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indigochromatic · 5 months ago

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Some Basic Advice About EMDR for Systems

(drawing on our own experiences, reading about it, and comparing notes with our therapist)

This is mainly aimed at systems who are considering doing EMDR or planning on it, but want to know what the process is like and what to look out for, with some personal experiences sprinkled in.

Under the cut, because I talk a lot:

General Concept

I think the big picture in our experience is that EMDR is/was like…an intensifier for the kind of headspace/internal system interaction processing work that a lot of systems do naturally, at least a little, especially if they have decent internal communication. This has both upsides and downsides/areas to be cautious about.

A lot of EMDR pre-work (often called “resourcing”) is about making sure you have a good toolbox of “mental tricks/techniques” to be able to handle unexpected intense emotions, feelings, and/or imagery etc that often comes up when you get into trying to work with traumatic stuff. This is in my opinion very important, and something your therapist should take at least a few sessions to talk with you about even if you already have good tools for it already, just to make sure they know your strategies and you’re all on the same page. Also super common and normal to spend some time developing extra ones if needed—stuff like “the box” for temporarily containing crisis emotions when needed, having a mental “safe space” that you can come back to, etc. Also, EMDR specifically tends to often be a little rigid/scripted in the types of visualizations and metaphors you’re “supposed” to use, but in my opinion a good therapist should be flexible enough to adapt to equivalent images/techniques you may already have (like, “imagine you’re viewing the traumatic memory on a movie screen, or out the window of a train going through a tunnel” is a common instruction; if, say, your headspace has a lot of fantasy elements and it makes more internal sense to be viewing the memory via…scrying in a dish or something, your therapist should be down with you doing that instead, if you want to).

As for the sessions themselves, a big thing we don’t hear articulated a lot is that, in our experience and that of some other folks we know, EMDR has a tendency of being…like, sneakily intense: It doesn’t necessarily hit you all at once in the session, which may just feel like “ok, that was Some Therapy Work but I’m chill”, but then over the rest of the day and maybe even the next few days, it’s not uncommon to keep feeling a lot of emotional intensity/vulnerability, having more intense “internal conversations and/or realizations”, etc. For this reason, EMDR is generally supposed to start with a very mild memory-to-process, like 4-5 out of 10 max.

Notes of Caution and Stuff to Keep In Mind

Especially for folks who already heavily dissociate from emotional trauma, it’s super easy to think you’re “going too easy” only to find that the memory has a lot more emotional baggage than you realized—really go easy on yourself when you start, EMDR is like psychology power tools and you absolutely can hurt yourself. (We’ve heard from plenty of systems who had bad therapists who did not adequately support them in doing EMDR, and absolutely fucked them over by starting too big and retraumatizing the hell out of them— this isn’t meant as fear-mongering, especially if you really like and trust your therapist, but just genuine “hey, EMDR can be very volatile stuff, which is part of why it can be so helpful, but also means that it’s important to not skip out on the safety precautions and self-care”.) What this means in practice is often stuff like: (our recommendations at least) - trying to schedule breaks/easy days immediately after - possibly getting someone to drive you home, especially if you know you’re going after a Big Thing, because the dissociation hangover immediately after can be pretty real - start with a memory that feels "too easy", and scale up if a week later it still felt trivial/like you’re fully over it, because it’s way easier to ramp up than try to do damage control.

Our personal experience, in tl:dr form, was that it felt like the core of the technique was really useful for us, and mirrored some of the most useful instances of self-processing we’d had before while also kind of serving as a “shortcut” to it—but, it was pretty intense and we didn’t really like/fit well with the therapists who we were working with at the time, which is why we stopped (didn’t want to keep doing an emotionally intense thing with folks we didn’t trust).

Finally, a bit about EMDR and "maybe I'm plural but I'm not sure, and/or may not have great in-system communication": yeah, this is a case to be especially slow and careful, for all the aforementioned reasons; what my instinct/recommendation would be in those cases is to: 1) make sure you learn a lot of resourcing techniques 2) try to check in with yourself(s) frequently and with compassion/intent-to-collaborate, "ask the inside of your head how it's feeling" and even if you're not sure whether the "reply" was just your own thoughts or a headmate, listen and try to engage with/respect those responses and emotions 3) if you start getting warning signs/back-off signals/sudden intense feelings, listen to them and lighten up, pause the session if you need to, do some self care etc, even (especially) if you don't know why you felt that way and it seems 'odd/random', and really you're super curious about what's going on and just want to figure it out. Like...you and the inside of your head and/or other system members are trying to navigate a complicated D&D maze together, in the dark, and you each only have part of the map--so you have to work together and trust each other, especially listening to warning signals even when your "part of the map" doesn't show anything to worry about there. And the more you work together and trust each other, the better everything gets, including therapy work.

When it's "Death By A Thousand Papercuts"-type Trauma Instead

If you're not sure where to start because there aren't a lot of obvious "Big Bad Memories" that feel like they adequately explain the issues you're having, some recommendations:

-> First, note that "no Big Bad Memories are immediately coming to mind, idk" is super common in systems and also in CPTSD, way more than I think most folks realize, so know that you're not alone and also that it doesn't mean you don't necessarily have stuff deserving of help and support.

-> So yeah, there's kinda two things imo you can try. The first is, if your therapist is on the more flexible side, you can try doing EMDR with either "this specific memory wasn't too bad, but it's representative of an ongoing pattern or theme that wasn't great" (say, loneliness at school or something, and you pick a specific lunchtime memory, which wasn't really That Bad in the moment, but you were kinda sad and/or upset about it and it feels representative of the overall trend you're trying to process/heal). Or you can try just doing the EMDR process on the theme itself, at the abstract level, and see what comes up--again, I'd really recommend starting with a much lower-stakes issue/theme than you think you need, just because it's really easy to underestimate, especially for systems and other folks whose brains dissociate a lot. (And especially if you know your system has episodic amnesia--e.g. event-amnesia/blackout amnesia--as well as emotional amnesia.)

The second is, there are other "more flexible" types of similar somatic therapy techniques (brainspotting is the name of another one, and there's more I can't think of rn) that might fit better instead-- tldr, totally worth asking your therapist about the whole situation, and asking what they'd feel most qualified for/comfortable with, in my opinion. You don't need to be doing Specifically Exactly EMDR to do somatic trauma therapy, even though EMDR is one of the more well-known modalities for it, and finding a version that feels right and not like you're forcing anything is really valuable (and you're not 'being picky' if it takes a while to find one; you're allowed to want to find one that feels right).

#S.txt #system stuff #system experiences #plural system #plural community #sysblr #uhh help me out with tags here folks #this isn't just restricted to DID/OSDD systems btw it should hopefully be relevant for any systems who are in therapy and/or trauma therapy #endo safe

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kneelingshadowsalome · 1 year ago

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Would you mind talking more about Ghost? I dig your interpretation on him so i'm curious if you'd share your thoughts; since i know how COD in general writes these characters and we know romance isn't on the table for them, ESP for someone like Ghost (even confimred by his voice actor too!)

So all that aside, in your opinion, what would it take to win Ghost's heart (or well, Simon's)? :)

It's great to hear you like my interpretation of Ghost! I'll gladly share my thoughts on this, the supposed love life of Simon Riley is one of my favorite subjects 🧐

Thoughts on what would it take to win Simon's heart under the cut ->

To be honest I see it highly unlikely that Ghost would date. I think Samuel Roukin's opinion on this matter was spot on. Simon's traumatic background, trust issues, the need to stay anonymous and his profession as a special ops soldier is just too heavy a combo. His family's murder and multiple betrayals have pushed him on a path of extreme independence and made him evade any kind of attachment.

That being said... I'm a hopeless romantic and love to imagine scenarios just like every other little simp here 🩷💋, and I've pictured (and occasionally written) him to be drawn to someone who is principally the opposite of himself, but who also has a dash of angst in their heart and firsthand experience or at least some basic understanding of complex trauma.

A positive vibes only/sunshine type of person would not resonate well with his darkness, and a carefree joker would only annoy him. Then again, there's Soap – but the thing with John MacTavish is that he shares the same profession and in that way, is not a stranger to the Underworld. Their banter is also evidence enough that Soap is not afraid of Ghost's madness and even looks up to him – actually a perfect way to make someone like Ghost enjoy your company. This man has a terrible praise kink but he can't stand spineless bootlickers. So the adoration should happen in a "I trust you and would follow you to hell & back" kind of way.

However, due to the shit he's been through, I'd say (contrary to popular headcanon, I dunno?) that Simon would likely fall for someone outside the military world. First of all, he's very uncomfortable with the fact that his partner has to fear for his safety. But the fear of losing his partner to the dangers of this profession would be a little too much. It would only trigger a shitload of PTSD stuff. The fear of losing a loved one again would override the mutual experience and bonding through warfare, all the elements which otherwise might be pull factors in a military love interest. On the other hand, people with traumatic backgrounds tend to repeat the pattern, no matter how horrific or unsafe, simply because it's familiar. Still, I'd say someone from the base personnel would be a more alluring option for him. The shared hell, so to say, could make the foundations of this relationship quite dark. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing!

Deep down, Simon would be attracted to softness. Not innocence, per se, just something different from the realm in which he operates. This is why I think he could definitely fall for "a normie". He would appreciate dark humor and a certain kind of fearlessness, however. What ultimately would win his heart is someone who can stand, even cherish, his melancholy and cynicism and life choices and who is not on a quest to change or "fix" him.

I think Simon's ultimate wish is to find a home because he has lost it (or hasn't really had one in the first place). He's a leader and has to provide safety and support on a daily basis to the people under his command. But who offers support and safety to him? He knows how to protect people but doesn't know how to create a safe space, so he would appreciate someone who makes him feel he's finally found his way home. I think he yearns for a small measure of peace and a slice of normal life to wash away the adrenaline and blood and filth, he wants a small corner free from the demons that haunt him, even if he would reluctantly (if ever) admit that he does.

#answered #ghost headcanons #simon riley headcanons

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gaycrittercentral · 1 year ago

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Welp it’s not Halloween anymore (and actually these pictures are from last year hkkhljhl) but who give a shit y'all wanna see my goofy lil Sam costume :D if you were here for my Halloween stream then you already saw this but if not then LOOKIT MY SUIT BOY

Fun fact, I made all this last year and meant to post it then but I was just too lazy whoops. So I'm tryin to do better this time around, lmaoooo. Anyway yeah! Samb costume!! If you wanna hear how I made some of the elements for this and gathered up the rest, feel free to check out my ramblings under the cut :Dc

This was such a fun project. A lot of elements were of course just staples of businesswear, like I found the suit jacket at H&M and the pants at Target (and hemmed them because I love men's pants but they don't love my short-ass legs), but some parts were a bit more complicated. The hat, for example, I also found at Target, but it had the wrong kind of band, so I just took that off and hand sewed on a length of wide black ribbon in its place. I ain't no milliner or haberdasher or what have you but I feel like it came out pretty ok! And the ears were an element that I figured would be a fun addition lol, they are made of fleece I believe? I forget. I gave them a bit of soft stuffing so they're basically two soft pillows, and then safety-pinned them into the inner brim of the hat--that way I can look like a normal person if I ever decide to wear the hat in public lmao.

The tie was an absolute delight to work on. And also torture. Y'know, kind of a 'why not both' moment. I ended up reverse engineering a tie I already had and cannibalizing its inner fabric to make the new one, since I knew I wasn't going to wear the original. The new tie is made with a silky blue fabric that isn't silk that I don't remember what it is because I have a sponge for a brain. Sorry ^^; But basically I replaced the original outer part of the tie with my new fabric and sewed her up by hand (it's not really a machine job as far as I can tell), then painted on the stripes with watered down black fabric paint. I had hoped that watering it down would prevent it from making the fabric stiff, but that didn't end up working because it required so many layers to be opaque, oof. There's probably better ways to go about it, so if you're making your own Sam tie it's worth it to do some more research! Plus, they do sell regular blue ties out there that you could paint. I'm just insane. And tbh I wish I had just bought one but at least I can say I've made a tie now lmaoooo

And I suppose the last element of this is the paper bag Max puppet! I love him so dearly, he was a delight to make ^^ I'd tell you how to make him but why do that when obviously I learned from the original? Make sure to put one in your car ok it's really important

God I love this comic. And I also dearly dearly love how faithfully they adapted it in the cartoon <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Anyway that's it that's all I got!! Also because I've never worn this thing out of the house it doesn't have shoes to go with, I just got some brown socks. I figure it fits with Sam as a shoe-hating person lmaooo. ok that's all bye thanks for looking hope y'all had a happy Halloween!!!!

#I know I keep saying it but stream drawings coming soon!!!!! I've just been busy fjdklghskfhjskfh #also I'm having to type this with my little stinky cat laying across like a quarter of the keyboard lmao #it's a miracle I managed to reach the w key AAAH HE BITE THE ME #sam and max #sam and max freelance police #freelance husbands #my art

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adobealmanac · 1 month ago

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How I was taught to cleanse with fire

Many cultures around the world use smoke and fire for cleansing and purification rituals. New Mexico is not different in that manner, as often I see curanderos (and spiritual leaning Catholics) burning a variety of herbs, woods, and resins to cleanse themselves and their spaces. Sometimes we even use mezcal to cleanse by spraying it from our mouths. While not necessarily ‘fire’, it does have that flame element to it. Spraying mezcal from the mouth is often done to cleanse the body or mind of someone, rather than a space.

I grow a variety of herbs on my property and I often find myself inclined to use them over store bought bundles or incense as it feels more traditional, and connects me to the earth and to my ancestors. My grandma taught me how to burn desert sage to purify a space, which is one of my favorites to use spiritually for cleansing. It brings an energy of healing and calmness when you burn it, and also works great for purification. I think of it as the lavender of sages due to its warm hug-like energy it brings.

To begin cleansing with desert sage, you first must hold the sage in your hands, and close your eyes. Envision happiness, and warmth, and hugging your own abuelita. Think about the warm yellow energy of the desert sage and how it brings that feeling of walking through a winter landscape knowing that you will be home soon. Enjoy the feeling and scent of the unburnt sage. Once you feel ready to begin, open your eyes, and take one deep breath in and out. Now, you must open the front door of the place you are cleansing, and optionally more windows if the space is large enough. The thick adobe of my grandmothers house wouldn’t allow any spirits to leave if you didn’t allow them to exit somehow. Begin by walking around the space with the unlit sage, feeling the energies of the space and finding spots that you need to focus on. Once you have identified the dense spots, you can light the sage. I always light the largest end of the desert sage bundle as I find it is the easiest to work with, allowing you to hold it by the smaller portion. Allow a large ember to form, about the size of a dime. Then, while walking through the space blow on the ember allowing the smoke to fill the direction you are blowing into, as this brings life and soul into the sage you burn. While doing this be intently focused on removing ‘anything bad’ as my grandmother would say. Be sure to blow the smoke into each of the four corners of your house too, to fortify and protect your space. I usually include the outdoor corners too, if the weather is calm enough outside to allow my sage to burn. Once you have hit all of the dense spots with your smoke, place the desert sage into a cooking pot in the kitchen or living room until it ceases to burn. This allows the smoke to do any remaining work it needs to. Once complete, thank the spirit of the sage by holding it again in your hands, giving it a sort of hug, and verbally thanking it. You may leave an offering at the bush you collected it from if you harvested the sage itself, otherwise you could also leave the offering near your favorite plant, I suppose. Once complete store your sage respectfully until the next time you need to purify your space.

Allow the front door and any open windows to remain open for at least 30 minutes after the final ember went out. Remember to always practice fire safety and never leave a sage bundle burning unattended.

If desert sage does not grow near you, look into if it would be able to successfully grow in your plant hardiness zone. If not look into using a native sage variety that grows in your area! In my opinion it is always best to use herbs that are from the region you live in over imported ones any day. And of course, do your best, because no one is perfect. If store bought is all that is available to you then use it! Or, if you already have a store bought herb bundle go ahead and use that. Be resourceful, and stay safe out there!

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calxia · 1 year ago

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(This is part 2 to this ask here, so I recommend reading that first!)

“What do you mean he’s run away.”

Copia was furious. When his ghouls returned to him, he was expecting them to bring the elusive quintessence ghoul with them. He was not expecting Rain to nervously present him with a slip of paper telling him that his youngest had decided to flee.

“That’s what the note says Papa,” Rain replied nervously, “The rest of the pack are currently scouring the abbey but based on that note he’s no longer here.”

“And what would’ve made the kit decide their only option would be to leave the ministry?” Copia barked out. He had begun to pace back and forth in his office and was growing more and more worried by the second. It was one thing having a ghoul unaccounted for inside the ministry, but having one missing off clergy grounds was a disaster waiting to happen. Phantom was young and still inexperienced in human ways. He was in so much danger and he might have been missing for a week.

Rain’s ears pinned back at Copia’s words. He knew this was all the pack’s fault. They’d been so blinded in their grief that they had willingly shunned the new ghoul. They had made him feel so rejected that he had decided the only option was to run away from the safety the clergy provided them with.

“We need to find him immediately before anything bad can happen.” Papa was putting on his shoes as he spoke to Rain. They had been having a lot of wet weather recently, and it was very unlikely that Phantom had thought to take any sort of coat or umbrella with him. Phantom would also have zero money because he still wasn't allowed free access to his band funds. He was much too young and inexperienced for that, which meant that he would be Satan knows where, soaked in rain, with zero money for food or shelter.

Rain followed Copia as he practically ran out of the ministry and started down the drive. The rest of the ghouls were gathered around something just off the side of the pathway and he made a beeline towards them. He shoved through the ghouls to see what they were looking at. It was a ghoul track with clearly defined paw pads and claw marks. The claw marks were clear evidence that it had to be Phantom’s; the ghoul was still too young to retract his hind claws. He also had a known hate of shoes which meant that, wherever he was, he would most likely be glamoured with his bare feet vulnerable to the elements. The tracks still being visible at least meant that it was unlikely that he had been gone for the whole week. The heavy rain would have washed the tracks away by that point if he had been.

“Ghouls, follow his tracks and find him as soon as possible. Mountain and I will follow up in a car. And you better hope that he is still alive otherwise I'll make you all wish it was you.” Copia announced.

The ghouls immediately leapt into action. Copia was never cruel to them, but the anger in his voice made it clear that he would follow up on his threat if needed. They took off after the tracks with speed, following the faint traces of his scent that had somehow not been washed away by then. They followed the ghoul tracks to the ministry gates, where they turned into barefoot human tracks. They faced towards the nearest town, so the pack followed in that direction. They stuck to the wooded verges by the tracks so that they could remain travelling at speed without being seen. They followed the tracks for another 10 miles, clearing the ground much quicker than the kit would have been able to shifted. The human tracks then stopped.

The tracks had come to an end, yet there was no sign of the missing ghoul. His scent was still fresh too and there were no recent human scents to suggest he hitched a ride. It was as if he’d just vanished into thin air.

“What are we supposed to do now?” hissed Rain, his tail angrily swishing behind him.

“He couldn't have vanished so he’s gotta be somewhere around here.” Cirrus pointed out to them. This whole time Aurora had been snuffling through the undergrowth like some kind of demonic dog. She could smell the fatigue and pain sullying his crisp, sweet scent and the underlying acrid tang of fear. The scent couldn’t have been older than half an hour for her to still be able to make out the emotional undertones clearly. She started circling around the other arguing ghouls trying to pick up where the scent was freshest to follow. One by one the ghouls pause their arguing to watch her and try to work out what she is doing.

“Aurora darling, what on earth are you doing?” asked Cumulus. Aurora did not pause to reply to her, instead continuing to circle before fixing in one direction.

“He went that way.”

She was facing down a steep hill dotted with thorny undergrowth and leaf litter, which would easily be able to hide both human and ghoul footsteps. There were some patches where the undergrowth had been slightly flattened and displaced too.

Without hesitation the ghouls started following Phantom’s trail again, leaving Cumulus at the roadside so she could flag down the car when it passed. The scent has formed a strong trail again and leads all the way to the muddy lake at the bottom of the hill. The rain had caused the water levels to rise and the waters were churning and unhappy. Phantom’s scent was strong, but they couldn’t see any sign of him. They move closer to the river and notice a vaguely humanoid lump in the mudbanks. They rush forward towards it and it shudders with a pained animalistic groan.

The lump was Phantom.

#part 3??#phantom ghoul #nameless ghouls #rain ghoul #the band ghost #cumulus ghoulette #cirrus ghoulette #aurora ghoulette #copia #ghost headcanons #ghoul headcanons #calxwrites #the runaway

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vaguely-concerned · 1 year ago

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BEHOLD! The list of evidence for my bold claim that Pan and Freddie dislike each other ferociously on sight because they are, in some key ways and despite appearances, very similar people:

- First instinct upon seeing Grace sad is to try to make her laugh to cheer her up. (See: Freddie’s very first lines in the game starting off as she means to go on, and about half the things Pan ever says or does lol. In the last scene with him before The Trial you can even tell him you’re there just because you wanted to talk to him and have something cheer you up.) General sources of levity and fun and play in Grace’s life if you seek them out.

- They react with similar anxiety to the idea of Grace being really angry with them (Freddie’s surprised/dismayed “Why are you angry at me?!” in the red route of ‘I Can Teach You’, the millenia-old god of the wild hiding behind a tree for ten minutes because he thinks Grace might be about to yell at him lmao <3)

- Both of them seem to have similar interpersonal insecurities in general, judging by the enforced choice between them in ‘I Can Teach You’ (I love you both so much but oh my god. is this a constructive use of time or energy under the circumstances lol), softened and alleviated by the fact that at the end of the day the most important thing to either of them is that Grace is happy. It isn’t possessiveness, but there is an element of underlying ‘Hey. Hey I am your favorite right?? 🥺’ insecurity there that trips them both up to begin with. Once you play the game and go back to look at this scene again knowing everyone’s real motivations, they’re even coming from the same place deep down — genuine fear for Grace’s safety and wanting to help her. (Freddie uncomplicatedly out of love🥹, and Pan at that stage probably more out of a guilty sense of responsibility, though he does seem to take a shine to Grace herself pretty quickly as well. Also he demonstrably isn’t, uh. Completely wrong in saying Freddie’s involvement in this whole mess is likely to end in tears, even if he is being a real dick about it)

- If you don’t choose either in ‘I Can Teach You’, they both show up within minutes of each other to watch Grace’s back in the Medusa quest anyway. One brain cell ping pong and no one notices because they keep trying to swat each other with the racquets whenever Grace glances away for a second

Sidenote but flirting with both of them one after the other in that quest is fucking hilarious, they’re just taking turns ‘Really? Right in front of my salad?’-ing directly at the camera (...listen I feel that there is a chance that as long as they kept Grace between them the whole time there could be a thing here. I think a possible universe out there where it happens at least once does exist if one cared to go seek it out. That’s all I’m saying.)

- Seems a bit obvious but what else am I here for: both very drawn to Grace no matter what main trait you choose. Whether this is true vice versa is of course player-dependent, but it is one way you can play the game.

- Incredibly similar defensive reactions to being picked on or sniped at (and no hesitation whatsoever in subjecting each other to exactly that immediately anyway haha)

- A bit dark when you think about it, but they both express the sentiment that it would be better for them to step in and die if it means Grace lives. (Freddie very directly of course ;______; and then in ‘It’s time’, Pan in ‘The Trial’ and the little talk you have with him later in Athena’s office.)

Matching ‘ride or die’ instincts once awoken, is what I’m getting at. Freddie gets extra points for sheer longevity and constancy, Pan gets extra points for getting there in a week. You’re both unhinged (affectionate)

- They’re the only ones among the main cast wearing green, right? I think I’ve got that right? Well, Charon does too, I suppose, but he’s a bit more peripheral. (Persephone and Aphrodite wear blue-green, but that seems more associated with death and the underworld and the river of grief everyone keeps using as a metaphor throughout the game.) Somehow I find the idea/metaphor that once you get Pan out from under like three layers of bullshit he’s the same colour as Freddie (who is inarguably The symbol of devotion and steadfastness in this game no matter your choices) quite sweet.

- Nerds. You know I am right. Slightly different kinds of nerd (Freddie is distinctly geek-flavoured and Pan collects rare books for sport sort of distinction), but still. Oh my god. Freddie should get the whole cast together to play D&D in the Reliquary post-game. It would be absolute carnage. It would be glorious hilarity. *GASP* no wait not the Reliquary, let’s go to the Underworld so Charon gets to play too. For the love of all that is good give this to me now please I need it

- The only two people who think Freddie losing control of her powers and causing a dance number at a funeral is hilarious

In short this is a recognition of the self through the other (derogatory) situation for both of them and neither of them decides to take that with any dignity or grace (ahaha) in the slightest, I love them very much, thank you and goodnight

#stray gods #stray gods freddie #stray gods pan #grace x freddie #grace x pan #grace x freddie x pan #stray gods meta #if you could grace this thing with that word it's mostly for book keeping reasons for myself haha

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teapartypenguin · 9 months ago

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Fairy Tale Allusions in Yugioh 5Ds

So I was rewatching 5Ds and Akiza's duel against the knight dude got me thinking about the fairy tale allusions in her design and arc, and thinking about it more got me to realize that 5Ds actually has a lot of loose fairy tale allusions throughout it. So here are just a couple of the ones I noticed:

Akiza in general: Akiza's first duel of the series was already really heavy with the knight vs. witch symbolism. It also got me thinking about the "Princess, Witch, and Prince" theme from Revolutionary Girl Utena. A very basic rundown of what Utena says on it is that people will try to sort women into a box of good (Princess) or bad (Witch) based on how much they conform to the concept of what a girl should be like, a good Princess has to trade independence for protection from a Prince, any girl that doesn’t agree is a Witch. Problem is that no woman is ever just one of those things at a time, and Akiza definitely isn't. She is at first feared for her power, labelled the evil Black Rose Witch, and attempts to find comfort and safety in her "Prince" (Sayer). Only when she meets Yusei and the gang and finds acceptance from them and her parents do we see that she's actually a very kind girl. And even then, she doesn't go trading one Prince for another, she's never as reliant on Yusei as she was with Sayer and maintains her independence. Also just her deck in general carries the theme with fairy tale-like imagery (roses, knights, witches, fairies, and a dragon).

Akiza + Yusei: These two are basically Beauty and the Beast. I am a major faithshipping fan, but even if you take out the romantic aspects, it still fits. Yusei being Beauty and Akiza being the Beast for obvious reasons. The scene with Yusei waking Akiza in the hospital also gives major Sleeping Beauty vibes as well (this scene also owns my soul).

The rose imagery also still fits with both of them.

Yusei: He's Cinderella: he's a poor boy, goes to a ball that he wasn't supposed to go to (Neo Domino), has to leave at midnight (gets arrested), but leaves behind a "glass slipper" (the mark of the Crimson Dragon) that makes it so that the prince (Godwin) can track him down and give him another shot at freedom (not for altruistic purposes of course, but it still fits).

Jack and Carly: Scoopshipping are The Little Mermaid. The mermaid (Carly) falls in love with the prince (Jack), but for certain reasons, they cannot be together. Said mermaid makes a deal, by trading her soul, she gains legs (Dark Signer abilities + duel runner) which allows her a second chance to go after the prince. But the prince rejects her proposal (because she's undead and evil now), and the mermaid concedes. But being unable to hold up her end of the deal, she turns into sea foam and dies (turns into dust and dies).

Leo and Luna: Luna's deck already has a loose fairy forest type theme (and in the manga, has a Fairy Tale archetype). I want to say they're Hansel and Gretel. Has the same beats of two siblings getting lost in the woods (Luna with her spirit world adventure, Leo dueling Devack with "Closed Forest" up). But most of it comes from their duel with Devack, in which Hansel (Leo) stalls the witch (Devack) for as long as possible until Gretel (Luna) can kill the witch by pushing him into the oven (win the duel). You could also say that Luna's arc of freeing Ancient Fairy Dragon has elements of Rapunzel (saving the princess from the witch that locked her up).

Those are at least the ones I noticed. I doubt all of them were intentional but it's interesting when you make the connections. Let me know if there's any I missed because I'm not done with my rewatch yet and don't have anything for Crow. Feel like Team Satisfaction and Neo Domino City have Wizard of Oz parallels, but haven't got enough info to say how yet.

#yugioh #yugioh 5ds #aki izayoi #akiza izinski #yusei fudo #jack atlas #carly carmine #leo and luna #rua and ruka #faithshipping #scoopshipping #revolutionary girl utena #rgu

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rosettyller · 5 months ago

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some thoughts on what is going on in tmagp so far

What is “the Protocol”?

So far, we know of 4 instances of the Protocol being carried out. They are:

The Great Fire of London* (1666)

Burning down of Isaac Newton's lab (1684)

Burning down of Magnus Institute (1999)

Burning down of Hilltop Centre* (2016)

*Not explicitly stated but pretty clear that's the message we're supposed to take away

Now, these all have fire in common. Likely that this is just because fire is a very effective way of destroying things. However, fire is also one of the four basic elements in alchemy, associated with the humour yellow bile, and rising energy, and with aspiring to reach the divine above.

Sam states that Starkwall burned down the MI; from this we can conclude they were the security people who burned down the Hilltop Centre. We know they were at one point affiliated with the OIAR, but this ended after the MI burned down. Because they shouldn't have burned it down? Because they weren't secretive enough?

I think the main question now is, What is the purpose of the Protocol?

Robert Hooke states it's for safety, but this also interests me:

“children of Adam” I assume is humans -> transforming people - almost like avatars? transformation is certainly a recurring theme at the moment.

But from around the 17th century, alchemy was beginning to decline, and not be looked on as well - not “Good Science”.

So the Protocol is likely stopping something to do with alchemy - and Newton was creating the Philosopher's Tree, a precursor to the Philosopher's Stone.

However, it being specifically the Philosopher's Stone doesn't tie into the others.

This quote implies the burning was in response to the Plague. The fire burned down about 80% of the city, and did actually benefit the city quite a bit; there were very few deaths from the fire itself, although many people died from lack of shelter in the winter; it cleared out yucky-plagued stuff, and allowed for rebuilding from a clean slate - the area of central London it burnt down had houses very closely packed together. A comet in 1664 had beeen taken as an omen of doom, and then in 1665 the Plague hit particularly hard. Then 1666 - the devil's number.

Perhaps here, the Plague had a human/avatar origin. Something similar to the Corruption?

continued under the cut

Now, there's nothing really explicitly linking to alchemy in the Hilltop Centre, although all those items were certainly being brought there for a purpose. If they were trying to achieve something like a ritual, then that would be similar, making sense for Starkwall to go after them.

Then we have the Magnus Institute.

It's interesting that only the main facility in Manchester was burnt down; perhaps the project that caused the enactment of the Protocol was focused there.

The statement about the dice was given to the Manchester facility; the subject/agent/catalyst is common to all magnus statements, but the referral implies catalytics isn't at Manchester? Meaning Subject or Agent-focused stuff is?

Alice also mentions some of the old people at the OIAR mentioning the Protocol; this implies that the OIAR were somehow involved in the MI being burnt down, not Starkwall going off on their own.

Darrien's statement also gives us some interesting info. He was a candidate - candidate for subject/agent perhaps?? "Mutare Materia" implies they were looking into parallel universes & perhaps travel between them; Welling may refer to the Welling in London - maybe they had a facility there? However it seems to imply they're just keeping Darrien where he is (at the Oxford Outreach Centre) so at least some of this project must be based there.

What's the deal with the Entities?

So in contrast to the original universe (U1), this universe seems to have entities of positive and negative emotions, but they seem to function the same way as the Fears. I don't think they are (all) new to this universe; Lena speaks like they're not new, and Ink5oul has been becoming an avatar since at least 2020; the voices started in 2023, and if we assume that was Jon, Martin, the Fears and possibly Jonah entering this universe, then there must already have been some. She also mentions balance.

Which is interesting given what Colin's said. In alchemy, sulphur is associated with the soul, mercury with the mind. Alchemy is also all about balance, and incorporating the base elements in the correct proportions.

I suppose that links into emotions - they all have a reason. Even emotions like fear - they stop you doing stupid things (sometimes). Anxiety leads you to properly prepare for something. etc. But you can't have too much of any one emotion. (And also, human beings are complex. We can feel lots of different emotions at the same time.)

And now, with the addition of fifteen Fear entities, all this is out of balance.

What were the Magnus Institute doing?

I touched on this above, however, there's still a lot more they were doing that we have absolutely no idea about. They had Sam and Gerry there - for what? If they're doing something with the entities, and these entities are emotion-based, it's interesting that they're testing empathy. And that Sam (98% empathy) and Gerry (95%) both weren't what they wanted.

Also - Connor Dyer was there. Is that why Alice seems to know so much, and be trying to ignore it so hard?

Are Chester and Norris Jon and Martin?

...and does this universe have another Jon and Martin too? And if not Jonah, who is Augustus?

It has to be them, in some form. It can't just be this universe's jonmartin needed some money so did some recording as text-speech thingys. It would be mean, if that was all it was. Chester seems to be gaining power and responding to characters. Why was Augustus so much rarer than the other two? Why does Chester keep pointing towards the MI? Because he's Jon and he used to work there in other other universe and knows what it is, or because he knows something about this universe's MI? Why doesn't the OIAR get more MI statements, if they're basically doing the same thing?

and why did Celia get brought through? and what happened to georgie? (i'll probably make another post, i have more thoughts.)

#the magnus protocol #tmagp #magpod #sorry a lot of this is stuff we know. i just need to set it out. think out loud

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maneaterwithtail · 5 months ago

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Did Elf Senshi Change or Not

Figured post character development, at the least result of red dragon, use his mithril knife. Maybe tear clothes to make cloth shield

I realize the gag is supposed to make him super duper p**** looking While still committing to the same bit of just standing there and being archetypical even to a goofy degree just elegant Alf as opposed to doofy dwarf

The problem is you have to turn off every other aspect of his personality and behavior in order to get the gag to work to the extreme it goes to

And as even more so in the episodic presentation but especially what came before you figure he would be all about committing himself to a pragmatic solution for his current predicament and group utility.

OK sure not carrying his PAN because it's too heavy for him. so why isn't he carrying anything else that can cook or keep food abd provide safety with or make sure he's armed because he definitely knows how dangerous the dungeon is and how critical it is to have some sort of tool in order to affect violence that might be necessary for living

Contrast and compare say how he introduced the golems to how he's handling the gargoils

Now it's understandable, the gargoyles are new and the golems are known and familiar

And it was pointed out he has a tendency to use his weapons in such a way that he runs them down as opposed to keeps them in the best condition. the exception being his cooking implements which he treasures immensely which might be due to his own single focus on cooking or the fact that you know they're ancestral keepsakes from the closest thing he has to family and the only property he's probably had most of his life

Which is strike 2 on the whole him just leaving the PAN behind because he's kept it with him for literally decades at this point so it's too heavy that's why I left it seems an odd decision (empty and all carrying make more sense)

Having his knife on hand makes perfect sense because a knife is incredibly practical tool that you can use in a variety of situations that are likely to come up especially in combat exploration or survival situations

To be fair that is a knife that he seems to reserve almost exclusively for elements of cooking or at least did until the dragon situation. So naturally at this time it should be readily available for him. Especially as he's just recommitted himself utterly and completely to the good of the group.

And the previous incident had him more or less coming clean and being more open.

so if the issue is " I don't know how to fight without my normal strength and tools" you think he would express this at some point to his leader so that that way he's prepared or ask what to do next when it comes up.

The implication is when he's been Blunt before yes he is doing so but it's also with an unspoken level of communication based on instruction and cooperation such as the incident with the shiki Gami

There 3 members of the party effectively coordinated an attack that was able to come together. With the implication that if not exactly planned this, he knew how to act in conjunction with his friends

Again all of this disappears when he becomes an elf. he apparently loses all sense of unity with the party that he's remarkably been able to work alongside and definitely has been developing this rapport about

He doesn't communicate critical information that would be relevant to ongoing practical concerns nor is he prepared for a likely upcoming practical concern

And he betrays his own limited Arbitrary but established stubbornness such as With regards to keep sakes or sticking to a certain lifestyle or collection even if it's Deviant from his race or others expectation

Simply put Senshi has been surviving in the dungeon on practical terms for very good reasons for a very long time.

I can understand why for instance he could walk around with a broken axe until he got to the point where he could replace it either from a corpse or earning enough coin to go into town and buy one

I could understand for instance him leaving his equipment in one place and then coming back to it later if believe it's critical for his own safety or recovery

None of these apply here and more importantly the party knowing it's roles and how to be armed and what to expect is absolutely critical. so much so that this first off not being taken care of in a passport or between scene is already a bit dubious. We see scenes of them dressing and of them basically rearranging to the circumstances as they are

For instance it makes sense to me that Marcel fired a magic shot even though she doesn't have as much in the tank. it's established very early on how much she is all about and prides herself on magic as well as can often overlook practical concerns and practice and also the realities of things that she might know intellectually but is unfamiliar with in practice.

That's in fact her very constant gag! Though they definitely find new ways to explore that. just the previous episode, for instance, in terms of making familiars As well as designing how to maximize their use

So she keeps hold of her staff, because that's her item. the only one experienced in order to use it especially now, and she instinctively uses too much magic because that's her first instinct at almost all times but then due to a recent disability she has not adjusted to she's taken out of the fight as a direct result

The same as when lios tires out in mid fight. he's gotten used to the strength. so he naturally assumes that that's going to come with stamina only to realize, especially in a fight, that's not the case. but he's only recently had this body and recently addressed its physical realities and this is the first major physical confrontation he's had.

but note he still has armor and he still has a weapon

Chilchuk - I think this is missing in the actual episode z but he just comments how weird his senses feel and when he sticks to his normal strategy of run like hell and hide in a corner. it doesn't work explicitly because he's so big and probably draws greater agro now or nit used to running in this body with these senses

It also makes sense he doesn't compensate for it. he's been established as someone who doesn't regularly fight. the one skill in fighting he's started to establish as firing arrows. I don't think he actually had the bow and Arrows available. and he was up against Stone monsters this time. so understandably didn't even bother to try. especially in a situation that was unfamiliar to him. he's been established as - I don't want to say cowardly but definitely does not stick his neck out unless he absolutely has to though he will try to save someone if they are in danger **which is something we actually see him do**

Nstsumi has a tendency to go on a bit of a feral attack given Traits of animal instincts as a result of her own modification. Hers is arguably the biggest change but 1, she is less established so there is more leeway. 2, we are literally given a reason for it right when it happens. new animal, new instincts. so she doesn't know how to control or respond to them. So she has to be worked around on that level. It's a major change but it's also a major change that's the focus on the scene and folks working on it

But Senshi's there's this major change but then he says there isn't one which doesn't hold up. To be fair he did do the " stand there and look hot "during a battle one time. specifically the Fallon chimera. but even that 1 kind of made sense, because there were Multiple other fighters and he did have a strategy at hand.

'Appease the leader who was threatening the group by having the meal prepared.' it was a weird strategy but again it falls within the 2 sort of obsessions that he's known for and sticks to stubbornly.

Also the threat before then was that the mixed party would basically start fighting each other and in fact a fight had nearly broken out before the chimera attack and he was already doing that so he just didn't change course in order to attack what was already being addressed or at the very least stay out of the way so that he didn't ruin the one strategy he did have when the very attack ran the risk of reigniting interparty conflict

It was certainly Blunt and stubborn and arbitrary but it wasn't thoughtless or Without group concern.

So yeah I do think the transformation in terms of practical effect had way more of a change than I think even he is willing to admit. To be Fair reading his diary versus watching him in a narrative you get the sense yeah you get inside on what he's thinking but you also realize the way he's thinking doesn't necessarily reflect all that's true even in regard to just himself

As an example, the entire hypogriff soup entry is remarkably very truncated and doesn't explain a lot of what's going on

In fact they're surprisingly amount of stuff he glosses over in terms of what he thinks of as relevant or worth noting or reminding himself about

Which hits at a much more mired or thick headed psyche than one might think as opposed to project a deeper wiser one.

#delicious in dungeon #dungeon meshi #character analysis #senshi of izganda #senshi dungeon meshi #changelings

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savagewildnerness · 5 months ago

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Slightly more complete thoughts on S2E3, No Pain…

Daniel’s list - he’s worried about his family… about their safety

Raglan James is so confusing. I don't know what to make of it...He seemed so David Talbot-esque... so will David be mixed between Raglan and Daniel? Or will he appear too? And if he is a character drawn from other characters, will he have Raglan’s malice… because it certainly wasn’t evident in this episode…. In TTOTBT there is a clear aura of bad intent with Raglan and I didn’t feel that here

I thought the children of darkness set up was really effective. Assad as Armand in this era was so great - jaded, depressed, hopeless. In fact, I thought Assad was brilliant in the whole episode

Harlequin Lestat was so beautiful, and so elegant for an (Auguste!) clown! But there as also a layer of triteness to the character and to Lestat’s view of acting it seemed that unnerved me. Armand told it like Lestat was naturally charming, but acted only as he liked the attention. That’s NOT Lestat’s motivation. And the comic nature of the character slightly undermined for me even Armand’s response to Lestat. And I loved Armand’s covetous desirous looks to Lestat…. But you don’t need Lestat as a Harlequin displaying his bum, as if to Armand to make your point…. Though I enjoyed that at least they made it clear Lestat refused Armand (even if only at first from Armand’s telling…)

It’s the episode Lestat has so far been in the most, yet is also the first episode where no scene with him in made me cry... (Bad times in my life currently, admittedly)

I loved the use of French, but I found it frustrating how little of the French was subtitled. I want to know what people are saying! I was not lucky enough to ever have been taught even a word of French in school so I have literally zero clue. Like, *he whispers in French*... WHAT do they whisper?! That is NOT ENOUGH INFORMATION FOR ME!!!! Can anyone help with the French text that wasn’t translated at all?

Although the bit in the theatre, I suppose having Lestat perform in French as Harlequin, but the mind-conversation take place in English made that clear… but I want to know the French text too!

I feel very weird and sad about Lestat meeting Nicolas when he's already a vampire (I know this is only Armand's telling, but I feel this fact will surely remain, due to Joseph's Nicki not looking like he could be the same age as Lestat… I suppose it is possible Lestat could still meet Nicolas as a mortal, but I don’t see any way Lestat can meet Nicki back in his home town) - I can only see it hugely lessening Nicolas' impact... but I guess maybe they want that for TV..? My expectations shift for TVL there though as I thought they’d go big with the Nicolas and Louis parallels to add to the poignancy of those two relationships. Instead, the parallel that was made by Armand was that both Nicolas and Claudia were not built for immortality….?

To expand on that - The Witches Place… if Lestat and Nicolas didn’t know each other as children what happens with that SUCH IMPORTANT element… perhaps Lestat will have been married for a while in his hometown in the TV show or something and there’ll be another character to get some of Nicki’s story… but it takes poignancy away from Nicolas and away from Louis in my opinion. It also takes poignancy away from the wolf killer red cape which Lestat is wearing. But Nicki is Lestat's first true love, the first person he converses with who he feels understands him and Lestat is snatched away from their shared bed in their shared abode by Magnus.... if Lestat doesn't meet Nicolas till he is 34 and already a vampire, that is SO different… in many more ways than I have included here...

But I liked Joseph as Nicki, and joy of joy, the snippets of violin playing were convincing enough for me. I was really worried about it, but nothing bothered me, albeit they obviously were very brief.

The Lestat Armand told us was far from the Lestat I know in most respects though. Lestat suggesting killing mortals on stage?! Lestat being romantic with Armand at all? Doing it in front of Nicki? Even Harlequin-Lestat... the behind-curtain slaughter and the non-Lelio-ness of it... It’s just overwhelming how un-Lestat the whole thing is, making it hard to know what to feel. It’s not like I hated or was sad by anything much other than Nicki… and I liked Nicki and enjoyed how he and Lestat were together… it’s more the implications of that Nicolas may be relegated to way more of a minor character…. With the amount Nicolas means to me, that makes me so sad (Don’t get me wrong: Loustat is endgame… I am not AT ALL a Nickistat is better than Loustat because absolutely NOT - I love Nicki for himself and for his impact on the formation and formative and mortal years of Lestat’s life!)

It's just different, of course, but it’s so much to take in…

I would have enjoyed Lestat in the coven except that the first time I saw that promo image I thought Lestat was holding a leg of meat on a platter and that it's Jesus on the cross just makes it all inappropriately hilarious to me now.

I know Lestat was trying to hide from Armand how concerned he was about Nicki, but I felt underlying feelings in similar scenes in S1 and I didn’t feel even underlying concern to the degree I expected here… just because it is Armand’s telling?

Also, Armand - you did NOT want your coven destroyed!

It’s hard to watch Armand’s fanfic simply because it is SO different that at some point all the differences feel like you’d need to literally retell the entire show!? I just didn’t feel much of *hidden real Lestat* from these scenes, the way I *could* often feel in Louis’ telling. But then, I suppose Louis is not intentionally lying, so it makes sense we’d feel more of the real Lestat than from Armand, who *is* intentionally telling a somewhat false version…????

BUT Assad is so good. And may I say at this point, I love how Assad, Jacob and Sam are all brilliant at conjuring convincing chemistry with each other. NOW ALL KISS TOGETHER AND I SHALL FORGIVE THE BOOK DISCREPANCIES hahahaha… I jest!

I felt so sad and sorry for Claudia, little flea :(. Seeking belonging, only to be so tragically disappointed. The way she imagines herself in Santiago’s role, but instead has to act a child for eternity - how horrific.

I'm also so aware of how in the book, Claudia immediately senses the danger she is in from the coven and from Armand and here it is so very different. I don't know what to make of it. Louis also seems to be considering leaving Claudia already anyway too, so his role in what happens feels a lot different too…

The wet room… Is Lestat locked up in there somewhere now? In a burial vault? Down with the rats and dead bodies? The fact that we’ve been shown the cellar seems to suggest Lestat could be there somewhere, but I don’t know with the book changes whether Armand will lock Lestat up in the way he does in the books? I feel all a bit at sea and like I am an idiot to expect to see book plot or book motivations in a way…???

LOL when Daniel is just distracted and kinda disinterested in hearing about Loumand!

I did LOVE where they went with the Louis-Dreamstat - kill me again and show me you love me the only way you know how though, MMMMM! And the reveal of what Louis did to the mortal. I think this was my favourite part of the episode in fact??

I wonder whether this could hint at anything to be revealed about S1E5 at all???

Tortured Jacob-Louis is fabulous in this episode

Did Armand *really* ever consider killing Louis??!?!?!

I felt a bit sad I’d seen so much of Harlequin Lestat and dreamStat in trailers… I think it took away some of the impact in the episode.

It’s NOT that I disliked the episode… I thought the acting was brilliant and I really felt for Claudia in particular… but I also felt weirdly ambivalent. Aside from Claudia’s scenes and the Dreamstat Louis-violence scene, I wasn’t sure what I felt about a lot of it… weird… I felt kind of weird about it I would say….

#interview with the vampire #anne rice #amc interview with the vampire #iwtv amc #amc iwtv #lestat de lioncourt #louis de pointe du lac #armand le russe #claudia de pointe du lac #claudia de lioncourt #iwtv spoilers #iwtv s2e3

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scarabsinthestardust · 9 days ago

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Tender // Ch. 2

MASTERLIST

word count: 3400+

CHAPTER WARNINGS: descriptions of child abuse/neglect; mentions of religious violence; language; anxiety; unspecified undiagnosed mental illness; inability to talk about feelings; I guess a tiny bit of smut/foreplay but nothing too heated; small discussion about pregnancy; nightmares; sleep paralysis/sleep paralysis demon

The steady rainfall had turned all the dirt and clay into thick mud, making it difficult to walk through the sludge. The sky was dark, almost black clouds blocking out what remained of the evening sun. Flashes of heat lightning illuminated the tops of the trees and cast deep shadows across the forest floor. A little redheaded boy, no more than six, tried his best to protect himself from the elements but to no avail. His skin was caked in mud and his clothes were soaked, sending a chill through his tiny body.

The boy’s wrists were bound tightly and strung up to a tree branch, too high for him to reach. His wrists burned where the rope rubbed his flesh raw, and his shoulders ached from the strain of the unnatural stretch as his arms were forced above his head. He screamed for help, but the sound was drowned out by the heavy rain and occasional thunder. It didn’t matter how much he cried, no one would hear him. No one was coming. His parents certainly weren’t, at least not yet. His father would come back and untie him in the morning, when the rain stopped and when he felt the boy had received an appropriate amount of punishment.

The boy’s mother called it the ‘wrath of God,’ but he didn’t understand what that meant, or what he had done wrong to earn his father’s anger.

“Uh, babe? Hello? Are you even listening to me?”

Josh snaps his fingers in front of my face, bringing my attention back to him. I must have zoned out. We’re seated on the patio of a new brunch restaurant across town that he wanted to check out. It’s a nice place, the food is delicious, but there’s so many fucking people walking past us, and I can’t focus. Why do I feel like they’re all staring?

“I’m sorry. I got distracted. What were you saying?”

He’s clearly annoyed at me, and it sparks a feeling in me I don’t particularly enjoy. “Cabin trip, next month. Are you in? Can you get off work for it?”

“I… yeah, I can. But I thought the cabin trips were just for the band, so you guys can write music?”

“Nah, it’s not that kind of trip. We just thought it might be nice, after the stress of… everything, to decompress. Ya know, get away from the city for a bit. I don’t know how much hiking we’ll do, with Sam still on crutches. He’s really excited about the trip, though. And I think it’ll be good for him. Kya’s coming, too.”

“I’m shocked your brother even agreed to let her go. He’s been up her ass about this baby. He doesn’t hardly let her do anything on her own.”

“If he had stayed up her ass, he wouldn’t have gotten her pregnant.” I want to roll my eyes at the stupid, vulgar joke, but I can’t help but laugh at the shit-eating grin on my boyfriend’s face. His expression softens as he continues. “I know Jake’s been paranoid and kind of annoying about the whole thing. He’s just scared. First kid jitters, I suppose. But I get it. And let’s be real, does anyone ever let Kya do anything?”

I shrug. He has a point. “Touche.”

“So? Will you come with us?” The idea of spending any amount of time in the middle of the woods makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave the safety of the city and its noise pollution and smog, only to breathe in the fresh mountain air that’s likely to stick to my throat and suffocate me. I don’t want to be left alone in the quiet with my thoughts and the memories I try so hard to forget. But then I look at Josh. There he goes again with those big, beautiful, brown eyes and pouty lips, and I’m incapable of telling him no.

This was a terrible idea. On our first night at the cabin, it rains. It isn’t a bad storm, but it’s enough to spike my anxiety. And now I have to hide it from not only Josh, but his brothers and Daniel, too. Kya picks up on my discomfort and I feel her hand on my arm, her thumb rubbing soothing circles into my skin. She’s offering a distraction without speaking, without calling me out in front of everyone, and I’m grateful she’s here.

I don’t want to sit on the couch – it’s too close to the window. What I would prefer to do is hide, but hiding requires self-isolation, and people notice self-isolation. So instead, I opt for a barstool on the outside of the kitchen island. Josh smiles sweetly at me before getting back to his current task.

He and Jake are in the kitchen, cooking dinner. They won’t tell us what it is, but it smells amazing. I watch him flit around, ever so gracefully, laughing with his twin, so lighthearted, so happy. He acts as though he doesn’t have a care in the world, there is nothing weighing him down. He’s surrounded by his family, and I have that nagging feeling that I don’t belong here.

We eat dinner and gather in the living room. I notice that no one brought any alcohol on the trip, solely for my sake, I’m sure. They rope me into playing some board games, and when everyone gets tired of that, they move onto playing music. I’m trying to relax, but it’s so difficult to convince myself that everything is going to be okay. Kya yawns and Jake suggests she go to bed; she agrees but drags him along with her. Sam is on the couch, his broken leg propped up, his back pressed into Daniel, who looks like he is about to fall asleep himself.

Josh seems to read my mind, announcing that we’ll be calling it a night as well. He disappears into the bathroom for his nightly rituals. I’ve never met a man with such a strict skincare routine.

The rain has stopped, so I walk over to the bedroom window and peek out between the curtains. I don’t know what I expected to find. It’s dark, the only light coming from the window I’m looking out of. I can’t even see the moon through the rain clouds. The familiar nausea begins to return. The shadows in the endless darkness seem to move, morphing into shapes and silhouettes that have haunted me since childhood. If I listen closely, I can hear the crickets chirping, maybe even an owl hooting in the distance, and it’s still too quiet. It’s not enough noise to silence my own thoughts. My mind is running too fast to keep up, and I feel my heart rate rise, my breath becoming uneven. What am I doing here? I’m gripping the edge of the windowsill to hold onto something solid, and I try to grasp onto the part of my brain that says I am fine, so that I can let go and enjoy myself here, but I’m failing. This isn’t West Virginia, I tell myself. They aren’t here. Nothing bad is going to happen. I’m safe. I’m –

Everything comes to a halt, my worries temporarily silenced when I feel a pair of arms wrap around my waist from behind me. The sweet smell of vanilla fills my nostrils, and he presses himself against my back. I lace my fingers with his and sigh, complacent for a moment.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just tired.” I turn to face him and wrap my arms around him before kissing the top of his head.

“You don’t have to lie to me, ya know.” I swear my heart stops when his words reach my ears. Is this it? Has he figured me out, seen right through me to the pieces of myself I endeavor to hold together like broken glass? Is this where I lose him? I thought I would have more time. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”

He reads my silence for confusion, which isn’t entirely false, but it’s something more. It’s fear. He pulls away just enough to look me in the eyes, his head tilted upwards to make up for the height difference, but his hands don’t leave my waist. “You don’t like the rain. I can tell. You get all nervous and jittery. But you don’t have to deal with it alone, baby. Why…” He shakes his head. “Sorry, I won’t ask. You know me, I’m an inquisitive person. But I know you don’t like to talk about certain things, and you don’t have to explain any of it to me. I just wish you’d talk to me. Tell me that being in a cabin in the woods during the rainy season wigs you out, and then my dumbass will stop dragging you around to do things you don’t want to do. Tell me what you need. Let me be here for you.”

Fuck, I love him so much. There’s a split second, a tiny sliver of time in the shards of this universe, where I consider telling him everything. For a fraction of a moment, I want to let him in and open his eyes to all the horrible things that happen in my own head when he’s fast asleep. I want him to understand what molded me into what I am today, this damaged, shell of a coward. But the thought disappears as quickly as it came, and I know, like I’ve always known, that I can’t ever tell him the truth.

“I’m sorry. It’s just a little anxiety, but I’m okay.”

I can tell he isn’t satisfied with my answer, but he doesn’t push me for more. I pull him to me and press my lips to his. He’s so soft, and he tastes like mint and jasmine, the remnants of some fancy, overpriced, Italian toothpaste he likes. He smiles and hums when I pull away, his eyes still half-closed in a blissful haze. “And you didn’t ‘drag’ me out here,” I assure him. “I wanted to come, to be here with you.”

That seems to satiate him for the time being. “Well, I’m glad you came.” It’s comforting to know I haven’t ruined it yet. I meant it when I said I wanted to come on this trip with him, even if it’s primarily for the sake of being in his company. The rest is just a side effect, and he’s worth suffering for.

He sits on the bed and shoots me a mischievous look. “Ya know, I’m not even tired.”

His message is clear, and I close the distance between us. “Well,” I start, as I gently push him to lie down on the bed. “I suppose I’ll just have to tire you out a little.” I slowly follow until I’m straddling him, my knees on either side of his hips. He’s immediately responsive, bucking his hips for any kind of friction as he grabs my shirt and pulls me down to latch our lips together again. He doesn’t fight me as I use one hand to lift his, holding his wrists in place above his head. I begin kissing and nipping at his neck (always carefully – I’m not allowed to leave marks), and he lets a moan escape his lips.

“Your brothers are going to hear you,” I mutter.

“I’ll be quiet.”

I can’t help the snort of laughter that escapes me. “Babe, you’ve never been quiet a day in your life.”

He scoffs. “I can be quiet.”

“I don’t believe you.” I haven’t stopped my assault on his neck and my free hand is under his shirt, rubbing and kneading at his flesh. He’s writhing underneath me, begging for more. If I’m being honest, I don’t actually give a flying fuck if anyone hears us. Let them. It’s just a small reminder that he’s mine.

He struggles to get his next words out; I’m still amazed at how easy it is to turn him into a whimpering mess. “Fine,” he gasps. “If I can’t – ah – stay quiet, you’ll just have to find a way to – to keep my mouth occupied.”

My own movements stutter and I groan, instinctively grinding my hips into his. This man is going to be the death of me.

Dried leaves crunch under our feet as we traverse one of the nearby trails that will supposedly lead us to the lake. I’m feeling oddly peaceful today. Instead of haunting shadows and threatening whispers, I only hear birds and the light breeze rustling the trees. We’re moving at a fairly slow pace so Sam can keep up. Josh’s arm is looped with mine as we walk. He’s not speaking right now, a rare occurrence; he’s just soaking in the atmosphere and breathing in the fresh air. He’s practically glowing in the morning sun, and I’m content to simply observe him. He’s almost ethereal.

At some point, Jake says something to taunt Josh, in their typical, playful, sibling fashion, and Josh runs ahead to act out his ‘revenge’ on his twin. While they’re roughhousing, Kya retreats from the line of fire and falls into step next to me.

“How’re you holding up?”

“I’m… okay right now. What about you? The baby kicking your ass yet?”

As if on cue, Jake notices she’s fallen behind and starts to walk back to check on her. “Jacob,” she says sternly, like a warning to back off.

He puts his hands up defensively. “Sorry. Sorry. Minding by business.” He keeps his distance, but his eyes linger on his girlfriend, clearly concerned for her welfare.

Kya rolls her eyes in annoyance but offers Jake a reassuring smile. “He means well. I’ve just gotta train him not to be so damn worried all the time. And to answer your question, no, the little one’s been pretty well behaved. I don’t even get nauseous much these days.”

“When do you find out the gender?”

“Right after we get back home, actually. We were putting it off ‘cause we debated letting it be a surprise, but I like to be prepared.”

“Josh is one hundred percent convinced it’s definitely a girl.”

“Yeah, he thinks he’s got some special ‘baby ESP’ or some shit.” She says it loud enough for Josh to hear, and he turns to confront her, to which she responds by sticking her tongue out at him.

“You two are children,” I laugh. I envy Kya for how easy it seemed to be for her to integrate into this family. It appears to be effortless, at least to an outsider. I find myself hoping that I could follow her lead, and maybe Josh will keep me around long enough for me to start feeling like I’m meant to be here, too.

We make it to the lake, its crystal-clear water sparkling in the sun. Kya and Jake waste no time stripping down to their swimwear and submerging themselves. I hear Sam sigh sadly; he’s not supposed to get his cast wet, so he’s forced to sit this one out, but he swears he’s content to sit on the edge of the water and observe. Danny stays with him, ignoring Sam’s protests that he go swimming without him. Josh is pulling me excitedly towards the water’s edge, but I stop him.

“What’s wrong? You’re not coming?” He looks disappointed and it makes my chest hurt. He deserves honesty from me, I know that, even if it only comes in tiny, miniscule pieces.

“I, uh… I can’t swim.” I speak quietly and lower my head, cheeks burning with embarrassment. I don’t hate the water, per se. It’s often quite relaxing to wade where I can stand in it, but once it gets deep enough for my head to go under, the panic sets in.

“I didn’t know that. Do you want me to-“

I cut him off before he can finish the question. “No. Go swimming. I want you to enjoy yourself. I’ll be right here.”

I can tell he wants to argue – he always does – but he wrangles in that stubborn, feisty voice that I’m sure is clawing its way to the surface and nods, smiling softly. So, I situate myself with Sam and Danny, and I’m shockingly comfortable. Peace doesn’t come to me often, and I know it won’t last long, but I’ll savor it while it’s here. Josh seems at home, like he is anywhere he can be with his brothers. All the strain and pressure they had dealt with recently just melts away. Josh’s laughter rings out in the air around us, dancing through the trees. It’s a sound I could listen to forever, if he’d allow me to.

I can’t breathe. There’s a weight on my chest, crushing me. My limbs are heavy and I’m unable to move, no matter how hard I try. The only thing I can hear are distorted whispers; they repeat the same thing over and over again – You can’t hide. When I open my eyes, my vision is blurry, like I’m underwater. I’m drowning. The shadow that hovers above me is faceless, just a silhouette, like it always is. It doesn’t have a mouth, but I can feel its hot breath on my face, and it smells like sulfur. It makes these awful clicking noises that sort of remind me of some kind of nocturnal animal. I can never remember which one.

I’m afraid, of course I am. I’m always afraid. But this has become such a frequent occurrence that I’ve accepted the fear and accepted that I can do nothing but be suffocated by it. Occasionally, when I’m feeling adventurous (or perhaps it’s more likely I don’t think I’ve got anything to lose), I stare back at the entity in an attempt to learn what I can. But mostly I close my eyes and pray – no, not pray, never pray – to be free of the presence that threatens my place in this world.

I wonder what would happen if it ever succeeded. Would I simply be gone from this plane, no trace left of my pathetic existence? Or would it take over, using me for its own benefit, getting off on whatever horrible things it will make me do?

It visits me often, but this time something is different. I’m not alone. Another voice reaches my ears, one I don’t recognize immediately. I can’t understand what it’s saying but it’s enough to pull me back. The entity is brushed away as quickly as it appears, and I can finally draw in a deep breath. I can finally move; I sit up so quickly it makes me dizzy. I’m freezing and I’m not one hundred percent sure where I am. But I hear the voice again and everything starts to fall into place.

It isn’t the words themselves, because they make no sense. I can only make out bits and pieces, something about glitter in the carpet? But I understand what’s happening now. Josh is talking in his sleep, and it was enough to wake me from mine. He’s mumbling something about peanuts now. What could he possibly be dreaming about?

My eyes are starting to adjust to the deep darkness. We’re still at the cabin. In the woods. The realization makes my heart pound harder. My instincts are telling me to run, to get as far from this place as I can, but I know that isn’t the most logical way to handle this. It’s just my fight-or-flight kicking in, that’s all. Where would I even run to? Instead, I hug my knees to my chest and shut my eyes again; I need to calm down. I don’t want to wake him up.

I’m unsure how much time passes before my pulse settles to a normal rate, but it’s still dark when I open my eyes. Josh is still asleep. He’s on his side with his back to me, his small snores permeating the silence. I take another deep breath and lie down. I can’t resist the urge to wrap my arm around his waist and pull myself against his back. I place a gentle kiss on his bare, exposed shoulder. He makes a satisfied noise and pushes back into me, as if he could get closer, but he doesn’t wake up from his slumber.

I don’t sleep again tonight. I rarely ever do after a visit from the… demon? Spirit? Whatever it is. I know, realistically, that Josh is not in any danger. It won’t come for him; it won’t touch him. He’s not the one it wants. But I still feel as though I need to protect him from it. From me? I hold onto him for the rest of the night, making silent promises that he will be safe.

///

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finniestoncrane · 2 years ago

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Indulgences

BTAA!Scarecrow x Female!Reader, word count: 4k commission: jonathan crane and secretary!reader give in to their mutual desires, which reader needs to be encouraged to partake in 🎃🧡 commission me here! request info • prompt list • send me a request • kofi • masterlist minors DNI!! 🔞 cw: daddy kink, oral sex, rough sex, persistent behaviour

At least I don’t have to walk through any alleys. At least I get to stick to the busier streets, the nicer neighbourhoods. There’s an artisanal coffee shop on the way, not many people can say that. It’s fine, this is luck. You’re lucky to have this job. You’re lucky to have any job, really. But this one is perfect. It’s fine. You can do it. He doesn’t have any power over you. He’s your employer. He’s your boss. Yeah, he’s Jonathan Crane, but that doesn’t automatically give him a one-up. He likes you just as much as… it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you will not give in to this temptation.

Each morning, as you took the short trip to work from your apartment, you had to give yourself a pep talk. A reminder that this was worth it, in the long run. That you would be foolish, and quite frankly almost ignorant, to give up the comfort you managed to find, in Gotham of all places, because of some uncontrolled emotions. You had a job that provided enough money for you to afford a nice apartment in a nice area, that challenged you, but not too much, and brought you a genuine sense of value and worth. But it did mean you were exposed, almost daily, to the difficult charms of Jonathan Crane.

Working with Jonathan was a blessing and a curse. The security of employment with a reputable, at least society facing, psychologist was something that was rare in Gotham. Add to that the element of safety in being employed by one of the city’s more venerable and amicable villains, there was limited risk of being caught in the crossfire, unlike the employees of Sionis or Cobblepot. And he clearly trusted you, as he hadn’t been shy in telling you of his criminal escapades, his alter ego as The Scarecrow. In fact, you’d only been working with him for a month before he took you into his office and revealed the secret.

You supposed for someone like Jonathan, if he’d sensed even the slightest hint that you might not be one to trust, he would just have you killed. You’d thought as much at the time, as you stood, heart racing, swallowing your fear in your closed throat, sweat beading on your forehead. But the fear you had shown, it seemed to comfort him. Very on brand for that strange, yet deeply interesting, man.

Realising how silly you sounded, as you tried to quantify all of the thoughts in your mind, you stopped on the street corner across from the building which housed his office. You liked him. You really liked him. But it felt like a risk, or a mistake. Something about it seemed to suggest to you that it would only end in tears, or worse, in your demise. And it was this contradiction, this predicament, which made it so difficult for you to show up to work each day. Only worsened by the fact that you had begun to suspect that Jonathan had similar feelings for you.

He had always been flirtatious, part of his charm you guessed. He was like that with everyone. Little jokes, a lingering touch on the arm or the lower back. He’d frighten people, speaking soft and low, making them get closer to him before giving them a little jolt of fear. It usually had them giggling, sweating, confused. On several occasions he’d pointed that out to you, the line between fear and arousal. It all had to do with adrenaline, he’d say. And he was very right about that.

As you entered the office, you took your place at the desk in the waiting room. Checking the calendar, you realised it would be another two hours before the first patient arrived for their appointment. That gave you plenty of time to get comfortable and settled. But just as you began to repeat your affirmations, taking your slow, long breaths in a bid to calm your body, Jonathan entered.

“Ah, you’ve here. Always there to brighten my morning, huh?”

“Jonathan, lovely to see you. I’ve left coffee on your desk.”

“Well, aren’t you just the sweetest. Why don’t you come in and join me?”

“Is that… mandatory? Or work-related?”

Jonathan offered you a wry smile as he looked you up and down, scrutinising you.

“Would that make a difference? C’mon, we’re all friends here, right?”

You swallowed your nerves at his wink, trying to maintain your composure, the control you still had over the situation.

“I suspect that this might be more than a friendly discussion, Crane.”

“Oh! I do love it when you’re feisty in the morning.”

He walked into his office, still speaking to you.

“If you feel like joining me, make sure to bring that snarky attitude with you. Drives me crazy.”

You scoffed and rolled your eyes, picking up a pen and twirling it as you absent-mindedly stared at the wall in front of you. With an irritated mumble, you got up form your desk and followed Jonathan into his office, standing against the closed door and staring at him with your arms folded.

“Well?”

“Well, what?”

“I’m here now, what do you want with me?”

Jonathan let out a dry chuckle, as his pupils widened, staring at you from his desk.

“Oh, bit of a dangerous question, don’t you think? I could do a lot of psychoanalysing on that. The phrasing, the way you’re standing, the words you chose, the slight implied innuendo despite your obvious attempts to seem uninterested. All of it, very telling indeed.”

“Do you think so?”

“I know so. Why don’t you take a seat?”

“I’d rather stand, thanks.”

“A contrarian, through and through.”

“I’m really not.”

He raised an eyebrow at you, smiling wide as you proved his point. It infuriated you to no end that despite as hard as you tried to gain the upper-hand, he was always one-step above you.

“Fine, I’ll take a seat.”

You chose the softer of the two armchairs that faced his desk, avoiding eye contact with him until it was impossible to ignore the silence any longer. When you looked up to him, he caught your eyes, staring into them intensely. His stare held you, it was almost hypnotic. He was a commanding presence in your life, and you hated that as much as you enjoyed it. In moments like these it was difficult not to give in to your temptations. To succumb to the harmless but persistent flirting. To accept that you had a crush. Maybe get it out of your system even. But you sensed that someone like Jonathan Crane wasn’t up for being quickly used and discarded. He had to conquer his love interests, and you were determined not to let that be the case, despite how he made your heart beat faster and your body tremble with just a few innocent enough words.

From the drawer on his side of the desk, Jonathan produced a folder marked confidential, with your name on a label on the top right hand corner. He thumbed through the pages in silence as you sat nervously. You wondered what it could be. A dossier of reasons that he wanted to kill you? Or reasons he wanted to sleep with you? It could have been anything with him, and the anticipation only served to help you conjure up more fanatical and nerve-wracking theories.

Reading from the pages, he made an occasional soft noise, a small ‘hm’ or an ‘ah’ as he took in the information. Eventually, you grew more irritated than you were nervous, and coughed, clearing your throat obviously in the hopes that he would get whatever he intended to do over with.

Without looking to you, eyes remaining on the pages as he scanned them from top to bottom, reading whatever words were so intensely interesting to him, he finally.

“So… would you like a performance review?”

“A... a performance review? Are you kidding me?”

“No, why would I be?”

“That’s what you called me in here for?”

Jon smiled wryly as he peered over the top of the folder he held in his hands.

“Partly. I thought it would be a good idea to kill two birds with one stone. I love that phrase, don’t you? Such violent imagery. It conjures up such a guttural feeling. So… connected to our ancestry, and yet the convenience of modern life is hinted at to-”

“Jonathan. I have a job to do.”

“Uh-huh, and who provides you with that employment?”

Leaning back in your chair in slight disbelief, you narrowed your eyes at him as you spoke.

“Are you threatening me, Mister Crane?”

“Not at all, sugar. I’m simply… reinforcing the status quo here. The hierarchy. The way that our… relationship works. You’re my employee, after all. And I’m your boss, correct?”

With a scrutinising glance you tried to figure out what he was getting at, but couldn’t make it past his cool exterior.

“As technical as you can get, yes.”

“And yet, we’re also friends, are we not?”

“I suppose so.”

Your heart fluttered at his words, feeling deeply complimented by the suggestion.

“You’re my employee, and my friend. But perhaps… maybe… I would like you to be a little more than that.”

“More…?”

“Oh, come on. As if you can’t see it, as if you don’t want the same things I do. As if we aren’t already something a little bit more than that.”

Trying to contain your smile, you feigned innocence, or ignorance, and looked up and to the right, as though you were trying to think of what he might be suggesting.

“Listen… we flirt. Constantly. I can see it, you can see it. Everyone can see it. I have clients who are so unaware that they don’t even recognise their mother is to blame for their issues, and even they can see it.”

“You talk about me with clients?”

“That’s besides the point. Look. We work great together.”

“Yes, in the same office.”

“Not like that, you know what I mean. You and I, we gel. We get on, we have a connection. I think we’d make an excellent pair, don’t you?”

Jonathan had stood up from his seat as he spoke, walking around the desk and stopping in front of it, where he leaned in repose on the surface when he had finished his argument in the little debate you two were caught up in.

“I want people to see us together, more obviously than they do now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I want them to see you with me. I want them to know who you’re with.”

You kept your face still, not wanting to give anything away, but desperately wanting to scream at the concept he was offering you. You didn’t want to be owned by Jonathan, you didn’t want to make a big thing out of whatever you two might have. It seemed that he wanted the opposite though, and admittedly, his determination to have you, to possess you, like a trophy he could show off, was deeply intriguing and more than a little arousing.

“In a sense that…”

“In a sense that they wouldn’t dare try anything with you, because they knew who you belonged to.”

Trying to maintain your air of composure, your dignity in the face of potential ownership, you tilted your head and stared him down with an unamused look.

“Belonged to? So I not only work for you, but I’d be your property too? Sounds… unpleasant actually, Jon.”

He stood up from the desk and moved closer to you, his stance commanding, charisma oozing from his very being, his voice trance-like as he spoke to you so directly and convincingly.

“Come on now. We’re both intelligent people. We both know what’s going on here, what’s going on between us. It would be so easy to just admit it and let it happen. I don’t have a human resources department, so there’s no one to get on our case. What is it that you’re so worried about? What makes you so hesitant?”

He had answered his own question, really. Jonathan was so deeply, intensely interested in you, in everyone. He could learn more about you from the way you lifted a coffee cup than most people could in a decade of spending time with you. You could only imagine what information he might glean from fucking you. And then where would you be? You’d be employed by a psychotic psychiatrist who knew everything about you, that’s where. Only in Gotham.

“Just let go. Let yourself give in to pleasure. I promise, I’ll make it worth the risk of this little dalliance.”

His smug grin, pressed into his cheeks so firmly that it accentuated the wrinkles around his eyes had your chest heaving as you breathed heavily. You weren’t sure how much more of this you could take. It was tempting, so tempting. And though you were reluctant to give in to the feelings you held for him, it was deeply flattering, and very encouraging, to see him outwardly express those same desires.

It couldn’t possibly be as bad as I think it will be. I want this. I need this, I think. It’s gone beyond just a silly workplace crush, with witty remarks and back and forth flirtatious teasing. This is… something deeper now. And the longer I hold off, the worse it’s going to get. Perhaps it would be better to just get this out of my system. Do it now and get it over with. And then I’ll-

You were pulled out of your thoughts, ruminations and worries swirling at the forefront of your mind, by the feeling of Jonathan’s lips on yours, his hands holding your upper arms to keep you steady. The grip, forceful but deeply romantic, held within it the exact amount of passion, it turned out, to have you falling into him. Melting into the embrace, you wrapped your arms around his, feeling your leg beginning to snake up the back of his pants. He gripped it, fingers digging into your thighs and bringing it higher, around his waist, as he stepped forward, pushing you, stumbling, back into the wall where he deepened the kiss.

Biting, licking, sucking at your lips, Jonathan moaned hungrily against you. You yelped as he bit a little too hard, and he pulled back quickly, soothing over your bottom lip with his thumb and offering an apologetic smile.

“I’ve wanted this for a while. You’ve held out on me. So I apologise if I’m a bit… rough.”

His eyes moved from yours and began mapping out your body, taking in every inch of you.

“It’s been very difficult to watch you, a free agent, outside of my will.”

You scoffed, but took a sharp inhale as he stared into your eyes again, smiling at you, wry and mischievous.

“You’re so dead set on not indulging me. Why is that?”

Trying to avoid his intense gaze, you turned your face, but with a soft motion he brought you back around with his palm on your cheek.

“Is it because you’re ashamed of how much you want that? It’s ok to want to be wanted. It’s completely normal to want to be owned. I should know, I’m a psychologist, remember.”

He let his fingers trace down your throat, following their trail with his tongue as he made his way down your front with kisses, planting them softly, his breath warm against you, as he got to his knees before you, resting his face against your abdomen as he ran his hands up and down your sides.

“Every curve.”

His hands pressed into you, grabbing and squeezing at your body, your waist, your hips. As he let them reach behind you, cupping your ass, you let out of a soft noise, which made him smile.

“Every moan.”

You giggled as he made his way back up your body, bringing his hands to your face, fingers skating over your lips, making you shiver at the touch.

“And indeed, every quiver. They belong to me. And only me. Understand?”

Completely entranced by the way he held you, you nodded slowly but with enthusiasm.

Smiling at you, a grin that made your blood run cold, he leaned in to whisper into your ear once more.

“Then would you kindly lay down on my desk, please. And remove all the clothes on your bottom half first.”

As you stepped past him, pulling at your clothes in a hurry to get them off, his palm caught your rear, smacking the cheek and bringing forth an amused yelp and giggle from you. It made your cheeks flush, the way you had reacted. You hated how much you liked it. And he could tell, as he watched you lean back on the desk, bottom half completely nude and exposed. Running his palms up your thighs, past your stomach and to your neck, he loosened a few of the buttons on your shirt and kissed at your neck again.

Distracted by his moans and ministrations against your sensitive skin, you hadn’t even noticed he had removed his own pants and underwear until he was pressing his cock inside of you. You moaned, letting your breath out in a slow exhale as you smiled, unable to stop yourself. It felt amazing, better than you could have imagined or hoped. And you’d spent a lot of time hoping and imagining, though you wouldn’t have admitted that to anyone, even under threat of Jonathan’s fear inducing drugs.

Jonathan, enthused and encouraged by your reaction to his cock twitching and throbbing within you, began to rock his hips, pressing himself into you further, picking up the pace and grunting with each movement. At the angle you sat at, legs hanging over the edge of the desk, perched on your rear alone, he gripped your hips, holding you steady so he could push up into you, hitting the right spots as he did so. Occasionally, past the panting and guttural groans, you could hear him laughing. He was so smug, so proud of himself. So happy to be claiming you. The thought drove you wild, and you wrapped your legs around his waist, bringing him even closer to you.

As Jonathan continued to fill you, pumping his substantial length inside of your cunt, pressing his tip as far as he could, he clutched at your back, holding you tight, close to him. In lustful desperation, you gripped his hair, drawing his mouth to your neck, begging him silently to ravish you, kiss you, bite you, suck you, whatever he was willing to do for you. And luckily, his participation extended to all three, as his teeth clenched softly on your neck, nipping at it before his tongue flitted over the stinging pain and soothed it, his lips enclosing around you, sucking at the sensitive skin.

“Ooh… Jonathan…”

“Sorry, was that too hard?”

The faux mocking tone sent a tingle down your spine, and you clung to him tighter out of instinct.

“Just… just a little bit…”

He leaned back for a second to offer you a sham pout followed by a cruel smirk.

“My most sincere apologies, I just wanted to make sure you were marked.”

Diving back into your neck, he bit harder this time, lips covering over the stinging pain in a smooth kiss.

“I can’t have any doubts as to who you belong to.”

His teeth marked your flesh, imprints of his bite pattern across your neck, soft ovals of burst blood vessels where had sucked on you, definitely leaving enough of a trace that it was impossible to deny that someone had claimed you. The notion of being entirely his was getting easier and easier to submit to with every passing second, and you could barely contain yourself. It didn’t surprise you at all when you started whispering to him, your own mouth ahead of your brain as you exposed your secrets and begged to be his.

“If you want me, Jonathan, then you can have me. Take me, fill me.”

With a struggled grunt he forced himself deeper, an action you would have thought impossible, and you could feel your abdomen tightening with the pressure of his cock buried so fully within you.

“I want you to make me yours, Jonathan. Mark me, inside and out.”

Jonathan’s breathing quickened, his pace getting faster and less steady as he rutted clumsily against you, hips jutting forth to meet yours as they rocked into his body. His grunting had been reduced to a whimper, almost a whine, as he clung to your skin, holding you as he used you, appreciated you.

“What do you want from me? Tell me. Don’t be shy.”

“I want you to cum inside of me. Paint my fucking insides, Jonathan. I want to be yours. Fill me, take me, just… please, god please don’t let me lose a single drop.”

With a guttural laugh and another quick bite at your collar bone, Jonathan’s body shuddered as he shifted you back and forth in time with his own thrusting, cock twitching as he felt himself coming undone. His seed spilled in thick, white ropes within your cunt, spent entirely within you and holding himself inside, pressed tight against you, to keep as much of him there as possible. He lingered for a few moments longer, enjoying the warmth, the possessiveness over you. His fingers tensed as they clung to your body. He didn’t want this moment to end, and neither did you.

Finally, pulling himself from within you with a low moan, he sat back down on his office chair, holding his slicked cock in his hands as he felt it softening, finally spent and relieved of the tension he had been holding back, that you both had been holding back. He panted slightly until he had caught his breath, his age showing in the way he braced himself, trying to recover from the shaking orgasm that had all but consumed him entirely.

“There… phew… no doubts now, huh?”

You were standing, trying to straighten your clothes out as best as you could, feeling his cum dribbling down your inner thigh and coating your panties. The sensation sent shivers down your spine, knowing you belonged to him, feeling like you were still marked as his territory, his possession, even after he was no longer holding you physically. You had to admit that it was divine, something you had craved before but never would have let yourself admit to.

“Doubts? About what?”

Jonathan leant his head back, groaning in mock frustration before he snapped back down, eyes focused on your body, his gaze drawing up over you and back down as he took you in, still flushed and sweating, marked by his teeth and his fingers.

“Oh, sugar. Don’t be obtuse. It’s no use, I know you’re a sharp girl.”

Playing up, just to irritate him, you stared blankly with a slight frown. You shrugged your shoulders lightly and shook your head a little.

“You wanted that. I wanted that. And I continue to want that. As, I expect, do you. I think we can both feel the tension around us, around the office. So let’s not beat around the bush here!”

He laughed as he spoke in a lilting cadence, trying to seem casual. But you could sense the desperation in his words. And you finally felt like you had the upper-hand.

“We’ll see, Jonathan.”

You walked towards the door, turning as you opened it and stepped back into the hallway.

“We’ll see.”

Leaving him alone in his office, you returned to your desk with a wide grin on your lips. Finally, you felt like you could let yourself indulge in your desires. But not before you teased Jonathan a little longer. He deserved it, after all. And you deserved to feel in control, after everything you put up with from him. A little bit of sweet and sour in your relationship wasn’t anything new, but the method in which it was employed, a change in pace and hierarchy, it made you feel excited to come into work tomorrow.

#finnie writes #batman #scarecrow #jonathan crane #scarecrow imagine #scarecrow smut #scarecrow x reader #rogues gallery #batman rogues #btaa scarecrow

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dira333 · 1 year ago

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There's no fire without air

Elements series - Oikawa x reader

There’s no fire without air.

You learn that in safety class and catch Oikawa smiling your way.

You know what he’s thinking about cause you’re thinking about the same thing.

He called you the air he needed to breathe when he turned eighteen, a little lightheaded after kissing you behind the gym.

You called him a fire burning you up, devouring you whole.

The implications of your words haunted you afterwards.

Watching him play you ponder if Oikawa hadn’t gotten it all wrong.

Because he seemed to be the air that lifted up his friends and teammates, encouraging them with a gentle breeze or pushing them forward, always forward, with the power known to storms.

You, on the other hand, seemed so much more like fire, burning every outstretched hand.

“Class President.” He teases you in front of others.

“Little flame.” He calls you when you’re alone.

When it’s just the two of you, you believe that you can tackle the world, that all your failures don’t matter.

When you’re allowed to breathe him in you believe that it’s enough. Just the two of you.

Oikawa has left.

Not just you. Not just Sendai.

You wonder if he’s woken up and realized that he was his own air, that he needed no one else to breathe, least of all you.

You wonder how you’ll keep on burning without him.

But you refuse to go out. And that’s the first s tip.

“Oh, hi.” Makki grins, lips lifted in pleasant surprise, “Didn’t know you’re attending the same College as me.”

“Have been for the last year, but thanks for noticing.”

“Heh.” He nods at the barista taking your order. “Her stuff is on me. Can I get a Caramel Frappucino with extra Caramel?”

“What are you studying?” You ask as you wait for your drinks.

He blows up his face and lets out the air in a huff.

“Stuff. I don’t really know what I’m doing to be honest. But I’m on the College Volleyball Team, so that’s cool. You?”

You shrug. “Stuff.” You repeat his words and he laughs, the sound filled with disbelief.

“You’re telling me that our Class President doesn’t enjoy studying?”

“It’s not the studying that’s the problem, I just…” You lift your arms in a universal gesture of helplessness and just… burst into tears.

“Hey, Hey.” Makki presses his ridiculously sweet drink into your hands. “Drink. You need sugar.”

You’d argue but it does help.

But maybe it’s not the sugar but his presence. Not his words but the way he listens, face resting on his fist as he looks at you, not once interrupting your rant.

First there’s Makki. Then Mattsun. Yahaba joins in too and Watari.

It starts with coffee. Study dates with the groups. Meeting up to watch Seijoh’s games and at some point Kyoutani in his ridiculous green uniform playing for the Sendai Frogs.

You start to realize that burning people isn’t just your fault. Some people are just not used to your heat.

When you publish your first book at age 22 and shyly hand it over the table, you’re barely thinking of the Oikawa shaped imprint on your soul.

But it’s still there and they all know it.

It’s the reason he rarely gets mentioned.

You’re twenty-eight and not at all comfortable in this ridiculous high heels.

But Iwaizumi is getting married, moving back to Japan for good, and it’s your fault he even met his fiance.

“Just checking in.” Makki bursts through the door with a Tiara perched on top of his pink hair,a Tiara that’s supposed to be on the bride’s head.

Not for the first time you wonder why you could never fall for him.

He’s exactly the burst of fresh air that will always fan your flames, the soft breeze that keeps you going.

But you’re still longing for a different storm and you both decided long ago that there’s no use in a relationship like that.

“Ready?” He asks and sneaks a flask of liquor into your purse. “For the nerves.”

“Ready.”

You might as well have walked on Oikawa’s arm instead of Makki’s, his gaze never once leaving you.

He’s grown since you’ve last met, both in size and character.

You smile amicable when you walk past him, nod and make polite conversations when you can’t avoid him at the bar.

But you know he’s leaving soon. He’s never meant to stay after all.

And there’s still an imprint the size of him left on your soul.

“I read your book.” He tells you when the world gets hazier by the hour and you’re drunken on exhaustion.

“Which one?”

“All of them.”

You nod and turn to leave again, only to have his hand close around your elbow.

“I’ve never stopped loving you.” The words tumble out of his mouth and you’d have suspected him drunk had you not known that he was playing designated driver.

“Love doesn’t leave without a word.”

He flinches, showing you something you’ve rarely ever seen in him. Vulnerability.

“I didn’t want to be in your way.”

You furrow your brows. “What do you mean?”

“I just- I just knew you’d be great. You’ve always been destined for greatness, little flame.”

The nickname pulls out what little air had been left in your lungs.

“I just felt like a stale breath compared to you, never going to nationals, never making good on my promises.”

“It’s a little late for that now, isn’t it?” You ask, your voice a bit more broken than you’d like it to be.

He takes your hand, warm fingers meeting cold ones.

“Please.” He begs, quietly, earnestly, “Let me be the air you breathe.”

You like the sunsets in Argentina.

They look like the sky is burning, aflame with desire.

Somewhere along the years you’ve started to realize that Toruu and you’ve grown into each other, grown along each other, until it’s no longer clear who’s fire and who’s air.

Who’s the one in need and who’s the one giving.

But it’s a comfortable live, a live worth living. A life you wouldn’t mind having forever.

Behind you, a familiar chest rises with each breath, and hands that have mapped out your body times and times again stretch out towards you, to pull you in.

“Little flame.” He breathes into your hair and you close your hairs, content with the fire that burns between the two of you.

There’s no fire without air.

But you’ll keep breathing into it, day after day.

my Kofi if you want to tip me

#my writing #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu!!#haikyuu x you #haikyuu drabbles #hq x reader #haikyuu x gender neutral reader #haikyuu x gn!reader #Oikawa x reader #oikawa tooru x reader #oikawa toruu

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lyrichi · 11 months ago

Text

I know that this account was suppose to turn into a shitpost headcannon account but y'all I fucking love chemistry so much I can't even

Like sometimes I wish that there were fics of MC in obey me verse just doing chemistry with Solomon

For one I'm down bad

And for 2 I LOVE CHEMISTRY 🥺

Like my fucking chem final is in a few hours and we get to make one paper of a cheet sheet

so I fucking crammed last night and did all of the imporntatnt chapter shit from my notes and the textbook

Back to om for a sec tho I'd totally write a fic abt MC just loving chem as much as I do but like idk the chem in devildom is dif for some reason so they have to relearn shit but also teach people human chem

Like bro I love chem sm 😭😭

I already have some ideas about what could be dif between the two realms;

The periodic table could be different because of exposure to different substances and elements, which in turn makes the organisation different

Like the transition metals are larger, the man-made elements don't exist, the F block is way smaller/larger because of the exposure to different substances,

Exposure to elements are higher - for example, exposure and access to elements like Argon and ones w higher atomic masses and such are easier to find and use in experiments

The safety protocols are WAY dif, like in chem classes they don't even have the fuckin lab safety thing doesn't exist (because they're fucking demons) so things are a lot more reckless

Labs tend to be -- bigger? Like more combustion and danger involved, rather than labs that'd be seen in high school chem classes (mixing Calcium Chloride and Magnesium Sulfate for example)

Yeah man idfk I just love chem

---

Ooh here are some little snippets 😍

Solomon and MC get paired together in a chem class with not very many instructions, only being told to make an explosion with the least amount of substances. So what do they do? Pour Lithium into water

At some point after MC decides to really live-in their room in the HoL (cause like really they're sleeping in the fucking hotel guest room) they receive some chemistry equipment from Solomon. One night they don't come down for dinner and one of the bros (you choose who) comes to see what's up and they just find MC hunched over their desk trying to organise substances without cross contaminating anything, which is very hard when most things come looking like cocaine

Alternatively, it's the middle of the day and they're doing some experiment involving having to force copper to oxidize, and somehow they make the air in their room extremely explosive (think that one scene in The Martian book) After realising this, they leave their room and sit outside their door while trying to air out their room. (Fan on high, windows open all the way, door open, etc) They get questioned, yadda yadda yadda, they get banned from doing experiments in the house

Fun one; they make elephant toothpaste for Luke after he asked about what they do

Super fun one; they pull a Nile Red and do some crazy shit like make paint thinner into soda and have one (or more) of the characters drink it and half way through them drinking it MC just goes "it's actually paint thinner"

MC correcting the shit out of a teacher in RAD and somehow ending up teaching the class. Then there's a video found online of MC teaching the class and they become the resident chemistry nerd and get paid to do other people's work (before Lucy shuts it down 🙄)

Yeah uh

I don't know man I wrote like half of this at like 7 in the morning before my chem final and my brain is still on chem

I'm on break now so I can do whatever I want now but yk

---

Oh yeah here are some clarification things for those who have no clue abt terminology 😭

Transition metals are the columns in the periodic table between column 2 and 13, it's the metals like silver, gold, copper, tungsten, etc

The F block is the elements shoved underneath the rest of the table that realistically start in column 2

More for curious people; mixing CaCl2 and MgS gives you a precipitate (solid) and liquid - more specifically MgCl2 and CaS (this is without balancing them)

Lithium explodes in water - don't listen to google when it says to wash it off your hands with water

Oxidizing copper will basically change its color and make it rust

You make elephant toothpaste by mixing dry yeast, warm water, dish soap, and 3% hydrogen peroxide

wooo ok

Yeah that's it idk I love chemistry it's so fun

<3333

aight

If anyone's interested in my chem cram sheet lmkkk <33333

drink your dihydrogen monoxide <3

Edit;

Here's my cram sheets for those who want it

#dude I love chemistry #chemistry #rant post #kind of #anyway #obey me crack #obey me solomon #obey me shall we date #obey me #obey me luke #obey me shitpost

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