#these things take a lot of time and motivation to write

[hannamoon143]

You drew stars around my scars ✮⋆˙

Life is hard. Some people don't know how to cope with that. Some people just try to feel mentally better by causing physical pain instead. How ironical, isn't it? Oh but bless you, that lee felix is in your life. Because this man never misses a thing.⋆｡°✩

Genre:Angst,Hurt/comfort

Warnings:Sh,a bit childhood trauma, Depression, Crying, mentions of food,mentions of bad eating habits

Lee felix x fem.Reader

Words: 3,9k

a/n: hey everyone<33 To write this fic brought me some comfort too, and it's healing me a bit more everytime i can use my own experiences,emotions and thoughts to write something that comforts others too, and relate to y/n a lot. And i know i'm not the only one, so i hope this can bring everyone that reads it a bit comfort. And pls always remember what of a beautiful person you are. Hurting yourself is never ever the only solution. If you need someone to talk, reach out to someone, anyone, also me if you don't have anyone. I'd rather have literally any person cry for hours in my arms, or vent to me in my dm's than have them hurt their own bodies, that always supports them. Everything felix says in that fic is true, and they r my own thoughts about this. I love you all, take care of yourselves.<3

Depression takes a lot from you. It takes your motivation, productivity, the will to socialize, and your happiness. It’s unfair isn’t it? Little, happy children become tired, broken adults.

People always think depression is something where you sit in your bed the whole day and cry. Well that is half true. Yes, there are days like that, but that’s far not everything. The worst are those dull days, when you feel entirely numb, but your life has to go on anyways. No joy in your heart, and no tears in your eyes. Just a big nothing in your mind.

After a while you figure it out though. It’s always those numb episodes, until every emotion you thought didn’t exist the days before, crashes down on you. And it’s overwhelming. Every.single.time.

But what if you’d find something that could ‚help‘ you? Something that brought you pain and relief at the same time? That made you feel alive, in the numb episodes and distracted you from the pain in the days where you broke down? The price was just your beautiful skin, and blood...

A problem was though, once you’d start, it would be very hard to stop again. But why should you anyways? Why should you stop when it was the only thing seemingly bringing you comfort for some short time?

It started off by you, picking at your skin absimendtly whenever you felt anxious, or when you just didn’t pay attention. It felt relieving. It was the burning pain when you scatched on your skin so hard it was slightly bloody, making you feel like your feelings actually mattered. And then that one night. That night everything crashed down on you. Your friends wanted nothing to do with you anymore, the few you had before, cut contact. You couldn’t even be mad at them. Who wouldn’t be annoyed by someone who constantly cancelled plans, and gave off a „depressing, annoying attitude“? Well these were their words. Oh but you saw it coming. All the overthinking in the middle of the night, those worst case scenarios, they had come true.

And your family? You never had a healthy relationship with them. So now, that you were grown up, the contact was almost entirely dead. And yeah, there was your boyfriend felix, but you’d never burden him with your problems. He already had enough on his mind with the world tour and all the new released albums, of the band he was in.

And that was it. No one there that you could reach out to, no one to comfort you, when your heart and mind were breaking into millions of glass splitters. Every person reaches their breaking point someday. And that day was yours. You remembered the night clearly. You were sitting on the bathroom floor, crying out all the emotion you had been holding in for too long. You had no friends anymore. No family. And pretty sure soon no boyfriend too. Nothing to hold onto.

Then you reached out to a drawer. You didn’t really register what you were doing as you took it out. A simple, silver blade. A little cut on your wrist. A line of crimson red blood on your skin.

At first you were terrified. What had you done? Why weren’t you affected by the stinging pain on your wrist, and the blood building in the small cut? Why did it in fact feel good? And then you decided to try it again, just to answer those questions right?

That’s where it started.

You knew you had depression. But going to a therapist? You were scared, probably too lazy, and you could never tell all your problems to a complete stranger. And most of all you didn’t want felix to worry either. He was the only one left, and soon he would surely leave too. He was the sweetest, sunny person on this earth, he deserved someone that matched his energy, and wasn’t so… hard to love.

Every single task felt like a hard, impossible chore. Getting out of your bed felt like doing the unbelievable. Doing the most simple things like showering, or brushing your teeth seemed so far away, that you could only master them on your best days. Some days, you went to work, did everything you had to, with a straight, stoic face. That was until you came home, laid into your bed, and silent tears would build wet spots on your pillow.

But somedays, even crying seemed too overwhelming. All you could do was lay in your dark room, staring at the wall. It was just the darkness and you, and somewhere in your mind, a voice whispering that it would help to cut...

And then there were these rare days, on which you felt almost too overwhelmed. It were those days you came home, and added another scar to the gallery of them on your arms. You questioned your life on these days. Because truly, you didn’t see a reason why you should be here right now. No, you weren’t proud of it. But who was there to stop you? Why should you quit if it was the only thing keeping you sane right now? When it was only the stinging pain who could make you slip out of the monotone haze in your mind, for at least a little bit time.

But it would be stupid to assume felix didn’t notice something was off. Lee felix was a pure person. Someone who could make even the rainiest days shine bright. And he cared about the people he loved more than anything else.

When you started cancelling plans it was already alarming for him. You were someone who never cancelled plans with him. You were usually a happy person, someone who made jokes that were actually funny. Someone who made him laugh with your little quirks, that he noticed over time. Someone who comforted him when he felt bad. And most of all you were the most excited person when you two would meet up. You never missed to tell him how much you loved him, that he was your happy person, and your comfort person.

That was before

Before suddenly everything stopped. He rarely got to see your beautiful face now anymore. You took a long time to respond to his texts, and when you did, they were short, and dry. This didn’t feel like you. Felix knew you. And that wasn’t you. This wasn’t the happy girl he met. And he surely wasn’t planning on letting things go like this forever. Something wasn’t right. And no matter what you said or did, to try and get away from him, and shut everything out, he would stay by your side. He would find out what was wrong and do everything possible in this world to make you feel like yourself again.

It was another day today. Another number on the calendar. You stopped looking at it. It didn’t matter anyways. Those were just numbers on paper, and they would never change anything. So you dragged yourself out of bed, feeling even heavier than usual. Like a zombie you just quickly got dressed, not even registering what you were wearing, and drank a mug of coffee. It would make you feel a bit more awake for at least a few hours. Eating breakfast had become impossible in the last few weeks. You were barely eating anything the whole day, to be honest. Sometimes, you just couldn’t stand up and make yourself something. But most times, you just didn’t feel hungry.

You went your usual way to work. At the bus, you took a short glance at your phone. You used to be on your phone a lot for the silliest things, but now you hated it. You hated the brightness, and that everytime you looked at it you had to interact with others. And the worst was, it remdinded you of what you had lost. The spark you had in your eyes on photos from a long time ago.

Something popped up on the screen

A message from felix. Of course. He messaged you every single day. You couldn’t ignore him, no matter how shitty felt, you couldn’t bring yourself to ignore him. So you opened it.

Hey sunshine<3How are you today? I thought of maybe grabbing some takeout and watching a movie together tonight, since i have off early! I’ll even let you pick one of those cheesy romcoms you love so much. Love u^^

You sighed. He was still so sweet, so caring, when he should be really annoyed, right? His girlfriend was a walking zombie, why didn’t he already break up with you?

Hey lix, sorry no time today.

Then you quickly put your phone away. You couldn’t stand thinking of his lips turning into that sad pout, when he’d read your answer. But you couldn’t meet him. You didn’t care how stubborn that was, but you wouldn’t let him see you like this. He would see right through you, and get you to tell him what was wrong.

You stopped making excuses someday. Who even cared? Sooner or later he’d leave, just like your friends. No lame excuses would matter then. Someone like you was unlovable. And that would never change.

As felix read your response he sighed.

That was enough. He wouldn’t let your relationship carry on like that. He wouldn’t let you carry on like that. Something was clearly wrong and he wouldn’t stand so far away and watch you slowly shut down from the entire world. Not anymore. Tonight he would come to your apartment, if you wanted to or not.

You didn’t remember what you did throughout the day. When you tried to recall it, there were only hazy memories, covered in a grey, thick fog. You didn’t even remember how you came home. Everything just happened. Now, you were walking through your apartment door, kicking off your shoes and coat. With a deep sigh, you dragged yourself to the bathroom. You shut the door, immediately sinking down on the floor. You were exhausted. More than that. The past days, or maybe even weeks you had held everything in more than usual. You felt like passing out right then and there, on the cold bathroom tiles. But there was something else. You knew that feeling. When you would have spent too many days in numbness, then at one point, every emotion, everything you thought wasn’t there before, creeps up in your throat from the depths of your soul. You feel the grieve, the sadness, the anger, the guilt, every single emotion crashing down on you at once. And then you can’t stop it anymore.

Tears started to well up in your eyes, and you pulled your knees up for a bit comfort.

These were the moment you hated the most, besides the numbness. Being numb is uneblievably tiring, but when all the feelings, everything comes up at once, that is even worse. You never knew how to deal with your emotions well. When you were a kid you never got the chance to express emotions. Crying was not allowed. If you did, you’d hear „ Stop it, or i’ll give you a reason to cry.“ If you screamed or hit out of anger you’d get punished in some way. Only a polite smile was, what was allowed to show on the outside, what to show to other people. That was probably part of the reason why you’d grown into a person who had these unhealthy, shitty habits, instead of expressing and coping with their emotions well.

You knew you should just let it pass. Endure these feelings. Maybe text someone to try and distract yourself. But somehow, you always went back to drowning out emotions with physical pain. You took the sharp blade from the bathroom drawer, your hands going unbelievable shaky like they always did when you took it out. You only started to cry more. You hated that you did it. You hated that you were a person that couldn’t handle their own feelings like a responsible adult, and had to shut them out with self harming instead. And still you did it again and again. You hated the way your arm looked when you put your sleeve up now. White lines from old cvts. Slightly reddish ones from some that happened some time ago. And those brightred ones. Reminders of not too long ago. They made you so angry. Reminding you of who you were. Of what you were.

So you decided to look away. You just put the blade to your wrist, looking at the blank bathroom wall. It was already so familiar, you knew where it would hurt the most without even looking.

Felix was searching around his apartment for that gray hoodie you wanted to have everytime you saw him wearing it. Maybe it would cheer you a bit up. As he finally found it, he grabbed the brownies he had made for you earlier, and his keys, heading out his apartment, to head to yours instead.

He started his car. It was a short drive so there was not much time for thinking. But there were some thoughts in the back of his head. Wasn’t he overstepping? You clearly didn’t want to see him, maybe you were also just annoyed?

But felix shook those voices off. He knew you. He had known you for years, and this wasn’t you. He had to do this.

And then he was already at your apartment. Slowly he got out of the car, taking the things, and started to walk up the stairs.

Soon he was in front of your door. Should he knock? He knew where your spare key was but he didn’t want to be respectless. So he softly knocked on the door.

„Y/n? It’s me, felix. I know you didn’t want to meet, but… i was worried. Can we talk please, my love?“

He waited for a minute. But there was no answer. Maybe you really weren’t at home? He decided to just try it. To his surprises the door was unlocked. That meant you were home, but also why would you let your door stay unlocked? He sighed, and locked it from the inside. He quietly took off his shoes, and put them on the side. Yours were scattered messily on the floor, and your coat too. Usually you hated when something in your apartment wasn’t organized. Maybe you were in a hurry before. He went into the kitchen, wich was dark, putting the brownies on the counter. „Y/n?“ he softly called out again. Still no answer.

But there, suddenly he heard something. A quiet, mumbling or...crying? His brows furrowed and he tried to follow the sound. There. In the bathroom. It seemed like you didn’t hear him calling you. At first he considered just going back to your kitchen and waiting there for you to come out, but when he heard another deep sob from you, he knew what to do. Whatever was going on right now, he wanted to be by your side. So he took a deep breath and opened the door.

„Y/N, what is g-“ His eyes widened in shock, and your head perked up immediately at the door clicking open, your gaze changing from surprise, to confusion, to somewhat realization and guilt. The sight in front of him horrified him. His beautiful, lovely girlfriend sat on the bathroom floor, her face red and puffy from crying, and a sharp blade in her hand. And your arm… How couldn’t he notice? He just stood there, in the door, staring at you.

You couldn’t read his face. Was he mad…? Of course he’d be mad. You quickly reacted as you got to your senses again. You jumped up, letting the blade fall, and a drop of blood dropping down on your white bathroom tiles.

„Felix…. I can explain, i h-haven’t, it’s not what it looks like o-okay? I’m okay, p-please i know you’re mad but-“

You got cut off. You couldnt’t even say anything more, because suddenly you were wrapped up tightly in your boyfriend’s comforting, warm embrace. You forgot how good a hug from him felt… And when you got a little glance at his face that was it. No anger, no twisted kind of any emotion against you. There was pure sympathy and love. When you also saw a tear rolling down his face, you couldn’t take it anymore. You buried your face in his neck, and let go. You sobbed uncontrollably, your arms and legs trembling so much, to the point your knees gave in, and felix slowly sank to the ground with you. Why did the cvts on your arms suddenly really hurt for the first time? He had you pulled on his lap, rocking you back and forth, stroking your hair gently. „Shhh, it’ll be alright. I’m here now, you are not alone.“

Good thirty minutes later, your sobbing had stopped, and only warm paths of tears remained on your cheeks. Felix lifted your head from his neck a bit, so he could look into your eyes. Though you had just cried your heart out, it was still the most mesmerizing pair of eyes he had seen in his life. He gently tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

„Let me treat those, okay?“ He simply said, glancing at your cuts.

He was gentle. He desinfected every single cut, apologizing every time you hissed at the sharp pain. Then he put some healing ointment on your fresh ones, and some at your older ones too. Then, with gentle, calm hands he bandaged your arms. He ended his treament with featherlight kisses on them. Then he got up, helping you up too. He had his hands on your side, his eyes on your face.

„Love…I won’t ever judge you, or get mad at you for anything, i hope you know that okay? I know that this is probably your way to cope with things, and i know that you know it’s not healthy. But it’s okay. Please just promise me, you will come to me instead of doing that, from now on hm? Everytime you want to do it you call me, text me, whatever. I’d rather have you crying in my arms for hours, venting to me for hours, you screaming at me, or do whatever you need to, than have you hurt and bleeding entirely alone on the floor. I’ll come over, and do whatever i need to, to cheer you up alright? And don’t shut me out from your life. I want to be a part again. I miss the way you’d text me when you see something that makes you smile. Or when you send me pics of the cute cats you saw on the sidewalk. Or when you just simply tell me about your day. And most important of all, i’ll stay by your side okay? No matter what. I will do everything to help you recover, and build up your life in a way that makes you happy okay? Let me help you sunshine. You don’t need to do it all alone.No matter how hard it in the past was, I’m here now, and I don’t plan on leaving soon.“

Tears welled up in your eyes again, but this time you smiled at him. „Okay lixie. Okay. I’ll try.“

Then he softly smiled at you, and guided you to your livingroom, where he made you sit on the couch. He rushed off to the kitchen, and was soon back again with a plate of brownies and his gray hoodie. „It seems like you didn’t eat much lately, you’ve been getting a bit too skinny, love. But don’t worry, now i’m here to feed you with everything you want to eat. You don’t need to move a single finger.“ He mumbled, as he first handed you the hoodie, wich you put on immediately and snuggled into it. It had always been your comfort hoodie, since it was big, fluffy, and always smelled like him a lot. Then he put down the plate in front of you. Felix’ brownies had always been one of your favorite things. They were delicious like no one else’s.Everytime you asked him what he was throwing in there, he always told you that it was his love and care wich he made them with. You believed him, this man made everything better with his sunny personality.

You simply smiled at him, and took one of the brownies, taking a big bite

„That’s my girl.“ He chuckled, ruffling your hair. As you were munching, and he was watching you with a fond smile, he suddenly asked „Do you have a marker somewhere here?“ You looked up, raising a brow. „Yeah, in the drawer over there i guess, why?“ He just stood up, and opened said drawer, taking the marker. He was back by your side in an instant. „Please give me one arm love“ He said, politely like always. You were still pretty confused but how could you say no to that? So you slowly laid your bandaged arm in his hands. He kissed it once and then softly started to draw on it. „What are you doing?“ you asked, mouth full of brownie.

„Those my love, are battle scars. It isn’t beautiful how you got them, but they are a part of you now, and they make you the person you are. They deserve to be called beautiful now too, like every single body part of yours. I love every part of you. And when they are healed, I’ll kiss each and everyone of them, but for now, they deserve to be treated with care. They will only heal properly, if you let them. If you’d always be angry when you’d look at them, they would never really heal. You would never really heal. You need to forgive yourself, and someday you will be able to move on. They show how far you’ve come, that it was very hard, but you never gave up. Battle scars, my love.“

You looked into his eyes. He said all that so sincere, you believed every word. And then as he was done you saw what he did. A lot of little stars, and a pretty moon in the middle were drawn on the bandages. And next to the moon he wrote a little note

„Because i want you to never forget who you are. You are Y/n L/n, a fighter, and the most beautiful woman i know.“

„How did i deserve you lee felix?“ You murmured in awe.

„You deserve the world, and more my love.“

And that really was a turning point. Thanks to felix, your days weren’t dull anymore. He was always there with you, laughing and talking a lot, but he also respected when you wanted some alone time. And when you came to him somedays, crying and telling him that you wanted to do it again, he took you in his arms, wrapped you both into a blanket and rocked you back and forth, until no tears were left anymore, and the world seemed a bit brighter again. Then he mumbled soothing reassurances into your hair, kissing you on the forehead.

And like this, you were willing to try. You were willing to try and recover, and create a life that you loved living, with him in it.

a/n: now a note to: @athenawindwolf because I didn't have the courage to say it that night ( we ignore that i'm writing this while you are texting me,still in that night), i'll be your chan friend, and in the context of this fanfic your felix friend, whenever you need me. I hope yk, I never judge anyone, and i've been through a lot too so rlly i would never ever judge or tell anyone if you tell me smth. We said we r the big sisters of our friends now, so that means we r sisters right? Come to me whenever you need to talk. Now this was for u, and I also have to say i'm thankful someone is sharing one of my interests now<3 Ily di angelo.@athenawindwolf (and i hope i didn't make you cry with this fic)

[signanothername]

I– I need to ask.

HOW DO YOU DO THIS?? Like, share your thoughts with everyone. Because I've been working on my universe for about three years now, AND I STILL FEEL LIKE IT'S NOT READY. At the same time, I’m still afraid to share these things...

So. How do you do it?D:

Alright my answer will seem a bit harsh and/or cruel, but know that I mean it in the most kind, genuine, and gentle way possible, i just don’t know how to word it any other way

With that in mind

Anon, you’re never going to be ready to share it, and the fear will always linger, you will never be 100% confident of what you share

And that’s ok

Again, I know that i make it seem super easy, but I promise that I’m just as afraid to share my ideas as anyone else (I’m a perfectionist, and that also contributes to my fear to share things)

It’s just, I think of it this way

I have an idea, and I got two choices

Either

1- I keep overthinking it, and succumb to my worries and fears when it comes to my idea, and keep my ideas with me, never to see the light of day

Or

2- I acknowledge that I’m afraid, acknowledge that my idea might not be perfect or ready, acknowledge that there might be flaws that I will probably notice later and even feel stupid about it, and still share my ideas anyway regardless of the voice in my head telling me to “wait a little more”

I usually go for choice number 2

The art and writing process is complicated, it’s so not easy to write something and feel ready to share it, no matter how much time it takes, you will never ever feel truly and utterly ready to share it, you’ll have that worry in your mind that maybe it’s stupid, or incomplete, or inconsistent or whatever else

And guess what? Sometimes, the worried voice in your head is completely right

But what matters is how you tackle it

Even if you share an idea, remember that you can always change your mind about it, you can absolutely go back and say, I don’t like that idea anymore and so I’ll remove/ change/ replace it

Ideas are never set in stone, you change and grow as a person as so do your ideas, they grow and change with you as you learn more and more, and sometimes they don’t, they don’t change at all, and that’s ok too

You can’t keep worrying about whether the story or idea you’re working on is ready or complete, because all you’re going to do is just walk around in circles and end up never sharing anything at all

It’s ok to be worried, but you can’t let your worries control you, of course, it’s not easy to ignore your worries, but it’s better than feeling stuck with your ideas

I myself do deal with these worries a lot, most of the time i just tell my brain “shut up” and share my ideas anyway, other times my worries do get the best of me and i tend to keep some ideas to myself

But sharing your ideas is actually essential for you to actually be able to work on them and refine them, because people might start asking questions or giving really good feedback that you actually sit with yourself to think about

But what if they ask you a question and you don’t know the answer to it? That’s actually a good thing, it’ll make you sit down and think of how to connect the dots and answer it, not only does it mean you’re actually making progress on your story/ideas, but these kinda questions help you understand different perspectives and by that, you learn and grow in your writing

It’s ok to be worried and to keep ideas to yourself sometimes, but don’t let them fester, because believe me, eventually your passion is gonna burn out because you kept overthinking it to the point it became just a worry than something you enjoy doing

In fact, to give you a bit of motivation, imma actually share one of the ideas I never shared cause I was afraid it’ll be a bit stupid and out of character

And I’m very worried about sharing it, but fuck my worry I do what I want

Remember when I mentioned Dream received one gift from Nightmare, and never received anything after? My idea for that gift was an echo flower he gave Dream, and it echoes one thing “I love you”

There, I shared it ouuughh the stress of sharing it is killing me actually, but I mean I can keep worrying about it forever, or actually share it and refine it later if I wanted, I choose the latter

And your ideas are never going to be perfect anyway, but you can improve them with time, even after sharing them

That’s all I do really shzggz

So go out there and start sharing anon, fuck anxiety, you can do whatever you want, you’re unstoppable

[tetsuswaifu]

Happy Birthday Rinnie

Suna celebrates his birthday reluctantly with his friends and you, but the night ends with heartfelt confessions and an unspoken shift in your relationship.

word count: 2230

a/n: rinnies bday was the perfect motivation to get back into writing, i have a lot of stuff in the works plus a masterlist that'll be coming up soon, hope you enjoy :) i posted this a day late by accident, oh well 🫶🏼

likes, reblogs, and replies are always appreciated, thank you for taking the time to read my work :)

Suna didn’t want a big celebration. Birthdays, in his opinion, were just another day. But you and his friends thought otherwise, insisting on taking him out for his special day. The venue—a karaoke room—was the last place he expected to be celebrating. You and the boys had promised it would be a 'chill night,' filled with drinks and the usual good vibes, just like any other hangout. Yet here he was, slouched in a booth, arms crossed, and wearing an unimpressed expression as Atsumu butchered yet another song.

At least you had been thoughtful enough to kick things off earlier with a quieter gesture—showing up at his place earlier in the day with a bag of his favorite candy, chupets, and a birthday card with a cute note written inside.

"You didn't have to," he said as he took the bag, glancing down at the card in your handwriting.

"I know," you'd replied with a shrug, your tone casual but warm. "But it's your birthday. I figured someone should spoil you a little," a soft smile on your face as you made eye contact.

"Thank you." he gave you a small nod and tucked the bag into his hoodie pocket—but you caught the faintest hint of a smile as he read the card.

Now, as Atsumu's voice cracked in the worst way possible, Suna popped one of the chupets into his mouth, enjoying the fruity flavor. He didn't even try to hide his smirk as the rest of the table burst into laughter at Atusmu's expense.

"Are you tone-deaf, or are you doing this on purpose?" Suna deadpanned, taking a sip of his drink.

"Oi, I sound fantastic!" Atsumu barked back, gripping the mic like his life depended on it. "Y/N's probably swoonin' right now!"

You snorted in response, unable to hold back your laughter. "If by 'swooning' you mean trying not to cry from secondhand embarrassment, then yeah, sure."

Osamu nearly spat out his drink, doubling over with laughter, while Suna let out a quiet chuckle beside you. "Sounds about right," Suna muttered in agreement, smirking.

"I will give it to you, you at least have some what of a stage presence," you teased Atsumu.

Suna tilted his head slightly toward you, "Stage presence doesn't save him from being terrible, though."

You chuckled, nudging his arm. "You're one to talk, Mr. 'I'll Just Sit in the Corner and Judge Everyone'. When's your turn?"

He didn't reply right away. Instead, he casually pulled out his phone and aimed it at Atsumu, who was currently belting out a high note so off-key that even the karaoke machine seemed to struggle keeping up.

"What are you doing?" you asked, leaning closer to peek at his screen.

"Documenting this," he said flatly, his thumb tapping the screen to record. "For posterity. Or blackmail."

You burst out laughing, trying to keep quiet so Atsumu wouldn't notice. "He's gonna kill you when he finds out." You paused, "Also, send me that, would you?"

"He won't, and you bet," he replied, completely unfazed. "I've got a whole folder of these. He's never caught on."

Your laughter only grew, and you had to stifle it with your hand. Meanwhile, Atsumu threw his whole body into the final note, eyes closed like he was performing for an audience of thousands.

"Perfect," Suna muttered under his breath as he ended the recording, tucking his phone back into his pocket with the faintest smirk of satisfaction.

Suna raised an eyebrow at your previous comment, his tone dripping with mock disbelief. "Also, do you really think I'm gonna get up there and make a fool of myself? On my birthday?" holding his hand up to his chest with slight sass. "Yeah, no thanks."

"Who said you had to be good?" you said with a grin. "Just sing something. It's your birthday, Suna. Live a little." you softly nudged his arm again.

Before he could respond, Atsumu's voice cracked in the worst way possible, all of you erupting in laughter. Even Suna couldn't hold back the chuckle that escaped him.

"Okay, okay, that's enough of you," Osamu said, pulling the mic out of his twin's hands. "I'll save the night. Lemme show you how it's done."

"Good luck followin' that act of brilliance," Atsumu slurred, flopping into the seat beside you.

Osamu rolled his eyes as he chose a vocally demanding song. His smooth, steady voice filling the room as the group quieted to listen. You leaned closer to Suna, your shoulder brushing his. "See? Not so bad when someone who can actually sing is up there," you whispered.

Suna hummed in agreement, glancing at you out of the corner of his eye. "You're next," he said suddenly.

Your eyes widened. "Wait, what? No, I—"

"Yup. It's settled," Suna said, cutting you off as he leaned back in his seat. "You made me come here. Least you can do is sing something. Fair trade."

"But I wasn't the one complaining," you protested, your voice hushed as Osamu continued his song.

Suna's lips curved back into a smirk, his tone teasing. "You don't wanna leave me hanging on my birthday, do you?" He challenged you with his eye contact.

You groaned, burying your face in your hands. "I hate you."

"No, you don't," he said, clearly enjoying himself.

When Osamu's song ended, you all clapped, and Atsumu immediately began scrolling through the song list for his next pick. Before he could choose, Suna casually pointed at you.

"Your turn," he announced, his voice calm but loud of enough to catch the twins attention.

They turned to you, and you shot Suna a glare. He looked completely unbothered, a lazy grin on his face as he leaned on the table.

"Do it!" Atsumu cheered, slapping the table. "C'mon Y/N, let's hear that beautiful voice!"

"Don't worry, it's just us, Y/N," Osamu said, far less obnoxious but still encouraging.

With no escape from this scenario, you sighed dramatically and grabbed the mic. "Fine, but if I'm embarrassing myself, I'm blaming you," jutting your chin in Suna's direction.

"You'll be great," he said, his smirk softening into something almost fond.

You scrolled through the long song list, your nerves easing a bit when you found one you liked. As the music started, you took a deep breath, trying to ignore the way Suna's eyes stayed on you.

The guy's cheered you on as you sang, Atsumu waving his arms like you were performing in an arena. Even Suna, who usually masked his emotions, looked quietly impressed, his lips twitching into a smile when you hit the chorus. When you finished, they erupted into applause and yells of praise. You put the mic back in the stand and returned to your seat with a flushed face.

"See?" Suna said as you sat back down, slightly breathless from your performance. "Not bad."

"Not bad?" Atsumu repeated, still waving his arms around. "That was amazing! Ya totally showed me up!"

"Not a hard thing to do," Osamu deadpanned, but his tone was warm as he gave you an approving nod. "Good job. Saved the night after 'Tsumu nearly burst everyone's eardrums."

"Hey!" Atsumu shot back, attempting to glare at his twin but slumping further into his seat, his head lolling against the backrest.

You stifled a laugh, leaning closer to Suna. "I think he's officially tapped out for the night," you murmured.

Suna glanced at Atsumu, then Osamu, his expressiuon unreadable but his eyes sharp. "Yeah, he can barely keep his head up. Let's wrap it up before someone has to carry him out."

"Yeah, you read my mind, pal," Osamu was already standing to gather their things. "C'mon, 'Tsumu. Time to go."

"Guy's, I'm fine!" Atsumu protested, throwing an arm around his brothers shoulders. "Let's do another round!"

"Yeah, no." Osamu replied flatly, struggling to hold his twin upright with a grunt. "Y/N, thanks for tonight. Suna, happy birthday and make sure you get home in one piece, yeah?"

"Always do," Suna said with a shrug, standing and stuffing his hands into his pockets.

"Thanks for coming, guys," you said, waving at the twins as they stumbled toward the door together. Osamu shot you a grateful look, while Atsumu was too busy humming a tune to notice much of anything.

When the door closed behind them, the karaoke room felt quieter, more intimate. Suna was leaning against the wall now, his eyes fixed on you.

"So," you said, grabbing your belongings. "Guess it's just us now."

"Guess so," he replied, pushing his shoulders off the wall and falling into step beside you as you walked out of the bar. The night air was cooler than you expected, making you wrap your jacket tighter around yourself.

The two of you walked in companionable silence for a while, the muffled sounds of the city filling the gaps between your words. You could feel his presence beside you—calm, steady, but something in his silence felt... different tonight.

"You know," you said breaking the quiet, "I didn't think you'd actually enjoy tonight."

Suna's hands were stuffed into his hoodie pocket, his gaze focused ahead, but there was a flicker of something soft in his expression. "I didn't think I would either."

You gave him a sideways glance, your lips twitching into a smile. "But you did, right?"

He let out a soft chuckle, his hooded eyes meeting your gaze. "Yeah. Especially now that I have those embarrassing videos of Atsumu drunk." He paused, "But yeah, you got me. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

You laughed, "Wow, high praise," you teased, your voice light. "Maybe I should've gotten you a cake too."

Suna stopped walking suddenly, and you turned to look at him in surprise. His gaze was uncharacteristically serious.

"Y/N," he said quietly, taking his hands out of his pocket. “Thanks. For tonight. For dragging me out, for putting up with all of it… for just… being there.” He reached a hand out to grab one of yours, giving it a squeeze.

Your cheeks warmed under his gaze, squeezing his hand back. Smiling up at him, “I told you—you deserve to be celebrated, even if you don’t think so.”

He stared at you a moment longer, taking in all your beautiful features. He sighed, shaking his head as he looked down at your entertwined hands, “You’re too good to me,” he muttered.

Before you could respond, Suna pulled you closer with the hand he was holding. You barely had a moment to register the shift before your back met the cool surface of the wall of the nearby building. His eyes, usually so calm and unreadable, were now searching yours, filled with something you couldn't quite place—but it made your heart race.

"Do you have any idea," his voice low, careful, "how much I... how much tonight meant to me?"

You opened your mouth to respond, but the words didn't come. Before you could find them, Suna leaned in, brushing his lips against yours, testing, waiting. The hesitation melted away as you leaned into him, your fingers gripping the front of his hoodie to pull him closer.

The kiss deepened, slow but fervent, like he was pouring everything he couldn't say into it. His hand slid up to cup your face, his thumb brushing your cheek in a way that sent a warm shiver down your spine. He kissed you as if the world had narrowed down to just the two of you, the city noise fading into a distant hum.

When he pulled back, it was only for a moment—just enough to catch his breath, his forehead pressing against yours. His hand lingered on your cheek, his touch grounding and soft.

"You make everything better. You're the best thing that's happened to me in a long time," he whispered, his voice soft but carrying a weight that made your chest tighten in the best way.

You smiled, your fingers still gripping the front of his hoodie. "You're such a sap tonight," you teased lightly, your voice slightly breathless but warm.

"Don't tell anyone," he replied, the corner of his mouth twitching up into a smirk. "Gotta keep my reputation intact."

You laughed softly, the sound easing the intensity of the moment. "Your secret's safe with me."

Suna pulled back just enough to see your eyes, something unspoken passing between you. Then, without a word, he reached for your hand, lacing his fingers with yours as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

The two of you started walking again, the quiet city streets stretching ahead. The chill in the air seemed to fade, the warmth of his hand grounding you as you walked side by side.

"So," you began, glancing at him out of the corner of your eye. "Does this mean you owe me now for dragging you out tonight? Maybe next time you're the one planning something fun."

"Don't push your luck," he said, though the squeeze of his hand against yours betrayed his dry tone.

"Noted," you replied with a grin.

The conversation shifted easily, flowing into a casual back-and-forth as if nothing monumental had just happened between you. But as you glanced at your intertwined hands, a warm sense of certainty settled over you.

Whatever this was between you and Suna, it didn't need to be said aloud. It was already understood.

[causenessus]

human things in my life recently . . . ✦ . ⁺

(this is going to be a long list! i'll probably keep thinking of things as I write others down. and that's probably because that's the human experience :) )

i was talking to my director about wishing other kids could see him how I did, as a person, not just some silly guy who will let them slack off or do whatever they ask him to and I said "sometimes I wish I could project my brain onto others" and he laughed and said, "isn't that what it means to be human? wanting to share your thoughts with others, make them feel what you feel and think?"

i later told him i wanted to be there for our upcoming play which is stressing us both out and I told him, "I just feel like I see you. as a human. not as just a teacher, or some adult, or a figure. but a human." and he said, "thank you, I needed to hear that."

i wrote a christmas card to my manager and thanked her for treating me like a human and she said that my card was the best gift she received that year

we are all humans. why is it such a heartfelt compliment to tell someone you see them as such?

last december, sitting on the stage of my theatre on the last day before break with my tech director talking about growing up. what I will always remember from that day is watching the kid who will be taking over a lot of my responsibilities next year skipping down the stairs as he and I talked. i told him, "there have been so many deaths this year, and that scares me. i didn't think i'd start experiencing so much of this at 18, I thought it would be something in my late 20s. is this what growing up is?" and he said, "yes, but it's also about life. it's about watching new lives be created just as much as it is about seeing people off for the last time." and while currently, I think there's even more to growing up than just these two things, it was a nice reminder. growing up also means more life.

a post i saw online, about how depressing this Christmas felt, and someone's realization that it's because Christmas is a holiday your parents work hard to make feel magical. as you grow older, then it's up to you to make it magical for others, and that's how the magic of Christmas is kept

an except from my sociology final exam research paper on the fear of growing up from December: "While the definition of what it means to be an adult may vary between people, many at least hold within them an optimism that they will reach the place of adulthood at some point. Being an adult means to many being independent and responsible, which some acknowledge to be a heavy burden, but one that they are happy to carry...I am left with one closing thought: perhaps everyone is more prepared for the future than they thought."

telling my father on his birthday that he's the strongest person I know, not just physically, but mentally. even if we disagree on a lot of things and don't always get along, i can take one look around my room and house and realize how much he's done for me despite all of our arguments and how much he hurts everyday

something my therapist said that i'd come to the conclusion to while trying to decide if I should drop a class that was giving me a lot of anxiety or not, "do it. there's a stigma in society nowadays to just 'suck it up' whenever your facing something hard, but if you have the ability to change your surroundings when you're uncomfortable, why wouldn't you?"

my friend a few years younger than me that will text me and ask if she can be with me for lunch because she wants to be around someone she feels comfortable with

this same friend asking me for help on an assignment to find ten things that inspired her, and I told her "why don't you think about the future? somewhere you want to travel? your dream home, when you finally get to move out? what keeps you motivated?"

the fact that scientists don't yet understand the human brain. the fact that every single person on this earth is unique in how they form perceptions, what they experience who they meet, who they decide to love, what they believe in, what foods they like, how different the chemistry inside each of them is. how flawed we all are. everything that makes us human. and there's beauty in those imperfections, not things to be hidden.

[the-snake-and-the-statue]

why do i hear boss music

*Slyn is confused.*

[sonknuxadow]

my honest reaction

[good--merits-accumulated]

going through some old left-for-dead projects and just found this one where I was like. INTENT on dissecting jeff's brain on the operating table (i.e. google docs) but only from todd's weird skewed pov

[professor voice] it's about brothers as eternal combatants and it's about being so convinced of your own goodness you excuse your shitty actions. it's also about comparing yourself to a dog because you feel less fully formed than your brother. lol.

[longagoitwastuesday]

ngl it sort of pisses me off the way adults regard Gojo in Jujutsu Kaisen at times. Which could be a very interesting and poignant point in a good way if well written, but as it is it becomes mainly just frustrating and sad in a negative way.

Nanami saying Gojo never cared about anything or anyone other than himself crashes interestingly with Kusakabe saying the whole situation was just all his fault because he refused to kill Itadori. The students are very aware of those aspects of Gojo's personality, but overall they seem to regard him with way more kindness and fondness even when at their rudest, not truly coinciding with either Nanami's or Kusakabe's views.

[anxiousgaypanicking]

me when i want to accept writing commissions vs the depression thats been eating me inside and out

[sadkachow]

if i hear one more pro-ai take i fear i may start exploding people with my brain

[francixoxoxo]

I’ve been struggling with writing and motivation lately to be totally honest

[bearsinpotatosacks]

Update on my Whumptober thoughts: Not all the prompts will be posted, I have all 31 planned out but I found out that you don't have to post all 31. If a fic is finished, I'll post it but there's some big beasts that I want to write properly instead of rush. Also, I might not even write all 31. I want the completionist title but I don't have the time nor energy to force myself to write all the prompts and I did it last year and it wasn't like life-changing. I like Whumptober because the prompts help my creativity, spark some inspiration (talking about my Delancey Brothers Fic) but the perfectionist in me just beats myself up about not getting enough fics done before October or not writing enough each day to get them finished and then writing fics that all sound the same or the ideas being kind of shitty because I'm forcing them. I want to do my ideas justice rather than mass produce shit I don't like because I feel I need to, it's a constant line I walk between "I want to write something well and that I'm proud of so might be inactive for a while on AO3" and "I want to get this idea out there so need to post a bunch of stuff now"

[peapod20001]

I’m the type that can and will cry if think too hard <3

[cloud-somersault]

every time i hear someone sayin' they only read completed fics but also complain because there's not enough 100k slowburns, i get so irrationally mad.

how do you think fics get completed? do you think the author sits on that 100K slowburn for months and posts it all at once? maybe interact and give some engagement

[cinnamonfknbuns]

it's so cold but I don't wanna get properly dressed bc im scared of running out of my good clothes... water please come back I miss u......

god if ur hearing this CLEAN WATER. FROM THE PIPES. IN MANAGEABLE QUANTITIES. 🫷😳🫸

[foxgloveinspace]

Please always ramble in the tags 😭🫶🏼✨ reading tags are some of my favorite things, esp yours tbh

I hope your weekend was good dude! And I hope your migraine fucks off quicklyyy!

I’m trying to get some studying done today, it’s not working yet, but I’m trying!

PS link for your 14K FIC?!?! FUCKIN DUDE THATS AWESOME IM SO PROUD AND SO HAPPY FOR YOUUU!!!

@a-little-lynx

Good Luck Studying!! I hope you find your groove, and it goes really well!! This is my favorite rain noise video on youtube if you like those, I put it on when I need to drown out the rest of the world for reading, haha.

My migraine is already going away a bit, I turned off my headphones, even tho I was listening to The Summoning as a little, 'its been one year since i heard you' celebration, but I can do that later too.

I would link it, but its not posted yet🙇, I'm waiting till it's done before I post it, cause I have discovered through trial and error that that is best for me (*looks sadly at my now mostly abandoned Dune fic that I will finish one of these days but I don't know when it'll be.*)

I don't even know if I'm half way done with it even, I don't even know if I'm gonna post it as chapters? or post it as a really long one shot (but from what I hear, it's best to do it as chapters cause if you get passed 50k you can't edit it after posting, oof. I always forget tags). I think if i do, do chapters, I just finished the first one, haha. It's like, a dream come true though? cause SamTron/SamRinzler is one of my longest running ships (I'd go as far to call it my rare pair otp, haha) and Tron: Legacy is my favorite movie of all time, and I've wanted to write a long as fuck fic for them for years and years and years, so now that I'm finally doing it!!! Ugh. I'm just. so giddy about it, and I hope I am getting their characters right (even tho I've watched the movie about 50 times at this point and have the freaking.... script memorized at this point.) And!!! Yeah.... I'm so happy about it... I'm also being so so self indulgent with it (for me this means adding in little details that don't really matter, like the fact that Sam keeps body armor drinks in his fridge instead of like Gatorade, or that Quorra is a picky eater now that she can, ya know, actually taste things besides Energy on the Grid...... I am uhh, assuming you've watched Tron/Tron: Legacy Cass, if not its a-ok, I just realized some of this makes no since haha.) I am just.... really getting into it?

I'm also trying to keep the main plot under covers until I post it, cause I feel like the anticipation of keeping it sceret will motivate me to beign able to finish it!