#there's a sort of joy i get out of just logging my thoughts and feelings into this silly little blog!

[netscapenavigaytor]

list of possible netscapenavigaytor tags:

something kind of insane and only tangentially relevant

talking about fictional character

hopefully genuinely thoughtful insight and commentary to the post at hand

deeply baring my soul for the whole fucking world to see

"this is so fucking swag awesomesauce badass"

[perseephoneee]

sleigh ride [ficmas day 8] [castiel x reader]

↳ masterlist ↳ ship exchange ↳ taglist ↳ ficmas 2024

author's note: this is a day late bc my stomach has been killing me and also i was hella sleep deprived but you know what it's fine totally fine nothing to see here

playlist:

winter wonderland -- pentatonix

coffee -- tori kelly

7 o'clock news/silent night -- phoebe bridgers

You never thought about kids, not in your line of work. 

The reasons people got into hunting were varied. Most of it was personal. For you, you just couldn’t deal with the knowledge of the supernatural world and not bother actually doing something about it. Even though you knew that doing so would likely mean a young death.

This is why you stopped thinking about kids; you’d likely never have them. But being stuck in Leavenworth, WA, with Castiel gave you the same kind of glee. You imagine parents likely got excited to watch their children experience Christmas for the first time. That’s the same joy you felt watching the angel observe all the twinkling lights around you. 

The difference is that Castiel is not your child. And if he was, that’d be gross, considering you are harboring a major crush on him. 

Maybe you should’ve thought of a different analogy. 

You had been hunting with the Winchesters for a bit now. You all ran into each other on a ghost case. Your hula hoop of salt made their jaws drop, and the next thing you know, Sam is inviting you to hunt with them. You didn’t know that Castiel was a regular member of that group. 

Even in his vessel, you could sense something otherworldly about Cas. There was a sort of preternatural stillness, an ancient gleam in his eyes otherwise juxtaposed by his lack of knowledge of human nature. It was so easy to get lost in his curiosity. Sometimes, when he looked at you, you couldn’t help but feel his gaze observing every molecule you were. Like he saw you better than anyone else. 

Right now, you felt like you saw him better than anyone else, the angel so ready to give up everything for humanity. It was late, and snow was falling. You had all decided to take an extra night in Leavenworth after a Krampus case had gone wrong (don’t ask). Also, Baby was struggling to get out of the snow, and Dean was too wired up to ask for help. Fortunately, it was the Christmas season, and Leavenworth knew it. The town looked like the North Pole. You weren’t surprised it was a tourist attraction, not when there were actual reindeer and Bavarian-style buildings. The cup of hot cocoa you had earlier solidified this town as Christmas incarnate. 

“Aren’t you cold?” you asked, watching Cas catch more and more snowflakes on him. He just shook them off. 

“I don’t get cold.”

“Lucky you, I’m freezing,” you shivered, wrapping your coat tighter around yourself. Your nose was ice cold, and your breath came out in puffs. Castiel frowned, walking back over to you. He shucked off his trench coat and put it over your shoulders. You felt your cheeks heat as he made sure you were adequately cocooned. The jacket was surprisingly warm. “Thanks,” you murmured.

“I do not want you catching a cold,” Castiel said. “I am ill-equipped to handle it.”

You laughed. His lips quirked for a second before settling into their normal neutral expression. You would give the world to see him smile. 

“I’m going to go inside and get something to drink. Are you going to stay out here?”

“No, I will join you,” Castiel nodded. He paused for a second. “Is that alright? Dean often tells me people want alone time.”

You melted.

“Of course, it’s alright, c’mon,” you nudged him with your shoulder, still bundled in his jacket. You walked the short distance back to the inn. The idea of mulled wine sounded appealing at this moment. The inside was a picturesque log cabin with a roaring fire. You let out a sigh of relief from the warmth and were able to return Cas' jacket to him. You also were able to remove your hat and scarf. You probably looked like a sweaty mess, but you didn’t care. You chose a seat by the fire and tucked your legs under you as Cas came to sit across. A waitress came over a second later, and you ordered mulled wine for the both of you. 

“I don’t really drink,” Castiel added after the waitress left. 

“You can just tell me what the chemical compounds are,” you shrugged. Castiel looked out of place in his suit and tie. And yet, the light from the fire accenting his bone structure, contrasting the blue in his eyes, was enough to think that this was where he was always meant to be. 

He was frowning at the tree. 

“Why do humans put angels on their trees?” he inquired, brows furrowed. You looked up to see a stereotypical angel planted on top of the Christmas Tree. It had a little horn and everything. 

“I think people like to imagine there’s someone watching over us, that we’re not alone,” you sighed, turning back to him. “Even if it isn’t true.”

“It’s true for some,” Castiel murmured. “I watch over you.”

You felt your heart skip a beat, especially as Castiel looked at you with those intense eyes again. You had to wonder if he was really this clueless, or if he knew exactly the effect he had on you. You watched him lick a sauce off his fingers once, and it was enough to make you excuse yourself from the room. 

The mulled wine arrived a moment later. 

The spices were a perfect blend, and you felt yourself sink deeper into your chair as the alcohol invaded your system. Castiel took a sip and nodded. 

“Mostly ethanol and water,” Castiel sipped it again. You grinned as he listed off the ingredients. He would ruin anyone who wanted to keep a secret ingredient. 

“Last call for sleigh rides!” a man dressed as an elf called out, having come in from the front door. You perked up immediately. You had never been on a sleigh ride before but have always wanted to. You have a soft spot for horses. 

“We should do that,” you jumped up, grabbing Castiel’s sleeve. He spilled the wine, but you were already out the door. You barely had time to throw on your hat and scarf as you were running after the elf man. Castiel, to his credit, kept up with you. 

“One sleigh ride, please!” you said, breathless. The man just looked you up and down and then took your money as you jumped with glee. 

“What is a sleigh ride?” Castiel questioned when he caught up. He was not out of breath. 

“You get to sit in a sleigh and get pulled around by horses.”

“And this is entertainment?”

“It’s serene,” you smiled, getting good luck at the horses pulling your sleigh. They were beautiful Clydesdales, and even in their enormity, you weren’t intimidated. They were beautiful. Cas didn’t ask any further questions as you piled into the sleigh. You took one of the blankets provided and put it over your lap, bundling it up. The sleigh was going to pull you through the town, emphasizing the light installations and ice sculpting competition. The cold kissed your cheeks as the sleigh started moving. 

You both sat in companionable silence as the sleigh ride started. It was so quiet, and you welcomed that peace. When did you ever receive peace such as this?

“I understand now,” Cas nodded. “Why you were excited over this.”

“It’s beautiful,” you whispered. Someone had built an igloo, and you took your phone out to take a picture. Castiel just looked at you.

“I don’t measure beauty the same way humans do.”

“How do you measure beauty?” you inquired. Some part of you was worried that whatever he was going to say would dash your dreams. 

“By someone’s soul.”

That wasn’t the answer you were expecting, and you just blinked in response. It shouldn’t be shocking. You just never expected that maybe he would never see your face, only your soul. You wondered if your soul was beautiful. 

You didn’t say anything as you passed through a light tunnel, the brightness contrasting with the night sky. You could fall asleep out here if you let yourself. 

“What are you thinking?” Cas asked. He noticed your silence. 

“Is my soul…?” you trailed off. You barely had the guts to say anything at all. Castiel’s gaze softened as if he understood. 

“Your soul is like the North Star,” he answered simply. You kept looking at him. “It’s what one needs to follow to get themselves home.”

He was full of surprises tonight. You don’t remember anyone saying anything like that, especially not to you. How absurd was it that the first person to truly see you was not a person at all? Your heart picked up pace. 

“Cas…” you murmured. He never looked away from you, was never shy. It was unnerving and intense. He would never be too scared and proceed to look away. You couldn’t help but look at his lips. He noticed. His hand came up and brushed loose hair away from your beanie, his fingers somehow still warm as they brushed your freezing cheeks. You sucked in a breath. 

“I do not understand human courtship,” he whispered. “I would be interested in you showing me.”

You understood; how could you not? He just called you his home. You closed the distance between you two, going slow until you weren’t slow at all. Your hand cupped the back of his head, pulling him into you. You kissed him like you needed him to kiss you. Fortunately, Castiel was a quick learner. He nipped your lips and kissed your teeth like he had been doing it his whole life. You would sell your soul to kiss him for eternity, just like this. His hand was firm on your hip like he was afraid to touch anywhere else. You wished he would touch you everywhere. 

You had to pull away for air, even if he tried to chase after your lips afterward. 

“You’re a quick study,” you breathed a slight smile on your lips. Castiel grinned a true goofy smile that you had been yearning to see. You were the cause of that style. 

“Anything for you,” he responded. 

He kissed you until the sleigh ride was over, and the worker was rolling his eyes. He kissed you when you made it back to the inn, and you felt like you could feel his wings holding you closer. You would stay with him until you weren’t able to because with him, you were finally home. 

taglist: @thefutureastronaut @lover-of-books-and-tea @qardasngan @evasmlp

[sporeblossom]

logging back onto this website to say that while i dont think (???) it was intentionally done, the scene before their "last day" where frank is working on a portrait of bill, reminded me of keith haring's "unfinished painting"

comparison here before i explain:

keith haring's painting was purposely made to look incomplete. haring was diagnosed with HIV in late 1988, and died in early 1990, at the age of 31. the painting is a self portrait, hitting us with the gut-punch reality of how the aids-epidemic robbed haring of the right to finish his own story. the overwhelming amount of empty space is a glaring reminder that haring didn't just have a short life, he had an incomplete one. the piece points to all that empty space and says: this should have been filled out. this should all have been my art, my story, and my space. by claiming this empty space, haring claimed the empty space of his unlived life, that was taken from him and so many other people, by a negligent and homophobic society that refused to care about the pandemic ravaging an entire community worldwide.

now back to my original point: like i said, im really not sure if this was intentionally done by the show. but when i was watching this episode and i saw this scene, i immediately thought of this painting. the blue color of the eye trailing off onto the blank part of the canvas is, at least to me, a strong visual parallel.

and i feel like this visual parallel highlights some very important thematic parallels as well, which deserve to be talked about. in the show, the outbreak starts in 2003 which means that bill and frank have both lived through the aids-epidemic. they have seen people like them die. they have experienced the hatred and isolation that came with it. you could speculate and read into things ad nauseaum, but i thinks it's safe to say that in this place and time, this also plays into how careful and hesitant they are, when they first start to show intimacy with each other. in their world, they didn't even get to experience the legalization of gay marriage.

seeing as this show takes place during another, fictional, pandemic, airing at a time where the real world has just faced another actual pandemic, it is impossible to ignore this aspect of their story.

these two characters however, are not destroyed by the outbreak in the show. they find each other, they experience freedom, love, and a full life together. their life is not cut short.

in an absurd twist of fate, when the rest of the world is finally forced to experience what it's like to be abandoned by your government during a devastating epidemic, this is when these two people find happiness. they get to go running, and have fights, and grow strawberries, and have friends over for dinner.

and after spending nearly twenty years together, frank spends his last time working not on a self portrait, but on a portrait of bill, the love of his life. this is the sort of thing that rightfully should have filled the empty space of haring's work. finding love(s) spending your time together, that is a life lived.

and yet frank's painting is unfinished, because of course we are never truly done living. we are never truly done loving. but he got so much more time, so much more story, than the people we lost to the aids epidemic, which the trailing off blue paint reminds us of.

at the same time their house is absolute filled with all the paintings that frank did finish, showing us all the good days he got with bill. and in a way, i feel like that is the show being very aware of what it is: a complete, beautiful story about two men loving each other, in a world that sorely lacks these stories. a world where we had so many unfinished, incomplete lives, that we lack an entire generation of older gay men.

and even though i was completely reduced to tears by the end of this episode, the ending still filled me with some sort of mournful joy. because yes, even though it was incredibly sad to see their last day, these two men got to fill so much of their empty space. they got to experience love, and they got to live their life. like bill says: "im old. im satisfied. and you were purpose."

so many people didn't get that. keith haring didn't get that. a whole generation of queer people didn't get that. that makes this episode so much more moving for me, because it is not just an incredibly beautiful love story, but it is an incredibly beautiful love story that the world should rightfully have seen millions more of. but all those lives were incomplete.

so with the undeniable, but unspoken, presence of the aids epidemic in the narrative of these characters, this visual reference to keith haring and aids, purposeful or not, is incredibly meaningful.

[londonadayatatime]

Lost Log, April 2024

It's now December, time really does fly.

It's usually this time of the year I get wistful about the year, mourning yet another year where I feel as though I've done nothing, achieved nothing. As the song goes, "so this is Christmas, and what have you done? Another year older, a new one just begun".

This has been an absolutely horrible year, and my only solace has been in my photography. It's been a form of therapy for me, helping me focus on what's around me rather than be distracted by all the thoughts in my head. It's sort of meditation/a mindfulness practice, since I look around me and try to observe my surroundings to find anything that might catch my eye, big or small. It can be incredibly repetitive, but it also helps me to break out of other repetition, particularly unhealthy thought cycles.

It turns out that my camera has also been my most faithful buddy through my life, being there with me almost always since the day I got it. It's witnessed my entire adult life, through utter joy and indescribable sorrows. It's seen me through lots of abuse, including accidental drops in Porto, tropical storms in Singapore, subzero temperatures in Scotland and Norway. It's seen sandstorms in Bahrain, and even smoke from forest fires that started spontaneous in front of my eyes (one day I'll post the photos on here). It's held up miraculously well despite all that, except that well I probably exceeded the expected shutter lifespan a while ago, and most of its buttons don't actually work. I've actually had the shutter button replaced once more than a decade ago, but now it's starting to fail again. Despite thinking every now and then that perhaps an upgrade would be nice, it hasn't failed me yet, and loyalty always brings me back to it. Sentimentality too. But it won't last forever, which saddens me immensely. I wonder often how I would feel if it died before things get better for me. I hope I'm not jinxing it (reverse jinx!) by saying that would probably be the way 2024 bows out for me.

In the spirit of December, Christmas, and Tumblr, I'm considering setting up a GoFundMe to help me prepare for that eventuality. After all, if scammers can do it and raise good money, why can't I? At least I'm being honest about where the money's going, and I could 100% use the 64x (that's 6 stops for all you nerds) better low-light capability (not to mention the 5 stops in-body image stabilisation).

Let me know in the comments (or drop me a message) if you will support me!

[x-bee-x]

What's this? A fic from me in the DSMP category because there was canon lore? In 2024?

I was watching or getting ready to watch someone else, I had my follower list open at least, and saw Jack was live and there was something about logging onto the server later in his title and wait what. I knew as soon as I updated some friends about said happenings, I muted the Discord channel I sent it in in case people wanted to talk more about it and maybe sent spoilers later, and I was on here very little because I knew even though I'm not 100% in the fandom anymore and certainly not a fan of all the members, I would like to see it for myself. So I watched the vod the next morning and oh my god.

I did not expect to get literal chills the moment he logged on and the first thing we saw was the bench. And I almost cried when we saw Las Nevadas. And I did cry a bit when we saw Tech's house. Regardless of how much I care about the streamers who were part of that as of late, I did at one point, very much so. This was something I did not expect, it was so nostalgic and emotional and actually warmed my heart a bit seeing so many fans come together during and after it happened. This was a really unexpected and lovely way to tie things up, I thought they kind of were already in all areas for me at least, but I think that this was a good way to finally properly say goodbye.

Epilogue

No warnings

1,438 words

Tommy was. Somewhere.

He wakes up he thinks, he opened his eyes at least, running a hand through his blonde curls.

And.

He didn't think he was alone this time. Or well, he wasn't always, Tubbo was there sometimes, but this was a different sort of person feeling.

"H-hello?"

He typed into his communicator for the heck of it.

"Hey."

Jack?

"Wh-where have you fucking been?"

"Casino.

Been here for years mate.

Made loads."

He was.

He was in Las Nevadas?

This whole time. This whole time?

Tommy stood at the top of the hill at the entrance of the faux desert and sure enough.

Someone with one blue and one red eye, a head of buzzed hair with a headset on top, a blue short sleeved hoodie, and camouflage pants stood at the bottom.

"Let me bless you, my boy, it's been too long."

He threw a couple of diamonds at the feet of younger, who probably looked just as puzzled as he felt.

"Jack. Seriously.

What happened?"

"What do you mean? I've just been here. Playing roulette."

This whole time? This whole time.

"Wanna know where I've been?

Come with me."

"Hold on, can't leave on a loss, gotta get that big win."

Jack came out eventually, and they walked out of Las Nevadas and along the Prime Path together, he has somewhere to show him.

"It's good to see you."

"You too, man."

"I've been here."

"Here? Under the bridge?"

"Out in the distance. That way.

I've got a house. It's nice."

"I haven't seen anyone for a loooooong time.

Well, maybe Tubbo, every now and again."

Tommy and Jack walked, or well, Tommy walked, and all the sudden Jack's voice became quieter and quieter somewhere behind rather than beside him.

"Me either, casino's been empty.

Honestly, I just steal money from the safe's to gamble with. I could take it all if I wanted, but the thrill keeps me in there.

Gambler's addiction, they call it. One day I'll win big. 99% of people quit before then.

But not me. I'll make it. It's been years, but, it's coming."

He turned his head to the boy with heterochromia behind him, blonde waves bouncing lightly.

"You're not very good at catching up, are you?"

"Just telling my story, man."

Jack said while he jogged to be once again beside him.

"Never thought I'd be around these parts again. I moved far from here to get away from it.

It brings back too much. Joy, fun, sadness, pain. Too much of all of it.

But it's nice to see a familiar face."

The path they took to get to their destination was familiar, and this time he knew it was safe as well as convenient, no one with a mask he had to worry about being on the other side, or worse yet, chase him.

A bridge of cobblestone among the dark red brick and close to unbearable heat, from one swirling purple transparent gateway surrounded by obsidian to another, and they were spot out onto a soft cold white blanket.

"I don't live around here."

"Oh. I thought that's where we were going?"

"No, god no. Do you know how long it took for me to get back here?

I come here a lot though"

A house, a cabin to be exact, sat the same as them in the nearby distance.

It was cream colored with chestnut colored accents, a matching wooden roof and front door, and a chimney that stood tall and sat bare, no plumes of smoke emitted which once came from it.

"Cool. It's quaint. I like it.

Maybe I'll bye it when I win big!"

Tommy looked to the older boy with two colored eyes beside him, opened his mouth but decided against saying anything, then opened it again to say something after all.

"This is Technoblade's house."

"Oh. Maybe I won't do that then."

"How long do you usually sit here like this?"

"As long as I need to.

Sometimes minutes. Sometimes hours."

There were areas of fences close by on the surrounding property, the occasional bray or bah or grunt echoed through the air, and sat in the otherwise quiet.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure. Hit me."

Tommy fidgeted with the fingers on one hand in his lap as he found the right words and considered them being actually spoken.

"Do you ever.

Like, despite all the war, and the fighting, and all the- well, all the mess- how much it sent me a fucking mess.

Do you ever miss it? Those days? The people? Or, well, the way they were. The way it all was."

Jack looked at him, something like softness in his features.

"Sure. It was all a bit much at times, and I'm not sure I'd wanna do it all again.

But I miss it sometimes. It was fun, really."

"Yeah, I don't think I'd do it all again either. But. I don't know, I've tried to move on. My little cottage far away, my humble paradise. But that trails a lot into my mind."

"I think it trails onto all of our minds sometimes, wherever we all are.

But we all have to move on, find our own destiny sometime."

"Okay. Phew. I'm glad it's not just me."

"Chasing the win keeps me happy.

I like who I am now, probably more than I was. But that doesn't mean he was bad."

"You like being a gambler? Over an incompetent fight loser?"

Jack laughed, soft and genuine, and Tommy fidgeted a bit harder.

"I guess they're not great options are they."

"Sorry, that was a bit harsh, I don't see many people."

"One of them means I might win someday, I was never gonna win back then."

His face held that expression again, soft, almost sad maybe.

"I've still got my one life. One canon life.

And I intend to use it the best way I can."

"What do you mean? How do you wanna use it?."

"You know. I've not got a clue.

But I'll figure that out later.

For now, I've got my cottage, and my new pet! Oh she's adorable. Mareep, she's a little sheep I caught.

But you know, things are okay for me.

Tubbo and his fucking bees I see also every now and then. He's doing pretty well for himself. Selling fucking honey."

"Oh, that's good. I thought he exploded when I blew up everything.

I can't actually die I don't think, so I never know whether these things are bad for everyone else or not."

"I guess being the president of L'Manberg teaches you a few logistical things, aye?

Not that either of us would know anything about that."

"Well."

"Well."

"I haven't seen anyone else besides Tubbo."

"Yeah, you two are hard to separate."

"Tell me about it."

"I think I like it that way for now though.

The quiet life."

"Quiet is nice. This is nice."

"It's good to see an old face though. I know I said it before, but it really is."

Tommy pushed himself up and off the snow beneath them, a couple joints popped, Jack did the same, they stayed standing with the cabin behind them.

"Well, I can't stay for long, I've gotta do things like feed Mareep."

"Yeah, I got some places to see, now that I'm out.

Haven't left there in a while, probably should go check on some things."

"Is there anything else you wanna ask me? I have no questions for you."

Jack looked like he might have something to say, but was going through the roster of words in his mind, carefully considering them.

"Are you happy?

I guess that's really all I'd care to know."

Tommy opened his mouth to respond, closed it, gave a whisper of a smile, ran one of his hands along his pant leg in a partial fidget and a partial way to rid himself of the cold, then opened it again.

"Getting there."

They both nodded gently.

"I'm glad."

"It's good to see you, Jack."

"It's good to see you too, Tommy."

"I hope you get that big win someday.

Oh, and hey. Don't let anyone bye this house."

"I won't."

"I might not see you again. But I hope to lhear about it if you win big."

That's okay. You will. I can deal with just knowing that you're happy."

Tommy held out a hand.

"So long J Money."

Jack shook it.

"Bye Big T."

They both looked to the cabin once more, gave a two finger salute, and went their separate ways along the snowy path.

[roseillith]

Pls don’t hurt yourself. Deleting a blog is one thing but pls don’t hurt yourself. So sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. You put so much joy and beauty into the world via this blog im one of many recipients of that and no matter how you feel you look like externally, i and many others get a chance to see your soul and it’s beautiful, expansive, smart, inspirational and full of humour! As a black person I also sometimes feel alienated and off key when my fam speak ga of twi around me and yet haven’t taught me, sometimes I feel so disconnected from everyone and feel like I’m floating away with nothing to hold me, no anchor to any sort of real meaningful life. Betrayal from friends or from love, broken heartedness, loneliness strike but still there is a lil bit of light, there is the wind blowing on my face, a glass of water, a favourite song, some sun. There are small joys that remind us we are not alone. And You are not alone and I hope that one day soon you receive all the joy light and good energy you put into this harsh world. Pls don’t give up. We love you, keep your head up

tyvm I appreciate your message deeply, I feel a constant push n pull whenever I log on & post on here, the things that I’ve posted recently (including this) has made feel ashamed in that I have spilled out all of my thoughts n feelings out on this public platform, the same place that I’ve been constructing as way to separate my physical& literal self and run towards things that I have stored inside me, all of the stuff the I carry along with me whenever I’m out in public, that I know I can’t share w/ any nigga that I know out there instead I try to avert my eyes from all other dudes out there cuz I know I don’t fit in and feel physically gross when I’m around w/ a bunch of dudes, me failing to be a man in general and avoid man-to-man convos irl and instead retreating those inner stuff into the girl that I want to be, the kind of girl where I know I can apply all the totality of myself out there into the world.

Now I’m just staring at this public persona that I have made of myself feeling increasingly distant day-to-day and I wonder why I put all my all into this blog w/ gifs,pics,anime stuff, film stuff, music stuff etc. when I can’t muster up the courage to talk about all that shit outside out aloud without having to be disgusted from hearing the sound of my voice or/and how the person/s I’m saying it to is even viewing me physically & as a person/“grown up man” having the courage to go out and transition to the girl that I can see in the distance.

The one rule I had when making this blog was to never spill out my personal shit of actually being a man irl who’s found solace and significant more ease in being a woman online cuz I know that if I ever did that it would be embarrassing & the end for me personally, I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye, all the shit that I had posted on here it all being a lie to me, and worse of all I never really took in any support from anyone else here I had this lone wolf-esque mentality where I always try and not get close to anybody I was mutuals w/, never share anything abt my personal shit, always looking through the window seeing other ppl chill with others, and when I look at myself on here I’m feel still as alone as I do irl & tbh much of it is my fault from not being able to put myself out there and feeling disassociated from myself in whatever I do on here and irl

[thedrarrylibrarian]

Several people have been kind enough to let me publish their thoughts on fandom, community, and queerness to celebrate Pride in the Library. Today's piece comes from @tackytigerfic.

Thank you so much to my lovely friend thedrarrylibrarian for opening up this discussion. The thing I would like to talk about today is the way fandom led me to examine my identity and helped me navigate the shift between shame and peace. My journey to acknowledging and exploring my queerness has not always been a joyful one.

I came to the realisation quite late in life. I was in my late 30s before I realised that what I felt about my body was not just a thing that all other people go through. I had lived for my entire lifetime, for as long as I can remember, not just wishing but knowing that my body was meant to be different to how it is. It sounds silly, but it had never occurred to me to question those feelings, or to see myself as queer or trans or non-binary (I'm still not entirely sure how I would term it—I use genderqueer for myself, though nothing feels quite right and I suspect never will). I did spend a year as a child trying to "pass" as a boy (cropping my hair, wearing clothes from the boy's section in the shops, and so on), and as a teen and young adult I was part of a group of queer friends, many of whom were gender non-conforming, so I learned early on that I don't believe that there is any right or wrong way to look like, act like, or be a woman or man. But for some reason, it never occurred to me that the "should have been" feeling was something that I could interrogate, and maybe even do something about. I have moved around a lot throughout my life, and in a way my gender identity feels like that; part of my heart is always somewhere else, and I don't think I'll ever feel entirely at home anywhere.

Before joining fandom, I had never had a candid discussion with anyone about gender identity. I had trans friends who all transitioned medically, but my experience didn't feel like theirs. My body was just something I had to get on with. It was bearable. It didn't feel right, but I was used to feeling not quite right in lots of ways (I was a very emotional child who has grown into a melodramatic adult, what can I say!). It was only through meeting and speaking to all my candid, open, generous trans and non-binary fandom friends that I realised that perhaps my gender identity was something to be addressed. Initially it caused me a lot of grief. I had heard of queer joy and gender euphoria, but my realisation and acknowledgement brought a lot of pain. I felt stupid and ashamed—not of my queerness, not at all! But of the fact that I hadn't realised. I felt like I had cheated myself of my youth. Intellectually I knew that there is no age limit to coming out, but for me it felt like an impossible step to take. I raged at myself. I cried bitter tears at shows like Heartstopper, imagining what my life might have been like had I had that sort of representation as a young person. The first time I changed my pronouns in my tumblr bio, I had to log off and cry. It all felt huge, unmanageable.

Fandom friends got me through. They listened to my sadness, never undermined me, gently guided me through, shared their own experiences so readily and with so much candour and generosity that it gave me hope. Being so immersed in an online space where people's identities are respected and embraced has given me the courage to really look at myself, to know and understand how I feel about my body (and my brain, and my spirit, and whatever else makes a person themself!).

Before I joined fandom, no one had ever asked me my pronouns. Now I have that conversation with people in my offline life too. It's still nerve-wracking for me, but it's getting easier. I have forgiven myself for not understanding myself for so long. I have compassion for my younger self now, instead of anger. And I am very much at peace with my body and identity for the first time in my life, which feels so magical and affirming and, yes, joyous. I got there in the end! That's something to celebrate. And that is thanks to every single one of the people who were there at my side on the journey, the journey that this fandom set me on. And I am very, very glad for that

Thank you, Tacky, for joining me in the Library. I appreciate the reminder that there is no timeline on figuring yourself out, no one way that you have to feel about it. Thank you for joining me for Pride in the Library.

If you want more @tackytigerfic be sure to check out their work on AO3! I reread one of my favorites from them, Silverpoint. I think it's a such an excellent characterization of Harry and Draco, both so in love they can't stand it, and both unable to communicate about it.

🏳️‍🌈 Lots of Love and Happy Pride! 🏳️‍🌈

[safetycar-restart]

okay i don’t know if you’ve seen the new “rate the gram” video williams did but i swear to god if logan had a tail it would have been wagging that entire video.

so i have thoughts. hybrid!au. black cat!oscar, golden retriever!logan.

so oscar is in general sort of grumpy and indifferent to people, except for you and logan of course. but logan loves everybody. especially alex. as soon as he got comfortable at williams, alex was on his list of people that immediately make him excited to see.

and oscar doesn’t dislike alex, but he would prefer to just be left alone with you and logan. just imagine you cuddling with logan and oscar on media day, splitting time between mclaren and williams so you get to see both of your joys equally. then alex comes up and scratches logan behind the ears and tells him they have a video to record and oscar does not like that one bit?? that’s his emotional support puppy thank you very much. why is alex touching him? so he hisses and swats at alex and alex just chuckles and gives him a head pat, not caring that oscar attempts to bite off his fingers.

then just imagine one weekend you get called away for some reason and you have to leave them with alex for a few minutes while you take care of whatever it is. and when you come back, logan is so happy, asleep with his head in alex’s lap and oscar is also cuddled up against alex but glaring at him the entire time.

and if oscar finds out logan is sad, all bets are off. maybe he’s had a bad race weekend or he misses his family, so he’ll lay around in bed and mope. and oscar will not accept that. he will flop his entire body weight on logan and stay there until he feels better. legit smothering his friend until he starts giggling and pushing him away with his tail wagging again instead of being all droopy and sad.

so yeah, that was a ramble. i’m just obsessed with this dynamic all of a sudden and needed to share :)

(also could i be 🐈‍⬛ anon in honor of oscar’s black cat energy)

Oh my god this is perfect. I've been in a massive Logan mood lately as well (lads we need to appreciate Logan more! Logan and lance!), so this is so good and so soft. Perfect for soft and AU night. And of course you can be 🐈‍⬛! I'll add it to the claimed list :))

I think the thing with Logan is that if someone praises him, he will love them for life? The moment he realises Alex will so easily call him pretty and talented? Alex becomes one of his favourite people!! (And yes he absolutely does this because he knows it makes Logan tail wags ridiculously fast and it's adorable).

After a while of this, Logan's tail will start wagging the moment he spots Alex, something which becomes a meme online.

(Which is why it's so sad that so many drivers can't be bothered to try and to get to know Logan because they'd have such a good friend! Sidenote: dog!Logan somehow becoming friends with Lewis? He's truly a little puppy around him and he always lifts lewis's spirit)

Anyway, so Alex is one of Logan's favourite people, but of course you and Oscar have golden status, his favourite people out of his favourite people.

Oscar, however, doesn't care that he is liked even more than Alex, all he cares about is that Alex is liked and therefore can take some of Logan's attention which is absolutely unacceptable. Logan is either completely oblivious to this or just knows Oscar won't cause any real harm because he doesn't even try to act less excited when he spots Alex.

(Though to be fair to Logan, he can't really control his reactions in the first place)

But yeah Oscar is very upset about this. Logan is Oscar's emotional support puppy! Logan must give him cuddles and kisses at all times or else everyone will have to deal with an even grumpier Oscar.

Poor Alex is always getting hissed at, mostly because Oscar is just so possessive of Logan? Of you as well of course, you and Logan are his people!!

It's especially funny because Oscar's love language is kinda just... to lay on top of you and Logan? He'll just decide that he needs to cuddle you or Logan and so he arrives and just plasters himself on top of you, purring lightly and wriggling until he gets pets.

In fact, sometimes people can't even see Oscar? He'll just lay on Logan and snuggle against his chest, so much so that Alex will only see him once he gets closer. That doesn't stop Alex from giving Logan a little headscratch just because he knows how much Logan loves it, but he will have to be ready to dodge because Oscar has a second sense to know when someone else is close and he will hiss and scratch at Alex's hand.

So you're very shocked to discover Logan and Oscar both cuddled up to Alex one day.

Maybe Logan was having a bad day, hence why Oscar was looking for him in the first place, but then Oscar finds Logan asleep on Alex's lap and as much as Oscar wants to hiss, it's clear that Logan needs all the love and attention and he's comfortable enough to fall asleep so Oscar can't disturb him. But he wants to join, because he has to help! He has to help Logan his feel better. So he reluctantly cuddles up to Alex, wrapping his tail around Logan.

Alex, meanwhile, is having the time of his life. He's got two cuddle buddies now! And yes Oscar is also glaring at him but thats fine!

And oh my god the way Oscar comforts Logan? I love it.

He kinda just squashes him and rubs himself all over Logan, making sure that Logan is all his!! Logan can't be upset when Oscar is right on top of him, those are the rules.

Logan, of course, loves it and always ends up smiling and playfully pushing Oscar off him.

That's the time that you join them, because now Logan is soft and pliant and opening up a little more and he's ready to hear what you have to say (while Oscar stays cuddled on top of Logan of course).

[halowritesthings]

i love learning about things a week late through youtube recommendations from random channels i've never seen before

(bad grammar and typos cause i'm shooting my shot as fast as possible so I can get back to Important Adult Stuff(TM))

i suppose i can't really gripe because i'm still largely logged out and wouldn't have heard otherwise so maybe I should take it for what it is

i know i'm a random person who writes as a hobby so I don't necessarily "owe" anything to people online, but y'all have been so sweet to me and I feel it would be unfair to keep dropping off the face of the planet like I have been, plus, I have been stewing over quite a bit of my thoughts these past few months and making a large "get all my thoughts out in a word vomit" post is a good way to A.) sort out my shit and B.) to procrastinate homework

college is BEATING MY ASS and i'm not even at the harder junior/senior year type stuff so even if my writer's block wasn't the worst it's ever been I highly doubt I would be writing anything anyway. i cannot say for certain when I'll be able to get back (it seems the universe is tailored specifically to punch me in the face whenever I have the slightest inclination to do so) but i will say it is always on my mind. i don't ever want to give up writing fully because of how many good things it's brought me but i want to be mature and say that it has taken a backseat in my life.

i still don't regret the things I've created and i will always be thankful for the experiences I've had + the friends I've made (even if we haven't talked in a while :') sorry guys) BUT this situation has just become the nail in the coffin for me in terms of what i want to do with my ds/mp and other adjacent fics. i can't say for certain what I'll go through and orphan/keep or just outright delete (WIPS/unfinished series will probably get deleted is what I've decided so far) so this is a BIG WARNING sign right here and now: if there are any ds/mp fics of mine you are fond of, please go and save them now. even if you think the one you really love is "safe" it's better to be cautious and have it yourself than hope for the best outcome.

now's a good time to mention that i have been feeling similar feelings toward my fl0wer husb4nds fics (gonna come out and be honest: i don't particularly care for sc0tt anymore, sorry) so if you like those you should also search them out. i think a hard majority if not all of them will be orphaned, so they'll still be up, but it never hurts to be able to read something while offline anyway

however, due to the aforementioned Important Adult Stuff(TM), i won't be able to get to the whole Properly deleting/orphaning process for a hot minute. that does not mean you should put off saving my fics because my brain could decide one night that i HAVE to do it IMMEDIATELY, but i can promise that it's not happening tonight (might hold off for at least a week just to give people time to see this post).

TSALP, my pride and joy, is perfectly safe and fine. when i think about whenever ill be able to write again, this series is the First thing to pop up in my mind. i have so many things i want to do with that series (and h3rmitcr4ft as a whole) that make me smile despite all that has happened surrounding mc/yt. someone will need to threaten me with death to make me even consider giving that up. hell, even taking a step back, i can say that i will never fully let go of mc/yt. i straight-up have tickets to go see tommy's america show later this month (send my dad well wishes as he's the one taking me LMAO) .

remember to drink water, take breaks, tell your friends you love them etc. I'm terrible at giving advice since I'm a bonafide mess of a person, but i will say that the best thing you can do for each other is support one another. i've always been a bigger fan of giving support to those who are hurt than trying to go and cause more pain to the people that you can argue "deserve" it. the people you care about are going to be with you much longer than the assholes, so be sure to put more energy into focusing on them than the ones that don't even deserve your scorn.

[pbandjesse]

I felt so much more like myself today. And for most of the day I felt great. I would feel bad every time I ate. But when I wasn't eating it just post eating I felt great.

I slept a lot better. I think that helped. Waking up was not as horrible. I didn't even snooze my alarm!

I would get up and get dressed. I felt alright in my outfit. I knew I was going to be in the mud today but I wanted to feel pretty. Did my makeup and everything.

Everyone else apparently thought I looked great though because I got so many compliments today. James kept telling me how lucky they were to have a pretty wife. It made me feel nice.

I had a really easy drive to work. (I wish I had gotten a picture but there was a baby grand piano on the side of the highway???) And when I got to camp it was just really pretty. I would stop at the eyrie to get my supplies. And then drove to the art building. Where I set up my water color painting project and cleaned out all the trash I had in the doors. I wish we had a little more storage inside of the car and so I bought a net for the ceiling of the car so when that gets here I am hoping it helps me feel more organized.

I would walk down to the office. And was alone for a while. I had my egg sandwich and regretted it. I felt very out of sorts after eating it. But my mood was still really good. Elizabeth and Nick came in. There was discussion about the day. And he went to go set up the tower.

I would head to the lodge with Elizabeth and Sarah so we could set up tables and chairs and we were very efficient and got everything ready.

The group was a little late. We would have to alter the schedule just a bit. But this group was literally a dream. They were so lovely. I am so cool to second graders and they gassed me up hardcore.

At first I think they were unsure of me. But I took my little group to the pond and we went through everything. I was slightly put off by the one chaperone not wanting them to explore without an adult next to them and being very concerned about them getting muddy. I just had to go. This is the nature of the program. They will get dirty. It is okay. I'm sure the parents will complain but also why did you send your child to any field trip in New shoes. That's crazy to me but I don't know their lives. I just want them to have fun and not be afraid of nature.

But once we got into it we had so much fun. The first group found 14 things!! They did so good! And we had a couple extra minutes because Nick's group at the tower needed the time. So I pulled out some of the larva and had them identify it by picture. It was fun.

One little girl, Ashley, got a sticker bush stuck in her hair and in getting it out she got a finger prick. And she was hysterical. Just scream crying. I carefully took her hands (avoiding the cut) and was just very very calm. Her teacher got a first aid kit and while she got that ready I sat Ashley down and had her breathe with me and she calmed down and was just quietly crying. And I validated her upsetness, "that was really scary right? You are being very brave." I told her that I also got a cut last week and I'm only stronger for it. And by the time she has a bandaid she was all good and would be a joy for the rest of the day and also my best friend. Her and her friend Genesis were my shadows and we would look under many many logs. We even found a morel mushroom!! My very first one!

They were not my only shadows. In the second group Nevaeh was all red faced crying. I'm not sure why. But I got her to come look with me and I think she thought it was really cool when I was able to grab two different slippery frogs. This group was very good at finding the frogs. We even dug one up from under the grass. Literally pulled the "sheet" of grass up to grab him. It was so fun.

Lunch was quick. But the second group has helped me bring all my materials back to the eyrie so I was able to enjoy my little half hour. I was very disappointed to find my watermelon didn't taste right. But I enjoyed my little pizza and things were good.

The afternoon was art! I would collect my group and we went up to arts and crafts. Lots of hand holding and hugs. Such a sweet group. And I had them draw in sharpie at least one plant and one creature they really liked seeing today, OR one that they WISHED they had seen. So we had some snake and bear drawings. But also a lot of tadpoles. And then they would watercolor paint. And it went so good. I was very very happy with this project.

The second group would be super sweet as well. Nevaeh would paint a picture of me!! And she gifted it to me so I promised to hang that in the art building. I also had a really lovely conversation with two parents and shared some of our Africa pictures. It was just a really lovely time.

One of the little boys also kept telling me how beautiful I was. My makeup: beautiful. My hair: beautiful. My personality: so cool. These kids were echoing everything he was saying and I was just like. Guysss stoooppp. But it made me feel really nice.

At the end of the program we cleaned up and I packed up their art in bags to give to their teacher. And we walked back to the lodge. Where the little girls wanted to wear my hair clip and look at pictures on my phone. We're disappointed I was not wearing my engagement ring but also it would get so dirty! My wedding rings go through enough as it is. I did show them some of our wedding pictures though and that was fun.

Nevaeh and Ashley and Genesis and a few other girls helped fold chairs as they were leaving. It was so sweet. I loved this group. Absolutely would have again. I hope my future child is as sweet as them.

Nick and me would finish folding the chairs. And I would go clean the bathrooms. And once that was done I went to the art building to put things away. And then to the office. Where I very badly answered some emails (with incorrect information because I wasn't thinking about alcohol when someone asked if they could bring outside drinks to the music festival. I assumed water bottles??). And I offered to go pick up our total wine order.

This ended up taking more then an hour which I did not expect. Traffic was bad. And then when I got there they couldn't find our order. But the man was nice and looked really hard and would find both orders and everything would be fine. I enjoyed just sitting in the car for a bit. I wasn't in a rush.

When I got home James helped me out and brought everything inside. I was worried about them getting taken from our car? Can't risk it.

James made me a salad for dinner and it was great. I would change into my comfy clothes and painted my toes and ate my salad and eventually I went downstairs to play the new video game James got me.

Little kitty big city! It's very fun so far but video with walking games still make me nauseous. But I would play for a couple hours. James would join me and made pizza and I shouldn't have eaten it because I have felt bad since. Maybe it's a bread issue? I will try to have less bread tomorrow.

I just got a shower and James is dozing on bed while I'm sitting on the floor. I am tired. But I am feeling good. My stomach didn't hurt at all today (I mean it did but not in the way it has been. No crazy scary cramping). And I am feeling really good emotionally. I hope to keep these good vibes going.

I hope you all sleep good tonight and have fun tomorrow. Goodnight everyone!

[driftward]

Aurora Laboratory Log, Preliminary Subject: Rift Void Transference Setup: Nullstone used to initialize zero energy state. Gloriole Containment Assembly set to establish Demi-Ozma-class aether field. Aetheric Nuolith Array Assembly aligned to create and maintain negative energy field. Experiment: Set containment diameter and aperture of negative energy field to size sufficient to admit one person of Roegadyn size or smaller Researcher: Z. Vauban, also subject. Eos-Class Fairy Lavender assisting Notes: This is for initial setup. Copy to create formal final log in the morning.

~*~

Y’shtola stood up on the very tips of her toes, and Zoissette crouched down slightly so that she could reach up and give Zoissette a chaste kiss on her cheek.

“I cannot possibly thank you enough,” said Y’shtola, grasping Zoissette’s hand in her own as she looked up into her eyes, her voice all dark velvet and warmth. Zoissette could feel the fondness in it, feel it well up around her, feel it hug her.

She could only nod in response as she straightened back up. Y’shtola smiled at her, her grey eyes wet, as she let go, and turned away from Zoissette, walking away, shadows following after her. Zoissette had to cover her eyes to avoid being blinded by the brilliant white light into which Y’shtola walked, her form becoming silhouetted as she moved away. Until there was just two dark shapes against the brightness, Y’shtola reaching her hand out, and the other form taking it. The two embraced, and then they walked into the light together as one.

At last. Zoissette felt joy at seeing Y’shtola reunited with Runar, and the cold stark relief of loneliness washed over and through her.

Another voice called out her name, but she did not want to turn away, not yet. She wanted to see them well and truly off, to know they would be together, to know that they would take care of one another, to be certain she was no longer needed.

She heard her name being called again, and she woke up with a start.

Zoissette sat up quickly. She could feel the faint trickle of adrenaline in her veins, the tightness of readiness in her forearms. She quickly looked around to get her bearings.

She was in the Gage acquisitions workshop. Meya was standing nearby. Meya was smiling at her. Meya had a wrinkle between and above her eyebrows. Meya’s ears were slightly flat.

“Zoissette, are you okay?”

The adrenaline began to bleed off almost as fast as it had hit. A soldier was quick to battle in the case of alarm, but Zoissette was not a field soldier anymore. She was just a tired scientist right this second, with a concerned woman looking in on her. She reached up and adjusted her glasses, at the same time letting her finger feather the rim in just the right spot. An enchantment flared to life, showing her the time.

“I am okay, Meya,” she said, shaking her shoulders a bit to try to shake off the last of her waking tension. She frowned over at the Miqo’te. “Why are you in the workshop at 12:13 at night?”

“I was on my way to get Erick. We meant to go watch the starshower that’s supposed to happen tonight, but I saw that the light was on in here and wondered who was awake at this hour.”

“Not me,” said Zoissette with faux cheerfulness, and Meya laughed.

“Well, perhaps we should get you to bed, then! Since you know how late it is. How do you always know exactly what time it is, anyroad?”

“Spectacles enchantment,” said Zoissette, giving the rims another tap to toggle said enchantment back off.

“Oh, okay! You know, I just sort of thought that maybe you needed better fitting glasses, the way you fidget with them all the time. Can I see?”

Zoissette frowned lightly, but tapped the rim a few times, took them off, and held them out to Meya. “Most of the enchantments are attuned to me and will not work for you, but here. That one should work.”

Meya took the glasses and put them on, and stared out. Zoissette stifled a yawn and leaned heavily on the counter as she watched Meya’s golden eyes flit back and forth just before her pupils widened.

“Oh, wow. I’ve known of such things of course, but never tried using them myself. I didn’t know you could store drawings in these things.”

“If you tap here - there you go - and here - yes, just like that - you can go back and forth between different images.”

“Huh! And you’ve had that this entire time.”

Zoissette smiled faintly. “Since childhood, actually.”

“Wow, this is really neat. Oh, I think I can tell which ones you drew when your were little. You’ve kept them since then?”

Zoissette shrugged. “I have some memories in there.”

Meya took the glasses off, and held them out for Zoissette to take back. “That is much neater than I thought it would be. I never looked into that sort of thing. Do you think you could do that with my glasses?”

Zoissette fiddled with her glasses as she thought about it. “…maybe. You and I practice very different schools of magic in different ways. But I do have some conversion guides. Let me think… yes. Yes, I think with some effort, I could maybe get it to work. I would need your help along the way, though.”

Meya smiled at her as she put her own glasses back on, clasping her hands behind her back, and Zoissette could not help but smile back. Meya tilted her head, looking thoughtful, and then leaned closer to Zoissette.

“I like it when you’re like this,” she said.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know actually. Relaxed, maybe? I think that’s it.”

Zoissette looked over at Meya, and was suddenly aware of just how close she was, and how nice she was being, and she felt her heart rate surge, and she could feel her face, and she was just so very aware of her face, and Meya’s expression dropped.

“Oh! I’m so sorry! I ruined it!”

Zoissette could feel her lips twitch as she almost went for the big smile she liked to use to try to reassure people. Instead she reached up to rub her jaw, hiding her face behind the motion for a moment, and took a few deep breaths to try to calm down.

“No, no, it’s okay - it is okay. It is not you. It is … me. Sorry. It is late, and I am tired.”

Meya’s expression turned sympathetic, eyebrows turning up on the inside, and she backed off a bit to give Zoissette some space. “And here I am, keeping you up. Sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Is there anything I can do to help? I could get you some water, I’m sure we have some snacks…”

Zoissette shook her head as she stood up. “No, it is … quite alright, but thank you. I, uhm, I appreciate you checking in on me, but if Erick is waiting on you…”

Meya nodded. “Well, if you’re certain,” she said. “We can talk more tomorrow.”

She turned to leave, and Zoissette held a hand over her heart, and took several more deep, slow breaths.

“Meya, wait.”

Meya stopped at the door, and turned to look at Zoissette quizzically. Zoissette dug around in her pockets, looking for one notebook in particular, and upon finding it, flipped through it quickly.

“…where were you two going to go watch the starshower?”

“Oh! It’s in Thanalan. It’s supposed to start in about another bell, I think?”

Zoissette frowned at her notes, and nodded. “…that is when it will start, but that will just be one star every several minutes. It will peak about two hours in…” Zoissette frowned, and walked over to one of the workshop astrolabes, and fiddled with it for a moment. She did some quick math and nodded.

“Do you have your map on you? Can I see it?”

Meya nodded, and came back over, pulling out a map and unfolding it. Zoissette tapped a finger to her lips as she looked it over, then pointed.

“There. If you can make it to there at about two, two thirty. Peak starshower time. Low light pollution. And you will be in the middle of a large plains area, so few of the surrounding peaks will block your view.” Zoissette paged through her notebook some more. “…and there is a gate that will be ascendant tonight, if you know what star pattern to look for, and are willing to stay up a little later. Oh! It is the…”

Zoissette trailed off, thinking of prior times she had gone stargazing with someone.

“…well, never mind. If you run out of things to talk about, maybe - maybe just enjoy the moment.”

Meya nodded, making a few marks on her map and putting it away. “Thank you, Zoissette! I do like listening to you when you get excited and start explaining things, though.”

Her heart rate was coming back up again, and the room was entirely too warm, and she was not awake enough to deal with her own nonsense.

“Maybe not when Erick is waiting for you,” said Zoissette, as gently as she could manage.

“He’ll be okay. I was stopping by early anyroad, it’ll be alright. Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

Zoissette just nodded.

“Alright! But you should go to bed, okay?”

���Okay. I will. Good night, Meya.”

“Good night!”

Meya gave her one last big smile, and then was on her way, her hips swaying just so and her tail sweeping to and fro excitedly.

Zoissette watched her go, and once she was gone, stood up and shook out her limbs.

“Why are you like this,” she muttered to herself.

She gathered her things, shut down the lab, and went to go sleep somewhere rather more comfortable than a lab workbench.

Maybe she would go without dreams this time.

(special thanks to @healerstail for making the images!)

[mousyjay]

About Me/Why Did I Make This Account

I started playing otome games when I was fairly young (around 13 years old). This was one of my biggest hobbies and obsessions for almost four years of my life.

All of my birthday and Christmas money went towards these games, but they were also a sort of secret that I only told those closest to me about. Looking back I don’t understand why I was so scared to tell people I like otome games, even though I told just about anyone about my love for anime, manga, vocaloid, books, and fan fiction. Maybe it’s because I was worried my parents would find out and be horrified, but I really don’t think any of them were too bad.

In my peak of playing as a teen I had spent well over $400 on mobile otome games, although I mainly tried to find free ones since I was young and broke. I play just about every free otome game I could get my hands on from 2013 to late 2017. My favorites were ones from Voltage Inc., I loved them so much that I spent majority of that $400 on these games. I also ruined my already pretty pathetic sleep schedule in high school to play Mystic Messenger for about a year straight.

However, around that time I slowly stopped playing. It wasn’t because my love of the games and these stories faded, but rather I finally got a irl boyfriend to obsess over in real time, so I naturally just played less and less. Because of this I missed the memo Voltage was deleting all their individual apps to instead have one mega app (Love 365). So when I tried logging in to show my boyfriend my “hidden hobby” only to find my $400 worth of games gone forever because I was just shy of the deadline, it broke me and I gave up on them for a long time.

This brings me to the present, I’m 22 about to be 23 in a month or so, and that first boyfriend is now my husband. I’m happy, but I really started to miss the otome games of my youth. They brought me so much joy and comfort in my darkest and most awkward years. It was sad to think I hadn’t played these games I loved so much in years, and I just wanted to relive the games that got me through so much. It’s so comforting and nostalgic. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a story and some romance. If I can watch romance anime and read romance novels, why can’t I play these games again? Especially since I’m actually the age of the target demographic now!

So I picked it up and started slowly getting back all the games I had lost. I started playing again and it felt amazing, it was like running into an old friend who you’ve missed for years, but could never seem to reach out to.

With all that said, I really wanted a place to share my thoughts as I revisit these games I used to love, as well as for ones I’ve never played. I’m so excited and just wanted a place to share. If you are interested feel free to follow, otherwise I’ll just post here to the void.

[throatpunchqueen]

Venting about my job again

Maybe I wasn’t cut out to work here in the first place - maybe I used it as an excuse to deal with some work shit and just hop into another fire.   It seems i can’t do hard anymore - at least at work.   Once it gets too challenging i say I’m done!   Not sure I’m a wimp but i’m starting to think so.    I only have so much time and so much energy and i’m wasting it on work.   but is that necessarily so - i do got out a lot but i’m always smoking to bring back my old person.    i feel like i’ve lost myself in the last few years...i wish i knew then what i knew now.    i had it so good.   i’m too reminiscent of what life was then but rather i should be focusing on how amazing my present is.   ti think the reason i’m not doing that is i don’t think it’s amazing. - i do amazing thing but i find no joy from them.   i get this sort high from it but it doesn’t last.... vacation high lasts hours not days anymore.      maybe i’m too numb - maybe i’m just done with all the bullshit.    i don’t feel like i have my person yet - patty is the closest and even the conglomration of the girls doesn co ver it.   i miss sam.   he was my person - in the height of our friendship i could tell him anything 

have i really gotten to the get off my lawn mooment... damn last night i almost hit someone.   i was such a bitch and iw as okay with that.   fucking say excuse me you self entitled bitch.  common courtesy... really can’t stand general admission anymore.   it’s h append... i’m gonna start hating going to shows. 

i keep trying to open up and then i feel vulnerable and afraid someone is going to hurt me again.   my BEST  friend destroyed me... i’m seriously considering taking all my photos where ellie is in them and cutting herout of them.   i fucking hat eher.   that was uspposed to be sam and i.   she fucking ruined my lfe.   she took my best friend.   sam needs  a back bone and it hurts me so much that he doesn’t treasure our friendship like i do.  i’m trying to show 

While     Asshat company I work for should done more validation it was outlined in the SOW and the     conversion plan that useless company was responsible for production validation

We are     doing their job and they will not be able to support the system when they     leave

They     work their 8 hours and leave…. Why are we being punished because they don’t     do their job

Dani’s     team has no accountability for their actions – in the end it is always our     fault

Cal     is a condescending asshole

We     do all the research for them and then they come back to us with basic     questions

Hand     holding and doing their job is what we are doing

Validation     is difficult when you are doing their job

I should     have left production validation on the issues log

dumb blonde   needs to be more assertive with original douche bag  – she threw us under the bus

A lack     of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part

While     I am partially responsible there is not way I could have been the app     architect when I was running the comp workstream with the most difficult     channel

Rolling     off smart DI  at the end of the year expecting me to be able to answer all the     questions

No thought     for our time, our commitments outside this job… just because it’s your     life doesn’t mean it has to be mine

Destroying     my sense of self… have never felt more inadequate or useless or u unhappy

Need     a job that will encourage me, not coddle me but HELP me to grow.. not this     bullshit roll over for the client but don’t make them accountable

freak child     did one thing… status reporting.   

Help     me to understand exactly what you expect out of a delivery lead – because     if it’s all the shit I did in the beginning of this project there is no     way anyone can do that and not crash and burn.   And if they can, go head…but strive to     make us better, not exhausted beyond relied

I feel     guilty for taking PTO.   I have the     time but only take if I am going to be away  - I’ve not taken time to just staycation     because that will never fit into the project.   The fact that I feel guilty EVERY time I     take a day off is ludicrous.   I do     have a knack for scheduling vacations at critical point in the project –     believe me, I wish that were different.       But I work this fucking job so I can travel—- it’s a means to an     end, not something I enjoy in the least.       I work with a bunch of narcissistic assholes who think Accenture is     the end all, be all.   You have no     respect for the people you work with and that work for you.   I believe that rescue dude e is probably     the only person I have worked with that acknowledges the ridiculousness of     this account.   I want them to fail….    

I will     NEVER get promoted and frankly the way you treat your SM’s I don’t want to.   Less respect for their time and far     more responsibility.  And notice who     did NOT get promoted this year – Worthy woman .       She should have been promoted and instead we propagate this boys     club bullshit that is our practice.      

People     have emotions – acknowledge that.   Mental     illness is real and this job has made mine a fucking train wreck.    

I     don’t think I’ve got what it takes to do this job… I’m not strong enough, I’m     not smart enough and I’m certainly not clever enough.    I’m never going to be good enough to succeed     at Asshole company company I work for  and I have to learn to accept that.   I need to get out of this cycle of self     hatred and that needs to start inside of me.   Although the best thing I can do right     now is find a new job that doesn’t mean I will be happy.   I need to work on all the issues…. It’s     not weight but healthiness

Don’t’     get me started on useless MD  That dude     is an MD at the account level and is the most kiss ass, dim witted fool I’ve     met at the firm.   He has no damn     clue what he is doing and he’s just there to appease the client.    

[banjjakz]

I keep on forgetting to tell you about my Visceral reaction to the last chapters of the serial bereavements ! I was the anon who'd found Shoko suspicious right from the start then did a little victory dance when that was confirmed lol. I'm also having lots of Final Girl thoughts rn (I've used my brain so hard this afternoon while reading the last updates) but I'll get to them in another ask !

Would you believe me if I told you that I was about to get in the shower when I got the notification for the third chapter of the serial bereavements? Real bad bitch shit is when you're wrapped in your towel, phone out, having logged into Ao3 and staring abismally at the screen while covering your mouth in horror as you read chapter 3 ! Grabbed my face in my hands in apprehension, gasped a ridiculous amount of times (especially during that one memorable Nanami sequence...) sweating cold, heart racing. All the good stuff. Istg my heart stopped beating during Yuuta's appearance. Pictured it vividly in my mind, "katana tearing through muscle" SFX included, and got chills all over my body 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 that scene was NERVE RACKING I fucking loved it !!! reader calling for yuuta to come save her repeatedly was brilliant storytelling wise (?) I mean it as in, sure I expected him to arrive and pull some off-putting illegal immoral move (tucks hair behind ear) eventually but the tension n the scene build up were so marvellously done that I sort of forgot abt it at the moment! Could really feel readers despair and began doubting that he'd really appear... And maybe this is just me but the way Nanami was written during his final moments made Yuuta come over as a saint and a saviour LOL ! Oh poor desperate Nanami.... the grabbing, crawling up the stairs while injured, his otherwise calm demeanor during sessions suddenly replaced by his wide eyed horrorized stare and fear-driven behaviour... as opposed to yuuta !!! who's so calmly stabs him and comforts reader. It's incredible! Oh and I also completely loved reader being just as mental as Yuuta at the end lol. Thank you for writing The Serial Bereavements !!! frightened me to no end and might just be one of my fav yuuta fics so far!!!

UEUEUEUEUEUEUEUE I SQUEALED FOR JOY WHEN I SAW THIS IN MY INBOX AHHHHHH HIIII

wow!!! that my writing left such an impression on you is quite humbling. and flattering! i remember getting your ask right when i first started posting chapters for serial bereavement and i was like ohhhhh fuckkk noooooo someone's already figured it out LOL but i hope i was at least able to sufficiently surprise you/engage you in just how things came to shake out the way that they did ^_^

and thank you for your kind words on the nanami sequence! i struggled quite a bit trying to write it, actually. action and fight scenes are not my forte, but i'm trying to hone that ability a bit more -- you know, being a horror/suspense/thriller author, and all. glad to know it turned out alright!

hehe and much thanks for noticing the intentional foiling between nanami & yuuta during the fight scene. i wonder if people were convinced that all of those crazed ramblings about reader that were found in his study were truly authentic... or was it the result of more meddling... and if so... by who? ehehehe

as for reader's abnormality, i am personally a fan of enthusiastically consensual noncon. a willing reader, to me, makes for much more of an interesting narrative. so much to do there. so much to explore. a lot of fleshing out!

yay for frightening you! that's always the goal!!!! thank you so so so so so incredibly much not only for reading, but for continuing to vocalize (errrr... write out?) your enthusiastic support. it's notes like these that spur me on to keep writing, one day with the hope & dream of publishing a piece of public-facing fiction.

wishing you all the best!

[starlit-mansion]

I'm not fully sure how to articulate this but part of my ongoing consternation about the state of fandom is that everything becomes a filmy slime of personal projection and memes and half-formed thoughts when it's all just loose on social media, which is fine for incredibly consumable product-ass products but becomes very bizarre with complex texts with meaningful themes

like sometimes it does feel like an emperor's no clothes situation, of like "why are we only drawing these guy's dicks instead of appreciating the whole story?" but also this is a really specific hobby with a lot of social conventions and any given person you talk to is usually pretty happy to expound on the meaningful parts of the text and is just having fun making memes and ship art because for them, there's just not that much left unsaid about the quality of the text

like in many ways, i'm glad that my actual first experience with the book dracula was just straight up listening to an unironic free podcasted audiobook a few years before it became memetic, because there's something about making it an activity that changes the state of matter of the entire story, starts to break it down and dissolve the intention

when I was very young, i only engaged with fanfic that was set out into the world as a complete thought (even if the fic itself wasn't complete, there was a sort of inherent concreteness of presenting a piece of art with something to say), but i don't even really like fanfic and the endless distending and warping of text that much anymore. not a lot would be added to my life from hanging around ao3 instead of here, because I would only start to articulate more of the things that make me angry.

this is all a personal problem. i'm like... constantly clenching my teeth about the fact that there's no news event or disaster that won't become a meme, but also. i'm on the meme website. I should probably just leave. but also. i've taken so many sanity breaks from tumblr over the last year. at one point, i changed my password to autogenerated gibberish and didn't save it so that i couldn't log in anymore, and i would be forced to sit with myself for the time it would take to reset it and remind myself that i was getting so angry and scared every single day and for WHAT

it didn't really work

because without it, now that i'm working from home and don't talk to people much and don't have an irl social circle due to not being very social on my own and moving across the entire fucking country in first year of the pandemic to spend a year and a half exclusively sitting inside a different set of rooms, not having the casual interpersonal connection of mentally hanging out in a shared space is also very bad for my brain, and leads to a lot of bitter rumination once the novelty of breaking yourself of the phone loop and reading a book in a non-public way wears off. we all know this. we've all experienced it on some level or another due to the collective experience of the last 3+ years.

not sure how to wrap this up in a non bleak way and go back to my regular scheduled posting and avoiding too many spoilers about a movie trailer that i WANT to watch and CAN'T MAKE MYSELF DO IT because of MY ABBY NORMAL BRAIN. generally i do enjoy the stuff i engage with and try to keep my haterade guzzling to occasional dabbling in criticizing things i don't like.

this is how my depression way goes though. i don't necessarily spend all day hating and despising myself and ruminating on how all my actions are simultaneously valueless and harmful to others. The endless slog through a lukewarm knee-deep ocean of salt water is that my ability to sincerely and happily engage with things diminishes, anhedonia sets in, caring about things starts to feel like inflammation. the light hurts, because it brings too much with it. i want to take the edge off of things, and joy is an edge too.

it's not that i don't understand the sanding away of nuance, it just reminds me of my worst self, angry and overwhelmed, more interested in chewing on bones than eating.

[notebookmusical]

My sister and I set a goal for ourselves this year to read more physical books so whenever we go on a little trip to town we buy some and it's been working well so far. I feel so guilty though when I spent money on books I didn't enjoy and I don't know how to turn that feeling off. And then today I bought a book and it turns out it's that author who didn't read the odyssey before writing a "retelling" and now I feel awful but I don't want to not read a book I spent money on (because money is tight again) but I don't want to read it when I have all these negative feelings attached to it and I hope I can put them aside and still enjoy reading it, I'm trying not to go on goodreads and read reviews before I read a book because I'm easily influenced but in this case I feel like the reviews are entirely justified and I'm just so eurgh about having spent money on this and -> <-

hello sweet friend! 🤍 i love that you and your sister are trying to read more physical books this year, and that it's going well! i'd love to hear about what your favorites have been so far 🧸

i think feeling guilty/feeling disappointed for spending money on something that you didn't enjoy is totally normal; it's this feeling of "oh, i could've spent it on [x,y, or z] instead". and i think that can also apply to other factors too, not just monetary — "i could've spent my time on better things", "i could've done this other thing instead". we're not always able to predict if something will bring us enjoyment/joy of some sort, but i think we get closer to learning more about ourselves. for me, at least, every time i read a book that i don't like, i get a step closer to figuring out what kind of books i do like. i've gotten a lot better about knowing my own taste in books (and other things), and have gotten smarter about the books i purchase, ARCs i request, etc. as a result of that.

books (like all art) are really subjective, and what works for one person might not work for another, so i try to pass books that don't work for me to someone who will enjoy them. my best friend and i have wildly opposite tastes, and a lot of the time she'll end up with a new favorite, which is great! i also try to unhaul books regularly; whether that's through donating them, going free little library hopping, or trying to sell them at my local bookstore (they buy used books)/online on facebook/via other methods. i'm not sure if any of those are options for you! i'm not sure if you have access to a library near you, or if the library near you has a good selection, but the library is also a great way to get a hold of more physical books!

with the author who didn't read the odyssey retelling, i personally haven't read it or looked into their book too much, because i've been too overwhelmed by ARCs/have been slumping hardcore lately, but i took a (very) quick skim through the goodreads reviews — it looks like there are a lot of people giving it a 1 star without reading it, there are some people who genuinely didn't love it, and there are people who loved it, which could be said for any book, really! i'm also pretty easily influenced and have to make an active effort try not to take too much stock in reviews though — just because people can rate things for different reasons; what works for one person doesn't work for another, etc. most of the time, i try not to log a book on goodreads until i'm past the first 50 pages, just so that i'm 1) already semi-invested in the book & 2) i've already started forming my own opinion on it (i can normally predict by the 50 page mark how i'll feel about a book) & 3) not tempted to go through goodreads reviews. if you ever see me looking at reviews while i'm in the middle of a book, it's usually because i'm trying to figure out if my feelings/thoughts are justified, and if it's worth continuing (or if i should just DNF it). it's also okay to not read a book immediately — maybe you could put a pin on it for a while until you feel like you're able to enjoy it, if you think that's possible at all?

it's always 🥴 (a really shitty feeling, for lack of a better word) to have spent money on something and to not enjoy it, or to later find out something about it that makes you 😵‍💫. i hope your next pick is a good one, and i hope you're loving whatever you're currently reading! 💌