catladyrn - Tumblr blog

[catladyrn]

i should probs physically journal

summer classes are going. bf takes up my time in the afternoon/evening and i love him, and i do get depressed and not motivated to study, BUT. i need time for myself to study and remember this shit. i am a nurse, I NEED TO KNOW THIS SHIT.

bf is at his breaking point. crohns, fear of cancer, fear of losing R eye (an infection looks like, given ABX, hopefully it doesn't get worse though eye getting puffier by the day), stomach issues, mental health issues (depression, anxiety, passive suicide), and ME.

weighed myself today. had a sweater and hoodie on, so added weight yes, but total weight: 95.2 lbs. I'm 5'2'' so it's not like i'm 5'6'' or anything, plus bf shouldn't talk. his weight fluctuates between the low normal to underweight. i know it's because of his crohns, he eats. not like me, he doesn't keep track of calories or feel guilty about filling full.

[catladyrn]

summer classes

started, woot! well, A&P started a week ago, pharm is coming on tues! eeek!!! is gonna be a hella busy summer, 2 CLASSES. fast paced, my slow ass. no positive, I AWESOME.

heh. bf.... we has trouble again with communication. my mind goes somewhere, ever since the brain injury my mind goes lala like... spaces out and then i come back to the present. is weird. my bf knows i have trouble forgetting things like dude, recovering alcoholic, anorexic, bipolar is i, add brain injury and getting hit by a car (thankfully landed on my arm so it helped break the fall but damn, L arm and flank be sore).

took notes. so much to do. fedex, maintenance request, A&P, prep for pharm....... decorate tf outta my apt. been depressed to do anything, now with zoloft and looking forward to classes, i'm...... doing better. just need to gain weight BUT OMG CALORIES, IT'S SO HARD. at this point, i would rather drink my calories, filling full makes me SCREAM. but when i'm hungry, i feel sick and pain. i go back and forth, throw up here and there. not everyday, maybe once in a week or not even. right now it's about restricting, kinda hard to throw up when you barely have anything in you.

imma go outside and smoke a ciggy and watch the tubes before i go back to my notes. don't particularly want bf to come, want to focus on school and it's almost 6p. aside from the review questions and exam 1, i didn't really do anything up until now.

ugh, i need to be more assertive. he has no problems doing it to me, why tf not the other way around? be stern. WE NEED TIME TO OURSELF CUZ WE GOT SHIT TO DO. kinda thing.

anyways LATERS FOR NOW i need to post here more often BUT i have an actual journal i can write in OMG BF IS HERE UUUUGH i love him but omg, can i PLEASE have me time. i'll have to learn to study when he's around, i do have 2 bedrooms for a reason :)

[catladyrn]

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here. It’s hard to start. I love my boyfriend but we have relationship issues at times. It seems like every day after my brain injury. It seems like it’s getting harder for me to concentrate. To focus to remember. He tends to show up without letting me know, and I love getting in my nerves. Sometimes in the morning he’ll show up unexpectedly. But I have a key to his place so of course I’m going to get him a key to my place. 

i’ve been taking my protein shakes for extra calories. My boyfriend got me some donuts this morning and I haven’t eaten yet, but if it was earlier then I would have taken a bite. Now I don’t have an appetite much, and donuts…. Calories… it’s so hard. And i love donuts!

[catladyrn]

bf says not to think about calories.

i had coffee and put a shit ton of creamer and now i'm like omg i made that coffee sdklfjdk amt of calories.

don't think about calories. eat.

[catladyrn]

since we're not going to AA

i guess i'll work on stuff around the apt. class starts monday so would like to lower the stress lvl by progressing in my "get my apt shit together" list.

i wonder if my bf is always with me cuz he's afraid imma drink or smth. he complains about all the house stuff he gotta do, but then he comes here all the time! dude, you need your mornings to yourself too. or else we'll never get stuff done.

i should probs drink choco milk for calories, but i'm scared. i have no appetite and have no desire to drink anything "heavy" rn.

i wish i had edibles, i feel so blah rn.

[catladyrn]

bf came super early, like before 8am. caught me by surprised, usually i wake up ~6:30 but stayed in bed til a lil after 7am then got my ass out to do cat stuff and then after starting the dishwasher and was about to wash the pot, he opens the door and walks right in. i don't know how i feel about this anymore, i love my bf, and he's welcome here anytime. but i would like the morning and then we can meet up at the noon mtg of AA. i did tell him this like 2x (suggested we use the morning to complete chores, work on tasks/goals, etc) but he.... doesn't.

his stomach isn't feeling well (he has crohns, so his stomach pretty much always isn't well) but this time it's bad enough he can't go to AA. i was dressed ready to go, and i saw him still in his pjs and lying on the sofa. usually even when he's sick he'll go to AA, so i know he really isn't feeling well.

i didn't go to AA cuz i'm sure he won't go if i was feeling that bad.

i need to buy shakes, i don't think i can eat much today. dinner will be leftover steak and.... smth. i dunno. steak last night was good tho, looking forward to dis one. i got tortilla wraps so that should be good. oh, but no greens :/

oh wells. either i get it if i go to walmart to get shakes, or i... have steak wraps without greens lol

[catladyrn]

I feel full. After the tacos i had steak and 2 bites of honey bun last night and now i’m like ugh but also ya know what, no one can make me eat :/ if i’m not hungry im not gonna eat. Imma get shakes so i can get my calories and not feel this way.

[catladyrn]

i want to drink the choco milk

i should drink it

more calories i need

but my mood and emotions. can i handle?

[catladyrn]

bf and i went to a taco place for lunch after AA. we ordered 2 soft tacos, I ordered one mahi and one shrimp. i had a bite of each and then ate most of the shrimp one. i was getting full and so i stopped eating and asked for a to-go box. srsly, don't think i can eat more without hating myself. i'll try to eat the rest later if not, imma force myself to drink choco milk.

actually, i can drink it now.

extra calories.... i did tell him after he saw how much i ate that i would buy protein shakes. and he's like ok we'll get you shakes.

i irritated him this morning, he came in all energetic and cheerful. i had texted him earlier that i ate the donuts he gave me the day before. i was going to throw it away before he came but he came early in the morning and i was busy figuring out how to throw away the donuts and have him not catch me in a lie. i urged him to go outside so we can smoke, and when we went outside i said i'll be back and left. used that time to grab the bag out the fridge and figured i'll have better luck running to the bathroom and flushing it down the toilet. i crumbled them up and flushed them down, and made sure i cleaned up all the chipped glaze on the floor. threw the bag in the garbage can and went back outside.

mega PHEW.

then i was stupid and said something/showed him something that reminded him of my family's treatment towards him and well.... lets say even now, his energy level and enthusiasm is low. he's in a ok mood.

[catladyrn]

I need to use this more.

Bf came over this morning, he has the keys to my apt (and vice versa with his house keys). I hate how he just comes in without letting me know ahead of time. I also want the morning to myself, it’s when we BOTH can accomplish stuff. And yet… he comes over like he doesn’t want to be alone? Or he’s too damn worried my clumsy ass will fall or drink?… it’s almost… he used to be the one asking for space, and he was direct and kinda rude about it. I should do the same, bluntly tell him. I have in the past but this time, be direct and firm.

At AA, needs to go before bf glares at me and talks to me about my phone use during AA :/

[catladyrn]

Alcohol lies to me

[catladyrn]

It’s been awhile since i posted here. Sometimes its hard for me to feel motivated to do stuff, like this. Had therapy today, was good. Awkward it feels like talking about my anorexia but it was helpful letting it out. Going to see my RSS this afternoon, not rly looking forward to it but….. is needed.

[catladyrn]

I havent been writing on this cuz its ugh its hard to do things sometimes. Depression, anxiety, life. This morning bf came unexpectedly, i love him but i want the morning to myself. Chores, errands, meditation, fucking around. There are things he needs to do as well. And usually it’s the other way around :/

Yeah, i am co-dependent. I’m trying to get better. Classes are starting soon, refresher course the fall, gonna plant flowers (petunias, zinnias, amnesia zkittles) i have so much to look forward to!

[catladyrn]

yo.

is been long, but yeah. was hard to continue doing this, pushing to doing this rn. don't want to rehash the past day-ish so i won't. bf says he's' coming at 7:30. boi, i woke up at 5:30 but wasn't able do much studying so yeah. waiting for him, otherwise using the web aayyyee

[catladyrn]

I am outside right now. He’s upset so I’m going to give him space in his house as I sit outside.

[catladyrn]

I didn’t realize how much I complain until someone points it out. I was complaining to my boyfriend about stupid shit, and he basically told me to shut up… not in that way, but he said it’s really upsetting him hearing me complain when he has so much stuff to do before we pick up our friend. he’s stressing. All I’m doing is making it worse. 

Being in a relationship sucks sometimes. I had my hair done and right next to the salon is a liquor store. I wanted to go in and buy something so bad but before I went to go to the salon, he told me to think about him before I bought it. And so I did. I want to drink so bad, but I can’t because I’m in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic even though I’m supposed to not drink for myself.

[catladyrn]

I’m getting my hair done rn. Feeled with so much emotions. I need to calm down. I need to meditate.