#theyre a part of a bigger system

[tiodolma]

My take on this is that merlin betrayed arthur’s kingship or rule of law/governance. By not revealing to Arthur the truth about how magic existed in his kingdom (from merlin himself, to morgana’s struggles, to gaius’s suffering, to the circumstances of Arthur’s own birth) he denied Arthur the potential to be the “King of Everybody including Magic” that he was supposed to become.

I think beyond personal loyalty or whatever... Merlin crippled the kingdom and helped plunged it into war because of his and Gaius reluctance to give up the most needed information: that somebody magical was protecting Camelot from the inside using magic.

This would have been so useful against people who wanted to invade or magical sisters that were keen to exercise their legitimate claim to the throne. It would have been a key to peace. Arthur not having access to that trump card crippled him as a monarch/political figure.

Arthur was negotiating under a false sense of security, that Camelot could still be safe even without magic (which was very much untrue.) Without that information, Arthur failed diplomatically in all aspects regarding magic. And that’s a shame because he had been trained since birth to be a diplomatic and peaceloving king in the first place.

Then imo Merlin was a key component of why Golden Age refused to happen, despite him working desperately and blindly towards it.

Another thing

Arthur and Uther administrations still had a justice system. They still put criminals on trial even for treason. These criminals were still allowed to speak and plead their case in public, even under Uther. Merlin denied Arthur this executive power every time he and Gaius decided to be the judge and executioner themselves.

That I think is a more serious betrayal. Merlin and Gaius deserved to be punished for that. No matter how “morally correct” (in their heads) their extremist acts of killing treasonous threats for the sake of the crown were, if the end result still made the seat of government weaker and more dumb then it’s just a violent display of power and unecessary subjugation. It’s a kind of destabilization in its own right.

Vigilanteism makes a joke of a government’s justice systems. Merlin’s acts, if they had been revealed fully, showed a Might Makes Right philosophy that proves to a lot of people that Arthur’s power, role and brand of justice eventually meant to nothing loyalists like Merlin in the long run.

Then can you call Merlin a true loyal supporter? If Merlin was a true friend and truly loyal to Arthur, then he would not have allowed the lies and moral degradation and dehumanization to his own character go too far and too long.

Merlin was beyond loyalty. He was a Fanatic.

And i think to Arthur a fanatic like Merlin would either be the most dangerous threat to his kingdom (coz he has proven that he didnt care for the justice system) or the best weapon he can have against anyone who opposes the government (coz he didnt care for the justice system).

Either way, Merlin was a loose cannon. If he snaps then even Arthur and everyone he loved could still be in danger.

I believe that Merlin owed Arthur and Morgana his secret (and if not, then enjoy the end that we got, it's the consequence), but at the same time I do not think that it was betrayal of Arthur at the end. It was a fatal mistake, a failure, a tragedy, cowardice, but:

Betrayal — the act of not being loyal when other people believe you are loyal

If just being magical is disloyalty for Arthur, then it's bad news for Camelot. Being a magician, Merlin's true nature is not a deception and not a betrayal. It's his personality. Arthur there is not entitled to Merlin's very being. Or the disloyalty is hiding the truth for 10 years? Then I perhaps agree 😗

[arolesbianism]

I've been playing oni all day again and I'm rotating various dupe hcs in my mind... Might take a stab at designing some random dupes later to fuck around and wait nvm it's past midnight god damnit

[breezybangtanbebe]

3D: JJK💋 Part 3

A/N: Jungkook is in a closed triad with Janelle, the bubbly brown skinned bookworm with alluring eyes and luscious hips, and Katya , the semi alt bartending vixen with copper toned curls and a silver tongue.

Tags: Jungkook AMBW fic with original characters. Sex, raw and protected. Masturbation. Oral (female and male receiving) Threesome. PMS pampering .Some girl on girl, fluff and mild plot because theyre lovers after all 😌

8.6k words

After stewing in the tub until the water was cold and her fingers were wrinkled, Janelle emerged from the bathroom on heavy feet and trudged to her room wrapped in a big fluffy towel.

Times like this, she was grateful to have her room and the privacy to PMS in peace. To sleep naked and air dry without any disturbances.

It wasn't much, four walls packed from corner to corner with most of her belongings. A lot of which Jungkook begrudgingly helped her bring up the stairs to their 5-floor unit when the elevator was too crowded.

Since Kat joined them, upgrading from their one-bedroom to a three-bedroom didn't seem like the best option economically at first thought.

Jungkook was a freelance tattoo artist, occasionally working security with Taehyung to make ends meet.

Janelle was a student between majors, part-time in a department store when she wasn't studying. To save on tuition, Jungkook moved her in and the two lived happily together once he allowed her to organize and give the space some livability and style.

Things were still tight but they were happy.

And then Kat entered the chat.

She had an apartment that was a train ride away, with a roommate that seemed pleasant upon first impression. But something about her inconsiderate company, the way she left dirty dishes in the sink for days that she only cleaned when said company was over, and the consistent ring left around the bathtub when she was done bathing that Kat just couldn't tolerate any longer.

So when things started between the three of them, she spent the majority of her days and nights with them. Mostly with Janelle since Jungkook would be working late at times.

Janelle and Jungkook had a system that Kat appreciated. Both of them cooked and cleaned, and their apartment always smelled good, a mix of marijuana and incense that she found comforting. For a while, Kat's stuff started accumulating in their storage.

Her clothes.

Her shoes.

Her makeup.

After some months of hopping between hers and theirs, it just made sense for her to live with them permanently.

She surprisingly made a lot from bartending, and could easily cover her part of the rent split three ways if they upgraded. So after a few months of looking and waiting, they found a bigger apartment in the same complex.

Sleeping arrangements were fluid, Janelle usually being the one to float between snuggling under Jungkook's big hard body or big spooning in Kat's bed because she knew Kat liked being cuddled as much as she did.

Even when she acted like she didn't.

And then there were those nights when the three of them piled up on the couches with Janelle sandwiched between her partners, letting the TV watch them until someone started snoring.

Usually Jungkook.

It was a happy little life they shared.

But as stated before, Janelle was still grateful for her bed in times like this. When the silence in her room could allow her mind to drift past her discomfort, her body sank deeper into her Downy-scented sheets and blankets.

Flashbacks of several hours ago replayed in her dreams, the detailed recall of Jungkook's scowl of focus trained on the arch in Kat's back rolling in a hazy slow motion.

The sweat dripped down his chest and over his abs.

The dents of his tight grip on Kat's waist.

The ripples of her backside bounced back and forth on her boyfriend's length as she released a moan of release.

The sound of his name in her voice and rumble of curses in his.

All so erotic and enchanting.

And arousing.

Janelle stands in witness of it all, this time not aggravated by the heat or the ache in her womb. But in awe of them.

In envy of them.

The look in both of their eyes when they noticed Janelle watching them was as lust drunk as they were, and Janelle smirked before she fully entered the room.

Shutting the door behind her...

It wasn't until she heard a random alarm on her phone going off that she realized she'd fallen asleep. Sweat coated her skin in a dewy sheen when she came to, reminding her that she hadn't put anything on after her bath.

Gone was the lustful haze clouding her vision, and back was the canopy of fairy lights warmly illuminating her bedroom. The scent of sex is replaced by her candle warmer and the gruff sounds of Jungkook's and Kat's moans are replaced by her panted breaths.

But one thing that did remain, however, was the slickness gathering between her thighs.

A slickness that in her slumber, her fingers explored and submerged themselves in between her lips.

Janelle's brain takes a few seconds to register what is happening, and she abruptly pulls her hand up from her sex to inspect her hand. She sighs in relief to find her index and middle fingers coated in a clear sheen of arousal before tucking her hand back between her legs.

She sighs again, staring at the ceiling before looking towards the door.

There wasn't much noise in the apartment from what she could hear, so she didn't quite know whether she was alone or not. From their conversation earlier, Janelle still half expected Kat and Jungkook to either be gone or getting ready to go to the show.

A hint of sadness washed over her at the thought despite her encouraging it, but it quickly stowed at the unsubtle reminder of her dream.

Spreading her legs wider beneath the covers, Janelle's brow crinkled as she pressed her slippery fingertips against her clit, rubbing over one side of it slowly until she shivered.

Coasting over her bud, her core tightened like a coil and relaxed with a shuddered sigh at how sensitive she was. Over and over her fingers teased until she felt herself on the brink, and she summoned the memory of Jungkook stuffed deeply inside of Kat to push her over the edge.

Janelle lets out a strained moan and her back arches off the bed, her two fingers going still over her clit to allow the full force of her orgasm to take hold of her.

Her walls pulsed needily, thickening the layer of nectar pooling from her entrance as she finally relaxed.

But as she rubbed over herself soothingly, Janelle realized quickly that she needed more.

It wasn't odd for her to be this insatiable at the height of fertility. Everything was sensitive. Her emotions. Her senses. Her body.

Horniness typically came with the pain of the syndrome and Jungkook, being the doting kind of boyfriend he was, figured out rather quickly how to handle his girl during this time of the month.

Speaking of.

"Baby? You awake?"

His muffled voice full of concern through her door was preceded by a couple of light taps against it with his knuckle. Janelle's eyes widen a little, blinking away the tears from her intense release before clearing her throat.

"Y...Yeah. Come in..." she rasps, pulling the blanket up to cover her nudity as if Jungkook hadn't seen her naked a billion times already.

The hinges squeak and he lingers in her doorway after opening it, tilting his head with an empathetic pout on his lips.

"Are you alive?" he smirks, lifting a brow.

Janelle responded to him with a weak smile and nod, giving his height a full upward appraisal as he stepped into her room and towards her bed.

He's dressed in a faded black graphic tee that hugged his biceps at the sleeves, similar to the way his ripped jeans clung to his quads. The single silver chain at his neck dangled as he leaned down to press his lips against Janelle's forehead, squatting beside her bed right after.

"Well, you look pitiful.." he chuckles, brushing stray hairs from her face. His touch did more to her than it usually did, on top of his scent and the warmth of his proximity, and Janelle found herself whimpering softly when he pulled his hand away.

"I feel pitiful. And you smell really good...Getting ready for the show?" her sad eyes lift to lock with his and Jungkook gazes down at her as if she were the most precious being to ever exist.

Biting his lip ring, he shakes his head.

"Naw. No show tonight. Tae already sold the tickets."

Janelle furrows her brow.

"What? Why?" she asks. His eyes go back to all the stubborn flyaways framing Janelle's face, most of them reverting to their natural state from her sweat and steamy bath earlier. He smooths them under his hand affectionately with a nonchalant shrug.

"Because I told him he could. There will be other shows to catch when all three of us can go. Otherwise, what would be the point? And don't even try to argue. Kat agrees. She wasn't trying to leave you here either.." he smirks at the combative look forming on her face. It fades immediately at the definitiveness of his response, and her bottom lip pokes out sourly.

"I told y'all it was ok though. You didn't have to do that. Now I feel bad..." she whines. Jungkook sighs before leaning back in to peck her trembling lips a few times to shut her up. He stills his kiss to run the tip of his nose over hers.

"Hush," he affirms with his lips still close enough for her to feel his smile.

"Now why the hell would I choose spending my night with a bunch of drunk ass metal heads in a dark smokey ass room too small for the people in it, when I could be here with you? Hmm?"

He punctuates the question with another peck against her lips, humming softly before putting just enough space between them to see her face fully.

"Plus Kat's a pain in the ass when she's drunk and there's no way in hell I was gonna deal with that shit alone. So boom. You're stuck with us."

Janelle giggles at the truth in his statement. For someone who worked at a bar and dealt out hundreds of shots a night, Kat was the LAST person you wanted to fool with when she was drunk.

A story for another time.

"You're right. Silly me.." Janelle wrinkles her nose, only adding to the cuteness Jungkook admired quietly. He leans up after a beat, seating himself on the edge of the bed and facing her. He thoughtlessly rested his hand on the curve of her hips cloaked by her blanket as he sighed.

"No shit. Anyway...I came in here to let you know that I was about to hit up 7-Eleven. Anything special you want or need?" He tilts his head with interest, his large hand stroking over the fuzz draping her curves.

Janelle thought about it for a few seconds, a plethora of things coming to mind that she was sure to want from her favorite convenience stop. But with the taste of her man still fresh on her lips and the memory of his shallow breathing warming them, her thoughts were clouded.

More like a debilitating fog in Jungkook's case. His face, his voice, his smell, his taste, and his touch were all-consuming.

Even now, his fingers spread over the roundness of her ass and come suspiciously close to the slit leading straight to her sex, a part of her that would be screaming his name if it could speak.

No, there was no way she could think of anything she wanted beyond him right now.

She pondered silently as her thoughts jumbled, all while Jungkook watched her warily with mild concern and amusement.

"Is it that hard of a question?" He chuckles and Janelle joins him in a bashful giggle of her own.

"No." She shakes her head.

"I just can't think of anything when I want so many things right now.." she looks away shyly. She reaches

Jungkook inches closer to the bed, dragging his teeth over his bottom lip as he hooded his gaze on her.

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Kisses? Please?.." Janelle whispers against his idled lips with begging eyes locked on his sultry gaze. She pulls her hand from under the blanket to curl around the side of his neck to emphasize her need, pulling herself up to meet him where he was.

Jungkook lets a little growl vibrate between them before going back in to part her lips with his slowly. Janelle moaned softly when his tongue teased hers, compelling her to lean up more to secure her cling to him.

This causes the fuzzy throw blanket to fall from her chest, exposing her nudity to the cool air around them. Jungkook doesn't seem to notice until his hand slides over her ticklish ribs though.

He pulls back in slight surprise at the feel of her smooth skin under his fingers, leaving Janelle chasing his lips.

"Nell..Where yo clothes at?" He breathes, skimming his touch over her side. His thumb brushes the underside of her boob just barely, but it's enough to make her nipples harden under his watchful eye.

A blush floods through her entire body at the way she felt him tracing her curves, and she allows him to discard the blanket completely for further confirmation.

His brows shoot up immediately.

"Oh damn. You naked naked. I at least expected panties.." he chuckles, his hand going to run over her thick thighs.

"It's too hot for panties. I'm all achy and sensitive. You know how I get.." she tries to defend her scarceness pointlessly, making Jungkook's curiosity and mischief mount.

"Mmhmm.." he dismisses her as his hand travels to the dip between her knees.

Her legs remained pressed together as if she were afraid of him to see how much of a mess she already was. She should have known better than to do that though.

With little effort, Jungkook pushes her knees apart, exposing her most private parts to him hopelessly.

His brows lift unsubtly at the way Janelle's pussy bloomed the prettiest shade of pink he'd ever seen. Her clit peaked between her lips, still shiny and swollen, while the rest of her sex glistened in the warmly lit room.

Not that he was surprised by it. After being with her for a while, he had never experienced a woman being so excitable near her time of the month. He wasn't at all squeamish and didn't mind running a red light now and then if she was comfortable with it. But it was the week before that he loved because she was always outrageously wet and sensitive. It drove him insane.

Thoughtfully, he glances down at his attire before shooting up and away from the bed.

She hears him call for Kat from her doorway and Kat responds loudly from across the apartment.

"Kat!"

"Kat!"

Some time ago...

"Kat?"

Janelle stares at herself in uncertainty in the mirror in the bathroom, scrutinizing herself harshly in her mind.

She takes a few steps back to get a full-body view, turning to the side and sucking in uselessly before exhaling loudly and turning back up to the mirror.

"Kat!?" Janelle's voice breaks when she yells this time.

A few seconds after passing the doorway, Kat backtracks and pokes her head in curiously at the sound of Janelle calling to her with lifted brows.

"What, what happened?..... Oooooh sexy mama..." She grins, immediately distracted by the way the low-cut white latex dress conformed to Janelle's curves.

Tonight was the New Year's Eve party, hosted by one of Jungkook's friends on the rooftop of some 5-star hotel uptown. The theme was 'Brand New', calling for all-white attire.

Kat's general disgust was felt at such news, seeing as how white was one of the hues she'd worn the least in her lifetime. But that didn't stop her from tossing together a sexy little ensemble that still showed her edgy side.

She's in her short white body con wrap dress with the sides cut to reveal most of her slender torso. Kat was more on the slimmer side so dresses that showed more always felt less forgiving on Janelle, in her opinion.

Even now in her dress, she felt overly aware of how the little bulge of her lower tummy seemed more noticeable, as well as how wide her hips were.

Janelle accepts Kat's praise with an impish smile that falters the moment she notes how flawless Kat's makeup looks. Her smokey eyes and dark lips, offsetting her bright hair had her looking like a sexy vampire. Totally on theme while remaining on brand for Kat. She looked gorgeous and for the first time since Kat had moved in, Janelle felt oddly intimidated by it.

"Ugh look at you...I suck so much at this "Bad Bitch" stuff.." she huffs. She returns her attention to her reflection and grimaces in dissatisfaction at her makeup. Which by anyone else's standards looked just as good as Kat's but let her hormones tell, she was a potato.

Kat frowns at her expression.

"Um...what?" she chuckles, stepping into the bathroom.

She stops behind Janelle and observes her reflection with her over her shoulder. From what she could see, what Janelle said was far from the truth. Her makeup was perfectly done as it always was. Her skin had an airbrushed finish, highlights, and contours blended seamlessly. Her lips were plump and nude.

"Janelle, what the fuck are you talking about?." Kat snarls and Janelle huffs pitifully.

"I don't know. I'm just not feeling it at all. When I bought this dress, it fit me way differently. Now I feel like I'm busting out of it and nothing else looks right either."

Apart from her disproval of her how her dress fit, and her makeup, Janelle couldn't seem to figure out what she wanted to so with her hair.

She'd blown it out and straightened it the night before and she'd just unwrapped it. Middle part? Side part? Up-do? Half up, half down? Beach waves or bone straight?

She lacked the vision and motivation to obtain one since nothing else about her look seemed to come together the way she imagined it. Kat stood by, listening to Janelle degrade her looks for only a few more seconds before cutting her off.

"Alright. Enough of that. You sound crazy." Kat dismisses her with a shake of her head. She abruptly steps around and grabs Janelle by the shoulders so that she's facing her head.

She assessed Janelle's makeup for herself, deeming it flawless before inspecting her hair.

Her eyes go up and focus on her finger combing through the front of her head to find the natural flow and fall of her delicately cut layers until she's satisfied.

"There..just let it flow like this. Natural and pretty.." Kat comments distractedly as she brushes a stray strand of hair from Janelle's face without disturbing her perfectly shaped eyebrows and the style she'd just created.

As she did, Janelle's gaze fell to her lips. Kat's complexion always reminded me of a caramel macchiato after twirling her straw around a few times. And the cinnamon freckles dotting her face were just visible beneath her foundation, intentional.

But her lips were lined and filled perfectly with MAC Ximal's deep maroon shade that reminded her of a Rubicon Spray rose in full bloom.

"Why are you so pretty Kat?" Janelle asks in a small voice, sounding as if she were on the brink of tears. Kat's expression hardened at the tremble in Janelle's tone.

"I ingest the souls of my enemies. Oh and sunscreen. What's your secret?" she deadpans, going back to playing in Janelle's hair as she laughs.

"Hmmph...maybe I should give that a try." her laughter tapers as she turns her head to examine her reflection. Before she can say anything negative, Kat nudges her cheek to bring her attention back to her.

"Don't start that. Now what's going on with you? How do you not know how fucking beautiful you are Belly?"

"Belly?" Janelle scrunches her nose at the new nickname in amusement. Kat nods.

"Yeah. Short for Jelly Belly. I've been calling you that in my head for months, it just finally slipped out." she shrugs, and Janelle's head tips back as she lets out another round of laughter.

"Oh? Because I'm chubby?" she jokes but Kat doesn't join her laughing. It wasn't a secret to anyone that Janelle was feeling a bit fuller than usual tonight, PMS bloating being the culprit. But no one minded it as much as she did.

And damn sure had nothing to do with the pet name, even though it ironically sounds like it did.

"No...jelly beans are just one of my favorite candies. And you are undoubtedly one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Your vibe, your face, your body is perfect to me.."

"So I remind you of a jelly bean?" Janelle could not help but laugh, picturing the curved round stubby little morsel of sugar in her mind.

"More or less. It was the first thing I thought of when I saw you for the first time. You were dressed so bright and bubbly, I said to myself 'This girl is way too sweet looking for a place like this...' "

"Funny...I thought the same thing when I saw you." Janelle perks her brow, bravely reaching for Kat's slim waist and reciprocating the possessive hold she had on her. Kat's mouth forms a grim line of disagreement.

"Yeah yeah...Anyway.Stop calling yourself fat. It's annoying. Id die for a body like yours." she pouts, stroking Janelle's curves appreciatively over the slick material of her dress.

"And I'd rather have yours. You look so good in whatever you wear, Kat. Meanwhile how I look depends on whether my uterus hates me for not being pregnant." Janelle mirths.

Kat laughs at that, relating to her pain all too well. Although since having her IUD, she hadn't experienced the same pain and discomfort that came with womanhood in a while, she still empathized.

It might have been true that what she felt wasn't all in her head and the way her white dress hugged her every curve didn't ease her insecurity. But as far as Janelle's body looking any less perfect to her, she disagreed wholeheartedly.

"Are you kidding? Janelle, your body proportions are perfect. Dead serious. This ass? You know how many people stop to watch you walk by out in public? I do it here and I know Jungkook does. Hell, whenever I see you walking around in those Tweetie Bird shorts, I just wanna stop you, bend you over bite it. It makes sense why Jungkook can't keep his hands off you."

Janelle starts to deny Kat's claims but remains silent when the ginger's eyes fall to the heavy globes filling the designated cups of latex in her bosom.

Kat's hands lift slowly from her waist, cupping the shape of her breasts tenderly.

"Or these..." her thumbs coast over Janelle's responsive nipples, and they harden on contact right before her eyes.

"They're so fucking pretty, I just wanna hold them in my mouth until you melt..." she mouths distractedly, still rubbing over Janelle's nipples in a mini trance. Janelle watched her hands work, squeezing her tits until she couldn't hold back her little restrained moan anymore. Among other parts of her changing body during this time, Janelle's nipples were at their most sensitive now.

Kat releases her at the sound, her bold hands returning to hold Janelle's waist. She shakes her head sheepishly.

"Sorry...that was kinda gay.." she jokes as if everyone didn't already know how 'gay' Kat was. So gay in fact that the index and middle digits on her dominant hand were always the only nails she kept short whenever she got them done.

Janelle noticed that immediately.🌚

"It's ok.." Janelle rasps, clearing her throat and they both share a laugh that fades out the moment they lock eyes again. Janelle is first to look away shyly, shaking off her emotions and releasing them with a sigh.

"Thank you...no one has ever said anything like that to me before." she lifts her eyes slowly, meeting Kat's incredulous expression.

"I doubt that. Your mans over here says all kinds of nasty stuff to you, I'm sure."

"Yeah but..it's different with you. Men will say anything for a chance to get a woman's pants. Jungkook doesn't have to sweet talk me but he knows what it'll get him if he does. But you...I can tell you mean that."

Janelle didn't consider herself a lesbian or bisexual early on.

Never had been and never desired to be one when being with men felt like enough. Sure, she found women attractive, often finding herself staring at the ones she found most captivating. But never did she think of herself as a woman that was into women.

Until she saw Katya.

Spotting her working the bar with such skill and confidence, dancing freely with other bartenders, and flirting with patrons, there were things about the slightly androgynous personality with soft feminine facial features that made her the exception.

Still stroking Janelle's temple affectionately, Kat smirks.

"Hmm...and can you tell how much I wanna kiss you right now?" The tip of her tongue peaks and curls out the side of her mouth salaciously, tilting her head with interest.

"What's stopping you?" Janelle breathes after a beat, her lips remaining parted in anticipation of Kat's next move.

Leaning in, Kat's dark lips press over Janelle's nude and glossy pout, both of them sighing in tandem.

Kat sucks on the fattest lip softly, staining Janelle with her lipstick before opening her up to explore her with her tongue. Janelle's lashes fluttered at the way Janelle made her feel dominated in the way kissed her, parting her lips wider for her to deepen her dive. Kat slides a hand over Janelle's neck and locks her in place, making Janelle moan softly against her.

The two stood there for what felt like a while, kissing and exploring each other's curves with tentative touches, tuning out anything that wasn't between them. Even the heavy sounds of footsteps echoing in the hallway.

"Hey, Yall almost ready?...Whoa..." Jungkook pauses mid-step in the open bathroom doorway, unbuttoning the cuff of his crisp white denim jacket's sleeve.

Jungkook's take on the theme was very true to his nature. He wore an all-white Calvin Klein set, jacket, and jeans, with a loosely tucked white v-neck. His silver chain and rings accent the outfit with a pop of glitz that's offset by his overall monochromatic aesthetic. Simple and sexy.

But damn all of that. He just walked in on two fine-ass women tongue-kissing in his bathroom.

Kat pulled away from Janelle's lips to turn around, leaving her kissing partner's head spinning and eyes fluttering as she came back to earth. Noting Jungkook's astounded expression, Kat smirks devilishly. She licks her lips before shooting Janelle a glance.

"What was that Kook?" she asks him, knowing full and well, she'd heard him.

Jungkook blinked distractedly, replaying the image of bliss and pleasure on Janelle's face when Kat licked passionately at her mouth. Blood rushes in his veins excitedly, most of it gathering just below the elastic of his CK boxer briefs, pulsing in time with his heart.

"I..was just asking if you two were..ready," he responds, smirking at his pause when Janelle blushed behind Kat, looking away guiltily.

"Yeah, almost. Was just helping Nell with her makeup..." she says smoothly, cheekily turning back to Janelle to make her blush even harder.

"Why? Did you need something?" she tosses back to him, insinuating that he was interrupting.

"Nope." He shakes his head, not making any moves to leave. Seeming as if they were now at a standstill, Kat turned to him, her shoulders squared as she folded her arms over her chest.

"Ok..well?.." she trails off, her eyes pointing beyond where Jungkook was standing, a challenge clear in her frisky glare.

Jungkook's brows go up again and the corners of his mouth droop as if he were genuinely impressed by her bold attempt at dismissing him.

Janelle wasn't far off when she said he and Kat were just alike. While they got along well enough over the past few weeks of her living with them, Jungkook did notice that when it came to Janelle...

They had a bit of a territorial streak he knew they would need to work out.

He wasn't invasive nor was he a creep, but he did start to understand the appeal of seeing his partner being loved on by someone else.

Someone he didn't have to compete with.

Someone who was beginning to be as frustratingly attractive the longer she was around.

But one thing Kat wasn't about to do, no matter how sexy she looked with Janelle, was run him off in his own apartment.

"Well... no need to rush perfection. Carry on.." he states, propping his shoulder against the door frame with his thumbs tucked in his pockets, getting cozy and showing he had no intention of leaving them to it. Kat smirked at his stubbornness, finding it more amusing than anything as she scoffed.

"Anyway...how long till the car pulls up?" she asks and Jungkook lifts his wrist to examine his watch.

"Uhhh...less than an hour."

Kats nods in understanding, turning back to Janelle.

"Alright...You got it from here or you still need my help?" she asks, knowing she implied more than just aiding Janelle in getting ready for the night.

"I...I think I got it." she stammered with a shy smile, having its usual effect on Kat as she nodded again.

"K...well, you know where to find me." she winks, patting Janelle's booty before turning away.

When facing Jungkook, Kat looks him up and down before giving him a muted look of disgust that makes him grin.

"You look nice.." he complimented her as she squeezed past him.

"Shut up." She poked Jungkook's side with her pointy nail as she passed, making him cough and clutch his rib protectively, sticking his tongue out at her back childishly.

Janelle chuckles breathily and rolls her eyes.

"Yall should just bang and it over with. Put me out of my misery..." she smirks and Jungkook wrinkles his nose.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Mmmhmm...Ok, what do you think?" she does a little spin for him, masking her former insecurities well enough for the question to just sound like a question. When she stops, she's back facing the mirror, that look of uncertainty still in her eyes.

Jungkook regards her softly for a moment before approaching slowly, appraising her from head to toe with his lip tucked between his teeth. He joins her at the mirror, stooping to rest his chin on her shoulder and wrap his arms around her waist from behind.

His hand widens over her belly, stroking the little pudge affectionately as he locks eyes with her reflection.

"I think you're perfectly gorgeous. Like always. This dress is sexy on you..." he remarks, kissing her shoulder.

"Really?" Janelle lights up at his compliment and he nods.

"Mmhmm..You look sexy in white." he looks up at her suggestively, pressing himself against her plump ass for emphasis.

His hands were sneaky at first but the unsubtle feeling of him rolling up her dress just enough for him to be able to cup her sex with his fingers stroking the seam of her lips through her panties.

She was wet and it was evident in the way her panties barely shielded her from the friction Jungkook's steady hand caused. Janelle's back melts against Jungkook's chest, her head falling against his shoulder as she gasped.

"Do you feel sexy?" he murmurs, kissing her shoulder again. His fingers continued to rub her mound, focusing on the little hill of her clit that was hardening and beginning to poke through the seam of her lips. Janelle shook when he rubbed her harder, a whispered 'yes' coming out in a soft moan that only Jungkook could hear.

He smirks, nosing through her hair until he's able to plant a kiss on her neck. He tucks her straightened tresses behind her ear carefully to gain better access to her skin, suckling and nibbling until the evidence was just barely visible if anyone looks hard enough.

Soon after, his mischievous hand abandons its tease to begin fixing her dress. The latex-like material rolls back down her thighs with a little 'snap' of confirmation.

"Good. Hold on to that feeling. I'll take care of you when we get back home.." Jungkook straightens up, placing a careful kiss to her temple before leaving her standing at the mirror with her core clenching and sexually, keyed up from the way both he and Kat had just handled her.

Like putty.

Janelle exhales, shaking off the arousal and regaining her focus on finishing getting ready. She scans the counter littered with makeup products and the flat iron that was still warm from styling her hair. She then looks back at herself in the mirror with keen eyes.

Despite being flustered by Kat's intervention and Jungkook's gentle teasing, her makeup and hair were well intact.

Well, apart from that dark rouge tint blending with her nude-toned lips, and the way Jungkook had tucked her hair behind her ear to expose the faint love bite he'd left her. Flaunting the marks of both of her dates tonight would dispel any insecurities she felt several minutes before. It made her feel sexier than ever feeling so claimed and desired by both of them.

As if they'd done what they did on purpose, a collaborative effort to make sure she felt just as good as she looked.

If so, they worked well together.

Back to the present...

"KAT!"

"WHAT?!"

"C'mere!" He yells, still leaning out of Janelle's bedroom doorway. Cool air from the hall seeped into the room, pricking her skin with goosebumps. She pulled the blanket back up to cover herself, blinking curiously with a frown as she watched Jungkook.

Seconds later, Kat appeared in front of Jungkook, dressed in only a beige Nike sports bra and black sweats rolled up at the waist. Her wild mane of fire sat on top of her head in a messy ponytail, her glare fixed on Jungkook.

"What?" She huffs again, visibly irritated and Jungkook leans in to whisper something to her. She looks to Jungkook warily but doesn't stop him from speaking. Janelle's brow crinkled at them.

Gradually, Kat's scowl fades the longer Jungkook's mouth moves at her ear and her eyes go to Janelle midway.

Then she smirks.

Not just a normal smirk either. There was a hunger in her expression that sent a frenzy of excitement to bloom between Janelle's thighs just from the way Kat's gaze scanned her lounging body shielded by her blanket.

Kat's bottom lip tucks between her teeth when Jungkook pulls away from her. He gives her a knowing look with lifted brows.

"You got it?" he says and Kat looks to him reluctantly, nodding and nudging him on the shoulder.

"Yeah, I got it."

"You sure?" Jungkook doesn't budge, being the brick wall he was, and Kat sighs.

"Yes! Would you just go? I got it.." she tips her chin to point over his, emphasizing his dismissal with another shove at his shoulder and muscular arm. At her eagerness for him to leave, Jungkook chuckles. Shaking his head, he glances back at Janelle.

"I'll be back baby. Text me if you think of something."

"Ok," Janelle responds softly, still tucked shyly below her blanket with longing eyes that move from him to Kat slowly.

Jungkook leaves them alone, the jingling of his keys fading to nothing as the front door shutting sealed the women in their apartment.

Kat approaches Janelle's bedside, taking Jungkook's place by squatting at the head of her bed. She reaches out to cup Janelle's cheek, rubbing her bottom lip with the pad of her thumb.

"Hey Belly..." Kat all but whispers, her sexy rasp pulling all of Janelle's attention to her touch.

"Hey.." she sighs and Kat smiles softly.

Her hand moves to remove the elastic band from Janelle's hair gently, pulling it until her dark brown waves fanned out over her pink satin-covered pillow.

"Your hair is curling back up." Kat remarks observantly, brushing her fingertips over Janelle's hairline.

"I know...I was sweating too much today." Janelle whines and Kat shakes her head.

"I don't know why you bother straightening it in the summer. You should just wear it curly," she says, running her fingers through her hair, her nails gently detangling the curly and straight strands as she spoke.

"Your hair is so thick and healthy. A break from the heat wouldn't hurt at all.."

"Mmhmm.." Janelle hummed, relishing in her girlfriend's touch. It differs greatly from Jungkook in ways she couldn't explain, but it affected her the same.

Janelle sighed as she got lost in Kat's doting touch, leaning into her hand while she played in her hair.

She wondered vaguely what Jungkook said to her before he left but her mind was too jumbled by hormones to ask. She whimpers at the soothing feeling of Kat's fingernails scraping her scalp, her eyelids drooping.

"Kook says you're still hurting pretty bad..." Kat's sultry rasp strummed in Janelle's ears like a Spanish guitar. She nods wordlessly, her brows inverting into a pitiful expression as she opens her eyes. Kat's gaze warmed over her, her lips pouting.

"Want me to make it better?" She asks, despite having received clear instructions from Jungkook on how to take care of their girl.

Her other hand curls over the dip of Janelle's waist, gently tugging at the blanket covering her upper body. Janelle gasped as she is slowly revealed to Kat, whose eyes glazed over with lust the moment they made contact with her skin.

Janelle laid on her back with her hands resting over her breasts, thoughtlessly playing with her nipples as Kat scanned her body.

"How.." Janelle begins but her question halts the second Kat scoots closer to her on the bed, leaning over her. She licks her lips, her attention falling to Janelle's dainty fingers toying with her stiffening peaks.

"Kook told me he used to help you when you were in pain like this all the time." she exhales, one of her hands wrapping around Janelle's wrist to pull it away from her chest. Kat pins it to the mattress.

"He did...but you don't have t.." Janelle stammers, going silent at the sudden press of Kat's lips against hers.

"Hmm? What did he use to do?" She asks uselessly against her lips, eliciting a soft moan from Janelle. The sheets and blankets rustled as she pressed her thighs together, a helpless attempt at easing the ache growing between them.

Kat noticed and knew full and well what the doting boyfriend she'd witnessed him being numerous would do in this situation. His words from a minute ago were clear.

Do whatever you gotta do.

Just make her cum..

She'd be lying in saying the way the words sounded coming from his growl of a whisper didn't make her walls clench. But she'd ignore it in favor of making Janelle feel good. She only asked her because she liked the way Janelle would stammer when asked to talk dirty.

She was so shy sometimes, it was adorable. Kat hummed questioningly to remind Janelle to respond by licking over her tongue.

"He...he would just take care of me." Janelle mouths.

"You know, massage my back...Rub my legs...Touch me..and stuff.."

Janelle's voice faded as a sudden shyness took hold, but that didn't stop her hand from clenching into a fist, her other squeezing her nipple hard until she gasped.

If she could, she'd be touching herself as she was before, less to answer the question and more to quell the simmering need for stimulation between her legs. Obeying her body, Janelle pulls her trapped wrist from Kat's hold to push it beneath the blanket to cup her pussy. She leans up slightly and sighs in relief at her touch, pressing her fingers against her clit.

With a whine and a bite of her lip, Janelle told her attentive girlfriend all she needed to know.

Pulling away, Kat's gaze falls to where Janelle's hand disappeared under the blanket, lifting her brows slowly in intrigue.

With her tongue poking at the corner of her mouth, Kat looks back up at Janelle's flustered and lustful expression with a smirk.

"Lay back." she chuckles, nodding towards the head of Janelle's bed. She reluctantly obeys, too weak and needy to protest as Kat climbs on to join her. She straddles Janelle's waist, hovering over her to block out the brightness of the fairy lights dangling above them.

The blanket is pulled away completely from Janelle's body, confirming what Jungkook mentioned before leaving them, and her eyes darken.

Unlike her petite and lithe body with just enough curves to be appreciated, Janelle's body type was a little further right on the scale. Full breasts that sagged gorgeously from the gravity of laying back, with the prettiest sand dollar-sized cocoa brown areoles Kat had ever seen.

Her curves were artistic, sloping from her ribcage and bowing out to wide enviable hips that she knew Jungkook loved to hold. Hell, so did she. And her skin was always smooth and supple, even after going pruney in the tub.

"Have your tits always been this big or am I trippn?" Kat thinks aloud with her attention on Janelle's heaving chest. The question catches her off guard and Janelle drops her chin to inspect herself as if she didn't have these boobs for the better half of her life.

Kat's hand slides over Janelle's skin until she's cupping the brown globe in the curve of her palm, watching it jiggle slightly with satisfaction.

"Awww they're so swollen baby. I never noticed them getting like that before.." she adds and the comment alone had Janelle's nipples hardening under her fixed gaze.

"It's ok if I touch you right? I know I'm not Jungkook but I think I can help you feel better the way he did if you'd let me.."

Janelle scoffs in amusement at her words.

"Girlfriends ask their girlfriends if they can touch them?" She jokes and Kat shrugs.

"Good girlfriends do. Plus I want you to be comfortable. We've never done anything like this before. At least not without Jungkook."

Janelle thought about it, considering how she felt about Kat amidst their unique relationship.

To the grand majority of folks on the outside looking in, the idea of two women sharing a man was preposterous. Many stated that the only person benefiting from it of the three was Jungkook, but that was so far from the truth.

Janelle didn't feel like she was sharing Jungkook with Kat. If anything, she was the one being shared, more so that they had equal claims to each other in different ways. Some sexual. Some emotional. But all consensual and understood clearly.

Her relationship with Kat was no exception.

She was attracted to her physically from the moment she saw her creamy tawny complexion freckled with cinnamon all over.  

Her favorite drink...

She was bold and feisty despite her size and Janelle felt safe with her. She was as much a lover as she was a friend, making it easier for her to accept her into her heart and relationship.

She had feelings for Kat in the way she loved Jungkook, which was what made their dynamic work.

But with all of that being said, they'd never had sex exclusively.

Ever.

Kissing, touching, and watching the other get railed by their boyfriend aside.

Kat awaited Janelle's response, keeping her hands above the blanket patiently.

"Of course it's ok. Touch me..please.. " she rushed to say all needy and breathless.

Kat smirks at the sound before running her hand back down to Janelle's open thighs, joining her hand. Janelle moves it and her mouth gapes slowly in reaction to Kat's fingers dipping inside of her, collecting her arousal to rub over her clit.

Janelle tenses and relaxes on contact, arching up from the mattress slightly.

"Ughhh yes.." she shudders. Kat's smirk widens to a grin as she rubbed her fingers over Janelle's stiffening clit. She strums over it with increased pressure and speed that has Janelle panting and moaning as if she were already close to cumming.

She gets extra sensitive before her period starts. Extra wet. Extra horny.

It'll be easy...

Jungkook's voice chimed in Kat's mind. He wasn't lying. Janelle was on the brink of coming undone and Kat had barely done anything to her. Her moans compelled Kat to move down her body, inching closer to the apex of her thighs to get into a sniper position between her legs.

Janelle propped up on her elbows and swallowed heavily as she watched Kat get into the intimate position. Kat could detect Janelle tensing slightly, and she glanced up from her shadowed folds to lock eyes with her.

"Calm down Belly, I got you.." She soothed as her mouth brushed against Janelle's vulva.

Kat's tongue glances over her lips, eyes up and fixed on the way Janelle's jaw slowly slackens. She expected her to taste as sweet as the nickname she'd given her. More than likely due to her hormones, the slick glossing Janelle's folds pulled and dangled from Kat's tongue when she pulled away for a look.

Janelle's petals were just as pretty, blooming the more Kat spread them. Her eyes fell shut as she focused on her taste lingering on her taste buds.

She goes in again, licking her deeper to part her and taste the arousal gathering at her entrance. Janelle watches closely with her hooded gaze fixed on the way Kat's peachy pink pierced tongue disappeared and reappeared between her swollen lips.

When the ball of the tongue ring presses against her clit, Janelle gasps and bites her lip. Kat's eyes opened and returned to her face, but she never paused. She never stops.

One thing about Kat, she knew her way around a pussy. Considering she had one herself, of course, as well as her past experiences with being intimate with women.

Her tongue is wet and fast-moving over Janelle's sensitive bud, rosy pink and swollen from the intense arousal. Every flick felt electrifying and it wasn't very long from the moment she began licking her pussy that Janelle was gasping sharply at the explosion of release.

Her back arched from bed and her legs trembled over Kat's shoulders, her voice frayed and breathy as she came down.

Feeling her relax, Kat's relentless tongue slows to a soothing flat lick up and down Janelle's sex, tasting her cum and easing the delicious taper of her orgasm.

Jungkook was right. That didn't take long at all, and while Kat could have just chalked that up to her skill, she knew it had more to do with how sensitive Janelle already was.

"Good?" She mouths, her eyes on Janelle's drunken expression. Her girlfriend merely nods, her eyelids drooping from deepening fatigue.

"So good...my god.." she sighs weakly, blinking slowly.

Kat's ego swelled with pride at her words, her gaze dropping to Janelle's glistening pussy with another question popping up in her brain.

"Jungkook ever make you cum that fast?" She teased, leaning in to plant a soft wet kiss against Janelle's clit. When Kat's lips latched onto it softly, Janelle's left keg twitched.

"Ah!.. I'm not telling...you for his pride's sake.." Janelle struggled to say as Kat suckled her overly sensitive bud against her tongue. Kat chuckles, her voice vibrating her heat deliciously before she lifts her head.

"Say less.." she smirks knowingly.

Her gaze falls back to Janelle's pussy, which was still throbbing and shiny inches from her face.

"Just so you know..." she pauses to flick her tongue over her clit again just to hear Janelle moan one more time.

"Your pussy tastes really good. No wonder why Kook volunteers to stick his face down here. I can't blame him one bit.." she shakes her head. Janelle rolls her sleepy eyes, finally giving in to fall back against her pillow with a heavy sigh.

"Shut up." she giggles breathlessly, running her hands over her face. Kat watched her fondly, a soft smile parting her wet lips. She starts to lick them when a naughty idea pops in her head

"Im foreal..Here.."

Kat climbed over Janelle's body, pinning her with her stare as she leaned in to kiss her. As if to prove she wasn't joking, Kat feeds Janelle the taste of her cum from her tongue to hers, licking into her mouth as sinuously as before until Janelle pulls away to breathe.

"Oh fuck..that was so nasty and sexy...I can't.." she huffs, making Kat laugh.

"Mmhmm. Feel better?" she asks genuinely after a beat, pussy breath and all, and Janelle looks up at her. She nods sheepishly with her bottom lip caught between her teeth, keeping that perfectly sexy smile on Kat's face.

Janelle blinked, marveling at how beautiful Kat's smile really was. She didn't do it much, sporting a rather sexy RBF the majority of the time.

It was a shame.

She had one of the most beautiful smiles Janelle had ever seen.

Feeling magnified under Janelle's softening stare, Kat's smile fades.

"Um...Well, good."

She pecks her lips once more for good measure before hopping up from the bed. Janelle sat up with a confused frown as Kat fixed her oversized sweats on her hips before raking her nails up her nape as she set off to leave the room.

"Wait...Where are you going?" Janelle calls after her just as Kat reaches the open doorway.

"To cook you something." Kat looks back at her over her shoulder with a hand resting on the doorframe. Janelle's pout drops into a skeptical frown.

"But you don't cook Kat." she narrowed her eyes and Kat's wide and stunned eyes scanned the room.

She was right. Kat couldn't cook to save her life and that was another reason she hopped on the opportunity to move in. Janelle and Jungkook were the cooks of the relationship while Kat gladly cleaned up after.

They all knew better than to allow her near a stove.

"Ok, To order you something then.." she repeats her tone and Janelle laughs.

Her body drops into the pillows and plushies at the head of her bed with a sigh of relief that Kat resented but understood. Janelle yawned before rolling onto her stomach, pulling her fuzzy blanket over her body.

"Thank God. Chickf ila, please? You know what I like.." she lays her head down, hugging the pillow. Kat bites down on her grin as she nodded, wishing she could cuddle up with Janelle some more to play in her hair, suck on her nipples and tease her clit until she came again. Her pussy ached to touch as well and she'd love to feel Janelle's timid touches on her wetness, then offering to lick it off of her fingers after she made her cum too.

Maybe later though. She was already dozing off.

"Anything for my Belly. Go to sleep. I'll be back." Kat rats her knuckles against the door frame before exiting Janelle's bedroom.

[pixxelminxx]

its stupid that almost all of the beta kids live in the US. jade doesnt but her grandpa is from the US i believe? how is it that theres a handful of kids fated to save the universe or whatever and theyre ALLL american. it would make way more sense if they were scattered all over the globe.

so far i see dave as still living in texas because he very much feels like a product of the american public school system and american individualism. jade also still lives on her island thats fine her gpa is just polynesian to me, and then john lives in hong kong and rose lives in brazil.

rose specifically lives in the southern high planes of brazil bc thats where it snows and for some reason rose living in a snowy location feels important to her upbringing to me? maybe just because of the flashbacks to her playing in the snow. oh also because it makes sense if she lives in a more isolated location.

i think grandpa harley is maori and was originally born in new zealand wow oh my god as im typing this im imagining jade w a kiwi accent and that feels so fitting. anyways i think he sailed out from NZ and found hellmurder island out in the pacific on his travels.

i also like the idea of rose and dave meeting online and dave is fluent in spanish (bro is irish american/mexican) and in english while rose is fluent in portuguese and knows some english. they communicate through spanglish and portuganglish(???)and rose gets better ar conversational english this way. once she starts getting the hang of it (which is very fast) she starts reading more and more english books and quickly accumulates a far bigger vocabulary than dave because dave does not fucking read books like that.

when they talk mainly spanish and portuguese in the beginning dave is like “portuguese speakers sound like theyre trying to speak spanish while having a stroke you’re giving me a headache” and rose is like “sounds like a you problem i understand your spanish just fine” lol.

dave has a weird assortment of spanish vocab that he knows outside of the basics because his only exposure to spanish is from his bro and shitty public school spanish classes.

also bro was raised on dragon ball z and thats part of the reason he styles his hair the way he does. bro has the goku jesus mexican flag hanging in their living room.

[sysinfodump]

Hello is it obvious I like system blogs? .... Anyways-

So, we have a system hierarchy because we do, that's life, idk. but we have subsystems with different system hierarchies! For example, in the main system, persecutors are at the very bottom in terms of how much they can front and how much control they can have in our lives but in the Arg system, theyre at the very top, because most of the subsystem is persecutors, including the host. So that means persecutors have the most power in their system. And then, in the music archive, the ones at the very top are protectors! Idk, just silly that we all have different hierarchies even tho we're all part of the same bigger system!

-🕷️💤 anon

I have found you in like three of our system blogs, I think you like our system blogs but I'm not sure /pf

Having different hierarchies is very interesting indeed! The rules only applying to not subsystem alters and within the subsys being different ones is a very unique thing that I haven't heard of, so it's kinda interesting to hear about it

[celestie0]

Thoughts on humanities majors🤔🤔

OKAYYY even tho i was stem major most of my friends were humanities majors so i’ve got opinions LOL

psych majors - i love me a psych major. idc idc i know theyre are a dime a dozen but theyre just so ADORABLE w the therapy talk and the taking things seriously although sometimes i felt i was talking through them and not to them loool

poli sci majors - kind of scary. usually have lots of family trauma and repressed issues. come off as very hardened but are actually big softies. i am terrified by how fast they can read shit. also care more about things that happen in the news than their own life like literally their dog could die and they’d be like “but there’s news that SCOTUS just—” IDK every poli sci major i have ever met has given me massive oldest sibling vibes

public policy majors - similar to poli sci except they don’t want to be lawyers they just want a govt job and believe they can finesse the system then retire early. really kind though, but can get into really heated debates

music majors - kinda secretive n keep to themselves ab their assignments n classes bc they either assume no one cares or it’s just too silly to explain what exactly they do

dance majors - exact same as music majors except they are part of a cool club on campus that performs at events and that’s their primary friend group and if you’re their friend but not in that dance club w them, you are actually just an acquaintance to them

english majors - MASSIVE MASSIVE nerds omg the english majors i’ve met have been bigger nerds than the comp sci or physics majors i’ve met loool. they have very very sharp opinions about things and can be a lil eccentric. either this or they are so cute w colored hair n totebags n probably lights candles in the house

film majors - very cynical, constantly stressed, constantly changing their post-grad plans. sort of have a bit of a superiority complex when it comes to understanding media, can be very condescending if you didn’t understand a movie the way you were allegedly supposed to. BUT on the bright side they give great movie recs most of the time!!

history majors - omg all the history majors i have met have been so perpetually exhausted n idk why. like what tf are they puttin yall through in that major??? literally the most miserable looking ppl i’ve ever met. is it all the fuckin essays n research?? pls get some rest

philosophy majors - i’m sorry but i can’t stand yall. i just cannot. have fun though!!

ok this is all i can think of rn loool

[whorecoded]

Make a tier list of your sonas pleaseeee

OMG an ask. in my inbox... HI!!! i can do this but it took me a minute to really think . heres my list! with pics for fun :3 i will say that this is actually so hard because my sonas reflect different parts of us collectively not just the host, dirk's. like while they are explicitly dirk's sonas he did try to put a lot of thought into representing more than just him. thats also part of the reason each sona is based on aesthetics. darling is lovecore, dizzie is scene, nova is space, chorus is angelcore and reve is dreamcore. all of these are things we collectively enjoy and represent different parts of us, although we do also have a collective sona lol. i will also say we love all our sonas so dearly like aughghgh

1) darling - i feel like once i got her design down drawing her just became so natural and cmon. he is so pretty you cant look at him and tell me you DONT want him. be for real! not only that but lovecore is just so fun and like come onnn the horns and the heart bun and the cute locs like. also shes been really helpful for us to explore drawing our ACTUAL body type and not just like an Attempt at making her Slightly bigger. hes hot as fuck and people love him and he is fat, like us, and it makes us happy to think about :3

2) reve - I JUST MADE THIS GUY but its so fucking cute are you squidding me. i LOVE how he looks and im so so satisfied with the colors and just the theme looks so .. well thought out LOL. which is rare for us and also the unicorn / fae theme it has going on is really fun for us because we identify with a Lot of different things therian/kin/system wise. not only that but reve is meant to represent our more neurodivergent tendencies. he hides his eyes because he has a Stare that many would describe as offputting. he's not keen on masking behaviors like stimming or needing personal space or music to help him throughout the day, and this is something we've been trying to be better about

3) nova - nova was the first to be created out of these 5 goobers and theyre currently undergoing another revamp. weve always felt his design was cute but a little bland, im going to be updating his design to blend it more with his first designs! shes getting her chest fluff back :3 once i add some of the details we miss about stars old designs im sure that they'll be on par with reve, space themes are OUR JAM!! and we identify very heavily with space and stars, so we're excited to give him back some old starry patterning too. heres an icon of him below by a lovely artist showcasing his older patterning! such a cutie !!

4) dizzie - dont get me wrong i love dizzie a lot especially with his banger new hairstyles, i think he's adorable and we finally got his pattern down but BY GOD was it a challenge. dizzie has probably gone through the most overt revamping, weve been figuring it out and i can pretty confidently say we are in love with his current design, we just have to draw him more <3

5) chorus - i feel so bad putting chorus at the bottom of the list because angel themes are also so uscore but we barely draw him :( this will change soon because with the lore we're giving these 5 theyre all gonna be interacting with one another in the band they have, as well as the counterpart band we made for them! chorus is the bassist in the band gummypawz that all 5 of these guys are in and it has a counterpart in the band mourning maws that is like evil chorus LOL. his name is judas and theyre very gerard way / frank iero coded <3 all that to say chorus is actually a really good sona for us to do vent art with, we actually did a redraw of something we did last year using chorus last night, so have that!

anyways THANK YOU FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY TO YAP im so fucking sorry that it got this long i know this was probably way more than you were expecting but im a grade A yapper and i will not shut the fuck up about my guys. everyone ask me questions about them forever and ever please 😄 also an apology for if any of this was incomprehensible im currently a little bit maybe possibly High. THANK YOU AGAIN!!!

[silliest-heartaches]

I saw your Errorink headcanons

How do you think they would get along? (Because y'know, he destroys, he protects)

tbh aside from input from the creators that they would be canon friends (IN MY DREAMS) i have a lot of thoughts on why they would make great friends actually:

First of all, there is the idea that they have to make peace with the innevitability that regardless of what they do or how they feel about creation or destruction respectively, the balance will keep itself going purely because thats how creation and destruction of fanprojects irl work!! no amount of encouragemnt from ink or pestering from error are ever going to truly eradicate/permanently keep the growth of creations and aus in the multiverse!! I like to imagine its the same kind of silliness that good omens has (ie angel/demon being friends and maybe lovers just having the oppositr kinda jobs) except they both actually enjoy their jobs lol

I also like to think that the way they view the multiverse is not so black and white as they first may appear!! We already know that error DOES have aus that hes fond of and will not destroy bc he has a certain attachment to it, making us see that he isnt just some mindless killer who destroys for the sake of destroying (i forgot what his actual reason was aside from the anomaly stuff so in my head its bc all the multiverses mess with his code and overload his system which is why he hates anomalies sm ((including original ut funnily enough? Bc ig thats why his suffering happened in the first place (to me at least))) he is just selfish and wants everyone else to adjust to his comfort

For ink, he also views pretty much everything else aside from him as characters, and is thus not as connected to them as you may think. The reasons on why he protects these aus is kind of selfish (to refill his vials + the satisfaction of feeling like a real living being But More compared to other characters within their own universes) despite the good guy facade he tries to make himself have hes also inherrently selfish with his reasonings on why he wants to protect the aus in the first place

(i also wanna say that alongside all of what im saying ink genuinely does hold a lot of love for the aus and has a lot of fondness for certain characters aus etc, but it is very much in a fiction vs reality sorta way, bc thats how he views himself vs every one else)

except error. (well. sort of. but it kinda goes both ways. hes close enough)

tldr despite feeling that they are above it all and seperate from the aus and characters that they create (canon info for both i think) i think they can (and do) acknowlege that the world is bigger than them both despite those feelings and find themselves kindred spirits in the sense that their views and pov of the world is very similar on a base level and see eachother as equals because of it (something i dont really see personally with p much every other sans)

like yes other sanses and characters can be aware of and have beef with the multiverse in whatever way they can but none will ever be as innherently connected to the multiverse and what created them as much as error and ink do,,,bc to most everyone else, it is simply a part of their lives to move through aus with, comapred to errorink having the aus be their reason for existing and acting (the other guys drama being centered around different things much smaller in scale compared to error and inks whole deal being with the entire multiverse as it exists if im making sense)

also also theyre both described as immature and insecure so. i think they can have a lot of fun having childish banter thats cute and for the funsies (both dramatic jokey guys please hear me out)

[toranekooo]

hello it is i i come to clog ur inbox again hope its no issue... THANK U FOR TELLIN ME ABOUT HANIWA IT WASN'T LENGHTY AT ALL it actually left me wanting to know more !!! could u tell me about the idol series......

HIII WELCOME BACK !! im always happy to talk abt haniwa i vibrate ever time i talk abt it yahay!! LETS GET DOWN TO IT THEN !!

the idol series is a branch of honeyworks' confession executive committee, which as opposed to the large majority of their songs that centered on familiar shoujo manga struggles such as love, crushes, terminal illness, talking flowers, and of course, what happens when your crush moves to USA bc he was too stupid to confess — ANYWAY. idol series deals with the struggles and sufferings of idols in the entertainment industry, as well as the relationships they form in and out of their jobs !

idol series primarily centers on lipxlip ! which if you have ever seen me or spoke to me you must be fully aware im not very normal about them and just Talking abt them is one whole post itself so lets just jump over that. pyon~~!

lipxlip are the introductory characters into idol series, with one of its members, aizo, having a branch in the love series through his brother, ken. this shows that both serie are inherently connected and are simply separated by heteronormativity super silly things!

idol series also includes hiyori, lipxlip's manager and classmate who has since earned her own spot as a main character in love series with her own love story with shiranami nagisa — as well as other idols !!

mona is an angel-themed idol who is also the sister of sena narumi, a love series character and partner of midori takamine AND an in-universe media personality !

minami started as a collaboration character with y!mobile where he was introduced as the love interest of nakuru in bae love, and they have since canonized their relationship in ren'ai thru kareshi no shikaku !

another pair of idols are asuka kaido and kanata ichigoya, otherwise known as ASCANA! theyre part of the virtual johnny's project and asuka was a temporary potential love interest for hiyori up until his rejection of her in heroine ikusei keikaku (heroine development plan) . unfortunately, ascana has probably been discontinued bc their seiyuus are part of a much bigger musical group !

last and very expansive idol group (ish) in idol series is full throttle4 ! sometimes abbreviated as ft4, their members go by stage names in english characters. unlike the others, theyre not actually idols ! theyre a music and dance group with their manager as their DJ and leader, IV! rio and yui serve as the vocals while megu and dai are dancers!

note abt ft4 is that their songs tend to deal with heavy subject matter and their theme in itself is much darker than mona's angels or lipxlip's princes, but they have some incredibly interesting stories ^_^

idol series has various other characters from different media and stories: an example is chizuru nakamura or chuutan, the infamous main character of kawaikute gomen and a diehard lipxlip fan ! there's also asuna, mona's rival idol who has done some... cruel things to mona in the watashi idol sengen manga. additionally, various characters voiced by amatsuki often play the role of mona fans, like kobayashi from getsuyoubi no yuutsu! there are more and more but at this point this ask is. Too long already. IM SORRY

i hope this helps!! its 2 am and i needed this out of my system so im answering a bit fast i hope u dont mind 😭

[h0undeye]

raises hand waves waves waves id like to hear abr ur homestuck au

im making the executive decision to put this under a readmore

first things first this takes place centuries into the future of the alternian empire. ive yet to decide if hic is still the reigning empress but. whatever. thats kind of irrelevant and youll see why

the alternian empire has extended FAR. an expansion so vast that its caused a societal AND governmental shift in priorities. further colonization has taken a backburner as scientific advancement has been prioritized

ysee i have a theory that alternian spacecraft literally does not function using electricity and is solely powered by psionic goldbloods. this is due to little details, like planes not having been invented, the idea of electricity powering things being thought of as laughable, etc. so with how great the empire has become, they need to improve

so, the black mesa research facility is founded, directly funded by the empire itself. it is staffed by adult trolls, as there is no longer a need for adults to immediately be shipped off to war

most of the scientists employed end up being cerulean or indigo due to the bias of the empire. the caste system is still very present. further, most of the security being staffed are olive, and its rare to see anyone below such color in the wings of black mesa

enter stage right gordon freeman. hes a bronzeblood, BARELY making it in via recommendation by isaac kleiner, his former mentor. this is where the story is pretty much as we remember. the resonance cascade occurs, gordon fights the creatures of xen, yknow

and so heres the thing. xen is in an entirely different dimension. alternia and xen are not from the same world. thats why xen was not colonized by the empire at all. this is also how alternia avoided detection by the combine. so, similarly to in half life, the portal fuckery between xen and alternia alerted the combine to the existence of the alternian empire. since the combine is so fucking large they do manage to also gain control of the empires colonies (afterall, what they allotted to earth was NOT the full extent of the combines empire). while alternia CERTAINLY wasnt defeated in 7 hours, they most certainly did fall under combine rule eventually. notably, the combines most influential act was the murder of the reigning empress and all other living fuchsias, recognizing how this would destabilize the alternian government (plus most of the few fuchsias in existence had died in the war itself and werent directly executed)

see why i said the empress wouldnt be too important?

narratively, i think this also provides a more,,, natural(?) reason for wallace breen serving as the ambassador for the combine, as alternians would gravitate towards having the next highest caste to rule, and breen is a violet in this au (all colors will be listed at the. hes violet because black mesa is directly ran by the empire so theyd naturally appoint a seadweller to run it)

anyway! when it comes to how alternians FEEL about the combines rule, well. id say theyre just as revolted, if not MORE than humans. theyre really good at PRETENDING theyre happy under these conditions, but the resistance is definitely bigger, not even just because alternia has a larger population, but even when it comes to percent of the population a part of the resistance

WHICH speaking of this leads me to a really shitty transition to talk about SIGNS because i am writing this in chunks and forgot to include it earlier. the combine have also eliminated the use of signs. they represent a level of personality and individuality that just wont fly w the combine. so no one has a sign anymore. EXCEPT the resistance. who have adopted gordons sign instead. for one, gordon freeman is who the combine are wary of the most, so bearing any memento of him is already a huge fuck you. but his SIGN? the most identifiable part of him which is also the aspect of a troll the combine are MOST against? thas rebellion 101 baby

and something of note is that, while casteism is still an issue, its not a fundamental aspect of society. upholding the caste system is pretty much pointless in the current day, HOWEVER, those ideals were instilled so deeply into society that biases and internalized casteism do still exist. SO people are more willing to dawn the sign of a bronze, but that doesnt mean that theyve achieved perfect equality

i think thats enough lore? character time!

first, colors. i'll use the names i use for character tags on here

burgundy: joshua

bronze: gordon freeman, gordon martinis freeman, gordon freemind

gold: alyx vance, russell, tommy coolatta

olive: barney calhoun, barmey calhoun, forzen

jade: gina cross, judith mossman

teal: colette green

cerulean: isaac kleiner, eli vance, darnold pepper

indigo: arne magnusson, adrian shephard, dr coomer, mindrian shephard, all hecu marines excluding forzen

purple: the black ops assassins

violet: wallace breen, bubby

fuchsia: oops! all dead

notable exceptions: g-man (hlvrai and half life) who is not a troll but presents as a tealblood. benrey who is not a troll and presents as olive but can and does change his blood color at will

so what the fuck is up with alyx joshua and tommy i hear you ask?

alyx was a young troll who eli decided to mentor after her lusus died. eli got her into science as a whole, but specifically engineering and mechanics

the g-man found tommy, also with a dead lusus, and thought "this is neat. im keeping him". whatever species g-man is has a concept of family, which g-man teaches to tommy, so tommy is the only one in the group who knows what the word father means

joshua was taken under gordons wing, similarly to alyx and eli, but joshuas lusus is still alive. however, his lusus is sickly and unable to care for joshua on his own, so gordon helps out and also teaches josh cool science things but is not his sole guardian

and yes, this au includes half life, hlvrai, and the mindverse. i imagine this au not being ONE universe, but a collection of universes that are kinda parallel to each other? its like an umbrella au. i dont know if i'll do any crossuniverse shenanigans or not. id probably have to refresh myself on homestuck timeline n multiverse mechanics

ive written so fucking much. i can explain my choice of blood colors but i'll only do that if asked because HOLY SHIT

[abyssalpriest]

So... Yesterday doing that auto-vision work, or more so I guess vision work since it was communicating with Lev...

There's a specific place far outside this galaxy that's "claimed" by him and used by the body he leaves out there (Ahi). It's... I don't know how to measure how long it is. Genuinely, he stretches between stars, but I also call this place the "Garden of Stars" of the "Star Nursery" because it's... either because the stars here are young (i don't think so) and because this is the amniotic outskirts of space, or just the latter. I worry it's just the latter for personal reasons,i would love if these were tiny stars lmfao.

Anyway, he's bigger than stars which I can't measure, and this territory stretches far between them, I know that much. He has an entire network of gates set up up there to access various places in various solar systems... He has a hall of mirrors, effectively a complex set up for divination using the parts of space itself! Kinda like if, say, the Sky Library is an endless hall of mirrors, this is A Few Mirrors... But anyway. It acts on the stretching and movement of points in space itself to... do something that divination is sort of like the baby form of. Kinda like remote viewing, except if what was being viewed wasnt just spacetime but all the subtle forms of reality, strings tying things, etc. He also uses a tonne of stars as gateways themselves, using them to reach into various parts of reality without having to move...

Oh. Anyway. Getting distracted Autism Subject Dumping. My point is I know his territory stretches so far because of all the stuff that's inside it including entire networks of stars

Yeah well... So last night I got to see his territory empty in visions and had the fucking realisation I know what The Milk is. It's him. He is his own territory. He is the ocean the Star-Eater Fish swims in. It's his expulsions and also technically his body!

Which. explains why... when you go there, it's so hard to tell the difference between visions and reality. You see things there that look and feel exactly real and true but theyre entirely false. He's not a fish. You think you finally crack that egg and see the truth of the yolk inside and realise the yolk is also false. So is the egg. You're holding a bird you've just dug into. But that bird isn't real, that bird is actually a feast on the table. And that feast isn't real, you're knees deep in a corpse teeming with parasites. lmfao, starting to realise why when Hermes was giving me god names to take on as seals he gave me "Ahi", not one of Lev's names. oops. same hat

Anyway. He's the ocean he swims in, he's also the sky itself, and hes the milk..... this is......... probably his day sky connection spelled out more literally, he literally is the sky but hes also specifically the scattering vision-inducing substance in it - the day sky is the night sky filled with the Sun. Lev is a sun god. Lev's territory in the night sy is literally filled with him. its day

this is just one of like a million reasons hes the day sky but like. oh boy! thats certainly one of them isnt it

[coldslaws-gear-station]

You're just giving me excuses to ramble on about my AU at this point

Ghetsis actually plays a far bigger role in the story than I had originally let on, there was a dispute between Ghetsis and the Elites due to one of the shadow triad's preferred typing to be fighting. Marshal claimed that he owned the right to be the only fighting type trainer in the entirety of Unova and demanded that they change their typing, however Ghetsis fought against it and eventually it was ruled that not one single person can own a whole type, so they got to keep their role as a fighting type gym leader.

Obviously this pissed the ever loving fuck off Marshal and that made the lives of the other Elites slightly inconvenienced, so they complained to Alder who eventually got fed up with their constant whining and complaining. So he went down to the lab to hopefully convince (bribe/threaten) Ghetsis into changing his mind.

This is where he came into contact with The Valley. The Valley is a place Ghetsis had created within the palace as the pinnacle of his research. Whenever a Pokemon is deposited into the PC System, their pokeballs would be sent through and into a system that would materialise their pokeball and deposit them into the valley. The Valley is a roughly a football field big open field with different small terrariums built for every Pokemon of every type.

There's two sides of The Valley though, there's the side where the Pokemon from the PC reside, and the ones who are simply looking to be adopted and fostered as friends and pets rather than battling machines. That's right, Ghetsis runs a Pokemon foster program, because why not.

It's a good time to mention that if you lose to the Elites and Champion, they take away their Pokemon, deeming them as far too weak to have them in the first place. However when Alder first came into contact with The Valley, he saw the tenderness and loving bonds between Pokemon and humans, something he's completely neglected to understand. He saw the beauty in nature, the simplicity of life, he saw how happy they looked, he's never seen Pokemon so happy before.

He has his epiphany with some gentle nudging from Ghetsis and deemed that the Elites and himself have been incredibly toxic and that they have so much to learn. Though when he came to them with his findings they saw him as simply "going soft" and that he shouldn't be their champion anymore, so they kicked him out completely through the power of mutiny!

Having nowhere to go, he returns to the palace, hoping to plead his case and maybe gain enough sympathy to at least stay the night. However Ghetsis welcomes him with open arms, claiming that everyone deserves a chance to change and grow anew. He stays there for the rest of the first story until the league is eventually set straight by the player (and handcuffs).

Really the only reason why Alder didn't completely waste away in his own self-loathing and pity was because Ghetsis was gentle parenting him into somewhat taking care of himself, though he has six kids so he's probably used to doing that tbh

But this is like a pretty dumbed down summary of the first part of the story. Don't even get me started on the plot I have in regards to BW2, because there we really get to see Ghetsis lose all of his fucking patience lol

- 💌

yea. and. i like your ideas they're cool /th

marshal you Dick. me when i freaking get you. leave the triad ALONE theyre just little guys :(

honestly i love ghetsis here he sounds really cool.. between being a professor and the valley stuff. like. that's SICK. im so used to shitty ghetsis though that i read the entirety of that with a nervous side eye waiting for a secret evil twist despite the concept being "unova upside down" so like. of course ghetsis can be genuinely good here.

im throwing hands with the e4 btw i don't care if caitlin and marshal could break me in half i can at least get grimsley. maybe shauntal too. and SIX KIDS??? HEY???? WANNA ELABORATE?

bw2.. o_o should i be scared

[ligayagardener]

Avena sativa (Wild Oats) It’s Oat time! Wild Oats (we often call them ‘Milky Oats’ in herbalism) are an awesome restorative for exhausted bodies and souls. The grass is rich in water soluble minerals (particularly silica which forms much of the structure of the herb and those (sometimes) sharp hairs that grasses have. We have two varieties around Gawler – the larger Avena sativa and a smaller one that I’m pretty sure is Avena fatua. Commercially (and hopefully organically) grown Oats are bigger, juicier versions of Avena sativa. The most famous part of oat grasses is the milky goo that you can find in the seeds just before they ripen. It’s why theyre called ‘Milky Oats’. This is the immature endosperm of the seed and is herbally used as, probably the best, nervous system restorative available. Something more and more needed in these troubles times when it seems that we just can’t switch off. As a Bach Flower Essence  Wild Oat helps our true calling to come forth and helps us to align more strongly with what we are really here for. This too can strengthen us as we drop habits and outlooks that may have been dreaining energy from our body and soul without being wholly beneficial. It was Wild Oats that helped me decide to study for an herbal qualification. Avena fatua (probably) is another Wd Oatgrass that is prevalent around this way. Using them You can tincture fresh Wild Oats when before they are ripe, when you can press one and squeeze out a little glob of milky goo. This is the most potent way to utilise their nervine restorative properties. The other way to use them us to dry the whole plant and then make a strong infusion out of them. This extracts moat of the water soluble minerals from the herb. If you add a little vinegar, it helps extract a liitle more. Macerating the dry herbs in vinegar makes a mineral rich aceta that combines nicely with Mugwort to increase the effectiveness of Strong Bones Vinegar.

[teenangstenthusiast]

ive probably said this before but i think ppl especially on tumblr have this tendency in identity politics to view everything a person does as having to be like, a symbolic political gesture against The System & criticizes ppl who use microlabels or whatever bc they think that their identities arent counter-cultural enough . but like most of the time ppl's identities arent trying to be like, big statements, theyre just labels that individual person relates to & wants to use . it doesnt have to be anything bigger than that . & besides i really doubt that some random queer person who uses microlabels is the one whos enforcing heteropatriarchal social norms. like i wouldnt say that theyre the ones you should be focusing on about that

& also like. theres this language the ppl who have this mindset use like they think ppl with microlabels are trying to get everyone else to do the same thing when that just isnt true ? like of course there are gonna be some assholes online but for the most part it just doesnt happen . no one is forcing you at gunpoint to call yourself demisexual just because thats a label they use . i feel like the internet would be a much better place if ppl stopped putting so much symbolic value onto things that individual ppl do . maybe theyre not trying to start a social movement maybe theyre just being themselves .

tldr its ok to not label yourself or only prefer to use a few labels or if you like to use many labels . youre not a bad person or like, a fucking class traitor for doing that

[t4tdanvis]

very sorry if this is a dumb question but may I ask why you’re pro-endo? As a gender accelerationist I’m 100% for mspecs but endo systems are one thing I’ve heard of that really confuses me

i have no idea what gender accelerationist means 😭 /lh

but anyways, we used to be really pro-endo, and then we became really anti-endo (for like... a couple weeks? a month? cant remember exactly lol), and then now were once again pro-endo. this means weve seen all the different sides of the argument (even ones from communities we... really wished we hadnt ever been a part of - iykyk)

and yknow what? at the end of the day, it really doesnt matter. the only time ive ever had a mental health professional use endo systems/"fakers" as an argument against us having DID was from a mental health professional that said i was "too young" to know... basically anything about myself (including but not limited to being autistc, intersex, depressed, and having PTSD). that same mental health professional also said that i couldnt have DID bc i "remembered my trauma too well", so... given that no pro-endo mental health professional has ever acted that way, its a bit telling about the ideology as a whole, yknow?

anti-endo culture centers around fakeclaiming, hypermedicalization of absolutely everything, and being a Super Special Community Of Unique Special People that no one could ever understand or be a part of without checking off an entire list of boxes (and if u dont fit every single one of those boxes, ur a faker and ur harming the community and ur basically as bad as a literal fascist). i would know because ive been in several anti-endo servers, and i used to have anti-endo friends. sure, theyll deny this to hell and back, but when u actually go deeper into their communities, the nice and kind and accepting people are a very rare exception

i personally think that u dont know better than someone else about whats going on in their head. u have literally no way to tell if someone is faking or not, and fakeclaiming only hurts people who arent actually faking (an actual faker knows theyre faking, and will continue to do so regardless of how many times u tell them that theyre faking)

u just have to ask urself "is this person actually causing any harm?". u being made uncomfortable or upset by their very existence is not harm. some random 14 year old on the internet saying theyre a system without trauma is actually not hurting anyone. it is not misinformation or harm to just. have a different worldview, yknow? there are far bigger problems in the world than a pretty small online community. someone identifying as endogenic does not make them as bad as a Literal Nazi

not to mention there are so many things we dont know about when it comes to the human brain. systems have been barely studied at all. acting like its just Impossible for anything to exist outside of a very strict definition of systemhood is just. stupid. bc how do u know?? did u do literally any studies on it?? no u didnt bc barely anyone has!! and in fact professionals state that non-traumagenic plurality DOES exist - people just like to ignore that part in the dsm-v (or claim that it means something entirely different, which it doesnt, its pretty clear lmao)

tl;dr: u can do what u want forever idc 👍

[glitchdollmemoria]

trauma + addiction vent under the cut because im sooo shyyyy lol

letting myself start to accept that maybe psychosis has been traumatic for me, both my most recent episode that i still sort of feel like im running away from, and growing up psychotic without any support system. like... yeah, it was probably traumatic to constantly feel unsafe and be convinced that i had no privacy from people who wanted me to hurt and to feel like i was the only person who knew that the world was fake. that combined with a lot of other things that i probably havent fully been letting myself think of as trauma, it makes sense id be smoking so much even though things are getting better. i dont think ill ever let go of my obsession with time though and maybe this all feeds into it. the past is heavy and time keeps passing and im learning to exist in the same time as everyone else but im not very good at it yet. i kind of keep wondering if i was right that the world is fake, and that maybe im still being observed but i just cant communicate with my observers anymore. a part of me misses them like some sort of stockholm syndrome type of shit. and im able to recognize that my worries stem from schizophrenia, and i have to accept that im going to be schizophrenic forever and will probably always experience at least SOME symptoms, staring and going quiet and worrying about something bigger than me watching me. i should probably throw myself into Torah study since i know that helps me stay evened out.

i just dont know how the hell im supposed to cope with the fact that things finally feel real. i look at people and theyre real. the trees are growing and theyre real. the mountains are real. insects are real. everything is real and breathing the same air as me. and its foreign to me. j dont think my brain knows hoe to handle reality, because i was never able to handle it on my own, and now that im recovering, theres no textbook for existing in reality. im in a reality that was never mine but im also always going to have a different reality from everyone else because my own psychotic reality of the past shaped who i am today. its scary. i think people assume recovery from psychosis means everything suddenly feels okay but its deeply unsettling, even if im glad to be doing better.

and im loved. i am a whole person who is loved by my friends. my friends love me as a very mentally ill person struggling to heal, and im grateful for that, but i think its just so strange to me. theyre real and im real and they love me and i love them. and my love is enough for them. i got told that a certain someone is more comfortable being affectionate with me than most other people. it knows so much about me already. it was there when i was maybe the most psychotic ive ever been in my life. its been there as ive been recovering from a trauma that it just barely missed out on being a part of. i mean something to it and it means something to me. and its real. theres a real person who loves me, platonically. im a real person who loves it. i dont know what to make of all this or what point im dancing around. im scared and traumatized and loved and i will never truly be in the exact same reality as him but at the same time, here i fucking am, loving and being loved. it doesnt make sense.

i think a large part of me wants to protect him and my other friends from the things ive experienced. ive been realizing more and more that like... yeah, no, all the trauma ive been through isnt "normal". ive been living a rough life and it made me rough and now i just want to protect these people that i see as so soft. maybe thats self centered though, maybe its just that people dont talk about these things and im underestimating my loved ones, but, im someone who basically doesnt have a family, has a thousand fucking comorbidities, has learned to cheat and manipulate to survive, has become so jaded by other people and the powers that be. the only reason i dont carry a knife is because i dont trust cops not to frame me for some shit. and i see myself as this tough guy guardian angel willing to sacrifice my own safety to protect the people i care about, i see myself as stronger than everyone else and more capable of taking a hit mentally or physically, because ive been through hell and survived so i feel like i can survive anything while i worry about how my friends would be able to handle the same things. i dont think i actually see myself as a person so much as a guard dog. i dont know if its healthy because i think i struggle to acknowledge my own trauma and hurt. i hate admitting it even on here. i want to just see the bright side of all my suffering and look at my victory and resilience and turn myself into a weapon to defend my loved ones. and then i turn around and smoke and then try to play off my smoking as something cool and sexy and not a big deal. and like, ill mention something thats just a fact of life for me - ill mention having no contact with my family, or growing up schizophrenic, or whatever else, and people seem sad for me and i get reminded that my experiences arent "normal" at all, and the things i consider facts of life arent things i should have had to go through, and other people cant always relate to. i really am some edgy rough-around-the-edges skeptic even if i still hold onto the days when i was a little goody two shoes with financial stability living in denial of my own trauma. but im still in denial of my own trauma. bit fucked innit