#they could have had glorious sex from episode one

[tannie137-blog]

Me, obsessed since 2016 with a TV show that ended in 2015. 3 series, 34 episodes and just half a forced kiss and ONE real kiss. At the last minute of the very last episode. And still, there's no one day of my life in the last 9 years I have not think on it. Obsessed.

I think we should write more straight relationships with 2010s TV queerbait tactics. Let that man and that woman's lives be horribly intertwined, let them take bullets for the other, let them be each other's meaning but NO KISSING. They are holding each other platonically. You're crazy for reading anything romantic into it at all tbh

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - Lots of lovely kisses & an unwarranted upset in the standings

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

Oct 2024 Week 2

Ongoing Series - Thai

Fourever You (Thai Thurs YT) ep 2 of 16 - Yes yes J&J should be first but I am weak in the face of, well, frankly this man's face:

Pond = greatest piner in a dog’s age. The yearning in that boy’s eyes is obscene, it’s like the most explicit sex that only he can see and we’re just voyeurs.

Thus I continue to adore this stupid show and everything it stands for. No notes. May the fluff continue eternal.

Jack & Joker (Thai Mon IQIYI) ep 5 of 12 - Everyone is so skilled in this show, but War is truly glorious. Considering the pacing, I think we are probably in for some long periods of darkness, suffering, and pain soon. I’m not mad about that prospect, it’s earned and foreshadowed, I just thought I’d lay it out there.

Kidnap (Fri YT) ep 6 of 12 - More boys from GMMTV with good communication. Who knew? Min has SUCH a white knight complex. NO SINGING. Good demanding kiss, though. Well, Ohm can handle anything. 

Meanwhile, this really is a bodyguard romance under another name. And I kinda wanna rewatch Never Let Me Go as a result.

Love Sick 2024 (Thai Sun iQIYI) ep 4 of 15 - Earn remains best boy and my favorite character. Phun is v jelly, as he should be. AND I like Ohm & N'Mik better in this version. I still prefer the original leads, but I’m enjoying this enough. 

I had no idea how much I missed Gunsmile! It’s so nice to see him on my screen again.

Monster Next Door (Thai Thurs Gaga ) ep 12 fin - I hate Diew’s mom. Hate her. So much. She may be my least favorite mom ever in BL. That’s saying a lot. No I don’t think she was redeemed. 

Conclusion

Adapted from the novel Godzilla Next Door by Jiwinil about an introvert who lives mostly in his room, until a loud annoying extrovert moves in next door. This was one of my top picks for 2024 and I’m delighted to say it satisfied expectations. A charmingly serene story of opposites attract, that featured good communication, patience, and genuine affection used to build a solid relationship.(I’m particularly delighted that our musician is a drummer and I don’t have to listen to him sing.) Yes it’s a tad slow but it’s very earnest and leans into the kind of sweetness that Thai BL does best. Doesn’t hurt that this starred an actor (Big) that many of us have been hoping would get a lead for years. I was pleased and comforted. This is not a kind of BL that suits everybody, but it suited me admirably. 8/10 

Battle of the Writers (Sun YT) ep 10 of 12 - Ozone and the Ice Prince (name still unknown) did their little dance. What an earnest and romantic confession from our Icy man. I literally said “no no no just kiss, no foreheads.” And it was a great crying kiss, my favorite. Honestly, that amount of emotion hadn’t been earned by this pair, but I don’t mind. I could watch a whole show just about them. Also woah! Major nekid on YT?

Thailand......

Risking demonetization for arse…...

I guess we’ve all been there. 

Where was I?

I’m happy with this episode since it was mostly my side couple. But the distribution of main couple and side couple and the focus of each episode is wildly erratic with this show. It’s very odd. (And let's be clear we ordered errotic not erratic.)

Every You Every Me (Thai Mon Gaga) ep 1 of 10 - Jade and Chin have lived over a thousand lifetimes. In each one they somehow manage to fall in love with each other. (This pair, TopMick was piloted in a My Universe ep, that was one of the only ones I liked.) Soulmate premise is a mix of Color Rush and La Pluie. Frankly, this isn’t as good as either, but it’s enjoyable in a slow cheerful way. Especially if you like this particular set of tropes. It’s quietly lovely and I like the leads. Sunshine is very very sunshine and our tsundere is a grumpy mysterious nerd. Trigger for domestic abuse. It looks like each episode is gonna be a completely different meet cute with the same pairing. It’s more linked vignettes than any overarching story. So if you don’t like this pair, you won’t like this series.

Addicted Heroin (Thai Tues WeTV) ep 9 of 10 - More sports day. (Everybody’s doing sports days right now.) Random sides kissing. Where did the glasses person come from? Was he introduced and I forgot about it? Oh that’s the evil cousin! Okay… anygay. Sides randomly flip-flop who they like and I don’t know what the fuck is going on. This show. I swear. Ooo caught kissing. And… killed? What a mind fuck of a soap opera. Honestly, I’m fine if he’s dead, I don’t care at this point I just feel jerked around. 

For some reason no eng sub for me for the first half. So I watched with Spanish subs (which is about as good as my Thai, only for different words). What a wild experience.

Bad Guy My Boss (Thai Sun Gaga) ep 4 of 10 - Oh dear. I just can’t imagine ever rooting for this couple. Which means… Why am I watching this? 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

My Damn Business (Korea Sat YT) eps 1-2 of 7 - Oh I love it. Casual flirty westernized-style boss. Reserved reluctant cutie (yes we’ve seen the actor before). Is it disgusting workplace harassment? Oh most certainly. Do I enjoy it anyway? Yep, I’m warped. No defense, but at least it’s something from Korea. 

Teenager Judge (Vietnam Sat YT) ep 3 of ? - I like the lead being bullied and pushed to his limit thus turning into a psychopath. It’s gonna be a fun ride if it really goes Devil Judge just teens and actually gay. I wonder if it has the strength of its convictions? 

Our Golden Times (Hong Kong YT) 5 fin? - I guess that is the reunion? What an odd little piece. I’m not entirely sure what I feel about it except that this feels more BL than anything Hong Kong has given us so far (which isn't much). The subs are truly terrible. Since I speak absolutely zero Cantonese I can’t really fix them in my brain. I thought this was the final ep but then a teaser for ep 6 dropped so I we have at least one more. 

First Note Of Love (Taiwan Mon Gaga) ep 10 of 12 - It was a nice, if entirely unearned reunion. And the leads do kiss beautifully. Trust Taiwan. I am so glad that Orca is back! There was even a little language play flip-flopping just for me. Very cute. Also GREAT kissing. How long have we been waiting for Thailand and Taiwan to kiss? 

Eccentric Romance (Korea Weds Viki) eps 1-2 of 12 - Silkwood’s 2nd Thai/Korean colab. This has been in production since 2022 which is a LONG time in the BL world (worrying). But I like the concept: friends of 10 years who’ve been hiding feelings for each other enter the same university. Plus MURDER. Stars Yoon Jun Won (The Man BLK) and Thai actor Save Saisawat (Ai Long Nhai). I begin to think every The Man BLK member will eventually lead out a BL at this point.

It’s enjoyable in a weird way. Grumpy (hottie with a crush) + sunshine (captain oblivious). I gotta say, since this is the second relationship dual lingo style in our BL rn that it’s ALWAYS weird if the other half doesn't occasionally code switch languages, especially for specific words. In other words, the Korean dude is supposed to at least understand Thai, occasionally he’s should use a Thai world to get a point across. And the Thai dude is there to STUDY KOREAN, he should be slipping in and out of Korean regularly. Bah. 

It's airing but...

Love is Like a Poison AKA Doku Koi: Doku mo Sugireba Koi to Naru (Japan Tues Netflix?) 5 of 10 eps - I never managed to get hold of ep 5. Frankly, it’s going to Netflix (I don’t subscribe) so I might not finish this out of sheer laziness. 

The Hidden Moon (Sat WeTV) ep 1 of 10 - This is a supernatural romance (my ghost boyfriend trope) by Violet Rain (I Feel You Linger). A man is hired to write an article about an old mansion in Chiang Mai being converted into a café. He sees the ghosts of people who died at the mansion, falls in love with one of them. Was substantially recast. I loved IFYLITA except the ending so I think I'll let this one run it's course you can tell me if it's work tracking down... if they managed to land it. I have my doubts.

Gangster and His Boyfriend (Korea ????) 8 eps? - was supposed to air 10/10 Kim Dong Bin (famous trainee & idol reality competitor, yeah that happens) stars as a fallen idol who unexpectedly becomes entangled in a gangster family. Discovers that his friend’s father is responsible for the murder of his entire family years ago. I don't know much about this one, neither does anyone else and I'm not sure where I got that release date so……

Next Week Looks Like This:

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

Still Coming Oct 2024:

10/17 Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo (Korea Thurs Gaga) 8 eps - High school student Do Hoe lives with his violent and brutal father who runs a Taekwondo gym in a rural area. One day, cheerful Ju Young arrives, he dreams of going to college for Taekwondo. Joy begins to fill Do Hoe's dark life. An unexpected incident forces them apart, they reunite ten years later.

10/21 Love in the Big City (Korea ????) 8 eps - Okay, this is both a movie (already out) and a series. Neither one is likely BL and I can't imagine it will end happily. I'm giving both a pass but here's your synopsis.

Cynical fun loving student Young pinballs from home, to class, to on night stands. He and Jaehee, his female besie and roommate, frequent nearby bars where they push away their worries about life, love, and money with soju and hookups.

10/23 See Your Love (Taiwan Weds Gaga & Viki) 10 eps? - Zi Xiong, a third-generation heir, attempting to flee from taking over their family business, meets and falls in love with Shao Peng, who works as a hearing-impaired nurse. From the same production house as Kiseki Dear To Me in partnership with Shinehouse Theatre, funded by Taiwan’s BIGART + Japan's Rakuten (Viki). Show includes Lin Chia Yo (Be Loved in House: I Do). Director Chiang Ping Chen’s childhood experiences with his deaf uncle have inspired the drama.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Addicted Heroin

Incidentally he didn’t ask to “be with Ter” he asked if he could flirt/court him. jeeb doesn’t really have a direct translation, but it isn’t “be with.” 

Fourever You

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs

Sigh, Tumblr in its infinite wisdom doesn't like too many at-ings.

[mamaladeskies]

Shutline is Nasty Business

I happened upon Shutline the animation by chance as I was surfing an unnamed website for the next thing to watch when the poster of Jake and Shin caught my eye.

Tell me, how could I pass this? Look at their shadow!

I pressed play immediately, expecting a buddy cop show because I didn't read the description -- descriptions are for the weak, plus this is as adventurous as I get. What I did not expect was the low budget animation and the nastiness (compliment)!

Yoh, I'll be honest, I was about to dip and skip this anime because the characters look like paper-people with a voice actor slapped on top, and frankly after reading the manhwa, I stand by it.

But! The moment the show started to linger on Shin's features, I had to find out where this was going. I'm talking like precious seconds dedicated to Shin's ass.

I was not disappointed. Shortly after, Shin was on his knees paying homage to Jake's glorious manhood. This is fancy speak for Shin was giving Jake a bj in public.

My eyes were nearly watering in disbelief! I don't think I've seen something this mature in animation, to be fair though I don't watch a lot of anime. The closest thing may be Citrus but it was not this mature. Citrus was mainly sensual with lots of kissing and it had a semblance of a plot. Shutline's plot did not make sense, so while I kept watching for the mature content I was also trying to understand what the hell was going on.

At the end of 5 episodes each 5 or 6 minutes long, I was thoroughly confused. It made sense that the next course of action was reading the manhwa.

I finished Vol 1 in a matter of hours, it's that good. The manhwa caters fully to my tastes: two masculine men, grey characters who are well developed, no declaration of love, instead their actions communicate it, an interesting action driven plot, slow burn, no heteronormativity, and aged-up characters who are actually mature.

The drawings were also really good; those of the characters, I especially love how Shin looks, and the background as well. It's obvious the author is not cutting corners.

Something else I need to commend is how the author was able to communicate their sexual tension in drawing. There's a scene where Jake goes to visit Shin at the garage and then we get these panels of Shin's muscular build and Jake being discreetly hot and bothered. The fact that Jake could get turned on by Shin's armpit... I'm in awe.

In girl love (gl) mangas that I've read when the author has panels focused on the women's intimate parts like boobs, sometimes I'm like, what was the reason! Because the woman might only be doing mundane stuff like reading with no love interest in site to warrant such close ups. Thanks to Shutline I've seen the potential of such close ups.

Which brings me to something else; the sex has greater purpose! When the characters had sex within the first several episodes I was sure I'd soon get bored if the story was stuffed full with them and do thorough skimming, but I was wholly satisfied to find that they're purposeful.

For one, yes it helps take their relationship to the next level -- one sex scene shows us how Jake is pushing his boundaries for Shin. And two, it's advancing the plot -- in Vol 2 Shin and Jake have a discussion that determines where the plot goes next while having sex. In this particular scene we also get to see Shin trick Jake which was interesting, finally my boy gets a point against Jake.

A nitpick I have is how Jake reminds me of Wilson Fisk from Into the Spiderverse, both Fisk and Jake fill the screen/panel and they both like black suits. I swear I am not reaching, I just can't unsee it.

I don't think I have a major critique of the manhwa yet. As for the animation; it's very obvious important back stories were cut so that you need to have read the manhwa to get it, what's majorly left is the mature scenes. This makes me think that the animation might be fan service. It is not a bad thing, but I definitely stand by the fact that the story itself is so good it deserves better.

This reddit user says that Shutline has the potential to rival KinnPorsche and I have to agree, but only if done well.

[cerisahh]

arcane season two act three spoilers

(just me wordvomiting)

i’m so happy that in at least one reality silco, vander and benzo get their happy ending.

i cannot even put into words the emotions i felt as soon as silco came on screen i had to pause and pace my room for three minutes before i could even continue. he literally😭😭got a happy ending😭😭😭 he looks so healthy too oh what i would give for an arcane ‘what if’ series

i mean we got a ‘what if’ vi died in jayce’s lab = no hextech, vander and silco rekindled bromance, no jinx, CANON TIMEBOMB, mylo and claggor are alive, and zaun and piltover are practically best friends

what if silco had taken in vi instead of powder/ powder gets taken by marcus instead of vi?? what if viktor mentored jinx?? what if neither silco or vander died?? WHAT IF THEY NEVER FOUGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE????

i need to consume written pieces of alternate!silco oh the fluff 😣 i can feel it already this is just perfect slice of life/married au material let me be your housewife silco i’ll do anything

i’m ngl the ending? did not care for it. i did not care for it, was it a good ending? no i actually dont think so. this season could have been 30 episodes long and id have sat my ass down and watched all 30 twice through… NINE rushed episode and u felt it was rushed too

NO MENTION NOT EVEN A WHISPER OF ISHA? HO DIED AND NOT EVEN A SCRIBBLED HALLUCINATION OF HER? NAAAAH!

THE ORIANNA OMFHDH i NO LIE started wojacking and looking at a fake camera see image below

THATS WHAT I DID I WAS SO GEEKED OMG

i also started crying on episode 7 whenever it would cut from ekko and powder to jayce literally sobbing because he looked like a hobo stop cutting away from timebomb

speaking of jayce… let’s talk viktor!! where did his vi-nis go?? nobody knows.. every time he said glorious revolution i geeked and cringed at the same time DONT GET ME FUCKING STARTED ON SKY “i’ll miss our conversations”… “no u won’t” YEAH NO HE WONT UR BORING 😭😭 actual snooze fest why was she even in his mushroom trip lucidity void fuckfest states oeuuhh im pissed

jayce haters feel really stupid now though huh🤣🤣🤣

circling back to silco jinx hallucinating h. stop. jinx hallucinating him and him not even digging into her he was COMFORTING HER. i can’t even . i can’t . i just cant. i need him.

and now it’s OVER?? no no no this can’t be.. no no.. NOOO!!!! i better see a steady stream of silco fanfics OMG I HAVENT EVEN SPOKEN ABOUT SEVIKA YET

bro her getting a fucking POSITION ON THE COUNCIL was peak my woman DESERVES a happy ending. she was always loyal to zaun and her people and seeing her get to be in that position just yes. so good (im kind of pissed that we got a caitvi sex scene - if you can call it that they just fondled each other - instead of sevika scissoring at a brothel, ok dpmo).

don’t think i forgot about maddie yew stewpid bitch… HER GOOFY LITTLE CHEST BANG LMFAOO then she got shot #DESERVED #WHATHAPPENSTOGINGERSINARCANE

not even going to write anything on mel because although her little storyline was cool to watch i didn’t fucking get it ☠️ ambessa was hot until her untimely end though. lost a muscle mommy today raise your flags

and to summarise!

jinx: probably alive let’s be honest, gone to find herself a girlfriend (lux)

vi: alive and happy with caitlyn

caitlyn: alive and happy with vi

ekko: alive, misses powder (jinx? both)

mel: alive, now has superpowers which is sick, still gorgeous but stuck with that awful black outfit i hated it so badly

jayce and viktor: transported to a doomed yaoi novella after saving runeterra (very sad)

isha: dead?? they never showed us a body but let’s all be real and not lie she is most probably dead. here’s to holding out hope though, maybe she’s ziggs!

ambessa: dead dead dead “you are the wolf” thank you motherrr 😝

sevika: ALIVE!!! got her happy ending YIPPEE!

vi’s bro dude i forgot his name: death by a million arrows RIP

hot firelight bat dude: AAAALIVEEEE!

hot enforcer fish dude: AHHHHLIVEEEE!

maddie: DEAD TRAITOR TRAITOR DIE DIE DEAD

heimerdinger: pretty sure he got zapped out of existence but he’s lived a long time so not that huge of a blow. rip little bro though

and for my own peace of mind and mental wellness

powder: ALIVE AND HAPPY

ekko: ALIVE AND HAPPY

silco: ALIVE AND HAPPY

vander: ALIVE AND HAPPY

benzo: ALIVE AND HAPPY

claggor: ALIVE AND HAPPY he took ozempic too holy damn!

milo: ALIVE AND HAPPY worlds worst mustache though

vi: AL- oh not here. that’s fine i guess

[cassiefromhell]

Bats and Fire 04

"The Calendar Situation"

Last time on bats and fire... 01 02 03

a/n: it turns out that i have bad writing motivation and love bouncing between projects, lol (also you can blame late updates on my current bg3 phase and jjk hyperfixation). so expect BAF 1-2x monthly. once again, i am very open to suggestions/themes for future chapters/episodes, so leave them in comments or my inbox!! and my requests are always open <3 enjoy!

warnings: smut, mdni/18+. p in v, oral (f receiving) morning sex, character watches while y/n is eaten out, interruptions, slight overstimulation, etc...

wc: 3.4k

Things were thoroughly out of hand.

Your mates were incapable of not fighting over every single second of your free time. And that turned into tug of war games where you get the lovely privilege of being the rope, and you know what you also weren’t getting? 

Sex.

You had not had sex in two weeks.

But you have five mates? How’s that possible?

Because you are almost never left alone with any of them long enough to get someone’s shirt off, nevermind a hand in your pants.

And a girl will get fed up after a while.

But luckily, on your first expedition after your cycle ended, you found the perfect solution…

You stumble into the old shop, wiping your dirtied hands off on your pants. The scent of magic immediately hits your nose, and you bite your tongue to distract yourself from it.

“You look like you’ve been to hell and back,” the female behind the counter says, her sunken gray eyes tracing over your tattered clothing.

You clear your throat, approaching the counter. “Do you carry any blade polish, or leather cleaner?”

She pauses, then opens and closes her mouth. “Say… are you the hunter that our mayor is paying to clear our woods of those damned Puca?”

“How could you tell?”

“I had a feeling.”

The female hobbles her way around the counter, and leads you to the left. She opens a cabinet door, and pulls out two glass containers, one with a clear liquid and the other a slight brown. She hands them both to you. “Your polish and cleanser.”

“Thank you,” you say, turning to head back to the counter. But something shimmers in the corner of your eye, and you pause, turning to face it.

It’s a pile of calendars, the edges glimmering with the sparkle of spells. But who would need a magical calendar? 

“Eyeing the Mrythat Calendar?” the shopkeeper asks, coming up beside you. “No one ever buys ‘em.”

“What do they do?” you ask, reaching out to take one and examine it.

“You buy a few, sign ‘em with blood, and then they’re connected to you. Write something on one, it appears on all the others. Useless, if you ask me, but a merchant came through ‘ere with an offer I couldn’t refuse,” she explains, then starts back towards the counter.

You take six of the magical calendars, tucking them under your arm.

“You’re sure ‘bout that, hon?” the female raises a brow at you. “Don’t know what you’d use ‘em for.”

“You don’t even know,” you grin, dropping the calendars on the counter. “You don’t even know.”

The next time you were at each of your mates’ residences, you spread the calendars. Of course, you happened to be with Azriel and Cassian in the House of Wind next, so you got to work...

The sound of the hammer nailing the calendar into the wall echoes down the hall. You step back, satisfied, admiring the shimmering calendar mounted over the soft blue paint.

Cassian rounds the corner, slacks hanging low on his waist, rubbing his eyes. “Love… what’cha doing at four a.m…?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” you beam up him, gesturing to the glorious calendar — the solution to all of your problems. “Too excited. Look at it!”

“That’s… that's nice, love,” Cassian mutters, walking up behind you and putting his hands on your waist. “But let’s go back to bed, hmm?”

“No, no,” you gesture to the calendar once more. “I’ve gotta explain to you both how this works— hey— Azriel! Azriel, are you up?”

In response, a shadow comes to your side, winding around your leg.

You frown. “Did your master send you?”

The shadow tightens its grip.

“Is he just avoiding getting up?”

Even tighter.

You huff, poking Cassian’s shoulder. “Go get Azzie. This is important. And now I know he’s awake.”

The Illyrian nods and trudges off, cursing under his breath and running a hand over his face.

You almost feel a little bad, but then you’re distracted by your calendar again.

You did research on how these work. They were invented specifically for managing one person’s schedule, like a boss giving them to his employees to find time for meetings with them. Whoever’s schedule was being managed, just had to mark the calendar with a bloody fingerprint, and then all the calendars they marked would sync up. 

You grin, sticking your thumb into your mouth and piercing the skin, then you press it to the back of one of the pages. Instantly, the calendar glows, and then stops, but when you flip it to the current month, you find that it’s been filled in with all of your missions and plans — the magic has even sorted out what days you’re in which court, with which mates.

You grin maniacally.

Shadows slide around the corner, and out come your two Illyrian mates, bleary-eyed and wings damn near dragging.

You grin and clap your hands, pointing at the calendar. “Lookit! Look at what I did!”

“What did you do?” Azriel asks, coming to stand at your side and placing a hand on your lower back. It’s obvious that he’s trying his hardest to sound interested.

“Cass, c’mere,” you grin, tugging him to your other side. “Okay, okay, so, how this works. I have six of these calendars. They’re all enchanted, and they’ll soon all be connected to me by blood. When someone marks one, the others get the same marking, and I simply have to think it in order to add something. Each of my mates will get one, and so my schedule can be fairly organized.”

Cassian nods slowly. “Okay… but I thought normal scheduling was working fine.”

You bark a laugh. “No, no, no. You all are rather fond of interrupting each other’s dates and alone time, claiming to have ‘forgotten’ that I was already scheduled. This fixes that.”

“I do not,” Azriel grumbles, wings twitching.

“Well, see, the main inspiration here was my sex life,” you explain, perfectly calm as both your mates’ eyebrows shoot up. “I haven’t had actual sex in a week and a half, did you both know that?”

Cassian narrows his eyes. “No, no— how is that possible?”

You point to last Friday on the calendar, when you were marked to be on a date with Rhys. “Look, here; at this time, I was on the riverbank of the Sidra, about to be fucked against a tree, until Cassian came in and stayed for the rest of the date— and was completely oblivious to the mood and the arousal drenching the air.” You point to two days ago, when you were supposed to be sleeping at Eris’s palace. “At eleven p.m. that night, I was fully prepared to be ravished and yet Lucien needed me for something. And that’s not an issue, right, because two is better than one! But no, Eris and Lucien refuse to be naked in the same room at the same time.”

“…I see why you want the calendar,” Azriel murmurs, walking away and coming back with a pen and approaching the calendar. 

“What are you doing?” Cassian asks, tilting his head to the side.

“We’re the first ones to have this, right?” Azriel looks at you, and you nod in confirmation. “We have all the empty slots. I’m filling them all in with me.”

Cassian blanches, and then steps forward, promptly shoving Azriel to the side and stealing the pen. “Give me that! You can’t take all the slots!”

“You were just too slow,” Azriel grumbles, gesturing to the calendar, which is now half-filled with dates… all with Azriel.

You snort, and then turn on your heel, heading back down the hall. “I’m going back to bed. Whose bed am I getting in?”

“Mine,” they both say at the same time, and you can feel the glare they give each other. 

You grin, and turn the corner, knowing one — or both — of them is bound to come running after you.

All goes well with your visit to Rhysand, and he was very happy with his new calendar. However, things get a little bumpy when you’re at the Autumn Court…

“Fuck—” you whimper, gripping Lucien’s hair as his tongue works at your clit, fingers pumping in and out of you steadily. You’ve already come twice, and he’s damn close to working you up to a third.

The bliss is nearly lighting you on fire, legs shaking as you finally approach that cliff again, climbing higher and higher and—

“Cum for me,” Lucien murmurs against your clit, the vibrations nearly tipping you over the edge. He looks up at you with those eyes from between your legs, and you whimper as you reach that—

A knock comes on the door.

Lucien pauses, and you whimper, desperately bucking your hips into his hand and lips.

“Shit, what time is it?” he asks, sitting up and looking at the clock, mouth glistening with your slick. 

“Lucien,” you grit out, “please.”

“Times up,” a familiar voice calls from behind the door. “Your slot is only from seven to eight, I have her for the full night from eight p.m. to sunrise.”

You hiss in frustration, gently tugging at Lucien’s hair. “Ignore him.”

Eris slips into the bond immediately. Ignore me?

Eris, give me five minutes. Please.

That’s not what the calendar says.

Does it sound like I give a shit about what the calendar says? You growl down the bond, frustration only building.

Lucien has obediently gone back to working your cunt, sliding two fingers back in. His mouth latches around your clit immediately, and the wondrous sensations start to build up again.

Two minutes later, Eris is speaking down the bond again.

I’d have already gotten you off by now.

Your only reply is an audible whine, surely loud enough for Eris to hear on the other side of the door.

And clearly he does hear it, because he’s winnowed to your side within seconds.

“Add a finger, it’ll make her come faster,” Eris idly comments, taking a seat next to you on the bed. “And harder. That’s important.”

You’re now completely naked and vulnerable in a room with two fully clothed males. Because apparently you’re the only one getting their clothes taken off today.

“What are you—”

“Shush,” Eris hushes you with a gentle kiss, stroking a hand down the center of your torso, rubbing circles on the sensitive skin of your belly. “Let us take care of you.”

Before you can reply, his head dips down to your left nipple, licking a circle around it. His thumb runs circles around your other breast, all while Lucien increases his pace.

With very little warning, your climax creeps up on you, pleasure suddenly spiking. You cry out, gripping Eris’s shoulder for support as you tip over the edge, stars and flames filling your vision as the waves of your orgasm crash over you again and again and again and—

“What does that make?” Eris asks, stroking your hair.

“Three,” replies Lucien, who is gently rubbing circles over your clit, coaxing you through the last waves of pleasure with gentle kisses along your thighs.

The High Lord clicks his tongue. “That won’t do. She needs at least five, else apparently she’ll get needy at an ungodly hour.”

You try to protest. “Will not—”

He stops you with a quirked brow. “Two weeks ago. You woke me up before sunrise by humping me. Like a puppy in heat.”

You open your mouth, and then close it. He’s right. You did do that. But he looked so damn sexy like that, features relaxed and mouth parted and—

Lucien licks a stripe up your folds, and all your thoughts screech to a halt.

“Love,” Rhysand whispers in your ear, pressing kisses over your cheek and hair. “Love, time to get up.”

You blink awake, squinting in the early morning light. “Mm... what time is it?”

“Seven,” he murmurs, slipping his hands up and under the shirt you’re wearing — his shirt — and rubbing your skin.

You groan. “Cass isn’t picking me up ‘till seven-thirty. Why’d you wake me?”

“Because I was thinking we could squeeze a little something in,” Rhys kisses your neck, pressing his hips to yours, letting you feel his bulge beneath his pants. “If you so please.”

Your heart skips a beat, and you bite your lip. You run your hand down his chest, finding his bulge and palming him through his pants. “Needy, are we?”

“Please,” he groans, rutting against your hand once, twice, then pressing more kisses across your collarbones.

You smirk and nod, spreading your legs for him. His reaction is instant, making quick work of your panties and discarding his pants. 

He presses a finger into your entrance slowly, hissing as it comes back soaked. “Fuck. So wet for me, love.”

You tilt your hips up for him, and he strokes himself twice, then slowly slides in, stretching you wide. You whimper, gripping his shoulders and chewing your lip to stay quiet. “Fuck…”

Rhys picks up a slow pace, gentle and loving as the kisses he’s pressing along your collar and neck. He rubs your hips in time with his thrusts, each time hitting just a little deeper, each push a little more pleasurable than the last.

“Please,” you moan, desperate for more, deeper, harder, faster… and he doesn’t give it to you.

He presses a chaste kiss to your lips, shaking his head. “Impatient little thing. It’s bright and early, and you want to have the shit fucked out of you?”

You nod, and he merely chuckles. The sound is low and deep and effectively makes you even wetter around him. 

He pulls out, and you open your mouth to whine, but he sweeps you up into his arms, picking you up out of the bed. Before you know it, your bare back is against a wall, and he’s entered you once more, this angle deeper than before.

He picks up a bruising pace immediately, and you moan, capturing his lips in yours to swallow both of your noises. You can’t help but tilt your hips with each thrust, desperately matching his pace as that coil in your abdomen begins to grow tauter.

“Fuck— fuckfuckfuckk—” you hiss against his mouth, clutching at his biceps, his neck, his shoulders — anything to ground you as you’re pulled higher and higher.

“I’ve got you, love,” he groans, slamming into you harder, brushing that spot so deep inside of you—

You come immediately, clenching around him and squeezing your eyes shut, moaning loudly as the pleasure drags you down, down, nearly into unconsciousness as your thighs cramp. Rhys has to hold you up to keep you from falling out of his arms, and he follows you with three sharp thrusts and a low growl, spilling into you.

He kisses you, gently, and you run your hands through his hair, rolling your hips against his once. 

“God, I love you,” you murmur, between gasps for air.

“I love you too, darling. I love waking up to you next to me,” he murmurs back, nosing your neck. “I love fucking you first thing in the morning.”

“Round two?” You run a hand down his abdomen, licking your lips. You can’t help it; you want to taste him.

He grins deviously, opening his mouth to reply — but then footsteps sound down the hall, accompanied with what is obviously Cassian whistling. He’s definitely giving you a warning that he’s coming — he could be quieter than that.

“Fuck,” you grumble. “Just a sec.”

Cassian, you speak down the bond. Not done here. Give me half an hour. 

What? No. He whines, but his footsteps halt. I’m scheduled to pick you up at seven thirty. It’s my time.

I’m aware. The schedule isn’t supposed to be exact. You guys seem to have an issue with that.

…Isn’t exact reserved time the point of the schedule?

You sigh, shaking your head. “Change of plans. I’m calling a mates’ meeting.”

Half an hour later, all of your mates are gathered at Rhys’s dining table, their calendars sitting in front of them. You sit at the head of the table, decidedly unhappy…

“Alright,” Azriel starts, leaning forward on his elbows. “I’ll break the ice. What’s got you upset, love?”

“What do you think has me upset?” you grit out, glaring over at him.

Azriel suppresses a flinch, leaning back in his seat.

“I’m assuming it has to do with the calendar?” Eris says, gesturing to the calendars in front of them all. 

“Uh huh. And why, exactly, did I enact the calendar rule?”

There’s a short pause, and then Lucien responds. “To organize your schedule?”

“Because you wanted more sex,” Cassian corrects him, rubbing his chin. Lucien, Eris, and Rhys whip their heads to look at him, having not been there for that conversation. “But hasn’t that succeeded?”

“More sex, yes. But short sex. Painfully short. You know why? Because I start having sex with one of you. We do the deed. I want more. You want more. Then what happens? Knock knock, someone else comes along and refuses to give up precious time from their slot.”

Cassian looks down and away, making a face. Eris doesn’t look pleased either.

“You guys,” you sigh. “The calendar is flexible. You can deal with having half an hour taken off of your slots. It’s supposed to be a guide, not a strict schedule.”

The males before you begrudgingly grumble in agreement, and you gesture to the calendars. 

“Okay, thank you. Now that that’s understood, it’s time to schedule next month’s times. Please open your calendars,” you instruct, opening your own. Everybody follows your lead, so you continue. “I’ve marked in all the slots available, and when I’ll be gone. I have two missions next month; a dragon study and a job for the Winter court clearing out a pair of Banshees. The dragon study I have to do alone, but one of you can tag along on the clearing.”

Azriel immediately reaches for a pen, but not before Eris has already winnowed one into his hand, already writing his name.

“Ah!” you hiss, grabbing Eris’s wrist. “We’re drawing sticks.” 

Eris snarls at you on pure instinct, then his face goes slack. “Sorry, sorry— I didn’t mean to—”

Immediately, your four other mates are up out of their seats, teeth bared and ready to attack Eris.

“Dear mother,” you groan. “It was instinct. Everybody down.”

Everyone sits. 

“That’s the other thing,” you sigh, waving your hand to winnow in a cup with five sticks in it, all marked with a name. “You all need to work on the hostility. I know it’s difficult. But mistakes will be made, fights will be had, and instinct is instinct.”

Lucien mumbles a ‘sorry’ to Eris, and the rest follow, some less apologetic than others.

You carry on with the meeting, and you draw sticks, deciding the order of who gets to pick first. Cassian, much to his joy, gets first, then Azriel, then Lucien, followed by Rhysand, and in dead last — which you’d bet money was influenced by someone’s magic — is a very salty Eris.

Nevertheless, the dates are set, and you dismiss everyone—

“Hold on,” Azriel cuts in, holding up a finger. “There was a prearranged date with Rhys on here. Why only him?”

“Because he’s set to meet my parents,” the words fly out of your mouth before you realize what you’re saying, and you immediately clamp your jaw shut.

Damn your mouth.

All five heads turn to look at you, shocked faces adorning all but one — Rhys, who knew about this and didn’t question it.

“Why only him?” Eris asks, raising a brow. 

“I want to meet your parents!” Cassian pouts, leaning forward against the table.

“I do as well,” Lucien adds, scratching the back of his neck.

“Agreed,” Azriel finishes. “I’m free that time. We could just all meet them at once.”

Agreement runs through the circle, leaving you opening and closing your mouth.

Because there’s one issue.

One little, tiny issue…

“Cauldron boil me,” Eris murmurs, slowly leaning back in his seat. “They don’t know you have more than one mate, do they?”

Ah, yes.

That.

To be continued…

tags: @awoa1 @llovelydove @bookishbroadwaybish @maddietheshoe @eerievixen @ghostofnightcrawlerpast @cleverzonkwombatsludge @hyemishii @caro-lightwood-blog @the-sweet-psycho @myheartfollower @bubybubsters @luvmoo @foreverrandomwritings @ummmmmchillanywaysso @spongehappy @fell-in-luvs

comment to be added to the tag list!

(not tagged? either tumblr was a jerk, you changed your username, or i missed your comment! go ahead and ask again, and I'll make sure you're on there.)

[officialjanetweiss]

List 8 tv shows for your followers to get to know you.

Tagged by @nero-neptune

OOPS I was tagged in this like a year ago and am just getting around to posting it 😅 I’m the queen of starting these and then saving them to my drafts to finish later and then just abandoning them. ANYWAY

(I, too, am giving a lil blurb for each one bc I love to talk)

Desperate Housewives

I started watching it a couple weeks ago finished it in the spring and I love one (1) republican. I am now slowly thrifting all of the seasons on DVD

My mom watched it when it first aired and I never sat down and joined her but I remember catching glimpses. As an adult I knew I would love it before I even started and I was right! It has WOMEN. It’s outrageous. It’s hilarious. It’s addicting. The theme song is glorious!! Almost every episode title is a reference to a Sondheim song!!! It has (mostly) aged surprisingly well. And in general it just reminds me of a time before streaming when TV was…different. Idk how to put it into words but first of all, remember when shows had 20+ episodes per season? Never forget what they took from us.

Glee

IYKYK. Any “old” songs I know I know because of either Glee or Rockband. Jayma Mays was my awakening. It introduced me to Rocky Horror and many other musicals. It got me into media literacy/critique and was the first show that I anticipated every single week and the first show I gave up on before it ended. I could go on for ages but you just had to be there (my tumblr from 2012-2015).

Passions

I watched this with my mom as a little kid and am slowly rewatching now. Soap operas are a staple on her side of the family and Passions is the only one I ever got into, because I was like 4 and there was ✨magic✨. As an adult I’m not even really into fantasy but in this case it works for me bc it’s so balls to the wall insane. I definitely don’t think I could get into it today if it weren’t for the childhood nostalgia. It ran for almost 10 years, which is not long considering some soaps are still kicking after 50 or 60. But at 2,231 episodes it’s a LOT if you’re not used to the slow pacing of the soap opera format. It’s so special to me though. I have cat and baby names picked out bc of characters on this show. AND THE THEME SONG!!

Soap

My all time fave. For 10 years I have run the only tumblr blog dedicated to Soap. It’s hilarious and touching and was ahead of its time. Susan Harris is a genius. Fleabag falling in love with a priest? Susan Harris did it first. That lady on Days of Our Lives being possessed? Susan Harris did it first. Who shot JR? Susan Harris did it first. The Golden Girls sitting at a table eating dessert and talking about sex? Susan Harris did that but she also did it BEFORE SHE DID IT. I’ve rewatched this show so many times and there are still scenes that make me laugh out loud. I would die for Jessica Tate. Bury me with the boxset.

That Girl

Just started watching this (in real time, not a year ago) and it’s just so fun!! Marlo Thomas is a cutie. Her wardrobe is unreal. I’ve laughed out loud quite a few times. She has great chemistry with the leading man whose actor’s name I shan’t bother to look up. I feel like I started watching it at the perfect time in my life too.

Ann Marie 🤝🏼 Cute little aspiring actresses who just moved out on their own to the big city and don’t have sex 🤝🏼 Me

Trial & Error

Came for Jayma, stayed for everything. Last year I watched Arrested Development for the first time and if you like that show I think you’ll like Trial & Error. Mockumentary style, wacky characters, great running gags. It was gone too soon and I’m still waiting for a season 2 DVD release.

Out of the Box

Here’s a throwback bc who am I if I don’t put a kids show on the list? I loved this show when I was little. It’s so underrated. I showed it to my current babysitting kids when I first started watching them and they love it too :,) Watching it as an adult makes me so emotional idk why. It warms my heart. If I were to ever become a preschool teacher I would make the babies sing the ending song at their graduation and make their parents cryyyy. If you have little guys in your life you should show it to them. It’s on Disney + (eewwww) but there might be episodes on youtube too.

Instead of blabbing about an 8th show here are some runner ups that I’ve enjoyed over the years, some of which I think are v underrated: Tuca & Bertie, Girlfriends, Mum (BBC, not to be confused with Mom, which I also enjoy), Fleabag, Go On, Jane the Virgin, Wonderfalls, Masters of Sex (might be due for a rewatch of that one), The Fosters (fuck them kids tho), Pushing Daisies, One Mississippi

I tag @lifesizehysteria @cakesexuality @sic-transit-gloria-mea and you can do it again @nero-neptune, I know you have more shows to talk about.

[lunar-years]

I've given a ton of thought in the past to the fact that after Jamie came over to apologise and thank Keeley for helping him in 1.08, and Keeley invited him in for sex unexpectedly, that from his POV he really might have thought they were getting back together. To get confirmation that he was thinking that, in contrast with Keeley telling Roy she fucked Jamie to get back at him for saying he was busy for one evening, due to her own insecurities... god, heartbreaking. The more we learn about Jamie and Keeley, the more it is apparent how serious their relationship was before the break up, the more their break up really hurts to think about. Not saying he was perfect and innocent, but from Jamie's POV, for Jamie to have been dumped by someone he deeply loved for a last straw reason he effectively didn't understand (on a night where he was out of sorts due to his discomfort with being sold for sex, and mocked for thinking so) then immediately befriended and supported by his beloved ex, making an effort when visiting London to go and thank/apologise to her for always helping him with no ulterior motive and for her to accept the apology then invite him in for sex, to keep in touch with her as a friend to the point he felt he could go over to her place to talk to her about his troubling feelings in the season 1 finale, only to find Roy there- Roy the person who had been mocking him along with Keeley the night Jamie got dumped.

He is genuinely not unreasonable to have thought he and Keeley might get back together and not even that unreasonable to think she was dating Roy to mess with him. I feel so fucking sad for him.

oh yes anon 100% to all of this. I think it makes total sense for the character that Jamie thought Keeley was playing mind games on him with Roy at that time in his life. And even if it didn't come as a shock to me once I'd thought it over, I was still like, OH. & then very sad about it!

I think that Jamie and Keeley dated for at least as long as Roy and Keeley dated. They were clearly established in s1, even if they were never exactly "stable."

I also think there's a general tendency to overlook Keeley (& Roy's) own bad actions and poor behavior in s1 because everyone loves/d Roy/Keeley together and "Jamie was a dick anyway" and it's like, yeah he was. But all three of them were a mess and so far from the best versions of themselves. Roy & Keeley's behavior at the gala is pretty reprehensible, and obviously it's worse in hindsight with the information we have now about Jamie (which Roy & Keeley were obviously not aware of at the time), but the scene has always been uncomfortable and the two of them were very much in the wrong. Keeley's accountability speech is all well and good, but she does then turn around and proceed to very much not be accountable to Jamie in using him to piss him off Roy. And Roy is just, Roy, with the same insecurities holding him back and making things worse for himself and the other people around him (which is why I'm really surprised by how many people feel he was ooc this episode. The same stuff immediately stirred up for him when it came back to the Jamie/ Keeley of it all).

They've all come so far, but they still have a lot of backlog between them they've never waddled through. There have been soooo many crossed wires and miscommunications between these three. And it always comes back around to the three of them, doesn't it? It is so messy (and for me, glorious) and I want them to sit down and hash it all out and maybe cry a little and then definitely kiss a little. You know.

[onekisstotakewithme]

Top 10 West Wing episodes

top 10?? ough. (can we tell i'm just really indecisive and bad at narrowing down what I love)

disclaimer: not in ranked order, not comprehensive, etc etc. I'm trying not to feel pressured to just pick the "best" and most high quality episodes, but list the ones I enjoy.

Take Out the Trash Day. This is just such a quintessential West Wing to me. Tell me you don't have a question about the pens, and I was raised on Julia Child... their legacies are safe in my hands and the whole thing with the Lydells... it's so fun but also has heart and captures the very essence of the show to me.

The Stackhouse Filibuster. As a MASH girlie first, the Dear Dad framing device is used impeccably. This episode is a love letter to the power of government and politicians for good, as well as just a cracking good story. That whole last bit about "I've seen a man with no legs keep standing, and a man with no voice keep shouting, and if politics bring out the worst in people, maybe people bring out the best". (I just wrote that down from memory).

Galileo. I also mentioned this one in my "best of CJ" roundup, but this is another one that is just it for me. Love space travel, the "I'm great in bed!", the drama with the green beans. Also hilarious that for an episode on space, the guy who play Tad Whitney ends up playing Werner Von Braun in For All Mankind like two decades later. Sam and Mallory too! Sam's speech about explorers! what's not to loveeee.

Institutional Memory. This one. has. EVERYTHING. Soft domestic openers. Everyone recognizing (at last) that CJ has been doing her most to run this WH. MR CJ CREGG. I want us to talk because I like the sound of your voice. Will running for Congress. I've seen it probably a dozen times and it's never gotten old. i could write ESSAYS on this one. Again: MR CJ CREGG.

Two Cathedrals. So like. Obviously the whole MS reveal arc is everything to me, but Two Cathedrals is the S2 GOAT. The "Brothers in Arms" sequence. Young Dolores Landingham played to perfection. The church monologue. Watch this. Watch this. Then God, Jed, I don't even wanna know you. Perfect cap to a PERFECT arc.

Guns Not Butter. The internet could never convince me that this is a mediocre episode. The foreign aid stuff alone is crazy making. but also the goat. "Did the first lady get you drunk and take you shopping?" Donna being her best, sneakiest self to help Josh (as a side note, this episode was what made me ship Josh and Donna -> "and we'll steal the rest?" / "Bet your ass."). Charlie and the food stamps letter. Leo threatening to hide snakes in CJ's car. And the pinnacle: CJ shoving an egg roll in Danny's mouth (they had sex there btw).

Duck and Cover. Season 7 as a whole is actually pretty good, even if I would've loved a little more focus on the west wing and not the campaign (just a bit more balance is all I'm asking). but Duck & Cover is kind of some of the best writing in the season, and it's probably my favourite s7 episode that has nothing to do with CJ and Danny. Tautly written, the fallout (lol) over both campaigns and the White House, and consequences that will continue through the rest of the season. Plus a JK Simmons appearance!

Posse Comitatus. Once again including this as the culmination of an entire arc. Simon and CJ have the most sizzling chemistry, and that's a big part of why this arc works for me, but it's not just their plot that makes me love this episode. The hallelujah stuff is in fact killer though, like peak television. Jed deciding whether or not to go through with his plans, the first appearance of Ritchie... if you're wondering, 'crime, boy i don't know' is when I decided to kick your ass. And then... the crowning achievement of the episode is the final montage -> what's happening on stage juxtaposed with what's happening in Bermuda, and through it all, the lyrics "and victorious in war shall be made glorious in peace." One of the best season finales not named Two Cathedrals.

He Shall, From Time to Time... There was simply no way, no way this was being left off my top 10 list (there were some painful cuts but this was staying). THEE MS reveal episode. All because Aaron wanted a scene with Jed watching daytime TV. The State of the Union. Sam and Mallory. The CJ/Danny kiss. Reframing "the era of big government is over." Abbey and Jed! (This is probably my favourite JedAbbey episode tbh). And then scene between Leo and Jed where they talk about the MS is unbeatable.

The Short List. This is another quintessential West Wing Episode (TM) for me. You've got a major political moment (announcing a Supreme Court justice) on top of the personal (the drug thing). The introduction of Danny and Josh's friendship. Mendoza. Leo's history. And most importantly... Gail the goldfish. (Which I believe TB has said was his favourite scene he did with Allison, as it rightfully should be).

Drought Conditions. I know I said top 10 but hear me out. This was season 6 returning to the strengths of the early seasons, helmed by Debora Cahn (of The Supremes and Institutional Memory, among other TWW classics). The campaigns returning to the White House, the Rafferty bait-and-switch. The friendships. The return of Cliff Calley. The gala at the end! (I have a soft spot for Kate and Will, so that didn't hurt). It's just SUCH a good episode all around.

Honourable mentions go to:

The State Dinner, The two Inaugurations (snowball fight, "what is it you'd do exactly to have me", etc), The Stormy Present (Former presidents! Toby singing suicide is painless!), Internal Displacement (Men are like salmon), most of season 1, King Corn, and 2162 Votes...

[rockislandadultreads]

Goodreads Choice Awards 2023: Best Humor

Winner: Being Henry by Henry Winkler

Henry Winkler, launched into prominence by his role as “The Fonz” in the beloved Happy Days, has transcended the role that made him who he is. Brilliant, funny, and widely-regarded as the nicest man in Hollywood (though he would be the first to tell you that it’s simply not the case, he’s really just grateful to be here), Henry shares in this achingly vulnerable memoir the disheartening truth of his childhood, the difficulties of a life with severe dyslexia, the pressures of a role that takes on a life of its own, and the path forward once your wildest dream seems behind you.

Since the glorious era of Happy Days fame, Henry has endeared himself to a new generation with roles in such adored shows as Arrested Development, Parks and Recreation, and Barry, where he’s revealed himself as an actor with immense depth and pathos, a departure from the period of his life when he was so distinctly typecast as The Fonz, he could hardly find work.

Filled with profound heart, charm, and self-deprecating humor, Being Henry is a memoir about so much more than a life in Hollywood and the curse of stardom. It is a meaningful testament to the power of sharing truth and kindness and of finding fulfillment within yourself.

Nominee: Leslie F*cking Jones by Leslie Jones

Hey you guys, it’s Leslie. I’m excited to share my story with you.

Now, I’m gonna be honest: Some of the details might be vague because a b*tch is fifty-five and she’s smoked a ton of weed. But while bits might be a touch hazy, I can promise you the underlying truth is REAL. Whether I’m talking about my childhood growing up in the South, my early stand-up days driving from gig to gig through the darkest parts of our country and praying I wouldn’t get murdered, what Chris Rock told Lorne Michaels, that time I wanted to shoot Whoopi Goldberg on SNL, and yeah, I’ll tell you all about Ghostbusters and the nudes and Supermarket Sweep and The Daily Show . . . I’m sharing it all in these pages. It’s not easy being a woman in comedy, especially when you’re a tall-*ss Black woman with a trumpet voice. I have to fight so that no one takes me for granted, and no one takes advantage. These are the stories that explain why. (Cue the Law & Order theme.)

Nominee: Sure, I'll Join Your Cult by Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford is a comedian’s comedian (an outsider among outsiders) and has forever fought to find a place to belong. From struggling with an eating disorder as a child of the 1980s, to navigating a career in the arts (and medical debt and psychiatric institutionalization), she has tried just about every method possible to not only be a part of the world, but to want to be a part of it.

In Bamford’s signature voice, Sure, I’ll Join Your Cult, brings us on a quest to participate in something. With sincerity and transparency, she recounts every anonymous fellowship she has joined (including but not limited to: Debtors Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and Overeaters Anonymous), every hypomanic episode (from worrying about selling out under capitalism to enforcing union rules on her Netflix TV show set to protect her health), and every easy 1-to-3-step recipe for fudge in between.

Singular and inimitable, Bamford’s memoir explores what it means to keep going, and to be a member of society (or any group she’s invited to) despite not being very good at it. In turn, she hopes to transform isolating experiences into comedy that will make you feel less alone (without turning into a cult following).

Nominee: Quietly Hostile by Samantha Irby

The success of Irby's career has taken her to new heights. She fields calls with job offers from Hollywood and walks the red carpet with the iconic ladies of Sex and the City. Finally, she has made it. But, behind all that new-found glam, Irby is just trying to keep her life together as she always had.

Her teeth are poisoning her from inside her mouth, and her diarrhea is back. She gets turned away from a restaurant for wearing ugly clothes, she goes to therapy and tries out Lexapro, gets healed with Reiki, explores the power of crystals, and becomes addicted to QVC. Making light of herself as she takes us on an outrageously funny tour of all the details that make up a true portrait of her life, Irby is once again the relatable, uproarious tonic we all need.

[tryan-a-bex]

Hob hadn’t really thought about it before that weird episode with the aliens who considered him the only adult human. He’d always kind of assumed that his new experiences were overwriting the old ones in his brain (he couldn’t remember everything, now could he? That would be a totally different super power). But now he was wondering. Was his brain more wrinkly than average? Did he have more neutral connections? Were they stronger? Maybe more patterned or something like that? Too bad he was never going to put himself in the hands of a mad scientist (too tempting for them to keep him or cut him apart to study him, he knew what humans were like, he was one).

No, an MRI was out of the question. But perhaps there was someone around who could see into his head.

“Duck,” he began, the next time he was cuddling post-coitally with Dream, “can you see my brain?”

“What? No! Why would you ask that?” Dream exclaimed.

“Well, I was just thinking. If brains gain wrinkles as you get older and learn things, does that mean mine is extra wrinkly?” Hob snuggled in closer as Dream began to rub his fingers through his sex tousled hair.

“Let me tell you a story,” Dream began, in his story-telling voice. (Hob had been ecstatic the first time he heard this voice, the first time Dream told him a story rather than the other way around.) “Once there was a woman who was trained to weave the most glorious tapestries. Every year, she would lay the groundwork and begin to weave and embroider the story she wanted to tell. But every winter the worms would come out each night and make holes in her work. She tried to patch the holes, but by spring the tapestry would be so full of holes that she couldn’t keep up, and she would have to abandon it. Every spring she started anew.

Then one year, she started using a new cream from the apothecary to care for her hands. She loved the smell, but apparently the worms did not. They went elsewhere, and she was finally able to weave in peace. She worked the whole winter on her tapestry, and in the spring, she continued to expand and decorate it. Finally, her vision was beginning to take shape.

For ten years, she worked on the tapestry, and at the end of ten years, it was complete in its final glory. People came from all over to marvel at its beauty and enjoy the story it told.

One day, the Prince of Stories himself came to visit the tapestry. He had recently been in a difficult situation, and his sister had suggested that he might find rest and joy in the beauty of the tapestry’s story. He was sceptical, remembering only the weaver’s early attempts.

When the Prince approached the tapestry, he was struck by its beauty and sat down in wonderment to take in its story. It was the story of a man, a very ordinary man, who made very ordinary choices out of first self preservation and then later greed. But this man continued on his journey and figured out that the best way to improve his own life was to uplift his community, and indeed, eventually, all of humanity. And so in his selfishness and greed, he became the kindest and wisest of men.

And the Prince of Stories wept, for here was the answer to his own story as well. His relief need not come at the expense of others, but indeed, as he prioritized his own recovery in a wise manner, all of those under his protection would benefit as well.” Dream stopped, letting the story go, into the unconscious collective of humanity.

“Oh, love,” Hob responded, curling his arms more tightly around Dream and calling him back to himself. “Always.”

Hob Gadling must have the most wrinkly brain

[aki-shun]

Part II

Jack an Leona is here!!!

I'm so sorry for this episode being late but DA DAA is here :D

Warning: HUMAN

⚡️Sebek ZIGVOLT⚡️

You can't be thinking this guy is bottom of a HUMAN

A HUMAN(!)

Nah

He's not

He's TOP

Everytime

And you can't change it

First of all, it's a miracle you're even dating this guy

How did you convince him?!

This boy totally hates you

Because you are a HUMAN

And that's enough for him to hate you

But you keep bothering him

You do your best to make him go out with you

You're trying even though he's always rejecting you

He secretly likes it but can't admit it

Tsundere boy 2

HUMAN, if you really love me and you want to date, PROVE IT!

Valley of Thorns is a bit old-fashioned, I guess

Valley of thorns in the virginity and having a relationship are important and sacred, I guess..

So he will want it with you

No problem for him

Even if he doesn't admit it, he likes you too and wants to have sex with you

'Cause when that happens you won't be able to break up with him even if you wanted to

Having a relationship with someone you love is sacred and if you get involved with someone, you can no longer break up with them

You were in your dorm room

Sebek hadn't even gotten out of the shower yet

!Please clean before intercourse. This is important for the health of both you and your partner!

You're so excited because you barely made eye contact with Sebek, let alone a date

But now you're gonna have sex with him

Lucky Boy~

:)

Sebek got out of the shower and approached you

Damn he was so sexy with his hair down

And that wet body from years of training

Fuck it, you're glorious

You already had a slight blush on your face

He took lubricant from the nightstand and poured it on his hands and fingers

After he poured enough, he stuck two fingers in your hole.

You shivered, the coldness of the lubricant and Sebek's thick(?) fingers disturbed you, but you did not give in

You tried to suppress his moans as his fingers sheared your insides

Because Grim was sleeping in the room and the ghosts could hear you and come

You didn't want two possibilities so you were covering your mouth with one hand

After Sebek finished prepping you, he poured some of the lubricant on his own cock

You could see that he was looking at you with serious and cold eyes when he looked at his face, but the redness on his cheeks and ears was enough to tell how he was feeling

He got into you in a way that wasn't very slow and gentle

A deep moan escaped your throat

Then Sebek's cock twitched inside you and you felt it

The Sebek bed began to slide into you at a speed that wouldn't make much of a noise

As time progressed, Sebek's movements and pace began to become more rigid

The more he increased his speed, the harder it was to suppress his moans

Sebek turned you around and buried your face in the pillow and lifted your ass in the air

(for the reader who didn't understand the positions and showered me with questions at six in the morning: dog position)

Sebek squeezed your hips, pushing himself harder on you

Your drool and tears soiled your pillow

Your moans were absorbed by your pillow, but they were loud enough for Sebek to hear

As Sebek neared the climax, he was pushing himself harder and faster at you

The harder Sebek pressed herself against you, the more your hole and your walls clung to him

Sebek leaned over you, resting his chest on your back

With his mouth close to your left ear and he said

I see you love me, enough to you get fucked by me, HUMAN. Look how your goddamn hole is wrapping my cock. Are you ready to be under me forever?

He was saying this in your ear in a contemptuous tone

Your face was still buried in the pillow

Then Sebek straightened up and slapped your ass hard

You ejaculated with this hard hit and all your cum spilled on the sheets

A sharp scream came out of your mouth

Enough to wake grim and the ghosts

But they didn't wake up or come

Lucky~ one wink

Sebek leans over you again

I asked you a question, HUMAN. There's a half-fairy in front of you, now answer my question.

You nodded, your body still shaking from the sudden discharge

Then Sebek started to move harder with a smug grin

Pressing himself in the deepest

All the cum was pouring into your inside

A HUMAN like you should be grateful to be accepted by me.

But you were grateful to god that Grim or the ghosts didn't wake up :)

I'll post the article for Ruggie later because I'll write it as both top and bottom.

[umnitsa]

The Wolf and the Hare

Wow, first fic in 20 years and I really hope you like it! <3 Because it may turn into a series xD

Summary: Sometimes, Alexei is quiet.

A/N: IN THIS HOUSE WE LOVE BIG, STRONG, BURLY MEN CAPABLE OF IMMENSE VIOLENCE SHOWING SOFTNESS. So, yeah. Also: I LOVE Nu Pogodi <3 If you like, feel free to leave me asks and messages.

Pairing: Alexei x afab!Reader (I really tried to make it gender neutral, but I don't really think I achieved it, sadly)

CW: Immobilization, smothering, HUGS, sex. Minors, please go away <3

************

You knew Alexei had spent some time in prison, but nothing had prepared you for how touch-starved he was. He always had a hand on your skin, holding your hand, touching your shoulder, resting his big hand on your knee whenever he was with you (it wasn't that often, sadly).

You got used to his warmth, to his loud and obnoxious presence.

But sometimes, he laid in bed quietly, resting his head on your chest, hugging you as a pillow, pressing his face against your skin as you played with his hair and traced the tattoos on his shoulders with your fingertips.

Today was one of these days.

Alexei sighed softly under your attention, pressing his whole face against your skin. You could feel his warm breath slowly tickling you, his hands sliding and squeezing your flesh. He was so big it seemed he was everywhere. You raised a leg, wrapping it around his midsection.

“Zayats…” He hummed, muffled by your skin. “This feels so good I forget who I am. You're so warm, so soft. So beautiful.” His hand moved to pet your leg, gently sliding up your thigh and squeezing your ass.

You liked the nickname. Hare. It came from an old soviet cartoon; you even watched the episodes together on YouTube, laughter shaking his body as the Hare foiled every single Wolf's plan to capture it.

The nickname talked more about how he saw himself than how he saw you; if you're the Hare, he's the Wolf. The Hare was intelligent, sweet, a positive, gentle hero (or heroine, no one was really sure). The Wolf…. The Wolf was a hooligan. Unruly, eagerly turning to vandalism, breaking laws, and violence, he strutted on the streets, cigarette dangling from his snout. Despite his talents and best efforts, the Wolf failed to catch (and eat) the Hare, ending every episode with a threatening howl. ‘Well, just you wait!’ the character screamed.

The first time you watched the cartoon, he gently touched your laptop's screen over the Wolf, telling you he used to wear bell bottoms and smoke a long, long time ago.

You didn't have the heart to tell him you thought the Wolf was adorable, with his long hair and protruding belly. Capable of immense, glorious feats, he allowed himself to wallow in his basic desires, just like Alexei.

“What are you thinking?” You heard him ask and looked down to find his blue eyes directed at you, his chin still touching your chest.

“Volk,” you said softly, playing with his long hair, then scratching his beard. He chuckled low, his body shaking softly. “I want to see you dressed like a sailor, just like the Wolf. Some day.”

Alexei laughed, muffling his laughter on your skin, creating a trail of kisses as he moved to change positions. You thought he would turn over, pull you over him and crush you against his chest, as he often did, but he buried his face in your neck, kissing, licking, and nipping. His fingers played with your nipple gently.

“Well, Zayats, just you wait.” He growled into your ear; it made you shiver, eyes fluttering close. He moved, parting your legs and positioning himself between them, taking a brief moment to ensure you were wet enough to receive him.

Alexei would usually take sometime to prepare you, but when he looked up, into your eyes, you could see his need. He couldn't wait. You didn’t feel you could wait either.

But he was gentle, teasing you with the tip of his cock, before pressing into you. It felt like he would split you in half for a brief moment. He kissed you, gently rocking against your body until his cock completely entered you.

Alexei looked into your eyes as he waited for you to be more comfortable, while petting your hair. You sighed, and he placed some of the weight of his body over you, smothering you in a hug.

He moved slowly, alternating between kissing you and looking you into your eyes. It was if the world had melted, and only you two existed. You wanted him to move faster, but you couldn’t move, you couldn’t spur Alexei, so you whined, looking at him with big, pleading eyes.

“Now, now…” He shushed you softly, nuzzling your cheek. One of his hands moved against your hair, the other held your hips in place. “Patience, my little Hare.”

Alexei looked at you with the most adoring expression; he didn’t change the rhythm, just waited patiently until the sensation mounted and you started moaning, bucking against him. He just kept watching your face, eyebrows raised in expectation, waiting for the dam of your orgasm to break. You gasped, as if all the air came out of your lungs at once.

It didn’t take much after that. You came, immobilized under his body, grabbing his arms and shoulders, your nails on his skin. Alexei came just from watching you unravel, then moved to lay on his back, pulling you half on top of him.

You kissed his chest, now your turn to look up adoringly.

“You’re better than the Wolf in the cartoon, Alexei.” You whispered, as you kissed his chest gently.

“Hm? How so?” He looked down, placing a hand behind his head.

“You caught your Hare.”

“Damn right.” His laughter echoed through your apartment, and everything went back to normal.

[grilledcheeseandguavajelly]

I will never be over the fact that we didn’t get to see Mildred and Gwen’s first time, and here’s why:

This entire series, we have been building to this moment, and they didn’t show us??

I know it’s not /about/ her budding lesbianism. I KNOW it’s not. However. It kind of really is?? We’re in the room when she tries to shove it down by having sex with a man. We’re in the room when she is battling with the treatment she’s giving those women. We are in the room when she tells Gwen that she has feelings for her. We are in the room when she confesses that she is a lesbian to Huck. We are in the room when she tells Gwen that she loves her. For their first kiss. And then it just magically hops forward a month and they’re casually making out in bed and that’s great. Don’t get me wrong. That’s /great/ and I will never complain about lesbian content. But this entire show we have been following this journey. And while it isn’t the main plot of the show, it is ONE of the main plots. And it runs under EVERYTHING, constantly. So to time jump right over this huge moment?? Everything was building to /this/ and they cut it right out. See, here’s the thing— If you’re not going to show me the first time she has sex with a woman, don’t show me the two sex scenes she has with a man. I don’t need something explicit (although if I have to watch her lower herself down on a man I feel like it’s only fair) but I just need that MOMENT. The one where she decides that she is ready. Because she tells Gwen, plain and simple, I have feelings for you but I need to take this at my own pace. So SHOW ME her pace. Because now I have too many questions. Did they fuck right after their first kiss?? They had the whole house to themselves. Or did they wait? Did Mildred say she wasn’t ready? Or did Gwen make them stop so that she didn’t push her? To me, that first time is a CRUCIAL point in their relationship. Show me Gwen trying to slow her down. Show me Mildred saying no, pulling Gwen’s fingers to her mouth, sliding them down between her legs. Show me that glorious moment of consent when Gwen’s brow pushes up and she whispers “Millie...” and Mildred NODS and Gwen absolutely devours her. I want to see all of it. I want closure to their story. Something that leads me along the path /the creators/ set out and doesn’t pull giant pieces of the road out from under me on the way. Again, they don’t even have to be explicit. Just them making their way to the bedroom and Gwen pushing Mildred down on the bed and crawling over her while they kiss. Or Mildred slowly unbuttoning her shirt while Gwen sits on the bed. Or ANYTHING. Just show me the INTENT to sleep together that first time. I just need to know when it happened and who cut that final line and said it was okay, and what actually happened in Mildred’s mind. Was it too much too fast? Was it like the puppet show where she pushed herself to make Gwendolyn happy? I want that moment when she realizes that being with a man was just as wrong as she always felt it was, where Gwendolyn spoils her and pampers her and makes her feel safe and warm and loved. I mean— we had some pretty harsh sex scenes with her and a man. Show me her realizing how different it could be. How incredible it is supposed to be. How loved she feels. I WANT TO WEEP, OKAY? Don’t get me wrong, they’ve given us great opportunity to write fanfiction and take it in our own directions, but I finished the show and there was still this... hollow space in me that felt incomplete. I followed this woman’s journey for eight episodes, the back and forth, the on and off, the struggling... and I had better not be missing this crucial moment because someone somewhere thought it would hurt their ratings, because so help me. I am so sick. And tired. Of lesbians being cropped out of media to make straight people comfortable. If this sex scene is on the cutting room floor, I request it kindly at my doorstep by tomorrow morning, Mr. Murphy. And if not... well then shame on the writers for not understanding the importance of THIS moment for THESE characters. Because then that means that they don’t understand or care about the characters like they should, and that absolutely breaks my heart.

[arabian-bloodstream]

You know what I’m mad at the sex scene again. I’ve seen so many takes from rhae x alicent shippers making comparisons of alicent with viserys and it’s pissing me off bc low key her face did not look satisfied. I’m sorry guys but the actor could have done better. Rhae even had a better sex scene with cole. If they wanted to portray pleasure they should’ve have made it more clear. I don’t want to make it Emma’s fault but they do hate the ship so I wouldn’t be surprised if that was their intention. I love them but seriously that look was not it.. maybe it was the director’s fault but I can’t get over it and now that it’s done there’s so many anti shippers using it for their advantage saying she’s a victim of grooming so she felt like she wanted it blah blah blah. Ugh sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much about this ship and sorry for ranting bc I really don’t care if people have other ships but most of them love to shit on daemrya so yes I’m mostly upset because even though we win we really haven’t. If this many people are thinking she looked unsatisfied maybe we’re only lying to ourselves ☹️

I disagree so completely. And this blog will NOT stand for Emma D'Arcy slander. They are an AMAZING actress. PeriodT!

ETA: As @kylo-renperor pointed out, Emma doesn’t hate the ship. They have cheered it on. They called their wedding magical. Emma said that Daemon healed Rhaenyra and gave her strength. Their very pro-Daemon. They’ve also said other pro-Daemyra things. It’s just that anything that can be taken as even remotely negative is more click-baity so all headlines grab that stuff.

Rhaenyra did not look bored. She did not have dead eyes. Her hand was curved possessively around Daemon’s neck, her fingers entangled in the strands of his hair. That look on her face was one of deep satiation, of ownership, of a roaring 'fuck you' to the gods that he was hers now, she had claimed him.

I have watched that love scene countless times now and it only grows more powerful. The people who complain and see anything less than the glorious, achingly beautiful love scene that it was from beginning to end are those who aren't paying attention to the reality and logic of the story.

Those people wanted hot, hot, fast-paced, frantic, hungry, grasping, desperate sexytiems. They wanted a Daemon smiling devilishly. They wanted tits and ass. They wanted Rhaenyra gasping, moaning, going all over-the-top O-town. They wanted Rhaenyra smiling like the cat who ate the canary in that final shot

However, if we had gotten all of that it would have just been about sex. Like the Rhaenyra/Cole scene. It would have been just about Rhaenyra’s pleasure. Just like the Rhaenyra/Cole scene.

Instead what we got was a love scene that was about two people connecting. Two people finding themselves again in each other. Two people finding home in each other. It was about two people revealing themselves to each other. It was about fragility, vulnerability, openness, need, want, trust, desire, and love. It was about two souls that were two halves finally uniting again, but it was a delicate dance because what if... what if... something happened yet again to keep things from reaching their conclusion?

And that look on Rhaenyra’s face? It was defiance against all who had held her down, held her back, kept her from her true self. Because she had found her true self once again. In his arms. And no one and nothing would take that from her ever again.

To say that the Daemyra fanbase hasn’t won is just patently wrong.

Episode 1: Daemon first scene: With Rhaenyra. They speak in Valyrian together. He tells her to “turn around” in a sensual way, gives her a gift, says “beautiful” in Valyrian. The entire scene had major flirty vibes.

All throughout the tournament, Daemon and Rhaenyra are making eyes at each other. Even when he asks/gets the favor from Alicent (which he does solely to piss off Otto), he and Rhaenyra are making eyes at each other.

At Aemma’s funeral, it’s with Daemon that she shares a moment. Again, they speak Valyrian. He comforts her. He gives her the strength to call to Syrax to light the bodies aflame.

Episode 2: Rhaenyra confronts Daemon over the stolen egg, and the framing of the scene makes it appear as if it’s just the two of them on there despite the fact that his lover and armed guard is behind him, and Otto and his small army, and Syrax is behind her. They, again, speak Valyrian, have their little private conversation. Daemon was willing to go to bloodshed with Otto, but at a few challenging words and a smirk from Rhaenyra simply throws her the egg.

Episode 3: They don’t even have scenes together and yet they are paralleled heavily.

Episode 4: Rhaenyra is fingering the necklace he gave her while meeting potential suitors. Rhaenyra sees Daemon return and looks on at him flying home on Caraxes in joyous wonder. Rhaenyra tracks Daemon’s movements in the Red Keep’s main hall. Rhaenyra is giddy while talking to Daemon with Viserys/Alicent. When Daemon/Rhaenyra talk, he listens to her, she tells him her true feelings. He takes her out, we have some fun times, some sexy times. Later, Daemon tells Viserys that he wants Rhaenyra as she is, he wants to wed her.

Episode 5: Daemon kills his wife so that he can be with Rhaenyra. Goes to her wedding reception, throughout the whole thing, the two exchange glances non-stop. Have a heated conversation (in Valyrian) where she tells him to make him her wife. Daemon comes this close to doing so.

Episode 6: Again, no scenes together, again, heavily paralleled.

Episode 7: Rhaenyra tracks Daemon’s movements. Daemon smiles, flustered, giddy meeting Rhaenyra’s gaze. Heartfelt, open conversation. Kissing on the beach, beautiful, haunting, open, revealing, love scene. Daemon got her back when attacked in the Driftmark Hall. Rhaenyra proposes to Daemon. They work out a plan together so they can get married. Awesomely Old Valyria style wedding ceremony where they both look at peace, joyously, ridiculously happy.

Bur, yeah, we’re not winning. OK, then.

[starryevermore]

his ice queen ✧ jotun!loki laufeyson

angst city™ library | send in a request (consult request faqs first)

inspired by: this ask from @christowhore + this tiktok

pairing: jotun!loki laufeyson x fem!reader

summary: when aliens invade earth, you find yourself invaded by an alien. 

word count: 1,644

warnings?: 18+ MINORS DNI, smut, takes place during what if...? episode 7 but i change a few details (loki shows up at the party in vegas instead of the one in paris), unprotected sex, size kink, a bit of manhandling, not proofread

Sometimes, you really hated your job. But, that goes with most jobs, you supposed. It certainly was better than most things you could’ve been doing. You shuddered to think about It’s just...there was something particularly boring about spending so much time in the desert, tracking the demise of planet, trying to pinpoint what could possibly be causing it. At least Darcy was there, too. Her absurd sense of humor was the only thing that got you through the day, most of the time. 

Today though? God, you really, really, loved your job. 

You watched as Jane confronted the person responsible for the alien invasion—an admittedly handsome god named Thor. You could barely wrap your head around this whole thing. You’d always thought that there were worlds beyond our own, that there was life beyond that which lived on Earth. It made sense, and you knew it did, for there to be others in the universe. But for the myths to be real? For gods and monsters to walk the universe? 

Everything you thought you knew had changed in the blink of an eye, but tonight was only just beginning.

“And who might you be?”

You turned, trying to find the person who spoke to you. But when you looked, you were only met with a pair of legs. A pair of blue legs. A pair of blue legs attached to a very, very tall man. Was he a man? You supposed not. You craned your head back, trying to not fall, as you took in the huge man in front of you. He was taller than most trees, you were sure. 

You gulped. “Y/N.”

“Y/N,” he repeated. “Hmm...That’s not the name I was expecting.”

Your brows furrowed together. “Excuse me? What were you expecting my name to be?”

“Gorgeous,” he said, his lips lifting into a smirk. “But it doesn’t matter. What is it that your Shakespeare said? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet?”

“You know Shakespeare?”

“Personally,” he said. 

“Personally? You...oh.” You blinked slowly, trying to decide if you should dwell on that or move on. You finally decided to ask, “Can I know your name?”

He knelt down in front of you. In normal situations, with a normal man, you would’ve been offended that someone would make themselves smaller to talk to you. But, as he stared at you, his beautiful eyes raking over your body, you only felt an eruption of butterflies in the pit of your stomach. 

“I am Loki, of Jotunheim,” he said, his lips curling into a smirk. “And, I’ve been burdened with a glorious purpose.”

“And what’s that purpose?” you asked, trying not to melt as his deep voice still rung in your ears. 

“To show the gorgeous Midgardian in front of me a night she’ll never forget.”

You let yourself tear your eyes away from him for a moment. But, your methods of escape were occupied. Jane was dancing with Thor. Darcy was walking away with a talking duck. You could leave on your own but...God, for some reason, you really wanted to stay. 

So, against your better judgment, you said, “Give me everything you got, big boy.”

After all, Jane wasn’t the only one who could have a bit of fun. 

Which led you to the unfortunate situation of trying to find a place for you and Loki to have your fun. You weren’t entirely opposed to doing it out in the open, but part of you wanted to keep Loki to yourself, to not have the prying eyes of others take in your handsome frost giant. Besides, you were sure that you could still be arrested, and there was no real way to hide the fact you’d be fucking a giant in the middle of the street, was there?

You finally found a hotel that could potentially work. You’d told Loki to wait outside until you could find out if you could get a room or not, but he hadn’t listened, attempting to follow after you as you went through the rotating door. 

You rolled your eyes as you watched him, giggling to yourself, before marching up to the front desk. At least the worker would know you were serious instead of pulling her leg. 

“This is a weird question,” you asked, glancing between the worker at the front desk and Loki, who was trying to wedge his way in through the door, “but do you have any rooms that would accommodate someone roughly twelve feet tall?”

Her eyes widened as Loki finally managed to get into the lobby, standing to his full height. “Girl, I think you’re the one who’s gonna need accommodations. But, uh, I’ll see what I can do about that room.”

You should’ve been surprised there was a room that could actually work. You should’ve been worried that you quite literally spent your life savings on the presidential suite. You should’ve been running for the hills when you started thinking about how if Loki was twelve feet tall, that would mean his cock was likely going to be proportionate to his height and, regardless of how off those proportions were, it would certainly be the largest cock you’d ever seen. 

But, when his cold hands were on you, his thumbs pressing down on your nipples as he pulled you on top of him, every rational thought you had went out the window, free falling, before it shattered on the ground. You didn’t even care that the bed broke the moment he sat on it as he pulled you into his lap. 

“Tell me you want this,” he said, his head ducking forward, his lips capturing your own. You didn’t want to respond, all you wanted was to keep his mouth on you, to maybe climb a little higher, to see what that icy tongue felt like on your cunt. 

“Ruin me, please,” you whispered, your eyes fluttering open to look at him. “Do whatever you want with me.”

You were glad you had no sentimental attachment to your clothes as he ripped them from your body with ease. You’d worry about trying to find something to wear in the morning. For now, all you wanted was for your every thought to be clouded with him and only him. 

“You’re like a doll,” he groaned as he freed his cock from the little clothing he wore. You were sure your eyes bugged out of your head as you looked at the monstrous length. That...was the size of your thigh. No, that was longer than your thigh. “I could break you so easily.”

“Then break me,” you said, grinding against him. 

One of his hands left you, and you found yourself missing the coldness. But, as you watched him grip his cock as he guided you so that your cunt was lined up with the tip, excitement bubbled up in your belly. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Please, don’t make me beg,” you whimper, trying to wriggle out of his grip so that you could take matters into your hands, but he stopped you before you could even begin, holding you just where he wanted you. “Please.”

“But you beg so pretty.” His smirk grew. “Don’t worry. There will be plenty of time to beg. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll be begging me to stop.”

Before you could say any more, he was pushing the tip of his cock passed your slick folds, taking his sweet time in filling you.

“Oh god!” you cried out. Your pussy clenched down on him, and, god, you were sure you came on the spot. He’d barely even begun and you were already reeling, stars dotting the corners of your vision, tears pricking at your eyes. 

“Not God,” he said. “But I understand the confusion.”

“Please, gimme more!”

You tried to push down more, but he still held you where he wanted you, controlling you so easily. It was like he wasn’t even trying. That it all came so effortlessly to him. And, god, you were cumming so effortlessly, too.

“More?” he repeated, chuckling, the sound rumbling deep in his chest. “You haven’t even taken half of me yet.”

“Please, Loki, please,” you begged. “Want it all, want you to ruin me, want you to fill me up.”

“As you wish.”

His hips snapped up and you swore he split you in half. He gripped you with both hands now, pushing and pulling on your body, guiding you up and down as if you were a doll, using you to get himself off. You teetered close to the edge, gasping as he pushed you further and further until—

“I’m gonna cum!” you shouted. 

“Then cum,” he groaned, his eyes squeezing shut as he chased his own high.

You thought you knew what an orgasm was before. You thought you knew how it felt like. And if what you experienced before Loki was orgasmic, when you only had your hand and your vibrator, then this was euphoric. Every part of you felt like it was alight, like every nerve was on fire, like there was only you and Loki and pure, unbridled pleasure.

You could barely process Loki declaring that he was about to cum, or that when he did cum, that you had the prime opportunity to joke that he was so deep in you that you could taste his cum. 

You weren’t sure you could ever catch your breath as he pulled you off his cock, cradling you close to him. You weren’t sure you would ever be the same. You weren’t sure you ever wanted to be the same. 

“Be my queen,” he whispered, tugging your body close to his chest. 

And, without even beginning to think of the consequences of your answer, you whispered back, “I would love nothing more.”

[deliciouskeys]

001 for Butchlander and 002 for Homie, because I love to be obvious!

Tackling them out of order.

002 | Homelander

* How I feel about this character: 

I want to mush him and squeeze him and torture him and pet him and never let him out.

Oh and he’s a very interesting character and a joy to write. Somewhat as a result of the writer’s room, and somewhat as a result of Antony Starr’s acting.

* All the people I ship romantically with this character: 

I’m a whore, I will read him having sex with just about anyone, and I could make a case for him getting romantic with many characters on the show. Top romantic (heh loaded word) ships are Butchlander, Homewell, Maevlander, Starlander.

* My non-romantic OTP for this character: 

I honestly don’t know what this question means because all my ships are horny ones. But I wish we got more Black Noir being a father figure to him (I wish Noir had more to do in general before they decided to give him some background just before killing him off).

* My unpopular opinion about this character: 

Hmmmm. I’m a little afraid that if Kripke writes him a “redemption arc” in the show they’ll botch it with some incoherent drivel à la s3e8 so I’d almost rather they just didn’t.

* One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I have more than one.

I’d rather see him depowered and live than die at the end, somehow.

I would have liked to see more of him trying to parent Ryan with Becca around.

I kind of wish he hadn’t killed Stillwell but mostly because I thought she was a cool character.

I wish he hadn’t taken over Vought because that decreases the chance we’ll ever see him operate outside of it.

* my OTP:

Billy Butcher reprogramming HL with tough, but genuine, love. And sex, definitely lots of sex. [refer to section below for much more word vomit about them]

* my cross over ship:

Heh, I think Makima from Chainsaw Man has a nice parallel to the Homewell dynamic. I’d read Batman x HL, I feel like Batman could deal with his bullshit effectively.

* a headcanon fact:

Homelander prefers his sexual partner be strong and wield soft power over him.

============================

001 | Butchlander

* when I started shipping it if I did:

Because I was watching the show very rapidly, I didn’t start shipping it outright until S1E8, but if I had a week between each episode it probably would have materialized no later than E6.

* my thoughts:

Scorchingly, achingly hot. The show canon is stingy with their onscreen time together, but each scene they meet in is glorious. One of the reasons I’m willing to overlook the inconsistent writing in s3 is that they are ramping up the butchlander element in the show. I love that they have ended up sharing a child while both being utterly unequipped to parent. I don’t remember any other enemyslash pairing setting that up and it’s so damn fun.

* What makes me happy about them:

I like to imagine scenarios where their respective traumas and defects (I don’t think they’re “the same”, kripke) fit together in such a complementary way that they end up accidentally helping each other become a little more emotionally functional.

* What makes me sad about them:

One of them lost his wife because of the other and that is a hard wound to heal.

* things done in fanfic that annoys me:

I don’t like when Billy cries too much. I don’t like when writers go all out with Butcher’s cockney but it sounds like Dick van Dyke (easy to criticize, hard to adhere to this rule). I’m more tolerant of different HL characterizations because I think canon has shown us more variety from him in different scenarios, but I tend to enjoy it less when he’s written as a sadist monster with nary an indication of any other emotions.

* things I look for in fanfic:

Generally prefer Bottom the Homelander [not because he has a better ass, but] because the fic is more likely to characterize both of them in ways I find more IC. Generally like when they at least start out antagonistic and hating each other if it’s a multichapter. Love when there’s an element of coparenting Ryan involved. Love when it’s an E rated fuckfest because [I’m here for the porn canon won’t give us, and] they are both presented as characters with energetic libidos.

* Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: 

Honestly? I feel like they’re both likely to end up alone, because I feel bad for whoever ends up with them if they’re not a strong person. Billy with Maeve, as alluded to in the Maevlander post seems fine endgame to me. Butchie is a big fat nope for me, not only because of Annie but because it gives me incest vibes since he sees him as a younger brother. Billy with some strong woman like Rainer probably works. Homelander… needs someone who can spank him if he gets out line. If Victoria Neuman can become that person remains TBD.

* My happily ever after for them:

Haha, I’ll take almost any iteration where they end up together and parent Ryan. I’m intrigued by Billy getting upgraded with Compound V and how they’d keep from becoming a terrible powercouple of supe cunts. I’m intrigued by HL getting depowered and Billy having to rehab him into being a functional human being out of that mental wreckage. I’m intrigued by them staying as human x supe, with both of them having a weird love hate relationship with being involved with a “race” they generally looked down on.

* who is the big spoon/little spoon:

Billy is the big spoon. I will only entertain the thought of HL being the big spoon if it’s written in Russian for reasons I can’t quite fathom and must have something to do with early childhood traumas 😂

* what is their favorite non-sexual activity:

They are pretty different people in terms of pastimes in canon. I named enjoying the outdoors in another meme. I’d like to think they’d also both enjoy having (or aspiring toward having) a normal family life, raising a child as if they’re normal, well-adjusted adult men, doing normal domestic things. Emphasis on the as if.