#they are still not beating the twin flame allegations

[afrofairysblog]

When I saw this scene, I thought she was gonna have Carmy calm her down like Carmy did with Sydney, but when it was the opposite, it made me sad

2x9 | 3x3

[seospicybin]

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

And happy Alentine's Ay to to anyone who didn't get any V or D on this special day. Eitherway, I have just the 8 fics to make your heart fluttering. (Also, as an effort to beat the allegations that I only write sad fics!)

I curated a playlist of my favorite love songs here 💘

THINNING. Bangchan x reader. (s,f)

It's a classic friends-to-lovers. I surprised myself because I personally thought Chan wouldn't fit that trope. Why? Because I would catch feelings right away without being his friend first. fyi, this fic is inspired by a Reddit thread.

Fave quote: "But people oftentimes hide behind the 'actions speak louder than words' and that makes them okay with love left unsaid. No one is a mind reader. If you love someone, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not a chess game."

PEACH. Lee Know x reader. (s, a whole lot of f)

The idea was born from the fact that Minho likes strange smells (e.g gasoline, concrete, etc) and he likes them because they hold certain memories for him. It's a one-shot with a sprinkle of breeding kink. One of my favorite old works of mine and there's a cameo from Soonie.

Fave quote: “You are one ripe, juicy peach,” he said against your lips, “and everybody wants a taste.”

PIED PIPER. Changbin x reader. (s,f)

I think I created a dangerous Changbin in this fic but do I regret it? Not at all. Think of campus bad boy Changbin who knows how to seduce you just right. Seductive and a little messy, just how I like it.

Fave quote: "One more look in the mirror and he gets the assurance that he doesn't need to be insecure about his body, he knows he'll never fit into everyone's standard but he feels good about himself. That's why girls are crazy for him. He is so sure of himself and it shows."

ONE DANCE. Hyunjin x reader. (s,f)

I never wrote a fic this fast. It's smut with a simple plot and not going to lie, I loved it so much. I'm writing the full fic on this from the mc pov, hope I'll be able to release it soon. And oh I recommend listening to Frank Ocean's Pyramid as you read it.

Fave quote: "His worry replaced with the guilt of ever doubting your feelings for him, but on top of that, he feels the happiest to know that you are his. He's indeed so lucky to have your love for free."

DOTING. Han x reader. (s,f)

It's dorky, awkward, and bizarrely cute (?) I got inspired by an episode of Black Mirror that I come back to from time to time. I promise you it has no grim ending, but you'll learn a lot of new random facts from reading it.

Fave quote: "If humans truly are made of star stuff, he believes you are made from the brightest star in the universe because he refuses to believe that he is made of the same thing. As he stares at your body he changes his mind almost immediately, he believes you are made of outer space and he wants to explore."

GODSPEED. Felix x reader. (s,f,a)

It tells about a relationship that forces one to be out of its comfort zone. I tried to capture every bit of Felix in it and it's my favorite Felix fic second close to Twin Flame. I know there's angst in it but trust me, the pain is worth it in the end.

Fave quote: "You can’t stay stagnant in a relationship just because it feels comfortable. You were too comfortable and that was why the space scared you both."

ONE PROPOSITION. Seungmin x reader. (s,f)

Do you also think that love is just... yuck??? If yes, then let Seungmin change your mind. It's cute but not on the cringe side (or I hope so) it's rom-com worthy and Seungmin is so Seungmin in it with his square shoulders and he's a good kisser and and and...

Fave quote: "Love is some hocus pocus shit, got you completely bewitched."

MILK. I.N x reader. (s,f)

Just like the title itself, a love story that is so simple and sweet. It doesn't have, let's say, 'the happiest of ending' but I like it how it is. A love that asks nothing, it's as pure as milk.

Fave quote: "They remind me that there are still some innocence and purity in this world. And the way they see the world with so much curiosity and full of wonder, I wish I could relive that again,” he said with a sigh.

“To experience everything for the first time all over again,” you added while looking up at the blue sky."

-

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Remember that the greatest love of all is the love you have for yourself, or that's what the one Celine Dion song taught me. ily 🤟🏻💘

[cmbynreviews]

Call Me by Your Name" – A love story fueled by strangers' chemistry

“You’ll be meeting in the man cave”, the publicist said, pushing open the door to the ground floor of a villa set in the lush gardens of the Sunset Marquis.

Previous hotel guests have included members of Aerosmith, Guns N’ Roses and Metallica, and while they might never have visited the man cave, it seemed to bear homage to them, or to hair metal, or to hetero teenage boys, or to something. It had a pool table, a guitar, plenty of booze, a framed print of a nude body-painted woman, and another of a skull enveloped in flames. Darkened windows kept out the California sun.

By any measure, it was a curious spot to interview Timothée Chalamet and Armie Hammer, the stars of Call Me by Your Name, due Nov. 24, a heartbreaking coming-of-age story about two young men who fall in love during an idyllic sunlit Italian summer decades ago.

Arriving at the cave moments later, Mr. Chalamet and Mr. Hammer took in the décor with a few chortles, and then Mr. Hammer beelined to the guitar and began strumming, as Mr. Chalamet threw himself onto a big L-shaped couch. The pair have fallen into an easy camaraderie that extends most places they go. For a good chunk of the film’s shoot last year in northern Italy, and in the days leading up to it, they were often the only ones who spoke English, which helped them forge a connection that crackles through their scenes. They have also been promoting the film together, on and off, since its triumphant premiere earlier this year at Sundance, where it sent festivalgoers into a swoon.

“It’s gotten to the point”, Mr. Hammer said, “where we finish each others’ ——”

“—— sentences”, Mr. Chalamet chimed in.

“Sandwiches”, Mr. Hammer replied.

In the film, which is based on the 2007 novel of the same title by André Aciman, Mr. Chalamet plays Elio, a whipsmart 17-year-old American-Italian who lives with his family in an Italian villa, and Mr. Hammer plays Oliver, a 24-year-old American graduate student who arrives to intern with Elio’s professor father for the summer. Elio is immediately intrigued by Oliver, and soon finds himself torturously in love, and fruitlessly trying to fight it, at least at first. Set in 1983, and directed by Luca Guadagnino, whose previous films include last year’s A Bigger Splash and I Am Love (2010), the film is languid and intoxicating, a visual feast of dappled light, polo shirts and era-appropriate songs, from the Psychedelic Furs and the soundtrack to Flashdance.

Mr. Guadagnino is a master at hitting all five senses, which is one of the reasons critics have warmly embraced the film.

“It is more a terrarium of human experience, a sensory immersion that is remarkably full in its vision”, Richard Lawson wrote in Vanity Fair. He continued, “Each shot is busy with existence, but Guadagnino does not overwhelm”.

What also makes the story quietly remarkable, especially for a film that has traction in the awards race, is that it is simply about two young men who fall for each other, without menacing rednecks wanting to pulverize them or a ravaging disease lurking in wait. “It’s just a love story, and it’s really humanizing”, Mr. Hammer said. “No one gets beat up, no one gets sick, no one has to pay for being gay”.

Though the lovers’ age difference has drawn some attention, the film has largely been a source of deep gratification for its key players. It represents a return to the screen for James Ivory, 89, who wrote the screenplay with echoes of his 1987 love story, Maurice. It is making a name for Mr. Chalamet, who is 21 and strongly tipped for an Oscar nomination. And for Mr. Hammer, 31, the time spent making the film in Italy was, he said, “the most transformative experience” of his professional life.

“I’ve never experienced total immersion like that”, Mr. Hammer said. “I’ve never experienced a sense of safety like that. I’ve never experienced a sense of making yourself so accessible and vulnerable”. He added, “It opened my eyes to a whole new sense of understanding, and life, and what it is to be human”.

He and Mr. Chalamet were cast separately and did not set eyes on each other until they met in Italy, on the set. Mr. Guadagnino said he felt so deeply connected to each actor individually “that I took it for granted they must have a great connection too”.

Mr. Guadagnino found Mr. Chalamet “ingenious”, ambitious and intent on challenging himself in roles, he said, adding, “He never goes for the easy way. He goes the very complicated way”. And the director had been angling to work with Mr. Hammer since the actor appeared as the Winklevoss twins in The Social Network in 2010. “He carries a sense of infectious seductiveness to him, and a buoyancy, and a beauty”, Mr. Guadagnino said. “But it is also intertwined with a very beautiful internal turmoil”.

He was proved right with the actors’ chemistry – their characters’ attraction is shot through with a fraught competitiveness – even though Mr. Chalamet and Mr. Hammer are as strikingly different in person as they are onscreen.

“It was the luck of the universe, or something, that there was just a natural bond as humans”, Mr. Chalamet said.

Mr. Chalamet is slight and pale, a bundle of boyish energy and birdlike alertness, with a delicate face topped by a black tumble of curls. He grew up in Hell’s Kitchen, the son of a former Broadway dancer and a French editor, attended LaGuardia High School of Music & Art and Performing Arts, and appeared in Homeland, Interstellar and the Off Broadway play Prodigal Son.

Mr. Hammer is 6-foot-5, with Ken-doll features (“the textbook guy for shaving-cream commercial looks”, noted GQ), a sardonic mien, and a voice that booms with assuredness and authority. His great-grandfather was an oil tycoon, and he grew up in the Cayman Islands and Los Angeles. He said he wanted to be an actor after seeing Home Alone, when he was 12.

Mr. Chalamet, who also appears in Greta Gerwig’s new film, Lady Bird, said he was drawn to the role because it felt like “an honest look into a young person’s existence”.

“Nobody knows me”, he said, with a laugh, “so it didn’t feel like too much of a risk because it didn’t feel like my performance in this sort of piece of work was being compared to anything else”.

Mr. Hammer had greater trepidation, and was not sure if he was good enough for such a stripped-down, emotionally honest film, with no set pieces or special effects. “This movie lives and dies in the moments between these characters”, he said. There was also a lot of nudity in the original script, though it was revised, and Mr. Hammer, somehow, had never done a sex scene.

He is also a relative newcomer to smaller-budget films. After his appearance in The Social Network, he landed major roles in movies like The Lone Ranger (2013) and The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (2015). But Mr. Hammer found the box-office expectations stifling and the Hollywood machine depressing. “It was like, ‘He’s tall, he’s conventionally handsome, so let’s put him in these big movies and try to build this brand’” he said, “and it just didn’t work”.

He resolved to make smaller films, and his first one was last year’s The Birth of a Nation, which ended up being bittersweet for him, too. The drama, about Nat Turner’s slave rebellion, sold for a record $17 million at Sundance, but was engulfed in controversy after decades-old rape allegations against the filmmaker and star, Nate Parker, emerged. It was a crushing experience that Mr. Hammer said he was still recovering from.

“It seemed clear-cut to me that there was a lot of atoning and apologizing that needed to happen that just didn’t”, Mr. Hammer said, his voice catching. “And that was really tough because we watched this movie that we did, that we all felt was important, just kind of drift away”. (The film’s fall did not dent his career, and while promoting Call Me by Your Name, Mr. Hammer was also filming On the Basis of Sex, a movie starring Felicity Jones as Ruth Bader Ginsburg.)

In the meantime, both men say they have been relishing promoting this film, even if some reactions come from left field, like a tweet by the actor James Woods suggesting the age difference between the characters was pedophilic. “Didn’t you date a 19-year-old when you were 60?” Mr. Hammer wrote back, in a tweet that went viral, to his great surprise. (Mr. Woods began dating a 19-year-old when he was 59.)

“I didn’t think anybody really cared what I said, I didn’t think anybody cared what James Woods said, you know?” Mr. Hammer said.

Mr. Guadagnino said any chatter about the age difference amounted to an “artificial topic”. No one took issue with the age difference in the 1987 film Dirty Dancing, he pointed out, where Jennifer Grey was playing a 17-year-old and Patrick Swayze’s character was 24. Also in Call Me by Your Name, he said, it is Elio who goes after Oliver. “The person who chases is 17”, he said.

Mr. Hammer recalled another surprising reaction. “Someone mentioned to me: ‘Timothée has to put his hand on your crotch in the movie. How did that feel?’ And I was like, do you ask every woman in a movie how it is to have her ass slapped, or her boobs fondled? It’s that double standard kind of thing”.

Mr. Chalamet interjected, “I’ve been very encouraged by the nature of the conversations that I’ve had, and by the lack of questions that are tunnel-visioned in their understanding of sexuality and life and love”.

Mr. Hammer said, “Because the reality is, Timmy grabs my crotch all the time”.

CARA BUCKLEY | THE NEW YORK TIMES | 17 Nov 2017 | (Photo: Ryan Pfluger)

[afrofairysblog]

We shall continue speaking this into existence EVERYBODY

mirroring each other

[beverlymunoz]

Profile of a possible savior: Eric Musselman

From Wolf Pack to Wolfpack?

Oh, Nevada. I’m shaking my fist at you, Nevada. Plagiarizer of nicknames. Taker of twins. Perhaps it is time for us to take from you. Alas, what could you possibly have that we would want? Well, would you look at that? The two-word Wolf Pack have themselves an intriguing basketball coach. We need a basketball coach. Could Eric Musselman be the savior for the one-word Wolfpack?

Important Questions, In Rough Order Of Importance:

1. Has he coached teams that have won a national title, made multiple deep NCAA tournament runs, and/or consistently been highly ranked?

Musselman’s coaching experience is mostly from the professional ranks, but he did win a national title of sorts last year in his first season with Nevada. The Wolf Pack beat Morehead State in overtime to win the CBI championship.

Admittedly, this isn’t the sort of banner we’re looking to hang in the rafters, but it’s not Musselman’s lone championship. Remember the USBL? Musselman won USBL championships in both his seasons there and holds the defunct league’s highest career winning percentage, a ridiculous .946. He also holds impressive marks in the CBA (270-122) and the D-League (77-30), where he was once coach of the year, as well.

2. Has he built a program from the ground up?

This would appear to be the case at Nevada, where the Martin twins will play for him starting next year (assuming Musselman is still in Reno). The Wolf Pack had a lot of success under Mark Fox a decade ago but were a raging dumpster fire when Musselman took over, having had three losing seasons in a row.

3. Has he substantially improved the program from when he took over?

Oh yes. Nevada won 15 more games in his first season at the helm than it had the previous season. The KenPom rank jumped from 271st to 124th in one season. That’s stunning. The Wolf Pack have taken another huge step this year, rising to 70th.

4. Has he succeeded at more than one head coaching job?

The Nevada gig is Musselman’s first as a head man at the NCAA level. He was wildly successful at numerous minor league jobs as a professional coach. And, of course, he was an NBA head coach, though that didn’t turn out quite so well. Musselman was 108-138 in three seasons in the NBA, two with Golden State and one with Sacramento. The Warriors did have a 17-game improvement in his first year on the sidelines, their most wins (38) in almost a decade, and Musselman was runner-up to Greg Popovich for NBA COY. His star was extraordinarily bright, but it flamed out quickly.

5. Does he have significant high-major experience as either a head coach or an assistant?

On the college level, Musselman was an assistant coach for HWSNBN at Arizona State. He also looked on in horror as Big Beefy dropped that sweet lefty hook to jettison LSU from the Big Dance. He left his assistant gig at LSU for Nevada, and LSU immediately started sucking despite having ESPN-anointed GOAT Ben Simmons.

Musselman has also piloted both the Dominican and Venezuelan national teams.

He was an assistant for five different NBA franchises, and worked under some pretty impressive names in the world of basketball, such as Chuck Daly, Mike Fratello, and Lon Kruger.

Musselman’s father, Bill, built Minnesota into a college power in the 70s. Attendance at Golden Gopher games rose over 400% during the elder Musselman’s term. Years later, Bill also guided South Alabama to the tournament after an impressively quick turnaround of a terrible team. Arizona narrowly avoided a first-round loss to the Jags on its way to a national championship. Dad won over 65% of his games as a D-I college coach but did not enjoy success after his move to the NBA, where Eric was for a time his assistant.

6. Is his team one of the best in its conference right now?

Nevada is tied with Colorado State at 11-4 atop the Mountain West standings and 22-6 overall. The Wolf Pack are 16 spots ahead of San Diego State for tops in the league in KenPom’s rankings. The MWC is not a bad league, ranking 10th in conference RPI out of 32. Nevada is 40th in RPI this morning and may well not need to win the MWC to get in the tournament.

7. Do his teams actually play, what is this thing called, "defense"?

Musselman’s reputation is more “offensive guru” than “defensive-minded,” but his first Nevada team went from 211th the year prior to 57th in AdjD. I don’t have enough superlatives to even try to quantify that. Alas, though the other Pack have continued to rise overall as a program in year two, their defense has slipped to outside the top 100. Still, Mark Gottfried’s Pack are 226th at this moment in AdjD, so it’s nice to imagine Musselman pulling off that kind of instant turnaround here.

For what it’s worth, his first Golden State team had the worst defensive rating in the NBA but did improved 11 spots in year two under Musselman. The Kings (22nd/30) were pretty bad defensively as well.

8. So how about offense?

You see the same rise in offensive performance at Nevada, though the big leap was in year two. The KenPom AdjO ranks: 291st (pre-Musselman), 210th, 46th. That there is 245 spots in two seasons. It’s as if he focused chiefly on defense the first year to be competitive while he put the pieces in place to run a more aesthetically pleasing brand of basketball. That has meant pumping the brakes a bit this year. Nevada was actually 31st in pace of play in his first season but have dialed it back to 130th this season. Still, you are not going to get any sort of Virginia molasses business with this dude. In his opening press conference in Reno, he said he told his new team that they won’t need to worry about the shot clock since he doesn’t have any sets that take 30 seconds to run.

His offenses in the NBA were above average, including taking the Warriors from 21st to 3rd in team offensive rating in his first season. They were the second highest scoring team in the league. He doesn’t necessarily have a system or style he prefers but rather molds his offenses to his player’s strengths, though he would always aim to be a fast-breaking operation if possible.

9. Any indication that he can recruit McDonald’s All-American-type players?

Musselman was instrumental in landing Simmons at LSU, and his vast NBA experience would certainly be useful on the recruiting path. His two-man freshman class this year was solid by MWC standards, as both pledges were just outside the top 100 overall. Devearl Ramsey had numerous high major offers (including one from NC State), and Josh Hall held a couple of ACC offers. Both Ramsey and Hall, who is a Texan, also spurned Shaka Smart to play for Musselman.

He doesn’t have a single class of 2017 signee at this moment, but that is somewhat mitigated by the impending arrival of the Martin twins, who of course were both four-star recruits. He has 21 offers out for 2018 recruits, including a number of top 100 players. He will bring in talent.

10. Does he have any connection to NC State, North Carolina, or the ACC?

No, not really, though I don’t think this is an overwhelming concern. If he did put on a red tie, I would love to see him bring in an assistant with more local ties. Levi Watkins would seem like a potentially great fit.

11. Any other random red flags or positives?

Other than the lack of ACC connection, if that bothers you, there are some potential red flags. His dad left Minnesota with about a million NCAA violations. But, that was his dad, and that was a long, long time ago. Still, does the apple fall far from the tree?

Musselman is no whippersnapper. The preference of POAPS readers seems to be for a coach in his late 30s to early 40s; he’ll be 52 at the start of next season.

He hired Yann Hufnagel at Nevada after the former Cal assistant had to resign amid allegations of sexual harassment.

The final concern is whether State could keep him. A self-described “basketball gypsy,” if he enjoys success at the collegiate level, will Musselman parlay that into another shot in the NBA?

All of the above are legitimate concerns, but I don’t think they outweigh the positives. His former players rave about how he helped them develop their games, about how intense and competitive he is, but how he teaches and coaches in a positive way. His list of former D-League players to make it in the NBA is long, and player development has been, at best, uneven of late at NC State. Musselman can legitimately sell “I can get you ready for the NBA” in the recruiting realm.

The guy has been coaching since age 23, has the best winning percentage in USBL history, the second best winning percentage in CBA history, won a record 100 games as a pro coach before age 28, and his college team, San Diego, posted its best record in program history when he was a player there. He’s a winner who has certainly absorbed a vast amount of X’s and O’s knowledge during his life on the court and on the sidelines.

Summary:

Would he be better than Gottfried?

Like I wrote regarding Tim Jankovich, I think Musselman could beat Gott’s players with his players, or his players with Gott’s players. His diverse experience should allow him to tailor a plan to fit his players rather than trying to shoehorn them into an archaic system. And, even if he’s not a sure bet to develop an elite defense, Musselman would do more than pay lip service to it. He’s a better and more proven coach in terms of X’s and O’s, and recruiting shouldn’t be an issue at NC State. I feel like his floor would be Gottfried’s ceiling: a very good offense with a defense just good enough to pull off an occasional sweet 16 run.

OK, so what is his ceiling?

Due to his age and the possibility of wanting to return to the NBA, I don’t think you can dream on Musselman establishing a 20-year run of being a top 25 team, or some such thing, as you might with a Miller or Wade. But, in the short term, I think he would have the ability to keep the team together and lead an immediate turnaround.

He would make Wolfpack-east a tournament team again, and we’re not talking CBI. Even if it was just the CBI, his success in a tournament environment is promising. As a long-time NBA guy, he certainly has experience quickly imparting scouting reports and motivating teams to play on a quick turnaround. The window might be limited due to age and possible higher ambitions, but the ceiling would be unlimited when he returned the real Pack to the real tournament.

Would he take the job if offered?

If money talks. He’s on a five-year, two-million dollar deal at Nevada. He would likely surpass the total value of that deal in one year in Raleigh. It’s hard to imagine that a guy with his competitiveness and drive wouldn’t want to coach at college basketball’s highest level.

How would I feel if he were hired?

He’s not my first choice, but I would be pretty geeked. Musselman strikes me as a grownup. After the last decade, that’s what this program needs.

How would the fan base as a whole feel if he were hired?

If this was 2003, Musselman would be one of those guys that the talking heads would scoff at us for even considering. The guy was coming off being runner-up in the NBA for coach of the year and seemed poised for a long, successful run in The League. His star has dimmed since then, but his quick success at Nevada shows that he can be an effective college coach. Of course some might equate him with Sidney Lowe, a failed NBA coach who didn’t pan out for the Pack, but there are clear differences, chiefly that Musselman wouldn’t be coming in with no college coaching and recruiting experience, and that Musselman’s pro résumé, be it from the minor leagues or the NBA, is more impressive.

Our thinking is so wired for “young, up-and-coming mid-major coach or Gregg Marshall” that it might come as an initial shock, but, with some time to digest it, I believe most would be pleased with the hire. Ultimately, the next coach will win or lose the fans on the court.

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[afrofairysblog]

This is definitely canon!!! They are just two lonely, socially awkward people trying to find someone who understands them, and they find that with each other (while also finding their chosen family along the way 🥹)

The bear is about two lonely kids

I am rewatching some of s2. When Syd is talking about the restaurant and says “I am not alone like in your house, I have a partner” man than line has been haunting me. Wondering why having a partner is so important for both Carmy and Syd.

We know how lonely Carmy’s childhood was, plus the chaos in his house and how that made him super scared to talk with other people. If you had a parent that screamed at you when you spoke, you gradually will lose desire to speak at all. Not to mention the unpredictable nature of an alcoholic parent. He mentioned multiple times he didn't have any friends.

I wonder how much of this he could have in common with Syd. Did she had a lonely childhood too? Is she lonely now? We don't ever see or talk to any friends. If she had good childhood friends she would have keep them. Not to mention this kind of job doesn't let a lot of free time. I will bet more on the fact that she was a lonely kid. She is just like Carm in the shy department, she just never learned masking it with anger or aggression.

Many of the audience seems to think in Syd like this looser and yet there is nothing that has made me cringe more in this show that Carmy in that frat party. It seemed like he had no dignity on him. Not to be a shit to Carmen, as an Autistic person, I have felt very disoriented in social interactions. And being a kid that never was able to fit in, one may dream of being someone else, wich is what that party was for Carmy, an outlet to live his teenhood fantasies, potential girlfriend included. But I admire Sydney for standing for herself in very toxic environments, she is not a punching bag.

The hierarchy of the kitchen is the most Carmen had feel in control of a social environment, without it he seems to feel toothless, specially in hanging with people that are not related or employed by him.

I just wanted to touch on this detail. S2 stars with both of them failing to hang out. And Carmy didn't run back to the restaurant in esp 2x01 until he saw no messages in response. His work obsession is direct response to how empty his life is outside it. I wonder if they will explore this with Syd as well.

Maybe this is the part that I like the most about Sydcarmy deep down, two lonely (rejected) kids becomj BFFs and then falling in love.

[afrofairysblog]

They are each other's balance

Complementing each other ☯️

I'm rewatching random Sydcarmy scenes for a fic I'm writing and even though I had picked up on it since day 1 and kinda went over this concept here already, only now I can articulate it enough to use it in a fic from this more comprehensive perspective:

Syd is territorial, posesive. She doesn't wanna share. What she has, she wants to keep for herself and herself only. She holds her ground. And then tries to make it grow. She nurtures it. She failed at that with Sheridan Rd, but that's what she tried to do in her father's garage (no new territory, familiar one).

Carm is a conqueror, a challenger. He loves a challenge, conquering new territories (Europe, CA, NYC, not familiar territory, new one), opening new restaurants (on familiar territory but after having torn everything down "that wasn't a facelift anymore"), and expanding. He doesn't hold his ground, he goes and finds himself a new one. Builds it if he has to. And then waits for the other shoe to drop.

Yet both follow rules and thrive on discipline, that's their comfort zone, the common one. On that common ground, they discover each other and find they are what they need, and I'm not talking about a need that comes from not being enough and having the other one complete them, no, I'm talking about balancing each other out and thus growing. Improving each other. Being better together than apart. So they acknowledge that they make each other better. And hopefully, eventually, they will acknowledge more than that. But for now, they are there. The other thing they have in common is their creativity.

I believe that through creating together, which they are already doing, btw, they will find their way to each other in that only other way they haven't yet.

So it wouldn't be too crazy to believe that the dish they will create together, which I think will earn them a star and other awards, especially in Syd's case, because he already has his but there's an imbalance that needs to be balanced out, will do the trick. In other words: I believe that either while they are creating it in the kitchen or after they win the star for it, they will take it to the next level. It's symbolic enough to make sense that they get together that way, it's also kinda poetic...

Honestly, as long as it happens, IDC how it happens. But I have the feeling that once they create the perfect dish together, balancing the flavor profile perfectly, (he's the acid, she's the licorice), they will "taste" each other too, not just that dish.

And that dish will be their golden ticket in more ways than one.

[sondermarzipan]

Part 2 This piece contains mentions of war, suicide, death, and grotesque imagery. It is not an easy read, but it is true.

55. Pneumonia 56. When she dies, he frantically asks for you. 57. Your response is too little too late. 58. You learn to be very careful with your words, because loving the man with the dead girlfriend is a selfish thing. 59. An accidental flirtatious remark has gone from a circus of unintended comedy to a landmine in a graveyard. You will have to remove the blue heart emojis that pepper your messages lest you find yourself reopening graves. 60. He will mourn. In doing so, he disappears from friendships and the world for a long while. He will sleep, or try to. Eat or drink little. Watch the ceiling for signs that everything is only a dream that will end any moment. 61. Let secondhand mourning and absence creep in, where you pace your breaking heart end to end, waiting. Where you let yourself grow restless in the loss of control. Where the scent of concern fills every waking moment like a sickly sweet perfume. The dead don’t rise, but they still are gnawing at our minds in their absence. 62. You have allowed Rafael’s anguish to burrow under your skin along with the stinging comfort of your time together. Now, you must try and dig it out, reckon with it. To tear it from the flesh of your still-beating heart. These talks with others are your search to identify this strange feeling that the anguish has awoken in you. There is an unknown tenderness clawing from within the cage of your soul, rattling the mausoleum where you have for so long not dared to feel with such fire. 63. The embers of emotion had already begun smoldering into a flickering flame, but his absence has poured gasoline on the fire, and in its acrid emptiness you begin to talk- letting your mutual friends in to observe your internal circus as it springs to life. They do not yet have comment, for they are too shocked by the presence of: a. Combat b. Absentee parents c. A gunshot to the head d. Irreversible brain damage e. A hint of great loneliness and loss f. And a dead girlfriend 64. He will stay in his home as you fill your words with worry. You tell some friends too much and some friends too little. Some give good advice and some are only passerby to your torrent: the pallbearers of your grief tango with stumbling strangers, familiar to grief and love but not to yours. They never know what to say- a chorus of awkward nods and widened eyes. 65. You can’t blame them: It’s a strange, broken story, isn’t it? 66. Buy him Metro Exodus. 67. That’s a video game. You may not be familiar with it, but it was on his wishlist. 68. Wait, knowing that pain will never completely subside. 69. Wait, holding tightly to the knowledge that, some 5,272 miles away his heart, as broken as it is, still beats. 70. In that waiting, your mutual friends will dethaw from their shocked state

71. Discover: Through the whispered words of those friends and the quiet gentle laughter, drag your heart up into your throat until your eyes can see the way it thumps. Listen to the allegations and no longer cast them aside. When they say he is your yin and yang, let the laughter subside. Your eyes widen in bouncing realization. You do not know what to say. 72. Things they call the two of you include: a. Yin and Yang b. Best friends c. Soulmates d. Twin Flames e. “Wait, you aren’t together?” 73. Do you know what it means to love him? 74. In frantic pursuit, you beg others for advice. 75. Remember you have a boyfriend at the time. 76. They say to tell them both, so you do. 77. Rafael doesn't quite get it- or tries to ignore it- at first. You morph your heart into his language, in the most raw honesty and abrupt truth you can imagine. “Te amo”. What a foolish thing, to use language that is not yours, knowing those words have the power of a knife's edge, a strength we don’t seem to possess in our English. Words you could most closely connect as “you are my whole heart, my adoration”. It is “I love you” but it is also more. 78. After a moment of typing that you imagine as stunned silence Rafael laughs and asks you why, so you tell him. 79. You tell him that you’ve seen the kindness even in his cruelty- his desperation to keep you from the great harms and dangers of the world. This dance of danger is a safe one, a ropes bridge with safety nets, while his has been one of agony and loss. In this safe battleground you have found yourself powerful and bold. You have found yourself flourishing. The fear of the big dangerous world has subsided with his cautions and words, exchanged in a tango of philosophy and morality that has left you alive. 80. In him, you have found life and truth. He does not hold you like a fragile flower in his words. In the back and forth you share you find yourself competent. His insults wash off your back where before they would have sunk beneath your skin. In his stinging remarks you feel accomplished, as though he knows you are strong enough to handle such things. 81. You’ve seen beneath the soldier’s fatigues, too. There is a man with a devotion to humanity that terrifies him. There is the heart of the man who twice nearly died for his country and holds the willingness to do so again. There is the man who assertively spoke on your behalf, in a game of D&D, explaining exactly what you meant when you said you didn’t want themes of torture in the game. There is a man who called you on impulse, when your car broke down in the rain- you called it a storm, in his mind, a hurricane (It was really just a rain). There is the man who you feel with a certainty would fight for you, if you could not fight for yourself, yet instead of seizing control pushes you to take up that mantle on your own. 82. You love that goodness and that fight and his love of cooking and camping and storytelling. 83. You love the way he still holds respect for family. If anyone should not, it is him, who was left like a forgotten plaything to grow faded in the sun by those who should have adored him. It should be him, left alone on Christmas and his birthday, who struggles to listen and be attentive at a family dinner. It should be him who struggles with honor and love, but it is not. He reminds you to be respectful– and despite the pain that rests in your heart from the cracking of damaged people creating damaged families, you find that beautiful. 84. You love his passion and devotion to sharing it. The way he sends pictures of his cats all curled up and content and the way he could spend hours explaining the intricate workings of a gun or military operation. The way he is open and honest and raw, yet holds depths that ignite your curiosity and force you to trust in the unknown. 85. In that, you love him.

86. He doesn’t say much after that. 87. There is a silent understanding that you won’t act upon it, in the way death creates a promise between people. You cannot act upon it because his heart is still in tatters. You cannot act upon it because to do so would be cruel. Instead, you pour your heart into quiet letters that explain the emotions that ricochet across your innards when he speaks with you, painting a picture of how he twists your guts and quickens your heart. 88. Yet Rafael does not answer your proclamation. You will not know what he thinks of you. 89. In a way, you will know, by his actions. 90. Your boyfriend says he knew. He says you and Rafael are platonic soulmates. He says he is not concerned. 91. He should have been. 92. Break up with him. You will all remain friends in a roundabout way. Sometimes Rafael still disappears for long heart wrenching whiles, but you will find it in yourself to trust him in his absence. 93. You will be content in this quiet friendship, knowing that it is the best for all of you. To ask a man to love you in ignorance of the distance that divides you, or the challenge, or the grief is not something you’d think reasonable. 94. Despite the truth and logic, you will not shake the feeling that has rooted itself in your heart. You will not understand why you spend late nights with his words embedded in your dreams. You will not know what it is in detail that overwhelms you and revitalizes you. You will stand on the edge of loving him and wonder who will be the one to fall if you take the plunge. 95. To tell a man you love him is to risk cutting open his soul. It is open heart surgery where everything tastes of iron and fear. It is a caress with burning embers. It is to breathe in his heartbeat and to move in his words. It is to reopen the wounds and lap at the blood in a vampiric frenzy. Sitting with your scarred soul admiring his bloodied one, like a vulture circles the sweet scent of carrion. It is sick with decay and pleasure. It is a solemn observance that his pain in this has been and will always be greater than yours. 96. Sometimes, despite your usual banter, a compliment will slip from his lips. 97. Want to tell him again. 98. This isn’t a zombie apocalypse love story. 99. This isn’t a love story 100. I love you

Zombies (How to Tell a Man You Love Him)

Warning: The following piece contains mentions of war, suicide, death, and generally grotesque imagery. It is not an easy read, but it is true. Note: Tumblr formatting is hell

Part 1:

1. Meet Rafael 2. It will happen in a little online community with a love of video games, particularly Project Zomboid, a game that, on it’s opening screen, proclaims ‘this is how you died’ 3. Listen to a hundred stories in a month. He will start telling them to you as you take interest in his characters and writing. Let them fill your mind and soul, swirling pain and joy and everything in between. 4. Write a few yourself. 5. Most are Zombie Apocalypse Stories 6. Some have love, too. 7. Watch as each moment grows longer, later into the night. Let your eyes grow heavy while this newness shivers in your veins. Hours upon hours of simple moments ambling together to form a treasure trove of peace. 8. It is easy to talk about pain when you add zombies into the mix 9. Grow in comfort and consistency. 10. Let the zombies drip away from the stories. Let hot pain cool enough to escape your choked throats. He will include the following things: a. Combat b. His absentee parents and your misguided ones c. A gunshot to the head d. Irreversible brain damage e. And a hint of great loneliness and loss

11. Let banter develop into a vicious whirlwind of casual affectionate cruelty. The others in your group will become confused by the contentment in this raucous display, but you will know it intimately. Empty battles fought across these safe spaces, whittling away your resolve to be cautious or hesitant. 12. Feel your insecurities bleed away against this verbal surgery- melting on the lips of another’s fierce critiques- He is your fool and you are his idiot- together in a wicked spin, bloodletting until the pain dries up. 13. Together you have the freedom to be reckless, rude, and callous. Together you have the knowledge that your recklessness, rudeness, and callousness will not be met with more pain. It is freeing, like the thrill of walking the ropes course. It reminds you of flying, or standing on the edge of a canyon. 14. You are an addict to the thrill, to the drama, to the dance. Know, in all logical standpoints, that this should be suffocating. Know your fears of aggression have vanished on the tongue of a stranger only tied to you through the code strings of text and audio intertwining each other like cold robotic corpses that, together, you breathe life into. 15. In cold and empty threats feel warmth and honesty. 16. Let a feeling of power flood through your veins as he persuades you to stand up for yourself. Let your heart bubble with boiling confidence unlike any you have known before. You will not understand how this outward viciousness creates in the two of you unparalleled peace and confidence but you will know it to be true. 17. It was always in you. 18. Embolden yourselves in this tightrope walk. 19. Admire him as the boy who walked miles to school every day to learn in the intense brazilian heat. The boy who taught himself two languages. The boy who saw Disney World as his aunt’s translator. It is impressive, for a child- and even still, as only a young man just scraping into his twenties, it remains an accomplishment. The way he weaves words together- you would never know English was not his first language. He wields it with beauty. Perhaps it is in the reverence of what English means- of the opportunities it affords. 20. Know that there are two ways to afford opportunity: Education and combat. 21. He will tell you about both. 22. Listen as the gory details spill out of his mouth. He describes the way the Guarani were ovens on wheels in the summer heat, leaving sweaty soldiers inside with the top hatch wide open, hoping a passing enemy wouldn’t toss a frag grenade inside. 23. In Brasil, combat doesn’t mean war. 24. Combat is the back and forth of the cartels in the streets, overlaid with funk music to cloak the pangs of gunfire. 25. Think that he is awfully young to have seen such combat. 26. He talks about his friend 27. His legs were blown off and Rafael, shitting his pants in adrenaline and terror, saved his life. He wanted to be something you will forget: A doctor or a lawyer or a scientist. 28. He killed himself in the hospital.

29. Think about loneliness 30. It’s an easy thing to have when his mother was an apparition, only visible in his childhood home in the corner of his eye- a fleeting, distant thing- more of an absent memory, even still, than a living fount of love. 31. You’ve seen his messages from before- before the combat, before the loneliness truly crept in. The open happiness, splayed out across texts and friends you haven’t known. They’re uninfected, pure- they’re not the messages of lost friends and unimaginable brutality. 32. It’s a hard thing, to imagine someone so changed again knowing love. 33. Rejoice in tandem when he meets a girl, in the most Hallmark way you’ve ever imagined- crying on the side of the road, comforted by a stranger. How that moment led to such things will seem impossible, in retrospect. A flap of a butterfly’s wings- a chance encounter. 34. In friendship, the escape from loneliness into the sanctuary of love is celebrated. In friendship, it is no threat. It is a sweet honey that runs down one's throat, untainted yet by the burning bourbon of heartache. When you have not yet realized you love a man you do not fear his love- you love her the same. She becomes a part of your heart as much as he is, a swirling circling truth that doesn’t yet explain the leaping of heartbeats when a new word leaves his lips. 35. There is a stinging beauty to this unknown love, the wholeness of his happiness reflected on your heart. In this moment, you are entirely happy. In this moment, unaware of the trembling scaffolds that hold your heart steady, you are in bliss watching his happily ever after unfold. 36. He will worry about the implausibility of love in the face of: a. Combat b. Absentee parents c. A gunshot to the head d. Irreversible brain damage e. And a hint of great loneliness and loss. 37. In your unknown admiration, you will insist that he is worthy, capable, and enough- that she will see as much or face the unfortunate loss of his presence if she fails to look. 38. Sometimes, you forget how much pain can make a man look like a corpse- as used to the days of trembling fear, or whispering pain, or bedrest drawn from the mind rather than the body as you are. 39. You understand better than most these things- you’ve known anxiety, and pain, and fear. Certainly, you care to understand it. Sometimes, still, you forget how much greater his hurdles are- you stand and push against the mountain.

40. Offer him advice when she propositions him. Ask him if he wants it- he only wants cuddles- and tell him to say as much. 41. You won’t notice the twang of your heart in knowing another who prefers the intimacy of being held to the flame of intercourse 42. You’ve never cared for the concept of sex. Perhaps this is why you assume it an odd gesture for someone to so quickly proposition another. Wonder if perhaps she is testing him, to see if he has accepted her advances out of lust or out of love. Don’t say this aloud, though you will consider it. 43. Rafael passes her test. 44. In a whirlwind of happiness, he spends the next months in bliss. He will go camping with her. Let her put a scarf on his cat. Acquire an increasing number of shoes and shampoos beyond comprehension. Eat an aloe vera whole and get sick. Cook a number of lovely meals. Meet her asshole friends. Leave the festival early. Take her things from her apartment after her asshole friends break them. Offer her sanctuary and comfort and love. Let her coax his restless mind to sleep. Gain some respite from the nightmares. Translate so despite the language barrier the whole friend group can all play some truth or dare. Show her the pictures of your cat. Correct your poor attempts to learn her- and his- language– Bom dia, amigo, boa noite. Tell you how impossibly and utterly in love he is. Show her the little doodles you make of the two of them. Comfort her. Love her. 45. Let his romantic high lift your heart too, in a secondhand joy that smokes anxious thoughts from your heart until only honey is left pumping through your veins, so sugary and honest that if a vampire dared to suck your ecstasy he would be left comatose. 46. You must only banter in English, because if you banter in your broken Portuguese you sound like you’re flirting. 47. “Mommy Issues” is not a flirtatious remark, but somewhere between your two cultures and identities and lives he will mistake it as such. 48. “Hola Gatão” is a flirtatious remark, but you weren’t talking to him, you were talking to his cat, sitting behind him. Literally it means “Hello fat cat”. When you tell other portuguese speakers this story, their reaction is a universal, cringe filled “ohhhhh…”. His was a shocked “NO. NO. NO.”. 49. You will love her in a secondhand way, because she makes him happy, and yet you feel her smile through the glowing text on the screen. You feel her heart through the exchanges Rafael shares. You want to be her friend so desperately that you thrust yourself into language learning with a reckless abandon. She knows little of you– you are Rafael’s notification in the night, the funny little American who plays funny little games. In that moment of truth or dare, you feel as though she could change the world, paint over the pains felt and create something new and beautiful. 50. When she comforts him from the quiet terror that builds from the sound of funk, or of crowds, you will know she is a beautiful soul. In a secondhand way, you will love her for that. 51. Your soul is by comparison a rather twisted and macabre one. In it, you discover the beautiful broken people and hang them up on the walls of your heart, admiring the strange beauty in what is shattered but yet persists. You will not know if it is your own brokenness that sees beauty in such things– perhaps born from the great human desire to be beautiful– or some other unknown thing. Regardless, it is in the elegant broken bone of the soul that you find beauty. It is in what others refuse to find beautiful. 52. Perhaps, in the way so many things you do are, your love is fueled by spite of what others believe impossible. 53. When she gets sick, he will take her to the hospital. He will worry endlessly and bring her his laptop so she is less bored. He will visit her. He will think it cancer- or something else. He will expect the worst. 54. You try to insist things will be alright.