#they do give a 'raised by parentified sibling' dysfunction

[smilingelm]

Sighs idk im dealing with family issues and i feel like the best place to talk abt this rn is tumblr. So i hv a pretty dysfunctional relationship with my mother and its a parentified child - child like parent thing, i also have a brother who is unfortunately stuck in this family, he is depressed, a very hateful person (bc of the years of abuse) and pretty irresponsible, its understandable ig.

So my mother is in debt for around 400k and i feel in some way responsible of dealing with her financial issues bc i dont want her to bear such a great burden, when shes under pressure she lashes out and is abusive to me and my sibling. I think it will be better if I somehow manage to pay it off or at least aid her financially, but I also have my own rent to pay, so I dont know how long it will take for me to pay 400k. I know she expects me to give her 10k a month for some reason, and she believes that she did a great job in raising us, i dont really agree with it.

idk,, i just want to solve this problem, but everyone has their own hurdles and obstacles to jump over and there is a lot that i can do, but ill be too giving and too helpful to if i really did everything i can. they are family but in the end its just me dragging them out of the hole that they dug themselves in and at this point i dont find life enjoyable, i dont know how a proper relationship works without trying to bear more responsibility and helping more, if i worked harder maybe things will be better? i wish i didnt went through this in my childhood, but i know i didnt hv a choice, and uhhhh, idk sighs

she called me this morning in a hurry saying asking me what college should my brother choose, since my brother didnt do enough research when it comes to choosing between two associate degrees or something, she sweared at me and i felt like i shouldve cared more for my brother but i am in no position of bearing that type of responsibolity in this moment, with rent to pay and the house to take care of, i feel like itll be better if i dealt with this problem in primary school, i shouldve realized that itll roll into a bigger problem earlier, i dont know, im trying my best but it always feels like it is not enough, for some reason the people whom i live with is always incompetent and requires extra care when it comes to living, im tired of being so forgiving, but i feel the responsibility to care and be caring, i dont know how life looks like in their point of view, and i just wanna give up, lol

[missmentelle]

What the Hell is “Emotional Incest”?

Emotional incest, also known as “covert incest”, “spousification” or “parentification” is a certain type of unhealthy relationship that can exist between a parent and child. In these situations, the child is treated more like a “subsitute spouse”or even a “substitute parent” to their parent than an actual child. The parent’s need to have an adult life partner or a parent of their own outweighs the child’s need for an actual childhood, and the child takes on an adult role in the relationship at a much, much earlier age than is developmentally appropriate. Although this does not involve actual physical incest, it can give the child lifelong struggles with intimacy, relationships and self-esteem. 

Sounds familiar to you? You may have experienced emotional incest or parentification if:

You grew up in a family that was dysfunctional or broken in some way. Emotional incest (EI) and parentification generally don’t happen in households where there are stable, loving parental figures who have a healthy relationship between them. EI usually occurs in households where one parent is dead, disabled, incarcerated or absent, or in households where there is serious dysfunction - alcoholism, drug use, mental illness, violence, poverty, divorce or other major issues. Generally, EI stems from a parent being unable to cope with their own loneliness or with the seriousness of their circumstances, and leaning hard on their child as a result. 

Your parent confided in you at an inappropriately young age. You were treated like your parent’s substitute therapist, and asked for your input on situations that you were much too young to handle - your parent may have told you about their sex life, your other parent’s infidelity, their own experiences of child abuse, or other adult issues that you were not old enough to handle. No attempt was made to explain things in an age-appropriate manner, and you were not told these things for your benefit; your parent simply dumped their emotional issues on you, and expected you to deal with them in a meaningful way, even when you were barely old enough to understand them. 

It was your responsibility to keep the household running. Almost all children are responsible for some amount of age-appropriate household chores, like dishes and vacuuming, but you were responsible for major household tasks that should have been your parent’s responsibility. You had to make sure that there was food in the fridge, school clothes for the younger children and that someone had paid the electrical bill, because if you didn’t do those things, nobody else was going to. At an age where most children can’t use the stove by themselves, you were expected to keep the household functioning.

You had to set rules and boundaries for your parent, not the other way around. You were the one who had to lecture your parent about responsibility when they came home drunk on a Tuesday night or when they forgot to take their medication again. You had to take on the “adult” role in the relationship and beg or scold your parent into growing up and being an adult for once. Although being on equal footing with your parent might sound awesome once you are both adults, it is an exhausting thing for a child to have to deal with - you aren’t even old enough to take care of yourself yet, but you are already responsible for trying to emotionally parent a grown adult.

You may have had to physically take care of your parent. In some households, children are made to engage in something called “instrumental parentification” - this is where you are expected to physically take care of a parent. This can happen in households where a parent has a physical disability and needs their child to prepare their meals, dress them, etc, but it is especially common in households where one or more parents struggles with substance abuse. If you had to routinely put a drunk parent to bed and clean up their vomit, you are well aware of what instrumental parentification feels like.

You were given no discipline or structure by your parent. It might sound awesome to live in a house where there are no rules and you can do whatever you want, but it is actually emotionally devastating to grow up in a household where no one gives a shit if you drop out of school or don’t come home at night. You weren’t given healthy boundaries and no one made any meaningful effort to look after your well-being - if you wanted to smoke and have unprotected sex in high school, no one cared. All of your boundaries and responsibilities were things you had to figure out for yourself.

You are probably the eldest child, or the eldest child of your sex. Children who experience EI or parentification are normally one of the oldest children in the family. Eldest daughters are at especially high risk, as both fathers and mothers are disproportionately likely to turn their eldest girl into a substitute mother or spouse. There are cases, however, where a parent chooses the eldest son for their codependency; this is especially likely in families where the father figure is dead or absent. 

You raised your younger siblings. You were, for all intents and purposes, the true parent of your younger siblings. Most older siblings have to do some occasional babysitting or keeping an eye out for the younger siblings, but your role went well beyond that - you may have been the only one making sure that they were fed, bathed and doing okay in school. If you didn’t get them up and off to school in the mornings, they simply didn’t go. You probably signed field trip permission slips, made sure that everyone had clothes for school, and took an interest in your siblings’ lives in a way that your parent never did. Your parent may have kept on having kids well into your adolescence - there was an assumption that you’d just keep on raising whatever children they handed to you.

Your parent was unable to handle your emotions, so you stopped showing them. Whenever you had some kind of breakdown or emotional moment, your parent absolutely could not handle it; they were depending on you to be the “rock” of the household, and when you showed any signs of cracking, it completely overwhelmed them. They could not step up to the plate and cope with your emotions in any way; they often made your emotions all about them. So you quickly learned to push everything down and put on a brave face at all times, all for the sake of your parent. 

Your parent did everything in their power to prevent you from moving out. Your parent was likely not a huge fan of the idea that you would one day move on with your life and leave them to fend for themselves, and they may have gone to great lengths to delay it. They might have discouraged you from having any kind of independence by preventing you from going to college or having a job, or they may simply have appealed to your emotions, insisting that you were needed at home and that leaving would mean “abandoning” them. Your parent may have intensely disliked all of your romantic partners, and felt threatened by the idea that your partner was trying to “take you away” from them.

Examples of emotional incest and parentification in fiction:

Fiona from Shameless. Fiona is perhaps the boilerplate example of extreme parentification. She is the oldest daughter in a family where one parent has outright abandoned the family, and the other parent is a low-functioning alcoholic with little interest in being a father. Fiona raises all of her younger siblings and ensures that the household is somewhat functional, at the cost of her own happiness. She repeatedly makes poor decisions in her personal life, but does not have any parent around to offer her guidance.

Princess Carolyn from Bojack Horseman. Princess Carolyn was raised by an alcoholic mother, and often had to fill in for her mom at her cleaning job when she was too drunk to work, so her mother would not be fired. Her mother also tries to use guilt to keep Princess Carolyn from leaving home to achieve her dreams. As an adult, Princess Carolyn continues to be hyper-responsible for the dysfunctional adults around her, and jumps in to save them from themselves even when it harms her. 

Bella from Twilight. Bella’s parents are depicted as being flighty, irresponsible and clueless, particularly her mother, Renee. Bella expresses guilt over leaving each of her parents to fend for themselves at different points in the story, even though she is a minor and they are both adults. Even while living with her father Charlie, Bella takes over the household chores and does all of the cooking, as her adult father is unable to cook for himself. 

Like anything else, emotional incest and parentification fall on a spectrum. You may have had a parent who was relatively functional when it came to finances and household chores, but made a habit of unloading on you emotionally and expecting you to give advice on adult issues. Or you may have had a deeply mentally ill and addicted parent who required huge amounts of care. Sometimes, parentification and emotional incest are temporary things - your parent may have leaned on you to be their parent for a few years after a major upset, like a divorce, before gradually getting back on their own feet, or their functionality may have waxed and waned as they recovered and relapsed from their issues. Some people have experiencing everything on this list and more, while some may have only experienced one or two things, and only for a short time. Not two families are alike. 

It’s also important to remember that the impacts of emotional incest are deeply negative. There is a huge misconception that being a parentified child is somehow “good” for you, because it will make you wise and responsible at a young age. This isn’t actually the case; what many people see as “responsibility” is usually just high-functioning anxiety, which comes from being raised in a household where you got very little guidance and there wasn’t always a parent there to back you up if you messed up. Parentified children often get a “late start” in life, as they may continue to feel responsible for their parents well into their 20s, and their parents may go out of their way to discourage life milestones like college, independence and marriage. Children who have experienced emotional incest also tend to struggle with their own relationships as adults; they frequently have poor self-esteem and an enormous tolerance for dysfunction in their romantic partners, which can be a dangerous combination. They often struggle to have relationships without taking on codependent tendencies and placing an enormous caretaker burden on themselves, and it can take a long time for them to feel comfortable in egalitarian relationships.

There is hope for children who grew up in these situations - therapy can be an excellent tool for working past these tendencies and moving past the loss of one’s childhood. But the first step is recognizing that something was wrong. 

[dotthings]

So let’s talk about Cas’s issues, and how they hit that nerve of Dean’s insecurities. 

I feel like Dean’s personal issues get discussed a lot (by myself included), both from a Dean-positive take and from the pressure placed on this character in a more negative way. There’s a lot of expectation placed on Dean as a character and ironically enough, in that process I feel like even Cas fans don’t do enough digging into what makes Cas tick, what his weak points are, his fears, his cyclical dysfunctional hang-ups. Cas is a layered, complicated, well-developed character with a now 12 season history on the show, as a main character, even if he is less prominent than Sam and Dean, and as such this means there are flaws as well as goodness in him. It does Cas a disservice to paint him as never wrong, as never causing hurt to those he loves. I’m not speaking as a Dean fan here, but as a Cas fan, this just isn’t about fairness to Dean, I feel there is an actual imbalance in how these discussions tend to go and it’s kind of a habitual tendency in the fandom. In part fueled by the fact that Dean is so open with his feelings, shows that he feels things SO hard and so deeply, that’s the character, and that kind of makes Dean a lightning rod to talk about Dean feelings, good or bad.

Canonically, Cas tends to get less pov due to structure, when Cas isn’t in every ep of a season and where SPN structurally puts Sam and Dean as the center spokes of the wheel, no matter how near the center Cas is of that show wheel. Cas has become another core pillar--Dabb referred to Cas along with Dean as a “core character” in his pre 15.09 interview. But because logistically, Dean still carries more pov on the show, we get more looks into Dean’s mind than into Cas’s. Which isn’t as great for Dean fans as you might think because by SPN not giving more Cas pov, it’s putting more and more of the responsibility for making the profound bond work onto Dean and Dean’s pov. While Cas has contributed plenty to this rift that developed.

There’s also the thing about the fandom default perception is that Dean is repressed emotionally. Which, sure, in many respects, yeah. But not in the way it’s popularized in fandom. Dean is actually the more facile, open, raw, vulnerable in expression of his emotions, with big outbursts, of hurt/anger or softness. He goes big. He expresses. He cries easily. He doesn’t exactly hide. He wears his heart on his sleeve. But because Dean is also a character who constructed facades to survive, he puts on facades and one facade is "no chick flick moments.” A facade I’ve pointed out again and again he’s terrible at maintaining, nonetheless it is real and he can be gruff and he does at times try to hide from his own feelings, and avoid, and struggles not to say stuff and then it gets out anyway. But he’s also very openly emotional.

While Cas is actually far more locked up emotionally as a character. Far more repressed than Dean. Look at his background. Millennia as an angel. Shoved back through the angel reprogramming machine every time he displayed an independent thought. Angels have emotions. They are not unfeeling. But they are taught emotions are weaknesses. They are a taint. They are dangerous. A lot of Cas’s arcing over the past 11 years has been about learning what emotions are and how to manage them. Even if we remove that factor, Cas also has a personality of his own, as a character, and is a survivor of trauma and abuse, as Dean is. Cas, like Dean, carries a lot of anger.

Cas is impulsive. Sometimes heedless. Ironically, he often pulls Dean back from heedlessness. But he has that tendency and Cas’s heedlessness tends to result in cosmic level events (leviathans unleashed, angels falling). He has a temper. He will end you if you hurt those he loves. Cas in the past has shown a hubris about how he has to fix all the things because these frail humans he loves can’t, Dean’s “just a man,” and while Cas definitely outgrew that, there are remnants still there. Which isn’t JUST hubris. Cas, being an abuse and torture survivor, being a survivor of emotional neglect, similarly to Dean, also has, similarly to Dean, this thing about needing a mission, a purpose. He needs to be needed. And if he isn’t serving a purpose, if he feels he isn’t being useful, then he feels worthless. The Dean corollary to that is Dean’s lack of self worth in what his father instilled in him--that he has no purpose, no mission, outside of protect Sam, and the hunt.

This need for purpose and Cas’s insecurities powered a lot of his arc with Jack. Cas’s relationship with Dean evolved over time. They didn’t stay just the same. In some ways the bond equalized in good ways, but as part of that, Cas was no longer the “Winchesters’ guardian” of early Cas seasons. That role gave Cas purpose. As Cas drew deeper and deeper into the family, as his character developed and he increasingly got his own arcs, which are all good things, that also meant Cas wondered what his purpose is.

Protecting Jack gave him purpose. A mission. Someone to look after. His relationship with Dean isn’t that. That hit a height with “draped yourself in the flag of Heaven” at the end of S9. By S11 the focus shifted to Dean’s drive to save Cas. Dean and Cas’s relationship is that of peers, fellow soldiers, friends, and yes, on a coded level that’s been harder and harder to ignore in later seasons, lovers/husbands. 

Cas devoting himself all to Dean wasn’t sustainable. Just as Dean couldn’t perpetually be all about Sam, but while Dean and Cas are more peers/husbands role, Dean is Sam’s stand-in parent. Dean was parentified at the age of four. Sam as recently in 15.09 says Dean raised him. Sam knows his actual father figure is Dean, not Bobby, not John. There’s a whole lot about Sam and Dean’s relationship that made a lot more sense to me once I kept that in mind, that symbolically they were parent/child not just siblings/hunting partners. (Their codependency added another complication into the mix) That is not the relationship Dean and Cas have ever had. They are protective of each other. But it’s not a pseudo parent-child relationship. Nor are they codependent. But Dean always had a Sam, while Cas...did not have a Sam. Dean wasn’t his Sam, once he found a Dean. Dean was something else entirely. Not less, but different.

Enter Jack and while I was resistant to that arc initially, in the long game I can see multiple overarching purposes for the story. One of them is Cas’s character development. While the Cas and Jack bond isn’t just like Sam and Dean’s, and I’m not suggesting it is, it has that similar pseudo parent-child aspect. Jack is all of Team Free Will’s kid, but I think the way Jack impacted Cas’s arc made the most seismic shifts. 

The thing about this S15 rift with Dean and Cas is that it’s not really about Dean’s existential crisis about “realness.” It’s not actual about Mary or Jack or that freakin’ snake. Well, it is...I’m not suggesting Dean had no valid reason to be hurt and upset with Cas. That is real. But this was ramped up as a culmination of years of issues. It mashed Dean’s buttons so hard because these are reflective of cyclical behaviors that come from Cas and it hurts Dean every time. Underlying all that, maybe subtextually, Dean’s doubts about realness played into it here as well. But the doubts, fears, insecurities, and hurts Dean feels about Cas are there regardless. Chuck applied pressure points to hasten the rift. To rip them apart because that serves his purpose but all he did was play on their actual insecurities and feelings and then watch them dance to his tune. 

One of Dean and Cas’s issues has been things that have been there a long time, in the relationship, where Dean’s chronic issues play on Cas’s insecurities and Cas’s chronic issues play on Dean’s insecurities. There’s a bunch I could reel off. Dean’s abandonment issues vs. Cas’s tendency to keep things from Dean, not turn to Dean, not trust Dean, for one. This is something Cas has done for years, long before Jack, and it hurt Dean then and it hurt Dean now. Just for example.

I feel like what happened late S14/early S15 is that all these long running issues they never addressed came crashing down on the bond at once. 

The things that are Cas’s issues, Cas hasn’t talked much about. Cas doesn’t talk about his innermost emotional landscape the way Dean does. Sometimes he does speak his feelings, but I wish he’d do it more often. 

The things Cas has done in the past that hit on Dean’s abandonment issues all got ramped up with Jack. And it happened more than once. Why is Dean so hurt. Look at how he responds to Cas keeping things from him, or to losing Cas, or to Cas not reaching out to Dean, trusting Dean enough to go to him in the past. How hard that has been on Dean. Take your pick of plots. Cas teaming up with Crowley. Cas and the monster souls. Cas running off with the angel tablet. 

With Jack there was a string of events. It wasn’t just the one thing. This isn’t my condemnation of Cas or because I don’t get Cas’s motivations and good intentions. Or about Cas being right/wrong. Right or wrong, his actions still hurt Dean. Being a parent added such a completely new layer into Team Free Will bonds, the TFW familial unit shifted. Change can be hard on a relationship anyway.

Quick recap of the sequence of events with Cas and Jack: it was Cas slipping away from Dean as Cas devoted himself to a nephilim in embryo. When Cas bonded with Jack’s grace in the womb. When Dean said he didn’t recognize Cas. There was Cas’s belief in the vision Jack showed him. It was Kelly giving Cas a mission to protect her son. Cas, like Dean, feels a strong sense of duty. Remember Dean’s S2 speech when Sam died? How Dean expressed the depth of his sense of failure? “I had one job, to keep you safe.” And by the end of S14, Cas lost Jack. He had one job. To keep Jack safe.

Cas pretty much thinks he’s worthless without that, same as Dean.

So there’s Cas, taken by Kelly after Dean was begging him--begging him--to return to the bunker with them so they could talk. While Kelly effectively prevented Cas from taking the action he might have done of his own volition since she drove off in the Impala with Cas still inside it and he couldn’t stop the car without hurting her and her unborn child, the element of choice there is murky. But Cas did choose to protect Jack. He did choose to knock out Sam and Dean at the playground. There’s Dean, as he has in prior seasons, seeing Cas walking away again. 

Then it happens again. Cas heedlessly goes after Lucifer, when he should have waited, Cas was so focused on his Jack mission, and as a result, Lucifer stabs Cas dead, right in front of Dean’s eyes. So Dean loses Cas again, and audience gets to see Dean is utterly devastated (but Cas doesn’t). 

But then Dean gets Cas back! His big win...which Dean confesses to Sam but again, Cas doesn’t get to hear it. And then right after getting Cas back, Cas is running off again, due to Jack. Dean begs Cas--BEGS HIM--let me come along, you need backup and Cas says no. Because Cas has to fix all the things himself. So Cas gets kidnapped and locked in an angel proof cell. Dean doesn’t even know he’s lost Cas this time due to voice mimicky plot, but there it is again, Dean loses Cas, again for Jack. Then Cas keeps that detail about Felix the snake from Dean, which wasn’t right for Cas to do, to be so secretive. Whatever his intentions, no that wasn’t right, and it goes right back to Cas’s tendencies shown in earlier seasons. To fix the thing himself. Anael calls Cas on it, even. His fears. Which leads to Cas finally going to Sam and Dean with the information. Cas apologizes and confesses, explains in a rare moment of us actually getting to see inside Cas’s emotional landscape that he was scared what Jack losing his soul would do to tear this TFW family apart. What Cas would lose because of that. A hella lot of that is about Dean, not just TFW or Jack. 

None of this has ever been Cas not caring about Dean. Cas was there for Dean in S14. He fought to save Dean, first from Michael, then the Ma’lek box. But Dean and Cas don’t exist in a profound bond bubble.

Dean doesn’t even know yet that Cas sold himself to The Empty to save Jack midway through S14. Should we start screaming now?

So after Cas’s confession and apology late in S14 about what Jack did to the snake that Cas didn’t clue in Sam and Dean about, Mary is dead, because of soulless Jack, and all hell breaks loose with Jack, and Dean believes the only way out of this with soulless Jack is to kill soulless Jack. Cas doesn’t agree. Dean delivers an ultimatum, my way or the highway and who cares what you think (bad move, Dean). So to save Jack and Dean, because if Dean shot Jack with Chuck’s gun, it would kill Dean too, Cas runs off to get to Jack first. 

From Dean’s perspective he’s seing Cas’s back again, leaving him again. Losing Cas again.

Think about how this steps on the same nerves as Cas’s vanishing acts in earlier seasons, or Cas walking into the lake, or Cas staying behind in Purgatory when Dean did everything he could to save him. Think about Dean’s abandonment issues. Think about how Dean’s abandonment issues and this repeat cycle of Cas’s inherent tendency to not get that he should loop his family into things, that he can’t fix it all on his own, of leaving, even if he always comes back. And no we can’t blame Cas for the times he left when he didn’t want to, when something happened to Cas, but when he vanished into the lake in 7.01, when he insisted on staying behind in Purgatory in S8, when he heedlessly went pell mell after Lucifer--Dean losing Cas was a direct result of Cas’s choices. Where Cas put himself into a position where Dean lost him. 

This has happened again...and again. Imagine the heart-crushing heartbreaking panic for Dean during their Purgatory revisit when Cas disappeared. It’s Dean having to relive his Cas trauma. Because guess what, Dean loves Cas a lot. I don’t know how this even became in question in fandom, it continues to utterly baffle me. 

So it’s not really about Jack though. I’m not blaming the Jack storyline for this. What happened was the Jack storyline brought those issues to a boiling point. Cas’s insecurities and drive to have a mission. Dean’s abandonment issues clashing with Cas’s running off again. Repeatedly. 

What’s going to happen when Dean finds out about The Empty deal, and not just the deal itself but the fact Cas kept that, too, from him. I don’t think it will be rage this time. Not after 15.09. It will however, I suspect, be utterly devastating for Dean...maybe this time he won’t snap at Cas, he’ll just say how devastating it is, before he and Sam get to work on a solution. And Cas will have to witness how devastating it is. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer in 15.09 is such a big deal and I really really hope this hit Cas hard and woke him up to some things. Because with all of Cas’s particular insecurities, despite the fact that Dean has repeatedly shown Cas directly how much he matters, there’s also been plenty audience gets to see (Cas is family/Dean’s grief arc/Cas is a big win) that Cas hasn’t. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer here I think will change things. Cas won’t be the same. Dean won’t be the same. The bond won’t be the same. In a good way. 

15.09 didn’t feel like resolution to me, and I’m glad Dabb confirmed that in his pre ep interview. It felt like ice melting, barriers crumbling. That’s good. It’s a start. That will help them with what’s next. But they have so much to work through still. Because their problems aren’t just from recent plot events, or Chuck. These tap into some fundamental things about them each that affects their bond. I’ve been saying this since before the end of S14, this isn’t hear to destroy their bond, it’s to level it up. It’s to deepen it, to fix what’s been amiss at the root and realize it into something even more powerful.

I need Cas to speak, not just Dean. Not just for my ship but for the character, I need more looks into Cas’s inner emotional landscape and how he feels about his own insecurities and I’d love to see an equally big confession about his Dean feelings.

[portiasnextadventure]

Two Fold

Doing the Work that God asks of us. 

So while I thought I was working on one goal: To Purchase A Home. The Lord had me working on another goal, self-sustainability and true disentanglement. I have struggle over the last twenty years to walk away from my mother, not just because it feels counter intuitive, but because she really is toxic to me and those who love her. I have sought all sorts of reasons, logic, malice, for her behaviors but I can’t find a non-clinical reason which is supposed to be outside my ethical scope as a therapist. By going through two psychology focused programs, I have looked deep into the abyss and have not liked the ugly truths that have stared back at me about my family and our dysfunctional relationships, the lies we tell each other and ourselves to maintain superficial relationships with each other and the putting on of airs for others. I pride myself on being articulate, outspoke but truthful, I do my best to not speak in malice for the sake of hurt but to shine the mirror. I have always been a person to say behind your back exactly what I would say to your face and expect the same of others. I don’t tolerate gossipy, backstabbing people. Yet, my family creates the sneaky, whispering undercurrent of chatter as no one wants to wake the dragon. That dragon is Joyce. I love my mother. But she has a vicious side, she can be sweet and kind, thoughtful and loving, and the next cruel, spiteful, vengeful, seeking to harm for the sake of prodding you. I have watched her yell at others and smile in glee. Hatch plans to antagonize another simply because she has the time and she can mess with their life. It’s a sick kind of pleasure.

Meditating the last two years has really helped me clear my mind, set intentions, tap into where I used to be with my anxiety, with my sense of safety, with my sense of me. It has also allowed me to separate my knee-jerk reactions from her words and really take a moment to think about why she was saying such rude, harsh, negative, vengeful things and if it was something I was doing or more a reflection of where she was in her day, life, some experience. Sure, enough and thanks to therapy, I began to realize it wasn’t ALL me, there were things I was doing like angrily responding, giving a look, raising my voice so I had to pull in my emotions. I also started to notice what was going on in her day, in her finances/business that was leading to her being angrier, frustrated, short tempered that was leading her to being more reactionary.

It really became more apparent as I struggle to move out after getting a full-time job and started saving money, she began asking for more money despite it taking from my savings account. As I moved ahead in paying down credit card debt, she became more hostile, making more financial demands, increasing time frames for me to find a place and move out. Logic was not a factor as we repeatedly discussed the process based on the initial information I received from my credit union that a $240,000 was going to require me to have at least $12,000 - $15,000 cash on hand. I knew I could do this with savings from my monthly paychecks along with the buy pack money for my Ford Fiesta. I was also concerned that she would seek to sabotage the Ford money since she is a co-borrower and her name is on the paperwork. What do you know, the first check arrived and she refused to sign! Because she needs a car. Which I am supposed to provide because the Jetta and Fiesta were not enough for her. I provided her the Jetta at $2000 to pay off the loan, I made most of the 2014-2015 repairs at almost $2,000 from my savings but that is something she fails to count, using the statement “you shouldn’t have paid him.” So as a result of her not paying the mechanic for repairs after those she cannot go to him to get a cheap 1970s VW. She also had access to the Fiesta whenever she needed it on weekends and when the Jetta died within days, Stupid Me went and purchased my Crosstrek instead of letting her figure out her own problems.

This is the problem with being parentified. It is also the problem with knowing my other siblings will do as little as possible to assist her and are perfectly willing to not ask questions about how I am doing financially or how mom is surviving on social security and her part time job. Even when they get the dower news, they shrug it off and move on with their life.  

I know I am bouncing around here, but there is a path…So in guiding my brain through meditation and seeking clarity through medication and pray I believe I have found my answers. The books I have been streaming through Audible have been helpful Darwin’s Ghost The Secret History of Evolution by Rebecca Stott and Living a Life you Love by Joyce Meyers. (links below)

It has taken long time to get to a point where I internally feel okay walking away from my mother.

I love her. She is not capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. I am done being loved the way she feels it is acceptable to show it. It is toxic, negative, spiteful, vengeful, resentful, extremely hurtful, has lead to depression, reduced self-esteem, lack of confidence, and caused me to doubt my path. TO me a mother should be your biggest supporter, your cheerleader, yes tell me the truth but not to hurt me but to make me rise. I do not feel I rise when she speaks to me. While I understand much of what she puts out toward her children is a reflection of how she feels, I don’t want to feel that way.

As I make my way to the Living the Life I want to Love I must remove some and fully embrace others. I watched a video that reinforced that Worry is the Opposite of Faith by Joyce Meyers sharing Romans 14:23 which really touched me as I struggled with my worry over leaving her on her own. My concern that the other two wouldn’t step up to assist her. Watch here: https://www.amazon.com/Living-a-Life-You-Love/dp/B079T69F7F/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1524194807&sr=1-1&keywords=living+a+life+you+love+joyce+meyer 

 Still I Rise

BY MAYA ANGELOU

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

 Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

’Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

 Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

 Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops,

Weakened by my soulful cries?

 Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

’Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin’ in my own backyard.

 You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I’ll rise.

 Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

 Out of the huts of history’s shame

I rise

Up from a past that’s rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

 Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

 Maya Angelou, "Still I Rise" from And Still I Rise: A Book of Poems.  Copyright © 1978 by Maya Angelou.  Used by permission of Random House, an imprint and division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.

Source: The Complete Collected Poems of Maya Angelou (1994)

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46446/still-i-rise

 https://www.amazon.com/Darwins-Ghosts-Secret-History-Evolution/dp/B008ARPISY

https://www.amazon.com/Living-a-Life-You-Love/dp/B079T69F7F/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1524194807&sr=1-1&keywords=living+a+life+you+love+joyce+meyer