#things have arguably been on the side of good since ive been back

[absinthemindedly]

Just kinda the vibe lately ~

[chrissturniolosbitch]

NEEDY

a/n- this is very bad, and random (i also made this at 12am on a school night!)

warnings- oral, creampie, use of y/n, caught, and language

summary- y/n gets caught staring at matts hands, so he does something about it.

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"bro y/n are you listening?"

chris says suddenly snapping me out of my trance, i was to busy studying matts hand to be listening, "um yea." i lied. Ive been looking at matts hands for the past 35 minutes

wondering what great things they would do to me.

"then re say one fucking word i said!" chris snapped at me leaving me speechless, "thats what i thought" chris said in a know it all way leaning back onto the couch getting comfortable.

ding

i got a snapchat notification from, 'matt?' i thought to myself.

i opened my phone looking up at matt not understanding why he couldnt just tell me whatever he was snapping me about.

'oh shit its a photo' i thought to myself furrowing my eyebrows almost automatically clicking the image

'holy shit' i was not expecting to see a picture of his dick.

"wdf is this matthew?"

"you think i dont see you staring at me? not just me but my hands?"

"idek what youre talking about matt."

"go to my room. naked. now."

read 1:43 am

as soon as i read the last sentence he sent me i got up and started walking to his room, "where are you going y/n?" matt asked knowing exactly where the fuck i was headed.

"um." i cleared my throat, "im h-headed to your room. I dont feel to good." I already could feel my cunt dripping in arousle, "im gonna head to bed too then" matt said standing up smirking at me, "oh okay." i said turning back around practically sprinting to his room, him following behind me.

as soon as we entered his room he grabbed me by the waist, "fuck matt" i said pulling my shirt off.

"damn ma you roaming free 'round here?" he said hooking his mouth to my left boob, since i didnt have a bra on.

matt moved us over from his door frame to his bed, throwing me down moving his mouth from my left boob to my right.

"shit baby, can i taste you." he said this statement more as a demand rather than a question, "anything you want matt" i said tugging at his waistband. All he did was nod, and with a tic of approval i pulled his pants and boxers down in one swift motion

his rock hard dick slapping his stomach, that shit was bout 8-9 inches.

"fuck matt." i said as he pulled down my shorts and laced panties down painfully slow, "i want you to taste me already" i said removing my legs from the last peice of clothing covering me

"say no more" he said giggling, going down on me im one swift motion.

as soon as his tongue hit my clit, immediate pleasure spred throughout my body. Waves of enjoyment sprung through my body

"shit im already so close matt please" i said gripping his hair bucking my hips into his mouth, "cum in my mouth baby" as soon as those 5 words left his mouth the knot in my stomach became undone

slowly matt stopped and kissed me, "isnt it your turn matt?" i said cupping the side of his face staring into his peircing blue eyes, "shit. If im being honest... i came already. twice."

"matt what the fu-" i was about to finish my sentence before i heard a ding from my phone

it was chris

"you both are nasty as fuck." chris stated arguably correct.

i rolled my eyes, and showed matt. We both looked at each other and started bursting out laughing

"i know!" is all i replied with before shutting my phone off and kissing matt

"thank you matt." i said looking at him, "any time." he said kissing me one last time.

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i hate this. I HATE THIS. i hate my life 💕

[kindestegg]

It bothers me seeing some people complain about TOH going a ‘boring’ route for the Collector ‘without moral grayness’ just because they hadn’t been imprisoned for killing anyone or destroying anything (as far as we technically know at least). The clues were already there in 2B that the Collector wasn’t malicious and probably didn’t even hunt Titans to begin with, plus it reminds me of that past fandom trend of ignoring the psychological impact of Belos’ abuse on the Collector, and reducing him to funny murders iPad kid.

Also, it feels like said people are ignoring the fact that, a more sympathetic side to the Collector being necessary here, they still very much did turn people into puppets. Like that was a thing that still happened in this episode. Besides, there arguably is a ‘moral grayness’ to this well-intentioned kid who still ended up betrayed, used, and punished, even by King to an extent, finally snapping in retaliation and betrayal. Idk it just feels like they’re complaining the story didn’t go in one direction for his character VS another, when both routes are equally compelling.

(holds hands with you and we skip over a field of flowers into the sunset together)

but really, you worded this pretty well and in a way i have also been thinking for quite some time!! really, its something ive considered making something about in the future because it fascinates me endlessly: there is just something so strange to me about the fact that to some people recognizing collector is a kid or that he has a complex backstory and is more layered than "sadistic selfish shadowy entity" means "ruining his character"

on the one hand i get it, sometimes people just want a mean old crazy villain who has no qualms in doing whatever just for the hell of it because they want to have fun, and i get it!! i really like villains like that- hell, part of the reason i even got interested on collector when i first saw them in hollow mind was because i love characters like that so much!! the bill cyphers, the discords, the quackerjacks, the dimentios, the jevils, the ecolos, i love all characters like that!!

but like... come edge of the world, hearing luz go "that collector kid" and going "OH SHIT THIS IS A CHILD" was game changing for me because?? you really dont see characters like that often that are also kids?? and idk about you but that was exciting to me! because it explores such an interesting path of like, how do you begin to approach an antagonist that IS so sadistic and self serving but also is STILL growing and still young and has still potential to be good?

old time followers of this blog will KNOW i have already talked all about that though... so what else can i say?

i will say i absolutely agree with you there on the cues being there. while i dont think its fair to say that it was easier before to infer he really didnt do ANYTHING, there were at least a lot of indications carefully laid out to make us empathize with them and understand their situation. like, isnt it interesting that at the start of o'titan, they couldve shown collector saying anything at all, since he thought he was all alone monologuing to himself, and they chose to have him talk about how lonely he was and then plead for king to stay with him? and then, as if to follow up on that, clouds has him doubting whether belos is his friend or not sounding genuinely concerned! we know from these clues that collector is a kid, that he is lonely, that being inside the prison has messed with his mental health, and that belos is unsurprisingly a terrible friend that is making him worry if he will uphold his end of the bargain.

all of these puzzle pieces were put there deliberately, including kings connection to collector, to first let us see a different side of this character and understand him better, and then second to also let king do this and prepare him to be more likely to want to consider collector as someone he could approach, even back in kings tide! because having that previous mental connection allowed him to wonder if collector could be reasoned with, and it worked! he stopped the spell for him! and like, once again, the writers utilize what time they have to quickly establish that the collector would rather play with king and holds no anger towards him or desire to hurt him! this is again, important as an indication that collector is not like we thought!

the whole "murderous ipad kid" started rubbing me the wrong way too, while i am brazilian so the "enzo gabriel" memes were endearing to me in a way, it became really frustrating seeing as how EXTREMELY few people back then seemed interested in exploring the tragedy of a character so young mentally having been stuck in an eternal unchanging prison and how that fucked them up, and how it being BELOS who he was stuck with was even worse! or even, hell, explore the fact he seems to not have wanted to hurt king and how their connection makes them perfect foils to each other and how they could be friends in a better world! but most people just saw him as a one dimensional murderous child (if even a child at all) and either ignored him completely or if not, had him do incredibly uncharacteristically violent and extreme things. and like, yeah, sure, this IS the kid who helped with the draining spell and was excited for people dying, but also like. come on buddy, if thats all there was to him, they wouldnt have tried to establish this other side of him during s2b.

and you are so correct on the puppet thing like!! that is STILL fucked up! even if he isnt physically torturing or hurting people, that is still not a good thing to do and it is terrifying to imagine losing control of your body and even consciousness for god knows how long! and collector doesnt care! he thinks that just because he is playing pretend and that this is how the game is played, that it doesnt matter that he is doing this. that is messed up! and it reminds us that this is still the kid who laughed about people dying, laughed about the grimwalker deaths. him being a sad and lonely kid with a compelling backstory doesnt change that. it just adds to more layers to his character.

i think you are on the nose when you say that it is just because people are disappointed they wanted a type of character and got another. though it is puzzling to me seeing them be unable to admit that they were wrong and that they did miss the cues early on and move on, instead complaining that it "came out of nowhere". i will say i think the BEST argument for them is that his character feels rushed and that it is confusing to add him into the series when he is so similar to so many other characters (caleb, hunter, luz, king, etc), because then yeah, i agree, it is a really odd late minute addition, specially considering he only exists because of the shortening, not in spite of it. and to that i can only say: i think collector wasnt a character added with logic in mind, but rather with pure pathos. dana and the crew wanted a fun out of left field super silly character that was entirely self indulgent and so they added him just for themselves, and as result, he is neither fully well fleshed out nor is he the most unique in terms of metanarrative role.

then again one COULD argue his role is more one of giving king a foil and someone he can further his own arc through, as well as giving better exposition to the history of the titans, but... yknow. ive already talked enough.

[too-sxft-for-all-of-it]

the only person i have to talk about this to is my girlfriend, and i just need to get this written out and feel like im talking to people. please not that this is a vent and you are by all means not obligated to read it!!! this is a very triggering matter so read with caution!!!

trigger warnings: massive vent including sui-ideation, attempts, mental breakdown, pessimistic views, self deprecation, lots of cussing, mentions of my chronic illnesses, overall this is not good

i dont even know where to begin with this. ive had a lot of bad days in my life, but today i can say with full confidence was the absolute worst day of my life. i spent an entire day convinced i was dying being sick and this still tops it as the worst.

as ive said before, ive working hard on finishing high school. i did two years in person before i got POTS from long covid in 2022 and was forced to do online due to the school not cooperating. it sucked, im still not over it, but im working. ive gone through so much since then, lots of sickness and mental crisis where i struggled doing my schoolwork. i fell behind and i know i did, i will never forgive myself for that

i was originally supposed to graduate in may. then july. then october 20th. then october 27th. thats this sunday.

after working my ass off through the shit i went through this summer, the extreme trauma i got from losing all of my friends, i had done it. on the 14th, i got 100 on my last final and submitted my application for graduation. i finished my online courses with a 4.0 gpa. my girlfriend and family were all so proud of me. i was too.

then soon after i learned that my failed past would come back to haunt me. while i had long covid in 2022, my chemistry teacher refused to help me. she said, and i quote, "im not going to be your private tutor" (side note: i caught her privately tutoring one of her ap kids in the library while waiting for band practice, but thats beside the point)

because of her, i failed, and had to do credit recovery. i did it but my grade could only go up to a 70. once i learned that my new school combines my old grades on my final transcript and that would determine my gpa, i knew i was fucked. i cried and wanted to give up but i just knew i was graduating and it would be fine. turns out i didnt worry about the right thing

cut to this morning. we were supposed to leave tomorrow, i had been ready to start packing. i was coming upstairs to eat my breakfast when i checked my phone. i saw my account had been reinstated and my application for graduation was gone. now, i assumed my credits would be counted as my new school counted them. but apparently they didnt and they caught me where i missed in feburary of 2023 when i joined.

today, around 12:30, when i was about to eat and get ready to pack i let out the most heartwrenching scream. i sobbed and ran downstairs and told my parents. my dad started to look into it while i ran back upstairs and fell apart

apparently, the credits that shouldve been counted as a full were only counted as half. so now im missing 0.5 credits in two subjects, which is one overall- however those are both separate requirements, so if i cant get this fixed im going to have to do two entire full classes in order to finish on time to go to college in jan

maybe if this would've happened a few days ago it wouldve been better. but it was less than 12 hours before i would be asleep early to go on the trip in the morning. they waited until the last minute to tell me that "oh by the way you cant come this weekend lmao"

i fell apart. my dad looked into it while i sobbed and screamed and broke down. i was talking to my girlfriend texting her telling her i wanted to die and this was the final straw. i get suicidal episodes a lot, but this was the worst.

a lot of it blends together and i dont want to go through the texts to relive it. but it was hell. i was falling apart for hours while waiting for an answer. my dad called the school and we had to wait hours for a call back about what the fuck had happened

the credits, no matter how absolutely fucked up it is, was explained. but the worst part? my dad asked if i could at least walk this weekend. pretend to graduate so i can have my ceremony. you know what they said?

they said no. and that was it for me.

ive had EVERYTHING taken from me in my life. i lost my high school experience because of my body, ive lost every friend ive had and so fucking much, and now i lost this too. i dont get to graduate high school. the one singular fucking thing i had the chance to have is gone.

i broke down in the bathroom. i attempted to kill myself. i was googling and trying to find ways to make it not hurt while talking to my girlfriend. i found a belt and. almost did it but i was scared. and i hate myself for being scared because i truly believe(d) i deserve to die

i am worthless and stupid for thinking i could have one thing in my life. im an idiot for thinking this coudlve worked out and i couldve been happy. i have never felt such utter despair and humiliation as i felt today. i wanted to break my cap i worked so hard on, burn my gown and cords, destroy everything because nothing i do is ever good enough

i work my ass off and no one fucking cares. its never enough. all of the pain ive suffered and fought through was for nothing. i worked my fucking ass off to finish on time and for what? nothing. absolutely nothing. my girlfriend was so proud and now i know shes ashamed. so are my parents and everyone around me

this is going to be the hardest weekend of my life, and i can make no promises i will survive it. im trying to push through for my love, but its hard, its so fucking hard. we called after i was safely back in bed and talked for over and hour and a half. we cried and talked and just were together. it was hard. i dont know whats going to happen but im scared

this was last minute and everyone is upset. my little sister was so excited to go, and i heard her sobbing when she got home from school. my dad seems exhausted. my grandparents probably cant get the money back from their flight. we were supposed to be leaving tomorrow and now its all just gone. we were going to go to the zoo and now thats gone too. we had gotten everything for the trip and now its just. gone

im trying to gather my credits and figure it out. all i know is i will not be graduating class of 2024, if at all. i skipped sixth grade and now it doesnt even show. the next ceremony isnt until next may, so even if i did finish this year i wouldnt be where i should be. it truly is over

ive never felt more ashamed and humiliated than i do today. i dont think ill ever recover from this.

they say it gets better but when? how? when will it finally end and i will finally have something go my way for once. its all i want. all i want is a chance to be happy but i never have it.

please ive been on my knees change the prophecy

let it once be me who do i have to speak to about if they can redo the prophecy

but i looked to the sky and said please

[delfiore]

golden affairs [pt. ii]

pairing: wanda maximoff x reader (15th century nobles!au)

synopsis: a clash with a foe reveals more about you than wanda had anticipated.

word count: 3.2k

part i, << >> part iii, part iv, part v

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The handmaiden bowed and exited the chamber. You waited until she had arrived at the other side of the door and closed it before taking a deep breath.

“Well, then. I suppose this is where you’ll be staying.” You looked down, twirling the ring on your right index finger. “My bedchamber’s that way, in case you need anything, you probably won’t, but. . .it’s there. If you’d like, you can indulge yourself in the books in my office. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

You were generous enough to prepare another room for her to stay in, having asked her about it after you’ve consummated the marriage. She didn’t entirely enjoy it, but it wasn’t unbearable. You had been gentle enough to ask her if she wanted to continue, but both of you knew you would have to either way, or else the union would have been annulled.

She watched as you walked to the other side of her queen-sized bed, towards the door.

“Thank you, my Lady.” She said quietly, to which you gave a small nod before pulling the door open.

Wanda admitted she had been a bit too harsh towards you during the feast the day you came to Novi Grad. She was angry, that she was going to have to leave home for good, that Pietro gave her away without telling her first, that it was you; sweet Y/N Y/L/N that feigned sincerity and would reveal your true self once she’d poke you enough. She was so sure of it.

That was weeks ago. Yet, despite her declining your request to morning horse riding, or coming as far as not answering when you asked how her day had been during dinner one night, you had not shown her a single sign of ill-treatment. Each time, you would only sigh and let her be, or say, “Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

Living in someone’s home and treating them the way she has been treating you is unlike anything she was taught, and it didn’t feel right the moment she saw the frown on your face under her eyelashes as you continued to eat dinner. She decided to discard such manners and show you the respect you showed her, if—since she was going to be married to you for the rest of her life, as you said.

As soon as you were out of sight, she slumped and sat back against the bed. Everything was unfamiliar and she felt so alone, but she would learn to live with it.

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The sun hung above Chiaso when Wanda had been mindlessly exploring the mansion. It wasn’t as big as the Maximoff palace, but she was sure she could get lost in it. She walked past your chamber, the dining hall, three other private chambers, the main foyer which housed your family coat of arms sculpted into the wall.

“It was one of the first decorations to have graced the palace,” you had told her, “and arguably the first thing visitors use to compliment us on to get on our good graces.”

In the hallway, Wanda was approaching a man walking in the opposite direction. She recognized him as your companion when you came to Novi Grad; blonde streaks in his hair and the sharp definition of his jawline evoked a familiar face.

The man, upon realizing her by the way his eyebrows raised, shot her a polite smile. He stopped a few steps in front of her and bowed.

“Lady Wanda. I don’t believe we have been properly introduced. My name is Steven Rogers, advisor to the Lady Y/N, but you may call me Steve.”

“A pleasure, Master Steve.” She said. “Y/N is lucky to have you by her side. I imagine running the bank must be hard work and stressful if done alone.”

“You give me too much credit, my Lady. She consults me concerning certain decisions, but in the end, she does most of the work.” His voice was warm and kind.

She debated asking the next thing but decided on it. “Did Y/N consult you as well when she accepted my brother’s arrangement?”

Wanda bated her breath, watching the smile faltered from Steve’s face. “My Lady, you must know that Y/N did not take the decision lightly. There was a lot at stake, and she simply did what she was obligated to do.” His broad shoulders slumped, as the grip on his book tightened. “But I have known Y/N ever since I was a little boy, when Y/N’s father took me in from the streets and raised me as his own. What promises Y/N makes, she will keep them with her honor.”

Wanda nodded, as the smile returned to Steve’s face. “My Lady.” He bowed again and was on his way.

As she continued, she sunk into Steve’s words. Maybe he was right, then she’d be wrong about you. All her life she has been guarded by Pietro like a fragile glass doll that she had come to be wary of strangers. Anyone who isn’t us is an enemy, he had told her once, echoing the words of their late mother. Now that she was married to one, who proved to be not as hostile as she made them out to be, she started to think, maybe. . .maybe she could be content with you.

Her feet brought her in front a mid-sized room, a bit smaller than your bedroom. With rows of bookshelves that reached the ceiling and a neat desk in the middle, it must have been your office.

She remembered what you said about reading the books in here, and entered the room with excitement. If there was one thing in this world that she couldn’t live without, it was her books. She loved reading, experiencing life in different incarnations. It’s nice to not be Wanda Maximoff, Lady of Novi Grad, confined to the same rooms of the same palace all the time.

To her disappointment, the books on your shelf were things she had read before. To be fair, she had begged her father, then eventually her brother, to get her all the books that she had wanted to read, and they did. The Republic, Travels of Marco Polo, The Divine Comedy, she’s read them at least three times.

Before she almost turned towards the door, her eyes caught on a worn-down book, dark walnut in color with slight cracks and discolorations, in the corner of the shelf behind your desk. It wasn’t a book in that there were no titles on the spine. Upon holding it in her hand, she noticed a string tying the pages together. Her curiosity had already outrun her, as she undid it and opened to the first page. Her eyebrows creased.

Poems for C.R.C.

She kept flipping, and they were indeed poems, beautiful poems, ones about love and nature, and beauty. Then there were ones about passion, grief, and loss. All for one person, C.R.C.

“I see you’ve already helped yourself to my private collection.” A voice startled her. She turned around and saw you by the door, a quirk of the eyebrow saying you were not happy.

“S-Sorry, you said I could look through your books. You did not say which ones were off-limits.” Wanda stammered, setting the book on your desk.

You approached her slowly, eyes trained on the open journal as you do. It lay face-up, the string used to keep it sealed now draped across the mahogany desk, like linen scattered having been unclothed from a bare body.

“It seems my knot did its job quite poorly.” You smiled, but it didn’t quite reach your eyes.

Wanda bit her lip, a deep blush setting on her cheeks, watching you retie the knot around the journal and set it back to its original placing on the shelf. You didn’t say it, but she knew she had breached your privacy. She wanted to ask more, but shut out the thought at the tightening of muscle in your jaw. She preferred it when you were not upset with her.

“There is a party tonight,” you said, running your finger against the spine of the books, “at Anthony Stark’s mansion, and I am expected to show, with you.”

“Oh.” Wanda said.

“I. . .had a gown made for you,” you turned to look at her, “with the fabric that your brother sent as part of your dowry. You could wear it tonight. . .or anything that you deem appropriate for an evening party. Whatever you’re comfortable with—“

“I’ll wear it.” She said quickly, straightening her stance. “Thank you.”

You gazed at her, slightly stunned at her willingness. Alas, a smile spread across your lips as you nodded affirmatively. “It’ll be in your chamber before nightfall.”

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Three knocks at the door. Wanda allowed the handmaidens to fix the last bits of her gown before turning around, just as you entered. Your jaw slackened as you drank her in, navy blue velvet, made from the finest Sokovian silk Pietro could afford, hugging her curves with compliments. On her chest sat a golden brooch in the shape of a roaring lion — Maximoff family crest.

As you approached timidly, Wanda felt warmth in her face that wasn’t there before.

“You look beautiful.” You breathed out.

“Thank you. You don’t look too bad yourself.” Her eyes traveled down. You were wearing your family’s color, gold — for the money that made the Y/L/N name — and maroon — the blood of your ancestors who fought to defend it.

You gave her your arm. “Shall we?”

Steve had come to send you and Wanda off. She sat in the carriage, waiting for you to join her.

“You must not cause a commotion, my Lady.” Steve said in a teasing tone.

“Me? Never!” You chuckled before she felt your arm pressing against hers.

She let the sound of horseshoe clapping against stone outside the carriage distract her from the close proximity between you and her. She has not been this close to you since the wedding night.

“It is imperative that we keep a united front tonight.” You spoke. “I had been lucky to have many allies in this city, but there are people looking to gauge out my every flaw, and they will be at this gathering.”

“Don’t worry.” She turned to you. “They will not have anything of use to them.”

In the dimly lit streetlight, she could make out the faintest hint of a smile on your lips.

Lord Stark’s mansion had been grander than she has expected. It was as if she was looking at the creation of another Pietro. She found most striking his garden, as she stepped through the grand hall, where the party was already in motion. It was packed with marble statues and peculiar contraptions that she had not seen function before.

“Tony loves to build. . .things.” You said, motioning at the unknown machinery. “He studied with Leonardo da Vinci.”

“Hmm.” Wanda nodded. “Ally?”

“Certainly.”

“There she is! Our peacemaker!” A black-haired man with a neatly trimmed beard approached, a wide smile as he stretched his arms out.

“Tony.” You said before he had locked you in a tight embrace.

“Oh, it is so good to see you, sweets! And you must be the princess.” Tony Stark turned to Wanda.

“Tony, this is my wife, Wanda. Dear, this is Tony Stark, my oldest friend. Our parents were friends too.”

“My Lord.”

“Please, Tony is fine.” Tony Stark bowed slightly. “Y/N is practically a little sister.”

“Is he here?” Wanda watched your eyes dart, your voice became hushed.

Stark sighed. “I had to, Y/N. He supplies me my raw material. Without it, I can’t build my designs.”

The way you shifted uncomfortably on the balls of your feet made Wanda mirror your grave expression. She gave your arm a light squeeze.

“You mustn’t let him ruin tonight. Forget about it, and enjoy the party, the food. I had it prepared with the finest spices imported from the East! You must enjoy it all while you can, little one!” With that, Tony Stark waltzed off to greet another arriving guest with the same degree of enthusiasm.

“That man has too much energy for his own good.” Wanda commented under her breath, and a giggle bubble in your throat.

“Believe me, I never hear the end of it.” You quirked an eyebrow, and bent your arm out for her to hold on to.

“There’s Master Bruce Banner, the city’s best scientist and alchemist, with Lady Natasha of the House Romanoff, she’s been great help during the war.” You leaned into Wanda, gesturing towards a red-haired woman. “In fact, it was she that granted us a private audience with the Duke of Milan through her friendship with his half-sister, Caterina.”

Then you nodded your head towards a well-built gentleman with silky dark hair. “Sir James Barnes, but he goes by Bucky Barnes. They call him the ‘Winter Soldier’, for it is said he is as ruthless and barbarous with a sword as the harshest winters.”

“I’ve heard of him.” Wanda said, eyes trained on the conversing knight. “He was a mercenary, a ghost of a killer.”

“Yes, but he has since atoned for his sins. Besides,” you snickered, “the battlefield is not the only place he is barbarous. You need only to ask Steve.”

The thought came to her after a while. She gasped. “Master Steve?! He and—“

You quickly shushed her as you sported a wide grin on your face.

Wanda smiled as she looked over to you. These weeks she has been so focused on avoiding you that she never noticed how pleasant you looked when you smile. Your skin gleamed in the soft light as it trickled over the creases of lips. For a moment, she was lost in them.

“Care to dance, love?” You spoke softly, just as the band sounded their instruments. Wanda smiled at your boldness.

“I thought you’d never ask.” She giggled and let you lead her inside, towards the center of the grand hall.

“You know,” you walked in circles, hovering your hand over hers, “I didn’t think of you as a dancer, considering all you seem to do is read, scowl, read some more.”

“And you?” She raised her eyebrows and grinned. “All you do work at the bank, if not there then you work for Chiaso. At least I have time for myself. When will you?”

“In this city there is always work to be done.”

“You are not the only one capable.”

“Yet I am the only one willing to do it.” You pulled her close to you, eyes trained on her.

“You give yourself too much credit, Y/N.” Wanda stared back. The music changed courses. “You assumed all of these burdens, but none of them have been for yourself.”

“Everything I do has always been for the greater good of Chiaso.” A smile appeared on your face. She imagined you regularly flashing this smile to those you engage in diplomacy with.

“I’m sure the city is utmost grateful for all the deeds of the great Y/N Y/L/N.”

The corner of your mouth twitched, as you twirled her underneath your arm. “You don’t know me, my Lady.” It came out a whisper behind her ear.

“Then allow me,” she spun around, facing you, “to know you. That is, after all, what you wanted when you married me?”

Your eyes were dark, an amused grin playing on your lips. She had thought you were easy to read like her books. Perhaps she had been deceived by your tempered and good-natured manner. Or perhaps she was too distracted by the pinkness of your lips, or your soft scent, or the way she seemed to fit so perfectly in your arms.

“Come.” You said, and the spot around her waist where your arm had been burned at its absence. “Let us indulge in the food that Tony has been boasting about.”

Wanda didn’t notice her heart racing once you had let go of her entirely. She might have been hoping to see a pink blush on your cheeks too as you looked for the dining hall.

“Lady Wanda.” A voice called from behind. “It is my honor to meet you.”

Beside her, you let out a deep exhale, as your jaw tightened, a habit of yours she noticed when you are in distress.

The man smiled, his teeth baring like a predacious animal. He was taller than you, but the way he stood, hunched over with his arms behind his back, made him appear sickly. “Allow me to introduce myself.”

“Save it, Zemo.” You sent a glare towards the unknown man.

“Oh, come, Y/L/N. You mustn’t keep a man from making acquaintance with whom he shares an origin now, must you?”

Wanda perked up at his words. “You’re Sokovian.”

“Indeed, my Lady.” Zemo nodded. “Born and bred in the dazzling city of Novi Grad. As a boy, I would watch Duke Oleg and Duchess Irina parade the streets, their silver and gold blinding my callow eyes. I had left the city to make my own fortune before I could witness you and your brother do the same, but seeing you so well today does very much ease my conscience.”

“I thank you for your kindness, my Lord.” Wanda gave him a small smile, aware of your stiffness beside her.

“Oh, I am no lord, Your Ladyship.” The man smiled again, his eyes shifted to you. “Only a humble servant of this great republic, one perhaps still overrun with tyrants looking to hold the city in the palm of their hands.”

Wanda peered over to you. You eyed the Sokovian man with such a neutral demeanor that she couldn’t quite decipher what went on in your head. You looked calm, but the kind that only came before a storm. Wanda didn’t want to think about being on the other side of that rage.

“Yes, preserve the integrity of the republic we must always.” You spoke, composed. “Chiaso will be served well, more so when her people are one and unified. Don’t you think, Helmut?”

Zemo stood, a little bit straighter. “Undoubtedly.”

“Good.” You said. “Now, please, excuse us.”

You had pulled Wanda with you when turning away from the man.

“Rest assured, Lady Wanda!” Zemo called. “You will always have an ally here. Us Sokovians must stay together in a city full of snakes!”

You lunged at the man, much to Wanda’s surprise.

“Leave my wife out of this. This does not need concern her.” You seethed.

“Why not? You said it yourself. She’s your wife, she has the right to know.” Zemo’s smug smile persisted.

“Know what?” She said. “Y/N?”

“So you have not told her, Y/L/N?” He bellowed a scornful laugh. “How you committed adultery with my wife and killed her!”

The commotion had begun to attract the nearby nobles, gasping and whispering amongst themselves. and Wanda’s mouth hung agape as she stared at you in horror.

You sent glares at Zemo, and shoved a finger in his chest. “Carla’s passing was your doing.”

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

a/n: what da faWk is happening? :D i think i might have gone overboard with this one. pls let me know what you think abt all thAt. also thank you tHANK YOU SO MUCH for your support on part 1!! :’) i tried to tag everyone who asked for a part 2 or specifically to be tagged last time. there were some that i couldn’t find so if you wanna be tagged, pls make sure you switched on visibility! thank you lurv y’all 🥺

taglist:

@fanboy7794 @ohmygooddamnbisexualmood @anotherunsuccessful @roger-that-cap @the-camilucha @madamevirgo @posie125 @helloalycia @just-your-local-history-nerd @marvels-writings @allfiguredout @rebeliz777 @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @women-am-i-right @daenerys713

[loopy777]

Is visions good? Ive kinda just... Given up on star wars by now, given every time they do something that might have brought me back in full, something new happens on disneys side to remind me just how much i hate disney and its take on star wars down to my bones.

It's the best thing Disney has done with Star Wars, easily- even though not all of the shorts are individually that good. I have my own favorites, and a few that I found just kind of Eh, but together as an anthology they were exactly what I've been missing since I finished watching the classic trilogy back in 1992. Visions arguably does Star Wars better in some ways than 'Return of the Jedi' or the prequels. And yes, that's a highly contestable statement that I'm using to make a point and I will absolutely not die on that hill, but the point is a good one. ;)

I've seen people kind of shrug that it's just a bunch of anime-style shorts about Jedi, and guess I can understand the reaction, although I can't imagine that anyone who isn't down for endless variations of Jedi is actually much of a Star Wars fan. (I'm not gatekeeping; I just think that it's really hard to find any Star Wars without Jedi of some kind in it.) However, I think that the perspectives and styles that went into the shorts made for a really fun experience that found new life in the old ideas. This essay does a good job expressing it.

But what I best loved is that most of the shorts really seemed to grasp George Lucas's original goals and influences, and executed them brilliantly: the mix of quiet and bombast, the juxtaposition of 'used' tech with fantasy-like nature, the aspirational fairy tale quality, even the way droids are used as sidekicks and bit characters. It feels different than the stuff that's influenced by Star Wars itself, which so often copies technology design and settings and major characters and etc, slavishly adhering to the surface level of Star Wars, but missing what made the original movies so compelling- and, for their time, weird. At one point, Star Wars looked like nothing else in popular media, before it influenced all of popular media. No new Star Wars, not even Visions, can entirely escape the shadow of the legacy of the franchise, but Visions definitely comes the closest out of everything and more than delivers a great experience.

But perhaps you shouldn't go by me. I still think 'The Last Jedi' should have set the path for all Disney Star Wars going forward. And I also think 'The Mandalorian' is mostly good as long as you don't expect too much from it. And I also think 'Rebels' is good stuff. So I'm not an anti-Disney crusader, even though I think its good output is more of a happy accident than deliberate.

I'm a study in Star Wars fan contrasts.

But I will say that Visions could have used less high-heels for its female characters. It got funny at a certain point.

[timextoxhajima]

HOSTIS, Chapter VII: Partium, The Party

Previous Chapter (VI: Venerum)

Member: Lee Hyunjae (tbz)

Genre (by chapter): comedy, drama, angst???

Category: Short Novel/Long Series

aphrodite was talking to ares, but it was the wrong ares. 

five days of being a real doctor.

patients to take care of. medical records to keep up with. 

for awhile, it seemed so quiet; life was nothing but tranquil for the last five days. even lucifer next door seemed so cooped up in his own patients to deal with that he hadn’t really had the time or energy to come and annoy you. 

maybe it was zeus’ way of telling you that he was done making two areses play a never-ending war. all the two of you really needed was a reminder that you were both finally in a place you wanted to be. you’ve spent most of your life studying and drowning in words and science to get here; why waste that effort by throwing yourself into a wrestling ring with him?

but zeus also seemed to be petty with how much aphrodite he was offering you. 

since eric sent you home last week, you haven’t seen him since. doctor kim hasn’t emailed you or told doctor choi that you were needed in the research department, neither were you available in any given point of time to even go to the research department to look for the intern. 

you felt like a young girl who just realised she had the biggest, fattest crush on the cutest guy in school, and not being able to see him was arguably one of the most heart wrenching things you could possibly feel, even at this age.

he was kind, cute, not to mention lively and enthusiastic, and god, those eyes.

your scheduled rounds were about ten minutes away, so letting yourself fall back into the pillows and feathers and wedding bells in your head wasn’t so difficult. you’ve learnt to treat ten minutes like precious treasure despite being a full-fledged doctor for only five days. 

the gentle ripples of the piano playing from the stereo behind you loosens all the knots in your shoulders, and your head falls back into the seat with your eyes fluttered shut. 

eric son young jae...

ding

one of your eyes open upon the duty call from the office computer, and you notice the newest email coming from another staff member you don’t recognise. giving yourself a little shake, you sit back up and click on the newest email, the contents of it surprisingly not as important as you were predicting it to be.

from: lee sang yeon (asst. head of dept)

to: the neurology dept, the neuro-research dept

subject: the NRD quarterly party

dear all,

every three months in a year, the neurology department (NRD) has a strict tradition of throwing a party to celebrate and congratulate the hard work all the doctors in our department have put in. 

in these quarterly parties, we sing cheers to successful operations with high-risk, prestigious achievements and research findings, and new doctors after their 2-week-mentee period has ended. 

this year shall not be any different. 

despite the NRD’s unofficial events management team having some trouble finding a location to throw our party, we are pleased to share our gratitude to our new doctor, lee hyunjae, for offering his home for this grand celebration. 

the party will be held this friday (two days from now) at the following address attached to this email. 

do inform either me or doctor choi young joon if you are unable to be present.

thank you, and we see you there!

oh, for fucks’ sake.

of all places?

a soft sigh exhales through your nose and you minimise the window, gathering your pens and patient files to begin on your rounds. 

the hallway of the ward spaces come into view once you exit the lift, and you were just about to turn into one of the wards that had three patients in them. 

“good morning mrs kang.”

the voice halts you in your tracks, and you back up against the wall so nobody in the ward sees you.

“good morning doctor lee, how are you doing today? your rounds are never this early,” the frail lady, who was your patient, sounded so calm and relaxed; you could almost imagine the look on her face. 

you remember the first time you met her. mrs kang was previously doctor choi’s patient, so she first saw you when both you and lee hyunjae were trailing him. she was initially cold and reserved, even to doctor choi, but with the both of you, she looked at you like she was looking at her own children. 

“i decided to pop by my patients earlier today to chat with them, see if they understand why they’re really in the hospital,” you hear the clacking of the clipboard that was slotted into a holder at the end of the bed, and for a moment you wonder why he was even bothering himself with your patient. “sometimes older patients don’t really grasp the importance of their health and they just go along with the flow while their kids admit them to the hospital.”

a pause.

“how is mr yoon over there? he’s your patient, right?”

“mr yoon’s doing alright, but he’s definitely had better days,” the clipboard slides back into the slot at the edge of the bed, and you hear his footsteps shift around in the ward. “how are you doing? how’s doctor l/n treating you?”

“oh, she’s wonderful, sometimes i wonder why i couldn’t have two doctors because i’d definitely have the both of you to take care of me in my time here.”

that last line pulled on your heartstrings, and you know it was terribly unprofessional of you to even feel it, but your heart shattered upon her words. 

mrs kang was a amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) patient and she was only deemed as low-risk because doctor choi gave her another year to live; all you had to do was make sure her condition didn’t spiral.

yet, it was difficult to swallow that she was aware her time was limited, and there was nothing she could do about it. if lee hyunjae has read her patient records, then he would know why she said that. 

you hear a chair get lifted off the ground and it sets down barely a second later, a soft shuffling motivating you to angle your head into the ward, keeping most of your body outside.

the sight of him sitting by the hospital bed, by your patient, with absolutely no clue you were standing right outside, rippled gentle chills throughout your body. the view was so rare and unfamiliar, the disbelief that filled your chest was almost difficult to contain. 

“rest assured, we will stay with you for as long as you need. if doctor l/n or doctor choi isn’t around to attend to you, then i will, alright?” 

mr yoon coughs loudly, and lee hyunjae’s attention gets snatched away. 

“give me a moment, would you?”

the chair doesn’t make a sound as he carefully gets up and returns to his patient, and you grasp this chance to walk in to avoid creating an awkward situation. 

“good morning, mrs kang,” a polite smile automatically surfaces on your lips, and you pick up her records to tally with the one you had. “how are you feeling today?”

“i’ve had better days but definitely better than yesterday. how are you?”

“i’m going to a party on friday night, jealous?” 

she scoffs before bursting into soft laughter, the sound of her happiness when you teased her making your heart feel so warm and at ease. your eyes and hands start to wander around her iv drip and her medicine schedule located by the side of her bed, and you could feel her eyes follow your every move while she comes down from her high. 

“i met my husband when i went to the craziest party i had in my life,” the little story hugs your heart with warm arms while you click your pen and jot down some routinely checks. 

“maybe you’ll meet yours this friday,” her eyes were glistening with such wonder, you had to physically restrain yourself from souring your nose. 

“i pretty much already know everybody who’s going to the party this friday,” a pout on your face causes her to chuckle.

“staff party?”

“yeah.”

“maybe you’ll find out that someone you already know is the right one for you.”

“oh, god forbid that happens. i’m fine on my own and i always will be,” a scoff rumbles in the back of your mouth and you side-eye her as you finish up your checks.

“that’s what everybody says until they find the right one.”

you provide her with a small smile, swiftly double-checking all her needs. your pen was jotting down the last round of checks before her attention rides past you.

“goodbye, doctor lee!”

“bye, mrs kang. rest well, and i’ll see you tomorrow when i come to check on mr yoon.”

how was it that the grin on her face was given and caused by lucifer? watching him interact with her so carefully and kindly made you think you’ve just been fighting with a twin brother instead. 

there was absolutely no way that it was the same person. 

but you couldn’t deny the admiration for his professionalism and his dedication to his job. he didn’t need to care or have such a candid conversation with mrs kang, especially not when she wasn’t even his patient. 

not just that, he didn’t even say anything horrible about you. 

he could’ve, but he didn’t.

it made you feel slightly guilty, but where there was guilt, there was resent; there was a reminder that he spent half his life trying to mess with yours. his professionalism didn’t warrant any change in attitude from you.

friday comes by in a flash, and the sudden realisation that you were going to be stuck in hell the entire night, pretending like you weren’t, made you want to hurl your lunch. 

eric was going to be there, and you haven’t seen him in almost a week. you weren’t entirely sure why though; firstly, because you didn’t ask anybody why you weren’t needed at the research department -- there was no reason to. secondly, doctor kim looked like he was having fun dumping a lot of the tinier pieces of research required on him. so while you were making your rounds and being the doctor you were now, eric was probably suffocating from the mounts of research information doctor kim was allocating him.

you couldn’t remember the last time you decided wearing jeans and a one-sleeved top was a good idea, but you did it anyway. your face was caked with more makeup than you usually wore to the hospital, only because you were ready to let yourself go and really soak yourself in the idea of a party, not caring that everybody there was going to be a qualified neurologist or research officer. 

you had one goal tonight, and that was to win your aphrodite over. 

the house looked like a set from a horror movie; you know, the one where you walk in thinking everything would be perfect but everybody dies.

maybe it was just your hatred for the owner.

“HEY!” the door swings open when you knock on it, and the unusually loud music was literally making eric scream over the bass thumping throughout the walls of the house. “was just wondering when you’d get here!” 

your ankle boots give you an extra height boost, so eric was just slightly above eye level now. he takes the pack of beer from your hands and nods you into the house, a couple of other neurologists you recognise from regularly walking past them greeting you. 

“where’s doctor lee?” your voice was literally inaudible, but you could hear the strained vibrations in your throat as he places the pack of beer on the kitchen counter. 

“who? oh!” his eyes dart behind you and he tip-toes, craning his neck to look for the person you asked for. “i think he’s in the living room talking to someone!”

the first reaction to his response was to turn around and search for lucifer, wondering who in the right frame of mind would even want to entertain him. but you remember all the love letters he received throughout school, so it wasn’t a surprise when you see him chatting with a female doctor. 

his lips were moving, and he was nodding every other second, looking like she was pi telling the story of being stranded in the middle of the ocean. 

he suddenly looks up, and your eyes involuntarily lock for a moment. the non-physical contact drills shivers down your spine when you realise the last time you even looked at him was a week ago, when you saw him in the carpark before and after you tripped into eric’s arms. 

eric’s voice tears your attention away from lee hyunjae though, and you lean your torso over the kitchen island to watch him fill two cups with punch. 

“are you alright with punch?” his eyes look up at you through his lashes, pushing one cup across the table to you. “i normally don’t offer beer to girls.”

a chuckle pulls your lips apart, and the punch washes down your throat easily. “‘normally’, huh?”

he notices the mockery in your voice and he smiles, that gorgeous sight forcing butterflies into you. 

"doesn't it feel like it's been forever since we last met?" he gestures for your cup and you slide it back to him.

"it's been a whole week," you pause and walk around the kitchen island so that he wouldn't need to risk spilling the drink all over the surface if he wanted to slide it over again. "my duties officially started this week and doctor kim didn't need us over at the research department."

"ohhhhh, so that's why..."

"you sound disappointed," you rest one hand against the kitchen island, barely keeping an arm's length distance away from him.

"i was looking forward to hanging out with you more, and i considered going over to the neuro department to look for you but i was afraid i was going to be disruptive," he hands you the cup, and you lean one hip on the edge. the drink in the cup was swirling in circles while you watched him fill his own, and from the corner of your eye you catch lee hyunjae talking to another female doctor, this time right at the foot of the stairs near the entrance of the kitchen.

"actually--" he pulls the cup away from his lips just as he was about to take a sip. blinking at him as he whirls around the kitchen before returning with a napkin, pulling out a pen from a drawer that you didn't even know why it was there, he begins jotting down his... number?

"here's my number," the blue ink on the napkin was a little pathetic, but it was adequate for all the digits to show. 

you do a little imaginary punch of triumph into the air, your chest feeling a little weightless when he pushes it across the counter to you. "drop me a text and we'll hang out. even after my intern ends, we can totally get a drink together!"

blood and shyness rush up to your face, and you thank the house for having the worst lighting ever to hide your blush.

"my phone's dead and it's rude to ask for someone else's phone to save my number in."

"aw, you're such a sweetheart," the coo that comes off your tongue was packed with innuendo and you push yourself away from the table so you could shove it into your pocket. but the friction between your shoes when you make a misstep pushes you off your balance, you fall again, straight into eric's arms.

because of the slight change in height, eric now has his arm wrapped around your waist. his chest becomes your landing space for your palm, and your legs become softer when you look up through your mascara coated lashes at him.

"you really need to work on your balance."

the butterflies in your stomach intensify their movements when he pulls you up, and your arms were the only thing keeping the two of you apart.

"i do, don't i?" the blaring noise of the music gets cancelled out, and you catch the moment that eric hesitates before he leans forward into you. his chest starts to push your hands over his shoulders and the kiss becomes like a dream.

subconsciously, you start cancelling out the loud music, and for a moment you were grateful that everybody else was probably too occupied screaming at whoever it was they were talking to. 

neither of your lips move, making the kiss so soft and warm and fuzzy. 

it didn't last very long, but it was long enough for you to taste the bit of beer he probably had before you came.

eric slowly pulls away, his eyes immediately searching for yours to make sure you weren't in any way uncomfortable.

"oh," the realisation sinks in, and his hold around you loosens. "i'm sorry, i didn't--"

"no, no, it's fine," he releases you, and you suck your lips between your teeth, slightly desperate to taste the rest of him in your mouth.

"i'm... i'm gonna go catch up with the other... people," the effort to try to mask his embarrassment was so astoundingly adorable, you couldn't resist the large smile that broke out on your face. "i'll catch you later."

he gives you an awkward wave as he runs off, and you turn your body to look for the pack of beer you brought. your mind relentlessly throws you back to that kiss and you replay it a billion times in your head, the alcohol in the beer only making you fall more in love with something that was already over.

"hey, doctor l/n, right?"

the voice was unfamiliar, and you look up to see someone you've only seen in pictures in doctor choi's office.

"oh, yes, i am," hurriedly gulping down the beer in your mouth, you put the can down and pat your palm on your jeans. "i'm guessing you're... doctor lee sang yeon?"

he nods and offers to shake your hand, which you gladly take. there was a can of beer in his free hand as well, and it felt like he deliberately displayed it to you so you wouldn't feel too awkward.

"mhm, my apologies that i haven't been around to welcome you and... doctor lee hyunjae, was it?"

ew.

"oh, right, yeah."

"i was away the last two weeks because i was hired as a short term lecture in a local med-school."

“that’s so cool,” the beer can finds your lips again and you take a big gulp. 

you spend easily the next hour talking to sang yeon, who you found out was the hospital’s youngest assistant department head. 

not only that, he even praised your research work. apparently, doctor kim had already read both yours and lucifer’s research reports and both provided him with fascinating results. 

but what was even more gratifying was that lee sang yeon never said a word about lucifer’s report. drinking beer while listening to sang yeon talk about your report was like eating sugar or a tub of ice cream. 

most of the night was reserved for talking to lee sang yeon, looking out for eric and seeing his bright smile whenever he catches you looking at him. occasionally, doctor kim would come round the kitchen looking for more beer, but doctor choi was always around to stop him. 

the night slowly settles in, and you could tell it was getting late when some of your colleagues who you just met began to leave the house. 

you would’ve too, but eric was still here. 

worry and displeasure start to creep up on you like mike on halloween when you spot lucifer talking to eric, but judging by the smile spread across his face, lucifer wasn’t doing much besides making the little puppy happy. 

one of your colleagues was going off about one of her patients the previous year, so your attention felt so oddly torn. 

nonetheless, it was slightly sickening to know that though aphrodite was talking to ares, it was the wrong ares. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter VIII: Invidia

[uwuowotf2waslife]

The mercs with an s/o who is on the autism spectrum? If you want to

 as a person with diagnosed autism( ASD that later changed to SCD but concidering my countrys lack of proper diagnosis and non-existant support when i was growing up, im not sure,it might was a result of chronic abuse or i was a really weird kid) its my duty to answer this ask,

always know that you are perfect with all your imperfections 

just because maybe your brain is wired different it doest make you less of a person

you are poetry

Scout

-my boy has adhd ( probably undiagnosed until he was examined by Medic) so you two might have a little problem at the begining.

-he might be the closest to a jack russel in human form, but he cares about you and is willing to sit down and do his research so he can understand you and your struggles. He isn’t a hypocrite, he is a hyperenergetic bundle of daddy issues and is sure he will annoy you from time to time, he annoys pretty much everyone except his mom on rare occasion, he is a hanfull and he knows that years now. But he also has come to understand that everyone has struggles and little things that make them more special than others.

-if you have problems with communication , he’ll be your mouth .Problems with sensory overstimulation? he will escort you to the safest place and hug you tighter than he thought hes capable of. People mistreating or bullying/insult you? the bat is in his hands and his ready to hit home runs on their balls. You might not be the perfect couple, you will struggle like every couple and have fights and arguments, but he is ready to phase every difficulty that comes on your way. He loves you and he is here for the ride even if its bumpy.

Soldier

-( I and i think a big part of the community claim he is actually autistic) Probably the most tricky of the mercs, since at one side he might completely relate/understand you and the relationship go smoother than soft butter on bread, or he might have problems communicating the relationship problems with you.

-as all relationships you two must sit down and communicate your problems. Believe me he isn’t mentally retarded ( a horrible misconsumption ive seen being thrown around), yes he is stubborn and can’t read social cues to save his life, but he is a loyal beefcake with a golden heart hardened by a lifitime of war. He knows he isn’t the perfect man, he has nightmares and panic attacks on the regualr after so much trauma in his life. But he also knows that if he S/O needs him, it doesnt matter if its a small or big thing, he is ready to go through hell and back to make them happier or more comfortable 

-you can’t stand loud noises? copy that privet, he will stop yelling/ screaming around you. Certain things make you uncomfortable/ anxious? hes at your side and he is ready to snap necks...you have his heart and his adoration, he ain’t a coward or a pansy, you’ll win over any challenge that comes your way like the absolute unit you are and he is there to assist

Pyro

-fresh from the start they can recognise you have autism, i lowkey think they might be ( actually in young adults asd and mild schizophrenia can be mixed and confused by not good qualified doctors, its been years since i read that study so correct me if im wrong) or have really good gut insticts. Either way, they know you are struggling and trie in subtle ways to help you

-did an important call without stuttering? hug and smooch on the crown of your head, completed all your work/homework? they will cover you in stickers and cuddle you in their pillowfort, stood up for yourself? my girl theyll make a huge cupcake tray and youll two will eat while watching sappy disney films

- you won’t struggle as much, i see them as more easy going than other members of the team. But they also have big issues that may create problems in the relationship that you both need  to work on. They are more than a handfull and they aren’t unaware of it, they spended years locked inside their own head doing god-knows how vile and harming things to their mentality and body, they can’t believe they are alive and they wake up every day next to the most beautifull human being they have come across their lif, ( Y/n). You will bond slow but strong , you are their sunshine and theyll make sure their sunshine shines no matter what they have to do

Engie

( lowkey i think is canon he has some form of high-functioning autism, just hide its behind the southern warm and soft hospitality)

- when you confess, he hugs you ( a big thing coming from him since i dont consider him a touchy fella)  and returns the confession that he is too. He knows each person experiences different so he won’t press you for explanations or description of what you have is excactly. He just assures whatever happens, he is there to help you with

- doesn’t really change how he views you, but he takes the initiative for things like talking to strangers, calling to order or things that you struggle with, but he doesnt baby you. You are an adult person and will be treated as that, even if sometimes he feels he needs to “help” or “protect” you

-one of the most  easy going of the mercs, but his work is his priority so there will be long arguments about it. He understands your frustation, but he is a workaholic years now before you came in his life and can’t bring himself to change that. His work is his routine, the only comfort he knows and the only place that accepted him for who he is. But, he will be more elastic and have more breaks/ days off even if it means the project will be finished an hour or two later, unless it has an urgent deadline. He knows he can be very cold and emotionless, he is an engineer, not a spy for that reason. Furthermore he has his own times when he is stubborns or has an anger explosion because something broke/didnt meet his expectations or got way too invested into something that turned to be worthless/ uselless so he isn’t the one to judge if you are in a sour mood or you have your own “ explosion”. After all said and done, late at night when you are both alonein his workshop he will just cradle you in his arms and make a silence promise to always be there for you through thin and thick ( as we say to go through 40 waves and 40 more ) because you are something that no machine or creation can emulate or recreate, you are ( Y/N) and you are the love of his life.

Demo

-arguably one of the three more knowledgable of the mercs in the topic of mental health department. Being raised in an orphanage i doubt he didnt had at least a dozen other kids who had from high to moderate to severe autism ( during the 20th century it wasnt uncommon for people with autism to be thought less human or that the family of said people couldn’t provide for them in severe cases so theyd be dropped on orphanages and psychiatric hospitals)., so he has some first hand experiene with what autism is. It isn’t something for him in all honesty, after so much trauma and hardship in his life he is at peace that peopleare different and their brains are rarely wired the same

-he also know he isn’t ideal, he acts really stupid when he is drunk and his alcohol consumption alone is a very big problem for any relationship he ever had in his life and i doubt he is the image of psychological perfection, but he also knows that if you are willing to keep him around you have seen him wasted out of his mind, he is more than willing to put up with anyof your quirks or difficulties.

-you want to stim? go ahead he’ll leave the room/the house so you can stim to your hearts content, you want to stay? sure thing lass, hell sit in a corner and drink a bit while you have your thing. Work/ school/ home life is stress full and you are in the verge of a breakdown? he has already wrapped you like a burrito and he is holding you while you cry/vent, you dont want to be touched at that moment? hell take you to an open field and you can blow things up to get all those feelings out of you. He isn’t ideal, he is at peace with that, but now that you appeared in his life, you became the apple of his eye. He’ll cherish you and protect you both as body but as a mind and a soul for whatever shit life throws at you, he was never one to back down a challenge.

Heavy

-due to the language barrier and his nature as a quiet man it’ll take him some time. If you bring it up he’ll simply nod and run to Medic or Spy for translation. He isn’t shy to do a doctors worth of research so he knows what he has to deal with, he knows his english is broken and would prefer to have a migraine over the amount of books hes read than make you feel uncomfortable. Probably will ask advice from Medic ( the most qualified on the team) untill hes satisfied he knows enough.

-probably the sanest of the mercs, but he isn’t perfection. He had to endure famine and death from very early in his life, always be the stone his family anchored on and most people on his life, so he has his own big problems. At one side he is used to so many things, he is somewhat indiferent. You aren’t harming anyone nor its life threatening, so it doesnt really change what he feels about you. All people have flaws, noones perfect and if they do think they are perfect, they are very, very wrong. I won’t lie to you, some times hell get confuse with your behavior or will get tired of being the “ anchor” of the relationship, but he will never admit it. He survived the Gulags and years in Siberia, this is nothing but a walk in the park for him. He isn’t a fuckboy, he doesn’t want you just for some fuck and then hell forget you exist, he is much more sentimental than he appears to be. He beginned this with you because he sees you more than a body, he sees you as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with even if itll be a challenge, he was never a quiter and he wont be now.

- don’t expect much communication help from him, unless its in russian. But whenever you feel the tiniest bit of self-doubt or anxiety his arms are open to embrace and warm you with  his love. He might was raised among anarchy and war, but he is a gentle giant with a heart bigger than Russia herself. He knows you two will struggle especially on the communication domain but he is willing  to do what it takes to make your life easier/ less challenging. He came here to stay, only if you allow him 

Medic

-Arguably the most medically qualified of the mercs, but considering the era of his studies hes at least rusty on modern terminology and general understanding of what autism is. Nontheless his a doctor ( with or without a medical license) and i doubt he ever followed the rules of ethical and unethical medicine. He is a healer primeraly and he can’t claim to be the most mentaly stable of the team.

-he might be many things, he knows hes at least crazy by normal standards and has made extremely questionable choices in his life,but he cares for the people he is close to, lovers and collagues alike. He won’t try to ‘change’or ‘medicate’ you; unless you specifically ask him for, like yes he has defied any sort of ethical medicine and has played god many times in his life, but he knows that if he changes you, you won’t be ‘you’. You will be you still, but nothing more than a lobotomized version of yourself and he fears that. Let’s be real, he probably choosed you because you are a smart individual ( that includes both street and book smarts alike) so if he “killed” your smart he would essentially kill you and this doesnt sit well with him.

-feeling down? no worries, the doctor is here ( afterhe finis hes re-connecting snipers new kidneys). Stressed? Archimedes will be your own personal cheerleader and the rest of the flock won’t let you all stressed and alone while Medic is working. In the simplest of works,he wants you to know that  he might be a madman on the field and the medbay, but he is also your lover and that means he cares about you. He doesnt care if act a lil strange or you have some special things about you, guess what? he doesnt cares. H e never cared and he will never cared, all the greatest minds had something  special about them and you are no exception. He chosed to have a relationship with  you and you accepted the love request of a surgery-happy maniac , im sure he is beyond equiped to handle you in all aspects. He might not be the most touchy but he will make his point across that you are someone who means wayy to much for him to change

Sniper

- ( i highly think he is autistic, just the way hes potrayed in most fanfics he acts lowkey autistic, mostly in the communication and sociable part) growing up in the middle of nowhere probably he has never even heard ‘autism’ as a word , so his very lost. (another headcanon of mine is that he is also iliterate) You need to explain to him what autism is and how it affects your life. He has a non-pleasant expression on his face, because he realises most things that you say what that “autism”is and the thing it has are things he actually  has and felt throughout his life. He looks like hes having a religious expierience and when you are done he only nods and hugs you almost mechanically.

-he will need some time, not because ofyou, but because of him. You might think he is breaking up with, butin reality he just needs some time alone to sit down and think about all the things you said. Its one of the biggest revalations he has experienced on his life and it has hit him like a wall of bricks.

- after a few days he will return to the base and will ask you to meet with him on the most secluded of his snipers nest. While you prepare for the upcoming breakup, he actually showers and wears somet hing nice for the first time in a while. He goes out of his way to make the sniper nest a bit more “ comfortable” even bribe spy into giving him one of his fancy wines. Once you go up the nest and you two meet, he is the most clingy he has ever been and almost drinks the whole bottle out of pure anxiety. Once his tipsy enough he actually confesses that from the things you said, he found out hes also autistic. Que him basically clinging you like a broken koala baby while half-sobbing to expell all the tension he  has inside him. Please pet his hair and rub his back,he will melt and quit his rugged manly man persona for that moment. He needs you there, he needs your soft touch to ground him while his whole life comes crushing down and a weight he never imagined is being lifted from his shoulders.After that, its quaranteed you two won’t be seperated ever again, he needs you to ease all this pain he has gathered from his troubled life and he will provide you the world and the stars.

Spy

- he knows what autism is( as a spy he should know about human psychology/mental disorders just to know how to impersonate any person with or without issues) and he is a very observant man. He has above average attention span and knows how to read body language so he has figured you are autistic a long time ago. He is just waiting for you to open up about it or confess it, but he also knows the social stigma around autism so he keeps his mouth shut because he really doesn’t want you  to feel uncomfortable or ‘naked’ in front of him

- i heavily headcanon him to be at least depressed/having an ugly anxiety disorder or even a dissosiative disorder considering a big part of his life is carefully crafted theater , so he can’t say he is any more better than you.Furthermore he never really cared about what society thinks about mental ilnesses, whos here to judge who sane and not? he has seen so much shady things behind closed doors of “ pure” people he has lost all respect for what society thinks its normal and what is weird or not acceptable. Yes he follows the rules of “good” society but thats more of a habit than a need. Plus have you seen what the good ol’ society behind close doors? yap youll need a good bible study and some church to wash away the sins.

-eventually when you confess to him,he doesn’t really act. He knows its a heavyemotinal moment for you but he can’t open up for his own problems, at least now. But he will embrace you for now and say all the sweet words you need to hear...untill the same time he gets drunker than he can and confesses to you in french all his psychological troubles while he cries on your chest. He won’t let go unless he wants to vomit and he will cling to you for dear life while he experiences one of the ugliest meltdowns he has experienced in the last decade. Probably will wake up with a monster of a hangover, but once he feels you wrapped around him and feel your heartbeat on the bones of his back something will meltin him. He will gather whatever strenght he has, turn around, give you one of the most genuine smiles he has ever given in his entire life and peck your lips bore he starts whining and requiesting you to either kill him or fetch medic. Perhaps one day hell say all the things he wants to say in you mother tongoue but for now, just know he will cherish you and love you like the most exquisite poetry that has graced his life

[thespamman24]

A dumb thing I wrote when i was 13

Here’s a dumb thing I wrote for fun when I was 13. I was trying to be funny. Keep in mind that I was young and immature.

The History of Stravania

The history of Stravania is marked as beginning in 300 BCE when Ulc The Semi Decent united several tribes into a kingdom called the Kingdom of Norvella (Norvella being Ulcs mother) in present day Stravania. The kingdom grew for several decades until Roman general Pompeo attempted to conquer it. The current king, Talker IV was able to fend off the Romans by convincing them that Norvella was a spa.

   In 14 BCE Christianity arrived but did not take on since they thought that Jesus was a pants salesman. In 212 CE Norvella split into two parts Lurbengrald and Western Norvella. Western Novella eventually became a Christian nation while Lurbengrald split into several city states, tribes, and nudist colonies.  

      Both Western Novella and Lurbengrald spent most of the Middle Ages being conquered by groups such as the Goths, Byzantines, the Ottomans and a small band of nuns. When the Ottomans conquered it, they designated both Western Norvella and Lurbengrald as one territory under the name Stravania.  

        In 1733 Stravania got its independence from the Ottomans. In 1821 Stravania briefly became a democracy but changed back to a monarchy after the Prime Minister Veronic turned out to be a coconut. Stravania didn’t fully become a democracy until 1857 when a rebellion broke out with the rebels wanting to set up a republic. They were successful when they held the royals china hostage. To this very day the royal family is purely ceremonial much like the British royal family.

        The first prime minister or Salrek (literally: goat herder) was Alexander Alexander. Such was his popularity that he was re-elected for a third time in 1864 despite having been dead for 3 years. This time, in which Stravania was ruled by a statue, was seen as a time of peace and prosperity. 

In 1879 Stravania entered the 50 year war, which actually only lasted 5 weeks, where they fought Japan. The war was started when prime minister Lergund Bachrev fell asleep during a meeting and began visibly drooling on the ambassador to Japan's suit. War was declared, but due to the long distance between the two, both armies kept getting lost and eventually the whole thing was put off (to this day they still haven’t found all the missing soldiers).

In the late nineteenth century Stravania took an active part in world politics and made many alliances with other nations. However, this backfired when World War I happened and Stravania accidentally declared war on itself due to the tangled mesh of alliances circling Europe. This proved to be very messy with soldiers punching and fighting themselves. Eventually the decision on what side they would be on came down to a coin toss and they joined the allies. During the war, Austria Hungary briefly occupied it but they were fended off by the Stravanians playing polka polka music (polka polka music being used as a weapon was later banned in the Warsaw pact). 

    The 1920s as well as being a prosperous age for many countries was very good for Stravania. The economy was great and male pattern baldness was down to 7.5%. However, this all changed when the Great Depression hit. With thousands out of jobs and hundreds with male pattern baldness, Stravania followed other European countries' examples and turned to fascism. This is known as the most shameful part of Stravanias history (with the second being the soy cheese riots of 1832).  

    In world war 2 Stravania sided with the Axis powers but was still invaded by Germany because they did not notice it was there. After the war ended and the  horrors of Nazi Germany were revealed Stravania turned away from fascism to democracy. Then, in one of the biggest acts of apology made by a country, Stravania parachuted thousands of ferrets into France in 1951. Charles Gaulle (the prime minister of France at that time) was so touched by the act of regret he personally thanked the current Salrek, Ruzbek Huzbek and told him the country of Stravania was forgiven and they needn’t send any more ferrets. Today Ruzbek Huzbek is hailed as being arguably the best Salrek. However, his legacy has been slightly diminished due to rumors that he peed in the Prime Minister of Sweden’s shoes because he overheard him saying mean things about him. Ruzbek Huzbek died in 1956 from an overdose of poison.

In the 1960's a revolution broke out by several communist fighters wishing to take over the government. However they were thwarted when the rebels mixed up directions and the entire rebel army ended up in Italy. Over the course of the next 20 twenty years Stravania continuously had a tug of war between communism and democracy which was settled by an actual game of tug of war between the two main parties. The democracy party won and the communist side admitted defeat.

In recent years Stravania has made great strides in modernizing. In 2011 they legalized people identifying as an insurance salesman.

 In 1918 women got the right to vote but it wasn’t until 1954 that they got the right to recite Shakespeare in front of their husbands. 

This isn’t all of it, but if you want the rest I can deliver.

[flufflebones]

some more fun hcs about delphine [mc 1.... closest 2 my heart since ive used her in various settings for a While]! it’s a little long so im slapping it under a cut but its all sfw and all very much in good fun.

you know, mostly. i only really got two headcanons down and one is brief/about michael and the other is about pets in the devildom

- can and will fight michael do you think they saw the angel/anni event and were ok with it? yeah? no! just going to kick him hard enough in the shin to....... probably bust their own foot but its FINE 

- has an approximate accumulated f*ckton of devildom native and possibly (definitely) magical pets

[The list:

Sosig / Sausage - Hellhound - Gift from Beelzebub!:

A beast of considerable size and [reportedly] god awful temperament, bearing charcoal fur and the lingering [faint] scent of sulphur. More vulpine than canine, their frames are typically gaunt, with the flames that fuel their bodies licking out from the ends of their tails, their ankles and wrists [on their normal quadrupedal legs], the inner portions of their ears [leaving them at a disadvantage when it comes to hearing], their somewhat visible / open ribcage, and the corners of their mouth. 

Despite this general introduction, hellhounds are wildly varied and have a number of breeds and variations in recent history, typically intended for one of three purposes.

Companionship - These hellhounds are typically smaller in stature and less sturdy, with a tendency to bond strongly to one or two masters [with some consideration/leeway for those close to their master: See- Cerberus]. Arguably the most docile of any class of hellhound, they are still dangerous if not raised correctly, and have a nasty bite. Though not a true classification and with no formal means of training a hound to do so naturally, some companion hellhounds serve as a psuedo service dog, heavily attuned to the needs and potential problems unique to their primary master. This isn’t to say that they are an alternative to service animals, or anywhere near as well trained, *of course*, but the devildom is hardly the safest place for a regular human realm animal; And sometimes, you’ve just got to work with what you’ve got.

Sport / Show - Typically very much breed standard. While raised to tolerate handling and grooming, these traditionally built hellhounds are temperamental at best and borderline terrifying when their willful nature comes in direct conflict with a demonic handler who bit off more than they can chew. Heavily regulated, and typically owned by the elite.

Protection - The devildom is dangerous, and nobody is questioning that. Demons with a knack for animal handling [or demons who can afford to hire someone skilled with animals, of course!] breed and train these creatures to guard many things; People, places, objects, etc. They’re typically territorial and hard to train as a rule, as one cannot allow for a beast such as this to be tempted by treats or good petting from *anyone*, yfm?

Sausage is a bit of a mixed bag. Born from protective stock and bought by Beelzebub after overhearing Mammon trying to convince Lucifer to get Delphine/my mc a pet [who lays eggs, we’ll get there, that he can sell for a massive profit]. Being the youngest present brother at the time, anything capturing his interest other than food is both welcomed and encouraged in an attempt to positively reinforce him to not put the devildom at risk of a famine.

Delphine unintentionally raised this brick house of a hellhound puppy into a sort of in-between of companion and protector, with him being very social, very sweet, and *fairly* defensive and willful if things aren’t going his way. He’s typically the one to step in most successfully to motivate her to move around [yes, moreso than the brothers!] and do her day to day tasks, and is probably the best way to find out if something’s wrong with her-- Past being able to just kind of drag her off due to their size differential, his general wit and ability to communicate his needs and wants have led to unexpected food deliveries, blankets spread over her shoulders, and human world medicines arriving a few days before she shows any real signs of illness that she can see.

He’s also spoiled as all get out. If you’re sharing a bed/couch/blanket/etc with her, you can bet Sausage is soon to follow. Sorry, Mammon! He loooves table scraps and is almost as bad as Beel when it comes to eating things he shouldn’t [and looking too cute to be scolded about it too heavily].

Rocky - ... That’s just a rock, dude. - Gift from Belphegor:

It’s really hard to tell if Belphegor is messing around when he presents Delphine with a rough hewn black rock bearing two googly eyes, a pair of hilariously out of place crystalized horns, and a pair of similarly out of place crystal wings, but I swear on all things unholy, he’s doing it for a reason.

Though not... Really sentient, initially, Rocky just needs a good, possibly year long charging. Soulstones are sort of... Weird, in that they are inert and lifeless for as long as they remain with the boulders from which they are harvested. but typically-- After being exposed to a single party’s magical runoff and signature for a year or so-- absorb enough energy to come to life, their coloration and mineral makeup adjusting to fit the nature of the being they owe their life to. Delphine’s takes the form of a celestine and blue goldstone peryton; A winged stag. With crystalized wings and antlers, Rocky would almost look majestic; If it weren’t for the fact that the googly eyes have remained a feature that she has never been able to figure out how to remove. Soulstones are typically quiet observers, not requiring active care to thrive but delighting in contact [especially immediately post spell casting or magic use]. They are attuned to the needs of their magic bound masters, and typically exude an air of-- if not positive-- reassurance.

In Delphines Little Canon Divergence Corner, it’s likely that rocky coming into her care is one of the first of many attempts at reconciliation that Belphegor makes with her post chapter 16; And it honestly really, really sets him back, like, even when she returns to the human realm. Forgotten but included in her luggage, it’s a few weeks into her settling down on Earth that she finds the dinky little stone, and an overload of magic-- Possibly emotionally sourced, possibly due to unresolved tension/a discussion that never got to happen because he was being a little jerk about it-- sets off the transformation, which occurs overnight.

She recognizes the little stone figure when it approaches her in the morning, and one of her first texts about it is a simple, succinct “WTF” + an image attachment sent to Belphegor, specifically in the dead of night with the intention to wake him.

Henry “Pogchampion” 6.0, 7.0, and 8.0, A.K.A: “Pip! Minette! Beans!” - Infernal rats - Gift from Leviathan:

A note: If you don’t care for rats or you’re more familiar with their popular association with illness or disease/classification as vermin, and are only capable of thinking of them in that context, I don’t care. I am specifically talking about rats in the context of them being pets-- And good pets, at that. If you want to talk about how much you wish they were dead/didn’t exist, thats not my problem. Just don’t do it on a post discussing them as a pet, or I will block you!

Anyway!

Leviathan is probably the most appropriate person for them to get pet recommendations from, but her asking never winds up a necessity; When he finds out that he’s got another pet enthusiast in the house, he’s *all* about it, and when he finally [very unsubtly] weasels his way into the information he needs, he gets them to come along with him to what’s supposed to be a routine supply trip for Henry that just *CAN’T* be accomplished online. It’s a trip to *a* shop, but not what she’s expecting, especially when she gets to meet a handful of very curious, very playful, larger than a medium sized dog mice and rats. These guys are very much pests turned pets, with a small niche of hobbyists raising them and breeding them for temperament and overall health and disease resistance. Very social and very intelligent, they tend to thrive best in groups if one is not devoting all of their time to them as an individual. The type Leviathan recommends are on the smaller side, with cloudy, soft fur and sweet temperaments. And massive teeth, nubby horns, spade tipped tails, and very large, typically bony or leathery wings.

Levi is... Probably the one who wanted them, really. They get a little big, and tend to like to roughhouse, and they chew like nobody’s business-- And while he can’t risk his figures or merch or other Otaku Trappings or wires for everything in his room, he *CAN* risk Delphine’s. Plus, Sausage needs a friend, right? Or three?

They pick up three, all of whom are sisters, and all of whom on paper are named Henry “Pogchamp”, 6.0, 7.0, and 8.0, since he *is* technically the one paying for them and at least gets to do that much. Even when they start being named Pip, Minette, and Beans, in casual conversation, he can still hold on to the fact that they’ll always be Henries in his heart of hearts.

Sausage loves them to bits, for the record, but their interactions tend to be supervised/very brief even without the worry of him being able to harm any of them due to the general (and very appropriate) ill advisement of large predators interacting with smaller prey animals. It’s cute, sure, but it can be dangerous, and Delphine (and Levi, to a lesser extent, because he’s using the excuse of them being friends to keep Lucifer off of his ass for adding another animal to her menagerie) isn’t about to risk it.

Sweets - .... A black cat? That glitters? - Gift from Satan and Asmodeus:

Small, sleek, and independent, Sweets is probably the pet people see the least of all of Delphine’s little collection-- Though that doesn’t mean she’s not well loved. A pet project between Satan and Asmodeus, Sweets isn’t *technically* a cat; They’re a being comprised of shadow, somewhat similar in nature to a familiar without the connotation of them technically being a demon slash demonic. Who just so happens to have been enchanted to appear like and generally function in their day to day life as a cat. That sparkles, the only concession Satan was willing to grant Asmodeus in return for his help obtaining the materials necessary to create  the little beast (and in return for him taking the heat when Lucifer inevitably got pissy about it). Given its unique nature, very little is actually known about the little being of shadow past basic care and assumptions based on its generally feline behavioral patterns. The rats scare the hell out of it, however, and it tends to be out of sight except when called, hiding in shadows and only occasionally emerging on its own.

... Oh, and be careful. Satan hasn’t told Del yet, but it seems that the belly rubs this shadowy kitty offers tend  to bite off more than they can chew if they’re not careful. Asmodeus thinks its horrible. Who wants a pet with a massive maw of teeth in their stomach? Satan desperately wants to use this quirk in Sweets’ nature for a prank. Delphine already knows, but is playing dumb for the sake of faking surprise when its formally revealed.

Elysia - Gilded Crow - Gift from Lucifer and Mammon:

SO, i”M going to keep this short because i’ve been writing this for several hours at this point on and off and i really really want to be ready for my dinner when its ready, but!

Elysia is a sort of... Special circumstance. Literally. Devotees to Mammon-- And yes, there *are* people who think he’s a legitimate demon lord, the only people really allowed to treat him like garbage are his brothers and a few choice officials too strong to be eradicated as any lesser demon might have been-- with a background in magical augmentation specifically enchanted this line of crows to reflect that which is most valued by their Lord; Riches. They’re technically not legal due to their status as something of an organic money generator, but a select few in a small flockare kept under the watchful eyes of the Demon Lord and his immediate family, and those who have been trusted by his family members. This is where Lucifer comes in.

Understandably, Mammon is not allowed to have care of his flock, though he certainly wouldn’t be the worst at caring for them. He’d just also be selling their products illegally, and you can’t have that!

Elysia wears a small enchanted band comprised of dull, unimpressive iron-- The kind of thing Mammon would neither notice nor have interest in. This band is enchanted, and serves as a sort of storage space for any of Ely’s dropped organic components. Talons, feathers, eggs-- Everything is automatically absorbed into the band, rendering the bird borderline useless outside of being a gorgeous pet, and a gigantic nuisance. 

Lucifer hates to admit it, but he really is a fan of the large, intelligent, gorgeous creature; And Mammon thinks it’s really funny to teach her to take shiny things (like grimm, loose jewelry, gum wrappers, etc), even past the sentimental value of the bird itself and what her kind represents to him. 

Delphine adores her, too, and is about as good an influence on her as Mammon is-- Teaching her to speak, in some capacity, simply by repeating certain words or phrases to herself as she does things in the day to day, especially during feeding time. It’s all fun and games, until this pretty golden bird calls Lucifer a ‘motherf*cker’ while she thinks he’s out of the room while visiting with Diavolo for an update on her health.

[puppetsoftomorrow]

okay so ive seen some posts lamenting avas status as 'just saras girlfriend' and thats why they dont like her ... but i think this is a bit simplistic ....

ava's character development cannot be separated from sara, but this is okay!!! think about sara - how much her relationships with other ppl have helped her character develop - rip, helping her becomes a better leader, ray helping her become kinder, laurel helping her be stronger - because our relationships with other people help us grow as people. this is how the world works.

okay now i'm gonna go on a Deep Dive on Ava's growth, be warned lol

so ava's character development can be summarised as: two parts of herself are in conflict - the bureau part, then the part that loves sara, or the 'legends' part. this can be seen thru (what else?) her hair!!

in the beginning, she was all bureau, and we can see that from how she dresses - suit, tight bun. we can also see from how she acts - follows the rules and command structure, and hates the legends because they dont. loyalty to the bureau supersedes any idea of the 'greater good', because in avas mind, the bureau is the greatest good, when for the legends, theyre obvs very different.

as she learns more about the legends she starts to see things 'their' way - first going on the mission to the vikings, then especially when she comes and pulls sara from mallus' realm. "you needed me" - not the bureau sent me, ava does this for sara against the wishes of the bureau. its also no accident avas hair is out of is bun here

from now, ava's rarely in her bun, especially when talking to sara. she's beginning to loosen up, and opens up to the idea of dating her (i mean the sexual tension was there since that first fight, but now its something real) the dress on the date is another sign - not her bureau suit, but something to impress sara. theyre working out how to be themselves, whilst being with eachother (as you do in every relationship!!)

then - sara breaks up with her, and the bun is back. trying out the legends side of herself failed spectacularly, and shes back being what she knows best - bureau employee

then the clone thing happens (arguably the biggest turning point in avas character) and the whole 'bureau' side of herself takes on a whole new meaning. she was literally built for the job - without the bureau, she wouldnt exist, and she now has to question everything about herself? what is 'real'? what is herself and what was 'made'?

when sara kisses her and she turns away, the bun is back. she's resigned herself to her bureau self, because thats what she is.

when the legends are in salvation, we see a new sort of ava - hair down, but straight. a sort of mid point between bureau and legends, because she's not quite either.

when s4 starts we obvs miss a few months of avalance bonding (which i would have loved to see, but i understand it may have been a tad out of place for legends lol), but we see the end result - ava is confident again, confident enough to tell sara she loves her, confident enough to ask her to move in with her. she's beginning to overcome the parts that tell her she's lesser because she's a clone. sara's refusal sets in motion the anxieties we see in the ikea scenes later on - but for now, she's happy and confident.

so we've gone from bureau ava, to ava being in between, back to bureau ava, and now this new ava. the bun is gone, its not coming back - ava can't go back. it was sara's love for her that helped her see herself as this new person, which, may i remind you, does not make her just the love interest. relationships (not just romantic) can help us see ourselves in new ways, and grow into people we never thought we'd be.

then we have the start of 4B, where the balance between bureau and legends comes crashing down when sara and ava have their first real bureau vs legends discussion since being back together. ava is forced to decide between what she thinks is right, what the bureau says and her love for sara. losing the bureau but keeping sara? or losing sara and keeping the bureau?

i know people disagreed with ava's stance on magical creatures (and so do i fyi i dont like torture lol) but knowing it came from a place of fear, at the prospect of not just losing her job, but the very reason for her existence?? ava chooses bureau, and thats understandable.

then the ikea ep, which, omg .... help me ....

this is the ep that shows best how personal growth can come from your relationship with someone. its all about trust and teamwork. ava needs to learn that sara will compromise for her, just as she needs to compromise for sara. she also needs to unlearn the sense of perfection the bureau drilled into her: nothing (inc her relationship) can be perfect, but its theres, and thats good enough.

also: communication. the thing i liked best about trial 3 was that it wasn't 'resolved' - ava wants to settle down, sara doesnt. this is obvs an issue which comes up later with the wild dog phone call

then, the 'as is' bit - i'm guessing ava also ran through that hallway of avas, or at least, they're the part of her subconcious she's most afraid of - what is 'her', and what about her was built? is she just a character? would sara love her better if she was kinder, or sexier, or more action hero?

she's just 'as is' - not perfect. not a perfect bureau employee, not a perfect girlfriend.

then, when sara says she loves her again, ava learns, this is okay. sara loves her for who she is, and she can be that.

i'm not saying people need romantic love to develop, just that love and support helps you grow, and for ava, that love and support primarily comes from sara.

now, finally, we have s5. ava has left the bureau, and this obvs causes some issues - we've never seen ava drunk before, and she gets so drunk she sings awfully in a crowded bar. she's had the bureau part ripped away from her - what is she without her responsibilities, her team, her work? i think this season is gonna be about ava learning that the parts of herself she loved at the bureau - leadership, control, missions - she can still do with the legends, but also learning to adapt. just like behrad said - shes a foxy hedgehog!! a bit of planning, a whole lot of improvisation!!

now imagine that foxy hedgehog ava, living on the waverider, planning to spend the rest of her life with sara, meeting the ava we first meet, and then tell me she hasnt had any character development.

and yes, lots of these changes are related to sara, but like, she's envisioning them being together forever. sara is the most important person in her life, obvs any changes are gonna be linked to her.

i personally love the storyline of two strong, independent yet flawed women learning to love eachother and grow together!!!

if anyone made it this far then congrats lol. inbox always open for discussion / clarification!!! 

[just-zenitsu]

Zenitsu should've had an arc where he slowly learns how to love himself with the help of his friends and realizes he's not weak and has worth and doesn't deserve pain and doesn't deserve to be treated like shit- I just want him to have some shred of confidence please please please please please ple-

ok so every time i had an ask like this ive always just said ‘but look at the bright side! what are hc and aus for! gotoge had problems,, etc etc’ and i feel like ive always just glossed u guys over and maybe even made it seem like these opinions dont matter so im gonna take the time to try and answer this a smidge seriously (under read more bc its long, also im not tagging bc tumblr might fuck up the formatting again rip) (also warning for manga spoilers)

(also disclaimer sdjfhksd i havent read the manga! so im gonna go off of other people’s claims about zenitsu having wasted potential. and to be fair ive read the few last chapters, or at least PARTS of them) 

im not new to having a favorite character whose more or less claimed to have had a lot of potential but losing it in canon bc of, for a lack of a more general term, ‘’bad writing’’. and im not saying kny has bad writing, i dont think im one to judge that JUST yet but for comparison yall should know that i have a fav character in another series that is written so badly that he has the personality of cardboard and was only given life thanks to fanon content. and i dont blame people when they say they dont like said character! its the same as zenitsu, only that this guy, this yellow idiot, actually has a much more solid grasp on how he acts/feels/does things! but more often than not, this linear perspective does damage to how deep his character actually goes, thus just making him the stereotypical ‘pervert’ in an anime. ive seen people say that he’s just the same as mineta!!! which is just. very sad for me

i understand why they’d think like that though, maybe there wouldve been a difference if kny became more popular b4 bnha, but who knows! anyways, back to zenitsu. now, i understand if people ever found his actions uncomfortable or annoying! but when people say that he’s just a crybaby and that he’s literally just dead weight that’s when i get,,, well, iffy. and this is kinda where the frustration comes, we see zenitsu overcoming these obstacles off screen, apparently it was even only just mentioned in a passing comment that zenitsu had stopped having to fall asleep to do missions and cried less when he was going on solo missions. these are the tidbits that i wish was shown more explicitly in canon, showcasing his growth and such. MAYBE it was touched upon once kaigaku came up, but thats another problem, literally kaigaku only showed up once in a flashback and then suddenly he’s a demon? sure a brief flashback that showed him being in gyomei’s orphanage wouldve been enough to put some light, but i think there was still some things that wasnt touched upon when we discuss how kaigaku was portrayed in canon. i think he’s even MORE misunderstood compared to zenitsu. they have (arguably) been in the same situation in their childhood, have drastically different personalities and dealt with it in their own way, but in the end i think he was just used so that zenitsu had a big bad he had to defeat. i think there wouldve been more impact if we were shown thunder fam interacting more, imagine how cool that wouldve been, ESPECIALLY if kaigaku just wasnt thrown into the manga and was given a chance to interact with kamaboko before hand. just, a lot to think about.

and now we have what happened in the last few chapters, w tanjirou becoming a demon and after all that zenitsu just says something along the lines of ‘ill make u pay for hurting me and my future wife (nezuko)’ which sucks to a degree. but count the fact that gotoge was inching towards zennezu, as i mentioned in a previous post, he was worried about nezuko getting hurt by tanjirou. im also a bit disappointed that he didnt really do much in terms of, well, caring for tanjirou, but one GOOD thing that i really liked happening was in the previous chapters bEFORE tan got turned to a demon, the part w him assuring inosuke that he can still hear tanjirou’s heartbeat, and then consecutively screaming at tanjirou that he had to stay alive, he went as far to say that he hears nezuko’s human heartbeat and that he has a family to return to, which was, surprise surprise, apparently somewhat a LIE! i cant confirm this unfortunately since ive long since lost the explanation but someone said that zenitsu wasnt actually able to hear nezuko’s heartbeat then, meaning he lied for tanjirou’s sake bc he knew that if he’d pull through something, he’d pull through it for nezuko. (there’s also that part where zenitsu fought hard to keep this family alive since well, he doesnt have one to return to, which is just. ouch) another thing i liked about this part is that he wasnt!!! crying!!!, but both inosuke and tanjirou were and dont u just love the irony. dont u just love it when zenitsu, resident crybaby of the demon slayer corps, is the one who shouts at the both of his friends, who are usually the ones pushing him, yelling at him to stop sniveling and fight, to raise their chins up and to not give up? i think these few moments are JUST ABSOLUTELY TASTY. 

but. unfortunately, they are glossed over once we have what happened in chapter 203.

tl/dr; zenitsu’s character is something much more than a crybaby who’s a pervert and annoying. these points overshadow the fact that he’s a kind person, who was willing to protect nezuko despite knowing she was a demon just BECAUSE he trusted tanjirou that much and that he had a kind sound! he’s willingly THROWN HANDS when someone talked bad about kaigaku, a person he ADMITTED HE HATES, because he respects them as a person! zenitsu is much more than a crybaby who’s a pervert and annoying. if only canon were able to explain much more clearly than these few tidbits that we were given.

//im crying at the club im so sorry this is so long oh god oh fuck. anyways ive been disappointed time and time again and ive long since really stopped looking forward to the best to my fav characters and ive been p negative in previous fandoms so its why i avoided complaining like this in this blog but yeah kjfhkjsdf thank u for reading,,, 

[yikesola]

hi, would it be okay if i vent to you? so i started quarantine being pretty okay and keeping in touch with ppl and there was one girl i was texting every day just like stupid stuff but it was good, and ive known her for like three years and in jan she told me she liked me and though i dont feel the same i tried to be chill and just continue as normal but then last month she said she couldn’t do it anymore and we haven’t spoken since and now i just feel really alone and sad a lot of the time :(

hi honey bee, i’m really sorry you’re having a hard time right now, especially as pandemic is making everything feel heightened in terms of isolation and need for interpersonal connection. i’ve been on both sides of this problem before— the person who had unrequited feelings, and the person who doesn’t feel the same way as a friend with romantic interests— and it isn’t an easy thing. i will say i admire you wanting to be clear about your own feelings and attempting normalcy in the friendship, and i also respect your friend for knowing she needed to step back. three years is a long time to be friends, and i do think it is a relationship you two could salvage with time and understanding. like maybe a month isn’t quite long enough for her to have the distance she needs, maybe going cold turkey is too hard on both of you. idk if you’re still having some conversation? i would suggest casual check-ins bc you do still care about each other. just to make sure everything’s alright. i’m going to give you a quote that has been living rent free in my mind from john green when asked during a liveshow of “dear hank and john” from a girl who had been broken up with recently bc her gf didn’t feel the spark. sure, you’re arguably on the other end of this question, but i do just find it widely comforting:

“I don't know a lot about the spark. I mean, you just have to--you have to trust someone when they say that and it's hard to hear but you have to let them have their life, you know? And you have to let them have their feelings. It's not a reflection on you, although I'm sure that right now it feels like it is, but it does not mean that you're not worthy of love or that you're not a good person. Like, I don't think that human beings deserve much of what they get, good or bad, but I definitely think that we deserve to love and to be loved and you are loved and you will be loved in your life and this is a moment when you feel probably distant from that but it's still really deeply true, like, you're a valuable person and you're loved and you will continue to be loved in your life and I hope that's some comfort, but you can't, yeah, you can't make other people feel stuff, as much as you maybe want to.”

you’re both experiencing your feelings, and there might be a perfectly human part of your brain or her brain that is thinking “ughhh why can’t they just feel This way??” — but it’s not in your best interest or her best interest to be able to make those calls. your feelings simply have to exist as they are, until they change in the way they do with time and perspective.

there is friendship and connection and understanding out there for you anon. you may feel supremely lonely right now and it is perfectly understandable, the world is very isolating rn, but it’s true— even if you and this friend don’t actually end up reconnecting on a mutually comfortable level, even if it’s someone else already in your life or someone soon to enter it, there is love for you in all the wide varieties humans are able to love. feel free to come vent any time if you’re lonely, try to make internet friends even tho it’s scary, have zoom nights with the people you usually would see but cannot safely see at this time. it’s hard to feel so alone, i recognize that. i’m wishing you all the comfort✨💞

[ty-talks-comics]

Best of DC: Week of February 12th, 2020

Best of this Week: Pennyworth R.I.P. One-Shot - James Tynion IV and Various Artists and Colorists

Some people think Dick Grayson is the glue that holds the Batfamily together, some say that it's really Tim Drake, but we all know that it has always been Alfred.

Alfred has been by Bruce's side since the day that Thomas and Martha Wayne were killed in Crime Alley. Alfred raised the boy from a young age and watched as he became a hero that Gotham City could truly be proud of. Alfred even got to see Bruce raise many kids of his own over the years and sas there to pick up the slack when Bruce was too injured, angry or didn't know how to talk to them. Alfred was patient. Alfred was loving. Alfred was amazing and will be sorely missed.

Alfred met his tragic end during the recent City of Bane arc and even after that wrapped up, it still took time for the rest of the family to get together and mourn his passing. Bruce has been trying to cope with it all by throwing himself into his Gotham Renovation Project and various superheroics. Barbara’s been dealing with her own issues in the form of a rogue Oracle. Damian has the Titans, Jason is on the outs with the family and Dick (Ric) doesn’t even really remember Alfred.

In the end, Bane managed to do what he set out to accomplish in the first place: He Broke the Bat.

Not only did he break Batman, he broke the entire family as a whole as shown from the very first shot of this book. Eddy Barrows presents us with a pulled out shot, showing a statue of Alfred in the middle of the new Alfred J. Pennyworth Children’s Hospital - a momentous honor meant to save kids just like Bruce. However, this scene also symbolizes the distance between all of the family. Tynion IV does a great job of scripting their inner thoughts as told by an unseen narrator.

Damian, being the one who was there, feels the weight of his disobedience and sees things as his fault. Tim hearkens back to the time after Jason died and fears for Bruce, knowing the darkness inside of him. Jason was told to NOT come, but Alfred had always treated him right and Barbara feels like she knows how to fix things, but who’s to say that she’s in the right mind to do so either? And Ric… well, Ric doesn’t know why he’s there, but he feels obligated.

Barrows does an amazing job of showing the pain through their forlorn expressions and lowered heads. I assume that Adriano Lucas was the one who colored these scenes because they make excellent use of cold blues to emphasize the sadness of the Family. Barrows also does something that a few artists struggle with in distinguishing each of the boys from each other. They each have distinct hairstyles and facial structures and it’s a nice touch for such a tragic event. Soon after, Tim finds a little dive bar for them to meet in and they each bicker a bit before Bruce arrives for toasts and memories.

This book also does an excellent job of showcasing personal moments that we never see between the kids and Alfred. Beginning with Damian, Chris Burnham draws a flashback to one of the first times that Alfred bails Damian out after he disobeys Batman about going out on patrols. Tynion IV and Burnham capture Damian’s early petulance through his childish pouting superiority complex. We see that Damian loved Alfred because he was willing to be patient with the young boy and Bruce was just getting used to having a trained assassin as a son. 

Damian is still widely considered the worst Robin, but that idea has long passed its expiration date as the young lad has grown significantly over the years. In the beginning he could have killed anyone and not felt a lick of remorse for it, but over time, thanks to the softening of Bruce and Alfred, the boy has learned to care and take responsibility for things that weren’t even his fault. He tears up thinking that the rest of the family blamed him for Alfred’s death and regrets that he didn’t do more to stop Bane before leaving the bar. 

Tim speaks next and Marcio Takara takes over art for Tim’s flashback. The third Robin is still arguably the smartest, but during a hectic fight with Firefly, he leaves some of his gear and Alfred bails him out by sneaking into the GCPD to retrieve the items. It’s very action packed and does well to show that sometimes Tim loses his cool too, but after the recollection, Tim says that he would step in for Alfred if Batman ASKS him to do so. When Bruce refuses, Tim makes a point that this is exactly like how Bruce was after Jason, but this time he has to pull himself through like an adult before he too leaves.

Tim is usually the Robin that’s touted as being the one who saved Batman during his most destructive period. He’s always been the level headed one, but in recent years he’s been put through the ringer. From being kidnapped by an unseen entity and thought dead for almost a year (Detective Comics, 2017), to fighting an alt-future, villainous version of himself (Detective Comics, 2018) and finally reuniting with his Young Justice friends and dealing with the chaos of that (Young Justice, 2019). Tim is tired and even more so of the darkness that shrouds Bruce and the Family.

Jaybird raises his glass to Alfred next and offers a counter to Tim. He says that maybe Batman would have worked out his issues after Jason’s death if a new kid didn’t swing in and just try to relieve him of the pain. Jason has always been the most extreme of the family, but he’s never been above asking Alfred for help. As a street urchin, Jason doesn’t trust most people, but despite this Alfred always thought to check up on Bruce’s second son and tried to bring him back to the side of the angels. Jason never bit, but he appreciated the effort.

He tells Barbara that he won’t chastise Bruce for how he feels because they’re all in that same spot right now, but he does want Bruce to work towards fixing it. Jason knows better than the rest of them what it feels like to have lost (Heroes in Crisis, 2018), but he also knows what it’s like to be there on the fringes with no one there to help.

Batgirl is often lost in the conversations that usually revolve around the boys, but she shouldn’t be. Barbara’s intellect exceeds that of Tim by a wide margin, but that intelligence also comes with an intuitiveness given to her by her father, James Gordon, as they live in the heart of Gotham. Barbara makes the most logical statement about the general fear swelling in Gotham after Bane’s rise and defeat and the lack of trust in Bat themed heroes given everything that The Batman Who Laughs has done. Bruce’s reconstruction project isn’t helping either as it’s just another shiny coat of paint over a city whose problems run down to its roots.

Babs may not have grown up in the mansion like the boys, but Alfred cared for her just the same, effectively being Batman’s first daughter...niece maybe the better description? David Lafuente does the art for her flashback and it’s a more cutesy style with thick defining lines and lots of faraway shots as we see Alfred and Barbara hiking up a mountain just outside of Gotham City. The actions of Killing Joke absolutely still happened and to celebrate the anniversary of Barbara leaving spine rehab, Alfred wanted to celebrate with a hike and a cupcake.Barbara says that they need Bruce to come back and be the person that they all need him to be before she leaves as well. 

Finally, we hear from Ric Grayson. The former Dick Grayson was another victim of Bane’s vendetta, getting shot in the head by the KGBeast in an attempt to further hurt Batman. Aside from his Flying Grayson memories and a few scant ones with Alfred and Bruce, he doesn’t remember his life as Nightwing, with the Titans or the rest of the Batfamily and that probably makes this book harder to swallow. Dick has always been the elder brother to each of them and truly is Batman’s voice of reason after Alfred, but Dick is gone. 

So Ric, knowing he needs to step up and say something to get Bruce to help himself, asks him to tell whatever story Dick Grayson might have if he were still around. Bruce then speaks up about a time where Dick found out that Alfred had been leaving flowers at the sight of the Waynes murder to celebrate the anniversary of their marriage where Bruce had been leaving flowers on the anniversary of their deaths. Dick tells Bruce that Alfred always wanted to tell him that their deaths had saved countless lives and even the world at times.

It’s grim and kinda dark, but in the grand scheme of things, Ric is right. Batman has given everything he can to the world under his mission of Justice and that never would have happened if the Waynes survived, just look at Batman: The Gift (Batman #45 - #47, 2018). In that timeline, the Waynes did survive and it was a nightmare world where crime was rampant, Dick was crazed Batman like Flashpoint Thomas Wayne and everything was just wrong. Ric may not have known all of tht, but he did know that Alfred was right and that Bruce needed to be strong for him.

Before Ric leaves, he hangs a picture on the bar wall while Tynion IV and Barrows convey the emotional impact of Ric’s act through four panels without dialogue. Bruce looks at the picture and not only can readers feel the tears swelling up in the corners of their eyes, but we almost feel as if Bruce is as well as he stars upon a picture of the core Batfamily with Alfred as the focus between them.

I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready to deal with a Batman future without Alfred. He’s always been such a faithful companion and foil to our dour hero and his passing has only made Batman that much darker. The cynic in me knows that DC Won’t keep him dead forever, especially with an incoming Crisis that may undo everything from the last four years of storytelling, but at the same time it might not. I think the idea to kill Alfred was a good one to create awesome moments like it did in this book, but who will take his place?

Could this really be Tim’s time to step away from the masks and go behind the scenes like Oracle did? Could Alfred’s daughter, Julia, see a return since she hasn’t been seen since I think All Star Batman in 2016? Will Lucius Fox actually stay in the position as he’s there now in Detective Comics? Who knows?

All that matters is the life of Alfred and the mark he left on our favorite characters.

Also, support me on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/TyTalksComics

[razieltwelve]

What was Lumina’s reaction to Lightning’s injury in the Vestige AU where she exists? It’s not the same as Serah, who was there fighting by their sister’s side and who undoubtedly blames herself for what happened to Lightning, but even still...

She feels guilty because she feels it should have been her in the Conn-Pod with Serah since they’re twins. However, Lightning forbade her from becoming a pilot. She basically said that if Lumina ever tried to get in a Conn-Pod, then she would hobble her way back into Odin to pilot again because there was no way she was ever going to let Lumina find herself in the same situation she had been in. Serah basically agreed.

By that point, as well, Lumina had proven to be very, very good at the research and development side of the Eidolon Program. She arguably did more good as part of that than she ever would have as a pilot. Her work on the Drift system was pivotal to the development of the Mark IVs and Vs, which use a different system from Odin (and hence, they don’t have the proverbial ghosts in the machines that Odin does). For that reason, the marshals decided that Lumina wasn’t allowed in a Conn-Pod either because losing her would be devastating to research and development.

So Lumina did the only thing she could. She threw herself into her research even more. She didn’t ever want there to be a repeat of what happened to Lightning, which is why the newer Drift Systems she helped design have far more failsafes and are more likely to disengage rather than melt people’s brains although there are emergency overrides in case people have no choice but to solo pilot.

That’s one of the reasons Lightning brings Lumina to Eden City. She needs someone to keep Vanille in line, and Vanille is only likely to listen to someone she consider either extremely scary (e.g., Lightning) or an intellectual peer (e.g., Lumina). 

One of the things that Lightning has used her power as a marshal to keep from Lumina is that theoretically, Lumina’s Drift score with Serah is higher than Lightning’s, but both Lightning and Serah made a promise to keep Lumina from getting into a Conn-Pod since they knew it was almost certainly a death sentence. 

For reference, Drift compatibility scores are rated from 0-100. 100 would indicate perfect synchronisation. Any score above 80 is considered excellent, and scores above 85 are considered miraculous. A score above 55 is required to pilot, with most pilots falling in the range of 60-70. Lightning and Serah had a score of 90. Lumina and Serah’s score was 92. Fang and Serah have a score of 82. Lightning and Fang’s score would have been 92, but they never had a chance to test together.

[vicky-shitposts]

my mind makes noises

20th Feb 2021,

last night i had a weird dream. im a big fan of Primeval and since i was young, Abby and Connor have been one of my top OTPs. late last year i binged the whole series, start to finish. in my dream last night i can remember being chased across the green of a park, by some tough guys i think?? i distinctly remember checking my phone and i had done 11,000 steps. then Abby pulls up in her car and i hop in, and we speed away to safety down a highway. we stop off at a gas station for some snacks, then catch up with Connor at an office block. it's dark out, and we're being chased around. crawling through air vents and looking round corners. something must have come through an anomaly, or we'd upset the guy in charge. i remember a man in a suit too.

i actually found the energy to get washed and dressed when i woke up. but when i did wake up, i didn't feel so good. physically fine but mentally not. i feel down, sad and terrible but for no apparent reason. i hate it when this happens, and it happens too often. im sat wearing the Pale Waves tshirt dad got me for my 18th, listening to their All The Things I Never Said EP. dad loved Pale Waves and we even went to see them together. i think that was the day that his illness really sunk in for me, and was the last day we really went out and spent together before he had a rapid decline. for the longest time it was so painful listening to them, because it just reminded me of better and happier times. i didn't want to listen to their new album because i was scared i would break down crying. but now Who Am I? has charted in the top 3, which is incredible for only their second album. im so proud of them and i know that dad would be too. i think after this EP, im going to listen to their first album while i do some more reading. i feel like i owe it to my dad and is the least i can do. maybe i feel so sad because i miss him so much: "i swear that i'll never stop loving you, and i'll die by your side if you want me to" <3

i can see why a Pale Waves stan i know of loves Drive so much. i wish i could load myself into a car and drive off into the night, company by my side, either shouting along to music or in dead-but-comfortable silence. the last song kind of got me and just added to the aura im feeling. "i wonder what it's like to die", me too. a wonder on my mind constantly since i was 11, ran through my hands twice. Adam Ant said that Kurt Cobain was brave for killing himself, a sentiment i think about often; Clara saying "let me be brave" suddenly has an entirely new meaning. i think today is Kurt's birthday too, so happy birthday man. i hope you're having a party up there with everyone i love. my album listening session was heavily interrupted when i was asked what i wanted from the shops, as mum's bf was going to get stuff. can a girl never find peace?? apparently not in reality or mentally.

something just happened to me. there i was making my lunch, watching the first episode of Ealing Comedies - a series REG did on films he loves - and the intro of episode one is running. he's telling us what's going on, and has some clips from all three episodes. and out of nowhere, i see REG sat next to Peter Capaldi. Peter is one of my heroes and favourite people ever, his Doctor has taught me so much and is my blueprint. every time i see him i cry. but not this time. instead i let out the most high pitched squeal, collapsed to my knees and started shaking, looking at the tv with so much awe and love. before me were arguably my two favourite men sat together and i didn't anticipate or expect it. it took me by such shock and is all im going to think about for the rest of today. i also had an idea for a Withnail And I-esque film, of two people bunking together but not by choice. one is straight and every archetype of a cis, straight person, constantly giving passing comments of abuse to their flatmate who's as gay, queer, non confirming as they come. both want different things in life and are two opposite ends of the same spectrum. only to discover the "anti gay" was actually gay this whole time, and was deathly scared of themselves and their truth. i also have a bag of cashews to devour now, so some faith has been restored to my world. but not much, mind you.

left my house at 4.11 pm for a walk, didn't get back until about 5.30 pm. it was incredible. as i walked to Sturmer traversing squelchy mud, Hyperspace - Beck was playing in my ears. it's one of my favourite and one of the most important albums to me, i only listen to it on special occasions. felt a little sad listening to it and it reminded me of better times with G/R/E but that's okay. i really do miss them. i sat on a log for 15 minutes and let the album finish; then i sprung into action, found a big stick to use as a walking stick, and walked home through sturmer listening to the Withnail And I soundtrack. there was something so beautiful and liberating about listening to it while walking through a village, all by myself, sun setting behind me. i felt genuinely happy. i felt like i was in the film, at Crow Crag myself, walking in their footsteps. luckily there was no randy bull or chicken to kill for supper. just beautiful music that adorned a huge smile over my heart.

today has been a day of firsts for me, as it's also been the first day ive almost cried while taking the wrapper off a dvd. i just got done watching Logan, and i don't normally care about marvel, but i was actually invested in and really enjoyed it. but before anyone had uttered a word i was almost in tears, because i felt guilty unwrapping it. my dad got it and i presume he wanted to see it at some point. sadly he never got the chance. i only wanted to watch it purely because REG was in it, and i really wish he could have sat and watched it with me. i was also back to hugging my pillow for emotional support too. but the thing that stung the most was (spoiler) that Logan found his daughter, and his daughter watch him die. i may not have been my dad's daughter, but i know what it's like to experience that. i've really been missing him a lot today.