#theres no longer someone i trust to talk abt this with

[29121996]

.

[bennitastisch]

im in my first ever relationship and even tho we’ve been going out for 2 years now i feel like i could lose him every day bc my parents kicked me out even tho they promised me they would never do that and now i dont talk to them anymore and how am i supposed to know he wont do the same

[11queensupreme11]

QUEEN ITS LIKE 2AM HERE, AND I CANT SLEEP CUZ YOUR NEWEST CHAPTER IS STRESSING ME TF OUT STOPP 😭

When i read the TWs, my eyes literally bulged out hahwhwjwk

As a hard core posy fan, i was fed the finest of feasts this chapter <3 lol i already know pillow-humper, skin-licker, daughter-lover, vouyerism-fetishizing, daddyseidon is a bit freaky but aint no way his first major fatherly disciplinary action is TO SPANK HER, and mf was smirking too 😭

this is even more wild to think abt considering that blud has never had a child to discipline before, so im pretty sure this scenario was floating in his crusty ass mind for a while and now hes finally had the chance to act on it

Another thing, i thought the whole ichor tasting scene was the cause for the cannabilism TW and i was like oh ok 🙂 and then my jaw dropped 😭😭 BEELIE 😭😭

I was a beelcy stan from the very beginning. Still am. But his recent actions — him just not saying that he fcked up and shouldnt have made that deal w loki, his newfound jealousy and rage against anthonious (leave him alone, he sounded hella cute in that pov and in his other interactions w our loser stop😔), and lastly WHAT HE DID TO MIMIR theres no going back 😭 i feel like all the love ur giving to beel this act 1 is like our hook but then youre gonna make him such an unhinged and even hateable yan (tbh u've been hinting at that a loooong time ago but my delulu ahh kept coping, correct me if im wrong, yes im still coping). Like i have this feeling that by the end, beels gonna be one of the people percy would start to hate a lot, maybe even the most cuz, while i havent read or watched pjo, i know that his character has a lot to do w loyalty as a trait. This then gives way for other yans to swoop in and get close to her, i see you author 😡.

Sooner or later, all of beels advantages will be stripped away from him: (1) him not being related since now theres anubis and loki, (2) his knowledge of her identity/being someone she can talk to without having to be careful with her words, since loki already knows and eventually everyone else will know, (3) her friendship w him/the trust that he'll have her back because my god he keeps fucking up and all his problems will blow up sooner or later cuz he keeps bottling it up, (4) the possibility of maybe having a normal relationship w her since mimir squashed that down. There could be more but im too braindead to think rn

You're honor, i cant defend him no more 😭

As a beelcy fan, im rolling on the floor, puking tears. But as someone who has been craving apollo and hades, and is currently warming up to loki, im so 💙💙💙

Im supposed to be asleep so i can continue drawing later, but then you dropped this nuke on me and i dont know what to do w my thoughts 😞

"pillow-humper, skin-licker, daughter-lover, vouyerism-fetishizing, daddyseidon is a bit freaky but aint no way his first major fatherly disciplinary action is TO SPANK HER, and mf was smirking too 😭"

pls i'm crying at the names 😭😭 poseidon's no longer the god of the seas or god of gods, he's just.... pillow-humer, skin-licker, daughter-lover, and vouyerism-fetishizer LMAO I CONSIDER THAT AS AN UPGRADE 😂😂😂😂😂

and yes daddyseidon has been WAITING for the moment to finally 'discipline' her 💀💀 he just didn't think she'd try to risk her life for it, but whelp, she's okay now so he can spank her for it later 😂😂😂

and as for beelie.... 😔

oh beelzebub, whatever are we gonna do with you 🥲

for your sake, everyone should keep their expectations for beelzebub low. i mean technically, you should do that for all the yans, but beelzebub ESPECIALLY 😂😂

[chihirolovebot]

How do u think it would've gone if, say, Kirumi hadn't killed Hoshi for some reason (either she decided not 2 kill anyone or chose someone else) and he was there through the rest of the fic

Also phys x any little guy is always a great ship

ok talking abt depression and suicide below the cut .

i kind of often regret not keeping houshi alive at least for a little longer. i think theres something so evil in the way his arc ends in canon like ... this guy is suicidal and the game is just like yeah well . some people are i guess. and then he dies . like cool . i feel as though he was supposed to be foils to both toujo and saihara, but theres just something so weird and cruel about the way his story pans out that it feels super unfulfilling .

if i did keep him around his arc in sleep awake would almost definitely be about trying to overcome his mental illness. that's not to say he would, of course , because depression isn't something that can be cured in a matter of weeks, but i think the important thing is getting him to a place where he at least WANTS to try and be better . i think i would take the opportunity to show his and phys' journeys side by side a lot , considering they would be going through a lot of the same beats about overcoming depression, guilt and suicidal ideation.

as for phys's relationship with houshi . its interesting. i think phys would initially see him as some kind of dark mirror to themselves, like this is what i would become maybe if they didnt have the professor to initially try to help them heal and such. i think they would really want to help him but would be completely unsure how to go about it other than just talking to him honestly about being in a very similar mental state themselves. i think phys would be very empathetic to houshi, maybe even getting overly attached quite quickly because of how they see themselves in him. it would take a lot for houshi to open up to them considering how wary he is of basically everyone, but it's that kind of innate trust of knowing oh, you're like me. you wouldnt judge me because you're like me.

just. something abt the inherent eroticism of seeing urself in someone else and knowing theyre the only one that could rly understand.

[transgenderer]

Think you've made this post before, but what would you recommend for someone who wants to know why you like TMG so much? (Have listened to basically nothing by them)

this is a subtly different question than the usual "what should i check out from them". and its interesting! so to me there's a "classic trio" of mountain goats albums: all hail west texas, tallahassee, and the sunset tree. they tend to be more direct, and therefore more immediately achieve their goal, which is "make you feel something intensely, something youre not used to feeling, or which you dont have the words for". like...there's an *emotion* to no children, a specific and intense emotion, for which the language is lacking. theres this one tweet abt tMG that really clicked with me, that people who like tMG a lot are often distant from their emotions, and jd is really good at tunneling through your emotional walls and letting the dam out

so anyway thats the main thing, they make you FEEL a lot, with the words, and especially with the way john darnielle sings, which is not traditionally good but imo has an unusually large amount of emotion in it. but another major aspect is that a lot of his songs, especially the pre-2000 stuff, are telling a weird ambiguous interesting story. a lot of his early songs are these weird cryptic little poems, which i find very compelling. here's one, its called love hymn to aphrodite:

The sunset gets a little longer every night And it's no good but I feel alright The sky turns orange and the colors start swirling You float downstairs, your body spinning in perfect circles It's the 18th of July What what are you doing

part of what makes this work is the trust i have in JD as an author. i dont know what he meant, but i believe he meant *something*, and something that was at least interesting to 90s-JD. which makes these songs fun impossible puzzles

ANYWAY so thats one thing. and then his modern stuff, the appeal there is like...so he used to do a lot of love songs, right? i mean thats sort of what he made his name in. but he hasnt made a love song in nearly 15 years, i think the last one was on heretic pride in 2008. his songs are are about rarely discussed events, emotions. hell make an album about professional wrestling, or goths, or the fall of paganism in the roman empire, and it feels silly when you say it but its not silly, theyre like...actually affecting! and part of this is that theyre often metaphors for more down to earth stuff but sometimes theyre not. sometimes its just a song about the band gene loves jezebel, and its a good song. anyway. theres a lot of novelty

but the CORE the core of all of it, is the lyrics are just...really really good. you mentioned earlier, that most song lyrics sound bad when you just write them out with no music. and this is true! but its not true of tMG, at least not imo. imo their lyrics stand up to a remarkable amount of scrutiny, their lyrics *make sense*, theyre talking about something, something specific, theres no...platitudes, no vague generalities. theyre telling stories! which is weirdly rare! when i was like 13 i was briefly really into fandom music (like, fan music for some property) for this trait, of music that means something specific. but yeah. the lyrics are good and jd makes them shine with the emotion in his voice

oh i spent most of the time explaining. i guess it depends a lot on what style you like. he had a period like 2001-2012 or so when he was doing a lot of stuff in a more like traditional "rock" ish style to varying degrees, the stuff before 2000 is mostly super lo fi which i love but you may not, post 2012 his stuff has often been like...idk, almost jazzy? not like jazzy jazzy. soft rock? i dont know music words. anyway. uh. yeah. i would rec listening to sunset tree, tallahassee, and all hail west texas, then try a song or two from other albums and see if theres any whose sound you like

[genderfluidbf]

the beekeeper's apprentice: mary russell book one

synopsis (via goodreads): Long retired, Sherlock Holmes quietly pursues his study of honeybee behavior on the Sussex Downs. He never imagines he would encounter anyone whose intellect matched his own, much less an audacious teenage girl with a penchant for detection. Miss Mary Russell becomes Holmes's pupil and quickly hones her talent for deduction, disguises and danger. But when an elusive villain enters the picture, their partnership is put to a real test.

rating before reread: ★★★★★

rating after reread: ★★★★

general thoughts: i have changed as a person since i last read this! i am no longer the pretentious middle schooler so deeply enamoured by holmes and russell's deductive skills. instead, i think, i favor the growth of their relationship and trust in one another.

laurie r king's writing style for this series is honestly immaculate. she has successfully infiltrated the mind of mary russell. its a period piece told from the perspective of a young woman, and shes managed to capture that spirit through her descriptions.

i take off a star however, for repeated rereads. its never going to compare to the first time i read it. its hard to say anything abt the cleverness, for me, when i already know whats gonna happen.

spoilers under the cut!!

firstly i suppose i gotta talk abt the relationship between holmes and russell. gotta say, i love it? but in later books the foundation we've laid here takes a bit of a sinister tinge. for now tho, i love it.

they save each other!!!!! its directly talked abt in the book but to paraphrase, russell saves holmes from dying of boredom, and holmes saves russell from becoming a worse version of her aunt.

they provide each other companionship and a whetstone to hone their minds against. say what u will, but sherlock holmes needs someone to go up against, who can be an equal to him and put him in his place if need be.

laurie r king describes their playact of a falling out in this way: "Holmes and I had only a few days to perfect our rôles of the two friends now turned against each other, the father and daughter alienated, the near-lovers become bitterest, most implacable of enemies"

if i am to criticize one thing in this book, it is their weird relationship. she is 15 when they meet, and he is like, definitely in his 60s. as a middle schooler i was quick to justify and defend my hero, sherlock holmes, but now i find it hard to not feel a little uneasy. i will say tho, the way laurie r king writes their relationship helps to assuage my concerns. it doesnt feel predatory.

anyways, onto mrs. hudson and dr. watson. some say watson is portrayed poorly here. i think it can go either way. those who want all of their characters to be smart and capable in all ways see watson diminished into a bumbling fool. i think tho that watson is aptly characterized, if we're basing it off of the original stories. he is fiercely loyal, an excellent doctor, and, quite frankly, incapable of pulling off some of the more delicate schemes needed to be on the level of sherlock holmes. yes, he is written to be a bit of a fool, but not i would think in a malicious way. he has a big heart, and many other wonderful qualities. he is not, however, capable of disguising himself and losing a tail.

mrs. hudson is a girlboss.

the daughter of moriarty being the villain is perhaps a bit trite? but perhaps thats also why its clever. u dont expect it. moriarty is dead, this is not connected to the original stories, and in the original stories i dont believe theres a mention of his family.

its late, and im getting tired, and i am quite certain no one will read this, so i will end my nonsensical babbling here.

[theminecraftbee]

i am on my knees and holding your hands in my own shaking ones and im trying to kiss ur knuckles but i cant see shit through the tears. im so happy. im so so happy im gonna be freaking out for literally months. you dont Know how happy i am theres literally no way to describe this happiness god. god. good god god god i love you i love your work. your thoughts. black box has my whole heart you don't get it im gonna cry. fuck

also i would love to know why its never getting finished if u dont mind talking abt it. which u dont cause u alluded to asking abt it in the tags but yk.

augdhsgdjdhr

i am so glad you are happy. honestly a bit worth it to post the scary unfinished thing to post for the fact that a few people are happy about it (and getting to hear a few friends ramble at me about it one last time, hahaha.)

as for why i won't finish it... the easy answer is "sometimes i just stall out on writing/doing something and often when that happens i cannot get the machine to start again". however there are also several like... concrete reasons. reasons i'm going to put under the cut with a warning of "there are a few fandom salt-y things that are happening here so if you don't want to see that, look away".

so the easiest to identify reason this won't be long? yeah it'd have to be WAY longer than black box. you saw how glacial the early pacing is, and there was still a lot i needed to get through. the length started getting daunting and like... that chilled me a bit on writing it, especially as i started getting distracted by other things.

the next reason is... hm. i don't know if i like how it plays next to the actual prison arc. something something, i played it dead straight and dark in ways that the actual prison arc did not... which is wild, given that the prison arc is one of the darkest arcs of the dsmp. but you know, somehow i did. and i knew i was doing it when i wrote it! i knew it would be way darker than the dsmp itself would actually play! but at the same time, the combination of "i am taking this really seriously" and "but the character who was actually in the prison is the villain of this fic" makes it all play... weirdly. it's weird. i have mixed emotions.

i have mixed emotions about some of my writing too that i won't get into just know "i like parts a lot i don't like parts a lot". i will say that i am still the only person who can write techno's chat even reading this now,

but also... honestly? the tommy stuff.

so i like c!tommy. i also like c!techno. i am aware black box is mostly popular with techno enjoyers. i know tommy is not currently well-liked by a lot of techno enjoyers. i know i couldn't write some of techno and tommy's relationship here - ESPECIALLY the argument they have when tommy leaves, in which both of them are meant to be wrong to some extent - without having a few people yell at me for it. and like... maybe no one would have yelled at me. lord knows that my fears of people yelling at me for daring to put character death in stuffed bird have not come to pass. but at the same time... the way the fandom acts around tommy and techno is exhausting.

and the only way to rectify that would have been to gut something kinda core to what i was writing, which is to say, that everyone's messy, fucked-up relationships as a result of what had happened were core and tommy and techno's was one of them. and that their relationship is messy. and neither of them are wrong, they're just messy, a thing that i don't trust people to like, get. so that... soured me on writing it, a little bit.

(god i wish c!techno wasn't the single biggest lynchpin of controversy on the dsmp. god i wish that my funny little blorbo was someone i could talk about in this fandom without it becoming a lightningrod of. whatever the hell techno discourse has become at this point. alas. ...you may be getting a sense for why i'm not super interested in the dsmp anymore, alongside the fact that i flat out do not believe them when they say they're going to do things anymore.)

uh, other than that, some of the other ones include "i disagree with what wilbur did with ghostbur and was going to just ignore that and am still just going to ignore that into the future, but that was important", "sbi in general is sure a thing", "i have some mixed emotions about the fact that parts of the ending of this universe arguably end up better than the dsmp does given the catalyst for it", and "canon after i started writing suggests ranboo should be somewhere but hell if i know where".

anyway that's all probably STILL secondary to "this thing would probably need at least another 30k words and that's probably what ultimately stalled me out in the end, glacial pacing and the needed length". but as you can see, there are also... other things.

ultimately i did end up taking your anon suggestion, i think sharing what i had was a good idea and i'm glad people liked it (and seem to like what i was planning on doing with it), even if i can't really bring myself to finish writing it anymore! so that's good.

(finally, disclaimer: please don't use this to bounce off and ask me any dsmp discourse-y questions, because i just won't answer them on this blog. lol. i just figured i could give this answer and explain a bit of where my dsmp stuff went.)

[spongebob-autisticquestions]

(some of these r taken from fact sites bc i love learnjng new stuff abt cats and cant remember everything i did 4 years ago when i researched cats to hell and back)

so cats are just so cool, because theyre just little guys! i know of over 100 breeds that exist ajd have a poster in my room of nearly all the purebred ones but theres still mounts of mixes and i have a whole list in my notes app of all the ones google could tell me (i hyperfocused for 3 hours and listed them all). cats average lifespan is 15 years and the oldest cat i ever had was around 23. they sleep from 12-18 hours per day which means over half cats lives are spent asleep, and they like to each have their own litter box if you have multiple in the house!! they spend up to a third of their waking hours grooming (1/6th of their whole life)!! they live longer if they stay indoors and purring is a self soothing behavior that they make both when distressed and happy :] they can and will refuse to eat food theu dont like until starvation and most of them are lactose intolerant which i personally find funny bc of the stereotypical cat-milk association. female cats can get pregnant at just 4 months old and grapes, raisins, onions, garlic, and chives are all deadly to cats!! catnip actually is the equivalent of lsd or weed to cats and has the same effects- it wears off in 15 minutes though, even if the cat is in sniffing distance : D!! cats groom because the stimulation brings bl//d (censored for my triggers) to the surface and relaxes them, and cats curl their tail into a question mark when they want to play (like an actual “wanna play?” kdjdjsjdjd). slow blinking is the equivalent of a “kitty kiss” and is a display of trust and affection. blink back! cats only meow to humans (not other cats) and have a special “vocabulary” with their owners, variating from purrs, vocalizations, etc! cats can make up to 100 different sounds (dogs can only make 10 kdjjdjdjd). cats find eye contact threatening and when they rub their cheek or headbump something/someone they are actually claiming it as their own! they have scent glands in those areas : D. cats can yawn as a way to end conflict, like a “talk to the hand” gesture of sorts. okay thats all for today sorry ghat this is a particularly long ask i just. c a t s <33333333333

thank you so much lia!! you’re great :]

-cat anon

Cats are awesome and I really hope to have my own cat one day! I find it surprising so many are lactose intolerant though

[artificialqueens]

By Your Side (Biadore) - Candy Cane

A/N: just a oneshot based off of a prompt sent in that asked for bianca finding out abt adore’s onlyfans! its not quite that tbh but the words take me where they want to go lol please enjoy!! <3 theres some other things ive been trying to work on but its slow going rn as my cat is very sick and a lot of my time and energy has been dedicated to him, but i hope to get more out soon!

It’s only been a few months into quarantine when Adore finds herself on the phone with one of her oldest friends. Like, old physically not old as in how long they’ve known each other. But to be fair, there aren’t a ton of people she’s been friends with longer than she’s been friends with Bianca. Courtney and Darienne too for that matter.

She loves Bianca. Their friendship is something precious to her, and surprisingly this is only the second phone call they’ve had since quarantine has started. They talk basically every day through texts, and that’s on top of the hours they spend going back and forth in the ABCD group chat with Courtney and Darienne. The four of them have something special, all of them realize that. There’s just something specifically between her and Bianca that Adore’s never really been able to place her finger on.

Out of the blue this morning Bianca simply… called her. Adore spends a full moment staring at the CallerID trying to figure out where the fuck this is coming from. With an uncertain frown, she answers the phone, hanging upside down off the side of her bed of course.

“So… OnlyFans? Seriously?” Bianca asks incredulously, her voice crackling over the phone speaker.

What a way to start a conversation after not hearing each other’s voices for like a month! Even though Adore can’t see her face, she can practically hear the raised eyebrow.

“Fuck you,” Adore laughs, unable to help smiling at Bianca’s playful accusations.

“Not that I’m mad, but why fucking OnlyFans? Aren’t bitches doing podcasts now?”

“I’m bored, okay? There’s not a lot to do but drink and masturbate, and drinking hasn’t really been doing it for me lately. Plus, I gotta make money somehow,” Adore grumbles through an explanation, lifting herself up and sprawling out on her bed awkwardly.

“Do I need to set up an intervention? You know I will,” Bianca says with faux seriousness, “Seriously though, if you need some help…”

Adore frowns down at her phone. She hates pity, she hates unnecessary worry, and she definitely hates burdening people with her bullshit.

“B, I’m fine, I promise,” she says earnestly, “I guess I just… I miss you. A lot. And we can’t see each other right now and it fucking sucks and I’m really lonely-”

“Come over.”

“What? I can’t, B, we’re quarantined…”

“When’s the last time you left your apartment?”

“Uhh, I dunno, maybe a month ago?’ Adore answers, unsure of where Bianca is going with this.

“Okay, that’s well over two weeks. Come hang out with me for a few days, get some human interaction, I’ve been needing it myself. I haven’t gone out or seen anyone for a few weeks now,” Bianca admits, and Adore feels suddenly giddy.

It’s been so long since she’s seen someone, since she’s even gotten a hug, and she really wants to see Bianca…

“I’ll be there tomorrow morning,” Adore agrees, not even thinking twice about it.

Bianca is everything to her. This person was one of the first to really take her seriously, to really see something in her, and Adore doesn’t know where she’d be without her. Every time something goes wrong, her first instinct is to call Bianca. Everytime something amazing happens, her first instinct is to call Bianca. They’ll spend hours talking or texting just because and Adore wouldn’t have it any other way.

They are as good together as PB&J, or peanut butter and celery, or peanut butter and pretzels… And Adore realizes she is feeling very snacky, specifically for peanut butter. With a sigh she rolls off her bed to get a snack before she starts packing for the next week.

The point is Adore loves Bianca, and Danny loves Roy. Sure maybe it’s in a different way than they should, or even once did, but it can’t be helped. It can be hidden, though. And Danny is more than fine with hiding this secret, as long as they get to have Roy in their life at all. He’s more than what Danny should ever even hope for, and yet a part of them can’t help but hope.

After spending so much time apart, Danny knows it’ll be harder now than ever to hide these feelings they’ve been harboring for Roy. They’ll try though, because sometimes the thought of this man loving them back is all that keeps them going.

Danny arrives at Roy’s beautiful new house in Palm Springs at nearly noon the next day. Which, to be fair, is very much the morning for Danny. They even woke up early to make the trip! …If ten a.m. counts as early in any book except their own.

Roy is already standing out in the driveway waiting for Danny when they get there, his arms spread wide for a hug the second Danny gets out of their car. The younger practically rocket launches themself into his arms, clinging tight to him as they savor the first hug they’ve gotten in such a long fucking time. Danny can’t help the tears that fall at finally having such warm, loving human contact, especially from this person.

They hold onto each other as tight as they can, each beyond glad to have each other’s trust in such unreliable times. Being alone for so long had hit Roy hard too. Alcohol and binge watching can really only do so much, and he’s genuinely been feeling lonely being stuck in one spot for so long. The dogs help some, but at the end of the day it really doesn’t replace human interaction, no matter how hard he wishes it did.

“I missed you, baby girl,” Roy says, and Danny can almost hear his voice waver.

“I missed you too,” Danny whispers, trying and failing to hold back a sob.

They leave Danny’s bag in the car for now, much more eager to go sit down and enjoy each other’s company. The dogs bombard the two of them the second Danny crosses the threshold, the enby leaning instantly down to kiss and coo at the babies and Roy can’t help grinning widely at the sight. He loves his babies, and he loves his baby girl.

They spend the afternoon talking and laughing and playing with the dogs. Danny clearly gets some ideas about the golf cart, and Roy is suddenly excited about the upcoming few days. It’s been a while since either of them have really had something to look forward to.

“Alright, I still need you to explain this OnlyFans thing to me,” Roy says with a smirk a few hours later, after they’ve gotten properly settled in on the couch together with the dogs.

Danny’s eyes go wide with slight panic, “Okay, grandpa, it’s like uhhh, Patreon but-”

“No, no, no!” Roy laughs, “I know what it is, I mean why that? Why not literally anything else?”

“First of all, I am sexy. Second of all, I spent a lot of time not making money masturbating, which is a fucking shame because as I said before I am sexy.”

They both crack up at that, giggling like idiots on Roy’s couch, the puppies quickly joining in, yipping at them to be a part of the excitement.

“Awww, do you two think I’m funny?” Danny coos, picking Dede up and cuddling the pup close, “Your daddy doesn’t think I’m funny!”

Roy snorts, “You’ve certainly picked up a thing or two from me.”

“Like how to be a bitter old hermit!” Danny grins sweetly.

“Exactly,” Roy laughs.

“So if I ask really nicely will this bitter old hermit make me food?” Danny asks, batting their eyelashes pleadingly.

“My original plan was to let you starve to death while you were here, but since you’re asking nicely…” Roy says teasingly, feeling an odd sense of satisfaction at the way the younger throws their head back with laughter.

Late that night, after a long night of talking and watching TV and a decent dinner, they curl up into bed together. At one point they both needed to at least be tipsy to do that, but nowadays that’s just overkill. They have progressed well beyond that point of friendship, though Roy sometimes still likes to put on a show of being annoyed, if only because of the way Danny pouts and rolls their eyes.

Tonight he just holds the thick comforter up so Danny can slide in easily with him, he’s not really interested in making either of them wait longer than they already have for cuddles. In seconds the two are holding each other tight, savoring the touch. As Roy lays there, holding Danny like the younger is his lifeline, he starts to think about the time they’ve known each other. All the ups, downs, and side-to-sides… Danny has grown up a lot over the years they’ve been friends, and it’s hard to deny that it’s changed Roy’s feelings for them.

Once his feelings to the younger were almost motherly, but now it’s closer to attraction. It’s kind of weird, at the least it’s very fucked up. Roy wants to just give in to the feelings, but he can’t. Not when he has no way of gaging Danny’s feelings for him. He can live with this secret, he’s not sure he can live without Danny’s friendship.

Danny interrupts his thoughts, their voice small and curious, “Why were you so invested in my OnlyFans?”

“Bitch, I’m trying to sleep here,” Roy groans.

“No, seriously,” Danny pouts, sitting up in bed and looking down at Roy. The moonlight streaming in from the window highlights the enby perfectly, and Roy curses his luck.

“I don’t want you renting yourself out on the corner like Bunny, now get back to sleep you dumb slut,” Roy says with all of his usual teasing heat.

Danny pouts though, clearly not satisfied, “But…”

“Sleep. Now.” Roy demands, reaching up to tug them back under the covers. Danny reluctantly gives in, and snuggles close to Roy.

Just as Roy is about to fall asleep, Danny’s voice has his eyes flying open.

“Roy?”

“What?”

“I love you,” Danny whispers.

Roy’s heart melts a little at that, “I love you too, Danny.”

Danny bites their lip nervously, “I mean like… I think…”

Roy’s heart starts to beat faster in his chest. Surely they couldn’t mean…

“You think…?” Roy asks, hoping that despite it all this person is about to say what he thinks they are.

“I think I might be… in love,” Danny says, their voice quiet and timid in a way Roy hasn’t heard in a very long time, “With you.”

This time Roy is the one to sit up in bed, staring down at Danny with pure infatuation. Those words echo around his ears, his chest, his very soul, and before he even realizes what he’s doing he’s leaning down to capture Danny’s lips in a kiss.

His lips against theirs feels so undeniably right. Their lips move slowly against each other, Danny brings a hand around to cup the back of Roy’s neck and in that moment nothing is wrong in their own little world. In that moment it’s just them and the moonlight. He thinks that he could live forever in this moment and never need anything else.

They break apart much too soon for either of their tastes, and Roy stares into those pretty eyes and murmurs, “I think I love you too.”

Danny surges forward for another kiss, this one much more desperate than the last. It’s a hot, heavy kiss that ends with Roy flat against the bed and both of Danny’s hands cupping his face as they explore each other. It’s like no kiss either of them have had before, with so many years of emotion and uncertainty between them it’s intense. Bianca and Adore have drunkenly kissed before, but this absolutely cannot compare. Danny whimpers pathetically against Roy, their hips grinding down against Roy’s thigh.

Roy lets out a shaky breath and grips at the enby’s barely covered ass. From the way Danny is squirming and moaning after only a little contact, Roy knows it’s been a while since Danny has been with someone like this. Roy hasn’t been able to get laid in a while either, rendering them both more than eager for this. Neither of them have a sexual partner in their circles right now, except maybe each other. Just this morning that would’ve been an absurd thought, and now it’s simply what makes sense.

Both of them need sexual fulfillment as much as they need emotional fulfillment, and even the thought of providing it for each other is thrilling. Roy grabs Danny’s bottom lip roughly between his teeth, sucking on it as he rubs his hands underneath Danny’s oversized tank top and over their skin. Danny whines and whimpers so deliciously in response, and Roy loves it.

Roy and Danny pull the little clothing that is off one another, each soaking in the familiar sight of the other being completely exposed. It’s nowhere near the first time they’ve seen each other like this, but it’s another one of those things where it’s simply different this time around. Because now it’s been established they love each other as much more than just friends.

Danny sucks hickeys along Roy’s collarbone, moaning roughly as Roy twists their nipples harshly, their bodies so close and warm wrapped up tight together.

“Think… Think I’m gonna get my nipples pierced,” Danny giggles breathlessly before it’s cut off in a moan of sheer pleasure when Roy pinches them even harder.

“Oh really? You’ve done a lot of slutty things, baby girl, but that is definitely up there,” Roy smirks.

Danny smiles innocently, “It would only make your job easier.”

“What? This job?” Roy asks teasingly, then trails his fingers down Danny’s stomach so they ghost over the enby’s half-hard cock.

Danny gasps, and Roy takes the opportunity to press his lips against theirs all over again, sucking their tongue into his mouth as he teases their cock. They moan and whine and squirm, their fingers gripping and squeezing at the flesh of Roy’s back frantically in response. Roy knows that that’s going to leave a mark, despite the fact that their nails are usually kept short. He doesn’t mind though, in fact it makes him harder knowing that he’s the reason Danny is reacting like this.

Danny’s head falls back against the pillow, feeling heat rush to their cheeks upon seeing the smouldering look in Roy’s eyes as they stare up at him. He’s so fucking gorgeous, all his sharpness and softness in just the right places.

“Tell me what you want,” Roy whispers roughly.

Danny inhales shakily, “Want- Wanna feel you-”

“What do you want me to do to you, Danny? Use your words…”

“Fuck me, oh God please just fuck me, holy shit,” Danny begs, squeezing their eyes shut tight and squirming underneath Roy’s tight hold.

“Shh, that’s so good, thank you,” Roy murmurs, caressing Danny’s cheek, “I’m going to fuck you so hard.”

And Danny just moans. They’ve wanted this from Roy for so long, and so many years were wasted convincing themself otherwise that this really feels like a fucking dream come true. It’s their own little fairytale, just for the two of them. Danny gets to live this fantasy with Roy, and that thought alone is almost more mind blowing than the idea of getting rammed until they can’t remember their own name.

Roy leans across to riffle through the nightstand, and turns back to Danny with lube, a condom, and a devious grin on his face. Minutes later, Danny is a whimpering, begging mess just from two of Roy’s fingers stretching them open. Roy is clearly enjoying it, whispering dirty things in their ear as he slowly tortures them with his fingers. When he slides in a third finger, Danny lets out the filthiest, most inhuman sound Roy has ever heard.

“You are just so fucking needy,” Roy says lowly, pulling out his fingers and quickly rolling the condom on.

Danny nods feverently, their eager words of agreement being almost incomprehensible. Roy grabs their tiny hips in his large hands and slides himself in. That moment is almost pure magic, the connection that had been simmering for so many years finally coming to a boil. Danny sobs from the mix of emotion and sheer pleasure, throwing their head back and forth, panting and begging for more while Roy closes his eyes and takes it all in.

Danny is incredibly warm and tight around him, and after a minute he begins to thrust shallowly, making Danny’s mindless babbling slur together. His thrusts quickly become harsher, aiming specifically for Danny’s spot, his grip on them tightens and he grabs the enby’s cock and starts to lavish it with some much needed attention.

“OhGodohGodohGodoh-” Danny rambles, pressing their face into the juncture of Roy’s neck and collarbone, inhaling his comforting, familiar scent, “So good, feels so good, don’t stop please don’t stop.”

“I’m not going to stop, shh, I’ve got you, fuck you’re so good,” Roy groans in response, his thrusts speeding up and his fingers around Danny’s cock tightening, “Are you about to cum for me? Huh?”

“Yes, fuck,” Danny rasps, “Yes yes gonna cum Roy please let me cum I’m gonna- gonna-”

Roy pumps his hand a few more times and whispers right in Danny’s ear, “Cum for me like a good girl.”

And Danny is a gonner. They moan high and long, their hips twitch rapidly and their whole body shakes with the force of their orgasm, ropes of cum covering Roy’s hand and both of their abdomens.

Danny practically goes limp in Roy’s hold, and just a few thrusts later Roy is undone as well, unable to help thrusting even harder and deeper into Danny’s body as he does. He falls on top of Danny, breathing heavy and ragged, and they hold each other tight. Danny’s arms still wrapped around Roy’s back when he carefully rolls them onto their sides so that they’re facing each other, nearly nose to nose. He gingerly pulls out of Danny, ties the condom, and throws it into the bin that he knows is next to the bed.

Roy cups their chin with his clean hand and stares into their dazed, half-lidded eyes. Danny blinks slowly, the afterglow beginning to wear off.

“I can’t believe it took us seven years,” Danny murmurs, reaching up to thread their fingers through Roy’s currently long hair.

“It was worth the wait,” Roy smiles softly, “And now we have the rest of our lives.”

“Yeah,” Danny whispers, “I get the rest of my life with you.”

Because for Roy and Danny it’s nowhere near over. For them it’s all only just begun.

[gamespritearchive]

yes i like fullmetal alchemist brotherhood a normal amount (<- lying) this post is going to be long so open the readmore at ur own risk

ok this is genuinely going to be a mess because im really terrible at summarizing things and organizing my thoughts so if ur actually gonna read through this then good luck!

here are just some short thoughts before the longer paragraphs

- i absolutely LOVE the note that plays right after the alchemists clap their hands together that indicates that theyre abt to use alchemy. the sound of the clap + the note that plays is incredibly satisfying

- the strong and well-written female characters in this show was a really good touch and i loved how they brought them (izumi and olivier) together at the end :') also their beefy husbands together was super nice too

- my favorite part of the story was actually the part where ed and al go to briggs because thats wher they introduced olivier. it was super nice to see her talk about how strong-willed she is and her army and all of that

- lan fan is another example of a strong female character but a little less favorable since she serves ling yao. that doesnt make her any less cool though she was super badass and i definitely cried over her more than once

- the details in this show was really nice. alphonse's body being malnourished was something that seemed really obvious, but the fact that when ed got his right arm back it was noticeably less muscular and had longer nails than his left was such a good detail

- in the last episode there was a scene where alphonse made a dumb face that was animated just like how ed's faces looked and that made me really happy that we finally get to see al emote just like his brother :')

- im pretty sure i cried through the entirety of the last episode because being able to see the characters laugh and smile without feeling burdoned by anything after youve seen them go through repeated heartache and physical pain for 63 episodes is a super nice feeling

- "i'm a terrible father but i want to make you two proud" .

- "i'll give you half of my life and you give me half of yours" UGH

- also right after this when ed was laughing at how flustered winry got because normally hes the one who gets flustered :') that was so sweet

- i literally guessed that it was morse code whenever they showed selim banging on al's head because its like why would they put so much emphasis on that and let it go on for like 10 seconds without any music over it. this happened like multiple times too and i guessed it before they made it incredibly obvious bye im the smartest guy alive

ok heres where i talk more besties lets go

fmab was absolutely worth watching 64 episodes. i was convinced that i probably wont finish it because i have trouble finishing 12 episodes but as it may be obvious i got super invested. fmab being this long allowed there to be enough time to explain aspects of the story separately and to watch them all come together at some point. it also allowed for a ton of details that even though they're small, they're still important to the story. they rehash a lot of points because it was a simple detail that could get lost through the story but when its rementioned and you recall the time, it's such a nice feeling to have that click in ur mind.

also the character development was really good and ill get more in-depth about characters later but the length of this anime also allowed for a ton of really good character development. it ties into the whole thing where you learn about a characters backstory and you don't understand why it's important to the show until later on and then you're like ohhhh holy shit that makes sense now! also all that time for character development also lets you get attached to more than just the main characters and makes you care more about the role they play in the story.

roy mustang. at first i liked him, but when he started to speak about how he wanted to become the fuhrer president before he knew the military was corrupt, i assumed that he would just become as corrupt as bradley was ("starting wars for no reason"). i was convinced for the longest time that he would eventually just turn out to be the second bad guy and that nearly came true whenever he was trying to kill envy but riza helped him :) i loved the entirety of their relationship they're so sweet and compliment eachother so well. the scene where roy demonstrates the sheer amount of trust he has in riza's abilities by blindly (heh. he was blind during this if u didnt know.) following her directions and hitting their target ... it was just so good. also even though i didnt trust roy i thought he was super badass the sound of him snapping was always super satisfying as well

i almost want to rewatch fmab because it would be really nice to pick up on things that were later referenced in the anime. because of how long it is, its super easy to forget about things that happened early on in the anime (especially for someone with memory issues lol) so being able to watch back with the second half of the show still fresh on my mind would be almost an entirely different experience. the first thing that comes to mind is whenever we were shown kimblee in prison super early on. i know he had dialogue but i remember nothing about it because i was focused on thinking "literally who the fuck is this guy lol" but now i know. wow.

edward elric. im aware that this is going to be incredibly biased but i literally do not care. anyways. character development is always important and needed within a story but i genuinely feel like ed's character development was interesting to watch. it was never super obvious and his core values never changed. he did somewhat have a change in attitude when he nearly died to kimblee, but thats like expected you know ... being that close to death and all. i think that event was essentially the beginning of the end of his naivety. he was always consistent with the people he cared about though :) he never stopped calling them stupid and weird and he never stopped threatening to punch hohenheim whenever he was frustrated even if they were like in the middle of like a life or death situation. i just think he's neat

when ed destroyed pride('s vessel) i felt my heart well up with. pride LOL. that was his very first explicit win against someone who has been against him this entire time, and seeing him defeat pride with his own two hands was such a nice feeling. it wasnt technically his own win since he was only able to get to that point because of his friends and family around him

episode 60 was suuper good it was the part where the father was gonna swallow god because of the solar eclipse. its super hard to explain if uve never seen it but basically the scene was super cool simply because of how well the animation showed the sheer scale of what was happening. like this guy was literally reaching to the moon. theres a lot of unnatural things that are shown in fmab and although this scene didnt introduce any new concepts, it was still incredibly captivating because of how well the animation was

aand thats it i think! i regret not writing down how i feel during the earlier episodes but i think watching it with little to no distractions was a better experience. if u actually read this im giving u a kiss on the cheek rn ilu

[mechanomorphic]

oh hey some 9 hcs/theories bcs i Think abt this movie a lot (under the cut bcs this was way longer than i thoUGHT IT WA S GOING TO BE WHOOPS)

the main cast being comprised of parts of the scientists ‘soul’ is kinda complicated. basically theyre not just parts of the scientist himself, but rather people hes known, experiences he’s been through and his ideas/ideals

-1 is probably the most obvious in terms of this - he has clear parts of how the scientist remembers the chancellor, but also probably other older men in positions of power hes known throughout his life. his father, old professors or teachers, characters he read about in books as a boy that were leaders. perhaps 1′s fear comes from what the scientist wished these men had - especially the chancellor - a fear of the unknown, of the unknowable, afterall if the chancellor never took the machine away maybe none of this would have happened.

-speaking of the machine, she (i use she/her for the machine) is similar to her creator, probably the closest to him in terms of raw personality. the issue is shes a little, well... shes almost like a child. she craves the attention of the scientist and lashed out when he was taken away from her. she refuses to conform to what others want of her (a feeling the scientist probably remembers from his youth) but she was hurt and now shes angry and while the scientist, and none of the stitchpunks, should ever be expected to forgive her... the scientist probably felt bad for her, right until his last moments

-2 is an interesting case. perhaps the softer side of the older men in the scientists life, grandparents, gentler teachers, perhaps in some ways his mother. he has the scientist’s (and the machine’s) drive to create. to build upon the world before them. inspired by the people around the scientist that when he was growing up kept him creating. someone that didn’t quite have it in themselves to be a leader, cautious but not afraid, a perfect companion to 1 (but once again, we’re driving into ‘if only’s’)

-there is a childishness to 3 and 4, i would suggest that they come from the scientist’s memories of childhood. of those he knew when he was a young boy, but also himself. the desire to understand the world around them, facinated because everything was so new. the scientist knew the mistakes of the past shouldnt be buried with humanity, so he created two minds that wished to understand. to catalogue. as for why twins? maybe he felt loneliness in his youth, he knew being an intelligent child often meant being alone, hidden away in books. he couldnt bring himself to let them be alone, so he made two twins, perfectly in sync (except for the moments they are not). siblings argue, but siblings patch up. 3 and 4 would never have to face being alone, because they would always have each other.

-5. a fan favourite for many, myself included! his soft, trusting nature is something that is not often seen in masc coded characters, and his creativity and arc of coming into his own is something very near and dear to me. i think he came from memories of dearly beloved friends. some of whom were perhaps more followers than leaders, but comfortable like that. despite everything, those friends were a deep part of the scientist’s soul, and though he wished to carry them forever, he’s more than happy to have 5 live on in their memory

-6 is an odd one to talk about. again this theme of creativity returns (perhaps something very deeply a part of the scientist’s soul?) but in a much more literal fashion. an artist, a loner, misunderstood. more comfortable expressing himself with ink on paper than with words. to me 6 feels like he wouldve been a family member, or perhaps a few. a niece, or nephew, or uncle, or cousin. someone a bit strange, someone the scientist did not fully understand - and perhaps feared, because it often seemed that by looking at the world from this different angle, they understood more than him - and to a smart man, a very logical man, that must be quite frightening.

-7 reads to me as an older sibling. someone willing to take others under her wing but also keep them at arms length, for as much their protection as hers. a protector, a watchful guardian. theres a hidden softness, perhaps one the scientist never fully reached, but one the twins and 9 managed to pull out. or perhaps the scientist was imagining it. it doesnt matter now, anyhow.

-8 feels obvious. a solider, maybe a bit of a bully. perhaps a friend, or maybe more accurately an acquaintance. someone the scientist couldn’t click with, maybe couldn’t understand. but he knows the idea of a protector, a guard, and he builds that into 8. rough around the edges, much like his counterpart 7, he desires to protect his family, even if he isnt the best about it. he fails to grasp the other stitchpunks the way the scientist couldnt grasp the solider, and is too eager to follow and not have to think. but he has a heart, and its usually somewhere around where the right place is.

-curious, brave and so incredibly foolish, the main boy, 9. if the scientist met 9 he’d attribute him to his younger self, full of curiosity and bravery and maybe those two traits stopped them both from thinking ahead a little. but theres so much more to him than that. 9 is a leader - a mix of 1′s level headedness, and 2′s empathy. he builds those around him up, encourages them to be better, but is also just a bit of a manipulator, even if he doesnt mean to be. but one could argue a good leader needs to manipulate, just a tad. he’s their last hope because 9 is new, he’s the only one of them left that still has it in his heart to hope for something better.

[autisticangus]

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt. 

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him. 

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident. 

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

[ryollie]

update post, gonna put under a read more. its gonna be rambly and honest abt how i feel on certain things, why i’ve been gone and what im gonna do from now on etc. tw for mental illness !

i’ve been inactive for a month, almost 2 i think? its kind of painful to evaluate everything to be honest. i’ve had my blog for half a year. i really loved and had fun in the hphm fandom and ive met great people. people come and go, and im alright with that. when i first joined, i never expected so many people would enjoy ollie, my first ever mc. i was just so so happy and wanted to draw and share more of my oc stories and creations with everybody. as time gone on, i started feeling isolated, and slowly started getting more hate for various reasons and i felt very overwhelmed. 

i’ve always tried my best to be kind to everybody and understand things from different perspectives but i realise that there are some people you can just never see eye to eye with no matter how hard u try. my mistake was trying too hard to get along with everybody. it rlly sucks when you find leaked convos of ppl you thought u were friends with insulting you, ppl you drew for and thought you had fun with talking smack behind ur back. its alright to not like me or my content ! i just dont see why ppl would interact positively with me and act a different way once my back is turned. i think its pretty...ugly, to be honest. if u rlly had an issue with me, dm me and lets talk it out civilly. i dont shy away from an honest conversation; if i truly did anything wrong i will admit to my mistakes, apologize and hopefully change for the better. we are all human, its normal to fuck up and theres always room for change.

its easy to say just ignore the hate and move on, and believe me thats exactly what i tried to do. it was really uncomfortable and i felt like i was just putting on a mask to remain positive, sociable and welcoming to everybody i interacted with. i did that for 3 months and overtime, it just crumbled. i felt really paranoid everytime i had an interaction, because i saw so much negativity about me that i wish i did not that i started to doubt every interaction i had. i didnt know if someone was pretending to be kind to me, i started to think what if they had heard bad things about me from others and were judging me etc, its a lot to handle. im a paranoid scizophrenic and feelings of paranoia manifest into auditory hallucinations for me. these feelings arent just a bad gut feeling. i hear people talking about me and how theyre going to hurt me because they hate me etc. its honestly really exhausting and its hard to tell whats real and fake and it makes me disassociate.

people believe what they want to believe. there’s always two sides to a story. i’m tired of being painted as somebody bad because of petty gossip, i’m tired of always needing to defend myself. once you’re on someone’s bad side, you’re judged and nitpicked for every single minor detail. its awful. if others vent, its alright because everyone has their problems and deserve to be heard! if i vent, its me being whiny and playing a victim card. people can easily twist your words to suit their narrative. words can hurt like a bitch, you know. i wish more people realised there’s weight in their words. 

and to address this if its unclear; i’m no longer in a relationship and i ended it myself. i just dont feel like im in a good place mentally to sustain a rs for a very, very long time. i would also appreciate it if people can stop associating me with my previous partner. i do not want anything to do with them. i wont disclose any details out of respect but please respect how i feel on this.

to sum up i’m sorry if i’ve ever hurt anybody. i’m just tired of the negativity and the indirects. people who know me, know me. i always try to be kind but i have my limits too. i disappeared for two months because i couldnt cope with it, but I'm willing to try again. i’ll be very cautious with who i interact from now on, and i hope you can understand why. im just protecting myself. i want to have fun drawing and creating content for me and my friends and not for the sake of others, as it should have been from the very start. i just want to have fun again and to slowly learn to trust people. thank you if you read this to the very end, it was just an honest and long ramble of how i’ve been feeling. i hope i can share more of ollie and my other ocs with everybody and that with time, i can let go of the painful things i’ve experienced before. 

[indigopurple]

Basically a review of OP episode 503 ig

Currently rewatching post-war arc (in the dub so I don't have any screenshots for u guys sry) and theres a few things id like to point out.

During a conversation Dadan once had with Garp, they were talking about Roger. Garp said that even if they were facing powerful enemies, he would never run away because he wouldnt dare leaving his comrads behind; it wasnt an option for him. Obviously we see this in Ace. But ALSO, isnt this what he did with Katakuri? It was a little different cuz of the setting mostly, but he separated himself from his crew to fight off katakuri, and lied to them about being okay so they didn't worry (he was already getting his ass kicked by then, so he just made that stupid smile and told them not to worry (or smth like that, I can remember the exact line) (that smile was so gross and fake cuz he fucking sucks at lying). Also he said roger destroyed a buncha soldiers cuz they mouthed off his men. That's what Ace tried to do but instead he died. :(

"The pain he went through just made him hold on tighter to the ones he loved" -Garp, about Roger. "Despite his flaws and his bad reputation, his crew still trusted him completely." -also Garp, about Roger. These both sound a lot like Luffy AND Ace.

When Dogra got home and told everyone about Sabo's ship being shit down and him dying (which we all know didnt happen, thank fuck), (by the way the absolutely lost looks on Ace's and Luffy's faces with the sudden silence hurt like a bitch), Luffy started crying and said "WE SHOULDNT'A LET HIM GO, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT". Which fucking says something about him (thinking of episodes 913-915 when he goes fucking berserk, but before that he learns that Kaido probably killed Tama and he says "I should've escorted them..!" (*ugly cries*)). Ace also reacted pretty similarly-- "Sabo...why didn't we go back into town and bring him back here?! We're so stupid!" And he gets mad and asks where he could find the bastard that killed him (obviously not getting a good answer since it was a fucking celestial dragon ugh). That is what Luffy does, in present time. He results to anger first, not sadness. Not sure when he learned to do that but I'm 99 percent sure it was from Ace. Also the blaming himself thing? High chance thats ALSO from Ace. Who else would teach him that self hating behaviour?!

Dadan pins Ace down to stop him from going after the Celestial Dragon to calm him down, telling him he cant do anything, he's not big or strong enough to do anything and he'll be killed as soon as he tries anything, especially since it was the whole country -the whole WORLD- that killed Sabo. He can't do anything. And then they tied him to a tree outside to let him cool off. Oh yeah then he also told luffy to stop crying like a little girl or else he'll- (and he didn't finish the sentence). ...Ok maybe thats why luffy started being more angry than sad.

This is where things get a little more :( . Ace reads the letter Sabo sent them before he died. As he reads, he walks to the end of the forest, to a cliff overlooking the ocean. And starts fucking bawling (btw the voice actor who had Ace's childhood part did not do a very good job, no where near as in character and real as Coleen Clickenberg did with all of Luffy's crying scenes. She was spot on.) ...do you see where im going with that? He isolated himself before letting himself feel sad. It was all rage and then calm beforehand. Y-you see where im going with that. Dont make me say it.

"How's Luffy doing, is he any better?" "Well...he hasnt been eating much, but he still eats twice as much as we do". Oh look, That's what happened after Ace died too. There's a behavioral pattern that hasnt gone away. Not sure why it wouldve tho.

Luffy is mopeing, lying on the ground in a similar setting ace was at when he cried. Hes thinking about some of the things Sabo said, like how theyre gonna sail the seas together, and he clenches his hands into tight, shaking fists. After Ace shows up and hits him, and talking abt some other stuff I don't feel like relaying, Luffy tightens his grip on the straw hat and tells ace, whimpering, he wants to get stronger (and stronger, and stronger, and stronger and stronger and....) And he wants to be the strongest in the world. "And then, I'll protect everyone. I won't lose anyone I care about". He gets stronger mainly to protect the people he loves. And then he asks ace to promise he won't die. To which he hits Luffy again and tells him he should be more worried about himself dying first. And then the famous line that hurts like a bitch- "I'm NEVER going to DIE!" And then this hopeful music comes on (fucking damnit funimation, u gotta do this? Really??) Also he says he wont die as long as he has a wussy little brother to protect. ...FUCK. Ok, the fist clenching is a thing he does all the fucking time, usually when he gets mad. This was different because he wasnt mad, he was sad. He clenched his fist because thinking about it hurt. Which, huh, sounds a lot like his whole episode after waking up from his 2 week coma on the polar tang. To try and stop the mental pain of those horrendous memories, he resulted to physically pain. He hurt himself. So, He clenches his fists in times like these to fight off the mental pain and the urge to cause himself physical pain. Guys, our boy is bad at emotions, help him. ....ok this paragraph is longer than I anticipated so ill dumb down the rest of it ig. Next part, him asking ace to promise he wont die. The music, the body language, the over change in mood- this comforts him. He stopped hiding his face and silently sobbing after ace said this. OH YEAH! didn't he tell jinbe not to die when they parted ways in Totto Land? And then, hes missing still in Wano and we see Luffy is worried....but convinced Jinbe will show up. Again, this comforts him. Hes nervous cuz someone KOFF KOFF ACE broke that promise once. But jinbe is his crew mate so he trusts him, thank god.

"-But whoever did it, they must be opposed to freedom." The whole freedom thing? That runs through Luffy's blood and spirit.His brothers fought for it, his dad is the man who strives to give everyone freedom basically, and Luffy himself has seen enough of the OPPOSITE of freedom to be so, so much more than just against it. Hence why he of course was so eager to free the slaves in Sabaody, the kids in punk hazard, the toys in dressrosa, the country of Wano from Kaido's tyrany. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree huh.

I dont think Luffy would remember his promise with Shanks if it werent for his brothers putting feul to his dream. It was a stupid bet at first; he just wanted to beat Shanks, right then. But after meeting Sabo and Ace, he found the opposite of freedom and human rights. And then he wanted, REALLY wanted, to become the free-est man in the world; the pirate king.

Last one i promise ok? This one is less connected to whats going on in the episode at this point, but something I noticed (its so obvious everyone has seen this ok) was when luffy cries, his posture is always open. He doesn't curl in on himself like many people would do (I know I would, lol). He doesnt hug himself, protect himself. He's just, opened up to whoever is watching, literally. This has a little more to do with something I haven't talked about much in this post yet; his self-destruction issues. I said he tried to hurt himself when he felt mental pain, which is definitely similar. But he cries and doesnt try to protect or comfort himself, like he doesn't have that programmed into his mind. Reminder that he only wants to live because of his dream, and if he doesnt have his dream, he wants to die. (Whoa.). Ok, so no self preservation mechanism at all rlly. Hes basically ride or die. So, when things hurt so much that he cries, he has no hope left. He just kinda...dies inside. So this was mildly different after sabo died. Yes we saw him just standing there, sobbing. But the next day he's still crying, and instead he's laying on the ground. I saw that and the voice in the back of my head told me he wanted to be a part of that lifeless dirt beneath him. Then, Ace walked over. And his words made him feel the hope that I told you about earlier, and he sat up into a sitting position. And HUGGED HIS LEGS TO HIS CHEST. There's some self preservation! Some hope! Some will to exist, to live! Something we saw none of as he sat in front of his brothers corpse, shutting down. He sat there, open to his enemies, incapable of protecting himself. Practically anyone couldve killed him right then and there. I think he mightve liked that, at that moment. Like thank god he has that stupidly good luck cuz if he didn't I swear someone couldve thrown and axe or FUCKING ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT and hed be dead becuase he never physically or mentally prepared himself. On purpose.

Our poor boy needs some fucking attention and therapists. (Insert my rant post about how jinbe is on the crew primarily for anger management and therapy, not just being a helmsman.) Ugh, smh ugly cries

Aaaaand thats about the end of the episode. Theres so many little tics and peesonality traits that you notive thru this episode, and I only noticed them cuz im rewatching this part of the show for like the third time. I don't react as much as the first time of course but some things are definitely sadder after knowing what's going on and what will happen later on.

Moral of the story (post)? I think luffy is almost equally as alike -if not, more similar to roger as ace is. Also, high key genuinely think Luffy met like NO ONE but Garp before he met Shanks and his crew. What the fuck was his first like 5 years of being alive like? (He wantd to be a pirate cuz Garp didnt want that. Rebellious baby asshole. And then shanks made things worse, in a good way for luffy. And then ace and sabo made that worse thing worse for a good reason. Luffy lives...for those influences. And that is fucking it. Why.

Oh thanks tumblr for moving my picture to the bottom of the post u fucking idiot

[cowboypdf]

the tower, death, the lovers!

the tower: have any terrible experiences actually had positive effects/were neccesary for growth? 

i don’t know if terrible things are neccesary for growth, but i do think its always possible to gain something positive from bad shit that happens to you - maybe youve got greater empathy for others, maybe you now have a greater toolbox for resources during times of distress, maybe you feel more prepared for the formalities of trying to live because youve already experienced things far bigger than that. like i know this is stupid as hell but i am ALWAYS thinking abt that quote thats like “everyone you meet is either going to be a blessing or a lesson” and i think you expand that rhetoric to a lot of life in general!

death: what transformations have you gone through recently? 

i think the time period from the beginning of senior year to now has been one of the biggest upheavals in my life since my parents got married and i moved across the country in like, fourth grade. i quit ballet which spurred a really big change in how i relate to my body because i no longer spent 20-25 hours a week staring at and critiquing myself in a mirror, and i think that being removed from the hyperfeminity of my peers there also started to allow me to be more comfortable like. being gnc and presenting like it! i think the way my presentation changed this year at school was wack. and i guess that can seem superficial but i spent so so so many years having big body issues so its nice to in some ways be free from that. and like emotionally i feel like i finally started to understand what i have to offer other people like not to reference kimya dawson but its abt being able to understand your space within the context of the whole! 

the lovers: if you believe in soulmates, what do you think yours would look like? 

i dont think that there’s Just One Person out there for everyone, and i don’t think just any two people could be good together - but i think that as long as two people are dedicated to loving each other growing together and just being good to one another - they can become soulmates! i wholeheartedly believe that as long as someone earnestly wants to make a relationship with another person, and is a position to take on that endeavor healthfully, theres someone who wants to take that on with them!

as for what that would look like for me - well. ive been in my romance bag lately so sorry for getting really cheesy but like. i think someone who could be my soulmate is just anyone who is like. enamored and fascinated with life! they’re dedicated to finding love wherever they can and finding the good and taking time to like. look up at the stars and point out worms on the ground and take pictures of the sunset. stuff like that! and in general just like. someone who is committed to and thrives on emotional intimacy and communication! this is a talking about our feelings zone! and like not to have an aquarius venus but like.. i think any fulfilling relationship is built on a solid friendship and romance grows from that! but beyond just like... has compatible relationship goals and views and stuff like that, as long as theres love and respect and dedication and trust i think anyone could be my soulmate!

[dyketubbo]

vent or whatever under the cut bc i didnt feel like venting on discord about it mostly jsut musings abt friendship and this fandom n the pros and cons or whatever

on one hand sometimes i feel lonely knowing im not really friends with like more than a few people in this fandom and that unless i get lucky i normally dont get much engagement (in the sense that, while i get notes on like. posts people find funny or engaging sometimes i certainly dont get asks often nor am i someone who really gets approached at all most of the time) nor do i really engage with others ig out of a mix of anxiety and how.. idk. mean. and sort of off rockers if you dont know them a lot of this fandom is. and it sort of sucks knowing once i stop being interested in dsmp i wont really have made a mark. and ill probably only stay friends with maybe 4 people because im not a social person and it is, absolutely, on me for the most part. i dont know if people will really remember my name. and i know theres certainly people who just really detest me for various reasons

on the other hand, well. there are a lot of problems with this fandom. dsmp makes me happy and theres certain parts of the fandom that make me happy but i know if i branch out any farther than this ill.. probably just be uncomfortable. stick out like a sore thumb in a sea of people who genuinely do value the comedy of saying risky and fucked up things over like. being respectful of strangers. ill always inherently think being invested in a strangers life or saying weird things about them like calling them a sl.t or wh.re or talking abt how they should do drugs/drink and especially when it comes to the gray area of saying this about characters that are based on them ill think its weird to do that for the sake of being funny.

its started planting a weird seed of doubt in my mind that im just. being a party pooper. that i should loosen up and stop being bothered by these things, that it really is funny to be weird towards someone and show disrespect towards them just because theyll never see it and you only know the persona they put on anyways. that maybe i really am the odd one out for being triggered by drugs and alcohol and thinking they should be tagged or that even with the characters we should be considerate

i dont know. being in this fandom has made me loosen up about certain things and tighten up about even more things. i dont know where ill go next from here. i think ill probably always be a lonely and secluded person

i could nitpick a lot of things about this fandom. i could nitpick a lot of things about myself. in the end i can see why i dont have anyone i truly trust or rely on anymore, but that doesnt really make it any less depressing. teen angst really shining through and all, but i think ill always be a lonely person. i dont think ill ever trust anyone or have a safe place thatll always feel safe. i think im permanently stuck being just close enough to being okay that it just means the fall is even longer and more painful each time it gets ripped from me. maybe im just one of those people whose doomed to aware of all their failings and yet not have the courage to fix it. or to fix themselves. and god knows its not like im about to think anyone else can