#these characters trauma dump on you the moment you meet them. there is no building of anything. its all just vomited onto you immediately | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sakurarisen · 9 months ago

Text

Meet the Mun.

ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘɪᴄᴋ ᴜᴘ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴜʀʀᴇɴᴛ ᴍᴜꜱᴇ(ꜱ) ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ?

I've actually had Sera as a muse for well over a decade. She's easily one of my oldest muses and ocs, and came about in a period of my life that actually helped contribute to (then unrecognized) PTSD. While she's been through a HELL of a lot more than me, Sera is something of a comfort character and forever my strongest muse, and I don't think there'll ever be a day I'm not writing her. <3

ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ?

I'm not really fond of cheating plots, especially ones taken as a 'just handwave it off' kind of thing? Just not my cup of tea. I'm also not really fond of horror and violence for the sake of violence, again especially when just shrugged off or thrown in for no reason other than shock value/no reason at all, and I definitely don't like plots where all it is is 'A antagonizes B, B has to deal with it with nothing else going on aside from A antagonizing them' - I've had a lot of encounters where I literally couldn't do anything without my muse being shit on every time they showed up or opened their mouth, and it was treated as a joke my muse (and I) should just deal with. Shit's not funny after a while. I also don't like turning EVERYTHING nsfw it the same vein as that, either, being it sexual or not - It's exhausting trying to write a conversation between muses and it boiling down to/derailed into a slew of dirty jokes and innuendos, or a trauma dump in reply to something "what do you want for lunch". A bit is fine and funny, but there's a time for it, in my opinion.

ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ᴡʀɪᴛɪɴɢ?

I do love softer things! Give me relationship building! Give me lore building! Give me meaningful and impactful moments - Some of my favorite threads are ones where I've walked away and learned something new about the muses! <3 I love writing fluff, I love letting the muses just be, but I also love touches of angst occasionally and serious moments just as much. <3

ʜᴏᴡ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴜᴘ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴꜱ?

Oftentimes they're things I've been thinking of for a while and just had a breakthrough on, or a sudden realization - Things like Sera being a snow phoenix fall under 'sudden realization', while others, like her scars, were a breakthrough from thinking about. A good chunk of the time, they come around via threads making me see something in a new light or my love of reading made me think, or a video game sparked up a few thoughts, and it always tumbles into something massive the more my muse nodes her head and finally opens up in a 'you finally figured me out, here's more detail' babble.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ ɪɴ ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴄᴇ ᴏʀ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀʏ ᴍᴜꜱɪᴄ?

Both - I usually do better with silence, but if I can't get that, I'll slap on some instrumental type music, oftentimes Lindsey Stirling. Things with lyrics usually serve as a distraction because I want to listen to the vocals over writing. XD

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʀᴇᴘʟɪᴇꜱ ᴏʀ ᴡɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇᴍ?

Both! A LOT of them are winged, especially since I just let Sera (and Shayan!) do her own thing usually and oftentimes she ends up doing things I didn't expect her to do anyway, but I also like to plan out a little bit a lot, too. That's usually as simple as looking to a partner and going "I think this is going to happen" or "I'd like to touch on this", or even pointing out "hey, here's how my muse feels after that" - But from there it's usually winged, never planned out word for word.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ꜱʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢ?

I love shipping, but unfortunately I've had some pretty horrible experiences with it outside of an incredibly tiny handful of close friends, which's really dashed my desire to jump into it with anyone aside from them. This is actually why I've gone totally singleship and exclusively shipped with @honorisen - I've been burnt so badly over the years I'd rather just keep romantic shipping to a super close friend who knows me and I know just as well in return.

ᴡʜᴀᴛ'ꜱ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴀʟɪᴀꜱ/ɴᴀᴍᴇ?

I go by either Lita, Pom, or Pomberry, the later being a mix of Pomeranian and Tonberry! Though to be fair I also regularly answer to just 'hey you-' as well, and used to go by Pomsky before it got shortened to just Pom! I'm not super picky in which I prefer, so hit me with any of them <3

ᴀɢᴇ?

A good bit over 30-

ʙɪʀᴛʜᴅᴀʏ?

October 13th <3

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ᴄᴏʟᴏʀ(ꜱ)?

Purple, dark green, and probably a little mid-ranged blues in there too-

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜱᴏɴɢ(ꜱ)?

I spent my childhood in the 90's, so I've gotta say most songs by the Backstreet Boys and NSYNC - With special nods for the later to Bye Bye Bye and Space Cowboy. I also really, REALLY love Lindsey Stirling's Shatter Me and Roundtable Rival, as well as What You're Made Of, and Breaking Benjamin's I will Not Bow and Breath - I could list a ton here, but that's because I'm usually fond of songs and less so of groups in general!

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ᴍᴏᴠɪᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜᴇᴅ?

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2! It happened to be on tv, and I can never turn down GotG <3

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱ��ᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜᴇᴅ?

...Prooobably Jeopardy? I don't watch a whole heck of a lot of TV aside from old re-runs of 90's/early 2000's anime, but we watch Jeopardy and Family Feud here during dinner most days, so-

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱᴏɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ʟɪꜱᴛᴇɴᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ?

Currently have on Space Cowboy by NSYNC! <3

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜰᴏᴏᴅ?

Toss up between chicken tetrazini, meatloaf, and bbq ribs <3 Not really a food, but I finally got to try bubble tea/boba and I'm falling in love with that too-

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜱᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ?

Anything that isn't hot as all getout, which is most of the year where I live, unfortunately. x.x' I like spring and fall for that reason especially? And while my health doesn't agree, I LOVE winter and miss it since moving to a warmer climate several years back-

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀ ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ ʙᴇꜱᴛ ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅ?

Yep yep! <3 @honorisen / @yoroiis, @waltzofphoenix, and a friend who's unfortunately no longer rp'ing here, but I talk to daily! <3

Tagged: Saphie said steal it SO <3 Stolen from @azure-steel and replaced with cupcakes <3

Tagging: @yoroiis, @waltzofphoenix, Grab it! <3

#Out Of Poms [OOC]#Seen this floating around so... WHY NOT <3 #Will I do this on Thundertide later? Maybe #Not sure yet XD #But also Sera focused - Shayan was a little harder to answer for for personal reasons on some of these so I left him out #Plus Sera IS the primary muse here anyway? <3 #Honestly tho I'm pretty chill on a lot of things #I've just had several years straight of really toxic and horrible experiences and had to put my foot down in the last year or two #In regards to things I won't do #If I know I can trust a partner? I'm even MORE chill and relaxed <3 Just wary prior to that a lot

2 notes · View notes

cdroloisms · 4 years ago

Note

Dream tried to stop Wil from creating L'Manburg, Phil tried to stop him from blowing it up, BOTH value people over items and builds, Phil has said that they're replaceable but people aren't, Dream traded spirit for his best friends fishes (we kno he's not someone to talk abt feelings:[) BOTH were kind and selfless but used by almost if not everyone, BOTH were ready to be THE VILLAINS if it meant everyone else could live better after. ONE of them always had someone there, ONE didn't. Intentional?

aaaa sorry for the really inconsistent posts ,, im gonna try to post a little more in the next few days. i have a few things written up, so look out for them? maybe? for now, have this *gestures vaguely* thing ,, it’s kinda a mess but *shrug*

phil is such a fun character, anon, especially for all the reasons that you mentioned in the ask!! he’s a really fun character with a lot of complexities that go (sadly) overlooked by a large portion of the fandom, but he’s super cool even tho i havent analyzed him too much. hope you enjoy (and i hope my interpretation of c!phil isnt too ooc lmao)

tw: mentioned blood, injury, implied torture/abuse, starvation, trauma, mentioned death, prison arc/pandora’s vault

When Techno first brings Dream back from the prison, Phil doesn’t quite know what to think.

“I don’t trust him either,” Techno assures him, but there’s a flickering anger in the backs of his eyes, one that had emerged ever since he came back from the prison with the other man in his arms, and Phil knows his friend well enough to know that the words are empty in the face of the piglin hybrid’s particular brand of to-the-death loyalty. He shakes his head in reply, refusing to voice his thoughts for Techno’s sake, at least, but the look that the other slants at him suggests that he’s caught onto them all the same.

At first, the work is thankfully mindless; even if Phil has reservations on the man that Techno has more or less dumped into his house, he would hardly wish the clear suffering he’s been through on anyone. The first few days pass in a flurry of brewing potions, wrapping and rewrapping dressings, stitching up cuts and setting broken bones straight. The damage is extensive; Phil has to take more than a few breaks to just leave the house and breathe - he’s far from a stranger to blood and carnage, had received the title of ‘Angel of Death’ for a reason, but even he had never been particularly familiar with this form of cruelty. Torture was a level of violence that extended beyond what even he was willing to bestow - his hands may have caused many deaths, and the weight of each one would continue to haunt him for the rest of his life, but even those had the mercy of being a quick end. The wounds and scars that ripple over Dream’s skin, thin and stretched tightly over his bones with little muscle and fat left to cushion them, speak of horrors that were anything but merciful.

“I didn’t know they were capable of all of this,” Techno says, once, as they huddle of Dream, wringing towels in cold water to wipe his feverish skin. Techno’s hand reaches for the ribboning gold-filled scars that remain from the execution - carefully, Phil raises his hand to let his fingertips brush over them as well. “I mean, I knew he was dangerous and all, but-”

“I know, mate,” Phil looks back at Dream’s face, tight even in unconsciousness, at the darkened, hand-shaped bruises that remain around his throat, at the scar that runs over his left eye, clearly meant to mirror the same one that makes its way down the duck hybrid’s own face. “You said that Quackity and Sam were working together?”

“Yeah,” Techno’s expression darkens, eyes focused somewhere on the wall, seemingly very far away. He said that nothing happened to him in the prison, and he seemed relatively unharmed when Phil activated the stasis chamber, but ever since he came back, sometimes he’ll have moments, and Phil can’t help but - wonder. “Quackity does the dirty work, Sam gives him the way in and out, probably also the tools to do it. It’s-” he huffs a short, self-recriminating laugh. “It’s bad, Phil.”

“Mate-”

Techno shoots him a look, and Phil cringes, knowing already that he’d used the wrong tone. Even with the execution, Techno had been adamant to hide all traces of his own terror and fear away from him, masking it all with fury for Phil’s own sake. He knows, just from the way his old friend looks at the ribboning scars that remain sometimes, that he is far from as over the whole ordeal as he acts, but Techno never wants to talk and Phil never knows the right time to ask and they smooth it all behind plans and explosions and hope that the TNT can blow apart the trauma, too. He’s got a sneaking suspicion that the same thing is going to happen, here.

“As soon as we can,” Techno starts again, pointedly shifting his eyes away from Phil’s face, “we’re calling a Syndicate meeting to figure out what we’re going to do about the prison. Like- come on, man, you couldn’t make a more transparent abuse of institutional power if you tried, really-” he looks over, uncharacteristic uncertainty warring over his features. “If you think that’s good, I mean-“

“Of course, mate.” Phil’s voice softens. “Whenever you’re ready.”

‘Whenever he’s ready,’ as it turns out, is easier said than done, becoming even more evident when their charge wakes up from his days long spell of unconsciousness. The worst of his injuries have, under their careful care and the benefit of many potions, healed enough to no longer directly threaten his life, but the vast majority have quite some time to go before being healed completely. Being as the goal was torture and not death, most of his injuries weren’t made to be life-threatening, but rather to cause as much pain as possible - from the grimace that twists Dream’s face when he struggles to force himself awake, they’re doing their jobs.

“Hey, mate, slow down,” Phil murmurs, pressing the man down by his shoulder when Dream weakly tries to push himself up and off the bed, and his struggling only lasts for a few more minutes before he gives up and slumps against his pillow, eyes cracking open and seeming surprisingly lucid.

“Where-“ his voice is wrecked, and Phil reaches for the glass of water at the bedside as Dream coughs. “Where am I?”

“You’re at Techno’s house,” Dream’s eyes widen and then slip closed as he processes the information, a wrinkle forming between his eyebrows as they knit together. “We broke you out, after Techno escaped with a stasis chamber with your book. Do you remember?”

Dream gnaws on his bottom lip. “Um- yeah. I think.” His head turns as his eyes crack open again- “Techno-“

“He’s out, right now. He’ll be back in a bit.”

“Oh.” Dream falls back into the bed, strength seemingly sapped from the short conversation. His breathing stutters, then steadies. “Okay.”

Recovery is slow. Phil doesn’t actually find himself seeing the man very often; now that he doesn’t need around-the-clock care anymore, he’s moved back into his own house, letting Techno do most of the work when it comes to rehabilitating the escaped convict crashing at his house. As he begins to spend more of his time awake and aware, he brings a whole slew of new problems; Phil catches him screaming one day, blurting harsh, angry words as Techno reads, unbothered from the other side of the room, and he stops in his tracks standing awkwardly in the doorway.

“Um-“ he winces when Dream curses, smashes something against the floor, and then curls into himself at the sound. Techno doesn’t even flinch. “Am I interrupting something?”

Dream stomps away, face flushed, arms wrapped around himself. Techno raises an eyebrow.

“You lookin’ for something, Phil?” he asks, and the unpleasant knot in Phil’s chest refuses to unwind.

The episodes, unfortunately, don’t seem to get much better. Though he’s rarely outright violent, Dream looks constantly murderous, usually muttering underneath his breath about something or another while he stalks the grounds of Techno’s house. It’s not too long before Techno sends him out to work around the house instead of just moping within the cottage, which also means that Phil sees him a lot more - tending to a small farm behind the house, feeding the dogs, hacking away at mobs, and usually complaining the entire time. It’s unnerving, even as injured and unarmored as the man is, to see him walking around like this; despite his rather pathetic appearance, swamped in sweaters that dwarf him thoroughly and thin enough to look like the slightest breeze will knock him over, his eyes are flinty and intelligent and bubble with promises of revenge.

“FUCK!” Phil turns to see him slamming a shovel into the snow, stomping away into the woods, and his hands tighten around his cup of tea. Next to him, Techno shrugs.

“Nerd’s got a few issues,” he drawls, and Phil laughs shortly.

“That seems like an understatement.”

“He’ll ease up in time,” Techno sounds surprisingly confident, completely content despite the muffled curses that come from the woods next to them. He’s probably used to it, with Chat and all, but Phil can’t quite seem to find the same calm.

“I just don’t know, mate,” Phil shakes his head. “You sure having him around is the best idea? He doesn’t seem...stable.”

Techno looks up at him over the rim of his cup of coffee. His head tilts, considering, but there’s a small smile on his face that tells Phil that Techno, inexplicably, doesn’t share the same sentiments. There was always a part of him that was, for the lack of a better word, softer than the rest of the server for his self-proclaimed rival, a sort of understanding that Phil could hardly hope (nor would really want to) understand.

“Don’t worry, Phil, if he tries anything I can always just tie him up in the attic or something,” Phil huffs a small laugh, amused, and nods to concede the point. “And- well, call it intuition. You could really try talkin’ to him, you know. He reminds me of you, sometimes.”

The words stick in his head despite his best efforts, rattling in his skull when he tries to sleep, lingering when he catches glimpses of the green-clothed man stalking around their properties. He can’t imagine what would’ve prompted his old friend to make the comparison, can’t think of a single thing (besides their affinity for the color green) that would mark him as similar to the - from what he’s heard - deranged menace with a particular penchant for destruction (not that his rants and fits of anger are doing anything to correct that impression). Even so, Techno had sounded so sure when he’d made the comparison, the words offhand like he’d thought them a million times before, like it was a simple observation that held no more weight than commenting on the color of the sky. Phil watches as Dream lugs a pile of logs behind him, huffing at one of Techno’s dogs that comes to chase and nip at his feet and grumbling loudly before faceplanting into the snow. He just...can’t see it.

Days later, Wilbur comes to visit, a grin on his lips as he dramatically recounts his newest exploit: a nation by Las Nevadas, a supposed safe haven away from the glitter and glory of Quackity’s city; it sounds brilliant, it sounds lovely, and more than anything it sounds stupid, and Phil tells him as such immediately.

“You’re being reckless,” he rants at his son, wings flaring outwards and only barely noticing Dream watching from the corner of his eye, “What are you doing- picking fights with Quackity? Starting another nation- didn’t you see what happened to the first two you made? You’re going to get yourself killed, Wil!”

“Well, I’ve already seen what’s on the other side of death, and it’s really not that bad-“

“You’re my son!” The words are angrier than Phil would’ve liked, and he knows that he looks ridiculous and overbearing, criticizing the actions of his fully grown son, but all he can see is Wilbur’s face, slack with pain and grief, stained with ash and soot as his eyes flutter to half-mast in the midst of the rubble of a country he loved and destroyed and destroyed him in turn. “I can’t lose you again, Wil!”

Wilbur doesn’t quite storm out, but it’s a near thing, leaving with a clipped goodbye and leaving Phil seething on his doorstep. He spends the rest of the night pacing around the house in a sort of mad frenzy, wings stretching and folding over and over. Not for the first time, he longs for the sky, to feel the air through his wings and let the world fall into pinpricks below him; it’s this that leads him to the roof of his house, staring stubbornly at the clouds as the sun sinks down to the horizon.

“Hey.”

Phil startles; there, down below him, is Dream. He rocks back on his heels, seeming awkward, before clambering up the wall (Phil rolls his eyes at the ease with which he scales it, the feeling in his chest almost fond) and settling himself on the shingles at Phil’s side.

“Hey, mate,” Phil shakes his head. The fondness leaves, and the irritation that had risen at Wilbur’s words, earlier, comes back full-force. “Sorry- Wil came to visit, we talked. I just needed some time to think.”

Dream hums in acknowledgement, and they fall into a comfortable silence, watching as the sun dipping down past the mountains in the distance.

“You know,” Dream starts, sudden, “I told him the same thing.” He looks up at Phil, eyes faraway with old memories. “Wilbur, I mean. When he made L’manburg- I told him he was being reckless.” He shrugs. “I guess he never listened.”

Phil pauses, Techno’s words ringing in his ears. He reminds me of you, sometimes.

Dream looks surprisingly normal up close - face no longer reddened with fever or pale from blood loss, even the scars fail to really take from the boyishness of his face. He bites his lips, eyes falling away at Phil’s scrutiny, golden blond hair flopping over his forehead, newly trimmed to be something a little closer to his old length, at least in the front, the back pulled into a small ponytail. He’s young, and shockingly awkward, teeth worrying his lip, hands fiddling with each other, shifting his weight from one foot to the other several times a minute. He looks like a kid.

“He never does,” Phil lets himself smile, watches as Dream smiles back, almost like they’re sharing a joke. He wonders how well he really knows the man behind the mask. “Want to come in for some tea?”

Dream smiles wider, and something old and worn in Phils chest, knocked loose ever since he felt his son fall limp in his arms with his own sword shoved between his ribs, falls back into place.

“That would be great,” Dream replies, the words almost hopeful, and they go inside.

#tw trauma #tw death #tw blood #tw injury #tw torture #tw abuse #tw starvation #prison arc #pandora's vault #-> my writing #my writing :D #my asks !!#-> my asks

269 notes · View notes

mandareeboo · 4 years ago

Text

SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not.

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me.

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky.

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster.

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs!

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly.

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong.

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

347 notes · View notes

the-six-espada · 3 years ago

Text

TBB Spoilers below. A rant (please don’t pay me any mind, I might delete this :d)

I’ve been fighting the urge to write about this but I decided what the hell. Please note that I’m aware I am discussing the emotions and narrative of a fake show, with a fake universe and fake characters – I’m just dumping some thoughts I’ve had in the past few days.

I’m not aiming to change anyone’s opinion here – I’m well aware there are a lot of people who don’t like Crosshair as they’ve made it painfully aware in the past weeks, however I do want to calmly explain a few things and if you’re interested in reading them be my guest.

I can understand that a lot of people might not entirely comprehend the emotions I will try to explain party because they perhaps never experienced them and partly because I probably won’t word them accurately enough but I will do the best I can.

The contents of the last episode of the Season 1 Bad Batch series have left me a little broken. I’m really trying to not get too emotional but the contents of this series have triggered some emotional trauma I’ve buried (as I’m sure it did for a lot of people, but I will be speaking only for myself here) – I’m not blaming the show in any way. I love the show. It’s because of its good writing and setting that this hurts so much.

Crosshair being left again is really upsetting to me for a lot of reasons. The gaping distance created by the Bad Batch and Crosshair is so hurtful. Earlier on in the show, after seeing the complete disregard for their brother, I thought that perhaps there is part of this narrative that we are missing. Maybe the relationship between them wasn’t as good as we thought. Maybe at some point during their upbringing or the numerous missions they’ve been on together these guys figured out they hate their brother. Or at least don’t care for him. Which would be enough of a reason for them to completely not hesitate to continue their lives without him. However what I cannot understand is – how can you leave him stranded on a platform on a planet that is just water, where the only building on that planet has been blown up minutes prior, without his weapon and backpack.

They practically left him for dead.

You don’t care about your brother and you don’t want him to be on your team? Fine. You can’t get past your differences and work together or have a healthy conversation about your differences in opinions? Understandable. But please explain to me how leaving him with no weapon on a absolutely deserted planet makes any sense? Even if the Empire does come back to look for him (which in my opinion is highly unlikely) what do you think they will do to him? The only Empirial teammate he had and was left alive saw him and snitched on him to Rampart. They gave the order to kill him alongside the other clones. They most likely will either kill him or experiment on him. Hunter knows this. He might not be certain exactly what’s going to happen but he for a fact knows the Empire will discard him - he said so to Crosshair on two occasions.

So now in my opinion is just a question of basic human decency to at least drop him somewhere - on another planet at least I don’t know.

For the people who think Crosshair was too rude to his brothers in the last episode and was making too snarky replies. First, it’s not news that Crosshair in general does that - since day one he has been sarcastic and borderline “rude”. Whether or not his brothers found that annoying or not is up to debate but at least in my opinion they didn’t seem too bothered by it. Ask anyone with siblings - bickering is part of the family relationship. Second, I don’t know if you ever encountered someone after a dramatic breakup (doesn’t matter if it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship) but his behavior was presented very accurately. Please try to imagine getting into a fight with someone you had years of build relationship, people who you deeply cared for and trusted, people you probably loved. You get into a fight, you fall out and don’t hear each other for some time. Now you have a lot of time for these emotions to brew inside you - you will mainly feel sadness. Why did this happen? Why are they not reaching out? They know you are in pain so why aren’t they trying to remedy things? Queue all of the moments you had together, all the good memories, all the emotions you’ve shared and how much you devoted yourself to them. Was it all fake? Did they feel the same? Then comes anger. How could they? How could you? Why did you let yourself be this vulnerable with someone? Why are they not trying to communicate with you? Don’t they hurt the same as you? This segment by the way opens up a whole other door of trust issues and thoughts that lead you to conclusions to never let yourself be this vulnerable with others or have any kind of deep emotions for anyone else but we are not going to tackle that. (Not to mention that until that point Crosshair was already presented as a very closed off character and probably the only people he truly felt comfortable with were his brothers but never mind that now.) So you are angry and sad. Unfortunately even with all that hurt you don’t stop loving this person/these people because it just doesn’t work like that. In fact it is so painful because you love them. Time passes and you finally meet and the first thing that it’s itching at your tongue is to tell them they have hurt you. Which Crosshair did - he explained they’ve left him even though they were brothers and in a way betrayed him. Then comes the desire to inflict pain back - it’s completely irrational because a part of you wants to patch things up but another just wants to get payback. To say something, anything, to hurt them. It’s erratic, childish - exactly what we can see from Crosshair in this last episode. He takes every opportunity to bite back. And honestly I can’t blame him. That’s a totally normal response. I would like to point out that in a way the batch does that too - they are not warm to him in any way either, which again is valid since from their point of view they also probably feel betrayed by him. Also, the fact that he doesn’t feel the need to physically harm them (even though as he said it would have been totally justifiable from his point of view) but just make a few snarky remarks? Yeah, I would let that slide.

Honorable mention to the fact that no one apologized .. for anything. Even a casual “sorry, we left you” or “sorry, we didn’t bother to come looking for you” - nothing. I think at this point no one was expecting for the batch to start dramatically confessing their feelings but just a plain apology would have been a great start. It just confuses me so much. Hunter said to Omega “I’m angry at myself. We don’t leave our own behind.” and yet couldn’t express a simple gesture of apology to him? It makes no sense to me. I know that not everyone is emotional. Not everyone can have or express strong feelings for another human being in a relationship. But the complete lack of interest from the batch since day 1 about what is happening with their brother is baffling to me.

I’m gonna say this once and there are probably going to be people out there who don’t get it and that’s fine but: If you deeply care about someone and love them you would want them to come back. Against all odds. In spite of what they say. You would dare do the impossible just for the off chance something, anything, works and you get to have them back.

The Batch went back to save Hunter. On Kamino. In a situation where, honestly, they were going to die if it wasn’t for Crosshairs decision to give them a chance. They were walking in outnumbered against a person who knew and could predict their every move. And they knew that but they had to try. No such thing at any point was shown for Crosshair. They didn’t even try to get to him at the end. The only one who did was Omega. And I’m willing to believe that if Hunter or whoever stepped in after her conversations with him he was perhaps going to crack but.. no one even tried.

I don’t want to seem like I hate the show or the other characters. Words cannot express how good this show is and how accurately it’s written (in my opinion) but it’s just hurtful. And I believe a lot of us Crosshair fans are hurt because we can empathize. I’m not living under the illusion that my opinion of Crosshair is going to change anyone else’s - this is not what I’m trying to do. This is my post, take it or leave it. I just had thoughts and wanted to lay them out. If you read through all of this, thank you for giving it your time.

#TBB #The Bad Batch #Bad Batch #Crosshair #Hunter #Tech #Echo #Wrecker #Omega #Star Wars #starwars #word vomit #I apologize I don't mean to attack anyone #these are just my feelings #might delete

43 notes · View notes

cacowhistle · 4 years ago

Text

do you take walk-ins?

Fandom: Dream SMP Characters: Wilbur Soot & Captain Puffy Word Count: 780

for the love of god, get wilbur some therapy. little study in characterization and a dynamic i really want to see. not long enough for me to warrant posting to ao3.

christ. he’s really fucking doing this.

wilbur takes a deep breath, wiping his palms on his jeans. it shouldn’t be so fucking nerve-wracking--it’s just a building. he’s just walking into a goddamn building. a building that will potentially make him face every godawful thing he hates about himself, but it’s still just a building. and that isn’t really--the building isn’t going to do that. he’s going to do that. he wants to do that.

… he does not want to do that.

wilbur decides he isn’t going to think about it anymore. he knocks on the door, sharply, three times in a row. he hears shuffling behind it, a quiet curse.

“come in!” the captain calls, and wilbur gently pushes open the door.

she’s smaller than he expected. facing a shelf on the opposite wall, reaching up to tuck away some files.

“so sorry, i’ve been a little all over the place this morning,” she says, not looking down. “are you here for an appointment? i don’t think i had anyone scheduled for now, but i can double-check--”

wilbur clears his throat. “do you take walk-ins?”

puffy looks over at him as if she’s about to say something, but freezes when she sees him for the first time in the doorway.

her expression softens a tad, the way it does when she looks at tommy (he’s seen it from afar, and something about it made his chest ache with longing). she nods, sharply, smiling warmly.

“i certainly can. it’s a pleasure to finally meet you, mr. soot.” she holds out a hand to shake. wilbur takes it, managing a small smile back.

“just wilbur is fine,” he says, and puffy grins.

“alrighty then. c’mon in, wilbur.” she shuts the door behind him, nudging him onwards, further into the office.

he’s not sure why he’s so goddamn nervous--he’s not exactly out of his element, this sort of thing is kinda where he thrives. it’s just social interaction--about fucked up things, but still social interaction. he’s good at that. he always has been, whether magically inclined or otherwise.

maybe it’s because he can’t charm his way out of a conversation about deep-rooted trauma. not really. ugh, why is he doing this?

(it’s this or tell tommy or techno or phil. he’s not going to dump all of this on them.)

“i haven’t seen you around much since… well, you know,” puffy says, settling into a chair. wilbur sits down on the couch opposite her, managing a smile that feels more like a grimace.

“yeah, i’ve been, uh. getting used to being alive again.” wilbur laughs, nervously. “you know how it is.”

puffy snorts. “mhm. i’m glad you’re back with us--tommy’s always spoke highly of you.”

his heart warms, at that--even after everything he did, after how he hurt them all, he’s… he’s just glad that he’s not a complete monster, in tommy’s eyes. he’s not sure he’s earned the right to be remembered fondly, but he can’t help but be grateful.

“not sure why,” wilbur admits, glancing down at his hands. “i was kinda awful to him, if i’m bein’ honest.”

puffy hums, softly. “he’s mentioned it a few times. but he believed the best of you up until the end, i can tell you that much.”

“does he come here?” wilbur asks, looking up at her again. puffy laughs, softly, amused.

“if i can wrangle him into one of the chairs for long enough, i try to get him to talk. he’s a stubborn one. maybe try and convince him, for me?”

wilbur can’t help the startled laugh that breaks out of him. “if i can make him listen to me, sure.”

“he listens to you more than anyone else!” puffy looks awfully amused, and wilbur finds that he’s actually smiling, for the first time in a while.

“he’s a good kid,” puffy says, softly.

“that doesn’t even begin to cover it.” wilbur leans back, tangling his fingers in the hem of his sweater.

there’s a moment of quiet where they sit there, puffy giving him a moment to think. wilbur missed tommy so badly it hurts to think about, and he hadn’t even fucking realized it until he’d had the kid in his arms again. why did he ever decide to go the way he did? why didn’t he just fucking stay?

(he knows damn well why. he’d done the most atrocious thing the server had seen by then--god forbid he live with the consequences.)

“i was--i was a shit fucking brother, to him,” wilbur admits, voice breaking. “i regret so much of it.”

puffy’s expression turns a touch sad.

“tell me about it,” she says, softly.

and he does.

#dream smp #dsmp #wilbur soot #captain puffy #dream smp fanfic #dream smp fanfiction #dsmp fanfic #dsmp fanfiction #mcyt #mcytblr #dsmpblr #my writing

73 notes · View notes

letthefrogsbe · 3 years ago

Text

remember when I was gonna write that parkner fic?

cool so I've decided I'm gonna, but because I cannot write for SHIT and I hate my writing every time I see it, ill just share my outline of what I have so far. its not coherent. sorry.

Section one: aunt may dies. It’ll be like “it's been 3 months. 3 months since May was shot. 2 months and 3 weeks since she died.”

Something like that idc. Basically this section will base around peter living tony, because he’s not doing well, and he is only 17- which is not actually old enough to be on your own after something like this. Setting is established, with cameos from dr strange (who tony is dating and lives with (yeah bite me, this is my fanfiction i can make it what i want.) it will be made obvious that this takes place after endgame, which also means that tony is Not going to die. I’m not that mean lmao. The avengers are like largely together, there was not as much death in this as there was in endgame. Whatever. Everyone is very nice to peter because they know that for him its either this or him becoming a ward of the state so like.

Section two: harley gets kicked out. His mom finds out that he’s gay (from gossip sources idk) and kicks harley out. Im not going to write them having a big fight like in the moment, but harley will recount what happened somewhat to tony in this section, and then more to peter later in the story. Gay ppl trauma dump, we know this. Okay anywaysss so harley calls tony literally sobbing and like freezing fucking cold. IM SORRY IM BEING SO MEAN TO THEM I PROMISE THEY'LL GET A HAPPY ENDING. Okay. harley explains how his mom kicked him out. Tony asks why, harley says something like “she didn’t agree with my lifestyle choices” like bitterly. Tony is a good person in this (i know, im really taking some character liberties) and he’s in the mood for collecting strays apparently, so he has happy send over the quinjet. He can’t make it himself bc hes in fucking japan or something for the next few weeks,, but. Yeah! Tony also calls peter, who is presumably in bed and feeling depressed. “Hey pete. How ya feeling? Any better?’ ‘Not really, tony. Sorry.’ ‘you don’t have to be sorry-’ ‘damn tony you sound like my therapist.’ “sorry pete, but i do have something to tell you- you know harley?’ ‘only from what you’ve told me about him, but yea. He was the tennessee garage kid, right?’ ‘i mean. Yes. so- he’s gonna come stay with me for a while too- it might not be permanent but it will probably be a bit. He’s about your age, and he just has no where to go (just like u). He’s not going to stay in your room or anything, but with bruce and thor here, he will be in your apartment area.’ ‘okay tony.. Will i have to talk to him a bunch?’ ‘not if you don’t want to- i already warned him about you, so it should be okay. I wouldn’t worry so much pete- you guys are so similar in a lot of ways that i wanted to introduce you two long before he called me.’ ‘okay tony, i trust you. Thank you again for letting me stay with you :)’ (yeah that kind of got away from me)

Section 3: build up. this is a shorter section. Harley and peter are gonna meet in section 4. This section is harley’s jet ride (with an intuitive happy) and harley’s nerves about how he really isn’t worth this (i mean hes pretty intimidated tony sent a private jet just for him) and happy like reassures him. Hes still insecure though. Peter is also nervous bc what if harley doesn’t like him? What if he doesn’t like harley?? Tony did say they would get along, but peter hasn’t really been himself recently, so who knows? Yeah lots of that. I do want to emphasize though- peter is not completely unhealthily coping. Like he has a therapist and he has been reaching out to ned and mj, but its still an open wound for him. Obviously. He still has a sense of humor though, but its to cover these deep insecurities. Like the first month or so that he was with tony, he was reallllyyyy trying to not get close to him bc he sort of thinks he kills everyone around him. Like logically he knows this isn’t true, but he does really think the that non superheroes that he surrounds himself with are very at risk if they know about his spider-man-ness. The only people who know now are ned and mj (may knew too).

Section 4: the meeting of harley and peter. Keep in mind peter has been living in this apartment/area of stark tower for about 3 months now. He actually moved in while may was in the hospital because he couldn’t stand to be alone in the apartment when he knew why may wasn’t there. And um. Yeah. so peter is like comfortable in this space, basically. Also- the reason theyre in the same apartment is because stark tower was not really created with the idea of housing broken orphans in mind, so it only has a certain amount of residential space. Thor and bruce are currently staying there together (although no one really knows if theyre together, or if theyre just best bros who went through some extreme trauma together and are now inseparable. Hmmm wonder if thats gonna come up later) and theyre using one apartment, and happy lives there with his own apartment, and tony and stephen are currently sharing the penthouse, even though thats not public knowledge. Really only the people close to tony know that he’s dating stephen. So. this leaves just the one other 2 bedroom apartment for peter and harley. It has one bathroom, and the bedrooms are connected by a door but theyre pretty big so like. Theres a kitchen, a living room with a fancy ass tv, and a really pretty view (with a balcony bc <333). May died in march, peter got leave from the school in april, and it is now the middle of june btw. Tony is now peter’s official guardian (he was before may died anyways) and now has sole guardianship over him which he has fully accepted, even though peter and him both know that there are going to be times where he has to go out of town bc he does own a company after all. Times like right now. Harley is pretty nervous that tony isn’t going to be there to greet him and that he is going to have to like introduce himself to peter and everything. Cmon, theres no reason to feel like that, he’s the one intruding after all, he should at least be able to handle himself. (<--- harley’s thoughts). Yeah so theyre insecure super cool. A n y w a y s so peter was stressing about harley as he arrived, and so when harley walked in they were both complete bundles of nerves. Harley walks up but knocks. Peter actually jumps (bc spidey sense okay whatever) and goes to get the door. Oh my god these awkward teenagers i hate them so much (i love them). Peter kinda looks like shit, sorry king. He was a little bit crying earlier, then tony called and he switched into stressed out ball-of-anxiety mode. Distractions are good, its okay. Peter opens the door for harley and they like introduce each other all awkward (again sorry) and peter shows harley where he is staying. Harley doesnt really have muchhhh bc he was kicked out and all. He just has a suitcase full of clothes, his favorite blanket, his favorite stuffed animal (yeah whatever bc ofc he does) and his phone/charger. He sets all his stuff down at once. He thanks peter for letting him stay in his apartment and also said sorry. First thing peter noticed was harley’s accent. Stfu. peter asks why harley’s here- ok. Harleys had a long ass day. Too fucking long. He- he breaks down. He tells peter a lot. About how his mom found out that he was gay, and how she told him never to come back. Yikes. Anyways, this is establishing the beginning of their relationship as friends. Peter is there for him even though he doesn’t know him at all. Peter sees some of himself in harley in this moment, even though he’s not talking about himself yet. Eventually harley does ask about peter, and they really just get to know each other really quick. They have these deep scarring individual traumas, and neither has nearly recovered, but they find comfort in just knowing that theyre not alone in their suffering. At least for now. At least in this moment.

Section 5: the next day. Peter and harley spent that whole night talking about what they were going through. Peter said good night at around 5 am (there were no adults around they can do what they want to) and they both got good sleeps. In peter’s case, one of the first solid nights he’s had in a while. Harley was kept up a little longer after peter left, however, because he just couldn’t shut off his mind. It was really cathartic for him to just lay everything out there and for someone to just accept him. Peter told him he was bi, but he was.. Lucky. He had accepting people in his life. May was accepting. God, harley couldn’t fathom having lost everyone in his life, everyone he ever cared about, and still having the heart to sit and talk with the dumbass anxious gay kid who can’t go home anymore. His problems felt so small compared to peter’s, and all he could do was admire peter’s resilience and how he was seemingly able to bounce back from anything. God, peter was something. He couldn’t wait to get to know him more. With that thought circling in his head, he finally went to sleep at oh shit 6:30 am. Peter woke up around 1. Harley at 2. When harley woke up, peter was watching tv and eating cereal on the couch and he just sat down next to him. No words, just sleepy children being sleepy. They stayed like this for like an hour when someone knocked on their door. Enter stephen strange!!!!!!!!!!! Get excited people. Hes just coming in to check on them bc tony told him to, and he didn’t get the chance last night bc he was _busy_. K so now he’s here and hes awkward and he just wants to make sure these boys r okay bc theyve both been through too much recently, and it would be just the cherry on top if they didn’t get along. Him and harley had never actually met before so he like introduced himself and all that. Offered like if they needed anything he was there, and its only gonna be a few days until tony gets back (did i say a week earlier? Im retconning that bc i cannot find it in my writing so it is now retconned). Peter and harley just have to sort of explain to dr strange that theyre getting along gREAT and there is no need for concern….. And peter was even thinking about showing harley around the city a bit that night (something he had not yet told harley, but wanted to make it seem like he was doing well and not acting too depressed in front of Dr. Strange) so dr strange is like yeah !!!!!! do that, that sounds super fun petey !!!!!! and so now they have evening plans

ok ps I wrote this like 2 weeks ago and completely forgot I posted something on Tumblr about this fic idea, and so this is literally just how I talk to myself. was not gonna ever post this but then I decided to because I'm bored. there are more sections but I'm not gonna post them rn because this post is really fucking long already!!!!

#hope this is marketable??#sort of just wanted to share my 4 am writing tbh #it doesn't make sense just go w it #parkner #peter parker #harley keener

7 notes · View notes

wexhappyxfew · 3 years ago

Note

i literally choked on my pizza when i saw your writing and analyzing questions post, I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!! first of all, what sort of process do you go through when creating characters? what kind of things do you take into consideration when creating them? i’m fascinated because creating characters is far from easy, especially when you’re creating someone like agent mortem! i’m always interested to know what the writer’s thought process was when creating a new character!

okay, so secondly, i wouldn’t say i’m having trouble with keeping all my planning organised and ‘precise’ in a way, but it’s really not easy 😅 i was wondering what kind of processes you go through when planning, whether you have like a specific structure or a set of steps to follow, or if you just kind of roll with it? at the moment when i plan it’s okay and it makes sense, but it’s literally just 4 or 5 pages of really chunky paragraphs which makes it really difficult to pick out the events again when i come to needing the plan to help me. i don’t really know if you do anything different, but if there is any way you know of that i could keep it more organised and easy to follow, that would be great :)

i’ll keep the last ones a little shorter because this ask is already looking veryyy long — what have you enjoyed writing about natia, what struggles have you faced and what have you learned? and basically the same with agent mortem if that’s possible :) i have asked a LOT of questions in this, so don’t feel like you have to answer them all because it will probably take quite a while 😅 anyway, thank you for putting up with my endless questions, and i hope you have a good day <33

ROSE AH HELLO MY FRIEND!!!! <333 sorry ive just gotten to this omg! it’s been sitting here for a little while but i’ve just had so much going on right now and wanted to make sure when i answered that my *full attention* was put on this! (because i’ve been very excited to answer this ESPECIALLY as i see agent mortem questions poking up on here and that just makes me even more hype!!! :D enjoy! <3

Ooooo this is a cool question! I’ve been asked it before but I feel with different characters and such, it always seems to fluctuate for me at least? In the sense, it’s almost never the same process for me in the developmental stages of a character haha! Sometimes I get characteristics first hand, or sometimes a certain scene pops up that just makes the character click and I can build from there, or sometimes, it’s just a last name or a first name that I work with and suddenly have an idea for!

For example, since we’re on the general topic of Landslide, I’ll talk about some things I did when creating specifically Natia. The “Natia” who is currently portrayed in the fic, was not always really like that. Natia initially was not a SOE Agent/Polish Resistance Fighter and instead a Dutch Resistance Member who would meet with Easy in Episode 4. I always sort of knew Natia, in whatever form she was, would meet Easy in Episode 4, but I wasn’t sure how, so the building in the first 17 chapters was the toughest part to come.

I did heavily feel the Polish were underrepresented in terms of the situation of the war along with everything that happened in the Warsaw Uprising and so I felt it was important to see if I could do something with that and that’s really where Natia came into play!

Natia means “hope” essentially and something I really like doing with her character is to parallel or juxtapose different ideas together, to continue on this sort of theme of her being a quite ominous and ambiguous character — you get the general sense of what her morals are, but in certain points it’s questionable. Morally-ambiguous characters have always been fascinating to me, especially female morally-ambiguous characters and so creating Natia in that respect I felt would be interesting to see what I could do!

Something major that I’ve slowly began to take into consideration with characters more and more, is the sort of general theme I want to be present with them — what’s that goal i that they are moving towards in the end and what’s the them surrounding it? For Natia it’s a multitude of things; family, revenge, being silenced, numb, grief, mentor vs protégé, lone wolf etc….the list could truly go on! And with these basic sort of ideas and themes, I can then move on from there and expand.

Why did she want REVENGE? Because the enemy killed her FAMILY, which is extremely important to her, and she wants to feel some sort of REDEMPTION for them.

Why was she BEING SILENCED? Because of the *past* conflict of the HARMFUL MENTOR VS SILENCED PROTÉGÉ situation that occurred between Agent Mortem and herself, where she allowed herself to be silenced by someone who abused the SUDDEN POWER he never had before in his life, ultimately leading to her continued issues of TRUST that she would meet throughout.

Why is she NUMB? Because at a fairly young age she experienced heavy and intense GRIEF that struck unforgivably at a time where it seemed things were safe. To rip something from a character, especially the main character, like FAMILY which is extremely important, you pull at the heart strings and it makes that character move forward on a quest for that in a way, ultimately by the end of the fic. (Basically you up they are least get a semblance of that lost thing, found again by the end)

Why is she a LONE WOLF? Because of the MENTOR VS PROTÉGÉ situation yet again, where she was taught to rely strictly on herself and no one else and so when TRUST and COMPANIONSHIP and TEAMWORK were introduced to her character, she didn’t know how to cope because she had been so desensitized to the ways of Agent Mortem that working back in the morals of family and friends was a challenge in its own respect.

It’s sort of a like a ripple effect if you think about it and that’s what helps me eventually move forward and develop the character arc I want to take place. She’s this way because of this — sort of like cause and effect. It’s really helped me out with major scenes or plot holes that have risen throughout the fic!

AGREED! Writing in general is not an easy feat and now including mind you ORIGINAL CHARACTERS, you’re literally, essentially, creating human beings from scratch and giving them characteristics, a backstory, trauma if you wish, friends and family, people they love, people they hate, morals, standards EVERYTHING! ITS INSANE! AH AND AGENT MORTEM! I’m so very glad that you brought him up, because his creation definitely stemmed directly from the want to experiment with the relationship of failed mentor vs protégé, entirely. I wanted a foil to Natia that was not directly with her all the time. Mortem plays such a MASSIVE role in her story and yet any interactions between the two are either from her mind or from memories and that’s just such a fun way to play around with their dynamic! (I just finished the creation of his backstory and character arc I want him to take and it’s only made me even more excited for what’s to ultimately come for him as well as Natia!)

A song that HEAVILY represents their dynamic is Ghost by Marvin Brooks (2WEI) and I’ll explain why. Even though Mortem is not always inherently *with* Natia, he still is a huge factor of her life, and still heavily controlling many aspects of her life such as recurring memories, reactions, and how she is also conditioned to react to certain things as well. He is essentially a “ghost” who is “haunting” Natia and I feel that’s an interesting take on their connection because they’re two people who clearly had a power struggle and a difference of opinions of multiple things and that just makes it so incredibly interesting to write!

song:

OOOOOO good question!!! So many people have such different ways of approaching story writing and planning and drafting and writing and editing and it’s honestly amazing!! I will say, I’m not an excessive planner or even a real great planner with writing, I never really have, and even as I’ve developed my writing and learned that “it’s okay to slow down”, or “it’s okay to take time for different portions to provide a deeper focus”, I still have not been someone to plan out every bit of my writing.

Reason being is I enjoy seeing where I can take the story in that time and place. Maybe if I’m doing a quick little writing segment and suddenly this idea just appears and hits me, I work it into the fic and it takes it a whole new direction and I end up not being super upset about it because it just…it works! And of course, this is not how other people operate and I have every respect for people who plan and have every detail laid out and figured out and just….completely and utterly planned to the dot. Lile kudos to people who genuinely get the planning all cleaned up before even writing, truly.

I just finalized Agent Mortem’s backstory and where I want his character arc to go and I’ve had him as a character since August of last year LOL! But ya know sometimes, I sit and I think back and go, maybe I wasn’t ready at that time to develop him completely yet because I, the writer, didn’t understand him enough to and I had to write more of him to be able to get a grasp of who he was and his character (and just about everything else!) and that’s okay!!! :)

Going with this idea I just stated above — the 4 or 5 pages of info — KEEP IT MY FRIEND!!! I swear, half the reason ideas even come to me is simply because I just write a big info dump that has all my little ideas somewhere inside and will ALWAYS be there. I recommend maybe taking a day though - away from focusing on writing or editing - and just picking that apart. (That’s what I did the other day and it helped me out MAJORLY! and it was worth it in the end!) Maybe keep the original 4-5 pages and then copy and paste the same thing in another doc so you always have the original!

And then just go through and split ideas apart! If you start reading and see it moving into another realm of headspace of ideas, just press enter and separate the two — you didn’t delete it, it’s still there and still intact! It’s just easier to look at now because instead of two, jumbled and completely different ideas, you now have two paragraphs and portions of text that relate to their own respective idea. It definitely makes it an easier pill to swallow when trying to get yourself organized!!

This really helped me when I was in my beginning stages of figuring out Landslide ESPECIALLY the first 17ish chapter where Natia was not in contact with Easy yet. I’ve explained it before but those chapters are there because we are seeing her final days with the resistance in Warsaw and how she ultimately ends up with Easy PLUS we see who she is as a character by herself and how she is not merely an extension off of Easy, but her own character, her own person. She has her own story and her own morals and ways of going about her life that don’t even relate to Easy. Their paths just happened to cross!! :)

By getting those first 17ish chapters planned, not extreme planning though I will admit, half the scenes were very much thought up on the spot for example like Natia driving to Munich in disguise or the introduction of Zdzich — two very important scenes that show us something about Natia. (1) She’s willing to go to extreme lengths for the people she loves to ensure that in the end they are safe, even if it means sacrificing herself and (2) she has trouble realizing that there are people out there that genuinely care for her, a connection to her ultimate, unruly and upsetting past. And the best part about it is THESE WEREN’T EVEN PLANNED! So sometimes, just let the story take the reigns and your mind and just guide you through it. Sometimes it is for the best :)

If you have your basic ideas and concepts and themes for how you want your fic to eventually go, the scenes for me most of the time just appear I guess when they should. Sometimes even in the times I'm not writing, I sit theorizing and questioning and thinking and developing ideas in my mind and it's a real good exercise, so when you get back to writing, you already know where you want the fic leading in the end!

MAN I LOVE THIS QUESTION. Anytime I can provide some meta or give some insight to Natia who is just one of the best characters I’ve gotten the pleasure of working with, I’ll gladly answer!

The thing I enjoy writing about Natia the most I feel, and I’ll probably always say this, is her complexity — as a writer, her character orders a healthy challenge for me that I gladly have accepted! You don’t know everything about her as a reader and as you read each chapter, that’s how you slowly uncover and discover what she hid about herself to protect herself. There’s so many different aspects of her that I could discuss truly!! (There has been so many parts that I’ve scrapped because I read through and just think “Man this doesn’t seem like Natia!”. She’s tricky sometimes to stake down exactly how she would react because of her past and her trauma and how long she’s been in war, but I just LOVE it!)

Many different aspects of her character though, come from her past and that’s what makes her interesting. I’ve really enjoyed working with the ideology of “Chekov’s Gun”, a writing device that can be used, with how I will mentioned something and it almost might seem out of the blue, yet later it all just makes sense?! When the flashback is revealed or a small portion of her past is finally allowing *light* in. It's a device I've used with Natia that has just really helped to develop her story at the pace I want it to be revealed! :D

For example, the OCEAN is mentioned many times. I make constant reference to the WAVES, the RECESSION of them from time to time, the comparison of the OCEAN both ABOVE and BELOW surface — all of that sorta stuff! For her character, it seems a bit out of place. She’s COLD. She’s NUMB. She’s BROKEN. What does an open body of water consuming at least 70% of the Earth have to do with an OC based in Warsaw, Poland?

This is where the importance of her PAST will play it’s role, as it has a major INFLUENCE on her and her CHARACTER and her MORALS. One of the main reasons the OCEAN is inherently connected to Natia is because of her PAST and one of those main reasons is AGENT MORTEM and her TRAINING, especially WATER training. I can’t comment further on this though as readers have only touched the tip of the iceberg for the use of the OCEAN and it’s IMPORTANCE so far in this fic! (Ask me again about it once this fic is finished up for the most part, unless….by Part 4 readers understand why!)

Natia just remains a character who constantly is developing and changing inside my head - where I want her path to ultimately end up leading by the end of the fic, where I want both her mental head space vs emotional head space should be and etc. So many portions of this fic are dealt specifically on her internal monologue and how she calculates and problem solves from that portion of her sort of *engagement* within the conflict. There never seems to be a dull moment when writing her!

Another thing I really have enjoyed about writing Natia is her clashing personality traits that make her interesting to write in both different scenarios and reactions. She's stubborn yet humble. She's numb and cold but internally extremely caring and giving and filled with these bottled up emotions. She's mentally strong yet she's been through so much and let the war take so much. She never complains about what she's doing, but she's lost nearly everyone she loves. She's a fighter in this war and refuses to back down from a battle she know she can wage, but the second she is pulled from the aspect of war, things crash and burn around her. Just even these few combating sort of things, really show her character and what, through writing, has slowly developed! They always lay around in the back of my mind and it's one of the main things I remind myself when I write Natia all the tme.

I think one of the most important things I've learned from both writing and creating a character like Natia is that (1) it's okay to ask for help, about anything, literally anything. You don't have to confine everything to yourself and build up this immense pressure to do what you must to continue moving forward. It's okay to have people there to help you and support you. (2) It's okay to be strong alone and even if you seem to be the only one on the current path you're are on, it does not mean you are wrong. it can still lead to the right destination in the end!

Oooo okay! AGENT MORTEM!! I am totally down to chat about some things I've loved to write with him with and some challenges I've discovered, but as far as what I've learned from him, I will be holding off and could answer that when the entire fic is both completed and then updated on platforms....just because ;) don't want to give away any spoilers haha! <3

Something I've enjoyed about writing and crafting Agent Mortem is letting him remain as mysterious and secretive as he is for so long. Initially, I can't even begin to recall what his character would be like even a year ago, but seeing where he has developed now, I'm really happy with where he is. He's mysterious, he's shadowed, he seems like a figure in the background, a past mentor who is half deranged and lost his mind with a background with so substance. It makes for such a fascinating way to begin to reveal his past! (something I've began to insert into part 4 of Landslide and man I'm just so HYPE!)

I feel I'm excited simply because he's finally getting the time and moment he deserves to finally explain and show himself as to what has occurred. There's so many fractured and disconnected parts of what is currently going on with Natia and her connection to both Agent Mortem and then Death is tossed in the mix and it seems this big complicated mess of 'how' Agent Mortem got to be this way, 'why' he does a thing such as this, just different and varying aspects such as that. it makes for those big final reveals to all be even more worth it!

He has been quite the challenge though I will admit. There's so many perspectives he could quite possibly be viewed from and his *character* + morals/values could be pulled in a various amount of ways as well. Making sure he accurately comes across the way I want him to both appear and come across to the reader and to myself has definitely been tricky. He's not as easy as suspected, you know, not just a 'dude who had a bad day and went insane in the end', there's a whole multitude of levels and reasons and a deep, heavy and traumatizing background starting from his birth really (which is a whole other story). Managing and balancing that all in one has definitely been something I've had to keep on top of and monitor but I feel has really been worth the challenge in the end. Because at the end of the day, I'm someone looking to constantly challenge myself.

And a good challenge, whether it be writing or academics or a workout, is healthy and GOOD! That's what Landslide in a whole has really shown me, to challenge yourself daily to see where you can push yourself and your imagination and creativity, just to see where you can even go!! it's exciting and refreshing!

Thank you so much for this wonderful ask Rose! I appreciate it more than ANYTHING as you well know, and I know it's taken me *quite* some time to answer, but I've been working on it for weeks now and finally got it out because it was ready! I really wanted to take my time with it and develop it to its full potential in the end and I feel I have (without giving away any spoilers haha!) As always, please know if you have any further questions regarding Natia Filipska, Agent Mortem, Death (along with other characters of Landslide), writing, the process (my own included), tips for writing/planning, or just anything else in general, I will always be happy to help in anyway I can! You're always welcome, anyone always is!!! <3333 Thank you again, I had so much fun doing this more than anything! :D

#writing #writing tips #band of brothers #bob fic #band of brothers fic #also hello landslide day tmr and it’s a good one hehe :d #natia filipska #agent mortem #death (character)#basic aid on characters + writing/planning #plus gathering thoughts #thank you again for this rose! i had so much fun! <3333

9 notes · View notes

cowboypossume · 4 years ago

Text

so i reread keeper of the lost cities and here’s my fresh input:

a note before we begin: you know how people fake throw up at things on tik tok? this book is the reason i now unironically do that.

dex and fitz really have the enemies to lovers troupe going for them and i’m ok with it. i really am.

so do sophie and biana at the beginning but it fizzes out so a better description is enimies to friends to lovers

marhella and stina give me such power top energy i cannot express how much i think that contributes to people not liking them

speaking of stina i wish sophie didn’t just immediately hop onto the bandwagon of “oh she’s evil” without investing further, especially with how much she is written as a ‘good’ person (which i can and will defend to the day i die that good people don’t exist but that’s for a different day).

there’s way too much heteronormativity and Patriarchical Ideas mushed into the book. like three hole pages of a 488 page book of teenagers being like “oooooo girls like guys and guys like girls” only for della to join in. not to mention the amount of times keefe is the reason for those ideas because he’s teasing like “oh fitz has a girlfriend”

keefe and fitz didn’t have as many bonding moments™️ in this book as i remember, but they stil know each other really well, have comfortability around each other, and would make a 10/10 best friends to lovers troupe.

oh my god s o many crushes i swear. like two teenagers of the opposite gender really can’t not like each other apperantly

i miss read a line and really thought there was cannon sexism for me to do a whole ass rant about in the notes part of my analyzation but n o p e

but we do have classism, sexist stereotypes, and the fact that there’s been SO many characters who’ve spoken and ✨��far too many of them are white🌺✨

oh also: no ones disabled. which annoys me because their society is described as ‘euptopic’ almost implying that it’s something that makes people problematic, which,,,, no

ok a side note on the society, i understand that the story’s message (kinda) is that things that seem perfect are probably deeply flawed, but something tergan said stuck with me. on a page i can’t remember at the moment he says something like “[the black swan exists] in a society that doesn’t have rebels”, which it suck with me bc that’s boarderline dystopic if it’s not there already. it’s one thing for laws not to be broken, but when you think your society is so perfect despite it having obvious flaws and you think that no one rebels, then i really hate to break it to you, you have a massive rebellion about to occur; it’s just scented as foul under your resplendent nose.

please stop flirting. i get its part of teenagers being teens but i swear if i read “s/he realeased a breath” or “their heart fluttered” or literally ANYTHING like that god no.

yall. i missed dex. he actually has more role in this book than ‘you can gadget and we need one’ and oh boy i really missed him. he’s a BEAN and deserves better.

hole’s said everyone deserves better and i absolutely agree so we’re adding that note here.

if you do what i did and read this book out loud to one of your best friends who has no clue anything about this weird fandom and give fitz a really deep voice for no reason it’s comdy GOLD.

i really think i’m reading too much into this point but iggy seems,,,, symbolic to me?

like ok with humans, sophie didn’t ‘fit in’, right? like she grew up hearing things like “why can’t you be normal like your sister” (which i can do a whole other rant about how that will affect her for the rest of her life just a s k)

not to mention looking really different from her family and graduating high school at age twelve

but you know who never judged her?

m a r t y

so anyway sophie meets this teal-eyed, movie star smiled wonder boy who takes away her entire knowledge of everything she’s known while taking away her family too

and it turns out even in a place of weirdos she still manages to be the exception to everything

and she doesn’t have the comfort to hear what people are really thinking about her anymore (which as i said before say the word and i’ll deadass write a whole speech about how everything she heard will completely fuck up every relationship she has) which unfortunately means that she grew used to confirming people didn’t like her but now she doesn’t have that

she has to adapt to this new space and feel like she’s always felt, like an outcast in a place that was accepting, but yet again, she the exception to everything

but about halfway through the book she starts to become more comfortable around grady and edaline and that’s when iggy comes in

she finds him while cleaning garbage, and grady compliments her. they have a bonding moment and it’s because of this t h i n g. and then sophie actually feels proud not only does she take up a room, but she did something

and her new parents are proud of her

so she finally feels like she BELONGS because she helped out at the place where she lives/they work

to me it seems iggy is kinda a manifesto of the world building and character development that happens in this book

i think the plot/character arc is fixated a little too much on how different sophie is. like, i get it, she’s exception to everything, but the plot really didn’t need her to be that quirky. yes, she’s different, but there’s a lot more to the plot and her character than how different she is.

also, i had to reread pages a lot bc i needed an exact paragraph number and,,,, it’s really paced like a fanfic

some questions i have about the society is:

it’s established that they use books, physical papers, etc., and the only thing i remember about trees is the speech alden gave her about how she doesn’t know the name of their most popular tree, and the fact that people become trees when they die. even then i don’t think the second one is in this book. never o n c e do i remember something about planting trees that aren’t dead elf’s, so do they feel the affects of deforestation and that jazz?? like if they use trees, will they run out of them? can they??? and do they use the coffins of elf’s for paper??

this is more of a rant than a question, but here it goes anyway. in foxfire, students have a testing system very similar to the one in america: a huge test at the end of the year determines the future of a student. that in of itself doesn’t sound too drastic, right? well,,,,, not necessarily. several studies have shown that tests in general, but especially these types, don’t work. despite how good or bad of a teacher i think my past and current teachers have been, every single one of them hates this system that we have in place. they know it’s an unfair assessment that does it’s damnist to make you fail, and they’re trying so hard to denounce it. however, that doesn’t happen at all in the lost cities. in fact, most of the teachers pride themselves on failing students. so if elf’s are in such an advanced society, why do tests still exist? especially in an environment where the consequences are far greater than just staying back a grade.

so sophie’s figuring out that major problems exist in the world the elf’s created, right? i wonder if more society structured problems exist more than ‘oh bad people do things and the law justifies which is what’. like, as i’ve previously stated, there’s sexist stereotypes presented (like girls like dresses and guys don’t), but does sexism still exist? does racism exist? it’s established that poverty isn’t a thing because of the fund elf’s have at birth and their limited usage of money (which if you understand please explain bc i don’t really get how they buy stuff but still don’t use money) but if someone gets shipped off to exile, do they lose their money? is it possible for elf’s to starve to death because they can’t afford food? do they pay for food?? if they did starve who would they call? because someone on this website, who’s post i tried to find but i couldn’t so if y’all know what i’m talking about please link it, brought up a good point that elwin is a school physician, he shouldn’t be dealing with the near-death experiences sophie has, so who would they turn to? especially if they don’t have access to foxfire because they got exciled??

is therapy a thing in this world? sophie and dex could really benefit from it, yet mental health has only been brought up when someone went insane, which REALLY shows how little they think about it.

that perfectly transitions into my next point: sophie and dex’s trauma. i really don’t get the vibe that there was much thought going into their kidnapping, other than sophie needed something to trigger her inflecting ability and establish the black swan are on the good side, which really sucks because wow trauma doesn’t happen lightly. and the fact that it happened seems rushed to me, but i’ll come back to that. but anyway, their trauma doesn’t get developed that deeply in this book because it wasn’t given the space to. they were beaten, tortured, starved, gagged, and who even knows what else for t e n d a y s, only for them to find them again, repeat the process, but someone saves them and dumps them into an illegal city and they both nearly die from dehydration, coldness, and lack of concentration, and you’re telling me after three days of conscious of bed rest sophie wants to get her failing out of school over with? ma’am, it takes more time than that to adjust to THAT alone, not to mention the realization that “hey your entire life is fake because people genetically altered you to be their weapon in a war so much bigger than yourself” that was recently dumped on her. like,,,, you really expect me to think that three days is what made her feel prepared and CONFIDENT? no sir. i don’t buy it.

coming back to it being rushed: the book starts out slow and then really hits the ground running and doesn’t stop. so much more stuff happens in the second half of the book than the first and it never gets fully developed it feels like. in the first half sophie moves away but gets a new family and struggles a bit but adapts, fires maybe but hey don’t worry about it, dex hates fitz, fitz is ✨d r e a m y ✨ but our main girl doesn’t like him like that, right?, stina’s a bitch, and sophie is a quirky girl and telepath but can’t tell anyone. pretty basic stuff, not too plot intensive. the second half though: sophie almost fails her midterms but doesn’t, grady and elaine want to unadopt her (which that’s never really explained as to why they do that but ok) fires exist in san degio but they’re fine but they’re actually a rebel elf so..., sophie accidentally breaks a law but it was an accident so it’s fine, update on the fires: sophie burns herself trying to get the evidence that it’s a rebel elf and it works, she’s the moon lark and basically a weapon bc no one knows her well enough to evaluate her safety, sophie and dex get kidnapped but fitz can now transmit to her and she has two new abilities so it’s all good, trauma doesn’t exist except for nightmare you can fix with sedatives, sophie doesn’t fail out of school, and yayyy her family doesn’t want her remove their adoption. there’s probably a lot more that i missed, it’s just that’s a LOT of stuff crammed into a little bit further than the second half of the book that really could have been devolped or explore further instead of forcing into less than 244 pages, ya know?

fitz’s eyes are mentioned seven times, the first time being on page TWO of the novel

his smile is mentioned three times

alden says “no reason to worry” five times, he writes it once, and sophie points out he says it a lot so he chances it slightly to something like ‘don’t stress about it’ so i didn’t count those though i should have

speaking of alden, in this book he’s absolutely creepy, but something that stands out to me is how much he calls sophie girl. i didn’t count it, but he said “that’s a good girl” to sophie too many times for it to be normal especially when you consider how he doesn’t do it to anyone else.

i kinda forgot i was annotating for sophie’s anxious habit of pulling out her eyelashes so i got she did it twice, but i highly doubt that number

but i will keep adding to this when i actually do the words with my annotations.

37 notes · View notes

captain-azoren · 4 years ago

Text

Legend of Korra books 3 & 4

Finished rewatching books 3 and 4 of Korra. Here on my thoughts on them and the series as a whole after seeing it again after so many years.

I think books 3 and 4 are pretty solid. Aside from a few flaws, I think 3 is the overall best with the best pacing. I think a big issue with book 2 was that it was trying and failing to juggle a very big cast and multiple subplots that made it feel like a mess. That’s not an issue with 3 or 4, where every character has a relevant purpose and plot threads come together more naturally.

4 does this a little bit worse as I think the plot kind of starts and stops a couple of times, but it’s not terrible. Kuvira’s build up as a villain is very shaky when compared to Amon and Zaheer, but still better than Unalaq’s arc going down the drain. It really does seem like the worst parts of her villainy are told and not shown (those being the reeducation camps and slave labor). I think they could have shown at least one of these camps instead of just seeing the escapees that Varrick and Bolin meet.

I still think the Red Lotus are the best antagonists in LoK just for having the best arc overall. They had Amon’s intrigue, stayed consistent in their motivations like Kuvira, and they have the most dimensions overall just from the little bits of interaction we see of them. What’s more, they didn’t disappoint me in the end.

The Colossus I didn’t mind or find out of place. It just doesn’t bother me when the show has had Koizilla and giant drills in AtLA. I can understand how the mechanics of it work as well. I didn’t feel like my suspension of disbelief was broken considering everything else. I think fans who dislike it are more bothered by it breaking the setting further away from fantasy and into sci-fi.One question though, why does a spirit energy canon need a rifled barrel?

Mako is a much better character in 3 and 4 because he’s finally allowed to be someone other than a love interest. His interactions with Bolin can be really fun and it’s kind of a shame how often they’re separated. I also noticed on a rewatch that he does make a good detective, having good perception and coming up with ideas. It’s better than the pro-bender he started out as and probably his best strength.

I think I actually like Mako now whereas before he was the most forgettable, and I think he deserves some looking into. A lot of the hate comes from him being put into really tough spots where he just can’t win. Mako goes from being extremely aloof to being a loyal but beleaguered straight man to the group.

Raiko I feel similarly to Mako. I think he’s another guy who keeps getting put into tough spots with no easy solution. He doesn’t really deserve hate either, and honestly probably made the best decisions he could as a president (I know from experience how bad they can be...) Him being hated and voted out in the comics seem like Bryke was over correcting, something they seem to do a lot.

Suyin I have mixed feelings on. She really does seem like someone Bryke really wanted fans to like and agree with, but they shilled her a bit too much and at the expense of Lin. Su’s apology to Lin at the end of their dispute felt kind of half-hearted, and despite being justified, the whole thing is framed as Lin being the one in the wrong, stuck in the past, unable to move on after Su had changed. We don’t see Su change though, and Su keeps acting like what she did wasn’t that big a deal, so it falls flat.

What’s more, Su continues being a big presence into book 4, and I think I have to agree with Kuvira that Su should have at least done something to help the EK out. It really does make Su come off as kind of a cowardly hypocrite who’s so afraid of looking like a dictator that she doesn’t even try to help. She doesn’t want to be treated like royalty or an authoritarian, but if you look at Zaofu the place is already set up like a small kingdom, with the Beifongs being the divine bloodline descended from Toph, the strongest bender to ever live. Su is a queen in all but name, and if she was so afraid of looking like a dictator she could have just given up the power like Kuvira was supposed to have done. Su just rubs me the wrong way from start to finish, and it’s partly because the show doesn’t challenge her or make her change. It just expects us to see her as being right, and she just isn’t.

Bolin being a lava bender I remember being really excited for, because it was something I predicted when I first saw it years ago. I don’t have a problem with how he discovered it. It’s not the best way I’d like see someone discover a new power, but I think it’s better than when Korra finally got airbending (though that didn’t bother me too much either). It just kind of made sense to me and finally gave something else to stand out besides comic relief.

The air kids got better in 3 and 4 too. Meelo got less annoying, Jinora was more fleshed out, and I actually really like Ikki in book 4.

Now Korra and Asami. I think Korra is maybe at her most static in book 3, but her arc in book 4 is the most interesting as she had to build herself back up. I don’t agree with some of the things that are just told to the viewer, like how she needed to learn from her enemies. At the finale Korra says she had to suffer to learn compassion, but it’s not like Korra wasn’t a compassionate person already. Korra’s arc seemed more centered on dealing with trauma and finding her purpose in a world that seemed hellbent on telling her she wasn’t needed. I don’t know if that was some kind of meta commentary, but it does work.

I do like Korra’s overall development from where she was in book 1. If I had to put it into words, I think her story is about trying to fulfill a role that she’s been groomed for her whole life, trying to live up to expectations, pushed into doing what others want her to do, failing those things, then finding the strength and resolve to achieve success on her own terms, even if it’s not what everyone wants. Korra gradually learns to stop being a tool for world leaders to use to keep order or power. It’s not always done well, but it’s there.

It’s nice to see her and Asami be friends after the love triangle stuff. It’s kind of surprising, but they didn’t really interact all that much in the first two books all things considered. Asami doesn’t change a whole lot throughout the series, but her reconnecting with her dad at the end felt satisfying.

I’ll be honest, I never really saw Korrasami happening and didn’t view much of their interactions as being romantic in nature. I think only the letter writing and their reunion seems a little shippy, but not very obvious. That said, I can buy the two of them finally realizing they might be attracted to each other at the finale, as a beginning to their relationship. The real problem is that shippers and even Bryke overhyped this moment up as it being ENDGAME rather than treating it as what is was, a spark of attraction. Korra and Asami aren’t in love yet, they’re just going on their first official date.

I do like them being together though. It seems a lot healthier than other potential relationships, and let’s be real here; Asami NEEDED something to make her happy because holy shit has she be through a lot by the end of the series. Dumped by Mako twice, almost lost her company and lost her dad after she forgave him. Give the poor rich girl a break.

So, final thoughts on the series as a whole; it’s not as good as AtLA, but that’s mostly on the execution. LoK was messy and had issues, but it did eventually smooth things out after a lot of course correcting. There are things I don’t like, but not enough for me to write it off, and it has plenty of strengths that make it deserving of a watch if you keep an open mind.

I remember ThunderCats 2011 getting a lot of flak too, and that’s one of my favorite shows ever despite its glaring flaws, so I really can’t work up the energy to trash LoK. I know plenty of people can connect to it even if I don’t, at least not fully, and I honestly do believe that overall LoK’s strengths outweigh its flaws, even if it can be inconsistent and unpolished.

LoK may take place in the same world as AtLA, but it is a very fundamentally different series, and beyond a few very core basics of storytelling I think it’s a little unfair to compare the two. It’s not the masterpiece it could have been, but at the end I still enjoyed it. I might have more thoughts later, but these are what I have for now.

#Legend of Korra #The Legend of Korra #lok #tlok #korra #mako #bolin #asami #asami sato #korrasami

15 notes · View notes

obeymehana · 5 years ago

Text

Unforgivable (Belphegor x f!MC)

this story covers the aftermath of chapter 16 so please make sure you play through to that point before reading the story!

belphie may seem a little out of character, but i think they moved on too quickly from chapter 16 to chapter 17 without covering the repercussions between belphie and mc, so i sought to cover this with this story.

please do not steal my story! :)

type: belphegor x f!mc, angst

—

In this cruel place in the Devildom, it was not as if he had any claim to be angry. These irrational, painful emotions building within him were becoming impossible to ignore. It bothered him. After what he did, he could not expect her to be forgiving, much less understanding. Few would could his actions kind, many would call it one, simple word.

Unforgivable.

It was obvious, he already knew it. Stupidity was not a part of his skill set, unlike his second eldest brother. If he already understood this, why did he seem so desperate to get on her good side? It appeared that she was slipping out of his grasp. Once a human he lured to the room in the attic, she was now known as the descendant of Lilith. Lilith was so close to him, yet so far. She was disappearing, even though she had been found again. The red string that tied them together was pulling thin, soon to be little to no connection between them.

Belphegor had made a grave mistake. If the sins of his monstrous act could pull him any deeper into the depths of Hell, it would have by now. Although a part of this horrible situation had been fixed, there was hesitation within his family to let them completely by their side again.

What a lonely feeling.

One of the few things Belphegor did expect was that since he started acting kinder to her, (Y/N) would come around. She would see how sincere he could be, how he could apologize for wronging her, and all could be forgiven. However, it seemed like every act he did to beg for atonement was met with a form of silence.

It was almost as if she went out of her way to ignore him. He hated it. Everytime it happened, those feelings within his chest would stir and the realm around him felt blurry. Madness, how could he not charm one simple human after spending centuries around them? Every smile that touched his lips was greeted with a look of fear. Every attempt to beckon her over to chat was only a chance for her to run into the arms of another brother. Every hug, to pull her soft, warm body into his arms was met with stiffened, yet trembling limbs until a brother, the angels, or Lord Diavolo himself removed her from the situation.

She feared him.

To see someone who looked at him with such comforting eyes to now look at him once more in fear, anxiety, and possibly hatred. It was as if nothing he did was enough to remedy what had happened. How could it?

He had already stolen her precious life with his own two hands.

‘Murderer!’ His thoughts taunted. Deep, purple eyes watching the way (Y/N) interacted with Lucifer in the hallway. It was morning time, with merely an hour left before all demons plus one human were to arrive at the academy. He took the time to notice every detail about her, some which he had failed to notice before. The way her curves suited her nicely; uniform all neat with a cute, lavender bow tied around the collar of her shirt, and her phone in one of her hands, carrying a small, cute charm. Had she always been this sweet?

The pair had failed to notice him, as he was hidden around the corner, watching the interaction play out. It was clear at this point how much she cared about the other brothers over him. What a bright smile, seeming to light up the whole hallway as she listened to Lucifer’s plans for a student council meeting later today. Belphegor’s eyes narrowed as he saw (Y/N)’s hand rest on Lucifer’s arm, just below his elbow.

Lucifer was not always one for physical contact, yet he seems oddly comfortable with (Y/N)’s touch.

If Belphegor was the avatar of different sin, at that current moment, he would be filled with envy. Jealousy? Him? It felt confusing, but he could recognize this feeling after years of seeing his own older brother react in a similar fashion. ‘That should be me’, his thoughts spoke one more, his grip on the wall tightening, almost cracking the drywall itself. Not that it was hard though, it was an old house. The point still remained, the eldest was simply in the way of what was his, of what he wanted to achieve.

As usual.

There was Lilith’s descendant, standing right in front of him, only a few feet away. There she was, glowing, smiling, and seemed to remind him of a firefly in the night. Bringing just a small bit of peace and harmony to the darkness of his inner world.

Fireflies are never easy to catch.

(Y/N) would constantly be forever out of his reach until he figured out the right step, the right words, and the right actions to take. It was a tricky combination to unlock the path of forgiveness. What could it be? What did he have to do to regain that warmth he had lost? No he hadn’t lost it.

He had crushed it alive.

Belphegor shifted away from his thoughts to watch the pair part. (Y/N) turned to go to the dining hall. This was his chance, to try and make amends once more. He stepped out from the corner and sauntered down the hall, trailing not that far behind her. However, it seemed another demon had plans for him. When he felt that gloved hand on his shoulder, he could only stop and glare at his oldest brother, Lucifer. “What?” He asked, eyes narrowed and tone venomous. Lucifer returned the gesture, nails digging into Belphegor’s shoulder.

“What attempt will you make today to drive her into a state of panic?” Lucifer questioned, but it seemed to be more of a rhetorical question. Belphegor tried to shrug him off, yet his grip was as tight as ever. If the uniform was not there to separate him between his skin, he would certain there would be blood trickling down his shoulder. He began to speak, “I haven’t harmed her since-”

“-since you murdered her.” Lucifer finished, his own chilling, venomous glare sending chills into Belphegor’s spine. It silenced him for a moment, allowing the thick tension to grow. It was suffocating. The eldest brother spoke once more, “What you fail to understand about humans, even after your years of obsession, is that they were not bound to the same things that you and I might be.” He paused, allowing his lesson to sink in. It didn’t help the tension.

He continued, “If they are wounded by a situation, do you believe they are always likely to return to the same moment that brought them a world of pain?” Lucifer’s scowl was more than evident. Belphegor’s shame was beginning to overwhelm him as it had did the first time he realized the weight of what he had done. He gave a small shake of the head, eyes flickering to face the wall rather than look at his brother.

“So why would you force this human to accept someone who has gravely wounded her?” His words stung, cutting into the emotions of the youngest brother. The one with the biggest crime above his head right now. The guilt would never escape, no matter what he did. To feel her lifeless body, crumbling beneath. The last gasp of air, turning into a pale shade of blue as he ripped away her life. The senses from that moment running through his mind over and over again. Then there was the worst of it, dragging her body to the entrance hall, down those wooden stairs.

Dumping her into full view of his brothers. Lifeless, bruised, beaten. Dead. Although the trauma was still there, for both of them. He would never forget it, seeing her alive again, while her dead body rested in Mammon’s arms. He had failed his objective, the sins weighing upon him. He thought back to Diavolo explaining (Y/N)’s lineage.

He remembered his heart sinking, the room spinning, and the carpet beneath his knees. The string of apologies. The cries of his sister’s name leaving his lips. Cradling (Y/N) in his arms, begging her not to leave again. He hadn’t been the only one who had sobbed ungracefully, but he was the cause of it all.

So much pain, by him.

Could it be time to let (Y/N) go? To let Lilith go? No, that meant forgetting them. He couldn’t do that, it was the reason all of his had happened in the first place. He never wanted to forget Lilith, and he would never want to forget (Y/N). She had always been one of the reasons for his freedom, he owed her this much to try and redeem himself in her eyes. Anger bubbled inside him, reminding him why he had gotten locked up in the first place, but he couldn’t raise a hand to Lucifer again. Purple nails of his only dug into his own palms, surely to leave small scars later.

“What do I do?” Belphegor asked, after minutes had passed. It didn’t feel like it, but Lucifer had seen him go through a range of emotions. Sadness, remorse, anger, acceptance. Lucifer did not give a response right away, causing Belphegor to grit his teeth and dig his nails deeper into his palms. “Answer me, you bastard!” He cursed, becoming annoyed. “How do I fix this, Lucifer?”

“You can’t always fix it.” Lucifer replied, figuring out the right words to say. “The trauma of what you’ve done…is unforgivable.”

There it is again. That stupid word. It matched perfectly to everything that had happened.

Unforgivable.

“If she chooses to let you back in again,” Lucifer said, removing his hand from Belphegor’s shoulder, staring him down, “It will be by her own terms, not yours.”

Belphegor backed away once he felt Lucifer’s hand leave. He couldn’t look at him anymore. “…I’m going to breakfast.” It was the only response he could give before turning on his heel and resuming his walk down the hall. By now, (Y/N) was in the dining hall with the others. Laughing, talking, being happy with the others. It sickened him knowing he could not do that with her. He could feel his shoulders sink and head held low, gazing into the carpet beneath his feet.

Lucifer did not chase after.

As soon as Belphegor entered the dining hall, the chatter of his siblings was cut short. As expected. The clenching of his fists couldn’t be any tighter, and he swore he could feel the blood trickling slightly down his hand. Had they completely forgiven him? Of course not, he knew that. Maybe there had been hugs and welcome backs in his first few moments of freedom, but any sympathy had run dry by now. They began to make their excuses to leave, finding their way towards the door.

He waited for (Y/N) to leave too. He thought over Lucifer’s words. He couldn’t continue to force her to accept him, it would only drive her away. Yet thinking of it brought this own unforgivable feeling within his heart. What would he tell her anyways that she didn’t already know? Sleeping now only brought back those vivid moments, and he couldn’t wake up from the nightmares. He was always tired, but now he felt exhausted.

No sleep at this point would be enough, the pain was too much.

Belphegor had settled into his own chair when he heard Asmodeus’ voice ring out across the dining hall, “(Y/N), dear! Are you leaving with us?”

“Today, I will stay and eat with Belphegor.” Those seven words caused his head to snap up and look at her. There was a small smile on her face, although it wasn’t directed at him. It was for Asmodeus, to reassure him that she would be fine, but they all knew she was visibly trembling. In her eyes, there was a kindness he hadn’t seen in awhile. He knows that gaze and soft tone isn’t for him, but he can’t help but imagine it is.

Heart soaring, he wondered what had happened to finally bring her this close to him? She was across the table, just out of reach by hand, but this was the closest she sat by him since his crime. Had he finally done something right? Words from Lucifer trickled into his mind, and that soaring feeling faded as soon as it came.

“It’s okay,” Belphegor said, looking off to the side, “I don’t want to make you late for class.” He couldn’t bring herself to look at her gaze, afraid of her running away once more if he did. What a fragile human, and at the same time, so stubborn. He focused on filling his plate with whatever was left. It wasn’t much, that was no surprise. Lucifer soon came into the dining hall to rush them along.

“It’s time for you all to head to school, isn’t it?” His tone was stern, causing the last of his brothers to make a break for the entrance door. Lucifer’s view turned to (Y/N), glancing her over to make sure she was alright. They all knew she was scared, but attempting to overcome her own fears. There was not much they could do to change her mind, she was simply determined. Whether it was to finally piece together the rift between her and Belphegor, each one of them had acknowledged one fact.

Something had to be done.

Lucifer did not fully understand her intentions, but allowed her to continue with what she was doing. As long as she was in class on time. He strode past her, his hand brushing slightly over her shoulder before he too made his way for the door. The clicking of his shoes faded as the pair heard the door close behind him.

Once it was just the two, Belphegor let out a sigh. “My brothers..it’s not the same as it was before you came here.” He commented, still refusing to look at her, even if he wanted to. His view turned from the side to his plate, fork picking at his food. He wasn’t hungry, he just craved to be in her proximity. “After all that’s happened, we can’t go back to normal.” There was a frown on his face, but neither said anything about it. “It is my fault,” He owned up to it, “For every action I have done, I have hurt you.”

He could not forgive himself until she did.

“I haven’t forgiven you for it.”

There it was, her response. He could almost laugh in the irony of the situation. How did he expect anything to be different this time? (Y/N) was right there, but she would be always out of reach, no matter how close she looked. Her scent, her face, her voice, he could sense it all. It gave him a longing he couldn’t release. He knew what had been done was unforgivable, but he chose to believe otherwise. Had he always been beyond redemption?

How badly he wanted to pull her back into his arms, and just fall asleep, her by his side. Maybe then the nightmares of her death would stop. Possibly Lilith’s too. He wanted to remember them both, but how long could he go in this state of exhaustion? Always tired, but sleep never being fulfilling. Even that plush pillow he carried everywhere could no longer bring as much comfort as it used to.

Belphegor scooted his chair back, “I know.” His voice came out almost in a hoarse whisper. He was ready to leave, not thinking his heart could take anymore. He froze when he heard her next few words, stopping him in his tracks.

“Yet,” (Y/N) continued, eyes staring directly at him. Bright, beautiful, serene. He could finally look at her. Her fists were trembling, but she stood proud. “I believe if there is ever a chance to fully restore peace, I need to learn to coincide with you.”

He was taken aback by her sentence, unsure of what to say. Eyes were wide. “What does that mean, (Y/N)?” He asked, breathless, after a few seconds of silence passed between them. “You…want to be near me?”

“No.” Her response was harsh.

(Y/N) could only take a shaky breath, setting her hands on the table, stilling herself. “You used me.” She spoke, bringing her eyes to glare at the table. “You murdered me. You only accepted me for my lineage and not once for who I was personally.” Bitterness was laced in her tone. Now her legs shook, and she appeared like she was going to cry. She was getting louder.

“I will forever be scared by what you have done to me.” Her eyes closed shortly before reopening, it didn’t help hold back the tears. “I can still feel you choking me, it haunts me every night.” She slammed her fists down on the table, making Belphegor jump with her sudden actions. She had never been this violent before. “You betrayed me when all I did was try to release you and fix your broken relationship with your brothers!” (Y/N) yelled, and fell into her chair, unable to stop the stream of tears.

“Things will never be the same, Belphegor.” His heart cracked, hearing her say that. Moving swiftly, he came over to her, kneeling next to her. “(Y/N).” He said her name, a hand reaching out to her, but she smacked it away. “But, I know how much you mean to your brothers…and at one point how much you meant to me.”

How much she meant to him? What did she mean? Was he a part of her life more than he had thought before he had stolen her life? He did use her for his own gain, but their time in the attic, it had meant something more to her. He ruined it.

“(Y/N).” He said her name again, and instead of reaching out with one hand, he buried his face in her lap, hands grasping her wrists so she wouldn’t push him away. Her skirt became stained with his own tears. “I fucked up.” He told her, remaining in this same position. “I fucked up!” He yelled this time, hoping it could reach her.

“Let go of me, Belphe-”

“No.” He replied, becoming stubborn like her. He brought his head up slightly, just enough for her to see the pained expression behind his eyes. “I did use you, and I hurt you. It’s unforgivable.” He took a breath, trying to find his words, “These actions will never be atoned for, I know this now. Yet, you did so much for me. I don’t think I could stand to not have you in my life now.”

“You’re only saying that because I’m Lilith’s descendant.” (Y/N) sobbed out, closing her eyes so she wouldn’t have to look at him. “Let me go.”

“At first, it was only because of that. My sister meant all of the three realms to me. However, you did so much more than you think. You released me from that prison of an attic, reunited me with my brothers, and reunited me with Lilith. You showed empathy for me when I was at a point when I was beyond that. I fucked it up, but please, (Y/N).” He rested his face back in her lap, his grip on her wrists remaining as tight as ever.

“I can’t rest without knowing you’re okay now. I know I’m always tired, I am the avatar of Sloth after all, but I’m beyond tired.” What were these mixed emotions within him? He wanted to coincide peacefully, he knew it was the best course of action, but he wanted more than that. He wasn’t sure exactly of these feelings stirring within him, but they would remain unsettled if he and she were to simply be acquaintances.

“I’m exhausted. These nightmares I have, they’re the same as yours.” He was remorseful, and never wanted to let her go. “I dream of what I’ve done, and it hurts. I cannot apologize more. I don’t know how to make it up to you, I don’t know what to do to change anything between us.”

(Y/N) was silent, and so was Belphegor. They remained in that silence until both of their breathing had calmed down. “I want you to protect me.” She said, almost in a whisper. Her eyes were puffy, and her wrists hurt from his death-like grasp. She had known he was trying to make up with her, but what had happened gave her a horrible anxiety.

Seeing him like this though, weak, kneeling, gave her this sense of relief. He didn’t have this horrible chokehold on her anymore. In fact, he was groveling for her to forgive him. She had assumed he had tried to move past it like the other brothers had, assuming she would be okay despite what had happened. She wasn’t, and she didn’t know when she would be okay.

Nevertheless, she could try.

“Protect you?” He asked, his grip loosening. He didn’t have much strength to keep her pinned down for long. She was able to free a hand, and instead of using it to free her other hand, she rested it on top of his head. “Protect me.” She confirmed, “From the demons who want to harm me, from risks I might take, and protect me from these nightmares I also have.” She stroked his hair lightly, her mind flashing back to their times in the attic.

When he would lazily fall asleep by the door, waiting for her to return with updates on the status of her pacts with the brothers. She would sometimes stick her hand through the metal bars of the door, just to pat his head. That small moment brought peace to her, even though it left a sour taste in her mouth now.

Perhaps that could be fixed. He moved his head away, and looked in her eyes, making sure she saw every expression on his face. “(Y/N), we are not in a pact yet, but I will protect you.” He said, “I will protect you from the demons who want to harm you, from the risks you will take to protect my brothers and I, and from the nightmares you have, even the ones I have caused you.” He smiled slightly, giving his best look of sincerity.

Normally, he hated mushy moments, but this was needed. He was fatigued constantly over the stress of what happened, and they both needed to heal to recover.

“I’ll never forgive you for the past, Belphegor.” (Y/N) spoke, not ceasing her motions with his hair, “But, I hope the future we have together will be more peaceful.”

Belphegor hoped so too. He returned to resting his head on her lap, closing his eyes. He was sleepy, and she felt like the perfect pillow now. How could she be so kind? He didn’t truly understand it, but he had a promise to keep now. She began to zone out too, noticing her shaking had decreased to a point where it was barely visible.

Lucifer would come home later that day to find out the pair had never gone to class, but were curled up together in the dining hall. Belphegor’s head resting on her thighs, hands on her hips. One of (Y/N)’s hands was on Belphegor’s head, the other on her own lap, near Belphegor’s face. What a peaceful look they had, appearing after this bout of fear and anxiety.

Belphegor had committed an unforgivable act, but he will make it up to her.

He will protect his human.

194 notes · View notes

starspatter · 4 years ago

Text

Heroes and Thieves, Ch. 15

Title: Heroes and Thieves Fandom/Universe: BTAS, pre/post-RotJ flashback

Summary: A story about second chances, healing, and having hope.

Rating: PG-13, for references to character death, child psychological torture and trauma.

Genre: Romance/Family/Friendship/Hurt/Comfort

Word Count: 4,800 Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

Also on ff.net and AO3. ...I lied.�� This is totally a harem story. *flees*

She held onto my coat that night, like a kid lost in her sleeves Oh we warmed the ground, we hushed our sound We slept on walking feet Oh Darlin’, pardon me Can you help me remember When we were all flying free

-Gregory Alan Isakov, “Living Proof”

————————–

After.

Barbara breathed out as she stood before the large, warehouse-like building, gazing anxiously up at its second floor (and watchful security cameras she knew were installed overhead). The reinforced structure still seemed relatively sound despite the recent disaster. The… original occupant certainly knew how to choose a hideout location and prepare for all potential outcomes. …Must've been a habit he picked up from his previous landlord.

With a wary hand, she buzzed the doorbell.

Sooner than she expected, the entry flew open to reveal an unfamiliar face: a young man with a short crop of mane spiked in the front like flames, similar in color to her own.

"Well hellooo there," he greeted with a wide grin, eyeing his guest up and down. "What can I do you for, miss?"

Barbara stared at him in surprise.

"Er, is Tim home? He… does still live here, right?"

The stranger licked his lips, resting toned muscle casually against the doorframe.

"Who cares about him? What say you and me get to know each other a bit first, as fellow redheads, hm?"

He loomed towards her, admiring her luscious saffron locks. Barbara grimaced, getting ready to give the kid a good taste of a police twist hold (if not taser) – when a voice she recognized interjected from behind.

"She's a cop, Roy. And she used to be Batgirl. I wouldn't try anything if I were you."

Tim emerged beside the other teen, regarding the two dully. Unfortunately the statement only seemed to fuel his friend's lust further.

"Hot damn. You here to arrest me, officer?" He waggled his brows. "Slap some cuffs on me and take me down to the station? I wouldn't mind that on the first date."

"Roy."

"Kidding, kidding. Jeeze, you really have no sense of humor now, do you?" He lowered his limb dejectedly. "Anyway, you didn't tell me you were acquainted with such a gorgeous babe. Ain't you gonna introduce us?"

Tim sighed.

"Roy, meet Officer Barbara Gordon, the Commissioner's daughter and former Batgirl. Babs, this is Roy Harper, a.k.a. Speedy, Green Arrow's ex-sidekick."

"Ex-partner," the other boy corrected. "And it's 'Arsenal' now."

"Whatever. Now could you please give us some privacy?"

"A'ight, I can take a hint to take a hike," Roy smirked with a suggestive wink. "I've got a 'date' myself anyway. I'll leave you two alone. Don't wait up~"

He whistled and growled as he passed by Barbara on the way out, who shot him a dirty look before resuming attention to Tim.

"I see you've been keeping company. Honestly, he's worse than the Flash." (What was it with all the male copperheads she met giving her ginger brand a bad name?)

"We know each other from the Titans," he replied in a dry tone. "He needed a place to stay after Queen kicked him out – again. Dick said it was okay."

Barbara paused.

"You talk to him recently?"

Tim shrugged as he moved aside to allow her in.

"We keep in touch. He calls every so often to check up on… things."

She studied his backside as they started heading upstairs to the loft.

"And? How are 'things'?

"Fine."

She glanced around the interior of the room as they approached the top; it looked pretty much the same as she remembered. There was the ornate wall of Asian-styled checkered windows overlooking the city, and the ninja sword rack hanging next to a decorative dragon panel (behind which she knew there was a concealed compartment that used to contain Nightwing's costume). Dick did always have a flair for the Orient.

Running her hand wistfully along the armrest to the sofa, she recalled how she and Dick used to sit and cuddle together on it, enjoying late-night Chinese takeout and talks, among… other things.

A frown settled on her face as she noticed something… "off" about the couch cushions.

"'Fine', you say. …Is that why you have 'this'?"

Tim's eyes immediately narrowed as she stretched behind the seat and unzipped the foam, removing a bag of greenish-purple powder from deep within.

"It's not mine."

He answered, a little too hasty.

"Whose is it then?"

"Roy's," he stated flatly, seeming nonchalant about selling out his flatmate.

"And you're telling me you've never used any?"

He hesitated, eyes slanting aside in silence. She scrutinized the stash, recognizing to her horror that it was likely the popular new drug that was being distributed in the streets amongst decadent youth; an isolated chemical strain similar to Joker toxin, but more mild. Not strong enough to cause permanent psychological damage (at least when taken in minor doses), but enough to mimic the euphoric high for hours on end.

"Have you been doing deals with Jokerz?"

"Like hell I would," he snapped.

She reached out to sternly grab his wrist, trying insistently to meet his eye.

"Tim. Be honest with me. Please."

He yanked his arm away, glaring fiercely in anger.

"What is this, some kind of bust? Fine, go ahead, book me. I don't care. Why don't you just charge me with murder while you're at it?"

"Tim…"

"You don't get it, Barb." He clutched at his sleeves, digging digits deep into his skin. "You don't know what it's like, living with fucking laughter inside your head all the time. At least when I'm laughing louder I can't hear him."

She swallowed, biting her lip. Gently, she set the plastic down on the table.

"I do understand," she whispered softly.

He blinked at her.

"Tim, the reason I came here, is because… Lately, I've been having these… visions." She sank down on the lounger, steepling fingers in front of her. "You remember the time Scarecrow gassed me and left me in a hallucinogenic nightmare state?"

He nodded.

"It's like that, only now, I get them when I'm awake as well, at complete random. Ever since the quake, I'll experience these abrupt panic attacks, and see all kinds of terrifying shit. Then, the flashbacks start, and there's one that's always recurring…" She closed her eyes, reflecting reluctantly. "All of a sudden I'll see myself back at Arkham, fighting against Harley. We go over the edge of the cliff, and I'm hanging on like before, and she starts to slip… Only this time, I fall with her. I – I die, just like that time in my dream."

She hunched in on herself further as she continued.

"It doesn't end there though. It keeps going, and I can still see everything else play out, like when I visualized my dad going after Bruce afterwards. I – I see him and Joker, and you – JJ – there with the gun – and – and… The shot hits Batman instead."

Her speech tapered off as she finished the sentence. Her audience was deathly quiet as she carried on in a tremulous hush.

"Then you and the Joker – he – he makes you do all these horrible things – so many deaths – including Dick's – and finally my dad's the only one left – and he has to take you both down by himself – and it ends with either him shooting you – or you shooting him – and either way everyone I love is… gone."

She looked at him, tears starring her eyes.

"I'm sorry. You probably don't want to hear any of this. I – I just had to come see you…"

"To make sure I haven't gone on an insane murder spree?"

Barbara lowered her head in apology.

"I didn't mean it like that…"

Tim exhaled, unlinking his limbs as he leaned back against the table.

"For what it's worth, I don't think I've done anything recently that would land me a spot in Arkham. …Anyway, shouldn't you go see a doctor about this or something? Or someone else who can help, like…"

The weight of unspoken word hung heavy in the air. She shook her head.

"I'm scared. What if they can't treat it, say my condition's permanent? I'm no good to the force like this, I can't function out in the field. I'll have to give up my badge, after I worked so hard to finally get here..."

Tim rolled his eyes slightly.

"Gee, I wonder what that could possibly be like?"

Contriteness crossed her countenance again.

"…Sorry. That was dumb, I shouldn't have said that. I was being selfish, only thinking of myself. I shouldn't have bothered you with this. You've got enough to deal with, you don't deserve to have my issues dumped on you as well."

Tim held up his hand.

"Look, it's okay, Babs. …Is there anything I can do?"

She lifted timidly, chewing her lip.

"I – I was just hoping maybe we could… I don't know – talk for a bit?"

Tim remained mute, mulling for a moment, before turning and walking over to the mini-fridge. Opening it, he retrieved two chilled beer cans before revolving back.

"You want a drink?"

She boosted an eyebrow, but nevertheless gratefully accepted the offering of booze.

"I'm not even going to ask how you got these."

She muttered as she popped the tab and started to chug it down.

…

A nearly emptied six-pack later, they were both more than a bit tipsy, but Barbara especially so. Turns out she wasn't very good at holding her alcohol.

"I mean, who do those jerks think they are?" she slurred as she slammed her container down. "I'm not some little girl or someone's possession. I can date whoever I damn well please."

Tim perceived her lurch lopsidedly as she groped for another, growing concerned.

"Don't you think you've had one too many?"

"I'll be the judge of that," she hicced as she swatted his hand away. Tim persisted however, prying the prize firmly from her fingertips.

"That's it. I think you've had enough."

As he stood up to put the beverage back, he simultaneously fished out his phone and began dialing with his free hand.

"I'm calling your dad to come pick you up."

He felt a pressure on his lower waist, and he looked down to see Barbara clinging to the back of his shirt, burying her flushed forehead against his spine.

"Please," she mumbled into the fabric. "Just let me stay here a little longer."

He gulped, but submissively sat back down. She warmly nestled her head against his shoulder, causing his chest to beat rapidly in confusion.

"…What the hell happened to us, Tim? How did we end up like this? The four of us, hardly even speaking to each other? Dick would never return my phone calls, and Bruce – God, Bruce – I don't even know where to begin with him."

"To be fair, he was never much of a conversationalist to begin with," Tim griped bitterly. "Besides, don't you, uh, have a new boyfriend now?"

He cleared his throat, and Barbara sighed as she sat up, hugging her knees close to her for comfort instead.

"Sam's great. He understands, but… He doesn't really 'get' it, you know? What we've been through."

She traced a rim of condensation on the counter.

"Hey, you remember that time Bruce almost married a plant-woman? That was wild."

"Yeah? What about when Farmer Brown unleashed a bunch of giant mutant insects on Gotham? That's got to be the craziest adventure we ever had."

"Please. You weren't there when Baby Doll and Killer Croc teamed up and nearly nuked the city. I mean, can you imagine those two together? You can't compete with a weirder pair than that."

It was startlingly simple, to slip so smoothly back into nostalgia. Swapping stories, trying to one-up each other's exploits. Barbara would even fondly describe some of the times she worked with the original Dynamic Duo, back during the "good ol' days" – of colorful costumed villains, wacky crimes, and ridiculous motivations. Telling increasingly tall tales and amusing anecdotes that almost made Tim laugh. …Almost.

"So let me get this straight," she repeated, "You flew the Batplane all the way to outer space… to the Justice League Watchtower… by yourself?"

"Yup," Tim responded as he sedately cracked open the last metal vessel still in his lap and took a sip.

Barbara shook her head in disbelief.

"You always were a risk-taker. I still can't believe Bruce went missing and got brainwashed… again. How come I never knew about any of this? Why didn't you contact me?"

"You were off at grad school. I figured I could handle it."

Barbara propped her elbow on the plush, leaning her cheek thoughtfully against it as she tucked her legs underneath her.

"...It's good that you went to them for help."

Tim peered down, picking absently at the paper label, peeling off aluminum.

"Mr. Kent told me afterwards, that Bruce did call him in secret. The operating room's walls were lined with lead though, since they used to take X-Rays and brain scans there. Even the curtain and that stupid apron Joker wore had lead shielding. He had hench-spies stationed everywhere, in Metropolis as well, so he could render me unconscious as soon as Superman showed up and I wouldn't be able to scream. …He really was prepared for everything."

Barbara couldn't believe it. Just how long had that disgusting sicko been planning this?

"What about the Martian? He's a telepath, isn't he?"

Tim shook his head.

"Apparently the last time he attempted a city-wide psychic sweep to look for Luthor, he wasn't able to shut it off. The flood of thoughts nearly drove him mad afterwards. Bruce didn't want to risk it."

"That still doesn't excuse-"

"What's done is done," Tim curtly cut her off, crushing the canister in his grip to transfer his own resentful rage, before tossing it in the trash. "I've accepted the damage. There's no use in going back and flinging hindsight accusations at this point."

Barbara surveyed his sullen expression in overwhelming sympathy.

"…There's one thing Joker didn't count on."

"What?"

"You fighting him off in the end. You were stronger than him. You won."

Knuckles balled on Tim's kneecap.

"That wasn't a win. We lost the moment I confessed everything to him."

"That's not true, Tim."

He shook his head.

"I killed him, Barb. I did what none of us were ever supposed to do. And the worst part is, I – I was glad about it."

She extended her palm to wrap reassuringly around his wrist.

"So? You have every right to be, after what he did to you."

Tim's fist only tautened further as he avoided her eyes, ashamed of his own ugly sin.

"You know, it's ironic – Batman got gassed by Scarecrow once too. Only instead it took away all his fear. He was seriously out of control, to the point where he wasn't even afraid to kill criminals. I had to take him down myself. I… managed to keep him from making a big mistake."

He laughed then, though it sounded hollow. His eyes had such a pained look, moreso than anything physical could've caused him. The hurt was in his heart and soul. Barbara's own heart broke to see him like this. Her brain swam, swarming with remorse. Wishing there was something she could do to help heal him, convince him that he had a good heart, one that was still worthy and capable of loving others, and of being loved in return…

…

Slowly, she inclined forward – and kissed him.

…

For a second, all Tim could register was the flavor of liquor mixed with black licorice – lush and luscious on her lips – before panicking and pushing away.

"What are you doing?"

"I… don't know."

"…I think you're making a big mistake."

Barbara bristled.

"Who says?"

From their positions, she was practically on top of him. He grasped her shoulders, keeping determinedly at bay.

"You're drunk. And probably hallucinating."

"I'm not hallucinating."

He sighed, scraping a hand through his hair.

"I'm not Dick or Bruce, you know. …I'm nobody."

"You're not nobody."

Conflict clouded his eyes.

"Look, this is all kinds of wrong. What about Sam? Besides, your dad would probably kill me…"

The whites around her blue irises widened.

"Kill you…?"

…Shit.

"Babs, no, I didn't mean-"

She slid off, seizing arms around herself, impressing into her flesh.

"He'll kill you. You'll kill him. …Everyone's going to be killed. And it's all my fault."

Shit. Shit shit shit. He should've known better.

"No one's dying. We're all still alive." (…If what they had could be called "living".) "You're just imagining it."

Her claws only clamped tighter.

"Sam… What if he comes after Sam? I'm putting him in danger. Oh God." Her pupils contracted, zoning into the distance. "Sam, don't open the door – he's got a gun!"

This was not good. He was losing her. He tried to twist her around, get her to see him instead of… of… whatever it was she was trapped by.

"Babs? Hey, hey, look at me. Look at me. Whatever you're seeing right now, it's not real. You hear me? It's not real."

She stayed stiff as a board though, staring far off into vacant space.

"Dad. Oh my God, what's he doing to Dad? He's trying to turn him crazy too. No, no, make it stop!"

Worriedly, Tim shook her shoulders.

"Babs, hey, c'mon! Snap out of it!"

Her eyes were glazed, no longer glued to one spot but rolling everywhere else. Darting frantically to and fro. Features contorted, seemingly in some kind of phantom agony.

"My legs. I can't feel my legs. He took my legs."

Nails curled around her abdomen area, clenching cloth in anguish. Scrabbling, scratching, as if searching for something.

"Babs!"

"The baby," she sobbed. "I lost the baby. I couldn't protect him. Couldn't protect… im…"

The last part was muffled by a wounded choke, but… From the way she said it, it kinda sounded like…

His name.

Helpless, Tim looked on with an aching empathy as the normally tough, take-charge woman he always knew coiled into a fetal form, crying miserably. He mused if this was how he must've often looked to the others back then. He didn't know what to do, how to help her. He felt so utterly useless.

Running over options, his mind halted at one possibility. Something that used to help him deal with nightmares as a kid, before… everything. It was probably dumb and desperate, but it was worth a shot.

"Wait here. I'll be right back."

He dashed to the bedroom, opening up the nightstand drawer and fumbling around inside. Withdrawing the object from the far back, he considered it grimly for a beat, before gritting his teeth and resolutely taking it back to where Barbara was now rocking herself.

"Babs? Hey, look: Remember this?"

She ceased instantly when she saw the Batarang suspended in front of her.

"You always felt safe whenever Batman and Robin were around, right? Nothing… bad can happen to you as long as they're there."

Sentiment welled in her ducts as she reached out tentatively for the reminder, cradling it close to her breast.

"Just in case you run into trouble up there."

"Dick… Bruce…"

Tim drew her in towards him in a compassionate embrace, soothingly stroking her quivering back as if she were the child.

"It's okay, Babs. It's okay." He reiterated the phrase in her ear. "You're okay. I'm… okay. We're okay."

They stayed like that for a while, and eventually the shudders and sniffles subsided as she seemed to fall into a fitful sleep. While she still whimpered occasionally, holding the Batarang nearer did appear to help somewhat.

Just then, he heard the opening and closing of the front door as Roy returned from his "date", bounding up the steps and stopping short upon witnessing the scene before him.

"Whoahey, am I interrupting something?"

He grinned, and Tim scowled at the guy's terrible timing.

"This isn't what it looks like. Just hurry up and help me get her to the bed."

Roy was about to open his mouth to make another snide remark, but promptly shut it upon seeing the searing look Tim speared at him, and the sweat and tears on the moaning visitor's visage. Switching into serious mode, he lent a steady hand with supporting her to the mattress. He was still a hero himself, after all, always available to aid any damsels in distress.

As he agreed to take over looking after the patient for the time being, Tim thanked him and left the bedside temporarily, pulling out his cell again as he traveled downstairs. Inhaling deeply, he began to punch in another number he knew all too well, forever engraved in the back of his skull.

After a couple rings, the other end picked up with a gruff greeting.

"…Yes?"

The cold, almost impatient lack of pleasantry was all Tim needed to confirm he had indeed reached the right person.

"Bruce, it's me. …Barbara needs help."

…

When Barbara finally awoke, the first thing she spotted was Tim sitting on a reversed chair next to her, chin reposed idly on his forearms.

"Hey."

"…Hey."

"How are you feeling?"

"Better, I guess. …How long was I out?"

"The whole night. You were tossing and turning a lot."

She elevated gradually, sensing a moist towel fall from her crown onto the sheets in the process. Had he been nursing her this whole time?

As she tracked its descent, she saw she was still adhering to the Batarang as well. She blushed a bit at how babyish she must have seemed, to have to rely on something like this to calm her down.

"Um, thanks. …You can have this back now."

He relieved her of the improvised crutch, and in exchange he handed her a small vial of medication.

"Here, take this. It's similar to what Dr. Thompkins used to give me, but more concentrated. It's not a permanent cure, but it should help with the terrors. It'll likely knock you totally out for a few more days, but you won't have to suffer nightmares during it. If it doesn't work or you're still experiencing symptoms afterwards, call her and she'll adjust the dosage."

"You got this from Leslie?"

"Bruce did."

She gaped in astonishment.

"You actually spoke to him?"

"He just told me what I needed to know, then hung up and sent Alfred over with the stuff. …Typical, huh?"

His jaw drooped a little further into folds, as did his tired-looking lids.

"You're not the first Scarecrow victim to undergo relapses like this. It's rare, but everyone responds to the fear serum differently. Yours is a more severe case."

Barbara thought about how many others had to live their lives in a compromised state (or lost them entirely) all because of some psychopath who kept breaking out of Arkham – no matter how many times they put him back in – if not released through the revolving door due to (hell, courtesy of) all the corruption in the system. How many lives were really spared, while others still suffered because of their incompetence? Inconsequence.

"You know, sometimes I wonder: If what we were doing was ever really the right thing? After what happened with the earthquake… God, I don't know. Maybe this city is beyond hope. …In the end, did we even make any difference? Was it worth it – any of it? We've saved a bunch of people, sure, but at what cost? I mean, just look at us… We're a mess."

Tim simply shrugged.

"At least Dick's still doing okay over in Blüdhaven. And Bruce seems to be handling things fine on his own. Besides, it's not like he ever really needed us anyway. Because he's Batman."

Barbara observed as Tim toyed with the Batarang in his hands, balancing the tip on the chair back. She dropped her view towards the blankets.

"…You're not him, you know," she pronounced harshly. "You'll never be him."

Her own fingers fumbled with the damp napkin, and bottle of medicine, before looking up again with a smile.

"But, that's not a bad thing."

As she said this, she extended out to pat his cheek, noting the dark bags under his eyes. Had he even slept at all, she wondered? …Then again, she was probably taking up his bed, she realized with sudden embarrassment.

Tim seemed even more embarrassed by the affectionate contact, turning away with a cough. The memory of what she had done surged back to her cheeks, and she hastily detached, nervously tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, which bloomed a matching humiliated hue.

"Listen, about what happened last night…"

Tim merely waved off whatever she was about to say in advance.

"We were both drunk. It doesn't count."

"…You're awfully quick to dismiss." Detecting his fidgeting, she gleamed in comprehension. "Ah, don't tell me – you've never kissed anyone before?"

A pure pink tinge faintly colored his complexion, corroborating her suspicion.

"Ehehe, did I steal your first kiss, Boy Virgin?"

"Sh- shut up."

His flush deepened further.

"It's not like I've exactly had much opportunity to try it," he murmured in his defense. "…Besides, if we're counting that kind of thing, technically my first time would've been with Dick."

"Oh."

He sniped a sulk at her reaction.

"I gave him CPR once. What were you thinking?"

"Nothing," she declared innocently, hand hovering over her mouth to obstruct a snicker. "I bet this time was a lot better though. I'm sure you must've thoroughly enjoyed it, if not to some extent."

Tim averted his eyes again as she winked at him.

"Wh- who knows."

"Oh please. Don't deny you were the least bit curious. You think I never noticed you sneaking peeks while we were getting changed?"

Tim burned burgundy as he shifted sight down to his toes.

"I was 13. What'd you expect?"

She nodded sagely.

"You are a boy, after all. It's only natural for these things to occur."

She giggled in entertainment at his expense. When the chuckles died down, she checked the time on the alarm clock by the pillow.

"…I guess I should get going now. I'll need to call in to the station to tell them I'm taking the next days off."

He helped see her out. Standing awkwardly in the entrance, he rubbed his neck before addressing encouragingly.

"You're a great cop, Barb. You're gonna do a lot of good things for this city. I know you'll make it a better place."

She beamed.

"Thank you, Tim. …I'll start by confiscating 'this'."

She held up the contraband, which Roy had taken the liberty of hiding again, but there was no way he could outsmart a Bat, even if she wore a different symbol now.

"And I better not catch you with anything like this again, or I will take you in. Got it?"

Tim winced at the strict lecture and slap on the wrist, but nodded. Barbara softened as she reached around to envelop in a broad hug.

"…Don't be a stranger, Tim. You're the only one I can still talk to about all this."

He wavered, but kindly reciprocated the gesture. As she withdrew, she raised an arm to lightly pet his hair, discerning he had finally hit that growth spurt; he was almost at her height now.

"Listen. Someday, you're gonna meet someone special, who loves you just the way you are. And she's gonna be so lucky to have you in her life."

Tim scoffed.

"Yeah, right. Like that's ever gonna happen."

She took his hands in hers. Hands that still twitched and trembled every once in a while, as if afraid to even be touched. Hands that had, in his opinion, committed the greatest act of transgression, taking another's soul and doomed toll on his own – but had also toiled all night to keep changing her cool kerchief, tending and tenderly wiping her temple in enduring devotion to charitable ideals. That had prostrated and prayed, begging for a favor from "God" for her sake, subjugating self in spite of whatever spiteful feelings he bore towards said sore subject. …That had rescued so many lives at the risk of his own, without asking for any reward other than to have a place to call "home", and a "family" who cared for him as much as he did for them. (And even that had been mostly taken from him too, something for which she regretfully shared the blame.)

"Don't give up hope. Things will change. It's gonna get better. I promise."

She stooped forward to peck his cheek, before letting go.

"Thank you, again, for everything. I'll see you around, Tim."

"Yeah. See ya."

She left with a wave, and he halfheartedly did the same as he watched her go.

…

About a week later, after she'd fully recovered and gone back to work as good as new, she received an urgent call from Roy at the hospital.

…

Tim had tried to kill himself.

————————–

That sky glowed all calico, like phosphor in the sea To the ground we fall, she owns us all Kings and boys and beast Kings and boys and beast

#TimSteph #Tim Drake #Timmy Todd #Stephanie Brown #Barbara Gordon #Batman the Animated Series #Batman Beyond #DCAU #Return of the Joker #fanfiction #starstories #*prepares for pitchforks*

4 notes · View notes

tsarisfanfiction · 5 years ago

Text

Cruelty

Fandom: Team Fortress 2 Rating: Teen Genre: Angst/Hurt/Comfort Characters: Scout, Engineer

Scout's first day on the team. And no-one had told him about respawn.

Missiles flew through the air, narrowly missing him as they collided with a building. The resulting explosion shook him and he saw bloody… things… cascading down to the ground. It was only when he saw the splinters of a bow that he realised that they were the remains of a Sniper – which team, he didn't care to know. Looking around as he ran he saw similar scenes of carnage and bloodshed all around him. He felt sick to his stomach. Seeing the corpse of his team's Pyro, a clean knife wound to his back, he realised that they weren't invincible. It was just a lie he'd been fed to make him join. That and the money. Of course they weren't actually going to pay everyone that much. It hurt, both that he'd been lied to and the realisation that if he did miraculously survive the chaos, the men he'd met only this morning wouldn't all be there when the ceasefire was called.

Dodging bullets and sticky bombs, he ducked into the water under the bridge. Spy had said he'd be safe from Snipers here when he briefed him on his role. As the fastest member of the team, his responsibility was to grab the intelligence – intel, the other had called it – from the other base and bring it back to theirs. Looking around, he spotted the pipes he'd been shown and darted into them. Every corner was so tight he had to slow down to avoid colliding with the sides. Luckily, he never met anyone going the other way. He saw several rooms as he passed, but none of them contained the briefcase that had been described to him so he ignored them. The lack of people surprised him, but he wasn't complaining. If he met an opponent it would be kill or be killed, and he wasn't used to the scattergun in his hand yet.

There! A briefcase, identical to the one at their own base save the colour. He darted into the room and was met with agonising pain. He cried out, retreating into the safety of the tunnels. Peaking back round the corner, he looked to see what had hurt him. There, beeping innocently in the corner was a sentry. Now that he thought about it, he'd been warned that the opposing Engineer would set one up there. It swivelled to face him again and he realised with dread that he'd been spotted. A spry of projectiles came towards him and fight or flight took over. He jumped above the bullets, then gained enough purchase on the air to jump again, spraying the machine with bullets from his scattergun, and when that ran out of ammo, his pistol. As he landed, he was greeted with the welcome sight of the sentry blowing up. Heart pumping, he grabbed the briefcase and darted out the way he had come, leaving a trail of blood behind him.

"We have captured the enemy intelligence," a female voice proclaimed – the Announcer – accompanying his dash to safety.

"Medic!" he screamed as he emerged, jumping out of the water and onto his side of the battlements, reloading his guns as he realised that the lack of enemies with the intel meant that they would all have been above ground. Then he saw his Medic's body on the ground, and knew that it was over unless he made it back to the locker room. Distracted as he was, he was too late to notice the opposing Heavy behind him until the minigun's bullets tore through him. He screamed and fell to the floor.

"We have dropped the intelligence," the Announcer's voice said. Detached. Uncaring that he was dying on his first day.

It wasn't even a slow death. He could feel himself bleeding out, bullets lodged in various parts of his body. It was agonizing. If he had the strength left, he would have pulled his pistol and shot himself. Anything to end it quickly. But it was not possible.

"Help," he sobbed. The only answer he received was the maniacal laughter of the opposing Soldier, before he was blown to bits. At least it sped up his death.

He lay there in the darkness. His body seemed to be putting itself back together. Is this what death is like, he wondered. The restoration of your soul to its optimum state? But surely if that was the case he wouldn't feel as nauseous as he did. Bending over, he retched as the darkness into white.

He was standing up, a solid floor beneath his feet and scattergun in hand. Blinking, he looked around to find himself back in the locker room. Medic was standing there, grinning at him.

"What are you vaiting for? Go back outside," the German said, before obeying his own words, medigun in hand. Scout took a moment to assess his condition – even his clothes were flawless! – and wonder what had happened before walking back to the battlements. He could see the briefcase where he had dropped it and adrenaline kicked in. He sprinted for it, scooping it up and dodging the sticky bombs lying in wait for him as he darted back into his base and towards the intel room. Unceremoniously dumping it on the floor, he vaguely heard the Announcer proclaim their victory before slumping down against the desk, tears springing from nowhere.

He had died – he was sure of it. So why was he still very much alive? How could he be alive when he'd been shoot and then blown into pieces. It defied everything and he couldn't make sense of it. He pulled his legs up to his chest and clasped his arms around it, sobbing due to the trauma that assaulted his brain. No-one should know what it was like at death's door. No-one living, anyway. And yet, here he was. It was too much for him to comprehend.

"Experienced respawn then?" a voice asked and he looked up to see his team's Engineer looking down at him with pity. "It's a shock, I know. They should tell recruits before they go into battle." The Texan sat next to him and, without asking for permission, put a hand around the boy's shaking shoulders. "It keeps us alive, though. Without it neither RED nor BLU would ever have a hope of winning." Scout didn't reply, although he did lean into the embrace with little persuasion. It didn't make sense. They couldn't be alive. What was respawn?

--------------

Engineer just held him as he cried, knowing that it was better out than in. If their newest recruit couldn't get over respawn then he'd be useless to the team. And terminated. It had happened before.

Eventually the boy looked up, eyes red and shining with streak marks down his face.

"Is it always that hard?" he asked quietly. Engineer shrugged.

"You get used to it with time, but it's never enjoyable."

"How can they expect us to die so many times and remember it? If they can bring us back to life, why can't they make us forget how we died?"

Engineer had no answer. He'd had the not-such-a-pleasure of meeting their employers in person and he knew that they cared for nothing beyond winning the war. But that was too much for the boy to handle right now. He'd work it out, anyway, once the shock of respawn had died. They all did. The cruelty of their employers was not hard to see and Engineer had seen the spark of intelligence in the boy's eyes. And courage. He'd survive this place, of that the older man was sure.

Eventually Scout was ready to present himself to the rest of his team, having survived his first mission with his sanity mostly intact. They were all waiting for him, even Pyro and Medic – the two whose bodies he had seen lying on the bridge with all their life drained. They were all assessing him, wondering how much of his sanity had survived, and if he wanted out. He met all their gazes with a challenging look before breaking into a cocky grin.

"So when do we get to whoop their asses next?"

#tf2 #tf2 fanfiction #scout #engineer #medic #tsari writes fanfiction #respawn #2fort #angst #death #temporary death #cruelty

19 notes · View notes

moonlightmadnessreviews · 5 years ago

Text

Midsommar (2019): Bleakness in Broad Daylight

As I left the theater after my viewing of Midsommar, one thought rang clearly through my mind: “I NEED to discuss what I’ve just watched!” 2018’s Hereditary effected me much in the same way and, though the movies are at times visual opposites, Aster has solidified his filmic vocabulary. Produced by A24, Midsommar sees Aster once again tackling issues of grief, denial and one character’s journey to fulfill their destiny.

Both written and directed by Ari Aster, Midsommar begins with a mural. Upon this first watch (and considering my brain was scrambling to keep up with my eyes as they did their best to take in every detail), it seems the mural depicted the change of seasons. This is a theme the movie plays with throughout its nearly 2 hour run time. The mural opens like the curtain on a grand stage and invites us into a cold, snowy landscape. An ethereal chanting plays over jump cut after jump cut. Frame after frame of this vast cold land. Then suddenly, as if startled out of a dream, we jump from snowy treetops to a suburban aerial view that zooms in deeper and deeper to the tempo of a phone desperately ringing.

We are introduced to Dani, played by Florence Pugh, as she attempts to reach her parents after receiving an ominous e-mail from her sister. After leaving her voicemail, Dani places a phone call to her boyfriend Christian, played by Jack Reynor, who is with a group of friends when Dani calls. The friends are rounded out by Josh (William Jackson Harper), Pelle (Vilhelm Blomgren) and finally, Mark (Will Poulter and his friggin’ eyebrows, don’t even get me started). We learn that Christian feels he should breakup with Dani, this current freak out over her inability to reach her parents and her bi-polar sister’s erratic behavior being the latest in what is apparently a long line of freak outs. He receives yet another call from Dani and what follows is just the first of Midsommar’s shocking and brutally bleak scenes.

I won’t get into spoilers for this scene (“Haunting in its realism.” is as much as I’ll give you) but it does bring me to what I find incredibly interesting about Aster’s direction. The director has managed to set quite firmly his filmic vocabulary via one device in particular and one which has become a favorite topic of discussion of mine: the Ari Aster Cry. Last year’s Hereditary gave us one of the most brutal, realistic and certainly uncomfortable depictions of grief through Toni Collette’s cries before, during, and even after her daughter’s funeral. A round of applause is certainly in order for Collette’s performance, but I also feel Aster has a way of bringing these cries out of his actresses, capturing them in long, uninterrupted takes. Pugh gives an equally inspired, incredibly pained, and mournful cry after the aforementioned events. Your skin crawls as screams, cries, and an assortment of other guttural noises leave her body.

When I saw Hereditary, a couple left during the post-funeral cry scene, and I half expected to see at least one couple bail out at this point as well. Alas, I suppose I was accompanied by a more courageous audience this time. What I love is how Aster sticks our faces deep inside a character’s grief and refuses us any respite, not unlike a heavy handed owner shoving his dog’s face in its own mess, forcing us to deal with how uncomfortable we are with hearing someone express genuine pain and suffering. And so, we are ushered along by our title card, reminding us we’ve merely been given a glimpse of what we’re in for.

Cinematography is provided by Pawel Pogorzelski, and his contributions are critical in helping us feel fully immersed in the beautiful, albeit frightening world that Midsommar paints. We follow Dani, Christian and his friends to Sweden for a Midsommar festival Pelle has invited everyone to. We learn he grew up in a commune where old Scandinavian rituals are still being followed. Landscapes are shot in such a way that they seem inviting, yet so vast that one can not help but feel isolated. As the festival and many of its ceremonies take place in open fields washed in bright and direct sunlight, it is as if the film makers are forcing our eyes open, ensuring we can not look away from any of the horrifying events. I love the way Aster moves the camera through a room, much like we are looking in on a stage play. He takes a similar approach in these open fields and though free of walls, he often frames characters with the commune’s bunk houses and shacks, helping to give our eyes those familiar points of reference.

Through Dani’s character, the movie explores themes of control and free will, or lack there of. We see her taking medication for either depression or anxiety. Often times she is offered hallucinogens and accepts merely out of a sense of obligation. I hesitate to call it peer pressure, because she accepts from a position of someone who doesn’t want to be a downer or a party pooper. She has relinquished control not only of her mind, but in her relationship with Christian, and her through her reluctance to deal with past traumas, handing herself over to them. Aster further explores Dani’s state of mind through camera work and the various jump cuts through out the movie which often see Dani being transported from place to place as if she has lost time and has snapped back into the present.

After a shot of the clouds outside Dani’s airplane window during their flight to Sweden, the camera begins to shake as if being jostled by turbulence, though it is more likely a view into Dani’s emotional state. Upon arriving to Pelle’s commune, the camera performs a beautiful rolling move, sweeping over the friends’ car and swapping the sky for the road to show us the name of the commune upside down, before planting us back on our feet. It’s a perfect analogy for how disoriented our characters are for much of the film’s runtime.

When dealing with gore, the movie once again forces us to witness horrific events in broad daylight. We bear witness to a ceremonial ättestupa (if you already know what that is, you’ll be amused by Josh’s reaction) in a stark, stone valley surrounded by lime. It seems to wash out and intentionally overexpose the scene to ratchet up the shock of blood, bone and gore. The camera hangs on these moments at times a beat too long, as if playing chicken with the viewer. “Will I cut to another scene, or will you cover your eyes? Are you enjoying the sound of this character fighting for breath after being bludgeoned, or are you dying to cover your ears and run from it?”

As vibrant and visually stunning as the movie is, it is certainly a slow burn. Much like the music provided by The Haxan Cloak, the movie can drone on at times, yet the notes it pedals to throughout help to keep it from losing its audience. Thankfully, Aster does not fill these droning moments with dumps of exposition, helping to keep the commune shrouded in mystery til the very last note. There are a few musical motifs that are stated throughout the movie, much like the visual clues set up in the first act which hint at the fate of each character and payoff in the final act, culminating in the crescendo that is the May Queen ceremony.

The movie ends with Dani making a monumentally important decision. After being broken down in the commune, forced time and time again to leave her comfort zone and put in incredibly uncomfortable positions, some viewers may see the ending as Dani just giving in and accepting once again a lack of control.

After having had time to think on the ending for the last day or so, I stick with my original take on the ending. We see Dani accept a new found power brought out of her at the exact moment she stops denying what has been in front of her the whole time: her grief, her failing relationship with Christian, and the fate of her friends. She purged herself of those demons through the iconic Ari Aster Cry and takes on the role of May Queen (not so much a spoiler as it is hinted that Pelle has chosen her for this exact role through out the movie), wearing a crown of breathing flowers and an oversized dress that is a bouquet onto itself. The tension built through the movie stands at one end, while Dani’s character arc builds from an opposite point, finally meeting in the middle high above their respective bases to form a pyramid which mirrors the sacred temple our protagonist stands before in the film’s final moments.

Midsommar is another masterpiece from the mind of Ari Aster. Though the film pairs nicely with Hereditary, it’s warm tones standing in contrast to the latter’s cold overcast, the film manages to stand firmly on its own. Another example of Aster’s exploration of grief, destiny and our longing for control, it also plays at our base need to feel as though we are part of a greater entity. As societal beings, we search for a home, a family, and at times though it seems impossible to fit in, we are shocked to find the strength we are looking for lies deep within ourself, like the sun on a midsummer’s day.

Rating: 5 Full Moons out of 5 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕

#Midsommar #Ari Aster #Florence Pugh #Jack Reynor #William Jackson Harper #Vilhelm Blomgren #Will Poulter #A24 #Midsommar Movie #Film Reviews #Horror Film #Folk Horror #Moonlight Madness #Moonlight Madness Reviews

163 notes · View notes