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bthump · 4 years ago

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I know this is very nitpicky, but what do you think is the level of awareness Griffith has during the stairwell scene? For a very calculated and rational guy like him, it's hard to imagine that he hasn't even tried to decipher where these strong reckless reactions come from. I mean... even king of denial Guts has reflected a bit on it. Enough to ask Griffith about it. I know yoy mentioned in a recent answer to an ask, that you don't headcanon Griffith as pining, so would you say that you (cont)

Would you say that you imagine that he compartimentalizes his thougts and represses to the point that he doesn't aknowledge at least to a certain extent, that his feeling for Guts are more passionate, than what he feels for other comerades. The fact that he fully realises the depth of those feelings once Guts leaves is clear. But Idk the stairwell scene makes me think that he is at least aware, that he has a bit of a crush, but choses to not give it much importance. Curious about your thoughts

hmmm. okay first off I just want to say that I can see multiple possibilities, from full on repression and denial, to recognizing his attraction but not acting on it, to knowing he cares for Guts and wants him as a True Friend(TM) but often downplaying that because he believes Guts sees him mainly as a superior officer. But yeah I do prefer the denial and compartmentalization explanation and I want to go into why, because I think it’s fun to talk about lol.

So the big reason I read Griffith as refusing to acknowledge his feelings to himself is because that’s how he deals with all his other inconvenient feelings, like his guilt and fear and the fact that he cares about the Hawks. Like eg when he tells Gennon that he doesn’t feel a single emotion about him whatsoever, or when he tells Casca that he doesn’t feel guilty over the deaths of the Hawks, I don’t think he’s just lying to them, I think he’s convincing himself too, to the point where he really believes it.

It’s sort of hard to explain how I see this working in Griffith’s head bc it feels v intuitive to me but I know that’s not the case for everyone. So yk it’s not that I think he like, eg makes himself forget that he nearly had a breakdown in a river, but I think he doesn’t ask himself why he nearly had a breakdown beyond maybe a shallow ‘sex with gennon was unpleasant and made me uncomfortable for a couple hours but i’m completely fine now’ and doesn’t think about it afterwards if he can help it.

And when he tells Charlotte he doesn’t have any friends and tells Guts he belongs to him during the second duel, I think he’s telling himself lies/rationalizations he genuinely believes there too. In fact, I think his denial of his own feelings is straight up meant to be his tragic flaw, which is why he’s only able to finally acknowledge them in the torture chamber, after it’s caused his downfall.

In the torture chamber we see him remember the face-off with Zodd and acknowledge that it was an irrational thing to do and wonder why Guts is so important to him, and I think part of the reason the monologue works so well is because it’s the first time we see that kind of self-reflection sans lofty rationalization from him, because before he ended up trapped in his own brain for a year with nothing to distract himself in between bouts of torture he didn’t really ask himself these kinds of questions. If he had, things probably would’ve gone better for everyone.

And like, I don’t think this makes Griffith less intelligent, or negates his rationality in other areas of life. I don’t see a contradiction in someone being able to analyze a battlefield or read other people well but avoiding genuine soul searching whenever possible and lying to himself a lot. I think it’s actually pretty realistic - I don’t think very many people fully understand themselves or their feelings, even really self-reflective people, and it’s very easy to rationalize away inconvenient cognitive dissonance. and I include myself in that lol.

Griffith’s life is kind of a contradiction that would really fuck him up to untangle (he sends people to their deaths to achieve a dream for the sake of assuaging his guilt for sending people to their deaths to achieve a dream), so he doesn’t try to untangle it, he avoids the question and hides behind a philosophical ideal. And his feelings for Guts add to that cognitive dissonance because if he values Guts over the dream, that kind of proves his entire defensive life philosophy is bullshit and his whole life plan is built on a precarious house of cards, so it makes sense to me that he’d avoid examining those feelings closely too.

And you can look at Guts too, who does navelgaze a lot and tries to analyze his own feelings and motivations - when he’s faced with a contradiction (I want to become independent of Griffith and do my own thing solely to gain Griffith’s approval) he actually notices it and briefly questions himself... and then he still puts it out of his mind and continues pursuing his contradictory goal anyway, and manages to stay in denial for 3 days even after learning that Griffith ended up in a torture chamber because he left.

Along those same lines, Guts eg realizes that he kills things because it makes him feel better but he doesn’t make the connection between his irrational urge to fight powerful enemies and his childhood trauma the way the readers can, the King didn’t acknowledge his incesty feelings til Griffith shoved them in his face, Count Slug kept denying having human feelings til Puck went on a tirade against him and he couldn’t sacrifice his daughter, Casca lies to herself about her feelings for Griffith for a long time before finally acknowledging she’s in love and then doubles down on her Griffith feelings when her newer feelings for Guts threaten them until she has a breakdown and admits some things to herself (I mean I find that last one disappointing lol, but it’s also a really straightforward example of someone living in denial of romantic feelings and therefore a good comparison point to show that Miura does this on purpose), etc. So I think this interpretation of Griffith is also consistent with how Miura just like, tends to write people.

Like imo Griffith has moments where he comes close to self awareness and could’ve started potentially reflecting on his feelings and coming to better, more accurate conclusions, and those moments definitely include the Zodd conversation (as well as the river scene with Casca, and “do you think I’m cruel?”) but none of those scenes lead to useful self-reflection because they all go wrong. Casca tries but fails to reassure him bc she’s out of her depth, Guts reminds him of his dream, the King interrupts their conversation and Charlotte reorients Griffith towards his goal so he can move on from that moment of irrationality and refrain from thinking about it further for a while. Even after the duel Griffith tries to avoid self-reflection by fucking Charlotte imo (”take all the sad and frightening things and cast them into the fire” ie hey girl wanna repress some shit w/ me?), and imo his previous ability to do that makes it all the more impactful when it doesn’t work this time and he breaks down.

BUT YEAH all that said I don’t think this is the only reasonable reading of Griffith’s awareness of his feelings lol, it’s just the one I like best and consider the most satisfying and interesting and fun to think about. And honestly that’s partly because I love dramatic irony and have a real thing for characters who lie to themselves, so I’m biased in favour of it too. Nothing about Griffith being good at denial contradicts the idea that he could still be aware of an attraction to Guts (in that case he’d probably just write it off as irrelevant and deny the associated internalized-homophobia-related self-loathing lol until it all pours out while he’s projecting at the King), and he could eg be aware that he irrationally cares about Guts above and beyond anyone else and just doesn’t even try to reconcile that with his dream, ie compartmentalization in another way.

But I think the idea that he only fully admits it to himself in the torture chamber is just very narratively satisfying.

#Anonymous #ask #griffguts #ty for the question and giving me an opportunity to go on about this #a #b #character: griffith #theme: coping mechanisms #theme: repression #ship: griffguts #headcanons #character thoughts #arc: ga

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firesnap · 4 years ago

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I think there are misconceptions going on about Wilbur and that “you need iron and blades” to gain power” thing -- especially after that scruff he had with Tommy yesterday. Like, I’ve seen people say it doesn’t fit Wilbur to even agree to fight, or that his last monologue doesn’t fit the character, but I think it absolutely goes with characterization we’ve seen so far.

And this isn’t a “ho ho ho Wilbur is a straight up villain” thing. I don’t think he’s a force of good or evil. He’s a complicated guy with a big self-loathing streak and a lot of talent.

Yeah, he believes it takes conflict to gain power but he never says who needs to be the one wielding the weapons. Wilbur is, canonically, a weak fighter. He’s admitted it on multiple incidents. Wilbur, in DnD terms, is so charisma based that he may as well just roll a disadvantage on combat things. So how does that align with what we’ve seen lately?

He knows how to rally other people into using iron and blades. We saw that with the War of Independence -- dude didn’t even bother wearing armor and willingly admitted he was more of a liability than an asset in combat. We saw that with the recruitment of Technoblade in Pogtopia and we saw it last night when they were touring around the SMP.

So when people are like “why would Wilbur say you need violence to gain power when he’s never used it” I’m kinda like... oof. I mean, what do you think rallying speeches like Independence or Death were meant to achieve? Like we saw in his conversation with Ranboo, Wilbur likes causes and ideals. His biggest strength, be it when he uses it for good or not, is being able to convince everyone around him to fight for whatever cause he’s promoting. You want people to not wear armor in L’Manburg? Great. Gotta have safe and defended borders first.

His other strength? Adapting how he’s talking to someone to fit what that person needs from him -- be it with speeches, jokes, monologues or whatever else. You want your protégé to start listening to you? Show him you’re willing to communicate however he chooses and that it won’t change that you’re right. He didn’t care whether he won or loss in that duel with Tommy because that’s not what the conversation they were having was about. Hell, he likely knew he would lose considering Tommy is carrying the Axe of Peace. But Tommy speaks the language of conflict, and what better way for Tommy, who struggles with speaking to Wil, to feel like he has power in a situation. Then it’s just a matter of “we’ve talked your way, we talked with swords, but you winning a playground battle doesn’t change that I know what I’m talking about.”

A lot of the debate around this seems to stem from trying to paint Wilbur as either solely a fallen hero or a straight up antagonist and neither fit hi. He was never, other than in idealized head canons and to Tommy, really either. I almost feel like this current character arc is going to be catered toward showing Tommy, and the people who see Wilbur through Tommy’s POV, the dangers of hero worship and the dangers of demonizing a person who didn’t live up to that worship.

#wilbur soot #c:wilbur soot

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hopevalley · 4 years ago

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Season 8, Episode 9: Pre-Wedding Jitters

Y’all know what’s wild? The season is coming to a close! I feel like we just got started with Season 8, and it’s already nearly over. I’m not ready for things to end...except the love triangle. Lol.

One important thing I want to talk about, before we move on to my regularly scheduled episode write-up, of course, is the quality of the writing and filming this season. I really feel like the team took a step back and thought very carefully about how to improve the show, and then they went through the effort of actively trying to improve things.

Are there still badly-written areas of the show? Absolutely. Are there things I loathe seeing? Yes. Are there plotlines that are extremely contrived even by Hallmark standards? Unfortunately there are.

But I don’t think anyone can deny that the writing this season is, overall, an improvement over Seasons 5, 6, and 7. The only thing that I feel about S8 that is worse than 5/6/7 is the love triangle, but it had to come to a head eventually so it was always going to be a point of contention among the fans.

I’ve seen a ton of negativity going around the Internet, and you are all entitled to your opinions, but let’s hold back from being too angry until we see how things will work out. After all, there is a chance, however small, that Hallmark will end up surprising us.

So here’s to hoping that the writing quality uptick will continue as we move into Season 9.

And now, our plotlines from this episode:

The Dilapidated Love Triangle

The Wedding Planning/Party

The New & Improved Henry Gowen

Miscellaneous (Car Investigation, pastor position/Jesse and Clara + Cafe, Carson and Faith, Mike and Fiona)

This was another episode that felt pretty smooth in its storytelling; it had some smaller plots going on, but two primarily large plots, a smaller one that revolved around Henry, and then a few small (connected) plots from previous episodes/that overarched the whole season!

Sorry for the muddle by the way, it took me hours to type this and I’m too tired to read it over thoroughly before posting. If you see any glaring issues please let me know so I can fix them, though!

The Dilapidated Love Triangle

Let’s just get the pig slop out of the way, shall we? I think we are all in some sort of agreement by now that we’re tired of the triangle and just want to see it resolved as soon as possible so that we can get on with our lives and invest our interests in the right place(s).

I also believe most of us are also in some kind of agreement, however we feel about the characters, the triangle, and who Elizabeth’s choice should be, that this thing has been very poorly paced. This sentiment seems to be echoed across the Internet right now. The pacing is AWFUL. After two years of almost nothing happening, now we’re going to bullrush to the end of the triangle? That’s a yikes from me, Chief. (Wait, didn’t I say that last week, too?)

I was never a fan of the narrated beginnings of episodes. I think they’re really tacky and boring. That said, there’s no other way to get into Elizaeth’s head easily because...I don’t know. Either Erin isn’t that skilled or the director doesn’t know how to direct her, or the script sucks. They struggle SO MUCH with show-don’t-tell that they have to resort to telling...which is fine, sometimes. This is an instance where telling is just mega redundant since she says the same exact thing probably 10 more times in the episode. I wish they’d have just kept the first part of the reflection or focused more on that—how Nathan talking about it...makes it feel fresh and raw again in a way she didn’t expect.

Anyway, Elizabeth writing that she’s been “left to reflect, once more, on the senseless accident that took [Jack’s] life” is ridiculous. Senseless? He was in charge of the training mission, but unless I’m losing every last marble I’ve ever had, wasn’t it Jack’s choice to go after the younger recruits who had been separated? Wasn’t it thanks to Jack’s quick thinking and intervention that only one person lost his life that day (Jack himself)?

This is where the whole “Jack died heroically” thing kind of matters, actually. Especially when you butt it up against Nathan being the original person intended to go. Would he have risked his life like that? We’ll never know, but I’m sure Nathan thinks about it a lot, and it’s not something that should be left out of this story.

It’s valid for Elizabeth to wonder why Nathan kept the Secret hidden from her for almost three years, but what is really troublesome is the weird shift she seems to have between Casual Curiosity and Stricken Grief about it.

I grew tired of mopey Elizabeth in S4 and 5, so I’m not happy to see her back. Fewer eye drops, please. -_-

Anyway, it almost felt like a breakthrough when Elizabeth asked Rosemary why she thought Nathan took so long to tell her about Fort Clay, but Rosemary’s response was so bad. “He didn’t think it was important enough.” WHAT? WHO WOULD SAY THAT? Rosemary can be a bit thick-headed but that was almost too contrived for me to willingly follow. Anyone with a brain would realize it was IMPORTANT and THAT WAS WHY IT WAS A SECRET.

And when Elizabeth’s like, “Not important enough?” BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY IT IS IMPORTANT... Rosemary just tells her that Jack’s death wasn’t Nathan’s fault.

Which. She’s right. But that doesn’t make the secret unimportant. It’s still kind of a big deal. He’s confessed to being in love with Elizabeth multiple times now. Even Rosemary can’t be so dumb that she doesn’t realize that the connection between Jack’s death and Nathan is...meaningful, especially to Elizabeth. And that Nathan knew this and couldn’t bring himself to tell her because he knew it would hurt her.

Anyway, I’m doing my best to give Elizabeth a bit of grace here, because she’s just so self-centered I almost can’t stand it. To be clear, Elizabeth has ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS. It’s just that usually the issues at hand aren’t about her, they’re about someone else.

Rosemary’s right but what she said was straight-up stupid. I don’t know, I don’t think the characters are out of character so much as the dialogue just didn’t flow very naturally and I felt like the characters were making assumption jumps to force certain responses. If Elizabeth can’t agree with Rosemary that Jack’s death isn’t Nathan’s fault, then she should have expressed that a bit more directly so that Rosemary could draw the conclusion that Elizabeth does feel it’s Nathan’s fault. It came across like Rosemary was speaking to the audience more than to Elizabeth, and I didn’t like it.

The most delightful scene in the entire episode has to go to Allie and Lucas. That was so cute and wholesome and good. Her asking if she could sit at the bar, him offering her a treat, her trying to return the gift ‘cause she felt caught in the middle and like it wasn’t fair to accept it... SO GOOD. They remembered the gift multiple episodes later AND incorporated it into this episode flawlessly. LOVED IT.

Also, she asked an important question. LUCAS...where DO YOU LIVE?!

His story was a bit silly but I actually enjoyed it. It gives him a more playful vibe and also I think was almost entirely to ensure that Allie felt more comfortable and less anxious about what was happening around her. It was also his way of reassuring her that him courting Elizabeth wasn’t going to take Elizabeth out of Allie’s life...and that things will be okay.

I enjoyed it.

Things were a bit awkward with Elizabeth and Allie but they felt...better than before, so I felt like the conversation helped.

Lucas calling Allie “Allie Grant” was nice now that her adoption is official! I appreciate that.

Elizabeth and Lucas talk about how Lucas told Allie he’ll “work things out” with Nathan and Elizabeth definitely doesn’t appreciate it, and with somewhat good reason: she doesn’t like being caught in the middle of things any more than Allie does.

The thing is...she has had the power...all this time...to tell Nathan straight-up to leave her alone/that she isn’t interested. I stand by what I said before, that she shouldn’t have to tell him no for him to respect the boundaries she’s set, but if he’s not respecting those boundaries she needs to be firm about it.

I like how Lucas comes off in this scene. He wants to understand, he listens, he’s patient, he doesn’t push. I’m here for it.

She tells him what Nathan told her and he seems a bit overwhelmed by it, too. It’s pretty clear that he realizes she must be feeling all kinds of things after finding that out, especially after all this time.

Again, for the second time, Elizabeth doesn’t seem all that grief-stricken about the secret being kept from her for so long: she tells Lucas she just doesn’t understand how he could keep it from her.

He asks permission to suss out an answer and Elizabeth politely declines and says she’ll ask herself, but to please forgive her, she needs some time to...think.

She watches Lucas go and then...touches her wedding band.

Nathan meets Rosemary in the library and goes on a long boring monologue about how he’s read like, three whole books that women wrote, but still doesn’t understand women. No shit, sherlock. That was terrible writing...just straight up bad writing.

But I’m not exactly surprised because the very next thing that happens is that Rosemary tells Nathan...she’s been in his eXACT position before!

No...you have not. Yes, you were the unwanted third wheel, but that’s where the similarities ended, and you should have clarified. This just didn’t hit well for me, I don’t know. I don’t want to say it’s out of character, but...I don’t think Rosemary is this soft gentle personality anyway. I feel like she was always a bit more in your face with the things she said, not “try to encourage a manner of action in a very roundabout way” like she is in this episode. But again, without a logic jump from Rosemary, this scene doesn’t quite work.

I think I might have preferred Rosemary to play dumb and ask what specifically he didn’t understand about women. Make him freakin’ say it. And then she could react better.

We get Love Confession #3 or whatever we’re on with Nathan, now. Let’s go over the entire scene.

Elizabeth walks into Nathan’s office and instantly asks him why it took him so long to tell her what happened.

He says he felt guilty and when she tells him she doesn’t understand, he goes on to say that after the accident he requested a transfer to Hope Valley. He never met Jack but he knew he’d left behind a wife and child, and felt it was his responsibility to look after them and protect them.

She asks why he would assume that, and he explains that he felt it was his duty. And that when he found himself falling in love with her, he felt like he was betraying Jack and his memory. That’s why he didn’t tell her.

He then takes it ONE STEP TOO FAR and says, “I fell in love with you, and I think that love is always worth fighting for.”

Elizabeth says “Excuse me,” and leaves. Nathan’s face afterward is maybe a decent mix of “I probably shouldn’t have said that” and regret, but...woof.

Anyway, I was fine with this up to the point where Nathan said, completely unprompted, that love is always worth fighting for. How does he know? What are his experiences with love? Books he read, written by men??? PLEASE.

READ PRIDE & PREJUDICE U SWINE... ELIZABETH FALLS IN LOVE WITH MR. DARCY BECAUSE HE DECIDES HE WANTS TO CHANGE AND BE A BETTER MAN AND THEN DOES SOOOOOOOOO oh wait this is turning into an Elizabeth/Henry argument...OOPS?

Anyway, yeah. Not a fan of that line. It almost feels like there’s something missing. She’s standing in front of him about to cry because she feels hurt that he didn’t tell her this, you know, crucial information, and he’s just like “Yeah I didn’t tell u cause I love you and felt like i was betraying jack’s memory and also lol love is worth fighting for babe!” What kind of confusing mess of babble is this?

Honestly, it just left a bad taste in my mouth. :( I have so many really obnoxious opinions about Nathan and what they’ve done with him this season, but I feel like I should save them for a season summary podcast or something, just in case Hallmark ends up surprising me. Right now I just feel like they really just wanted to give him what the fans hated about him (he wasn’t passionate enough, not manly enough, not forward enough with his emotions, at least from what I read on Reddit and Instagram last year), but in like THE WORST POSSIBLE WAYS and for the wORST POSSIBLE REASONS in the VERY WORST SCENARIO.

I feared that would be Nathan’s reason for coming to town from the moment the character was announced and...I wanted to be wrong.

Anyway, I really liked his self-awareness up to that point. He never met Jack, which keeps some of the weirdness at bay. Also, he felt like he needed to make sure Jack’s family was okay, and that’s fine. I wouldn’t call it noble (as Rosemary later does), but it’s not exactly bad, either. Then we got the line of him admitting that it felt kind of bad to fall in love with her. I wish he’d gone on to say that wasn’t supposed to happen, or even given her a reason he loves her (so that it doesn’t feel like we’re just being told everything), because his line about love being worth fighting for right after he says he felt like he was betraying Jack’s memory by loving her...was...really strange??? Maybe a few sentences were edited out?

Elizabeth tries to refuse to play Fiona’s blindfold game and LITERALLY NO ONE SAVES HER (though I think Rosemary considered trying). I hate the idea of this game solely based on the fact that several people participating shouldn’t even be there (Nathan, Bill, Mike, Fiona, Molly), but Elizabeth wouldn’t be able to accidentally choose Nathan if he wasn’t there, so... -_-

I think I might have actually liked this (her “no” with Carson was super cute actually, probably the cutest laugh she’s ever had on this show) if she’d had the chance to reject a few more guys on the way down the line. If she was closer to the end of the line she’d feel her options were running out and might second-guess herself. Having Nathan be the second person she touches and having her choose is...eh.

Nitpicks aside (their hands wouldn’t feel the same and she held Lucas’s hand quite recently actually), it could have been worse. At least she stated who she was searching for...

BUT UGH THE EMBARRASSMENT.

The thing that gets me about the whole scene is 100% that everyone in town would know about the Triangle drama, so it feels...weird to see everyone so gung-ho to watch this happen... I don’t know... I like having fun too, but NOBODY even TRIED to step in???

At least Lucas found some humor in it right away (he smiles).

I think I wish someone had said something. Maybe Nathan could have said, “Nope, sorry” to lighten the mood a bit? Or Lucas could have said, “Almost!” since he was standing right next to Nathan?

Anyway, we’re spared having to wait because the very next scene is Lucas checking on Elizabeth and laughing about her choice.

One line I wish they’d added in is that someone else got it wrong. Imagine if Lucas said, “At least you didn’t pick Bill like Clara did!” Or even just made a joke about it in general like: “Of course I’m not upset. But if you would have picked Bill I might be a little hurt. My hands aren’t that old yet.”

Elizabeth tells him that she spoke to Nathan about the whole...thing and it was awkward. She chooses to not tell Lucas the rest of the reason Nathan gave, but instead only admits that he told her he loves her again. When Lucas asks what she said in response she said she didn’t say anything.

Lucas seems...a trifle upset at this, and understandably so. I think he can sense she’s...not really a sure thing and is worried about it. :( I feel so bad for him right now.

Rosemary stops by to see Elizabeth after Lucas leaves, and tells her she ran into Nathan at the library yesterday. Elizabeth tells her what Nathan said in his office and Rosemary says it was noble and selfless of him.

(I mean...it wasn’t selfless. Like at all.)

Elizabeth says she never asked him to be noble. She didn’t ask him to fall in love with her, either.

She asks Rosemary if she encouraged Nathan’s feelings for her at the library. Rosemary says no, but Elizabeth asks again and she interrupts her to ask Elizabeth if she’d rather hear what she actually said or just assume.

Rosemary goes on to say that she just wants what’s best for Elizabeth.

And we get Elizabeth asking how anyone would know what was best for her.

I mean, that’s like 90% on you for not communicating with your friends, but also, it’s 100% on you for just assuming you knew what Rosemary said to Nathan. I think she’s just looking for a reason why Nathan is being so persistent and in her mind encouragement from someone else is the only thing that makes sense, ‘cause she sure as heck hasn’t been encouraging him herself!

This hurts Rosemary’s feelings, probably because she was about to say that she wants what’s best for Elizabeth so she asked Nathan to stop getting in the way lol, and says maybe she should leave (since Elizabeth is in a bad mood). Elizabeth agrees she should go.

End episode. On this note. Woof.

Overall it wasn’t too bad I guess? But I’m not a fan of how some of this was written. It really felt like they cut lines out to make the episode shorter, when...they could have cut out one of the boring side plots. You know. The entire thing with Jesse and Clara, for example.

The Wedding Planning/Party

I admit that I got a little enjoyment out of Florence saying no to all the dresses. Highly relatable.

Then, at the barbershop, Fiona says the exact wORST possible thing about Florence wanting a hairstyle that’ll “knock Ned dead” FLHDSFAJDSA.

Florence goes on to say she wants anything but “ordinary Florence” and Molly steps in.

Honestly, I wish they’d just let Molly stick to being Florence’s BFF because that’s the role she plays best. Also, I’m almost sad Florence and Ned got together because it means #teamflomo is no mo’. :(

Paul shows up...

I don’t know what I expected but this boy would have been a literal BABY in season one, which makes the whole thing with Florence almost sadder AND it gives Florence more in common with Elizabeth (widow with a young child) BUT I HAVE OPINIONS.

I know what you’re thinking. “Manna, you always have opinions!” Yes, you’d be right.

They based this off of ONE (1) line of dialogue that Florence had in S1 when something was stolen from her house. She says, “while my child slept nearby” or something like that.

They brought a child in...for that? On one hand...I’m impressed.

On the other hand, I kind of had just assumed they’d retconned that and that Florence had no children (which is why she was always goofing off gossiping with Molly) so I don’t really know how to feel about the whole thing.

Rosaleen starred in an episode and never showed up again after S1, so I think I’d have preferred to see her return instead of a child we literally never laid eyes on. But he’s a cutie. And he’s named after his father just like little Jack so...I’ll take it!

The party begins and we have to do “the men are stupid and don’t know how to plan” again which is really annoying. The highlight of this entire thing was Ned saying (about his hairline) that he’s been driving with the top down since his 30s. I respect you AND ONLY YOU, Ned.

The party continues on and they play charades. Rosemary chose weird awful options that don’t make any sense and are hard to act out. Ned’s could have been funny but the one Bill got is just...so weird.

The funniest part about it is looking at everyone staring at Molly as she guesses it.

I think it was supposed to be...cute? Or something? It was just really weird for me.

“Cuddle up a little Closer, Lovey Mine” (yes, it’s “lovey” not “lovely”) was written and recorded in 1908. You can listen to it here. Lyrics here.

They then play the Most Awkward Game Ever, one that would have had me sweating bullets if I’d had to play it. Florence has to find her man by only holding the hands of the other men.

As Fiona says, it’s a bit...risqué, but Florence rejects Jesse quickly and finds out the second man is Bill by squeezing his hands too hard.

Bill explains that his arthritis is flaring up and of course Sara and I jumped on that almost at the same moment:

We like Bill. :P

And then Florence correctly guesses that the next man is Ned. It’s very wholesome and sweet.

But then it’s Elizabeth’s turn because I guess she’s not been traumatized enough this episode. I covered that in the triangle part of the plot, though.

The New & Improved Henry Gowen

We start off with a BANG here with Henry and Christopher. Christopher misses Rachel because he’s a twitterpated little FOOL and he tells Henry all about it...while Henry sees Bill tearing apart the stolen car in the distance.

He asks Christopher how he got to Hope Valley from Hamilton and Christopher just straight up comes clean about it: he drove a stolen car that his buddy stole.

Henry scolds him a bit, tells him he can’t borrow a stolen car, and explains that he doesn’t want Christopher to end up like him. Christopher seems kind of surprised by this and says, “You turned out good.”

To which Henry replies, “The jury’s still out on that.”

Christopher says he’s done with that kind of thing, and Henry tells him he believes him.

Honestly, Henry’s “I believe you” got to me. It sounded SO genuine. And also, can I say YET AGAIN that this kid was an impeccable choice to play Henry’s son? WOW. I can’t get over how much alike they are even in mannerisms and looks.

But THEN when Henry tries to say Rachel has something to do with Christopher being done with that old lifestyle, Christopher tells him “And you” AND I ALMOST LOST IT. SOOOOO GOOD. Henry goes on to explain that “long after” he divorced Christopher’s mom, he met Abigail, who saw the potential for goodness in him. And that he can’t help Christopher be a better man because he’s still figuring that out for himself, but if he thinks Rachel can help him, he should do what he can to not lose her.

Later, Henry invites Christopher to Ned’s party and Christopher declines but asks what happened to the woman Henry mentioned earlier—Abigail, of course. Henry says she left town to help her mother.

Is this a...hint of things to come? I’m...not sure.

Henry sits down for two seconds before Lucas asks to speak with him outside. Once there, Lucas admits that he contacted Christopher. This is one of the most contrived plotlines we’ve had in a bit, if only because I just can’t figure out how Lucas would have known who Christopher was, let alone whether or not he would be useful? He doesn’t even have the same last name... I mean, what, did Henry write in sparkly gel pens or something?

But for some reason he contacted Christopher to come work for Henry to keep an eye on him. He’s not proud of having done it, which makes sense. I guess I wouldn’t be either.

Henry’s upset about it. Lucas tells Henry that he took advantage of him and that he had to make sure Henry could be trusted.

Christopher doesn’t know that Lucas told him, though, and Henry asks that Lucas keep it that way.

It makes Christopher’s behavior with Lucas make more sense (when he kept trying to push him around earlier this season), but the timing is just...awful? Maybe talking to Elizabeth about Nathan’s secret made him feel guilty about his own? I’d buy into it more if I felt like there was a really compelling reason for Lucas to feel that Christopher would do any good...but it’s just too contrived for me.

Christopher randomly decides to go to Bellingham to see Rachel. Henry tells him not to make trouble if her parents ask him to leave. Henry makes to leave, and Christopher stops him.

I CANNOT SING THE PRAISES OF THIS SCENE ENOUGH. Christopher tries to tell Henry about the thing with Lucas and Henry’s like...you’re different now, you’re starting over it doesn’t matter anymore!!!! Everyone deserves a second chance!

AND THEY HUG AND CHRISTOPHER TELLS HENRY HE LOVES HIM.

They almost got me to cry. ALMOST. I refuse to cry at this show because I refuse to give Brian Bird the satisfaction, but boy oh boy was this close.

Henry responds with a “me too” and makes Christopher promise to write. Then the stage leaves and that is that.

The rest of the storyline for Henry is under the car investigation. They’re related but...only intertwine at the very end so I separated them. ;)

Miscellaneous (Car Investigation, Pastor Position/Jesse and Clara, Carson and Faith, Mike and Fiona)

Car investigation: Nathan starts this episode off on the wrong foot. I think that was...a mistake. THAT SAID...I’m relieved Bill isn’t being written as a complaining whiny pile of trash for once, so I just want to say that...they had to realize after last episode the fan opinion of Nathan would be...not great, so mayyybe they shouldn’t have started this episode off with him literally complaining about doing his job...while he’s in uniform no less. Also he has NO PASSION at all for his job, or for investigating, which I hope means he’ll end up quitting the Mounties. (It could be a hint of things to come...I hope.)

I mean, does he think Bill got his position for...no reason? Also, thank God Nathan turned down the promotion to Inspector if that was how he was gonna treat actually doing the work?? I’m pretty sure this is their idea of “humor” but boy did it fall flat after the love triangle mess that’s been going on.

The owner talks to Nathan on the phone later and is coming from Hamilton to get his car. Nathan seems to be telling Bill this to discourage him from wasting his time investigating, but Bill doesn’t want to stop lol.

Ned’s comment from the party about his hairline being him “driving with the top down” gives Bill an Idea in the middle of the bachelor party and leaves. Ned looks shook that he produced An Idea.

And follows. Ned is absolutely adorable as he assists Bill. They should interact more?? Long story short, Bill figures out that the top was probably up when it was being transported to Hope Valley (as you wouldn’t want people getting a good look at your face if they’re looking for a stolen car), and finds a footprint in the removable top.

The next day, Bill approaches Henry up at the oil derricks and comments on the fact that Lucas told him that Christopher checked out of his room at the saloon. Henry is up front and honest about where Christopher went, and says he went to Bellingham to see Rachel Thom.

He says, “You know how it is. You love someone, you’d do anything for them.”

The one interesting thing about this comment is that...no, Bill does NOT know. He’s never admitted to being in love in his life. He married Nora, but that was out of obligation (something he makes clear several times). Like, he obviously cared about Nora, but he wasn’t in love with her.

Obviously he’s loved someone enough to do anything for them (his son), but considering he’s dead, and possibly died in a really traumatizing way considering how it’s portrayed, that seems a bit...insensitive. :P

Bill counters it with, “Almost anything, maybe.”

He then goes on to tell Henry he found a footprint in the stolen car.

And he just. Kind of. Gives Henry. A look. Because he knows exactly who stole the car, he just has to prove it.

Henry stops Bill and says: “A while back I remarked about how you had never solved the mine disaster. Perhaps if you and I get together, I might be able to help.”

Bill doesn’t say a THING...he just leaves. But he looks kind of...put off by the whole thing.

Like he knows what Henry is doing.

Do you know what Henry is doing?

Anything.

For someone he loves.

(Pst. That someone is Christopher.)

As soon as Bill is gone, he picks up a pair of shoes and throws them into the fire.

I think it’s pretty clear that Henry is using this mine disaster thing to protect Christopher, and he’s doing it for this reason WAY MORE than he’s doing it to come clean and be a better man. That’s just my theory, though. I think if Bill hadn’t found anything out about the car, then Henry wouldn’t have brought it up.

But I guess he knows something. The question is...what? And also, when did he mention Bill never having solved the mine disaster? I’m really struggling to remember Henry ever saying that to him, at least not recently. Does anyone recall offhand?

Anyway, I’m wondering if they’ll tie up that whole thing about Noah and Peter that was never addressed on the show to the fullest. You know, the whole thing with them going into the mine knowing it wasn’t safe and not warning anyone. I think a lot of people who watch this show have never been in poverty or lived paycheck to paycheck, but sometimes a person just has to put their head down and keep working even when it’s not safe, because they have to keep living. Or because they had more time to put a stop to things before anything bad happened.

I think blaming Noah and Peter as much as Henry is pretty stupid, but they still shoulder some blame. They were working to fix that problem. Henry wasn’t. He did what he was told and shut up. But maybe there��s a bit more to that story. Could be interesting.

Could also be the worst reveal ever, so...who knows? I’m curious to find out.

BUT ALSO what do they mean Bill didn’t solve that case? The widows sued and won. Sure, he got beat up in S1 carrying evidence out of the mine, but it’s not as if there wasn’t a lot more of it inside the mine, too. Everyone knows the fault of the collapse was due to working conditions being unsafe. What’s left to solve? Is Henry going to give Bill the names of the people who told Henry to keep his mouth shut?

Or...are they talking NOT ABOUT THE HOPE VALLEY MINE DISASTER, but the original one that sent Henry to Coal Valley (and Nora into a marriage with Bill)? Because that one was not solved. The company just made Henry a scapegoat in that case.

THE WAIT TO FIND OUT MORE IS GOING TO BE TORTURE.

Pastor Position/Jesse and Clara + Cafe: I enjoyed Minnie in this episode and seeing her step in and help Clara and become part of the town was great. Jesse giving more credit to Joseph than Lee was pretty funny, and a nice set-up for Lee realizing that Joseph is a pastor. Lee is apparently head of the search committee to find a new pastor...which...sure...okay. Also apparently the newspaper died?? Uh.

I’m kind of hoping Rosemary’s new passion will be the newspaper since she’s supposedly going to dig her nose into things next episode and she used to write a column for the old paper (so she has some experience). Thoughts on that?

Anyway, Joseph agrees to pastor the church instantly the second Lee asks...so it feels weird that his original goal/plans/whatever just...don’t matter anymore? Okay.

They buy a bell.................WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY BIGGEST PETTY COMPLAINT OF THE EPISODE. BRO THAT BELL STRAIGHT UP LOOKS 3D PRINTED FJLKDSAHFLDSAHFLDSAHFKLDSA

Anyway I’m teasing. The Liberty Bell weighs a little over one ton, and two horses could easily pull that.

No complaints. My husband complained last week that there wasn’t a bell and now there is. It’s like he knew.

Joseph talks about what a “calling” feels like (I think this will come back again with Rosemary which has me VERY HAPPY): a tug on his heart.

Joseph also tells Lee that the men in his yard earlier were surveyors and that he won’t move, at least not far, because he has a congregation to lead, now. Makes me wonder if he’ll actually sell!

Anyway, Jesse and Mike are cute pals and decide to have a snack in the cafe while the gals are socializing with Rosemary (who has just returned from the library).

Rosemary’s books are on land acquisitions, surveying, and territorial law.

Minnie and Rosemary decide to talk about this while Clara leaves. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe just ‘cause it was boring lol.

She gets back as Mike and Jesse are talking about, uh, her, actually, and Mike asks if all is quiet on the homefront.

Yes, it is. Unlike the trenches of WWI.

But seriously I thought it could be a joke reference to “All Quiet on the Western Front”...a WWI novel. Since...you know...WWI is going on and hasn’t been acknowledged at all even though it’s almost over now.

Joke’s on me, though...that’s too advanced for Hallmark.

Anyway it’s only quiet for like two seconds, because Clara busts in, thinks they’re eating the food she’s been busting her ass over for the party, and yells at Jesse. It makes everything awkward. Jesse simpers about like a sad little clown instead of trying to be understanding. Yawn. Awful. Bye.

I don’t know what would fix that scene, but I think part of the problem is...I’m just not invested in Clara and Jesse anymore. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect them to need more time to get over the problems in their relationship but I don’t care about them enough to care about the journey...if that makes sense. I’d rather watch Bill dust for prints on the car some more.

They do have a chat, and work things out, so that’s good I guess.

Carson and Faith: Carson has officially stolen the dock from Abigail and Frank, and so my hatred for them doubled instantly.

Me, a territorial loon: THAT SPOT IS NOT YOURS!!!!! FIND YOUR OWN!!!

Anyway Carson makes things awkward and then busts out that he accepted the fellowship without talking to Faith.

She’s kind of hurt by this?? UNDERSTANDABLY?? But then he asks if it would have made a difference. I mean, common courtesy would be at least sitting down like this and telling her, “I’ve decided to accept it.” But no. He just. Accepted it without telling her he was going to. Bro...

They aren’t on the same page for even two seconds. He tells her he was committed to the relationship and put all his plans aside so that she could be happy.

Honestly, as much hate as Nathan’s getting right now, if people gave a damn about Faith I think Carson would be getting his fair share of hate, too. What a jerk???

He goes on to say it wasn’t a waste of his time (when she asks), but never bothers to tell her more or to prove he didn’t feel that way (BECAUSE HE SURE ACTS LIKE IT WAS A WASTE OF HIS TIME). He just says he hopes she changes her mind and comes with him to Baltimore.

At the party Carson and Faith go outside to talk where Carson admits that he should have told her he was accepting the fellowship before he wrote. She tells him that the year she was gone was almost too much time apart for her, and Carson promises to write her and tells her she can visit him, too, but she brings the conversation back to reality. They’ll both be super busy.

He suggests they get married, and then immediately says he’s not asking (it’s not how he’d propose), but that they could look forward to getting married. (Good thing they laughed ‘cause I sure wasn’t. It was super awkward...) He suggests seeing how they feel in about a year. (Oh...perfect timing for...next season...hm.)

Faith tells him she loves him and wants what’s best for both of them, even if that thing isn’t them being together. They agree to just enjoy the night and worry about the rest later.

Anyway, I feel like these two just have NO chemistry (they’re worse than Bill and Molly in my books). I really appreciate the attempt to give them meaningful material, and I like that Carson has a passion again, but boy oh boy are these two hard to watch. The plotline is really good, but the characters just...aren’t great. I figured if anything they’d give a plot like this to AJ and Bill to tie that up (some kind of conflicting reason she can’t stay in Hope Valley to be written off the show for good) so I was surprised to see it going to Carson and Faith instead, but like...in a good way because it’s actually compelling for their situation! I've been in a similar situation and it feels REALLY BAD to like someone a lot but not be ready or willing to commit to an extreme for whatever reason. Faith doesn’t want to go to Baltimore because she loves Hope Valley and she undoubtedly doesn’t want to see it go without a doctor at all. Carson likes Hope Valley but his passion is in surgery and he can make a huge difference in a big hospital. He could still make a difference in Hope Valley, too (undoubted he’s the only surgeon for many miles around these smaller towns) but he also likes hospitals and their equipment and maybe misses what he had a long time ago.

So it’s a great plot. It’s compelling. It’s even a bit tragic when you think about it!

But my God do these characters just...not come off as convincing. :(

Mike and Fiona: The scene with Ned was SUPER cute. Genuinely funny. Mike asking Fiona out. Everyone teasing Mike about how much he likes her. It’s very cute and wholesome. So far I enjoy it a lot. There’s not a lot to talk about here but I like that it’s...simple.

I MEAN...she’s so cute.

END THOUGHTS:

I want the next three episodes right now immediately, but I’m also going to be pretty sad when this season ends...I think.

The biggest speculation from this episode, by the way, is that they’re opening things up to write Abigail back onto the show. How do we feel about that?

Any other thoughts? Favorite scenes? Share!

#when calls the heart #long post #analysis and meta discussion #character studies and information

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esseegg · 5 years ago

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egg theory.

this occurred to me after i saw leaks from Ch. 290 of the My Hero Academia’s manga. it’s not really a theory, just speculation.

warning: contains manga spoilers, Dabi, the Todoroki family, and suicidal implications.

another warning: my thought process is very lengthy and a tad repetitive for the sake of evidence in reasoning. i also get a tad bit “Let’s see what’s in Dabi’s head today” at the end. writer instincts.

I don’t have any images of the manga to pull from, nor am I going to bother with grabbing them. This is more of a psychological analysis, anyways.

For those who’ve read the manga’s most recent chapters, or perhaps even stumbled upon manga snapshots of Dabi, we’ve all noted a few trends: Dabi’s uncharacteristic smile and his uncanny, ecstatic hysteria. At first, we believed this to be a result of potential grieving for Twice’s death and/or the anticipation of finally facing off with Endeavor (for the last time, per se) and/or the thought of seeing Endeavor finally being crushed by Shigaraki’s current rampage.

However, upon seeing Ch. 290′s leaks, I don’t quite believe in such speculations. If anything, these possibilities are not alone. In general, the leaks contain these things: a confession to his mother and the consequent reveal of his Todoroki identity to both his mother and his father.

Setting aside Rei for now, most people have interpreted these details as signs of a final showdown between Dabi and Endeavor. I don’t discredit this. That idiot can’t waltz in with that much drama and not expect a fight in his head.

My problem with all this is that, as we’ve noticed, this energy is entirely opposite of what usually defines Dabi. Dabi is stoic. Dabi is cold. Dabi is not one to go searching for the limelight. Granted, there are a few exceptions to this, but none alike Ch. 290. Here, and as of recent chapters, his carefree attitude is unhinged, fueled by a thrill, an anticipation, a blind excitement, and pure, raw joy.

Now, let’s factor in Rei again. Rei received the news in clearly a much calmer, civil, more sensitive format. You see his body language, and you can see that there is a tenderness in posture alone. He doesn’t even try to put up a front with his expression. It’s plain and simple: a broken, irreparable son giving the last sliver of good he can offer to his mother... The truth.

In summary, Dabi has displayed two things: the giving away of something precious (his identity, tied to his goals and crimes and ongoing life) and blind elation. Most interpret these things as a complex display of vengeance, built atop the foundation of a still human heart. Now.. I do believe the man has a heart. He is certainly human. But humans are scary sometimes.

I don’t think Dabi expects to live. I think he expects to die on that battlefield when he confronts his father. He might not expect to go any further than that. He gave some sort of solace to his mother (as nice as it might’ve been to think him dead, rather than a lost criminal), the possibly last precious person to him in this life.

When suicidal people have finally made the choice, the plans, the preparations for death, they become happy. It’s a misleading thing, actually. They give away what’s important to them, spend a little more time with whoever is most precious to them, then they move on.

I don’t believe that Dabi is looking to die. However, his life’s purpose, which he had been building up to for who knows how long, has finally fallen into place. Once he witnesses or reaches a certain point, I don’t think he will have any complaints about death. And that scares me.

Think about it. His acclaimed ideology is a replicate of Stain’s. Aside from hero society being absolute filth, he believes that if one person has the will for it, they can inflict the change they want to see in the world. And quite frankly? Dabi is very well-equipped for such a thing.

He is a confirmed Todoroki son, son to society’s Number One Hero. Endeavor’s career, fame, prosperity is all at its prime. In public, at least. And Dabi knows this.

Dabi is arguably a perfect candidate to change all that, to inflict the destruction on the world that is his father’s dream. It’s that very dream that chained Rei to Enji, that gave birth to four children, that gave three of those four children complete neglect from their father. That dream, as we all know, has finally been recognized. Without the children. Without the mother. All Endeavor needed was the fall of the great All Might. Now, Endeavor is at the top. And the only direction you can go, after you’ve reached the top, is down.

I wouldn’t put it past Dabi to label himself the manifestation of his father’s corruption and mistreatment of the family. After all, what’s more life-shattering than the Number One’s son turned criminal, killer, and conspirator against society itself? What’s more slandering than the knowledge that the son was not born this evil? That it’s the father’s fault for planting the seeds of long-awaited vengeance?

What’s better than the disgusting climb for morals and virtue, as your old man tries to cry out heartbreak over what you’ve become? What’s better than being the one to kill him? What’s better than forcing him to mayhaps kill you by his own hand? What’s better than letting him know that this is a part of his past, his regrets, his guilt and grief and self-loathing, that he’ll never be able to redeem, fix, and glorify? What’s better than maybe... exposing your old man for what he really is?

Dabi doesn’t necessarily need to do it himself. He just needs to walk up on the stage that is the battlefield, wash his hair dye out, do a twirl, and reclaim the name he had left for dead. Shout it to the world. Go on monologues and maniac speeches for all the heroes to hear. Let them know what Endeavor’s done to his son, to his wife, to his children, to innocent people he didn’t view as humans, but as stepping stones to a dream he didn’t even attain with integrity.

It doesn’t matter who dies. It doesn’t matter who lives. As long as he gets to crush his father’s world, to inflict the change he always wanted to see... he’s happy. Truly, blindingly happy.

disclaimer: i have no idea what the leaks say, only that Dabi’s shirtless and a little dramatic. all my reasoning is based on recalled information, with no check for accuracy. i’m just scared that Dabi is going to canonly die, and the fandom will need to collectively feed itself with coping mechanism fanart and fanfics to pretend our burnt chicken nugget is still with us. have a nice day.

#bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha 290 #mha 290 #dabi #dabi my hero academia #touya todoroki #egg's thoughts #i'm probably an overthinker but i just think this train of thought was cool #i've already thought of counters to prolong Dabi's life for at least one corn chip's worth #but meh #the egg's gotta hoard a little

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someoneoffthestreet · 5 years ago

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Fruits Basket 2x08

“Kagura, when will you stop playing pretend love?” oooooohhhHOOHOO

Kagura’s mom has the good sense not to want her daughter anywhere near Akito. In this house, we stan good and loving Sohma parents. Kagura’s mom officially makes the list.

In which Kagura says what we’re all thinking deep down, and her mother has been having to deal with this Kagura’s whole life.

Tohru keeps trying to internally monologue but Hatori and Kyo ain’t having it.

Shigure and the audience want to know what Akito said to Yuki last episode. Shigure and the audience are going to have to hold their horses.

(I just made myself laugh. I’m tired, don’t look at me.)

Also Akito is denied further Haru privileges I have decreed it.

Tohru and Kyo’s first attempt at a sand castle is just as successful as every attempt I’ve ever made in my entire life.

“Does this make me your sempai?” “Sempai, you suck at this.”

Momiji: SCREW IT THIS IS A PRIVATE BEACH AND I’VE BEEN SPENDING THE TIME I SET ASIDE TO BE WITH TOHRU VERY MUCH NOT BEING WITH TOHRU THIS VACATION SUCKS AND I’LL HUG HER IF I WANT TO.

I love this moment between for many reasons, such as Yuki genuinely laughing like that, that was wholesome oh my heck. But especially because- Haru just spent his day locked in a room with Akito, who was sitting there telling Haru how “funny” Haru was and how he’s the laughingstock of the Zodiac. But here, Haru gets a genuine laugh out of someone he actually cares about, and it’s- worlds away from his time with Akito.

Yuki has Changed. It’s palpable. Everybody can see it. Everybody can feel it. He’s growing too powerful. Who will stop him.

RIN DARLING MY LOVE PLEASE DON’T WALK ALL NIGHT YOU ARE INJURED THAT’S BAD FOR YOU.

Villain Explains Evil Plot to Loyal Underling, Loyal Underling Innocently Pokes Glaring Hole In Evil Plot, the scene.

(But yes, please guess at how delighted I am that it’s repeated through the episode that Tohru isn’t alone because Kyo is by her side.)

“Is it fun to be with a monster?” .......Well, Kureno? Is it? (Sorry that was an easy one I’ll stop.)

Tohru to Kyo, not one minute later: “It’s more fun when we’re together!”

Cat Lore, Cat Lore! Every new piece we get about the Cat and its place within the Zodiac just informs us more about who Kyo is and why he’s the way he is. The story goes to great pains to show us that no Zodiac’s life is a picnic by any stretch of the imagination, but there’s something especially dire about the Cat’s situation, what with the second, monstrous form held at bay by a rosary supposedly made from human bone and the looming, ever-present promise that you’ll be locked up and thrown away at some point in your life. Yikes.

...Look, I don’t have very much to say about Kyo and Tohru’s time on the beach together, they’re ADORABLE and I LOVE THEM and these scenes hold a very soft and special place in my heart, ok?

Yuki spies on Akito and Kureno spying on Tohru and Kyo having a good time. Spy-ception.

Even nature wants Tohru to stop internal monologuing. LET HER SELF-REFLECT.

Rin: *transforms in front of Tohru* Tohru: uh-oh I’m reconsidering my sexuality.

I love this moment when Rin goes too far with Yuki. Like, in the manga I initially thought it was Rin kind of realizing that she crossed a line? But I’ve been finding lately that the anime has a way of making things hit me harder than they did in the manga, and there’s something about Yuki’s non-reaction- like Rin hit Yuki somewhere that should’ve hurt, and I’m not saying it didn’t, but Yuki doesn’t give Rin the reaction she was probably looking for and it clearly startles her? Idk, idk...

SHIGURE, I’M WITH HATORI ON THIS ONE, YOU’RE ENJOYING THIS TOO MUCH.

Spoilers under the cut.

Of course Rin has such a big problem with Kagura’s behavior towards Kyo. Rin knows better than most the damage love in pantomime can do.

"So Kureno, you’d better act as a proper Zodiac member. You’re substandard, so I’m worried.” Two things: First, obvious one being referenced to Kureno not really being a Zodiac member anymore, kill me. Second, how she talks about him is painful enough, but throw in the Tohru parallels and how at her dad’s funeral his relatives called her “plain” and how she was “no consolation” and now I’m FURTHER SAD.

I have so many thoughts and feeling about Kyo, I am that Jane Austen quote “If I loved you less, I could talk about it more.” Just, um! The careful construction of Kyo as a character! How he talks about the nature of sacrifice and how Kyo HIMSELF is kind of the sacrificial lamb of the Zodiac! Kyo sees the unfairness of him living his day-to-day because of the sacrifice of a human life long ago, but on the flip side of that is his own self-loathing and the thought of why HE deserves to live at the expense of others, even though others live at the expense of HIM, and round and round it goes. And add in that flashback to the aftermath of Kyoko’s death and Kyo’s failure to save her and AAAAAUUUUUUUUGHHHHH.

Rin’s rage after meeting Tohru! She tried so hard to avoid this meeting! She tried so hard and it happened anyway and she’s compromised! Just from that meeting she’s compromised! RIN DARLING DON’T DO THIS ALONE YOU DON’T NEED TO DO THIS ALONE.

Once again, I am not ready. I’m not ready. I think of that piece of the flashback we got this episode and that we’re going to get the FULL THING NEXT EPISODE AND “MY PRECIOUS...” AND I’M- I’M!!! GOODBYE FRIENDS I’LL SEE YOU ALL IN THERAPY.

#in which I ramble #Fruits Basket #fb manga spoilers

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transmascfrankiero · 5 years ago

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um thoughts on hamlet?

i’m sobbing thank you and i’m sorry in advance because this is going to be LONG

so my hottest take on hamlet (i have many, many hot takes on this play) is that ophelia’s suicide was a hoax, and that gertrude, the queen, straight up murdered ophelia instead. why do i believe this? many reasons:

1. throughout the play, gertrude and ophelia have almost no relationship in terms of interaction between them. many, if not most, stagings of the play place ophelia and gertrude on opposite sides of the stage when a scene has both of them in it, and gertrude’s dialogue toward and about ophelia heavily suggests that she doesn’t really care for ophelia at all. at best, she tolerates ophelia, and at worst, she treats ophelia like an interloper in her court, a flighty girl who drives her son to distraction and has as much to offer to gertrude as her father. (gertrude’s famous line, “more matter with less art,” is an annoyed outburst directed at ophelia’s father polonius, whom gertrude outwardly loathes.) in ophelia’s last scene before her death, she appears to have lost her mind to grief in the wake of her father’s murder, and wanders through a royal meeting handing out flowers and singing. however, she gives gertrude fennel and columbines, which represent adultery in flower language, and TELLS GERTRUDE AS MUCH, TO HER FACE. in case you’re unfamiliar with hamlet, one of the big conflicts in the play is that gertrude, hamlet’s mother the queen, married claudius, the king’s brother, approximately thirty seconds after the king died and there’s a rumor floating around court that they were hooking up LONG before hamlet senior fell victim to the classic poison-in-the-ear trick. (later it’s confirmed that claudius himself was the one who murdered the king. whoops!) so ophelia accusing the queen of adultery is of course a HUGE slap in the face, and ophelia only gets away with it because ~~~she’s mad with grieeeeef sob cry~~~ which is GENIUS and i have more theories about that particular action on ophelia’s but that’s another post for another day.

2. ophelia dies offstage. she is never seen or heard from again until her funeral in act V. the only reason we find out about ophelia’s death - and in fact, the only way we know how she died - is because gertrude tells us about it. yes, gertrude, weirdly enough! gertrude gives a monologue which describes in excruciating detail exactly how ophelia died, right down to the kind of plants that were getting caught in her dress as she drowned and what songs she sang as she slipped into her watery grave. the sort of details you would only expect a person who was there to witness the death could provide. sketchy, right? what’s even sketchier is that gertrude makes no mention of having heard this from someone else. she’s not like, “oh, this is the hot village goss, take a sip babes,” she doesn’t offer any explanation at all as to how this information got to her. she just dives straight into her ultra explicit account of the drowning. SUPER weird! and furthermore, why is gertrude of all people the one giving us this information when there is clearly no love lost in their relationship? couldn’t this have come from one of those rando shakespeare characters who show up for one scene, deliver a message, and then vanish again? well, sure, but it didn’t. it came from gertrude. and that was intentional on shakespeare’s part - he wants you to be suspicious of this information, beCAUSE...

3. the play itself tells us that the conditions of ophelia’s death are VERY SUS. the very next scene after gertrude’s macabre monologue is act V scene I, wherein two gravediggers are preparing ophelia’s grave for her burial and discussing between themselves why they’re preparing for a christian burial if she killed herself. (in shakespeare’s time, suicide was a sin, and people who committed suicide weren’t given proper burials because of it.) the dialogue goes like this:

GRAVEDIGGER 1: Is she to be buried in Christian burial when she willfully seeks her own salvation? (translation: Why is she getting a proper burial if she killed herself?) GRAVEDIGGER 2: I tell thee she is. Therefore make her grave straight. The crowner hath sat on her and finds it Christian burial. (After examining her, the coroner said she should get a proper burial.) GRAVEDIGGER 1: How can that be, unless she drowned herself in her own defense? (So what, she drowned in self-defense?) GRAVEDIGGER 2: Why, ‘tis found so. (That’s what they said she did.)

the text here indicates loud and clear that something about ophelia’s death is complicated, enough that there’s DOUBT about it being a suicide. and what’s more, there’s so much doubt that her death was a suicide, she gets to be buried for real in the eyes of God. but the text does not explicitly state what, exactly, is so weird about ophelia’s death. it just wants you to know that the whens and wherefores about it are strange, and that characters who are not emotionally involved believe it’s strange, too. it doesn’t stop there, either! the priest who’s going to perform the funeral ceremony says, in as many words, to the royal family, “Her death was doubtful.” interesting!

4. gertrude has this TOTAL crocodile tears thing going on at ophelia’s funeral. after spending the entire play openly disdaining ophelia as a silly little airhead, here’s what she has to say at her grave:

GERTRUDE: Sweets to the sweet. Farewell! I hoped thou shouldst have been my Hamlet’s wife. I thought thy bride-bed to have decked, sweet maid, and not have strewed thy grave. (I thought I’d be covering your wedding bed in flowers, not your grave.)

kind of a weird, sudden change of heart for her to have about ophelia, right? you could argue that it’s grief-driven, that people gain new perspective after someone dies and maybe she’s just now realizing that ophelia was really a great person all along. but given just how few fucks she gave about ophelia when she was alive, it doesn’t make sense for her to be sad after ophelia’s death, unless she’s being performative about her grief. and yeah, she’s the queen, people are paying attention to how she reacts to shit and therefore on some level everything she does is performative, but it’s in particular how she relates her grief back to ophelia being her son’s girlfriend that gives me pause, beCAUSE...

5. there is, of course, that whole Oedipal reading of hamlet, where the reason hamlet and gertrude’s relationship is fifty shades of fucked up is because they’re sexually attracted to one another. while this reading of hamlet is mostly a freudian analysis that is treated as a sort of embarrassing joke nowadays by scholars and theatre folks alike, when you read the scenes between hamlet and gertrude - in particular the famous closet scene, from which the bulk of this analysis derives - you DEFINITELY get the sense that this relationship is weird and toxic for reasons that have nothing to do with the fact that gertrude married hamlet’s uncle. gertrude is really, really, really wrapped up in her son. but not in a loving, maternal sort of way - instead, it comes across as a narcissistic parent desperate to understand why their child has not turned out exactly the way the parent wanted them to be. gertrude continually accuses hamlet of acting out of pocket specifically to hurt her, and does not consider any other motivation for his actions. when he acts out of turn in court, it embarrasses her. his strange behavior reflects poorly on her as a mother and as the queen, and she doesn’t like it. she has a nervous breakdown over it in the closet scene, where she basically begs hamlet to be normal for her sake.

now with all of this in mind...

i believe gertrude, having gotten fed up with her son acting Weird and making her look bad all the time, decides that in order to exert SOME means of control over the situation, is going to take it upon herself to eliminate anything that could be the cause of his bad behavior. and the most obvious cause, at least to her, is ophelia. why would gertrude believe this? well, in act one, polonius encourages ophelia to break up with hamlet, because he’s worried hamlet’s gonna steal his daughter’s virginity (which, gross, but whatever, we’re not here to talk about that today). because ophelia’s an obedient daughter, she does so. then, in act two, ophelia runs to tell her father polonius about an encounter she had with hamlet in her bedroom, where he did a bunch of weird creepy shit and then left her a letter that expressed how desperately in love with her he was. polonius decides that hamlet’s gone nuts because ophelia dumped him, and the two of them tell the king and queen about their theory. claudius asks gertrude if she thinks the theory holds water, and gertrude responds that it might. later on, in act three scene one (i.e. “to be or not to be”), this theory is apparently confirmed - at least to polonius and gertrude - by the way hamlet treats ophelia.

so, the very first theory posited to gertrude about why her son’s acting weird is that it’s because of ophelia. and we’ve already established that a) gertrude doesn’t like ophelia, and b) gertrude is a narcissist. she’s desperate to make hamlet stop his bad behavior and therefore stop making her look bad. the worse hamlet’s behavior gets, the worse gertrude’s desperation gets to stop it. and everyone else in this play solves their problems with murder, so it tracks that gertrude would solve her problem with murder, too!

gertrude killed ophelia hoping that it would make her son would go back to normal. (and, if for some reason you like the Oedipal reading of hamlet, it could be argued that she was also jealous of ophelia. but i don’t really love the Oedipal reading, so i’m choosing to ignore this argument.) the fact that ophelia was apparently insane at the time just made it easier for her to make up the suicide alibi. that’s why she knows so much about the circumstances surrounding ophelia’s death - because she was THERE and she CAUSED IT. that’s why shakespeare has gertrude delivering the news of her death. that’s why the play tells us, repeatedly, that the circumstances of ophelia’s death are suspicious. because ophelia didn’t drown herself. gertrude totally straight up drowned her!

thanks for coming to my TED talk everyone

#hamlet #this is a full on ESSAY #i even cited the text

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erekiosuncreativeideas · 5 years ago

Text

Reliving An Old Nightmare - Chapter 12

<= Chapter 11

Summary : Snatcher and Vanessa have a conversation, featuring someone else. Also available on AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/22337299/chapters/55902100

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SORRY FOR POSTING LATE. I was *so* stuck with this chapter that it gave me a writing block and an art block for 2 weeks! Of all the chapters that I had to write and plan to write in the future, it definitely was one of the hardest.

Thinking about writing Vanessa's and Snatcher's conversation was really stressful to me, and, well... I procrastinated on Animal Crossing.

Then I started another AHIT fanfic which helped me to regain my inspiration, but, well, I'll keep this one as a secret for now until I write more of it :)

Please don't hesitate to leave a like or reblog this chapter, as it really has been hard for me to write, more than any I've written until now for this fanfic I think. Thank you in advance !!

Also, no drawing for this chapter, because, well... You know how I have this habit of splitting chapters into several parts when I end up writing too much for a single chapter? Welp, this happened here. So the drawing I had made for this chapter will eventually be used for the 13th chapter, sorry ! I really wish I could have drawn something, but... I didn't know what to draw and I didn't want to make you wait longer, so... Have a drawing-less chapter !

Happy reading !!

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Chapter 12

Snatcher had come to think that humans were fragile little creatures. They were so weak, so easily afraid… Animals with a conscience, driven by instincts and stupid emotions. With shaking knees, they would beg him to spare them, to let them go, but the ghost always killed them afterwards. Listening to their pleas, to their death screams… Sure, the first souls he had snatched hadn’t been for pleasure, though he eventually got used to it. He even got to find it fun! As they always say: time and trauma really do change people!

Humans had distinct signs of fear: rapid breathing, heart pounding inside their chest, sweat all over their face, muscles completely frozen, shaky limbs… He had seen all kinds of reactions from his victims! At this point, one could say he was an expert on that topic. After all, not only had he killed many people after having stolen their souls, but he also murdered them using various and imaginative methods! Thrown into the swamps, blown up by his lasers, drown, hanged, split in two (that one was always fun), and many, many other types of death. Well, he did have to occupy himself during his long and boring afterlife!

But, for the very first time, at that precise moment, he felt exactly like the people he used to kill.

Panic had engulfed him whole, as Vanessa was leading him by the hand through the corridors of the manor. She was in front of him, pulling him faster and faster as seconds passed. Or maybe it was his imagination? If it was, the coldness of her hand certainly wasn’t. Vanessa was clearly mad at him and even his dumb old self would be able to see it. It was obvious: her body was tensed and she was using more strength, as if she was pulling a child somewhere to punish him. Well, it wasn’t very far from the truth, really.

They went through the different floors, and Snatcher could only be relieved not to be taken to the cellar again. Maybe he was going to have a bad time, but at least, it wouldn’t be down there. Every cloud had a silver lining! He was being positive, here!

The ghost’s fear was soon replaced by confusion, as Vanessa stopped in front of his own bedroom. Why? The shade was almost expecting to be locked up in the attic at this point! Would she really just let him go back to his room without doing anything else than actually talking? He couldn’t believe it. There had to be something.

The Queen opened the door with a smile and pushed herself on the side to let him come in first. With great suspicion, Snatcher complied and entered the room, still staying very much vigilant. Vanessa was vicious, he knew that very well. He couldn’t take the risk of underestimating her or whatever she had planned for him now. His movements were slow and careful and his ex followed him into the room before closing the door behind her. Instinctively, Snatcher stepped away from her, not liking the idea of being alone in the same room as her. It made him feel rightfully quite nervous.

Vanessa dusted her dress a little bit as silence settled between the ex-couple. The ghost gulped down with difficulty, as he could only wait for her to decide what to do next. Eventually, she pointed to his bed, still smiling. However, Snatcher knew her well enough to understand that she wasn’t sincere.

-“Why don’t you sit down, dear?” she asked, in the nicest voice possible. But her eyes weren’t smiling and the sound of her words burnt like poison entering the shade’s ears. It sounded fake.

The ghost’s stance remained defensive as he slowly shook his head, frowning. He really didn’t like where this was going. It was way better than being shackled on the cellar’s wall, obviously, but that didn’t mean he would accept everything in comparison.

-“I’m fine standing up, thank you,” he replied, in a much harsher tone than what he first intended. He was still afraid -who wouldn’t be in his shoes?- but he had a lot of unfinished business with that awful woman.

The Queen’s smile wavered for an instant and Snatcher didn’t need to see more to know that he had annoyed her. Well, retorting always upset her in the past: it wasn’t much different now. Vanessa had always been hot-blooded, anything could get her angry or upset. Not being given what she wanted irritated her, not being able to do something exasperated her, and not being obeyed to made her mad. Especially if her Prince was the one to disagree with her.

-“I wasn’t asking,” replied Vanessa coldly. It contrasted even more with the fake smile on her face.

Snatcher understood quite fast the threat hidden in her answer: if he wasn’t going to sit down, she would make him. And honestly, he didn’t want to try and test her patience, even more when he knew how irritable she could be when things didn’t go her way. Silently and reluctantly, the shade complied once again, not without glaring at her in the process.

He hated her so much. He hated how selfish she was and had always been to him. He hated the very idea of having been in love with her in the past. And he loathed the fact that he could die a second time because of her.

He waited, knowing quite well that Vanessa wouldn’t appreciate him interrupting her one more time. Usually, Snatcher didn’t care about people’s feelings, especially Vanessa’s, but since he was now a mere mortal against someone who had mastered ice magic… He didn’t feel confident enough to put up a big fight.

Plus… He needed all possible chances to find that Time Piece, and creating problems wouldn’t help him in the least. If he wanted to get out of here as soon as possible, he had to put his pride aside. Yet, he absolutely loathed the idea of submitting to Vanessa, even just for a while. After everything she did to him… And kept doing, considering the position he was in at the moment, he wanted nothing more than to strangle her and kill her for good. Twice.

-“Now…” The Queen’s voice cut his inner monologue short and he got his attention back on her: “Where were you today?” was the first thing that came out of her mouth.

Snatcher felt all the muscles of his body turn cold as soon as the words came to his ears. He had expected that question, yes, but it was always different to imagine a situation and actually experiencing it. As for where he was, well… He definitely had no intention of mentioning the kid nor her spaceship in any way. So he could only come up with excuses and hope for the best. But, deep down, he was worried and rightfully so: Vanessa always knew how to tell if he was lying or not. Sure, Snatcher had become better at it with years of being dead, but so did she.

He really was nervous, and keeping a straight face in front of his murderer was far from easy:

-“I went for a walk after the argument with my parents,” he answered with the most neutral voice he could make: “Am I not allowed to do that?”

His ex’s smile widened in return, though Snatcher could tell that it certainly wasn’t a good thing. The way she was looking at him was enough to inform him that she was growing impatient and exasperated with him. She probably saw through his lies right away, just like he feared. But it didn’t change the fact that he absolutely could not talk about the kid. Not to her.

-“Oh, you are, you are!” she replied with a sweet voice, joining both hands together as she continued: “But I have to admit that I have some doubts.”

There it was. Snatcher gulped down in a way he hoped to be discreet, but he knew better.

-“With your broken leg, and the other one being quite injured as well… I have trouble imagining you going very far, especially for a whole day! Don’t you find it strange as well, Alistel?”

It was indeed very strange. Finding a reason for such a long absence, especially with how painful walking was to him… He had to admit that his excuse wasn’t a good one, to begin with. However, that didn’t prevent him from retorting, lifting his hands as he spoke again:

-“Well, it’s the truth. What do you want me to say?”

His attitude must have annoyed the Queen a bit too much, as the smile finally disappeared from her face. It was replaced by a much more serious expression that didn’t reassure Snatcher at all. She stepped closer to him, shortening the distance between them.

-“I know you’re aware of what’s going on,” she murmured, her eyes fixed on his. She stopped just in front of him, while the ghost’s breath got stuck in his throat. He didn’t like where this was going and he disliked the look on her face even more. Before he was able to move, she gently put her hands on his shoulders, forcing him to remain where he was. Snatcher’s entire body froze from the contact and his heart skipped a beat. He felt like a bucket full of cold water had just been dumped right on him.

He was terrified. As much as he wanted to scream at her, doing so while she was so close to him, when she was much more powerful than him… His mind wanted to fight, but his body turned a deaf ear. Snatcher wanted to tell her to let go of him, to go away… But he couldn’t. No sound came out of his opened mouth.

All he could do was to listen, as she continued, this time with a nicer tone that felt strangely more sincere than before:

-“I know you…‌Remember,” she started again, lightly digging her fingers in the shade’s shoulders, who was completely unable to move at that point: “And I know you might still be mad at me for what happened… But you left me no choice!”

Snatcher frowned: what did she just say?

He didn’t have the time to ask her that as she kept going, not letting him the time to interrupt:

-“I may have overdone it, yes… But you were the one who cheated on me in the first place!”

Snatcher couldn’t believe what he was hearing at that moment. Was she seriously trying to defend herself for having murdered him? She couldn’t be that stupid, could she? Though, the sincere expression painted on her face was enough of an answer to him. She was convinced that everything that had happened was his fault, not hers.

She was exactly the same as before. She had never changed in all those years. She was still the same old Queen that never wanted to admit being responsible for a problem. She had never regretted what she had one to him or to all the Subcon villagers, even the children. All that mattered to her was her own happiness, no matter what she had to break or destroy to obtain it.

The ghost had never wanted to kill her so badly in his entire life and afterlife combined.

-“Are you being serious right now?” he finally replied, with a very dangerous tone.

Vanessa remained stunned for a while, probably not expecting that kind of response from him.

-“What do you mean?” she asked, confused. She then placed both of her hands over her heart and continued, offended: “Of course I am! You can’t have forgotten what you did to me! You broke my heart and flirted with… With that woman!”

Snatcher’s brows rose as his anger was becoming more and more palpable as time passed. So she was being serious, and he wasn’t even surprised. A dense feeling of hatred engulfed him as he glared at her.

-“I broke your heart? Excuse me? You broke mine!” He was so outraged by what she had just told him that he couldn’t help but stand up, forcing her to step back. Words were leaving his mouth on their own, as if finally, he had the chance of getting everything out of his chest: “I was buying you flowers! Because I was in love with you! And what did you do when I came back with them? You locked me up in a cellar and left me to die! And I’m the one who broke your heart? Please, stop, you’re making things worse for yourself, here.”

He stopped, catching his breath. In front of him, Vanessa was silent, unmoving, as if she was still processing what he had just screamed at her. She seemed astonished and Snatcher quickly understood why: he had never raised his voice against her like this. She did. That was certainly why she was so surprised. But soon, her bewilderment was replaced by fury, as her brows frowned and her face became redder and redder with anger. The air around her suddenly became much colder and the ghost could see the tip of her hair turning black. Her eyes were turning red and she was glaring at him in a way she had never done before. She was livid.

-“You’re lying! You never loved me! You played with me!” She suddenly pointed an accusing finger at him: “You went to see her today, didn’t you?”

Snatcher’s face grew pale. Did she know about the kid? He gulped down with difficulty.

-“What are you talking about?” he questioned, trying to look ignorant enough. But his ex wasn’t buying it and the ghost jumped when she screamed once again:

-“That florist!” Ice spread on the ground around her as her voice resonated in the room and probably in the entire manor too. “Anger” wasn’t enough to describe her state of mind at the moment. Her hair was becoming blacker as seconds went by and she seemed out of breath, as if, just like him, she was getting something out of her chest: “I’m giving us the chance to get things right, to erase your past mistakes, and that’s how you’re thanking me? You ingrate!”

Snatcher was well past simple “anger” as well the second she pronounced those last sentences. She couldn’t have said that, she couldn’t be that stupid… But here she was, telling him how she was doing the right thing, like she was the mature adult in this story!

What a joke.

-“You? Doing the right thing?” He stepped forward, making her back away once again: “Don’t make me laugh,” he responded, in the most spiteful tone he could manage.

The shade then pointed to their surroundings:

-“You think this is real, Vanessa? You think you’re doing me, us, a favour by doing this? Well, newsflash! You’re not! And you know why?” Vanessa remained silent, though returned him his glare, as he kept going: “All of this is fake! It doesn’t exist! It’s an imitation of the past! Don’t tell me you actually believe this is real.”

-“You’re lying,” she simply answered, as serious as he was a few moments ago. She was clearly displeased and in denial. She always has been, in the end. This was what had led him to his first death and what would lead to their second one if she continued to remain so stubborn.

-“Oh, I’m lying! I’m always lying, that’s what you think, isn’t it? Well, guess what? I never was! And what I just said? It’s true! Not only everything here is fake, but it’ll be gone in a few days, and so will we! Great way to make things right, Vanessa!”

He clapped his hands sarcastically to emphasize his last sentence. The movement seemed to be the straw that broke the camel’s back, as Vanessa snapped once again. She came back right before him and grabbed his hands to stop him from clapping again. The contact of her gloves against his skin was awful to Snatcher. Her icy hands were a clear sign of her fury. It was so cold that it hurt.

-“You’re lying, you’re lying, you’re lying!” yelled Vanessa, as her hair was now almost completely black and getting sharper, the same way Snatcher’s spectral form became when he was extremely furious: “How would you know?! I did this, not you!”

Because of the pain on his wrists, Snatcher had to clench his teeth not to whine. He still managed to let out a few words, trying his best not to show himself weaker than he already was:

-“Don’t… Don’t tell me you haven’t seen those white cracks appearing out of nowhere!”

As if the words had a special meaning to Vanessa, she suddenly loosened her grip on his wrists. Her enraged expression changed in a blink, replaced by something akin to realization. Her face grew almost as pale as Snatcher’s and she let go of his hands, still keeping them in the air, shocked.

She had seen them. That was what it meant.

-“Those are not… That’s not what he-” she stuttered, looking elsewhere as an inner fight seemed to be going on in her mind. Snatcher, however, didn’t miss the very important blunder she just made in her attempt to retort something.

She had just said “he”. For the first time in days, he had a concrete clue about the mastermind behind what was happening.

Apparently, she noticed her own mistake and immediately put her hand over her mouth, as if she wanted to silence herself. But it was too late. Snatcher needed to know who that “he” was to her, and also to him.

-“Vanessa. Who’s ‘he’?” he interrogated her, feeling that this was definitely a trail he needed more details on.

The woman simply shook her head silently, refusing to answer him. Though, it really wasn’t enough to stop the shade from wanting to know more. What did stop him, however, was a knock on the door. Both he and Vanessa turned in its direction.

“Well, what a lucky interruption…” thought Snatcher, while glaring at the door. With a quick “come in!”, he allowed the person behind the door to enter the room. Unsurprisingly, Simeon was the one to come in, closing the door behind him. The butler was standing up straight, as usual. In comparison, what was weird was the way Vanessa’s face became paler than it already was. She instantly looked the other way, like a child caught in the act.

“Wait…” Was she reacting this way because of Simeon’s apparition in the room?

Snatcher didn’t have much time to wonder any more on the question, as his inner monologue was cut short by the older man:

-“My apologies, your majesty,” he started, bowing slightly in front of the ex-couple: “I needed to tell you that the doctor is on his way. If you’d like, Prince Alistel, I had someone prepare a bath for you. You must be really tired.”

The man was smiling, but contrary to all the other times the ghost had seen him smile… Something felt wrong. His happiness seemed just as fake as Vanessa’s one a few minutes earlier. Then, there was her reaction to him… It was extremely suspect and Snatcher started to think again about his previous hypothesis. Was the mastermind Simeon? Could it be possible?

But why? It didn’t make any sense! Simeon was dead even before the rift was made! And the hat-wearing child had been very clear: Vanessa couldn’t have been the one to make this time rift. But then… How?

Snatcher didn’t understand, yet… He definitely had the impression that there was something he wasn’t seeing. But it was there, and his ex’s reaction was one of his biggest clues, along with her previous blunder.

Simeon’s stare made the ghost strangely ill-at-ease and, for a reason he couldn’t explain yet, he felt the need to run. But why? Simeon had been the family’s loyal butler! Though, then again, he had been the butler of Vanessa’s family. Not his. And if his hypothesis was right, no matter how far-fetched it was to him… Well, it was best to be extremely careful. Especially if the mastermind was clearly more powerful than the Queen herself.

Snatcher finally nodded and put a fake smile on his lips.

-“Yes, you’re right. I am quite tired,” he declared, moving towards the door. As he passed next to Simeon, he thanked him for the bath. The butler’s smile widened as he replied:

-“Oh, you’re welcome, my Prince. If you need anything else, please tell me, I will do everything in my power to help you.”

-“I will, thank you.”

Snatcher left the room and closed the door behind him. Once he was alone in the hallway, he felt like a huge weight had been removed from his shoulders. He couldn’t tell why exactly, yet he knew that this had to do with what had just happened. Why did he felt this way? Why did Vanessa have reacted so badly? He hated to be in the dark like this, especially knowing that he and the kid had a countdown problem. He didn’t know exactly how much time they had left. The brat had told him “a few days”, but it wasn’t very precise.

Plus, if Vanessa had also witnessed time anomalies… Then, it meant the rift was probably more unstable than what they first thought. They needed to find that Time Piece, fast, and preferably without being caught first.

Instead of leaving to the bathroom like he should have done, he kneeled in front of the door, sticking his ear on the door. If he wanted to be sure about his hypothesis, there weren’t many other possibilities. It’s not like he could ask Vanessa, or even ask Simeon directly! He wasn’t a moron and definitely didn’t have a death wish.

Silence greeted him for a few seconds. At first, he believed that the door was too thick to let sounds go through. However, just as he was about to stand up, he caught up a muffled voice through the wood:

-“You really do not understand, do you?”

Snatcher’s body froze, as he realized that this voice wasn’t Simeon’s nor Vanessa’s. Then who was talking? It was masculine and its intonation had been disapproving. The voice was peculiarly soft and not really deep. In any case, it was a voice the ghost didn’t know. Who was in the room with them? Everything was so much more confusing now!

He frowned and kept listening, trying to find other clues useful to him. Vanessa’s voice was quick to reply to the stranger:

-“I-I’m sorry, I tried to stay calm!” His ex sounded really distressed. The shade never heard her sound like this before and it actually made him feel nervous. If someone was scaring Vanessa, while he did not… Well, this was not good for him and the kid.

Who was that guy?

-“I find it quite weird that you choose to use that excuse again,” retorted the voice, threatening.

Silence ensued and Snatcher remained completely unmoving as he waited for the others to talk again. It didn’t last very long but it truly felt like hours to him.

-“You know,” continued the stranger, “after I decided to help you, I think I made you promise to keep your anger under control. Tell me, do you remember that?”

The spirit could tell very easily from the tone of the voice that it wasn’t really a question.

-“Yes… Yes, I did.”

-“So… May I ask you what you do not understand in that simple request? Because I would gladly explain it to you again.”

The threats were absolutely not hidden anymore now. Damn, that guy truly had threatening potential! In any other situation, Snatcher would have felt something akin to jealousy or admiration, depending on the person speaking, but in the present… He felt as much threatened as Vanessa, perhaps more, since she had powers to defend herself while he did not.

He forced his mind to focus on reality when he heard Vanessa apologize:

-“I’m sorry. I promise I’ll be more careful.”

-“This is exactly what you promised me this morning and yet, you still managed to reveal my existence to him just now. What a shame.”

Snatcher’s eyebrows rose: did that guy just got Vanessa to apologize to him? What was he using, witchcraft? Both in his life and afterlife, Snatcher never managed to get a sincere “I’m sorry” from her! And that stranger got her to say those words just like this? Seriously, who was that guy?

-“Please do not make me regret helping you. We still have much to do for your dream to come true. Do not waste the chance I am offering you.”

-“But…!”

Snatcher stuck his ear to the door even more, extremely curious about what Vanessa was about to say after that kind of threat.

-“He- Alistel told me that this isn’t real. That this world will disappear in a few days…”

-“Oh please, are you believing him more than me?” answered the voice, outraged: “I offered you a way to go back in time, to erase what went wrong, and you would rather believe him? The man who cheated on you? Vanessa, dear, you really are hurting my feelings.” He paused before continuing: “If there is anyone to trust here, it is me. You should know that by now.”

Snatcher was instantly filled with absolute fury at the stranger’s affirmations.

“This guy…!” The spirit had never cheated on Vanessa! She was the one who went crazy and murdered an entire village! How dared he-

The ghost suddenly realized that if he stayed here any longer, he would be found out very soon. The conversation seemed almost over now, and this was his chance to leave before being caught. He did get all the information he needed to prove that Simeon was implied. Though… Did that mean that “Simeon” wasn’t really him? That someone was impersonating him? This was all Snatcher could think of.

He quickly stood up, as silently as possible, and walked away fast until he hid behind a corner. He waited for a bit and, after a few minutes, finally saw Simeon walking out of the room. Vanessa was coming right after him, looking at her own feet. This was really a weird sight to Snatcher. Normally, it would make him laugh, but now… It only meant that whoever was working with Vanessa was much, much more dangerous than her.

“Who are you…?” he wondered to himself, as he stared at the back of “Simeon”, who was walking towards the stairs, followed by Vanessa. Once the ghost was completely alone, he tried to relax his body, which had been tensed for quite a while.

Whoever was that guy… He and the kid would have to be really careful from now on. The sooner they left, the better.

Snatcher frowned and finally looked away from the staircase. Well… Now, he had a bath to take. Maybe it would help him to understand better what was happening in the dark.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

WHO THIS STRANGER MIGHT BE, HUM....

I hoped you liked this chapter ! Please tell me if you did, it really helps me a lot, you have no idea. I work a lot with motivation and I get writing blocks when I become hesitant about my stories. Even comments with a single emoji help, I assure you.

I hope everyone is doing well with everything that is happening around the world right now. Please stay safe, don't take risks. Good luck to everyone, I think we all need it with the sanitary crisis going on.

See you in the next chapter !

And if you want to support me in the meantime, you can watch an ad on Utip. Thank you!

Chapter 13 =>

#A Hat In Time #Reliving An Old Nightmare #RAON #snatcher #vanessa #fanfiction

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painfulstitches17 · 6 years ago

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Keep it slow (Bandit x Jäger)

It was an early morning back in Germany, air cool against his skin, the sun was slowly rising in the horizon, on a road cutting through fields in the middle of nowhere, some place near Dusseldorf he had never encountered. The wind made the leaves dance high in their branches, catching Marius' attention. Did everyone experienced the world as vividly as he did ? The countryside had always been a favorite place of his despite his love for machinery, a way to flee the painful city. Working on motorcycles and cars in a wooden barn around his hometown at sixteen was part of the best days of his life, surrounded by the quiet greenery and the random chirping of passing birds. He could think there, nothing to bother him for hours on end, nothing to crowd his mind. He'd lay down in the grass after a while, looking up at the blue sky. All kinds of books would await him in the evening, helicopters remaining his wildest dreams. The only compensation was to help the old man lending him the space, he sometimes missed those simpler days when things got ugly.

"Do you have any data yet? I'm lost on this fucking map."

Dominic "Bandit" Brunsmeier, his best friend. They've known each other for a few years now, Dominic liked to keep to himself and it had been difficult at first but the ice had melted between them. Now Marius couldn't imagine a life without him in it. The older man hadn't got it easy, a drawn out undercover mission that left both physical and psychological scars, losing his family in the process. The way he talked was akin to dark humour, cracking up jokes to tell the other how he felt, what he had done. Marius didn't always get it but he tried. Dominic was no-nonsense when it came to his work and Marius liked it, focused on the task at end just like he was, if not slightly enjoying it sometimes. They got along well.

So well that Jäger realised he had fallen in love.

Talking about cars and motorcycles, the later being of huge interest to his best friend, even going as far as to work on Dominic's one together. Going on small trips with the rest of the GSG9 (or not) around Hereford, engine roaring, Marius' hands firmly in place on Dominic's sides as they enjoyed the adrenaline. The long hours of doing nothing but being in each other's company, nose in books, watching TV, hands tinkering with objects. The way Bandit could make him focus on days when everything was too much too quickly, when he felt like he couldn't escape the noise and surrounding blur. Marius felt comfortable when Dominic was by his side.

Until he didn't, until Smoke was in the picture and Bandit started talking about past lovers and soiled sheets, until he heard details of tongues in intimate places and mouths full of hot, sticky love, until multiple partners at once were mentioned and how nothing could top off such experiences, how he had lost himself in random bathrooms knees on cold floors too busy doing something else rather than watching the movie on the screen, stranger's hands in his hair and a will to forget everything else. Until he said he wasn't certain he could love someone ever again. Maybe it had to be expected, he was scarred so deep he feared being burnt again.

They have seen each other crying in the middle of the night, uncertainties, fears, traumas, pain, nightmares, words soothing but wounds never healing. When Marius wasn't joyful and gentle he was distant and anxious. When Dominic wasn't confident and mischievous he was depressed and self-loathing. Countless nights were spent with a hand around Marius' arm, resting on his stomach or holding him in his sleep to make sure he was still there and breathing. Countless nights where long gone names resonated off the walls, be it from untimely death or abandon. Countless nights where Dominic would look at him like he didn't believe Marius was still there by his side, realising it had been a nightmare all along. He couldn't blame him.

"Not yet, maybe we should get going, it's stressing me out."

Despite all of this... He couldn't let it go. The blond hair split by a mysterious scar, trimmed beard, brown eyes and hooded lids always on the lookout, pink lips on which his name sounded ten times softer, the tattoos which he thought were over the top but wouldn't question, the outside showing danger but a heart twice as big as he let on, hunched over the hood of the car now and cursing at the paper map threatening to blow away with the wind, the glance he just gave him screaming it'll be alright'. Nothing could make this sliver of hope go away when he looked at Dominic.

They finally arrived after an additional half an hour of struggling to get ahold of Marius' uncle and rolling around the neighborhoods, the rented hall finally revealing itself outside the city. It looked inviting surrounded by trees and other greenery, the large window panes giving them a glimpse of the upcoming chaos. Marius wasn't that fond of family gatherings.

The Streicher way consisted of family and friends getting together for a day, usually during summer, an abundance of food, people, children and music, all of which had a way to wear him down after just a few hours. He always found it funny how his line of work broke him less than these events, still, he wouldn't miss it if he could make time for it as he liked most of these people. Dominic had long been adopted by them so he agreed to join and be somewhat of an emotional support. Marius knew he also craved these sorts of interactions having no family members willing to talk to him left, they complemented each other's needs that way.

The first few steps inside were just as expected as the noise reached them with full force, children running around, different smells mangling together and worst of all, the addition of a dancefloor and its accompanying DJ. Bandit seemed to have spotted the buffet but stopped himself in time to realise that maybe he should greet everyone before indulging. Gluttony incarnate, Jäger thought.

It was hot inside, Jäger had long since lost Bandit who knows where, though probably close to the buffet. It was time for a break outside away from all the noise, children were playing out there but he could live with it for now. It had felt like an eternity, answering questions over and over from everybody under the sun, most of the time having to repeat himself, again. He took a seat at the furthest part of the venue's garden, bathed in the sun and surrounded by magnificent pink rose bushes. It was nice being around people he had spent his childhood with for a change. A soft breeze against his cheeks reminded him of his adolescence again, the choices and missed opportunities. Overall, he was happy, wasn't he ? As happy as could be when you suffered from PTSD and mild injuries, sure, but happy nonetheless. He had found another part of his family with rainbow, one that could surpass his expectations, one where he didn't worry being himself. He loved his biological one but rainbow was where he was his full self. And... He had Dominic now, too. Fuck, he can't stop thinking about him, can he ?

Where was he anyway? His eyes spotted a figure coming towards him but it was far from the bearded man, a young brunette in a long, ankle length dress and a nice, white brimmed hat was indeed coming closer. He recognized her, she was a family friend. Each and every time they met, she would make sure he felt alright, initiating small talk and offering drinks. She was several years younger, wasn't she ? She took a seat next to him, the same song and dance they usually went through. Now Jäger had to go through the same round of questions he had already went through earlier today. She started monologuing, not unusual since Marius had a hard time relating or even caring. She seemed like a good person but unless you talked about his few interests, he could completely be turned off. Plus, she kept leaning against him.

That was when he felt watched. Eyes darting towards the building, Dominic was standing at the door nursing a drink, looking right at them. After a while of staring, he left. Hm, peculiar.

It was almost midnight, the cold air rolling in from outside alleviating the hot and humid sensation still lingering from such a busy day indoors. Marius was sitting at one of the round tables nursing a glass of alcohol, an ineffective way of drowning the ever growing discomfort his surroundings were giving him. He quickly spotted Bandit coming in big strides towards him, picking up a chair before seating himself close to the engineer. "You're drinking again ? Guess I'll be the one driving us home." "Doesn't it always ends like this?" He earned a laugh from Dom. "We should stick around a bit and then leave, I'm getting tired." "Alright, the buffet is empty anyway and I'm getting bored of your drunken uncles and all. Nice people but I can't stomach the politics." Jäger couldn't help but snort, it was so typical it almost sounded like a parody of himself.

They stayed here for a while, just looking at the others enjoying themselves. The music had gotten softer as the day had progressed, which they were both glad for, until the lights got switched off leaving space for a more intimate ambience. People gathered in pairs towards the DJ, the music started again and... It was a slow. The two defenders looked at each other, surprised. That was new. Jäger felt a feeling tugging around in his stomach, like an envy. Wouldn't it be nice to be so close to Dominic, just like they were ? "You know-... Oh fuck, not again." Dominic put his face in his hands, visibly annoyed. "What's wrong?" "She's coming towards us, that gal you were talking with earlier today." He tried pointing in her general direction as subtly as he could. "She keeps flirting with you Marius." "What ? No, she's not, she's just being nice. I've known her for years, she's one of my cousin's friends." "Yeah and that friend looks at you like she looks at a Snickers bar, believe me, she wants you. Can't you see her body language? Wait, of course you don't but I saw it from meters away!" Dom whispered.

Before Jäger could interject, the woman was taking a seat next to the both of them. "Hi boys, what are you talking about?" "Just work." Bandit's voice sounded like a growl, his expression somewhere near anger. "Need anything ?" "Oh I just wanted to spend some time with Marius, we don't get to do that often, do we?" She put her hand on Jäger's arm as she said this, whom put his glass down before dropping it from stress. The atmosphere was almost suffocating, the two of them ready to jump at each other's throat while he was stuck in the middle. What was going on?

"You know what, let's dance together Marius ! This would be so romantic, don't you think?"

Jäger's mouth felt dry. Dominic was right. How was he going to get himself out of this ? He felt uncomfortable shifting in his seat, the woman staring at him almost pleadingly, hopeful that her advances would be successful. Nobody knew he wasn't into women, he was too scared to be open about it. Should he keep the facade and accept? The thought made his stomach turn not only because it would be lying to others while caging himself down but because the only person he wanted to be close with was Dominic. Looking back at her, her head cocked to the side like a confused puppy, eyebrows raised, Marius felt a slight panic. He had to act, didn't he? He tried opening his mouth but fear pushed his words back in his throat, his heart pulsing harder and harder. Shuffling beside them finally broke the awkward tension rising.

"Sorry darling, this man's taken."

The hand that grabbed Marius' pulled him up from his chair and before he knew it, they found themselves in the middle of the other couples. Dimmed lights were hiding the bright smile on Dominic's face as he tried his best not to erupt in laughter. Marius was unsure if he should be focusing on the divine looking man in front of him, shifting lights changing the features of his face as they tried to 'dance', or the hands firmly planted on his hips. "That's not where you put your hands, you look awkward, have you never done this before ?" Bandit said close to his ear. The negative head shake he got in return made him laugh. "Let me show you." Bandit grabbed his wrist ever so gently, Jäger's arms now placed around his neck, bodies almost flush against one another, hands traveling down to the other's hips again. "God you're clumsy !" Dominic was talking but it was barely registering, Marius laughed when he thought he had to pretending not to be looking at the other's lips with need. He tentatively turned his attention to the rest of the room only to be stopped in his tracks.

"Just look at me." And so he did, his gaze never leaving Dominic's, the only person he had almost no issue doing so. Since when did Dom smell this good ? A faint mix of nicotine and cologne he couldn't ignore now, every fiber of him was screaming how much he wanted Bandit. To Marius he was the embodiment of temptation, perfectly sculpted, charming despite some parts of his personality and he would be lying if it didn't add to it in some way. It had been so hard hiding it, pretending for the sake of their friendship. There was nothing he could do, he needed him, he couldn't do without him, his heart was slamming against his ribcage like it was about to jump out. Marius wanted to show him he didn't have to be alone, heal this ache he knew he had in his chest-

The was, kissing Dominic. The feeling of lips on lips, the taste of alcohol and sweets still on his skin transferring onto Jäger's, hands traveled up to Dominic's hair pulling him closer with desperate need. Was he being pulled closer as well or was it just his imagination ? It was unclear who of the two initiated the addition of tongues in the middle of it all but there was no complaining. Dominic was sure Marius had left out a small whine as he playfully bit his bottom lip, a slight feeling of possessiveness growing. How many times had Jäger dreamed of doing this ? How many times had he been close to act upon his deepest wishes ? There was no going back, he was loving every single second of it, oblivious to the world around him.

The world around him.

The kiss broke as suddenly as it had started, Dominic's fingers hurting his midsection while Marius' hands caressed the messy hair underneath them. The world around him. There was a glimmer in Dominic's eyes, gears turning inside that silly head of his. The world around him, the world around him. Butterfly kisses were placed on his cheeks, beard scratching at his skin. Eyes darted around the room, distinguishing silhouettes from the dark background. Eyes, stares. What was Dominic doing? The world around him. Lips trailed down to his neck, softly kissing the pale skin underneath as they're staring a hand caressing his lower back as they were still attempting to follow a semblance of rythm like the other couples. They're not a couple, what if this is unwelcome? What if he's pretending ? A hand pushed past the collar of his shirt, the tie and first few buttons long gone due to the heat and as everyone was looking fingers traced his collarbone. They shouldn't be doing this here. Whispers fell into his ear but their message was left cryptic in Jäger's mind because he was going to get Dominic hurt, was he going to get hurt? No, that's absurd. What if somebody reacts badly? He shouldn't have done that, but it's irrational

Shaking hands pushed the bearded man away as softly as they could, Marius felt as if he was watching the events unfold, unable to control what was happening. "I'm sorry..." He could hear his name behind his back as he made a beeline for the closest exit to the parking lot. Several people tried talking to him but he wasn't looking for a chat, especially not right now. He swung the double doors open nearly running into the few men having a smoke outside. He ignored his name, the question being raised. Marius wanted out and away.

It was a disaster, he had made a mistake, outed himself to his whole family and friends, kissed his best friend when he shouldn't have and was now ready to ignore everybody and hide until the end of times. He loved Dominic so dearly, it hurt just thinking about how their relationship might change for the worst. He stopped himself against their car, finally able to breathe for a while. Could he even fix this ? Not without time travel he thought. The sound of footsteps on the gravel fueled his anxiety, he didn't want to see anybody, explain himself, or worse.

"Give me the keys."

That was it, he fucked up, Dom was going to leave him here and he would be right to do so. Marius overstepped boundaries and there was clearly no going back, he was going to lose him right then and there for a joke he hadn't understood, or he ignored even. He gave him the keys, barely looking in an attempt to hide the tears threatening to fall.

"What are you waiting for? Get in, we're running away!" Running away ? Curiosity almost overrid his previous thoughts because what the hell was he talking about? What are they running from ? He obliged, avoiding to look at the other German. The car came to life and they quickly made it away from the venue. Dominic wasn't mad.

"Fuck Marius... You're going to hate me." He was clearly suppressing a laugh. "What did you do ? Should I be worried ?" "After you left, a few of your very drunk family members thought they should give me a piece of their mind about two men kissing." Jäger was mortified, the worst case scenario was happening, wasn't it ? "So I told them to go suck a dick or lick some pussy to calm down." Bandit was now trying his hardest not to burst into full blown laughter. "But there were kids around, so a few parents got pretty angry but I kept cursing while running out for you! Don't look at your phone, I'm sure there's nothing worthwhile on it. Your uncle was worried but he just laughed so hard, even waved me goodbye!" That was it. That was the thing that pushed Jäger to a fit of laughter he had rarely had before, closely followed by Bandit's. What was Dominic thinking ? Scratch everything, this was the best outcome possible.

The minutes passed quicker than expected, both finally calming down after a while, still, Jäger couldn't brush off the idea that what he did was wrong in some way. They stopped at a red light not far from the apartment, the car drowned in the shade. "Dominic... You're not mad at me ?" There was a pause as they looked at each other. The eldest finally broke the silence. "No, why would I be ? Wait, did you believe I would be ?" There was a nod on Jäger's part.

"Fuck, Marius... Have you seen how we kissed ? Do you really think I'd be angry? I've been waiting for that to happen for a while. No matter how I tried to make you wary of me you still looked at me like I was your world. Don't tell me otherwise, you're not the best when it comes to discretion." Bandit came closer, faces inches apart making the other look away. "Look at me." Bandit tried softer when he realized his words were sharper than intended, as usual. "Please Marius, look at me." He waited until he tentatively turned his head again. "I've been in love with you too. I love you, I really do." It was Dominic who initiated this time, pressing themselves together as best as they could in the car. It was soft, oh so soft, like he was trying to declare his love as gently as possible in this single act. Hands found themselves traveling down Jäger's torso with an obvious need to discover each and every spot. The heat sure was quickly rising. "Fuck, Dom" the man crashed against him harder at his name, tongues rougher and shirt buttons popping off their holes. "Dom, the light's green..."

Oh. "Fuck !" Bandit left out a giggle that surprisingly made its way down Jäger's stomach, a flutter forming. It was happening, he had what he had dreamed about, it was happening, oh God-A hand sitting on his thigh sure did become a distraction from his own thoughts, which rapidly headed down south.

The car finally came to a stop in the parking lot, the two lovers pressing themselves out of the vehicle. Hands found themselves entangled without even having to wonder about it. It felt natural, didn't it? The elevator came down with a satisfying ding allowing them to enter into momentary privacy, butterfly kisses being spread across cheekbones and necks.

They tried to straighten themselves right before having to step out but anybody could tell, right? Maybe by the way Bandit was pulling Jäger by the arm, an idea rummaging in his mind Jäger was sure they both shared, or the fact that the engineer's shirt was open already. Dominic was the one pinned to the wall when Marius looked for his keys, the keyhole too hard to find while desperately kissing another man in the middle of a barely lit hallway.

But when the door gave in, allowing them in, they both knew the night was long from over.

#painfulstitches17 #r6s #rainbow six siege #r6s bandit #r6s jager #bandit x jager #bandit/jager #implied/referenced homophobia

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tshepiso-reads-books · 5 years ago

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Prepare For a Rant | Lair of Dreams by Libba Bray

Started: February 10th, 2020

Finished: February 14th, 2020

I have a lot of thoughts about Lair of Dreams [Goodreads] and most of them are negative. It took me what felt like several lightyears to finish this book and the reading experience sapped the joy of reading out of me for a while. This is going to be a long one folks, so buckle in. Before we jump into things I’d like to warn that this is going to be a spoilerific review so heed my warning before you jump in.

Lair of Dreams takes place shortly after the events of the first book in this series The Diviners. The city is on the cusp of an all-out outbreak as more and more cases of Sleeping Sickness, a mysterious illness that causes the afflicted to fall asleep and never wake up again, are cropping up in Chinatown. While the gang goes on wildly different adventures in this book they all ultimately come together to solve the mystery of the sleeping sickness.

On Character

My biggest problem with this book is the characters. They’re selfish, self-centered, naïve and don’t understand that actions hurt others. This is most evident in Evie, but every character in the book has moments of this scattered throughout the novel. However, I feel uncomfortable throwing this fact as a criticism of the book because all of these characteristics are fundamental character traits of teenagers and I find it obtuse to criticize a young adult novel for accurately writing teenaged protagonists. But I can’t divorce this understanding from how absolutely infuriating I found so many moments in this book.

I will say just because our protagonists, and especially Evie, were annoying doesn’t mean they didn’t have depth. Libba Bray is a good writer and fully fleshed out every character in this book mellowing some of my frustrations with them. The perfect example of this is Sam Lloyd. The bad boy character archetype has been done to death in YA, but Sam stands apart from the crowd of tousled haired edge-lords by having a tragic backstory with legitimate weight to it. His search for his mother never felt like an afterthought or quirk. I genuinely felt his deep desire to find the truth and it made him well rounded. The same could be said about all the other characters in the story.

Evie was the only character I truly hated while reading this book. I understand the reason why Evie is the way she is and how her past influenced her bad behavior. But understanding that her PTSD and trauma are the cause of her actions was never enough to get me to sympathize with her. Every single character in this book has been through just as much if not more than she has and they never went as far as to abandon and betray their friends as consistently as Evie did. I could never get behind Evie, her selfishness went above and beyond teenaged immaturity and her inability to own up to her mistakes and change angered me.

Now on to Jericho Jones, my second least favorite character in this book. I genuinely liked Jericho in The Diviners, but his behavior in this book was appalling. I will admit he had the misfortune of falling into one of my least favorite tropes out there: “The Monster Inside Me“ [TV Tropes]. However, his particular brand of self-loathing went further than that. At the end of The Diviners Jericho was rejected by Evie causing a cycle of self-pity that verged on incel behavior. His constant monologuing about how “girls just don’t like guys him” was eye-roll inducing and his hurry to lash out at others because a girl he liked rejected him was gross. His actions depict a man who sees Evie as a prize rather than a human being.

Another problem I had with this book is how central protagonists from The Diviners were sidelined in the novel. It’s almost impossible in a reasonably sized book to follow eight different characters and give them all their due. The characters I feel most negatively effected by Bray’s shift in focus to new POVs were Memphis, Theta and Mabel. It would take over 500 more words to deep dive into my specific thoughts on each of their character arcs so in summation: these three were barely given anything to do and their character arcs didn’t move forward in any significant way. Mabel was given the harshest treatment of all because she had literally nothing to do in this book but pine after a guy who didn’t like her. No other character conflict she had from the previous book in this series was even mentioned or explored.

On Romance

Possibly my least favorite element in this book was its romantic subplot. So much page time was dedicated to it that it could reasonably be dubbed the main plot So here’s the rundown:

Mabel likes Jericho, but Jericho likes Evie.

Evie thinks she likes Jericho but doesn’t want to date him because of girl code.

Evie fake dates Sam and they both start catching feelings.

Jericho goes out with Mabel even though he knows that Mabel likes him and he still has feelings for Evie.

This is the kind of conflict I hate in books. This love triangle was so convoluted and contrived. It did nothing but make me hate Evie and Jericho, and I found none of the romantic tension exciting because the dynamics explored were built on a foundation of miscommunication and lies of omission.

On Representation

While I was pleasantly surprised by the anti-racism in The Diviners I was uncomfortable by the way some of the themes of diversity were explored in this book. In Lair of Dreams, we are introduced to Ling Chang a half Chinese girl with a recent case of infantile paralysis causing her to wear leg braces. She has a lot of self-hatred in regard to her disability. This trope while cliche wasn’t my problem, my problem was how this internal conflict is resolved. Another one of our protagonists, Henry, finds out about her disability and all her self loathing is resolved by him telling her she should love herself. This interaction is that it places Ling’s self-worth in the hands of an able-bodied person rather than focusing this her arc on self-acceptance. As an able-bodied person, I don’t want to cry ableism without shouting out actual disabled people’s voices on the matter so I would highly encourage you to seek out these voices. I’ve yet to encounter an ownvoices reviewer’s thought on Ling’s arc (believe me I looked) and this observation should in no way take away anything from disabled people who appreciated Bray’s writing.

There is so much that Bray does right when it comes to diversity and representation. I find her honest depictions of America’s ugly history timely and relevant and I admire her willingness to starkly show anti-semitism, homophobia, xenophobia, police brutality of the time. She clearly parallels America’s history with America’s present reminding you not so subtly that these toxic ideas still exist. I will warn readers that Bray graphically depicts racist imagery and I found the descriptive scenes of lynch mobs and the like very upsetting so be prepared for that.

One aspect of Bray’s depiction of American society I really liked was her pointed observation of the link between Evangelical Christianity and racism and xenophobia. I also liked how she depicted the ways people use American Exceptionalism (the idea that Americans are inherently superior to all others and that their position as a dominant world power is a God-given right rather than luck and historic subjugation) as a justification for bigotry and all detractors of this ideology is consistently labeled as anti-American by the people who benefit from bigotry.

On Everything Else

I will say Lair of Dreams was fairly well-plotted. Though the mystery element of this book very much felt like a subplot with the character conflicts taking center stage. While I didn’t find the sleeping sickness as outright terrifying as Naughty John in the first book Bray is good at building tension and suspense and the final climactic scene did get my heart racing. Bray’s ability to capture a creepy gothic atmosphere shines in this book and I loved her interlude chapters that showed brief snippets of our characters and the city itself.

Stars 🌟🌟🌟

I don’t know where I stand with this series. I found so much of the reading experience frustrating, but I am still invested in so many of the characters in the series and I would like to see how the final mystery unfolds. We’ll see if I continue on with the series because right now I don’t know.

#So... I had feelings #Libba Bray #The Diviners #Lair of Dreams #long post #remember when I reviewed the DIviners and I said Jericho was my favourite #things change

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theeternalspace · 6 years ago

Text

In Memoriam 13

Summary: The metal tree had always fascinated the Prince.

Only, it wasn’t a tree.

And, as it turned out, he wasn’t really a Prince. Instead he was… a side of someone’s personality? He doesn’t remember Thomas, or the other sides, those who call themselves his friends. He doesn’t really remember anything, not even his own name, no matter the efforts of Patton, Logan or Virgil. He must venture back into the Wardrobe door, back to the metal tree in an attempt to recover his missing memories and regain everything he has lost.

But perhaps some doors are best left closed for a reason. And perhaps some personas should remain in the ground where they have been buried.

Story Warnings: Sympathetic/Grey Deceit Sanders. He is trying his best you guys. Anxiety. Self doubt and self loathing. Fantasy fighting. Verbal fighting. Threatening behaviour. Blood and injury. Memory loss. Drowning. Near death.

Previous || Next

He could do this.

Okay, so Virgil really didn’t believe his own statement, but he had to hope that there was a way, he had to tell himself that he could do it. Because the alternative didn’t bear thinking about. Virgil had never won an argument with Deceit but there had to be a first time for everything. After all, only a few years ago he had never shared a guilt free happy moment with Roman or sat and watched the stars with Logan when the logical side had been aware of his presence. Things changed. People changed. That had to mean that sides changed too and that he had a chance here. It was just a case of working out where to start.

“How did you even do it?” Virgil asked, shifting from one topic to another. Work with what he knew, that was the way to do it. He had to get Deceit talking, and that, in theory, shouldn’t be too hard. If there was one weakness that Deceit and Roman shared, it was a tendency to monologue their plans and desires. Deceit always liked to show that he was the smartest side in the room. It was a tendency that Virgil had been all too willing to indulge in when they were kids, wide eyed and enthralled as Deceit spun his lies across whole kingdoms. If he was feeling cynical, Virgil would probably say that was why Deceit had taken him under his wing to start with, that he had seen Anxiety was the one who would be willing to listen.

Then again, when they were children, Anxiety really had thought that Deceit knew all the answers. Some part of Virgil couldn’t help but envy his younger self, the way in which things had all been more obvious then. It had been obvious that Deceit was a good guy - that he was his brother, his hero and more besides. It had been obvious that he should listen to and trust everything he said. It had been obvious that water was dry if that was why Deceit claimed.

Things had been simpler then. Not better of course, but simpler and easier. The rules had made sense and there was no agonising split loyalties, no having to think too hard about what was right or wrong. He had been able to move between the two as if they were properly separate worlds without worrying that his choices in one would affect the other.

Then Thomas had started to grow up and the world had turned out to be a lot more complicated than any of them had first assumed.

Pick one side and damn the other. Say yes to cookies and hot chocolate with your new family but that meant turning your back on your old one. Say no to helping create fear so a lie could sink in deep and be branded a traitor to the family, to Thomas. For so long Virgil had existed as Grey, as neither Light nor Dark, but stuck hovering awkwardly in the middle.

He often wondered if Patton really knew what he was doing when he started trying to entice Anxiety into the Light Side’s home. When he had started really smiling and joking, offering his own brand of comfort to Anxiety without seeming to expect anything in return. It was a whole lot harder to creep back to his dimly lit room in the darker corners of Thomas’ mind when he knew what it felt like to shyly accept a hot meal from the self proclaimed dad of the mind and have his hair ruffled when he washed his own dishes up.

Virgil couldn’t help but wonder over the years if there had been any calculation to Patton’s actions, if he had pushed ahead despite the disapproval of both Logan and Roman because he had seen an opportunity to remove a source of power from the dark side, to force Virgil to choose once and for all which side of the board he was going to play as. Virgil really hoped not. He didn’t want to think that Patton was that cruel, even if the alternative meant that Patton was that naive, that he had no idea of the agonising conflict of loyalties Virgil felt or how hard it had been to take that step over the threshold with his bag of prized possessions.

The room had appeared before Virgil had made the conscious choice to move. It had been brighter than the one below while still dark enough for Anxiety. Logically, he had known that his belonging existed in both places at the same time - exactly how, he didn’t know and he wasn’t brave enough to ask Logic to find out - and so he didn’t need to carry the little bag from room to room. He could leave what mattered behind and still find it right where he left it when he got back.

Somehow though, he felt that he had to this time, that he was ‘moving’ and so he needed to take his things with him. That there was a power in making the choice a permanent thing and Anxiety didn’t want to run the risk that something might go wrong, that the Dark elements might somehow be able to take his stuff before his room faded from existence there. At least, he hoped it would fade from there. It would be easier to handle the separation if the mind removed his way back. It was always easier for Anxiety to be weak and let someone or something else make his life choices for him.

Even Creativity’s disdain hadn’t been enough to send him running back downstairs and somehow the other sides had known the importance of the moment too. He could still hear the ranting as he closed the door on his room - his room now, only his, forever his - and finally Anxiety could let himself relax, could tell himself he was home.

Part of Anxiety had regretted his choice that night when the terrors had come and torn him from his sleep. He had woken in tears, as he so often did in those days, haunted by all the terrible ways in which Thomas’ life could be ruined. High school was a minefield of social interactions and life choices that could determine the course of his life. All it would take would be one little slip up and the world as they all knew it would be over.

They had to pick the right classes, the right friends. They had to work hard on their homework - but not too hard that they came across as a nerd on top of everything else. Really, they had to stop trying so hard in general and while Anxiety liked a lot of the angst emo look that Thomas was going with these days it made him stand out. Standing out was bad.

And there were so many girls about, ones with pretty hair, who smelled nice and why didn’t they like them in the way all the other boys seemed to like them? Why couldn’t they pretend to feel like that for one of them, just like Deceit always said they should do? Fake it till you make it? Morality insisted that wasn't fair on the girl and well, Anxiety couldn't deny that, a spike of fear running through him at the thought of what might happen when people found out they had been lying about their feelings. It was enough to make him cry, tears rolling down his face as he looked around at his room that was his and yet in this moment was all wrong.

Too bright compared to what it had been like before. Too many strange little noises from the corridor, different people on the other side of the wall, different sides. None of them were who Anxiety wanted. He wanted his brother. He wanted Deceit.

Anxiety had reached out only to find a thin wall between himself and the space where Deceit lived, a barrier that had not been there the night before. He could have pushed through it of course. It wasn’t solid, not yet anyway. He could still have turned tail and run back to his old life, could have tried and carried on letting himself be pulled this way and that. The temptation was there, all he had to do was reach out and push.

He didn’t.

Instead Anxiety had pulled the covers over himself, hiding away from the world and clutching at the ragged toy, clinging to the soft animal as if it could somehow match the warmth and security of a living, breathing body. As if it could be good as a family. He cried himself back to sleep that night. Virgil had never pressed on that barrier again. Afraid of... something. That it would either be solid or fluid, that he was trapped or he could still slip from one side to the other with ease.

Honestly, he didn’t know which option scared him the most.

Still, the choice to move fully to the light side, when it was made, wasn’t even because of Patton. It wasn’t because of Logan or Roman either. It wasn’t even thanks to Thomas that Virgil had eventually abandoned the darker corners of the mind and everything that came with it.

Deceit had been the one to make him choose.

No.

Deceit had been the one to make the choice for him.

He had known Virgil’s weaknesses only too well and that Virgil would never be able to pick a side, but would instead shift between them, constantly tearing himself to pieces as he tried to form and reform himself to fit the mould of whoever he was talking to at the time. Dancing from one extreme to the other, wearing himself thinner and thinner until Anxiety had started to wonder if he was going to fade away completely. Deceit watched from the shadows a lot. He knew a lot, more than Virgil had ever told him. He knew about the visits to the light side, he knew about the head ruffles, about the occasional conversations he had with Logic that weren't mean.

He even knew that for all that Virgil still loved him, his dad seemed to have more hold over him than his brother. Worst of all, Deceit knew about the time Anxiety hadn't been strong enough, fast enough. When he had been stabbed and left to... left to learn that a side couldn't really die in the way humans did.

All because Anxiety had been too tired to keep up the pretence. It was hard work remembering which version of himself he was meant to be at any one time, difficult to slip into the right mindset. With them he was supposed to be angry, to be cruel. All too ready to push some anxiety into his host and get the blood flowing. Keep him alert and by doing that, keep him safe. Even Anxiety though, had to admit there were times when he wasn't needed, when Thomas really was safe.

Thomas didn't need a panic attack right now and they made him pay for deciding that. He had been too slow. Too stupid. He hadn't acted the role with enough gusto to convince them. Anxiety had just wanted a moment's peace. One second when he wasn't attacking or defending. Just one single second and Thomas was relaxed, there was no danger. All the homework had been done to Logic's extracting standards. No tests loomed on the horizon, so what was the harm in letting him play a video game for an hour or so in order to escape the crushing reality that was their inevitable death?

Anxiety didn't want to take this moment from Thomas but he was in the company of those who did. Normally, that meant he would act as they wanted, would pump just enough adrenaline and fear into Thomas to make them satisfied before creeping off to try and get through the attack himself. Normally, he wasn’t brave enough to even think about saying no. But he was tired. He wanted to relax almost as much as he wanted Thomas to relax. He wanted to not have to be himself, to not be cruel and wicked and make his host unhappy. Anxiety had drawn in a slow breath at the suggestion slash order, had danced on the knife edge as his mind scrambled desperately to come up with some excuse as to why he wasn’t going to do his job.

And the malicious dark side had made him pay for that hesitation with a stab to the gut. So quick to anger, so quick to see the worst - or in this case, the best - out of his actions. Virgil could still remember the feel of the blade as it slipped so cleanly into him, splitting aside flesh as though it was soft butter, the mocking words of his attacker ringing round and around in his head.

Snitches gets Stitches

Which made no sense. He hadn't told on them for a start. In fact, Anxiety hadn't really said much of anything, just trying to get by with as little interaction as he could. The wound wasn't one that could be healed with stitches, that could be healed at all, at least not in the time he had left, the other side leaving him to his fate, laughing as Anxiety had pressed shaking hands against his stomach as though that could somehow keep the blood from seeping out any further.

Anxiety learnt something that day that he was determined none of the others, good or dark, would ever have to learn - just what happened to a Side on the cusp of death and what happened to them instead of actually dying.

Deceit had learned something too. How weak his little brother really was, how soft he was and how he had showed his true colours. It would only be a matter of time before someone came for him again, before they worked out that the angry side had gone too far, that the blow should have killed instead of maimed. Who knew what they would do with that information? How they would make Anxiety regret teaching that.

Deceit wasn't going to let that happen again. Deceit wasn't going to let his younger brother embarrass him like that again. It was time he grew up, time that he made his choice once and for all and stopped being such a coward. It was time he moved out Deceit told him, the snake faced side ignoring the way Anxiety had cried at that, face hard and unyielding. Deceit had stood there with his arms crossed while the anxious side had slowly packed up his items in the bag, had simply stared off into space when Anxiety had tried one last time to apologise. Deceit even went so far as to slam the door in Anxiety's face and making him do the walk of shame on his own. For all of that however, Deceit had made sure that nobody interfered with him, that they didn't launch one last attack.

Looking back, Virgil wondered if that had been a lie as well. Sometimes he hoped it was, and the angry hissed words had just been to make him leave for his own good. Sometimes he was just angry in turn, hurt that even his brother had turned his back on him. It had taken Virgil years to move past that trauma, to even start to think about trusting again, let alone lowering his wall enough to begin to create another family.

Where had their friendship gone? Their family, the two of them against the world? Why did it have to be this way?

Because the alternative meant pain for even more people than the two of them.

“You want me to stand here and monologue what you think is my evil plan? Of course, I’ll get right on that Virgil, because as you so rightly think, I am a moron.” Deceit lifted a gloved hair in the air as he spoke, Virgil blinking rapidly as his mind was wrenched from a painful past and into an equally painful present as once again he was forced to side one way or the other.

"I am touched by how much you think of me," Deceit added with another little sneer, his head tilting to the side. The light caught at the crown he was wearing, tiny little shards of sparkling colour dancing across the black ice of the throne, and Virgil could see himself reflected in the many shining surfaces, fractured images cut through with rainbow light.

His expression was one of muted horror. Disgust at how far they had both fallen - Deceit that he would do this in the first place, and Virgil that he would believe his brother capable of it, that he would abandon him all over again. In the end, this was another choice.

Help Roman and damn Deceit. It should be easy. They did nothing but exchange verbal blows in the videos, they glared at each other across the room or mind palace. They fought and fought as though nothing but hatred had ever existed between them. Virgil was sure that Roman suspected some dramatic break had happened between them, a cataclysmic schism that pitted good against evil. Something utterly epic but something in a framework he understood all the same, something with clearly defined villains and heroes.

He probably didn't even come close to guessing the actual history. He couldn’t. Because nothing was ever that simple.

Each carried invisible scars left by the other, each were far more damaged than they let on, more wounded by the past. Even seeing Deceit for the first time after all those years had been like a punch to the stomach, one Virgil had done his best to hide with a flaring of nostrils and narrowing of eyes. After the video was over and everyone was safe, he had locked himself in his room and broken down, his emotions exploding out of him in a fury of tears and wails.

So the choice was to damn him.

Damn Deceit. Damn his brother, damn the first side he had ever loved. Damn his past and run away from it once more, play pretend and act as though he lying wasn't the living reminder of his own past. Damn the one that saved him over and over again, until Virgil lost count of the number of times he owed his life.

How was he supposed to do that? But equally, how could Virgil go the other way, how could he wade back to his original family and leave Roman to drown in confusion and fear? Virgil couldn't let Roman be an innocent victim of the toxic undercurrents that had ruined what had once been between them. Virgil would accept Deceit hating him as a consequence, no matter how much that made the small boy he still was at times want to cry. He had to.

“Come on man, you can’t just pretend this was all for me and then not explain what you did. I mean I get how you did it, I saw the jelly jar and I gotta say that was smart of you."

“It was, wasn’t it,” Deceit interrupted, looking far too pleased with himself. Virgil swallowed down the biting comment that tired to spill out, the need to point out that clever or not, it had been cruel. Deceit was talking though, was gradually unbending, always eager with a little nudge to show his brother just how smart he really was, how clever to trick another side and get them to do what he had wanted all along.

"But why? And how? I mean how’d you even affect him like that?”

“It is the Imagination. Really, it is thanks to Roman that I was able to do it. He cast me in this role after all, told me I was the White Wizard and I was to cast my spell over the whole land. He also told me that he and his brother were going to defeat me, I certainly didn’t get upset at thinking he had claimed that role for himself. He is the prince after all, he has his pick of any and all rules. So what if he then said who his brother was. I didn’t care.”

“Right,” Virgil agreed as Deceit looked at him, clearly waiting for some kind of response and it felt like he should be agreeing with what he was saying, regardless of what he actually felt. Anything to keep him talking. Deceit smiled, still looking so pleased with himself.

“Not that he realised it was really I. Or how much power he gave me, I found books in this place for all sorts of things, right down to memory loss. And well, we are all magic and make believe at the end of the day. I only half expected it to work, you can imagine how shocked I wasn’t to discover he was the same gormless idiot with his memories as he was without. And that it lasted beyond this little world.”

Listening to Deceit talk always gave Virgil a bit of a headache. Not because it was Deceit and he didn’t like him, he was a liar, a dark side, blah, blah, blah. None of the excuses that he would give when they were fighting in a video, but simply because it could be confusing to work out which line was an outright lie, which was a lie of omission and which were the half truths or whole truths buried in the sand. He had always made the effort though. It was a small price to pay, taking those extra few moments to work out just what Deceit meant by his words, because his brother was worth understanding correctly. Not that Virgil had always gotten it right.

Time and distance had dulled his skill in that regard, and it took him longer than it should to pick apart what Deceit was saying, to work out that he had turned the Imagination itself into a weapon against Roman. It raised more questions, made him wonder how he had managed to sneak in without Roman noticing it was actually him and not a shade in his form. Not that it really mattered, it didn’t change anything in the long term.

Deceit’s hurt was almost like a living thing, molten in its heat and that - that took Virgil’s breath away a little, the thought that he seemed to honestly upset at the idea that Roman had wanted to act as Virgil’s brother, the lie almost embarrassingly transparent.

“I was going to use it on you first, wipe away all those painful lonely years, all those memories we both wish we could forget. Somehow though...” Deceit trailed off thoughtfully, as if he was discussing some more mundane than the mental obliteration of one of the sides. “Somehow it just didn’t feel right to do it to you.”

Virgil felt his mouth drop open in shock as he stared at Deceit, for a moment too thrown by the words themselves to even freak out over the idea that he could have been the one without any memories. It could have been him wandering the snow and not knowing anything about himself or his family. Selfishly, Virgil couldn’t help but feel a little bit glad that it wasn’t him because Virgil doubted he would have reacted as well as Roman did. He certainly wouldn’t have been as trusting as the regal side had been.

None of that was important though, none of that came close to what actually did matter. The idea that the only thing that had saved him from that fate was Deceit deciding that it didn’t ‘feel right’ was the important thing, was the idea that his brain was struggling to understand. He couldn’t help but feel a little disconnected from the moment, mentally thrown off a cliff and left hanging part way down, fingers just barely holding onto the rock face as he tried to grapple with this new information.

“But it didn't feel wrong to do it to Roman?!” Virgil forced out at last, the absurdity of the moment simply too much to bear any longer.

Deceit rolled his eyes as if Virgil was the one being unreasonable with his reaction when really, Virgil felt as if he was being more than reasonable. Over reasonable as it were.

“Obviously it did. Do try and keep up dear. It’s not like Roman really counts or anything after all.”

Roman had never really counted in Deceit’s eyes. Not in the same way he had considered Virgil his family. Unlike Anxiety, he had never been consumed by doubts, by desires that pulled him this way and that. He might not like the other dark sides but they were still his family - as children he would always say the only one he couldn’t stand was Anxiety and Virgil had preened under the compliment, craving the validation so badly that he had ignored the hidden insult or doubts that were flecked across his skin every time Deceit insulted one of the others.

“Give it back,” he demanded and Virgil was done playing nice, done pandering to his - admittedly clever - thinking. Virgil just wanted this to be over. Deceit blinked, something slow and deliberate.

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

“His memories. There has to be a cure or something, so give them back to him.”

“Why would there be a cure?” Deceit was stalling now, adopting a more aloof expression, trying to back peddle, to pretend that he was still the angry, unknowing White Wizard from before, alien and inscrutable. Virgil smiled at him, feeling a surge of confidence and despite everything that had happened to them both this was still his brother. This was still his brother, his family and the longer he looked, the more he started to see that he recognised. Little twitches and tells that told him under it all was still the same side he had loved. Still loved.

“You forget I know you, just like you know me. You wouldn’t do something like this unless you could undo it. You’d lose all control if there was no way to reverse it at your own whim and we couldn’t have that now could we? Where is it?” Virgil kept his head high as he glared at Deceit, matching his expression death stare for death stare.

“You really want that dramatic theatre kid back? The one that teased you endlessly, the one that never made you cry and what, you think I didn’t know about all those nights you cried yourself to sleep? I always understood why you cared about that side. He never hurt you and yet time after time you wouldn’t go crawling back,” Deceit huffed, his gloved hands curling into fists as tilted his body away from Virgil a little, the movement betraying faint traces of anxiety. If there was one emotion that Virgil was good at reading, it was that one. This was making him nervous and that had to mean that he was right in thinking there was a cure.

“Roman is unlucky in that this is all I did to him for what he did to you in the past. I mean come on Virgil, it’s not like I’m trying to help here.”

Help?

“We nearly died out there because Roman didn’t have his memories and thus any control over his powers and you call that helping?” Virgil snapped, and this was even worse than he had imagined because he believed now that Deceit was still the same at his core, he believed that this was still the same side he had grown up with. Deceit was meant to be his brother, he was meant to care but he had left them out in the snow to nearly die. After everything they had been through and all the angry words that had passed between them, Virgil had never expected a particularly warm reunion but he also didn’t expect to nearly die thanks to him.

Virgil couldn’t help but imagine all the terrible ways in which it could have been so much worse. Roman could have been on his own when he accidentally conjured some monster into being. Worse, he could have been with Patton and Virgil loved dad, he really did, but he couldn’t help but worry that Patton would have been beyond useless in that situation.

“Oh I’m sure that would have happened. I wasn’t watching out for you. Who do you think gave you that sword or looked after you at night? Who do you think covered up your ungrateful cold body? Where did Hwin come from? I would so let you get hurt, you should know that by now.” Deceit had the nerve to look upset as he spoke - and not the theatrical hurt that he used so many times before. This wasn’t a lie.

This was as raw and as bleeding as the anger he had shown when he had thought of Roman wanting to pretend to be Virgil’s brother. Virgil swallowed heavily. He didn’t know what to make of the words that had come flying fast and thick at him, at the knowledge that Deceit had been looking after him all this time. He was going to have to think about that later, was going to have to have a couple of hard conversations with himself about it. Right now however, it made his own anger fade a little, made him impulsively switch tack and try a different way to convince Deceit.

"Deceit... brother. Please. This isn't the way to try and do whatever it is you want. This isn’t right and we can’t leave Roman like this, no matter what mistakes he might have made in the past. God knows, we’ve all made terrible mistakes in the past. I know I did... but this isn’t right. Roman and Thomas shouldn’t have to pay this price. We need to protect our host. I need to protect him. Let me do my job?”

He was Anxiety, Protection, Caution, all the terms that Roman had graced him with, the concepts that Virgil so desperately wanted to live up to. Roman trusted him to do the right thing and he was going to do it. He was going to fix this and as well as helping Roman, helping Thomas, he was going to help Deceit. Nobody else needed to know what he had done. They would judge him for it, they wouldn’t understand in the way that Virgil was slowly starting to understand.

All they would see was the end result but Virgil saw so much more than that, he saw the choices which lead up to it, the path that was taken and all the little pushes and nudges which had forced Deceit along it. He saw a whole array of misguided thoughts and mistakes because of course Virgil could, he had made so many mistakes of his own along the way and it was easy to see something of himself in these actions. Virgil tried to tell himself that he would never have done something quite so terrible, so ill advised... but he wasn’t sure what was the truth anymore and what was merely what he wished, what he hoped. Deceit would know if he was lying, of course but that would mean talking about his own problems when he could be busy trying to fix someone else's.

Deceit stared at him, the conflict warring clearly, as obvious as his mismatched eyes. How could Virgil have ever thought that he was being cruel and evil for the sake of it? Virgil should have known better, another sin to the growing pile of them in his mind. He needed to make this right for all of them.

“Please,” Virgil pleaded again, lifting his hands up in what he hoped was a disarming gesture and Anxiety wasn’t really the right person to try and defuse situations, that wasn’t what he did. Anxiety was more flight or fight, it was getting out of a situation intact, no matter what else you destroyed along the way. He normally left this sort of thing to someone else but Virgil had no choice but to try here. To hope that he could appeal to Deceit’s better side. “Please, let me help him.”

"To undo it... if you really want, there is a way but there won't be a price of course," Deceit told Virgil at last, picking each word carefully as though it was costing him a great deal merely to say it.

"There always is," Virgil replied and he knew enough about magic to not be surprised that it would cost something to remove it. What had it cost Deceit to cast it in the first place then? That was yet more proof of how desperate the lying side had to have felt, to be willing to possibly damage himself in the process, all to try and ‘help’, if that was truly his motivation.

"I want to be the one to pay it,” he added.

"What?" Deceit looked startled at the words and really he had no right to be as surprised as he was by Virgil's self sacrificing tendencies. That, at least, had never changed. Indeed, it had only gotten worse once he had allowed himself to feel something for the main elements of Thomas’ mind.

The second he had realised how dumb the Light Sides could be, the moment he had decided that they were his dumb idiots, Virgil had felt his protective instinct go into overdrive and it had never turned itself back off. He was going to look after them, even though that meant not looking after himself. Because they were his family, his chosen few and he would feel the blade a hundred times over before he willingly let them even see the glint of the weapon.

"The price. Whatever it is. I want to pay it, not Roman." Virgil told him, and he couldn’t let Roman suffer whatever it would be, not after the Creative Side had already suffered in losing his memories and fighting so hard in order to try and restore them. He couldn’t let Deceit suffer the price either but he knew enough of his big brother to know that Deceit would never let him do this if he thought that was the reason. Deceit would never let anyone else fight his battles for him.

"Without even knowing what it is?" Deceit pressed, a hint of urgency in his voice and yet Virgil couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t actually tell him what it was, almost as though afraid that the other side might change his mind if he knew exactly what the price entailed. Maybe they had been apart for too long, if Deceit honestly thought that would stop him. Virgil shook his head stubbornly, trying to hold onto that feeling of determination, reminding himself over and over who it was for, because for them he could be almost brave.

“It doesn't matter what it is. It’s worth it to bring him back. To save everyone, to make Thomas better. I’ll pay it.” He would without question, even if he knew what it was. The actual price didn’t matter because not even feeling the almost death that a side could feel was worth it to help those he loved. Still, a little part of Virgil hoped it wouldn’t hurt too much. That maybe he could be spared complete agony because he was still a coward at heart without the thought of them to back him up, and he didn’t like the idea of pain. Or that it wouldn’t take away his memories, because that would just start the cycle all over again. Perhaps they would be smarter this time around, perhaps he could set it up so whatever the price was, would end with him.

Deceit nodded slowly, expression serious.

“Done.”

#sanders sides #in memoriam #aca writes #long post

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bthump · 6 years ago

Note

What is your favorite, most dark/twisted griffguts scenario/hc/au or whatever?

dark and twisted eh? lol this is a question and a half. advance warning for a mention of consent issues.

This is a fic idea I’ve considered writing but gave up on pretty quickly bc I didn’t think I could do it justice lol. And also I never finish anything and this is a novel’s worth of material.

AU where the behelit is an ordinary apostle behelit, and also Guts’ instead of Griffith’s. It opens at pretty much the exact same time, after the rescue, when Guts sees Griffith attempt suicide and it hits him that it’s all his fault. He destroyed Griffith and there’s no way to fix this, no one to kill to make it better, he threw away the only thing he’s ever wanted.

So the Raiders followed him down to the lake, Casca and the rest of the Hawks stayed behind, and the behelit opens. Guts ends up sacrificing the Raiders for ~the power to fix his mistake~ and becomes a monster with magic healing abilities. Because I figure that if you’re not sacrificing the person you actually love most, then you need to compensate with quantity lol, and after all the Raiders were the example, alongside Griffith, of “the place [Guts] belonged,” which should count for something.

So the result of this is you got Beast of Darkness Guts who is basically fixated on Griffith. You got a Griffith who spent a year of torture thinking about Guts and realizing he’s desperately in love with him and is thus fixated on Guts. He’s also fully healed and has a super powerful monster under his command so he’s obligated to go back to pursuing his dream in some form or another.

The situation is Griffith as an unstoppable warlord leading an army that grows and grows as dissatisfied peasants join him and others see the way the wind is blowing and join him to back the right horse, and strikes fear into the hearts of nobility until he eventually takes Midland by force (which is doable bc it’s weakened by a century long war and also an insane king). He’s embracing his “cruelty” and doing whatever it takes to attain his dream which means stuff like executing nobles and whatever to send a message and strike first with fear and intimidation. He’s more distanced from the Hawks than he was pre-torture. His image is scary and ruthless and powerful.

On the flipside he’s super traumatized and emotionally vulnerable, like lbr he’s got complex ptsd and he’s devastatingly emotionally reliant on an apostle boyfriend which in no way helps, not to mention the issues he already had pre-torture like guit and self-loathing. And the whole point is that contrast. Like Griffith ordering fortresses to be burnt and razed to the ground vs Griffith being unable to sit too close to a campfire because sometimes the radiating heat gives him panic attacks. Griffith fighting effectively at the head of an army vs Griffith losing his grasp on the present in the dark and forgetting he’s not in a torture chamber. Part of why Griffith is more removed from the Hawks now is to keep these vulnerabilities hidden.

And wrt Guts and ~dark and twisted~ griffguts content, Griffith commanding a literal monster in battle vs Griffith, eg, never once saying “no” to him in bed bc he’s low key afraid Guts wouldn’t stop, both due to his own trauma and Guts being monstery, and he’d rather just never let that situation come up. Like, loving and needing Guts but being afraid of him after the apostle transformation, and denying that fear to himself. And it could vary. Sometimes being with Guts would be perfect, everything he wants, emotional and physical fulfillment, and sometimes it would pretty much be a form of self-harm. Sometimes he would crave sex and sometimes it would trigger him. Sometimes everything at once. That kind of thing.

And like lbr we’ve seen his inner darkness, Guts as an apostle would be a nightmare. He wouldn’t care about anyone except Griffith, possibly to the point of low key being a threat to the rest of the Hawks, and he’d be extremely possessive and needy. I don’t think he’d be like, completely out of control like the armour makes him, but I feel like his judgement would be shot, his impulse control would be shot, he’d have way more casual asshole tendencies a la Black Swordsman Guts (or even his imo insufferable cockiness post-vacation). He’d still have that eagerness to please wrt Griffith tho, so he wouldn’t be completely beyond Griffith’s control. He’d obey orders, at least to the same extent he did as an ordinary human lol, and he wouldn’t do anything to threaten Griffith’s image, his control and leadership over the rest of the Hawks, like insubordination or w/e. He likes the idea of Griffith being feared, and of being the only one (give or take Casca, probably) to see the vulnerable side of him. And he likes the idea of Griffith needing him to achieve his dream as well as needing him emotionally.

Like, in chapter 71 Guts basically realized that his desire to become Griffith’s equal by finding a dream of his own was stupid and doomed from the start, so I don’t think Griffith pursuing his dream again while he has no goals himself would bother him because now he knows how important he is to Griffith. And also I imagine post-torture Griffith would be willing and able to tell him that he values him over the dream. Even shares that it feels like an obligation to him. Like after that torture chamber monologue it’s easy to see him being more emotionally forthcoming with Guts, more revealing, more self-aware, at least in some ways.

They would both relish the sheer intensity of the others’ feelings for him, but Griffith would be afraid of his own feelings, how vulnerable they make him, and he’d be afraid of Guts’ literal monstrosity, both rationally because he’s a big undefeatable obsessive monster, and irrationally because apostles instill instinctive fear in humans. (That instinctive fear as symbolic of Griffith’s intense life-ruining feelings esp post-torture might be interesting tbh.) Guts would be afraid of Griffith hating him or growing indifferent, but as an apostle that would manifest in clinginess and possessiveness and a constant craving for proof of Griffith’s feelings. And for Griffith’s part he could take advantage of that in manipulative ways. Like I love the idea of an intense toxic relationship where the life-ruining feelings between them are occasionally weaponized by both.

Oh and you also got Griffith’s self loathing and guilt, and the knowledge that Guts became a monster entirely because of him, to help him, plus he rescued and healed him, and so he’d also be torn between feeling like he doesn’t deserve Guts, and feeling like he deserves Guts but in a penitent way, esp if he feels responsible for his monsterism, which he would whether that’s rational or not. Plus also feeling like Guts, as a monster who sacrificed a bunch of his friends to become one and now wreaks havoc in battle, is the only person who can understand him. “Do you think I’m cruel?” “What kind of question is that for the guy who killed a hundred men?” writ large. All the emotional dysfunctionality implied in that exchange taken to 100.

Griffith getting more ruthless and fucked up and taking comfort in a fucked up relationship with a literal monster as he pursues his dream. “You’re rough enough to share this with to the end.” Griffith in part relishing Guts’ monstrosity because it means they’re in this together. They’ll be together because who else would want them? Like a dark contrast to a happy Golden Age AU where Guts tells Griffith how he really sees him and it’s a step towards emotional healing and self love and whatever, this would be Griffith hating himself and being comforted by the thought that Guts is down in the dark with him. Dragging each other down instead of lifting each other up, yk.

(Guts tells Griffith he doesn’t regret it. This applies to both becoming a monster for Griffith’s sake, and leaving in the first place and all the destruction that caused, since it eventually led to both of them getting everything they’ve ever wanted. A kingdom, the Hawks, each other, everything worked out perfectly. Right?)

Also you have Casca and the rest of the Hawks for that excellent outsider/disturbed onlooker pov. Casca’s got her close relationship with both as well as her protectiveness of Griffith. Judeau’s got his detached perceptive observation. Corkus has his outrage and resentment. All good potential perspectives on this imo. Like eg imagine Corkus sowing discord by pointing out that they have no reason to trust Guts esp now that he’s a literal monster since he’s not even a Hawk after abandoning them, and they can’t even trust Griffith to keep him in line because lbr Griffith already fucked them all over once because of Guts.

Idk how it would end though. Something fucked up. Like say Griffith achieves the dream, settles into ruling, the realization that he only hates himself more than ever eventually creeps up on him, and he ends up goading Guts into killing him, like an impulsive and somewhat subconscious act of suicide. Guts becomes Zodd 2.0, wandering battlefields, looking for someone strong enough to take him out. Or maybe just living miserably ever after as Griff sets his sights on an empire (bc he can’t stop, bc as soon as he stops that’s akin to declaring that this end is worth all the deaths and pain and etc on the road to it, and nothing’s actually worth that, so he’s trapped and it sucks) would be a nice anticlimactic ending. Yk, something depressing.

Like overall it would be a giant trainwreck with extreme contrasts wrt power dynamics and emotions, which is basically my favourite kind of thing. Like there are definitely way more straightfoward ways to get dark and edgy griffguts lmao, like about a million post-Eclipse scenarios, but still it’s probably my favourite of the darker ideas I’ve had.

I just love the idea of post-torture Griffith + apostle Guts lol they’d be like the epitome of dysfunctional yet inseparable, and it’s a great starting point for compounding all of Griffith’s canon issues and exploring them.

#Anonymous #ask #headcanons #b #ty for asking i enjoy these opportunities to ramble about dumb au ideas and stuff #canon divergence

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samaraclegane · 6 years ago

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Hi I hope you do requests! And if you do I was wondering if you could do a fic where billy lives. It's basically the final scene for the Starcoup mall fight and the mind flair dies and billy lives and right after Steve runs up to him and showers him in all the love not carving that everyone can see and they don't know they are together and are shocked so they got bombarded with questions but it's all good in the end. I hope you have fun writing this!

author’s note: thanks so much, anon! loved this. super detailed, hope I managed to capture what you were going for with this one! I did indeed have fun writing this haha, always love writing ficlets involving my boys :)

-it’s like a shower. that’s all Steve can think for a good twenty seconds or so, as he stands there and feels the explosion of blood, puss, guts, whatever that thing is made of rain over his skin.

-he feels foul. he doesn’t think he’s ever felt any worse, doubts he ever will, emotionally and physically. he’s covered from head to toe in unidentified goop (hell, he’s not sure he even wants to give it a name, to know what it is; he might just throw up if he finds out) and his head is spinning, all drugged up.

-he’s got the beginnings of a pounding headache that’s already driving him crazy, but as he casts his gaze around the room, checking the kids are alright (well, not dead, at least, as he knows there’s variants on ‘alright’).

-they’re all stood there, faces painted with all kinds of different emotions. mainly they’re terrified, a few scared faces melt away to relief, and a few just look confused.

-there, at the centre of it all, stands Billy. he too is covered in whatever Steve’s covered in, and his hair looks as though it’s been doused. it’s all matted, his tank top is white with splatterings of blood on it.

-maybe it’s this disturbing sight that sends Steve running. in an instant, he’s rushing across the floor, hurrying to stand beside Billy, who looks like he might just faint. Steve’s ready to catch him in his arms when he suddenly looks at him, awake, more him than he’s ever been.

-”Steve?” he asks, groggily, “what... what are you doing here? I thought I told you to stay safe.”

-��yeah, yeah, you did,” Steve lets himself laugh, though it comes out more like a sigh of relief, all breathy and weightless, seeing how Billy seems to have come back to himself. “about three weeks ago, now, actually.”

-”three-” Billy’s eyes go wide, and he looks genuinely concerned. Steve doesn’t know what he remembers, doesn’t know what’s good for him to remember, thinks perhaps it’s best that he forgets the whole thing.

-”yeah, three, don’t mention it,” he confirms, nodding, then without thinking of the consequences he envelopes Billy’s wavering form in his arms and squeezes him close to his chest. “I was worried about you, man.”

-if it had been six months earlier, he’d have loathed the care that’s evident in his voice. he shouldn’t have cared what happened to Billy, should have been checking on each of the kids personally, but he wasn’t. he was here, hugging Billy, thanking whatever higher power that saved him from dying a gruesome death before his eyes.

-”yeah,” Billy’s reply comes, short and sweet, “yeah, I was worried about you too.”

-Steve’s somewhat quick to pull back, but he doesn’t move very far. instead, he threads his fingers through Billy’s damp curls, trying not to think too much about why they’re wet, and brushes them, staring at the man adoringly.

-”if you’d have-” Steve manages to choke out, and nothing else. he’s left hanging, his words floating without gravity in the air around him, implying unspeakable things. Billy just nods, bringing his own hand to rest atop of Steve’s.

-”I know, but I didn’t,” he tells him, as though he’s the one in control of the situation, which he might as well be for all the good Steve’s hysterical self is worth. “are you going to kiss me or what?”

-Steve isn’t quite sure if that question’s rhetorical, but judging by the weight that’s lifted from his chest when he hears the words, consenting to something he didn’t even ask, he figures it’s the permission he didn’t know he was waiting for.

-without another word nor hesitation, he launches himself forward, grasping desperately at Billy’s jaw. it’s hardly calculated, hardly the best kiss they’ve shared ever, but it’s real. it’s raw, it’s Steve pouring his soul into Billy, telling him things he doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready to say aloud to the man.

-Billy feels unstable at first. he stumbles backwards at the sheer force of Steve colliding with him, but when he steadies himself he’s right there, an undeniable presence pressing back into the kiss. Steve could almost curl up and die happy, then and there, elated and wholly fulfilled.

-he doesn’t, though. he pulls back and catches Billy’s eyes, which seem to be glinting. he looks borderline cheeky, though pained, and Steve remembers the blood on his shirt. he casts his eyes down, but Billy shakes his head. he sighs a great big sigh of relief.

-”uh, excuse me?”

-the little voice comes from behind them. well, the person is little, the voice is decidedly not so. Steve whips around to face Erica, who’s looking at him with an expression that’s somewhere between ‘I knew it’ and ‘what the hell am I looking at’.

-all he can offer her is a little shrug, a tilted head, and it seems this is enough, for now. Steve casts his eyes around everybody else, who’ve got their eyes locked on him.

-Robin approaches him, smirking to herself, and pats him on the shoulder. all she has to say to him as she strolls languidly past, like nothing’s happened, is, “welcome to the club, dingus.”

-Steve can’t even give her a look, she’s gone so quickly. he doesn’t know if he’d have given her a pointed look or a grateful one, but either way it doesn’t matter, because from behind her emerges Dustin, who looks straight up at him.

-”well, I can’t say I was expecting this, but...” he pauses briefly, sucking in a breath like a great burden is waging war against itself in his mind, then settles and smiles softly, “I’m happy you’re happy.”

-”thanks, man,” Steve says to him, then reaches down a hand to mimic Robin’s action towards him, patting him on the shoulder. they exchange a nod, and then a chorus erupts from behind him.

-”Billy?”

-more than one person says it. in fact, Steve might assume an entire herd of people said it, judging solely by how loud it is. turning around, he catches Jonathan, Nancy, Mike, Lucas, and Eleven all staring at him, though the latter seems more pleased than the others.

-”yeah,” is all he can offer in a meek voice.

-”it’s not even a sexuality thing at this point,” Lucas tells him, sounding genuinely exasperated, “it’s just like... ew.”

-”he’s gross, dude,” Mike explains Lucas’ point for him, and Steve looks to Billy. the kids are speaking like the man isn’t even there, like he hasn’t literally just been prepared to sacrifice his life for theirs and, actually, the entire world’s.

-”well,” Steve says, then makes a point of interlacing their fingers, making Billy look sheepish, avoiding the kids’ eyes but not even thinking of reversing the gesture. “I’m not asking you to date him, am I?”

-”I mean, I always knew you were bi, Steve,” Nancy interjects, though she seems to be monologuing a little more than talking directly to him. she shakes her head and gives him a confused look, continuing, “it’s cool and all but... come on.”

-”uh, okay, no-” Steve becomes sincerely offended for Billy now, because are they for real? “you’re not all about to do this. Billy, if you’ll remember, just nearly died for your sorry asses, and so you’re going to pay him a little respect.”

-at this, the bickering falls silent. they all seem to digest Steve’s words, finding he’s actually right, and then they all disperse, looking guilty, and leave Billy and Steve to their devices. after all, he is the hero, right? better give him some space.

-”thanks,” Billy mumbles to him, finally casting his gaze back up from the floor to look him in the eye, “that was a little... rough.”

-”you’re not kidding,” Steve sighs, absently running a thumb over Billy’s fingers in an effort to calm the man. “hey, you alright anyway?”

-”I-” Billy makes to lie, then shakes his head, letting down his guard, telling himself he can’t be like that with Steve, above anyone. “no, not really. I feel like my ribcage has collapsed in on itself, and I want to sleep for the next year, ‘f that’s alright with you.”

-”alright,” Steve says, speaking more softly this time, realising he’d been taking out his anger in the form of an aggressive tone in his conversation with Billy, when it wasn’t really his fault at all. “we’d better get you out of here, huh?”

-”yeah, please,” Billy acquiesces, squeezing Steve’s fingers tighter where they lie within his own, “that’d be real nice.”

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axiomink · 6 years ago

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A Happy Ending

One day you suddenly start hearing muffled voices and the amount of them slowly increases. Eventually, you find out that they are praying to you and that they are people from stories you have created! Somehow, they have gained sentience and have discovered that you created their world.

2.1k words

The air was dank and still as death itself. Suffocating, shoving its way into my throat and rotting my consciousness. The light of my lantern was the only thing keeping the monsters at bay, the only thing keeping their gnashing teeth from sinking it my skin.

“No no no,” I said aloud. “Too dark.”

I groaned and shoved the ancient typewriter away from me, then cracked open a lukewarm bottle of beer. I leaned back in my chair and stared at the ivory paper muddied by my words. Who was I kidding? I lost my touch. Ten years from the last time I wrote a paragraph had slipped through my fingers. Maybe in a past life the writing gods had blessed me, but in this one they only abandoned me.

After I chugged down the beer, I threw the empty bottle across the room, and it knocked my old cat in the head. He yawned and hissed at me, struggled to all fours, then bore his teeth—tail taut and stiff.

It wasn’t unusual for him to scold my self-loathing hijinks, but he would’ve calmed down by now. He stood up and trotted to the coat closet nestled in between the stairwell and the wall. He prodded the door with his paw. I stood up and leaned on my cane, then hobbled towards the closet. As I came closer, whispers leaked out and drifted into my ears. They were great in number and clamored over each other, yet I had never heard them before.

Palms sweaty, I nudged my cat away, cracked the door open, and peeked inside. A large portal, about six fee tall, hovered in the spot where my coats and jackets were supposed to be. The portal was bright and holographic, reflecting every light that touched it.

“What the hell,” I muttered.

The whispers grew louder, beckoning me like moths to a lamp. I stuck my fingers through, and after their tips brushed against silky foliage, I stepped through the portal. The whispers were deafening by now; saying, “Finish our story.”

I tripped on the seam of the portal and fell face-first into a pile of hangars and coats. I dug myself out and looked around to see five short figures, clad in dark, hooded cloaks, encircling me and chanting prayers and creeds. I stumbled back.

The tallest figure addressed me first. “We’ve done it!“

She whipped off her hood to reveal a pale, freckled face topped by ginger locks and bejeweled by emerald eyes. Her age shocked me the most; she had to be no older than eleven.

“Our creator has returned!” Her voice was girlish and innocent, with a tinge of exhaustion. “Everyone, bow!”

The four other figures collapsed to their knees, and the girl knelt at my feet.

“Wha—what is this?” I demanded, backing away.

The girl stood back up. “It’s me, Reese. You made me, remember?”

I picked through dusty, castaway memories.

“You were my first original character,” I said, half-guessing. “I created you as the main character for a book.”

Reese turned to the others, who pulled back their hoods as well.

“They remember! Do you remember anyone else?”

I studied the four faces. The boy with fluffy brown hair and brown eyes was Hunter, formerly Trevor. There was Jessie, Reese’s nerdy tech friend, with wild curly hair and dark skin. There was Missy, the resident mean girl turned buddy. And then there was . . . I grimaced.

“I’m sorry,” I said, turning towards the scrawny kid with messy, sand-colored hair. “I forgot your name.”

He gulped. “I uhh, can’t remember it either.”

“What?” I asked.

“Since you forgot it, so did he,” Reese said.

I stared at all of them. “How is this possible? How are you all . . . alive?”

“We’ve always been alive,” said Hunter, “from the moment you first thought of us. You are our benevolent god, and when you left us, we were forced to become sentient of our existence.”

“Okay, now this is getting a little creepy.”

“We just want you to set us free,” begged Missy. “We’ve been trapped here, in a static world that doesn’t change, expand, or age. We don’t how long it’s been. Time is an illusion here.”

“And how do I ‘set you free’, exactly?”

“Finish our story,” replied Reese. “Once you do, we’ll be able to take control of our own actions and world.”

I looked around me. I stood in a giant, lush forest. The grass was emerald green, the trees looked as if they touched the clouds, and wildlife was abundant. But as I examined closer, ominous things stuck out. I could feel no wind, the grass and leaves and foliage were beautiful in an unnatural way, and the animals moved stiffly, as if they were robots enslaved to a pre-written script. Even the horizon seemed empty and vague, like you’d fall off the edge of the earth if you left the forest.

“So I have to write the ending to the novel you guys were all in,” I said.

“Yes, but it has to be a real continuation, a real ending,” said Reese. “You have to put as much effort into it as you did before.”

I cringed. “Listen guys, I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. It’s been ten years since I tried writing anything—The Secret Forest was my last project.”

“But you have to help us,” chimed in the boy whose name I forgot.

“I said I can’t!”

I retreated towards the portal, but I secretly didn’t want to leave. I was curious and wanted to explore the world I had created.

“I knew they wouldn’t help us,” muttered Jessie.

“I’m not surprised either,” said Missy. “They abandoned us before anyway. Looks like you were wrong, prophet.”

Reese sighed and grabbed my arm. “Hey, can you at least stay with us for a bit? Maybe you’ll change your mind? Tell us about the universe you live in.”

The offer tempted me. “All right, fine.”

So I stayed there, in the forest. At first I forgot all about my cat, but he ventured through the portal and Missy found him on the second night. She continued to coddle the lively thing.

After spending time with the nameless boy, where he showed me magic tricks and told funny jokes, I decided to call him Curly. It wasn’t a great name, or even a good one, but Reese said once I finished the story, he’d be able to change it for himself.

In speaking of finishing the story, Reese still acted like I would do it, which made me uncomfortable. I distracted myself by spending hours building skyscrapers and transformer cars with Jessie.

I painted my face in striking colors and tried on dazzling clothes with Missy. Suits, dresses, she owned everything.

Hunter didn’t like me very much, and Reese told me it was because he was jealous. She was the main character, and so he was he, but slightly less so. He believed he should’ve been the prophet—the main character.

“But I still like him,” she said, sighing.

“Eugh,” I replied.

“What? He is the love interest after all! You used to ship us.”

“Yeah, but not anymore. Honestly, now that I look back, all of you guys sucked.”

Reese was taken aback. She shifted on the large tree branch we were sitting on. “Excuse me?”

“I’m just saying, all of you are one-sided and poorly developed. I based all of your personalities off of stupid tropes, you know. And you’re a friggin’ self-insert from when I was like, eleven.”

A tear welled in her eye. “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself,” she choked out. “You had just started writing.”

“Yeah, but I could’ve done better. That’s why I quit, you know? I just didn’t like what I was writing. It was just so . . . bad. Everything, the plot, the world-building, and especially the characters.”

By now her face was red as rubies. “But you are going to finish our story, right?”

I shrugged. “I dunno. Do I want to? I don’t really care or like any of you so. I’m not a writer anyway, not anymore.”

She turned away. “You don’t know what it’s like,” she muttered, “to not have name. You don’t know what it’s like being trapped, in a median where you’re never truly caught nor free. You don’t know what it’s like staring into the eyes of someone who loves you back, but you can’t have them. Or even confess to them. You don’t know what hopelessness feels like”

“Well, fun fact—I do,” I snorted. “Man, that sure was a dramatic monologue. Don’t remember writing you as the emo trope.”

Reese gasped and jumped down from the tree, landing with grace on the mossy ground. “Fine!” she yelled. “Go home then! Keep Hunter and I apart! Keep all of us from living our lives!”

She stormed off towards the waterfall and swiped her arm across her face.

I groaned and slipped down the tree, with much less precision and poise. I began to follow her, but Hunter appeared and stopped me.

“You should probably let her be,” he said. “Listen, I’m not going to tell you what to do, I’m not going to give you some stupid pep talk about how you’re still a writer. Maybe you are, maybe you’re not. You don’t have to keep writing, and you don’t even owe us a happy ending. But remember that you created something you still control, and you’re responsible for it.”

I stared at him. “Well, I certainly don’t remember writing you like this either.”

“Every character has potential,” he responded.

I thought for a moment, then turned and headed to the waterfall.

Reese bent over her reflection as it rippled with the waves. The waterfall towered over her, pouring gallons of sapphire liquid from an eternal source.

“It’s the only area that changes,” she explained, hearing us approach.

“Do you have a typewriter I could borrow?” I asked.

She didn’t look at me. “What’s a typewriter?”

“You’ll uh, you’ll find out. Is there any paper around, then? I need lots of it.”

“Why?” she asked, solemn.

“Guess.”

She stood up. “What made you change your mind?”

Hunter nudged me and whispered, “Don’t tell her I did it, she will not like that.”

“I just decided to,” I said. “Do I have to like, put something that indicates it’s the end?”

“No,” Reese said. “It’s the end whenever you decide it’s the end. You have to return home first, I imagine. Since our world will change drastically when you close it off.”

“Of course.”

So Curly came over and slapped down a stack of fresh copy paper while Missy gave me her lucky pencil and eraser. Then I got settled in the lush grass and wrote and wrote, scribbling my heart and mind out.

For the first few hours writer’s block trapped me, but my characters gave me ideas and helped me fight through it. Callouses formed on my fingers, my eyes were bloodshot, but I kept pressing the lead to paper. Missy’s pencil was soon ground to a nub, and eraser bits covered the area.

I wrote from sun up to sun down, and once I was nearly done I wished everyone goodbye—Curly, Missy, Jessie, Hunter, and Reese. Missy gave back my old cat, who had warmed up quite a bit to her.

They escorted me to the field where they prayed before, and I helped Reese summon another portal. Everyone waved and cheered as I stepped through—papers, cat, and coats in my arms.

I tumbled out of the closet and sealed the portal, then sat down in front of my typewriter and put the finishing touches on the ending. Once I was sure it was done, I wrote, ‘The End’ in big, bold letters, just to make it official.

It was a rough draft, so it was far from perfect. I knew that. But I didn’t mind this time.

I leaned back and wondered what kind of life my characters would lead. Jessie might become a NASA scientist; Curly a stand-up comedian or perhaps a famous Youtuber; Missy a fashion designer; Reese an environmental activist; and Hunter would follow her where ever.

Afterwards, I never wrote again.

THE END

So this was for a mini-contest. I know it’s vaguely personal essay-esque, because I feel like if my ocs came to life there’d be a certain set that would be very upset with me. My first idea was that the ocs would kidnap me and take me to their world because this crazy serial killer from another story I wrote somehow escaped into their world, and I would be the only one who could stop him. That idea would have had more of a humorous slant, but in the end I just went with this one.

#writing #short story #writeblr #writing prompt #creative fiction #original writing #my writing #axioms

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holbyconfessional · 7 years ago

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Holby City S20 E25 - Primum Non Nocere - Part 2

Fuck me, that was a bit of a rollercoaster! I should probably start with Jac, but let’s face it, most thoughts (and feels) I’ve had around this episode are Berena related, so I’m just diving straight in.

I’ve been prepared for the worst. And it’s pretty horrific watching them fight and pick at each other for the first large part of the episode. I’m still very much of the opinion that we were cheated out of a great deal of happiness in the first days of their relationship, by their new romance taking so much of a backseat before being so quickly derailed by Elinor’s death. So, whilst it has been beyond wonderful to have Bernie back on our screens for a couple of episodes, to not really see much happiness for the majority of those eps was still tough to take. BUT, there were really pure and wonderful moments in the painful angst. From the moment that Bernie walked into Greta’s cubicle, after her chat with Fleur, just the way she only had eyes for Serena was just beautiful. Followed, of course, by the chat on the corridor floor, the reminiscences about Elinor (yes, I shed a tear, because CR’s acting was just sublimely good), and even the break up scene, which I actually legitimately sobbed through. Because JR’s acting after Serena went in to meet her grand-niece was just that sublimely good.

And of course, who could fault the post-Fleur and Donna Serena intervention scenes, when Serena chases after Bernie? Somebody had to talk sense into Serena, because who in their right mind would let Bernie go??!! And as for asking Bernie to wait, let’s face it - Bernie is ex-army, she is used to being separated from loved ones for extended periods of time, and whilst I’m not suggesting it’s easy for her, nor her choice at this point in her life, she would hardly say no to something she’s learned emotionally to deal with, right? And THANK YOU, HOLBY FOLKS - because, she’ll be back, soon enough... (I’m not sure I’ve ever been quite so grateful to be proved so wrong!)

The thing with Berena is, that whilst it has been heralded as this hitherto unrepresented older lesbian relationship without death (if you choose to overlook the death of Serena’s daughter), it’s actually much more than that. It’s been pigeonholed, but I actually think it stands it’s place in the grander scheme, and whilst it means so much to so many, it’s much more than just a ‘lesbian’ relationship. It deserves to be up there amongst any relationship, regardless of gender/identity of the participants. I literally can’t remember a time in Holby history where any relationship has been treated with such care and attention - and I think we do have the representation aspect to thank for that, but (and I may be waxing lyrical, and not making that much sense), to me, it is ‘all that’.

Anyway, and loathe as I am to admit it - there were other storylines in tonight’s show. And other aspects to Serena’s story! So, here we go.

Gaskell’s monologue to an unconscious patient which kicked off the show, and was shown throughout. I had initially thought it was Jac, and was most glad at the end of the ep to be shown that it wasn’t. I think it was that first patient, the one that I’d initially thought was a loved one, who has been in the coma for years, although still not sure.

I have to admit, I still feel like I don’t quite get all of Gaskell’s storylines. It might have something to do with not catching some of what he mutters, but it feels like it’s one of the least coherent stories that they’ve run, and it’s all done almost in subtext. I’m not a stupid person, but I do constantly find myself wondering what the hell is happening within that story. So, he’s acknowledged that Meena is right, that patients are dying from encephalitis, but he lied to Meena and Roxanna by telling them that his latest patient is responding to treatment, when in fact he isn’t, and won’t. But none of that really matters, because Jac realises that she’s got a 50/50 of dying, but wants to go ahead anyway, because death is better than a life with neurological deficits, or pain, despite the fact she has a daughter. And Gaskell pretends to laud Meena for her actions, but is secretly looking for a way to get rid of her for derailing his maniacal need to trailblaze, which of course yap-flapper Meena gives him by not managing to keep her idiot mouth shut to the random researcher (who happens to tell Gaskell that they’ve been running basically the same trial in mice with the same 50/50 outcome). Incidentally, in my opinion, Gaskell was quite right to boot Meena. He just did it for totally the wrong reasons. Fwiw.

Aaaand, Jac has had the surgery, it has ostensibly worked, so now we just get to wait and see if she dies. And let’s face it, she’s gonna get a fever and high CRP etc, regardless of the final outcome, coz otherwise, where would the drama be??!!

Good to see Henrik, and so lovely to see him worried about Jac. I like to think if he’d remained CEO, Gaskell’s shadiness would have been uncovered by now. And continuing with Jac, I simply love that Sacha knows her so well - as he showed when speaking to Fletch about how she deals with things, and the anniversary of Jasmine’s death.

The meeting room was quite fun, with Sacha inadvertently spilling Fletch’s romantic dilemma to Abigail, although yet again, Sacha being used as the buffoon was a shame. But I can’t deny that it was mildly comedic. Sadly, yet again, it seems to have only drawn Fletch and Abby closer together. I find myself wondering, am I the only anti-Flabby campaigner out there? RM has all but confirmed that Flac will never happen because neither she nor AW want it to, and I’m ok with that, because I was massively anti-Flac when those rumours first surfaced, but I just can’t get behind Flabby either, and the worse part is, I just don’t know why!

I think my final thoughts of tonight are regarding Fleur Fanshawe (which actually also brings me nicely full circle back to Berena!). Fleur was always quite a pushy character, but tonight, she was downright offensive intially in her flirting over Serena. I felt quite awful for Bernie for a bit there. I’m really glad we got a bit of backstory/filler to explain how Fleur is suddenly Obs&Gynae after being General Surgical, because that was flummoxing me a little. Shame the backstory didn’t extend to what happened to Sophia. Although why should it, I suppose. Relationships come and go, and I guess Serena has all the low down considering how often she goes for drinks with Fleur - as suggested by Fleur to Bernie. So, after starting the episode as quite a thorn in the side, I guess she finally came through, first with her chat to Bernie whilst Bernie was outside having a fag (and looking unbelievably glorious), then later with her remonstration of Serena for letting Bernie go, thereby precipitating their reconciliation, albeit for 48 hours and then long distance. So, I say, go Fleur. And if you do what you promised Bernie and stop chasing Serena, and just be your gloriously bolshy, gay self, chasing after your own unattached ladies, then please stay on our screens and brighten these grey days until Bernie’s next return!!

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