#they did ask 'Am I a symbol for toxic masculinity' but what is the head of the catholic church if not also that

[kleefkruid]

We we're doing that game where you stick a name on someones forehead and they have to guess who they are and I gave Danny 'the Pope' and based on the answers I gave to his questions he somehow concluded he was Andrew Tate and now I desperately need to see the search history of his brain to figure out how he made that fascinating leap

[suffersinfandom]

This is a somewhat-hingeless rant about disability and OFMD/Izzy takes.

Tumblr handed me a "recommended" post that made me so mad I ended up deleting a moderately unhinged reply and walking away for a bit. It's still eating at me, so I'm just gonna reply to it indirectly.

(I know this is cowardly, but anything I say will just lead to fighting and I'm tired. If anyone wants to discourse about whatever I post, please do me a favor and don't rant at me directly. Take caps and scream into the void like a gentleperson.)

First: I am physically disabled and I often use visible disability aids (just establishing my credentials so I'm allowed to not support this take uncritically). I also have mental health issues and less visible physical issues that honestly cripple me more.

Second: the title alone, man. My main issue with this whole thing is the disability gatekeeping, but that interpretation... hngh. I don't think OFMD was trying to meet a disability quota, you know? It's not "we have three disabled people so we can kill one off."

"Izzy shouldn't have died because he's the most clearly, visibly disabled" is a weird take because it conflates two unrelated things: Izzy's disability and Izzy's death. It's okay to be upset that Izzy died because his specific disability was something you related to. It hurts to have representation taken away! But his death had a narrative purpose. It had nothing to do with his status as an amputee.

And yeah, people are disabled in different ways, but is acknowledging that really an invitation to dismiss some disabilities as invalid? Sure, let's gatekeep disability. Let's decide that some people aren't disabled, actually. Lucius, Black Pete, Wee John, Spanish Jackie, and Ed aren't disabled in a way that's huge and traumatic and life-changing, so throw them out.

Except Ed is one of our protagonists, and I'd argue that his issues are way more important to the narrative than Izzy's. Ed's bad knee is technically fanon (fanon that I love because I too have bad joints and a shit knee), but I would argue that Ed is absolutely canonically disabled. Are we really supposed to disregard his crippling mental health issues because they're not visible? We're just going to shrug off the suicidal despair that drove a huge chunk of the plot? Wild that something so central to the story just doesn't matter because it's not the right kind of disabled.

That was a tangent, sorry. Back to Izzy and the injury that was "thrust upon him."

Yes, his injury is life-changing and traumatic. I'm sympathetic -- but not as sympathetic as I would be if he hadn't played a significant part in the events that led to the loss of his leg.

"That's victim blaming!"

It's a statement of fact. As Izzy himself admitted, he drove the darkness in Ed. He dangled his leg over the side of the ship and a shark bit it off. The injury wasn't thrust upon him so much as actively courted.

Izzy tried to shoot himself in the head at his lowest moment. If I may misquote OP: if you cannot see that there is a WORLD of difference between Ed's multi-episode suicidal arc and Izzy impulsively seeking an out, I honestly do not know what to say to you.

But the big thing about Izzy is that he is a secondary character in a story. If you take off the Izzy blinders, you can see that it's not all about him. His go at suicide killed the symbol of toxic masculinity that he had been up to that point so his story could progress. When he crawled along the floor whining pathetically, his sheer levels of wet cat-ness brought the crew together. The crew rallying around him and giving him the love and forgiveness that he did not ask for? That was about the crew and their growth, not Izzy.

Izzy did not have some deep-seated care for the crew before he was shot. He didn't throw himself in front of a bullet for them. He was not the crew's protector. Izzy's growth began when Ed essentially fired him, and the real changes happened post leg removal.

But here's something super important: Izzy was not suicidal when he told Ed he was ready to go.

Because yeah, I agree, it'd suck if a character who attempted suicide spent a few episodes being rehabilitated and accepting love and who he is turned around and decided that he wanted to die. It's a good thing that's not what happened.

This is what made me decide not to reply directly. Yeah, clearly a lot of disabled queer people are upset. And you know what? That's fine! I always support feeling what you're feeling, even if that feeling is negative. I'm sorry that other queer disabled people are hurting, and I don't want to add to that hurt by being directly confrontational.

Then OP said the last part and I was riled all over again. I was prepared to reblog since I meet their criteria (or maybe I don't -- I might not be the right kind of disabled), but what's the point? How miserable do I want to be? How much do I want to make them miserable?

I know I ranted a lot here, but what I'm getting at is this: Izzy DID NOT "go from wanting to die after a hugely traumatic disabling life event" to "wanting to die after finding acceptance and happiness." If he had, I'd totally understand why OP is upset and I'd think, yeah, maybe they should've run that by a few more people.

Izzy didn't want to die. He accepted his death as the inevitability it was -- inevitable not just because the wound was fatal, but because his death was important to the larger story and, importantly, Ed's story.

Izzy is piracy. Izzy is toxic masculinity personified. Izzy is anchoring Ed to Blackbeard. Izzy is not a character who overcame great obstacles and found acceptance just to decide that, actually, he'd like to be dead instead. He's not David Jenkins and company telling people who relate to Izzy that they should just die. He's not proof that recovery and joy are impossible for broken people.

Look at Ed. He went from wanting to die to wanting to live and do better. He's still working for his acceptance and happiness, and Izzy's last words are insistence to him that he'll get there.

Lucius said that some people are just broken, and this season does everything it can to refute that. One of the clearest themes is no one is broken beyond repair. People can change and they can heal and they can be forgiven by the people they hurt. This theme is so clear that I don't understand how anyone can overlook it.

I've been typing for ages and I'm honestly so sorry to anyone who takes me seriously enough to read this. It's a lot of negativity, and we have more than enough of that.

(And if you're disabled, hurt by Izzy's death, and also somehow still here, I sincerely hope that you feel better about it soon. I hope you'll come across meta that puts things into perspective in a way that lets you appreciate OFMD's positive messages and make peace with or move past season two. Barring that, I hope you find a new show to latch onto that gives you everything you want.)

[cosmicjoke]

Hello, I am a recent fan of Saezuru and this story has me looking at every detail in the pictures. I saw your analysis of Chapter 52 and how gender plays into Yashiro's trauma. It made me realize something I noticed when I was re-reading the story again. Sorry that this ask may be more mature. As I look through the sex scenes again, I noticed that Yashiro's genitals are not present when he is having sex with other men, but are present during his sexual encounters with Doumeki. Do you think this is Yoneda-sensei's way of showing that only Doumeki has treated and seen Yashiro as a man? If it is, I think it brings a new meaning to contradiction.

Hi there,

That's a really interesting observation, and I'll have to keep an eye out for it when I reread the manga again!

I wouldn't at all be surprised if Yoneda did intend for that. This story has a lot of symbolism going on, and a lot of layers. In a lot of ways, of course, while Yashiro longs to be treated gently like a woman would be, and while Doumeki is the only person to ever give that to Yashiro, Doumeki is also the only one to ever acknowledge Yashiro as a man worthy of consideration and respect. At least initially in their relationship, he deferred to Yashiro and took him seriously, and didn't treat him as frivolous or silly or air-headed, which all the other men in Yashiro's life always had, and which many men tend to treat women like as well, as people less deserving of their respect or to be listened to, etc...

There's of course a lot of complexity involved in Yashiro's feelings towards being "womanly", or being treated like a woman. While his step-father told him he was really a woman, he also was physically abusive toward Yashiro, as we see in that one panel where he slaps him and then observes how Yashiro "likes" being beaten. But Yashiro later realizes that women, at least in his limited experience with them, don't enjoy being brutalized, or roughhoused. He even makes that remark to Kage at one point about how it's worse for women when they're raped. All of this flies directly in the face of what his step-father told Yashiro about him being a woman, and contradicts it in the way his step-father treated him too. Yashiro might have thought, subconsciously then, that his step-father had been wrong about him, because he "liked" being hurt during sex, unlike women. I think this plays a big factor in why Yashiro clung so desperately, for so long, to his self-image of masochism. Because it proved his step-father wrong and a liar. He might think 'See? I'm not a woman because I liked being abused.'.

But then Doumeki came around and tore that self-image down for Yashiro, and left him with the devastating reality that he DIDN'T like being abused, and in fact, that he responded more powerfully to being treated gently. All of this no doubt wreaked havoc on Yashiro's mental stability. Any thought that his step-father was right about him would just further drive home this idea that his step-father also possessed him, or owned him in a way. That he exerted a certain amount of control and understanding of Yashiro and his life.

But of course, Yashiro's step-father WASN'T right about him at all. Yashiro isn't a woman, and he isn't any less of a man for having a more feminine inclination when it comes to sex. In a lot of ways, Saezuru is also tackling issues of everyone's favorite term these days, "toxic masculinity", but it does so without turning it into a cliche. Yashiro is tougher, smarter, more capable and more of a man, I think, than just about anyone else in this series. He's courageous enough to give up what's best for him in order to help others. He's a protector, through and through. And really, what's more masculine than someone who protects others? Than someone who serves as a protector?

It's just, as you pointed out, nobody else other than Doumeki ever treated Yashiro as a man, in terms of showing him respect and acknowledgement.

Yashiro also spoke about how his being in love with Kage was proof of his own freakishness, because he saw himself as this sadistic, masochistic person who sort of encompassed what he was taught were normal behaviors for men. Violent, cruel, uncaring, etc... He couldn't reconcile his tender hearted emotions for Kage with what he had convinced himself he was. Not without also acknowledging that he was a victim and that his step-father had been right about him.

I think Yashiro is going to have to learn that he can be both masculine and feminine. That him wanting to be treated gently and kindly doesn't make him any less of a man, or any less of a human being, and most of all, that it doesn't at all prove his step-father right.

[bowie-boy]

please tell me how the narrator is a trans man

@originalpatrolsheep @undeadbreeze I’m @ing you here because I actually received this ask first!

FIGHT CLUB SPOILERS BELOW

Without further ado, here is my explanation as to how Fight Club is a trans metaphor!

The Narrator is a trans man

At the beginning of the film, the narrator is an insomniac and is wildly depressed. He can’t sleep. He starts visiting a center for men with testicular cancer. This is where he meets Bob, a man with no testicles and with breasts. Despite this, Bob is still seen as a man. It’s only in Bob’s arms that the Narrator, saying “We are still men,” can cry and therefore sleep. The Narrator feels gender euphoria when he is with Bob, a cis man with feminine features who is still considered male.

Everything changes when Marla Singer, a woman, begins to attend the same centers as the Narrator. It is only when she arrives that the Narrator feels like an impostor there and becomes hyperaware of his own lies amongst the people at the centers. Therefore, the Narrator cannot cry anymore and can no longer sleep. (In real life, some trans people may feel uncomfortable spending time with those that are the opposite gender as them for fear of being seen as part of that group and getting misgendered, which is partially what I believe spooks the Narrator here.)

Marla Singer represents the Narrator’s relationship with his own femininity, something he unwillingly ties to his dysphoria. Despite his love-hate relationship with her throughout the film, she remains one of his staunchest allies and is perhaps the only thing keeping him grounded in who he is and who he used to be throughout the film.

Shortly after meeting Marla, the Narrator meets (creates) Tyler Durden. Tyler describes himself to the Narrator later in the film: “All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look. I fuck like you wanna fuck. I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.” Trans much? Tyler Durden is the idealized cis man, the prototype for masculinity that everyone in society is fed at an early age. (These representations affect and even especially affect trans men.) Tyler is the standard that the Narrator’s internalized transphobia makes him feel like he must live up to, or else he isn’t a real man.

The Narrator’s relationship with Tyler eventually leads to the creation of Fight Club, a hub of toxic masculinity that attracts all sorts of men. All of them have one thing in common—they want to prove themselves. Tyler repeatedly says that the men in Fight Club are “the most manly men” he has ever seen, a wonderfully effective way for the Narrator to validate himself. What’s more, no women are allowed. The Narrator doesn’t have to face his own femininity in Fight Club, and he doesn’t have to face that side of his dysphoria.

It’s around this point in the movie that Tyler and Marla become involved in a sexual relationship. This is symbolic in itself in the sense that the Narrator’s internalized transphobia is “dominating” his femininity and dysphoria. Even more important is the fact that the Narrator can never see Tyler and Marla in the same room. This is because, to the Narrator, they cannot coexist. The Narrator can no longer comprehend his masculinity and his femininity coexisting in him. He can deal with one or the other at one time, but he forgets that he can have both at once. The Narrator himself believes that neither is taking over his life and neither is being lost. This is what ultimately leads to his downfall.

(This is a little unrelated but it’s important to note that the solution of Tyler and toxic masculinity never helps the Narrator sleep as well as the centers at the beginning of the film did. The Narrator learns that he was never sleeping when he was with Tyler, he was just taking on a new side of himself. Internalized transphobia also led the Narrator to self-harm in many ways (the chemical burn, the fighting, the car crash). Hypermasculinity was not a helpful solution.)

It’s at this point in the film that the ongoing symbol of testicles (I know it sounds silly but hear me out) shows up again. This time, testicles are not something trivial on a man that have nothing to do with his masculinity and maleness. They are used as a threat. Tyler and some members of his army meet up with an official in the city, someone who challenges their ability to destroy buildings and public works. Tyler makes the official an offer: he can save his city or he can save his balls. The official chooses the latter. This is incredibly telling, as the men the Narrator associated with at the beginning of the film had no choice but to remove their testicles. This didn’t make them any less manly in the eyes of the Narrator. Now, though, the Narrator’s own projected sense of internalized transphobia presents a strong message: testicles are important to your status as a man.

It’s shortly after this that the Narrator views Tyler Durden’s relationship with Angel Face, someone who can be described as nothing else but a pretty boy. Tyler, despite being the epitome of toxic and hypermasculinity, respects and adores the somewhat feminine Angel Face. How does the Narrator react? By beating Angel Face until he is bloody and fully disfigured. This represents the Narrator’s resentment of society’s treatment of trans men. The Narrator does not see himself in Angel Face the way that he once saw himself in Bob. He feels that cis men can easily balance femininity and masculinity, that these two things can coexist without an issue for them. For trans men, masculinity must win out, or else society (or at the very least internalized transphobia) will never accept them. Tyler drives the Narrator much harder than Angel Face with much less payoff, and so the Narrator must destroy Angel Face as revenge.

The Narrator seems to have everything he wants until Bob shows up in the film again. The Narrator asks Bob if he’s still attending the centers they met at, to which Bob replies no—he’s now joined Fight Club. At first, this is validating for the Narrator. Bob is feminine still, with no testicles and large breasts, but he’s still considered man enough for Fight Club. The Narrator more or less lets Tyler (AKA unchecked toxic masculinity) do what he likes with Bob. This ends with Bob getting killed. In fact, Bob’s brains are blown out as he tries to follow one of Tyler’s orders. Bob represented a chance at normalcy for the Narrator, proof that men with breasts and without balls were worth just as much as other men. But Bob dies at the hands of the Narrator’s toxic masculinity, and it is this event that leads the Narrator to realize just how much he’s lost to his own feelings of inadequacy.

It’s at this point that the Narrator starts to question his toxic masculinity and his internalized transphobia. He realizes that he’s no longer even himself anymore, just a copy-and-pasted blueprint of the man society has told him that he should be. He can’t recognize himself anymore, can’t keep track of what he really feels and what he only tries to, and he realizes that he needs to end his hypermasculinity before it’s too late.

There’s only one person the Narrator can turn to to get his old self back: Marla. He visits her, apologizing for his behavior towards her. He even tells her that deep down, he really really likes her. This is a big moment for the Narrator. He admits here that his feminine side isn’t something he despises, but rather something he fears getting close to. The other important thing is that Tyler, who was once sleeping with Marla and deeply invested in her, now views her as a threat. The Narrator’s femininity threatens to overtake his masculinity, his dysphoria and euphoria threaten to overrule his internalized masculinity. Tyler wants to destroy Marla, and the Narrator wants to protect her.

For the last time in this film, the symbol of testicles appears. This solidifies how far the Narrator has fallen, how deeply he’s lost himself to self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy. Upon trying to destroy Tyler’s plan, Tyler’s army of men turns on the Narrator and tells him they’re going to cut off his balls. To them and to Tyler, this represents that the Narrator has turned against his brothers, his maleness. The loss of his testicles will show this to everyone. The Narrator, horrified, manages to escape this fate, but without his pants. He spends the final act in his underwear, somewhat symbolic of the trans body he’s worked so hard to achieve and has spent so much of the film despising.

At last, the final fight of the film. The Narrator faces off with Tyler, and must attempt to regain control of his own head. The Narrator struggles at first, unable to accept the fact that him and his internalized transphobia are one in the same, and that he has the power to overrule it. Finally giving into himself, the consequences of his actions, and the messiness of gender and his own expression as a human being, the Narrator takes control and shoots himself. With this, Tyler dies, and so does the Narrator’s internalized transphobia. His toxic masculinity is no more. He’s given himself permission to display his masculinity as much as he wants, and in any way he wants. Internalized transphobia has power over him no more.

Marla then enters the room. She expresses concern for him, the simple Narrator she met at the beginning of the film now so torn up and injured. This is representative of the Narrator’s past pre-transition self looking at his most transitioned self. He’s bruised and broken, a lot different than before. But he insists that he’s okay, and he truly means it. The Narrator is now more himself than ever. It’s in this confidence that the Narrator’s takes Marla’s hand, finally accepting his own femininity, dysphoria, and the full scope of his gender expression. “You met me at a very strange time in my life.”

In a final image, the buildings all around the Narrator and Marla explode and collapse, leaving nothing behind. The Narrator could not stop this total destruction. But the film does not make this a sad moment. It’s rather somewhat wistful, perhaps even hopeful. The Narrator had to destroy himself in order to be reborn as his full and true self. A rebirth. Isn’t that was being trans is?

Thank you for the ask! I hope you enjoy my analysis :)

[themultifandomgal]

Fangs Fogarty- A New School

I hold Fangs' hand as we all walk in to our new school together, getting a lot of glares. Jughead and Toni are in front of Fang, Pea and I. We walk down the hall until we see a desk with a boy with red hair, Archie I think. He pointed a gun in Fangs and Pea’s faces l and a girl with brown hair

"Friends. On behalf of the students and faculty here at Riverdale High welcome to your new school" I roll my eyes at her "to ease this transition I've set up a registration desk where you can get your locker assignments, schedules and a list of sports and extracurriculars"

"We do plenty of that" Fangs mutters under his breath. I nudge him smiling

"we encourage each and everyone of you to drink deeply from the cup that is fair riverdale" Sweet Pea and I scoff

"Stand down Eva Peron" we look up to see a girl in a red dress walking next to a guy

followed by cheerleaders

"Theres the school spirt I so fondly remember" Jughead says to Toni

"Cheryl no one invited fascists barbie to the party"

"Wrong Veronica. No one invited Southside scum to our school. Listen up ragamuffins. I will not allow Riverdale's Highs above average GPA to suffer because of classrooms overcrowded with underachievers so please find some other school to debase with your hardscrabble ways" I look at Fangs with raised eyebrows

"You wanna come over here and say that to my face?" Toni moves forward

"Happily queen of the buskers" Cheryl steps closer

"Ok guys. Everyone. Can we just put our Northside Southside differences apart and start over? A new slate"

"You don't speak for the bulldogs. And need I remind you these greaser snakes showed up at your place to kick your ass" the guy stood next to the red haired girl comes forward

"You know what I think it's time to finish what we started" Sweet Pea says angry pushing me and Toni to the side while Fangs pulls me closer to him. Jughead stops Pea and Veronica steps in

"I am so over the toxic masculinity in this hallway right now"

"Alright. Enough pomp and circumstance. Everyone let's get to class. Now" the principle comes over.

I'm sat on Fangs’ lap sharing a bag of sweets

"I don't think we've properly met. Veronica Lodge" she extends a hand to Toni

"From the park avenue Lodges" Jug says while eating

"Toni Topaz" Toni shakes Veronicas hand

"Like the purple coloured gem stone. Love it"

"And I'm Josie McCoy formerly of the pussycats, now just Josie. And this is Kevin" Kevin looks at Fangs

"What's your name?" Kevin asks

"Fogarty or you can call me Fangs" he says playing with some candy "this is my girlfriend YN” I wave at Kevin “your last names Keller right?"

"Yeah how did you know that?"

"Joaquin used to hang out with us. He used to talk about you all the time"

"You guys" we all look at Principal Weatherbee "yes you. Come with me. Now" I get up from Fangs’ lap and hold his hand. We follow the principle out and see Reggie stood with his arms crossed looking smug next to a very poor effort of our Serpent symbol

"Which of you defaced our schools seal with this graffiti?"

"This is what they do Principal Weatherbee. They tag their turf" Reggie says

"My god Reggie could you be anymore transparent?" Reggie nods not really understanding what Veronica is saying

"Effective immediately no gang behaviour of any kind will be tolerated in my school"

"Are you kidding? First of all if it was one of us we would have at least got it right and secondly he basically just admitted that he did it" I say getting angry

"As of this moment no more Serpent jackets"

"What?" Sweet Pea shouts  

"Are you kidding?" Jugs says

"No more Serpent jackets and all tattoos are to be covered. Possession of any gang paraphernalia will lead to immediate suspension. That's all" we turn at head over to our next class extremely irritated.

[neonponders]

💗🍑✨

Watered my plants today so here’s a drabble: ftm!Steve and gardener!Billy

Read on ao3 ~

Mrs. H wants a rose garden. They actually used to have roses in the flower beds in front of the house, but life got in the way and they were replaced with plants that could handle themselves, for the most part.

Thing is, Steve loves flowers. He stopped letting himself indulge in them because it was hard enough being “man enough,” but his friendship with Robin (and saving the world a few times) puts things into a new perspective.

He deserves to pursue his interests. And goodness knows, anything other people have tried to push on him haven’t worked apart from always make him looking like a fool.

So he gets a bunch of roses in little green “trainer” pots and gets to work during one of the last winter days where it’s cold in the air but hot under the sun. Steve plants peppermint (red and white striped) roses in the front flower beds, and red ones around one side of the pool; the side of the yard that slopes down and around to the front of the house, so the right angle from the street can see them. He even gets a fine mulch to blanket the new beds and goes to the quarry for free rocks to frame it all in.

Then a gardener shows up. His mom hired a freaking gardener.

Admittedly, Steve could have reacted better than, “Who the hell are you?”

But also, who arrives on their first day of work and says, “Wrong mulch, pretty boy.”

Steve had climbed out of the rose bed and faced the young and muscular guy, who blinked and his face flickered with something that Steve had seen dozens of times. The uncertainty between Steve’s height and his mother’s eyes and cheekbones. The movement of eyes analyzing the width of his shoulders and hips between a waistline he had worked damn hard on to be rectangular instead of hour-glass shaped.

“What’s wrong with the mulch?” Steve bit out as he planted his hands on his hips. He couldn’t say why he had the habit; some traumatized mixture of hiding his hips and making him look wider. Stronger. Deserving of the space he held.

“There was a recall from that brand. A whole vat of pesticide fell into it. It’s too toxic for flowering or fruiting plants.”

Steve could hear Robin’s voice in his head. If a man explains something to me one more time, I’m going to start frothing at the mouth.

God, Steve loved her. She helped him see all the micro-aggressions men did to him because they mentally catalogued Steve as the wrong gender. It helped him realize how bad he was at reading people and why he’d made the wrong “friends” up until now.

“How was I supposed to know that?” he retorted grumpily.

The gardener - with his stupid face already golden in the winter, and a stupid curl falling over his forehead like he styled it for landscaping or something - smiled. “Get a rake, peach. We’ll replace it by lunchtime.”

Peach? Steve fumed.

So...yeah. Not the best start.

Even worse, this guy named Billy really fed into the pet name. Greeted him with, “Hey, peaches,” all the time, and went inside to use the bathroom only to bring out sliced peaches and yogurt.

“It’s finally getting hot out. Sugar’s good for you.”

Steve hated him. He hated him for calling him Peach, and he hated him for putting salt on his fruit ever since Steve stomped inside and corrected the stupid snack the way he liked it.

And then Steve’s own red rose bloomed. He despised the irony but there it was. Robin helped him despise it less and less. Her own tactics for dealing with cramps, food cravings, and headaches really saved him; and just having the company made him feel less like a fish in the wrong ocean.

It came early, though, and it was a doozy.

Steve and Billy were only weeding the beds with occasional pruning of the branches, but eventually Steve just had to lie down. He’d started bleeding that morning, but in less than twenty minutes his abdomen was swollen and he felt the cramps all the way down his inner thighs to his feet.

The grass was cool underneath his cheek. Being horizontal helped the headache but not everything else -

“Hey, Peach. Sit up a little. I got you something.”

“Fluff off.”

Billy...didn’t laugh. Steve heard him huff through his nose and drape a towel or something over him before setting something on the grass. “Don’t knock it over.”

Steve opened his eyes and saw a glass of water and a glorious little pill on a toilet paper square. Steve gulped it down as fast as he could and settled once more...underneath Billy’s jacket. He supposed it was still a little cold in the morning shade.

When he could, he folded the jacket and set it on the poolside concrete before going inside to get himself more water, a little coffee, and to, you know, check -

He’d bled through his jeans.

Like the weight of water crashing over his head, Steve wilted in the bathroom. It wasn’t a big stain, but Billy had to know, right? Steve tried to remember where exactly he’d placed his jacket on top of Steve. Was it to keep him warm, higher up on his shoulder? Or lower, to give him the courtesy of privacy?

Steve wasn’t a coward. And he sure as hell wasn’t going another day with this gardener treating him like-like...

Like what?

Robin would skin him alive for not wanting to be treated like a girl. What does that even mean, Steve? Treated with respect? Treated like a person? What does it mean to be treated like a man, then? Who is devalued here? 

Steve sighed and yanked on fresh underwear and jeans. Why was gender so hard? He knew he was Steve, and Robin liked to tell him he over-simplified things - which was a hell of a nicer way of saying he shined less than other bulbs - but he couldn’t deal with the wondering or the tip-toeing around this incredibly masculine and pretty and annoying gardener.

Billy was down the slope in the side-yard. Steve didn’t know why he was planting a sapling, of all things. His mother never said anything about wanting a tree, but he ignored that and barked, “I need to talk to you.”

“I’m listening,” he said without turning around. Steve fumed as soil got patted down around the base of the tree.

“We need to talk about my – me. We need to talk about me.”

“Are you feeling better?” Billy stood and went to the wheelbarrow of mulch.

This was too frustrating. Steve came right out with. “Do you know? Like – because my name is Steve. But I’m not sure you get it – ”

“I get it. Steve.”

Billy finally looked at him and used the shears from his belt to clip off the large tag fluttering on the branch of the tree. “It’s you who doesn’t get it.”

He pushed the tag against the front of Steve’s shirt. The latter now had a prop to syphon his frustration into. He waved the tag around as he exploded, “What do you – You don’t get to know me better than – ”

“Romance really flies right by you.”

And.

Well.

Whatever lake or ocean Steve flailed in, he sure gaped out of water now.

Billy stepped up to him, making Steve shut his trap and swallow a wet sound. He purred in between them, “This is the part where you read the tag.”

Steve really hated being a slower reader. He felt like every second was a month as he read the tag, and then flipped it over…

Peach trees have had romantic significance in many cultures for centuries. In mythology, Paris of Troy granted a golden peach to Aphrodite in competition with Hera and Athena, thereby crowning her the most beautiful. In return, Aphrodite promised him the most beautiful person in the world, Helen of Sparta.

Their fruit symbolizes unrivaled happiness, as nothing compares to the taste of a peach. In the language of flowers, peach blossoms have come to mean infatuation, or captured love.

Steve blinked at that for a long second and then found an extremely convenient little info-graphic that his brain absorbed more easily:

Peach: your qualities and charms are unequaled.

Blossoms: I am your captive.

“Um,” he fumbled, because his brain was dangerously close to asking, Are you Paris or Helen in this?

“I’ve seen how you look at me.”

Steve’s head jerked up. “No you haven’t!”

Billy, that bastard, grinned. “Yes, I have. I know you like me. You wouldn’t be so mean to me otherwise.”

“I’m mean because you deserve it,” Steve growled, but he wasn’t doing well at putting distance between them. Good god, the man had freckles on his nose and cheeks.

Billy pinched the front of Steve’s shirt. “I know what else I deserve,” and pulled a light little moan out of Steve when he captured his lips.

Billy’s lips were soft, and his hand was a little sweaty where it came to hold the side of Steve’s neck and jaw. Steve couldn’t help but say against Billy’s breath, “You don’t mind?”

“ ‘Course I don’t mind,” Billy murmured almost angrily. “It’s not the 1880s.”

“You just relied on a plant to tell me you like me. That’s pretty sappy-Victorian-show-trope to me.”

“I had to get creative. You’re already surrounded by roses every time I see you.”

Steve giggled breathily in the little space between them. Something in his body moved like a trapeze artist when the pink tip of Billy’s tongue moved inside his mouth, from one side of his bottom lip to the other.

“Roses? Too old school for me,” Steve teased.

“Good. Any more old school and it’d be awkward for me to keep doing this.”

Steve may or may not have gotten sunburnt from kissing too long.

Billy somehow found peach-scented sunscreen.

Steve also may or may not have thrown the bottle at him.

[flodaya]

hi flora, i recently found your blog, i liked your opinions about some remakes and their issues, i agree with most of them. if you don't mind i'd like to ask you some things like what is your favorite season in the whole skam universe and what do you expect from druck S6 in terms of plot/storyline and representation? i hope i expressed myself well enough, sorry if there's any mistake, english is not even my second language lol. take care <3

thank you, and pls don’t apologize for your english!

my favourite skam season ever? oh that’s a difficult question because I would consider different skam seasons my favourite for very different reasons, so I’ll give you my top 5 (+ one bonus season)

skam season 3

sometimes i feel like we all need a gentle reminder how well written and executed this season actually was

it found it during a rather let’s say tumultuous time of my life and it helped me a lot with coming to terms with my sexuality

in my head isak is a real character, I literally forget he doesn’t exist. He means so much to me that I just blend out the fact he isn’t real

not to shade anyone but oftentimes I feel like people forget that skam s3 wasn’t just the 27261th season about a gay boy falling in love, it had so much more depth and themes and symbolisms than that

the cuddle clip hits me every time because you know what I expected when I first watched episode 4 the first kiss? I expected isak to get scared again and pull back, so I was hit with such an overwhelming feeling of relief (and then [redacted] came and made all my worst fears come true lol)

druck season 3

oh boy, where do I even begin to explain why I love this season so much

it’s the main character who is so introverted and quiet

it’s the quiet and deep love story of a boy feeling seen and heard and another boy feeling wholeheartedly excepted and loved

it’s the friendship between four dumb and loving boys, no need for toxic masculinity here, other shows need to get on their level

the season wasn’t perfect, I have my issues with certain weeks but it was the first season I’ve watched live from beginning to end, the emotional attachment I have to this season is unmatched

skam españa season 2

I know it’s boring I’m only naming gay seasons but I am gay and when I find positive and happy rep I latch onto it like an eel

girls loving girls !!!

seriously, I’m not even only talking about joana and cris’ love story, but the girl squad’s as well

I feel very seen by joana, the bpd rep felt very accurate to my own experience

it’s my go-to rewatch season, whenever I am bored or sad or lonely I turn on eskam s2 (the first like 10 clips are literally burned into my brain by the amount of times I’ve watched them)

skam season 1

this must be one of the most underrated seasons ever

the storyline is so well written

I know it’s not the most exciting plot, but the feeling of not having any friends and feeling like you’re lost when you’re a teen (or even in your 20s) is underrepresented and that’s why Eva’s season means a lot to me

Lisa Teige is probably my personal favourite actress out of all the skam actors, she needs to get more credit for her outstanding performance!!!

I always ignore how heterosexual this turned out but to me this will always be Eva falling in love with Noora, #nooreva4eva

druck season 5

Who would have thought this would turn out to be my favourite druck season? for sure not me

more so: who would have thought this would be one of my all time favourite skam seasons?

wonderfully written, all emotional attachment to s3 aside, it’s the best written druck season hands down

druck was like “i will show them how to do original seasons” and then they did

okay I’m going to say it: the new druck girl squad is my favourite girls squad

we all asked for a season from a pov of someone who is mentally ill and druck delivered

bonus season: skam españa season 3

Shortly after this season ended I thought I didn’t like it as much but I have since rewatched it and it is definitely one of the most important skam seasons

toxic and unhealthy relationships aren’t what main stream media usually focuses on, actually toxic and unhealthy relationships are often romanticized in main stream media

but eskam took a huge risk and build a very subtle toxic relationship, it had all the wonderful noorhell parallels and in the end said “fuck them, they are toxic”

Nora’s development throughout the season was wonderful to see

I wouldn’t consider this a favourite in the sense that I personally love it but I think it’s one of the most important and best written seasons for sure

who wants to place bets that fatou’s season will be on my top 5 seasons of all time?

I am going in rather blind and without expectations, all I want is fatou to be happy by the end. I’m so glad that we are getting a queer season that isn’t about coming out (thank god for queer writers) but I wouldn’t mind if kieu my was still in the middle of figuring herself out and if her side-plot was a coming out story. otherwise I hope we get lots of beautiful girl squad moments, lots of sapphic soft clips, and i want to see fatou’s home life

[roses-symphony]

Probably almost all of you know how much I love Gucci, their Ideas and philosophy so, I guess you should’ve seen this post coming.

For the non italian followers (which should be 90% of my followers) this dude stage name is Achille Lauro. Born in the 90′s. He is considered a “Rapper” but to me he’s more of a POP/PUNK icon.

This year he got on Sanremo (the italian music song contest) with a Song named “Me ne Frego” (meaning “I don’t care”) and all his looks were created by Gucci’s artistic director Alessandro Michele based on the idea of Lauro of showing a life of just “not caring”, doing what people want to without a negative side to this idea.

He said that during this journey we’d meet 4 Characters, each of them represented by a Wolf, A Thunder, a Mask and a Crown. I didn’t guess even one right and that is extremely amazing because it means they weren’t predictable; everything was so well thought that it was impossible to understand it before he showed it to us.

I. Night - SAN FRANCESCO

San Francesco was the son of a very rich man who, in order to follow God’s call and help the poor, he got rid of his Noble Man Cape and remained naked, giving up to all his wealth and privileges.

Lauro gets on stage with a Gucci custom made black velvet cape, all embroidered in gold. He walks the stage barefoot and, at the climax of his song, he takes off the cape remaining with a body suit covered in crystals (of course he couldn’t get there naked xD)

Beside the symbolic meaning of solidarity to the minors and the ones in need, I want to focus on the clothes ofc. The cape was extremely beautiful, elegante, regal, the pearls and the studs made it look even more expensive. When he undressed, he showed us this bodysuit which was surprisingly fitting him very nicely. Nobody could see that happen.

As always, beside Lauro, there is his guitarist and friend Boss Doms. He was wearing a Burgundy suit with a blush pink turtle neck and red eye make up. He was looking stunning, totally uncoordinated with Lauro outfit YET perfectly matching.

II. Night - ZIGGY STARDUST

This character was created by David Bowie and it’s the representation of a rebellious soul, emblem of absolute artistic and sexual freedom and of non toxic masculinity.  As I said in my post about the Men Gucci FW Show, for this season Michele goal was, in fact, killing toxic masculinity and this idea perfectly matched Lauro performance.

During this night, He sang a cover of a song by Mia Martini, called “Gli uomini non cambiano” (”Men never change”); he sang it using all female nouns and, on his ig page, he posted an handwritten letter addressing it to “Disgusting Fifty years old homophobic men” saying that he knows those people too well due to his past and that he now wants to be rebellious and go against them, making peace with this femininity and when they ask him why he wears female things, he just replies “I’m becoming a Lady”.

The song was very touching, I suggest you listening to it, but back to the outfit: He has an emerald green satin suit, all custom made (on the left arm you can see a patch with his name embroidered on it), a striped shirt with a 80′s style collar and a glittery tie. His makeup and hairstyle is exactly the same as Ziggy Stardust  and, once again, i want to compliment the makeup artist for the amazing Job. Probably this was the most “complete” look.

Boss Doms is, once again, in a suit. Blue with red details. he’s wearing a tiara from the last Gucci Cruise collection and on his face there are tears made of stardust. One again, completely different, amazingly matching.

III. Night - MARCHESA LUISA CASATI STAMPA

She was a very popular woman who became the muse of a lot of artist during her era. She was the lover of the poet Gabriele D’annunzio. She was eccentric and without any boundaries. They say that she used to walk at night at Piazza San Marco in Venice completely naked, with just a fur on her shoulders (sometimes walking a jaguar with her) and having a servant lighting her so that everybody could admire her.

She had many lovers, she was very “free” even in the sexual aspect of her life so, once again, we see the concept of freedom being strongly represented in Lauro performance.

She was known mostly for having sponsored many artists and collected every sort of art since her home was full of art and exotic things (even animals); people used to say that she  was walking art herself thanks to the makeup and dresses she used to wear

Lauro gets on stage with a head piece made of feathers, diamonds and  studs (that wasn’t custom made, it was used in last year fashion week); he wore Gucci stockings embroiled with black diamonds in the shape of the typical “GG” the logo; on top of it an organza cape. 

The best pieces were the glove which held two Gucci Lipsticks (one of which he used to put on himself and his friend during the song) and the pointy leather boots that, once again, had his name printed inside. The best part, to me, of this look was the makeup. It was a shiny black/red shadow, which contoured all his eyes, making him look somehow vampire-ish.

At his side, Boss Doms with an amazing velvet Jacket and elegant black slacks, a Pussy Bow pink shirt and the most beautiful smokey eyes I’ve ever seen in my life.  I might be wrong here but I think that, in this case, he should have represented the servant that walked Miss Casati around Venice, but maybe I am Wrong.

IV. Night - QUEEN ELISABETH I THE VIRGIN QUEEN

For the last night, he got inspired by the Virgin Queen, married to her country, who fought for arts, freedom and died without wanting any medication and being a queen up to her last day, never abdicating.

The velvet pants, along with the red boots and the pearls makeup, have been shown on Gucci runways already, but they were able to put all together in order to create the perfect representation of the character.

Boss Doms was wearing a beautiful embroidered jacket (I guess they were Chinese dragons but I can’t see it properly), He was wearing shorts, giving a very strong AC/DC vibe to his look. He had a matching makeup with pearls on his temples and jaw and, around his eyes, he had holographic fake lashes.

Being the last night, they went even further on stage, completing it with a kiss (as they actually always do during every performance they have).

So, my final thoughts:

First thing first, I want to underline the fact that not even one of the nights the look they showed gave out a “costume” vibe; they were pure outfits, stage outfits which, every time, enchanted one of the aspect of the song. 

Lauro never looked “ridiculous” or like “too femminine”, he looked powerful, serious, without any limit. They represented freedom, freedom of being whoever you want, having the power to fight all those boomers who kept on attaching them, who kept on criticizing them.

During today interview, when somebody told him that he should have focused more on the song rather than the “look” he answered that he has a project, and the song was just a tool to deliver the message of his project. He didn’t want to win the festival, he just wanted to be remembered.

And he did.

I think he should be really thankful to all his creative staff, to Alessandro Michele who believed in him as an ambassador of this same message and I do really really hope to see more collaborations like this because he’s a very sensitive soul, he is a great gentleman, he never yells, he never replies in an angry way and he has a very kind smile. And this world needs more kindness and more beauty.

[miggydiaz]

for the salty ask: 3, 7, 10, 11, 15, 16, 19, 22, 23, 24, 25 and 27 for spn

I had to do this one today because I have a LOT of Supernatural feelings and so a lot of these are even longer than my CK one. But thanks for the ask @wonderwolfballoon!

UNPOPULAR SUPERNATURAL OPINIONS AHOY: INCLUDES ANTI-DESTIEL SENTIMENTS AND OTHER UNSAVORY ELEMENTS

3. Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion? 100000000% I have unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion in the SPN fandom. SPN was the fandom that taught me to make JUDICIOUS use of the blocking feature tumblr offers in order to curate my experience. I would actually encourage anyone and everyone to use the blocking feature if they disagree with people. Honestly, we don’t owe anyone our time or energy, especially on the internet! It is much healthier than sending or responding to hate, IMO. 7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?* This is actually a hard one for me to answer, so let me start by saying -- I have not seen a SINGLE episode since 9x05? I think? Whichever episode was the Dr. Deanlittle one where he talks to animals. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the first 5 seasons, and they are all I watch anymore and I pretend nothing else exists after that (except The French Mistake because that episode is hilarious). But uh... I guess the simple answer is when I was originally watching it, I really loved Dean. He was brash, snarky, rough around the edges... but kind of soft in a I’m too toxically masculine to deal with my softness sort of way that I love seeing characters grow out of as they mature. But when I go back and rewatch now, much older than I was in 2006 when I first started watching, I see how awful a lot of his older behavior truly was. I still love Dean, and I will be a Dean girl until I die probably, but sometimes you gotta remind yourself that your faves have been problematic in the past so you don’t put them up on fandom constructed pedestals.

10. Most disliked arc? Why? AND AS A BONUS, MY ANSWER to 11. Is there an unpopular character you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why? I could write a literal essay about all of the problems I have with the later seasons (the ones I watched, which encompasses 6, 7, 8, and a few episodes of 9). But by far and away, the thing I hated most, was the Men of Letters.

Okay, this is where I am going to recognize my love of certain characters is at FUNDAMENTAL ODDS with how that character develops later and what history and background we get later on them. I RECOGNIZE this character is problematic, and I would NEVER STAND for his shit IRL, but fiction is complicated and nuanced, and fantastic circumstances do not make for normal behaviors. That being said, with all warnings I could possibly give, and with the full understanding that what I am about to say is basically fandom blasphemy of the highest order...

I like John Winchester’s character.

I know, I know. If you wanna stop reading and block me now, you are free to do that. I will not hold it against you. I am not about to apologize for anything he has done. I just need to contextualize why I have such an issue with the MOL storyline and it starts with the simple fact that I liked John Winchester as he was originally presented.

To me, and with the full understanding that I am answering this from the perspective of someone who DOES NOT regard anything past season 5 as personal canon, John Winchester is the perfect example of a truly complicated character. Here’s a parent who, if we take the pilot and the original s2 Djinn episodes at face value, could have been a great parent, who then got shoved into a fantastically impossible situation and made terrible choices that he thought were necessary in order to keep himself and his sons safe. That does not EXCUSE the heaps of abuse that he piled onto Dean in any way. We know John and Mary didn’t have a great marriage. But we also know from the pilot that John was at least a caring and present father, mostly,  for the 4 years he got to parent in a normal world, and that if Mary had lived, John would’ve been a softball playing dad who raised his kids and had a loving marriage with his wife. (Again, I need to reiterate, I did not watch anything past the early episodes of s9. If there is later canon that negates this, I do not know about it, nor do I want to because I don’t think of anything past 5 as canon) This is all important to me because these things emphasize that John was “NORMAL”. He was a mechanic, from a family of mechanics, whose father didn’t bail on him (a man in the episode where Dean is transported back in time to Lawrence tells John to ‘say hi to your old man for me’ or something to that effect). He was just a midwestern dude. Giving John Winchester a fantastical background through this Men of Letters bullshit made me SO MAD. First of all, I hate when later canon negates previous canon. I cannon TELL you how much I hate it. And the later seasons of Supernatural are riddled with stuff that doesn’t make any damn sense in the context of original, Kripke written canon, which is exactly why I stopped watching. That’s not ~Evolution of the show.~ That’s conveniently forgetting stuff that made your show and its premise so successful to begin with in order to keep filming episodes so you can keep making money. It’s the sacrifice of art for capitalism and yes I know this is a stupid TV show but as a writer myself it PISSES ME OFF.

/rant

ALSO, the idea that this toxically masculine family was set on this path by Heaven, and inherited this curse that put them on this path from their mother was such a good plot twist in its heyday. We spent four seasons thinking of Mary Winchester as a victim of circumstance, whose fate could not have been avoided because she was the mother to Sam, who is effectively cursed. And then, we learn that its BECAUSE of Mary that this ball even got rolling in the first place. IDK if you were around for that time in the fandom but at least in my circle, this was a big fucking deal. There had been so much (rightful) discourse about John before this, and what kind of parent he was, that Mary became almost deified in the same way Dean deifies her. And then we find out that this whole story gets set in motion by a decision she made because this was the life she found herself in. This was great. It was interesting. And even though the MOL doesn’t negate any of this, it does give John this weirdly fantastical that isn’t necessary. Let this guy be just some Joe Schmoe who fell in love with a kick ass hunter and had no idea any of this even existed. Let Mary and her want to be ‘normal’ be a complicated moral choice that fundamentally altered the paths of her husband and sons. It’s good tv!

Also, I fucking hate the bunker. The best episodes are Dean and Sam having moments in the car, or while in motel rooms on their cases, or whatever. I don’t mind them having a home base. I’m fine with that. But if a building could ever be a Mary Sue character, the bunker is it. I hate all of the MOL storyline, starting with this place.

I may not even tag this as Supernatural, I don’t need angry later season stans in my inbox.

15. Unpopular opinion about the manga/show?

There’s nothing good about anything that happened after season 6. It’s all a bunch of retconning bullshit. Season 6 had its moments where it was interesting, so I cut it a little bit of slack, but as far as I’m concerned, the show ended in season 5. I’m not sure that’s necessarily unpopular, but it does feel that way on tumblr, so. 

16. If you could change anything in the show, what would you change?

Aside from ending it in season 5?

Oooh, I’m about to blaspheme again. I am definitely not tagging this as Supernatural.

I would never have introduced Castiel, and I would’ve given that entire storyline to Anna. Or, alternatively, I would’ve flipped their story lines.

Look, for whatever it’s worth... I agree with the idea that Dean Winchester is a repressed bisexual. His Dr. Sexy love, the entire storyline with Benny in season 8, etc. I just don’t think he feels romantically about Castiel. And like, that’s okay! Just because you’re not into someone who is into you doesn’t mean you owe them a relationship or anything, no matter what the fandom thinks.

But I also think Dean has a big problem when it comes to women. Again, obviously later on in the series, Dean shifts and Charlie happens and Claire Novak and I know all of these things from gifs okay, context is not applicable here because I have none. But early on, Dean struggles A LOT with thinking of women as A) capable and B) trustworthy. He exists in a perpetual state of identifying women along the Madonna/Whore binary. Even Jo, however you feel about her, and to be clear, I loved Jo, but he doesn’t stop thinking of her really as a kid until they’re about to shoot the devil. Up until then, he’s genuinely surprised Ellen lets her out of the damn house.

Giving him a strong, capable woman who rebels against Heaven for HIM would have fundamentally altered Dean’s perceptions of women much earlier on than we get and would have forced him to examine some of that misogyny head on.

Dean has no problems trusting men. This is why the entire Gordon fiasco happens, right? It was less work for him to trust Castiel because Castiel is the inverse of Ruby. Angel to her Demon. Angels and demons don’t really have genders, but for the sake of presentation of vessels, man to her woman. Not even getting me started on the problematic parts of having significant demons mostly symbolized by women (Meg, Ruby, Lilith) and having significant angels mostly represented by Men (Castiel, Michael, Lucifer, Zachariah, Gabriel, Raphael), and how that ties into the idea of Original Sin and yada yada, but just like it’s interesting to have Mary and her decisions be the catalyst for the story, it’s interesting to have this badass warrior angel in Anna who marches down to Hell to yank Dean out, and through her interactions with him, decide to rebel against the ultimate patriarchy, while Dean gets an equally strong female counterpart to Sam’s Ruby, a woman for all intents and purposes that he respects as a soldier and an ally and not just a potential piece of ass.

Also, Castiel fans being literally unbearable is why I left the fandom. Nothing against Misha or anything, and not even anything against Cas as a character (who I very much enjoyed in seasons 4 and 5), but his fans have always been the worst and they try to insert him into everything.

19. What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom?

Castiel/Destiel fans, which even though I also hated the direction the show was going, drove me out of the fandom. Not like, personally or directly, but just the sheer mental hoops they had to jump through in order to make their ship work and I just got tired of seeing all of the contrived meta on my dash. Oh, and the rampant misogyny that came out of those early Castiel fans. I didn’t appreciate it from the Wincest corner, and I definitely didn’t appreciate it from the fans of the new guy. Gross.

22. Popular character you hate?

Oof. I don’t know. I don’t really hate Castiel, because again, I liked him a lot in seasons 4 and 5. Even 6 was interesting, even if I don’t regard it as my own personal show canon. I don’t think there was a popular character in those first five seasons I ever really hated. I didn’t fundamentally hate a character at all until the MOL stuff came around. Um. Yeah, I don’t really have an answer for this.

23. Unpopular character you love?

Pretty much every female character ever. Jo, Ellen, Ruby, Meg... although Meg became more popular as the series went on, Anna. Um. OH, BELA. Bela ESPECIALLY, I recently rewatched season 3 and I cannot emphasize how MUCH I love Bela. She was the best purely human foil ever. Bela is hands down the character I love most that the fandom had frothing at the mouth hatred for. It doesn’t help that I legitimately think Lauren Cohan is one of the most beautiful women on the planet. But seriously, Bela. Hands down.

24. Would you recommend XXX to a friend? Why or why not? 

I have! Many of times, and ALWAYS WITH THE CAVEAT to stop at the end of season 5. Not a single one of them has listened to me and almost all of them came to me at the end of the finale and were like WHY DID I WASTE SO MUCH TIME, and I don’t want to say I told them so, but like, I explicitly in neon colored text once told them so, so like, idk what to tell them. But yes! I think if someone is interested in some classic mystery television that has an overarching theme of family and forgiveness and striking out against the boxes that life tries to put us all into, SPN is a great show. But only the first 5 seasons. Also, be prepared for some thematically problematic parts of the show because there’s a lot of cishet toxic masculinity in those early seasons, and we should examine our media critically. There’s also a lot of good though too, and IMO, the good outweighs the bad.

25. How would you end XXX/Would you change the ending of XXX?

I would’ve ended it at season 5. I would’ve had Sam escape the pit and seen him standing under the street lamp, but then I would’ve had him walking away to leave Dean with Lisa (btw, side note, I DIDN’T like Lisa because I don’t think Dean would ever be truly happy with someone completely outside the life). Not because Sam doesn’t love his brother, but because he *does* love his brother, and because he would want Dean to be happy, even though Dean and Sam’s ideas of what makes the other happy have always been a little bit screwed up.. but that’s a different story.

27. Least shippable character?

Probably Zachariah. God, could you imagine? And... maybe Alastair, but I’m sure there are fics out there that I do not want to think about.

[yououghtaknow]

18 and 20 for the meta asks? also I already commented on clip 3 but fr this clip was so good that was such a good execution of that scene and s5 has been so good and literally brightens my day thank u 💛 i hope you’re doing well

hi, thank you so much!!!!!!!! i hope you’re doing well too <3 <3

i am putting a read more because i am a rambley person, but underneath you will find talks of unused plot points, the parallels between the girl squad and the lad squad, and what taylor swift album(s) i believe each season has the vibe of.

tw for discussion of abuse, mental health problems, addiction and eating disorders

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

skam brighton has. so many aus. because it itself is an au of an original work. me and two of my great writing friends have written a great numbers of aus including but not limited to riordian-verse, glee, doctor who, rwrb, trc, a murder mystery au, and many aus based on comfort media of mine that i started on never finished (house of anubis, barbie movies, etc.). and many of them are unironically so good???? @fingersmithbysarahwaters and @nightwing642 are incredibly talented screenwriters. but also i did write a screenplay adaptations of the first two books in the raven cycle series and 2/3s of rwrb for no reason other than fun and autism.

as for skam brighton. oh boy. not many plot points have been changed, but some certain scenes/character moments were changed. for example, the scene in season 2 episode 8 where liz has a meltdown at the shopping centre and she has a heart to heart with mary was originally liz having a meltdown and running into al in the sensory room. but i wanted to hold back on revealing al as a main character until season 3. 

also in the og season 3, jake and al didn’t break up. as i was finishing the season, i was getting ideas for how i wanted the series to develop (james’s crush on al namely) so i thought it would be good for both of their developments for them not to end up together. also in season 3 i hadn’t planned for jake to move house originally, so there was a scene in the finale episode of the lad squad hanging out, but it got cut because it just didn’t make sense. 

in season 4, al and bree were a lot meaner to each other originally, because i love it when it gets busy at the brighton and the gay people get mean, but then i thought about it and decided it was out of character for both of them to be downright cruel. al and bree also had a scene in season 4 that was cut due to just not making sense. 

also, in season 5, the “inner white girl” scene originally wasn’t in the show at all, but one day i was listening to the song, and about a week before the episode came out, i wrote it. also, bree wasn’t written to be a she/they until literally the day of putting the clip out because i thought it would be cool. that’s it :)

also the way i write is that i write the full clip out in a google doc and then edit it in ao3 about an hour before i put it out, so a lot of changes happen there. just small things, like making dialogue flow better, changing certain songs because i just want to, and sometimes adding in new sequences that i just thought of.

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

oh!!!! there!!!!! is!!!!! 

personally, my favourite thing to write is little symbolic moments that make me happy because i play 4d chess in my head with myself every time i write.

before i go off, i must say, so many hints and clues have been dropped for season six so far. season six has been my favourite season to write and i’m already planning a spin-off project based on it to write, and it’s gonna be starting sooner than you think.

so a piece of writing i’ve been thinking about lately is the parallels between the girl squad and the lad squad. before i begin to go off, these are the characters i think parallel each other the most.

jake - sandy james - bree nick - rori theo - esther al - liz

jake and sandy is quite an obvious parallel to draw - both are football players, both begin the series closeted and having a close relationship with bryan - but their personalities are quite similar. both of them are closer with their mother than their father, both use their relationships as a method of protection, and both are afraid of of societal rejection at the beginning of the series. they also both discovered their sexualities and mental health issues over the course of their seasons, and both of their love interests are more outgoing theatre kids. jake and sandy’s relationship is also so interesting to me - because they start as very awkward friends, and jake tries to help sandy by making bryan break up with her, but outs her in the process, and sandy doesn’t want to forgive him. she takes her time and comes to terms with it on her own and decides to forgive him because sandy’s just a sweetheart - and this also parallels the way jake takes his time to forgive his mother. also, in their friend groups, they’re both the newcomer to them, and we get the introductions to the group dynamics in their seasons, and in the later seasons, they’re both a lot more relaxed as they’re in recovery <3

james and bree are also very similar characters. both have problems with substance abuse, both have promiscuous reputations, both have both mommy and daddy issues. they are both dean girls, to put it in spn terms. they’re both very funny, and use humour to cover up their struggles. both are dealing with a lot of mental illness and, throughout the series, it becomes more and more clear. they’re also both seen as “the hot ones” of their groups, with a lot of the characters canonically having small crushes on them (liz, rori and nick with james; rori, esther and annabell with bree). they’ve also both canonically hooked up with sophie. which i just think is fun. they also played mimi and roger together, which i think shows their parallels as addicts and people (with roger struggling with recovery and depression until the end, when he begins to get help, and mimi living the high life until it all crumbles down around her). they also share a want for independence and both are very sana-esque characters (james being middle eastern and religious, bree being the cool rebel girl in season 1).

nick and rori are both the “fun friend”. they’re both comedic relief in the early seasons, but we do get in depth with them as the show goes on. in grease, they play james and bree’s love interests (which is ironic, as rori and bree get together and nick is in love with james), and in rent, they play angel and maureen, the two main comedic relief characters. both of them struggle to connect their asian identity with their british identity, and both struggle with how the world perceives them (nick with their gender presentation and rori with her eating disorder). they both struggle with toxic masculinity and toxic femininity and use humour to cover up their struggles.

theo and esther are similar in the fact that they’re the squad members we know the least about. they’re both jewish, they’re both the mum friend of their respective groups, they’re both autistic and they’re both quite nerdy. they’re the most grounded member of their respective groups and tend to take charge and help make decisions. they’re also both quite sarcastic and very firm in their opinions. 

al and liz are parallels simply because they are both nooras and vildes. they’r eboth autistic, they’re both the odd one out in their friend groups - liz being a lot more serious than the girl squad, al being a lot more in his own little world than the lad squad. they’re both very blunt and straight forward and say whatever they’re thinking.

also just some of my favourite bits of foreshadowing: nick being bitchy to liz throughout season 2 because they’re in love with james….. al talking about his sister to jake in season 3 and whenever al talks to the girl squad, bree insults him or walks away…… in season 4 episode 1, audrey mentions bree’s cousin is pregnant and then when bree finds out the results of her pregnancy test, oh no by marina plays (i’m now becoming my own self fulfilling prophecy)....... nick and all of his gender stuff throughout the series……. just all of the character stuff with grease and rent….. also just bree and rori’s whole relationship arc because it has everything. queerbaiting. subverting expectations. musical homoeroticism. a little cheating for fun. and they were best friends. honestly bree and rori season 3 is very august by taylor swift…… you weren’t mine to lose…….. 

speaking of, no one asked by here’s each season of skambr and the taylor swift albums they’re most like.

season 1 - debut/fearless

bro sandy is just such a debut/fearless era person. she’s looking for her place in this world!!!!!! she has the teardrops on my guitar energy (quite literally sandy pre-canon voice i bet he’s beautiful that boy she talks about and he has everything that i have to live without about bryan and sophie)..... the fun giggly crush songs that are deeply homoerotic….. esther season 1 voice the entirety of you belong with me. like esther really made a deeper connection with sandy in one month that bryan did in years of knowing her. sandy also is the type of person to stan love story, she just thinks it’s such a fun song and she does yell the key change every time it comes on. 

season 2 - speak now/lover

elizabeth!!!!! liz is the type of person who only liked old taylor and then got internalised misogyny and then got over it and loves taylor again. the story of us is canonically a liz/rori song…. yes i am still a liz/rori subtext warrior….. liz is very never grow up and dear john is a very her and james song in the fact that they both relate to it……. when they bonded over their trauma “don’t you think i was too young”...... also lover is a liz season 2 album because it’s about liz learning that love is the most important thing in the world….. liz voice i want to be defined by the things that i love. also the archer is just a skam brighton song because it is an isaac song. also i’m just gonna say it. i like me! it’s a good song when brendon urie isn’t in it, you all are just afraid of having fun. also though liz in season 5 is very better than revenge because, while her season is about unlearning your internalised prejudices, i believe she deserves to be misogynistic for 3 minutes 37 seconds.

season 3 - red

now this is controversial. this season is about depression, grief and anger, and these feelings are red. literally jake voice so you were never a saint and i loved in shades of wrong we learn to live with the pain mosaic broken hearts….. like treacherous….. holy ground….. the whole country pop vibe….. the bitchy songs mocking people’s perceptions of the singer…..  22 is a lad squad song…. also jake voice i remember it all too well but it’s about his father’s abuse and his mother’s neglect…… like the whole season is just jake getting to the point where he is at “begin again”. also i feel like jake would like red because he spent a lot of time watching taylor swift music videos as a youth both because he liked the music and had crushes on the guys in them, and he feels red is the perfect middle between the country and the pop and the indie and he just really likes being sad.

season 4 - reputation

bree big reputation holland!!!!!!!!! she has it all - the romantic drama, the hatred of men, the fucking homoeroticism. bree stans the reputation tour and they have made the entire holland-fletcher family watch it on their netflix (al fucking loved it because he’s a canon swiftie, audrey had a fun time, patrick was a little confused, but has the spirit). listen bree “i did something bad”. bree “look what you made me do”. bree and rori “new year’s day”. bree voice i swear i don’t love the drama, it loves me!!!!!!!!! like the reason the season has a lot of reputation songs and ends with daylight from lover is a metaphor for bree leaving their reputation era…. also reputation has she/they vibes

season 5 - 1989

1989 my best friend 1989!!!!!!! i am coming out here as a 1989 (deluxe) stan. it’s just a serotonin album for me and it is just so nick. the mocking songs about their reputation…… the genuinely deeply depressing homoerotic songs that have fun upbeat music…… the cars….. also clean is just such a nick song. he is in recovery, he is just so personal to me. also nick voice one night he wakes strange look on his face pauses then says you’re my best friend and you knew what it was he is in love!!!!!!! nick canonically in love with all of their best friends braxton!!!!! also nick feels like a 1989 stan because they just have those fun energies. nick WILL scream the spoken part of shake it off at the top of his lungs. also new romantic is just a skamverse song in general. also just. out of the woods. no reason for me to say it other than it’s one of my favourite songs of all time.

season 6 - folklore/evermore

no evermore is not out yet. yes i am claiming it for season 6. see taylor has said that these albums are all about telling stories/fairy tales and that’s what season 6 is about. i cannot wait until next friday when the main and my plans for the hiatus are revealed…….. genuinely i do not know how anyone perceives skam brighton so i don’t know who people think the next main is, but…… i can only describe the state of me writing this season as the various ambiguous disorder gifs.

[anothers-trash-my-treasure]

Invited 2.1

Sooooooo this one is mostly for me because I am Mazlek trash and if I didn’t get this out I was literally going to go crazy. Anyway, the next part of this will be based more around Rami/Reader/Joe because this one is basically just Rami/Joe and I’m really not that sorry about it. Enjoy

Pairing:  Rami Malek/Joe Mazzello, Brief Rami Malek/Reader

Warnings: Smuuttt, anal sex, dirty talk, swearing

Word Count: 2056

The topic had come up suddenly one night. It was just the two of us, half drunk on a bottle of wine, playing a game of never have I ever, which really turned into a “have you ever?”.The questions were mostly silly at this point, just saying things to make each other laugh. I thought I had the perfect question.

“Okay, okay, okay,” I stopped giggling and wiggled my eyebrows at him, “Have you ever been with another guy before?”

And he doesn’t say anything. Just lifts his glass to his mouth, raises an eyebrow with a tilt of his head before looking away almost bashfully. My brain short circuits, jaw drops. There’s no way. I mean, it’s not like Rami had the slightest bit of toxic masculinity in his body, being affectionate with his co-workers was just part of his personality. But to be in that vulnerable position with one of them? To have them see him like I have? There’s no way.

“No fucking way,” I breathe, ”we’ve been dating for a year and you’ve never told me this? I ask incredibly, making him laugh. “who?!” I demand excitedly.

He just shakes his head, a small smile pulling at his lips, “It doesn’t matter.”

“Is it someone I know?” He shrugs. I whine, high and child-like, “C’mon Rami, just tell me.” 

He considers this, staring into his wine glass, contemplating my request while he swirls the dark liquid in the glass. And then he’s downing the rest of the liquid, and looking me dead in the eye.

“You really wanna know?” He asks lowly. I nod excitedly, leaning forward a little to get closer to him, “Promise not to tell anyone?” 

I hold out my pinky, a symbol we both take incredibly seriously, despite the childish nature of it. He locks his pinky in mine, holding our hands suspended in mid-air and staring into my eyes. His eyes dart away and he leans back in his chair.

“Joe.” 

My jaw drops, and I swear to god I almost faint. “Joe?! Like, our Joe? Like, Joe Mazzello?” He nods, a smirk playing at his lips at my reaction, “Oh my god, please tell me everything.” I plead.

His eyebrow raises, “I’m not drunk enough for that.” He laughs, shaking his head and going to pour himself another glass. I stop him, grabbing the wine before running to the kitchen. I search around in our liquor cabinet, desperately trying to find the bottle I know will get him to spill more of this story. When I find it, I drag it back out into the living room and show it to him excitedly.

“Y/n, I am not doing tequila shots with you.” He groans.

“Yes, you are.” I say simply, sitting down beside him, “It’s this or you tell me the whole story right now. Choose your poison, Mr.Malek.” I smile devilishly at him.

He sighs, reaching to grab the bottle out of my hand. He pops the bottle open, bringing it to his lips before taking a long swig of it. He grimaces at the harsh flavour and burn of the liquid, passing the bottle back to me. When I don’t make a move to drink it, he shakes his head stubbornly,

“Uh-uh, No way, I am not being hungover alone tomorrow. Take a fucking shot or no story.”

Pretty soon, we’re both too drunk on tequila and I’ve honestly almost forgotten why I pulled out the tequila in the first place until Rami speaks again. 

“Alright,” He sighs, head leaning on the sofa, “I’ll tell you.” 

I squeal excitedly, maneuvering myself so I’m sitting cross-legged on the couch beside him. It’s all I can do but sit and listen while he tells me what is quite possibly the hottest thing I could ever imagine.

“It happened when we did The Pacific...”

Neither of them are quite sure how they got here. It was a build up for sure, the lingering glances, the chemistry and their characters constantly being close to each other. It was really only a matter of time before this happened. Both of them are quite surprised that there’s not a drop of alcohol in their system. The tension had just finally boiled over.

Joe had Rami pinned up against the door of his hotel room, tongue swirling around his own as they pressed against each other, their breathing hard and heavy. Rami’s fingers find their way through the belt loops of Joe’s pants, pulling his hips closer to his own and gasping when he feels the hard line of Joe’s cock pressed against him. Joe’s hands push Rami’s shirt up his torso, letting them roam over taut muscles. A thumb brushes over Rami’s nipple lightly, causing a small breathy moan of Joe’s name to fall from his lips.

“Have you ever...” Joe trails off, eyes darting around Rami’s face, taking in every detail of the other man's face, he wants to remember this. 

Rami shakes his head, trying desperately to get his breath back but failing miserably when his hips move on their own account, “have you?” 

Joe nods, capturing Rami’s lips in his once more before pulling him to the bed with him. They settle so that Rami is straddling Joe, leaning down to kiss him heatedly as his hips move to provide some fiction. When Joe's hands move to grip Rami’s ass, he’s a little blindsided with how much he wants the man underneath him. God, he wants it. He never thought he’d want this. But upon meeting Joe his thoughts had wandered. Wondered what it would be like to be on the receiving end of something. He’d tried to experiment on his own, but the angle was awkward and he didn’t actually have to correct supplies so he’d pretty much left it up to his imagination. But now...

“How do you wanna do this?” Joe breathes. He barely gets his question out before Rami is whining high in his throat and grinding his hips down a little harder.

“I want you to...” He takes a shaky breath in, opening his eyes to look down at Joe, who’s looking up at him with heat and lust in his eyes, “I want you to fuck me. Please.” 

The younger man shivers beneath him, “Are you sure, Rami? It hurts like a bitch at first but...” His thumb begins to rub up against his hip bone absently, “We can take it slow...I’d-” he swallows nervously, “I’d make it good for you.”

Rami nods enthusiastically, biting his lip at the mere thought of finally getting what he’s been craving after all these months, “Please Joe.” 

They waste no time from that moment on. Ridding themselves of their clothes, pausing each time a new section of skin is revealed so they can explore and remember every detail of their time together. When they’re both naked, writhing and grinding against each other, Joe finally reaches into the bedside table, pulling out a condom and a bottle of lube.

Flipping them over in one smooth motion, Joe situates himself in between Rami’s legs, setting his legs so they’re perched on his hips. He pops open the lube and starts to warm the liquid up between his fingers. Joe takes his time prepping the other man, checking in with him and making sure he is okay. It’s not the worst thing Rami’s felt, but definitely not comfortable either. That is until Joe crooks his fingers at a different angle and Rami sees actual stars. A gasp is ripped from his lips, followed by a low moan as Joe pokes and prods at his prostate.

“There we go,” Joe breathes, a smile evident in his voice, “Told you I’d make it good, didn’t I?”

From there on out, Rami is a begging mess. It never felt like this on his own. He feels hot all over, a twinge of desperation curling at this base of his spine.  It’s not until Joe has three fingers stretching him out that Rami gets impatient. 

“Joe, c’mon. I’m so ready.” And when Joe asks him if he’s sure, Rami whines, high and needy in his throat, “Oh my god yes, please. Need it.”   

Joe chuckles darkly at him, mumbling under his breath as he removes his fingers to grab the condom, “So needy Ram.”

When Joe pushes the head in Rami isn’t sure what is happening. His body is conflicted, pain rippling through his lower back but yet pleasure is running through his veins. Joe’s kissing his neck and jaw line when he bottoms out, letting Rami adjust around him. Rami tangled a hand in Joe's hair, pulling the other man's face towards his own so he could capture his lips in a breathless kiss. Joe shifted to get closer to him and Rami let out a low whimper.

“I’m good,” He gasped, feeling every ridge of Joe inside of him and absolutely loving it now that his body had adjusted, “move, please.”

Joe doesn’t have to be asked twice, Rami is tight and hot around him and it’s been literal hell trying not to buck into the heat. He starts as slowly as he can, pulling out nearly all the way before sinking back into the heat, both of them letting out sounds of pleasure at the feeling.

Rami is losing his mind, he never had a doubt in his mind that Joe would make it good for him; but he never thought it’d be this good. Every time Joe sinks back inside of him his back arches further, eyes fluttering at how fucking good it feels. But he needs more. More force, more speed, more of the zaps of pleasure that shoot up his spine. 

“More,” his voice is high, “Joe please, more.” His hips are pushing down onto Joe's cock relentlessly, trying to get him deeper. 

Joe pulls out, flipping Rami onto his stomach and maneuvering the other man so that he’s on his knees, the upper half of his body pressed against the mattress. 

When Joe thrusts into him like this it’s heavenly. His cock is so much deeper at this angle and Rami moans loudly. His hips beginning to move on their own account, meeting Joe's thrusts enthusiastically. 

“Shit Rami,” Joe moans, he finds himself complete invested in the man below him, “If I would’ve known you were gonna love this so much we’d have done it a lot sooner.”

Rami whines beneath him, back arching, “Feels so good,” He moans, “God, so fucking good.” He’s panting, a hand tangled in his own hair, tugging on it in an attempt to ground himself. Pleasure clouds his vision, the only thing he can focus on is the feeling of Joe’s cock brushing against his prostate with every thrust. 

Joe changes his angle slightly and suddenly Rami’s prostate is being attacked. Rami’s basically screaming at this point, mouth hung open as he pushes himself back against Joe’s thrusts.

 “Yes, yes, yes, fuck Joe. Right there. Please don’t stop, fuck.” He feels his release building in his stomach, “I’m so close Joe.”

Upon hearing that, Joe doubles his efforts, leaning down to whisper in the older man's ear, “That’s it Rami, come for me. I’m right there with you. C’mon...ah shit, c’mon.” All it takes is a few more thrusts and they’re both spiralling over the edge. Rami cries out Joe's name, throwing his head back as white-hot pleasure overtakes his entire body. He’s never felt like this before. He feels like he’s floating as he comes down, vaguely aware of Joe doing the same right beside him.

I sit there with my mouth hung open. Heat has pooled between my legs and I swear to god I’ve never been so turned on. Who would’ve thought the idea of my boyfriend and one of my closest friends getting on would’ve done it for me.

“I uh,” I stutter, “Rami, that’s fucking...” I take a breath, trying to compose myself, “so fucking hot??” 

He looks surprised, “so you’re not...weirded out by it?”

“By what?” I ask, raising an eyebrow, “By the fact that you like being fucked? Not at all, babe.” I climb into his lap, “In fact,” I kiss his jawline tenderly, “This gives me a few ideas.” To Be Continued...

[brokenforecast]

The Emperor

The Emperor: a muggle guide to tarot 

It has been more than a year since I wrote on this blog but better late than never. I should have plenty of time from now on, because that is the reason for all this silence: lack of free time. But I handled that like a boss. let’s get on with it. We have finally arrived at an unapologetic male character in the tarot, which took us five cards into the Major Arcanum. So, without writing a paper on the patriarchy let’s dig into my nuanced view of the archetypical father, ruler and ultimately god. 

Let’s get the gender issue over with straight away. Like the empress, if in your life the archetypical father is not a man, no big deal, then that person can be represented. The Emperor is at its most basic a person who wields a lot of formal power in your life. Simple as that. My boss for example – which is a very typical interpretation of the Emperor card – is a woman and she has a lot of power over many aspects of my life. If it wouldn’t be for the large amounts of confidence I have in her, it would be scary how much power she has.

> Renaissance Tarot Emperor: secret 4 legshake and birds. 

Symbolism

The fact that the emperor’s card is numbered 4 is no coincidence, not only is the four figure the symbol of both the planet and god Jupiter, is also the number most strongly associated with stability (think legs of tables or chairs, limbs of mammals, the four corners of the world, a house has four walls, a year has four seasons, but let’s not get too numerological, shall we?). Some cards represent the emperor with one leg crossed, mimicking the number four, like in the Secret Tarot. There will be some birds, representing the sky gods of many cultures meaning power, royalty, strength and good fortune (think Roman, Russian or German emperors that all have bird symbols). Also: crowns, scepter, suits of armour (the protective side of masculinity), thrones and whatnot. Also horns, horns represent penises. 

Sometimes mountains are depicted which might be a bit confusing for some muggles. This can only be understood by understanding the emperor as opposed to and in harmony with the empress. Where the empress has wheat for fertility and growth, the emperor has mountains for infertility and stability. Growth is very nice but one needs a certain doses of stability in life. Fertility and reproducing are all fun and games but someone needs to protect all that growth. I think it’s a nice metaphor for masculinity: (temporary) power without fertility, defending what the empress creates and takes care of. 

> The Rider-Waite Emperor: mountains, penises, I mean horns and good old fashioned bearded ruler. 

I admit not only lack of time withheld me from writing about the emperor. As a deeply masculine card I - as a man who only reluctantly and not that often identifies as a man but can’t really pinpoint what to identify as, or indeed if I need to identify at all - I do not feel qualified to write about the man. But as is often the case: I couldn’t be more wrong. Due to my struggle with, contemplation, participation and perception of and some distance to masculinity I am perfectly placed to write about it.

Upright meaning

I absolutely believe that masculinity needs a new, positive, inclusive definition that inspires people (not just men) to do good. One such view that heavily influenced me was nurturance culture.  

A genderless world where no good (or bad) personality trait is gendered, is not anywhere in the cards (see what I did there?). So how do we as a society give a positive and inspiring content to the idea of masculinity? One of the possible answers are the 4 positive characteristics of the emperor: protection, practicality, authority and structure. 

Sure, I’ll argue against all four of them when talking about other cards, but the tarot is about exploring all sides of the human condition and these 4 have value as well and are all four historically associated with masculinity. Is masculinity in a crisis? Yes, it most certainly is; it has been reduced to a destructive cliché where it used to be kaleidoscopic concept. Not by feminists, but by men themselves. We have not emancipated ourselves. In stead of evolving like women did the last century, we have retreated into an ever more meager concept of masculinity. This is my attempt to reconstruct the notion of inclusive manliness. 

Pillar 1: protection

You gotta fight, for your right, to party. - The Beastie Boys

Know that feeling when you broke down, when you are at your most vulnerable and you find comfort and protection in someone’s arms? I could be talking about a man who protects you late at night in some shady alley from a knife-gang but honestly: how many times are we in need of that? And how much have we needed someone to just be around us, silently but firmly comforting us. Protection and defense imply some potential for destruction but that does not need to be a bad thing if the thing that is being destroyed is a bad thing. Be protective.

Pillar 2: practicality

Yes, I am talking about being able to handle power tools, finish an Ikea closet in 15 minutes and fixing your bike. Cliché much? Yes, but it’s a decent and good quality. While the empress listens to how you had a bike accident and fixes that bleeding knee, the emperor is silently repairing your bike in the shed without you knowing and what after the whole debacle and you find out, makes you smile again. Silent, humble work. Thinking of the small things, the pro’s and con’s and getting on with it. This is where the repressed emotions come into play. Not necessarily a bad thing if not taken too far. There is nothing wrong with temporarily repressing emotions to get shit done as long as you deal with them later on. Sometimes the trash just needs to be taken outside, a meal cooked, a kitchen cleaned or a day at the office endured. Postpone emotions, don’t bottle them up. Be practical.

> left: emperor by kindanddemon > right: emperor by skullsquid

Pillar 3: authority

Both having it/using it as well as dealing with it. Yes, I would also like to live on an island in a sea of mutual respect where there is no need for authority but let’s just wake up shall we? Authority is a thing and we need to deal with it. Easiest way is being an authority yourself. And I mean that in a good way. Standing for something, believing in something, without dogma or rigidness but open and evolving. You could also call it privilege, there’s a lot of it out there and like a sword it should be used and wielded for good, to shield (another symbol you will often find on the card) those who do not have it. Privilege is a real thing, you can’t get rid of it (by yourself or in a short amount of time) but you can use it for good. The emperor tells us to use our gifts (remember the magician?) for good, to be ambitious, not at the cost of others but to the benefit of all. Deserve respect. 

Pillar 4: structure

The stability in number 4 is also associated with structure, systems, procedures and ultimately rules and laws. They exist for a reason and should be there for the good of all. The empress negotiates and compromises, the emperor confirms this by making rules that sustain this peace. I honestly believe everyone can use some structure, some system, some good habits, some good routines, rules you live by. Maybe not 100% of the time, no one asks you to be perfect, no one asks the rules to be perfect. Even the apparent chaos of nature obeys the laws of physics. Constructing order from chaos has its benefits. Yes chaos nurtures – in an empress kind of way – the new and creative, order protects what is fragile and needs to be maintained. Construct systems that benefit you. 

> The Wild Unknown Emperor: The emperor depicted as a large tree overlooking the forest, growing by the bright light of the midday sun, deeply and firmly rooted in the soil. 

The emperor can be anyone or anything that radiates the qualities above, not just a person (your father, husband, boss or landlord) but also an institution: government agencies, large corporations, the army etc. 

Reverse meaning

"Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?" - Tyler Durden in Fight Club

When the emperor appears reversed in your reading you are hugely and utterly fucked. At its base meaning this card represents power and now that immense power is turned against you in one of three ways:

Opposite: the opposite of manliness is not femininity, get that in your head as soon as possible. The opposite of power is powerlessness, not receiving the responsibility you need; the opposite of protection is getting hurt. The opposite of practicality is inertness, laziness, meddling without achieving, not really trying, not having the required skill without anyone around to help you. The opposite of authority is slavery, submission, believing yourself to be weaker than you are. The opposite of a stable structure that perpetuates good is destructive chaos, not knowing where to start, being confused, having to start over and over again because nothing is fundamentally anchored.  

cock-blocked: The emperor is blocked somehow. You are unable to assert yourself, maybe lost in a maze of regulations, rules and procedures. You are maybe protecting the wrong things or people. You might think you are practical but got something wrong (it’s mostly not the Ikea manual that is wrong or the piece that is faulty, it is most certainly, you). 

Taken too far: This is the domain of toxic masculinity. Yes this is a thing, I suffer from it every day. Masculinity is a prison. This kind is anyway. Defense becomes unwarranted offence, violence, abuse of physical strength, this is the bully knocking you a bleeding nose and your father raping you. This is thinking you can fix everything, that everything is logical and practical and being blind to the emotional, spiritual or natural things in life. This is abuse of authority, corruption, back chamber politics, chauvinism. It is structural sexism, racism and a system that only exists to benefit itself not the people in it. And it is all turned against you. 

One card spread – meditation on the emperor:

"Life seems so much simpler when you're fixing things." - Anakin skywalker in Attack of the Clones

The Emperor is the first break we get in a way. In a very – too – short version of our path up until now the fool asks us to unapologetically be ourselves, the magician asks us to be able, the high priestess begs us to be knowledgeable. The emperor asks us to consolidate that into a system, a structure so what we have achieved so far can be defended. It’s about creating habits that benefit you, assert yourself as you are, yourself, able and knowledgeable without shame or hesitation. Use your abilities as a weapon against injustice. But we’re turning too abstract, I know. Let’s be more practical. Answer all the following questions and jot down one action per question that you can do in the next four days:

Ask yourself what is going well in your life and how you can anchor that in your life. How can you make it last?

Who or what in your immediate environment needs protection (or comfort, or help) and how can you provide that? Does something need fighting and which weapon in your arsenal is best suited?

When were you last intimidated by authority? What characteristic was intimidating? Do you possess that characteristic? Imagine yourself unintimidated in that same situation. What is needed to get you there?

Do you own something that is broken? Try to fix it. (Just like there is an inherent value to growing things crf. the empress, fixing things is itself a healing action).

TLDR: Upright meaning: power, protection, practicality, authority, order Reverse meaning: powerlessness, impotence, confusion, chaos, abuse of power

[amwritingmeta]

14x14: Noah as Representative of Suppression/Repression

Dean, Sam, Cas and Jack are all at a crossroads. How huge that crossroads is and how long they’ll be stood at it, weighing their options, remains to be seen, but Yockey firmly placed them there in this episode and he did it, to my mind, through using Noah as the needed tool to up the stakes, as it were.

I wrote in an ask response about one side to Noah’s representative qualities in the narrative, where I can see his boredom with the same old routine (his fate, as he calls it) to be a reflection of Dean’s boredom with casual sex and subtle exposition of exactly why Dean hasn’t been engaging with it for so long: he craves something more satisfying. (because he’s in love) 

And though Noah is violent, he’s not violent for the sake of violence, the way Michael is shown to be at the end of this very same episode, and as such Noah isn’t, for me, a representative of toxic masculinity. Mostly because Michael so firmly holds onto that title, but also because of Noah’s distaste for having to cook humans for supper. He’d rather not, but nature left him the choice of this or death. And he’s not going to sacrifice himself, which, as far as the natural order goes, is fairly understandable.

(he’s not a human eating other humans) (he’s a demigod requiring humans for sustenance) (there’s a crude but real difference to the two concepts)

The fact that Noah isn’t a toxic masculinity representative, though, is extremely significant to me.

So, in this post I’d like to outline my thoughts on the second side to Noah’s representative qualities, as I see them, and talk a bit about the deeply ingrained patterns of suppression/repression that exists in each of our main characters.

Definitions -->

Suppression is a psychological term for when we consciously push down unwanted thoughts or urges. Used healthily this is where self-control lies, but when an unwanted emotion or urge is ignored out of fear, this suppression tactic can turn into a pattern of behaviour that may lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms (like drinking, casual sex, violent outbursts, addiction to danger etc) *side eye Dean Winchester* and irrational behaviour and lack of self-control due to lack of self-awareness.

Repression is a psychological term for when we push down unwanted thoughts, urges or very often memories into our unconscious, where our conscious mind is protected from having to deal with these particulars, because our conscious mind is kept wholly unaware that these particulars are a part of us. However, these repressed thoughts, urges or memories will push to be recognised, because anything we try to simply forget, that is deeply affecting, will never stay forgotten, and being unable to confront these buried thoughts, urges or memories may result in unhealthy outlets, such as the coping mechanisms and irrational behaviour mentioned above.

Noah

Though what exactly the gorgon represents truly is up for interpretation, the simple facts are:

Noah the gorgon in and of himself is a snake symbol, and per the ouroboros of the title, the snake symbolism in 14x14 might be leaning towards renewal, rebirth and a conjoining of opposites rather than, you know, the snake that brought knowledge to mankind and helped us rebel........ Yeah, kinda good either way you look at it, no?

Noah also Biblically brought the flood, which is a mighty symbol of rebirth, so he’s this double-edged sword where both edges spell renewal

Noah looks at you, assesses you and sees the truth of you, established with the truck driver, his note to Dean and with Jack - a bit of a narrative tie to Michael in 14x01, who blasted onto the scene reading the truth of people’s motivations left and right, and subtle foreshadowing of how Michael will shed Dean, and go looking for a new skin *shudder’

Noah enjoys both men and women (yes indeed bisexual symbol and nope I am not the first to point this out of course)

That’s the basic makeup of Noah’s demigod character, yeah?

Now, there’s a lot of moments in this episode that, to me, highlight the suppression/repression tendencies in TFW 2.0 and push for the much needed confrontation these moments lead into with Noah, as well as the repercussions that follow this very confrontation, culminating in the deaths at the bunker and Jack’s standoff with Michael.

Self-deception, thy collective face is Three Men and I’m Not a Baby -->

Sam

Darling Sam. He is so deep in his suppression of his superficial fear of how everything is not at all fine or okay, as well as in his deeply repressed fears that go back years and are a part of his identity makeup, that he can’t even stand a fair questioning from someone who knows a great deal about exactly the situation he’s putting himself in, as she later even points out in dialogue.

Sam leans heavily on the belief that everything will work out in the end, as long as they think it will, and his behaviour is, to me, a very sharp critique of the blinding power of the codependency, because the innate fears (repressed fear of failure and loss of identity) that has kept the codependency at the heart of how Sam and Dean relate themselves to each other is what is making Sam incapable of taking a step back and assessing their situation with any clarity. 

Instead, he recites the age old belief system and shuts himself off from questioning it in any way:

Dean will be okay, because Dean has to be okay. 

Jack is fine, because Jack has to be fine.

Sam’s loyalty to Dean is what makes Sam insist on Dean coming home after Sam talks Dean out of getting in that box, and then that same loyalty makes Sam insist on them acting as though everything is normal, thinking this is the only way he can support Dean, because this is how Dean has always handled every situation. 

But Sam in a leader position should think of the safety of those following him, he should see the very real threat of Michael getting free, and should take steps to protect the innocent people who end up dying at the hands of Michael.

I’m not saying their deaths are Sam’s fault, because Sam didn’t tell Michael to kill them, but their deaths are a narrative punishment for Sam’s inability to see past old patterns and learn from old mistakes.

Sam takes a huge risk bringing Dean back to the bunker, especially after he’s knocked out cold in this episode and even Cas can’t see what the hell is going on in his head, and if Sam wasn’t blinded by the patterns of the codependency, he might not have made that executive decision to begin with.

Btw, I’m also not prescribing the brothers shouldn’t have each other’s backs or should look at every dangerous situation with cold calculation, but when the lives of a group of innocent people are at stake, taking that step back and seeing the bigger picture might be preferable for everyone involved. 

Sam’s suppression/repression of his fears, and his inability to confront the fact that his fear of failure is keeping him tethered to his brother (because he’s using Dean’s presence as a security blanket, even when Sam’s the one in the leader position) is manifested through the fact that Sam can’t stop Noah, representative of suppression/repression.

Noah tosses Sam across the room like he’s made out of tissue paper because Noah represents all those things that are continually kicking Sam’s ass and making him run from taking real responsibility. 

And the way for Sam to shoulder individual responsibility and move towards his true identity, an identity that in no way is defined by his relationship to Dean? 

Well, to my mind, Sam needs to dare to believe that he’s a good and strong leader in his own right.

Sam has a default attitude of We Can Fix This Together, which is good, but that attitude without sound leadership and realistic risk assessment is bad. 

He’s the born leader. Once he’s balanced and begins to realise that teamwork still requires a strong team leader, he’ll be fucking golden.

*so Sam stating in 14x15 that he has to stop running made my heart sing* *hoping it sticks*

Dean

Dean, Dean, Dean. This episode made it very clear that he’s still very much not believing at all that there’s any way Sam and Cas can find a way to defeat Michael. He says to Cas that he promised to give them time, meaning Dean’s not part of this taking time deal. This is weighty af, because of course he’s the only one who can actually find another way, if he only dared try.

But he doesn’t dare to, because he’s completely ruled by his fear of failure, just like Sam is, only for Dean, it’s always all on him. 

If Michael gets free on his watch, it’s his fault, and he’d rather just go drop himself in the ocean than work as a team with people who might, and to his mind most likely will, get hurt in the process.

Dean’s risk assessment is always on red alert and there’s rarely any hope or trust in him - at least not on an unconscious, deeper level - that the outcome won’t be the worst case scenario, especially not now, with Michael pounding against his frontal lobe. 

Dean walks around not with a death wish, but with an acknowledgement that he’ll die on the job and with the conviction that what he wants is to go down swinging, and this conscious, defeatist attitude goes against his unconscious, true wish: to live a long and happy life.

His suppressed/repressed fears make even the thought of an actual future impossible.

His suppressed/repressed fears that are tied to his toxic masculinity armour and manifested in the toxic masculinity representative of Michael, ie Dean’s shadow-self.

And in this episode we have Dean incapable of facing his shadow-self for fear of what facing his shadow-self will mean for his ego, ie his conscious view of himself and his understanding of his own identity. 

So instead of facing his shadow-self and engaging in what Carl Jung calls shadow work, Dean has locked his shadow-self away and is, basically, holding onto Plan B, which is the equivalent of him running from the need to own up to fears that have been informing his way of relating himself to the world for far too long, and they’ve done so because rather than risk his long-held idea of who he is and who he’s been taught he needs to be (in order to keep Sam and the world safe), he’s going to put himself in a (societal) box and symbolically drown even the hope of finding internal balance.

This absolute and continued refusal to commit to change, to let go of his suppression as well as his repression of fears that have ruled him from much too young an age, lands him in a moment when facing off with the representative for that suppression/repression - Noah - brings about the narrative punishment of Dean’s worst fears coming to pass: losing his control and Michael breaking free because of it.

This punishment comes about because of the fact that Dean hasn’t been able to internally engage in shadow work, and the suppression/repression he’s engaged with instead now doing what it’s always done, which is take away Dean’s control and allow for his shadow-self to not only break free, but to actually manifest externally and wreak havoc.

But that’s not all. Oh, no.

I’ll talk about Jack a little further down.

Cas

Oh, Cas. At this point his identity confusion reaches a never before seen peak.

I mean, holy fuck, this moment is the moment when his rejection of his angel heritage is put in proper dialogue, but this rejection combined with the impossibility for him to explore what would make him truly happy means that he is stuck in identity limbo.

Not angel, not man, but a thing.

*it’s heartbreaking and stupidly exciting*

Cas is suppressing his longing for more because of his repressed fear of failure (among other fears), and this because his fear of failure is what’s crept up on him over the course of his individual arc, where he’s kept trying to help, and at every turn has faced a bigger and bigger failure, until it became impossible for him to see himself having any other use than to act the sacrificial lamb and constantly throw himself in the path of danger, without even thinking to ask himself if it was what he truly wanted for himself. 

In S4 Cas stated to Dean that he wasn’t just a hammer, but over the course of his individual arc, Cas has slowly made himself into the weapon, this when deep down he’s always been the shield, and he is innately the protector. 

Moving away from Heaven’s doctrine is essential for Cas’ character progression, and the slow nudging over the course of the last two seasons has been rather fantastic to behold, but for all his progress, Cas is now giving into his repressed fear of failure and allowing it to rule him.

Cas is choosing to maintain the status quo, and it’s gloriously frustrating to watch him simply accept the fact that he can’t ever be happy, when what he should be doing is engage in shadow work and question the validity of his shadow-self running the show.

Questioning his shadow-self and facing all those suppressed and deeply repressed fears, though, means the same as it does for Dean: answering the questions Who am I? and Who do I want to be? honestly, and for himself, and the prospect of his idea of himself having to evolve is a scary one, so no wonder he allows his shadow-self to dictate the terms.

Cas comes face to face with Noah and lo and behold, what happens is quite intriguing as Noah slaps Cas twice on each cheek, almost as if to chastise him for sleepwalking through his life, and then Noah kisses Cas on the cheek, effectively paralysing him.

It comes across as a rather marvellous visual manifestation of how Cas’ suppression/repression of his own true wants and needs is paralysing him, leaving him complacent to a fate that he believes is inevitable.

But...

Jack

So then. Jack. This formidable knitting point. This gorgeous narrative tool. This amazing mirror for all of TFW, full of expositional prowess and symbolic value.

Aw Jack.

His fear has always been reflective of Sam, Dean and Cas, because even though he’s his own brand of innocent, he is meant to be a combination of the character traits of TFW, allowing him that expositional prowess, because his character evolution sheds light on the needed evolution of TFW.

*mh mh good*

Jack’s greatest fear is to bring suffering, but in this fear is the fear of failure, yes, that old fear, that’s so overwhelming in all of TFW. Jack wants to do good, and he tries so hard that we’ve seen how it’s sometimes difficult for him to separate good choices from bad ones.

In 12x19 he rejected Dagon and he rejected his father, choosing Cas as his protector and doing everything in his baby Nephi powers to protect his mother. Kelly’s motherly love shaped Jack into the caring and innocent being that he came into the world as, where that moment of his father reaching out to him, at the beginning of S13, frightened him, and where he continuously rejected Lucifer’s influence. 

What 14x14 so gorgeously sets up for us is underlining what Jack’s weakness at this point in his individual arc is: his refusal to acknowledge how he doesn’t know who he is yet. 

I’m not a child. I’m the son of Lucifer. I’m a hunter. I’m a Winchester.

The identity confusion in this statement is pretty amazing, to my mind, because where he’s spent so much time rejecting his father and the heritage of Lucifer, he’s now suddenly embracing it in dialogue and, even more than that, he’s using it as his first identity marker. Clearly he’s seeing himself moving into adulthood, his identity statement after all beginning with him telling us how he considers his childhood over.

And let’s note that his last identity marker is that he’s a Winchester.

Yeah, as 14x15 is already telling us, this probably doesn’t bode well, but I also believe it doesn’t bode well for now. 

The fact that he claims the Winchester name for his is also a very good thing for later, obviously, and one that will most likely be crucial when it comes to the resolution of what is most likely going to be his dark arc. It may last a few episodes or it may build to the end of the season, we shall see, but it seems fairly evident that it’s rapidly approaching.

In a sense, him taking Michael’s grace into himself is him moving from child to teenager, in another sense Jack declaring that he’s not a child is ironic, seeing how he truly needs guidance, now more than ever before.

I mean, he’s literally swallowed down the essence of the thing that’s tripped Dean up his whole life and, by proxy, Sam and ultimately Cas as well: toxic masculinity. 

This is no way to grow up, Jack.

And, of course -->

Jack losing his soul - even though it’s not all of it yet - is a callback to Sam being soulless in S6, where Sam had to confront the side to him that is able to distance itself and look at a situation through a wholly mercenary perspective, fuelling his sense of dependency as he suddenly had to question his own judgement, something that hampers him as a leader as well, hollowing out his sense of self-worth, making it wholly easier to follow than to lead

the possible setting up for Jack trying to help and managing to do the opposite, his growing powers possible sending him off the beaten track, might prove a strong callback to Cas for most of his arc, where his first mistake of becoming Godstiel paved the way for choices that led hollowed out Cas sense of self-worth, leading him into depression

the possible setting up for Jack’s shadow-self to rule him because of Jack swallowing down toxic masculinity is a callback to the MoC arc for Dean, where his lack of self-worth led him to become a demon, the scenario being his shadow-self manifesting his worst nightmare as Dean lost himself in careless, selfish, mindless coping behaviours, dominated by violence

As ever, we shall see how the writers choose to go, but I’m damned stoked.

This whole season has been saturated with the MoC arc of S10 and the MoC arc was all about pushing Dean to change and to evolve out of old, worn patterns. It was all about forcing a new perspective of himself on him, and a new understanding of what he wants for himself. (a long and happy life with the man he loves) And here we now are, with all of these characters facing their suppression/repression as well as the narrative consequences for none of them having properly grown up and grown into their true identities. 

The fact that they can still deceive themselves like this is shown to not be okay, as they’re all hit with equal punishment, all of which now rather neatly knots itself into the fate of Jack.

My hope?

That Jack’s choice to burn off his soul to protect the people he loves and swallowing Michael’s grace and beginning to feel different and possibly starting to go off the rails is the awaited push necessary for Sam, Dean and Cas to reach the point in their progression that it’s necessary they reach if they’re going to be able to get through to Jack, and ultimately guide him or, at the very least, be the role models he truly needs.

Because right now, not a single one of them is anywhere near that point. Well, possibly Sam, as per 14x15, if he’s the first one of them to stop running.

Let’s remember that Jack was the one to chop off Noah’s head as well as put an end to Michael’s new world order: symbolically pretty heavy duty on the probable importance to the actual internal balance being reached for our three main characters, right?

Jack cut the head off two symbolical snakes in one episode.

Both of which were tied to the unhealthy habits of Sam, Dean and Cas.

It’s beautifully setup, whatever happens, and I can’t wait to see what we get!

[tinkdw]

14x03 watching notes and mini meta

My feelings are summed up with this gif x:

So much good stuff, where to start?! Longer / specific meta’s to a topic are linked and underlined. Okay, let’s dive in :)

- Sam’s beard. This was too good I had to do a quick visual meta on it right after I watched it. Dean really loves scruff on men, has flirted with guys with scruff, literally told Cas he liked his peach fuzz, but on Sam? HELL NO thats my brother! Brilliant, funny, sibling jibing, cute and bi!Dean stuff Bobo, kudos.

- Dean’s repressing his memories and pretending he doesn’t remember just like Hell, a callback to season 4. While he’s got a different Supernatural scar (Michael wound v Cas’ handprint which is another Supernatural forced bond v chosen bond with Cas theme just as Amara was) and all the Dean / Michael parallels going on since season 4/5 pointed it out and Dean in the end bravely went against his duty and destiny to be true to himself instead of the Michael mirror he was supposed to be while now he’s being told/asked again “are you like Michael or are you your own person?” Next up: PROVE IT. Excellent.

- The perfunctory Jack hug v the Cas eye love making wow, I mean I speculated that we wouldn’t get a hug because thematically it made sense not to with the holding back and empty space theme between them so having a Jack hug but not a Cas one was so jarring and supposed to be. It was done so well to show how much deeper the feelings are between Dean and Cas without a hug. Wowzers. Dean is looking at Cas then Jack launches in to hug him which he accepts but then just continues to just keep staring at Cas. Those two can convey more with their eyes than most can do with their whole bodies, it was so intimate and so much while at the same time showing the whole empty space holding back thing we yelled about all of last year after the mirror opposite of Cas being restored to Dean, on top of the romantic music when the scene starts but crescendos like crazy as soon as Cas enters and ends when Dean walks out. Pfffft.

Kaia, Cas and Jack mirrors, Dean’s metaphorical “am I like Michael?” arc and all the rest under the cut.

- Kaia! My anon from last week was right kudos! I’ll admit to having been totally wrong about that link with the scar, this is cool! The symbolism of Michael, epitome of the metaphor of toxic masculinity and Dean’s hang ups being terrified of little queer girl Kaia is just... wowzers. So much symbolism there, meanwhile Dean is literally stuck in the middle being harmed both physically and emotionally by this tug of war. All we need is for Kaia to become textually good, be emancipated, to help Dean defeat Michael (come on, the symbolism of the two of them doing it together? With help from Dean’s family Cas, Sam and even maybe Jack?!) and we’re good to go on a Dean Sublimation Winchester to Dean Emancipation Winchester textual storyline. 

*grabby hands*

- Dean’s comment of “I didn’t mean to be a dick” while Jack’s all “everything is my responsibility” which is Dean’s MO makes me FEEL THINGS. 

- Dean is throwing himself into the case to avoid his feelings and left Cas behind with ease. IMO, totally metaphorical as well as useful for the plot. Leaving his feelings and things that make him emotional behind? Better leave Cas there then, can’t have Cas and all the feelings that go with him next to him just being Cas when he’s precisely trying to bury his feelings, running away from them. Sam then acknowledging that this is “kinda your thing” is great. Yes Sam.

- Note the different music between Cas and Dean and Sam and Dean’s “moments” >...>

- Jody loving Sams beard lol, I just... love this. Whatever meta wise, it’s gold :p

- SAM AND SERIAL KILLERS!!! Just before we get Dean and horror movies! Showing their different interests! Yasssssss :D :D :D :D :D THIS IS MY ENDING THE TOXIC CODEPENDENCY LETTING THEM BE THEIR OWN PEOPLE JAM!

- Jack was going to leave and now isn’t because he wants to help someone, he is truly a Winchester.

- IT’S MARKED GROSS STUFF. All the headcanons of Dean and Cas doing domestic shit around the bunker. Throw in Sam on occasion too where Sam and Cas both eye roll at Dean’s childish antics with indulgent smiles and you got me one happy headcanoning fangirl. Thanks Bobo :)

- One of my dads! *internal screaming*

- “My mum probably hates me cos I ran away” Sam mirror?! Jack mirror obviously, but hey everyone’s a TFW mirror. Everyone’s a mirror of someone who’s a mirror of someone these days. It’s hard to keep up.

- Dean’s barrelling ahead but Sam has actually done intel, he is the rightful leader here. Dean is an emotional liability. This is gonna rear it’s head.

- Ok but is the necklace clearly not cursed...

- “First love strikes quick and to lose it like that” - I mean!! 

A. Great that the GA get the textualisation that it was romantic that we’ve known since the ep aired, but great that it’s clearly canon now not just subtext. Though showing that clearly the subtext they did use (which was ALL DeanCas parallels) was supposed to show a romance story there >....>

B. Sam totally gets losing your first love to a Supernatural being and being set on revenge, throwing yourself into hunting to mask the pain. Jess rearing her head so late in the game is heartbreaking.

C. Insert matching gifs of Kaias death and Cas’s death too (which we paralleled to Sam x Jess and John x Mary at the time). Pffft. Then straight on to taking about Dean. More pffffft.

- Kaia was trying to stab Claire when they first met. Ok we get you want to write Destiel but openly queer Bobo, I love it, keep going.

- Jack losing someone and blaming himself while Cas looks like he is too. Jack is lamenting his powers... really to be a good Cas mirror he needs to find the solution here thanks to his mind and his human, powerless side to show this is just as powerful as having ‘powers’.- Oh look! He does ;) That’s not significant at all. Side eyes.- Cas is so proud :p

- Dean definitely seemed to have a Michael callback moment there. Excellent, I’ll be keeping a tabs in case it continues as per my spec that he will display Michael-esque behaviour over the season for plot and metaphorical reasons.

- Dean “I’m gonna do whatever it takes to defeat Michael” and going Michael on Kaia is an exact mirror of Nick murdering the neighbour in a fit of rage over “I’m gonna so whatever it takes to get revenge for my family”.

- Kaia / Bobo points it out that he’s like Michael okay lol hammer to the face but good that makes it simple :p

- Scared - “you always have been”. Flashback to Dean going nuts at Kaia and calling it what it is. Fear. No brainwashing, just Dean. As I said at the time >...> Of course it was all Dean and this is him too, it’s about how scared he is to be alone, to lose the people he loves, to feel unloved, unwanted, unuseful and all his hangups. This whole thing has been a giant neon sign pointing at Dean’s inner demons since day 1 and Bobo is clarifying for us just as Dabb clarified the Jack-Cas stuff earlier because of course it only makes sense to their character arc if they’re making their own decisions.

- God I love them.

- I’m already expecting stans to be mad that Kaia saved the 3 best hunters. *rolls eyes and moves* on ITS METAPHORICALLY SYMBOLIC and IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT.

- Jody feels like a John callback here about raising hunters and feeling like you’ve already lost before youve started whilst at the same time clearly is Bobo lamenting the loss of Wayward Sisters. Man... clutches heart strings.

- Cas “you made me so proud”. He’s so sweet and kind and argh. Proving that Jack is both hunter and angel. “Let’s go on a hunting trip” and Cas making soup?! End me! where’s the fan art?!!!!!

- Oh dear. Jack... Chekhov’s bloody cough.

- Dean actually opened up within one episode?! Wow. Character growth! He admits he was repressing and it was stupid. He admits he does remember some stuff as a clear mirror opposite to how long it took him to open up in season 4. He felt like he was drowning. Wow the depression metaphor. Now he feels responsible again. Sigh... a whole season of Dean pain. Well, we were prepared, let’s just tighten that seat belt.

- ALL THE HUGS FOR BOBO!!!

[dimples-of-discontent]

Reporting in from Paleyfest

I have returned from Paleyfest (and some drinks with friends afterwards so sorry for the delay)! It was a great experience - the crowd was psyched and it was all super fun. I’m glad you all got the livestream so you can enjoy the whole panel too. I’m actually pretty surprised that there wasn’t some kind of announcement made, either about possible Season 14 (although Singer alluded to it with “maybe we’ll go there next season” it’s not a confirmation and he could just be assuming) or about Wayward. It seemed like with this much PR going on there would be something substantial to promote BUT the crossover ep itself is a big deal and a long time in the making so I guess it was the occasion.

Speaking of the crossover episode, I’m going to break the rules (or the very polite request that they gave us) to not spoil it for anyone else. @tinkdw asked me to and I’m guessing there are other people out there who’d like to know some the details in advance. (I’m also not a member of the press or anything or else I’d have more qualms about making public stuff they asked to keep on the DL since it would be job-related.)

SO - I am putting my thoughts on the episode below a cut. If you read on, know that I will spoil the whole plot and also give you my initial analysis of it from the perspective I usually have (Destiel-positive, endgame-positive). And if you’d rather not spoil, just scroll on.

@elizabethrobertajones @naruhearts @sactownbrowns3 @amwritingmeta @postmodernmulticoloredcloak @mittensmorgul @amyoatmeal and any other meta writers (who I forgot b/c it’s 4:30am to my body clock) I’m alerting you to the existence of this post in case you want the episode details ahead of time BUT in your position I probably wouldn’t so don’t feel in any way bad if you don’t want to read now. (I’ll reblog once it airs.)

***SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT LIKE WOAH***

I loved this episode!! It was a ton of fun. It was slapstick and silly but did some heavy lifting too. Honestly, it worked the way a lot of our favorite crack episodes did and alluded to at least one of them explicitly (”Changing Channels,” obvs, and I think there may have been more subtle references to others). 

I’m too tired to do a full meta analysis but here’s a kind of bullet recap, first of the most plot-based elements:

The plot turns on the fact that the Scooby Doo world, suddenly, ends up functioning like the world Sam and Dean inhabit. The boys enter the cartoon assuming all usual cartoon rules would apply (and Dean’s ready to have a rollicking good time with them) only to discover that the first murder in the haunted house is real. Ghosts are real. Death is real. Sam wants to tell the Scooby gang about it from the get-go but Dean wants to protect them and preserve their innocence. 

It’s already obviously about childhood, and losing it, but Dean makes it explicit by talking about how much he loved Scooby Doo because no matter where their dad had dragged them it would always be on. They were his friends and constant companions. He is really being thrown into the best part of his childhood....and you can see why it would be the best because it’s probably his fantasy and deepest wish that the ghosts, demons, etc. of the world he inhabits would turn out just to be bad guys in masks, death wouldn’t be real, etc. It’s Dean safe place in childhood because it takes his actual life (ghost hunting) and makes it safe and even fun. Dean wants to keep his safe place safe and is shocked and horrified when the rules of his universe invade.

It’s Sam who wants to tell them the truth about monsters from the word “go” even before it’s been revealed that death can come to Scooby Doo. (Dean laments, heartbreakingly, that it doesn’t matter if he dies...what’s important is that they make sure Scooby doesn’t die because clearly he’s such an innocent creature.) Sam, who did not have his childhood cut as abruptly short as Dean and who did not have to seek solace in a cartoon world because Dean helped him make a safe space in the real world, doesn’t see the point of lying about ghosts being real. Dean, who worked to keep Sam safe from this knowledge for YEARS of his own stunted childhood by acting as a parent, does want to keep the gang in the dark because he wants them to retain their innocence. It’s a huge lampshade to the different experiences Sam and Dean had as children and as sons.

They do eventually have to tell the Scooby gang and, wonderfully, it induces an existential crisis in them. Watching Daphne question the existence of God based on what she has inferred about the afterlife is amazing. It is not what I expected. Dean brings them back from the brink by reminding them of all the good work they had done before.

I’m going to tell the ending now and then double back to some other observations: the phantom they are chasing is the ghost of a small boy who is being manipulated, through a cursed object (a pocket knife given to him by his beloved father before he died), by an unscrupulous man (the real estate agent who we met in the beginning) who unleashes the boy’s anger on whoever he chooses for his own purpose...to scare people off of property he wants to buy. This way, the villain of a typical Scooby episode actually becomes the villain of this SPN episode...the evil real estate developer. 

Before heading back to their world, where they burn the pocket knife and free the ghost, Dean convinces Sam and Cas to lie to the Scooby gang and tell them that they were right initially--ghosts aren’t real. He goes so far as to stage the unmasking of the cartoon villain (the one from the original Scooby episode) and helps them to explanations involving wires, cornstarch blood, etc. Sam is grumpy about it but does it anyway. It’s crucial to Dean that they leave the Scooby gang as they found them and not saddle them with the world the Winchesters live in.

Let me just reiterate...the ghost that has been terrorizing them is frightened little boy. Who kept a pocket knife (much like the one we see being used to carve the Winchester’s initials into the Impala) as a token of his dead father. His father is symbolized and memorialized by a weapon. The weapon is the object the little boy is tied to and that another man--a bad man--can use to manipulate him into hurting others because “I just get so angry sometimes.” To be free, the knife (weapon, father’s legacy) has to be burned. There are closeups on a very sad Dean while this happens (some sad Sam and Cas too).

It is blindingly obvious that the little boy, who is wreaking havoc on the cartoon safe space of his childhood, represents Dean. To stop the destruction Dean has to let something go (he starts the episode referencing Elsa and EXPLICITLY SAYING THIS LINE I CAN’T EVEN). Something that is keeping him angry. Something that is tied to his father. Something that can be used to manipulate him, employed as a weapon to hurt other innocent people (Mark of Cain/Demon Dean plot lines). Dean is full of anger and of self-loathing and it’s coming from the same source. That source is toxic masculinity. Let it go, Dean. Let it go.

Is it also tied to issues of sexuality? I think so. I’ll reflect a little bit below, but I wanted to do the whole plot-based analysis first. 

And now the less plot-based stuff:

Ok, so can the ghost represent repressed sexuality/a different form of masculinity? SO MUCH YES. Point one: Cas is the only one who stops to take a look at the ghost and is thisclose to seeing through it’s big ol’scary disguise and finding a vulnerable child. He stops and squints at it, Cas-style, and says “I’ve never seen a ghost wear such a ridiculous costume. Unless...” and then he reaches out to it, starting to push aside the veil only to be pulled away. Now if that isn’t metaphorically precisely what Cas did, and does, for Dean and his performing facade I will buy a hat so that I can eat it. 

Point two, there is a scene where the ghost is chasing everyone through a series of doors on either side of a hallway (you know the scene...they run across the hallway, doors open and shut on either side, feet flying everywhere). They successfully shut the ghost in a closet with iron chains, though it’s close to breaking out. Daphne presses her body up against the door to hold it. Dean checks her out very obviously in a way that is both superfluous to and inconsistent with the plot. This means that the silhouette of a conventionally sexy woman is QUITE LITERALLY holding the closet door closed on the ghost. Metaphorically, it shows how Dean is able to use his attraction to conventionally sexy women to hold back what’s haunting him...attraction to men, ideas about a certain type of masculinity. Does it work? BIG FAT NO. The ghost breaks out anyway. (<Puts on professor cap> Have you guys read “The Beast in the Closet”? It’s by Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick and is about "intense male homosocial desire as at once the most compulsory and the most prohibited of social bonds.” It’s about Henry James’s work but I think you would all dig it. <Takes off professor cap.>)

I wanted to start with that because I can tell that people are going to be very upset about Dean’s excessive flirtation with/pursuit of Daphne. And, yeah, I almost injured my eyes by rolling them so hard at some of the things he says. BUT THAT’S THE POINT. What he’s saying is a child’s idea of how a grown man would act with a woman he likes. And it bears a great deal of similarity to how Dean does act sometimes. We call it performing!Dean and wonder to what extent Dean is conscious of his performing. Given this episode I’d say..maybe .not that conscious? I feel like the overstated heterosexual dudebroness was done specifically to give us an over-exaggerated literal cartoon version of heterosexual Dean to compare to regular Dean so that anyone who doesn’t know Dean performs in his own life will have a lens through which to see it.

Also, Daphne is his childhood crush. OF COURSE he’s going to act like a moron around her. If I encountered [insert childhood TV crush here...for me it was Kevin from “The Wonder Years” for whatever reason] I’d act dumb as fuck! But you have to remember that she represents innocence for him...it’s established that all the Scoobies do (heh - puns!). Even if he’s kissing her hand or putting an arm around her or whatever there is no danger there, just like there’s no danger in the ghosts. Sexuality to Dean isn’t scary in Scooby Doo because it’s simple: it’s just a girl he likes. Except, just like how the ghosts are also dangerous, the love plot isn’t going to be that simple or that straightforward (heh - straight). You see where I’m going. Dean would rather be in a universe ghosts weren’t real because it’s safer and easier and kind of a fantasy land but they ARE real and he will have to deal with them; Dean would also rather be in a world where he was a suave, irresistible ladies’ man because it’s safer and easier and a kind of fantasy....but he’s not. Jensen even said so in his interview. Granted, Jensen’s comment may have just meant that Dean’s not suave like he thinks. But the actual episode draws a parallel that’s pretty damn clear.

Another reason to not worry: Daphne is zero interest in Dean at all. She has negative interest in Dean. Her lack of interest in Dean has created a void that is sucking all the air out of the room. She may not even know that Dean is hitting on her. She is so focused on Fred that no one else exists for her as a romantic interest. They are so obviously a pair, even though they are never shown to be together as a couple explicitly. <Stares directly into the camera like I’m on The Office.> Can Dean not see that? Is he blind? Well, he does see it, but he thinks Daphne is “settling” for Fred who represents a kind of masculinity that makes him uncomfortable (more in a sec). In point of fact, no one is romantically interested in Dean in this episode...unlike Sam who gets a lot of appreciation (and an eventual kiss) from Velma.

 As for Fred, Dean begins by really hating him (so much that Sam remarks on it) and when pressed about why he attributes it to Fred’s self-confidence despite things like his “stupid ascot.” Dean comes to like and admire Fred and, ultimately, have the confidence to wear an ascot himself BECAUSE HE LIKES IT. It didn’t make Fred less of a man. It doesn’t make Dean less of a man to wear it with his plaid shirt. Fred helps Dean along the way to some self-acceptance. It’s nice. Fred is there to serve as a contrast to Dean’s overblown notions of what is “masculine” and offer another form of masculinity that is, manifestly, still appealing to the ladies.

Now, remember the Scooby Doo universe doesn’t have sex in it. It’s a cartoon. And they bend those rules only the tiniest bit here. All of Dean’s advances and even his jokes are PG. That innocence on the part of the Scoobies is played for laughs, Daphne remarking that Dean is silly for not knowing that “boys and girls don’t sleep in the same room” for example, but it’s also integral to the plot. (There are some other jokes too and, for a glorious second, I thought that they were legitimately going to reveal that Daphne and Velma were a thing but sadly not.) No one would want to ruin the Scooby universe by telling them about sex...not even Dean. Again, it contains a child’s conception of relationships.

I’m imagining some people will also be upset about how the episode treats Cas. I was especially stung that, right at the outset, Dean says flat-out that “Cas is basically a talking dog.” I made a noise of indignation that made people look at me. BUT let’s also remember how much Dean loves that talking dog. He’d die for him. He wants to protect him at any cost. He doesn’t want to spoil his innocence. So, yeah, that’s not a nice thing to say but it’s also not the whole story. Cas is grouped with Scooby and Shaggy the whole time and he bonds with them, SMILING (ALERT ALERT CARTOON CASTIEL KNOWS HOW TO SMILE) AND LAUGHING when he has to leave. He thanks them for showing him the importance of humor even in dangerous times. I think it’s a good lesson for Cas and his real affection for them reminds me of what a soft character he is inside, wanting to get a cat or save monkeys or keep bees. That’s been missing from Cas lately (even though I do LOVE bamf!Cas) so maybe this will help him recall it.

I want to say again that Cas is the one who can see through the ghost and its “ridiculous costume.”

Interestingly, both his entrances (his first appearance after Fred and Dean take off to drag race; when he reunites with the boys in the haunted house) frame him as a scary villain. The first is from behind and you just see the coat billowing out (though this did remind me of the girl running the drag race in “Grease” which...lol); the second he’s silhouetted in a window, approaching it in the rain, and is then covered with a sheet before he’s “unmasked” by Dean and discovered to be a friend. This is...pretty much Castiel’s character progression always. Looks like a threat but is discovered not to be.

Once they get back to their regular world Dean makes a remark about how that was the most fun he’s ever had “including that time with the Cartwright twins.” Cas studies him and asks “What did you do with the Cartwright twins?”. There’s a long beat in which Dean looks shifty and grins and shakes his head and turns away. Sam says “I don’t think I want to know.” Cas says nothing. Cas does want to know. This is new and part of a general progression that @amwritingmeta wrote a great analysis of where Cas is becoming able to think something like Forget that sacred oath...I must know what Dean did with those twins.

There was probably more, you guys, but it’s super late for my poor body clock. Please feel free to pass this on to anyone you think would like it but bear in mind that a) there are MASSIVE SPOILERS, b) this is just my interpretation of the episode, and c) I only saw it live once so my details may be wrong. 

I thought this as a fantastic episode the more I think about it and I’m SO EXCITED for all of you to get to see it too so I can hear your thoughts!! <3

[amwritingmeta]

Thinking as Dean's scar both on his arm and internally, it's interesting to see how Cas' touch to Dean when he first rose him from hell and now (a different hell but one all the same). It's interesting to see the effect Cas' touch has on Dean, really. And what will come with seeing how Cas touching a scar that symbolizes John and the memories associated with will drag Dean from hell this time.

Hello my lovely Nonny!

YES it is so interesting, isn’t it?? It is, it really is. :)

We have Cas burning a scar into Dean’s shoulder when rescuing him from Hell, yeah? That handprint represented salvation and, I mean, the way I see this narrative it also represented the first steps on Dean’s journey towards his true identity. The handprint and their first dialogue, as well as the overarching themes of S4, all hitting strongly on the idea of happiness and predominantly of identity.

The Who are you? of it all.

Now we have Cas touching a scar that was delivered to Michael’s sense of omnipotence, to be quite frank, and left behind as a reminder of what Michael represents to Dean.

Oppressor in the text

His father in the subtext

Because yaaaasssss of course I absolutely believe that Michael is here to represent John the toxic masculinity teacher Winchester.

Let me try and be brief but clear: John Winchester taught his son some tough lessons, lessons John thought Dean needed to learn in order to protect himself and his brother, these lessons have fucked up Dean’s sense of self to the point of his answer to the Who are you? question having been spoon fed to him from such an early age that he believes that answer to be true and the only one worth giving.

So what this scar may bring about is Dean moving away from this spoon fed answer and starting to ask himself Who am I? and Who do I want to be? It would be... starbursts and rainbows good for him. To ask himself honestly What do I want? And in order to answer this truthfully he’ll need to redefine his idea of who he should be, needs to be, this person who he has been forced to be and has forced himself to be.

It all comes back to his childhood, which was why I was so excited by 13x16 and the ghost that turned out to be a little kid being held captive by an evil man, a kid who just wanted to go be with his dad. It set Dean up for embracing his neglected inner child, but there’s still work to do and truths to face and truths to admit to himself.

He needs to admit to himself that what John did was wrong, what John taught him wasn’t true and isn’t necessary to keep him alive. That John’s lessons and his paranoia and his need for control have poisoned Dean into acting exactly like his father. He needs to let his idealisation of his dad go.

What this will look like is all up for grabs, but mh mh mh that confrontation with Michael ought to be good. And that little ghost kid who just wanted his dad: that’s Dean wanting his real dad, not toxic masculinity armoured John Winchester out for revenge on his wife’s murder and answers about why it even happened in the first place.

I think it’s wonderful that Dean trusts Cas to get in his head, but it’s not a shocker to me, because Cas represents Faith to Dean, and Dean has always trusted Cas unconditionally, even when he had every reason to give up on him, every reason to hate him. When Cas broke Sam’s wall in S6 like... that should’ve been it, right? But it wasn’t. Because Dean knows Cas, knows there’s so much more to him than a few rotten choices.

Of course, having Cas get in Dean’s head is not a request made by Dean - it’s an order. And it’s an order given to Cas that begs no question. Moreover, it’s to serve the greater purpose of the mission Dean’s guilt has already set for him: kill Michael.

So what’s more interesting to me is how Dean eagerly then leaves Cas at the bunker.

Because that tells me that Dean knew what the hunt would be about: the spear. Dean knew he’d stop at nothing to get the weapon that can kill Michael. And he knew that Cas would question him, and he couldn’t have that. He wanted to floor the Impala and get to the moment when he killed the representative of him having absolutely no control, even over himself, and Cas’ frown-y face always gives Dean pause, and always has, even when he’s resisted it. :)

But that’s the subtext here, right?

The text reading is, as stated by Dean: he wants to stop this threat that he feels he set loose on the world. His internal motivation is guilt.

The subtext is: I was left feeling completely vulnerable, I was drowning and I was helpless and I don’t ever want to feel that way again. His internal motivation is fear.

(take note of how he then confessed to Sam how he truly feels and ends on a note of self-blame rather than being afraid of anything)

I think it might be, and I kind of hope that it is, significant that while 4x01 was all about Dean and Cas - even with the brothers reunited, the entire episode is built around finding out who left the handprint, who got Dean out of hell, who is this Castiel? - 14x03 is about the brothers, about how they relate to one another, and though Cas touching the scar is an amazing visual callback, its also rather wonderful that the context is now the opposite.

Because the handprint was all about Castiel the Saviour, and, the way I see it, subtextually about how his presence was going to push Dean’s journey towards finding his identity, while Dean and Cas have now reached the point where Dean has to continue on this new leg towards his true identity on his own, and Cas’ influence and Dean’s reliance on him (subconsciously, as representative of Faith) has to be allowed to fade.

The need has to be replaced by want.

As in: I don’t need you here, I want you here. It’s not an involuntary sensation, it’s my choice. And I’ll make damn sure you know it. (please and thank you)

But, as ever, we shall see! I’m loving this season though. Cannot wait to be Perezed into the high heavens tomorrow. :P

Happy Halloween to you!