#there's something so deeply wrong with her <3 i love my cancelled wife

[nyaagolor]

One of the things about Natsuhi that really gets me is that she’s trying so hard to be a tradwife to cope with her situation but like. She’s bad at it. She’s really really bad at being a tradwife. She’s short tempered, belligerent, easily baited by basically anyone trying to get a rise out of her, and constantly makes her husband look worse in her attempts to defend him. She never sits quietly at his side, she never listens when he’s trying to get her to stop and let him do the talking, and she’s constantly taking charge of situations in his stead. Honestly, she just doesn’t have the temperament to be a tradwife, even if she thinks that’s what she is and what she wants.

And what’s the craziest about this is that Sayo figured this out before Natsuhi herself did. Natsuhi is someone who tries to cling onto power in any and every situation she can, in part because she ultimately doesn’t have any agency at all. She tries to find an angle through which to look at her life where she’s the one calling the shots, where she’s the one in charge, because in her super traditionalist framework that’s what autonomy is— it’s always just been punching down. In her mind, punishment and power might as well be synonymous; you’re either being told what to do or telling others what to do.

Natushi could never be the proper, submissive wife that she’s trying to be because she’s just not that good at lying to herself. She’s constantly trying to power grab in petty situations, to overcome the lack of autonomy she’s so frustrated about by throwing her weight around whenever she can. And I think that’s exactly why Sayo gave her the unloaded gun. Natushi immediately becomes bolder— she lashes out, she takes command of situations, she’s confident— because to her the gun is just the physical manifestation of having the agency to be those things at all. She can take charge of situations because in her mind she’s gotten the power to do so now— agency over herself is always coupled with power over others to her. But the gun was always empty and the promise was always false.

It doesn’t matter how Natsuhi feels or what power she wields over the people beneath her, because she never really had any autonomy so long as she was Ushiromiya Natsuhi. She was and is only ever allowed to do what they permitted. When she fights with Eva in the family conferences, it’s because Krauss is wiling to sit back and let her be the scapegoat. She can bully the servants because the people in the house who are actually supposed to be in charge of them don’t care. Natsuhi fights like a dog for any semblance of power or choice in the narrative, not realizing it’s still within the confines of what the people who have stolen her agency are allowing her have. She’s given a metaphorical gun to wave around, but even though it smokes and fires and makes noise, there was never any real threat to the people who gave it to her, because she was given the gun unloaded. Perhaps more importantly though, she doesn’t know the difference

[baby-yaga]

yesterday, post burial, on our way back to the church to grab a plant, my mom told me, "love him for who he was, dont hate him for who he wasnt. thats the best way to go through life without baggage." and i get where she was coming from, but i dont think thats right.

sometimes people say that the opposite of love isnt hate, its indifference. i did love my dad. i also hated him. they never cancelled each other out. i can love him for his warmth, his humor, his intelligence, his gregariousness, and still hate him for his absence, the abuse, the neglect, how he gave so much of himself to everyone else but his 3 children.

im haunted by my mom telling me that my dad once told her, "if i knew then what i know now, we never wouldve gotten divorced." i cant even picture what that wouldve been like. there was a brief period after my dad left his late wife, where he was living with us again. my parents werent together, it was basically a roommates situation, and in all honesty it was the best part of my teen years.

we had all been through a lot. his late wife was abusive to pretty much everyone in her life, except when she was passed out on oxy. i was deeply resentful of my dad remaining married to her despite how horribly she treated my brother and i, and also him. when she passed away, we were all having dinner with my sister, and when my dad told trey and i what happened, i think it was really shocking to him that we looked at each other, and replied, "good."

but when he lived with us again, it was weird, but it wasnt bad. i liked having him around all the time. i liked getting to spend time with him for real. he picked me up from school, we ate dinner together, watched movies, i started going to the gym with him. we were living together when i went on my first date ever. we were living together when i came out to him. we were living together when i tried to kill myself.

but it didnt last forever. he moved in with a new girlfriend eventually. he kept it a secret, so when he moved in without telling me before hand, i was so mad. i wouldnt go over to their place, a duplex that was less than 5 minutes from our house. i wouldnt meet his girlfriend. i think i was hurt beyond words that he was breaking up our family again, but i didnt realize that until just now.

he tried to force it one night, wanted to ground me if i didnt come. we got into a tug of war match over my laptop in the entry way. i was so frustrated, hurt, i felt so un-heard, i screamed, "i hate you! i never want to see you again!"

he looked surprised. then, he looked devastated. he put down my laptop gently on the entryway table, and left without a word.

he called that night, and explained himself. he said something like, "a friends son passed away recently. i just dont want to lose our relationship."

i said, "im sorry that happened, dad. but i wish you wouldnt try to make me feel bad just because you feel bad."

he replied, "so im just supposed to feel miserable by myself?"

i dont remember what i said exactly. it was something to the effect of, "fine! keep making everyone around you miserable, until you have no one around but yourself!" i slammed the phone down. this was in like, 2008 or so, so we still had a landline, lol.

we didnt speak for 2 weeks. he picked up my brother to come sleep at his place, didnt speak to me, and then would leave. i didnt know that what i wanted was for him to move back in for good. it wasnt reasonable, really. he wanted to date, i think he felt weird about it while living with my mother, and also he didnt have his own room, he was sleeping in a bunk bed with my brother. so i understand now why him moving out happened. but at the time i was so upset hed kept it a secret from me. i still think that was the wrong move. if hed been open about it, given me some time to adjust without springing it on me, it mightve gone a little smoother.

anyway, the night i spoke to him again. he was coming over to pick up trey again. i started crying and threw myself at him. i said i was sorry over and over. i missed him so much. i loved him so much. i just wanted him to be my dad again.

he just held me, and rocked me back and forth. he kissed the top of my head and said, "its ok, its ok." we stood like that for a long time, until i stopped crying. i met his new girlfriend that night. they showed me the room theyd prepared, a bed and everything, for my brother and i to share. it was the first time id ever had a place to stay at his house. before, i was sleeping on the couch, or, when my step-brother was in basic training, i got to sleep on his futon. it meant so much to me.

i miss him. ive missed him my whole life, it seems. missing him isnt new. but this is different. it feels like theres an empty pit inside of me that i was positive was bottomless, but its somehow gotten deeper.

[holylulusworld]

Her substitute (4) - Back Home

Summary: Once you were her best friend. Now her widower seeks shelter in your arms. 

Square Filled: Bonham Walker for @walker-bingo​​

Ship: Cordell Walker x fem!Reader, Cordell Walker x Emily Walker (widowed)

Characters: Bonham Walker, Stella Walker, August Walker, Abeline Walker

Rating: Mature

Warnings: angst, language, mentions of loss of a loved one, remorse, awkward situations, idiots in love, Walkers family is the best, arguments, implied smut

Word Count: 1,6 k

Her substitute masterlist

2021 Walker Bingo masterlist

Divider by @firefly-graphics​​

<< Part 3

“Y/N,” Stella clings to you, refuses to let go of you. The moment you got out of your old truck she jumped at you, crying as you came back. “You’re back.”

“Yeah,” you swallow thickly when Stella tells you how much she has missed you. For now, you will hide you still don’t know if you will stay or go back to New York. “How have you been? I know my departure was—sudden.”

“It was his fault, wasn’t it?” she chokes out, looking up at you. “Why can’t he just admit he wants to go out with you? Dad should stop being so stubborn.”

“Your father and I, we are friends and partners. It’s complicated, you know. Maybe it would be easier if I wasn’t your mom’s best friend. I think Cor—I mean your dad doesn’t know how to express his feelings. And I don’t know if it’s a good idea that I stay here.”

“Why? You are family, Y/N. Please don’t leave us again. August, he doesn’t show it but he’s missing you too. He’s as stubborn as dad,” Stella sighs when you run your hand over her hair. “Dad is an idiot for not seeing how much you care about him.”

“There she is, the long-lost daughter,” Bonham smirks when you walk toward the house, Stella hot on your heels. She refused to leave your side since you are back in town, even followed you home when you tried to change clothing.

“Hi,” you let Cordell’s father wrap you in a hug. “How have things been since I’ve been gone? Do you still drive your wife crazy?” he snickers at your words.

“So, you’ve become an important FBI agent now?” he looks at you, searching your face while hoping you will come back. “I heard about Cordell and you. Why didn’t you tell me you are about to become our new daughter-in-law?”

“Bonham,” you sigh, shaking your head lightly, “this is all a misunderstanding. Cordell and I are only friends and partners.”

“Do you want to tell me you left your home, your family for a job you don’t want out of the blue? I know about the blind date and that you left town right after you canceled, the party,” he slings one arm around your shoulders to lead you into the house. “I am an old man, not blind nor stupid.”

“Love is out of the question for Cordell and me,” Bonham doesn’t say a word. He guides you into the house, biting his tongue. “Emily was the woman he loved, and it will always be her for him. I don’t think he will be able to open his heart for someone else.”

“How about we save the heavy topics for later and have dinner? Abeline made your favorite, and she made a pie to die for, Y/N,” you hate to say no to Bonham, so you nod silently, swallowing the lump in your throat. “You know, if he doesn’t man up and asks you out, I’ll handle this for him.”

“Bonham,” he laughs when you try to stop him from playing the matchmaker for you and his son. “Please don’t try to change his mind. Cordell is—”

“A stubborn man, but he has feelings for you, my dear. He’s like his old man,” Bonham ends your sentence. “Y/N, he’s a good man, with a broken heart. He just needs a little push. Let me push him if I must.”

“That’s delicious Abeline,” you try to break the awkward tension in the dining room. While Stella and August won’t stop asking questions about New York, the FBI and your training Cordell sits opposite you, frowning anytime you say something, “as always.”

“Thank you, Y/N,” Cordell’s mother gives you a soft smile, offering another slice of the pie to you. “You are always welcome to join us for dinner. Cordell should invite you more often.”

“Mom,” Cordell clears his throat, eyes drifting toward you again. Tonight, he sticks to water, doesn’t even touch the beer his father offered to him. “Y/N will come around when she finds the time. She has her own life…maybe even in New York.”

“Dad,” Stella drops her fork. She grimaces, pointing her finger at you. “Do you want her to leave town again? Why don’t you ask her out? If you can go out with that other woman, you can go out with Y/N!”

“Stella,” August tries to spare you another hurtful scene. He’s grown for his age, and you give him a weak smile. “We talked about this, didn’t we?”

“Fine,” grasping for her water Stella glares at her father. “If she leaves all of us because of you, I will never forgive you.”

“I think that is enough,” Bonham speaks up. “Y/N doesn’t owe you anything, Stella. She is important to all of us, but this doesn’t mean she must stay in town and work as a Texas Ranger, not when she has the chance to become an FBI agent.”

“Grandpa,” Stella sniffs, looking at him, pleadingly. “Please. I don’t want to lose her too. He can’t ruin everything for us. Mom died because—”

“Enough,” this time you drop the fork. “It was my fault too. We arrested that man together. I was the one not wanting to give up and your mom and Jason paid the price. The guilt almost ate me up and your father was the one catching my fall,” you admit, pushing the tears away.

“What?” Stella inhales sharply. She always believed you are like Wonder Woman. Invincible and strong-willed. “But—but you seem so strong and…”

“Even the mightest people fall sometimes. It’s no shame to accept help from someone,” you clear your throat, eyes drifting toward Cordell. You know he’s ashamed Geri called you and that you saw him drunk once again. “Some people might say you are even stronger for accepting help.”

“Hi—erm, can I help you?” watching you clean the dishes Cordell awkwardly stands in the kitchen. “Mom said the dishwasher needs fixing. Let me lend you a hand.” He stands behind you to subtle sniff at your hair.

You can feel his chest press against your back when he tries to take the first plate out of your hand. “I—I can do this,” voice a little shaky you try to focus on the warm water soaking your hands, not the heat coming out of Cordell’s body. “How about you go back and chat a little or something.”

“Y/N, will it always be like that from now on? I want you to look at me the way you did before you left for New York,” he begins. “Please at least look at me. Even if you give me a dirty look. Just talk to me.”

“Do you think you are the only person thinking about shit all the time,” you place the plate back into the sink. “I think about Jason and Emily all the fucking time,” you turn around to jab your finger into his chest.

“Baby girl,” you whimper at the pet name. “I’m sorry—” he runs his large hands up and down your arms to calm you. “I should have stayed away from you, but I can’t. Y/N, I feel guilt too.” You huff at his words, not believing he feels sorry at all.

“Oh, you feel guilty for fucking me?” you retort, letting out a frustrated huff. “Do you know why I feel guilty, huh?” he shakes his head, swallowing thickly when tears well up to your eyes. “I feel guilty for getting them killed. I feel guilty for fucking my best friend’s husband. I feel guilty for hiding whatever we have from our families and friends. And I feel guilty for wanting you so bad that I can’t think straight when you are close to me.”

“Baby girl,” he gently cups your face, stroking your skin with his thumbs, “I’m so sorry for being an insensitive asshole. I should’ve told you how I feel a long time ago.” His lips softly press against your forehead, and you sigh deeply, hating he makes you feel weak all over again. “Please, give me a chance to show you I can be better.”

“I need to…I need to go,” you duck under his arm to escape the painful situation. Before you flee out of the house you look back over your shoulder to give Cordell one last glance. “Give me a few days to sort my thoughts, Cord. I just can’t be with you right now.”

“Hey, Ems,” you sit in front of your friend’s grave. “Do you think I should go back to New York? I-I know it’s wrong to love your husband, but I can’t stop my heart from beating only for him.” you sniff, wiping your eyes. “Shit, I can still feel his hands on me. He’s just—fuck. Cordell gets under my skin, Emily.”

Silence is a good friend tonight, so you sit there in front of her grave, drinking your favorite beer. “Do you remember when we first met? I thought you hate me, and you believed I am too cool to hang out with you. But the truth is, back then, I thought you are the coolest girl I ever met.”

“Shit, I wish you were here with me, Emily. I swear, nothing would’ve happened between me and Cordell if you were here. I could’ve never done such a shady thing,” you sip at your beer, sighing deeply.

“...and even now, I think about him and his fucking hands. God, his hands all over me and his lips against my throat. I love when he calls me baby girl. It drives me crazy, and I believe that I will lose my mind.”

“Coming,” Cordell grumbles, reluctantly opening the door to his house. “Y/N?” he gasps when you grab his shirt to bring him down for a messy kiss. “Baby girl.”

“Just shut up,” cupping the back of his neck, you kiss him again, this time slow and gentle. “I-I don’t know what to do. I only know that I want you.”

“I want you too—” you find yourself in his arms, your legs around his waist as he carries you inside his house. “Let me show you how much, baby girl…”

>> Part 5

Walker Tags

@mimzy1994, @rach-12, @jaredpadaleckisbride, @jessiebean00​

------------------------------------

All works Tags

@yolobloggers​

@shikshinkwon​

@miraclesoflove​

@mogaruke​

@shatteredabby​

@soryuwifeyxx​

@letsdisneythings​

@i-love-superhero​

@psychicforest​

@thevelvetseries​

@anaelsbrunette​

@sabascio​

@goodgodimaweirdperson​

@that-place-called-middle-earth​

@trumpettay​

@zxph-yr​

@belovedcherry​

@matsumama​

@emoryhemsworth​

@buckybarnesplumwhore​

@coldmuffinbanditshoe​

@princesssterek​

@xoxabs88xox​

@wandering-spiritash​

@riathearora​

@the-loml-got-nailed​

@greeneyedblondie44​

@novawillowbarnes

[cafedanslanuit]

Sweet Creature || Jumin x MC  -Oneshot

sweet creature, wherever I go, you bring me home

genre; fluff. so much fluff.

summary; Jumin gets stuck in another country away from his wife. He’s been having trouble falling asleep, so MC decides to tell him a bedtime story. A simple request ends up making Jumin open up about a small insecurity he had over is wife and his best friend.

notes; I said Jumin is in Peru because the law is very strict here: flights are not allowed and we’re under mandatory quarantine. Also because the time difference was a nice touch for this lol. Oh! This idea came up while listening to this song, hence the title~

-----------------

“Isn't it dangerous to travel these days? :(“

Jumin read that text over and over, as if, somehow, he could go back to the moment where he read it for the first time. He should have postponed his business travel, but due to his father giving him more responsibilities at C&R and himself thinking nothing wrong could happen, he was now trapped in Peru, kilometers away from his wife.

He turned around on his hotel bed, dreading the soft aroma of whatever detergent they used for the sheets. It wasn't unpleasant itself, but it wasn't the smell of your shampoo that always lingered on the pillowcases. 

It had been more than fifty days already. All he wanted was to return home, but flights were prohibited and he had no way to return home to you. Jumin checked his dual clock on his phone and decided it was okay to call you. It should be 5pm in Korea. It went unanswered, making him furrow his eyebrows. Surely nothing bad had happened, since you were under lockdown as well. 

He was letting his mind go to dangerous places when he received a call from you. He picked up, your face appearing on the screen with a smile.

"Sorry! I was at the bathroom. I thought you were already asleep, isn't it... like, 3 am there?" you asked, putting a strand of your hair behind your ear.

"Couldn't sleep" Jumin replied. He put his phone against a pillow, just where you would be lying if you were actually by his side. Picking the cue, you did the same, laying on the bed and looking at your husband through the screen.

"What's on your mind?" you asked.

"How long am I supposed to wait to be able to embrace my wife" he sighed.

"Probably a while more. When you come here, I think you'll have to go under quarantine yourself. Just in case" you answered, with a small pout. "I know it’s been already fifty-six days apart, and that those other forty when you get back aren't ideal for our first year as a married couple, but... we'll survive".

"You sound so collected. I thought I was supposed to be the businessman and you were the dedicated piano teacher" he teased. His smile grew as he watched you laugh.

"I may have learnt a thing or two from you. But honestly..." you let out a big sigh "I miss you too. Whenever anyone from the RFA checks on me I'm always sulking about how I can't see my husband".

Jumin's smile faded a little, watching you lose focus a little, your eyes lost somewhere in your bedroom.

"I'm sorry. I should have listened to you, I-- I thought it would be safe. Sorry for not being there for you".

"But you are" you assured him, your eyes on him again. "You are here for me. I'm in one of the safest buildings in town, there's plenty of food and I don't need to go outside for anything since you set up a delivery for me and Elizabeth be 3rd. You are still protecting me from so far away".

"We're missing so many celebrations. I was planning to take you out each month on our anniversary date for our first year as a married couple".

"I know, but you'll definitely be here for our anniversary! And we'll get to celebrate together, have a nice and romantic dinner at home and then fall asleep next to each other". 

Jumin smiled at your promise of a future where he wouldn't sleep on a empty bed anymore. He had got used to sleeping next to you so quickly, he didn't understand how was he able to sleep alone for so long.

"I am worried about something, though" you admitted. Jumin immediately scrunched his face, concerned.

"What is it?"

"I'm worried it's 3 am there and you can't seem to fall asleep" you said, concerned.

"I miss you"

"I miss you too. How about I tell you a story?"

"A story?"

"You know, a bedtime story. Maybe it can help?" you offered, shifting on the bed.

"I've never listened to a bedtime story. Wouldn't it be rude to fall asleep while you're talking?"

"No" you chuckled "That's the point. Let me try, okay? I'm going to tell you the story about... Mia. Mia was a girl who loved playing the piano. She loved it so much, sometimes she would cancel plans with her friends to stay home and play. She studied at a Music School to be a teacher and got pretty good grades".

"The piano?" Jumin asked, with a small smile. He then closed his eyes.

"Yes, this new and exciting character loved the piano. Anyway, one day she decided to download an app she didn't know, thinking it was a game she could play while on the bus. There she met these incredible people who ended up being a big part in her life. Even if things got… complicated surrounding lost brothers and surprisingly, cults, everything worked out in the end. She ended up falling for one of them, you know?”

“I always thought you would fall for Jihyun” Jumin commented, his eyes still closed.

“What?” you shifted on the bed, supporting yourself on your elbow.

“Mia. I always thought she would fall for Jihyun because they're so alike” he opened his eyes and put a hand through his hair. “They are very emotionally intelligent and always want the best for everyone around them. Natural caretakers. And also inclined to an artistic career”

You stayed in silence for a minute, not knowing if your husband was trying to make a joke you couldn’t understand or if he was being serious. You took a deep breath before talking.

“Hmmm, she liked him, yes. Jihyun was kind but she saw him the same way she saw Hyun or any of the others. He was a friend she could trust and a friend who would easily understand her when she was having a problem”.

“But if he could understand what she was feeling with a glance why did she…”

“She felt protected” you interrupted him “and loved by everyone at the RFA. But there was this man, the oldest of them all, who at first seemed cold and detached, but soon revealed his true self. You won't believe this, but he would send tons of photos of his cat to Mia!" Jumin chuckled. "But it was a beautiful cat and he was a beautiful man, so Mia liked it. He was fun, even if it was in an unconventional way. He went through a rough time when his cat got lost, but thankfully Mis was there for him. She got to know him a lot more on those days. For example, she found out he had trouble dealing with his feelings”.

“Not like Jihyun”

You sighed. “You think he was jealous of Jihyun?”

“I think so, yes. At least because of how easy it was for him to show emotion to his old girlfriend. How it was easy for him to express himself”

“Mmmm... Well, Mia didn't think the same. See, some people say music is a language itself. So she learnt from a young age words are not only the only way to express oneself. And there are a lot of ways for that. Some people say they love you, some people bring you presents, others spend quality time with you… there are a lot of ways, seriously. So when this young, cat-loving man asked Mia to stay for longer at his apartment, she understood he meant he wasn't feeling okay and that her presence, somehow, was helping her deal with everything. So she stayed. And... if you insist on Jihyun, I don't think he and Mia would have made a good couple" you say, tapping your chin with your index finger. "I think whenever one of those would have had a discrepancy, the other one would have made a drama out of it. I think they were so alike they wouldn't have let the other one grow. But whenever Mia talked with this guy I’ve been telling you about, she would always learn a thing or two. She would see a problem from another perspective and actually understand it better. Also, let's face it: she was melting whenever those dark eyes landed on her. Boy, did she feel like a teenager whenever he said something kind to her! It was embarrassing honestly” you laughed, hiding your face with your hands.

“Like a teenager?” Jumin asked with a soft smile, raising his eyebrow.

“Yes! One of those days she stayed at his place, he asked her to dine together, so she went to ‘refresh herself’ to the bathroom, okay? Actually, she was having a meltdown, fixing her makeup the best she could and thinking about interesting topics she could talk about with him”.

“Really?”

“I'm not joking. Jumin, she would get up earlier than him, brush her teeth, comb her hair and lay on her bed again so she would look somewhat good when he came to see her in the morning. It was pathetic. That's how smitten she was with him. Thank God I've never acted that way" you scoffed. Both you and Jumin looked at each other and smiled. “Not a long time went by before she ended up marrying him, can you believe it?” you asked, feigning surprise. Jumin chuckled.

“Sounds unreal” he admitted.

“I know, right?” you asked, laughing softly. “But she did, she actually married this guy in a beautiful church surrounded by the people she loved. It was a wonderful day. She couldn’t believe she could love someone that much”.

You stayed silent for a while, just looking at each other's face, remembering just how much in love they had been from the moment they saw each other.

“I'm sorry my story didn't help you sleep” you apologized in a soft voice.

“I do feel more relaxed now. I'm going to try and get some sleep now” Jumin said, stretching his neck.

“Please call if you can't. I'm always here for you, Mr. Han.” you teased him with a grin.

“Thank you, Mrs. Han. Have a nice evening. Please remember how deeply grateful I am that you chose me” he said in a soft voice. You smiled and blew out a kiss for him.

“As I am. Goodnight, my love”

[hollands-poppet]

Don’t Make Me Choose// Chapter 5

Mob!Tom Holland and Mob!Harrison Osterfield AU series

A/N: YO!!!! It’s been so long since I’ve posted anything!! I hope everyone is doing okay and is well! Due to COVID, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands!! I hope you guys are still reading and want to catch up! Talk to me, I’m free haha -Amy 💛💛💛

Word Count: 3.3K 💛

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 

playlist

Warnings: angsty, alcohol abuse, italics is flashback,cussing, I didn’t proofread this at all  

-

“Listen Haz,” he blows out another puff. The two make eye contact as the wind blows through there stiff, gelled hair. “I just want you to know that, I never intended to marry Y/N.”

Haz’s heart stops dead in his tracks as he hears his friend fessing up. He decides to take another sip at his tea, not believing what he is hearing right now.

Tom continues as the sunflowers in the back move slightly as the wind blows, the aesthetic helping the energy stay calm. The brunette clears his throat as he looks at the flowers, not being able to keep eye contact with his own best friend.

“I know you wanted her first and I just never thanked you for letting me keep her.” Tom confesses as he looks back at Haz who is already choked up.

This was a lot for for Harrison because his best friend usually never fessed up to anything. It was almost a healing process for him as well, a huge open wound that is healing slowly. It was a big deal for both of them because of the fact they have been on different wavelengths and it was like Tom wanted to fix that.

Harrison cracks a smile, “Thanks man. And I’m sorry for being a mess and thank you for being there for me.”

Tom sets down his cigar on the tea plate and nods his head, “Before we all get mushy, we have a problem..”

Tom leans forward and brings the cancer stick in between his lips, “It’s getting serious, mate.”

Haz watches his best friend in fear that he might have gotten the wrong idea about him and Y/N. There is no Y/N and I.

“What’s the problem?” Haz asks as he sits up straight in his seat.

“Well,” Tom removes the cigar from his lips. “It seems as though one of our clients up in Newcastle had a problem with one of our shipments.”

Haz then again adjusts himself in his seat while fixing his blazer collar while he responds, “What does this mean?” The seriousness of the matter still hadn’t hit the blonde as his best friend questioned his oblivion in his thoughts.

“What does this mean?” Tom replies in an almost sarcastic laugh and runs his thumb across his bottom lip. “It means that the crew’s leader in Newcastle put out a public threat against me.”

Haz nods in response, he still didn’t think much of this only because Tom ran most of the country between the gangs. He was the main guy, so he still wasn’t understanding the big deal. Tom had gotten threats before and with his status..he was untouchable.

“Alright Tom, so what do we do now? Do we send out James to do a couple of hits?”

Tom exhales deeply, releasing a puff of smoke that moves around between the two of them. “The problem is that we don’t know who is going to be hired to actually do the deed against me.”

Before Haz could even respond Tom continues, “We have an even bigger problem than that to be quite honest.”

In the blonde’s head this was wild because hits happened all the time whether it was against him or Tom or even one of the guys on their crew. It was inevitable, it was almost like a norm within the community. It was the name of the game, being marked wasn’t a secret in this lifestyle

“What is it mate, I don’t understand how being marked is a big deal, no one will touch you.”

“Y/N is marked.” Tom gets up from his seat and unbuttons his blazer. Even saying that out loud made him uncomfortable, how could he let that happen? “She’s fucking marked, Haz.”

Haz gets up from his seat and runs his hand through his hair worriedly, “What do we fucking do?”

Tom takes one more puff from his cigar, the smoke escapes his mouth as he speaks. “What we’re not going to do is tell Y/N, we can’t scare her...not before the ball.”

“Are you kidding, Tom?! Fuck the ball!”  

Haz now understood why Tom was so worried. Y/N was marked and if the boss’ wife was set to be wacked then there was a huge problem. A public threat like that is usually against retaliation for Tom’s title and whatever he did to piss of the mob boss really put Y/N in danger. A public wife wack on his wife is a huge fuck you, so what was the real plan?

“The ball is what Y/N waits for every year, we- I can’t do that to her. We’ll-” He sighs. “We’ll figure out.”

“But Tom-”

A quick shove to his chest causes Haz to lose a gasp of air, he didn’t even get to finish his sentence.

“But nothing.. don’t forget your fucking place, Harrison.”

An awkward silence floats around between the two, tension so thick it could be cut with a knife.

Tom sighs, “I’m going to check on Y/N, we’ll discuss this later.” He turns his back on his best friend and begins to make his way back into his home. He felt slightly disrespected, he felt threatened and not for his throne. He knew Haz meant well but he wasn’t going to let him try to tell him how to run things.

He knew the ball could easily be canceled but he feared that Y/N would leave him. And literally cancelling a ball should be no big deal considering he is trying to save her life but this lifestyle has been an issue since they met. If she knew the reason it was getting canceled...she would leave. She almost left before.

When Y/N found about Tom’s lifestyle, the money, the notorious fame.. the killing, that was something she could never really settle in her stomache. She loved him, so she stuck by his side no matter what baggage he came with. She didn’t even know if she could live with mob wife status but she compromises with it everyday.

Tom’s back face his friend as he makes his way inside, he turns around once more to catch Haz worriedly running his hands through his locks.

In those few seconds, Tom could feel something was wrong. He wasn’t stupid or an idiot. He felt the vibe that he had walked in on between Haz and Y/N. That was something Tom wasn’t going to believe. It was something that he didn’t want to believe..even if it was a gut feeling.

“Y/N is the best thing to happen to me, I won’t screw this up...I can’t.” Tom says as he presses his lips tightly together, and then he turns his back on his friend again.

FUCK. That’s all Haz could think, did he reveal himself without even knowing? A drink would be really good right about now.

_________________________________________________________________________

Later that night for dinner, Y/N and Tom had invited Bella and Harrison for a double date. To Y/N’s confusion, Tom insisted they stay home and would just hire a caterer for dinner. Without her knowledge, it was for her own good and safety.

Even though dinner was going to be in their home, she dressed up as if it were a fancy cocktail and not because it was because she wanted Tom to want her that night. She knew Tom wanted her every night but she had been recently hit with the baby bug.

Y/N has always wanted to be a mommy but these days she’s had baby fever. Besides, she felt like Tom would make a really good dad, and possibly leave this lifestyle that she had a love/hate relationship with. She knew it was a big ask and she herself loved the lavish lifestyle but at what cost.

She’d rather live in a flat, and be with Tom and start a family. That sounded like pure heaven to her.

As she loses herself in her thoughts while applying perfume behind her ear, she feels two arms come around her waist, “Mr. Holland, you’re terrible at trying to scare me.”

Tom lets out a breathy laugh into her neck, good chills come up her spine. “I wasn’t trying to scare you darling, I just couldn’t resist not touching you.” She turns around while in his arms, “You know Tom, tonight I was thinking we could-”

Before she could finish her sentence, he interrupts with a single kiss. “And then some?” He grins as he holds her by the waist tighter.

She nods, “Yes.. I mean always but..” She hesitates but decides to just ask. “Maybe we could work on a little Holland?”

Tom’s energy immediately changes, and she knew he didn’t like the question. He even knew the possible consequences that came with a baby. They’ve had these discussions before Y/N could never change his mind, and the answer was always no but she never gave up and she was going to try again.

He drops his head while letting out a sigh, “Y/N-”

“I know what you’re going to say but I feel like a little one would be good for us, don’t you think?” Her hands move from his shoulders onto his chest and back to his face and lifts his head. When his head comes back up, he is slightly confused.

“Good for us?” He asks. “What the fuck does that mean? It sounds like you’re trying to fix us.”

His hands drop from her waist and to his sides, “What are you trying to act like we’re broken, Y/N?”

A scoffe escapes her lips, “You’re fucking kidding right? I’m not trying to fix us, I just want to expand us. Imagine how much more perfect we would be with a little one here-”

“No!” Tom yells, his veins peeping through his neck. It didn’t even take a second for Y/N’s tears to flood her eyes.

She pulls it together for a few seconds, “Please, I-”

“Y/N, do you understand the amount of pressure I’m constantly under over your safety?” He begins to pace side to side, his hands running through his silky brown hair. “ I can’t bare to lose you, imagine my head if we had a kid?”

A single tear manages to escape her eye and roll down her cheek, “I’m just- lonely...I’m lonely when you’re gone, Tom.” She swallows the ball that burns her throat.

He takes a moment to pull together his thoughts, “It’s alright, darling. I forgive you.” His right hand comes up to her right cheek as he wipes away her tear.

Y/N with no hesitation immediately removes his touch by quickly moving his arm. She looks him dead in the eyes, “ I am not apologizing for wanting a family. You’re not listening to me, Tom.” She sighs as she looks back at the ground, “Just- just leave me alone.” She makes her way past him and her shoulder knocks his, she’s pissed.

“Y/N, wait!” Tom yells out as he turns around to catch Y/N stop right at the door.

She turns around, she doesn’t respond. She crosses her arms waiting for her husband to say what he has to say.

“You’re everything..I can’t lose you.” He says defeated.

Y/N looks at Tom, his temper quickly turns to near tears but she couldn’t let him control what she wanted. She loved him, she truly did but she wanted more than this.

She sighs as she looks at the rock sitting on her ring finger, “You might have already have.”

Y/N looks back up at Tom, and without hesitation leaves the room. She doesn’t even get to see Tom’s temper turn into heartbreak.

_________________________________________________________________________

Dinner went on as planned and it was as awkward than anyone can have imagined and not for the reason being that Y/N and Tom had a fight but Haz was late to the double date.

Bella had been crying for about 15 minute now, she couldn’t believe that Haz had stood her up. She wipe her tears as she move her spaghetti around with her fork.

Tom looks at Y/N who doesn’t make eye contact with him, he didn’t know what he could do to even fix what had happened between them earlier. He play around with the spaghetti in front of him with his fork and clears his throat, “You know..Haz should be here any minute now. He’s never usually late.”

Bella doesn’t even acknowledge Tom’s comment but continues to move spaghetti in front of her plate too. Her tears drops trickle onto the table as she sobs, “We’ve been here for over an hour.”

Y/N looks up at her friend and avoids her temptation to look at Tom through her  peripheral vision, “He’s probably caught up in something babes, I’m sure he’ll have a good excuse.”

Bella drops her fork and grabs the cloth that rest on her thighs and wipes some of her tears away. “I’m just embarrassed, I guess you could be right.” She grabs her wine glass while trying to holding in her tears, “Tom, how about a toast...hm?”

Tom sets down his fork as he lets out a smile, “Sure..why not?” He looks over at Y/N who is still avoiding him but she picks up her wine glass. She raises it but keeps her head down, no interest to even look at her husband.

He clears his throat and continues to look at his wife despite her cold vibe, “A toast to Y/N and possible new beginnings.”

And with that, Y/N’s head shot up to look at Tom so quickly. Whether he was referring to a baby or not, change was going to happen. It was a little hopeful for her but still maybe Tom would be willing to compromise. As horrible as this sounded, she couldn’t wait for Bella to leave so she could talk to him.

“I would like to quickly add something,” Y/N inserts as she raises her glass a little higher. “I just wanted to toast to Bella who still came out to dinner and is joining us tonight.” Y/N lets out a hopeful little smile to her hurting friend that she cares about.

Even though she was emotional, Bella appreciated her friend’s gesture and raised her wine glass high as well.

Just before their glasses were going to clink, the dining room doors swung right open to cause a huge banging sound.

“Hi, welcome to chili’s!” Haz blurts out as he catches himself on the door handle.

Tom can’t help but laugh at his friend and his random burst at the door. Bella on the other hand isn’t very amused, she shoots up from her chair and makes her way to the blonde.

“Haz, how dare you stand me up!” She crosses her arms, she’s so upset. She is so mad that her cheeks become so red that it enhances her blush, “Why the fuck are you late?”

Y/N turns around in her seat to watch the two talk, she doesn’t realize that something is wrong yet. None of them do.

“I, honestly..where am I?” Haz finishes the question with a burp, he stands against the door holding onto the handle for dear life.

Bella becomes emotional again, she couldn’t believe the way she was being treated and she couldn’t believe the way he was acting. She couldn’t believe that she had fallen in love with him, “Goodbye, Haz. Call me when you’re ready to grow up.” She walks right by him, not even looking back.

Tom takes a sip of his red wine, “You really fucked that one up, mate.” He laughs into his cup. Y/N looks back at Tom and gives him a stink eye, “Nice.” She rolls her eyes and turns her attention back to Haz.

This is when she begins to notice that something is really wrong. Haz can’t even keep his balance, and she begins to get up from her chair. “Harrison, are you feeling alright?”

The blonde nods and smiles, “I-I’m just hung-“ and before he could even finish his response he lost grip of the door handle and he falls straight onto his left side of his body and a big pop is heard.

“Harrison!” Y/N yells and Tom jumps from

his chair from the moment he seen his best friend tipping.

“FUCK!” Haz yells out, he tries to turn face up but he can’t even move. “I-I think I broke something.”

Y/N and Tom are kneeling over their friend as he lies in pain.

Tom’s hands over his body and is panicking, “Haz, man! Let me help.” As soon as Tom get closer to his friend, there was no way to hide smell that was coming off of the blonde. Y/N reaches over to see if she could help him move over on to his back but that’s when she smelled it too.

“Harrison..” She stopped because she didn’t want to ask in front of Tom because this wasn’t the time for a fight. “It’s going to be okay. Tom, go call for help. I’ll watch him while you go.”

Tom nods in response, he’s visibly upset. There is so much going on and he himself knows that his temper can get bad, he knows this isn’t the right time to pick an argument. He gets up from the floor and makes his way to his phone which he left up in the room.

Y/N removes her heels and moves closer to Haz, “You’re wasted aren’t you?”

Haz is breathing heavy at this point, sweat dripping down his head from the pain, “That sobered me up really quickly.”

She touches his right arm which is face up to the ceiling, “I can smell the bourbon... what the hell were you thinking?” She remarks as she moves to a kneeling position. “Let’s try to get you on your back.”

He nods no and flinches in pain, “I couldn’t help it..I felt like a-alone.”

Y/N’s jaw slightly drops because she’s surprised to hear what Haz says but before she can reply, he continues.

“I can’t feel my shoulder, it feels detached.” He lets out with a heavy breathe, he cries a bit.

She nods and just tries to stay calm so that she won’t scare him more, “It’s okay, we’ll wait here for help. Here, hold my hand.” She brings her left hand to his right hand, and holds hand tightly. “Tom is probably calling an ambulance, you’re going to be alright.”

Even through all his pain and his heavy breathing, he manages to let out a panting smile.

“Why are you smiling?” Y/N asks as she runs her hands through his hair trying to keep him calm.

“I love you so much, Y/N.” He lets out a slight grunt from the pain, any tiny movement really hurt. He thought maybe more booze would probably help numb the pain.

“Harrison, stop. You’re drunk.”  

“I’ve loved you from the first moment I seen you.” He rests his head on the floor, he’s noticing that she’s becoming more blurry. “You-you...” And he closes his eyes, the pain so severe it causes him to pass out.

-

-

A/N: Wow, I can’t believe I finally posted something again hahaha💛 anyway, let me know your predictions, thoughts, questions! ANYTHING! LOVE YALL. -Amy💛

p.s not everyone that is on the taglist asked to be tagged but if you want me to remove you let me know!!

Taglist: @ladybirduris​ @thedaydreamingwriter​ @a-walk-in-silence​ @tomhaz​ @mischiefmanaged49​ @tomshufflepuff​ @smexylemony​ @musicgirl234​ @spidey-pal​ @greenarrowhead​ @superheros-and-others​ @captainbuckyy​ @kawaiigothfishpasta @hollandechart​ @thollandx​ @glader-witch-wolf​ @amren-rhyssecond​ @peteryesparker​ @hazhasmycoffee​ @the-queen-procrastinator​ @hollandroos@spiderboytotherescue @hotsterfield @thedaydreamingwriter

[veronicamarsconfessions]

I was hugely excited by the announcement that a fourth season of teen noir show Veronica Mars was going to be made, nearly fifteen years after the show’s initial air date (and cancellation after three seasons), and five years after the crowdfunded movie came out. As soon as the show dropped on Hulu (or Stan, if you’re in Australia like me) – a week earlier than initially slated, I rushed to watch it. And I was so distraught by the ending that it genuinely took two days for my mood to return to something even vaguely resembling ‘okay’.

For those of you who haven’t seen it *SPOILERS FROM HERE ON*,

season four has Veronica (Kristen Bell) chasing down a serial bomber who seems to be trying to destroy the Spring Break business in Neptune. It turns out that the first bomb was set by property developer ‘Big’ Dick Casablancas, trying to destroy the Spring Break business in order to buy the waterfront properties cheaply, and the subsequent bombs were set by a pizza delivery man, Penn Epner (Patton Oswalt), who fancies himself a detective and is out to find glory after he is initially ridiculed for his public accusation of an incorrect suspect. The season itself had several issues (one of them being some seriously murky motivations behind Epner’s behaviour, like, if he really was that much of a genius, why was he a pizza delivery man?, and that the people ultimately behind the crimes are more or less ‘hidden in plain sight’ all along, which is a disappointing departure from the way the initial seasons cleverly hid the villain until quite late in proceedings). However, the issue for which there is not enough therapy in the world to appease me is the season’s last-minute killing off of reformed bad-boy and Veronica’s long-time boyfriend, Logan Echolls (Jason Dohring), right after they finally got married.

Series creator and showrunner, Rob Thomas, justified this decision by saying ‘I know this seems crazy or harsh but Veronica is at her best when she’s an underdog and I don’t know that there’s much to root for if she’s now got a perfect relationship. I need to keep her fighting and I need to keep her a little bit uncomfortable in order to have a show. There’s nothing funny or interesting about perfection.’

Except that’s a deeply flawed understanding of how relationships function, and a deeply messed up thing to push on to people.

It’s fair to acknowledge that once the ‘will-they-won’t-they’ is resolved, TV shows often decline in quality, or at the very least, significantly depart from the original formula which made them into such beloved hits at their beginning. But there are two significant issues with this: First, the assumption that TV shows must remain the same in order to be good. There are some interesting observations that the job of the sitcom episode (in particular) is to return all characters to more or less their original starting points. While that is broadly true, TV shows, like life, need to evolve in order to stay interesting, and as across seasons, audiences grow alongside the characters they watch evolve and mature.

Nevertheless, it was fair for Thomas to note that the characterisation of Veronica is someone who is embittered and cynical about people’s fidelity and inherent goodness  – after all, when we first meet her at the age of sixteen, her best friend has been brutally murdered, she’s been raped, her alcoholic mother has upped and left, and her adored father and moral compass has been socially ostracised for a) doing his job and b) being not super wealthy. It’s a lot. Veronica’s very understandable trust issues are compounded by the moonlighting she does as a P.I where, to she regularly sees people cheating on one another and generally behaving in unpleasant ways. So it’s reasonable to point out that for Veronica, the notion of the ‘happily ever after’ is a deeply uncomfortable one. But to keep her in the same mindset as she was at aged 16 is to deny her the capacity to grow as a character.

It’s fair that there was a desire to avoid repeating the pattern previously established (withdrawn/bitter etc), but – and here is my ultimate point – that could have been avoided.

Some of the most complex and interesting storylines come from couples who get together and have to navigate relationships; compromising to fit together, find a way to make it work. Think about the evolution of Niles and Daphne’s relationship in Frasier (and leave aside some of the aspects to his earlier infatuation with her that seem distinctly distasteful in a post-#metoo world). While much of the humour between them in earlier seasons was because of his unrealised ardour for her, after they became a couple, the hardships they navigated through being a couple, and the deepening richness of their relationship that was both romantic and based in friendship, produced some truly hilarious moments. Similarly, one of my (and our fabulous Chief Nerd, Elise’s) favourite TV shows, Chuck, *SPOILER* has the two leads get together in season 3. The show was no lesser for that fact because as Chuck and Sarah’s relationship deepened, they explored facets of themselves that they hadn’t previously shown – it provided more material for the writers, not less.

One of my favourite articles on the ending of Veronica Mars, season four, pointed out that Logan has the most interesting character development because he works to better himself – he has come a long way from the miscreant teenager who organised ‘bum fights’, and he had the potential to become an even more interesting character. How this interacted with Veronica’s cynicism could have provided significant fodder for more story.

But, giving full credit to Rob Thomas for a moment here, the show is called Veronica Mars, not Logan Echolls. So the decision to axe Logan was made to push Veronica’s character development forward, especially given the shows position as a gender-flipped noir which so often has the embittered, cynical detective dealing with the ongoing pain of a tragically killed love.

But the problem is that I can’t actually see how this is going to do anything but ossify Veronica’s primary characteristics: bitter, a hardnosed and reckless desire to catch the bad guy at any cost. Moreover, in most of the noir detective stories, this love has died before we meet the hard-bitten detective.

Thomas said to The Hollywood Reporter, “Moving forward, we’re going to really build around [the idea that] the case is the thing and less of the soap opera of Veronica’s life.” Except Veronica Mars is all about character. Her interactions with her father, Keith (Enrico Colantoni) and the genuine bond of affection between them evokes some of the show’s most poignant interactions. Her internal struggle when the pursuit of justice comes up against questions of morality is inherent grounded in her character. One of its most interest aspects across the years is that Veronica is often wrong. She falsely accuses people (including Logan himself), she behaves badly, she takes her friends for granted, and she can be reckless to the point where she endangers herself and someone has to come in and rescue her (case in point: wandering into the base of an Irish gang that had a particular grudge against her father). So to strip away the elements to the story that allow for depiction and consideration of those complexities would be to lose much of the show’s point.

There’s also a part of me that feels the way in which Logan was killed feels personal. Logan and Veronica were never initially meant to get together, but in the first episodes, the chemistry between the characters, and Kristen Bell and Jason Dohring was so profound that it was written in. I might be putting on my tin foil hat to say this, but it feels as though Thomas resented the manner in which LoVe became such a pivotal part of the Veronica Mars ‘brand’. What really underpins that for me is that the way the series sent off other characters was considered, and gave them a certain ‘exit’. The way in which Logan was killed off feels almost like an afterthought, made more so by some of the questions that arise from the manner. How did he know that she would be in it when it actually blew up? Moreover, the convenience of him leaving a voicemail for his therapist about why he wanted to marry Veronica (why exactly would he call his therapist to tell him about his epiphany? Who has that kind of relationship with their therapist?), and this woman’s decision to keep it from Veronica for a year seems weirdly contrived. Because it was.

However, to be fair, one could claim that the season mistreated some of its other characters, too. Tina Majorino who plays Cindy ‘Mac’ Mackenzie specifically noted that she did not want to return because she did not want her character to be sidelined. Similarly, the complexity to Eli ‘Weevil’ Navaro’s character was stripped away, as was the depth of his relationship with Veronica. What’s worse is that this could have been a really interesting storyline; why he decided to walk away from the court case which would have seen him awarded with compensation for what happened to him in the movie. While we are told that his wife left him along with his child, prompting him to return to his old gang-running ways, the depth of his grief and the reputable life he lost were never really portrayed. Honestly, I would have preferred that rather than the convoluted storyline that involved Mexican cartel hitmen.

But beyond my argument as a writer as to why Logan’s death was a totally unnecessary element to bring in, it also feels like a real slap in the face to fans. I’ve previously talked about the relationship this show has with its fans. Realistically, season 4…hell, the movie, only existed because of the love and support fans showed the show.

Any narrative material exists to interact with fans. Obviously, there is a fine line that can cross into blatant pandering, and there is also a trend that offers a ‘gritty’ or ‘sad’ end (ie the tragic death of the lover), but it’s a balance.

The Veronica Mars movie was very much fan service – it was, after all, fan funded. Much of the movie’s contents and storyline were determined by what Thomas was seeing from fan comments on social media, noting “I did have an idea of things people wanted to see, characters I wanted to get an appearance in, whether it felt extraneous or not.” He added, “there’s no way in the world we would have had a fan-funded movie and I would have killed Logan,” he added.

In the same interview, he said, “I fear that leaning into the high school soap that the show started out as is a losing proposition, that it will start feeling nostalgic rather than vital. If Kristen [Bell] and I want to make more of these Veronica Mars mysteries, I think it’s going to survive best as a true mystery show with a badass PI at the center of it, and I think that works better if the PI doesn’t have a boyfriend.”

Yet for a show whose who schtick was challenging the noir detective genre, it seems the prospect that someone fundamentally gritty and damaged can also have a relationship that the struggle to be healthy was simply a bridge too far.

And at the crux of it, what really frustrates me – as a fan, and as a writer – is that for Thomas, it simply felt too hard to give Logan and Veronica an enduring relationship, and it if wasn’t too difficult, then he perceived it destroyed some fundamental part of the show by making it emotionally sappy. If that’s the dichotomy in which Thomas thinks, then Veronica Mars is no longer the show which attracted its die-hard following of fans and may as well be a different show with a similar premise.

[dopescotlandwarrior]

Unforgotten- Chapter 3

Previous chapters on AO3       A special thanks to @statell​ for all your help

Chapter Three

Jamie dragged through his rounds at the hospital bleary-eyed and stumbling to his office, where he was scrutinized by his office manager. If he had been coherent he would have noticed this look as a first warning, he was out of control. Instead, he locked himself into the office and sat back in his chair to doze until called for his first patient.

He knew it was time to pull back, get more sleep, stop acting like a teenager with a new dose of testosterone short-circuiting his brain. He remembered his call to an old buddy, John Grey, with an offer to get re-acquainted. It was an attempt to strangle his broken heart by finding something, anything, to make Claire Beauchamp fade away so he could be happy again.

“John! I havna seen ye in a long time, wanted to call and catch up with you. Are ye free for a drink on Friday night?”

“Give me an hour, and I will be.”

An hour later Jamie read a message from John, “see you Friday night at Mickey’s, can’t wait.”

It was too easy to slip into a new existence, a comfortable camaraderie with an old friend who knew all the hot spots and fun places to be on the weekend. The two friends were deadly together. Both strikingly handsome in different ways, both hungry, and both drew women where ever they went. Life was going by so fast for Jamie there wasn’t time to check in with the toothless twin in his head, so he ignored him.

He had begged off Jenny’s invitation for dinner so many times she was getting huffy about it. She left a scathing text message that drove Jamie to cancel with John next weekend. Either that or his sister would come into town and drag him home.

Driving to Lallybroch with a great bottle of whisky made him happy he was going home for the evening. It was late July and he saw groups of children playing as he turned down his street, bringing memories back of doing the same with his faithful friends. The estate looked great with all the fields growing full and healthy, almost ready for the harvest.

Jenny came out of the kitchen door, arms wide for her brother, smiling brightly. Jamie hugged her and handed over the bottle of whisky, noticing her approval. It was a wonderful evening, Jamie played touch football with Jenny’s boys and Ian, his childhood best friend. The rules of no tackle were ignored with the first pass and the men laughed and fell down, while Jenny dissolved in laughter. Jamie had introduced Lallybroch to American football after returning from his year at Columbia. It was great fun for the whole family and Jamie was in his happy place. Hearing the hum of a car and wheels crushing the stones on the driveway, he looked up to see a gorgeous Jaguar, top down, with an auburn head of hair behind the wheel. The neighborhood friends had joined the game and eleven kids hit him at once, crashing him to the ground.

Geneva stepped out of her magnificent car and laughed at the pile of kids that were rolling off as a big man pushed to his feet. She hugged Jenny and laughed at the funny kids. When her eyes landed on Jamie she smiled and waved at him. Jenny yelled dinner was ready and made the introductions when the men were coming in.

“Jamie, this is a friend of yours from grade school, Geneva Dunsany.”

Jamie looked at the Irish beauty with the crystal blue eyes and dark hair and felt his world tilt. He remembered her, a snooty little brat who lorded over the other kids because her teeth came in early and her family was rich. Now that she was grown up, demure and blushing, Jamie took a new inventory and his interest grew through dinner. They took a long walk after supper that was interrupted by his ringing cell phone.

“I’m sorry lass, one of my patients is in labor and close to delivering. I must go. I promise to send Ian to get ya because I have to run.”

“I know how to run Jamie.” She removed her heels, “let’s go.” Geneva took off while he was still contemplating what she said. He smiled his approval and caught up with her. When they approached the kitchen, she said goodbye and ran directly into the house, shoes in hand.

He stared after her and then peeled out of the driveway to deliver a precious baby that was already deeply loved with a promised life of affluence and support to be its guide in this new world. As Jamie checked in on his patient, he heard her husband coach her expertly and gave him a thumbs up. The labor and birth were textbook perfect, and he handed a very blessed son to the waiting father.

When he dropped into bed he thought about Geneva, happy she had grown up refined and tolerant. He called her the next day and got more excited as the weekend grew near. She was impressive to look at and her conversation was both stimulating and warm. He was hooked, and with Jenny’s encouragement, soon Geneva was all over his life. Her family loved him. A doctor was a very good catch indeed, so they welcomed him and paved the way for their daughter to solidify the union.

Claire woke up with an aching shoulder and gently pulled her hand out of the bassinet next to the Lazy Boy. The baby seemed less distressed at night when she felt a warm hand on her skin, so Claire obliged any night she wasn’t pulled into surgery by Cutter. She yawned and stretched before preparing a bottle of formula and thought her heart might explode seeing the tiny girl smile at her.

“Oh my God, a gift for me, sweetheart.” Little arms moved a bit in the air but laid still from exhaustion after a few minutes. Claire held her and looked into the sweetest eyes as she offered the bottle. The mother was released two months ago and had not been back to check on her daughter. Claire’s heart broke to know she was abandoned, but it didn���t stop her from giving constant attention to the baby.

“I think it’s time to name you princess. Luna is perfect for a miracle baby. Do you like it?”

The baby was sound asleep. She didn’t have the energy to drink the amount most babies do at four months and a full belly was like knock-out drops. Claire put her in the bassinet and wandered outside to the picnic tables to relax. The trees and high foliage had been cut back to lower fire damage to the hospital so she could see the sky and the brilliant full moon. She gazed at it and thought about Jamie looking at the same moon. It was a momentary connected to him. The pictures were pulled out of her lab coat pocket and she looked through them by the light of the moon. Everyone looked so happy and dressed up, having a fabulous time at her going away party. She looked at Jamie’s smiling face and her heart hurt. “Be well handsome,” she whispered into the night. Leaning back she sighed and closed her eyes, just before a screeching animal dropped on her face.

Claire screamed and batted at the thing, feeling it jump behind her head and pull her hair. She was terrified, running around trying to knock it off when she felt the thing jerk away from her. She spun to see Cutter wrestle with the animal and shout when it bit him. The monkey shrieked and tried again to bite but was knocked to the ground and ran away.

“Jesus Cutter, how bad is it?”

“It’s nothing, but I could use some treatment, do you mind.”

“For my hero, anything.”

Claire looked at the bite and steered Cutter back into the building and into a treatment room. She washed the bite with Betadine and giggled at Cutter’s face grimacing with the sting. She handed him a sterilized gauze so he could assess the damage from the little monster while Claire ran for Penicillin.

“Drop the drawers handsome and lean forward.”

She stabbed him in the ass delivering a five CC payload of antibiotics that would bring Hercules to his knees. She kept an arm on his back while she massaged the stinging medicine in his butt. She could hear him suck his breath and growl.

“Don’t be such a baby, Cutter. Do you want me to blow on it?”

“Well yes actually, that would make it much better,” he choked out between giggles.

“Sorry, I only blow the patients now, so on your way soldier.”

Cutter turned around and kissed her on the lips, ducking quickly to avoid her fist and laughing at how easy she was to assault. They had been glued at the hip for the last four months, forging a bond professionally and personally. Both knew they would walk through fire to protect and save each other.

A month after arriving, Claire came onto Cutter. He pulled her into his lap and looked at her like she was a fine treasure. He ran his hand down her leg and told her he was honored and excited she had chosen him. Then he explained that his estranged wife had made contact with him, and he couldn’t touch another woman if he was to share his life with her again. Claire didn’t feel disappointed, but she was curious about his fidelity.

“Tell me about it, please”

“About what?”

“Why did she leave? Did you want to control her and change her views on life? You couldn’t stop so she would stay?”

He looked at her for a long minute. “Is that what happened to you, Claire?”

“It always happens, that is how relationships are, and I rebel.”

“Not a shocker, sweet-pea, and you’re wrong about relationships. You aren’t old enough to have had more than one or two. You should never feel oppressed or held down by your partner, just the opposite. He should encourage you to fly and succeed. Men who want to change you are insecure or narcissistic and they aren’t worth your time. Don’t settle. You are in the upper five percent in gorgeousness, spirit, and skill. You just wait until the perfect man comes along and be open to him. My best advice.”

Claire touched his cheek before going to bed. “Thank you, Cutter.”

She walked back to her room to clean up for dinner and thought about that conversation with Cutter. Since that night, her melancholy was permanently parked in her head. She needed to talk to someone on the outside and on a whim, she called Laoghaire who was overjoyed to hear her voice. They talked for a long time before Claire asked how Jamie was.

Laoghaire assumed it was an old friend asking about another and happily explained her cousin was in a serious relationship and she expected them to marry someday. She described the beautiful and graceful Geneva as the perfect woman and Claire was finding it hard to breathe. When Laoghaire continued with details of Jamie’s relationship Claire clicked off and ran for Joe.

“Joe! Give me your phone.”

“What do you say, dearest?”

“Please.” Claire finally looked up and Joe saw the tears and pain in her face.

“Anything for you love.”

Claire sent a text to Laoghaire that her phone went dead, and she will catch up another time. When she handed the phone back Joe pulled her outside, where she gave him the sad story about leaving Jamie after two amazing days. Her confusion that started right after their time together, and her struggle to forget him. She cried so hard people were coming outside to check on her, only to see Joe’s warning to stay away.

He felt so sorry for Claire. She had arrived a different person and Joe could not get her to share anything with him. This was a bomb going off in her life, making her talk because the pain was overwhelming. He held her against him and told her she would not expire from this, but she would grow and find another love. He kissed her cheek with compassionate eyes when she pulled away to feed Luna.

When Luna was back in the bassinet sleeping peacefully, Claire could not stop her tears. She cried in the dark until the door opened letting the bright lights of the hallway flood into the room.

She hid her face while Cutter examined Luna and then he picked Claire up and stretched out on the Lazy Boy, pulling her into his side and pressing her head to his chest.

“Do you want to talk about it, Claire?”

He felt her head shake no and her sobbing continued so he just held her to him and they both finally slept.

For the next three days, Joe, Kevin, and Cutter took turns staying close to Claire. Her tears finally stopped but she walked around lifelessly and hardly ate anything. Cutter worried because she didn’t have any weight to lose so he pushed Ensure milkshakes at her and pestered her to drink up. On the fourth day of her sadness, Joe suggested she text or call Jamie and then kissed her goodnight.

Claire laid in the dark Lazy Boy and stared at her phone. Before she could stop herself, she typed… wishing you the best, would love to share a phone call, CB… Send.

Jamie struggled through another night of insomnia staring into the dark, listening to Geneva breathe next to him. She had been testy all week and refused to answer his persistent questions about her mood. He felt trapped in a cage when she got like this. Like she wanted to torture him by not letting him leave and not acknowledging his presence. He might find out in a few days and he might never know what set her off. He only knew he felt miserable and wanted some space.

Jamie picked up his vibrating phone and squinted in the dark. He got out of bed as quietly as possible and heard Geneva swear under her breath and sigh loudly. He read the text and was calling the number in less than a minute.

Claire tried to slow the ramming in her chest and sound normal when she said hello. The first few minutes were awkward as Claire was running to her room so she wouldn’t disturb Luna. When her door closed it was just her, Jamie, and five thousand miles between them.

“You don’t have a sleepy voice, were you still up?”

“Aye, sheet boxing with my insomnia. Are ye well Sassenach?”

Jamie’s head was whirling at this surprise and he had a moment’s thought to control the conversation and end it quickly, which he was helpless to do. Instead, he walked around his living room, kitchen, and outside where he walked the streets with the phone pressed to his ear. They filled each other in on the events since they last spoke. Jamie was amazed at the conditions she lived in and his story made no mention of Geneva. Was he sparing her feelings, or did he not want to open up to her?

“Well, it was great talking to you, Jamie. I am due to feed a baby, so I have to go.”

“Sassenach, why did you call me tonight?”

Claire was uncomfortable with her answer but remembered standing in the stadium parking lot and Jamie’s request for honesty.

“Sassenach?”

“Because I am still crushing, after all this time. I spoke to Laoghaire and she said you’re getting married and I fell apart. I’ve been crying for four days and I just wanted to hear your voice and tell you I’m sorry for leaving the way I did.”

“Sassenach,” his voice was barely over a whisper. She felt his voice wrap around her just as the tears were coming.

“How can I help ye?”

“Will you Skype with me, next week?”

“Aye, I will.”

“Thank you, Jamie. Goodnight.”

Jamie stared down at his phone for a full minute. He wasn’t confused or conflicted, and he didn’t believe this was more than a young girl feeling lonesome tonight. It changed nothing for him because she was never coming back here. Maybe this was the first night without a date for her, making her feel insecure and alone. Whatever it was, he wasn’t biting and doubted there would be any Skype next week.

Laying back on the couch, Jamie felt tired, of everything. He remembered the first time he touched Geneva and the excitement of pulling each piece of clothing off her. She was modest and kept him skin to skin, pulling his shoulders up when he tried to taste her. To date, she was still receptive, only in the dark and allowed only conservative positions, pulling Jamie into an orgasm by the shortest means possible. Sex was part of his benefits package. Something she gave, under the right circumstances, but seemed not to take. It was easy in the beginning because he liked her intelligence and the way she looked. Time will reveal all if you’re willing to wait and after four months, her true nature was clear, she was still that mean little girl.

This was the task before him, putting Geneva back in her box without causing a scene that would reverberate through Edinburgh and land on his patients. He was ready to spend another weekend in the woods and suddenly felt better. Another doctor would take his calls for the weekend and he could disappear tomorrow afternoon after his last patient. He slipped into his exhausted sleep and his last thought was kissing Claire on this couch, a long time ago.

Claire was thriving on the adrenalin and happiness that Jamie did not hate her. She blew through the weekend with renewed energy that was noticed by everyone. Luna responded better, her coworkers were happy with her banter, and the patients were more cooperative. Cutter and Joe did not like the change in her. It was a quick fix of some kind. She had not put the work into this miraculous recovery which meant it was fake and she would crash again.

Cutter called to Claire, it was time to go and watched her practically skip to the jeep. He exhaled and rolled his eyes declaring open season on Claire’s secrets and intentions. After a long day visiting the outlying counties to administer shots and general well exams they piled back into the jeep and headed back to the hospital. Claire was tired but undaunted as her personality emerged, happy and strong as she stood in her seat and danced with the wind her hair to a favorite song on the radio. She was so alive, uninhibited and free. Cutter laughed, wondering if this was the real Claire or her bipolar opposite.

“Stop!! Please stop. Is that a pool through there? Back up, pretty please?”

Cutter threw the jeep in reverse and looked where she pointed. It was a pool indeed, attached to a resort that looked abandoned. Claire jumped out of the jeep and ran into the bush, getting closer to the iron fence. Cutter looked around warily and called her back just before he heard a splash.

Running to the gate he saw it was open. On the inside, graffiti covered almost every wall and structure. His heart started to pound as he walked quickly toward the pool, looking for Claire. He started waving her toward him, but Claire had mischief on her mind, he could see it in her face. He said nothing until she swam to him, naked except for her underwear. He reached in and grabbed her around the waist, pulling her up as he started running back to the jeep. His grip was brutal around her waist and he ignored her protest and request for her clothes, left where she shed them. She was practically thrown into the jeep with Cutter’s eyes giving a directive she could not ignore. He spun the jeep in a circle and a death-defying race back to the hospital was underway.

Claire barely got her seat belt on before she was launched from the jeep. Cutter was unbuttoning his field jacket and pulling his arms out of it as they were bounced and jarred from the speeding vehicle. He held it toward her, and she was buttoned into the garment as the jeep came to a screaming halt at the hospital. Claire jumped out and ran for her room before anyone saw her in Cutter’s jacket.

She pushed against her bedroom door, panting for breath. The knock made her jump and she saw the doorknob twisting from someone outside.

“Just a minute!”

“Claire! Let me in.”

She opened the door to see Joe, looking angry, and the doom crept into her.

“Why did you do it, Claire? Do you care so little for his happiness?”

Claire looked at him wide-eyed and shook her head.

“What are you talking about, Joe?”

Cutter is only waiting for his commitment to be up. He’s going home to start fresh with his wife. Now you’re half-naked and so is he. Did you seduce him? Was it worth it?”

“Jesus Joe. No, nothing happened, and your boy is unmolested. I spotted a swimming pool on the way back at some spa or something. It was vacant so I jumped in. Cutter came at me like a crazy person and hauled me back the jeep, almost killing us both on the way back. What the fuck was that place Joe?”

Jamie sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee and reading the paper. It was seven o’clock and he was back from doing his rounds to wait for Geneva to wake up. He was calm and excited to get out of town later today.

“Jamie! I didn’t expect to see you this morning. What is going on?”

“I wanted to tell you that I’ll be leavin this afternoon for the weekend. I’m sorry it’s such short notice but I haveta go.”

“We have dinner with my parents tomorrow night, any chance you’ll be back for that?”

“No lass, sorry.”

“So, what the hell do I tell my parents?”

“That I left for the weekend. It’s time for work, maybe we can have dinner on Monday.”

When the front door closed Geneva tried to calm down. This was ridiculous and she was living in constant frustration. Jamie held her at arm's length from the beginning. She couldn’t talk him into any more than three days a week and she didn’t even have a pair of shoes in his closet. It was time for her to let Jamie know she wanted more. A ring on her finger was a good start, or she was walking.

[lycorogue]

Love Square Fluff Week: Part 5 - AU Day

That’s right, folks. I’m still stubbornly working on those @lovesquarefluffweek​ prompts. It kept me nearly an extra week to decide what I wanted to do with the prompt ‘AU Day’, and only finally figured it out after thinking of an episode of Ouran High School Host Club.  It then kept another week - and about 5 different rewrites and major storytelling shifts - for me to actually get the darn thing figured out. I wanted to have the final 3 prompts completed before the end of February, but Life sucks, doesn’t it? I AM still going to work on those final 2 prompts - ‘Your Voice’ and ‘Reveal’ - and I hope to get at least one more up this upcoming week.

UPDATE (3/1/2020): You can now read this story at my other three normal locations: on AO3, on FFN, and on DA.

Without further ado, I revive my Fluff Week story for chapter 5: 

Making the Complicated Simple

Summary: The Love Square is as complicated as it’s always been, with Marinette only in love with Adrien, and Adrien only in love with Ladybug. Tikki confesses that she might have a solution to the whole problem, but it ended up making things even MORE complicated. Marinette just wants a simple solution to everything.

Word Count: 4881 Rating: General Audience Spoilers: Major - Rena Rouge and Carapace in Season 2, Puppeteer 2, and Zombizou  Minor - Frighteningale, Felix, and Dark Cupid Love Square Side: Adrienette and MariChat (sorta) Romance Level: Collapsing Love Square; attempts to woo

WARNING: This story is probably going to feel trippy until you “get” it.

There he was: Adrien. The love of Marinette's life, although she could never find a way of letting him know, despite her many attempts to do just that.

“Marinette?” Tikki chirped from Marinette's purse.

The teen kept staring longingly at the street poster of Adrien, debating how much trouble she'd be in if she swiped it. Adrien was posed a little seductively, his elbow resting on a counter just behind him, and his other hand running through his hair as he gave a cheeky grin to the camera; his eyes a little heavy. He filled the full poster, meaning he was also life-size. Marinette felt the temptation to lean into the public advertisement board outside their school and just place a long kiss on Poster-Adrien's lips. Germs and embarrassment kept her from following through.

“Marinette!” Tikki tried again. “Just go to him and tell him how you feel.”

“You mean like I did at the wax museum?” Marinette snarkily replied.

“Um.” Tikki sheepishly tucked herself further inside the purse. “Maybe not so dramatically? I'm sure a simple 'I really like you, Adrien' will work.”

“You know I can't do that.” Marinette slumped against the poster so her head was nestled against the arm Adrien was leaning on.

“Just try. Use the poster. Tell him how you feel, but, maybe keep it simple. Like you did in the Valentine, or when you made that video to try to cheer him up.”

“Tikki-” Marinette looked down at her kwami, but Tikki simply waved for her to go on. Looking around, Marinette discovered she was alone. The streets were surprisingly empty for such a sunny afternoon. She checked her phone to see if there was an akuma alert she somehow missed, but all she saw was a white screen with black font reading 'NOTHING WRONG'.

Shrugging it off, she deeply inhaled, plotting out what she'd say. Turning to the poster, Marinette became just as shy and warm as she normally would be around the actual Adrien.

“Adrien,” she started meekly, “I need to tell you something. I should have told you this long ago. I love you. I've loved you practically since we first met. You are amazing, and I hope you know that.”

“That was perfect, Marinette!”

Marinette looked at her friend upon Tikki's encouraging words. A smile slowly grew on her face, her cheeks pinking.

“It was very sweet,” Adrien's voice chimed in.

Marinette jumped, and looked up at the poster. Adrien had shifted in it. He was standing upright instead of leaning on the counter, and his one hand was rubbing the back of his neck instead of combing through his hair. His shoulders were hunched, and his cheeks were lightly flushed.

“A-Adrien?” Marinette squeaked in disbelief.

“It's a shame that I only think of you as a friend, but I appreciate how much you care about me.” Adrien stepped down from the poster, rested a hand on Marinette's shoulder, gave her another soft smile, and then walked over to his father's awaiting town car. He waved her goodbye, and climbed into the back seat.

Behind Marinette, the poster restored to Adrien seductively posing against a counter.

~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~

“I told you dozens of times already, Chat Noir. I'm in love with another boy.” Ladybug leapt from one roof to another, her partner racing beside her.

“I know, but isn't it hard to never be able to tell him who you really are? Meanwhile, I already know about your superheroing, M'lady.”

“First of all, Ladybug isn't who I really am. Which means it's actually you who doesn't know the real me.” She stopped to scan the horizon. A large dust cloud kicked up from a street about a kilometer away. That was where the akuma must be. She started off in that direction.

Chat Noir quickly followed. “That's very true, Bugaboo, but wouldn't it be better to be able to talk to your boyfriend about how stressful being a superhero and Guardian is? Plus, I would understand if our dates had to be cancelled because of akuma attacks.”

“We wouldn't be able to have dates. We don't know who the other is.”

“I set up that picnic on the rooftop once. We could do that as dates. And I don't mind not knowing who you are under the mask. I like a little mystery to spice up my relationships.” He landed beside her on another rooftop and winked.

She giggled despite herself, then waved him off with a stern arm slash through the air. “We don't have time for this, Chat Noir!” She scanned the area. It was a wreck, but there was no akumatized supervillain anywhere that she could see. She didn't spot any hurt civilians either, so that was a positive.

Behind her there was a loud rumble. She turned in time to see another large dust cloud.

“He moved this way, hurry up! And no more talk about us dating. You need to give that up, Chat Noir!”

Hooking a flag poll sticking out of a nearby building, she swung herself towards the villain. She never actually found it, but saved the day none-the-less.

~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~

“Okay, enough!” Tikki shouted as Marinette looked longingly at the Adrien collage on her desktop.

“Tikki? You okay?” Marinette pushed away from the desk as she turned to her irritated friend. She had never seen Tikki so riled up before.

“You've been in love with Adrien for months, and nothing has changed. Yet you keep turning Chat Noir down because you can't think of anyone besides Adrien. Clearly you aren't going to move on, are you?”

“N-no. No, I'm not, but-”

“No buts.” Tikki crossed her arms in front of her and shook her head. “That's all the answer I need.” She sighed audibly, hanging her head. “I didn't want to tell you this because I don't like using it, but as the Kwami of Creation, I can even create feelings. I can make Adrien fall in love with you if you really want me to.”

“You can?” Marinette leapt from her chair, scooping Tikki up and practically pressing the little being against her nose. “You truly can?”

“Yes.”

“Then, yes! Please, Tikki? Please? I'll do anything!”

“You do understand that if I do this you can never be sure if it's my magic that makes him love you or if he truly does. Are you prepared for that?”

“Tikki, it's Adrien! Please. I just want him to love me back. Then we can get married, and have three kids, and a hamster. And he'll be my personal model, proudly showing off his wife's amazing work. And then we'll retire to a private island and spend the second half of our lives just cuddling with each other. And-”

“Okay! Okay. I'll do it. You're lucky I love you, Marinette.” Tikki pouted as she gave her holder a long side-eye.

“Oh! Thank you, Tikki! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She placed a large kiss on Tikki's cheek and nuzzled her kwami.

“Fine. I'll be right back.” She giggled off the affection Marinette poured onto her, then zipped through the wall.

Almost instantly, Tikki dashed back through, in a panic.

“Tikki? What's wrong? Did someone see you?”

“This is bad. This is very bad. I'm sorry, Marinette. I didn't mean to.”

“Didn't mean to what?”

Above them, there was a tap on the skylight.

Marinette didn't remember climbing to the roof. She was just there, as if she had teleported to her balcony. She wasn't confused, though. She leaned against the railing and looked across the Seine at the Notre Dame.

“Good evening, my princess.” Chat Noir cooed behind her, making her jump.

“Evening, Kitty. What are you doing here?”

“I had something very important to tell you.” Chat Noir knelt before her and scooped up her hand with his left. In his right was a single red rose. “Marinette, I love you.”

“You- you what?” Marinette screeched.

“I don't know why I never saw it before.” He stood up, her hand still in his, and he inched closer. “You have hair dark as night, but eyes as vibrant as bluebells. You're kind and brave. You're amazing, Marinette.”

There was something about the softness in Chat Noir's voice that last sentence. He quickly flickered into Adrien before flashing back into Chat Noir. She blinked a few times, but the image of Adrien didn't return. As Marinette studied the artificially-green eyes hidden behind a black mask, she remembered exactly who it was that was confessing his love to her. It wasn't the boy of her dreams, like she would have wanted. It was her superhero partner. Marinette was baffled as to why he was confessing to her so out of the blue.

Then it came to her.

“You!” Marinette panicked, ripping her hand from his as she skirted her balcony. “You figured out- You discovered I'm-”

“In love with me too?” Chat Noir interrupted as he followed her around the small space.

“Wait. I'm-”

“I'm sorry, Marinette.” Tikki chirped from her hiding space. “I cast the love spell on him instead of Adrien by mistake.”

“He doesn't know about Ladybug?” Marinette didn't worry about whether or not Chat Noir would hear her. Her balcony was empty anyway.

“No. No, he gave up on his love for Ladybug in favor of you. That's part of the spell.”

“Oh.” Marinette wasn't sure how she'd handle Chat Noir's affections towards her civilian self, but at least being Ladybug would be easier.

~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~

“So what's the plan, L.B.?”

Ladybug was hiding with Chat Noir inside an alley. A red water bottle with black spots was cradled in her hands. She looked around the alley. Nothing. She poked her head out of their hiding spot slightly, scanned, and noticed an abandoned car with the driver's side door open. The nearby light post also looked promising, as did a small patch of sidewalk lining the Seine that had chips and some deterioration already in it.

“Almost got it. I just need to-” She continued scanning. There were a lot of potential pieces to the puzzle, but they didn't quite fit together yet.

“No problem.” Chat Noir took his stick off the small of his back, extended it, and whipped it around himself as he prepared to use it as a weapon. “I'll keep the akuma occupied. How much more time do you need?”

“Um...” She should have had the solution already. She just couldn't get it all to connect. She was distracted. “Spare me as much time as you can. I'll let you know once I've got it.”

“Works for me. Catch ya in a little bit, Ladybug.” No wink. No pun. No pet name. He just did a leaping forward roll out of the alleyway, swinging his stick like a bo staff around him to make sure the coast was clear. He then ran to his right.

He hadn't called her a pet name or otherwise flirted with her the whole attack. Chat Noir was still a little playful and liked showing off his skills, but it wasn't the same level as how he normally acted. He was mostly focused on the akuma. It was weird.

“Pound it.”

Ladybug held her fist out for Chat Noir. The water bottle wasn't in her hand anymore. A woman whose face Ladybug couldn't make out was kneeling in the middle of the street. The magical ladybugs had already returned the street lamp, car, and sidewalk to the way they were before.

“Until next time, Ladybug.” Chat Noir was more attentive of their Miraculouses beeping, and didn't bother trying to stick around despite the time-crunch, unlike how he normally would. He didn't call her 'M'lady' or bow or try to kiss her hand. He simply gave her a quick two-finger salute, then turned to leave.

“Wait!” It was weird. Having him not flirt with her was nice, but also felt very wrong.

“Something wrong, L.B.?”

Yes. Something was terribly wrong.

“You, uh, you didn't flirt or call me M'lady or Bugaboo or anything.”

“You don't like those things.” His eyes narrowed, and an eyebrow quirked up.

“True. I was- I guess I just wondered- You're okay, right?”

“More than okay.” He grabbed her hands, and everything felt normal finally. “Ladybug, I'm in love.”

“I know you are, but-”

“Marinette is just the most amazing girl, isn't she? Thank you for introducing us!”

“Wait, what?” So the spell truly did wipe Chat Noir's love for Ladybug and replaced it with undying devotion for Marinette instead.

“Don't worry, Ladybug. I'll be careful with my identity.” His ring beeped. “Whoops. Gotta go! Take care.” He again saluted her and dashed off.

~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~

“I fixed it.” Tikki phased through the window and landed on Marinette's lap.

“You what?”

“Adrien. I-”

There was a tap on the skylight, increasing in intensity and pace the longer Marinette ignored it. She glared at Tikki, who cringed as she shrugged.

“What is it, Chat Noir?” She was on her balcony, and he was again kneeling before her. His left hand on his heart, and a small bouquet of flowers in his right.

“For you, my fair princess in the high tower.” Chat Noir plucked one of the flowers out of the bouquet, and tucked it in her hair behind her ear. “Want me to make you a crown with the rest?” He winked. She hadn't realized how much she missed his winks.

“This is very sweet of you, Kitty-cat, but I'm sorry. I can't accept these.” She gently pushed the flowers away as she took a step back. “I- You see, I-”

Chat Noir's whole body slumped, and he studied his bouquet as if he could figure out why they were wrong. He had been so happy a couple of seconds ago, and now he was this poor, wounded thing. Marinette knew she should just tell him she loved someone else, but she couldn't find the heart to break him further.

“I can't date you because you're a superhero,” she blurted out. “I, uh, I appreciate the gift, and it means a lot to me that you care so much, but it wouldn't feel right. Ya know, without us being able to actually date or anything.”

“Who says we can't date?”

“Wait, what?” She thought she already had this discussion with Chat Noir as Ladybug. “I mean, it's obvious, isn't it? We can't very well hang out in public together. What if Hawkmoth finds out? I- I could be used against you somehow.”

“Do you need us to be out in public for our hang-outs to be dates? I can still spend time with you, can't I? And I can still show you Paris without anyone else seeing us.”

Marinette folded her arms and raised her eyebrows at him.

Without a word, Chat Noir smirked, and scooped her up in a bridal carry. He then pivoted, and placed her back on her feet, his hands protectively remained on her waist.

They were on the roof of the Notre Dame, watching the Seine drift around the sides, and the lights sparkle in the waters.

“What do you think of the view?” Chat Noir leaned close to Marinette's ear, sending a small chill across her neck.

“It's gorgeous.” As Marinette watched a small ferry float down the river, she leaned against the golden angel statue on the roof of the Palais Garnier. The impressive vocals of the opera performance permeated the glass dome.

“Amazing,” Marinette sighed.

“See?” Chat Noir playfully purred. “I'm even the sophisticated sort. Bet you weren't expecting that.”

Marinette giggled, and turned to look at Chat Noir. The glittering of Paris spread out before them from atop the Eiffel Tower. She walked around the observation deck outside of Gustave Eiffel’s office. It was certainly lovelier without a horde of kiss-obsessed “zombies” coming after them.

As if summoned, Chat Noir stood firm against the kissing zombies. His stick fully extended across the width of the balcony to hold back the dazed reach of the brainwashed citizens pouring out of the elevator. Chat Noir's cheek had lipstick marks, but he hadn't fallen under the spell yet.

“Chat Noir?” Marinette ran up to him, and cupped his cheek with a gloved hand; red with black spots.

“Don't worry. Everything will be fine.” He smiled at her, and the horde disappeared behind him. The lipstick marks remained, but he now stood tall before her, with soft, heavy-lidded eyes.

“You trust me that much?”

“More than you know.” He took her bare hands in his own.

“Probably.” She squeezed his hands, and waited to feel him squeeze back. “You're also a lot sweeter than I give you credit for. You're one of my best friends, Chat Noir, but- but I think you're more than that. I love Alya and Nino and all, and I trusted them with Miraculouses-” Marinette didn't care about identities anymore. This needed to be said, and nothing was going to hold her back. “-but I don't have the same bond with them as I do with you. I'm completely lost without my kitty. Even when I do have to fight alone, it's usually with the resolve to do whatever it takes to bring you back to me.”

She stepped towards him, and he to her. They pressed their foreheads together, each closing their eyes to fully experience the touch. The gentle rumble of the Seine beneath their feet accompanied the soft rattling of the Lover's Locks along the wired fencing of the Pont des Arts.

“So let me stay with you.” Chat Noir whispered. His voice was pleading, but with a strange bravado to it that nearly caused Marinette to whimper with yearning. “I just proved I can take us on dates without anyone else knowing. We have other ways of announcing our love to the world.”

They pulled away from each other, and Chat Noir held out an open padlock on his palm. 'CN + MD-C' were carved along the side. Her hand shaking, Marinette grabbed the keys to the padlock, and hurled them into the Seine. She turned back to Chat Noir, but the initials on the lock now read 'AA + MD-C'. His gloved hand was bare. Marinette hovered her hand over the lock, wanting so desperately to attach it to the fence.

Instead, she quickly closed Chat Noir's re-gloved fingers around the lock, and gently pushed his hand away. The sound of rushing water was replaced by gentle traffic. The Notre Dame was behind Chat Noir. They were back on Marinette's balcony.

“I'm sorry, Kitty. I can't. It's- it's not just about the dating. I should have just told you before, but- but I love someone else.” She screwed her eyes tightly shut. She couldn't bear to watch him get hurt again because of her.

“You- but-” His gasps choking down tears forced Marinette's eyes open. Chat Noir's cat ears folded low against his head, and his belt tail hung limp behind him. “But, everything you just said.”

“I know. If- if I didn't- If I hadn't already-”

Chat Noir's shoulders curled forward, and he wouldn't hold eye contact with her. “I wish you would consider me, just once.”

She reached out to cradle his face, and he leaned his cheek into the touch. As she raised his head, his mask and cat ears disappeared, and his bangs swept out of his face. Adrien looked at her with hurt, piercing eyes. Begging her to love him. She jumped, and dropped her hand from Adrien's face. His head lowered again; once more Chat Noir.

“Who?” he choked out, “Please at least tell me who it is you love.”

“It's not important-”

“It is to me. Please.”

Baby-doll eyes. Who taught him that she was weak to baby-doll eyes?

“Adrien Agreste,” she breathed. “But before you say anything, it's not because he's a model or rich or the son of my favorite fashion designer! It's because he's sweet, and funny, and cares for his friends.”

Chat Noir's cat ears shot up, and his belt tail prickled behind him. “But I- I saw him with Kagami. He loves her, not you! I'm the one who loves you!”

“That doesn't matter, Chat Noir.” Marinette's voice had a bite to it. “Of course all I want is for Adrien to love me, but whether or not he loves me back doesn't stop me from loving him.”

“Marinette?” A sweet voice called up from the street below.

“Oh, no.” Tikki muttered, and hid further inside Marinette's purse.

Marinette leaned over her balcony railing. Standing a few meters below, Adrien's face brightened upon seeing her.

“Marinette! Love of my life! Girl of my dreams!”

“I- uh- what?” Marinette held herself upright against the railing.

“May I come up, my love?” Adrien gestured towards the railing. When Marinette numbly nodded, he easily vaulted up and over the railing, landing beside her on the balcony.

“Hey!” Chat Noir snarled behind Marinette, reminding her that he was still around. “What are you doing here, blondie?”

“Why, confessing my undying love for Marinette, of course. What about you, you stray cat?” Adrien spat back at the superhero.

“Um...” Marinette tried to interject, still trying to process Adrien calling her the love of his life.

“I confessed my love for her already! You have Kagami, so give up on Marinette.”

“Uh, Chat Noir-” Marinette attempted to intervene again.

“And what about your love for Ladybug?” Adrien demanded. “We both know that Marinette truly loves me, so you stick with your partner and leave Marinette for me.”

“Actually-” Marinette ventured.

“I have no love for Ladybug! Who could be more perfect than Marinette? You need to stop pulling her along, Agreste, so that she can move on to a real man!” Chat Noir stepped closer to Adrien, who didn't flinch.

“Chat Noir, that's uncalled for-” Marinette pulled a little on Chat Noir's arm to try to separate the boys.

“I'm not pulling her along! You are, with this claim that you gave up on Ladybug.” Adrien moved closer to Chat Noir, unintentionally pinning Marinette between them. “Why are you teasing her like this? I thought you were better than that!”

“Adrien!” Marinette chided. “He's not doing anything like th-”

“I thought you were better than this! Keeping her hanging on so you can feel better about yourself, knowing that at least Marinette is pining over you.”

“Seriously?” Marinette demanded as she pushed back against both boys. “Are you two insane?”

“Prove to me how much you truly love her.” Chat Noir jumped away from Marinette, took his stick off his lower back, extended it, and twirled it impressively around his hand before taking a fighting stance. “Fight me for her!”

“Excuse me?” Marinette glared at Chat Noir. “What on earth are you thinking? First of all, no one is fighting over me! How archaic! Secondly, you're a superhero, and he's a civilian. What if you hurt him?”

“I accept.” Adrien stood in full fencing gear behind Marinette, his saber in hand, already prepared to lunge.

“You what?” Marinette screeched. “No! Nope! Nuh-uh! Not. Happening. You two need to stop this. Right now!”

“I am so, so sorry, Marinette.” Tikki's soft voice leaked from inside Marinette's purse. “I never meant for this to happen.”

“Yeah, well, now what am I gonna do, Tikki?”

The two boys charged each other, batting away the other's weapon with their own. Sparks flew off the metal clashing. Adrien kept firm footing, pushing Chat Noir back easily. The superhero went more unconventionally with his attack as he leapt onto the balcony railing, then flipped over Adrien's head, and landed behind him. Adrien was too quick, though, and easily countered Chat Noir's attack.

“Stop it!” Marinette screamed at them. “You two are acting ridiculous! Stop this right now!” She whipped her Ladybug yo-yo at each of them, knocking Chat Noir's stick, and then Adrien's saber, out of their hands and over the balcony railing. She then lassoed them together.

“Marinette?” The two asked slightly off sync of each other. It had an odd echo effect to it.

“Enough! I don't want any of this. I would never want someone to literally fight for me. You both should know me better than that! My emotions are mine and I will love whom I love regardless of some idiotic battle.” She released them from her yo-yo's string; the weapon vanishing as soon as she caught it.

“Then which one of us do you love?” Adrien stepped away from Chat Noir, but kept his distance from Marinette.

“Yes. Is it truly him?” Chat Noir stood tall beside his rival, gesturing towards Adrien. “Is there no way you could love me instead?”

“I-” Marinette stared at them both. “I love-” She couldn't say. She couldn't get out the name 'Adrien,' but she couldn't reject him either. “I want-” The world vanished, and it was just a white void with the three of them trapped inside it; standing on an invisible floor.

“What?” Chat Noir stepped closer. His voice was soft and gentle. Coaxing her to continue.

“What do you want, Marinette?” Adrien chimed in, his voice just as gently imploring.

“I just want this to be simple!” Marinette stomped, arms flailing. “Why can't I have both of you? Why can't you just be the same person?”

Both boys perked up, shock on their faces. They looked at each other, and held some silent conversation. In unison, they turned back towards Marinette.

“Your wish is our command,” they said with impeccable unison; their voices matching perfectly, as if only one. They faded together, blending into one person: Adrien with is swooped to the side bangs, but wearing Chat Noir's costume, just as he had for the Clara Nightingale music video try-out. He also had Chat Noir's cheeky grin, but awkwardly rubbed his neck exactly like Adrien did whenever he was unsure or nervous about something.

“Do you think I'm purr-fect just like this, Princess?” Adrien-Noir asked.

“Yes.” Marinette took his hands, and wrapped them around her waist. She then draped her own arms around his neck. “I wouldn't want any other but you.”

“That's all I need to hear.” He leaned down towards her, pulling her closer against him.

Marinette rolled slowly onto her toes, her lips reaching for his. Her fingers snaked into his shaggy hair, and his claws delicately scratched her back. Their eyes closed as their breaths mixed. Their lips brushed. The softness of his skin sending tingles through Marinette. She moved closer to press his mouth firmly against hers-

BZZZZZT. BZZZZZT. BZZZZZT.

Marinette bolted up in bed, flailing around for her phone.

BZZZZZT. BZZZZZT. BZZZZZT. BZZZ-whoomp.

Flopping back in bed, Marinette held her cell phone to her chest. She probably should get up and get ready for school, but she could afford one snooze.

She tried to grab at every image of her dream that lingered just on the edge of her mind. She wanted to thread them all back together. She remembered just starting to kiss Adrien when her alarm went off, but he was also not-Adrien. There was something more. Chat Noir was in her dream too. She vaguely recalled the different places he took her to prove they could still go on dates. She couldn't remember if she was wearing her Ladybug costume at the time, though.

There was a familiarity as well. Chat Noir and Adrien were somehow connected. Marinette couldn't recall how or why anymore, but she knew there was something that pulled them together in her dream.

“Tikki?” Marinette addressed the cork board covered in pictures of Adrien, instead of her kwami directly.

“Hmm?” Tikki sleepily replied.

“Can you make Adrien fall in love with me?”

“No.” Tikki was blunt, but her voice stayed kind and comforting. “Love is something very special, Marinette. Us kwamis can't do anything against such a powerful force. We cannot make anyone fall in love, but we also cannot destroy it.”

“Good.” Marinette ran a hand across one of Adrien's pictures, then she brought up the Ladyblog on her phone. She quickly scrolled to a picture of Chat Noir, and zoomed in to his playful smile. “Something tells me love is complicated enough without you getting involved.”

@discoveringmiraculouswriters

[silverfootstepswrites]

Incandescent [1/3]

title Incandescent (1/3) summary First love doesn’t always mean true love. pairing itasaku (of course)

Part 2 | Part 3

"I'm calling off the engagement."

Sakura blinked once. Twice. She wondered if she had heard wrong. Her hand found the gold necklace hanging from her throat. Fingers gripping the delicate chain. Everything started to sound a little muffled. Like she was hearing a conversation with her ear pressed to the door. 

Her stomach lurched as she looked up and found Sasuke staring at her. Those cold eyes burning into her as he looked her up and down. 

"Karin is much more suited to be Queen," he added. And the words pierced the left side of her chest. With the precision of a butcher's knife. Twisting almost as hard as her hands as they clenched into her skirts.

As Sasuke spoke, he held his hand out. It took a moment. Even when she stepped out of the crowd to accept it, she cast a nervous glance Sakura's way. Because no matter how ambitious she was, Karin wasn't a stupid girl. Scheming would be a better word. She had captured the heart of the prince she had so coveted. But public humiliation of his previous fiancee hadn't been in her plans. One look into her eyes made that obvious. The girl couldn't even hold her gaze for more than a second before averting her eyes.

Sakura looked down at the stain on her dress. Burgundy against the pale green fabric. Darkening the ruffles and the painstaking needlework. She could hear the mounting murmurs of the gathering crowd. The whispers leaking out like a hissing pit of snakes.

She swallowed. Very slowly, deliberately, she pushed her hair out of her eyes with her left hand. Then she stared at Sasuke from under her eyelashes.

"You could have handled this sort of thing in private, Your Highness," she finally replied. His eyes narrowed.

"Are you the sort of woman who would have responded to that?" he challenged. The disgust in his gaze pricked her again. Sakura wondered what sort of lies Karin had poured into his ears for him to look at her that way.

Not that it mattered.

Sakura tucked her hair behind her ear. And then, in one swift motion, she grabbed her necklace and pulled. The thin link snapped. 

"Well, I suppose you'll need this back then," Sakura said. He held his hand out to accept it. And as the golden chain pooled in his palm, Sakura added, "Although, I have to say that this is cruel treatment for someone who loved you so honestly, Prince Sasuke."

As his face twisted again, Sakura gave him a mild smile. She curtseyed. 

"Your Highness." And then she inclined her head in Karin's direction. "And Lady Karin.  I'll take my leave."

The crowd parted as Sakura turned around. All eyes on her as she strode down the tile. Out of the hall. The gasps and comments trailing after her, perhaps like her wedding veil would have one day as she stepped down the aisle. Her face glowing with happiness before she uttered those two words she had always looked forward to saying.

It didn’t take long for the rumors to spread throughout the whole school. By then, Sakura already sat in the carriage on the way to her family’s manor in the capital.

Ino had helped smuggle her into the thing. Because despite proudly striding out on her own two feet, Sakura had only managed to hold in the tears until she made it to Ino’s room. And she had burst into tears as she threw herself into her best friend’s arms.

“I told you to be careful. I knew that girl would be a thieving little weasel the moment I saw her!” Ino alternated between patting Sakura’s back and seething at the injustice of it all. 

“They’re lucky I wasn’t there. Prince or not, I would have-” Ino nearly snapped her fan in half as she demonstrated what would have happened. Sakura gave a half-hearted nod in response.

“Do you feel a little better now?” Ino queried.

Sakura nodded again. 

“What are you going to do?”

Sakura felt for her necklace out of habit. Remembered where it was now. She clenched her hand into a fist instead. 

“See my parents, I suppose,” she sighed. Ino sat up a little straighter.

“That’s right. Maybe your parents can do something. Convince His Majesty to speak to Prince Sasuke.” Ino’s mind ran a mile a minute. She flapped her fan back and forth as she spoke. And that was the right response. Because ever since they were little girls, Sakura had dreamt about marrying the prince. They had wept with joy together when he had proposed. Squealed with delight at every present, every little gesture. 

But something had twisted inside of Sakura. Standing alone with not a single one of her ‘supporters’ speaking up for her. The disdain coloring Sasuke’s eyes. And the way his hand curled around Karin’s the way they never had with hers.

“No, Ino,” Sakura said, her eyes fixed straight ahead. “This was a political marriage, to begin with. So the consequences will be political as well.”

Ino’s fan stilled. “....Oh boy,” was all she could say.

So now Sakura sat in Ino’s carriage, which her friend had graciously lent to her. Her attendants assured her that they would handle packing her luggage and explaining her departure to the headmaster and her professors. The thunder of hooves against the stone marking a steady rhythm as they traveled.

The path from the academy to the capital was smooth thanks to the well-paved roads. Her father had played a large role in organizing and funding that particular project. It had greatly increased trade and decreased the amount of time it took to travel in the north. 

The Haruno family’s lands lay to the south of the capital. She had always enjoyed the cooler weather up here. But as she stared glumly out the window, she couldn’t help but miss the vast fields of sunflowers that carpeted her family’s lands. 

The Haruno family’s mansion in the capital was tiny compared to their manor in the countryside. The gates swung open as the carriage approached. The steward and some of the servants already waited outside to greet her.

As the footman opened up the door, Sakura stepped out of the carriage.

“Welcome home, Lady Sakura,” the servants greeted her, bowing deeply. 

“My father?”

“In his study, My Lady,” the steward replied, falling into step beside her.

“The carriage is from Lady Ino. Please see that the horses are tended to,” Sakura directed.

“Very good, My Lady,” he replied. And with a bow, he stepped away to carry out her orders. 

Sakura strode down the hall, her hands folded in front of her. Upstairs, at the end of the west wing, she stopped in front of a set of double doors. She hesitated. Took a deep breath. Straightened the ribbon on her collar. And only then did she knock.

“Yes?”

“Papa,” Sakura greeted as she stepped inside.

“Have a seat, my dear,” he replied.

Kizashi sat at his desk, a heavy book open in front of him. He lowered his spectacles as he watched her enter. Nodded his approval when she closed the door softly behind her before she sat in the armchair. 

“Whatever could it be that you left in the middle of your classes? You’ve never missed a day of school,” he wondered.

Sakura looked him right in the eyes as she told him: “I think Mama should be here too.”

He didn’t press her. Simply sent a servant to find his wife. Mebuki entered a few minutes later, taking a seat beside her daughter.

“Papa, Mama, Prince Sasuke canceled the engagement,” Sakura told her hands clasped in her lap. She heard her mother gasp. When she looked up, her father was pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

“For that girl?” Kizashi asked. “The niece of Baron Uzumaki?”

Sakura nodded. 

“I’d heard rumors, but I never thought...” Mebuki trailed off with a sigh. She reached over to take Sakura’s hand. Sakura could feel the corners of her eyes sting again.

“He announced it in front of everyone and said that she would make a better consort,” Sakura recounted. Mebuki drew in a sharp breath. Her hand squeezing a little.

“It’s so humiliating. I’m so upset, Mama,” Sakura whispered. Clutching her mother’s hand tighter as she bowed her head. She burst into tears all over again, her shoulders shaking. Crying even harder when she felt her mother stroke her back. 

“There there, Sakura. I’m having tea with Her Majesty the Queen tomorrow. I can speak to her about it then. I’m sure it’s just a momentary lapse of judgment,” Mebuki assured her. 

“No!” Sakura exclaimed, her chin jerking up. And she looked right at her father. “This is a grave insult to our family.”

“Indeed. To one-sidedly break off the engagement, as well as publicly humiliating my daughter. I wonder if that young prince has lost his mind,” Kizashi murmured, stroking his chin. And then he stared at Sakura as he asked, “What do you want to so, Sakura?”

“Reduce trade with the capital,” Sakura demanded.

“And what will the people do? Starve?” Kizashi challenged. 

Not angrily, though. They had been doing this since she was little. He would always push her to think outside of her scenarios. To know what tools were available to use. To anticipate the consequences of the actions she took.

“Can we pull back our forces then? Send them home?” Sakura tried again. This time, her father’s eyebrow rose. He motioned for her to continue speaking. 

“What will be our excuse to the crown?” he prompted.

“Training exercises. And that there have been animal attacks in our territories and we need to defend our citizens,” Sakura answered. 

“Not very convincing reasons, but they don’t need to be,” Kizashi decided. He nodded. “Very well.”

“What about your obligations, darling?” Mebuki then asked.

Sakura had to think about that. The social aspect of things was always more difficult to navigate. Not because she didn’t know the rules. It was actually because she knew the rules so well. One misstep could have disastrous results. 

“I won’t attend any events for the remainder of the season,” Sakura declared. Kizashi sighed while Mebuki failed to hide her smile.

“That will cause quite a scandal. What are your intentions, my sweet?” questioned Mebuki. 

Sakura rubbed the rest of her tears away. 

The only family whose power and influenced rivaled that of a duke’s was the royal family itself. For eight generations, the Haruno family had served the Uchiha family. Suppressing rebellion and supplying the kingdom with food harvested from its fertile lands. A well-fed duchy raised strong soldiers too. 

Though the Haruno family made a big show of serving as the Crown’s right hand for many years, they had always known. That should the day come. 

Should the opportunity arise, mayhem was at their fingertips.

“I want the Crown to regret this insult against me. And when they beg for me to return, I’ll say ‘no’.”

“What a wicked answer. What do you think, my love?” Mebuki then asked, turning to her husband. 

“I don’t see why we can’t indulge such a simple whim. After all, this is a slight against House Haruno,” Kizashi chuckled as he placed his spectacles on the bridge of his nose again.

“She withdrew?” Temari repeated.

“Her room is empty. You can go check if you’d like,” Ino responded. 

Gaara shook his head. “No, I believe you. It’s just...” He glanced over at his older sister, who looked just as perplexed.

“We leave for the countryside for just a month and return to chaos,” he concluded.

“Oh. I didn’t even think to ask. Is your father alright?” Ino inquired.

“He’s alive. Just kicking up a fuss over a simple cold. We wanted to leave sooner, but our mother wanted to spend some time with us,” Gaara sighed. 

“I still can’t believe someone would dare to do that. And to Lady Sakura, no less,” he then suddenly remarked, reminding everyone of where the conversation had started. “I hope she’s alright.”

“Next weekend. Marquise Hyuuga is holding a garden party. I’m sure we’ll see her there. We’ll let you know how she is,” Ino pointed out.

“You’re right.”

But the following weekend, whispers filled the Hyuuga family’s garden. And it was all of a singular subject: Neither Lady Sakura nor her esteemed mother, Duchess Haruno, were in attendance at the party. No apologies. No message sent to Marquise Hyuuga. 

Ino watched the older woman fume from afar, idly fanning herself. Beside her, Temari took a long sip of tea. She set the cup down with a grimace.

“This is the biggest event the Marquise will throw this season. She’s livid,” Ino observed.

“Frothing at the mouth,” Temari agreed.

Ino’s father was a marquis and Temari’s brother was an earl. They were both nobles of good standing. Their attendance at Marquise Hyuuga’s party was certainly appreciated. But they were small fry compared to the grave insult of being snubbed by the Duchess.

“Although, if I remember correctly, neither Lord Neji nor Lady Hinata came to Lady Sakura’s aid during that incident,” Temari then observed. Ino considered this. 

“Ah. That.... that makes sense, then,” she answered after some thought. 

It went on. The dinner party at Earl Inuzuka’s home was thrown into similar disarray when the Duchess failed to show. Marquise Nara’s tea party also suffered the shame of an empty spot at the table.

Ino recounted all these things in the letter she sent to Sakura’s mansion in the capital. She received a reply right away- cordial and maybe a little smug. Sakura stated that she was feeling unwell and “very much appreciated” her concern.

Towards the end of the season, Sakura considered heading to her family’s manor. Skipping the ball that the Queen threw at the palace. The one where nobles were known to fall ill from the shock over not receiving an invitation. Sakura glanced at the envelope and tossed it on the table between them. Her mother sighed.

“It will be considered a grave insult to the Crown. You should go. There has to be a limit to your willfulness,” her mother advised. 

“Would I start a war if I choose not to go?” Sakura wondered, tilting her head to the side as she thought.

“....It’s a possibility,” her mother replied.

It was Sakura’s turn to sigh. “What color should I wear?” she asked.

When they announced the Haruno family’s arrival at the ball, heads swiveled even more quickly than usual. First, as was proper, came Sakura’s parents, looking as polished and perfect as they always did in public. And then, a few moments later, Sakura stepped into the ballroom, her hand resting on the arm of someone who raised eyebrows and whispers.

“Couldn’t you have asked someone else to do this?” Sai grumbled as he felt the stares following him.

“No. Besides, you’re one of Papa’s knights. It’s not inappropriate for you to escort me,” Sakura whispered back, keeping her demure smile in place. Not quite meeting people’s eyes but not avoiding them either. 

“I would rather be training,” he griped.

“Well, if the ball goes poorly, who knows. Maybe you’ll get a chance to stab something,” she replied. 

Sai’s gaze flew to her. “Are you in danger, Lady Sakura?” he demanded. Eyes narrowing, he looked back out at the sea of people. This time, his stare was filled with suspicion rather than boredom. Sakura squeezed his forearm a little.

“Relax. I was joking.”

Sai shot her a look of exasperation. “You’re not funny.”

Before their banter could continue, they stood before the King and Queen. They bowed deeply in front of them. When Sakura raised her head, she cast a sideways glance at their parents. Who seemed relaxed. Which meant that she could as well.

“My dear Duke, we’re always glad to see you,” the King greeted Kizashi first, who dipped his head. 

“And Duchess Haruno. Your presence brightens the room as always,” the Queen then said. Mebuki also bowed again before she replied something light-hearted and charming. Which Sakura scarcely heard because she could feel the pressure of the Queen’s eyes on her. The pressure of the woman’s gaze alone was incredible. Still, Sakura kept her head held high.

“We’re so pleased that you could attend, Lady Sakura. I was so concerned when I heard that you might not make an appearance tonight. It appears that you have been absent from many events, this season. We hope that all is well,” the Queen greeted her.

Sakura knew what was happening. Since the Queen couldn’t easily chastise her mother for skipping out on events, she was taking it out on her daughter instead. Who she assumed would be an easier target. In front of the eyes of the entire court. Her mother had warned her that this might happen.

Sakura curtseyed. “Thank you for your concern, Your Grace. I apologize for my absence. I simply needed time to recover from the great injury that was struck against me.”

When she stared the Queen in the eyes, she knew that the woman had understood her implicit accusation.

‘Because of your son.’

A ripple of murmurs rose and fell among the other attendees. 

And this, Sakura knew, would put the Queen in an uncomfortable position. Would she take her son’s side and risk insulting the second most powerful family in the country? Or would she announce public disapproval of her own child to appease the Duke and his family? 

“Ah... that... unpleasant... affair. Yes,” the Queen finally said. She cleared her throat. “Well... it appears that you have since recovered. We are glad.”

Sakura stole a glance at her mother. Whose expression had turned stony. And Sakura could see the Queen looking at her too. It was clear.

That had been the wrong answer.

“Well, please enjoy yourselves,” the Queen hastily dismissed them. 

Sakura could see Prince Sasuke and his entourage across the ballroom. She glimpsed a flash of red, too, which meant that Karin was with him. All he cast her way was a cold glance. Without even the decency to greet her. Which suited her just fine. She wouldn’t have wanted to smile and curtsy in front of him and his new fiancee anyway. 

They didn’t stay long at the party. Sakura had time to catch up with Ino and Temari, who blurted out everything that she had missed in the last couple of months. She danced with both Temari’s brothers, who she had known for forever. She and Kankuro commiserated over their lack of luck with the opposite sex. Gaara commented on Countess Inuzuka’s heinous hat, which made her laugh. Sakura barely managed to find time to squeeze in a dance with Sir Sai before her mother announced that it was time to go home.

According to Ino, the Haruno family’s early departure was the topic of gossip for weeks afterward. Not that any of that mattered by the time Sakura arrived at the Haruno manor. Just as she wondered where to go first, she spotted a servant boy running up to her as fast as he could in his starched jacket and pants.

“My Lady! My Lady, a message!” he huffed.

“Is it from Mother? There’s no need to run,” she laughed as she reached out the carriage window to accept the envelope.

But something felt off about the paper. The crispness felt all wrong. And when she turned it over, the wax seal was deep purple rather than the red that people usually used. She fumbled to rip the flap open. The handwriting inside was beautiful, as precise as if each letter had been stamped to form the lines. 

The servant dove to catch the paper when it dropped from her hand. Sakura slumped against the carriage door, her eyes wide.

“My Lady, are you alright?”

Sakura ran her shaking hand through her hair. “Um... well... We’re having a visitor, it looks like,” she then managed to say.

[artificialqueens]

We're still in this together (And I'm still not giving up) (branjie) - writworm42

A/N: For Athena <3 <3 <3 Brooke is diagnosed with early-onset Parkinson’s, and Vanessa tries to keep her grounded as both their worlds turn upside-down.

PLEASE take care of yourselves reading this. This fic involves being diagnosed with a major degenerative neurological disorder and the emotional fall-out that results in the 24 hours post-diagnosis. If you are upset by that sort of thing, don’t read it, don’t feel like you have to keep reading it if you started, feel free not to leave kudos or comments. I am somewhat familiar w Parkinson’s through work, but I don’t have it and can’t speak to the experience of actually having it. I have experienced the feeling of having a diagnosis completely change your sense of self, and channeled that in writing this. However, the process people go through is different, and the feelings people go through are totally different in that situation. I’m sure it has been for many of you reading this. And I hope I did y'all justice, too.

Thank you 3000 to Holtz for beta-ing even though this fic was a tough read for you. Title from Still Not Giving Up from Steven Universe.

“I hate this.” Brooke sniffles, wiping the tears from her face, and Vanessa feels her heart break. She wishes she could take the pain away from Brooke, wishes she could take it on for herself, please, God, give it to me instead, hurt me instead. But her prayers go unanswered, and Brooke takes another sip of her coffee while Vanessa watches and crumples inside further.

Thirty minutes ago, Brooke and Vanessa had been sitting in Brooke’s neurologist’s office, waiting for news of what was happening to her. Why all of a sudden she can’t walk normally, her movements shaky, her voice quiet. Why she doesn’t have the same stamina as she used to, and why something felt totally, completely wrong.

Early-onset Parkinson’s. The neurologist’s voice had been soft and gentle, soaked in pity, like she was handing down a death sentence. And to a professional dancer like Brooke, she might as well have been—Vanessa knows that, knew it even before Brooke had opened her mouth to protest, to insist that there must have been some mistake.

But there hadn’t been, and Brooke’s diagnosis still stands, sits at the table of the hospital Second Cup with them.

On March 10th, 2020, on the morning of her 34th birthday, Brooke has been diagnosed with early-onset Parkinson’s Disease. And no amount of coffee or blueberry scones, placation or reassurances, can take those four words away.

But if they help at all, even just a little, then they’re all worth offering.

“Should we cancel tonight?” Vanessa suggests softly, and apparently, it’s the wrong thing to say—Brooke bursts into tears again, sobs breathy and ragged.

“I don’t know.” she shakes her head, “Like… I don’t know. I don’t want to just throw my life on the wayside because of this, it’s not like I’m dying, but like…”

“It’s okay to need time, boo.” Vanessa reaches across the table, grabs and squeezes Brooke’s hand one, two, three times and sighing inwardly with relief when Brooke smiles. It was Brooke who had came up with their secret signal - one squeeze for every word that they wanted to say. I love you. It had stuck immediately, and even now it never fails to make Brooke relax. Vanessa loves it, too–even when Brooke is saying it out loud, there was something about having her hand squeezed in rhythm to the words that made them more tangible, more comforting, even more wonderful to hear and feel. Makes them settle into her chest as her hand buzzes with the euphoria of her wife’s lingering touch. And if there’s anything Brooke needs right now, it’s that feeling, that reminder that Vanessa is there for her.

“Yeah.” Brooke sighs, squeezing Vanessa back, their secret code understood like a promise between them.

“We’ll order Korean barbeque and rent some cheesy movies, it’ll be great.” Vanessa offers, and even though Brooke’s nod is fairly hollow, at least it’s a nod.

–

Brooke knows it’s impossible for Vanessa to make her feel better right now, but it means a lot that she’s trying anyway. The kitchen is littered with styrofoam takeout containers, wood chopsticks and the cold, half-eaten remains of spareribs scattered on the table. In the living room, some rom-com with a mole-rat looking leading man and a smoking-hot yet baby-faced protagonist plays, long forgotten amidst a trail of clothes that lead to the bedroom.

It’s weird, being naked right now. Being exposed, moving in a body that’s exactly the same as it had been yesterday and yet now feels so, so different.

“You have beautiful hands, baby.” Vanessa interlaces her fingers with Brooke’s, and Brooke realizes she’s been staring at her hands, trying to decide if they’re real. If the way they move is any different. If they’re different. But they still grab Vanessa back, still squeeze one, two, three times and feel it warm and firm when Vanessa squeezes one, two, three times back.

Vanessa lets go, pulls her closer, kisses her on her collarbone when Brooke winces a little. She’s not in pain—not really. Her old body isn’t. But her new body—her same body, now seeming so different—is uncertain of what it wants, how it should react.

“You ain’t got any bruises.” Vanessa chuckles, traces the along the dips of Brooke’s chest she was biting and sucking minutes ago, and Brooke relaxes, because it’s like Vanessa’s read her mind. Like she’d known Brooke had been trying to decide if she should be careful, if her body was fragile or not. “That’s my tough-skinned baby girl.”

“For how long, though?” Brooke frets, but Vanessa presses a finger to her lips, only to replace the digit with her own mouth, kissing their code on her one, two, three times.

I love you.

“Considering the brochures ain’t mention nothin’ about easy bruising, longer than you think, I’m sure.” Vanessa burrows her face into Brooke’s neck, sighs deeply the way she always does, and it’s nice. Makes Brooke feel in control, almost normal, even.

“Things are gonna change, Ness.” she sighs, and Vanessa squeezes tighter, breathes in deeper, slower, encouraging Brooke’s mind and heart to slow down as she matches Vanessa’s pace.

“I know.” Vanessa whispers, and once again, it’s the right thing to say—because it’s the truth, the same way Vanessa always tells it.

“I’m not gonna be the same.”

“Yes you will.” Vanessa’s voice is resolute, her touch becoming firmer.

“Ness—“

“You know why I married you?” Vanessa looks Brooke in the eyes, and her gaze is soft, affectionate, yet insistent, as if her mind’s made up and there’s no changing it.

“Why?” Brooke breathes, the answer obvious and yet now insecure.

“Because you, miss Brooke Lynn Mateo-Hytes, are amazing. You’re smart, and clever, and brave. You ain’t never give up or back down from a challenge. You got grit, and you can be stubborn, but you also loyal and caring. Always thinking of others. Of me. Never thinking bad of me even when I act stupid as hell.

“I love you, Brooke. And yeah, some things are gonna change. But other things ain’t. And it’s those things that I love most about you.”

It takes Vanessa’s thumb swiping across her cheek for Brooke to realize she’s crying, but this time, she doesn’t hate it. Doesn’t think it’s a bad thing, doesn’t want to stop. Because Vanessa is holding her, squeezing her, kissing her, loving her, and even though things aren’t okay, in a way, they are.

Some things never change, and when Brooke finally stops crying, kisses Vanessa on the top of her head as if to thank her, she realizes that she’s holding her most important constant right in her arms.

And as long as she is breathing, neither of them would ever let go.

[bigbangenthusiast]

Hi there! I really enjoy your writing. There's a scene in my head that I would have liked to see on screen - so here's my prompt: Sheldon visiting George's grave after he became a dad (maybe taking his child/baby with him). Thank you!

Thank you so much for this prompt. While it's a sad topic, I hope I made it sweet as well.

Sheldon buckled his infant daughter into the backseat of the rental car. As he adjusted the belt over her car seat, her lower lip quivered.

"It's okay, little one. I know the plane ride was scary, and now we're in another strange vehicle, but I promise you it will all be worth the discomfort. Your Meemaw Mary and Aunt Missy are so excited to see you again, and your Uncle Georgie can't wait to meet you."

"Look at that sweet baby face," Amy murmured. "She's going to be one spoiled little girl with all that attention, or maybe subjecting her to the whole family at once will be over-stimulating."

The whole family. The words repeated themselves in his mind as Amy set her phone's GPS for their destination. Following the computerized voice directions, she turned left out of the rental car parking lot.

The whole family. "Amy, wait."

"What's wrong?"

"There's something I need to do before we go to my mother's."

"We're already running late. I don't want to hold up dinner, and Missy will want to get the boys to bed before Santa comes."

"They'll understand. We'll need to make a U-turn at the next intersection."

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

Amy pulled into a driveway and cancelled the route entered on her phone. "Do you have the address?"

"No, but I know exactly how to get there. I'll be your navigator."

Each turn took them further away from Mary Cooper's residence. When they reached a deserted gravel road, Amy frowned. "Sheldon, if we're lost, just tell me. The GPS can get us back to town.

"We're not lost. Keep going straight."

They passed fields he hadn't seen in over 20 years. The wooden nameplate on the Winslows' fence still greeted passersby, and the Jamison farm appeared to be stuck in 1994. It was both comforting and disconcerting that nothing had changed, unlike himself who was no longer an awkward teenager but a distinguished scientist and a married man with a child. After driving another 3 miles, Sheldon broke the silence. "Okay, now turn left at the farmhouse on the corner."

Amy obliged. He caught her peeking at him on occasion, the corners of her mouth turned down slightly and her brow wrinkled. He knew that look. She was worried. Telling her where they were going would be the proper thing to do, but saying it out loud would make it more of a reality. One he wasn't sure he was ready to face. Their destination was in view now. With shaky hands, he tugged at his seatbelt. The polyester strap was suddenly like a boa constrictor slowly suffocating him.

"Sheldon, what's wrong?"

He opened his mouth, but all that came out was a strangled squeak. It was foolish to think he could do this. They could still turn around, but after coming this far, if he didn't go through with it now, he never would.

Amy parked in front of a wrought iron gate at the end of the road. Sheldon's tugging intensified as his eyes surveyed their surroundings. The well-manicured lawn, pruned trees, and weeded flowerbeds provided no comfort. They only served as a reminder that their beauty was a cover-up for an otherwise melancholic landscape. With a gentle touch, she rested her hand on his knee. "Is this where you need to be?"

He forced himself to look up at the letters on the archway above the gate - Medford Cemetery. It was a place he had avoided for 27 years, ever since the day his father was laid to rest. Amy was quietly watching him. It was as if she knew he needed to gather his thoughts and work through his feelings. He tried to smile at her, but it felt like more of a grimace. "This is the place."

Sheldon blinked back tears. So much had happened, so many events missed over that period of time. He mourned all the times George Senior couldn't be there for his life's achievements - his wedding, his Nobel win, and now his daughter.

Twisting his head, he peered at her. The rear-facing car seat didn't offer him a view of her face, but he could see her tiny fists balled at her sides. He smiled sadly at the little pink bundle before turning to his wife. "This is harder than I thought, but I need to do this."

"Take all the time you need."

"Thank you." He closed his eyes and breathed deeply.

The digital clock on the dash alerted him that they were almost due at the dinner table. Earlier, he couldn't wait to devour his mother's cooking. Now the thought of food made his stomach flip. Still, they were expected to join the festivities, and he didn't want to keep them waiting too long.

Sheldon strapped Leah to his chest. The sling's specifications boasted accommodating a maximum weight of 25 pounds. At five months, she weighed in at a mere 15 pounds, but he wasn't taking any chances. With one hand, he supported her weight. His free hand sought out his wife's fingers. Together they crossed the threshold.

On autopilot, he led them past headstones of former residents of the town where he spent his high school years. Even with the new additions, he knew exactly where to go.

"We're here," he announced, gathering them near a towering bur oak tree. The tips of the branches hung over the grave but not so much that the sun couldn't illuminate the area. Mary Cooper chose the plot with the intent that visitors would be shaded from the warm Texas sun yet allow her husband to look down on them from the heavens.

Brushing a twig from the headstone, tears blurred his vision again. Seeing "George Cooper" etched in stone was like a punch to the gut. Years of convincing himself his father was a terrible man was his way of coping. Now that he was a father himself, it was even more evident his father wasn't the monster he made him out to be.

Leah squirmed in her sling. Restless after a long day of traveling, he needed to do this quick, but he also needed to do it right. "Leah, you're going to meet some family members today, but there's one who can't be there."

He swallowed hard, taking a moment to compose himself. "Your Grandpa George died when I was 14 years old, long before you were born. At the time, I never dreamed I'd be a father."

Amy squeezed his hand, giving him the courage to continue. "Now that I am, I realize how much he sacrificed for me and your aunt and uncle. And even though he didn't understand me, he loved me and was proud of my accomplishments."

The little girl reached her arms up, her tiny fingers smearing the tears rolling down his cheeks. Sheldon couldn't help but smile at his precious little girl. The smile faltered knowing she would never meet her grandfather.

"You're doing great."

He tightened his grip on his wife's hand. "I remember the night he took Missy on a father/daughter dinner date at the best restaurant in town. She insisted on dressing as a princess, and rather than having her change into 'normal' clothes, he indulged in her fantasy. Missy spoke fondly of that night for many years. I would have thought Dad would be embarrassed to be seen in public like that. If he was, he didn't let it show."

Leah squealed, her baby smile contagious.

"I think she's asking if you would do the same," Amy chuckled.

"I would prefer her to dress as a superhero, but if she insists on dressing as a princess, I couldn't say no." The smile slipped from his face. "

"What's wrong?"

Sheldon gazed down at the stone and bit his lip. "I was just thinking about the time Dad took me on a road trip to Cape Canaveral to see a space shuttle launch. It wasn't his idea of a good time, but he knew how much I wanted to go. A thunderstorm cancelled the event, so he distracted me by asking questions about lightning."

"The more I hear about your dad, the more I like him."

"I know he would have adored you and Leah."

Sheldon looked into his daughter's blue eyes - his eyes, his father's eyes. George Senior wasn't really gone; his genes lived on through his family. "I know you're too young to understand, but bringing you here was the only way you could meet your grandpa. When you're older, I'll tell you all about him."

Leah babbled. Before long, her baby talk would become coherent words. He'd been inpatient for her to progress to that point, but now he wanted to savor each moment.

The December sky was darkening. With his phone on airplane mode, Sheldon was certain his mother had tried contacting him multiple times and was starting to panic. Before turning away, he handed Amy their child. Crouching in the cool grass, he traced the letters carved into the stone.

"I think you would be proud of the life I've built for myself. I know I am." He heard Amy sniffle and fought the urge to do the same. "I'm sorry it's taken me so long to visit you, but I promise I'll be back. Merry Christmas, Dad."

[incomprehensiblelentils]

I did not get around to this yesterday but, a short selection of fictional things that meant a lot to me over the last decade! ...it is going under a cut bc it is Too Long sorry lmao.

Books

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng: this book came out in September 2017 and I have read it four times already. It’s the kind of book I want to write but I’m not sure I’m clever enough to: every event and every character is so purposeful and you won’t catch everything the first time through. Every time I reread it I find something new to marvel at. I hope the Hulu series is half as good

Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng: this was the first piece of fiction I ever found with a family with a Chinese father and a white mother. This family is a lot less functional than my family, but I've read this three times because that means the world to me. 

Ash by Malinda Lo: I discovered this in 2011 and it was the first f/f novel I ever read, and as I would later learn, one of a handful with a happy ending at the time, particularly in YA fiction. For a long time, I reread it every time I felt hopeless. I just reread it again last month and it is still as beautiful and meaningful to me as in 2011.

Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan: This is an Asian-inspired fantasy (becoming more common now, but still irritatingly rare) written by a queer Asian woman, with f/f. I think it is only the second one of these, after Ash? It is frustratingly rare, anyway. The worldbuilding is incredible also.

The Astonishing Color of After by Emily X.R. Pan: We are getting more stories about biracial Asians, but they are still pretty rare and I treasure every one. This one felt so real to me.

The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth: The first half of this book captures so beautifully what it’s like growing up queer in a religious environment when you don’t even have the words or self-awareness to know what you’re feeling. This was another one I read over and over again when I was feeling low.

The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater: this is just a book for horse girls. I don’t know how else to describe this lol. I also feel like the romance is super downplayed until the very end, and honestly barely feels like a romance to me, so that’s refreshing!

Movies:

Pacific Rim (2013): I remember having this weird feeling when asked to give my top 3 movies once in high school, like maybe my favorite movie hadn’t come out yet so I couldn’t answer properly. I was right; this is the movie I was waiting for. This is my favorite movie. The feelings this movie gives me is the standard I hold all movies to.

Terminator: Dark Fate (2019): but Megan, didn’t this just come out? Yes, and it’s my other favorite movie now. I love (almost) every second of this movie. This movie made me feel a way that I thought maybe I might never feel again, after a certain other franchise movie this year took a dump on my heart. I don’t care that we’re never getting a sequel, we got this and that’s enough for me.

Thor (2011): Those of you who have been around awhile know that I really love this movie. I loved it before we all jumped on the Thor train after Ragnarok and I will continue to love it probably my whole life. It just makes me happy.

Aquaman (2018): This is Thor but underwater and with a biracial hero. It made me cry in the theater and I do not want to hear any negative opinions about it, I find them personally wounding.

Belle (2013): The fact that Gugu Mbatha-Raw isn’t a superstar is tragic, and this movie is gorgeous and lovely and made me feel a lot of things as a biracial person.

Mad Max Fury Road (2015): I remember seeing the trailer for this in the theater and going “yikes that looks like a thing I would never watch.” Joke’s on you, past me!!!! I find this a deeply stressful but glorious film that I can only watch like, once or twice a year.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010): I do not need or want to hear about how this movie is Problematic, I know all of its issues, and yet. It brings me joy and it was one of the first movies I saw when I was just starting to break out of my religious upbringing and I laugh until I cry every time I watch it.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015): I am starting to realize that I am not and never really was a Star Wars Fan, which is to say that like...I love this movie specifically, I love the characters, I love the interactions, I love the stuff that happens. I do not so much love Star Wars as a whole? I like it fine! But this movie is the only part of the franchise to really make me go “oh, I get it.”

Professor Marston and the Wonder Women (2017): This was a weird little movie that nobody saw and nobody talked about, but I adore it because it’s so gentle and romantic. I don’t know how accurate it is to history and frankly I do not really care.

Big Hero 6 (2014): are you tired of me mentioning I’m biracial yet? This movie has biracial protagonists and a cute squishy robot and no romance and superhero stuff and I love it so much.

F8: The Fate of the Furious (2017): I went to go see this on a whim with my wife and it was one of the most joyous theater experiences of my life. I don’t know, I just love everything about it.

TV shows:

Community: This only kind of counts because it started in 2009 but I started it mid-s2 so eh. Seasons 1-3 of this show are written on my heart, I can quote a ridiculous amount of dialogue from them and these characters will stay with me forever. Warts and all, this is my show.

Dollhouse: Another technicality but like, I met my wife because we both loved Bennett Halverson so I gotta put this on here. It’s pretty significantly affected my life! Also I find that it holds up fairly well, if you’re down for the admittedly iffy premise and an ending that’s a bit of a mess narratively due to sudden cancellation.

Agents of SHIELD: I would never claim that this show is “good” but I do think that it has mostly figured out what the hell it’s doing. And it has been a pretty significant part of my fandom life for the last 6 years, so to leave it off this list would feel wrong. It gave me Daisy Johnson, first canon biracial superhero as played by a biracial actor, and for that i will always be grateful.

Warehouse 13: I could not tell you why I fell so deeply in love with this dumb, badly written show that shit the bed in the final episode more spectacularly than I could have imagined, and yet I did! I think probably it is because I love found family so much, and also I find goofy camp charming more often than not. And of course, there is Bering and Wells, the femslash ship that fandom forgot. I will never be over how no one knows what we have suffered!!!!!

Runaways: wow was this a surprise! The Runaways comic is my favorite comic besides Marjorie Liu’s X-23 run, and this show has basically nothing to do with it, and normally that would piss me off but they got my kids’ personalities down so well and all of the actors are so perfect that I really can’t complain. And also, this show has canon f/f and neither of them die at the end! Which is...better than some other shows I could mention!

Doctor Who series 1 and 5: I had a very intense Doctor Who phase in college, and after all was said and done and I quit the show for a time, I realized that although I love a lot of the characters, and Thirteen’s run is pretty good so far, what I really loved was Nine’s run and Eleven’s first season. That is the show at its best to me. Eccleston is my Doctor and Amy is my favorite companion.

Legends of Tomorrow: Look, I am as shocked as anyone that this, the scrappy underdog of the DCTV lineup, is the one that’s most emotionally competent and has the best character arcs! But here we are. Season 4 was some of my favorite TV I’ve seen, uh, ever.

Albums

Dirty Computer by Janelle Monae: I listened to this for basically a year straight after it came out. It’s just ridiculously good.

Something Fierce by Marian Call: This was my on-repeat album in college. i drew a lot of strength from it, and I think that it’s still the best album to recommend to people who ask me about her.

Standing Stones by Marian Call: I heard most of these songs live at concerts before they were quite done yet, so it was really special to get to hear them all collected together like this. I’m going to get a tattoo with a lyric from one of these songs because no one’s quite been able to put my basic philosophy into words quite like Marian.

Heartthrob by Tegan and Sara: Hot Take, I know, because a lot of people hate this album, but it was so affirming to go out and buy A Lesbian Album from A Lesbian Band in 2013.

The Rent movie soundtrack: I know, I KNOW, but in my defense, my parents got me this for my birthday my first year of college and I needed it so desperately. I can definitely still do “La Vie Boheme” from the beginning and probably most of the other songs too.

In the Heights OBCR: I can only listen to this when I want to cry, but it’s my favorite musical. I got to see the show in 2018 and it was incredible. I think it’s better than Hamilton and I can’t wait for the movie to come out.

Trouble by Natalia Kills: this album is really great and also it says fuck a lot, which I used to be very nervous about hearing or saying, and this helped immensely!

[outerspaceisbetterthannothing]

Blame [Surgeon!Calum AU] Ch.4

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7

Summary: What do you do if the only person you feel the connection to is the person you blamed for your sibling’s death?

A/N: This thing came up from my headass asks to wonderful Summer about neonatal surgeon!Calum au, which you can see here and here and here to understand the concept. I didn’t plan to do it at all, but the idea stuck in my mind and with support and encouragement from Summer, I came up with that. This is my first time publishing anything on Tumblr, so the feedback is extremely appreciated. Enjoy

Warnings: angst (again I don’t even hae anything to say in my defence), lack of proofreading

Chapter 4

It was odd. Felt like Anna’d known, that her cell phone was about to set off moments before she actually heard the sound. She was in her apartment, ready to set off to her parents and checking her bag for the last time, just to be sure that she wouldn’t need anything. And she knew that her phone was ready to ring, she looked at it a second before the call. And she definitely knew who was calling. And not by the melody, she had a standard one for all the calls. She just new. And it was odd.

The phone was ringing. Anna was standing next to her little kitchen island looking at screeching device and debating whether to pick up or not. She couldn’t quite explain it, but she didn’t want to talk to Bryan. Like she knew that if she picks up, they’re gonna end up fighting. But finally she gave in and answered the call.

“Did I wake you? Is everything alright?” surprisingly, Bryan sounded really worried.

Annabelle frowned.

“No. And yes. Why?”

“Well, you didn’t pick up for…”

“I’m packing, didn’t hear,” lied Anna instantly. “So, what’s up?”

“Just wanted to check on you? How’ve you been?”

Anna sighed and rolled her eyes a little. Suddenly she remembered Jo’s yesterday words. She was in a long-term relationship with a guy and got pissed off when he was trying to show his care. There was something seriously wrong with their relationship. Or with her.

“I-” but, jeez, how was she to put this into words? How could she explain everything she felt to a person unable to understand it himself? “I’m okay Bryan, really. Everything’s fine. Was just about to set off.”

“You’re coming today?” Bryan was genuinely surprised.

“Yeah, thought that would be better,” Anna shrugged, moving her attention to her bag again. “Wanna be there tomorrow from the early morning.”

Bryan hummed something incoherent in return and silence fell between them.

“Do you want me to meet you tonight?” he finally asked.

Anna sighed again. “No, I guess I better spend the evening with my parents. You know…”

“Yeah, sure,” Bryan agreed hastily. “We’ll be back at your place tomorrow eveninganyway, so better spend some time with the family.”

Annabelle bit her cheek in confusion. “Back at my place?” she repeated.

And then she felt it, a momentary change in the mood, electricity starting to crackle between them.

“Well, yeah,” started Bryan, “we planned to spend the rest of the weekend together, remember? I’m leaving to Phila on Monday, so…”

“Bryan, I’m not coming back here till Tuesday,” Annabelle stated in a cold tone.

He sighed. That awful patronizing sigh adults make when talk to a silly kid. Anna felt her blood start to boil in her veins.

“What? Anna, babe, come on! We’re not gonna see each other for weeks. I wanna spend some time with my girl, before I go.”

And that was the moment she lost it.

“Well, I’m so sorry to ruin your plans, babe, but, newsflash! My brother has just died! And no matter how ridiculous it seems to you, my family is a little bit more important than your need for sex!”

“Anna, that’s not…”

But she wasn’t listening to him anymore.

“I’m sure there are a lot of girls in Phila who will gladly help you out! Goodbye, Bryan!”

And just like that she hung up. And was quite proud of herself for not shattering her phone that very moment.

Annabelle tried to calm down, but she still felt her hands shake as she was picking up her bag and typing a message to her dad. She kept reminding herself what happened was more than typical for Bryan and she shouldn’t have been so shocked. But she just couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that even in such circumstances he was as ignorant as usual.

All her attempts to concentrate on driving and her family were in vain. At some point she started to go through the radio stations in search for some distraction, but couldn’t really settle for any of them. All music was either too happy, or too sad, or just...not right. So she turned her radio off and groaned loudly.

Her thoughts were coming back to her fight with Bryan again and again. Annabelle was shaking her head in disapproval, imagining some other responses to his rudeness, more clever and sharp ones, and was saying them out loud, as if Bryan was right in front of her. Drivers in the cars nearby probably thought she was crazy. But Anna was so deep in her own distress, she forgot that there were any people around her. And every time she decided to let it fucking go, reminding herself that he just didn't understand and there was probably nothing she could do to make him understand, the same question popped up in her head. How? How could the man, who said he loved her so many times, treat her like that? The only answer she had was the phantom feeling of a man’s strong arm wrapped around her shoulder, helping her carry her troubles and somehow making it all a little bit better. For like a mere second, but better.

How come Bryan wasn’t the person to make her feel that?

Annabelle got so distracted that when she realised she wasn’t moving she couldn’t remember the moment she’d stopped. Just as she couldn’t understand why she was on the parking lot of her school couple streets from her parents’ house. The sun was already setting behind tall trees on the other side of a playing field. Everything around her was deserted, not a single person or car around. Students, and apparently teachers too, were eager to spend the last weekend of summer holidays as far away from school as it was only possible. Anna looked around couple of times. What was she doing in the emptiest place in the entire neighbourhood?

And then she understood. The very moment the first tear fell down her cheek. She understood. It was like a dam wreck. It all started with a single tear and little sniffles. But couple moments in she was crying like she’d just found out about everything what happened. Like they were still at the hospital and Dr. Hood was telling them the dreadful news. She was crying like all her wounds were open again and bleeding. She didn’t even tried to hold it back, knowing well enough how useless would be her efforts. She started to sob loudly soon, and the next moment her hand hit the steering wheel. And then she hit it again. And again. And she continued hitting it till her hands started to hurt, trying to free all the anger and despair she had inside. And understanding she was nowhere near. The emptiness she felt in her chest the night it all happened was filled now with the darkest emotions imaginable. And one break down on a high school parking lot wasn’t enough to get rid of all of them. Anna was ready to believe she would never be able to let go of them, she was destined to carry this darkness inside and nothing will ever stop it from hurting. Nothing and no one.

She’d spent like that about twenty minutes, before her tears stopped. And after that she wasted at least as much time to calm down and try to hide the red circles around her eyes with the make-up.

When she finally drove up her parents’ driveway she was so late that her dad almost jumped out of the front door to meet her.

“You were right about traffic,” she tried to smile, looking at his slightly worried expression.

“You’re finally here, that’s all that matters.”

Mark pecked his daughter on the cheek and took her bag from her hands. They were walking up the porch stairs when Anna realised he was more tense than she expected. She saw it in the way his shoulders were a little too straight and  his head leaned on the right. Anna felt cold creeping up her spine. What was going on?

“By the way,” Mark interrupted her thinking, his tone too funny for her to believe it, “we had to cancel the curry plan, unfortunately. Your Mom ran out of spices. But I hope you’ll be okay with a pizza night?”

He stopped at the front door, letting Anna come inside first and looking at her with a wide smile.

“Sure, pizza is fine,” she smiled back.

Her  Dad nodded and headed upstairs to put her back in her room.

Anna lingered in the hall for a couple more moments. She looked at his back feeling an uneasiness inside her growing stronger. There was something too unnatural in all of it.

She shook her head and stepped into the living room. Huge glass doors on the west side of the room let her see their rather big garden, filled with all shades of orange light from a sunset.

Her Mom was in the backyard, obviously working with some of her plants. Annabelle came closer to the doors and watched her Mom. All sorts of gardening tools were scattered around Jennifer. Freshly digged soil on her roses’ flower beds, bushes just cut, garden furniture in a new place. How long has she spent there?

A strange thought flashed through her mind. Annabelle went to the kitchen and opened the cupboard where her Mom kept all her spices. And she sighed deeply. All of them were there, some of the items even doubled. Anna closed her eyes trying to comprehend the idea of her Dad deliberately lying to her. And then she heard him coming behind her.

“What are you doing?”

Annabelle closed the cupboard and turned over to look at her Dad standing in the arch between the living room and kitchen.

“There’s no problem with spices, right? She’s never run out of them in my entire life.”

Mark didn’t say anything to that, just stepped back into the living room and looked at his wife busy with her flowers.

Anna came closer to him and asked almost in a whisper, “How long has she been there?” After her Dad said nothing again, she nodded in understanding, “So the whole day then.”

And it stuck her finally, a massive realisation which squeezed her throat preventing her from breathing. Her parents, she understood now, they weren’t okay. They were so not okay she couldn’t even start to comprehend the depths of their loss. They were shattered and grieving thousands time stronger than she was. But even though they’d lost their second child, they still had their first. And for the sake of that child they were keeping their grief down low, tried to look as normal as it was only possible to save Anna from more heartbreaks and pain for her parents.

Anna felt the familiar burning in her eyes and stinging in her chest. She took a deep breath and turned to her Dad, who was still looking outside. “You should stop protecting me, Daddy,” she uttered, her voice broken and trembling. “At least from this.”

Mark shook his head and looked at his daughter, his eyes full of tears. “You’re my little girl, Annabelle. I will never stop protecting you,” he sighed and suddenly pulled her into his arms, holding her like their lives depended on it. “I couldn’t save him and I can’t save my wife from it all. But I will always protect you. I promise you this.”

So they stood like that in their living room. Mark was breathing in his daughter’s hair, hiding his eyes. She was holding his broad and shaking shoulders with her little hands, realising how wrong she was about them, how awfully damaged their family was. And asking herself if there was at least any chance that one day they would be okay again.

***

The last time their house was so full of people was her graduation. Table in the dining room was as full with food. Her grandmas and grandpas sitting on the same places. Bryan being just as nervous as that night two years ago. Annabelle found all the parallels surprisingly soothing. Like the familiarity of the scene helped her stay sane.

She looked at her older relatives again. Grandpas were preoccupied in some heated conversation with one of her uncles and her father’s oldest friend from college. Grandmas were reminiscing on the good old days, judging by their slightly dreamy expressions. It was surprising though how interested and involved in their talk was Jo, sitting with them, asking questions here and there, listening carefully to their replies. Who could have thought.

Allie was standing near the doors to the garden, Bryan close to her leaning on the wall with a glass of whiskey in his right hand, left hidden in his pocket. They were exchanging some phrases from time to time, but mostly stood there in silence. Allie was frowning, looking at Bryan with worry in her eyes, but Anna pretended she didn’t see it. Just as she pretended she couldn’t guess the source of his distress or that she didn’t care at all. He tried to speak to her earlier, but every time he was approaching her, Anna was excusing herself under one pretext or another. Or just kept her occupied with her parents or talking to Max, who gladly obliged in keeping her company through the whole day.

Bryan’s and Allie’s parents were together in the kitchen, chatting about something in the quiet voices. Anna could only see them through the arch, too far away to hear a word. But snatched looks Bryan’s Mom was sending her told her everything she needed to know about their topic. They knew about her and Bryan’s fight, obviously. She could almost hear it. Poor girl, she’s devastated. No surprise she’s so emotional. Doesn't mean the half of what she’s saying. Bryan just needs to be patient with her. Like she was some kind of a wild animal and they were trying to tame her. She snorted in disgust.

“Here you are,” Maks spoke quietly, coming up to her and handing a glass of water.

Anna mumbled thanks and continued looking around.

“Wanted to say how much I actually hate funeral,” Max started, his eyes wandering around the living room just like Anna’s, “and then…”

“Realised everyone else hate them too?” Anna finished for him.

Max chuckled, trying to cover it in his extremely unnatural cough. “Yeah, like can there be at least any lunatic who would enjoy it?”

“There actually is. The undertaker,” stated Anna.

Max looked at her with eyes full of disbelief. “You’re awful today, you know?”

“Just in a mood,” she shrugged nonchalantly and took a sip of her water. Her eyes darted to the kitchen frame again.

“Stop looking there,” hummed Max.

“I think they’re talking about me. It’s pissing me off.”

Max sighed and looked at his cousin with a bemused smile. “Of course they’re talking about you. They’re your boyfriend’s parents and we’re at the funeral. What else do they have to talk about?”

“And you say I’m awful,” whined Anna in a whisper.

“Come on, we’re so similar, could be actually related,” joked Max. “Gotta go hang out with the male part of the family. Will you be okay without me?”

Anna smiled. “Will do my best to survive, but you see, it’s a funeral after all.”

“You are officially the worst,” stated Max, winked at her and set off to the other corner of the room.

Someone moving next to Allie and Bryan’s spot drew Anna’s attention. She saw Bryan explain something to Allie passionately when Jo came up to them, a ghost of a wicked smile on her lips. She said something under her breath, Allie looking at her angrily in an instant and Bryan just shook his head but refrained from responding. Anna considered an idea of approaching them to prevent any kind of confrontation between Jo and Bryan, but was destructed by some movement in her peripheral sight. The next thing she knew, she was hugging Bryan’s parents, thanking them for coming and all the offers of help. Bryan was right next to them and she hugged him too, mechanically, not even giving it another thought. She nodded to all the condolences repeated again and again and looked at her fingers not to meet her boyfriends eyes. Then they left.

Anna looked around again. Max was stuck near her Dad and some of the uncles. Her Mom was surrounded by her two best friends and Anna’s aunt. Jo and Allie were standing together discussing something in an undertone. And Annabelle suddenly felt so lost again. Just like she felt last night sitting in her car next to her school. As if it was difficult to understand what she was doing here and why all of it was happening. She set her look on the glass of water in her hands, but it was shaking so much she risked dropping it. So she darted into the empty now kitchen in hopes to hide her sudden break down. She left the glass on the kitchen island and put her hands on the cold stone of the counter, failing to understand what was happening to her. She wasn’t used to such drastic changes in her mood and the fact that she had close to no control over her own emotions now left her scared and breathless.

Anna felt Jo’s cold and rather sharp perfume enveloping her along with Jo’s arms snaking around her frame.

“You gonna be okay, little Belle,” Jo whispered resting her head on Anna’s shoulder. “Everything will be okay.”

Another pair of hands gently stroked Anna’s hair on the other side of Jo. Allie didn’t say anything, just stood there, letting Anna calm down in the presence of her two closest friends.

Several minutes later Annabelle moved in Jo’s arms and turned over to be able to look at girls. She wanted to say something really meaningful, wanted to explain how much them being here meant to her, how grateful she was for everything they were doing, even if they would say they weren’t doing anything at all. But no words were enough. So they just stood there looking at each other and understanding everything.

“Don’t you need to move back?” Anna finally broke their silence as she remembered Jo had a long ago planned photoshoot in the evening.

“We were about to set off,” Jo agreed and hugged Anna again. “But just say a word and we’ll stay,” she added.

“No,” Anna shook her head stepping away from Jo and hugging Allie. “Thank you, girls. But I’ll be fine. You’ve got nothing to worry about,” she stated with a smile and noticed Max’s tall frame in the doorway. He probably saw girls rushing into the kitchen after Anna and decided to linger around just in case. She nodded in his direction and added, “Plus I have Max to keep an eye on me.”

Allie looked back and smiled widely at the sight of Anna’s cousin, wiping a tear with her free hand. “You know you can call and text and come any moment you want, right?” she asked looking back at her best friend.

“Of course, I do, Al. And I will, promise.”

They hugged one more time and girls left after saying their goodbyes to Anna’s parents, Max stepped out the house to see them off. And Anna was left alone wondering how long she will need till she actually would be okay.

The same question was flowing through her mind the next day when she was wandering through the grocery shop with Max.

Her Mom didn’t come down for breakfast that morning, blaming severe headache. So her Dad found nothing better than to send Anna away from the house to run some errands.

So she was standing in the middle of the chocolate isle next to their shopping cart and scrolling mindlessly through the Instagram, while Max was somewhere else picking up something they missed. Anna couldn’t care less about groceries, so when on the entry to the shop Max grabbed her shopping list and lead the way, Anna let him act out the adult one with gratitude.

“So what's up with you and Bryan?” Anna heard behind her.

She turned back and looked at Max with a sauce bottle in one hand and some packets of pasta in another. He dropped all of it in the cart and turned questioning look at Anna.

“Nothing new,” she admitted, switching off her phone and putting it back in her jeans pocket. “We were planning to spend this weekend together, but then it all happened. And I didn't even remember about these plans. And then he calls and starts talking about it like it's already settled and nothing’s changed and I… I don’t know, Max. Yesterday I was so pissed about it, but today I feel like I couldn't care less.”

“So basically he's been a neglectful douchebag?” Max tried to sum up.

“Exactly,” hummed Anna, choosing a chocolate sauce.

“But you don't care because that's typical of him and also you've other stuff to care about?”

“Pretty much,” she agreed.

They strolled along the isle as Max grunted. Anna waited couple of minutes for him to actually say something, but apparently Max thought the topic was over. So she asked, “Can you vocalise, maybe?”

Max stopped in the middle of an isle containing all types of flour.

“There's nothing much to vocalise, Anna,” he said, looking at her in surprise. “He's still your boyfriend. And as long as you're okay with that, I'm also okay with that.”

Annabelle rolled her eyes to that and rushed, “You're just like Allie!”

“What? What do you mean I'm just like Allie?” asked Max a little too worked up over her remark.

“It's just exactly the kind of shit she would say. Anna, that's your decision. If you're okay then I'm okay,” Anna groaned, obviously too stressed out about it all of a sudden, but somehow not wishing to tame down her reaction. “Seriously, every so often I almost want to question if she really thinks it, or just masks her objection with politeness.”

“Allie would never lie to you or object without stating her point,” returned Max sounding almost wounded.

Anna breathed in and shook her head a little, wavy golden hair a mess around her shoulder. “Max, chill. I know that, she's my best friend since we were like four. I know Ally and I know she would never act this way. All I'm saying is that-” she sighed, taking a pause to get her thoughts together. “Sometimes I would be more than happy to know your real thoughts instead of hearing how ya’ll support any my decision.”

“But we are going to support any your decision,” reminded Max softly, his easy smile signaled that tension left them as suddenly as it'd come.

“And I love you for that,” Anna reflected his smile. “But- I don't know- Could you maybe just say what you think about it all?”

Max groaned quietly, ran his hand over his face and gave in. “You're my cousin, Annabelle, but we've always been more of a brother and sister. And I love you just like I'd love my sister, if I had one. And, frankly, Bryan’s never been a type of guy I would choose for my sister. It's not like he's a bad guy or something. But he's not a great one either.”

“Okay,” drawled Anna carefully, afraid to scare off this rush of sincerity, “why do I hear but here?”

“But,” nodded Max looking straight in here eyes, and Anna felt shivers crawl up her spine under his sight, “all of what I've just said wouldn't mean anything if you had at least any feelings to him,” he finished and shrugged at her exasperation.

Then Max shrugged again, looked around, mumbled something about garlic for uncle Mark and wandered further along the isle, leaving Anna behind, shook and without any idea of what just happened.

They continued their shopping dropping some random phrases here and there. Sang along some stupid song on the way back to her home. And even joked around the kitchen a little while unpacking all the grocery bags. They hugged tightly when Max was leaving after having a beer with her Dad in the garden. And they were absolutely okay with each other.

But Anna would lie if she said she wasn't thinking constantly about what Max said. If you had at least any feeling to him. But Anna had feelings to Bryan. Right? She kept asking herself lying in the darkness of her room that night only to be met with a total silence in her head.

Had she ever had any feelings at all? She'd never questioned her relationship with Bryan, they were the most natural thing in her life after her friendship with girls. Always so easy, from the very night they first went out to a spring formal so many years ago. She remembered the first time he told her he loved her after they'd spent their first night together. Did she feel anything that moment? Apart from being flattered and grateful. Unexpectedly she found herself doubting everything she'd been sure before. Despite being with Bryan for more than three years now she'd never even considered the idea of actually loving him. And it was just… crazy. It's like it completely slipped out of her mind. Or maybe she just knew she didn't love him, so her conscious left the idea untouched avoiding a distress. And what kind of person did it make her for being with a person for so long and not loving him? For not questioning it while it's been so clear for all her friends. Did Bryan also know it? Did he feel that she didn’t love him? Did it hurt him to know it? And why he'd never brought it up?

Anna moved on her back and huffed, looking at her ceiling decorated with shadows made by the tree branches and lanterns in their garden. All of a sudden she remembered Calum, how she shouted at him that night. She probably hurt him too. Maybe that was the answer she seeked? Maybe she just was that person who was meant to hurt others around? That would definitely explain everything. Especially the fact that with all those bursts of feelings she experienced last week, right now she couldn't bring herself to feel anything at all.

It was like she woke up and found another person inside her body. And she didn't really like that person at all.

***

It'd been raining heavily all day and stopped only half an hour before or so. Now it was just gloomy as the day was coming to an end, weather more suited for November than the first days into September.

Anna looked through the high windows of a painting studio she was currently sitting in and sighed. She had no wish of leaving the college building in such weather. And that was another reason for her to stay in the studio after her classes. The main one though was that she really missed painting. She looked at the backs of two students in front of her, who obviously majored in art and stayed here for a real assignment rather than just for fun like her. She was wondering sometimes if she made a mistake not taking an art major, but then she always realised that no matter how much she loved painting it was never more than just a hobby for her. History and theory of art on the other hand was a real passion she was willing to connect her future with. So no mistakes there, she thought. Still she sat here in a college art studio painting for her own pleasure while she had some time for it. Soon classes would start being a real pain in her ass and she would have no time for pleasures like wasting hours here. So she tried to enjoy her freedom as long as she still had it.

Annabelle smiled and went back to her barely started picture. She was painting by a random photo she found on some photo stock website just to practice some skill after a long holiday. It was a photo of a coastline in a storm, full of deep purple color sky and navy water. This picture just drew her attention the other night and Anna felt a deep urge to paint it. So she turned her phone on again and continued on her coastline.

Several minutes passed. Anna was completely caught up in her world thinking about nothing and everything at the same time, mesmerized by the smooth movements of her brush, as if it was moving not with the help of Anna’s hand but by it's own command. She liked that feeling of losing the sense of reality, diving deep in the world of colors and shapes. It brought her peace, serenity even. Was pretty much one of her favourite feelings in the world.

But that precious state was also a fragile one. And she remembered that when the phone in her hand started buzzing all of the sudden, making her almost jump on her stool. However that sensation was nowhere near as big as the one she felt when saw the caller id. “Dr. Hood” said the letters on her screen. All sorts of questions rushed through her agitated mind. Why was he calling her? Was something wrong? Did he want something from her? Was he just checking up on her state in a sudden rush of a doctor care? Or it was more of a friendly care?

Knowing there was only one way to find out, she took a deep breath like before diving into water, and answered the call.

“Hello?” she uttered and almost cursed at herself for how insecure her voice sounded.

“Oh, good, you've picked up!” Calum exclaimed not caring about greetings much and explained, “I thought you might be in class.”

“Done with them for today,” Anna replied. “Just in the studio.”

“Studio?” he asked a little louder. Noises in the background reminded Anna about busy corridors of the hospital. Probably he was crossing one of them which made him raise his tone.

“Yeah, just an art studio in my college, nothing much.”

“So you study art?” Calum asked sounding both surprised and interested. Anna felt like she could almost see a lazy smile on his lips.

“Something like that,” she muttered not wishing to go into depths of her education, as it drew her away from the reason he called her. “So, what's up?”

“Right,” started Calum like he just remembered why he called her, “So you remember Aubrie?”

“Aubrie?” Anna lost the track of their talk completely.

“Yup, the little girl I treated. We met her while having coffee the other day,” Calum explained patiently.

The image of the little girl's squishy cheeks and cute curls popped up in Anna’s mind. “Sure, I remember her.”

“So you should remember she invited me to her garden party this Saturday and I was wondering if you could join me?” Calum asked.

And without doubt from all the things he could ever ask her, that one was the most unexpected.

“You want me to come with you to a three years old’s garden party?” she repeated in a fruitless attempt to understand him.

Calum chuckled, a sound more pleasing for her ears than Anna was ready to admit. “Come on, it's Saturday afternoon! Do you have any better plans?” and not even giving her a chance to reply he continued, “There'll be some kids, couple or more good stories for you and the tastiest banana cake you've ever tried in your life.”

Anna sighed heavily. “Calum, seriously, thank you for inviting me-”

But he didn't give her a chance to reject. “Did I mention the tastiest banana cake in the world?”

“Yes, you did,” Anna snorted at that.

“And it didn't tempt you? Can't believe it!”

“You know, my Mom is pretty badass baker, so I'm not gonna take a guy's word on the tastiest banana cake in the world,” she couldn't help but tease.

“Guess you have no other choice than to taste it yourself,” Calum stated and Anna heard his smile grow bigger.

But it still wasn't enough to make her agree. “And once again, thank you for inviting me,  Calum, but I-”

“Don't say no,” he suddenly pleaded, making her chuckle again.

Anna rolled her eyes and finished, “I need to think about it. That's better?”

“Much,” Calum agreed in the same playful tone. “As soon as you decide on anything just send me a text, like, any time.”

“Will do,” Anna promised not even trying to suppress the smile.

“And when I say anytime, I mean it. Anytime day and night. Literally,” he added, the level of noise in the background raising up again. Anna thought she heard somebody calling his name, but she could mishear.

“Do you, like, ever sleep?” she asked in joking disbelief.

Calum laughed softly. “No, sleep is for the weak.”

“As you say, Superman,” Anna laughed too and promised, “I'll text you the moment I know the answer.”

“Perfect. I’ll wait for it.”

With that he ended the call, leaving Anna stare at her picture in an unfamiliar state of elation. She thought what a shame it would be to actually turn him down. He sounded so hopeful, and Anna felt a strange urge to see him again, not really understanding why. They did spend two wonderful hours walking down the streets talking about all kind of stuff the other day. But they were almost strangers, yet Anna felt like it wasn't complete truth for her heart usually didn't beat so fast because of an idea of seeing a stranger again. Though that were probably just her stupid emotions, reacting all kinds of crazy in all the wrong moments lately. As tempting as this idea was, she had no reasons to go with him to that little girl's garden party.

And still… What a shame it would be to turn him down.

***

Taglist: @5saucewho @paqueretteash 

[onlysweetkiwii]

Little incident. HS imagine.

It hurts, I don’t know how it happened but in a moment I was helping my 3 years old son in car seat, another moment I was crushed between the car door and the car it self.

I still can’t believe how paparazzi can be like this but maybe photographing Harry styles wife and son is something they kill for.

And now my shoulder hurts like hell. I hold steering wheel with one hand because the other one was obviously out of work for some time.

We’re in London visiting Harry’s mother however harry is in France for an interview, he’ll join us tomorrow and there’s no way I tell him about this incident to him. He’ll goes mad and he doesn’t need more stress than he already have.

“Hey baby shhh , it’s over, we’re ok , going to see grandma, aren’t you exited?” I tried to calm Evian, which his sobs still can be heard.

“Sweetie it’s ok” I tried one more time but poor baby is scared “I’m sure grandma has some ice cream waiting for you” this actually worked “weally?” He asked much calmer and put his finger in his mouth.

His sucking is another bad habit of him, doctor said it’s because he doesn’t pass that stage when he was younger. With his mother leaving him harry was in a bad stage emotionally when I first met him one year ago.

Evian isn’t my biological son but blood doesn’t limit our family, he’s so precious to me.

“I’m sure there will be” let’s hope Anne has some ice cream.

“Ok mama” he said looking outside window.

We get to Anne in no time but moving out was another process. I couldn’t hold Evian and bag both in my hand. “Mommy’s gonna hold you with one hand, ok sweetie, can you hold me tight?” I’m not weak but still I need to make sure we’ll get in safely.

He nods his head as I engulfed him in my arm. He grans my shoulder which makes me hiss but I keep it quite for the sake of him. I’m gonna need a Doctor for sure.

Anne opened the door “oh look who’s here? My favorite” Anne said as Evian jumps in her arms which I hissed this time louder and it gets Anne’s attention.

“Go on sweetie, auntie’s in living room” Anne puts Evian down as he runs somewhere looking for Gemma.

“Hi mom” I greet her , she tried to hug me but I denied my another shoulder in her embrace, it was totally painful. She narrowed her eyes as she eyed me “darling you’re pale, are you ok? Are you in pain?”

She asked and I couldn’t hold it anymore, I was really in pain , but at least I hold my tears.

“Actually I had a little incident with paparazzis. I think I hurt my shoulder badly” I told her. She tried to get a look “oh my goodness, you need a doctor, how it happened?”

She helped me out of my coat to get a better look “it’s purple all over” she whispered “I don’t know, I think they pushed each other which pushed door on me as I was helping Evian in car”

I told her , she grabs her bad and car keys “Gemma, come here a minute” he called out “we’re going to hospital, your shoulder may have been dislocated” she said sadly, I truly hate hospitals and thinking about going through something as big as dislocated shoulder brings tears in my yes one more time.

“B-But I’m going to work, I-I can’t have a-a cast on” I tried to hold my sobs but it was useless, I wish harry was here with me.

“Mom, do you ..... oh what’s wrong ? Y/n are you ok?” Gemma comes closer to me , she was hesitating not knowing what’s the matter “she needs a doctor” she glanced at Anne “why?” “Well a little bit incident with paparazzis” Anne answered as she guide me to door “oh and don’t tell harry if he calls” I said before Anne can closes the door.

At hospital everything was fast. It wasn’t dislocated but so close to. However doesn’t make it any better because I still needed a cast.

“Don’t hold anything heavy with it , get a child rest for a week” Doctor gave me some painkillers to make it more bearable.

In car Anne’s phone start calling. It was Gemma so I answered because she was behind the wheel. “Gemma?” I asked sorry about Evian. We were gone for few hours and Evian is so attached to me. He must have had a bad day. Poor my baby.

“Yeah , actually no, harry called me million times , apparently there’s a video of you getting hurt and he saw it. At first I tried to deny it but when he found out you’re at hospital he goes crazy, said he’ll be here as soon as possible because you’re not answering your phone as well so he thinks it’s something big and we’re hiding it” I shake my head “oh that man!, I’ll give him a call”

Anne gave me a look as I called harry “he’s so stubborn sometimes” I tell her waiting for him to answer “he’s so worried about you”

“Y/n oh my goodness, are you ok? Are you at hospital? Sweetheart don’t worry I’m on my way” he said without letting me answer “harry no, I’m ok, it was just bruised, nothing major honey” I tried to call him “you know I’m worried, it looked so bad in video”

I shake my head remembering he can’t see me “it’s nothing important, don’t cancel your job for me. Till tomorrow that you’re here nothing will happen. Ok? Please harry” I tried. He can’t just leave everything for nothing.

It was silent for few seconds and I could hear him taking deep breath trying to decide what to do. “You’ll be safe?” Finally he asked “I will stay with Anne. Don’t worry” he doesn’t say anything but I know he nods. “And Evian is fine. Staying at home with Gemma. I’m sorry this happened, but he’s fine” I feel guilty, I should’ve been more careful, anything could’ve happened for him. My baby.

“I know he’s safe with you don’t be ridiculous” once more tears come down “I love you harry” he breathes deeply “I love you more. Can’t wait to see you , hold you in my arms. Wish I could do something for you” he’s far and feel guilty for not taking care of his family “you can kiss it better tomorrow” I suddenly remembered Anne, glanced at her. She was smiling but her eyes were on road “I will kiss every where baby”

I couldn’t ask for anything better I love him so much and so thanks full for the family he gave me.

I hope you enjoyed. Tell me if you have any requests. I’ll accept it. Xx

[charlottestarchild]

When they ask me what I liked best, I’ll say it was you.

It’s been a long time since I wrote and it’s time for an update. Live has been an incredibly mixed bag, full of skyrocketing highs and hell-deep lows. The paradox that is live is still challenging me with the lemons it tries to throw at me and I am still not any better at making lemonade.

As usual, lots of what has happened has centred around men. I guess it’s fair to say that I have come to terms with the biggest feelings in me always being evoked by men. No matter what other amazing things happen, my mind and heart only seems to care about that one thing. For the past one and half years that I’ve been single I tried hard to teach myself to be content on my own. To not seek for affection and validation from men and just be happy and strong on my own. But maybe it’s a fool’s errand I’m running. Maybe it is better to allow myself to recognize that what I am seeking is love. Not any kind of love. But the deep, sincere and passionate love you see in movies. It’s no coincidence that when I feel depressed I turn to watch movies or TV shows in which the story is built around two people deeply caring for each other with such passion that nothing can keep them apart. The sort of love Romeo feels for Juliet, Jamie feels for Claire and Seth feels for Maggie. And come to think of it, all of these are examples where their love is not meant to be – Juliet falling in love with the rivalling family’s son, Claire falling in love with Jamie, a man 200 years her junior and Maggie falling in love with Seth the Angel. All of them overcome incredible obstacles between them to be together. Watching these movies makes me weep. Because deep down I know that there is a high chance that I will die and never have felt the kind of love these characters feel for each other. And then I get angry and mad at myself for being so naïve and stupid to chase after fairytales. Does love like that exist in real life? I know not one real life example. Not one. So, it seems I am setting myself up for failure and yet, what can I do. The heart demands what the heart demands. It also seems that this is a reason why I keep falling for the unlikely lover. The Swiss scoundrel musician, the Brazilian passionate forever bachelor. There is one lover I haven’t told you about. His name is Nate and he is also quite the unlikely lover. We matched on Tinder and at first I was certain I matched with a fake profile. He had only one image but that packed a punch. We started texting and that’s all we did for 2 weeks since I was traveling. When I got back home we decided to meet – he kind of invited himself to my place suggested I cook something. He came, and besides the fact that he didn’t seem to like the food I had cooked we also didn’t exactly hit it off conversation wise. It became clear quite quickly that we had huge differences in values – him having had a conservative Muslim upbringing in Egypt and me having been brought up very liberal. There was mention of his marriage having been arranged and sometimes he would start sentences with “in my religion we do...”. At some point during the evening I was certain I should send him home;  but, we both had had some beers and he had come by car and since he was hot after all and I was needy I thought to myself “might as well”. 

Looking back, it was one of the best decisions I’ve made in the past year. The sex was out of this world not just because I finally seemed to have found someone who put my pleasure over his own. But he just also clearly knew what he was doing. The way he touched me, held me in his strong arms, kissed me. It was so full of passion that it took me quite by surprise. That first night, we had sex for hours and after that he stayed the night and we fell asleep tired, in each others arms.   That was back in September. 8 months ago. We have been dating ever since. Not very seriously in the sense that we are not boyfriend and girlfriend and have never had “the talk” in which we defined our relationship. But somehow it just worked for both of us. He has a complicated family life – technically still married and has two kids but is trying to get a divorce which, let’s just say is neither a very common nor a very easy thing to do in his culture. And me, not really wanting a relationship cause “hey, I’m an independent woman now” and also traveling a lot. So, we have been meeting every so often, usually every 2-3 weeks. And every time, we meet we have a fantastic time together. We cook together, laugh, watch football or a movie and still, each time, have incredible sex.  He is also the first guy who does not fool around. With that I simply mean that he doesn’t make things more complicated than they need to be. When he reads my message, he replies. As soon as he’s read it. That might not sound like a big deal but it actually is. Because for some reason all my earlier encounters ALWAYS took their time replying. Often having me wait for days and the replying in an ambigous way. He doesn’t do that. He doesn’t play. He is straight forward, honest and when I ask for example “when will we meet again” he says things like “honey, you tell me when you have time and I will make it happen”. I appreciate that a lot in him. I can also tell that he is an incredibly loving father to his children and just generally a good guy. Which really isn’t what I expected when I first saw him. Why? Because he is insanely good looking and the first impression you might get is that he is a total player. I’ve stayed sceptic all throughout us dating but not a single time has he given me any reason to believe that he’s playing with me or using me. At least not more than I am using him. And knowing quite a bit about his family life I know for a fact that he wouldn’t even have time to date other women as well. He is super sensual and caring and lying in his arms has been the rock that kept me sane over these past months where depression and burn out have been taking quite a toll on me again. But we both always knew our time together had an expiration date and a short while ago we found out about that date. The second of June. That’s when he will move back to Egypt and although I keep telling myself that I am not in love with him, it will crush my heart. But if he is so amazing, why am I not in love with him you might ask. Well, remember those differences in values? That is a real thing. And although he is a truly good human being, he for example is very narrow minded when it comes to for example immigration and matters around sexual orientation. It’s just the way he’s been brought up. Not sharing the same values on such crucial world views is, I believe, what keeps me from truly falling in love with him. Looking at it one way, I guess that’s a good thing. p.s.: I will keep editing this story over the next few weeks, our last weeks together.  Edit 1: After having been 3 weeks apart, we met last night. We had dinner together and then things moved to the bedroom pretty quickly. I don’t know if it was the fact that we hadn’t seen each other for a long time, or the fact that we both now that the end of our relationship is near but it almost seemed like our love making was even more passionate which is not something I thought possible. The embrace we were in was so strong it almost took my breath away. After many hours, we went to sleep. Usually I first fall asleep in his arms but then for comfort I turn around playing “little spoon”. I fell into a light slumber when I suddenly noticed he was stroking my hair, my cheek, my shoulder. Somehow it felt like the most loving and caring way I have ever been touched. I will never forget it. 

Edit 2: Well... this didn’t exactly end as I expected and I’m not even sure what happened. I’ll just lay it out for you and you can make up your own mind as to what went wrong here.  So... after our last meeting which went really well and the fact that I knew he was leaving soon anyways, I kind of felt like I can let my guard down. Which only meant that I was a bit more forthcoming in expressing the fact that I’d like to see him as much as possible before he leaves. I wrote to him that I had only one wish before he left and that it was that we’d spend one full night and day together, without me having to go to work in the morning or him having to pick up his kids. His response was super sweet, he said that yes for sure we will manage because he is also tired of rushing away first thing in the morning and he also “needs this”. All fine and dandy. He then said that he will try and get a day off from the kids on the weekend so we could be together. That was on a Monday. By Wednesday evening I still hadn’t heard from him and so I texted him - here is the conversation

What you need to know, is that he will move to Egypt with the kids but his ex wife (”that woman”) will not follow until a few months later. So what my message was trying to express was just surprise that she would care about her kids so little that she’d rather go to her cousin than spend time with her kids while she still can. 

Either way, I did not respond to his last message as I was pissed off about him telling me off by saying “let me deal with it my way”. I was pissed because over the past months I had been incredibly understanding, patient and tolerant about his situation with his ex and him having to cancel meetings last minute due to stuff with the kids etc. Fact is, his situation with his ex is so fucked up that not a lot of women would have made up with that shit. But I did, so I didn’t need him telling me to let him deal with it his way.  So I didn’t reply. And neither did he. That conversation happened on Wednesday. He did not text to confirm if we would meet on the weekend or not. He did not message me at all. For a week. I then saw a post on his instagram that he was on his way to the Netherlands. And I was gonna go to Croatia the following weekend. So this then confirmed, that the only day we would still see each other would be the public holiday before the weekend he was leaving. Although I even had my doubts about that since I knew he had to pack and empty his apartment etc.  But the point was... here we were, having a few last chances to spend time together and you decide to be an asshole and not text me.  Of course I thought if I should text him, if I’m over reacting. But no... I was super clear about what it was I wanted - see him. And I wasn’t the one not having time. So the ball was definitely in his court.  So one lonely and sad Wednesday evening I decide to re-download Tinder. Just to pass time and see what’s out there. And guess who I came across. Mr. “let me deal with it my way”. 

Now again, you might say “well you were on Tinder too”. But the reason why I think this is a bit different is because I will still spend time in this country while he is leaving in two weeks... I had been on Tinder every so often and never ran into his profile anymore and this was a new profile, with very recent images, so he had to have set it up recently.  It stung. Badly.  I did what I always do in situations like this, which is be dramatic. I removed him from my Instagram, unfollowed him and deleted all messages.  And that’s it. End of story. Never heard from him. He’s leaving in 5 days.  I was quite sad for a while because it could have ended with love and respect for each other. But it all went to shit instead. Most of all I felt stupid because I truly thought he cared about me in some way. 

[mayardsale]

The sunshine that rested gently against the leather couch of my office signaled the halfway point of my day. April clearly intended to erase the pain and torture that January unleashed after an unrelenting November and December. Spring was in the air and my patients were clearly enjoying the season. I’d decided the previous summer that I’d give up the pace of the city that kept me awake 23 hours a day so that winter was an approval from above that I was headed in the right direction. And maybe I’d finally say yes to the not-so-subtle advances of my temptress spin-class instructor. That winter’s blanket of snow forced all of my couples to spend more time together and that made my job easier. As Erin and Jack gave me a goodbye hug, I wondered if they’d be okay without my counseling. “We owe you so much,” Erin tearfully exclaimed as she squeezed Jack’s hand. “We don’t want you to go, but I feel like you’ve taught us all that we needed to know about ourselves. We get each other now. We do.” That sentiment was repeated over and over that April. I was relieved that I could leave every relationship moving in a positive direction. My methods proved meaningful. My theories had been validated. And no couple had prospered more on that couch than my 2PM appointment, Tanya and Franklin. Honestly I didn’t have much hope for their relationship in the beginning. I wasn’t taking any new patients after my wife’s accident, but they simply wouldn’t take no for an answer. They touched a nerve with my assistant Melissa and she booked them an introductory appointment without telling me. From the outside they appeared to be a perfectly happy, normal couple, but they were complete opposites from my vantage point. And they always fought about sex. Tanya was the free spirit artist and Franklin was the bean-counting realist. Opposites attract but they have to understand their differences. Tanya and Franklin spent every minute of their relationship attempting to change themselves for each other. They had mastered this give and take so well that it took me 6 months to realize who they really were. Tanya was the manager at a bank and Franklin taught jazz piano at a prestigious university. Their previous counselors never realized who they really were because Tanya and Franklin were too busy being what the other wanted them to be. Tanya was an imposing woman at 5'10". Though she was the warm-hearted and bubbly life of the party, I was not surprised that she found herself intimidating to most people. Especially men. She totally accepted her character and flaunted her stature with fashionable heels and skirts that demanded attention. Franklin, on the other hand, had little idea that he would be considered intimidating by anyone. As a 6'1" health junky, professional athlete would be the first guess anyone would make against his chiseled physique. But once you learned that his body was the result of a battle with overeating as a youth, you could see that the book didn’t match the cover. My theories about relationships revolved around defining stereotypes and moving away from them until people understand what made them happy. Men are men and women are women. Until they’re not. Complexities in relationships occur when men and women don’t fit into neat stereotypes, outside expectations or simple biology. I landed on this simple premise when I realized that my same sex couples were used to figuring out ‘who believed what’ in the relationship. Every step of their relationship required negotiation with no default. With a man and a woman there are presumed beliefs that often go unspoken and thus unsettled. This was clearly the case with Tanya and Franklin. Their problem was that they were living the mirror of what they actually wanted. Tanya was a meticulous bean-counter in real-life, but wanted the spontaneity and whimsy that she saw in Franklin’s life. Franklin had very little guarantee that any day would ever be the same and longed for the consistency that Tanya appeared to be wrapped into at the bank. So my fix started with a simple assignment. Tanya would plan every aspect about their dates for a month except for one detail: the restaurant. Tanya would consult with her husband on every aspect along the way as she made here decisions - from what they’d wear to how they’d get there. Tanya would offer up two possible restaurants and leave it at that. Franklin’s only responsibility would be to choose which place and keep it as a surprise until they arrived. “That’s it,” Tanya complained nervously. For over six months they complained primarily about their intimacy concerns and I had them planning date nights. “My husband just told you that he’s jacking off to porn and ashamed to tell me and you want us to choose between Italian and Japanese!” “I don’t really like Japanese food,” Jack sheepishly joked. “Not the fucking point,” Tanya bit back. “Try it for a month,” I quietly prescribed as I closed my notebook. “We’ll check back in and see how it’s going.” Fuming, Tanya grabbed her bag while Franklin followed her out of my office. Melissa recognized the tension as they passed through the office to the elevator. “Date night?” she asked already knowing the answer. A month later, Tanya and Franklin returned. “So what’s up?” I eagerly questioned them once they settled onto the couch. For forty-five minutes Tanya and Franklin described their dates along with their prescribed planning. Tanya was a force of nature with respect to organization as she left no detail unresolved. From what shoes Franklin wore to where they might sit in any given restaurant. They openly discussed their likes and dislikes until the day of the date. The surprise of the restaurant or concert or event would remain until they arrived. Of their nine planned dates, two had to be postponed because of some emergency or another. On one date Franklin gave away the surprise by asking too many questions about the chef at one restaurant. But in all, the assignment proved fruitful. As they spoke I kept an overly upbeat demeanor that probably confused them. “Excellent!” I bounded after they completed their recap. “We’ve had 9 really amazing date nights,” Tanya opened, “but that’s not really why we’re here.” “Don’t get us wrong,” Franklin chimed in. “We definitely talked more and enjoyed being out, but that spark didn’t translate at home. You know. In the bedroom.” “Interesting,” I replied in confusion. “Tanya, did you enjoy planning every detail of your dates?” “Not really, but I would do anything to make this work,” Tanya answered. “Honestly, it wasn’t that big of a deal because I do it every day, all day at work.” “Was it a problem for you to not know where you’d ultimately end up?” I asked as I leaned into Tanya. “Actually, that was the exciting part,” Tanya responded with a flicker of understanding. “He even blindfolded me so I …” “Franklin,” I interrupted as Tanya trailed off, “did you like having the evening fully planned out?” “I guess,” Franklin answered as though I had asked something deeper. “As we planned each date I thought more about it before the day arrive.” “Did that anticipation make the food taste better?” I asked as I stared at my notebook. “Yes,” Franklin acknowledged. “Tanya,” I volleyed, “how was the food at the restaurant when you figured out where he was taking you 3 days before?” “It was okay,” she replied. “I didn’t love it.” “Franklin,” I jumped again, “how was your day at work after those nights when your plans were cancelled.” “Terrible!” Franklin happily exclaimed as he recognized the pattern. “So our next assignment will be …” Tanya pushed me as they clasped hands like many clients before them. “For the next month, Tanya will schedule every sexual activity that you two discuss with two potential … executions,” I offered. “The discussion, build-up and anticipation of your interaction will drive Franklin mad while the surprise of what actually happens will boil Tanya’s blood.” Tanya and Franklin sat on my couch with their mouths wide open. “Just remember,” I added as I stared deeply into Tanya’s eyes while speaking to Franklin. “Tanya needs spontaneity and surprise to make this work. You may need to bring a few unrequested surprises to the party to keep her entertained.” “And Tanya,” I continued, “you must understand that Franklin’s anticipation must ultimately be quenched or the tease will be answered with resentment instead of joy.” Tanya nodded, but I wanted to make sure she understood when I added, “Don’t leave him hanging.” As they exited my office I was satisfied with where they were headed, but they would overachieve like no other couple I’ve encountered. “We fucked on our patio this morning,” Tanya joyously exclaimed just as my office door closed. Franklin simply smiled with content. “I gave him the choice of a blowjob in the shower or fucking me on the patio two days ago. We texted about it nonstop until he simply pulled me out of bed this morning and propped me against our patio window. FUCK!!” “So all is well,” I acknowledged. For months our sessions were filled with the most explicit acts of lust that my office would ever hear. On the days when one of them would come to the office solo because the other was traveling, they would feel the need to raise their level of detail. “Anal plug or ball gag?” Franklin quizzed me on a Friday afternoon. Where most couples would have shared how things were better, Tanya and Franklin bolstered about how they were now planning sexual escapades out by months in advance. Other couples I found more challenging, but there was definitely a magnetic chemistry between these two that was blossoming now. They understood what made the other tick. Honestly, their breakthrough, along with their openness of constant stories of desire and pleasure, gave me the strength to plan my move out west. “Six months? We have to do something BIG!” Tanya exclaimed when I shared with them my plans to close my office. “You have done so much for us.” “How about Barista vs Bartender?” Franklin offered up with a devious look on his face. “Are you sure?” Tanya answered with an equal sense of menace. “Barista vs Bartender?” I asked, no longer wanting to be an outsider to the conversation. “Before we came to you,” Franklin started, “Tanya and I discussed opening up our marriage. We knew we weren’t strong enough as a couple to handle it but we were out of ideas. Now that we’ve been enjoying this magical ride we’ve been putting all sorts of crazy ideas back on the table. We’ve always had options like threesomes on the table, but they sat next to two more conservative ideas.” “That way we’d have a way out if we got cold feet,” Tanya explained. “But we’ve been dancing around the idea of Tanya giving a blowjob to either the barista near my office that flirts with her when she comes to visit me or the bartender near her office that flirts with her when I visit her,” Franklin glowingly recalled as he shifted his pants to disguise the hard-on that was growing from their description. “Quite a big step,” I commended them knowing that the anticipation was really what drove them. Should they actually act on the idea or not, their talking about it was giving both of them indescribable pleasure. “Next April. Barista vs Bartender,” Tanya and Franklin quietly spoke to each other as if I weren’t in the room. I was a little nervous that they were going to fuck right there in front of me. Wouldn’t have shocked me one bit. And then winter came and life got back to normal. All of my couples were forced to spend time together discussing their issues and enjoying solutions - dressed or naked. When the snow finally melted and spring arrived, a sense of romance captured everyone’s hearts. I was finally building up the nerve to go out with my spin-class instructor even though I’d be leaving in two months. Better late than never. Though we hadn’t discussed 'Barista vs Bartender’ in several months, the thought had always been in the background. I knew they hadn’t forgotten about it, but the topic hadn’t been raised in front of me. Until March. “I have a surprise for Tanya,” Franklin announced after Tanya detailed their plans for this summer in South America. “I asked some of my students to do some recon for me. Tanya, please check your email.” Tanya pulled out her phone and opened her personal email. She had a puzzled look on her face and then she bit her upper lip. “Oh my,” she melted. “I asked two of my attractive female students to request dic-pics from the Barista and the Bartender,” Franklin explained. “Appears that the two young men were happy to oblige. Tanya, any thoughts?” I had never felt more uncomfortable in my life. I had always heard about these conversations after the episode. Never before the act. This was definitely new territory. “Well, I have to say,” Tanya thought aloud, “I’m still not sure if I want you to watch me sucking one of these dicks or if I’d prefer to tell you about it after. Either way, I’d definitely swallow either one of them. I also don’t know if I’d make it a show - ya know, get naked, lap dance, etc - or just unzip and start squeezing.” “How about we talk about it on the ride home?” Franklin said as he saw how uncomfortable I was becoming. “We’ve got a couple of weeks to decide.” As they left my office this time, Melissa scheduled their last appointment. I definitely needed to take my spin-class that afternoon. While I did a pretty decent job keeping focus for the next couple of weeks, I must admit that the couple before Tanya and Franklin had very little of my mindspace. I was anxious to know what happened with the Barista or the Bartender or both. Had they already finished the act? Did they even go through with it? I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then Tanya entered my office alone. “Franklin had to go to London for a week,” Tanya explained as she settled into the couch for one last session. My face must have been full of disappointment to see her solo, so she began to share more. “So, I told Franklin that I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to go through with this Barista vs Bartender thing. The anticipation was unbelievable over this last six months. But the reality of it all is a different vibe.” I nodded my head as I understood her dilemma. “He told me he wasn’t exactly certain how he felt when I dropped him off at the airport,” Tanya continued. “I feel like we discussed every possibility of this scenario and I’m not sure why we are still on the fence. I’ve dreamed of sucking off both the Bartender and the Barista. Sometimes when I’m sucking Franklin’s dick I imagine it’s either one of theirs. I just can’t decide what to do anymore,” Tanya proclaimed. “Maybe the anticipation is really all that you two needed,” I said in hopes of settling her confusion. “You two have come a long way in …” I began to explain when her phone began to vibrate. “It’s Franklin,” Tanya exhaled as she opened her text. I was trying not to be nosy but I felt like I had as much right to know as she did. The air in the room was being baked by the midafternoon sun and I began to sweat until a big smile and a sigh of relief came from Tanya. As she typed back her response, I could see her mouth the question, “Are you sure?” while she bit her upper lip. She then looked up at me in silence as she awaited his response. We smiled nervously at each other. In seconds, her phone buzzed and she sighed, “I can’t believe we’re doing this.” “You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” I offered, when I really wanted to know whether it was the Barista or the Bartender. But before I could ask, Tanya cleared her throat and said, “Franklin wants me to do it naked but with heels on while he’s in London. He wants to hear all about it when he gets home.” I then attempted to unravel here statement to decipher whether her act would involve the Barista or the Bartender. That’s when Tanya walked towards me and dropped her skirt to the floor. Her purple lace thong concealed very little as she stopped just in front of me. With little hesitation, Tanya dropped to her knees in front of my chair and released my hardening dick from my pants with her blue and white manicured nails. “Thank you for everything,” Tanya smiled up at me just before pushing my dick deep into her mouth as Melissa opened the door and watched. Surprise.