#they got medication 2 weeks after they started feeling anxious

[sirfrogsworth]

Mounjaro's Revenge: The Inevitable Adventures of Froggie, Chapter Unknown

I keep saying I can't leave the house without having some kind of adventure. And I really thought I was going to have a quick, uneventful doctor's visit with my monthly checkup this past Wednesday. I'd go in, they'd check the box Medicare requires every month, and I'd come straight home.

But adventure seeks me out. I can't seem to escape its grasp. And, yes, sometimes I like having adventures. They give me something to write about. And sometimes they are fun memories. But sometimes adventures just make me tired. And not all adventures are positive.

For the past 3 weeks I have been on the second dosage amount of Mounjaro. Unlike the Ozempic, I have had a few issues with side effects. Roughly 48 hours after my injection, I get sick to my stomach and feel pukey. It lasts for about two hours. I either vomit and lose the urge or I hold it in and it fades. I am then compelled to take a nap.

Considering the weight loss and glucose control, getting sick for an hour or two per week isn't a huge deal. There is a good chance I will get used to the medication as time goes on, but even if I don't, I am okay with this consequence.

My injection day was Tuesday, and based on past experience, I figured I'd have until Thursday morning before I got sick. The past 2 episodes happened at almost identical times, so I figured Wednesday wouldn't be a problem.

But right before my doctor's appointment I started feeling extremely... rough.

Optimistic for no good reason, I was hopeful I could get through the appointment before the urge to vomit arrived.

I get to the office and there are 3 patients ahead of me. This was not a good sign. My doctor tends to overbook and I was probably going to have a bit of a wait. I arrived in the middle of a lively conversation about where to get a good steak in St. Louis. I'm used to waiting rooms being full of quiet and bored people staring at their phones so when I opened the door it felt like the conversation smacked me in the face.

The cast of characters were as follows...

There was an older black man who had the spirit of a kindly grandpa. He seemed nice and wise and was enjoying the steak conversation. Let's call him, Old Guy.

There was an older white fellow who was anxious about the wait time due to having another appointment soon. He was on hold with the other doctor's office trying to delay his appointment time. He was only mildly interested in steak due to that distraction. I already used Old Guy, so... Anxious Guy.

And then there was the steak expert who was leading the conversation. Actually, leading is not strong enough. He was *dominating* the conversation. As I sat down and his visage entered my field of view, I was a bit taken aback.

Do you know how in Star Trek everyone has a mirror universe doppelganger who may look the same, but they usually have personality traits that are reversed?

They are often identified by arch overacting or a change in facial hair.

The steak expert was my mirror universe counterpart. He was of similar age, height, and weight. Same color hair and eyes. He even wore similar clothing.

But he had a goatee instead of a beard. *gasp*

And he wore... sandals. *double gasp*

He had clearly been in a recent transporter mishap.

I mean, I could *never* wear sandals. The world is not ready to handle my nude foot and I find very few sandals have the load-bearing capacity necessary for people my size. You are asking for foot pain if you are over 300 pounds and wearing sandals.

Mirror Froggie was very outgoing and personable, but he had trouble filtering what he said and was often obliviously rude. He clearly thought himself to be hilarious but struggled to make even kindly Old Guy chuckle.

Old Guy said, "I think Longhorn makes a decent steak for the money."

And then Mirror Me's unfiltered response... "Longhorn is shit. You shouldn't eat there. You are wasting your money on shit steak."

"I don't know, I've always enjoyed..."

"I'm telling you, friend, it is shit steak. End of story."

You could tell that made Old Guy feel bad for suggesting what he liked. But he brushed it off and asked for a better suggestion. Mirror Froggie confidently told him of a restaurant called "Sam's" that had "the best steak in town."

Old Guy proceeded to ask Siri to look up Sam's and it took a few tries. He reminded me of my dad fighting with the iPhone and repeating things over and over with increasing volume. I think Old Guy wasn't specific enough as he got the wholesale club on the first few attempts. Finally he said, "SAMMM'S STEAKHOUSSSSE" and found success. Old Guy saw the reviews and some of them were... not great.

But Mirror Froggie was like, "You can't read reviews. They're all liars." And I was questioning why people would take the time to lie about a small St. Louis steakhouse, but whatever. He then said it was because the restaurant was in disrepair and needed new plumbing, but that's why they could sell such amazing steak at reasonable prices.

Theories are less logical in the Mirror Universe. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anxious Guy got off his phone call and cursed into the void. He missed his other appointment. He interjected with, "Is that Sam's place expensive?" And that sent Mirror Froggie into a long diatribe about the price of meat at different places and his annoyance at steak-related inflation. Soon after, Anxious Guy finally got in to see the doctor. Old Guy was keeping Mirror Froggie busy with conversation, so I just closed my eyes and rested as they discussed the price of oversized shrimp "as big as your fist". I guess they ran out of things to say about steak.

As they were talking I started to get a spidey-sense about Mirror Froggie.

He *needed* conversation.

He *needed* distraction.

His boredom abhors a vacuum.

Whenever there was a lull or silent moment, I could see him getting very antsy. And if Old Guy got called in before Mirror Froggie... I was going to have a problem.

I was feeling sicker by the moment and did not have the bandwidth to help some stranger with his inability to accept boredom.

And... Old Guy was next.

Because, of course he was.

I feel like sitting there with my eyes closed and also not having said a word the entire time was a pretty decent social cue that I was not interested in talking. But Mirror Me decided to poke that notion with a stick in order to find a way in.

He speaks barely above a whisper, "I wish I could sleep in a public waiting room. Not sure how you do that."

"Yeah, I'm not feeling well. Nothing contagious, just very tired."

"Well, if you're sick, I guess you're in the right place, am I right? *long pause* Cuz we're next to a hospital. *short pause* Right?"

Oh great, he's a joke explainer.

Mirror Froggie did not care about my desire to sit in peace while I waited. His foot was anxiously a-tappin' and he was vibrating with energy that needed someplace to go. He tried standing up and walking in circles. And I guess because my eyes were shut he decided to narrate his walking and stretching to keep me informed. That satisfied him for roughly 20 seconds. He sat back down and was clearly struggling to be alone with his own thoughts.

"Hey, friend."

I open my eyes slowly.

"Do you see that magazine next to you? Would you mind handing that to me?"

I thought, "This is good. He's seeking out an alternate source of stimulation. He can read the magazine and I can rest until my turn."

Seriously, brain... where is this optimism coming from? I've been a cynical misanthrope for like 4 years now.

He flips through a few pages. "Look at this. It's got Oprah on the cover. It's got to be good, right? They don't put Oprah on the cover unless it is good, ya know? Though she doesn't look right after losing all that weight. You know what I mean, friend?"

Well, shit.

I didn't give him a distraction, I gave him a conversation starter. Still, I kept my eyes closed in the hopes he would give up.

"Hey, friend."

Crap.

"You want to hear a joke?"

I open my eyes. I'm not getting out of this.

"Sure." as unenthusiastically as I can manage.

He proceeds to tell three jokes all strung together. All of them terrible and none of them coherent enough for me to remember. I gave him complimentary singular chuckles even though two of the punchlines didn't make sense. I think one was about accidentally eating cat food.

"Hey, friend... how'd you like my jokes?"

I jokingly replied back, "Well, you said *a* joke and that was *three* jokes. That wasn't what I agreed to."

He chuckles and I close my eyes again.

"Hey, friend."

Jesus Christ, would someone jingle their keys for this dude?

"Do you want to hear a 'locker room' joke?"

Oh fuck me.

"I... guess?"

There was no way out of this aside from unpleasant confrontation and my energy calculation of that was much higher than just suffering through a dirty joke.

Here it is, as best as I can remember...

"So there is a pirate ship. And the captain has a beautiful daughter who has come aboard. He tells her that the crew hasn't seen a woman in a long time and they aren't safe to be around, so she should keep a razor blade 'down there.' After the voyage he assembles all of his men and instructs them to pull down their pants. Every one of them has had their dick cut off... except for one. The captain goes up to the only one with their dick intact and says, 'Thank you for not deflowering my only daughter. You should be commended for your restraint. And as a reward, I will make you my first mate.'"

I literally cannot type the punchline because it was an unintelligible noise. Basically, Mirror Froggie imitated someone without a tongue trying to speak.

Yeah. That happened.

I could not hide my disdain for this joke and I was feeling too awful to muster up any kind of response. He seemed confused by the absence of laughter from his wonderful rapey body mutilation joke.

"You get it, friend? He lost his tongue because he ate her pussy."

Yes, explaining the joke always helps... friend.

In whatever the opposite of the nick of time is, moments after this stranger said "ate her pussy"... the nurse calls Mirror Froggie in for his appointment.

I would feel relieved, but the Mounjaro side effects were getting worse and the urge to lose the remaining nutritional value from last night's dinner was increasing by the moment. I was next in line, so I was hoping Mirror Froggie didn't take up too much of the doctor's time with horrible "locker room" jokes and dubious steakhouse suggestions.

Roughly 5 minutes later the nurse calls me in to get my vitals. She weighs me and I am down another 3 pounds. That reminded me of why I was suffering this tummy tantrum. My blood pressure was perfect but my pulse was quite high. I was very anxious holding in my stomach contents and I tried to explain, but she asked me to try and relax to lower my heart rate. We compromised when I got it down to 107.

The nurse keeps forgetting that I don't really have a family anymore. And I know she has a lot of patients in and out and they probably all blend together. But she always ends up asking me questions that require me to remind her my parents are dead.

"Did your mom put up the Christmas tree yet?"

I went with, "No tree this year. Too much work."

"Aw, that's too bad. I actually got mine up early this year. You gotta put up a tree for Christmas."

Thankfully her job was done at this point and she abruptly ended the conversation.

Next up, the pee guy.

He has never actually told me what his name is so that is just what I call him in my head.

Every month I have to sacrifice my urine to the gods of Medicare so they know I am taking my meds and not selling them on the mean streets of Spanish Lake. And the pee guy always comes in to collect my sample. The little cup is kept in a white paper bag for discretion. He used to just give you a clear ziplock, and that was a little embarrassing, as everyone in the waiting room could see your pee. I definitely prefer the new white paper bag system.

It could be my lunch or some cookies or a bunch of peanuts.

Who is to know?

The pee guy is a bit of a talker as well. But the nice thing about his conversational style is that you can't get in a word edgewise. If he asks you a question, he'll even answer it for you. This requires very little effort on my part.

"Hey there, Mr. Benjermin!"

(I have noticed Ben-jer-min is a common pronunciation among Black folks in the area. Not sure if that is just a St. Louis thing or not. Perhaps I have a dialectologist follower who knows.)

I wave hello.

"How's it going, Mr. Benjermin!? Good? Good. Just gotta get your sample. Still taking the same meds? (I nod yes.) Okay, just need you to sign here. New Year's is coming up. Gotta be careful not to party too hard. You'll be regretting that. Though you don't look like a drinker to me. (I nod no.) Yeah, you're a good one. You keep it clean. Okay then, Mr. Benjermin. You're all set. Here is your new sample cup for next time."

He replaces my white paper bag with a new white paper bag and leaves the room without me saying a word. And I'm just realizing he asks me if I am a drinker quite a lot. He must sense my teetotaler spirit or something because he always assumes (correctly) that I don't drink. He's just really concerned about me partying too hard.

Finally the doctor comes in.

My doctor is kind, compassionate, and competent. The almost 3 Cs. But he's got a touch of what I call "Boomer-itis." He's on the progressive side of most things but there are a few ingrained sensibilities from that generation he didn't escape. It's mostly harmless. Though he said something sexist in front of a nurse practitioner student during my last visit that made her roll her eyes behind him.

He greets me and I tell him I'm not feeling well from the Mounjaro and that I am still recovering from my trip to Florida. He tells me that a lot of people can get sick for days from these new drugs, so getting sick for an hour or two isn't so bad. I agree, though I really wish I had not gotten sick at the exact time of this appointment. I keep eyeballing the trash can in the corner just in case things go sideways in my tummy.

He asks about my trip to Florida and I predicted that—as I already had photos ready to go on my phone. I scroll through them, showing off amazing cityscapes and mountainous clouds and an orange sunset over a lake—hoping to impress him with my photography skills to no avail. And then he sees Katrina. Now, I am not blind to her attractiveness, but I do sometimes forget how people respond when they see her next to me.

"Oh, wow. She's beautiful!" he exclaims.

I almost felt flattered on her behalf. But then his Boomer-itis starts to kick in. And he repeats, "Yeah, she's *really* beautiful. Just a friend, you said?" His facial expression and tone of voice are like, "You poor thing, you have been friendzone'd." And probably a touch of, "She's out of your league, buddy." I don't know exactly how to describe it, but it is this familiar look of pity and worry. This is usually followed up with a probing question trying to figure out what our "deal" is. Why is it so odd to that generation that a man and woman can earnestly be just friends and perfectly content with that arrangement?

It would be the easiest thing in the world to just say, "She's gay" and that she isn't "out of my league" as she plays an entirely different sport. (Competitive Subaru Ownership?) But my friendship with Katrina is not some consolation prize due to her queerness. I shouldn't have to explain or justify why I'm "just friends" or why I'm not "being led on."

In a worried tone, "So, umm, how'd you two meet?"

There it is.

"She is an artist. I posted some of her work on my website and it was very popular and helped people find her work. She messaged me to say thank you and we were instant friends. 10 years later she's my best friend and very much like family."

Thankfully his pity face evaporated and he finally saw how long-lasting and meaningful this friendship was. But it is a weirdly common obstacle I have noticed whenever people see a fat guy has a conventionally attractive friend.

Friends are great. Friends have been more supportive and beneficial to me than any romantic entanglement I've ever had.

All of my friends are hot and queer and that's awesome.

Note to self: Put that on a t-shirt.

Knowing how difficult it was, he congratulated me on surviving the trip and we wrapped up our appointment quickly. All I have left to do is check in with his assistant, get my prescriptions sent in, and make my next appointment. I can see the finish line, but my tummy is rumbling and I am making contingency plans for the Great Upchuck of 2023™. I'm clocking trashcans with plastic liners. I'm trying to remember where the nearest restroom is. And then I look down at the little white paper bag containing my urine sample cup and think, "Last resort."

Trinica (the competence ninja and my favorite person in the office) is processing my meds and searching the calendar for next month's visit. Shelly is keeping quiet and working on her computer. I start pacing back and forth. I'm not sure what I think that will do, but I think desperation is taking over at this point.

Shelly sees me and asks, "How's that whole disability situation going for you?" She is acting like my best friend now after cursing at me on the phone. I have a feeling she had an unpleasant conversation with my doctor after that episode because she isn't this sweet and nice to anyone.

I give her the update, "Everything is submitted. My lawyer is happy with all of the records we were able to find. It's just a waiting game now. It could be a couple of months but if I have to see a judge it could be over a year."

She commiserates with me about how slow the process can be.

Then, out of fucking nowhere, Mirror Froggie reappears in the little sliding reception window like a jumpscare in a horror movie.

Are you fucking kidding me with this guy?

"Hey Trinica, do you have a business card for the doctor? I want to recommend him to Doug."

Who the fuck is Doug? Are we supposed to know Doug? Is Doug the tongueless pussy-eating pirate who needs medical attention?

Trinica looks in her desk and is unable to find a spare card. So she stops processing my stuff and starts hunting around the office. She has a bad leg so she is slowly limping while searching every desk. I have never wanted to strangle anyone before, but my doppeldouche was really pushing his luck.

At this point I am just staring at the little trash can in the blood-draw room. I can feel the scrambled eggs reversing course through my digestive system.

Trinica finds a fucking card for fucking Doug and fucking Mirror Froggie finally fucks off to bother people that are not me.

Trinica gets me all sorted, I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, and make to the car.

I sit in the driver's seat, and with that unearned optimism, say to myself, "I made it."

For all of you who are squeamish about bodily fluids, you can just pretend this is where the story ends. Everything was fine. I made it home and was happy and comfortable and nothing gross happened. The nausea faded away and I lived happily ever after.

The End.

Thank you for reading this and have a lovely day.

Just scroll on by to the next post!

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.

.

Okay, so you all probably thought I was foreshadowing a monumental barf.

But foreshadowing is typically subtle. You don't want to give away the ending. Of course this was going to end in barf. The barfing was inevitable. The barf was not what I was *actually* foreshadowing at all.

Did anyone catch what it was?

You know that discrete white paper bag?

The one that could be for peanuts or maybe a sammich and definitely not my urine sample cup?

The last resort?

Look, it's all I had.

I was not going to make it home. I was not going to make it back into the bathroom. No trash bins on the horizon. Nothing in my car.

At first it was just an itty bitty baby barf. A perfect amount to be contained in a flimsy paper bag. I felt a relief wash over me.

"That's all?" still being stupidly optimistic.

But then I made that noise.

That... pre-retch noise.

That one where your head kinda juts forward and your lips make a giant O shape and you make a very specific grunting sound. That sound where if another person hears it, they involuntarily make the same specific grunting sound.

This was when I had one of those movie moments when a character knows they are about to die and they can't do anything about it. And I made this exact face as I waited for the impending doom of a vomitous explosion.

The Great Upchuck of 2023™ commenced.

And it was... intense.

Everything inside my stomach transferred rapidly, furiously, projectile-ly into the bag of foreshadowing.

I mean, I'm pretty much convinced my stomach is a TARDIS because I do not remember ingesting that much food. This sheer volume of barf had to be coming from another dimensional plane.

I could see it staining the sides of the bag as it was clearly not meant for this. When I finished it was barely intact—soggy, if you will. When I was absolutely sure I had ralph'd to completion, my only option was to gently place it on the passenger's side floor (sans floor mats). All I needed was for it to last 5 more minutes on the trip home and then I could dispose of it and pretend this never happened.

Physically I felt such a relief. Sometimes there is this post-puke euphoria where you just feel, well... lighter. Unburdened with no longer having that feeling. Happy it is over with.

I place the key in the ignition and head for home. As I'm driving I can't help but stare at the bag. I can see it mocking me as it changes colors. The exterior was getting... damp. If this were someone else's vomit, I would have been vomiting because of it. Just... so gross.

I get home and park the car. I walk around to the passenger side to begin the extraction process. I pull the trash can close and I have to psych myself up to deal with this horrible hurling happenstance.

And this next part, well... it would be hilarious if it weren't so damned disgusting.

I stare at the bag.

The bag stares back at me.

I take a deep breath and approach the bag.

The bag grins at me.

I gingerly grasp the very tippy-top in an effort to not touch any of the offending material.

I slowly lift up the bag.

And the very instant it reaches just enough height to do the most damage...

The bottom falls out.

If the bag had broken just as I was picking it up, the carnage would have been minimal. Only a small area to clean up. But clearly this bag read the Wikipedia page on air burst nuclear weapons. It knew you get a much more devastating blast radius if you detonate from an elevated position.

A TARDIS worth of partially digested scrambled eggs just pour and splatter and spray onto the floor of my car. It looked like the bag was puking out my puke.

The bag is now dead but I can feel its ghost laughing at me.

I stand there frozen holding the top of this evil deceased white paper bag trying and failing to process what just happened.

I realize I have no idea what to do with this situation. This is something that would usually be followed with, "MOoooOOOoooommmmm! How do I clean up vomit?"

And she would say, "You'll never do it right. I'll clean it up."

And I'd pretend to be like, "Oh no, it's my mess. I could never let you do that for me."

And she'd insist and break out her endless supply of very specific cleaning potions and magics and soon it would be as if the vomit didn't even exist.

So, I guess my question is... do I have to get my car detailed now?

The Actual End.

[jackharloww]

Coming home

Summary: The one where baby Nathaniel comes home

Today was mothers day and you and Jack had just left home to go to the hospital. Jack and Grace fixed breakfast for you this morning, and Maggie came by as well so Grace could stay with her today. The doctor called yesterday and told you that she wanted to speak to you and Jack today. You got anxious until she told you it wasn't anything to worry about.

"Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Harlow" The doctor greeted you as soon as you walked into the hospital room where Nathaniel was.

"Good morning" Jack answered her as you gave her a smile. You quickly walked over to him and saw that he was awake.

"Hi my sweet baby" you cooed and very gently picked him up, giving him kisses all over. Nathaniel stared at you with his beautiful big ocean blue eyes.

Jack walked up to you and stood over your head, bringing his finger up to Nathaniel's face to stroke his cheek, making him coo up to you, receiving giggles from you and Jack.

"So, the reason why I asked the both of you to come today is because I have very good news," The doctor said with a big smile, "Nathaniel has made significant progress, he is such a strong boy and we feel that he is now stable and healthy enough to go home"

As soon as she said those words, your heart started beating rapidly and your eyes got watery. You looked up at Jack and saw that he also had tears in his eyes. He leaned down and kissed you on top of the head as he held you tight.

"Are you sure" you finally asked, receiving happy nods from the doctor.

"Yes, We will of course schedule follow-up appointments, and you will have to do the necessary care at home, but Nathaniel is finally ready to go home"

"Thank you so much," Jack said as he leaned down to kiss Nathaniel's head.

"Before you leave, I just need to take final tests on Nathaniel, and my colleague will come in here and provide you with detailed instructions on how to care for his ongoing medical needs you need to think of at home, including feeding and medication administration" The doctor explained. You gave Nathaniel another kiss before handing him to the doctor. She took Nathaniel and went into another room for an examination, leaving you and Jack alone for a moment. You sat down on a sofa that was in the room.

"Why am I nervous" you whispered to Jack, making him grab your hand to ease your nerves.

"I don't know, but I'm nervous too" he admitted with a chuckle. You put your head on his shoulder, closing your eyes momentarily as Jack typed something into his phone. He ensured that your eyes were close before continuing to type.

What you didn't know was that Jack had just texted his mom and Emily letting them know that Nathaniel was coming home today. He wanted them to gather his and your family for a small surprise for you and also because they all wanted to meet him.

He put his phone down and put his arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer before kissing you on top of the head.

"I'm so excited" he said, making you look up at him with a smile.

"So am I, I can't wait for Grace and him to bond for real" you answered. You waited for about 20 minutes before a nurse came in to talk to you about instructions on Nathaniel’s medical home care.

After being in the hospital for almost 2 hours you could finally go home. Thankfully Jack had installed Nathaniel’s car seat two weeks ago so you could be ready when this day would come. You couldn’t explain the emotions you were having and as you looked at Jack you could tell he felt the same. Jack carried the car seat with one hand as the other held yours and you walked to the car to go home.

Nathaniel was asleep the whole ride home but woke up once Jack picked him up from his seat, he didn’t cry or anything, he just looked up at his dad making small noises.

“Are you ready?” Jack asked you as you walked to the door. “Let do this” you nodded. As soon as you opened the door you saw all your loved ones with big smiles saying “surprise” loudly. The room was filled with balloons and there was different pastries on the table.

You immediately got tears and looked back at Jack and saw him with a big smile. "Happy mothers day" he said

“Baby brother” Grace screamed and ran to her dad to get a glimpse of her brother.

“Remember Grace, inside voice and gentle hands,” Jack told her before he bent down for her to take a look. She nodded and smiled at him, she touched his hand and Nathaniel grabbed her finger in his hand making her giggle. The others gave Grace her moment with him, greeting you while waiting.

“When did you do this?” You asked Maggie, knowing she had been apart of this.

“Well, Jack texted us when you got the news and told us to surprise you” she smiled. After a few minutes, Jack stood up straight and walked around with Nathaniel, letting everyone see him. They all fell instantly in love with him.

"He looks like Gracie" Emily cooed as she held him in her arms.

"Me?" Gracie raised her eyebrows and ran to sit next to her auntie.

“Grace, do you want to hold him?” You asked her and just as you said that her eyes got wide

“Can I?” She asked with anticipation in her big eyes.

"Of course, sit straight next to Auntie Em," you told her and she did as you said.

"And now put your arm out" You showed her how, and then Emily put Nathaniel in Grace's lap.

"You can put your arms around him" Jack laughed as Grace just had her other hand up in the air, not knowing what to do with it. He walked up to her and helped her.

"Daddy look he smile at me" Grace whispered, taking what her father told her about inside voice very seriously.

“He loves his big sissy” Jack answered her.

"he is heavy" Grace panted out after a few minutes making you laugh, and she dramatically stuck her tongue out. It was Urban's turn to hold him so he grabbed him from Grace's lap and she ran off to play.

You walked to Jack that was in the kitchen and put your arms around him. "Thank you for this" you mumbled before looking up and giving him a kiss.

"I hope it was okay that I told them all to come"

"It was more than okay babe" you answered him before the both of you walked back to the rest of your families. You all had a wonderful time and you were thankful to finally have both your babies at home.

---------------------------------

Baby boy is finally home noooow!!! now I can finally start writing for him and Grace for real, send in requests 🤭🫶🏽

taglist: @harlowsbby , @harlowcomehome , @neon-lights-and-glitter , @middlechild404 , @nattinatalia , @hoodharlow , @heavyhitterheaux , @mortirolo , @itsyagirljaz

[kalcifers-blog]

IRIS FILES - ROBBIE THE ZOMBIE

CW - Physical/Mental Deterioration, Derealization, Rotting Alive, Zombification, Bugs/Insects, Medical Horror

Word Count: 994

Character Count: 4,271

CLASSIFICATION: ALTR 181502

ALTR AGE: 24 YRS OLD

ALTR HEIGHT: 5 “5

ALTR SEX: X

ALTR STATUS: UNSTABLE

ALTR INFO: 18152 contracted an unknown illness after an encounter with ALTR 114209. He was advised to keep track of his symptoms in the form of a journal; IRIS Researchers have secured the journal to track 18152's both physical and mental development.

08/09/2016

“Not been great lately, I've had cold or flu symptoms for the past two weeks, really has been messing with my focus, not great for when I'm trying to study or play as well as I usually can but I've been pushing through it!

I'm still a bit shaken up from that creepy ass guy from last month- it messed with me. I'm glad IRIS is here to help out with my case tho, hopefully they catch the freak. I keep getting all fidgety and anxious whenever I'm out in public. I mean I guess that's normal after something like that but still, doesn't make it easier. I would hang out with friends to make me feel safer but I don't wanna get them sick, hopefully this'll pass

-R”

15/09/2016

“God my head will not stop pounding, I got my headache about 2 days ago, it started off only occasionally but god it just keeps flaring up and more often. My flu hasn't gotten any better. It makes it hard to do anything, I keep getting by, slowly but surely.

-R”

22/09/2016

“Been bed ridden this week- I thought rest would probably help but, every time I sleep I keep dreaming of that guy- I don't remember it fully and it's probably just some weird trauma thing but he keeps.. I don't really know how to describe it? He keeps warping. I don't know its probably just some dream shit”

29/09/2016

“haven't been able to eat properly.. keep feeling this itch on my neck, its not bad just annoying mostly. My phone hurts my eyes. Keep dreaming of creeper.im sure he didn't actually look like that. Sorry for the bad handwriting, I'm so tired nd my hands hurt. Might try sleeping again”

30/09/2016

“woke up and puked, pretty badly too- dreaming of that guy hurts my head”

05/10/2016

“Really should call a doctor I think. I did call IRIS, I'm sure I did, they said they'd send someone over. No one came- my body hurts, everywhere it's just this dull ache. I might try

and shower or something. I don't know what to do at this point- no ones coming I've waited and waited and no one showed. The itching got worse, I don't know what's wrong with me I just need someone to come help”

“Why is no one answering my calls???”

12/10/2016

“Tried to shower, clumps of my hair just- came out. I just cried something is wrong with me I called IRIS again I told them it was urgent and I need help. The creeper answered me. It couldn't have been real- but it made me throw my phone accidentally. It broke and I can't get it to work again. I can't keep going on like this. The itching keeps spreading too- it now feels like things are crawling in my organs. I can't scratch there”

“Threw up again, mostly blood- it was clumpy, I think it was bits of my throat. It hurts my throat to breathe let alone talk”

16/10/2016

“The man in my room can't be here- I didn't let anyone in, he shouldn't be here”

23/10/2016

“I found out why I feel like there things crawling in me. I threw up a dead bug. The itching keeps going. I think I need to leave”

“I left my apartment. The air stung and I felt everyone's eyes on me. I don't care i just need help”

“IRIS won't let me in. Or near anyone.”

30/10/2016

“They're keeping me here. They keep giving me things. They poked IVs in me- the skin just teared away. It hurt so much, it feels good to actually be given medication. It's not kicked in yet but I think it should soon. The nurse gave me a funny look when I described my creep to him. I don't know, I just wanna sleep”

IRIS Supplemental:

ALTR 181502, previously known as Robert “Robbie” James, was announced as clinically dead to the public on 05/11/2016. Within the IRIS Foundation however it should be known that ALTR 181502, while maintaining a “corpse-like” appearance, is very much alive. IRIS researchers and medics have been working on a plausible theory on the rapid and alarming decline in ATLR 181502’s health after an apparent encounter with ALTR 114209. This variation of effects with 114209 seems to be an outlier. But until a working theory has been confirmed, the containment is highly necessary for both ALTR 181502 and for the wider public. Some IRIS staff have left due to unknown illnesses after contact with ALTR 181502. Their symptoms are yet to be examined but they are all in highly secure quarantine zones until they are confirmed to not be carrying a “Zombie Virus” as the research staff seem to be calling it.

As for ALTR 181502- exact details of his initial encounter with ALTR 114209 are documented in his original report to IRIS. His condition remains unpleasant. And it seems the best we can hope for is to keep him in containment until we understand what's going on.

The journal, as well as the remainder of ALTR 181502's belongings have been quarantined or burned. We managed to digitise his IRIS issued journal for the research sake. In said journal we believe the figure he describes is ALTR 114209- as it is within it's behaviour to torment it's victims while they are in mental distress.

It was discovered, by one such medic, after attempting an autopsy on ALTR 181502, that he is very much no longer human. If the hive of moth larvae that has eaten away at all of his organs have anything to say about it at least. How he still is living, albeit not pleasantly, is about as good a guess as yours as it is mine.

End Supplemental.

[mariana-oconnor]

The Illustrious Client pt 3

Had a busy weekend, so I'm one behind again, but where were we?

A hypnotised woman, a man so evil he wants everyone to know about it and he keeps a special scrapbook of his favourite evil moments for him to read in bed at night when he can't sleep. My favourite character is probably not going to be in it again, seeing as she failed to convince the guy's latest victim that he's a murdering arsehole, but I really hope she gets to stamp his face in with her boot. Y'know. As a treat.

Oh, and then someone tried to kill Holmes. There was a cliffhanger. I almost forgot about that.

The Illustrious Client on whose behalf Sherlock Holmes was consulted was anxious to prevent the marriage of the young, rich and beautiful Miss Violet de Merville to Baron Gruner, an unscrupulous adventurer.

Given some of the descriptions Watson has given of perfectly nice clients, I feel like 'unscrupulous adventurer' is such a milquetoast way of putting this. And also rather offensive to adventurers.

“I'm a bit of a single-stick expert, as you know. I took most of them on my guard. It was the second man that was too much for me.”

See, this is why I don't get why everyone insists on Watson being the action man of the pair. Holmes is out there whacking people with sticks. Watson occasionally shoots a dog.

No, I'm never going to be over that.

"They'll come to you for news. Put it on thick, Watson. Lucky if I live the week out—concussion—delirium—what you like! You can't overdo it.”

This is a definite step up from The Dying Detective where Holmes was convinced that if Watson knew he wasn't dying, he'd never be able to convince anyone of it. Has Watson's acting got better or has Holmes just realised that pretending to be dying is a dick move? Something tells me it isn't the first option. I don't think it's the second, either, if I'm honest. I feel like Holmes needs Watson to do something. But still, not lying to your best friend about dying. So proud of you.

“Yes. Tell Shinwell Johnson to get that girl out of the way. Those beauties will be after her now."

If anything bad happens to Kitty, I riot.

He pushed to an extreme the axiom that the only safe plotter was he who plotted alone.

Even so, he's still doing way better than he used to. We're all very proud of him.

It was simply that among the passengers on the Cunard boat Ruritania, starting from Liverpool on Friday, was the Baron Adelbert Gruner, who had some important financial business to settle in the States before his impending wedding to Miss Violet de Merville...

Apparently it was almost a week to get to the States on a liner in those days, which is less time than I thought, but also quite a while to spend travelling (2 weeks, there and back) right before your wedding. The wedding is not that imminent, I guess.

"Now, Watson, I want you to do something for me.” “I am here to be used, Holmes.”

“Well, then, spend the next twenty-four hours in an intensive study of Chinese pottery.” He gave no explanations and I asked for none. By long experience I had learned the wisdom of obedience.

On the one hand, this also shows growth, on the other, blindly following Holmes' instructions seems like a terrible idea in so. many. ways. But y'know, whatever floats their boats. Ours not to kink shame.

I was sucking in knowledge and committing names to memory. There I learned of the hall-marks of the great artist-decorators, of the mystery of cyclical dates, the marks of the Hung-wu and the beauties of the Yung-lo, the writings of Tang-ying, and the glories of the primitive period of the Sung and the Yuan.

“It needs careful handling, Watson. This is the real egg-shell pottery of the Ming dynasty. No finer piece ever passed through Christie's. A complete set of this would be worth a king's ransom..."

Will the priceless historic china survive? That's the real question.

"You may as well be a medical man, since that is a part which you can play without duplicity. You are a collector, this set has come your way, you have heard of the Baron's interest in the subject, and you are not averse to selling at a price.”

OK. okayokayokayokayokay. No.

If this guy knows who Holmes is. Then he should, therefore, know who Watson is, too. We have even had, in this very story, evidence that supports that because the colonel (whose name I can't remember right now) was like 'yes, of course Dr Watson should be involved toodle pip." (I added the toodle pip part, but the rest was accurate enough.)

So surely the guy who arranged for Holmes to be murdered - who is apparently tracking down Kitty to murder her, too - surely he should know who Watson is. Therefore either this is a double bluff and Holmes is knowingly sending Watson into a danger that has already tried to claim his own life or he doesn't think that his opponent is smart enough to connect his enemy to their best friend who writes about them frequently and who has been visiting him daily since the attack.

If he turns out to be right and the baron doesn't recognise Watson immediately, I will be further annoyed at his incompetence.

On the same evening, with the precious saucer in my hand and the card of Dr. Hill Barton in my pocket, I set off on my own adventure.

Oh really? Like... an adventurer, would you say?

The place had been built by a South African gold king in the days of the great boom, and the long, low house with the turrets at the corners, though an architectural nightmare, was imposing in its size and solidity.

Glad to see Watson turning his scathing judgements to architecture as well as people. It was... it was a very solid building. It had that going for it.

He was certainly a remarkably handsome man. His European reputation for beauty was fully deserved. In figure he was not more than of middle size, but was built upon graceful and active lines. His face was swarthy, almost Oriental, with large, dark, languorous eyes which might easily hold an irresistible fascination for women. His hair and moustache were raven black, the latter short, pointed, and carefully waxed. His features were regular and pleasing, save only his straight, thin-lipped mouth. If ever I saw a murderer's mouth it was there—a cruel, hard gash in the face, compressed, inexorable, and terrible. He was ill-advised to train his moustache away from it, for it was Nature's danger-signal, set as a warning to his victims.

Oh my god. Watson. Watson. Quite being so horny on main. I am begging you. Stop ogling the man. And he can't help the way his moustache is away from his mouth - it's all the twirling.

"I would ask you what do you know of the Emperor Shomu and how do you associate him with the Shoso-in near Nara? Dear me, does that puzzle you? Tell me a little about the Northern Wei dynasty and its place in the history of ceramics.” I sprang from my chair in simulated anger.

Watson. Watson. My dude. My man. My good sir. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK was the point of you learning everything there is to know about Chinese pottery if you're not even going to bother to answer his motherfucking questions? What even is this? What was the point? WHY?

I mean, I'm pretty sure he knew who you were from the moment you sent the letter but even so. Even so! I can't get annoyed about him not committing to the bit when you're out here not even trying to commit to any of it.

Two steps took me to the open door, and my mind will ever carry a clear picture of the scene within. The window leading out to the garden was wide open. Beside it, looking like some terrible ghost, his head girt with bloody bandages, his face drawn and white, stood Sherlock Holmes.

Well, I was right. It was a double bluff. Watson was the distraction, cool cool. He was rubbish at it, but at least Holmes knew he was going to fail.

An arm—a woman's arm—shot out from among the leaves. At the same instant the Baron uttered a horrible cry—a yell which will always ring in my memory. He clapped his two hands to his face and rushed round the room, beating his head horribly against the walls. Then he fell upon the carpet, rolling and writhing, while scream after scream resounded through the house.

The features which I had admired a few minutes before were now like some beautiful painting over which the artist has passed a wet and foul sponge.

So that's why you went on about how hot he was. For the contrast. Gotcha.

Obviously this is terrible and throwing acid in people's faces is awful and horrible etc.

On the other hand, I support Kitty Winter and she's never done anything wrong ever in her life.

"It was that hell-cat, Kitty Winter!”

“It is his love diary?”

You say that like it's a normal thing.

???

"I knew I had only a few minutes in which to act, for my time was limited by your knowledge of Chinese pottery."

Holmes' perennial lack of faith in Watson's abilities is as sad as it is earned.

But he didn't even use his knowledge of Chinese pottery. He didn't even try.

“But if these injuries are as terrible as Dr. Watson describes, then surely our purpose of thwarting the marriage is sufficiently gained without the use of this horrible book.”

Wow, you think very little of Violet. I also think very little of her, but honestly, I'm pretty sure this isn't a deal breaker for her. Just say you think she's shallow and fickle, why don't you?

The same paper had the first police-court hearing of the proceedings against Miss Kitty Winter on the grave charge of vitriol-throwing. Such extenuating circumstances came out in the trial that the sentence, as will be remembered, was the lowest that was possible for such an offence.

Good for her.

...when an object is good and a client is sufficiently illustrious, even the rigid British law becomes human and elastic.

YAY! CORRUPTION!!

🥳🥳🥳

What a weird note to end it on. But the day was saved, I guess. Weirdly as it was. Violet de Merville presumably went on to continue to be a supercilious nightmare of a woman and Baron Adelbert Gruner was punished with *checks notes* disfigurement and blindness... so I guess that's a happy ending?

idek.

I'm glad Kitty got to fuck him up, though. That was very satisfying.

[abs0luteb4stard]

To my friend Niko. 💙🩷🤍🩷💙

I'll never know if it was an accidental OD or intentional suicide or what... I was lucky a friend of his was kind enough to tell me that he died. I was too afraid to ask anymore of a stranger. It had been weeks or months of inactivity before I was told. My suspicions were confirmed. Utterly shocked.

That's what happens with long-distance internet friends sometimes. He fucking died just months before my dad's series of medical events that put him into vascular dementia. Now It's been 7 years.

He felt like a soul friend sometimes. So much fun little things in common, coincidences, sadnesses. He got me into TØP, which I can't bring myself to listen to anymore. 🫤 It's not the same without his joy about new songs.

He was the sweetest person. I wish he'd have been able to make his trip here to visit his friend or s/o. My mom and me would've tried to make the trip a few states over to at least say hello give him a hug. He had new yellow suitcase and everything. 😢 It's still unbelievable.

He even liked me enough to tell me his 'dead name'. I forgot it, because Niko was who I knew.🤷🏻‍♂️ But I realized it was a very special trusting thing.

This will never not bother me. It haunts me.

He was always open to talking about being trans, transitioning, and taught me a lot. He cleared a lot of purely innocent misconceptions and ignorance about being trans that I had.

And My dad, who was probably 75ish when I started talking to Niko. My dad had a meager education in 1940s Europe. He was still very accepting and interested in his life, his safety. And was even hurt when I told my dad Niko had been bullied at school like me growing up. Even before his realization that he was transgender. He had a stutter and was smaller than the other kids. That really bothered my dad.

And my mom always asked about him. She always feels motherly for my friends. But Niko had some less than perfect relationship with his mom. And my mom felt heartbroken by that.

So I felt like Niko made a difference for our family just being an open book and a sweetheart. I wish I had the chance to have long in person talks with him one day and share more pictures of our families. Sadly, that'll never come. And I've already forgotten a lot of our texts and things.

He left a hole in my life right when things got incredibly difficult and dark and painful in a lot of horrible ways.

I had support, but he had a special sort of way about him. As shy and anxious as he was, he was a social butterfly through our penpal friendship.

He had his top surgery. He had to wait almost a year. We were so happy.

He sent me this nice picture of him smiling at the hospital with the sun's rays flowing in onto him. It's almost like a dream now.

I guess if there's an afterlife, my dad and uncle are looking out for him from any bullies. And Niko has the body he was meant to all along.

But I often wonder if the difficulties with acceptance didn't contribute to his death through medicating himself. Again, I'll never know. But his death was unnecessary in my eyes even if I didn't have the full story. Because not being unconditionally loved and accepted kills people too. Not being concerned in healthy, helpful ways kills people, too.

But I think he should be remembered today too because he contributed to the change he wanted in the world by being who he was to me, and I would also learn how he was to many other people.

At least I know he changed my world and my parents' world. He is why we don't just accept transpeople in a closeted backseat way.

He is why I am openly vocal for acceptance and caring about transpeople, being their friends. And protecting transgender people.

It was such a strange coincidence again that his favorite band TØP would make a song with his namesake just 2-3 years after he died. It was poetic and sad.

I hope you found peace. 🖤🏳️‍⚧️

[beesinspades]

I'm 3 months and 2 weeks on T now and I'm sooooo happy with it :D the first two months and then some were SLOW, so much so if it wasn't for one thing and the (temporary) side effects of the hormonal mess, I would've thought it wasn't working lol

but over the past month I've started really seeing changes!!

my voice started dropping, I can hear a difference with my voice pre-t!

I'm already growing facial hair on my neck and chin. at this rate I'll hopefully be one of the lucky ones with something decent before the end of my first year on T hehe

my belly is getting hairier

I think my face shape has started to change but that's harder to tell

so yeah I'm really happy because so far I'm getting nice changes and I haven't been plagued with being hungry, hot and horny. no mood changes either or anything. I don't feel any different from before T besides feeling more confident in my appearance. and I still have some palpitations when I lie down to go to bed in the evening and still in bed in the morning but I saw a cardiologist with echography and EKG and I'm good so it's likely the hormones. it was much worse before my third shot when we increased the dose.

also I don't know if it's related but before T I would get really nauseous (at the base of the neck rather than the stomach, idk how to explain it) at least once every three weeks or so, most of the time when I woke up in the morning and then it went away once I got up and went about my day. a week or so after I started T it got worse as in it started happening more frequently, at night too, and sometimes lasted throughout the day. then towards the end of the sixth week, before my third shot, it got so bad for like five days I thought I was gonna die hahaha but same as the palpitations improving, we did the third shot at full dose instead of half and the nausea disappeared. I haven't had a single instance of it since. so?¿?¿??? (both these things were already there before but probably made worse by a medication I started taking a little after going on T though. I stopped taking it as well)

I'm a liiittle anxious because "oh my god what if I'm doing a mistake" but I'm really looking forward to the next few months!!!

anyways, I did two shots by myself so far, the first one went perfectly well and the second one I felt like passing out but it was likely because I did it in the morning right out of my hot shower sjdkln I lied down for 20 minutes and then felt fine again.

also I got the results of my check-up blood test yesterday and my T levels have very nicely increased (I'm at like 55) and everything else is normal :3

but also WELP because besides my sister my family doesn't know. my mother hasn't called me in a month so odds that she'll notice something next time she calls me are not nonexistent and it's Not going to go well and I'm wholly unprepared for that conversation

next week I'm having lunch with my godmother whom I last saw on the day I started T, so that should be interesting too....she's always been supportive and nonjudgmental (to my face at least hahaha) but also given that she believes in the woke agenda I have no idea if HRT is going too far for her. wait and see :')

as for my dad, I'm frankly starting to wonder if he's just pretending not to have noticed anything. the voice I can get because he talks to me everyday so without a direct comparison it's not impossible that he hasn't noticed. but the facial hair??? I have way more than before and it's surprising he hasn't commented on it. anyway. either way the moment my mother knows he's probably gonna be made aware too.

anyway. excitement but also Fear

[nishloves]

my rant

tw: talks about weight increase, low self-esteem, moderate anxiety, procrastinating tendencies. this is also extremely long.

i just really need to talk/vent about it.

the worst part about being a "casual" gamer is, you never know when you might get addicted with it. i play genshin and CoD, while cod doesn't interest me as much anymore and i only ever played genshin for like twice a month but recently- genshin has been taking over lol, i played 3 hours of genshin alone yesterday and mind you- i've already finished all the archon (main) quests and i'm still playing it!!! (this is called procrastination)

and this is not just limited to computer games no, i once was obsessed with aerobics gymnastics and was practising it all around my house (before corona struck and i physically became unable to do many tricks cue *decreasing flexibility/strength/stamina and everything after i got sick. after aerobics, my hyper-fixation was basketball and i would play it for around 2-3 hours everyday, my body slowly started getting better and my love for sports and gym was ignited again but then i entered into the senior year of my school and i had to inevitably focus more on my studies because i still can't see myself being an athlete/sportsperson even though i really love sports.

now, i was a science major in my high-school (my core were - phy, chem and bio) and i had always been a hardworker but i started getting burnt out, the more i strayed away from staying active and being fit, the more of couch potato i became. i somehow started studying nicely again, but got corona in sept.2022 and was on bedrest for two weeks, my schedule was a mess again. during that time, it were only my high-school extracurriculars (anchoring, debating, basketball, student council) which were keeping me happy along with a few friends (who in future became insecure of everything i was doing and shut me off by calling me "fake", that shit hurt.) and because i had missed 2 weeks of school and was already behind the syllabus by myself because of improper time management, so i developed anxiety- i only realised this after i had a mental breakdown in school for 2 minutes which i wasn't able to control instantly. (my anxiety is moderate and i don't need any medicines for it- i just need to keep my schedule productive and avoid procrastination.) i realised that i was quite behind and that i needed to do something so i did, i shut myself off and studied for 3 months without any outside exposure or anything- but that made me gain weight, from a 54kg 5'7 girl, i went on to a 68kg and because i got sick just immediately after, my weight increased to 70kgs. now, don't get me wrong- i love my body, i still like the way i look but, i don't feel healthy and i don't think you can understand how nerve-wrecking it is for a person who could run 5km without a worry pant after 500m. it was really... and i mean really heart-braking, more than my weight gain, it was my inability to do anything which made me more and more insecure about myself.

my anxiety, my newly acquired low self-esteem were adding fuel to my already procrastinating tendencies.

now. that is the main issues- i am a procrastinator, and for some reason i'm unable to fully get out of it and i get even more anxious when my days are going unproductive which they are!

i didn't score bad in my high-school finals, my scores of normal college entrance exams were good enough to fetch me into a top 3 college of our nation for b.sc but- i didn't want that. even though all my other exams went well, i seriously fucked up my medical entrance examination. i thought to take a drop year but im seriosuly scared because i don't think i did anything fruitful this year and i just feel like i wasted an year of my life and my main exams are in 4 months and im really really getting stressed out because the selection rate is only the top 1-2% among 2 million applicants, talk about competition lmao.

see, i am aware that i can do it, i don't know if it is arrogance or optimism but i know that if i really do give it all- my blood, sweat and tears and everything- i know that i'll do better, i will be able to score enough to get a medical college- but the thing is, i feel like i am scared to start and i don't want to be.

i want to- i need to work hard to better than my present-self, i need to work out to get my stamina, strength and flexibility back. and even if i fail- i atleast worked hard, i just don't want to regret anything which i am doing, i need to get out of this slump and i need to convince myself to get up and atleast try everyday. because i seriously seriously think that regret is probably the worst emotion you could feel and i don't want to spend my life regretting my decisions.

i just- had to get it off my chest lol. thankyou for reading this all.

i promise you, i'll be a great doctor one day and will clear this exam with every courage i am able to muster.

i guess... that is all? have a nice day and take care of yourself!

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Amara's Day 2

We started today off with the goal of teaching a young lady about choices! Most important choice? Indoors or Outdoors. But there have been others along the way.

Amara needed to be carried out this morning to the yard for potty time, because she was feeling really anxious about leaving her overnight nest. She'd had an accident overnight without waking us, and I think was feeling scared of how we'd react. When we need to carry her somewhere, we've been establishing consent first to make sure she knows it's safe. Mostly that looks like keeping a respectful distance and offering her the back of our hand or finger tips to sniff. If she leans in and gives a lick, we'll go ahead and approach and pet her a little. If she turns away or growls, we'll drop the hand and try again after a few minutes, usually with a treat. If she takes the treat from our hand, we can pet, but if she waits for it to be on the ground, we give her some space until she seeks out a sniff. Once we're able to pet her without triggering any discomfort, we'll scoop her up with her legs and hind quarters supported and carry her where we need to bring her.

While that *was* how Amara got out to the yard this morning, we were able to get her to return indoors voluntarily! It took about 30min of back and forth before she wasn't afraid to let me close the back door again with her inside, but moving her water bowl and a dish of ground rabbit into the kitchen helped.

Medical observations for today so far are as follows:

Amara is chronically dehydrated (indicated by thinning of skin, poor elasticity, dry nose without heat, etc) and underweight (indicated by manual evaluation of ribs and hips, and full weight while carried) with possible malnutrition. She's eating and drinking well while here, indicating this is likely related to access rather than apetite.

Care plan accommodation: morning meal consisting of wet food, evening meal consisting of kibble moistened with nutritional supplement, and consistent access to her own bowl of water with added electrolytes. Duration 1-2 weeks, or until sufficiently hydrated to see physical improvement. Feed at rate of current weight plus 20% per meal after first week (first week refeeding up to rate for current weight in 1 cup intervals 2x-4x daily as sought) and until rib and hip bones are less sharply visible/felt under the skin.

We've made a lot of trust building progress, and currently Amara will seek out brief affection by seeking the consent process and licking as her affirmative. She also climbed up on the bed for a bit while humans and other animals were on it! She mostly prefers not to be touched, and gets nervous around sudden movements, but she has been able to coexist in shared spaces with the dogs, cats, and people largely without issue today!

She makes a BIG SIGH whenever she relaxes in a cozy spot, and she crosses her front paws just like Jaxxine does.

We're gonna try the outside again voluntarily soon and see if she's up for it, but first I have to get dinner started (harissa-tahini gravy with wilted greens over meatballs served inside of baked sweet potatoes bowls) so I can leave it to simmer while I supervise the pups. I'm hoping the kitchen time will help with the gradual adjustment back outside since it's an in-between space.

I think even if we don't get to bath time until later this week, we can still call today a victory if she goes in and out willingly and starts to learn the potty schedule. I'm going to mix a spray tonight and try to use tomorrow for introducing her to the curry comb so we can work towards cleaning her wounds and completing a more thorough physical exam.

[bluebudgie]

random ask and dunno if you said this anywhere else before, but how did Lahpp and Luqqah end up together? How was their relationship?

Lahpp seems the kinda guy who doesn't know where to start with anything romantic and somehow fell into it without knowing why (and why Luq went for him in the first place), and I'm curious to know.

Hi anon!! Glad you ask :> (Edit from Future-Budgie who has answered the ask: Oops this got long! Enjoy, I hope.)

They were assigned to work on the same project together in Thaumanova, a fairly standard asura tale I imagine.

The first time they met was... memorable for Lahpp at the very least. So he's introducing himself in the most proper way imaginable, mentions that he wonders if he hasn't seen her before - they did both go to Statics but considering he's a few years older they never shared classes directly. Still, might have crossed each other at some point.

Now Luqqah's introduction is essentially "Oh. You. I know about you. I looked through your medical records as part of a thesis-" Which, considering Lahpp's been trying his damn hardest to keep his medical history a secret from pretty much everyone at all costs, kinda makes him want to dematerialize on the spot. Until a second later... "Ultimately I decided to study someone else's case, yours was too mundane. Nice to meet you."

And for a moment he's not sure if he should be offended that she has the audacity to imply everything he's struggled with all life long is too mundane but... quite frankly he's just relieved to know she doesn't care. His biggest fear, dismantled right there. Off to a great start!

--

So they start working together in the following weeks, work goes really smooth, communication's spot on, they find out they've got some interests in common (mainly music theory), the chemistry's just right, you know. No pun intended. So they decide to give it a go, why not after all? They're stuck together for a while anyway.

Suboptimal decision, as they'll find out later. Their relationship is... a mixed bag. Platonically they're absolutely on the same wavelength, no issues here. Now the whole romance and intimacy part on the other hand.... ...that's pretty damn miserable. I'll leave the details up to your imagination but let's say there's... not much going on. For a good while they try, talk it over and over, really - Luqqah especially is invested - but it's so, so awkward everytime.

They still have amazing quality time sharing hobbies in the little spare time they've got allocated but unfortunately the longer the Awkward Romance drags on the more it seeps into the rest of their relationship and just... kinda sours the overall experience a little. Apparently not enough for either of them to end it. Perhaps it's the underlying fear of losing a good friend.

--

So they're in this kinda miserable "we would really be off better as friends" relationship for what... 2... 3 years? Luqqah goes having a little affair in the meantime (Inquisitor Dunnh, anyone?), time goes on, and on a fairly mundane but fateful day (that I won't describe in further detail now because this is already getting too long once again) Lahpp finally has the realization that'll free them both: "Oh I'm gay."

At this point he really doesn't wait much longer and just sits Luqqah down to have a talk. He feels like he owes her a quick end now and not waste her time much longer.

And he's so anxious. The generally collected, at this point fairly well-adjusted guy is stammering his soul out of his body dancing around the actual break up. Starting with the all time classic "I promise it's not your fault" and going into long-winded spirals of "you still mean a lot to me, but..." Lots of apologetic blah-blah that's going nowhere. Very unlike him. Anyway, Luqqah decides to gently cut him off with "Just get to the point." Well, turns out he thinks he may be gay. She stares. It's quiet for a moment. She smiles. "Well that explains a lot."

It's still a little awkward for a few weeks after that, but they remain close friends. Their relationship gets better. More relaxed. Oh, and Luqqah does tell Lahpp she cheated on him. He doesn't hold it against her.

And then some time later the reactor blows up and they go completely separate ways. After 10 long years they meet again during the events of End of Dragons in Cantha :>

[ninasbooknook]

vent post 🫶🏼 (tw skin picking, ocd, anxiety, mention of blood)

2 weeks ago i started taking adhd medication. this is my first time on this type of medication so i expected some new side effects but i feel like my mental health has changed sort of drastically since i started taking them. i have had a past of OCD traits but i have never been tested. i have an anxiety disorder and i haven’t been fully diagnosed but i am taking medication for that and my depression.

so my anxiety has spiked since taking the adhd medication. before the medication i was actually doing really well with anxiety and depression. i hadn’t had that general anxiety feeling in a long time. and then it came back. yk that feeling where you feel anxious/worried but you don’t have anything in particular that you’re worried about? that’s what i mean by “general anxiety feeling”. so that was one of the first signs of my anxiety spiking bc it was just there. i could sense it. next was the nausea. i have different feelings of nausea and i have been able to label all of them over the years. the nausea i have been feeling is my well known anxiety nausea. again, there was nothing making me worried. although i was starting to get a little worried around this time because i was really struggling with communication so it was hard to tell people how i was feeling. it’s made my social life really hard. but i wasn’t necessarily overthinking this when i got that anxiety nausea. next was the obsession with my fingers. i could not stop picking the skin around my nails. i hate the little bits of skin that stick out. it looked bad and it made me uncomfortable somehow. so i’d pick it. and i’d pick it again and again until all my fingers had scabs/infection or were bleeding. i felt so bad. i didn’t want to keep picking but i couldn’t help it. even though it made me feel worse for picking my skin, it make me feel a bit better. it relieves some of the anxiety. that’s how i felt at least. it was a distraction from the things around me. i realised i actually liked the pain sometimes. this worried me. i’m not the type of person that hurts themselves as a coping mechanism. but the pain felt good. like i deserved it.

i started using the app “i am sober”. it’s been sort of helpful. so today i was so close to reaching the 3rd day milestone. i was so proud of myself. at school i planned with my bf to go to his house. one, because i love hanging out with him and two, i never feel anxious at his house and atm i’ve been opting for the “stress-free” option ofc. turns out i couldn’t come over. i was really disappointed but i sucked it up and went home. me and my bf were kind of pissed and i felt like he was a bit annoyed at me which didn’t make me feel any better (he wasn’t annoyed at me btw). i get home and i remember that i broke a nail at school and my nails are uneven now. as much as i’ve been trying to avoid going anywhere near my finger nails, i realise my finger nails are getting in the way of my mouse pad giving my finger tips a weird feeling.

fast forward 3 hours. i spent 3 fucking hours, trimming, cutting and filing my nails. i picked at the sides of my fingers with the nail clippers trying to remove any dead skin that might show up later (which i hate). i attempted to remove my cuticles because i just couldn’t get them even. i picked at the side of one of my fingers so much it began to bleed. i hated myself. i realised then that i’d lost my streak of not picking my skin. i had been doing so well and then i ruin it all. which is untrue, i didn’t really ruin it all. but that’s how i felt. still, i kept picking. it had been around 2 hours and i hadn’t even finished a whole hand of fingers. by 3 hours i’d completed one hand. the only thing that stopped me from continuing my picking was the call that dinner was being served and after dinner my bf called me. he knew i wasn’t ok. i wanted to leave the call but he begged me to stay. i can’t say no to him. the feeling that i need to finish the other hand is still lingering in the back of my mind but i don’t want to upset or disappoint my bf.

tonight i felt like hurting myself. there were scissors on my bed i used on my nails earlier. i imagined what it would feel like on my skin. i hate myself for admitting that i was going to hurt myself if my bf wasn’t on the phone with me at the time. i pray i wouldn’t have been brave enough to do it anyway. i felt like i deserved it. to be in pain.

anyways my lovely bf made me feel better just be being there. we didn’t talk, he listened to me and when i stopped talking we sat in silence. but he was there and that’s what matters. if we wasn’t there i might have done something id extremely regret. i also think i might have had a panic attack if he wasn’t there to calm me down. i love him 🫶🏼

i realised later that when i wanted to go to my bf's house it was like my body was warning me that the anxiety was going to be bad. that the picking was going to be bad. it's not bad at his house so my brain wanted to go there. maybe i'm reading into this too much but the way i felt when i realised ii couldn't go to his house wasn't just disappointment. it was worry and stress. i felt like i needed to go to his house.

if you read all of this, bless your heart 😭🫶🏼 if you have any similar experiences or thoughts on this lmk!! could this be ocd or is it something else?

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ ﾟ。 - nina's book nook 　ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

[whumpshaped]

I'm probably super late & no pressure to respond but I want to share a scar story! (Maybe it can inspire writers who want to read a firsthand experience about some OUCHITY OUCH pain.)

I have a tiny straight line of a scar along the nail of my big toe. But the interesting bit is just, the painful part tbh. It's wild but might be squick. So again, no need to respond or read it all. Bail if it gets too squick. Nothing life threatening or gorey, just big ouchers.

(CW: I had a Matrixectomy/partial nail removal. But he forgot the local anesthetic.)

I was like 14 yrs old and had a really infected spot on my toe where my nail had become ingrown that kept getting infected again if I stubbed my toe etc. so my mom took me to a medical clinic & they performed a Matrixectomy. But without a local anesthetic.

So it's one nurse, one doctor guy and my mom. He just gets right to it after all of the tools are brought out and was pushing teeny mini scissors/cutters into the infected skin area that was really tender and painful by just barely walking on it, cutting a straight line on my nail to the base of the nail to remove the problem area. With No injection for numbing. I was like a 90lb stickboy of a beanpole but my mom had to help the nurse hold my legs down bc it was so hard to stay still and not roll around in pain. I tried not to cry too much and didn't scream bloody murder because I didn't want to inconvenience the doctor or freak my mom out but that shit HURT. Then he applied the acid with a q-tip or something that scars the area so the nail in that section doesn't grow back. That also hurt.

Once it was over I sat up and nearly passed out so they had to make me lay back down, & brought me a wet towel for my forehead. Once I was good to get up we walk out the door to pay or whatever, idr, I just know I almost passed out in the hall on the way to the counter, and then one more time in the parking lot before I got in the car to go home. The gauze was so tight my toe was throbbing, I was literally just writhing in pain on my mom's bed for 1 or 2 hrs till I loosened the wrapping and the pain finally went down enough that I could sleep it off with an Ibuprofen.

A couple weeks later the nail still curled into my skin and got infected again. 🫠 I nearly cried when I saw the pus it was gross and I didn't want to go through the procedure again, I was an anxious wreck over it. We go to another clinic, get told the first guy did it wrong/incorrectly somehow, then get directed to a podiatrist to fix it for real this time.

That podiatrist was the nicest doctor in the world. When the nurse brought out the tray with the tools right before they were going to start my eyeballs took one look at the instruments and just WEPT without my say-so. It didn't even feel like crying. It just felt like water coming out of my eyeballs without my consent. They were so understanding about it. 😭 I felt like I was being a big fat wuss, or a crybaby. But I was scared. "Sorry. I'm good. It just really hurt last time." And they'd heard the story so they knew so I was gonna trust them to NOT do that they reassured both my mom and I they'd make sure it didn't hurt.

Then he injected the local anesthesia to numb my toe and get to work. All I felt was him vaguely pushing my toe around for a better angle and a little bit of pressure and then bam. It was over and done. 0 pain whatsoever. It was fuckin INCREDIBLE. 20/10 experience.

IDK why that first guy kept going when the patient was clearly in so much pain or distressed he had to be held down. I was like 14. >:( But it makes for a good story to tell.

& that's my traumatic scar horror story of the smallest scar I have. :D

THATS INSANE. SOME DOCTORS ARE SO DUMB AND SHOULD NOT BE PRACTISING. also yeah i know abt this procedure bc .. i obsessively watch videos w it.. dont even. dont even say anything. i know. i know.

im soooo sorry u went thru that shit thats so bad. but im glad it got fixed later.

[winemom-culture]

My endocrinology appointment wasn’t good and I’m sad

My heart rate and blood pressure were both high. These things, weight loss, and my eye symptoms were the initial symptoms of my Grave’s back 2 years ago. So my doctor was like… I think you might be hyperthyroid again based on your heart.

But I don’t really know if my heart is a great metric. Bc like, my heart rate is always high. Especially at the doctor when I get anxious. I told her this, but in order to consider it not related to the thyroid she wants to see my bloodwork (expected) and a cardiologist work up. Which, that part feels a little excessive to me when I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong I just have a little bird heart. Arrhythmia runs very heavily on my dads side but it gives them problems with palpitations, I don’t really have those often, just like a fast baseline constantly. When I first got diagnosed with Grave’s my HR could’ve been 130-40 easy RESTING, so I sorta feel like 120 while anxious (what it was today) is relatively better? When I’m at home it definitely feels like normal until I exert. She’s like “You have to stay on beta blocker until you get your heart under 80 bpm” and I’m like lol. No offense but my heart is like never consistently under 80 even on the beta blockers 🥲 beta blockers became a big crutch to me last year and I feel like getting off them made me feel weird even though they are non-addictive I am semi-convinced that’s why I became so hyperfixated on my heart in my big anxiety spiral in 2021. I really don’t want back on them….

The thing I’m definitely NOT experiencing now is weight loss. I did the math and I’m like 80 pounds heavier then when I started going to her in 2020. And she has said that is from the thyroid medicine. Not that the medicine is bad, it’s doing it’s job of blocking thyroid hormone, but in turn that slows my metabolism a lot. I’ve tried to express my concerns about the constant weight gain, the fact that I feel like a ravenous monster, that I just can’t get a grip on it at multiple past appointments and I feel like she kinda brushes that off, always just “so anyways about that heart…..”

So now I get blood work next week for a moment of truth to see what the deal is. If I’m hyperthyroid I have to get back on my meds and probably consider surgery to take it out (that I don’t have time, money or a support system for- because my parents would be against this. That’s a whole other insane can of worms.) OR I am still in a balanced thyroid state but have to go figure out what’s wrong with my heart.

My health OCD is immediately revving up about being alone at my place, like “you don’t want to be alone all the time with high heart rate and blood pressure do you? What if you stroke out and die? Right there where you’re sitting?” Which is funny, ‘cause yesterday I didn’t know any better and was perfectly fine being alone, while presumably in the exact same boat healthwise. Ignorance was bliss

I’m feel like I’m gaining like 5 pounds every time I step on a scale and it’s so frustrating and upsetting, I literally have to get it figured out and under control this year. I’m totally just overwhelmed and don’t know how to start or how to truly stick to it. I cried my whole way home and I’m getting myself worked up again venting this out. Hope I can keep that pain fresh in my mind as motivation. Real meltdown hours. I don’t want all these problems at 26. It’s making me think about stuff down the road, what if I decide in 2 or 3 years I do want to have another kid after all? I genuinely don’t think as it is right now I would be medically advised to try. It only gets more high-risk as I get older. The thyroid and fertility/complications go hand in hand. It’s like, y’know, that’s awhile down the road there’s still time, but I’m 2 years out from initial diagnosis and as of right now I feel much more vaguely unhealthy in a general sense than I did then.

I just wish there were a more receptive endo around here but as far as I can tell from looking in the past, this office is really the best we got rn.

[bethanydelleman]

Difficulties Part 1

I usually keep pretty well to Austen or British literature of the last century, but as Jane Austen is very concerned with the plight of women, I wanted to share two small things that happened to me, that impress upon me the difficulty living in the world as a woman.

I had a job that I really loved at a university in Canada. I was unionized, had unlimited sick days, medical benefits, paid time off, a pension, and reasonable compensation. After about two years at this job I left for maternity leave, which in my country was 1 year at half pay. I was worried however, because my department had a nasty habit of laying off women during mat leave. This would usually be illegal, but research work is all based on grants and contracts, so it can happen more easily in my field than in others.

I was anxious about going back to work, but at the 10 month mark my boss emailed and asked if I could come back early. I agreed, partially because I was bored but also because I was worried I might lose my position if I didn’t go back. So I went back 3 days a week (I had actually started at this job 3 days a week and moved to five over time) and my son went to a great little home daycare. I made it clear to my manager that as I had a 2 hours a day commute, I didn’t want to work more days. I thought she would understand as she had also worked part time when she had young children.

2 months in, I was laid off. I was only 2 months away from my contract becoming permanent, something that happened automatically after 3 years. I also had worked so few hours that it was impossible for me to collect employment insurance. It turned out they just wanted me to cover a three month leave of another staff member.

Now I feel I must justify myself, I was good at my job. When the news got around, I was approached by several people I had worked with who offered themselves as references. One person even swore when she realized she’d have to train someone new on the complicated medical software that I had mastered (just ask a nurse or doctor how user friendly their medical records program is...). Even though they were not required to, many of the doctors I worked with still included my name on their published research papers.

Anyway, we were in a terrible position as a family. My husband and I had just purchased a new house, since my job had seemed secure. I fortunately had about a month’s vacation pay as a buffer, but that was it. My daycare graciously let me take my son out until I found another job, if I had lost my space it would have been worse. I desperately applied for jobs and eventually accepted one with the same employer that was not unionized.

I lost my pension, sick days, medical benefits, and paid vacation and was only given about 2 dollars more an hour in this new job. I never would have accepted it if I hadn’t been so desperate. 

And the worst part is, the people who did this to me were all women. My manager and supervisor were both women. And they didn’t care. The one even seemed surprised that I was angry at the final meeting. She said it was best for the projects. I highly doubt it.

Anyway, this is my little proof that having a uterus and being a mother who wants to spend time with her child still can destroy your career and that you can’t rely on the compassion or humanity of your superiors.

Note: Why do I need medical benefits? I live in Canada, but we have a strange form of universal healthcare that covers all hospital and doctor visits, but not eye, dental, most therapy/mental health care or most medication. So for a person my age at the time, the most commonly covered would be things like birth control, glasses, dental visits, and physiotherapy.

And yes, this creates problems were someone with say, type two diabetes can’t afford their very cheap meds and instead ends up in the ER frequently which is super expensive. We have plans where if you are poor enough you get free medication but it’s a mess and honestly they need to fix it.

[pancakeke]

Did you get diagnosed with adhd as an adult? I ask because I'm an adult woman of color that can get up and go to work and can kind of interact with people around me, so I feel like I'll never get it

I got diagnosed when I was 29 but looking back I should have been diagnosed when I was in middle school lol. When I sought out a doctor I was technically functioning at my job and home but I was doing piss poor work and was stressed out beyond my limit 100% of the time.

I have a really hard time talking to doctors because I get anxious and forget what I want to highlight a lot so it may be helpful for you as well to list out your struggles and how they are negatively impacting your life. then you have a point by point list your doctor can use to help with diagnosis

for examples, a bunch of stuff I listed:

Work:

I forget to follow up on problem orders constantly, creating larger problems for myself later

I have to keep ridiculous amounts of notes to keep myself on track, but then the amount of notes becomes overwhelming and they become impossible to use

I question my memory at all times which keeps me in a high level of stress and anxiety

After dealing with some extra temporary responsibilities I hit a wall and have not been able to bounce back and do my normal duties very well anymore. Even my boss has noticed that I have had a hard time keeping up and talked to me about it. Nothing has permanently changed with my work, the problem is something with me.

home/personal life

I volunteer to help people with plans often but very quickly forget my responsibilities and only remember when reminded at the the last minute, putting myself in the position where I have to work until 2 or 3am to prepare for what we're doing

often I feel very creative and have the intention to work on home improvement or personal projects but either cant force myself to initiate a plan or after starting a plan I can't focus enough to get remotely close to completing it

along with the above, when actually starting a project it's generally on impulse and as soon as the impulse dies down I cant force myself to continue no matter how hard I try

I create constant messes and always feel disorganized no matter how hard I try to maintain an acceptable living space

I buy things on impulse for personal projects but then can't bring myself to work on the projects, meaning I often waste money on impulse buys that never go anywhere

I have a difficult time remembering to pay bills

General

forgetfulness causes me to accidentally procrastinate almost constantly, always putting me in a position where I have to rush while fueled by anxiety to get anything accomplished.

I basically rely on anxiety to push me to complete anything. if I'm not afraid of failure or causing problems it's almost like tasks don't exist

there isn't a day where one or more of the above things causes me problems.

kind of overboard but you get the idea. take some time over a week or two and note every time your ADHD symptoms affect your quality of life, and also add to your notes that all these things are negatively impacting you on a daily basis (if its true, which I don't doubt it is). If you share any of these problems with me feel free to tell your doctor you know someone diagnosed with ADHD who had the same problems to emphasize that you don't just have generalized anxiety.

My doctor made a copy of my notes to keep on file which I greatly appreciated. I've had a LOT of problems with doctors in the past not taking me seriously for physical problems I had so I'm like extra aware and suspicious of how doctors behave now.

I was genuinely surprised at how serious my doctor took all my issues. She didn't dismiss anything and agreed this sounded like ADHD. I'm white and can't talk to the issue of being POC and trying to get taken seriously by medical professionals but my generic advice is: don't be afraid to fire a doctor who doesn't seem to listen to you or is dismissive of your struggles. You don't even need to tell them they're fired, you can just cancel your next appt right after you make it and then ghost them. I went through 5 doctors (and hundreds of dollars....) getting a physical problem diagnosed once. I seriously wish I'd jumped ship on two of these guys sooner and stopped wasting my time and money on morons who had no investment in my health.

Also if possible, talk to local people you know or check out support groups (there are a lot of various ones on FB. also there may be forums out there for this kind of thing) for POC who struggle with finding doctors who actually listen to them. There may be recs you can use.

One more little bit of advice, if you're more comfortable with video chat than going to see a doctor in person you can do telehealth visits to speak with psychs about mental health issues and even get a diagnosis. It's what I did at first because it was easier to fit into my schedule. The only caveat is they can't prescribe you any medications for controlled substances (like adderall) without seeing you in person at least once. So if they do diagnose you with ADHD you'll have to go see them in person one time to get a prescription.

I always rant when I get asks for advice aaaa but I hope this helps at least somewhat!! If you have any other questions or want to talk feel free to send another ask or DM me!!

[catladyrn]

Breathe, just.

First journal entry, yaaaay. Emotions wa nani. Wish I remember more of my Japanese ugh memory anyways HI. I was motivated to write an entry and I got my new journal out and WELP. Radial nerve palsy in R arm. 2021 was my L arm. Nerve damage yaaaay. Hoping it gets better soon, I can't write even with my brace on. This brace... omg I wouldn't be able to type without it. Was recommended by my OT and bought it, ooooomg. The one provided by my WC sucked arse, thanks but.... well thanks.

I feel anxious and been smoking this bubble hash (hot honey) hoping it would make it better and lift my mood. Abroad in Japan vlogs are playing in the bg. That or his fiancee's vlogs.

I was really hungry and ate one chocolate kiss. What happened to my appetite?? It's gone. My bf asked me the 2nd time if I thought about dinner. UUUGHHH I wished you asked me earlier when I was dyin'. I need to eat more, I am 99.2 lbs and I'm 5'2''. I'm familiar with this, I had an ED where I was really underweight and had to be hospitalized for a week about a decade ago. I have a therapist and I have a case manager, recovery support specialist, medical provider.

I'm not even going to bother reading what I wrote. This is for KLJDSLKFJDLKSF getting my feelings out. I do... feel a lil better. Time for a hit hold on. Damn I love my bong. Gonna really love the pink bong when it gets here. Gonna be a dab wig.

I love my bf. But damn, we are working on our relationship. I have bipolar 2, he has crohns. We are both recovering alcoholics. He was tapering from kpin, and he's completely clean! He... suffers a lot due to his crohns. And he has his mental health issues, and then me. I come with a... special family, drama b/w bf and fam due to fam excusing him of injuring me (I had a brain injury in Dec, don't remember the 2 weeks of being in the hospital and discharge). Thinking about what it was like in the 2 weeks I wasn't conscious.... and when I "woke up". I wish things were differently.... like my fam liking and believing my bf. He basically saved my life, he was there when I fell down the concrete stairs and ultimately the fall caused my brain to bleed. He called 911. He said I was in a daze then started screaming while I was bleeding. He said it was the worst time in his life, he was worried he would lose me like his best friend who died from a TBI. I was driven to the local hospital and I was getting worse so they intubate me and sent me to the university hospital about 1 hr 15 mins away. Then 2 weeks later, I became conscious. Thinking about it... it's depressing. My injury and the aftermath basically ruined my relationship b/w my parents and younger brother.

OK FIRST ENTRY DONE. Damn, I keep looking out the window seeing if my bf is here. Ugh. I need to stop being so codependent and be more independent! There's so much to improve on, read, study, learn, watch. I'm stuck in my head, I NEED TO BE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. Mediated today. Still anxious but.... well. I felt a lil calmer after it so, yay? I like it though. Was a skeptic but now, doing.

IMMA END THIS and take another hit. It's gonna be a good evening, HERE THAT DEPRESSION??

It's gonna be a good evening.

[dontkaraabit]

Days on ambilify

I started ambilify Oct 30. I’m gonna document how it helps or if it helps my mental health on here. I have ocd, generalized anxiety, and bipolar 2.

Heads up it’s a lot of complaining from here on out

Oct 31–The first day my eyes really hurt and my anxiety was really bad but I think it was because I was scared to start a new med.

November 1- On the second day my eyes still hurt and when it kicked in and when I woke up it kinda felt like my entire field of vision was a lava lamp (it was really bad when I closed my eyes); I was anxious but in terms of my bipolar cycle I wasn’t at a high and I wasn’t quite at a low, but I was moving closer to a low.

I think it’s way too soon to discuss if it’s helping the bipolar situation, and will be too soon to discuss for a few weeks. I’m also not manic or depressed, I just recently was manic and was cycling really quickly (like every few days); because I was on the wrong meds. (When I come out of a low or high, I’m fine for a bit before the next up or down.) But like I said I felt like before I started this med, I was moving towards a low. I would describe my overall mood as anxious because I’m sensitive to medications and I was worried about the eye thing.

November 2- I was super productive. I woke up early and got all my work done and painted my nails by 9a. (Side note I paint my nails and cut them once a week because my self harm is scratching and short painted nails make it harder to scratch). I also started a new mood blanket.* I figured because I’m starting a new chapter in my mental health journey I should start a new blanket. I also let my cats hang on the patio all day which is big for me bc the OCD. They get dry bathes whenever they come in but it also means I’m basically outside all day because they aren’t allowed outside unsupervised. (I live in az it’s 70 degrees so it’s basically spring).

I would describe my overall mood as anxious, I put myself in an uncomfortable space (which I do believe is necessary for growth particularly for OCD) but the resulting emotion was anxiety, I’ve also been trying to be more active on the internet which is hard because I’m an introvert and have a hard time reaching out to people.

*a mood blanket is basically a temperature blanket (every mood is a different color—when I’m low on cash similar emotions are the same color). I use them to recognize my emotions instead of journaling but I think I’m going to try both hence this.

November 3- I didn’t sleep last night. Which makes me worry because I wouldn’t consider myself an insomniac but not sleeping is becoming my norm…

Today felt relatively normal besides that I didn’t have any anxiety until about 10, but my anxiety was caused by chest pain or vis versa. My mom/nurse/person I call when anything I very wrong said a big medical word I don’t understand, but my chest muscle is sore. So I would say my feeling/mood for the day is fine.

November 4- today sucked. I was so sick all day and I have no idea if it’s a side effect or if I just ate something bad. Like I’ve been nauseous on this med after I eat pretty consistently but today was next level. I was doubled over in pain from my stomach, it felt like I had the flu. Let me go back a second when I started today I was fine, then I got a “you haven’t had enough water signal” from the toperimate (my hands start to tingle then go numb) so I knew I was dehydrated and there was a big thing about drinking water on the papers that came w the med (perks for having a nurse in the fam you read those things so you can answer questions lmao). So I do think not having enough water was a main factor in why I felt bad today. But why I think it could be a side effect or food related is because I get nauseous after I eat. Side note: my therapist missed our appointment and I really need to go to therapy do to the the mass amounts of anxiety I’m having. Overall mood: sick.

November 5- OCD day.

November 6- I don’t feel comfortable in my body, like I’m not comfortable sitting, standing, laying down, walking, nothing. Red thinks I’m manic and so does my mom. I haven’t slept in days; all I want to do is crotchet because I can count. I think I’m just tired and having OCD overload.* I started taking the med in the morning today and half of it. I messaged my doctor two days ago about doing this because of the whole not sleeping thing, I’ll probably hear back on Monday. My overall all mood is anxiety because while tired is a feeling, I don’t think tired is a mood but anxiety over not being able to sleep is. Why isn’t it OCD you ask? It is but I’m also exhausted because of the OCD. I just need sleep.

*all ocd terminally is extremely unoffical. It’s just how I describe my ocd to my doctors. (Psy/ therapist)

November 7- today is my last day on ambilify lol. I told my psy how I was vibing and she was like lol no that’s not okay (my therapist said the same thing). So we no longer are taking it lol. But it won’t be out of my system for three days. Overall mood anxiety