#they’re me but twisted and translated into a different context

[artocelot]

Lads I did it. I gave into the temptation and made a patho self insert/oc. 😔 (pictures and full explanation under the cut)

They go by Alder and they’re a former acting prodigy from the capital who, while in the throes of a flourishing career had a nervous breakdown on stage, due to unchecked anxiety and OCD.

They chose to flee to the town on Ghorkon rather than face scrutiny from their peers and now help write plays and train actors at Mark Immortel’s theatre.

They rent a room above the theatre where they live with their cat (Chichikov). They don’t leave their lodgings very often due to paranoia about someone from their old life finding them (hence the choice to pick the new name Alder, rather than keep their old one) however they’ve formed some small connections across the town, notably with Yulia, who they find fascinating despite their polarising worldviews, and Eva, who they visit in the Stillwater from time to time for idle chatter.

They’re fond of the (at the time) nearly emerging techniques of Epic Theatre, although they clash a lot with Immortel over the anti realism of a lot of his plays.

They’re curious about the ideas of the utopians, with the polyhedron quickly becoming a symbol of safety in their life, having convinced themself that if it falls then that will herald the end of the world.

When the plague comes to town they lock themself in the theatre, where the healers will meet them in the first few days, helping to put on the prophetic plays you can watch at night.

They’re initially suspicious of the Bachelor, with him being from the capital, but warms to him after discovering he is both a friend of Eva Yan and knowledgable in literature and theatre (he thinks they’re a bit off their head, but is thankful that there’s someone to talk to in the theatre that isn’t Mark Immortel). As the days pass and the town crumbles, Alder starves themself in their lodgings- too afraid to leave to get food, Dankovsky can choose to bring them supplies and if he does they will thank him and beg him to preserve the polyhedron, believing that he and Mark are the only people they can trust.

With the Haruspex they’re initially wary but cordial with him, being too isolate once the plague starts to really catch any rumours of him being a murderer. As time goes on they get more distrustful of him, especially once he begins to work with the inquisitor, who they believe to be an outsider destined to disrupt the balance of the town and bring the world crashing down with it. As they don’t trust the Haruspex and they aren’t one of his bound, he does not get the choice to bring them supplies and given the Bachelor is too busy failing to do anything to stop them starving themself, by the final time the Haruspex can talk to them, they’re wracked with days of hunger and stress and will lash out at him, calling him a world killer and trying to bar him from the theatre. If Artemy returns to the theatre after this conversation he will learn of their death.

With the Changeling, they don’t believe their magic to be the product of miracles, instead trying to explain it away as performance and sleight of hand, this doesn’t start them off on the best foot. Clara goes to recruit them for the humbles and find them in a manic fervour beneath the theatre, decrying Katerina as a false prophet and apparently having eaten something that was growing down in the basement area. If you get the secret(? Idk the one where you talk to the tragedian and the executor) ending in this route you can see them watching from the seats above.

Also his favourite play is the government inspector- I didn’t know where to fit this in so you get it at the end as a treat. Thank you for reading my waffle

[royalarchivist]

Quackity: This project is not over and I’ll do everything necessary to strengthen it day by day. It is a process. Step by step, and it will take time. But I’m taking care of it. [...] I have a personal conviction with this project and I’ll keep working to improve it.

This video is also available on Quackity's VOD YouTube channel, and will include English translations very soon. Please take a moment to read through the transcript of his stream in the meantime; I think it will help a lot of people feel a little bit better.

Translations provided by @QuackitySubs.

[ Full Transcript ↓ ]

—

Quackity: I turned on stream to give an announcement regarding what’s happening with the QSMP structure. I know there’s people with many doubts about lots of things so I hope this helps you all understand a little bit more. I’ll be saying all of this in Spanish because I find it easier to express myself in it since it’s my first language. I wanted to make that clear.

I want to give, and explain, a little bit of the context of everything, ok? These past three weeks have been very turbulent regarding many aspects. The restructuring process that’s going on for the project has not been easy at all. Before I involved myself, and I said it before, there was people who damaged the project in very harmful ways, administrative and financially wise. I addressed this before. But I haven’t given any updates or anything of that nature because the only updates I’ve had are all inner and of legal matter. Therefore, there are no visible changes, but they’re important ones that need to be done.

I’m telling you: people with ill intent have been removed from the project, and I’m still in the process with people that have caused a lot of this harm since the beginning. That has been one of the main focuses of this restructuring that’s being carried out. Guys, I want to make something very clear: during this process, the actions that are being made have to be done with extreme care.

Recently, I’ve wanted to give many updates both inside and outside, but we’re facing a very critical issue that’s leaked information. I don’t know if the people who leaked information and announcements from the inside knew this was going on. But when I gave inside information and it leaked where it shouldn’t have; that affected the process that was needed to take care of many things. And the people who affected me administratively and financially, which I already talked about in a past stream, found out about matters that they shouldn’t have known about and used this information to twist it and affect the process. This complicated to a great extent many things. This is why I haven’t given any announcements. This is why I’m not able to talk freely as much I’d like to, and I’m not ignoring or evading but a very, very delicate process is being carried out.

Since the beginning it was known, within my involvement, that to achieve a complete change we had to start with the people who affected me, the project, and that were the cause of many issues that have been going on this whole year. With that being said, what happened was we started looking for a financial strategy for the project because the costs are very high. The project was going to shut down, I already talked about this. And as soon as I could define through different strategies, if there was a way to support the project, the next step was going to reestablish the many QSMP parts that did not longer exist. And I want to make something very clear; given the financial circumstances of the server, I did not want to make anybody a promise that not even I knew could be fulfilled. For this reason, this element was still present- the financial element, and I could not give any more inner updates because I was working on a very important part of the financial element of the server.

It is my understanding that the lack of communication has been notorious, and I reiterate, it’s not on purpose. There are many matters behind the scenes that I’ve been meaning to address, but I’ve had to be very, very careful. I understand if there are people who do not agree with the approach of the process, and if you don’t trust the project neither the process that’s being carried out, don’t worry. I don’t have an issue if you stop consuming the project. I understand that completely. I said I had a personal conviction with the project and it will stay that way.

I’ve been working arduously, and I’m going to do everything in my power for the project to continue but with the best conditions possible, and something I want to make very clear is that this process takes time. That is something I want to make very clear. This process takes time.

Guys, there’s people who have parted ways with the project and that will continue leaving on their own will and I understand that fully. I don’t have a problem with whoever took or will take this decision and I wish them the absolute best. In fact, I made an inner announcement where I let them know that a restructure would take time to be implemented. And there’s people that, for reasons, no longer want to be a part of this project, and I completely understand it because it’s not easy to be in adjustment stages, so I understand. Something I announced from the beginning was that my main goal would be that the project would go back to normal, but with the best conditions possible. This can be achieved following the right dynamics and the right setting for every person contributing to the project and this cannot be done within three weeks. This entire process continues.

Having given a little bit of context behind many aspects regarding the project, I ask of everyone that would like to stay, their utmost patient. I don’t want to make any promises and I don’t want to sugarcoat it. I want to make concrete actions. And that’s what I’ve been doing, whether you can see it or not, that’s what I’ve been doing step by step.

Guys, the changes that I’m doing are in the project’s best interest and I’ll say this openly: These changes are in the project’s best interest and for the people who love it, people who have been impacted by it, people who follow and love what this project means. These people are my motivation and the inspiration for which I started the project, for which I’m still doing the project and for which I’ll keep doing the QSMP. I am not doing this, and I want to make it very clear, I am not doing this for the people who, for a very long time, want to see the project torn down through efforts that show the complete opposite of having love for the project. Be it non-constructive comments, malicious actions, ill intentions wishes upon me, the team, and any community that consumes the QSMP, and the project in general. To me, that all of these ill-intentioned people stop consuming the project does not bother me in the slightest. I want that very, very clear.

Guys, let’s not forget about something very important: it is very difficult to build something but it very easy to destroy it. To everyone who would like to join us in this building process, you’re welcome. For those who seek to destroy it maliciously… this project, since the beginning, wasn’t and it is not made for you.

Lastly, I’d like to say that these past days I’ve been getting many calls, emails and messages from people all around the world expressing what QSMP means for them. This is why, and I’m saying it as it is, this project is not over and I’ll do everything necessary to strengthen it day by day. It is a process. Step by step, and it will take time. But I’m taking care of it.

I want to thank everyone for putting their trust in me beforehand, and I reiterate my personal commitment to strengthen this project. I hope this clarified some doubts and gave context that to many people it was necessary. I reiterate, I have a personal conviction with this project and I’ll keep working to improve it.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hello, a question, due to the reactions of the boys,.... perhaps Valentine's Day does not exist in their world? :00

I was thinking that was a possibility 🤔 It would certainly help explain why we’ve never really had a Valentine’s Day event. Not to mention that it's off that of the 28 letters we've been getting for 3 years now, not ONE has ever mentioned a "valentine" or a special occasion of the sort. (Maybe Christmas and various other winter holidays don’t exist either, since we’ve never had a Christmas themed event…? Or perhaps they’re under different names like how the Star Sending is basically TWST’s take on Tanabata.) I know Twisted Wonderland has Halloween, but that doesn’t necessarily mean all holidays in our world translate over to their world.

On the “Valentine’s Day doesn’t exist in TWST” theory, we’ve never heard the name mentioned or a holiday like it vaguely referenced in passing. Also supporting this is the fact that many of the Valentine Gift letters (which are only called “Valentine Gifts” in the real world, not in the context of the in-game universe) don’t make mention of the day being particularly remarkable. In fact, it can be argued that some letters imply the sender is giving a character a gift on some random day of no particular importance. For example, Floyd 2021: Hey, thanks for the gift! I don’t think it’s my birthday though, so what gives? It’s a little weird just getting something out of the blue/Floyd 2022: Is it a thing for land-dwellers to just randomly gift each other stuff?, and Ace 2021: Thanks for the present. But what’s up with the sudden gesture?/Ace 2022: I was floored when I got a gift from you out of nowhere!, just to name a few! This is, of course, assuming the characters are not teasing, playing ignorant on purpose, or actually forgot what day it was (which, given which characters these are, that’s a 50-50 chance). It's not clear if the letters actually indicate consecutive years or not (ie 2021 letters are one year, 2022 letters are the consecutive year in the TWST timeline, etc.), otherwise I would say that Floyd being confused about the gifts he receives as an indication that Valentine's Day isn't a thing for those in Twisted Wonderland. Alternatively, maybe it isn't a holiday for merpeople???? (Just because Floyd mentions in his 2022 letter that he thinks it's a tradition for land-dwellers.)

There are also various lines you could interpret as “oh, the character is just surprised that you consider them a good friend and gifted them something (regardless of it’s a special day or not)”. For example, Deuce 2021: Thank you for the present. You surprised me a bit with that since we don’t often get chances to give our classmates gifts (the bolded part implies that today is somehow a special day designated for gift-giving?), and Jamil 2021: Thank you for the gift. To think I would receive something from you… Well, it caught me off guard (the bolded part would be interpreted as Jamil being shocked you consider him a friend worthy of a gift, or it could be his general shock at being thought of since he's used to playing support to others; it does not imply a special day).

I think the letters could also be interpreted in those ways as well, especially since not all Valentine’s Day gifts in Japan are meant to be romantic. (There are different phrases to denote gift meaning in Japan; “tomo choco” are given to friends, “giri choco” are given to coworkers/teachers/family, etc.) Sometimes there are lines which imply a "return of the favor" (via gifting, sharing their sweets, or just hanging out together(, and while this is definitely in-character for the boys who say it (coughAZULcough), it also implies a custom that is similar to Japan's version of Valentine's Day (ie if you have similar feelings (again, these feelings DON'T need to be romantic in nature), then you reciprocate by giving a gift in return). However, this doesn't occur with all the characters so it seems inconsistent. The inconsistency can be considered either as 1) it's not a holiday, so they don't feel like they have to return the favor for a random gift they got for no particular reason, or 2) the character does not return the sender's feelings (implied to be at least respect or friendship). It’s also possible that the characters just feel like they should do something nice for the sender in return as a general “thank you”.

That could, of course, also have to do with the joseimuke design of the game (meaning that while it is marketed to a predominantly female demographic, the content is not explicitly romantic in nature like it would be for an otome). This allows a wider audience to be cast in TWST’s net, since not all fans are interested in romantic relationships with the characters.

In any case, until TWST gives us confirmation of Valentine's Day or some twisted equivalent of it, then I don't see why the "Valentine's Day doesn't exist in Twisted Wonderland" headcanon can't be true 😂 They left it juust ambiguous enough for everyone to have whichever headcanon they want!

[superthatguy62]

The Differences and Influence of  the Final Fantasy 1 manga

While Final Fantasy is certainly no stranger to adaptations and alternate media, it’s mostly towards the later entries such as VII or XV depending on how you feel about such media, this may not be a bad thing.

When it comes to the first three entries, their adaptations are the most mysterious: Final Fantasy III got an absolutely insane manga, Final Fantasy II got a somewhat insane novelization and Final Fantasy I has an obscure manga. As these came out long ago in Japan and were rarely, if ever, re-released, knowledge on these media remains scarce.

However, TrafalgarScans on MangaDex has translated the entirety of the Final Fantasy I manga, allowing english readers to experience it for the first time.

And, while a straightforward retelling of the original game, there are a few interesting elements in it. Elements that may seem somewhat familiar if you’ve Dissidia or Stranger of Paradise Final Fantasy Origin.

Before we begin, I’m going to be doing something different from my previous discussions: Rather than doing a summary/play-by-play of the manga, I’m mostly going to be talking about things I noticed, whether they be different... or indirectly indicative of where Square would take FF1 in the future. As that implies, I will be discussing spoilers for Dissidia and Strangers of Paradise.

For context: The manga was written Kaimejii Yuu and was released in 1989: 2 years after the first game landed on Famicom, one year before it arrived on NES and the same year as the MSX port. So rejoice Space Station!Flying Fortress fans.

Let’s start with one of the obvious ones: 

The Party

The original Final Fantasy centers around four Warriors of Light who mysteriously appear, each with a crystal fragment.

In the manga, we are introduced to the members of the party bit by bit: First, there is Puffy who seems to be a traveling Warrior.

Puffy later meets Flitz/Fritz, a Monk who was kicked out of his monastery for his vices.

A Monk and a Warrior. Seems standard so far. But then there are the other 2 members.

Matoya, a witch who is skilled with black magic.

And the fourth party member... who isn’t introduced until quite a ways in. While Sarah and Bikke both join the party, the true forth member turns out to be none other than

Bahamut, the king of dragons.

Naturally, this is a pretty big deviation: Matoya and Bahamut are NPCs in the game after, but here, they’re main characters. Matoya would go on to be a prominent character in FF1, even being playable in spinoffs for what it’s worth. However, I don’t think there are many FF1 interpretations that put the NPCs in the WoL roles.

They’re not the only ones different, however

The Villains

The Final Fantasy manga follows a somewhat condensed version of the game. It’s actually kinda close to how Memory of Heroes did it, with the focus largely on Garland and the Four Fiends, concluding with a bout against Chaos.

Garland generally keeps his overall role, including his infatuation with Sarah (which makes me wonder what was the first media to touch on that aspect of him) but also has some significant differences: He doesn’t wear armor, he doesn’t seem to die before vanishing and the manga more blatantly sets up the plot twist by showing Garland entering the Dark Crystal. Only Flitz notices though, so he’s the first to realize that Garland’s behind everything once the Warriors learn about the whole she-bang from the Lufenians.

There’s also his name, but we’ll get to that.

The Warriors are promptly attacked by the Four Chaos/Fiends. There’s the Lich, who is looking positively Mobius!Chaos today.

Then we have Marilith, who looks about how you’d expect.

Then we have Kraken... Who is...

And last but not least, we have Tiamat, who has both a monster form and a humanlike form.

And then there’s Chaos, whose design is vaguely reminiscent of how Garland’s armor would evolve from Dissidia onwards mixed with traits from his Chaos form.

Oh yeah, Garland. Did you know that’s not his full name in this adaptation? Yup, long before “Jack Garland” would use the last name Garland, this Garland had the full name of “Red Garland”.

And here’s where we start to get into the influence that this manga may or may not have had on Square-Enix’s future interpretations of Final Fantasy 1.

The Backstory

In the games, the Warriors of Lights’ backstory is left unexplained. This plays into the role-play/”create a party” aspect of the game: It’s up to the player, if they so chose, to fill in the blanks about who their characters are and where they came from.

Memory of Heroes, being a close adaptation of the games, leaves its characters’ backstories ambiguous outside of tying a further connection to Garland as his time shenanigans “unchained” the Warriors of Light and wiped their memories, explaining why they can remember nothing and why nobody recognizes them.

Dissidia Final Fantasy, while not directly touching upon the events of FF1 itself, gives a backstory to its Warrior of Light: He’s a perfect manikin created by Cid of the Lufaine and placed within the cycles of conflict. Over time, he grows into more of an actual person and continuously comes to blows with Garland, who already knows him from the cycle back home. In the end, WoL ends up in the FF1 world and sets off on his journey, determined to not only save the world from Chaos but to free Garland from the endless cycle he unwittingly trapped himself in.

The manga, however, gives a more detailed backstory.

Early in Chapter 2, Puffy explains that she is not actually from that world; In another dimension, she worked at an inn and was just an ordinary girl. However, on her way to visit her friend Matoya, she winds up slipping through a dimensional barrier. When she wakes up, she’s surrounded by the circle of sages who explain the situation to her and send her off to fight Chaos, despite her attempts to argue otherwise. Puffy later meets up with a different version of Matoya, and soon after the manga begins.

This is largely forgotten about until climax, where it becomes much more important:

As one of Lufenia’s Knights of Gaia/Sky Warriors, one of the bats in the Chaos Shrine explains a bit further: It’s not just Puffy, all four of the Warriors apparently hail from other dimensions. The Knights figured that the best way to stop Chaos was to get four people from parallel worlds that Chaos did not exist in, resulting in heroes with fresh perspectives from worlds in which the crystals were not compromised. Thus they set up barriers that would link the five worlds together and the four Warriors of Light seen in the manga wound up being the four that were chosen (the manga mostly focuses on Puffy, but the implication is that Flitz, Bahamut and that version of Matoya all hail from similar parallel worlds). After Chaos is defeated, the four end up being sent back to their own worlds with no memory of their adventure. Puffy in particular goes back to being an innkeeper and serves drinks to various patrons... including Garland who, although rejected by Sarah yet again, has not turned into Chaos and is an overall decent guy.

What makes the dimensional stuff even more surprising is the meta aspect: Either great minds think alike, the parallel world stuff was in the Japanese FF1 or Square Enix took inspiration from this very manga.

Dissidia Final Fantasy is a big fat crossover featuring the protagonists from the first couple games. While the first game was somewhat ambiguous, Dissidia 012 (the prequel) would establish that the game took place on World B: A destroyed parallel counterpart to World A, which is the world of Final Fantasy 1. The reports in 012 would also establish that Onrac stumbled upon a dimensional gate which would be how they acquired the ore that allowed them to produce manikins. 

Stranger of Paradise takes the parallels even further. The concept of Lufenians drawing in people from parallel worlds to function as Warriors of Light was embodied in the Stranger Project. However, it turns out that the manga beat them to the punch with Knights of Gaia’s dimensional barriers. Of course, the KoG were benevolent compared to the SoP Lufenians who were malevolent. The concept of summoning warriors from other worlds would naturally be used there too, although in 012′s case, it’s due to Shinryu’s influence creating gateways.

And speaking of...

The Lufenians

The Lufenians are a simple, standard “Ancient Civilization with advanced tech (TM)” that was common in fantasy stories and would become a recurring trend in Final Fantasy, one that still remains even to this day. As far as plot significance go, they remain primarily in the background: They’re one of the civilizations the WoLs encounter their space station is the Semi-final dungeon and their champions were turned into bats that infodump a number of aspects about the overarching plot. 

Then there’s Cid. In the original Final Fantasy, while the airship is said to be a Lufenian creation I think, I need to fact that that, there’s no mention of any particular Lufenian who created it. Later versions would name the Lufenian “Cid”, in keeping with series tradition of naming the prominent airship engineer “Cid”. Memory of Heroes gave a Cid a more prominent role, leaving behind video projections to show what happened to the Flying Fortress, entrusting the warp cube to the robots and burying the airship that the Warriors of Light find and use to travel in the later half of the story.

However, Cid’s actions are actually somewhat familiar.

In the manga, a Lufenian (not Cid, though with the benefit of hindsight and how SE would’ve handled it, he may as well be) features prominently in the intro, leaves one of the robots to gather the warp cubes in preparation for the day the Warriors of Light arrive and leaves behind a video projection, with the man himself being long dead by then. Not!Cid’s exposition is different though, tying into how the energies from the four shrines can be seen converging on the Chaos Shrine from the Space Station as well as discussing the Knights of Gaia for a bit.

There’s also the dark crystal. In Final Fantasy, Garland is seen in front of a dark crystal in the Chaos Shrine. When the Warriors travel back to the past, they play the lute in front of the shrine, transforming the crystal into a portal. Stranger of Paradise would explain the crystal as being a “Dimensional Crystal Matrix”, sent to them by their unnamed collaborator.

Again, however, this is not the first time this has happened.

Turns out, the Dark Crystal in the manga is a “Time-Space Transfer Device”. The Knights of Gaia had used the device to set up the barriers to summon warriors from other worlds. However, Chaos took control of the device soon afterwards and used it to set up the time loop that would bring him to power. Coincidence or not, the manga Lufenians’ usage of the device would be echoed in the aforementioned two different aspects (the Dimensional Crystal Matrix and the Stranger Project). SoP would also echo the element of Garland taking control of the device for his own uses.  

Conclusion

In the Stranger of Paradise Confidential Files -Secret Chapters- (An official complete guide - Thanks ChrysalisThoughts for the clarification! ), one of the questions posed to the developers is why Jack’s station is known as “Station 19″. While the final game has its own independent time loop, apparently it was named after SoP being the 19th time Final Fantasy 1 was ported/remade at the time, with the idea of different strangers being dispatched from different stations for each of the remakes.

While that plan ultimately didn’t fully pan out, the implication of Final Fantasy 1 having parallel worlds or a connection to other worlds in general is one that has echoed throughout the franchise.

- The Final Fantasy manga utilizing the concept of parallel worlds for its protagonists.

- The Souls of Chaos dungeons featuring prominent bosses from the other 5 Nintendo-era Final fantasy games.

- Dissidia introducing “World B” with 012 establishing it of being a parallel world to the world of the original Final Fantasy

- Memory of Heroes implying that the Warriors of Light of its three adaptations (and perhaps beyond) either inherit the will/souls of the previous ones or are the previous ones reincarnated in another world.

- And Stranger of Paradise’s original intentional of having parallel worlds, along with its hinted connection to World B

It’s looking more and more like a DC multiverse, especially if you flub things to suggest that each interpretation is its own parallel world.

But, in a way, it’s oddly fitting. Final Fantasy is a game that has you make your own party. The game gives no detail as to their character or backstory. You’re encouraged to fill in the blanks yourself, hence why fanfics and such can vary wildly with how everyone ca reinterpret the story. In a way, it’s fitting that SE themselves get in on it. And it’s interesting how, almost every time, multi-dimensional shenanigans manage to get involved.

I dunno.

I just think it’s neat.

[theexodvs]

The Handy-Dandy Exo Intro and FAQ!

27. Married. PCA deacon. My pronouns are uses/bathroom/standing. I am the intersection of BLM Tumblr, Christblr, and the part of Tumblr that criticizes MRAs.

Limited atonement and human sexual dimorphism are beautiful wonderful things.

Scrupulosity, touch starvation, and adolescence are figments of the psychoanalytical imagination.

I block all porn accounts I come across and unabashedly kink-shame.

My anons have anger issues.

When and why did you reject the men’s rights movement? The explanation can be found here.

Suicide-baiting is bad, m'kay? Yes, I know that now. I have apologized for the post you’re talking about, and have removed it.

Do you really think autistic people are perpetual children or think Autism Speaks is a reputable organization? Not anymore, and I haven’t in some time. I have redacted these statements publicly. However, most of my disagreements with other statements made by Temple Grandin and John Elder Robison still stand.

Are you a feminist? Depends largely on the definition. I don’t go about self-identifying as a feminist, but the fact I recognize women are vulnerable, even in rich, western countries, causes other people to see me as one. I stopped caring what people called me a while ago.

Doesn’t your refusal to call yourself a feminist make you as bad as Mpov or SirYouAreBeingMocked refusing to call themselves MRAs? It doesn’t make them “bad,” it makes them look ridiculous. The MRM is a much newer, smaller, and ideologically homogenous movement than feminism, and thus there are still major, definitive tenets it adheres to, all of which Mpov and SirYouAreBeingMocked agree with. The tenets of feminism vary widely by school of thought. I’m not even sure any feminist school of thought would want me in their ranks, while MRAs of all stripes will reblog posts from Mpov and SirYouAreBeingMocked like they’re God-breathed. They should just admit that they’re MRAs, and get on with their lives. It’s not like non-MRAs believe them when they deny being in the movement, anyway.

Why do you police other men’s masculinity? They have a very twisted view of what it means to be a man. They think that leaving scathing reposts towards angry lesbians with stupid haircuts is a good use of their time.

What’s with you and criticizing Israel/Zionism? I find myself under a religious umbrella term that includes those people who consider even the slightest questioning of modern Israel’s place in Biblical prophecy to be an unforgivable sin. Thanks, Jerry Falwell Sr!

Do you believe in replacement theology/supersessionism? These terms are meaningless neologisms invented by Christian apocalypticists in recent centuries to describe anyone who holds a different viewpoint regarding Biblical covenants. The only thing either of these terms has ever meant is “not dispensationalism.”

Which version of the Bible do you generally read? In English, I tend to use the NASB or ESV, depending on the context, as they are both devoted to accuracy in translation. Since I was able to find a bilingual Chinese-English Bible with ESV, that’s the one I use in print, while the NASB is what I use on my phone. For Chinese, I use either the CUV or RCUV (the latter I use in print).

What is your political philosophy? I'm a theonomist.

Are you an advocate for purity culture? The main issue I have with purity culture as it is currently practiced in American evangelicalism is that it expects more from women than from men. If we shamed men who slept around (regardless of their political affiliation) and stigmatized men in revealing clothing, I believe that purity culture can be viable.

Why do you generally refuse to engage SirYouAreBeingMocked? He is not actually interested in truth. He is interested in having a debate.

Why is a doctrine that teaches there are some people who are hellbound a beautiful, wonderful thing? Because the important part of Malachi 1:2-3 is not, “Esau I have hated,” but, “I have loved Jacob.”

I’ve found your account on a different website/know your actual name! And?

[a-chuffed-floating-panda]

Rereading the lam rim chen mo (volume 1)

Okay, I’m actually doing this😵‍💫 I’m gonna throw myself at this until I eventually fly over an invisible wall. (Ch2)

This might be how my brain sorts things out, but it felt like he repeated himself on some points or just said things, but differently. That might also just be me and how I see things, though 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m gonna be honest and say that Janteloven did briefly come to mind as I was taking my notes on this chapter, but I waved the thought away because it’s not a good example to compare to.

Note before I start: my first language isn’t English, it’s Norwegian. I’ve taken notes in both languages and need to translate some things back and forth because there are some things that just doesn’t translate that well. To make it even more personalised I’ll add direct quotes from my notes:)

Also important note? I suck at structure when it comes to scholarly texts, but I’m trying.

The lam rim chen mo is notably vajrayana, I do not practise vajrayana. I would love to, but I don’t have a teacher and I simply haven’t sat down to properly search for one. My background is in zen, Theravada and pure land. So my perspective is an outside perspective and I’m essentially trying to explain how to swim to someone who doesn’t know how to swim while not knowing how to swim myself. I just find the idea that swimming is possible quite interesting:)

Chapter 2: The Greatness of the teaching

He goes over the information in this chapter in four points:

ii. Showing the greatness of the teaching in order to engender respect for the instructions.

A. The greatness of enabling on to know that all of the teachings are free of contradiction.

B. The greatness of enabling one to understand that all scriptures are instructions for practice.

C. The greatness of enabling one to easily find the Buddha’s intent.

D. The greatness of enabling one to automatically refrain from wrongdoing.

Short notes/kicking my brain: cultivate respect, free of contradiction, understand scriptures are instructions, find Buddha’s intent, self control.

The four points mentioned are the four qualities the teachings can elicit in a student if they hear it, and the greatness of the teaching is judged by those four qualities mentioned above.

Words:

Sravaka= a disciple, “those who listened to the Buddha”

Pratyekabuddha= one who achieve enlightenment alone without a teacher, but lack the means to teach it to others

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A. Know that the teachings are free of contradiction.

Right of the bat, Tsongkhapa cites a passage of Avalokitavrata’s commentary on the “lamp for wisdom”

To simplify it (because I’m adding the pictures later) the Buddha taught the material extremely well. What you should know, what you shouldn’t know, things to eliminate, what things to manifest and what a human or deity should cultivate in their life when they wish to attain nirvana.

Like your favourite teacher or professor, you listen intently when they speak.

And with the context of this book in mind, to understand that the teachings are free of contradiction, is to understand that it’s the path a person takes to become a Buddha. While on this path, the main path, there are also multiple paths that branch of the main one, but they’re still contracted. It’s like when you have a subject at school and then all the different topics to learn in the subject. A big tree:)

Since bodhisattvas have the goal of accomplishing good in the world for other beings and care for the students in the three lineages, [sravakas, pratyekabuddhas and bodhisattvas], they also have to study the paths in those lineages to correctly take care of them. So they need to learn the twists and bumps the branches the big tree has. They need to be qualified essentially, if they wish to care for them.

Gonna put this as a note because the “three lineages” mentioned stumped me a little because I thought he meant the schools. Theravada, Mahayana and Vajrayana. But no, he means the different ways to reach enlightenment. “Listening to the Buddha” and “doing it alone with no help.”

He cites Nagarjuna’s “Essay on the spirit of enlightenment” and Dharmakirti’s commentary on the “Compendium of valid cognition”

So, if you don’t have the qualifications, don’t teach others. Get the knowledge and qualifications before teaching others. Take good time to climb the tree, what branches are solid, which aren’t? Those are good questions to ask.

Maitreya says in the Ornament for clear knowledge ,“Those benefactors of beings who accomplish the good of the world through the knowledge of paths” this indicates that knowing the three vehicles is the correct method for a bodhisattva to achieve the goals they have set.

Next he cites a part of The Eighteen thousand verse perfection of wisdom sutra.

In my notes beneath this citation, I’ve written “Know what they teach, perform your acts and duties of the paths as expected,” and “Do your business and do it well. Don’t you dare be sloppy.”

So then, it would be a contradicting statement to push and say you shouldn’t train in the Hinayana scriptural collections if you’re a Mahayana practitioner.

If I go back to the big tree and after having studied all the branches and tested which branches are sturdy, I can make an attempt at climbing it. But there is no one way to climb a tree. There are multiple, some branches cross and others don’t, and I will evidently need to use different branches to get myself up in the tree.

Because there are so many paths to enter the Mahayana, both shared and unshared, a Mahayana practitioners needs to learn and practise all the things taught in the Hinayana collections with minor exceptions, like seeking blissful peace for oneself alone. This is the reason for teaching the three vehicles in the vast bodhisattva scriptural collections.

The type of Buddhahood a Mahayana practitioner strives to achieve is a perfect Buddha, one who has extinguished all types of fault and accomplished all types of good; Not just a portion of faults and a portion of good. Because they develop good qualities and eliminate all faults, all the good qualities from eliminating faults and the acquisition of knowledge within the other vehicles is something included in the Mahayana path. That is why every scripture is included as a Mahayana branch for achieving Buddhahood. Because there simply isn’t a saying of the Buddha that doesn’t extinguish some fault or develop some good qualities, and out of all of those, there is none that a Mahayana practitioner doesn’t practise.

Qualm(s47): “In order to enter the perfection vehicle of the Mahayana, you need the paths that are explained in the Hinayana scriptural collections. However, to enter the Vajrayana, the paths of the perfection vehicle are not shared in common with the paths of the Vajrayana, because the paths are incompatible.”

This qualm is shortened in my notes to “Can’t Mahayana into Vajrayana; cited for incompatibility.”

The reply: “This too is most unreasonable. The substance of the path of the perfection vehicle compromises the thought that is the development of the spirit of enlightenment and the deeds of training in the six perfections. That those must be relied upon on all occasions is set forth in the vajra climax tantra.

“Even to save your life, do not give up the spirit of enlightenment.”

And:

“The deeds of the six perfections should never be cast aside”

The reply in my notes is shortened to “You’re being difficult”

The topic of never giving up the spirit of enlightenment and casting the perfections aside is something that is said in many other tantric texts. It is also frequently stated in such texts that you have to take on shared and unshared tantric vows to enter mandalas of the highest yoga tantra.

It’s something you simply must do.

The first set of vows is the one of a bodhisattva and promising to apply yourself to the training, like the three forms of ethical discipline. Which is why the perfection vehicle has no other path than the training that accord with your own promise to practice the deeds after developing the spirit of enlightenment.

The qualm is also unreasonable because you must to uphold all the aspects of the teaching after taking the vow.

On a green post it note from the first time I read this, I’ve shortened that paragraph to “Must know, must learn, uphold the teaching.”

Daka tantra, integration tantra and vajra climax tantra (s48)

There exist such people that do a hasty assessment and see slight discrepancies in what you should and shouldn’t do and conclude that they contradict each other like hot and cold. Aside from certain points on what should and shouldn’t be done, the scriptures agree. So if you enter the higher levels of the three vehicles or the five paths, you need all the good qualities from the lower paths and vehicles. Analysing branch thickness and their sturdiness maybe? That’s how I understand this.

Written beneath this in my notes “The higher you go, you must have all the good qualities of what you previously learned.”

Verse summary of the perfection of wisdom in eight thousand lines (s48 nederst)

The path of perfections is the center post for the path leading to Buddhahood, which means casting it away would make a horrible choice. It’s said quite often, more so in the Vajrayana, that the Mahayana is the path most common to sutra and tantra. Buddhahood is rapid if you add to this shared path all the unshared paths of the mantra vehicle initiations, pledges, vows, the two stages and their attendant practices.

But you make a great mistake if you cast aside the paths shared with the Mahayana vehicle

Beneath this, I have “Don’t throw anything away!!” And “Throw these away, you bego a great mistake.” *Ominous cat meme ⚫️^⚫️*

If this is something you don’t end up understanding, then each time you think you have an understanding of an isolated teaching, you will abandon other teachings.

This is something that will continue to happen.

Think you have an interest in the higher vehicles? You’ll throw the scriptural collections in the Hinayana and the Mahayana. In that mantra vehicle, too, you’ll end up abandoning the three lower tantra.

In my notes, “This bad. Not good.”

This is something that will accumulate great karmic obstruction from abandoning the teachings.

So, after relying on an excellent Guru protector and solidifying your belief that all scriptures are casual factors for one to become a Buddha. Then you practise what you can practice now.

Don’t think of using your own incapacity as an excuse to abandon what you cannot actually engage in or turn away from. Instead think “When will I practice these teachings by actually doing what should be done and turning away from what shouldn’t be done?”

In my notes, “Don’t attempt to practise something you’re not qualified in. You need to work for such practices, accumulate what needs to be accumulated, clear away obstructions and make aspirational prayers.”

“Gain the right qualifications and before long you’ll accumulate greater mental power and reach the stages you were previously unable to practice.”

I had to ask a friend to help see if my English was actually Englishing when I read this page and they gave me the interpretation of not taking on too much at a time, but learn things at a pace where you can truly master it in a meaningful way, and they said “Like in the jungle book with a sprinkle of ‘don’t look back at life with regret’.” Now, the bare necessities/ “ta det som det faller seg”, isn’t translated as that, it’s more to take things as they come/take life as it comes.

“The precious teacher Drom-dön-ba said, “My guru Atisha, knew how to bring all of the teachings within a four sided path. Those words are very meaningful.

Since the instructions in the root text [lamp to the path to enlightenment] guide students by gathering the key points of the sutra and mantra vehicles into one path for one to become a Buddha; these instructions then have the joy of producing the certainty that the teachings are free of contradiction. (S49)

B. The greatness of enabling one to understand that all scriptures are instructions for practice

Generally known, only the scriptures from the Buddhas teachings provide the means to achieve the ultimate benefit and happiness for those who desire to be free. The Buddha is free from all error in teaching what to be adopted and what to cast aside.

Sublime continuum (s50)

Since the Buddha is free from all error, his words, his teachings, collections of sutra and tantra, are the supreme instructions.

A student will not be able to discover the intent of the instructions by learning by themselves without also reading and leaning on valid commentaries and personal instructions from great teachers.

“No, I will not😃” personal comment to the ‘not be able to discover’ line, followed by “men jeg vil da:)” but I want to:)

Thus, for something to be a pure personal instruction it must bestow a certain knowledge of the classical texts. You can only cast aside a personal instruction if it doesn’t bestow the correct amount of knowledge on the meaning and intent of Buddhas words and commentaries. Also, cast it aside if the instruction teaches something that is incompatible with the path you’re practicing.

There are some people who believe that the classical texts should be considered as explanatory teachings, and thus lacking the key points for practice. These people also believe there are separate personal instructions that teach the core meaning behind the practise. Then they believe that there are two separate teachings, one that is explained and the one you practice.

A brain note/example beneath this “Sravaka?” In the heart sutra commentary by Red pine, this did become a little bit of an insult after a while. They were seen as someone only hearing the Buddhas words, but not putting them into practice. (S43. Heart sutra commentary, red pine)

They then believe that there are two separate forms of the excellent teaching- one that is explained to you and the one you practice. This attitude prevents the ability to properly respect the sutras, tantras and the commentaries that comment on their intent. You should know that when you look at the classical texts as objects of contempt, and believing that they only promote superficial knowledge and not the true meaning and say “Those are merely for promoting ones superficial knowledge and eliminating others misconceptions; they do not teach the deep meaning,” you’ll end up accumulating great karmic obstruction.

Which is why, for the people who truly desire liberation and to be free, the authentic instructions are the classical texts.

“However, due to your limited intelligence and so forth, you may be unable to recognise those texts as the instructions through depending on them alone.”

«For en roast! Jeg dør!😂» / “what a roast! I’m dying!😂” this is a rather studious way of telling someone that they’re stupid and that they should check other sources. There is Shinran who says we all are fools, but then there is this. Other points I’ve added, “don’t be a conspiracy theorist,” and “don’t get your certificate online.”

When you do seek out personal instructions, you must do so with a certain mindset “I will seek certain knowledge based on the personal instructions of an excellent being.”

But do not think with this mindset “The texts are without substance, since they merely promote a superficial knowledge and eliminate others misconceptions; yet the personal instructions, since they reveal the deep meaning, are supreme.”

Yogi Chang chup rinchen (s51)

Beneath this citation, “understanding doesn’t mean mastery, it’s just means that you understand instructions”

Gomba Rinchen lama came to a similar understanding when he meditated on Atisha’s instructions by “grinding” all wrongs of body, speech and mind to dust. This is something you must understand.

Teacher Dröm donpa said it’s a bad sign that you still feel the need to look elsewhere for explanations on how to practice after already studying multiple teachings for several years. This means that there are people who have studied for many years and still cannot practice the teaching. Looking elsewhere means that they don’t have the understanding that the classical texts are the instructions for practice.

Vasubandhu’s treasury of knowledge (s51)

There are only two types of scriptures- scriptural and realised. The scriptural determine how you take to the teachings and procedures for practice. While the teachings realised is the practice of the procedures according with how you’ve determined them.

These two then serve as cause and effect. Why attempt to determine one thing from study and reflection and instead go practice something else? Race horse example.

“It’s like showing a horse the racecourse before you race. Once you have shown it, you then race it there. It would be ridiculous to show the horse one course and race it on another.”

Mom?

Don’t jump off half way

Kamisala’s three stages of reflection (s52)

From all this, the instructions include all the key points of the paths from scriptures and their commentaries and how to rely on the teacher. They then lead you through the stages of practice where you meditate on that which needs stabilising and analyse with great wisdom on topics that need analytical meditation. You will come to understand that all the scriptures are instructions for practice by engaging in this type of meditation.

If you don’t engage in that and don’t understand at all, what you’ll end up practicing will be a small incomplete portion of the path. You will not understand that the classical texts are instructions for practice and abandon them in the end.

Most topics in the classical texts are often the only things you need to analyse with great wisdom. If you cast them away, how can you learn to understand and see the texts as supreme instructions? How could you find a master with instructions that surpass them?

In notes “Opposite of zen beginners mind?” I swear there’s a term for this, but I don’t remember it

It’s when you first understand that the scriptural collections and their commentaries are instructions for practice that you’ll also understand that the tantric texts are instructions for practice. You will then believe with utmost conviction that they are supreme instructions for practice and eliminate the wrongful belief that the tantras should be thrown away because they aren’t actually instructions for practice.

Brain notes/examples, Sravaka, red pine

Don’t think you’re better than the instructors (this is the brief brief moment that Jantoven came to mind)

Opposite of zen beginner mind

C. The greatness of enabling one to easily find Buddhas intent.

The classical texts and their commentaries are the supreme instructions, but beginners will not discover their meaning without the personal instructions and guidance of a great being.

Even if they do find out the intended meaning, it will take a long time and require a lot of effort. If you depend on a guru, the meaning will easily come to them. (S53)

Zen beginners mind

“Always ask if help is needed,”- my old middle school teacher

D. The greatness of enabling one from automatically refrain from great wrong doing.

The Buddhas words either directly or indirectly teach methods for becoming a Buddha, is something that is explained in the lotus sutra and the chapter of the truth speaker.

Some people don’t understand this and misunderstandings occur. They believe that some teachings are for becoming a Buddha and that other teachings are obstacles to becoming a Buddha. These people also differentiate the Buddhas words into good and bad, what is reasonable and not reasonable and great and small vehicles. They hold to the belief that some teachings are to be thrown away, thinking that “A bodhisattva shouldn’t train in this, but that instead.”

Bad. This is bad. They abandon the teaching this way.

The sutra Gathering all the threads(s53)

The king of concentrations sutra (s54)

The methods mentioned are the worst ways to abandon the teachings and take a lot of pain to eliminate. The result of abandoning the teachings are grave. Don’t think you know better and that the rules are for everyone else except you. (Also another point where janteloven came to mind) Seeking and gaining certain knowledge is how you overcome abandonment and automatically kept from committing wrongdoings.

You can read more and gain knowledge from the lotus sutra and chapter of the truth speaker.

You can find other examples of how to abandon the teachings in the sutra Gathering all the threads (s54)

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After study soup brain 😵‍💫

Now that I think about it, from my first reading three years ago, I actually remember some pieces of this chapter. The horse race example being the thing I remember the strongest.

Now, what I remember from writing this.

The Buddha was an extremely good teacher who taught his students well. All bodhisattvas must learn practices in the three lineages to take care of the student in those lineages.

Don’t teach when you don’t have the right qualifications.

The classical texts are the supreme instructions for practice. No picking and choosing. Don’t think they’re superficial and don’t teach the deeper meaning of the practice.

The big tree, and that there are multiple ways to approach climbing the tree. You have to Hinayana to go Mahayana. A Mahayana practitioner strives to become a perfect Buddha, one whose has eliminated all faults and accomplished all goods.

Calm down, you don’t have to learn everything in a single night when it comes to the teachings. Don’t throw any of the teachings away because you’ll end up accumulating karmic obstructions

I’m gonna go to bed now😴🥱 I’ll come back and add pictures and edit later, I have the morning shift tomorrow

[jonathankatwhatever]

It’s 5:20AM on 8 Oct 2023, and I want to see what happens when I bluntly think about you, whether math develops and what pathway that takes. I was thinking about how I can no longer trust my conclusions because they all require the exact same twist so my take is different from that of others. There is a convergence, that some events happen, like your plane going to KC on Friday. That signals a relationship, probably one developing into something you already have written out in your head, whether that includes this level of understanding, meaning mission level awareness, or what others see, which is a combination of you living your life in your moment together with your extreme planning ability. In other words, the old question I spent years on: is she aware? That connected directly to: if that’s a she in there, then no.

Because the pairing I feel is that of a female to male inversion in which my perspective is substantially female, because that makes the bond between the inner and outer selves, which are also just perspectives, literally the pairing in standard D-structure of the outward edge in and from the inner End out to the Boundary. It is extremely difficult to label inner and outer selves accurately. I tried and could not do it until I simplified to End and Boundary, so you can see the perspective shift. And you can see this happen in the Triangular this D-structure counting generates.

So the process is D-structure is End plus the waving arms and legs making connections which in my head are literally pulling me into you as you wrap around me, because and this is amazing that literalizes grid square formation. I have to say it the way I see it: I’m in you and our legs and arms pair in different positions from wrapped to extended, together, separately, either on top, and that is CR of the 2 1Segments which put together make a grid square. This visualizes what is inherent in grid square construction, that they’re made of 2, and you see a grid square when you draw the axis lines to the hypotenuses we enact. And that makes the gs(n) form when we make a plus sign or cross, and when you pull your legs up, that shows how gs(n) inherently have states within them, that the gs constructed over or around those shapes are layered.

A basic description of layering is built into gs and I see it by imagining us having sex. Why is it us? Why not imagine any video? Because whenever I imagine, I’m actually imagining you, just in a role, and I know that’s true because the deeper I get into that, the better I am at playing the roles, and thus at imagining. It’s been difficult to overcome my doubts while doing this. All those doubts reflect me. How can I say that better because it’s the key to phrasing the inner and outer selves? Let’s say I’m the Observer and I exist within a gs Boundary. That means I’m shifted over pairings and thus over gs Space.

This is amazing, if true. I’m seeing a pairing of inner to outer mapped in Hexagonal, like Inner End to Outer over the center, then expand Inner and out to 1-0Segments to make an HG. So as focus from Observer set at the center shifts, meaning Alternation, the entire structure shifts according to the what is imposed by external context and what generates from within the Observer. The latter translates into the same Hexagonal as ideal: whatever generates from within the Observer Injects at the center End, which is of course the Bip in a gs, as we can now much more clearly see because we construct gs by removing one of those HG. I’m seeing a sexual reason why: D6 Hexagonal is the odd in the count of D2 relative to D8. As in, D2 is 1, D4 is 2, D6 is 3, D8 is 4, and D10 is 5. Typing all those D’s makes me think of breasts, and that makes me think in one of two directions, that they’re physically attractive to me as a male, which I find is true but that fades as soon as I start thinking of them as being attached to an individual constructed within that shell, or that I wonder what it would be like to have those, to be that person in that shell, and that turns me on becuse then I imagine any context, any Storyline because the modeling is dramatically more realistic. I’d say realistic is D4-3, which are what you can see when you look down a Pathway either toward how you hope it will go tomorrow or later today or as a satisfying fantasy.

That was all interesting, and that was one heck of a long sentence of thought. But to get back to the main thread, I’m trying to say that Alternation shifts you without you realizing it, and I don’t mean the change of Observer perspective that you don’t notice while it’s happening, like when you suddenly snap out of a thought and don’t know what you were doing, which can be play or a sign of dementia, a sign of mental sharpness or weakness. That’s interesting: the issue isn’t focus but the detachment from the physical. I guess that’s one reason the sexual part of this matters so much to me, and why it says Moses could still ejaculate when he was 120. That is vigor: the ability to generate the internal energy, the desire for another, the mental ability to visualize that connects to the physical ability to act. That explains why I’m physically attracted to young women as well, because I identify as vigorous and there is that potential in women, as in men. And that fits my teacher student fantasies as well because communication is necessary when the other is a construct like you not a construct of yours. That last phrasing works better.

Got side-tracked again. This problem resists phrasing. I’m trying to say that as the Alternation ideal occurs, you are generating a Boundary that is itself being shifted within D4-3 Space. Maybe I can get that out a bit better. The pairings define the Boundary within enclosing gs context, within all the CM100’s which affect you, so it’s like Dr. Seuss and they build an entire city around the north and south facing Zax, which could also be the Goddess Athena locating Athens or some other take on the meeting of opposing directions at an End which is the center of some context, even if small or momentary.

I’m trying to say that when you shift back to positive or into negative, then you physically tend to move in that direction, sometimes in one fell swoop, like you can’t take back what you do, versus bit by bit getting closer and closer. Those physical movements have been my white whale: how to narrow the gap in understanding between gs and what I do in my day? I need the simplification to see the complexity, to phrase it so I can use that as the 1-0Segment which inverts over the End in an HG to whatever needs to be simplified. That’s the importance and usage of atomic functions, and it’s a reason why I am thinking of the Is and Not notation as predicate calculus. That is, we connect to fCM inherently with CM100, and CM100 models as fD’s within a gs and as HG’s across. See the HG by taking the 2Square level and using those pairs.

That was interesting. So at 2Square, we have HG’s and thus Hexagonal construction through Recombinance at a scale of root2. That means this is a calculus of grid square construction, of gs generated numbers, of 0Space, of the reals. Contained by enlarging to 2Square, so the entire scale changes. Is that the deep meaning of irrational? Let me see: the scale of gs construction changes even though it’s all the same gs grid simply to sK and zK. I typed simply rotated but it isn’t simple because of all the ways that can happen. Like we have multiple states and paths connected to them, which run over all the possible points as soon as you allow partial rotations, which is the same as labeling degrees in the physical world, in tangible D3-4//4-3 existence, which means how one is, in the simultaneity required by multiple north and south going Zax pairing to define not only you but a moment large enough to contain causality, which gets into mass itself being a gs construction, as seen in quarks. I can’t fully connect physics right now. That’s a bridge too far.

So, your entire structure shifts in gs, and that shifts your physical structure. That is finally becoming clear.

I need some sleep. It’s now 6:45 and I’ve lost track of whether the cat is in or out. I began this by saying I wanted to see what happens when I think blunt sexual thoughts about you, and that led to me analyzing my internal identity to seek a better phrasing for inner and outer. That led to a bunch of modeling advances.

That leads to my saying I identify you as a construct like me, and when I see you that way, I generate astounding results. As for the other path, I realized yesterday that if I had been secure in knowing I would possibly fingers crossed generate sufficient money to stay alive to continue the work no matter what happens even if you are a traitor to creation, then I never would have done the work. It would not have been possible. That’s why the high can be worth the pain.

I’m going to empty the dishwasher and go to bed. Where I assume you will be in my head in abundance. They’re all you. They’re all me. They’re all us tangled together working out Storylines.

[oizys-naomi]

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╔══ ≪ °❈° ≫ ══╗

┆ ° ♡ • ➵ ✩ ◛ °　

At the mention of the sixth grader who was brought here, I stiffened up even more and huffed at Es with an irritated expression. The pit in my stomach was impossible to ignore and the knot in it was tightening each time Es opened their mouth. I felt dizzy, no, more than that. My feelings couldn’t possibly be comprehended and translated into any word that existed. The guilt I thought would never exist. The pain. Nothing was comparable to such an awful, sickly feeling that resounded in my brain. The feeling felt so familiar yet distant. Growing, yet muted. My stomach twisted and turned; sweat growing on my forehead as I was forced to swallow the lump in my throat and the tears I was holding back. No, I would never kill someone. That went against every moral in the book, didn’t it? They’re lying, aren’t they? They’re trying to get a rise out of me. That was the only plausible explanation in my spinning head.

Their smile caught my eye, and my hand twitched to restrain myself. I knew that smile. Too well, in fact. The one everyone gave me. The one my friends gave me when I had a meltdown over x and y. The one my family gave me when they knew they were right and I was wrong, because I was always wrong. The one she gave me when she—

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I didn’t even realize I was hyperventilating until my vision started momentarily blurring and blacking from loss of oxygen. I didn’t realize I had tumbled onto the floor, out of my chair; a bundle of nerves as I was digging my nails into the cement floor, a horrified and unreadable expression as I stared blankly at seemingly nothing.

After a quiet moment, I stood up; shaky, wobbling and picked up the chair, almost stumbling before sitting down and scooting in; an unreadable and blank expression. There was no “horrified” look to be seen. It was just empty eyes and a neutral expression, calm and collected—plenty more terrifying in this context.

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“A peek…inside my heart…” I repeated, breathy as I thought over the words they said. It didn’t make sense, but I didn’t care. I didn’t bother to understand what the hell they meant. After all, I doubt I’d get an answer. I never do, do I? This wouldn’t be any different. They treat me like they did.

“Carefully judge…” I mumbled under my breath, still seemingly stuck on their accusation and sighing; wiping my forehead from the sweat that had been pouring on my head. I felt cool again—not that unbearable burning feeling that I usually got when someone they accused me of another thing I’ve never done.

“And how would you do that?” I questioned, meeting their eyes directly after I spoke. My glare was empty but cold all the same. It was odd, wasn’t it? Their accusation brought me to some sort of ‘break’. The break of my mind, or the break of a facade? Hard to tell.

“Forgetting about a murder…there’s no way…”

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First Interrogation ; The Words That Hurt Most

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┊┊❁ཻུ۪۪♡ ͎. ｡˚ 　

I tapped my fingers against the desk, annoyed and darting my eyes around the room impatiently for any sign of a sentient being entering the room, or even the sound of a squeak. It wouldn’t been dead silent without the eerie ambience, which I would have much preferred instead of this sense of dread in the air. Furrowing my eyebrows, I tapped my foot against the cement and glanced towards the door; letting my thoughts wander freely and considering…everything that’s happened in the past 48 hours or less.

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I was annoyed, acting inconvenienced. Maybe it was because I had expected Es to be late due to the fact everyone complained they were late, and I already set my expectations lower than usual for someone like them.

Or.

Maybe because they were taking the most time to get here out of every single interrogation.

I was honestly starting to think it was intentional—they knew about my distrust and suspicion—and therefore they were trying to both piss me off and avoid me at the same time, which made me even more pissed.

Because, even though they looked like my younger cousin in both height and babyface, they had the attitude of a complete brat. It was getting ridiculous, as I’ve heard from several others (and….eavesdropping occasionally) they have found it in themself to be short-tempered and aggravate everyone within a 24 mile radius. It’s almost a talent of how they’ve pissed one of us off at least twice.

Of course, this was just my observation. An assumption, if you will. Because of their rather vague and often contradictory statements, I’ve taken to calling them “pheme”, much to their disliking. Did they know what it meant?…probably not. But that wasn’t the point.

—-——————-————————————————

I sighed, focusing back in on MILGRAM and the eerie chambers. My mind seemed to stop racing when I heard the click of a door and a very familiar cough, clearing their throat.

Es.

(( @wardenes-official ))

╚══════╝

[thisbetternotawakenanything]

My turn to speculate about what we couldn’t possibly imagine! Apart from one of them dying, honestly the most upsetting possibility to me would be if they retroactively decided Gerri was never into it and then they just didn’t really interact after that. A twist like that in the Roman and Gerri dynamic would be a complete waste of the season 2 performances of the actors, and frankly beneath the writing of season 2 as well. The reason everybody went insane for Gerri/Roman was it seemed so nuanced and complex and 50 different things all at once. That last look she gives him on the yacht. The interviews where JSC said the stuff they cut was juicy enough to add a different context to the yacht stuff we did see, and how she herself had to wonder how a viewer who hadn’t seen the ‘juicy’ stuff would then read what was left, if it would still translate - and clearly it did because we spent 2 years thinking something of emotional and/or physical significance had happened!

I just don’t buy that Roman’s S3 hotel proposition had the same character beats as whatever was cut (I’m not saying it was anything physical, I’m not not saying that either). The hotel scene had quite a comedic edge. The yacht he’d just come back from being held hostage ffs. The emotional context was wildly different. The body language on the yacht from both of them was so casually intimate. Compare to the hotel body language, even before she got promoted. And that was meant to be only hours later. So much of Succession happens off screen and the actors reveal that to us through their reactions to what does happen on screen, it would just be really rude to undo all of that? They did such a good job of showing us these two characters engaging in multiple different kinds of MUTUAL intimacy in season 2, albeit non traditional, and that continued to an extent in season 3.

Knowing a very little bit about how this particular type of creative process can go off the rails, I just really hope the loss of dimension to everything some of us have felt in season 3 is due to a combination of covid and them knowing season 4 was coming and needing to pace narratives differently accordingly. So my greatest fear is we lose nuance. That it becomes a soapy joke or retroactively only about business power and being exposed means they’re never alone together again to play those ever shifting character beats we all were fascinated by.

On the other hand if whatever happens sets up so much multidimensional mess between them that they spend all of season 4 being TENSE with each other in a riveting to watch way, okay! I just want a world where they continue to share screen time. (EDITED TO ADD I just read the ‘What if Gerri goes to jail’ speculation and now I’m that meme of the ‘No Fear/1Fear’ t-shirt, ffffffffuck)(Edited again to say okay but if she did though all of the Roys would be screwed because Gerri buried the bodies. So it would be in their interest to keep her out of prison so she doesn’t roll on them?)

[pointlesstrashyexistence]

So I don't see a lot of gender swap fics in the WWDITS fandom, but I’ve found it interesting that the names never seem to change. So I decided to continue this Nandor has forgotten his original name head canon and drag into a genderswap context.

If Nandor was a woman and forgot her first name, I feel like her original name would be Nailah meaning “successful” and after spending so long conquering different parts of Eastern Europe, she probably would've ended up with the name Nella or “light”, which everyone calls her. I feel like Nailah fits with the whole being a conquering warlord since the time they could carry a sword thing and then Nella was probably something that came up from translations and misunderstandings of the name “Nailah” and some long winded explanation of how she glowed as she smiled while conquering and glowed as she burned down the lands she conquered.

Guillermo’s most accurate feminine form would be “Guillermina”, which for fics that involve the de la Cruz family would probably turn into “Mina.” It's not exactly a popular name though, and I think that because of the amount of syllables Guillermina de la Cruz sounds a bit more of a mouthful and a bit clunky. If we were to find something a little shorter that has a similar meaning I think Alejandra “Protector” or “defender of mankind” works. It matches the meaning of Guillermo/Guillermina in “protector” while providing a rather ironic comedic twist in the fact that someone with a name meaning “defender of mankind” is constantly engaging in premeditated murder and luring innocent people towards their death. I think Luisa “warrior” would also be a fun nod to the van Helsing vampire slayer bloodline. I’m not entirely certain of what name I think would work best, but I think something three or four syllables long works and would prefer it have some meaning that goes well with “of the cross” to reference the van Helsing blood and vampire slaying. Extra points if the other de la Cruz members have names like this and she just now realizes all de la Cruz family members are vampire slayers.

For Nadja, I thought Niko or Nikolai would be nice. Nadja means “hope” and she often talks about how her village had been such a wonderful happy beautiful place until Nandor pillaged it, so I feel like the name would reference her and her family’s hope for a better life or that they saw something in Nadja that was unique from her siblings. Niko or Nikolai means “victory/victor” or “the people’s victory/victor” and I feel like it fits as Nadja has always wanted for more power and is very determined in getting something, and to see her moving up in the world despite her upbringing must feel like a victory to her.

I wasn't quite certain how to go about with Laszlo. Laszlo is very staunchly English but his first name is Hungarian and means “glorious ruler”. I figured my best bet were names that showed up in both cultures. I couldn't quite find anything similar to “glorious ruler” although I thought Laura would work as it refers to the laurel plant used to crown victors and rulers in ancient times, and I thought the idea of gender bent Laszlo and Nadja’s names matching each other was rather cute. However, Lara meaning “famous” (Jackie Daytona/all of the pornos Laszlo has done), and “cheerful” (Laszlo often seems like the most wildest and fun seeking of the vampires to me) worked well too.

For Collin Robinson . . . honestly I don't know if I’d change it. I feel like Collin would feast on the anger and frustration of terfs and transphobes and their annoyance and nervousness over the fact that they can't tell if Collin is a very cis looking transmasc or a socially transitioned only transfemme as well as others people nervousness over whether they’re accidentally using the wrong pronouns because Collin won't explain further. However Collin is a Scottish name apparently meaning “victory of the people” and “young one”, which I think is a fun nod to how surprisingly high ranking and famous Collin was as well as the fact that compared to every other vampire he is a baby and is now literally one. The most direct feminine name is Colina or Colleen which is Irish-American and just means “girl” but I feel like some of the fun of Collin is how absurdly boring and uninteresting he is like the fact that his DNA test showed just 100% white with no further explanation, so maybe a name like Jane, Mary, Sue, or Sandy works too. I think Mary-Sue is honestly hilarious.

[makeste]

regarding Best Jeanist, Dabi, and all of that

@kaleswagdragon​ I hope you don’t mind me posting this comment and my response as its own post, seeing as it quickly got out of hand and sort of morphed into a whole entire essay.

anyway, so! you say that it’s a mischaracterization, but it’s really not, though. I mean, props for bringing up the cultural context of Japan, in which the honne-tatemae culture of covering up anything that might lead to any sort of conflict -- even if it means harming an innocent victim in the process -- is a very real issue. so given that, I understand why so many people are interpreting Jeanist’s statement in a “how dare you bring this family shame to light” sort of way. and Caleb’s “dirty laundry” translation doesn’t help, given the “we’re more embarrassed than actually concerned about this” feel of that particular phrase, which he apparently chose just because of the clothing pun without really giving much thought to any other implications.

but in the actual Japanese, the meaning/context is somewhat different. here’s a link to a twitter thread clarifying the original spoiler translation, and breaking down the actual Japanese dialogue.

I think the meaning here is very clearly “you waited until the public’s faith in heroes was already wavering to bring this down on them as a final blow.” if he was simply criticizing Dabi for publicizing the Todoroki family drama, he would have stopped with that first sentence. the two sentences afterward (“you waited until everyone’s faith in heroes was wavering, when the damage would be too great to handle”) make it clear that what he’s actually calling Dabi out for is the way that he basically weaponizes his story into the perfect political tool to finally take down the heroes. which is an observation that we as the readers can verify for ourselves as being true. look at how he so carefully edited the footage of Twice’s death. look at the contrast between the way he acts in the video, compared with the homicidal glee we see from the actual Dabi in real time.

Jeanist is notably the only one who is able to get the same perspective as the readers here, since he’s the only person who’s physically present in Jakku with the real Dabi, but is also able to hear the video being broadcast. meaning that he’s able to hear both video!Dabi’s calm, prerecorded “I’m just a concerned citizen trying to look out for a society being taken advantage of by the ones charged with protecting it” speech, and actual!Dabi’s “hahaha fuck you Endeavor I’m bringing the whole country down even as we speak, well anyway time to kill you all” reality. he alone can see that stark contrast between the concerned whistleblower act Dabi is putting onscreen, versus his true attitude of “I don’t actually give a fuck, I just want to eradicate the heroes and make my dad suffer.” basically, Jeanist is the only one who can see that juxtaposition, and see Dabi’s reveal for what it really is, seeing as Dabi literally spelled it out for Endeavor and the others. and so he’s calling him out on that.

and he’s not wrong to do so. it’s clear that a lot of fans vehemently disagree with this, but being an abuse survivor doesn’t excuse you from having the same obligation as every other human being on the planet to try your best to be a decent person, which at minimum means not going out of your way to hurt other people. I say this as someone who’s experienced abuse, which shouldn’t need to be a disclaimer honestly, but I guess that’s how it is these days. anyways, though, I have, and I know a lot of other people who have as well. it’s a terrible, awful, exceptionally shitty thing to experience, and it affects everyone in different ways. and every single person who goes through something like that deserves help and support and time to heal, and it’s a tragedy and an injustice that Dabi, from what we have seen, never got any of that.

but that doesn’t excuse him from still being held to the same basic standard of “hurting other people is shitty” as everyone else. it doesn’t mean he gets a free pass. it doesn’t mean that anyone who says “hey, Dabi using his trauma as an excuse to murder people is kind of fucked up” is an abuse apologist. and it doesn’t mean Horikoshi is an abuse apologist for writing him that way, for that matter, because guess what? sometimes people who are abused grow up to become abusers. that’s just a fucked-up thing that happens sometimes. and pretending like it doesn’t is ironically not all that different from that whole “sweeping things under the rug” concept you mentioned earlier. it does happen, and I think it’s important to acknowledge that, because acknowledging it is one of the necessary steps to take in fixing it.

this attitude of “if someone was abused they should be absolved of responsibility for their actions” that I’ve seen in some posts is taking the concept of “abuse often has a profound impact on people’s mental health, and that should be taken into consideration before judging them too harshly for behavior that they can’t always necessarily control”, and twisting it into this nice little loophole that people can use to duck accountability whenever it’s convenient. but being abused doesn’t give you the right to abuse other people, is my point. nothing gives somebody the right to do that.

and Dabi is hurting other people. he waited ten years to tell his story specifically because he wanted to use it to make others suffer. and, putting aside the part where he’s trying to engineer the downfall of society as a precursor to the mass destruction he and his pals have planned, he also broadcast the story nationwide without the consent of the other abused parties involved. which I’m not saying he didn’t have the right to do, mind you, because it’s his story as well as theirs, and he has the right to tell it. and the right to make his abuser’s crimes as public as he wants, if that’s what he decides. but it also ignores the question of what his mother and siblings might want, and the fact is that they’re also survivors, and so in theory should have the same right as Dabi to choose their own healing process, and decide exactly how they want their abuser, who like so many abusers is also a close family member, to be held accountable. anyway, but all of that is obviously very, very complicated and I don’t think there’s a clear right or wrong side as far as this part of it all. it’s not a situation where everyone can be happy, which unfortunately is often how it goes.

anyway, I’ve kind of meandered pretty far from my original point now, so my bad. my points are, basically,

(a) I think the linked explanation does show that Jeanist is chiding Dabi for using his trauma in this specifically scheming and destructive way, as opposed to saying “shame on you for not being a good little victim and staying quiet”, which would be a ridiculous thing for Horikoshi, who’s explored the topic of abuse more thoughtfully than any other mangaka I’ve read, to randomly have one of his protagonists say.

and (b) the people calling Dabi out on his shit aren’t all smug victim-blamers who have no sympathy for what he has been through. the latter point (and a lot of this post, actually) isn’t particularly directed at you btw; it’s more of just a general statement brought on by some of the discussion that’s been going on these past few days.

anyways, I actually like that the fandom is talking about all of this! I just think it’s a very complex subject, and an even more complex situation currently in the manga. and ideally, people would try to acknowledge that complexity when discussing it, rather than simply picking a side and doubling down on it no matter what, or shooting down the whole thing as problematic writing just because isn’t a neat and tidy situation where you can simply say “oh, person A is right and person B is wrong, that’s it, end of story.” it’s not, unfortunately. it’s a messy clusterfuck of a topic that’s only going to get messier as this plot continues, so hopefully we can all just sort of brace ourselves for that lol. this is really just the tip of the iceberg, I think.

[how-to-portuguese]

When I see lists of “untranslatable” words, saudade is always on the list. I get that there isn’t a single word in English that has the exact same meaning as saudade, but it is not a terribly difficult concept to understand the concept.

But I never see the word jeito on these lists, and this word drives me absolutely insane because jeito and it’s many derivations (de jeito, com jeito, dar jeito, jeitoso, jeitinho, etc) have SO MANY different meanings in Portuguese.

Granted, the word jeito on its own is pretty straightforward. It has several basic dictionary definitions that aren’t all completely related, but they’re manageable. Jeito can mean way / manner / fashion, skill / ability, manners, or temper.

Then I learned that jeito can also be used as slang for condom. A bit strange, but whatever. That is only the beginning of the nightmare that is jeito.

The various derivations of jeito can be used to say: good / high quality, workaround / hack / improvised solution, elegant / attractive, or convenient / handy / useful.

You can also use jeito in various expressions to talk about someone’s clumsiness, doing/saying something tactfully, being awkward or feeling awkward, to twist something, to be hopeless, to tidy up, or to treat something or someone with care. It can also be used to mean anyhow or anyway and even “no way!”.

I don’t think I’ve encountered another Portuguese word that causes me anywhere near the number of headaches that jeito does. You can encounter it in so many contexts, and at least 76% of the time there is no clear way of understanding the precise meaning except asking a native speaker.

So what is the translation of jeito? A better question is: what isn’t a translation of jeito?

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers DARK FATE ー Ayato Ecstasy [Prologue]

ー The scene starts in the guest room at Banmaden

Cordelia: ...

Yui: ( I am so glad she only suffered minor injuries... )

( Vampires really are sturdy. I was worried since I could only do first aid, but I’m pretty sure it’ll suffice... )

Cordelia: ...Karl...

Yui: ( She really must love him deeply to call out his name in her sleep... )

( Karlheinz... )

( I wonder what he is like? )

...

ー The scene shifts to the outer area of Banmaden

Ayato: ...Haah...Fuck...

( Why is she so worried about that woman? )

( Why...? )

( ...Why am I feeling this complicated as well...? )

...Lame...

ー Ayato steps away as the scene shifts back to the guest room

Cordelia: ...Nn...

Yui: ( Ah... )

Cordelia: ...Aah...

Yui: ...Um...How do you feel?

Cordelia: ...Oh...I’m not dead yet, am I...?

Yui: ...You were lucky to survive, so please don’t say that.

Cordelia: ...You...

...Hmph. There is no point in living in a world where Karl isn’t by my side...

Ayato is a fool as well...I’m sure he held back somewhat. That is why he is a failure.

Yui: ...

Cordelia: But...You are the biggest fool out of everyone. You had the perfect opportunity to get rid of me, yet you decided to be a miss goody-two shoes and treat my wounds? Do you have a few screws loose.

Yui: When you put it like that, perhaps my efforts have been in vain but...

I did not want you to disappear.

Because I can relate to you...and your strong feelings for someone else.

Cordelia: ...

...Hmph. This is exactly why I dislike having to deal with ignorant little girls who have yet to find out how this world works. Your naivety makes me sick.

Your own feelings are disgusting. Could you not group them together with mine?

My love is...My love for Karlheinz...is more beautiful than anything else in this world.

Yui: ( To think she feels for him so strongly... )

...Um...What kind of man is Karlheinz-san exactly?

Cordelia: ...Excuse me? Are you trying to compete with me?

Yui: I-I’m not!

It’s just...I’m just curious what the person you love so strongly is like.

Cordelia: Hmph...

Yui: ( I guess she won’t tell me after all... )

Cordelia: ...

...Karl is...

Yui: ...!

Cordelia: ...He genuinely was kind to me always.

He treated me quite well after our marriage. He would listen to every single one of my selfish requests.

Nfu~ I am not a fool either. I had a faint suspicion that he might have some sort of ulterior motive...

...But...

I was happy...I felt blessed just by being together with him.

Once he flashes his smile, not a single woman can escape his grasp...

Yet, on the bed, he would only talk to me...It felt like a dream.

Every time he did, I could feel my love for him grow stronger.

At some point...I began to desire his everything.

So much so that I wanted to be the one to eventually end his life, since you only get to experience death once...!

I doubt you can understand that? The feeling of loving someone to dead...

Yui: ...

Cordelia: My cruel behavior towards Ayato and his brothers was all done out of spite towards him as well.

Seeing the children of the woman you love get treated in such a way should at least do something to you, no?

I could care less about words like ‘I like you’ or ‘I love you’. 

There was only one thing I wanted. ーー His heart. (1)

I wanted his heart to overflow from emotions for me, burning with love to the point of madness.

...But...Right now, I have not achieved anything. I...

Yui: ( Cordelia... )

Cordelia: ...Uu.

Yui: ( She truly did love Karlheinz...This strongly. )

( As for him...I wonder how he felt? )

( Did he...not love her back? )

( If he could not love her, then why didn’t he just genuinely tell her so? )

( Cordelia described him as ‘kind’, but I... )

...

*Thud*

Yui: ...I-Is someone there...?

( ...Am I hearing things...? )

...

ー The scene shifts to the entrance hall

Ayato: Haah, haah, haah...

( ...What was that just now...? )

( Why was she crying like that...!? )

( You’re supposed to be a thoroughly despicable wench beyond saving, no!? )

( Yet right now, that same woman is... )

...

( ...The Old Man... )

( Does he know everything? )

( Nothing is a mystery to him. )

( Right, he knew...Yet he never gave her what she truly wanted... )

( He simply put a sweet smile on his face, continuing to keep her by his side. )

( In that case... )

( In that case, the root of all evil isーー )

Monologue

Everything Cordelia has done up till now.

I wonder how many people have been hurt,

or twisted by her behavior?

Said reality cannot be altered.

However. 

I have found out,

about Cordelia’s feelings

towards Karlheinz-san.

So...

I could no longer bring myself to resent her.

I wonder if that means,

I am betraying Ayato-kun

in one way or another?

No, I’m not.

I love Ayato-kun,

so very much.

However, I wonder how I should convey,

these complicated feelings to him...?

Yui: ( Where did Ayato-kun go...? )

( Ah, there he is...! )

( But...What should I say to him? )

...

Ayato: ...Nn...?

Oi, Chichinashi! What are you doing standin’ ‘round over there?

Yui: Ah...!

ー Ayato approaches her

Ayato: Hm? What’s wrong?

Yui: W-Well...

( I wonder what happened to him? He looks as if he got a breakthrough or something... )

Ayato: Cat got your tongue or something?

Well, there’s something I have to tell you, so you appeared just on time.

Yui: Tell me...?

Ayato: Exactly!

It’s ‘bout that shitty hag.

Yui: ...

Ayato: How should I put this...I feel like it’s gonna be kinda odd comin’ from me ...or rather I’m in no position to say this...

But...You know...

Thanks for treatin’ her injuries.

Yui: Ayato-kun...!

Ayato: Let me tell you just in case! I haven’t forgiven that old hag for everythin’ she did!

However...I can’t put it into words very well, but I came to a lot of realizations myself.

...I’m sure she must have had it rough as well.

Yui: ...Yeah...

( He hasn’t forgiven Cordelia. He can’t forgive her. Yet... )

( I can tell that he is trying his best to face her. )

( Rather than keeping it all to myself, I should have put more faith in Ayato-kun and talked to him on how I felt about the situation. )

( I’m sorry, Ayato-kun. And also... )

ーー I love you.

Ayato: A-Aah!? The fuck are you sayin’ all of a sudden...!?

Yui: I felt as if I just had to tell you that right now.

Ayato: H-Hm...Well, it’s not like I didn’t know already that you’re head over heels for me!

Yui: Yeah. But, I grew to love you even more. I really do love you, Ayato-kun.

Ayato: ...

ー He suddenly bites her

Ayato: S-Shut up! Nn...!

Yui: Ah...

Ayato: ...Haah...Nn...

Yui: ...Nn...

Ayato: ...Hah...Nn...Phew...

Hehe, what’s wrong, Chichinashi? Look at that ecstatic expression on your face. How does it feel, huh?

Yui: That’s...Well...

...It feels good.

Ayato: Wha...!?

T-The fuck has gotten into you!? What are you sayin’...!?

Yui: I-I mean...It’s you who’s biting me after all...! So...

( T-The words just slipped out of my mouth, how embarrassing...! )

Ayato: You idiot! You’re too damn cute...Nn...

Yui: Ah...

Ayato: ...Nn...Haah...Nn...Phew...

Yui: ( Ayato-kun... )

( I really...do love you... )

ー The scene shifts to the balcony

Shin: Haahー... Look at them getting it on in plain sight...Don’t they realize we’d rather not have to see that...

Carla: ...

Shin: Say, Nii-san? Why are we letting them do as they please? I’ve reached my limit. 

At this rate, they’re only going to deepen their bond and head straight towards their happy end, no?

Carla: ーー That is fine.

Shin: Eh...?

Carla: Everything is progressing smoothly. All that is left is...

ー Carla steps away

Shin: Ah...Nii-san!

ー Shin chases after him

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) 心 or ‘kokoro’ is a very difficult term to translate in Japanese because it can mean a lot of different things from ‘heart’ to ‘soul’, ‘mind’ and even ‘feelings’. In this context, I think Cordelia just wanted Karlheinz to show her any other emotion than his usual ‘gentle smile’ which charms all of the ladies. 

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

<- [ Maniac Epilogue ] [ Ecstasy 01 ] ->

[vizowrites]

My BlitzStrike Twins: Headcanons and Shenanigans~ [probably with a bit of my M&M kids thrown in just for fun]

So today I got a couple of fantastic asks about Blitz and Striker as parents, and since there seemed to be a pretty positive response to them--and because @helluva-simp​ is amazing and encouraged me to be brave enough to write this up--I thought I’d go ahead and make a full post of my headcanons for these two little devils.  I really do love the hell out of them and hope you guys enjoy hearing about them too!!  <3 <3

Twist’s and Ty’s full names are Twister and Typhoon but literally nobody calls them by their full names ever so they like to make the joke of “the ‘-er’ and the ‘-phoon’ are silent”

Ty is actually the older of the two [though not by much] but everyone thinks that Twist is because his name is always called first.  It’s always “Twist and Ty” [or just collectively “Twist-Ty”] instead of “Ty and Twist”.  Ty honestly doesn’t mind that much as far as following after his brother goes, just don’t make the mistake of trying to label him as the younger of the two.  There are a lot of things Ty’s perfectly content to let Twist take the lead in, but having the title of “the older twin” is just going too far.

Twist and Ty are mirror twins, meaning that they’re mostly identical except for a few key things: 1. Twist is left handed and Ty is right handed, 2. they both have heterochromia but Twist’s eyes are Left: Red | Right: Green-Gold whereas Ty’s eyes are Left: Green-Gold | Right: Red, 3. Twist has a birthmark on his right hand and Ty has his birthmark on his left hand--and yes when you put the two marks together, they form a design not unlike the heart shaped one on Blitz’s forehead :) 

Both of the twins are incredibly agile, but Twist is faster and Ty is more flexible

Striker affectionately calls Twist “Whirlwind” because of said fastness

Blitz affectionately calls Ty “Noodle” because of said flexibility

.....Though it should be noted that it’s not all fun and games because Twist is CONSTANTLY crashing into things or tripping over his own two feet from going too fast, and Ty is so flexible that he’s able to contort himself into positions that honestly make both of his parents throw up a little in their mouths with the split-second panic of “OH GOD OUR BABY WAS BORN WITHOUT BONES!!”  DX DX  They’re both usually just fine tho!!  :D

As noted in an earlier post--but I want to say it here too--Twist’s first word was “Bang!” and Ty’s first word was “Fuck!”  Twist was the first one to talk, though, and it made Striker and Blitz second guess the context of his first word by the time Ty said his. XD

Another thing that was noted in another post but I want to put it here too is that Twist and Ty have incredibly high self esteem and both Striker and Blitz wouldn’t have it any other way

Twist is dyslexic and so gets easily frustrated when he has to read a book, but he love love LOVES the hell out of stories.....and so Ty is almost constantly making up random stories to tell him

This actually also works out well in Ty’s favor because Ty’s attention span is about as short as Blitz’s patience and he has a lot more fun telling stories than he does sitting still long enough to read the ones that other people made up unless it’s a book about something he’s reeeeeeally interested in

It’s also made Ty hella good at bullshitting on the fly, which I think most of the older/adult members of his family wish he was a lot less convincing at

Twist knows how to lie and is a natural at acting, but his flair for the over-dramatics tends to give him a way a lot easier than his twin

They both have what I’m calling a “hierarchy of obedience” within their family which really translates into a range of “eh I can think about maybe listening to this person sometimes” to “oh SHIT I need to listen to this person 5 fucking minutes ago”.  For Twist, his hierarchy of obedience is: Millie --> Blitz --> Striker --> Loona --> Moxxie.  For Ty, his hierarchy of obedience is: Loona --> Millie --> Blitz --> Striker.....and Moxxie doesn’t even make the list for him because honestly I’m pretty sure Ty just naturally tunes him out most of the time and not even fully on purpose.  As he puts it: “You just have one of those voices”. XD

Ty can sleep literally anywhere and on anything.  I’m pretty sure there have been mornings where Blitz and Striker have to play the game of 'Where the hell is my kid??' because they THOUGHT that he went to sleep in his bed like their other child did but NOPE they go into their room in the morning to get them out of bed and are just like, “.....Twist where the hell is your brother??” and Twist just gives an innocent shrug and says, “I don’t know--probably on the roof or something.” u3u and goes out into the kitchen to make himself breakfast--and then two seconds later Blitz and Striker hear him calling out “NEVER MIND!  HE’S IN THE OVEN!!” and that starts off a whole new kind of panic because they know damn well that Twist’s favorite thing to have for breakfast is cinnamon rolls XD

Twist’s laughter is infectious--this really cute witch-like cackling that just bubbles out of him in the most adorably genuine way when he’s that delighted about someting

Ty does this adorable thing where--when he sticks his tongue out at someone--he flicks it in a very snake-like fashion and even gives the tiniest of hisses in lieu of a raspberry when he does it

Ty also manages to twist himself into the most uncomfortable-looking positions when he sleeps but rest assured, he’s never been more comfy

Twist’s tail never stays still.  It is constaintly flicking to and fro, back and forth, swishing and swirling like a cat’s tail, and he loves flicking it in front of people’s faces to get their attention

Twist in general doesn’t really stay still very often but the one time he did was when Ty broke his arm--and then he spent almost every moment of the day and night plastered to his side because he knew it was driving Ty crazy not being as mobile as he usually is while having to wear a cast

The twins really don’t ever go that far apart from each other.  If you look and only see the one, you can rest assured that the other one is around somewhere nearby and it’s probably not a good sign for you if you can only see the one.

Ty is much more of a biter when it comes to self-defense and Twist always goes straight to using his claws

Twist is the outwardly more protective twin and is vicious with his words when defending his brother.  He will force every last ounce of moisture out of your body from how hard he makes you cry.

Ty, on the other hand, will fuck you up hard physically if you try to hurt his twin--and Lucifer himself would not be able to save you if you actually do hurt his twin

As they get older, and their sexualities and gender develop and grow, Twist would discover that he’s a nonbinary he/they homosexual panromantic and Ty would discover that he’s a genderfluid he/she pansexual homoromantic

The above being said, both Twist and Ty wholeheartedly say “fuck you and your gender norms” from a very young age and well into their teenage and adult years, with Twist enjoying painting his nails and Ty carrying all of his stuff around in a purse--and they both have a preference for wearing high heeled shoes [Ty because he just likes being tall in general and Twist because he likes being specifically taller than his parents because it drives them crazy XD]

Twist and Ty’s best friend is “Missi” [Moxxie and Millie’s eldest daughter, Missile] and she’s honestly an absolute hero for putting up with as many of their shenanigans as she does

Whenever they go out on family outings, Twist is that kid who just NEVER wants to leave--and so Blitz usually, after spending ten minutes of trying to get him in the damn van and Striker even using his Dad Tone (TM) and that not working, will just be like, “Alright kiddo, I tried playing nice.  You asked for this.”  And he puts his fingers to his mouth and whistles with a, “Loona Sweetie?  Fetch.” >3 And Loona gets the BIGGEST grin on her face and Twist gets the biggest “oh shit I’m so fucking screwed” look on his face and Ty--who’s honestly probably very awkwardly coiled up in Striker’s arms because after a long day of family fun he’s tired af and decided that he doesn’t want to use his limbs anymore--just kind of looks over at his twin and says, “I believe in you, but also maybe try to run faster than last time” u3u

I think that they would both love their Auntie Barbie a lot and she would have soooooooo much fun teaching them different circus tricks--especially how to yeet each other back and forth on the trapeze XD

I also think that their Auntie Barbie would really love just how close they are.....and probably inspire her to make up for lost time in her relationship with her own twin too

For some reason I can’t shake the thought of the twins being great at acapella and I have no idea why but I’m also ttly here for it XD

In school, I feel like Twist’s favorite class would be Art [he loves to paint and happily makes all kinds of messes with his “expressing creativity”] and Ty’s favorite class would be P.E./Gym [because he loves testing the limits of his physical body]

Family game nights are always fun in their household because usually what happens is Twist and Ty team up against Blitz and Striker, and while they’re in the middle of duking it out, Loona ends up getting a monopoly on every street and is just like, “Pay up fuckers.” u3u

Moxxie and Millie both love and hate babysitting for the twins because on the one hand, they love them to pieces and love seeing how well they get along with their three kids, but on the other hand.....the twins keep finding Millie’s strap on and putting it on their middle child [Mark]’s head and calling him a “cockicorn” XD

Ty’s favorite food is ramen noodles and Twist spent three weeks [and probably set their kitchen on fire at least twice] learning how to make them with JUST the right flavor profile that he knows his brother likes the best

While I think both of the twins know that they can talk to their dads about anything, I think that they still keep their most personal thoughts reserved only to themselves and each other

Twist’s favorite type of weaponry tends to be more of the flashy ‘sharp and pointy’ kind whereas Ty’s favorite type of weaponry tends to be more of the aggressive ‘point and shoot’ kind.  However I honestly kind of think that in terms of what they’d use themselves in the field, Twist’s primary weapon of choice would be a whip [though he would definitely have some throwing knives and handheld revolvers in his back pocket too] and Ty’s primary weapon of choice is honestly poisons.  Assume that everything this kid has that he throws at you--be it a knife or a bullet or even a fucking cannonball--is poisoned somehow.

They both definitely play wrestle like Blitz and Barbie did as kids.....and just like Blitz and Barbie, they also get their horns tangled together more than once and need to have someone come rescue them.  There’s almost always a photo taken that gets posted to Voxtigram first tho. XD  

There are plenty more headcanons where this came from but I feel like this is already waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too fucking long so I’m going to go ahead and stop here for tonight!!  If you guys are interested in hearing more about these two, please please please feel free to let me know and I’d be happy to write up a Part 2 to this, or just overall write up a quick little oneshot with them in it, or if you want to send me specific questions about them that I can answer, feel free to do so!!  Thanks so much again and I hope you guys have as much fun reading these as I did writing them up!! <3 <3

[moonbeamsung]

Serendipitous Synergy

“I can’t believe I got stuck with you, of all people, as a dance partner.”

“What? Scared I’ll steal the spotlight?”

“In your dreams, Lee.”

member: haechan

au: dance partner and rival!haechan x gn!reader

word count: 4.9k

genre: angst, suggestive, fluff

warnings: talk of insecurities and thoughts of self-doubt, a house party, stubborn reader, smug haechan, mentions of ‘sexual tension’ in the context of a dance, kissing, slight innuendos

author’s note: As a dancer myself, this idea came to me after we learned the choreography for Thriller in class one day! And yes I know Halloween was weeks ago but shhh. It’s my first time writing an enemies to lovers au, so I would greatly appreciate any feedback about things I can improve on in the future. Without further ado, I hope you enjoy!

network tags: @neo-constellations

“...You’ll be partnered with Haechan.”

The words of your instructor seem to swallow up the dance studio you’re standing in, echoing off of the walls with a piercing sound that makes your ears ache, your gut twist, and your blood boil.

This could not be happening.

Said boy seems just as averse to the idea as you are, the corners of his mouth downturned in displeasure.

Your teacher, however, continues to rattle off the rest of the pairs, some of them a little surprising but none nearly as unexpected as the two of you being put together.

Eyes narrowed and gazes sharp as daggers, both you and Haechan turn to stare each other down.

The standoff makes everyone else in the studio uneasy, and though the other dancers aren’t unaccustomed to your endless rivalry, they fear the potential hostility of your reactions. But to their astonishment, it never escalates beyond these stinging glares directed at one another. You’re surprisingly professional about it on the outside, not letting a single swear word slip out from between your lips, while he bites back a snarky insult.

On the inside, though, you’re a mess.

Haechan has been somewhat of an enemy of yours for as long as you can remember, though by no fault of his own. No matter what you did or how hard you tried, ever since you were both young students struggling to find your footing in the artistic world, he’s always been better than you. At everything.

If you managed to nail a double pirouette, he’d step right up and do a third like it was nothing. You finally got your split? He’s already had it for a month, at least. It just wasn’t fair. You both had started dancing at the same age, at the same time, with the same amount of experience: zero.

In all honesty, Haechan had done nothing wrong. The combination of poor timing and better luck had worked against him all those years ago to brew these bitter feelings inside of your heart, rising to the surface whenever you would set foot inside the familiar studio.

These constant sentiments of inferiority took their toll on you, making you fear being compared to him above anything else. It was childish, but you couldn’t stand to be reminded of feeling completely and utterly incompetent next to him. Whenever you performed, you were grateful for the large amount of other dancers occupying the stage, leaving little opportunity for the two of you to be noticed in conjunction with one another.

Now that it’s going to be just the two of you under the bright beams of light cascading down from the rafters, dancing in close proximity, this worry is at the forefront of your mind.

You would do anything to be able to go back to your first year at the studio, when you were young enough to recognize that his skills seemed to outweigh yours, but as a carefree child you remained largely unbothered by this fact. As you got older, it was like a switch inside of you flipped and made you extra aware of each and every thing that you did. Perhaps it was the heightened self-consciousness that puberty brought combined with the already stressful lifestyle of a dancer, but something changed one day, and it was all you could think about when you saw him.

Your internal doubts always translated into being eerily quiet during practice, asking a question to clarify the movements only when it was absolutely necessary. Even your teacher noticed a shift in how you danced. Your gestures and steps lacked their usual precision, and all the confidence you had built up for so long vanished into thin air.

Not sure how to interpret your sudden silence, Haechan took it upon himself to get a word out of you in whatever way that he could, with comments and jokes and even the occasional compliment on your technique. It hardly helped, though. In fact, your constant failure to respond to his attempts created a sort of resentment in him as well, one not generated by envy or insecurity, but simply by confusion and frustration.

During practice one afternoon, you had become so fed up with him trying to talk to you that you lashed out, pushing him away with surprising strength. “Just leave me alone!” You had shouted at Haechan, but you instantly regretted it when you saw the way his eyes welled up with shiny tears, full of hurt after his genuinely good intentions had been totally rejected by their unwilling recipient. Your guilt, however, failed to overpower your stubbornness.

This sent Haechan into his own spiral of the silent treatment before he started to channel his feelings into a similar bitterness. From that day forth, you each became the other’s arch-enemy, challenging one another in any way that you possibly could inside the studio and on the stage. Your instructor, choreographers, and fellow students quickly became tired of the implicit competition that always existed between you, but what on earth could they do to stop it?

At the present moment, they’re contemplating this exact idea, along with just why your teacher thought pairing you with each other would be a good idea. She had done it with the intention of putting a long overdue partnership into action and hopefully eliminating your immature rivalry. Selfishly, she’s also very eager to see how your mutual contempt translates into movement, inwardly predicting that the tension levels will be off the charts.

Not long after, you’re dismissed from practice for the day, but not without a warning look from Haechan. Against your better judgment, you join him by the doorway once everyone else has filed out of the studio.

He clearly called you over for a reason, but you cut him off without even waiting for him to speak.

“I can’t believe I got stuck with you, of all people, as a dance partner.”

Oh, so this is how you’re acting? Two can play at that game.

“What?” He snickers, “Scared I’ll steal the spotlight?”

“In your dreams, Lee,” you scoff, already tired of his taunting attitude.

“Anyway,” his voice is stern before doing a complete 180, now a bit more gentle, “If we’re going to be dancing together for the next few weeks, we might as well be on speaking terms, don’t you think?” The expression Haechan wears on his face is the softest you’ve seen it in a long time, which is definitely saying something.

“I suppose.” Answer short and tone abrasive, you huff a lousy excuse for a goodbye before marching out and into the hallway, but he’s faster than you. You spin around to shrug off his hand from your shoulder, and it gives him the chance to tell you one last thing.

“Look, if you’re going to be like that, it’s not going to make working together any easier. We’re not little kids anymore. You can go back to hating me once this is all over, but can we at least try to put our differences aside and just cooperate for once?”

You nearly split your lip as you bite down on it, holding back a burst of aggravation at the situation you’ve been put in. “Fine.”

You have no idea how you’re going to get through all the practices and all the shows while simultaneously dealing with the boy, but one thing’s for sure: you’re going to prove that you are just as skilled, and just as talented a dancer as he is.

The next time you see him is two days later, at your first rehearsal for this dance. Your studio has always had a Halloween-themed showcase, but it wasn’t until this year that you were old enough to finally be cast in a more exclusive number. The fact that you’re no longer a part of the large group routine, always performed to the same upbeat tune and with the same easy steps, is one of the few silver linings that your duet with Haechan presents.

Faces lined with fatigue and eyes still heavy with sleep, you both arrive at the studio in the morning, duffel bags in hand, the comfy slides on your feet dragging across the hallway carpet with every step. Loud music blares from inside the room, brightly lit despite the early hour. Beside you, Haechan instantly recognizes the tune to be Michael Jackson’s Thriller, and perks up a little at the sound. Too tired to poke fun at his near obsession with the singer, you let his little celebration of the choreographer’s song choice slide.

It’s not your usual instructor that’s going to be teaching you the movements to go along with the piece, which means you have the added challenge of adapting to a different set of preferences, expectations, and choreographing style.

It’s certainly a dance that’s unlike any you’ve ever learned before.

The rehearsal starts off well, and both of you quickly catch on to the basic steps that are somewhat like those of a waltz, except they have a more sinister feel to them in order to match the spooky time of year. Facing each other but standing on opposite sides of the room, you step forward, to the side, to the back and then to the side again. On each accented beat you throw your heads back sharply, mimicking the way the neck of an inhuman creature might snap under any sort of force.

In the next section of choreography, your gazes are supposed to meet once you tilt your heads downward, slowly this time, but it’s difficult to maintain eye contact with Haechan for more than a few seconds. Maybe it’s the way he doesn’t even hesitate to stalk towards you in this part of the dance, which calls for you to circle each other like a hungry predator and its timid prey. Maybe it’s the animalistic glint in his irises that throws off your balance and makes you stumble when you see it. Or maybe it’s the fact that your rivalry with him has been entirely disregarded at the moment, brain focused solely on absorbing all of the new information and ingraining the movements into your muscle memory, nothing else.

What frightens you even more than the things that go bump in the night is that all those years you spent... well, not hating, but strongly disliking him could go to waste. It usually takes a lot of time for you to get over things like this, and in a way, you feel like you would be disappointing yourself if you let all of the agonizing feelings of self-doubt go, just like that.

These thoughts swirl around in your mind as you listen to the choreographer’s next words.

“Okay, put your hand here.”

“Like this?”

“Yes, now you’re going to drag it across him, from there to there,” she directs you with a finger, “And then he’s going to pick you up in a scissor lift.”

You’ve never done one of those before, but with some helpful guidance, you begin to have a small bit of faith in yourself that you’re capable of pulling it off. The music starts and you go from the top all the way to the part you were just taught, taking a deep breath in preparation for what’s about to happen.

Just like you had been instructed moments ago, you step very close to Haechan, right behind him, actually, and place one hand on his shoulder as you trail the other across the front of his chest, fingernails scratching the skin underneath through the flimsy t-shirt he’s wearing. You step around to stand in front of him and continue the motion, peering at him with a hesitance that melts away and into an assertive gaze once you see the apprehension in his own eyes. His skin crawls a little, not out of fear but an odd satisfaction and excitement at the feeling of you so near and the sight of your eyes bright with so much determination and dominance, lingering touch tracing the base of his neck and stimulating his nerves from head to toe.

You yelp slightly at what he does next even though you knew it was coming, your self-assured exterior evaporating only moments after it appeared. Haechan turns around and sweeps you off of your feet to hold you in his arms. In the blink of an eye, he helps you hook one of your knees behind his head as he tosses you into the air with seemingly no effort whatsoever, flipping you around to face the other way and catching you immediately after. The complicated lift makes your heart leap to the front of your throat with exhilaration, and you mentally applaud yourself for succeeding on the first try.

Haechan finds it odd that you were so willing to do this lift in the first place, since trust is a key component of partner work in dance. He can’t explain it, and neither can you, quite honestly. A small part of him, however, is glad you didn’t object to the prospect of him being directly responsible for your safety for even the most instantaneous of moments.

“Alright, so for this next part, I’m sure you’re aware of that fact that Michael Jackson was famous for his pelvic—”

Okay, that’s enough, you’ve heard enough. Tuning out the conversation and whirling around to face away from the floor-to-ceiling mirror, you twiddle your thumbs while the choreographer teaches Haechan one of the iconic dance steps in Thriller, and your evident shyness at her unabashed explanation makes him smirk. Thankfully, she has a different set of movements prepared for you.

Since when are you ever shy around him, though?

You still can’t bring yourself to watch your reflections in the glass when you practice the new part together, since he gets so into the provocative motions. His eyes seem to taunt you with the smugness they hold, and you hate the way he’s testing you. You can’t stand it, you can’t stand him, you can’t stand those eyes for all the times they send a shiver down your spine, for all the times they come alive with a beast-like glow. Those eyes can go from soft and sympathetic at times, although the moments are rare, to something else entirely. His mocking stares make your stomach turn, reminding you of why you’ve felt this way about him for so long.

But you’re scared that a new and different feeling is developing inside of you, one that’s telling you he’s not so bad, that you should give him a chance. Haechan has noticed a similar one within himself, and he begins to regret the way he immaturely perpetuated your own resentment for so long.

Even if you do end up making amends eventually, he’s not sure he’ll be willing to abandon all of the playful glances and teasing remarks with flirtatious undertones he sends your way. Do you even notice these things? If your periodic blushing is any indication, then the answer is most definitely yes.

You spend another couple of hours under the choreographer’s direction, stopping only when you had been taught each and every step from the piece’s beginning until the end. Though a Halloween-inspired performance, there’s a surprisingly large amount of eerily romantic undertones within it. You don’t have enough fingers to count the number of times you ultimately caress some part of the other’s body in a forbidding manner, with locked eyes and threatening, fiery glares.

The two of you also have a second but more simple lift, in which you jump and Haechan catches you by the legs to pull your torso against his, while you cling to him tightly like a koala. He supports your weight fully, and never once does the possibility of falling cross your mind. It’s strange how your body is so trusting of him, much more so than your mind.

Towards the end of the song, the lyrics mention something about cuddling close together, the timing of your movements intentionally mirroring the words. Haechan walks in a circle, still carrying you in his arms, and unlike when you’re standing on your own two feet, he actually has to look up slightly to meet your gaze with his own. Something doesn’t feel quite right, though, both of you sensing that you should be putting more effort into the eye contact between you right now.

“No, no, no! Stop for a second.” Your choreographer looks frustrated.

“You have to look at each other like you really mean it,” she corrects. “Just imagine that you’re two lovers on Halloween night, clinging to each other for dear life as you’re being surrounded by every kind of monster imaginable.” Even Haechan flushes a deep red at the descriptive picture she paints in your minds, hoping to inspire you. “Try again, please.”

Putting every necessary emotion into your expressions, you both stare each other down as he lifts you up again, this time with a never-before-seen passion burning in your eyes that could only be described as crazed, lustful desire.

Haechan has always admired your skills, although internally these days, ever since he met you, especially your ability to easily adapt to the message or tone of a piece. Happiness, sadness, anger, whatever your instructor asked of you, you could embody the exact feeling on your face, not to mention in the way that you moved to the beat. Out of all of the scenarios your choreographer could have illustrated, this one is something he never would have expected you to be so ready for. He’s taken aback by how smoothly your facial expression transitions from sheepish to seductive in no time flat.

You wish you could say that you’re not flustered by how well he matches the look in your eyes with his own tantalizing gaze, but alas, that’s not the case.

It’s undoubtedly a dance with a more mature theme than either of you are used to, but you’re both such naturals at it that she compliments you once Haechan sets you back on the ground.

“That’s exactly what I want to see! Keep it up, you two. Are you sure you’ve never been in a piece with any sexual tension before?”

You’re glad you hadn’t quite taken a sip from your water bottle yet, because you definitely would’ve spit it out from pure shock and embarrassment at the bluntness of her remark. Haechan was not so lucky.

The two of you run through the dance almost endlessly, and by the end of your rehearsal your legs are threatening to give out at any moment. “Last time,” she alerts you, “And then you’re done for the day.”

A chorus of some minor corrections but mostly proud affirmations meets your ears as you practice the piece for the final time. “Other foot, Haechan... Strong arms! Good... And lift! That’s it...”

About to collapse from exhaustion and grimacing at the disgusting feeling of sweat on every inch of your skin, both of you thank the choreographer once she dismisses you.

“You two did a great job today, now go home and rest. You worked hard.”

Fishing your car keys out of your bag, you hear her packing up her things inside the studio before she exits the room and strides into the hallway, flipping the light switch and shutting the door behind her. “I’m going to recommend to your teacher that she should partner you up more often. I was really surprised by how well you collaborated.” She chuckles a little, “And to think she told me that you might not get along.”

Exchanging questioning looks, you both nod and smile at her before she makes her way down the hallway, leaving the building through the staff door.

“What was that all about?”

“No idea,” you reply to Haechan with nervousness in your voice, not sure if this is the right time to apologize for several years’ worth of constantly being at each other’s throats.

The moment passes before you can make a decision, and Haechan bids you farewell with a “See you around” over his shoulder. You can’t get the choreographer’s comment out of your mind as you drive home.

But she’s right: your chemistry with each other is unbelievable. Each time you practice this dance in front of them, the rest of your friends stand wide-eyed and open-mouthed at how you move in perfect unison, leaping and turning and touching at all the right moments. Your instructor is sure her jaw is on the floor. Sure, she was expecting something powerful, something fierce, but nothing like this.

The weeks leading up to the Halloween showcase are hectic, as they always are, filled with the rush of adrenaline and last-minute preparations being made, ensuring that everything would be ready for those long nights spent on waiting behind the curtains, moving amidst the stage fog, and dancing below the bright spotlights.

You think you’ve spoken to Haechan more in the past 4 days than you have in the past 4 years. He doesn’t know if it’s just his imagination, but it seems like you’ve gotten more comfortable performing with him as time has gone by. Maybe he should be paying more attention to the steps instead of the way you lean further into him as he clutches your form in his strong arms, torsos pressing into one another and the crevices of your bodies aligning with ease. Maybe he shouldn’t get distracted by the closeness of your lips to his forehead, by the distance that always seems to decrease each time you run through the dance. One day he’s sure he’ll feel their delicate curve against his skin, or maybe they’ll slip down a little to be more level with his. Either way, Haechan isn’t complaining.

The rehearsals that spill over from their scheduled time slots into the late hours of the night leave everyone in the show drowsy after the intense quantities of repeated exertion, running piece after piece over and over again until just standing up is a feat within itself.

And then, all of a sudden, it’s the day of the first show. Costumes have been tailored, makeup has been applied and hair has been done up with an ungodly amount of products and pins.

It can’t be much longer until it’s your turn to perform, so you’re not sure why you find yourself grabbing Haechan by the sleeve of his intentionally tattered shirt, meant to look like that of a zombie, and pulling him into a dark, secluded corner of the backstage area.

“We’re on in 5, what are y—”

“Can I apologize?”

He blinks a few times, processing the word he never thought he would hear leave your lips.

“For... huh?”

“Everything.” You’re thankful that the lighting is minimal back here, concealing the glistening water drops that are beginning to gather at the rims of your eyes.

Voice nearly breaking, you can’t articulate why it feels like the right time to say all of this. But here you are.

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for so many years of unexplained anger and outbursts towards you, I’m sorry that I’ve been acting so immature even after all this time. I’m sorry for blaming you and making excuses to justify my actions and my feelings, I—”

You have more that you want to say but the words are no longer coming out, and maybe it’s because your throat feels like it’s burning from all of the emotion it just conveyed in the span of just a few seconds. Maybe it’s because you’ve somehow lost your voice even though you hadn’t been speaking above a whisper. But the most probable cause of them all, is this: maybe it’s because you’ve been rendered speechless by Haechan’s own apology that he delivers by messily crashing his mouth into yours, any further thoughts melting away against his soft lips.

For once, you don’t mind being cut off by him if it’s like this.

His heart begins to sink when you pull away after only a few seconds, but a small smile graces his features once again as you lean in so that your lips hover next to his ear.

“You better not mess up my makeup, Lee Haechan.”

“Donghyuck, actually.”

“What?” Quizzically, you arch an eyebrow.

“My name. My real name.”

“So why do y—”

“Shh, no time. Kiss now, talk later.”

You can’t argue with that. Not when he’s beholding you with a long-awaited forgiveness and a fondness long-concealed in his eyes. Not when the thrill of a time limit has your brains going a mile a minute, an electric buzz erupting over the expanse of your skin his hands are grasping.

You kiss him like it’s the only thing in the whole world that you know how to do. The setting is far from picturesque, with the tangled technical wires littering the floor at your feet and leftover stage equipment haphazardly leaning against the wall, but neither of you really care. Taking care not to snag the fabric of your costume, his fingers find purchase on your waist and his lips on the dip of your collarbone. At first they dotingly imprint fleeting pecks onto the rise and fall of the skin there, but when their pressure and his haste starts to escalate, you know you have to stop him before he starts something you can’t finish.

“Hyuck!” The abbreviation of his name makes his head snap up, bewildered but pleased.

“You can’t leave marks, I told you...” you trail off. “Hey, why are you smiling like that?”

“Please never call me anything else, ever.”

Donghyuck brings you in for one more kiss, well aware that a stagehand could turn the corner at any given moment. Drinking you in, he captures your lips between his, letting your body press his back into the wall behind him, and a few sharp inhales later, you break apart.

You fix his hair while he adjusts your clothes, and you’re just in time because a technician spots you and urgently gestures towards the stage. “You’re up!”

Positioning yourselves on opposite sides of the large performance space, the lights go down and you hear the rush of air from the heavy curtain opening as it glides past you. The thick artificial smoke partially obscures his form, but you can see his eyes clearly, nearly glowing in the darkness.

As the music starts, slow and quiet at first, you step to the rhythm just like you practiced. When a loud, electronic chord blares, you both pick up speed, launching into that waltz step you first learned many weeks earlier. For the first time ever, you’re able to look into his eyes.

Anyone could see that your movements complement each other effortlessly, but only your teacher picks up on the shift in mood after the countless times she’s seen you perform in the studio. Only she notices the shift in both of your gazes. You look... happy. Focused. Confident.

Donghyuck was able to bring you out of the shell you retreated into so long ago. You don’t feel subordinate as you’re dancing next to him, or being held in his arms. You move as equals, two parts of a whole.

When he picks you up, you can’t help but allow a small smile to stretch your lips. Donghyuck tries to remind you that you’re supposed to have lustful looks in your eyes by narrowing his own at you, but it’s no use. Your slight grin is contagious, and it ends up taking over his face as well.

You finish the piece smoothly, ending in a pose with your backs pressed together and hands clasped. Applause erupts from the audience, and a few cheers come from the rest of the performers waiting in the wings, shielded from the view of the crowd sitting in the seats below.

Needless to say, as you pass other dancers in the halls and receive countless congratulations and compliments, all you can think about is having Donghyuck’s lips on your skin again.

One long heart-to-heart and dozens, no, hundreds of kisses later, all is right with your world. It’s foreign territory to you both, not wanting to pounce on each other at every waking moment. But it’s something you’ll explore together, figuring out how to make up for lost time and just how to go about this newly-repaired relationship.

Exiting the empty dressing room, you take his hand in your own and head backstage once again to watch the rest of the showcase from the side, with your head leaning on his shoulder and his arm pulling you close.

At the party held for all the members of the show’s cast that night, it’s far too loud for your liking, and there’s no room to properly dance with Donghyuck. Despite you all being professional dancers-in-training, everyone else seems to have reverted to the mindset of your average high school student, thinking that jumping up and down repeatedly qualifies as dancing. You disagree, but whatever. It’s not important.

What is important, however, is the fact that the two of you would much rather escape the suffocating crowd of young adults. You would much rather slip out through the sliding glass door that leads to the house’s backyard, marveling at the fading sunset that melts into a deep blue night sky dotted with splashes of clustered lights. The stars are nature’s spotlights, shining down on you as Donghyuck takes you in his arms, one hand finding yours and the other resting on your side, somewhere between your hips and your waist.

Swaying in the silence with only the noises of the evening as your soundtrack, the boy that you would’ve sworn was the devil incarnate a month ago looks so angelic, so lovable. You can’t believe this is what you’ve been missing out on.

“So, should we start over?”

“Definitely.”

There’s no one else in this world you’d rather dance the night away with.

[freddiekluger]

please drop the essay length analysis Judas and Jesus (extra gay Swedish edition), O great and knowledgeable monarch of our times

alright, you ask i deliver! please excuse any typos, my eyes aren't exactly working rn

welcome to my probably super subjective but correct analysis, aka

Judas Was Right and Jesus Was A Victim (At Least, In Swedish)

Before we get started, a couple points: i’ll try to avoid comparisons to other specific productions, i’ve only seen the other recorded 2012 british version which i didn’t like for reasons including but not limited to the amount of white people with dreadlocks. Also, my understanding of swedish is limited to a couple words and phrases, so most of the lyrics i reference will be english subtitles from Ola Salo’s swedish translation and therefore might not be the most accurate !

There’s so much i could cover in this, but for now i’m going to focus on how jesus and judas are portrayed in the 2014 swedish arena tour of Jesus Christ Superstar (JCS) starring Ola Salo as Jesus and Peter Johansson as Judas, along with how this production more implicitly views god. 

From the opening number, translated into swedish as En Dimmig Himmelsdröm (A Foggy Heaven’s Dream), Peter Johansson’s acting and semantic differences in the lyrics present us with a deeply sympathetic portrayal of Judas. Looking purely at language, the english equivalent Heaven On Their Minds instantly paints Judas as much more of a faithless doubter- lyrics exclusive to the english version like “all your followers have gone blind / too much heaven on their minds” and “they think you’re the new messiah / and they’ll hurt you when they find they’re wrong” strongly enforce Judas’ main motivation for his actions being that he has less belief in Jesus and God’s plan than any of the other disciples with strong statements judging the other disciples for following him and claiming that Jesus ISN’T the messiah. The swedish translation doesn’t paint exactly the same picture- the focus of Judas’ number becomes his fear for Jesus’ wellbeing, not because he isn’t the messiah (the production remains fairly ambiguous on this point), but because Jesus can’t cope. The root of Judas’ concern comes from fear for Jesus’ wellbeing, and the disciples are referenced as regularly misunderstanding and wilfully twisting Jesus’ words. The swedish equivalent lyrics for the above examples are “they say, “jesus is god’s son” / but you know how people can change” (judas isn’t concerned with truth, just the danger that jesus will be in if the tide turns), and “the kingdom of heaven is within us, that’s what you said / bu they sew it, stitch by stich into some kind of foggy heaven’s dream”. Judas is showing that he HAS been listening and cares for Jesus’ teachings, but ‘they’ [his disciples] are turning them into something else entirely, and Judas’ worries that the support of the masses is fragile at best- the lines “and everything you say gets twisted by your lackeys / it will be anything but what you’ve said”  and “you are being used by people who want you in their battle” reinforces this again. When combined with Peter Johansson’s tough but tender performance, in which he dances between disdain for Jesus, the institution, and affection for Jesus, the man (an important distinction), Judas is the harsh realist doing his best to look out for the man he loves. The way he takes Jesus hands and looks at him with love and urgency straight away establishes that his motivations are pure- Judas is doing what he thinks is best, even though it feels like no one will listen to him. 

That was long, but En Dimmig Himmelsdröm is the perfect character introduction for Judas. He’s not totally unrecognisable, still delivering digs about ‘Jesus, the little carpenter’s son’, his manner is still rough and at this point we’re not sure whether or not the claims he makes about the disciples have any truth to them, BUT we can also see how much Jesus means to him, an important point that give context to the intensity of their future arguments and really makes the whole story much more heartbreaking.

This brings me to Ola Salo’s Jesus. Delightfully camp and queercoded, Judas describes him as being caught up in his own magic and mystery and buckling under the pressure, and he’s not entirely wrong. Throughout the first act, Jesus basks in the luxuries that being messiah can give him (the oils Mary paid for using disciple funds that were supposed to go towards helping the poor, him absolutely thriving in the shopping cart in What’s the Buzz?), and is shown actively avoiding any reminders of the seriousness of his position. He’s sick of the disciples asking him for a plan, he chooses the comforting Mary, who’s theme consists of telling Jesus everything is okay and he doesn’t need to think about anything, over Judas, who is less perhaps ‘cosy’ but is actively trying to warn and protect Jesus from an awful fate. During The Temple, he starts to crack as he’s overcome by the followers begging him to make him well, fear in his eyes as he raises his arms while frozen on the spot trying to avoid being devoured by the frenzy in desperate need of a messiah. Judas’ point about Jesus buckling under the pressure is starting to look more and more reasonable, and the dashes of showbiz campness add to the sense that much of Jesus is a persona constructed for the masses to give himself enough distance to prevent him from being crushed by the weight of God entirely. Jesus, the institution, prances around, lays his hands on his followers, and projects an air of easygoing calm. Jesus, the man, is scared and alone, and Jesus, the man, really comes out in Last Supper, but before we get there, I want to circle back to the Jesus/Mary/Judas thing.

Jesus, Mary, and Judas are presented as a love triangle: so much so, that Judas seeing Mary sing of her love for Jesus (I Don’t Know How To Love Him) is actually played as the inciting incident that sends him to the pharisees. Judas, the picture of the jealous lover, storms onto the scene, breaking them up and attempting to kiss Jesus, who instead shoves him to the ground in disdain. Judas, who is perhaps a little controlling, realises that any influence he had over Jesus has gone, and it’s likely a combination of jealousy and the knowledge that Jesus won’t stop that prompts him to head to the pharisees. In his meeting with the pharisees (known in english as Damned For All Time, although that phrase doesn’t appear once in the swedish), Judas’ expresses outright that “I’m the one who sees / Jesus, he can’t handle it anymore” “the truth is that this hysteria is making him lose control”, once he can get past explaining how much this plan of action feels like a last resort. He never even verbally or physically accept the pharisees’ offer of money, he denies it twice before it is eventually thrown over him after he reluctantly gives them the date and time to find Jesus- we never even see him pick it up, unlike other productions which show Judas grabbing for the cash and place a higher emphasis on Judas making sure he ‘won’t be damned for all time’, painting Judas as far more self serving. When it comes to Jesus, Judas is active- he’s running around trying to help, caressing him, embracing him, grabbing his hand, kissing him. They share countless moment of intimacy, especially at the start, establishing the fondness between them instead of instantly jumping to their conflict. When it comes to Mary (and admittedly, this is partially because she’s a secondary character- don’t get me wrong I still love her and Gunilla Backman does a brilliant job), she’s much more passive. Other than the much more gentle kisses in I Don’t Know How To Love Him and her penchant for dabbing Jesus’ forehead, she’s mostly just ‘there’. She cares for Jesus after the fact, and even when performing acts of intimacy like the oil and the kiss, she maintains a lot of physical distance- her songs touch on this as, much like Jesus (admittedly for different reasons), she actively distances herself from feelings to protect herself, so naturally she literally places distance between herself and the object of her love.

This brings me back to Last Supper, Gethsemane ( I Only Want to Say), and the kiss of death that broke all of our hearts. Throughout this segment, this is when Jesus, the man, really comes through, and it’s devastating. In Last Supper, he properly expresses the sheer amount of loneliness he feels, reiterating how he feels everyone will forget about him once he’s gone, and doesn’t really care about him as a man (”for you, my blood is not worth more than wine / for you, my body is not worth more than bread” “you will have forgotten me as soon as i give up my life”). This devolves into the disciples fighting each other and, you guessed it, ignoring him. For the first time, Jesus meaningfully lets out his anger, and as it turns to Judas, Judas does the same. Because of the set up of their complicated romantic relationship and the stakes involved, the amount of personal attacks and anger that comes out of Jesus and Judas’ repeated fights (which get physical) make complete sense- Jesus’ frustrations come from the fact that his entire fate has been predetermined and to him, Judas is just another instrument in the ways he’s been controlled (both with Judas being his betrayer, but also the way that Judas’ constant advice and interference with Jesus’ life (most obviously, the mary thing) are acted by Ola Salo as becoming increasingly frustrating to Jesus)- these frustrations are directed at their real cause, God, in Gethsemane. Judas’ frustrations come from the fact that no matter how hard he tries to help Jesus and keep him safe, Jesus keeps rejecting his efforts resulting in “all that we’ve built up [being] destroyed”- Judas’ heart hasn’t just been broken by Jesus rejecting him romantically, but on every level. Here, he’s actually shown to be the disciple most passionate about helping people practically and long term, being the only one concerned about Mary taking money which was supposed to help people, manipulated by the pharisees with the promise of doing good for the masses, and criticising Jesus for how they could be doing so much for people, ending his part of Last Supper with “every time i look at you i ask myself why you let all your things go so wrong? / all i ever wanted was to help you”. 

This is also the point where Judas’ claims about the disciples are essentially confirmed, and this productions intent to portray Judas as more of a tragic hero become absolutely clear. In the english version, the disciples chorus remains virtually the same each time it appears, generally being far too calm considering their leader is about to die, revealing their aspirations to be apostles, and their intent to write the gospels to be remembered. the swedish translation still achieve this, but with variations from chorus to chorus it becomes much more poignant. i’m just going to stick to ttwo, which are choruses 1 and 3. In chorus 1, lines roughly translate to “i’ve always wanted to be an apostle / life is so nice when you’re saved/ then when we’ve got time we’ll write the gospels / then everything will be the way we want”-  the apostles declaring that life is so good when you’re saved supports Judas’ opening statement that they care more about some idea of heaven than anything else, not to mention ignoring the absolute horrors that Jesus will have to go through to be saved, while the final line about the gospels introduces their intent to change whichever details they need to make ‘everything the way we want’: once again, exactly what Judas warned us of in En Dimmig Himmelsdröm. In chorus 3, taking place after Judas storms out for the last time, these lines change to “never really liked that judas / never saw what jesus saw in him / then, when we’ve got time we’ll write the gospels / and we’ll angle it so he gets all the blame”. Judas as a sympathetic character is confirmed here, as the disciples straight up admit how they don’t like Judas anyways and intend to write him as a villain (also inadvertently admitting that, since they have to write the gospels to make it look like only Judas’ fault, Judas isn’t really the sole one responsible for everything that is to come). It’s deeply unsettling, and for me was the point where I really began to question how good any of these disciples were, and by extension, how good is this production’s God if his truly sanctified followers are acting like this?

Jesus vents out all of his anger and desperation in Gethsemane. He acknowledges his own powerlessness and begs him to change the plan, but with the dark stage and no response (along with Ola Salo’s spectacular acting) it becomes clear that if anyone is there, they’re certainly not listening (”you, who have all the power / can you please change the plan / for i can already feel the pain burning in me”). It’s worth mentioning that a lot of the imagery in this swedish version is much more intense than the english, both in this song and the production as a whole. Jesus plainly calls god “thoughtless”, begging to understand, and it’s that this point we realise that he agrees with much more of what Judas has been saying than he’s been letting on- Jesus’ faith appears to be the only thing keeping him from listening to Judas and running away. Judas’ messages about people misunderstanding Jesus’ words also come out (”you care that everyone sees / but not that anyone understands”), and his eventual agreeing to die is played less as an inspiring act of faith, and more an act of desperation as he realises, he realise has no other choice. In this song, we see just how much of Judas Jesus has valued and taken on board, and that his air of carefree aloofness which frustrated Judas was, as we’ve already touched on, a complete act. The line “might as well finish what i’ve... what YOU’VE started” is absolutely miserable, reinforcing one of the major themes of this production: the idea that Jesus and Judas were both just ordinary men tormented by futures defined by forces out of their control. Just as Jesus has absorbed Judas’ logic, as an audience so we have, and it’s difficult to view the rest of the play’s events as anything other than an immense and unnecessary act of cruelty.

we’re almost done i promise!

Even knowing what Judas has/will do, Jesus still greets him with love. Judas, still under the impression that Jesus will be okay and that he’s doing what’s best, approaches him with the utmost tenderness, and the kiss is a beautiful signifier of two things. For Jesus, the return of his love for Judas shows his realisation in Gethsemane that Judas isn’t the one who’s sealed his fate and has only being trying to help, it’s god himself who has decided Jesus’ future. For Judas, the kiss shows that despite all of the anger and frustration that has been pouring out of him, he truly does love Jesus, and the way he cradles the scared and alone Jesus to his chest afterwards shows just how much he wishes he could be the one to help him and keep him close. Even with all their arguments and dysfunction, here Jesus and Judas find comfort in each other, and it almost seems like everything will end up alright. It’s in this moment that Judas and Jesus are most identifiable not as enemies, or as villain and hero, but as archetypal lovers from a Shakespearean tragedy. Neither of them set out to hurt each other, but through miscommunications, their own flaws, and external forces (both natural and supernatural), their love is simply never to be. Furthermore, in the following torture and spectacle, everything that Judas predicted for Jesus is about to come true. Another detail I find interesting is the way that Jesus and Judas both sport black nail polish, leather pants, and similar length hair: along with just looking cool as hell, the similarities really reinforce how close they are and how much they influence each other- it feels like a contemporary version of carrying a cameo or a lock of your lover's hair with you, a way for 'star crossed lovers' to keep a piece of their beloved no matter what.

The disaffected persona of Jesus, the institution, comes back as he’s taken by the authorities and subsequently insulted, degraded, and whipped. Also the swedish version of The Arrest, when the chorus starts singing questions, contains this dick joke and I think we all deserve it: “why were you dating a whore? / talk about a huge magic wand!”

Skipping forward to Judas’ Death, this is where both his character and the production’s conception of god beautifully (and miserably) align. When Judas runs to the pharisees, minor semantic changes (along with the genuine concern and great acting from Peter Johansson) reinforce that this Judas genuinely didn’t know that Jesus would be beaten and sentenced to death the way he has been, and Judas’ concern regarding how things look is played less as ‘oh no people will hate ME!’, but how having sentenced the man you love to death is one nightmarish thing, but for everyone to think you did it knowingly and willingly and then congratulate you for it is unthinkable. Where the english shows Judas’ attempting to evade responsibility for Jesus death, the swedish is more focused on Judas’ guilt, horror, and regret. The english “I’d save him all the suffering if I could / don’t believe our good / save him if I could” is swapped in swedish for “If anyone should die here I should / don’t say I’m good / better if I died”. While the english statements are somewhat empty (sure, Judas says he’d save Jesus’ suffering if he could, but he can’t so we’ll never truly know) and are still focused on Judas’ attempt to construct himself as a good guy, the swedish translation has Judas admit his guilt (even if it’s not really his fault), and make the promise of “better if i died” which, given the name of this sequence, he later delivers on. When english Judas sings “Christ, I’d sell out the nation / For I have been saddled with the murder of you”, swedish Judas sings “Jesus, I’ve been deceived / because of my act your blood’s now being spilt”, and instead of ending this first section with “I should be dragged through the slime and the mud”, swedish jesus returns to the theme of character assasination with “i will be cursed as the one behind your murder”. 

The swedish translation of the next rework of I Don’t Know How to Love Him also places much more emphasis on Judas’ genuine romantic love for Jesus- we’d be here for hours if i listed everything but here are a few key contrasts. The english has Judas sing “I don’t know how to love him /  I don’t know why he moves me”, whereas the swedish has Judas crying while singing “how do I show my love / all I want is to be close to you”. Along with acknowledging Judas already loves Jesus, the entirety of this segment is shifted from Judas singing about Jesus in the third person ‘he’, to a direct address. Judas isn’t performing his sadness, or venting his emotions, he’s emitting one last desperate cry to the man he loves as he sobs on a stage completely shrouded in darkness, and it’s devastating. Peter Johansson lets his voice run raw as he’s belting, and interrupts lines with sobs, and this Judas answers the question of “do you love me too? do you care for me?” with a quiet “no”- Judas is about to go to his death convinced Jesus must hate him, just as Jesus will face his knowing his love inadvertently put him there.

We finally reach Judas’ actual death, and the production’s far more ambiguous (if not negatively geared) depiction of god comes to a head. Judas’ screaming at god the moment he realises that his god essentially forced Judas to be the one to kill Jesus (an act of ultimate cruelty given their love) comes across as horrifying in it’s validity, unlike in other english language productions where it follows the more common characterisation of Judas being an unbeliever who can’t take responsibility for his own actions. When he spits on the ground, screaming “you have murdered me!”, we can’t help but agree- Judas was trying everything he could to stop Jesus from dying, and yet here he is. Most notably, Judas doesn’t set up his own suicide- a noose literally descends from the heavens, already tied, and Judas is literally trapped between the edge of the stage, and the symbol of death behind him. Much like he didn’t choose to kill Jesus, Judas has no choice in his own suicide- it’s suggested to merely be another part of the plan god has for him, and Judas raising his arms to form a crucifixion pose before he finally turns and jumps, disappearing into the depths of the theatre as the rope trails down (somewhat evocative of a leap to hell), highlight the sick joke. Much like Jesus begging in Gethsemane, a plea with god that in anyway implies fault or cruelty is met with silence followed by a death sentence. 

When Judas reappears to the broken and bloodied Jesus in Superstar, he appears as more of a twisted hallucination than the literal spirit of Judas. He’s the opposite of everything he was in life, draped in colour, surrounded by red lighting instead of the signature blue, his hair quite literally let down, joking and dancing. Despite singing about him, Judas virtually ignores Jesus for the whole song except when he’s taunting him, snatching his hand away after a broken and desperate Jesus reaches out for the image of his beloved (refuting Judas’ belief that Jesus would die hating him), along with the swedish additions of Judas repeatedly addressing him as “little Jesus”. Where the living Judas was serious, sometimes harsh but always well intention, often paying more attention to Jesus than he received, this Judas is the opposite: light hearted but cruel, not caring about Jesus one bit. It’s somewhat an inversion of the beginning of JCS, where the tormented Judas was constantly reaching out to Jesus, and often met with scorn and insult (see: most of their arguments, this line from Everything’s Alright: “the thought is beautiful but quite unrealistic / yes, even quite stupid”). As the song goes on, and even as Jesus is crucified, the victorious scoring of the Superstar theme ends up reinforcing the cruelty and questioning of god distinctive of this production: Ola Salo’s Jesus is one of the bloodiest Jesus’s (Jesii?) I’ve been able to find, with blood covering his torso, his arms, and all over his face, not in passive dribbles, but violent ‘swooshes’ spreading out from his eyes, emphasising the fear and pain contained within them. As the music suggests how great and wonderful Jesus’ death is, the images straight out of a horror movie before us don’t seem to match up: as both Judas and Jesus question, if no one is understanding what Jesus is saying, why kill him? instead of making a point, you’re ensuring that the falsehoods continue to circulate, unless spreading the true message isn’t really the intent at all. or, simply that Jesus was wrong: his interpretation and teachings of god were far too kind and practical, and the true god really is the one that he briefly saw in the garden of Gethsemane, and that Judas saw before his death- a cruel and vindictive god using them for his own sick purposes. If you're a strong Christian, I'm sure you could watch this production and still believe that God was right (although I think Jesus and Judas being in love counts as blasphemy), but I think in doing so you'd lose part of what makes this production so hard hitting and, as i keep saying, devastating.

that’s pretty much it for this one! i feel like jesus and judas as a queer couple is less significant to this production than the fact that it’s specifically jesus and judas that are in love - they don’t face explicit homophobia as such, although i do think the paratextual and historical associations of queerness (both with them each looking visibly queer, and them as a couple) adds a beautiful dimension by subverting the standard christian teaching of Jesus’ sacrifice as “a love that changed the world” and making the love that truly could have been transformative (and was, to a degree) the love between Jesus and another man, not to mention the way in which queerness is often viewed as radical perfectly upholding the ‘radical’ views of god and the story of Jesus shown in the production. Why wouldn’t the love between two men be the love which has us questioning god, faith, and that which many of us have been taught since birth? Ola Salo has talked about how he’s able to be positive and negative towards christianity, along with how he wanted Jesus and Judas to really represent two sides of the same coin (’faith and intelligence’), and being bisexual along with having alluded to being raised christian (not to mention Breaking Up With God, a song by his band The Ark), it’s not surprising he’s managed to present such a nuanced and layered interpretation of Jesus Christ Superstar that even me, a trans exvangelical, can fall in love with.

UPDATE: @bands-and-hobbits has just let me know that Ola's dad was a priest! Apparently he's said that he liked the organs and the music, but that was all when it comes to christianity, which (when combined with Ola stating in interviews that the JCS soundtrack has been one of his favourite albums since he was 14) makes a lot of sense about the level of familiarity he had with the text giving him confidence to go in and make changes to really capitalised off of some of the themes that are hinted at in the english version- you have enough information to understand how everything works together, but aren't so dedicated to preserving belief that you feel you can't improve/change things (and my god are we glad he did)