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buckyownsmylife · 2 years ago

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Where have you gone? - Steve Rogers smut

The one where you disappear and Steve isn’t easy to forgive

Warnings: distant/distracted sex

A/N: This is a part of my A Shared Future Universe

Steve’s P.O.V.

I was beyond myself in anger. I don’t think I’d ever been this furious in my entire life. Granted, I’d never felt as powerless and vulnerable, as scared to lose someone as I stood in that moment, waiting for the quinjet to come back to the Tower.

It wasn’t supposed to be a dangerous mission, but she wasn’t supposed to go either. It’d been too long since we had heard from Bucky - who had left two months before in a super-secret mission either of us couldn’t know what was about - and I knew she worried because I worried too.

But I wasn’t about to leave on a mission that wasn’t mine, without letting her know, just in the hopes of hearing anything from him.

All I needed was to know she was okay. A message had come through - someone had gotten pretty hurt in the factory that was supposed to be abandoned, and all I needed was to know she wasn’t the one who would need medical assistance.

One glance. One glance and I’d leave.

It seemed to take hours for the quinjet to appear on the horizon, and then stop at the tower. The seconds it took for the door to open were the worst torture I ever had to endure. Finally - finally - the ramp was down and there they were - the soldiers and my girlfriend, who was helping someone out of the ship by keeping one of their arms over her shoulder while Natasha did the same with the other one.

So she wasn’t the one hurt.

Good.

Not bearing to stand there for even a second longer, I turned on my heels and left, but not without catching a glance of her expression as realization hit her about how I was feeling.

It was nothing compared to how I’d been these last three weeks.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I was expecting him to be angry, of course. That much is understandable. I knew I’d screwed up, the guilt had weighed heavily on me after the first night. But it’s not like I could go back or reach out to him in any way.

I just didn’t expect this approach to my screw up. The radio silence. The lack of… well, anything.

I thought he would be pissed, but I expected him to yell at me, not avoid me. I tried to tell myself he’d be waiting for me at my floor, knowing I needed to help Smith to the medical floor, but when I opened the door to find an empty apartment, I wasn’t really that surprised.

Exhaling a shaky breath, I forced myself to go through the motions of my routine before I decided on the best course of action to make it up to Steve. Deciding to pretend nothing had happened was probably dumb, but I didn’t know what else to do by the time I was ready for bed, and I definitely didn’t want to infuriate him further by avoiding him completely.

So when I walked into his apartment, I went directly to his lap, having found him sitting on the sofa, pretending to watch some movie.

I say pretending because it was clear by the way his biceps bulged and his jaw clenched that he was as far from relaxed as it was possible. So I figured I had the perfect way to help him.

“Hey there,” I grinned, rubbing myself against his crotch. “I missed you.” He couldn’t hold back anymore. A scoff escaped his lips, and although it initially shocked me - I’d never seen Steve act this way, much less with me - I wasn’t about to give up now.

“I’m so happy to be back.” I was trying very hard to flirt with him, but he wasn’t giving me anything. Well, that wasn’t really the truth. I did get a scoff and an eye roll, but Steve, stubborn as ever, still insisted on ignoring me, eyes fixated on the TV, as if I wasn’t even there.

“C’mon, now!” I complained. “I thought you had missed me.” That got me a reaction, but it was very clearly the wrong thing to say. A hand wrapped around my hair and pulled me back, his lips very close to mine, but still not touching my skin.

“Do you have any idea what it was like to look for you, only to learn you’d ran off to a mission without so much as a goodbye?” I shivered at the pain I could hear in his voice, the hurt that was visible in his eyes. “What if you had died there? How did you think I would feel?”

I never considered the possibility, of course. I didn’t even intended it to take that long. It was supposed to be a quick recon mission, a possibility of finding about Bucky’s whereabouts, but as the days passed and I realized I had no way of contacting Steve, I grew gloomier and gloomier, certain I would meet my end without kissing him one last time.

I just hadn’t stopped to think he would have been feeling much the same, without any of the certainties I had about his whereabouts.

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice it?” He insisted, brushing some strands that had been covering my face so they’d be gathered in the fake ponytail he was using to hold me. “Did you think I wouldn’t miss you?”

I knew better than to answer that. But as Steve finally gave me the attention I wanted, I felt the indisputable wetness that he provoked so easily in me start to gather against the thin fabric of my shorts, and the hardness that his body provided was too much for my poor mind to hold back from a habit that was all-too-carved in me.

I rocked my cunt against his hard-on instinctively, biting my lip as I prayed he wouldn’t notice, knowing he already had. “Then punish me,” I quietly begged, because it was the only thing I could think to offer right then - the only option that would give me what I needed, even though it wouldn’t be exactly how I wanted it. “C’mon, Steve. I really am sorry.”

But he had already made up his mind. “It’s too late to apologize now.” His beautiful face was all hard lines as he sentenced me to my fate. “Go to sleep,” he ordered, at the very least nodding towards the bedroom the three of us had been sharing since that night so many moons ago. “I need some space.”

My hand hung low as I resigned myself to the fate he was prescribing me. Climbing down from his lap, I made my way towards the bedroom, my feet dragging against the floor because I hoped he would stop him.

As I threw him one last glance from over my shoulder, I realized that wasn’t happening. He was going to force me to be as alone as I’d made him be, and I couldn’t really say that I blamed him.

But try as I might, I couldn’t sleep.

How could I? I’d grown accustomed to the weight of his body dipping the mattress beside me It was the reason why I couldn’t close my eyes during the entire mission, the reason why I was so dead tired and intended to sleep for 24h straight.

And yet, I couldn’t find it in me to do just that. Not when he was so close to me, and might as well have been a thousand times apart. He said he wanted to be alone, but I couldn’t handle being away from him. Not anymore.

Throwing the sheets out of the way, I patted my way back towards the living room, finding Steve exactly as I’d left him, eyes fixated on the game even though his body was so tense, it was obvious that he wasn’t actually watching it.

“Please, come to bed,” I begged, knowing he’d heard me approach, forcing myself to stay back at least initially, in the hopes he’d come to me. When he remained silent, I knew we were still a long way from him ever forgiving me.

He was determined to ignore me, and he was well in his right. But that didn’t mean I had to just sit back and let him sulk and pout forever.

I had my own methods of getting Steve to forgive me, and I was going to take full advantage of it.

“C’mon, Captain…” I approached him carefully, trying to make the slow movement as sensuous as possible. The fact that I was only wearing one of his shirts was hopefully helping my intent as I made my way towards him, until I was close enough to climb on his lap.

He didn’t oppose it, which I counted as a win.

But he didn’t really acknowledge me either, so I knew I had to step it up.

“I missed you, Stevie…” I breathed out against his cheek, rubbing myself against the very hard outline of a cock I was desperate to feel inside of me. “Your little slut missed you…” At the sound of the degrading word falling from my lips, his cock twitched underneath me. It was the sign that I needed to keep going despite his lack of explicit enthusiasm.

“I missed your big cock stretching me open,” I confessed, trying not to pant despite how fantastic the little stimulation of dragging my pussy against his jeans felt after weeks without any sort of release. “You make me feel so good… You always make me feel so good, baby.”

His arm jolted up instinctively before he could force it down again, but I understood what he wanted. So I pulled his hand towards the apex of my thighs, forcing his fingers to swipe through my wetness as I bit my lip to stop a smile from brightening my expression.

I should be looking remorseful, not proud of myself from getting the tiniest reaction from my boyfriend.

“Don’t you want to fuck me?” I pressed, desire dripping onto his palm just from having his fingers touching me somewhat. I couldn’t feel embarrassed by how much I needed him. I couldn’t stop until he forgave me.

He helped me get his jeans down by lifting his hips, but the second his cock was released, he was back against the couch like nothing was happening. But that was okay. His member - red and leaking - told me a different story, the story I needed to hear that evening.

Taking him in my pussy after so long without any sort of stretch was painful, but the sort of pain that I’d been aching to feel ever since I left.

“Oh, fuck.” It was so deep inside of me, I could feel it in my stomach. Usually, Steve would take a hold of my hips to prevent me from hurting myself on his length. But since I wanted to be destroyed by him, I’d take care of it myself.

Tonight, this dick was mine.

My moans were loud as they reverberated on the almost silent living room. “Don’t you like fucking my little pussy, Stevie?” I tried to get him to talk as I rode him with all I had, ignoring how my thigh muscles felt like they were burning. “Don’t you love filling me up with your cum until I’m dripping of you?”

I heard his breath hitch on his throat, despite how quiet the sound was. I hadn’t expected it - I didn’t think I would be able to make Steve vulnerable when he was fully well-guarded, break through his walls with just the power of my hips.

It got to me. And by the time I realized it, the tears were already running down my cheeks. “Please,” I whispered, rubbing my nose on his face, hands on his shoulders to find the grip I needed to keep riding him. “Please, kiss me.”

When he still didn’t give me what I so desperately needed, I insisted, “Doesn’t… Doesn’t it feel good?” I was breathless now, but all Steve released in acknowledgement were pants. It almost seemed like he didn’t even recognize we were together.

That was the worst kind of punishment. I needed him. Needed him to tell me I was doing it right, needed him to pull me back on his cock and give it to me good, just that little bit harder than I was able to do it by just pushing myself up and falling down on his lap again and again.

I missed hearing his little sounds of pleasure, the confirmations that he was enjoying this, enjoying being with me, just as much as I was. “I promise…” My words were interrupted by a moan when his cock rubbed the sweet spot I was hardly ever able to find by myself. “I promise I’ll never be that bad again, Stevie… Just please, please, fuck me.”

Too tired to keep moving, I relented and started to rub myself against him again, still keeping his cock inside of me. It wasn’t the same, but it was all I could do with his lack of effort and my vulnerability, which was tearing me up from the inside.

“You’re so beautiful, Stevie…” It was the last thing I was able to whisper, head falling forward to rest my forehead on his chest, and for a second, the world stood still. Although I was clenching around him from the abrupt stop, exhaustion had gotten the best of me, and I couldn’t keep moving anymore.

We remained there for a while, him still pretending I wasn’t there and me thinking back on the stupid thing I’d done. I was about to start crying, when suddenly, his hands seized my hips, holding me down and forcing me to keep grinding myself on him.

“You don’t get to do this,” he said, even though I could barely comprehend it. “You don’t get to go away and risk your life, leave me suffering, and then come back and act as if nothing happened.”

He pulled me up until I was on my knees, just the tip of his cock keeping me open to him. I tried to say something, anything that could possibly justify the mistake I’d made, but then he slammed me back down on his dick, effectively making me forget how to speak.

“I missed hearing your voice first thing in the morning.” It was his turn to speak now, I realized, and held onto his shoulders for dear life as Steve punished me for the pain I’d caused him by fucking me hard and rough - just the way I’d missed. “I missed everything about you, and you think you can just come back home and all will be forgiven?”

I started shaking my head - the only thing I could think to do, but then he grabbed my face, fingers pressing my cheeks and forcing my lips into a pout because it wasn’t enough. Of course, it wasn’t enough.

His face was blank as he ordered, “Promise me you won’t break my heart again. Promise.” Hearing the pain in his voice made me finally understand the hell I’d put him through, and I nodded, trying to say as best as I could, considering the grip he had on me, “I promise.”

We reached our highs together, him and I coming at the same time. I was still resting my face on his chest, trying to catch my breath when his hand tentatively came up on my back, slowly starting to rub circles over it.

“I don’t want to lose you,” he confessed, bringing tears into my eyes - tears of guilt. As exhausted as I was post-mission and post-sex, I knew I couldn’t go to sleep until I made him understand that, “You will never lose me.”

And with a deep, sensuous kiss, I sealed that promise.

“What did she do?” We both froze as we heard Bucky’s voice from behind me. Now, Steve had taken it easy, compared to what Bucky would do if he learned about what had happened.

What did it say about me that I couldn’t wait to find out what he’d do to me?

#my fics #steve rogers smut #steve rogers #smut #steve rogers reader #steve rogers reader insert #steve rogers reader inserts #steve rogers fic #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers fanfic #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine

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a-life-lesson-in-submission · 3 years ago

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Inside a Submissives Soul

Dear Diary -

Where do I start? The beginning would be good, oh how I wish I could go back to the beginning. Where I felt happy, safe, confident and accepted, now I just feel used, rejected and discarded.

When I stepped into this world after most of my life just fantasising, I thought I had the wisest, strongest and nurturing of hands to hold mine and guide me through step by step. A journey that was to be tantalisingly unique. It felt mutual, the attraction, the depth of connection and chemistry, the beauty in two souls meeting and beginning to entwine into one.

It has all blown up in my face and I am powerless to my own spiralling. Even worse, the hands I felt such protection and security from are the ones to bring me to feel lowest of the low, the low that I already had has been exacerbated by this, a wound without intent. The low wasn't just masked anymore, I was getting confident, I was getting stronger, I was growing. Now I just feel betrayed, abandoned and so damn hurt. My own turmoil and despair seems to be swarming around me more than ever. I wish I knew how to move forward without my mind and heart attacking the soul of me and the soul of the him. I am hurting so much.

I am trying to hold on to the memories, they're all we truly have sometimes. The way his aroma filled my lungs, the way his taste stained my lips, the way he felt against my body, the way he made me feel, not just on the outside, but on the inside. I was on an ultimate high because I know I was at my lowest point in life. It's all flooded back and I don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to care, I don't want to feel. I am not enough. I am so lost. I am so alone. I am so broken.

I feel an angry internal ache but then I still feel an intense internal love. How do I stop feeling the negative and focus on the positive? We all have a darkness, it's immensely destructive and bitterly consuming. I know how it feels so why is my own selfishness getting in the way of this? I am clearly not his Submissive anymore. He is clearly not my Dominant anymore.

What I do know is, I should be better than this, I should be stronger than this, I should be a good friend but I don't feel I am anything to him anymore, I don't know if I ever was. I have no place in his life. I miss him and I don't think he will ever come back. He won't let me in, he won't let me be there for him, be with him. He saved my life, he changed my life and I will be forever grateful to him, of him. I miss him but I don't think I ever truly had him. Even if I have to, I don't know how to let go and make peace with what will be and what will not be.

I want him to be OK. I want him to be happy, secure, content and strong. I want him to feel good. I really hope he heals, finds his peace and place in the world again, sooner rather than later. I really do sympathise, I do understand.

The worst feeling in the world, the most painful feeling in this universe, as well as grief, is to feel such soul binding love for someone and waiting only to never hear it back, to never feel it back, it never comes...

Although I have a mountain of emotions to work through, I will do my best to make peace with them. I will at the very least try to take something special away from this, from him. If our souls aren't meant to be for eachother, maybe he was meant to be my soul helper. Someone to step into my life when I needed them the most. Whether it be for a moment, a lifetime or somewhere inbetween, to help and aid my soul move towards growth, alignment and healing.

I will always want, need and love him, that is something I know will never die. I will always be a friend to him, near or far. Maybe one day, I will see him on the other side of all this and things will work out for the better this time. I will always carry that hope....

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etheriadearie · 4 years ago

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Shadow Weaver’s Death, Her True Abusiveness, And Her Final, Beautiful, Gift To Catra

::The resistance fighters stand in the failsafe chamber. Catra has just called Shadow Weaver out on her manipulation. Shadow Weaver reluctantly explains the danger of the failsafe, and then implores Adora to take it: even if she fails, Shadow Weaver says, she will save her friends, and the universe. As literally every other person in that room cries out against Adora taking the risk, Adora turns and says she will do it. Catra, dismayed, runs to her telling her that Shadow Weaver is sacrificing her, and demands to know why she's letting her do that. Adora tells Catra "Because even if she is, it's better than Prime getting the Heart and destroying the universe." Catra trembles in deathly fear, her face consumed in terrible realization: if Adora does as SW wishes, she will die. Shadow Weaver is trying to kill Adora. She knows this to her very soul, because... she is Shadow Weaver... And Adora is letting it happen…

Hi there, my name is Joel, and in this segment I'll be looking at Shadow Weaver's death, her being a child abuser, her terrible manipulations of Catra and Adora and the monstrous pains the two girls have to conquer to save themselves from her.

The main premise I'll be trying to explain here is that, like Horde Prime, Shadow Weaver is a villain of utmost seriousness. And, like Horde Prime, the girls will treat her as one, surpassing and defeating her once and for all. But it won't be with violence, but instead with love, creating a beautiful story of two people transcending their trauma and hurt through coming together over their love for one another.

I feel obliged to warn readers: this post will cover child abuse, even predatation (*not sexual, ie). It may be hard to read. Also warning: tl;dr, please consider at least sitting down to read this!

Finally, I know there are Shadow Weaver fans out there; that's good. Shadow Weaver is, at times, cool af. But, definitively a terrible person within the plot of the show.

So, even if you're a fan of Shadow Weaver, I still encourage you to read along because as we reveal her truth and the damage she deals to Catra and Adora, it makes her final moment so, so much more beautiful… and it gives entirely new meaning to her final... two… words….

Disclaimer time: Taking on Shadow Weavers death is ambitious for a first post, I know. But understanding her is crucial to understanding most of the major moments in this show. Still, I should say here that while this may seem a bit ‘head’ canon-y, I assure you my conclusions come from watching the show carefully and referencing the entirety of the rest of the show back to this one moment. I'm instead positing these as theories, and let's just say I feel I have the data, and Data Never Lies! Please *do* ask questions or seek calcifications in the comments or Ask me anything (I'm new to Tumblr).

----Part 1: Catra, Micah, and the Truth----

To start this journey we will travel backwards in the series to investigate the what and why of the terrible child abuse Catra suffered growing up under Shadow Weaver's care. We will be looking chiefly at the Light Spinner episode in the 2nd season. We will cover Catra's confrontation and SW's -supposed- explanation for her abuse, then the tale of Micah and Shadow Weaver's manipulation of him, and then the terrible truth of why Catra -really- was abused.

>A terribly alone Catra asks her abusive mother why she did it. Why did she treat her so badly ?

Shadow Weaver answers: "Because you remind me of myself. You always have. Nothing was ever easy for me either. I wasn't born to power like Adora and... others. I had to earn my power, fight for it. Why should it be any different for you?"

This is a very typical reason for an abuser to feel they are acting out their abuse on others: no one in this world understands my pain, so therefore I will inflict my pain upon a child so that they will know my pain as well. For many people this is essentially the truth of their abusers. I can't see any other reason for MY abusers to do what they did, other than this. It is, however, not the truth about Catra. We will discuss this in detail later.

We then watch as Catra does a very strong and eloquent job of rejecting and condemning it. She shows great emotional pain as she does so, and we know that her trauma is severe from watching her. Catra exclaims, her face full of emotional hurt and pain at Shadow Weaver's betrayal: "I was a child when you took me in. What could I have possibly done to deserve the way you treated me? I am nothing like you. You are old, and bitter, and weak."

Everything she says is perfectly true. As a child, there is no way she could have deserved the abuse Shadow Weaver inflicted on her. There never is. And she's also right when she says she's not anything like Shadow Weaver. Where Shadow Weaver is an unfeeling monster (as we will see), Catra feels deeply. Catra is inherently good, and while she will make terrible mistakes to come, she feels intense remorse. Shadow Weaver simply does not.

So, Shadow Weaver gives Catra a believable reason for the abuse, which, again, is a lie. But... there is meaning which we need to take from her choice of words: Shadow Weaver feels others, like Adora and Micah, are given an unfair advantage over people like herself. We will come back to this important insight soon...

Before we get to the real, harsh truth of why Catra was abused, we need to understand the tale of Micah and ‘Light Spinner’-‘s manipulation of him to get power.

>The story of Micah seems to be full of whimsy and childlike innocence. A young boy is talented beyond his years, a true prodigy. SW trains him, giving him access to teachings beyond what a sorcerer of his age should have. She tells him he's special, a true talent, like her. When she tells him "the guild needs talents like OURS more than ever before" she manipulates him, making him feel apart, better than all the other students and teachers, and that only SW can understand. It's SW's greatest talent: dividing people against each other, and this is part of her lifelong manipulation of Catra and Adora. Note: Castaspella accuses SW of mind controlling Micah (s5e8) to which SW responds "My gifts were always far subtler than that” - SW controls young Micah through mind games.

>SW hints of something of great importance, but then says "you're not ready". Micah demands to know, he's a special boy after all, right? He's so incredibly naive and innocent, doing things like chewing on magic crystals and acting out in class. He is, in fact, exactly the kind of privileged child who SW so greatly hates. This is where we get real meaning out of SW's supposed explanation for abusing Catra: Micah has inborn power that SW feels he is unworthy of possessing...

She preys upon his naiveness, showing him the Horde army. He, of course, demands they be stopped, and he's playing right into her hands. When she tells him the plan and of the upcoming meeting she tells him "I only hope that Norwyn and his followers can see the threat as clearly as YOU do." Again, she is making him feel apart, as though he's better than others. After all, he's a special little prodigy, right ?

SW gives her presentation at the council, trying to prey upon their fear by saying that the Horde have a rune stone. As she speaks of the spell of obtainment, her eyes are full of lust at the idea of so much power. But it is forbidden, and for good reason. As she looks over her shoulder at Norwyn her look is severe, accusing. She has no respect for him. And he's right to say that the problem will be handled: the war, in fact, does become a stalemate and stays that way all the way up until we are first introduced to Catra and Adora. Angrily, greedily, she demands they get power so they can 'have a planet to protect'.

She fails to convince them, but of course Micah sees her leaving the meeting, angry and frustrated, so he comes to her aide. "They never listen to me. After all I've done I still haven't earned their trust". Again, SW is set apart from them. When she says "they just want to hold the rest of us back" she's including Micah, making him feel separate, better, like her. She's indoctrinating him in her plan.

>We get a scene between Catra and SW here, where Catra tries to get SW to give her a reason to save her. All SW wants to know is when she's being sent to Beast Island: she realizes she has to escape that night. She sets out to manipulate Catra into giving her the reagent she needs to escape. SW talks up how weak and powerless she is, preying on Catra's lingering pity, desire for connection. A emotionally desperate Catra unfortunately gives it to her. Catra tells her "you don't get to ask things of me anymore" but she's desperate and depressed, feeling totally alone after so recently seeing Adora and consequently nearly dying the episode before, only to be saved by Scorpia's caring about her.

>And apprehensive Micah asks SW if she's sure this is a good idea. She tells him "WE need this power, it's the only way to protect our people". It's a lie, but Micah thinks he's special because he's SW's apprentice, and so he agrees to do it.

As the spell begins to work, we see a terrifying eldritch horror type of creature summoned. It soon breaks free even as Micah helps SW try to contain it. SW acts surprised to see it, but she always knew this spell. Micah runs, and SW stays, yelling angrily at Micah for leaving. She experiences fear as it consumes her, but she knows it's part of getting her power. This is the price she pays to become powerful. She tells Micah he betrayed her by abandoning her and yet, what other possible outcome was there but for them BOTH to be destroyed or corrupted? Norwyn tries to stand up to her, telling her "bringing you into our ranks was a grave mistake". She counters calling him a fool. "You're all weak. None of you deserve my help".

I often see people say this show doesn't show death, but what happens next is undeniably so: it is murder. She annihilates two sorcerer's in one hit, consumes the head sorcerer to give her more magical power. It is pure evil. As she realizes her new power she exclaims "The spell worked. I am stronger than ALL of you." She menaces Micah.

This. Was. Always. The. Plan. The spell worked, she says so herself. Micah tries to defend himself weakly against her, he's entirely at her mercy. He expects death, but instead she caresses his cheek, touches his ear. Then she gives him a look of disdain. It's no mistake she covers half her face even at this point in her history, so we can't know her full emotions. But it's clear, she condescends to him: he was a naive little pawn, not meant to survive, or at minimum, he was supposed to become corrupted like her. But it doesn't matter. She got what she wanted. So she leaves him to live knowing what he's done. The tale of ‘Light Spinner’ has ended: her better persona was just an illusion, useful in her goal of obtaining more power. An empowered Shadow Weaver then shows up at the Fright Zone, killing the guard as a demonstration of power. She declares herself for Hordak, and at least a partial truth is apparent: she wanted the vampiric power so she could channel the Black Garnet. Changing sides bothers SW not at all.

I point out SW’s violence because it is the only time they show any graphic death in this show, and it's therefore meant to show that SW is different, and dangerous. There really was no ‘Light Spinner’, as at multiple moments during her time at Mystacor her true emotions show through (such as pic1, top) and they are both vile and malicious, to put it lightly. Furthermore, note that SW going to the Horde doesn't end up ensuring their victory over the princesses, so yes, in fact, SW was lying to Micah all along. Last, keep in mind Micah’s opinion of her later on: SW is never to be trusted.

Now it's time to get back to the real reason Catra was abused and it's important implications for Adora's abuse as well.

>The scene following Catra's confrontation with SW, we see baby Adora having just arrived in the Fright Zone. SW walks past her, not particularly interested... and yet she sees something in her. And so she takes interest. She knows, in some way, that Adora will wield powerful magic, and since it also becomes clear to us that SW knows all about the past history of She-ra and the Heart of Etheria, it's a logical jump to say she probably thinks Adora is She-ra. Either way, Adora is a powerful orphan child with inborn talent beyond any normal expectation.

Sound familiar? The tale of Micah is there to inform this moment: SW meeting baby Adora. She is in a position to wield ultimate control over a magically privileged child. And the implications are not good...

Apologies to readers here, this next part is intense. Just a quick warning. The total implication of this is that SW never loved Adora, just like she didn't care about Micah. It is all manipulation, and it should be noted that at this point SW has switched to a full mask, conveniently hiding all emotion except a sliver of her eyes (as well as hiding her corrupted features). It's now almost entirely impossible to accurately read her emotions. I don't think she wants you to, as she really has no feelings of actual compassion. She only sees Adora as a privileged child she will use and then discard for her own power.

This means she is, in fact, a child predator. In this case, she's a predator of children of privilege, but the effect is the same: she sees such children as easy targets for her to manipulate for her own gain. Worse, the strong emotional feelings which Adora naturally feels towards those around her makes her easier to control, and SW manipulates this vulnerability against her, as a child and then again as they are headed for the failsafe.

So, returning to the real truth of why SW abused Catra. Let's take a look back at Catra’s condemnation of SW's explanation for her abuse, and it's just one line we need to understand: "I was a child, what could I have possibly done to deserve the way you treated me?" As it turns out, Catra -did- do something, and you have to adore and appreciate this show because we don't get this answer until the very end. Before season 5 was available, it would simply be impossible to understand Catra's story fully. The creators want you to come full circle of so many understandings, the story is that deep.

It's that one, beautiful, follow on line when Catra confesses her love to Adora- She says "I always have"...

Adora was Shadow Weaver's tool, her next prey. So, along comes Catra, who experiences romantic love for Adora right from the start. Beautiful, total love and devotion. SW sees this, and she decides that she can't let Catra be a hindrance to her plans. And yet she knows she can't kill Catra outright or risk losing Adora's affection. So she hurts Catra, tries to make her weak, to diminish her. She is trying to crush Catra's spirit, her will to live, all while making sure to instill a sense of duty and ambition in Adora which makes her less available to Catra. The abuse works, but not on Catra. Catra stays loyal to Adora, and is so secretly strong within herself in such a way that SW fails to destroy her spirit, although Catra has such incredible trauma from it that we see her struggle with it throughout the rest of the series.

But the abuse does work on Adora and so she grows apart from Catra in such a way that Catra eventually comes to feel Adora doesn't love her. And when Adora so clearly breaks the final half of the promise she made to Catra, Catra too, grows apart from Adora.

Catra therefore represents a person in this story who would have been so entirely below SW's notice that had she not loved Adora the way she did, SW would never have taken the time to hurt her. It wouldn't have been worth her time, and Catra would have had a happy(ish) childhood if not for loving Adora. By the way, this truth of SW's abuse of Catra is indeed confirmed in the show, but we don't have time to cover it here and it deserves its own theory post, anyways.

Before we get back to s5 let's take a brief moment to address SW's abuse of Adora: Adora is the kind of person who can't help but empathetically feel the pain of others when they feel it, and it's what makes her to be so unable to balance her own needs against those of others who are hurting. And so SW making Adora have ambition, to want to win at the expense of others, is actually a frightening manipulation. SW teaches Adora to believe she has to do this in order to be the leader, and then as the leader she must protect everyone else from harm. Adora goes on to show great emotional confusion over this, as she doesn't really feel she’s qualified to be that leader. It makes her feel alone from everyone else, and makes Adora worry about every decision she makes. SW essentially saddles Adora with a lonely burden of leadership, one which she's not well suited for. Adora has a very ADHDish (I’m no expert on ADHD) response to this where she bounces around trying to satisfy everyone else’s feelings, such as within their unit, and so her relationship with Catra suffered because of this.

To sum up, the abuses SW inflicts on the two of them results in their division from each other, and it's a division which tries to tear down both girls spiritually throughout this series. They each have specific traumas relating to Shadow Weaver's abuse of them. These are different, damaging fears SW instilled in each of them to make them easier to control. Because of this, both girls contribute to their separation to the two different sides of the war, and it's only through the great emotional learning of each of them that they are able to start putting it back again in season 5. And so, we will see that when SW returns in season 5, she immediately tries to pick up where she left off… to drive them apart from each other and manipulate them, once again, for her own gain.

Side note #2 before we get back to season 5: SW has a complete and total lack of love for Catra as well. Her callous manipulation of Catra, followed by leaving the fright zone like she did, was a spiritual blow and then a death sentence for Catra. SW would know this and yet she simply did not care. Furthermore, when they meet in Moment of Truth (s3ep4), SW again tries to kill Catra, only stopping short because Glimmer can't withstand the magical drain SW is taking from her. She's just not good people... And if she has such a total lack of love or compassion for Catra, it's a logical jump that she has just as little love and feeling for Adora.

Anyways... let's work on that season 5, phew, I know this is long. We're not done yet, though...

----Part 2: The present up till SW’s Death----

Alright, so returning back to season 5 where we began...

Catra is certain that SW is killing Adora. And the reason Catra is so certain of this is because she understands this fundamental truth behind the childhood abuse of of her and Adora. She knows that SW intended to use Adora, and was grooming her in order to use her to gain more power. And, she knows the true nature of SW’s abuse of Catra herself, that it was meant to destroy her so she wouldn't get in the way of SW using Adora.

How exactly Catra knows this I won't cover here, it would take too long and it deserves its own theory post. But, it is pretty well confirmed in the show as well. No distractions! Moving on...

So… when Adora tells Catra she will take the failsafe even though SW is killing her, it's Catra’s knowledge that SW is for certain doing this to Adora which leads Catra to shake in fear, and then refuse Adora once she returns with the failsafe. This moment goes much deeper than just Catra knowing she can't live without Adora, although that is also true.

Ok so here it is, the big theme we will now delve into, that explains so much:

The all important, crucial thing that Catra isn't seeing is that in order for SW to sacrifice Adora, it is entirely dependent on abusive manipulations is SW doing to both of them, starting from the moment they first see SW in season 5, which are intended to make sure Adora doesn't survive deploying the failsafe.

I know it's a tough implication to accept, but I promise to explain. So why? Why would SW not want Adora to survive? This, atleast, should be obvious: She-ra could stop SW once she has the power, so She-ra is an enemy that SW needs to eliminate to achieve ultimate power. So, SW's goal is to get Adora to bring the failsafe to the heart, but then be too weak to survive the process... leaving SW the uncontested champion by her magical vampiric powers. And so... SW manipulates the two girls, doing her most familiar trick: driving them apart, making them feel isolated from each other.

Her manipulations begin from the very moment Catra and Adora see her in season 5, and they continue up until Adora accepts the failsafe and a bit beyond.

So let's lay this out from the beginning, shall we? Episode 10: When SW walks into the room, saying she knows where the failsafe is, Catra is at first surprised at her appearance, she's thrown off guard. Catra very much wanted to stop SW once and for all, but never got the chance. And now, the new, more feeling Catra is faced with her oldest enemy: she can't hide her hatred and anger at her. It pretty much takes everything she's got not to violently attack her right there and then. But this new Catra isn't going to sink to that low. And yet... SW will intentionally aggravate and attack Catra to reactivate her trauma.

What I find very interesting about that scene, though, is that both Glimmer and Adora immediately look to Catra, knowing she will be upset, both trying to help her. And yet, it's Glimmer who looks first.

Even though Glimmer never says it out loud, Glimmer knows SW played and manipulated Glimmer herself, and that her manipulations were ultimately the reason that Glimmer made the mistake of activating the Heart, which brought Horde Prime's fleet down upon Etheria. Glimmer also watched SW torture and almost kill Catra in s3ep4, so I think Glimmer knows very well how dangerous SW is and how badly she's hurt Catra in the past. Instead, we can take the story of Glimmer and SW as another stand out example of how, once again, we saw SW manipulate someone, Glimmer in this case, with no concern for her well being.

>Adora is also thrown off by SW's reappearance, she doesn't enjoy seeing her either. But then, she also sympathetically looks to Catra, knowing this is a hurtful moment for her. All of this is to say that Catra actually has strong allies against SW, unlike in the past. And it's very important that Adora is such a staunch ally to Catra against SW, in fact it's everything. But, Adora doesn't quite do a good enough job in showing Catra how strongly aligned she, too, is against SW. Unintentional though it may be, as we will see.

>Episode 11: Continuing on, Glimmer immediately opposes SW's desire to use the heart's power. Castaspella tries to say SW is the lesser of evils, but of course, Castaspella is just a pawn. Catra jumps on Casta's words, calling SW evil... SW taunts her back mockingly and we see Catra's anger start to get out of control. But, Adora knows, one way or another, that SW is the root of all of Catra's pain, and so she comforts her, showing her that she sees her pain, and that she's got her back.

Again, it's very important that Adora is Catra's greatest ally against SW, as she has learned to treat SW as a de facto enemy because she has seen the pain and torment Catra experienced because of SW’s abuse; in addition to her own knowledge of how SW manipulated herself as a child.

>Adora confronts SW, asking why she even needs their help getting the failsafe. SW answer is a lie, but plays to her manipulation of Casta, who she needs: she says she can't get past Micah. (Note: who she actually needs is Adora.) As SW tells her plan she leans into Adora's emotional fears of letting others get hurt and reminds Adora she has to be the hero, SW even touches Adora, which we see Catra react angrily to. But, SW successfully manipulates Adora into accepting her plan, and Catra can't stand to watch it as she knows it must somehow be a dangerous manipulation. Catra quietly leaves to try to process her anger. We then see Adora slap SW's hand away, showing defiance, but as Catra has left, she probably doesn't see that. Adora looks around and sees that Catra is gone, which SW responds to by trying to manipulate her into leaving Catra behind, as she knows Adora is more vulnerable without Catra around. But Adora is wary of SW's manipulations, and goes after Catra. SW is aggravated by this.

>The two girls have a very good, emotional talk about SW. Catra is dismayed, but Adora is always brave for others, so she tells her she's got to try. Adora acknowledges Catra's pain, their pain, from SW's abuse. Ultimately Adora convinces Catra to come. Together, Adora says SW can't hurt them anymore. Catra reminds Adora how dangerous SW is, but the girls have reaffirmed their bond, their promises to each other. Which is important later, as this will come up again.

>As they infiltrate Mystacore, Catra is apprehensive and stays at the back. But as the mission progresses she drifts towards the front, trying to be the lookout so she can protect Adora. This, unfortunately, puts her in physical proximity to SW when they check the ritual chamber. Catra checks the chamber, but then a sorcerer appears out of nowhere (literally, how??) and SW grabs her in a way that's very reminiscent of s1ep2, traumatizing her.

I can't help but conclude SW is being intentionally hurtful in order to unnerve Catra. She could have just pointed, or put her hand to Catra's mouth, after all. Catra throws herself away from SW, demanding she not touch her, and makes the mistake of dropping the spell and revealing their presence. Look closely at this scene and you see Adora actually shows great anger, even violent intent towards SW for doing this to Catra, but it's so quick Catra probably doesn't see it, as she's staring down SW instead.

Under a track, Adora tries to become She-ra, but she's too emotionally conflicted since the episode before when they returned to the Fright Zone and Adora started to realize she's been letting Catra down, leaving her hanging. And SW's hurting of Catra also blocks Adora, she's trying to help Catra and yet she's accepting SW's guidance again, which she knows Catra hates and doesn't trust.

>As they pass through the door and continue down a corridor, Adora sees Catra is in emotional pain and holding herself, so she lends her emotional support. She knows SW touching her was incredibly abusive. She tells Catra that it'll be ok, and to trust her, hitting her with her dearest look of love and care for her. She knows SW is Catra's enemy, and she's got her back. Catra looks back, trying to trust her, to put her fear aside. But the moment is cut short when SW interrupts them, guilting Catra for revealing their presence. Adora walks on, saying they have to keep moving, and her face says she's doing it to stop SW from talking to Catra, but again, Catra doesn't see Adora's face. Catra feels left behind, that the moment was cut short. It's by the barest off margins Catra is missing how strongly Adora is coming down against SW for her sake.

> We get more information about SW's corruption next, that it's a way to bypass the crystal of Arxia and get at Heart of Etheria's energy, and we know this because it's discussed immediately after Castaspella tells them about the crystal of Arxia. So, if the magic is released, SW will have practically unlimited power. SW just mocks Casta when she tries to guilt SW over using the spell, she gives no apology. We see both Catra and Glimmer seemingly have a deeper realization about SW and her powers and that both of them look disturbed by it.

>Continuing on, we get the scene where Catra saves Adora from fire, which is so cute but I'll skip the romantic implications: as Catra walks through the fire, Adora stops and frets over not knowing what to do about Catra, how to give her what she wants. Adora is worried she's going to fail, that she could die. It's Adora's biggest, lifelong fear as the bearer of She-ra, and she struggles with it continuously throughout the series. To her, it therefore doesn't make sense to her to get Catra's hopes up too soon.

>Adora's thoughts naturally turn to her inability to transform... and SW pounces on the opportunity in order to exploit it.

Consider now, if Adora's problem is becoming She-ra, why does SW immediately give her a hard time about Catra, instead? Adora rejects SW's criticism, but SW flips the conversation telling Adora she can't be a weak She-ra and seemingly blaming it all on Catra. She tells Adora that her weakness means she's letting everyone else down. SW tells her she has to focus, and Catra makes her weak. This is terribly the opposite of the truth and SW knows this. What she’s really doing is a deep manipulation of Adora that leans on her early abuse of her: Adora has to be perfect for everyone else, and as she's the only one who can do it, she's totally alone in this burden. The truth is that Adora has always needed other people, that's where she draws strength from. Catra loves Adora simply for who she is: she represents the strongest, smartest and most dedicated person, ie, she's the most powerful person to help Adora with her emotional need for support.

Which SW knows, so she does her best to try to separate them, to make Adora think she's alone. SW does this by grouping Catra with everyone else: save everyone, or no one. Then she delivers a direct assault of Adora spiritually by saying "the world needs She-ra right now, not Adora". She's telling Adora that she doesn't matter, only She-ra matters, and she needs to be willing to give it all up to be that hero. We see Adora search SW's face, she's not satisfied and then she does her best to reject her, pulling her hand away in anger while saying she will stop Prime “no matter what.” Catra is eavesdropping on this, but can't see that Adora stands up to SW so strongly... as usual. Catra knows SW is up to no good with it, though. Doubt takes root in Adora, and it aggravates her fears that she's not good enough to be She-ra.

>Arriving at the failsafe chamber, SW gives away just how much she already knows about the Heart. SW explains the failsafe, and so we know she always planned on getting Adora to accept the failsafe, risking it all. Adora approaches, trying to be brave for everyone else.

One of Catra's most important moments follows: she stops Adora from accepting the failsafe, and calls SW out for her bullshit. She's not going to let Adora walk into a trap when she knows better. Catra flips it on SW, telling her to take the failsafe, making SW tell them why it's dangerous, why SW won't do it herself. She points out how SW knows too much, yet didn't pursue the power of the failsafe. Catra is totally certain that SW wants to hurt Adora, and so she's calling her out to get SW to reveal her manipulation of Adora.

SW instead tries to guilt Adora, saying she alone understands that this is the only way to stop Prime. But Catra stands firm, she protects Adora from SW's manipulation as best she can.

Confronted and trapped by Catra's having seen through her plan, we see literally every person in the room ally themselves against SW. SW is forced to admit the truth: using the failsafe will mean death even for She-ra, if she isn't strong enough.

And so Adora realizes what's coming, that She-ra is the only one who can do it. She's terrified and sad at the thought that this could, will, be her end; that she really will have to give it all up for everyone else. She's always thought she'd have to. It's a deep held belief that she's alone in her burden as She-ra.

Adora asks the obvious question: What happens if I die? SW's next words prey upon Adora's every weakness, her lack of belief in her self worth, and innate need to protect others: "Then the magic will be restored to Etheria, through your sacrifice. You will give us the power to bring us to victory. Prime will be defeated. Your friends will be free." SW is listing out every last thing that will happen if Adora doesn't do it, and each is a part of her greatest fears. Adora is unable to resolve between her distrust of SW and need to protect and be brave for everyone else's sake. SW has her trapped by her own emotions.

Catra looks on, watching the manipulation, seeing the consequences of Adora attempting this. Everything about this moment speaks to manipulations SW has used on Adora before: she preys on emotional need and weakness, she isolates Adora in her burden, she even does the dreaded ear touch. If Adora does what SW says, Catra knows it'll be the death of her.

As SW completes her manipulation, everyone in the room cries out against the unfair decision Adora must make. And yet, Adora doesn't see a choice. Catra puts it best, saying: "you don't care about Adora, Adora can't even care about herself!"

But Bow's words also have meaning: "Theres no way we're risking Adora like that." For all that Bow and Glimmer have done for Adora, she's still supposed to be the champion that's going to save them. They need things from her, not simply Adora as herself. All in all, Bow and Glimmer did their absolute and kindest best to help Adora, often emotionally supporting her through her depressions and fears of not being a good She-ra. But in the end, they still needed her to be She-ra.

But Catra is different, all she wants is Adora, and for her to be safe and loved, and ideally, to be with her. Catra's opinion in this moment is the true one, the most honest. But Adora can't overcome the thought of failing everyone, and so she pushes forward, saying she will take the failsafe.

Adora is feeling alone, trapped by fate. Catra runs to her, literally shaking her in order to try to convey how sure she is that Adora is going to die if she does this. But Adora can't let the universe die, and she's She-ra. She (Adora) doesn't matter. It's only what she can do to try to fix things for others that matters, her hero's burden. Adora pushes Catra's hands off her, in a lifetime of pain and sorrow Catra has never looked so sad. Adora really is pushing her away, not seeing how seriously Catra feels, how badly she needs Adora to understand her in this moment. A dissociated Adora looks internally, accepting her fate, alone again, isolated.

Maybe Catra could have found a way to get through to Adora, but they run out of time. A chipped Micah shows up and begins to systematically defeat them, and Adora has no more time to choose. SW is easily taken down by Micah, it shows his anger at her. He taunts her, she's got nowhere to hide. This is interesting, but not our focus..

Adora again tries to summon She-ra and fails. She simply can't resolve between her sense of failure to Catra and her need to be brave for everyone else. She looks to Catra, decides to do the brave thing as herself, not as She-ra, even if it means she will fail, and hurt Catra. After all, since she’s She-ra, she has to try, right? This is her burden.

As SW turns to Adora and says "the failsafe... we... we can't" Adora is pressed by urgency, doing what she can. Catra tries one last desperate plea: "Please. It doesn't always have to be you!" Adora can't accept this, internally she is certain she has to save everyone. Even if this includes SW herself, and so when Catra later says Adora chose SW, not her in this moment, Catra is right, except that Adora believed she had no choice. Adora is also the only one in this moment who can reach the failsafe, and so it seems like fate is against her. Adora knows she's probably choosing to die, and if she does, she knows Catra will probably die of a broken heart as well. She really does choose SW over Catra, in a way. It's a tough moment, but taking the failsafe is the right thing to do, given the circumstances.

Receiving the failsafe is intense, and as Adora tries to withstand it, Micah binds the entire party with dark magic. Interestingly, this means SW indoctrinated Micah more than we're shown, and now that he's chipped, he is uninhibited.

Adora sees everyone is in danger, if she doesn't come through now it's all over. It gives her that singular focus she needs, summoning She-ra is easy because if she doesn't, Catra, all of them, are about to die.

Failsafe achieved, Micah vanquished, Adora offers Catra her hand, she's trying to show Catra she's there for her, they are together. But Catra rejects her, she's too sure that SW has won, that Adora will die. In this moment all the old trauma Catra carries is too strong, and SW has unnerved her too greatly. As Catra runs from her, Adora realizes that Catra was trying to tell her something deeper, but somehow she's missed it.

>Catra watches Adora sleep, she's emotionally distraught at the thought of her dying. So, she tries to sneak away. Adora finds out, and manages to confront Catra before she can leave. This is one of the most heartbreakingly beautiful scenes about love in this show, but I'll just cover how SW's manipulations come into play...

>Adora tackles Catra, and demands she explain why she’s leaving. Catra throws SW's words back at Adora, that she's a distraction, that she makes Adora too weak to be She-ra. Catra knows this was a unfair manipulation by Shadow Weaver, but she couldn't see, only hear, what happened between Shadow Weaver and Adora. She doesn't know that Adora rejected Shadow Weaver so strongly, both spiritually and by violently pulling away from her. Adora tries her best to get Catra to see that she's not doing this because of Shadow Weaver's manipulation, that she's trying to rise above SW's control of her. But Catra pushes her away, instead trying to speak to a more central truth: Adora's need to serve everyone else's needs, her inability to regulate her desire to make things better for others who are hurting or will get hurt, and balance that against her own needs and safety. She's speaking to the part of Adora which Shadow Weaver is exploiting to get what she wants from her, to control her. It doesn't really matter in this moment to Catra whether Adora is doing it for Shadow Weaver or not, because either way Adora is allowing Shadow Weaver to win. Catra wants Adora to be better than a slave to her emotional need to help others no matter the cost or danger. She's asking Adora to be strong in herself in a way Adora has never been able to be. She challenges her, asking "What do you want, Adora?" The obvious answer, Catra believes, is her. But Adora is too worried she will die and let Catra down to let her romantic feelings about Catra manifest and make it real between them, and taking the failsafe has made Adora all the more doubtful of her own survival. Adora counters "I have to do this Catra, I'm the only one who can." It's all to say that Adora is alone in her burden, and she accepts it and its consequences because she's She-ra. Adora doesn't believe she has value, or deserves happiness unless she can save everyone, including Catra.

Adora believes as She-ra, she is totally alone in her burden. This is wrong of course, Catra does see her and understands her burden, and is the one person in the world who wishes to share that load with her, unlike the other princesses who need Adora to be a hero and save them. But both girls are weak from their deep traumas which Shadow Weaver has reaggravated, and they can't overcome them. Catra resigns herself to the belief that Adora is unable to rise above her most basic emotional need to serve others, telling her "Then do it. That's what you want, that's what you'll always choose." She can't stand to watch Adora kill herself so willingly to serve everyone else, all while letting SW win. She rejects Adora, and turns to leave. Adora desperately begs Catra to stay, wanting her to uphold their promise and telling her she needs her, but is unable to vocalize her desire to be with Catra romantically. Meanwhile, in Catra's mind, Adora is just going to let herself die, and if she does, then Adora never really needed her after all... all Adora cares about is being She-ra. It's harsh, but true... even if what she's doing about it is so wrong.

It's a painful moment for both of them, and it's horrible because Catra is so clearly breaking their promise, the one that Adora restored to Catra she came to rescue her from Horde Prime. And yet, her leaving will work in the end. Catra gets Adora to see how crucial it is that she not let Shadow Weaver win, to let Shadow Weaver get whatever she wants by taking that cost from Adora's own life. And it's how Adora finally becomes too strong for Shadow Weaver to ever manipulate again.

>As Adora returns to camp, still crying from Catra's abandonment, Shadow Weaver tries to swoop in and make her manipulations of Adora take their final hold. She tells Adora she "made the right choice, don't let Catra convince you otherwise, she's never understood." Dreaded ear touch and all. By saying Catra can't understand, Shadow Weaver tries to make Adora feel alone in her burden as She-ra, seeking to weaken her spirit. But we see a total shift in Adora's attitude as she rejects SW’s cruelty and manipulations entirely. Her words carry incredible weight and speak to how she's so clearly seen through SW's malicious manipulations of the two of them. "Stop. I will never forgive you. You ruin people. You ruin any chance they could ever be happy." Adora just watched Catra reject her and abandon her because she couldn't stand to lose Adora again over SW's manipulations. It's by knowing Catra's pain that Adora is able to finally deny Shadow Weaver any sliver of control over her. As always, Adora couldn't do it for herself, she couldn't resolve between her deeper need to save everyone and SW's plans to use her for her own gain. But Adora is strong for others, and so she's strong for Catra. By leaving, Catra has given Adora the ability to rise above any manipulation Shadow Weaver can do to her.

Adora stands up to Shadow Weaver once and for all in her next words: "I'm going to take the failsafe to the heart, and I'm going to save Etheria. But I am not doing it for you. I'll do everything I can to make sure you never get your hands on the magic." (pic1, fyi) Note the exact words Adora speaks here as we will return to them later, they are important. While Adora has seen past SW’s manipulations, and seen that Shadow Weaver only ever desired power, she doesn't realize how SW's childhood abuse of her and attempts to manipulate her in the present are making her too weak to survive deploying the failsafe. To get past that, Catra must help Adora.

EPISODE 12: We watch as Adora struggles to become She-ra, but eventually manages it. She's seen through SW's plan after all, and so she does her best to believe she is strong enough to win on her own, to survive the heart. But she misses Catra desperately. She rallies her people, and ends her speech by saying resolutely that she will take the failsafe to the Heart and destroy it. It's an incredible speech, Adora has become a wonderful leader, but then she looks up and sees Shadow Weaver hiding in the back. As SW meets her gaze, She-ra's form falters and we see Adora's face for a split second. She's furious at her, that she hurt Catra so badly that she ran away.

Adora moves away from the group so they don't see her lose her She-ra form because of the turmoil she feels over Shadow Weaver and losing Catra. Bow and Glimmer check on Adora, knowing she has a tendency to try to sneak away so people won't see her risk her life. Glimmer is perceptive and asks about Catra, she knows it's Catra that Adora needs, that her being gone is tearing Adora up inside. Glimmer is a great friend to the both of them. Adora voices concern for their safety if they come with her, but Bow and Glimmer know Adora needs support. And so they will try their best, even though they know Adora is heartbroken from Catra leaving her.

>Buoyed by their support, Adora goes to the ruins to try to face her final task, to overcome it through her own strength alone. Bow and Glimmer take her hands, we see Adora does her best to set her fear aside. And yet, as they enter she wonders where Catra is, whether she will come back to honor their promise.

>Catra looks back, also experiencing pain over their separation. She has not been able to overcome her trauma, and manage her feelings. Well isn't it just nice to have a telepathic therapy pet! Melog stops, and forces her to actualize her feelings and process them. At first Catra tries to deny them, saying she won't go back, but Melog sits on her. She cries, saying out loud her deepest feelings. Let's take this one in steps. "You saw what happened, A-Adora chose Shadow Weaver, not me". In a very real sense Adora did do this, she pushed Catra away in the failsafe chamber. She ignored Catra's warnings and, in Catra's mind, committed herself to death at the hands of SW's manipulation. The next line is one of the most important in the series, but we will only cover it briefly as it's romantic implications are best discussed elsewhere: "Adora doesn't want me, not like I want her." We get to see one of the most honest truths about Catra: she is an intensely romantic person, and has always had the most incredible dreams of them being together. But a lifetime of pain has told Catra that it can't be real, or atleast, not for her. It is deep seated trauma that blocks her, trauma Shadow Weaver started and then aggravated against her, making her leave Adora just moments before. Catra is, in a word, furious that she's come this far, having dared to dream once again that the two of them could be together and in love, only to have SW come in and take that from her once again.

Let's take a moment to consider how Catra is doing as she adapts to her new emotional way of dealing with the world, as she has shifted her perspective since rejoining Adora: The old Catra might have simply struck SW down, maybe even killed her to remove the threat. But now, Catra doesn't want to do that but is expected to trust in Adora’s ability to overcome the threat through her inner strength, and the through the strength of her community. But, as far as Catra could see, Adora just accepted her death as necessary rather than fighting SW’s manipulations. And this worries her, and it's why it's so important to Catra that she not let Shadow Weaver win, so Catra leaves to make sure Adora gets the message. She's wrong to do this, and she realizes this after opening up to Melog. Adora needs Catra to have faith in her, because without her support, there's no chance Adora overcomes what Shadow Weaver is trying to do to her.

>Glimmer watches the doubt play across Adora's face. She doesn't know how to make it better, since Catra isn't with them. She asks her if she's scared, and Adora answers back as truthfully as she can: "No, I just really hope this works." She's putting on a good face while trying to believe there's a chance, but when Bow tells her it's going to be a whole new world when she's done, Adora doubts. Can she even survive? Will Catra be gone forever? The next scene is, of course, very romantic. We see that Adora has always loved Catra, just like Catra loves Adora. The magic is trying to remind Adora of her own desires, her wants. Let's not get too distracted though: as Adora moves on, vowing to not let the magic distract her, we see her She-ra form falter, she's still fighting despair and loneliness. Bow and Glimmer don't know what to do...

>Catra sees Horde Prime begin hacking the planet and knows Adora is in grave danger of not succeeding in her last, unselfish mission before Prime stops her. Catra can't let this happen, also, since Melog has helped her process her emotional pain, she's ready to support Adora in any way she can, even if it means her hopes and dreams of them being together will be unfulfilled. She tries to rush to her side.

>Adora is panicking and unable to resolve her feelings of failure to Catra, She-ra is in danger of fading again. She sees the sword as she saw it back when she first left Catra, her hand goes to the failsafe on her chest, the thing that made Catra reject her after she accepted it. She tells Bow and Glimmer she can't escape her destiny. The words "I'm losing her" speak to a deep held belief by Adora that she's not worthy of survival because she feels that she has never been able to help the one person she truly loves, making her no hero. All of the manipulations of Shadow Weaver, Horde Prime, even Light Hope are crushing down on her. She believes she has to accept her fate, to die to fulfill her duty as She-ra. It's the price she has to pay for not being good enough, for hurting Catra when she left her to become She-ra. She thanks Bow and Glimmer for their love and support. "I never could have done any of this without you." Bow and Glimmer did everything they could to prop Adora up, get her out of her depressions when she felt she wasn't good enough to be She-ra. But they still needed her to be She-ra, and therefore they can't help her get past her deepest insecurities. To do that, she needs someone who has unconditional love for her. She needs Catra. Adora leaves Bow and Glimmer behind, trying to protect them, so that only she will have to die.

>Catra finds Shadow Weaver patiently waiting to receive her power, to be able to achieve dominion over everyone else. SW tells Catra "She's gone to the heart of Etheria to free the magic and become the hero she was born to be." The dead hero, that is. As SW tries to guilt Catra, calling her selfish, she glares back. She stands up to SW, rejecting the manipulation: "Enough! This isn't about you and your messed up power trip anymore!”

In this moment, Catra shows us how clearly she understands SW's goal. She calls her out perfectly. She tells SW that Prime is infecting the planet to take the heart, which changes everything, including for SW.

>As Catra leads SW, having forced her to cooperate, they see Prime's broadcast and Catra knows they have to act. She demands SW take them to Adora, and doesn't accept her lies. She knows SW can do it with magic, and demands she comply. Her words hit home "So do something good with it for once and help me save Adora before it's too late." Notice the similarity to when Glimmer asks Catra to be better on Horde Prime’s ship. SW is trapped, she has to comply. If Adora doesn't reach the heart, no magic for SW, universe ends. Catra accepts SW's hand, though it hurts her to do so.

>Catra and SW arrive in the corridor. As Catra gets the truth from Glimmer, she's dismayed. "Of course she's gone, that's what she does, isn't it?" She knows in this moment that Adora is consumed by fear, her inadequacies. As she finishes briefing Bow and Gimmer on the situation, she tells them she will stay to help Adora, and she invokes their promises to each other. It's an important moment, as it is the two of them together, their promises to each other, that gives them the strength to surpass SW's manipulations of them. Glimmer knows Catra is in love with Adora, so she leaves Adora in Catra's care. Bow’s words are important as well, speaking to the power of the Best Friend Squad. It gives Catra a boost to her morale, a belief that maybe there's a chance she and Adora can overcome the odds they face.

>Adora looks out over Etheria, seeing its beauty. Mara joins her. Adora tries to promise Mara that she will save the world, everyone, at any cost. Mara flat out rejects this as wrong, she doesn't let Adora promise. Mara confronts Adora on her decision to die for everyone else. When Mara asks her what she wants, Adora says it doesn't matter, that she's She-ra. Again, an isolationist view, a lonely burden, just like SW wants her to believe. Mara tells Adora that she, Adora, has value as a person, not only as a hero, and that she deserves love, too. As Mara tells to not lose hope, Adora is emotionally moved but you can tell she's still struggling to accept Mara’s words because of her feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. Mara manages to pass some courage to her, but then Horde Prime cuts them short.

Prime leans into Adora’s fears, threateningly. Like SW, he knows how to exploit her. He was in Catra's head and so he knows what Catra knows. He tells her that her failure is imminent, that she is already defeated, like the other She-ra's. The guardian monster then strikes and infects Adora, and she finally loses her grip on her She-ra form. He tells her even her own people didn't want her to make it to the heart, telling her the whole world is against her, and that she's totally alone. She tries to counter this with defiance, but the virus has her. She knows she's in trouble.

----Part 3: Final Moments, and Death, of SW----

>Episode 13. Adora is in pain, trying to understand the nature of the infection. The monster towers over her, it has only to reach out to deal the killing blow, she's defenseless. Suddenly Catra shows up, engaging the monster. Adora's only concern is for Catra's safety, telling her to leave her because it's too dangerous. But Catra has decided: she will do whatever it takes to give Adora her chance to save the universe, if that's what she wants. Even if it means Adora has to die. She tells SW to get Adora to the heart, which Adora objects to. SW is looking closely at Adora and seeing her illness, evaluating. As Adora begs for Catra to not leave her, Catra tells Adora she'll catch up. After all, they are the best friend squad. Bow's words have given Catra a small amount of hope that maybe it'll be ok. Adora, now that Catra has finally shown up, is desperate to not lose her again, and knows fighting this monster is too dangerous for her alone. But she's sick, and unable to help her. SW takes Adora unwillingly towards the heart.

>Catra is doing her best, but the monster is too much, even for her. She tries to slip away, seeing the virus continuing to spread. She's trying to get to Adora, who’s alone with SW. Horde Prime stops her (no keep running!!) and she gets caught. He mocks her, telling her he expected better. But Catra has already surpassed his greatest expectations, and she'll stop him yet... as the monster catches her, she cries out in anguish. It seems the cruelty of the universe has caught up to her again, after all...

>As SW tries to bring Adora to the heart, Adora's sickness is rapidly advancing. She demands SW wait, but she's too weak to resist. The thought of losing Catra again is weakening her spirit and allowing the virus to take over. SW tells her not to lose her focus, she's still hoping Adora will deploy the failsafe before dying. But then the virus seemingly attacks Adora's heart and SW watches the failsafe nearly fade out. SW looks up, she's close enough to already siphon power from the heart. Her lust for power is apparent.

As Adora hears Catra’s scream, she forcefully pushes herself from SW, and starts to go back for Catra. SW calls for her to wait, but Adora leaves her behind.

This is it, the turning point. The great moment of truth: SW now realizes, in utter totality, that she's never going to get to have the power. It's one of the most important moments in the series, and what happens next is the culmination of all of the hard emotional growth the two girls have been doing.

>>Quick interjection: we’re about to get emotional here... (well, I do). Just a light suggestion to check your surroundings. <<

Shadow Weaver now realizes that, even if she were to drag Adora to the heart, she would be too sick and heartbroken to deploy it. It's over for SW, either she dies now, with everyone else in the end of the universe, or she dies giving everyone else, including the girls, a future.

Remember as well, Adora has told SW that she would do everything she can to make sure she never gets the power. Adora is too strong against SW's manipulations, something Adora learned from seeing the pain Shadow Weaver caused Catra through her abuse. I mentioned that the exact words Adora used when she rejected SW the night before were important, so let's return to them: Adora told SW she would deploy the failsafe, and also that she will block SW from getting the power for herself. But as she said all of this, about saving the world, the universe, she doesn't say one, very important, word.

Promise.

Adora may have dedicated herself to being She-ra, but somehow in that moment she knew not to promise to SW that she would deploy the failsafe to save the universe, instead only saying that she was going to find a way, while making sure SW doesn't get the power. We saw that Adora later tried to make this particular promise to Mara, but Mara threw that out, telling Adora to be better, to rise above her lack of self belief.

A promise was made, though. She promised Catra. Their beautiful, childhood promise, the one she so casually broke way back when, her greatest mistake. And so Adora goes back for Catra, to be there for her, to try to help. If this Catra's end, she will be there for her... even if the cost is this high. She can't just let her die alone. She is honoring their promise...

And so… Adora finally… after all this time, puts Catra above her duty as She-ra. Her love for Catra is more important than fulfilling her heroic duty, and so SW can no longer manipulate her into giving up her life so SW can get the power. The girls have, in fact, transcended her manipulations, and as Adora leaves SW standing by the heart, SW is totally alone and without anything, anyone, left. She is, in fact, defeated by the girl’s love for each other... and so as SW looks towards the heart, she finally... makes... the right... choice. She gathers enough power from the heart to fight the monster...

>Horde Prime mocks Carta as she tries in vain to resist being pulled towards her death. When he invokes Adora's name, saying she will die, Catra shows her sadness, disappointment, at having come so close to being with her. He mocks her again, asking her if it was worth it. Catra shows defiance, then sorrow. The answer is yes, of course. Catra was willing to lay it all down to give Adora her shot at saving the universe, she's honoring their promise as best she can even if this is Adora's final act before her, and their, deaths. Catra has total belief that in this moment, that she needed to sacrifice herself for Adora. It seems like the natural outcome of fate, of the cruelty that is SW's and the universe's betrayals of the two of them their entire lives...

Heroic. Fucking. Music. SW shows up, charged from the Heart to take Catra's place. She's going to do one heroic and worthy thing of remembrance before she goes, since she is defeated and knows she won't get to have the heart's power.

Carta's disbelief is total, she can't understand how SW would ever do this for her. Her manipulation of them their whole lives was so total, so unfeeling. And yet, here she is. SW tells Carta to get to Adora and run. She forces Catra back and blocks the door. Catra still can't understand... and we finally... see Shadow Weaver show some actual real remorse for how empty her life is. She begs Catra to take Adora to the heart, to set the magic free. The one thing SW is dedicated to is magic, and she knows releasing the magic will restore the planet. Catra points out the obvious, that SW will die. Part of the reason Catra is so broken up by SW doing this is because Catra had just accepted her fate of dying in order to give Adora her chance to save everyone: Catra was willing to die for Adora even if Adora never found the courage to want Catra the way Catra wants her. And now SW takes her place? It doesn't make sense to her, as SW is a greedy person.

Shadow Weaver’s next series words are some of the most important in the entire series. And this is also the one redeeming quality she has... that she is a teacher. And she’s about to tell Catra something very, very... important.

She says: "It's too late for me." All her manipulations towards getting the power at the cost of the girls lives have been torn down, they've completely moved past her, she has no place in their lives anymore. The girls have learned to love each other so loyally that SW is done, finished.

"But you... this is only the beginning for you." Catra listens to this, searching for the deeper meaning... "I'm so proud of you, Catra." I think we all agree SW being 'proud' of Catra is a devastating line, Catra doesn't need or probably even want her abusers approval. I also think it is a lie, everything about SW says she's unable to feel actual compassion. But SW is a mastermind, and I think she's telling Catra she has respect for her. Catra ended up being the greatest enemy SW ever faced, she was so smart that she saw right through every manipulation SW made, and in the end, SW couldn't touch her. But theorizing aside, we see Catra cry... somehow, someway, SW finally seems to be showing Catra some amount of good in her, and so she cries, wondering where it comes from…

As Catra brings her hand back to uselessly flail at the barrier, Adora catches it. Catra looks back at Adora, surprised at her reappearance...

… right then we see Catra suddenly look away from Adora. It's quick, but we're seeing a dissociative moment: this is Catra realizing something very deep, and very meaningful...

Catra realizes, that in this moment, SW has chosen to do something that is much more than just dying in Catra's place.

She has given Adora to her.

All of Catra's life, Shadow Weaver has stood between her and Adora, love was a thing Catra was not allowed to have. But the girls, together, have transcended all of her abuse and manipulation. They have seen through her plan and risen above every cruelty, and have blocked SW's manipulations to use them for her own gain. And so, a defeated SW chooses now, to give Catra the most beautiful of gifts...

Catra puts it all together, filled with clarity: SW is telling her that Adora doesn't have to die, she can survive this. That they can survive the Heart!!! And Catra is the key, as SW has told her: "This is only the beginning, for you."

Catra is now given this knowledge freely by SW, and thus given hope. SW stands before them, totally defeated, in awe of Catra's incredible growth and cunning and that she was able to see through her plan, and how strongly the two girls have come to love each other. So, SW is giving Catra her fullest respect, and as a last act before her death she is passing Catra newfound hope that the two of them can overcome this, that they can survive...

Shadow Weaver removes her mask, showing Catra her face. It's not a face of manipulation, as we expect, no, there's respect, even, dare I say, gratitude. SW didn't have to do this, Catra knows that. And yet, Catra managed to show SW something she never expected to see. And so, by outthinking and so totally defeating her, by making SW see that all her manipulations were discovered and therefore wouldn't work no matter which way she turned, and by getting Adora understand the urgency of not letting SW win, Catra has won this final, beautiful gift…

“You're welcome…”

As Catra watches SW make her final sacrifice... her one good deed... she looks on, stunned. Life is never quite so simple as you think it is, and since returning to Adora, Catra has seen so many acts of generosity she didn't really believe were possible... and now... this...

Catra lets Adora cry for a moment, then tells her they have to go. Catra is filled with new urgency... they will face this final challenge together. As she resolutely carries Adora towards the heart, she knows she's now in charge of their fate... and as they face this final task, Catra is searching for a way to save Adora, and to save their love once and for all...

All of this has huge implications for what then happens with the girls when they reach the heart chamber, but that's a topic better discussed another time…

Some final notes here. It's my belief that Shadow Weaver is the overarching villain of the story, who spans all seasons of She-ra, and is far more important to the plot than Horde Prime is. Furthermore, understanding Shadow Weaver as this kind of villain is a stepping stone to explaining many other important plot points in the series, and we can build on it to understand a lot of the most important moments in the show.

My personal belief about this story is that the writers had such a diverse room of people of LGBTQIA+ and other backgrounds, each with their own trials and pains they had to overcome, that as a team, their goal was to bring to light as many of these struggles that they could. But as for this most central story, my guess is they wanted to tell us a story about overcoming real darkness that exists in our world, as well as Etheria, because sometimes that's how it is. And so the right thing, the only thing to do is to overcome and move past such people, to not let them control your life.

All this is to say that I think the moral of Shadow Weaver in the story isn't about finding the good in her, but about rising above her and the fundamental darknesses that we all sometimes face. And our girls do this through love, at no point do they use violence. And that makes this story very, very... special.

Thanks for reading. Until next time…

~EtheriaDearie

P.S. :: as I am new to tumblr, if you enjoyed reading this, please consider giving me a reblogg! Thanks!! 🙇💛

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bluenet13 · 4 years ago

Text

Fix You

Loving Carlos is now TK's drug of choice, but after pushing his boyfriend away his cravings threaten to take away his sobriety. Meanwhile Carlos struggles after the fight, not knowing what he could have done differently or how to move forward. Both boys lost in their own insecurities and heartbreaks until they manage to find their way back to each other.

Or three missing scenes from 2x12: TK before he ends up at Owen's house, Carlos after he leaves the firehouse, and Tarlos in the aftermath of the fire.

Links: ff.net - AO3

TK rubbed both hands against his pant legs as he stumbled down the darkened alley. Breath drawing small, foggy circles in the air as it came faster than usual, colliding with the cold night air and evaporating just as quickly as the man's brisk pace blew the condensation away.

Reaching the end of the street, TK drew the hood of his sweater even lower onto his eyes, and looked both ways. There weren't many cars on this road so late at night, but there were many streetlights that proved to be a bigger threat. But TK had done this before, not in Austin, but in New York. And if TK had managed to avoid the lights, street cameras, and prying eyes of a city that never sleeps, he could surely do it in a town that only had one star to offer. Austin was a small town after all. But it never hurt to be careful, especially when one Strand was already in jail.

A crash sounded from a nearby dumpster and TK jumped. Turning around he half expected to find Carlos following him, but the street was completely deserted. He was half disappointed.

Closing his eyes and releasing a long breath, TK steeled his nerves and resumed his journey. Fingers now tapped impatiently against his thumb in a continuous, alternating pattern. Index. Middle. Ring. Pinky. A desperate cycle that circled as much as his thoughts. Carlos' confession. Hard words. A push. A hug, or more like a hold. The order of events replayed on his mind following the rhythmic movement of his fingers. A vicious obsession that had him stuck in reverse. Mind stuck on that damn moment in the apparatus bay, failing to catch up with the speed of his steps.

Reaching his destination, TK took a moment to try to convince himself to turn around. But the pain was too raw. And he was tired of fighting his own mind. Loving Carlos was his drug of choice now and with that gone his cravings had only intensified.

He had tried to sleep it off. Had stood alone in the balcony of the fire station as his team left after their shift was over. All six of his teammates stealing quick, worried glances his way, but in the end, they had all left. Not because they didn't care, they had all tried to get him to talk, but there was only one person he wanted to talk to and he had fucked it all up. His friends had said that Carlos would understand, to go knock on his door and make it right. TK had promised he would. But instead he had stayed rooted in place as he regretted all his life choices.

Just yesterday he could have said all his mistakes had led him to Austin and one Carlos Reyes. But today TK didn't have that luxury anymore. Today all his mistakes had left him with nothing. So TK had shook his head, and exited the firehouse with the desire to just sink into oblivion. He had gotten in his car and driven to an empty parking lot in between Carlos' condo, their condo, and Owen's apartment. And he had really tried to sleep it off. Tears clouding his eyes as he rested his head on his folded arms on top of the steering wheel. Sleep hadn't come. So TK had exited the car, locked the door, and turned around.

He had walked for miles and now he found himself here. Tears then sprang to his eyes again as Owen's voice asked 'why?' and Carlos' gruff tone begged him to 'listen to me and calm down'. Just like he had whispered close to his ear on so many nights alone in their bedroom when TK's past seemed to overwhelm him and his cravings became too much to handle on his own. But his dad and boyfriend weren't here, and those voices were nothing but echoes of conversations long past. Now TK was alone, just like he had been that fateful night back in New York.

Wiping the tears angrily from his eyes, TK took a decisive step forward and never looked back. Drawing some bills from his pocket as he had done so many times before, he did the quick exchange and walked away. The bag threatened to burn a whole on his hand so TK threw it in his pocket and walked faster. Where? He didn't know. He had nowhere to go now.

When he felt comfortable with the distance between his score and his current location, TK slowed down and finally came to a stop. Sitting down on the steps of some abandoned house, TK reached inside his pocket and pulled out his fix. Then he carefully unzipped the small bag and dropped two pills on his palm. So small, and seemingly inoffensive, but nobody knew their destructive potential more than TK. They wrecked lives, relationships and people. But TK didn't feel like he had anything to lose anymore.

Closing his eyes, he moved his hand towards his mouth but stopped just a few inches away. We make a pretty good team. We really do, don't we? Afraid so. The words echoed in his mind, and seemingly a thousand memories flashed in front of his eyes, from that first accident scene in a cold and rainy Austin night, to Carlos' retreating form after TK lashed out at him just hours before.

Tears now streamed freely down his face and TK blinked a few times, willing them to stop. But in the darkness of his mind, he only saw light. And Carlos' cow eyes looking back at him. They really wrecked people and suddenly TK's tears were no longer just that, but full-blown, body shaking sobs as all his pain, worry, regrets, guilt and desperation came pouring out of him.

And before TK knew what was happening he was standing up, fist shaking at his hide, and pills still held tightly on his palm. Without thinking TK let out a guttural cry and threw the pills as far away from himself as he could, the motion ending with his fist connecting harshly against the wall. Pain ricocheted all around his body, but TK felt alive and more clear-headed than before. So he let himself slide down the wall, and just cried. Knees drawn tightly against his chest, head resting on top of his folded arms.

In the last months, Carlos had managed to turn the gray of his life into a rainbow, and now he just had to cross it. So rubbing his bruised knuckles, TK let the lights guide him home. He wasn't ready to see Carlos just yet, and he thought maybe the other man wasn't ready either, or he would have come looking for him, so TK got up from the dirty street, walked back to his car and drove to Owen's house instead. The darkened alley stayed behind, as this night became no more than just some wasted dollar bills. TK would gladly part with those, but he was stronger now, they were stronger now, and he wasn't ready to part with his sobriety just yet. And he would never be ready to part with Carlos, so tomorrow he would make it right, but today he would just go to Owen's house. And if luck happened to be on his side tonight, maybe Mateo would be home so he wouldn't need to be alone. He really didn't want to be alone.

-x-x-x-

Carlos' walk from the firehouse back to his car was the longest of his life. He had made that same walk more than a hundred times but today it felt like someone had stretched the building because this was talking too long. With every step, he thought of turning back around. But TK had been clear, and if that hadn't been enough Judd had added all the certainty he needed. So, Carlos went against his heart, and continued to walk forward.

Reaching his squad car, Carlos felt like he could finally breathe again. But even then, he still wanted to walk back into the building. Because Carlos would rather choke and even relinquish his breath if it meant that he could hold TK in his arms again. But this wasn't about what he wanted, but what TK needed, and right now, TK didn't need him.

So Carlos opened the door and climbed in, relieved that Mitchell had allowed him the courtesy of doing this alone, but still blowing up his phone with questions. He would speak to her later, but right now Carlos just wanted to curl up in a ball and let go. But he wouldn't do that now, not here.

Reaching the parking lot of the grocery store he shopped at with TK, Carlos drove to the back and parked away from the many trucks lining the street. And then he allowed himself to break down. Tears streamed down his face, and he tried to blink them away, but quickly they turned into sobs, and his body was shaking and he was powerless to stop it all. And the only man that could, had just literally pushed him away not an hour ago.

Drawing a hand over his shoulder and chest, Carlos remembered TK's anger, how his body had vibrated with the emotional pressure that bounced around him in search of an outlet. How he had become that outlet. And it hurt, not in the physical sense, because he knew TK hadn't meant to hurt him, but just wanted to run away like he so often did when he was overwhelmed. But TK's shove had seemingly bypassed skin and gone right for his heart, and that pain was harder to fathom or forget.

The brief conversation played over and over again in his mind, and Carlos wondered what he could have done differently to avoid that outcome. But it would have always been Carlos and TK, with their pasts, presents, and futures, in a baggage, in their minds, and in their hearts, so the outcome would have always been the same. It was a fact, but it didn't make the reality of it hurt any less.

When Carlos' tears finally ran out, his heartbreak had seemed to go with it, and now he was angry. At Owen, at Gabriel, at TK, at himself. He was just angry with the universe and the unfairness of it all, so he lashed out, hitting his steering wheel one, two, three times, until his knuckles began to hurt. But the pain seemed to anchor him and pull him back from the edge.

Carlos could still feel TK's hands on him, not loving and exploring, but hurt and angry, and the sensation threatened to break his heart in two. He knew TK was a physical guy, he just never expected to be on the receiving end of that with anything but love, comfort and affection. But that's just who TK was and Carlos loved every part of him. In their time together, Carlos had learned that TK craved what was tangible, probably because so much of his past had been spent floating in the clouds. That meant that sometimes TK sought reassuring touches: fingers intertwined, a shoulder squeeze, a hand over a knee. Other times he got physical in bed, or the couch, the shower, or the floor and every time Carlos reciprocated with a smile. But on fewer occasions, when TK's upset with himself or the world, and his restless energy couldn't be released by a caring touch, his self-destructive tendencies won and he craved other types of physicality. He hit the punching bag, he punched two Texans at a bar, and this time, he shoved Carlos against a firetruck... Carlos understood, but it still hurt.

That second to last thought made Carlos stop dead in his tracks, as he thought back to one of their first meetings. When TK had been cuffed, bruised and beaten, sitting on his desk at the station after just being arrested after a bar fight. TK had said he wanted to feel something, and for Carlos now it was the opposite. He wanted to feel nothing at all. But he knew you couldn't choose either way, that's not how life worked. But did TK?

Panic rose in his chest as he remembered the rest of that conversation, and TK's confession, and for a moment Carlos willed his frantic thoughts to stop. He grabbed his phone and searched his contacts, see you tonight, babe, I love you. TK's last text message mocking him with a promise that wouldn't happen now.

Carlos' finger hovered over TK's name for a few minutes, more than a few times coming almost close enough to connect the call, but in the end, Carlos just set his phone back down and closed his eyes. The fear was still there, an all encompassing terror that mocked him with TK's words from that day, with substances.

But Carlos pushed it all down. The pain, the heartbreak, the guilt, but above all, the instinctual need to play hero, to be a savior, and TK's knight in shining armor. Today was not the time for that. Not out of anger, because God knows he could never be angry at TK, but just because as much as he wanted to fix things, he knew this day wasn't his to fix. At least not until tomorrow.

TK needed space, and if he was honest with himself, he did too. Talking now could lead to another fight and heated words, and he wasn't sure they could come back from two of those on the same day. At least not unscathed and without hearts seriously bruised. And Carlos really wanted to avoid that if at all possible.

So even if it hurt, he would let TK be, and hope for the best. If the worst happened, Carlos would be there to pick up the pieces. But TK had a team now, and he was currently surrounded by them. But more importantly, Carlos simply had faith in TK, in the strength of his character and all the love in his heart he had to give.

Today Carlos would lick his wounds and patch up his heart, but tomorrow he would fix this. Because as much as he might want to deny it, a fixer is what he was. And he would always be ready to fix TK, so he continued to avoid his next fix. Even though Carlos loved the whole of him, cracks in the armor, baggage on his back, and doubts on his heart; but he knew TK wanted to be better and continue turning his life around and who was he to deny the love of his life anything. But until then, Carlos would finish his shift, go home and release his stress in the kitchen. Maybe cook something and have it ready for whenever TK returned home.

-x-x-x-

"TK… how are you doing?" Carlos asked, drawing his oxygen mask down.

"I'm fine," TK instinctively replied, voice raspy after all the smoke they had inhaled during the fire, "and push that over your face." Turning sideways, TK pulled the mask back over his boyfriend's face. One of his own secured around his face. And an extra large blanket spread over both of their bodies as they laid together on a bed in their hospital room.

After the fire was put off, and everyone had calmed down, TK and Carlos had wanted nothing more than to go home together and curl up in bed, but they no longer had a home to go to, so when their fathers and friends had insisted on getting checked out at the hospital they had easily agreed. Their families and friends had been with them for a while but had eventually left knowing the boys needed time to themselves. And now here they were.

"Really?" Carlos pressed, brow quirked upward.

"I am," TK said, surprisingly managing to sound confident even in the midst of being the victims of a serial arsonist and almost losing their lives.

"How?" Carlos wondered. He was usually the calm and collected one, but right now he felt the world spinning out of its axis.

"I still have you," TK said simply, running his fingers through Carlos' curls. His boyfriend unconsciously leaned into his touch, making TK smile.

"Yeah," Carlos breathed out. "But we have nothing else."

"Carlos, with you, I always feel like I have the world. So much that I often feel like I don't deserve this much… or you." TK's eyes darkened as he remembered the previous night and how close he had come to losing his sobriety, but he pushed the memory away. Carlos had enough to deal with right now, but TK promised to himself to tell him later, because once they had become an official couple, they had promised to never hide anything from each other, and a fire might burn down their house, but it didn't touch their promises. "Losing the condo hurts, a lot. But, as long as we have each other, I think we will be okay. At least I know I will, and I hope you will too."

Carlos turned to TK and hated the brief uncertainty that he saw in his eyes, so he lowered his mask again, then followed suit with TK's, and turned sideways. TK met him in the middle and they shared a kiss. It tasted of smoke and ash but Carlos and TK pressed forward and deepened it. Showing destiny that together they would always be stronger than any force that tried to destroy them. Stronger than the fire that had burned down their physical home. They were earth, steady and each other's rock and grounding presence. Water, drowning in each other's depth and flowing into each other until they became the perfect team. And free like air, ready to be the wind behind their sails, and always each other's breath of fresh air.

"I love you," Carlos said when air became a necessity, which happened more quickly than it usually did, given they had already been deprived of oxygen enough for one night.

TK said nothing to that, just pulled Carlos to him and kissed him again. Because they had also been deprived of each other, and right now they'd both rather share their oxygen and give in to that stronger desire. And proving Carlos' thoughts from the previous day right, TK quickly got physical, hands roaming over Carlos' body, as he tried to touch every part of him. But this time, Carlos knew TK wasn't looking for a repeat of what had happened earlier that day in what used to be their bedroom. Tonight, TK's hands only sought reassurance. And Carlos had the same necessity, so he let his arms move freely too. Each touch letting the other know that they were truly okay, they had survived, and that's all that mattered in this moment. All the rest could be dealt with at a later time.

"I love you, too," TK said eventually, when oxygen was running low again, a barely suppressed cough making Carlos' brows furrow in concern. "And I'm sorry you lost your apartment. I know how much that place meant to you."

"Our apartment, TK. Our," Carlos said softly, "maybe once we find a new place and start over again, you will finally start calling it our." A breathy laugh escaped his lips, but it never reached his eyes. "And it did mean a lot to me, but not nearly as much as the man I shared it with. Last year that condo was just a house, babe. Only after you came around did it become a home."

"You're my home too, Carlos," TK croaked, moving his finger over Carlos' face trying to get rid of some soot that still clung to his boyfriend's skin. "And I'm so happy you're okay. For a moment there, I also didn't think we were gonna make it out." Suddenly, TK's expression changed as he stared as his darkened finger and his eyes clouded with tears. "Oh God, I could have really lost you tonight." In that moment, the dam finally broke and all of his emotions came cascading down, his breath turning into small wheezes as TK finally let his guard down. He had been strong for the two of them during the fire, letting his firefighter instinct kick in as they fought to stay alive and then stood outside the charred structure that had been their house. But now the reality of everything was catching up to him and TK could do nothing but break down.

"Hey, come here," Carlos whispered, turning all the way to the side and pulling TK into his chest, his arms going protectively around him. "Baby, you're okay, we're okay. Breathe TK, it's okay, we're okay," he whimpered, tears streaming down his face now too.

For the next few minutes the only sounds in the room were the noise of the medical equipment, the barely suppressed sniffs and coughs that managed to escape the two men, and the many whispered promises only for each other to hear.

"Are we going to be okay?" TK asked eventually, voice muffled by Carlos' shirt.

Drawing back, Carlos looked at TK and tried to read his boyfriend. Trying to keep a calm appearance even as his heart threatened to beat out of his chest. "What do you mean?"

"You and me, Carlos. Can we get past this?"

"Do you want to?"

"Of course!"

"Then we will," Carlos said with full certainty. "Where there's a will there's a way. Especially for two people that make such a good team."

"Okay," TK said simply. "Tomorrow we can get an Airbnb, or go to one of the six houses offered to us, and start looking for a new place. We will both be out of work for at least a week or two, so we have time to start the process at least."

"Yeah." Carlos smiled, glad to set their sights into the future and not on what had been lost today. "And you know what's the first thing we're getting for our new bedroom?"

TK looked up and scrunched his nose as he thought about it deeply. "A bed? Although we are pretty good on the floor too. As long as the room's carpeted," he offered, a proud, little teasing smile on his face.

"You're adorable when you're trying to be flirty," Carlos let out with a chuckle. "But no. A fire extinguisher for the bedroom."

And TK could only grin at that. Carlos joining him soon after. Their relieved laughter echoing in the room as their eyes started fluttering closed.

"Carlos?"

"TK?"

"I'm sorry. For fighting you, and pushing you. I should have never done that. Sometimes I still revert to old habits, but I know that's no excuse. And I'm very sorry."

"We said-"

"I know what we said, Carlos."

"TK we almost died today. The fight, it doesn't matter, and we agreed-"

"Babe, I know, I know, but just listen to me. The fact something worse happened, doesn't mean what I did was right. You are always there for me, and you didn't deserve to be treated that way," TK said sincerely, looking up into Carlos' eyes and moving a shaky hand to wipe some stray tears from his cheeks. "Besides, if you can apologize a hundred times for the fire extinguisher, I can apologize for something that really needs forgiving. I love you, Carlos." TK also wanted to say that in hindsight, a fire extinguisher would have achieved nothing in that fire, but he let Carlos have that small, manageable thing to focus on, instead of the ruin that had become their home.

"I love you, too TK," Carlos breathed out, "and I forgive you, but there's one thing you can do to make it up to me."

"Anything."

"My turn." Carlos turned himself over on the bed, so his back was to TK and sighed deeply as soon as TK hugged him close to his chest. "Thank you." He grabbed his boyfriend's hand in his and intertwined their fingers, but quickly frowned at what he saw there. "What happened to your hand?"

"I could ask the same thing about yours, babe," TK said knowingly, "we can exchange stories tomorrow. There's a lot we still have to talk about. But now, sleep. We have work to do tomorrow, and a home to start rebuilding."

"Okay," Carlos agreed easily, knowing there were still some talks they needed to have, with each other, but also their dads. Because TK might have been the one that pushed Carlos, but Owen and Gabriel had pushed them both into that situation. But that could all wait until tomorrow. "Good night, TK."

"Sleep well, Carlos."

TK's existence had been gray before Carlos, and Carlos' life had just been black and white. But, tonight, even in the midst of the fire that destroyed their physical home, their lives were full of color. Because all that had been lost could be fixed, and that only meant there was something still worth fighting for. And they still had their families, their friends, and each other, and that was the only home that truly mattered, and that if lost, could never be replaced. Everything else would just fall back into place, as inevitable as TK and Carlos falling for each other.

So, content in each other's arms, and just happy to be alive, Carlos and TK finally drifted off to sleep. Oxygen masks discarded to the side, blanket halfway to the floor. Knuckles, hearts and egos bruised. But a smile on their faces. Because for as long as they were a team they knew they could do anything. And they were lucky, because The Reyes and Strand families truly made a pretty good team.

#911 lone star #911 lone star fanfiction #tarlos #tk strand #carlos reyes #coda 2x12 #The Big Heat

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katnissmellarkkk · 4 years ago

Text

Okay, here we go! Imma do my liveblog of The Hunger Games, Chapter One, for #THGagain :

I’ll put my thoughts underneath the cut so I don’t clog up the dash 🥳

Okay but right off the bat, Katniss says her mattress cover is rough 🥺. I don’t know, this just made me sad all of a sudden.

So okay, but the fact that Prim had a bad dream and climbed in with their mother? I don’t know if that indicates that Prim still sees their mother as a source of comfort whereas Katniss can’t let herself feel the same way or if it’s just because she didn’t want to wake Katniss.

Maybe it’s supposed to be that Prim is too naive to understand that their mother is mentally fragile? Since in Mockingjay, she says “I know there’s only so much mother can hear,” or something like that, as a way to prove she’s not a little kid anymore sooo. I don’t know. Just some thoughts.

Katniss is shady towards mama right off the bat 🤣. Katniss is shady no matter what though. It’s what makes her narration sound like a teenage girl.

If Katniss is so anti-social though, who’s telling her her mother was once beautiful?

As a cat lover, I take offense to Katniss’ insults to the poor one eyed furball 😭.

So coal miners are also women? I suspected as much but I didn’t realize it was explicitly stated? So if Katniss�� life had gone differently, would she have become a coal miner?

So none of the houses in Twelve get electricity outside of a couple hours a night? Or just in the Seam?

I always forget that Katniss had nightmares even before the games 😔😔😔. Nightmares of her father “being blown to bits.” She has a vivid way with words.

Her father made her bow 🥺🥺. I knew that. I just thought I should mention it again. She uses the bow her father handmade throughout the series 🥺.

Also she says Peacekeepers turn a blind eye to “the few of them who hunt”. A few is more than two. Who else besides Katniss and Gale go hunting?

I like that she randomly starts mumbling to herself 🤣🤣🤣

Once upon a time, Katniss was outspoken apparently. But she mentions that she has to hold her tongue even at home because Prim may repeat her words. I don’t know why, but Prim seems immature for twelve years old. At twelve, in today’s society, you’re going into sixth grade. A sixth grader should know how to keep a secret or hold her tongue.

Gale says she never smiles but in the woods but isn’t that the only place they really spend time together? 🤣

“I kind of liked that lynx but I liked the money I got for it’s pelt more” 😂😂😂

An arrow inside bread. How fortuitous 😭😭😭

I do love that Katniss’ first introduction of Gale is “he could be my brother”

“But we’re at least not that closely related” 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

“Katniss, get off your cousin”

Even though the merchant class is smaller

Meaning they’re even more inbred

And Katniss is half merch-

Okay I’m done with this line of thinking 🤭😅

So backwoods 🤣

So did Mrs. Everdeen’s parents disown her? Or what? Do they still own that apothecary shop? Does Katniss occasionally walk by her grandparents in the town square? Like I’d like more context here, Suz 🙃

Aww, I always feel so bad for Katniss when she talks about her mother abandoning her 😭😩🥺

“But to be honest, I’m not the forgiving type” me either. Me either 🤧.

This may be why I so closely relate to her when she’s angry.

And why when people in the book say she needs to be more forgiving (ala Haymitch) I’m like “no”

I’m sorry but on second glance (more like 8th glance because I’ve read this chapter since I was 16) it’s so obvious Gale was hitting on her here 😅.

She’s oblivious 🤣🤣🤣

As she should be 😆

So later on, in the second book at least, Katniss definitely has some high respect for Hazelle Hawthorne. But here it seems to be like she’s implying Hazelle and her own mother are useless without her and Gale, and like they wouldn’t be able to provide for themselves. Maybe Hazelle just wasn’t fleshed out to Suzanne when she wrote the first book, the same way the love triangle you can tell if you look is sort of just tossed in there in the first book too? Anyways, just a thought.

That line about Prim being the only person Katniss is certain that she loves is sweet (it’s actually one of my favorite lines in the series) but it’s also so shady at the same time 😅😅😅. Like girl, you’re not sure if you love your mother or even your best friend (in a platonic way)?

Katniss makes a point in mentioning it took a long time for her and Gale to become friends. And I feel like that has been simplified a lot along the way, but it never really sounded to me like Katniss and Gale were besties for as long as most people think. The movies are a lot to blame for this, I know.

I don’t actually think Katniss is truly jealous here of the other girls wanting Gale? I feel like if she were she would have unconsciously insulted the school girls who were into him instead of just outright saying she was jealous, just not for romantic reasons. But who knows 🤷🏼‍♀️.

It was already mentioned earlier but I think Suzanne made a continuity error here, when Gale and Katniss mentioned fishing at the lake. The lake is a place Katniss explicitly mentioned in Catching Fire, to be private between her and her father. She even specially said she never took Gale there. I feel much better about my own writing continuity errors now.

Okay, both Katniss and Gale are so dumb. I would never prepare a feast for after the reaping. They’re just jinxing themselves. I have OCD really bad no one come for me.

I like how The Hob is a black market that’s literally just sitting in broad daylight 🤣🤣🤣.

Katniss just referenced being attacked by dogs... um I’m sorry, do we have no fear of rabies in this universe? 😭😭🙃🙃😐😐😅😅

Katniss : “me and the mayor’s daughter aren’t friends, we just hang out all the time at school, eat lunch together, sit by each other and are always partners. But weren’t not friends.” 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

I like the mention of hair ribbons for the rich girl. This is just the fic writer in me seeping into my reading.

Gale and Madge’s little dispute ...

I see why they get shipped together 😅. They’re both just taking swipes at each other here.

Awww, Katniss sticking up for Madge, even though Madge is the privileged one 😭. Katniss has such a pure heart.

The entire point of the Madge/Gale interaction though was just to set up the class divide explanation in Katniss’ head to the reader.

But my Peeta centric heart also picks up on the comments in Katniss’ head of how unlikely it is to be chosen at the reaping when you’re a town kid.

In other words, Peeta had a slim to none chance of being chosen and still was.

Now I think of it, so was Prim...

That was just an unlucky reaping for the kids without tesserae 🙃

Also it reminds me of every fic I ever read that mentioned a conspiracy in the reapings and how the kids aren’t actually chosen at random but anyways I digress

I feel Gale though, with the whole idea of knowing something isn’t this person’s fault and there’s nothing they could do but still being so angry at them because it isn’t fair that you have to suffer and they don’t.

My anger issues are really showing 😅😅😅.

Honestly though, if Katniss is saying Gale on a normal day is rational about the class divide not being merchants faults, then clearly his issues with Peeta later on really were just of jealousy and not because he was a merchant vs Seam.

I just feel like I’ve seen that around and I’m not really convinced

In my interpretation of the character, Katniss’ reasons for not sharing in Gale’s rage comes from exhaustion after a lifetime of powerlessness. Some people (re: females more often) just get worn out about the things they cannot change and can’t even let it get inside their brain because there’s nothing they could do about it.

I mean, she is a more understanding person than Gale but I feel like so much of her character is already so tired right from chapter one.

Okay, just a pointless rambling thought

“Where something pretty” these children are so shady 🤣🤣🤣 that’s a line I would say though

The fact that her like 42 year old mother still fits in a dress she wore at like 20 is really a testament to how hungry they are 🤧🤧🤧

Okay but I’m not trying to pick on her mother, but when they were starving, why did either she or Katniss sell the fancy clothes from her apothecary days? I’m nitpicking I know. I’m a nitpicker.

Also good for Katniss trying to forgive her mother.

God knows how hard it is for me to try and forgive people.

Literally, God knows.

I like that Katniss didn’t disagree with Prim saying she’s beautiful, just that she doesn’t usually look this way 😂😂😂.

I just know my sister wouldn’t let me not take tesserae if this was us. She’d be like “you’ll be fine, four entries? Please. We can have more food for an entire year, don’t be selfish.” 😅😅😅

I feel like noting that Katniss and Prim’s age gap isn’t that significant? Four years? That’s not that large. Not even at 12 and 16.

They herd these children off like they’re .... pigs going to a slaughter... 🤭🤭🤭

Katniss casually stating “I could be shot on a daily basis” 😐😐😐

Katniss and Gale agreeing they’d rather be shot than starve is honestly so sad but lowkey sounds like something two teenagers would say. They should have put dialogue like this in the movies.

I didn’t even remember District 12 has 8,000 people.... why’d I think they only had 3,000????

I need to update some of my fics with this information

Katniss just said “televised by the state”. I’ve never heard her call any region a state before?

I like that Katniss calls Effie’s grin scary and white, because tons of people (i.e me) whiten our teeth in today’s society. And to Katniss and probably all of Twelve that’s creepy. I think it’s weird to Europeans too but l digress.

Also do the people in this district brush and floss, they never seem to mention it in the books, ya know?

Honestly the idea of the hunger games sounded cooler without Songbirds and Snakes telling us it was just some dumb guy’s idea that no one ever thought would come true.

Aww, sugar is a delicacy 🤧🤧🤧

I knew already that but lemme fully feel that sentiment for a moment okey

Umm I’m sorry, did Mayor Undersee just casually state Lucy Gray Baird’s name every year and we never knew it? Did Snow just allow this? Seems suspish

Also the idea of Katniss being her distant relative and hearing the name and not knowing the connection... and yeah, anyways. I got wayyyy ahead of myself and off track sorry

Why would Haymitch hug Effie? I’m sorry, but Hayffie having a secret affair at some point in all the years they worked together seems more likely than I thought.

I mean, Katniss never mentions Haymitch hugging anyone besides her and Peeta when they just almost died, are about to die or that one time Katniss was sobbing because she thought Peeta was gonna die.

You know what though? I like that at this moment, when the name is about to be announced, Katniss worried about herself. She spends so much time worrying for her sister, babying her sister, mothering her sister, she deserves ten seconds of worrying for her own safety.

Of course, said sister is the one chosen. Ironic considering the whole encounter with Madge.

Okay, I think that concludes my thoughts for chapter one of The Hunger Games!

#thgagain #I’m not tagging anything else because this is so long I’m so sorry if anyone tries to read this mess 😅😅😅😅😅🤧🤧🤧🤧

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sneakerdoodle · 4 years ago

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I was going to release this as a long video essay but devices and software had conspired against me and eventually drained my patience, so here it is in the written form. My magnum opus. My 15 pages long analysis of the three Infinity Train seasons currently out.

1. Introduction

So for starters, I watched Infinity Train way too late, only a few weeks before the release of Book 3. And it immediately gave me MANY many thoughts, head full... Needless to say, when the first 5 episodes of Book 3 were released I was HYPED. So hyped that, being on a vacation out in the countryside, with better connection only availble upon climbing a nearby hill, I made some. sacrifices. To get there after dark, when everyone else was sound asleep.

[id: two screenshots of separate discord messages by someone with a handle “fern”, one reading “ also i decided to not risk bothering people/dogs by opening the gate, so i jumped the swamp instead, except i didn’t actually cover it, my foot got stuck, i barely saved my shoe, and i need to do that again to get back bc i am locked out”, another reading “well” with a photo of a person’s legs covered in black dirst from feet to knees. end id]

And by the rules of friendly bullying, I am now destined to have that night haunt me forever. Naturally.

[id:discord chat search results for the word ”swamp” (38 results found), cropped so that a part of one message is readable, saying “... KNOW it was the SWAMP that embraced ME, not the other way around”, another (by someone with a handle “Fleur” saying “you already DID embrace a swamp”. end id]

[id: a message from the same person saying “he asks ‘how was your swamp’”. end id]

[id: a message from the same person saying “big words coming from mx. soggy feet” with an angry red overlay. end id]

And, well. The first two Books had left me with a sense of assuredness, the underlying motif of them appearing empowering and infinitely comforting, and I was excited to get another supporting pillar in season 3. Another story to turn to in time of need to remind me that I have the power to make my life a better one, that it is never too late to make something of where I am. And, well, it's not that Book 3 didn't continue the topic of personal choice and growth, but the story it told added... let's say, more weight to the idea of personal development.

That is perhaps only natural: narratives need to grow, to develop, to take the themes explored in them further, deeper with every coil of the spiral. And a more, grave, exploration of them will only bring them closer to life. But in the aftermath of Book 3 I had to deal with a certain sense of powerlessness, not being able to fit it into a neat system, put it on a shelf in a shiny frame of witty analysis and call it a day. But, quite ironically, I believe that this exact feeling of unending change and death of comfort is the exact thing the show wants us to get comfortable with. And that's what I want to talk about here. Infinity Train's core narrative of an individual versus the wrold, individual versus change. The very concept of personhood, the relationship between the person and their environment and the way to approach it that is shown as perhaps the most productive.

I’ll start with my Many Thoughts on the first two books to explain what I thought was the underlying message of both of them.

2. Book 1: The Perennial Child and the Unproducitve Protagonist Complex

Book 1 establishes the core elements of the narrative wonderfully, the writing is smooth, effortless, beautiful and takes you on a wonderul, deeply impactful and bittersweet emotional ride. We have Tulip, The Perennial Child herself, who has to renegotiate her relationship with the world, with life, change, and other people's power to bring said change. Tulip is also to learn true connection and make peace with its price.

The narrower narrative of a story centered around a divorce is a perfect gateway into a broader one, so let's explore the specifics of the foremer first. Tulip's mindset is the mindset of a child from a dysfunctional family. The notion of blame is very strong in her perception of the world. On one hand, she sufferes from a misplaced sense of responsibility for the way things are, as she admits in her conversation with One One. That is the most natural for someone who grew up in an unstable environment, with parents whose relationship was not harmonic and healthy. A child caught in the middle of adults' anger and argumments internalizes that anger and those arguments as something having to do with them. And that's what we see Tulip go through, with her having to listen to her parents fight because of her needs.

[id: a screenshot from Infinity Train Book 1 showing younger Tulip, a read-headed girl, sitting between her two parents upset as her father is telling something to her mother angrily. end id]

Tulip also has to step in as a caregiver to a suffering adult, tucking her dad in at night; the dialogue emphasizes that their usual roles are being reversed in that situation. Growing up in the middle of constant conflicts, having to provide care and comfort and stability to someone who was supposed to take care of her, had naturally resulted in a deeply ingrained painful perception that Tulip is the one responsible for her environment, is the one to blame when it is “broken”, and is the one who should step up and fix it, make it right.

Then, on the other hand, there is the notion of blame Tulip puts on others, specifically her parents. Here, we see the same mindset but reversed: Tulip feels caught in the middle of their divorce and demands that they make it right, make it work, for her sake. She needs her family, she needs stability, she needs her parents to work out their schedules, she needs to get to the game design camp. And she is prone to seeing her parents as people who are cruelly destroying her life and her family for no apparent reason.

I am not calling her entitled, of course; ideally, stability is exactly what parents need to provide their children with. That is their mission. And when they fail, it is more than natural for children to feel hurt and betrayed. In a way, they are. Tulip's agony over her parents' divorce is never mocked nor undermined in the show, either; it is shown with the deepest compassion. So this is not so much about calling her feeligns invalid, but about looking for ways to redefine the situation in a way that would help Tulip heal. The way out of her agony seems to be to abandon the mindset that puts her at the center of her family life – and at the center of the world, in general. Things are not that simple; people have reasons for behaving the way that they do outside of how it affects her; and avoiding and rejecting that truth hurts her, first and foremost. Feeling like the center of the universe isn't so much selfish or arrogant or toxic; it's just painful, and Tulip needs to step out of it, for her own sake.

[id: screenshot from Infinity Train Book 1 showing the two adults from before, Tulip’s parents, with exaggerated demonic features, surrounded by flames. end id]

An important thing to discuss is that the notion of “blame” can only exist if there is indeed something wrong with the world. Let's go back to Tulip's defining conversation with One One, in which she gets to say some incredibly important words: “It's not your fault the car is this way.There isn't a fault, it just is.”. “No fault” can mean “no one to blame” as much as “there is actually nothing wrong with the world”. The words “It just is” carry this simple and raw reality check that forces us to accept the way things are, with no emotional withdrawal or avoidance of it.

The world simply is the way it is, and even if the way it is hurts us, it doesn't mean that what hurts us is wrong.

I would like to suggest that the Unfinished Car itself, the residents of which continue adapting to their unconventional reality and genuinely thriving in it through acceptance and flexibility, are here to emphasize that. We may not like the way things are, but that doesn't mean we should go looking for someone to blame and force to “fix” them, be out ourselves and others. We shouldn't ferociously attack what hurts us with wrenches, kicking and screaming and tyring to get it to Work Already. Sometimes the only thing we can do is to accept the reality of it, let go, and see what we ourselves can do to feel happy and content in the present circumstances.

Making peace with the way the world is, renouncing responsibility for it outside of her personal decisions, is exactly what Tulip gets to learn on the train. Being half-abducted by it during a time when Amelia has taken over and no one is there to give a nice welcoming message with specific instructions, Tulip is deeply distraught by the mysteries surrounding her, and infinitely frustrated by her seeming inability to 'logic' her way through the challenges. She boards the train as a girl whose main need is to create a semblance of control over her environment, through understanding it.

[id: two shots of Tulip’s sketchbook where she is tryng to figure out train’s puzzles. end id]

She is at the center of the universe, she is responsible for the way things are, and it is up to her to figure them out.

That is a lone, individualistic journey of a single person who only wants to deal with their own life, their own problems, and Tulip does not welcome any companions at the beginnig of it. It makes sense for her to seek solitude: she feels overwhelmingly responsible for her own little personal world, just how unbearable would it be to let it merge with other people's lives, for her to suddenly be at fault when those she cares about are hurt? Not to mention that new people are new unknowns, new factors that can make her life harder, more confusing and painful. For a person stuck in her desperate desire for control, it makes a lot of sense to prefer to deal with her problems on her own and expect others to do the same.

Meeting One One, who is the first to care, and Atticus, who is there to dispense his pearls of wisdom about the resources we find in each other, the value of friendship and its ultimate worth in the face of responsibility and risk of loss that comes with it, is what helps Tulip find comfort and humility in her relationship with others. She is simply one of the many people influencing each other's lives; she is not at the center, not at fault for the pain that comes to others, even if they were hurt through their association with her; it was their chocie to lend her a hand or a paw, and they had the right to make that choice.

Similar humility of being just one of the many is found in Tulip's relationship with the world at large, too, shown through her relationship with the train. First, she is frustrated and impatient, trying to figure out the most rational logical way to proceed in her attempts to control what happens to her next. Then, as she finds joy and connection, things become easier, she finds a rhythm that works for her, as seen at the start of “The Ball Pit Car”. And then soon after that, in swoops Amelia, ready to wreck havoc and quench Tulip's progress by trying to kill one of her friends and turning the other into a monster, and pinning it all on her.

Losing Atticus is far too big of a blow, and so Tulip gives up her lessons and falls into fatalism, feeling like she has no control over her fate, like she will never be allowed to make it off the train.

But the core component of Tulip's character is her ability to “bounce back”. She loses her progress quite tangibly, with the number going up – and yet reverses that development rapidly, when she gives it all another try and subsequently learns the truth about Amelia. Finding out that the current self-appointed conductor who has been terrorizing cars and threatening Tulip and her friends is just a person, Tulip asks a very important quesiton: “What's stopping me from doing what she did?”. She stops interpreting her surroundings as alien, hostile and created to act against her, in weird incomprehensible ways that seem to be mocking her attempts to find a shred of logic to them. Instead, she takes full control of her own actions and starts using her environment to her own benefits, much like Amelia did. But Tulip takes it a step further and approaches it in a healthier fashion. Where Amelia is desperately trying to make the world do her bidding, Tulip states a simple objecitve: help her friend, - and looks at her options.

Tulip steps into her power when she realizes her choices and actions matter and have full weight. That restores her faith into being able to help Atticus. She cannot control her surroundings fully, she cannot control how other people behave, and trying to make herself responsible for it is unfair to herself and others and hurts everyone. She can, however, make her own choices and use her own skills to strive to perserve what is important to her.

Once again, that mindset is directily opposed to Amelia's. In Book 1, Amelia is stuck in the constant attempts to recreate her life, to change the world around her, to bend her environment to her will instead of growing internally, accepting the change and adapting to it, taking responsibility for her own feelings and not for what surrounds her. The key motivation in the prison she has created for herself is grief. Unwilling to let go of the world she once shared with someone she loved, not wanting to accept the passing of something that was incredibly important to her, Amelia stagnates, rejects the thought of progress, of healing, of moving on. To start to get over such a loss is to create distance between yourself and what you are mourning. When you move on, you leave it futher and furher behind with each step. And so Amelia decides to stay exactly where she is: in the depth of soul-shattering suffering. Symbolically, she never even leaves the pod she was delivered to the train in, stays at the very beginning of her recovery journey, turns her pain into her armor until forcefully broken out of it by Tulip.

The two characters are perfect for each other as counterforces; even more so, the very environment that Amelia has created, the one that frustrates Tulip with all the unanswered questions and mysteries, is the exact one that would motivate this girl to grow. This is something to keep in mind when approaching Infinity Train's narrative: Amelia is a perfect antognist to Tulip, and it is through encountering her that Tulip grows. Amelia's mistakes result in Tulip's progress.

A key moment in the two characters' confrontation is Amelia's offer to give Tulip a car of her own, where her and her family can be pitcture-perfect and happy in the exact way Tulip wants them to be. By that point in the narrative Tulip has already had to face the truth of her family situation, the reality of it, it not being anyone's fault nor her parents' whim, sad things simply just happening for reasons outside of anyone's control. And with Amelia's offer, she has to come painfully close to the truth that she has just started making peace with once again. She has to really internalize the fact that her real parents were not happy together, and wouldn't be happy in this simulated reality; and if they were, they would not truly be the people she knows.

Tulip acknowledges the painful and beautiful truth of life: if you want to be surrounded by real people you can love, people that can love you, you need to give them the freedom to live their lives, freedom to hurt you, to walk away, to change the life you share, to have their own personal feelings that might be different from the ones you wish they had. They need to have freedom to make choices. It is scary, and it hurts, but that is the only way to have something real. While Amelia is obsessed with molding her environment in the image of her perfect life, and failing miserably, Tulip realizes that to reunite with her parents she needs to accept that, as long as they are in her life, things can change between them; and that is okay. That is the only way love can exist. With the risk of loss and pain, not any less worth it for that.

At the end of her journey, Tulip has learned the nature and price of connection, and her place in the complicated, irrational, incomprehensible world. She gets to accept that things don't need a reason for happening, that there is not always someone to blame and demand reparations from. She gets to accept that she is just one person - but that realization gives her so much personal power. As just one person, she is free from the weight of the world she used to carry on her shoulders; as just one person, she has the full scope of her personal skills and power to protect herself and those she loves, to change with the world and adapt to it, once she starts treating it as a friend and engaging with it on its own terms. At the end of her arc, she truly gets to say that she is ready for everything: she learns a whole new way to approach life that makes handling change much less painful.

She is a protagonist that gives up the protagonist complex, telling her she is the central point of the larger narrative. And through that, she finds peace and flexibility.

What is fascinating is that the narrative itself then supports that idea by removing Tulip from the center of the show. In the next book we follow the arc of Lake, my beautiful perfect child. And with it being centered around the idea of Lake's personhood and them transcending the role of a denizen, that decision could not have been any more metatextually perfect.

3. Book 2: Cracked Reflection and the Relationship between Personhood and Connection

In the first season, Lake is a side character that appears for just one episode, contributes to the protagonist's journey and is then gone. But as the story shifts and focuses on them, we see their struggle as they try to break out of the role of a 'supporting character' and prove their completion and worth outside of their contribution to someone else's story. Their intial place in the narrative and their initial position within their own story echo each other beautifully, and this is the exact kind of writing excellency that has me absolutely hooked. Thank you Infinity Train.

Quite interestingly, the idea of personhood is explored in relation to the theme of connection. Lake shares their journey with Jesse, and the two character arcs mirror each other, dealing with the relationship between personal freedom and external bonds.

Lake and Jesse operate under the same false pretense that to connect to people means to be what they want you to be, that in order to have friends you have to sacrifice who you are, what you want. They approach this false predicament from the opposite ends: Lake by avoiding any connection altogether and Jesse by readily caving in to peer pressure, adult pressure, just... general imposion of everyone else's expectations, because he suffers from the compulsive need to be liked and accepted. Lake refuses to fit in and is left to deal with their horrifying situation alone, Jesse hurts himself and those he loves in order to fit in.

It's very interesting how the narrative connects reflectiveness to connection. 'Empathy Goes', the song about friendship that Jesse sings, starts with lines “When I look at you, I see me” – words that take on a quite literal uncomfortable meaning for Lake.

[id: a screenshot from Infinity Train Book 2 of a small girl looking at her reflection in a reflective child (Lake)’s head, Lake unamused. end id]

Then the thematic core of season 2 – Lake's conversation with the dying Sieve, in which the latter torments them – introduces the thought that, by befriending Jesse and helping him grow, Lake became what he needed them to be; became his reflection.

That is, of course, not true. The idea that Lake had simply fulfilled the role of a denizen is disproven by the fact that they are the protagonist of Book 2 that goes through the same journey as Tulip, meeting the exact people and creatures and foes that influence and challenge them in the most important ways. At the end of the day, their victory was not changing their external circumstances but their internal approach to them.

As this awesome person has pointed out, that to get off the train, Lake had to embrace their reflectiveness. However heartbreaking was their enraged plea to have their personhood recognized, they never really did change One One's mind. In his perception, they remained a denizen, “so good at helping”.

The truth is, however, is that yes, Lake has helped Jesse - by being themselves unapologetically, by not fitting in, by showing him that that is an option, and in that life, you can still be loved and cared about – because Jesse without doubt cares about Lake very deeply.

But Jesse has helped Lake, too, has changed them – by giving them connection and recognition, by showing them they can be accepted and loved without the need to change who they are, without the need to tailor themselves to another person and 'mirror' them. At the end, the two get one escape for two people – because their journey was a shared one, because their paths cannot be separated, because they have influenced each other equally.

And much like Amelia was the perfect person to challenge Tulip, One One with his inability to think outside of the algorythm and acknowledge Lake's personhood, was perfect for challenging them and putting them into a situation where they had no other choice but to accept, acknowledge and appreciate the connections they have made, and the fact that those connections define them - partially.

Reflectiveness represents bonds, letting other people into your life, letting them influence you, teach you something, ask something from you – and, fascinatingly, that seems to be a part of what defines us, gives us personhood. Are we just what we do for other people? No, obviously not. Are we simply what separates us from others, what makes us unique, who we are completely on our own, with no regard to what unites us with other people, what they bring into our lives and what we bring into theirs? The answer Infinity Train provides appears to be no, once again.

Lake names themselves – finds a true, real name that they identify with, when they embrace their reflective nature and see themselves in a body of water that, yes, lets the world in, reflects it, while also undoubtedly having a life and depth of its own. Personhood, real, full human experience seems to be the subtle dance of individualism and connection, both what defines us as separate from others and what tethers us to them.

I mentioned how Lake's journey being similar to Tulip's is a part of what validates their personhood. That's one of those fascinating things in Infinity Train's writing: how the intial split of the cast into the passenger and supporting denizen characters appears almost like commentary on the protagonist complex, with Tulip actually having to internalize the idea that the world and her life are not centered solely around her, are not all about her happiness and growth, that some things happen just because they do, not because they have something to do with her.

Then, opening with a lead that needs to outgrow the protagonist complex, the show moves on to that character's narrative foil and shows them grow into the central point of the narrative, fighting to have the world recognize them as the main character of their separate, independent story. And to us viewers there is no doubt that Lake is a person of their own and has full rights to personal protagonism – they are the one we are watching, whose struggle is the focus of the Book, they are who we sympathise with in the story.

This wonderful meta decision really drills in the idea that every single character we only ever catch a glimpse of is the main hero of their own journey, and has a full life and full personhood outside of the role they play in the story we watch unravel. At the same time, as per the rules of narrating, we only see the people and events that serve the current protagonist's growth. Through that, and through being an antalogy that unravels by latching onto a secondary character time after time, book after book, exploring their own journeys and inner worlds, Infinity Train creates a breathtaking polycentric model of reality, in which every single person is the main character on their own path, with people around them contributing something of value to that path – and the main character contributing something to theirs, becoming in turn a secondary supporting character in someone else's story.

Tulip and Atticus are a wonderful example of that: embarking (hehe) on the same journey for different reasons, helping each other, accepting the responsibility that comes with being each other's friends and companions, welcoming the pain that comes with connection and at the end aiding each other in their quests. And Jesse and Lake are much the same.

The idea of companionship being the escape is only directly introduced in Book 2, but it had already sprouted in Book 1. The themes of connection, renegotiating one's relationship with the seemingly hostile world, and coming to terms with everyone's place in it as one of the many, but having endless personal power over our own narrative, are constantly and continuously present in the show, with the differnet smaller plots and character arcs beautifully overlapping.

___________________________________________________________

Analyzing all of this in the past, I felt incredibly secure and confident in the seeming underlying lesson. That there is no reason to fight the world at large, the things that are outside of your or someone else's control. And that doesn't mean “not standing up to those who are hurting others”, as shown in Tulip's confrontation with Amelia, Jesse's confrontation with the Apex. It means that some things, like where you have come from, what the relationships of people around you are, and who you have lost, cannot be changed, and our subconscious attempts to fight them only hurt us in the end.

The idea of our boundless ability to find resources in ourselves and people around us, learn from people that surround us, accept their help and offer them ours, find love once we accept the change love brings; the idea that we always have the ability to thrive in our current circumstances, once we accept that we ourselves are getting in our own way, out of the unwillingness to let go of something we hold dear; the idea that we can always, always bounce back, that it is never too late for any of us, and that true companionship will always be there to give us escape...

The idea of the world as our friend, with its own will and wishes, something that is not to be controlled and bruteforce- reasoned through, but something to engage with...

These all gave me strength, held me up, and gave me a new paradigm that allowed me to look at the reality from a place of comfort and assuredness. The paradigm of the complicated web of life where everything is in its place, where our shortcomings create valuable lessons for someone else, where our choices, even if they hurt us and others, create lessons, as established by Sieve, have their place in the big picture, like what we see with Amelia's mitakes and Tulip's progress.

Then, the idea that in that big picture, you are exactly where you need to be, always, because you always have the only thing you need to grow and recover and thrive – you have yourself and the people around you. How infinitely comforting this is, how solid.

And then Book 3 has arrived. And holy shit y’all.

4. Book 3: Cult of the Conductor and Trust vs Control

And once again, this season has not necessarily disproven all of the aforementioned stuff, just... put a lot more emphasis on the reality of pain people have to endure. In this book we had to witness simultaneously a recovery – within Grace's arc, - a descend – within Simon's, - and an actual, raw trauma, that Hazel had to suffer through on screen. We had to watch Simon murder Hazel's caregiver and repeatedly make her feel unsafe, and Grace withdraw herself and leave Hazel alone because of her ungoing identity crisis. We have to come uncomfortably close to the reality of the pain that shapes people, and with how horribly we all can hurt each other. That pain is no longer obscured by the passage of time, it's not something in the character's past. And that is... very rattling.

But, once again, the constant running themes and motifs remain. Once again, the show tackles the idea of change, of connection and the relationship between the individual and the world.

Regarding the latter, what we see with the Apex is the protagonist complex projected on a group. The Apex myth simultaneously places them at the top of the world – hence the name – and makes them the poor victims of the evil False Conductor that of course seeks to destroy them and targets them specifically. Grace and Simon developed the idea of themselves and their group as the sole people for whom the train exists, as well as the chosen deliberate targets of the entity that had taken over their environment, instead of accepting that maybe the world does not revolve around them!

Upon meeting Amelia they learn that they are not chosen, that they are not on the train because the outside world did not recognize their value, that there was never someone at the top who had their best needs in mind, and that the entity that calls the shots now does not actually know anything about them besides the fact that they exist.

The theme of connection makes a comeback hand in hand with the motif of empathy, with the book opening with Jesse's song 'Empathy Goes'. And that's what's being explored in Grace's and Simon's respective arcs with relation to denizens: their ability to show compassion and recognize someone else's personhood.

The narrative is multi-layered here. On one hand, what is being explored is a group mentality, a cult mentality that paints the outside world as simultaneously inferior and hostile, and we can see Grace and Simon accidentally inventing some pretty mean propaganda techniques. Whew, those kids. But then on the other, the idea of denizens as projections, 'nulls', incapable of actual feeling, only pretending to be real people... this brings to mind such complicated and staggering concepts as philosophical zombies or the idea of the world as something that is simply a projection of your, you currently reading thinking person, brain, where nothing is real except for your own consciousness. And since it is simply impossible to possess others and make sure they are indeed living breathing feeling creatures and not just NPCs in one wild, wild dream, empathy becomes a fascinating choice. What we're left with is 1) believing that other people do in fact feel what they say they do, 2) treating them with respect just in case or because being mean feels bad, or, 3) you know, deciding that we're on top of the world, and are the Apex predator, and everything exists for us, and we can do whatever we want with people around us.

It's interesting to see this mindset as a group mentality, but it makes sense, too; with the Apex we get to watch what happens when a group only recognizes the personhood of those that are a part of it. The thing is, there is no actual empathy within that group, either; we see that once Grace stops fitting into it as smoothly. To the Apex, she becomes a 'void', a nothing, something hollow, devoid of status and power and therefore rights and feelings that need to be respected. Simon's approach is “whatever I do not like is not real”, so by proxy, the new version of Grace is nothing, and should be erased.

This lack of empathy can be tracked deeper and deeper down to Simon as the extremely tyrannical leader, his refusal to recognize the personhood of anyone who does not agree with him. It is natural for us all to act as if what we believe is correct; otherwise, why would we believe it? But Simon takes it to the extremes, refusing to even for a second consider an alternative point of view, and ends up locked in a mindset in which he is the only person entitled to the ability to see the truth, and everyone else somehow is inferior and incomplete. That's the protagonist complex, that's the experience of a person who considers themselves at the center of the world. Why would he out of all people be the keeper of truth? He simply does not ask himself that, because he does not stop to think about the existence of others, or their experiences.

However, it wouldn't be correct to say that Simon is completely devoid of empathy. It's just that his version of it is extremely self-centered and unable to discern between his personal situation and someone else's reality. As my awesome friend @buttercup-bug has pointed out, the relationship between Grace and Hazel and Simon and Hazel is built on extending that limited, conditional empathy. As they have noted, the golden and silver masks at the start of the season that are performing the song 'Empathy Goes' represent the two of them, the golden one directly intersecting with the one Grace wears, and in general gold and silver matching their color schemes.

The position of the masks matches their position on the stage, as well: they are the two leading figures in the big messed-up play that is the Apex, removed from reality, avoiding it, living in their own little world. They perform that reality in different ways, Grace leading with smiles and emotions/emotional manipulation, Simon being more uptight and serious.

[id: two shots from Infinity Train Book 3, showinng first a scene with halves of two theatrical masks, a sorrowful and a laughing one, surrounded by undefined actor creatures; then Simon and Grace, two young people, Simon white and blonde, Grace black, with shortr dredlocs, wearing a golden masks, holding hands with each other and two other kids in a curtain call manner, with fire raging behind them. end id]

Now, returning to the empathy motif: as it was pointed out to me, the two extend their empathy to Hazel in their own ways, representing their relationship with the inner child. Grace relates to Hazel as a lonely young girl seeking connection with other children, and engages with her in a fun, upbeat way, making it so they enjoy each other's company and spend time together like friends do. That helps her get closer to Hazel, get genuinely attached and through that let Hazel influence her worldview a bit, and be there for Hazel through harder, less fun things as well, till.. a certain point.

Simon, on the other hand, sees himself in Hazel as someone stranded on the train and under the care of a denizen, and automatically perceives Tuba as a threat. And he expresses his empathy in a direct, serious, violent way, by doing what he thinks needs doing: by getting rid of Tuba without making time for smiles and fun times.

Grace is the leader, she engages with people emotionally, making them feel needed and special and through that keeping the group together. Simon is the general who leads the army in what he perceives as the Apex's attempt to protect themselves. His approach does not leave much space for bodning. And it makes sense for him as someone much more focused on safety to have his understanding of denizens as dangerous run deeper, be more at the forefront, in his focus. He’s the one calculating the “danger levels” of encountered denizens. And of course the incident with The Cat makes it much more personal. I think it's fair to assume that both Grace and Simon must've had some unfortunate run-ins with the inhabitants of the train, with Grace being initially so set in her belief that denizens are dangerous because they are unpredictable, and you never know what they will do next. Though the only time we actually see her endangered is by the steward that Amelia had reprogrammed. Either way, the two had started off feeling endangered by the unpredictable and unreliable creatures surrounding them, and probably, in their attempts to find a reason to trust each other and feel safer around each other in a dangerous and confusing world, decided that passengers must be inherently good, denizens must be inherently bad.

There is, however, no actual trust in that, none at all between them.

I'd say that “trust”' is the core motif of season 3. Infinity Train tends to adopt an aphorism that keeps reappearing throughout a season, pronounced by different characters or in different contexts, highlighting the thematic movement and change and the development of the theme within the plot. In Book 1, it was the collocation “bounce back”, as the core of Tulip's character. In Book 2, we had “You can't spell 'escape' without 'companionship'”. In Book 3, our boy Roy introduced the phrase “Teamwork starts with two people trusting each other”. Simon's horrifying rendition of it emphasized the idea that not everyone counts as a person, so not everyone is deserving of trust. You can only rely on those who fit your narrow criteria of one.

However, even when Grace and Simon were on the same side of the barricades they've built with their own hands, they could never actually trust each other. Their bond and their care for each other were extremely conditional, hinging on the ultra specific image of a passenger, and influenced by the power hierarchy they had created.

We see that Grace is reluctant to trust Simon or the Apex with the changes happening to her, with her number going down, because she didn't want them to think “less of her”. Her personal issues, her fear of loneliness and abandonment and the idea that she needs to be something specific, someone who is always strong and right for people to stick around her, have certainly played into that. Grace is so used to comforting herself through saying the world is mean to her because she is special; she wears her “special” status as a mask, she has the highest number, she is “so good at the train”, and that's what keeps others around her in this reality, keeps them needing her. But it's not actually about her as a person. But it is also just the system the two have established. Numbers are power; one's number going down is their failure.

The amount of trust only diminishes as the plot progresses, with Grace's perspective shifting but her not being able to trust Simon with those thoughts and feelings – quite understandably, since he remained adamant about his beliefs till the very end. Grace could never truly trust Simon outside of the invented value system they've been existing within for many years. And that is reflective of her constant inner struggle, not being able to trust anyone with her self, without any myth explaining why she is awesome and irreplacable. Hazel was the first person who spent time around Grace while also falling out of the equation, not being influenced by the Apex propaganda, and that is why their bond was so life-changing to Grace – aside from the aforementioned grounds for empathy.

Now, was Simon ever able to truly trust Grace? I think he desperately needed to, and facing the fact that Grace has in some ways betrayed that trust by keepings things from him was one of the things that played into him going off the rails. (...That pun was not intended. )

As it was pointed out many times by many viewers, Simon seems to know quite a lot about funerals, which means that he probably had to attend one as a kid. Then, his relationship with The Cat seems to be a metaphor for neglectful parenting due to an addiction. The Cat is a collector, her treasures seeming to be extremely important to her. The voice in which Simon says the words “She is collecting again” hints on a long, ongoing problem. Then in the memory of his meeting with Grace, we see that The Cat had actually probably endangered him on one of her car crawls. Overall, Simon's childhood seems to had been an extremely unstable one, with nothing and no one he could truly rely on, with parental figures either dying or neglecting him. It is similar to Tulip's struggle, but most likely running even deeper.

We see Simon continuously leaning on Grace, which at times causes her frustration: she snaps and asks bitterly if she always has to tell him what to do. When Grace starts behaving weirdly, starts changing, acting in a way that Simon can't understand and is not used to, he probably feels endangered, like his life is growing incomprehensible and unstable once again, like things are slipping through his fingers and out of his control.

But at the end of the day, not one of them was truly relying on the other. Grace never trusted Simon to just stick around because he liked her, she needed the upper hand, the leading position, the idea of being “very good at the train”, and the system in which they should stick together as the passengers threatened by the dangerous environment and “the false conductor”. Simon never truly trusted Grace as we should trust those we love: with the freedom for them to grow and change and still remain someone we can feel safe and happy around. Instead of taking that leap of faith and relying on her to do right by him, he was in fact leaning on the system they've created, clinging to it desperately to the very end. People may change, but the system will stay the same, as long as he doesn't reconsider his worldview, and he had decided to never abandon it, whatever happens.

The lack of trust is warranted by their treatment of each other. How could Simon rely on Grace if she had never shown him her true self? How could Grace trust Simon with her genuine self if he needed her to be something very specific and unchanging? Their bond, while being something that helped them through the lonely existence in a weird, dangerous place, was in fact incredibly, tragically toxic. That is not something that people acknowledge easily. These two held onto their semblance of friendship for dear life, but that only worsened their respective problems, made them less and less capable of actual genuine friendships.

Both of their characters are very complex and convincing, and before I speak directly of some less pleasant parts of them I want to establish that I love Grace and am so very proud of her, and glad to see that a Black woman character did not remain an antagonist and got explored deeply and compassionately. And that while I was absolutely enraged by Simon's actions throughout the season, I can also appreciate the depth and complexity of the show's writing in his arc, and the tragedy of it, and I do feel for him quite deeply.

It is also worth mentioning that, even tho they are on the older end of 'kids', they are both kids still, with their formative years spent in unfortunate, unhelpful environments, and the age of growth and self-discovery happening in an actual cult, even tho it is one they had locked themselves into.

So now, to what can be perceieved as the darker parts of their characters. A unifying element of both Grace's and Simon's characters are their desire for control. Both scared of what life would be without it, they bend over backwards to make people behave in the way they need them to.

Grace does that through emotional manipulation, she directs her entire demeanor into making people see her as the most knowledgable and powerful, someone they need. She makes them want to be a part of the gang, telling them that it makes them special and brave, as well as making them belive that the outside world means them harm, which is... a classic cult tactic. She hides the truth from them when the truth threatens her position and bonds with them. In the culmination of her personal growth, she admits the reason behind it: she did everything in her power to not be left alone. She tried to control the way other people see the world, and through that control how they see her, thinking that that will make them want to stick around. But her manipulation was what kept her from creating genuine connections, so after she first fell out of her own equation and then pushed Hazel away in the last desperate attempt to fit back into it, there was no one left around her. She made people need her cult, not her person. She never let them know the real her that would make them want to stay. The truth is that people change constantly, and we can't eternally push ourselves to live up to a specific expectation, so any attempt to keep people around with anything else than our genuine self are simply doomed.

Simon does not have the same talent for manipulation that Grace does, despite his attempts to use her own techniques on her when trapping her in her memories.

[id: screenshot from Book 3 showing Grace looking at Simon, who’s sitting next to her with a grave expression on his face. end id]

Lacking subtlty, he seeks to control the world around him through brute force. We see him repeatedly grabbing Grace in an unsettling, scary, invasive and violent manner. He is unable to influence her mentality like she influences the mentality of other people. He can't act subtly, through emotion and manipulation. And his desperation to control the world and force it to work in ways that suit him get externalized through physical aggression.

That does not excuse him, nor does his desperation warrant sympathy, but the idea of his shows of power being actually signs of powerlessness seems... captivating, reassuring somehow. People who lash out at us do so because they don't actually get to control how we feel, and never can. They can influence and wound us deeply, but they can never actually fully control us, they don’t get to rewrite us.

...Buuut back to the character analysis. Much like Grace who at the start was holding the position of “whatever doesn’t pleases or entertains me gets wheeled” (perhaps a reflection of her “never needed them anyway” attitude seen in how she feels about her failed attempts at friendship), Simon also denies everything that doesn't suit him, not just the value of it but the reality of it, too. Despite all reason, he refuses to believe that he had been living a lie for the last uhh number of years. If something isn't working the way he wants it to, if someone is behaving in a way he doesn't like, he deems them broken and wrong. As Grace points out, her memories are only a true and reliable source to him as long as he likes them, and once he doesn't, they must be lies.

Simon is the very embodiment of stagnation, complete lack of flexibility – out of his compulsive need to control the world, to have it remain the same and stable, after the turbulences of his childhood. He is very, very much like Tulip – but he is not given a chance to 'bounce back'. Amelia, another example of deep stagnation and refusal to accept the changes in the world, is allowed that decades after boarding the train. She might never leave it, but she can still make an effort, she can still grow, bit by bit. Simon never makes it to the point where he is ready to accept the reality and start making peace with it.

I assume that for the biggest part of the show he is simply constantly triggered. He spends time with Grace, like they used to, before the Apex – but they met and started travelling together right after The Cat had abandoned him. Then they encounter a child who has no one but a supposedly unreliable denizen taking care of her – another thing to remind Simon of his own neglect. Then they straight up bump into The Cat, and Simon learns that her addicition is still active, that nothing has changed, that what happened to him wasn't enough for his parental figure to reconsider her ways. Then things start changing, Grace starts behaving differently, abandones the 'passenger-denizen' binary and makes him feel more alone and directionless than he probably has been in years.

But after he traps her in her tape and returns to the Apex, there is at least a couple of month for him to get out of the spiral and reconsier. All Of That. and yet he doesn't. At this point his actions are not solely motivated by the very unstable state he was in – which is not to say that he wouldn't need to take responsibility for them either way. But a certain amount of time and distance from it all could have been used for reflection, and yet Simon stays firmly in his position of clinging to the system and revelling in the ultimate control he had found by becoming a leader. He creates a myth of Grace as someone who is worthless because she is unfit to be a leader. He paints himself as more reliable and powerful through the firmness of his beliefs. With him, you can always know what the rules are going to be, how to be the best. Perhaps, in his twisted horrifying perception, he was giving the Apex kids the stability he'd never had.

Going back to the question of why Simon was not given the opportunity to bounce back... Obviously, a core element of his character is his refusal to change in any form, and that’s on him. But with making peace with change being a big theme in the show from season 1, with Amelia doing the same for decades and eventually getting to a place where she had finally accepted it... This is a heavy and fascinating narrative decision.

It's good to consider that Amelia never actually succeeded at controlling the world in the way that she needed. Among all the characters, her grief was the most hopeless, most desperate: she tried to reverse time, she tried to bring someone back to life. Unlike her, Simon achieved some at least perceived control that he had been striving for. The danger of his character is that he executed his power over actual physical people, and he felt like he could actually decide what their life was going to be, what his life was going to be. He never got to lose it all, like Grace did. He never got to face just how hollow his illusion of control was. So in some ways within his arc him not getting redemption makes sense.

But what does it mean for the show at large, for the underlying message? It feels inconsistent with the Infinity Train's narrative to just make Simon out to be a cautionary tale of what happens to those who deny change, or a foil to Grace who did ended up accepting it; we've already established that in the show's polycentric system, every character is more than just a part of someone else's journey, has full existence and autonomy outside of that.

Once again quoting my wonderful smart friend @buttercup-bug, I want to refer to the end of season 3 in which Grace tells the ex-Apex kids that it is not fair for her to decide for them what their place on the train is, who they are, what life is to them; and in the same way, the unconcluded story of this book can be open to interpretations, with every one of us getting to choose what to take out of the simple reality of it. Simon's story simply happened. We can take whatever lesson we need from it.

But before we part our ways and each one decides what to think of the bone-chilling end of his arc, I want to point a couple more things out.

5. The Train as a Metaphor for Life

Something that has really fascinated me about the show's narrative ever since my marathon of the first two seasons is the concept of the train. One One seems so very sure the train inspires growth, and yet, as we have learned in season 3, he, the Conductor himself, does not actually know much about the passengers' life aboard it except their numbers. There is no established system, there is no assigning of the denizens, there is no rulebook for them, they are not aware of the specific problems of the passengers they meet. Passengers can actually die on the train, which is wild if the goal of it is to make them grow and flourish. We are so used to thinking that to heal, one needs a perfectly supportive, comfortable and safe environment, and yet the train is challenging, dangerous, unpredictable.

I think the idea here, with characters time after time having to come to terms with life being confusing, ever-changing, often painful and entirely outside of our control, is that the train is not necessarily there to soothe the wounds but to raise the stakes, challenging people in such a way that their choices and their actions and approach to the reality have much more serious consequences. Tulip learns to accept help and help others in situations that actually threaten her and her loved ones, while what she would risk in the past when shutting herself off was just upsetting some friends and family and, you know, being fundamentally alone. Jesse went from letting others bully his brother to balancing on the edge of selling Lake out, which would end their entire existence. Grace went from being a child who creates fights and eggs others on to do something stupid to being an actual teenage cult leader. The train raises the stakes exponentially, and that makes everyone on board reconsider the real price of their actions.

Aside from that and giving specific directions for growth through numbers, though, it doesn't really... do anything. It functions the way life functions: things just happen, people just behave in ways that make sense for them, and everyone has full autonomy. At the same time, we see characters encounter the exact companions that make them grow, the exact enemies that challenge them in the most important ways. To once again quote Fleur @buttercup-bug a.k.a. the established sponsor of all of the behind-the-scenes Infinity Train discussions, the train is both ambigious and very meta, and “acts both as a narrative arc machine in a storytelling sense and as a lesson provider in a life sense, which bridges the gap between story and reality in a really personal way”.

That is a wonderful way to put something that captivated me upon my first watch. The train is a metaphor for life. It is contrasted against the metaphor for death or non-existence: the lifeless wasteland through which it is constantly moving, the wasteland populated by soul-sucking parasites also symbolical of nothing other than death. The train is life that is always moving, never the same, outside of our control, bigger than us, not obeying our wishes no matter how hard we try, challenging, populated by other people that have their free will, which often hurts us. And yet, the train is a provider of companions, which are to be our escape. And they are not crafted or tailored to us, nor are we crafted for them - and yet as our paths intersect, we impact each other, and we learn from each other in incredibly meaningful ways.

When thinking about this, I've landed on two possibilities. Either the Engine or the Train – something separate from One One – is a great and omnipotent mind capabe of foreseeing how things would unravel to everyone's utmost benefit, placing the correct people at the correct places, weaving an incredibly complex web of connections in which we always meet the companions we are supposed to meet ot exchange lessons with... or it doesn't need to be at all. And I think I like the latter much more.

The train doesn't need to be that, because, as I've already proposed earlier, ourselves and the people around us, whoever they are, are all we ever need. Wherever you are right now, wherever the Universe has put you, you are supposed to be there, not because it has some grand plan and knows something that you don't, but because no matter your circumstances, you already have what you need for growth. You have yourself and you have other people and their stories, and the connection they can offer you. (Hazel, who is perhaps the most mature character we meet – which is tragic considering how many dysfunctional adults she has to be around – seeks to connect with everyone around her who is not outwardly dangerous, no matter how little in common they seem to have. And eventually something is found, some strand of connection, creating empathy.) People around you always have something to offer. You yourself always have something to offer.

I would hold onto that idea, as well as the idea of “bouncing back”, of it never being too late to get better. And I felt a bit off-balance when Simon was not given a chance to do that. But in a way, shifitng the story from fated encounters that kickstart someone's progress, like the one between Tulip and Amelia, Lake and Jesse, gives even more weight to this concept, by putting our personal decision to change into focus.

It's not all about meeting this one specific person who will show you the error of your ways; even more so, sometimes people who have a lot in common and mirror each other hold each other back instead of helping each other grow. Sometimes one of them changing only pushes the other further down when they refuse to accept that. And at the end, it is all up to us.

Getting a little bit existential here, but we are fundamentally the only ones who define our lone separate experience, and we are always on our own and solely repsonsible for ourselves. Connection is always there to support us, to teach us something, and playing a role in someone's life is what makes us real and vice versa, and at the same time we are all masters of our own destiny. We do not bear responsibility for other people's actions, and they do not bear responsibility for ours. Some environments are more suited for our growth, some less, but at the end of the day the choice to take whatever opportunities we have is up to us.

Which means that we don't have to sit around waiting for the Logical Point in our character arcs to achieve a breakthrough. The world is always there for us to engage with, to hear what it has to say. The question is, are we ready to accept it? To see it for what it is? With time it will grow louder, ignoring the truth we're avoiding will become harder, but the choice to listen is always ours. We can do it sooner rather than later. Or we can do it... never, refuse the reality, refuse change and the nature of life. Because we are the ones responsible. We can't blame the world for not delivering the needed lessons sooner in life, because even if it did, nothing would stop us from ignoring them. We can't feel entitled to endless lessons and endless comfort from people around us. We should take care of ourselves.

Which means that, wherever we are, at any point of our lives, we can always grow if we listen, if we open ourselves up to the truth. And the truth is that life is incredibly, undescribably complicated. It stretches across so many different individual experiences, and it does not prioritize a single one of them. We are a part of such a vast web of events and connections, and it is foolish to consider that the world is the way it is just to spite you or hurt you, or that it should change, stop and start spinning in the opposite direction just to ease your pain.

Things happen that no one is to blame for. There is no fault in the way the world is. Nothing is broken. Life goes on, endlessly, life changes, people change, people leave, people hurt us. That is okay. We can always change ourselves, we can be flexible and open and alive, we can extend our hand to the world and work together with it in true companionship.

Life is the way it is, wild and uncontrollable, and you cannot escape it, you cannot escape change, as long as you are alive. But you can make peace with that. Through acceptance, love and connection.

Gohms, creatures dwelling in the desert that symbolizes non-existence, parasites that symbolize death, are what awaits those who choose to get off the train. Those who try to escape the endless movement and challenges of life. You cannot truly stagnate, you cannot stop moving, you cannot stop things form changing, as long as you exist. As Simon attempts to control the world, still it, for the very last time, that is what happens to him. He stops existing. By refusing change, he refuses life itself. And loses it. And maybe it's not about him never getting to arrive at a point that would tip him over and change him. Maybe it's about his choice to not take all the opportunities that were presented to him before. Maybe he could've done something very different, whether that would have changed his fate or not, with whatever time he had left.

#infinity train #infinity train book three #infinity train book two #infinity train book one #meta #tulip olsen #lake infinity train #grace monroe #simon laurent #trauma mention tw #childhood neglect tw #addiction tw #analysis tag #OOF #ive been waiting to get this out of my head for so LONG

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royalnugget42 · 4 years ago

Text

SPN is ending

And here’s my take on how it will go down, based on the limited knowledge we have. Please be aware that these are not foolproof predictions. Title analysis can only get you so far, and some of the titles are vague enough that they could mean just about anything. Still I’d like to try my best to predict the narrative based on how I would go about it and based on the vague references.

I’ll go episode by episode, include as many details as I can reasonably add, and try to keep my Destiel shipping goggles off as much as possible. Buckle up.

First one is pretty easy. Episode 14, “Last Holiday” promises to be kind of literal, with a mysterious figure appearing and giving Jack, Sam, and Dean the holidays they missed out on. However, I was curious, since Supernatural has a habit of including obscure or not so obscure references in their titles, if there was any other thing we could correlate this to.

There is actually a movie called “Last Holiday” starting Queen Latifah, whose character is diagnosed with a terminal illness, which results in her making the decision to abandon her boring life and live like a millionaire in Europe.

The idea of the fight with Chuck being a “terminal illness” on the horizon could be why now is the best time for these guys to live it up.

This possible reference coupled with the ‘last’ seems to say that this episode will be a sort of final moment of levity before the endgame. Past this episode there be monsters, lads. I’d also like to point out that since it will be just Jack and the brothers if the promo photos are anything to go by, this will be a good time to get in some forgiveness and family bonding for our characters before things go downhill again.

Looking at promo photos for this episode again, I’m not sure where, but the episode may also carry some development for the plot. I’m not sure whether the photos of Cas, Amara, and Charlie were for this episode or another one (since they are not listed as cast members for the episode on IMDb), but we’ll be seeing all of them again soon it looks like, and I can’t wait for Cas and Jack to go on a hunt together again.

This episode will be the beginning of the descent. We’re standing on the edge and staring into the void, and we’re about to take the plunge. How do I know this?

“Gimme Shelter”, the title for this new episode, seems to have a literal meaning of the characters continuing to try to hide from God. However, as usual, the title is also a reference, this time to a song by The Rolling Stones. The lyrics to said song are nice and foreboding.

Oh, a storm is threat'ning

My very life today

If I don't get some shelter

Oh yeah, I'm gonna fade away

War, children, it's just a shot away

It's just a shot away

War, children, it's just a shot away

It's just a shot away

Ooh, see the fire is sweepin'

Our very street today

Burns like a red coal carpet

Mad bull lost its way

War, children, it's just a shot away

It's just a shot away

War, children, it's just a shot away

It's just a shot away

Rape, murder!

It's just a shot away

It's just a shot away (3X)

The floods is threat'ning

My very life today

Gimme, gimme shelter

Or I'm gonna fade away

War, children, it's just a shot away

It's just a shot away (4X)

I tell you love, sister, it's just a kiss away

It's just a kiss away (5X)

Kiss away, kiss away

Cue nervous anticipation

This is definitely where things are going to really pick up plot wise. Most likely, more will be revealed about Billie’s Plan to Kill God TM. Although, the idea of Death herself leading the Winchesters to victory feels sketchy to me still. She is deliberately withholding all the details, and she’s doing it for a reason.

Something down the line is going to make the Winchesters angry with her, and she’s not going to tell them about it unless it’s absolutely necessary. I have a feeling what it is will get revealed in the next episode.

“Drag Me Away (From You)” has some very clear negative connotations, and on top of everything has a weird format. It could be based on the lyric from Africa by Toto, ‘it’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you’, or a reference to the song “Drag Me Away” by Melissa Etheridge, whose lyrics mention angels, and are about resistance and perseverance, two defining characteristics of the Winchesters. However, I’d like to point out another correlation.

Like I said before, the title has a weird format. The only other episode of Supernatural with a similar title to this one is season 12 episode 12 “Stuck in the Middle (With You)”. That episode was about what seemed like a normal hunt, but was actually a mission for Mary by the British Men of Letters to get the Colt. In that episode, Cas came ridiculously close to dying a painful and slow death, which does not bode well for this episode if it’s correlated in any way.

If what I’m predicting for Billie’s plan is true, this episode will be where the viewers are clued in on the thing she won’t tell the Winchesters about. The brothers might not necessarily get clued in (like how they still hadn’t realized Mary’s involvement with the BMOL at the end of 12x12), but whatever Billie is withholding will have serious consequences.

For this episode, I predict that Cas will come absurdly close to death again, because I believe Billie’s plan involves him dying. Billie doesn’t consider Cas a member of TFW. Multiple times in the most recent episodes, she talks about how important Jack is, how important the Winchesters are, but never Cas, and it feels like a weird oversight.

“Ever since I got this new job, I stand witness to a much larger picture. You know what I see? You. And your brother. You’re important.” 13x05 “Advanced Thanatology”

“I told you Dean, you and your brother have work to do.” 15x12 “Galaxy Brain”

Surely Cas has a part to play, since he’s one of the main characters right? But Billie doesn’t trust Cas, as well she shouldn’t. Cas is a wildcard, an angel who doesn’t do as he’s told. He straight up stabbed her in the back, something that she was completely caught off guard by.

I could make an entire post about how Cas hasn’t played by the rules of the universe since season 4 episode 18 “The Monster at the End of This Book”, but I digress. The point is that this episode is probably going to shed some light on the true threat the team is facing. Which leads us into...

17-18

Here’s where things start to get muddy. The titles from this point on get vague, and without any solid information about the previous episodes, these could be headed anywhere.

“Unity” is the next episode, number 17, and that could mean a lot of things. In my proposed timeline it is after a supposed revelation about Billie’s plan, so maybe they feel more unified after learning it.

In Supernatural‘s usual story structure, though, it feels like this episode will probably be the buildup to what seems like the end of the villain, but will actually be the darkest hour.

The episode following right after this is titled “Despair” and I think that’s telling. Supernatural writers do this often, where the boys make a plan, and inevitably when they follow it something goes wrong. “Unity” is the plan being made and carried out, and “Despair” is either the episode where everything goes wrong, or the aftermath.

[EDIT: The title of episode 18 is actually “The Truth”, which I believe may still narratively serve the same purpose, but now I’m more convinced that this is where the Winchesters learn about Castiel’s deal and/or something that Billie has been keeping from them about the plan to kill God. Thank you to @kingofthecrossroads for the updated information.]

Before I go into detail about this two-episode arc, an obligatory

Warning: Shipping Ahead

To my eyes, “Unity” seems like the perfect place for Castiel’s arc to reach a breaking point. If I’m right, and this is the episode where everything seems to succeed, then what better time for The Empty to snatch Cas away from his happiness.

If I was a writer, and I was in fact planning on making Destiel canon, this is where I’d do it. It makes the most sense to have Dean and Cas finally realizing their love for each other be the catalyst for Cas “finally giving himself permission to be happy” especially if this episode also contains a false climax regarding the Chuck storyline. Cas has said multiple times that he’s “far from happy”, so there has to be something huge happen for Cas to get there. Not to mention, Cas would be a sort of vessel for the audience, simultaneously happier than we’ve ever been because we were finally right, and sadder than ever because Cas is gone.

“Despair” won’t just be despair that the plan failed. It could also be Dean’s despair at losing Cas, our despair at seeing our hopes for them dashed.

[EDIT: Again, the title will NOT be “Despair” it will be “The Truth”, but I still think it’s telling that Despair was a working title for long enough that it’s on the IMDb page, and if “The Truth” contains the truth about how Dean and Cas feel about each other, then this will still be a dark episode.]

Shipping over, let’s continue.

Now we come to another referential episode, “Inherit the Earth”. There’s really not enough information to have anything solid regarding the nitty gritty details, but we can take a look at what this title is most likely referencing. “Inherit the Earth” is just a tiny part of a common phrase. It’s used in media all the time, but we’re interested in the original source.

I’m not sure if the episode will contain references to all the pieces of this passage from the Bible, but “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” seems to build off of the last episode, “Despair”. Another translation for the word meek in this instance may have been “powerless”, and after the negative moments in the previous episode TFW would probably feel pretty powerless. Maybe, in the previous episodes, Jack failed and lost his powers again, and that’s what caused Despair, but now he will inherit the powers that God had, or inherit control of earth.

If the rest of the passage is to be taken into account here, there’s also the “poor in spirit” who will ascend to the “kingdom of heaven”, possibly a reference to Cas being depressed and fighting for Heaven to be maintained. “Those who mourn will be comforted”, and that may actually bode well for Sam and Dean, who constantly mourn for the friends they’ve lost. Maybe in this episode they’ll get some closure on that front, maybe with their friends trapped in Hell going to Heaven (Kevin). The next line after “inherit the earth” refers to “those who hunger and thirst for righteousness”, and if that isn’t Michael/Adam to a T...maybe this will be the episode we see him team up to fight God. I’m not sure who the last line might refer to other than Sam, if you have any ideas feel free to tell me.

And after all this, we have the big one.

“Carry On” is referring to “Carry On My Wayward Son” by Kansas, and I don’t have a clue what it will entail. If the previous episode goes well, then this will be a sort of epilogue, with a (hopefully) happy ending for TFW, maybe we see Eileen and Sam get together, some kind of family dinner with Jody and the girls to resolve that plot line, or potentially, if the writers plan on doing it, a scene confirming Destiel.

It’d be interesting if they showed the brothers going on a normal, run-of-the-mill hunting trip, like a simple salt-and-burn, or even a (different) woman in white. It would be a nice way to bookend the story, to end on a hunt, but instead of the brothers on their own, it’s the brothers with the help of everyone they’ve come to know and care about in their journey, all the lives they’ve touched.

If, however, the conflict is not resolved by the end of the previous episode, this could be the resolution and epilogue all rolled into one, though if it were me I would want as much time as possible to resolve any lingering character questions because, at the end of the day, Supernatural has survived because of the characters. They are what people stay for, what they watch for.

Reminder that all of this is speculation. I do not know what will happen, this is just how I think the story could progress based on what we know so far.

For better or for worse, at this point Supernatural will be over. Will they do a perfect job? Probably not. This is Supernatural, it’s not the most perfect show. However, I’m excited to see where the writers will go with it. They have their work cut out for them.

[EDITED]

#spn #supernatural #supernatural theory #spn theory #spn s15 #spn season 15 #spn 15x14 #spn 15x15 #spn 15x16 #spn 15x17 #spn 15x18 #spn 15x19 #spn 15x20 #saileen #spn 15x12 #destiel #i tried not to let it influence me #hope this is coherant

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disneyat34 · 4 years ago

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Lady and the Tramp at 34

A review by Adam D. Jaspering

Lady and the Tramp begins with a quote by Josh Billings. “In the whole history of the world there is but one thing that money can not buy… to wit — the wag of a dog’s tail.”

The pithy observance frames the movie: dogs are good. It’s a simple premise. It’s a universal premise. It’s a beloved premise. It’s a marketable premise. People will want to pay money to see a movie about cartoon dogs that fall in love.

For such a simple story, Lady and the Tramp had a lengthy production history. Disney employee Joe Grant drew a springer spaniel named “Lady” in 1937. Walt Disney asked Grant to produce a storyboard for potential projects. Grant obliged, but after several false starts, nothing came to fruition. Lady was a character in search of a project.

Grant left Disney Animation Studios in 1949. His abandoned creation remained behind, unused, somewhat forgotten. In 1953, production began on a new movie featuring dogs. Disney Studios scraped together various, unrelated dog-related material in preparation for the film. Lady finally found her purpose.

“Lady” was pulled from the archives; her species changed to a cocker spaniel. “Tramp” was inspired by a 1945 short story called “Happy Dan, The Cynical Dog,“ written by Ward Greene. Disney even drew inspiration from his own life. After once standing up his wife on a date, he gifted her a puppy in a hat box as an apology. Lady is introduced this way in the film’s opening scene.

It’s easy to consider Lady and the Tramp a simple story, and there’s no shame in that. Cinderella, Alice in Wonderland, and Peter Pan were all spectacles in design and delivery. Disney was well within their rights to slow things down. Lady and the Tramp is both conventional and approachable subject matter. It focuses on the world around us, making the ordinary seem every bit as fanciful and majestic as a far-off land.

Lady and the Tramp is set in the 1910s, forty years before the film’s release. While the period is arbitrary to the story, it’s essential to the film’s appeal. Setting the film in the near past gives it a unique feeling of nostalgic charm. It’s familiar, but also slightly foreign. Enough to pique interest, not so much it alienates. It makes adults think of their glory days, and children think of their grandparents’ house.

Choosing the proper era is a delicate tightrope. Too recent, and it seems old-fashioned but unseasoned. Too far back, it seems ancient and unapproachable. The science behind choosing the right era may be nuanced, but the solution was a foregone conclusion. Disney himself chose the 1910s specifically to recreate his own childhood. A fringe benefit of owning your own film studio.

Lady and the Tramp sets the entire movie from a dog’s perspective. Physically, and dynamically. The movie focuses on dogs and their diminutive vantage point. They spend more time with human ankles than with human faces. Dogs are the main characters, but the world is still decidedly human.

Human buildings, human society, human owners, and human dominance. The dogs relate to each other as neighbors, but they still respect and acknowledge their roles as house pets. The dogs have their own understanding of the world around them, and are powerless to affect it.

The first fifteen minutes introduces us to Lady and her day-to-day life. She’s a dog, and as such she has no real responsibilities. She has no goals, no ambitions, no wants, no desires. She eats, she sleeps, she gets head pats from her masters. She has a pair of friends who stop by occasionally to say hello, but beyond that, she’s very dependent on her owners.

As time moves on, we the viewer learn Lady’s owners are expecting their first child. Lady, having no context for this, is left clueless as to what is happening. All Lady can comprehend is the construction of a nursery, and uncharacteristic exhaustion from the mother-to-be. To the animator’s credit, Lady making inquisitive faces for ten minutes straight never seems forced or repetitive.

It would seem the movie is trying to make a parallel to sibling rivalry, the animosity between children for the attention of their parents. The only difference being, instead of an older and younger child, there’s a dog and a baby. Assuming this was intentional and not subtext, it simply doesn’t work.

Sibling rivalry begins after the birth of a newborn; the eldest child acts out for attention, rebelling against the redefined roles in the family dynamic. They resent they must share attention. This doesn’t happen when one of the participants is not a child, but a household pet. The most beloved of pets mandate less affection than a biological child.

Even Lady, a dog with human attributes, can’t fault her masters for focusing more attention on the baby. Regardless that she is substantially humanized, a dog like Lady is still just a dog. There is an argument that Lady could hypothetically resent the shift attention. She is depicted wanting more facetime and interaction with her owners. She does clearly understand she has lost something.

She could resent the shift, but she doesn’t. Despite being a cartoon, Lady has no autonomy beyond being somebody’s pet. She’s not being neglected, and she’s not being mistreated, so she has no leg to stand on. The baby takes precedent over the dog. Any more than acceptance of the fact would paint Lady as selfish. This film is a romance, and Lady is supposed to be an upright, worthy heroine. She can’t have such a negative trait.

One shouldn’t fret over Lady’s circumstances anyways. The quasi-sibling rivalry concept is abandoned early. Lady doesn’t need to fight, strive, or earn attention from her owners. She doesn’t need to understand how she and the baby each fit into the family. She doesn’t have to revaluate her life of privilege now that elements have been upended. Because Lady’s masters up and leave and won’t return until the film’s conclusion.

What prompts a couple in 1911 to abandon their newborn child for several days is never explained. Is it medical? Is it business? Is it a vacation? Why do both need to leave and why can’t the baby come with them? It’s never addressed or explained. It’s questionable, uncharacteristic, and happens for no reason than to fulfill plot requirements. Lady can’t fall in love with Tramp until Lady flees her home, and Lady won’t flee her home unless Lady’s owners are gone. So Lady’s owners just... leave for some reason.

The nameless infant is left in the charge of Aunt Sarah, an apparent spinster relative to one of the parents. Throughout the Disney catalog, villains are hateful, greedy, angry, and callous. There is no other villain like Aunt Sarah, though. She’s not evil in intent, but so blindingly ignorant to what’s happening around her, the ignorance becomes a form of malice.

Aunt Sarah, embodying a key tenet of old maids, has an affinity for cats. Not only does this mean she has inherent disdain for Lady and all dogs, she brings her two pet cats into a decidedly un-catproofed house. The pair knock over vases, rip up the curtains, and torment a goldfish. Aunt Sarah, in her deliberate ignorance, blames these obvious feline crimes on Lady.

The two Siamese cats are as subtle in design as they are in deed. They are yet another racist caricature that make trawling through the classic Disney films of the 40s and 50s awkward. The animators were flat out deliberate in their disrespect. All they had to do was draw cats. The cats didn’t need to have human attributes at all, especially not Asian characteristics. The animators did not have to give the cats oversized, slanted eyes or buck teeth. They did anyways.

The main offender is their speech. While not a flattering representation of East Asia, it’s also not accurate even in a mocking way. Whatever accent these Siamese cats are speaking in, nobody on planet Earth has ever spoke that way, ever. It’s not Chinese, it’s not Japanese, it’s not Thai, it’s not anything. It’s just generically foreign. The ignorant stereotypical voice is so detached, it forgets what it’s trying to misrepresent. The cats are somehow too racist to actually be racist.

Lady goes through quite a lot in the first half of the film, but where is Tramp? As his name suggests, Tramp is a vagrant mutt (mostly schnauzer). He lives in a railyard and subsists on the handouts of kind restauranteurs. Like Lady, he also has no goals, no dreams and no ambitions. The two were destined to find each other.

Tramp’s life on the street is a stark contrast with Lady’s life of comfortable privilege. Based on this disparity, it’s easy to assume Lady and the Tramp is a film about class differences. When Lady first meets Tramp, Tramp halfheartedly alludes to the restrictions and illusions of security in the upper class, but he mostly shares this opinion to mock Lady’s discomfort. It’s not further explored.

Lady is not an upper class citizen. She doesn’t live in a society at all. She’s a pet. Her owners are affluent, but Lady’s world ends with the fence. She has no idea how the other half lives because the other half never made themselves known to her. It’s difficult to have a story of class consciousness when one character has only met five people in their entire life.

Again, another false start for the movie. Lady and the Tramp isn’t a movie about sibling rivalry, or classism, or the protection of a home from intruding racist cats. The movie sets up different plot threads, and all are a means to nothing. The film is about Lady and Tramp: two cartoon dogs falling in love. It’s what we were sold on. Why does the film try so hard to avoid delivery?

After being muzzled by Aunt Sarah, Lady flees, bumping into Tramp in her panic. Here, finally, Lady and the Tramp begins in earnest. Tramp suggests looking for ideas at the zoo. It’s an impractical solution, perhaps appropriate for a dog’s dexterity and resources. A dog can’t exactly walk into a hardware store and buy wire snips.

The zoo scene is filled with pleasant gags. Incidents with alligators, hyenas, and an extended scene with a beaver are delightful. What became a trip designed for practicality slowly blossoms into a date. The animosity and distaste that previously defined their relationship has disappeared. Finally, our promise of romance has been fulfilled.

The issue is, now the movie is half over. A normal romance story would have the two leads courting before the first act ends. Lady and the Tramp has been meandering, wasting time, establishing too much scenery that’s going underused. If there were payoffs to all these loose threads at the film’s climax, that would be one thing. But very little receives any sort of callback.

Lady and the Tramp is a movie of fluff and filler, and all of it is in service of one scene. The one scene that rescues Lady and the Tramp from obscurity and irrelevance. The scene that immortalizes its place in film history. The scene where Lady and Tramp share a plate of spaghetti.

Lady and Tramp share a plate of spaghetti while being serenaded by an Italian love song. They’re enamored by the music and the candlelit setting. They take up the two ends of the same spaghetti strand, moving closer to each other in the middle. When they finally meet, they have their first kiss. Inadvertent, but welcome all the same. Anyone waiting patiently has had their romantic thirst sufficiently satisfied.

The spaghetti scene has entered the cultural pantheon of romantic moments. It’s been alluded to, referenced, and parodied countless times. It’s more famous than the movie itself. It took a long time to get to, but Disney Studios didn’t blow the opportunity.

There is a distinct lack of purpose and urgency in the film. For long stretches of time, nothing of significance happens. The dogs walk around, the dogs see things, the dogs go places, the dogs talk. Sometimes its to the story’s benefit. Sometimes its to fill silence. Sometimes its to justify the detours. The movie is about two dogs falling in love. It’s paced so poorly, Lady goes on her first date with Tramp, then is ready to break up with him in less than twenty minutes.

This is the issue with Lady and the Tramp. As it turns out, the premise is not whether you would enjoy a movie about two cartoon dogs falling in love. Some viewers would readily accept, while others would require something more substantial. That’s not the premise. The premise is, if you were fully willing to watch a movie about two cartoon dogs falling in love, how much are you willing to endure before it happens?

The conflict, of what little there is, is the standard boilerplate romantic miscommunication. The type of problem that could easily be solved if one party could vocally explain the circumstances, were they were not obstructed by separation or one party’s stubborn refusal to listen. In the case of Lady and the Tramp, Lady is picked up by a dogcatcher and interred in a dog pound. She has her tags, so she’s only being detained for several hours. It’s just long enough to meet one of Tramp’s jilted exes, who regales Lady with a song about how much of a womanizer Tramp is. Or whatever the equivalent of “womanizer” is for dogs.

Regardless of the plot development, this jazzy song and dance number is occurring inside a dog pound. A pound that is very blatantly a stand-in for prison. The inhabitants are incredibly woeful and resigned. Some are actively trying to escape. Some have accepted their fate, singing melancholy dirges about their situation. One dog is literally executed off-camera. This is an incredibly downbeat, sullen, depressing environment. Doubly so that it occurs in what was until now a very uplifting and idyllic picture.

Prior to Lady’s apprehension, Lady and Tramp had a brief but heavy discussion about their future. Sure, they love each other. The night was wonderful, and they’d love more. But Tramp enjoys his freedom. Lady enjoys being a pet. Tramp quickly changes the subject before either is forced to face the consequences. All of this is now compounded.

We arrive at the climax; Lady is scorned by Tramp’s playboy disposition. Tramp is trying to re-evaluate his life ad hoc before the girl he loves escapes him forever, but can’t. Lady tells him off from her doghouse. Concurrently, a rat sneaks into the nursery, terrorizing the baby. Just an ordinary rat. He’s not giant, he’s not rabid, he’s not frenzied. He has evil-looking red eyes, but he’s just a rat.

Despite the argument, Tramp helps Lady and saves the baby. Aunt Sarah, useless babysitter that she is, witnesses none of this. She comes in too late, finding the screaming infant and the stray dog. Aunt Sarah calls the dogcatcher, who immediately apprehends Tramp. Lady realizes how much Tramp was willing to sacrifice for her. Tramp really had changed, and Lady really did love him. With a series of well-placed barks, Lady is able to communicate to her human owners the exact situation.

We’ll ignore how Lady’s owners return from their contrived absence at the exact moment Tramp is being carted off. We’ll ignore how Lady’s owners understand precisely what is happening from a series of barks. We’ll ignore the humans’ staked interest in Tramp despite never seeing Tramp before, ever. We’ll also ignore how much more invested the parents are in the dogcatcher fiasco than their baby being attacked moments ago.

Tramp sacrificed everything to assist Lady. And in a turnabout, Lady sacrifices nothing. The dogcatcher’s truck is stopped by one of Lady’s friends, a geriatric coonhound named Trusty. Trusty almost dies in the process (suffering only a broken leg thanks to Disney magic). Lady’s owners adopt Tramp, taking on the extra burden of another pet. Tramp forfeits his rambling vagabond lifestyle. Lady has given up nothing at all. It’s not that she doesn’t deserve a happy ending, but couldn’t she at least muss up her coat?

Lady has four puppies in the film’s epilogue. Her owners previously had trouble dividing attention between a baby and one dog. Now they have a baby and six dogs. The dogcatcher is a very prolific figure in Lady and the Tramp. He’s clearly overworked due to the town’s overpopulation problem. One would think both Lady and Tramp would be fixed promptly.

Lady and the Tramp is a movie that is self-conscious about its simple premise. It tries to mask its inferiority complex by dressing it up in weightier ideas and concepts. Very few of these additions are explored to any sort of fruition. As such, the most core romance is denied proper focus.

The romantic element is unfulfilling except for a few scenes, which entirely save the film. There’s nothing inherently wrong with Lady and the Tramp (excusing a few questionable cats), but there’s also little good to say in its favor. Unless you really, really like seeing cartoon dogs fall in love.

Fantasia Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Cinderella Alice in Wonderland Pinocchio Bambi The Three Caballeros Lady and the Tramp Peter Pan Dumbo Melody Time Saludos Amigos The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad Fun and Fancy Free Make Mine Music

#Disney #walt disney #Walt Disney Animation Studios #disney studios #Lady and the Tramp #1955 #Film Criticism #film analysis #movie review #Disney Canon

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lilacandladybugs · 4 years ago

Note

What’s your current relationship with god? I’m very curious lmao

I’m sorry if this sounds incomprehensible and rambly and disjointed or pretentious. I care a lot more about this than almost anything else in the world and I wish I could do a better job of explaining myself. But I feel like why I believe in God or what my relationship with him is like is like trying to explain who I am. And I’m just the accumulation of everything I’ve ever experienced or that I think and I feel like it’s really important that I communicate it correctly so here is my attempt.

Here’s a video that’s really good that I think will give some good background information. If you don’t want to read all of this, the video is probably enough to explain.

youtube

TLDR: This isn’t the way things are supposed to be. Death isn’t supposed to happen, it isn’t a part of the natural order of things. God loved us so much he died to fix it, and rose again to defeat death. God loves me and I love him, and I’ve never found peace or fulfillment like that in anything else.

I hope this makes sense anon let me know if you have any questions or if I misinterpreted your question.

TW suicide // grief // abuse // rape mention (not v bad or graphic or anything)

Long version:

I think I've always thought that there's something naturally (for lack of a better word) poetic about existing. Not really meaning that it's good, but kind of that everything feels really purposeful it seems to flow together like an old epic. Everything seems intensely meaningful to me.

I've always thought that life was tragic. That death is a fracture in the way things are, like we live in the ancient ruins of a long lost civilization.

And I've always thought that life seems like an incomprehensibly wonderful gift, because how can there be tragedy if there isn't anything worth losing? But somehow it seems like peace is the basic way things are, that normalcy isn't normal at all but like this status quo of goodness which makes bad things happening not only heart breaking but surprising.

Reconciling all of those ideas is really confusing.

I'm a strong proponent of thinking analytically about what you believe since the answer we choose to the question of whether or not God exists is like quite literally something we bet our lives on. We bet our life that God exists or that he doesn't, that things have meaning anchored in an external source or that they don't.

So while I grew up a Christian I've never felt really dead in it. I want to be uncomfortable. I want to be stubborn in asking questions and I don't have a problem with questioning authorities on why they believe what they believe—especially if they really confidently assert it. I want to be able to know things and understand them.

My junior year of high school three of my closest childhood friends died, and several others almost died. I remember sitting up at like two am listening to twenty one pilots self titled album just like seething and exhausted asking lord why would you abandon me like that?

Some other really horrible things happened to people that I cared about, I felt abandoned and rejected by Christians just for being broken, some of them caused it or contributed to the trauma and abuse. How could people who claimed the name of God do that?

My debate partner's best friend killed himself the same year that my friends died, and he became an atheist and I stayed a Christian. We fought about it a lot. I really seriously considered becoming an atheist.

The thing that I couldn't accept was the lack of eternality.

Really ironically I think I stayed a Christian for the same reason that my friend became an atheist. We were both asking why all of the living world is crying out in anguish. We both wanted to die. We both were angry. We both were horrified.

My friend thought that the question of “where is God?” was harder to answer than “why is there meaning to death?”

I'm a Christian because I'm horrified. He's an atheist for the same reason.

If you don’t feel like reading it, here’s the TLDR: there is no reason for someone to do something or not do something if God isn’t there to tell them to. There isn’t a moral grounding for law.

Arthur Leff was an atheist law professor at Yale in the eighties, and he wrote about the moral grounding for laws in his essay, Unspeakable Ethics, Unnatural Law. The question he was asking was what can we do to ground morality? What can we do to prove objectively that there are things one ought to do and things one ought not do?

I am unwilling to accept that. There is something evil about abuse, neglect, rape, torture. There is something about these things that violates human rights, human dignity. There's something about them that goes against objective moral law.

But without God there is no moral law. So I wouldn't be able to say, "you should never rape someone, because rape is wrong." And everything that I had experienced flew in the face of that.

Dr. Leff wrote this about that question;

“All I can say is this: it looks as if we are all we have. Given what we know about ourselves and each other, this is an extraordinarily unappetizing prospect; looking around the world, it appears that if all men are brothers, the ruling model is Cain and Abel. Neither reason, nor love, nor even terror, seems to have worked to make us "good," and worse than that, there is no reason why anything should. Only if ethics were something unspeakable by us, could law be unnatural, and therefore unchallengeable. As things now stand, everything is up for grabs.

Nevertheless:

Napalming babies is bad.

Starving the poor is wicked.

Buying and selling each other is depraved.

Those who stood up to and died resisting Hitler, Stalin, Amin, and Pol Pot-and General Custer too-have earned salvation.

Those who acquiesced deserve to be damned.

There is in the world such a thing as evil.

[All together now:] Sez who?

God help us.”

In the end, it comes down to this; Do I believe that the complexity of the universe is because there was someone intelligent actively involved in its design, do I believe that information, reason, logic, emotion, and morality exist and are reliable because they have grounding in God’s identity? Do I believe that God is who he says he is?

And I guess the answer to those questions was yes.

I saw God. He was there in the stillness - in the sunrise and sunset and at 2 am after I couldn't cry anymore. I felt him. And I know part of his goodness that I wish I never had to know. I felt like I was lying breathless bleeding out in a gutter watching the stars. Almost like a pause - just a moment in time where I was hurt enough, still enough to hear his voice.

One of the most important things I learned is that life is not hopeless. If life is a story, then the last chapter of the book has already been written. This is the premise of the song It is Well with My Soul by Horatio G. Spafford.

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul”

The powers of evil and darkness can take away my friends, my sanity, my family, and even my life, but God has already saved me, and I can find peace in spite of my circumstances. Three of my friends died, but God has already conquered death. I feel powerless, but God is powerful. I feel abandoned, but God loves me so much that he died a horrible torturous death for me. Living in light of that is peace.

Whenever I felt like I couldn’t keep going there would be something to stop me. I heard his voice in music, and in my friends that held me when I cried, and in morning glories on my morning walk. I kept lists of all of the times this happened, every time that someone encouraged me to keep going, every time that someone would quote a Bible verse when I was crying out for God to answer me, every time that the world paused. Everything asked me the same question, do you think it means nothing? Do you think that there is a direction that we’re going? Are we coming from nothing and going toward nowhere?

I had friends who heard him too. He was so gentle to us. I wasn’t able to go to church, I wasn’t able to listen to worship music but the LGBTQ+ community took care of me, they were isolated from church as well. There was enough for me in that God promised he would take care of me, and he did. He died for me. He talked to my trans friend and said, “listen, your parents have rejected you and said you’ll never be your son, but I am a good father. I love you. Be my son instead.”

God mourned with me. He saw everything and he was angry. I was able to breathe because I knew that in the end there will be justice for abuse victims, because God said that he is the holder of justice, and vengeance will be his.

When one of my friends was hospitalized I stood outside during the beginning of a thunderstorm and watched the clouds and the sky darken and lightning flash across the sky.

Even the wind and the sea obey him. He asked me if I trust him.

I guess my answer was yes.

In spite of everything that I went through, I was more thoroughly convinced that I ever was before that things matter. I was convinced that abuse is evil. I was convinced that death is an abomination. I was convinced that these laws of morality are woven into the fabric of the universe. I was convinced that God died to save us from that reality. I was convinced he loved me.

I still am

#asks #about #eslyea #religion tw #religion #christianity #christianity tw #suicide tw #grief tw #suicide #grief #rape #rape tw #just mentioned but still #thanks for asking #c:#hope this is coherent

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minsimagines · 5 years ago

Text

green malice | chapter 5

Summary: Y/N is an avenger, and she can’t stand Steve Rogers. A powerful mage, able to conjure green deadly mists to use as she wishes. The public is horrified by her, so her private life is hidden by the name they gave her: The Green Malice.

Follow her as she tries to fulfill her destiny; to find both her place in the world and maybe love on the way there.

Characters: Y/N Y/LN / Green Malice. Steve Rogers. The Avengers. Warnings: Swear words, remembering past, make out sesh, nothing bad?? Words: 3.6k A/N: gifs and images are not mine, credit to owners!! This is a longer chapter, but hey, they need some precious alone time together<3

Parts: MASTERLIST | last - next

The house was small, and dark brown, right by a lake. Far away from civilization. Steve parked the car outside, and you had to say it looked incredibly creepy lit up by the lights of the car. Like it was abandoned. You slowly moved out of the vehicle; your eyes were glued to the cabin. It looked like one of the lake-houses you’d seen I magazines, and now… now this was yours?

You glanced up at Steve, who was looking at you. You diverted your eyes, looking back at the house. He stepped towards it, and you slowly followed him, your eyes flickering around the area.

He unlocked the door and ventured into to the darkness. You stood uneasily outside, looking at the black room.

When the lights turned on, your body jerked in surprise, before your jaw dropped at the sight. It was beautiful. The door led straight into a living room with a kitchen at the other side of the room. The walls were wood, and it felt like a cozy space. A safe space. The couch looked incredibly soft and you felt like throwing your body down on it.

There was even a fireplace!

“There’s a bathroom and a bedroom upstairs,” Steve said, and your gaze moved to meet his. “It’s not big, but I think it’ll be alright for you.”

“You’re- uhm, you’re leaving?” You asked, trying to mask your surprise. You didn’t know why you felt the way you did, but you didn’t like the idea of him leaving.

“Well… Yes. Tony was going to bring you a car, you know how to drive right?”

You nodded you head slowly, sucking your bottom lip into your mouth.

“There’s a town nearby, the one we passed through earlier, you can get anything you need there.”

“Okay,” you murmured, your eyes moving around the room. You hadn’t really been ready to be alone. You thought you had, but it was clear to you now that you didn’t want that.

“Hey, come here,” he said, his voice softer. He moved to sit down on the couch, his arm resting on the sofa back, and you reluctantly moved to sit next to him.

“If you don’t want to be alone, you can tell me,” he said, a small frown on his face. You almost wanted to scoff at him for suggesting you were afraid of being alone. But you didn’t. Because you were.

“If you want me to stay, all you have to do is say so,” he told you, his hand brushing against your shoulders. The move sent shivers down your back. You looked up at him, and suddenly he looked… he looked gorgeous.

His eyes were so blue, you hadn’t noticed before. They were so worried, and they had seen so much. The way his broad shoulders made his jacket tighter, his skin was perfect. How had you not seen this before? How had you not seen the beauty he was?

“I…” you didn’t know what to say. This new revelation, this new feeling towards him sprung up on you, and you suddenly felt extremely powerless. Both physically and emotionally.

“I’ll stay if you want me to, I told you I’m not leaving you,” he continued, and you couldn’t help looking at his lips as he spoke. The words all of a sudden had a whole other impact on you.

“Yes,” you muttered, barely audible.

“Then I’ll stay,” he said, a warm smile on his face. You had never been one to seek physical contact, but you couldn’t help yourself. You threw your arms around his neck and hugged him. Tighter than you probably had to, but when the relief of not being alone hit you, you’d realized how scared you had been.

You had needed a hug for god knows how long, and you decided that if you wanted it – you should take it yourself.

He seemed taken aback at first, but he wrapped his arms around you, hugging you just as tight. It felt strange. Safe and warm. Different from the other times you had been close to him.

Was this attraction you were feeling? Was that the thing making your heart go berserk in your chest?

Steve had told he would sleep on the couch, and you had said that was fine.

You regretted it later. You laid in your new room, small bedside lamp on. It was a nice room. There was a double bed, and right next to it was a door that led to a small balcony, overlooking the lake you guessed. There was even a small desk in there, with a few books and notebooks. Pens in a cup.

But you felt small. And alone, and it was so different. You tried to convince yourself you felt that way because it was a new house, and because it was scary being on the run from the government. But deep down, when all your thoughts seemed to swerve towards Steve… you knew it was because you wanted to be near him.

So, downstairs you went. You turned off your lamp and picked up a blanket. You didn’t bother putting on more clothes – he had already seen you in your underwear, so, you wrapped the blanket around you and moved out of the room, closing the door behind you. Your bare feet softly tapping against the wood, and you moved down the stairs. It was so dark, and everything was quiet. For a second, you were afraid he had left you. But you knew he wouldn’t. He would have told you, at least.

When hands grasped your hips from behind, you screeched, accidentally letting out an explosion of gas.

“It’s me,” Steve said, and you spun around in your frenzy. Had it been hard to see before, it was definitely hard to see with a living room filled with gas.

“Shit,” you cussed quietly, your heart racing in your chest. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he said. You gave him an embarrassed, sheepish look in the dark as you pulled the smoke back, clearing the room.

“Can’t sleep?” He asked, moving towards the couch. Your night vision was getting better. He was wearing a tight t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. It was distracting.

Stupid tight t-shirt. Why is everything so tight?

You nodded your head, and he motioned you over to the couch as he sat down.

“Me neither,” he mumbled, leaning back and you bit your lips as you sat next to him, curling your legs up on the couch.

“What are you thinking about?” You asked, and the words felt so sour coming from your mouth. You hadn’t asked or cared about what others went through for a long time.

“You,” he answered quietly, after a long pause, and had you not been so shocked, you would have melted. Your body froze for a second, registering what he had said.

Before your brain could register what was happening, your body had moved to straddle his lap. His hands automatically found your hips. Your hands gently cupped his cheeks, your thumb stroking the skin.

You looked up at his eyes, and you were done for. He pressed his lips against yours and it was as if the whole universe made sense. It wasn’t at all innocent and sweet, like one would think from the gentleman he was. It was hot, fiery and passionate. It was demanding, and you melted into him. You tried to gather every last bit of willpower you could, to push away from him, but as his hands circled your body, your brain shut itself off. His warm lips, his smell, his strong arms – was all you could sense. The world seemed to fade away.

Your lips parted slightly, both chests heaving for breath, not really grasping what was happening but feeling the adrenaline.

“Stay with me,” you breathed against his lips. He didn’t answer. His hands slid under your butt, lifting you up as he stood from the couch. You wrapped your arms around his neck, and his lips found yours again as he carried you somewhere. You didn’t care where – all you cared about was his body against yours.

He placed you down on your bed and his body hovered over you, his lips brushing yours. He leaned back to look at you, and you slowly blinked your eyes open. You knew he had fallen in love with you.

You had known for a while, though in your blindness – in your anger at the world for destroying you, it had made you even more upset, it had turned to denial. Which never brings good with it.

“I know now…” you mutter, feeling more confident than you had ever before.

“Know what?” He asked, but before you could answer, he moved, sitting up. You did the same, and you faced him.

“I… I know why I didn’t like you,” you whisper, looking down at your hands. Your ears burned, feeling a bit ashamed, though you didn’t want to blame yourself – it’s not like you came from a place that made it easy to trust people.

“I think… I think I was angry, at you,” you frown, trying to filter out the words you needed from your messy mind. “Because you saw me. And you asked how I was. And I was – I don’t think I’d ever had anyone care about how I was feeling about anything and I wasn’t prepared.”

He was quiet, and you were somewhat grateful, because you needed time to express yourself. You hadn’t been open to anything like this – at least for as long as you could remember, and you wanted to get it right.

“I didn’t like it; it was so different from what I was used to,” you whispered, your voice shaky. “I was a weapon, and that was the only thing they cared about,” you paused. “If I got hurt, they were worried, but never because of me. They were just worried they’d need to kidnap some other girl and begin again,” you muttered, tears welling in your eyes.

“And you, you always did everything right,” you said, your brows pressed up in a sad frown. “I was a monster and everyone was so scared of me, but people always talked about you,” your bottom lip trembled slightly. “You were perfect and everyone liked you, and I didn’t even know that people could like each other and be nice, and I didn’t-” You cut yourself off as a sob shook your body. You reached your hand up to your face, as Steve wrapped his arms around your frame.

“You don’t need to say it, I understand, Y/N,” he whispered, his hand stroking your arm. You lean back and look at him, sniffing.

“Yes, I do,” you whimpered. “I do, because I don’t know how I didn’t realize until now, and I don’t hate you, I don’t hate you at all.”

“I know,” he reassured, his voice soft.

“I’m sorry,” you sobbed, your hand covering your mouth.

“You don’t need to be sorry.”

“And I told you not to fall in love with me, and I was stupid, and I didn’t mean it,” you press, through soft sobs. “Or… I did, but I regret it, I really do.”

It felt good to cry. Even if you felt horrible – your chest was like a massive hole. It was a release much greater than any anger. It felt amazing to talk, it felt amazing to realize all the things that you had been fooled to believe in captivity weren’t real outside.

“It’s okay.”

“Are you in love with me?” You ask, and you know it’s rude and too straight forward, but you need to know.

“I don’t know,” he murmured, a soft sigh escaping his lips. “But it feels like it.”

“But… why? I’ve been nothing but awful,” you whisper, confused, hot tears rolling down your cheeks.

“You always did the opposite of the others, always rebellious. Your – I don’t know, at first, I just thought you were like Bucky – that your mind was messed with, and you needed to take some time. But then… you weren’t like him. You weren’t rebellious because of HYDRA; you were just you. And it caught my eye, I suppose.”

“I’ve hurt people Steve,” you frown, looking down in shame. “I was led to believe anyone outside HYDRA was out to kill us, or even worse things. I was brainwashed into thinking they were walking Gods and I did anything for them.”

“And now?”

“Now… I’m confused. I have been, for the last year. There was so much new. I didn’t even know that a TV was for anything else than surveillance,” you sigh. “And I can’t even blame it on being from another decade, I was just fucked up.”

“It’s not your fault, Y/N, they took those years from you and they made you into something that you’re not anymore. What’s important is what you do from now on, “ he sighed sadly and pulled you against him.

“You have something inside you that makes you a threat, and even if you never had a say in it; people are going to keep coming for you, people don’t like what they don’t understand. And you have to brace yourself for that.”

“I never wanted to be like this,” you whispered, feeling defeated.

“I know, and I believe that. I don’t think you are the monster people paint you out to be. The monster you paint yourself like,” he said. “I know you need time, and I’m going to give you that. I’m going to be right here, and you can take your time. With whatever it is you need.”

You lean back and look up at him, your brows pushed up in a frown. You knew from the second you looked at him earlier, you were screwed.

“How dangerous…” you whispered; your wet eyes flickering between his.

“What?” He asked, his voice soft.

“To have something to lose.”

---

Days passed.

A week.

Two weeks.

You had slowly, very slowly, grown accustomed to being around Steve without your head being filled with malicious thoughts. Every day wasn’t like the first night; they weren’t filled with meaningful conversations or crying. Though there were longing gazes, and you knew you were working yourself towards a point where you were comfortable being around him in the light, letting him really see you. The new you.

It was strange. Like he was a whole new person in front of you – while it was just your opinion of him that had changed.

Your heart had changed.

You hadn’t even known you had one.

He was, as you had imagined, not a bad person to live with. Except for him insisting on you training at least once a day. He meant your hand to hand fighting needed improvement, concidering your powers may not work on everyone.

Outside of your beautiful cabin, on a patch of grass, he worked you like your life depended on it. He was intolerable at times, and you had stomped away from him on several occasions, though he wasn’t scared off, and you grew more and more dependent on him.

“Steve?” You called from the shed behind the cabin, your fingers brushing over a wooden object you couldn’t figure out of.

He appeared in the door, his frame blocking the sunlight as he entered. He stood next to you, looking at you expectantly.

“What… is this?” You inquired, and he about melted at the confused look on your face. Letting out a soft chuckle, he loved how you would ask about things more than he would - and he was from another decade.

“It’s a gramophone – or record player. That’s what they played music on, long before you were born,” he explained.

“Did they use this back where you came from?”

“Yeah,” he nodded his head, leaning against the workbench next to it. You hummed in response; eyes narrowed at the device.

“I thought it looked old.”

“It probably is.”

You turned on your heel, about to walk out of the shed, but you stopped and turned towards him. You had to work with yourself, remind yourself of what was normal behavior around others. Walking out mid-conversation was not normal.

“That’s all I was wondering, thanks,” you muttered, a bit awkward, Steve’s lips curling up in a wonderful smile. He adored how hard you were trying to be civil, and he made sure to let you know here and there, even if it made you embarrassed.

“You do know you can talk to me, even if there’s nothing you’re wondering about?”

Looking at him, you tilted your head.

“But, what would I talk about?”

“You can talk about whatever you want, whatever falls into your mind, whatever you like to-”

“I like poems,” you said, before he could finish. You bit your lips, giving him a sheepish look.

“Sorry.”

“Poems? There’s certainly more than enough to talk about when it comes to poems, isn’t there?”

“Yes, there are poems inside the cabin,” you nodded. “I saw the books.”

“You have any favorites?”

“In there?” You asked, gesturing towards the cabin.

“Anywhere,” he smiled, crossing his arms over his chest. You looked at him for a few seconds, a bit distracted by his arms.

“Yes, I collect them all.”

“Where?”

Tapping a finger against your temple, you told him, “Up here.”

“You remember all the poems you like?”

“Yes, there weren’t many books in the facility I lived in, but there were a few classic poetry books. I remember every one of them.”

“Can you tell me one of them?”

I motioned for him to follow me outside into the sun, my hair blowing in the soft breeze as I walked down to the water, sitting down on the grass. He followed, sitting right besides me.

You thought about it for a short while. Something that would tell him something about you; represented a part of you.

“The captive raised her hand and pressed it to her brow,” you said quietly, looking out at the water.

“’I have been struck’, she said, ‘I am suffering now,

yet these are little worth, your bolts and irons strong,

and, where they forged in steel, they could not hold me long’.”

Your eyes flickered down as a soft smile stretched over your face. It had been a while since you had thought of that one.

“It’s, uhm, it’s Emily Bronte.”

“Is that your favorite?” Steve asked, gently.

“One of them, yeah,” you nodded your head.

“Sounds a lot like you.”

“Yeah, makes me feel like I’m – makes me feel powerful.”

“You are,” Steve smiled, “You need to start seeing yourself as someone who can do incredible things, and like yourself for who you are,” he said, his hand gently grasping yours. “Never in a million years would I have believed you to know poetry books by heart - not with the front you put up.”

“It’s hard,” you muttered, looking up at him. His blue eyes were bright in the sunlight.

“But it’s worth it.”

“Am I worth it?”

“You’re worth everything.”

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