#painfulstitches17

[painfulstitches17]

Siegemas 2020 day 11 :

"You. Me. Snowman. Now."

A short Bandit/Jäger story where they build a snowman for @dualrainbow 's event. Thanks again !

Tiny sprinkle of angst otherwise it's not me. Hope you like it ! 💛

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28018854

[r6shippingdelivery]

Fanfiction Work-In-Progress Guessing Game : kiss

I was hoping we’d get some excerpt from that third wip that didn’t come up with the previous guesses, but it seems it’s cursed to be left in obscurity, damn 😂 

And it seems I used the word kiss a fair lot in the one of the wips, so I’m being a tease and only showing two of the instances, sorry!

Glaz’s remark got a laugh out of Kapkan, and in that moment he looked so alive and vibrant that the rest of the world seemed to stop existing. The impulse to grab Kapkan by his jacket and drag him closer for a kiss was nearly overwhelming, but the roar of the crowd kept Glaz from acting.

.

Glaz hummed in agreement, kissing his jaw and neck and leaving a trail of wet marks on the hunter’s skin. Yes, he remembered their agreement: whoever won this match could ask for whatever he wanted, and the other party would comply. However, Glaz felt the need to point out a small detail, “You still haven’t told me what you want.”

[gaaebolg]

@painfulstitches17 @birdgirl69

thank you!!! ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜

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Let me add to this :

• He does voluntary work at an animal shelter whenever he can. He takes care of the animals and they keep him calm and grounded, win-win situation.

• He's good at observing and keeps an eye on anybody that seems down, makes sure that they eat/sleep properly and if they don't, he voices his concerns to Doc who takes it from there. It's their little secret. Doesn't want somebody else to suffer like he has before, self 👏 care 👏

• And because I'm biased, he acts like a big brother towards Jäger since he (seemingly) didn't get to have any siblings. Might get Cedrick on it too back in Germany because why not ?

Kinda wanna make a wholesome Bandit thread

Would anyone contribute to it ?

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I'm back from the dead for Siege-O-ween 2020 day 13th !

How fitting ?

Thanks again to @dualrainbow for organizing and giving me a chance to participate in another great event 💛

Prompt : What's that in the water ?

Warning : contains slight gore.

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A pretty tough piece. Please read the warnings before reading.

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i wann hear everything you got for lion pls 😏

In no order of importance :

- Often chews bubblegum to fight off anxiety, blowing bubbles gives him something to focus on.

- Still listens to the bands he used to fawn over as a teenager.

- Bisexual 100%

- Has a hard time reconciling his sexual orientation with his faith until a priest tells him that God made him this way for a reason.

- Actually holds a lot of remorse.

- Fell in love with Doc the first time he saw him, love at first sight.

- Despises formal attire and jumps out of it once he gets out of church.

- Is too proud to admit he's at fault but will turn around with time.

- Afraid of using guns the first few times and still doesn't trust using them sometimes.

- Considers Finka one of his closest friends along with Montagne and his ex.

- Will spend his money on expensive gifts for his son... But money doesn't buy happiness nor recognition as a dad, does it ?

- Has had a few feuds with Bandit, some of which ended up with a beer after a fist fight.

- 200% would sacrifice himself, making him not so far off to Doc in the end...

- Still holds respect for Thatcher, he's just a dummy with a bad mouth sometimes.

- Might think he's as terrible as his reputation is when he's low.

Verdict : good boi that needs protection.

All I can think of right now ! He'd actually be really nice to explore in a one shot or something.

Thanks for asking sweetie 💛

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OTP Songlist - Bandit/Jäger

Hey there ! I’ve been tagged by the great @r6shippingdelivery​ for the OTP songlist challenge ! Thank you 💛 There’s no way in hell I’m not doing it for Bandit/Jäger, that’d be weird coming from me... I’m going to give a few “explanations” as to why I feel like they fit just because ! 1. Marshmellow ft. Bastille - Happier (Stripped)  → I’ve been asociating this song with them since writing The Fires Of Spring. I kept listening to it on repeat to get into the mood aaand... there you go. Like to think it’s Bandit’s POV. 2. Halsey - Graveyard & Audio version  → Def Jäger’s POV. 3. Halsey - Heaven In Hiding → Just like the dynamic I figure they’d have. 4. Marshmellow x Kane Brown - One Thing Right (Duke & Jones Remix) → Def coming from Bandit 5. Gallant - Doesn't Matter (Rynx Remix) 6. Tom Walker - Play Dead → I see them chilling so much when I listen to this... 7. Billie Eilish - Come out and play 8. Sigrid - Mine Right Now 9. Sigrid - Sucker Punch I don’t know who to tag so if you see this, feel free to play along 👀

[painfulstitches17]

Keep it slow (Bandit x Jäger)

It was an early morning back in Germany, air cool against his skin, the sun was slowly rising in the horizon, on a road cutting through fields in the middle of nowhere, some place near Dusseldorf he had never encountered. The wind made the leaves dance high in their branches, catching Marius' attention. Did everyone experienced the world as vividly as he did ? The countryside had always been a favorite place of his despite his love for machinery, a way to flee the painful city. Working on motorcycles and cars in a wooden barn around his hometown at sixteen was part of the best days of his life, surrounded by the quiet greenery and the random chirping of passing birds. He could think there, nothing to bother him for hours on end, nothing to crowd his mind. He'd lay down in the grass after a while, looking up at the blue sky. All kinds of books would await him in the evening, helicopters remaining his wildest dreams. The only compensation was to help the old man lending him the space, he sometimes missed those simpler days when things got ugly.

"Do you have any data yet? I'm lost on this fucking map."

Dominic "Bandit" Brunsmeier, his best friend. They've known each other for a few years now, Dominic liked to keep to himself and it had been difficult at first but the ice had melted between them. Now Marius couldn't imagine a life without him in it. The older man hadn't got it easy, a drawn out undercover mission that left both physical and psychological scars, losing his family in the process. The way he talked was akin to dark humour, cracking up jokes to tell the other how he felt, what he had done. Marius didn't always get it but he tried. Dominic was no-nonsense when it came to his work and Marius liked it, focused on the task at end just like he was, if not slightly enjoying it sometimes. They got along well.

So well that Jäger realised he had fallen in love.

Talking about cars and motorcycles, the later being of huge interest to his best friend, even going as far as to work on Dominic's one together. Going on small trips with the rest of the GSG9 (or not) around Hereford, engine roaring, Marius' hands firmly in place on Dominic's sides as they enjoyed the adrenaline. The long hours of doing nothing but being in each other's company, nose in books, watching TV, hands tinkering with objects. The way Bandit could make him focus on days when everything was too much too quickly, when he felt like he couldn't escape the noise and surrounding blur. Marius felt comfortable when Dominic was by his side.

Until he didn't, until Smoke was in the picture and Bandit started talking about past lovers and soiled sheets, until he heard details of tongues in intimate places and mouths full of hot, sticky love, until multiple partners at once were mentioned and how nothing could top off such experiences, how he had lost himself in random bathrooms knees on cold floors too busy doing something else rather than watching the movie on the screen, stranger's hands in his hair and a will to forget everything else. Until he said he wasn't certain he could love someone ever again. Maybe it had to be expected, he was scarred so deep he feared being burnt again.

They have seen each other crying in the middle of the night, uncertainties, fears, traumas, pain, nightmares, words soothing but wounds never healing. When Marius wasn't joyful and gentle he was distant and anxious. When Dominic wasn't confident and mischievous he was depressed and self-loathing. Countless nights were spent with a hand around Marius' arm, resting on his stomach or holding him in his sleep to make sure he was still there and breathing. Countless nights where long gone names resonated off the walls, be it from untimely death or abandon. Countless nights where Dominic would look at him like he didn't believe Marius was still there by his side, realising it had been a nightmare all along. He couldn't blame him.

"Not yet, maybe we should get going, it's stressing me out."

Despite all of this... He couldn't let it go. The blond hair split by a mysterious scar, trimmed beard, brown eyes and hooded lids always on the lookout, pink lips on which his name sounded ten times softer, the tattoos which he thought were over the top but wouldn't question, the outside showing danger but a heart twice as big as he let on, hunched over the hood of the car now and cursing at the paper map threatening to blow away with the wind, the glance he just gave him screaming it'll be alright'. Nothing could make this sliver of hope go away when he looked at Dominic.

They finally arrived after an additional half an hour of struggling to get ahold of Marius' uncle and rolling around the neighborhoods, the rented hall finally revealing itself outside the city. It looked inviting surrounded by trees and other greenery, the large window panes giving them a glimpse of the upcoming chaos. Marius wasn't that fond of family gatherings.

The Streicher way consisted of family and friends getting together for a day, usually during summer, an abundance of food, people, children and music, all of which had a way to wear him down after just a few hours. He always found it funny how his line of work broke him less than these events, still, he wouldn't miss it if he could make time for it as he liked most of these people. Dominic had long been adopted by them so he agreed to join and be somewhat of an emotional support. Marius knew he also craved these sorts of interactions having no family members willing to talk to him left, they complemented each other's needs that way. 

The first few steps inside were just as expected as the noise reached them with full force, children running around, different smells mangling together and worst of all, the addition of a dancefloor and its accompanying DJ. Bandit seemed to have spotted the buffet but stopped himself in time to realise that maybe he should greet everyone before indulging. Gluttony incarnate, Jäger thought.

It was hot inside, Jäger had long since lost Bandit who knows where, though probably close to the buffet. It was time for a break outside away from all the noise, children were playing out there but he could live with it for now. It had felt like an eternity, answering questions over and over from everybody under the sun, most of the time having to repeat himself, again. He took a seat at the furthest part of the venue's garden, bathed in the sun and surrounded by magnificent pink rose bushes. It was nice being around people he had spent his childhood with for a change. A soft breeze against his cheeks reminded him of his adolescence again, the choices and missed opportunities. Overall, he was happy, wasn't he ? As happy as could be when you suffered from PTSD and mild injuries, sure, but happy nonetheless. He had found another part of his family with rainbow, one that could surpass his expectations, one where he didn't worry being himself. He loved his biological one but rainbow was where he was his full self. And... He had Dominic now, too. Fuck, he can't stop thinking about him, can he ?

Where was he anyway? His eyes spotted a figure coming towards him but it was far from the bearded man, a young brunette in a long, ankle length dress and a nice, white brimmed hat was indeed coming closer. He recognized her, she was a family friend. Each and every time they met, she would make sure he felt alright, initiating small talk and offering drinks. She was several years younger, wasn't she ? She took a seat next to him, the same song and dance they usually went through. Now Jäger had to go through the same round of questions he had already went through earlier today. She started monologuing, not unusual since Marius had a hard time relating or even caring. She seemed like a good person but unless you talked about his few interests, he could completely be turned off. Plus, she kept leaning against him.

That was when he felt watched. Eyes darting towards the building, Dominic was standing at the door nursing a drink, looking right at them. After a while of staring, he left. Hm, peculiar.

It was almost midnight, the cold air rolling in from outside alleviating the hot and humid sensation still lingering from such a busy day indoors. Marius was sitting at one of the round tables nursing a glass of alcohol, an ineffective way of drowning the ever growing discomfort his surroundings were giving him. He quickly spotted Bandit coming in big strides towards him, picking up a chair before seating himself close to the engineer. "You're drinking again ? Guess I'll be the one driving us home." "Doesn't it always ends like this?" He earned a laugh from Dom. "We should stick around a bit and then leave, I'm getting tired." "Alright, the buffet is empty anyway and I'm getting bored of your drunken uncles and all. Nice people but I can't stomach the politics." Jäger couldn't help but snort, it was so typical it almost sounded like a parody of himself.

They stayed here for a while, just looking at the others enjoying themselves. The music had gotten softer as the day had progressed, which they were both glad for, until the lights got switched off leaving space for a more intimate ambience. People gathered in pairs towards the DJ, the music started again and... It was a slow. The two defenders looked at each other, surprised. That was new. Jäger felt a feeling tugging around in his stomach, like an envy. Wouldn't it be nice to be so close to Dominic, just like they were ? "You know-... Oh fuck, not again." Dominic put his face in his hands, visibly annoyed. "What's wrong?" "She's coming towards us, that gal you were talking with earlier today." He tried pointing in her general direction as subtly as he could. "She keeps flirting with you Marius." "What ? No, she's not, she's just being nice. I've known her for years, she's one of my cousin's friends." "Yeah and that friend looks at you like she looks at a Snickers bar, believe me, she wants you. Can't you see her body language? Wait, of course you don't but I saw it from meters away!" Dom whispered.

Before Jäger could interject, the woman was taking a seat next to the both of them. "Hi boys, what are you talking about?" "Just work." Bandit's voice sounded like a growl, his expression somewhere near anger. "Need anything ?" "Oh I just wanted to spend some time with Marius, we don't get to do that often, do we?" She put her hand on Jäger's arm as she said this, whom put his glass down before dropping it from stress. The atmosphere was almost suffocating, the two of them ready to jump at each other's throat while he was stuck in the middle. What was going on?

"You know what, let's dance together Marius ! This would be so romantic, don't you think?"

Jäger's mouth felt dry. Dominic was right. How was he going to get himself out of this ? He felt uncomfortable shifting in his seat, the woman staring at him almost pleadingly, hopeful that her advances would be successful. Nobody knew he wasn't into women, he was too scared to be open about it. Should he keep the facade and accept? The thought made his stomach turn not only because it would be lying to others while caging himself down but because the only person he wanted to be close with was Dominic. Looking back at her, her head cocked to the side like a confused puppy, eyebrows raised, Marius felt a slight panic. He had to act, didn't he? He tried opening his mouth but fear pushed his words back in his throat, his heart pulsing harder and harder. Shuffling beside them finally broke the awkward tension rising.

"Sorry darling, this man's taken."

The hand that grabbed Marius' pulled him up from his chair and before he knew it, they found themselves in the middle of the other couples. Dimmed lights were hiding the bright smile on Dominic's face as he tried his best not to erupt in laughter. Marius was unsure if he should be focusing on the divine looking man in front of him, shifting lights changing the features of his face as they tried to 'dance', or the hands firmly planted on his hips. "That's not where you put your hands, you look awkward, have you never done this before ?" Bandit said close to his ear. The negative head shake he got in return made him laugh. "Let me show you." Bandit grabbed his wrist ever so gently, Jäger's arms now placed around his neck, bodies almost flush against one another, hands traveling down to the other's hips again. "God you're clumsy !" Dominic was talking but it was barely registering, Marius laughed when he thought he had to pretending not to be looking at the other's lips with need. He tentatively turned his attention to the rest of the room only to be stopped in his tracks.

"Just look at me." And so he did, his gaze never leaving Dominic's, the only person he had almost no issue doing so. Since when did Dom smell this good ? A faint mix of nicotine and cologne he couldn't ignore now, every fiber of him was screaming how much he wanted Bandit. To Marius he was the embodiment of temptation, perfectly sculpted, charming despite some parts of his personality and he would be lying if it didn't add to it in some way. It had been so hard hiding it, pretending for the sake of their friendship. There was nothing he could do, he needed him, he couldn't do without him, his heart was slamming against his ribcage like it was about to jump out. Marius wanted to show him he didn't have to be alone, heal this ache he knew he had in his chest-

The was, kissing Dominic. The feeling of lips on lips, the taste of alcohol and sweets still on his skin transferring onto Jäger's, hands traveled up to Dominic's hair pulling him closer with desperate need. Was he being pulled closer as well or was it just his imagination ? It was unclear who of the two initiated the addition of tongues in the middle of it all but there was no complaining. Dominic was sure Marius had left out a small whine as he playfully bit his bottom lip, a slight feeling of possessiveness growing. How many times had Jäger dreamed of doing this ? How many times had he been close to act upon his deepest wishes ? There was no going back, he was loving every single second of it, oblivious to the world around him.

The world around him.

The kiss broke as suddenly as it had started, Dominic's fingers hurting his midsection while Marius' hands caressed the messy hair underneath them. The world around him. There was a glimmer in Dominic's eyes, gears turning inside that silly head of his. The world around him, the world around him. Butterfly kisses were placed on his cheeks, beard scratching at his skin. Eyes darted around the room, distinguishing silhouettes from the dark background. Eyes, stares. What was Dominic doing? The world around him. Lips trailed down to his neck, softly kissing the pale skin underneath as they're staring a hand caressing his lower back as they were still attempting to follow a semblance of rythm like the other couples. They're not a couple, what if this is unwelcome? What if he's pretending ? A hand pushed past the collar of his shirt, the tie and first few buttons long gone due to the heat and as everyone was looking fingers traced his collarbone. They shouldn't be doing this here. Whispers fell into his ear but their message was left cryptic in Jäger's mind because he was going to get Dominic hurt, was he going to get hurt? No, that's absurd. What if somebody reacts badly? He shouldn't have done that, but it's irrational

Shaking hands pushed the bearded man away as softly as they could, Marius felt as if he was watching the events unfold, unable to control what was happening. "I'm sorry..." He could hear his name behind his back as he made a beeline for the closest exit to the parking lot. Several people tried talking to him but he wasn't looking for a chat, especially not right now. He swung the double doors open nearly running into the few men having a smoke outside. He ignored his name, the question being raised. Marius wanted out and away.

It was a disaster, he had made a mistake, outed himself to his whole family and friends, kissed his best friend when he shouldn't have and was now ready to ignore everybody and hide until the end of times. He loved Dominic so dearly, it hurt just thinking about how their relationship might change for the worst. He stopped himself against their car, finally able to breathe for a while. Could he even fix this ? Not without time travel he thought. The sound of footsteps on the gravel fueled his anxiety, he didn't want to see anybody, explain himself, or worse.

"Give me the keys."

That was it, he fucked up, Dom was going to leave him here and he would be right to do so. Marius overstepped boundaries and there was clearly no going back, he was going to lose him right then and there for a joke he hadn't understood, or he ignored even. He gave him the keys, barely looking in an attempt to hide the tears threatening to fall.

"What are you waiting for? Get in, we're running away!" Running away ? Curiosity almost overrid his previous thoughts because what the hell was he talking about? What are they running from ? He obliged, avoiding to look at the other German. The car came to life and they quickly made it away from the venue. Dominic wasn't mad.

"Fuck Marius... You're going to hate me." He was clearly suppressing a laugh. "What did you do ? Should I be worried ?" "After you left, a few of your very drunk family members thought they should give me a piece of their mind about two men kissing." Jäger was mortified, the worst case scenario was happening, wasn't it ? "So I told them to go suck a dick or lick some pussy to calm down." Bandit was now trying his hardest not to burst into full blown laughter. "But there were kids around, so a few parents got pretty angry but I kept cursing while running out for you! Don't look at your phone, I'm sure there's nothing worthwhile on it. Your uncle was worried but he just laughed so hard, even waved me goodbye!" That was it. That was the thing that pushed Jäger to a fit of laughter he had rarely had before, closely followed by Bandit's. What was Dominic thinking ? Scratch everything, this was the best outcome possible.

The minutes passed quicker than expected, both finally calming down after a while, still, Jäger couldn't brush off the idea that what he did was wrong in some way. They stopped at a red light not far from the apartment, the car drowned in the shade. "Dominic... You're not mad at me ?" There was a pause as they looked at each other. The eldest finally broke the silence. "No, why would I be ? Wait, did you believe I would be ?" There was a nod on Jäger's part.

"Fuck, Marius... Have you seen how we kissed ? Do you really think I'd be angry? I've been waiting for that to happen for a while. No matter how I tried to make you wary of me you still looked at me like I was your world. Don't tell me otherwise, you're not the best when it comes to discretion." Bandit came closer, faces inches apart making the other look away. "Look at me." Bandit tried softer when he realized his words were sharper than intended, as usual. "Please Marius, look at me." He waited until he tentatively turned his head again. "I've been in love with you too. I love you, I really do." It was Dominic who initiated this time, pressing themselves together as best as they could in the car. It was soft, oh so soft, like he was trying to declare his love as gently as possible in this single act. Hands found themselves traveling down Jäger's torso with an obvious need to discover each and every spot. The heat sure was quickly rising. "Fuck, Dom" the man crashed against him harder at his name, tongues rougher and shirt buttons popping off their holes. "Dom, the light's green..."

Oh. "Fuck !" Bandit left out a giggle that surprisingly made its way down Jäger's stomach, a flutter forming. It was happening, he had what he had dreamed about, it was happening, oh God-A hand sitting on his thigh sure did become a distraction from his own thoughts, which rapidly headed down south.

The car finally came to a stop in the parking lot, the two lovers pressing themselves out of the vehicle. Hands found themselves entangled without even having to wonder about it. It felt natural, didn't it? The elevator came down with a satisfying ding allowing them to enter into momentary privacy, butterfly kisses being spread across cheekbones and necks.

They tried to straighten themselves right before having to step out but anybody could tell, right? Maybe by the way Bandit was pulling Jäger by the arm, an idea rummaging in his mind Jäger was sure they both shared, or the fact that the engineer's shirt was open already. Dominic was the one pinned to the wall when Marius looked for his keys, the keyhole too hard to find while desperately kissing another man in the middle of a barely lit hallway.

But when the door gave in, allowing them in, they both knew the night was long from over.

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Know I’ll keep moving, though I am bruised 🎵

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Animal crossing New Horizons

20/03/2020 on switch.

[painfulstitches17]

Any headcanons for my good boi Sledge?

In no particular order of importance :

- Still plays rugby on a regular basis.

- tried to get the other SAS boys into it but ended up with a wounded Mute and a frustrated Smoke.

- Has a brother like relationship with his unit, even Thatcher.

- Loves to embrace his culture and might wear kilts during official events, the most formal attire he can think of.

- Also tried making the younger SAS to try kilts. Thatcher declined.

- He is regarded as an authority figure, his height and build don't help.

- Will use it to his advantage when picking up Smoke out of dangerous/bad situations. Or Jäger.

- Is very affectionate with Mute but tries not to baby him in any way.

- Has a friendly relationship with Jäger and often plays chess with him as he teached him a while ago.

- Loves cooking breakfast but terrible at savory dishes.

- Kind of the silent type. It has lead to only one look sufficing to make someone shut up.

- Can be overprotective on the battlefield. He actively tries to change this habit and stop unnecessarily endangering himself.

- Will regularly hold a sledgehammer picking contest, keeps tabs on who lifts it the highest. To no surprise, Monty's first. (And Bandit dropped it on his toes once.)

- Is friends with the Spetsnaz, especially Tachanka. Will drink with them on the weekends.

- Participates in hammer throw competitions.

- First one to be called when furniture needs to be moved. Loves watching people's faces as he picks up everything so easily.

- Will take wellbeing very seriously, especially for the youngest operators. Mute often confides in him as he is a good listener.

- Has once picked up both Ying and Mira on his shoulders one night at a Rainbow party.

- Also did lifting with Smoke at the same party, whom was laughing like a schoolgirl while drunk.

- Surprisingly enough, he adopted a Yorkshire Terrier named Lewis. The difference in size is the funniest thing most have seen.

Thanks for asking Anon 💛 Hope you enjoy this !

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Ohh, another victim- I mean, writer friend who is accepting questions 😄 Could you do: 6, 10, 13, 25, 30 and 46?

The Spanish nation is attacking ! Quick, to the boiling oil 😂 (Belgium, fries, get it ?)

6. Single or multiple POV?

I honestly like both but I tend to prefer a single POV, either because it's simpler or because I like not giving away what's in the other character(s) mind 👀

8. Do you set yourself deadlines?

Not. At. All. I can't keep them, in fact I'd say they make me miserable. I have to force myself when I could just go with the flow instead, I don't need the added stress. It's done when it's done.

10. Describe your writing process from idea to polished

I get the idea, develop it a bit, do some research then I tend to daydream about it while going through songs that give me the right mood for what I have in mind. Then I write while listening to said song(s), more daydreaming, more writing, rereading a lot trying to polish it, once I'm satisfied I press the release button !

12. Favorite part of writing

The moment when everything is like you've imagined it to be and you can post it. Gives me like an adrenaline rush to send it into the wild 😂 (though I love everything about it)

14. Favourite idea you haven't started on yet

I'm going to sound weird but I like when characters get hurt, not in a "omg yes they're hurt ! >:D" but in a "omg no, they're hurt D': " kind of way. It tickles my otherwise non-existent motherly instinct ? I don't want to give it away but I want to write at least one thing where there's guenuine stuff at stake and of course, the aftermath. There might even be graphic descriptions. I'm into hurt/comfort that's what I'm saying jeez Mel.

46. Do you reread your own stories?

Yes but it's a double edged sword, sometimes I'll like what I've written and other times I'll hate it, thinking about how I would change it or how it's a terrible piece altogether. I still do it though.

Thanks for the ask Kiki 💋💛

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Three words.

Edit : FUCK I FORGOT THE WARNINGS : GRAPHIC TALK OF HARM TO ONESELF AND OTHERS

_______

There was something pretty terrible about trauma : it changes you, like rewriting your very DNA, shaping you to its liking. It had been years but his brother's death was still weighting on him because it was his goddamn fault.

What do you do when your brain won't stop repeating the same thoughts over and over again ? When each corner is filled with this anxious feeling, clinging to words muttered under your breath ? When each worry is stretched and molded into convoluted stories making absolutely no sense and creating new fears out of sheer will. When everybody needs protecting and if you fail, you're a miserable excuse of a human being because you couldn't do enough ?

What do you do when you want to hurt the person in front of you ? When putting your hands around their neck flashes before your eyes ? Cutting and scratching and it never stops. When making them cry fills your mind and you're unable to make it go away ? When you're thinking about taboos, sexual thoughts filling you up with filth pushing you over the edge, bile raising into your mouth ?

Why did he feel this way when looking at people ? When looking at Jäger peacefully sleeping next to him because he's been scared to be alone ever since truth or consequences ? He's never asked for something like this, he'd never hurt the poor boy, he knows this, so why does he feel dread creeping up his spine, waiting for the snap ? The urge to hurt himself and others was too much to take.

First it was cutting himself, and so he did but it quickly devolved into something more sinister. Thoughts of putting his hand on the stove or into boiling water. Using his knife to cut at his palms. Taking each needles and slowly stabbing them into his flesh. Removing each fingernails. Hacking at his limbs, preferably his hands.

Then he saw the rope and it was too much.

He knew he washed his hands too much and too rough. He knew about checking his pulse every so often just to make sure. He knew he checked himself over twelve times a day at a minimum. He knew he asked his teammates about their wellbeing to the point of creepiness. He knew he was babying Marius. He knew he was too much on Monika's back. He knew he tried to lead Blitz like a child.

He knows he's sick, Harry had told him so, something about obsessions and compulsions he didn't really understand, how his traumas are involved and the steps he should take. In all honesty, Bandit thought he was a pathetic mess, a monster waiting for the right time to hit, finding the right victim to finally act upon his plans. Was he really ? Was his head messing with him like Harry said or was he a psycho that awoke in Hannover ?

Where does the thoughts stop and the person begin ?

There he was crying again, every way he could lose his best friend making their way into his mind. Every bullet, every grenade, every knife fight and every punches, every torture and every monsters making their way to an injured Jäger. He felt like he was suffocating, word after word coming faster than the last, he could not think clearly. He got up making his way to the bathroom before standing in front of the mirror, the light flickering from time to time. All he could feel was hate at his own reflection.

Truly, he was sick.

Truly, he was a monster.

____

I posted this once and then deleted it, I felt too raw but in the end, let's post it. Maybe it'll inspire someone !

Thanks for reading 💛

[painfulstitches17]

Forgot to post this. Yes, I fucked the visor again...

[painfulstitches17]

ohohohoho! Feel free to ignore some if you want! - 1. Any odd skills?(I used to be able to make zebra noises) 2. What Hogwarts house are you in? 3. What are three places you want to travel? 4. What is something you’re obsessed with? :o

Hello Anon ! Thanks for asking me stuff 😊

1 : I'm not sure, does bending my fingers in weird ways counts ? I used to weird out my classmates with it, oops- Also zebra noises, that's cute 💛

2 : HUFFLEPUFF !! I keep being assigned to it not matter the quizz so 😂

3 : I'd love to do a lot of traveling, though I'm utterly scared of taking the plane. I've been on trains quite a lot however, don't mind them too much. If I had to chose the ones I'd do next right now, I'd say the USA, Japan and Spain.

4 : I'm currently obsessed with cafe vlog videos, they sooth me and I'm ashamed to admit that I know the menu of a few channels... I recommend Zoe, just search "Zoe cafe vlog" and you should find her ! I could give out more--

💛