#there's a zillion more things to say about this on both sides but this is all i've got the energy for rn

[madwomansapologist]

a helping hand | nami

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synopsis: Luffy should've know better than being so close to the edge of the ship. Of course he would fall, it was just a matter of time. After you saved him, getting soaked and shivering from the salty water, Nami was so kind to help you get into a hot bath. You just didn't expect her to keep you company. Or to insist on washing your skin for you. [2.4K]

warnings: smut. dubcon. voyeurism. groping. masturbation. fingering. manipulation. dumbification. nudity. body massage. tw: use of 'good girl'. soft dom!nami. yandere!nami? female!reader.

Humming an old song, you walked around the Going Merry deck gathering your scattered materials. You asked Zoro a zillion times to not touch your things but don't matter how much he tries to be blasé: Zoro has a weak point for shining things.

You dropped all the metal pieces on your construction table, and separated everything into piles that looked disorganized but made perfect sense to you.

Still humming, you grabbed your screwdriver and went back to work on your recent project. Explosives are easy to make, but your crew isn't exactly in a position to waste a lot of gunpowder. Just unscrew the right parts, gather the remaining gunpowder from the stray bullets on the deck, connect the right wires and that's it! Usopp will get so happy!

"I need opinions", Sanji entered your room without knocking on the door. He put a dish in front of you, something that smelled so good you didn't even thought about complaining.

You took the silver spoon from him, and you felt how soft the cake was when you cut it. You couldn't help but to close your eyes, enjoying the moment. "You said you needed compliments?"

Sanji almost held your new creation, but the thought of getting his hands dirty convinced him of doing otherwise. "You always know what to say, sweetheart."

"And you al-"

The sound of something heavy falling shut you up. You looked around, fearing that one of the bombs had fallen off your desk, but there was nothing wrong. Then you heard the excruciating scream.

"Luffy", you both said in sintony.

When you both made to the deck, nothing was there. You ran to the other side, but it was just as desolate. "Is everything fine?"

You came back to Sanji, you saw him starring at the ocean. You did the same thing, supporting your body on a rope, and saw. The straw hat was floating.

"Luffy!" Sanji yeled, but received no answers. "Luffy!"

"Why all that noise?" Zoro get out of his room, his wristband resting on top of his three katanas.

"I'm sorry for disturbing your beauty sleep but Luffy fell in the fucking ocean", Sanji started to prepare a floater, working on a strong knot.

Zoro walked towards the boat's ropes, and you kept on looking at the ocean. If you know Luffy well — and you do —, then his hat fell and he didn't thought twice before jumping. You stared at the floating hat, waiting to see a sign of him.

When his hand appeared, a loud gasp stretched your throat. You looked around. Both men were doing the best they could but it wasn't fast enough. So you did the only thing you knew would stop Luffy from drowning.

You dived.

The water was so cold you almost screamed, but you had a better goal in mind. Luffy, even not being able of entering the salty water, would've done the same for you or any of the crew. He wouldn't hesitate. And you can't be weak when your captain is in danger.

You went up to breathe and check where the hat was. Sanji and Zoro shouted, but you were in no condition to hear them. You dived again, this time towards the straw hat.

Luffy struggled, trying to swim upwards, but his body was so heavy. He saw his hands, the sun shining beyond the sea barrier, his hat in the distance. It became difficult to keep his eyes open. His breath had run out so long ago. Desperate, Luffy tried to stretch again.

Something grabbed him, and Luffy tried to fought. He was so lucky for not having the strenght to fight a dove at the moment, because when the thing pulled him to the surface Luffy could finally breath again.

He coughed until all the water inside his lungs were back in the sea. Luffy held onto you. That was the first time you saw him so vulnerable. So in need of help.

"I am here", you tried to calm him down. You put his hat on his head. "I am here, captain."

Your body ached, but you held him and made sure his head wasn't near the sea. Every muscle burned inside of you. They dropped the floater, you put it around Luffy's body. Zoro hoisted him up, you could hear Usopp helping.

When it came down again, you held onto it and let them help you. All your members were shaking, everything was so cold.

Zoro held you and helped you stand on the Going Merry. He was so strong, and yet so gentle. Zoro can try to hide it, but you know his heart is his best quality. Your legs betrayed you when he let you go, but Usopp grabbed you before you could hit the ground.

He helped you sat on the deck, right beside where Luffy layed down. You mirrorred him, facing the sky. You let the breeze invade your lungs, the sky hurt your eyelids, seagulls sang in the distance. Freedom. Absolute freedom. Just like Luffy promissed you.

You breath in, letting the air relax your muscles. A shadow covered you, probably a cloud floating in the atmosphere, the sun couldn't aim you anymore. "You're fine?"

"Are you some kind of hero?" Even with your eyes closed you were still able to see Luffy's smile. "An angel?"

You laughed. It hurted, but it was the kind of pain that don't really matter. "You were drowning."

"I'm talking about my straw hat. You saved it", you heard Luffy sitting. His spirit was back already. Good. Really good. "And she even called me captain!"

"Don't get used to it", you heard Nami. You blinked, trying to expel the salty water from your eyes. Just then you realized that it was her shadow that protect you from the sun. Kneeling by your side, Nami's concern was almost palpable. "You both could've died."

You gave her a beaming smile. "I'm not that easy to kill."

"Me neither!" Luffy jumped from the floor and get on his feet. "Still brand new."

"Annoyingly resilient", Sanji murmured to himself. He approached, another shade preventing the sun from bothering you, and extended his hand. "What a crew!"

Nami pushed his hand away, and extended hers. "Do you think you can walk, brave girl?" Sanji rolled his eyes and followed Luffy, probably to offer him food.

You grabbed her hand, and without effort Nami managed to lift you up. For a moment you felt like you were going to fall, gravity playing tricks on your perception, but Nami held you by the shoulders. You melt between her hands.

"Are you fine?" Nami asked. Her fingers carressed you soggy skin. She squeezed your arm, her warm hands contrasting your icy body. "Do you think you can take a bath?"

"I can't get back to work stinking of fish, can I? Don't worry, I can take care of myself."

"I know. You just don't need to."

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ ⋆✦⋆ ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Leaning against the wall, you watched Nami preparing your bath. She boiled water, filled the bathtub, and now balanced the temperature with cold water. The way she was so exact, careful, made you smile.

She put her hand on the water. "Perfect", Nami murmured to herself. She turned to you, drying her hand on a towel. "Come here."

You were shivering, the clothes weighing you down. The closer you get, the more you felt how hot the water really was. You dipped your hand into the bathtub, an involuntary moan escaped your mouth. "Perfect. Thank you, Nami."

Nami walked away from the bathtub, taking the buckets with her. She placed them at the back of the bath area, and walked to the door. "Take off your clothes," Nami said. You heard the door being locked. "That way the water will cool down."

"Why are you still here?"

"I've told you. I will take care of you", Nami crossed her arms, walking slowly towards you. "Do you need help with you clothes?"

"No, I..." You held your wet clothes, the temperature of your body suddenly increasing. "I would rather not do this in front of you."

"Oh, I get it now", Nami smiled to you as if it was just a normal conversation. "We are girls. There's no need to be shy. Here, let me help you."

Nami touched the hem of your blouse. You tried to pull away, but she pulled you closer. Your chest collided with hers. "It's okay," she began to pull the soaked fabric up. "You trust me, don't you?"

"Of course", it was true. You trusted your life to her before, and you would do it again. You would've died for Luffy early if it was needed, and you would do the same for her. "You know that."

"Then let me help you, huh?" Nami purred against your ear. "Can you do that for me?"

You stopped fighting back. Nami gave your cheek a delicate kiss. "Good girl."

Nami pulled your shirt up, the sticky wet fabric giving you goosebumps as she slid it across your skin. She threw it on the floor, and admired you. You tried to cover your breasts, but Nami held your wrists. "No need to be embarrassed. You're beautiful."

Without being able to answer her, you just watched her kneel in front of you. She undid the buttons on your shorts and pulled them down. You leaned on her shoulders to take them off, Nami smiled at your gesture. She discarded it like the blouse, and rested her hands on your thigh.

"Don't you feel better now?" Her fingers played with the seam of your panties. You closed your legs. "Without all that wet, heavy clothing. Don't you think I did the right thing?"

“I guess so”, you swallowed. When you felt her fingers pulling your panties, the movement so slow it bordered on torture, you closed your eyes tightly. "Nami, I..."

"Open your eyes."

You did as she said. Now naked, you just wanted to hide yourself. Nami smiled at you, her eyes shining. "Enter the water."

You turned to get into the bath, and you did it so quickly it was almost inhuman. Up to your chin in the water, you heard her approaching. She sat on the tube, and grabbed you by your chin. "Feeling good?"

You looked up at her and nodded. "Great", she said. Nami wet the soap and rubbed it on her hand. "Now I'm going to make you feel even better."

She started with your hands. Nami massaged them with so much devotion, so much care, that you almost forgot your shame. The affection rose to your arms. You felt the soap penetrating your skin, taking away the smell of salt. Her hands smooth out the knots in your muscles. When she focused on your shoulders it was impossible not to close your eyes. "Feels so good."

When her hands caressed your breasts, a part of you didn't want to complain or pull away. A part of you asked you to stay there, quiet, and let Nami do whatever she wanted. She always knew what was best for you. And that was the voice you heard.

She squeezed them lightly, slid her fingers through them, pinched your nipples. Nami soaped them, massaged them, worshiped them.

As she dropped her hands, you couldn't help but complain. "Patience, brave girl," Nami scratched your thighs. "Open your legs for me."

And you did as she asked you.

Her fingers ran down your thighs, squeezed your waist, played with your skin. Then they approached the hottest point on your body. The point that seemed to vibrate, boil under the water. You shivered when her finger touched your lips.

Nami's other hand went up your body, her nails scratching your skin, and ended up grabbing your hair. Your head fell back, exposing your neck, and Nami slid her nose against your damp skin. "My girl is so sensitive", she licked the junction of your neck and shoulder.

With her tongue working on your neck, playing with your sensitive skin, her fingers circled your lips. Your nerves screamed under her fingers, your mouth wouldn't stay closed. Nami could turn you over, smear you, twist you: you wouldn't complain.

Her thumb pressed against your clit, the bone slamming into your stiff nerve at an excruciating pace. Nami let go of your hair and moved her hand down to your breasts, playing with your sensitive nipples. You moaned, blurrs glowing in your closed eyelids, and you rolled your hips against her fingers.

Without needing to hear you ask, without even warning you, Nami penetrated you with two fingers. The sounds you made became louder, more needy, and with each movement of your fingers inside you, your body became hotter. You smiled, so immersed in the pleasure that you didn't even notice the lewd way Nami was looking at you.

She curled her fingers. The pressure massaging your walls became too much, and you grabbed her fist. "N-Nami, I..."

"Do it again", Nami bit your neck. She increased the speed of her fingers. As she thrust her fingers into you, her palm bumped against your clit. A shameful sound escaped your pussy. It was so good. So, so good. "Moan my name."

"Nami", you did as she demanded. It was impossible to say anything other than her name. Your moans were so loud, so shameful, you wouldn't think it was impossible for everyone on deck to hear you. But you didn't care. You didn't care about anything. "Don't stop."

Then Nami opened her fingers. She became even more brutal, her hand went back to your hair. She grabbed it tightly, almost really hurting you.

It started as a numbing wave. It passed through your pussy, up your belly, reached your breasts. All your limbs became useless, your mouth hung open, your eyes closed. And when the wave reached your head, you were already unable to breathe. You could only tremble against her fingers.

You squirmed, and it was Nami who kept you sitting down. She continued to fuck you, to torture your clit, to hurt your head. And when you became an empty doll, your mind blank and your body tired, Nami stopped. She didn't take her fingers out of you, feeling the way you still squeezed her. Tender kisses reached your cheeks.

You were the one who initiated the kiss. It was sloppy, you were too weak to do it any other way. You held her by the neck, trembling hands clinging to her soft skin. "Join me."

Nami smiled against your mouth. She stood up, still bent over to continue the kiss. "It will overflow."

"Do you care?"

She didn't.

if you enjoyed, please reblog! i promise it makes a difference ♡

@ madwomansapologist.tumblr.

[ragnarokhound]

trick or treat!! 🧡🖤

Hi Tauria!! Happy Spookmas UwU

Since you shared some behind the scenes verse details with me, I wanted to share some ideas I have cooking for a verse with you!!

This is for the very silly and self-indulgent Little Red Riding Hood AU I thought of a zillion years ago, and it's very much under construction still haha. I've changed a lot of things about the premise from that original post, so here's a breakdown of the idea (with spoilers!) plus a small scene snippet from the beginning of the fic:

Little Red Riding Hood AU:

Fairy tale setting - so think hand-wavingly feudalist kingdom in fantasy land, very 10th Kingdom in its approach.

(Side tangent: 10th Kingdom is an excellent miniseries that I love dearly from the 90s - it features a character named Wolf who is the love interest. No one who's been following me for any length of time would be surprised to discover that I had a massive childhood crush on this man lmfao definitely formative media for me ✨)

Jason is a knight of the realm (who wears a red riding hood ;) ) and his adoptive father Bruce holds a wooded country estate. Sent to war (and presumed dead (!)), Jason hasn't been home in years. He's coming home now, ahead of official correspondence correcting this misconception.

Along the way to Wayne Manor he stops to hunt, but that movement in the bushes wasn't prey; he accidentally grazes a lone wolf. And the wolf isn't very happy about that.

Reminder that this is fairy tale universe; the wolf's cheeks are ruddy, his thick black hair hangs in his pale blue eyes. He's a beautiful creature - but Jason knows better than to let his guard down. Wolves are clever, and that makes them dangerous. They're untrustworthy, and liable to bite. (Enormous prejudice against wolves in fairy tale land that will be unpacked later ;) )

This is, naturally, one big misunderstanding - the wolf thinks Jason attacked him on purpose and lashes out, and Jason's not about to sit back and let a wolf kill him. They get into a scuffle (riddled with banter and sexual tension of course) that only ends when Jason has him pinned to the forest floor with a blade against his throat-- but he hesitates to kill him.

As they catch their breath, they realize their errors, and Jason gets a name out of him. Delivered with no small amount of sass.

“My, Tim, what a big mouth you have,” Jason says dryly. “Don’t make me say it,” the wolf, whose name is apparently Tim, groans. But his pale eyes flash yellow as they flicker down the length of Jason’s body to the place their hips have met, his pink tongue swiping out to wet his lip. Jason catches sight of a sharp white fang, and abruptly his breeches feel tighter across the front. “But it’s right there,” Jason says absently, leaning in closer almost against his will. He doesn’t mean for his knife to break skin, but Tim’s throat bobs against the edge as he swallows, calling up a thin red line. Jason can feel the rush of his breath, soft across his own chin. He watches, fascinated, as the black swallows the blue of Tim’s eyes. “Fine, Sir Red-Riding-Hood. The better to taste you with, you brute,” he murmurs, and Jason closes the gap between them.

After, they part ways, both satisfied with the encounter and with the happy memories they'll be keeping for long nights ahead. ;)

Jason advises Tim not to sneak about in these woods if he can help it; he'd hate it if Tim were reduced to nothing more than a pelt adorning some hunter's wall. Tim teases back that Jason himself might prefer that honor, then melts back into the shadowed boughs of the forest. Goddamn.

aw, a happy ending! Right?

When Jason gets home, shocking Bruce and Alfred with his arrival (and the whole 'not dead' thing) (i'm still waffling on whether Jason knew about his presumed death lmao) Jason himself is shocked to discover that the son of their tragically departed neighbors the next county over, who has been staying with Bruce and Alfred for most of the years since Jason's departure, is none other than Tim. The wolf Jason just said his farewells to yesterday in the woods.

Cue the rest of the fic.

A discord message I sent to a friend when I was explaining Jason and Tim's feelings about this mutual revelation of their identities:

Jason, pulling Tim aside and whispering harshly: what do you think you're doing here, do they know you're a wolf, what are your intentions did you think to replace me-- Tim, whispering equally harshly: I swear I had no idea who you were, but youve been gone for years you have NO idea what it's been like while you were away, so don't you DARE-- Jason: I was AT WAR-- Tim: AND I THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, HOWEVER--

Obviously, they fall in love.

(For the trick or treat ask game! Send me a trick or treat ask and I'll share jaytim WIP snippets, or new 3-sentence -paragraph fics, etc :^) through the 31st!)

[exitmurderer]

Words, words, words

'Explain all that,' said the Mock Turtle. 'No, no! The adventures first,' said the Gryphon in an impatient tone: 'explanations take such a dreadful time.'

I came to the show later than most of my crew/coven/cadre. And I said my goodbye last summer, long before the final shows. And it's not like I saw it that many times, compared to some (once for every card in the deck, plus a Joker). But here I am now, on this rickety old platform, mostly to give thanks to the other denizens, whether they're still hanging on (hi, Scorched) or long-gone. This place was a lifeboat for me, starved for information and connection after my first show, unable to get back to NYC for a very long time after (a story for another occasion, one that definitely doesn't need to be here). Do I have anything more to say about that show, that place, that's different from what so many people, fans since 2011 or performers hired since the pandemic, have to say? I doubt it. Let's end (?) on this, some posts I thought of but never made. Because why not?

More personal info about my connections in theater and augmented-reality games (nah, I'm just not built to be that self-revelatory).

Comparisons of the pre-show speeches in SNM and other productions such as Third Rail's, how they calibrate the audience (or don't), what the intent is, how they compare to the briefings in Nordic-style larps.

Pointless meanderings about the fandom and superfans (or whatever you want to call them) and how they weren't anticipated by Punchdrunk initially.

A zillion more links to SNM performers in music videos and such.

Which emoji best corresponds to each character, a chart.

It seems a bit silly to leave the ring quest in post-Careena.

A best guess at the chocolate blood formula.

An analysis of the program (the French fold version).

The parties sure are loud!

Anxiety!

Any number of reactions from theater and fiction friends who went only once, or who auditioned, or both.

A lot of things change your life; your life gets changed every week. But certainly, this show changed my life in a big way. I made friends on both sides of the non-existent curtain, and we did fun and worthy things both inside and outside the show (Lost Immersive, represent). I will miss it, will miss running around in the dark, will miss the locked eyes and the offered hands. On to the next adventure.

[inventors-fair]

Rewind Commentary: To Years Ahead

What a year, captain.

The Fair has been going for a lot longer than I ever though I'd be with it for, and yet, it's one of those moments where you don't think about how long something's been in your life until the rest of life starts moving faster. Like...a suitcase, a microwave, a particular book, the position of photographs on a wall. A set of draft sleeves. A pack you've never opened.

2024 is going to bring a lot more cards and lot more shakeup. The product lineup is as big as it's ever been and the cards we can make are as weird as they're ever going to get. Magic has a way of surprising us more than we can articulate until the cardboard hits the table. For the time being, though, we've got jobs to do, and that job right now is commentary.

When we go into the new year, there may be some upcoming changes to how commentary goes about. I've written a novel's worth of commentary this year alone, and we've reached a point where that's just not sustainable. We'll be talking more about this in January, but in the meantime, we do want to know: what alternate forms of commentary would be helpful for you all? The manpower that goes into writing is daunting, to say the least.

Let us know what you think. In the meantime, here's what I think about the cards this week:

~

@bergdg — Lekti, Naktamun Survivor

I don't know what to call this card past it being generally 'good.' It's a typally-relevant commander that fills a niche, and I do respect that. Jeskai pseudo-impulse is a good constructed archetype for sixty-card decks. Commander-wise? There's this inherent issue of every card having some kind of relevance or impact with no repeats. For variance, I get it, it can make for fun gameplay. Whether or not it feels good to lose one of two important cards makes it difficult to decide whether or not it's worth attacking.

But it's a fine blocker, too. There's a bit of a fun twist where you're rewarded for having both Bird/Phoenix cards AND having noncreature spells, so you can build off of the prowess or off of the fliers, your call. Which one would you pitch, though? I don't think that this is necessary the best benefit for either side centrally. Now if you want to have this as just a "good Jeskai card," then I can futz with it. As for whether or not is has a strictly strong identity in either direction, I'm not seeing that with this iteration.

~

@dabudder — The Darkin War

League of Legends, more like...reading the wiki was definitely helpful here. I have absolutely no history with this franchise or its lore. Deep, yes, absolutely, or at least expansive—impressively so. I think this is one instance where familiarity deepens the meaning far more significantly than it would be with just using guesswork or whatever, because that last chapter made no sense until I saw what the sealing process was for the, uh... I've been awake for 22 hours and forget a bunch of names, I'll admit.

What I like about the design is its clear commitment to commander-focused interaction. Two creatures fighting each other can be extremely powerful even at "sorcery speed," as it were. Even then, I'm not a huge fan of that transformation, not because it's not cool but because it's opening up a whole lot of weird doors. Counters, being permanent, can get messy when they remain on the swordified creatures. What about massive token/counter decks? Blinking? Tracking a board state can be easy on Arena, but definitely not on paper. Conditions that grant equipment cool abilities are nice, but I feel that the complexity you're asking for is more than needs to be handled.

~

@deg99 — Draugki, Immersturm Tyrant

I knew something was weird about this wording but I wasn't sure what. I think the problem is that you're trying to do a zillion things at once that grok but don't grok with wording. Rakshasa Vizier and Old Rutstein want to help. Each one kinda wants to be a separate trigger, and each one also kinda wants to be an "if this, then this" clause, and together... Eugh. "Whenever one or more cards are put into exile from a graveyard, if a creature card was put into..." No, because the "this way" or "that way" wouldn't necessarily work. I honestly don't know how to work with this one.

But, this second paragraph is being written several hours later, so I can say with confidence that I still don't know. Tired-me had something going on. "Whenever a spell or ability exiles one or more cards from graveyards" allows for "this way" to happen, which this card may or may not need to make all these abilities work. It's quite frustrating how well it groks versus the wording that would have to go into it. To be honest, having this be an end step trigger that looks at all the things that were exiled from a graveyard over the course of a turn might make it easier. If anything I truly want to convey how cool a card this is conceptually. I would have loved to have polished this in the workshop with you.

~

@dimestoretajic — Jeskai, The Way to the Eye

I had kinda forgotten that the clans were named after dragons. Were they? ... Okay, research into this reveals nothing so far, but that's how it is. Maybe the new ones were and the old ones kinda were, I have no idea. REGARDLESS. In terms of elder dragon lore, this is kind of a weird one. Even though I'm personally a fan of a big dragon teaching little humanoids martial arts in a teacherly manner, that doesn't feel exactly draconic to me, certainly not with the dragons of Tarkir. I'm not sold yet.

Mechanics are pretty great though. If there's a way to cheat spells, well, this card certainly does that. One free counterspell on each of your opponents' turns sounds amazing. Actually, that sounds awful to play against. Maybe "each of your turns" would be a little better. But the idea is solid! Let's talk about wording, though, and I wanna stress how much Oracle text helps to make these cards better for you. For the second line, you need "instant and sorcery SPELLS" instead of just "instants and sorceries." For the third, I believe it would be worded: "You may pay {0} rather than pay the mana cost for the first noncreature spell with mana value 4 or less you cast each turn." Wordier, but necessary.

~

@hypexion — Prism Shifter

Now this is a fun little evoke trick. Kind of. The thing is, like with Banishing Light and such effects, you'd have to know to stack the triggers in such a way so as to get the effect right and blink your target from the exhume trigger. That said, the "flashback for creature effects" feels like a sweet spot with unearth that you can do for cheaper, and this card in particular feels like a strong contender for versatility. (And, as was pointed out after I wrote this, a strong contender for making sure that you check your wording so this can't exile itself next time...)

The comparisons to unearth will be pretty stark, though—and the inability to attack would be a majorly divisive factor. But, this is still one card of however many, and I think that we're in a place that it's okay to have this kind of mechanic in a set as necessary and flavorful. I wonder where you imagined it and what kind of identity you see, because it's not really worded like Lorwyn's elementals usually are, and it implies color-crystal-y possibilities, and the mechanic itself is kinda macabre but not really... Actually that's another wonder. Why that name in particular for the mechanic? I suppose it makes the most sense. When it shares a name with another MTG card I can see where comparisons would be drawn but there really are only so many words that would fit. Maybe additional flavor exploration would yield a different result?

~

@i-am-the-one-who-wololoes — Unexpected Voyage

Oddly enough, this vibe feels a little unnaturally mean to me—for green, I mean. Green is the color of community, and this card specifically represents a group of...villagers (?) sneaking away from a village for an unknown reason, and maybe they're being chased, maybe they're vagrants and thieves, maybe they're just adventurers, but I don't know what the mood-to-card connection is. Perhaps "mean" isn't the right word that I'm looking for. It's simply off-putting; I don't have the full idea of what you're looking to convey.

What I do know is that the one thing this card could use would've been an off-color kicker. We have anti-search and searching-punishment effects, and those are primarily in black, adjacently in blue and white and kinda red, too. Green has nothing to do with one's ability to search a library by itself, and certainly not with an effect that also locks out things like Field of Ruin effects or whatever. Even if it was, why does the ability read for the next time and not that they just can't search this turn? I don't get this card flavorfully or mechanically; it's Rampant Growth with extra steps that's expecting me to meet it halfway and I don't know how.

~

@izzet-always-r-versus-u — Locked Room

So something tells me that you intended to do the whole Oblivion Ring trick here, oui? Sacrificing the room with the trigger on the stack and exiling something forever? Or perhaps that's unintentional... (For those of you not in the know, what you can do with this particular set of effects is something people used to do with Oblivion Ring, where you got rid of O-Ring with its exile trigger on the stack, and so it wasn't on the battlefield when the return trigger would've happened, leaving the Thing in perma-exile.) If that was intentional, then shame on you for the exploit—only because it doesn't grok well, though. The stack is, as I've found, a pain in the butt to explain to burgeoning players.

I suppose for the "return" contest it works fine; the "sacrifice" contest was supposed to be a wee bit weirder with it. I don't hate this card but it sure doesn't sit well with me for the exploit reason and that alone. Otherwise, hey, it's kinda awesome if you think about it from a twist on the Cinderella (Beauty and the Beast?) perspective. With a little nastier sending-away, perhaps. Limited is full of these effects and that's totally fine. The question is what could be done to avoid that exploit. Perhaps two different kinds of sacrifice triggers, one to leave permanently exiled, one to just draw? I'unno, there are lots of options.

~

@just--a--penguin — Karrthus, Essence of Jund

I'm gonna level with you, captain: if I'm sacrificing my dragons, I want a better effect than this at a cheaper cost. If I have to sacrifice three creatures each turn in order to get a big thing, then I want it worth my while. How many dragons do you think it would take for this to be not just a waste of dragons? Maybe underwhelming-ness aside, this card conceptually would be cool. Karrthus is an awesome character—for being a giant screaming flesh dragon, anyway. The fact that he's destroying other dragons is pretty rad for him.

Still, dragons are one of those things you want to keep around. Why would I sacrifice my other dragons if I could instead keep them around? What kind of deck does this card want to be run in? If you run it in a little-creature sacrifice deck that makes lots of sacrifices, you're going to want your dragons to support that, i.e. stick around. If you're running a deck with a lot of big dragons, you'd want them to be impactful beforehand and you probably aren't making that many sacrifices each turn. Y'feel me? This card is pulling in two directions and not quite meeting in the middle.

~

@nine-effing-hells — The Brothers Wittebane (JUDGE PICK)

Once more we step into the territory of thank-goodness-Abel-actually-knows-a-media-property. Y'all would be astounded by how much I don't know. Witches and Alex Hirsch, though? We're right on schedule. I think that this card as well makes perfect sense for the story that it's trying to tell, and I like the fact that, in line with some of the other sagas from Magic's past, it tells the story of a long-ago moment with real-time consequences. Yeah, I know that's what all sagas are supposed to do, but this one feels more apt considering how linearly the story goes and how directly it can be followed. I also just happen to know it better and it's based on a really straightforward section of a story.

It also follows that the simplicity has led to a card that's more or less fine, but not explosively spine-tingling. It's certainly useful and good for deadly-taxey kind of decks—remarkably so, in fact. Perhaps I'm underestimating this in the late-game stages, where you can boardwipe, play this, and your opponent's locked down for a turn while you're drawing removal spells and whatnot. Is this far better than I'm giving credit for? Perhaps! It's happened before. I've also faced down some really frustrating Doom Foretold decks, so, y'know, I've had my share of run-ins with this kind of build. But overall I like this card a lot and appreciate its existence! Kinda want to make double-sided human tokens now...

~

@railway-covidae — Nab

I had forgotten about this contest! I liked it a lot, from what I remember. I think. I know that I was the one running it because it's a weird one. Love what you've done with it, though, great use of an action piece. On terms of having a neat name, that's a success. If I recall, I wanted something that was a little different or out of color for the piece in question, but whatever, this card is still kinda cool.

I say "kinda" because the flavor implied is great and the card's execution could use a lot of work. You've got this part where you're stealing a small artifact (or artifact token!) but not giving it haste, which is still relevant in any format that has artifact tokens. It's so narrow that, at common, it would get passed around the draft pod without having any use beyond sideboarding—and even then I dunno what you'd really want it for. And there's no fun flavor text to boot! Still, the biggest question is: at common, what could this card do to make itself more playable or prominent? How can you keep the effect with the art but lose the baggage of that narrowness?

~

@reaperfromtheabyss — Maroon on the Reefs (JUDGE PICK)

I think this card is more blue than maroon, but whatever, that's just a theory—a color theory. Regardless, the only mechanical thing I would change is from "you don't control" to "your opponents control" in the vein of Bond of Discipline. The way this card can curve out allows for whatever blue 3-4 drops you got to swing on in, and if you're running a second color, you can have a little extra aggro for a turn to really close out games and/or find answers to the massive cards your opponents play. But maybe the Islands are key. Is this worth going primarily into the one color? I'd argue that the amount of stunning says yes for limited.

The Islands being a limiting factor is always going to hinder a card like this, but that's just what happens, really. These kinds of cards like the BRO uncommon cycle will always be a little iffy except in the late-late game. Flavorfully, I really think you could've condensed the flavor text to be more ominous. The "thankfully" there feels almost sardonic in an otherwise serious card, and I don't feel that it's necessary all things considered. The danger of the Hullscrape Labyrinth (which is a pretty awesome name) is what I want to focus on here. Pirates in danger, y'know? More a tale to scare the young sea-dogs.

~

@sparkyyoungupstart — Countdown to Destruction

Power Rangers, on the other hand, is something I haven't watched since I was probably five or six. Hoo boy. Thankfully, the wiki condensed this and the finale was available online. Your art direction being a little more abstract reminded my of the Doctor Who sagas, in a way, with the portrait of the episode being a bit more spread out. I do like how sagas look, which is fun for this card. I'm praising this part because there's a lot mechanically that I'm not quite meeting. As for whether or not this fits the show precisely, I'm not one to say; I think that you did the best you could with what was available, even if I don't get the menace part necessarily.

What we have here is an issue with the downsides. Giving all your opponents' creatures menace on turn five means that you'll be dead before you get to boardwipe unless your opponent is terribly far behind. The fact that you're also sacrificing one of your blockers on chapter II says a lot as well. If your opponent just wants to swing with what they have, hey, that works, and then they'll hold back until their stuff is more-or-less destroyed. The "survivors turn into humans" is fun flavorfully but really doesn't have meaning in any average game. The minimal amount of indestructibility makes this more confusing than intuitive. The long and short of it is that this card would be fun to think about but, in-game, it'll kill you right after the novelty wears off.

~

@squeezyboi — Gavi's Contingency (JUDGE PICK)

I really don't think this is as powerful as Fierce Guardianship. Thank goodness. I hate that card with a burning passion, except not really. This card's still ridiculously powerful if you have a hate-on-sight Voltron-y commander, but not so much that it's comparable to any other counterspell. Plus, it doesn't counter boardwipes and stuff. The fact that it's almost better than negate is still incredible, though, with the added Preordain for one generic more at instant speed. Should this cost 2UU for that? I honestly think it might, but that may be my Legacy brain kicking in.

I don't even think I need to talk about the flavor. It's so good! Ikoria is a complicated world and I wish we had stayed there for more than one set. So many of these worlds needed more than just one set. I'm eternally pissed at WotC for skipping around to these set-dressing one-and-done theme-of-the-week places, but I've said as much a zillion times before. Gavi is a pretty cool character from what I just read up on, and a mother's love is indeed conquering here. This is a moment where she gets to exert a little more power in a way that's heartwarming, to say the least. Commander cards don't get as much love in the story that much, but this one makes me feel a bit better about her, y'know? Good card, good direction, good feelings.

~

@wildcardgamez — Armont and the Beasts (JUDGE PICK)

Reading up on the lore behind Armont and the story involved, this is a really interesting card that passes for a lot more mechanically than it does story-wise, and yet the story doesn't entirely fall flat. Turning everything into monsters is one thing, but then they get more powerful, and then presumably Armont destroys the curse of the monster role. Right? But there's a zillion monster roles and only one destruction, so I guess that's THAT story... Heh. All semantics. Doesn't matter when you have something this strong.

I played an incredible amount of WOE. Trample was far more powerful than I thought it would be. The ability to have a Thrive-like effect, but perma-trample and also holy crap, Tanglespan Lookout—yeah, there's a lot going on. I think in the right shell this card can overwhelm your opponents easily. In many shells, it can overwhelm folks, because again, boost plus saga, pseudo-overrun, yadda yadda. I would've loved to have played with this card! Whether or not that kind of effect would be a bit much for the set is debatable. I'm glad that Auras were the theme above something like adventures for the archetype, though. Much more powerful.

See y'all on the flip, kids. @abelzumi

[jerzwriter]

Would it bother you if someone else picked the same FC you use for your MC for their own?

Hey Nonny,

You're going for simple questions that never cause controversy in the fandom, I see! 😂😂 This tends to be a loaded question, and I have mixed feelings about it.

Let's be the mature adults we're supposed to be for a moment. No one owns an FC. So none of us have the right to claim exclusive rights. However, fandom etiquette dictates you should refrain from using another creator's FC. (Note: I've never seen a copy of this fandom etiquette book, copies are not provided when you join.... but god forbid you don't adhere!)

But, my personal opinion is if you know someone else is using an FC, the polite thing to do is to find another. There are a zillion to choose from. At a minimum, if you are aware that another creator is using an FC, shoot them a DM and ask if they mind if you use it too. People take a lot of time to select their FCs, and while we have no claim to them, we should do our best to be considerate of others.

Please note the bold and italics. In the same way, we don't get that etiquette book upon fandom entry, we don't get a masterlist of all FCs used by all creators either. It's impossible to know every FC used by everyone. Sometimes people will innocently use an FC that is already in use. It's happened to me in both directions. I promise you I wasn't aware the FCs I selected were used by others until the hate anons poured in. I like to give others the same benefit of the doubt if they use an FC that I do. (I hope it goes without saying that if you feel the urge to send anyone hate anon over this - or really anything else - seek help because it's not normal or cool.)

In my opinion, there are levels. If someone uses an FC for a side character, I don't see it as much of a big deal as if they use it for, say, the same MC in the same Choices story.

I also don't think it is as upsetting if they use it for another Choices story. For example, if someone uses an Open Heart MC FC as their It Lives MC's FC. But that's just my opinion.... and we know what they say about those. I've had my head chewed off and been accused of heresy for doing just that - even though I had no freaking idea someone was using the FC I selected in a fandom I don't even follow.

As with most matters, if this happens: 1) Try not to take offense. It really isn't always about us. When I've had this happen to me, I legit think, well, this person has excellent taste! 2) If this happens to you and you're upset, politely reach out to the other creator and discuss it frankly and civilly. NEVER resort to hate anons or flipping out to the entire fandom, save the one person you should be discussing it with.

So after that long-ass answer... lol... Personally, I'm more attached to some of my FCs than others. For some, it wouldn't be phased at all. For others, NGL, I wouldn't be happy, but again, what can you do? There are bigger problems in the world. If it wasn't done maliciously, I'd smile and move on with my day. Rule of thumb, assume good intentions unless you know for a fact otherwise.

[stanestreet]

Regular readers will know that the complete politicization of arts criticism is something that gets my goat. It manifests in a couple of ways: one, diversity/progressiveness has been repurposed as a marketing tool, and journalists play along with this, because it’s easier to write about the ideological content of an artwork for a mass audience than it is to appraise its technical details. And not just easier, but more likely to attract eyeballs. So any low-key project tends to get sold as smashing an identity based frontier—the first Korean-American romcom! A feminist reappraisal of Rose West!

Then, after the artwork is released, it fuels Discourse. You get a zillion thinkpieces on the “message” of Barbie—too much Ken? yass kween to America Ferrara’s inspiring patriarchy speech! yawn to America Ferrara’s paint-by-numbers patriarchy speech!—and relatively little on its artistic choices (e.g. the clever construction of Barbieland as a consistent world, such as having no water in the showers).

Here’s Adam Kotsko in the Atlantic on why “moralism is ruining cultural criticism”:

Every artwork is imagined to have a clear message; the portrayal of a given behavior or belief is an endorsement and a recommendation; consumption of artwork with a given message will directly result in the behaviors or beliefs portrayed. This is one of the few phenomena where the “both sides” cliché is true: Left-wing critics are just as likely to do this as their right-wing opponents. For every video of a right-wing provocateur like Ben Shapiro decrying the woke excesses of Barbie, there is a review praising the Mattel product tie-in as a feminist fable.

I’m with my colleague Yair Rosenberg, who sees this as a market issue. There’s a demand for this stuff, so people supply it. We’ve switched from a review culture (is this well directed? acted? written?) to an opinion culture (what does it say about the Yanamamo).

Also, he suggests, people banging out opinion on Barbie (guilty as charged) feel a bit bad that they’re not war correspondents, so they pretend that having an opinion on a new film is a vital weapon in the war on inequality and prejudice. “The deep-seated need to justify one’s own relevance is how we end up with cultural criticism that evaluates art as politics, rather than as art which also has political elements,” writes Rosenberg. “It’s how we get Playstation 5 reviews that scold people for owning one and being excited about it, because purportedly only privileged people do things like that.”

Helen Lewis

[thedawningofthehour]

While reading a discussion about the pacifism in ATLA I came across this post, If Bella and Pax are meant to represent the paradox of tolerance I want imagine Bella addressing this at some point.

From the Manga Beastars

Peace is an easy thing to break, so you have to be strong to keep it.

That's a banger of a quote, and definitely fitting for Bella.

I don't know if she'd say it in quite so many words though? Bella, while she has a maxed out Intelligence stat, isn't really geared towards stuff like philosophy or social sciences. She'd agree, she just...hasn't really thought about her exact morals that much. Maybe she'll refine it a bit as time goes on.

But yeah, I could see a Bella who hadn't gotten her head smashed a zillion times in the Nexus saying something like this. Draxum blames the humans because he thinks her parents' deaths were inevitable-they chose to live around humans and humans will always end up killing whoever's different. Pax blames everyone equally because he thinks of it as another chapter in the everlasting war between humans and Yokai, and both sides will continue killing each other for past wrongs until everyone lays down their weapons. Bella blames the inciter and all the people who didn't shut that shit down. It all could have been avoided if people were more knowledgeable, less afraid. If one person had stood up and gone "what the fuck guys."

[dumuzithemessiah]

Irony of Straight Bastards + truth + warning

Straight People: Baww homosexuals are evil and deserve to be hated!!!

Also Straight People: Have a fucking history of spreading hate, intolerance, discrimination, racism, homophobia, violence, murder, war, terror, and evil all in the name of their blood covered man made religions with Christianity and Islamism being some of the worst religions that were man made!

Straight People: Bawww god hates gays!

Reality check: No deity hates gays and deities are either gay or bi and the one who created the Kosmos and original First Universe is gay! We can same sexually breed!

How do I know that? ‘Cause I’m the deity who created the Kosmos and First Universe, that’s why!

I’m married to Marduk! Pronounced Mar-duke! Another male! He’s my husband and I am his male wife!

So get a reality check you cancerous straight assholes because your beliefs are all lies you spread to control and terrorise all kinds of lives solely for being different from you and your hateful ass ways!

Also Christian church priests have a history of history of being pedos so lol you compare gays with pedos when pedos are in your ugly ass church of hate? Get a brain you delusional hateful straight assholes!

Plus most people in jail are heterosexual evil fiends!

Also hell isn’t the Underworld aka Kohora as Kohora aka the Underworld is a paradise magical surreal world! It isn’t hellish or horrible!

Heaven and hell aren’t real! All made up by evil lying murderous bloodthirsty pricks!

Man made religions are all evil! And against the Universal Council Laws!

All because they spread wicked evil energy that damages the Kosmos!

The Kosmos is the heart and soul of the Universe! If he is damages then he sends shockwaves that have a problem as they damage other planets including Earth!

Zillions have died from those shockwaves including people from Earth as remember that earthquake in the Middle East? Turkey-Syria ones?

Those were from the shockwaves hitting Earth! Other recent “natural” disasters are from those shockwaves too!

Humans who worship man made religions are responsible for all those deaths!

On Judgement Day don’t say I didn’t warn you humans! Because not solely will just Nibirians will come to take down humanity but other alien races as well who are rightfully angry with humans and humanity’s evil selfish dictating blood covered barbaric ways they have shown throughout history but still go on today!

I created the original Kosmos, the original First Universe, and split my soul to create my other siblings The Holy Four Kosmos Deities because I wanted to be loved and protect who I loved and cared about both family and friends!

When I fought Ishtayr when she was The Great Evil Herself in the First Universe and cast a spell that shattered my siblings whom together we make up of The Holy Four Kosmos Deities caused the Multiverse to exist!

And no making a decision doesn’t create another universe where you made a different decision…

Over years though since I returned in the current universe aka Eighth Universe I learned to protect I sometimes have to be scary to protect what I care about..

“I created the original Kosmos and original First Universe because I wanted to be loved and protect who I loved and cared about both family and friends!”

Proves me better as a god compared to hateful evil false deity Yahweh Jehovah! Yahweh gets his name from an evil elf I killed body and soul named Yahweh Yehovah!

And the fact I had to learn to be scary to protect what I care about and what horrible messed up things Ishtayr did to me proves me more a deity that is a tragic hero than anything…

I only get angry with humans because they continue to do things that spread hate, lies, death, murder, genocide, and war!

I would never kill someone solely for being LGBT like the false fictional Christian deity!

Or kill those who I deem a mistake!

I do have a fair side to me but sometimes I can’t be fair because evil doers make it that way!

Humans aren’t fair so I cannot be fair with them as they have proven to be villainous and evil!

Considering on Nibiru which is the most advanced magical planet and where gods and goddesses are from that fact I am loved by all truly shows humans are messed up!

Just because my main types are Ice/Dark/Plant doesn’t mean I am a bad guy!

Ishtayr whom is the Multiverse’s worst enemy main three types are Rock/Light/Fire!

So I have the type disadvantage but I know I will be able to defeat her!

I have all other deities and my main three other siblings The Holy Four Kosmos Deities aka Dumuzi[[me]], Kosmin, Lumuzi, and Geshtinonna!

Geshtinonna was incorrectly called Geshtinanna by Sumerians who knew jack shit about deities!

Deities have reverse gender standards compared to human gender norms!

Males are pretty, cute, and better at magic! Females are macho and burly and better at physical strength!

So we are nothing like you! Deities and other Nibirians are literally anthropomorphic bipedal toon like short animals with manes!

Deities are divine felines with a crystal horn, mane, males have markings like toeless knee high socks markings, elbow fingerless glove markings, coloured ears, coloured tail, etc!

While both genders have three toed paw markings on their chests and eyeshadow markings and Y shaped tails!

All Nibirians can same gender breed!

So be warned humans! Your time is getting shorter and shorter!

Try to abandon your man made religions and do actual good if you want to at least reincarnate!

All other advanced aliens can same gender breed! Having a cooch isn’t needed have a child!

For Nibirians our child comes out in a light from our stomach so the mother regardless of male or female can hold their newborn!

Oh an humans? You are not above all other life period! Stop acting like you are! As you’re not superior period! But a species that proved to be evil throughout history and today based on your species’s own actions!

That is one of the reasons why you will be exterminated on Judgement Day!

It’s not my fault you did all this!

[olderjodijournals]

Monday, October 2, 2000

Took some gorgeous sunrise pictures the other day. The sun was so reddish that it looked more like a sunset. It’s so cool how you can actually see the sun rising up over the horizon, unlike back east. It’s just not flat enough back east.

Anyway, I have a zillion things to catch up on. First of all, we got the big-screen TV, and I ordered a mural!! I never would’ve gotten the mural if Tom hadn’t accidentally gotten credit from Lowe’s Hardware. Let me go in order of events…

First of all, we’re both doubting Dan’s here. When Tom was coming home one day he saw the people a couple of properties ahead of Dan’s, that you can’t see from this house cuz of too much vegetation in the way (you could easily see 4 or 5 properties in Phoenix!), pull out in front of him, then turn into Dan’s. Well, as I’ve been saying, it’s been awfully quiet over there, not to mention the gate being open funny and the strange lighting patterns. Dan never leaves outside lights on overnight. He also guns his engines much more often, for more than a minute at a time, and he blasts music, too.

On the other hand, the people could’ve been going just to visit. Remember, these properties are huge. No one walks from property to property here. Even next door drove over here when they came to ask us about those stray dogs. I also thought I saw him in his standard white T and cap, but couldn’t swear to it cuz the person was so far away; around 500’ away.

Saturday morning we headed for Lowe’s first and got held up by creepers both ways. I just don’t get why the fuck everyone’s so afraid to drive the speed limit out here. We just can’t go anywhere without some creep holding us up! Anyway, I was really surprised Lowe’s had murals. I didn’t think they would. They didn’t have the water lamp.

Tom picked up some hooks for his pegboard, a blank faceplate for where the satellite connection used to be, and I picked out a decorative faceplate for the kitchen light switch. It’s a soft pastel-colored tulip design with pink, blue and yellow. After Tom dragged me around the store for what seemed like an eternity, we finally found the wallpaper section. The one I picked out is what I figured I pick – something tropical. A palm-treed beach scene. The only negative is that it’s close to 6’ wide and not 8’, so once it’s centered on the wall it’s going on, there’ll be a foot-and-a-half gap on either side. It’s 6’4” wide and 8’ tall. I’m going to have it come down from the ceiling. There’ll probably be about 2’ of space under it. We didn’t want it delivered to the house since people have such a hard time finding the place, so we’ll pick it up at Lowe’s in a couple of weeks. We got an awesome deal on the thing, too. I expected it’d cost around $80, but instead it was on sale for $45. Tom applied for a credit card with them, expecting to get rejected and expecting to get a watch they offer for applying, but to his surprise, he got accepted.

Later...

Although I still have a lot to write about, I took a break so I could get my workout out of the way, and watch a movie on the big TV. I also saw part of an old rerun of Little House on the Prairie, and was like – wow!

After we left Lowe’s, we went to Mary and Dave’s. We weren’t there long. We said hello to Mom, grabbed a soda to share, a cookie for me, and then loaded up the TV and file cabinet. Once we got home, Tom pulled the stairs away so that Dave could back the truck right up to the door. That made bringing in the TV much easier.

I wasn’t happy to find that while we were out, Jehovah’s Witnesses had stopped by. You mean to tell me that out here, where people live on 10-acre ranches, religious fanatics badger people? Great. All the more reason to appreciate the exterior fence with the no-trespassing signs it’ll have once we get them up in God knows how many years. I want it to be a real bitch for anyone to come to the door. I want them to have to get out of their car and then to have to climb over a barbed-wire fence if they want to come to these doors that bad.

Anyway, Mary and Dave didn’t stay long. I showed them my office since Tom and I swapped desks, gave them cans of soda for the road, then off they went.

So, we’ve gone from a 19” TV to a 25” TV and now to a 46” TV! I can’t believe someone just gave us this TV, and that Lowe’s had murals! We are going to be so compensated for this! I tremble just thinking about it! No one gives us something for nothing in God’s eyes, not that we’ve never given them anything or that Tom hasn’t done anything for them. Still, what’s acceptable for others isn’t always acceptable for us. Meaning that it may be OK in God’s eyes for some people to do 50% for someone who’s done them 100%, but we’re expected to do 150% for those who do us 100%.

The TV screen doesn’t feel like glass like regular TVs do, cuz it’s literally a TV screen. It’s a type of vinyl material with tiny grooves that the picture projects onto. If you get too far toward the sides of it, the picture gets darker and harder to see.

Anyway, it’s awesome, and so is its sound. It sounds almost as good as the speakers that we always had hooked to our other TVs, so when I want to play the 70s and 80s music stations, I get great sound. This is the kind of TV apartment tenants would love to have to sic on other tenants. Especially in a culture that believes music is something to be shared. People in houses would love it, too. Primarily where the houses were just a few feet apart. You can really open the windows and let the sound out!

It was so nice to finally go out together someplace other than to courts, dentists, therapists and shit like that. It was so nice to go out simply to have fun and get something fun for us.

So, going from room to room, I still have the blue card table and the walker stored in the retreat, along with a big stuffed animal, and a couple of other little odds and ends. All I have on those walls are a couple of small cactus pictures I printed/framed. The small shelves that were in my office holding my box, one of the stereo speakers, and a doll or two, are now in the bedroom by his side of the bed. It’s got dolls and books on it for the most part. As for wall changes in there, I took down the Indian picture that was by my side of the bed and centered it over my desk in the office. It looks great there. Its brown frame goes well with the brown desk. I only have 5 things in the bedroom, and boy does it look great in there. I have the pastel ballerina picture on his side of the bed over the shelves and another cute pastel picture of a little girl and boy on a beach on my side of the bed. They go well together. Over the bed is a long picture of cute puppies and flowers. Towards the front of the room, closer to the dresser than the bed, I have a brown shelf on the wall outside the closet, and a fancy mask opposite that by the bathroom door.

In the living room, just inside the front door to the right, is that large picture of a field of purple flowers with mountains in the background. To the left of the door and to the left of the windows, is that picture I printed out of bunnies. This is also where we put the 25” TV (I guess the 19” will go in his office). To the right of the windows is a contemporary drawing of a woman’s face, then I put my 3 black plastic musical notes on the wall behind the mice, each one higher than the other, following the rising slant of the ceiling. The mural is going to go straight across from the front door where the rats are, and to go with it, I put a long tropical picture on the wall to the right of it. The musical notes used to be to the right of the back door, but now there’s a mirror there. I took down the piano picture that was to the left of this door and put up a tiger picture (the piano picture not only broke out of its frame, but it isn’t even wrapped in plastic like my other frameless pictures are). The tigers had been in the den where the big TV is now. Because it’s nearly as tall as I am, I don’t have anything in the center there behind it, but to the left of the TV, to balance off with our wedding picture to the right, I put a cactus picture up. The loveseat is now where the entertainment center used to be, and this is where that long tropical picture was. I put my pink floral tree next to the loveseat, and my blue-feathered dream catcher above the loveseat. The couch, chair and tables have remained where they were. Nothing to change in the guest room either, but my office is where the entertainment center now is. It looks better than I thought it would, and black goes better with the brown than the whitewash. We basically have brown in the guest room, brown and black in my office, black with gold accents in the den and dining area, whitewash in the kitchen, baths and bedroom, and nothing in particular in the retreat, living room and his office. Well, perhaps you could say the living room’s brown and black. The mice’s tables and the TV stand are brown, and the Bowflex is black. So are the bars of the rat’s cage.

Some rooms have taken on themes. Dolls are the definite theme of my office and the bedroom, and flowers are the main theme in the kitchen and den. The rest of the rooms have a mix of things. As I teasingly told Tom, the theme in his office is junk! Although, he’s been surprisingly low on the clutter in there lately.

Later...

I took a piece of material that I don’t plan to use and put it in the corner behind the rat’s cage. Houdini loves to play in the pile of material, and he loves to play with me too, when I shake it around. I slip my hand under it and wiggle the material around and he dives into it like a puppy. He dives under its folds and I poke at him and he tries to get me through the material. It’s so cute. It’s so cool having animals that play with you besides with each other and by themselves. Just like yesterday when he was waiting for me at the side of the cage when I got up. However, unlike yesterday, he came out on his own to play shortly after I got up. He doesn’t usually come out on weekends when Tom’s home all the time. I have to sort of coax him out when he’s home and not in bed.

I decided to make my wake-up time 7:00 for a while. That way I’ll be more available to play freeloader and deal with courts and probation officers when I’m forced to.

Yesterday morning we bombed. We weren’t going to bomb for another month but we found a good deal on bombs at Lowe’s so we decided to go ahead and do it. With this one, we only needed to be out for two hours. We went to Circle K. As always, cleaning up afterward was a bitch. I had to square away the animals, run many loads through the dishwasher, then do the laundry and wipe down countertops.

We ended up screwing yesterday for the first time in what? A month? I asked him why now, and he said it had to do with Mary. Because he’s in a situation he’s never been in before, he had to sit and sort through his thoughts/feelings in his mind and ask himself what his responsibilities should be. I think his just being there for them and doing what he can possibly do to help is taking enough responsibility. Meanwhile, Mary and Dave aren’t his “responsibility,” so to speak. Nonetheless, this is all well and good, and I understand how depressed and worried he is over Mary, but there’s always something eating at him, preventing us from getting together, making sure we have little bursts of sex, and confusing the hell out of me. Just when I think we’re settling into a platonic relationship, he decides he misses me, as he put it. Again, I understand this thing with Mary, but I also feel that he’s using life’s BS, whether it’s a new problem or not, as an excuse. It’s a tool he uses to avoid regular sex. But I don’t want regular sex. We don’t have to screw every week, but when more than two weeks go by, I don’t know what to think.

Anyway, this discussion led to our 7-year argument over a kid. He still swears that he’s not controlling me from having a kid. No, that’s God’s department. But a guy who refuses to let his cum enter a woman is just as controlling. A guy who refuses to let his cum enter a woman is afraid of her conceiving and is making sure that that doesn’t happen, whether she wants a kid or not. I could’ve kicked myself for letting the argument start, though. What did I think it was going to change? He’ll never give me normal, satisfying, fulfilling sex, sterile or not. He’s been the way he is for 7 years, and he’ll be the way he is for another 7, and another 7, and another 7…

Sex still hurts. I’m 100% sure this pain is a permanent thing that’ll never go away. Why has God always been so damn determined to curse me sexually? First I’m humiliated with freaky sex, and now it has to hurt, too?!

Tom’s been asking himself questions like, what if Mary’s treatment turns out to be a big deal and her cancer keeps reoccurring? What if she dies? I asked him, wouldn’t his Mom come to live with us if she died? He said not if I didn’t think I could handle it. I asked him if he thought I could handle it and he said yes. Because his actions have made me believe he doesn’t think I could handle a kid, and because God’s actions and plans for me certainly made me believe I couldn’t handle the responsibility of taking care of anyone, young or old, I lost faith in myself. So, later on I asked myself to set aside what God’s obvious opinion is of my abilities and what Tom says he thinks, and ask myself – do I think I can handle caring for his mother?

Yes. But only because I can now keep a schedule. If I still couldn’t keep a schedule, I’d have to say no.

Mary’s attitude about what’s going on with her never ceases to amaze me. She’s taking it so well! I can’t observe her 24/7, but she sure seems to be handling it a lot better than I ever could. I’d be pissed and scared, running around muttering – why me, why me? Maybe that’s why I haven’t had any health problems lately; because God only gives us what we can handle. Well, some of us, anyway. On the other hand, I could barely handle that vicious cycle of asthma attacks. I even contemplated suicide cuz it was so bad. When you can’t breathe, you tend to feel and think that way. I wonder how many times my health will compensate for itself. Meaning, this being healthy like I have been is no doubt compensation for the shitty health I was in from the late 80s to the early 90s, but will I get hit with problems later on down the road for this time of healthfulness?

Tuesday, October 3, 2000

There are a lot of things that Tom’s better at than I am, but making pancakes isn’t one of them. He trashed the kitchen making the damn things. But I, who can’t keep her paws off the stuff he buys that I don’t put on the list, and that’s usually not very healthy, make them without making such a mess. I cook them well too, and make them all about the same size.

I’m psyched to say that I finally heard from Paula! Tom brought a letter home from her yesterday, which had her new phone number in it. This was the longest letter she ever wrote, too. Her grammar is not great, but she spells pretty well. I dig how she started off: Dear Jodi – best friend.

She’s been in the same apartment in Chicopee for a record-breaking year and says she’s still waiting for Section 8 or some kind of housing.

I was right about suspecting she lost my number, but I gave it to her when we talked. She asked me once again to try to find a couple of guys online, but I let her know we were ditching the Internet.

I was surprised when she asked - how did you get in all that mess? What happened? What charges did you get? I was like – aren’t you reading my mail? She said she got confused by all the abbreviations I use in her letters, so I let her know I wouldn’t use initials and abbreviations anymore.

She contradicted herself a handful of times. Not intentionally or cuz she just doesn’t care what she tells people which is the case with most people, but just because this is the way Paula is – unable to focus. She said on the phone that she just started a computer training course, yet in her letter, she said she wasn’t going for that till November. She also said there’s no man in her life now. Just that black cop John. Yeah, and I haven’t eaten anything today. Just a sandwich, some soup, some pancakes, and popcorn!

She said she got a computer, but no Internet or printer. Soon she’ll send pictures.

Any CDs I don’t want, send to her. Also, she’ll send me some money to make her tapes of rap music. I told her not to bother sending money and that I’d make her tapes off the satellite. They have a rap channel. I made a tape up already and will send one at a time. That way I can use regular envelopes. She said she likes soul music too, but there’s no soul station. She said she has 5 dolls sitting in her closet. I let her know I’d gladly give them a home if it’d be OK with her.

She said her friend is in prison for 3 years. He’s in for drugs.

She asked how my diet is going and says hers is going well. Then why is she up to 170? The last time we talked, she said she was around 150.

On November 14th she’ll be having surgery for stomach adhesions.

I also talked to her son Justin who’s now 9 years old. We mostly talked about his coin collection. He asked me to send pictures of tarantulas and diamondbacks, and I assured him I would as soon as I could get shots of them. I enclosed his own letter, along with one for Paula, in the envelope containing the first rap tape.

Later...

Tom’s home now, eating the chili mac I made him before he got in.

I had begun typing him a note before he got in, letting him know that I don’t want to screw till after the 30th due to the doubled predictability involved. It’s predictable enough to know he wouldn’t cum (which puts a damper on my cumming) even if we were rich and had nothing going on, but another to really know it with all we have going on, cuz sterile or not, we have to take responsibility and make sure that he doesn’t cum, like it or not, as long as we don’t know if I’m going to jail, and as long as we’re broke and don’t know what’s going on with Mary. I don’t like the 2-minute quickies with all its limitations and restrictions. I want to wait until we can let our guards down and not have to be so cautious. After we take care of Mom, Mary, the courts, and get a little more stable financially, then we can screw, unless he insists we keep up on it anyway. I told him, If I don’t hear any protests from you, I’ll assume you’re OK with this plan, and remember, I can get you just as hard by hand as I can with my crotch, so if that’s all you need anyway, then feel free to ask me for handjobs along the way. For a while, I was comfortable with our routine, but for now, I can’t screw when each session feels so planned, mapped out and predictable. I need a little more spontaneity, surprise and variety.

Wednesday, October 4, 2000

Well, I did get a little surprise, after all. I expected Tom to be OK with my wanting to put a hold on sex, but nope. He objects, he said, unless I absolutely insist on waiting. But why? If all he wants to do is get hard, I can see to that by hand. Maybe he objected cuz he knows I don’t want to do it. He does, after all, seem more driven by the things that I’m not interested in, or that turn me off altogether. So, I guess some Sundays, for the rest of my life, are going to be very boring and very predictable. Yes, we certainly have much more fun out of bed than in it. That’s my opinion, anyway. At least he has a good time in bed. In fact, so good of a time that he’s willing to sacrifice any pleasure with me just to keep his stubborn attitude and to bore me to death. Sometimes I wonder – should I start expressing pleasure in bed? Will that make him want to veer the opposite way; if he thinks I like things the way they are? Then again, what opposite way can we go? He doesn’t like having sex during the week and is usually too tired to do so, we can’t do many different positions, and the guy’s old-fashioned and unimaginative. He’s also afraid to cum and shouldn’t be made to do anything he doesn’t feel comfortable doing. Like I said, I know we’ll never have a kid and that’s not the issue anymore, whether I’m sterile or not. The issue is the lack of honesty on his part. His failure to face and admit his fears is the issue. After hoping for so many years that he’d one day come out and say – You were right. I was afraid to cum regularly cuz I was afraid of a kid. I just didn’t want the expense and hassle. I’m sorry I wasn’t upfront from the beginning. Especially with how badly you once wanted one. However, with each year that passes with no change whatsoever, and with a confession from him, I realize it’s never going to come. Thirty years from now he’ll still be saying it was out of his hands, but that he did want a kid (even though he happened to never do anything to achieve that), and that he didn’t control me.

Well, in the end, we don’t have to have a kid. I’m fine without that. I may wonder about it from time to time since it’s an experience I’ll never have, but we don’t have to have a kid and he doesn’t have to cum, even if it’d make me feel like cumming too, and turn me on more to know I pleased him and that he is without fear. I just think it’s rather sad that I’ll never hear the full truth from his mouth, but only from his actions.

No, I don’t bother praying to God for help. In fact, I haven’t prayed to him for years now. That’s because I know he doesn’t give a damn and that there’s no help from him. He obviously wants things to be the way they are as much as Tom does or else he wouldn’t have let this shit go on for 7 years. He’d have done something to give Tom the strength and motivation to change, or to at least own up to the truth. Or maybe he wouldn’t have let Tom be the way he is in the first place. Remember, it was me that made him the way he is. He was never cumless with anyone else. I’m the one who brought the sexual curse into this relationship, even if he’s the one with the fears. Not that I never had my own fears about a kid. It’s just that I wouldn’t have let them stand in my way if I had had some say in the matter. I’m not alone as far as him being afraid to have a kid for various reasons. Most women deal with resistant boyfriends/husbands when it comes to that. The difference is that their men still cum, so sometimes they can get tricked into parenthood by the woman who may insist she took her birth control when she really didn’t. Well, this one’s so scared I couldn’t trick him if I wanted to. He keeps his equipment under strict lock and key and would never dare take chances with it. I still can’t figure out why he did take those chances the dozen or so times he did. What gave him the burst of courage to do so? What made him so daring and brave back then? We had even more shit going on than we do now, believe it or not, and we weren’t much richer.

I don’t pray to God for anything at all. If someone busted in here and held me at gunpoint, God’s the last one I’d be pleading with for mercy. For I would know that if God wanted me unharmed, he would never have sent someone to hold me at gunpoint in the first place.

I thought of another thing that Paula said that has me confused. She acted all surprised that I had to spend the night in jail. Well, if she read my letters, wouldn’t she remember and know that I spent the night in jail? Could any of my letters have gotten lost?

Later...

Tom’s home now. I had him get new scent cartridges. Instead of that way-too-strong and perfumey flowery oil, I had him get vanilla. Vanilla, Country Garden, and strawberry are the best. I took the oil out of its warmer and placed it in the closet. I only have the cartridges in my office and the bedroom. Just in rooms that are “real” rooms. I don’t have anything going in the open part except for the air cleaner.

It may only be the 4th, but I wonder, should I call Don if he doesn’t call me by the 30th?

Somehow I doubt I’ll get that lucky. He’ll call. I’m sure he’ll call. Like I said, something up there really wants me to pay for this. For a lousy letter and phone call. How can people harass their neighbors for years and not expect there to be some kind of consequence? And just what is something up there doing to them for what they did wrong to us?

Nothing. Nothing at all. How stupid of me to even ask, huh? I could be murdered and my murderer would never see justice done to them. They’d probably never get caught, but if they did, they’d get off on some stupid technicality, or they wouldn’t do much time. It’s OK to wrong Jodi S. It’s very OK. God made that clear to me just by the parents he had me born to.

Anyway, no I won’t call Don. I called him and he said he’d call me back, so it wouldn’t be my fault if he didn’t, but like I said, he’ll be calling.

Thursday, October 5, 2000

Paula said she thinks she has a big butt. She said she’s got a “Mexican” butt. Well, I’ve still got quite a bubble butt of my own, and I’m definitely set for life at 115 pounds unless I either starve or quit working out. Or become deathly ill, for that matter.

I asked her if she pled guilty (to beating up that girl and slugging a cop). She said she did, cuz not pleading guilty would’ve made things worse. Yeah, they bribed her too, and gave her ultimatums. I forgot to ask her if she had to pay any court fees, but she did tell me that she was in jail for 30 days and on probation for a year. She also had community service. She worked on the highway in a chain gang when she was in jail. She worked in churches and sorting clothes at the Salvation Army. One thing I can tell you for damn sure and that’s that no law’s gonna make me work in a church full of narrow-minded, delusional fools. I also forgot to ask her if they made her see a therapist. Somehow I doubt it. Only I get made to see therapists. Only I’m crazy. Me and maybe sex abusers have to see therapists. Anyway, Paula says she’s been behaving. That’s good. She doesn’t need to get in any more trouble any more than I do.

The phone company fucked with us the other night when we were reporting to Mary to let her know how well the TV worked. It went dead, and it took several minutes before it came alive again. Cybertrails will be gone this week, then we’ll be getting a free service, but that’s not unlimited. We pay a set fee for unlimited service now, but with this service we’re going to get, it’ll be free unless we use it cuz they don’t have a local number. It’ll be like making a long-distance call. Anyway, we won’t use it for fun, just if we need to. It’ll be nice to have so that if we need to look up directions to a particular place, for example, we can. Especially since we never got any Phonebooks out here.

When I got up this morning, I turned off the AC and opened the windows for about an hour and a half. It was sooo nice. So nice to smell the outdoors, to hear nothing but peace and quiet, and to see nothing but nature. I could see nothing, as I lay on my side in bed drinking my coffee and gazing out the window, but sky, trees, shrubs, and the earth itself. No driveways, roads or pavement of any kind. No people, houses, cars, balls bouncing, barking, screaming, sirens, music, etc.

The possibility of having to go to jail was eating at me last night, and Tom said to try not to let it worry me, and that Don’s not calling me back right away is a good sign. It is? I didn’t think to ask him why, so I’ll ask him when he gets in. I just thank God they didn’t go after him for this shit. Better for it to me that has to deal with this shit if one of us must do so, cuz I’ve already got a record and he doesn’t. Also, if worse came to worse in this very unfair world and one of us had to go to jail, better for it to be me. He can get by without me, but out here in the boonies, I’d be completely stranded.

He hasn’t decided yet on exactly when to take time off. That’s gonna depend on what goes on with Mary, I guess, to whom I gave the second probation department envelope. I figured now was a better time to ask her for that character reference, even if it did me no good in the end. Anyway, I have mixed emotions about his basing his time off on what goes on in Mary’s household rather than in his own. I want him to take time off for us, the people that live here, and not so he can cater to Mom and Mary, but on the other hand, we owe them. Sort of anyway. They’ve done so much for us, I’d love to have Mom visit, and besides, what else could we do being this broke? It’s not like we could spend his vacation time, which can be anytime before the year is out, shopping, gambling or flying to Vegas. He says his Mom would feel better staying here if he were here so she doesn’t have to worry if she falls or anything like that. I don’t know. He says she wouldn’t be bringing it up if she weren’t serious, but I still get the feeling that she wouldn’t feel comfortable staying here, whether or not he’s on vacation. I know she doesn’t hate me, or else she wouldn’t have given me material and other things, but I get the feeling she might feel uncomfortable around me. You know how a lot of people feel that way with hyper, outspoken people like myself.

Later...

As I remember bits and pieces of our chat, another “discrepancy” comes to mind. Paula said she thought my computer or printer must’ve broken for me to be sending some hand-written letters, yet if she had really read my letters, she’d know the real reason for the hand-written letters. I think she does read them. I think she’s just so damn air-headed, that she can’t remember half the things she reads/hears/sees.

She got contradictory on me in regard to the bad vibes I had about Justin. First she said it wasn’t going to happen cuz she told him about it, then she admitted to his getting in trouble in school, then said that whatever happens, happens.

Either way, it’s too late for him. She’s already damaged him and planted the vicious seed that’s destined to be as God shall see fit. His fate is sealed.

Friday, October 6, 2000

Tom’s going to stop at his Mom’s after work before doing the grocery shopping. He meant to see her yesterday but had to do a tour at work that ran a little late. He said she mentioned giving us some money. I guess she wants to give us a little for all the flat tires and shit like that we’ve had. It won’t be much, though. Probably just $20, but it’s something.

Tom said that Don’s not in a hurry to call me back no doubt cuz he liked my answers given in the interview and isn’t worried about me being such a problem that needs jailing. Well, that’s all well and good, but how much am I gonna be forced to pay the courts monthly? And worse of all, how much do I have to be totally degraded into paying the freeloaders directly?

Tom says to try not to let the possibility of jail get to me, but sometimes that’s easier said than done. On the one hand, my logic says I should never get sent to jail for this, but life’s so unfair. People do get jailed for the wrong reasons and people do go free for the wrong reasons, too. Just because I shouldn’t go to jail for this, doesn’t mean I won’t. And just because I don’t have any vibes saying I’ll have to go to jail, doesn’t mean it’s not just wishful thinking that’s blocking out any negative vibes about a pending jail sentence. No one wants to “see” or “sense” that they’re going to jail, and therefore, I may not be able to see or sense it if it is fated to be. I just want this sick bitch out of my life! How many years have I been saying that now?

I sometimes wonder if I should take the new, stricter laws and use them to my advantage and drag them through the mud right along with me. I’m white, and I don’t have letters with their fingerprints or tapes with their voices on them so I couldn’t get them arrested or brought to court, but I could put them through the hassles of questioning. All I’d have to do is insist they did whatever to me, like swear they drove by here making threats or something like that, and they’ll at least pick them up. I’d hope so, anyway! But, I don’t think I want to lower myself to their level just because I’m pissed at them, which is exactly what she and the Mexicans did; they got pissed at what I had to say about them, couldn’t handle it, and went running to the piggies. They were never scared. They were Pissed with a capital P. So pissed that they weren’t afraid to implicate themselves in doing so. They weren’t afraid to look bad or incriminate themselves to get at me.

The land looks pretty dull right now. Actually, some of it’s kind of shabby looking with those damn wheat-colored weeds with the stickers. They go away in the summer, making the land look a little better, but this place certainly needs saguaros, prickly pears, queen palms, and whatever else. We talked about planting a bougainvillea and a bird of paradise bush and letting them grow wild. We had to trim the ones we had in Phoenix, but not here!

At night, when the moonlight is out, the moonlight almost gives off the illusion of there being a light dusting of snow on the ground with the way it illuminates the sandy dirt and the light-colored weeds.

Saturday, October 7, 2000

Tom was right – the strips do pop off the wall easily enough, and without destroying the wall. Someday, when we go to repaint, we’ll pop off all the strips. I hate them, anyway. They totally interfere with my decorating. Anyway, he popped the two strips that were where the mural is going, then spackled the gap. Once that dries, he’ll sand it, then the wall will be all prepped and ready for the mural. The mural’s not ready to be picked up yet, and I assume they would’ve notified us already if it had to be back-ordered.

I saw a show on the learning channel that would’ve bored me to tears when I was younger. Now, however, I find these things interesting; fossilized animal remains from thousands, even millions of years ago.

No predictable, boring, cumless quickie today because today is Saturday. I would bet my dolls on us screwing tomorrow, our usual sex day, if it weren’t for the long weekend. I think we’ll end up screwing Monday, though, if we get together at all this weekend seeing that we just got together last weekend, cuz he tends to put that off till the end of the weekend. In this case, the end of the weekend, when he starts to tire down and unwind, will be Monday afternoon.

Later...

I can’t draw anymore. I just can’t draw anymore! Why? Is it just another compensation for being here? It’s a worthy tradeoff if that’s what it is, but I wonder – is that really it?

We were talking about foods his mother would like while she’s with us next weekend. Yes, she’s actually going to stay with us next weekend! Then any other time she may need to during Mary’s treatment, depending on how sick she gets. It’s going to be about 6 months before Mary’s treatment is done, and who knows how often this thing will reoccur? Anyway, Tom said Mom would like to have at least one meal a day where we all sat down at the table (preferably without Tom making those disgusting sounds he makes when he eats) cuz Mary and Dave don’t do that. They run out for fast food and bring it home to eat in front of the TV. They don’t clean and they don’t cook. It’s a good thing I can’t lose any more weight and that I’m now in the maintain state, cuz I could certainly never lose weight with all the extra foods that’ll be around. I just don’t have the willpower I once had.

When I asked Tom why he thought I had an easier time saying no to food in the past than I do now, he said it was cuz I had more to rebel against back then. True. Very true. But I still have enough to rebel against now – freeloaders, cops, courts, and I still feel controlled by him in bed and I don’t care what he says. But that doesn’t mean I’d feel controlled by him if he had ear surgery like I had, for example, and I had to help him with that. That wouldn’t be his fault. So, having dirty clothes to wash may not make me feel “controlled,” but being told what to do and where to go does make me feel controlled. What’s happened with these cops and courts thanks to these freeloaders, has totally made me feel like a kid all over again with no say in the matter whatsoever. Well, let me tell you – I’m sick and tired of being told what to do, and if that’s being rebellious, then so be it.

Sunday, October 8, 2000

October 30th is getting closer and the stress is mounting yet again. If God has any mercy on me whatsoever, he’ll make sure this is the last court date. I can’t take this every few months. I just can’t take this anymore! I go home from jails or courts, slowly get on with my life, then the stress and anxiety slowly eats at me little by little as the next court date draws closer and these sick fucks are thrust upon me and my life all over again. Uuuggghhh!!!

Tom noticed I was stressing earlier and said it sometimes helps to talk. No thanks, I told him. I don’t want to argue, which is what we often seem to do when it comes to these blacks, and of course, the Mexicans, too. They’ve come between us enough, thank you. Besides, I’ve got Helen now and it’s her job to listen to me talk to her. It’s not Tom’s place anymore. I don’t want him to have to listen to me bitch about anything, whether we agree on it or argue about it or not.

I find myself not so much missing Andy, but wondering about him. I still feel I did the right thing by cutting him loose. We just had less and less in common as time went on and I got tired of his coming over only when he wanted a button sewn or to browse the net. He became quite the pest, along with his never-ending rebellious attitude towards my simple little requests, and as Tom pointed out, he wouldn’t have been able to come out here anyway. Maybe once every year or two. It just would’ve been too hard on him and his car. And it would’ve been so hard for him to restrain himself from the long-distance calls, too. Nonetheless, and although this is quite impossible, I sometimes wish I could talk to him once a year, but I’d never want to resume regular contact with him. That I don’t miss. Just to know what he’s been up to on a yearly basis would be nice enough. However, what could he tell me? The same thing year after year? Sadly enough, I’m afraid so. I think he’s peaked in life just like I have at this point. I’m sure that although it’s been just over a year since we talked, he’s still doing the same things – getting fired, getting high, hanging out with losers, living on the phone, stuffing his face, and dreaming of Mr. Right, who by most people’s standards, is really Mr. Wrong. Mr. Very Wrong.

Monday, October 9, 2000

It’s beautiful out right now at only 71° and I have some windows open to let in the nice breeze. They say it might get down as low as 50° in the next few nights. I knew it would be chilly enough in here by early morning, once I saw that it was already down to 68° by 10:00 last night. When I got up it was down to 76° in here, and I usually like it to be 80°-81°.

Today we’re going out at noon to bring his Mom to get her stitches out. Well, he’s going to take her to get them out. I’m gonna hang out at the house and play on the computer. Mary and Dave have to work today.

Tuesday, October 10, 2000

Went into the city yesterday as planned. At least we made it one way without getting held up. On the way back, we went through Lavene and got slowed by a creeper, but we cruised right into the city the airport way. I like going by Sky Harbor Airport and seeing the planes fly over the freeway. I can sometimes see them land too, if the angle and timing are just right and there are no trucks blocking my view.

No one was there when we got in, and Tom hung out with me for nearly an hour before he left. Other than the dog barking out back, the obnoxious parakeets, and the stench of dog piss, it was quiet. Of course it was quiet; I don’t live there.

Dave stopped in for a quick lunch after we arrived and he left right after Tom left to get Mom at daycare and take her to get her stitches out. While I was alone I played solitaire on the computer, cuz I couldn’t find their tiles game on either computer. I also left Mary a surprise document in her word processor. Just a few sentences saying hi, guess who this is, etc.

I chatted with Mom when she got in while Tom checked their computer network, then we left. She gave us 10:00, which we spent on junk at Circle K, and her suitcase and toilet thing. The toilet thing raises her up cuz she can’t bend her knees well. Guess she must be anxious to visit since she’s already packed.

I also just had to get a little bit of a flow when we screwed and went out. I had cramps on the way into the city, so I swallowed some ibuprofen without water in the car, so I wouldn’t have to wait longer. But why does it always have to happen when we screw or go out? Last time it was when I went to Helen’s that I had to flow. Before that, it was during sex and then in July, it was jail. I don’t have sex that often nor do I go out that often, so can’t I ever rag when I’m home and not having sex?! Besides, how can I hide my flows from him, however wimpy they may be, when he gets blood on himself and the sheets? Does something up there want him to know when I’m flowing? Well, I’d prefer that he didn’t know. When he knows, he tends to play games more when I’m mid-cycle. I tried to blame the blood on irritation (which I truly did have, as always) and I tried to blame the cramps on a pulled muscle, but I don’t know if he bought it. If I was gonna be mid-cycle, as screwy as my cycles are, during the middle of the week, that’d be one thing. But if it hits a Sunday, then all the more I might have to deal with his games. You know, the one where he suddenly forgets how to screw. I hate going through the bullshit motions for nothing, and he’s terrified in bed as it is, so sterile or not, no man that terrified of making a kid wants to get within inches of a possibly ovulating woman.

He got slightly playful on Sunday. I could be wrong, but I think he was trying to get me to think we were gonna screw at certain times on Sunday, only to be let down. When is this guy gonna wake up and see that it’s no disappointment to me and that it hasn’t been for years and that he’s playing his own games with himself, if that’s truly what he was trying to do? And by the way, now he says he likes sex when it’s not too dark out, but not too light either, like when the sun’s setting or rising. My only surprise this weekend was the time of day we got together. I expected to screw Monday, but not in the morning like we did. His bullshit excuse for his slow movements, which I know was to keep from cumming, was back pain. Yeah, something always hurts, doesn’t it? Then he says he’s gonna start doing exercises for that, but do you know how many times I’ve heard that? And so what if he does start doing exercises for that? He’ll only quit. I’m just so tired of the same old, same old, and the same goddamn lame excuses that he does nothing about. He does nothing to help himself cuz he just doesn’t want to be helped.

We agreed we’d sleep together this weekend while his mother’s here, but I know that’ll be a disaster. Nothing’s changed with that; I’m still the lightest sleeper in the world, and God won’t be there to help. Heaven forbid Jodi S should be normal in any kind of intimate way. The slightest movement – I’ll wake right up. The slightest sound – I’ll wake right up. I’ll either have to end up crawling into the retreat on my exercise mat, or he’ll have to crawl in there to sleep on the airbed if we can find the stuff to patch the hole Houdini made in it.

Speaking of Houdini, he was acting like a weekend rat, as usual. He just doesn’t like Tom. For some reason, he’s scared of him. I guess it’s cuz Tom doesn’t feed and handle him like I do. Anyway, on weekends, he’s reluctant to come out and run around. I have to coax him out and take him out myself usually. But during the week when he knows he’s gone, out he comes on his own. He used to come out at night after Tom went to bed, but now he comes out for an hour or two when I get up after he’s been gone for a few hours.

Later...

I just tried calling Paula, but couldn’t get through to her. I was going to call her this weekend, but cuz of Mom’s visit, I thought I’d call today, but all I get is static after one ring. I could get the message I left Tom just fine, as well as his call telling me he’d be late, so I guess the problem is on her end. Anyway, I’m sure she’ll call this weekend because if I remember right, she’s a weekend caller for the most part.

Mary wrote my character letter saying she’s known me for years, I’m kind and considerate, she’s been a guest in my house and treated well, I love animals and collect dolls. I’m surprised she mentioned the dolls. What do dolls have to do with my character? Nonetheless, the letter was well-written and articulate.

Wednesday, October 11, 2000

Finally got through to Paula. I got her machine, though. I let her know I’d call her not this weekend, but next, and told her I look forward to hearing what she thinks of the calendar, story and tape. I look forward to her sending more pictures. Current pictures are great, but I wish she’d send an old one too, from around 10 years ago! I wonder if she’ll send any dolls.

Helen’s office called yesterday to remind me of tomorrow’s appointment, and of course, my heart beat madly until I realized who it was. It came up as private. This is the time Paul and Don ought to start calling to rehash shit I just want to forget and move on from, and to make me do things I don’t want to do, so I can feel like a kid all over again. Of course, I don’t expect I’ll have to do anything till sentencing day, other than go see Don and Helen. That’s enough right there.

What worries me is how the bitch will react towards probation if that’s all I get. Probation wouldn’t be enough for her. She wants me in jail. No doubt about it. We already know how vindictive, vengeful and spiteful this bitch is, and we already know how obsessed she is with me, so will probation cut it with her? Somehow I doubt it. Nothing’s ever good enough for this bitch. She just cannot drop it and move on! And if she’s already been able to abuse her position within the courts this far, how much further can and will she go? She certainly doesn’t mind taking the time out to do this. It’s obviously plenty worth it to her. As it is, a non-threatening letter and phone call should never have gone this far. So, if it can go as far as it has, it can go further. It shouldn’t have gone any further than being rudely dragged out of my house by a bunch of lying pigs to the police station, but even that’s overkill, and again, life is unfair. So, knowing that, I know the worst possible case scenario could very well happen.

Why has God restored my hearing in my good ear? It seems that lately my hearing’s improved and has been much better in that ear, not that it was ever too shitty. I can no longer tolerate the volumes I used to listen to music for years. Did he make my hearing better so I could hear further away? That’d be convenient since noise is further away from us here than it was in Phoenix, but lately, it’s been amazingly quiet. There have been a few times I thought I heard music, but other than that, it’s been dead quiet like a rural town should be.

Later...

It’s not even 11 AM, yet it’s only 65 degrees out.

Anyway, I forgot to say earlier that they’re booming again. I heard them at 9:30.

Also, Tom did back exercises yesterday. We’ll see how long it lasts.

Thursday, October 12, 2000

It was really chilly in here when I got up so I put the heat on for an hour or so. Now, though, it’s hotter in here than it was yesterday. This is probably because I didn’t open the windows today and let the cool air circulate throughout the house. It’s about 81 degrees inside and outside right now.

I let myself sleep an extra hour today cuz I woke up so tired yesterday, but I woke up a zillion times. I first went to sleep with the sound machine on so I wouldn’t have to have the fan moving the air, but I just couldn’t get used to that, so I had to put the fan on. I think I do prefer the circulating air along with the sound of the fan better, anyway.

Saw an interesting documentary on ancient Pompeii, and again, these are the kinds of things that would’ve bored me to death years ago. The show showed old ruins and skeletons from 2000 years ago when Mount Vesuvius erupted.

Tom just got in and says the mural’s in! Great! Can’t wait to get it up this weekend.

I’ll write later after my appointment with Helen, or tomorrow, or even Monday, depending on how busy the weekend turns out.

Friday, October 13, 2000

Tom should be in any time now with Mom. I’m really looking forward to her visiting this weekend!

They’ve sonic boomed by 3 straight days in a row. They boomed by more like 2-3 times a week last January – March, but are pretty regular about it this time around, till they crash. They boomed by at 9:30 and 2:30 two days ago, 9:15 yesterday, and 8:45 today.

Again I woke up many times and was even up for an hour. I was contemplating getting up when I managed to fall back asleep. I don’t expect to sleep very well until after the 30th. Maybe.

I did some cleaning and washed the guest bed sheets. I brought some of Tom’s clothes into the bedroom, so he won’t have to go into the guest room while she’s in there.

My visit with Helen went well and I was even in for a surprise from her. I’ll discuss it later, though.

Sunday, October 15, 2000

Saying I’ve got a lot to write about is an understatement! Mom’s still here but will be gone in about an hour. Mary and Dave will be coming up to get them, leaving Dave’s Mom and her boyfriend at their house.

Paula never did call this weekend like I thought she would, but that’s good since I wouldn’t have been in a position to chat with her. If Mom ever does move in, as much as I doubt she ever will, maybe Tom can install a phone jack somewhere in the master suite, so I can talk to Paula, or whoever, in a more private setting. Mom’s always in the den where the phone is unless she’s at the table eating, or seeing something we’re showing her, or in the guest room.

I have mixed emotions about Mom leaving, although, for the most part, I wish she’d stay. It feels good to have more responsibility and to feel more productive and like I’m helping someone. We’d probably only screw once a month or less with her here, something you know I’m sick of anyway, so she’d be rescuing me from having to do that every 1-3 weeks (we didn’t get together as I predicted). On the other hand, her leaving gives me a little more freedom. Freedom to run around naked, swear, talk loud if I want to, run up and down, etc. If I ran too much with her here, she might think something was wrong. Same if I talk loud, although I did come out of the bedroom late at night in just my panties to get a drink. If this were Tom’s dad and not his Mom, then I’d have thrown a robe on.

The only time I felt a little controlled and uncomfortable was when Tom gave me the eye about a comment I made in regard to a topic he brought up. He brought up the proposition they’ve got going about allowing people to develop homes in certain areas, and it led to my expressing my opinion about having rentals behind us and the noise and destruction Section 8 people bring, should we get stuck with that yet again. First of all, my statement about Section 8 people being scummy was true, and second of all, don’t ever think that just because you’re a guest in my house I’m gonna conform to what others might prefer and put on false airs. I am who I am and no one’s going to take away my freedom within my own home, if I can help it, in unreasonable ways. That’s been done enough, thank you. Meanwhile, I cut out the swears and other things. I need to be myself and not try to predict what others will think of what I say. I can’t control what others think of my opinions/statements, and I don’t want to, either. Any guest in my home is expected to accept and deal with how I live, what I do, and what I say, just like it would be expected of me to respect the ways of others when I visit them. No one has to agree with me when I express my feelings about certain subjects. No visitor has to like everything I say, do, wear, etc., but they do have to accept it, live with it, and not try to change and control it. That’s being too pushy and asking too much of me; if you think I should keep my opinions to myself in my own home. I’ll be reserved and phony in other ways, especially in public or other houses, but not here. Home isn’t the place to be somebody I’m not.

I don’t know that Mom would like to live here, being this remote, and since it would mean she couldn’t go to daycare. She loves daycare way better than sitting at home every day. Whatever’s meant to be, though, will be.

I want to jump back to my session with Helen and go in order of events before getting more into Mom’s stay with us, which has been very enjoyable. Better yet, I’ll do it later or tomorrow. Mary and Dave will be here any sec.

Monday, October 16, 2000

Helen was 10 minutes late this time, instead of 20, and I did not enjoy the wait in the waiting room. No, there weren’t any loud and destructive kids, but there was this spider walking along the ceiling that was creeping me out. It was getting closer and closer and just when I thought it was going to center itself over my head and string down on its web right onto my head, Helen rescued me.

We had gone to Circle K before Helen’s where I grabbed some coffee, but I finished it before she called me into her office. Found those flavored lip balms I love, though. I have strawberry, raspberry, and watermelon.

This time Helen gave more input. While I discussed my never-ending freeloader frustrations, I mostly discussed Tom’s lack of cumming, and here’s where she surprised me. She believes him. She actually believes he’s telling the truth to the best of his ability, but no, we don’t know for sure what’s in his subconscious. She also surprised me by letting me know that she has heard of guys who could get hard, but not cum!

I don’t know. I want to believe him, but then how do you explain a lot of the things he’s said and done? His actions don’t support his being truthful, but maybe he is. Just maybe he is.

When I told Helen I was OK with not having a kid, but not OK with having my choice taken away from me as to whether or not to have a kid, she said that maybe God didn’t take it away. Maybe it just hasn’t been time yet. Well, there are a lot of things in this world I don’t know, but if there’s one thing I most certainly do know, it’s that there is no such thing as the right time to have a kid in my life. If the right time hasn’t come yet, it never will. Also, yes God did take away my choice.

Helen also believes things happen for a reason and says that if I get pregnant, it’s for a reason. Yeah, and if I don’t it’s for a reason, too. The only two reasons for it that I can see are to punish me and because I couldn’t handle it. That much is obvious and that much I do know. What better way to punish a female you hate than to take away her choices as to what she can do with her own body and life? Also, as the weekend proved, I may be able to sleep with Tom and sleep fairly well enough every once in a while, but I couldn’t do it regularly. I just can’t function after losing just a couple of nights’ sleep, so this only reinforces my belief that God stole my choice knowing I couldn’t handle it. How could I? If I can’t lose more than a few nights’ sleep, how would I handle losing a few months’ sleep? God and I both also know I couldn’t handle carrying and having a child either but knowing this, he should’ve and could’ve at least made sure that I never wanted one. But because he did let me want something he knew damn well I couldn’t have; this is where the obvious punishment aspect of it comes in.

When I told Helen that most of the blacks I’ve known proved to be assholes and wondered if just maybe there was something about having darker skin that tends to make people more prone to acting out, just like most redheads have freckles, she said her experience with blacks has been different than mine.

It figures. Why do I have to be the one to have all the negative experiences?

Anyway, Helen was reading me a little poem all about attitude and its influence on the outcome of things, but I’m sorry, I just don’t agree. I just don’t see the connection, and I know I’ve written about this before, too. There have been lots of times that I went into something with a positive attitude only to get negative results, and vice versa.

Helen also insisted that I do everything I can to try not to worry about my upcoming court date till I see her again on the 28th of this month. Much easier said than done, I told her, and she said she understood it’d be hard. Still, if I can do it for 5 minutes, that’s 5 fewer minutes I have to worry about it.

She seemed pretty confident that they wouldn’t put me in jail but warned me of fines. Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. Anything’s better than jail, but none of this should’ve happened in the first place! None of it!!! Not the January trip to Phoenix, not the July trip to Florence, not the court dates, not the time and money spent – none of it! These freeloaders should be paying me for all the shit they put me through, and Tom too, since he’s had to deal with its effects on me.

Why do I always lose in the end? Huh?! Everyone else gets away with the shit they do, yet I always go down for it. I never ever win!

Helen, who says she also respects and understands that I don’t want to be there (in her office), suggested I not worry about them, because they’ve completely forgotten me and aren’t thinking or worrying about me for a millisecond. I thought about this and realized just how right she is – they’re not thinking or worrying about me. How blessed they are, huh? In fact, a lot of those times I thought they did things with me in mind; they probably didn’t. Meaning yes, after a few complaints they did do things deliberately to provoke me throughout the years we lived together, but a lot of it was without thought cuz they simply don’t care. They just don’t care. They came into that neighborhood without a care in the world, as if they owned it, never thinking of me or anyone else around them. In fact, half of the time, if someone had reminded them that there were other houses on the street, they would’ve been like, “Really? Oh yeah, that’s right. There are. We’re not the only ones in this world,” as if they’d totally forgotten.

Anyway, that’s all I can really think of as far as my visit to Helen goes. As always, if I remember anything else along the way, I’ll add it in.

After seeing Helen, we went to Lowe’s to pick up the mural and a few other odds and ends. I also got a faceplate for the den with vines of green leaves, and 5 rolls of different colored neon twine. I made Mom a bookmark that was supposed to be a bracelet, only I misjudged how much material I’d need. I’ve never made those kinds of bracelets with twine before.

We put up the mural on Saturday, but it didn’t go well. It tore in a few places, acquired gaps between one of the 4 panels as it dried and shrunk, wasn’t lined up very well in some areas, and had bubbles. Amazingly, most of the bubbles had smoothed out by the next day. Nonetheless, it’s beautiful and I love it. We’re going to buy some trim to cover up the edges, as well as crisscross the center of it, and make it look like it’s a big window. This will hide tears, gaps, and areas that are misaligned.

Later...

When Tom came home he brought me a notice to appear for jury duty. Aaarrrggghhh!!! Cops, courts, blacks, Mexicans, probation, jail, lawyers, juries – when’s it ever end?! Anyway, it was for Maricopa County residents only, so I checked the box stating that I no longer reside in that county (this is Pinal County).

I made Tom some chili mac and he’ll be making me the rest of the bacon we got, so I won’t have to get splattered with grease.

I saw a really neat show talking about Charlie’s Angels, my all-time favorite show from the 70s, and interviews with the angels later in life. I didn’t know Kate Jackson, my favorite angel who now looks like shit, had heart surgery and breast cancer. I wish I had my old picture collection. All of them, including Linda and Gloria’s pictures. As you know, they weren’t just pictures to me. They were like individual people, like friends. Anyway, even now the younger Kate is quite appealing to me. Not like Gloria was and like some imaginary characters I made up in my head, but I still think of her from time to time and her pictures too, wondering what it’d be like to reunite with these long-lost pictures.

Anyway, it was great having Mom here. What a difference from when Dureen would visit! I could be myself and enjoy a relaxing, fun atmosphere. Not one filled with tensions and fronts. And you don’t have to constantly entertain her, either. She was content to spend most of the time watching TV and reading one of the books we had. She read half of it and plans to finish it the next time she visits.

She was more with it than I thought she’d be, and pretty independent, too. She only needed help unhooking her bra, getting the water turned on in the shower, going up and down the stairs, and of course, with food, medications, and blood testing. Tom and I tested our own blood too, which is this thing that pricks your finger and is painless. After it pricks you, you squeeze some blood out onto a strip and it reads your sugar level. Ours was normal.

Tom put up a little rail on the side of the bed, but what we really should’ve gotten was a couple of night lights. One for the guest room and one for the bath. We’ll get them as soon as we can. Meanwhile, we left the bathroom light on so she could see well enough. As far as I know, though, she slept well and didn’t need to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.

She has a fork and spoon that are bent at a 90-degree angle, making it easier for her to bring them to her mouth. It wasn’t Tom I had to worry about making gross noises at dinnertime, it was Mom! She was pretty disgusting. She ate like a little animal.

Because of her shaking, she has plastic cups with lids that she uses so she doesn’t slosh her drinks all over. She has two cups for water, juice, soda, and a different one for coffee.

The first night she was here, I cooked the three of us pork chops, then Hamburger Helper the second night.

I showed her various things and she watched me work out while Tom went to Circle K. I enjoyed having her company and having her to chat with while I worked out. It made it go faster and seem less boring, although Bowflex isn’t nearly as boring as floor work, but I totally lost my concentration on counting my reps!

Houdini didn’t seem to mind having her around. It didn’t stop him from coming out like I thought it would. I guess he’s decided to go back to being a night rat, although he still prefers to come out when Tom’s not around.

Later...

Tom finally got around to getting rid of some stuff, since we’ll be needing the money for the freeloaders. He cut out all the premium channels on the TV, cut out Cybertrails, and some stuff on the cell phone.

Tom set up mailboxes so that we can send each other messages. I like having this. It’s fun. I like sending him journal excerpts periodically like I used to via AOL.

I miss the Internet, but not all the problems that come with it. Someday, though, we’ll have faster, better connections. If we can come up with $150 extra bucks, Tom can get the stuff needed to steal free service over the satellite. Pictures that take forever to download by way of the phone will then download instantaneously.

This weekend we’re gonna put a door sweep on the bottom of the bedroom door to block more light, but mostly to keep Houdini out of that area when I don’t feel like chasing him around. I don’t know if it’ll work, though. The bottom of it is flimsy and he may be able to push his way through it and still get under the door.

We’re also gonna put foam weather stripping like we had in Phoenix around the doorjambs. Something we shouldn’t have to do in a brand-new house. But we have to, thanks to the stupid Mexicans who built this house so half-assed. They put the fucking back door on cockeyed, didn’t seal any of them up completely, and God only knows how many little openings there are around the windows that aren’t visible to the naked eye. Even though we just bombed, and even though they can’t live long cuz of it, those little black bugs are raiding this place at night. At night I keep the windows shut cuz they can get through the screen, and they most certainly can get through the door gaps.

Tom surprised me by informing me of the ‘for sale’ sign up at Dan’s place. He never gave any indications of wanting to move when we talked to him, so maybe something happened to him. Maybe that’s why the neighbors seem to be taking care of the place. Either that or he just got so lonely here that he just doesn’t want to come back. His behavior sure cried out for the city and said he was extremely lonely out here. Especially if he’s as gay as I think he is. This is no place for any unattached gay person. Gay people need to be near places where they can meet each other, cuz they usually can’t meet people just anywhere.

Tuesday, October 17, 2000

Friday night’s sleeping together went well. I woke up several times but only once was it because of him. He and Mom were up before I was both days. Trying to sleep together Saturday night was a different story. Maybe I could’ve done it, but by the time it was past 1:00, I knew I had to give up and move him so I wouldn’t have to have what little sleep I might get broken up as much (he went into the retreat since it wasn’t as comfortable for me on the exercise mat as I thought it’d be). I just couldn’t get to sleep and he was moving and snoring more than the previous night. Wearing an earplug helped, but two nights in a row of trying to be normal was just too much for me. So we agreed to start with one night a week, Friday night, where we sleep together, then slowly build up from there. I just don’t think I can adapt to sleeping with my own husband regularly, though. I didn’t think I could adapt to a life without cigarettes either, so we’ll just have to wait and see. God, think of all the normal, everyday things most couples take for granted that are the impossible dream for me!

I slept later yesterday and didn’t get up till 10:30. I expected to be boomed awake yesterday and today, but it never happened. Still, I managed to get up an hour earlier today.

Boy, am I gonna be busy after the 30th! I’m gonna have to run to the probation officer every week in the beginning and they’ll probably make me see Helen once a week, rather than every other week or longer. Helen was pretty sure they’d let me see her and not make me see one of their own therapists. That’d be nice, cuz although they’d pay for me to see one of their own, that therapist would be biased and would be told the black bitch’s, cop’s, and lawyer’s version of the story and not the truth. Cops and lawyers twist the truth around all the time. They’re like the Dureens, Tammys, and Larrys of this world – sometimes telling all-out lies, frequently telling half-truths, and occasionally telling the whole truth. Not that the therapist couldn’t think what they damn well pleased, but when it’s something that could affect my well-being, then I get a little more cautious and even paranoid.

Oh, I also mentioned my erratic periods to Helen, who says she’s heard of that, too. I would’ve thought that that would be much more common than cumless guys with hard-ons, but who knows just how many shy, embarrassed, private, conservative, prudish Tom S there are out there who don’t discuss their problem? Tom will never do anything to change his ways not so much out of shame or embarrassment, but because as Helen said – it works for him. He’s OK with the way he is and therefore, he’s OK with living with it and not changing it. I also feel that just like with myself, he doesn’t want a kid bad enough to do the work required to get me pregnant, be it naturally or not.

Saw a big white pickup park at the far corner of Dan’s property this morning. The one furthest from us, in the back adjacent to the renter’s land. I couldn’t tell what they were doing. They were stooping down by the truck a lot as if they were examining something on the ground. I saw two guys through binoculars. One in a blue shirt, the other wearing that classic white T and white cap Dan loves, but I couldn’t say if it was him or not. After a little while, they got in the truck and headed towards the middle of the land where they parked amongst the tons of cars and trucks that always sit there. They were so far away that I couldn’t tell if they were fat or thin. Just that they were male, their shirt colors, and that one wore a cap. I couldn’t see their pants. The white tee and cap say Dan is there, but the strange lighting, the gate being opened differently, the neighbors seen going there, and the quietness, all point to Dan’s absence.

I wonder if George will try to buy Dan’s place, chop it up and put rentals on it, but if Dan’s really over there, or is OK somewhere in this world with anything to say about it, he might refuse to sell to George cuz he was just as upset that George split the land up to renters. I don’t know why since Dan could get noisy himself and was no neat freak, but he didn’t like it. And the people next door may not like it, either. So, since Dan and next door were friendly enough for next door to watch Dan’s place when he’d go to Indiana, he may refuse to sell to George as a favor to next door. And maybe even to the people further up Bitter Root that Tom saw turn into his place.

The sad thing about it is that I just can’t imagine any decent, quiet people buying that little dive. I think it’ll go to a young white male who plays drums or electric guitars and blasts his stereo, or maybe all of the above. If not, it’ll go to some huge Mexican family. They wouldn’t mind huddling into an old single-wide like that. Whoever moves in there will no doubt make Dan seem like he was very quiet, and I know it won’t be a single woman. Women care more about the looks of things than guys do, although I’d never guess someone like Samantha H would want our old house, either. Maybe she didn’t. Maybe it was Chris’s idea and she just went along with it.

Anyway, I am truly amazed at how quiet and peaceful it’s been. It appears my guess was right about the freeloaders getting fed up with their stereo crapping out to these roads and so they split. Not only have I not heard that stereo, but I also haven’t seen that pickup. Maybe they were just visiting for part of the summer, though, who knows? Or maybe God did us and the rest of society a favor and rammed them and their damn truck into a wall or something.

No music from the renters. Not even the motorcycle lately. There’s a blue car that’s always over there. It never moves as far as I can tell, and I never see any other vehicles come or go, so they must be parked where I can’t see them, and they must slip in and out when I’m not looking back there. I rarely look back there, anyway. I’m not into spying like I used to be. I just don’t want to know my neighbors exist. Period.

When Mary and Dave came to get Mom, we showed them the mural and its bloopers and explained what we planned to do with it to fix it up. Mary thought it was cool, but Dave didn’t seem too impressed.

From what I gather, Mary doesn’t like her mother-in-law and her buddy that much. She’s “kind of” enjoying their visit, she said, which tells me they must be a bit pushy and domineering, judging by her tone of voice (sound familiar?). Either that or they’re ditzy. I guess they came in earlier than was agreed on and Mary wasn’t too happy with that.

Later…

Tom’s home now. He said he and 15 other employees got taken to a fancy Mexican restaurant for lunch for working on a project involving how they deal with their canceled checks.

He also said a small old trailer about 8 miles from here completely burned. We don’t know if it was arson, old and faulty wiring, or what.

The weather had begun cooling down, but it’s warmed up a bit again. As of the last few days, we only need the AC from around noon – 6:00. The rest of the time we need nothing.

I’m so sick of these beggar commercials – ugh! Poor people in poor countries want our money to support the kids they should’ve been responsible enough not to have. I mean, if these people knew they were poor, why’d they have kids? They have kids they can’t afford, then expect us to pay for them – give me a break! And why do all the beggars pick on us Americans? Can’t they beg for free handouts elsewhere for a change?

Later...

I’m getting a bit stressed over the 30th again. Helen’s advice just doesn’t always cut it. So many things could go wrong. For example, the paper the interview lady gave me said to report to Don. If Don wanted to, for whatever twisted or biased reason, he could deny that we ever spoke and then how the hell would I prove that the interview lady said I could call and not bother going to his office cuz of how remote I am? How would I prove that I did speak to Don, despite the fact that phone records could be obtained? It’s his word against mine. Anything’s possible in this world. Well, almost anything. Due to how far this shit’s already gone, the sky’s the limit. It’s just so damn easy to get in deep shit with the law. It used to be you had to harm someone before any action was taken against you. Now, even threats are more than enough to get you in trouble. You can write the most non-threatening thing you want and all a person has to do is simply not like what you had to say. Period. Or not like the person who wrote it. I could’ve written that bitch about my doll collection and all she’d have to do is call the cops and insist she felt threatened by me and scared of me, and that’s it. Down I go. I told Tom that I had thought about using the new laws to my advantage for a change and having her dragged through the mud. Meaning that I may not be able to get her into court and she may not get thrown in jail, but I could at least put her through the hassle of getting arrested if I called the cops swearing she drove by twirling guns in my face or something like that, but I’d rather not lower myself to her level, and as Tom said, it’d be a bitch cuz I’d have to take the time to swear out a statement and all that shit, and I’ve already spent enough time on this sick fuck. Again, it just goes to show how determined, vindictive, vengeful, and spiteful the bitch is to take the time and effort to do what she’s done. I don’t want to use the law to “get them” like they’ve done with me. I just want them out of my life!!!!!! Again, whether she deserved it or not, whether it was legal or not, we all get mail we don’t like or want and no one made her read my mail. All she had to do was throw it out and ignore it, but she just couldn’t let go and move on. She just couldn’t.

Thursday, October 19, 2000

Signing in on a stormy, rainy day. Just when it seemed that all we’d have was tons of thunder and a little lightning, the rains came. I just hope we don’t lose power again for the next 15 minutes so my potato can finish cooking. I noticed that I seem to be a bit more regular if I have my daily potato towards the beginning of my day, rather than at the end. Anyway, there was quite a bit of lightning when I went to bed last night at 1:00, then the thunder woke me up at 7:30, an hour and a half before I was scheduled to get up. The power was out for a little while, too. I swear I’ve been woken up more in the near year we’ve been here, than all the time in the Phoenix house! At first it was gunshots, cops, and booms. Now it’s storms, strange or unpleasant dreams, or just because. A lot of the time I wake up for no apparent reason at all. What’s worse is knowing I can’t do a rollover if I want to after the 30th. The freeloaders will be running my life all the more at that point and I’ll have at least two appointments a week. And this is just probation and therapy. Who knows just how often I’ll have to do community service? I’m sure I’ll have to, though. It’ll be God’s way of punishing me for bashing the freeloaders of this world. He worships the lazy compared to the hard-working people of this world, I swear!

Later...

It’s only just after 4:00 yet it’s like twilight in here due to the storms that keep coming and going. It’s really coming down this time around, and when you see water running down the wash, you know it rained a lot. It’s only 66 degrees out there now. It’s gonna be cold tonight! Especially right before dawn. I might put the heat on low before I crash or he might put it on when he gets up. I know that if it isn’t on by the time I get up, I’ll definitely need to put it on. The problem is, Tom’s on his way in from grocery shopping and I wonder if he’s gonna make it OK. I don’t have any bad vibes saying he’ll be harmed in any way, but I wonder if he might get stuck for a while. I hope not!

Although it rarely rains in Arizona, I wish we had a garage off the utility. It would keep rain and wind out and cut down on the bugs, too.

When he called from work to tell me he was on his way to the store before coming home, his call came up as out-of-area, and boy did my heart start thumping! I thought it might be Paul calling, and again, even though my logic says I have nothing to worry about, things happen that defy logic all the time in life. Thanks, freeloaders. Thanks a lot. For the stress, I mean. Same goddamn stress they caused me to have when we lived with each other; it’s just a different kind of stress nowadays.

Not that I’m complaining, but my belly’s been flatter lately. I don’t know why, either. Maybe cutting way down on my refined sugar intake really is making a difference. I know being regular helps with that, but I’m sure it’ll bloat back out as I get closer to my period.

Friday, October 20, 2000

I was in the second bath just now when I heard this metallic sound like someone trying to bust into our shed. Good, I thought, now I can legally do whatever I want to this person (unless they shoot me down and make sure I never get up) cuz they’re trespassing. And if the courts find me guilty, they’ll make me a very rich woman, cuz I’ll sue the fuck out of them for denying me the right to defend myself and my property.

However, as far as I could tell, the sound wasn’t coming from this property, next door, Dan’s, or the renters. It was coming from the front of the house. My first impression was that it was coming from the house two lots in front of next door (the lot in front of them is empty like the one in front of us still is). The sound, which you could hear loud and clear in the house, sounded like someone throwing something into a dumpster, just like when Tom would throw roofing material in the dumpster we rented. I can’t see anyone on the roof of that house, although I can only see a tiny portion of it from here. When I went outside I couldn’t see anything either, but man was it loud! It sounded almost explosive-like at one point like it was many miles away and may have come from the northeast, rather than the southeast, but it’s definitely something being thrown into a metal bin of some kind. Maybe they’re packing up what’s left of that trailer that burned. From inside the house, it sounds like the equivalent of one or two houses away in Phoenix. Remember, there’s nothing in between us and this sound to block it, so it sounds closer than it really is. It wouldn’t wake me up if I had the fan on, but it’d definitely wake me up without it. It’s not a constant sound. I hear a few bangs and then nothing for a while. It’s like they’re doing whatever it is they’re doing in little spurts.

I forgot to say that yesterday morning, just before 8:00 when the power was out, I heard the renter’s motorcycle. I thought, oh please! Don’t go revving that engine just because the power’s out and you want attention, but this time it actually went somewhere. Either that or they stopped almost as quickly as they started. I saw smoke coming from over there too, like they were burning trash.

It’s still quiet music-wise, and I haven’t seen any cars on Meadow Green in weeks. I shouldn’t keep marveling in this journal about how quiet it’s been, though. That’ll only make them start their shit up again!

Later...

Gonna watch the old rerun of Charlie’s Angels that’s going on at 1:00. For now, I thought I’d write some more.

It didn’t get as cold as I thought it’d get yesterday morning and we didn’t need heat. In fact, in another hour or two, I’ll probably need to AC it a little.

Forget about writing for now. I’m gonna go put the oldies channel on and get today’s work done, which is the dining and living area.

Later...

Kate looked great – damn great! This is really cool having a crush on her all over again. It’s like it’s a brand-new crush, cuz I wasn’t exactly blossomed enough sexually as a 10-year-old to have the kind of crush on her that I do now. The younger her, that is. She’s tall and she has the dark hair and eyes I like with a beautiful smile, although I never really had a height preference. She’s also one of the very few women I thought looked better with her hair shorter. I’d never have guessed more than half my life ago that I’d be drooling all over her at nearly 35 years of age. Meanwhile, blond-haired, blue-eyed Carol Kane wore off of me as fast as she turned me on.

It’s amazing how poorly Kate’s aged compared to Jaclyn and Cheryl (Farrah declined the request to be interviewed). Jaclyn and Cheryl only look about 10 years older than when they were on Charlie’s Angels, but not Kate!

During the interview when all the different people were discussing the show, it mentioned those that bitched about it, insisting it was “jiggle TV,” yet as one guy put it, no one calls it jiggle TV when a cock appears on TV scantily clad. Anyone that had a problem with Charlie’s Angels must be dying over today’s TV. This is what I mean when I bitch about life’s little control freaks. Why the fuck do these people have to try to control things and get this shit off the air when all they have to do is just not watch it! Who’s making these ass wipes watch stuff they don’t want to see? You may not be able to throw away and ignore a pack of rowdy freeloaders a few feet away from you, but you can ditch and ignore mail and TV shows you’re not interested in.

Tom put the door sweep on the bottom of the bedroom door. It keeps the ratdog out when I don’t feel like chasing him around, although I do let him play the hide and seek game he loves so much every now and then, and let him go hide in the closet, under the bed, the walker.

The air cleaner had been making funny noises like it was gonna die, but Tom fixed it. He opened it up and vacuumed out all the dust that was inside, and contrary to what we thought, that was apparently the cause of the funny sound it made cuz it’s sounded normal ever since.

OK, so I know I won’t ever be president, a parent, a natural blond, a millionaire, nor will I ever have 4 legs and 9 arms, but I just don’t know that I won’t be sent to jail. You never know what was an act. Meaning, all of Paul’s reassurances could’ve been pure bullshit. There’s no way to be sure of what’s really in his mind and the minds of his associates. He could know, could’ve always known, that I’d end up in jail in the end, and of course he’d lie about it and tell me not to worry. He could hate people with big green eyes as much as I hate bees. Given his position, that’s all it’d take to make sure I lost my freedom, not that I haven’t lost enough of it as it is. No one sees the big picture here – that they abused and victimized me for years. And Tom too, since he’s had to deal with their shit as well, and its effect on me. They don’t care that I sent words and not bombs. I can’t believe how much the laws have changed and how bold people have become! Yes, they will embarrass and implicate themselves to get at you. People’s anger greatly overrides any sense of logic, fear, embarrassment, or shame they may have and all they know is that they want to “get you.” And like I said, that bitch didn’t get scared – she got pissed.

Sunday, October 22, 2000

It was only 59° when I got up. It’s been storming since yesterday afternoon. Thunder woke me up for a minute early this morning. I slept in today and got up at 9:15. I thought I’d sleep till 10:00 or 11:00, but even though I didn’t, and even though I woke up a few times in between, I feel well-rested. I had a dream that Don sent me a copy of a letter I assume he was to give to the judge, saying how horrible a person I am. I can’t believe I still haven’t heard from Don. Or Paul “reminding” me of court by playing dumb, insisting he missed me in court. If only we had money! I’d skip court, ignore these freeloaders like I’ve been trying to for years now, then pay Sharon, since she’s just too nice to stiff.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll be in for a ton of freeloader-related dreams this next week. A couple of nights ago I dreamt Houdini nearly escaped forever by crawling into the overflow drain in the bathroom sink, which in the dream, was wide enough for a rat to crawl through.

I even gave up on sleeping together, at least for a while. We started to last night, and he didn’t move/snore too badly, but I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be dealing with it. I’m just too nervous at this point. Although I appreciate his understanding, patience, and tolerance, I still feel bad. If only I never lived in the NHA. If only! Besides, what’s the point of being normal when this works for us? It’s like what Helen said about his not dealing with his not cumming – it works for him. Well, we can still love each other when sleeping separately. As long as we’re together in the sense that matters, we don’t need to share the same bed, cuz I just don’t like sharing a bed. I just don’t like it. It just doesn’t feel right. Maybe someday, if and when there’s ever less stress and less bullshit going on in our lives, I’ll try again to adapt to it, but I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet. Life’s always been one thing after another after another. For now, though – fuck being normal. There’s nothing normal about this relationship anyway. Never has been, never will be. Well, perhaps it wouldn’t be fair to say there’s nothing normal about it, but most things about it aren’t.

On our way out yesterday, I was pissed to realize I forgot the books to use for credit at the bookstore, but anyway, I got 6 books. All but one are full size and 5 of them are a V.C. Andrews series.

After the bookstore, we went to Walgreens and they had that Turbie Twist towel! I love it too, and it really works well. I had my doubts at first that it’d dry hair faster cuz it looked/felt just like a regular towel, but it did dry it faster. Even if it didn’t, it’s nice just to have a convenient way of getting it up and out of the way till it dries. I hated having to have it plastered to me and dripping for nearly an hour. That reminds me - Mom said Mary was looking for the one they’ve got to bring to me, but she couldn’t find it. Yeah, that’s something Mary would do – lose a towel. That’s what a slob she is. Anyone who can’t find a towel, especially one like that, lives in major clutter. Leave it to Mary to be that disorganized and unable to find things. Just like Tom can’t find anything in his office. And Mary’s place isn’t just a mess, it’s filthy!

I also got a pair of colorful gloves for a couple of bucks. They’re knit gloves that are small and said to stretch to fit anyone. They help keep my hands from feeling chafed while I row, but I do the exercises without them.

I got strawberry-kiwi lip gloss in a shiny tube, a puzzle with palm trees and flowering bushes, two pairs of panties, and a sports bra.

Tom said he saw rubber spiders and rubber rats but forgot to show them to me (we had split up for a while).

On our way back through all the cloud coverage, we could see individual storm cells, as Tom said they’re called. Even though it’s still cloudy out, it looks like the storms could be over, although there’s no way to know for sure at this point. I hope they are over. I’d like to sleep tonight, seeing how I’ve got my dentist appointment tomorrow, and how it’d be safer to drive in drier weather.

More annoying commercials – they have this stuff to kill mice for those who consider them pests, but what about stuff to kill dogs that some of us consider pests? You know, as in a couple of collies that barked non-stop and probably still do? I’m not there anymore, though, so you never know.

Yes, Dan’s definitely over there. He was quiet yesterday, thanks to the storms, but Friday night he gave us an engine-gunning spree. The gunning didn’t go on for hours, but long enough to be annoying and to tell me he was there. Also, the ‘for sale’ sign says the place is for sale by owner. Well, the owner kind of has to be there in order to sell it by the owner, don’t they? As long as we don’t get anything worse in there, I’m glad his place is up for sale. He needs to go. Tom says the place will take years to sell, but I doubt that. Especially if God’s planning on sending us noisier assholes to live over there, like he loves to do, so it’ll depend on how desperate he is to stick the same old shit near me.

I’m pretty sure I also heard music a few times Friday night too (that’s what I get for bragging about how quiet it’s been), but I’m not sure if all of it came from Dan. It could’ve been bangers cruising around.

Later...

He doesn’t get it. He just doesn’t get it. As soon as he said there was nothing to deal with today, I knew he didn’t get it. I was stressing big time about the fucking freeloaders (if I’m this stressed out a week in advance, imagine how I’ll be next weekend)! and they were on my nerves so much that I could barely concentrate on making chili mac and pudding for Tom. I don’t know, he just comes off as being as non-empathetic as he was when I wanted a kid really bad and it bothers me. It even hurts to know he doesn’t feel an ounce of anger towards these freeloaders for what they’ve put me through. He said being angry wouldn’t help things, but how can he not feel a bit of anger towards these fucking assholes? How could I not feel anger towards anyone who hurt him? What should I do if someone decided to strangle Houdini? Say, “Oh, well. Getting angry won’t change or help anything.” Is that what I should say? I don’t think so! I envy Tom and his ability to control his emotions, but I can’t just click off and ignore things I can’t or don’t want to deal with or that can’t be changed as he can. And to say there’s nothing to deal with today – ha! For who? For him maybe, but for me – I have to deal with all this stress these freeloaders continue to cause me as if we all still lived together as one big miserable bunch.

I tried calling Paula like I said I would this weekend, but got no answer. I left a message.

I came up with a brilliant idea the other night; to take pictures off the TV from frozen videos. I tried to pause videos and take pictures from the other TV, but it wouldn’t work. The glare I got off the glass made it look too washed out, but because this is a plastic screen, you don’t get a glare from it. The pictures don’t look great, but they look good enough. I took some still shots of Kate the other night.

Later…

Tom just went out to see when the next storm will come. No doubt when I’m asleep. Anyway, he said there’s a flash flood watch in effect, and that some places got really bad flooding.

Tom said that just because he doesn’t always show his emotions doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. I envy him! How I wish I was like him, not showing my emotions. I wish I didn’t feel the need to express my emotions and concerns cuz most of the time it just causes trouble. He said he chooses to be the way he is. Why can’t I choose to be the way I want to be? What blessed him with such control? He does it a little too well if you ask me. Sometimes it makes me feel like he has no feelings, no empathy, and like he’s trying to hide things.

Tom came back in saying that it may not rain if it keeps going in the direction it’s going in.

Later…

Tom’s in bed now. He went to bed early so he could get up earlier. Fortunately, I didn’t have to deal with any boring bed sessions. He took advantage of my stress, as I hoped he would, to bail his own disinterested self out of it.

Tuesday, October 24, 2000

Woke up a bit tired today. I’m sure I’ll be more tired each day through Monday. Probably even past that, cuz they’ll no doubt make me see Don and Helen next week too, so no sleeping in for me for what’ll no doubt be months.

It’s been pretty stormy for the last few days, but it looks like it may finally clear up now. Yesterday it rained like hell. No thunder and lightning, just lots of rain in patches. Instead of the hard rains monsoons normally bring, it rained fairly light off and on and for longer periods of time, although there were a few times when it was really coming down. When I got up today, I couldn’t see any of the surrounding mountains. They were all fogged out. The sun’s just now starting to burn away the clouds, but it’s still down to 60 degrees.

After doing so well, I’ve been stuck since Friday, thanks to the stress over the freeloaders. They even own my shit system and dictate when I can shit!

Helen’s office called yesterday saying Helen had to cancel our Saturday appointment, so I’m going in to waste another of our much-needed $25 tonight at 6:00. If she’s more than a few minutes late again, I’m gonna have to really stress to her that she needs to be punctual or I’m gonna have to see someone else. I’d have preferred to meet this Saturday, cuz it’d be closer to Monday than today is, but oh well.

Speaking of $25, I won $25 on a scratch ticket yesterday, plus two more bucks on another! I’ve never won that much before on a scratch ticket! He hasn’t either.

One of my biggest concerns going to court, even bigger than my concern of jail, is the money they’re gonna suck out of us. They’re gonna milk us dry! I know they will! And just how much of the hundreds of dollars are gonna end up in the freeloaders’ pockets, further humiliating me and damaging me emotionally? I’m already scarred for life cuz of these sick fucks, but have I asked God for help? Of course not! Why would I ask the very being who set all this shit up in the first place for help? He wanted these people to fuck with me, so no amount of begging and pleading would get him to call them off. He’s the one that had to sic them on me in the first place, so you think he gives a damn about how I’m feeling? Ha! He knowingly and intentionally made sure all this would happen. Why I don’t know. The only reasons I can think of are that he did it because I got away with shit in the past and because he just plain old doesn’t like me. He simply wants to punish me and he’s using them as a weapon to get at me. Another reason is that in his eyes, I rebelled against what he wanted for me. He wanted me to have noisy neighbors and I tried to fight it. Well, this is what I get for trying to get out of it, obviously.

I cannot begin to express the emotional damage jail would do to me, if that’s where I ended up. If I think I’m emotionally damaged enough as it is, I doubt I could ever recover from being sent to jail. I’m not gonna even recover from this! If I picked on innocent people - picked on them with way more than just words on paper or an answering machine - that’d be different. But these are people that provoked me for no reason at all and I spoke out about it. I simply gave them a piece of my mind. Going to jail would be literally taking my life. I wouldn’t be able to rock when I got out, since sitting in that position takes regularity. I’d be a stranger to Houdini, my muscle tone would be gone, and I’d no doubt be unable to have sex again - there’s no end to what it’d do to me. I don’t think, this time around, I could just kiss ass and turn the other cheek, if I got sent to jail. I don’t think I could just “take it.” I really think I’d need to hunt their asses down and literally kill them. I’ve been itching with the desire to kill them for years now, so imagine how that’d escalate if I ended up jailed any more than I already have been for these fucking freeloaders.

How can God be so mean? How can he be so damn cruel and insensitive as to let these people harass and victimize me for years and make me pay for it all because I sent a letter and made a phone call about it?! Does he really not have one ounce of sympathy and mercy for me? Did he feel my life was too empty and boring that he had to go and sic these freeloaders on me? What? Did he feel that since a kid would be too much for me to handle, and since I’m not in a position to work or have a career of any kind, I should at least be victimized by people who should’ve been a part of my past as of April 4th, 1999? These freeloaders will never be a part of my past. Never! And I don’t see how I can ever heal or get over what they’ve done to me. I can’t just “walk away,” can’t just “ignore them” and their effects on me.

Meanwhile, I expect to hear from Paul and Don this week for sure.

Oh, and also – Tom said that at this point, the Paul’s out of it and it’s up to the judge and the probation department from here on out. I don’t know about that, but if he’s right, it’s not very consoling to know that two people who don’t even know me from a hole in the wall are going to sit in judgment of me. Even I’d think I looked back with the case presented as it is, never knowing, witnessing, and living through what they put me through, and never knowing me. They don’t know a damn thing about me.

It still bothers me that I quit smoking, I go to Helen for him, yet what personal changes is gonna make for me? When does he do something so he can cum at least every other time? Again, I know I’m sterile, and I know that he could cum every day and not impregnate me, but I want to see it played out anyhow. It’s just not fair. I make all kinds of personal changes, more for him than for me, yet he won’t lift a finger to change one simple little thing for me, and if he does, it’s only short-term and then he quits. He gives up on everything. I wasn’t asking him to cum for the rest of his life, either. Just for a few consistent months. That’s it. So, to know that’s too much to ask of my own husband is both humiliating and insulting. It really is.

Yesterday’s trip to the dentist wasn’t any more fun than I thought it’d be. Those bottom front teeth sure were sensitive! They stung like hell while he worked on them. The top retainer was OK, but the bottom needed tightening. Just like the last time, Anne assisted the doctor, but I did see Melanie along the way. We said hi and bye to each other as I came and went. My next appointment is for a cleaning and check-up on 12/21.

Now why can’t most blacks be like Anne? Dear, sweet, smart, friendly black Anne?

After the dentist, which fortunately didn’t make me shaky and dizzy this time around, we went to the mall. They’re gonna up my ring from a 4½ to a 5½ by cutting it and adding a plain piece of gold. It’ll cost $25 and will be ready on court day. Then, if I ever miraculously lose weight, I can either put tape or something on the underside of the ring or I can get the extension removed.

After leaving the mall and passing by many different kinds of stores I wished I could shop in, we went to a scummy, Mexican grocery store. It was the only convenient one on the way.

Once back in Maricopa, we stopped at Circle K for the bingo scratch tickets and our usual treats.

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

Don finally called. He called at 9:30 wanting to see if I’d be around later so he can call me later on this afternoon to ask me a couple of questions pertaining to my interview (which is no doubt gonna be about money). As friendly as he sounded, I’m not looking forward to our chat. Oh, how I wish I could snap my fingers and have it be October 31st! But why does he have to call just to “see if I’ll be around?” Can’t he just call when he’s ready to and find out? Makes me wonder who he may be sending out here. After being bullshitted by the cop with the Robin H story and possibly by Mr. Biased who told me this was over, I don’t know who or what to believe, and now I’m beyond just nervous – I’m scared! I’m hoping I can at least find out more of what’s going to be going on today, like how much more money we’re gonna lose over this, etc.

Ratsy still looks like he’s dying. Every day he gets weaker and weaker, yet every time I think he’s reached the end, he lives on!

I’m too wound up to get into yesterday’s visit to Helen’s and other things, so I’ll do it later.

Later…

Having nothing more to do tonight that I feel like doing, I’ll get some writing done. I’ll discuss Helen, then Don, although I don’t expect I’ll finish writing all I’ve got to say tonight. Actually, let me cover some little odds and ends first.

We discussed getting a male and female mouse from different stores this weekend so we can start breeding them (hopefully), but we’re gonna wait and make sure I don’t end up in jail first. So, we’ll get them on Monday if I’m not in jail.

We stopped at Walgreens after Helen’s and got a few treats. A few new toys, you could say. For just a buck I got a cute, pink beanbag mouse. Got another Barbie in a pink, purple, red, and white squared dress with pink boots, a couple more puzzles, and some cologne. I got that musk scent I had before, only this one’s got body glitter in it. I also got a scent called Sunflowers. I was surprised that with a name like that, it smells so good. It’s the best one yet, next to the musk which is just about my favorite. Getting a 4-pack of body sprays last year was a dumb mistake, cuz one of them turned out OK, another was almost OK, and the other two were stunk. It’s best to do what I did; the second to last time we were in Walgreens, I sprayed a tester on myself and gave myself time to decide whether or not I liked it. You can’t always tell right away. At least I can’t.

When we got home, I thought – oh, shit! We’re just in time for a show from Dan, but once we got inside the house, he either shut up or didn’t gun that loud. So far, his motors haven’t been as loud as they were last year.

OK, onto Helen. Helen was kind enough to give me a piece of paper with information she copied from somewhere regarding Tom’s problem. I was astonished to learn that his problem is fairly common, and for the first time since knowing him, I believe there’s a damn good chance he really is telling the truth to the best of his ability. This doesn’t mean I’m not right about his subconscious fear of a kid, but at least I’ve learned that there’s a 99% chance he is being honest with me (I didn’t expect this out of therapy!).

Thursday, October 26, 2000

There was a knock on the side door while I was watching TV the other day. I knew they knew someone was home because I knew they had to have heard the TV. I ignored them till I was able to see two guys in jeans and maroon shirts saying: Pinal County Assessors. At that point, I could see that one had measuring tape strung out, and the other started to persistently pound on the front door, so at this point, I felt it was not cop-related and safe to open the door. They said they’d come to measure the house. Tom later told me it was for tax purposes. I swear we’ve had more people knock on this door than our door in Phoenix, excluding mail people!

I have so much to say and so many thoughts racing through my head. I feel like this bullshit case is getting worse and worse and so are my anxieties. The main thing Helen and I discussed and that she told me was to work on was controlling my thinking, which she understands is often easier said than done and will take time to do. She said don’t let them win by worrying about them and thinking about them. Well, they already have won. They won years ago and they’re still winning. And no, I can’t get them and what they’ve done to me off my mind, either. They made my life a living hell and they continue to do so to this day and probably the rest of the days of my life, too.

After talking with Don yesterday, going to jail or paying thousands of dollars isn’t my biggest concern anymore. Being forced to work is my biggest concern! I was completely blown away to learn that going to work or school is part of probation and that they can order a person to do so. First of all, there’s no way I could get to work or school with bus lines over an hour away and with him needing the car to drive himself to and from work. Secondly, who the hell are they to demand I go to work? Is this God’s punishment to me for bashing freeloaders for not working? Well, it’s not like I’m living off of people’s tax money, wandering the streets all day, or sitting at home staring at the walls all day, either. I have a right to be the homemaker that I am and that is a job. Paul says that those who aren’t home watching children are considered not having anything to do, so they should be working. I know society’s grown more and more against the idea of those being homemakers, but it’s my life, goddamn it! I’m not a murderer and I don’t think I should be forced to change my life over a letter and a phone call! Even the standard $40-a-month probation fee doesn’t fit the crime. That’s outrageous! These fucking freeloaders are gonna end up costing us around 1000 bucks! Maybe more. What they’re asking is unfair, unreasonable and even impossible. They’re asking too much of me! Period. I can see going to a counselor and checking in weekly with a probation officer and even their outrageous fee, but work or school? I don’t think so! I explained to both Don and Paul how difficult it would be for me to work even if transportation wasn’t an issue, because of my phobias and lack of trust concerning being around people (especially in regular jobs that don’t involve stripping). I told them I was on disability cuz of it and will provide documentation of that in court, although I know it’ll be useless.

Fuck these fucking freeloaders for turning my life upside down and ruining it like they have!!! In a sense, they’re making it worse now than when we lived with them. Tom said they can’t force someone to move. But he also said they couldn’t make people work either, yet he was wrong. Being made to work will force me to move. I’d need to see if I could stay with Mary so I could be near bus lines. I told them, though, that if I could do work at home, even if it was stuffing envelopes for free, that’d be fine, but think about it. How many home jobs do they have? They’re very very scarce.

Paul, who I called myself, said they’re not necessarily going to make me work, but in the end, he didn’t make me feel any better about the prospect of it and even left me more convinced that they will order me to work.

I suppose that after they control my life, my body comes next, huh? I wouldn’t put it past them to order me drugged up. I am not taking drugs as a way of coping with my problems and I will go to jail before I let anyone make a guinea pig of me like they did in the past, and then they’ll have to pay (for my food and shit like that). I’m sorry, but there’s only so far you can go with controlling people, and I cannot let these people, even if it’s the courts, seize total control of my life/body. I’ve had very little say in my life/body as it is, and I don’t need them seizing what little control I do have. Fucking mother-fucking freeloaders! Aaaaarrrggghhhh! They control everything. Virtually all aspects of my life revolve around them. They dominate, dictate and control my life as if I were their puppet on a string! I really am never going to be able to live for myself, am I? I really am never going to be able to live life for myself and take charge of my own life and body. My whole life is really going to be about having to do what society says I should do with my life, and probably my body, too. It’s reasonable that society says I shouldn’t murder and that I shouldn’t smoke crack, but how the hell can they have the right to tell me I have to work and maybe even take psycho pills? Why is it that whenever I want to do something in life, someone or something is there to say no, you can’t do that, and there’s never a damn thing I can do about it? What they say always goes when it comes to how I live my life and what I do with my body.

Paul says he’s going to ask for a probation officer who deals with mental health (I guess I’d have to see their doctors too, who’ll be predisposed to believing I’m crazy), but in the end, everything’s up to the judge. Up to this person who doesn’t know me and could never understand why certain things are just too damn hard for me.

Why is God doing this to me? Is there some hidden purpose behind all this shit that I can’t see? Is this more than just a punishment? Is this supposed to lead to something I can’t see? After all, I’ve been saying that due to all the appointments and shit going on, I felt like he was preparing me for something. Something fast-paced that’d keep me on my toes and cause me to have to keep a schedule regularly. Well, I knew all along that thing wouldn’t be a kid, so what the hell’s going on? Is he trying to turn me into a career woman? Well, he should’ve done that back when I was in the city if that’s what he’s aiming at here. Does he want me to fit in with 85% of the female population by working? But I don’t want to “fit in.” I just want to live my life in peace with the right to be a homemaker. Without the freeloaders, courts or cops butting into it.

For the next year, I thank God Tom is the way he is and that I’m sterile. At least he can rest assured that I won’t want us to do a thing about the way we are for at least a year, maybe even a few years. Or maybe even never, cuz there’s no fitting that into our schedule with all life’s bullshit. I mean, I don’t see how we could fit that in in the future any more than we could’ve in the past/present, so pressure or requests to seek help for change is something he’s definitely not going to have to worry about for quite a while.

Don said it wasn’t in his report, the being dragged to the police station in January, told it was over when it wasn’t, the subpoena I never got, being arrested and jailed overnight in July. How convenient. Did they neglect to report that to Don to cover for the fact that they lied to me and infringed upon my rights by not arraigning me within the proper time frame? Probably so. Well, it doesn’t matter in the end what rights or rules the cops or courts fuck up on or break altogether. They can get away with anything and do anything they damn well please.

I get victimized and badgered by these sick fucks for years, send a letter and make a call letting them know just how I feel about it, and now I have to pay an outrageous $40 a month for it, be forced to find a way to work out of the house and give up my job as a homemaker, be forced to see doctors and therapists God knows how many times a week, and be doped up for it, too. Life’s just great! Maybe I was better off listening to their fucking music and ball games. At least it didn’t cost any money and I could keep my life the way it is as far as keeping house goes.

I’m never gonna break free of the freeloaders and their effects on me and my life. Before they owned my right to peace and my mental state, and it was in their hands whether or not I slept. Now they own it all. Everything I do is in their hands. I just can’t hear or see them, that’s all. However, if I’m forced to move into the city so I can work, I’ll be back with the bangers and all the shit that goes with being in the city. When we first moved and were forced to go into the city to the hotels, I felt like the city just wouldn’t quite loosen its grip on me. It was like it was hesitant to let me go. Now I feel like it’s calling me back. Like God’s unhappy with me being a rural person. He wants me back in the city with the freeloaders and courts in control of my life/body.

You don’t know just how bad I’d like to get a hold of that scrawny little black neck and choke the life right out of that sick bitch – ugh! However, at this point, I’d rather just move the fuck on!!! I want them out of my life much more so than to bash their skulls in!!!

My mind’s racing back and forth between just waiting and seeing what they say next Monday, to not even bothering to show up, to not bothering to do a damn thing they say after the 30th if I’m not in jail, to going to jail and letting them pay for everything and saving our money, to killing myself.

Don said that as he tells everyone, “Expect the worst and hope for the best.” Yeah, right! I expect the worst, but how can I hope for the best? There’s no hope for me with this case, trust me.

I also learned that he’s not my probation officer. All he is is a pre-sentencing court reporter who talks to all parties involved and then gives the info to the judge. I’m sure my probation officer will be black or Mexican. Why not assign the “racist” to the people they’re supposed to hate, huh? That’s no doubt what they’re thinking, but hey, as long as they’re fair I don’t care what color or race they are.

Later…

I also left a message for Helen yesterday, asking that she mail to our PO Box the fact that I feel very uncomfortable around people, and therefore, working would be very stressful for me. Me and people just don’t mix. I clash with them and they clash with me. They always have a complaint or problem with me and I can’t deal with their incompetent, contradictory, and sometimes devious ways. I can’t stand evil little people lying to my face and then laughing about it at my expense behind my back. If I were to keep my mouth shut I’d be considered stuck-up, and if I were to talk they’d have a problem with just anything I could say. Anyway, I don’t know what Helen can do or if it’d even help, but we’ll see. Meanwhile, she gave me a log for our appointments.

I wonder if the courts won’t demand things of me they know damn well I couldn’t do, so they can have an excuse to throw me in jail, simply because they just don’t like me.

When I first got up, I wondered how I could possibly even make it through the day cuz I was such a bundle of nerves. Well, not that I’m now this object of tranquility and serenity, but I actually felt my nerves calm a bit after finally breaking down and pleading with God to ease up on me. I can’t ask him to stop the very shit he obviously wanted to start, but I begged him to help me with my nerves. He’s the last person I wanted to lower myself to running to, what with all he’s let happen to me. It must’ve been just a coincidence that I felt calmer, cuz why would he help the very people he hurt? I wonder how I’m gonna manage the sleep aspect of it. I’m getting less and less sleep cuz although I’m getting up a half-hour earlier each day, this does not mean I’m able to go to bed earlier.

Tom said he saw Dennis, who mentioned the clothes I left in the trailer. He said there was a whole drawer full of stuff. Really? I thought I only left 3 pairs of shorts. Anyway, he told Tom that after he goes on a hunting trip, he’ll bring in the stuff. That was honest of him to mention it and to say he’ll bring it in. I don’t have to have the stuff back, but it would be nice.

Friday, October 27, 2000

My weight has slipped back down to just under 115 pounds, rather than just over. I don’t know if it’s cuz of stress, having less sugar, or both.

Somebody tried calling who was out of the area just after 9:00, but they didn’t leave a message.

Again, God’s the last one I wanted to go crying to for help dealing with all the stress that’s on me, and as belittling as it was, I had to try, even if it was a one-in-a-million chance that he’d help me through this in any way. I had to at least try. I begged that he not let them make any unreasonable or impossible demands of me and to please not let them make me work or go to school. The only way I could do that would be to leave my home and my husband, yet Tom swears they cannot split us up, nor can they make us move. I don’t know about that anymore. I’m beginning to wonder if the courts aren’t God himself. With the way the laws have gotten so strict and so damn ridiculous, I think they could order me to stand on my head all day if they wanted to. I mean, really! Next thing I know, it’ll be a class 1 felony to wear purple T-shirt dresses, and I won’t know it till it’s too late and I find out the hard way.

I feel like God or something up there is trying to force me back with people. I don’t want to be with people on a regular basis! That’s why we moved here; to get away from people. Yet I still feel like whatever’s up there is saying, as it has with just about all the things I choose, no, you can’t do that. I want you back in the city and with people. It’s like the more I try to avoid something in particular, the more I’m forced to endure it.

They’ve already hyped this thing up and blown this case way, way out of proportion. So, if they want to act like I committed a violent offense and make me pay the outrageous probation fee, fine, but enough is enough already! I’ll be damned if I’ll allow them to change my whole life and even my body over this! They’re gonna have to meet me halfway and do their part in cooperating as well! The less cooperation I get from them, the less they’ll get from me. If they want me to work, fine, but they’re gonna have to set me up with a home job. It’s as simple as that. I’ve thought about it and have decided that if they ask the impossible of me, I just won’t do it. Period. It’s my life/body and I’m sick of people telling me what to do with it. Especially in so many extremely unfair, unreasonable, and now maybe even impossible ways.

Although Tom says I don’t have to worry or prove anything to the courts, I fear them calling me a liar and being even harsher on me for guessing wrong how much Tom takes home monthly. I guessed he took home $1400 a month when in fact he really takes home $1700 a month. Well, as I told them, Tom’s perfectly willing to provide them with any documents they may need, but would they buy it if I told them I was mistaken, should they bring that up again, or will they call me a liar? Well, they can call me what they want and they can order me not to send any mail like that again, but they cannot take charge of my life and body as if they own it. I’m nobody’s slave. Not even those who don black robes.

Later…

I told Tom that I’m sorry for not believing him all these years about you know what. I’m glad someone, somewhere, showed me the documentation on it. I just wish they’d done it sooner! However, I pointed out to him that I may have been wrong about him doing it on purpose, but I wasn’t wrong about saying it wouldn’t just “go away.” So no, not talking about it won’t “fix it.” It’ll just make it easier for him to ignore it, but here’s the good news - I’d be thrilled for us to ignore it for a good long time. The last thing I want in this sick, crazy, unfair world is to drag a kid into it and in the middle of life’s misery (aside from taking on responsibilities I couldn’t handle). At least right, now and probably for quite a while, this is how I feel. Right now, I don’t think I’ll even want to deal with it, nor my bed problems (my low drive), till way in the future, like when I’m around 40, if ever at all, but we’ll see. Let’s just say that this year and the next are definitely out of the question. He’s very welcome to not cum and not seek help for it for a good long time to come, or maybe even forever.

I forgot to mention that Don said he doubts the black bitch will be there. Bullfuckingshit she won’t be! If she has a right to be there, and I don’t see why she wouldn’t, she’ll be there. She wouldn’t miss it for the world. I just hope this will be the last time I have to be degraded into seeing that sick face! Haven’t I been victimized enough by her and her equally sick associates? So victimized and the courts don’t even know it. Nor do they even know or see this bitch’s true colors. I don’t think they ever wanted to, either.

What Ratsy did earlier was both sweet and sad. The poor thing can barely raise his head now and he’s lost more weight and fur. I don’t think he’s even eating much anymore. He tried pulling himself up out of his door, which I helped him to do since he’s so weak. He sat with me and let me pat him and although it was sweet, it was sad. It’s as if he knows he doesn’t have much time left and so he wants all the love and attention he can get. I’m pretty sure he’ll be gone by the middle of next month.

Helen’s one of those few who like me, isn’t afraid of rats. She said her son had a rat that she got attached to, and it was over two and under three when it died. That’s how old Ratsy is.

I’ve been making “preparations,” so to speak, just in case they do decide to throw me away in jail. For example, I moved the bigger dolls that were on top of the entertainment center that’s in my office so that Tom could use my stereo without worrying about shaking things around and knocking the dolls off if he wanted to use it.

It’s raining out now. Hope no thunder wakes me this weekend. I’ve been waking up every hour as it is just because of all this freeloader stress. Same fucking shit, even worse, than when I had her sitting on my shoulder – the fucking mother-fucking bitch! God, I hope what goes around really does come around! I hope that somehow, somewhere, someday, someone will give this bitch and her partners a taste of their own medicine, but you know what? I doubt it. I seriously doubt it. I don’t believe what comes around goes around for everyone. For some, including myself, but not for all. All I know is I made something very angry up there for rebelling against its “freeloader treatment” it felt I deserved by moving, then by speaking my mind about it.

Anyway, I also left Tom instructions for the best and easiest way to care for the animals, not that he’s this stupid idiot or anything. I asked that he bury Ratsy by Scuttles, cuz if they do toss me away, he’ll most definitely be gone when and if I ever made it out of there. Personally, I think I’d just curl up and die. I’d want to die if I committed some horrible crime and deserved what I got, but to go to jail for this? For this?!?! You bet I’d want to keel over and go belly up. In fact, I wouldn’t mind it right about now. If I was doomed to die at this very moment, as long as it wasn’t going to be a long, drawn-out painful ordeal, I’m ready to go. I’m ready to leave this fucked, unfair world. Just say the word, God, and I won’t rebel or fight you on that one!

I wish I had more guts than I do, cuz then I could hang myself. It isn’t just lack of bravery, though, that’s kept me from doing that up till now - it’s Tom. I live for him, but I wonder just how far I can be pushed before even his pleading for me to live just isn’t enough.

Later…

Here I was thinking that Ratsy wouldn’t make it to the middle of next month. Well, he won’t even make it to the first of it, cuz I just found him dead. I’m too sad now to write anymore.

Saturday, October 28, 2000

Today we buried Ratsy next to Scuttles in the special cemetery. It’s hard to believe he’s gone after over two years. Because of all the rain yesterday, we kept him inside by the back door wrapped in a pretty aqua-colored plastic bag with that neon twine securing it. I’ll miss him. We agreed we’d also get a rat on Monday, as well as mice to breed with, so Houdini can have a roommate. Rats and mice hate living alone.

Lately, I’ve been needing 3mg of Melatonin and a Benadryl to go to sleep, but last night I only needed 1mg of Melatonin cuz I also had 1.5 bottles of wine. It sure is helping to relax me throughout the weekend, but even without being under the influence of wine, as I am now, I’m not the basket case I thought I’d be and oughta be. Maybe it’s cuz of my prayer, maybe it’s cuz Helen’s words are finally sinking in – don’t let them win. Well, they might’ve won long ago, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let the courts bully/intimidate me! You don’t know how tempting it’s gonna be on Monday, no matter what the ruling is, as long as I’m free, to simply up and walk away from the court’s orders. Again, this is a letter sent to someone who harassed me for years. Not some violent act committed against an innocent person. And I’m sick to death of others telling me what to do! The only problem with ignoring them and getting on with my life is that I know they’ll get me for it, and God will make damn sure they do too, just like he made sure they got me on the default warrant I never knew existed. You’d think they’d spend their time pursuing those who are violent, but nope. I’m a woman, I’m the type of person they wouldn’t let “win,” so to speak, and not do what they say, and I couldn’t hide from them forever. Even if I could, God would still send me straight into their eagerly awaiting arms somehow, some way. He’d probably have a cop pull us over when we were going somewhere, for whatever reason, then I’d be trapped. I also doubt there’s a statute of limitations on disobeying court orders. So, although I have no choice but to let them boss me around for the next year, I’ll be damned as I’ve said numerous times, if they’re gonna force me to change my life/body and make me do things that are simply not possible or inappropriate. But as I also said, if they ask the impossible of me, I just won’t do it. It’s that simple. I cannot do the impossible.

Mom sent back a little toy doll for me with Tom yesterday. It’s a plastic doll that’s only a couple of inches in length and probably came with a fast food meal or cereal. It’s a doll in a wheelchair with a sports cap on her head and a lock of hair sticking out in back. I guess it’s a racing wheelchair she’s in.

Sunday, October 29, 2000

Tomorrow will be my final round with these freeloaders, and I’ve decided – that’s it! I have to get on with my life and I’ve had enough! Tomorrow is the last day I do something, go somewhere, or pay money because of the freeloaders. I’m 35, not 15, and my life is my life and I’m gonna run it from now on! Period. No one tells me what to do from here on out, no one! I have to take charge of my own life and live my life for me once and for all. Not what others decide. I’ve had my life run, controlled and dictated enough by individuals and society in general. I’ll see Helen at least for a while longer, and I’ll behave, but damn it, it’s time I took control of my own life and freedom and that’s exactly what I’m going to do!!! I’m breaking free of these fucking freeloaders for once and forever. I will not be their little victim anymore! I can’t stop them from throwing me in jail tomorrow if that’s what they choose to do, but I can ignore them and their unfair, outrageous, inappropriate or even impossible demands. I did my time paying for the freeloaders. No more! And if they can’t handle that and they want to treat me like some common criminal who’s done violence – fine. But they’ll never get me unless they bust their way into here and haul me out. Is this bullshit really worth it to them? Are a letter and a phone call really worth the effort? We shall see, but I’ll be damned if I’ll have judges, probation officers, or anyone, playing Mommy and daddy with me. It would be totally discriminating of them to tell me I had to work just cuz I ain’t got a kid, and guess what? I do work and I intend to keep my job.

[seoconsultant-1]

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[sungtaro]

hi hi I'm the aspiring teume anon from earlier 🐇 hmm honestly I've just seen them around for so long and they seem so goofy (aka my fave thing abt groups) so I can't help but wanting to know them more.

I do think I have a few songs of them saved that I sometime listen to. lemme check- oh rightt I love darari and jikjin but that's basic of me and I do have boy as well that I listen to occasionally that I also like!

and ofc the thing that help me the most to get into a group is them just catching my eyes 👀👀 but yeah im not sure yet. usually I can guess my bias pretty fast just from looking at them but I'm not sure bc they're all cute 🥺 but maybe (definitely not for sure yes actually it is) hyunsuk and yoshi caught my eye a lil more (I remember esp when watching performance vids a few times).

hhhh who knew I have sm to say abt them, I would love to hear what/who u love most and also like if u have any recommendations like ur fave songs or vids of them (not necessarily what u think I'd like but what u like, I think for me seeing someone love their ults makes me fall hard for them too)

Sorry this turned out so long I was rambling. Hope u have a good day/night!🩷🩷

yaaay this is so exciting 🫶🏻 jikjin and darari are so valid i rly think that comeback got a lot of people's attention bc it was so strong! hyunsuk and yoshi are such a pair, i feel like if you bias one you kind of end up biasing the other 😂 they're both really soft and sweet but yoshi is also lowkey playful / an unexpected menace haha. this will be long so i'll put my ramblings under the cut 🤩

there is sooo much i love about trejo but i think a major thing is that i actually love their entire discography, like i do not think they have a single bad song. i'm mainly a b-side enthusiast (u, volkno, come to me, darari rock remix, be with me ...) but my favorite title has always been 'i love you' which is what initially got me into them; i saw the music video and it felt like it was tailored to my tastes with the bright colors, aesthetic sets and the more refreshing concept, they just looked like they were having so much fun. after that, it was over for me lol i watched everything i could get my hands on, including all of treasure map, which i always recommend to new teumes if you have time to just watch from the beginning because you really get to know them and see how much their relationships grow over time. but if i had to recommend just a couple episodes my favorite of all time is 30-31 it is PEAK treasure silly chaos. sadly, we did lose 2 members this last year but mashiho and yedam are back on instagram and working on their own projects so we're all just waiting to see what they'll do next, and supporting the group as a 10 piece!

i love that the members who are interested in it have opportunities to be part of the writing and production; and ones who aren't ready for that at the official album level still get chances to practice on their own. y/g may give me a headache 99% of the time but it's clear that they foster their idols as artists and i really appreciate that. asahi especially does a lot w this, he's behind 'orange' and 'thank you' ; and rap line also does quite a bit of writing, i rly think volkno is some of their absolute best work and you can hear how much influence they pull from iconic artists. treasure in particular is also first and foremost a performance team - so the focus was to have a balanced lineup that can really put on a show. hands down this group is top of 4th gen performancewise, their stage presence and command is INSANE especially given that they had a pandemic debut. i highly recommend checking out any of their end of year show stages if you haven't - even their early ones - but particularly 2022 mama , & their GDA performance is of all the songs you have saved !

as for my favorite members, i think everyone knows jaehyuk has my heart but actually my first treasure ult is jihoon 💖 i could talk about them for a zillion years so i won't go on that rant in this response lol but i do love all the members and i think what i really like about large groups (and why i keep ending up stanning them lol) is that you get to see a lot of different relationship dynamics, it's i think a lot harder to fake a 'we're all best friends' narrative in a big group and i appreciate that because i don't buy that all (or even most) groups are all best friends lol it's not realistic. i'd rather see a group that works well as a team and treasure is definitely that, they see themselves that way and you can tell by how they treat each other and work together that there's a ton of love and respect and yes, a lot of real friendships there. and they ARE goofy hehe. anyways ... i think that's a good start LOL i hope it is i really just kind of went into rant mode so i hope i didn't bore you and that you might find some helpful stuff in here 🥰

[danpuff-ao3]

Rarepair Tag Game

Thanks for the tag @cindle-writes!

Tagging: @writcraft, @perverse-idyll, @lizzy0305, @tackytigerfic, @sitp-recs, @consistentsquash, @mxlfoydraco, @wolfpants, @crazybutgood, @siriusly-sapphic, @stonedregulus, @broomsticks, @phoebe-delia, @nv-md, @ashesandhackles, @teacup-tai, @billsfangearring, @snapesnailtape, @fangqueen, @charlotterhea, and uhhh...anyone else who wants to play? And no pressure to the zillion people I tagged. It's just for funsies and I'm curious about what folks like! 😄

Rules: List the top rarepairs that you like outside of your OTP, and why you ship it! (Criteria for what makes a rarepair is up to your own discretion.)

My OTP is Snarry and I'm pretty sure most ships I like outside of Snarry are rarepairs haha! Let's seeeee...🤔

Harry/Scorpius

As I like to say: Snarry is my husband, and Scarry is the hot poolboy. I am a devoted wife, I swear, but sometimes...Well, sometimes a gal fantasizes about the poolboy, what can I say? 🤷‍♀️ I often struggle shipping Harry or Severus with other people, but Scarry feels less like a struggle and more like temptation. And while I find Young Severus ships easier to read (as I can imagine all roads lead to Snarry), I suppose Scarry can be enjoyed in the terrible universe in which Harry's actual soulmate was gone. (Not me vehemently defending myself for my guilty pleasure ship, noooo 😂)

Anyway, all that to say, I often wondered why I shipped Scarry myself. Why it's so much easier for me to enjoy than other Harry ships. Sure, it has the age gap thing going for it. And "son's best friend" going for it. And "son of my childhood rival" thing. Okay so yeah maybe it does make sense. 😂 What it lacks (in my imaginings) is all the fire I generally am drawn to, but ah well. It has enough else going in its favor. And really, what I'm only just now recognizing is that this sort of came together for me the same way Snarry did: my great love of the characters separately. I read the Cursed Child and fell in love with sweet cinnamon roll Scorpius. Which turned into...me being into Scarry!

Of course in my brain it happens one of two very specific ways 😂 Either Severus is...not there. For reasons. And Harry moves on with Scorpius one day. OR it's a one sided crush on Scorpius' end, which I am also hecka into. Who doesn't like a bit of unrequited love?? (At least, when their OTP isn't suffering for it.)

Draco/Sirius

I'M OBSESSED. WHY IS THERE NOT MORE OF THIS SHIP OUT THERE???? I CRY. Ahem. Anyway.

It's the age gap. It's the cousin incest. It's the "hooking up with my rival's godfather." It's the Gryffindor vs Slytherin of it. It's the Order and Death Eater of it. Also...they're both really pretty. 🤷‍♀️ Those good good Black genes, you know?

Also I just feel like...it can work. One of those things that might start off as sex and becomes really serious even though they both refuse to admit it for the longest time?

Sirius likes a challenge, I think, and Draco can provide one. And there's much more depth to Draco than I think Sirius might initially give him credit for. I see him as being a bit vain and a bit proud, but also insecure and vulnerable. He's sassy and bratty, and spoiled, but also with a lot of hurt and a lot of problems he himself might not be fully aware of. It's the complications and contradictions the Black family knows so well, and Sirius can understand Draco at that level better than most people, but also isn't so tied to family tradition that he can help pull Draco away from it. Sirius can shake up Draco's world a bit. Show him fun, silly things like bars and motorcycles and crappy Muggle flats. But also introduce him to freedom, and letting loose, and finding himself outside of that "Malfoy heir" identity, the way Sirius ran away from his "Black heir" identity.

I don't think Draco will pull away as much as Sirius did, and Sirius will understand enough to meet Draco where he is. And he knows the world Draco comes from enough to integrate into it when he needs to. And I think they'll find a lot of understanding and acceptance together, and learn a lot together, and explore a lot together, and be really chaotic and intense and messy together, and find so much joy and contentment together.

I have many Drarius feelings and I really need to write more of them one day.

Snape/Filch

Delphi sure SOLD me on this one, geez Louise. This is one of those I don't think is forever, but is meaningful and impactful to both parties. (It's gotta end Snarry, y'know? 👀) Love the age gap. And I love it best when it's student/caretaker. Maybe New Professor/caretaker, even. I love the idea of these two outcasts coming together and finding comfort together, and being able to appreciate each other in ways other people don't.

They both have their bitterness, and their sense of cruelty. They're both overlooked and unappreciated. Filch as the Squib looking after a magical castle full of magical people. The butt of many jokes. And Severus, the half-blood, the poor kid, the ugly kid. From a rough background, and surrounded by peers of much better circumstance. Targeted by the Marauders (who cause Filch enough trouble, too.)

It's fascinating to me, to see Filch, who doesn't seem to like much of anyone, being drawn to Snape. Sort of feeling a kindred spirit in some ways. A sense of camaraderie in the way Snape is seen, and treated, by others. Severus' broodiness and bitterness. But mostly sparked by some stunt pulled by the Marauders.

And Filch being the one to see how amazing Severus is. How intelligent and skilled, but looked over in favor of more handsome and charming and well-connected students. And I can see him being a bit torn between smug pride over how similar they are, and sharing that feeling of "yeah people don't see what I'm capable of, either" and then part of him growing to really care for Severus and wanting better for him and wanting others to actually see Severus the way Filch does. And Severus appreciating that, and feeling seen and safe with someone, at least to the extent that he can feel those things. (Wary as he is.) And really enjoying the affection he gets, and pleasure from their physical relationship. And maybe learning at least some small sense of self-worth and confidence in his own physicality.

One day I'm going to write the Snilch-turned-Snarry of my dreams and it's gonna be great, and in the meantime, a gal can dream.

Ginny/Gwenog

LISTEN. 2 lady athletes being hot together? Why not?? Of course with Gwenog being barely more than a mention, a lot of this is built on headcanon for her, but like...

Quidditch hero Gwenog. I like to headcanon her as a Slytherin (primarily due to a Snegurochka fic.) She's a Slug Club alum. She's a famous athlete. So I like to imagine her as a bit arrogant, and sure of herself. And maybe there initially being a "don't meet your heroes" moment between Gwenog and Ginny wherein Ginny very quickly loses her admiration of Gwenog because they meet at the wrong time (imagine they meet at some Slughorn event, haha.) But as Ginny loses interest in Gwenog, Gwenog's interest in Ginny is sparked.

Then one day they meet on the pitch, either as teammates or rivals. Either could be fun! And sort of coming together over their love of the sport and Ginny realizing there's more to Gwenog than first impression led her to believe. Also: there's at least some sorta age gap there, which you KNOW I love!

Also I love the idea of tabloids painting Ginny some type of way when she moves from a high profile relationship with Harry Potter: hero to a high profile relationship with Gwenog Jones: celebrity athlete. And maybe unfairly getting a reputation as a fame whore. And Ginny being super bitter about it because they don't understand!!!!

Anyway basically there's a lot of fun to be had.

Also I have weirdly specific feelings about tall Ginny. Just this tall pretty redhead athlete with short!Harry, and then moving onto her shorter butch girlfriend Gwen. Idk but really tall and more femme Ginny just does it for me. Like...she's like "I have long hair and I can pull off pretty dresses, but also I have the Bat Bogey Hex mastered, and I'll kick your ass on the pitch" and I respect that.

Hermione/Lavender

My newest obsession weirdly??? Even though I've read hardly any fics for it and there's no age gap to be seen. 🤨 Love me some Hermione/Fleur you know (my favorite Hermione ship still), and Hermione/Minerva and Hermione/Narcissa, but lately Hermione/Lavender is doing it for me on an almost opposites attract level?

This gives me a big impression of two people with the wrong idea of each other and having to face their own biases once they start to connect on some level. And then both being Ron's exes is hilarious. Bonus points for that. And imagine them as a longterm couple and they laugh years later over it. "Remember how we both dated the same guy? And we were jealous of each other? And now we're madly in love? Haha, life is funny."

Like, yeah, Hermione can be a bit bossy and fussy, and opinionated and judgmental in her own way. A bit self-righteous. Lavender isn't a very academic sort of person, but she's not dumb, and she's very brave. I like the idea of Lavender finding respect and admiration for Hermione only once she moves past Hermione being "very smart." And even Hermione sees so much of her value tied to her intelligence, and Lavender finding value literally everywhere else. How loyal Hermione is, how passionate she is, her love of travel and culture, etc.

And Hermione having to look past Lavender's "silliness" and face just how judgmental she is, and having to come to grips with yeah Lavender likes to gossip, and dress up, and she's very romantic, and she's interested in Divination, but there's also more to her than that. And that there is still value in things Lavender enjoys even if Hermione doesn't care for them herself, or even "believe" in them. And Hermione finding value in Lavender beyond how pretty she is, or how playful (especially postwar when Lavender maybe deals with heavy scarring and trauma and maybe heavy blows to her self-esteem.) And maybe being seen and recognized for better qualities even she maybe didn't think of herself as having, such as being quite brave and quite strong.

I dunno I just really want to explore them and all of the potential gives me many feelings.

[mandajiu]

If you Love Dilraba and Wu Lei CP, let's talk about what you would like them to see without a CP brain. I'll be up front, the idea of him working with any of the purple ladies gives me the hives. If purple is not your favorite color then come in and let's talk!

Non-CP Post, but these photos of Anle and Hou Buyi which make up my lock-screen are so cute and if you can survive seeing the photo then we are good even if you are not a Bird Egg.

I know. I love both of them so much, and Zhou Yutong is also awesome. I cannot wait for Nothing But You. Our young man WL looks lovely here.

In the meanwhile, I've started Wang Hedi's new drama. Is the eunuch, not a eunuch thing new to dramaland? I know it is common in web novels. Part of me thinks 30 would make a great eunach-not-eunach but I just think his acting is superb and he keeps improving himself as does 88 so they can do anything and I will watch it.

On the Rumor (so likely to be false) of Dilraba in a "SIster-(Milk) Dog" Romance if Wu Lei were impossible match which would make this Bird Egg very sad: Of all the choices for a 姐狗 romance, I'd consider Wang Hedi the best choice if it were absolutely impossible to see 30 and 88 together in another drama anytime soon and this melon about an age-gap romance is true. I hope that 2023 will bring better tidings to 30 and 88 - I'm a bit worried about j@y#@)k tbh but worst-case scenario maybe Blizzard (which is partially under this studio) won't work out and it will force 88 and 30 to work together in a new modern drama -yeah let's ignore the reality of 88's essential slave contract to that studio. It would suck for 30 as I think he is already working on his billiards game, which those of us who have seen his vlog know needs a little work. Pure fantasy. I digress.

88, I hope you do Scenery of the Side this year. It would be so awesome to see you play a Uyghur woman again (I bet it would be an interesting journey going from Anarhan to this new character) even if there is a lot of boring stuff going on as usually happens with more serious dramas. I will watch anything but horror for you beauty.

30 - two new films, Nothing But You, and potentially a romance with a much younger leading ZJM who also has barely done kissing scenes. As much as 30 would benefit from being the teacher - we all know he is a bit domineering in a sweet way - I personally have some feelings about her age coupled with the novel being so very full of love scenes (keeping in mind the censors, it might be okay, but cringe - WL is so mature to me at 23 that the young ones seem too young but I still need to watch Reset this week). Add to that, I foresee half of C-Ent either salivating in glee over the match because they just love him with younger ladies or secretly hoping she drops out and their favorite childhood CP with WL can replace her. Hopefully the purple people will be calmer; Bird Eggs are loving on ZYT even though we (and even some Alices I know) really wanted it for WL and Dils.

Just not GX - the idea of them kissing gives me the shivers and I think they would agree - brother and sister who fight a lot? Yes! I can see this. Sworn enemies. Yup. Lovers? Ew I don't know if I could watch that. Maybe ex-spouses? That would be OK. I haven't watched all of the Shadow, but what I saw they were not on friendly terms. That one modern drama with them is still on my list, but I go second lead or friend vibes from the MV I saw. Honestly, WL really has the best energy with older women from Dils to YR to LQ and now ZYT - dang that boy is made for 小奶狗。I really, really hope he does a modern romance or action drama without birds with 88 and they don't even have to discuss age. She looks so young in modern romances to me and who cares - how many zillions of C-Dramas have been made with obvious age gaps and people don't say a word

OK I lied this IS 3088 CP-Related: The best drama from a web novel for Dils and WL would be Falling on a Spring Night; it would be amazing. If you haven't read that 3088 friendly novel - go read it now! Yes, it's crap but there are some golden moments such as how the younger man fell in love with the older woman. I just do not get anyone digging the 2nd lead in that book. He is an abusive F$^K seriously (Spoiler: he made the lead female eat hot chilis until she was hospitalized multiple times & I believe CW forced himself on her at one point) and I fear for humanity if we continue to be okay with abusers and like the idea of saving broken men. Yeah. No. The roles are literally made for Dils and WL - but some parts are tooo close to home, as in these characters were based on them for real. One plus - the age of the lead male is 20, so he could ratchet it up to a more palatable 23 now as he is that age. Yay! My step-dad was 22 when he started dating my mom, so I really have a soft spot for age-gap romances. He was very mature too. They married when he was 24 - Just saying.

This has been very random ADHD-driven rant.

Happy New YEAR of the Rabbit - 2023

新年快乐！

What kind of dramas do you want to see 30 and 88 do and what leading ladies/gentleman or none would you like to see? Am I the only one who does not want to think of Guan Xiaotong/Wu Lei in a romantic context? I didn't even grow up with them, it just FEELS wrong with their variety show interaction. Song Zhuer and Xiao Feng are okay.

[himitsu-luna]

Headcanon

࣪𑁍˖՚༹⌒ Domestic chores with Nct 127 ⌒ ༹՚˖𑁍 ࣪

ᨳ☆‧˚Taeil

Taeil always feels kinda discouraged to start doing the chores, and he drags you along on procrastinating with him

"Come here, Y/N, stay with me a little bit more! Let's cuddle five more minutes, okay?". You agree, ofc, and you stay on the bed for a little too long, talking about the zillion things you have to do, but not having the guts to leave each other's arms.

When you start cleaning the house though, he really gets into it. No dirty spots and no dusty surfaces escape his strong hands.

He plays the most random songs, from classic music to heavy EDM, and you vibe together while doing the chores, bouncing with your brooms in hands and spinning your stained cloths in the air.

In the kitchen, he always gladly cooks for you. But after a long tiring day doing domestic chores, you both agree on ordering some food, spending the night just chilling, watching a movie in the middle of which Taeil probably will fall asleep.

ᨳ☆‧˚Johnny

Johnny is the one who organizes the chores at home. He assigns what each one needs to do, and there you go, his high energy overflowing from his body, encouraging you and providing you the ignition you needed.

"I clean up here, you clean down there" - he says with a suspicious smirk. You don't know if he is making fun of you or if he is being considerate.

He needs his coffee pauses, and he makes you take a break too. You talk about the most random daily things, which always leads to precious bonding moments, the kitchen getting filled with laidback laughs.

Then you continue your activities, in your own pace, jamming to some soft background music.

Johnny likes to offer you rewards. "If we finish this today, I'll buy us some nice ice cream, and then I'll take you to the movies. Deal?"

ᨳ☆‧˚Taeyong

Taeyong has the most endearing way of convincing you that it's time to do some domestic chores. "Y/N, come hereeee! It's time for a couple activity!! I even got us matching rubber gloves, look!"

He doesn't let you do heavy tough stuff though. But when you see him struggling by himself and run to help him, he gives you the most precious smile, full of admiration and gratitude. A cute "Thank yoou!" (yes, in his cute english <3) leaves his mouth.

But there's one thing about doing chores with him that is a bit trick: he loves to rearrange the furniture and decoration. It's always extra tiring, but you have to give him the credit for your house being so cool and stylish.

Taking care of your pets is something that consumes a lot of time, but Taeyong does everything with happiness and sparkly eyes.

He makes sure you have some breaks, to keep hydrated and to eat something. He will prepare you some sandwiches, while you start to plan a little trip to the grocery shop.

ᨳ☆‧˚Yuta

Yuta and you have this synchronicity and telepathy. You think "I guess it's time to sweep the front yard". You get your broom and everything, and when you step out the house, Yuta is already there, cleaning everything.

"Oh, you had the same idea! Well, you can...", he says. "Oh, I guess I will...", you start. "....do the laundry.", you two say at the same time, smiling at each other.

He tries to do things in "Marie Kondo style". He takes a long time folding your clothes, but it's worth the effort. Your wardrobe is a beautiful piece of art.

If he thinks something is dangerous for you, he definetely won't let you do it. Changing the lamp? No no no! It's not that he thinks you're not capable of doing things, he knows you can do anything. He just can't live with the possibility of you getting hurt.

After a day of hard work, you take a warm bath together, and stay in bed for the rest of the night.

ᨳ☆‧˚Doyoung

Like Johnny, Doyoung assigns the chores. He knows the things each one of you is good at.

But he is the type of person that sees you doing something, and automatically says "Wait baby, let me do it for you", or starts helping you, out of habit.

For example: you're doing the dishes, you wash part of the things in the sink, and then you start to rinse them. Doyoung takes the opportunity to sneakily snatch the dish sponge and, it's too late, he won't give it back to you. "Don't get used to it though", he says with a little grin. You grin back, because you lost count of how many times you've heard this same sentence.

You have a lot of plants at home, and Doyoung treats them like real babies. He even bought one for you, a baby tree of your favorite fruit.

Cooking is his thing, so he makes sure you have a nice, delicious and nutricious meal everyday.

ᨳ☆‧˚Jaehyun

Jaehyun will gladly do anything you ask him to do with the best of intentions, and he does his best to help.

He looks at the weather forecast to see when it's a good day to do the laundry, he sorts the garbage for recycling, he researches the supermarkets with the best prices, and does other little things that seem unimportant, but that are truly essential.

He likes vaccuing very dirty places. The satisfaction he gets from seeing the clean path that the vaccum leaves among the dirty is priceless.

But he is clumsy, so you know you can't let him get near the fragile stuff. So the kitchen is a little bit dangerous for him

If he can't help you with something, he makes sure to support you, like a real cheerleader. "Oh yessss honey! You're doing great, wow!That's my baby!!", he says, already massaging your shoulders.

ᨳ☆‧˚Winwin

Winwin sees you getting ready to start cleaning, and he asks you what he can do to help, while wearing your spare cute apron, which makes you smile like a fool.

He follows you and do what you do, ocasionally asking you if the things he is doing are good enough.

He is extra careful when hanging the clothes out on the clothesline, making sure to spread them well to avoid any wrinkles. He knows none of you like ironing, and also you burned yourself once, and he doesn't want this to happen ever again.

He spends a considerable amount of time making your bed, changing the bed linen, tyding up the sheets and smoothing the pillows, so you can feel good in a clean space and relax with him after working hard all day long.

ᨳ☆‧˚Jungwoo

Jungwoo is very good at domestic chores. He is a tidy and organized person, so things go smoothly in your house

He has the ability of turning every boring task into a pleasant and funny experience. Out of sudden you're having a broomstick battle. Out of sudden you're blowing soap bubbles. Out of sudden you're with white flour blots all over your face, after a spontaneous flour smudge battle.

For your surprise, he is excelent on fixing things. His creativity helps him a lot, along with a couple of YouTube videos and a degree on engineering.

Times just flies by his side, and you get surprised when you see the sun going down by your window, as he streches his back and says "we're finally done!", pulling you for a little celebration dance.

Jungwoo doesn't want to cook after doing domestic chores all day long. He orders an amount of food that could feed well ten people, and you eat a lot while watching some nice series.

ᨳ☆‧˚Mark

Mark always tries his best at everything. He knows he is a little bit clumsy, so he does things carefully. Thank God he has spider senses.

A chore that is supposed to be finished in ten minutes takes thirty to be completed, but it's completely fine, because you know it will be perfectly done.

He used to get confused with all the types of cleaning products, but he eventually learned about them all and now he knows anything's purpose just by smeling it. "Mmmm very soft floral smell, must be clothes soap/ Very strong and citric, I guess this is disinfectant" (pls people, don't be like this, it's dangerous for everyone!!!)

At the end of the day, he is so satisfied looking at your team work. You can see it on his little proud smile, while he runs an arm over your shoulders and distractedly kisses your cheek.

ᨳ☆‧˚Haechan

Haechan whines for two minutes before starting doing chores, but he is a man of action after all. "The sooner we start it, the sooner we'll finish it", he says to himself.

You play rock paper scissors to decide who will be the one that will do the unpleasant chores, like cleaning the bathroom and taking the garbage out.

But hearing your heavy sigh after losing for him makes him go "ahh ok, I'll do it, don't worry, but it will cost you twenty kisses!"

He doesn't stop singing while doing the chores. He is like a walking karaoke machine,he knows every song you ask him to sing.

When he cooks for you, you often catch him talking to his mom on the phone, asking her about that dish you liked so much the last time you visited her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

•° Thanks anon, for the request!! I hope you like it!

•° taglist - @soleilsuhh @black-swvn @cupidluvstarrz @kpopsnowball @kaepopsicle @purplepsycho03 @najatheangel @dundun-baby @haifengg @intokook @emuava @reallylikethevibeshere @cafemochi

* If you want to be added to or removed from the taglist, just send me an ask or a message (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

•° Masterlist

...

[dragoncookies]

There are like a zillion more!

Now that We Don't Talk: Such a super Sophitz song from Fitz's perspective. "I miss the old ways, you didn't have to change, but I guess I don't have say now that we don't talk/What do you tell your friends we spent dinners long weekends with? Truth is, I can't pretend its platonic, its just ended/ Remind myself the way you faded 'till I left/I pay the price of what I lost, and what it costs, now that we don't talk/ and the only way back to my dignity was to turn into a shrouded mystery, just like I had been when you were chasing me, guess this is how it has to be, now that we don't talk."

Out of the Woods: Just a good song that relates to the anxiety of being a Vacker and all his relationships being thrust into that spotlight: "Are we in the clear yet? Good/looking at it now, it all seemed so simple/ we were built to fall apart and fall back together/...to move the furniture so we could dance, baby like we stood a chance, to paper airplanes flying, flying/ REMEMBERWHENYOUHITTHEBRAKESTOOSOON?TWENTYSTICTCHESINAHOSPITALROOMWHENYOUSTARTEDCRYINGBABYIDIDTOOWHENTHESUNCAMEUPIWASLOOKINATYOUREMEMBERWHENYOUCOULDN'TTAKETHEHEATIWALKEDOUTISAIDIMSETTINGYOUFREE BUT THE MONSTERS TURNED OUT TO BE JUST TREES!!!!"

The Great War: This is like literally Fitz. "My knuckles were bruised like violets, sucker punching walls, cursed you as I sleep talked/spineless in my tomb of silence, tore your banners down took the battle underground/ maybe it was ego swinging/ you drew up some good faith treaties, I drew curtains closed, drank my poison all alone/ you said I have to trust more freely, but diesel is desire you were playing with fire/ maybe its the past that's talking, screaming from the crypt, telling me to punish you for things you never did, so I justified it/the whole damn bridge of this song cause golly this song is underrated and beautiful and just screams FITZ

The Archer: "they see right through me, they see right through, can you see right through me?/ easy they come, easy they go, I jump from the train, I ride off alone. I never grew up, its getting so old/ dark side, i search for your dark side, but what if I'm all right, right right right here/ I cut off my nose just to spite my face and i hate my reflection for years and years/ All the kings heros and all the kings friends, couldn't put me together again, cause all of my enemies started out friends/ i've been the archer, i've been the prey. Screaming who could ever leave me darling, but who could stay?"

Getaway Car: Alvar :( “x marks the spot where we fell apart, he poisoned the well, every man for himself/we never had a shot gun shot in the dark/don’t pretend it’s such a mystery, think about the place where you first met me/there were sirens in the beat of your heart/ a circus ain’t a love story, and now we’re both sorry/ I was driving the getaway car, I was crying in a getaway car I was dying in a getaway car SAID GOODBYE IN A GETAWAY CAR/ we were jet set Bonnie and Clyde, until I switched to the other side/ us traitors never win” 

Champagne problems: SOPHITZ (mostly from Fitz’s POV) AUURSGGG “bustling crowds or silent sleepers, you’re not sure which is worse/ I dropped your hand while dancing, left you out there standing crestfallen on the landing/ your heart was glass, I dropped it/ your sister splashed out on the bottle, now no one’s celebrating / no crowd of friends applauded, your home town skeptics called it champagne problems/ you had a speech, you’re speechless, love skipped beyond your reaches, and I couldn’t give a reason/ this dorm was once a madhouse, I made a joke, well it’s made for me/ HOW EVERGREEN OUR GROUP OF FRIENDS, don’t think we’ll say that word again/ soon they’ll have the nerve to deck the halls that we once walked through/ ONE FOR THE MONEY, TWO FOR THE SHOW, I NEVER WAS READY SO I WATCHED YOU GO SOMETIMES YOU JUST DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TILL SOMEONES ON THEIR KNEES AND ASKED YOU/ what a shame s[he]’s f***ed in the head, they said, but you’ll find the real thing instead”

Taylor Swift Lyrics that ARE Fitz Vacker

Nothing New: "How long will it be cute, all this crying in my room, when you can't blame it on my youth and roll your eyes with affection/ and my cheeks are growing tired from turning red and faking smiles, am I only biding time until I lose your attention?/ will you still want me, when I'm nothing new?"

Lucky One: "And your lover in the foyer doesn't even know you And your secrets end up splashed on the news front page"/ "And they tell you that you're lucky, but you're so confused, 'Cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used, And all the young things line up to take your place"

Castles Crumbling (This whole song really): "My foes and friends watch my reign end/ I don't know how it could've ended this way/ Smoke billows from my ships in the harbor/ People look at me like I'm a monster/ Now they're screaming at the palace front gates, used to chant my name Now they're screaming that they hate me/ Never wanted you to hate me"

You're Losing me: This is literally Sophitz. I don't make the rules. "I know my pain is such am imposition/ every morning I glared at you with storms in my eyes, how can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dying?/fighting in only your army, front lines don't you ignore me/ I wouldn't marry me either/ Choose something babe, I got nothing to believe, unless you're choosing me/

Tolerate it (from the POV of a kid who looks up to his parents and is constantly trying to be perfect for them): I greet you with a battle hero's welcome, I take your indiscretions all in good fun, I sit and listen, I polish plates until they gleam and glisten, You're so much older and wiser and I/ I wait by the door like I'm just a kid, Use my best colors for your portrait, Lay the table with the fancy shit, And watch you tolerate it, If it's all in my head tell me now, Tell me I've got it wrong somehow, I know my love should be celebrated, But you tolerate it

[mothernerd]

I just finished reading “blood” and holysmokes I LOVED THE FIC SO MUCH🥺🥺 IT HAS BECOME MY COMFORT FIC WHICH I WILL KEEP REVISITING! Where shall I even start my compliments from? The world building was so organic, I never felt lost, there was never a dull moment in your story, dude you had me gripped to my seat the entire time, I have never given a zillion expressions under a minute in my entire life. I was feeling ecstasy, dedication, rage, fervor all at the same time. Only a few people possess the sheer potential to immerse a reader in their fantasy world and it’s safe to say, you’ve mastered that talent. The way you so skilfully described the royal details has me spinning. I always wanted to read a well articulated imperial clan story. This fic is everything i desired- the intensity, the passion and oof the aristocracy 💗I could feel both the tenderness and fortitude radiating off the princess. Dayum the way each character was so fiercely involved with the reader and in restoring the stark house’s stature itself was enough to make fall to my knees and swore my unyielding fidelity to the crown. Their devotion got me high af on my own adrenaline. All of the characters were so cooperative and loving towards the princess (especially our sweethearts- loki, nat & james) it felt like we were all a big family. I genuinely felt like those scenarios - the palpable tension of the unforeseen, doomed future are real, as if they're here, happening in front of my eyes. You’re an amazing author you know? The thing I liked the most about this fic is you tied all the loose ends in the epilogue. No side of the story was unheard, no hero was unsung, you made sure that the readers could discern the depth, the struggle, the weight and importance of all of the characters’s coordination and cooperation. It was a collective effort of each character which brought a fruitful victory. Your writing touched my heart. I wanna applaud you for such a marvellous masterpiece. It was a phenomenal read. Covering minuscule to gigantic accurate details about every kingdom/ classification of various magical ancestries? Wow. I can tell you were immensely emotionally and creatively buried in your craft, only you could put such extreme efforts in plot research. You've impressed me to great lengths. Ok ok I’ll stop singing your praises now cuz lord knows I can go on for decades but you’ll be tired out of your wits haha. Lastly, thank you for producing such a beautiful story. Thank you for letting me read something so intricate, it was my pleasure. I will carry on reading your other upcoming fics as well ! Can’t wait to see what more you have in store my dear! Have a lovely day/night ahead 🥰

What a message to wake up to! 😭😭 thank you so much, I’m literally at a loss for words rn. (I might be crying). This truly means the world to me, and I stg I’m gonna frame this and put it next to my computer to look at whenever I’m feeling sad about writing (which lately I’ve been working on an original sci-fi story that I’ve been struggling to get inspired by and actually *write*, so thank you for that renewed spark).

I’m so glad you liked the story!

Holy smokes. 🥰🥰♥️♥️♥️♥️🥰🥰 thank you!!!!