#they became therapy for me tbh while I made them

[horiizonsstuff]

the knorr cubes 😠 knorr western,,, cuz my week was actually shit so ended up making them as free therapy @beumdi @bruhstation (they're forcing me to memorize medical terms 😠‼️)

Bonus thing I sent in my class gc to cope:

I stg the entire ep of James to the Rescue was James trying to flex on his boyfriend while Toby was like "BITCH U CANT DO IT 😠‼️ ASK ROCKY FOR HELP ALREADY 😠‼️‼️‼️‼️"

[ticklishraspberries]

hi

I read your post about your courage to talk about tickling in therapy. And that you are thinking about sharing bits of it with us. ❤️‍🩹 If you feel comfortable? Please, do so. I started therapy a while ago, but haven’t had the courage or mental unloading level to talk about this chapter, tbh.

Hello!! I'm gonna use your ask as the place to talk about this, so yes, I really hope this can possibly be helpful to you and others!! This is mostly going to be about dealing with shame surrounding tickling and sort of...why I think it became a kink for me? Trigger warnings for mentions of grooming, sexual abuse, and pornography.

So, I grew up with unrestricted internet access as a child. My parents had no idea how to deal with growing technology, and they really didn't understand how to put child safety features on or how to even check the history, so I could pretty much do whatever I wanted.

From a very young age, I started experiencing the feeling that I thought about tickling differently than other people, but there wasn't really shame about it, I just knew that it...mattered more to me than others? I would describe it as more of a fixation, and now as an adult who has been diagnosed with autism, I'd say it might have something to do with that.

As a very young child, I would look up things about tickling, and I was immediately met with fetish content. Back in the early 2000's, even fanfiction was mostly sexual. Harry Potter ticklefics were all, like, an underage Hermione being non-consensually tickled by magical plants, or Voldemort or Snape using it to torture Harry.

As an impressionable child, I began to internalize the idea that this likely innocent interest in tickling was a dark, perverted sexual deviance and developed a debilitating sense of shame towards it. It's why the word would make me cringe, why I stopped letting my family do it to me, why I would feel disgusted and embarrassed when it happened in shows and movies.

Recently, my partner, our mutual best friend, and I had this very deep talk about fetishes. We all have one that we are deeply ashamed of (obviously I'm not going to share theirs) and both of them have never judged me for a single second about tickling. Whenever it happened in media we were watching, my friend expressed not knowing how to handle it for my sake, because I would very clearly get uncomfortable.

He encouraged me to really think about why it made me uncomfortable, especially in a room with 2 of the only people in my life who would never judge me for it, and I decided to take his advice and really dwell on it.

There had been a reason that I had to bring it up in therapy previously, it's a long and frankly far too personal story to share, but I had really danced around what it was and my therapist ended up asking if she could guess what I was talking about, and she correctly guessed that it was tickling. My therapist is super chill and comfortable talking about literally anything with me, and she didn't make me feel judged at all. In fact, she was like, "I think a lot of people find that hot as like, foreplay at least!" and fully promised me that it was normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

Basically, with a mixture of self-reflection, discussing it in therapy, and talking about it with my partner and our friend, I have come to this conclusion: Being exposed to tickling as a sexual fetish at such a young age, as a child with no prior concept of what sex was or consent or anything, I was conditioned by pornography and inappropiate fanfiction/fanart the believe that there is something perverted and predatory about me liking tickling.

As someone with sexual trauma that was occurring around the same age that I discovered these things online, seeing the constant non-consensual and underage elements in these things made me see myself in the same light as people who were abusing me.

The ironic thing about this is, tickling is not inherently sexual to me, but I never let myself experience it platonically until very recently, because I was convinced I could not separate the sexual aspect from the innocent fixation. Tickling between myself and my platonic friends, or just playful/romantic tickling with my partner is also fun for me, and it doesn't turn me on. But I really struggled to acknowledge that these things could coexist, because I only ever saw the sexual side of it at the most impressionable age.

I have really bad intrusive thoughts, and a lot of self-esteem issues that make it very hard for me to trust myself and view myself in a positive way, so my mentally ill brain essentially convinced me that I was perverted, that I was a predator, etc. for simply...liking tickling. Even though logically I can understand that I am not a bad person, I don't want to non-consensually tickle people, I value consent, all of those important things, I felt like there was just something inherently wrong about liking it, and so, while I have preached being comfortable with it on this blog, I didn't even realize how deeply I have hated myself for years for it.

That is one reason why I think this blog and this community have been therapeutic for me, and why I still rarely write NSFW fanfiction. Tickling is a kink for me, yes, but I can fully separate when a situation is sexual or not. Recently, I have been able to start healing this. The friend I mentioned earlier knows how I feel about tickling and is still comfortable with it happening between us, which has really helped me begin to view it as a fun/safe/platonic thing again, and I'm getting way better at not getting uncomfortable when it happens in media.

My therapist has suggested doing some deeper work on this, but I kind of feel like I got to the bottom of the problem and am already feeling a lot better about it. However, I'm sure it will come up again.

I just wanted to share this because I always said talking about tickling in therapy would be my worst nightmare, that I would never do it, etc. and it ended up being a really positive experience that has made me so much more comfortable in myself and liking tickling.

I hope this could be insightful or helpful to some of you!! Thanks if you read this far.

[mimez-meme]

My angst present mic headcanons🤭

In reality he Overthinks and is a rlly anxious person

Tried therapy, didn’t help. Hates therapy now.

Has a deadbeat dad and mummy issues and he has barely any contact with them but occasionally visits his mum and gets messages from an “unknown number” (his dad) which he ignores because he knows it’s him, and he refuses to talk to him

He hates his quirk mostly but sometimes loves it cuz it can be used for fun things and he likes being his loud self but ever since Oboros death he’s had a dislike for it and believed he’s only made for villain work because of his quirk

Beacuse he’s use to hiding in all his emotions when he cries he gets confused and doesnt know what he’s feeling, he tells himself to stop being so weak and to ‘man up’

Has eye bags but his glasses hide them and he kinda hates his eye bags cuz every time he looks in the mirror he just gets reminded of the nightmares he gets and that’s why he has those eye bags (and from overworking)

(Before he found out about kurogiri)He went to Oboros grave every Sunday if he can with aizawa occasionally , if it’s just him he would sing this song oboro and him made up as a joke and always apologise for “killing him” but even after he found out about yk he still does that to remind himself what it was like before he knew about it cuz it’s all still overwhelming (now that he’s officially dead again, he goes to his grave to beg for forgiveness and to apologise because he believes oboro hates him now since his last words to him were dead threats)

He’s wrote songs about how he feels, no one has heard these songs, it’s just for his ears, writing songs about how he feels kinda became a comfort thing.

Struggles to answer the question “who are you?” Cuz tbh he doesn’t even know himself

Sometimes has hallucinations of something bad happening to aizawa or of oboro

He knows he’s annoying and shota finds it hard to put up with his personality sometimes, so he distances himself when he feels like he’s being too much and apologises

Finds it hard to believe when someone says “I love you” ether romantic or platonic or when anyone compliments him

Was bullied in school for a short while

After finding out who turned oboro into kurogiri (the doctor) he’s had a hatred for doctors cuz everytime he sees one he just gets flashbacks to Oboro and he hates it. (Kinda same with aizawa)

His drinking problems got bad again after s6-s7

He’s trained himself to not cry due to being told to not cry beacuse if he cries he’ll hurt those around him growing up, and so he fears he’ll hurt people if he were to cry and he just doesn’t want to seem weak or for anyone to worry.

Tends to not eat if he’s stressed, not in a good mood or sad. He tries to break the habit but it’s hard, people who know about the habit (who are very few like nemuri, aizawa and toshi.) try and get him to eat when they know he’s stressed ect but it’s hard to do so, sometimes he throws up when given food

Headphones are the things that seems to give him comfort, he’s grew up with headphones, grew up with music being his comfort, he cannot go anywhere without headphones or AirPods if he doesn’t bring them everything will just become overwhelming.

He hears Oboros voice sometimes telling him stuff mostly negative. Like “you killed me.” “I hate you” ect ect.

[not-poignant]

Im really sorry if this is too personal please ignore me if it is but i saw your post just at the right time and im just, im struggling in my twenties at the thought of possibly having did right now. And you say you "used to", can i ask how you healed?

A lot of therapy, anon.

It does tend to show up in someone's 20s, and I went the path of Internal Family Systems Therapy (also known as IFS or IFST) which is extremely useful alongside the three C's (Compassion, Communication, Co-Consciousness).

I wasn't aiming to eliminate any alters, and anyone who wanted to stay as a separate alter could, but I taught myself through the help of other/s to be self-compassionate, to open up opportunities and methods for communication (which also included art, writing, journalling, etc. in fact the very first tumblr that 'I' ever made was actually made by an alter, and was originally called artforartists - it's now renamed and run by 'me' because Dani has absorbed back into the system, but you can still go to the earliest entries and see her in them.

It took a few years and I didn't rush things. The main thing to know is that while it feels extreme, it usually comes about as a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation, and it usually becomes very manageable with self-compassion (to all yourselves), impartial judgement, open communication, compromise (i.e. if you have an alter that wants to play video games 24/7 to the point that you're losing weeks of memory, find out small areas of compromise where they can be given something in exchange for something), and sharing consciousness where possible (co-consciousness).

It's very scary at first but imho for me personally, it has been the 'easiest' of all of my diagnosed disorders to deal with. I still have severe treatment-resistant depression and I still have severe treatment-resistant PTSD/C-PTSD, but my DID went into remission after about 4 targeted years of therapy. It's now DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) which means I don't have the symptoms enough to qualify for DID anymore, but I still have a system prone to dissociation / derealisation / depersonalisation and I have days where some alters are fronting a bit more than the central self, but I usually just use it as a sign that I'm really stressed and overwhelmed, rather than a sign that there's something wrong with me.

I'm extremely zen about it, tbh. And look, I didn't have the goal of 'absorbing' my alters (or them dying or w/e), I didn't set out with the idea of getting rid of it so much as learning how to live with different people who have different opinions about things in my head. But through the course of IFST and giving everyone a voice, that started to happen anyway. Healing doesn't always mean 'getting rid of alters' it mostly just means getting a handle on the memory loss (which is the most severe part of the disorder for me) and the polarisation so that it becomes regular dissonance and not so distressing it causes someone to switch. A person can be fully healed from DID and still have alters that front, if there's co-consciousness and communication for example. This was actually what I was aiming for, it just didn't end up being my outcome.

You may not be able to access therapy or IFST, and it can be hard to find DID-friendly therapists who know what they're doing, but you can actually look up and explore IFST on places like Instagram and in books like No Bad Parts and start doing the work gently already. (IFST isn't just or only for DID patients, but it is uniquely very well suited to them).

It can be very scary at first, anon, to think you might have this. Because it's a highly stigmatised and misunderstood disorder. At its root it can be understood as 'a child who didn't understand how to cope with something, at the time of personality formation, just developed a new personality to deal with it. But as a result of this, their brain got so good at developing new personalities that it became a maladapted coping strategy, and as an adult they can learn ways to cope that aren't splitting, switching, or losing memory with compassion and self-understanding.'

And honestly we all have a lot of maladapted coping mechanisms and the whole journey of life is learning to unpack them, and repack some healthier coping mechanisms into the lunchbox. And that's really about it. Still very scary and upsetting to go through, but also not a mysterious, "insane" thing. <3333 If you can reach out for help, please consider it, but otherwise do look into IFST. I started working on those strategies long before I found a suitable therapist and I honestly feel like just the mindset of radical self-acceptance and self-compromise and self-compassion was - while extremely hard to do often - the key for me, and some of those things will at the very least be helpful for you.

[citrenecult]

Heket headcanons? Or more NariLamb ones!

Can the Lamb cook

Heket

-Heket is really strong. She may look like a fat frog but under that fat is muscle and she can definitely throw a hard punch. Is skilled in hand-to-hand combat and doesn’t like using weapons all that much.

-She was the first sibling Shamura adopted and definitely missed the days where it was only them two. She does love her brothers but sometimes she longs for Shamura’s undivided attention.

-I mean we all agree that Heket gives off lesbian vibes right?

-She had a great voice for singing and wrote many lullabies for her brothers when they were still babies. She also enjoyed playing the lute and it would often accompany her songs.

-She is a patron for children, though that was not always the case. It took her a long time warm up to the idea of other siblings but once she grew to love them she dedicated Anura to being a safe haven for mortal children. She defiantly has a soft spot for them, as they reminder her of simpler times when her brothers were still babies and toddlers. Though that does not stop her from having an occasional child sacrifice from time to time.

-Believes in the fat. Fat is a compliment. Be chubby and be proud!

-Is into fashion and has an extensive wardrobe. Likes fluffy or silky scarves and gloves and wearing jewelry. Kallamar often steals borrows her clothes and never gives them back, much to her dismay.

-After Narinder’s betrayal she became emotionally distant from the rest of her siblings. She may not have had the best relationship with Narinder before hand but him turning his back on their family hurt her more than she ever thought it would. Becoming distant gave her comfort in thinking that, should something happen to her siblings , it wouldn’t hurt as much. This made the bond between the bishops fragile and fighting was becoming commonplace. It didn’t matter much, as her devastation over Leshy’s death hurt just as much if not more than Narinder's betrayal.

-Heket became Shamura’s caretaker after they suffered their head injury and took up the mantle of head of the Old Faith in their stead even though she was not in the right state of mind to do so.

-She blamed herself for Leshy’s death. She was still grieving for him even while fighting the Lamb and while her emotions made her more lethal they also made her accident-prone, resulting in her loss and death.

NariLamb

tbh completely honest I ship them more platonically than romantically but I’ll try to provide headcanons that work for both

-Lamb’s love language is physical touch while Narinder’s is words of affirmation. Lamb is kinda sorta definitely touch starved and desperately wants a hug while Narinder wants to hear that he’s enough or if he’s doing a good job at something.

-Lamb and Narinder are listeners rather than talkers so they make for great ears when it comes to talking about issues. Lamb is the one that offers advice, however. Narinder’s advice is awkward/well-intentioned but poorly worded most of the time.

-Narinder wants his crown back. Lamb is not giving it back.

-Lamb helped a lot with Narinder physical therapy when he was still a newly indoctrinated follower. They came up with an exercise regime that kept Narinder in shape and slowly helped build his strength up. Narinder didn’t like it at first, it felt patronizing but warms up to it eventually.

-Narinder hates water because cat. Lamb absolutely loves pushing him (safely) into ponds. Narinder hates it in the moment but there will come a day when he’ll look back on it and laughs even though he still hates it.

-I can’t imagine them really getting officially married but it taxes were to become a thing (ie, the cult itself gets taxed for whatever reason) I can see Lamb going up to Narinder and asking, “Would you marry me for tax benefit?” And Narinder would absolutely say yes because fuck taxes.

-Lamb cannot cook very well (I mean have you seen the food in game? I’m worried about the Cultists diets) but can prepare pufferfish correctly and with ease so hey that’s something! (A big something)

[sl33py-g4m3r]

May have posted about this before; however, I'm doing it again...

that post last night with the little footnote got me thinking about it again..... unfortunately..... It's just a cat and mouse game with no discernible outcome as I can't make up my mind as to what's true...

Am I trans or not?

Or am i just uncomfortable being female for some other reason?

I don't know how to see myself tbh....

Like I don't see myself as female really, despite obviously being biologically female....

but at the same time idk.... Am I trans or not? It's something that's been bugging me off and on since I've been a young adult...

mom dressed me in dresses when I was really young, then I stopped wearing them at some point but didn't exactly dress like a boy either. Just androgynous because kid... Got called moms son once at an eye appointment, that made me happy a bit back then. But I didn't know what gender/sex was back then. Then the boys were helping me in second grade because I'm legally blind, and they wanted to help. The girls were mean to me cause I was getting the attention that they wanted I guess.... It's been a while. So 6-7 year old me snuck scissors into the school bathroom to cut my long hair off; thinking it would make me a boy i guess. It didn't. and sadly enough dad even kept a lock of the hair I had cut off. Had had it short ever since. well that's a lie actually; I grew it out in 2012-2014, and let it get quite long, tailbone length long, then I stopped caring for it, biggest mistake ever, and it got cut short once more.

I've struggled with what I know now as some pretty bad anxiety and ptsd from childhood that idk if is playing a part but that's beside the point i think...

Never really saw myself in terms of boy or girl as a kid; I just was.. I got called a boy a few times which made me kinda happy but I didn't know why.

Then eventually the horrors of puberty showed up; I began wearing sweaters and jackets at school and out all the time. and became very insecure about myself, moreso than I already was. But with things that came up I dealt with.

Didn't think about it again until young adulthood when I found tumblr and lurked for a bit. learning what "transgender" was and wondering if I was that if I was so uncomfortable being female.

idk if it was just the anxiety or something, or the fact that everyone's taller than my 150 cm ass........ Or that I'm insecure cause I'm blind from a legal standpoint or what....

I began wondering what it was like to be seen or be a male in society. How would I be treated differently if I were seen as a male?

I asked the wrong person the wrong questions and was SA'd as a result; but things could've been much worse, that they could've.

I dropped it and thought it went away; but it hasn't... Hell that SA incident was what got me into therapy and realizing that I have anxiety and ptsd from childhood to begin with, lol. and maybe mildly autistic but that isn't actually diagnosed at all.

So now the "am I a trans guy" just pops up from time to time, I think about it a while, and then drop it again.

I thought I'd talked to mom about it a long while ago; how I felt being female and that I didn't want to be, talked to an aunt about it too. They both just said that; "god made you female for a reason". so I dropped it once again.

tried getting the therapy office to use a male name and pronouns for me; but that just sounded odd after almost 30 years of being referred to by my birth name and sex. so it felt really weird and I never officially implemented it, reverting it before it went into effect as a test run.

So is it because I'm short? Because I'm disabled? Because I'm female? What makes me so insecure of myself and unsure of everything?

I question and second guess everything for the most part... and still don't know how to see myself.

all of my OC's that I've made throughout all of the fandoms I've been in (sonic, naruto, etc. and even my own original character that I've made independently of any fandom) had been male.

would I have more confidence in myself if I were male? Or is it something else?

It might be a bunch of things all at once that I'm not understanding...

I'm just very confused to whom I am and had been for many years....

and I can't pay with the "crossdressing to be read as male" because it's very obvious that I'm female anyway....

So am I actually trans or is there a bunch of stuff going on under the surface that I'm unaware of and that's whats causing me to feel this way?

Even if I were a guy; I'd still be short, still be emotional, still like cute things probably, would be bullied perhaps for being emotional and shy, and being shy might be cuter in females anyway.... idk......

Male or female, I'd still be me...

and I have no idea who I am or how I come off to people

aside from "too nice for my own good" or "the blind one" or idk what else. I know I shouldn't care how people look at me and think but i do anyway......

I hate how that post last night threw me into thinking about this... Hopefully posting about it will help somehow...

Do I come off as male or female on the internet?? Before I outed myself as female what was thought of me?? I don't like disclosing that because I worry that doing so would get people acting smarmy towards me and be creepy...

sad boi gender rant over.....

I'm sorry for subjecting you all to sad boi hours like 2 days in a row... or the same one...... idk

enjoy the self examination as well as the confusion that comes along with it....

I genuinely don't know what to think about myself at this point....

all I do know probably for sure tho is that if I were a guy I'm assuming I'd be a femboy; cause I'd like soft, fluffy, cute things still... and still be a pacifist.... the opposite of the tomboy i was as a child... maybe...

[capricioussun]

ooooh can we hear about your toriels? maybe from sweetswap and loveswap?

Hi!! Of course I'd love to ty 4 asking <333

I'm a big swap!Toriel apologist and which is soo hypocritical of me bc of how much I bully Asgore lmao but!! Sweetswap and Loveswap Toriel are so great.

So sweetswap kind of parallels Heartfell in the theme of "everything may not be as it seems". Aesthetically, it's all about pastels and cuteness and, well, sweetness! Everyone is extra friendly and kind natured, but the thing is...they're basically ignoring what they're really doing to break the barrier (and the war that will follow). SS Toriel is actually a bit more in line with UT Asgore's line of thinking than I usually characterize US Toriel, in that...she feels trapped in this decision she's made, she hates doing this, but she still believes it's the only way to save her people.

I won't get into it, but she doesn't tell the kids who reach her the truth. She tries to make it as painless as possible, at least, but she's really a very sad, lonely person. She isolates herself in her castle whenever she's not making her Obligatory Morale-Boosting trips to the various towns of the underground. Clover has mixed feelings about it all, but he and SS Alphys have both tried helping her out some, yet the guilt weighs in her too heavily.

After surfacing, at first, she continues attempting to isolate while taking responsibility for her people, but with a lot of time (and therapy), she winds up having healthier relationships with everyone again. It's actually Dandelion (SS Asgore) who really gets through to her and initiates the biggest internal changes. She's not helping anyone by hating herself so much.

LS Toriel below the cut bc this got so long whoops!

As for LS Toriel, wow!! She's a crazy lady. She's actually a little like Rose from Steven Universe, if Rose seemed to act more "mature" and level headed. Well, and more intense. Things in their underground are rough, tbh, instead of pitting all their hopes on the souls and the war, Toriel kind of...dives headlong into the idea that, in the meantime at least, they could make the underground a nice place to live, after all, monsters depend on hope and love, which comes from building strong relationships, right? On paper, it's a great idea! Let's make this dumpster fire as much of an Eden as we can, right?

Well, the thing is, monsters tend to *latch onto ideas. So over time, this gradually became more and more distorted, leading to an over emphasis on relationships and love and depending on others above everything else. The more people love you the better! They'll do almost anything to seek approval and popularity amongst each other, and Toriel, unfortunately, leans heavily into this pattern of thinking as a very mutated coping mechanism for all the issues she's repressing. Love and acceptance and adoration are above anything else, and she tries desperately to be a ruler worthy of that, from everyone. She even goes as far as working with both Undyne and Alphys to hide statistic of who's Fallen, which puts even more pressure on Undyne to find a way to save them.

Under the thin veneer of Aesthetics and Ideals, the underground is rotting. Things aren't nearly as bad as Lovefell, for example, but they're not great! And Toriel has fooled even herself into buying the delusion.

On the surface, she still struggles for a long time, as she has to face decades, if not centuries of repressed trauma while slowly discarding bad coping mechanisms. Especially given everyone has hard feelings with her, so she has to start in a place with very little support. It's grueling work, but she puts it in. Not to make up for what she's done, but to help monsters make a better future and be the kind of person she should've been a long time ago.

[merlumina]

hi there, tumblr

So after quitting all other social media (twitter, instagram, facebook), I found myself 1) pretty lonely tbh and 2) at a loss for how to keep myself creatively motivated and inspired with nowhere to share my work. I'd heard from several people that tumblr is way more chill these days, and while I hesitated at first, I finally decided to give it a try. After a few weeks of waiting from tech support to regain access to my account (pro tip: don't sign up for anything important with your college email address), I regained access yesterday and spent some time doing some tidying up (i. e. deleting most of my old posts and likes).

So...hi! Feels weird to be back. Life has changed so much in the past seven years. It was interesting going back through old posts to relive those times. Since I was last here, this is what I've been up to:

hollowforest and I got married in 2020. While he was unfortunately not able to propose to me at MAGFest after a particularly victorious round of Gundam Xtreme VS, which would have been rad, we settled for eloping at county jail, which is also a cool story.

Ringo, my cat, is still with us! But now we also have a dog, Haru (named after Persona 5 Haru). Yeah I like dogs now. I like pitt bulls now. 2012 me would never.

After years of self-doubt and self-loathing about my life choices, I actually became what I wanted to be when I grew up - a software developer! In late 2020 I took the plunge to do a coding bootcamp and got really lucky being hired into an apprenticeship program before I'd even graduated. Now I'm making those big coding $$$ working from home, literally living the dream and still kind of in awe.

I joined the Diagnosed with ADHD in My 30s club! (Also, I'm in my 30s now)

We bought a house in October, 2022! I did not think it would be possible for the longest time, but due to the big job upgrade we were finally able to afford it.

I've played a lot of video games, but not beaten that many.

I picked up game dev as a hobby and have made a few small games during game jams.

My mental health is overall a lot better now! Part of that is from therapy, part of that is from self reflection, part of that is maybe just growing up. See also: quitting aforementioned social medias.

Improved mental health aside, my hangups about my artistic abilities and creative capacity still haven't improved any in the past 10 years. It's one of my biggest personal insecurities, but also one of the reasons I'm trying Tumblr again! I wanted somewhere to post my practice routine to keep myself accountable, as well as a place to get inspiration from other artists.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to keep this blog focused on art and personal things that make me happy. After I left Tumblr in 2016 I started working on myself and trying to focus on bringing more empathy into my interactions with others. Whether or not I've been successful at that is another matter, but in general it has helped me be a happier person. I am not interested in participating in Discourse. I don't think you can judge the "goodness" of a human based on a handful of things they've said/done online, and I won't be made to cast judgment on anyone. I think we should spend less time tearing down people in our own communities and more time asking why it's so easy for the people in power to trick us into fighting each other. In general, the overall vibe that everyone's social media account is a personal soapbox where they can make declarations about what is Right and what people Should be doing makes me uncomfortable. So I'm going to try not to do any more of that here. I do like still having those discussions sometimes, but I prefer a more personal venue, where I feel like I'm talking with people rather than at them.

Let's be cool to each other! -Liz / merlumina

[roger-d0dger]

just asking for clarification ig: you said don’t flirt but… do you ship anyone because i’ve seen platonic jager so i’m just curious abt romantic ships. totally cool if no!

Thank you for the question! When I’m answering this, please keep in mind I am a fictive in a system, so my memories are different than canon. While I recognize I am not my source, this kind of stuff is easier to explain in first person. For reference, I personally remember the events of the book took place over the course of 4ish years. Now that I’ve given my disclaimer:

Ok so tbh I was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD and probably ASPD so I was a little self-focused and very mentally ill. Of course when I was like… 12, the mere mention of feelings made me gag and cover my ears, so we’re skipping ahead a few years.

I had been friends with Merridew since I was 7, way before the island. I was always kind of quiet and had trouble making friends because I had issues socially, but he never treated me any differently because of them. We became closer, in a way, on the island. If I had to label it, I’d call it a “Passionate Friendship”, or something like that, but I’ve never found a label that completely fits. I liked him and I felt a different way about him than I felt with anyone else, I really don’t know what that way was - partially because both of us were in very desperate need of therapy, and talking about your feelings is not at the top of the list of things hunters enjoy. So I guess maybe that counts? I’m not sure. Feelings are a little confusing for me sometimes.

TLDR: I pretty much don’t ship in the traditional sense, but platonic or slightly more than that Jager is the closest thing I have to a ship. In the future, my ask blog and associated art that I create for it will continue to not be focused on ships. For example: you can ask questions about me and Jack’s friendship, and I’d love to answer or make a joke about it, but if it’s overtly romantic I probably won’t discuss it, as it’s both a little too personal and discourse I do not want to be a part of. I want to keep this a welcoming place for every fan of the book. The fandom is already small enough, I don’t want to divide it any further.

Also, I don’t have a problem with ANY ship, Jalph included. Please don’t take this answer as me joining in the Jalph v.s. Jager debates. I have stayed out of all that for the past like, 5 years, and I would like to continue to do so. It’s a small fandom, and I really just want to be able to talk and joke about the book and the characters with everyone!

Thanks for reading!!

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

like the thing about the human metal sonic au is that metal was created for very different purposes but bc her childhood was so shitty it lead to super similar results. like human babies take time and effort to make and can’t fight for at least a decade after being made, that’s not why she was born. she was created to be an heir to her father's legacy and not a weapon. but she turned into that anyway. she was basically selected to be as close to her father as possible to mould into a mini-me (her deadname is literally ivo jr she was very much seen as a younger version of her father) but as it turns out raising a child around dangerous robotics and with as many fancy education plans as you can afford with your Very Legal Money while rarely actually spending any time with them that’s kind of hard. like I mean she was able to do a lengthy dangerous extremely fucked up series of cybernetic surgeries on herself over the course of a few months without him knowing until she Insisted on being a weapon. she’s able to hide lengthy hospital stays bc she’s alone that much. by the time she went to the psych ward (bc you cannot reset a human child so she just got very intensive therapy) and eggman actually became somewhat of a present father figure in her life bc he obviously doesn’t want her to be that distressed he’s a shit dad but he loves her deep down she already sees herself as an object and a tool. she sees herself as a robot bc usefulness is attention, and as sonic bc hatred is also attention. essentially she’s become a killer robot hedgehog girl but only out of nurture or lack thereof instead of it being her programmed nature. also bc she’s a furry. she would have been better off on furaffinity tbh

[keybladespirit]

You know what sure.

15, then again in my twenties.

None confirmed but, I'm pretty sure my dad is autistic and doesn't know. Like it's so obvious. His "anger issues" became way easier to deal with when I started to treating them like he's autistic meltdown instead. And it seems pretty likely that some of my cousins are as well.

Does being trans count? I might also have ADHD.

I am a trans woman and my sexuality is "g-g-g-g-g-g-girls pretty" with exactly that amount of stammering.

It's just a normal personality type that most of society is not well equipped to deal with. Also I don't use my autism as an excuse. I think it's one of my best qualities.

Yes. It was great. I'm not doing it again.

Yes.

Kingdom Hearts, Bionicle, Destiny (the game) and Star Wars.

Definitely Star Wars. One of my first memories was of screaming that I wanted to see Star Wars in the movie theatre we were at (it was some rerelease in theatres for an anniversary I think, and my sister actually was going to see it at the time) but my parents were taking me to some other movie that I don't even remember.

"I don't think I really have any stims," she says while absentmindedly picking at her facial hair with a pair of tweezers.

Do everything you can to avoid working for Limited Brands.

Yes, but I can't remember who? Like I'm thinking of a really specific character but they're just not coming to me.

My friend Minra! She's sweet and kind and a heck of a lot smarter than me about things I want to be smart at!!

Yup. 7 classes left to my bachelor's degree.

I think probably yes? But I don't remember very well, tbh.

I would guess that most of my closest friends are autistic.

Not really? I kinda just have my entire life set up such that there is something to harmlessly stim with in reach.

Yeah.

Too many people talking all at once.

Let's just say I loooooove having long hair now.

I'll mention it if it's relevant but otherwise I don't really care.

Yes. 100% yes.

Kingdom Hearts has been my special interest since before Kingdom Hearts came out.

Yes. Usually in response to my dad's meltdowns.

Definitely.

Yea.

Oh yeah for sure.

Uhhhhhhhh I don't really know. I think the last one that I lost was Star Wars, and that lasted for a while and I still like it a lot.

Friends, yes. Family, "yes," as in they pretend to be but aren't really.

Xanther, from Mark Z. Danielewski's The Familiar series.

I don't have a specific comfort item, but I have a really strong habit of bringing whatever physical book I'm currently reading whenever I leave the house, even if I know I probably won't be able to actually make progress in it.

As in favorite? I like bbq ribs. Ice cream. Albanese gummi peach rings. Sour gummy worms. Mmmmmm.

Anything that's like, solid but slimy, or things that are dry and chewy. I share the latter one with my dad.

Both, somehow.

Yes, it was great, wish I still had the thing.

No, but I do know that I function best when I have to force myself into a routine.

Both, somehow.

Pretty good for other people, but I'm bad at knowing when I seem sarcastic. I use tone indicators more for my benefit than that of others.

I love gym shorts and I have these nice long legged pants that are made of similar material to gym shorts.

I really want to own the novelizations of all of the Kingdom Hearts games. So far I have one.

I don't date but when I did, I don't think I had a preference.

Donald is NOT shit at healing. You can customize his AI to fit your strategy and play style with a very easy to use menu.

I would really like to have a copy of Kingdom Hearts Melody of Memory signed by Yoko Shimomura.

I don't really follow bloggers that much.

I don't think I even know of any autistic celebrities.

Quiet.

No, but I am unsure if that's because it got conversion therapied out of me.

I have a trans flag patch in the shape of the Kingdom Hearts logo.

I find it very difficult to know what people mean when they say the opposite of what they mean in a tone of voice that suggests that they are saying what they mean.

Q: What is something you wish people did to accommodate your autism? A: Don't interrupt meeeeeeeeee!

Autism ask meme

Here's an ask meme specifically for autistic people

How old were you when you found out you were autistic?

Do you have any other autistic people in your family? Or are you the only one?

Do you have any comorbidities? Or just autism?

Are you LGBTQIA+?

What do you wish more people knew about autism?

Have you ever been in a relationship?

Do you find it hard to make friends?

If you have any, what are your special interests?

What was your first special interest?

What are your most common stims?

If you could give any advice to your younger self, what would it be?

Do you headcanon any characters as autistic? If you want, tell us why you headcanon them as autistic.

Tell us an autistic person that you really look up to.

Are you currently in school?

Have you ever received any accommodations for your autism in either school or work?

Do you have any autistic friends?

Do you own any stim toys? Which is your favorite?

Do you find it easier to get along with other autistic people?

What kinds of things are sensory hell for you?

What kinds of things are good sensory wise?

How open are you usually when it comes to being autistic?

Would you say you're proud to be autistic?

What's the longest you've ever has a special interest for?

Do you have meltdowns?

What about shutdowns?

Do you avoid eye contact?

Do you have any vocal stims or echolalia?

How long do your special interests usually last for?

Are your friends and/or family accepting of your autism?

Favorite canon autistic character?

Do you have a comfort item? If you feel comfortable with it, then show it to us.

What are your same foods?

Foods you are sensitive to (maybe because of bad texture for instance)?

Do you enjoy hugs? Or are they sensory hell?

Have you ever used a weighted blanket?

Do you have routines that you have to follow? What's in your routine?

Do you enjoy holidays or are they sensory hell to you?

How good are you at detecting sarcasm?

What's the most comfortable/sensory friendly outfit you own?

Do you collect anything related to your special interest?

If you date people then would you prefer to date other autistic people?

Tell us something about your special interest.

If you could have any item related to your special interest what would it be?

Who are your favorite autistic bloggers? Say something nice about them.

Favorite autistic celebrity?

Are you generally a loud or quiet person?

Do you happy flap?

What is your favorite special interest related item you own? Show it to us if you want.

What's something you find hard to do because of autism?

Free question. Ask anything you want! Any topic at all!

[moonbiscuitsims]

Lizzeh and Bab Part 1

Part 2 (vacation pics and their children) is here

Found these cute old screenshots (therefore not taken with SRWE and not as great quality) of Eliza and Bob Pancakes and since I've been sick and don't have much energy to play the game I thought I'd share them.

Bob, casually watering the plants with his depression tears.

JUDITH WARD omg you are so terrible stop existing in areas where celebrities do not go I hate you just leave ffs

Another poor sim of mine passed out on Bob's head, but they used their therapy skills to religiously ignore her and not give a Glarn.

This is when they went to the Festival of Romance together &lt;3

Bob makes Eliza pancakes all the time, of course.

Remember don't leave fireplaces on IRL while you sleep.

I just don't get why people hate them they're so cute. In my mind Eliza is checking in with Bob, maybe a little artificially but he can see she is trying.

So back when Growing Together came out I mean way after because it basically broke my game for over a month which is the whole reason I went back to TS2 and TS3 in the first place I literally had never touched Bob or Eliza even though I know they're well known sims 4 premades. Tbh I had never touched sims 4 premades 😂 anyway all I had ever heard about this couple was that they were a really bad couple and hate each other, often paired with especially negative comments towards Eliza, like "Eliza is a b***h" well, upon observing their home it looked to me a lot more like Bob suffered from depression, not just that he's a lazy husband or that Eliza is a b***h. Also their relationship really isn't that bad when you start so while they naturally are opposites that doesn't necessarily mean it had to be bad. So I gave them a new narrative. Bob was depressed (maybe capitalism, maybe feeling inferior or impostor syndrome, maybe it was just a chemical thing) and Eliza didn't really have the skills or understanding to help him. She isn't really an emotional person and doesn't find hard work or motivation difficult at all, so she wasn't the most supportive while he lazed about and did nothing at home. But they both decided to get couples counselling when Bob started to sleep in the other room and not leave for days; and for Bob to go to therapy separately upon the recommendation of their counsellor. Eliza learned more about mental health and how to be more sensitive and a supportive partner for Bob, while Bob learned how to rely less on Eliza and pick himself up. He started his own little pancake business (I used RGeetect's awesome build for this) and slowly became more involved in household chores. In the end I made them basically a perfect (perhaps a little too perfect) power couple. I think they deserved better. Eliza is following her ambitions to become an author and blogger and of course they have become adorable little parents.

[pinkadork]

I wasnt just tired from the game or being up late. I was tired. I could feel everything getting worse and i kept trying to cling to them. I wanted to show i cared i felt like an ass after the night before id thought on shit and thought i could make it better. I made it worse and then wanted to be hurt about it and i was just an ass. Ive been an ass. But that day i became everything i swore i wouldnt. I cemented everything negative ever said about me. I fucked up. I had been fucking up yeah but i fucked it. I couldnt get past myself and see the bigger picture. I was so caught up in being alone that i didnt even stop once to think. Nigga i hate myself. And i should tbh. I keep being like i miss them i wanns be with them but is also like.

I cant man. Not rn. And maybe mot ever. But certainly not now. I need to find out how fix myself, i gotta be able to not let peoples coping skills that they have intact, be a thing that i feel like plsys into my insecurities. I dont want the insecurities. I love them. And i feel like i always will but like. How do i even show that at this point? And even if i do show that, why does it have to be that i want ti get back with them? I should be okay with just being friends and accept thats what we need to be. I can't pretend i dont have issues, and in the same light i can't act like my heart longs for them. I hate that im like this. I feel like im always gonna be a parsite as long as breathe. People only stay around me and talk to me or wanns do things with or for me because they care right?

But its like base level, dont die, and thats my fault. I'm not trying to gain sympathy but when i talk sbout i feel like i am. I end up feeling like all im doing is seeking attention and validation. I constantly want to know shit like, do you love me, are we good, are we okay, because i always felt like i was fucking up. When shit would get to a certain point and i mean for the worse, it feel like the same thing everytime, i hurt you, you hurt me, we apologize, we press forward but no one really forgives or forgets, we held it and went back and forth and when times were "good" I'd think, man we're gonna be okay, and inevitably something would happen. Sometimes us, sometimes work. Sometimes life . Either way I've felt like i failed you the entire time anyways and then I'd get bitter when you'd confirm it honestly. I'd feel like i kept trying to make thing better and go forward to do what i can to make you happy while we were here despite everything but i didnt fucking just accept that the reason you werent happy was because you were here. It always felt like it was me you wanted to leave not here. To the point i stopped listening even when you clearly werent.

I cant go back to therapy until august, when i do theyre supposed to check me see how im doing on meds and what not. My family doesnt want me to talk to you either. I wanna talk to you, sometimes i feel like too much. But in general i love having you my life. Its weird, its probably gonna be. I wanna try if you wanna try. I wanna show i can listen. I wanna show i care. I wanna show i support you and your choices. It doesn't have to lead to what ive been wanting. I just miss talking to my favorite person. I get my ranking fell. Its fine.

[batfamfucker]

hello do yoy write headcanins for damian wayne?

Haven't yet but I would very much like to, so here. To calify some of these come from different posts I've seen on Tumblr and I can't remember who made them so I do not take credit for some of these. I will put a * next to the ones I did not come up if anyone knows who did or can find the post, feel free to link it in the comments. If the * is half way through it's because the headcanon came from someone else but then I also had my own addictions to then. Anything after the * for these will be my own headcanons.

Damian's eyes used to be brown but during training with the League as a child he was likely killed multiple times. His eyes became green due to the Lazurus Pit and that Batfam only find this out when looking at baby pictures of him. *

It took a while but when he finally settled into the family, he slowly started to accept it's okay to be a kid and let his guard down about 'not wanting to be seen as a child'. Starts to actually have a proper childhood. Only feels comfortable and safe enough to act his age around his family and people he's close with, though. Will only listen to Bruce, Alfred, and his older siblings (Plus Diana and Clark) when being told he can't do something because of age, like a particularly dangerous mission. This also applies to being told needs, like needing to go to bed early or do homework.

He has Martha Wayne's nose. No one could pinpoint whose nose he had until Alfred was cleaning up and found an old photo album, looked through it, and connected the dots. * Alfred immediately ran to tell Bruce, who almost cried because he's so used to everyone expecting Waynes to look like Thomas that he was over the moon for there to also be traits of his mother. Bruce was very greatful to say the least.

Has Autism and struggles with sensory issues. Owns noise cancelling headphones. Has a pair he wears in public that are a sleek black but at home he has a pair of those cat ones with the ears. One of his favourite things to do when he's burnt out is to wear them and listen to ASMR of cats purring whilst having Alfred The Cat in his lap so he can stroke his fur. Good stims.

Is great at masking but it leads to a lot of burnout.

Has non verbal days. Struggled with it a lot at first because he was punished for not answering during his days with the League so he had a lot of anxiety about not being accepted or even hurt. Bruce and Dick were very gentle and reassured him it was okay. It was a slow process but they managed to get there. Cass helped to teach him sign language. He tends to hang around her on these days because it brings him comfort to know it's not just him.

Bruce spoke to doctors and such about diagnosing Damian the minute he started noticing the signs. Being neurodivergent himself (I think Bruce has ADHD and perhaps Autism too) and having multiple children who are also neurodivergent, it didn't take long. You start to be quite good at it.

Bruce also had Damian start having therapy sessions with their family therapist when Damian began settling in. (They 100% have one and you can't tell me otherwise. Bruce himself wouldn't have gotten help at first in the early days but I refuse to believe he's just gonna let his kids sit there with obvious C-PTSD and not do anything. It started years ago when Bruce tracked down reputable therapists and observed them for a while, probably months, before approving that they were trustworthy of knowing secret identities based on their character. He hired them for the League and wider hero community, but also he hired one specifically for his family. He had sessions with Jason when they were finally able to start reconciling which helped the process greatly. He's had sessions with all of his kids. I may make another post about this tbh. He also had multiple sessions with each of his children when he came back from 'death'.) It took a little convincing and at first Damian was essentially wasting his sessions and not being too cooperative, but after some time he started to actually open up. He actually felt relief and it was one of the main things that led him to accepting his Autism diagnosis and processing his trauma and the abuse he experienced. It encouraged him to embrace the freedom he finally had to have a real childhood and actually get to be a kid.

Doesn't always show it but actually feels emotions very deeply and is incredibly empathetic. My dude literally became a vegetarian because he was upset when he realised how awful farm animals were being treated. It's very obvious he cares deeply about others and I find it strange when people think he doesn't. He's Robin for a reason. This boy searched Gotham's sewers for a few of Martha's missing pearls to gift to Bruce. Damian has a heart of gold, it was just damaged for a long time so he didn't know how to treat people at first. In his early days in the family, he was horrible simply because he was raised that way. That's how he had been treated and therefore learned that's how he should treat others. It wasn't until he had the influence of the wider world and was actually treated with love by his family that he was able to unlearn those behaviours and explore that part of him that did want to help others and be kind, to explore his empathy.

Diana will take Damian out to vegetarian restaurants she loves. *

Jason cooks/bakes with Alfred and they always make sure to cook/bake a vegan version of whatever they're making for Damian. Jason also likes to test out new vegan recipes on Damian.

Jason and Alfred also make a list about what foods give Damian sensory issues/What textures Damian doesn't like.

Damian also sometimes likes to cook/bake with them.

After the Pride and Prejudice book borrow event (Which is canon in my mind), Jason reorganised a small corner of his personal library in the Manor and moved his books to replace them with books Damian loves, as well as books he's read that he thinks Dami will like. Made the nook as comfortable for Damian as possible and everything there is designed with some of Damian's favourite textures and such. Like a soft faux fur rug, a really comfy chair and blanket. It's got stim toys and even a hidden mini fridge behind a panel in the book case full of water and snacks. It's so if he's hyperfixating on a good book, he can stay hydrated and stuff. Jason acts tough but is a good brother. Will spoil his siblings and make sure they have everything because he knows what it's like to have nothing.

Gay and (I'm ignoring all the time stuff and pretending him and Jon got to grow up together properly) realises when he begins to crush on Jon. In denial at first but learns to accept it because of his family (Who are 100% all queer in some way). Childhood friends to lovers.

Plays the violin and also learns piano.

Amazing artist. Bruce turns one of the guest rooms into an art studio for Damian. It's fully Damian's space and he's allowed to draw on/paint on the walls, ceilings, etc, not just the canvases. (Sidenote: I headcanon that Bruce tries to give each of his kids their own hobby room. Jason has his library, which is canon, Cass has a dance studio, Dick has one full of circus equipment and obstacles, Tim has a photography studio/gaming room, etc).

Minecraft Mondays with Tim. * Eventually all the other kids also join too and they 'force' Bruce and Alfred to play (Bruce was hoping they'd ask because he loves finding ways to spend time with them and is just happy to be there. Glad that all his kids have something in common that they love and do together. Alfred was just intrigued by it). Surprisingly Bruce is great at the game and will go get the resources so his kids can build. Will kill mobs for them all, expecially for those that are lowkey scared of them (Dick and Jason, who won't admit it). Alfred is a master builder and just disappeared somewhere on the sever. Eventually they find what he was up to and discover he built a whole kingdom by himself. He's also great at speed running the game and got to The End within the first three hours of playing. Dick is terrible at the game. Is the one that will be like 'This is fine. I'm fine' and all you see in the group chat is 'MyNameWasn'tAllowed fell from a high place', 'MyNameWasn'tAllowed tried to swim in lava', 'MyNameWasn'tAllowed was killed by a silverfish'. Babs is the redstone expert. Tim is the sever modder that finds the best mods that will work on servers and installs them for everyone. Also dabbles in redstone. Cass plays the same way Alfred does and will just dissappear, she's also a master. She likes to collect flowers and decorate the area they built. Steph is the server prankster. Duke and Damian tend to do duo quests and adventures together. Jason is the sever food producer and uses it to play farming simulator essentially. Screamed when he was jumpscared by a Creeper that blew up his wheat patch. Cass and Duke helped him rebuild out of sympathy whilst Steph typed out a laughing emoji on a sign and left if in his house. Bruce patrolls near Jason and Dick the most.

Regularly plays chess with Bruce, Alfred, Tim, and Jason. Gives lessons to Duke.

Slips into Arabic when angry and/or overwhelmed. Also when he's sleepy. There's been times where Bruce has carried him to bed and Damian has softly mumbled stuff to him in Arabic. It's usually sweet stuff he only says when he's tired. Like an 'I love you' of some kind.

Sometimes after a long patrol he doesn't really have to speak and will just reach his arms out and Bruce will pick him up to carry him to bed. If Damian's not already asleep by the time they get there, he'll stroke his hair and trace a finger down from his brow line to the tip of his nose. He's done this with all of his children.

Regularly reads bedtime stories to his pets.

Has nightmares quite often and so was hesitant to have sleepovers with Jon at first because he didn't want to be vulnerable or for Jon to see him overwhelmed and emotional if he had one. Later into their friendship he actually speaks to Jon about it and they finally have a sleepover, and then many more. He did have nightmares during some of them but Jon quickly learned how to deal with them and help Damian relax. In time, Damian starts to notice he has less nightmares when with Jon. They also happen less and less as he gets older. In their later teenage years, Jon has basically developed the skill to know when Damian is having a nightmare via his heartbeat, whether he's awake or a sleep. He'll be at the Manor within about two seconds to help Damian when they happen.

When craving cuddles, he either goes to Bruce, Dick, Jason, or, surprisingly, Steph. She's just very soft and huggable.

Has crawled into Tim's lap randomly before when Tim was at his desk. It happened after they actually started considering each other as brother's and stopped fighting as much. He didn't say anything or give a warning, just curled into him and silently played on the Nintendo Switch he brought with him. Tim was slightly taken aback at first but then just readjusted to get more comfortable and leaned back. He changed to only using one hand for his computer, and used his other to stroke Damian's back idly. It made him smile though, glad that their relationship had developed, even if they still bicker sometimes. It was moments like this that made him understand why Jay and Dick enjoy being big brothers. It was moments like this that made Tim realise people really do love him, and that there's always people worth staying for. That there's always a little brother who's gonna need you. He has a baby brother that needs him, and other siblings and a dad and granddad and friends that all need him. That would miss him. It's moments like this that makes Tim realise he doesn't think he has it in him to ever take that away from them.

Damian eventually refers to Alfred as Grandfather. Gets him and Bruce both cards and thoughtful gifts on Father's Day. Also leaves flowers on Thomas' grave. Will do the same for Martha on Mother's Day.

Bruce will check up on him (And the others) when it's Mother's Day. He tries to plan family trips/day outs for it, but will leave time to sit in his office in the morning just in case Talia calls and requests to spend time with Damian. She hasn't yet.

On holidays like Mother's Day and Talia's birthday, Damian will leave a gift by his window and then stay out of his room for a few hours. When he comes back, they're always gone. There's always a note, though, with a chocolate kiss on the top. He accepts every kiss, and saves every note. For his own birthday, he'll walk into his room to find a present on his bed. For Christmas, now that he celebrates it, Damian will set a gift by the window and leave, only to come back later and see a different one than the one he left. Every time, there's no trace of anyone entering or exiting, but he'd recognise his mother's perfume anywhere. He'll sit by his window to open his presents in case she stays to watch. She always does. When it's Christmas, she'll wait with her gift for when Damian returns, so they can open them together.

Every so often, Damian writes a letter about how his life is going to Talia but never sends them. He keeps them in a box with a small hope that one day he'll finally be able to give them to her.

[lastoneout]

@yeetyeetyeetyeetnonono Sorry for pulling this out of the replies but I exceeded the character limit so here we are!

But anyway I want to clarify right up front that there is literally nothing immoral about needing/using drugs, any drugs, for any reason. I never said that nor did I intend to imply it.

The issue is that english "drugs" covers everything from ibuprofen to meth and there isn't really a concise way to say "drugs like weed that are usually illegal but sometimes not and not prescribed by a doctor" so I just said "drugs" assuming(wrongfully) that people would understand what I meant.

But tbh I've had the rest of this kicking around in my head for a while, so while I'm probably preaching to the choir I just gotta get this out:

I have several friends and family members who struggle with drug addiction and/or with convincing doctors to actually help them with their problems. I know for a fact that the majority of people who turn to (usually)illegal drugs do it because they are experiencing profound suffering and are desperate to find anything that will make life bearable for them.

As an example, I know someone who became addicted to opioids bcs they have debilitating OCD that makes it near impossible for them to even exist in the world, and opoiods were the only thing that helped them relax enough that they could live a normal life. They don't want to use illegal drugs or be addicted, and they've tried to stop before, but they've failed because they don't have any other options to alleviate their suffering. And while I am not on good terms with this person for other reasons, I can't really blame them for not wanting to suffer.

I also know someone who is disabled and has been dealing with debilitating chronic pain their entire life. Their new doctor refused to prescribe them a dose of painkillers that would actually help them(or do much of anything other than tell them to suck it up), and bcs they were in angony and desperate for relief they turned to street fentanyl, but when their doctor found out instead of seeing that as like, a sign that their patient wasn't getting the help they needed, they saw that as a sign this person was an addict and immediately completely took away the pain killers they desperately needed which like?? How does that make sense?? This person didn't resort to further fentanyl usage thankfully, bcs it's dangerous and way more addictive and they could face legal trouble, but if they had...idk if I could have blamed them. They had their only safe venue of help taken away when they needed it most. Why not turn to street/illegal drugs at that point?

Or, for me, I have been put through hell for like a year trying medication after medication to help with my debilitating insomnia. Despite the fact that I have Bipolar II and even on a mood stabilizer SSRIs have always ruined my ability to function, and I have taken ambien before and had no issues, AND I had a note from my current therapist saying that I would not make any progress addressing my trauma if I wasn't sleeping, and not sleeping also triggers my migraines and my migraines are bad enough it makes me feel suicidal, my doctor made me try a bunch of SSRIs.

When that put me in the fucking hospital I asked her if I could please just try ambien or something like it, she said "narcotics are bad for you" and made me try other meds that thankfully didn't mess with my serotonin but also didn't help. After that she literally told me I had exhausted all of my options and there was nothing she could do to help me, and I should try therapy to see if addressing the underlying cause would fix the sleep issues. She didn't listen when I reminded her my therapist said I wouldn't be able to do that if I wasn't sleeping. She didn't care that it could take years to fully resolve my trauma, years where I not sleeping would be further destroying my health to the point of making me want to kill myself, that suffering is "better for me" than using narcotics. I'm just supposed to suffer to avoid MAYBE becoming addicted to ambien.

But like...she said she wouldn't help me. I had my safe venue of receiving help denied to me. And on top of the suicide risk, that would only make my risk of addiction worse bcs now my only options are suffer, which I obviously don't want to do, or do something illegal that is far more likely to actually lead to an addiction or death.

And I can't just suffer like that, I don't want to be in so much pain that it makes me want to die, so bereft of options I started taking weed gummies, which have worked wonders and helped me finally get some sleep. Thankfully, weed is legal where I am, and my doctors can't do anything about me using it like refusing me service or taking away my other medications.

But again, I don't really think this is that different from what the previous people I talked about did, or anyone else I know who has struggled with addiction. The only reason I'm not facing backlash or putting myself at risk of death/legal trouble/worse addiction using illegal drugs from a likely less than reputable source, is bcs this is legal where I am and I can buy safe weed at a dispensary. If it wasn't, I'd probably be in the same boat as them. Bcs chronic insomnia is life-ruining and makes me suicidal and the thought of going back to living like that terrifies me to the point of having anxiety attacks just thinking about it. I can't do it. If I didn't live somewhere with legal weed idk what I'd do, but it would be hard to not at least think about turning to an illegal substance for help when the alternative is agony so bad I literally want to die. (Or alcohol which while legal would also probably put my life at risk, I'm on a handful of meds that make it VERY dangerous for me to drink.)

So I have to keep using drugs that are technically illegal but not really to make it so that I can live a normal life, and that is a fucking failure on the part of my doctors.

Bcs doctors, and society, frames turning to illegal drugs as a moral failing, something someone only does when they are lazy or stupid or selfish or not strong enough to put up with a little character-building honorable suffering and just do what the doctor said. But that's not true. People turn to illegal drugs when they are in hellish agony and have no other choice for relief.

Bcs if you have been denied safe help and the alternative is agony and/or suicide, you kinda stop caring about illegal drugs potentially killing you or you going to jail or becoming addicted. People want to live, and they will do anything to alleviate their suffering, and the onus for becoming an addict is on their doctors/our medical system (and society as a whole tbh), not them. And I really think more doctors need to contend with that reality. If your patient turns to illegal drugs it isn't because THEY failed. It's because YOU(and/or our system as a whole) failed to help them. If they were getting the help they so desperately needed they wouldn't think to turn to dangerous, illegal drugs for relief.

And I know some doctors want to help but can't bcs of the law or w/e and that sucks, but that's a failure as well, just of the medical system as a whole, NOT their patient. And I just think that's a better way of framing it. Addiction isn't a moral or personal failing, it's a systemic failure. The addict has not failed anyone, they have been failed.

And I'm just so fucking tired of living in a world where addiction is blamed on the individual and people who are at their lowest and suffering so profoundly are abandoned bcs they did whatever they could to end their suffering. And nothing has put that into stark focus for me like ending up in a position where the only reason I'm not demonized for making the SAME choices is bcs weed is legal.

I'm also tired of living in a world where people like me are denied help because the "risk" of addiction is worse than just treating our health problems, where we should just put up with our health being destroyed bcs it's "better" for us than narcotics, bcs that isn't fucking true!! Suffering is bad and denying people help makes the risk of addiction and death HIGHER bcs they will turn to other, unsafe substances to end that suffering.

That's what I was trying to say.

I really am starting to be impressed with the sheer power of my insomnia, like my doctor will be all "here have some hydroxyzine this is what we give people before surgery to calm them down, it should knock your ass right out" and then a week later I have to come back and hope they believe me when I say I didn't feel a single goddamn thing.

[headspace-hotel]

nice story about medical stuff from a fellow medically anxious person:

i've had really bad anxiety around needles since I was little. (I even did exposure therapy for it to try and make it more bearable, which... tbh just sucked.) it sounds like what you go through is pretty different than me, though, because while I have slightly elevated anxiety levels around basic check-up type stuff, its not enough to cause me problems unless needles are involved.

anyway, this can be in issue because yknow, vaccinations are important and I take them seriously. when the covid vaccine finally became available I was resigned to the fact that i'd need to get it, despite the huge amount of fear I felt about it. I emailed my campus vax clinic ahead of time about possible accommodations, and they immediately assured me that they'd set aside a private area for me to get the shot and that I could bring my roommate. I was surprised they were so willing to help, and I was glad I'd asked.

I was so nervous on the way there that I thought I was going to collapse. when I walked in, though, the nurse I'd emailed quickly pulled me and my roommate aside and showed us where I'd be. it was private and felt safe, away from all the other people getting their vaccines. I sat at a table (anxiously) while the tech chatted with me and got ready. it sucked and I almost passed out afterward, but everyone was very kind and brought me juice and an ice pack. the nurse was so sweet and understanding and reassured me that I could email ahead of any campus vaccine clinic and they would help accommodate me.

the second dose went even more smoothly with the same accommodations, since I knew id be taken care of, and my roommate was there to help me again. when I had to get my booster at a different location/org, they were also more than willing to make special arrangements for me, even without advance notice.

it sucks being so anxious about this stuff. I don't know anyone else who gets this bad about needles. but there are good and kind people who are willing to help you get through some of the rough spots. navigating this stuff has helped me with my anxiety- I still get anxious, but I feel like I can get through it a bit easier now.

sending good vibes. <3

I hope you find peace friend.

If anything, it's the opposite for me—I got vaccinated for Covid at the pharmacy expecting panic attacks and the Abyss of Death but it turned out that needles are not the bad part, it's going to a doctor that'a the bad part. Like I was nervous but it was okay. Idk.

I think phobias and fears of needles are pretty common, and bad experiences with shots as a kid really frequently are traumatic enough to seriously interfere with seeking medical attention as an adult.

Being able to exercise a little bit of autonomy about it is helpful. I brought my best friend with me when I got my first dose and just the fact that I was able to be like "here is something I am choosing to do that will help" made it better