#they worry about being useful to ppl they feel like they have a debt to (lou's a workaholic lucy likes to be included)

[comfied-chriterature]

shakes you. do you think when loulu parted, lucy, the romantic and heartbroken, tried to tell herself to think logically?

it was for the best and she knew it. the guild is the past, louisa is win the guild, therefore she is the past too. but that kind of logical thinking was what louisa would’ve done and maybe she rubbed off more on lucy more than lucy had thought.

to rub salt in the wound, that mindset actually helped. it also showed that louisa (and her thinking) is good for lucy. even when she’s gone

(does this make sense? i’m not sure)

(being shaken) Urgghhhhh it hurts to think that in order for Lucy to move on from Louisa she had to be like her and think like her. Had to absorb parts of Louisa into herself to forget her. And she continues to carry Louisa's influence with her as she leaves her behind.

Maybe she was thinking like a romantic at first — that maybe she and Louisa would cross paths again on some fateful day, maybe Lucy could "show her the light" and bring Louisa over to her side. Because, surely, they're going to see each other again, right? Louisa was her first friend, fate wouldn't be so cruel as to split them up forever, right...?

Until she realized that of course Louisa would choose the Guild. The logical girl with hundreds of plans in her head, the strategist who prioritized the Guild's survival over anything else, she would be able to leave Lucy in the past. She would be thinking toward the future; she would be able to accept that they weren't meant to be (even if it hurt Louisa to put their history aside, even if she was so much lonelier now than she thought she could be).

So Lucy would have to do that too. But there are other traits of Louisa that Lucy may pick up over time. Maybe she'd be more open with things and people that she loved. She'd grow to care in a more gentle way (well, sometimes). She'd find a home and a pursuit that she could cling to with such resolve and devotion.

And maybe while she sacrifices nearly everything to protect her home, she'd have a fleeting thought that it's something Louisa would've done.

[trickstarbrave]

Actually b4 I sleep:

I see in the bg3 arguments (carried over from ppl rules lawyering 5e too hard) that if a character wants to do something it is unethical or “gross” to use persuasion rolls to convince them out of it. Examples: that you should let Astarion ascend because he wants to, or let Shadowheart become a dark justiciar because “it’s all she’s ever wanted”

These arguments are stupid.

Normally I don’t go hard on the “this is a stupid argument” bc most of the time complex moral situations require nuance and you shouldn’t try and call ppl stupid for differing perspectives but. No this one is stupid.

Persuasion rolls are not magical mind control. They are literally using the force of charisma (whole other conversation but again it isn’t mind control) to talk about something to a character and have them see it from different perspectives. High rolls are not you overriding their will power or decision making—if they rly didn’t wanna, they wouldn’t do it. You can do this for objectively horrible end goals, but also good ones.

Not to gamify real life tragedies but IRL, talking someone down from a suicide attempt would be a charisma roll (I’ve been suicidal so I’m using this example). The person really “wants” to kill themselves—or at least, they really think they do. This isn’t a choice made in a vacuum. Ultimately people want to die when they think there is no way out of their problems be it bad mental health, abuse they’re constantly subjected to, insane amounts of debt they feel they’ll never be able to pay off, social isolation, grief, and so on. It can be a combination of factors, but really what they ACTUALLY want is a solution to the problems that are overwhelming them and making them feel like being alive is worse than being dead. Talking someone down from suicide is not a BAD thing to do. In fact it would be morally bad to go “well we have to let people do what they want. Go for it man here’s a loaded gun and some pills”. But you have to persuade them to help them. Because they’re in a really dark place and can’t see reason.

Shadowheart was raised in a cult. She doesn’t actually want to be a dark justiciar, she wants to feel accomplished and like she belongs. She has been punished, isolated, and hurt her whole childhood and had her suffering justified by those in power above her. She’s been abused and told being a dark justiciar is the best thing a sharran can be. That it is the height of Shar worship. And that Shar took her in and “loved” her when “no one else wanted her”. Her ideals and goals are built upon lies and abuse. You, as an outsider, can give her that perspective and tell her that no matter how hard it gets she is worthy of love and can uncover the lies used to cover up and erase her past. She is just so narrowed in on what she thinks is “right” based on what she’s grown up with that she is not thinking for herself, she’s falling back on cult doctrine to think for her.

Astarion “wants” to ascend because he wants to feel like no one can ever hurt him again. He wants to spite Cazador. He wants to feel safe. And not worry about burning in the sun too. But are those things worth your actual fucking soul and your ability to love and connect with other people? No. Astarion doesn’t actually want the power, he doesn’t actually want to rule the world, and this power will not actually keep him safe. He has mistaken power for freedom because of 200 years of abuse and also was almost killed via human sacrifice like a minute prior (turns in dnd are only 6 seconds). He isn’t exactly thinking rationally give he’s been free for a week and nearly died a few seconds prior. He’s running on base instincts. He’s leaning into the lies Cazador has drilled into his head: the weak suffer because they are weak and the only way to be safe is to be the strongest person around. But this is an ideology that isn’t true. Cazador wasn’t safe. He wouldn’t have been safe even ascended. Astarion won’t be either. It’s literally a Faustian bargain and the game hits you over the damn head with it multiple times. Talking him out of it means you to see Astarion for who he is: as a person beyond his abuse and what makes him useful or not.

Hell, on a smaller level, Wyll wanted to kill Karlach. You can find out very easily though that she’s not actually a bad person, it’s just a technicality of Wyll’s contract. Or are you gonna say Karlach is manipulative and immoral for telling the truth and pleading for her life??? Because it’s getting in the way of what Wyll wants to do! Mizora told him she’s heartless! He’ll suffer if he doesn’t! Gale wants to blow himself up and thinks it’s the right choice, better miss out on all of act 3 because why are you trying to convince him out of it???

You can still ofc make different choices in any storyline bc this is s video game I’m not here to tell you what you can and can’t do. Just arguing “actually it’s morally bad that I have to roll persuasion—“ is a dumb argument I need people to stop making.

[cryingatships]

Parents in BMF

Sooo, Be My Favorite has been hitting too close to my heart since ep 1. But this ep topped it off ahaha I did not sign up for this where's the cutesy show I can watch without feeling anything

There's already been a lot of (frankly wonderful) discussions about it, but this stuff hits close to home so I had to write a bit, too. Prior warnings for (mostly) personal thoughts, disorderly ramblings, and discussions of homophobia.

About Kawi

We start off the series with saving Kawi's family as one of the goals. But what is 'family' to Kawi? Kawi gives us a lot of info about his background - He is poor (one of his main insecurities that plays into his sense of self), his mother has remarried and moved away, and his father is mortally ill.

From Kawi's words, it's clear that he is not at all close to his mother. So, he probably did not have a mother figure growing up. Did he even have a feminine figure he was close to throughout his childhood and adolescence? A playmate, a neighbour, an aunt? (Not really, I think)

Is that why he values his 'crush' so much?

A woman showed him kindness and interest for perhaps a very, very long time, in a foreign setting where he feels vulnerable, and he latched to it. Can't blame him for that. But that brings up an interesting possibility—The feelings Kawi has for Pear, are they of an inherently romantic nature? Or are they of some other kind, but which Kawi chooses to label as romantic, because he has little to no experience with female affection whatsoever?

Anyway, I was supposed to talk about Kawi's dad and got derailed.

So, Kawi's father.

Someone who loves Kawi a lot, as evident from his unwillingness to touch the fixed deposit he has because it is saved for Kawi's future. He refuses to get expensive treatment that is crucial for him to live him because he does not want to land Kawi in debt. (He also refused to talk about his disease in the initial eps, perhaps because he does not want his son to worry about him and affect his studies.)

So, Kawi at least had a positive father figure in his life. (who evetually becomes the reason why Kawi starts chasing his dreams!! Woot to healthy fathers in bls and in reality!)

But, it also makes me wonder, would Kawi's father accept the fact of him being a part of the queer community? Since BMF is a bl show, the answer is perhaps yes. (Though BMF is giving so many surprises each week I feel that this may just be hmmm... not true... hm... deep in delulu) But if this was in the real world, would he, an aged asian person with perhaps negligible knowledge about the queer community, learns that his so-far-straight son has suddenly 'turned gay' (using this term cause this is what I've heard ppl use irl when talking about their kids coming out...), be ok with it? Would he accept Kawi?

(I REALLY really wanna see Kawi coming out to his dad. LIke. Give it to meeee gmmtv.)

About Pisaeng

Contrasting Kawi's openness about his family (despite his insecurities about it), we have Pisaeng, who gives us no info about his family.

In all the prev eps, we got little mention of Pisaeng's family. And when we did, it was from Pear, saying that Pisaeng had a lonely childhood with no friends other than her and Not. (Which struck me as weird, cause Pisaeng, with his friendliness, ought to have many. making assumption about extroverts...i'm sorry. Ofc, we later learn the reason for this.)

Anyway, Pisaeng *does not* bring his family up, ever. He refuses to talk of the past. What could have happened back then?

In ep 6, finally, we get an idea.

It's Max, dearest Tired Queer who never fails us, who brings it up (the irony!)

But, even faced with the direct question, Pisaeng clams up and refuses to talk. (At this point I didn't realize what was happening it, just thought we were hating on politicians like we always ought to. And that Pisaeng's last name is very common in Thailand.)

And this wannabe politician lady is liberal enough on the media to have an out and proud queer person like Max follow her because he likes "what she says."

I need a breather cause this is so close to reality that it's nauseating

We later know that liberal politician lady is Pisaeng's mum. And all her liberal thoughts are just for the show. She employs people who are from the queer community but then uses them to spy on her son. (another breather needed asap)

Now, I wouldn't have realized this part if @bengiyo hadn't pointed this out in their post about how Pisaeng has been forced into the closet by his *liberal queer-supportive* mother, who also insists on controlling his life, his sexuality, and even his friends. Look at @jjsanguine's post on Pisaeng's mother and her view of frivolous friendships! It's soo... TwT. There *are* parents who insist their children don't make friends cause according to them the wrong sort of friends will get them into trouble in their future life (aka employment/career. Frick society and its- everything, actually.)

As much as I hate her for her horrible parenting, for her blatant lies about acceptability, and for using queers to hunt down their own community, and for being a politician (there's smt inherently wrong with ppl in politics, smt or the other, you can't convince me otherwise), I can't help but marvel how real her character is. Cause yeah, this stuff happens every day. I've seen others experience it, and I've experienced it myself.

That said, I can also see *where* Pisaeng's mum is coming from. (His name is so long I wanna call him Saeng but we got soo many Saeng's in bls recently ueue). As in the thought that drives their behaviour.

I think Pisaeng's mother operates on this—It's ok as long as it's not one of ours aka queerness in fine, as long as it's other people, as long as it does not affect our children.

I dunno about Thailand, but in my part of Asia, this is the often the *most* acceptability queers get. This, or outright homophobia. (breaths.)

Parents (ie the 'cool' ones) are ok with lgbt+ as long as their kids don't come out one day, or heavens forbid, bring a partner home. I do believe there are some parents who accept lgbt freely, but like, in my 19 yrs of experience, none of the parents (the ones who were ok enough to hold such a talk with in the first place) were. I hope some parents out there are more accepting :')

If you belong to a particularly liberal upper/upper middle class family, and you show your parent an lgbt ad, talk about the latest legislature that decriminalized homosexual relationships, or the ongoing court case about legalizing same sex marriage, they'll be ok with that. They'll nod their head and say 'progress'. (Though a lot more parents would beat you/inflict other kinds of abuse on you. Also honour killing.)

But heaven forbid their child becomes a part of that community. Then, there are talks of soothsayers, 'treatments', "it's just a phase", cutting off the child's friends and their access to phone cause they've been "badly influenced".

At the end, if the person still insists on being a part of queer community, the parents will force them to hide it. Not to tell anyone about it, to go back to the closet. Which is exactly what happened with Pisaeng. Only, Pisaeng's mother makes it worse (should there be a difference in levels of homophobia?) by using this pseudo acceptance for profit.

Their worry? The person's future. Their career, jobs, social standing. Because yes, even with legislatures, being queer can hamper one's access to education, health, and job opportunities, among many many other things. (To say nothing about the recent rise in hate crimes in my country...)

Often, this behaviour comes from parental love (a very twisted love that is), because most parents do not want their children to suffer, which they inevitably would if they lived their queer lives openly in the current social conditions.

But it also comes from prejudice, hate, and as urge to control. In many cases, parents refuse to accept their children have grown up, and are in a place to make their own decisions. Instead, they try to dictate every thought and every behaviour, including the choice of marital partners. (Ik arranged marriage au is often a thing of joke in the bl circle but, it's so real, guys. It happens way too often and tho it's mostly not a coercive thing... it sometimes is).

Also, surveillance. Parents often pry on phones, it's uncomfortably common place. I know a (not lgbt) friend whose parent had hired a private detective to spy on them cause they were afraid said friend would go into bars and get into drugs after entering uni.

So yeah. It's a circus. It'd be a funny one if this wasn't real life. >.>

So anyway anyway, Pisaeng's mother and her words made me think a lot sooo... I thought-dumped!

When I started watching BMF I thought it'd be a funny little show that would help me relax after a hectic week. Who knew it'd make me write so much about so many things. (I also blame Tumblr.)

This got wayy too personal at the end so like, congrats if you read till here. I kudos your patience for reading my disorganized mess of thoughts. Have a cookie/cupcake/chicken fritters(they are so! good!)/other food of your choice and I hope your weekend goes reallyy well!

ALso I hope Pisaeng's mother gets her just desserts. Even if she accepts him in the end, her past behaviour is horrible. And who knows if she won't use her financial and political power to harm the queer society later? People in power always under suspicion tbh

Also I just realized we have got nothing about Pisaeng's father...

[kemimariesworld]

12th house profection year journal entry #5! DO IT WHEN YOU FEEL IT

i always find it intriguing how many ppl say i’m very open but majority of people have no idea what’s going on in my life lol. 2022 was hell on wheels, expedited shipping. so for all of 2022, i was in a year of loss and it was easily one of the hardest things i’ve been through. knowing it was a year of loss and then preceding to see everything crumble was like 🤣😩😱😦. i didn’t understand why until december. last month everything began to make sense and all i have to say is that anything built on foundation that is unstable with poor motivations will always crumble eventually. whether it’s tomorrow or in 10 years. the life i thought i wanted was one built upon a foundation of others standards, desires for me and my own unhealed motivations. i thought i needed to operate in a way that would provide me with the material “stability” i so desperately thought i needed to be internally stable. but there came a moment in 2021, where i felt so deeply called towards things i really love: creativity, travel, exploration, and never settling. i’ve always wanted to be a nomad but when i felt that calling, i buried it to do the norm and continue pursuing more. it just always felt like there was more. like i needed to grind towards more. i graduated. i had a home. i made a ton of money. i was fully ready to stay exactly where the fuck i was KNOWING i have heart calling dreams! i literally used to have moments where i’d be like “damn, i wish i could just travel freely. i can’t bc i have a lease and don’t want to waste $.” self betrayal out of fear & complacency. grinding due to feelings of inadequacy & lack. settling down at 22. so many ppl settle down & stop exploring. that’s what i did. but i’m a sagittarius 29° 9th house. my journey is to explore unconventionally. the loss from 2022 set me up for this year. for being 23. i was PRAYING for an out and in august 2022, i got an email from my landlord saying i gotta go in like a week. i don’t have to do or pay anything. I WAS OVER THE FUCKING MOON. 😫😭 it was hectic but a whole chance to start over the way EYE wanted to! it’s been 5 months of this digital nomad life & i’ve learned so much. i wish i would’ve done it earlier when i felt it.

I had stability that I didn't want to trade for my joy and freedom, because I didn't want to suffer or struggle in the eyes of society. I was so worried about it all dissolving and I was trying to hold on, but I let go of it all from income streams to my home. Thats something people don't know nor understand. Cause why would you let go of some of your income streams? I couldn't do anything my heart wasn't in. It's that simple for me. It's inauthentic and for someone who reached where I am off of my authenticity, I couldn't do it. So I had to let it go until that passion came back and that cost a lot. It's slowly coming back clearly cause here I am, but bitch I was STRESSED in this state of "I don't know what I want to do with my life!!!!"

Stability is held to the highest regard, but I can honestly say: stability without inner joy and fulfillment isn't stability at all. It's a slow, trickling out of your life force which slowly corrodes your spirit and denies you access to internal stability. The digital nomad life has taught me to redefine what "stable" means to me. What makes me feel safe, secure, sturdy, and fixed?

What makes me feel secure is having options, being able to have a beautiful, comfortable space that I can leave when I want to. Feeling secure is having choices, being free, being allowed to travel. Feeling secure is having the same morning routine anywhere I go. Feeling secure is having my family around. Feeling secure is paying off my debts because I don't have extra bills. I've lived a life of responsibility and the less I have to do, think about, pay, etc, the better. I value the simple life more than I do anything complex and materialistic. You can put me in a beautiful cabin in the jungle and I will be content. I don't need much but a vibe and safety. There are things that ground me as we move from place to place and explore it all. The things that matter stay the same while the material changes.

I'm happy that I decided to pursue what I desire, truly. I have about 8 more months to really figure out if this is what I want to do long term. I have that time to get various things in place to make a decision, but even then, this digital nomad stuff has taught me that things can be changed. Change is okay. For something with heavy 8th house, scorpio and pluto energy... this life is helping me learn to accept change, loss and sudden shifts. I think I needed this life more than I wanted it. For healing purposes. I lost and let go of so much during 22, just to be able to explore during this 12th house year.. which is indeed ruled by Jupiter for me.

[duncebento]

you study abroad right? how has that been? i want to but im worried its going to be too hard to adjust to plus school

i do!! i’ll give pros n cons though they might be specific

pros:

- i’m confident that i’m getting some of the best education i could be, which even though i’m from new york where there r many college options i still feel that it would’ve been settling to stay at home. to me it’s worth being there for the school

- i do like having the opportunity to immerse myself in another language as someone interested in linguistics!

- for italy specifically, food, art, architecture, pre-capitalist city planning which i feel is more….human-centric?

- since my school is in english, i have meet ppl from allll around the world. my class was originally 16 ppl and we were from 10 different countries across 5 continents. of the friends i’ve made there, one is chinese from hungary, one is from portugal, one is from india, one is from zimbabwe, and two are other usamericans.

- the cost isn’t great since it’s a private school, but i’m still paying less than i could have been in the US, n godwilling i will not graduate w student debt

- europe has trains so i can go places so easily

- night-out bar and club culture that i wouldn’t have access to yet in the US w/out a fake, but which i feel is crucial to the college experience lol. will treasure memories dancing to live music at the cuban bar, drinking spritzes on the river, bringing bottles of prosecco to house parties

cons:

- paperwork is so annoying ESPECIALLY because italian bureaucracy is ill-managed. BUT americans have such a passport privelege, my old roommate from iran couldnt come to school for months bc of her visa

- apts are still expensive i general, especially in places like florence w a high tourist appeal bc they are also airbnb infected, which has totally jacked up rent rates. right now i’m blessedly paying what i would definitely call reduced rent because a rich friend of a friend of a friend had an old apartment that she’s renting to me for far less than market price. but without knowing people from the area already apt hunting is hell.

- it’s not entirely a con, but def a learning curve around communication, because european profs are often excitable or brusque or sometimes even cruel in my experience in a way that wouldn’t fly so much in american colleges (though part of that is the fashion element imo.) it was hard for many americans to adapt to this sort of criticism

- i am definitely more conscious of my blackness in italy, ppl are more ignorant about black people (though imo not actually more hateful.) but ppl are also so amazed by my hair which is nice sometimes lol…..american whites will like never compliment black hair cos theyre scared. but yeah white ppl in europe dont have much of a faux pas developed against certain racism yet

- i do miss my family when i’m there— though now i miss my friends when i’m not there! and the time zone diff >_<

- it is very easy to be lonely, esp. at first. at fashion school i’m not really around “my type” of people, which means i feel really isolated even around the other americans. they just don’t know how to make heads or tails of me i suppose. but then, if i really think of it, that might just be a con of being weird in general. my usual odds of finding someone i really gel with are about 1/500, so that puny statistic decreases even further when most ppl around me don’t speak english as a first language.

[the-somwthing]

I’ve been talking a lot about why I’m not a fan of the idea that all the servers are connected (tbh I don’t want to talk about it THAT much because then ppl will bring up how I’m wrong or something) but I wanna tell a reason I didn’t get to that is actually pretty much the MAIN reason:

I feel like it breaks the immersion. I’m going to be using the life series as my main example because it’s the only mcyt series I am currently FULLY invested in. All the others I like I struggle to keep up with unfortunately.

But like, in 3rd Life. Grian has a whole epic story of being in debt to a red name, going through a war, and winning in the end. It’s a really powerful story, and I feel like applying every other server Grian’s ever been in sort of… takes away from it?

Especially the idea that he just goes back to hermitcraft like normal. That’s often what ruins fics for me personally, when a character talks about how stressful it is or whatever and another character says “don’t worry we’ll be back in (“home” server) after this” I’m like man WHAT. Where’s the stakes NOW?? I will say that sometimes it feels necessary to give them a place to go afterwards, so it’s not ALWAYS bad and even with my own fic ideas I often think “damn maybe I need to do that even tho I don’t like it”

Even aside from stakes, because I can get wanting to give these guys a proper break from the death games, I feel like it changes their characters too much. Like, I want to focus on how exactly they played their characters in 3L, LL, DL, etc. But now you’re telling me I have to focus on their relationships in OTHER servers I don’t even WATCH? It makes everything they do feel more like an act, like they’re just pretending to have beef in whichever server they’re against each other. Which is closer to real life. Which makes me bored cuz I’m trying to get into the roleplay aspect. They’re pretending to have beef because THEIR CHARACTERS have beef. And the fandom is focused on their characters right? So it makes me so sad that we’ve turned even the CHARACTERS into actors.

To be clear I’m not saying you suck if you like making all the servers connected or whatever. We all enjoy what we enjoy! I do see the value in connecting the servers, it seems like it could be fun, but for some reason it’s the majority in fanon and I’m so confused about that cuz it feels more like an au. I just wish there were people I could talk to who don’t connect the servers like that haha. Don’t stop what ur doing tho

[flyingcookierambles]

hm

i think i really hate the term messy. like. ok maybe im terminally online or something but like. idk.

as an afab acearo enby who felt alienated/alone in high school by classmates/friends who had their first kisses and first crushes and stuff, and then as an adult who goes to online queer spaces only to see stuff like “REAL queers are MESSY. we have heartbreaks and yearning and sex to make us human and real queers. all the prudes are repressed and confused and stupid and they just need to have sex with someone to be real queer people. no western culture puritan virgins allowed in our community haha cry virgins and get laid or be a gross neckbread cis man/virgin incel in your mom’s basement  >:D” and im like just standing there like. oh. ok. i guess i’m not a “real human being / queer”. (ngl, i would like the “being a man” part to be true, plus thanks to the awful economy i’ll probably live at home with my mom for the rest of my life wow love it!) i’m just. not interested in irl sex/romance stuff, like fanfic and romance books are ok i guess, i think the right term in aegosexual? im too introverted to go to parties or meet strangers on tinder and have like idk a one night stand or something and lose my chance at being a wizard by 30, plus although i do finally have a drivers license and my sister’s old car, im not that comfortable with driving around, so i have no transportation or anything.

still, its frustrating to see “queer” communities just be like. aphobic (or like whatever the word is for against aromantics as well, unless that just gets rolled into the term aphobic?). allo friendly only. they just dont say it out loud. they just say that “real queers are messy and have great sex all the time” (thats my impression at least)

i dont want ppl to sexualize my body bc its gross and im not on hrt or anything so i just look like a cis woman (ugh even writing that term makes me feel gross now) but i know that thats what ppl judge me at first glance as and i dont want it. tbh even if i were allo, i think that id only want to date other nb/trans ppl (the t4t tag) who hopefully wont judge me for my body. like. maybe if i were allo in some alternate universe, i would only date bi/pan or demi-sexual trans ppl who can understand my body issues and judge me more by personality (or, like, for bi/pan people, they likely enjoy all body types. hopefully. not just. “female” bodies. idk. the t4t tag tho, i enjoy it and am glad i learned about it recently, very helpful 10/10)

ugh i guess. just. as an ace person trying to mind my own business, its annoying to get messages from the crazy jesus freaks that i am a “woman” and i must “have sex” and “have kids” and then get messages from the (allos only but this part is silent) queer community that to be “queer” is to have “sex with strangers bc if you only want to do it with ppl you know/are in love with, youre actually just oppressing yourself with western purity culture and you have to unlearn it right now and jump someones pants or else you wont save yourself from your own oppression” and be “messy” and be “not boring/introverted” and “go to parties and have flings” and “fall in love = human and queer and messy and adult” and “use tinder” or something idk (also disregarding the issues of health/STI risk and/or the risk of pregnancy for afab people + shrinking access to birth control/abortion care. no. just go out. having a casual hookup with someone. dont worry about it, just go lose your virginity you boring loser)

like idk. i dont like loud parties like on all those tv shows of “real messy human lives” like euphoria or whatever. im still a virgin so i guess i’m just an immature boring child who cant talk to people, even tho im a boring tax paying 25 year old temp office worker with ~30k of college student debt. even though i am nb/under the trans umbrella, i guess that im not sexual enough for the queer community. i dont like alcohol since its dumb and expensive and doesnt even taste good. i dont do drugs bc i dont even know where to get them. like. idk maybe i can text one of my former college classmates and ask if i can get weed from him or something. (but like i dont even like the smell, its like a skunk. maybe if the smoking kind like joints only smell bad and the edibles like the brownies or cbd infused foods dont smell i’d try it maybe idk?)(does making my dovakhiin in skyrim buy and drink skooma count?)(does watching game of thrones count? lol (until that horrible dumpster fire of a last season, i dont even have the motivation to watch the house of the dragon plus i dont have hbo max or the computer space to torrent rips of the episodes, i think the 8th season of GOT just made me lose faith in any other GOT media/tv spin offs other than the actual books themselves lol))

like. idk. maybe to the “cool, mature, real adult queers” online im just a silly little confused puriteen cis girl whos just too deep in the western puritan culture (bruh i grew up atheist and, for better or worse, spent my high school years on reddit with “Very Cool Atheists” i am not religious in any way) and “we must save her from the christian brainwashing” and im just cosplaying being “queer” or im not queer enough to be one of the cool “Messy (TM) queers” and “once youre out of high school/tiktok/get freedom from your parents house, you’ll learn better and have great hookup culture/drinking parties in college dorms” (....i am out of college...) and “being human is feeling love and having a good cry after a breakup” (ok guess im a heartless loveless freak like a kingdom hearts enemy lmao???) or “get therapy lol” (i cant afford it nor do i have the time. but tbh i probably have undiagnosed depression or anhedonia or blunted emotions or something. is that Cool enough for you? does having undiagnosed depression make me Messy (TM) enough to be in your Cool Queer Clique with Adult Life Experiences like not being able to afford therapy and having mystery mental illnesses?)

ugh. just. frustrating.

ill cry alone later and go on some depression sub or r/offmychest or r/confessions or something and probably complain again later abt this idk im just like. ugh. saw 1 tweet about how the only way to be queer is to be Messy (TM) and im just like. no. no that doesnt make me feel connected to your community at all. maybe i just shouldnt use the label queer if im not a real enough person with enough of the right kind of Messy Life Experiences (TM) to fit in with your clique and then get up at 5:55 am to get ready to go to my second job/retail shift. you know. since im just a puriteen confused sexless/maidenless little girl. not a boring 25 year old afab non-binary virgin who just wants to chill and play video games and maybe not have existential crises over how boring and dull and drab and poor i am to not be able to afford to go to parties or travel the world/ “haha you dumb puritan american, just go to a different country to see others cultures lulz” (i have no money and also paid time off doesnt exist here + you have to put in time off requests like 2 weeks to a month in advance and i dont even have a passport) and try 80 different kinds of alcohol or not have one night stands with total strangers despite also watching law & order: SUV (yes yes i know its copaganda and therefore Bad) and try to not think about how i, a small and kinda flabby/unfit asian american afab, might be hate crime’d and/or murdered in someones apartment or something (like, even i were allosexual, i know that even within the queer community for allo people like lesbians and bi/pan women (whether cis or trans women or generally feminine leaning ppl) have some qualms with cis gay men community’s hookup culture)(like i think that there was some ad or concept for a dating app and one of the features was just a button that sent your match your exact location via gps. and all the comments and qrts were of afab/feminine gender leaning ppl being like “bro why”)(also thinking of that one tweet of a tiktok of a white cis woman putting some strands of hair in her uber’s car and all the comments were just like “terminal true crime brain rot” which like yeah theres issues with true crime and exploitation and also tiktok brainrot is probably definately a thing but like c’mon man can ppl not ridicule marginalized ppl for 5 seconds. yes, that lady in the tiktok was def white and probably wouldve gotten like 800 news stories about her if she were to disappear, but like if the tiktok were of a bipoc person leaving a finger nail clipping or hair in an uber car, would you have still ridiculed that person having “terminally online true crime brainrot” or would you have sympathized with them? why do reasonable worries get made fun of despite the current hostile sentiments towards bipoc/trans people?)

eh. rambles. frustrations. idk. im gonna finish this stupid book of skywind 2 for this bard relic weapon. as a “not real/queer enough” person to be considered “human”. just a boring gamer boy that lives in his/their mom’s house and has no life i guess.

(i feel that i have to clarify again that this are random frustrations i have and i might private or delete this post at some point idk. but like. idk. i dont care what others do in their private times. i just am annoyed when others views on how my private life should be gets pushed on me, whether it be by right wing religious people being like “when are you getting married to a man/having kids” or by the “Cool Messy Adult Queers”/”Real People” club being like “why havent you lost your virginity yet, youre just oppressing yourself and are a heartless loveless freak, you need to have the exact same experiences that we allos have to be considered a Cool Queer Adult with Adult Experiences or else youre just a baby puriteen” (ah the infantilization thanks as if i dont get that enough with me being a young looking asian american under 5 feet tall and being a “girl” (gag))(wait wow wee golly gee the thought just occurred to me, but am i just oppressing myself by making myself sexless? *gasp* im not enough a Good Enough asian american, what with the transracial adoption issues so i dont “act” asian american and cant speak mandarin/cantonese/Leizhou Min since i dont have anyone to teach me as a child, and the only focusing on study in high school/college and not going to parties at all. im just a sexless good student asian american stereotype and my entire existence is an offensive stereotype and i cant call myself asian american enough or queer enough to be considered part of those communities! *GASP* wow thanks (allos only) queer community for teaching me that i am a truly a failure as a living breathing thing. i cant even call myself human since i dont have enough Messy (TM) Human Experiences (TM) and my love/sex life (the only part of life that matters after all, not that probably undiagnosed mental illnesses of depression or imposter syndrome or other gender/racial identity issues) is just me reading a spicy fanfic or playing DOL (if ya know ya know lol) sometimes and is totally virtual, not attracted/interested in Flesh And Blood Real Life Humans who are Cool and Queer at all, i only enjoy cold lifeless passionless boring dull monochrome digital letters on a screen and thats not Cool or Messy or Real (Life) enough to be the right kind of Queer for your exclusive Queer club or label myself as Queer or Human or Adult. (aces can only be boring emotionless robots stereotype intensifies)(imposter syndrome over racial identity issues intensifies)(oh yeah i am still ace/aro but like if i had to pick a micro-label i did kinda learn abt aego recently and i think its just neat so yoink lol))

so. maybe i shouldnt call myself queer. idk.

Thought that we left this aphobic/let's make fun of any one whether they are a legit minor too young to go party/drink/do recreational drugs or whether they are an adult with financial issues or trapped in a rural/conservative area with no other irl queer friends who can't afford to go to the cool hip queer sex bar/night club like thousands of miles away in the city (ageism/classism/ and metronormativity all in one?/reverse virgin shaming weirdness/ Trauma(TM) fetishization (*insert that sexy depression girl in bed meme pic*) bs back in like 2013 -15 tumblr or whatever. but I guess I was wrong.

(Also shout out to the time when I got a papercut real bad in my college dorm when I was doing homework and my colleges stupid health center/school nurse closed at an early time of night and all they have in the waiting room was a bowl of free condoms but no free bandaid or period care like free pads or tampons iirc. You know. Reasonable stuff that everyone could use not just allos. Had to spy into the hallway of the office and saw a light on in a back office. Banged on the door and was playing loud music from my phone for a guy to come out. Turns out like admin or accounting for the school shared the space with the hallway/office the school nurse was in. Asked the guy if I could have a simple bandage and he said no. Too much health insurance documentation legal stuff to say that one bandage was missing for one single student with a papercut at 8 pm. Had to walk in the dark to CVS to buy my own box of bandaid. While it was a "safe college" neighborhood thankfully nothing happened, it was not a fun time for me as a short and physically weak person waking around alone at night. Still salty over that. So stupid. My college was so weird and dumb sometimes)

Edit: oh yeah remembered that in addition to being aego aro I am also touch adverse. Sure can't wait for the Cool Adults to just ridicule me as a loser lonely repressed virgin brainwashed by the western purity culture robot forever and tell me to just go touch grass or get therapy or something unhelpful and stupid.)

edit edit: its been abt 10 hours now my temper is a bit cooled down. so like to reiterate, i think that i do agree with some of the sentiment in the original original post about queer media being more than just pg fluff and stuff and queer stories can be 18+ and whatever, its just that this one guy’s reply was just. mask off. exclusionary. aces are not queer, aces are straight people. just. uuugh. anyways. a qrt by an ace person and then a thread/conversation with the aphobe who thinks that ace doesnt belong in queer. i think ill block this guy. seriously i thought that we left this ace exclusion in 2015 but i guess not.

editiedit a few more days later even more now that my head is cooled down from the rage mood i was in when i typed this earlier: yes. i agree with this that being sex neutral should be the way. like i said rambling incoherently earlier, i dont like the actual bad slut shaming puritan stuff of conservatives, but again, i dont like the virgin/”youre just a puritan!” shaming that excludes sex repulsed aces, people who have trauma or whatever about sex that prevents them from having sex, disabled people who physically for whatever reason cant have sex, etc., that comes from the mEsSy QuEeR (extroverted party-going allos only put this part is silent) community. putting sex on a pedestal or glorifying it, as one reblog tag on that post says, should not be the answer to slut shaming. its just a thing that some people do and some people don’t. like deciding to eat pizza or not. its a personal choice and i dont agree with shaming people for doing it or peer pressuring people into doing it before they’re ready. i also saw a screenshot of the “sex repulsed aces = puritans. all my ace friends would hand out water bottles at the orgy.” that everyones talking about and like. nooo??? again, this is the virgin shaming/sex repulsed aces/people with disabilities/trauma exclusion that im talking about from the toxic positivity/sex positive group. if people dont want to go to the orgy and hand out water bottles, they just dont want to go to the orgy to hand out water bottles. it does not equal being a “pUrItAn.” (also, do not invite me to hand out water bottles at the orgy, as an introvert and also a person who doesnt want to get covid19, i just dont like parties or large groups of any kind, the only exception being anime conventions with strict vaccine and mask rules.)

editeditedit: also yes

[plan-d-to-i]

I'm seeing around some people saying that Wei Wuxian only helped the Wens because of the debt he owed to WQ and WN. I don't really think like this, but I wanted to know what are your thoughts on this matter. Would WWX had taken such drastic meansures to help the Wens if he didn't owed them a debt? Would he go to the extreme of defecting from his sect and hiding with the Wens in Burail Mounds?

I don't know if I've already sent you this, I tried but I think I did it wrong, I'm not familiar with this app, so sorry lol

No worries! I'm sorry for the delay!! (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) x

So since this fandom is a shitshow I'm going to take a wild guess that the ppl saying Wei Wuxian "onLy helped the Wens because of the debt he owed to WQ and WN" are trying to cast aspersions on his heroism... as if repaying a debt at great personal cost is not already impressive (especially when it's being contrasted with jc's shitty behavior).

We've already seen repeatedly in the story that WWX will prioritize doing the right thing over his comfort and convenience. He did so when he grabbed Su She and was almost pulled down into Biling Lake with him; He did so in the Xuanwu cave when he came to LWJ, JZX.1 and MianMian's help; He did so when he was ready to sacrifice his arm for the wellbeing of Lotus Pier; when he gave jiang cheng his core because the Jiangs made him promise he would take care of him. He didn't have to do any of these things. He did them because he stood by his principles even when it was inconvenient to him. So Wei Wuxian taking drastic measures because he believes in the rightness of what he is doing is not.. new.

So clearly, Wei Wuxian doesn't only act heroically because "he owes someone. Wei Wuxian also doesn't believe repaying one's debts is separable from his morality. If he didn't believe in something he wouldn't do it just because he owes someone:

Wen ZhuLiu, “I can’t fail to repay the debt I owe their generosity.”

Wei WuXian’s expression darkened at once. His voice was harsh as well, “What a joke! Why is it that the debt you owe has to be repaid at the expense of others!”

So while naturally he was grateful to WN and WQ, he didn't help them only for that. He helped them because he knew they were innocent and had been unfairly targeted by Jin Zixun who was abusing his power. Because although revenge is framed as acceptable in universe when it's justified, it's not acceptable when it's indiscriminate; He helped because an injustice had been brought to his attention and because of his humanity and empathy for others.

Most importantly WWX brings up the matter of what the Wens had done for them trying to make jiang cheng understand why helping them is the correct thing to do. Because jiang cheng doesn't understand the concept of doing the right thing just because it's the right thing to do. Because the idea of taking innocent people, including a granny and a toddler, back to their death is fine and dandy to jiang cheng:

However, Wei WuXian clenched his wrist, “Are you joking?! If we return Wen Qing and the others to them, they’d meet nothing but a dead end!”

Jiang Cheng, “I doubt you’ll even return all of them. Why do you care what kind of end they meet? A dead end it is, then—what does it have to do with you?!”

Wei WuXian finally lost his temper, “Jiang Cheng! What- What do you think you’re talking about?! Take it back—don’t make me give you a thrashing! Don’t forget. Who was the one that helped us burn Uncle Jiang’s and Madam Yu’s corpses? Who returned to us the ashes that are in Lotus Pier right now? And who took us in when we were chased after by Wen Chao?!”

Similar to how he later reframes the core transfer to fit jiang cheng's way of thinking...

“How much do you owe my family? Shouldn’t I hate you?! Couldn’t I hate you?! What gives you the right to suddenly make me feel like I should be the one that’s sorry?! What gives you the right to make me feel like some fucking clown after all these years?! What the hell am I?! Do I only deserve to be blinded by your glory, by your light?! Shouldn’t I hate you?!”

...

Wei WuXian continued, “Consider it as my repayment to the Jiang Family.”

Jiang Cheng raised his head and stared at him with swollen, bloodshot eyes. He said in a hoarse voice, “……Repaying my father, my mother, my older sister?”

Wei WuXian massaged his own temples and said, “Forget it. It’s all in the past now. Let’s not mention it anymore.”

Of course jiang cheng only sees debts in terms of what other people should owe HIM and not what he owes others.

WWX also does not take all the Wens at Qiongqi path with him. There are hundreds there. He saves fifty. Those who he knows are part of WN/WQ's group and are therefore innocent of the wholesale wrongdoings of the Wen Clan. - this one goes out to the stans who try to argue that WWX was "protecting the people who burned down Lotus Pier >:-/". Also Lotus Pier didn't burn down that was the Cloud Recesses... so 0 for 0.

Torches were set up on both sides of the valley. The flames flickered now and then within the faint strings of rain, but their blaze nonetheless illuminated the hundreds of heavy silhouettes on the path.

He saved them because, again, it was the right thing. Because he knew they were collateral damage in the cultivation world's anger and hate towards the Wens and the Jins corruption. They weren't hardened combatants, they were:

"Jiang Cheng mocked, “Those sect leaders thought you gathered some leftover forces and crowned yourself king of the hill. So it’s only the old, the weak, the women, and the children.”

[icharchivist]

*slides into your inbox* um. in case it hasn’t been clear I’ve been having a3 thoughts and while that’s nothing new it IS new that I have the motivation to be emotionally devastated by some plays!!! soooo… ginji the wanderer it is. i am sooo hype for a sakyo lead. knew that colead was gonna be juza since there’s been a pattern of getting everyone as lead/colead for the event plays except for the troupe leaders… smart choice imo since the act 2 plays are the leader and rookie right?

watching the play i actually almost thought taichi was the co-lead for a bit! his power of being so damn charming and compelling that he becomes the heart of a autumn's plays i suppose... i'm obsessed with how literally every single autumn play so far has been about a loner that is for sure not a loner. take banri and juza working together and bonding in the roman episode, then omi befriending taichi in the stranger, and then now sakyo with taichi as his follower and also pledging himself towards this yakuza family! it's like... i see u autumn. the slashing noises during the play are so funny. also i think its very cool to have juza play a character thats insecure about his own abilities! i feel like... he projects this air of confidence so well that its actually novel to have him act out something that's a bit closer to his true self! and i liked that banri was like “the mental strain of having to be hyodo’s underling is what’s killing me” um,,, oh,, the underling that he literally welcomes back even after a huge betrayal?? the underlings he swears to protect? like i obviously get his meaning lol but its so funny like. 1) you betray him dude so clearly it was killing mr.underling (i know his name is mogi) in the play and 2) juza / ken likes you. dummy.

gah the poster is soooo good too. like the text and the sword and no glasses sakyo with his kimono improperly worn <3 they know what the ppl want. oh speaking of the costuming i thought it was such a sweet detail that taichi specifically greets yuki when he comes in! and abt sakyo's kimono yuki says “tsuzuru specifically requested it” i imagine it went like tsuzuru: we're using sakyo's sex appeal to get tickets. get that man into a kimono! he knows what the people want. i thought omi was gonna get more of beard though like. that's not even 5 o'clock shadow it's the shadow when u stand right under the sun at noon. yes i understand that 5 o'clock shadow does not refer to the suns position and the shadow it casts but something else entirely. however this is just how i am. citroncore. i was surprised yuki knew how to do makeup tho! didnt remember he could.

loved it when the other troupes ran into their practice particularly homare writing down “crossin’ into my turf” bc sparkle eyes I ALSO write down turns of phrase I like! it was also so nice to see sakoda bc he's so sweet! i love how he has like an absolutely maniacal cackle laugh while all hes saying is omg im gonna watch sakyos play and cheer for him!! also while banri has the absolutely buckwild suggestion of "maybe he got married" i think its funny that hes like well why else would he leave. no other reason. though i cant make fun of him too hard because i was sitting there worried like "they already paid off their debt in full right?? was sakyo planning on leaving once that was done???" oh but speaking of banri i rly felt like he was. he jokes that well at least we wont have to hear him yelling at us anymore and its like. wow dude u are coping so hard. bc he's even the one who most actively reaches out to sakyo by saying that like he can come to him if hes having any big issues or whatever. anyways this whole scene was a real reminder They Are Children. bc juza and banri don't quite look it bc of how they act but They Are. omi's like the only adult, but like about 100% of a3, he has abandonment issues by the mile (seriously. who in a3 Does Not have that) it was so funny when sakyo realized something was wrong and called himself a grandpa that was 10 years older than them. i was like *regina george voice* so you agree? you think you’re a father figure to them?

sakyo: guess i'm a bother figure to them. his convo with izumi was rly illuminating lol. he was very much like. and it's so like... yeah sakyo you think you have to isolate yourself from everyone i get it because you're too different and you'll hurt people when you're near them... juza's exactly like that too, yknow? i really loved that about this event--it really called out the sakyo-juza parallels which i enjoyed, and I think it was definitely like. incredibly About Sakyo, which feels like a smart choice given that juza was highlighted so much during the first autumn play (because sriously, rather than lead and co-lead, his and banri's roles felt pretty even?)

okay onto muku appearing and mentioning kyuchan... i get so hype whenever kumon is mentioned!!! it's like. my boy!!!! wants 3 flyers to he can save one display one and carry around one... i don't know you yet but i love you. juza also thinking abt stopping by the bakery on the train was just. it was so sweet (pun intended) like. juza is just a scary looking 15 year old who thinks about mundane things like let me grab some pastries on the way back and smiles. i also like that it seems like juza's family really loves him because it's like... well sometimes you can have problems even if your family loves you, yknow? im not saying i dont love awful family situations because um. well i absolutely do but its nice, seeing this as well.

i thought juza following sakyo was so funny because like. he's a tall eye-catching teenager that absolutely has never tried to follow anyone or be stealthy in his life considering his history. also i love that hes like. gah. this is totally something banri would do and then goes and does it. also when he was like "wow, that ladys old i didnt know sakyo would date someone that older than him" i immediately was like. ok so thats definitely his mother. you dumbass. i did like how juza is like... so polite to sakyo's mom and like very clearly speaks to her abt sakyo doing theatre and stuff like. it checks out that he'd actually be quite good at that thing. also i felt like a3 was rly accurate in getting that embarrasment of introducing your friends to you parents from sakyo lol. and i loved that sakyo is like "here juza ill buy u dessert and narrate by tragic backstory" and then he has everyone make tea the second time its so funny (also that juza is just chowing down on sweets during it). also the amt of "..." going on in this whole event is so autumn.

but about sakyo's backstory... i got a very clear image of like. a bruised beaten up kid (20 is young enough for SURE) on the verge of collapsing into fever due to the rain just absolutely breaking down and telling his life story. what the hell. like i know sakyo's fine (more fine than before at least) but i cannot imagine the pressure of thinking u are a fuckup for so long and then joining the yakuza to make your mother believe you're less of a fuckup only to have the guilt of being part of it make you feel like EVEN MORE of a fuckup than before... anyways him joining the ginsenkai family rly puts it into perspective like hm. why sakuya feels like he has to respect the play so much and work so hard. though i imagine that is also because this is his first leading role and he wants to really respect mankai's legacy.

like i sort of mentioned before i think it's so well done that juza catches onto sakyo saying "one last time" because that's probably how he was with pushing away muku (and perhaps kumon? i don't know) so it's obvious that he'd be like. hey. be with your family. because that's what juza so obviously does now. and love how he intuitively understands that but then compulsively just admits "yeah banri said he's prefer it if you weren't around to yell at us" like YOU KNEW HE WASN'T SERIOUS WHY IS THAT WHAT U LEAD OFF WITH WHEN SAKYO IS LIKE YOU GUYS PROBABLY HATE ME YELLING...

it's all good though because juza's line of “isn’t that what people call love, or something?” is so worth it. obsessed with this coming from juza "so many repressed feelings" hyodo. also i love how as soon as they come back izumi has learned about the issue and immediately confronts sakyo. she is so funny to me. and again the juza sakyo relationship is sooo good here. sakyo saying “he reminds me so much of myself that I ended up blabbing about everything”... juza talking about how he felt like sakyo was always someone to respect and who was above him but now he realizes that they both struggle with the same thing... like man! sakyo spent this event thinking juza and autumn found him annoying but juza thought he was literally TOO COOL to treat as an equal!

the icebreakers were also so cute. loved the lil generation gap and that izumi knew what they were. taichi leading them works because really. autumn needs him he is rly good at bringing those guys together i think.

the play itself! sakyo sans glasses is a Look ofc and the taichi: wow u almost look like a yakuza ur so scary / sakyo: I AM ONE. made me laugh. yuzo crying because he was so happy to see how sakyo's grown really got to me too like. huh he really has seen sakyo for the last 10 years or something. and i KNOW sakyo slayed that action scene at the end.

i was so worried when juza was like where's kumon? but then he came barrelling in and HE IS SO CUTE. so sweet to juza! love how quickly juza is like you are NOT joining the yakuza. u can tell he's an older brother. now personally i've never had a sibling that liked me that much but I'm willing to believe in it being possible. cannot believe izumi has to ask who he was though like. purple hair yellow eyes who else would it be. the "how’s baseball" question and the "still a bench warmer lets change the subject!" answer tho... eyes emoji. man. realistically high school sports can be so tough like. u have to be there all the time for practice but not getting to play makes it look like you've done nothing at all... i wonder if that's kumon's issue (hes really proud of juza but doesn't feel like he has anything) or it's something else! i'm excited to find out... and he brought cookies! great kid. the "oh! but u don’t have to share with that banri dude if you don’t wanna!" is also so sibling and it's nice to see how :) juza is around him.

the parallel with sakoda hugging sakyo so hard was so sweet! as well as taichi basing his role off of sakoda... yeah. i think framing it against kumon and juza's interaction was a rly good way of showing how important sakoda is to sakyo! onto dinner with the yakuza i loved how taichi was still so :D and how juza and banri are still bickering. these guys do not change for anyone. it was a surprise to see ichiro's sprite pop up! i like his outfit design here especially too.

the "where’s the brat?" has me going…boss’s son… AUTUMN ROOKIE??? AZAMI!!!??? i feel like I’ve heard he hates his dad!! so. hype. also when the boss is like "I didn’t think a theatre troupe would take in a yakuza…" sir u do not know how desperate this troupe was. also they were literally in debt to that yakuza (though, in that case, asking them is even more wild lmao) and the "i wouldn’t want you as my sister. you’re something else to me." sakyo you are so obvious. i love seeing sakyo izumi interactions tho. it always feels like. she has a lot more personality when he’s around? like that first conversation they had when she asked him if anything was wrong was also really good like... it feels like they just rly talk to each other head on? i like it they're cute.

anddd that's abt it for my thoughts! i listened to buzama at the end and i don't have much to say except wow, sakyo and juzas voices go REALLY well together!! so to end this I'll say i looked at the belial design again and realized he was drinking apple juice and i was like "that is so mild what the hell. thats so funny" until i had the epiphany that if he's in a story that involves a character named lucifer then. then is his school au self drinking apple juice as a reference to sin in the garden of eden. thats even funnier if thats the case.

oh my god TWO a3 rambling messages from you in two days? It must be my birthd- wait. BUT I MEAN BY THAT, WHAT A GIFT! i'm so glad aaah it's my pleasure!!! Ginji time!!

under cut as always ;D

And yeap pretty much, act 2 play is leader and rookie, so for the 3rd play you can expect pairing whoever is left in the troupe yeap!

oh my god what you say about Taichi… this is so true. He becomes so damn good sobs. It's funny bc on one hand it can also just justified by "he looks vulnerable so Tsuzuru alway smakes him go through hell to pull the heartstrings" but in the end it's Taichi who pushes through and shine with them!!

Your observation about how every autumn play is about loners who are not fully loner… so real. I didn't notice before so it's such a nice thing to point out thank you!! But yesss Juza's chara fit him so much sobs. This play was really good. DLKFJDKLFJKDFL THE ROAST ON BANRI. BEAUTIFUL. DESERVED.

and GOD YEAH the poster is REALLY GOOD i love it. They sure indeed know what the people want. DLKFJDLKFJLDKFJDFKLJDFKL I love your observation. Yes i love Taichi welcoming Yuki, and Tsuzuru deciding to whoring out the old man right away is a delight. But agreed Omi should have a better bear shh. And no no i think your language analysis is pertinant. Citroncore. I guess Yuki picked up some stuff out of fashion stuff? but yeah, surprising indeed.

Homare is as good as ever and i'm so happy it's more details for you to relate to!! Sakoda has such a nice presence this event too, he's truly adorable and i love him and his stupid laugh so much. Sakyo numba one fan.

oh my gOd you managed to get worried for Sakyo this is so sweet. But yesss totally agree with what you point out, Banri was coping hard and it really does remind that they are children, you shouldn't infantalize them in any way and all but. yeah sobs. Omi is indeed the adult figure aside from him but esp as someone who had to take the "mom" role at a young age he probably just, didn't have a healthy "adult" way to step out and could easily get in his own head about all of this. DLKFJDFLDF THIS IS SO REAL THOUGH Sakyo is out there realizing he's a father but he only sees the "old" factor not the FATHER FACTOR.

(genuinely think that the whole scene from b99 would happen to them one day tho.)

I FUCKING TYPED THAT. BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN AND SAW YOU REFERED TO THE BOTHER FIGURE THING LMAO. But yess you're so right about everything else. I also really love that Juza is the one calling him out since Sakyo did mention that he saw a bit of himself in Juza (and it made him feel bad because Juza never gave up on his dream and Sakyo did). So Juza being the one to call him out, seeing right through him, really drives this point even more home. It was honestly so good. (agreed about the Roman Episode having equal time tho)

WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT KUMON.. YES. YES. BABYBOY. This is the spirit. But yeah i agree i really love Juza's family and how, no matter how rough life is for him, at least home is a safe place. He has support and people he loves, though it adds to the guilt and fear to give them a bad name, but none of them actually blames him. It's just gnhhh i love the Hyodo Sakisaka household so much.

Juza following Sakyo is funny for all you said + the fact that Sakyo, yakuza, didn't fucking notice at first sobs. "banri would do it" says he as he does it is really funny indeed tho. man the meeting with Sakyo's mom was really sweet. I did absolutely love to see Juza bond a bit with her and her getting so sweet with him, he was probably so intimidated and yet. what an angel.

And god yeah. Sakyo's backstory is really pulling the heartstrings alright. He wants to be less of a burden on his mom so much that he's willing to take SO much more burdens than needed on his shoulders it's just man. man!!

god all you summarize brings me back the feelies i'm going to choke up. You're totally right on Juza catching Sakyo's drift and even more calling him out (and throwing Banri under the bus in the process) I LOVe Izumi's reaction too. I love how Izumi is her own character that way, she's just as bonkers as the rest of them. And god man. The dynamic between Juza and Sakyo really is so soft and it's just. so good. man.

Everything after that was so good. The icebreaking scene as you sia,d and the lead up to the play, and the play itself man.

AND WOUHOUUU KUMON!! coming like a storm. He's so damn adorable! And omg yeah i feel you on that. I saw some people poke fun at their dynamic like "how unrealistic that they love each other this much" and i'm just no!!! they're sweet!!! Juza is a sweet boy who takes care of others and his little bro is a baby having to be stopped from following his impulses else he'll probably do something stupid. What else do you expect!! this is genuinely so cute of a dynamic tho sobs. AND YEAH LEGIT IZUMI IT WAS OBVIOUS IZUMI COM'ON. hohoho i'm excited for you getting to see what Kumon's deal is. It is an interesting to catch on about him so do hold on to that but i'll say i adore your keen eye for the Hyodos. It'll be a ton of fun. AND YEAH Kumon, the first ally on the battle against Banri with the war on cookies.

AND GOD YEAH. Sakoda/Taichi/Kumon team up in the future which is just "geeking over Juza and Sakyo" while Sakyo slowly dies of embarassment. But yes!! it really does help framing how much they care about one another.

But YEAH genuinely it still kills me how cosy Mankai is with the Yakuza. Having a Yakuza in the cast is one thing, having an entiere Yakuza family chilling, supporting us, and inviting us to dinners, while the kids can be normal around them? genuinely this boggles me more than the supernatural stuff in the Winter chapter. Like. What is happening. BUT YEAH i love the little cameo from Ichiro. I love when the backstage guys are acknowledged, godspeed.

EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH 8D Love the Brat we exist to cherish the brat. This event does so much to prepare for the rookies. it's so good.

We were desperate. We were not wise. And the Yakuza took us first by saving the theater even OKAY. SAKYOOO HE IS SO OBVIOUS IT'S DISGUSTING. JUST TELL YOUR FEELINGS ALREADY OLD MAN. But i agree yes she does have a very strong personality around him and man their dynamic is really adorable. they're so damn cute. I root for them.

But YEAH Buzama really is SO good. Their voices is so so good.

Thank you so much for your thoughts on the event, it truly was a blast to read through and a pleasure to relive <33 those guys make me all so soft, always and forever.

About Belial, yeAH tHIS IS SO STUPID AND FUNNY. And yeap you nailed it, kind of, there's also the fact that in the actual game Belial is associated to the apple too, this is one of his official art:

He is supposed to be a bit associated to temptation and stuff, one of the quests to get stronger (that is a must do for every player) involves him tempting the player, so yeap! but it's so funny they translated it with him always drinking apple juice in the event

it's also funnier to me knowing that Vyrn, our little dragon friend, is a lover of apple, and i'm pretty sure his face is on the apple juice's box AU!Belial drinks around. I feel like Vyrn is yelling as we speak.

but yeah also in the AU Belial is supposed to be 15yo and every. single. one of us. had a laughing fist about it when it was announced. I remember even some VAs and official cosplayers (bc we have a lot of cosplay shows with official cosplayer/actors) tweeting about how much they had a major whiplash from reading it and had to pause what they were doing for a second. This is so funny to me.

Belial, 15yo, slurping on his apple juice: ah hell welcome to my feast time to start the hedonist. (check the link it won't disappoint! just don't let anyone you're afraid to disappoint eardrops on you.)

This is terrible, but yes. the more you know!

thanks once again for sharing your thoughts it's always a blast <333 take care!

[cantgetoutofmyheda]

Omg can you write a one shot where Lexa is paid by her college peers to write love letters to their gfs/ppl they want to date. So Finn asks her to write for Clarke and it becomes a constant. Until one day clarke goes up to her and says I know its you

OKAY. So this has been sitting in my asks for like a year. There will be a few (but short-ish) parts to this. And before anyone asks, this is not based off of “The Half of It” ... but here ya go.

---

Letters

PART 1

It was Polis Record’s fault. Lexa’s atrocious week was definitely Polis Record’s fault. Had Titus not been a complete asshat of a manager and dicked the schedule around, Lexa certainly wouldn’t be having this predicament. Had Lexa’s hours not have been cut back, she wouldn’t be where she was. Had Lexa not known that her next paycheck would be half of what it normally was, she wouldn’t be writing a fake love letter to the devastatingly beautiful girl in her Astronomy class. Had Finn Collins not offered her cash to do so, she wouldn’t be writing this letter on his behalf, even though she was the one that’s had an earth-shattering crush on the recipient ever since their Freshmen orientation, four long years ago.

Let’s rewind.

“Titus, are you kidding me?” Lexa huffed at the bald-headed man who was scurrying around the break room like a headless chicken. “You did what?”

“Lexa, listen,” he tried to calm her down. “The schedule will be back to normal before you know it. I had to hire her. There wasn’t another way around it.”

She was mad. No. More than mad, “There was. But you just didn’t have the balls to tell your mistress’ best friend that you already had a full roster of people on your fucking schedule.”

“Can you keep it down!” He hissed. “This is temporary. I’m sorry. I couldn’t dock my cousin, okay? The schedule will even itself back out. You’ll be back to selling these shitty, scratched up vinyls in no time. Ride it out for two weeks, it won’t kill you.”

What he didn’t realize was that two weeks of half-pay because of shitty scheduling could actually kill her. He just didn’t realize that. There was the pressure of doing well in school, that was one thing. But there was also the pressure of doing well enough to keep her GPA high enough to keep her partial scholarship. And then the pressure of her shitty part-time job at the local record store to help make early payments to her student loans so she wouldn’t have to worry about crippling herself into debt once she figured out what to do with a fucking degree in Geology.

“Two weeks,” she warned him as she started to storm out. “This better be fixed in two weeks, Titus.”

Spoiler alert: Two weeks had come and gone, and Lexa was still screwed off of her work schedule.

“C’mon,” Finn pleaded at Lexa’s side. He had managed to weasel his way into the vestibule of Lexa’s apartment building. “I took that writing class with you last year. I know you’re good. I just need one letter. Typed. That’s it.”

She was already on the verge of a massive outburst after her conversation with Titus. The dickwad that he was, managed to screw her hours up for another week, even though he promised he wouldn’t, “This is not a good time, Finn. Seriously.”

“$200.” He stood tall in front of her. “$200 in cash right now, and all you need to do is type up a page of words that will have her vaguely interested in the person who wrote it, and that’s it. $200 right now. If you do this, then I’ll never bother you for anything again.” He scratched the back of his neck, “Listen, I just need a good way in. I can take the rest from there, okay?”

$200 was enough to cover a good portion of what she would be missing out on for the week. $200 was enough to get by. $200 was enough to get her mind to start churning.

“$300 and it’s a deal,” she tried to match his height. She straightened her back and broadened her shoulders as far as she could.

He laughed at the request, “You’ve gotta be shitting me.”

“You’re the one that needs me,” she reminded me.

He let out a huff and pulled another Benjamin out of his leather wallet and clumped it with the other two. “Fine,” he shook his head as he handed her the wad of cash.

Lexa nodded as she took the money. She buried the pang of guilt she felt into her pocket, alongside the earnings she just made and was ready to make way up the two flights of stairs when she felt Finn grab her arm.

“Hey,” he called out. “Wait a sec. I started a letter already, but didn’t get very far. You can just go off of this,” he handed her a folded piece of paper.

She opened it and read it aloud, “Have you ever felt like you couldn’t breathe? Like the weight of everything you’ve been carrying has amounted to this one moment in your life? Like there’s this burden placed so heavy on your chest that has left your lungs struggling for any ounce of air?”

Finn nodded as the words poured out of Lexa’s mouth. He was more than proud of what he thought was eloquently poetic. Lexa’s look of confusion went missed by him as he crossed his arms over his chest, “Pretty good, right?”

“Finn,” she deadpanned. “It sounds like you just described having the fucking Spanish Flu. I’m not using this. You sound like a serial killer.”

“What?” he yelped. “It’s poetic!”

“It’s a terrifying beginning to what’s supposed to be a love letter,” she deadpanned again. She shook her head as she finally made her way to the flight of stairs, “Give me a few days, I’ll come up with what we need.”

He rolled his eyes, “Fine. But you better make it good.”

She made it good. She made it really fucking good.

Clarke ran her fingertips over the paper as she scanned the words again. She had no idea who had left it for her—she walked into the lecture hall a few minutes early, as she normally did, and saw an envelope pinned to the corkboard with “Clarke” scribbled on it. She looked around, wanted to see if anyone in particular was looking in her direction. It was the usual suspects that always got to class a little bit early. Monty, the one who was always quiet in class but loudest at the neighborhood bar during happy hour. Echo, the girl who always sat in the back row and snoozed as soon as the professor opened her mouth. Finn, the boy who always found a way to have an uncalled for argument with the professor. Lexa, the one who was always in the front row and tended to herself.

Not a single one of them was paying her a piece of mind, so she let her eyes scan the letter one last time before the room filled up.

Clarke,

I was sitting on the lawn behind the library catching up on reading for a class last week. I was skimming through Voltaire’s words:

“Sensual pleasure passes and vanishes, but the friendship between us, the mutual confidence, the delight of the heart, the enchantment of the soul, these things do not perish and can never be destroyed.”

This particular passage struck a chord with me, and it was mostly because when I looked up after reading it, I immediately saw you consoling who I’d assume to be a friend of yours. I’m not sure what had happened, but she looked like she was crying and you showed up with a blanket to sit on, a bowl of fresh fruit, and sat with her and listened intently while she spoke. It was life imitating art, right before my eyes.

Voltaire’s writing is mostly straight and to the point. It isn’t hard to decipher the messages he often tries to relay, but it was most certainly a breath of fresh air to finish that passage to find a parallel to present day. Your actions on that lawn helped me see things a little clearer.

I suppose I just wanted to thank you for that. SO, thank you for being the catalyst for making something in my brain click.

Before I close this letter off, I do have a question for you. And if you feel so inclined to indulge and answer it, you can drop it back into the envelope where you found this one and pin it back to the board.

Has anything happened to you recently that struck a chord? Something that stood out to you, but you haven’t had a chance to dive deeper into it? I’d like to know.

Enjoy your week, Clarke.

Upon tucking the printed note under her laptop, she took another look around the hall, which was now practically full. She moved her computer to the side and pulled a notepad out of her bag. The professor had started her lecture, but Clarke’s mind wandered from the images pulled up on the projector from the Spritzer space telescope as her pen started to move across the page.

Hello,

I believe you’re at an unfair advantage here. You know my name. You know what I look like. Yet I have absolutely no idea who you are. So if you write back to this, I’m hoping you’ll share some insight on the person behind the pen (or keyboard, in your instance).

I’m happy that the interaction you saw helped bring better insight into what you were working on. Coincidentally, the friend that I was with when you saw me is also reading a Voltaire piece for an assignment. I wonder if you’re in the same class?

She’s taking “Romance Studies” as an elective. I tried to convince her that there was no point harping on what was considered to be “romantic” through archaic literary pieces that are now long gone, and replaced with mediocre-at-best Netflix series about teenage love.

It always seemed that with the way things were going in our lifetime… that all “romance” really was, was when two people swiped right on Tinder.

With that said… I guess I can honestly say that your letter is what struck a chord with me. Especially after freshly coming out of that conversation with my friend.

I don’t want to be presumptuous. But it seems that this gesture of yours, whether it was meant to be platonic, or if it was meant to imply a sense of something more, is making me realize that maybe—just maybe—the practice of sharing words on a page isn’t so archaic after all.

-Clarke

She was happy with the end result of what was hurriedly committed to the page. Clarke quickly tore it from her notebook and tucked the loose piece of paper back into the envelope. She scanned her fellow students to see if anyone was watching her. She slunk further into her seat and wondered if the recipient was there, sitting in that very room. Unfortunately for her, the lecture that was being given on the Nebular Theory kept the attention of every other person in the hall, so she quickly reached for her computer to start typing notes on the theory’s premise of how every planet in the system was formed.

A tedious hour later, her fellow classmates started packing up and rushed towards the exit door. Clarke took her time shutting her computer down and tucking things away into her bag. She was suddenly aware that the person who wrote to her—the person she now wrote to—could be in the room watching her to see if she had a written response back.

She waited a few more minutes, and finally deemed it safe when the last few people in the room seemed to be chatting with one another or finishing up straightening their notes from the lecture. With a big exhale, she pinned the envelope back onto the board and made a swift exit.

Lexa felt a tap to her shoulder, which caused her to look up, “What do you want?”

“I think it worked. She put the envelope back!” the excitement in Finn’s face didn’t go unnoticed.

“Okay,” Lexa lowered her head to finish writing out her notes from the class. “Job’s done.”

“I’m gonna go get it so we can read it and figure out what to do next,” he giddily let out before darting out of Lexa’s peripheral.

She let out a sigh of distaste when he came back half a minute later and pulled a chair close to where she was sitting. “Finn, you said one letter. I did it. This is on you now. And if you don’t mind, I need to finish up here,” she raised her hand, showing she was still trying to get some of her notes done.

“Fine, suit yourself,” he propped his feet onto the table in front of them while he silently read Clarke’s reply. “Hmm, Voltaire?”

The author’s name caught Lexa’s attention. She suddenly looked up to where he was sitting, “What about him?”

“I don’t know. Clarke said something about him. That’s the bad dude from Harry Potter, right?” Finn brought his attention back to the letter. “What did our letter even say? You never even showed me.”

He handed Lexa the notebook page with loopy and wide writing on it. The edges were jagged, as if Clarke did the whole thing in haste.

“What do you want me to do with that?” Lexa eyed the piece of paper.

“Read it and let me know if you think she likes me,” Finn shrugged. “But also, why didn’t you put my number or something on it?”

“Because it’ll probably take more than one letter for her to even be open to the idea of you,” Lexa chided in her reply. She let her eyes quickly scan the girlish handwriting and folded the paper back up. “She’s definitely intrigued.”

Finn finally set his feet on the floor as he leaned forward and rubbed his hands together, “Okay, great! So what do we do now?”

“We,” Lexa pointed her pen between the two of them. “Do nothing. You can write another letter and see if she wants anything to do with you, Finn.”

“C’mon,” he nudged her shoulder. “I’ll pay ya for another one. Another $300. But we need an exit plan for when we move this from letters to texting or something.”

“Her reply literally just said that we’ve opened the idea to her that letters are romantic,” Lexa shook her head. “Your take on that was to immediately turn this to a texting conversation?”

He grabbed the letter from Lexa, “What? Where’d she said that? It doesn’t say that, Lexa.” He scratched his head.

Lexa let out a defeated sigh, “Finn. She literally said something like, ‘maybe the practice of sharing words on a page isn’t so archaic’ or something. Did we not just read the same piece of paper?”

“See, Lexa,” he smiled as he patted her shoulder. “This is why I need you. Just one or two more. Same price per letter. I just need a little more help and then I’ll be outta your hair. Promise.”

She took her palm to her forehead and rubbed her thumb into her temple. One more wouldn’t hurt. Mostly because the $300 definitely wouldn’t hurt.

“Fine,” she finally let out. “One more. Give me her letter back. I’ll have our reply ready for this same class next week.”

“Excellent,” he grinned as he handed the piece of paper over to her. “You’re a lifesaver, Lexa.”

She felt anything but that. But at least it meant she’d be able to get by for the next week or two, while Titus still screwed around with her hours at the record store.

[indigosprite]

Hibari Headcanons

that nobody asked for

He likes small animals but not your usual small animals. (The way he kicked uri out in the future instead of letting the cat stay 😭) I.e he’d pick a sugar glider over a guinea pig

He hates crowds because he still hates the fact that when he was still learning to be sociable kids had the power of alienating him. He despises that group mindset that children had. In kindergarten some kids invited him to play then told him to get lost and nobody stood up for him. He has one intrusive thought and it’s that feeling. He genuinely hates crowds because it feels like an opportunity for people to get to decide who isn’t welcomed. He lowkey doesn’t want to witness that moment to happen to anyone else.

His overthinking only stops when he’s alone so he genuinely does prefer it. He doesn’t mind one or two people in an intimate setting but when it’s more he wants to disconnect.

He’s all about repaying debts quickly I think he takes this on an emotional level too so he feels if you get too close or kind he has to return that by being transparent as well and he knows he’s bad at it so he just stops you altogether by not letting you even create that environment around him. I.e in the future he’s fine in the hospital room then more people come and he warns Tsuna then beats his ass because it was getting too emotional seeing ppl visit chrome when he just wanted to check on her from afar and not hear everyone’s emotions.

He takes pictures of random things , like a leaf with water droplets, clouds from Nami middles roof , his sneakers when he’s walking. They’re not amazing but he just always does it and never shares. It’s kind of grunge but unintentionally.

He has a knack for throw blankets. He has one in every room they’re mostly black white or purple no designs except for the ones from his grandparents.

If you have ever watched Saiki k I think he has the exact same relationship with his parents. If you haven’t : he’s serious and reserved and willingly antisocial but not because of trauma and his parents are so normal and caring it’s funny in contrast. But they’re a tad bit more refined than saikis.

He was partly raised by his grandparents when he was much younger and that’s why he really loves tradition and order while his parents are hardly as strict.

His grandfather was probably a vet who joined solely to protect Namimori . Hibari has that same love for the town because of him but like his grandfather he’s in no way patriotic. They both just love this town He thinks of his grandfather when he thinks of Namimori and because he is gone now he latches on to the town even more.

His grandfather is Fon. Hear me out. Fon could have been around 40 when he was cursed , could’ve had a son young (18) but it was fine because he was a very well respected champion. The Hibaris had money and as long as he was a positive image in his career field they wouldn’t mind what he did although their lineage is that of leaders and scholars. He stopped for a bit to go into the army and when he came back he stumbles upon the mafia . His son grows up to also have a kid young Fon and his wife watch after Hibari until he’s around 7 while his son and daughter in law work extremely hard to get established in their career paths. They come back and one day Fon just vanished bc he’s cursed and hibaris dad knows he was in the mafia so he just doesn’t dwell on what might have happened but doesn’t share because he didn’t want to pain him as a bad guy to his son but they’re all pretty upset about it.

Fon taught hibari how to fight , that’s why he has his grandfathers disposition and tenacity although it’s a tad immature in comparison. Fon tells him his style will be what he picks and hibari randomly picks tonfas as his weapon. Fon has it in his house because although he uses no weapons he’s fond of their history. Fon gets him a pair of silver ones.

He’s not the brightest, he’s not as terrible as Tsuna and Yamamoto but he’s average academically. He’s not interested in excelling academically and getting a painfully respectable job like doctor lawyer or something in business. And I think his air of nonchalant attitude can only come from a trust fund kid who’s parents don’t expect them to be their carbon copy.

He literally gets himself held back just to stick around a middle school he likes and nobody objects or is worried about his future. It’s definitely secured.

He really doesn’t care about the disciplinary committee members because he didn’t mean to form it. Students have a love hate relationship with him. He was just some scary strong guy who happened to beat up the right people who were pests and they thought he did it for the good of everyone. But they realized too late that it’s really just who irritates him and that sometimes coincides with their best interest so they let it be because he’s a comforting and unsettling presence to have. Like even Tsuna acknowledges this despite being terrified of him most the time he’s always like “wait Hibari will handle it”

He likes that he has disciples because it’s a crowd he’s apart of and is the center of but doesn’t have to be too close and nobody can kick him out or make him feel unwanted.

His parents actually like that he’s respected (oblivious to the fear) as the leader of this club around town because their family is known for strong leadership and he’s applied it to what he wanted.

He likes hamburger steak because when his parents came back his mom liked to test American recipes once she moved back to Japan. This was the only one he really liked enough to ask for again

He can’t cook. At all. Hopeless. Would burn water.

He would kill you for a well made dessert. They put him in a good mood but he’s a weirdo that doesn’t like rewarding himself so it has to be a gift or offered.

He actually likes band t shirts ripped jeans boots and all of that but hardly wears it out because he finds he likes being in his uniform more.

He’s a good boxer because everyone seems to forget he won a BOXING match for royhei. Hello he couldn’t use tonfas he actually had to punch ppl. Yeah he’s strong but that’s a style of fighting he definitely learned from Fon.

He jogs on a private trail around his families property, sometimes his father joins him.

His parents know him really well. He’s not a difficult kid to them. they’re the only ones he answers to but even then they raised him to be independent so they’re not that authoritative over him.

He has a hard time listening to them because he thinks they leave him to govern himself too much and shouldn’t only get a say sometimes.

They feel bad about leaving him to his grandparents for so long but his mother says she’ll never regret making sure their lives were better for him.

They have a good relationship give or take a few problems stemming from their separation from him.

He can draw really well. I don’t know why. But he just does. He does it often on random papers his only collection being a small box his mother keeps of them. He hates when she saves them.

He’s the baby of his entire family but his father is on the higher end of his family and same with his mother for hers so everyone is always asking to see him but he refuses to leave Namimori for longer than a day or two.

He has a sister. Idk. I just feel he has a sibling that’s either way older or a toddler that spends time on trips with their mother because she doesn’t have school yet.

He watches horror movies with his parents a lot. But they have to be psychological thrillers and he always has to fight his dad with his mom on what everything meant.

He’s spoiled. He’s nonchalant about everything but when it comes down to it he is a trust fund baby who would have been sent to a nice private high school abroad.

He has been arrested but his father being his father makes an arrangement with the police force in Nami where he’s just his own independent junior division. It would explain why the people in his committee look significantly older than him sometimes😭.

Tetsyua has always been the only member who’s name he learned because he doesn’t disappoint him. He is to him what Shoichi was to Byakuran , competent in other areas and capable of surprising him. And he never made Hibari feel like he had to say anything to him for that hibari considers him to be a good friend.

Tetsu and Ryohei are the only people he finds familiar and respectable enough to converse with like a normal fucking teenager 😭.

Royhei is loud but he doesn’t mind him because the boy is ALWAYS alone training. And like him he doesn’t backdown from a fight , also he causes no trouble at school.

He hangs out with him more than you’d think but he never initiates it or stops it.

Hibari lets Royhei use his private trail to jog sometimes. His parents know the sasagawa kids well because of this, they get invited to dinner a lot.

He likes kyoko better because she’s like a quieter Royhei but just as kind and determined. He tries to be nice to her by greeting her from them to time but stops because she popular and it draws attention and annoying rumors.

She says he really hates crowds and understands how nosy people in their grade are and says it’s okay if he doesn’t wave back sometimes. She assumes he’s actually extremely shy and misunderstood. (Sis he’s just a delinquent)

It’s platonic but he actually fond of her and is nice to her and they text from time to time. She’s the only one who knows to give him sweets because they talk about them.

He tries to get revenge on Mukuro for making him associate something he actually liked enough to go view (Sakura) with humiliation and anger that he tries to return the favor. The bastard loves nothing that much so he’s still thinking.

His parents think some girl broke up with him at a Sakura filled place and that’s why he suddenly hates it. He won’t explain they’re wrong because it’s better than the real story.

He’s a history buff , but a world history buff not just Japan.

He has an admirable garden that he tends to and sells half the vegetables his chef only cooks for three and doesn’t need that many.

He likes the snow he thinks it’s calming when everyone stays home in their house while outside is cold and harsh but pretty. He makes his parents special hot chocolate on days like that. They let him drink hot wine sometimes but only a sip or two.

He’s bilingual because his parents taught him Italian when he was younger after they had come back. They also taught him a little English.

He watches a lot of American media and listens to their music as well.

On his birthday he never goes out because it’s a holiday and more people are out than usual so his family has a dinner for him and get him gifts.

His mother gives more thoughtful gifts that he appreciates later while his father indulges him and gets him stuff like a popular manga series or a meeting to upgrade his tonfas again or clothing he really likes.

[skin-slave]

I love the ppl who think if someone doesn't die dramatically right in front of them, gasping for breath, then they didn't die. 60% of ppl die at home, Marvin. And the second most popular place to die is a hospital. And then the bodies go to a morgue or funeral home or refrigerated trailer or crematorium or mass grave on Potter's Field. The bodies aren't stacked in the streets bc that's not how we do things, ya walnut.

C19 is not "just like the flu," and I can't believe this is still a conversation anyone is having. The 18/19 flu season claimed 34,157 lives in the US, and we're currently up to 132,000 for C19. We've had 2.93 million confirmed cases of C19, vs 35.5 million symptomatic flu cases last season. According to my calculator, that means a 4.5% death rate for C19 and a .096% death rate for the flu. So we've had 4x the number of confirmed deaths, and a symptomatic person with C19 is almost 47x more likely to die than a person with last year's flu strains. How is this comparison still being made? Just stop. The horse is dead.

Laying next to it is the Death Counts Only horse. Bc C19 is not a coin that lands on either death or the sniffles. It's a spinner and there are all kinds of prizes that matter just as much, and maybe more. Some ppl end up needing lung transplants. Some have permenant lung damage that is closer to COPD. Some have neurological issues, either from the virus passing the blood/brain barrier and wreaking havoc, or from a stroke. Some have autoimmune issues. Some are sick for months and lose their jobs. And anyone who sees any kind of treatment gets a 'Merika-sized medical bill. That alone is a serious issue, especially since the hardest-hit demographics are already poor. All of those ppl are (eventually) counted as "recovered." The idea that "recovered" means "all better, no big deal," is wrong. "Recovered" can mean unemployment, organ failure, permenant disability, chronic illness, and massive debt. Those are also things that matter.

You do not know if you're an asymptomatic carrier. That's what asymptomatic means. Like the guy who comes to work and says his kids are sick, and he's not sick at all, but then Sara in reception gets sick with the same thing. Maybe you're not the guy. But maybe you are. And unless you're getting a swab jammed up your nose, you'll never know. So taking precautions is the responsible, mature thing to do.

Social distancing and masks are both necessary bc they don't have the same results. Masks keep your spit at your face. Social distancing keeps your spit from contacting someone before it settles. Social distancing is great on a walk down the street. Your spit doesn't touch anyone before it drops, and it drops on the curb, in the sun, where no one is gonna touch it while it's still viable. Masks are for close quarters, where social distancing isn't possible, and communal spaces. Even if you could social distance in the grocery store, your spit is settling on objects inside of that 6' bubble. Groceries. Your spit is landing on groceries, that someone is gonna touch and take home. That's pretty gross to think about, even when the bugs going around are ones our bodies have seen before and are fairly ready to fight off. But that's not what we're worried about rn. So keep your spit to yourself.

And yes, masks help keep your spit to yourself. Pull your t-shirt over your mouth and exhale. Humid, right? That's your spit, baby. Every little droplet that you feel is a droplet not going out into the room. And that means the stuff inside the droplet is staying put, too. (And no, keeping your spit to yourself doesn't make you sick. You can't give yourself an illness you don't already have, bud.) See, viruses are smaller than the weave of fabrics. So are lots of yeast spores and bacteria. But they aren't floating out of your face on little Mary Poppins umbrellas. They're inside droplets of spit. The more spit you keep, the more bugs you keep. Is it 100%? No. Nothing short of a hermetically sealed plastic bubble would be. But it is better than not controlling your spit at all. "All or nothing" is for kids.

"Every man for himself" is for kids. "If I don't see it, it doesn't exist" is for kids. "Not touching you, can't get mad" is for kids. "I'm not doing it just bc you're making me" is for kids. "Haha, look at the scaredy-cat" is for kids. Don't insult yourself by pretending you don't know any better. Put on your grown-up pants and a mask.

[transrightsjimin]

more ranting abt welfare benefits hell

sorry for whining so much abt income on here, i know it should just be easy nd solveable by applying more for jobs, but the literal issue is that i have no skills or confidence (latter is according to my friend, but the way i cant envision handling any jobs well is jst the truth??) nd still havent gotten any help from the municipality w getting consulted by someone w more knowledge on the job market nd maybe being pushed to take on shitty jobs that at least perhaps pay better than mail delivery. it’s jst so frustrating how i requested welfare benefits over 4 months ago but it only counted since 3 months ago bc they kept fucking up w the requests, promised a payback for the lost month, but didnt, i believe?? now december we got nothing nd probably also january bc our ‘income was too high‘ for the minimum.

uh i side tracked nd forgot where i was going before, but i meant to say tht HALF A YEAR AGO i also requested help w getting help w jobs but bc bureaucratic bullshit it took until DECEMBER to get the help approved. and they would get me a contact person ‘surely before christmas, don’t worry!‘ and then they didn’t and replied they hadn’t forgotten about me and will surely help soon and i’m just. so fucking anxious about this all??

my parents help me financially w cash they gave (nd some of which came from my grandmas) (nd no im not happy w that bc one of them is doing worse financially but still wants to give it away, nd the other is dead nd my uncle gave her left over money to family which feels ironic bc hes a millionaire but only gives a bit from his dead mom??) so that i can buy groceries bc me and my friend’s paychecks + welfare benefits can only cover rent + food and so not also other bills such as for healthcare that i have to make payment plans for. and even w help w groceries i still end up in the negatives, especially last month bc we ‘made too much‘ to receive something. i dont even dare to sell clothing or anything online for money bc that’d only mean ‘income from hobbies’ they could see i have and thus more reason to get stripped from this too.

and that is just the whole issue!! the municipality runs all these checks and forms and calls and appointments and documents you need to hand in, but there is NO calculation determining what you actually need. instead, based on the type of household, we were categorized as fiscal partners without children who receive the benefits together and thus we receive benefits (in the months that we do) to add it up to the ‘living minimum‘ €1500 in total. this amount does not cover our actual expenses, nor does this match inflation or how social housing has been broken down as a system and that real estate owners can increase rent prices as much as they want. there is a monthly grant that tenants could receive for renting a home, but only if it is an apartment AND below 752,33 euros per month (which is when it is considered social housing, above that it’s the ‘free market‘), and that is just virtually impossible?? but we were not once asked if we can actually pay anything and the people meant to help us w benefits just don’t fucking get flex work contracts or how our income over a certain month is received way later in the month after that. like they have a stable job and just dont fucking get that it is not designed well for us.

i think my anxiety over this issue has gotten worse ever since the news came out that a dutch woman on benefits got a €7000 fine because her mom did groceries for her and that’s considered fraud??!! she couldn’t afford food so her mom bought groceries for her but that is also considered financial compensation and thus she got this huge fine, which she probably cannot afford and the fucked up thing w fines from institutions is that they ask interest over it if you don’t pay it in time or enough of it, and give more fines and even charge fees for something like you receiving a letter and they’re just free to pull this shit bc it’s a for-profit business. and that’s how ppl end up w debt and huge loans. it’s just so infuriating nd i really dont want a fine or lose the right to benefits. even though i prob wont get it for a while bc of my friend’s job that tends to make our incomes together reach just the ‘living minimum‘. i have this bill of €250 for adhd diagnosis, then monthly bills for meds that are €76 of which i can receive most back and ‘only’ need to pay €25 from it, then theres an orthodentist bill of around €92 bc i forget this insurance company still counts from back when i was w it the first time nd orthodontist stuff gets insured up to €1000 and that amount was used up like 10 years ago nd they still count like that despite me having had a different insurer in between.

i just need a stupid fcking job nd i hate to whine abt this bc theres so many ppl in much worse situations who ‘take initiative‘ nd start looking for jobs, but AGAIN  i have no ‘basic’ skills like being able to listen and understand words well nd fast or show the right facial expressions or have good memory or dexterity or be able to answer difficult questions or focus on reading etc etc, nor do i i have an idea what job i should or could do.like i fcking need an income, moreover i need a break, im in this fcking burnout since like 2013 and in depression since at least 2004 lmfao but it’s never been recognized as bad enough by specialists bc im not suicidal, but it’s also not good to the point where i ever know if i felt ok. also just. i feel like i did use to have a bit more confidence in myself in high school but it all got sucked out of me in art college (bc horribly bigoted teachers + students and being taught that drawing well is in fact not at all important in the domestic market but rather being INNOVATIVE and NETWORKING and also COPYING is the way to success!! like not kidding, thats what teachers told us) nd by my parents (bc i became older nd didnt spontaneously do all these chores or jobs despite having no fcking clue how bc they never taught stuff). like i just dont know how ppl live comfortably w themselves and know what its like to be themselves nd not feel bad nd anxious abt everything

[taleslations]

ToX2 behind-the-scenes info

People have been wondering about the decisions behind Xillia 2’s creation, so I have compiled information found in guides and interviews. No straight-up translation because that’s too tedious, just an info dump.

X1&2 Spoilers below.

From the Complete Guide interviews

Producer & Director – Baba & Anabuki

[Note: Anabuki worked on S, A and V’s development. He was the main planner for V 360 and did some directing for the PS3 ver. He was part of the battle system team in X1, and became the director for X2.]

Reasons for making a sequel

·         Fans had often said they wanted sequels in past questionnaires

·         Xillia was the 15th anniversary and they’d created a very detailed setting they wanted to re-explore

·         Wanted to expand on Elympios with an Elympion main character

·         Felt it was a waste to use the characters in only one game

·         Feels it kind of started when people said it would be fun to play as Gaius and Muzét

On what changed and what didn’t

·         They wanted to keep the old characters

·         Since the setting was more or less the same (tho with more focus on Elympios), they decided to build the game’s identity on its mechanics (see below)

·         Game mechanics changed a lot, with the introduction of the debt system, fixed parties, chromatus ability and choices

·         Setting is more modern

How the debt system came to be

·         Because ppl Ludger’s age worry about money

·         They wanted to have Ludger burdened by something

·         20,000,000 gald bc that’s the kind of sum that modern day salarymen could borrow. It’s a huge sum but not impossible to pay back if you work hard

The choice system

·         Because part of being an adult is making choices

·         Sometimes there are choices you don’t want to make but you have to (exemplified by having to destroy fractured dimensions)

Okumura as main character designer

·         Because since this wasn’t a game with two protagonists, they couldn’t ask both Fujishima and Inomata like last time

·         Since Ludger’s kind of a player self-insert, his design would be tricky, so it’d be easier with someone from within the studio

·         Okumura’s been working on Tales designs since Eternia (mainly for minor character) and his talent shone when he designed the Chimeriad, so they weren’t worried

Why the heroine is 8

·         They wanted her to be someone you’d strongly want to protect (working toward the last choice)

·         It wouldn’t work if it was a strong heroine who fought alongside you like in past titles

·         Yamamoto wanted her to be a girl because “I’d want to protect a little girl more than a little boy”

·         If she can’t participate in battles, it’s easier to remove her from the party for plot reasons (can’t have a fighting heroine kidnapped by the last boss for gameplay reasons)

·         (When she’s out of the party) Wanted to make players feel her absence in anticipation to the last choice

On Ludger’s various fighting styles

·         Baba wanted a sort of style shift like in Graces

·         Since he was a new protagonist, they wanted to introduce something that wasn’t in the original Xillia

·         Chromatus was Anabuki’s idea, because he likes transformations

·         People who played the first game probably have attachment to the old characters, but since Ludger’s the protag here, they wanted to make him stand out more

·         Staff got angry at Baba because that meant they basically had to program three characters in one XD

On Ludger’s silence

·         They wanted him to be a self-insert to the player

·         Plus it makes the one scene where he speaks more meaningful

·         They added the voiced lines option as NG+ bonus for those who like voices

·         Reason they didn’t make that option available on first playthrough was they wanted to get their message across/wanted players to see what they were aiming for, which wouldn’t be possible if players could skip the voiceless aspect from the start

About Gaius and Muzét

·         It was hard to include Gaius because he’s supposed to be super strong

·         Also because he’s the type to handle things himself before the protag has a chance to. But since this was Ludger’s story, they had to sideline him

·         They wanted to give him an ability like Vesperia’s fatal strikes, but that would make him too strong, so they had to tone it down

·         Muzét’s a good middle-range character. She’s weak if you get past her guard, so she has the ability to move out of range quickly

About the endings

·         The first scenario they came up with was the one where Ludger disappears, but since they implemented the choice system they wanted the game to have an important choice at the end, hence the creation of other endings

Discarded ideas

·         Fractured Milla with short hair (discarded because they didn’t want ppl to realize immediately from promotion images that she was a different Milla, and also bc they didn’t think Milla was the type to cut her hair short since she doesn’t care much about her appearance)

·         Otoh, something they hadn’t planned on: character models. They were originally just a way for the motion team to test things, but since it was fun they decided to include it in the game

Any chance for another sequel or anime adaptation?

·         Nope on sequel, as they think that world’s story is over

·         They’d like an anime or other media adaptations, but there’s no plans for it

 Battle team – Fukuie, Yamase & Takizawa

[Fukuie was responsible for battle planning, various mechanics and linked artes; Yamase was the battle programmer (worked on Ludger’s artes and on mystic artes in particular); and Takizawa was battle program support (enemy artes and mystic artes, effects etc)]

What was kept from the original and what’s new

·         Linked artes were an essential part of the original so it was kept. They thought of modifying it but since it was popular they decided not to and simply make it easier to use

·         They gave spellcasters some more melee artes

Anabuki’s influence

·         Anabuki wanted more event battles so they added a lot

·         He’s also responsible for having them end the final fight with a mystic arte & cut-in

Ludger

·         They made bosses stronger because Ludger is really powerful

·         Elite monsters weak spots were inspired by Vesperia’s secret missions system

·         Implementing Ludger’s three fighting styles was apparently tricky with the tight schedule they had, so they asked for something else, but they went back to the first idea eventually

·         Example of other idea: giving him the fighting styles of the old characters. But that would cause problems if they simply copied the motions (they cited Elize’s posture, which would look weird on Ludger)

·         The scenario team asked that Ludger use both hands for each weapon style

Chromatus

·         The transformation part came mainly from the scenario team – someone said they wanted the image of a dark hero and someone else replied “then they should have a transformation.” The battle team was like “but he already has three fighting styles!”

·         At first the transformed state was less useful than fighting normally, so they removed staggering when transformed but added a time limit

Other characters

·         Anabuki wanted Gaius to be strong since he was the previous game’s last boss, but simply making him stronger than the rest would break the balance

·         There was a lot of arguing about his special ability

·         They also had a lot of ideas about Muzét but settled for emergency wrap because she can fly around freely

·         They increased the speed at which Rowen threw knives to make him less defenseless

Trivia

They picked Cless and Stahn as cameo because they were cameo costumes in the first game; then they added Mint and Rutee

They like the cameo ending, they feel it’s like a 4koma

At the beginning, the animation team made an animation of Ludger prostrating himself, but it wasn’t used. There’s always a number of gestures that don’t make it into the final product

Takizawa cleared everything on Unknown

 Scenario team – Yamamoto, Hasegawa & Hori

[Note: Yamamoto was the main scenario writer of X2 (as well as H, Z and B); in X1 he worked on sub events]

Settings

·         They picked the story of Maxwell and Kresnik from the first game and developed it further as a base for X2

·         They were careful not to make it look like the previous game’s story wasn’t complete or to make it sound like the previous game’s conflict was lighter than the sequel’s

·         There was a request from the planning team to make up a different system, so that’s how they came up with the choice system and having the protag be a player self-insert

·         However, leaving him without expression or personality would be too un-Tales-like, so that’s how he ended up like he is in the game

·         It was decided from the start to change the protag because Jude and Milla’s story was over

·         Since the first game was heavily focused on Rieze Maxia, they made this game from the pov of Elympios

On separating main story and character episodes

·         Part of the new system idea

·         You get to know the characters more in their chara eps and that can influence the main story a bit

·         They’d planned on adding bonus scenes from the start; they added more than expected

Fractured dimensions

·         Represent the power of choice (as they show how history would be if different choices had been made)

·         Also as a way to catch X1 players’ interest

·         Yamamoto’s favorite FD is Victor’s dimension because it’s full of suspense; in chara eps it’s the one with Nachtigal. Hori’s were the ones with the Chimeriad because he had wanted them to survive so that was a way to see them again. Hasegawa’s were the ones in Leia’s and Alvin’s chara eps.

·         They redid Leia’s episode entirely, giving a bigger role to her boss as a result

·         The target audience for X2 is a bit older than X1, so that’s why they show stuff like relationships between boss and employee, it adds a touch of realism and can make adult players empathize

Ludger and Elle

·         Elle is at the center of the story. She is both a trouble bringer and a source of strength for the main character

·         They wanted the last choice to be heavy, choosing between Elle and Ludger/the player themselves

·         No choice is more correct than the other. While Jude etc were heroes who saved the worlds in the first game, they didn’t need for Ludger to be a hero at all cost – that’s for the player to decide with the choices

·         The Julius ending was Hori’s idea. He wanted people to feel that it was a valid choice

·         Choosing means eliminating the other possibility. Nothing changes if you don’t choose, you can’t go forward. That’s why they didn’t include the option to save both

·         If it had been a shonen manga, everyone would be happy at the end, but they wanted an older target audience for this game, which meant burdening Ludger with difficult choices

·         The two joke endings were added for more Tales-like fun. The cameo ending was requested by the planning team

·         It’s just for fun though so they don’t consider the cameo “happy end” valid because it glosses over the main story’s drama

New characters

·         It was hard to find balance on Gaius because he tends to solve things himself if you let him, but here he needed to have a support role

·         They liked showing a more casual side to him, as well as his relationship with the Chimeriad

·         Muzét didn’t really have evil intent (in the first game), it was more that she went out of control. Bc she had a hard time in X1 and since X2 had a heavy story, they decided to focus on light-hearted scenes with her

·         Fractured Milla was created to show the player what fractured dimensions were in a straightforward manner

·         They also wanted to surprise the players by giving her a completely different personality

·         At first, she was just created as a step to bring prime Milla back, but they decided to give her a bigger role because they grew attached to her

·         At first, they came up with half a dozen personalities for her before settling on one (tsundere)

·         They picked a cat for a mascot because there were cat lovers among the staff

·         It’s hard to have an animal move around during events, to they made him a fat cat so he wouldn’t move too much

·         Ludger’s hair is silver like his father’s, and the black part is dyed

·         Nova’s meche is because she saw Auj Oule women (it’s a cultural thing there) and she wanted to imitate Rieze Maxia’s fashion

Discarded ideas

·         Julius’ was supposed to be Ludger’s mother at first, but they thought an older brother character would be more popular. His overprotectiveness is remnants of his motherly role

·         Yamamoto wanted Bisley to use a gun and have a scene where Ludger transformed and avoided the bullets, so Bisley would go “that slow thing is useless” and discard the gun before transforming himself and punch faster than the gun fired bullets

·         He also wanted a scene where Bisley showed up to the last dungeon in a car saying “Sorry for the wait”

·         Anyway Bisley is really Yamamoto’s favorite XD

·         Nova and Vera had a very small role originally but Nova grew as a character who cheers Ludger up when he worries about his debt

·         She was originally just there to provide information; in the original idea, she was also originally in love with Ludger, not Julius, and would be irritated at Julius for causing Ludger trouble

·         They didn’t expect her to even show up at the hot spring

From staff comments in the World Guidance book

·         At first the debt was supposed to come from Ludger having to take responsibility for the Oscore incident

·         Anabuki drew the wanted posters

·         They call Kanbalar Edo lmao

·         They’d originally planned to have an ending where Ludger gives up in ch.14

·         The imagery of butterflies is associated to the Key of Kresnik (Elle’s hat design, Bisley’s wings in his chromatus form…)

·         Jude was introduced early to cover for Ludger’s lack of lines

·         They considered having him oppose Ludger at first (abt destroying the dimensions) and eventually join the party

·         They decided to keep the old cast’s personalities as they were in the first game’s epilogue, but made an exception for Elize, who matured a bit in between

·         They originally wanted to show Muzét regret her actions of the first game, but her chara eps took another direction

·         Fractured Milla was originally simply a gimmick to show the cruelty of fractured dimensions, but her role got bigger

·         They had templates for her

·         A hidden thema of the extra episode is to restore Ivar’s honor

·         Ideas for Rollo: Julius’ disguise, Chronos’ true form. But he ended up as a regular cat in the end

·         The dungeon in ch.10 was meant as a homage to past titles

·         Since the game is aimed at adults, “immorality” and “irrationality” were key themes of the first ideas

·         Some character design rough sketches are dated as far back as March 2011 (the first game came out in September 2011)

Past translations:

Unused ideas for plot, fractured dimensions, Ludger & Julius episode, and fractured Milla personalities.

Staff comments about the fractured dimensions featuring the Chimeriad.

Interview with Daigo Okumura.

Interview with Takashi Kondo.

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

Brave New World:  Revolution Calling

I woke up early for once, plagued by strange dreams, not bad just odd.  But I think it’s beyond me to ever have a normal dream.  I still dream about 2 exfriends who screwed me over in high school----30 years ago.  But then I still dream about not being able to find my classes or find and open my locker and that was 30 years ago too.

Just know that the things that haunt you now are bound to for the rest of your life.

My little house is freezing again so I am trying not to stay still for too long.  If I’m sentient my blood stops flowing as it should and my temperature drops even more.  What a drag it is getting old.

I’m about to settle in to watch The Witcher, finally.   I am late to the party but when you are working 70 hrs a week you don’t have time, then you suddenly go from 70-0 for Spring Break and all you want to do is sleep.  Now I am sufficiently rested and half way done on the books I am reading so I can take a break and get my mind around watching something new.

The Corona virus has found it’s way to Corpus Christi and not to be mean but as dumb as a lot of those ppl are down there, it’s bound to spread like crazy.  I’m scared and worried for friends and the ex-mall kids who have become my foster family.  They are all in their 30′s, some have children, some are ex-addicts with bodies ravaged by abuse, I fear for them all.

The virus is also in Lubbock, where I was on the 11th and I have sopped going to church b/c 90% of the congregation is elderly and if I’m carrying anything I can’t take that chance.

I’m going out today to use one of my last two dollars until payday to get fresh water.  The water is awful due to the old pipes.  I am taking alcohol to spray down the water machine which I know dozens if not hundreds have used.

Payday is Tuesday and I am overdrawn again.  I don’t know how this keeps happening but I know some of it is due to them garnishing my check for so much on my student loans that I just recently realized I don’t take home nearly as much as I thought I did.

I’m telling you, ANONYMOUS needs to hack Sallie Mae and Trellis and wipe out our debt while all this chaos is going on.  Do that, out some Nazis, more around some wealth.  Come on, guys “the time is ripe for changing there’s a growing feeling we’re taking a chance on a new kind of vision is due.  I used to trust the media to tell me the truth, tell us the truth, but now I see the payoffs everywhere I look, who can ya trust when EVERYONE’S A CROOK? Revolution calling, Revolution calling, revolution calling you.  There’s a revolution calling revolution calling, Gotta make the change, gotta push, gotta push it on through.”

[asillydreamer-on-a-crazyworld]

I like that they will get a divorce but I hate that is was Dean that handed it over. The last few episodes the writers are trying really hard to make Dean look like the good guy, even though he has been the worst husband ever. I hate we never got an argument about the cancer lie and it looks like it will never happen now. Dean always talks about how it is her fault that everything bad has happend, like wtf? Also I kind of had to cringe when I saw the new promo with Beth hugging Dean.

You know… I wish it was her too, just bc I would feel better watching Beth hand the papers to him. But this is me saying what I wanted, however, this is not my story, it’s Beth’s. I understand why the writers chose to not follow that path, bc I get it. She wouldn’t ask for a divorce now, bc like we saw later in that scene of her laying on a bed with Ruby and Annie by her side, her only worry was about her kids and about not having anything of hers to get from this divorce.

Where would she live if he took the house? How would she support herself and the kids? What if HE TOOK THE KIDS FROM HER? 

Like me and other ppl always talked about, Beth doesn’t have anything on her name. It’s all Dean’s. She was trying to take her own steps into life by herself again, be someone that could provide for her kids alone. Until Dean forced her to give up on this dream bc of jealousy. How could she be the one asking for a divorce now, if she just found herself in debt with Rio again? 

and look, I don’t see how this could have happened in a different way, how Beth could be the one at this point of the show to ask a divorce from Dean when they both care about the kids a lot and these children have gone through a lot lately. We know Beth would never put her children on the terrible situation of having both their parents fighting over a divorce like I think it would happen if Beth snapped and told Dean to leave.

I mean, he would probably take the kids away from her bc rn he has control of the money they have and everything else. Right now, Beth has nothing, no money, no properties, nothing on her name. How would she fight over the custody of her kids?

I know we wanna things to happen in a certain way, one that pleases us but one thing I love in this show is how even though there are a lot of crazy things and circumstances happening in the women’s lives, many things happen just like real life… Especially the relationships in this show. One proof of that is how I’ve seen posts here, some I wrote myself, about how we all related to some things that happened to these women. Hell, some even could relate to MP as well.

so, it made sense to me that, in the end, he was the one to ask for the divorce and I was glad that the first thing she asks or talks about is the kids. When she said “but I’m trying”, I don’t think she was pleading for another chance on their marriage for him, but for her kids.

That is why I loved how she went and told him she liked to have sex with Rio ( we could argue it was not bc of that at all only bc it was just 2 times but this is for another post). It must have hurt a LOT to Dean, bc I believe one thing he hated the most was the fact that Rio had Beth, more than once in his head ( well, now it is true lol). We all know he rly didn’t care for the criminal activities she was getting herself into, bc he even offered to help. U can argue with me about his motivations but we all know he really gave her an ultimatum and started talking about “Worrying for the kids’ safety” after he realized Beth and Rio had sex.

That being said, I do believe that Dean finally realized himself that forcing Beth to accept his terms wouldn’t do any good in the long run. He knows she would keep cheating him with crime/ Rio in his head ( he has been there himself lol). And for a man like Dean who couldn’t stomach the fact that it was his wife now cheating on him.. Doing something he knew it was not fair to someone u were supposed to love? He couldn’t deal with that. He is still such a misogynist man bc I think he couldn’t make himself play house with her knowing she would probably come back to Rio in his head and keep fucking him, like I believe Beth would, happily, if so to keep her kids with her.

Classic  White male. I had this theory that maybe he would flip and blackmail her and well… In a way he did but I think that it was better this way. Beth didn’t become weaker in my eyes just bc she wasn’t the one to ask for a divorce and less of a boss bitch.

 I understand your frustration about the lack of confrontation about the cancer lie but I agree with @bensonstablers about the reasons why this didn’t happen. One of them is how Beth felt guilty herself that he was shot and probably that she didn’t know how to feel… If she was relieved or disappointed that her husband almost died. Beth is not a mean, evil person and even if I agree Dean is not the husband of the year, far from it, he is not a monster. He is good with the kids ( even if he lost his own in his damn house) and I believe that he cares for Beth, even in his twisted way. So I think deep down, Beth couldn’t wish for Dean’s death or be happy about it bc she is not a selfish person. She probably thought of her kids, without a father they certainly love and how close they were to lose him.

It doesn’t mean that all the things left unsaid between them can’t come back later… I doubt this season will be the last for Dean / Matthew Lillard. And the last episode showed us that the writers don’t forget things…So, I also wouldn’t say they are gonna try to make Dean look good… Or bad… I mean, I know there are characters we all hate with a passion, but underneath it all, at least I know that everyone in this show is not all black or White… They all navigate in between, meaning that none of them are sinners or saints. They have good and bad sides and they make a lot of mistakes, and some are leaning more on the dark side than others.

That is sometimes I say that I love to hate a certain character, but I’m mostly just kidding. I know that we need to see these characters with an open mind bc they are complex, beautifully written characters and that is why I love this show so much and why I have so much Faith in the writers of this show. 

They are not perfect and maybe they can disappoint me in some way - bc let’s face it, it happens!-, but right now I’m liking the direction they are taking things.

And about that hug?

I wouldn’t worry about it. I mean, I reblogged a post here talking about that hug and I meant what I said: it’s not bc they are divorcing that they need to be enemies now. These two share the same love for their children and they know each other for more than 20 years. Also, I don’t think Dean hate Beth enough to not offer her some kind of comfort when she is so worried about going to jail and be separated from her kids.

Again, I understand ur dislike or even disgust for that scene, bc like urself I’m not blind to Dean’s faults ( they were many after all), but again, he is not the monster of the story. Not right now anyway.