#they love me they've told me
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Thinking about Buck after the ladder truck crushing his leg, in pain, unbalanced and depressed, but still getting Maddie to come help him cut the leg of his uniform pants so that it can fit over his cast, just so he can go to Eddie's helmet shield ceremony. Thinking about Maddie telling him he needs to rest and heal and Buck saying "this is more important". 'This' being Eddie because that's his best friend finishing his probation and he can't even imagine not being there. Thinking about him hobbling towards Eddie and enveloping him in a big warm Buckley hug because he wouldn't have missed it for the world 🥹
#buck is so love shaped#it makes me emotional#they've known each other a year and I bet not going didn't even cross his mind once#eddie probably even told him that it's okay if he doesn't show up#ans Buck's like ???#love this little buddie moments#buddie#911 abc#911 buddie#evan buckley#eddie diaz#evan buck buckley
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I've been picking mostly only the essential flirt options with lucanis in the romance so far (I've personally found the dynamic much more natural and mutual when you do that, more like forming a solid friendship slowly and inevitably becoming something else and less like you keep pushing on him and getting little back b/c he seemingly just gets overwhelmed and goes into freeze instead), and I think rye is a pretty hard person to read at the best of times even though he's been Down Real Bad from pretty early on and their chemistry as people is naturally really good. so the way the almost-kiss plays out in this playthrough feels a lot like it has the added layer of lucanis realizing that no but for sure rook is flirting and not just being kind or a good friend* it IS actually happening it's not just wishful/fearful thinking!!! and then uh. maybe going a bit too hard a bit too fast in all the excitement at that revelation haha
*in lucanis' defense he has seemingly literally never had a friend who wasn't his cousin-brother before, under those circumstances I suppose some confusion is extremely natural if not outright expected lmao
#meanwhile rook is kicking himself for being unprofessional b/c he WAS getting something important from spite there#and also lucanis had like. just woken up was that cool of me. should I have told him. should I have slowed that down???#watcher's duty crashing into watcher's longing blues ensues#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#rook x lucanis#rookanis#I think I might have done something hilarious and a little wonderful to the lucanis romance#by making a rook who's even slower to romance than he is fhskjfhsa#even here I was straight up like 'oh this is a little early for this don't you think' on rye's behalf (it's not we have to be mid-game)#imagine how he'd fare in some of the other romances you'd just bowl him over. davrin might kill him#(and also they would kill each other for unrelated reasons during it but that's another matter (affectionate I love my lads))#lucanis has been squinting at rook in stolen moments ever since the café scene like '...did I imagine that vibe. surely not right.#i'm pretty sure. but am I. I do know he likes me. but DOES he like like me or is that just what I want it to be. this is very embarrassing#for everyone involved' (it is)#davrin has had both their numbers the entire time tho. and been extremely annoyed but professional about it#he knew from the moment these two chucklefucks showed up in his recruitment mission. and has been an adult about it. mostly#even when they've made it real hard ('so I'm gonna go ahead and assume you're not letting the abomination serial killer run around#just because you're transparently excruciatingly sweet on him. right. RIGHT??')#I have accidentally given lucanis a pattern of falling for people who keep covered neck to toe at all times#but like not to be a metaphor for their emotional intimacy issues or anything haha. imagine.#I'm making my own heart so tender by imagining lucanis struggling to get rye out of his (many-layered) robes during the romance scene#and both of them laughing right from the soul in relief and delight at each other b/c like 'how could I kill a god only to be bested#by nevarran fashion. also how in the maker's name do you get dressed so quickly in the mornings this is intense'#'same way one does anything else lots of practice and a can-do attitude'/'well I'll just have to put in the practice then'#and they just hug for a while. *head in my hands* yeah okay I can be normal. I can be normal about this.
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Future Tomura visiting UA one day (he has a pass with him dw, Izuku invited him for a lesson) and just hanging out in the staff room while Izuku is getting some work together before break ends. He's sat there curled up, shoes on the chair, playing on his nintendo ds
One of the kids from Izuku's class comes in like "Hi sensei I was just wondering wha- IS THAT SHIGARAKI TOMURA, THE NUMBER ONE VILLAIN FROM 8 YEARS AGO???"
Tomura just throws up a peace sign and goes "Hey" while Izuku's like "Well, he's not a villain anymore, but yeah that's him. What were you gonna ask me?"
#the nonchalant-ness of it#they've been dealing with this ever since the final war#i love the visual of tomura all comfy (or near as damnit curled up in a chair) playing games. he's probably wearing a hoodie#and he's just like 'hey kid yeah its me im not a villain anymore not gonna kill you i can't when im under hero supervision ✌️'#izuku's like 'yeah thats him. whats up?'#fyi the other teachers in the staff room have been told about him coming and have either made their peace with it#or have edged a little closer away from where he is#just in case#aizawa is the one who has made his peace with it. izuku did his best to convince him its fine. even tho he still keeps his eye on tomura#present mic (if he's still there) is a little further away lol#bnha#bnha manga spoilers#bnha 430#shigaraki and midoriya#tomura shigaraki#mettys posts#metty posts#izuku midoriya#bnha au
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thinking about just how likely it is that Batman was the only person Harley told about having suicidal thoughts whilst in Arkham in Detective Comics #831
"I was seriously considering hanging sheets from the light in my cell and doing the maximum checkout when I heard this voice..."
Detective Comics #831
and how he knew when she strapped that bomb to herself in Batman (2016) #100 that he had to go after her because she was going let herself die in an attempt to end Joker's rampage for good but that she refused to physically do it because he didn't want to her Kill him and he told her that so she's found a middle ground
"We don't need to end it this way. He needs to be locked back up."
that she'd rather die than keep living with his presence in the world haunting her, haunting Them.
That if he did choose Joker, she wasn't going to disarm the bomb herself.
"Honey. You're talking to the wrong girl if you think he's not dangerous locked up in Arkham. It's like I said. That's not good enough for me. Not anymore."
the way he yells for her as she leaves.
"You're only going to get to one of us in time, Bats. Who's it going to be?"
"Harley!"
the way the two men stare at each other in the way they have so many times before, in those moments when Joker stayed or prioritized their fight over her. the way he knew Joker loved the thrill of it all and thought it was funny, thought there was No way Batman would leave him and that this game had to end as according to the rules. And that Batman would do so, he would follow the rules and save him. The way he immediately assumed Batman would choose him, choose his life and choose to stay and disarm the bomb.
And how Batman didn't do that. How Batman walked away from him, leaving him to die or escape or whatever, because He was choosing Harley and her safety and prioritizing her life over him.
The way he stared him in the eyes before choosing the woman Joker had always left to die over him. The way that it was always Him, it was never a question if he would choose Batman over her, but when faced with that type of scenario, Joker is the one that gets left behind to die.
The way she literally woke up in the hospital instead of them having a scene just outside after he removed it. because she didn't intend to live in one of the two options. the way the bomb probably did go off to some capacity because you don't just end up in the hospital knocked out for a week.
Him saying that he's glad she's okay, after everything they've been through, this war and Everything else. and the way he didn't brush off her concern
"I'm glad you're okay."
"Are you?"
"I had to bury my father again today. I did it with my family."
i just, i can't,,,,, i cant
#have i told yall how much i love batquinn because i really fuckin do#they make me miserable and emotional in all the best ways#we deserve more well written content with them FUCK#and like she COULD have killed that fuckin man when she shot in through the eye but she didn't because she knows how he feels about Murder#even tho j*ker had exposed his identity and was about to horrifically disfigure him in such a similar way to how he permanently changed her#and led her to believe he was going to do AGAIN#during the rebirth death in the family arc when she thought he was going to carve off her face#like she had such a solid reason to just kill him and she could have defended it to batman but she still didn't break that rule#that she knew meant so much to him because shes trying and she doesn't want to ruin the budding trust they've got#and just#i cant#i cannot do it y'all#AND SHE KNOWS HE'S BRUCE AND SHE DIDN'T MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT BECAUSE IT WASN'T SOMETHING BATMAN WANTED EXPOSED#BUT SHE KNEW SHE KNOWS#she heard J*ker say it right before she shot him#and like that just also something she knows he didn't want her or anyone (let alone fucking j*ker) knowing so her aiming for a non deathblo#just#tw abuse mention#tw clown boy#tw blood#tw suicide mention#harley quinn#harleen quinzel#batman#bruce wayne#dc comics#batquinn#♧ comic thoughts ♧#♢ meta & analysis ♢
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aye can i get a fuckin uuuhhhh
break. on my burger
#shit chat#family cw#got sicker than i have been in years my bank closed my checking account on accident work is nightmarishly busy#and my mother is sending strings of long voice memos in the family group chat again#i simply will not be listening to them. at most i'll ask my dad or brother for the sparknotes version#bc her pattern for the better part of this year has been radio silence. no attempt at communication whatsoever#and then BAM like 5-10 min worth of voice memos screaming crying sobbing shaking#I DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET MY CHILDREN TO FORGIVE ME. I'M CRAWLING ON MY KNEES ON THE DESERT FOR A HUNDRED YEARS REPENTING#WHAT THE FUCK IS FAMILY FOR YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I'M SUFFERING SO MUCH AND I'M ALONE BECAUSE#MY FAMILY ABANDONED ME. I HAVE NO ONE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID BUT I'M BEGGING. I NEED HELP I NEED MY KIDDOS AROUND ME PLEASE I'M DYING#followed by several minutes of sordid updates on her shitty miserable life#which is tbf pretty shitty & miserable. she's extremely physically disabled & mentally ill#her partner had a severe stroke a couple months ago and is still recovering. they've both been in & out of hospital#neither working. partner's adult son who lives with them is the only income in the household#partner's permanently disabled mother also lives with them. plus 2 large dogs 6 cats and 3 each of chickens & ducks#they're in court suing their landlord bc he's trying to evict them but the property is an uninhabitable shithole to begin with#but like. whenever i do make the mistake of responding to one of her groupchat tantrums#she's just like 'oh you know me im a survivor :) i just miss yous is all :) now that you're here i'm gonna bitch about my life for an hour#and ignore everything you have to say and show active disdain & boredom whenever you tell me anything about yourself or your life :)'#and if i offer help she refuses it#like it's just a bid for attention. expecting unconditional love and absolution and salvation from us bc That's What Families Do#she doesn't actually seem to give a shit about any of us as real people. just this ironclad delusion of unconditional family support#that she frankly has not earned#my brother actually did go visit her in the hospital on thanksgiving. driving 2hrs out of his way to do so#and she was a raging passive aggressive bitch to him and threw the gift he'd brought her back in his face#ma'am i know you're Going Through It but so are the rest of us & frankly you've given me zero reason to want to interact w/ ur caustic ass#plus this is petty but yet another way in which she doesn't listen to me & makes no attempt whatsoever at genuine relationship#i've told her numerous times that responding to groupchat voice memos is hard for me. that i love & miss her#and if she wants to see me or needs help or whatever to please contact me one on one either by call or text#nope. refuses to respond to/initiate individual contact. ONLY traumadumping in the fam chat. TLDR MY MOM IS A DISFUNCTIONAL TOXIC NIGHTMARE.
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That feeling of knowing that if she could replace you with a neurotypical child instead of being forced to have deal with you that she absolutely would 🫠
#i take too long#im useless#im too quiet#ill never be good enough#she's never going to be proud of me#she's never going to love me#ive accepted this#im a disappointment#she told me herself that she thinks she's failed me#so im a failure#im nothing#i wish i was normal sometimes#but i don't want to be neurotypical#they've already caused me enough pain#I'd never be neurotypical even if you paid me#fuck that shit#but yeah...#i wish I was... better...#bluey's vents#bluey's mother#abluehappyface
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They won't sleep tonight.
They couldn't even if they wanted. Not after everything, standing before nothing, their sides digged up and empty and lost and all that remains close being each other, crumbled and less than half of themselves, trying to form something less than a whole.
But Jaskier insisted, faint as it sounded, because she was stumbling on her feet and her shoulders were dragged by the earth and her eyes hadn't gone a second without flooding throughout the day. So much that he knew he had to save some of his tears to give her, in case hers ever dried up. Not letting her hurt bereft of tears, at least he could give her that.
The bed is fit for two whole people. Broken, hidden from her, a smile.
They won't sleep tonight.
They will say it's only for a few moments of rest, if rest could ever be so agonizing. They will say it's no use to roam the continent now, in the dark of the night, holding themselves from collapsing onto each other only for the sake of the names constantly hanging from their lips, now by so weak a string they almost let them drop. They will say it's only for rest.
And this is what it is.
This, and also the way he takes off his coat and his vest and suddenly his shoulders appear so shrunk under the worn-out shirt that she rests her hands on them without thinking, because they look like hurting. She caresses more than rubs them, and hopes it's enough. It's love, she won't say. It should be enough.
This, and also his hands coming up to unlace her shirt and help her peel it off her body, and then her skirt, and then, she stands still in her undergarment, and waits for him to also strip to his shirt. And then they face each other, hands on their sides, tired and empty, and they stare.
He affords a smile, faint. She smiles back. It's all they can afford.
This, as they slip under the thin blanket and they haven't done it for quite a while, but it feels so familiar now, like slipping back into their older broken molds, only they don't fit quite right anymore. This is a different kind of broken.
How gentle, then, how kind, to crumble again together.
His arms are open, forever open and waiting, and she thinks none of it as she crawls inside and wraps her body around his, clings tight and brusing. He happily welcomes the bruising. It's proof she's still here.
Her nose nuzzles into his shoulder and he buries his face in her hair, and breathes in the ashes and the exhaustion and the pain and the lilac and everything that makes her. Deep breaths, nonstopping. So that he memorizes the scent.
He only pulls back just a little, just to take a look at her eyes. Swollen and cut and bloodshot, and he suspects his are not much different as they're mirrored. But there's comfort, too. There, pooling between the crinkles along with the tears, carved between her eyebrows.
At least, at least.
He knows he's not much. At least, just enough. Enough to find the faint wave of hope between the flood of her eyes. Enough to mold a little dimple on her cheek where his thumb strokes, and make her eyes flutter close.
Less than whole. But holding her, just enough.
They will not sleep tonight.
Only, in a moment of despair, similar to so many other moments, she will kiss his lips. And he, he will kiss her too. Softly, barely there, for reassurance. He will kiss her lips, and then he will kiss the side of her neck. And then her shoulder, bare and slumped, and she will cling tighter on him because she has to cling somewhere, even just for a little bit. Just for tonight.
Only, in a moment of love, similar to so many other moments, she will bare her lungs in sighs and he will find shelter there, inside her as though to replace the lost warmth, or try to.
Alright, everything will be alright. I love you, everything will be alright.
Just for tonight, just for their lips to whisper each other's names too, the ones they so discreetly cover up in daylight. As though they could ever hide.
They will not sleep.
Not tonight, not for many other nights afterwards.
Instead, he will place one last kiss on her lips, and then rest into the crook of her neck, as she rests into his chest, and the gaping holes by their sides may prevent it from being whole, but for now, it's just enough.
It could never be more than that, anyway.
And if the lullaby he mutters and the soft vibration of his chest makes her eyes droop after a while, she will never admit it. If her lips tremble on his skin moments before her lashes do, to slowly fade his voice in a dreamless sleep, later, he will speak none of it.
Later, they will say they did not sleep that night.
It's love, they won't say. It's just enough.
#they fucked sobbing after the hug anya and joey told me themselves#anyway. they're not enough on their own without their family but they've lost the world apart from each other and they make do#just for one night before they enter chaos again#because they love each other so so so so so much and just enough do you understand do you understand#head in hands help me hELP HELP#the witcher#yennskier#yennefer of vengerberg#jaskier#chrysa writes#fic recs#s3 spoilers#no actual dialogue i had a nice flow with this but if you listen closely you can hear me screaming in the background#(if you saw me deleting this accidentally no u didn't)
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*sees episode title and loses my mind*
#seriously if you told me a decade ago ouran high school fucking host club would be referenced in a superman show i'd have called you a liar#a creative and funny one at that too#never knew i'd be the target audience of a superman show#the annoying people complaining about the anime style this series is not meant for them#my adventures with superman#maws#also someone said there're not only one but TWO kisses IS THAT WHY THEY WENT FOR IT BC IT FITS IT'S KISS KISS#(though they've already fallen in love so they gotta kiss kiss fall in something else lmao)
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me literally every time Ki Cheol and Jun Mo are less than three feet away from each other/interact in any way shape or form:
#tv: the worst of evil#the worst of evil#wi ha joon#wi ha jun#ji chang wook#kdrama#local gay watches TWOE (and ships everyone within sight).txt#local gay watches k-dramas.txt#more accurately why are you bisexual but ykw that's obvious. Ki Cheol had bi lighting in the club when he was working as a DJ#and Jun Mo looks like he is in desperate need of d*ck at any moment to calm him down. he also loves his wife but yk you can't#convince me he didn't lay eyes on Ki Cheol and go 'fml. he shouldn't be this hot fml'#even better i raise you the idea that the reason he's so pissed about Ki Cheol and Eui Jeong knowing each other is not just bc she's#his wife and she never told him but bc he wishes it was him. he is jealous af we need to lock all three of them in a room together#and not let them out until they've announced their engagement istg
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Got a new, extremely serious, life changing diagnosis yesterday and when I got home my dad was like "You know what that means? DISABILITY TAX CREDIT!" and y'know what he's right and he should say it
#they're trying their best!#my mom just asked me 'so are you just going to live with this forever?' and i didn't have the heart to say yes#so i just said 'it usually goes into remission around middle age'#my mom said she'd prefer to just research it herself. but i made sure to explain how the doctor told me it was caused by#not being accepted by my peers and having a hard time building attachments#because i know she's going to see 'caused by childhood trauma' and start asking what she did wrong#they're just people y'know?#they've made mistakes and absolutely some of those mistakes contributed to me being this way#but i don't blame them#they're just people. who feel intensely and love and want what's best for everybody. especially me#and i wouldn't change anything#sorry that got intense in the tags lmao#i got that borderline swag. i'm allowed to say that now i'm diagnosed#aaaaaaand i ain't getting treated till 2026. hell yeah psychiatric system#incoherent rambling
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It is interesting with Antoinette. I could see it being that Lestat genuinely had affection for her, even if he would certainly have killed her had Louis personally asked him to -- or it could be that she was just familiar, and he wanted the closest thing to intimacy he could get, so someone who knew him was better than someone who didn't. And the whole possibility that she reminded him of Gabrielle in some ways...
(x)
Yeah, I totally agree, anon.
I actually unfortunately suspect that Antoinette isn't a character the show will really come back to, and I think I'm one of three people that cares about that, haha, but where I tend to land on her relationship with Lestat is the fact that neither Lestat nor Louis actually have any friends.
That's not to say that I think Lestat and Antoinette were just friends, I don't, they obviously fucked a lot (which like, also comes down to the fact that Lestat doesn't know how to have friends he doesn't fuck, haha), but I do think the reality is that Lestat and Louis have very different racial and cultural contexts, hobbies and areas of interest which aren't things they can easily share with each other, especially not in early-1900s America, and I think that's a bigger factor in their relationship breakdown than either will admit to.
It's why Louis' able to reconnect with Jonah so quickly - they might be leading different lives, but they have more overlapping factors than they don't, whereas he and Lestat have less than they do - and for Lestat as a white theatre kid, he needs to be around other performers. I think with Antoinette, she's obviously a talented vocalist and an ambitious artist, and I can see that genuinely just being company that Lestat wants to be close with. They probably talk shit about crap theatre they've seen and do vocal runs together and fuck, and honestly for a part of Lestat, that would lowkey be a dream relationship, haha. Do I think they have a deep emotional connection? No, but given even Louis' willing to admit she's talented, and his own complex relationship with not succeeding as an artist, I wonder how much that factors in to his portrayal of her and his insecurities around their relationship (to say nothing of the fact that she's both white and a woman).
This feels like it's going on a hundred tangents, haha, but my point is maybe they'd step out on each other less or descend into unforessen levels of chaos and destruction if they both had a few friends they could talk about their identities and niche interests with!!
#this is not actually related to your ask but i've been thinking a bit about different family make ups lately#and while i was hungover this morning after yoga and getting breakfast with my mum#i told her about how one of our production coordinators at work - let's call her A - had a baby last year with her wife#and they had a very good friend who's gay who became their sperm donor#and he's like#LOVING being fun uncle and A and i were talking about it the other day at work because she was genuinely shocked because he's#been very open about how much he does not want kids of his own and it caused a lot of hesitancy with her and her wife taking him up on offe#but how much he's stepped up#she said he's been amazing#and he's been so helpful and supportive and done so much running around for them when they've been knocked sideways with having a newborn#and he loves being with his little niece who's actually his biological daughter and getting to give her back#and A was like we were close before but now he's my daughter's uncle and now he truly feels like my brother#and A and her partner and him are already talking about having another baby in the next year or so#idk why your ask made me remember this#maybe i was just thinking about it still after talking to mum about it over breakfast#but idk maybe it comes back to this whole idea that queer family units are inherently unconventional in our current structure#and applying conventional tropes to them doesn't work#which again has nothing to do with your ask haha just something i'm thinking about#lestat asks#iwtv asks
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absolutely hilarious thing when i was looking at my tags for all the cr campaigns
#i only use the main tag for things that overlap multiple campaigns so that makes sense#but goddamn that bells hells tag........#it's literally been three years#i'm still watching it every week!!! it's not that i just stopped watching cr#it's just that bh is not..........very.............compelling character wise#i like the campaign just fine! it's fine!#but before fcg told ash ''i wish you cared about something. i wish you cared about me'' the last real character thing was the three deaths#and that's just.........too long. i'm watching a bunch of actors play a game to watch them fight and cry and fall in love#we have that with imogen/laudna and they've barely talked for ages#also i didn't unfollow any cr blogs but they're all sort of......absent#they've all fucked off#just. woof.
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home is wherever i'm with you
Oh, it's a day that ends in 'Y' so that must be Ada is cross posting yet another story from ao3. Anyways, if you stop to read this, I hope you enjoy <3
There’s one place that I call home and that’s because you’re there.
- The Birdcage (1996) dir. Mike Nichols
May 2021
Carlos says, “I love you” in so many different ways, and TK loves each and every one of them.
There’s the standard, “I love you,”; that’s the one that fills TK with so much warmth; it could help him survive a cold winter's night.
He’s particularly fond of “I made your favorite for dinner,”; that’s one that TK could hear Carlos say every single night, and he would never get sick of it.
He’s even more fond of, “This song made me think of you,”; that’s the one that makes TK realize just how lucky he is. Carlos hears a story of love and finds a way to find TK in it.
Then, there’s his favorite,“Call me when you get home.” Maybe it’s a cop-out; seeing as it might be the one TK hears him say the most.
He first heard Carlos say it the first night they met. At first, TK found it a little strange. He thought it was overkill, in a way; the night had meant nothing. They had meant nothing; nothing more than a good time and a distraction.
Regardless, TK called Carlos and told him he made it home. TK could hear the smile in Carlos’ voice when he said, “Good, I just wanted to make sure you got home safe.”
And TK, well TK didn’t really know how to respond to that. All his life, he felt like he was the one who was meant to take care of other people. Take care of them, watch over them, make sure they were, well, safe. Even if they never felt that way about him.
Having someone feel that same way about him was foreign. TK hated it, he loved it, and he hated that he loved it.
He tried to suppress that part of him that didn’t want to fall prey to this same old story, time and time again. He tried to fight it.
Eventually, he lost that fight; and every time Carlos told him to call him when he got home, he’s so glad that did.
Even after they made it official, walk hand and hand and throw around the term boyfriend like a weightless force; Carlos never stops saying it.
When he leaves, and heads back to a bed that doesn’t seem nearly as warm, Carlos will kiss him goodnight and say, “I love you, call me when you get home.”
TK feels like he was being loved twice as much.
December 2021
Carlos stares at the dinner table; set for just one. He tries not to think too much about the break-up; but he’s found that he’s made TK’s favorite for dinner once again. He looks at his front door, like he’s waiting for TK to walk through it.
He lies in bed that night; just wanting to know if TK’s safe, if he made it home. Even if that home isn’t with him.
January 2022
Carlos is convinced his heartbeat has started to fall in sync to beeping sound of TK’s heart monitor. He’s exhausted, fatigued, irritable and he knows that he’s not going anywhere. Not until he’s sure TK is safe.
—
When TK wakes up, Carlos is the first person he sees and he thinks he might be dreaming. When Carlos places a hand on his cheek, TK can’t help himself. He pulls Carlos in closer, grasping onto his shirt; a way to ensure that Carlos is there. He’s still there.
In Carlos’ arms, TK feels safe. He feels like he’s home.
February 2022
Carlos is getting ready for bed, he’s in the bathroom brushing his teeth and thinking about the fact it’s no longer his home; but their home. He still has yet to exhale at the thought of it; as if waiting for the other shoe to drop.
He hears the front door open, and waits for TK to greet him with his usual, “Hi babe.” Instead, there’s a beat of silence followed by his phone ringing. It’s TK’s favorite song.
He walks out to the bedroom and grabs his phone off the night stand. He picks it up, the caller ID reading TK Strand with a bright red heart next to it. “Babe?” He questions, knowing TK’s already in the apartment.
“Hey babe,” TK peeks his head in the bedroom doorway, the phone still next to his ear. “I made it home.”
#haven't revisited so many of these since they've been published and by this point i'm scared#literally who was i before they told me who to be or whatever bukowski (😒) said#my writing#series: all things end but we begin again#series: this is what falling in love feels like#carlos reyes#tk strand#911 ls#tarlos#tarlos fic
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#there's no way i could ever have another pet bc this has destroyed me in unimaginable ways#despite him being old and his health declining the past three or so years#we did everything we could to keep him around and healthy but his little body just couldn't do it anymore#i love him so much i hope he wasn't in pain#i regret not saying goodbye when my mom told me to before he went to the hospital friday but i was in denial#we held out all weekend to see if the treatment would work but he was just so weak my dad gave them the go-ahead to stop it today#idk if they've put him to sleep yet but we're assuming so since my dad is gonna go pick up his collar tomorrow#i cried so much last night because i just had a feeling today would be it#and then i woke up this morning and already had tears in my eyes#this is gonna be. another long grieving process and i'm already so tired from losing my sister last year#when does it fucking end lol like when do i get to the other side#i'm just exhausted. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted#he's such a big extension of me like who tf am i without my dog i'm nothing he's all i had
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oh they didn't even BOTHER inviting me to aunty Net's funeral. I really am estranged.
#gran's probably still pissed at me for missing grandma's funeral#even though it was literally my dad's fault for not telling me when it was on until late the night before#but now they don't even invite me. i just get told that a loved one has passed and don't even get to know the date of their burial#and idk. i wouldn't have gone anyway. I'm not breaking my no contact for this.#but the fact that they didn't even make a pretence at inviting me says a LOT about just how much they've written me off#hmm much to think about#the system speaks
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Sooooo one of my mutuls reminded me that I love The Talented Mr. Ripley so much and I am 100% not normal about it and I just to say that the last time I rewatched it (a few months ago) I hadn't watched that movie for a long time and my only thought was "they want you to think Tom Ripley is the dangerous character but it's actually Dickie Greenleaf. Nothing can destroy your life like the nonchalance a charming person picks you up and puts you down with". And I was 100% sure of that. And then I rewatched the movie and I was like "Okay maybe Tom Ripley was the problem" but you need to understand that everytime I watch that movie it fucks with my brain and my past friendships so hard after a while I always find myself thinking "if Dickie just knew how to love Tom in the right way, none of this would have happened. It's Dickie's fault." And it's not! Tom is deeply fucked up for several reasons! But this movie fucks so hard with me pegs my brain gaslights me like an abusive boyfriend that I always end up thinking "Tom did nothing wrong. Tom did nothing wrong, if Dickie just loved him the right way. It's Dickie's fault."
I just think that people like Dickie Greenleaf can make anyone insane. I think I'd rather never knew the joy of bashing in Dickie's attention that living through the desperation of being derived of it.
#being told I was unable to love right sure adds some layers to this conversation#this movie FUCKS#anthony minghella I'm in your walls#the talented mr ripley#jude law#matt damon#I've been a Tom all my life but sometimes I suspect I have been Dickie to some people#and the power that I might have held over them makes me sick#I associate Dickie Greenleaf with the children judges of Munster in Q by Luther Blisset#which is NOT a good thing#or to Jan of Leida's wife. which is also not good.#something about innocence in cruelty. being unable to perceive the evil one's causing.#but it's not your fault nor anybody's fault if that's your natural attitude. Hurting others without even noticing.#if you use your love like an ancient God would. Give and take back at your pleasure.#au plaisir de Dieu but you are the God#and what people want from you? You're just one. You can't be there for everybody all the time.#that's the job of a supreme entity but that's how people see you. Brighter than the sun. It's not your fault. It's not their fault.#you have a right to your love and your attention but they have a right to that as well because once they've tried it they can't go back#it's intoxicating being loved by someone like Diclie Greenleaf. Any man who has tried that would rather kill themed rather than go back#being ignored after that#it's Dickie who leaves death and desperation behind him#*conveniently ignores Tom Ripley's a psychopath* Ooooh I forgot about that part#anyway yeah movies I am sooooo normal about
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