#things have been quite ! Eventful for me !
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("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)
#svsss#bingqiu#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#lbh#sqq#i've been working through the series of unfortunate events and somehow that series has paired really nicely with svsss#the themes of cycling violence and what's justified and what isn't and what can possibly be done differently#and how trying to bring love and honour into the midst of it really changes nothing but also changes everything#it's just *chef's kiss*#i don't know how i can quite do my thoughts justice but i've spent the past few weeks quietly going between the two series (and mdzs and tg#as well if we're being honest they all hit similar questions and themes) and just reveling in the pain and ambiguity of it#everything is interconnected and it means you can never know what trauma and pain and necessity has shaped a person#each story goes too far back to ever ever EVER possibly see the full extent of it#at that level even communication itself is nearly impossible.#and because of that it's almost impossible to change anything. beat yourself apart and the outcome is the same#and yet ATTEMPTING to change things ATTEMPTING to do the kind thing the honourable thing is absolutely critical#because while you can change nothing you also have the capacity to change EVERYTHING#aaaaaaah i don't even know what i'm saying#but i read the beatrice letters today and the love letter just. killed me.#(obviously i cherrypicked some lines because it's three pages long but those ones felt right)#''i love you like a corpse loves a vulture's beak'' i just. can't get over that line.#to be completely changed. altered. destroyed. redeemed. purified. desecrated. reduced to nothing yet entirely necessary for another's life.#what a FUCKING line#anyway i was either going to blow up from thinking about it or else i had to exorcise it via art from an entirely different series#i've already done svsss and discworld why not throw a series of unfortunate events into the mix#i'll be honest folks i did not expect svsss to be the mxtx series that would fuck me up the most about the main ship#bingqiu is something else. i don't even know how to begin to approach my feelings on it. impossibility and necessity all at once#bizarre#my art
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not to sound absolutely deranged but i have been reading merthur fics (as usual, what i have been doing daily since march) while at work (yes) and the rush of serotonin is just unmatched, i'm giggling and blushing JUST because my blorbos are getting together for the 500th time in a different way
the merthur addiction is going splendidly everyone who knows me is quite done with me
#racontage de vie#see it's not my first rodeo (not my first hyperfixation) but in the light of recent events i'm really like#wow this pairing is making me feel more things and more deeply than many many things in real life#see idk what that means and i should probably go see a therapist but i was just thinking wow wild stuff#genuinely cheeks flushed and giddy and happy bc i read my nth fic of the day#i've been going quite insane about merlin that i can tell you#i'm bonkers about them and the way i dont have anyone near me who knows or cares about them 😭#merlin#merthur#and dont ask me about my rewatch i have seen exactly 3 eps 10 days ago and havent moved on after that
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Speed runners messed up everything im sorry its true or else we wouldnt have unnecessary discourse today
#Theres nothing inherently wrong with speedrunning a game i think we all have a game we like to just play without#story stuff involved thats fine. Im just talking abt the ones who love to be annoying#No this is not abt G*W guys dw lol im just saying in general bcuz i saw smth that annoyed me#Youre ‘speedrunning’ a game thats not designed for that and realistically most games arent. It shouldve never been turned competitive#Especially not a professional ones cuz now you have ppl purposefully playing a story game and saying#“i beat this in 3 hours and its annoying scripted events made it drag out” GEE I WONDER FUCKING WHY???#Again#yes certain things can get in the way with gameplay and can be quite annoying to the average player#But to constantly speedrun a game thats not meant for that and always complain abt it#Ur literally supposed to vibe omfg#Other#rant#kind of
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more atsv things that haunt me: pav doesn't originally have a watch.
#see one thing that confused me was that gwen stole bens watch before she sent him home like she already had hobies why does she need another#well. turns out it was probably because several members of the spiderband dont have their own either#(off the top of my head --- noir and ham werent at HQ so they dont seem to have been part of the spiderman society#pav as seen above didnt have one despite being in the society and hobie took his off when he quit)#so gwen probably had to track down quite a few extras actually unless hobie had a backlog of counterfeit multiverse watches on his hands#across the spiderverse#across the spiderverse spoilers#pavitr prabhakar#ok but the REAL thing i was thinking about with this post is that pav doesnt seem to know about canon events either#and despite jessica implying they had a way to contact him he also does not come back to HQ with the rest of the kids after the Spot Debacl#he doesnt seem to be able to multiverse-travel at all until gwen recruits him into the spiderband#so the implication here is that miguel doesnt generally let people become full members of spider society with all the associated privileges#unless hes sure that they'll be vulnerable and/or traumatize enough to buy into the ideology. which is kind of fucked up!
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#I know this is gonna come across as a bit pathetic#but I was already feeling a bit untethered today#wondering if I actually have a purpose here#ever since I came back to tumblr after my 4 month break I've felt very alone here#it feels a bit like everyone moved on without me#and I dunno i guess I hoped I'd be able to dive right back in again and just start engaging and enjoying it#but honestly I have been plagued with anxiety and intrusive thoughts about not being wanted#and the last thing I needed was some asshole anon#I'm already wondering if people are finding my event annoying#like maybe i should just shut up and quit#but I really fucking like doing this stuff I just wish I didn't feel so isolated#I'm being stupid i know#you should never trust how you feel about yourself after 9pm#but bleurgh its a horrible feeling#shut up saz
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Do you guys think Holt and Storch Sieben ever hatefucked
#I think they have a complicated relationship I’ve been pondering it#bc Holt very much does hate her before the events of the Koliblunt force trauma incident#her initial dislike of Sieben comes from a bad first impression when Sieben was fresh meat on sierpinski (Holt is olddd)#she was petty about it but willing to deal with it to a certain point#but as her higher up sieben pushed her buttons one too many times early on#which is bad you WANT the senior medical EULR on your side in case of emergency!!!#i do think they’ve spent a lot of time together for work related reasons#they become not quite friends not quite enemies?? but a secret weird cold thing full of regret maybe#this partially has to do with how I characterize present day sieben bc yeah she’s a Storch and they are prone to temper tantrums especially#if not trained correctly#but Sieben’s basically one of the highest ranking units at sierpinski if I remember correctly#and you don’t get there without some degree of level headedness + when talking to her she’s not necessarily warm and fuzzy#but she also didn’t seem like a young volatile Storch to me#at least not anymore#I think about sieben a lot but anyways#roundabout way of saying that when Holt did fall ill with the infection it wasn’t ignored by sieben#Holt was visited by her once alone when her vision started fading and they had a moment.#a reconciliation? an attempt on sieben’s part to make things right before the inevitable?? or just wanting to check on her? who knows#I certainly don’t#holt#thanks for listening to the ramble I’m attempting to blorbo post more#and this has been rotating in my head for weeks#figured I’d get it out#blorbo tag
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casey also talks about sepang 2015 what do you think of that
oh in that podcast? uh... lemme listen again...
yeah idk it's not really anything new I'd say? he's said basically all the same stuff in more interesting and extensive ways elsewhere. I think casey inevitably has a very 'well feuding is bad and helps nobody' point of view, has expressed that before in the past, does it here again, and he's also drawn a parallel between himself and marc on several occasions. which... well, of course there's similarities in terms of public discourse or whatever, but the parallel really falls apart whenever casey argues the feuds cost valentino. like, I do think it's sometimes important to just. keep in mind. it's interesting that casey draws this comparison in his mind but that doesn't necessarily means he's right about this. I'm not sure how you'd argue that starting a feud with casey cost valentino anything competitively? you can argue it didn't help him I guess, and then we can have a debate about the ins and outs of the 2008 season. we can also have an argument that in a hypothetical world where casey isn't ill in 2009, valentino doesn't break his leg and casey isn't on a piece of junk in 2010, and valentino isn't on a piece of junk in 2011-12, then actually maybe valentino sparking open animosity with casey COULD have cost him. but we don't know that! didn't happen! I wish we could have found out, but we never got the chance! as it stands, the tally on this is pretty straightforward: casey won the title when things were reasonably civil between them in 2007, and valentino took control of the following season at the exact moment he worsened the relationship between the pair of them in 2008. obviously, it's all more complicated than that and casey would of course argue laguna didn't negatively affect his subsequent performances... but it certainly didn't help them. like, at the very worst valentino escalating tensions in 2008 is a complete net neutral. after 2009, them being bitchy to each other every other tuesday was completely competitively irrelevant beyond maybe affecting how they approached occasionally fighting for a podium position. hey, maybe casey used that feud to fire himself up through sheer spite throughout the later stages of his career, but that doesn't actually support his anti-feud stance - it's basically the exact same thing as what valentino does. they're both quite similar in that regard! always so hungry to prove a point, to show how someone else is wrong. kinda half the point with this feuding business is to get yourself going, get yourself motivated, yeah. he straight up openly admits to using yamaha's repeat rejection of him as a way of giving himself motivation, and at the end of the day that's really not all that different?
anyway, what else does casey say... oh yeah, that him and the other aliens were already kinda prepared for this and had learned vale's tricks. that valentino had only been able to get into the minds of the previous generation. welllllll *wiggles hand* sure, I mean, he did clearly have to change his approach... he couldn't just use the exact same playbook to get to them, either on-track or off-track. but that's why he did change up the playbook... again, whether you want to believe valentino won his final two titles 'in the head' rather than just through pure pace kinda depends on how you assess the evidence, but it is at the very least a debate. and, y'know, it's always worth remembering that valentino's most important mind games with casey didn't happen in a press conference... it was on the track. and the on-track stuff really is just embedded in how valentino approaches winning. speaking of aliens, this is what dani and jorge have said:
like, valentino's entire approach to his riding, even to the way he's setting his bike up, is deliberately about directly fucking with you... he's not actually always trying to be faster than you as much as he's trying to give himself the tools to make your life miserable, to pressure you into mistakes, etc etc... and again, especially with casey (if anything because he was so mentally sturdy), the off-track stuff was really just window dressing. (I know they bicker a lot after 2009 but it's just so fundamentally irrelevant to actual on-track competition.) so you can be aware of those tricks, but it also doesn't necessarily help you when someone's being nasty to you on-track in a way you just fully do not enjoy. which is what it was like for casey! for casey, a lot of this comes back to the truly unpleasant context of how he was perceived by the public, how he was treated as mentally weak or 'broken' or whatever partly because he had the misfortune of coming up against a bloke who had the reputation for breaking rivals. I think it's quite natural to end up with a bit of a hardliner 'actually I've never been mentally affected by a result in my life' stance - and of course casey is a lot tougher than a lot of people give him credit for. that being said. sometimes your rivals affect you, shit happens, it's part of the game. it's fundamentally a nice idea to think that valentino's tactics weren't just morally wrong but also ineffective, which is kind of the appeal of this narrative, right? you want to believe you're above that, you want to believe you were adequately prepared and wise to valentino's tactic. it's unsurprising and understandable that casey does tend to tell the story that way, but again it's *wiggles hand* also hard to describe it as completely factual
uh. what else. oh I'm thrilled casey does canonically know valentino and marc were friends, he has said he wasn't following motogp too much during that time period so you couldn't be sure of that. does this mean anything? does it tell you anything? well, no, but it's just a pleasing thought to me. I like that. oh also 'provoking particularly aggressive riders isn't a good idea' is kinda a funny take from casey? like, he of all people would hate the idea of being cowed by someone's reputation like that... casey's right that provoking fast riders can potentially be dangerous, but y'know I do think that's probably not news to anyone almost nine years later. um. that's all I've got I think
#i will say idm getting asks like this AT ALL but i do hope that's not like. the only bit of the podcast people are paying attention to#my thing with sepang 2015 takes is that like... when's the last time anyone has said anything genuinely interesting about that event#which yes big words from the feud blogger... but in fairness a lot of the sepang 2015 stuff is from old notes. that's my excuse idc#but that's kinda the thing... i feel like i haven't really had a new original thought about the whole drama for three plus years#u do kinda run out. basically the takes say more about the person saying them than about the actual event at this point#which. yeah. casey's comments on sepang '15 are primarily interesting in what they tell you about how he feels towards valentino#mind u he's actually quite nice about valentino in this one? casey call him let's finally organise that dinner#heretic tag#//#brr brr#batsplat responds#oh casey does go on another spiel against riders who win at all costs. ships that passed in the night of feuds i always say#also he gets the age he enters the premier class at wrong. i held myself back in the last post from pointing this out for tonal reasons#but if people want my podcast hot takes. i do simply have to mention it. just to set the record straight here#'they battle for podium places after 2009' genuinely. twice. like the alien era giveth but a lot of the time it really does just taketh#somewhat ironically casey wins the duel when he's on the shitty ducati and vale wins the duel when he's on the even shittier ducati#whatever that tells you idk#casey was always promising the laguna rematch would've gone differently and I love that conceptually but also we just don't know#he was like next time I WON'T play nice and it's like?? omg what does that look like. casey what were you cooking#for ethical reasons it's probably fine but for character arc reasons it's objectively ass that casey ended up being able to do all his -#- racing in a way he was entirely comfortable with for his second title in 2011. like it's just a complete waste of a year#you have this whole thing building for four years and then 2010 comes along and it's like. well that's enough narrative intrigue now! <3#also casey/jorge are fundamentally too interesting as individuals to have had such an obscenely boring on-track rivalry and yet here we are#it KILLS me because if you rearranged it and made valentino's dogshit ducati years like. 2009 or something#and do a straight title fight between jorge and casey THEN I genuinely think it would've been way more interesting#the problem with valentino is that he is fundamentally the WORST imaginable character you could invent to be casey's foil#literally everything about valentino could have been designed to be a casey-specific nightmare#but unfortunately that also makes him objectively the most interesting rival casey could have gotten#like morally it's on the edge. but narratively? literally could not have gotten a better villain in casey's story#constantly dancing on this faustian line of having to imitate valentino to beat him while trying not to lose yourself... juicy
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reading gideon the ninth:
reading harrow the ninth:
#htn#tlt#everything has gone from like. 50 to 1000#like sure there were things going on before and I had to pay attention#but now I have to pay ATTENTION#like okay. okay harrow is 'remembering' that there was a sleeper or whatever#and there was a 2 hander with it. under it. okay. okay so what does that mean#and this 'body'#which for some reason she's continuously hallucinating?#and the whole thing with the letters and ianthe#i'm trying to parse through everything but I don't know how much I can figure out and how much is explained#by context and events I simply haven't been told about yet#so it would be fruitless to surmise because I quite literally can't know yet. missing pieces#based on current knowledge my assumption is that for some reason harrow has retroactively altered her memories#for an unknown purpose#because ianthe's 'who? oh the cavalier' at the beginning leads me to believe she recalls gideon just fine. and that gideon was in fact real#though there's something going on with her#well yeah no shit she's disappeared straight up#not like disappeared like gone missing but she's straight up been erased from the story like she doesn't exist#except for these tiny mentions#of a two hander#which also brings to question the importance of a reader in a story#but that's a whole other can of worms#the point is I have to pay so much more attention now#i love it I love being confused (genuinely)#the first book was fine but it wasn't like this#anyway. harrows the fucked up scrunkle cat of the group and I'm endlessly amused by it
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fob @ fanfest recap, post-my living vicariously through people's live updates since i cannot get over my last minute resentful decision of not being able to pull off the (admittedly 650+ total mile) drive 2 philly today and perhaps feeling devastated over having missed
- patrick: "so! i'm patrick and i know nothing about sports" and also just MASSIVELY feeling the show based on all the videos i've seen!?
- pete making a warped comparison (!?! could it get more wavernot4love coded than this)
- joe chant that he successfully heard :]
- i don't care debut of late (finally!!)
- pete being self aware about the tennis new york incident (calling fobbies "monsters" in a vaguely affectionate way... HELP)
- honestly such an expansive setlist for an event like this?? FIFTEEN SONGS!? sixteen candles? fake out? grand theft autumn? headfirst slide? HELLO
- pete doing his saturday thing??? i honestly didn't think that was a thing they did @ these sports event kinda things w shorter sets
- you could really tell they Knew they had hardcore fans there
and man i wish i could have made it but here's to hoping leg 2 comes next year because i will 100% be traveling for multiple shows again <333
#this is quite possibly the biggest “i should have been there” moment wavernot4love has ever had#because i was ALMOST there#to be fair my decision to not do it was based on the fact that my car is not very new#and i have already gone on so many trips this year (most recently JUST driving 2 philly for tourdust camden)#+ still have a couple more coming uo this fall#but regardless i feel like i missed out and i miss them Bad#if only it had been a couple hours closer 2 me or i had been able to find affordable doable public transit#have unfortunately been having a perpetual it's joever moment all day in my room rotting with the shades shut#but it will all be alright in a couple weeks when i see thursday and i'm finally back into the swing of things w my handful of shows#i've got planned for september#also all of them are in my general area except one in toronto and even that is only a three hour drive so that's optimistic#fobposting#fall out boy#fob#patrick stump#pete wentz#joe trohman#i feel like i should be tagging andy but also i didn't see/hear about any particular events specific 2 him
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Chasm: Curse of Kaine (Vol. 1/2024), #3.
Writer: Steve Foxe; Penciler and Inker: Andrea Broccardo; Colorist: Brian Reber; Letterer: Joe Caramagna
#Marvel#Marvel comics#Marvel 616#Chasm: Curse of Kaine#latest release#Scarlet Spider#Kaine#Kaine Parker#Chasm#Ben Reilly#Hallows’ Eve#Janine Godbe#wow…I think this just about perfectly encapsulates why I’ve felt like this miniseries has been ever so slightly off#I mean beggars can’t be too choosey and don’t get me wrong I’m primarily glad somebody remembered Kaine even existed#it also warms my heart to see Kaine growing into a heroic role#(and maybe I’m just being nit-picky over dialogue but hey this is a medium with limited dialogue space so writers have to be specific#in how they want to convey things)#but this contrast is just so wild#at a stretch I can see Kaine stopping to help civilians#he’s grown quite a bit since he started out in Houston…but seeing him so blatantly gung ho about it is a little jarring hahaha#as for Ben…oh Ben…I know they’ve been trying to establish Ben as vaguely despicable ever since this series opened#with him shaking tourists down for loose change but they can never make me believe that’s the real Ben !!!!#so Ben’s decision here is even more jarring hahaha#remember how Ben Reilly: Scarlet Spider ended with Ben despondent and essentially soulless#only for him to be promptly put «back to factory settings» very soon after in a Spider-verse event? I don’t care if it’s lazy#I hope they do something like that again and we have a heroic Ben back hahaha
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Tonight, right now, not even ten minutes ago, might have been the closest I got to an outright hatecrime
#morningtalks#Ask to tag#<- I have no clue what I'd have to tag this tbh#But for the story.#Me and my friend (crush) are walking at two am after quite the night. I am fully sober but she's got a few drinks and is just tired now#Like we're walking in silence she's just done type of tired#(part of me worries I was too in love with her tonight but I will do my best to rationalize it as Her Being Tired and not my fault somehow)#But yeah we're walking there and we see/hear a bunch of guys that are clearly not on their first drink#They plan to go to the bar we were so I'm glad we left but they are full on far right singing slogans about getting the leftists out#We cross each other on the street and they immediately begin asking us if we're lefties but then they see my pins#And the fact that we're two girls walking alone and assume we're both lesbians#Ify I obviously am. I have Pins lmao but my crush is not (?)#But yeah I had heard their slogans from afar and had already grabbed my scissors discretely in case something happened#I was genuinely just getting myself ready to fight them all just to leave my friend a chance to run if possible#But I was genuinely scared for her (and also for me but I have a bad habit of prioritizing others' wellbeing and especially here)#So they think we're lesbians and immediately start yelling they don't like lesbians and some other hurtful stuff#But it didn't fully enter my brain. I genuinely don't care#But I was still very afraid they DO something#Luckily they just walked away and we were left in peace but I was genuinely ready to do literally anything to not let my friend get hurt#By these men#I might see her a bit tomorrow. Probably not a lot but we'll see each other#And she doesn't seem to mind too much (she thought we'd see each other next week for class obviously and said “til next week”#(translated quite literally))#I thanked her for the evening still but I genuinely think she just needs to sleep and I don't have to overthink everything that happened#In the end#The first hours of the night were AMAZING though. Genuinely never been closer to her than there I adored every second of it#(and the other people were fun too but. She. Yano)#Anyways I have a thing at 11 I'll go sleep before being fully dead for that thing#But I might genuinely have a delayed reaction on those last events tomorrow#But now I gotta sleep too
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𝐂𝐂𝐕. For quite some time since the release of the first Natlan patch, I've been wondering about the premise that the script we know as "abyssal" wasn't one that was made-up during the establishment of Khaenri'ah (as it's written all-over where there is Abyss Order activity), but one that the civilization that inhabited the newly-founded kingdom had acquired from somewhere (certainly not from the unified civilization, as that is Greek-inspired and the abyssal script is Latin-based instead) due to the fact that Ancient Names are also written in that same script.
As it turns out, not only it stands true that said script was acquired from elsewhere and adapted as their own main script for themselves, but there is a significant potential that this script stems from the Shades themselves— who knows if from Phanes, too. The reason I say this is because the rules that were established in Natlan were engraved through the combined agreement between Xbalanque and, surprise surprise, Ronova, also known as the Shade of Death. This fact opens the venue about one more point of knowledge that is within Khaenri'ah, perhaps among those who have lived the longest or are the most well-versed in the workings of the world (possibly the legends of Khaenri'ah, amidst who Dain is included). Nevertheless, this is another point of thought of the knowledge they hold and the implications behind being in possession of such wisdom.
#◟༺✧༻◞ events to be remembered in blue veins ┊addendum.┊#there is more I want to say#about the shade of death#but I'll save that for its own post#alongside A.smoday#but this was quite interesting to realize#and it brings me wayyyy back to the domain#that we explore with K.aeya#during the beginning of the M.ondstadt chapter#and one of the abyss mages speaking in what we know as E.nochian#otherwise known as the language of the angels#now that the s.eelies have been officially confirmed to be angels#or more like explicitly stated#as there was already proof of that from a long time ago#that is one more thing to consider tbh
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Which one of my illnesses gives the symptom where "If I'm not 2 hours early to [the event], then I better not go"?
#Somebody pls#slchskhckd#its must be some amalgamation of anxiety and adhd. the eternal feedback loop#me & my therapist & my psych are forever fighting...#and ofc my reaction to ''Panic“” is Sleep. messed up#did u know that sleeping actually gives u less time to get to the thing u want to go to...#and when u wake up [the event] will be closer?#wtf wtf... why has nobody told me this? <- guy who is fated to learn this lesson every day forever#dont worry guys. today im actually dojng STELLAR. yeah im only leaving an hour early (which is an hour later than id like to)#but im GOING#i shant quit. i shant be stopped. NOT TODAY!!!!#WAHOO WAHOO WAHOO#:this_guy: iykwim...#personal#.txt#maria is literally just rambling. hi#adhd#anxiety#listen. god bless lexapro for taking away nearly all of my Physical anxiety tho#i will be grateful for that every day forever as i have been for the last almost 4 years#ANYWAY#MWAH YALL. HAVE A WONDERFUL FRIDAY!!!!!#add
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had the most draining morning of my entire education so far (don’t worry though it will get worse) and now you’re telling me I have to pull myself together and STUDY???? bullshit
#doing a group project#and it’s actually good. like. everyone in the group is so engaged and it’s an interesting subject#HOWEVER. the subject is also HEAVY. and touches upon feelings of mine i haven’t really addressed and processed properly#not even the being a lesbian feelings!!!! entirely DIFFERENT feelings!!!!!#However the being a lesbian feelings probably played into it because opening the floodgates for That also probably opened the floodgates for#All My Other feelings#which is like. ok good i guess!! I’m feeling things!! go me!!!#BUT WHYYYYY DOES IT HAVE TO BE. UNPLEASANT#the world feels realer than it has in prrrobably years though I will say#when I realised reality was a little off and not quite there for me uh. two years ago. i was like shit this has been going on for a full#year already.#PROBABLY ALSO SOMETHING TO BRING UP WITH MY PSYCHOLOGIST BECAUSE THAT ACTUALLY COINCIDES WIRH#DISTRESSING EVENTS IN MY PERSONAL LIFE#WHICH PROBABLY MAYBE NEED TO BE ADDRESSED ACTUALLY#z talks#not horse game
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(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)
Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...
Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!
(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)
I know what you are.
Farewell, now!
(She then leaves the way she came from.)
(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)
And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...
(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)
You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?
I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.
(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)
Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way
(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)
Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.
WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.
Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever
#bright spark#<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky#the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE#SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh.#that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things.#today was an event.#i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you#to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this#is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay#nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are#honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang#spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main#cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her#own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally#i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to.#i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel#like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything#with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have--#living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite#finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives#happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander.#that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared#to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that#respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a#method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family.#the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy#excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around.#spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much.#spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going#sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay
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always fun to remind myself of the side effects of my thyroid meds
#the first time i treated my thyroid my endo was like ‘i havent had a patient who had this happen for a while so im due for one’ THANKS MAN#personal#im just waiting for it to hurry up and work. my health has PLUMMETED in the last week or so#im so sick and i can’t DO ANYTHING. including SLEEP. even if i was getting enough good sleep i was be exhausted but i’m not so.#the energy’s doing Great#and i’m so hungry all the time but also nauseous so all food is unappealing#genuinely have no idea how i made it through years 7-10 undiagnosed. no wonder i ended up with such a severe phobia of going to bed????????#i don’t have to worry about routine right now so it’s not as stressful (just horrible because i’m so tired) but i COULDNT SLEEP back then#im just relieved that this time it was found through a routine check rather than me getting a test because of symptoms#usually i test when my anxiety gets really bad in a specific way#but my anxiety isn’t bad this time. no panic attacks and also no migraines. those are all usually the worst to deal with#so comparatively this isn’t even a particularly bad episode?/relapse?/flare?#still more sick than i’ve been in……..years?#im not sure if covid was better or worse. but it was only really bad for a week#this’ll be worse overall because it’ll last a lot longer#hopefully only a month or two but that’s still a few months of my life that just vanish. cool!!!!!!!!!!!#and there wasn’t even a notable event to trigger it this time. first time was whooping cough and subsequent times have been things like—#starting uni and then the last 2 years of uni where i took 10 units in one year then overworked myself doing my thesis#im SLIGHTLY worried that maybe i’ve developed rheumatoid arthritis and that set it off because it’s also autoimmune#i should see my gp soon to get a general antibody test. my joint have been so bad it’s been hard to walk for quite a few months#idk man it all sucks. but for now at least i have my white blood cells (even if they’re literally the problem lmao)
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