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sirowsky · 3 years ago

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Driving Mr. Tovar

Chapter 39 - Future

Description: Life finally begins to come back to your new normal, but as with everything about The Rose Estate, there are surprises in store from multiple directions.

Rating: Mature 18+ONLY Warnings: Pero x female reader, cursing, allusions to past domestic violence, some angst related to grief and guilt, smut and fluff. Word count: 11,393 (2333 words added) Masterlist (this story) Author’s Masterlist

The guilt stayed close to the surface for a while, meaning it didn’t take much for you to suddenly and randomly feel like you didn’t deserve to be loved or to have fun. But Pero’s words stayed in your mind as well, and on your better days you could remind yourself that you really hadn’t asked for nature to choose you to fix whatever it was that you’d hopefully fixed, back there.

The magic really did seem to be gone, and you were tremendously grateful for that, because it meant that you could sleep fairly well, not having the fear of accidentally dragging your husband to death’s door hanging over you. It wasn’t enough to keep the nightmares away, though. But that was different, because those dreams came from the guilt.

The nights that you woke up drenched in sweat and with a pulse well over your usual limit, wasn’t when you’d dreamt about aliens, but when your mind had conjured images of your family being torn to pieces, suffering agonizing pain and reaching for you to save them. When in reality, you knew that they’d died almost instantly, and without much pain, just because of how quick it had been over.

Your own pain had been excruciating only because you’d actually survived, despite your soul being damaged. And it caused you no small amount of distress whenever you considered how much Sam must’ve suffered, having been in an almost identical position, but awake. His soul might not have been torn apart in the same way that yours had been, but he had definitely felt the agony of not having all parts of his being intact.

You and Pero had had a great many conversations about everything that had happened in those first five or six weeks that you’d been sleeping, but you hadn’t told him about your side of it yet. He assumed that you’d just been lost somewhere, consciously unaware of anything that had happened to you, and you hadn’t figured out how to tell him what you’d actually gone through in those weeks.

Souls were fragile when they were separated from the body like that, and you shouldn’t have survived the Queens bite at all. But the other Spaniard seemed to have given you more than just a momentary burst of energy. It was almost as though he’d given you half his soul in that moment, specifically to make sure that you’d survive.

How he’d known how to do that, was a complete mystery, but the things you’d felt from him had been staggeringly powerful, so perhaps he too had a stronger connection to nature than normal people. Perhaps, even across space and time, he’d somehow known that there was a version of him who belonged to you.

You found yourself hoping that he’d had a good life. That his sacrifice to you, if that was even the right word for it, hadn’t left him incomplete in any way. You knew nothing about him, except that he shared some personality traits with his other self in this time, but you wished that he’d at least been happy.

“Belleza, are you okay?” Pero asked, bringing you back to the room and the task at hand, which you’d forgotten all about as your mind had drifted.

“Hm? Oh, yeah, sorry… Lost in thought,” you answered, before realizing that he’d paused from fitting the drywall because you’d neglected to notice that he was asking you to hand him the spirit level.

“About what?” he inquired, trying to sound casual, while he resumed working after you’d handed him the tool.

“You. Kind of,” you admitted, and he immediately took your meaning.

“Ah. The other me,” he said with a smile, to let you know that he didn’t find it odd for you to be thinking about that.

You were working on putting up an extra wall inside the third bedroom, the one that had been yours at one point, so that Emma and Johnny would have their own rooms, now that Johnny was sleeping better. He still came over to your bed some nights when the dreams came back and scared him, but for the most part, he did okay on his own.

All the children knew that they were welcome to come to both of you if they felt unsafe or worried for any reason, and Emma had come over a few times too, but only when she’d been really upset about something. Amazingly, though, all three of them seemed to be doing really well, and you had to credit Pero for that.

The shock of finding out their parents were dead, the upheaval of being brought to live on the other side of the city, changing schools and losing friends, would’ve made anyone feel angry and justified in lashing out or getting depressed and locking themselves in emotionally. But the way that Pero had dealt with it, taking them in as naturally as if they’d always been there, despite his total inexperience along with his own fears and pain and stress at the time, was truly remarkable.

He’d somehow made them feel safe and wanted and welcome, turning this house into their home too in no time at all. He’d found the strength to always be there for them, no matter how much else was going on. Always ready to hold them when they cried, to talk to them about their parents, and nurture their grief so that they wouldn’t try and hide it away.

Alice had told you so many stories about how he’d cared for them in the beginning, and how quickly he’d made them feel like they could trust and rely on him, and it never failed to make you smile. It was no small feat, the journey that your husband had made. He was a far cry from the brute that had met you in this house on your first day, nearly a year ago now.

“We never did talk about that,” you offered, because even though he hadn’t asked, you knew that he wondered about the whole doppelganger conundrum.

“We’ve been quite busy. But I am curious… Do you think that the reason he could see you is because of what you and I have? Do you think that he and I… are somehow the same person?” he pondered, and this was something that you’d actually thought about at length.

You’d had several different theories along the way, but there was one that made a bit more sense to you than the others.

“Remember how the three weapons together somehow amplified everything around them?” you recalled, and he nodded.

“How could I forget?”

“Together, they formed a triangle. And you, me and the other Tovar, that’s a triangle too. So, what if we’re connected through time in the same way that the weapons are?” you suggested, still feeling like you only had a minimal grasp of all this stuff.

“It is extremely strange to try and understand that there was another version of me living a thousand years ago. How does that even happen? Because he was much too similar to me not to also be me, somehow… Ay, this makes my head spin.”

“No, you’re right, he was you,” you agreed. “I could feel his soul each time he touched me, and it felt exactly like yours. Just like the modern-day William felt exactly like the medieval one.”

“Do you think everyone has a previous version of themselves?”

“Maybe. But I don’t think it’s common for more than one doppelganger from a specific timeline to meet another.”

“How do you mean?” he questioned, pausing again to focus entirely on you, since this topic puzzled him as much as it did you, and he really wanted to understand it better.

“I think that some part of all this had to do with the fact that both Tovar and William have versions of themselves in this specific timeline. Our time. I have no idea why the weapons need to be with their respective owners, but I think that it all has to do with time. I just wish I knew how it all connects over an entire millennium,” you said with an exasperated shrug.

“What about the Queen?” he continued. “Before, you thought that perhaps her sensitivity to energies had something to do with the imbalance.”

“Oh, she was definitely the reason for it. Like you said, not even nature managed to control that bitch. But I think that nature chose me to connect to, only because of my closeness to you. I think that you actually have a stronger connection to that particular part of history, because of your double in that time, just like William. I always felt like I was just a conduit for something else, and that’s what makes me wonder if all this is really over,” you surmised, which made Pero nervous enough to nearly drop the power drill.

“Wait, what?! You think we are still in danger?” he almost hissed with the sudden tension in his frame, so you grabbed his shoulder and rubbed soothing circles into it.

“No, I don’t think we’re in danger. I just feel like something’s… missing… or incomplete. It’s not enough to influence my dreams or make me feel like I still have magic. I don’t, thank goodness. But just enough to give me a sense that something’s still just a little off.”

He slowly softened under your hand and went back to securing the drywall. But he wasn’t at ease yet. There was something else on his mind, also making him nervous.

“Your dreams are still bad,” he said in a low voice before glancing at you, probably to gauge your reaction and determine if now was the right time to talk about this.

You were sure that the memories of your reactions to finding out everything that had happened while you’d been sleeping, were still very fresh in his mind, and that he was probably unsure of how much you were okay with talking about. For the most part, he would stay away from those topics himself, instead letting you instigate anything you felt the need to talk about. And you rarely brought anything up.

“You never speak in your sleep, but sometimes you open your eyes. You can’t see me, or anything around you, because you are still asleep, but on those occasions… there is only pain in your eyes,” he carefully continued, while you sat as a statue beside him.

You knew exactly which dreams he was referring to. Your very worst ones. And you could tell from the way he was trying not to look at you, not to let you see how scared he was, just how much those nights tortured him. Taking a deep breath, you decided that it was time to tell him, and stood to go and sit down on Emma’s bed, patting the space beside you to beckon him to join you.

He hesitated before he followed, superfluously rearranging the tools and picking up a few stray screws. You didn’t try and rush him, though. He knew that whatever this was, it wasn’t gonna be fun, and he needed to prepare. After a couple of minutes, he got up and then came to sit down next to you, too nervous to do more than take your hand and wait.

“I wasn’t asleep,” you started once he’d gotten settled.

You kept your eyes on your joined hands on your lap, looking for a solid point to hold on to, both physically and mentally.

“I wasn’t consciously aware of anything that happened around me, but I wasn’t in a coma either. It was more like… my soul wasn’t fully back, and a part of me was still journeying. Still in between this place and the past. And to be honest, I’m not sure that I’m all here yet. But souls aren’t meant to be torn like this, and it’s taken me a while to figure out why I didn’t just merge back together, since that would’ve been the natural solution.”

It was your turn to hesitate now, because this next part might hurt his feelings in a more unexpected way.

“I think that it was because it was him… the other you. He gave me a part of himself to help me go, and I think that I held on to that part of him so tightly that I ended up stranding myself in between somehow. A part of me… just didn’t wanna leave him there,” you admitted, but you felt guilty saying it.

They were somehow the same person, but it was still only this Pero that was your husband. He should be the only one that you’d be that concerned for. Unexpectedly though, he didn’t seem bothered by your care for his double at all, only for your health and wellbeing.

“Was it painful, being in between? Being torn like this… could you feel it?”

Damned it. Of course, he’d ask that. And you just couldn’t lie to him, that would be such a terrible way to respond to all that he’d suffered while you’d been lost.

“Yes. That’s how I know that I wasn’t sleeping, or in a coma. Because I could feel my soul struggle to hold itself together over a span of a thousand years, and it hurt like nothing I could possibly describe. When you told me that it had been six weeks, I wasn’t crying because of the time I’d lost here. That came later. At the time, I cried with relief, because to me… it felt like years had passed. Decades. And then I felt guilty about feeling relieved, when you’d been made to suffer so badly. I still feel guilty about that most days,” you confessed, fully expecting him to disagree.

You yelped a little with surprise when he suddenly threw his arms around you and flipped you over onto his lap so that you were straddling him on the bed. His hold on you was tight and firm as he put his forehead against your chest and just breathed deeply, trying to keep his emotions under control, while you let your hands gently roam the planes of his back, before going up his neck and tangling in his unruly curls.

You knew where his emotions were coming from. That he wanted to tell you that his own pain didn’t matter compared to yours. You knew that, because it was how you felt as well, which was why neither of you said anything. There was no reason to, because you both knew it. Instead, you pulled his head back and kissed him thoroughly.

It was over. You’d survived, and you were rebuilding your lives, one day at a time. And as much as you needed to acknowledge everything that had happened, as well as talk about it to make sure that it couldn’t hurt you down the line, you also needed to allow yourselves to move on. After all, the best cure for all forms of heartache, is laughter.

But his response to your really very innocent kiss, turned out to be much stronger than you’d anticipated, and he soon had you panting on his lap, letting his hands slide down to your rear to push you into his hardening groin, clearly not having anything innocent in mind.

“Honey…” you warned, and he knew exactly what that tone meant, since you’d both started using it as a reminder to each other ever since the kids had ambushed you about sex that morning a while back.

It usually worked really well on both of you, but for whatever reason, he seemed immune to it this time. Instead of pulling back, he fastened his lips to yours to try and keep you from shutting him down, but you still managed to pull free after a few seconds.

“Not on Emma’s bed,” you scolded, even trying to wiggle out of his grip, but he wasn’t having that.

“They are in school for at least another three hours…” he mumbled against your neck, while his arms snared you even tighter against him.

“I don’t care, we’re not having sex on one of our kid’s beds. And we have a lot of work to do anyway. We promised to finish this today,” you lectured, but to no avail.

His mouth made you quiver with pleasure when he pushed your t-shirt up to let his lips and tongue play with your breasts, exactly the way he knew you liked it. Softly but hungrily. It made you involuntarily push your hips forwards, looking for stimulation, and of course, he felt that and set about giving it to you. He let his fingers toy with you through the worn fabric of your old sweats, driving your heated core into such a craving that you didn’t even know where you were anymore.

The pants were so worn that the elastic of the waistband no longer held together the way it once had, making it possible for him to tug them down to your thighs, even with your legs splayed over his lap. Giving him just enough room to pull your panties to the side, and guide himself to your wetness, pulling you down onto him with one firm push on your hips.

He felt so good inside you after you’d been clenching around nothing with such ferocity, that you damn near came just from feeling him slide into you. The heat in your body was extreme, and ordinarily that would make the act frenzied and rushed. But with everything you’d been through lately, you loved the feeling, and wanted it to last, rather than simply chase the peak.

So, you moved slowly, only rising a few inches before letting yourself take him in again. You let your hands take their time too, exploring his chest through the thin cotton of his t-shirt, tracing his collarbones and then up to his cheeks. And all the while, your eyes never left his. His hands stayed on your hips, steadying you as you moved, because he knew that you sometimes lost strength when you exerted yourself too much.

He followed your rhythm, pushing his hips forwards slightly every time you settled back down, to give you that lovely little tingle in the sensitive muscle around your opening. Also, that little push from him created a tiny shift in the angle between you, which brought him to that sweet spot inside of you that made you tremble. But soon enough, you needed more, and he could tell exactly when that moment arrived.

And as though he’d just been waiting for it, he suddenly flipped you both, laying you down on the bed and settling in on top of you, taking over the greater part of the work so that you wouldn’t overexert yourself. But he was still calm, driving into your core with power but without snapping his hips. He knew that you were savoring this, and he wanted you to have as much pleasure as your bodies could provide.

The build-up was so perfectly measured, that when the crescendo finally hit, it was with the most intense yet deliciously slow waves. They rolled through you in ever stronger bursts until you peaked, and then equally slowly came back down, still riding those waves all the way back down to the bottom. Your core had been so overwhelmingly oversensitive during that climax, that you wouldn’t have been able to feel if Pero got there with you, even if you’d been aware enough to try.

But as soon as your brain started working again, you could feel his slumped frame on top of you, boneless in that unique post-climax way, and the pounding of his heart behind his chest that was so powerful that it rocked your torso with every single beat. Neither of you had any words for a good long while after that, but when Pero started trying to make his arms work enough to lift himself up, you suddenly remembered where you were.

“Fuck. Pero, I told you – not here!” you griped, throwing your arms down on the mattress on either side, to keep yourself from slapping his ass.

But he merely chuckled heartily, and even though you were mildly annoyed, you loved hearing that sound so much.

“You did not even try to persuade me to stop, Belleza,” he smirked, placing a sloppy kiss on the base of your neck. “We will put clean sheets in the bed if it makes you feel better.”

“God, you’re like a horny teenager.”

“Don’t even try to tell me that you didn’t love that,” he said with a giggle.

Then he kissed you again, and rocked his hips into you, just once, which made his now soft cock twitch inside you, sending a flurry of responses from your core through your body, resulting in a minor jolt.

“Okay, okay, I’ll admit I love it when you take me by surprise, but Pero…” you started, intending to let him know that if he was thinking of going again, he could forget it.

“I’m only teasing, mi amor. I am spent, for now, and we should have lunch anyway.”

He’d recovered by then, so he pulled out and got up, and then helped you to your feet where he had to hold onto you for a few seconds because your legs were a bit unsteady.

“Are you alright?” he asked, unwilling to let you go until he knew that you weren’t gonna collapse.

“Yeah. That was just… intense,” you answered, testing your own steadiness by shifting your weight from one foot to the other a couple of times.

“It was not just my imagination, that was different than usual, yes?” he mused, still keeping a solid hold on you.

“Very different.”

“But you do feel okay?”

“I’m fine, love. Just not quite back to my usual strength yet,” you reassured him, and then let him keep his arm around your waist while you made your way to your room to freshen up. “It is strange, though. It’s been over three months since I woke up, I should be fully recovered by now. Unless something’s been permanently damaged.”

“I do not like the sound of this, Angel,” he replied, while his grip around you reflexively tightened further.

“I know, and I don’t mean to scare you. I’m mostly fine, but it’s like something’s just not quite right, and I can’t tell what it is. It could be that my soul never fully healed, or that my nerves are actually fried, or maybe it’s psychological scars. I just don’t know,” you pondered, and while he didn’t seem to have any response to that, you caught him working his jaws a few times.

Still, by the time you’d changed clothes and cleaned up from both the construction work and the lovemaking, your strength had returned, and you felt mostly normal.

It was spring again, and even though this winter had been snowier than usual, it was all gone now. The snowmen you’d built with the kids outside the house, and down in the horse’s enclosure, which had made them snort and kick the white creations until they were just piles of snow again, had all melted and disappeared.

The air was mild once more, bringing the promise of summer back with the heat of the sun when it touched your neck on your way up to the main house. Everyone was already seated when you got there, and Doris was just about to tell them to dig into her fabulous tomato soup, when she spotted the two of you, and a familiar wrinkle in her forehead appeared.

“Well, how gracious of the Tovar’s to join us today, of all days. I suppose there’s still no point in me asking?” she griped, eyeing Pero specifically, and you knew what she was referring to, which made you smile a little.

You remembered the joy in Shaggy’s voice when he’d described the whole tomato-soup running quarrel to you, but then a pang of guilt sliced through you, distorting your smile into a slight grimace instead, so you quickly sat down and just stared at your plate. You’d visited the graves just yesterday, but no amount of atonement ever made you feel any less responsible for their deaths.

Poppy was always present for meals these days, probably because she was trying to be supportive of Hero, and she seemed to be getting pretty comfortable with the family as a whole. What was left of it, anyway. It was only you and Pero that lapsed in appearances up at the main house during the days.

When the kids were home, you always went with them to every meal, but when they weren’t, you sometimes found excuses to duck out. That was all because of the guilt, and Pero did his best to try and coax you into not letting it control you, but sometimes it just got to be too much. Especially in the dining room, because that was where you’d been introduced to them all and had created so many fond memories of them.

Doris seemed to notice that you were uncomfortable, so she let Pero off the hook this time and just told everyone to dig in. The others chatted while they ate, but you kept your head down and just focused on the soup, until the worst of the guilt had eased down. And then when there was a pause in the conversations around the table, you took the opportunity to speak to Poppy.

“The tulips are beautiful. I was down there yesterday, and the colors just make such a difference. Thank you.”

“Of course. I’m always happy to sprinkle a little color into the world,” she brightly replied, and then grew more somber. “Besides… they were all good people. They deserve to have their resting-place well cared for.”

“Yes, they do. You’re a very good person too, Poppy,” you complimented, and she smiled widely at you before the blush that spread across her face made her duck her head down to hide behind her hair, which was flowing freely over her shoulders today.

But apparently, your willingness to speak again made Doris decide that you could handle a little discourse, which meant that Pero was no longer off the hook. She fixed him with a steely glare, no doubt trying to mimic his scowl, but just not having the face for it, which just made her look comical.

“Just tell me, for goodness’ sake! I can’t even make the damned soup anymore without thinking about it, wondering what I’m doing wrong!” she pleaded, expecting him to laugh at her and trying to stay stoic against him.

But for once, Pero didn’t smirk at her, which unsettled her since she was so used to that response. So, rather than stoic, she suddenly looked terribly uncertain, probably expecting him to be rude or make fun of her. She couldn’t have been more wrong, though. Because his expression softened, and a hint of melancholy found its way into his features.

“The best tomato soup I can remember having tasted, was my mother’s,” he said, and there was a deep warmth to his voice that even you had only heard him use a handful of times. “But there was no spice or other ingredient which made it superior to yours. It was just her love.”

For the first time since meeting the cook, you saw her give Pero a genuinely affectionate smile, and a slight shine appeared in her eyes.

“Of course, I should’ve known. No better spice in the world. Thank you.”

“You are welcome, Do,” he answered, using Sam’s favorite nickname for her. “And thank you for another perfect meal. You are the best cook I have ever met.”

That made the smile on her face vanish and be replaced by shock, disbelief and awkwardness, which had her on her feet and clearing the table in no time, so that she could hurry away into the kitchen. No one else commented on the unusually warm-hearted exchange between them, and once she was gone, Pero turned to you.

“We should get back to the bedroom,” he said, as casually as ever, and your gaze unbiddenly went around the table, looking at the family as they absorbed that sentence.

You then rolled your eyes in annoyance at your husband, who had just gotten up and was innocently holding a hand out to help you up if you needed it, seemingly oblivious.

“You just had to phrase it like that, didn’t you?” you huffed, earning you a pair of raised eyebrows.

“What?” he asked, and he seemed genuinely confused.

That is, until he too looked around at the others, saw their smiling faces and realized what it had sounded like he’d said. And that smug smirk appeared on his face so fast.

“I was referring to the construction, but I am happy to explore other uses of our time, if you prefer, mi amor.”

You got up without taking his hand, and then scoffed.

“I thought you said you were spent…” you mocked him in a low voice just after you’d passed him, and something almost dangerously hungry came over him.

He tried to snag your hand, undoubtedly to try and do something more or less inappropriate to you in front of the others, but you managed to dodge out of his reach. However, that only seemed to ignite something even more predatory in him, and he all but launched at you, making you squeal and jump into a sprint out of the room. You darted through the ballroom with him right on your heels, but he caught up to you by the time you got to the front hall.

You were still squealing as he grabbed your waist, forcing you to stop before he almost hurled your back towards the wall, but also caught you before you actually hit it. Using his body to pin you to it, he then started peppering your neck with kisses while his hands effortlessly located all the little tickly spots along your sides, and within moments he had you gasping with laughter.

“AH! Stop it, Pero!” you wailed in between breaths, uselessly trying to pry his hands away.

“Too much for you, hm?” he hummed in return, and you tried to squirm out of his hold, but he was just too damned broad, he effectively had you in a cage. “Yield, esposa.”

“Never!” you giggled, and he suddenly stopped and pulled back, but only enough to look into your eyes.

The smugness was all gone from his face and instead, he looked happy. Bright in a way he hadn’t since you’d woken up. He’d always loved the fighter in you. The stubbornness and the inability to ever give up when it mattered, and while winning this little mock fight didn’t strictly speaking matter, it was still a sign of your continued improvement.

Because you hadn’t made an effort to stand up for yourself at all in a long time now. He was understandably overjoyed to see that part of you returned, even if it was just to try and get away from being tickled, simply for the hope that it gave him for your recovery and your future. His hands stilled on your sides, and then came up to cradle your face.

“There you are, Belleza. I have missed you.”

-=¤=-

Two weeks later, it was your anniversary. You’d met and began to know Pero Tovar exactly one chaotic year ago.

For once, you’d actually made some plans together, and since you wanted your family to be a part of the celebration, those plans consisted of a fancy dinner up at the house, complete with a cake. Followed by some games with the kids, who would then stay up at the house while you and Pero went for a ride with the boys and then had your house to yourselves for the night.

That morning, you woke up rested and energetic, and decided to do some morning yoga. It had been ages since the last time you’d done any of the exercises, and your body protested the movements profusely. But it still felt good. You felt stronger than you had ever since waking up, even strong enough that you decided to try going for a run.

Pero was still asleep, having been up for parts of the night with Johnny. He still had the odd bad night, and whenever he did, it was your husband he turned to. Last night had been a bit tougher than usual, so your partner had eventually carried him over to your bed and set him down in between you, to help him feel safer, and he was now sleeping soundly, cradled into Pero’s chest.

You snuck out of the house, having left a note on the bedside table and brought your phone, to prevent a repeat of that other time you’d disappeared in the early morning without waking him. As you headed up to the gates you found Coulson outside the garage, as always starting his day by tending to the fleet of vehicles.

“Good morning, Mrs. Tovar,” he greeted with a polite nod, and it still made you smile whenever someone called you that.

“Good morning, Coulson,” you chirped.

“Been a good long while since I saw you out and about at this hour. Anniversary-jitters?” he prodded, but you enthusiastically shook your head.

“Nope, just feeling strong today.”

“Even better,” he smiled, and he kept smiling as he delivered the following information as well, even though he knew that you wouldn’t approve. “I shall keep an eye out for your return, and fair warning: if you’re not back within thirty minutes, I’m coming to get you.”

“Oh, come on… Thirty minutes? That’s barely enough time to get my heart going,” you grumbled, raising your arms out to the sides in a questioning gesture.

“Mr. Tovar’s orders, I’m afraid,” was all he offered as an explanation, so you made a mental note to have a talk with your husband later. “Clock’s ticking, so hop to it.”

“Hmpf. You hop to it…” you mumbled while shooting him an annoyed glare, although it was also full of affection.

He just grinned at that while you approached the gates and waited for them to swing open. Once out on the road, you quickly found your rhythm, keeping a slow and steady pace, careful not to get carried away just because it felt good. But it really did. Your muscles felt alive and powerful, responding so readily that it was quickly becoming impossible not to pick up speed.

Within fifteen minutes your chest was burning with the effort, since your lungs weren’t used to this kind of activity right now, but that was kind of good, because it forced you to slow down. Then you remembered the time-limit, and begrudgingly turned back. But you understood Pero’s concerns, and even if you had preferred to keep going that morning, he was well within reason to want a watchful eye kept on you.

He wasn’t overly fond of his new responsibility as the head of the estate, and everyone’s boss, and he had thus far tried to stay as far away from all that as he could. Becoming a father and caring for you had more than filled his plate. But he was certainly smart enough to use the resources at hand to help him keep you from making his life any harder, and if it helped him to sleep soundly, you could accept a little inconvenience. It was probably for the best that your first run in months wasn’t too long, anyway.

When you walked back through the gates, Coulson was still there, nodding approvingly at you after checking his watch, and you couldn’t help feeling like a child being given a pat on the head, so you childishly stuck your tongue out at him. That made him chuckle and shake his head, before returning to his work. But then a ping in your phone with a tone you didn’t recognize made you stop and dig it out of your pocket, and when you unlocked the screen, a message was displayed.

--ADMINISTRATOR REQUIRED AT THE HUB--

“What the…? Coulson, what’s the hub?” you asked, stopping to turn back so that he’d hear you, and he answered without even taking his eyes off the car that he was polishing.

“The main computer.”

“You mean the one in the fireplace?”

“That’s the one,” he confirmed, still without pausing his work.

“Can you show me how to… reveal it? Get to it?” you inquired, but he just kept massaging the vehicle with the specialized cloth.

“No need. The system will recognize you as you approach,” he gently reminded you, making you feel a bit thick, because obviously it would.

Everything electronic on the estate did.

“Right. Of course,” you mentally kicked yourself, while Coulson just hummed a quiet good day, ma’am as you walked away.

You weren’t in the mood for computers that day, and especially not ones that could think for themselves, but you went there anyway.

The fireplace had been carved out of one giant, solid block of dark stone that reached from the floor to the twelve-foot-high ceiling, and around the large opening was a beautifully carved, thick and broad wooden frame that was just polished and lacquered, not painted. The frame was purely ornamental. It didn’t have a ledge or shelf where you could put pictures or matches, it was just there to add even more beauty and uniqueness to the room.

You felt like a complete idiot while you walked up to it, unable to imagine how something that looked so solid could in any way open for you. But as you approached, a loud thud, followed by the same kind of mechanical sounds you’d heard when on the phone with Coulson as he’d opened it, sounded through the room, before the giant stone did indeed start to move.

It rose from the floor, straight up into the ceiling, presumably hidden between the walls on the next floor somehow, revealing a small empty space, perhaps big enough for two average sized people, if they weren’t afraid to get cozy. The walls were made of the same wood, treated in the same way as the fireplace ornament, giving the space a warm and strangely inviting feeling.

You stepped inside, feeling very small and breakable as you passed under what had to be many tons of rocks hanging above you, but also just because you were entering a restricted area, belonging to a dead friend, which made it kind of sacred. Once you were in, the fireplace was lowered back into position behind you, effectively locking you in, which instantly made your senses wake up and the warm feeling disappear.

As soon as the hidden door was completely closed, a green light came on somewhere above you, and you felt the small space begin to drop. It was an elevator, which wasn’t all that surprising, but it didn’t have any floor-indicators or annoyingly bad music, and it moved for much longer than you would’ve expected, just to reach a basement.

But as the door opened, you were met with an entire wall of computer technology, far more advanced than anything you’d ever seen before. Sleek white metal panels with small led lights interjected with tubes of some sort, which were luminescent blue, and seemed to be filled with liquid rather than wires. And at the center of the wall was one large screen, displaying a picture of the estate from a bird’s eye view.

“Good morning, Mrs. Tovar.”

The voice seemed to come from every corner of the visible space in front of you, and you stepped out of the elevator to take a closer look. From your perspective, the room looked half-moon-shaped, bending away from you at the middle, but that was probably just because the computer was bent in that shape, not the actual room.

It was too big for you to be able to assess just how big the room was, but you had a feeling that it was huge. There was something about the muted humming in there that made you feel like it went on for a good distance.

“AIVA… I should’ve known this was you. Well, you’re gonna have to tell me what’s going on before I can say if it’s a good morning or not,” you sighed, crossing your arms over your waist in an attempt to shield yourself from the discomfort of feeling like you really didn’t belong in that room.

“Your husband sternly made me promise not to address this with you until your mental health had improved. However, your recent activities would seem to suggest that it has, which is why I must now ask you to assume full administrative responsibilities. With the passing of Mr. Rose, all clearances and access have been transferred to you, but without your confirmation that you accept these responsibilities, I cannot perform upgrades or system alterations.”

“Oh, for fucks sake… I don’t know anything about computer-systems, why the hell did he have to pass this headache over to me?” you questioned, not at all expecting the machine to have an answer to that.

“Because he trusted you,” it offered, and effectively shut down your less than helpful attitude. “I am a largely self-supporting program, I only require monthly reviews of updates and alterations which I make to the system, to ensure that I’m not malfunctioning.”

“But that’s my point, I wouldn’t know if you were malfunctioning no matter how much I reviewed you… There must be someone else that’s better suited for this,” you said, hoping that it would have an answer for this one, but of course, it didn’t.

“Not at the moment. Right now, you are the only one who has access to my systems, and in order to change that, you must first agree to these responsibilities in order to gain access to advanced settings. From there you would be able to remove yourself from the position of primary admin, but only if someone else that my systems are familiar with and have thoroughly vetted, is ready to immediately take over for you. I must always have a primary admin.”

“Okay, fine,” you agreed, hoping that this wouldn’t require fifty signatures. “Just show me where to sign, I have an anniversary to get to.”

“I only need your verbal acknowledgement along with your full ten fingerprints, for confirmation.”

A large touchpad which looked like any plain piece of glass, was extended from the center console in the wall, just underneath the screen, and you placed your palms and fingers flat against the cool surface.

“Thank you. I will now display the past 4 months of waiting upgrades, for your approval.”

You were about to argue that it didn’t matter what it showed you because you wouldn’t be able to make heads or tails of it anyway. But as it turned out, Sam had been kind enough to make the process exceptionally simple.

On the screen, a long list of files appeared, full of codes and numbers that you didn’t understand. But attached to each file was a short and simple explanation of what that program did, what the update was for, and which potential risks it would expose the system to. This meant that you could quickly get an idea of just what this computer was doing every day, what it was capable of, and what you could use it for, and it kind of fascinated you.

Once that review was done (it took less than two minutes) the desktop appeared, looking much like any computer desktop, with the exception that this one didn’t have any of the programs or icons that you were used to seeing in computers. It had folders named Security, Surveillance, Maintenance, Staff, Visitors and a few others. But the one that caught your eye, was the one named Pegasus.

You tapped on it, and it opened to reveal just one file, titled “Future”, and when you tapped on that one, Sam appeared on the screen, making you gasp and step back. It was just a video, but the screen was large enough to make him look life-sized in front of you, and the image quality was so impeccable that it suddenly felt like you were just looking at him through a window.

He must’ve made the video before the journey, because he looked really healthy and every bit as energetic but levelheaded as you remembered him. Just hearing his voice again made tears fall from your eyes, and what he was saying only made your feelings intensify. He’d known all of you so damned well.

He’d known exactly what would happen once he was gone, and he’d made sure that you’d all be taken care of. But also, that you’d stay together. The plan he’d set in motion was perfect, and the more he talked about it, the more you began to wonder if this had been in the works ever since you’d first set foot on this estate. It seemed farfetched, given that you knew how he’d more recently planned to send all of you away. But still…

Sam had told you that you weren’t the only applicant for the job, but that you were the only one being interviewed, and you’d since found out that he’d known almost everything about you, before you’d even met him. And now it made you wonder if he’d somehow engineered for you to come here. If he’d sent the application to you specifically, only distributing it wider so that you wouldn’t suspect that he already had his eye on you.

Could all this somehow have been part of one grand plan, devised by the most brilliant mind of your time?

He couldn’t possibly have predicted that you’d fall in love with his Tovar, but he’d seemed so relieved each time he’d found out that his best friend had tried to hurt you, only to have failed to drive you away. It had seemed to put his mind at such ease, every time you’d decided to stay, despite what you’d been through, almost as if he’d been afraid to lose you. And not just for Pero’s sake.

At the time, you’d assumed that it was because of his love for his brother. That seeing how much of a positive effect you’d had on Pero, had made him happy to see you stay so that his friend wouldn’t lose that side of himself completely. But now that you heard him talk about the family and describe his suggestion for your future, it all seemed to take on different meanings.

By the time the video ended, and Sam’s smiling face was frozen on the screen in front of you, so warm and loving and grateful, you knew that he’d somehow seen all of it coming. That his brain hadn’t just been capable of great feats of engineering and mathematics, but of a level of prediction that was far beyond what any normal brain could accomplish. That every decision he’d made, had been to bring about one particular outcome.

The man had wielded his own kind of magic. For what purpose it had existed, you could only guess, but you were certain now that Samuel Rose had been given a gift, deeply hidden underneath the genius of his mind. And you couldn’t wait to find out what the future that he had sculpted for you, tailored and chiseled with every word spoken and every expression shown, would bring.

You stepped closer to the screen and reached out to touch his face on the cool glass, letting your mind make the imaginary leap that he was actually there and could feel your love for him through your touch. You hadn’t been there when he’d left this world, something that had hurt you in a truly profound way, once you’d learned that he was dead. But you’d also been glad not to have that image of him, weakened to the point of unrecognizability, be your last memory of him.

With this message, the man had given you the gift of forever seeing him as an indestructible entity, capable of affecting the world even long after he’d left it, and finally enabling you to truly let him go. To not feel guilty for anything concerning his departure, and just be happy that you’d known this extraordinary man and that he’d been a part of your life for as long as he had.

And suddenly, that feeling which had been creeping along your spine for months now, the feeling that something was off, or missing, just vanished.

“AIVA?”

“Yes?”

“Delete this video, please.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” you nodded firmly, secure in your decision.

It was meant only for you, and there were parts of it, things Sam had told you, that no one else should ever hear. Not even Pero. A moment later, his face disappeared from the screen, and the desktop re-emerged.

“File permanently deleted.”

“Thank you,” you offered, smiling with the sudden feeling of lightness in your heart.

“Will you be implementing Mr. Rose’s plan for the estate?”

“Absolutely. And I’m assuming he’s left instructions for you?”

“Of course. Shall I begin to send out the advertisements?”

“Please do. Thoroughly vet anyone who applies and send me their details. Also, I’m gonna need those plans that Sam talked about, and if you could look into getting the supplies we’ll need, I’d appreciate it,” you rattled off, surprising yourself with how naturally you’d already begun to think of the machine as your third hand.

“Certainly. All details will be forwarded to your phone.”

“Good,” you said, excited to get this train rolling as you turned to leave, finding the elevator door opening as soon as you approached.

“Ma’am?” the machine beckoned before you left, and while it was technically accurate, you didn’t much like being called that.

“Please, just call me Peg.”

“He was right to choose you, Peg. To manage the estate,” it said, and you stopped and turned halfway back towards the computer as another thought occurred to you.

“Back on the plane, when I first asked you why he’d made me primary admin and you couldn’t answer… Had he already made these plans back then?”

“Yes. Sam knew that he was dying long before he even built this place. In fact, it was part of the reason why he did build it, and he initially created me only to guard it. He was always searching for a way to protect the people he loved, even when all he had was Mr. Tovar. And as his family grew, so did I, but he always knew that a computer alone would not be enough. He spent many years searching for someone who could fill his shoes, and you were everything he had been looking for. You never once disappointed him.”

“But did he ever hint to or suggest that he might be looking for someone specific? That maybe him finding me wasn’t a coincidence?”

“My records are unclear on that matter. He did appear to be conducting a very targeted search, but I’m certain that he didn’t know who you were until he found you.”

“Do you know if he found me before or after he sent out the application that I responded to?”

“The application was sent only to you. Which, now that I think about it, would seem to suggest that he was searching for you specifically.”

A smile grew inside your heart as the computer answered, and thereby sort of confirmed what you were suspecting. It made a small lump made of pure love form in your throat. Small, but still big enough to rob you of your voice, so you just nodded at the machine before once again turning to the elevator and stepping inside.

Coming back to your house, you found everyone awake and busy getting breakfast ready. Pero looked like he’d just rolled out of bed with his hair tousled into a right mess and his eyes barely open, but he smiled when he saw you, and paused his efforts to make coffee to come and give you a hug.

“Good morning, Belleza. How was your run?” he asked, clearly having read your note.

“Really good. And Coulson kept tabs on me, as ordered,” you said, with just a hint of indignation in your tone, which made him pull back with eyes that were suddenly wide open and apologetic.

“Sorry… I just worry…” he sheepishly admitted, but you just smiled warmly at him.

“I know, it’s okay,” you assured him, and he cocked his head to the side with a mixture of surprise and happiness on his face.

“Wait… something is different about you today. You are… balanced. Calm, the way you used to be,” he observed, searching for the right words to describe what he was sensing.

“I believe the word you’re looking for is Back,” you proudly announced, squaring your shoulders. “I’m finally all here again, every bit of the old blando that you know and love.”

The smile he gave you was absolutely radiant, and his arms tightened around your waist until he could lift you up and spin you around while his smile morphed into an ever-growing laughter, which you couldn’t help but be infected by. The kids didn’t understand anything beyond that their guardians were suddenly behaving ridiculously, but they couldn’t stop themselves from smiling at you either.

“What’s up with you two, and what does blando mean?” Emma chuckled at your antics.

Pero let you down on the floor again while you answered her, but he kept hold of your waist in order to keep you close so that he could pepper your cheeks, neck and shoulders with kisses, while you squirmed in his grip to try and look at Emma while you talked to her.

“It means softie, and it’s what your uncle used to call me, after we’d first been introd-…” you were cut off by the feeling of your husband’s hands travelling a little too far south for a room full of kids. “Oh, come on, honey, I know you’re happy but save that for later!”

He stopped himself when he heard the warning behind your giggles, but the hunger in his smile didn’t go anywhere.

“As you wish, mi Diosa. But later you are all mine,” he cautioned, which made you snort.

“I’m always yours. Even when you’re a goof.”

-=¤=-

Hours later, when the chores in the stables were done, and you were getting ready to go up to the main house for dinner, Pero was watching you get dressed when your phone pinged for what had to be the thirtieth time that day.

“I have never heard your phone make this much noise in a single day before. What’s going on?” he questioned, eyeing the device with a suspicious glare, as if he was worried that it was being deliberately disruptive on your big day.

“Oh, yeah. AIVA called me down to see it, this morning. I’m officially the manager of the estate now, and apparently there’s a lot that needs managing,” you explained, purposefully keeping the details of what you were currently working on from him, until you’d have time to have a real talk about it.

“Ay, I told it not to bother you yet…” he groaned, but you just shrugged.

“Yeah, it told me that you made it promise, but that it couldn’t wait any longer, and that when it saw me go for a run, it decided that I was well enough. But it’s okay, I don’t mind.”

“You didn’t want to have this responsibility at all, if I remember correctly. So, what’s changed?” he asked, clearly surprised by your sudden lack of annoyance at the computer.

“Everything. Everything’s different now, and not just for you and me, but for everyone who survived. This place, these people… that’s all most of us have now, and if I can help keep us all safe and together, then I’ll shoulder any responsibility I need to. Even if it means working with a machine.”

“Asombrosa… You really are yourself again,” he said with a voice that was only just managing to keep from cheering.

“I really am. So, let’s go and enjoy tonight, because we have so many reasons to celebrate, and so much to look forward to,” you suggested, and you’d finished getting dressed by then, so you just watched him as he appraised the deep blue knee-long cocktail dress you’d chosen for the evening.

It was figure-hugging without being too tight, and then loosened a bit over the thighs to make it more comfortable to move in. While sleeveless and V-necked, it only revealed a little cleavage, and you’d decided to let your hair flow freely over your shoulders that night. It must’ve been almost six months since you last had it cut, so it was longer now than you’d ever kept it before.

He opted not to comment on your looks, choosing to just kiss you instead, but it was all you’d ever need to know how beautiful you were to him.

The dinner was incredibly nice. Everyone had been looking forward to something fun happening, and the joy that filled the dining room was practically palpable. Everyone shared their best stories, even embarrassing themselves for the sheer pleasure of laughing together again, creating a thick atmosphere of love and happiness and appreciation, which lasted for hours.

You were pleased to see Poppy getting along famously with the kids, because you’d been a bit worried that she’d find their natural curiosity and friendliness a tad overwhelming, but she seemed to find them only charming and endearing. All the kids had a great evening too, getting lots of attention from everyone, and laughing until they cried. And since it was a special occasion, they were allowed to eat candy and stay up as late as they wanted, so they were just in heaven for the duration of the festivities.

And, as promised, there were games and shenanigans after the meal was at least mostly digested, so everyone ended up getting a bit of a workout too. Especially with the best game of the evening, which turned out to be something called Running Kubb. It was a Scandinavian thing apparently, consisting of throwing sticks on cubes in combination with a kind of relay competition.

But as the energy of the family started easing out into more of a mellow cheerfulness, you and Pero said goodnight to everyone, and went home to get changed for your ride.

The boys were really excited, snorting at how long it took you to get them ready, not that King helped with that at all, since he was incapable of keeping himself from knocking over or stealing everything within his reach, including your shoe. He somehow got his teeth around the heel of it, while you were bent over, looking for something in his grooming-box, and when he tugged on it, he sent you into a forward somersault.

But you were in such a good mood that all it managed to do was make you laugh until your stomach hurt, and even though Pero was initially worried that you might have hurt yourself, he couldn’t keep from laughing with you once he’d made sure that you were fine. The sun was setting when you finally set off, and with both horses being so spirited, you decided to just let them run as freely as the woods would allow, so that they might be a bit calmer on the way back, when it would be completely dark. But, to your surprise, Pero didn’t turn back when you thought he would.

“Where are you going? It’ll be pitch black in about ten minutes, shouldn’t we be heading back?” you asked when he turned onto a path which you knew wouldn’t lead back home.

“Not yet, Angel. There’s something I want to show you. Don’t worry, it’s not very far.”

“Haven’t I seen everything in these woods by now? Or have you been hiding something from me?” you questioned, but with a lighthearted tone.

“No, you’ve been there before, just not like this,” he promised, and you could hear the excited smile in his voice, which made you curious.

The path you were on led to a few interesting spots, most of whom you’d visited multiple times, but none of them were special. At least, not like the sanctuary, and you weren’t heading there.

It took another fifteen minutes to reach the place he was aiming for, and by then it really was pitch black. But that was also how you knew that you’d arrived, because when you emerged from a section of more closely positioned pines that obscured the view, you were suddenly riding along a lit path.

Ropes covered with twinkle lights lined each side of the path, and up ahead you could see lights hung in and around a group of trees, creating a little oasis in the dark. There were flower-wreaths hanging on every tree-trunk along the way, no doubt Poppy’s handiwork, and once you got to the oasis, a canopy of flowers had been draped over the clearing, by using a net.

And that net was also filled with little lights. Just enough to let you know where you were putting your feet, but not bright enough that you couldn’t still see the stars through the little open patches in between the flowers. It was hung high enough that even the horses could stand under it, and it had to be some thirty feet in diameter.

On the ground was a battery-powered cooler off to one side, and to the other was a bed, made of thick furs and covered by a wool blanket, in case the night got chilly. You also noticed a large backpack behind the cooler, probably holding a change of clothes for you each, and more than likely one or two extra blankets as well. Pero was nothing if not always concerned with your comfort.

You looked at him as you came to a stop, and he just smiled at you before dismounting Pace and starting to take all his gear off. You did the same with King, and then gathered the saddles and bridles next to the cooler and the backpack. There was hay already laid out for the horses just outside the clearing, and they found it right away, leaving you and your husband alone under the canopy.

Granted, it wouldn’t have taken too much planning or hours of setup to put this together, but you never stopped being amazed at the thought and effort that he put in to ensure that you’d keep making memories together. For a moment you felt a bit guilty that you hadn’t even considered surprising him with anything, but then, you would’ve been perfectly happy if the night had ended at home, whereas he clearly wanted more.

“And here I thought we were gonna have a simple night in…” you said while you walked up to him and took his hands.

“We have those all the time. An anniversary deserves more effort, especially with the two of us, and the number of times that we have come close to not getting to celebrate anything at all,” he reminded you, unknowingly adding to your guilt.

“I wish I’d thought of something like this,” you mused, trying not to sound disappointed with yourself, but it didn’t succeed.

“If you had, then I would not have gotten to surprise you, and I truly love doing that,” he grinned, absolutely thrilled with the entire situation, which instantly set your mind at ease.

“You are a very special person, my love. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have you,” you smiled back, and a glint appeared in his eye, before hunger filled his frame.

“Then show me,” he suggested, and then seemed to rein himself in as he remembered something. “But, before you do, I have something for you.”

“No, please tell me you didn’t get me anything…” you pleaded, suddenly feeling guilty again, but he quickly cured you of that, once again.

“Don’t worry, Belleza. This gift does not come from me.”

He reached into a pocket, and pulled out a small black velvet bag, which he opened and then reached for your right hand, pouring the contents of it into your open palm. Two rings of different sizes. One for each of you.

“Oh…… Sam,” you breathed, unable to find any other words.

But Pero did.

“He gave them to me just before he died. It was the very last thing he did in this life. He was so grateful to you, for so many reasons, but most of all for never giving up on me. I will never know what I have done to deserve such love, but I no longer question it. I love you, and I want to be with you, always.”

That lump that was made of pure love, filled your throat again, but you had to say something in response to such a beautiful declaration.

“Always,” was all you could manage for now.

But your husband didn’t need anything more. He picked up the smaller ring, took your left hand and slipped it into place on your finger, and of course it fit perfectly. Then he held his hand out to you to let you put the other one on him, but for a moment, you just pinched it between your fingers, taking a real close look at it.

You had no idea what kind of metal it was, but that wasn’t what almost hypnotized your eyes to keep staring at it. That was because it sparkled. There were no rocks on it, it was plain and perfectly smooth, just like you’d asked for, but still it sparkled as though a million stars had been compacted into that little circle.

“They’re not metal. It took me a long time to figure it out, but I am sure he didn’t make them with any metal,” Pero said after you’d been admiring it for a bit.

“Then what are they made of?” you asked, since it sounded like he had figured it out eventually.

“Diamonds. You asked for smooth, but you never said that he could not use whichever material he wished. I don’t know how he forged them together, but they are made from hundreds of tiny fragments of diamonds, this is why they twinkle like the stars,” he explained with awe, and you could only agree, shaking your head in amazement but also unable to keep from smiling.

“He always managed to do more than what was asked for, without ever doing too much,” you said, and then made a move to put the ring where it belonged, but he stopped you.

“Wait, there is an inscription inside. It’s the same in both rings.”

Curious, you changed the angle so that the light fell on the inside of the ring as you turned it to see what it said. It was difficult to make out, because the inside was just as sparkly.

-The Earth Remembers-

Pero had clearly been perplexed by these words for some time, because you hadn’t even finished reading them before he threw a couple of questions at you.

“What does he mean by that? Do you understand it?”

“I’m not sure. He might mean just literally. The Earth apparently remembers everything, so in a way, we’ll always live. Our story will always exist somewhere in time. And his too,” you offered, and your partner seemed happy with that.

“I would like to believe this. It would mean that our lives, and our love, will carry on forever,” he speculated, and you could only agree.

“It will. Something this strong can’t die.”

To emphasize your words, you took his left hand, and brought the ring to its new permanent home, and then you set about showing your husband exactly what he meant to you, just as he’d asked. It took most of the night, but it didn’t matter. You had time.

>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<

Link to Chapter 40

Thank you for reading, and if you enjoyed this, please consider reblogging. I would dearly appreciate it <3

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mc-critical · 3 years ago

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Could you do a personality reading/analysis on Nurbanu? Her development, crucial points in her story. Also, do you think she truly loved Selim or only cared about becoming a Haseki and then working towards becoming Valide Sultan? Early S4, we see her asking Canfeda if Selim is going to become Sultan, which raises the question if she was plotting for her own benefit or actually fell for Selim?

I find Nurbanu to be a character ripe with personality, despite that she only has a single season of material. Just like with Selim, or perhaps even more so, I find what was done with her fascinating. She's the second character that follows the general pattern of a "SOW" arc and it's interesting to see how much she parralels and differs from that arc.

While Hürrem starts out on the ship that was going to the Ottoman castle, we meet Nurbanu already there, standing right in front of the doors outside; sharing the same fate as the others next to her, yet it looks like she's entering there like an external witnesser of a whole other culture. But she hasn't forgotten who she is. She's used to a fairly calm life she looks very much proud of, the life of a Venetian noble woman with dignity and pride, and that is suddenly snatched all away from her. She justifiably resents those that have done this to her. She wasn't willing to go through the harem life at first, so she wanted to take her own life. I feel this comes from her genuine hopelessness that overtook her in the beggining, the situation she was in might have been way too much for her. After all, she isn't faced solely with a sense of lost identity, her current position in the harem is the exact opposite of what she was meant to do before. But after she was saved by Selim, it was perhaps then she decided to fight and survive in her curcumstances.

That said, while it may be result of her more condensed development, I always remain surprised of how fast Nurbanu found out what exactly she had to do to go on top. Maybe I shouldn't, since part of her motivation may come from not only her natural instincts, but also her will to return to the closest equivalent of her previous position once again, but the way she orients herself, how quickly she tends to react, the way she decides exactly how to act following both instinct and logic. I really like that about her. She reacts so well in tense situations, knowing which buttons to push to get the wanted effect in all her interactions with Hürrem, Selim, Canfeda, etc. It's telling of how much one particular event can change a person, opening up traits and qualities one may not have previously demonstrated. And for me, Nurbanu is one of the best examples of this.

Her "tertiary character trait" is very unique for the show, and overall: her ability to read the stars is amazing on its own and should be more appreciated, but the way it complements her character makes it even better. It's like a consitent guide for her: whether she's going on the right direction. And when she sees she's supported by fate itself, she gets even more of a push to rise up in the hierarchy and pull a victory. I loved the scenes where she went out to see the stars and where she told Hürrem of her future - they establish a lot about her. I only wish we saw even more of it. (I feel that ability of Nurbanu's works pretty well in a thematic way, as well: it enforces even more strongly that times/eras change, just like the positions of the stars change. And the motif of changing eras is major for her future conflict with Hürrem and the SOW, as a whole.)

Nurbanu also has a very psychological side of hers that was key in helping her realize what exactly Selim needed to get the motivation necessary to fight for the throne. She so often understood what exactly he needed and what had to be done, making her a voice of reason for him that could give him her word of advice. And that evolved even more as time went on: first she helped him to stand on his feet, then both of them made plans on how to get further ahead in the game, in conjunction with her own rise in the hierarchy. Even her provocations (mostly towards Huricahan, but Hürrem too later on) seemed more intentional than anything even when they weren't. Most of the time, she knew where to hit and what to say.

Even though she had a tendency to work more alone and had the intention to rise to power from the start (similarly to Hürrem), I think she fell for Selim. Wanting power, knowing what you need to do to get it and still caring for the person next to you that advances your power aren't mutually exclusive things, especially not in that time period. Maybe all Nurbanu felt for Selim was gratitude for saving him at first, but when she went to Manisa, she did come to love him eventually. She felt jealousy anytime he touched other women and always strived to comfort him in his problems and I don't think it's solely out of manipulation, knowing the core of her arc.

For me the major goal of Nurbanu's character development, her gaining more agency to fight her way to become Valide Sultan aside, was her slowly and mostly letting go of any possible scruple left in her in order to win- letting go of her more human side. We see in many instances in S04A that there's much humanity left in her and sometimes she isn't ready to do cruel stuff, even if asked to and no matter how much she wanted to adapt, she didn't realize how far exactly did she have to go to achieve her goals until a certain point. Because Nurbanu is a very patient character that goes more "one step at a time" in Manisa. She's focused on one certain aspect of the goal that contributes to the bigger victory: first it was to go to Manisa, then to win Selim over, then to make sure no one stands in the way, then to help him get advantage, then to grow herself, then help him defeat Bayezid, then erase the obstacle of Defne, as well, to become Valide, with little to no break in between. And sometimes both her own mistakes (like beating up Huricihan) and the system's cruelty (like Mustafa's death) tend to surprise her and go to paths she didn't expect to go otherwise.

I summarized most of the major story beats in her development (and talked a bit more about her in general) here, but I'll delve into them more. Her relationship with Hürrem demonstrates the best of Nurbanu coming into her own. It's not to be denied that Hürrem was the one who gave her a head start with giving her the name and sending her to Selim's sanjack, Nurbanu's arc began with her being loyal to someone else. But she's just as brave, ambitious and determined as Hürrem and for that reason their paths were always meant to separate. Nurbanu wanted for her own time to come, not to be bound by someone else, hence she isn't one that would blindly follow orders. From the beggining she had her own compass and instincts she would follow and that slowly made her clash with Hürrem, who envisioned Nurbanu as someone loyal to her first and foremost. The distance also helped in separating them, with them only sending letters to each other, when Hürrem was doing her own thing in Topkapi, while Nurbanu - in Manisa, both working for different goals entirely. The first challange of her loyalty she faced was also connected to her humanity, to the demise of someone close to her. Even though she obeyed the order (albeit more accidentally), she swore not to repeat it again and her remaining loyal was put at doubt right then and there. But what sealed the deal was Huricihan, where I feel Nurbanu got completely disappointed at Hürrem not wanting to cover for her, which is why she put out that ultimatum in the first place. Even then Nurbanu was surprised to detach from her completely, even though the hints were there before. I don't think she truly expected for Hürrem not to support what she worked for with Selim in the end, because it was only natural for Nurbanu to help him fight, not only preventing and covering his mistakes. Turning against Hürrem was more of a necessity for Nurbanu - she knew where she came from, but she was ready to fight for her position, even if it meant fighting against Hürrem herself. She was careful enough with her before they became full on enemies, though- she asked her for help when Selim messed up in Topkapi, she was reporting to her about the progress in Manisa, she showed the necessary respect for Hürrem. But that appeared to be over when she stole the ring, the symbolic demonstration that now, the power is in Nurbanu's hands - that's the truth and that's the future, no need to lean on the past anymore. And it's the main thing she would capitalize on now.

Her humanity shone most in two personal aspects of hers: her relation to Nazenin and her fight with Dilşah.

Her relation to Nazenin is probably the clearest showcase of her old ways she's still letting go of. Once they arrived in the harem, Nazenin seemed to adapt way faster; their dynamic changed to a point they were already on equal ground, something Nurbanu isn't used to and doesn't take very well, as a result. When Nazenin is the one supposed to go to Manisa instead of her, Nurbanu didn't like it, either, and wanted to be the one to take that chance instead of her. And when they reunited, they had to deal with the difference in their changed positions much more openly, with "fighting" about who's superior. It's like their dynamic changed in the blink of an eye and it's moments like these where Nurbanu shows her remaining pride to people in front of her, because seeing a person in a lower position before being elevated as highly as her, no matter how much she would care about her, wounds the pride she once had as a noble woman and that was on her way to keep going on. Even then she certainly didn't want for Nazenin to die and her death was about the last fraction of Nurbanu's past going away and the first step of her human side going away, too. Despite their strained relationship, Nurbanu lost a close person who's been with her from the beggining in this game. [Nurbanu and Nazenin have their share of parallels with Hürrem and Gülnihal: both pairs were together from the start and were forced to stand against each other through an order (though for Nurbanu and Nazenin that wasn't the entirety of it), both Nazenin and Gülnihal wanted to gain their agency and became understandably proud of what they've gained and both Hürrem and Nurbanu were against that and did something to them that put that kind of conflict to an end. Nazenin could also be the "Leo" to Nurbanu in terms of the past to an extent.]

Her dynamic with Dilşah, while mostly being a fight for Selim we knew Nurbanu was going to win, caused another human side of Nurbanu to go away - her bringing a dog in the harem and that dog ending up killed by Dilşah. (similarly to Valide killing Hürrem's horse, which played a role in comforting her during the Isabella arc.) That strongly implied that Nurbanu had a soft spot for animals and that she had a warm, caring side, contrasted with her otherwise cold and pragmatic nature. The killing of the dog, done solely to hurt her, helped to further enforce that coldness and pragmatism and went against any attachment, because perhaps such attachment would only render you vulnerable.

But Mustafa's death was the turning point of Nurbanu's arc, just like with Selim. It sealed even further the path of no return when she saw something she doubted was ever possible ("can a father kill his son?") and while she has "played dirty" before, now the methods she was slowly developing were even more assured. It's like she and Selim had to become unscrupulous at all costs.

In spite of her plans working almost everytime, she has definetly acted irrationally and that is a part of her pride. She acted against Huricihan mostly out of sheer pride and she wouldn't allow for someone to challange her position, even rightfully. That ounce of pride doesn't consume her, however, and doesn't go in the way of her plans, and even if it does, she can turn things around in her favor, like with her part in Huricihan's death.

In the end, Nurbanu has reached a point where she is fixated on her own power and victory at hand, mostly discarding anything else. She looked like a very strict mother the moments we saw her as one - wanting the best for Murad and keeping an eye on who he interacts with. She's developed a huge perceptiveness and sensitivity of future threats that extended to Defne and fixed on Safiye - I feel she realized she would be a danger later down the line during their scene together, even if we leave alone her being raised and gifted by Mihrimah. She may not have expected the amount of Safiye's growing power and influence and that may have caused her to be drastic. We're meant to believe through Safiye's words that Nurbanu became crueler as a Valide Sultan, but that could be coupled by both her development and Safiye's own distinct view on Nurbanu. She probably used means similar to both Ayşe Hafsa and S04 Hürrem.

I see Canfeda as Nurbanu's guide in the Manisa harem itself that also helped her in quite a few ways. But they always came to work more as a unit, considering what is best for Selim and the future in that moment. Both of them are smart, quite opportunistic and dedicated to what they do, that's why they complement each other so well. Canfeda, similarly to Nigar, saw Nurbanu's potential to elevate, but still insisted on following the harem tradition when it was needed. (like with Selim's concubines) Nurbanu seemed really eager to learn from her. They had soft spots for each other, but the quickly changing circumstances they were in didn't allow for many "heart to heart" moments.

#magnificent century #muhteşem yüzyıl #muhtesem yuzyil #nurbanu sultan #ask #nurbanu-baffo

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prince-of-elsinore · 4 years ago

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Sam and Dean: psychological analysis and headcanons

In response to this anon ask from the 66 SPN Questions:

6. Do you have any psychological headcanons (or canon interpretations) of the characters?

Anon, this is probably not what you asked for. But I started writing, and kept finding more I wanted to say, until I thought--why not just say it all? And by all, I don't actually mean all--this is by no means exhaustive. But it was a wonderful, self-indulgent opportunity to organize my thoughts on Sam and Dean's psychologies, and even find some new ideas as I was writing, and to put them out there so others can read and discuss. (Always happy to discuss any of this! Inbox is open.)

As a disclaimer, I know most of these thoughts are probably not original and may be retreads of many things fandom has been discussing for years. I'm not claiming to be breaking new ground here. Also, I sorta float backwards and forwards chronologically in my discussion--some parts pertain more to them when they're young, some to when they're older, and I don't always clarify which. Also, these are generalizations! I point out patterns I notice; that doesn't make them all hard and fast rules, because Sam and Dean are each human and complex!

Here's what you'll find below:

1. Core motivations 2. Happiness 3. Approval and secrets 4. Approval from authority figures 5. Need and attachment re: others 6. Sympathy and empathy 7. Walls—hiding vs. performing 8. Need and attachment re: each other 9. Ambitions and goals 10. Normality and monstrosity 11. Guilt and self-loathing 12. Autonomy and sacrifice 13. Personal identity 14. Concluding observation

1. Core motivations: Dean’s purpose is to protect Sam, obviously. Sam’s purpose, though a little less clear, is to save Dean. Sometimes it’s explicit, as in s3 and s9-10. But I think Sam also wants to save Dean, in general, from himself and from the life. It’s why he pushes against Dean’s obedience to their father. It’s why he tells him to get out and go to Lisa after he jumps in the Cage. At a certain point, I think Sam accepts he can’t “save” Dean without changing who he is, so he chooses to stick by him—because at least then he can make Dean happy.

2. Happiness: Dean’s happiness—or perhaps contentment is a better word—is knowing that Sam is safe and alive. Sam’s happiness is Dean being happy. In Sam’s world, things are good when Dean’s good. I think that, conversely, Dean wants Sam to be happy, and Sam wants Dean to be safe, but they both know and to an extent accept that those things are not within their control, so they focus on what they feel they can control.

3. Approval and secrets: They are each other’s north stars, guiding principles, in different ways. For Dean it’s “look out for Sammy,” for Sam it’s “what would my big brother think/do.” Dean doesn’t need Sam’s approval. Sure, he loves it when Sam admires him, but if he feels he needs to do something against Sam’s approval, he doubles down because approval from Sam is not the top priority. He’ll do what he thinks is right, especially to keep Sam safe, no matter what Sam thinks about it. Sam, on the other hand, does crave Dean’s approval and cares very much about his opinion. It doesn’t mean he won’t go against Dean (all the conflict of s1-5!), but it affects him differently. This leads to different kinds of secret-keeping: Sam goes behind Dean’s back to avoid his disapproval; Dean goes behind Sam’s back so that Sam doesn’t interfere with what he thinks needs to be done.

4. Approval from authority figures: Dean does crave approval from others—specifically, respected authority figures. The big one is obviously John. I think in a way it’s Mary, too, when she comes back. But it only applies as long as the person has his respect. Sam doesn’t crave approval from other authorities in the same way, perhaps because his primary authority figure growing up was Dean.

5. Need and attachment re: others: Sam is the only person Dean cannot live without, but he also makes outside connections of a friendly nature fairly easily. He’s the more socially outgoing brother who latches onto people like Gordon, gets friendly with Ash, and forges connections with Jo and Charlie, just to name a few (and Castiel at times—though their relationship is so inconsistent and often convenience-based I hesitate to include it in this category). Though Sam is Dean’s core need, I do think Dean thrives with other friendships. I’m not talking about found family, though I’m well aware of Dean’s tendency to call people “family” quite readily. Honestly, I think this is a manifestation of his craving for connection with others. Dean has an affectionate and playful nature, and let’s face it, Sam isn’t always super receptive to that—so naturally, Dean seeks out people who are. (I think this is also, in some cases, related to Dean’s craving for approval from others). Of course, none of those other relationships come close to the depth of his relationship with Sam, and when his relationship with Sam is at its best, I don’t think Dean really needs anything else to sustain him. But in reality, it can’t always be at its best.

Sam, on the other hand, doesn’t forge outside connections easily—but when he does, they tend to be deeper than Dean’s easy casual associations (even when Dean has real affection for someone, he tends to keep the tone of the relationship light). It’s pretty clear Sam was a loner kid, and I imagine it took him a while to find friends at Stanford, and even though he loved Jessica he still clearly kept many secrets. That’s the thing with Sam—he’s got walls. Dean’s got his own walls, but they’re different. Sam can seem emotionally open, but he protects his innermost self very carefully and rarely puts his emotions out there in a truly open way—even less than Dean does. I think this is a consistent personality trait for Sam, not one born of trauma (though perhaps exacerbated by it at times). In fact, it’s in later seasons that I see Sam finally, in rare moments, let down those walls, with Rowena and Jack. When he’s young, I think this was partially a coping mechanism he developed for hiding his desires/feelings, even from himself, because he was so unhappy with his life. It means that even though he’s an introspective guy, he’s not as self-aware as he thinks he is until he’s older and more mature. He’s very good at self-deception when he’s young, because as a thinker, he can convince himself of just about anything.

To circle back to attachment, what this means to me is that Sam, while he certainly appreciates close friendships and has a lot to offer those he cares about, doesn’t crave friends in the way that Dean does. I think he desires to be understood (this is a natural human need) but he’s much more comfortable with himself than Dean is, and is somewhat of a loner by nature. This means he’s also not (usually) going to be too affected by the status of his relationships with others. Dean is much more volatile and easily hurt by others (this is where Castiel is a great example).

6. Sympathy and empathy: On the surface, Sam appears to be the caring, sensitive brother, while Dean is brash and insensitive. This is a very incomplete picture, however. It mostly comes down to the difference between sympathy and empathy. Empathy is an involuntary response, whereas sympathy is something that a person chooses to express, though that doesn’t make it necessarily superficial—it also comes from an emotional place. Dean tends to be more empathetic, and Sam more sympathetic. Dean, despite his performative walls, is more easily affected on a visceral level by others’ emotions. He is more sensitive, more easily hurt or swayed to anger, and also more easily experiences empathy. This has nothing to do with what Dean thinks is right—it’s another involuntary emotion. He is sometimes moved to express this feeling, but he’s not generally concerned about appearing sympathetic. Sam, with his careful emotional walls, isn’t generally so viscerally affected by others, but he is kind. This is expressed as sympathy, because he cares about others’ feelings, and he wants to be good/morally right. On the one hand, it comes from an intellectual place—“it’s socially acceptable/morally right to express care for this person” (which Dean is less likely to care about)—and on the other, it is an emotional response—“I know what that feels like”—but a more regulated one than empathy, where one almost directly experiences another’s emotions.

7. Walls—hiding vs. performing: It’s interesting that both brothers have their own walls, which they construct as a form of self-preservation, but they have different levels of effectiveness in protecting themselves from outside influence. One difference might lie in what the walls were built in reaction to. Sam built his walls at a young age to separate himself from the outside world because, ironically, it was precisely what he desired, but was not allowed to have. He therefore consciously distanced himself from it, to dull the pain of not having it. The goal of those walls was to have something to hide behind, where he could remain generally unnoticed, so he could conceal his pain from outsiders and even from his family.

Dean took a little longer to build his walls—or at least to consciously do so. He already no doubt fashioned himself after his dad as a kid, and often put on a brave face—for Sam, for his father—when he was not feeling brave. He therefore became accustomed to performing at a young age, and performed many roles for both Sam’s and John’s benefit. He was unconsciously building walls with these performances, concealing his true feelings and desires. Later, I think this started to become more intentional, especially in relations with women/sex partners and especially after the Stanford split, as Dean realized how vulnerable to hurt his sensitive nature made him. It was much safer to perform all the time, and never let his real feelings show. For Dean, even more than Sam, I think he often lost sight of what those real feelings were behind the walls as he tried his best to be the performance he was putting on.

For a visual metaphor, I think of it this way: Sam is a boy at the center of a self-constructed labyrinth. He is almost always able to maintain control over how close people get (except when a few slip past his defenses, at which point he may be susceptible to manipulation). Despite all those elaborate passageways, though, there’s still Sam at the center. It’s lonely there, but he knows himself pretty well at least. Dean is a man in a mask who wants the mask to be his real face. He does everything he can to fuse himself and the mask together. They probably are fused at this point, so it would hurt to take the mask off. His memory of the face under the mask is hazy. He’s afraid, if he looks under the mask, he’ll hate what he sees. He’s lonely because no matter how close others get—and he lets them in close, can surround himself with people—none of them will ever see his true face. But he’s convinced himself it’s better this way, because if anyone saw his face, they’d hate it.

8. Need and attachment re: each other: Clearly, both brothers need each other. Sam’s need for Dean is different than Dean’s need for Sam, though. The way I see it, Dean’s need is one that requires reassurance. Perhaps it traces back to the concern about Sam instilled into him at a young age. I think it was strongly exacerbated by the Stanford split, when Dean realized his and Sam’s desires didn’t align. In Dean’s mind, Sam left once and can do it again—he’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sam, on the other hand, has always been able to rely on Dean as a rock, a constant in his life—to the point that, in a way, he takes it for granted when he’s younger. Not in a spoilt, ungrateful way, but in that way that we, as children, might take our parents for granted—they’re always going to be there, right? That’s why, on the few occasions where suddenly, Sam isn’t sure of Dean’s devotion, the rug is ripped out from under him and he’s completely adrift and distraught—seasons 4 and 8 come to mind. Sam needs to be the center of Dean’s universe. When he fears that that’s shifted, that Dean hates him or has chosen someone else over him, it turns Sam’s whole world upside down. For Dean, the fear is that Sam will leave, but it’s a constant, background worry. For Sam, the fear is that Dean will hate him, but since he can usually count on Dean to be obsessed with him, it only comes up now and again. Only Dean can truly hurt Sam, while Dean is vulnerable to hurt from others—though, as always, the deepest hurt can only come from Sam.

9. Ambitions and goals: Sam is the one with greater needs and ambitions outside the scope of their relationship. For Dean, if he’s got Sam and he’s got hunting, he’s content. His greatest accomplishments are taking care of Sam and saving people, and that’s all he needs. I see Sam as craving other sources of fulfillment, though—academic/lore study for its own sake (the pursuit of knowledge), and a leadership/mentorship role. I thought it was very fitting that Sam finds these in late seasons, with leading hunters against the BMOL, then leading the apocalypse AU hunters, then mentoring/nurturing Jack. Dean has always had (and needed) a mentor/leadership/nurturing role with Sam, but Sam also thrives when he’s able to step into that role for others.

10. Normality and monstrosity: I’m just going to link to this post rather than repeat myself.

11. Guilt and self-loathing: This is something they both struggle with and at times, are defined by, but it manifests differently. I think their Hell traumas exemplify their different brands of guilt: for Dean, it’s perpetrator’s guilt. He knows he did something terrible and feels he can never atone for his past actions. For Sam, it’s victim’s/survivor’s guilt. He may not have done anything wrong, but there’s a certain amount of self-blame, especially for perceived weakness. This is another theme for Sam; one of the main faults he sees in himself is weakness—too weak to save Dean from Hell for instance—and as a result tries to shoulder things alone (killing Lilith, Hallucifer, etc). Sam has a need to fix things, to prove to others and himself that he is capable. Dean, I think, sees his main fault as neediness, but really, it’s a deeply buried sense of innate worthlessness. He was taught from a young age that his brother’s life—not his own—was of the utmost value. He internalized that his life was only worthwhile if he could save others, and has trouble with the idea that he, himself, has value beyond what he can do for others.

12. Autonomy and sacrifice: The above leads Dean to have a very constrained sense of his own autonomy. In general, he values duty/loyalty to others over autonomy (although when it comes to cosmic beings, he’s all about free will—see this post if you want more thoughts on that, and Sam’s autonomy). Often, his desire to control others comes from a place of frustration when Dean feels they are neglecting duty/being selfish. I think partially duty towards others is really a deeply ingrained value for him, but there may also be some buried jealousy at play, in that Dean wishes he could act with more freedom, put himself first every once in a while, but doesn’t know how to. Sam tends to value autonomy over duty (this doesn’t mean he doesn’t believe in any sort of responsibility—he’s willing to sacrifice for the greater good, after all). This means he also tends to respect others’ autonomy, though we all know he can get plenty unhinged where his brother’s safety is concerned. The theme of Sam and autonomy has been talked to death so I’ll stop there, but you can click the link above if you want more.

13. Personal identity: One of Dean’s biggest struggles is with how much of his personal identity is received rather than self-determined. He is tasked with taking care of Sam and he is trained to be a hunter; these become the foundations of his identity. He says it himself: taking care of Sam is not just what he does but who he is. Then in season 3, his own subconscious mocks him for his lack of originality, styling himself and all he loves after his father, showing that this is a source of deep insecurity. This discomfort with himself contributes to his fear of being abandoned and left alone with himself. He doesn’t know who he is without Sam—or rather, is convinced he is nothing without Sam, which is why he fights so hard to keep him by his side. It also contributes to his general desire for friends, or better, family: people who won’t abandon him.

Later in the series, I think Dean has come to embrace his genuine self more. He’s nerdy and excitable and playful—and I don’t see this is as regression, but rather a healthy embracing of what makes him happy—not tastes inherited from his father. If it seems juvenile, it’s because it’s the first time in his life he’s allowed himself to express and explore these things. I think his relationship with hunting is also healthier; it’s no longer something he does because it’s the only thing that can give him worth. He does it because he believes it’s right and genuinely wants to help people. He has a more complete sense of self, and while it’s still totally tied up in Sam, he has gained some self-worth.

[I should note that basically everything I’ve written about Dean supports the headcanon that Dean has BPD—a headcanon I accepted after I realized this. For some more great writing on Dean and BPD, see this post by @venhedish.]

Sam has always known what he wanted for himself and rejected what was given to/allowed him. Wanting what he couldn’t have, from a young age, helped him develop an individual sense of self, not defined by others. I think it’s this difference in their sense of individual identity that leads some viewers to think that Dean loves Sam more than Sam loves Dean. He doesn’t, and losing Dean is just as huge a loss and a grief for Sam as losing Sam was for Dean. Dean is central to Sam’s life, and he can’t feel complete without him; however, his identity and every desire has never revolved as entirely around Dean as Dean’s has around him, so Sam has a foundational sense of self that even losing Dean can’t completely destroy. It’s what allows him to rebuild in grief and carry on (whereas I have no doubt Jensen’s right and Dean would waste away in the back of a pool hall without Sam). Dean’s central role in Sam’s life never disappears, though, and it is, in fact, what allows Sam to carry on; an effort to honor his brother’s memory, living in a way that would make him proud. There’s continuity in that for Sam; the craving for his brother’s approval and happiness never disappears. Seeking those things is what makes Sam happy, both in their domestic years together before Dean’s death and in the years after. They are both, after all, co-dependent!

14: Concluding observation: Sam and Dean have many similar issues, desires, and insecurities: the desire for a normal life, the fear of their own monstrosity, the desire for love and friendship, their need and love for each other, their desire for approval/to be admired, resentment at their childhood, the feeling of being impure and unworthy, the desire for freedom, issues with bodily autonomy. Sometimes these are seen as the purview of one brother or the other exclusively, but that’s almost never true when you consider canon as a whole. The difference is in how these things are internalized, sublimated, reflected, and expressed for each of them. It makes sense they would struggle with so many of the same things, because their lives are deeply intertwined and they are in the same boat most of the time.

#spn meta #sam meta #dean meta #sam and dean #winchester brothers #my meta #the brodependency #long post #spn

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dessarious · 4 years ago

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Balancing Dynamics Pt1

AO3 Prologue Next

Marinette woke to the feeling of Damian curled around her from behind. No one seemed to understand their need for physical contact but even her parents seemed to understand the necessity. They’d tried at first to stay apart but the strain was obvious. Damian had started to revert to his ‘feral’ personality, as his family called it. Marinette couldn’t sleep until they were together or she dropped from exhaustion. After two weeks of her collapsing as soon as she was with Damian no one was willing to force the issue. It was a good thing too because she was fairly certain Damian would have disemboweled anyone who tried at that point.

“You can’t fall back asleep. We have to get moving soon if you want to brief the others before the meeting with the Justice League.” Marinette could only groan at the reminder.

“Why did we agree to this again?” She felt him laugh. It was another quirk she’d noticed that he rarely laughed out loud. She had a feeling it was a leftover trait from his early childhood.

“Because if you wish for the Miraculous to remain active, not to mention look for others that have been lost, chances are you will run into some of them. It’s best that they’re familiar with you so I don’t have to kill them for trying to attack you.” She couldn’t help but roll her eyes at that.

“I still don’t see why your father couldn’t just explain the situation and tell them he’s monitoring me.” Given that she wasn’t planning on leaving Paris unless she had actual proof of another Miraculous for the time being it seemed completely unnecessary. Damian let out an annoyed breath and his song held spikes of anger.

“He tried that but Superman and Wonder Woman insisted on a face to face meeting. Superman doesn’t think anyone can be trusted without him personally in the loop, but I have no idea why Wonder Woman is so concerned about it.” She started rubbing circles on his forearm to help calm him down. He was more upset about the meeting than she was. She wasn’t sure if that should worry her or not.

“Diana’s mother was one of my former holders. She probably just wants to meet you.” Tikki’s voice came from somewhere near her desk and Marinette finally opened her eyes to peer at the Kwami. She got distracted by the clock that showed it was already past noon.

“Damian! Why did you let me sleep so late? We’ve only got a few hours before the meeting.” She turned to face him and he let out a sound of protest.

“I was comfortable and how long does it actually take to tell Chloe and Kagami to not say anything?” She just glared at him. He proceeded to yawn at her.

“You’ve been around Chloe enough to know exactly how long that will take. Of course I’m not sure if I’m more worried about her or you overreacting if they get aggressive with me.” She couldn’t stop her giggle at his scowl.

“If any of them look at you wrong I’ll put them through a wall.” The protectiveness in his song had the effect of a warm blanket. If she weren’t so worried about the meeting she probably would have fallen back asleep.

“You are okay with everything, right?” He just gave her a confused frown. “Going as Kabus and not letting them know who you really are. I don’t want to force you to lie to them.”

“It’s not lying. I am Kabus and I have no wish for any of them to connect that to me, and through me, you. Telling them I can’t reveal my identity is the truth and what’s best for us.” She listened for any uncertainty or discontent and was relieved when she couldn’t find any. She felt guilty that he'd basically given up his entire life to stay with her. The last thing she wanted was to force him to keep secrets from friends.

“If you’re sure. I can go by myself if it makes you uncomfortable.” She could hear the lie in her own voice and song. There was no way she’d make it through that meeting with a bunch of heroes on her own. At least not without embarrassing herself.

“Under no circumstances would I let you go near those cretins without me.” He sounded offended at the thought and she laughed.

“I’m sure they’re not that bad.” She started fiddling with the front of his shirt. They really needed to get moving. Telling herself that did absolutely no good whatsoever.

“Everything’s going to be fine Angel. We just have to get through one meeting and then we’ll make sure they leave us alone.”

---------------------------------------------------------------

They exited the portal and Ladybug took a deep breath. She had Kabus’s calming presence in her head and Red Wasp’s stoic presence behind her. Kagami had decided to stay behind. Gen… well she was even more keyed up than Ladybug felt.

“This is a really bad idea. It would be better for everyone if I weren’t here.” Gen’s eyes were darting everywhere. She didn’t sound worried so much as certain.

“Why?” They were interrupted by a scream of rage and Gen sighed.

“That’s why.” They turned to see Wonder Woman glaring at Gen. Without warning she flew at Gen who dodged at the last second, sending Wonder Woman through a wall. Gen’s expression turned into an amused grin. “Still too slow baby D. I know you can do better than that.”

Ladybug shared a confused look with Kabus but he just shielded her and waited to see how things played out.

“I will end you! How dare you show up here when we’re meeting with real Miraculous holders.” Gen rolled her eyes.

“Who do you think invited me small fry?” Ladybug could only blink at the nickname. Wonder Woman was taller and more heavily muscled than Gen. It seemed to enrage the hero further though. Nixx appeared and began to stretch, moving to settle along Gen’s arms and shoulders. This time when Wonder Woman came at her she dodged again but only to grab one of her arms. Faster than it seemed possible she had the hero pinned to the wall.

“Let me go!” The women sounded insulted more than anything.

“Not until you calm down. I’m here at the request of the current Ladybug holder and all this conflict was not her intention. I don’t know what you’re hoping to accomplish anyway. You should know by now that it’s useless to come at me. It’s not like you can do any permanent damage.” Gen just sounded tired.

“How exactly do you two know each other?” Kabus’s question caused Gen to let out a frustrated breath.

“When the Guardian’s ran out of ideas to separate me from Nixx they tasked the Amazons with the job. Needless to say they failed and obviously this one’s still a bit sore over it.”

AO3 Prologue Next

Ko-Fi

#maribat #soulmate au #marinette dupain cheng #Damian Wayne #original characters #Wonder Woman #chloe bourgeois

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dontjudgemeimawriter · 3 years ago

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Killer clown, disguise, and ghoul if you want<3

Killer Clown - Fave character name you’ve come up with?

Ardisci's name is probably my favorite, it's the only one that I wasn’t just like "this vibes"

Ardisci is a god name, and I make god names by looking up related latin roots and reforming them into a name. I believe Ardisci was born from a bunch of words but both 'art" and "science" are on there. Science makes sense for the god of knowledge, but I decided it could include art too, as Ardi is about more than facts, they're about knowing. I also like the nickname Ardi, it's super cute and just perfectly fits the god who kinda wants to be human.

Disguise - Do you have a method for getting characters to sound/feel in character?

Yep. Honestly just writing in their POV helps me and reaveals a bunch about them-- thats a method for non mains. But for mains especially, to get in character I mediate/look over a list of the things that are most major to keep in mind about their character. Terran, for ex, I always remind myself of the following:

Doesn't trust his own conscience

Values safety over all else

Is usually acting/pretending/lying

Believes Focus helps him, but if under focus he will prioritize logic and safety a lot more and will not consider other's feelings

Has trauma related to fire and not being in control

Always trying to be in control

Separates himself from others

I think there's more, but this is a mental list. When I'm planning though, I may reference lists of the most significant character traits so I can stay in character.

Another thing I do is "embody" them, often not just when I'm writing but when Im alone I may act out a scene and become them. I don't have a process for that but it helps to talk aloud. When I'm doing this I can feel them and their emotions and know better how they act.

Ghoul - Top 5 tropes that you enjoy/hate writing?

Hmmmm.

Secrets-- love: the complications of some people knowing, not knowing who knows, and how high stakes keeping a secret can be, and what it takes to finally reveal it

Double agent-- love:people pretending to be on one side but their true loyalty being elsewhere-- and others not knowing what side they're really on

Freinds to lovers/ that kind of yearning-- both love and hate: i like this when it's gay but really hate it when it's straight-- when it's gay there's complications of sexuality, identity, and prexisting freindship at risk. When it's straight it just feels like "oh a boy & girl can't be freinds without there being romance!" Which is really annoying. Can be done well though. And can't say i hate it bc i wrote it all the time

Chosen one-- hate: I hate chosen one because it takes away the character thing I love-- all my characters are already fucking up and making problems for themselves worse, and I like there to be a very personal reason rather than an outside force that they're involved. Why I don't like either chosen one or soecial powers-- it's an outsode force, not them, pulling them intot he story, and I'm always like well why THEM. To be fair, you could say Chrys is involved thanks to an outside force... but one of my big changes was to make that outside force nowhete close to a chosen one trope. I don't mind if the outside force was like... malevolent, which (spoiler alert) is what's up in Second Chance. Similarly, the outside force of Zachary put both Terran and Raymond in their situations, which is unquestionably malevolent and the reason they are MCs is because of what they did, not what he did too them. (I also like the subversion where the chosen one is NOT the MC. Really fun)

Idk if this is really a trope or just shitty writing but i hate the fairly common thing where there's the Feminist Not Like Other Girls MC. Y'know the like, either "she's unlike those girly girls bc she can FIGHT and doesn't fit in and rebels against the partiarchy and doesn't care about dating or parties"? Cant stand them. If you can only write girls with depth by comparing their depth to those other "shallow" girls it's not feminist to me, it's pandering. Annoys me a lot. What made me get sick of YA, especially YA with female protagonists-- not that all do this, but enough that it's annoying

Thanks for the ask!

From this

#halloween ask game #ask game #asked and answered

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catbreeds2 · 3 years ago

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Oriental Shorthair Cats

Orientals are extraordinarily keen on their folks and can let you know precisely what they suppose, in a loud, raspy voice.

The Oriental Shorthair cat is a bit of murals. Extremely lengthy and lean with a singular, chiseled head form and a vibrant, pleasant persona, this dramatic-looking breed was mainly the unique “Siamese” cat.

Up to now, blue-eyed, colorpointed cats had been owned by royalty and have been saved within the Royal Palace of Siam. The Siamese breed, nevertheless, is just one of a number of varieties native to the world. The Cat-Guide Poems, a manuscript written in Siam (now Thailand) a while between 1350 and 1767 A.D., describes and reveals quite a lot of cats native to the world, together with stable black, black and white bicolor, stable brown, blue/grey, and shaded silver, in addition to cats bearing the point-restricted coloration sample. The cats portrayed within the ebook had slim our bodies and legs, massive ears, and tapered muzzles, very like that of as we speak’s Siamese and the associated breeds.

The primary cats imported to England from Thailand had been usually stable or bicolored. It wasn’t till the 1920s when the Siamese Cat Membership issued an announcement excluding all different colours that the blue-eyed pointed cat grew to become the Siamese norm in Britain.

The idea of cats with the Siamese physique type however with a variety of colours and patterns had captured the curiosity and creativeness of cat fanciers. It was solely a matter of time earlier than these cats entered the cat fancy, with somewhat assist from breeders with a aptitude for exterior adorning.

The Oriental seen within the present halls in the present day just isn’t a direct import from Thailand, however somewhat a Siamese hybrid developed within the 1950s and 1960s. The breed’s creation was deliberate, breeders wished a cat that seemed and acted like a Siamese however that got here in a wider vary of colours. Within the 1950s British breeders crossed Siamese cats with home shorthairs and Russian Blues. Within the late 1960s American breeders, fascinated with the British Orientals, took up the torch and crossed Siamese, home shorthairs, and Abyssinians to create a brand new look. Physique fashion was not sacrificed for colour and sample, and backcrosses to the Siamese preserved sort and character traits.

The Oriental breeders met with preliminary resentment from Siamese breeders who had been resistant at finest to the concept of one other Siamese-type hybrid, however, because the means had already been paved by breeders of the Colorpoint Shorthair (which gained CFA acceptance in 1964), the opposition did not cease Orientals from gaining floor.

In 1972 the CFA accepted the Oriental Shorthair for registration, and granted full Championship standing in 1977. Since then, the Shorthair has quickly elevated in recognition. In recent times the Oriental Shorthair has been constantly rating excessive amongst quick haired breeds.

For the reason that Siamese has the lengthy haired Balinese, and the Colorpoint has the longhaired Javanese, it appears solely proper that the Oriental Shorthair ought to have his personal lengthy haired variant, a cat with an extended, lean, stylish chassis, silky fur, and a full palette of colours to select from. To that finish, the Oriental Longhair is the most recent addition to the lengthy line of Siamese-type cats. Though at present uncommon, the breed is slowly rising in recognition and appeals to the cat lover who desires the elegant physique kind and persona of the Siamese, the wash-and-wear hairdo of the Balinese, and the myriad of colours of the Oriental Shorthair.

The Oriental Longhair was developed within the late 1970s by breeders who crossed the Oriental Brief-hair with the Balinese. The breed achieved official recognition in 1985 when TICA accepted them for Championship standing, and so they had been accepted for registration by the CFA in February, 1988. In 1996 within the CFA, the Oriental Shorthair and Oriental Longhair breeds have been mixed into one breed division merely known as Oriental. On the time of this writing, the Oriental Longhair is acknowledged for Championship in ACA, CFA, TICA, UFO, ACFA, and AACE.

Measurement: Orientals are medium-size cats that usually weigh 5 to 10 kilos.

Life Span: 10 to 15 years

ORIENTAL SHORTHAIR CAT PERSONALITY

The character of the Oriental Shorthair cat may be very pleasant and outgoing. Whereas they could be stunningly unique wanting on the skin, deep down inside they actually simply wish to be one of many gang.

Orientals are very demonstrative and affectionate, and infrequently fairly dog-friendly.

They’ve lots of the similar traits of the Siamese, together with a really dog-like persona, with a number of expressive vocalizing, and an inclination to be very demanding of consideration.

Oriental shorthair cats are likely to retain a really excessive degree of exercise, exploration and playfulness all through their maturity and want some psychological stimulation, affection and even a change in atmosphere to maintain them content material.

They’re nice firm and extremely entertaining, typically fetching and retrieving issues with none coaching, driving on shoulders, taking part in tag and simply being a pleasure to look at with their athletic antics.

This cat is usually an excellent traveler and generally is a nice selection for folk with trip properties and even cellular houses!

The Oriental Shorthair may be a wonderful selection for a household, and may turn into significantly hooked up to canines and youngsters. They’re finely constructed, nevertheless, and do not take pleasure in tough dealing with, being ignored, or being left alone.

Different cats in the home can typically be a supply of stress as effectively.

This breed is acknowledged by the Cat Fanciers Affiliation (CFA), the world’s largest cat group. It’s a comparatively unusual pure-bred or “pedigreed” home cat breed.

These cats are available in so many colours and patterns that they’re usually known as “decorative” shorthairs. Pointed cats do nonetheless seem, however some present rings don’t permit them, and different cat organizations insist the pointeds be proven as Siamese.

The coat is okay, brief and silky with little or no undercoat. There may be little or no shedding, and the breed has been discovered to be much less irritating to individuals with allergy symptoms as a consequence of much less of the protein allergen of their saliva and glands, and fewer hair to distribute that protein.

These are slender, lean and athletic cats which have few breed-related well being points.

As a result of it’s lively and completely calls for interplay, the Oriental Shorthair is a really good household cat that does very effectively with thoughtful kids and most different relations.

ORIENTAL SHORTHAIR CAT HEALTH

Each pedigreed cats and mixed-breed cats have various incidences of well being issues which may be genetic in nature. The identical issues which will have an effect on the Siamese may also have an effect on the Oriental, together with the next: Amyloidosis, a illness that happens when a sort of protein known as amyloid is deposited in physique organs, primarily the liver in members of the Siamese household Bronchial asthma/bronchial illness Congenital coronary heart defects akin to aortic stenosis Crossed eyes Gastrointestinal situations akin to megaesophagus Hyperesthesia syndrome, a neurological drawback that may trigger cats to excessively groom themselves, resulting in hair loss, and to behave frantically, particularly when they’re touched or petted Lymphoma Nystagmus, a neurological dysfunction that causes involuntary fast eye motion Progressive retinal atrophy, for which a genetic check is obtainable

ORIENTAL SHORTHAIR CAT CARE

The brief, tremendous coat of the Oriental Shorthair is well cared for. Comb it each couple of weeks with a stainless-steel comb or tender bristle brush to take away lifeless hair, then polish it with a mushy fabric to make it shine. Brush the tooth to forestall periodontal illness. Day by day dental hygiene is finest, however weekly brushing is best than nothing. Wipe the corners of the eyes with a tender, damp fabric to take away any discharge. Use a separate space of the material for every eye so that you don’t run the danger of spreading any an infection. Test the ears weekly. If they appear soiled, wipe them out with a cotton ball or smooth damp fabric moistened with a 50-50 combination of cider vinegar and heat water. Keep away from utilizing cotton swabs, which might harm the inside of the ear. Maintain the Oriental’s litter field spotlessly clear. Cats are very specific about lavatory hygiene. It’s a good suggestion to maintain an Oriental as an indoor-only cat to guard him from illnesses unfold by different cats, assaults by canines or coyotes, and the opposite risks that face cats who go outdoor, reminiscent of being hit by a automobile. Orientals who go open air additionally run the danger of being stolen by somebody who wish to have such a gorgeous cat with out paying for it.

ORIENTAL SHORTHAIR CAT BREED TRAITS

The physique kind of the Oriental is just about the identical because the Siamese’s. What units the breed aside is the wide range of colours and patterns. Not like the Siamese that is available in solely 4 colours and one sample (though that varies relying upon the cat registry), the Oriental is obtainable in over 300 shade and sample combos. Some colours are extra widespread than others; stable ebony is the most typical. Pure white, chestnut, blue, and ebony tabby are additionally widespread. Nevertheless, Oriental breeders are working with nearly each doable colour and sample.

The Oriental is generally a wholesome breed however can endure from the identical defects because the Siamese, since they’re intently associated. Protrusion of the cranial sternum is a standard, although not critical, defect seen in some Siamese and associated breeds. Endocardial fibroelastosis is a extra severe anomaly that may be present in some Siamese strains.

ORIENTAL SHORTHAIR CAT COAT AND GROOMİNG

Aside from colour, the Siamese and the Oriental are indistinguishable, having a svelte however muscular physique with lengthy strains and a wedge-shaped head that’s lengthy and tapering from the slim level of the nostril outward to the information of the ears, forming a triangle. The unusually massive ears are broad on the base and pointed on the tip, giving them the identical triangular form as the top. Medium-size eyes are almond-shaped. The physique is usually described as tubular and is supported by lengthy, slim legs, with the hind legs greater than the entrance legs. The Oriental walks on small, dainty, oval paws and swishes an extended, skinny tail that tapers to a wonderful level. Oriental Longhairs have a medium-length coat that’s tremendous and silky. It’s longest on the plumed tail. Typically nicknamed “Ornamentals” due to their in depth colour palette, Orientals come in additional colours and patterns than every other breed, together with strong, shaded, smoke, parti-color, bi-color and tabby. Relying on the coat coloration, the eyes could also be blue, inexperienced, or odd (one blue and one inexperienced).

ORIENTAL SHORTHAIR KITTENS

Oriental shorthair kittens are typically extra energetic, rowdy and curious than another breeds. Even at a treasured age they’re brilliant, keen and really people-conscious.

Due to this, they are usually fast learners and simple to coach. They’re neat and fastidious about their potty habits, even when only some weeks previous, and even the youngest kittens will quickly fall right into a routine with the household schedule

Extraordinarily athlitic and wonderful jumpers, these little kittens will push the boundaries and have a tendency to discover continuously and will wander far so maintain an eye fixed out!

Kitten-proofing is unquestionably advisable for anybody contemplating adopting or buying any kitten.

Excessive furnishings must be off limits, warning must be taken when holding these wriggly little kids, significantly when carrying them throughout laborious wooden or tile flooring, and areas underneath counters and doorways needs to be blocked off as they’ve a really sturdy urge to discover.

In Look, the Oriental Shorthair kitten appears very very like a miniature grownup. They’ve an extravagant and particular look at just some weeks previous and develop increasingly elegant every single day.

This breed is gaining in reputation however continues to be comparatively unknown,and they aren’t all the time available. If you’re searching for a pure bred Oriental shorthair kitten to purchase you’ll have to go looking a bit to search out an Oriental shorthair cat breeder.

ORIENTAL SHORTHAIR BREED STANDARD

Head Form: The top is a protracted, tapered wedge form. An extended straight line is seen from the highest of the pinnacle to the tip of the nostril. No bulge over the eyes or dip within the nostril. Nostril is lengthy and straight in profile, a continuation of the brow with no cease or break. The chin and muzzle are wedge-shaped. The ears needs to be fairly giant and pointed, huge on the base. Place ought to proceed the traces of the wedge of the top. The eyes are almond formed, medium in measurement, and slanted towards the nostril. Inexperienced is the popular colour in all coat colours besides white. White cats ought to have blue eyes solely. In different colours, hazel or amber eyes allowed. Depth of colour most popular over tone.

Physique and Tail: Lengthy, slender, and lithe however with ample muscle. Exhausting and lean. The legs are lengthy and slender with hind legs longer than entrance, in good proportion to the physique. The toes are delicate and oval in form. 5 toes in entrance and 4 behind. The tail is lengthy and slender, tapering to a wonderful level.

Coat: The fur could be very quick, high-quality and easy.

Sample: The one colours not allowed are pointed, “Siamese” patterns.

General Look: This cat ought to have a really unique look, very slender and lengthy with a novel head form and an energetic, outgoing persona.

A FEW MORE ORIENTAL SHORTHAIR FACTS

Oriental Shorthair cats are one of many extra talkative breeds accessible, and so they come within the largest assortment of colours of any breed – there are even “longhaired” shorthairs!.

#catbreeds #shorthaircats #orientalshorthaircats

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glowyjellyfish · 3 years ago

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Turns out the Food Market screenshots didn’t disappear, they were saved in the general Storytelling folder and not the Neighborhood>Storytelling folder. Why? Who knows! My other community lot screenshots saved in the regular folder just fine! I got pretty frustrated with it, experiencing this plus a “crash for no reason during Change Appearance, and I really mean no reason I checked the CC the game just wanted to reload for half an hour” on two separate nights this week, but at least I figured that much out. I’m hoping that loading CAS before going into residential lots and changing appearance might make a difference, CAS might load everything better.

But the good news: I have pictures of the Food Market, the Baldwin home, and the Broke family!

Is there a good default for the community lot phone? Other than that, I like how you can see the aqueduct and the Church in the background!

Down here, we see another view on the meat stand, and there’s a cheese stand nearby.

The register table in the far corner, as well as a couple of benches, a pair of outhouses, and a jester stand to entertain the customers.

A couple of Vendor stalls--herbs and spices, and assorted fruits, crops, and foraged goods. I’m planning to reduce the number of vendors as the economy gets going and sims are able to supply their own grown products, but for now I just want to be sure they can buy the food they need.

And the far right, empty market stalls, intended for goods our grocers may purchase from other sims directly.

Whew! I’m so glad I found those. Although I had about a million shots of similar angles.

I’m pretty happy with the Baldwin home, although I do not consider it totally finished:

It’s a little bit similar to the Patel home in general layout, although with a strict theme and identical restrictions at the yeoman level that’s hard to avoid. I went with a darker wood tone on this lot, though, and wanted a striking contrast with white plaster.

The living room. I’m finding it really tough to figure out appropriate furniture for yeomen, which might be why I struggled to spend enough on the Patel home. I think this is satisfactory, though.

The kitchen, featuring the checkbook they’ll be using once they get the Hedge Tavern up and running. (I couldn’t find any guidelines on how much the hedge tavern is supposed to cost, so I will wing it. But they’ll have plenty with Carlos’ money, and send the rest to the church.)

Upstairs, in the common bedroom that’s for Carlos, Sofia, and Marcus when he ages up, and any future children once they’re out of toddlerhood.

The “private” bedroom, for a given value of private. This is for Isabel and Benjamin, and all babies and toddlers in the family.

Outside, a simple garden. They have radishes, leeks, cabbage, and carrots. Mostly I just wasn’t sure what to do with the outside, and figured it couldn’t hurt to have them try to sustain themselves. They will not be allowed to sell their produce, except maybe directly to a grocer. I... suspect I started them on too large a lot (it’s 2x3, and they don’t have a home business so it should probably be 2x2 instead), but it’s okay.

Because they own the hedge tavern, I gave them a few apple trees (and a juicer!) with the idea that it at least represents brewing their own cider. I may have made apples too common, but I don’t think sims care about supply and demand. Also pictured: the outhouse.

And a stash of extra kegs from the tavern. I’m planning to add more decor, mainly outside, if they have money left after constructing the tavern.

And at long last, the Broke family!

Brandi Broke, looking... fairly stunning if I say so myself. I wanted to keep her pink theme, and it worked out pretty well. She is going to want to secure herself a new husband as quickly as she can, but for now Dustin’s officially the man of the house.

Dustin Broke, mid-tantrum about being poor. Not coming off well regarding manliness, bud. It is unlikely he’ll be allowed to marry Angela--he’s a peasant, she’s a yeoman, and she’s first-born so prefers to marry up, but if they’re well suited for each other their parents might be willing to consider it.

And Beau Broke, with shaggy hair that may one day grow long, and a simple toddler shift outfit. I must say, I’m looking forward to remodeling the Broke house--eventually--as it’s already a pretty good shape for a peasant hovel. I just need to eliminate the foundation, make it only two rooms, and dress it up.

For a little more update, I have decided that the sensible thing to do with traits is start by passing them out to the sims who are obvious, (ie, make the Curious brother supernatural fans, make Cassandra a hopeless romantic, etc), and then randomize the rest, rather than try to research every sim’s personality or make wild guesses. I didn’t realize the randomizer is smart enough to take sims’ personalities and aspirations into account, so it should give good results.

...oh, and Loki is gonna be Evil. He might be the only premade sim that definitely qualifies for that.

I have seven more lots to build/remodel in Belladonna Cove, minimum, and 53 households to makeover before I can consider actually playing. Hooray?

#the sims 2 #ts2 #sims 2 medieval #the megakingdom of simland #simblr

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shineonyoucrazyyandere · 5 years ago

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any hcs or scenarios for yandere!la squadra with a crush thats not too fluent in italian? like maybe they're an exchange student or something?

I didn’t put Sorbet and Gelato because I was wiped by the end of writing this. I didn’t expect to make these hcs 2.4k words so forgive me. This was really fun to write though!

Yandere! Formaggio

Formaggio tends to loiter around occasionally when he’s not on a hit. Sometimes it’s to try and call over a cat or two to pet other times he’s biding his time relaxing.

Of course that one fateful day he sees you petting a cat that just so happens to be one of his favorites. He immediately mentions this to you while walking up casually.

It might surprise you, and he’ll immediately recognize you’re not from the area let alone the country. But the male can still understand you, and that brings a nice little smirk across his face.

He’ll ask if you need a little help in speaking, of course he cheekily helps. This leads him to doing it often however, and suddenly he’s meeting you purposely.

Formaggio will certainly pop up wherever you’re staying, it’ll likely freak you out which he doesn’t mind. He just casually treats you like you’re someone close and well he wants to get even closer.

Your somewhat limited language skills is something he’ll be quick to use against you. Oh are you trying to say something? It doesn’t sound quiet right. He’ll even say certain things a little too fast for your understanding.

Oh but don’t worry he has this, he can teach you everything you need to know. Private lessons with just you and him at least is what he insinuates. He keeps distracting you with these frightening words, until the point he can grab your helpless self after realizing your differing heights.

Who needs your buddies, when you can have one on one time with a native like him?

Yandere! Illuso

Illuso is personally drawn in by you when you seem to have a bit of trouble getting something through to someone else. It’s more simple amusement at first with you stumbling over your words.

He’ll eventually step out from the mirror world he has, and come right up to you. The temporary fright in your eyes gives him unusual delight even coming from a foreigner.

He somehow knows what you’re meaning to say, and beats around the bush a bit until finally assisting you. After managing to get your proper vocabulary together he does ask for a bit of compensation.

It’s really simple however, all Illuso asks for is some cookies (and maybe a few slips of money). So he sticks to basic conversation.

He’ll keep stalking you after he supposedly “leaves”. He ends up paying a bit more attention when it comes to who you’re familiar with and what language you’re speaking in. Over the phone or in person that doesn’t really matter to him.

Anyone that physically came to the country with you, slowly “vanish” or aren’t around for extended periods of time. As Illuso himself sees himself as the only one to properly fit helping you.

He’ll likely be the cause of you being somehow being left behind on the trip back to your home country. No, you won’t even realize you’re not in a normal area until noticing the lack of people aside from Illuso himself.

Yandere! Pesci

It takes either a lot of courage on his end to approach you or you might’ve bumped into him while sorting things out. Still he feels a bit bad about your situation and is sympathetic for you trying to learn something.

Pesci might even stumble on his own words himself, but he tries to keep his words simple for a new learner to understand. He helps immediately once understanding what your problem is. Lifting something? No problem. Need a ltitle help sorting out directions, sure!

After that he can’t help but linger around a bit, and maybe see where you head off to.

He’ll end up fixating on finding you again, for once he’s not on the end of being unsure. He wants to keep guiding you as best as he can, just to show he can stand on his own.(If and only if to prove himself a bit more to Prosciutto)

Pesci does somehow manage to do this, even if it did take misleading you to thinking you lost something. He can’t but feel his heartbeat flutter when you thank him in Italian.

Eventually he finds himself tailing you many places, while casually dragging away unsavory people with Beach Boy. Even if the person is relatively close to you.

Speaking of you might be caught by Beach Boy yourself, he just can’t bare you leaving so soon. It might be a door handle, or your own luggage. It’s the best option for him, and he swears he’ll figure out on how to keep you around (even if it’s against your will).

Yandere! Prosciutto

He likely pauses at first at whatever you’re saying, an instant recognition that you’re not fluent. The blond weighs his options before finally deciding to help if you seem to be wanting it.

His gaze firmly focuses on you as he seems to lightly translate while getting you to properly figure out what you need. He usually doesn’t go around doing this for just anyone. Perhaps it’s your determination to learn seriously that gets him?

He makes a clean break after the first meeting, fully content with what he had done. It’s not until he sees you with anyone he feels is inefficiently trying to help you on another day that it gets him to do anything.

Prosciutto tends to lean you towards markets and tries to speak about certain food items. Or even wine to an extent, something he sees essential to try while in Italy.

He basically guides you along and fills in some words that you seem to miss at times. Much of the time he listens in approval or gently tsks at mistakes. (Though he won’t berate you like he does Pesci occasionally).

The blond eventually finds himself craving your company more and invites you out to dinner to experience the food culture. Any decline of his offers due to having plans with anyone else he’ll quickly try to take care of.

Behind your back he learns of these people’s identities and likely ages them to be incapable of attending those plans themselves. He might kill them off later if he sees them as too much of a nuisance.

There’s an increased amount of one on one conversation with you and Prosciutto. Even if it’s simple, he compliments your improvement.

The blond might be the only one left that you’re able to come in contact with. He’s suddenly meeting you early in the morning and not bringing you back to the place you’re staying in until evening. At times he purposely keeps you out so late, he tells you to stay with him somewhere until you can return the next day.

By any means if you get panicky and try to call anyone for help that isn’t Prosciutto himself you’re in a lot of trouble. The blond isn’t happy and his tone is simple and firm with you, as he makes it known he doesn’t approve of what you’re doing.

The worst of it all is when he softly informs you’re not leaving on your intended date, he’s oh so tenderly holding your wrists while saying this. While aging you directly with the Grateful Dead. Its only a fair punishment from trying to run off from him.

Yandere! Melone

Melone is one of the few that would’ve had an eye on you right from the start. Likely he’s already infatuated with whatever cute traits you’re exhibiting.

He purposely positions himself in a way that you have to talk to him, (whether it be dropping something or nearly spilling something) and by some chance you do happen to ask him something, he’s thrilled.

He’s extremely impatient with you and your fluidity in Italian, actually he’s quite excited to potentially teach you something. It weirdly satisfies and captures his heart in an indescribable way that he seems jittery for some reason.

Simple chit chat is what he starts with, and he intentionally distracts you in missing a ride or going a certain area by making conversation that might be a bit too quick for you.

The purple haired male takes no time at all to memorize your looks and positive traits (which he immediately goes to since he often has to find a mother for babyface). Though instead of rationalizing everything about you for a stand, he’a thinking of a potential relationship in the making. After all your culture and even language is likely different from his, so every second counts.

He snatches a key or a card to the place you’re staying at and makes a copy of it fairly fast. Although it might be temporary he takes in everything you have to offer. Especially how you leave your bed made or unmade, the sweet scent of washcloths or the like. Though if he finds pictures he makes sure to go through those quickly.

He prefers to go clothes shopping with you, and full well will pay for it if it means him seeing you wearing it. All while guiding you through conversations and the like to make it possible.

It doesn’t take long for Melone to come to the conclusion of separating you from anyone that came with you on your little trip. Even if that’s getting you lost on a trip to another part of Italy, so you can only rely on him is something he ultimately revels in.

More than likely he’ll drug a drink a bit to keep you sedated if you become a bit uncooperative. But he’ll certainly make sure his place is ready for you when you come to eventually.

Yandere! Ghiaccio

Honestly this man gets huffy over Venezia being said as Venice, so you’ll end up sticking out like a sore thumb as he can’t possibly ignore someone so close by to him stumbling that much. Usually he’d just go off and rant about it to Melone or himself but just something about you struggling got to him.

He’ll walk right up to you to try and get whatever you’re trying to say out of you. He recites it perfectly in a huff, perhaps if you look at him with some appreciation he decides to stick around (though he still walks off seemingly unconcerned any further).

Eventually he sees you surprisingly often, and he starts griping about the other people around you. He doesn’t enjoy it in the slightest, even if it’s a low key attempt at friendship. It’ll likely piss him off into an angry state if this said person stays longer than their welcome.

Suddenly he’s butting into certain conversations, and insists on helping with any potential accents around. At times he insults the other person he talks to if they look at you too long.

If Ghiaccio finds himself developing a significant attachment to you, he starts taking out unwanted people left and right. Freezing each and every last one of them without remorse.

There’s days he just sits and helps you become more fluent, others he watches from afar until he feels like moving in.

There will be a day just about all of your stuff is taken from your place, and the next moment you’ll be stolen away. When and where this happens, you’ll have no clue.

Yandere! Risotto Nero

Just a simple question is really all it takes, he’ll help in any way possible. He’ll be open to waiting until you get where you need/or wherever you’re going. There’s likely some small advice to avoid certain places during certain hours as simply as possible.

He probably trails his eyes over you as you walk another direction, Risotto doesn’t have many people approach him willingly with his height and appearance. It’s simply interesting to him, but he doesn’t overthink the interaction at first.

If Risotto does see you again by some means, he doesn’t mind briefly intervening for extra advice to you. If it’s getting around it doesn’t seem like an unusual thing to talk about to outsiders. Or he simply helps in any linguistic troubles.

He spaces out his interactions but he will occasionally folllow you to your current residence with the work of Metallica at play.

More often than not you’ll meet the man more towards the evening and night. He’ll happen to be walking around, and lets himself lose enough to walk with you. Depending how often you go out, he might make it a “habit” to bump into you.

There’s certainly times he finds himself yearning to break into the place you’re staying in. That’s with the certainty no one else is there with you however.

He finds himself helping you out very often the closer he gets to you, something about how you interact with him gives Risotto a feeling he hasn’t felt in a long time. Even with the broken Italian, he starts to seek to improve it on a whim.

This is going to happen a lot when you somehow find a place to be alone for more than five minutes. Either the white haired male will stay in the shadows watching you, or he’ll come out to talk to you alone.

Slowly though he finds himself “needing” you more and more, just hearing you afar drives him crazy. He finds the odd reliance on him strangely satisfying.

Places that don’t have very heavy foot traffic at all are places you’ll sometimes finds the male. He insists on them so he can communicate with you much clearer than tourist spots.

His touches are much more sensual than that of a person that would have a platonic friendship. He’ll stand much closer to you than a normal person would as well. Even while helping you learn something, it seems abnormal. Asking about this only lends him to implying it’s a habit he’s trying to break.

There’s a point he starts killing off anyone he sees as an obstacle, especially when he learns of your eventual return to whatever country you came from.

If you try to run, or perhaps become wary of Risotto somehow. He simply cuts the games, draining your iron is enough and making you drop any phone is as simple as willing it. A douse of pain from needles or a scalpel, it’s just a means to an end. Keeping you in his life for good just happens to be one of those things.

#yandere x reader #yandere jjba #yandere imagines #yandere headcanons #yandere #jojo no kimyou na bouken #jjba #la squadra di esecuzione #formaggio #illuso #pesci #proscuitto #melone #ghiaccio #risotto nero #jojo x reader #jjba x reader #jjba imagines

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astro-syd · 4 years ago

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Jungkook & Taehyung Synastry Reading - Astrology

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Jungkook’s Chiron conjunct Taehyung’s North Node in Libra

This is a compelling aspect between the two of them. There’s a big theme of responsibility in their relationship. As lighthearted and accepting as they can be of each other, they also have a very intense connection that could easily hurt each other if they aren’t careful. Chiron deals with your biggest soul wounds and trauma, and the North Node represents where you’re going and what you’re meant to learn and experience in life (south node is your past and where you came from).

This could be a relationship in which Jungkook is meant to experience the healing of all of these core wounds and traumas THROUGH Taehyung. It could also mean that Taehyung continually manages to touch on these core wounds of Jungkook’s and bring up a lot of old pains, probably completely unintentionally.

Given that this aspect is taking place in Libra (a very loving and non-aggressive sign), which is also Jungkook’s first house, I think this aspect could be playing off of Jungkook’s shyness and his fear of showing up in the world as his true self. There’s a lot of identity issues with Chiron in the 1st, and it’s very likely that Taehyung’s north node in the 11th (a humanitarian house that touches on serving others) shows a sort of connection that’s meant to be healing both to Jungkook, and mutually through the band’s connection. I’m curious to see if more Chiron aspects come up in further synastry readings amongst them all.

That said, even if their relationship was a little painful and frightening at first, it seems that they’ve really turned these aspects into deeply healing ones that are mutually beneficial over the years. We can see how close they’ve gotten simply in the ways that they interact with each other, so it’s hard for me to even consider aspects in which they could possibly be provoking deep childhood wounds in each other. I imagine this could’ve been an initial challenge upon meeting and living together or might sometimes cause them a problem or two under harsh transits, but typically takes on a more healing form. Their whole vibe together has always seemed too loving and accepting to make such an aspect into a real challenge of any kind.

Jungkook’s Venus conjunct Taehyung’s North Node in Libra

There’s lots of aspects to Tae’s NN in their synastry chart??

Often with this placement, the NN person (Tae) feels that the Venus person (Kook) has something about them (either in regards to their personality, life experience, etc) that they’re meant to experience in this lifetime. Since we’re talking about a Venus conjunction which rules art and beauty, I think Jungkook would really be drawn to experiencing Taehyung’s art and creativity (likely for his own inspiration).

Given that they have many other positive aspects, I would think that Taehyung is willing to indulge Jungkook by sharing his creativity and ideas with him and will help to guide Jungkook into the person and artist he's becoming.

Your south node shows your past, where you came from, the skills and traits you were born with and that were encouraged by your family growing up. The north node shows your destiny, where you’re going, and who you’re meant to become. It usually involves a fairly strong element of fear and resistance for you, because it’s opposite your “comfortable” south node traits. The north node pushes you out of your comfort zone and will ultimately lead you to feel most fulfilled, but some people can experience strong resistance toward this, causing the energies in your chart to sort of “force” you into it in order to create balance between this axis.

That said, most younger people are very uncomfortable with fulfilling their north node and sort of have to grow into it as they get older. Both Tae and Kook were very young when BTS debuted, which makes me think that this aspect may have given them more trouble when they were younger.

The influence of Jungkook’s Venus would both inspire Taehyung and make him uncomfortable. Their friendship is strongly attractive, even addictive, but Taehyung may be more shy about adopting these Venusian traits that Kook brings to the relationship, and therefore his presence in these matters could intimidate Taehyung and make him uncomfortable. It seems that Taehyung’s creativity as an artist and a musician has had to be slowly drawn out of him over the years with BTS. Rushing him into self-expression too quickly would scare him and cause him to close off even more, especially in his younger years, so there may have been some “growing pains” between the two boys as they both learned how to fill their rightful places (in terms of their role creatively and professionally) within the band.

Remember that they also have a Venus/Jupiter conjunction, which are the two strongest benefics in astrology. Regardless of any road bumps with this aspect in their younger years, it’s likely that Taehyung now sees Jungkook as a safe haven. He feels like he can trust Kook to accept him and the things he creates without question. When seen in a long-term relationship, this aspect could show that Jungkook was destined to draw this out of him and give him a safe space to express himself however he chooses to do so.

Jungkook’s Venus conjunct Taehyung’s Chiron in Libra

This aspect is another indicator of a strong attractive force between them. Yes, Chiron deals with wounding, but it’s often attractive in synastry because we tend to search for the people who can help heal our wounds. If this were in aspect with a malefic planet I would think otherwise, but Venus is a benefic and it’s in its rulership in gentle and loving Libra, so I definitely it takes on a healing form between them rather than something destructive.

Jungkook’s Venus will soothe a lot of Taehyung’s old wounds (much like I mentioned in the last aspect). However, it may have taken them a while to get to this point. As I mentioned with the Venus/North Node aspect, it’s possible that early on in their relationship, these two may have found themselves bumping upon a lot of old wounds and traumas in each other. Any early fights and disagreements would’ve resulted because of this. As deep as their bond is when given time to mature, it probably took them a while to learn to navigate this bond and how these trauma aspects are woven between them in order to reach the level of healing and comfortability that they have now.

Taehyung’s Chiron does indeed have some pretty harsh aspects in his natal chart, showing that these themes of pain and the stories around his wounds are likely very prominent in his mind and memories. People with strong Chiron aspects tend to be in a constant search for ways to heal or escape their pain. It’s very likely that Jungkook, even just by means of his demeanor and personality alone, is very deeply healing to Taehyung.

I also want to mention that one of Taehyung’s chiron aspects deals with wounds around simply existing within a body. His soul very much struggles to be anchored down in this physical world (and he has multiple placements that show as much- I’ll get into this more when I do his natal reading), but he also has incredible powers to be a healer himself if he so chooses. I think both he and Jungkook tend to mirror similar trauma patterns in each other, even just in their insecurities, and through this bond that they share, are by nature very healing presences in each others’ lives.

They’ve both got Chiron and one of the angles in Jungkook’s 1st house (Tae’s 11th) plus Tae’s NN and Kook’s Venus. So there’s a lot wrapped up here in common themes of pain and wounding, expressing it through art and each other, their destinies, healing and acceptance.

It’s also notable that many artists and musicians have this placement in their natal charts, and here we see it between two artists of a group. Chiron/Venus tends to show an appreciation of the beauty in human suffering. It makes sense that a lot of their music deals with themes of struggle and overcoming the odds.

Jungkook’s Saturn opposite Taehyung’s North Node in Aries & Libra

Yeesh, more Saturn, more binding aspects between them.

These two definitely have one hell of a karmic link to each other

Saturn in harsh aspect with a North Node can cause the NN person (Tae) to feel held back from his life purpose and mission due to Jungkook’s restrictive Saturn. Given that Tae’s North Node is near his Midheaven at the top of his chart, Tae might even feel that Jungkook keeps him from grabbing the spotlight, or from showing up as the true artist that he really is. Maybe early on in their career, Tae could’ve felt like Jungkook outshone him a lot. They’re close in age, but Jungkook has long been known as the “golden” boy of the group, and Tae might’ve spent some time feeling like he was standing in Kook’s shadow.

This aspect usually causes a romantic couple to be strongly drawn together, but eventually will reach the point in which they feel unfulfilled and held back by the relationship and will separate. I’ve said before that I don’t think it’s possible for these two to fully separate in this lifetime, and I think Saturn here is really just functioning more as a means of long-term loyalty and commitment and a responsibility to their job, rather than as a force to separate them. It just simply doesn’t add up with their other aspects.

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sortinghatchats · 5 years ago

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On Hufflepuff Primaries

Hufflepuffs are loyal before they are good or right– or, rather, they feel that being loyal and true to things or people that exist is more important than sticking to grander but more abstract ideals or concepts. To a loyalist, sticking to an ideal or philosophical principle at the expense of the world or the individuals actually standing before them would feel anything from silly to selfish to arrogant.

Hufflepuff’s loyalties are broader than Slytherin’s, the other loyalist House. This can take several forms. A Hufflepuff can be loyal to a broader concept of people than the Slytherin– Slytherins have a few people who are theirs, while Hufflepuffs are more likely to be loyal to people in general. One common form of the Hufflepuff is the dedication to the idea that “every person is a person.”

(For a broader overview of our system, which we suggest you read first, please go here!)

These Hufflepuffs compulsively attempt to understand other people’s reasoning behind things. They like giving people the benefit of the doubt. One way to look at this is to see loyalty as a general personality trait of Hufflepuffs that applies to many people, and Slytherin loyalty as something that is not less intrinsic to them or less important to them, but less of a major personality trait because it usually interacts with fewer people. For Hufflepuffs, loyalty is something less specific and possessive, and more general.

Hufflepuffs, until great extremes are met, are some of the most likely to come to their enemies’ aid. However, this does not necessarily mean they are more likely to forgive than other Houses. Some Puffs do delight in forgiveness, or heal through forgiveness, but it is not a necessary part of the system. If anything, Gryffindors are probably the most likely to forgive their enemies, if those enemies seem to repent and change. Gryffindor Primaries, driven by their own strong internal moral compasses, understand or perhaps expect that other people could eventually and genuinely come to their side of an issue. For a Puff, it is not about sides or repentance; it is about the inherent worth of a human being. Hufflepuffs who value other people in that way can and often will help someone they dislike, distrust, or disrespect.

Puffs can also be loyal to a group without being loyal to any people exactly. They can be loyal to the traditions, nostalgia, or legacy of a community or culture. Tradition and custom are vital things to a community group. Those things are part of the community and it can be that part instead instead of the people that a Hufflepuff attaches their loyalty to. Taylor, the traditionalist community organizer of Gilmore Girls, is a Hufflepuff who is deeply loyal to the tradition, customs, and seeming of small town Stars Hollow, without particularly taking into account the people who live there.

Other non-people-based Hufflepuff Primaries might hate (or be disinterested in) people but love their town, subculture, religious organization, culture, or profession. They might also genuinely adore people, but invest their loyalties and therefore priorities in the overall shapes and traditions of their whole community instead of the actual well-being of the individuals within the community. These Hufflepuffs can be the gatekeepers of custom: the grumpy curmudgeon who complains about change at town meetings, the enthused archivist who is recording and preserving their world for the future generations, or the peppy soccer mom who tries to keep the communal town activities and institutions alive.

The importance here is not on what groups or how they value groups– the importance here is that they value groups, communities, and the footprints they leave in the world (whether it’s the people in them, the history of them, or the trappings of tradition and custom).

Hufflepuffs don’t need to be empathetic. They don’t have to be kind or warm or soft– they have to be fair and they have to be loyal. That’s the heart of it. You can have loyalty to people without liking people.

Hufflepuffs can move with a passion that’s stereotypically Gryffindor, or a detachment that’s stereotypically Ravenclaw. They can have loyalties so pointed that they look Slytherin– though this is most likely in the case of a Burned Puff, which we’ll discuss further below. However, a Hufflepuff who considers very few people to be “actually people” can look like a Slytherin as well.

This ability to dehumanize (only some people are “actually people”) is one of the things that sets Slytherin and Hufflepuff loyalty apart. This is not to say the Slytherins do not dehumanize–they certainly can and do–but it interacts with their loyalty differently. Slytherins prioritize most the people who they value the most. Hufflepuffs who value people try (with differing levels of success) to separate how much they like an individual and how much they prioritize them.

This is where the dehumanization comes into it. In order to cut off someone or to ignore certain groups, without feeling guilty about it, Hufflepuffs can often turn to dehumanization. They other whole groups– this is how you get racist Hufflepuffs, but also how you get Hufflepuffs who unapologetically deny they have any debt of fairness to, say, abusers. They can also dehumanize sole individuals, as a way to cut them out of their lives– friends who have betrayed them might remain part of their circle until some last straw, when they become monsters.

The place this differs from Slytherins is that Slytherins don’t need to dehumanize or other in order to exclude other people from their calculations. The people who are not “their” people can still be people to Slytherins, but the Slytherin just feels none of the Puff’s need to value all people equally, regardless of personal worth and affection. Hufflepuffs may or may not be more likely to other or dehumanize than the other Houses, but they and their species-wide fairness have a particular need for it.

Ravenclaw v. Hufflepuff

It can be hard to tell the difference between a Hufflepuff Primary and a Ravenclaw Primary who has decidedon a Hufflepuff system. It is especially difficult to tell from the outside.

The main telling factor has to do with what happens when the individual is convinced that there is a system more logically, intellectually, or effectively correct than the Hufflepuff’s dedication to fairness.

Convince a Ravenclaw who’s decided on Puff that there’s a more accurate truth out there and that it isn’t Hufflepuff, and they’ll drop their system for the new one without feeling guilty. Ravenclaws would, in fact, feel guilty for not dropping it. It would clinging to something wrong for comfort and nostalgia’s sake. They would be disappointed and disgusted with themselves.

A Hufflepuff Primary, on the other hand, could understand that what they are doing is not the most efficient, or the most useful, or the most correct, and they would still want to do it. They would still feel guilty for not doing it. It would be an act of admirable strength for a Hufflepuff to stand with their Puff convictions even through doubt and uncertainty and conflicting logic. No matter what is right or true, or what fancy words you use to convince yourself, people are still people. These things matter because they matter.

Gryffindor v. Hufflepuff

It’s also hard to tell the difference between a Hufflepuff and a Gryffindor who believes in Hufflepuff’s evenhandedness. One non-conclusive but potentially useful hint is to see how the individual interacts with groups. Hufflepuffs have a tendency to invest heavily in groups and to hang some degree of worth, joy, or identity on their allegiances. Hufflepuffs also have a tendency to be swayed and influenced by the groups they interact with.

Gryffindors may or may not find it more easy than a Hufflepuff to defy their friends and community when they disagree with them, but a Gryffindor will tend to find it more important to disagree, even over theoreticals. A Hufflepuff may turn on or leave their community over a disagreement, but that will almost always be when someone’s well-being is on the line–something practical, real-world, and tactile.

Constructed?

Hufflepuffs can have a subsidiary moral system built up, just like the Constructed houses of Ravenclaw and Slytherin. So can Gryffindors, for that matter– so why didn’t we call them Constructed, too?

That built moral system is less intrinsically necessary to Gryffindor or Hufflepuff. Ravenclaw bases its morality in logical or psuedo-logical construction, and Slytherin needs a system to fill in the gaps in their fairly focused moral system. Hufflepuff has a broader system of loyalty that informs their goals in most situations– unlike the Slytherins, Puffs are unlikely to need a subsidiary system to guide their moral decision-making. However, it’s perfectly possible for a Hufflepuff to construct a system in order to better serve their core values.

Hufflepuffs might also, instead, adopt an already existing subsidiary system to live in, often borrowed from the community they are loyal to. Hufflepuffs tend to value a sense of belonging to something larger than them (rather than the focused possessiveness of Slytherins). Like Slytherins sometimes adopt the moralities of their Most Important People, Hufflepuffs can sometimes adopt the morality of their community in the same way. Dean Winchester, a Hufflepuff who adopts the hunter community’s general Gryffindor, is an example of this.

An important disclaimer: Not that fair

Even if a Hufflepuff values all people, they can still value people they like slightly more. Hufflepuffs are still loyalists and are not entirely indiscriminate. It’s just that this behavior will likely not be as dramatic as it with a Slytherin– and a Hufflepuff is more likely to feel guilty about prioritizing those they love over others of equal objective value. Slytherins, in valuing those they love most over all others, feel validated and correct.

One of the easiest ways for a Hufflepuff to deal with this is to either rationalize it to themselves, or to dehumanize the neglected other in their minds– or to just live, quietly, with that edge of slight guilt.

Burned Hufflepuff

A Burned Hufflepuff is a Hufflepuff who has shrunk the community they once belonged to. For whatever reason, the Hufflepuff has found that having a community (or at least a community that large) is unsafe. They have raised their barriers, cut themselves off, put alligators in the moats.

What distances the burned Hufflepuff from the Slytherin primary, who also prefers smaller circles, is that the Hufflepuff wants a larger community. They wish the world was the kind of place where making those kind of broad and warm connections was feasible, practical, and not dangerous. The Slytherin is sated with their small circle; the burned Hufflepuff is aching for things they cannot or will not allow themselves to have.

A Hufflepuff can, it is important to note, cut off a portion of the community without burning. A Hufflepuff cutting off, say, a bully, betrayer, or abuser, because they don’t deserve to be part of their community–that does not have to be a burning (though it can be– for instance, the actions of one villain might make the whole world into an untrustworthy place).

Hufflepuff primaries are not inherent doormats, despite the common stereotype–standing up for themselves and their right to safety, happiness, and autonomy does not make someone not a Puff or not an unburned Hufflepuff. Hufflepuffs are inherent valuers of community–whether that community is their town, country, gender, field, or family; or even something that focuses less on the warm bodies of a community and more on the traditions, structures, trappings, and history of a culture or place. Adjusting their definitions of “community” as the Puff learns more, grows, and figures out what their boundaries should be is just change, not a burning.

The burned Hufflepuff comes in not when the Hufflepuff simply prunes their community, but when that pruning is an act of despair, desperation, or sacrifice. They are not cutting off the dead leaves or excluding a poisoned limb. A burned Hufflepuff can’t handle the world as is and they are cutting off portions of the community they love, value, and feel a debt and duty to, or cutting off the potential to have a community altogether. A Hufflepuff burns when they act against the values they hold and refuse to support, aid, or stick with a part of a community that they do consider their own and owed.

Hufflepuff is one of the most common “burned” primaries in our present media. Very often, a burned Hufflepuff is at the core of the “Jerk with a Heart of Gold,” the “Sour Knight in Armor,” or any gruff, jaded hero who saves people despite seeming very very done with this whole people thing (stripped Gryffindors can also, though less often, fill this role).

Burned Hufflepuffs are an easy way to write a character who can be good, sacrificing, and noble without being a ball of cheerful, loving sunshine or a lofty mess of shiny but impractical ideals. They populate dark-and-gritty settings and grim dystopias, where they thrive, angst, and usually end up either building or falling in with small, tightly knit families of misfits.

A Hufflepuff’s burning can happen for a host of reasons. A Hufflepuff who feels compromised in some way might feel the rest of the community is safer or better without them, and will cut themselves off. Over the ten plus seasons of trauma, growth, and new and exciting types of unhealthiness, Dean Winchester of Supernatural is sometimes this sort of burned Hufflepuff. A monster hunter and a child of violence, Dean wishes hard and hopelessly to be part of the oblivious civilian population–his greatest temptations tend to be a normal life, a family, barbecues. His brief domesticity with Lisa and Ben, his dream in the djinn’s imaginary world, and his joy at finding the Men of Letter’s homey bunker (a kitchen! his own bedroom!) are all places where his underlying desires seep through.

Dean’s world is a dangerous one, however, and he is a dangerous one. It’s what causes him to leave Ben and Lisa, after bringing supernatural threat home to them. It’s why, other than a few often regretted instances, Dean never even attempts that sort of family or peace. He thinks he is unfit for such warmth and goodness; he is a hunter and that requires sacrifice.

A Hufflepuff could also be so exhausted and traumatized that they have to put up walls and boundaries to survive–this act of survival will feel both wrong and necessary. Will Graham in the show Hannibal is a Hufflepuff whose empathy and work with serial killers has put such a drain on him that he’s cut himself off as much as possible–refusing eye contact, living out by himself in the woods with his dogs, ferociously refusing connection while also leaning into it (most apparent with his growing “friendship” with Dr. Lecter, but also visible with Jack and the lab techs). The world of Hannibal is an ugly place and to survive in it, empathetic Will must Burn.

A Hufflepuff could also look around at the hard, damning world and decide that their ideals are impractical and impossible, and limit themselves to the few they can help– and damn themselves for every one they can’t. Malcolm Reynolds, the captain of the TV series Firefly, is this type of burned Puff. When his Browncoats lose their civil war, Mal circles in on himself, losing his faith in man as well as God. He defines his new community as just the crew of the ship he captains–nine wayward souls.

One of the places Mal’s burning is most apparent is in the sequel movie Serenity, when Mal and some of his crew are escaping a doomed town. A townsman clings to the back of their vehicle, slowing it, and Mal shoots him (the attackers who are coming to town are a fate worth than death). When his second in command questions him later, she tells him, “In wartime, we’d never have left a man behind.” Mal responds, “Maybe that’s why we lost.“

Mal did his best in a situation where he believes you inherently can’t save everyone, and it still eats him on dark nights. But his traumas in war and loss have forced his Puff into a system of grim practicality that defines one type of the burned Hufflepuff primary.

There are of course many ways of being burned and of being a Hufflepuff primary that we haven’t discussed here. But the basic tenet of the burned Hufflepuff is this: abandoning a community or a chance for one, while wanting desperately not to have to.

To sum:

Hufflepuff is a Loyalist Primary, like Slytherin. But where Slytherin’s loyalties are pinpoint, Hufflepuff loyalties are broad and fair. Hufflepuff loyalties tend to have more to do with a sense of belonging or allegiance than a sense of possession. While they have preferences, biases, and personal loyalties, a Hufflepuff often values the idea that there is an inherent worth in just being a person. They can also be loyal to traditions or cultures, rather than people–but the key of it is that the devote themselves to something bigger than them.

Hufflepuff, like Gryffindor, is an Intuitive Primary. They have a strong sense of fairness and obligation, though the forms of those fairnesses can vary widely. If they tried to talk themselves out of a duty, kindness, or service they felt obligated towards, however, it would feel like shirking and squirming, not reasonable reassessment.

Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw are both External Primaries, meaning they take moral direction from outside themselves. Doing good isn't about making the choices that make you "feel good"-- it's about making the choices that are good. Practical and down to earth, they take input from their communities, and from the vulnerabilities and needs of the people directly in front of them.

#sortinghatchats #sorting hat chats #hufflepuff

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