#they're not landing any of the jokes! they didn't even do the dick joke with the 'that your family tree would always be a barren one'

[lewis-winters]

Hiii you’re like the person I trust the most to give me band of brothers analysis lol so I wanted to ask about the tension between dick and lew in crossroads. I’m not sure if I’m misinterpreting it or if I missed out on an important detail but the whole interaction where moose and lew go bug dick while he’s writing up his reports confuses me. I get Dick doesn’t want to be behind a desk and wants to be leading easy company again but once moose leaves it looks to me as though dicks’ question about the intelligence being any good ticks him off, prompting him to make the comment about the bacon sandwiches. Do you mind sharing what you think is going on between them here? Both canonically and your interpretation

Sure!

Canonically: Lew is ticked off because he's S2. Intelligence is literally his whole job, and Dick is questioning how well he's done it.

My interpretation (which is largely informed by canonical interpretation): some of the tension of this scene is definitely because Moose is handling the company now, and Dick is stuck behind a desk. You're correct on that one. I think it's a little exacerbated by Lew coming in and making jokes about it-- which is quite an anomaly, since we've seen Dick laugh at Lew's jokes before, even if they're at his expense. But even when you bear that in mind, he's not REALLY that annoyed at Nix yet. He snarks at him a bit, but other than that, he's really just sulky. He'd been bared from the details of almost everything but logistics, and on top of that is having to write a report he really doesn't want to write. Furthermore, he's annoyed at the learning curve of being behind the desk-- you could see it with his discomfort with the aide assigned to him, and with how Zielinski has to hover over him and teach him where to sign or where to write etc (though that's later in the episode). Our poor Richard is a jock, through and through. I'm willing to bet he'd rather be outside using his body instead of waiting behind a desk. But, bless him, he's taking it in stride and really just pouting.

Then, he changes his tune when he finds out Moose is leading the company out on Operation Pegasus. He becomes MORE anxious. He forgets what he's sulking about and immediately starts talking strategy. Those are his boys! He wants to look out for his boys!

And Nix can tell. You can see his face falls when Dick starts asking after times and places. So, he goes over there and tries to calm him while also rescuing Moose from Dick being too overbearing.

AND THEN Dick asks after the integrity of the intelligence Nix has.

Remember how, in the battle prior, on the titular Crossroads, they ran into a whole-ass company of SS? That could, arguably, be Lew's fault. It's his job, as Intelligence Officer (that's what S2 is-- though irl it's kinda conflicting because some sources say he was S3 around this time, not S2, but in the show he is, so we'll talk about that) to KNOW what's there, right? So he could warn the platoon walking into a battle that what they're facing isn't just another platoon, but a whole company.

But here's the thing: I only said arguably. In reality, sometimes intelligence is just wrong.

Other times, intelligence expires. Maybe Lew knew that it was just a platoon the day before, right before Alley and co. were attacked (evidence: Tab knew what was beyond the crest of the hill when Dick asked him, meaning that there was a briefing amongst the NCOs that happened about the lay of the land before they settled in that place-- Nix would've lead that, as S2), but come morning of the next day, he didn't know that said platoon had called for backup, and are now a company. Other other times, maybe there's no intelligence at all, and they all have to make do with expired intelligence. That's just one way things could've gone wrong.

Dick knows that. Lew knows that. There is a margin of error in intelligence that should be accounted for.

But I'm willing to bet Lew feels guilty about it, anyway, so he gets a little defensive; "I think it's pretty good." And then when Dick presses, he goes right for the kill, and hits a sore spot; "Why don't you ask Moose when he comes back?" and even when Dick STILL presses, though little more gently, with; "tell me if anything goes wrong," Lew bites back still; "yeah tell me if you see any bacon sandiwches [that I asked your orderly for]."

Which is him effectively telling Dick to mind his own business-- which is. Behind a desk and with Zielinski.

That being said, I don't think asking after the integrity of Lew's intelligence is bad or malicious because the lack of it DID lead to the previous blindsiding of Dick's platoon. He really is just worried about Easy. And I don't think Lew getting defensive about the intelligence is bad, either-- intelligence is SO fickle, you have no idea. Especially in an active warzone. You will get things wrong sometimes, and people will blame you. No use rubbing it in.

But also? Dick chose to charge into said company with NO new intelligence at all. Like. Richard. Dick. You came up with that attack on the fly. Were you even in communication with Nix while you were doing it? George is literally right there with the radio, Richard, did you ASK him????) I know the show paints that attack as necessary and also a success, but if you read Parachute Infantry, David Webster thought that attack was risky and uninformed. It makes you think, ya know? Biases, biases.

^^ THAT is most definitely for a whole separate post lmaoooo

Anyway. TL;DR: I think Lew was a little ashamed and guilty about not having had the intelligence Dick needed on hand (to know that he isn't running headfirst into a company of SS) before and got a little defensive when Dick brought it up. So he drops the jokey façade for a minute and does his own lashing out (to the extent that he allows himself to lash out at Dick, anyway-- which, btw? we need to talk about bc the way Dick lashes out at Nix is VERY different to how Nix lashes out at Dick and it's so INTERESTING).

They both apologize, though. Non-verbally, at least, when Nix comes back up for the VAT69 and Dick allows him. Mm. Love Winnix. Love when they say so much shit but never anything they actually mean. Kings of passive aggression and double entendre. Love that for them.

shameless plug: if you like meta posts check out my #bob meta tag for all your meta needs!

[brighteyedbushybrowed]

hi hi! I was wondering if you could do headcanons of the papas with a s/o who is kinda immature and fun?

HI HELLO ANON SORRY FOR NOT GETTING THIS DONE SOONER!! I have been busy and unwell (thanks chronic illness you BITCH) but here it is! I hope you enjoy <3

𝐏𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐨

Your immaturity provides a nice contrast and dichotomy with Primo's maturity

He thinks you've got a killer sense of humour and it's one of the things about you he thinks makes you so fun to be around

You tell dick jokes? Yes please yes please

He admires how open you are to new experiences

Primo is not a young man anymore. Even with immortality he feels how old he is, yet you make him feel so young

He sees how outgoing and personable you are at parties and Ministry functions and his heart melts all over again

You know what he loves the most about you though? The thing that makes him want to let out a content sigh and gaze at you with lovesick eyes?

The pranks you play on his brothers. Hearing Secondo yelling in frustration while you both run away giggling allows him to see how purely joyous you are and he falls in love even more than before if that's possible

𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐨

Listen, Secondo may be the bitter and grumpy one out of his brothers

But that doesn't mean he doesn't like having a partner who's fun and contrasts with him

He greatly appreciates your immaturity and sense of humour

Honestly, he encourages all the innuendos and double entendres

Watching you do your thing at parties and events, working the crowd with your charisma and fun personality is one of the most beautiful sights he's ever seen

He values your openness to different experiences as it allows you both to go out and explore while spending quality time together rather than him being cooped up in his office all day every day

You're always supportive of him and his endeavours, which he also values as someone who never really got to explore the things he wanted to growing up as NIhil's son and being raised as a back-up for Primo

When you surprise him with gifts or little trinkets at random times? He fucking loves that and sometimes he'll find himself getting excited at the possibility of you randomly dropping in during his work day to gift him something or even just to tease and distract him when he's getting stressed

𝐓𝐞𝐫𝐳𝐨

You and Terzo together? The walls of the abbey tremble (with laughter)

You bring out the fun and immature side of Terzo and it allows him to explore the things he wished he could when he was battling for Nihil's attention and approval as Papa

The two of you are like a comedy duo with all the rude jokes and innuendos you bounce off one another

Terzo will purposely point at the genitals on a classic nude painting or sculpture just to make you laugh

He networks a lot as the most outgoing of the Emeritus brothers, so having you with him and seeing you in your element of entertaining others is something he cherishes and doesn't take for granted

Treasures every moment with you because he knows how short life is and he's not going to take any of it for granted again

The two of you have a dartboard with various activities on it so that if one of you want to do something new you'll throw a dart and see where it lands and that will be your date/couple's activity

Honestly everyone sees how happy you are together and how much fun you both have and you become the couple goals of the entire Ministry

𝐂𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐚

He's like a lovesick puppy aaaaaaaa

He's not someone who would go out to do new things with you, but he likes the idea of doing fun things together indoors

Copia will be like a puddle on the ground if you play with the rats and converse with them like they're your best buddies

He's honestly relieved that you're such an open-minded and supportive person because he didn't have that growing up

Takes you to all the Ministry events and functions because you have such a way with effortlessly entertaining guests

Literally beams with pride and puffs his chest up

When you play scrabble together it ends becoming a competition to see who can make the most rude words on the board

Also a man who encourages innuendo and double entendre. He slips them into his sermons whenever he knows you're going to be in the front row to see how long you last before you burst out laughing

[zephtheduck]

Stuff I've heard at school: Part 15

He didn't lose a braincell he lost the entire brain

So throughout the game he kept going 'you don't want my chunky dick?'

I do not care about your bowl movements

No one cares about your asshole

Strawberry twink

He would taste like strawberry mochi

It would look like someone exploded

P1: Those tasted like my gandmas house

P2: why are you eating your grandmas house

P1: "My grandpas not dead. The other one is, but this one isn't"

P2: "Give him time"

Teacher: yeah that's right! lower your head in shame! lower! lower!

Student, doing a walk of shame for overdue work: any lower than this and I'll be crawling!

Quebec French just, SOUNDS like they're cursing you out

This guy's hiding the fact that he, like, ties a kite to his phone

I was just going to say he has really child bearing hips

P1: "Debrah (a rifle gun) would be happy"

P2: "What's debrahs beef with me"

P1: "She doesn't like you because you've used her one too many times lol"

P2: "…is that a terrorist joke?"

P1: "yeah"

P2: "haha okay cool just checking hahaha"

Please lets refrain from calling teachers twinks

P1: "Guatamala"

P2: "That says Gujrat"

P1: "Guatamalaaa"

P2: "I guess I'm guatamalan now? lol"

P1: "Yeah you're guava"

P1, to P3: Yeah, well, I'm not Indian P2, distracted by his phone: You mean Indigenous P1, gesturing to P3, who is Indian: No I mean Indian P2, not looking up: Yeah, the proper term is Indigenous P1, aggressively gesturing to P3, who is waving awkwardly: No, I mean INDIAN P2, finally looking up: OHH! I thought you were talking about Indigenous 'Indian'! My bad, my bad.

what the hap just fuckened

P1: "Drank perfumes?"

P2: "What?"

P1: "All I heard was you went to bath and body works to drink perfume"

Do you know how balls deep I need to be in a story to be effectively begging my screen to kill off a character?

That is the sauciest look I've ever seen someone give me

Because when they're going out to no-mans land that what they're thinking, 'I want a really nice tank, very visually pleasing tank, I don't want that Mark One'

"Yo, FUCK him I'd smash his mom"

+ "Yeah and after we're done I'm going to look him dead in the eye and say 'I fucked your mom'"

P1: "Thank you for violating my (oc) characters"

P2, in an uncomfortably eager voice: "I can violate them even more if you want"

"It's the cummie water from school" sips "oh yeah, that is cum"

"Where did you get these genes from"

*looks down at his jeans* "Old Navy?"

"and he goes 'My body is my resume!' and takes his shirt off, and I showed it to my manager because I had no idea what to say"

They literally pickled a baby! (in reference to Ares mythology)

You can either be gay or funny, choose one

I identify as out of this-world

The G in LGBT stands for God

OoOoh, I don't know what I did, but I am learning SO MUCH.

Dionysus is his tumor then!

This is my tumor, he's a drunken little shit who we decided to banish to earth for a while

Blowjobs, for anyone who isn't a sex worker, should be called blowhobbies

What do you call two Jewish stoner in a car? A gas chamber

It's not because you're a rabbit, it's bc you're black!

I inhaled a piece of cheese and it won't get UNINHAILED *coughing*

Who needs their liver anyway

We're the testicles

Why did you give me that look? You look like a child seeing their father for the first time after getting the milk

UM NO. I think that's YOU little miss toe-socks

Even your writing looks dyslexic

Lycan we're both failing math, I don't need this right now.

Reverse racism, but not like, in a racist way

Wow, you even SOUND dyslexic

[bittersweet-kelly]

Superman Saves a Cat From a Tree. Chapter 1 - Selena gets caught up with an old pal

Superman saves a cat from a tree: Part 1, Part 2

Summary: Catwoman, Selena Kyle, steps into some trouble while trying to find her ex, Batman, who seems to be missing while dealing with the League of Assassins and his ex, Talia Al Ghul. She runs into one of Batman's wards.

Rating: 18+ (Smut in later chapters) Minors do not Interact

Parings: Selena Kyle (Catwoman) x Clark Kent (Superman)

Warnings: Jokes about butts, smut in later chapters, swearing, jealousy (If you squint), not beta'd or lightly proof-read

Word Count: 1,296

Disclaimer: I do not own Henry or have any connections to Henry. Nor do I own any content from DC comics, Warner Brothers.

I wanted to start with Selena's side before moving onto Clark's. He'll be coming later dears. ;)

***************

It's been 3 months since Bruce Wayne and Selena Kyle got engaged and it's been 1 month since Selena dumped Bruce on the grounds of being bored. Or so she goes around and tells people. It was much more complex than that, obviously. Bruce wanted kids where Selena didn't… Bruce has kids. Adopted sure, but they're still kids. The late night costume rendezvous also became less frequent and that sort of killed the vibe for Selena… She liked the chase. The tease. Now she was caught and hooked… What was she supposed to do now? Be a wifey? Become a housewife? Join the cast of Housewives of Gotham? Heavy pass.

She was now free to do what she pleases. That also involves slipping into her tight costume that hugged her every curve to distract the thugs of Gotham. Who doesn't love the attention? Her catsuit was like a second skin. The zip stopped halfway down her sternum, revealing her cleavage that was tucked firmly in her clothes.

During one night ,while she was stalking the rooftops in her favourite neighbourhood, she heard some gunfire from the streets. She snorted to herself. "Batman will be after their asses soon. Poor souls." While chuckling to herself it slowly dawned on her… She hasn't heard from Bruce or Batman for 3 weeks. Furrowing her brow she checked her phone. No missed calls… Messages. She shrugged it off, he's probably drowning his sorrows in the nearest bar - crying because she left him. Or so she told herself. Anyone would cry after being dumped by her.

Her train of thought was interrupted by a shuffle of feet landing on the roof with her. The loose pebbles shuffling underneath their weight. "I was just thinking about you." She turned, expecting the brooding bat.

"Thanks, can't say I was thinking about you." Dick Greyson, better known as Nightwing, retorted back to her with a wink. "What pleasure do I owe being thought of? My handsome looks?" He smirked at her. Selena scoffed. Nightwing stood in front of her in his own tight costume that showed off his athletic body.

"I thought you were the big, bad Bat." She placed a hand on her hip, while looking over at him. "What are you doing here? Thought you were exiled to Bludhaven?"

"Exiled?" Dick put a hand over his heart. "Is that what Bruce told you? No it was Damian wasn't it?" Shook his head. "Ass."

"Mhm. He is a brat, I'll give you that but ass? That's all you." She leaned over to peer at his ass and glutes. "Ever thought you should change your name from Dick to something butt related?" Selena joked with a cocky smirk spread across her lips. Dick tutted, wagging a finger at her.

"Careful, you were nearly my Step-mom. That's taboo in places… Other than the internet." Dick rolled his eyes. "My eyes are up here lady." Motioned with his fingers to where his eyes are. "Plus you can talk, you have the same issue as me I bet." Selena couldn't argue that point, she too had a big butt. Bruce loved to squeeze it - amongst other things but that might have been weird to discuss to one of his kids.

"Speaking of Dad…" Selena turned back to look over at Gotham. "Where is he? I would have expected to see him sulking around in the shadows by now. I even stole- I even rescued some jewels from some black market dealer and I half expected to see him." Selena looked over to Nightwing. He looked pensive.

"We haven't heard from him for about 2 weeks now. Not like him. None of us have been scowled at or told we're doing something wrong. Alfred handed me a note when I went to go and see him. It mentions he's gone to see Talia to resolve a feud." Dicked looked confused at Selena. She just shrugged her shoulders.

"Guess he's gone back to his side piece?" She said bitterly. "Hey, no idea. But aren't you the one who ended things?" Dick pointed out after spotting how she spoke and sensed some jealousy. "Hmph!" Selena decided to ignore Dick's comment. "So he's gone back to the league of assassins."

Dick hummed in thought. "Yep, seems like it. After Bruce's run-in with them last time they seemed to vanish. If they're back in Gotham, means somethings going down. I've been looking for their entrance the last few days now. I can't spot anything out of the ordinary. No ninjas to chase either!" Scoffed in disappointment. Selena's brow furrowed.

"I see… Hidden tunnels most likely. Have you asked Killer Croc?" She asked, half serious as she looked over at Dick again. "He knows the sewers like the scales on the back of his mutated paw." Dick pointed at her before half skipping away.

"You have a point Kit-kat." He then swan dived off the edge of the building. Once a performer, always a performer. Show-off. "While you go and get your ass kicked… I'll go for a little girl on girl action." Turning her attention to the 'Garden of Eden' greenhouse and shop down in Bristol Gotham. "Red better be there."

Having made her way across town Selena stood looking at the overgrown greenhouse near the river. Climbing through a broken window she looked around until coming to a large room. To the side was a large plant that looked like it was trodden on and beaten down. Not like Pamela to treat her babies like that…

"You shouldn't have come Selena." A voice echoed around the room making it hard for Selena to pinpoint Poison Ivy's location. "But Red." Selena replied in a sing-song tone of voice. "I thought you missed our little chats. I know I missed you." Selena's gaze shot down as a vine wrapped around her ankle, tearing her off the ground to leave her hanging like she was caught in a boobie-trap. "IVY! Is this anyway to treat a friend?" A pair of giant leaves rustled and flapped to thee floor revealing the fiery, in more than one way, redhead.

"We are not friends!" Ivy snapped back. "You only call me a friend when you want something. You're all take and no give! No wonder Batman came looking for me." Her hand brushed her locks away from her face. Walking over to Selena to stand face to face. Other than Selena being upside down. "-You-" Ivy prodded Selena's forehead with her pointer finger. "You told Batman how to find me… How to enter my place of refuge." Ivy Scoffed, turning her head to the side. "…Ivy. You live in a greenhouse with a rather odd looking tree sticking out of the building. It's not exactly conspicuous." Ivy's attention fell back onto Selena, rolling her eyes at the truth.

"Now why shouldn't I throw you out like the trash you are?" Ivy placed her hands on her hips giving Selena attitude.

Catwoman gasped. "Ivy! You wouldn't litter your own beautiful green earth would you?!" Selena raised a brow, even though she was wearing a mask the fabric lifted with her eyebrow.

"Fine!" Spat Ivy. "You made your point… You can decompose here, feed my babies." Ivy turned on the spot, slapping Selena with her hair. "That will give Batman time to solidify his plan."

Selena found herself being lifted higher into the air. "IVY?! WHAT PLAN?" She screamed only to be turned the right way up.

"Oh, something about ruling the League of Assassins by giving Talia more heirs." Ivy waved her hand dismissively over her shoulder. Selena then felt her body feeling numb, like something tight was wrapped around it… The vines tightened around her body and acted like a cocoon with how they sealed her in.

[zorilleerrant]

BANG BANG BANG

3 8 & 9!

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

I don't screenshot these for my own mental health but. I've genuinely seen someone - more than one person, actually! - claim that Jason Todd never killed anyone. And I don't know if it was just a joke that didn't land or if they're talking about Robin!Jason or something else, but I think there's a growing contingent of people who genuinely believe that every claim Jason killed anyone is a smear campaign. Which is like. That's the point of his character actually??? Like the whole point of Red Hood is exploring the morality of killing and what it does to a person regardless of morality. He wouldn't be an interesting character without the murders!!! The Cass misunderstanding (that she's an assassin) I get more because that's an easy mistake to make.

That Armand never really loved Louis, he was just convenient, which like. No he's not did you even watch the show? That's the most inconvenient motherfucker anyone could ever date. But also... none of the dramatic tension plays out unless he's in love! (Some of it I don't think played out anyway.) There's no reason for him to do anything he does unless he's head over heels and going crazy with it. And there's no poignancy to the breakup if neither of them care I mean. What about it then. (Also how can Daniel heal Armand's heart if it isn't broken, come on now.)

I've also been getting mad at people a lot for saying that Faith is a lesbian or has 'obvious lesbian coding' when like... she's one of the straightest characters on TV. Literally, no, people, you are just a lesbian and into her! That's the opposite! You're the opposite person from Faith in that equation!

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

That any of the Batfamily smoke. Rich people just don't smoke anymore, haven't for quite a while, and certainly wouldn't be okay with their kids smoking. Which means they only do it as rebellion - except that Bruce had no parents to rebel against, and everyone else did superhero stuff for their rebellions. Even the ones who grew up in environments with a lot of smokers were too young to be smoking regularly when they were out on their own. Alfred might smoke, depending on his backstory, but not in front of the kids. Steph you could convince me was rebelling against her very health conscious mom, but you'd need to motivate an antagonistic relationship. Babs I feel would just think it's gross.

That Niko is aromantic. She literally decided two starfish were in love, just because they were next to each other and had contrasting color palettes. That's, if anything, an example of amatonormativity, not a thought that aromantics have all the time. I mean I think she just saw the starfish and had her own romantic thoughts, because she likes romance and thinks about it all the time, and if you want her to be arospec then make her aego!!!

That Xander is any more sexist or awkward than any of the other characters. Sure, a lot of his lines didn't age well... but neither did any of theirs, and no one decides they're evil for it. Well, except for the handful who have really violent things to say about Willow. I wish I could find more Buffy fans who watched it on the air tbh. He literally doesn't do anything except for normal teenage stuff like all the other teenagers also do.

9. worst part of canon

Alright, everyone's going to come at me for this one but like. I don't think Dick and Bruce should have an antagonistic relationship. Or even a tense one. Or even like 'well, Bruce is controlling and Dick is learning to be an adult, so they clash'. No? They really mostly shouldn't ever have problems. They're THE Batman and Robin; they know exactly what each other is thinking. They think in the same way and agree on 99% of stuff and don't ever misunderstand each other because they grew up together. They learned how to be heroes together. I don't need false conflict added to make the story world all dark and edgy and I don't see why it was. Dick is a kid who has normal growing up problems and Bruce is a supportive dad who sometimes gives the wrong advice because he didn't have the exact same problems, that's it.

The worst part of Invincible canon is that they specifically made the main character half asian and then didn't do anything thematic with it. Guys! His human half is asian, always seen as other, seen as a visitor or tourist even in his own home. His alien half, which is a visitor and tourist (and nefarious dictatorial influence), looks white, and thus is categorically instead of contingently accepted. Both halves would make him feel othered and outside of society, but one half people would reject outright for not looking othered, and the other half people would reject because they don't like to listen to asians having opinions on things. His dad was never racist to his mom because he didn't know how, and that helped her fall in love with him, but then the dude turns right around and has opinions about all humans that really sound a lot like the same orientalist arguments! And they just didn't SAY anything about it!!!!

The worst part of Buffy is Season 7.

lol probably everyone should specify a fandom

[s10127470]

BRIAN MAKES STEWIE HIS BITCH

Episode: Brian Writes a Best Seller (Season 9, Episode 6)

We open up the episode at the Griffin household, where Brian and Stewie receive a box from a delivery man.

They find out that the box was filled with copies of Brian's latest book, which didn't even sale one copy.

Along with that, the delivery guy reveals that there's a least 300 of those boxes.

And to add insult to injury, most of those boxes are filled with the shredded remains of his books.

That honestly takes a special level of malice to do something like that.

This predicament ends up being the "final straw" for Brian and he decides to quit writing all together.

A little white later, we find Brian and Stewie looking at a newspaper, where it's revealed that the reason his book didn't sale at all was because it was overshadowed by a newly released book written by Pauly Fucking Shore.

Now this is a case where either your book really sucks or God is just not letting you have any Ws whatsoever.

Especially if you're able to get beaten by a book written by the guy who started in Bio-Dome and gave this glorious cinematic masterpiece....

Realizing that actually being passionate about writing has basically not worked for him at all, Brian decides to give writing a book with no passion or care whatsoever a try.

And after three hours of writing, Brian's newest book "Wish It, Want It, Do It" is finished, and thanks to some close contacts of Stewie's, manages to get published.

And soon enough, the book quickly becomes a commerical success.

With the immediate success of the book, Brian decides to hire Stewie as his publicist.

And if the picture above didn't tell you already, you'd probably know that this won't end well.

Anyway, the success of the book lands Brian an interview with Tom Tucker, which Stewie accompanies him to.

Once arriving at the studio, Stewie threatens the guy who welcomes them and demands that he finds them an all-white room and some Fuji Water.

This also segways into a very confusing joke, with Brian pointing out that the bowl of M&Ms on the table in the waiting room are all gray, when they're obviously the usual colors typically found on M&Ms.

But on that topic real quick, is there even such a thing as gray M&Ms?

Huh.....I guess there is.

Shortly after the interview, Stewie tells Brian that he's just scheduled a book signing up in New York City.

After getting checked into the hotel and an drawn-out hook-up joke, the duo make it to the book signing.

Here we see just how Brian treats his fans.

First we see him with a middle-aged decent-looking woman, who is clearly passionate about the book and extremely grateful for being able to meet Brian in person.

Brian, on the other hand, doesn't feel the same way. As it's so obvious that he couldn't give less of a shit about this lady.

Not only coming off as completely uninterested in her genuine praise of him, but also actively getting her name wrong.

But when the next person is up (who happens to be much younger, more attractive woman than the last one), that's when Brian starts to actually give a damn.

And instead of giving his signature in her book, Brian gives her his phone number, which rightfully confuses and creeps out the woman.

What a dick.

Sometime later, the duo head off to dinner, where Brian reflects on his newfound fame and shows his appreciation for everything Stewie has done.

After they finish dinner, they spot Renée Zellweger having dinner and say hello to her.

But once they get outside, everything (as you would expect) immediately starts to go to shit.

Brian starts to harshly chew out Stewie for not reserving a table at the front of the restaurant, so they could sit near Renée, despite the obvious fact that he nor Stewie even knew she was there until after they finish dinner.

And feeling like Stewie needs to be punished, Brian decides to not give him a lift back to the hotel, leaving Stewie behind and forcing him to resort to calling a cab, which he can't even do because he has no money on him.

Putting aside the obvious reason why this scene is bad (that being Brian suddenly becoming a temperamental egomaniac and unfairly chewing out Stewie), we got to discuss the other biggest problem with this episode.

Stewie has been turn into a meek, quivering coward, when anyone who has seen even one episode of this show would know that Stewie is the last character you would want to fuck with.

May I remind you.....

-He's undoubtedly the most intelligent being alive, despite being only 1-year old. He possesses genius-level intelligence, which has allowed him to create various high-tech weaponry and gadgets that would put the world's greatest geniuses to shame. For God's sake, he literally created a fucking TIME MACHINE. We've been trying to do that for like over a century now, and we still haven't made much progress. Stewie was able to create one on his first try as if it was nothing! And despite having some childish tendencies here and there, his cognitive abilities are pretty much on the level of a full-grown adult.

-In addition to being incredibly intelligent, he's also incredibly cunning and persuasive. He not only knows how to get people on his side and outwit them, but also knows how to leave cuts in them that are REAL deep. And trust me, he has done this to Brian before and especially after this episode.

-Plus he not only knows how to hurt people emotionally, but also physically as well. Stewie is surprisingly skilled in martial arts and is a skilled marksman, hench whenever he's in a fight, he often uses firearms. And despite his size and age, he has been shown as being able to go toe-to-toe in a physical fight against grown adults.

Contrast that with Brian.....

-Whose intelligence is admittedly up for debut. Granted he's not a pure, unadulterated moron like Peter, but he's nowhere near the genius-level intellect of Stewie. And even with that, although he's described as being more intelligent than most of the cast, I don't think he's as smart as he makes himself out to be. It's been implied in many episodes during the post-revival that Brian makes himself look more intelligent than he is in order to make himself look good. Most of you probably know that there have been times when Stewie was discussing a concept with Brian, and Brian spoke over him in order to come off as intelligent. And when he usually does this, Stewie rightfully calls him out. Not helping his case is that Brian doesn't seem to have any form of primary or secondary education. In fact, his only form of education is college, which he flunked out of.....twice.

-Along with that, he's not shown to be particularly cunning or persuasive, which could be a byproduct of his huge ego. He has definitely shown that he is manipulative, especially towards women, but even that's pretty hit or miss. Because with the exception of Peter, Brian hasn't really succeed at manipulating anyone in the main or recurring cast. And even when he has, these victories are often short-lived and usually find a way to come back and bite him in the ass.

-And although he has been shown as being able to hold his own in a fight, he doesn't have quite the skill-set as some of the other characters, especially Stewie. And even when he is in a fight, most of the time, he often gets his ass handed to.

So with all being said, Stewie has no right to let Brian make him his bitch.

If anything, Stewie should be making Brian his bitch....or, male bitch to be exact.

And if this Stewie wasn't written by people who actually remembered he was a badass, he would do either of the following three options.

A. Retort with a well-deserve chewing of his own, shattering Brian's already fragile ego.

B. Send Brian on a one-way trip to the hospital.

C. Both.

Anyway, let's get back to actually talking about the episode.

So starting where we left off, we're treated with this admittedly pretty funny scene.

If this show was written by Butch Hartman, the punchline would've just been that it would just start raining.

Knowing his track record when it comes to comedy....

Once getting back to Quahog, Stewie is able to get back on Brian's good side after he books him an appearance on Real Time with Bill Maher to discuss separation of church and state with Maher and Christopher Hitchens.

However, when the day comes for the appearance, that doesn't last long as Brian continues to berate Stewie for the most asinine reasons.

The final straw happens when Brian is informed that Hitchens cannot attend, and that Arianna Huffington and Dana Gould will serve as replacement panelists. Blaming yet Stewie again, Brian angrily fires his ass on the spot and continues on to the show's panel.

And once the panel begins, we're finally treated to Brian's long-awaited comeuppance.

After being humiliated of live national television, Brian's career as a best-selling author immediately goes down the drain and returns back to Quahog with his tail between his legs.

Once returning home, he tries to apologize to Stewie for being an egotistical prick.

Keyword: tries.

As Brian half-heartedly does so, while unsubtly and passive-aggressively continues to blame Stewie for everything that went wrong.

And when Stewie asks if this "apology" will be the best he'll get, he responses with...

"Yeah, pretty much."

Once again, what a dick.

Let's Review:

Brian starts off as admittedly quite sympathetic, due to how despite how much he pours his heart into anything he writes, it never seems to get the attention or praise it truly deserves.

So when he finally does finally get that attention and praise, you can't help but feel happy for the guy.....

Until he curses out Stewie for something that was completely out of his control.

Stewie may be OP, but he isn't that OP. He doesn't have the ability of foresight, Brian.

He then proceeded to ditch Stewie in the middle of New York City, forcing him to find his own way back to the hotel, which he couldn't even do since....

He had no money.

He got shanked by a random thug the moment Brian took off.

And what's worse is that Stewie obviously doesn't deserve any of this.

The only bad thing that Stewie did in this entire episode was that he was admittedly a bit hostile when he became Brian's publicist at first.

But even with that, Stewie was clearly trying to get the best he could for Brian because he genuinely wanted to help him to succeed.

But Brian, thanks to his enormous ego, believes that anything Stewie does isn't good enough and constantly gets angry at him for things that are either completely pointless or were completely out of Stewie's control.

Only proving that Quagmire telling Brian that he's a spoiled brat was completely valid.

(Granted everything in that iconic chewing out was completely valid, and yes, we will be talking about that episode in the future).

And besides Stewie, he wasn't treating anyone well in general.

As I mentioned earlier, there were those two women at the book signing.

Where he more or less ignored the much-less conventionally attractive woman, but gave too much attention to the actually attractive woman.

But the crowding moment of this was during the Bill Maher scene.

During that scene, Maher, Huffington and Gould begin to criticize Brian's book, stating that it fails to meet the expectations of the public and is pretentious, repetitive, unhelpful, banal and manipulative (which is basically modern Brian in a nutshell).

Brian attempts to defend this possibly valid criticism in the same way most modern writers response to criticism....

By making it worse by claiming everyone who even remotely criticizes their work is an idiot and they're the ones who are wrong, not him.

Along with that, he insults the panelists for supposedly having little sense in literature.

And to make matters worse, Brian pettily insults Huffington's accent and Gould's feminine-sounding first name like an immature teenager.

As you would expect, this blows up in Brian's face.

He ultimately confesses that he too considers his book to be of a low standard, admitting that he wrote it in a day in the hope that it would sell.

This prompts Maher to loses what already little respect he has for Brian, stating that a real writer would stand by their work despite what others think.

And as an artist and a Fanfiction writer myself, I really appreciate Maher's statement.

And with that being said, it does make you wonder if Brian really is passionate about writing, or just does it in the hope of becoming famous.

Considering him, it's most likely a combination of both.

Though if you ask me, it's probably more of the latter.

And after returning home: humiliated, defeated, and with a career that was as short-lived as Aaron Taylor-Johnson's time in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, you would think Brian would reflect on this, realize the errors of his aways, and try to make amends with Stewie for treating him like shit.

But this is Family Guy and character development isn't one of its priorities.

And since Brian STILL has his head so far up his own ass, he refuses to accept that anything that has happened to him was his own fault and when he "apologizes", he still tries to blame Stewie.

You're a Bad Dog, Brian Griffin!

Well that was the very first episode of my newest series, "You're a Bad Dog, Brian Griffin!" and I hope you all liked it!

Next time we'll be looking at the episode "Brian the Closer".

So stay tune, and if you could, send me some requests for episodes to look at.

[the-firebird69]

We have a huge legal team we're specializing now a lot more and we have big parties on each. We have a large party suing garth it goes to court almost every day and is willing to lose everything rather than to pay you a dime, so we're suing them for a lot more money and we're going to sue them for their stuff and their land and if they keep at it we're going to sue them for everything else and he says we should be suing them for their spaceships already because he's a slime ball low life and nobody will care and it's not really true but he's an idiot and should not be flying overhead like he is so going to be the beginning of processes now and he probably is going to try and harass her son into moving furniture he has a hernia and Ken has one so it's going to go like this if he comes by over and over the city it's get beat up because they're actually black he goes as a white person they say you're in disguise spying and he's going to figure out that he's going to find out minority a****** being a dick and he should because he won't stop. We're going to start suing him Monday for what he's doing and saying right now I'm going to bring him to court I'm going to present evidence that he's trying to harm our son and we're going to present criminal charges people like him end up staying in jail for a while which is great cuz everyone else doesn't and it's going to give us motivation

Bitol and Goddess Wife

He's a weakling and a jerk and he needs this we don't want him around and he's a warlock with the warlock revolution and that's all he is it's something to do with the accident I was in and now when I'm gone so we're going to help out with the lawsuit and so is Biden and he's a complete jackass that guy's running for president is a joke he's not even there he's so damn stupid it's harassing my son constantly what all sorts of stupid things they should not be running anything but there they are brainless idiots running stuff and their time is running out and their numbers are dwindling and soon they'll be gone and it didn't help us any foreigners say they have a use and my son told it to me we can withstand radiation and pressure and depth and we are very strong and we can move things for soldiers and more and they do understand it's going to be a fight against this other demon group and we're humanoid and they're not and the other demons know it they're like bugs so you people don't have a job you more luck except to go in there and feed them yourself

Camilla VP

I want to add them too and we're going to help with the lawsuits they're going to be very big and we're going to develop some and we're going to be on a lot of the group lawsuits against people like Garth is an incessant a****** and a constant threats it doesn't do anything and he won't leave our friend alone and yeah he almost got beat up a lot by him and he tells him too shut up I'm going to beat you to beat you to death and just stops and starts up again and he doesn't do anything about it he's just a wimp. He's sitting there calling my grandson a f** and all sorts of stuff and we're going to help sue for libel and songs he took lyrics and ideas and all sorts of things heels heals them a lot of money and has him running around poor and wants to put them on the street is a despicable loser

Biden president

And yes he's holding the president down in these places of poverty and keeping him there because he's a jackass and the guy doesn't know his bounds and he's going to learn a lot of people hate him Trump is after him for what he did out there and all sorts of things and he does the max found a whole bunch of crimes he was committing people in fort Myers tons of them and a lot of Macs and his gassing a lot of trumpsters and bja too and he didn't care what he was killing he was just taking huge numbers of foreigners hate him because of what he's doing overseas and he was caught the last time he went out there and they're going after him won't take too much for him to fall but we are going to make sure he does this latest rendition is ridiculous and our son was going to go out there the car was being a huge a****** and her son said I don't really want to do that with me for a huge a****** and he's in Walmart recently trying to mess around with the stuff and people catch him and they beat him up and she's anus she's heinous and turns him against her son so much and he's not turning back and it's her trying to get weather son and she's big and gross and she was s******* on the floor and Winn-Dixie right in front of everybody crap was coming out her ass going down her leg onto the floor and Winn-Dixie and she's a cannibal and he can smell it everybody told him to get the hell out and it took them about 20 minutes to finally move

We're going to sue them for a lot of money for holding them hostage with social security and they're doing a lot of it and all sorts of people start saying they were the Trump swear too and we're suing them for it

Bitol and Goddess Wife

We're going to add to the lawsuits some very serious charges and we're going to bring them to international criminal court these people have been harassing all of us for a long time and they're going to pay and on Sundays the help in the backing and he needs it right now

Olympus

They're moving in there but we need more troops I'm putting it out there now

Thor Freya

[smallblueandloud]

THEY'RE DOING A SPOKEN WORD RENDITION OF MAYBE THEY'RE REALLY MAGIC?? GOD I HATE IT HERE

[cookinguptales]

i agree so much! i had hopes up until 4.09 that the writers were going somewhere with all of these (seemingly) loose threads they've been dangling. but now... it seems like we were just reading into things. i still like the show. but i've seen so many posts bending over backwards trying to convince ppl 4.09 was brilliant writing actually, that it wasn't supposed to be funny or make us laugh and that the lack of humor was by design and not rushed writing or editing. "i'm going to write an episode that is so humorless" said NO comedy writer ever! it failed to balance the dark with the comedy. but ppl defending it saying "that's the point!" give me big annie from community vibes like "the dean is a genius. he has to be. if he isn't i've given two weeks of my life to an idiot and that's unacceptable. therefore he's a genius and i will die protecting his vision!" like... it's ok to admit sometimes writers mess up or things get cut in editing or a subplot gets thrown out that makes things less satisfying that originally envisioned

Well... with the caveat that I haven't been reading the tag or other people's meta very much, nor have I seen much of Community...

I do agree that I just don't buy the theory that the episode wasn't supposed to be funny. They've brought up deep emotional turmoil and such before on this show, but always in a way that was funny. That's one of the greatest gifts that the writers usually have -- managing to pair serious topics with jokes that will make you just about cry laughing.

I feel like there would have been ways to actually signal that this wasn't supposed to be funny episode. Y'know, seeing Marwa's last moments. Getting hints that there might still be something in there left of her. Lingering more on the psychological trauma this might've done to Freddie, dick as he is. Seeing more lasting effects of any kind, honestly. Hell, even just engaging with some of the themes and characterization choices they've been making over the course of the season would have gone a long way in making this episode feel weightier.

But that doesn't happen. Plus, I mean... the jokes are there. They're all throughout the episode. They're just not particularly funny, nor do they distract from the very unfunny (but not serious, either?) shit that's going on. We don't really get any wham moments that aren't paired with jokes that just... don't really land.

I think the closest moments we get to things that feel purposefully not funny aren't in the writing at all, nor the framing, nor the direction. They're all Harvey, who decided he was going to play Guillermo's trauma as straight as humanly possible in an episode that otherwise treated the situation very lightheartedly.

Even that, I think, was probably supposed to be funny to a degree. Like they've tormented Guillermo tons of times before, made him cry, hurt him, almost killed him... and they usually manage to tell him he looks like wet undies at the same time. I think Guillermo's genuine emotions were kind of supposed to be a contrast to the silliness and they were supposed to heighten the humor. They just... didn't.

Like... Guillermo asking if they could turn the camera off hurt, but it's paired with the Freddies' silly Palatine Hill conversation. Guillermo lying in bed desolate hurt, but it's paired with Nandor's dumbass "and so he could have sex with him."

They are attempting to pair humor with these scenes, just like they always have. That humor just isn't funny enough to cut through the very real misery of it all.

To me, there was a surreal sort of disconnect while watching it, and it didn't feel purposeful. I didn't think "oh, they put this moment in for a record-scratch moment; they put this moment in to make us question this character, etc." I thought "oh... they don't realize that this is a topic that isn't funny to most of the viewer base."

Marwa was the biggest offender, obviously, and I really disagree with anyone who said that we were supposed to see her exit as horrifying. We did, obviously, but her treatment in the episode was such a fucking footnote that I think the writers saw her as a disposable plot device and assumed we would, too. But the implications of how they disposed of her were... a lot.

I'm thinking about what I think is probably the best use of "you were supposed to be laughing but you're not supposed to be laughing now" in any piece of media I've ever seen, and I think it was probably Disney's animated Mulan? Where they're singing a lighthearted song about war only to be confronted with the ugly reality of it right in the middle of the song. They stop singing. They do not sing again for the rest of the movie. This moment is treated as deadly serious and no one is telling any jokes, nothing silly or magical or hijink-y is happening. It's just desperately sad.

And no, that did not happen in WWDITS. Nandor kept being a dumb puppy whose stupidity we were supposed to laugh at. Laszlo returning with Colin was segued into a joke about the clown sucking his own dick. Guillermo's final stab in the heart was the HEIGHT of WWDITS's sort of weird hijinks dark humor.

Just... none of it was funny. When you add that to the shallow plot device characters, the pile of coincidences that were easy for the writers even if they didn't make sense for the plot (like Guillermo bringing Freddie back to the house in the first place), forgetting previous details from earlier in the series (Nandor sucking at hypnotizing people), the over-reliance on magic and hypnotism to smooth out plot holes/characterization struggles, and the blatantly awful treatment of Marwa...

I don't want to make it sound like I'm trying to be a dick out here shooting down other people's theories in the fandom or something, but like... Like. I personally do not buy that this was on purpose. I don't see anything in the episode to signal that this was supposed to be serious as opposed them trying to make it funny and just not succeeding. I can understand that drive to make sense of the writing decisions, but... honestly, frankly, I think the writers were just sloppy. I hate that it's true and I might be able to look past it, but I'm not going to pretend like it didn't happen. : /

[cr0wbonezz-wr1ting-inc]

One more time

Summary: Alex regrets ever saying yes. All he wants is a second chance.

Trigger warning: Mentions of cheating, mentions of sex, swearing, angst

Author's note: my first piece off hiatus !! - you're a twitch streamer in this fic but it won't come up too much :) hope u like it <3

Based on: Break My Heart Again - FINNEAS

you sigh. your ex-boyfriend called again. you've been ignoring your phone for 5 minutes now. was he really this desperate?

you pick up your phone and slide the green button.

"what do you want, alex?"

"___, you picked up!"

he sounded extremely relieved, like he needs you to breathe.

"i did, now what do you want?"

alex sighed and leaned on a wall in his bedroom.

"can i come over? there's some stuff i still need to pick up."

you suck in a breath sharply. the air is thick and tense.

"no."

you clench the phone you were holding and bit your lip.

"i don't want to see you right now."

alex closed his eyes and pushed himself off the wall.

"i understand, you need time."

there was silence for a moment. neither of you wanted to say anything.

"if you want to come over that bad you can get your things tomorrow morning."

"sounds good. i'll be there around 11, okay?"

"fine."

"good-"

you ended the call.

"-bye..."

alex let his arm drop beside him. his eyes were watering, but he wiped it away with the sleeve of his hoodie.

it's his fault, he knew. but why is he still so upset? he shouldn't feel like this - it's is his own doing, after all.

~

you open the door to your home. alex was standing on the porch with a few empty bags in hand. the morning sun blinded you slightly, making you squint at the man in front of you.

"hi ___."

"hello, alex. all your belongings are on the couch.

"great, thank you."

~

he looks over as he's folding a shirt.

"what are you looking at?"

you say without looking away from your laptop.

his face was getting red slightly from embarrassment.

"nothing, you seem busy."

alex directed his eyes back to the clothes in front of him.

"otherwise you would've said something about me."

alex snickered slightly, trying to lighten the mood.

you sigh, holding your face in one of your hands.

don't say it. ___, keep it in. there's no point in fighting him. ___-

"if i wanted to make a comment it'd be about the fact you can't keep your dick in your pants."

god damn it, why did you do that?

he fell quiet. you hated his guts, but even you felt kind of bad for being so blunt with it.

a part of you still loved him. his loud, yet charming laugh. his sweet kisses. his adorable clinginess. his blushing face when you teased him.

you shake your head, trying to physically get rid of your pity for him. he doesn't love you anymore. he shouldn't, and neither should you.

~

after filling the bags with alex's belongings he stood up and wiped his forehead. you waver from your work and look him up and down.

"you done?"

you asked him. he turned around and gave you a weak smile.

"yeah, i think so."

"good, you know the way out."

you turn back to your computer.

"___, wait. can i ask you something?"

you make eye contact with him, fully aware it makes him nervous.

"what do you want?"

alex took a quick breath.

"can we talk sometime?"

you look at him like he spoke an alien tongue.

"why the hell would i?"

"i want to talk about what happened between us. i hate that our relationship is so sour."

he set a step forward.

"i just want this to end peaceful - or at least neutral."

"why the fuck would i want to be peaceful with you of all people?"

"i hate ending things on the wrong foot, you know that."

alex stands his ground, making you livid.

"then we make up, and then what? you'll just break my heart again!"

you stand up, simultaneously pushing the chair away with your legs.

"then i can lay awake and think about why i even let you inside my house again in the first place?!"

if looks could kill, alex would be on the floor.

"fine. if you don't want to, then i guess everything will just stay the way it is."

alex turned around and grabbed his bags. there's no way he's getting through to you right now.

"oh, so now it's my fault?"

you slam your laptop and walk away from the table.

"well, i'm so sorry for being angry at you for cheating on me!"

you don't hold your anger in anymore, he crossed the line.

"i never said that, ___!"

alex yelled to match your energy.

you took a step back. the audacity to yell at you in your house.

"out. now."

alex grabbed the second bag of clothes and without a word walked to the front door.

"goodbye, ___."

alex pushes the door open and steps outside. you go after him but stop at the doorstep.

"fuck you!" you sob out. you grab the doorknob and slam the door shut.

your knees slowly got weaker and you sit against the front door, shutting your eyes.

~

it's been a month since you've seen alex. you've blocked him on everything since then.

you were doing a q&a on your twitch channel and everything was going well. chat was filled with questions and you answered the one's you could.

your thoughts were somewhere else, though.

you still miss him, you really did. alex used to watch your streams all the time. he sent you donations with cheesy pick-up lines, he called you during streams to make fun of you for dying in a game or just to chat while he's bored.

but that didn't happen anymore.

you realize you haven't said anything in a while and you apologize. your chat was spamming purple hearts and 'are you okay?'

"ah, sorry everyone, i'm still tired from yesterday. i think i'm going to end the stream for today, thank you all for coming!"

after saying goodbye you turn off your computer.

why are you still so obsessed over him?! he cheated on you! he even tried to cover it up with a bullshit story about "not being the first to kiss her," and "she forced me to," like someone would believe a lie like that.

yet, you still love him. something inside you wants to believe him, like he really was telling the truth.

~

the next morning you open twitter and scroll for a bit. you made a tweet earlier in which you stated you weren't going to stream today.

you looked at the trending topics and saw your name in bold letters. you clicked on it and read the first tweet that popped up.

'i really hope ___ is doing better, they looked so sad on stream :('

an image was attached to it - a screenshot from the stream you did yesterday where you were mindlessly staring at your computer screen.

you sighed. at least they're not thinking too deep about this.

you scroll further down, replying and liking a couple tweets saying you were alright, thanking them or cracking a joke. this should keep them off your back for a while.

after scrolling for a bit one tweet catches your eye. you clutch your phone as you read the comment.

'kinda obvious they miss quackity :/ it's a good cover-up story tho '

~

alex was staring at his ceiling. he'd seen the tweets about you - about him.

he hates this feeling. he hates the fact that he knows what you're thinking. he hates that he knows it's his fault. he didn't mean to. he didn't.

"come on, alex. you know you want it." the woman said.

"i told you, no! i have a partner!" alex pushed her away for the second time, trying to find a way past the girl and out of this small alleyway. he should've never gone to this stupid bar.

"tch, whatever. but know you'll regret rejecting someone like me!" the girl pushed him to the brick wall and fixed her dress as she walked away.

alex fixed himself for a minute and walked past the bar and into his car. he pulled out his phone and shot you a quick text.

'hey bb i'll be over in a few :)'

'don't come back.'

you responded almost immediately. alex froze as he looked at the screen.

'wdym?'

'you know damn well why'

you sent him a photo of him next to the bar in the alley. the girl was all over him while her lips connected lustfully to his.

'it isn't what it looks like, i didn't start any of this!'

you don't respond. alex tries to send you another text when an error pops up.

'unable to send message. user has blocked you.'

~

you hover your hand over your phone's keyboard. you thought anbout alex's offer to talk, and decided that maybe it was a good idea after all. you couldn't get your mind off him, you thought that hopefully getting some closure could help.

but how were you going to ask him? 'hey, i know i blocked number like a month ago but can you to meet me at some random park? see you there!'

after typing and deleting multiple texts you eventually landed on a message.

'hey alex, i've been thinking about your offer to talk it out, and i wanted to ask if you're still up for it?'

you send it and immediately turn off your phone and place it on the coffeetable in front of you. you did it, finally. you fall back on your couch and pull your knees up to your face, waiting for a notification.

after a nailbiting five minutes a light emits from your phone. you pick it up and read the name calling you. 'alex'. you take a deep breath and answer the phone.

"hi alex."

"hey ___, it's been a while."

you sit up straight, preparing yourself for the conversation you're about to have.

'yeah, you can say that."

the atmosphere was a lot less tense than you expected. it was weirdly... comforting? you can hear alex's raspy voice through the phone. has he been crying?

"i saw your text, you wanted to meet?"

"yes, i did. i wanted to get some closure, at least."

alex chuckled, his laugh making you a little flustered. trying to brush it off, you laugh with him.

"what's so funny?" alex asked.

you rolled your eyes and smile.

"you, dumbass."

he gasps cartoonishly loud. his goofy personality is something you could never get enough of. maybe you were wrong after all.

"ok, but seriously, when do you want to meet?"

he gets back on topic. you snap out of your smile and remember why he called in the first place.

"right, right. i'm free this whole week, you can choose when."

after some planning and back and forth, you decide to meet at a small family-run café in the afternoon. coincidentally, it's the same place you two had your first date.

~

you settle down at a table on the terrace of the café, the sunday sun greeting you warmly. you were a little early, so you decided to think of some questions. it didn't take you long to come to a few, though. your main question was the photo. what was that all about?

as you were handed a menu you saw alex walking on the pavement fidgeting with his fingers.

"hey! sorry if i'm late, i took the bus instead of my car."

he took the seat parallel to yours and exhaled.

"oh no, you're right on time. i was just a little early."

the waitress gave alex a menu and disappeared into the establishment. you both decided to stay quiet before getting on topic. neither of you want to start the conversation.

after both ordering and having surface level conversation for a while silence fell. you both know why you're here, it feels off to talk like nothing ever happened.

"okay-"

"so-"

you both start at the same time. alex awkwardly chuckles while covering his mouth.

"you first."

alex proposes. you nod and like magic lose the somewhat content mood you had prior. you steadily breathe in and pull out your phone.

"so, first things first; my main goal is to get closure and an explanation - there's no point in lying to me."

alex hums in agreement. you could tell he was nervous, you knew him better than anyone. you tap on your screen a few times until you reach the photo that was sent to you.

"now, i want a clear answer. what happened that night?"

you ask him firmly as you put your phone on the table to reveal the image.

"that's my ex-girlfriend."

alex said. you raise an eyebrow - his ex? you've heard some wild things about her and her antics, which is exactly why alex broke up with her in the first place.

"she said she wanted to ask me something in private. my dumbass said yes, because i can't pick up on context clues, apparently."

you cross your arms and lean back on the chair.

"you got that right."

alex looks up from the photo and makes eye contact with you.

"long story short, she pushed me to the wall and kissed me. i tried to push her off but she didn't let me go. after shoving her, like, twice she finally got the hint and left."

~

"so she set you up?"

"she hasn't changed a bit since all those years."

you say with a hint of condescension. his explanation made sense, and from what you heard he wasn't lying. your gut told you to believe him, yet your mind had an itching feeling that there was something else.

"are you sure that's all?"

alex flinched slightly.

"y-yes, ___. i don't know what else to tell you."

you mess with your hair a bit, clearly conflicted. there was nothing else, you knew that. but your brain wouldn't let it go. you decided it's better if you just sleep on it.

"alright, then.-"

you grab your bag and stand up.

"-i think we're done here."

alex stays seated and looks up at you.

"yeah, i think so."

you pick the phone up that's laying on the table. you pull out your wallet and put a $5 bill under your teacup.

"goodbye, alex."

"wait!"

alex stands up and grabs your wrist, the gesture scaring you little bit.

"are you still mad at me?"

those eyes. they're so pretty, almost sparlking. you snap out of it when he lets go, just realizing how weird it is to grab someone's arm out of nowhere.

"sorry, my bad. i wasn't thinking."

alex scratches the back of his neck.

"i'm still deciding if i can trust you, but i appreciate you showing up, at least."

"that's enough for me."

alex smile at you, not trying to pry.

"goodbye, ___."

"goodbye, alex."

~

you heard the chirping of the birds outside your window and groan. why is it already morning? you sit up and grab your phone from the nightstand next to your bed, the phone reading 11:23 - tuesday - xx-xx-xxxx.

you sigh and fall back onto your bed. you've been thinking about alex for a few days now, still not getting him out of your head.

after going downstairs and eating some toast you pull out your phone again, the clock now reading 12:44. you look through your contacts and eventually land on his name.

you hover your hand over the green pixels while sitting down at the dining table. you swallow audibly and click the call button.

it goes once.

it goes twice.

"___?"

'Hey alex, i wanted to ask you if you wanted to meet up again?"

ty for reading <3

m.list

taglist: @adoring-ghost @sakisaralazy @for-memories-sacrifice @ialexabsuniverse @shiyanchan @bioluminescentfrog @esylwen

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[moved2violentfeedist]

and it gets harder and harder to walk her out - in no small part because he's pushing his appetite to greater and greater extremes with her encouragement. He knows he can't keep doing this, can't keep seeing her and letting her tempt him into overindulgence, but she's so encouraging and it feels so good, especially when he overdrinks - which is inevitable whenever they meet, these days. He was always a fan of good alcohol but now she shows up with a bottle of whiskey or two bottles of wine or a six pack of beer and he jokes that she'll end up turning him into a lush, and she just laughs him off like it's ridiculous, like she doesn't notice how much more free with his hands he is when he's tipsy, how his stare lingers where it shouldn't when he's buzzed and on the edge of a food coma, tongue lolling a little and eyes half-lidded, how she can get away with rubbing his belly and curling up close and she does, it's how they end every night now. He's not sure if she's a demon sent to seduce him into all seven sins in the most intoxicating way possible, or if she's an angel sent from God to reward him for his service. He knows she's just his friend that he's in love with who enables him too much, but the power she has over him is unearthly. He pops his waist button under that big heavy robe during mass on Good Friday and he has to just keep going, pretending that his pants didn't just burst. They're too tightly clinging to even worry about them falling, and luckily the choir is singing and nobody hears it, but he thinks he sees her eyes catch on where the button lands, and he's mortified to see an amused grin light up her face. He's supposed to accompany her to her family's Easter Sunday dinner, but when he considers it, all he can picture is getting stuffed stupid at the table, gut hanging out and groaning under her experienced hands, infatuation and indulgence putting him in a stupor so he can't stop gazing at her like a besotted fool even as her relatives gawk and grimace, disgusted and scandalized, and with secondhand embarrassment. Most damning of all is how his dick twitches at the thought. 6/?

(the rest!!)

He's conditioned himself into constant overeating, and associating gluttony with her, and thus gluttony with lust, and he knows if he doesn't end things now it'll be past the point of no return. Saturday night, he cancels Easter with a text, and she's obviously disappointed. But don't worry, she says, she understands. Actually, she has another friend who might appreciate a seat at the table, some guy he's heard her mention before who is annoyingly single and charming and pointedly not a supposed to be celibate priest who is overdrinking and overeating himself out of his collar. So it's fine. He shoves a muffin or four down his throat to push the guilt and the jealousy away, washes it down with some beer, then puts away everything that remains of the candy that was left over from the Easter egg hunt, but all any of it does is turn him on, make it more impossible to stop thinking of her, pain from the stuffing and pain from the jealousy and pain from wanting to touch her so badly all mingling into a repulsive, delicious torture. It's not the first time time he's broken down and touched himself to fantasies of her since he was sent here but it's the first time that he struggles to reach his dick when he starts. Further proof of what she's done to him.

Easter morning comes and goes, and the hour that was supposed to be for her family supper passes too, and he spends that time sequestered away in his domicile. He tries to resist eating, turns on the TV, goes online, fucking reads the Bible for the first time in a shamefully long while, but he can't get his brain off of her and his stomach is growling noisily, greedily, demanding and spoiled, and his willpower's been shot to hell since he got here. And the curse of being the local priest is there's just always something in the fridge.

He doesn't even pretend to protest. He's devolved past the point of caring. His belly peeks out between the gaps of his buttons - it didn't even occur to him to button it the rest of the way before opening, let alone cover himself further, not when he knew it was her and it hurts and he wants her to rub him and he wants her to feed him more. He suddenly realizes a spoon hangs out of his mouth. She gives him a fond look and waltzes in, closing the door and leading him over to the kitchen table, sitting him down and taking the spoon out of his mouth and saying, "I was sorry you couldn't make it today, so I brought you leftovers. It feels like I hardly see you these days - " it's only been three days since he last saw her, not even, but her words still ring true, he's gotten used to daily visits and he already feels neglected, even if it was him who tried to break this off, "so I thought we could take the chance to catch up." She's sat so close she may as well be between his thighs, and as she says that last bit, her hand gently skirts where his waistband cuts into his middle. That's all it takes for a soft, breathy moan to escape him, and she grins, biting her lip, taking that as permission to use the spoon she took from him to scoop up some leftovers as she slips to her knees between his thighs, and hands the spoon back to him. He takes it on instinct, too distracted by the way she goes to touch him to stop himself from shoveling more food down his gullet. It feels so good, it tastes so good, even better because she brought it here for him, for this, and it's not like he's actually fucking her, it doesn't actually count, this isn't that bad, in the grand scheme of things, but who honestly fucking cares if it is? She's muttering soft little things, telling him how much she missed him for the longest time, how happy she was when he came back, how she wants to take care of him, how she wants to make him happy. His thoughts are glazed over as she soothes him the way he can't do himself, when she says, "Dinner wasn't the same without you. My friend tries, and he's nice, but he just can't measure up yet." And somehow now he's both smug and jealous. Yet? Is that a warning? She just keeps massaging his gut, expression unrevealing. He starts swallowing faster, more, big globs of everything he can reach, barely even tasting it for once. He has to eat more. He has to show her that whoever else she knows, they can't do what he can. He's tossed the spoon aside now, opting to scoop with his hands, grease and crumbs and gloop covering him, staining his shirt and his skin. He needs her to like him best - he can't give her other things, but he can impress her like this, he can't have this taken away, he can't. She tells him he's earned this, he deserves it, he's worked so hard and he's so good, for God and for her both, and he bucks against her hand as it dips lower than she's ever gone before. He groans through his mouth full of mush, digging into the new basket of candy, hoping for the sheer sugar in his fists to keep him awake and aware... or at least not comatose. It's past the point of pretenses now, when she has her hand on his cock, drawing out long, teasing strokes, in contrast to his urgent panting that quickly degenerates into pleading. He huffs and puffs under her hands, but she steps away before he can come, and he growls in frustration, nearly lunging forward in his animal like desire... if only his belly didn't weigh him down, sloshing and aching and making him gasp. Her lips quirk into a pleased little grin, soft and sensual and undetered, as she takes out a couple bottles of wine.

With some effort and a lot of coaxing, she leads him to the couch and after he settles, he's startled into a groan when she straddles what little space is left in his lap, so his belly is cradled between her thighs. She uncorks the first bottle, and guides one of his hands to the neck, leaving one of her own on its base and slipping the other on top of his gurgling, groaning gut. She says something cheeky about him being a lot more flesh, more body than blood, says she brought him something to drink to balance him out. He's already still heavily buzzed from all the drinking he did before she arrived, but he doesn't hesitate to lift the rim to his lips and start swigging. When he starts to slow, she lifts the hand still on the bottle, tipping it further before he can object - which he never would. He's too enamored with her and addicted to the game to do anything but play along, no matter how drunk and fat she intends to make him. He's hiccupping severely by the time he finishes the first bottle, but she rewards him with a warm, soft, indulgent kiss on the mouth - the first they've ever shared - and his breath hitches and his whole body shudders violently. He's hissing under her by now, his parted mouth stained dark pink from the red wine, little dribbles of magenta spittle drooling from the corner of his lips from when she tipped the bottle ever so slightly too far and he'd overflowed.

[spideyspeaches]

Vibrations per minute ↬ P.P

AN: Based on this post ehehe. (Also 223 followers?! I’m not crying you are ಥ‿ಥ Beta read by my baby sis @parkerpeter24​ <3<3

➳ Pairing: Peter Parker x Stark!Reader

➳ Warnings: smut (semi public), vibrator, minors dni

➳ WC: 1.8k +

➳ Masterlist || Taglist

Peter Parker was not who he looked to be. He was the kind of guy who impressed parents with his bambi eyes and A+ academic performances, but at the same time, he could be a little shit and tease the fuck out of you. For example-

Bets were a naturally occurring event in the Avengers compound, whether it was between Sam and Bucky about who could eat the most number of marshmallows in one go or between Tony and Peter on who could digest more amount of coffee in the least amount of time (both of which landed them in the medbay). 

So maybe placing a bet with your boyfriend may not have been your most intelligent choice. You were a smart woman, you should have known better than to place a bet with Spider-Man, especially if the bet included cardio. 

And now you were facing the consequences. 

You were sitting in the post mission debriefing room, thighs clenched as you saw your boyfriend trying (and failing) to hide his shit eating smirk. You felt the vibrations inside you once again, a little faster than before. Suppressing a moan, you tried to glare murder at him without letting the others know. 

Puffing your cheeks, you slid down the chair, hands folded on your chest. You were pretty sure your cheeks were blood red with the amount of heat you felt.

"Y/N are you sure you're alright? You look a little flushed." Steve asked, shifting to look at you from where he was besides You. He looked concerned.

"Uh- yeah- yeah I'm good. Just exhausted." You stuttered a response. Huffing, you tried to discreetly rub your stomach from clenching. A little whimper escaped your throat, which you quickly suppressed by picking up the glass of water and chugging down some.

Sam looked at you weirdly, the others not paying attention as Nick Fury asked them questions. 

"Miss Stark if you think you're going to get out of debriefing because your little boyfriend and father are sitting here, you're wrong. Please pay attention" Fury said, looking at you with his pirate eye, before turning around and muttering, "I swear sometimes they behave like school children."

You gave Bucky and Sam a glare as they snickered. 

"I'm sorry, I'll- uhh- I'll pay more attention. I'm just, my tummy hurts." You whimpered, flushing when you realised you had said "tummy" in front of the Avengers. 

"Well you better take care of the tummy ache. Don't want you to poo all over here." Peter smirked, your jaw dropping at how rude the little shit was. How unfortunate would it be when he finds out someone had burnt his Kylo Ren special edition figurine? 

"Fuck you asshat." You seethe, your glare intensifying when he increased the rate of vibrations using the phone app he was holding under the desk.

"Y/N, Peter, enough of this, now listen to what Pirate here has to say before he asks you to skedaddle back to your nursery." Your dad says, rolling his eyes at your childish banter.

You wanted to get out of there. Right away, because you couldn't take the shudders in between your legs anymore, or you would orgasm right there, in front of everyone. 

So to get back at them, you raised your hand like you were in elementary school, asking the teacher for permission, "May I go to the washroom? I wanna poo." You ask innocently, smirking when Fury widened his eyes.

Averting your eyes to your boyfriend, you silently conveyed your message, hoping that he got what you were up to. 

Ignoring the laughter of the babies in the Avengers' bodies, you stood up abruptly before he could change the settings anymore, walking stiffly to the bathroom.

"That was kind of mean of me." Peter finally said when you were out of his vision. 

"Yeah kid, I would've kicked your ass if I didn't know that she would do it before me." Tony snarked, curling his lips and shaking his head before going back to the dossier in front of him.

"You should go and apologise to her Pete. She looked upset." Steve piped in, his disappointed eyebrowsTM showing their way.

"She's in the toilet and he's a horny teenager, you really want him to go right now?" Sam said.

"Ew Sam, get your gutter brain out of here!" Peter defended, not meaning what he said.

In fact he was going to do just that. The entire time during the mission, you had been teasing him one way or another, whether it was landing in certain poses or just touching him every chance you get.

The bet was just an opportunity for him to get back at you for leaving him hot and bothered, dreaming about you all night in that tiny lingerie with spider prints on them.

“Yeah Sam, get out of here.” Natasha joked. Before he could witness the counter arguments though, he left the room, leaving a very noisy meeting room and a very frustrated Nick Fury. 

He found you in the bathroom stalls near the cafeteria. It was the women's bathroom but no one was around this time of the night, so he entered it. 

He could hear your moans and pants, your arousal hitting his nostrils as he tried to hyperfixate on you. His jeans suddenly felt strained at his… web shooter area. 

Opening the bathroom door, he clenched his fists. You were standing there, vibrator out of you and your finger inside, eyes scrunched as you threw your head back, not even noticing him enter.

"Why are you touching yourself?" He growled, smirking innocently when you jerked up, eyes taking a lustful look that sent his blood rushing south. 

"It's your fault. You were the one who made me horny in the middle of those boomers." You gritted. 

Your hand was poised on your waist now, legs still spread apart, your pussy on display. 

Grabbing you by your ass, he picked you up and slammed you against the wall, kissing your jaw, "Just seeking revenge." He mumbled  

"Oh oh Petey- revenge for what?" You moaned, arching your back as he undressed you, grabbing your now unclothed boob and sucking on one nipple, twisting the other with his fingers.

Moaning at the sensation of the cool tiles, you dug your fingers at his back, your wet pussy throbbing for a feel of his dick.

"You did it on purpose didn't you? Showing off during missions?" He sucked at your skin, leaving it tender and brushed, "you know how hot you look while you kick ass?" 

He unbuttoned his pants, letting his dick slip out with his boxers. His length never ceased to amaze you, the thick organ making your mouth water. You imagined it slipping into you, your thighs slipping wider on instinct.

He saw the look you were giving him, his lustful eyes full of mirth and desperation. Without waiting any further, he slipped out a condom from his discarded jeans' pocket, sliding his dick into your wet entrance, your ass hitting the wall as he pushed into your walls. 

Throwing your head back, you hissed as your walls clenched around him.

"You get, you get turned on when I kick ass?" You panted, grabbing his hair in desperation to the coiling in your gut, "Fuck I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna come Pete." 

"Well what are you waiting for princess?" He nibs your ear, squeezing your breasts to his now naked chest. You shuddered at the coolness of his body, he's always been cold to touch. 

"Fuck princess, feel so good." His mouth was slack, his thrusts getting harder as he shoved into you, "so tight for me. Enjoying my cock in your pussy eh?"

"Yes! Oh- I love it Pete I love it!" Hitting your head on his chest, you pinched his nipple, making him groan and hit your stomach, the slapping sound echoing in the bathroom.

"Say it louder pretty girl" 

"Why?" You whined, "I should get back to you for using the vibrator but I'm having too much fun." 

You groaned, Your eyes scrunched when his thrusts started to slow down, his senses too overloaded to work together with his stamina.

"Yeah you're needy aren't you?" He said, out of breath from your little meet. He set you down, wiping off your cum using the tissue paper, flushing it off in the toilet. 

He took a minute to just admire you. Your body was shining from sweat, your breath coming out in short pants. You were completely naked, breasts out to the display. He flushed when you smirked at him, you had caught him staring. Not that you minded.

"My beautiful girl." He said, voice husky from strain as he closed the distance between you both, holding you in his arms. 

You laid your head on his chest, rubbing your cheeks against his pectorals. You could hear his racing heart, chuckling when you saw heat rising up his chest to his neck and then face. 

"Why are you blushing? We literally just fucked." You laughed, tracing circles on his collarbones. He looked ethereal from where you were standing, perfectly sculpted by a skillful sculptor. 

"Because you're amazing and I can't believe you're my girl." He said. 

"Mmhm,” You nodded against him, “Also, do you always keep a condom in your pocket?" 

        __________••☆••__________

There were many reasons as to why you keep around Peter, and one of them is that he's an amazing chef. Living with his aunt and uncle, he and Ben had been the main source of home cooked meals, because Aunt May was never good at cooking. 

You saw him standing in the kitchen, flipping pancakes while he hummed to some melody. You didn't mind, you could stare at him all day. Thankfully, none of the Avengers were awake yet (but they would be. They're huge fans of his food) 

"Morning." You smile, wrapping your hands around his waist, placing your head on his back.

"Did you sleep well?" He asked, moving around as you clung to him like a koala. Giggling, you wrapped your legs around his waist, jumping on his back like a potato sack. 

"Mmhm, the best sleep I've had in a long while." You mumble, words muffled by his back.

"Is that so?" He asked. 

"Yup." 

Hearing shuffling noises, you quickly jumped off of him, fixing your t-shirt and sitting on the dining table.

You saw as Steve and Sam entered the kitchen, Natasha soon following suit. Clint had left for his home early that morning, wanting to meet Laura and his kids as soon as he could. 

You smiled at each of them, nodding a good morning and helping them sort a plate. 

You were arranging the plates when you heard a choked gasp. Alarmed at the sound, you looked up at Steve's horrified expression, looking at where he was pointing a finger.

"What?" You asked, biting your lips.

"That- is that a hickey?!?" 

Slapping your neck, you let the plate clatter on the table, ignoring Peter's scrambled replies. You saw Bucky entering from the corner of your eye, unable to formulate a coherent answer.

"Oh my god, Bucky they totally fucked yesterday!" 

Page dividers by @cicicantblog​

[b0rista]

— 𝐁𝐄𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐀 𝐌𝐎𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐍 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐈𝐄, 𝐒𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐀, 𝐉𝐄𝐀𝐍, & 𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐂𝐎 𝐒𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐃. ˚ ༘♡ ·˚ ₊

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: language, because i can't form sentences without using "fuck" every other word JDJD.

𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑'𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒: i only made this modern because i desperately wanted to include marco to the fullest leave me aloneEffsg. gn! reader, and i went pretty lengthy on this one so beneath the cut is where the headcanons start :)

𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐓: bearbrickjia on instagram!

by far, the best friend group to have. everyone balances one another out, and it's a perfectly imperfect mesh of teenagers.

there's jean, the group's centerpiece. he's the alpha of the posse, usually working as their own personal line leader whenever they're caught doing something as a group. he'll never admit it, but he's also the dad friend. of course, he's more of a "i wish i never gave birth to you oh my god please leave me alone also i love you" type than the stereotypical dad friend.

there's marco, the glue holding the group together. unsurprisingly, he's the calm, kindhearted support system that balances out the cokeheads, keeping them all sturdy. without a doubt, the group would fall apart without him. they need him, okay!! and by "them," i mean jean and yourself. marco, never change.

following up, there's connie & sasha, the wonder twins. their roles are pretty self explanatory, given their natural rambunctiousness. they're the two that hang out outside of the group the most, for obvious reasons. they're the crackhead siblings that bring life to the group, despite the hot water they typically land the others in. through their antics and their comic relief, they're irreplaceable. still, it's easy to want to strangle them sometimes.

next, there's you! because you're the reader, i won't name any specifics, but you're greatly cherished. you mark your place in the crew through various ways, having a unique relationship with each and every member. when he's in need of a breather outside of his typical nest (AKA marco), jean hits your line. if you're needing any kind of assistance with literally anything ever, marco's there to help. craving some chaos? bitch, connie & sasha have GOT YOU.

the main hangout spot is jean's house, 100%. not only has his mom practically adopted the whole squad, but there's only two people living there, so it isn't crowded. connie banned literally all four of you from his place, lmao. there was too many people there, and his family lives to humiliate him.

the group has this one policy, set down by yourself and jean: four piece maximum. this is directed solely towards sasha, of course, considering her tendency to raid her friends' fridges entirely of any food. if she's ever caught rummaging through a fridge for longer than necessary, it's the home owner's duty to shout, "four piece minimum!"

^ it never fails to startle her 😭. one time, she hit her head so hard on the fridge ceiling at jean's house she had to use a bag of frozen peas to soothe the swelling.

then, she proceeded to eat the thawed out peas. jean gagged.

the inside jokes? endless. all it takes is one word from a single event, and the five of you are losing your shit. it's cute, to be honest, how overzealous you all get from a single instance from months ago.

"ha. heh. hee."

"what is it?"

"ngGhh,, chEDDAR TIDDIES-"

"AHHHHHAGAGSHHDJF-"

if there are any inside jokes formed between two group members that isn't shared with the rest of them, there will be immediate bitterness. one time, you and sasha were giggling to yourselves over some druggie named jerry who'd tried selling baskets of rotten cherries to the two of you during a gas station haul— the boys were not having it. what the fuck were you doing without them, "friends"?

right before starting your guys' senior year of highschool, the five of you were on a group facetime when you all sent your schedules into group chat. due to the scarceness of your soon-to-be-majors, absolutely none of you had any classes together. you had a single lunch period with connie while marco had one with jean, but that was about it. it was,, a dramatic discovery. sasha fucking screamed.

"i have nothing with nobody!"

"calm down, sash-"

"you have lunch with y/n! LUNCH! that's my place, lunch. this is despicable, this is evil, this is a braus hate crime-"

yeah, she didn't take it that well. it's okay, doe. the four of you made a special effort during your passing periods, giving sasha enough of a fix for her to make it through each and every day.

it isn't like the five of you don't hang out outside of the classroom, either!! if you hadn't already made plans during that week, the weekend is where you absolutely thrive as a group. study sessions that always shift into exclusive house parties, lunches spent at your favorite places, the occasional visit to the movie theater, and so on. with a mini crowd like that, it's hard for any of you to get bored.

jean's hopeless crush on mikasa is a big factor in your friendship. when everyone minus marco (because he's an angel) isn't mercilessly teasing him, you're all trying to actually help the fucker score the girl. from talking him up obnoxiously enough whereas she'll hear, or flat out telling her to give him a chance, it's an actual effort. though, it's unfortunately all to no avail. shawty's too smitten with eren to even consider her options.

^ with that being said, the four of you have to give jean the "there are other fish in the sea" scoop more often than you'd like to admit.

group cuddles. that's that.

because he's the tallest and therfore the longest (probably, depending on your height), everybody has a chosen body part of jean's to latch onto during naps. connie has one leg while you have the other, and sasha keeps her head rested on his shoulder. marco's at the very bottom, entangling his legs in your own. somehow, this is heaven for jean. he'll never admit to it, though. as far as any of you are concerned, he HATES IT.

ranking from #1 as the best and #5 as the worst, these are the rated group therapists: ⇩︎

#1: marco. self explanatory, he's an amazing listener and provides supremely good advice. that, and he'd literally rather die than let any of his friends internalize anything they're dying to let loose.

#2: you. really, you're just a lot better than jean or connie. sasha's okay at it, but she's not the best at rationalizing, leaving you at second best. basically, when marco isn't available, you're where the freak shows go. marco goes to you about things, too.

#3: sasha. again, she's just a loT better than the final two. sasha's a sweetheart! she's empathetic, and nonjudgmental. we love her in this house.

#4: connie. also somewhat of a sweetheart, although not as much as sasha. he'll drop a shit ton of humor into serious conversations, making them just a tad bit more tolerable.

#5: jean. look, he's a great friend! however, he isn't all that empathetic, and he'll have some trouble understanding. still, he would try his hardest to make you or the other three feel better :,)).

in a modern universe, i know damn well connie's a half-assed stoner 30% of the time. he doesn't light up all that often, and he doesn't tell anybody about it, even you guys. mainly because marco will grill him for it DJFK. however, you stumbled upon his mini marijuana stash and he was like ahh, shit. you didn't really care doe, his secret is safe with you. you, however, now have DIRT on him.

matching bracelets that you all made for eachother yEars ago but never wear 🥺🥺.

many, many, many poly relationship jokes. only jokes, though. some people take it too literally, which y'all just laugh at.

there's a miniature rivalry going on between you and another nearby friend group: reiner, bertholdt, annie, ymir, and christa. of course, all of you are friends, it's all fun in games— most of the time, anyway. it's a funny rivalry, and you guys go at it quite a bit.

one of your guys' most intense debates is whether or not marco has freckles on his dick.

he,, refuses to show any of you, or even anSweR you.

"you act like we can't just check whenever we use the urinals, man."

"CONNIE-"

now, marco refuses to go to the bathroom at the same time as any of the boys <\33.

the group band? black eyed peas.

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

Will slapped the shit outta Chris tho

Oh yeah! I heard about that, and checked out the footage since I didn't wind up watching the Oscars. Actually, if it wasn't for this bit of news, I wouldn't have even known that The Oscars had happened. I don't think I've watched them since...2017? Whichever year it was when Lala Land got named Best Picture by mistake. Because honestly, nothing can top that. Although, this might.

I don't really have a major opinion about this. A number of people are fiercely siding with Will or with Chris. Eh, the way I see it, the fight doesn't have anything to do with me and I'd just as soon not get involved. Making that joke was absolutely a dick move, but I dunno if I would have gone as far as to punch him. I half wondered if the whole thing wasn't staged, since if you know your fight choreography - Will facing away from the camera and Chris having his hands behind his back is like, the ideal set-up to fake a slap. But with how emotional Will got when he yelled at Chris and later during his acceptance speech...I dunno. I wonder if he's going through something right now.

The worst thing to come out of all this is the racism, though. There's literally no reason this has to be about race at all, since all three parties involved were black, but from what I hear, people are using this to justify racist "hot takes" about Will and/or Chris. The Academy is apparently deciding whether or not to rescind his Oscar, which they have never done ever for any of the white sexual predators who've won Oscars over the years. But now that a black guy punches someone, with provocation mind you, that's worth putting him in review? My question for the Academy is this: If not skin color, what else is there about this situation that makes Will different? That warrants such action?

As for Chris Rock, yeah, definitely a joke in bad taste. I know Comedians often play close to the edge and all, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a cruel joke, especially since (and I am not the most knowledgeable about this subject at all, just putting it out there.) Jada is apparently very sensitive about this subject. I've seen people describe it as ableism as well, which I will admit, confused me a little. Is alopecia considered a disability? That is a genuine question asked in good faith, because if so, I had no idea. I always thought that it caused hair loss, but that was it. Either way, don't make fun of physical details about people, especially if they're related to ongoing insecurities. That's not cool.

[watching-pictures-move]

Movie Review | Angel (O'Neil, 1984)

Given the sleazy subject matter, I was surprised by the amount of warmth in Angel. This is a movie about a child prostitute whose friends are murdered by a serial killer, yet in delivering these salacious elements, the movie achieves an impressive level of dramatic weight. There's a surprising amount of attention devoted to the social dynamic on the street, between the prostitutes and the other performers, including a Charlie Chaplin impersonator and a kindly old cowboy played by Rory Calhoun. These characters are likable individuals with real personalities who form something of a family with the heroine played by Donna Wilkes. Even more surprisingly, the movie does a respectable job with its LGBT characters, including an old trans prostitute played by Dick Shawn and a lesbian landlady played by Susan Tyrell. Are they broadly drawn? Yes, but the movie shows a welcome amount of compassion toward them - they're a source of some humour but not the butt of the joke. You get the sense that Hollywood Boulevard isn't just a hive of scum and villainy like the premise would suggest, but a living, breathing community. A good amount of credit goes to the cinematography by Andrew Davis, who is no great visual stylist but brings some of the same feel for location that would distinguish Code of Silence, which he directed the following year. His work is particularly gripping in the climactic chase, where his reliance on handheld gives the action an almost vérité quality.

Movies like this tend to be a bit conservative in that the police are shown to be a stabilizing force, sometimes painting over the antagonistic relationship they've had with sex workers in real life, but again the movie deserves some credit for making its sympathetic cop character kind of an asshole. Yes, he cares, but he's not someone the heroine can readily go to for help. Perhaps unintentionally, it shows the limitations of sympathetic outsiders to this world, in showing a brief yet completely unhelpful visit from a concerned teacher, whose attitude towards the heroine's LGBT friends comes off as entitled and condescending. After Savage Streets, this is the second movie I watched in a row that tries to link the ugly realities of the street with the comfortable domestic existence enjoyed by its assumed target audience, and specifically its impact on children (in the words of Helen Lovejoy... *wrings hands*).

Like that movie this is clumsy in making the connection, although the attempts to pass the cast off as teenagers is less egregious here. Wilkes looks with pigtails a little bit like what Steve Buscemi looks like with a baseball cap turned backwards, and her level of agency feels a bit implausible given her character's age, but she sells this about as well as it can be and turns in a pretty likable performance on the whole. There's also a kid who looks like Poindexter from Revenge of the Nerds and a couple of douchebags, one of whom wears a blazer despite the school not having a uniform, who antagonize the heroine. (The heroine wears a blazer as well, complete with gold buttons. Blazers seem to have been more popular among high schoolers in the '80s than the 2000s when I was of that age. Also beads. Between this and Savage Streets I've seen enough fucking beads for a lifetime.) I did appreciate in delivering the skin quotient, it at least didn't excessively sexualize the heroine (it gets in a few superfluous shower scenes for that purpose), and has a welcome twist on the perfunctory rape scene you think it's setting up.

And of course, the movie wouldn't be very much fun if it didn't have a good villain, and the one here is a real sick fuck. The movie lets you know what a sick fuck he is almost right away. We see him stab a raw egg and drink the yolk while staring at a picture of his mother. He even eats the eggshells. What kind of a sick fuck would do that? His own mother? And then we see him scrubbing himself with a sponge while his junk is facing an uncovered window? What if somebody sees? This fucking sicko probably doesn't even care. And later we see him shaving his own head with a switchblade. Does he even own a razor? Probably, that's how fucked up he is. The picture of the mother is likely the movie's attempt to draw a parallel between him and the heroine's own domestic situation, but given that he's mostly a blank slate (aside from the murders and fucked up personal habits), it doesn't really land. But that's ultimately to the movie's benefit, as the movie's reframing of the slasher movie template keeps us firmly on the heroine's side as the bodies pile up. Not great by any means, but I was pleasantly surprised by how invested I was in this.

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Sixty-One

Words: 3.6K

Warning(s): explicit language, sexual situations, mentions of drug abuse

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I pour dog food into Whisky's bowl, hearing his little paws smack against the floor as he rushes into the kitchen, his collar rattling and his excited panting greeting me when I feel his tongue licking at my arm.

"Good morning." I say to him, patting at his head before he starts eating. 

Once he's finished I'm picking him up as  Nikki comes in, scratching another thing off his to-do list. 

When he steps by me I grab at his hand to stop him and he shakes his head. 

"Nah, I don't need dog hair on me, babe." He grins, dodging me and I follow him. 

"But, daddy, look at this cute little face." I hold the puppy out to him, giving my best puppy dog eyes and Nikki raises a brow. 

"Whisky, tell mommy she can't call me 'daddy' because it'll make me wanna do stuff to her that I don't have time to do right now." He warns, grabbing his packed suit case. 

"We're about to leave for a couple months, Nikki, and he'll be at obedience school. At least hold him for a minute so he won't forget we love him." I suggest and Nikki blinks at me. "I'll give you a blowjob on the way to the airport." I add. 

"Aww, boy, am I gonna miss you!" He takes the happy little Whisky from me and holds him, kissing at his head and calling him a "good boy." "Viv, he's gonna be the best lookin' little stud muffin in that place." He tells me. 

"Speaking of which, maybe they'll figure out a way to combat the humping." I say and Nikki looks at me.

"We're not getting him fixed."

"Are we going to breed him or something?" 

"No, I just don't wanna take his balls, Viv. He's a man's man. He's a good boy. Not a good 'kinda/sorta' boy." 

"He's gonna be more prone to hump anything and everything, and pee on everything more than normal and it'll be a struggle to take him anywhere with other dogs because he'll wanna misbehave."

"Exactly, it'll be like me as a dog." He explains with a smile. "Just look at him, babe. He wants to be just like daddy." 

"Okay, well, if he isn't fixed as soon as he can be, daddy isn't allowed to even breathe the same air as mommy until he gets neutered." I take Whisky back and Nikki cuts his eyes at me. 

"You use your pussy as a like a 'get out of jail free' card anytime you want something and it's annoying." He tells me and I raise my brows. 

"If it's so annoying, why haven't you just put your foot down already?" I ask him, putting Whisky back down on the floor. 

"Because I like the fear of never getting between your legs again. It's thrilling." He jokes and I roll my eyes. 

"Shut up and pack." I chuckle, nudge at him. 

"I'm packed." He states. 

"Four shirts, two pairs of pants, and a Bowie record, isn't 'packed', Nikki." 

"It is when you have money to buy everything else when you get to your destination." He states. 

I ignore him and grab my suit case, about to pack my own stuff. 

When I come back from my closet, two of my bikinis I only wear at home are already laying in the bottom of my suitcase and I look at Nikki, picking the neon pink and bright purple bathing suits up. 

"I already told you earlier, I'm not bringing these, Nikki." I tell him. 

"Why not?"

"The top barely covers my nipples and my boobs spill out, and the bottoms aren't much better."

"But I bought those for you." He reminds me.

"And I like wearing them here, when nobody else is around." 

"At least pack them just in case." 

"Nikki--"

"--Don't argue, Viv. Trust me, you're gonna want them." He says. 

"Fine." I give in, packing them, and my more modest bikinis, before packing clothes and essentials. 

When I come back with pads and tampons, there's articles of lingerie I've never seen before.

"Nikki." I look at him, holding up a scarlett red number with ribbons that criss-cross down the back and tie in a bow where the base of my spine should go. "Are you up to something?" 

"What?" 

"What are you planning?" I ask him and he scrunches his face up. 

"Nothing, baby, I just thought you'd look pretty in that while I'm knocking your hips lose." He shrugs casually. 

"You hate me wearing lingerie while we're fooling around because it interferes with your ability to see everything." I point out.

"Just accept it. And pack it. Because you'll want it." He mumbles. 

"I know you're up to something, Sixx." I accuse him and he shakes his head. 

"No, I'm not up to anything." He denies.

"Skimpy swimsuits, expensive lingerie, sketchy phone calls with Fred...you're up to something."

"Nope. I'm just looking forward to all the time we're gonna spend together on this tour, is all." He shrugs. 

"Mhmm." I sarcastically let out, doubtfully. 

"I mean, if you wanna spend our anniversary--which lands on our day off--with the guys, our opening band, and screaming fans then that's cool, too, I guess." He shrugs. 

"Oh, shit, we have our anniversary this month?"

I might have remembered our anniversary had I been able to wear my wedding ring but it'd gone missing at that point, and I had no clue where it was. 

And neither did Nikki, honestly. 

"I'm not even gonna say anything about you forgetting our anniversary because I've secretly forgotten our anniversary and your birthday every year until someone reminded me a couple weeks in advance, so..." He smiles innocently and I raise a brow. 

Whisky's picked up a couple hours later and Nikki and I are off to the airport without a moment to waste the second our driver pulls up. 

And then the clothes come off.

We don't even notice we're at the airport until the door is flying open to reveal Fred. 

"Get dressed and c'mon, guys, we're running late." He urges as Nikki marks up my neck with his teeth, causing me to laugh at Fred's face turning red in aggravation.

He slams the door shut and I hear them open the trunk to grab our bags and I hum out, smiling when Nikki presses his lips to mine. 

"We gotta go." I breathe out, moving off of him and he groans. "We can do plenty of this in the hotel." I motion between us, buckling my bra, and he smirks. 

"...And on the plane, and on the bus on the way to the show, and backstage, and during Tommy's drum solo, and after the show." He says slyly, pressing a trail of kisses up my arm to my shoulder. 

"Exactly, so, get dressed." I mumble against his lips when he kisses me again. 

Once we're done, we get out of the car and board the plane. 

The stewardesses are gorgeous blondes, which doesn't surprise me, because if Vince has any say in what their female help looks like, they're going to be blonde. 

"Guys, we need a picture!" Tansy insists. 

"Tansy--"

"--I want one." She interrupts Fred, her blue eyes silently begging, and he gives in. 

Morbid reality was that Tansy didn't expect to live much longer, and she wanted to take as many pictures as possible for us to remember her by.

No one really expected Nikki to live much longer, either, of course they never told me that until it was obvious he was crashing.

Once we get the picture taken and take off, it only takes ten minutes before Tommy and Nikki are snorting zombie dust like it's pixie stick powder, and demanding alcohol. 

"You guys need to stay as sober as possible for the show!" Doc argues when Nikki calls him an "asshole" for not giving him a whole bottle of whiskey. 

"We'll be fine like we always are, man, just fucking--"

"--Nikki, please, sit down." I gently tug at his arm when he stands as if he's about to march to Doc and start throwing punches. 

He just glares down at me. 

"Please, baby." I ask him, really, really not wanting to deal with a messed up Nikki Sixx before their show even begins. 

He just stares at Doc before plopping back down beside me, lingering in and out of focus. 

As if it can't get any worse, when we land, there's a slew of groupies waiting in the airport. 

Which we only realize this when we're in their sight and they start in out of nowhere. 

And, of course, ignoring Fred's orders--made from the motivation to keep the guys protected and out of trouble, which is why they hired him--Tommy and Vince gladly accept every single woman throwing herself at them, from the comfort of the bathroom. 

The "Girls, Girls, Girls" tour was nicknamed the "Airport Blowjob Tour" because at every airport we came to, and I mean literally every airport, groupies were like Hornets swarming the place with all the motivation in the world to simply blow the band. 

A few of them would make multiple trips to multiple airports, following the guys wherever city they flew to. 

I admired their passion. 

Some of them were more dedicated to trying to blow my husband than I was. 

Which said a lot because I was pretty dedicated. 

"It's hot as satan's balls out here." Nikki groans when we step off the tour bus after leaving the airport. 

"We're in the middle of Arizona, babe." I remind him. 

He just looks at me from behind his sunglasses. 

"What?" I ask as we head to the hotel's building. 

"Nothing." He shakes his head, opening the door to the lobby, letting me walk in first. 

Doc gets everyone checked in, before I'm getting a shower and getting ready for tonight while Nikki and Tommy dick around. 

By the time we all meet at bus to head to the venue, Fred's got the backstage IDs ready for the road crew and Tansy and I. 

"Here." Fred puts the lanyard over my head with my picture on it, under it reading "Vivian, 6½".

"Thank you." I tell him, climbing in to see Nikki already sitting down, bottle of Jack in his hand as he hands Tommy a lighter for his cigarette.

I'm slightly startled, feeling Vince suddenly throw his arm around me, causing me to stop in my tracks.

"I want a drink. I'm gonna hide in the bathroom and you're gonna sneak it to me." He tells me in my ear and I look at him.

Before I can say, "hell no", I can tell he's desperate. 

"Please, Viv. My nerves are eating me alive right now and I can't drink anything without them jumping on me about it." He nods to Nikki and Tommy who aren't paying attention in the slightest. 

"Vince--"

"C'mon, move it." Doc nudges at Vince's back to get us to hurry up and sit down so he can get by. 

"Fine, gimme a couple minutes." I mumble to Vince before walking to Nikki, sitting down beside him. 

Vince goes to the bathroom, and Emi and Donna sit in front of me and Nikki as Mick sits with Tommy.

Within a few minutes, I'm actively attempting to slyly sneak Nikki's bottle of Jack back to the bathroom after Nikki abandons it to comment on this month's issue of Hustler Magazine with Tommy. 

I tuck the bottle into my purse, well...the best I can, at least. 

"Baby, can you let me out so I can go use the bathroom." I sweetly ask Nikki, and he doesn't even look at me as he responds: "Sure, babe" and stands up, pointing at a girl in the magazine and going "there's no way she's actually able to do that, that's gotta be edited", and I roll my eyes. I wish he wouldn't look at magazines like that, but it's a lost cause if I try to ask him not to, so I just ignore it the best I can and try to tell myself he doesn't look at them because I'm not good enough or something. 

He just looks at them because guys just like looking at naked girls in explicit positions. 

By the time I get to the bathroom, Vince is snatching the bottle from me as I lock the door behind me, crossing my arms in the small bathroom as he takes a long drink of it. 

"You're welcome." I state to him, and he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. 

"Did I thank you?" He smartly asks and I raise my brows. 

"Umm, you should. I'm risking getting an earful from Nikki if he finds out I'm giving his singer--who's on a court mandated sobriety streak--liquor." I blink at him and he rolls his eyes. 

"Oh, please, if he or Tommy were in my shoes they would've put sobriety aside two weeks after it was in place and never would have looked back." He scoffs out. 

I don't argue because it's true. 

"Be nice." Is all I say and he looks at me pointedly. 

"C'mon, Viv, you know it's true. And if it were one of them that got in that wreck with Razzle, and they got caught drinking afterward, nobody would blink an eye because they're Nikki and Tommy."

"Vince, that's not true." I try to tell him.

"Whatever Nikki says, goes. Whatever Nikki wants, he gets. He's the one that put the band together which means his say is the final say, and same with Tommy because he's close with Nikki and Nikki backs him up." 

I can't say anything. 

"And you're not even arguing because you know as well as everyone else that it's true. It's Nikki and Tommy and nobody else fucking matters. Certainly not the washed up singer that nearly killed their careers." 

He hands me the bottle back and I rub my lips together. 

"Thanks." He mumbles before sliding past me to open the door and leave. 

I put the lid back on the bottle and hide it back in my purse before I go back to Nikki and put the bottle back, undetected, my mind reeling over what Vince said. 

It was clear there was a disconnect between Nikki, Tommy, and Vince after Razzle died, and it just got worse and worse as the years went by.

Tommy and Nikki, notorious "Terror Twins" got into more shit than anyone else around us, combined. 

The deepest shit Vince got into was that wreck, and after that he quit a majority of his bullshit on making life for everyone around him, difficult by acting up, and just started moving in silence. 

He'd have his petty moments, but for the most part, he would lay low and leave Tommy and Nikki to raise hell and embarrass the band and their team. 

I could tell he was bothered by the fact that he made a mistake that Nikki or Tommy had a higher chance of making at the time, and because of that, he was kicked out of their little club. 

And the fact that Tommy and Nikki got away with absolutely everything, got to him the most. 

I admit, Vince should have served more time for the Razzle tragedy, but he still had to live knowing Hanoi Rocks was no more, knowing he let fans down, knowing he gutted Razzle's friends, family, band and fans, and knowing--although accidental--he was partly to blame for one of his friends' deaths. 

But Nikki and Tommy didn't give a fuck what they did, who they did it to, why they did it, how they did it, or whether they meant to do it or not. 

And they didn't care because they would always get away with it. 

Always. 

Vince was tempted to tell me about Vanity, but decided not to because he didn't want to hear shit from Nikki, but also because he'd rather me find out from a place of genuine concern. 

Not just him blurting it to me in order to spite Nikki and finally make sure there was something he didn't get away with doing. 

My lips pull into a wide grin as I cover my mouth before a loud shriek can fall past my lips and alert everyone outside the bathroom of the venue, what's going on in here. 

Nikki continues to slide his hot, warm tongue against my clit as I grind in rhythm with his mouth. 

Just as I'm about to come, someone's banging on the door. 

"C'mon, guys!" It's Fred. "Nikki, you're on in, like, two minutes!"

"Got it!" I reply for him, being that his mouth is busy, and Nikki just grins up at me, causing my third orgasm to begin to build. 

"Nikki, dude, we gotta go!" Tommy calls from the other side of the door. 

Just as I'm coming, the door is unlocked with Fred's key, and I'm too shell shocked to try to get away from Nikki. 

We both just look at Doc, Fred, and Rich Fischer, who are nearly fuming. 

"Fred, what the fuck is wrong?" Nikki snaps as I pull my dress back down, my face burning bright red as I try to fix my hair and my lipstick, and ignore my cum running down my legs. 

"You're about to be late for your first show of this tour over some pussy, that's what the fuck is wrong. Get out there." Doc snaps at him. 

"Wait." I say, taking my crucifix off, handing it to him. 

He takes it with a sly little grin, looking at me before clasping it around his neck for good luck on the first show. 

"Thanks, Viv." He tells me, kissing my cheek before he heads to stage. 

I follow after him, but Doc grabs at my arm, gently, to stop me. 

"What?" I ask him, still embarrassed from earlier. 

"You're not going to be too big of a distraction, are you?" He asks me and I raise my brows. 

"Excuse me?"

"Anytime he's late, Vivian, it's either linked to you or heroin, and he's off smack so he's gonna be onto you more." He explains. 

"We've been married for four years, Doc, and I've never been a 'distraction'. What the hell are you talking about?" I ask. 

He just lets out a breath. 

"Just don't let this happen again." He tells me and I exhale, rolling my jaw. 

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again." I assure him, feeling like I've just been scolded by my freaking mother.

"Good." 

Did I mention that Mötley was in their prime and Doc was considerably paranoid of someone throwing a wrench in the machine that was Mötley Crüe? 

Once the show is finished, the guys are given masks for hyperventilation, their sweaty, liquor purging bodies slumped.

After they calm down, it starts.��

"Alright, where we going?" Tommy asks Nikki, punching lightly at his shoulder as Vince is about to get a shower to get the sweat off of him. 

"Strip club, probably." Nikki pants out, drinking a bottle of water in 20 seconds, handing it to me when he's finished. "What about you, Mick, you coming this time?" Nikki asks him and Mick shrugs. 

"Doesn't really matter to me." He states.

"Guys, you want food?" Fred offers, sticking his head in the dressing room. 

"Yes." We all say and he chuckles. 

"Alright, we're on it." He assures us.

"You're not getting a shower?" I ask Nikki and he shakes his head. 

"Nope." He replies and I wrinkle my nose. 

"As long as you shower before you get in the bed with me." I say to him and he smirks. 

"There's two beds in the room." He reminds me. 

I blink at him, blankly. 

"Don't even play like that." I tell him and he chuckles. 

"Don't be a baby, Sixx." He says as he nudges at me and I exaggeratingly move away from him. 

"No, stop." I try to hide my smile as he just gets closer to me again, so I move some more, only causing him to follow. "Nikki, chill out." I say, seeing the look in his eyes: he's up to no good. "Nikki, don't!" 

He's suddenly tugging me into his lap, his sweaty, soaked clothing pressing to my back, causing me to squeal as he tickles at my sides, and I scream out in laughter as I get that nostalgic feeling I felt when I realized I first loved him, and would rather die than go without being with him forever. 

We weren't arguing, we weren't trying to hurt each other, we were getting closer and closer to how we were when we first got married. 

There was no heroin, there was no blatant meanness...we were just starting to learn to be in love with each other again.

I, completely overlooking blatant signs and red flags, figured, "we made it through his heroin addiction, we're making it through fame and public scrutiny, we're getting stronger and stronger and back to normal...mom was wrong, and we can handle anything."

And that was the problem: I felt too fucking secure. 

Hearing and knowing about all these rockstars cheating on their significant others, and I felt prideful that Nikki might've been an asshole, but he'd never do such a thing to me. 

I was beginning to have an arrogance about it.

And that's the thing about us when we get arrogant: God, or the universe, or Karma--whatever we believe--humbles us. 

And I thought all of them had gotten together and made a plan to humble me to absolute hell.