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inevitably-johnlocked · 3 years ago

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hi there! i’m a bi woman in my 20s and i’m in a committed relationship w a heterosexual man. i came out this year to him and have never been w a woman. we’ve been together for 3 years and i’m so happy w him. he’s been so supportive. i cant lie when i say that there aren’t times that i wonder if i’ll always be okay never having been in a relationship w a woman. not even for sexual reasons but purely because i love women and find myself longing to experience being with one. not sure what to do 1/4

part 2** my bf is someone i’ve talked about marriage with. we are very much committed to one another. it’s not even that i can imagine myself being with anyone else, and i know if we build a life together it’ll be amazing. it’s not that he’s not enough, because he so is. i regret not dating women before him, i guess. i don’t want to mess things up because what we’ve built together isn’t something you see everyday. and we’re both monogamous, so i wonder how to compromise with myself on this

part 3** i apologize for spamming you with this. i just am not sure what to do. i read wlw fan fictions and indulge in my fictional crushes and my boyfriend is super supportive of that. he knows i’m committed and i am. i’m currently not fully out of the closet due to personal reasons, but i do have a path to getting there. and once i am out, i just wonder if my thoughts on being with a woman will still linger. i would seriously be heartbroken if my bf and i didn’t end up together in the end

4/4 again so sorry for spamming u, just have no clue what to do. i don’t even really know what i’m asking of you, because i know it’s my decision! i guess feeling validated in this would be great, because i definitely do have feelings of guilt even tho i haven’t done anything. thank you for your time. hope you’re having a great weekend. - bi anon

Hey Nonny!

First off, I'm obligated to say that I am not a professional, so this is just my opinions and random thoughts as an outsider looking in. Inevitably, other people will have other opinions and suggestions for you, but the ultimate choice is YOURS to make. I know it's a tough one TO make, and a counsellor or a therapist can help you come to the right decision for your own heart.

So, it sounds like you're very comfortable in your sexuality, AND you are so very fortunate to have a partner who understands and loves you for you. He really sounds like quite a catch, Nonny, and I'll be brutally honest here: WHILE there is NOTHING wrong for feeling the way you do, this MAY have to be something you and him need to talk about if you can't reconcile with your own feelings. PERSONALLY, I REALLY don't think you should throw away a good thing while you have it... especially if you are genuinely happy and KNOW that you two will have a great future together. I feel like what you're experiencing right now is similar to what anyone coming out does – you just want to express yourself, and then you have a fear of missing out on something even if you have something great already.

There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to experience your life if you were with a woman... and this is where you really need to take a long hard look at yourself and decide if it's FOMO talking, or an actual thing. Because if it's something you really feel like you need to do, you'll only end up resenting your husband and then the life you build together.

I wish I could help you more than this, but this is a big complicated rabbit hole that only really you can decide upon. I suggest doing some sort of pre-marital counselling, and have this discussion with a mediator involved. I do really want you to be happy Nonny, and it sounds like you already have happiness. But again, uncomfortable conversations will need to be had, and decisions need to be made. Because your bf ALSO stands to be hurt in this thing he had NOTHING to do with, and perhaps you two can discuss it together.

I'm legit the worst person to ever talk about relationships with, Nonny – I've never ever been in a serious one in my entire life – so AS an outsider: Don't eff up a good thing unless you REALLY feel that you will resent him later.

If anyone has any other suggestions for Nonny, or want to share a similar experience, please do.

#steph replies #i am not a professional #chatting with nonnies #relationships #my thoughts #my advice

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reesiereads · 3 years ago

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ducktales x dsmp au

I’m gonna try and bullshit this, let’s go fuckers:

Techno is Scrooge and lives in a giant mansion dubbed “The Antarctic Empire” (who knows why we’re here for bs aus not naming reasons)

Phil is Donald and Bench Trio are the triplets (except they aren’t triplets Phil just adopted them all)

Wilbur is Della

Fundy acts as Webby I suppose?

So In this Techno and Phil are/were friends, they used to be adventurers and both of them are immortal (think like Scrooge’s parents)

Then Phil met Mumza (who I’m gonna say is the Goddess of Death and is on Ithaquack) and had Wilbur and Tommy (who I suppose by this logic are immortal and/or Demi-gods)

Adventures were put to a stop for a bit (much to Techno’s displeasure) while Phil raised Wilbur and Tommy in the mansion

Time passes fast in this au, so when Wilbur is in his twenties he meets a siren named Sally and we end up with Fundy (who is a half siren half god maybe immortal fucker who’s a fox for some reason omg what is his biology?-)

Anyway when Fundy is just a tiny baby Sally leaves (or dies idk) and Wilbur sets out to sea (he steals the submarine)

Wilbur gets lost at sea and Techno and Phil argue (Techno blames Phil for not being attentive enough and Phil gets defensive)

Basically Phil takes Tommy and leaves (he leaves Fundy with Techno and Niki and Jack (who act as Beakley and Duckworth))

Phil gets a houseboat and raises Tommy, he also takes in Tubbo and Ranboo during this time (finds Tubbo in a box and Ranboo in a field or something idk)

Anyway one day Phil can’t find a babysitter and even tho the boys are 17 he doesn’t trust them to not burn the houseboat down so he sucks it up and asks Techno for help

We get Woo-oo! Basically where the boys (+Fundy who in this au is 14, so basically they come back 14 years after rather then 10) get Techno back into adventures (he gave it up after Wilbur dissapered, said it felt wrong without his... ‘friends’ he means family)

Blah, blah, blah, Phil agrees to move into the mansion with the boys and they start adventuring again ha zah.

Anyway long story short Tommy wants to find out what happened to his brother, and he enlists Fundy’s help because yunno Fundy is Wilbur’s son it’s only right.

On one of their adventures they go to Ithaquack where Tommy and Fundy meet Mumza (aka their mom and grandma respectively) and they get some information on Wilbur (idk what that information is figure it out)

Soon they find letters and clues and they aren’t rlly sure what happens but it’s looking like Wilbur betrayed the family (though Tommy insists this isn’t true because from the very little he can remember of Wilbur that doesn’t seem likely)

Tubbo and Ranboo eventually find out what Tommy and Fundy have been doing (and ofc it happens in a very stressful moment on an adventure cuz ofc) and they argue (because they feel betrayed Tommy didn’t tell them as his best friends) until eventually they apologize and make up and shit and agree to work to find the truth together

Then in another high stakes situation Tommy demands the truth from Phil and Techno and the kids discover what happens yunno? And the kids end up blaming Phil (because essentially Phil wasn’t very present for Wilbur or at least Wilbur always felt like Phil wasn’t there for him and they believe that that influenced a lot in his decision to leave)

Fundy is also hurt cuz yunno, his Dad just up and fucking left him behind so now he’s bitter about that and refuses to talk about Wilbur anymore

Phil ends up leaving the mansion and going to Ithaquack on his own to stay with Mumza while the kids stay at the mansion and stew

That is until Nikki calls Phil and demands he comes back and sits everyone down and makes them talk until they reconcile

Everything is good for awhile, a few months, they go on adventures, they fuck with Quackity (who in this au is sorta like Glomgold, while Purpled is Owlson and Charlie is just there to have a good time) and everything is fine

Until Wilbur comes back

See what happened was Wilbur didn’t plan on leaving forever. He stole the sub and planned to stay in their ocean lab for a few months to get a grip on himself. It’s just that while he was there complications arose that broke the place down and he got stuck. With like zero technical skills it took him fithteen (because at this point a year has passed since they other have been back) fucking years to get everything working again and get back to the mansion.

When Wilbur gets back he sort of behaves like Della did, inserting himself and kind of acting like nothing has changed. He babies Fundy and Tommy, treating them like they’re still little kids instead of fifthteen and eighteen and he gives Tubbo and Ranboo cold shoulders. He’s also detached from Phil and sort of just ignores him, but he’ll speak to Techno just fine.

It’s just a lot of adjusting and drama and arguements (they’re trying it’s just complicated)

In the end things work out though, and Tommy gets Wilbur to see a therapist (the kids all already see Puffy)

So yay, happy family <3

#no one cares reesie #ducktales #dsmp #what is this #how did this happen #do not make me get attached to this au omg no #help-#long post

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theravennest · 4 years ago

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Hey, I saw your post about 3 will be free and binged watched it one night! I'm confused though, did Neo, Miw, and Shin got together at the end, or were Shin and PP a thing? Is it like a poly open relationship? Also, if Shin kept working in his dad's business how is he "free"? Shin deserves better🥺 I'm so confused istg😭 help a fella over here, will you?🥺

@nerdinacoolway

It’s def up for interpretation but let’s do a bit of scene dissection, shall we?

Shin lives and works primarily in Bangkok but visits the resort. How often he visits up to the point of the epilogue, who knows? But Neo and Miw weren’t in any way shocked that he showed up nor did they react like they haven’t seen him in months, so it seems he visits enough. They only teased him about his fancy outfit (that deep, sexy V that the costume director keeps putting him in).

Shin mentions that he wants to visit more often and is there to buy a house nearby. Since there’s nothing else on the island I can fathom he’d care about, this makes me believe he’s moving closer to be near Neo and Miw. Neo then says he should stay with them since their place is his home and place to eat. Shin smiles and gives a kind of head nod like he welcomes the idea even if he doesn’t verbally decide on if he’ll take them up on the offer yet.

That’s when PP comes in. When PP flirts with Shin and insinuates he helps Shin with “personal” business too, Shin wasn’t embarrassed or shy. Instead he gave PP a small glare to censure him. Was it because Shin didn’t like that PP was flirting in general...or because he was flirting in front of Miw and Neo, Shin’s partners?

At the very least, Shin’s reaction when Miw and Neo were teasing him definitely makes me believe him when he says he’s not interested in PP at this time. If that will change in the future, again, who knows?

Then our trio moves out to the beach to reminisce about the last time they were there. Neo especially brings up when they all kissed and had sex. Miw scolds him and says that he shouldn’t be explicitly talking about that since the islanders already can’t stand them. Neo counters that it shouldn’t matter who talks about them nor does it matter who they love or how many they love. Shin agrees with Neo and Miw finally gives way. Then the three start playing in the water.

Since I don’t see why the islanders would give a damn about Neo and Miw being in a relationship given they are a man and a woman, I took this to mean the whole island knows Shin, Neo, and Miw are dating and many of them disapprove of the arrangement.

Based on these context clues, I genuinely believe that Neo, Miw, and Shin are in a relatively open poly. I don’t believe Neo and Miw would ever date anyone except each other and Shin but they are ok with Shin also dating PP if he wants. They’ve both expressed disliking putting restrictions on their relationships with Shin both before the finale and again in the epilogue.

But, hey...maybe that’s just my wishful brain wanting them to be a confirmed, stable poly-V.

Now, onto the second part of the ask: whether Shin is “free” since he’s now taken over his father’s mafia...

This is also up for interpretation but I think there are degrees and qualities of freedom that the main characters all achieve. I think all (including Ter and Mae) have fairly bittersweet endings, some more bitter while others are sweeter. Ter and Mae have the bitterest endings, for sure.

Ter finds spiritual freedom from his violent habits and life of crime by embracing Mae but he doesn’t get true freedom as he is brutally killed before he can find happiness with Mae.

Mae finds freedom from her grief and pain over Phon, finds freedom from her own self doubt about standing up for herself, and finds freedom in having the transition surgery she’s wanted for years. Despite this, she still loses Ter and is plunged into grief, rage, and vengeance all over again. The only freedom she gets after that is exacting her revenge on his killer. So...sour.

Neo is freed from the danger and fear of running from the mafia. His life of poverty and disenfranchisement is behind him and he finds the monetary, spiritual, and emotional stability with Miw and Shin that he’s craved his entire life. Regardless of Neo’s hard won bungalow freedom, tho, his brother was still murdered because of choices Neo made. He likely won’t ever fully find peace with that.

Miw’s ending was the sweetest, I think. She was able to completely face her past as someone who killed her abuser, she reconciled somewhat with her step-uncle before he died, cleared her name, came to terms with her relationship with her mother, found love with Neo and Shin, and calmed the internal storm that always urges her to screw over others and run away. Miw came out on top, for sure.

Shin’s ending is the most complex outside of Mae’s, in my opinion, maybe more so since they gave more time/importance to his journey. His freedom is found with no longer being under his father’s thumb. He is completely in control of his own destiny. That he chooses to take over his father’s mafia is not necessarily a sign that he’s not free, I think. Not only is he clearly good at what he does, since Neo implies that Shin could buy the whole island, but his new empire also grants him authority and monetary security. Plus we don’t know that he’s not working to legitimize his business and clean up his father’s dirty money so maybe he won’t be a mafia don for long.

Shin has also gained the emotional and spiritual acceptance of Neo and Miw. He struggled through the whole show in finding peace with his sexuality and with his difficult relationship with intimacy, duty, and responsibility. There is definitely a bittersweet-ness to the implication that he’s given up his dream of being an artist or at the very least has set it aside as a career goal.

That said, Shin seems genuinely self assured and content in the epilogue. He’s making plans for his future with Neo and Miw, plus he allows himself to be openly affectionate and playful with them. All in all, not bad for him.

I think there’s definitely a way to finish 3 Will Be Free and feel that the end wasn’t what you wanted. Certainly some characters had more positive endings than others. I definitely don’t want to invalidate that takeaway for people. The impact of any artwork is deeply subjective, after all.

For me, the only character that got truly shortchanged was Mae. After all the tragedy and trauma she went through, I personally wish we’d at least seen a glimpse of her years later too, preferably happy in her life.

I was satisfied with where the principle 3 characters ended up. I think a show that had such a morally and emotionally complex journey earned an equally complicated denouement, so to speak.

I’m sorry to just dump this whole essay on your ask but once I started writing I couldn’t stop. lmao

#3 will be free #3wbf #thai drama #polyamory #nerdinacoolway #replies

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palimpsessed · 4 years ago

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So @captain-aralias did one of these and invited other writers to do the same. And I wasn't really going to because it feels a bit late now and also I've done quite a few other year in review posts for 2020. But then I got to thinking that it would be really nice to have one of these for each year to look back on and compare, which convinced me. So, here we go!

If you’re a writer, I’d also encourage you to steal this. Tag me on your post so I can see your thoughts! 🥰

List of Complete Fics for 2020 1. At the Top of a Tower, With You- General, 900 words 2. Use Your Words- Teen, 16k 3. A Man of Letters, or Five Times Baz Retreats and the One Time He Doesn’t- Teen, 54k 4. To the Manor Borne- Teen, 43k

Total: 4 fics, 113k words

Every one of these fics was written for an event, which, realistically, is the only reason they got finished. I have so many ideas I'm working on all at once, and I came into fandom with a focus on making art, so to actually find the motivation to sit down and write/finish/post a fic was entirely deadline based. And it's a technique I'm sure I will also employ in 2021.

Best/Worst Title?

Well, I've mentioned a few times before that I usually have a title before I have much in the way of a fic concept. I don't really dislike any of the my titles, because they all did exactly what I needed them to do, which was help me focus on what I wanted to accomplish in the fic. Comparatively speaking, though, I can answer this.

Best: Use Your Words - succinct, idiomatic, a book quote/motif that also has the potential to be a spell, does what it says on the tin, is probably what all of us are constantly yelling at Baz and Simon to do throughout the books and the fic itself

(Honorable mention to A Man of Letters because that title forms a perfect heart shape when viewed on mobile on AO3. ❤️)

Worst: At the Top of a Tower, With You - this is also a quote and it fits the fic perfectly, but it is a bit of a mouthful and it has a comma in the middle of it, which, while I love commas, feels a bit off-putting in terms of a title - also, it's always kind of bothered me that it's a Baz WS quote used for a CO-era Lucy POV

Best/worst summary?

Again, I don't really dislike any of my summaries.

Best:

To the Manor Borne: The gang decides to spend Christmas together at Pitch Manor. Romance, hijinks, and holiday cheer ensue.

Anything that lets me use the word hijinks is always good! - it's short and sweet - it does a fair job of setting up the premise for the fic and giving highlights, without giving anything away

Worst: A Man of Letters

I'm not going to include this one because it's so long, I had to cut down the version I posted on tumblr to fit in the AO3 field, which is really why I rank it below my others - it effectively sets up the world of Simon and Baz in Regency England prior to where the story starts, but it is prohibitively long - and it's set up, not summary, so it also loses points for not doing what it purports to do - I could have said exactly what this fic was in one sentence: "Simon and Baz meet at several Regency-appropriate venues over the course of a London season and reflect on their acquaintance in letters", but instead I did the full book jacket version because it was more interesting to me.

Best/Worst First Line?

Oh, this is interesting. I can honestly say that I have no idea where this will go. Going to pull up my docs and find out! Okay, since I only have four fics to consider, and I'm feeling split, I'm going to do two for each. I feel good about my words, but I will say that half of my first lines actually provide information, and the other half are incomplete thoughts. Those were stylistic decisions I made, but when taken alone, it does somewhat limit the effectivness of a sentence when it can't stand without the rest of the paragraph. Perhaps that decision will lure readers in for more?

Best:

In the end, we wind up at Pitch Manor. (To the Manor Borne)

I know that you won't be surprised when I tell you that I do not like writing letters. (A Man of Letters)

Kind of interesting that these both contain key words from the titles 🤔

Worst:

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do this. (Use Your Words)

I love how the title seems to be answering Baz's question when the two are put together like this 😂

Strange that it should end here, where it all started. (At the Top of a Tower, With You)

The title also seems to complete the first line in this one, too. I'm learning about my writing as this goes on, so that's cool!

Best/Worst Last Line?

Hmm. Okay, again, no idea. Also, a little leery of including last lines for anyone who hasn't read the fics they're from yet. (Tho I guess it's unlikely those people would be reading this😆) But let's see what we've got.

Use Your Words and A Man of Letters have very similar final lines, and both are somewhat spoilery.

Best: The ending of A Man of Letters felt risky to me, in the way that it is formatted and changes tone from the rest of the story. It was something that happened as I wrote it and I loved it. I had no idea if readers would like it, if they would feel like it worked as an ending, but I felt strongly enough about it to let the entire fic hinge on that and I think it really paid off. So, without giving you the actual last line, which is only one word, I'm going to say that one is my best ending.

Worst:

To the Manor Borne: "Carry on, Simon."

It's not bad, it's just not mine.

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, fewer than you thought, or about what you predicted?

I did not set out to write any fics in 2020. I was supposed to be taking a break from writing. I've been an aspiring novelist for half my life now, and have been going through major ups and downs with my writing. I decided I needed to re-evaluate and figure out if writing was something that was even going to be able to make me happy anymore. The answer is: YES! Just…not original fiction. At the moment. I'm happiest when I can write for the sake of writing and not have to DO something with that writing. Which is why discovering fan fiction was AMAZING!!!! 🥰🥰🥰

To actually answer the question, yes, I wrote more than I thought I would. I also wrote exactly as much as I thought I would, simply because these were all things I signed up for (with the exception of my Countdown fic, but I committed to it as if it were something that required a sign up).

I have a lot more ideas for 2021, but I don't know how many of them will come to fruition. I'm not putting pressure on myself to have to do anything beyond what I sign up for again, because it did work out so well for me starting off.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

I mean, the pairing and the fandom were in no way a surprise. 😆 They're my only ones, so those were both a given. The genre is also not surprising.

What's your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest?

A Man of Letters, without any hesitation. I adore it so much. It's the kind of fic I know I will unabashedly sit down to read over and over, even if I'm the one who wrote it. I had one reader to please and it was ME. By far, my most self-indulgent fic.

Okay, NOW your most popular story?

That depends on the metric.

To the Manor Borne leads in Comments (107), Kudos (153), and Hits (1992), and Use Your Words leads in Bookmarks (26).

But since To the Manor Borne is top in 3 out of 4 metrics, I'll say that one.

Story most upderappreciated by the universe?

I mean, the least popular by a wide margin is At the Top of a Tower, With You, but I don't know if I'd call it underappreciated. It's short, it's angsty, it's got a very unusual style, it's Lucy POV, it's the first fic I wrote and posted. I didn't really go into it with high performance expectations. I'm proud of it, I just didn't expect it to be popular. It would be nice if more people read it, but I'm not broken up over it.

Story that could have been better?

I'm not even going to touch this one. Everything can always be improved upon, but if I go down that route, nothing will ever be done. This is one of the things I have come to appreciate about traditional art versus digital. With traditional, there is only so much you can do before something is permanent and you have to live with it. It's an exercise in letting go and acceptance. Digital is flashier and more flexible, but I could (and have) spend months on a single piece and never feel satisfied, never stop tweaking. I think that's also the reason I started to hate my novels.

Sexiest story?

Based purely on overall vibes, I find the understated tension of the Regency the most appealing, so I'm going to say A Man of Letters. I didn't actually stray into sex territory in any of my fics (though Simon and Baz have had sex by the time To the Manor Borne starts, and refer to it, and probably do it "offscreen"), but A Man of Letters is the one that feels sexiest to me. Lots of thirsting!Baz and feral!Simon and sensual hand touching (how risqué!) - and YEARNING. That, to me, is the sexiest vibe of all. So. Much. Yearning.

Saddest story?

At the Top of a Tower, With You - for this one, I tagged "angst without plot" and I stand by that. It's Lucy losing her connection to Simon at the end of CO and trying to find a way to reconcile herself to leaving him alone again. I gave it as much of a hopeful bent as I could, with the refrain of Baz's spoken "love" to cling to, but it's very sad.

Most fun?

To the Manor Borne - All of my fics have their fair share of angst, but this one also has some good, silly, holiday fluff thrown in. Since I wrote it for the Countdown, each chapter was based on a different prompt, which led to this one going in all sorts of directions no single fic probably ever should. Plus, it has the most Shepard, and Shepard always makes things more fun.

Story with the single sweetest moment?

Oh my god. I don't know. No, never mind. I do. It's To the Manor Borne, but it's split between the two gift giving scenes, the Constellations and Secret Santa/Gift Giving prompts. These were private moments between Simon and Baz, sharing themselves with each other, being vulnerable, and communicating. It's the gifts they give each other, yes, but it's more so the reasons they chose those gifts, and how they show part of themselves and share their love for each other, through those gifts, that had me in tears writing those two scenes. I'm super proud of them.

Hardest story to write?

Use Your Words - it was written for an exchange and that made it really hard to write it knowing there was this pressure of making my gift-ee happy with the fic. I'm proud of it, and they really liked it, but the anxiety was too much for me.

Easiest/most fun story to write?

A Man of Letters - if there is a fic better suited to me as a writer, I haven't met it. I started writing after reading Pride and Prejudice in high school, so I started out writing Regency and I spent years and years and years of my life obsessed. When I transferred into college, an administrator I had never met before heard my name during orientation and said, "Oh, you're the Austen scholar." (It is a small, private college, and I was a transfer, so the pool of students was even smaller. But still. Many years later, I'm clearly not over it.) I also did my senior thesis on an epistolary novel (Frances Burney’s Evelina), and my English Lit emphasis was for that time period. So, I felt like I had been preparing for this fic my entire adult life. 😂

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

I don't think so. I tend to let my writing be dictated by the characters, so I'm always following their lead. Sometimes they'll do or say something that surprises me and takes me down a route I didn't necessarily foresee, but I don't think there was ever a point where one of them did something that made me rethink who they are as a character.

Most overdue story?

I will say A Man of Letters, since that one felt like a culmination of my seventeen-year-old self's wildest writing dreams. But I should probably say the Scooby Doo AU I still haven't managed to finish, because that one has been a WIP since I joined the fandom. Oops. (I'm hoping when I look over this in a year, I can feel smug that it's finally done.)

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Writing at all was a risk for me! And writing fan fic for the very first time! Writing an entire fic told only through letters. And then ending it in a completely different style from the rest of the fic. Doing a multi-chaptered fic for the Countdown, using a different prompt for each chapter, and publishing a chapter every single day for thirty days (with the exception of two days that had art). Signing up for fandom events in the first place!

What I learned from taking risks in my writing is the same thing I learned when I took risks in my art this year. I have a much better appreciation for what I've done when I push myself, I feel better about the end product, and I like it longer. I think it's really good for me to challenge myself creatively.

This year's theme and the story that demonstrates it most?

Oh boy. Um. Therapy! Both Use Your Words and To the Manor Borne had their big HEA moments built around sending Simon and Baz to therapy. I don't think that's likely to change for future fics, either. I feel like therapy as the theme for 2020 seems very fitting. (Also, I think I keep sending the boys to therapy because I'm trying to get myself there…)

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

Just to write what I want to write, have fun, not put any pressure on myself, and to take risks in my writing and my art because it will help me to grow.

#fan fic year in review #my fic #at the top of a tower with you #use your words #a man of letters #to the manor borne

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medranochav · 4 years ago

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my moms been living with us for 4 months now. her stay was initially tolerable but is now triggering and I find myself regressing in a lot of ways. Her grief has evolved into torment and per her m.o. she'd like for her issues to take first priority. Except, my sis and I are grown now, and as a therapised household (literally we've all been in counseling, babies included) though we still lean on each other for support, we ultimately don't function codependently.

And beeecause that's not how we grew up, I think my mother is now having to contend with the reality that she has to do the emotional work of surviving her many traumas (and currently her many dramas) on her own. We support her but we can't fix it for her.

Currently, it's a crisis a day and she's spiraling into mini catastrophic states everytime. Which was sufferable at first because despite my labored support, I still maintained my boundaries and didn't adopt her distress as my own. The problem now is the increasing frequency with which these crying spells are taking place. Not to mention the fact that she's been doing so in front of the kids; something that would normally be acceptable because my sis and I make space for feelings (even our own) in our home. The difference being, we do so responsibly. We listen, we talk, give affection and/or space but always with the fundamental knowledge that our emotions belong to us individually and only we can be accountable for them. A gentle reminder that though part of a unit, they still have agency and accountability.

This interdependency makes way for a more compassionate exchange. Whenever they see us cry or be vunerable, the kids have the wherewithal to approach us without attaching themselves to our emotional circumstance. It's an empathy that perceives our emotional reactions as relatable but still not their responsibility. I've seen our work proven time and time again.

One example is when my sister's [redacted] died and the boys spotted her crying on the couch. Without being prompted, they approached her independently, commiserated, hugged and kissed her and shortly after went back to playing on their electronics. It was such a graceful display of emotional validation that demonstrated their love for her without sacrificing their own desires in doing so. Truly remarkable, that at ages 5-8 they maintained boundaries while still being there for their mom.

They're also there for one another but it's seldom a sinking ship. And when emotional support is rejected they respect that as well, without taking it personally [tbh that has more to do with concepts of mandatory consent that we impart on them, but as is evident, it applies. #intersectionality] It's an ongoing practice that I'm proud to be a part of, considering the kids have codependent figureheads in both their maternal and paternal families. WE'RE TRYING TO BREAK CYCLES HERE.

Yes, our home is a safe space for emotional processing but always leveraged with the emotional balance of self reliance, awareness and resiliency. The kids have proven to have the capacity for this and through teaching them, so do we.

It's human to have outbursts, but my mother's pattern is proving to be less intrinsic and more deliberate. She needs an audience in order to experience catharsis. A potentially reasonable behavior except for it's her only one. So it's imbalanced and seeks refuge in the reliance of our total empathy.

Furthermore she's disingenuous in her emotional performances. When approached out of concern, she responds with the proverbial, "I'm ok." Like, its subtle but super manipulative to say that, when we can CLEARLY see she's not. The kids see and hear her, the least she could do is not gaslight them. And I'm not saying her tactics are successful but it exposes the bby's to unnecessary dysfunction and covertly teaches them to assume the responsibility of communicating her emotion for her. She's also non verbal and unpredictable and tho not at her best rn [like, literally who is? this year has wrecked us all] she and we deserve proper communication.

The mind games are soul sucking and triggering for me in a way that is not for my sister. Though we share a mother, the repective versions of her that we experienced as children differ greatly.

My sister's the eldest and spent the first couple years of her life as the only child to a very young mother living alone in America after being displaced by the civil unrest in her native El Salvador. By age 3, with the addition of a new baby sister (my moms 2nd) she was sent to a country fully at war. My sisters would spend the next half decade of their lives in sunny wartorn tropics, watched over and raised by our family of four women. A blissful antithesis to their future with our mom. Upon the return to their forgotten country of origin (USA) and severed from the only family and community they've ever known, the girls were whisked away by a mother they barely remembered and a baby brother they had never met... marking the beginning of my mom's descent into single motherhood.

My mom resented having a brood of kids, namely her 2nd and 3rd, who's father was abusive and absent. Don't know much of the facts outside of what she would ritualistically berate my siblings about during her brutal tantrums -as if it were their fault they simply existed. The second born, my other sister, left home at 12 and has been estranged ever since and the third, my brother, has recently severed bonds abruptly claiming a new life with a woman he's known barely a year yet now calls wife. Proving that despite being raised by the same woman we all had different mothers.

Since my siblings endured a childhood with a volatile, violent woman who managed her emotions thru physical abuse... when she wasn't, she was neglectful of them, turning her attention onto me... the youngest (four years removed from the rest of the pack). I bore witness to said abuse until I was 5, when it was litigiously exposed, forcing her to abandon corporal punishment and rely solely on mental/emotional abuse. That's the version of my mom I got.

I was 10 when my sister left for college. Just my brother and I remained. Similarly to each other we both lived in service to our mother. Whereas his duties were more physically laborious, mine consisted of full on emotional labor. I spent most of my childhood navigating a homelife that was so saturated and occupied by my mother's opera of a life, that there was no room for my feelings, thoughts, desires or identity. I was her plaything, a person sans agency. My age and vulnerability proved advantagous when grooming me. I learned to behave in ways satisfactory to her needs. I was made to react to (and collect) her emotional distress, endorse her judgements of others, perform well in school as a testament to her rearing, and accept her violations of me as normal. I was a shackled spectator, whose own emotions were mere reflections of her dramatizations. I was tailored to be the MOST convenient. So I kept secrets and coped alone. I knew just enough abt myself to remain human but lacked the vision to actualize it. And because emotional abuse is so insidious in its indoctrination, I was really none the wiser until I too moved away years later.

I'm almost 30 now and I'm a mess. I can't establish enduring relationships, I'm fat, I'm broke, I'm debilitatingly avoidant, socially inept, codependent, confused and lack significant self worth. I spent the past decade delving deep into undoing all the work done to me to keep me a reliable supply for my mother and coming to terms with all the time lost in doing so. I've had glimpses and proof of another life but this year sent me back to old coping mechanisms and devastatingly familiar relationships. I read that by its very nature, all pandemics have to end and I thought I was strong enough to share a definite time&space with my abuser for the foreseeable future.... but with no end in sight, I kind of really wish I had established a clearer version of myself and where I stand in this family, to her.

Similar predicaments flung us both to the south and having her here is like a screen forging images of the same dysfunction I exhibited upon my arrival 7 years ago. There's so much I wish I could tell my former self, namely, "it's not your fault. you're not alone. you don't have to try so hard and tomorrow is another day" And perhapz it's this layered vision of myself as seen thru her that compels me to want to save her, but doing so requires me to get too close to a flame I've yet to extinguish. Im not foundationally sound enough to go up in flames and rebuild afterwards, I need a few more rounds of therapy for all that. I'm a stitch away from coming apart at the seams. Weak construction, but I'm still standing. I have more life to live and can't risk the breeze of my mother's chaotic whims to topple what's taken years to forge. I love her, because she's the only mom I got and because she's the kids' only access to our motherland. How can I reconcile this version of me with this version of her?

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tiffgeorgina · 4 years ago

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what did you think of the new episode???

OH LORD i had a lotttt of thoughts on this episode, understandably. CONTENT WARNING FOR DISCUSSIONS OF SUICIDE AT THE VERY BOTTOM OF THIS POST (it’s a long paragraph). also obviously spoiler warning for 2x08.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

please reach out to somebody if you’re feeling distressed after this episode, or if you or a loved one is considering self harm or suicide. im always here if you need somebody to vent or talk to. i love you all and i would be devastated if anything happened to any of you.

anyways, episode discussion below:

-first of all, the corgina scene at the very beginning was PRICELESS. tiff and corkie had it DOWN until tiff lost her cool. i was DYING. casey wilson invented the word “fuck.”

-marcus/dawn and connie/mo double date. this whole scene had me CACKLING. marcus being such a comrade was not at all what i expected. the three-on-one connie smackdown i could not BREATHE. also includes classic moments such as “we’re doing black shit right now keith” and regina stealing every scene she’s in. also WOMEN xosha roquemore (connie) in dark lipstick is the best part of s2 prove me wrong

-also kind of out of order but dawn calling mo her best friend did not sit right... like in my soul. it’s like inherently wrong. so STRANGE to hear her say that.

-but connie sucks at being subtle lmfao dawn was not having any of that

-“i can’t vote. im a felon” just out of nowhere GOD. and the fact that that’s the first time dawn’s learning that mo went to prison is fucked up. i’ve never seen a woman want a man to shut up so badly, and i’ve never been so glad that said man did not shut up lmfao

-tiff and blair’s apartment looks so good yes god!! also this season keeps referencing blair’s parents and it’s kind of putting me on edge. especially since next episode is “blair [being] forced to revisit his past.” on another note, andrew’s voice in this scene is SO FUNNY. you can tell he’s a voice actor i think

-also like we knew blair was into older men but now we like know lmfao. the richard gere jokes had LAYERS these writers outsold

-ok blair&tiff’s relationship... yikes. i cannot tell what the writers want their relationship to be. are they unhealthy and toxic and bad to each other? or are they platonic soulmates and life partners? make up your MIND, showtime.

-DON’T INFANTILIZE THE CUP BYE KJDFHGDFKJ

-first blarris scene was TENSE. acting good

-the confirmation that roger has kids... i mean i suspected it from the moment tuc’s character was announced in september but it makes the ending so much more painful. i KNOW that’s the only reason why they pushed the fact that the harrises are parents in this episode, bc it was never confirmed earlier.

-i hate how funny michael hitchcock is. im trying to hate newell but im laughing. why are his lines so funny who wrote this.

-the sound design in this episode was a lot to take in. the music was intense asf and it stays intense throughout the whole ep

-keith cracking onto blair and trying to reconcile with him bc he’s feeling empathetic but blair shutting him down... can’t say keith doesn’t deserve it but i would’ve loved to have seen keith and blair just talk about being closeted and having affairs and shit.

-THE TRUMP CHILDREN LMFAOOOO they all look so smug the casting was great this ep

-mo shit talking connie TO HER FACE bc he knows connie can’t give up the act... fucking priceless i love to see it acab

-dawnroe physical contact hhhhh can you tell im rewatching this ep as i type this

-the wording on the “you’re with the FBI?” line is so perfect. bc it makes it totally sound like dawn’s onto mo and connie when really she’s just like “you’re siding with the FBI bitch?” highkey genius line

-posted this too early by accident oops. im still editing im not done yet lmfao

-MARCUS MO AND DAWN SAID ACAB FUCK YES

-ROGER GRABBING BLAIR’S HAND I AM ASCENDING. i knew about the hand holding scene there but i didn’t think roger would initiate it <3

-roger nearly kissing blair :’/

-LORD the trump children are little shits god

-daddy says it makes me look hot. you mean cute? ...no.

-oh GOD not this blarris scene. i like to believe that a gay person generally wouldn’t threaten to out another gay person on principle, but blair has shown how shitty of a person he's become all season. i hate it and it’s still ooc but i’ve seen worse on this show tbh.

-roger’s got a point, if he supports his campaign fund manager right off the bat, he’ll look like a total fraud and his career will be over. the fact that blair barely gives a shit really speaks to what his character has become. “fuck them” what a classic line

-ANDREW’S ACTING!!! his voice when he says “you use me” ugh i felt that in my chest. plus roger looking away after he says that... i mean god this cast is so talented

-blair snapping god. he’s got a point, he and roger have been dysfunctional asf all season. doesn’t justify threatening to out somebody AT ALL but finally hearing some emotion out of blair, a little bit of anger and frustration, it’s refreshing.

-does “who are you, blair?” count as a parallel to “who are you, pfaff?” from 1x01?

-blair outing roger to newell... yikes. again ooc and bad. blair’s a shitty guy but we’ve seen him have empathy before, even in s2. why would they make him do this i don’t get it.

-keith finding out about lenny is good. maybe something will finally come of this arc?

-parallel to 2x02 with blair mentioning his mom’s phrase, cool. probably gearing us up for more references to his parents next ep, culminating in a flashback to his childhood in 2x10.

-this scene where the trump kids are destroying everything is classic. you can genuinely tell that everybody there was having so much fun shooting that. idk, it’s nice.

-trump reveal HA what a great end to that scene

-keith coming by and fucking everything up... i mean i guess everybody KNOWS now. dawn/marcus is over (good) and dawn is probably right pissed at mo rn. but hey, fuck em all resurgence!!! ive been waiting for it and now it’s here!

-im scared, what’s connie gonna do? fuck cops

-“that’s a long way to go just to get a dig in” “it was a stretch but-” see what happens when you’re a narc? you lose your wit :/ sad! nice exit line from connie tho

-CW SUICIDE MENTION. ok time to talk about what definitely needs to be talked about. god this has had my chest hurting all day yesterday. i knew blarris would be outed eventually bc sho likes to milk every plot point for every bit of drama they can get out of it, but i did not expect roger to take his life. and blair finding him is just devastating. i said this on twt, but the fact that somebody could be so overwhelmed with internalized homophobia that being outed could cause them to commit suicide is so incredibly and deeply sad to me. i’ve been crying for a while over that fact.

im just. im really sad. i’ve connected so much with these characters over the past two-ish years and this is such a devastating turn of events. i have no words. it isn’t bad writing or ooc by any means, it’s just so extremely and incredibly sad. there are probably thousands of people who have been in roger’s exact position before, and the realism really hits me hard. i can’t put into words how overwhelming sad this makes me.

also pretty upset that this came as a COMPLETE shock to me and all my friends. we all watched on the sho streaming service, which did not have the “viewer discretion advised” card before the ep. the premier did, but the episode on the app did not. i really REALLY wish they had added that before i had seen the episode so i could prepare myself, even if just slightly. also wish they had added a suicide hotline number at the end.

seeing blair grieve his loss is going to hurt but it’s probably going to give us closure too. i think about this show all the time, and now thinking about it makes me so overwhelmingly sad. i sound dramatic but this show has been with me for so long. not being able to see much of blair’s reaction beside the initial shock has been haunting me. im so scared for what the future episodes are going to bring.

thank you for reading, i love you all <3

#suicide ment //#suicide #black monday #shoblackmonday #andrew rannells #slander #meta analysis #open mic night #anonymous

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haikyuu-matches · 4 years ago

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🦚 3/3.) Um so I believe in soulmate. I'd like to have someone who can understand me and love me as a whole. Someone that will treasured me, spoiled me, basically just showered me with their love. Honest- loyal- funny- kind, those are the thing that I'm looking for in a partner. I'm a touch-starved person so I always want their full attention, I won't ask for it first tho- I'm just gonna wait and sulk 😅 Wheew thats it, hope you don't mind with long desc, thank youuu ❤ p.s : I can't anon this:(

🦚2/3). Move on to my personality, I'm an enfp, taurus and gryffindor. I love to talk, and yes I am loud (I can be sarcastic sometimes) 😅 Despite being a happy go around type of girl, I actually have a lot of insecurity. I hate myself and got depressed easily, but I'm good at hiding it behind my clownery haha. I love singing, playing games, sleeping and tarot reading. I'm shy to people that I found attractive and I'm a hopeless romantic. So to sum it up I am pretty childish wheeee 🤸🏻‍♀️

#🦚 1/3 ). Hey hey! can I ask for a romantic match up ? 🥺 I'm an 159cm omnisex asian girl. I'm chubby so I look smol. long black wavy hair and I always let it down. People say I look rude and cold so they are afraid to befriend me first (some even hates me for no reason), istg its only my resting bih face (but yes I can fight, verbally and physically.) I don't care about style or brand, I only wear comfortable clothes that looks good on me. I love perfume, so yes I smelled good.

˚✶⋆｡˚☆ﾟ✦

hey, you lovely bean ! just wanna say that i’m so grateful for your patience & i truly hope you like your match !! (´｡• ▽ •｡`)

˚✶⋆｡˚☆ﾟ✦

i match you up with . . . 𝐊𝐔𝐑𝐎𝐎 𝐓𝐄𝐓𝐒𝐔𝐑𝐎𝐔 !!

firstly, i just want to say that i really think you’d fit kuroo’s type -- with your long wavy hair & your smol stature. right off the bat, he’d think you’re adorable.

the fact you smell good all the time?? like, not to be creepy but he legit can tell when you’re around because he notices the exact perfume you’re sporting (he’s observant like that) & honestly the scent becomes comforting to him--

i headcanon that once you guys become that cute couple, he will for sure initiate that back hug, which consists of him pulling you, from behind, so very close to him & the next thing you know, he’s resting his chin on your shoulder, nuzzling you & slightly breathing in your scent at the same time??

you smell irresistible okay, how could he not-

on a different note, kuroo is the type to look beyond any preconceptions surrounding anyone, including you; he has high interpersonal intelligence (surprise surprise jk), so he’ll disregard any badmouthing & see for himself who you truly are. like, people hating others before they even know them? yeah, that’s lame.

to sum it up, kuroo doesn’t regret meeting you. he’s still a little taken aback by the fact that people are hating you & saying you look rude ‘n cold?? just . . . how is that possible? last he checked, you seemed shy. . . at least to him, but overall, a total happy-go-lucky sort of girl!

in all reality, maybe you do have a resting bih face, but the thing is he’s kind of immune to that? kuroo doesn’t really take it as you look irritated; he’s used to kenma’s apathetic-looking face & he knows that sometimes people can’t help but look the way they do? he concludes that even if you did have a rbf, it’s unintentional & doesn’t represent you as a whole by any means.

he’s not one to judge appearances anyway-- he gets a lot of shade thrown his way for his “rooster head” & the belief he’s a “sly and scheming captain.” he can relate to the fact of being kinder or just overall different than what the exterior image seems to show. with that said, however, he will be mildly surprised by the fact you can fight?? in his book, that’s pretty neat & he’ll probably try to flirt by saying he can fight, too. fight for you that is-

back to the topic of appearances, even if you do see yourself as “chubby”, kuroo would shower you with love regardless.

kuroo doesn’t discriminate & he’d treat you like a queen that you are. you’re looking for someone who will treasure you? spoil you? understand you? just love you for all that you are worth?? look no further, kuroo is your guy !!

kuroo really checks off all your boxes for what you’re looking for in a partner because he’ll definitely make you feel whole. also taurus x scorpio is cute. as mentioned before, he’s observant & while he’s not, by any means, perfect, he’ll strive to put you first & put a smile on your face.

he’s still kuroo, so i mean, at times it’ll be a trial and error kind of thing (perhaps his provoking nature being the perpetrator in fights), but he’s more intuitive than he may appear?? so, he’ll reconcile & apologize when it’s needed; he’s not that kind of prideful to refuse to talk things out.

kuroo will also take note of your insecurity & how you use your clownery as a mechanism to hide this aspect of yourself. you best believe he will be that supportive boyfriend. especially when it’s just the two of you, he won’t hesitate in speaking his truths whether it be saying how you’re amazing and you’re beautiful and he’s so lucky to have you or just gushing about your overall being, from your endearing personality to your cool hobbies (like the fact you sing?? so darn impressive--)

he’s actually more sweet than people give him credit for--

in any case, he simps hard when you’re smiling or just laughing or just have that joyful look on your face-- he wants you to always be in happy spirits. . . at the very least when you’re around him, but for now, he’ll lightheartedly tease you & basically relish in you fighting back with your own words & sarcastic comments.

it’s his funny way of showing that he cares about you.

you two never shut up by the way. like, the art of conversation? you guys take it to the next level. you probably engage in the most randomest of conversations, and yet you two just don’t tire of speaking to one another?? like the flow of conversation just works with you two & you’ll find yourselves talking for hours but it feels like not a minute has past!

this is probably due to kuroo being like a lowkey nerd with big-brain tendencies & you being so gifted at talking (because you love doing so).

side note, kuroo will even be open to talking about tarot cards with you despite his initial suspicion- it just goes to show he’s not that well-versed in the subject, but he’d be eager to learn since you’re into that.

since you won’t outwardly ask for affection or attention, he’ll end up picking up on those small cues over time. if you seem at all restless or have that sulking expression, he’d have that smirk of his grace his features because you look so flipping cute. but not to fear, he’ll then be quick to draw you in for a cuddle sesh if you’re hanging at home or if you’re out in public, he doesn’t mind initiating that kind of pda where he just embraces you, wrapping his arms around you tightly because it’s a way for him to showcase how much he truly loves you.

do it back to him & he melts-- he’ll basically combust if you surprise him like that because he doesn’t realize how much he loves you showing your affection toward him, with his heart beating irregularly and such.

i feel like kuroo can be kind of doting?? even if you’re pretty childish, he honestly wouldn’t mind because you just give him a sense of purpose. like, he can naturally fulfill the role of protecting you & giving you the love you deserve. it’s not to say he’ll baby you per say, but he harbors a sense of protectiveness when it comes to you, which he may not even realize at first.

basically, under the veneer of his teasing personality lies his caring & warm nature. the kind that you are looking for!

he’s totally soft for you & he’ll admit that he would probably do anything for you if you’d say the word.

you probably won’t (at least at first), but that’s okay because he’ll figure it out.

honestly your relationship with kuroo would just consist of you two hanging out, enjoying each other’s company, and just doing those cute couple things. you two probably learn new things about each other every day... but anyway, you two could honestly just be out and about & people will be out here jealous of that because you two look like soulmates adjksdljgl. it’d be so cute !

possible runner-ups:

daichi sawamura

osamu miya

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— lily ! ♡

#hq matchup #haikyuu matchups #hq matchups #haikyuu matchup #ask box #matchup #hq #haikyuu #request #kuroo tetsuro #osamu miya #daichi sawamura

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comix-by-chloe · 5 years ago

Text

What Kind of Woman?

“What kind of woman am I going to be?”

That was never a question I asked myself, neither before, nor after, I realized I was trans. There was too much riding on the “Oh gosh, I wish I were a girl” thing, or the, “Jesus Christ, just pump me with hormones NOW” thing, to the point that the consideration of who I would become never really entered my head. The major reason I never questioned it is because I KNEW what I would look like and what I would wear (and for me, the whole of one’s character was involved in what one wears), and so why even stop to consider alternative? I mean, at least I THOUGHT I knew.

If you go back in time, back into little four year-old Chloe’s head, you’ll see a vivid picture of a kid getting obsessed with a certain type - namely, the Bad Girl, and, in particular, the bad girl who rocks a leather jacket and who could cut a man just by looking at him. This image was given to you by way of POWER RANGERS, and then by way of THE SECRET WORLD OF ALEX MACK, and then by way of the animated series BEETLEJUICE - all three include an episode in which a wonderful heroine gets somehow magically transformed into an alternate version of herself (or in the case of Alex Mack, an alternate bad version splits off from her gooey self and then traps the real one in a sewer). Also, all three rely very heavily on this alternate, “bad” version of each character to don a killer fit, accentuated (as almost always seems the case in this kind of rep, at least for the early nineties) by a leather jacket.

So, okay, you were very like INTO IT. But you were also like four. So what do you do? Well, you dream about it, aaaaand you want to talk about it but you can’t because this type of thing is literally labeled as “bad” (and, for a kid who lived her life with no intention of ever breaking the rules, something “bad” was inherently wrong, which meant you would NEVER EVER PARTAKE GOSH DARN IT!!!).

Over time (and by that I mean eleven years), you finally kiiiiind of talk to your sister about it (not about the gender thing, which hasn’t even truly shown up yet), and that gives you the courage to at least draw the things you want (tho not the courage to show said drawings to literally anyone else). And so you draw and draw. And you draw and you draw and you draw. Just…leather jackets and babes - that’s what you do. One day your mom finds your drawings. And like…the shame. The agony. THE HUMILIATION. In all honesty, the drawings weren’t even anything “bad.” They were just…unexpected, and the last thing you want people to know is that there are unexpected things to be learned about you, because that could clue them into… SOMETHING else.

Later in your teenage years you finally discreetly purchase your first leather jacket, and it’s pretty cool. Do you wear it outside the house? Nah, people could see you and TALK. You just wear it in your bedroom, constantly listening in to the other rooms in the house, forever being conscious of every other family member’s or roommate’s location in case they decided to rush the door (honestly what?). Eventually the guilt (oh yeah, there’s that whole “I believe in God, and he would NOT be happy with this” thing going on, too - that’s pretty important) drives you wild and you actually tear the jacket to shreds. And then the loss makes you so sad that you buy another! And then yadda yadda yadda, you eventually go to school and start wearing them all the time and it becomes your THING and people who you become friends with tell you that they were so intimidated by you at first because you looked so COOL and INTENSE (their words, not yours [well, kinda yours; you would definitely describe someone seeing you and not saying something to you as being because you looked COOL and INTENSE]) and then on and on and on and then HOLY SHIT WHAT YOU’RE TRANS??? AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME (YOU)!?!?!? ALL THESE YEARS!!!!! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

So like, it was already there, right? You were already DOING IT. What you could not have anticipated, though, was just how wrong you were about everything.

For starters, personality and personal aesthetic ARE NOT mutually exclusive. This has always been tough for me to reconcile (and even now still is), because it’s created in me an inability to see these Bad Girls as reasonably human. And so, despite my incredible interest in them, I’ve never really been able to write a character I could define as a badass, especially as a protagonist, because she actually lacks all humanity (like, how could someone who looks so cool have like REAL PEOPLE problems?).

I also recognize that my OWN personality and aesthetic don’t mesh in the way people might expect - sometimes it’s been simple things, like people assuming I’m not into girls (?????), or assuming that my music taste is something that it isn’t (the discussion I had with a former boss about how my favorite genres are rap and pop still sticks in my mind); other times, unfortunately, it’s put me in more dire, even scary, circumstances, like the guy who gave me his number and wouldn’t stop overtly sexualizing and fetishizing me while I was checking him out at my register, or the dude who propositioned me for sex in the back of his Uber.

While it’s always been a nice idea to gain a wild amount of confidence by being myself, the truth is that I’m a neurotic mess: I think too much about everything, over-analyzing this and that, whether it has to do with me or not; because of this, it’s hard for me to ever believe I’ve actually gotten to the place I wanted to be. Am I a babe who wears siccc fits like 100% of the time? Sure, but do I genuinely FEEL like it gets me to the mental state I desire? Oh, absolutely not! My overriding fears kind of still pedestal this idea of some kind of “Unattainable Cool,” and disallow me to ever achieve it.

It would definitely be better to rid myself of this idea at all - people are just…people! We all make mistakes, we all look dumb sometimes, we have our silly moments along with our serious ones; and so, trying to achieve something that is virtually impossible, and which, if achieved, would rid one of her humanity, isn’t even a goal worth having.

So what does this boil down to? Essentially, this expectation that I had of just becoming this cool girl with no thought put into it at all has kind of proven to me that these images I had of someone cool are NOT what actually makes someone cool. A lot of perceived coolness in this world is created as some kind of mystique to pique others’ interests. If I read as unapproachable, I am “cool,” but like being fun and friendly and goofy and caring and all that good shit somehow is NOT cool? NAAAAH, that’s fuckin bullshit. The coolest people I know are those who’ve been welcoming and approachable, and who were willing to be there and help myself or others when they could. There was no true mystique about them: that’s not what it was about! If a true “Bad Girl” person exists, she’s probably just a piece of shit, because living your life on mystique alone is nothing.

So what kind of woman have I become, then? Well, not this picture of the purest form of badassery I had ever seen, because that’s not something even worth attaining. Honestly, I was even wrong about the fact that I “knew” what I would look like. For a while, I thought I didn’t really have that awkward, early transition phase where you wear wild fits until you find something that really works for you, mainly because I thought I kinda showed up fully-formed; obvs, that was DEFINITELY not the case, but never could I have anticipated that I would 1) retire like all the clothing I bought at first within a year or two, 2) grow out of a lot of my clothing fairly quickly (those ‘mones, man!), 3) stop wearing jeans, and 4) start wearing skirts. This last one was the biggest, because it ended up taking my style from androgynous-butch to girly-cute/hot (depending on the skirt). But what does this style and fashion-sense say about me? Whelp, if there’s anything I’ve learned, it just shows that your style doesn’t dictate much of who you are - or at least, not with regard to a lot of the traits that really matter.

#trans #hormones #fashion #leather #cool

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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 5 years ago

Text

what does this have to do with clownfish?

i know this was a mostly sad episode that ended on a rather disquieting note, but i was grinning from ear to ear by the end, you guys. I LOVE THIS SILLY SHOW SO MUCH, and i want to tell you why, so let’s talk about titans 2.04:

SPOILERS ahead

1. i get why we’re getting a flashback episode now--the titans’ ~sordid past~ with deathstroke has gotten a fair bit of build-up, and now that slade has jason, we need the history between him and the og team to contextualise the upcoming confrontation. still, i was really looking forward to having kory reunite with the team, goddamit!

1.5. i like the convivial, almost collegiate vibe that the original titans have about them--the idea of them getting together both desperate to prove that they are more than what their origins and youth might suggest, and to dick around (pun not intended) and just... be, in a way that their individual circumstances wouldn’t allow them. costumes on, in mission-mode, they are trained and hyper-competent, but in their downtime they apparently like adorably warbling off-key at each other and re-enacting 90s/00s cheesy rom-coms. it’s great! i would’ve loved to see these kinds of flashbacks drip-fed to us right from the beginning of the season--putting it all in one episode, from aqualad’s introduction to demise all in forty minutes, not only screws up the pacing, but also robs us of more of garth’s genuinely warm chemistry with the rest of the team.

1.67. besides, the immediate contrast between this and the way dick conducts the titans now would’ve been funny and quite impactful.

2. for all that dick seemed standoffish and genuinely frightened of himself in s1, the slightly less filtered look we get into his mind in this flashback--well before his existential crisis--is somehow even more disquieting?? the way he talks about batman and his relationship with dawn and even his friendship with donna smacks of an alarming emotional disconnect; a space where his sense of self has fallen and been replaced by a role that he has been trained to play. he smiles more in this episode than probably all eleven of s1 combined, but he’s far more reserved, afraid of vulnerability, and completely unwilling to express any emotion that would come in the way of him being who he Needs To Be.

2.45. this episode puts into sharp relief just how far dick has come to make peace with bruce in 2.01. here batman is a glowing symbol against the night sky; a shadowy figure promising justice is vengeance and not the other way around; a hulking figure that he can hate and love without reserve, that orders him to be better no matter how exhausted he is, even while standing between him and incomprehensible evil like a bulwark. at the heart of the titans tower--a skyscraper on the opposite side of the country from gotham--is another batcave, a sign that how no matter how far he goes, dick’s perception of himself and his relationships is still inextricably tied to batman and his ways.

it’s the missing link between the angry, grieving boy we saw in flashbacks last season, and the man rapidly spiralling into crisis at the beginning of season 1. he’s internalised batman’s mission before he can decide for himself what he wants to be, and he’s been like this well into his adult years (unlike the comics). no wonder when the moment he goes Too Far finally comes, when he’s so burrowed into himself that vengeance becomes an end rather than a tool, it’s such a violent upheaval, and one that he hasn’t quite been able to put to rest in over a season.

2.65. honestly the matter of fact way he talks about being dawn’s rebound relationship after her breakup is haunting me?? dick grayson--robin, batman’s partner, the First Sidekick, leader of the titans, friend, brother, lover, a valuable asset with trackers in his arm and neck--is so utterly subsumed that his feelings, his self, automatically comes second to the role he’s playing. i wonder if he had found that he’d had a tracker installed in his body without his knowledge at this point, he’d have accepted the cold logic of it (of course batman needs to keep track of him), instead of the visceral reaction he has five years later, when he immediately picks up a knife and cuts it out of his skin.

2.95. (retrospectively it lends so much more meaning to the opening scene of 1.08??? where dick says he needs to go off on his own to get his bearings right instead of staying on to be the Leader after their traumatic time at the asylum and kory and the others are quietly accepting of it?? where’s that ‘that’s growth’ gif when you need it)

3. donna! it’s interesting that her role as a titan was always meant to be a pitstop before she moved on to Greater Things, and her struggle to reconcile that with her growing attachment to the team came across really well. jillian’s never really pressuring her to leave immediately--six months! two weeks! idk, forever! really, it’s your pick!--but donna tells dick she needs to leave that very night, either because she’s hoping that he’ll protest and ask her to stay, or that she’ll fall for garth and lose her wavering conviction to leave if she stayed any longer, or both.

3.5. donna and garth’s relationship followed so many wonderfully cheesy conventions, with all of their attendant adorableness and Problems. the scions of two different royal families of two different races falling in Forbidden Love! garth clumsily flirting with donna even as she keeps turning him down! (not cool, garth!) bonding over reminiscing about quirky childhood memories! consulting a put-upon mutual best friend! the last minute reconciliation and confession of love at the airport! garth dying right after celebrating his birthday! (that cop was just a day away from retirement!) PERFECT

like. i have NO IDEA why people still insist on calling this show ‘dark’ and ‘edgy’. don’t let the weird lighting and occasional blood spatter distract you from the goofy, well-intentioned heart right at its centre, you guys!

(but man, dick and donna’s quiet heartbreak at the prospect of separation was harder to watch. for a moment, dick really let himself feel the burden, sinking onto his haunches, his head in his hand like he was about to cry. just a moment.)

4. the others’ reaction to garth’s death is very telling. donna is devastated; hank and dawn are upset, but in a distant way that suggests that they didn’t really know him very well or for very long; and dick... well dick is hard at work in his batcave, because that is how he knows to react to disaster.

4.5. i know that i spend quite a bit of my reviews harping on and on about dick, but he is more than just the team leader, or the one with the most well-defined arc so far, or the connective tissue between the old and new teams: the titans is HIS, in ways both subtle and insubtle. batman is funding the whole thing; their resources, their tech? all wayne enterprises. by extension, this shindig is dick’s idea, dick’s operation, something he shaped after himself--serene, beautiful, somewhat impersonal on the surface and batman-the-symbol, batman-the-phantom, right at the centre.

4.65. so when the burden of morality-bending vengeance falls squarely on dick’s shoulders, it seems natural. it also seems entirely natural that when dick does follow through on what the team wants from him, the fallout is also put square on him: he’s the one that’s gone completely off the rails, the one that would sacrifice anything for a mission (like hank implies in the previous episode), the one haunted by his own darkness. this, of course, is patently false, as trigon demonstrated earlier this season.

5. the opening scene of slade wilson doing the Thing He Does Best was so fun to watch. i love that this show is always trying to do interesting things with the camera. (tho i wonder, who hired him to take out donna troy in san fran? was that even his original objective? was it dr light? i am Confusion)

5.5. ... even tho the villain-confrontation scenes seemed hampered by low effects budgets and a lack of... kineticism. i can’t figure out how dr light works even after two episodes of seeing him do his thing. he can apparently implant light bombs in people but never seems to use this awesome ability again, when it can actually help him against the titans?

6. the moment i saw joey wilson’s profile through the window of his home, i knew he was going to be my favourite character on this show. i love him and his enthusiasm and his cute shoes and his love for vintage records SO MUCH! i know it’s been hinted that he died, but i can’t bear the prospect for even a second. HE’S ALIVE AND WELL SOMEWHERE HAVING TEA AND LISTENING TO GREAT MUSIC WITH AMY ROHRBACH, I JUST KNOW IT

6.5. dick (and the others) wouldn’t be so horrified with themselves and think about shuttering the titans for good if they hadn’t felt some kind of attachment to jericho. dick especially i think is going to fall into an actual honest friendship with joey and is going to extremely disgusted with himself when it all ends in tragedy anyway.

6.75. we’re probably not going to find out what actually happened to joey for a while, but here’s hoping the Unforgivable won’t happen.

7. on the brightside tho, KORY’S BACK NEXT EP! can’t wait.

#titans #titans spoilers #dick grayson #donna troy #garth #joey wilson #jericho #meta

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awhilesince · 4 years ago

Text

Wednesday, 30 May 1832

7 1/2

12 50/..

fine morning Fahrenheit 59° at 7 1/2 – wrote copy of letter to Bado downstairs at 9 1/2 – wrote one end and crossed above 1/2 the 1st page and finished my letter begun yesterday to M– (Mariana) said the weather had sent me by York instead of Duncombe park – dined at Dr. Belcombe’s and staid 1/4 hour in the minster court – no mention of my travels there

‘but tho’ I did not reach here till after 9, we somehow got into the subject of Miss Salmon, etc etc and I soon found, from the manner in which the thing was handled, that the wisest way was to yield, to own that a new light burst in upon me, – that they were probably right, my scheme was too anomalous, and I should write to you today, and give it up – the fact is, I am convinced both by their remarks, and by the laughing and quizzing here, that all their hopes of serving me in this instance are vain – we had best think of it no more – your sentence ‘you have now so little to do with Yorkshire people, that perhaps you had better not begin again,’ made me melancholy the while – it forcibly brought to mind all I have often felt, and lamented over of late – I see all old connections so slipping from under me, that my eyes must be opened wide upon it now; and the sooner I set myself about being resigned and reconciled the better – all this costs me a deeper sigh than even you imagine; but the truth flashes upon me at last – no effort of my own can save me; and all I can do is to submit – now and then I am sadly out of sorts – but I am better certainly than I was; Croft and Isabella did me good; and I hope and flatter myself you will find no fault when you see me’ –

Mrs Henry Stephen B– Belcombe going to Harrogate for a fortnight but counts upon seeing you –

‘and very kindly hoped I should continue to be of the party – I really will accept her offer (for one or 2 days) if I can – I have no idea as yet how long I shall be here – a stay of only ten days will not suit the above plan – and now that you have made me so aware of the nowadays common uncomfortableness of our meetings, I hesitate what to do – I grieve over the Snape business, and shall always grieve, with all my heart and soul over ‘everything that gives you the least pain so undeservedly, and so oddly’ – as uncertain and unsettled as ever – people so impressed with ‘the difficulty of suiting me’ have given up the thing of inquiring about a maid hereabouts – I am glad to find Mrs Milne here – her power of being agreeable is undisputed and I am quite sure of benefitting by it during my stay here?’ –

ask her to write soon – then in what is dated this morning say Mrs M– (Milne) suspects her of telling me everything ‘which I do not allow, and say, I only wish she could persuade me that such was true’ – have told both Mrs M– (Milne) and Charlotte that I think she M– (Mariana) has managed the matter about Miss Salmon having left me time enough to cool about it –

‘In fact, I have given the thing up – I think again and again of your advice respecting Yorkshire people, I am more and more inclined to follow it – If I may no longer prudently feel the same interests I used to do, I may at least remember them with affectionate regard – But changes at heart will have begun with me more recently than it might be easy to make anyone believe – I feel already the wholesome influence of Langton air – All send their love – Ever my dearest Mary very especially and entirely yours AL (Anne Lister)’ –

Had just written one page to Mrs James Dalton when Mrs Milne came down at 10 10/.. – ten minutes alone flirting kissed her then breakfast at 10 1/2 – afterwards the news and talking and dawdling away the morning – offered to take Mrs Milne overland to India and be off in July – Joke turned to earnest – she could not leave William – said I would really be off with either Charlotte or Mrs M– (Milne) if either of them could go – Mrs N– (Norcliffe) would not consent to the one – the other could not go or would with pleasure – came to my room about 1 1/2 after a little tete a tete first with Charlotte then Mrs M (Milne) kissed the latter three or four times told her it was well she could not go to India wrote pages 2 and 3 and the ends, chit chat, and finished my letter to Mrs James Dalton – Love to all, and Isabella would write to by and by – and

‘Marianne too in gratitude for her regrets about the coffee, and kindness about the plants – Langton seems very odd to me without the one especial person who has always greeted me there before – but she is at Croft – I should be uncomfortable to have less to say, ungrateful to wish for more – ever my dear Mrs Dalton, very truly and affectionately yours AL( Anne Lister)’ –

dressed – sent George to Malton with my letters to ‘Mrs Lawton Lawton hall Lawton Cheshire’ and to ‘Mrs James Dalton Croft Rectory, Darlington, Durham’and to ‘Monsieur Bado, Harrington house, Whitehall Gardens London’ – dinner at 4 1/2 – coffee – tea – read the first 20 pages of the natural history of enthusiasm – a long talkathon from Mrs Norcliffe about the Percivals said George’s gaucherie had made the original mischief, but owned that really I had not courage to run the risk of their meeting our friends either in an evening or in a morning call – this led to a long talkathon about the peerage etc etc I of course defendent regretting from principle, that respectable people should run it down – It seems Mrs Norcliffe and Charlotte met Lady Charlotte Lindsay and the Miss Berrys at Rokeby last year and afterwards at Ambleside – the Miss B–s (Berrys) fine, and Mrs N– (Norcliffe) from her own account must have been a bore, recalling all sorts of remembrances that might have been unrelished – she left us at 10 1/2 and we sat up talking till 12 – about les usages du monde etc etc when they doubted my being sick of the world said π (Mariana) had disappointed me a sentence two likes had brought me down to have it explained insinuated her giving into reports about my liking this and that etc I did not blame her but was hurt and disappointed whatever appearances might be she at least ought to

left margin: have given me credit then talking of companions ssaid if Eliza had not married might have asked her what said Mrs M Milne and not Lou looking significantly at Charlotte no I declared I never should have thought of it and then descanted on her stiffness coldness and formality – fair but threatening day – rain between 5 and 6 – blustering windy rainy night – Fahrenheit 62 1/2° now at 12 1/2 tonight –

reference number: SH:7/ML/E/15/0073, SH:7/ML/E/15/0074

#annelistercodebreaker #annelister #june1832 #mariana #mrsmilne

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dabistits · 6 years ago

Note

1) Reading some of your meta on the Todorokis made me finally watch The Handmaiden for which I’m forever grateful so I hope you don’t mind me adding my thoughts. See, I agree on Horikoshi sucking at abuse/power imbalance narratives (to the point of living in fear of Dabi’s villainy being used to further “humanize” the Dumpster Fire) and Rei and Fuyumi’s forgiveness being particularly foul but from a Watsonian point their reaction makes a sad sad amount of sense because of a sad sad truth: no one

(cut for length and tw for discussion about fictional domestic violence)

2) ever believes the victims. Even before her hospitalization Endeavour had to have been the Number Two Hero for a long-ass time, meanwhile Rei was basically sold to him by her own family (of whom we never hear again even tho their only canon interaction is her begging them for help before her breakdown). But afterwards she was “that crazy woman who permanently scarred her son”. She literally has no other option that resigned acceptance and not rocking the boat yet. Meanwhile, the kids had lost

3) their mother, Natsuo was an understandably pissed child, Touya “died”, Enji continued to be neglectful to everyone but Shouto and Fuyumi was the oldest. Even tho they apparently had a butler madame too that’s a position that requires serving the head of the house or being fired and being no help anyway. It’s not hard to see Fuyumi trying to step up Katara-style to fill the hole their mother left; given the asshole’s indifference to their children I doubt he’d care enough to force her to live

4) with them, meaning she’s only doing it to stay close to Shouto. So of course after their mother starts feeling well enough to be part of their lives again she’d see it as a positive thing and support her. Nothing will give them back their childhoods but at least this would give her a chance to live for herself a little more. So yeah, they are narratively stuck on a shitty position and while Natsuo definitely has a point his outbursts aren’t of any real help to them.

heya anon! first i’m glad you watched the handmaiden it is a fantastic movie and it deserves to be on the lesbian movies canon forever.

second, i don’t disagree with you at all! of course abuse victims have complex reactions to their abuse and complex relationships to their abusers, which can be even further complicated by their material circumstances. my criticism of this as a narrative decision is two-fold: one is the fairly basic criticism that it’s more indication of horikoshi’s misogyny that he isn’t capable of writing women outside of merciful and nurturing roles (it’s not a coincidence that the tdrks who choose to forgive are the women, while the men seem to have—at the very least—complicated feelings), and the second is that while we may very much want to believe that rei and fuyumi have complex and fully fleshed-out reasons for feeling as they do towards their abuser, we simply don’t know because horikoshi has not shown us!

i get on hori’s case a lot for not showing, particularly in regard to the world-building, but in the case of writing abuse narratives i think it’s absolutely a matter of doing justice to show the complexity of emotions that come with the experience of abuse. without taking the time to show that complexity, especially if you want to write a non-resentful victim (but even if you want to write a resentful one tbh), the narrative very easily skews towards “forgiveness is the right way to deal with someone who wronged you” as a moral, rather than “abuse is often fraught and complicated and sometimes victims make decisions for their own sake that may involve reconciliation and forgiveness or may involve never forgiving.” i’m not the biggest fan of narratives that only choose to explore forgiveness+reconciliation, because i do believe that path is valorized undoubtedly because it’s more comfortable to abusers and their allies, but i can accept it as long as it’s well done and it prioritizes the feelings and motivations of the abuse victim without cutting the abuser any slack.

the problem with horikoshi is that… he doesn’t do any of the work that would make for a fully fleshed-out abuse narrative. as much as we might want to make up headcanons to explain it, the fact of the matter is that we don’t know why rei forgives her abuser. we don’t know why fuyumi wants to reconcile with him. the pro hero arc was all about centering the abuser and what he thought about his crimes and what he feels about them, inserting us into his perspective in order to stir up the reader’s sympathies for him. just because a character’s reaction to abuse makes sense and may mirror real peoples’ reactions to their abuse doesn’t mean that it’s written with good intentions.

we should always question why a narrative is written a certain way and whose purpose it ultimately serves. rei’s forgiveness was not written for her sake. it’s not for the sake of abuse survivors out there (who are surely salivating for yet another character who forgives their abuser for no apparent reason). hell, shouto’s breakdown while watching his abuser fight on television was not for his sake, because those scenes were shown in the context of the narrative trying to stir up sympathy for his abuser and showing him as heroic. that doesn’t mean shouto’s reaction wasn’t realistic; it means we should question why it was shown at that time, and why it was shown outside of the context of his abuse. couldn’t a better statement about abuse be achieved if we saw that scene from shouto’s perspective, coupled with his flashbacks of his childhood?

so anon, i totally understand the watsonian explanation for why rei and fuyumi are like that. i think it works as a fine explanation for people who want to flesh out those characters for their own sake, or who want to write about them in their fanfiction and needs those motivations. my concern and much of my criticism, however, lies at the doylist level, because i don’t believe in using my headcanons to do hori’s work for him. that’s why i very rarely involve headcanons in my meta and try to stick purely to what’s been presented to us in-text. i don’t want to end up in the situation where i say “rei and fuyumi’s characters are badly written and are basically there to advance abuse apologism, but it’s realistic!” because whether or not it’s realistic is sort of beside the point. the question for me is, as always, what purpose does it serve and why did the author put it there?

in this case, the answer to those questions doesn’t reflect well on horikoshi.

#ask #flaming shits dad tw #abuse #defs not saying ur wrong anon i just want to elaborate on why i approach this storyline the way i do

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scatter-kinnin-patter · 5 years ago

Text

Mobile About

💜 Under the cut💜

💖🧡💛💚💙💜🖤

About Me

Hello hello! You can call me Scatter when not referring to any of my kins- I’m 22, trans(he/him pronouns), and gay and ace. I’m kinda new to the kin community but consider this a safe space for fictionkin(or all types of otherkin!), fictives, coping link, or whomever may identify with/as fictional characters!

Thinspo, transmeds/truscums, and exclusionists/aphobes please do not interact!

I would love to interact with people from my sources and talk about canons, make friends, and all the like! However, I’m not looking for canonmates(I’ve had a few bad run-ins with people telling me my canons were “wrong” if they didn’t match with theirs, and would rather not go through that again), but I greatly enjoy discussing different canons! Doubles are free to interact!

Disclaimer: I use fictionkin to cope with mental illness, so please try to understand why I do this and don’t interact if you have anti-kin sentiment. I ain’t hurting anyone, and I wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t have fiction to fall back on, so please respect this harmless fun <3

💖🧡💛💚💙💜🖤

Kin List

💜Michael Afton💜

Nickname(s): Eggs, Mike/Mikey

Source: Five Nights at Freddy’s

About me: I’m 24, demiboy(he/him), gay, and polyamorous

About my canon: I’m the FNaF 4 brother, Sister Location’s Eggs Benedict, and FFPS’s Night Guard. I’m son of William Afton and Crying Child and Elizabeth’s older brother. I’m very gay for my Phone Guy. I’m also the Michael from The Joy of Creation: Story Mode!

Who I’m looking for: Anyone from FNaF, but I’d adore meeting some Williams and/or Springtraps! I’d love to meet fellow Aftons or nightguards too! Oh and Ennards too, I love all of the animatronics!

💛Roxas💛

Nickname(s): Rucksack

Source: Kingdom Hearts

About me: I’m 22, male(he/him), and gay

About my canon: I don’t remember Xion too much, but Axel and I were inseparable. I wasn’t quite as edgy as everyone portrays me… actually I was a huge nerd! Oh, but was I so in love with my Sora. I know it’s cliche, but being in someone’s heart does that to you. I was also, ironically, great friends with Riku!

Who I’m looking for: Anyone from Kingdom Hearts, but meeting Soras, Axels, and Rikus would make my day and then some.

🖤Darkiplier🖤

Nickname(s): Damien, Dark/Darky

Source: Markiplier’s Egos

About me: I’m 38, agender(he/him or they/them), and bisexual

About my canon: I was once Damien before the events of Who Killed Markiplier, and since then have been living with Mark’s other egos. I have long since forgiven Mark and Wilford, and we live peacefully now. I was very much in love with my Wilford and my Antisepticeye. Celine was resting during my time, so I really only had Damien taking over personality-wise.

Who I’m looking for: Any of Markiplier’s or Jacksepticeye’s egos, but I would adore meeting a Googleplier, Wilford, or Anti.

💙Geno💙

Nickname(s): Starboy, ♡♪!?

Source: Super Mario RPG

About me: I’m a star, so age is complicated, but am an adult, genderless(he/him), and bisexual

About my canon: It’s me, that star from SMRPG! Mallow was a little brother to me, and I was very bi for the rest of my team. I frequently visited Earth again after the events of the Star Road, and fell in love with Dreambert from Mario and Luigi: Dream Team. Cappy from Odyssey and I were also very close friends.

Who I’m looking for: Anyone from the Mario franchise, but I’d really really love meeting some Marios, Bowsers, Cappys, or Dreamberts!

💖Scott Cawthon/Afton💖

Nickname(s): PG/Phone Guy, Scottie

Source: Five Nights at Freddy’s

About me: I’m 25, transmale(he/him), gay and asexual

About my canon: Hello hello~! I was the phone guy! Fun fact: I had two purple guys in my canon- one was my twin brother, the other was William Afton himself. William adopted me, actually, so he’s really quite the father figure, despite… everything. I worked in numerous Fazbear Locations, nearly died in FNaF 1, and came to my final end in FFPS.

Who I’m looking for: Anyone from FNaF, but it’d make my day to meet Purple Guys/William Aftons, Jeremy Fitzgeralds, or Mike Schmidts!

🖤Bendy🖤

Nickname(s): Benjamin, Bendaroo

Source: Bendy and the Ink Machine

About me: Age is complicated cuz I’m a toon, but consider me 21, genderless(he/him), and pansexual

About my canon: Ayyyy it’s the little devil darlin himself! I was very close with my Henry, and he actually broke the loop that freed us all! Oh I was gay for my Henry and my Sammy. Also I’ve been willin to reconcile things with Joey, why not! I was also friends with Cuphead!

Who I’m looking for: Listen, not to be all biased or anythin, I love all BatIM or Cuphead kins, bUT HENRIES AND SAMMIES PLS INTERACT

🧡Lawless🧡

Nickname(s): Hyde, Lawli, Servamp of Greed

Source: Servamp(both the anime and the manga)

About me: I’m an immortal vampire, though forever 18, male(he/him), and bisexual

About my canon: It’s ya favorite tragic backstory thespian! Oh I was hopelessly in love with my Ophelia and Licht, and thankfully have moved past my more, eheh, destructive tendencies. Now I’m just a vamp with an angel trying to recover from it all!

Who I’m looking for: Anyone from Servamp, but I’d give anything to meet a fellow Licht or any of my Vamp-Sibs!

💚Link/Masky💚

Nickname(s): Grasshopper, Hero of Time

Source: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time + Majora’s Mask

About me: I’m 18, male(he/him), and aromantic/asexual.

About my canon: I go by the name “Masky” to avoid confusion with other Links, as Majora’s Mask was my more prominent canon in both memory and my behaviors. I was short, and a bit more on the apathetic side, but I was always taking notes in my notebook and studying each scene. Guess I was more of the “think things through” type. I later on taught the Hero from Twilight Princess.

Who I’m looking for: Anyone from any Zelda game(I’ve played nearly them all), though I’d love to meet fellow Links from other timelines.

💜Virgil Sanders💜

Nickname(s): Virge, Anxiety

Source: Sanders Sides

About me: I’m 29, male(he/him), gay and asexual.

About my canon: My canon was Found Family Trope. Patton was like a father to me, and I was in a polyamorous relationship with Roman, Logan, and Deceit. Remus was cool, though we were never involved romantically or platonically. Fun fact: I had a cat hoodie in my canon that matched Pat’s but it was black and purple, lol.

Who I’m looking for: Any of the Sides, but Romans, Logans, and Deceits would be cool to meet(please no “evil” Deceits, though)

💙Taako Taako💙

Nickname(s): Koko, Bastard

Source: The Adventure Zone: Balance

About me: I’m an elf, so I’m well over 100, transmale(he/him), and gay

About my canon: Fun fact, even though I love Kravitz to no end, I was involved romantically with my Magnus! Saved the world, cooked some food, it’s what we do!

Who I’m looking for: Anyone from TaZ, but PLEASE the 7 birds- especially Magnus or Merle, interact!!!

🧡Lampy🧡

Nickname(s): Tim/Timothy, Lamps

Source: The Brave Little Toaster

About me: I’m an appliance, I have no “age”!, genderless(he/him), and gay

About my canon: Only lived through the first 2 movies, never really considered “Goes to Mars” as canon… maybe more of a fever dream. I was pretty darn smart, though social cues weren’t my strong suit. I was so in love with my Radio, though~!

Who I’m looking for: Literally anyone from either TBLT movie- but especially Radio!

💚Edd💚

Nickname(s): None(?)

Source: Eddsworld

About me: I’m 26, male(he/him), and gay

About my canon: I’m just a chaotic cat lover, what can I say! I miss having Tord as a friend and I was in love with my Tom and Eduardo! Uhhhh… Cola.

Who I’m looking for: Anyone from Eddsworld, but Toms Tords and Eduardos please interact!

💛Ethan💛

Nickname(s): Gold

Source: Pokemon Silver/Gold

About me: I’m 20, transmale(he/him), and gay

About my canon: I traveled across both Johto and Kanto with my Cyndaquil, and had a pair of roller blades! I was always on some kind of wheels, a speed demon for sure, and a bit egotistical/loud XD. I had… a relationship with Red, don’t remember if it was platonic or romantic. BFFs with Blue and Kris, and Silver was my boyf <3

Who I’m looking for: Literally ANYONE from Pokemon, but… Reds Blues and Silvers… hit me up 👀

🧡Arthur🧡

Nickname(s): Arty

Source: Mystery Skulls Animated

About me: I’m 25, male(he/him), and gay

About my canon: GUESS WHO DIDN’T DIE AFTER HELLBENT!!! Listen fam Arthur is my kin that goes into hibernation but revives every 2 years to scream before going back to vibing in the background. Had a poly relationship where both Vivi and I dated Lewis, but Vivi and I didn’t date each other, if that makes sense.

Who I’m looking for: Anyone MSA… Lewis and Vivi tho… hai-

💙Cloud Strife💙

Nickname(s): Soldier boy, Spikey

Source: Kingdom Hearts(mainly), Final Fantasy 7

About me: I’m 23, male(he/him), gay and ace

About my canon: I’m KH Cloud more than FF7, though I still connect with my FF7 self. I was one of Xehanort’s first experiments with heartless, which is how he was able to separate Sephiroth and I. Sora was like a baby brother to me. Leon and I were classic rivals-to-lovers. Fight me.

Who I’m looking for: Hit me up if you’re anyone KH(say hi to Roxas too while you’re at it) and/or FF7. Not really picky, down to chat with whomever.

💖Charles Calvin💖

Nickname(s): Charlie

Source: The Henry Stickmin Collection

About me: I’m 27, transmale(he/him), queer and ace

About my canon: Listen I just started kinnie this boi the day I typed this all I know is I had a cool pilot jacket and I’m a disaster queer and love flying choppers and Henry cute aaaaaa

Who I’m looking for: Please… I will take ANY thsc kinnies…

💖🧡💛💚💙💜🖤

#about #mobile about #~about the kins~

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maydei · 6 years ago

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I was tagged by @history-rover and @the-katuki-niliforv for the AO3 tag game like A MILLION YEARS AGO!! kjsddhfkjshfks sorry i forgot, i love you guys!!! <3

partially below a cut because this shit got LONG!

What’s your total word count on AO3?

762,774. Closing in on a million!! tho i know i’ve written waaaaay more than that when you add in my forbidden ffnet and quizilla days

Do you have a routine for writing?

sit down, open google doc, open several tabs of research. get interrupted by cat. get chewed on for a while. DRINK. write a little. browse tumblr for an hour. DRINK. read someone else’s fanfic. pass out on the couch. once i actually finish the chapter and slack off for a while, i go back to edit and re-read what i wrote, nit-pick my sentences, rearrange some stuff, then format on ao3.

it’s not hella deep lolol and most of the time i have NO memory of what i’ve written until a day or two later and i go back to read it, tbh. i almost always end up surprised with myself.

What are your favorite kinks/tropes/pairings?

for someone who is absolutely fucking sick of college and never wants to go back, my last two fics sure as hell were college student fics, tho admittedly i like, never want to write one again.punch me if i do, ok?

kinks.... 👀 many. many, many. browse my bookmarks and you’ll get an idea. i’ve lived on the internet since like 2006, sooooo. i’ve seen it all, i think. i’ve passed from denial into acceptance.

PAIRINGS: love me some pairings. Hannigram and Victuuri are the OTPs, Spirk gets an eternal special mention. There’s honestly so many I can’t count them all.

Do you have a favorite fic that you’ve written?

Well, the fic that’s gotten the most attention in terms of hits remains my SPN fic The Boy King. (RIP my child. Maybe someday my heart will sing again and I’ll finish you).

but finishing Fated was a huge achievement for me tbh, and Fated is GUNNING for the top slot in my stats page. Fated was the first longfic I’d written and finished in.... years. years, years, years. it had a HUGE effect on my confidence, the reactions I got were amazing. the reader feedback was unparalleled, and I was so fucking lucky to inspire enough people with that story that the YOI Soulmate Zine came into play. So if we’re talking about sheer impact, I think Fated takes the cake. It’s gonna hold a special place in my life basically forever. I think once I hit the year mark of that fic being completed I’ll probably go back and re-read it tbh. I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and read it from start to finish, so I’ll have to make a date to make that happen.

but undeniably Making Headlines is, like. It’s something else. The outline for this fic is immense. It’s certainly the most complicated in terms of plot an emotionally convoluted nonsense. I have NO idea if it makes any sense at all, but I have Plans™ and I am SO excited to get into the thick of the plot and the drama of this fic. once Arc Three starts it’s all over for you readers. also me.

Your fic with the most kudos?

Fated, at about 1400!

Anything you don’t like about your writing?

Honestly, there’s a lot of things. Pacing is the big one. I often feel as thought I get too bogged down on characters and not enough on the plot, even though the scenes I write later inform the plot. It’s a weird fine line that I’m not really sure how to reconcile. Also the way I write sentences gets wonky. Sometimes my mental voice does some fucky things and ends up with weird word arrangements. I have to catch myself when I go back and edit.

Inconsistent style is another. My mental health is a bag of cats, and I find I write different ways on different days depending on my mood. It can lead to some really dynamic scenes, but some that feel too slow. It’s hard to know. I just know when I get on a roll, it feels GOOD and I just churn it out. The beach scene in Fated was like that, and so was the last section in this most recent chapter of Headlines. Sometimes it just ROLLS. Sometimes it’s like pulling teeth. I never know which it’ll be.

Tag some others:

@highermagic @hanni-bunny-lecter @weconqueratdawn @fragile-teacup @jadegreenworks @sinkingorswimming @omgkatsudonplease @lucycamui @coloredink

What’s your total word count on AO3?

Do you have a routine for writing?

What are your favorite kinks/tropes/pairings?

Do you have a favorite fic that you’ve written?

Your fic with the most kudos?

Anything you don’t like about your writing?

Tag some friends!

#luc writes #long post #tag games #ao3 #writing meme

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wandering-bitch · 4 years ago

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Annotations on I Have Always Loved The Door (pt 3)

I Have Always Loved The Door is my Mianmian/Wen Qing fic about reconciling with your past, growing into yourself, and also Swords. Here’s director’s commentary on the last third of the fic, chapters 11-15!

chapter 11: hahaha everything’s getting worse

my notes in the outline said “fatal journey happens, we cried, u know”

look im still not 100% over fatal journey. nie brothers nie brothers nie brothers!!!!

just realized we referred to jgy as meng yao??? probably because this is around when i started writing Falling in Love with Love (Again) which takes place b4 sunshot

however i will say that nmj calls him meng yao bc he’s being petty

ah yes the next jgy scene!!! i struggled with how to write his thinly veiled threat so it was clear it was a threat while also being perfectly innocuous. I think i managed here

honestly in this universe jin guangyao is going to try to murder wen qing and mianmian is gonna have to spend so much time protecting her.

“huang daiyu and dinner! my two favorite things!” mianmian why are u such a lesbian

im very sorry about nie mingjue burning nie huaisang’s art but it did happen in the novel and i love how much it hurts

“[nmj] stepped into her space, hand on baxia. wen qing had been glared at and threatened by many men in her life. she had stopped cowing to them years ago” im a little proud of this. the mental image of nmj stepping so close he has to crane his neck down to see her, assuming she’d move back. and wen qing staying put and glaring at him just as grumpily from like. right below his nose

ch 12: swords swords swords.

mianmian’s pure joy at getting swords!!! my joy at writing swords!!!! people respecting mianmian!!!!

(mianmian Knows huang daiyu is a wen at this point bc she’s not a dang idiot, she knows whomst would fear their identity being leaked)

i casually said mianmian fucked jiang yanli for two reasons: one, because i’m just not interested in writing a character having a sexuality crisis and 2. because jiang yanli fucks.

say it with me kids: jiang yanli fucks.

i had such trouble figuring out what things the vice general of qinghe would need to do at this point haha

“i’m not a complete sword jock”

“if you’re going to call me jie i’m going to use that authority to tell u what to do” “and if i didn’t call u jie” “then i’d use my authority as ur doctor”

ch 13: makin a choice 2 stay

this is around when i lost major steam writing this. i knew some of the things i wanted to touch on (the memorial banquet, a cute date, the reveal tm) but not the shape of the ending

however, writing the banquet scene helped me figure out part of it: wen qing finding that qinghe can be a place she belongs, even if she has to leave. ma lingzxin and xiang tengfei deciding “this is our doctor and if anything happened to her we would kill everyone in this room”

(honestly they join mianmian’s “keep jgy’s schemes away from the infirmary” team)

Mianmian Wants To Kiss Huang Daiyu

ch 14 final date <3 <3 <3 <3

sword content. look every time someone commented that they liked the sword content i became more powerful. i don’t think of myself as swayed by readers (for instance i did not change anything about nmj dying even tho ppl kept hoping and praying) but i AM easily swayed to add sword content

(im including unarmed content as sword content for the purpose of Emotional Sword Content)

im so incredibly fucking gay over the idea of owning a part of someone’s spiritual swords. like. i gotta get me a girl who will give me a part of her own swords.

again, youya means shoot/sprout and tuzai means slaughter. hence the visions.

ch 15 hey look it’s what we’ve been waiting for!!!

i don’t know i don’t know i really don’t know

nie huaisang would 100% have destroyed wen qing if she told him she didn’t use any cultivation to help nmj

BABIES

i don’t know much about the midwife but i do know they’re about 85 years old, spry as hell, grey as hell, and grumpy as hell. but their hands are always soft and gentle and they tell u exactly what they’re going to do.

“he was bright red even after being wiped down and his face was more wrinkle than child” im not saying i based this on descriptions of me as an infant but. that is what i’m saying.

“if he’s red then why are they getting jaundice medicine” because i said so

the end of the fic sounds like this

thank u for coming on this journey with me, im a big gay who likes big gays.

this is the longest thing i’ve ever written. i keep saying that but. i straight up dropped out of college because writing things is hard. and while i’ve written a bunch bc i like to come up with stories and the like, i’ve only finished a handful of projects. this is one of them!!! so it’s gonna live in my soft gay heart for a while.

#mo dao zu shi #mdzs #the untamed #wen qing #luo qingyang #i have always loved the door #behind the scenes #mianmian #god i just [clenches fist] love mianmian

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