#there's only so much therapy and meds can do when he still has to go to a fucking job he hates every day

[opossum-by-night]

(TW: depression/mental health stuff)

Trying to take care of myself, trying not to take on other people's emotional burdens, trying to protect my own mental state, trying not to be codependent... but holy fuck what are you supposed to do when the person you love tells you they can't remember the last time they felt joy or saw beauty in the world and that they're sorry you love them because all they do is bring you down

[bubbleddisasters]

I know considering what we just learned in Caters dream this may be unlikely but:

I feel like Treys dream is just going to be everyone got fucking therapy. And something to do with dentistry and/or a bakery. Like thats it.

Just everyone actually works together in a safe, effective and healthy manner, Che’nyas an NRC student and is able watch over Riddle and keep watch/the dorm in line when Trey can’t and Cater opens up to him.

Like thats it. Everything else is status quo.

Ace and Deuce are still fucking around as usual, Yuu is the mediator, Leona finally got meds for his depression and some therapy so he’s not sleeping around as much, the majority of students are less manipulative and self absorbed, all is fine and dandy.

Ah yes, and You’ve predicted correctly, another Blue Che’nya Rant incoming under the cut lol:

———-

I need Che’nya to pull out his fourth wall breaking shenanigans again. He referenced Yuu’s mirror in Book 1 before Yuu even knew about it? AND The Cheshire Cat has Shapeshifting abilities and is literally the strongest creature in Wonderland only second to TIME ITSELF.

And what do Cats hate? Mice and Birds.

And who, pray tell, gets Alice out of Wonderland?

THE 👏CHESHIRE 👏CAT

You cannot tell me Che’nya was NOT the one who Mickey saw. Che’nya is already mildly hinted at being ridiculously OP.

Think also about Grim. Who has the same color palette and Blue fire as Ignihyde, and the only other character besides Che’nya to have a Cheshire esc grinning sprite. Also, a directly CAT based appearance, not a Lion like Leona, but your average joe cat.

Judging from Grims Design, role in the story and Bow, he’s likely based on Alices Cat in Alice in Wonderland that is unintentionally left behind by Alice when she falls through the Rabbit Hole.

Oh, and the Cheshire cat in the live action? DARKISH GREY AND FUCKING BLUE.

And Che’nya? Who conveniently appeared in both books with Tyrant in the name, conveniently has the ability to slip past NRCs barrier that took S.T.Y.X THEMSELVES SEVERAL HIGH POWERED ANTI MAGIC SHOTS to get through? Without Crowley noticing aswell? And likely teleporting the length of probably a SMALL COUNTRY just to go and fuck with Heartstabyl every other Tuesday or something? WITH NO VISIBLE MAGESTONE ON HIM.

Who randomly knew about our Mirror before we did, and DIRECTLY REFERENCED MICKEY/SOMEONE/ANOTHER WORLD BEING IN OUR MIRROR FROM THE START?? Who has had the ability to FLY, GO INVISIBLE, CONTROL HIS OWN GRAVITY AND LIKELY TELEPORT SO MUCH THAT TREYS SIBLINGS ASSUMED IT WAS CHE’NYA OPENING THEIR FRIDGE AND NOT THEIR OWN DAMM BROTHER, AND POSSIBLY DETACHING HIS OWN LIMBS, SINCE AGE FUCKING NINE (all seen/referenced in manga) , WHICH WE LEARNED SHOULD HAVE PRACTICALLY EXPLODED THE AVERAGE CHILD FROM ROLLO.

BRO HAS BEEN DOING FEATS WE’VE ONLY SEEN LILIA, CROWLEY AND MALLEUS DO.

Lastly, who could’ve followed us throughout our entire journey without notice?

In the Manga, a clone cater got LITERALLY impaled. Theres no way in hell every single person survived an overblot fight with, according to Ace, “A Couple Bruises” without some guardian angel bs happening.

WHOS ALSO THERE FOR ALICES ENTIRE JOURNEY AND PLAYS THE GUARDIAN ANGEL WHEN ALICE NEEDED AN EMERGENCY ROUTE OUT OF WONDERLAND WHEN SHE WAS BEING CHASED??????

THE 👏CHESHIRE 👏CAT

And theres only one person that can pull that role off without detection even if they slipped up, as if Crowley did so and suddenly accidentally became visible or smth, it’d draw more questions. Like wtf he’s doing his job????

For Scarabia, We basically had a magic shield (Floyd) and a Direct Target (Kalim), so Yuus less likely to catch Strays. Plus I wouldn’t put it above Floyd to work with Che’nya and just not fucking mention it. They seem like they’d get along well actually ngl.

Ignihyde is both the most suspicious and kinda hard to piece together, but why did Riddle end up the ONLY one to get oldified when they were likely similar distances to Tartarus. Something that conveniently forced him to pull out of the fight?

Also, you CANNOT tell me, no anti-magic necklaces or not, the magepens would be magic summonable. Thats way too risky and an obvious thing they’d have a backup for. Someone had to unlock it and I have my doubts it was Idia/Ortho, because that raised their fail rate probably quite higher.

Same goes for the Lightning Bolts. I heavily doubt Idia or Ortho would give them access to that at its full ability, especially pretty right off the bat, if the off chance of all three being used against them at once was on the table, since it would practically be the equivalent to a 3-1 hit K.O cheat code or 3-1 Instant D-20s in a row. 9 possible instant K.O shots per team. Thats way too risky. One? Maybe. Two? Eh. BUT THREE? BEFORE THE FINAL BOSS FIGHT? WITH THE MAGEPENS TOO?

Also, if someone had the batshit Idea (cough Epel or Rook cough) to jump down the tower, since it’s literally just the worlds deadliest spiral staircase, and summon some cushioning for their fall and jump to the last floor platform, they could speedrun directly to them with the fully charged bolt, and if they got the rest of the groups to do that, things would go to shit for Idia pretty fast.

They also had the equivalent of a trained sniper with them. If Rook finds major vulnerabilities and tells everyone where to hit them all at the same time, its probably over.

I can mildly see the possibility of OB! Idia getting too cocky and doing so, but I find it doubtful, as I feel he would label it an “endgame” reward considering how OP it is.

It’s been proved before that NRC has it basically on sight with RSA, which works in Che’nyas favor, since they focus on the fact an RSA students on campus rather then HOW he got there.

That, and the Overblotee or more logical guys will probably be like “Riddle/Trey sent Supervision? Yea all things considering that tracks honestly.”

We see this in the game and manga, but in the manga, we can see in the Heartstabyl Finale image that Che’nya never actually left after we see him get “chased out”, and has literally been chilling in a bush watching the group the whole time, meaning he’s likely pretty experienced with faking his departures.

So we can’t hear him, can’t see him, no footprints or footsteps, he can literally clip out of existence to miles away up a mountain on command??? And can unexplainably slip past 500 year old arcane barriers without breaking a sweat???

Bros got The Guardian Angel/ Spy package Deluxe.

Anyway thats just a bad theory but yea

Thats the end of my rant for now I need to eat lunch lol.

[yourclumsyguardianangel]

the seven + a few others future headcanons

percy:

becomes a high school teacher

teaches high school marine biology (idk how it is in other schools but when we hit sophomore year we got to choose different bio classes ie: marine bio, ag bio, med bio + regular bio)

also teaches the mythology elective and is the swim team coach

annabeth:

we already know this queen is an architect with obvious inspiration from greek architecture

learns how to make blue food for percy and their kids from sally

has traveled all over the world looking at different architecture

learns the basics of many languages so shes able to communicate with the locals

her and leo team up to build a small school near camp half-blood for year rounders so everyone can learn consistently but dw they get summers off

piper:

love her but shes a nepo baby

she doesnt act like it tho

”are you tristan mcleans daughter?” “who?”

loves her dad to bits but does not like being seen out in public by the paparazzi

marries shel, they dont have kids tho, neither of them want to bring any into the world especially with america’s downfall and the government erasing women and poc rights

is basically leos big sister atp

leo:

him and calypso dont last, maybe a year and a half in they split bc calypso wants to explore the world and leo is very emotionally unstable and calypso has a hard time understanding

they end on good terms but dont ever talk unless its with a group of friends

he goes into a trade to become a mechanic and owns his own shop

starts smoking cigarettes/vaping

his friends dont really approve but they understand he cant quit just yet as hes not in a mental space to do so

goes to therapy with a psychologist whos a demigod that specializes in grieving and war trauma

they all go to therapy but hes the last one to do it

he’s still the ‘happy go lucky’ guy hes always been but as he gets closer w the others they start to see the true sadness in him

piper and him grow a lot closer after jason died and have a big sister little brother relationship

hazel:

my girl stays at camp jupiter

takes nicos place at camp

horse trainer

her and frank also dont work out as a romantic relationship, they felt that the age gap was too much after frank turned 18 and hazel was 15 theyre still friends tho

hazel often visits leo in his shop

as much as leo reminds her of sammy, through therapy she has recognized that theyre separate people and to not push all her past feelings for sammy onto leo

not only does she train horses but she also teaches little kids basic math, science, and history to the younger kids

they all call her ms. hazel

she prefers to teach the really young kids (age 4-7)

wears her hair in different braid styles after BOO

frank:

my friggin HOMIE

i relate to frank a lot personality wise

therefore i think hed be a 4/20 fanatic after BOO

hes not stoned during training or during important camp duties

but otherwise you try talkin to him and you dont really notice until you look and see the far off look and red eyes and he just goes “huh?”

other than that hes a great leader

after he gets his cool new look from mars he takes really good care of his body including consistent exercise and eating really healthily (maybe he has a soft spot for fast food when hes hi)

him joining the military does not make sense to me

he lost his mom to war, and he was in one himself, idk about you but i would not wanna join the military after being the main character in a war

he studies to be a veterinarian for exotic animals

when no one is around he shifts into the animal to find out whats wrong

”dr. zhang prefers to work by himself” “why” “idk but hes always right, if it aint broke dont fix it”

jason:

rip home-slice

nico:

my other homie

my guy does not get taller than 5’8

stays at camp during the summer to train the new and old kids

him and will get a house together

teaches history at the camp school

cat dad (5 cats and counting)

will:

takes nicos last name when they marry bc its cooler

him being a doctor doesnt click w me i more picture him being an EMT

EMTs are hotter anyways

does med training with new apollo kids whenever he gets time

if he’s not busy during working hours he drops by nicos classroom w his fav drink from dutch bros (starbucks is MID) and hangs out with him and his students

[cozzzynook]

Rodimus being really stressed and not taking care of himself because he has so much going on. His spark flutters get so bad that he ends up having a seizure.

- rodimus over works himself because he gave his high command holiday leave to enjoy it with their conjunxs and he stayed because he doesn’t have a conjunx or partner. He doesn’t even have a frag partner this time around because contrary to belief he does not want to take advantage of his crew or start sleeping around on his ship. He’s not that irresponsible.

- He takes on their paperwork and has their shifts covered. He can’t get Minimus or Megs shift covered by anyone so he just does it himself. Its fine at first but all the caffeinated oil on the ship can’t keep him awake for all the hours needed to help him focus on paperwork. Not to mention he needs more recharge than the average speedster. His spark can’t handle too much caffeine oil either so he’s stuck with a tired spark and dulling frame as he does constant paperwork, long ongoing shifts and gets little less than five hours recharge.

- the cycle repeats for a solid month while high command is away. First aid is about ready to throttle Rodimus to make him get some recharge when Rodimus falls out during his shift and ends up having a seizure right there in the halls.

- rodimus missed too many doses of his spark medication and the over consumption of caffeine oil made his spark beat far more erratics than usual.

- Rodimus is put on berth rest and left in the medbay for optic supervision since he hasn’t been taking care of himself.

- When the others in high command come back, Roddy is still on berth rest and in the medbay in a deep, much needed recharge.

- Drift is not pleased Rodimus hasn’t been taking care of himself nor is Ratchet who wants to take over but First aid won’t let him.

- “he’s my stubborn patient,” and First aid promptly kicks them out but relents to Minimus and Megatron joining the space but only for a brief time.

- the seizure took quite a lot out of Rodimus who had to do speech therapy to strengthen his vocal cords and internal speech modules.

- he also had to get a new med panel for his spark.

- he doesn’t get released from the medbay any time soon and when he does he has to agree to let someone stay with him because he’ll need it. Rodimus out right refuses that.

- thankfully a little visit, forced acceptance, from Cyclonus, Whirl and Tailgate changes him processor and he’s staying with the three in their large hab until he finishes recovering.

- Drift is not happy Rodimus refused to stay with himself and Ratchet and Minimus and Megatron feel the same way.

The only thing Rodimus can say that won’t hurt their feelings is, “I don’t want to sleep in the same hab as a conjunx pair. I don’t need to hear you guys going at it.”

He resorted to saying that after, “I don’t want to intrude,” didn’t work.

Both were true.

But he really, really, really, didn’t want to lay in berth or watch them be in love when he once was in love with them. How he was alone and had no one.

The thing with Whirl, Cyclonus and Tailgate is that he didn’t have old feelings for them. They truly have only been friends and still are. So its a lot easier staying with them instead. He still doesn’t want to intrude but he can’t argue with Cyclonus carrying him bridal style into their room and Whirl threatening to poison him until he’s fully recovered.

“No more over working yourself Captain. There are still bots aboard that want you here.”

Cyclonus words are something only himself and his two partners truly know the meaning of and he has to hide his em field and optics while others are passing them by. The purple mech knows his appreciation and he whispers as much in that moment.

Rodimus doesn’t overwork or over stress himself after that but he does have a new appreciation for the trio.

When they land on a planet with bots and one comes up to him and kisses his servo, he doesn’t push the large femme away.

Instead, he smiles.

And hopes the future will be brighter.

[kncrowder88]

So, I'm in s6 now in my House binge. And of course my brain last night wanted to focus once more on the polycule that is House-Wilson-Cuddy (but also Stacy because let's be real at one point she was part of it). Largely looking at these 4 because honestly they are fascinating. And I really love S6 visual of them because you can almost see how Stacy would fit into it all (but just can't anymore as well).

This is sober House after all. House seeking therapy. House who has hit "rock bottom" and began to dig himself back out (or more accurately drag himself back out). This is a House actively working to be himself while striving to let those be cares about not just hear he cares but see through actions and behaviors. (We see this especially with Cuddy here).

Now, the reason I don't really include Foreman, Cameron, Taub, Chase, or Thirteen is because his team has a different relationship with him. They are - in a sense - like a family for him but they are very much not as close. He isn't actively seeking to show them or tell them things (despite the changes we see). And they have an adamant refusal to see a change (we see it in multiple episodes in S6 as his team pulls a "he's House" lines just like past seasons - they do not have believe he can be anything but what they saw in the past. Reasonable as all they've ever known is addict House). I could dig into all this so much but onto the polycule....

What we know for these 4 is a very rough timeline. House meets Cuddy while still in school. After his first med school (s6 gives us the line about him getting the call for the first school issues he had). Both are students, we learn in s6 more on how they meet as well. The lines don't have the taunting/joking nature either usually have (or any of his close relations have) when discussing certain things. Thus, we can conclude the bookstore run is accurate. Here he tells her she was ambitious and a party girl. She seeks him out (going so far as to audit a class he's in) and they ended up booking up. However, House doesn't pursue her further as he got the call about John Hopkins and put school over relationships.

Wilson is meet during a medical convention, his first wife has sent him divorce papers. This convention is right after Wilson has graduated med school. House we know never meet Wilson's first wife - I stare this as the dating for some stuff is weird and thus figuring out this timing is also weird. We know Wilson brother also disappeared while he was in med school, something like 9 years or so before s1. S6 tells us it was House who brought up the opening at PPTH to Wilson as well. Anyways, this particular meeting between the two was basically:

House - playing music

Wilson - can you pick a different song

House - obnoxiously responds, continues to play song

Wilson- throws something, breaks mirror (expensive mirror)

Somehow a fight breaks out in bar/lounge they in

Wilson - arrested

House - you are the 1 interesting person of the 100s at this convention, I like you. I'm keeping you, oh also I resolved this legal thing with that whole broken mirror.

(Spoiler he did not)

Now, with Stacey, we don't really know if Stacey is before Wilson or right after, but we know she's like 10 years pre series. We get a few joking comments on how these two meet (dollar stripper joke, doctors vs lawyer game, etc) and the wikia goes with the doctor vs lawyer paintball game. For me, I think there was truth to the jokes but the taunting was just that. Taunting. The doctor vs lawyer was likely a truth, but the game type was likely a cover. If we look at his other two relationships, Stacey being at a doctor vs lawyer event or even saw an early lawyer House had to deal with in his career who manages to handle his antics (as Wilson and Cuddy did in their own ways) would result in him going "oh hey". It would also add to the whole not wanting her at PPTH - not only do they have a past and that history, she does truly know how to handle him and deny what he wants (he can't just brush over her legal concerns as he could others).

I like the idea of the 4 knowing each other pre-infarction personally. It makes sense to me. Cuddy seeking out House during her own med school years because "I have this theory for this assignment but want to run it by you" and he just jerks her around but she aces it (she is a Chief of Medicine within like what 8 years of graduating, if that? Like seriously pretty sure she is rather young for reaching that point, which says something). They all be the sort of long distant friends but not all meeting properly till PPTH or one off moments when so and so is visiting.

Besides, you are telling me Stacey marries House and they don't have at least a few friends? Please Wilson was his best man, who forced him to at least invite his mother, and Cuddy was there to ask Stacey if she really wanted this (she does, Cuddy doesn't blame her - Wilson reconfirms it and makes a "I guess he has some appeal to him" comment that has both woman glancing to each other ... should they all marry? Probably. Will they? No it's the 90s and the boys are repressed)

I had a whole point in this post and got sidetracked but anyways .... basically I think I was getting at the fact that like .... Wilson, Cuddy, and Stacey all took on a relationship with Gregory "the jerk" House. They knew who he was and did so not expecting change (I'm aware of what is about to come in the show and I'm already screaming). Part of what hurt them wasn't that he didn't change, didn't grow, didn't magically heal because they entered his life ..... but that he changed because the infraction got him into a drug addiction that sent him on a path they were not enough to stop.

They were not enough.

And now, S6, Wilson and Cuddy have sober House again. And not just sober for a day or however long an ep (or two) will take but truly sober House. And as before they turn to each other when they need it but at there for him. They are terrified of not being enough. They are terrified of actually putting themselves fully out there for him (Wilson though I don't think ever fully stopped - and this has as we know played a role in his divorces, Cuddy has also not likely but we see she has reached a point she can't risk it - she states it in this season as well, she's a mother now). And we see House show both of them differently - he's joking/taunting with Wilson (who returns) and he tries the things Wilson subtly suggests (even if he mocks it he truly tries - and likely stuck with some of it). With Cuddy, he talks and shares and puts himself out there (and he also stops when she asks - yes may take a time or two of asking but he ceases his behavior).

House is showing them growth, and healing. And it's terrifying, because if they accept it and he crashes... what does that mean about them now? How did they fail this time? What did they enable this time? How many times all these years have they wanted to contact Stacey and ask what she saw that they didn't, why she walked (cheated and left truly), didn't stay and enable him, when they did?

Just... I could go on and on about them but I've already rambled enough.

(Disclaimer I pulled some numbers/info from the House wikia)

[katetorias]

Hi :D

Sorry for the anon ask, I'm too shy to ask on your Instagram story whenever you do a qna. I've been wondering what it feels like to be (part of) a system. I can't quite imagine what that must be like and I'm just super curious about it

One of my most burning questions has been: how does it feel to just come into existence as a new alter? You said that Prom is still a fairly new addition and I honestly can't imagine what that must feel like and how someone wouldn't know they were a system after that.

Also how does it feel to be an alter that isn't the host? Does it feel shitty to not be out as much and to be considered "somebody's alter" instead of their own person?

Feel free to ignore this if you're uncomfortable with it. Also love your art of you and your fiancé, so cute!!

since systems are formed due to the unique trauma the specific system went through, we can only really talk on our experiences. since people react to trauma differently, systems (an extreme trauma response), all form differently and have different ways they fit into the diagnostic criteria for these disorders.

im going to answer your question in a long format below^^

• for context: we are bodily 22, and we've been receiving psych care since we were around 11/12. our therapeutic progress has always been stagnant because after we left the situation we were in, we had almost completely blocked out everything that happened. so we had nothing to tell our therapists and we didn't feel comfortable talking with them. we were often dissociated and would just answer questions shortly while staring at the ground instead of engaging.

because of our lack of progress/seeming lack of effort, our mom stopped taking us to therapy and psychiatrist appointments. she thought it was a waste of time and probably saw our mental illness as misbehaving/not caring enough to try to be happy. this kept us from having proper psych care for years. we would occasionally get called to the counselor's office in school and at some point we had to start missing school for therapy again. college had us losing that support and flunking out because of the dissociation/suicidality. we only finally got access to meds after i had to go outpatient, and we've been with our therapist since.

• how we didn’t notice: due to this we had no knowledge that our experiences weren't normal. our mental health has been neglected for years and we had no way of knowing what was happening with us because we had no basis as to understand. we have a gap in our memory from a little after we left our situation to early high school. our friend always says we knew each other in middle school and talked, but we don't remember enough of those years. amnesia can show up in a lot of different ways. we've only experienced two noticeable black outs, the rest is gradual. not remembering things soon after they happened, being told we said things we didn't remember saying, being unable to describe important events in our lives, vaguely knowing what happened but not remembering the experience.

• on forming: When I (Prompto) formed, we had just flunked out of college and were forced to start working. Me and my fiancé were just starting our relationship and were playing my source. My source was a fat child who experienced bullying and parental neglect, being left alone and friendless for years, feeling like he has to change his weight to be liked. We really couldn't handle having a job. we were clinging and desperately coping by consuming my source. Eventually I started feeling like I was confusing things that happened in game with things that happened to me, and my real life memories from years, or even just months before didn't feel familiar. This was frightening, I would cry to Noctis about how I was feeling, how I couldn't remember anything before our road trip (event in source). But we didn't have any resources to explain, I thought I was being weird and childish.

Because of the stress of this job we had, I would spend most of our time in a heightened state, anxious or dreading the next days. Jack (who formed in our childhood to take care of us and our little brother when we’d be left alone) started resurfacing again after being gone for years. Our brain was trying to protect us, but I didn’t understand why I suddenly felt different. Sometimes it felt like I would just leave. I started being told that I was saying things I didn’t agree with again. Jack felt miserable trying to force himself to be me. This conflict and pain was the reason we ended up outpatient, and a few months after came to terms with the fact that we were a system.

• on what it’s like to not be the host: for us we don’t really refer to ourselves as “someone’s” alters since we don’t really have a collective identity (discounting the body we act like). I’ve been making an effort to accommodate everyone, and make sure we get the time we want in the body or just have things that are our own. (Making space for their things/interests. Setting times for specific people to have a chance to front)

This is Nathan’s perspective since he’s been fronting more often lately:

- I actually used to hate being an alter. i felt frustrated that I got torn away from my shitty life to just be part of someone else’s. I didn’t want to exist in the system at all. our body isn’t mine. im skinny and im covered in healing SH scars, and im not hairy and i have short hair, im cis. i used to hate fronting. I would actively wish i could just disappear. it didn’t seem like me being around was helping anyone. dissociation sucked and I would pick fights with our fiancé. im pretty much the only one of us who gets full flashbacks, and i fucking hate looking at stuff for my source online because everyone hates me. or ignores the story to justify hating me instead of just. hating me for what’s actually in source.

we talked with our therapist and eventually i started coming to therapy and she treated me like my own person. she made sure to create a distinction between my feelings about something and Prompto’s. she told me to create a thing i could do instead of be angry which is why i would usually front. Prompto put a lot of effort into making me feel comfortable. it’s like pri could tell how sensitive I actually am. pri designated a corner of our apartment to me and got me decorations pri thought i would like. i got to make my own instagram. It felt good to be myself. when i wasnt forcing myself to be prompto i felt more content. the more i could express myself as a person the easier it was to communicate with the system, i struggled less with memory and i think were less dissociated now than ever because prompto made such an effort to acknoledge us as our own selves.

sorry for the long answer but you asked so not sorry I guess lol. prompto probably had a better closing statement but I don’t really give a fuck. thx for the question

[kawaiipony-productions]

IMPORTANT: My Situation and GoFundMe

Hola y hello, to those who don't know who I am. I'm Itzel aka Kawaiipony Productions. I'm a 17 y/o (mostly Mlp) YouTuber. I'm non-binary asexual biromantic (he/she/they) and I'm also an AuDHDer. And well, I need help. I live in an emotionally abusive household and my own “father” is my abuser. And while my mom isn’t as bad and my relationship with her has gotten better in recent years, she has still caused harm even by letting a lot of this slide.

Around February 18th, 2022, my parents snooped on my phone and found out I was trans. They had taken my phone, tablet, and Nintendo Switch. Which I wouldn’t mind too much if I didn’t purchase majority of these. I bought my tablet myself sometime around 2018 to 2019 with my own money. And I split half and half with one of my sisters to buy our Switch. That is hundreds not only stolen, but also destroyed as they’ve broken my tablet (which was around $300-350 when I bought it) previous instances it’s been taken from me. And I have not received any of these devices since.

Not only that, but my abuser in the past years of me dealing with my abusive relationship with him, h has threatened not only kick me out of the house, but also send me to the military without my consent or send me to my family in México to “straighten me out.” Not to mention his constant ableism towards me. From being anti-vax (a very ableist rhetoric towards autistics), forcing me to mask, etc.

This has led to me secretly doing my job as a part-time YouTuber for the past 2 years now, especially since I was forced to delete the previous Kawaiipony Productions channel cause of him. I have a GFM to help fund me for being able to get proper equipment again for doing my work. Not only that, but also possibly for things I plan to get once I turn 18 such as starting to get therapy, medication for my ADHD, etc. And now that I started dating my girlfriend, Vikki, I want to start saving some of this money to possibly meet her irl sometime next year.

I am taking a few small paid jobs for work right now, but it’s still not enough for my situation. So, you may ask, how can I help? Well, if you have the money, donate to my GFM. My GFM goal is $2,000 and I still need around $1,200 for reaching my goal. I also have adoptables for sale right now for $25 each. If you can’t financially help, then you can share not only my GFM, but my work. From my artwork, my videos on YouTube, and projects I’ve been a part of as a voice actor, animator, and/or artist. Any of this helps support me through everything going on in my life. I could really use it right now. So any and all support helps me out. Thank you all for reading this thread, I appreciate any and all support I need!!!

-Itzel C.D. aka Kawaiipony Productions

Ways to support me!!!

My YouTube channel:

My GoFundMe:

Current Adoptables for Sale:

[kitthepurplepotato]

Chapter 13 - You are my Number One.

Summary: Katsuki is more freaked out about Y/N’s appointment than Y/N herself.

Warning: Swear words, nothing too cheeky this time!

First Chapter Master List

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

It’s 5AM in the fucking morning but Katsuki is already freaking out.

He’s not worried. He has no reason to be; he’s not a fucking doctor but he knows there is no way Y/N’s appointment will bear anything but good news; she’s healthy and full of energy, her movements are back to normal even without the meds, so really, there is no reason for him to be a big ball of anxiety right now.

No reason.

But… he still can’t stop spiraling about the ‘what if’s.

What if she only looks fine and after a few tests the doctor decides to put her back on the meds? His woman is strong, the strongest person in the world but she would break down to hear that after all the work she’s done to get better.

What if the doctor tells him to wait another year before she goes back to actual hero work? Again, she would loose her shit. She would probably burn the whole hospital down out of frustration. Katsuki is not a big fan of rescue missions and it’s also way too fucking early for that shit. He does miss the adrenaline of being on the field but he definitely does not miss the smell of burnt flesh and he might be the number two hero, but he definitely can’t save more than 3000 people in one go, especially as at least half of them are disabled and incapable of running.

“Woman.” Katsuki shakes his still sleeping girlfriend with a manic face. “Whatever happens today you can NOT burn the hospital down.” He yells with a serious face but his woman only snorts at him.

“The fuck, Katsuki?” She laughs and oh god, he absolutely fucking loves her sleepy little laugh. “Why are you the one freaking out? You look I just went into labor.” Honestly, Katsuki wishes that was the case. Even though, now that he said that, Y/N would probably burn the hospital down due to her frustration from being in so much pain for so long. Okay, no kids for Katsuki then. It’s a small sacrifice for the greater good. “What the fuck are you muttering about?” She giggles at him so Katsuki decides to change the topic by pushing a big cup of coffee into his girlfriend’s hands. It works every time. Nothing is more important than a morning coffee. Not even mass murder. Good.

Katsuki feels like he’s about to throw up. His face must be really pale as the Menace looks at him with worry etched into her features.

“We need to leave in twenty minutes, hurry up.” Katsuki makes a hard turn and stomps towards his dresser to find something normal. What do people wear to hospitals at all? His usual attire in a hospital usually consist of a hero suit soaked through with his own blood. Or ridiculously oversized trousers and a hoodie three times the size of him topped up with a cap and a face mask or at least that’s what he used to wear when he was forced to go to therapy.

This time, Katsuki wants to look… well… proper. He’s not going there alone, he’s going with his partner, his future wife (probably?!), the woman he’s so fucking proud of; he wants her to be proud of him too. It’s stupid, he knows, but somehow, it feels like this is important; this is the first time they attend an important appointment together. This is the first time he’s going to be seen as Y/N’s boyfriend. Katsuki feels like he’s about meet her parents or some shit.

“You don’t need to come with me, I’ll be fine alone.” She mutters, but that’s the last thing Katsuki wants to do.

“Do I fucking look like I’m capable of sitting on my ass right now, you idiot?” Katsuki lashes out. “I want to be there, I want to hold your hand and shit. I want to… fuck, I want to be there with you. I want to share the burden. You see, I’m already freaking out so you don’t have to. You can just giggle and be fucking adorable while I shit my pants. I’m perfectly fine with that.”

“Katsuki, you don’t make any sense but… thank you?” She giggles again and Katsuki swears he would be able to survive without water and food and get his nutrients from Y/N’s laughter instead. He’s so fucking fucked, isn’t he?

“Put some clothes on and let’s go.” Katsuki takes a plain black T-shirt and some tight jeans out of his dresser and makes a beeline to the bathroom. “If you don’t have proper clothing on by the time I come back you are going to the hospital in your pajamas.” Katsuki threatens but it doesn’t have an edge.

“Roger that, boss!” Y/N salutes before Katsuki slams the bedroom door aggressively.

~•💥•~

“Keep your eyes on the road, Kats, I won’t disappear.” You smile at your boyfriend who’s absolutely freaking the shit out right now, for no reason at all. It’s a little bit endearing.

You always knew he cares so much more than he’s willing to admit; he’s secretly a big softie for all his friends, even though he does nothing but yell at them all the time, but this is the first time Katsuki feels safe enough to actually show his affectionate side to anyone else and it makes you so fucking proud to be on the receptive side of it even if it’s a tiny bit annoying.

You don’t want to know how has Katsuki felt when you were gone for a day of this is how he reacts to a doctor’s appointment. Maybe you should thank Todoroki and Midoriya for keeping him alive while you were away back then.

“Technically…” Katsuki is about to give you shit and go all nerd on you, but you don’t let him finish.

“Technically, I can disappear, yes, but it doesn’t matter if you stare at me or not, I can literally do that anyway.” You retort scoldingly.

“Sorry, I’m just really fucking worried.” Katsuki sighs, his eyes finally back on the road. You sigh and move your your hand to caress the blond’s thigh, drawing soothing circles on his jeans to calm him down.

“You have no reason to be. It’s over, Katsuki. I’m over it and I know I won this fight, I just need a stupid paper from the doctor that makes it official. I trust my gut and my gut tells me I’m good. Don’t you trust me, KitKat?”

Katsuki visibly shakes at the new nickname you just gave him; thank god you two were waiting for the light to turn green, otherwise he would’ve caused an accident by stepping on the brake so suddenly.

“What’s with you and your stupid nicknames?” Katsuki mutters with the most adorable pout on his flushed little face.

“I can’t help it, you are so fucking cute.” You giggle and Katsuki is about to explode out of embarrassment when a loud honk coming from behind startles you both; the light turned green and you didn’t realize. Oh fuck.

“You are insufferable.” Katsuki mutters in front of himself and the rest of the ride is silent. You know your boyfriend well enough to know that nothing will calm him down right now anyway, so you just let him mutter to himself for the rest of the journey.

For your surprise, Katsuki intertwines his fingers with yours right when you stand by his side after the ride. His hold is downright painful, but you decide to not speak up about it; Katsuki clearly needs this right now and seeing him so stressed about something that doesn’t even affect him in any way makes you realize how important you are for him. Bakugou Katsuki can’t seem to stop surprising you these days, in a good way.

“Hello.” Katsuki mutters at the entrance; it looks like it literally pains him to be nice to someone else for once, but he does it anyway. Why? You have no fucking idea. Katsuki looks at the amused lady at the front desk with a constipated face. “Appointment. For Y/N.” Katsuki mutters again, his face red as a tomato. You don’t have the heart to tell him that he doesn’t need to do this at all as everyone knows your face by now.

“End of the hallway, right side, 235. Good luck!” The lady gives you a thumbs up and you can barely smile back as Katsuki is already pulling you towards the fore-mentioned door. He knock three times aggressively and the door opens; the nurse’s face pales at the sight of the number two hero towering against her at 6AM in the fucking morning.

“Ahh, Y/N! Come on in, your guest can wait in the waiting room until we finish!” The nurse gives Katsuki a forced smile, already knowing there’s gonna be drama.

“I’m not a fucking guest, I’m her boyfriend! I took care of her fucking ass this whole week! I should be allowed to come in!” Katsuki almost yells at the poor nurse, but his voice gets quieter as he finishes his sentence. Fuck, he’s trying so hard.

“Sir, I understand but we need your girlfriend’s full attention. We need to do some tests as well today. Please, take a seat outside.” She points at the bench on the hallway. “Would you like some tea, or some coffee? We have some pastries as well if you are hungry!”

Wow, you do get a different treatment when you are the number two hero in the country.

“Do I look like I need caffeine, woman?” Katsuki mutters under his nose, his hands still in yours. “Just fucking… go…” the blond mutters, slowly letting you free from his grasp.

“I’ll be fine. I love you.” You hug your boyfriend tightly, hoping he can feel how grateful you are for everything. The nurse steps back into the office and leaves the door open for you to come in when you are ready. You didn’t miss the tiny fond smile on her face as she left.

“You are invincible. Whatever fucking happens today… you are… you are my number one.” Katsuki’s head is about to explode. Your heart skips a beat.

“I’m the luckiest fucking bitch to walk this Earth. Fuck, Katsuki.” You can’t stop yourself from jumping on him and kissing him fiercely in the middle of the thankfully empty hallway like your life depends on it. It takes him a few seconds to reciprocate but when he does it gets even harder to let him go; he kisses you with the same fervor, his touches hot and full of desire. He pulls away rather abruptly, takes a few deep breaths then he finally speaks up:

“Go before I devour you in the middle of this stupid hallway that smells like cheap bleach.”

“I’ll be out before you know it.” You smile and leave a last, lingering kiss on the blond’s lips before you close the door on his cute, anxious face. You’ve never been into the whole marriage thing but you kinda want to elope with him right here, right now.

“Let’s get this over with.” You sigh as you sit down in front of your doctor, who can’t hide his amused face as he takes in your red lips and disheveled hair.

“I really want to tell you off for coming to my office looking like that but I’m actually quite impressed. So who’s the lucky guy?” The doctor smirks at you; your cheeks flush, making you look like a ripe tomato but he only laughs at that.

“See it for yourself after we are done here, sir.”

This is it. This is fucking it.

Oh shit, you haven’t been anxious at all before but now it kicks you in the face as you take in your doctors office, the white walls and all the equipment he’s about to use on you.

“Whatever happens, you are my number one.” Katsuki’s words play in your head like a mantra as your body slowly lets go of all the tension that suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

It doesn’t matter what the doctor says; it might sound super cheesy but even if you can never be a hero again, having Katsuki by your side, saving people for the both of you is more than enough for you.

So this is what people call “love”. It’s so powerful it changes even the strongest, most determined people.

You can’t help but giggle to yourself from your own silly thoughts.

You really are the luckiest person in the world, aren’t you?

… Next chapter!

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Potato ramble:

- This story is about end in a few chapters. I gave this a lot of thought and I realized I don’t need to write down every single idea I had for this one otherwise this story will never end and I have so many other stories in my head I want to share with you all, so I made the executive decision to try to finish this in 5 chapters (you guys know me though, that will be 10 lol).

- My plan is to finish this one, take a bit of a break and continue posting only the Deku one for a few weeks then come back with the Kirishima spin-off and then later with a new Katsuki x Reader series. I already have a few chapters ready for both but I’m trying to aim for having almost the whole thing written out before I start posting to not overwhelm myself but I might change my mind about that as I really enjoy to hear your thoughts and add some things you want to see and I absolutely love to listen to your feedback and make the next chapters more enjoyable. It’s hard to be an adult, I just wanna write and read your comments 24/7 😂

- Ah, also! I got over excited and I already have edited the header for the Kirishima spin-off! I hope you like it!

Yes, there is a typo in it, I’ll sort that out later shut up 😂

- I hope you guys had a lovely week and sorry for being so late; I got some bad news from the doctors and it messed up my head a little bit, I also did several extremely early shifts in a row and was dead tired in the afternoon so I had a hard time writing this week. Next week will be even worse so yeah… sorry in advance 😂

TL: @sixxze @iwannahaveaprettyaesthetic @hanatsuki-hime @cloroxisadelectabletreat @cheesenmax @coffeent @smolsleepybat @therealpotatobish @qardasngan @canarystwin @unofficialmuilover @nanamomo1 @mikestuffffs @p4ndawrites @yao-ai

[gabessquishytum]

cw: past self-harm, past suicide attempt Morpheus and Hob have already been dating for a few months, but they've always made love only with the lights off. Morpheus asked about it from the very start, just like he asked not to touch his arms and thighs, and Hob respected his boundaries. Morpheus hopes he gets a pass as the shy, socially awkward weirdo that he is, but the truth is, he's afraid to be deemed broken and not a bf/husband material. The thing is, Morpheus has scars. He had been self-harming for a while, and tried to take his life a few years ago. He IS doing better now: he's still on meds and in therapy, but he finally can control his self-destructive tendencies, and he's even doing much better in terms of his eating disorder. He works hard, and he's got a lot to be proud of. Still, he's certain his past would scare Hob off, so he's trying to figure out for how long he can keep Hob satisfied with sex in the dark and what to do if (when! he's sure that moment would come) Hob asks him to switch at least low light and touch more skin.

Oof, this one made me tear up a bit. To anyone out there at any step on the recovery journey, please know that I'm so proud of you. You are working hard, and I promise that its going to pay off.

I think Hob would obviously be sad to know that Dream has suffered so badly. But I also think that he would be utterly unbothered by the scars. Like, aesthetically? He doesn't mind at all - theyre as much a part of Dream as any other. He's not repulsed, not scared off. He's proud of Dream, and sorry if he's ever pushed at his boundaries too much.

Truthfully, Hob has scars too. All kinds - mostly injuries from doing sport or doing stupid stuff while drunk. There's the one where he got his appendix out. There's also the remnants of cigarette burns on his forearms, which Dream has seen many times but never heard Hob talk about. Hob shows them to Dream more closely and explains that many years ago his girlfriend died and in his grief, just to feel something - Hob used to hurt himself like that.

Dream is really surprised, because Hob seems so... functional and mentally stable. Knowing that Hob has struggled too gives Dream a lot to think about, in fact. Although he doesn't quite feel ready to be under the glare of a light, he decides to let Hob touch the places where his scars are bad. Just the two of them, in the dark together, Hob’s fingers gentle on his skin.

It's another step on the path that Dream has been walking alone, so far. But now Hob is with him. And suddenly a life of recovery doesn't seem quite so difficult or lonely. Hob loves him, scars and all, and that makes everything feel just a little bit easier.

[imp111]

PICO HEADCANNONS 1

trigger mentions: school shootings, depression, anxiety content: slight fnf pico, ooc pico, jumbled writing, pico, pico, pico, mentions of nene and darnell, pico,

author's note: I haven't written like this since my quotev days LOL so i apologize that my writing is kind of all over the place.

(for context, the events of pico school happened in elementary because that's what the wiki says!!!!) 1.) Whenever something serious happens, Pico's instinctive response is always fight, never flight (or in his case, stand around in shock or hide). He only did so once, which was when Cassandra suddenly began to school up his classroom (during the opening scene). After that day, he couldn't stand the thought of dissociating on the spot again. He always forces himself to act. It's instinctual, which sometimes ends up with him being in a lot of trouble.

2.) Pico rapidly aged after elementary school. He lost his spunk and started getting serious mood swings. He already had anger issues before, but this is when it really began to develop. He didn't talk as much and kind of became a loner. He knew what happened was wrong, but it never fully hit him until the end of middle school. He never got an official diagnosis, but it doesn't take a scientist to see when somebody is going through depression, and Pico was obviously depressed. He gave up on completing school and college and everything else he fantasied about when he was a kid. But somehow, by the grace of god, he ended up finishing high school with barely passing grades and an even shitter GPA. 4.) I kind of see him more aloof and tense than what fnf depicted him as. Personally, I just don't see him being extroverted and all carefree. So, with that said, Pico isn't that much of a people person. He's pretty inconsiderate of strangers, but of course he's not going to be a dick unless someone is first. 5.) It took him a while to get used to being in crowds like malls and generally just be out and about again. It took a lot of Nene and Darnell to get it through his head that not every crowded place was a death trap for him. It was a lot worse when he was in high school, but like a year after graduating he got diagnosed with schizophrenia and was properly medicated.

6.) With that said, Nene and Darnell also practically forced him to get his ass out of his house and see a doctor. There was no way in hell they could convince him to get therapy (because men will do anything but go to therapy), so they opted with getting him at least medicated for his delusions. It took a lot of nagging (especially from Nene) for him to at least *see* somebody that could prescribe him something that'd help with his anxiety. He didn't think they'd do shit but come to find out, Meds... can actually help with his depression?? And his mood swings?? 7.) Pico doesn't have self-esteem issues. He actually thinks he's fairly attractive. And yet, somehow, that man is absolutely bitchless. 8.) No, but seriously, Pico needs major work done on himself before he starts dating again, and he knows damn well, too. His last relationship was with a blue-haired twink who was crushing on some bimbo and he was too mentally checked out to really care about him. Even now that he has a better mindset, it's still such a struggle for him to be vulnerable. Talking about his struggles makes him cringe, and besides that, he literally kills people for a living. Maybe if he finds somebody good, he'd change, but for right now he's just going to be independent.

[salty-autistic-writer]

Chapter Five of "Hold My Hand, I'll Walk With You My Dear"

Summary: 5 times Buck and Tommy talk about their fears and 1 time they defeat fear together.

"Home sweet home,” Evan says cheerily, opening the door to Tommy’s apartment and switching on the lights.

“Finally,” Tommy sighs relieved and hobbles over the doorstep with his crutches, grimacing at the aching pain in his hip. Finally no more hospital. No more people coming into his room unannounced, prodding him or telling him to do stupid tests. No more mushy hospital food he can’t stand to have in his mouth. No more. 

Now, he only has to somehow survive the endless hours of being trapped at home.

After too many weeks of surgeries, recovery and physical therapy, his doctor finally agreed to release him, though under the condition that he has someone with him who makes sure he doesn’t fall and hurt himself in the shower, that he regularly takes his meds and does his exercises.

Tommy felt a familiar pang of pain at her words. He hates to be reminded of the fact that he doesn’t have a present supportive family. They don’t even know that he almost died. Again.

Then, Evan told the doctor, “Yeah, I got this.” Without a hint of hesitation.

And Tommy stared up at him, unable to comprehend his words for a moment. 

I got this. Did Evan really just say that? He couldn’t be serious. Spending his precious free time between shifts like that? No way …

Even though there were love confessions now and talks about moving in with each other, this was too much. Tommy was about to open his mouth and protest when the doctor beamed at Evan, said, “Excellent, I’ll get the discharge papers” and left. Evan turned to look at Tommy with a bright smile on his face and gave him a thumbs up and Tommy … Tommy closed his mouth. God. Evan really was serious.

Now, he’s about to discover how serious …

“I already prepared,” Evan says, pushing his hands into the pockets of his jeans and smiling somewhat nervously, “I hope that’s ok.”

Prepared? Tommy frowns. He finally makes it to his living room - and stops. “Oh,” is all that comes over his lips. His couch is covered in several blankets and pillows. Looks like a nest. A very very cozy nest. Also, there is a ridiculously big fruit basket on the side table. And snacks. And his meds. And water bottles. Tommy is speechless.

“Ok?” Evan asks, his eyes flicking between the couch and Tommy. He scratches the back of his head and tilts his head. “It’s a bit much, right? I just thought you might want to have everything in reaching distance. So you don’t have to get up if I’m not there for a moment.”

“It’s more than ok,” Tommy says quietly, still staring. Something warm curls around his heart and it feels painful, but in a good way. “I … Thank you.”

Evan beams at him. “Come on, sit down. Do you want to take a nap or are you up for a movie? I made a list since you are criminally behind every popular franchise right now.”

Tommy limps to the couch and carefully sits, leaning back into the pillows and mumbling a “thanks” when Evan takes the crutches and leans them against the wall. Tommy puts his legs on the couch and God, it’s so comfy. No one has ever done something like this for him. His eyes start to burn and he can feel his throat tightening. He might actually start to cry.

“Are you hungry yet? If you’re hungry we can also order pizza or Chinese or whatever you - are you okay?!” Evan blurts, his eyes widening when he looks at Tommy. “Are you in pain?”

Tommy shakes his head, rubbing at his burning eyes. “No. I think I’m going to cry. And I fear I’m not going to be able to blame it on the medication since ugly sobbing isn’t listed in the side effects.”

“Ok, but are you crying because you’re in pain or because you thought about something very sad?” Evan asks, frowning in concern.

“Neither,” Tommy says and smiles weakly. “It’s happy tears.”

Evan’s face relaxes. He blushes an adorable light shade of red. “Oh.”

“Yeah. This …” Tommy gestures around. “What you did. No one has ever done something like this for me. And it’s overwhelming. But in a good way. I just have to get rid of the fear that I'm too much of a burden like this."

“I’m sorry no one has taken care of you before,” Evan says seriously. “You deserve it. You're definitely not a burden. I love you and I want to make sure you're okay."

Tommy looks away because the care in Evan’s eyes is too much right now. He wishes he could believe that, instead of fearing he is going to be too much of a burden.

“I should warn you. I’m a terrible patient. Being forced to stay at home all the time makes me antsy," he says.

“Well, you’re not going to be alone,” Evan points out, sitting on the couch as well. “And even if you are, you can always text me. Even if I am not going to be able to read and react immediately, it might help you to release some energy.”

“Okay,” Tommy says quietly, his chest glowing. God. How are you so perfect? 

And the fear returns with that thought. Because Tommy is far from perfect. That’s why he’s been alone for so long. Somehow, he always manages to mess things up. What if he manages to mess this up too? Right now, everything seems to work out. He’s been careful. Has opened up in fractions. And Evan is still here. He made all this effort and wants to stay and take care of Tommy. So maybe, this is going to last. But can he be sure about that?

“Are you okay?” Evan asks and Tommy winces. Apparently, he’s been quiet for too long.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just a little tired,” he says, suppressing a yawn. “You don’t have to stay, you know? If you want to go home, you can. I’ll be fine.”

Evan shakes his head. “I have everything I need. I brought a bag. So unless you really want me to leave, I can stay.”

“Please stay,” Tommy breathes. A bit too fast, maybe. Too desperate. God. He’s really tired now. Can feel it in his aching muscles. And his head started to pound again. Feels as if someone would hit his temples with a hammer. He grimaces. “I think I have to take the medication now.”

Evan fetches the pills and pours him a glass of water. Tommy downs it all and then leans back, into the warm softness of the pillows. He can feel sleep reaching for him. And he’s way too exhausted to fight it.

“I’m going to go to the grocery store,” Evan tells him. “But I’ll be back in a moment, alright?”

“Alright,” Tommy mutters, not able to keep his eyes open anymore.

He feels the ghost of a warm kiss on his forehead and smiles. This is nice. He slowly starts to believe that it could always be like this. That he’s not a burden. That this is how a relationship is supposed to be. That he can be himself. And that he can allow himself to be taken care of without fear.

A door closes.

It’s alright, he thinks while falling asleep. He’ll be back when I wake up. I know.

[eddiegettingshot]

okay. mourning s1-s4 tim minear anon here. just finished my season 3 rewatch and ohhhhh boy oh boy. honestly I could write so much about that finale alone because s6 and s7 have made me forget what a good finale can be (athough I will say that the s3 finale has me thinking a wholeeee bunch of insane things about the s7 finale like buddie things and how the writing choices are were insane (complementary) that I will not elaborate on here because Im already rambling too much about how good s3 is). but genuinely all the character arcs were SO GOOD this season its insane. athena (hate the copaganda here but the general emotional journey with athena and athena/may): establishing what being a cop means to her -> showing that not even the murder of her fiance could sway her from policing and finally arresting the man that did it -> experiencing something traumatic first hand that makes her question her ability to do the job again. and then may: hating what her mom does, going as far as to write her college essay about it, then insisting on taking the pictures with her mom for prom despite her injuries from policing/not being ashamed of her. and also appreciating it to the point of also wanting to help people but as an acab truther pursuing a different way of doing it (911 operator. also imagine they made may a cop thank god that didnt happen lmao). michaels feeling of loneliness and isolation leading up to his diagnosis, then ending the season by meeting his endgame and knowing he gets to live. buck starting the season being insecure about losing his place with the 118 and being the person left behind again and ending the season confronting the last person who left him + feeling secure in his relationships with the 118. bobby's refusal to let buck do anything at the beginning of the season due to his injury + general recklessness vs doing buck's suggested rescue to save both victims. both the henren IVF/fostering arc AND the hen arc were great and thank god because the henren of it all was seriously lacking before this season. but hitting the girl with the ambulance -> reconnecting with her first rescue -> introducing her issues with Drs and their ability to listen and help patients to their full ability -> pursuing med school SO GOOD. and remember when madney used to get character arcs UGHH soooo good. developing chim + his mom/albert/his dad more. having maddie actually confront what happened with doug via therapy (btw maddie stalker plot good example of how to do an insane storyline well!!). this leading into the love confession and also the conclusion/start to the pregnancy arc they set up in !!! episode 1 !!! them not just dropping the josh arc completely after the heist trauma he suffered and seeing it through to a satisfying conclusion. and like I do have one nitpick in hindsight like the eddie arc was so good up until he got caught in the fighting ring and he cried about the divorce and then it was just never brought up again in favour of doing the mini chris stories in 3x10/3x12/3x15. like you literally had a chance to address and conclude eddie's mourning shannon arc in eddie begins or the episodes surrounding that and just didnt LMAO idk maybe they had plans and it got scrapped for the buck/red/abby arc because connie agreed to come back because really it was the only thing that did not feel concluded relative to literally every other character arc this season. anyways where is this tim. TIM WAKE UP!!! come back and give your characters arcs!!! one thing that is super obvious from rewatching the early seasons is there is still SO MUCH interesting stuff to explore with these characters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am begging please give eddie a story with a satisfactory conclusion please give maddie and chim stories please stop torturing hen and karen via fostering/adoption please conclude a buck plot in satisfactory fashion please have bobby and athena explore his past properly please make ravi a main

ohhhh my god THIS MADE ME MOURN S3 TOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 what the fuck COME BACK TIM 😭😭😭😭😭 i want him BACK 😭😭😭😭😭

[punkwithpaints]

Currently brain rotting away at the fact that Rei screwed up his dominate arm. You know he had to go to physical therapy, re-learn to write and everything with his left arm.

It probably absolutely drove him mad for a while, having to have Kazuki (probably unprompted) help with everything. He was raised to rely on himself and himself alone, so having someone suddenly caring for him was a lot. I'd imagine there was a point he kept insisting he could do it himself before snapping at Kazuki when he felt overwhelmed. Only for Kazuki to not take it personal, and reminding Rei he cares.

Later on as Rei is getting use to things, maybe a few (very frustrating) PT sessions later he finds it a little easier with Kazuki giving encouragement and praise as he works to regain some usage in his arm again.

"You kicked ass in that session today!"

"My grip strength only got slightly higher..."

"Yeah but it was better than last week! Not even you can take you down."

And Kazuki is there with compresses and meds when the pain gets too much or the bone aches again, bringing him a sling or wrist splint.

Rei over does it sometimes but damn it, he's determined to still be able to pick Miri up with the arm that still works.

Miri would help too, turning boring PT homework into a game cause she knows her papa Rei loves those.

Personally I think he can still move the arm and has movement in his hand but it's weakened and the scarring brings some issues. He more than likely had to have a surgery to fix the bone. I mean he shot it point blank, that bone had to be splintered af.

All I'm saying is, I wanna see Rei's recovery and how the fam helps. That'll it. Send post.

[mayonaka-mizu]

a bit of self reflection…

i feel so confident that for the first time in my life i’m gonna be able to lose the w3!ght. i’ve tried on and off my ENTIRE LIFE and it’s never stuck.

but now i have the tools i need to do this right.

- i’ve had years of therapy

- i’ve finally been diagnosed and medicated for ADHD, which not only helps suppress my appetite but has greatly increased my impulse control! this means logically thinking through what f00ds im gonna eat is a whole lot easier and im not just b!nge!ng because i can’t control myself. the diagnosis has also helped me get a better understanding of how my brain works and what works for me. i have never been more in tune with myself than i am now.

- i have grown and changed so much over the last few years. i have finally proven to myself that i am capable of positive change, having that knowledge makes me feel confident that i wont give up or fall back into old habits like i always did in the past. i know i can change!

- i am finally properly medicated! i have antidepressants which also act as anti-anxiety, and i have ADHD meds. im more focused than i’ve ever been, and im more emotionally secure and regulated that i’ve ever been. i can still have bad days but like 97% of the time i am absolutely chilling and having a great time being alive. i no longer have any reasons for emotional eating! and when hard times do come up, i am able to work through it on my own and not turn to something to comfort me (besides, like, my bf- but he’s not f00d so it’s fine)

- i have dismantled my previous views about food from growing up and i found the root of why i 0ver3at. this has allowed me to find ways of avoiding that and still getting the same satisfaction as i would from 3at!ng (i.e. texture, why a high volume is so satisfying to me, etc.)

-i buy my own groceries now! i go f00d shopping on my own time and, while i do still live at home, im an adult so no one monitors what im 3at!ng, when, or what f00d im even buying bc it’s my own money. 5 days out of the week im at work for 9-10 hours a day so most of my day is spent not even being around f00d. if i don’t bring anything to work then i don’t 3at anything at work, it’s easy!

i have successfully worked through all of the root causes that caused me to get to where i am now, and for the first time i am attempting 4n4 with all these tools. i know i am EXTREMELY lucky to have had all these opportunities at my disposal, i know therapy and medication isn’t always an option for everyone, so this is by no means a “this is what you need to do to succeed” post because i still haven’t actually succeeded. but all these reasons are motivators for me. since i’ve worked through all root causes there is absolutely no excuse for me to not do this successfully. if i can’t do this, i have nothing else to blame it on other than my self discipline and work ethic. all of my excuses are invalid now, they have all been addressed. so if i can’t do this than that means i deadass just didn’t work hard enough. and that would fucking suck, right?

[hiwelcometothemonstersancturary]

How do doctor appointments normally go for the toys?

Depends!

The hospital visit post-rescue went better than expected due to just how exhausted most of them were. Even Catnap didn't have the energy to do much, although he did growl at the doctors and nurses. However, after that, Angel quickly realized the toys hated how similar the hospital was to Playtime Co.'s laboratories, and if they wanted the kids to cooperate, they would need to get creative with it.

Whenever it's possible, Angel has doctors and nurses going to the house instead of the other way around. Lessens the anxiety and helps the toys get used to other humans, but most importantly, starts making them trust said doctors.

Mommy Long Legs is usually agressive. Tells the doctors she's doing better than she is, and is deadly afraid of any injections or taking meds. It takes months for her to not have to get a day or two of emotionally getting ready for an appointment, and some more before she can feel like these strangers won't hurt her.

Catnap is similar to MLL, but he only behaves because his savior (Angel) trusts these people. When he drops the savior thing it's when he finally has a panic attack over an appointment, and when he realizes that yes, he's afraid of the hospital. Dogday is the one who helps him the most with this.

Speaking of which, Dogday is surprisingly calm. He knows these are good people trying their best to help him, and after getting an emergency surgery the same day he left the factory he assigns himself the role of helping the other toys calm down. He treats appointments like a necessary evil, even if sometimes he still flinches.

Miss Delight almost cries every single time a doctor or nurse is kind to her. What do you mean there's genuinely good people out there who don't think she's a monster?! Although a bit fidgety from time to time, she doesn't panic.

Huggy, Boxy, PJ and Kissy are wary at first, growling at the humans when they approach them, but with enough talk and patience, Angel convinces them to trust the medical team. They all get free lollipops and this is their favorite part of any doctor appointment.

Poppy is weirded out, fidgety, and doesn't understand why when she KNOWS she won't be hurt, but then it hits her that she doesn't have to shut herself up and just follow along if she doesn't feel comfortable to. Doctors respecting their patients? Now that's crazy!

KickinChicken is trembling the entire time he's at the hospital, not cooperating at all. He refuses to say it, but after a few weeks Angel finds out he doesn't even understand half the things the doctors are doing. He needs it explained to him in detail and why they're doing the procedures they're doing. After a few months he becomes less aggressive, but he needs someone with him at all times or else he will have a panic attack.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF DESTRUCTIVE TENDENCIES AND SELF HARM FOR THIS PARAGRAPH. Picky is strangely lethargic. She lets the doctors and nurses do whatever, thinking that if they are doing something bad for her, it's because she deserves it. Can't believe anyone should help her after what she did to her friends. Becomes better with therapy, and is a very cooperative patient, although quiet.

Bobby is so scared, asking questions and begging that no one hurts her or touches her without warning. It doesn't take too much time for her to get used to other humans, and she easily gets attached to the medical staff. Loves all of then, but is easily hurt if anyone is mean or uncaring.

Hoppy is grumpy. She actually did hit one or two doctors during her rescue, but after that it's a series of "oh how fucking great, what are you going to do to me now, uh? Uh?", almost challenging the strangers to do something drastic. Also doesn't understand what they're doing to her, but only gets grumpier as she knows more and more. "Is this actually necessary?", she asks, time and time again. Only after months to a year she starts cooperating more, and that's only because Dogday or Angel are there following her to a doctor appointment.

Crafty is completely non-verbal for the first appointments, refusing to say anything that could potentially be used against her. That, or she straight-up lies and/or makes up stories for her injuries and how she's feeling. Needs to be explained the procedures, but doesn't care too much for the details, and stops lying after warming up to the other humans.

Bubba knows and understands the majority of the procedures, and is very calm. He uses logic and facts to calm himself down, and is the one that explains what the doctors are doing when a toy asks. Despite his calm exterior, however, he did have more than one flashback or episode during an appointment, and thought he could just tank through it, as if its a normal thing to happen. Needs to be reassured and calmed down, but also demands others to treat him like he didnt just have a flashback or episode.

Bunzo and the mini toys are screaming their lungs out. He's crying and sobbing and clinging to Angel for dear life, afraid they're going to give him away to the scientists Long Legs always told him about. Needs to be calmed down and gently reassured, and refuses to leave Angel's side. After getting used to the idea of doctors not experimenting on their patients, he's very cooperative!

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part two)

Before continuing from where I left off in part one I have to say something: I go over some heavier stuff in here. Nothing that isn't already present in the book and that I haven't seen mentioned in other people's metas, but I still want to give you a heads up: the main focus of part two is suicide/suicidal ideation and childhood trauma. I mean, this is a The Brothers Karamazov meta about a bipolar coded character so I think you all already knew these things were going to be in here, but I think that if you have bipolar disorder or are close to someone who has it some things could be upsetting or remind you of some unpleasant (to put it mildly) experiences. Writing certain things hits me at least (though not in a triggering way), but I think it's important to touch certain topics as they are core topics when it comes to bipolar disorder and it's impossible to talk about it without going over the ugly stuff. I've also been on meds and in therapy for years and I'm doing fairly well in life now so that's all in the past. Anyway don't worry, this is the only part of this essay that includes these topics.

This said, here's what I'll go over in this post: mostly what Ivan says in The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion, and The Grand Inquisitor, focusing more on the former two than the latter, as I personally find a particular passage of The brothers get acquainted to be one of the most beautiful and bipolar things I've ever read and we need to talk about Rebellion to further understand Ivan's inner world. The Grand Inquisitor isn't really that useful in this case but there's one thing that caught my attention.

As I already said in part one, The brothers get acquainted is the chapter that made me decide that Ivan is bipolar coded. I've even written a specific part of it down and read it to my therapist because I am, in fact, clinically insane. At this point I don't think I can hide how biased I am anymore, not that I ever really tried anyway, so I'll start by saying that this is my favorite part of the whole book. It may seem strange because it seems like such a small and simple chapter: it's not The Grand Inquisitor, it doesn't have the dreamlike atmosphere of Cana of Galilee or the chaotic passion of Delirium; it's not the courtroom scene or the epilogue. No one's getting murdered or hallucinating the devil or getting falsely accused, just Ivan talking about himself and letting us see his humanity like we had never before. We get to know him in the same way and at the same time his own brother does.

Why is this, in my opinion, the most crucial passage? What does it tell us? This is the first window on Ivan's inner world we get and the first thing it tells us, through Alyosha, is that there's a significant gap between how other people see Ivan and how he actually is. I mean, we already had a glimpse of that in the previous chapters through Miusov, Dmitri and even Fyodor, but Ivan was never there. The difference here is not only that Ivan is present, but also that Alyosha managed to see right through him in a way the others didn't, and it's telling that Alyosha asks Ivan if he'll get angry and feel insulted after hearing what he picked up on, considering that it's just that Ivan is after all a regular twenty-three year old. Alyosha even tells him he's nice! The thing is that Alyosha thinks that to Ivan the offense wouldn't be in what he managed to see in him, but in the fact that he managed to see it in the first place. I think I'll go over this and the other characters' perception of Ivan in part three because it doesn't really fit with this part's themes and also I have a feeling this post will get long even without it (sorry!).

Ivan is not angry at all though, he's amused and he takes this opportunity to open up; after all he did say he wanted Alyosha to get to know him (and viceversa!). I think it's important to note that he ends up pretty much monologuing for three chapters straight, almost as if he's used to bottling up his feelings and keeping his thoughts to himself (I'm pretty sure it's actually stated somewhere that he does, I had some little notes I wrote in my phone mentioning something like that but my notes app crashed before I could save them and I can't for the life of me find it in the book, but I swear it's there).

Here we get to see Ivan's rather unusual attitude towards life: he's not actively suicidal in that moment, but he doesn't exclude the possibility of suicide later in life, and not only this is a very bipolar feeling on its own, but the origin of this feeling and the way he explains his reasons also are. Ivan is very tired, both physically and mentally, it's stated multiple times through the novel, but he doesn't necessarily hate life even though he has mixed feelings towards it; on one hand he says there is no kind of misery, no matter how deep, capable of making him want to stop living (after all, bipolar disorder is all about bouncing back up no matter what), but on the other hand he's repulsed by life and that's why he describes his lust for it as inconvenient and against logic. He wants to live but he hates that he wants to live and he knows he'll eventually get tired of it and just quit, and it's something he feels very strongly, all of it. The thing that really sticks out to me and that struck me is that his passive suicidal ideation is very thought out (unlike Dmitri's which feels more impulsive to me but that's another story for another post), like he's gone through miserable periods of his life several times (I mean, the narrator does also say it) and he came to the conclusion that yes, this is bearable, but only for a limited number of years. He says he asked himself a thousand times if it's worth it and after a thousand times he gave himself the illusion of choice: I will kill myself but I won't succumb to my misery, I'll just be too tired to keep living, it will be my choice. With Ivan (just like with bipolar disorder in general) it's all about control and it's something that hits very close to home to me to the point I had to stop reading to stare at the wall and go he gets it. He really does, this is a very common sentiment and experience among people with bipolar disorder and that's why it's sadly one of the mental disorders with the highest suicide rate (and most historical figures with bipolar disorder I know about actually did die by suicide). The constant up and down is exhausting and that's exactly the feeling Ivan's words gave me, he describes the bipolar experience so well I was genuinely impressed considering The Brothers Karamazov was written and is set in the second half of the 1800s, when psychiatry and psychology were just starting to be born. I think it's also important to mention that he doesn't really give himself much time either: he's only twenty-three and he set his own life to end at thirty. It's only seven years, but seven years can seem like an infinite amount of time when you have to deal with what we have to, especially if we consider my interpretation of Ivan and his childhood. What do I mean by that? I mean that this is about to get interesting (and kind of personal).

Now, in the past almost two-hundred years, no one has still figured out the exact cause of bipolar disorder as the exact mechanism behind it is still unclear (to the point we don't even know why the meds used to treat it work, we just know that for some reason they do) but it mostly comes down to two factors: genetic and environmental. It's usually a mix of the two and it's most likely that once again it varies between individuals, but a very common bipolar experience is the one of a traumatic and overwhelming childhood: many of us had to deal with a mentally ill parent growing up due to the genetic factor and many of us went through so much stress and trauma that the end result could be nothing but bipolar disorder. And this is where Ivan's character stumbles in: I think his protectiveness towards children and his impossibility to accept their suffering stem from his impossibility to accept his own traumatic childhood. Let's be clear, all four brothers had a traumatic childhood, but Ivan seems to be the one who's most impacted by it. Dmitri was abandoned by his mother at the age of three and his father forgot about him (just like he forgot about Ivan and Ivan also seems deeply affected by that considering how he reacts when Fyodor doesn't remember Aleksej's mother was also his own), Pavel never got to know his due to her death in childbirth, and Aleksej's only memories of his mother are fuzzy and dreamlike, which leaves Ivan as the only one who actually has clear memories of his mother: an ill woman who probably couldn't take care of him and his little brother properly because of that and who died young (very traumatic for a child); he probably still remembers her screams. There's a very well written post about how each brother was affected by their respective missing mother figure so I won't go into that because there's no need and it doesn't really fit in here, but I think this is a very important part of Ivan's life that also obviously reflects in his adulthood (again, I'll talk about it in the future), and that we have to take into consideration as an example of what kind of pain a child has to go through to turn out a certain way.

But why am I saying this? I'll be honest with you: mere projection. Ivan's words on the injustice of children's suffering resonated with me so much, especially in relation to his refusal to accept God's existence in a world that allows such things to happen. As you probably figured, I'm an atheist myself and I am for the same reasons he is. There's a quote by Sylvia Plath, who also had bipolar disorder: I talk to God but the sky is empty. I won't elaborate because I don't feel like this is the place, but I relate to it a lot and I think it's applicable to Ivan as well. Mind you that I'm not here to talk about religion, I mean no disrespect and I wouldn't have mentioned my atheism if it hadn't been relevant, so please don't say anything unnecessary about that.

My projection went even further when I realised that Ivan is young (we're the same age actually!), what business does he have to be talking like that? Why does he talk like that but his brothers don't? But I also talk like that so here's that and here's connecting the dots, as I started doing a couple paragraphs ago.

Symptoms of bipolar disorder on average start manifesting during early adulthood, which checks out because Ivan is twenty-three. But he already seems to have a lot of experience "on the field" and it's unusual for someone that age, so it got me thinking a lot, mostly about my own experience. I was "lucky" enough (I still haven't figured out if I'm being sarcastic or not, as it can be both a blessing and a curse, how ironic) to develop symptoms way earlier than the usual onset age of twenty-five, which led me to being diagnosed and starting treatment as a teenager (blessing, the earlier you start treatment the more effective it is on the long run), but which also means I was a terrified child fighting for my life on a daily basis (curse, for obvious reasons) and I thought that maybe Ivan's background could be similar to mine considering what I said earlier about his very strong feelings towards the suffering of children; it's still projection but at least it makes sense. I genuinely don't know how common this experience is, apparently cases like mine are quite rare (I've had this disorder for most of my life), so I guess I also take some sort of comfort in Ivan's character due to this.

And with that, we're done with both The brothers get acquainted and Rebellion, so where does this leave The Grand Inquisitor? As I said earlier, there isn't much to say about it in my opinion when it comes to the point I'm trying to make, but there is one particular thing that I noticed: Ivan thanks Alyosha for listening to him, he thanks him for caring. I found it very sweet but also quite sad and I think it's useful insight about how Ivan lives his life and his relationships with other people. If everything goes as planned, part three should be mostly focused on that and Ivan's particular (and partially self-inflicted) loneliness (which is also tied to how other people perceive him, I already mentioned that, I know) so I won't talk about it now. I also want to highlight that Ivan makes a joke! It's not the usual kind of joke he makes though, as we previously see that Ivan's humor consists mostly of taking the piss out of people he doesn't particularly like or agree with, this time he makes a lighthearted joke about his poem that isn't at the expense of anyone ("that's plagiarism") and he's even described as being delighted in that moment. I personally found that cute and I think we don't talk about this side of Ivan enough.

I'll stop here because I think I covered everything I wanted to regarding these particular parts of the book. I'm not completely satisfied with this, but I got stuck for days because it was a little hard for me to write this part, I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible because I had to treat matters I'm sensitive about (hence the slight change of tone between this and my other posts, I noticed and I hope it wasn't too depressing, I tried throwing in some humor here and there), so I wrote in as little sittings as possible and I barely gave this a couple rereads, sorry. It feels more emotional than part one, which is something I am not a fan of but I'm not surprised and there isn't much I can do about it (other than fix my own discomfort with human emotions I guess but I'm working on it). I wanted to write this but at the same time I didn't but there was no way for me to completely exclude my personal experience as it's the main reason why I saw what I saw in Ivan and I'm writing this essay in the first place, but please don't dwell too much on it. I managed to edit most of it out anyway but still.

I wanted to go over Ivan's implied problem with alcohol as well and also the comparison with Dmitri (I mentioned him at the beginning for this reason) because I see the two of them as being two sides of the same coin, but I didn't really know how to include them (I think I'll briefly talk about the former in one of the next parts but I'm not sure how or when) and then I realised these topics can be treated together (as I think they're related) in a separate and more elaborate post that is not part of this essay, so look forward to that (and the rest of this long ass thing).