#they’s a family and family shares mental illness ig <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[embermc]

Jack Kelly and Crutchie Morris are brothers bc they both have the same brand of chronic self-hatred but they deal with it in drastically and diametrically opposed ways. Crutchie immediately funnels it into “If I show absolutely no imperfections or vulnerability ever and always be exactly who I think everybody wants me to be, they’ll never have to know how Bad I really am” whereas Jack defaults to “If I just isolate myself, run from everybody, and push away anyone that tries to get close enough to see the real me, they’ll never have to know how Bad I really am.”

[g0ttal0ve101]

🎶💯💤🎄😖🎮 for any of ur little shits :3

they are little shits………my little shits 🫶

TW: obsessive behavior, a lil suggestive, and implications of trauma.

🎶 - what type of music does your oc like? do they listen to music very often?

Sam: weezer/the front bottoms….like. mentally ill homosexuality shit. yes he listens to this shit 24/7….(he j like me fr.)

Evelyn: Beethoven? i mean what else do British people listen to? IM PLAYING-uhh probably shit like the cardigans/cults. and yes, she listens to music when cleaning :)

Thomas: Nirvana/Radiohead. yeah. it’s sickening. no, he doesn’t listen to music often unless it’s on in a party……

Lucian: he listens to literally anything. he doesn’t care. i mean like he doesnt really wanna listen to WAP or something but-yeah no he listens to whatever’s on the radio (he’s fucking weird.) and he doesn’t go out of his way to listen to music.

💯 - share three random facts about your oc that others may not know.

Sam:

1. ALWAYS wants to be riley’s type. so whenever she was dating jordan, HE WOULD DRESS LIKE JORDAN. if he saw riley spare a glance over at some girl, HE WOULD DRESS LIKE THAT GIRL THE VERY NEXT DAY. in other words he has no sense of style himself.

2. he didn’t ALWAYS have his stutter. it developed by the time he was six. also it’s genetic, not any sort of brain trauma or anything - his dad had a stutter when he was young too, but went to speech therapy and eventually fixed it.

3. speaking of which HE DOES HAVE A DAD YALL!!! HE’S ALWAYS OVERSEAS FOR WORK!! VEGA DADDY FOR THE WIN!! and no he’s not abusive or anything either lmao he’s just a busy man.

Evelyn:

1. yes she lived in the UK up until she was fourteen. she’s sixteen now. so she’s only been in the USA for about two years and she regrets coming.

2. she lives with her uncle alfie after the passing of her parents. he’s very distant and barely associates himself with her, but makes sure she’s well taken care of before she turns eighteen and gains all the money her parents left behind. so yeah he’s aight ig

3. she’s very good at horseback riding. (she took lessons from the time she was a kid.) however, she never puts any of that talent to use considering she HATES TOUCHING ANIMALS so yeah that ended quick.

Thomas:

1. had a prosthetic arm (left side) since the time he was nine. how did he lose the first arm? that’s a good question you should ask him!! sometimes it’s because of self harm and losing all circulation after trying to commit, other times it’s because he was kidnapped and the joker himself sawed it off. (he will never tell anyone)

2. he has his own band and plays at parties sometimes. the cooler thing is that david nixon is the drum player even though he despises thomas <3 but a deal’s a deal right? also it works out in the end for both of them bc thomas gets all the chics after singing and david gets all the dudes after playing.

3. a bit of common knowledge but - he has three siblings. an older brother, a younger sister, and a little brother. he hates them all equally. however, they aren’t actually full siblings. they’re all half. Adrian (their father) had babies with FOUR DIFFERENT WOMEN!! role model, am i right? also thomas hates every member of his family lmao.

Lucian:

1. LUCIAN WILLIAMS HAS A TYPE!!! fluffy hair, freckles, a grunge/gothic style, and FUCKED UP TEETH!!!!! GAAAAH!!! both his exes had fucked up teeth (aka sophia had braces and david was missing a lot of his), and now his current boyfriend does. (bitch is a shark.) like shit. he loves those fucked up teeth. <3

2. he has tons of scars. like. tons. and you might be thinking TRAUMA!!!!! bc yes. trauma. however, a lot of them are from him being a dumbass as a kid. he would climb the top of a tree and fall off it. he would swing on his neighbor’s tire swing and fall into a pile of hoarded trash with glass in it. he would try to pull a root out of the concrete stairs and slice his shins after he fell. he is clumsy.

3. it’s time fess up….he’s not a total skinny legend no mo. he works out and is actually PRETTY BUILT. he ain’t got no six pack or nothing but he has nice ass triceps tbh……..and that’s on having an axe as a go-to weapon <3

💤 - is your oc a light sleeper or a heavy sleeper? how are their sleeping habits?

Sam: pretty light sleeper. he’ll wake up whenever he hears footsteps, or when his curtains blow in the wind, or when the fridge turns on. he usually peeks under his eyelashes and then just goes back to sleep.

Evelyn: light sleeper. any little noise makes her sit up and check her surroundings, even if it’s just her furnace turning on. she’s still half asleep when this happens though, so she goes back to sleep pretty easily too.

Thomas: DEEP FUCKING SLEEPER LMAO. you think he cares if there’s a nuclear war outside his window? bro as long as it don’t make one side of his pillow hot…

Lucian: deep sleeper when it comes to noise, light sleeper when it comes to any movement in the room. if anyone touches him, he’s up. if anyone applies pressure to the mattress, he’s up. if any footsteps are in the room, he’s up. you get the point. he will jerk awake if he feels someone else is there with him. (trauma) it’s not so easy for him to lay back down either. depending on what happened, he usually stays up for the rest of night. (this improves if kai’s sleeping with him bc he feels safe.)

🎄 - what’s your oc’s favorite holiday?

Sam: HALLOWEEN! 🎃

Evelyn: EASTER! 🐣

Thomas: HALLOWEEN! ���

Lucian: CHRISTMAS! 🎄

😖 - is your oc an introvert, an extrovert, or an ambivert? do they let people in easily, or are they more reserved?

Sam: not even a question lmao. INTROVERT. and he does NOT let people in easily. only if it’s a pretty young woman named riley morg-

Evelyn: honestly i’d say she’s an ambivert solely because she doesn’t care about being out in public. (she cares about the GERMS.) she doesn’t avoid talking to anyone but she doesn’t go out of her WAY to do it either.

Thomas: EXTROVERT? HELLO? HE’S THE LIFE OF THE PARTY. Thomas knows everyone and their mamas atp. he’s so extroverted that he would commit a crime in the middle of the street and no one would give a fuck because he’s Thomas Hall. and if someone has a problem with him, they’ll just be gone in like 2.0 seconds lmao.

Lucian: this might be a shocker but…introvert. yes lucian is definitely an introvert. he avoids crowds, he doesn’t like talking in front of people, and he definitely doesn’t like people acknowledging him. when he doesn’t know someone, he’s not all bubbles and flowers like he is usually - he’s on high alert. Lucian only shows his true colors around his friends!!

🎮 - what are your oc’s favorite hobbies?

Sam: Reading, mostly. His favorite genre is romance and horror so he can take notes lmao……….

Evelyn: idk what British people do to pass the time…..JK!!! Evelyn loves crocheting and sewing, and designs clothes for her gf a lot <3

Thomas: this man is so talented and yet his favorite hobby is having sex 💀-no but seriously. he can play piano, guitar, and drums. he can sing. he can draw photo realism. he can skateboard. etc. etc. etc. and yet he spends all his free time partying………

Lucian: everyone knows he loves gardening, but he also likes skating and coloring too. :33

[ofxiang-archive]

hi hello !! i'm stevie, i'm 21+, my pronouns are she/they, & i'm really excited to be here with you all now that my work schedule is less hectic ! i've had my eye on infinite for a while & finally decided to join in on the fun - with my beloved baby boy, nikolai ! he's the main vocalist for phoenix, a sweetie with a heart of gold, but he also has #issues &lt;/3 pls feel free to dm me for plotting or drop a like and i'll come to you !!

look who’s joining the infinite tour! only nikolai xiang, who is the main vocalist of phoenix. i’ve heard whispers that the 26 year old is pretty cordial but lowkey neurotic. also, doesn’t he remind you of wen junhui?

tw for: substance abuse, death, abuse, homophobia, & mental illness.

background !

nikolai was born in hong kong on july 5th. he was raised there with his two brothers, one younger & one older, who both shared the same passion for music he did. the xiang's weren't a wealthy family, their father absent & an addict, leaving their mother to do p much everything by herself.

his relationship with his family was great, relying on them a lot growing up. their mother, a music teacher at their school & supporting as ever (bless her soul), uplifted & encouraged them to chase their dreams.

he looked up to his older brother a lot, basically idolizing him - desperately trying to follow his footsteps & be as effortlessly cool (as any younger sibling does tbh), even learning dance from him.

out of the 3, nikolai was always deemed most sensitive, taking literally everything to heart. he was a very sweet & outgoing kid, undoubtedly the softest.

things however took a turn when he was 12. both his older brother and mother were involved in an accident, which tragically took their lives. everything changed then, his brother & himself ending up in their father's care.

it forced him to grow up far more abruptly than any child should; he still had his younger brother to take care of. everything nikolai did from that point on was for him. he protected him from their father, never letting him lay a hand on him, basically raising him himself - they were attached at the hip.

when he turned 14, he started a job and began to save up. at this point in time he was already exhibiting symptoms of mental illness & it would go untreated until his early 20's.

some time later, nikolai began to come terms with his sexuality. he stayed closeted for a while, knowing that the people around him (brother excluded) didn't exactly "approve" of homosexuality. just a few months after his 16th birthday, his father caught him holding hands with another boy - the final straw for all of them.

he ended up getting very hurt physically & thrown out, left to the streets without a care. with nowhere to go, he was alone & afraid, but shortly after his brother joined him with the saved up money (and a handful of their dad's), & they headed for seoul to live with a recently reconnected aunt.

career !

nikolai was street cast only a few months after his move, shortly after his younger brother passed his auditions. initially he declined it because he believed his interest in music was gone, but the scouting agent didn't give up on him - showing up to pester him again a few days later. hesitantly, he finally agreed to do an audition & the rest was history.

he didn't understand why they had so much faith in some depressed kid, & would come to realize much later that it probably saved his life. days as a trainee were extremely challenging, especially with not being properly diagnosed or treated for his mental health concerns, but it gave him something to put his energy into, his passion for it quickly reigniting.

after a few years of being a trainee, nikolai was 20 when phoenix debuted !! all the hard work had finally paid off & the group headed for stardom.

he is very much the mood maker of the group ! he also enjoys doing vlives, ig lives, the works - whether he's with the members or just by himself. a lot of the time, he solo streams in the middle of the night, talking to flames centring him & filling a sort of perpetual lonely void. in these middle of the night lives, flames get to see the quieter side of him.

personality !

there are 2 very different sides to nikolai & he's open about both of them. on one hand, he's an extremely warm, friendly & just universally loved guy, known to goof off a bit and let loose while still being respectful. flames consider him very charming, though he doesn't exactly see it himself.

below the surface though is a tired and broken man. his struggles with mental health is a topic that (after years in the industry) he talks about openly & honestly. his group members & those who knew him in his trainee days are most familiar with this side of him, but he's publically an advocate for mental health, and has been vulnerable with his own.

there are times where it noticeably seeps through in things like variety show appearances & group vlives, but he generally does his best to provide the fans with good energy :( over the years he's taken a few month long hiatuses to focus on getting better.

he's still an extremely sensitive person, kind-hearted, & wears his heart on his sleeve. he would give someone the shirt off of his back, no questions asked. taking care of people is just part of who he is. he's the one who wakes up before dawn to cook breakfast for the rest of the members, the first to offer water or a jacket, constantly making sure the people around him are okay.

VERY DRAMATIC. very extra. he's known to sulk easily, & fans eat that shit up even though it's seldom intentional.

he alsoooo is a bit of a party animal. it's fine when done in moderation, here & there, but he's prone to binge drinking & indulging in that sort of behaviour, especially during difficult times. he can be messy, & it's gotten him in trouble with their manager more than a few times, though he's careful not to let it be seen by the public.

[melsvt]

⌗ park sunghoon x f!reader

⌗ summary: after losing her older brother, yn's mental health was getting worse day by day. Sunghoon, who had a fondness love for her since childhood, couldn't bear to see her like this.

⌗ genre: fluff, angst (a little bit ig?), crack, childhood friends to lovers

⌗ featuring: heeseung, jaemin, ni ki, san (more to be added)

⌗ warnings: mental illness, swear words(?)

⌗ started: 7th may 2022

⌗ ended:??

⌗ taglist: open, send an ask to be added

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━ the simp sunhee and her listeners

━ user profiles

@sucstobechoi or @ewwsan ;; is the youngest member of choi family, seems like she hates her older brother 1 but in deep she loves him. has a mental health problems just like everyone in this story but a good friend to have and a good listener of seonhee

@sunkissed or @heeing ;; she had to beg to heeseung to share same username which heeseung agreed to do. is a very big simp, she always thought she would never had a crush on someone because she was always like "nah, i hate men" but oops here we are.

@itzjinaelojik or @user639263937 ;; don't ask why her user name is like this but she is a definition of a lazy mom, the oldest one in the group. she was in thailand for 3 years and now she is back!

@iprefferboobs or @notanaussie ;; lived in australia for 7 years and she has an australian accent that's why jake is always thinks she is actually from australia, the maknae of the group that's why niki hates her

[atypicalacademic]

Tatiana Amell - The Basics

Thank you for the tag 🥺 @wild-houseplant one (1) Tia for you - I couldn't nab a screenshot because the cc makes her look so thin and she is Not so I made her in this dollmaker instead. Since a bunch of Circumstances change over time for her, I'm setting this in her Warden-worldstate, around a few years after the events of Awakening, while she's still Warden-Commander at Vigil's Keep.

Tagging: Lessee I know @greyvvardenfell has elder scrolls friends to share with the class, @sunrisenfool if you would like, and @ollifree u too <3

Character’s name: Tatiana Mariah Amell

Role in story: Hero of Ferelden

Age: 19 at her Harrowing, 20 by the time she gets to like, Redcliffe. Which means she's in her mid twenties here ig

Physical description:

Holy shit she's so pretty you have no idea Short, like, really short for a human, curvy and chubby (she's always been described as voluptuous). She has deep bronze skin, and black hair she painstakingly cuts into these feathery, bouncy waves. The front few strands of her hair are dyed cobalt blue. At this point in her timeline, she has hair till her mid-back, more or less. She has wide eyes, I describe them as raw-honey brown, fringed by thick lashes, and framed by thick eyebrows. There's a burn mark around her left eye, from when she came into her magic. Her faceclaim is the lovely Aiswarya Lekshmi-

MBTI/Enneagram Personality Type:

MBTI: ENFP (The Campaigner), Enneagram: Type 7 (The Entertainer)

Internal Life

What is their greatest fear?

Isolation, and relatedly, abandonment. When her magic manifested, she had witnessed how her loving family had turned against her, inflicting all manners of abuses on her in hopes that her magic would be "exorcised" (think Chateau d'Onterre), following which she was ripped away from them to a loveless, frightening life at the Circle. It's safe to say that she never recovered from those wounds, and so she lives in absolute terror of being alone, or abandoned. She also suffered bouts of being locked up in Kinloch's dungeons whenever she "acted up", leading to this fear worsening.

Inner motivation:

Her loneliness, actually. Or to put it in happier terms, her need for connection. Everything she does is informed by it, from her mistakes to her legend, it's all so she could prove that there was something worth staying for, in herself.

Kryptonite:

Love. Tia lives by her heart. She would go to just about any lengths for love, to find it, and to keep it. It has led her to many unsavory places before, to many reckless decisions, to many ways of being taken advantage of by those with ill-intentions. Luckily, her love is also deeply informed by compassion; and I don't mean just romantic love; she would gladly lay down and die for Morrigan, her best friend, if it meant she would love her just a little more.

What is their misbelief about the world?

That magic is a curse. This definitely doesn't translate as distaste for fellow mages or anything, though, she absolutely believes that the Circles are cruel systems. But magic destroyed her life, and it destroyed her family, and everything was fine before she had it. Chantry brainwashing didn't help this mentality either, though Tia's fiercely an atheist. She just believes that her magic is a dreadful thing, and only if she tries really really hard, she would be good despite it.

Lesson they need to learn:

That not everyone needs to like her, and she does not need it to be salvaged.

What is the best thing in their life?

Zevran.

What is the worst thing in their life?

At this point? Responsibility. She bears it well enough, but being responsible for an Arling as well as the Wardens takes a huge toll on her mental health, especially since as Commander, she can't hold on to people for support as she needs to.

What do they most often look down on people for?

Aside from the obvious, like idk, being racist, she doesn't like people who are austere to prove a point. She's an utter hedonist, and she's sorry they can't seem to get that happiness is the point, actually.

What makes his/her/their heart feel alive?

So many things. Sunrise, sunset, feeling the wind in her hair, laughter, pretty dresses, music, dancing, sex, the way Zevran smiles when he says her name...

What makes them feel loved, and who was the last person to make them feel that way?

Constancy. She may be wild and free, and her tastes are wild and free, but she craves a relationship with constancy; she's had many partners who have used up her devotion and discarded her, so she wants to know, every day, that her love is returned, that it will not grow tiresome, that wherever she may go, he will love her through it all. And he does. Zevran does.

Top three things they value most in life?

Love, freedom, compassion.

External Life

Is there an object they can’t bear to part with and why?

Hmm..she actually loses stuff all the time, but I would say its the earring she got from Zev. They spoil each other rotten with gifts all the damn time, but that one is special, it was his first token of love.

Describe a typical outfit for them from top to bottom:

She typically wears her hair in a ponytail, though she glams it up by leaving a lot of loose strands to artfully frame her face. (She clips them back if she's like in battle or something). Makeup is a touch of blush if she feels like she needs it, eyeliner and lipstick. She has 'em specially enchanted to keep her lips soft uwu. Sometimes, she wears flowers in her hair as well. If she's not in her Warden-Armour, she's particular about her mage robes (the Circle ones were so drab), they're usually in bright colors- blue, or pink, sometimes in ombre shades. She likes adding touches to beautify it, like floral emboridery, shimmery shawls, and the like. If not robes, she loves gowns and long skirts, cut low at the neck and with poofy sleeves. Shoes she mostly wears flats, in matching colors, for ease of moving about.

What names or nicknames have they been called throughout their life?

The Amells used to call her "Butterfly", her mother in particular called her "my little butterfly". Everyone at the Circle simply called her "Amell." (Anders sticks with this actually, after they were past the "Warden-Commander" stage of their friendship.) "Tia" is usually the name for those close to her. Zevran calls her as such, along with "my sweet", "my dearest", "mi amora" and like, a litany of Antivan petnames. Morrigan calls her "young lady", affectionately. She's aunty Tia to Kieran, and Cousin Tia to Viktor and Bethany Hawke.

(Aside from this of course, there have been many derogatory things she'd been called both at the Circle and by her detractors at Amaranthine, on account of her "reputation" (read: stupid gossip), as well as the fact that she's a Free Marcher and proud of it. "Harlot" is probably the most refined of these names.)

What is their method of manipulation?

Charm. She appeals to people's heart, to their ego, she can pretend to be a friend, a confidant. Seduction too, if it calls for it. She's trained herself to weaponize her looks (she knows she's seen as very attractive), and play up a harmless damsel act to get people in her pocket. And it works remarkably well. Teagan, for one, was practically eating out of her hand by the time she was done batting her lashes and simpering at him.

Growing up, manipulation had been the most effective harm reduction strategy she had, and she's not shy about using it to get what she wants.

Describe their daily routine:

Assuming she's not out on expedition or anything; wake up (on duty, she's up very early), get dressed, etc, then she likes to look over the recruits' early morning, run a few drills with the mages. Then breakfast with her buddies at the Keep, meetings and briefings at the start of the day with the Senior Wardens, then with Seneschal Varel, back to do a few rounds of training so she doesn't lose the sunshine, and then she gets to her study to answer letters. At this point, there will be petitioners from the Arling at her door whom Varel couldn't deal with himself, so she tends to them. She likes to take lunch with the newer recruits to keep their spirits up and get to know how they're adapting. Then she retires to her study to answer more fucking letters because those things never end. More meetings in the evening, review and such like. She has a bunch of projects on the go- fortifying the Keep, renovating things, and so on. Ever since she restored trade to the Arling, she also likes to throw the occassional ball or banquet.

If she has a relatively free day, she likes to take a carraige out to the city to mingle with the people so they wouldn't forget that their Arlessa has a face. She takes dinner fairly late, saving Zev's letter for the last before she pines and snuggles one of his scarves until she falls asleep. (They do have an open relationship, so like, she's free to take others to bed if she comes upon someone who catches her eye, so, when that happens..)

Their go-to cure for a bad day?

Depends on how bad. Mercifully, a lot of hiccups at work don't really get to her at this point. (I mean she's stared down a whole archdemon and lived, sure, a deep roads exit is sealed off, cry her a river, I guess). If she's just like, annoyed, she usually has someone duel it out of her, or she rants until she feels better. Or she eats, because dessert makes everything better. If she's sad, she cries it out. Her emotions, once triggered are very all over the place, so if it's particularly bad, she shuts herself away if someone who can handle it isn't around, so she wouldn't lash out or hurt people with it.

If Zevran's around, she has him lie on top of her like a weighted blanket. Or they have sex. For the dopamine, etc.

Goals

How are they dissatisfied with their life?

During this timeframe, the Warden-Commander thing is starting to get really old. Tend to the Keep, fight darkspawn, rinse-repeat as a lifestyle is stifling to her; she wants to be free to see the world, to pursue beauty and adventure. And worst of all, Zevran is far away. He's fighting battles of his own, and she wants to be right beside him as he does. He visits as much as he can, as does she, but she's so sick of having to wait for months before she sees him again (and have I mentioned that she snuggles his clothing to sleep). Morrigan is also far away, in Orlais. Another factor is the supposedly apolitical nature of the Grey Wardens. She's well aware of the rising tensions in many Circles now, Starkhaven has already fallen. Even with her position as Arlessa of Amaranthine, the Warden-Commander thing binds her from actively helping her fellow mages, which she so badly wants to do, as does she want to freely express her political opinions, as she's well aware of the weight her word carries, as the Hero of Ferelden. Have I also mentioned that she misses Zevran?

What would bring them true happiness or contentment?

A world without Circles, a world without Crows, a world without the Calling, her and Zevran and the wide open world, a house by the sea, a couple children that noone can take away from her, plenty to keep them warm and fed, friends to love them. And family. How she wants family.

What definitive step could they take to turn their dream into a reality?

Resign from the Wardens, hunt down the Crows with Zevran, join the mage rebellion, maybe. But "resign from the Wardens", is the problem, isn't it? Well, she could go find the cure to her Calling. But she dare not take such a journey at this particular political climate.

How has their fear kept them from taking this action already?

It's not fear, but ironically, a sense of responsibility. Ferelden, despite all it had taken from her, had given her so much, and it loves her so well now. She could never abandon these people for as long as they need her, no matter how tempting it may be to just. Leave. And not return.

How do they feel they can accomplish their goal while still steering clear of the thing they are afraid of?

She adapts, adapts, adapts. Can't politick openly as Warden-Commander? Okay, maybe she can invite the King and Queen for tea, can't she? She can do that. Maybe the next frightened mage-child in Amaranthine won't be tortured or punished, if their beloved Arlessa had something to say about it. She trusts Zevran to call her when he needs her, and then she will go to him. As it is, she takes leave when she can and does so anyway. Besides, her fortress is a sanctuary to him when he needs to lie low. Who would dare touch a hair on his head when he's beside the Hero of Ferelden? She feels stifled in her life? That's what the balls and banquets are for, to bring a touch of liveliness, her liveliness to the legacy of Vigil's Keep. If Warden-Commanding is no fun, she'll be a fun Warden-Commander. She longs for family? Okay, Morrigan is practically her sister, and Kieran is her nephew. They aren't here, but they write to her often. And for more family? Well, Bethany Hawke was transferred there from the Free Marches, and wouldn't you know it, they're cousins! And her brother Vicky lives at the Amell estate, herd childhood home. They stay in touch, and Viktor keeps her posted on the goings-on at Kirkwall, (and Anders, because that guy just dropped off the radar so rudely). If the rules really can't be broken (she does break them), they can be bent. And Tia is gifted in twisting them into pretzels.

She's spent far too much of her life drowning in her own pain to not take joy wherever she could, even if perfect happiness has to wait. For now.

[codename-adler]

Dear Tumblr toxicity,

Hi. Adler here. We need to talk.

- TW: mental health issues, depression, bipolar disorder, self-harm, homophobia, transphobia, coming out, xenophobia, islamophobia, racism, implied sexual content, rape, non-con, addictions, abuse, parental negligence, depictions of violence, swearing (please message me kindly if I forget anything)

- What prompted this message: The release of Skam France S7 teaser (emphasis on teaser, will get into that below)

- Where I’m coming from: I will talk from the pov of a white, cis and queer 22-years-old woman (she/her); this is the pov that affects my experiences and the opinions I will share below; but my message comes from a place of deep hurt, and love

- What this is about: My goal is to share a recurring experience that has hurt me in order to spread a message of awareness, maturity, peace and love

- Central content: Skam France, Skam Wtfock, and Skam/remakes in general

From now on I will assume people have enough information for me to talk about the topics without explaining every plotline/character. There are plenty of wiki pages to help you out and I will gladly answer any (respectful) questions asked if a plothole bothers your comprehension of my message. I’m only making these assumptions in order to alleviate the text.

January 9th, 2021.

The francetv slash YouTube channel releases an unexpected teaser video for an equally unexpected seventh season Skam France. The video features Tiffany, a white, cis female teenager, going into labour from denial pregnancy just after winning what appears to be a gymnastics championship. Overall, the video and its release are very dramatic.

The character of Tiffany, also called Tiff, was previously seen on season 6 of Skam France as a bully who persecuted the main character, Lola, both at school and on social media. Outside of this characterization, nothing is known about her. It is majorly accepted that Tiff is not a liked character; she rather poses as one of the antagonists of Lola’s arc.

Now you know the details of what happened, in the most objectively possible way. 

Now I’ll speak for myself.

Before I went digging around for people’s reaction, here is what I initially thought of this video.

1) Shock: I thought Skam France was over, so... Big, big shock.

2) Excitement: I hold this web series very close to my heart. It has gotten me through depressive episodes, anxiety attacks, coming out to my best friend. To see this new development? It couldn’t bring me more joy.

3) Curiosity: I recognized Tiff immediately. I was intrigued as to what would happen to her to set off a new season in true Skam Fr fashion. As soon as she started gripping her stomach, I knew she was pregnant and wasn’t aware of it. Big, big surprise here again.

4) Numbness/Overthinking: As I stared at my screen, motionless, my mind went off. What did it mean? How did she not know? Who is the father? Do we know him? Will the baby survive? Where are the other characters? Will Lamifex be present? What? How? When? Why? Who?

5) Disappointment: No, I did not like Tiff one bit in S6. Yes, I sincerely wished for a season on either Jo (ambiguous and funny teenage girl, cis + white), Sekou (seemingly neurodivergent teenage boy, cis + black), and my favorite, Max (mysterious and grave teenage boy, trans + white) So why Tiff? It felt to me like a missed opportunity, but I did not lose hope.

So, these were the five stages of my emotional process. And then I made the terrible mistake to go look for the fans’ reaction. I didn’t even look at the YT comments, I didn’t go on Instagram, I went directly here on Tumblr. Why? I’m still asking myself that. From S1 to S6 of Skam Fr, I kept my love for the show to myself and only looked at ig and video edits. I tried once, and only once, to look it up on Tumblr, and was greeted by fervent agressivity, disrespect and hate. Why did I ever forget that after watching the S7 teaser? I still don’t know.

The reactions on this platform were wild. People are furious (I get that). People are disappointed (I get that). People are anxious (I get that). People are also verbally agressive, insensitive, hateful, disrespectful and bullies. I don’t get that.

Comments along the lines of “What she gonna do with a fucking baby?”, “Are we gonna watch the baby do nothing all fucking season?”, “Wowwww, teenage pregnancy, so new and relatable!” (note the sarcasm made in the comment here), “Who gives a shit about Tiff?”, etc. 

And then all the mistakes Skam Fr ever made flooded back onto the feed. The wlw misrepresentation, the whitewashing, the overdramatization, the dubious sex scenes between minors, all of it.

Let’s take a break here. Do I condone these mistakes? Nope. Am I a white-bully apologist? Nope. Did I forget every horrible action Tiff has made in the past? Nope. She manipulated a whole school against Lola, she profited from Lola’s mother’s death, she bullied her, harrassed her, pushed her deeper into mental distress. Tiff was a despicable character that I never once liked. The way she was played by the actress made it clear that Tiff was not intended to be a good guy. If I could replace her as the main of S7, I would, in a heartbeat. I’d choose, as I said, Jo, Sekou or Max.

Skam France deeply lacks diversity and made mistakes when attempting to diverse the issues represented. This is not an opinion, it’s a fact. 

Poc representation is very, very low. Only one season has a woc of Islam beliefs as mc (Imane, S4) with poc entourage/family. Only 2 other characters not related to Imane were poc (Sekou and Sarah, S1-S2). These 2 characters were very in the background and served to further the mc’s plotline, they had no real content. (I am not a poc, and so my opinion does not matter here. If you are not poc, your “opinions” don’t matter here, this point is not for you to debate. These are facts.)

While I do not particularly find the wlw representation bad, I do understand how it hurts/bothers other queer women. From my perspective, the bar was very low regarding my expectations of the Lola/Maya pair (none of them died *yay* they had a happy ending *yay* they were not typically overfeminized or overmasculinized *yay* Lola  and Maya were respectful of each other, understood each other, accepted each other with all their flaws and their beauty *yay* I truly believed in their love and it gave me confidence and hope *yay* I ould really go on but this is not my main point so I’ll stop here) Regardless of my opinion on Mayla, I understand that to some queer women, it was bothering/hurtful. (If you are anything other than a woman / wlw, this point is not for you to debate. Keep your “opinions” to yourself, it does not matter here. These are facts.)

Like every remake of the original Skam where the S4 was given to Sana/Imane, the Muslim community was not represented at its best, at its most beautiful and respectfully. The character of Imane, although she is my favorite girl of the series, was not portrayed in a way that respected the majority of the Muslim community. (If you are anything other than Muslim, this point is not for you to debate. Our opinions do not matter here. These are facts.)

And so the same goes for the portrayal of sexual assault and child pronography in S2, of mental illness and homophobia in S3, of disabilities in S5, of addiction, transphobia, self-harm and neurodivergence in S6. Again, if you are not part of these communities, your opinions do not matter on these issues. These are facts that are not up for debate.

In other words, Skam France, as well as the original Skam, Skam Wtfock, Skam España, and probably all the others I haven’t watched in their entirety, are NOT perfect shows. They (maybe) tried their best to portray issues of the younger generations that are ugly, shameful, taboo, hard-to-swallow-pills. Of course they made mistakes. Of course they have to be held accountable. Of course they can and should do better. Of course it must be spoken about.

Here is my problem.

The so-called “fans” shamelessly SHITTING on the WHOLE show because of ONE TEASER TRAILER. (btw, this is where I get angry)

I am not talking about the fans making fun of the show and this season’s premise like “Better MCs than Tiff for S7: a romance between the car that almost hit Lucas S3 and the car that hit Arthur S5, or the school’s nurse, or Imane’s dad, or Elu’s rabbit” (that shit’s funny and I’d watch all of these).Or the joke about Wtfock and Skam Fr shaking hands while signing the same contract to disappoint the fans with white MCs (it’s funny cuz it’s trueeeee).

I am not talking about the fans criticizing the producers’ choice of Tiff as MC. There is a difference between shitting on issues and adressing/discussing them. I WANT to talk about how this season’s issue would have been so much better if a woc, specifically a black woman, had been the MC, because black women and doctors are a whole different level of issue than white women and doctors. Add on top of that an unplanned teenage pregnancy? It would have been IMMACULATE. I WANT to talk which wlw couple was better represented, Mayla or Croana/Crisana, and why is that. I WANT to talk about disabilities in black and poc communities. I WANT to talk about headcanons, AUs, to rectify the missed marks. I WANT to talk about our takes on seasons about Max, Sekou and Jo, instead of Tiff’s.

I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SHITTY, NEGATIVE, UNHELPFUL, HURTFUL COMMENTS.

Just because the protagonist is white, doesn’t give you ANY right to dismiss the issue that is unplanned teenage pregnancy. This is a problem that affects countries WORLDWIDE. Do you know how many deaths are related to minors giving birth? Do you know how many babies die at birth from these pregnancies? Do you have any idea the trauma it puts you through, to go into labor without even knowing you were pregnant in the first place, and then giving birth, and then having to care for a defensless human being? The dilemma of keeping it, or giving it away? The fear that lives in every person able to give birth, that one day they’ll become pregnant, because society turns sych a shameful look to that? No matter your ethnicity, your gender identity, your sexuality, your political stance or whatever shit you bring up to justify your disgraceful and downright degrading comments, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY THAT A MINOR GIVING BIRTH IS NOT AN ISSUE. 

You think the topic has been covered plenty before? Yeah, because shows like “16 and pregnant” and “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant!” are such good examples and show the reality with such an objective point of view! 

Bullshit. Teenage pregnancy is still a taboo, it still kills, and people are still morons about it. 

“Well I guess everybody is secretly pregnant now!” No, Jessica, but you wouldn’t know about it, would you? Because I wouldn’t tell you shit if you were my “friend” and I was going through it. The whole message of all the Skams is not that it presents super relatable issues of teenagers, although it is a big topic of the show. They present some issues that affect the youth in an authentic light, but that’s not it.

Tous les gens que tu rencontres mènent un combat dont tu ignores tout. 

Sois indulgente. Toujours. x x x

//

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Be kind. Always. x x x

THAT’S THE MESSAGE. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE SHOW.

And you all missed it.

All of you making dead baby jokes and death threats, degrading people who give birth, shaming teenagers for their pregnancies... Listen to yourselves.

“Well she deserves it, she was such a bitch!” No, Michael, you shit stick. Let’s rewind a bit for you, yeah? It was a GOD DAMN TEASER. We literally know nothing! Nothing at all! Why are y’all getting mad when we saw 3:25 minutes representing a whole ass season! Listen to yourselves. Y’all judge so fast for people pretending to love Skam and its authenticity and its motto.

You say Tiff is irredeemable?

Emma cheated on her boyfriend.

Manon lied and manipulated her friends.

Lucas was homophobic and prejudiced agaisnt mentally ill people.

Imane was homophobic too and went behind her friends’ back to get what she wanted.

Arthur cheated on his girlfriend too.

Lola dragged Elliot down with her in her addiction, lied, was verbally abusive, etc.

ALL THE MAINS ARE PROBLEMATIC.

Any guess why?

BECAUSE THEY ARE TEENAGERS. THEY ARE STILL GROWING AND LEARNING.

Yet we still loved them all. 

So don’t you dare tell me that Tiff deserves this, that her baby deserves to die, that teenage motherhood is irrelevant. Motherhood is not a curse in the first place, nor is it something to wish to inflict upon anyone. Motherhood is different for every single person and nobody except the person living with it can have an opinion on that. We don’t even know if the baby survived, for God’s sake!

There is no excuse for this kind of behavior..

It makes me so angry. Women are discriminated against in a fandom I thought was safe, again and again and again. 

I have to stop here because, well, this is just too much. There is much wrong with Skam (the original AND all the remakes), but there is even more wrong with the fans. I’m done.

You don’t support the show anymore? Fine, then don’t watch it! If I really am wrong, the number of viewers will go down and the show will die, just like you wished. There is no need to be vicious about it. 

I hope y’all are proud of your misogyny. 

Sincerely,

Adler.

[oblivion1990]

Living with hyper mobility syndrome within Ehlers danlos spectrum.

Warning, rant coming.

WTF am I suppose to do about a hopeless situation. I have done everything I can to cope with my illness. And I´m not talking about the mental health bit because that is not the core issue. 

I have been diagnosed with eHEDS, or the hypermobility type of Ehlers- danlos syndrome. I got my diagnose september 25 2020 after struggling my whole life with things that seems so easy for other people. 

For people who ask, I describe; Imagine a full grown human having 10 beans in a jar. Those beans are energy you have to take from during your whole day. Some days you may just use 8 of those beans. And can use up the rest the day after. 

One bean represent a certain amount of energy for ex, getting out of bed and eating you breakfast. Two more of those beans and you getting ready for your day at work and getting to your actual workplace. The energy of getting in your car and drivning through busy traffic and stressed people. One more bean maybe required if you choose to walk there, or take the bike. 

Continuing. All this is now 3 beans of energy. Getting through a whole day of full time work, you may need 3-4 more beans, depending on what you are doing. (Office or more physical). When your day is done you have “consumed” 6 of those beans. 

Going home from work, again driving or walking/bike, you come home cooking dinner and enjoy social time with your family may take 2 more beans of your energy. After a “normal” day you may have 1 or two beans left to use the coming day after a good nights sleep. Where your 10 beans charge over night. 

_________

Now, instead of having 10 beans in the jar like a “normal” adult, you have only 5 beans of energy to begin with. No they are not bigger och charged with 10 beans of capacity. They are only loaded with the same amount of energy BUT they have to last as long as the normal 10 beans. 

Impossible?! 

Yeah and this is the life of a human with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome with/or hyper mobility syndrome. The constant fatigue that stopping us from feeling normal. Add some joint pain on that and you have to use more beans (energy) to get through your day.

At the same time we are expected to do the same amount of work like a 10- bean person because we don´t look sick. Well, we cant “see” cancer until the human are actually dying or going through chemo therapy. 

So why should we be treated differently? Apparently our sickness does not count. No, we´re not gonna die from it but it is still a constant battle that is impossible for healthy people to understand. 

I have dreams, I went to university for 6 years. I have a masters degree in archaeology and I will probably never be able to work full time digging or even sitting down doing desk work (fulltime) even if I wanted to. I only have 5 beans of energy to take from so maybe with pauses and no stress from the outside dealing with to much people, I may be able to work 6 h a day. But that is all I can do without having a social life, or doing normal things like, working out. 

Basically, the day I a workout I (2-3 times a week because it is necessary for my body) can´t really do anything else, if I do that I crash the next day and I´ll have to sleep and rest. I am unemployed because of the pandemic and I cant take any job. I have tried many times but I feel terrible and all I do is sleep on my days off.

Fun life?! No....and to be realistic, no company will probably ever want to hire me because I don´t have the full capacity to work a normal 8 h day. Be alert, have brilliant ideas and keep a lot of things in the air at the same time while being nice.

Right now I´m waiting on my contact at the employment agency to find a job that suits me. It will most likely not be within the archaeology field at all. It´s hard enough to do without any illness.

My big dream is actually to work as a forensic artist and/or create facial reconstructions within the history/anthropology field. I have an account on IG where I´ve done some sculpting work but it is only a hobby at this point. 

https://www.instagram.com/creativerecon90/

I really wish I could make a career of it since I have a shit ton of debs from my studies. 

I live in Sweden and there is so much the doctors don´t know about Ehlers- Danlos Syndrome. Most of them have never heard of it at all. I end up telling them all the facts. And also, every person is different. For me it´s the constant fatigue and brain fog.

Also, even if I wanted I can´t put all of this in my CV. Well I could but it would probably ruin any chance of getting work. 

I just want to live a decent life and be happy. Everyone with this illness want to be heard and we need a change in how people treat us. 

We do all we can but to no avail

Feel free to share this post because I want to raise awareness to this invisible illness and I want to follow my dreams despite what I have to deal with.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #294

“maybe it’s not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate”

Is your bed big enough for two people? Yes. What is your favorite board game? I like Battleship. Have you ever been hospitalized for more than 2 weeks? I think one stay at the psych hospital stretched over two weeks, maybe three. I don't remember. When was the last time you heard someone scream? Irl, probably at some point visiting my sister's family and my baby niece was upset. If you include via audio, a couple days ago when watching Egoraptor's Kingdom Hearts 2 stream. He's a Loud Boy. Who was the last person to call you baby? I have no clue. Why did you last go to the airport? I was going home from Sara's. Have you ever showered with another person? Not since I was a little kid with my sister. Is there something you are keeping a secret from your parents? I mean, nothing major. There are small things I don't tell them, though. Are you able to forget people easily? FUCK to the NO. What disgusts you about bathrooms? Sharing a toilet with literally anybody. Have you ever had gum stuck in your hair? I mean maybe at some point, but I don't think so. What was the shortest amount of time you’ve known someone before you’ve dated them? If you’ve never been in a relationship before, do you watch Scrubs? I knew Jason maybe two/three weeks before he asked me out. We clicked so damn fast. Don’t you hate it when people talk about their relationships constantly? It can become a bit much. I have (had?) a friend who did this profusely to the point it was pretty impossible to have an actual conversation, and then she fell off the face of the planet. Being in love is an absolutely amazing thing, but like... that's not all you can talk about. Do you enjoy old movies? Yeah, there are some great ones. Do your neighbors annoy you in any way? Someone a few houses down has a dog that NEVER shuts the fuck up. I don't know how it doesn't lose its voice. What was the last party you were invited to? A Halloween party hosted by my friend Summer a few years ago. It was a good time. Are you honestly happy with your life right now? N O P E Do you find it fun to pray for people? I don't pray, but even if I did, "fun" seems like the wrong word. Generally when you pray for someone, there's something negative going on in their life, so like... I think "fulfilling" is maybe a better word? Has your mom ever crocheted you a blanket? My mom has deadass been working on a massive blanket since she was in her 20s (maybe even a tad younger), and she's at the tail end of her 50s. She works on it less than once in a blue moon. She started with the intention of passing it onto her kids. Do you regret letting a certain guy slip away? Debatable. It's questionable if I ever would have gotten competent help without Jason leaving, and if I didn't, what if he finally had enough when we were already married with kids (that's what I wanted at the time, anyway)? That would have broken me even worse. What show did you want to be on as a kid? Whatever the Nickelodeon one was where you got slimed lol. Do you have regrets? Of course I do. Does anyone really know you? My mom and Sara, at least. What song do you want played at your wedding? It depends on my partner and songs we consider special. Are you a fan of Taylor Swift? No. I do, however, love me some "Love Story." And you are LYYYYYYINNNNNGGGG if "Picture To Burn" doesn't make you feel like a Bad Bitch. Would you ever dye your hair unicorn colors? I would DIIIIIEEEEE to do that in pastel tints. I wish my damn hair took color well... I have literally only had ONE very effective hair dyeing experience, when my friend spent hours turning it red. It stuck for MONTHS. List 3 of your pet peeves. 1.) Turning tragedy into a competition; 2.) making mental illnesses "trendy;" and 3.) elitists of pretty much anything. Do you type fast? Very. What do you like to put on your pancakes? Typically just maple syrup, but I'll put butter on them if given it at a restaurant. Have you ever accidentally drank spoiled milk? I've taken a sip and immediately realized and spat it out. Have you ever had your heart broken? More like shattered into incalcuable pieces. When you were 3, was your natural hair color the same as it is now? No, I was dirty blonde. Have you ever received a scary message from someone online? Yes, I'm pretty sure. What does your first name rhyme with? "Infamy" is close enough, ig, if we're excluding other names. Do you have freckles on your face? No. I did as a kid, though. Who is your favorite Lisa Frank character? Probably the angel kitty (I had a coloring book, even), but they're all SO pretty. I love Lisa Frank stuff. Does your family always have your back? My mom and dad do, at least. My older sister does, meanwhile it's hard to tell with my little sister. She's not very affectionate and expressive of love to the point I question a lot if she even likes me. What type of wedding do you want to have? Gothic! Are you more of a leader or a follower? A follower, within reason. I'm definitely not a blind one. Do you know anyone with a profession in law? Quite a few, actually. Have you ever Googled yourself? Yeah, at some point. Do you have a regular vacation spot, or do you always go somewhere new? We don't really go on vacations. It's not an expense Mom can really afford. Where were you working 10 years ago? Nowhere. ... 5 years ago? Still nowhere. ... 1 year ago? Nowhere. What's the shortest amount of time you've had between relationships? Like a day. I know it sounds bad, but I left Girt already knowing I loved Sara, and I didn't really have anything to heal from. As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu? We'd have Saltines, chicken noodle soup (which I never really liked), and ginger ale. What's your favorite art style? Probably hyperrealistic fantasy stuff. What time period is considered to be your country's 'golden age?' I don't know, I'm not a history buff. Have you ever done LSD? I've never done any drugs. Are any of your coworkers currently out on maternity/paternity leave? N/A What is your favorite parody movie? Maybe the Paranormal Activity one. I barely remember it, though. What kind of first impression do you hope others have of you? That I'm kind and friendly and really care about their feelings. Do you have a good sense of balance? NOOOOOOOOOO. I stray like a motherfucker when I walk. Have for many years. It's weird. What is your least favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry, ugh. Does your car have heated seats? No. What's something that has been in your local news lately? I don't watch it. What's your favorite internet meme? Oh, I have no clue, I love memes lmao. What is the strangest pizza topping you've ever eaten? Nothing, really. I'm not very adventurous with pizza. Can you name any books or movies where all the main characters die? Not off the top of my head. Do you live alone? No, I live with my mother. What’s the grossest thing you’ve encountered in/at a fast food joint? *shrug* Do you swallow chewing gum? No. Do you ever get goosebumps while listening to songs? EXTREMELY easily. Like that is so, so regular, be it from the lyrics, the singer's voice, or just the music. Are there any amusement park rides you refuse to go on? Why? Most, really. I get dizzy way, way too easily and don't want to faint. What is the best roller coaster you’ve ever been on? I'm afraid of roller coasters, so I can't answer this. Never touched one. Don’t you think black jellybeans are icky? Ugh, YES. What was the last thing you measured with a ruler? I helped Mom use the long, flexible kind to measure the couch because she was gonna move some furniture around. What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever seen? Oh, I'm sure the mountains when driving to Tennessee. I was too young to remember it well, but I can never forget that I marveled over them. Would you rather have a Playstation or Xbox made console? I'm a Playstation gal. What if you were watching COPS and saw your significant other on there? I'm... not gonna lie, if it was Jason for doing something stupid and not, like, murderous, I'd probably cackle. Have you ever tried to write to any celebrities? No. When was the last time you blew bubbles? I ain't got a clue. Have you ever stumbled across a beehive? More like wasp nests. What food(s) make you cringe? Quite a lot, given my extreme selectiveness with textures. More than anything, probably egg yolk. Have you ever played an automated 20 Questions game and beat it? Ha, I actually had one of those! I have, but damn was that hard. Have you been to a restaurant where they cook the food in front of you? Yup, Ichiban. Pretty cool. Do you feel that presidential campaigns make people too competitive? I mean, no. People care about who is going to be the head of their country. Do you find Family Guy hilarious or offensive? Neither. Do you still write letters to people, even though there’s e-mail now? No. Have you ever had an accident involving a microwave? Ha, I'm a travesty of a cook, so yeah. I remember on one occasion I accidentally dialed in many minutes for popcorn and entirely forgot about it. Safe to say I didn't eat it. I've split hot dogs in there, and I'm certain there's more. Do you like the movie Forrest Gump? I adore that movie. One of the best films ever imo. Can you handle heat well? I honestly doubt you'll meet someone who handles it worse than me, especially physically. I have severe hyperhidrosis, so I will literally sweat like a pig in 70* weather. I absolutely cannot handle it. Do you smoke weed? What are your opinions on its legalization? No. Legalize it for at least medicinal purposes. Have you ever had a school shooting at your school? HA, I can promise you my high school must have at some point. Are you usually the first to do something, or are you more of a follower? I don't pay attention to this. What is your favorite way to eat a potato? Fries, yum. Are roses your favorite flower? No, but they're high on the list. Have you ever been to a horse race? No. I think they're abusive anyway. Do you like lobster? No. Have you ever swam in a lake? Yeah. There's one lake I swam in that was so clear you could see pretty far and just watch the fish and turtles. Have you ever convinced someone to show you their private parts? "Convinced"????? That's fucking coercion. I've seen people naked, but not by fucking pressure. What is the greatest treasure you have ever found? My older sister found a cracked amethyst geode once. Idk where it's at now, but I hope she (or we at the house, depending on where it is) finds it at some point, though. My niece has come to love smooth rocks and pebbles, and I think crystals would blow her away, never mind one that size. Do you eat beef? Regrettably. Are you good at card games? I mean, what's the game? I'm not exceptional at any I can think of. What is your favorite musical? I don't like musicals. Did you ever play the Oregon Trail game? Omg yes!!! I LOVED playing it as a kid, especially the 3rd one, I think? Do you watch It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia? No. Who is your favorite country singer? I actually do enjoy Tim McGraw pretty consistently, but I don't actually seek out his music. Do you know anyone who is Mormon? An old best friend was. Do you like grunge? Yeah. What’s your favorite kind of cheese? American. What’s the most historic thing that has happened in your lifetime? Most likely Covid. What’s your funniest story involving a car? It's not hilarious, but once we were behind someone whose license plate said "omw" lmao. What scientific discovery would change the course of humanity overnight if it was discovered? Well, a proven Covid vaccine. Do you think that humans will ever be able to live together in harmony? Nope. What’s the scariest non-horror movie? Idk. What’s the most amazing true story you’ve heard? I'm not sure. What’s the most awkward thing that happens to you on a regular basis? Having to explain my Mark tribute tattoo lmao. What was one of the most interesting concerts you’ve been to? I've only ever seen Alice Cooper, and while it was great, "interesting" seems like the wrong word. Where are you not welcome anymore? Probably Jason's house, at least not by him. Or Colleen's, probably. Idk how she feels about me by now. What’s the most recent show you’ve binge watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender w/ Sara. What’s a common experience for many people that you’ve never experienced? Paying bills. What’s the smartest thing you’ve seen an animal do? I kid you not, our first cat would look both ways twice before crossing the street across our house. (Please do not allow your cats outside.) She'd do it even more when bringing her kittens there too to hunt. Chance was truly incredible. I could really give a lot of examples of her intelligence. I also had another childhood cat (my favorite before Roman) who would respond to a certain clap pattern I'd do if Mom let me bring him inside. Wherever Charcoal was wandering, he'd come running. What’s the dumbest thing someone has argued with you about? Oh, I'm sure it was RP-related stuff as a kid. What’s the longest rabbit hole you’ve been down? I'unno. What’s the saddest scene in a movie or TV series? Possible spoiler warning for a super old movie??? Probably when the main character of Old Yeller had to put the dog down because of rabies. But I cry like a bitch easily, so maybe there's something that tears me up even more or just as badly. What odd smell do you really enjoy? None that are "odd," really. What’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild? I've seen a mink once when fishing with Dad deep in the woods. What’s the best lesson you’ve learned from a work of fiction? Oh, I don't know. I'd have to think for a while & I don't feel like it. What food do you crave most often? Probably ice cream. Who in your life has the best/worst luck? I don't know about best, but my mom absolutely has the worst luck. Which apocalyptic dystopia do you think is most likely? A meteor, maybe? If you had a HUD that showed three stats about any person you looked at, what three stats would you want it to show? I'd want to know if they were criminals or just dangerous. What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen a kid do? Oh, my niece is so funny. One of the things that gave me the biggest laugh (and was most adorable) was this time I was taking family pictures for Ash at a local lake, and Aubree went running into the gazebo, span around totally like in a princess movie, and exclaimed, "It's enormous!" She is such a darling. If people could read your mind, what would they usually find? Just how bored I am, memories of Jason bc trauma, lamenting my disappointment in myself, "why is Mark so perfect," worrying about Sara, thinking of RP character developments... What celebrity would you like to meet? Mark. 100%. I would die to just thank him (if I could get words out, oof) and hug him and try not to soak his shirt in tears lmao. Do you need money to be happy? Don't bullshit me, you wouldn't be happy homeless because you can't afford a home. So to a degree, yes. What's a good idea you've had recently? Hm. What gift would you like to receive? At this current moment, Cloak's (Mark and Jacksepticeye's clothing brand) limited edition "life after death" design for a shirt. It is so fucking pretty, and I love the nature focus. What are you most excited about right now? Honestly? Getting my laptop back. I wanna play WoW lmao. What's your favorite song from a movie? Maybe uhhhhhh was "Supermassive Black Hole" actually written for Twilight? Where would you like to volunteer? I very, very badly want to volunteer to take pictures of animals up for adoption in shelters for like their social medias and stuff. I've asked like the two local places, but no bites yet. What's the last song you listened to? Metallica's cover of "Turn The Page." What's the last YouTube video you watched? I'm watching Gab Smolders play SOMA. Fantastic game.

[mimiswitchywrites]

venty post, please skip and if you don’t big ol trigger warning

I’m doing real bad again. I’ve got to the point where I don’t think I can call it a relapse when I’m doing it so often. I think I have 4 routes at the moment (for once, offing myself is not one of them so well done me there ig)

1. stay at home, with no antidepressants, and see where that leads me. no where good is my expectation. this means i wont be able to go deeper in therapy as i don’t want to do anything bad

2. stay home but on antidepressants. this means i’ll be able to go deeper in therapy but i don’t know my limit or how anti depressants will work for me so this might also not work well. there is also the addition to these first two points of the potential homeless situation and my terrible relationship with my step father.

3. go into supported living, on antidepressants or not. this solves the homeless and step father issue but idk how it will go over with my family. dad isn’t allowed to know that i have moved out until i finish college, mum wont be happy but will understand, gary might blow up at mum about me leaving and that ill be doing that because she wants to leave him. the supported living place sounds great though, and there is a support worker living there that will check in on me everyday so this should be really good mentally, especially paired with antidepressants.

4. admit myself to a psych ward. this one is inspired by my dad telling me he will ship me off to one if i don’t talk to him and it has stuck with me since. i think it would be really good for me because i will have constant support and a chance to relax? to stop having to look after myself 24/7 because i really don’t have the energy to anymore. from the actual people i have talked to, they seem really useful, but there is also the possibility of those horror stories being true so idk.

but yeah, my options. they are not good but neither is my brain so i guess it goes with the territory. i just want to be able to be in the moment and not feel so numb and detached. i dont even cry while cutting anymore which isn’t good. everytime i go out, i see dad (not actually him) and i keep getting flashbacks and i can feel where his hands where and my brain is just so loud at the moment. i need someone to keep an eye on me but i can not tell mum. 

idk, ill talk to my therapist about it again next week but she knows what im thinking about which is useful. we’ll be making little self help boxes which ill share here

[adonis-koo]

im kind of late but since we’re talking about being humiliated ig ill share my story too, this happened recently and by recently i mean an hour ago.. anyways i was in the kitchen helping my mom and aunt unload and put away groceries and then my mom decides to speak as loudly as she can and say “i brought you chocolate milk, fruits and salmon but dont eat it all because you’re fat and need to lose weight, you dont understand what a small portion is and thats why you look ugly.” 1/2

and she just kept putting away groceries like she just didnt say all of that outloud and everyone was staring at me and when i didnt say anything my aunt started agreeing like “yeah you need to lose a lot of weight, you can’t even eat a small portion of a salad, always a big portion of them.” and all i said was “okay.” in a small voice like i always do when they say stuff like that and then a bit later i was sitting in the living room minding my business not being mad because im its true tht 2/3

that im fat and overweight but anyways i was still minding my business and my mom came up to me asking me if i had extra body cream cause she didnt have any anymore and all i said was “mhm” and then she started going off me cause she assumed i was mad and then my aunt joined in saying sumn about needing to accept the truth and i wasnt even mad? at? all?? they just assumed i was because i said “mhm” and then that actually made me mad 😐 sorry this was long... anyways dont you love angry crying 😹

its the anon from earlier who was ranting about her mom and aunt i wanted to say if i made you uncomfortable with any of that im sorry i didnt mean to put all of that on you or make you uncomfortable. im sorry if i did i don’t mean to be a burden

First of all baby, please don’t apology! My blog is meant to be a safe space where you guys are more then welcome to come unwind and vent in my inbox if you need too!

I am sorry to hear about your mom and aunt baby, it always hurts the more and can be so damaging when your family is constantly criticizing the way you look. Truthfully, coming in from a health perspective if you aren’t dangerously over/under weight I think they have no right to comment on your body.

There is a right way and a wrong way to motivate somebody to lose weight and simply stating someone is fat and that they should is NOT it. And even so losing weight isn’t always going to make you ‘healthy’. Losing weight actually means losing over all body mass and muscle in the process. Furthermore PLEASE do NOT cut your portions to a ridiculously small amount. Most women need around 1500-1800 calories a day and you aren’t going to get that with just three small salads.

Honestly babe, do whatever you feel led to do but my advice would be let them know what they’re saying is not only hurtful but can damage your mental health! Stating your fat is going to make you depressed and feel defeated not motivated and strong! Confronting family is always scary but letting them know what they’re saying is hurtful is very important when it comes to your wellbeing!

Last but not least, having self love is so important no matter your weight! It’s easy to love yourself when your body is the way you want it to look but it’s so important to be gentle with yourself! Your tummy holds all of your organs! It digests your food properly! Your legs let you stand and walk and run, your body does so much for you and should be treated just as gentle no matter your weight! Ultimately losing weight is something personal and absolutely should not be forced upon you.

Don’t let people dictate how you should feel about yourself my love 🖤

[kleinereverie]

Tips for maintaining good mental health when moving abroad

I moved to Germany 6 weeks ago and I just want to share some of the tips to look after your mental health when moving abroad. It’s a huge life event and will undoubtedly affect your mental health, especially during the unprecedented times of this pandemic. I hope this can be helpful to someone out there~

1.       Preparation

If you haven’t already moved or you’re just considering it, make sure you thoroughly plan it in advance. This can be from what you will be doing to work (if you are moving to work) or researching extensively your new university if you’re moving to study. If you can visit the city/country beforehand, even better! Make sure you have the move worked out clearly too, e.g. what will you take, how will you take it, do you have a back up if it doesn’t work out. Also, make sure you have a good understanding of the social norms of the place you move to and the practical elements such as how to set up a bank account/do you have enough money saved, what you will do if you get ill and so on. You really can’t over-prepare, and all of this preparation will give you lots of confidence and reassurance that you’re ready to do this. This is particularly helpful if you’re prone to anxiety. Perhaps take the travel bans as a moment to research more if you were due to move but have now been delayed.

2.       Pre-existing mental health conditions

Ig you have any pre-existing mental health conditions, make sure you have enough medication during your stay (if you take medication) and that you can continue your therapy in some way if applicable. This could be online therapy, using apps, skype calls with your existing therapist if they allow for that, finding a new therapist or support groups in your new country etc. Don’t underestimate the importance of continuing these important tasks.

3.       Keep in touch with your current friends and family

You should consider how others may feel in response your move. Most should feel happy for you, but some may feel upset or left behind. You can’t control for these things, but you can continue to maintain good contact with them through calls, skype, social media – technology makes it much easier! If you’re feeling homesick, don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s a normal feeling to have in this situation and it will really help to find a balance between engaging with your new environment and keeping up your connections back at home. Don’t feel guilty for wanting to call home often. If possible, send them small gifts and post cards to show you’re thinking of them too! Takes measures to allay your family’s fears if they are worried about you and best honest in how you feel – for the most part, they just want to see that you’re happy.

4.       Build a new support network

New friends and contacts in your new country will not only make you feel settled in quicker, but it will also help keep you happy and distracted from negative thoughts and feelings. Take time to find people you click with and invest in a healthy manner in building up those relationships.

5.       Build a routine

No matter what you do or where you go in life, it’s always useful to have a routine. Why? Because humans like routine. Routine means familiarity, a sense of predictability and control. It will keep you busy, disciplined and in check so your mind doesn’t wander so often.

6.       Acceptance

Acceptance is a really powerful tool which will serve you well. Accept that it will take time to settle in. Accept that there will be back days. Accept that it may not work out. No one wants to think that something they put so much time, money and energy into may not work out and no one wants to return home unexpectedly and face the social consequences, especially if you received disapproval about the move in the first place. However, a fact of life is that you can’t predict what will happen. If you have a list of nice activities to do when you feel low and a plan B for if things don’t work out, you will feel more confident to deal with setbacks. If you can accept that there will be some difficult times, but this will be followed by better days, you will be a lot more resilient.

7.       Bring reminders of home with you

I brought several sentimental items with me to give me comfort in a new environment – a pillow from my childhood home, a “blessed” jade necklace from my family (Chinese culture), a small painting one of my best friends gave me over a decade ago and an anime figurine because I’m reformed weeb. Bring what matters to you, however small. Not only are they talking points if you have people over, but they are also gentle reminders of familiarity and safety.

8.       Enjoy the process and your new chapter in life

It’s really easy to get caught up in thoughts about if your making enough progress so that you’re seen as successful to others in your move. It’s easy to forget that you’re in a new country when you’re knee deep in assignments or work but take the time to appreciate your new surroundings and make time for new experiences (budget-permitting) e.g. events, concerts, exploring the city, new foods/restaurants, sightseeing etc. Take a few moments every day to enjoy nice views and feelings. This will help you stay grounded and build a sense of gratitude.

Best of luck to those who are getting ready to move or have already moved too!

Bleib gesund! Stay healthy and happy through these difficult times. xx

[sweetsmellosuccess]

TIFF 2020: Last Call

Films: 3 Best Film of the Day(s): Another Round

I Am Greta: A 15-year-old girl sits alone in front of the Swedish Parliament in Stockholm with a simple hand-painted sign on a flat piece of wood that says “Skolstrejk For Klimatet” (School Strike for Climate”). A year later, that same girl, now 16, speaks before the general assembly of the UN in New York, and has helped rally millions to the cause of significant climate reform. In between those two poles lies the majority of Nathan Grossman’s fascinating documentary about young Greta Thunberg, and the movement she helped create of young people taking action for their own future. A slightly withdrawn kid with what she calls “a touch” of Asperger’s, Greta’s success, as unexpected and unprepared for as it was, lies partially in the very idea she conveys to another group of world leaders in Europe: “All you care about is popularity,” she growls at them, “I don’t care to be popular.” Because of her lack of personal ego in the process  —  else, you can imagine how going from having a small personal protest to meetings with the UN Attorney General and President of France within a few months; or better yet, in modern teen terms, to being largely ostracized from your school, where other kids “never invited” you to parties or gatherings, to having 10.6 million followers on IG, and the attention of many millions more, might swell your head and put you out of touch with yourself. For Greta, it’s a simple equation: She sees the problem (such that she was so depressed at first she sat out a year of school, and only spoke with her immediate family), and sees what needs to be done, no matter the personal cost. This isn’t to say she’s okay with it: “I miss having a regular life, with routines,” she sighs into her iPhone journal, while sailing across the Atlantic in a small watercraft to attend the UN meeting. “It is such a responsibility. I don’t want to have to do this.” A lament she turns into outrage when she actually does speak in New York, to the assemblage of world leaders: “You’re failing us!” she exhorts, “How dare you?” and ends with a sober warning to those who seek to dismiss her: “The eyes of all future generations are on you.” Naturally, for her effort, she takes potshots from condescending old men (Putin, Trump, Fox News Blowhards, et al.), some of whom trying to make things entirely personal (pundit Michael Knowles sniffed she was “a mentally ill Swedish child,” a statement Fox later apologized for), but none of it seems to matter to her. As before, she uses her “laser focus” on the matter at hand, not interested in rising to the bait of personal conflicts. The film takes us from her first days as a lone but emphatic voice to the de facto leader of a movement now millions strong, though it’s pretty clear in Greta’s mind, the only thing that ultimately matters is what these leaders are actually going to do about the climate catastrophe. At one UN gathering in Europe, she delivers her impassioned speech, only to have to sit and listen to an elderly German politician respond by trying to point out all the “good” they have done. With a look of tired disdain on her face, she pulls off the headphones translating his empty words into English, and sets them down in front of her.

Spring Blossom: Suzanne (Suzanne Lindon), the 16-year-old Parisian heroine in writer/director Lindon’s feature debut, prefers a drink of lemonade and grenadine, the purplish color of which is not-quite red, and not-quite pink. It’s in-between colors you could say, as she is herself, caught between the stifling boredom she feels at her high school with kids her own age, and the more exciting, but scary, possibilities of adulthood personified by Raphael (Arnaud Valois), an actor performing in a local, modernized production concerning Erastes  —  in ancient Greece, an adult in a romance with a child. Raphael, also bored and tired of the production he’s featured in, takes note of Suzanne’s apparent besottlement (in one of the better small details, she watches him eating a breakfast of baguette and strawberry jam at a cafe and requests the same from her mother the next morning), and before long they are a kind of couple, though, we are to understand, not necessarily fully consummated (it’s purposefully left ambiguous). Surprisingly, rather than duck into the well-covered territory of a young innocent ravaged by the rigors of adult love, Suzanne, a prepossessing young woman with a considerable sense of herself, senses both the danger, and her unreadiness, and herself pulls away, even though, as she says flatly “I love him and he loves me” (Raphael, ever gallant, doesn’t challenge her on this, and accepts her feelings). With her elongated neck and slightly crooked teeth, Lindon at first doesn’t appear fully suitable to the character that the script calls for, but soon it becomes apparent how well she precisely embodies the sense of between-worlds. The tone of the project is a marvel, allowing natural realism to intersect with more fanciful adornment  —  the scene when the couple have their first breakfast date, as Raphael puts his headphones on Suzanne so she can hear the genuinely beautiful opera that opens his show, leading them to perform a complex, sitting dance of hand gestures in perfect synchronicity together, is particularly charming  —  and, what’s more, the young writer/director seems to know exactly what she wants from each scene. The film itself isn’t breaking much new ground, but it does herald the rise of another talented young filmmaker.

Another Round: Thomas Vinterberg has a penchant for enigmatic endings. Not so coincidentally, he also tends to make very good films, and his latest, which stars Mads Mikkelsen as a disaffected high school teacher, who along with a small group of male colleagues, decides to try keeping his blood alcohol level at .05% throughout the day as a cure for his malaise, fits the bill. It might not be up to the otherworldly standards of his best work (Celebration or The Hunt  —  which also starred Mikkelsen), but it’s a good snootful of warm bourbon just the same. Mikkelson plays Martin, a history teacher and family man who seems half-alive, encased in a shell of hardened disappointment. He knows he’s lost his way (“Do you find me boring?” he asks his wife, played by Helene Reingaard Neumann, who responds “You’re not the same Martin I first met”), but seems unable to get himself out of his lethargy to do anything about it. When confronted by an angry group of parents and students that he’s not doing enough to prepare them for their all-important final exam, all he can respond with is a meek “Okay.” One night, out with some male colleagues, including psychology teacher Nikolaj (Magnus Millang), music teacher Peter (Lars Ranthe), and lonely gym teacher Tommy (Thomas Bo Larson), Martin breaks his silence and tells his friends about the perilous state of his marriage. Nikolaj cites the work of an obscure philosopher who maintained human beings were born with .05% less alcohol in their system than is ideal, and, on something of a desperate gamble, the group agree to reach that limit throughout the day (in other words, during teaching hours), quitting, as Hemmingway did, at 8 pm. Initially, it seems to work wonders  —  revitalized, Martin brings relish to his teaching again, and he re-engages with his wife and kids in a way he hasn’t felt in years, with the others all sharing the same sorts of success  —  but when the emboldened group attempt to push the envelope, first to .1%, then, much more disastrously, to the absolute limit of their tolerance, things get a good deal more dicey, putting the men, their jobs and their relationships in peril. Typically, Vinterberg avoids simple conclusions  —  and God help us all if this film gets picked up by a U.S. studio and remade with, say, Vince Vaughn, Kevin James, Steve Buscemi, and Chris Rock  —  providing more or less equal examples of the delirious fun drinking with your friends can be (the film opens with a group of high schoolers gleefully doing “lake races” whereby teams compete to drink a case of beer while running around the nearby body of water; and closes with the same teen crew, and some of their teachers, whooping it up in celebrating their graduation); and the horrorshow it can become (one teacher ends up peeing the bed, and on his wife in the process, another wakes up bloodied and out of it in front of his neighbor’s house), leading to very real and horrible consequences. By film’s end, as the delightful Mikkelsen, a professionally trained dancer, performs an impromptu and wildly entertaining series of complicated dance choreographies, it’s clear Vinterberg doesn’t intend to answer definitively either way on the subject: As “The Simpsons” so sagely put it many years ago, alcohol is “the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

In a year of bizarre happenings, and altered realities, TIFF has shifted its gears to a significantly paired down virtual festival. Thus, U.S. film critics are regulated to watching the international offerings from our own living room couches.

[laffinandlovin-blog]

It’s a long post today folks!

I would like to begin this post with the assurance that I am safe and under the great care of amazing mental health professionals.  I’m surrounded by the love of amazing friends and family.  It is not lost on me that I am incredibly lucky to be employed and therefore have the opportunity to have great healthcare.  Not everyone can afford professional care.  Because of To Write Love On Her Arms, more people can.  Because of To Write Love On Her Arms, I have a permanent community of support.  I know I am about to share very personal information.  I also know that when I’ve done so before, someone has always reached out in appreciation.  I’m not writing for appreciation.  I’m writing with hope that someone feels less alone.  I am writing to combat the stigma that we cannot talk about mental health.  If I have learned anything (and I’ve learned much), I have learned that it is okay to ask for help.  It is ok not to be okay.  I have learned that the bad feelings ALWAYS pass but some storms last longer than others.  This pandemic has been incredibly difficult for many people.  Some people experienced depression and anxiety for the first time and others felt their depression and anxiety amplify to new levels.  I’m writing to say: I am here for you.  I see you.  I believe you.  I’m also here to say thank you.  Thank you to the friends and family members meet me in the sadness and love me because of it not in spite of it.  Thank you for the hard conversations, the song recommendations, the cards, the IG messages, taking me to the doctor, holding me when I cry even though I’m not a hugger, for taking me to the ER junior year of college when I had a debilitating anxiety attack, and most of all for accepting the good days, the ugly cries, the loud and obnoxious laugh, and the understanding that I have a mental illness-I am not an illness.

Here’s the abridged version.

About 15 years ago I successfully convinced myself that I was stupid while studying for Chemistry as a sophomore.  I just did not get it.  I went to a private all-girl college prep school.  Academics were intense.  I worked my tail off, fell asleep with my books in my arms, and obsessed over school work.  I was never very good at positive self-talk- I constantly put myself down.  I was too fat, too dumb, didn’t have weekend plans therefore I had no friends.  I was “too sensitive” and I became disgusted with myself.  I would cry and cry and cry because I just did not know how to get past these hurdles-the doubt bullies.  My dad would pick me up from school every day and the tears would come.  At the time we didn’t know I was dealing with a major depressive disorder.  I was told I had nothing to cry about at 16 and asked why I was so miserable.  I believed that I was truly just a miserable and moody teenager-don’t we all go through that phase?  Sometimes at night when I was studying I would bang my head against my bedroom wall questioning why I was so stupid, why I didn’t have any friends, and why I was so ugly.  I look back now and know that was the depression talking.  I never got lower than a B on a report card, I was student council president, and I had many friends.  However, I didn’t know how to get the depression to just shut up already.  

Those formative high school years and the negative mantras shaped my journey into adulthood.  I successfully convinced myself that I was unattractive and undeserving of romantic love or any love for that matter.  I would scratch my arms to feel some physical pain to make sense of the internal pain.  

Amazing people were sprinkled into my life since the time I was in grade school (friends) and since birth (family).  I had no idea how to explain my experiences with depression to my family.  By the time I got to college I had become pretty set in my ways and my detrimental thinking.  I remember calling my mom during what was most likely my first panic attack during college.  She assured me that it was probably my nerves and stress (which were huge contributors) and to “try some tea and listen to Johnny”.  John Mayer’s music was the first that I was able to identify with in terms of anxiety and depression.  It wasn’t his most popular stuff but it was a lifeline for me.  I also found in college a group of friends that became my chosen family.  They didn’t understand my illness either but they were and are the most patient, supportive, and caring people I could have ever hoped to meet and still be close with 14 years later.  

After year after graduating college, I moved to Boston.  My relationship with Boston is a pretty great love story because of the people I met there.  For the first time in my life I met people who struggled with self-worth, self-injury, and relied on medication to keep themselves safe.  During a particularly difficult season of my depression, I began self-harming.  My therapist and I decided it was best for me to begin an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program).  For 3 hours a night, 3 nights each week, for 6 weeks I attended a program where was enveloped in acceptance.  I have never had plans to take my life however, I have thought that the life I was living just wasn’t worth it.  I thought for sure that the best part of my life was behind me and that I really didn’t have much worth living for.  I was convinced that I was a lost cause.  The effectiveness of the meds always wore off and there were weeks at a time when I questioned if this life was worth fighting for.  I found friends in Boston that I still reach out to to this day when things are feeling very low.  Those people, unfortunately, know what it’s like to question if this is all worth it.  Those people, fortunately, remind me that the fog does lift even if it feels like it’s all I know.  

Now at 32, I still struggle almost daily.  Where I am at 32 is very different than what I envisioned.  I have wanted to be a mom since as long as I can remember (I had 40 baby dolls as a child and they all had names.  They were also my students in my pretend classroom in my basement.). I long for romantic love.  Someone who I can love and be loved by.  But the real love.  That person who can call me out and be my biggest fan.  And vice versa.  Someone with a big heart and an accepting mind.  This is getting gushy.  I regress.  And to be a mom. I long to be a person who is fortunate enough to create her family and love her job and her friends and dogs and stand up for others and speak out against injustice.  I’m not there yet, but I’m getting closer every day.

When I look back on my experiences thus far with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, I think about just how lucky I am that I have a sister, brother, parents, cousins, aunts, childhood friends, high school friends, high school teachers, college friends, Italy friends, furry friends, Boston friends and roommates who have loved me through my darkest times.  I am amazed by the support, both of those who haven’t had experience with mental illness before loving me and those to whom I am forever connected because of our similar experiences.  My people are #worthlivingfor.

There is so much #worthlivingfor.  I’m so glad I’m here to experience it.  

I am fundraising with @twloha​ to help provide access to counseling for those who need support.  Please visit https://give.twloha.com/fundraiser/2871863 .

Thank you for reading this. personal message.  It was long and it was sensitive.  I am grateful for the courage to share and thankful for every listening ear and kind heart.  I could write pages more.  But today I encourage you to share what is #worthlivingfor in your life.  Tag me (@lafferrx on Insta).  Spread the love- the world needs it more than ever.

[dellumbra]

ok going the obvious route but ducktales (2017) | dellumbra | penumbra

001 | Send me a fandom and I will tell you my:

Favorite character: penumbra... i care her

Least Favorite character: OOH hard queston... jim starling, probably

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): dellumbra, drakepad, whatever the ship between donald/panchito/jose is called, dorkules and scromgold

Character I find most attractive: penny 😳

Character I would marry: ..... selene

Character I would be best friends with: DELLA

a random thought: id rly like, like.... explicit representation for mental illness and stuff. a LOT of characters are autistic/adhd coded and lena/della clearly have ptsd and like. as someone w Mento Illness itd mean a lot to see that stuff. like. explicitly stated, ig?

An unpopular opinion: beakley is one of the main characters and deserved a figuring. does that count as unpopular

My Canon OTP: ..... fendra

My Non-canon OTP: dellumbra

Most Badass Character: OOH, THATS HARD..... tough choice between donald, della, penumbra and drake

Most Epic Villain: magica was SUCH a good villain, especially as like.... the initial Main Villain. it set a great standard to expect of future seasons

Pairing I am not a fan of: penpad

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): can i say ma beagle? i wanna say ma beagle. they handle stuff like lenas abuse rly well but then for ma beagle it feels like her treating the beagle boys badly is the punchline. do not like

Favourite Friendship: dewey and webby

Character I most identify with: dewey

Character I wish I could be: gosalyn

002 | Send me a ship and I will tell you:

When I started shipping them: hmm.... probably like right after what ever happened to della duck came out!!

My thoughts: I THINK ITS SO GOOD AND IM SO SO EXCITED TO SEE HOW IT PANS OUT IN SEASON 3 NOW THAT THEYRE BOTH ON EARTH TOGETHER.....

What makes me happy about them: two female characters who have an interesting dynamic and character arcs where their relationship is not only important, but NECESSARY.... im also a sucker for enemies to friends to lovers

What makes me sad about them: penny HAAAATED della at first.... i rewatched the golden spear recently and like. wow she rly does try to kill della like five times huh

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: like... idk i feel like penumbra is infantilized, somehow? ppl tend to portray her as a love more naive than she actually is, imo

Things I look for in fanfic: it existing at all

My wishlist: della confesses her love on the rooftop while they watch the sun rise. they share a kiss with their silhouettes illuminated. when they get married, they both wear suits. launchpad was a poor but effective wingman. slow burn enemies to friends to best friends to mutual pining to lovers

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: della with selene, penumbra... also with selene.

My happily ever after for them: things finally settle down as much as they can for the duck family. they get married and grow old together and h*ld h*nds

003 | Give me a character & I will tell you:

How I feel about this character: I ADORE PENNY SO MUCH...

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: della and della and also sort of selene but mostly della

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: her dynamic with donald was SOOO funny in what ever happened to donald duck... i also cant wait to see her relationship with webby

My unpopular opinion about this character: “bother her with my presence and love until she begrudgingly cares about me back” will, in fact, only work for della. other characters will have to go about getting pennys approval in different ways.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: DELLUMBRA CANON.... PLEASE.......

Favorite friendship for this character: like i said, her and donald and her and webby both have a LOT of potential. i also hope that she and launchpad become sort-of-friends.

My crossover ship: penumbra and undyne........

[linos-teeth]

[1/?] Hhhh sorry for disappearing for a week too it's been a (mentally, but i can sense the howework is coming for my ass soon) busy time ig?? God it went, idk, better than i expected but at the same time worse? Idk im just mostly alone all the time except when i can hang out with friends in the higher grade (we dont have the same schedule so it's rare) but in my class? Fuck, your boy got no one JDSVKS but i think i made a friend today but im not sure?

[2/?] We exchanged numbers and she was nice but she seems too cool,, for me,, idk how to act around new people anymore,, so yeah basically how my week went, alone in my sadness and already crying because of school lol so i feel you, i reallly want to just run away from responsibilities :) my new school is ugh idk, i’m not used to be this free with basically everything so it’s weird for me? Schedule’s kinda ok, ppl in my class are (for now) rather normal, teachers are ALL jdh BOR I N G– anyway!!

[3/?] It’s sad you’re not going to see your friend before next year, god :(( i hope you’ll get good friends at uni,,— and well not stress too much abt real life eiTHER and erm i cant offer advices or anything obviously but fuck yeah i’m (for the 373929th time, i’m sorry for ALWAYS repeating myself) here to listen :(((

[4/4, finally] + dont apologize abt not gif-fing (??) anymore, really, your mental health is way more important!! Take all the time you need to figure things out n all, and understand im not saying we dont care abt your gifs (i personnaly rlly like them!!), but its toTALLY OK AND UNDERSTANDABLE YOU TAKE CARE OF URSELF FIRST anyway i may have forgot things i wanted to say? But its getting rlly long so ill stop here but basically ily and wish u good luck with finding a place and all that stuff! 💕

HELLO FRIEND guess who disappeared for over a week i’m the one who’s sorry :// i feel you soso much wow my mind is just like.....dead i was away for 3 days this week to sort stuff out with the other uni in person like i had to hand in a document to receive another and bus connections are disgusting so i had to stay 2 nights but!!! it went well the counsellor was rly sweet (good bc i felt like i’d offended her when we were exchanging emails rip) and now i’ve got all my documents on the way and i just need them to arrive on time aka monday which is the deadline for applications aND THEN I’M GOOD TO GO!!! i also have a rly nice place to stay temporarily with a family and their baby randomly loves me and the guy and i share the same favorite football club so life‘s quite alright (just the wifi uh....kinda sucks so.........idk what that means for this blog yet)

bUT!!! i hope hw is treating u alright and school too! sucks that the ppl you get along with don’t share classes with you but i’m glad you have them still!! and the girl too i hope she’s still being good and i don’t have to beat anyone up bc wtf nonny i rly don’t think she’s too cool for u!! like coolness rly is subjective and maybe you’re her brand of cool! like i don’t think i’m cool but ppl say i am and i find ppl cool who think they aren’t you feel me?? but yeah anyway i hope that is going well ♥ i get the freedom part i cried sm when i started uni bc they don‘t rly tell you shit any more and me as someone who needs detailed instructions for everything i was like jhaskfjahskfjahskfas

also sue me but i think boring teachers are the best the fun ones usually turned out to be fake for me tbh bUT I DON’T WANNA BE NEGATIVE

but i don’t like the sound of the sad :/// are u feeling better?

bUT YEAH THE PLAN IS TO SHARE WITH U AND MY FOLLOWERS (even tho i don’t wanna rant too much without rly contributing to the community you know) except i’ve been kinda hating tumblr lately esp with birthday season i got some big blog crisis again (ha look at ur part 4......i failed u again sorry) BUT I’M RLY TRYING AND I GOT SOMEONE TO HIT ME WITH A LITERAL STICK WHEN I TALK SHIT ABT MY BLOG SO!! DW

but yeah i’ll try to reply quicker from now on!!! i hope you had a good week pls know that i love you and i’m sending you hugs always ♥♥♥

[isitstraightvodka]

so buckle in: so way back when i was 21 (.. so three years ago) which i know doesnt seem young when you're it, but looking back im like HOLY SHIT i was a BABY, i was at uni (still am) and when i was picking my classes for the semester found it amusing that two of my classes were with the same professor. i'd had him before, he was pretty chill, and ugly as all fuck. like. he was known for being the professor that all the good professor's chucked their shitty classes at bc he'd never published (1)

and anyway it was all good! u know, the classes seemed interesting and i was coming out of a really bad depressive period that had lasted about a year or so and i was, to my mind, Recovered. so that semester i put in a lot of effort into…. pretty much everything. my grades were sky high, i was dressing nicely and doing my hair and makeup, i was moving out of home, i was On My Shit. and it had been a bit of a joke among my friends and i that the prof seemed to quite like me (2)

he was always joking about with me, he handed out extensions to me like candy, and one time he was caught staring down my shirt which. was just sort of Funny at the time because??? this dude is in his late thirties and a bit sad, so whatever you know. it just became a running joke amongst my friends and i that i was going to fuck my professor. until, of course, end of semester came about and he invited the whole class (for one of the units) out for end of semester drinks (3)

and so my friends and i trundled along and got…. fucking obliterated. he did too. and then as the night goes on people start leaving and it somehow ends up just being he and i as i figure out how to order an uber (i’d never used uber before at the time, it was still relatively new in perth) so i can get home. anyway my phone died so i was like… well. Fuck! and he invited me to come to his office and charge my phone. anyway ended up fucking him because im a Disaster who wants validation (4)

and he’s a dickhead in a position of authority exploiting that position and also out relative drunkenness to get a fuck. anyway all good, all fine. the next morning im freaking out like holy shit CAN’T HAPPEN AGAIN to which he’s like. it’s chill, i really like you and im already planning on notifying the university that i cant teach you again which had me like. oh. oh okay? cool. that’s pretty great, thanks.  and he’s like… so like, would u be interested in going on a date? (5)

and im like…… in for a penny, in for a pound right? so. sure, ig, as long as you. file that paperwork, that would be nice i suppose. anyway we end up dating for eight months, i meet his friends, some of his family. it’s all cool, but also im not actually sure if i like him or not or if i just like the fact that someone’s into me? and then i meet a girl through a friend of mine who is like oh man i met this girl i think you’ll get along with you should join us for dinner tonight (6)

so, i do. and while we’re at dinner i mention something about the prof just casually to my friend and the girl stops and goes “oh, you know x?” and im like oh yeah we’ve known each other a while and she sort of went quiet. and then later on she’s like “hey, dont take this offensively, but do you know if x has a history of sleeping with his students?” and im like. alarm bells ringing. like yeah! my dude he sure does! in fact, i’ve been fucking him for 8 months (7) 

and she goes “that motherfucker, i’ve been dating him ‘exclusively’ for five months” :) and so we confronted him and it turned out! he also had a chronically ill fiancee at home! who none of his friends or family that i’d met had said anything about! anyway someone ended up reporting him to the university without our consent and he ended up getting away with the whole thing (and! he never submitted that paperwork lmao). that’s the story of my shitty ex! who i still have to see around campus (8)

tl;dr: don’t fuck people who are in positions of authority over you. even if you think you’ve got control over the situation, you don’t and they Will fuck you over and destroy your mental health!!!!! (9) 

well THAT was one hell of a rollercoaster! men ain’t shit, he is disgusting and I can’t believe you still have to see him, that must be horrible. and he’s a fucking professor, it’s wrong and foul to take advantage of students like that, and he’s engaged too?? like wtf dude, he sure is fucked up for thinking all this is/was ok. i’m fuming, this is why i don’t trust many men bc they’re act in terrible ways, I hope you’ve had/will have better experiences, lo, it’s what’s best for you, and you deserve everything good when it comes to relationship. I pray you never go through something like this again, but thank you for sharing! xx

let’s chat about shitty exes!