#they had to get me to... lose it huh
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when they do the head-lean 😭😭😭 they want me to cry
#edvin ryding#omar rudberg#i am LOSING IT#have clearly been not unhinged for too long#they had to get me to... lose it huh
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A reminder that hurting Twilight is analogous to hurting Time
"This could just as well be my own blood"
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Time is struggling in the updates following Twi's injury and recovery, because he's recovering too. To him he was bleeding out as well- that's how much he cares
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Art by Jojo @linkeduniverse :))
#the INDIGNITY of having a wife who taught you to love after losing everyone and everything#sucks to care huh. but really tho- he considers it to be his own blood he cares so much I. feels.#linked universe#btw did Time sleep that night? I kind of assumed he did after wars told him he had stuff handled but actually did he sleep? probably not...#linkeduniverse#Lu time#also I have like a ton of posts but I just wanna get something out there idk#ALSO TRIN DID IT TAG YOU I WANNA KNOW#also language is hard and I hope I didn't accidentally say anything offensive or something if I did let me know#:)))
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you know as a neurodivergent person I only have two fucking requests of anyone I consider a friend: 1) do not cold shoulder or get aggressively angry with me for something you didn't bother to communicate you had a problem with and 2) do not fucking infantalize me and treat me like a naive fragile broken child who is a burden on everyone in my life. shouldn't be too hard right??? insane how many neurotypicals are fucking incapable of doing the bare fucking minimum
#literally the only prerequisites i have for someone to be my friend#like if I love you legitimately everything else is a non issue. it doesn't even occur to me to get mad#and it's not even in a “sigh i will look past this for you” way. genuinely there's very little you can do to bother me if you're my friend#ill just assume you had good intentions#because i trust that you wouldn't intentionally hurt me if you're my friend so getting angry is pointless#but i genuinely don't know how to handle it when people i care about get mad at me. it scares the shit out of me#ugh i can't explain what i mean#but god some people really just don't give a shit once they dont need me anymore huh#it's the way they go out of their way to make me feel like a helpless 13 year old who can't do anything right again#vagueposting the shit out of tumblr dot com#i swear if you manage to lose ME as a friend 9 times out of 10 there's smth seriously wrong with you#because i virtually have no standards and will put up with everything#and am the person who cares too much in almost every relationship in my life
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pmdd has you crying in bed like "and the fact that I cry for like three days every month is another reason why no one will ever love me!!!"
patently ridiculous illness
#pmdd#I had a serious problem with emotional regulation when I was a child#probably because of poorly understood neurodivergence#but I cried about EVERYTHING all the time forever#I felt like literally anything that happened was the worst thing in the entire world#I was a small nervous dog all the time#and I was always convinced that there was this nebulous Awful Consequence that would happen if I wasn't perfect#so like I would lose at a game? cry. favorite movie wasn't on? cry. made a mistake on a test? cry. rules of a game changed? cry. and so on#I wanted to be a good child SO badly#the only time I was ever sent to the principal ever was because I was crying too much and it was disrupting my kindergarten class#and you can... probably guess how I reacted to that#anyway whenever I get these PMDD crying jags now it reminds me of this time when I was little#I came home SOBBING#and my parents were like oh no honey what happened#and I said I was crying because the kids were making fun of me for crying too much :')#it's that same circular logic#sobbing because I have the disease that makes you hate yourself and sob#and then hating myself more because of the sobbing#it's genuinely so fucking dumb#and there is that part of me that's like 'girl just go make a sandwich and calm down'#but you can't really rationalize yourself out of it huh
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BUT IM NOT A WRITER. something strange possessed me to write my first proper fanfic in maybe a decade. be niceys to me but also grill me so i can get stronger. this one is a stupidly self indulgent bit between Soda and Emizel, a day or so after emizel was sired. CW for gore descriptions, but thats about it i think. image below is a snippet of the start. the rest of the whole dang thing will be under the cut. ive never posted fanfic ever in my life. read my tags for secret behind da scenes commentary
"Oh shit… I think hes dead…" It was another night, another patrol, another fight, and another win, for Emizel and Soda.
Under moonlight, under street light, under interwoven wires above, the two stood here in a quiet and damp alleyway. The air was drenched with the smell of a previous rain, and the puddles of said storm remain huddled in corners and pot holes.
One splashed as soda found himself stepping forwards into one. The residual adrenaline of the fight had left his body shaking, his heart still pounding, his wounds still throbbing. They had still won; or more-so, Emizel had won. A particularly nasty blow to the side had Soda reduced to the side lines for most of the fight, left to watch as his newly vampiric comrade had absolutely eviscerated the competition.
Emizel had only been turned a day ago, but it was impossible not to notice how it had changed him. He already acted so goddamn confident, so on top of the world, and this newfound power, newfound speed and strength, only built upon his insane ego.
The Fangs that they encountered here on this night stood no fucking chance. Emizel was too quick, too strong, and he easily chased off the rivals. It was only now, as the final unfortunate opponent had turned to flee, a clean clock in the jaw sent the human tumbling to the ground with a dull thump, and it did not move afterward.
Soda shifts his shoe out of the puddle, the cold seeping into his sock being one of the few things keeping his mind in his body in the moment. Is the guy breathing?
A low laugh bleeds from Emizel as he stretches his arms, licking his sharpened teeth as he stares off in the direction the remaining Fangs went. Soda knew that look on his face, the look of a tiger pondering on its next kill, he knew well that Emizel wanted to chase them.
But the guy on the ground.. It was one punch to the face, and the wicked crack sound that came from it had planted a seeding dread within Sodas chest.
As he steps forward, around the puddle, the resulting sound made Emizels attention click back over to Soda, the snap of his gaze making Soda flinch.
The two lock eyes, and Soda weakly gestures to the limp body on the floor. "The uh.. I think.. Is that guy dead?" He finally asks, having a hard time keeping contact with Emizels intensely red eyes.
Emizel turns his attention to said body, tilting his head as he goes to kick at the thing, turning it over. "Man no way hes dead, I punched him once." He mutters.
"Well, yeah, but his head almost twisted all the way around when you did.." Soda steps up to stand beside Emizel, the two boys standing with their hands in their pockets, down at this unfortunate, limp body.
"Should we hide it?" Soda asks, glancing back over at Emizel, who had.. An odd look on his face. He was clearly pondering something, but Soda could only guess whatever was going on in that brilliant head of his. He knew and trusted that Emizel was smart. If anyone could figure out what to do about this, it would be him.
But the lack of an answer had anxiety chewing at the back of Sodas rib cage, and after a second, he speaks up again, compelled to fill what he perceived as a tense silence. "Like.. I dunno, I've never uh... killed a guy..." He shrugs, prompting Emizel to let out a big sigh.
"He's not dead man, just out fuckin cold." Emizel kneels down next to the body, putting an ear up to its chest, and pondering on that for a moment. An uncertainty twists his expression, as he decides to instead place a hand on the victims throat, checking for a pulse. A moment passes, and seemingly finding nothing, he pulls back.
"Uh... Okay, so he might be dead."
Something about the confirmation from Emizel made a shiver run up Sodas spine. That, or maybe it was just the breeze agitating the cold water in his shoe.
"Huh… Damn.." Was all that Soda could really get to leave his mouth. Which was hardly a splash compared to the torrent that was slowly churning in his head. They just killed a guy. Or, Emizel just killed a guy. And it was so easy. They had to hide the body now, right? That was the usual progression here? Getting caught for murder was way more extreme than getting caught for breaking mailboxes with soda cans. It was so, so disturbingly easy. It really was just one punch. It's not like the Fangs are weak by any means, so just one punch? And this guy is dead? Forever?
Or, perhaps by human means, their rivals were fairly tough. But Emizel was on a whole other level. No mortal could stand up to him now...
"Hey, are you okay?"
The question had pulled Soda back from his head, his gaze flicking back over to Emizel, who was looking up at him with those eerie, piercing red eyes. Soda felt another shiver.
"Uh, ieah man, I'm all good." Soda nods, swallowing down whatever anxiety was bubbling up in his throat.
But Emizel didn't seem satisfied by his answer, standing back up and staring down his human comrade. Soda couldn't meet his eyes, his gaze instead traveling downward, and pausing on Emizels red, cut-up shirt. There was something off about the color, the way it seemed darker in some spots, brighter in others.. Wait, wasn't Emizel wearing a white shirt before all this?
The vampire boy seems to pick up on Sodas expression, following his eyes down to his shirt. "Oh, yeah! While you were on the floor, the knife guy got me a little" He says, a stupidly simple smile on his face. Soda was about to let out a laugh at how unbothered his friend seemed by it, but it gets caught in his throat when Emizel goes to pull his shirt up.
The sound of the bloodied fabric peeling away from skin made Sodas own skin crawl, but that wasn't nearly as bad as the sight of the intense gash running from his collar bone, down to his stomach.
"Oh, fuck dude!" Soda gasps, but Emizel laughs it off. Even despite knowing Emizel well, Soda was still surprised by just how much Emizel could shrug off. "Shit, doesn't that hurt, dude?"
"Oh yeah this fucking hurts!" he says with a laugh, his smile big and toothy and proud as he presents this egregious wound. Swollen and angry, pulsing with a slow heartbeat, and still oozing with thick, dark blood.
The sight of the split flesh, and the glints of bone beneath the dark, dark red all tugged at Sodas gag reflex, and yet he couldn't pull his eyes away. So Emizel's just been walking and talking so normally this whole time with his chest just cleaved wide open? Soda felt just as impressed as he felt horrified.
It wasn't until Emizel reaches down to poke at the abhorrent wound that Soda snaps out of it. Watching his friend press his fingers into the bloodied flesh, and slowly pulling it apart, allowing more ichor to seep from the gash, it was too much to watch at this point.
Soda reaches up to put a hand on Emizels wrist, the vampire boy stopping, and looking up at his friend.
Soda found himself freezing again when he locks eyes with Emizel. He was going to say something now, right? "U-uhm.." Is all he really chokes out, giving Emizels wrist a gentle tug. "D-do you. Uh. I suppose a hospital Isn't a place you can go anymore..?"
Emizel just smirks at that, letting Soda pull his hand away from the wound. "Oh, yeah no, but it's fine. I mean, I don't think it's gonna kill me" He shrugs. It was so, so impressive just how unphased Emizel was by all this. Fuck he's actually so cool.
"Well yeah man but it's like, still a bleeding hole. Like you're soaked in blood dude, I'm pretty sure that even a vampire needs that stuff on like, the inside." Soda rubs the back of his head, still unnerved by the sight of it all. "Vampires have like, super healing, don't they?"
"Oh yeah like, regeneration powers. I know I heal faster sometimes but I dunno how to just, activate it on command.." Emizel hums, his eyes narrowing down at his own injury, as if trying to will it into mending. Soda looks away, unable to watch that vile gash ooze any longer.
"I dunno man, how do they do it in like, video games?" Soda tosses the question out, trying to click together some sort of solution in his own head.
"Uhhh.. Huh, video games.." Emizel repeats to himself, chewing on the thought while idly poking at the laceration; until an idea audibly flickers to life in his head. "Oh, I just gotta refill my blood meter. Or whatever."
"Oooh yeah, blood meter!" Soda perks up, "Of course, see this is why you're the brains, man" Soda smiles, glancing back over to his cool friend, but immediately needing to look away again when the sight of that egregious gash tugs bile back into his throat.
While Soda averts his eyes, Emizels eyes wander back over to the body, and that classic 'Emizel has a bad idea' smile creeps across his face.
"Well, if this guys dead, I'm sure he's not gonna need all that blood.." He grins, kneeling down next to the body again.
The word 'wait' had hardly gotten the chance to crawl from Sodas mouth, before Emizel lifts up the arm of the unfortunate body, pulling the sleeve back, and immediately sinking his teeth into the exposed wrist.
The sound and the sight of blood gushing around Emizels teeth made Soda cringe, his hand impulsively coming up to aide his own wrist. An empathetic phantom pain made his wrist ache, his imagination simulating the feeling of shark teeth cutting into skin, sinking deep into the flesh, and clacking against bone. That was a lot of blood, that was streaming down the arm of this fodder.
A low growl bleeds from Emizel as he adjusts his teeth, cutting into more flesh, opening the wound further, and allowing a pulsing torrent of red to stream down his chin, onto his coat. It was an annoying thing, to clean blood out of clothing. Most of the Demons deemed it easier to just let the stains remain. But the night that Emizels throat was torn open, and liters upon liters were granted freedom from his human form, the unbelievable mess had practically changed half the color of Emizels iconic coat.
That was the first time Soda had ever seen that much blood from one person. And well. This would probably be the second.
The sight was unnerving, but it was impossible to look away. The alley was quiet, save for the distant bustle of a distant city, which made the noisy squish and squelch of teeth gnawing on flesh all the more apparent and nauseating.
Emizel had become a monster for sure, and watching it feed on something was… thrilling, in a way. It reminded Soda of feeding a pet spider, or lizard. A mouse for a snake.
It's a heavy thing to witness, the end of a human life. The fear of death is a primal thing, and Soda was no different from any other living thing. He figured everyone else feared death just as much as he does. Well, maybe except for Emizel, of course.
It made sense. Emizel was such a cocky and noisy kind of guy, but hes always had the power to back it up. Even when he lost, or seemed at his lowest, Soda still saw this sort of fire in him, one that Soda admired.
Of course Emizel would be the one to become something like a vampire. Something that Soda had always figured was just a fantasy creature thing. He wondered; if vampires were real, what else was real? Werewolves? Zombies? Unicorns? Are there real demons? Like from hell? Is hell real? Is he going to hell?
The sudden ttteeeeaaaaarrrr of flesh rips soda from his wandering thoughts. Emizel was tugging his head away from the arm of his kill, his teeth clamped down into the chewed meat, and pulling it apart. Soda had seldom seen so much of the inside of a human arm, and the sight of spilling threads and squirming veins was hardly something he ever wanted to stomach again.
"Oh fuck, dude, hey-" Soda steps forward, raising a hand, but the way Emizel snaps his head back over to him, twisting to an unnatural degree, Soda cant help jolting back.
Reddened teeth glint menacingly in the low light, a threatening growl thundering from its clenched, dripping jaws. Emizels eyes were focused, yet wild, glowing with whatever light they could reflect.
Sodas eyes were wide, and his body was frozen in the thick, electric tension within the air. It was like staring down an angry dog.. Suddenly a light bulb in his head flickers to life. It was kind of like an angry dog, right? One hunched over a meal it didn't want to give up. Memories of old encounters and unfortunate dog bites resurface in Sodas head, and with that experience, and with those lessons learned, he gathers the courage to react.
He shuts his eyes, keeping them closed for a few seconds, as he slowly pulls back his arm, and slowly steps back. It was an eye contact thing, wasn't it? Eye contact makes dogs angry, right? That was how you dealt with an angry dog? As he pulls back, and takes in a breath for composure, he finally dares to peek at the angry vampire before him again.
Its snarling had died down, but its eyes were still trained intently on Soda. After a tense, and agonizingly, slow pause... It blinks back, lowering its head back down to its meal, but keeping its anxious stare on this potential threat.
A relieved sigh falls from soda as the tension finally melts. He didnt realize he was holding in so much of his breath. "O-okay, man.. It's yours, you uh.. Earned it.." Soda mutters, stepping back further, until he was standing in a sufficiently dry enough space to sit down in. Now that he wasn't standing, he was finally taking into mind just how much his hands were shaking.
It's odd. Soda couldn't really describe this feeling thrumming in his chest as something like fear.. Nausea? For sure. Disturbed and rattled? Oh absolutely. This was certainly a sight he would have a hard time scrubbing from his eyelids when he sleeps tonight. But he wasn't scared. The memory of the night that Emizel was sired still coated the inside of his mind like an unwashable film. Even in that moment, when the unnatural teeth from the unnatural maw of an unnatural thing hovered over his throat, he couldn't say with confidence that he was scared.
Emizel really is his best friend in the world. And he knows with his whole heart that Emizel feels the same. He knew and trusted that his best friend would never hurt him. Not too badly at least. He loves Emizel, and would give anything to support him.
Like a mouse to a snake.
This really is an incredible power that his comrade had come across, and Soda especially felt a sort of pride in his friend. He felt it was worth it to help him feed it.
The bile in his throat had made its point, and Soda agreed, that watching someone die, and get torn apart and drained might be too much for him. Despite how much he hated the Fangs, the end of any human life seemed like such a jarring thing. To have such an intense fear finally get confronted. Would he go to hell?
Maybe he couldn't just feed people to his friend. So an alternative could be donated blood, right? Soda wouldn't mind giving up something like blood. His body makes it for free, after all. Maybe some other Demons would agree to give up some blood too. But they shouldn't have to take on such a burden. Soda wouldn't mind being the only one. The only one. The only one.
His hand comes up to rub at his neck, as his imagination conjures up what it might feel like to have teeth sink into his flesh. He's been stabbed before, is that sort of what it would feel like? Would he have to get stitches? He didn't really want to get stitches, so maybe there could be a more effective way to get the blood out of him. And there was so much vital stuff in his neck too. There's' a vein that's safe to cut into somewhere, right? He would have to look that up later.
A STARTLING RINGING;
Splits the moment,
Prompting both Soda and Emizel to jolt in shock,
As the phone in Emizels pocket rings away.
Acting as if nothing abnormal had taken place, Emizel pulls out his phone, and answers it.
"Heyy, Johnny! Yeah we chased em off, I don't think those bastards will be infesting this street again anytime soon. Yeah, ieah we'll be heading back soon. Oh fuck yeah dude, save us some!"
Emizel covers the speaker of his Nokia, turning back to Soda with a big smile on his violently bloodied face. "They got some pizza waiting for us back home, dude!" he whispers out to him.
Soda does his best to crack a smile, and to suppress the look of unease that probably stained his face, as he stares at the literal murder scene that's been splattered about in front of him.
"Oh, yeah, hell yeah man.." He swallows down the bile again. "What kind of uh.. Soda did they get?"
Emizel ponders that, before turning back to the phone to ask Sodas question.
"Sprite and a big pack of that one strawberry mountain dew" Emizel tosses the answer back over to Soda, who gives a nod, and thumbs up.
Mountain dew is so neat, Soda really liked all the wacky flavors those guys come up with. The thought of going home and opening a can of soda was certainly a comfort. After witnessing all this blood and gore and viscera, Soda absolutely needed to get back home and get a nice cold glass of something bright red .
As Sodas mind wanders off to soda, Emizel wraps up the conversation on the phone, before hanging up, and standing up.
The movement had pulled Sodas mind back into the moment, enough for him to timidly voice a concern he's had since the start of this debacle.
"Uh, hey, so.. The body, should we… Uh.." He gestures vaguely to it, and Emizel grants it a nonchalant glance.
"Eh, I can toss it into a dumpster or something, I dunno. I'm sure its fine. I'll handle it."
The vampire boy goes to pick up the corpse, the wound in its mangled arm no longer even dripping with blood, the flesh pale from the absolute absence of red in its veins.
"Go ahead and meet me by that one mailbox, the one with the bullet hole in it." Emizel casually instructs, tossing the drained body over his shoulder. "I'll catch up."
"Uh, yeah, okay.." Soda musters up a nod, and the strength to rise back up to his feet, wincing as that bruise on his side makes itself loudly known again. He still felt anxious, but even despite it all, he knew he could trust Emizel to take care of things. He always does. "Just stay safe man, I'll see you there." Soda assures with a smile, and Emizel matches it, tossing him a wink. And then suddenly- -He's gone! If Soda had blinked he would've missed it, but he was fortunate enough to just barely catch the glimpse of Emizel darting off at an inhuman speed, probably looking for a place to dump the body. Right, he would take care of it. Emizel always makes sure his crew is taken care of. Well... Guess all that's left for Soda is for him to walk back to that meeting spot. He looks around the alley for a moment, taking in the sight of that enormous pool of blood in the middle of the concrete. Or whatever the floor of this alley is made from. He ponders on the present moment a little longer than he meant to, the shock of it all leaving him aimless for just a few, soothing moments of just, decompression. The night is quiet, vast, and cold, but the stresses of just the past 5 hours had left his body radiating with fiery aches and pains, so the chill of the occasional clawing breeze was welcomed. Except for when said breeze agitated the cold water still soaked into his sock. He should step in another puddle on his way back to even it out. The smell of rain still rested heavy in the air, heralding another storm on the horizon. There was that, and then, well, there was also the blood. The stench of it felt far too intense to just ignore it, the metallic miasma making itself maliciously unmistakable. Maybe the impending storm will wash this mess away... He looked forward to putting this unfortunate night behind him. With one last rattled, but deep breath, he stuffs his hands in his pockets, and turns away, strolling back over to the mailbox that Emizel had described.
He couldn't wait to get home and drink some soda with his friends.
#NO TAGS ON THIS ONE BC WELL. IM SHY. IM TAKING A BIG LEAP JUST BY ALLOWING U TO REBLOG THIS. IF IT BREAKS CONTAINMENT THATS UR FAULT.#i unfortunately suffer from the disease of 'i hate everything i write the day after i write it' BUT IM GETTING TREATED#I WILL NOT BE HAUNTED BY THIS WEAKNESS FOREVER. AND HEY LOOK THIS IS THE FIRST ACTUAL FIC BIT IVE EVER FINISHED..#ITS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF!! AND BY JOBE I WILL BE PROUD EVEN IF I HATE IT.#i dont always need to be the one who likes my art bc i know Someone out there will always enjoy it.#and to that someone i say: omg thankyou i LOOOOVEE YOUUUUUU!!!!!#JUST DELETED A WHOLE RAMBLE I JUST HAD ABT NERVOUS DISCLAIMERS FOR MY ART BUT I DONT NEED EM!!#GET CONFIDENT GET CONFIDENT GET CONFIDENT. ANYWAY. so emizel and soda huh#THEYRE SO CUTE TOGEEHTERRRR TEEHEHEHEHEEEE they are the homies that kiss eachother goodnight like CMON#but uhh so hey your bestest friend in da world just got turned into a freaky creature thing that eats ppl#ieah yknowthe guy that u care about alot that u had to watch get bled out by another freaky creature thing in an alleyway#yeaaah and you were super hurt and weak and stupid and u couldnt do jack nor shit to help him#what was i talking about again. RIGHT so hes even cooler now bc he cant die n hes super strong n his arms can be knives. sometimes.#but also he can eat people now. and sometimes he cant stop himself from eating people. and thats kinda scary. but in a cool way.#but also in a disturbing way. but also in an interesting way?but also in a freaky way.the feelings ARE MIXED!!!ATLEAST I THINK THEY WOULD B#okay again i havnt listened to the suckening ina bit. so its been a minute since i absorbed their personalities. i could be misreading or#misremembering or misconstruing or mischaracterizing or WHATEVER. i think the confusion carries its intended effect#LOSING MY TRAIN O THOUGHT. anyway i love soda n emizel i hope they get locked in a saw trap together or somethign. for enrichment.#TALOS GRANT ME THE STRENGHT TO POST MY CREATIONS ON LINE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGHHH!!!!!!!
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#finished mid season#and its like#they really are pairing off everyone huh#bUT LIKE OK#fIRESKY????#im still like#suprised how wholesomely sweet they are#ryan and karina are also very good?#he took her to go see her friends....he apologized....he called her the best hero.....whu...hime......#the other ones tho.....hmmmm....#like i guess bison origami is ok#the shirtless scene did a LOT of the heavy lifting#kid kat is cute but also makes me feel like im watching tiny tots or something#black and white tho.....#i.....i dont care 😔#its like if tiger and bunny where more annoying and had NO sauce#i think they have some fun moments with the rest of the cast but#i think because they didnt get a proper intro focus theyre misisng build up#ryan got the movie and its fun watching him switch partners and also interact with barnaby without the tnb break up#hmmmm idk#tiger if he didnt have emotional intelligence and bunny if he didnt have his stage persona#also like#in the end t&b 2.0 have to have to same character arch beats#black has to take a hit for white to trust him#white has to have a moment where he loses hope and get proven wrong#blah blah blaj#whatever small moments they have reconciling and getting along wILL NEVER BE mid season 1 dinner party where bunny keeps glancing at tiger#and follows him outside so they can talk about their dreams under the stars and street lights#and bunny gives tiger a smile when he finds out what tigers biggest wish is......#😑 anyways i need to draw barnaby in love again excuse me
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#spinaraki#spinneraki#shigaraki tomura#shuichi iguchi#mha spinner#mha fanart#art#i was halfway through it when i realized id post it on valentines day and i think thats a funny coincidence#anyways this gives me the same vibe as my mafia au? like it didnt a different style but the stylization of the clothes and bg are similar#anyways either an au where theyre put into a position where they have to dance OR#redestro hosts a party/dance because??? idk shmoozing reasons and shigaraki convinces spinner to dance and#yes everyone is looking at them but once spinner starts to get comfortable and out of his head shigaraki dips spinner cue cliche moment of#oh shit am I??? catching feelings???#anyways. do i even seriously ship a ship if i havent drawn them dancing at least once?!?!??#just... Shigaraki looking softly at spinner and spinner being surprised with a little blush someone else share this vision with me#lisTEN shigaraki being kind of smirky like bet u didnt think I'd do that huh and seeing spinner with a bit of a blush and slowly losing the#smirk and realizing oh shit maybe i like spinner as more than friends and toga in the background taking pictures for posterity#havent writen a fic in years but damn if i thought i had half of a chance of not making them ooc I'd do it#just two bros. on the dance floor. dancing. haha no feelings here
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#heartfelt thank you for everyone who bared with me these past two weeks and kindly did not unfollow through my bad vibes posts#i clearly underestimated how much cutting carbs would effect me mentally while at the same time pmsing#im over the hump now as ive felt a million times better mentally and physically the past couple days!#love you guys so much#sappy time over#btw im not dieting to lose weight i actually love my weight#i noticed that it was getting really hard for me to move around#i have cerebral palsy so its ALWAYS hard to move around but the past few months i had felt like i was physically 90 years old#so i did some research and found that it could be inflammation in the body#and a good way to curb that is lowering your carb intake#which id devastating bc carbs make the world go round#but its worked. while i was mentally and moody the first 2 weeks- my body hasnt felt this great and mobile in a few years#lots of things to say here huh
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Okay small rant time !!!!
#im literally losing my god damn mind#i went to get gas#and im pretty sure they have a card skimmer#it asked me for me pin twice and looked weird and inwas like huh#thats really weird#but was like eh whatever and then like 10 minutes later#i start getting attempted charges to my card for 175 dollars from the gas station#this is a gas station ive been using for a very long time and they never have beenna gas station to do holds on your card before#and also my actual gas purchase went through normally !#anyway i was already gone from the gas station at this point (and the inside would have been closed before i could get back anyway)#so i was like okay first im going to post to the group to warn people not to go there rn#then contact the appropriate people#so anyway i posted to the facebook group and it somehow seems like ive done something wrong !!#everyone is so angry!!#literally being like well did you try to fucking remove the device#and why arent you on the phone with the police RIGHT NOW#telling me that its probably juat a hold#and telling me not to say bad things about a business#when literally all i said was you might want to avoid going to this gas station right now because i think they have a skimmer#and stated exactly what happened to me to make me feel that way#anyway ive literally had to edit my post 5 times because people keep getting mad about different things#im so done !!!#never again !!!
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does anyone else ever get certain phrases stuck in their head for no reason. i dont mean like catchphrases or quotes btw i mean like original writing
#theres a few phrases lately that ive been typing out and then having to change to something else because i keep repeating it so much 😭#and like i dont show my writing to many ppl so like i know its not the biggest deal in the world but its still just like. idk.#some of my thiughts are very important to me and i cannot let them lose their potency even if i like the concepts that it touches.#i need to elaborate on it. show it in a different light. use different phrasings. get into the specifics. like.#as much as i like certain lines i cant rely on them. does that make any sense... idk. im probably overthinking this considering that i dont#rlly have like any big major projects with an actual tangible endgoal rn but it makes me worry for no reason anyway 💀#WHATEVER. i have sentences i like to repeat somethings thats all i had to say rlly#also wow its pretty late huh i should sleep or something#anis gaymer moments
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love waking up to my mom giving me an ultimatum and ordering that i have to give up my (admittedly expensive) apartment 1n 2 weeks and move back home for good. i had stuff to do today but i guess being gripped by dread and anxiety works too
#i had been thinking about moving to a smaller one too. but now she's ordering me to do that#and expects me to move back home#when my university and all of my two friends are in the city.#and i have TWO WEEKS to live here if she wants me to move before summer because i have to go back home anyway in early may#for my summer job.#like sure i wouldve understood like a hey. my child. your financial situation is oretty tough so i have some suggestions that could help#but she was like okay here's whay you do: option a) [something i couldnt do before fall] b) find a cheaper apartment and live in two weeks#c) move home for good and commute over an hour any day you have university stuff to do and also essentially lose access to your#friends and all and any independence you have managed to cobble together so i can treat you like a child and yeall at you#the last part wasnt included but it's what she does anyways so i assume it's part of the deal#then i would have to commute or drive an hour any time i wanted to see either of my friends. after every summer im already#tired and desperate to come back to my apartment to get to be on my own. and now she's saying i have to never do that again#and here's the fuckin thing. her husband is planning on fixing my car. my mom pays my phone bill. i know what a loser i am whatever.#she actually owns my dogs and my childhood home. i cannot. piss her ofd too much. because then i'll lose all of those#phone. whatever i can get a new one. car. slightly more heartbrwakin but like i still own it. but the house?#my dogs?? i think i would rather die atm if im being honest#so what the fuck am i supposed to do. huh.#maybe i should just walk into the sea foe good i feel like that would just so neatly solve all of my problems
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Went into very quick researching mode and I can find nothing that talks about getting bit by a spider giving you Parosmia but I'm positive that is what happened. I was in the hospital after recovering from. Nearly dying when I had my first reaction of smelling food from the hospital to eat- particularly meat- and it smelled of rot. So I vomited. It comes and goes from time to time but im finding nothing talking about any link to that so this is FASCINATING me
#read frustrated for fascinated#I CAN FIND NOTHING#BUT THAT IS WHAT MADE ME START EXPERIENCING IT#emeto cw#could it have been the bags of blood i had to get to replace all of the blood i was losing????#I DONT. KNOW!#HUH!
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my 2 favorite tops dont fit me anymore i think i might cry
#shut up sender#gonna talk about weight and stuff in the tags so this is your warning#ive been gaining weight on T and like body image wise it's been fucking with me but the clothes thing is making me lose it#dude i cant just buy 2 new 60€ button downs whenever i want#i spent such a long time building up my personal wardrobe and for what. nothing fits me anymore.#im slowly reverting back into the hoodie 24/7 look i had in high school i hate it i hate it i hate it#and like on top of that i also feel guilty for wanting to lose the extra weight#because like to my brain thats obviously just me being a self-hating fat person which is worse than killing puppies#im supposed to be more confident than that. i get good grades in therapy why cant i be doing great about myself all the time.#but noooo sender always has to be sad about something. look at this guy. nothings ever good enough for it.#so yeah that might have something to do with why ive been feeling like shit lately huh
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August… time to get spooky.
#dadbots.txt#this has been in my draft for... almost a month. Yikes.#I’ve been dissociating hella hard these past months or something. swear I don’t remember time moving this fast. maybe it’s just me tbh.#idk what to say about July other than… boring? not much happened and I don’t really remember it if I’m honest. just. mm. shrugs.#best way to describe it LOL#been sleeping a LOT lately and I think it’s fatigue again. was it like anything before? no. not at that rate (yet) but just.#where you wanna sleep and sleep and sleep type of fatigue. you never feel rested and just gotta sleep it off kinda.#just one of those moments yknow.#it sucks. all I’m doing is letting the days pass me by and ‘missing out’ on living life when I could be enjoying it. but I lost interest -#- in doing so for months - years now due to personal health matters. And whaddya know - it came back again. after months of healing.#I'm pretty pissed as it does feel like a slap in the face. but you win some - you lose some. Gonna try and fight through it.#I wrote something at the beginning of august but that got deleted. Had a breakdown and thought huh. what a great way to start the month -#and now it's almost september. Just like that. What a month it's been. Stuck on what else to say but that really.#don't want to keep talking about depressing stuff as that's what i used to do and realized hey. maybe you should stop doing that so often#and not use it so casually in humor and/or stuff. Even though I reblog vents here n' all. but yknow.#maybe it is hypocritical. but that's not the point. Just want to reflect and see if i've changed since coming back to the web after a year.#not like it's going bad. just wished this year was a bit more optimistic. Last year was rough & i'm afraid this year will be another repeat#though I did come out to a family member this month and that was like a punch to the gut. Considering my status with them and all.#won't get into that. for now let's just say i'm not too close with them. An impulsive choice on my end but hey. it went well.#and that's what matters tbh. My younger self would've thought i was actually insane. like to even DO that? really?#shocking. I'm still not over that moment. Probably one of my biggest achievements this year.#I'll update this if anything else comes to mind. none of this make sense and that's ok. clearing my mind right now.#let's see what september has in store for me. Hopefully it'll get better as things slow down w/ winter on its way.#hope y'all enjoyed your summer. 🖤🤘🏽
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Thank you to all my friends, like my close friends like people I talk to, ever, who are not abandoning me right now, despite my behavior. I have a personality disorder, I have complex PTSD, I have OSDD, in addition to the average depression + anxiety combo. I'm like trying not to Blame my mental illnesses here but hey man this is the shit I have that gives me big fucking problems. I can't control it all the time. If I could behave better or more normally or whatever then I would.
I don't tend to keep friends for very long because of these things... So the friends I do have are very tolerant and willing to put up with my shit, for some reason. I have been crying all night trying to thank everyone who is still okay with me because sometimes things you think are going to last forever Don't. Not even, like, 15 years of friendship. I just want anyone and everyone who fucking appreciates me to know that I do before it's too late. I will fuck up really really bad one day! One day it will be too much. I won't be able to see it.
I haven't cried at all about my friend, ex-friend, idk, at all, about his "goodbye" message. It feels fucking fake, this feels completely not real ... probably never will even if there's 15+ years of silence, if we never speak again for the rest of our lives. I cannot believe myself here lol I'm so insanely mad at myself I didn't know I was fucking up so severely when I first said anything. Who the fuck needs that, why did I say it like that, who fucking cares, no Shit I fucked up!!!! But I'm not the only one!!!!! And I cannot be mad At You I can be mad but if it's At You it's unacceptable, I'm saying something wrong (incorrectly) if I am. I get patronized and spoken to like I'm a fucking kid who's making a scene in public. And then you go ahead and make a public fucking scene !!!!! Leaving the group chat and blocking me as if that doesn't fucking effect everyone in the group. Literally are you fucking stupid what the fuck are you trying to accomplish with that other than creating some Huge Fucking Deal !!!!!
Listen I'm just bitching to Nothingness because I assume I'm not being watched here. But tiger I swear to god if you're looking at all my shit you need to tell me. You're not my fucking father you don't need to fucking stalk me just say that you saw this. I will be mad. People need to be mad at you sometimes.
#everything is so. fucking. STUPID#“i can take criticism” but you have to word it so so carefully or ill blow this friend group to pieces#if you “don't mind when” im mad but you mind “when its directed at [me]” . you do mind when im mad in any capacity asshole say what you mean#do you like my big huge post about drama thats not on tumblr? huh huh do ya#its STPD thats the PD by the way i gotta say its not The Abandonment thats my issue here its the fact that .#i don't have very many friends especially friends ive had for 15 years and now im losing one at its 100% my fault#insanely mad at myself. insanely mad at tiger for this reaction too. welcome to the grey area we both fucked up#can you please listen. can you okease listen when people are trying to get through to you. before we fucking blow up about it#before everything is Their faultm before everything is My fault.
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Still thinking about the Rednecks (frozen Red, S!3v3n and Glitchy Red).... some random thoughts.... Namely, I don't think the original pokepastas are scary.
I mean, sure: a game directly interacting with you can be a scary concept. But considering how much the concept of 'the game is self-aware and knows about you' has been done the last decade, it isn't as impactful as 10 years ago or so. Add the trope of 'child-friendly media is actually not so friendly' because many kids like getting scared to some extent (as long as things ends nicely☝).
Anyway, my point is that I don't think these three are that scary (ok S!3v3n strangling his brother as revenge when it wasn't Mike's fault is kinda insane). Perhaps eerie within their own contexts but I always thought they were rather tragic characters.
One died slowly & unknowingly killing him and his Pokéteam after waiting atop of a freezing mountain by himself for years. His decaying body, mutilated by frostbite, probably forever frozen in time due to the low temperatures (<- assuming it's similar to Mt Everest)
The other one is a sentient glitch that can feel every bit of pain the players put him through, vengeful and holding a tranquil fury inside of him. Whose existence is deemed as a mistake—being left to rot inside a glitched cartridge and forgotten by the world (“Am I joke to you?”). It's no wonder he eventually snaps during the story.
The last one, a guy filled with such deep, wrongly-processed grief and loss after an accident that costed the life of his most beloved friend. Seeking the power of IT to bring her back, he becomes a remorseless shell that will do anything to bring her back—or avenge her death. Losing much of his humanity on the way as he seeks that power. Which doomed his brother (in his eyes, the one that killed his friend) once he obtained it.
And like, I'm aware that's the point of most creepypastas: stories rarely end well. But I still think it's rather saddening, what these characters became due after tragedy strikes them. 'It's unfair' could be said, as childish as that thought is.
Anyway thanks for coming to me TED talk ✨
#im not being like ''oooh im so brave i dont find them scary🤨' I SWEAR AKJSDFKDS'#i get scared easily. even as a kid. so its not that i promise SDKLFDLSD#this is not a well thought post btw its just me saying whatever the hell crosses my mind AHAHSDFGJ#so dont expect like. a Smart analysis#this is also probably not an Original thought either AHAHAHDSFJ#but yknow. my two cents & such#also admittedly these pokepastas are kinda Edgy(tm) DSKLFJDK reading them years later when you're older-it loses that Scary Unknown factor#specially Glitchy Red's. like.... idk I always thought his pokepasta was the saddest. even as a kid#bc the others had choice in some way. within their own stories#but he had no choice. he truly was Doomed by the Narrative huh#man dot png#yomiel speaks
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