#they actually interact So Little it’s wild

[angelwings-crossbowstrings]

Chapter 36

Series Masterlist

Warnings: Allusions to abuse

A/N: This feels more like a filler chapter, just carrying the story further with no real plot. Maybe that’s just the way I see it. The prison is on the horizon!

That first conscious breath when waking was still such a treasured moment. You could smell nature, taste the crisp cold, hear the sequestered tunes of the wild, and even venture to forget that death walked. For that handful of invaluable heartbeats, life was normal.  

That particular morning was different. You still experienced those precious few seconds of tranquility, your lips nearly curling into a smile when your brain—still hazy from sleep—realized it was dawn. Walkers had not stumbled upon your camp. No one had died. There were no screams. It was pleasantly quiet aside from soft gurgles and coos. 

You felt no panic when your hand touched the cold ground, finding Birdie to be gone. Even without her verbal cues, you could sense she was close by and so was Daryl.

“Doin’ a awful lot’a jabberin’, lil’ Bird.” 

His reposeful tone harbored an inkling of amusement. Your eyes opened slowly as if you feared making a sound that would disrupt the moment. Daryl was sitting with his back against a tree, knees drawn up to pillow a blanketed bundle of Birdie. One tiny hand was wrapped around his index finger while her other limbs were secure beneath the warmth of the fabric. 

“C’mon, gotta keep ya snug here. S’too cold.”

Craning his neck, he pressed the gentlest of kisses to little fingers before pulling his own digit free in order to tuck her hand away. The baby did not care for the idea, grunting and passing gas in protest. Daryl huffed a laughed through his nose. 

“Gonna need ‘nother diaper if ya keep that up.”  

A tiny mouth opened as if to squeak but stretched wider in a yawn. The action had the archer laughing again, an actual quiet chuckle. Extending a finger, he tapped Birdie’s cheek and watched her root around for a source of food. You could watch him interact with her all day long without an ounce of boredom. Not if she had anything to say about it, however. 

“Guess m’gonna hafta wake up your mama, huh?” The blanket bulged and shifted with the movements of little limbs beneath it, squeaks and grunts heightening in their insistence. “Okay, okay. M’a get ‘er.” Daryl cradled the baby across his chest, her weight resting on his right forearm so that he could use his left hand to push himself up. Truthfully, he could have simply outstretched his leg and tapped your shin with his boot, but he never was one for making anything easy on himself, was he? 

You contemplated closing your eyes, feigning sleep in order to give him those few moments he had thought were private. Having waited a fraction of a second too long, you were caught blinking up at him just as he began to crouch. “Hey.” The image of his fury was a vivid snapshot seared into your memory. Were things really okay after everything the previous day? Daryl narrowed his eyes, staring almost coldly at you before bouncing Birdie gingerly. 

That was more than likely a no. 

“Bird’s hungry. Ya wanna—” He motioned broadly toward your torso. “Ya can do the thing an’ I can give ‘er a bottle if ya don’t want ‘er ‘round.”

Ouch. 

“Daryl.” You sighed, sitting up with your sleeping bag pooled around your waist, only then registering the other voices and sounds. Everyone was already moving about. You had been so transfixed on the moment between father and daughter that you hadn’t noticed. “Of course I want her.” You reached upward before withdrawing. “Do you want to feed her?”

“Wanna do everythin’ for ‘er.” He replied without missing a beat. “But she needs ‘er mama too.” He said while adjusting the baby to support her properly as he waited for you to make a decision. 

“I’ll feed her and then pump what I can so you can feed her next time, okay?” He jerked his chin in agreement. Shedding your jacket, you pulled one arm from your sweater and unclipped the bra. The fact that he turned his head when your breast was exposed unearthed so many emotions, bile creeping into your throat. 

“A’ight then.” Daryl offered the squirming bundle, softly shushing her in such a way that made your heart melt, the puddle of it aching in waves. With a forward tilt on his knee, he helped support Birdie’s head while you adjusted her at your breast, his fingertips brushing against the outside curve of your skin. The gentleness in his expression toward Birdie turned pained, his gaze averting quickly as well as his hand. “M’a go see if there’s anythin’ I can get for some meat.” 

Bracing the baby firmly with one arm, you leaned to clasp Daryl’s wrist, flinching when his attention snapped toward you. For so long, you had been prominent in your belief that he would never hurt you. Now? After his words from the day before? Your faith had waned.

“You could stay.” The way your voice vibrated, the words stuttering off your tongue, was awkward. Even through the rough patches, you had fought boldly to hold on to the woman you had been, the one that had filled your father with such pride. If he could only see you now. You had cried, begged, and made decisions that would have had him turning his back on you in shame. 

Daryl didn’t appear to know how to respond, to neither your words nor your touch. His eyes flickered from your fingers to your eyes and back again, blue pools so deeply betraying his uncertainty and confusion to a level so bare that you feared he would lash out. When he didn’t, when he remained stock still and silent, it occurred to you that maybe he didn’t know how he was supposed to react. 

That was it, wasn’t it? He knew you weren’t trying to hurt Birdie. He understood you were only trying to maintain a measure of safety, that what you were doing was something you didn’t want to do but felt you had to do it. 

On the opposite side of the same coin, the thought of your capability to consider such a method had awoken a fear in him, memories of a time when he had been defenseless. In the face of that onslaught, he did the only thing he could do to protect his daughter. He had run. 

You weren’t dealing with Daryl’s anger. 

You were dealing with his pain. 

That made the situation no less volatile. A vulnerable, confused Daryl was not the easiest version of him to manage. Honoring your theory, you allowed your fingers to loosen. It was important for him to have some sort of control and you would grant him that. 

“I’d like it if you’d stay here with us.” 

His eyes narrowed. Daryl was far from clueless. He could sense the shift in the atmosphere, but an opening had been left for him, a way to retreat. A sliver of tension melted from his muscles, you could feel the taut tendons relax beneath your touch. 

“A’ight.” He rasped, unceremoniously tipping back onto his ass. You weren’t sure if the space he left between the two of you was intentional. It didn’t matter. He had chosen to stay, the implications of that decision still unclear.

Your smile was a tight line, gaze lingering on him for a moment before you looked down at Birdie, her eyes heavy-lidded as she suckled, little hand wrapped around Daryl’s finger. When had he reached over? Her skin was so pale in comparison, soft and delicate where Daryl’s was tan and calloused. Those hands were so gentle with your daughter. With you. 

You longed to return to that time, when it was all new and a path was being carved toward a future together. Would you ever be that way again? You had to try. For Birdie and for the sake of your own heart. 

“I’ll never make a decision about her again without talking to you.” You blurted without looking away from the tender moment. There was an unnerving silence that awoke a nauseating fear inside you. “Please talk to me.” You continued to avoid meeting his eyes. “I’m not willing to lose this—us.”

“Ain’t losin’ nothin’.” 

Your head snapped up to find him watching you, expression hard and wary. “I’m—you’re not—”

“Nah.” Daryl shook his head and sniffed, rubbing his cheek against his shoulder as if alleviating an itch that may or may not have been actually there. “Just—I dunno.”

You wanted to tell him you got it, that you understood, but you didn’t. You couldn’t possibly. His trauma was wound so deep within the tendrils of his soul that it was possible some had become permanent, never able to heal. He would need to work through this, but he wouldn’t do it alone. You could still support him. Not understanding didn’t mean not caring. 

“I love her, Daryl. I was—I am—struggling, but I love her and I’d never hurt her.” You blew out a breath through pursed lips, holding his gaze despite the myriad of feelings that stirred behind your ribs. “I love you.”

He blinked fast, his eyes wet. He sniffed again, his jaw ticking as he looked away, side to side, up then down, anywhere but at you. “Y/N, I—”

“Hey, Daryl?” You turned to glare over your shoulder at Glenn. He was looking straight up, likely to avoid seeing your breast even as Birdie had the nipple sealed between her lips. One day, the lovable idiot would learn to read the room. “You think you can could go see about some game? I know it’s cold, I know, but we could use—”

“No, he can’t.” You snapped with a little more vexation than you had expected or meant, but from the way the man flinched and started backing away, your point had been made. 

“What’d ya do that for?” You found Daryl’s angry eyes awaiting you when you turned around, though he was working hard to heat the pointed glare. “Can speak for myself.”

The sigh that left you was nothing less than exasperated. “I know you can but we,” you freed a hand from beneath your daughter to gesture back and forth between her and yourself, “need you here.”

He was at war with himself, that much was obvious, blue orbs flitting back and forth. He had responsibilities tearing him in two, his duty toward the group in the throes of a never ending battle against his commitment to you and Birdie. You thought he would give in to the demands of Rick and the others, and you couldn’t fault him. Your heart sank when he stood and moved out of your view. 

“Daddy’ll be back, baby girl. He’s just going to—” The weight of a blanket settled across your shoulders seconds before Daryl lowered himself to sit at your side, his hip and shoulder pressing against yours. He didn’t smile, still tense and circumspect, but leaned closer, nearly resting his head against yours so he could stroke the baby’s cheek. 

“Told ya I can speak for myself.” He huffed. “And m’gonna stay right here.”

[fishyfishyfishtimes]

Our non-marine heroine Karleeen McQueen

You know what, you already know lots of stuff about Ahti II, I’m now going to tell you about Karleeen the spidergirl, Ahti’s best friend and the protagonist of a story I’m writing! A quick information sheet:

(+ Art reference)

Karleeen (with three e’s)… well, who doesn’t know about Karleeen! Probably not by looks, but you could read all about her on the papers some years back. It’s been a while, you'd hardly recognise her if you saw her now! Especially among the other jolly beachgoers, joggers, shoppers and summertime tourists; Karleeen lives in Naantali after all, with her single father on the coast of southwest Finland. In the summer it's busy, in the winter it's very quiet, all year round it's a very appropriate place for Karleeen, she thinks.

Now in her mid-teens (the Sirpaverse “starting point” is 2021), Karleeen is a most open and jolly girl! She loves socialising and chats with just about anybody she has a chance to interact with for more than five minutes. She’s always planning outings and looking to spend time with her best friends, too! She enjoys being silly, making wordplay and coming up with puns with ridiculous set-ups. Karleeen is a sensitive soul, she feels all of her emotions very strongly and shows them strongly, too. She sometimes has trouble regulating her emotional reactions and has a tendency to spiral. It's very difficult for Karleeen to lie, her feelings will be very clear from her facial expressions and body language no matter how hard she may pretend to feel otherwise. Not that she'd even lie! It would make her feel too bad.

Karleeen has loved nothing more her whole life than making "thingamajigs" — you know, machines, things that move, little inventions! It's so fascinating to her, how pieces that are little more than scrap on their own weave together into intricate creations that are far more than the sum of their parts. When she was a young kid she'd make things out of twigs and rocks and rope, but in her teens she's now moved onto more sophisticated methods, legos and actual robot-building sets. She's also dipping her toes into coding, so far it seems fun and it offers an additional medium for making things (only digitally this time). Karleeen would love to study mechanical engineering when she's old enough to go to a university, but it'll be a while until then! Besides for robotics Karleeen enjoys hiking in the outdoors, climbing trees, basking, collecting fun and/or useless trinkets of various kinds and strawberry-themed items, playing platformers and action-adventure games and doodling.

Karleeen’s a smart girl, but she struggles a lot with languages. Or, well, don’t let me entirely misrepresent her: she does have the achievement of knowing some ASL signs. Still, Finnish is the only language she speaks fluently and it’s her own mother tongue! She can’t quite get anything else stuck to her brain, speaking Swedish or Surish or even simple English feels like a chore. Like stated above Karleeen’s body language is very clear, one of the more common actions Karleeen does when she’s nervous, scared or sad is holding her hands and arms close to her chest.

Karleeen's favourite genre of music is classical, but she can't listen to it casually because it makes her very emotional. She likes pop, rock and soundtracks when it comes to just playing music in the car or with friends. Her favourite animals are elephants, and her favourite fish is the electric eel. Her favourite meal is minute beef steak with seasoned butter and chanterelles, but her actual favorite singular food item in general and favourite snack is wild strawberries. Her favourite drink is tap water. Her favourite flower is fireweed.

(Nowhere else to really mention this but Karleeen is also asexual and biromantic, it took a long while for her to figure out because her relationship with having human connections is rather complicated and unusual but she’s comfortable in that identity and doesn’t really overthink it, she has a lot of love in her heart for so many things so it’s only natural she would have a lot of love for many people too, she thinks)

[bigskydreaming]

The thing that absolutely drives me wild about Batman as a concept is that Bruce Wayne COULD change Gotham on a systemic level, with a proper commitment of his resources, I feel. Money absolutely is a gamechanger and a billionaire's wealth is like. Staggering when you actually think about it. There's a reason we talk about how the ten richest people in the world could change the entire world if they just stopped hoarding their resources and used them for the fullest benefit of all, and like yeah one billionaire isn't going to single-handedly change the world (particularly if the others are setting up roadblocks), but one city, Gotham, as a proof of concept? It could be done. It wouldn't be easy, it wouldn't be fast, but like....the kind of resources Bruce has to devote to things....it could be done.

And that's the kind of exploration I would kill to see in comics. And its also why I have very little patience for the "but you guys act like Bruce Wayne never does anything for the city except as Batman, he supports all these charities, he makes sure WE employees have the best benefits, employs tons of jobs, etc"....nah. We're talking about BILLIONS. He could do more. If you want me to believe that a literal billionaire is committing the fullest thrust of his resources to maximizing the potential of his city and the lives of everyone in it, then you can't give me this bare minimum bullshit, because it will always come across as him just doing the comic book equivalent of doing philanthropic work as a tax write-off. If nothing visibly is changing in Gotham's status quo, and nothing is visibly changing in terms of Bruce's personal bottom line and his wealth and resources....then no, you're not going to impress me with that because he's ultimately still not doing anything that real world 1 percenters aren't already doing.

And sorry not sorry, but I'm not gonna buy the whole ethical billionaire thing ON THE BASIS that "but he's a comic book character, you can't apply real world optics/expectations so yeah in comics it IS possible to be an ethical billionaire" if ultimately, you're still playing it safe with this character and he's at best still just matching particularly charitable real world one percenters. Like, if he's still a billionaire....he could be doing more. Ethical billionaires don't exist not because real world and comic books are different, they don't exist because ethically, nobody NEEDS to be a billionaire so a truly ethical billionaire would at a certain point have divested himself of so much of his personal wealth in an effort to help others that he would technically no longer be a billionaire.

(And yes, I'm aware there have been times Bruce hasn't been a billionaire but never because of what I'm talking about here, that's always been as a reactive consequence to storylines aimed at villains targeting his wealth, etc).

So....writing Dick as having essentially given away enough money that he no longer counts as a billionaire IS a more honest approach to that particular issue than the usual "oh well Bruce regularly gives more to charity than anyone else, etc" stuff. I will give it that.

BUT.

The reason I don't give Taylor any ground here is because like. As much as I truly believe that an honest to God billionaire's resources could definitively act as a game-changer to the status quo of at least a single city, if properly utilized.....

You have to show the work.

And that's the part Taylor never had any interest in. He talked a big game about having Dick realize that this was bigger than anything he could conceive on his own, that he asked everyone around him the best way to go about things, blah blah blah....but he never actually...SHOWED what any of that looked like, beyond the most shallow, superficial level.

I believe that comics have the potential to act as....social laboratories in a way, extrapolations of what society or social dynamics or societal interactions COULD look like if we were able to change various real world parameters....such as disenfranchised individuals having superpowers that could make them the equivalent of entire institutions or states attempting to oppress them, for instance. Or the application of a billionaire's wealth and resources devoid of having to bear the weight/burden of the exploitation that would HAVE to be at the root of that much initial wealth if it was wealth accrued in a real world setting. Or with X-Men comics in recent years, the examination of is it even possible for an ethical ethnostate to exist if one could theoretically be enacted without a displacement of an initial population or actual colonization, the crimes against humanity that go hand in hand with any real world attempt to create an ethnostate BECAUSE of the logistics of forming one in a real world setting, etc.

But it means nothing if you attempt to handwave a radical change to the status quo as just a progressive front, like Taylor did IMO, without having any genuine interest in doing that in order TO explore a specific vision of the future, a specific ethical/moral question, any kind of real thought experiment or extrapolation of some aspect of the world-as-is in pursuit of imagining the world-as-it-could-be.

And there was none of that in Taylor's Nightwing run. Same as there was none of that when he had Jean Grey do pretty much the EXACT SAME THING on a nation-building level in X-Men Red, with her literally going around to various visionaries, scientists, philosophers, etc and going "hey let's brainstorm how to make the world better for mutants" and then making a big deal about I've done it! I've figured out a better road forward!

....and never fucking showing even a hint of what that actually looks like, beyond employing a bunch of buzzwords that sound great on a completely superficial to the point of meaninglessness level, but utterly lack in substance the very second you start to scratch at the surface to see if there's anything more underneath that gloss.

Taylor's Dick Grayson said all the right words to come across as heroic but humble, "I'm committed to doing the right thing" but with only vague gestures at what the right thing is and "I'm smart enough to know I don't have all the answers" but never making an actual attempt at coming up with ANY answers vs just doing an "inclusive world tour" of people he asks for the answers or to help him find the answers that ultimately is just the height of performative....

Because no actual conclusions are ever drawn about WHAT to do. No actual novel ideas or ground-breaking risks are proposed. Absolutely nothing about the status quo in Bludhaven is ACTUALLY changed on ANY level that we can actually SEE....

Its just Taylor (through Dick) saying no I've done it, see, I've changed the status quo.

....DID YOU, though?

And yeah, like Em said, that's why Watters already has 110% more of my attention because like. Even with unlimited resources and the BEST of intentions....which I do believe Dick Grayson would always have, if embarking on a quest to truly enact societal change on a large scale....

NOBODY has the answers for how one individual can change an entire city. But that doesn't mean you're saying shit by just having the comics emphasize Dick saying "oh I don't have the answers" before then jumping to "but let's pretend that what I'm doing here IS the answer anyway."

The REAL follow-up to one man acknowledging he alone does not have the answers and has no infallible blueprint or roadmap to making a better future for his city is not just being like "oh I'm just a mere mortal, I can't figure this out on my own" -

It's following up on his attempts to change things and owning the fact that MISTAKES ARE GONNA BE MADE.

And the real crucible for him as THIS kind of hero is going to be what he does in the face of mistakes he makes when trying to change things on this level, wield societal power on this scale, all while not having a divine mandate that ensures he'll get shit right on the first try.

THAT'S the struggle I'm actually interested in seeing....and whether that convinces Dick its a mistake to try and be this ambitious and reverts him back to just regular day to day street vigilantism....or whether we get to see him pivoting and learning and growing from these mistakes, accepting the responsibility of them without making them an excuse to just stop trying to make things better.

I'm bored of heroes who have the power to change the world but never fucking do anything world-changing with the power because "oh we don't have the right to dream that big" because like....there's a point there, sure, but I don't particularly think that needs to be the point of every single story that imagines people with that level of power. I think there's room for stories about heroes with that power who can acknowledge and own the fact that hey, maybe nobody has the right to wield that much power but that doesn't necessarily change the fact that they DO have that much power and inaction IS still a choice in how to wield world-changing power....even if its simply by not wielding that power and thereby being complicit in the perpetuation of a broken status quo.

I DO want to read stories about someone - particularly someone who does have experience being disenfranchised and at the mercy of those with far more social power than him - being like okay, this is where I'm at. This is the reality....things need changing and I am in a position to change things, and maybe I'm not the right person for that job but maybe there is no right person and I'm just trying to avoid responsibility by saying oh this is too much responsibility.

But like. If you're going to write that story, you have to actually WRITE THAT STORY. We have to SEE this journey unfold on the page. And you have to go into that journey knowing that your hero is gonna get shit wrong before he gets stuff right, and the consequences of that HAVE to be major. Because playing with things on this scale IS major. It demands that kind of scrutiny.

And Taylor didn't want to do any of that, and that's why I have no respect for the lip service his stories pay towards showing a better, more progressive tomorrow. He never actually SHOWS anything. He talks about how his characters are going to make that future, has them make a lot of promises about how things will be different, and then goes right back to writing a next issue where literally nothing is different in any tangible, substantive way.

But if you want to actually write about, imagine, envision a better future for your characters to help bring about, you need to actually bring something to the table. An actual vision, an imagining, a step forward that readers can actually follow and be like okay, we're with you so far....

Rather than just throwing a bunch of characters at a buzzword dartboard and expecting readers to do all the work of imagining what the better future these characters are all talking about and promising might actually look like, and how any of them actually get from the Point A that is the status-quo-in-current-comics to the Point B that is your-claims-for-what-the-current-status-quo-in-comics-could-someday-become.

@hood-ex Do you happen to have that post handy where you talked about the differences in Watters' approach to having Dick try and tackle social issues in Bludhaven vs Taylor's more shallow "look I had him create a foundation, it fixed things, I don't intend to explore why or how but trust me, it fixed stuff" approach? I noticed it when I was online briefly a couple weeks ago and I was like "that sounds right but I don't know enough to support it" at the time, but I've caught up and now I feel like I know enough. I would like to support it.

[zukosdualdao]

zuko was literally just trying to capture aang, and aang obviously knows that, but when iroh gets hurt zuko is literally the first one at his side—we don’t even see him move, in fact, the shot transitions from azula’s escape to zuko already kneeling beside him as the gaang turns to them. his back is literally turned on a bunch of people he considers enemies because he’s so upset.

and the gaang all approach to check on iroh, to see what’s happened, obviously stricken. what really gets me is the yes, aggressive, but also almost panicked way he shouts “get away from us!” when he realized they’re approaching. part of that is that enemies of his are seeing him so aggrieved and vulnerable. but it’s also because iroh was just hurt trying to help him, and zuko’s survival instincts are all raised, and these people have no reason to help him, if anything, it’s the opposite, so he can’t treat katara’s offer to help as anything other than a threat.

his literal firesweep at the gaang is so interesting to because it’s obviously a scare/defense/“don’t come any closer” tactic, but he’s not even trying to capture or actually attack them at this point he just needs them to leave. and i think this must be particularly wild for aang to witness because zuko was Just trying to capture him but now isn’t even trying at all, so he must get on some level that zuko genuinely does care about iroh. enough to forego/at least stall on the mission he’s otherwise been Intent on.

[a-chaotically-small-lunta]

You know how you look up to someone and how someone looks up to you? Okay, now make it g/t

Lemme explain via example: Imagine a writer who types all their stories on their computer. Maybe they share them online maybe they are way too nervous to do that, and just keep it a secret hobby. Anyway, one day they leave their desk to do something only to come back and notice that their writing document moved to a different page, and their computer didn’t fall asleep like it usually did. This confuses them but they brush it off, telling themselves that maybe they were faster than normal and maybe accidentally moved the page.

However, it keeps happening. Each day they walk away for a moment or even longer, their computer never falls asleep and is on a completely different page. This starts to freak them out. So, they decide to walk away and then sneak back as quietly as possible. When they peek their head inside, they see a tiny little person at their computer, just staring at the screen. The writer watches as the tiny continues to read their story, and that’s when they realize, they’re reading the writer’s story. They walk in, spooking the tiny. The tiny is in shock, they can’t tell if it’s just fear of being seen or getting the chance to actually talk to the writer whose work they adore, perhaps a mix of both. Maybe the tiny gets overwhelmed and before the writer can ask the classic “What are you” question, the tiny burst into a bunch of questions about the story the writer is writing. The writer taken aback by this, just awkwardly answers them and tries to ask them a question only for the tiny to continue asking questions. Eventually the tiny remembers that “Oh right… I’m not supposed to be seen…” and cautiously asks if the writer is upset with them and whether they will hurt them. The wrier assures them that they are mad and won’t hurt them and are honestly glad that their computer wasn’t hacked or there was a ghost or something. Also, how could the writer ever hurt their biggest��well smallest fan?

Maybe they build a friendship where the tiny helps the writer with ideas and getting over those writing hurdles. Hell, maybe the tiny even was inspired by the writer and tried writing their own story and shares it with the writer. Maybe the writer gains the confidence to share their stories online or even publish their work all because one little person loved their work. Perhaps the tiny, with the help of the writer, shares their own stories while hiding their identity as a tiny from everyone. So many possibilities! Just tiny little fans, forgetting they should probably focus on not being seen and not “What is Character’s favorite thing to do when they are bored?” Like sweetheart probably not the best time, but go for it.

[skitskatdacat63]

I feel weirdly compelled by this

[nombitenary]

you people reblog shit Fast got damn okay i am going to make some sort of beast or perhaps a creature. i have tried doing this before but i think i was too limited by trying to be anthropomorphic. i am becoming a creature in the night. at last. i am free.

[bottombaron]

it honestly surprises me that i don't hear anything about the very real possibility that Nandor could have sired Dracula

[pinacoladamatata]

eating my popcorn watching all this drama go down irt the larian discord server

[howlsmovinglibrary]

It is truly so funny to work myself out of depression in a 2.5 year upwards crawl, reach a point where I actually like and value myself and think I may, in fact, be a treasure-

only for the academic job market to turn to me, lovingly take my face in its hands, and say "...then perish."

[cartoonkitten]

"Welcome to Earth! … Peace!"

"Yes, I know I’m on Earth.."

[bumblingbabooshka]

St Voyager - Ex Post Facto “Maybe I kill myself slowly because I don’t have the courage to do it all at once.”

[rxttenfish]

one of the things that particularly pisses me off about art discussions, either in how nowadays everything has to aim for more and more realism in art styles and even live action to be seen as "real art", and in dismissing more abstract styles of artwork as not "real art" and having no inherent worth, is that they explicitly do not consider realism an art style either. to them, realism is just a given of "good" art, not chosen but rather just default. which i hate, because you CAN pick realism as an intentional style and a purposeful choice to suit a narrative, and all this results in is no one noticing or understanding why you made that choice or why that choice works better than any other possible choice to tell the story you want to tell.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

also it's something (better) like, the exercise of deliberately [art imitates life imitates art] holding up Billions to My IRL Things Perspective and going like whaaat would i want for winston. first answer is you want any character to not have been within the scope of the show in the first place, and to exit it since they are. and you kind of get that in the accidental reward in banishing winston, since like in the end it's just that the show doesn't care about him existing at that point But like it's winston sitting there quietly as everyone leaves & turns out the lights & Then he can leave too; others have peaced out & nobody remembers he exists so Now he can go off & do whatever.

but like in true form i think they definitely accidentally baked in another divine reward for winston in that, like, the way he's kept around as fodder for these fun little [pov: enjoy abusing this guy] asides with him, where it Just So Happens that he's autistic as something they're unaware of but is completely relevant to the expectation we understand him to be inferior(tm), it Just So Happens that he's also ""bad"" at not ""causing"" abuse to be turned on him. he's ""bad"" at staying in line. like well yes Yes that's what i want for him. just like In Real Life it's like yeah Ideally i'd want people to be able to extricate themselves from where they're trapped in power structures & i'd want them to have the perspective about it of understanding they're not Inferior / i.e. they are as much a person as anyone else and they're not corrupting everything good / i.e. it wasn't them Bringing It Upon Themselves and it's not them being Destructive by toppling a jenga tower of a hierarchy that happened to be pressing down on them. and winston is the kind of [the ruinerrrrrr] who is Turned On exactly because he keeps acting like someone who's on the verge of breaking out of the [being in line] someone demands of him as autist, employee, whatever other supposed manifestations of [inferior]

like in the 5 second stretches in which winston's allowed to speak before retaliation, it's because he's like "matter of factly" delivering whatever Information that's useful for another plotline. then he Brings It Upon Himself by making people aware that he's Also existing in his own right as a person rather than what they think serves their own deal / what they want from him at all times, perhaps by expressing his personality (didn't appeal to them! so it was Wrong) or not b/c of anything in particular said or done at present, just b/c people have a constant / accumulating contempt for him so their being in the same room as him & able to see & hear him is already dangerous. the [we're just seeing Any Abusive Dynamic in action] continuing apace.

and it's like, well, right there. he's written as acting like someone who doesn't blame himself for how he's treated, which billions frames as being Rude & Mean, and so too does everyone's abusers lmfao like and that these are his moments that are written to be Bringing It Upon Himself. and it's like hell yeah he doesn't blame himself. hell yeah that his self-esteem can manifest as anger at all. hell yeah that he keeps expressing himself with personality & confidence & doesn't even disguise his having been hurt, & it's this [his ass is Not grey rocking] that billions frames as both him "causing" his abuse & making that abuse "successful" lol, wrow just like real life!! and when like speaking of real life yeah it's not "bad" that people Do engage in strategies to mitigate & survive, including things like blaming themselves or being too "boring" to be anything but a non dialogued background character b/c that's all that goes unpunished, it's bad b/c it's done to them at all, not [ohh they're doing it to themselvesss] and like i'm asking myself like Ideally. what do i want Ideally. and i'd want winston to know that it's being Done To Him & i'd want him to find as much room for his personhood & autonomy as possible. and that's basically how he's written anyways, and billions hates that like You See this is why he deserves it this is why he's doing it to himself. and i'm like my god if that's not Inspiration for like "so what if people don't find you Personally Likable" and not preemptively holding back all personality or anything that'd draw attention as if you exist as a person in your own right & not something that only either gets in the way of or serves their wants of a Real person (someone with more power) like hell yeah you have him out here doing it =']

another fun addendum is like, billions isn't getting into it much b/c it doesn't seem to care much about "what if some people were peers & seem to have a genuine, recipcrocal relationship?" but that it just so happened to be like "oh tuk as the next closest loser who deserves it might be nice to winston" while it's framing winston as the "worse" Loser as being....unconditionally supportive of tuk. while the one downside of billions Also giving bentuk as much as it is is that it also inevitably has that shadow of "but ben is Superior to tuk" and like that it's correct that everyone encourages tuk to Stop Bringing It Upon Himself and start being less of a loser; it's wrong for winston to be like hey let's go have a foursome. like yeah probably don't make a list of the women you work with you'd be dtf but it's not like i'm convinced "ah billions and it's strong anti misogyny stance like" roflmao and billions is Not reflecting on "the downsides of unconditional support?" there when winston was beaten up for criticising taylor earlier like we WILL take his ideas while looting his [beaten unconscious] body there but he WAS wrong to express them as though he's BETTER than taylor!!! mafee's beautiful show of loyalty in kicking his ass even when he might agree with the argument and then benefit when it's adopted by taylor anyways! so it's as usual actually purely based on hierarchy & who gets to be in charge of people. it's correct for ben to be in charge of tuk, unless he has to step aside for that bizarre dead-end subplot about how it's tuk's fault if he's treated badly, b/c it's really his own Failure to have Confidence to know he has good ideas [raising our voice to deliver this message over the sound of breaking desks and chairs and computer monitors over winston because he had the confidence to act like he deserved to talk to someone and because he knows his ideas efforts & results are good & valuable around there] like. and isn't it sooo fucked up to talk about who you're dtf in the episode that has it be neutral if your boss is dtf & lets you know but is nice about it (and you're already Correctly tending to their ego, which you're responsible for!) like hey no possible problem! it's not even so much of a problem for a boss man to have the sex they're entitled to & be rude about their leveraging their power in that acquisition that it Stays a problem into the next season. ew, winston is Known (Inferred) Dtf??? we'll use it to exploit His vulnerability, exacerbate it, & punish him further for good measure in another episode that just revels in abuse & violation with a sexual aspect once again, but like, hey tuk don't do that, winston's such a Bad Influence for being like, shrug, kneejerk intervening with the Good Friendship where the One In Charge leaps in & Tells tuk the Correct thing to do. obviously there's also the tragedy that billions will Never let winston push back against Real Winners like rian or taylor in A Way That Matters (actually gets in their way at all) lol like. one thing that would have really been fun, winston should've literal kneejerk started physically fighting wags in either pertinent scene in 7x03 for real 110%. i wouldn't be like Gasp Violence Is Never The Answer if he just hit someone to hit them b/c fuck you. or broke anything on his way out etc etc. billions would Never let him. which is the other side of the same coin of [why he should get to]

tl;dr how great that winston's being "out of line" means he's basically always noticeably flouting & rebelling against the [He Deserves Abuse] agenda lol. that IS what i want. his being "beyond hope" like ohhh he's sooo stupid he doesn't realize how much he has the bad tastes & wrong interests & annoying personality He Will Always Be This Way like hell yeah!!! billions like oh no winston's personhood will never stay tamped down & locked away such that some godawful person tolerates keeping him in their inventory :( ohhh the ABA will never work :( that's right!!!!!!!!!! although they're not sad about it because it's about relishing the promise there will always be True Inferiors you can enjoy abusing with your righteous power over, but like well you wrote him escaping anyways even while dragging other "better" characters into standing around to serve axe's need for more than 1.8 employees and [crickets, reverberating cough, sneaker scuff] like. another ""wrong"" thing for winston to do, another thing for him to not "deserve," which is itself godawful actually lol like lord what it "rewards" its Good, Deserving characters with, no thanks. meanwhile winston's punishment is that he's autistic and """bad""" at being abused like lmfao good for him, fantastic for him, just what i want

[leafofkudzu]

What does your commander canon timeline look like? Is it all the same commander (or co-commanders), or is there a point at which they pass the torch?

Teekzi is and has been my canon Commander all the way through! The only other character to officially have the title is Rhenwyr, though she's more of an AU version exclusively for use during streamed story replays and hasn't seen much play time recently.

Unofficially though....I never get to talk about the crazy laps I run all my other characters through to involve them in different parts of the story without bumping them into The Commander™, so let's do that.

Roughly speaking, where it makes sense to do so I have every choice from chapters 1-3 of the personal story playing out at once, just by different characters. Looking back, someone was doing each path, just not necessarily the one who would go on to become The Commander. As characters split off the canon into their own stories, the pool of potential Commanders dwindles until there's just Teekzi left by the time The Battle of Claw Island wraps up. If a character then dips their toes back into the main story, the universe (aka me) conspires to make it so they never directly encounter The Commander™, allowing anyone to theoretically insert their own Commander should they read any of my (nonexistent) fics about it.

It does mean Teekzi is my loneliest character since everyone else gets to freely interact with each other, but nobody else gets to interact with the main cast of NPCs, so it's not all bad I suppose. :3

[neverendingford]

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