#they pay for my meds bc they want me to be a functioning member of society that can eventually get married to a man and give them grandkids

[mainfaggot]

Spent so much time around my parents today wow i dont belong here i am not the ideal child at all

[icarusgf]

i very desperately want 2 start therapy this yr bc my anxiety is getting to the point where i rly wld prefer to b medicated bc it is lowkey getting debilitating .. but i am on my parents insurance and i like dont think they wld approve lol . also this might be a silly fear/concern but i cant swallow pills its probably a mental block bc obviously ive swallowed like candies bigger than a pill but my entire family like does not really take medication and the one time i had to take antibiotics when i got my wisdom teeth removed i had to crush them up so now i j have an irrational fear of pills and any pill based meds. but like i am slowly becoming financially independent (aside from tuition lmfao but like my basic daily needs) and i have a lot of money saved from my internship last summer and the internship i got this summer also pays a good amt .. so im like i probably COULD pay for therapy out of pocket (?) without letting my parents know but also. i have no idea how id go about setting that up. also given that i dont just have racks and racks of disposable income it makes me feel financially irresponsible to spend my money on therapy (and not like food lmao) when like .. technically i have had anxiety for years and i have survived and am a well functioning member of society so how bad could it actually be to keep being unmedicated ??? but also like i spend money on trips and feel less distraught/guilt over that its not like those are living needs the way food is and arguably therapy + meds wld be a bigger improvement to my life than like a lil weekend trip w friends. i think mostly im just intimidated by the thought of finding a therapist and figuring out payment stuff lol

[presszl]

Hi! As someone who deals with lifelong chronic GI (gastro intestinal issues) and ive got some little tips for your trouble! (If you want, feel free to ignore if you want.)

1. Of course if you can, look into a doctor that specializes in gastro issues, bc a professional opinion is the best thing you can get. They may also point you in the direction of some over the counter meds that can really be life changing! Don't be afraid to get into detail, ya gotta say whats up.

2. Try to look for probiotic products, they'll help with digestion health!

3. Perhaps do get allergy testing, bc depending on your symptoms you might be allergic to something that you commonly consume.

4. Keep track of what you eat, if you have the attention span keep a record of what you eat and how it makes you feel after. This is how i figured out I'm sensitive to dairy, greasy foods, tomatoes and a handful of other odd specifics!

5. (This is a bit gross srry) but if your troubles lie especially in the in the lower intestines levels and functions, make sure you pay attention to the productions, and log that along with what you ate prior. If you have like, a Lot Of Blood, its not normal and you should get a doc's attention about what to do, for it could mean a lot and not a whole lot good. (As u can see im sidestepping a lot of words um. Again sorry. I know u dont want some anon talking abt the scary/ickyness bits)

6. For some reason i find bread sometimes agitates on bad days (other fam members can recite why but i can never remember why) so if you find yourself making a lot of sandwiches, maybe just roll the ham n cheese or whatev up in a little tube and consume it that way! Or do the bread for lettuce swap but ive heard a lot of recalls so maybe not-

7. If you want a more natural reliever for stomach issues, Ginger is your bestie. Tea, candies, get a product you can tolerate and keep it handy. If there is a ginger candy id reccomend, it would be Gin-Gin's, but specifically the hard candy kind. The flavor is somewhat strong but it's easy to get used to when your bod gets to know it helps (or u can just. Cronch) ginger is the main one i remember currently but research into what can alleviate naturally is worth it, cuz sometimes it's all you need on a decently troubled day!

8. Things like tums can also help, worse comes to worse take some ibuprofen with it too. Pain is best not endured is the motto.

Anyways, that's the advice i have! I hope it helps, pretty please take care and reach out to those that can support you! You deserve to lead as painless of an existence as possible. Gn! - 🦓

marry me right now 💍

YES omg so i am doing some of these things (seeing a GI again, taking ginger frequently (550 mg pills once a day)) but i know i need to get my ass in gear & start logging what i eat & stuff (a little late to do it ten days before my appointment but anything works i guess?)

i did not know that about bread or probiotic stuff and i've been curious about allergy testing for a little while now. i suspect red sauce might be troublesome?? but that's just because that's what i was told is troublesome so. idk LMAO. spicy food is obviously a no go, i will never eat spicy things again unfortunately

all in all your message is very appreciated!!! i have never gotten a thorough bullet list of tips like this before & tbh coming from an actual person it is more helpful than just rereading medical websites over & over and not knowing what's true or what's not u know. i am proposing right now

[chaoticrayne85]

First time

So we decided to do this new thing for us. We had been living in my mother-in-law's house for the past couple of years bc it was empty and someone needed to be living there among other reasons. Well back a couple of months ago through a few different circumstances we all decided it was best if she moved back in with us until we could find us a new place. Long story short my husband is in construction and we had been talking about getting a camper so it's easier for us to move with the job. Well we bought one and had planned to do a few renovations before moving into it. That didn't happen. One of us...me...can't stand living with other family members except my husband including both mine and his parents because well I have been on my own as an adult since I was 20 yrs old for the most part as in had my own place trying to stand on my own feet. I just have problems living under someone else's roof and feel like everything I do is being scrutinized. I also have issues with someone coming in a changing everything I have setup in a place I'm residing in without asking or them putting my stuuf out on the porch when I'm not home. Yes I blew up and yes I showed my true colors. I got called disrespectful because I blew up. Long story short we are now living in the camper. Very few renovations have been done. We moved all our furniture to my old trailer which is nothing but storage now thanks to my ex husband. And almost all of the rest of our stuff is split between my trailer and our camper. We made this change in 2 days. Now we all know how hard any move is on us spoonies. We pay dearly for it. I was already in a small flare from the stress I'd been under then added the exhaustion of moving to it the end result hasn't been very pretty. I spent most of the week in bed. I spent Thursday in severe pain worse than I'd ever been in before but I was able to get relief with a toradol that knocked me out so I slept all day. Then on Sunday the level my pain reached was unimaginable! I tried everything in my toolbox (advil, flexeril, hot shower, laying flat, stretches, walking, balling up in a little ball, even toradol) nothing touched the pain! I finally got so exhausted that my body gave up fighting and shut down for the next 12-14 hrs I slept like a baby. A very painful baby but a baby none the less. I had cried in pain so much I cried myself to sleep. My husband had tried to get me to go to the ER for 2 days and I refused because I didn't want to be treated like a drug seeker. I normally won't take opioid pain meds very often because I prefer to function but Sunday I would have at least tried one to see if it helped. I woke up Monday some time and felt pretty good except being a little sore. I have had a migraine off and on since moving in here. I learned something I really like about living in a camper though... It's much easier to make a camper dark and migraine friendly than it is to make a whole house migraine friendly. Lol Moving to a camper full time is a big decision for anyone but for us as spoonies the decision is something that needs to be considered on a different scale. Moving anywhere is a huge ordeal for us but if you are considering making the move to a full time rver ask yourself 3 questions:

1. Can I give myself the time I need to slowly move the important things at my pace to give my body time to rest everyday and the time that I need to go through my 1100+squ foot house and all its contents so I can downsize?

2. If you need special equipment like a wheelchair or handrails is a camper going to be able to accommodate those items if so what type of camper would work for your needs and would it need any modification?

3. Will my body handle sleeping on a camper mattress, and bedframe or will your mattress be best for you.

I don't have any special equipment that doesn't really fit in here but have decided to add a handrail outside and get some portable steps that aren't quite as far down as the first step on our camper. Some days my feet just don't get that high and I have days I'm very off balance like today so need a handrail as a just in case. We also took the queen size mattress out, knocked down the built in nightstands, and extended the bedframe to accommodate our king size mattress. It's a little harder than it was on the box springs so we will be adding a comfy mattress pad soon. Make sure your rv/camper works for your needs.

Now that we're in ours and my body has caught up some from the move we're gonna enjoy the ride. Just see where this road takes this spoonie next!

[hitaka5ever]

So my aunt thinks I should tell my paper that this is my last week and leave the last week of the year for them to deal with finding a replacement, instead of me waiting to quit in January. Please read the next part before answering this question: If you were me, do you agree with my aunt, and would you tell my boss at the paper that this is your last week, or wait until January to quit like they asked me (or practically begged me lol) to do?

My work schedule as of right now for both jobs:

I deliver papers Tuesday through Saturday at noon to 5 (I can finish everything in ~2 hours)

I work at Walmart Friday-Tuesday at 10pm to 7am (I will have Christmas Eve into Christmas Day off, as Walmart is closed on Xmas Day) I get 2 15-minute breaks and one 1-hour lunch break

My sleep schedule as of right now:

After my shift at Walmart, I get home at 7:15am or so and I go to sleep until noon or 2pm to deliver newspapers until ~5pm

After I finish my route, I try to go back to sleep until 8pm, so that gives me ~2 hours to be awake and get ready for me to go to Walmart at 9:30-45pm

My health for both jobs:

As I'm not used to walking around for several hours a day, the bottoms of my feet and my shins/ankles pay the price at Walmart. My mental health is normal thanks to my medication

Riding my bike doesn't hurt my legs too bad, but I don't get to have much time to let me feet and legs rest before going to Walmart 4-6 hours later. My mental health is normal bc of my meds, but before I was working at Walmart, I was getting really sick of my job, hence why I was looking for new employment in the first place

If you've made it this far, thanks for taking the time to read! Under the read more is my overall opinion, what my family members think I should do, and asking the question in the title again, so please continue reading before answering. Thank you <3

My overall opinion:

2 weeks left doesn't seem like too much trouble. I've worked for the paper for over 13 years, so what's only 2 weeks more? I AM still capable of doing both jobs. Plus, having income for both jobs is a pretty good deal, especially with all the Christmas tips I get from my paper route customers

However, the point of working at Walmart was to let me quit a job that doesn't pay well and has been giving me mental health problems for the last several months. Bc of the paper calling me about me having to get a sub last Wednesday (there was a power outage and my papers wouldn't be deliverable before my Orientation at 3:30pm), I had to tell them about my employment at Walmart. Before, I wanted to wait until after Christmas to say anything, but bc I got to tell them last week, my boss asked me if I could stay on until the new year, so that they could get a replacement. I told them I would be okay with that at the time, but now I'm not entirely sure

Since my boss practically begged me to stay on for the end of the year, bc I'm aware of how understaffed they are, I felt guilty that I wanted to leave as soon as I was hired by Walmart, simply bc I've worked there so long and I care about my customers. But in the end, working for a company that doesn't pay me well is enough for me to want to finally leave, regardless of how understaffed the paper is

So far, I've been doing pretty okay doing both jobs bc I get to sleep quite a bit between both time frames, my only main issue currently is the pain in my feet and ankles/shins. If I want my physical ailments to go away so I can function my very best at Walmart, then the logical decision would be to finally quit the paper, let my feet and legs rest all day after my Walmart shift, and only work 8 hours a day

I asked mum what she thinks I should do, and she thinks I should tell work that Christmas week is my last week. My aunt says that's what I should do too. If I asked my dad, I think he would tell me to stick with it until the new year (tho his reasoning is bc that means I make more money in order to pay the rent, which I wanna raise to $500 a month thanks to the good bi-weekly paycheck from Walmart) I think my 2 siblings would agree with my mum and aunt too

So now that you've read all of that (if you did, thank you, I really appreciate your opinion on this matter) here's the question again from the title: If you were me, would you tell my boss at the paper that this is your last week, or wait until January to quit like they asked me to do?

[babblingbat]

Various Characters I meant to post Months ago

Various Characters of mine

I have so many I want to write (some) of them down! This is a suuuuuper long post so more under the cut! Includes a spy, a crime lord/activist, and a bargaining warlock (I have to reblog this later bc tumblr threw a hissy fit about the length)

X

- Kinda in a Bond-esque spy agency, but more of a contractor

- When everything goes to shit, you can count on them to fix it

- Nonbinary protege of whoever is in charge of the tech division (Mezza? Sloane? Dixon? idk, but they have a hell of a shady past and there’s like… noooothing that can keep Sloane out of computer systems)

- X isn’t formally recognized by APO (authorized personnel only, the spy agency) but they do have access to all information because of a backdoor Sloane made

- So I guess the name is Sloane

- Anyways, X goes on the black ops of black ops, typically with either mercenaries or no back-up at all

- Thus trust issues and like the opposite of dependency - they have so much trouble asking for things but are willing to help anyone or offer material assistance - if they have it

- X is nonbinary and really doesn’t have any preferences on pronouns, as long as they aren’t he/him or she/her

- They’re also autistic and shut down if there’s too much loud noise or if they’re just too tired for some reason - sometimes this means going nonverbal or just Not Functioning and their favorite way to feel better is to sit on the ground, wrap themselves in a blanket and listen to music - so in conclusion they don’t really use guns unless there’s a silencer, and they aren’t v good with them

- A huge part of their espionage function is language!

- They speak German, Spanish, Japanese, FSL, and ASL all idiomatically

- They also speak Russian, French, and Afrikaans, but not fluently

- They can swear and count to ten in Korean and Czech

- They’re pursuing a PhD in computational linguistics, though APO gets in the way

- They’re 24, and have a bizarre set of skills because both of their job, previous jobs and jobs they hold as a cover to pretend they pay their taxes, and special interests

- Sloane is only 7 years older than them, and recruited X out of high school

- At first it was small things, like ‘pick up this book from Elm Street and drop it at Main�� but it got bigger after they graduated

- When X turned 18, they went through formal training - protocol, combat, and analysis

- They’d done some martial arts before hand, but not much punching, mostly kicking, throws, and staffs (5 and 6 feet)

- X’s main job is to clean up messy situations, usually by stealing things or extractions, and their own ops are less combat oriented than the clean ones

- X is not the best at math, not by a long shot, but they can see patterns from a mile away

- “I am the fact guardian, guardian of the facts!” “Puzzles quiver before them!” “FUCK OFF”

- They do simple division when bored and solve a lot of math things by finding patterns and using them

- X is both their designation in the agency (as in ‘x factor’) and their actual name- they use an alias for college

- They live with a few people, most of whom complain at their erratic sleep schedule and ask that please, for the love of god, X gets sleep meds and just a solid 8 hours, for once

- Sloane eventually sends X on an op to extract Mel, Sloane’s girlfriend and top operative

- X doesn’t know what to tell Mel, so mostly they just tell them that things will be answered later

- Mel asks Sloane, who reluctantly explains X’s role, and this sets some things into motion of X eventually being brought into the spotlight

- They have several hearings about their activities

- Eventually, Seville (who runs things? I guess) tells them to carry on as they do, reporting directly to Sloane, but they are recognized now by the APO

- There are three other things I want to fit in:

- Goes missing for [period of time], leaving a very close friend behind, comes back after being presumed dead and no memories, apparently solved a conspiracy and now has many illegal friends who all enjoy thievery

- Magic is a thing (because it wouldn’t be my words if it wasn’t lmao) and common enough that people know it exists but rare enough that it’s kinda intimidating and sometimes people will freak out about it, despite plenty of people having it.

X has/develops magic at some point but is terrified to tell anyone and tries to hide it from their team (which is now their family, love that trope) because they don’t want to be barred from the APO, but it comes out accidentally during a mission

- X’s infodumping saves the day somehow

The Celestian

- K so this is more about an organization, but the Celestian lives in a like a 1920s fantasy setting and likes dancing

- They run a social activism group masquerading as a crime network that uses queer bars and stuff as fronts

- To get money, they dance competitively with their bodyguard and d8m8, the BFF (butch femme fatale) who identifies as a nb lesbian

- To get into any of the places where actual political dismantling and activism happens, who have to have very specific patterns on your nails - nail painting is a method of communication and is also a huge teambuilding exercise

- There are different codes for everything

- When cops try and get in (they can only find the places if they have a member of the Queer Folk), the code is “blue denim” and then the person caught tells the police they need nail polish and then laugh as they get caught, as if they were bullshitting the whole thing

- Other things are called “10:50 am” which looks like a sleepy eye

- Or “songbird rhapsody” which is also a popular song that the Celestian sings at clubs

- Or “money” which is just a green splotch on all the nails

- If you’re a member of the Queer Folk, you get a crate monthly of money and nail polish, and special things on birthdays and holidays

- The Queer Folk do everything from organize protests to take kids in and try to pay for their education through crime - as in robbery from different places

- Their crimes always have a certain flair to them - they value creativity and snazziness

- The Celestian is like 5’ 3” (which, to be fair, is 3 inches taller than I am) and the BFF picks them up a lot

- They don’t like alcohol or caffeine but drink herbal tea 24/7

- If they don’t, something is very, very wrong

- They have a prosthetic leg

Red

- Literally in high school

- A warlock! They traded their gender and all “gender identifying features” to a trans demon for magic powers

- The demon mostly asks them to get coffee and stuff because the demon isn’t very good at bargaining and just wanted Red’s gender, but it’s expected of a patron to keep using the warlock for things

- (on the demon phone) “hey so this is super duper important and if you could get it in the next half hour that’s the best thing”

“what is it”

“alright so go to the corner of Lincoln and Greenleaf, turn three times to your right, once to your left, and a door should open behind you. Don’t try to turn towards it, just fall backwards”

“if I fall onto poison ivy or concrete I’m breaking my fucking contract”

“No, no no no, you’ll appear in that good good heaven spot”

“… the coffee shop?”

- Red focuses on science in their school

- Every interaction is a deal. E V E R Y I N T E R A C T I O N

- Breakfast? “I’ll give you the salt if you hand over the pancakes”

- Entering a building? “Hold the door open and I’ll give you praise”

- School? “You want me to tell you what I do in my spare time? Give me an A on my midterm and I’ll tell you”

- The last one has left a lot of teachers confused and more than a little scared of the silly little nerd in their class

- Honestly, they have straight A’s because they make deal after deal about grades. They never cheat on tests, but they make deals, hold people to them, and know what they’re doing

- Red’s demon is getting a little worried with all the deals

- Red is most accustomed to deals rather than anything else because they think that unequal exchange (i.e., gifts) is really suspect

- That said, Red has no problems altering “equal” exchange to benefit them

- If they ever became a business owner, they would be terrifying

- They want everything to turn out the best it can for every one but… are not fans of laws

- They have many Opinions on law, its enforcement, and the government

- That cousin that will tell you constantly about how the government is corrupt and should be rebooted with the youngest people as the primary interest

- Anarchy? Not quite, but revolution? Most definitely

- No angst, just high school silliness and chaos

- Has no idea what’s going on 90% of the time - a kid on a sportsball team did something amazing, people started treating him like shit for adults liking him, and Red had no idea until like 3 months later

- Red just kinda lives in their head

- Did they hear what you just said? Nah, but they sure did hear that wristwatch every time it clicked on the second.

- Likes the sound of adventure, but mostly gets lost in Ikea and makes deals with the eldritch monsters in the mattress section

- SUCH A SHITTY SENSE OF DIRECTION, COULD GET LOST IN A GRID WITH MAPS AT EVERY INTERSECTION

- Charismatic, but mostly in the sense of lying their ass off and persuading people

- Once tried to go a day without making a deal (on a dare), ended by making a deal to not have to ever do that again

- Businesses both hate and love them - they pay for nothing but will bargain away odd things of equivalent value every time and catch shoplifters, dislikes shoplifters because it’s not a fair trade

- Bizarrely good luck with finding things in pockets, particularly to “pay” for things

[shytiff]

June Small Wins

1 - ecmocard meeting with ppl from aussie to learn to sort out data. Felt better after the meeting cause i didnt feel like doing anything before. Got two season deli box cake from dapur cokelat for nessa. Videocalled w her and ren.

2 - dr eva chatted and gave things to do. I also need to make intern log for dr retha. I just cant bring myself to start. Finally mustered the courage. Im not the type of person for wfh. At least in this house. Finished reading love or hate. I rly felt like shit at night.

3 - started reading positively yours. Had no will to do anything

4 - some more sending spss work for dr eva. weekdays with no “outside work” rly render me useless in functioning. a vegetable

5 - iluni webinar. Lost my attention during electrolyte and fluid stuff. tried to cook ribeye steak lmao (meat from @/fridaymeatshop). Its too chewy and leathery. But its not too welldone. And at least it tastes good. Went to depok by krl. its quite quick since krl arrived just after im at poris and duri. went ahead of silvi devi. satpam on the lobby wont open the access hhhh (i dont have one. i dunno why. mom said she cant find it although we supposedly have 2). but my mood improved once im upstairs. we prepped a bit of deco. conversed in the dark so not to make racheel suspicious. surprisee. had truffle belly chicken cheese for dinner. the cheese was not to cheesy, its more of a gentle taste. mushroom tastes better. we watched sweet and sour from my mobile data. surprisingly, its not that much of data. slept at like 12-1ish

6 - the electric token went out in the morning. we went for a walk in ui. the PLK man across of st ui forbade us from going in. ugh. but it was rly empty. so we went from barel. its empty on the library. there was a dog that walked along with us. talked a bit in front of the lake. went back. i got 2 moon chicken (the basic flavor and not the wings) and spicy jumeokbap. the jumeokbap was nothing like what i had in korea. like the seaweed’s taste doesnt come out that much, and its not that flavorful/savory. the one in korea its good even by itself. went back to jkt nebeng reza silvi with devi. originally planned to go to flavola, but my head kinda hurts, so i finished my moon chicken at the mushola and asked juan to pick me up. still feel healthy and normal after going and staying out, so i started reading a book abt handwriting analysis lmaoo. fell asleep. tried several attempts to figure out my bpjs number and turns out the best there is to respond is BPJS’ twitter. the problem was solved under 5 mins. 

7 - woke up, fell asleep again. Adita told me that i might be interviewed today for the ipd intern but theres no info. Did the registration stuff for my bpjs. Registered for npwp. Watched bts x na pd

8 - off to RSF. its audit day today. hiks to phonecall follow up work. i did not do anything inaco related, i just sat there and did dr dafsah’s excel. dr vera bought me pecel ayam hehe yay. went to como park to meet up with indah regen. tried ricotta pizza from pizza place (33k). the cheese is cheese but not that typical cheesy (?) coupled with mushroom. i had to add sauce to withstand the last bites (still kinda full). tried other’s as well, pesto and mushroom. pesto had the most taste. while waiting for doggo to arrive, we bought gelato (S: 35k). apparently their special flavor was ricotta lmao. tried green tea (bitter, which i like) and peanut butter + caramel, which makes you feel thirsty. watched the doggos from the sidelines. after maghrib we went to 1/15. ordered ice mocha (50k). the chocolate taste stood out more. not gonna order again lol. the staff initially recommended pandan flavor. took grab to gbk station to go home.

9 - rsf. second audit day. i hate it here lmao. im not even paid for my time here. excused myself to eat. turns out mbak Ai bought hokben. i almost forgot thanking her since i felt hungry with a bit of headache. talked a bit with dr retha regarding changes of assistant (since internship is soon). went back and immediately laid down in bed. mom bought pizza so thats what i ate for dinner. fell asleep (i can feel it. my face will get consequences)

10 - cant bring myself to do anything. i reread painter of the night lmao. seungho is a prick. inhun is also a prick (a greedy one). ate arirang bone marrow. put the egg-seasoning mixture to the pan since im not confident enough to just pour boiling water into the bowl. felt surprisingly full. went to sbux. green tea latte as usual. but turns out tumblr 50% promo only applies to sbux member. so i had to pay 40k for my green tea latte. at least i got to feel good from outside vibes. did some follow up for INACO patients. 

11 - went to rm rsf. Took lots of photos of RM. I was given rujak by the rm staff lmaoo so cute. Didnt do any entry afterwards lmao i just laid down

12 - breakfast is paldo jjajangmen and egg. It tasted like soy. Its good but not in a micin way. Its quite fulfilling. Had some of the beef slices by putting it in a buttered pan (is it pan fried? Grilled? Idk). Had banana and brownies together (makes it rly good). Did a bit of clires work. I drank sbux's caramel macchiato but yall my stomach cant handle it lmao. It hurts so much that i even got a headache. So i just laid down in bed

13 - had arirang again loll. Inserted the egg to the pan still, but quicker this time. Its too salty today. Maybe its not enough water. I was eating it while googling how to remove excess sodium. Ate the rest of beef slices (shared with bros ofc) and mixed some with moms fried rice. Ate banana brownies again. Felt soooo full. Did some clires work accompanied by sbux matcha

14 - i felt like shit this morning. Watched leahs vid. Listened to her podcast while having bfast. I walked from moms car to bougenville while still feeling like shit. It slowly gets better afterwards, thankfully. Did some clires and follow up. Went to gandy steak in dr retha's car (which had anesthesiology textbook inside). Tried aus sirloin steak. The bread tasted ok. The garlic bread also ok. The mashed potato was so so (the one in depok was more creamy and smooth). The steak was good, especially the fat part, the sauce so so. Honestly that depok steak had more value for money compared to this, i think. Nebeng dr rara and husband to busway station. Arrived in ar and i immediately showered, such wow 👏👏

15 - today is no rsf day aka self made wfh day. Moms getting vaccinated today. I just lazed. And read kanej fics

16 - off to rsf. Took care of rm stuff. Tried social affair's croffle since i was so curious (60k [10k tip]). The nutella and cinnamon sugar one. Its crunchy and a bit crumbly inside, but not as fragile as croissant. Its quite fulfilling too. But its basically flour batter variations. (thats what mom would say). randomly chatted racheel and we ended up taking a walk and a bit of jog citra 6 (with my sneakon regular shoes). My left tendon was screaming lol. Picked up by juan who surprisingly effortlessly found the address at night.

17 - mbak aan chatted me today to go to rscm. Met prof murdani at pesc and he gave me ppt assigment for 13:30 THAT DAY. Finished it unsatisfyingly (i wish i couldve done more). Lunch was free bebek bkb yay thankyou Prof c: (he even asked what did i ate) took care of legalisir stuff. Went home by tj. Drank matcha w vsoy and i somehow was not sleepy after maghrib. I also changed my desj layout. Maybe it kinda works to separate my spaces

18 - arrived at rscm at 8-ish. sent updated thibbun nabawi ppt. literature search. and then somehow its 14:30. went to SCI w ara wani rasyid. tried bandeng nyonya, oyster, salmon, cumi lada garam (its crazy good among all the good tasting food wtff), shrimp and pocai telor (veggie stuff). dessert was thailand cassava. spent about 190k. went back by TJ. had wudu at pulomas and prayed ashar on the bus lol. i passed out after playing w my phone lmaoo  

19 - spent almost the whole day just sleeping and eating. finally showered in the afternoon. had matcha vsoy latte after maghrib and with enough day sleeping, i did presentation outline. at like 1/2 am i initially planned to sleep but my eyes still have plenty of watts. so i read hold me tight. slept at like 4/5 am

20 - woke up at 9. off to om dokter’s house to ask for healthy letter. we talked almost the entire time im there lol. before u know it mom and dad’s done talking with grandma. om dokter shared some of his experiences in the past. and he said something about making your choice and living with it, and it will all have a meaning even if you might initially agonize about it. girl i was holding back tears. here he was talking about choices, something i never rly talk about at my house. im getting teary just typing this. he talked about it in a way that sounds simple, even though i agonized abt internship choices and sometimes avoid thinking about it. it rly rly was a new experience. i dont rly talk about “choices” with my parents. so hearing how to go through options in life from a person i can relate to regarding this med stuff is. i feel like i would have loved it if i can hear his wisdom earlier. i dont talk with him much if my parents are around bcs they will just meddle and say stuff that wreck my peace. they dont rly know what im going through but can be very opinionated. this peaceful one on one talk rly made me feel relieved and reassured. and i was today years old when i found out he initially wanted to be a psychiatrist. he would have been a great psychiatrist. i feel like we have some understanding thats left unsaid. like he knows how my parents are like. he would probably understand why i dont talk with him much at AR. after what feels super quick, we went back to AR. registered for STR. searched some literature for the topics that Prof is the moderator of. powered by matcha energy

21 - rscm as usual. the Prof did not come. lunch was bread i brought from home. waited for mom to pick me up at kfc so i bought pukis kfc. its like properly made pukis and not the street seller made ones. the chocolate one was good since the toppings generous. felt a bit feverish? like my body felt warm. fell asleep and then suddenly its 6 am in the morning. 

22 - Prof still did not came. had amart’s ayam penyet jamur for lunch. turns out juan bought ayam geprek gendut for dinner. night time is diarrhea time lmaooooo. did not feel sleepy at AR but i skipped shower again lmao,,,,,,,, and then suddenly its morning again

23 - jajan from sisterfield today. tried their carrot cake and kopi susu gula aren. the carrot cake has that carrot texture. its different. the icing was fresh cream cheese that made the cake taste good. the coffee made my stomach ache a bit. it has that subtle chocolatey taste. fell asleep again. third time’s the charm (of 1x/day face wash). woke up at 3 am planning to sleep but i ended up washing my face. turns out atikah was still awake due to AZ fever.

24 - this is the bestest sleep i had in this week (?) had a dream about going to bandung and the car falling to water. forgot my headset today. can finally meet prof Mur. talked abt inaco stuff w agassi. reread komugi meruem lmaoo. felll asleep. somehow had the misfortune of hearing dad’s hurtful words to mom. i want to fall asleep again but its difficuly. i went through stages of pent up anger, some sort of selfishness (i will go out from jakarta for internship), amazement to mom, and... (continue 2moro)

25 - lunch was dori rice from kanprim thanks to rasyid’s jastip. watched bts’ butter norebang lolll :(((. arrived at AR the fastest ive been. mom came to me right before maghrib and  summed some stuff dad said yesterday. she handled it in a trivial way. like she was unaffected. and that somehow helped me too. stuck around in the dining room for a while after maghrib. talked about internship w mom. i left some chance for dad to yap yap abt whatever related to internship (thankfully songs were full volume through my wireless headset) while im inhaling through my matcha latte. i wont write what he said bcs its lowkey super embarrassing. thank the gods for wireless speakers. 

26 - did not do anything productive today. Had arirang salted egg for bfast (wont repurchase). Had the meat cubes i bought online and its rly good. Ran with racil at citra 6. The tendon in my left feet hurt lol. Gmeet with ara et al to discuss internship review

27 - lazed. Wanted to start my day early but couldnt bring myself to. Binge watched twoset videos. Did clires stuff. 1 more RM to wait from IRMIK. No gastro intern work this weekend aaaa im starting to panic.

28 - juan came along otw to rscm. Talked about iship otw. brought tons of stuff to eat, including matcha latte, but i was unable to finish it lol. Discussed research budgeting w Prof. Didnt do anything in home. Starting to panic with my ppt progress.

29 - discussed budgeting revision. Prof thought abt little details i didnt even consider. Didnt do anything while at ar anjengggg

30 - prof did not come to dept today. Listemed to agassi rambling abt intern stuff. Immediately opened my laptop in ar. Watched two set. Played marapets lmaooo i finally managed to gather 3 au for shop pricer. But still didnot wash my face 👁️👄🤦‍♀️ maybe bcs i hate doing what people tells me to do (re: shower due to covid scare). Had a nightmare abt being in a car ride alone w dad and it was rly rly awkward

[neechoudai]

I don't usually like to vent about politics here but I'm kind of overloaded so if y'all would excuse me I need to get this out without dumping it all on a specific person since one of my resolutions is to cut down on my one-on-one venting

Skip this post if you don't want to hear bc I don't know how to do read more on mobile sorry

~

So we just got a call from someone related to my insurance saying I might be entitled to social security benefits because of my anxiety (since I now take meds)

When we got off the phone mom started complaining about the social safety net for the umpteenth time

Her complaints boil down to the following:

• they're calling and "begging" people to take money for things that "aren't even debilitating"

• who's paying for it

• what's to stop people from taking advantage and deciding to be "lazy and not work because they can just collect social security when they're just anxious"

• People Need To Be Contributing Members To Society In All Cases Otherwise They're Not Worthy Of The Basics Necessities To Live

• touches of assuming how much anxiety affects me and her constant insistence that any mental issue I have is only on the "high-functioning" end of the scale, which makes me have to live up to those expectations and run myself ragged or be called lazy for getting burnt out

So yeah I tried to say "well they're probably making sure my anxiety ISNT debilitating because some people do have it and the money could give them the resources they need to live while going to therapy and improving their mental state" but she didn't get it and "well what's to stop them from saying 'who cares' once they're better because they're getting money for nothing"

Dude. Honestly I would love to get paid for the hard work I do to act neurotypical.

We didn't even take the qualification survey or anything so for all I know they'd say "sorry it seems you're doing just fine but let us know if things change!"

I understand but I wish mom didn't assume that people are inherently lazy and taking advantage of Taxpayers' Money and stuff

[vaspider]

I wanted to ask abt the bit where you talked abt the "potentially harmful medications on the same Schedule". This isnt a callout by any means, im just curious as to what you meant by that (also as someone with ADHD THANK YOU for saying 'medications' instead of 'drugs' i see that SO often when ppl talk abt meds I need to function on a daily basis; also if this was more explained in the original post, i never saw that post). Feel free to answer however (public or private) i dont have a preference.

Sure. If you check my 'opioids' tag, I've written a lot about how very differently people who are prescribed Adderall are treated as opposed to people who are prescribed opioids such as oxycontin. I have used those 2 meds as a contrast specifically because I have long-standing personal knowledge of the difference.

The dosage of Adderall prescribed to the average teenager with ADHD can easily be as lethal as the average oxycontin scrip for a chronic pain patient. Adderall is easily abused. So they're good points of comparison.

Here's what I have to do to get a refill on my Xtampza (which replaced oxycontin on my insurance and is the same medication):

Doctor's appointment during working hours. Pee in a cup so they can drug test me every month. Only get 1 month scrip at a time. Carry the pieces of paper to the pharmacy. Be looked up in a state computer to make sure I'm not trying to refill too soon (and then they run my insurance separately). Only be given a 1 day grace period to refill in before I run out. Be treated like shit in the ER if I'm ever hurt, and have been thrown out of an ER and called a drug seeker, with diagnostic tests canceled, only to return less than 8 hours later vomiting violently and have my gall bladder removed, the thing I came in complaining about. Be constantly treated by doctors as if I'm trying to pull a fast one on them for more drugs, despite a perfect record that's years long. Come back next month for another 1month prescription so I can pee in a cup again and pay for the appointments and the drug testing.

Here's what I have to do to get an Adderall refill for my family member:

Leave a message on their Doctor's refill line. Drive up to the office, pick up a 90-day prescription. Drive it to the pharmacy.

... slightly different, isn't it? Both drugs are abusable, cause addiction or dependence, and can easily be lethal, and are both Schedule 2 drugs.

Big difference, though, yeah? I've never seen a doctor treat my family member differently bc they take Adderall, either. It may happen, I'm sure it does, but it's so widespread that chronic pain patients are advised to carry letters from their doctors in their wallets saying THIS PERSON IS NOT A DRUG SEEKER.

Really.

I don't want people who take Adderall to be treated like me. I just want people to realize that we're not treating patients fairly, and that the outcry over "why isn't there an exemption for ADHD" is ... it's... it's very hurtful. Because I'm right here, and I don't deserve that treatment any more than someone with ADHD does.

And of course I called them medications. No one calls my dad's anticonvulsant his "epilepsy drugs." Why do we put up with our medications being denigrated as if they are optional?

I hope that helps clarify what I meant.

[latefrequencies]

and I fully do believe enablers exist and I do believe that enabling comes in lots of different forms and it can be so subtle that only people who understand addiction extremely well can point it out, but 

literally, no one is enabling me in specific? unless I am so messed up that there is a situation where someone is in fact enabling me and doesn’t do anything about it, and I know I am making this about me but this situation could easily happen to anybody else, where they get the drugs relatively secretively with no interactions from anybody else who would be in any kind of position to do anything one way or the other?

there are, like, only three things I’ve ever experienced that I think come even the tiniest bit close to enabling, and those were

a classmate I briefly knew who took recreational benzodiazepines (which I did at the time) and to whom I actually sold benzos (I was like “hey you can have ‘em for free” but she was like “no I feel guilty” and that’s how I gave away 4 mg of klonopin and got $20 for it which was like well over the cost of the whole bottle at the time that’s still a college story I’m proud of) and a few times, we were both simultaneously high and didn’t have anyplace we needed to go to for a while so we sat on campus chilling and talking about art, trauma, bipolar disorder, movies, writing, some other shit, we did talk about drugs which you could argue was her enabling me in the form of her validating my addiction and talking about drugs in a non-negative context but arguably I was enabling her because of the times I gave her drugs (which I seriously thought about before doing it and I only did it because I knew her mental health status and I was like “shit she is legit out of seroquel well I see why she would use these as a short-term substitute for when the medical system is being fucked up and she can’t get her meds, I mean I did the same thing”. in hindsight maybe she could have been lying about being out of seroquel. I kind of don’t care bc I still understand how someone who is traumatized, bipolar, and possibly has other disorders could need benzodiazepines that aren’t theirs.)

the time I was able to get my doctor to up my dose of klonopin by saying “hey doc I think I’m getting a little bit of a tolerance to this drug [which was true] but like I still need it for my PTSD and shit [also true]” (sidenote: anytime I say I use benzos recreationally, I do use them for medical purposes too, but what I do is I hide the pills from myself and get by on solely OTCs so I miss a few days’ dosages but have enough for later when I may have to Overdo It. My relationship to klonopin is complex. It warrants its own post.) Anyway though I got her to give me 1mg pills instead of .5mgs but the new instruction was to take up to 2 1mgs a day as opposed to 3 .5mgs, so really I just got her to give me an extra half-miligram of klonopin per day and like. Yes that is a legit addictive behavior and she did allow it to happen but this was like. the only case of any of that.

I have friends, mostly online friends (which I mention solely because it must be understood that unlike some cases of addiction and enabling, nothing that could be done irl to enable someone is something my friends can do). anyway I have friends who, in many cases, are also addicts or have addictive tendencies and have similar mental health situations as mine and understand why i’m an addict and while they definitely advise harm reduction (as I do too for anyone else I know) and they recognize it’s not a GOOD thing, they’ve not ever told me You Need To Stop so if you wanna see that as enabling. idk and idc. 

but like. most enabler behaviors are just not things that anyone does for me? like I literally looked up “enabler examples” to see if any of it applied to me and none of it did. since I don’t face legal repercussions for my drug use, there’s no one who repeatedly bails me out of jail or whatever. I don’t engage in abusive behaviors that make people too scared to not provide me with drugs (I have sometimes expressed concerns that I’m abusive but that’s 1. its own subject and 2. not manifesting itself in a form that would play into addiction). no one is giving me drugs whatsoever except for my psychiatrist, and she also gives me the anti-psychotics and anti-emetics I need, so no offence but its kind of her job to give me anti-anxiety meds that I use in excess in ways that I deliberately don’t tell her the full truth about? (I recognize that that is my bad, not hers.) yeah my aunt gives me money I use to buy drugs, but I earn that money for doing jobs at her school and stuff, and I’m just as likely to spend it on notebooks or gemstones or sweaters or MLP toys* as I am Benadryl (that’s the one I actually pay for, I assert that I am addicted to it because I Cannot Function w/o it and the way I take it looks like how an addict takes something. Anyway the point is that’s what I use the money for when I’m buying drugs.) there’s nothing my friends can do because like I said they live on like the other side of the frickin country or hell even in another country entirely, and I cannot recall a SINGLE time they have advised me to take drugs (sometimes they agreed that it was a good idea if I noticed a “hey I took some Benadryl an hour ago and now I don’t care about my trauma anymore” effect but they never advised me to do it, ever). when random people walk by me at school and see me taking pills, what’s to make them think it’s not medication being taken properly or hell just OTC painkillers (as it actually very often is Because Arthritis), and even if they know it’s like Excess Drugs, literally no one I know in-person who isn’t a family member or Jared has any kind of relationship to me where it’d be Their Business to do anything about it. 

I don’t. have friends who I do drugs with because see above, no in-person friends. Except Jared. And while I am generally high while around him and I think like once I said “you can have some if you want some” kind of as a joke that he would have fully understood, we don’t Do Drugs together. That’s not why we go out into secluded wooded areas together. (we go there to look for and then joke about snails. this is a thing that happens. Jared I recognize you’re probably reading this. if so please tell me if I shouldn’t have said the thing about the snails. but I’m pretty sure you’d be cool with me publicly talking about the snails.) 

anyway point is that no one does anything for my addiction other than me, I am legit the only one doing anything that enables me, I guess you could argue that I’m my own enabler then but that’s just kinda redundant and also a bit nonsensical as a concept. literally. nobody I know does anything. that could be considered enabling my drug usage unless not immediately dragging me to rehab or w/e is considered “enabling” (and again since my drug use is relatively private irl - not online but irl - no one who is in any position to drag me to rehab is likely to drag me to rehab.) anyway that’s not how shit works and anyway not all addicts have enablers and addiction is not always a social or symbiotic experience, idk why I went on about that so much today is just Addict Rant day 

also I don’t actually expect Jared to drag me to rehab but I said that because he’s my Token Local Friend and I believe - and I am reasonably sure he believes to - that friends have certain responsibilities to each other that they wouldn’t have to strangers. but I don’t think he’s responsible for my addiction or mental health. because no this is my issue. I have utterly no expectation that anyone I know try to solve it.

.

* Yes, I buy My Little Pony toys rather frequently. I just like having them around. They’re nice.