#they scissored so hard in that Honda

[assignmentimprobable]

Diversity win! Two characters who attract the most annoying male fans on earth fucked each other sloppy style

[le-chevalier-au-lion]

the greatest thing we've lost: santimarc [e]

“I missed you,” Marc manages to say, mouth slack and wanting, eyes bright on the half light.

Santi flattens his free palm against the cradle of Marc’s ribcage. Feels him breathe, the sharp staccato of it, and the heat of his skin. His tongue is leaden—clumsy. There’s too much to say, he thinks. Or maybe he’s being too emotional.

He kisses Marc’s collarbone, the jut of bone there. Then his arm—the bad one, the one that he’s spent years losing sleep about. His scars are raised and rough under his lips. Marc jolts, a sound caught in his throat, wet, needy. Jolts again when Santi realizes he’s distracted and crooks his fingers inside him. He throws his head back, sweat pooling on his hairline, casting him on a silvery sheen.

The night flies by him in jerky flashes. Dinner, too fast—though Santi knows they spent hours in that restaurant, laughing, too full of good food, though technically this must breach at least one contract. The track to Marc’s hotel room is a meaningless blur.

But this—

Santi has this moment in excruciating detail, punishingly so. Marc at the door, king-of-the-world reckless— how about one more drink? Which had lasted for three seconds flat, and then his mouth was on Santi’s, insistent, demanding. A hand under his shirt, and the other on his belt, blundering, inelegant, all want. He'd been thinking about kissing him for what felt like days, staring at the stain of rosé wine on his lips.

“Santi,” Marc bites out, urgent, his eyes fever bright and wide. He’s pretty like a heart attack like this.

“I’m here.”

“Another—why don’t you give me another?” He sounds frustrated, cleaved open, voice catching on a whine.

Santi rests his forehead against Marc’s sweat slippery thigh, panting wetly into the crease of his hip. Sinks his teeth into the flesh there, the imprint of his mouth red and mean. Marc jerks, sighs, goes slack at the pain.

He doesn’t say take it easy . “You’re something else.”

It comes out sickeningly, predictably fond. Same old. Marc puts his hand on Santi’s nape, tugs at the curls growing there. A laugh bubbles out of them both. Something giddy and light tangles in Santi’s chest—a champagne frizz under the podium, just tossing the data away and marveling at the show.

Santi would do anything for him. To him. That realization rakes its nails over his nerves, makes him buck against the bed.

Marc goes up on his elbows to look at him. There’s a flush on his cheeks, pink, precious, and an open-mouthed, reckless smile. His cock smears silver-shiny streaks of pre-come on his abs. Unfair. Troublesome . Even more when he smells the weakness Santi can feel breaking out on his own expression and does what he always will—latches on.

“I missed you,” Marc says again, dogged, unrelenting, painfully adoring.

And he clenches in convulsive, little spasms around his fingers. Santi has to bite on his tongue hard. Count back on every corner where the Honda is slow.

It’s fucking—insane.

��Me too.” But he keeps the same pace, only two fingers, scissoring them gently, not quite skimming against Marc’s prostate, not quite ignoring it.

Marc moans, wretched, wanting. It’s the mind-fuck of Santi’s life .

He hadn’t thought about this. It wasn’t ever like that, except in the odd stretch of time between 2018 and 2019, with Marc crystal-fragile and carrying a fiery streak of the divine anyway. You and me, Santi, just us, we’re the best, can you believe this ? As if he had ever doubted.

As if anyone could ever doubt, with Marc tucked against their side, champagne-slack, bright like gold.

But it wasn’t serious . Not when he had Marc’s data, and his wins, and his safety on his hands. Now he has this—the bruise on Marc’s collarbones, and his lube-shiny hole stretching wide, and the way his lashes fall over his cheeks.

If he could burn that image in his mind forever, he would. Thinks he already has.

Santi must be going too slow again. Marc makes a noise, one hand bunched on the sheets, the other digging into his shoulder. The thought of carrying Marc’s bruises comes like a knife to the guts sort of realization about himself.

“Can’t you just fuck me?” He bites out. Mouthy, still halfway to a plea anyway.

And he goes vice-tight again. The squelch of lube becomes deafening, obscene. Christ on the cross .

“Marc,” Santi chides, his voice gravelly, strained. He’s thinking about it—just slipping inside him already, God fucking damn it all.

“Hm?” His eyes are hazy. His hips work in small, tortuous circles when Santi freezes.

He would like it, is the thing. Another Marc-ism to add to the list— fastmeanrough here too. Santi tucks a laugh against the slippery crook of his neck, slows down his fingers, presses down against a smooth, trembling thigh to keep him in place when he bucks against his hand. He’s so hard his vision starts to blur around the edges, cock throbbing like a sucker punch between his legs.

But it’s his job to worry. Always has.

“Marc, are you happy?”

Marc’s lashes flutter over his cheeks. He’s pretty—pretty and wired and flushed pink, eyes round and wide, his bottom lip wobbling. “ Yes ,” he groans, grabs Santi’s wrist. His nails scramble against the delicate skin there. Mean, greedy. “Yes, but I wish things hadn’t—that we were still—”

His heart is three sizes too big for his chest. Also, his underwear feels gross, sticky, where he’s been leaking all over himself. Through that outpour of fondness, of need, Santi leans in to nuzzle Marc’s forehead.

It isn’t—it isn’t what they thought they’d always be. Honda forever, Marc had blurted out at—one of the Sachsenrings, he thinks, both of them drunk out of their asses, delirious with joy, with the fever pitch of king of the Ring .

And if not that, a team forever. It isn’t Santi going through ten hail marys over quali, over a divine save, and Marc dragging him up the podium after that, glued together from calf to shoulder.

“You’re gonna be just fine, babychamp,” he whispers.

Marc nods sharply. He’s fever-hot on his fingers, restless, feet digging uselessly into the sweat-damp mattress. “If I could I’d have never—”

Santi knows. Tries to shush him because he knows , but hearing it might unlodge that sharp piece of loss stuck somewhere around his ribs. Might unlodge that I wish you hadn’t, and you were the best thing I ever held, and I thought that without me you wouldn’t have done it that burns in his throat.

But Marc has clearly been working himself towards something. His gaze goes flinty, cutting—clear visor on a left-hander track, laser-focused.

His legs wrap around Santi’s waist. Suddenly he’s on back, scrambling for breath, wrangled like Marc’s bike when it tried to buck him off. Marc is there, everywhere, above him, boyish curls casting shadows on his determination, on his furrowed brows.

Santi blinks hard to the ceiling. He feels light, untethered, mustang wild—fourteen years later is either the most singularly stupid moment to do this or the only one that works.

“Sometimes,” he says, harsh, yearning, “I want to say fuck Ducati, fuck Gresini, fuck Frankie and hand you my data. Get you to tell me what I’m doing wrong.”

Santi laughs. Tries to. What comes out is a reedy noise he doesn’t recognize as human—Marc eviscerates him and reaches behind himself to get Santi’s cock out of his underwear. His hand is iron-hot, calloused from the brakes. He can see where this is going, but his head might be stuffed with cotton, slow on the uptake, stuck on a syrupy wave of want.

“Should I talk you through a lap in Motegi?”

“No.” He goes crinkly-eyed, mischievous. Brno 2019 levels of bad for Santi’s blood pressure. It’s not any less devastating from up close. “I know you’re going to complain about my braking.”

“You eat too much ty—”

Marc smiles, shark-like, and drops down on his cock, mouth going wanton and slack.

It’s just the tip, because Santi grabs his waist and holds tight to keep him in place. Stops him from fucking himself in one single, ruinous stroke. A whine knocks its way past his teeth, searing, almost inaudible through the pound of his heartbeat in his ears. Marc looks smug, hungry—unfortunately, unflatteringly attractive.

“Be careful,” Santi hisses, nowhere near as authoritative as he aimed for. It comes out choked, a plea. It's not like that warning has ever worked.

Marc smells blood on the water. Grins, shiv-quick, a flash of white teeth and his tongue sweeping over them. You you you you you you , Santi thinks, or chants, snapping his hips to fuck into Marc.

It’s—surreal. Marc flattens his hands over Santi’s shoulders, stuttering through his next breath. That little noise is almost as good as winning with him.

[angrenwen]

"If this van has a fault its that it bears the unfortunate affliction that all lightly used white utility vans have in that the combination of an utter lack of branding features and the large dent/scrape I accidentally put on it while trying to escape a Denny's last Thanksgiving means that this vehicle is one addition of a Badly Spray-Painted "FREE CANDY" on the side away from being the sort of vehicle you see in an edgy horror movie.

It's got the same issue that Doberman Dogs have where they look like the sort of creature that likes to snack on toddler's faces whilst actually having personalities made of marshmallow fluff. This vehicle is unnecessarily menacing and I think nothing short of an airbrushed Epic Van Wizard will correct this. People see this van pull up and lean over and squint suspiciously at me when the driver's side door opens, and then look moderately confused when, instead of Charles Manson, a small, potato-shaped creature with neon purple hair and a statistically unlikely assortment of dogs emerges.

My own two dogs, Herschel the Hanukkah Goblin/Corgi and Charleston Chew The Taco Dumpster Dog, Do Not Like The Van. Even with the bed in it, they have a tendency to slide and roll around in the back, and both WILL chew through dog saftey belts or other attempts to secure them in there.

On the other hand, my house mate's dog, an exceptionally tall standard poodle whom we lovingly call "The Creature", loves the Van because SHE wears her doggy seat-belt with only mild complaining and gets to sit up in the passenger seat like A People.

Also like A People, The Creature likes to stand and walk around on her hind legs. It doesn't hurt her and it's entirely voluntary, but every so often I will feel a hand on my arm and instead of my husband or friend, it's a canine that's taller than I am on her hind legs who wants to stare at my face with soulful, concerned eyes. The Creature's favorite thing is that she is exactly the right height for me to hold her arm in Genteel Fashion and walk around the pet food or hardware store with her like I'm a count escorting a debutante around a royal ball.

---

As it stands, I am set to inherit this vehicle whenever my Honda gives up the ghost, and I fully intend to paint an Epic Van Wizard on it when that time comes.

The other peculiarity of The Van is that while Dad did manage to successfully install all his after-market electronics, not all the electronics get along. Sometimes, they fight for Dominance. The Terabyte Music Player and the Backup Camera have a particularly contentious relationship, and turning on the music has about a 25% chance of turning on the backup camera as well, and turning on the Backup Camera is equally likely to turn on the music.

Firthermore, The Van has a favorite song.

I am not kidding that Dad filled an entire terabyte hard drive with music and the software to sort it via the radio controls, but of all the Early Boomer Dad Rock (Kingston Trio over The Eagles) and Irish Folk and Symphonies and the entire discography of Weird Al Yankovic, The Van's favorite song- The one it picks to play as victory music every time it beats the Backup Camera at their weird electronic game of rock-paper-scissors -is The Liberty Bell March by John Phillip Sousa.

You all know this song already.

...but in case you've forgotten the tune:

Yeah.

The Van's favorite song is the goddamn Monty Python's Flying Circus Theme Music.

It does not play this song at a normal volume.

Every time I turn on the Backup Camera and it manages to turn the music player on as well, The Van insists on absolutely blasting this nonsense on at the maximum volume it's physically capable of producing, which I know is loud enough to be heard from the Denver International Airport's Pickup zone when they Van decided to start playing it from the economy lot about half a mile away.

Perhaps it's The Van's way of honoring the aesthetic sensibilities and sonic enthusiasm of Mr. Sousa.

...I can't help but wonder if the purpose of an Epic Van Wizard is to control this sort of faerie-like malarkey, and channel these chaotic energies into things like Spell of Don't Break Down In Nevada or Enchantment Of Always Have Good Parking.

---

So last Friday the 13th, I get a call from my friend and housemate, at said airport.

It's roughly 11PM at night, and I have already retired for the evening. I am in the exact minimum of clothing required to be a decent housemate and not scandalize the neighbors should I happen to walk by a window. My feet are up. There is a cat in my lap and fictional British people murdering each other in highly inventive fashion on the tv. -But my friend has returned from her friend's wedding,and either American or United Airlines has managed to lose her luggage, including, among other valuable possessions, the keys to her car. ...So she cannot just drive home as originally planned.

There are, as luck would have it, her spare set of keys not eight feet from me.

Being a good and decent person, I agree to bring the spare keys to her so she may get home before daybreak and not spend a semester's worth of tuition on an uber across the greater Denver traffic jam.

Being also that she Loves Activities, and it's her mom we're going to pick up, I elect to take along The Creature.

I am primarily focused on remembering how to get to the airport and not leaving my friend's spare keys on the counter, so I throw on a pair of flip-flops, step outside, remember that it's AUTUMN and my minimal evening attire is not sufficient thermal protection, step back in, grab the first coat in the closet I lay hands on, pull it on, check that I have her keys again and leave.

The trip to the airport is largely unremarkable, save that it becomes necessary for me to put on sunglasses to drive, despite it being nearly the witching hour and almost entirely darker than the inside of a cow.

It's necessary because this blissful darkness of night is violently punctured by a startling number of cars that seem to have installed miniaturized but no less powerful lighthouse bulbs in where their headlights ought to go so the oncoming traffic and sports cars that insist on tailgating me in the slow lane alike illuminate the road and my mirrors with the kind of radiance I'd normally associate with the arrival of a Seraphim.

I arrive at the distant highly discounted airport car lot where my housemate is waiting, deeply apologetic. It's nothing. I say. Once I see that your car starts up, I'm gonna go to that 7-11 across the way that I parked in front of, get a slurpee or something and I'll see you at home.

While she is retrieving her vehicle (an equally eccentric but much more stately Subaru that is old enough to be elected to congress) I rifle through the loose change in the glove box and discover that I have exactly $6.66 in small bills and coins. The Subaru, continuing it's long voyage into vehicular immortality, immediately starts up.

Upon her return, we all remember that my friend had all her camping gear in the backseat of the car and there is no room for The Creature to ride home with her parent, so I again assure her it's nothing, and will just take The Creature into the 7-11 with me. She is trained as a service animal and needs the practice after the plague.

I wave my friend off and turn to enter the 7-11.

I promptly trip over the jutting back bumper of The Van and fall, cartoonishly, face-first onto the sidewalk.

Fortunately, I have a lot of practice falling on my face, and have learned not to throw my hands out but instead cover my face, so my unexpected self-inflicted attempted curb-stomping lightly scrapes my hairline and nothing else -my sunglasses even stay in place- and I get up and resume my quest for a slurpee.

It's well known that the airport is a lawless place, and the 7-11 across from the discounted airport parking at the stroke of midnight is no exception.

I know it's the stroke of Midnight because there's one of those Audubon society bird-call clocks that makes bird noises, and my arrival is heralded by the twittering call of a Summer Tanager. I am almost charmed enough by the unusual choice of chronological device to excuse the exorbitant Airport-adjacent mark-up of Slurpee prices. I stand at the machine for some time, trying to decide on a size for the price and guess what the fuck "Blue Lighting Blast" is supposed to taste like.

The Creature is being Very Polite but is somewhat agitated, I assume because she *just* saw her mother for the first time in three days and then she LEFT with no explanation, so The Creature is on her hind legs, staring woefully into my eyes, asking to be escorted around the 7-11. Even though that's not what she's not supposed to be doing, there's nobody else in here, so I let her hang off my arm and discuss various Slurpee Flavor options with her.

We eventually decide on an experiment in which I try a Small Blue Lightning Blast, and discover it tastes a bit like licking a nintendo cartridge but in a pleasantly satisfying way.

I go up to pay and realize something is amiss.

The Cashier is a young man staring at me with wide eyes, one had over the register and the other wrapped up in his rosary.

I look down at myself.

In my haste to reunite my friend with her spare keys and service animal, I had left the house in the following accoutrements:

Flip Flops. Not matching. It's below freezing outside. That last part is not particularly odd footwear for the weather in for Colorado, but it's an important detail for the rest of the ensemble.

Assorted scrapes, bruises, cuts and welts on my arms and legs that come with doing outdoor work and living in a house with three dogs and a fully-clawed cat that all want to be in my lap all the time. It's cold out, so vasoconstriction has pulled the blood away from my skin, a trait that served my ancestors well during the last Ice Age, but leaves me with pale skin to contrast the various wounds and I look like a corpse that fell out of the back of a pickup truck.

The black Bootyshorts with "CRYPTID" painted in bright red gothic font across my ass, that @theshitpostcalligrapher gave me for my wedding present.

A peculiar but extremely comfortable garment that straddles the line between "Lacy Camisole" and "Industrial-Strength Sports Bra" like the Ever Given straddling the Suez Canal. It is also Bright Red. with black accents.

The Jacket I had grabbed out of the closet, which is in fact, a black Velour Dinner Jacket.

The Tokyo-Ghoul inspired reusable anti-covid mask a friend made me with the set of Coyote Teeth.

My sunglasses, which are shaped like a Halloween Bat. The lenses are the wings and the body is the nose bridge. It is ALSO bright red.

A Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle that I have been audibly affectionately calling "Dear Creature" who is hanging off my arm like she's my Prom Date.

The Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle is ALSO dressed up in a black Dog Sweater that has white bones printed on it to look like its an X-ray jacket showing off her skeleton.

I look like I am taking my Very Fancy Werewolf Girlfriend to a particularly casual Dinner Party for Vampires, but the thing that's really selling it and probably alarming the kid the most is the fun accessory I acquired in the parking lot not five minutes earlier:

The "Small Scrape At my Hairline" is actually a painless but PROFUSELY bleeding head wound that I had somehow entirely failed to notice covering my face, neck, decolletage and magnificent cleavage with blood like a Tarantino Film Extra.

This does explain why The Creature has been delicately trying to use her bodyweight to push me down onto the floor for the last ten minutes. So I don't injure myself while we wait for the paramedics she hoped this kid called to arrive, you see.

The Creature has such a High and Naive Opinion of humanity.

I decide this social situation is already fucked, and the only way out is through, and with haste, before I start dripping on the floor.

"Hi there!" I say cheerfully, to indicate this is a visually alarming but not terribly serious situation. "Just a Small Slurpee!"

The Cashier has entered the relevant code into the register before I finish the sentence. His gaze flicks off me just long enough to look at the total, and he grips his Rosary harder.

$6.66

"Oh cool! I have exact change!" I say, taking the money out of my as-yet-unsanguined pocket without looking and slap it down on the counter. "You have a good night and be safe out there!" I wave, leaving.

I get in The Van, mortified, buckle The Creature up, and as I make to leave, I have to put it in reverse, which automatically turns on the backup Camera.

It also turns on the music player.

I make eye contact with the cashier as the dulcet tones of John Phillip Sousa boom from the van hard enough to make the windshield and the windows of the 7-11 rattle for the nine-and-a-half seconds I have to wait to be able to turn the volume back down. Not knowing what else to to, I give him a thumbs up, and leave.

Anyway, now I know what my Future Van Wizard has got to be dressed like, and what their familiar is.

---

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The Van Has Officially Declared It Spooky Season

---

I've got my parent's van for the week and it seems determined to establish my status as The Local Cryptid by terrorizing an innocent 7-11 clerk.

...I might need to back up a bit.

My mother is an eminently sensible woman who knows herself well, and when The Plauge hit, she knew she'd need some sort of mentally and physically engaging craft project to keep herself from going insane and massacring the local zoning and water management boards (even if they have it coming). So she and Dad acquired a utility van and converted it into a camper van because while they love camping, they're past the age where their joints and immune systems will tolerate sleeping on the cold ground in a nylon tent.

They did a terrific job of it and my mom taught herself woodworking and carpentry and now the van has it's own cabinets, fold-away dining table, and removable queen-sized bed with memory foam mattress. My Dad was already a computer engineer, but he learned the dark magics of automotive software and electronics to install after-market backup cameras, a media player that would take a terabyte hard drive and a solar-powered battery and outlet so they could wake up and just turn on the kettle and griddle for breakfast without having to exit the van into a cold morning on an empty stomach.

Truly, the height of Camping Luxury.

My parents are both in their mid-seventies and my primary life goal is to be at least half as cool and hale as they are when I get old.

Anyway, they take it out at least a dozen times a year and it works fabulously, but, being as I am on good terms with my parents and also finishing the process of moving house, I've been borrowing it to move large and cumbersome objects that will not fit in the back of my equally lovely but minuscule Honda hatchback.

It's a Great Van. Very easy and comfortable to drive. Stunningly good MPG for it's size. The best cruise control I've ever had in a car.

It's just also. Quirky. Mischievous, even.

---

If this van has a fault its that it bears the unfortunate affliction that all lightly used white utility vans have in that the combination of an utter lack of branding features and the large dent/scrape I accidentally put on it while trying to escape a Denny's last Thanksgiving means that this vehicle is one addition of a Badly Spray-Painted "FREE CANDY" on the side away from being the sort of vehicle you see in an edgy horror movie.

It's got the same issue that Doberman Dogs have where they look like the sort of creature that likes to snack on toddler's faces whilst actually having personalities made of marshmallow fluff. This vehicle is unnecessarily menacing and I think nothing short of an airbrushed Epic Van Wizard will correct this. People see this van pull up and lean over and squint suspiciously at me when the driver's side door opens, and then look moderately confused when, instead of Charles Manson, a small, potato-shaped creature with neon purple hair and a statistically unlikely assortment of dogs emerges.

My own two dogs, Herschel the Hanukkah Goblin/Corgi and Charleston Chew The Taco Dumpster Dog, Do Not Like The Van. Even with the bed in it, they have a tendency to slide and roll around in the back, and both WILL chew through dog saftey belts or other attempts to secure them in there.

On the other hand, my house mate's dog, an exceptionally tall standard poodle whom we lovingly call "The Creature", loves the Van because SHE wears her doggy seat-belt with only mild complaining and gets to sit up in the passenger seat like A People.

Also like A People, The Creature likes to stand and walk around on her hind legs. It doesn't hurt her and it's entirely voluntary, but every so often I will feel a hand on my arm and instead of my husband or friend, it's a canine that's taller than I am on her hind legs who wants to stare at my face with soulful, concerned eyes. The Creature's favorite thing is that she is exactly the right height for me to hold her arm in Genteel Fashion and walk around the pet food or hardware store with her like I'm a count escorting a debutante around a royal ball.

---

As it stands, I am set to inherit this vehicle whenever my Honda gives up the ghost, and I fully intend to paint an Epic Van Wizard on it when that time comes.

The other peculiarity of The Van is that while Dad did manage to successfully install all his after-market electronics, not all the electronics get along. Sometimes, they fight for Dominance. The Terabyte Music Player and the Backup Camera have a particularly contentious relationship, and turning on the music has about a 25% chance of turning on the backup camera as well, and turning on the Backup Camera is equally likely to turn on the music.

Firthermore, The Van has a favorite song.

I am not kidding that Dad filled an entire terabyte hard drive with music and the software to sort it via the radio controls, but of all the Early Boomer Dad Rock (Kingston Trio over The Eagles) and Irish Folk and Symphonies and the entire discography of Weird Al Yankovic, The Van's favorite song- The one it picks to play as victory music every time it beats the Backup Camera at their weird electronic game of rock-paper-scissors -is The Liberty Bell March by John Phillip Sousa.

You all know this song already.

...but in case you've forgotten the tune:

Yeah.

The Van's favorite song is the goddamn Monty Python's Flying Circus Theme Music.

It does not play this song at a normal volume.

Every time I turn on the Backup Camera and it manages to turn the music player on as well, The Van insists on absolutely blasting this nonsense on at the maximum volume it's physically capable of producing, which I know is loud enough to be heard from the Denver International Airport's Pickup zone when they Van decided to start playing it from the economy lot about half a mile away.

Perhaps it's The Van's way of honoring the aesthetic sensibilities and sonic enthusiasm of Mr. Sousa.

...I can't help but wonder if the purpose of an Epic Van Wizard is to control this sort of faerie-like malarkey, and channel these chaotic energies into things like Spell of Don't Break Down In Nevada or Enchantment Of Always Have Good Parking.

---

So last Friday the 13th, I get a call from my friend and housemate, at said airport.

It's roughly 11PM at night, and I have already retired for the evening. I am in the exact minimum of clothing required to be a decent housemate and not scandalize the neighbors should I happen to walk by a window. My feet are up. There is a cat in my lap and fictional British people murdering each other in highly inventive fashion on the tv. -But my friend has returned from her friend's wedding,and either American or United Airlines has managed to lose her luggage, including, among other valuable possessions, the keys to her car. ...So she cannot just drive home as originally planned.

There are, as luck would have it, her spare set of keys not eight feet from me.

Being a good and decent person, I agree to bring the spare keys to her so she may get home before daybreak and not spend a semester's worth of tuition on an uber across the greater Denver traffic jam.

Being also that she Loves Activities, and it's her mom we're going to pick up, I elect to take along The Creature.

I am primarily focused on remembering how to get to the airport and not leaving my friend's spare keys on the counter, so I throw on a pair of flip-flops, step outside, remember that it's AUTUMN and my minimal evening attire is not sufficient thermal protection, step back in, grab the first coat in the closet I lay hands on, pull it on, check that I have her keys again and leave.

The trip to the airport is largely unremarkable, save that it becomes necessary for me to put on sunglasses to drive, despite it being nearly the witching hour and almost entirely darker than the inside of a cow.

It's necessary because this blissful darkness of night is violently punctured by a startling number of cars that seem to have installed miniaturized but no less powerful lighthouse bulbs in where their headlights ought to go so the oncoming traffic and sports cars that insist on tailgating me in the slow lane alike illuminate the road and my mirrors with the kind of radiance I'd normally associate with the arrival of a Seraphim.

I arrive at the distant highly discounted airport car lot where my housemate is waiting, deeply apologetic. It's nothing. I say. Once I see that your car starts up, I'm gonna go to that 7-11 across the way that I parked in front of, get a slurpee or something and I'll see you at home.

While she is retrieving her vehicle (an equally eccentric but much more stately Subaru that is old enough to be elected to congress) I rifle through the loose change in the glove box and discover that I have exactly $6.66 in small bills and coins. The Subaru, continuing it's long voyage into vehicular immortality, immediately starts up.

Upon her return, we all remember that my friend had all her camping gear in the backseat of the car and there is no room for The Creature to ride home with her parent, so I again assure her it's nothing, and will just take The Creature into the 7-11 with me. She is trained as a service animal and needs the practice after the plague.

I wave my friend off and turn to enter the 7-11.

I promptly trip over the jutting back bumper of The Van and fall, cartoonishly, face-first onto the sidewalk.

Fortunately, I have a lot of practice falling on my face, and have learned not to throw my hands out but instead cover my face, so my unexpected self-inflicted attempted curb-stomping lightly scrapes my hairline and nothing else -my sunglasses even stay in place- and I get up and resume my quest for a slurpee.

It's well known that the airport is a lawless place, and the 7-11 across from the discounted airport parking at the stroke of midnight is no exception.

I know it's the stroke of Midnight because there's one of those Audubon society bird-call clocks that makes bird noises, and my arrival is heralded by the twittering call of a Summer Tanager. I am almost charmed enough by the unusual choice of chronological device to excuse the exorbitant Airport-adjacent mark-up of Slurpee prices. I stand at the machine for some time, trying to decide on a size for the price and guess what the fuck "Blue Lighting Blast" is supposed to taste like.

The Creature is being Very Polite but is somewhat agitated, I assume because she *just* saw her mother for the first time in three days and then she LEFT with no explanation, so The Creature is on her hind legs, staring woefully into my eyes, asking to be escorted around the 7-11. Even though that's not what she's not supposed to be doing, there's nobody else in here, so I let her hang off my arm and discuss various Slurpee Flavor options with her.

We eventually decide on an experiment in which I try a Small Blue Lightning Blast, and discover it tastes a bit like licking a nintendo cartridge but in a pleasantly satisfying way.

I go up to pay and realize something is amiss.

The Cashier is a young man staring at me with wide eyes, one had over the register and the other wrapped up in his rosary.

I look down at myself.

In my haste to reunite my friend with her spare keys and service animal, I had left the house in the following accoutrements:

Flip Flops. Not matching. It's below freezing outside. That last part is not particularly odd footwear for the weather in for Colorado, but it's an important detail for the rest of the ensemble.

Assorted scrapes, bruises, cuts and welts on my arms and legs that come with doing outdoor work and living in a house with three dogs and a fully-clawed cat that all want to be in my lap all the time. It's cold out, so vasoconstriction has pulled the blood away from my skin, a trait that served my ancestors well during the last Ice Age, but leaves me with pale skin to contrast the various wounds and I look like a corpse that fell out of the back of a pickup truck.

The black Bootyshorts with "CRYPTID" painted in bright red gothic font across my ass, that @theshitpostcalligrapher gave me for my wedding present.

A peculiar but extremely comfortable garment that straddles the line between "Lacy Camisole" and "Industrial-Strength Sports Bra" like the Ever Given straddling the Suez Canal. It is also Bright Red. with black accents.

The Jacket I had grabbed out of the closet, which is in fact, a black Velour Dinner Jacket.

The Tokyo-Ghoul inspired reusable anti-covid mask a friend made me with the set of Coyote Teeth.

My sunglasses, which are shaped like a Halloween Bat. The lenses are the wings and the body is the nose bridge. It is ALSO bright red.

A Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle that I have been audibly affectionately calling "Dear Creature" who is hanging off my arm like she's my Prom Date.

The Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle is ALSO dressed up in a black Dog Sweater that has white bones printed on it to look like its an X-ray jacket showing off her skeleton.

I look like I am taking my Very Fancy Werewolf Girlfriend to a particularly casual Dinner Party for Vampires, but the thing that's really selling it and probably alarming the kid the most is the fun accessory I acquired in the parking lot not five minutes earlier:

The "Small Scrape At my Hairline" is actually a painless but PROFUSELY bleeding head wound that I had somehow entirely failed to notice covering my face, neck, decolletage and magnificent cleavage with blood like a Tarantino Film Extra.

This does explain why The Creature has been delicately trying to use her bodyweight to push me down onto the floor for the last ten minutes. So I don't injure myself while we wait for the paramedics she hoped this kid called to arrive, you see.

The Creature has such a High and Naive Opinion of humanity.

I decide this social situation is already fucked, and the only way out is through, and with haste, before I start dripping on the floor.

"Hi there!" I say cheerfully, to indicate this is a visually alarming but not terribly serious situation. "Just a Small Slurpee!"

The Cashier has entered the relevant code into the register before I finish the sentence. His gaze flicks off me just long enough to look at the total, and he grips his Rosary harder.

$6.66

"Oh cool! I have exact change!" I say, taking the money out of my as-yet-unsanguined pocket without looking and slap it down on the counter. "You have a good night and be safe out there!" I wave, leaving.

I get in The Van, mortified, buckle The Creature up, and as I make to leave, I have to put it in reverse, which automatically turns on the backup Camera.

It also turns on the music player.

I make eye contact with the cashier as the dulcet tones of John Phillip Sousa boom from the van hard enough to make the windshield and the windows of the 7-11 rattle for the nine-and-a-half seconds I have to wait to be able to turn the volume back down. Not knowing what else to to, I give him a thumbs up, and leave.

Anyway, now I know what my Future Van Wizard has got to be dressed like, and what their familiar is.

---

If you enjoyed this story, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi or Pre-ordering my Family Lore Funny Stories book on Patreon

[the-firebird69]

The front end that's messed up no it's better and the rear is fine you need doors and I said yeah and a hard top and he said who's this ass is a great idea and it said Volkswagen and I said yeah I said why could you ever go wrong with that design it's awesome it's like oh Lamborghini made one like lotus and he started smiling saying that's terrific when do we start tomorrow I want 10 million of these but make the paint a little better finish the interior and foot doors and a roof on you and voila sell them for a 500 Grand each and so he goes okay he tried to make it perfect and it works and he a list of stuff and he just didn't do it and it is Trump it's a new idea the one he had was like a replica shrunken down and it doesn't work as good as this and he thinks he's in Volkswagen mode he's just kind of harassing us but really he might do this and we will piggy back it's not bad design and her son says it too it's like unique and compact won't go a million miles an hour but you're going to go fast and it's small and it's lowered and it really is and it will go about 280 with a standard motor and top end it's 130 horsepower on this one and if you put the kid on top of the exhaust I know about 320 and boy it looks really cool and really the small tires and if you make it look the same looks kind of cheesy it's a good concept and you may not have done it on purpose but it goes faster with a bigger Wheels just leaving alone is something that you don't really do on purpose much

We're going to try and produce these and it's not a toy but there are four wheelers that can be made into this but you be stuck on the street but now there are somewhat super cars for the off-road really have to make the Baja buggy it's really the car and people would love it they're tired of this buggy stuff and the car is awesome and you can make it convertible and latch it on pretty good people like it it's really nice and it's fun as heck and we tried it out quite a bit but we're going to try and make these out of Volkswagen and larger Fiat and a couple others cuz they're just sitting there doing nothing and people need to get the hell out of our face we're going to start up a factory and it has the kit and this guy just pooped out he's got no kid and we noticed that the max want us to do certain things and this is one of them not really sure why no you think others including Maxwill do something about it like they did to these guys

Thor Freya the dagger is not being built and it probably won't be so he says good Volkswagen it is and it's about the right size it's two inches too short in the wheelbase I really just make it 2 inches shorter in the door or something and who cares and scissors it's really making sense so it doesn't look different and people are small and the fit anyways and the door was pretty good size so we're going to go ahead with that and make those kits and he wants someone to pick it up and he wants us to sign someone to pick up the assignment and make the kit cuz it's one of those cars that you can do that with it's famous it was out for a little and he says maybe my son is right the Chrysler car it's not a Dodge but it's the same family but you can make a kitten for the supercar on a Chrysler chassis and the Chrysler is still making cars but not tons and it would be like an inexpensive kit you can get away with and we are an American company he says I usually start things off it's a good idea it's like the current Honda a little older but back in the day it didn't look like different than what they have now. Back in the day was different but now it's the old fashioned so we're going to look at the Chrysler as well as the dagger

Thor Freya

Olympus

Were thinking of using these in the Midwest

Thor Freya

[expired-monster-craft-smp]

Vibes Dream SMP members give off (in my opinion)

Dream

Barked at people in high school ironically but it became unironic real quick

Can’t cook very well but is good with a knife, especially at a fast pace

One of those kids who either purposely spells the first word wrong in a spelling bee to just be done with it right away or tries the hardest and manages to win (there is no inbetween for this heathen)

Bites ice cream with his teeth

Has snorted pixie stix far too many times and sneezed blue after each time

Eats bananas with the peels

Wears mismatched socks

Has taken a bite out of a pool noodle because he liked the texture and impulsively bit it (ADHD things✨😌)

Walks around looking extremely high but he’s just spacin out and stuck in his head

Dreams (lmao) in Minecraft and video games in general

Will flirt with anything that moves but has no idea how to respond to compliments

Makes fun of himself first before anyone else can

Has eaten an orange peel and it wasn’t that bad in his humble opinion

Wears khaki shorts

Eats the wax part of the baby bell cheese

Doesn’t actually know what genre his music taste is cause he vibes to everything

Georgenotfound

Picks at the skin on his lip when it’s dry so it bleeds and he tries not to give in by licking his lips often enough to the point where it became a habit

Wears velcro shoes because he doesn’t feel like tying them (he knows how, he just doesn’t wanna do it)

Eats peanut butter straight from the jar

Makes that disgusting “ants on a log” thing (celery stick filled with peanut butter topped with a row of raisins)

Can’t drink milk plain, it’s gotta have some sort of flavour

Can draw a perfect straight line but his circles look Terrible

Eats cheez-its like cereal without milk

Loves making little noises so much like he walks around his house doin chores and he’s just goin “memememenownownwnkwkshskshkshskhs”

Hates wearing socks

Coloured his tongue with highlighters because they’re non-toxic

Constantly tapping his feet and hands to a song/beat playing in his head

I can’t imagine this man using a bike of any sort, so Imma say he doesn’t know how

Can’t be licked by dogs because he’s used to being licked by his cat so it makes him uncomfortable

Can actually sing pretty well but gets real nervous in front of people so he fucks it up

Sapnap

No idea how to cook anything other than Mac and cheese please help this man

Meows at cats because he wants to confuse them and laughs Way too hard when he does (his laugh is like sunshine so I’ll allow it)

Would be fantastic at braiding hair Idk why

Gives the BEST fuckin hugs EVER

When singing, he makes noises for the instrumental parts too

Wanted to play the drums at one point

Really likes pit bulls but he’s more of a cat person so he loves them from afar

Only vaguely knows how to shave his face properly without hurting himself

Opportunities for him come up out of pure luck but mans is skilled for them so it works out well almost Always

Used to or currently has a skateboard and isn’t too bad

ALWAYS has bruises appearing everywhere for no reason, he doesn’t even know where 90% of them are from

Calls his friends twinks to jokingly bully them and gets away with it because he himself is not a twink

Gets sudden bursts of energy in the middle of the night and just shimmies around a bit to try and deal with it

Favours spearmint over peppermint

Arsonist

Banned from three (3) Dave & Busters in Texas

Badboyhalo

Washes his hands after doing literally anything

Likes the bird exhibits at the zoo (specifically the penguins)

Very good at cooking, best at soups and stews

If he painted his nails they would definitely be a baby blue

Overthinks very simple things and it makes him look less smart than he actually is

Drinks tap water

Probably prefers whiskey over beer

Knows how to tap dance a bit

Surprisingly good at taking and handling shots

Steady hands

Adds extra chocolate to hot chocolate

Plays sudoku and is really really good at it (only uses pen when he plays)

Everytime he sees a Himalayan salt lamp he NEEDS to lick it despite knowing it’s very salty and he’ll pull a face afterwards

Not great at Rock Paper Scissors

Wears sunglasses inside for no reason at all, he just,,,Does

Still has a stuffed animal from childhood perched on his bed

Probably tried his hand at archery

Tommyinnit

He has no idea how to use a baby voice on children or animals, so he just talks to them normally

Wears socks to bed

His fingers are double jointed

Always starts twitching if he stays still for too long because he’s gotta move around

His shoes and have different laces and it bothers everyone but himself

Doodles on himself in class when he’s bored or not paying attention

Has really good hearing, both with pitch and volume

Can’t eat tomato’s by themselves, it’s either gotta be in sauce form or with something else

FUCKING LOVES STRING CHEESE

Terrible handwriting

Favourite part of a slice of bread is the crust

Wants to paint his nails black to be cool and edgy but his hands are far from steady and he has no clue how to paint nails

Pretty affectionate with close friends (like Tubbo and Wilbur) off stream/camera

He likes pears for some reason

Wilbur Soot

Is constantly having to decide between leaving his hair as is or shaving all of it off

He also thinks about adding some colour but never actually does

Most tea is gross to him

Everytime he puts a breath mint thats circular in his mouth, he pretends it’s a pill and he’s taking drugs because he thinks that’s funny

He does that vacant state as a joke but that really what he looks like when he’s spacing out

Likes to aggressively flirt with his male friends but if his female friends flirt with him, he gets a bit flustered

Has probably accidentally swallowed a guitar pick

Once drank two entire jars of pickle juice

Bonks his head on anything and everything

He has broken a pair of glasses by walking face first into a pole outside

Thinks kinetic sand is fun

Has passionate arguments with others about trivial and random topics like chicken feet

Can open a beer bottle with his teeth

Would accidentally pop and swallow a bracket if he had braces

Tubbo

Hates sharp cheddar cheese

Everytime he learns a new word it’s in every sentence he says for the next week or so

Ate candle wax for a dare once

Doesn’t know how to tie a tie and will probably never learn

Wanted to do ballet at one point but decided not to

He has eaten multiple flowers for absolutely no reason other than wanting to know how they taste

Starts vibrating if he’s too excited

Used to bite his nails

ABSOLUTELY DESPISES MUSTARD

Has eaten paper and says it doesn’t taste that bad

Enjoys telling his friends how much they mean to him (this has resulted in Tommy and Wilbur crying on a few seperate occasions)

Spaces out a lot and doesn’t often pay attention to his surroundings

Gets lost inside of Best Buy’s

Likes s’mores but doesn’t properly understand how to make them

Technoblade

Learned to cook purely out of spite and found it’s actually pretty fun

Constantly getting smacked in the face by trees when walking outside

Really likes apple pie

Everytime he looks at potatoes he thinks of all the hours he spent trying to win the potato war

Starts things as a joke and gets too into it

Doesn’t like the taste of most energy drinks

Has rubbed salt and lemon juice into an open wound to just,,see how it felt (he did it once and Hated it but did it again because he forgot what it felt like)

Sometimes hates how quiet he is because everyone he knows is loud and talks over him

Despite how he is portrayed in the Dream SMP, he is extremely loyal to his friends and would kill for them

Over seasons his food because he can’t taste it otherwise

Really good balance

Doesn’t like to wear bright colours, but still enjoys wearing colours

Good at knitting

Quackity

Actually fairly quiet when off camera

Will accidentally use Spanish grammar while speaking English sometimes

Country music confuses him

Doesn’t really like kids but they really like him

Can’t dance

Hardest drugs he’s ever done is second hand smoke from a cigarette and children’s Tylenol

His favourite jolly ranchers are the red and blue ones

He uses lighters as fidget toys basically

Will have a breakdown, take a bubble bath, and call himself the self care king

Dehydrated

Wants a pet rat but he already has a cat and doesn’t wanna risk anything

Constantly questions why his main source of income is playing Minecraft with two 16 year olds

Karl Jacobs

Probably ate a spider once

Would wear those socks that are like gloves for you feet where it separates all the toes

Eats ravioli straight from the can, cold

Can answer an incredibly complex math equation fairly easily but will stumble over 12x11

Loves kids so much and speaks to them in a soft voice

Tried making ramen in a coffee pot and broke it

Drinks 2 monster energy drinks a day on average

Likes to open walnuts with his teeth but doesn’t actually eat them

The embodiment of that one John Maulany joke where he says you could spill soup in his lap and HE’D apologize to YOU

Loves physical affection so so much!!!!

If he moves his wrists in a certain way, they pop Really Loudly

Fantastic at making cookies

Fundy

Lowkey actually a furry but more on like, a cat boy level than fursuit level

Drives a Honda Civic

Likes ABBA

Adds parsley to almost anything he makes food-wise

Loves garlic bread so much, he’d commit a federal crime for it

Middle child vibes

Decent at skiing

Good at singing but isn’t terribly confident

Seems responsible at first glance but in reality he’s pretty chaotic and childish

Bad at spelling

Always cuts his nails way too short so they always feel weird/hurt

Likes bracelets and rings

Thinks pastel colours slap

JSchlatt

Despite the character he plays, he’s actually really sweet

He’s genuinely that cryptic off camera as he is on camera

Can cook but chooses not to most of the time

Would probably say ���what pussy size you wear” to anyone who asks him to buy pads

Not actually as intimidating as he appears to be

Lowkey would fight a child

Shuts down when someone compliments him, often using aggression as a front because holy shit they just called him handsome and kind what the Fuck-

Jokingly says his license is suspended but in all actuality he never got his license in the first place

He has two (2) extra teeth but they don’t need to be removed so he kept them

Has a stick n poke of a stickman on his ankle he got in high school

Likes physics

This is already very long, and I still plan on adding more.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh Season Zero: Seto Kaiba's First Kidnapping

It’s Christmas vacation, I have Mannheim Steamroller on repeat, so much chocolate just an arms reach away from me. And I have purposely given myself nothing to do as an attempt to teach myself to do nothing.

So lets watch something weird and revisit Zero.

For those new here, I have been also reviewing most of Season Zero. If you don’t know what that is, you can my recaps in order by clicking this link here.

And like last time, I am not actually affiliated with Team Millennium, and I hope they don’t mind that I am capping their episode. You can find them on Youtube where they are slowly redubbing this season into English, and um--this next episode is the last episode they have! So I don’t know how I’m going to recap the rest?

Probably the same way I did in the first episode where it’s a lot less dialogue and more just...my reaction to it.

And, as always, my disclaimer for the new people that this was made in the 90′s and based off of the OG manga and it is...not the same show. It’s problematic. Why wouldn’t it be? It’s a counter-culture anime from the 90′s. Though this episode is pretty tame, honestly. Weird, but tame.

So, we start off the episode with a very lovingly drawn sky, not sure why it’s on THIS show but it’s here. This post apocalyptic sunset.

And staring directly into this sun going supernova is Seto Kaiba in his green hair, just brooding...

Not sure how he has this view from his Pemberly style mansion, but I dunno, maybe the city is visible from the backyard, or Seto just has really good vision. Either way don’t worry about it, we see Seto vibe out and visualize weird stuff all the time.

So, spurned by his hate for his classmate that beat him in cards once, Seto decides it’s time to enact his revenge by...what sounds a lot like some weird Lord of the Rings Lore and I dunno if it’s a bad translation or I just don’t really know what the hell he’s going off about because I never read the Yugioh version of the Silmarillion. Probably both.

See, while the first couple episodes of this show have different variations on Youtube, this one really only had the Team Millennium version in English (which is fine, there’s just some confusing things) and then the other version I saw skipped half of the episode because I guess they decided this part was boring or something. So forgive the fact that I’m flying on the seat of my pants here and I assume y’all will know all the deets I don’t know. For once, my contribution will be...kind of a lot less words.

So lets get right to it.

(read more under the cut)

Seto, who is in so much denial from Seasons 1-4, that I’ve headcanoned is actually cursed to never admit magic is real, has decided to call upon the (checks notes)

4 Game Masters

Yeah, that’s a new mechanic, these are a thing now. Don’t worry if you never heard of them before, I’ve been capping this show and I also have never heard of the legendary 4 magical Game Masters either.

So at this point these statues start glowing all creepy, and because it’s Yugioh I just kinda assumed...they’d do something.

I’m starting to think that maybe that was supposed to be symbolic, actually. Maybe there was never actually magic in the statues. Maybe it’s part of Seto hallucinating, as always. This whole show kind of runs on being a sort of metal fever dream whenever people get intense about games, so I’m probably not supposed to align it with any established magic laws anyway. It’s just I never know when things are real or just aesthetics, which I enjoy, quite a bit, that it’s open ended--but still it’s somewhat confusing as to if these gargoyles are...a thing now or were just always set dressing to kind of remind us of the cards that come later in the episode.

But, remember the spooky indoor gargoyles in your mind, keep it there, these menacing gargoyles over a fiery sunset...

OK now lets meet the real villain.

There he is. Our villain. And his name? Ripley Sheldon.

MAN to go from spooky gargoyles to Ripley Sheldon. There’s a name. That’s a name all right. I’ve only seen one episode of Big Bang Theory but Sheldon is a name forever ruined for me.

So--sidestory--this one time, my friend was at a wedding in Santa Cruz, which is a pretty beachy hippie town that always smelled like weed before it was legal, and there was just...a doll at the wedding. My friend was seated at a dinner party table just right next to this doll, and the family was like “Ah yes, this is the doll, you have to speak to her. She’s a member of the family.” and my friend had to suffer roleplaying with this doll for hours.

So before you’re like...there’s no way grown ass adults are this weird with dolls in public.

Yes. It happens.

Ah, and it’s the first instances of the Kaiba Corp logo and it’s the same. Complete with helicopter, because that Logo is never done until it’s surrounded by a fast military vehicle of some sort.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh great.

Yo remember that one episode where Yugi almost got his legs chopped off by Arcana and Arcana’s wife was being held behind a curtain, and at the end of the episode Arcana pulls back the curtain and his wife was a manikin the whole time and her head fell off?

Getting those vibes.

Back at school, Miho is busy being the most manipulative human being, this time with losing at cards. Like y’all I am TRYING to give Miho the benefit of a doubt here, but it seems even the translators hated Miho so much they had her refer to herself in the 3rd person. I am trying, really I am, sorry to everyone who loves Miho, I will leave that door open as I watch these--that maybe Miho will...grow on me.

But not this episode.

And then this happened. I guess from the breeze of Honda leaning over too far.

Believe it or not, Yuugi’s vertigo will come back later in this very episode. This whole bizarre scenario was just foreshadowing.

But for reals, Yuugi is so FRAIL in Season Zero. While I appreciate the contrast between Yuugi and Yami Yuugi, I gotta recognize how much Yugi has evolved over 4+ seasons because Yuugi is just...eggshells. Every part of him is polite little eggshells.

But in contrast, you have Anzu who is ready to fight in every single scene she’s in and I’m OK with that.

That and the very clear romantic direction that is just...simple. It’s very simple in Season Zero. That’s nice.

Anzu isn’t even possessed by two ghosts. In fact, between Anzu and Yuugi right now, there are 0 ghosts. So weird. So kosher.

Speaking of weird,

Y’all, I have no explanation for this. I only know so much Kanji.

The translation I watched tried so very hard to do what they could with this, and kudos to them, but...this is what happens with translation, it’s just a very hard job sometimes. So I get how they decided to form this joke into English, but if anyone is like a Japanese speaker and gets the pun that was clearly happening here, feel free to youknow, share the knowledge.

Unfortunately the undubbed episode that exists on Youtube that I found edited out this part so they didn’t have to try and translate it, lol. Either way, I appreciate Orange Jounouchi a lot, as well as the background squids on Squid Jounouchi.

Can you imagine just being in high school, and you get summoned to the Nurses Office? Can you even imagine what rumors would start from that? Like I know Seto wants revenge against Yuugi through cards, but I think he just did. I think he did like maybe one of the worst things you can do to a High Schooler just now. May as well page over the intercom that Yuugi has to pick up his yeast infection ointment.

And this is where we meet...a ridiculous satire. This 30 year old beautiful woman flirting with a child disaster who cannot balance while seated on a low chair.

And predictably, Yuugi lost because things just got THAT weird and awkward. Dunno if the translators put that in there for fun, or if that’s honestly how it was in the original. My bet it was probably exactly that weird in the original. Mostly because this show has a lot of “stranger danger” set ups to teach little children to never trust bad adults and this just seemed like exactly that type of set-up. Don’t trust the overly nice nurse or she’ll steal your cards in a game, kids.

After this really awkward card game (and I’m not going to bother to dive into it because I don’t talk about the card mechanics here), we find out...that Seto’s just been staring at them...the entire time.

Like it has such a voyeuristic vibe to it, it really makes you wonder about Seto’s whole deal just an awful lot. Like Season 1-4 doesn’t really ship Yugi/Kaiba, in my opinion (and just my opinion, I know how y’all feel about the ship and that is a-ok, all ships are welcome here)...but Season Zero ships A LOT. It’s not a serious ship by any means, it’s clearly a crack ship, but they...very clearly know what they’re doing with Seto being this obsessed with Yuugi in this way, omg. It just sounds like a kink to me.

So, ways to beat Yuugi Muto:

steal his stuff halfway through the game, try to kill yourself, rock paper scissors, try to kill Joey Wheeler, or dress up a sex doll like a nurse and have a gross old man have it play cards while he makes a sexy lady voiceover.

(Y’all I’ve been to my share of arcades in my life and I think I’ve only seen like 6 pinball tables total. Do good arcades only exist on TV? I think it’s all a lie.)

Then, because I guess this episode wasn’t going anywhere, Yuugi goes to the arcade to play some video games. The video game is unimportant, and it’s never been brought up before, but he’s dead set on finding it. Because unlike Yugi, Yuugi just doesn’t really have a goal in this series so he just kind of flutters around until someone tells him what to do.

TBH that’s a pretty 90′s thing for a show or a movie to do. To have characters just exist and have things happen to them, but in all, they’re just...wandering. So it’s not so much a knock on the show, it’s just that sometimes it’s a little of a transition to go from a goal being something physical, like finding the lost city of Atlantis before every human’s soul is absorbed into the great Leviathan, to the goal being more of a mental acceptance--Yuugi just learning to accept this curse he doesn’t even know he has yet, and trying to find acceptance in his group of friends.

With Yuugi, we’re kind of just watching his daily life, which is mostly watching him try and sneak games into every spare moment that his local adult has turned around. It has a very slice of life feel to it, but minus the near constant innuendo slice of life tends to have (at least the ones that have been recommended to me)

Now, because this is a show about people getting a real EXTREME comeuppance every time they break the law, what will happen to Yuugi for ignoring his Grandpa’s wishes and going to the arcade before going home?

First, we meet this mushroom haired person.

That’s right kids, NEVER stop by the arcade on the way home from school--1.) The local arcades are almost always 90% boring racing games and busted shooters that came out on the Nintendo 64 when I was a child and 2.) You will get abducted.

And then we get this face swap.

Kaiba just really loves dress-up. No wonder he was hanging out with a guy super into dolls. And like, I went into before how Seto Kaiba is always doused in facsimile energy. He loves faking it up, and apparently that’s been true since Zero.

He introduces that he will have four challenges from four Game Masters and uh so welcome to the...I don’t where this is, but a weird place full of dolls that must exist somewhere in Domino.

I guess this is to make it seem like they have an audience to watch Yuugi fail but even still...what?

So we get kind of a mirror to the scene at the beginning with Miho crying and Honda telling Yuugi to apologize for beating her, except replace Miho with Seto and Honda with this guy who really likes dolls (and Miho is a lot like a cursed doll). Like, if there were a theme to this episode it’s “grow up and stop apologizing when you beat someone in a card game” which isn’t a terrible theme, especially in this show that is about Yuugi learning how to adult.

In fact the “grow the hell up” theme is so strong we have a villain who is just...a big baby who carries dolls around. Kinda makes you wonder if the show would have eventually had Yuugi just...grow out of toys and games completely for the finale. Like in the Yugioh we have now, he can’t, because first off they licensed a hell ton of toys, but also because Yugi does games for his actual job. Even if Pharaoh was gone, Yugi still has to play games all the time. In this case, he could just...be using the games to learn how to do adult things, which is actually why we give kids games in the first place.

But, speculation aside, it’s at this point that a card play knocks Yuugi off of his chair and he passes out. Despite the fact that this isn’t a Shadow game and there...shouldn’t be any magic present. In fact, I don’t think any part of this game in this episode required opening the door of darkness. When he switches to Yami shortly after falling off of his own chair he’s like...yeah this is fine. Seems all above board. No need to kill anybody

And then apparently there’s a type of Dual Monster’s card I was unaware of.

A doll-type.

So I looked it up, is there a doll type card in Yugioh?

And it seems like there’s a lot of dolls, but not like...a type, as far as I can tell. Again, I don’t play this game, I’m only here for the plot and this one just seemed like they really had to reach for Yuugi to have just the right type of card to play.

And again, because this wasn’t a Shadow Duel, our loser just kind of walks away...all the way back to Britain, I guess.

And Seto just stands there behind a window in a rainstorm to allude to his many unshed salty tears, and it cuts to Miho who I guess has learned not to cry when she loses to Yuugi now.

And then she pulls out an absolutely winning tactic. This would win, actually. It’s actually genius.

And that is a very strong

From me. Wow. No thanks. I actually don’t want to see Yuugi do a kissy face ever again, thank you.

Half of you loved that though. This is fine. We’re all different.

Anyway, I assume the game was never played, or Miho won and the show just decided not to show it. If Season Zero Yuugi is a Yuugi that makes out then...that is...shocking. Then again, we’re only like...a third of the way through? I think?

Anyway, it’s...after Christmas because I went out of town for a spell, but I’ll just...post this now. Last post before the new year.

I’ll see y’all in 2020!

[mythicamagic]

It’s Just the Curse: Fruits Basket Oneshot

Summary: Hatori tends to an injured Tohru after the events of the True Form arc.

Hurt/comfort

2,000 words

AN: I don't wanna hear no - 'ahhh you must hate Kyoru!'

No. Shh. I ship Kyoru, I just needed to write this because I felt like the 2019 version of the true form arc gave Tohru far more injuries than in the 2001 or manga versions. I need some Hatori love. I do also ship Hatohru but you can choose to think of this as platonic, I left it ambiguous on purpose because this isn't really about romance, this is hurt/comfort, ya feel?

It's Just the Curse

When he receives a call from Shigure, he expects the usual idiotic musings from the novelist, leaning back in his desk chair to get comfortable and ignore them.

Instead, what comes through the line is: "It's Tohru, can you come quick?"

Hatori left the chair spinning, yanking on a jacket and grabbing his keys and case. Shigure rarely used that tone, and it wasn't the playful one from before when Tohru had gotten a fever. This wasn't a headache or a housecall. Something had happened.

Hatori slid into the driver's seat, gunning the engine and speeding out of Sohma estate. He never usually drove over the limit. Today he barely paid attention to the speedometer, all he knew was that the vehicle wasn't moving fast enough.

Finally pulling up at Shigure's house, he rushed out, snapping the sliding door open and fixing Shigure with a look.

"Where?" He demanded.

"Her room."

Nodding, Hatori paused, taking off his shoes and padding by the living room, noticing Kyo in cat form. He lay curled up on Kazuma's lap, who seemed to ignore everyone else, looking down at him with soft eyes. Dread caught in Hatori's throat, before he turned to Shigure. "Don't tell me she saw-"

"It had to be done, according to Kazuma. But everything worked out alright. Kyo got a little upset, is all."

Is all?

Hatori didn't hear anything more, hurrying up the stairs to Tohru's room. He didn't bother knocking, opening it and finding Yuki sat on the edge of her bed. Kagura lingered by the window, staring out of it with a morose expression.

Deep lilac eyes shifted, soon finding the girl.

She sat with her knees bent beneath her, long, damp hair trailing down her shoulders, clothes rumbled and dirtied. Blood caked up her arm, but worse was the marks on her shoulder and neck. Three deep looking rivets had cut through the clothing, breaking the skin. Tohru looked over at him, slightly shaking from the cold despite the towel she clung to around her arms.

"I-it's not as bad as it looks," she smiled gently. "Please don't look at me like that, Hatori."

How else was he supposed to look at her?

Glancing at Yuki, he shifted. "I'd like to examine her," he muttered.

Yuki looked at Tohru, mild guilt thinning his lips. Tohru just nodded with encouragement, and Yuki left without another word. Kagura padded over, appearing conflicted.

"Are you sure you don't want another girl here with you, Tohru?" She asked quietly.

"No, it's alright. I trust Hatori."

Kagura nodded, soon following Yuki. The door slid shut afterwards, leaving them in the gloom of her lonely room. Even the pink of her bedding and curtains didn't liven it up, appearing dulled to his eyes. Hatori took a few steps closer, turning on Tohru's bedside lamp. He then sat beside her on the bed, taking a breath. The priories of a Doctor came first, and he gestured to her t-shirt. "Tohru, I need to remove that to reach the wounds. Judging by your injury, I think it would be best to cut the material off, rather than trying to raise your arms."

She nodded, and he noticed dirt scuffing her cheek. His heart twisted at such a simple thing, before shaking himself and reaching into his bag. Taking out scissors, he gently seized the bottom of her ruined pink top, cutting a line up the middle and leaving it in two halves. Slowly, gingerly, long fingers eased the material down and off her arms.

This left Tohru in her bra and skirt, which he ignored, taking the towel and sliding it over her good shoulder to preserve some of her modesty. Tohru smiled at him, curling her fingers into it. Hatori wished he could find the same strength to smile back. He went about cleaning the wounds carefully, wiping down her arm and trying to remove the sheer amount of blood. But soon he stopped, realising something. Dark eyes shifted, catching hers.

"... I need to stitch these wounds. They're too deep to leave as they are."

Tohru's eyes dimmed a little, soon nodding once more. She didn't ask if it would hurt. He didn't ask if she was alright. Of course she wasn't. Instead, he sterilised a needle and thread, shifting until he bent close, their knees touching.

"You can lean into my shoulder, miss Honda, if you want." He uttered quietly. "Just be careful, I'd really rather avoid turning into a seahorse right now."

At that, she gave a small, wobbly giggle. Carefully, she set her forehead on the broad expanse of his left shoulder. He could feel the slight pressure of her cheek, the faint tingle of nervous breath fanning onto his neck. She was much quieter than usual.

"... It's alright," he soothed quietly, voice hushed. It didn't feel right to talk loudly in this atmosphere. The house felt so silent, as though holding its breath with her. Sliding the needle in, he began stitching, sewing the skin together. Tohru made a noise, crying out, until she muffled herself into his suit. Hatori continued working with sure, practised fingers, finishing one deep gash, before tying the sutra and having to start on the second. Her trembling didn't make matters easy, so Hatori took a moment to rest a hand on the crown of her head- not expecting her to flinch and make a whimpering noise.

"Tohru..." he slipped up, using her first name. "Your head. Were you hurt there as well?"

"Y-yes. I landed in some water quite hard, I think. It was shallow, so..."

A long exhale escaped the Doctor, hissing through blunt teeth. Hatori's head bowed. "... I'm sorry this happened to you. I never wanted-" he tripped over words, soon focusing. "Don't you understand now why I told you to leave the Sohmas? We only hurt others," he murmured lowly, like a confession. But she knew. And of course, she'd stayed, worrying all the time what she could do for them. Not what they could do for her. Now he was fixing her up, like their own personal patchwork doll to play with and ruin anew.

Gentle fingers smoothed over his cheek, and Hatori's eyes fluttered shut as she rested her palm over his bad one. "That's not true. I... was frightened. I won't lie. Kyo didn't look, speak or act like himself when he transformed. But... I knew it was him, and I had to bring him back here. If I didn't, he'd disappear... that's why..." she lifted her head slightly, and Hatori turned his cheek to look at her with his good eye. "I'd rather go through this now than lose him. I don't want to lose anyone else," she murmured, stroking dark hair away from his face. "So please don't blame yourself, Hatori. It's just...the curse, isn't it? I accepted it then. I accept it now."

When her touch drew back, Hatori trembled slightly. She was strong, miss Honda. Even with her body shaken and bleeding, she didn't waver. He couldn't understand it, only look at her as though trying to solve the riddle- the paradox she presented.

He carried on stitching, doing his damn best to make them clean, willing away any scars. He sighed once it was finished, treating it with antibacterial ointment and covering it with a bandage, leaning back.

"Thank you so much," Tohru smiled tiredly, tilting her head slightly and sending a tumble of brunette locks spilling forward.

She swallowed some painkillers soon after, and he rested an ice pack on the lump forming on her head. "Honestly, you might have to go the hospital anyway," he said quietly. "Do you have a headache? Eyesight problems?"

"Ah! No, no. Nothing like that. It just hurts a bit."

"Mn. Call me, if you feel any change."

Tohru paused. "Oh... are you... leaving already?" She asked haltingly. Her attitude abruptly shifted, taking the ice pack from him and pressing it to her head. "Aha! Of course you are, you're probably extremely busy! I'm so sorry. That was selfish of me! I didn't mean to say it like that-"

"Tohru," he lifted a finger to her lips, stopping the flow of worries. "I meant for you to call downstairs. I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight."

Tohru jolted. "Rwure?" The words came out muffled behind his finger.

Hatori blushed slightly, shifting his hand away. At least she sounded more like herself again. "Mn, really. Knowing your disposition though, you wouldn't be honest and call down complaining about any aches, so I'll check on you again in a few hours."

It was Tohru's turn to blush, glancing away. "I-I'm plenty honest, I promise!"

His lips quirked at the edges, smoothing a warm palm over her forehead and resting it there. She stilled, looking at him with curious, earthy brown eyes, not moving an inch. Hatori leaned down, resting his lips against his knuckles. He let out a long, extinguished sigh, dusty lungs constricting. "Not enough. You're never honest enough about what you're feeling, miss Honda. If it's pain, you just cover it up. I swear... you're going to give me grey hair before my time."

Tohru blinked like a lost doe, soon relaxing and stroking his arm fondly. "But you're just the same, aren't you?" She said smally.

He swallowed. "...There's nothing I can do for you, is there? Nothing I could say to make you change your mind now and forget us."

"No, I'm alright as I am now. But..." she smiled. "You really are kind, to worry so much. You could make me forget by force, but you don't."

He didn't need to be reminded. The hypnosis would be so easy. She'd never be hurt again if he just threw away her wants and acted of his own accord-

But he stayed perfectly still. She deserved more than to have the choice ripped from her fingers.

Pulling back to look at her with treacle immediacy, his eyes softened. Tohru's lips bent into a painful, honest smile, a rare glimpse of her real self. Hatori felt humbled having seen it.

He shifted away slowly, helping her ease down beneath the covers. He then hesitated, before removing his jacket and laying it over her bedding.

"I'm warm enough," came her subdued voice.

He ignored this, padding to the door and opening it, letting the stronger light from the hallway flood a corner of her room. "Mn. Remember what I said... If anything hurts-"

"I'll call down and complain," she smiled, looking small beneath the mountains of covers, dwarfed by her large bed.

He nodded, voice turning quiet and reverent: "get some rest. Doctor's orders."

Tohru watched him go, the door sliding shut soundlessly between them. Hatori lingered in the hallway, shifting to lean heavily against the opposite wall. A pale hand racked through dark bangs, breath shuddering. Ugly, painful memories resurfaced.

Him, trying to stop the blood flow. Pressing urgent, shaking hands to his blazing eye. Kana looking so frightened, so lost. He'd wanted to comfort her, to wash his blood from her hands.

Hatori paused, glancing at the bloodied cuff of his shirt. Now some of Tohru's blood was on Sohma hands. It wasn't enough that they suffered inside their own circle, apparently. They needed to do the same to outsiders. And yet... she hadn't looked like Kana. She never did. Tohru's back had been straight, eyes steady. She bore the weight of the curse like the death of her mother, folding it away in her heart.

Hatori leaned his head back, craving a cigarette.

"We're all hopeless children when compared with you, miss Honda."

[2020ogata]

Getting to know the Ogata : 20/20 artists.

All of the artists are hard at work on their contributions to the calendar!  To give you more information about them, we created a survey for them and will be displaying some of their work (if they wanted to contribute).

We asked our contributors the following questions:

1.) Fav medium?

2.) Artistic influences?

3.) What was your biggest drawing breakthrough?

4.) Favorite Ogata moment?

5.) Favorite season?

6.) Most GK thing that’s ever happened to you?

7.) Recommend a series besides GK:

Tempy - twitter @tempeachy

1.) digital <3

2.) rumiko takahashi, noda, naoki urasawa, leiji matsumoto, tsukasa hojo... a lot of my art influences come from vintage anime

3.) i draw a lot of traditional/cultural outfits and honestly every time when i draw those i get a rush after its finished cuz man i really Did All Those Details. I Did That

4.) any moment where he's actually interacting with yuusaku i love b/c i crave sibling interaction  

5.) season 2!

6.)  i don't know... tbh i'm drawing a blank on this but uhhh i have a book called "harukor" written by honda katsuichi (a famous japanese journalist) that i think describes ainu culture really well??

7.)  A BRIDE'S STORY. it's got its Issues of course but it's similar to golden kamuy in the sense that there's gorgeous people & a focus on asian ethnic groups that are often overlooked (this series focuses on west asia!)

Alice Bell - twitter @angry_alice

1.) Digital and traditional inking.

2.) Hotline Miami and music videos w neo noir aestetics influenced my style for a while. Also western comic artists like Mike Mignola and Fiona Staples. And Q Hayashida to some extent.

3.) Live sketching and trying to learn anatomy and fundamentals? The boring essentials.

4.) Every time Ogata puts on faux nice smile, only to pull off something violent and awful afterwards, like that moment in Barato arc w scissors. Also anko nabe chapter finds new ways to fuck me up every single time.

5.) Manga

6.) When one of my clients at work, a senior lady, casually told me about her husband and how he was found gruesomely murdered in Siberia during mid 00's. She was very chill about it, said his lifestyle caught up with him.

7.) Recommend a series besides GK: Dungeon Meshi, Monster, Dorohedoro, Kaiji.

Quantivore - tw/insta @quantivore

1.)  Procreate

2.) Yoshiyuki Sadamoto, Shigenori Soejima, Shirow Miwa, tacky 80s fashion

3.) Using a pentagram as a base for flower shapes

4.) The Russo-Japanese Sniper War

5.) Summer

6.) On school camp one time, we had to cook our own meals over an open fire. Giant moths were drawn to the flames and we couldn't keep them out of the food or discern them in the food because it was dark...so we ate them.

7.) MOB PSYCHO 100, Noragami, Disastrous Life of Saiki

[svenstruppappas1-blog]

Leading 10 Ideal Ranked Self Drove Lawn Mowers Of 2018 Reviews & Acquiring Overview.

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However, compared to gas-powered lawn mowers, they're much less effective and are limited by battery ability as well as charging time. All of these attributes suffice to set a lawn mower apart from the pack, yet what really introduces the Honda right into brand-new region is the one-of-a-kind Versamow system. It additionally comes with a clever turf comb feature which allows you to mow over the edge of your grass for a much neater appearance.

[tomioneer]

yyh rewatch post 7?? I think??

this is gonna suuuuuuck. eps 20 and 21 and 22.

the english title of this episode is, for once, WAY MORE DRAMATIC than the Japanese title. episode 20 is called Seven Ways To Die holy shit

yusuke informs suzaku what any shounen fan already knows: pissing off the hero is the worst mistake any villain could make

yusuke remembers he’s here for a whistle, not a brawl, but gets punched and electrocuted in the process

yusuke continues to deny his feelings. meanwhile, dickbag iwamoto chases Keiko and botan with scissors

suzaku doesn’t seem to realize he’s a fucking fashion icon,or he wouldn’t be doing this shit, he’d be working the runway.

hearing laura bailey (keiko) screaming is the worst thing, because all I can think is that it’s not keiko--it’s honda tohru from fruits basket. NO ONE FUCKING HURTS TOHRU

the real Worst Mistake suzaku made was putting keiko’s misadventures on a screen where yusuke can see whether or not she’s still alive. if he couldn’t see, he'd be worried to distraction about her. 

suzaku claims all his other selves have free will and their own initiative, but then they all use the same attack at the same time??? 

yet another jackass villain is surprised when yusuke stands up

“that shows you don’t know me very well. my whole life has been borrowed time.”--urameshi yusuke, a fourteen-year-old with no self-worth. I. want to hug him.

he says this with full conviction and hero eyes. he believes it.

last arc we got to see kuwabara be tortured. now we get to watch yusuke go through it too. lovely.

this makes the third arc in a row in which Yusuke ends up bound in some way, this time beind held in place my two of the suzaku clones

suzaku puns at yusuke, who is being electrocuted, by saying the words “shock of terror” about keiko’s situation.

yusuke shouts for botan, his friend, definitively showing that romantic bonds aren’t the only things worth fighting for.

epilepsy warning for episode 20 of yu yu hakusho.

jorge just assumes yusuke is dead, or about to be

shows what he knows.

the dub gives koenma more credit than he deserves by having him freak out about potentially having to give in to suzaku’s demands for the sake of humanity. in the subs, he’s panicking about being in trouble with his dad again.

kuwabara misses by like. two feet. the idiot. he’s trying so hard to get to his boy. meanwhile, the True Battle Couple clear the way themselves.

scene transition is yusuke screaming in agony.

I hope justin cook took care of his voice

URAMESHI IS CRYING

oh because he thinks keiko is dead already

genkai is the little voice in yusuke’s head.

still being electrocuted, yuuske laughs at suzaku

YUSUKE SAID BITCH

amazing

“training under critical conditions”

my boy has such good hero eyes

he looks so good with his hair down why is he such a little greaser.

genkai’s breaking speech to him is completely different in the dub. I’m going to have to watch the sub later, aren’t I?

shots of his friends being in life-threatening moments are interspersed with his mother sobbing over his death, and keiko kissing him back to life like the princess he is

I’m legit tearing up this is so awful I love it

it’s so fucking relatable that yusuke only finds worth in how he’s viewed by the people he cares about

“Did I miss something,” suzaku asks flatly, “or did you just get five times more powerful?”

Oh buddy. you missed something.

i love

sometimes i forget that I judge all action heroes by sailor moon and yusuke urameshi. the purity of intent, the lengths to which they’ll go for others... the clarity in their eyes as they look at a person or situation and see it as it really is. sailor moon forgiving her enemies while yusuke judges his. these are the standards I demand from my heroes. 

on a gayer note, keiko cradles botan in her arms like a dramatically fainted lover.

yusuke, about this whistle: please be close by (looks around) It’s far away. typical.

yusuke threatens a demon bird and calls her a smartass

this would be a lot better if I didn’t know there was more fight left.

jorge thinks yusuke’s telling the truth about having power left, but he’s absolutely bluffing.

there are yet more plant zombies coming in. but like. I realize now, they are.. plants?? fighting kurama??? WHY IS THIS EVEN STILL A CONCERN???

suzaku gets back up. dub suzaku says yusuke’s attack wasn’t strong enough to kill him, but the subs say it was a matter of aim.

as much blood as there are when someone is getting hurt, I’m surprised there isn’t much when someone is already injured. it’s just torn clothes

koenma seems to be... flying? around his office?

koenma also urges yusuke to use a missile launcher. because he totally has one in his school uniform pockets.

it’s off that in the commercial bumper for the show, yusuke’s spirit gun is yellow, but in the show, it’s always, always blue

the stairs our three boys are on crumble away at suspiciously inconvenient time

they used seven different zooms of the same animation to make it seem like seven different shots. anime on a budget i guess

suzaku’s second great mistake was definitely telling yusuke the requirements for actually killing him

yusuke’s fucking dying again

that was hella badass though, projecting his life energy to save keiko and botan

suzaku lives just long enough to deliver a ‘oh I understand you immense strength now’

kuwabara is just like, ‘oh, I’ll just die for him, no biggie’.

magic cpr I guess

kurama alludes back to trying to die for his own mother. good boy.

are they dead or just. gay.

oh wait it’s both

PURE YUSUKE IS BACK BLESS HIM

WHAT IS KUWABARA WEARING 

how did he explain this extended sleepover ot his parents, or, I mean. his sister???

kuwabara and kurama are fucking. pranking him.

THEY ARE THE WORST

soft haired high waisted pant boy

I mean to be fair yusuke asked botan to explain to keiko, and she just. didn’t. he left on a time limit.

keiko is so pretty and cute and so fashion. and she’s so reasonable.

I know for a fact the manga has a whole extra story in between the saint beasts arc and the yukina arc. it has one of the best gags in the series, the infamous tuxedo mask joke.

but no, instead we just get hiei delivering the tape with no fucking lead up or breathing room. if you don’t know that chapter, LOOK IT UP

BOTAN WHAT THE FUCK

meanwhile she is a nineties fashion icon

koenma is so. so full of shit

I want to make this clear to people. Yukina has been raped. They make it clear they tried “every kind of pain imaginable” to get her to cry. the most beautiful gem an ice maiden sheds is at the birth of her child. 

a fan theory states there’s a good chance she’s technically infertile due to being a half-blooded ice maiden, which might be the only things that saved her from actually having to deal witht his, because we don’t know how long they’ve had her. 

just. go read the tv tropes page, nightmare fuel.

tarukane just called her a “knockout” and a “frigid little whore”.

who even is this off-brand beatles rip off

at least tarukane isn’t voiced by jerry fucking jewell

this two-minute long bad guy is nasty looking as shit.

[fongtranpoetry]

Letter to my Therapist

I really really really never wanted to meet you like as much as I boast about you to all my students shouted you out every mental health awareness week rave to everyone about your cultural competency and judgement-free safe spaces your office was the vegetables that I told everyone else to eat but couldn’t scarf down myself its not that I didn’t need your help its cause I didn’t want be the type to admit it put ego over action and it doesn’t help that my immigrant upbringing keeps reminding me that I’m paying someone to help talk about my feelings for asian people, the concepts of therapy, buying something not on sale and expressing our feelings are foreign to us we avoid conflict like a overpriced honda civic there is no logic in the Vietnamese language that could translate this to my mother in the same voice she gossips to my aunties she would say, “you can pay me money and I’ll pretend to listen to you” for the asian community, saving face was a training in the womb done through second hand trauma saving face requires staying silent protecting reputation trumped telling the truth so we learn how to brush shame under every rug in every house every lunar new years we stigmatize therapy cause it goes against every cord of our cultural wiring “so wait, you want me to talk about all things that bring me shame and guilt instead of letting it festering into self induced anxiety and stress bruh you crazy” still, I manage to make to our appointments there are days that your face reads republican during a obama speech and I know exactly what to say scrolling up a presidential teleprompters but most of the time, I’m left speechless union lost with little understanding of the state of anything yarning together words with coarse thread campaign running through darkness decorated in doubt there are days you are surgeon and I'm the blindfolded student in medical scrubs and all you hand me the scalpel teach me how to open myself up guiding laparoscopic cameras through all the hollow parts and scissor cuts there are days you feel like a gardener somehow growing flowers out of the shit I tried to bury in the backyard of my childhood “really, you want to ask about my family right now” there are days that I rather you be judge and jury sentence me away for life cause I can’t bare to figure out these sentences that my anxiety keeps pressing me most mornings torture me with truths that I can't come to tell myself that I’ve learn how to professionally apologize to women I loved but couldn’t even utter a sorry to my own little sister tell her that I was a selfish brother that wasn’t there cause I was everywhere else picking up compliments and thank you’s off the floor no one ever taught us how and I didn’t have the courage to start for all the smart social justice words that I learned to say to the community I could barely spill an “I love you” at the end of family christmas cards made of glitter for all the belief I try to instill in students I barely have enough of my own to see possibility toward my mother’s cancer for all the recycled answers that I have for dismantling racism there's nothing but radio silence as watch the chemo course through her body seeing her shoot hard breathe through the nose clenching every part of her face ...theres ...just…static I rather figure you out and all the things you turned into than to figure out myself and see all the values I’ve turned on you show me the ugly contradictions that I've lived I tried to plant love everywhere else but in my own home “so you feel really lost about the lost of so many of your friends” “you’re grieving over your past self for a future self you don’t know” “you’re trying to reconcile the pain you caused others when you haven’t reconciled the pain within yourself” you flashlight just enough of a tunnel for me to keep digging but feel stranded nonetheless and of course, you tell me, “were about to reach the end of our time” you remind me that it's not my words didn't match my actions but rather I haven’t finished writing this story to know what it means you remind me that as dark as this hole that I’ve dug for myself at least I’m not alone “Thanks, I’ll see you next week”

[lookwhatilost]

cool, i have an hour to kill so im jst going to answer this dumb ask meme that i saw on my dash under a cut, bc i definitely do not have enough followers to engage w stuff like this the normal way

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  spotify

is your room messy or clean? messy

what color are your eyes? brown

do you like your name? why? i’ve hated it for as long as i can remember. thinking it’s jst the combination of it being an unusual first name, being picked on for it a lot bc kids are mean, and having everyone around me insist that i’d love my name come adulthood bc it never ended up happening. i still want to change it legally but i have to figure out something i won’t tire of. “jackie” is working for now but idk abt committing to that one

what is your relationship status? disinterested

describe your personality in 3 words or less turbulent

what color hair do you have? dark brown

what kind of car do you drive? color? blue honda civic

where do you shop? forever 21, h&m, a few places online

how would you describe your style? trying too hard

favorite social media account i like kbnoswag on twitter lmao

what size bed do you have? queen

any siblings? jst col and my two step sisters

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? probably anchorage bc it’s scenic, the housing/rental market is abt the same as it is here, but the wages tend to be higher

favorite snapchat filter? when they make special versions of the dog filter for different holidays... i love those

favorite makeup brand(s) nyx mainly

how many times a week do you shower? i do it every day but if im in a shitty place mentally, i wont on my days off

favorite tv show? bojack horseman

shoe size? 9

how tall are you? 5′7″

sandals or sneakers? sneakers

do you go to the gym? i work out but i dnt go to a gym bc i’ve always had exercise equipment at home and my apartment has a fitness center, so i cant justify paying for a membership

describe your dream date i dream abt other things

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? $70

what color socks are you wearing? blue

how many pillows do you sleep with? 4 bc i love only using 2 and then kicking the other ones off my bed somehow when im asleep

do you have a job? what do you do? yeah, i’ve been doing hair for 4 odd years now

how many friends do you have? a decent handful but i only consider myself very close w two of them

whats the worst thing you have ever done? a lot probably but nothing rly sticks out to me as the objective “worst”

whats your favorite candle scent? yankee candle makes one called “golden sands” and i like that one a lot

3 favorite boy names/3 favorite girl names for various rzns i’d rather not answer the baby names question. pass

favorite actor? i can’t think of one off the top of my head, but i like jim carrey a lot

favorite actress? amy adams!

who is your celebrity crush? i’m not invested in famous ppl like that, but if you asked me this when i was 12, i’d have said pete wentz lmfao. probably my only one ever

favorite movie? this is hard lol. arrival, interstellar, and gone girl come to mind, though

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? i do. difficult to pick favorites bc i like more nonfiction stuff... i liked a brief history of time a lot

money or brains? brains. i have my own money

do you have a nickname? what is it? jackie is technically a nickname i guess. fati calls me “salvadore” and i hate it w a passion

how many times have you been to the hospital? a lot but i’ve only stayed there for an extended period 3 times

top 10 favorite songs stop they’re all special to me in different ways... 

do you take any medications daily? i did for a while

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) oily

what is your biggest fear? nothing that hasn’t already happened lol

how many kids do you want? none

whats your go to hair style? i cut it into a bob periodically and let it grow out until it annoys me, rinse and repeat til i die

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) average?

who is your role model? no one. all people are jst people

what was the last compliment you received? probably someone calling me smart or something. i hear it a lot but i dnt rly believe it

what was the last text you sent? “yes binch”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? probably pretty young if i was ever lead to believe it period. i dnt remember ever having any faith in that

what is your dream car? i had my dream car and it was more of a hassle than anything. a good metaphor for life, probably

opinion on smoking? cigarettes? do whatever you want. weed? do whatever you want, but stop saying it cures cancer. meth/crack? maybe you should chill

do you go to college? that didn’t work out

what is your dream job? being able to sustain myself without one

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? suburbs definitely. lived in rural areas before. driving 30 minutes one way to the grocery store is not something i ever feel inclined to experience again.

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? depends on what they are

do you have freckles? yes

do you smile for pictures? only when my mom makes me

how many pictures do you have on your phone? 2377

have you ever peed in the woods? no

do you still watch cartoons? i mean bojack is a cartoon. but ones for children, no

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? stan wendy

Favorite dipping sauce? chick fil a sauce

what do you wear to bed? long old tshirt and this jacket i have from middle school typically lol. i have 3 actual pairs of pajamas though

have you ever won a spelling bee? i’ve never had an opportunity to even enroll in one. my schools never ran them

what are your hobbies? i read and write a lot, still trying to kill the rolling stone 500 albums list, i paint sometimes, jst general Bitch Desperate For Escapism things

can you draw? i used to a lot more than i do now but i’m still halfway decent at it

do you play an instrument? guitar & bass. i’m better at bass. i’m better at guitar hero but that dznt count

what was the last concert you saw? fall out boy i think? i’m having trouble remembering if that was before or after roger waters

tea or coffee? both but tea is a little easier to make so i drink more of it

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? bux. jesus christ

do you want to get married? not planning on it

what is your crush’s first and last initial? i’m too disillusioned to feel that way abt ppl rn

are you going to change your last name when you get married? definitely not

what color looks best on you? pastels

do you miss anyone right now? yeah but it dznt matter

do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed

do you believe in ghosts? absolutely

what is your biggest pet peeve? when customers make a scissor cutting motion w their hands when they’re describing their haircut to me. it’s sooooo weird and stupid and idg why so many people do it

last person you called` ian

favorite ice cream flavor? mint chocolate chip

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? i hate sprinkles bc they are pointless

what shirt are you wearing? a tank top

what is your phone background? my lock screen is a pic i took of the lacey street theater in fairbanks the first time i was there. my background is a pic i took in denali when i was there w ian

are you outgoing or shy? i want to socialize but i dnt know how. shy i guess?

do you like it when people play with your hair? no, honestly i find it rly unpleasant

do you like your neighbors? katie and alexis are the best drinking buddies anyone could ask for. isaac is great. everyone else i could take or leave

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? yes and both

have you ever been high? yeah

have you ever been drunk? constantly

last thing you ate? 1/2 of a jimmy johns veggie club

favorite lyrics right now uhhhh idk i dnt get stuck on music like that

summer or winter? winter

day or night? night

dark, milk, or white chocolate? i dnt rly like chocolate

favorite month? october

what is your zodiac sign gemini

who was the last person you cried in front of? ian

[sbknews]

2022 HONDA CB500F

Model updates: Honda’s A2-compatible mini-streetfighter receives major performance-focussed improvements led by new Showa 41mm Separate Function Fork Big Piston (SFF-BP) USD forks, dual disc front brakes and radial-mount calipers. Front tyre grip is heightened with more forward weight bias; handling is further improved by the new swingarm, which is lighter with more lateral flex. The rear shock has new settings to complement the new forks. Redesigned wheels and a lighter radiator save more weight and new fuel injection settings improve engine character. More powerful headlight LEDs and front indicator position lights offer greater visibility.

22YM HONDA CB500F - Introduction The naked CB500F – originally launched in 2013 alongside the adventure-styled CB500X and fully-faired CBR500R – has quietly proved that one of Honda’s tried-and-trusted formulas for building popular motorcycles has lost none of its relevance. That formula? An entertaining twin-cylinder engine wrapped in a simple, lightweight, sporty chassis, which is as much fun for an experienced rider as it is for those still building their riding career. And while a 35kW peak power output makes it suitable for A2 licence holders, the CB500F offers so much more than ‘entry level’ performance. While its compact dimensions and welcoming manners make it an easy machine to manage, ride and learn on, those same attributes also make it a genuine pleasure for those – whether stepping up from a 125 or coming down from a bigger machine – who want to explore just what it can do at the weekend. Sensible running costs, whatever the situation, add strongly to the appeal. In 2019, the CB500F was redrawn with uncompromising lines that elevated its technical and mechanical aspects and in 2020 it was homologated for EURO5. Having proved its continued popularity, for 2022 it receives high-quality suspension in the form of Showa 41mm SFF-BP USD forks, dual front discs, new lightweight wheels and swingarm and other detail updates including three striking new colours.

22YM HONDA CB500F - Model Overview Alongside engine changes such as revised fuel injection settings and a new lighter radiator, the chassis benefits from the addition of Showa 41mm SFF-BP USD forks, dual Nissin radial mount two-piston calipers biting 296mm discs, lighter-weight 5-spoke wheels and redesigned swingarm – for improved high-speed handling and braking. Weight bias also moves fractionally forward compared to the previous model, for enhanced front tyre grip and feel. Styling is updated with a new front mudguard, inherited from the CB650R, and sporty aluminium footpegs are now also standard fit. As before, LCD instruments feature a Shift Up and Gear Position function. All lighting is LED, with optimised high/low headlight beam from the new headlight and position lights. The 2022 CB500F will be available in the following colour options: Grand Prix Red Matt Axis Grey Metallic **NEW for 2022**  Pearl Smokey Gray **NEW for 2022**  Pearl Dusk Yellow **NEW for 2022**

22YM HONDA CB500F - Key Features 3.1 Chassis & Styling - New 41mm Showa Separate Function Fork Big Piston (SFF-BP) USD forks - New dual 296mm discs matched to Nissin radial mount two-piston calipers - Lighter weight wheels and swingarm, plus aluminium footpegs - More forward weight bias for enhanced front tyre grip - Revised LEDs for the headlight for improved high/low beam Light, strong and unchanged for 2022, the 35mm diameter steel diamond-tube mainframe has a tuned degree of yield that gives plenty of feedback to the rider as road surfaces change. The shape and position of the engine mounts, plus the frame’s rigidity balance, keep vibration to a minimum. Immediately obvious is a brand-new front end set-up. With the aim to heighten sporty handling performance the 41mm telescopic forks of the previous design have been replaced by Showa 41mm Separate Function Fork Big Piston (SFF-BP) USD forks, clamped by new top and bottom yokes. By dividing the functions – Big Piston pressure separation damper in one leg, spring mechanism in the other – reaction and ride quality are both improved. The four-cylinder CB650R uses the exact same set-up. In a further effort to improve the ride quality, the 2022 CB500F features new lighter wheels with 5 Y-shaped spokes rather than the 6 of the previous model. The front wheel width remains 3.5inch with a 120/70-ZR17 tyre and the rear 4.5inch with 160/60-ZR17 tyre. A redesigned swingarm also shaves grams; it’s now constructed from 2mm steel (rather than 2.3mm) and employs a hollow cross member and crisply redesigned chain guard. Stiffer rotationally, the new swingarm is also more flexible laterally to improve handling. The single-tube rear shock absorber (as found on larger capacity sports bikes) with its large-diameter piston ensures excellent response and temperature management; it features 5-stage preload adjustment with spring rate and damping settings optimised to match the forks.

22YM HONDA CB500F In line with the dynamic improvements to the chassis and suspension, the braking performance has also been improved. The single 320mm and two-piston caliper front brake from the previous model has been replaced by dual 296mm discs and Nissin radial-mount, two-piston calipers. The introduction of the smaller discs not only keeps any additional weight gain to a minimum, but also reduces the required pressure on the lever when braking. The new CB500F’s kerb weight remains 189kg, but it places more weight on the front wheel than the previous model to promote more nimble handling and improve front end grip: front/rear bias percentage is now 49.7/50.3 (compared to 46.8/53.2). Wheelbase remains 1410mm with rake and trail of 25.5°/102mm. The naked form exudes aggression. Led by the sharply-chiselled headlight – now even more piercing with extra-powerful LEDs and a new stronger cluster arrangement, plus high-visibility front indicator position lights – the machine’s stance is low-set and ready for action; the side shrouds interlock with the fuel tank and fully emphasize the engine, while the side covers and seat unit continue the theme of muscular angularity. The compact front mudguard is drawn directly from the CB650R. Tapered handlebars offer intuitive feel and leverage. Seat height is low at 789mm, making the CB500F very easy to manage and its neutral riding position comfortably accommodates riders of any height. More purposeful-looking aluminium footpegs replace the previous rubberised parts; between the pair they save a further 104g. Overall dimensions are 2080mm x 800mm x 1060mm, with 145mm ground clearance. The fuel tank holds 17.1L including reserve and combined with the engine’s excellent 3.5L/100km (28.6km/litre) fuel economy, gives a range of over 485km.

22YM HONDA CB500F 3.2 Engine - Lively twin-cylinder powerplant delivers usable power and torque across the rev-range, plus sporty sound from its dual-exit muffler - New PGM-FI settings improve torque feel and character - New radiator design more stylish and lighter - Assist/slipper clutch eases upshifts and manages downshifts - Homologated for EURO5 The 2022 CB500F’s A2-licence friendly 471cc, 8-valve liquid-cooled parallel twin-cylinder layout offers a well-proportioned balance of physical size and willing, enjoyable power output, with an energetic, high-revving character and zappy top end. The 2019 upgrades created faster acceleration through a 4% boost in low-to-mid-range power and torque in the 3-7,000rpm range. It's very much an engine whose overall performance and character belie its relatively small capacity. Peak power of 35kW arrives at 8,600rpm, with 43Nm torque delivered at 6,500rpm. Feeding the PGM-FI fuel injection is a more-or-less straight shot of airflow through the airbox and throttle bodies and for the 2022 year model, new settings improve torque feel and character without compromising performance. The exhaust muffler features dual exit pipes, giving a sporting edge to each pulse, and a rasping high-rpm howl. A new more aesthetically pleasing radiator design contributes a 100g weight saving, with no loss of cooling efficiency.

22YM HONDA CB500F Bore and stroke are set at 67mm x 66.8mm and compression ratio is 10.7:1; the crankshaft pins are phased at 180° and a primary couple-balancer sits behind the cylinders, close to the bike’s centre of gravity. The primary and balancer gears use scissor gears, reducing noise. The crank counterweight is specifically shaped for couple-balance and its light weight allows the engine to spin freely, with reduced inertia. Acting as a stressed member, the engine complements the frame’s rigidity with four frame hangers on the cylinder head. Internally the cylinder head uses roller rocker arms; shim-type valve adjustment allows them to be light, for lower valve-spring load and reduced friction. A silent (SV Chain) cam chain has the surface of its pins treated with Vanadium, reducing friction with increased protection against wear. Inlet valve diameter is 26.0mm with exhaust valve diameter of 21.5mm. Piston shape is carefully designed to reduce piston ‘noise’ at high rpm. Friction is reduced by striations on the piston skirt (a finish that increases surface area, introducing gaps in which oil can flow for better lubrication). The ‘triangle’ proportion of crankshaft, main shaft and countershaft is efficiently compact. The crankcases uses centrifugally cast thin-walled sleeves; their internal design reduces the ‘pumping’ losses that can occur with a 180° phased firing order. A deep sump reduces oil movement under hard cornering and braking; oil capacity is 3.2L.The slick-changing six-speed gearbox is managed by an assist/slipper clutch.

22YM HONDA CB500F - Accessories A range of Genuine Honda Accessories are available for the CB500F. They include: 35L top box Rear carrier Tank bag Seat bag Smoke windscreen Heated grips 12V/USB Type-C sockets Seat cowl Wheel stripes Tank pad Main stand

22YM HONDA CB500F - Technical Specifications ENGINE Type Liquid-cooled 4 stroke, parallel twin Displacement 471cc No of Valves per Cylinder 4 Bore & Stroke 67mm x 66.8mm Compression Ratio 10.7: 1 Max. Power Output 35kW @ 8600rpm Max. Torque 43Nm @ 6500rpm Noise Level (dB) L-urban 74dB L-wot 76.4dB Oil Capacity 3.2L FUEL SYSTEM Carburation PGM FI electronic fuel injection Fuel Tank Capacity 17.1L (inc reserve) CO2 Emissions (WMTC) 80 g/km Fuel Consumption (WMTC) 3.5L/100km (28.6km/litre) ELECTRICAL SYSTEM Battery Capacity 12V 7.4AH ACG Output 23.4A/2000rpm DRIVETRAIN Clutch Type Wet multiplate, Assisted slipper clutch Transmission Type 6 speed Final Drive Chain FRAME Type Steel diamond CHASSIS Dimensions (L´W´H) 2080mm x 800mm x 1060mm Wheelbase 1410mm Caster Angle 25.5 degrees Trail 102mm Seat Height 789mm Ground Clearance 145mm Kerb Weight 189kg SUSPENSION Type Front Showa 41mm SFF-BP USD forks, pre-load adjustable Type Rear Prolink mono with 5 stage pre-load adjuster, Steel hollow cross swingarm WHEELS Type Front 5Y-Spoke Cast Aluminium Type Rear 5Y-Spoke Cast Aluminium Rim Size Front 17 x MT3.5 Rim Size Rear 17 x MT4.5 Tyres Front 120/70ZR17M/C (58W) Tyres Rear 160/60ZR17M/C (69W) BRAKES ABS System Type 2-channel Type Front Dual 296mm x 4mm disc with Nissin radial-mount two piston calipers Type Rear Single 240mm x 5mm disc with single piston caliper INSTRUMENTS & ELECTRICS Instruments LCD Meter with Speedometer, Bar Graph Tachometer, Dual Trip Meters, Fuel Level and Consumption Gauge, Clock, Water Temp, Gear position, Shift UP Indicator Headlight LED Taillight LED Security System HISS (Honda Intelligent Security System)   All specifications are provisional and subject to change without notice. # Please note that the figures provided are results obtained by Honda under standardised testing conditions prescribed by WMTC. Tests are conducted on a rolling road using a standard version of the vehicle with only one rider and no additional optional equipment. Actual fuel consumption may vary depending on how you ride, how you maintain your vehicle, weather, road conditions, tire pressure, installation of accessories, cargo, rider and passenger weight, and other factors.

22YM HONDA CB500F For more Honda Motorcycles UK news check out our dedicated page Honda Motorcycles UK News or head to the official Honda Motorcycles UK website honda.co.uk/motorcycles.html Follow us on social media: Instagram: @superbikenews Twitter: @sbknews Facebook: @superbikenews SBN Directory - add your motorcycle related business here

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[kimiraikkonenspace]

Race Results

Pos No Driver Car Laps Time/Retired PTS 1 33 Max Verstappen Red Bull Racing Honda 71 1:22:01.822 26 2 16 Charles Leclerc Ferrari 71 +2.724s 18 3 77 Valtteri Bottas Mercedes 71 +18.960s 15 4 5 Sebastian Vettel Ferrari 71 +19.610s 12 5 44 Lewis Hamilton Mercedes 71 +22.805s 10 6 4 Lando Norris McLaren Renault 70 +1 lap 8 7 10 Pierre Gasly Red Bull Racing Honda 70 +1 lap 6 8 55 Carlos Sainz McLaren Renault 70 +1 lap 4 9 7 Kimi Räikkönen Alfa Romeo Racing Ferrari 70 +1 lap 2 10 99 Antonio Giovinazzi Alfa Romeo Racing Ferrari 70 +1 lap 1 11 11 Sergio Perez Racing Point BWT Mercedes 70 +1 lap 0 12 3 Daniel Ricciardo Renault 70 +1 lap 0 13 27 Nico Hulkenberg Renault 70 +1 lap 0 14 18 Lance Stroll Racing Point BWT Mercedes 70 +1 lap 0 15 23 Alexander Albon Scuderia Toro Rosso Honda 70 +1 lap 0 16 8 Romain Grosjean Haas Ferrari 70 +1 lap 0 17 26 Daniil Kvyat Scuderia Toro Rosso Honda 70 +1 lap 0 18 63 George Russell Williams Mercedes 69 +2 laps 0 19 20 Kevin Magnussen Haas Ferrari 69 +2 laps 0 20 88 Robert Kubica Williams Mercedes 68 +3 laps 0

Note – Verstappen scored an additional point for setting the fastest lap of the race.

https://twitter.com/EvenstarSaima/status/1145716761137942528

  Alfa Romeo Racing Team Quotes

Weather: sunny, 33.6-33.2°C air, 51.7-51.5°C track

You have to be careful with promises. Some can be made in a spur-of-the-moment kind of way, some can be more thought-out – but one always have to stick to their word once the promise is made. So when Antonio promised Fred our team boss could take the scissors to the Italian’s luscious mane upon scoring a point, he should have foreseen the moment would eventually come.

And it did. A spirited performance by Kimi and one full of confidence from Antonio saw us claim our first double points finish of the season with P9 and P10. We’re particularly happy to celebrate the first point of “our Giovi”, finally getting this box ticked. It took guts. It took sweat. And, since a promise is a promise (especially to the boss), it definitely took a little bit of hair…

Frédéric Vasseur, Team Principal Alfa Romeo Racing and CEO Sauber Motorsport AG: “I am very pleased with the work we did today. We put two cars in the points for the first time this season and we showed again we can compete towards the front of the midfield. Both Kimi and Antonio raced intelligently, knowing when to attack and when to look after their tyres, and to have both scoring is a reward for the whole team. We could have perhaps scored a few more points in the end, when we were catching Sainz with both cars, but in the end we can be satisfied of what we got. We have been showing improvement in the last few races, so we will aim to build on that and continue our good run of points.”

Kimi Räikkönen (car number 7): Alfa Romeo Racing C38 (Chassis 04/Ferrari) Result: 9th Fastest lap: 1:09.126 Tyres: Used Soft (23 laps) – New Hard (47 laps)

“We can be satisfied with scoring points, it was a good result for the team. I had a good start and the first laps were pretty ok, but then it became a bit more difficult. I felt I lacked a bit of speed to challenge the cars around me and when I did have it, I had to be careful with the tyres. It was a balancing act, trying to keep the tyres alive long enough while still going fast enough. It was a bit of a shame but in the end we got a good result. We still have margin to improve. I feel we were a bit better yesterday, but our performance is improving.”

Antonio Giovinazzi (car number 99): Alfa Romeo Racing C38 (Chassis 02/Ferrari) Result: 10th Fastest lap: 1:09.051 Tyres: Used Soft (24 laps) – New Hard (46 laps)

“I’m so happy to score my first point. It’s a great feeling and it’s a big weight off my shoulders. I think this is the maximum we could have done today so I’m really pleased to have two cars in the top ten. We had a really positive qualifying yesterday, but today’s race was very difficult. Perez was right behind me for most of the afternoon and the pressure was heavy, but I really wanted this point. I feel a lot of our work has been rewarded today, but we have to continue moving forward. Since France we have done a step in the right direction and we have to keep it up.”

Weekend Gallery

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Round 9 / #AustrianGP Results, Gallery #Kimi7 Race Results Pos No Driver Car Laps Time/Retired PTS 1 33 Max Verstappen Red Bull Racing Honda 71 1:22:01.822 26 2 16 Charles Leclerc Ferrari 71 +2.724s 18 3 77 Valtteri Bottas Mercedes 71 +18.960s 15 4 5 Sebastian Vettel Ferrari 71 +19.610s 12 5 44 Lewis Hamilton Mercedes 71 +22.805s 10 6 4 Lando Norris McLaren Renault 70 +1 lap 8 7 10 Pierre Gasly Red Bull Racing Honda 70 +1 lap 6 8 55 Carlos Sainz McLaren Renault 70 +1 lap 4 9 7 Kimi Räikkönen Alfa Romeo Racing Ferrari 70 +1 lap 2 10 99 Antonio Giovinazzi Alfa Romeo Racing Ferrari 70 +1 lap 1 11 11 Sergio Perez Racing Point BWT Mercedes 70 +1 lap 0 12 3 Daniel Ricciardo Renault 70 +1 lap 0 13 27 Nico Hulkenberg Renault 70 +1 lap 0 14 18 Lance Stroll Racing Point BWT Mercedes 70 +1 lap 0 15 23 Alexander Albon Scuderia Toro Rosso Honda 70 +1 lap 0 16 8 Romain Grosjean Haas Ferrari 70 +1 lap 0 17 26 Daniil Kvyat Scuderia Toro Rosso Honda 70 +1 lap 0 18 63 George Russell Williams Mercedes 69 +2 laps 0 19 20 Kevin Magnussen Haas Ferrari 69 +2 laps 0 20 88 Robert Kubica Williams Mercedes 68 +3 laps 0 …

[thatcanadianfangirl]

Psychopath’s Weakness -Part. 2-

Dylan X Girl

   Part 1

Requested: Yes/No

Plot: Racing with an attractive guy who drives a Camaro, Phoenix didn't expect to end up in the hands of a cold blood killer.  

Word Count: 1,179

A/N: Dylan O'Brien AU were he’s been capturing girls with expensive cars. Killing them and keeping their beautiful cars. This isn't my gif. I'm to impressed with how this ended out, but a writer is never fully satisfied with their work.

my eyes fluttered open taking a few seconds to adjust to the dark scene in front of me. The hard and cold ground making themselves noticeable now. my arms grew sorer and sorer as I came conscious of my body, I seethed as I moved my neck from laying dead on my left shoulder.  

Slowly and finally tilting my head upwards seeing my hands bound by strong metal cuffs, strung by chains that reach the ceiling . Holding them above my head  as far as they could go without having my shoulders snap out of their sockets.

Remember the attractive psychopath, I couldn't of felt more betrayed. Other than the time I caught my boyfriend in bed with my best friend. Finding out they’ve been hooking up since him and I started dating the same night.

Instead of crying my heart out I slashed all four tiers of my boyfriends crappy Honda civic with a hunting knife. Scraped ‘Phoenix’s cheating bitch’ in all caps on both sides of the car with my car keys. And for my best friend I Broke into her house, well the front door was open. So it wasn't exactly braking in, I grabbed the kitchen scissors and cut up every single clothing item she owned. Carved ‘You lying slut’ onto her walls and again in all caps.

The low creaks of unfound stairs echoed through the basement of his house. That was the theory I came to stick with, They were slow, waiting three seconds before another one came. Giving me scared tingles that spread through my body.

Small feminine whimpers came from the dark, telling me there were other girls down here as well as me. I wasn't the first and I had a feeling I wasn't the last. Shoes hit the cement with a slap, “ Girls we went over this, no more whining. Didn't you learn from Courtney’s Mistakes?” His tone slick and taunting as the lights clicked on loudly as if it could of been a hanging string.

I internally groaned blinking my eyes repeatedly trying to dismiss the harsh light from my eyes. forcing them open trying to make them adjust to the brightness, only wanting to snap them closed again while they stung.

Courtney's names stayed in my mind, who was she? Did she have two loving parents and a sibling or did she have a husband and a child? All I knew was that she was murdered and there was no saying goodbye to her loved ones. Courtney was gone and her family had no idea she was.

“Morning girls.” his voice sickly enthusiastic, This was the moment I had a chance to see the others. One on either side of the walls, chained up like I was. The only difference was they had grey metallic duck tape covering their mouths.

The girl on the left had shoulder length hair looking like it has been teased for hours on end. her eyes a dull blue color, red and puffiness added. Dark make up dried all over her face, Her body tense and exhausted and she looked eighteen years old just getting out of high school    

The girl on the other wall looked older with her natural pale face. Her eyes strained of bright green, like she hasn't slept for days. Jet black hair reaching the mid of her back. I couldn't help but feel like throwing up at the sight of her extremely skinny figure, He’s been starving them.

“Today is your rest, I brought food.” He said as my eyes drank his figure in. A newly felt fear washed over me at the sight of him. Two trays in his hands, he placed the tray in front of the younger one first. Unlocking her hands from the bounds with the key he pulled from his pocket. Locking up her ankles quickly with chains I haven't noticed. it was sad watching how weak she had gotten, not having the strength to fight back.

“You can take the tape off now.” His voice now gentle as he walked to the other girl. Doing the exactly the same thing, The younger one slowly started to peal the tape from her mouth. Wincing only slightly. Once it was off she attended to the soup in front of her.

He gave me no glance as he started  heading for the stairs, This was my shot to purpose a deal to him. To save their lives even if it killed me in the process. "Wait." My voice rasped and vaguely deep. He stopped and turned to me as I felt the girls’  eyes on me.

“Let them go for my life,” I spoke up. A smirked speared on his face telling me I sparked his interest. Walking painfully closer to me until he squat right I'm front of me. My throat became dry, but I made sure to hold onto every string of my courage. “What would I use you for?” He asked.

“Slavery, murder, torture, pleasure. Whatever you want.” I purposed to him having a calm voice and a serious expression. giving him enough to believe me, “You’d do that for two strangers you don't know?” He asked.

“Yes,”

“Why”

“Because that’s just the type of person I am.”  he played with his hands as he adjusted his feet a little bit. His bright eyes flashing with emotions saying he was truly considering this.

“I’ve never met a person as willing as you to save lives, now that's a beautiful soul. Now tell me if I agree to your deal, how would I do that?” He asked brushing his hand through a strand of my hair. Ignoring his soft touch as I continued to stare into his black soul.

“Blind fold them, drive them near a gas station. Leave them there with the blind folds still on.”

“They’d know what I look like.”

“They know what you can do, they wouldn't  risk sending anyone after you.”

“I like you, you're stronger.”

“I was raised to be, don't be so surprised, Camaro.”

“Right I forgot.” He chuckled darkly. He stood swiftly walking backwards slow paced. The girls watched as he looked at them, “Looks like you're getting out of here.” He slyly said, finally making his way up the stairs.

I smiled feeling like I’ve won the most amazing award out there. I’ve saved two innocent lives with the deal of my life. I won die in vain I’ll die because I saved lives.

“Thank you so much, I owe my life to you. There is no way to repay you.” The delicate voice sounding like it belonged to the younger girl spoke up.

“We’ll send some on for you, that’s how we’ll thank you.” The older one finally spoke after  a few silent seconds.

I shook my head. “ I was serious about sending someone, plus what’s the harm on staying for a little longer.” I said looking from one to the other, giving them a reassuring smile. They went back to eating as I frowned at the ground, I didn't have a clue what he’s use me for. I was just hoping he wouldn't kill me off right away.

I was the beasts possession now.

@iloveteenwolf24

[agentstegosaurus]

“Hybrid!Tae and his grumpy owner Yoongi”!AU anyone? 

Yoongi couldn’t believe he allowed Jimin, of all people, to talk him into it. His colleague had been housing a “pet” for almost two months now and just within that short span of time, he’s heard enough of Jimin talking about his hybrid to last a lifetime. It started with his whining over “baby bun” knocking over his mutant clay art collection off of shelves and vandalising his coffee table before quickly taking shape to what he is now: a love sick teenager giggling at photos on his smartphone in between lunch breaks. Yoongi, being the colleague appointed the desk right across the room, suffers the very brunt of the transition. 

JM: Why don’t you try adopting one? A hybrid. 

YG: You must be fckn nuts, Park. 

He remembers vividly owning two delicate things in two equally delicate pink pots respectively from IKEA and neglected them enough to have them brown and wilted well into the first 3 days of his guardianship. Now he owns one miniature-sized cactus, placed strategically at the centre of the kitchen island where he would not fail to be reminded to water at intervals of every 2-3 weeks. Owning a hybrid, (he once ruminated on in a rare moment of insanity) with having to place multiple reminders on his handheld in addition to the lengthy hours he is habituated to spending in a cubicle behind his laptop on weekly basis, would prove an even far greater challenge. He isn’t about to risk standing at the receiving end of a pitchfork for animal cruelty in courtesy to his spine-breaking schedule; something he has no control over. He doesn’t have the patience.

JM: It can be challenging, that I agree with, but you’ll get used to it and you’ll adapt. They aren’t entirely what their pamphlets say. They are capable enough to look after themselves even with the absence of their owners. Just look at me and Jungkookie. 

YG: That took you a whole month to stop mourning over your clay art. 

JM: But you don’t have clay art.

YG: I’m an office worker. That’s enough reason to not have another living creature to look after. 

JM: Your cactus doesn’t count, do you know that? 

YG: My cactus is probably what has me sane thus far with your whining in front of me every other day. So STFU. 

Maybe it wasn’t Jimin that struck the final nail into his coffin. He had been scrolling through his emails and clearing out the junk file at his desk when a sliver of words pinned in between receipt emails caught his attention. Clicking on it, he found himself recognising the label, the logo. It was advertisement on hybrids. There was a promotion. Although, before the words could crystallise to form a solid idea, Yoongi had flatly deleted the email before going about the rest of his day; concentrating his focus and energy solely on the innate nature of the tasks at hand. He made up his mind, he was not about to be beaten down back to square one with mere clickbait. A one-week trial. While the promotion lasts. Yoongi found himself physically shaking his head.

The idea only came slithering back from the backwaters of his lethargic mind on the drive home. He saw a mother walking down the crest of a hill with a daughter secured and safe within her grasp. He saw the warm cast of orange glow illuminating enough to display a figure nuzzling close to the warmth of their significant other on a park bench. And he thought of Jimin’s Jungkookie waiting just outside of the office building just a few minutes ago; couldn’t wait long enough for his owner to finally come home. Yoongi, in his slick black Honda, chanced a glance down to the takeout on the passenger seat strapped in on his right. He felt adequate. 

When Yoongi reached his studio apartment with the punch of combinations to the keypad and greeted by a dark hollow space, he couldn’t help but feel slightly bare and empty. Not completely but he felt it all the same. 

That was how he found himself seated against the plush of his cushions with his reading glasses on the bridge of his nose, damp hair pushed slightly to a side and his laptop snug on his lap, the lamp to his right gave a warm yellow glow in contrast to the dark of the rest of the apartment. 

He submitted a registration form alongside a completed online questionnaire and had a deposit banked in just in time for bed time.  

-

Yoongi was well-aware of the constant updates that mark a dot in his inbox. 7 days turned to 4 and so on and so forth. At the moment, he became occupied with a project thrusted under his nose at short notice and he had no time to waste, and even little time to check progress on the delivery. Even Jimin who would typically go through the trouble of waxing poetic about his “baby bunny” at some point through the stretch of the day hadn’t done so till the week finally lifted to give way to Friday and the work was mostly done. 

Returning from the offices and dragging his almost lifeless body to his unit that evening, Yoongi was consumed with torpidity that weigh themselves heavy on his shoulders and eyelids. He felt the knots taut on his back and his jaw clench and unclenched to the early onset of an insufferable migraine. But his spirits were high and there was a lightness to his step. He could finally have that quality shut-eye he’s been robbed of. 

Only that what stopped his tracks, placed square and exact by the foot of the entrance to his apartment, was a large enough box to span half the height of his apartment’s door. Yoongi found himself recognising the label, the logo. It was his delivery. Despite himself completely capable of recalling the events of just approximately a week ago, he felt his stomach drop, his mouth inept of forming saliva. Holy fck. He knew was this was about. 

After a heartbeat, placing his bag down by the side and a quick lick of his chapped lips, he manoeuvred enough around the parcel to open his apartment’s door and consequently pushed the hefty weight inside. 

It took him awhile. He had the patience to change out his stripped tie, button down and slacks to give way to a pair of sweat pants and shirt before getting himself a glass of cold water from the refrigerator. Maybe it wasn’t patience stalling him. If the telltale signs of the rapid pump of his carotid artery was any indication amongst others. 

So after another round of glass of water, Yoongi eventually got down to it. Armed with a pair of scissors, he jammed the tip to one side before he began searing through the cellophane tape and breaking open the seal. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be fine. 

Yoongi cared for, and remembered so very little about the texture of the box and weigh of the flaps under the pads of his fingers. That is, when all he could remember next were the alarms ringing in his ears as he was knocked back, shoulders meeting the hard polished wooden floorboards with the loud fumble of the parcel before claws dug into his torso, a lean figure engulfing the whole of his height, brown bangs, a long, long spotted tail with its matching set of ears. Almost contradicting with the harshness of the pressure applied to his poor ribcage, Yoongi found himself caught in the attention of two calm, hazel eyes. 

A cheetah hybrid.