#they're seeing all the broken shit
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Tfw you need to talk to a guy who is literally in the room, but he's doing that whispering thing with the other coworkers where they're probably just hanging out and talking about non work related things. I would rather wait for him to walk out of the room and send an email than try to find a pause in their extremely quiet conversation. Especially when they get even quieter when they notice me nearby. 🤔
#ooc#it was probably just a completely natural reaction to not wanting a random bystander to hear a personal conversation#but anxiety still makes me feel bad#like I've done something to somehow embarrass myself#also worried I'm face blind and pulled the wrong guy again#he's got a moustache in outlook but irl he doesn't and#i was right. he was That Guy#and if i didn't embarrass myself before I surely did now#i really had to ask him if he was the same guy#yeah i think i get why#the facade is failing#they're seeing all the broken shit#there is no going back once they see that. i just gotta leave#I'll go somewhere else and do way better next time
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mr spices and mr wines. also mr candles and mr veils.
have you ever seen that one tumblr post that's like. "i don't ship these characters i just think they belong in couples therapy together". yeah. that's pretty much my stance on most spacebat ships
#the hearts on the veils/candles bingo are broken bc. well. yknow#ask#i do have slightly different outlooks on both of them#spwines is basically just canon to me in a divorced way. like. i dont think they're romantic. but i Do think they're infinitely divorced#the spwines divorce is extremely real#soulmates that will find each other in every universe type shit. except the soulmates is being Exes™ in every universe#their constant bickering is amusing and im delighted everytime they show up together bc without fail they argue. and it's enrichment for me#i just know the scoundrel is involving herself in the spwines divorce war on the side of mr wines#(she really needs better things to do with her time)#fallen london#veils/candles on the other hand i dont really actively ship? i think it's an intriguing prospect#i like seeing interpretations of their dynamic#but i dont think they necessarily ever had a relationship like that. and if they ever did. well. it's a bit fucked up now isnt it#the tragedy of candles is definitely a lot more tragic if you interpret him and veils as being Close. but i think of it as extra spice#on top of an already delicious dish#yknow?#that being said. they're kind of on the same Extreme Divorced wavelength as spwines. albeit obviously in a VERY different way#i think the most karmically fitting fate for veils is being tormented by its sins (particularly towards candles) for all eternity#and like. that's a ship. in a way. of a sort.#veils alone with the corpse it lovingly handcrafted and left to rot at the bottom of a well#it's the classic disney villain ending where the antagonist gets literally dragged away and punished by their victims#which is all to say#that one bag a legend text where veils is speaking to someone you cant see and it's Afraid. that's delicious#i love it being tormented like that and we all should hold candles over its head forever and ever
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you ever write up a combination of words you're really proud of at the time bc you think it's vivid but it's actually so atrocious that you remember it eight years later bc it's burned itself into your long-term memory? just me?
#i'm literally laughing my entire ass off rn. i can't believe i found this fic i wrote at 15 and orphaned when i came to my senses abt both#my complete inability and total aversion to writing first person as well as the fact that the english language should never have been#subjected to its words being done dirty like this 😭#also i straight up fucking LIED in the authors note??? i said i'd broken my knee as a kid which is categorically false. i fell down some#stairs and banged it up and it's a tiny bit weak ig but i didn't break it? all any teens born after y2k know is eat hot chip and lie...#still not over the first line... the flip flop bit i remembered but i'd COMPLETELY forgotten 'a shriek seeped out of my throat'. girl. what.#how does a shriek seep exactly? the world may never know...#and the use of 'groped' is also sending me 😭 AND 'crash bash whump thump' girlllll send help holy shit i can't stop coughing & laughing#the rest of the fic isn't quite this bad but it's very purple yet ineloquent and rough. it's a good reminder of how much i've improved and#honestly i'd rather read this utterly amature fic bc it's at least charming in its lack of skill rather than infuriating like some of my#oneshots that are still on my page bc they're more comprehensible but just bad enough to make me cringe. getting mad at this oneshot would#be like getting bad at a kid's stick figure drawing. like. it's just kinda cute to see someone starting out on their creative journey#my old sw oneshots on the other hand are like the awkward growing pains of puberty. you just can't help but wince at the reminder#this is okay to reblog btw bc it's objectively hilarious and i don't mind ppl finding humor in it#len speaks
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FINALLY finished my outline for prodigal son it’s going to end up way longer than i planned </3
#there’s so much i’m trying to get across without making it ridiculously long#i’m like. trying to make it clear that malc isn’t the driving force here#because he’s a bit older than jamie and jamie’s only eighteen and pretty sheltered so it could seem dodgy#and don't get me wrong i'm not going to NOT write something just because it's objectively shady especially for ttoi#but it’s not like malcolm swoops in and initiates everything. that wouldn't fit the characters#jamie’s a determined wee shit and he’s fucking relentless when he wants to be#it’s more a case of malcolm caving and agreeing to let him into His World as it were#and jamie’s always had this anger and this rebellious streak that leaves him susceptible to doing shady shit#he’s not a kid he’s making his own decisions malc’s just here for the ride#and also like. jamie SEEMS like he’s losing his faith at points but it’s actually getting stronger#i don’t want it to seem like he’s given up god for the sake of following malcolm#he’s just making peace with the fact that his god and the christian god don’t align too well#it's kind of like. malcolm is partly helping him be more honest and brave and do some good in the world#but he's also partly (mostly unknowingly) being a genuinely bad influence too#but all the bad shit jamie's going to end up doing comes from himself. it was already there#because i see jamie and malc as huge enablers for each other. it's their whole thing#and i think it's interesting to show them in my fic being (for the time) very radical and rebellious#and it stems from a genuine desire to a) do good in the world and help people and b) break themselves out of the working class bubble#but by the time they reach canon that has manifested into something quite horrible#their rebellion and radicalism is now used to do bad things that don't even justify the end goal anymore#and now they've broken out the working class bubble they're just playing into the toxic westminster mindset#because that's the only way you survive in the game (or at least in malcolm's case. he ends up with no spine)#because he's willing to abandon his principles if it keeps him and the party in power#and at some point down the line the good intentions get lost to his own ego and need for control#anyway i'm normal#ttoi
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I'm sorry I've been so angry lately
I just have a lot of feelings about op I only know how to express them though anger and personal attacks because it's feels better than the alternative of crushing despair and hopelessness in the face of insurmountable odds and unimaginable horrors and the worst of humanity :(
I WANNA GO BACK TO WANO!! 😭
(read tags for further traumadump)
#one piece#my stuff#vent#eiichiro oda#one piece manga#op manga#egghead arc#EVERYTHING IS JUST SO FUCKING BLEAK AND ALL MY FAVES ARE DEAD😭#ITS JUST TOO MUCH BAD SHIT#EVERYTHING ABOUT JUST JUST FUCKS ME UP [derogatory]#HER CONCEPTION IS MY WOST NIGHTMARE#HICH BEING R@PED AND IMPREGNATED#AND THEN FORCED TO RAISE THE PERSON WHO VIOLATED ME'S OFFSPRING🤮#AND SHE'S FUCKING 12#AND SHE'S SEXUALIZED IN HER ADULT FORM🤮#EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS FUCKING ARC HAS ACTUALLY BROKEN MY MIND AND TRAUMATIzED ME TO MY CORE#AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE GOROSEI#THEY MAKE WANNA KMS LIKE A CHARACTER IN BIRD BOX AFTER SEEING THE MONSTER#THEY'RE THAT HORRYFYING😭#IT'S TOO MUCH FOR MY FRAGILE MIND TO TAKE#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
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#I know it may sound dramatic but#I am very selective with people I follow#Because I want to avoid specific stuff from getting to me#Before I decide to follow you I check very carefully#And if I do I will trust you#As in i will trust that you won't post about that specific stuff I hate#Because I went back a a lot on your blog looking for it and didn't find it#So I think yeah they're trustworthy#I get comfortable#I find them in my dash thinking yeah they're a good one!#So having one of those blogs suddenly reblog one of the things I specifically wanted to avoid#Is a bigger deal that it seems#My trust is broken#I won't see them the same way anymore#And what do I do? It's a first time do i let it slide?#Yet they tagged the thing and that means they might want to keep traco of it#Do I unfollow?#I don't want that shit in my dash#If it was for me it just shouldn't exist at all#I hate this#Rant
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oh shit yeah grimm and yarrow are exes to lovers huh
#tbf i don't rly think of my writing in tropes. even then exes to lovers doesn't cross my mind as often as friends- or enemies- to lovers#as in it's like. slightly less common? idfk i don't pay all that much attention to that. it's also not a trope i inherently jump at as#someone who personally does not find the thought of getting back with an ex remotely appealing#however. when my characters are stupid about these things...#i think it didn't cross my mind bc they don't. formally break up so i kinda forgot they're technically exes at the beginning of p2#it's like 'i need to fucking book it bc i killed a guy and his guys want my head for that but i'll come back [doesn't do that for. five#years and mostly comes back bc they're out of options]' not 'it's fucking over' yknow?#their relationship by the end of p1 is kind of funky though. it's absolutely romantic in nature but grimm is. kind of a mess bc it's got#this tension of wanting to simultaneously get close to someone and not let them in so the two of them actually don't get all that far?#they're both too afraid to have sex about it that's for sure#i'm not even sure what they call their relationship at that point either. for grimm's sake i don't think they'd really call it anything#in essence it ends with a lot of broken promises that weren't quite promises yknow?#if grimm hadn't booked it i think eventually the two of them might've sorted out their shit but also there's a v high chance grimm would've#fucked things over for good. actually now that i think about it they probably would have run off at some other point#i also think it's important for yarrow's development that grimm fucked off. gotta add some bitterness to that mixture there#you see the five years between p1 and p2 are essential for character development. they gotta marinate in who the fuck they are#make themselves a bit better. make themselves a bit worse. date someone else for a year or so. as it goes#i'm fully rambling here but. what the fuck ever that's what this blog is for#at all times i want to talk about my characters. i only occasionally find a way to make it into a post#grimmyarrow
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I feel like "do you feel an accomplishment after completing a task" discourse is going the way of so many, where people who claim not to feel this are deciding they're the perfect ones to explain how they believe it would feel and ascribing an exaggerated level of emotion that few people ever reach, which means that more people read those posts and decide they also must not feel Sense Of Accomplishment Emotion: The Ticker Tape Parade when in fact everyone involved does, it's just small and weak bc they don't nurture that feeling and instead as soon as they complete a task they wallow over their belief that they're chemically incapable of being happy for themselves
#STOP INVENTING SYMPTOMS THROUGH INTERNET TELEPHONE#cassidy.txt#like this is just. this is not a good thing to Collectively Decide simply must be true#'oh tiktok and their making up shit about disorders haha' it's not okay just bc it's not on tiktok#if you don't feel accomplished after completing tasks there is probably many things you can do to better feel that#the answer is not 'I've decided based on this unsourced post that having ADHD means my brain is broken and there's nothing to be done'#like. ugh. I'm sorry but you have to be more credulous about information that feeds into a doomer mindset#it is a KNOWN THING that negative things feel more true because biologically it is important to remember and learn from negative things#and I see people swayed by it on here constantly while also mocking zoomers for believing everything they read online#I'm sure a variety of conditions impact how people feel that emotion#but the breakneck speed at which people have decided autism and ADHD just. can't feel happy after doing something??? is literally insane#and blatantly untrue. but it makes people feel justified in not doing the dishes so whatever#when I don't feel accomplished it's bc I procrastinated and it was super stressful but I'm not going to call that Symptom lmao#I'd have so much less of an issue w these posts if they were all sharing how to overcome it#but instead they're largely like 'I don't feel that emotion therefore it is ableist to expect me to do Anything'#and no it isn't. it means you do it bored and then reward yourself later
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I genuinely was not expecting to cry during the series finale of Young Royals but I cried like 4 times and straight-up sobbed through the end my GOD I've had lots of feelings about this show but the ending is what we all deserve, especially these characters.
#i hadn't cried at all up to this point and was like 'maybe i'm just not as emotionally invested' but NOPE all the feels tonight my friends#young royals#yr s3 spoilers#wille just was immediately so free and happy#when he told his mom#and sara and felice made up <3#the way their love is treated as equal to simon/wille's makes my aroace heart full#and all simon ever wanted was for wille to stop getting in the way of his own happiness#and couldn't be happy with him in their current situation#and my god they still have work ahead of them but they can actually work through their shit now#they're not STUCK in the oppressive system#i knew the second wille dumped the broken snowglobe in the trash that we were in for a treat#AB! DI! CATE!#AB! DI! CATE!!#i was not ready to see the biggest smile on wille's face#like we've never seen before even in the happy moments with simon#my heart is so full
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#i think one of the things that i really enjoy being on here is the majority of us stuck around tumblr and didnt migrate#because we genuinely just love shooting the shit about her and her songs and her mythology#creating content and engaging in (sometimes) good hearted debates#and the one good thing is most people on here are at least 8/10+ year fans of hers so you're talking to people who#deeply appreciate her as an artist and a public figure#and aren't looking for attention really and in fact would loathe her return to the platform because#this atmosphere is really nice when it's this and it's mostly nice cuz she's not here#(for the most part like OBVIOUSLY some brain diseases never leave people just cuz she left and we all avoid you people)#but i think my favorite part is that this environment allows me to easily find people who are the true two feet on the ground people like m#who are ok talking about her as the business woman that she is. shrewd and calculating and#how that's not a value judgement or a character judgement. this is her JOB and it requires certain mental and emotional relationships#that she doesn't want fans to be aware of but they are the reality and duh they're hidden BECAUSE that would ruin the way the#entire machine functions like i know i know#but i didn't realize how far and few swifites who can enjoy her and see her for what she is and appreciate WHY that is are and not be#personally offended like thank god she's not here cuz idk how i would have found those people#also i'm over the moon she's (temporarily at least) done with the M&G shit cuz the wars that would have broken out between the#new tiktok fans and the tumblr old guard...... i would have perhaps left this platform entirely#i couldn't take it during rep and that was just about whether or not you deserved to be a FAN because of an album concept#swifties at their worst and most cult like loyalty that never turned me off swiftie fandom faster#and now that there is a HUGE divide.... i already know who taylor would choose for m&gs and i know WHY and it's not like evil#but the effect it would have on legacy fans....... there would be never a worse time in swiftie history so thank GOD for this#so i can keep blogging about my hot wife and her top tier songwriting and my love of pattern recognition#IN PEACE#idk what this was all about but i just like had to brain dump i guess anyway love all of you my smart normal grown up friends on here
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wow, mockingjay was. much more violent and gory than i remembered
#in my defense the last time i've read this book i was. 20 maybe? so almost 10 years ago#i watched pt 2 a few years after it came out#tho it's still not as... vivid and terrifying as the book is#one thing collins always stands out for among ya writers is her descriptions of ptsd symptoms and grief#and war and its awful consequences are well-written. maybe bcs we see it all through katniss' pov but imo they really get you#inside this world of horror and devastation this poor girl is living in (god. no wonder she's so broken!)#i think this is something that was lacking in tbosas (for plot reasons)#and it was sorely missed because it's one of the highlights of the series and as i stated above#one of collins' strengths as a writer imo#she doesn't perform as well when she's delving into complex philosophy about good and evil (she doesn't get above what's basic)#and villain origin stories despite all tbosas' potential. they're a different beast to tackle#just imo obv. tho as you can see from my pfp i still ate the shit out of that movie lmao#val rereads thg#val speaks#txt
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watching taxi driver but what i am actually seeing is the elaborate alternate version im constructing in my head where lucifer has to escort sam through hell in order to save bela, who didn't deserve the fate she got, and sam is so filled with hope that he can right this wrong and complete the trial and then when they get there she's a demon <3
#'escorts' thats what lucifer intends to do anyway but it turns out that hell Likes sam#hell wants to be what sam wants. it will shape itself for him.#sam wants hallways and easy to find souls? sam is getting hallways and easy to find souls#and cages of course. sam expects cages. so there are cages.#anyway. cue lucifer getting increasingly upset that hell is out of his control. because it isn't fully in sam's either.#meaning they're both in a pretty vulnerable position. lucifer less so he could break out of this pit. not the cage but regular hell? easy.#but sam could get snagged on something on the way out. torn to bits. eaten alive. and lucifer doesn't want that.#anyway back to bela. they do find her. she's long since turned to a demon. it's a way of survival down here and she survives#and she doesn't fucking want sam to help her. in her own words she'd say how she's nearly clawed her way out of the pit herself#that sam wants to take her deeper in to take her out and fuck that she's almost made it on her own#and add to that that a demon aint going to heaven. so now what.#(well now is the time for arguing and sam being like We Don't Have Time And I Can't Leave You Behind Without Being Broken By Guilt.#lucifer (not helpful): what if i just catch her and drag her out. || Sam & Bela: NO.#i do think bela accompanies them out i think she sees that she has to#(forgot to mention. bobby is not in hell in this au. because we don't need him to save.)#anyway my point MY POINT is. they still need to save Someone. and sam's like. who am i supposed to find.#the answer is jake talley btw. who has not broken to hell in all this time. and is quite despised by the current leadership.#(also. down the bloodline to be a potential lucifer vessel. so when lucifer sees him he goes <3 hiiiii.)#and all four of them dig their way out of the pit. jake goes to heaven. he and sam have A Moment.#and bela is like cool :) thanks :) now fuck off and leave me alone i hate you die and goes to do demon shit#idk. thoughts.
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rolling khan meeting emmet in the future around in my head
#really i just am thinking about emmet running to give ingo a hug#excited to see his brother!!!! he's back!!! he's not dead!!!#and there's a child as well? cool!!!#and then he sees khan#with broken horns and scars all over and fangies#and he looks at ingo and goes 'what the fuck is that :>'#not impolitely!!!#he's just wondering where the hell ingo picked khan up from like#bro??? he's got horns and big fuck off fangs and the grumpiest bitchface???#khan doesn't like emmet in the beginning (bc khan doesnt like ANYONE in the beginning)#but emmet being a) a younger brother and b) a little shit makes him grow on khan#ingo is irritated that khan got along with emmet faster and better than he got along w ingo#but also. at least they're getting along!!#khan only tried to bite emmet ONCE and that's bc emmet woke him up w an airhorn so like. fair.#khan a.#post hisui
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swear to god if i open a fanfic ONE MORE TIME only to be greeted with an author's note saying "i asked chatgpt to tell me a story about-" i am going to go fucking NUCLEAR
#it's NEVER tagged!!!#i am so sick and FUCKING tired of hearing about chat bot shit. it's irresponsible tech that is only gonna help spread misinformation#/be used as a tool by corporate America to crank out shitty computer generated content#bc anything is better than having to hire people and pay them what they're worth am i right guys!#my job won't shut up about chatgpt i don't wanna have to see this shit on AO3 dot gov! please! is anything sacred!#I've already started running into endless variations of the same regurgitated paraphrased clearly AI-written garbage misinformation article#half of the time whenever i try to google something! i just keep getting AI generated garbage instead of any actual helpful information#side note: is Google like... super fucking broken for anyone else in terms of 'i can't find any useful information about anything anymore'?#or is it just me?#but AUGH. tech bros will be our downfall i swear to god#keep the AI shit out of art and creative endeavors it's a slippery slope and it's not leading anywhere good#this is fucking nfts all over again#or at LEAST if you're gonna be posting chat gpt prompts to ao3 fucking TAG THEM AS SUCH#I'm at the point where i hear someone say AI or chatgpt in an excited tone of voice#and i just consider it an immediate red flag#I'll delete this later it's unnecessarily cunty and i realize that but my GOD im sick of it#is it not enough that all of these writing bots are training on ao3 fics without the authors consent or permission?#now we have to encourage it by putting AI shit on there to begin with?
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Marecal star wars au story??? mare a rebel, maven as a sith and cal a padawan
NONNIE. YOu CAnOT COmBINE My TWo HYpERFIXaTiOnS LIKe THIS. There is too much happening there. My little washing machine mind would break while I wrote that story XDD. It's too mUCh.
#(*ask lily*)#(*shut up lily*)#red queen#glass sword#kings cage#war storm#broken throne#post broken throne#listen Cal would have to an imperial who is bais to the Alliance's position#like he can see where they're coming from but the only way to maintain order in the galaxy#is with force like the Empire brings to bear#and Mare and all of them are 100% part of the Alliance fighting to end the Empire#and she ends up on a mission where she runs into Cal and has to play it cool#but the two of them end up realizing the other is *not that bad"#but shit happen#and yes#Maven would be an Imperial as well#but no one knows he a Sith until its too late and he's betraying them all#LISTEN#LISTEN I HAVE TO STOP#I just finished my yearly reread of the best star fic series every written#cause I have to read it at least once a year to keep my sanity#and I have too many ideas#it always jogs my creative juices cause it is just that fucking good of a fic#I mean the layers and shit#I dream to write a story as well written and planned as that fucking thing
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for the last few days we've basically been unable to actually get anything done until after midnight because for the first 8 hours after waking up we're so brain foggy and fatigued we end up having to lay down and then usually end up just falling asleep again.
I don't know why we start to feel a bit better and actually able to do some things for a few hours after midnight but it means we only really get a few hours to do any of the things we want or need to do, and that's if stuff like executive dysfunction doesn't get in the way.
but anyway we have to wake up 4 hours early tomorrow to go outside which is innevitably going to make us feel even worse afterwards, and I'm dreading it but given that it's a dentist appointment we should have had a month ago, and our teeth are absolutely fucked, we can't really afford to postpone it any longer
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#I'm also dreading what they're going to recommend in terms of treatment#because two of the teeth have cavities right on the gumline and I get the feeling they'll need to be removed#I can't really see any way to fix them properly at this point especially when they've already had fillings for years#and those fillings have had to be replaced in the past because parts of the tooth broke off and shit like that#plus there are other teeth that are really painful and sensitive and it's just a nightmare all round#last time we went the dentist fixed a broken tooth and it's been significantly more painful ever since#our teeth are absolutely fucked and have been for as long as any of us can remember
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