#these are just my thoughts and opinions and i could be entirely wrong lol !!!

[winwintea]

if dream members leave sm and go solo, who do you think has the most potential to survive?

realistically? only mark. maybe haechan

ok cause lets talk.

the vocalists renjun, chenle, and haechan.

if renjun and chenle solely try to promote in korea they're gonna flop. if they go back to china they will probably be successful. that's usually the deal with foreigners, especially ones from china. i'm using exo as an example, but luhan and tao have a strong fanbase in china. lay is a wildcard and he is def flopping, but his issue is he's trying to appeal to international fans while trying to stay in korea.

i'll be honest chenle's solo fanbase isn't as strong as the others. sure he's pretty popular amongst the group and people love him, but i've only noticed a recent surge in popularity. and they're usually fans who are like "omg chenle has gotten hotter he's bias wrecking rn!!!" everyone loves chenle, but not that many people bias him.

renjun, although more popular than chenle, if anything bro def has more haters than chenle which could hinder his success. (fuck them btw)

if fics are proof of anything, jaem, jeno, haechan, and mark fics are the most popular i've seen on this site. occasionally jisung.

mark def has the ability to go solo because we've seen so much of his vocal, rapping, and dancing ability.

haechan is also an ace, where he has demonstrated vocal, dancing, and some rapping talent too. (he's actually a really good rapper like wtf)

jisung in my opinion is much too young. his shy and awkward personality will cause him to probably not want to do as much solo projects and maybe focus on dancing rather than singing. which is why jisung benefits from being in a group rather than going solo. as much as i love vocalist jisung, it's not his love... he loves dancing more

with jaemin and jeno, theres the domestic vs international debate.

jaemin and jeno have better chances to succeed domestically than international.

one great example of this is doyoung. doyoung is SOOOOO popular domestically, and lacks the popularity internationally. mf i cant even count how many tours dy did in asia, especially korea. a lot istg.

PROBLEM with jaem and jenaur is that they're not vocalists like doyoung. or even jaehyun. i'm not sure what a solo project would look like for them. they have the songwriting talent, but i'm not sure about solos. i need to hear more from them to decide.

so basically

mark + haechan would do well solo debut

jeno + jaemin are wildcards that would be great domestically probably

jisung + renjun + chenle benefits from being in a group rather than solo. (unless renjun and chenle go back to china)

[fayes-fics]

Textual Encounter

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x fem!reader, modern AU

Summary: Text fic. Wrong number meet-cute over text.

Warnings: none... this is fluff and humour.

Word Count: 1.4k

Summary: Fic request fill for Anon (HERE). I kept it fun and fluffy, but yeah, I can see a sequel where they sext. Thanks to @colettebronte for the read-through. Enjoy! <3

Y/N: Hey Liz, it’s y/n y/l/n. Kindle Spa gave me your mobile. Said you had moved to another salon. I don’t trust anyone else to wax me tbh. Big date this week, kwim 😉 Can I get an appt? I’ll come to you. Doesn’t matter where. 

BB: Errr, I think you have the wrong number…

Y/N: Not Liz?

BB: Nope, Ben here. 

Y/N: Not a waxer, I presume?

BB: I may have waxed lyrical in my time, may even have lit a few candles. Have not waxed anyone no - my own body or anyone else’s. Yet. But I’m game to try anything once...

Y/N: Lol.

BB: Big date, eh?

Y/N: ….Yeah. Not that it's any of your business, stranger Ben.

BB: Fair. BB: Does it hurt?

Y/N: ??

BB: Getting waxed.

Y/N: Oh. Yeah. Like a motherfucker. But you sorta get used to it, tbh. And it’s so much less itchy than shaving regrowth, especially in sensitive areas… Wait, why am I having this convo with a complete stranger?!

BB: We don’t have to be strangers. BB: I’m Ben, 33, London. BB: I have no strong opinions on hair removal methods.

Y/N: lol. K. I’m y/n, 28, also London. Y/N: I, as you can see, do have some opinions.

BB: Hi y/n 👋 BB: I hope you can find Liz. Or someone else to assist with your hair needs.

Y/N: I would like it stated, for the record, I’m not hairy like a troll. I just like to keep things neat.

BB: The lady doth protest too much…

Y/N: You are cheeky for a stranger.

BB: Hey, I thought we agreed. Not strangers. Me Ben. You hairy troll.

Y/N: BLOCK.

BB: Just typing it doesn't work, you know.

Y/N: You should work at the Apple Genius Bar.

BB: Hmm, possibly. I do look good in blue. Or so I've been told.

Y/N: Always glad to provide career counselling.

BB: 🫡

4 days later.

BB: How’d your date go?

Y/N: That's odd. I don’t see a Genius Bar appt in my calendar…?

BB: iCal is a lying bastard. BB: I also assume you now can move faster through water.

Y/N: ??

BB: Waxed smooth like a dolphin…?

Y/N: 😆 Y/N: Entirely none of your business, but yes, actually. Well mostly. I leave some. Why am I telling you this?! Y/N: The guy was such a dud tho, I didn't get to show it off 🙁

BB: Please don't stop on my account. This is just delightful.  BB: I apologise on behalf of all men.

Y/N: For what?

BB: Having 4 sisters, I find the safest answer here is usually… everything, of course.  BB: But specifically, your rubbish date.

Y/N: Apology conditionally accepted. Y/N: 4 sisters?! 

BB: Only conditional? What do I gots to do to make it unconditional? BB: Yeah, I know… I’ve got 3 brothers too. My parents were really into each other. 

Y/N: IDK, serve a mean martini? Y/N: Understatement.

BB: That could be arranged. I took an online mixology course during lockdown.  BB: My sister El declared I'm better than Stanley Tucci. Admittedly, that was after 4 espresso martinis… but I'm taking it. She's opinionated but the best one. They are a weird bunch tho 🤔

Y/N: WOAH WOAH WOAH. That's a bold claim.

BB: Well, there’s only one way to dispute it: try one for yourself…

Y/N: Smooth, Genius Bar, smooth.

BB: I do my best 🤷

1 day later.

Y/N: I can't get my AirPods to work.

BB: You do realise I didn’t actually follow your career advice?

Y/N: Urgh. Inconvenient. What use are you then?

BB: As I said. Cocktails. I’ll try my hand at waxing if you want.

Y/N: Best stick to the day job. Which is…?

BB: Graphic design.

Y/N: Oh, that’s quite cool. 

BB: It pays the bills. You?

Y/N: MI-5

BB: Wow, you're a shit spy.

Y/N: It could be an excellent double bluff…

BB:

Y/N: Oh, we’ve graduated to memes now, have we, Genius Bar?

BB: It was called for.

Y/N: I’ll take it. Purely cos it's a Hemsworth.

BB: I would too, tbh.

Y/N: Bi?

BB: For a Hemsworth? Always.

Y/N: Anyone else?

BB: I’ll keep you posted.

Y/N: I'm on the edge of my seat.

3 days later.

BB: Oscar Issac.

Y/N: Good non sequitur evening to you, too, Genius Bar Ben.

BB: For the bi thing.

Y/N: Ahh. Got it. I can respect that.

BB: This is me, btw: www.instagram.com/benbridgerdesign.  BB: Figured you can decide for yourself if I'm a creeper.

Y/N: Appreciated.

3 minutes later.

Y/N: You paint?

BB: I dabble

Y/N: Modesty will only make me like you more.

BB: You like me?! 🥹

Y/N: You didn't mention you were handsome.

BB: There is no way to respond to that without me sounding like a twat.

BB: But thank you 😊

Y/N: This is me: www.instagram.com/ynhandle 

7 minutes later.

BB: Oh, Amalfi is so beautiful, isn't it?

Y/N: Wow. That's a deep cut. How far did you scroll back??

BB: 👀

Y/N: Yeah, it's beautiful. Shame it's tainted for me now. Was there with an ex.

BB: I saw. Very handsome.

Y/N: Are you sure you're not just into men full-stop?

BB: 🤷 BB: You’re very pretty, too.

Y/N: I’d believe it if you didn't mention my “very handsome” ex first…

BB: I call it like I see it. BB: I have had 4 whiskeys, tho, so make of that what you will.

Y/N: On a school night?!

BB: It’s my brother Ant's birthday. This is like non-optional drunk, I’ll have you know.

Y/N: Happy birthday to him. 

BB: He says thanks. He’s also told me to get off my fucking phone. Which is rich. He is texting his wife nonstop.

Y/N: Hah! Safe travels through Whiskeytown, BenBridger 🫡

BB: I kinda miss Genius Bar…. 😞

Y/N: I can't win…

2 days later.

BB: Settle an argument for me.

Y/N: 🍿

BB: Col, younger brother, never stops eating... He claims Katz Deli is overrated. I argue it's touristy but still good. You’ve been. Where do you sit on this matter?

Y/N: You really did go thru my Insta, didn't you?? Y/N: Thanks for the follow, BTW.

BB: It's a compliment, I assure you. BB: Welcome. And same.

Y/N: Not complaining. And yeah, I agree with you, actually.

BB: Hah! Excellent!!

Y/N: Wait… your older brother is Ant, and your younger brother is Col? You’re Ben. So, like ABC?

BB:  … I already warned you my family was weird.

Y/N: You did. You did.

BB: Now, please excuse me while I go gloat.

Y/N: 👍

5 mins later.

BB: Hi. This is Col. You must be the famous y/n. Ben’s in the bogs, and the mug left his phone on the table unlocked, so this is on him.  BB: He like really likes you. Like a lot. Will you go on a date with him pls? 

Y/N: Err, ok, hi Col. Y/N: Umm, I think Ben should be the one to ask me that. Don’t you?

BB: He’s too scared you’ll say no.

Y/N: I won't…

BB: EXCELLENT.

2 minutes later.

BB: I am so SO sorry about that 😬 He’s such a shit. BB: But… do you mean it?

Y/N: Ask me properly…

BB: Would you, y/n, like to go on a date with me? Please?

Y/N: I would be delighted to Ben. 😀

BB: 🙏 BB: Are you free on Thursday? Could I take you to dinner?

Y/N: Sounds wonderful. 

BB: 7pm? Meet at Picadilly Circus? By Brasserie Zedel?

Y/N: I’ll be there 😀

BB: 😀

10 days later.

BB: I think you should know… Liz is an artiste 😮‍💨

Y/N: Stop texting me from my bed, you dork. 😘 Y/N: How do you take your coffee?

BB: I'm like 10 meters away. Why not just ask me?

Y/N: You started this, Genius Bar…

BB: Come back to bed, Mostly Hairless Troll.

Y/N: I asked for that, didn't I? 🤦

Benedict taglist, pt 1: @makaylan @longingintheuniverse @iboopedyournose @aintnuthinbutahounddog @severewobblerlightdragon @writergirl-2001 @heeyyyou @enichole445 @enchantedbytomandhenry @ambitionspassionscoffee @chaoticcalzoneranchsports @nikaprincessofkattegat @baebee35 @crowleysqueenofhell @fiction-is-life @lilacbeesworld @broooookiecrisp @queen-of-the-misfit-toys @eleanor-bradstreet @divaanya @musicismyoxygen84 @miindfucked @sorryallonsy @cayt0123 @hottytoddyhistory @fictionalmenloversblog @zinzysstuff @malpalgalz @kinokomoonshine @causeimissu @delehosies @m-rae23 @last-sheep @panhoeofmanyfandoms @kmc1989 @desert-fern @corpseoftrees-queen @magical-spit @bunnyweasley23 @how-many-stars-in-the-sky @sya-skies

[weemietime]

https://www.tumblr.com/weemietime/767670429687152640?source=share

I suppose it was easy for me to fall into the Hamasnik trap due to my habit of black and white thinking, which I wish I could blame on my autism, my ocd, or my horrible mental state, but I’m just incredibly stupid lol. But yeah, I was very much a hamasnik myself.

For some reason my mind refused to accept or recognise the nuance of a history that I wasn't even well versed on in the first place. I also think that the constant reductionism presented to me played a part. There’s a lot of reductionism that goes on within the Hamasnik circles, and it goes hand in hand with anti intellectualism. Statements like “this isn’t complex! How can you see these videos of these Palestinian children (videos that I later found out were actually from Syria, but I couldn’t tell, I just ate it up) and think that Israel/Palestine is complex!”

The whole thing of blocking everyone who has a different opinion or ideology (the ideology in question being Zionism, or at least what hamasniks consider to be Zionism) from you and refusing to follow certain news channels because they’ve shown sympathy for those who have a different ideology from you, refusing to read certain books from authors who have expressed empathy for those same people, all of this together effectively creates an echo chamber of the same opinions and views being regurgitated over and over and over again constantly.

Then sprinkle in constant videos of people dying and blood everywhere, videos that you don’t even know where the people are from, whether they be from Gaza, from Syria, Lebanon, or Yemen, but it doesn’t matter because they speak Arabic so it MUST be about the Gazans specifically according to the Hamasnik group you’re apart of, all of these videos you’re being told to constantly watch over and over again because according to the Hamasnik cult you’re in, “if you look away from the violence even ONCE, you’re complicit in genocide! You’re personally responsible for genocide if you look away! The people in Gaza never get a mental health break or comfort so why should you?”

That very same rhetoric is the reason why a lot of you Jewish people can’t find yourself able to escape on fandom spaces and shit like that, the antisemitism you encounter in spaces you thought you were safe in? Yeah it’s because these people are being told that they have to constantly talk about what’s going on in every single space they’re in and that they can’t look away because if they do, they’re considered complicit in the killing of Gazans so they have to let everyone else know the same.

There are a lot of people who are purposefully antisemitic, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me excusing anyone. I’m just saying that a number of these people genuinely believe that they’re doing something for the greater good by constantly being antisemitic. They don’t consider themselves antisemitic because the echo chamber they’re in has convinced them that Jewish people aren’t experiencing anything, that Jewish people are fine. That it’s the “big bad” that they’re hurting, not the Jews. It’s the “big and scary Zionists!” At least that’s what happened in my case. Constantly told that if I took a break even once, the blood of the Gazans, the blood of every. single. person in Gaza, would be on my own two hands.

You might not believe me, but when you’ve trapped a person in an echo chamber like that, it’s very easy to convince them that an entire country is evil, that every single Israeli is wicked and corrupt and should die and that anyone who expresses an ounce of empathy for them is a “Zionist” and should die as well.

You could’ve told me anything a few months ago. Absolutely anything bad about Israelis and I would’ve believed you. Because I’d scroll social media and see videos of children dying, people being beaten, buildings being destroyed, everything. Then I’d scroll some more and see videos of Israelis doing everyday things, videos of people having fun, videos of people eating, etc, and I found it so unfair that they (according to hamasnik rhetoric) were living in absolute peace while Palestinians are dying right next to them. Then I’d scroll some more and see videos of the IDF (I actually don’t even know if the videos were even of the IDF or not, but as I said, you could’ve told me anything and I’d have believed you. I genuinely believed that it was the IDF) shooting people, beating people, etc. And I was told to look at these videos everyday, every hour, every minute, every second. A lot of the Hamasnik mouthpieces take advantage of the average westerner’s inability to understand Arabic or Hebrew, so there’s a lot of mistranslated videos of Israelis saying they want every Arab dead, a lot of mistranslated Al Jazeera videos of people in Amsterdam for example, saying “يهودي قذر" (dirty Jew) with the wrong captions on and then us non Arabic speaking cult trapped people are none the wiser to what that means because we refuse to engage with any sources that won’t fit our narrative, because we’re complicit in death if we step outside the narrative.

I don’t believe that Zionists should die, but I did. I don’t believe that the hostages should suffer, but I did. I truly believed the worst of things, and perpetuated horrible antisemitism, because I genuinely believed that I was doing good. I found myself justifying unspeakable acts, and saying unspeakable things, things that I would have whole heartedly condemned prior, because I genuinely thought I was doing something right. For example, prior to me falling into that cultish trap, I would’ve wholeheartedly condemned saying a slur coined by David fucking Duke. But after? As I said, I was doing and saying unspeakable things.

I would watch videos from Hamasniks everyday, perpetuate antisemitism everyday, go to sleep and dream about that stuff, and wake up and do it all again, first thing in the morning. A vicious cycle.

And unknowingly somewhere else around the world, some Jewish or Israeli person would wake up, witness antisemitism everyday, witness people wishing the worst upon the hostages, the Jews, the Israelis, the Zionists, everyday, go to sleep terrified for what’s happening to their people, and wake up and see it all again first thing in the morning. Another vicious cycle.

I wish I had a better answer for you, I do. An answer that’s more digestible and less disturbing. I wish I could undo everything that I’ve said and done to the people I’ve hurt whether that be in real life or online. I truly am sorry, and I wish that an apology would fix everything, but it won’t. I wish that all the pain I inflicted on all the Jewish people and Israeli people could be taken away and that I would feel that pain tenfold.

If it’s any consolation or solace, I hate myself more than any of you combined. There is nobody who hates me more than me at this current moment in time and I absolutely do deserve every ounce of pain inflicted upon me, whether it be mental or physical. If you wish death upon me, just know that I do agree with you, but unfortunately previous attempts have failed.

I deleted all of my old posts from that period of time to avoid people getting hurt by them anymore, but I think I’ve done too much damage for me to be a good ally, so I just say nothing now, but I truly do wish the best for all of you and I wish that all of this would stop and that the hostages will be found, hopefully alive.

My apologies for writing a whole Bible in your asks, I truly didn’t mean to.

TLDR - reductionism and anti-intellectualism combined with trapping yourself in an echo chamber of regurgitated rhetoric and constantly regurgitating said rhetoric is a quick way to find yourself dabbling in extremism.

To avoid falling into a trap such as this, avoid generalisations of races, ethnic groups, and the like, look for nuance, try hear people out even when you don’t understand them, instead of blocking them (this is in reference to me blocking every single person who opposed my hamasnik ideology at the time. You should probably block hamasniks, they tend to harass Jewish people a lot), and remember that if someone tells you that a whole war isn’t complex, they’re lying. It absolutely is.

I hope you've been able to see the other responses your other ask has gotten as well! Truly, you aren't someone who I hate. Personally, I do forgive you. Other people may not, and that's their right. But I know first-hand what it's like to be radicalized and to not only commit to extreme rhetoric but also extreme actions. I've learned to have compassion for myself, and I hope that with time you will undergo a similar process.

Someone else said it, "you can't hate yourself into being a better person." All of us, as beings, grow with love and kindness. War is hard it's horrific, and hellish. You're constantly exposed to this violent imagery, this extreme rhetoric, and your whole friend groups are getting in on it. I understand exactly how it happens, and I do have sympathy for it.

To me, the most important part of your story isn't the worst shit you've ever done. It's this part. The part where you learn how to be better, and so you do better, and reach out across the divides and bridge those gaps that have formed. That is a very human story.

[starcrossedxwriter]

Built for Love Part 13 (MBJ x Famous Black OC)

A/N: you know the saying "it's gotta get worse before it gets better??" Well, that's true lol But enjoy the ride!

***

“You keep actin’ like it’s not a big deal! Like we can just wake up and get over it.” 

“I never said that!” Charlotte called over him, attempting to drown out his blatantly false words. as she angrily folded her arms. She flopped back into the soft cushions of Dr. Matthews’ couch, angrily folding her arms. “But I’m sick of him acting like I’m the problem for focusing on OUR future? Shaun is the past. We’re supposed to be planning a wedding? You proposed to me! Why is it wrong for me to focus on that and not the past??” 

“Well, I don’t know if that’s what Michael mea-” 

Michael did not even allow their therapist to finish her thought before he jumped back in, his anger rising.   

“I didn’t travel back in time and stumble into a bathroom to find him hurting you, Charlotte! It’s what? Almost the end of April so this happened six weeks ago?? He is very much our present and potentially part of the future. How can I just pretend that ain’t the case? He will be a threat to you until he’s in prison. And I’m not interested in being caught off guard again when he shows up for round two. And you know I’m right!” 

“I don’t know that actually!” 

“Sure. Lie to your family, Dr. Matthews, and yourself all you want but I see you, Charlotte. You haven’t moved on either. You’re just trying to ignore it so you don’t have to deal with it. So you don’t have to talk to me about it. Better to pretend this is somehow a normal everyday experience rather than just admit that it’s fucked up. You can say you’re fine all you want but I ain’t gotta pretend I believe it when I don’t.” 

“Oh right cause you’re the resident expert on being stalked and almost murdered? Remind me when that happened to you too??” she snapped sarcastically. “Exactly! So why do you think your opinion of my progress somehow matters more than the only person in this room with actual experience surviving this and him. You’ve got no idea what it’s like. I’ve been here. I’ve survived this and worse. So maybe I am actually fine because I know exactly what this feels like. You can’t hold it against me that I’m not a broken thing that needs you to swoop in and fix her!” 

“I don’t need to know what that’s like because I know you! And I’m not trying to fix you. Cause I don’t think acknowledging your pain means you’re broken. I do know that the last time you swore to me you were fine, he showed up at your rehearsal and then he bruised your ribs. And I knew, I fuckin’ knew, something was up before I left and I went anyway because you swore you were fine. Call me controlling o-or overprotective or annoying or whatever but at least you’ll be alive to be mad at me. Cause I sure as hell am not gonna make the same mistake ever again. You want me to chill out? Then start bein’ honest with me when shit isn’t fine and maybe I’ll start believing you when you say it is.”

“You act as if I just lie all the time?? In our entire relationship, I’ve kept one secret from you, made one more mistake! If you can’t forgive me for it, why are we even here??” 

“Maybe I could if it was just one mistake. I love you with my entire soul, fuck you’re my everything. But for whatever reason, your go-to is to keep shit like this from me. He showed up at your rehearsal and you said nothing. Had nightmares that were so bad, you got sick and you told me everything was just fine. He hit you and threatened you and you still lied to me when I asked you what was going on. Same thing with your arm the night of the premiere. Do you wanna tell Dr. Matthews how you got that brace on your wrist and how you tried to hide it from me or should I?” 

“This again!” Charlotte threw her free hand in the air as the one wrapped in a black brace stayed in her lap. “It’s a sprain and it was an accident. I didn’t tell you because of this - I knew you’d overreact and we’d be back where we were in March! And I was right. One accident and you acted like I was gonna fall apart. I wanted to celebrate, have fun and you overreacted and just wanted me to be sad all night. So much so that you couldn’t even see what I needed!” 

“Overreact?? Wow. How am I supposed to react to finding out I hurt you??” 

“YOU didn’t hurt me! I got hurt, there’s a difference. And the only person who was bothered was you. You know how many times I’ve been hurt? Concussions, bruised and broken ribs, carpet burns, regular burns, broken bones, cuts, hell, I bruised a kidney once. I’m a fuckin’ walking Grey’s Anatomy episode. I don’t need to send you a press statement everytime I’m hurt.”  

“You know that’s not what I want! But you could at least tell me so I can help. Otherwise, what use am I to you?” 

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Dr. Matthews interrupted the pair. “Enough. Both of you!” 

The couple had dissolved into a loud and biting vocal hurricane within five minutes of stepping into her Lower Manhattan office. Neither of them came ready for productive conversation but to unleash their frustrations onto a third party in hopes that she would convince the other that their side was the right one. 

“You just spent 10 minutes arguing and I doubt either of you even heard a single thing the other person said. Getting louder doesn’t ensure your point is heard, it just makes you loud. So let’s take a deep breath so we can actually have a conversation.” 

Charlotte took a few deep breaths before glancing at her fiance, guilt immediately surging as he jiggled his knee, a clear sign that he was upset. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her hand rubbing her forehead. “We d-don’t speak to each other like that. I’m just…” She glanced away from him as her voice trailed off. She did not know what she was but she knew nothing was as ok as she wanted it to be. As she wanted them to be. “Frustrated.” 

“I know…” he acknowledged, letting out his own deep breath to release some of his anger. “I’m sorry too.” 

“Ok good. I wondered when we’d finally get here. It took one session for me to see this argument brewing but I honestly thought you two would never get here. So amenable to other, willing to make surface-level changes that don’t address the root cause of your problems but unwilling to be vulnerable and say the hard things that would actually help you move forward. But like a lot of things, sometimes we have to take a couple steps back to reevaluate and move forward. So tell me what happened since our last session to get us here?” 

Dr. Matthews’ calming voice was a sharp juxtaposition to the red hot anger they both entered her office ready to unleash. She was not wrong, this argument was simmering since Charlotte got home from the hospital and had boiled over without warning. Charlotte had thought they were making small inroads to being back to normal but Dr. Matthews now challenged everything Charlotte believed about their progress. She was so frustrated at Michael for setting them back but maybe she had just put too much hope that their problems were an easy fix and wouldn’t require the thing she dreaded most: vulnerability. But the last 48 hours felt like God saying that neither of them could sustain that much longer. 

Charlotte sighed and glanced at Michael, his own shame wafting off of him.

“It really wasn’t a big deal. The other night…” 

“WRONG! He can’t be dead!” 

“Whatchu mean wrong?? We watched that nigga get stabbed eight times.”

“Yea we also saw dragons and zombies… you’re telling me that in a world of dragons and zombies, a nigga can’t come back to life?? What about Beric???” 

Michael laughed. “Doesn’t mean everybody can do it just cause he did?? And how would he even come back? The entire Night Watch against him, Red Woman’s nowhere to be found. That nigga cooked. Had a good run though,” he remarked as he pulled their dinner out of the oven. 

It was Charlotte’s night off from the show and the couple’s chosen date night. Their therapist had recommended setting aside the time each week to reconnect and focus on them. And Charlotte felt as if it was working, they were slowly but surely becoming them again. Perfect? No. But even their playful fighting over mundane tv plots was a new development. Fuck… just being playful at all was a glorious return to who they once were. Their relationship simply existed day to day with such an overcast of tension, the overbearing weight of life and death, that there was little space or energy to feel anything light. But the excitement of the day had turned tonight’s mood celebratory and fun, exactly what Charlotte needed to feel like herself again. 

“Wow. You have nooo faith. That man’s comin’ back, I know it. Also if you were really killing off a character, is that how you’d write it?? The whole ‘is your favorite character dead?’ season finale cliffhanger almost always ends with the character being alive.” 

“We talking about Thrones, Els! The show that killed off the main character in season 1 and most shows ain’t doing that shit. So I still haven’t heard one real reason he can’t be dead dead aside from the fact that you gotta crush on him.”

Michael loved egging her on when she put on her nerd hat. Mainly because he loved seeing her come alive in this way, as if this part of her had always been suppressed in relationships and her light just glowed when she was able to be her. 

 Charlotte turned and glanced over her shoulder as she made guacamole to accompany their homemade enchiladas. She placed her utensils down before walking over to wear he perched against the counter, too invested in their conversation to multitask. 

“I mean even you have to admit that Jon’s brooding demeanor is sexy??” 

“I’ll never admit that!” 

Charlotte almost doubled over in laughter at the incredulous look on Michael’s face. 

“Reasonable crush or not,” she struggled to say as she reigned in her laughter. “I know I’m right. Mark my words, by the end of episode 1, Jon Snow’ll be alive and kicking. His character arc isn’t over yet.” 

“Wanna place a wager about that, honey bee?” 

Charlotte raised an eyebrow. “Sure… cause I know I’ll win,” she teased. 

“Loser has to give the winner massages, anytime requested, for a month.” 

“Two!” Charlotte interjected. She merely smirked. “What can I say? I’m feeling lucky today for some reason.”

“Oh for some reason? Could it be cause a certain actress, as of today, is now Tony-nominated Charlotte Bennett - soon to be Tony Award winning Charlotte Bennett-Jordan,” he amended with his perfect boyish grin that made her roll her eyes and giggle. 

“Maybe” she challenged with a modest look on her face. “Just… feeling inspired.”

 And the day had been inspired indeed as Charlotte woke up to the highly anticipated nominations announcement. Her first real shot at a lifelong dream, finally realized. When they said her name among the nominees for Lead Actress in a Musical, she felt the world stop on its axis. Everything she thought she had lost was hers again. 

Michael had been ecstatic for her, though not nearly as surprised by the news as she had been. If there was one person he would always bet on, it was his girl. And so they spent the entire day celebrating and Charlotte loved every moment of it. She had missed the version of Michael today brought out. Playful and silly, joking and laughing with her over mundane things, arguing with gusto about controversial storytelling opinions, going on tangents about his upcoming roles and his research. She missed his uninhibitedness, how he was unafraid to pull her into his arms, and be unrestrained. She just missed him. 

“Is that right?” he remarked as he reached for her, Charlotte playfully sliding out of his grasp so he could not catch her. 

Feeling emboldened by their return to some semblance of normalcy, she continued the game, giggling as she continued shifting out of his grasp as he reached for her. His eyes had a mischievous glint to them as he caught onto her game and soon they were in a full chase around the kitchen. 

Laughter filled the living room as they played their game of cat and mouse. By the time they were circling each other around the coffee table in the living room like opponents in the ring, Charlotte knew she was caught. She would have to concede and accept defeat, but she hoped that her capture would lead to a reignition of far more enjoyable games. 

She took off running by their couch, knowing Michael would grab her immediately and likely jokingly toss her onto it. However, as she rounded the corner, her foot caught onto the leg of their table, sending the clumsy actress hurling down to their carpet. She threw her arm out to break her fall, a searing pain shooting through her wrist as she landed on her stomach. 

She groaned as she lost her breath on the impact, immediately curling into a tight ball as the fall reignited a dull pain in her freshly healed ribs. She cradled her wrist against her chest as she tried to fill her lungs with air again.

“Fucking… idiot,” she forced out as breathing started to feel less like an Olympic task. 

“Shit! Baby, baby… Els. Talk to me, you ok??” 

She simply nodded as she used her good arm to lift herself up and turn around. 

“Yea, yea, I’m good. Just… annoyingly… clumsy,” she pushed out a chuckle as Michael helped her shift off the floor and onto the couch cushions. “As God… likes to remind me.”  

“Fuck. I’m so sorry, baby.” Charlotte was almost startled when she finally looked up at him, hovering above her. His eyes frantically searched her body for injury, his face blanched as if he had been startled by a ghost. His phone trembled in his hands as he rushed to unlock it. “Let me call your doctor… or… shit, your concussion just healed… Did you hit your head on anything?? We should get it checked anyway. Maybe I should just call an ambulance?? Gonna call an ambulance. Anywhere else hurt?? Your ribs? It didn’t get the same spot he… Probably wasn’t hard enough to bruise them but we should get it checked too… how’s you-” 

“Hey, hey, whoa. Slow down, baby,” she cradled the left side of his face, forcing him to slow down and go quiet for a moment. She could almost hear his heart hammering against his chest. “Take a deep breath, Bakari. I’m ok. Just a danger to myself and your expensive furniture,” she joked, hoping to calm him with humor, which didn’t work in the slightest. “Thank god I didn’t fall into the table. I know how much all this set you back. No need for doctors or ambulances. I promise. I’m good.” 

She bit down on her inner cheek to avoid the wince as one subtle movement let her know her wrist was, at best, sprained. She kept it limp by her side as Michael helped her to her feet. But the look on Michael’s face made her question whether sharing that now would only make things worse. So she said nothing at all. 

“I shouldn’t have chased after you like that. I should’ve moved faster when I saw you fall.” 

“We were having fun. We’re allowed, you know?” 

“Hurting you ain’t fun, Els. You’re hurt. Where?” 

“I hurt myself, you didn’t do anything. And I just hit the side of the table as I went down, I think. It hurts but will probably feel fine tomorrow. I’m ok, I swear.” 

“You sure?” She could see the disbelief in his eyes but she kept her face upbeat, ignoring the throbbing ache branching out from her wrist. 

“Yes,” she chuckled. “Now, can we go back to enchiladas and margs and debating the narrative choices of Game of Thrones? And celebrating the biggest day of my career? We still gotta pop that very expensive bottle of champagne Chris sent. Please? I’m really ok.” 

Her words convinced him to return to the kitchen where dinner waited. But they could not restore the carefree, celebratory aura they had 5 minutes ago. Instead, only that awful tension remained, leading to an uncomfortable silence that Charlotte could not break. 

Michael’s thoughts were no longer on their date night, but clearly preoccupied. Charlotte could almost see the wheels of guilt spiraling out in his brain. Her mildly funny dad jokes fell on deaf ears, her questions and prompts for conversation were met with silence or one word answers. Occasionally, she felt his eyes on her, studying her for signs of pain or discomfort. But thankfully, he found none and did not notice her first couple awkward bites using her nondominant left hand. 

She had every intention of telling him about her wrist once he calmed down but that moment never came. She tried to fight her way through the rest of the night, the couple even trying to catch up on a tv show together. But their usual vibrant commentary was silent as Charlotte stole worried glances at Michael and he did the same to her. 

She did not even understand how they got here. How he was this upset when the entire incident was her own fault. After all, what clumsy person thinks it’s smart to start a high-speed chase in their living room? She felt as if this was the best outcome she could have hoped for. 

“Michael… babe. You can’t just go silent on me,” she muttered grumpily, her frustration getting the better of her. “What’s wrong?” 

She had been doing as her therapist recommended, practicing understanding and grace as Michael navigated his emotions after everything. But as more time passed, she was simply too ready to move forward and growing frustrated with his lack of interest in doing so. He was stuck, firmly planted, and no amount of tugging on her part felt like it would get him out of it. 

The lack of intimacy in their relationship seeped into all aspects of their lives, including how they slept together. While they knew different rooms were simply too much distance for them, the furthest apart they could go were their separate corners of the bed. Charlotte tossed and turned most nights without her human weighted blanket draped over her. She understood the shift when her ribs were healing but he still held himself back from her, even after the all clear from her doctor. There were no playful touches or cuddling briefly before falling asleep, no more rolling away to cool off and Michael finding his way right back to her. They rolled to their corners after a chaste and subdued goodnight kiss before they both fell into restless sleep. 

But tonight, she supposed the distance worked in her favor, giving her space to gently elevate her wrist. She knew she would regret not icing it in the morning but somehow that seemed more inviting than opening that can of worms with Michael right before bed. 

“Just worried you aggravated your injuries or somethin’. You sure nothin’ else hurts? You can’t always tell right away?” 

She knew what she should have said. The truth. That she needed an ice pack and a doctor. But she didn’t. In that split second, she knew he would never let this go if he knew she was actually hurt. And she could not deal with that. It was just a sprain anyway, she reasoned. She had dealt with far worse. 

“I’m sure. Really. I didn’t fall off a ladder, I tripped. It’s fine. But if you’re gonna get stressed every time I fall, I’d rethink getting on this ride for life. You’ll be in for a hella stressful one.�� Her tone was filled with amusement that finally did, minimally, tug at the corners of his lips. She leaned over and pressed another kiss to his cheek. “Accidents happen and I’m not made of glass. Now take a deep breath and get some rest. Love you.” 

She turned over and closed her eyes, hoping that her words would be enough. But somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew they would not be. 

But sleep was not something Michael would find tonight as he stared at the ceiling, wallowing in this stabbing guilt in his chest. He did not particularly want to be awake with his thoughts but he knew sleep was not a reprieve either. This monster, this fear chasing him and making him feel and behave in ways he knew were utterly irrational, haunted him every minute of every day. 

And all he knew was that he had to stay alert, stay ahead of it and protect his girl. Because the one time he wasn’t watching close enough, wasn’t listening or paying attention close enough, she got hurt. He would not let that happen ever again. 

***

Spring had officially settled into the New York City air but today, Charlotte was grateful for the lingering morning brisk that required long sleeves, praying it would hide the swelling on her wrist until she left for work. She grimaced and struggled to get her jacket on without moving her wrist much.  Some idiotic part of her had hoped it would magically feel better this morning. But that was dumb. So she was leaving a bit early to carve out time for an urgent care visit. But she knew Michael would never let it go if he found out. 

They had started to turn a new leaf and find their rhythm again. And Charlotte wanted to preserve that, not giving her fiance any more reasons to coddle her to death. Besides, Charlotte much preferred the old version of him to this one overprotective one. 

She turned it over in her head most of the night and decided that it didn’t serve them to make a fuss over something so small when it was clear Michael harbored some unfounded guilt. She’d get it fixed and pass it off as a rehearsal injury. No harm, no foul. 

Michael emerged from their bedroom with his work bag and shoes in tow as she finished putting on her coat.

“You ready?” He flopped down on the coach to put on his sneakers, Charlotte pausing with an eyebrow raised in confusion. 

“Where are you headed?” 

“With you.”

All good things must come to an end, she groaned to herself. She thought they had finally moved past him accompanying her to work every day like a guard dog. Some good things were simply too brief. 

“Michael… I thought we agreed you didn’t need to come with me anymore?” Her tone couldn’t hide her annoyance, and she didn't particularly care to. “I went to the theater by myself like a big girl all last week and was totally fine.”

“I’m not bothering anyone sittin’ in a theater watchin’ you practice, Charlotte.” 

“Yea no one except me,” she muttered just loud enough for him to hear. A wounded look crossed his eye for a moment that made her feel guilty. “Sorry, sorry. That was rude. I just thought… we were settling back into normal life again. I don’t need a babysitter when you pay for me to have a bodyguard anytime I leave this apartment. I’ll be fine.”   

“There’s nothing wrong with extra protection. You need it. At least till he’s in prison.” 

“I don’t actually. I can handle it.” 

“No, you can’t.” 

Charlotte paused, slowly turning in surprise as silent frustration morphed into roaring anger. “Excuse me? Who are you to decide that?” She paused. “Wait, wait, wait. Is this still about last night??”

“Nah.” 

“You sure? Cause you were fine before last night and now you’re back to being unnecessarily overprotective.”

“I don’t think it’s unnecessary.” 

“Why?? Cause I tripped over my own feet? I’m gonna get hurt, injure myself and you can’t freak out like this everytime. I’m a magnet for accidents who bruises like a fruit. I’m fine. You can’t keep acting like we’re still at DEFCON1. We’re not. Things are getting back to normal, can’t we just enjoy that? Please? For me?” 

He studied her for a moment before nodding softly, throwing his bag down on the couch. She closed the space between them and kissed him softly on his cheek. 

“Thank you. I am heading to the theater. I’ll call you when I get there. Love you.” Not thinking, she went to grab for her discarded bag with her injured arm before the pain forced her to awkwardly change course and use her other hand. She started to move toward the elevator when she heard his voice stop her. 

“Wait! There something wrong with your arm?” Michael’s voice reached her as she was pressing the elevator button to the lobby.  

“No, why?” She was so close. Literally steps away. How had she fucked this up? 

“Because I saw you strugglin’ to put your jacket on and you just avoided using that arm like you couldn’t. And now that I think about it, I haven’t seen you move it all morning.”

“Jesus… you get trained by the CIA at some point or something?” 

“Charlotte. I’m serious. What’s wrong with your arm?” 

“Nothing, Michael.” 

“You’re really gonna lie to my face right now? Ok… Move it.”

“Michael…” 

“Charlotte.”

She could always tell when Michael was serious, when he did not want to be trifled with. It was just rare that he had to direct that tone at her. But hearing it now, she felt resigned. She would have to tell him the truth and she could already tell.. 

This was going to fucking suck. 

“Ok fine. I tried to break my fall last night and my wrist hurts a bit. It’s nothing.”

“Fuck, Charlotte!” He closed the space between them quickly, only pausing when he noticed the almost unnoticeable jerk of her body away from him. He could tell she started to flinch but caught herself, not that that made it hurt any less. He held his hands out as he took the last couple of steps to her side. He gently reached for her arm, pushing her sleeves out of the way to find her wrist swollen and red. “It’s sprained or broken. Why didn’t you tell me last night?? I asked you hella times if you were hurt. I knew we should’ve gone to the hospital o-or called a doctor.” 

“That’s why I didn’t tell you!” She cried out in frustration as she watched the love of her life turn into this person she did not even recognize. “Because I knew you’d lose it. I knew you’d force me to spend the night in the ER regardless of what I wanted. I’m tired of you coddling me like I can’t make decisions, Michael!” 

“So cause you’re mad at me… you lied to me? Again??? After you promised you wouldn’t do that shit again.” 

Charlotte scoffed. “It’s hardly the same thing! This was literally nothing! A few weeks in a brace and I’m fine. So yes, I omitted a minor injury so you wouldn’t feel the need to take control! So you wouldn’t focus 100% of your attention on every stage of healing of my wrist or whether a fall triggered PTSD somehow. I have this under control and handled. I don’t need help. I. am. Fine. I don’t know why you aren’t listening to me when I say that.” 

“Maybe because had I listened to you the last time you said that, I would’ve come back from LA to plan your funeral!”

Charlotte’s comeback died in her throat as his words caught her off guard. She didn’t think about… that. It was a simple statement of fact. But she didn’t really dwell on it, how close she came to losing everything, how she only survived because someone else was there to save her. That she would have died as the woman he created - weak and broken - and not the person she believed she fashioned herself into. 

No, those were truths Charlotte had no interest in dealing with. So she forced her reaction to remain neutral, ignoring the ache in her chest that had nothing to do with physical pain. 

“So you’re just gonna hold that against me for the rest of our relationship? Just never believe me o-or take my word for anything ever again?”

“No but-” 

“Cause that’s what it’s starting to feel like.”

“It wouldn’t if you were just honest! I’m trying to help you.” 

Charlotte took a deep breath before turning to hit the button on the elevator door. 

“Ok… Honesty… Well, honestly, I’m getting a little tired of being called a liar when all I’m trying to do is help us. Honestly, I’m not sure how you expect me to be vulnerable when you aren’t listening to me. Honestly, I’m tired of convincing the man I love that I’m not gonna fall apart every second because he can’t stop treating me like I’m gonna fall apart every fucking second. Honestly, I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only person trying to move past this. And honestly, today, I don’t want your help. Because reminding me with every look and action that I’m a victim when all I want is to continue celebrating the biggest accomplishment of my career isn’t helping me. It’s just more of what everyone else in my life does. And honestly, I’m. Tired. Of. It.” 

She punched the elevator button hard, a soft chime letting her know it arrived almost instantaneously. Thank God. 

“So, want any more honesty for today or are we good?”  

“That’s not wha-” 

“I have an interview in 20 minutes and I can’t be late.” She cut him off, pressing the elevator button in rapid succession as if that would conjure it faster. “See you tonight.” 

And with that, Charlotte stormed out, leaving Michael alone with his frustrations and guilt. Charlotte was rarely angry at him but he could tell she was reaching a new height of frustration. But he did not know how to stop. Even standing there, equally as pissed off at her as she was with him, all he wanted to do was rush after her to go with her to work. He could be pissed and still protect her, right? 

He despised the fact that she claimed he was not hearing her. He was listening, far more intensely than she realized. Which is how he knew that all was not well for her, how he knew she needed the extra support even if she did not want to admit it. 

And then to find out that she kept something significant from him again. Had he not proven to her that he was going to be present? And protect her from every threat? Did she not consider him capable of fixing her problems, of helping her? That made him only want to prove himself more, prove he could protect her from anything that came her way. 

But he didn’t know how to get her to see that he was doing what he had to protect her, to not fail her again.  

“Wow. Ok… a lot to unpack there,” Dr. Matthews muttered. “Charlotte, did you mean what you said? About him not helping you?” 

“Well… kind of? At the moment, yes. He’s been helpful in a lot of ways, don’t get me wrong. And I love him for it. It’s just… I lied because… I mean shit, I just wanted one day. One day to not be a survivor or victim or be reminded that Shaun tried to ruin yet another thing in my present. In fact, I wanted to celebrate that even though he tried to ruin this for me, I still came out on top. But it’s like - and I don’t even think he’s doing it on purpose, which it’s been so hard to tell him - Michael can’t not remind me of it. It’s in every look, every touch, every decision. It’s like all he sees is the broken woman on that bathroom floor. And I don’t want to be made to feel like her when she’s dead and buried.”

“Michael, do you hear what Charlotte’s saying?” 

“Yea, and I understand it but… what else am I supposed to do?? What if he comes back? What if he attacks her again? I need to be there to protect her.” 

“He’s not gonna come back!”

“You don’t know that! Did you think he was gonna basically change his job so he could get closer to you? I’m not gonna underestimate that nigga… ever again.” 

“Oh and I did? I underestimated the man I slept next to for years? I’m the only one here who actually knows what he is capable of!” 

“Clearly you did if you thought you could take him on yourself.” 

“Right because I’m just a weakling who needs big strong men to swoop in and save her at every turn because I got hurt once?” 

“It wasn’t on-”  

“Okay okay, once again, deep breaths. Whew… the soul mates ones are always the most intense. Can’t even get a word in in my own office,” Tanya remarked. “Ok, you want to know what I hear? Two people who, despite their immense love and adoration for each other, aren’t actually ready to be vulnerable with each other. And without that, you’ll never understand the other person’s perspective because you’ll never have the full story and you’ll keep bumping heads.” 

“We know how to be vulnerable?” Charlotte argued back. “I mean even telling Michael what happened to me in the first place, sharing that was me being vulnerable.” 

“It was and that’s brave and admirable. I don’t doubt that you two have had moments where you offer vulnerability. But this situation you find yourselves in is unique and trauma, our fears, are often the hardest to share with others. I think you both are acting from a fear-based place and that’s understandable but you’ll never be able to move forward. Instead, you’ll just keep holding tight to behaviors you both know don’t serve you or your relationship.” 

“I’m not scared,” Charlotte remarked. “Maybe this would be easier if I was… at least then his behavior would be understandable.” 

“We all have fears, Charlotte. And I do think there’s a reason you opt for dismissing and lying about your own pain as if it’s insignificant. And it could just be an ingrained behavior but I think you need to ask yourself if there’s another reason you don’t trust the foundation of this relationship enough to be honest with Michael when things aren’t going well. And Michael, getting worked up to the point of distress over simple injuries, not being able to let your partner out of your sight… that’s not healthy or sustainable for either of you. And that’s more than general anxiety. And in our first session, you admitted that to us both. So ask yourself why you’ve reverted to something you know doesn’t work? Whatever the reasons are, I can help you both navigate all of it. But you’ve gotta be honest with yourselves and me about the reasons behind it. Until you’re ready to share with each other how that night changed you and your relationship, you’re just gonna keep having this argument until you break. And I don’t think either of you really want that?” 

The both of them shook their heads, her words were harsh but they both knew there was a ring of truth to them. 

“Okay good. So homework for this week is to do just that. Sit with yourselves, really sit with everything the other person said today and try to examine it. Not from a defensive posture like you’ve been doing but like you know the other person loves you and has your best interests at heart. And figure out the why behind your behavior. Keep asking why until you drill down to whatever is truly bothering you. Then… I don’t care when or how, whether you wait till our next session or do it while you’re alone, you’re gonna have to tell the other person your why. And to be honest… it’s gonna suck. But that’s the only way you’re gonna make it to the other side of this. Sound good?”

Charlotte glanced over to Michael who gave her a slight nod. He reached across the cushions and gave her hand a squeeze. 

“Sounds good.”  

***

Michael glanced over at Charlotte, her deep brown eyes set with sadness and far away from him as she changed out of her costume. He would have been more worried if that look had not been a staple in her eyes since their therapy session a few days prior. Whether it was the lingering silence and coldness between them or the reflection Dr. Matthews tasked them with, he did not know. But he knew one thing: he hated it. 

And as much as he knew it would suck, he was ready to do his part to end that. Whether or not he felt as if he was doing the right thing, his time reflecting made him realize that if Charlotte did not agree, he was doing the complete wrong thing. He didn’t have to sit with himself long to understand his why, understand what fears had him in a tight vise grip. As much as he dreaded saying it out loud, part of him dreaded an endless stream of sleepless, lonely nights even more. 

He missed his honeybee. His Els. He missed who they were before Shaun waltzed back into their lives. And he knew some of it was on him. He could not force Charlotte to trust him again, but he could be a better listener so he could show up however she needed when she asked… not when he decided she needed him.  

“Wanna grab dinner nearby tonight? Instead of heading home?” 

“Not really up for it. Been a long day.” 

He bowed his head, nodding slightly. “Neither am I,” he admitted. “But I think we gotta try.” 

He knew he was asking a lot of her after the days they had. They had whiplash going from the highest of highs to a low so low, it felt as if they couldn’t climb their way out. But he wouldn’t lose her and he wouldn’t allow him to break them. So they would try. 

And soon they found themselves in a near-deserted 24 hour diner next to the theater, Charlotte stopping in her tracks when he went to open the front door.

“You wanna eat here?” 

“Yea I know it doesn’t look like much andd I definitely saw a mediocre health rating when I was here earlier but well, I had a whole reason. We can go somewhere else though.” 

Charlotte shook her head. “No, no. It’s fine. It’s just… God is funny, I guess.” 

“What do you mean?” Michael asked as they situated themselves in a booth at the very back of the restaurant. Michael sat with his back to the door, not his preferred arrangement but he wanted to minimize the chance of a random stranger recognizing them. 

“I’ve been here before… when I left Shaun.” She pointed to a worn out booth on the other side. “Sat right in that booth over there with Jazz and it was the first time I admitted to anyone what was going on. We sat here for hours, drinking terrible cheap coffee and she saved my life. Just telling her, saying it out loud, gave me the confidence I needed to do what I had to. A week later, Shaun was at a bachelor’s party in Vegas and I was gone. Shocked it's still standing. How’d it catch your eye?” 

“Came in here yesterday during the show and… reflected. Over about 6 plates of greasy fries and cheap terrible coffee.”

“Oof, reflection. I guess that explains the six plates of fries huh?” she joked with a light teasing smile that made him chuckle. “Seems like that’s our needed reflection fuel” she remarked as the lone waitress came to take their order. Once she returned to the diner counter, Charlotte continued. “And what did you learn?” 

“My why.” 

“And are you ready to tell me?”

“Yes but then… if you’re ready, I need yours. Because I think you know yours already too?” 

“How’d you know?” He knew her far too well.  

“Cause you would’ve tossed and turned even more than usual the last few nights if you didn’t. That genius brain of yours would’ve never let you sleep.” He teased back at her, Charlotte laughing lightly. 

“I don’t know if I like how well you know me.” 

“I do… know you. And I see you, Els. So I know I’ve been overbearing and probably annoying, Charlotte. And I’m sorry for how that made you feel, like you weren’t being heard and I never want you to feel that way with me again. But you aren’t being honest with me or yourself and I can’t move on till you are.” 

“You’re right,” she admitted. “You’re… absolutely right. I haven’t been and I know why. I just… it’s not even admitting it to you. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, really. So let’s agree… no judgments, no anger, no arguing… Just our ridiculously painful reflections and ugly truths laid out in a rundown crappy diner. My future is with you and there’s no future here if we can’t talk about the hard shit. So… let’s talk” 

“Ok I’m in.” 

“Pickers of the terrible diner first,” she smiled half heartedly, turning the table over to him. Her hands wrapped around the warm mug the waitress dropped off moments earlier. 

Michael sighed, his eyes trained on the cast on her arm for a few moments. Charlotte’s eyes widened as she saw his eyes brim with tears. He glanced away from her, sniffling a bit to stop them from spilling over. She reached across the table and grasped his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. 

“Bakari… baby. It’s just me. Just the two of us. You’ve been so strong for me our entire relationship and I love you so much for it. But you also have to trust me to be vulnerable, trust that I can be strong for you too. Talk to me. No matter what you say, I’m not going anywhere.” 

Michael nodded, internally working up the courage before he just decided to jump. Head first into it. That was always their way anyway, just leaping into what felt right and safe. And they had yet to crash and burn. They wouldn’t this time either. 

“A couple days after everything, I had this… dream. We were back in LA, married, livin’ together at the house. We h-had kids. Two boys, I think. I mean you would’ve thought time just sped up or something, it was so real. Everything I want for us, you know?” 

“It sounds perfect. I’m guessing it didn’t end that way though?” 

The back of his hand brushed away an escaped tear. 

“Nah, it didn’t. I came home and you were there. And so was Shaun,” he paused, his hand squeezing hers a bit before he continued. “He had a gun and he just voiced every guilty feeling living in my head. How I prioritized a fuckin’ movie role over you, how I went to LA even though I knew something wasn’t right. How you almost died and I could’ve been too late. How you probably think I’m like him when you flinch away or get scared of me. And the worst part was you agreed with all of it. You screamed at me for failing you.” 

“Michael, you gotta know I-” 

“J-just let me get this out, Els.” He sniffled and took a deep breath before continuing, “I woke up as he pulled the trigger and I freaked out for a minute. I’d just never had a dream feel so real. I reached and still there, and you flinched away from me. And it… fuck, it killed me, Els. It felt like God affirming everything I thought, all the ways I’d failed you. You didn’t trust me anymore, didn’t see me as safe. And every time I hear you cry in the shower because you think I can’t hear you o-or diminish your pain as if I shouldn’t care or act as if you aren’t worth being taken care of and protected, it reminds me that I can’t fail you again. I can’t afford to fail you again. I know I’ve been overprotective but I just… I can’t stop looking over our shoulders for him. Terrified I’m going to miss the signs again and this time, I’ll lose you.” 

Charlotte’s heart broke a bit at his words. Why had she not considered this? She thought he put all of his guilt and blame to rest but to know he had been harboring it for so long, everything made so much more sense. And she felt like the world’s biggest idiot. 

“Hey. Look at me,” she demanded, not speaking until his expressive eyes were trained on hers. “There hasn’t been a single day since I met you that you’ve failed me. I d-don’t need you to try and prove you’re my safe place or that you can protect me. You just are that by existing, by loving me and showing up for me. And yea… it might take some more time for my body to catch up, but that isn’t on you. That’s on me for not dealing with it. And PTSD is just a fucking bitch,” she chuckled, causing the deep creases of his frown slack a bit. “But I don’t blame you, not then or now. I lied to you, Michael.” 

“But I should’ve-” 

“Should’ve what? Been a mind reader? Sacrificed a job on a hunch? That’s not a fair expectation for yourself, baby. Nor would I have ever wanted or expected you to miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime for me. I don’t need a savior, I just need you to be there as best you can. And even when I didn’t realize how much I needed you, you did and came back for me. How could I ever think a man who sees me as clearly as that is a failure?”  

“You asked me to move here to protect you. And I didn’t. And now he’s back out there and I need to know you’re safe until he isn’t a threat to you anymore. You were gone for five minutes, Els. That was all it took. And now, it feels like if you’re out of my sight for long, I just spend the time on the verge of a damn panic attack.” 

“I asked you to come with me to make me feel safe, to love me, and support me. Not to be a bodyguard. And that’s what you’ve done and more. You know what I love about how you love me?” 

“What?” 

“You’ve always seen me. Every little detail, every word, every oddity and intricacy. You see everything and your love has always reflected that, has always been exactly what I needed. But you can’t love me like that if you can’t see me. And you can’t see me fully if you’re always looking over my shoulder for him.” 

“And if he comes back around? What then?” 

“Then we deal with him. I know he could come back and there’s not much I can do about it. The only thing I can do is not waste my time, our time, waiting for him to knock on our door. He can’t be our anchor, holding us in one spot when we need to move forward. What kind of life would that be for us? I never felt like I could win against him but this made me realize that I win every day by thriving. He tried to hurt me on the opening night of my show and in June, I could potentially win a Tony for that show while he waits to go to prison. That feels like victory in some way to me. And I can live with that. I can live every day knowing that every time he’s shown up, I’ve just come out on the other side stronger and better for it. I could waste my life waiting around for him or I can live it. And I just need to live my life. And we just have to be us. And more than anything, I just want us back.” 

“I want us back too. But I can’t do that if you aren’t even being honest about how you’re feeling and what you need.” 

She sighed. “So I guess it’s my turn, huh?” 

She stared at him for a few moments before saying, “When I left New York, he had taken everything. My identity, self-esteem, personhood. He took it all and left me with the scraps. And for a while, even with the entire country between us… I still lived in terror of him. Afraid of my shadow, afraid to speak without permission… to look people in the eye. I could put on the character of Charlotte to perform for a couple hours a night or for a day on set but what he created was just a shell of a person. And I hated myself for it.” 

Charlotte glanced out of the window at the cars rushed past them, the city that never sleeps indeed. 

“And eventually I put myself back together and I said he’d never break me again… never take that power again.” 

She glanced over to him. “And then he showed up here a-and I realized that terror wasn’t gone… I just let it go so quiet that I forgot it was there. And the moment I saw him, it was like I was that broken girl all over again. When he hit me, while I laid on the ground apologizing to him, you know what he said? ‘There she is… the real Charlotte.’ Like he knew I had dressed up the shell all pretty and different but on the inside? I was… am still hollow… still his broken scared plaything who couldn’t fight him.” 

Michael’s heart broke at how despondent her voice sounded. But as hard as it was for her to admit that, he could not pretend he was not glad she did. This was easily the most honest Charlotte had been with him in their entire relationship, the most revealing about her own insecurities and pain. And regardless of what it took to get there, he knew what a monumental step forward this was. 

He doubted therapy would do much for them, or him individually, at the beginning but Dr. Matthews seemed to hit a home run yet again. 

“But you did fight back, Els. You fought him.” 

“I fought him because of you. Because I saw you in the crowd. Because you came back for me. And I should’ve told you that. You’ve spent almost two months believing you failed me when you saved my life twice that night. I fought and without you, I would’ve lost. I dunno, I guess I just didn’t want to admit that when it comes to him, I’ll always be broken? I’ll always be hollow. And that felt like admitting that all that work and healing to create the woman you fell in love with, the woman I was finally proud of, was a lie. And why would you want to be with a shell? And everytime you treated me like this fragile broken flower, it just felt like you were agreeing that I hadn’t changed too? And that just made me want to prove that I had.”

“Honey bee… You really believe that? That you’re a shell?” 

She shrugged. “What else am I supposed to think? I worked so hard and when I had the chance to show him that I was different, I froze until I knew there was someone bigger and stronger to help me.”

“You wanna know what I believe?” 

“Always.” 

“I think you gotta start giving yourself more grace, baby girl. To survive what you have and be where you are today? You didn’t need me or Jazz or Lauren or Jackson or anyone else to do that, that’s just you. And I’m not even talking about your insane roster of accomplishments. You’re light, baby. I mean literal light, you lighten up every room you walk into, people gravitate toward you in a way I’ve never seen. No one would blame you for being jaded or hardened but you aren’t. You laugh loudly and love hard. You aren’t hollow, Els. You’re overflowing with life and love and light. That’s strength. And acknowledging how he hurt you, how it still hurts you, doesn’t diminish that.” 

“I don’t want to acknowledge that version of me, Michael. Especially not with you. This isn’t a part of me I ever wanted you to see. Didn’t think… you could love me the same if you saw how broken I am. I guess that’s why I’ve also been pretending like I’m fine. Dealing with all this and being open about it… I don’t wanna turn you off.” 

“I wanna see it though, Els. I need to understand you, to support you. I’d marry you tomorrow if we could. You thought it’d be this easy to get rid of me?” 

“Falling into a million pieces after a stalking ex felt like it would be enough? You must really be in love with me then?” Though she meant it as a statement, he could hear the question in her words, her intonation spelling out her doubts. 

“No number of stalking exes could make me fall outta love with you. And there’s no reaction you could have, no number of nightmares or whatever that would do it either. I ain’t going anywhere. I love you and I should be supporting you the way you need it, not however I think is right. I knew that and I still haven’t been doing it and I’m sorry for that.” 

As they talked, Charlotte felt lighter than she had since Shaun waltzed back into her life. Unburdening all of her fears and actually talking to Michael made her feel like they could actually take a step forward, even if it was a series of baby steps. 

“Thank you and I can’t promise that tomorrow I’ll just be an open book. But I promise to try harder to be. I used to have to hide everything from everyone. No one knew the real story cause if I was honest, everything would fall apart and I thought I’d lose everyone. And I guess I convinced myself that going at it alone is the only way to avoid that? And this made me realize that… that’s all I know how to do. But I know I can’t go at it alone all the time and I shouldn’t. Our love was built to withstand a lot more than I give it credit for. So I will try harder and be more honest about how I’m feeling with you. Keeping things from you isn’t right, regardless of the reason. And you deserve better than that. I’m sorry too.” 

“Apology accepted. I know it won’t be easy for either of us, I ain’t expecting that. Let’s just promise that everyday, we’ll try?” 

“That I can do.” Charlotte studied him for a moment before getting up and scooching into the booth next to him. 

She threw caution to the wind and pressed her lips to his. The first second was tentative, as if she was mentally prepared for his sudden rejection. But instead he merely encouraged her, a gentle hand cradling her neck in an effort to bring her closer. And she leaned into it, savoring the renewed intimacy between them. All was not perfect and there was still work to do but she realized that with Michael, she didn’t need perfection. She just needed him. 

She only broke their intimate moment when she remembered they were most certainly in a public place. It hadn’t felt like it but she often felt like, when she was focused on Michael, everyone and everything around them melted away. But she also didn’t want a photo on the shade room tomorrow of them making out in a random diner. 

“Thank you,” she whispered. “For being here and loving me.” 

“Always, Els.”   

***

Michael let out a deep content sigh as he found himself back in his favorite sleeping spot, his face buried in the nook of her neck. 

“Fuck I missed this.” 

“Me too… you’re a really good weighted blanket.” 

“Damn, that’s all I’m good for??” 

Charlotte made a face as if she was contemplating his other qualities. “Yea… that and other fun bedtime activities,” she offered with a joking smile. 

“Say the word and I can show you just how good I am at those activities too.” 

“Not tonight. But only cause I know you’re gonna wanna make up for lost time and I want us to actually stay awake for it.” 

“I’d prefer you be awake too,” he muttered sleepily, the late hour starting to get to him. 

Charlotte could feel the tell-tale signs of Michael starting to drift off but despite the late hour, she found her brain unwilling to turn off as she thought about them. And how lucky she was to be with him. Weeks of disagreement and strife but they still found their way back to each other, found safety and refuge to reveal their fears and actually come closer together after so much time apart. 

If asked, Charlotte wasn’t sure she could find the words to articulate the love she had for this man and the love she felt from him. She never believed she would find this - someone who loved her so deeply, so purely. Someone whose love didn’t hurt. Who loved her scars she saw as ugly and the parts of her that she hid from the world, the parts that were barely bandaged together. For some unknown reason, he did. And he chose every day to love her through it all. 

The painful stinging of tears behind her eyes hit her as she sniffled. This is what hope and excitement about the future felt like, something that before Michael she rarely felt. Because regardless of what happened with her career or anything else, she couldn’t wait to build her life with him. This love was light and everything she hoped for but didn’t believe she deserved. And for the first time since the incident, she wasn’t scared to lose it. She no longer felt like she was watching their love story in fear of the end, but that she was watching it blossom. Because this was just the beginning of their story. 

“You good?” he asked as she sniffled quietly, lifting his head to find her eyes glistening in the dark with tears. “What’s wrong, honey bee??” 

“Nothing, nothing. These are happy tears, I think. I just… Marry me.” 

Michael let out a confused chuckle. “I know it was a crazy few days back then but you remember I already did this right? Proposed?” 

She reached over and turned on their bedside lamp, Michael shifting so she could sit up. 

“Yessss I know. I’m not reproposing. I’d never propose to a man, goes against my religion. I’m saying… Marry me… now. Well, not now as in here,” she amended quickly. “I mean, we’re in bed and we don’t have a marriage license but I don’t wanna wait.” 

“Els… don’t say that shit if you don’t mean it. It’s been a long few days, an emotional few months. We don’t gotta rush if you aren’t ready…”

Michael did not want to get ahead of himself or too excited, worried that she was swept up in the emotions of the day. After all, deciding to get married right away was something he would usually suggest, not her. She has always been the more cautious one where they were concerned. But he could not deny that if she was serious, she would be making him the happiest man on this planet. He was so ready to be her husband, to vow to love her for the rest of his days. He was dreading the year+ it would likely take to find the right time for a wedding given their schedules. He had bounced around ideas of smaller, intimate destination weddings in the fall but they hadn’t found the right fit yet.  

“I’m not rushing. I can see how it looks like that but this isn’t rushing. And I know we still have shit to figure out. I just… It’s gonna sound cliche but whatever time I have with you, whatever time I have to love you and be loved by you? I don’t want to waste it. I don’t wanna wait 3 or 4 months till we’re back in LA or however long it’ll take to plan some big wedding I don’t need. You’ve never wasted our time, Bakari. You’ve always been so sure and moved with that assurance. And I’ve never felt rushed by any of it, it’s always just felt right. And this? I feel sure, it feels right. We could wait if you want to, I’ll totally understand. I know this is literally insane. But I’m ready to be your wife, to build a life with you. I’m ready for our next step and I think you are too? Maybe?” 

At his silence, she added. “And it doesn’t have to be a big thing. We can go to the courthouse for all I care.” 

Silence. 

“Say something… please. Before I pray that God let’s the ground swallow me whole from embarrassment.” 

“My bad my bad. I was trying to find the words but then got offended at you thinking I’m gonna give you a courthouse wedding like we’re two teens trying to hide a pregnancy or some shit.” 

“What?? There’s nothing wrong with a courthouse wedding.” 

“Nah there isn’t but what about your family?? Mine? You don’t know how happy this makes me. And I’m all in without hesitation. But you deserve a special day, not a drive by at the courthouse. Give me 30 days, Els. Memorial Day weekend in LA, let me make it special for you.” 

Charlotte transitioned to sitting up on her knees before literally catapulting herself into his arms with pure excitement. Michael had to roll a bit to make sure they didn’t topple right off the bed. 

“We really doing this?? We’re getting married in 30 days?” 

“Yea! I can’t wait to be your wife, Bakari. Besides, you were right, Tony award winning Charlotte Bennett-Jordan has a far better ring to it.” 

“Fuck I love you so much,” his heart could’ve exploded into a million pieces in his chest. There was work to be done but they’d do it together, every day for the rest of their lives. And he couldn’t wait. 

“I love you more.” 

“Impossible.” He stared down at her, licking his lips as his eyes filled with lust. “You awake enough now for me to show you just how much?” 

Charlotte squeezed her legs together as his deep baritone reignited that feeling in her core. His lips searched for her weak spot on the side of her neck, caressing and sucking with the skill of a God. Fuck, it had been too long. But something stopped her. 

“I want you… so bad. But what if we wait until the wedding?” At his incredulous expression, she added, “You know, think about how much more special it’ll be after we’ve reconnected more emotionally after all this, our first time back in a while as husband and wife. It could be really special. What do you think?” 

Michael knew in his brain that she was right, it would be more special and intense after a long bout of celibacy. But the smaller head that controlled some of his decision making… was less than thrilled. 

So he immediately got out of bed and started to walk toward the bathroom. 

“Ok we haven’t had sex in weeks, 30 more days couldn’t have upset you that much??” she called out after him, her surprise clear in her tone. 

Michael turned as he reached the door, smiling his superstar boyish grin at her. “I’m not mad, I’m in. I’m just… gonna jump in the shower.” 

Charlotte doubled over in laughter at him. “Let me guess, a cold one?” 

“Ice cold. You shouldn’t be so irresistible, honey bee.” 

“You’re a mess,” she smiled at him. But he was her mess. And she loved him for it.  

“Maybe but fair warning, you won’t be tapping out that night.” 

She smiled. “As if I’d ever tap out on you. I guess we’ll be sleeping in separate corners tonight again?” 

“We’ll see how effective this cold shower is.” 

She let out a belly laugh as she flopped back into their warm covers and he started the shower. She could hear a girlish shrill noise a few moments later that she suspected was him stepping into the freezing water. She had to use their duvet to muffle the sounds of her giggles as she listened to him mutter expletives as he adjusted to the water temperature. 

“You good in there? Sounds like someone’s dying?” she called loudly over the water, deciding that she couldn’t not tease him for this. 

“Shouldn’t you be asleep??” 

She rolled her eyes with a grin and turned over to try to fall asleep, leaving her future husband to his needed activities. There would be quite a few cold showers and long runs in their future. For the next 30 days at least.

Taglist: @certifiedlesbianbaddie @bangtanxmegan @reelwriter19 @prettyisasprettydoes1306 @hi888888sworld @msniaimani @destinio1 @lynaye1993 @chaoticevilbakugo @blackerthings @pipsqueak-98 @miyuhpapayuh @passionxwrites @gopaperless @injerafiend @ari17

***

A/N: I realized that the last time I updated the main story was like December lol my sweet OG babies... But they're getting married!! I really wanted to explore their recovery and hang ups before moving them forward. The next chapter is their wedding and then our final chapter (can you guess what night that'll be? lol) drop a comment and let me know what you thought!

[garbinge]

THE DATE (3/?)

Bradley 'Rooster' Bradshaw x F!Reader // Word Count: 3k Summary: Rooster takes you out on that date he asked you on. Warnings: All my fics are 18+ regardless of content. Fluff. Light Angst. Drinking. No use of Y/N. Talks of parental death. A/N: You've heard of slow burn? Well this entire story is the opposite of that. LOL.

You heard the car as it pulled down your street from the front steps of your family’s house. Lifting your head up from your phone, you saw the roofless bronco pull into your driveway. Rooster was out of the driver’s seat within seconds, making his way around the car when suddenly he lifted his sunglasses as he saw you sitting by the front door. With a small chuckle to himself, he leaned against the passenger side of the car. 

“You know part of a date is getting you at the door!” 

You looked around, sarcastically of course, with the added dramatics of lifting your hands up in confusion. “I don’t see the problem. I’m at the door, you can still come get me.” 

He smirked at that, pushing off the car and making his way over to you, extending his hand out to help you up and then walking you over to the passenger side of the bronco where he opened the door for you. 

“Forgot how chivalrous military men can be.” You were teasing him but appreciated his efforts. 

“You know, you’re baiting me.” He called out as he walked back around the car. Jumping into the driver’s seat now, he plopped his sunglasses back over his face before looking back over at you. “I know better than to ask if you’ve dated other guys in the service on a first date.” 

“Is this our first date?” You squinted, really thinking it through and he just stood there looking at you for a moment searching for the same answer. 

“Is it?” He asked, wondering what your opinion on the matter was. 

“Well, technically speaking, it could be. But on the other hand, you’ve already slept with me, and I don’t sleep with people on first dates.” 

“So then this would technically be our third date.” He thought through what you said and did some rough guessing on how you’d likely count your interactions as dates. 

“And the third date is when you start to ask questions like that.” You were turning to put your seatbelt on, waiting for him to ask you the question but instead he just reversed out of the driveway. “You’re not going to ask me?” 

“I know you haven’t dated a service member.” His hands were on the wheel now as he drove back down your street towards the main road.

“How do you know that?” Your face was puzzled. 

“If you dated a military guy, you wouldn’t have the rule not to sleep with them on the first date.” 

“And why is that?” 

“You don’t know the stereotype? Your first date isn’t just your first date, it’s your engagement, your marriage, your anniversary all in one. Military members move fast.” 

“You taking me to our wedding, Rooster?” 

“No, but don’t worry we’ll be moving fast enough.” 

He wasn’t wrong. You were now standing in the hangar staring at the plane he planned to take you up in. 

“Don’t tell me you’re scared of heights.” Rooster looked nervous. 

“Not scared of heights.” You started to look around at the plane. 

“You been for a ride before?” He was trying to find the answer to the unknown look on your face. 

“No, my dad never took me.” Your eyes looked over at the entire hangar, the lockers, the desks, the parts storage. “And Mickey was too fresh to even think about being a backseater.” 

“We can do something else if you want.” His voice was littered with emotion, nerves, stress, upset. 

“No, no.” You cut him off practically. “This is good.” You nodded and walked back around to him so you were looking up at him nearly a couple inches from him. “Just tell me what to do.” 

As you stepped into the pit of the plane, you saw a bouquet of sunflowers plopped in your seat.

“Didn’t think I’d forget, did you?” 

You grabbed the bouquet and looked it over before looking over at Rooster who was still on the ground with a smile. 

“Toss ‘em down, you’ll get ‘em on our way back.” He lifted his hands to catch the flowers and place them to the side before following you up in the plane. 

He stood in the front seat, leaning over to yours where he was tightening your seatbelt harness and then starting to go through the system. Talking you through the buttons, what they each did, what he’ll say to you when he wants you to press a certain one, and then finally talking you through the safety features. Placing his own headset on first, he made any needed adjustments before bending down and fixing yours over your ears. His eyes were locked on yours when he moved the microphone to sit properly in front of your mouth. 

“Do you trust me?” 

You heard it through your headset and gave him a short nod as you stared at his face. 

“I need you to say it through your mic.” His hand touched the microphone and you spoke into it with affirmation. 

“Good. Your mic works and you trust me. I’d say our first date is off to a good start.” His mouth lifted into a smile. 

“And if you’re lucky maybe it’ll end with you taking me to the chapel.” It was a joke, one that earned a pretty good laugh out of the man who was about to take flight with you. 

“If you get nervous, just tell me and we’ll come back down, alright?” 

You nodded and then quickly spoke up knowing that you’d have to give verbal confirmations to him in the air. “Alright.” 

As you coasted in the air, it was hard to even comprehend what was happening, you felt your emotions in your gut, but the excitement in your chest as you flew over the mountains and desert. 

“You doin’ alright?” His muffled voice filled your ears. 

“More than.” Your voice sounded amazed as you looked around at the scenic views. 

“You’ll be able to see the ocean shortly.” He said pointing to his right which made you turn your head over to follow his point. 

“Holy shit.” 

That made Rooster smile, you couldn’t see it, but he was grinning from ear to ear at your reaction. As you glided across the coast, he let you take it all in allowing silence to fill the craft for a while. Only occasionally breaking that to give you the heads up of when to look at things through the glass and teaching you certain buttons and how to read the navigation system. As you took in the trees over your current location, he spoke up asking you something a little more personal. 

“What was going on in your head when we were at the hangar?” 

That got your attention and you thought it over for a couple seconds. “I used to spend Sundays sitting inside a hangar reading while my brothers helped my dad fix up his planes. Well–Mickey. Griffin, my younger brother, he would just play with the dogs.” A chuckle could be heard over the mic. 

“Why Sundays?” His hands were on the handles as he started to change your course of direction. 

Another chuckle could be heard from you before answering. “He was giving my mom a day free of noise.” 

Rooster matched your laugh with his own. “You tell your brother I was taking you on a date?” 

“No. But if we hit that chapel I’ll give him a call.” You teased. 

Bradley couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. As he looped around, flying back over the coast again he chatted to you over the mic. “You ready to head back down?” 

“One more lap around?” You hoped he’d agree and that’s when you heard the smile in his voice as he spoke to you. 

“My pleasure.” 

________

“You take all your dates in the sky?” Sipping the glass of wine you looked over the top of it at him. 

“Not one.” His answer was quick, him sipping on his own drink. The noise from inside the bar was loud but muffled as you two sat on the picnic table outside. 

You frowned, a little surprised to hear that. “So I’m special.” 

“I’m just hoping to make it into this book of yours.” He was popping a peanut into his mouth. You already ate dinner, two greasy fast food burgers parked on one of the coast overlooks paired with sodas and fries. 

You leaned over and grabbed a peanut from the bowl yourself and popped it into you mouth too. “This book that still has no concept.” 

“Mm, I’ve been thinking about that actually.” He eagerly swallowed his beer so he could speak.

“Oh have you?” 

“I think you should write about yourself.” He spoke it so obviously, like the answer had been there the whole time. 

“Funny, I’ve been spending the last few days convincing myself to do exactly not that.” You took a large sip from your glass, clearly feeling the affliction of the idea. 

“Why would you do that?” He asked you, his face twisted in puzzlement. 

Blowing air out of your nose you looked down at the table, not able to make eye contact with him as the reasons filtered through your mind. “There’s just a lot to…” You were looking for the right word, “unpack.” 

He nodded as you said it but then shook his head. “Wait–convincing yourself, so you had the idea already?” He squinted his eyes and then pointed at you. “And you knew it was a good one.” 

“It was an idea, not a good one.” 

“I think it’s a great one.” 

Your eyes moved up to his, speaking the question for you. 

“You just spent all this time writing other people’s stories. It’s time to write your own.” It was pretty quickly that he realized you were not on board for this conversation, by the way you were chugging your drink, not making eye contact with him, getting more on edge. “All I’m saying is you should consider it.” Rooster was standing up now. “You want another glass of wine?” He asked the question so genuinely it made a laugh escape from your mouth. 

“I’ll take a beer. I was only drinking the wine cause we’re on a date.” 

His face twisted up again, this time searching yours for more clarity on your words. “Another one of your rules?” 

“It’s classy.” You shrugged without really having any real explanation for it. 

Bradley was leaning over the table for your empty glass when he paused and looked at you holding back a laugh. “We had fast food for dinner in the front seat of my car.” His sentence was evident, like what you had said held no real legs because of what you ate for dinner. Classy wasn’t what he was going for and wasn’t what he wanted you to go for either. 

“To be fair, you took me for a ride in a plane. That’s pretty fancy.” You were still trying to convince him you were right, if you could even call it being right. In this situation, maybe you were just trying not to look silly. 

Rooster laughed with a head shake, and grabbed the empties before walking around the table to get back in the bar for refills. “I’ll be right back.” 

Your eyes moved to the water, watching the waves crash against the land and then pull back out to sea. It was very much a metaphor to what you were going through, how the waves would crash hard with force, similarly to how certain areas of your life felt. Other times, they’d be calm and easy to handle. But either way, it was always beautiful to watch. Even when the forceful waves were matched with dark clouds and winds, it was still beautiful. Just like your story. 

You felt a shadow behind you and started to speak, “I was thinking about what you said.” As your body turned you were met with your brother, a smile on his face which also had a hint of wonder on it as well. 

“What did I say?” He was leaning down to give you a hug in greeting. 

“Oh, um,” You tried to think quickly on what to say and do in this situation, only having seconds–minutes if you were lucky to come up with something. “About our lives being unique.” You thought back to your conversation with your brother the other night. 

“Pretty sure you said that and I agreed.” He was standing in front of you now as you sat on the picnic table bench still. “What’re you doing here?” 

“I was going to tell you, I just there’s not really much to tell yet–I was–we’re still–it’s still being figured out.” Rambling, you were rambling now, a common response you had to not knowing what to say or do. 

“Penny had this beer that supposedly tastes like wine, so I got you that so you can still feel like you’re on a fancy date.” Bradley was staring at the two glasses that were filled to the brim in his hands, walking carefully so he didn’t spill them, fully unaware that Fanboy was at the head of the table, until he looked up. 

Shit. Luckily he thought it instead of saying it outloud. “Fanboy.” He nodded in greeting, taking a quick turn so he was to your right placing down the beer and whispering in your ear. “Sorry.” 

Mickey’s face was taking in everything, showing different emotions while simultaneously showing none at all if it was possible. “You two are on a date?” He spoke that last word at an inflection that was meant to be extra sure he said it correctly as well as you hearing it correctly, and you also knew he asked it in a way like he was trying to believe it. 

“Yea, do you want to talk–privately?” Starting to move from out of the picnic table, Mickey stopped you with his words. 

“No, no need. I’ll leave you two to uh–” His eyes looked down at the ground as he searched for the right words, he didn’t want to say date again, you could tell that much. This was the thing with Mickey. He didn’t care. He cared. But didn’t fit in the typical elder brother stereotype. He was well aware you could take care of yourself, if you needed anything he’d be there in a heartbeat for you, but he didn’t poke where he didn’t belong. Which is what made this whole situation awkward. He felt like he poked where he didn’t belong. And you felt like you were hiding things from him. Which you never did. You didn’t tell him everything, but that felt easy when you were traveling around the world. This was different. This was his world. “I’ll leave you two be, have a good night.” He nodded his head once at both of you, his eyes jumped to you and smiled. “Call me if you need anything.” His way of trying to let you know he wasn’t mad at you. It was then that his eyes jumped to Bradshaw’s, who was now sitting next to you. “Rooster.” His face still had the smallest curve, not as much as the smile he gave you, but one that was still pretty visible. 

“Fanboy.” It was said exactly how he spoke it when he greeted him. 

As your brother entered the bar, you closed your eyes and turned your head towards Rooster and opened them reluctantly saying a whole lot of nothing with your silence. 

His face was just as serious as yours as he said his next words, which is what made them so funny. “Guess we can head to that chapel now.” It was the joke that broke the tension and you let out a bellowing laugh, leaning your head into his chest, his arm raising as he laughed with you to bring you closer, resting it on your back and then on the back of your head all while he let out his laughs. 

“Give me this.” Moving to grab the beer he got you, you took one large sip and looked at him with a sour look. 

He tried hard to hide his smile, holding in his laugh. “No good?” 

“Bad. Very bad.” It was spoken through a cough after you regretfully swallowed the beer and again, both of you broke into a fit. Little did you know, you were being watched. By a couple people. Inside your brother was smiling to himself, seeing you happy was enough to make any reservation he had about the situation take a backseat for at least now. And the other set of eyes on you were Hangman’s as he approached the building. 

“Love birds.” He called out as he stopped on the sidewalk that led up to the front door. 

Rooster raised his glass to him in a cheers. “Asshole.” 

He took the comment in stride, laughing while he headed inside. While Rooster was distracted with that you went to grab his beer from his hand to take a sip out of it, anything to get the taste of what he brought back to you out of your mouth.  “Well I guess you’re not lying to Hangman anymore.” You spoke it through a gulp and your face still a bit turned around. 

“What do you mean?” He went to grab your glass and sniff it. He wasn’t going to try it, but the smell was enough to make him realize it was pretty bad. 

“That I’m your girlfriend.” You shrugged, placing the glass to your mouth again, this time just enjoying the drink.

His nostrils flared as he looked at you with humor and happiness before his eyebrow tweaked slightly in preparation to joke with you. 

“Girlfriend? I thought we were headed to the chapel tonight?”

Dividers by: @realitycanbewhateveridesire :) 🛫Top Gun Maverick Taglist:  @drabbles-mc @justreblogginfics @kmc1989 @writing-until-i-drop @jtheteenagewitch (let me know if you’d like to be added!) CHAPTER INDEX <- where you can find previous chapters to this fic!

[good-vs-evo]

okay i understand the reason why ppl put ivantill and shiguang in the same box (doomed black and white yaoi) but oh my godddd the parallels between shiguang and mizisua make me so genuinely insane and i don't see. anyone talking about it in fact. if you have i'm sorry but i need to do this for my sanity

LOTS OF SPOILERS FOR BOTH LINK CLICK AND ALNST UTC! <3

starting with the fact that i don't think their personalities align perfectly or anything but just the way their relationships operate are Pretty Damn Similar

your ignorance is my bliss

let's start with mizisua for this one!

it's abundantly clear from the fact that mizi was actively looking forward to singing with sua on the stage that she had no idea what had to happen. she was a sheltered kid from the start and she had this innocence and naivety about her that, in my opinion, is part of the reason why sua was attracted to her. mizi essentially represented all of the happiness that everyone else could have if they weren't burdened by the knowledge and the fear of their looming deaths. and sua wanted her to stay that way, she wanted mizi to take a simple kind of joy in just being able to sing with the person she loved the most. because she thought that was right.

the thing that's the worst about this is that she made this decision on her own. she never let mizi decide if she wanted this knowledge, and just as ivan said, it ended up being a burden to mizi.

and now, for shiguang :>

when lu guang decides that he's going to dive back in time to save cheng xiaoshi, he also makes the decision to never let cxs know. his mantra is to never change the timeline, and he sticks to these morals throughout it all, never giving cxs so much as an inkling of what he'd done. to him, none of it mattered without cxs. he refused lose the one he cared most about without a fight, so he fought and fought and hid it all from cxs. second only to saving cxs himself, lg's most important mission was to make sure that cxs never ever found out the true nature of what he did. because the knowledge would kill him, knowing that cxs's life was the direct cause of someone else's life would kill cxs, and lg wanted to protect him from that.

insert quote about how lu guang liked cheng xiaoshi's naive nature. head in hands. goodnight.

2. my god, my universe

i guess this one is more of a minor thing on the part of shiguang, so let's start with them lol

technically speaking, there's no confirmation of what lg's true true thoughts about what cxs meant to him, but there is that one line from the live action opening that's "i don't wanna lose my world". combine that with, you know. All Of Lu Guang's Actions. and you can take a stab at the fact that cxs meant the world to him.

and of course the famous mizisua line(s).

i mean idk what to tell you. repeatedly throughout canon, they refer to each other as soulmates, each others' universes, their gods, saviors, etc etc the list stretches for the eternity that they could've spent together but they were robbed from. thanks. i don't need to say more AHDSHFJSF

3. the meaning of death

this one's obvious i supposed but let's talk about it anyways! first, mizisua

sua's death drives mizi forward. it changes all of her actions in the future, from her lashing out at luka to her full-on rebellion against the aliens, it's all because of sua. she doesn't have the power to bring sua back, so she does everything she can possibly do to make sure nobody ever loses anyone the way she lost sua. in her memory, in a way, for her.

and now shiguang

i mean the entire premise of the end of link click was that cxs's death drives lg's every action. he, unlike mizi, has the power to go back and fix the things that went wrong, so that's exactly what he does! and when he manages to save cxs, he intends to do everything in his power to keep him

i thought i had a lot more to say about this but i guess that's it? most of my thoughts were related to that first part. and the fact that they Liked Each Other HSUHFHSDF (i love ivantill i pinkie promise)

aaaanyways this was so dumb but i'm going to post it because i'm not a quitter and it'll be more embarrassing if i spent this much time writing this out only for it to rot in my drafts so BAM hope you enjoyed this!

[leonardalphachurch]

musing about some stuff about tucker. very loose and train of thought. mentions of sa and racism

there’s a kind of analysis i’ve always found it difficult to talk to wrt tucker is the way his story is, like… sexual assault coded? it’s an aspect of his character that’s important to me and the way i write him but you understand that it requires much more attention and care than the off the cuff meta i usually put up here. i kind of brush upon it with the whole “tucker loves to be betrayed” thing but that’s obviously much more of a lighthearted approach.

there’s the obvious connection of junior. the parallels to sexual assault there i don’t feel like i have to explain? imo i don’t think the show implies that the mechanism was literally rape but there are some jokes that brush up against it, and i know some people do interpret it as such and i don’t think they’re wrong to. especially in the case of trans tucker… we really REALLY didn’t like trans tucker as a teen for this reason lol. people would just so flippantly talk about (and make jokes about?) what was like. quite possibly the most horrifying experience we could imagine. we have less of an emotional response to it these days but we’re still not a huge fan and still hate when ppl make jokes about it. tho that’s true for cis tucker too. we just don’t like “mpreg” jokes in general lol. it’s tolerable when other trans men make them but it’s still not smth we enjoy. especially in the case of tucker being involuntary. it’s just like. i know the show makes them but at least in my opinion the main crux of the comedy there comes not from mocking tucker for being a victim or laughing at the notion of a pregnant man but by treating the fact that tucker had a horror movie plot happen to him as a completely mundane sitcom pregnancy. doc is teaching junior colors tucker is looking at minivans meanwhile he’s eating caboose in the background. i feel like that’s where the humor shines in that situation. i’m getting off topic

these thoughts really started hitting with restoration though. his treatment there is just. i wouldn’t say it’s as strongly sa-coded as the junior stuff but he’s still very much being physically violated and having his agency completely removed. it’s. guh. i’m glad we were having a watch party with our discord but that scene was fucking rough to watch. i genuinely question its inclusion with such a short run time. did we really need to see tucker being tortured there. out of all of the places you could’ve took that plot it just feels like being shocking for the sake of it. kind of off topic again but

tucker is used like. a lot. physically, the entire premise of the show is about the sim troopers being used as glorified target practice. then with crunchbite, then with sigma. the way tucker is repeatedly reduced down to just being his body. completely dehumanized. it’s not about who he is it’s about the way he can be physically used. and there are also moments where he is used for who he is, like, chorus, the blues and reds, even with the sim trooper stuff he’s specifically chosen for blood gulch bc of his personality.

and there is a conversation here about tucker being a black man and the sexualization of black men and the high amount of sexual assault done to black men. and the way that the expectations of sexuality and masculinity affect black men. and the way that tuckers body is physically used very obviously has some clear connotations when you consider his race. but that’s not really my place and even in the spaces of it i do feel qualified to comment on, it would require much MUCH more attention and care to the point where i would basically be writing like. an academic essay. like that’s the kind of thing where i’d genuinely want to be pulling up papers and writings from people more experienced than me. maybe if i ever end up making actual video essays about my rvb thoughts lol.

there’s also the way tucker has an element of hypersexuality to him. he says the temple of procreation didn’t affect him at all, which like haha funny joke but also like. not to get too tmi but we’ve struggled with hypersexuality and pgad and it isn’t. fun. and there’s his premature ejaculation. the fear of someone creeping on him during his time with kai, hell, everything about his behavior in 16. “women are like voltron church the more you hook up the better it gets” just the way he talks to women in general? it is very much sexual harassment and i am NOT excusing that even slightly but it’s also very. safe? no one’s ever going to want to sleep with him if he’s saying “bow chicka bow wow” at them. he’s able to “shoot his shot” and get a guaranteed rejection 99% of the time. so much of tuckers character reads to me as someone who is obsessed with sex but also terrified of it. and like. you could go ohh incel gooner pornbrained man afraid of real women and like. maybe that what the authorial intent with a lot of these jokes but not only do i not feel like that fits with the rest of tuckers character, i also think if you look at the rest of his arc it paints a pretty different picture.

so. i don’t know if i’m going to have tucker being a csa victim be a part of our official headcanoned backstory for him but i definitely think he has some sexual trauma he’s never unpacked. and you could have that just starting with junior but to me it feels like it starts before we even meet him.

…

also ftr i’m not validating the stuff from the origins episode lol. that was written by someone who thinks having child hitler be a camper in his show is funny i literally do not care what he has to say about tucker’s backstory. it makes NO FUCKING SENSE for tuckers early characterization anyway he’s literally. the entire joke of tuckers character in the early seasons is that he’s an inexperienced loser who can’t score because he has no game whos looking for validation by talking like he has lots of experience.

edit: thank you for all the nice words but i’m nervous about this getting too far outside of my circle of mutuals so i’m turning off reblogs for now. if you really wanna reblog it i can turn them back on for you but you have to promise to be chill okay thank you

[ambrosiagoldfish]

Wanted to do this random Adam QnA thing I found on Twitter here cause I thought’s it be fun!

(I encourage you too as well ^o^)

(Credit to the original poster on Twitter of course !!)

100% my Fav, if my Tumblr wasn’t an indicator of that lol. A major reason being that he has so much more to his character than first glance (especially in terms of angst for fics) he very clearly has some self worth issues and puts that into his personality by making himself more palatable to a larger audience would enjoy. (Mean Rockstar persona) Also him looking for validation from Sera was already a huge indicator that there’s more to him than ‘Haha funny evil fat man >:)’ But I do really like Angel, Lucifer, and Vaggie a lot.

Adam ships are complicated for me. Let’s get the obvious ones out of the way, I LOVE AdamsApple, GuitarSpear, and more recently GuitarGate. But While AdamsApple is my major one, I only like it if it’s done right. I dislike when they make, for example, Sinner Adam get treated like garbage by Lucifer and he’s in charge of ‘punishing’ Adam or something like that. IDK the concept just seems toxic, which I know, the ship itself WILL have inherent levels of toxicity, but it still rubs me the wrong way. Just my opinion tho

As for ships I don’t like, I’m pretty open with his ships but one I’m not a fan of is GuitarPrincess. There’s nothing illegal with it, so I’m not going to attack you for it. Im just not a fan of it. Another one is probably Alastor x Adam. I just don’t see it. They both oppose eachother in literally everything. Adam hates Jazz, Alastor loves it. Alastor doesn’t seem to like people more powerful than him and only respect them because he’s afraid of them (just my theory) and he clearly didn’t respect Adam because he completely underestimated how strong the first man would be. but ship what you want within reason OFC

Sigh I wish. I LOVE the concept of Sinner! Adam because IT JUST MAKES SENSE! The whole show is about redemption and how bad of a soul can actually be redeemed in the hotel. Him being reincarnation as a sinner would be both the perfect karma for him, but also the perfect test for Charlie. She couldn’t turn him away, even if she hates him. She’d be a massive hypocrite for letting Alastor work with her and also just general defeating the purpose of a hotel being completely open to all sinners.

But…. Something I’ve had a constant fear for about Adam coming back as a sinner is, that Lute might kill him. I just feel like it’s something that COULD happen as her view of sinners becomes even more warped. I just wouldn’t want that to happen, to bring him back only to kill him would be worse than just not bringing him back at all.

As for what I would want to happen, I’d like to see him and Lucifer ‘reconcile’ and to know more about what actually happened in Eden. With them reconciling, I also don’t want it to be solely on Adam to do, Lucifer also has to be able to accept that he hurt Adam and pretty much fucked him up for life. I don’t want the entire blame of the issue to be on Adam because it just seems like a waste of character development for BOTH of them.

Whether or not Adam will return in season 2… I would say he won’t. I think Abel is there to fill his absence BUT I do think we’ll get him in Season 3 (maybe even teased in the end credits of season 2 maybe?) I do want him to return, but I want it to be handled with care. I want him to have a redemption arc because it’d suck if characters like Lucifer, Vox or LILITH are given a slap on the wrist for what they’ve done in the show. And I ESPECIALLY don’t want them to kill him after he returns or make him a joke character to be bullied 😔

Hmmmm, I’d like to think he’s a good dad for the sole reason that I love Dad! Adam content, but I can see it going either way TBH. Abel seems more open to people and less of an asshole, so he probably thinks of Abel as a Wimp. But I think that his view of Abel was heavily affected by what happened with him and Cain. He could potentially see Abel as nothing but a child because he see’s him as helpless after witnessing his death. (Similar to how Sera sees Emily)

My main and only hope is that they don’t make him an Abusive deadbeat or something (if they do I WILL ignore it lol)

Does this need to be answered if you know me? Here’s my masterlist 😏

I WISH I HAD MERCH OF HIM 😭😭 I’ve been trying to work on a Plushie of him literally all year with my mom but it’s been so hectic that we never got to finish it. We’ve gotten the base design done and only need to figure out blueprint stuff. But he’s currently made of scrap material. If I EVER get him done I will definitely post it here!

Well I have a plethora of them but some main ones are:

He has abandonment issues and has a hard time connecting with people.

Insecure about his looks (Face, BODY, and voice)

Speaking of body, he’s plus size 1000% IM NOT SORRY. That is a Fat Man, 😤

And lastly, he’s a closeted bisexual, you’re telling me he knew who Angel Dust was (a famous GAY pornstar in hell) but not Alastor? One of the scariest, infamous Sinners out there? Really? He has done things he is not proud of, one of which being a man named Steve.

YESSSSSSSS. How can anybody call him ugly, I SWEAR. Mask, hot. His face? Hot. Everything is hot. As for the main thing attractive with his design, with the mask, definitely the LED face, don’t know why, it’s just so NWAOHSKAIAB. And without mask, I loooooove his eyebaggs/eyeliner and also his stubble. It’s just those subtle details of character design that shows that he’s definitely not in the best head space (eyebags, stubble, and paler skin being big indicators of men’s physical indicator of their mental health not doing so hot) so I just love him a lot!

I would like to see him interact with Saint Peter and Emily (they HAVE to have the most hilarious interactions. Those innocent angels meeting the vulgar first man would be a dream come true 😭) and also Abel and/or Cain. If they make him a sinner, it’s more than likely he would have interactions with Cain at some point. Not to mention, I’d like to know how Abel died. Cause in the Bible he was the first human to die, but in Hazbin, Adam was the first. So maybe Cain killed Adam then Abel? Or maybe Abel was sent to purgatory and was only let out after Adam died? Who knows!

(And I can’t put the picture here cause of the photo limit but)

10: What would you do if you met Adam IRL

’ll take him to my penthouse and I’ll freak it. >:)

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

VERY LONG SUBMISSION SORRY I HAVE A LOT TO SAY

SELF DIAGNOSED "I'M SO NICE" NPD CULTURE IS. LITERALLY ALWAYS KNOWING YOU HAD SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. BUT SOCIETY HAS SPOONFED YOU THE PROPAGANDISTIC IDEALS OF NARC DEMONISATION SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE FRESH OUT THE WOMB, SO EVEN THOUGH YOU PERSONALLY BELIEVED YOU DIDN'T DEMONISE NPD, YOU NEVER ONCE CONSIDERED HAVING IT BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS TOLD YOURSELF "I DEFINITELY DON'T HAVE NPD, I'M WAY TOO NICE FOR THAT!"

BUT YOU STILL KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU. CLUSTER B PERSONALITY DISORDER SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

"HEY WAIT, I SEEM TO RELATE TO BPD EXPERIENCES!!! THIS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!"

IT WAS NOT BPD. THE THINGS I FOUND RELATABLE WERE JUST GENERAL CLUSTER B SYMPTOMS OR EXPLAINABLE BY SOMETHING ELSE.

SEVERE IDENTITY ISSUES? JUST NPD.

HAVING A FP AND PLACING YOUR SELF WORTH AND EMOTIONAL STATE IN THEM? ANY PERSONALITY DISORDER CAN HAVE A FP.

SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS? IT'S PROBABLY NPD WHEN I'M MET WITH DIRECT CRITICISM / RUDENESS / AND I FEEL INSANELY OFFENDED OR ATTACKED AND INSTINCTIVELY AND UNCONTROLLABLY GET SUPER DEFENSIVE AND COMBATIVE AND GRASP AT ANYTHING I CAN TO "GET BACK" AT THEM TO COPE WITH FEELING LIKE I JUST GOT FUCKING STABBED IN THE CHEST

FEAR OF ABANDONMENT? CHILDHOOD UPBRINGING + TRAUMA LOL ALSO IT CRUSHES MY EGO BADLY THAT PEOPLE FIND ME SO INSUFFERABLE THAT THEY NEVER WANT TO TALK TO ME AGAIN SO LOWKEY NPD TOO

SUICIDAL THREATS? UMM OK SO THIS IS AN ENTIRE STORYTIME FOR ANOTHER SUBMISSION SO JUST. GO FIND IT FROM MY ANON SIGNOFF TAG IF YOU'RE CURIOUS. TLDR I WAS 10 AND PLAYING ROYALE HIGH 💀

BLACK AND WHITE THINKING? AUTISM. OR POSSIBLY NPD

"WOW, I FEEL LIKE I RELATE A LOT TO HPD SYMPTOMS!!!! I MUST HAVE BOTH BPD AND HPD!"

HPD IS BARELY TALKED ABOUT EVEN IN PD SPACES, THE DSM CRITERIA FOR IT IS VAGUE AND UNSPECIFIC AND WACKY MAKING IT DIFFICULT TO ACCURATELY SELF DIAGNOSE IT (OR EVEN ACCURATELY DIAGNOSE IT IN GENERAL), AND ALL OF MY HPD SYMPTOMS CAN BE EXPLAINED BY SOMETHING ELSE.

UNSTABLE EMOTIONS? LITERALLY JUST CLUSTER B AND AUTISM.

ATTENTION SEEKING + TWEAKING WHEN NO ATTENTION? MOSTLY JUST NPD, BUT COULD ALSO BE SOMEWHAT CATALYSTED BY MY INSANELY EXTROVERTED, OUTGOING AND SOCIALLY DEPENDENT PERSONALITY.

DRAMATIC BEHAVIOUR? I HAVE MANY OUTBURSTS OR EPISODES OF LOSING MY SHIT BECAUSE OF A COMBINATION OF TRAUMA, AUTISM, AND JUST BEING CLUSTER B.

EXAGGERATED AND OVER-THE-TOP PERSONA? THAT IS LITERALLY JUST THE ARTIFICIAL PERSONA I MOLDED MYSELF INTO BECAUSE MY NPD THOUGHT IT'D MAKE EVERYONE LOVE ME BUT MY NPD SWEARS THIS IS THE REAL ME EVEN THOUGH I'M JUST FABRICATING MY PERSONALITY TO BE CLOSER TO THE IDEALISED ME I HAVE IN MY HEAD.

HAVING "STRONG OPINIONS" THAT ARE MALLEABLE AND DEPENDENT ON THOSE AROUND ME? PROBABLY A COMBINATION OF BEING AN FE DOMINANT IN TYPOLOGY (THIS MEANS MY MORALS AND DECISIONS ARE BASED ON HOW SOMETHING AFFECTS OTHERS) AND BEING LOW EMPATHY + COMPASSION (SOMETIMES I CAN'T UNDERSTAND OR CARE FOR HOW SOMETHING WILL AFFECT OTHERS, BUT I TRY AND GUESS / ASSUME WHAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS ANYWAYS BECAUSE I'M A GOOD PERSON) *SORRY FOR THE TYPOLOGY MENTION IN A PSYCHOLOGICAL CONTEXT I THINK MANY PEOPLE FUCKING HATE THAT IN PSYCHOLOGY/MENTAL HEALTH SPACES I DON'T TREAT IT LIKE ASTROLOGY OKAY? 😭 I JUST THINK IT'S A GREAT TOOL TO EXPLAIN AND CATEGORISE THE ASPECTS OF YOUR PERSONALITY UNRELATED TO MENTAL ILLNESS OR TRAUMA SINCE EVERY TYPOLOGY SYSTEM IS UNIQUE

THE HPD SELF DIAGNOSIS WAS ON A WHIM BTW I WAS REALLY STUPID ABOUT THAT .. ☹️ I HEARD "PDS ARE VERY COMMONLY COMORBID" AND I TOOK THAT AND JUST DIAGNOSED MYSELF WITH WHATEVER I FOUND SLIGHTLY RELATABLE. I SAW A VID OF SOMEONE WITH HPD TALKING ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCE + THEY MENTIONED SOMETHING LIKE "WE HAVE A GOD COMPLEX BUT WE HATE OURSELVES AT THE SAME TIME" WHICH HELPED ME COME TO TERMS WITH MY EGO AND GRANDIOSITY (WHILE STILL THINKING IT WAS BPD AND HPD), SO I SELF DIAGNOSED MYSELF WITH NPD TOO . WHILE ONLY DOING THE BARE MINIMUM OF RESEARCH 😟 LIKE OBVIOUSLY I DIDN'T THINK NPD WAS Symptoms: Kills people, eats babies, manipulates everyone, takes over the world, is ONLY CAPABLE of feeling EVIL and can NEVER be kind EVER, CAUSE I WAS CONSCIOUSLY ACCEPTING OF PWNPD EVEN THOUGH I HAD SOME DEMONISATION STILL SUBCONSCIOUSLY INTERNALISED BECAUSE OF WHAT SOCIETY SPOONFEEDS US + ABSOLUTELY NOBODY IS 100% FREE OF AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT OF SUBCONSCIOUS INTERNALISED BIGOTRY BUT I BASICALLY HAD JUST JUMPED THE GUN

AFTER A WHILE I LOWKEY REALISED THAT BPD AND HPD DID NOT SEEM TO FIT ME . AND I UNDIAGNOSED MYSELF WITH NPD TOO CAUSE THE TWO MISDIAGNOSES MADE ME ASSUME I DIDN'T HAVE A PD AT ALL. SO I HAD A SHORT PERIOD OF "DAMN I GUESS I DON'T HAVE ANY DISORDERS THAT EXPLAIN WHY I'M SO FUCKED UP AND INSANE AND MENTALLY UNWELL"

BEFORE I FOUND OUT MY FP HAD NPD. AND I WAS LIKE "WAIT, REALLY? BUT THEY'RE SO NICE TO ME... HONESTLY, IT MAKES SENSE". AND THAT MOTIVATED ME TO ACTUALLY DO RESEARCH ON NPD BECAUSE THIS TOLD ME I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT ENOUGH. I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND THEM.

THAT WAS BASICALLY HOW I STARTED TO REALISE I HAD NPD. I TRIED DENYING A LOT OF CORRELATIONS . AND I NEVER SUSPECTED I HAD NPD FOR YEARS BECAUSE THE COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS HAD NORMALISED SO MANY THINGS TO ME + I QUITE UNSUCCESSFULLY TRIED BOTTLING UP THINGS I THOUGHT WERE MEAN (WHICH BASICALLY MADE ME BELIEVE I'M SECRETLY AN AWFUL PERSON AND NOBODY KNOWS IT) . I THOUGHT MY GRANDIOSE FANTASIES WERE NORMAL UNTIL I WAS LIKE 15. I THOUGHT NEVER BEING ABLE TO COMPREHEND YOU'RE IN THE WRONG BUT PRETENDING YOU DO AND APOLOGISING TO "DO THE RIGHT THING" WAS NORMAL. I THOUGHT MY LEVEL OF EMPATHY WAS NORMAL. I THOUGHT MY JEALOUSY AND ENVY WERE NNORMAL. I NEVER WORDED MY THOUGHTS OF CONTEMPT AND SUPERIORITY TO OTHERS IN A WAY THAT WAS LIKE "HEH... YOU'RE SO PATHETIC.... I'M SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU" IT WAS MORE LIKE "LOL I'M _ AND THEY'RE NOT" SO IT WASN'T OBVIOUS TO ME THAT THIS WASN'T NORMAL . BUT WHEN I DID WORD IT THAT WAY, I DIDN'T THINK I WAS A NARC I JUST THOUGHT I WAS SECRETLY AN ASSHOLE 😭 I SERIOUSLY NEVER THOUGHT MY KINDNESS HAD SELFISH INTENTIONS I THOUGHT IT WAS NORMAL TO ONLY BE NICE FOR PEOPLE TO LIKE YOU ┛◠ ┛ ANYWAYS IT'S 2025 AND I AM NO LONGER BLINDED BY BIAS OR DELUSION COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT MY PROBLEM IS NPD!!!!!!!!! AND LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE I THINK . I AM 16 AND GONNA "TRY TO GET DIAGNOSED" SOON (NOT GOING TO EVER SAY "I THINK I HAVE NPD". I'M GONNA SPECIFICALLY MENTION ALL MY NARC TRAITS TO MY THERAPIST AND WORD THEM IN A VERY TEXTBOOK NPD WAY WITHOUT EVER LYING I'M JUST GOING OUT OF MY WAY TO TELL THE TRUTH AND WORDING IT IN A STEREOTYPICAL NPD WAY)

THX 4 READING I LOAV U (^з^)-☆Chu!!

— 🍋‍🟩🍃

[pt: very long submission sorry i have a lot to say

self diagnosed "i'm so nice" npd culture is. literally always knowing you had something wrong with you. but society has spoonfed you the propagandistic ideals of narc demonisation since the day you were fresh out the womb, so even though you personally believed you didn't demonise npd, you never once considered having it because you always told yourself "i definitely don't have npd, i'm way too nice for that!"

but you still knew there was something seriously fucking wrong with you. cluster b personality disorder sounds about right.

"hey wait, i seem to relate to bpd experiences!!! this is what's wrong with me!"

it was not bpd. the things i found relatable were just general cluster b symptoms or explainable by something else.

severe identity issues? just npd.

having a fp and placing your self worth and emotional state in them? any personality disorder can have a fp.

sudden mood swings? it's probably npd when i'm met with direct criticism / rudeness / and i feel insanely offended or attacked and instinctively and uncontrollably get super defensive and combative and grasp at anything i can to "get back" at them to cope with feeling like i just got fucking stabbed in the chest

fear of abandonment? childhood upbringing + trauma lol also it crushes my ego badly that people find me so insufferable that they never want to talk to me again so lowkey npd too

suicidal threats? umm ok so this is an entire storytime for another submission so just. go find it from my anon signoff tag if you're curious. tldr i was 10 and playing royale high 💀

black and white thinking? autism. or possibly npd

"wow, i feel like i relate a lot to hpd symptoms!!!! i must have both bpd and hpd!"

hpd is barely talked about even in pd spaces, the dsm criteria for it is vague and unspecific and wacky making it difficult to accurately self diagnose it (or even accurately diagnose it in general), and all of my hpd symptoms can be explained by something else.

unstable emotions? literally just cluster b and autism.

attention seeking + tweaking when no attention? mostly just npd, but could also be somewhat catalysted by my insanely extroverted, outgoing and socially dependent personality.

dramatic behaviour? i have many outbursts or episodes of losing my shit because of a combination of trauma, autism, and just being cluster b.

exaggerated and over-the-top persona? that is literally just the artificial persona i molded myself into because my npd thought it'd make everyone love me but my npd swears this is the real me even though i'm just fabricating my personality to be closer to the idealised me i have in my head.

having "strong opinions" that are malleable and dependent on those around me? probably a combination of being an fe dominant in typology (this means my morals and decisions are based on how something affects others) and being low empathy + compassion (sometimes i can't understand or care for how something will affect others, but i try and guess / assume what the right thing to do is anyways because i'm a good person) *sorry for the typology mention in a psychological context i think many people fucking hate that in psychology/mental health spaces i don't treat it like astrology okay? 😭 i just think it's a great tool to explain and categorise the aspects of your personality unrelated to mental illness or trauma since every typology system is unique

the hpd self diagnosis was on a whim btw i was really stupid about that .. ☹️ i heard "pds are very commonly comorbid" and i took that and just diagnosed myself with whatever i found slightly relatable. i saw a vid of someone with hpd talking about their experience + they mentioned something like "we have a god complex but we hate ourselves at the same time" which helped me come to terms with my ego and grandiosity (while still thinking it was bpd and hpd), so i self diagnosed myself with npd too . while only doing the bare minimum of research 😟 like obviously i didn't think npd was symptoms: kills people, eats babies, manipulates everyone, takes over the world, is only capable of feeling evil and can never be kind ever, cause i was consciously accepting of pwnpd even though i had some demonisation still subconsciously internalised because of what society spoonfeeds us + absolutely nobody is 100% free of at least a little bit of subconscious internalised bigotry but i basically had just jumped the gun

after a while i lowkey realised that bpd and hpd did not seem to fit me . and i undiagnosed myself with npd too cause the two misdiagnoses made me assume i didn't have a pd at all. so i had a short period of "damn i guess i don't have any disorders that explain why i'm so fucked up and insane and mentally unwell"

before i found out my fp had npd. and i was like "wait, really? but they're so nice to me… honestly, it makes sense". and that motivated me to actually do research on npd because this told me i didn't understand it enough. i wanted to understand them.

that was basically how i started to realise i had npd. i tried denying a lot of correlations . and i never suspected i had npd for years because the cognitive distortions had normalised so many things to me + i quite unsuccessfully tried bottling up things i thought were mean (which basically made me believe i'm secretly an awful person and nobody knows it) . i thought my grandiose fantasies were normal until i was like 15. i thought never being able to comprehend you're in the wrong but pretending you do and apologising to "do the right thing" was normal. i thought my level of empathy was normal. i thought my jealousy and envy were nnormal. i never worded my thoughts of contempt and superiority to others in a way that was like "heh… you're so pathetic…. i'm so much better than you" it was more like "lol i'm _ and they're not" so it wasn't obvious to me that this wasn't normal . but when i did word it that way, i didn't think i was a narc i just thought i was secretly an asshole 😭 i seriously never thought my kindness had selfish intentions i thought it was normal to only be nice for people to like you ┛◠ ┛ anyways it's 2025 and i am no longer blinded by bias or delusion cognitive distortions and i know for a fact that my problem is npd!!!!!!!!! and literally nothing else i think . i am 16 and gonna "try to get diagnosed" soon (not going to ever say "i think i have npd". i'm gonna specifically mention all my narc traits to my therapist and word them in a very textbook npd way without ever lying i'm just going out of my way to tell the truth and wording it in a stereotypical npd way)

thx 4 reading i loav u (^з^)-☆chu!!]

[mangokabuto]

Proof of Usopp and Nami being Luffy’s vice/co captains? I would (genuinely!) love to see your thoughts and evidence, bc big agree

(Context:)

Hello anonymous tumblr-using friend!

As someone with a lot of knowledge of & a great passion for real-life historical piracy, I have VERY STRONG OPINIONS about how the Strawhat crew would fit into an actual golden age crew structure. When I said "I have proof" I was jokingly referring to my knowledge of historical piracy and how the characters slot into those trends, not any sort of "in-anime/manga proof" of Usopp and Nami being ""co-captains"" with Luffy, so if that's what you're here for then sorry lol.

BUT if you want to learn a little about golden age western-world piracy, (and my "au" of sorts for how each crewmate would be recognized in that context,) stick around! :)

(extremely long explanation under cut LMFAO)

First off, as i said in my heated/j tags, "captain" did not usually mean what Oda makes it mean in OP's world. I am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN Oda is just as passionate about & did plenty of research about historical piracy, and is clearly pulling a little from wakō history, but mostly from golden-age western piracy (specifically mostly the post-spanish succession period, to my estimation).

That being said. Why he puts so much emphases on Captains and First Mates is BEYOND me, because irl they were not as important.

The captain WAS important, don't get me wrong, but they weren't the sole reigning commander of a ship. They were more like a figurehead, most of the time. This is a sortof flimsy metaphor, but think of Captains like the modern-day king or queen of England; They're hyped up as the #1 leader, they're an important charismatic face for the group, and they technically have last-say on important matters, but they are beholden to two other groups (like the cabinet and the prime minister).

During the golden age of piracy, most crews were commanded by a group of three people. These three people were usually the Captain, the Quartermaster, and the Bosun. Each filled a different role on the ship, and all three were democratically elected by the crew. In all important matters, the three would discuss together how to proceed/solve the current problem, and though the Captain COULD overrule the other two at any time, that typically got him handily shoved overboard via mutiny. By technicality there was a heirarchy of power between the three stations, (with Captain usually being the top dog, then the Quartermaster, then the Bosun just above the rest of the crew,) but in practice they held equal sway in decisions that would effect the entire crew.

HOWEVER, outside of "big crew-wide decision-making moments" where you needed to assemble the three leaders, they didn't always have to coordinate. Depending on what situation the crew was currently in, one of them would be de-facto in charge of the crew, and the other two would step back unless the one currently in charge did something that needed to be challenged, like they made a bad decision or (in a more extreme case) broke the articles.

The Captain was in charge during times of battle. The captain's primary role was as a fighter, performer, and military commander! If the crew was attacked or about to attack someone else, the Captain would immediately take charge. (Now, real pirates weren't actually violent in practice as frequently as pop culture would have you believe, but that's a whole other topic. The reason "performer" is listed in the Captain's "jobs" is that part of their responsibility as a captain worth their salt was to scare enemies into surrendering without a fight through theatrics and reputation.)

The Bosun was in charge when the Boat was damaged or needed upkeep. The Bosun was not always the greatest carpenter or shipwright in their own right (in fact, in larger crews, they usually weren't either of those things), but they would be the one to get together with the shipwright and worksmen and assess damage, organize repair teams, and keep the boat running as well as possible. The crew followed their lead during repairs, and they were the go-to authority on any matters concerning the physical boat.

The Quartermaster was in charge the rest of the time. The way the Bosun is in charge of the physical boat, the Quartermaster was in charge of the crew. They were responsible for enforcing the articles, dealing out discipline, and the crew's general well-being outside of battle. In that same way that a bosun didn't have to be a shipwright, a quartermaster wasn't usually a doctor or cook, but they worked closely with them. Being in charge outside times of battle meant that the Quartermaster was also in charge of headings and navigation, and more often than not they were the ship's navigator, or head navigation/deck officer if their crew was large enough to have more than one nav. They also usually handled the crew's finances/pay and cargo. Is this starting to sound familiar yet.

So. After establishing the roles. I don't think I have to persuade you that while Luffy is most definitely the Strawhat Captain, Nami is our Quartermaster and Usopp is our Bosun. At the VERY LEAST this is true on the Merry Go.

You could possibly persuade me that Franky takes Usopp's place as Bosun once they get the Thousand Sunny, but I would be hard to convince. (I could be persuaded that Usopp loses his position as bosun on the Sunny, but Franky does not behave like a bosun as much as a head carpenter, and Usopp functions like his carpenter's mate. It's almost like, post-timeskip, they don't have a bosun anymore, and Zoro fills the newly empty position on the leadership trio?)

Now, these roles are not concrete, and they didn't always make up the "management trio" on a pirate ship. Some very small crews just didn't have enough people that they needed to single out their three favorite guys; they could just all vote on important decisions together. Sometimes the management trio included the surgeon or the first mate instead of the bosun. There were many crews where the Quartermaster was considered the top-dog highest authority instead of the Captain at all times. Even during the golden age pirate crews varied greatly, but the Captain/Quartermaster/Bosun trio was most common.

As for the ship hierarchy, there was a trend you could rely on no matter who the "three leaders" were. Everyone was generally considered of equal importance on a crew, (hence the elected offices and avenue for mutiny,) but there was a chain of command of sorts? Or at least people who would be shown greater respect and responsibility based on what they provided for the crew:

Captain and/or Quartermaster

Bosun and/or Surgeon/Doctor, and sometimes the First Mate

Everybody else, including captain's other mates.

Speaking of Captain's Mates... On larger crews, every important role on the ship had a "mate," or an apprentice chosen by the person in question to replace them if they should die, or otherwise be out-of-commission. Quartermaster's Mate. Bosun's Mate. Doctor/Surgeon's Mate. Carpenter's Mate. Etc. However, the Captain had MULTIPLE MATES, because his job was front-line combat focused. Ergo, he could easily die and need a replacement. Quickly. And his replacement could need a sudden replacement! So, depending on the size of the crew, the captain could have anywhere from two to eight mates, who were ranked by number. That's why the captain's highest-ranking mate is called the First Mate. Because there was usually a Second Mate. And then some more of em.

The First Mate's job is to be a good ass fighter, and back the Captain up on whatever they're currently doing. They hype the Captain up and enforce the Captain's decisions, no matter what that decision is. This is why they were usually not put in the management trio on most crews, cause you could imagine. The conflict of interest. (There's supposed to be three of them so that no one member has too much sway. Which could be sabotaged if two of the three are captain and captain's favorite soldier LMFAO)

I have no idea why, in the world of One Piece, all of the emphasis seems to be on Captains as the end-all-be-all leaders of their ship and the First Mate as the second in command. Especially when Oda clearly KNOWS about the other roles, since he's written characters that fall into them like perfect puzzle pieces!

...Well, okay, I have some idea. This is a shonen series for teens and being the captain/king/etc is wish fulfillment, and wouldn't be as cool for the projecting readers if you were part of a leading council with two other mooks. But. I can still be salty about it LMFAO <3

[skyrislunaflower]

I Love Us

Honestly, I'm so, so very glad AvA is the first fandom I've actually been an active participant in.

LONG RANT INCOMING

Throughout the years, I have "been in fandoms", but I never felt like posting my own art or works, commenting on vids (i didn't have a youtube account back then, still don't), or being anything other than a silent observer.

Back in March, when I came home from that math competition, and found AvMath in my recommendeds, and just clicked on it, I did not expect to get dragged into a fandom about stick figures, of all things. I remember watching AvPhysics directly after, then finding "Wanted", and watching it with no context. I remember going to the wiki, seeing all of the content that was made, and and binging AvM and the actual shorts and literally everything else.

And most of all, I remember thinking, "I wish I could just erase all of this from my mind and experience the magic all over again."

-

In May, I took a chance and went to Ao3. I knew it was a site to post fanfiction, but it had never been something I was interested in. But I was just curious, to see if fanfiction about this amazing fandom really existed. I didn't have an account, no; I think I just wanted to see.

There were about 1600-1700 fics on there about AvA, during that time. I didn't know how hits worked or kudos worked, but I just remember scrolling down until I could find something that looked like a lot of people had liked it.

And even then, I clearly remember the first fic I touched. "Identity", by LeenaFreeBird (I'll link it at the bottom). I absolutely loved it. I spent the rest of the month simply reading, and consuming all of the cool hcs, learning what fan terms meant, having an idea for my own fic that I thought, back then, I could never write.

Because I didn't.

I never made an account or wrote. I never left comments because part of me though people without an account wouldn't be able to, and that was just habit, at this point.

And even though I stepped slightly away from there in the months of June and July (we were in the process of moving halfway across the country, I had just watched the new Demon Slayer season, and upon recommendation had binged all of Haikyuu in a week), I always made sure to keep updated on whatever new AvA/M videos had been posted.

In August, I went back on Ao3.

SO MANY AMAZING FICS HAD BEEN WRITTEN IN THE SPAN I WAS AWAY.

I remember binging all of them for the month. I sat alone at lunch (as I was new I didn't have any friends), just reading them on my phone and getting sucked back into there.

In September AvI began. On a whim I logged back into my tumblr account that I had made like 5 years ago in 4th grade to post random rambling stuff about my life (I tagged nothing but my username wth), and redid my entire blog. I was sooo happy when one of my posts reached 100 notes.

I felt way stronger, and way braver. I joined the invite queue for Ao3, because I decided I DID want an account, and I DID want to post my own fics.

And everyone was (and is) SO NICE about it. They love my fics and posts (which I still consider really crappy, btw) to pieces, and always give me good comments. Even my bad fanart (another thing I got the courage to post during this time). Shipping wars never happen here (if they did, I wouldn't know about it). Rarepairs are appreciated, and we unanimously know the ships that should be completely illegal (not naming ship names here).

Everything and everyone is loved, and this is like the one little corner of the Internet where mostly all is safe and your opinion is valued. Sure, your fan theory may be wrong, but people here don't go and tell you "that's so stupid lol, no way that's true". They'll give you actual feedback, explain the evidence that falsifies it, or add to it because they like it.

Even on YouTube, if someone posts a yellue ship video, for example, they'll get hate, or "the color quad are just siblings lol", or "they r stickmen why are u shipping them". If someone HCs Blue as a girl (ik that's been debunked where we are at rn), they'll get a comment saying "it's stickman for a reason".

Like, let people have their opinions. Alan has never confirmed the color quad as siblings, or their origin story. I know he has said that he would like to avoid romance by not making female characters, but it's not like the people who ship yellue or grapeduo barge up to his door and demand he makes it canon. They're just peaceful, and everything that you're saying is fanon. For all we know, four different animators could have collabed on the sticksfight website and each animated a different character (not saying that's true, but we don't know).

And even with hollowhead pairs. Alan created them, yes, but how does Creator transfer to father in this scenario? We don't know, because he hasn't confirmed the hollowheads as siblings either. They still get hate on YouTube.

But Tumblr just loves everyone. The AvA community, for example, will always make you feel like you posted something good. They lift you up, not put you down. They appreciate your headcanons because it provides a new way of looking at things.

They appreciate you.

I feel so much better about putting myself out there, and I know I will do so more in the future. I now cannot comprehend how someone can see all of this content and think "they are just stick figures". No they aren't. They are stick figures with trauma, feelings, pain, heroic qualities, fatal flaws.

You, tumblr, makes me feel this way.

Thank you so much.

(I did not expect to rant about my entire journey when I was supposed to be talking about how amazing the AvA tumblr fandom is, but now that I have I'll just keep it. Here's the fic I was talking about)

[moodymisty]

Hello! I've never sent in a request before, so hopefully I'm doing this right? The Emperors Children and Fulgrim are really interesting in my humble opinion, so it'd be nice to see some content. Honestly something that is either really fluffy or just straight heart ache would be neat. Maybe the reader watching as the man she loves slowly becomes unrecognizable and debauched? I don't know anything really? I love your work! Thank you, and sorry if this is wrong, or request aren't open.

[ 𝕸𝖔𝖔𝖉𝖞𝕸𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖞'𝖘 𝕸𝖆𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙 | 𝕬𝖔3 ]

Author’s note: I’ve not written for Fulgrim yet, so let’s break that barrier shall we? Here’s a snippet.

Relationships: Fulgrim/Gn!Reader (I will warn that the word nightgown is used twice but other than that zero gendered terms)

Warnings: None really other than the implication of slanesshi corruption I guess, and the implication of Fulgrim once wanting to invite Konrad for a threesome lol

Fulgrim enters his bedchambers, his armor long since discarded and climbs into the bed softly; crawling over silken sheets and blankets to lay behind you. You lay on your side and he comes closer until his chest is against your back, his legs touching yours. One of his hands raises to cup your shoulder and push the fabric of nightgown aside. Exposing your skin so he can press his lips against your shoulder, he tenderly kisses upwards until he reaches the crook of your neck.

“You seem worried, my dear.”

You tilt your head to allow him access to continue, while your face morphs into hesitation.

You are worried, but you can’t say the reason why; Not the real one.

“I’m just… I'm worried about Konrad. After everything…” You quiet yourself, and pray that Fulgrim doesn’t catch you in a lie. Though it isn't one, at least not entirely.

“Konrad lays in a bed of his own making. Don’t worry about him so much. I said what needed to be said.” You don’t face him, so you don’t hold back your face of sadness and worry as much as you should.

Konrad… Despite all of his issues, has done nothing but trust Fulgrim and attempt to connect with him. The two were quite close; Konrad desperately wanted one of his fellow primarchs to not despise him on first impression.

He was even kind to you, in his own way. He never once intentionally hurt you.

For Fulgrim to shatter his trust like that, destroy the relationship they'd had for many years, he’s changed. It was the final instance you needed to admit it.

But who could you tell? His men are his own and vehemently loyal and even if Konrad was here, he wouldn’t have the ability to understand or even care about why you’re worried.

Ferrus however, would.

You felt horrifically guilty sending such a message behind your lover’s back. But Fulgrim's gradual changes worried you, you've watched him begin to morph into something else, and his closest brother might be the only one who would understand why. His reply is still burned into your mind when you’d briefly managed to tell him something was wrong with Fulgrim without him or any of his Emperor's Children knowing.

When you return to Terra, I will send one of my men to fetch you quietly. Then you can explain yourself to me in private.

You can only hope Ferrus will hear your worries about Fulgrim and see what you mean, rather than cast you as insane. Though knowing him, the mere fact that he’s going to hear you out lets you know he already has his own suspicions.

But before you can sink any further into your own thoughts, Fulgrim's sonorous voice pulls you from them as his fingertips glide across your skin.

“My love, are you still acting so glum?”

His lips tickle the nape of your neck, a hand on your thigh pushing up your nightgown.

“Sorry, I…” Fulgrim laughs, fingertips tickling your inner thighs. You don’t know why it makes you feel a bit nauseous.

“You’re still thinking about Curze, aren’t you?” You nod and agree, if only to make sure he doesn’t get suspicious of you. He lets out a gentle chuckle.

“I’d rather you not think of him while I’m doing this unless he’s already in the room, my love.”

You bite the inside of your cheek. Fulgrim had mentioned a few times about letting Konrad into your bedroom, but you know the Night Haunter would never speak to Fulgrim again. He's long gone; Whatever friendship they had is nothing but ash beneath Fulgrim's boots. And he couldn't seem to care less.

But Fulgrim doesn’t think that, think about how he’s destroyed his relationships one by one while you watched on; He’s too focused on your body and his own.

“Relax. Stop thinking about those pointless things, and let me touch you.”

[tayjerma]

i don't have much of a good request but maybe some josh x fem!reader angst and fluffy ending? it could be set around Thanksgiving or christmas, whichever you prefer (I would do Christmas but its entirely up to you🤍).

i can’t dare to dream about you anymore

a/n: i chose christmas cause i’m native and don’t give a shit abt thanksgiving, although there isn’t much of a holiday-ish theme lol. undercase is on purpose and i’m gonna leave the ending up for interpretation because i’m not that good at writing fluff! based on gold rush by taylor swift, and did a gender neutral reader for my sanity. my first x reader fic so bear with me if it's not what u hoped. also sorry for how late this is lol i love writing but i am too much of a perfectionist warnings?: from a 3rd person pov. not proofread. christmas. reader is in college. timeline is vague and messy because i am too x. not gut wrenchingly angsty but not particularly happy either. open ending. implied f!reader, but remains gn i believe.

you had met josh last school year in college. this school year, he was nowhere to be found. so instead of staying in l.a. and sulking about him – for some unbeknownst reason, you and josh weren’t particularly close – you decided to take a train ride to your parents’ house for the holidays, because you had missed them badly. besides, what’s there to do in l.a. for christmas anyways? okay, lots of stuff, but none of it really grabbed your attention. josh did, but he isn’t here, so even if you wanted to ask him if he wanted to spend the holidays with you, you couldn’t.

did you want to? i mean seriously, you don’t even know josh like that. sure, he’s pretty in an obvious kind of way, but you have no idea how he acts with his friends. there was that one time he brought that chris guy to a lecture and the two of them got kicked out, but that didn’t really say anything about him other than he’s an idiot. so obviously, you don’t know him well enough to think of him this way, whatever ‘this way’ is.

… however, you can’t help but. josh was always nice to you in class. he seemed quite interested in whatever thing you had to say that week. maybe down the line somewhere, you could be a good friend of his. someone to lean on. but he hasn’t been in class the past couple of days, and shows no sign of coming back. it’s weird, josh always seemed to enjoy himself in class. but, who knows, honestly? maybe he left town early for the holidays. hadn’t he lost his sisters a year or two back? that must be hard. really hard. 

you can’t help but wonder what kind of holiday he’s having. is he having a fun day? maybe not, the holidays without someone as close as a sister can’t be that good. maybe he has a partner keeping him happy? maybe he was too busy with school for a partner.

what are you doing? c’mon, you don’t know him like that. maybe part of you wishes you did though. maybe that’s why you’re on the train, thinking about his stupid face, instead of your family. but… he was always nice to you in class. so surely, he didn’t hate you. and you had done a project together a week ago. and he was always so intrigued in your thoughts and opinions on the matter. but, who knows? maybe that’s just how he is with everyone. he is a nice person, after all.

right. we’ve established that. josh is a nice person, and you can’t stop repeating that to yourself. and it makes no sense. would you even be happy with a guy like josh? he’s a contrarian, almost always for the hell of it. maybe after a while you’d get annoyed with it. or maybe you’d like the challenge. it’s fun to prove someone wrong. most of the time, at least. 

but he’s also sweet, always knows how far is too far. he knows not to push things when they’re grating on the floor. but maybe you wouldn’t even call him out on whatever point that’s cryptic he’s making. maybe you’d stare into space and forget about it 5 seconds later. or roll your eyes in faux amusement.

okay, what are you doing? josh is an actual guy that you know. would he even be okay with this intense thinking about him that you’re doing? probably not, right? you can’t know that unless you ask him, of course. but maybe that’s for the better. just let the allusionment of him stick in the back of your mind. it’s not doing anything bad, anyways. plus, you’ve got your family to get home to.

the train is pulling to a stop, anyways. you need to get off and have some much needed warm tea. it’s been a long day of doing practically nothing. so, you shuffled off the train, and a nice man who had been sitting across from you helped you get your bag out of the top compartment. it’s sort of precious to be back in your hometown, and for a second you just stand on the sidewalk, before you start dragging your bags along.

“do you need any help with those?” that familiar raspy voice calls out to you. and you know he’s talking to you, because this is an empty street in the middle of a friday. 

“josh?” you smile when you turn around to see his stupid face standing behind you.

hope u enjoy <3 reblogs appreciated

[snapscube]

So do you have a spoiler free review of the Spider-Man 2 game, for people like me who haven’t bought/seen the game yet? (I lack money so I have to wait for Christmas lol)

I can give you my top-down thoughts yeah!

Gameplay-wise, it's a night and day improvement over the first game in basically every regard. I've heard some mixed opinions on the new gadget/abilities system, and I had my own hang-ups here and there, but once I got a feel for it and started actively looking for ways to cleverly use them and upgrade them it really clicked. The flow of combat is amazing. The swinging mechanics are a MONUMENTAL improvement over Spider-Man Remastered and Miles Morales. Those games had fantastic swinging, don't get me wrong, but they always had the issue of having a pretty intense speed cap and a disappointingly small amount of maneuvers to play with and master. This game introduces not only the web wings, which add a whole extra dimension of traversal to play with, but also still manages to improve the swinging itself more than I ever expected. Tight cornering, loop-de-loops, slingshots, and more are ALL introduced and work amazingly. And on top of it all, the speed cap for traversal is a 3X INCREASE when fully upgraded. And you feel it IMMEDIATELY, because even the baseline speed is so much faster from the jump. The game just plays beautifully in every regard, easily worth the price of entry for that alone.

Story-wise, I've mentioned I have some hangups about the pacing that I'm still working out. I just started a second story playthrough so I'm giving it time before I form any "final" thoughts, but my gut experience was that the first Act comes out the gate firing on all cylinders. The characters feel so alive, the world is breathtaking, and there's a ton of intrigue. But then once you hit Act 2 and 3 things speed up in a way that can feel a bit unnatural. One thing that helps this though is making sure to pace out your playthrough with side missions. It doesn't fix the pacing entirely, but there are so many side missions in this game that honestly feel just as integral and worth doing as the main story. I would say definitely try to do as much as you can to pace out Act 2 a little more with side content, cause much like Miles Morales this feels like the kind of game that lives and dies by its side stories. The secondary cast is incredible, and there's a ton of easter eggs and emotional beats that are integral to the overall picture of this game but just aren't in the main stuff. But the beats that hit in the main story hit REALLY HARD. The game definitely has the common sequel problem of shooting for a lot more and as a result kinda ends up a lot messier. The first game is still more of a quintessentially good Spider-Man tale than this one. But that is NOT to disparage this one at all. It is WORTH experiencing, for sure, I just think maybe it could have used some more polish. But there are a ton of moving parts, so I can totally see how they ended up with what they did.

I have a lot of other thoughts but those are sorta the big two pillars I can easily discuss without encroaching on spoiler territory and without writing basically a whole article.

[levis-poison-is-my-medicine]

How do you think Levi would be around a yandere scout? Specifically the manipulative type. How would he deal with that?

Thanks for the ask, this was a very interesting topic to dive into!

Let's go with a typical yandere girl for this scenario. In the beginning, they usually act very sweet and caring, though this behavior soon becomes violently obsessive and even harmful. In a scout setting, the girl probably spent years obsessing over Levi from afar, going so far as to go through the entire military training process and joining the scouts for the sole purpose of being close to him. She likely can't stand the thought of other people being close to him, especially those she perceives as a threat, like other women, so she'd try to drive them away from him. I could imagine a yandere scout trying to secretly dispose of her rivals during a mission and make it seem like her victims fell prey to a Titan, then act all innocent in front of Levi.

Only, Levi is canonically a very observant and attentive person, so I think he would pick up on this kind of behavior right away, before it even gets a chance to escalate like this. He'd definitely notice how differently she treats him compared to the others, and sense her true colors beneath her ever-so-sweet veneer. His perceptiveness has been shown throughout the story over and over again, along with his kindness and compassion. (For instance, he noticed when Hange was upset after pastor Nick died in chapter 52, and he comforted Eren after the events in the underground cavern in chapter 67. He also was the first to ask Armin what was wrong when he noticed him being upset over killing an MP to save Jean in chapter 59, and went on talking it through with him, comforting him. And these are just some examples.) So I think there's no doubt about the fact that he possesses a very high emotional intelligence, one that would enable him to see right through the yandere's façade. Moreover, he probably had to deal with all sorts of shady characters in his days in the underground, so altogether, I think it's very unlikely that he'd fall for any of her manipulation tactics.

I think he would be very direct in calling her out for her behavior, and possibly have her dismissed from the scouts if he truly deemed her dangerous. There's just no way he would allow her to put his comrades' lives into danger, especially knowing how much he values and cares for their lives, so he wouldn't hesitate to take the necessary steps to ensure their safety.

To sum it up, I don't think Levi would be too unsettled by a yandere scout, because he would see right through her behavior and call her out for it right away. If it was only an obsession with him, annoying but harmless, he'd likely just try to distance himself from her, making it clear he’s not interested. But he'd definitely draw the line if he truly believed she posed a danger to his comrades. That kind of girl would not stay in the scouts for long, lol.

That being said, I'm in no way an authority when it comes to Levi, so this is all just my personal opinion.

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Hello

I am a recent fan of Supernatural. I finished the series in just two months and wanted to try to make friends with the fandom of the series in my country because I am Brazilian. I joined a group and was excited to talk to people who were as passionate about the show as I was.

I met a really cool girl who told me that she believes that Jensen is Misha and has a romantic relationship. At first, I didn't want to believe it because it seemed like a fan theory that ships Destiel and wants to go further and ship the actors too.

Anyway, this girl told me things that rented a triplex in my head. I thought about it so much that I started looking for information until I found your post on Tumblr explaining Jenmish in chronological order.

I spent hours reading about it and noticing every detail. What I have to say is that you analyzed everything in such an excellent way. This post is of public service in my opinion. Knowing all of this warmed my heart because I was kind of so sad about what happened to Castiel and Dean at the end of the series. The possibility of Jenmish being real made me happier than words can describe. It may be a silly thing but I will believe in it as long as Jensen and Misha keep giving as many possible signs.

I sent your article to my friends in the group and even those who didn't believe in it now believe it. LOL.

Anyway, it was a long speech but I would like to ask something.

What do you think about Misha's relationship with his new girlfriend Emily?

Do you think Misha has been a little more restrained towards Jensen because of this new relationship?

I'm asking because I'm new to this fandom and I don't know much about it, so I wanted to know your opinion because I love your analyses.

(Sorry for any mistakes, I don't speak English, I'm using the translator to write this. :))

oh my gosh, thank you! it always blows my mind when i find out that my obsessive little project has spread so far. i'm glad i could be of service! xD and don't worry, the english is great.

i actually don't know a lot about emily, as it was only relatively recently that misha made his relationship with her public. i think it's great that they're happy together, but my policy with real people is that i only engage with what they have deliberately chosen to share. the hijinks that misha and jensen get up to knowing they're on camera is entirely fair game to speculate on, in my opinion, but if they haven't chosen to share anything publicly, i think it should stay private and i generally won't speculate on it.

while i suppose it's possible, it doesn't really seem to me like misha has actually toned much down, to be honest. he's said that emily and jensen are really good friends, and i doubt he'd be in a serious relationship with anyone who wasn't supportive of the fact that he's polyamorous.

but since emily doesn't really have a public persona like misha and jensen do, i don't want to be too nosy or speculate about her too much. she and misha seem happy together, and that's really all i want or need to know.

i'll say though, that for someone who is new to cockles and has had a look at the sheer size of my cockles masterlist, i can see how it might seem like things have been more quiet or uneventful recently. the sheer amount of cockles content makes it seems like insane events must be happening all the time, and if they're not, something might be wrong!

however, it's extremely normal for there to be long periods of nothing between majors cockles incidents. all the entries on that long list have been spread out over fifteen years! actually, in the last few years we've had quite a bit MORE cockles than we used to get, as we've gotten several jensen/misha panels during the regular convention season in america, due to jared missing several cons and misha taking it his place. it used to be that we got ONE cockles panel a year! we would look forward to jibcon in italy all year, because it was practically the only time we'd get to see them on stage together.

sadly, we do get less cockles outside of conventions nowadays, since the guys are busy with different projects and live far away from each other. but we got several shared panels this year, and they were clearly thrilled to be together every time. :)

anyway, i hope that answers your question! i completely agree with you about the comfort and happiness that cockles brings in light of the tragedy of destiel, it really does help the heartache to know that for once it was real life that got the happy ending. take care! <3