#there's a mentally ill teenager who has to share a house with her abuser now! This is awful!

[wordswithkittywitch]

Planning writing:

Hoo hee hoo, bad things are happening to my characters!

Actually writing:

Oh no, bad things are happening to my characters!

[ashcadence]

This kind of thinking is very messed up in general. Legitimately one of my best friends is a woman in her late 30's, I'm in my 20's, and she befriended me when I was 14. I would go to her house and we would watch movies. There was nothing weird about it. She was one of the few adults very mentally ill teenage me felt safe around and she never abused that trust.

Even to this day, although we're both adults, she offers me a safe space. She's one of the only irl people who knows I'm asexual, that I struggle with mental health issues to this day, and her house is always open for me to crash at.

And now that we're both adults it goes both ways. She opens up to me about struggles with her marriage or step children, struggles at her work, or even when she herself is in a bad mental state. But she never did that when I was a kid and asked me as an adult if it was okay for her to share such things.

As an adult myself I hang out with my ten year old cousin quite often. She has a rough home life and deals with bullying at school. I like to offer her that safe space to be herself that was offered to me as a child. Plus we have a lot in common.

So it is entirely possible for adults and children to have friendships. I would say it's important for children to have adult friends who they feel safe around, and it's the adult's responsibility not to abuse that trust.

Now online is different for me as I come here to be an adult. My blog is not meant to be child friendly. It's meant to be a place I can express myself, and that isn't always child friendly.

i think some of you guys are insane 👍 it's actually possible for a 16 year old to be online friends with someone in their 20s. source: teenagers are actually people who can talk to other people about shared interests.

[haleyincarnate]

As May is Mental Health Awareness month, I have collaborated with @MyNumberStory to spread awareness regarding ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and childhood adversity! I am honored to share a bit of my own experience growing up in a pressured environment, and how I found art as a means of healing.  

*Trigger Warning: self-harm, divorce, emotional abuse, mental illness*

Prior to the hardships I will address, my childhood was a golden thing. I grew up next door to my cousins who served as my sisters, as I was an only child. I did well in school, was immensely social and outgoing, spent summers vacationing in the Outer Banks of North Carolina with my family religiously every August. My father and uncle coached my cousins’ and I’s softball team. Our house settled on a quaint, country 2.5 acres of land at the edge of a quiet Virginia county was a hub for love. My parents were high school sweethearts. As a young girl, I oozed with promise.  

When I turned thirteen, life was altered. My father found a new hand to hold behind my mother’s back. My mother turned to excessive drinking to cope. I turned loner. I recall nestling myself in the corner of my bedroom many nights, drowning out the monumental arguments through headphones blaring. Slamming doors. Plates being thrown in the kitchen. I recall so many evenings spent silently crying myself to sleep, desperately wondering where my loving household had gone.  

My father moved out. I was thrown into therapy to learn how to navigate my feelings regarding my parents' divorce, and in turn, discovered underlying mental health struggles already present. I was diagnosed at fourteen with major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and social anxiety. I tried many medications; Prozac, Paxil, Lexapro, and eventually Effexor XR (which I still take to this day). However, throughout my high school years, I found tooth and nail with my disorders, having not found a working medication until after I graduated. My grades were affected heavily, as I did not have the motivation to excel. I felt pressured regardless due to my cousins’ being in the top 10 of their class, which sadly, only left me feeling more defeated rather than being a motivator.

I visited my father every other weekend, and in turn, his new wife. When I was fifteen, they married. I cannot begin to describe the heart-wrenching effect she had on my mom and I, let alone our entire family. Without bringing up too many traumatic memories, many days and nights alike were spent conversing with police. She projected paranoid delusions on to those close around her, my father and I the main subjects. Around this time, I truly dove into struggling with self-harm. (Thankfully, I am currently three years self-harm free, and my father has escaped that toxic relationship and we both have mostly healed from what damage was caused by her.)

As my journey continued into teenage years, I served as an outlet for my mother to project her pain onto. I was struggling, she was struggling. We would bark back and forth about our turmoil to one another, harming our bond more than we realized. It was at this time I would stay closed in my room, finding comfort in creating collages, handwritten quote art, and poetry. The effect art therapy had on my growth, healing, and mental state was astronomical. It has now been over ten years since I first began that journey and strongly continue striding down that path.  

Though my story has not been fully disclosed in this text, I feel many can find my story to be particularly relatable to those currently or had dealt with divorcing parents and learning to understand one’s own neurodivergence. You are not, and never have been, alone.  

My number is a 3. Take the test to discover yours at NumberStory.org

Please follow ＠MyNumberStory and check out NumberStory.org to learn more about childhood adversity and the long-term effects of toxic stress on mental health, physical health and more.

(About the artwork: in this collage piece, I used a photograph of an abandoned sanitorium as the background, showcasing how it felt to be trapped inside of my new diagnoses of major depression and anxiety disorders as a child. The ghosts in the center represent the many personalities I felt I needed to exhibit to be accepted/understood by those around me. The ghostly woman with horns serves as a core element of my trauma; the rage, the unknown, the overwhelming emotions of comprehending my abnormal way of growing up. Lastly, the flowers in the foreground represent how on the surface things can be beautiful and healthy, the colors brightly hiding the rot beneath. The quote itself reflects that despite the emotion, working through what you are feeling is a step in the right direction towards overall healing.)

[irondadbigbang]

IronDad Big Bang 2019 Masterlist

Masterlist below the cut! Or read on AO3.

Baby Bird by WhimsicalEthnographies @whimsicalethnographies

Peter stares at the envelope, sitting in the middle of his work table, in his little corner, in Mr. Stark’s lab. He’d been checking the mail as soon as he gets home from school and pulled it out before May got home, which won’t be until after nine o’clock. And there it was, finally, the envelope adorned with Massachusetts Institute of Technology, gray and maroon across the white paper.

art by ulzyuu

Castle on a Cloud by CaptainStarSong @captainstarsong

“How the Hell am I supposed to help some kid when half the time my own life is crashing and burning,” Tony asked, incredulous that Fury was thinking that he could possibly take care of some little boy that he didn’t even know. There was a reason why Tony’s life was practically always falling a part, why the closest people around him either died or left him. It wouldn’t be fair to bring some kid into the mix of his crazy life, especially after Afghanistan. 

Fury took a deep breath as looked at Tony with a hint of pity. “Because, Tony, his name is Peter and he’s your son.” 

Or in which SHIELD finds a young and hurt Peter after raiding a HYDRA base, and Tony must learn how to become the father Peter needs.

art by eve-valution

Casualty of the Darkness by kianisabitch @kianisabitch

Peter remembers when they used to cuddle or simply curl up together and listen to each other’s heartbeats. They used to be the perfect couple. Alex would bring him milkshakes when he had a bad day, he always came to Peter’s science fairs and he even let the boy sleep over at his house whenever May had a night shift at the hospital (which was more often than not at this point due to a single paycheck never being enough to support their small family). But slowly, Alex stopped doing those thing. It started with him forgetting to bring Peter milkshakes when his eyes were red rimmed or anxiety attacks shook through his bed like a hurricane, but quickly morphed into daily insults and verbal abuse and then backhands to the face when he was angry or hands grabbing him too hard and finally the violent sex he was now so used to. Sometimes he missed how their relationship used to be. But the good times were a thing of the past and there was no use mourning what he no longer had. 

OR 

Peter is stuck in a highly abusive situation and Tony starts uncovering the truth in order to save the spiraling teenager.

Damaged At Best (Like You’re Already Figured Out) by JolinarJackson @jolinarjackson

”Don’t come any closer,” Spider-Man said, his hand raised threateningly, his fingers resting against a trigger mechanism nestled into his palm. 

”Alright,” Tony answered. For a moment, they looked at each other – Tony stuck to the wall on one side of the alley and Spider-Man stuck to the other – then Tony opened his helmet to show his face. 

”Hey, there”, he said. ”Nice to finally meet you.” 

— 

The Avengers are left shaken in the aftermath of the Sokovia Accords. With half the team under house arrest at the Compound, Tony finds himself seeking refuge in Avengers Tower and starts forming a tentative friendship with the neighborhood vigilante Spider-Man. A friendship which is quickly threatened by Secretary Ross doubting Spider-Man’s intentions and integrity. 

Tony is left wondering who to trust, especially when Spider-Man manages to uncover the one secret Tony never wanted anyone to know about: the child Tony had with a woman named Mary Fitzpatrick sixteen years ago.

art by @shoyzz-art

Dreams Like Ashes by Captainkirkmccoy @captainkirkmccoy

Tony Stark may not know the danger he’s unleashing on himself, his team and his kid by reworking the old plans for the PASIV/Dream sharing project his father sold to the military, but he does have the best intentions. Irondad Big Bang.

How The Mighty Fall by Meep_Morp @gayspiderboy

Since his duel against Toomes on Coney Island, Peter’s life has settled down considerably. May knows about his double life and accepts it (mostly). Tony has welcomed him back, and given him more independence as New York’s Spider-Man. 

One night during patrol he crosses paths with Connor, a teenager who has Extremis in his blood and answers to the wrong kind of people. Though Tony is quick to distrust him, Peter finds himself reluctant to follow his mentor’s lead, and a bond develops between the two boys. Their relationship is further complicated when Connor’s former master, Negative, makes it a personal mission to destroy them both in his quest for power. 

Taking down a superpowered psychopath? Tough, but Peter isn’t going to back down. 

Stopping Tony from blasting his first potential boyfriend into space? He might need a miracle for that.

If You Could See Me Now by geekymoviemom @geekymoviemom

New York City is bracing itself for the worst hurricane to hit in over thirty years, and the kid isn’t back yet. 

Light by funnygirlthatbelle13 @funnygirlthatbelle

Tony Stark has given up. While the other heroes are in Wakanda trying to figure out a plan, he drinks to forget in New York. But when he discovers tickets to Next to Normal; a rock musical about mental illness, grief, the misuse and abuse of drugs, and parents recovering after the death of their child; that he and Peter had bought, he is forced to face his worst fears all over, and learn that, despite everything he’s been through, there may still be light.

Look Over Your Shoulder, I’ll Be There by Colourcodedbinders @colourcodedbinders

It starts as a simple enough gag: see how long he can manage to keep sneaking into Avengers Tower with his friends before Tony Stark notices. But when an unexpected gaggle of men wearing identical ugly navy blue suits and driving around in equally hideous blue cars join the mix, controlled by a guy with horrific fashion sense and the strength of twenty pumas, Peter has to suit up and do what he does best: superhero the hell out of it. 

And if it ends up being the hardest, scariest, most unplanned thing he’s ever had to do? Well then that’s no one’s business but his. (And Tony’s. Definitely also Tony’s.)

Radioactive by Emily_F6 @justme--emily

Things haven’t always been great between Tony Stark and his son. He wasn’t ready to become a father…didn’t even know he had a son until the boy’s mother died. Over time, though, he thought he got the hang of it. But that was before his son went on a field trip to Oscorp and was seemingly left fighting for his life.

Sea Spider by Bean_reads_fanfic @the-reverse-mermaid

“Tell me I’m not the only one seeing this,” Tony prompts, gesturing to their catch. 

It’s a kid. A teenager, by the looks of him, no more than 15 or 16, with curling brown hair plastered over his forehead and eyes. He lays there prone on his side, covered in cuts- some shallow, some deep, all of them most likely caused by the barbs on the fishnet. Tony can just make out blood matted on the back of his head- he probably hit it on the side of the boat and got himself knocked out. Clinging to his torso is a soaked, faded t-shirt and below that… 

…below that, his lower body is a tail. A full-on fish tail. 

(Mer!Peter AU)

Sometimes, a Family Is by CrystalRoza19 & NeonCrayons

Sometimes a family is comprised of you, your recently divorced dad, an unruly group of teenagers and a semi-unemployed former world-class neurosurgeon… 

Peter Stark hoped that moving back to the city would help his father get passed all the struggles and animosity that plagued him after his divorce. What he hadn’t thought to hope for was a way for his father to move on; he’d always had a hard time letting people go, after all. 

Stephen Strange was everything Steve Rogers was not. Maybe he could be everything Tony Stark needed to heal his broken heart. Throw in an unruly group of teenagers and you have yourself a family.

turn back the clock (and I’ll try again in the morning) by madasthesea @madasthesea

Peter gets stuck in a time loop. In it, he lives through some of his worst nightmares, only to wake up that morning and have no one remember. He needs Tony to help him get through. 

And if that isn’t bad enough, his identity is revealed over and over, every day.

art by @the-reverse-mermaid & starlight-sparks

VERENDUS by Lorein_nur 

New York 1935, Trish Parker was on her way to deliver a letter when all hell broke loose on the busy streets. Due to fates twisted sense of humor she found herself caught in the middle of a mafia disspute, if a stray bullet doesn’t kill her May sure as hell would.

art by @hereandnowwearealive

We’ve Made It This Far, Kid by EmAndFandems @jlmarch

Tony’s just trying to protect the kid from SHIELD. Why does everything have to be so hard? 

Meanwhile, Peter’s biggest problem is buying movie tickets, until he gets a harsh awakening.

[isolctions]

...........so let’s finally talk abt what the actual fucking fuck is wrong with ai’rina rue castillo, huh gang? :-)

(everyone go thank @armsdealing & @durcgs beating the anxiety out of me in order to post this info-dump.)

...before we get into things, now’s the part where i establish a warning for triggers to be discussed in this lengthy headcanon post. there’s gonna be some talks of mental illness, slight alcohol abuse, & breaking down topics of familial abuse, mental abuse, religious abuse, emotional manipulation, and elements of non-con. be warned.

a’ight, so look. i’ve hinted in between threads & development that rue had a not-so-fantastic upbringing that impacted how she perceives herself, how she interacts with others, (in terms of her career, at least) and how she views personal relationships, but i didn’t realize how........severely her upbringing messed with her mental health until i started working through how i wanted to plot out rue’s behavior for her next album release. at first, i had the idea that she decided to take more time for herself & sort of distance herself from the public / media circus plaguing her life so that she can create much more authentic music. then i actually listened to the EP that i’m basing her album off of and thought “...oh.” THEN, i looked over old meme responses & old threads / mentions of her family and how she grew up and thought, not for the last time since piecing everything together: “....oh. oh fucking boy.”

so, that horrible realization dawning on me, let’s talk about rue’s childhood.

i wrote a thing like, two years ago almost (that upon looking for last night, i realized i didn’t actually share it w/ anyone but alex in our discord server & only mentioned a portion of it in rue’s moodboard that i made) that talked vaguely about how rue felt growing up. and it’s worth noting that...she’s the middle of ten fucking siblings. and that’s just the brothers & sisters she knew of that stayed with their mother. and on top of that, not all of those siblings are the product of rue’s father, or even rue’s mother for that matter. and it’s also worth noting that rue not only grew up in poverty, but she grew up never having any actual space that had solely been her own, or even an article of clothing that had belonged entirely to her. so naturally, as a young child, rue sort of became torn between starved for attention & wanting someone to pay attention to her (whether that be her older siblings including her in something, whatever teacher they had for the next six months to call on her for something, for her mother to miraculously show up with her unknown father in tow one day, & for literally anyone to be her friend, pls god Notice her!!!) and for people to simply leave her the hell alone. obviously, this carried into adulthood.

and branching off from the whole “lack of space” point i made, rue wound up growing up to become increasingly more private as time went on because she literally cannot remember a single moment where she wasn’t squished between a bunch of people. driving around in their minivan? rue’s packed in the middle of the second row. nowhere to sleep while on the road? rue’s smacked between gigantic older brothers & clingy little siblings. need to use to bathroom? lmao, she better off going outside!!! gotta change clothes? yeah, good luck with that. it was to the point where, when rue got her first period, she was humiliated by it — not because ‘omg, am i a woman now?? wtf is this???’, but because she ruined the one good sheet that she slept on with her sisters & they were super pissed at her and her mother withheld pay from her for weeks. >:/

already, rue grew up never having shit to herself until the record deal. but she also dealt with literally...so much abuse from her mother. rue thought this was the norm growing up, because all of her siblings faced their mother’s wrath at some point & all of them eventually learned to just deal with the shit and do what she says if they wanted to avoid it. they all compartmentalized and repressed to varying degrees. there’s a lot in which rue has repressed so deeply, she doesn’t even remember if it seriously happened or if she was just making it up bc it was so fucking bizarre for a parent to act that way towards their child, lol?? (and this behavior of “i’m just going to do what you say bc i don’t want to deal with whatever bullshit you’re up to if i say no” also carried into business / personal relationships, which is...very Yikes it’s amazing she didn’t get scammed or worse!) 

so sure, people have complimented her for her exceptional manners & her cleanliness & how quiet / polite she is & how amazing her posture is, bc seriously, this girl will never experience back problems in her life bc her posture is so on par. but where rue typically smiles / responds bashfully, she can’t exactly just up and say: “oh, yeah, my mom used to slap the shit out of me ‘til i bruised if i spoke out of turn or talked back, and if i reached for anything in the store or put my elbows on the table she’d slap a ruler against my palms ‘til i got welts, and she’d make me read verses all night without sleep if i did anything wrong and make me straighten up and kneel on rice if i slouched or took a nap in church and humiliated me in public if i so much as looked at someone of the opposite sex on the street n oh, did i mention i also cleaned houses for rich millionaire snobs from ages twelve to sixteen and if they said or did literally anything to me i wasn’t allowed to defend myself?? ya i’m real proper :)”

(and normal ppl will go: “...................what the FUCK is WRONG with you????”)

but oh man, babe, we’re not done yet!!! rue, being the product of both a highly religious and a highly exploitative household...had difficulty when she started reaching puberty & noticing her classmates. plural, because it wasn’t just boys that she began to secretly have crushes on / fantasize abt, sexually or domestically. she also realized, oh shit, that she started looking at girls differently too. and that literally put the fear of god into her heart, bc if her mother ever found out that she was having non-platonic feelings for the girls in her classrooms, she wasn’t going to be pissed. her mom might have actually tried to kill her. or have her exorcised or something. she knew the shit would be severe, and she wanted no fucking parts of her mother or her siblings inserting the church into her personal life, thank u very much! so rue started suppressing her romantic feelings for people to the point where if adult rue receives intimacy, she’s like “...is this allowed? is this not illegal??????” while simultaneously being like “i will be a slut. just this once. as a Treat to teenage me. :>” regardless, rue learned to molotov cocktail literally any emotion or thought she had, bc she was paranoid that it would give her mother a vision.

now, onto the perils of exploitation...she should’ve been used to it really, what with her mother forcing herself & siblings to lure customers into their shop with promises of visions and palm readings and the wonders of the cards and overexerting their abilities. same with housekeeping, like being of service to people was normal! but when seventeen year old rue decided to sign a record deal and break from home, she wasn’t thinking critically about what the fuck all of this would entail. and as described in this headcanon post abt her discography, her early music was the product of allowing people much older & powerful than you to influence your work & manipulate your values. so rue was very much parading around as someone she wasn’t, someone much more confident and badass and self-assured than she really was, and she was so impressionable back then that it literally makes her sick to think back on it now. she calls it her puppy phase and phrases the eagerness to please execs as ‘tongue wagging’. homegirl hardly even knew her name anymore, bc all she was and all she would ever be was rue, the star, the vocal temptress. not ai’rina, the help or ai’rina, the seer, ai’rina, the weak little nobody. but later on, the subtle manipulation was less about decision making & how they wanted her to sound, and more about how they wanted to present the latest trophy star — because after all, she was pretty. people liked her. she sung really well. suitors weren’t too far off into the distant future. so why not kill two birds with one stone by having a high ranking label artist keep tabloids talking by being seen in public with a few heart throbs? surely, there’s no harm in manipulating an eighteen/nineteen year old’s love life! under the guise of improving her social skills & relations with fellow artists and the media and the like, rue gave into the pressures and let herself be taken out on dates & seen at awards shows with a few guys. no big deal. it was only for a night or so, she could handle the attention. then, one night appearances turned into week long appearances. pretending to date for only a month! completely innocent, positive exposure. :)

(adult rue, looking back @ younger rue: you stupid fucking BITCH-)

yeah, so once her label/management realized that she was turning into a hot commodity, they lost no sleep at allowing their nineteen year old artist to be seen ‘dating’ 20-24+ year old men occasionally. and whatever happened after their public appearances were none of their business. plus, she was good at pretending and being arm candy — so rue experienced her first kiss, her first dates, and her first times with people who she’s almost certain hardly remember their time with her, and really only got involved with her for a mutual career boost. very few of them does she actually remember in a positive light, and the ones that were positive, still depress her bc lmao all of it was fake, even if they were really nice & made it less like a chore and more like they actually wanted to be with her!! even fewer of them were actual relationships. meaning, said person asked her out of their own volition, not bc their managers thought it’d be a decent match on camera. it was evil, really, what her old label made of her. (like, she makes funny jokes that her first time having sex was awkward bc she had a vision halfway through that bummed her out but in reality it was just...really more of a transaction that made her feel icky n progressively worse abt herself until it happened more often and now she just doesn’t care anymore. sex is just sex, u know?? everything’s fake. why you gotta make it personal.) this whole fiasco took over the larger part of rue’s career from like, age nineteen to age twenty-two or so, and she suffered dramatically from this because what is even a genuine, authentic relationship at this point? what do u mean you want to get to know me? did ur manager tell you to ask so many damn questions & try to get to know me? obviously you want something from me bc that’s why everyone gets into a relationship or has sex with me, stop confessing feelings for me u fucking loser. >:/

like...rue doesn’t even have friends. outside of her relationship with marcelo / @armsdealing​ (which, AGAIN, i think was initially arranged to promote her song be honest, how fucking IRONIC), rue does not have any personal relationships with anyone. i mean, she likes her latest management team since switching labels...her hair stylist is rly cool & her make up artist is fun to vacation with...she met a few other celebrities at events that she occasionally texts & has dinner with...yeah, she’s basically a pretty hermit. her family is more or less out of the question — the few brothers & sisters she does still have a positive relationship with (like, four of them lol), they don’t see each other in person often / mainly communicate via groupchat and facetime calls when all of them have time. she tried visiting with her mother over the years, but the verbal & emotional abuse/curses placed on her/accusations of being an imp of satan for singing to the public/memories of being forced to perform psychic shows & clean for chump change keeps her from trying to mend that relationship. like, being gaslit by ur mother isn’t really the vibe, u know? and bottom line, rue simply is a very shy and socially stunted individual who does not know how to communicate like a normal human being anymore. hell, her life revolves around pretending for strangers at this point!

now, onto how...all of That ties into her behavior / state of mind during this next album. so, after riding the wave of success from her third album & the circus that came with that. rue sort of had a fucking existential crisis. came out of absolutely nowhere. (not nowhere — one of her brothers called her out of the blue and called her ai’rina and she literally went “who the fuck is that?”) told her label that she was taking some time in between albums bc she was creatively zapped or whatever bullshit excuse she came up with that somehow worked bc this new label was a little more understanding than the last. vacationed for a little, did some hot girl shit, bought a house, tried to see her mother again for whatever reason then got the shit slapped out of her and finally screamed at her to never touch her again unless she wanted to Throw Hands. cried and got drunk abt it. that took six months. bullshat to her label again, dropped like two songs to smooth things over, decided to focus on magic for a little to ground her, started partying with label mates then going home shitfaced & hungover every other morning. that took eight months. dropped one last song, promptly deleted her twitter, tried to write songs again, got a call from her mother and panicked and got drunk. that took a year. vacationed some more, got even drunker, was bed ridden for like three months because holy shit i’m having so many visions and if i see One More Thing my brain is going to explode, couldn’t separate the present from the future for weeks after that, told absolutely no one about that, cried every day & had an identity crisis, dyed her hair to appease the identity crisis goblins. that took a year and a half.

now, she just chilling. dyed her hair again. scaring her siblings halfway to death bc she keeps going on benders & sending cryptic texts abt the visions she’s getting but they’re so incomprehensible that they’re seriously considering moving in to get her fucking shit together. had a vision that she was married with kids and had a two week identity crisis appeased only by moving houses. (she was in a neighborhood with families...too much Drama and visions. turned into a really cool song tho.) started calling herself by her birth name of ai’rina in private. reactivated twitter to send cryptic tweets that her album is coming. working on said album. trying to drink less but kinda failing bc how is one simply supposed to make a highly personal dual album without alcohol??? prbly somewhere crying in marcelo’s lap or smthn. just vibes.

like...i feel like, in my head, the Theme of her project is wrapped up in identity. her relationship with fame and whatnot. trying to coax her childhood self out of its’ shell so that she can function like a normal goddamn person for once and re-establish her values. like, if someone went to any of rue’s residences right now, it’s just songbooks everywhere and wine glasses and her crystals and shit, bc she still has people’s futures to read for money. (yes, she never really got out of that portion of her childhood, but hey it pays.) it was all very confusing to experience at once while in bed at four in the morning & even though i tried organizing and debated on this, it’s still a Lot. which is why i am once again asking for plots that would allow her to dissect all these Things

so yeah. album four otw, with a side of confronting our childhood & facing our traumas!

[chaos0pikachu]

I'm pretty sure Tee's father wasn't drunk and has severe mental illness of some sort, leaning towards schizophrenia but we can't say for sure. The show didn't make any indication his father was just a drunk, an alcoholics don't need medication they need treatment. Tee's Uncle specifies Tee is working for food, and medication for his "crazy" father.

It's extremely doubtful Tee immediately paid off Non's debt working a few weeks at an internet cafe because Non owed interest on the principal. It was the interest that kept him in debt as that's how loans work, and why Uncle Gangster could keep Non working at the casino indefinitely. Predatory loans rely on interest to keep creditors in debt which was originally why Non needed such a large lump sum of money, so his interest would be all that was left to pay of what he originally owed.

I know by technicalities it wasn't "a loan" that Non took out but that's how the chars - and by extension the narrative - were treating it. Tee was hoping, very much like a delusional teenager would, that working multiple part time jobs in-conjunction with the job he already had with his abusive Uncle plus Non's own working would be enough to pay off the debt quickly without to much interest accruing in a short amount of time.

It's delusional but in line for a char who is 18 and naive to think this, because Uncle was willing to sell Non's organs without blinking. It's interesting to me that fandom views Non as a child (which I agree with in a general sense) but not the other characters who are all his same age (except for New who is older). Tee is Non's same age, they share the same economical background - tho given Tee's house compared to Non's, and that Tee is the sole breadwinner of his household he is probably poorer than Non monetarily - and similarly have no real support system. Non's parents have a golden child (New) and a scapegoat (Non) though at the very least his father sticks up for him. Tee doesn't even have that as his Uncle sees him as disposable and his father is unfit.

Look, I'm not trying to absolve Tee of his part in the overall tragedy of Non's life. Tee absolutely bares responsibility here. Though I'd argue the real "villains" for lack of a better term, are a combo of the system and authority figures who either abuse, use, or abandon these various young adults in various ways.

Tee lies about the camera specifically because his Uncle threatens his livelihood - get me somebody who can open accounts or get the fuck out and good luck buying expensive medicine for your crazy father - it's a bad play. It's fucked up to use Non in this way, but he didn't lie about it to cover for Top he lied about it as a means of his own survival.

Now, do I agree with this? Obviously no, again it's a bad play and is selfish but this is how cycles of violence continue and become enforced. Tee is a victim of his Uncle, therefore victimizes Non for his own survival. It's fucked up and horrible and Tee has come to the same realization.

That's why he works a bunch of jobs to help Non and why he pleaded with his Uncle to literally not kill Non. He doesn't even argue against the fact he's the reason Non is in this situation he knows this and he's doing what he can with what very little power he has.

Again people are going to think I think Tee is like "a good person" or whatever, but I don't think that and neither does the narrative. The narrative has just also emphasized that Tee is not an inherently irredeemable person as well. The show has not showcases a black/white binary in terms of morality.

This is not The Glory - where the school bullying was worse, and the characters were awful people well into their adulthood leaving a trail of bodies wherever they went, gleefully - revenge won't even give New absolution let alone a solution to his problems.

I bring up The Glory because the protagonist gets revenge but she is also able to find absolution and move on in her life so that her life isn't a simple tragedy but a renewal. The show hasn't set that up for New - who also killed an innocent person rip Uncle - and Non probably wouldn't be happy with New because he didn't like New's ass anyway.

I genuinely think the finale is gonna upset fans next week lol because the show isn't tracking towards a slasher ending nor a villain wins ending.

If New does "win" then White also has to die - White is not on New's side, and if New kills Tee White is going to have a bit of a problem with that - because witnesses. If White is a "final girl" then New dies in the process and god what the fuck is White telling the police b/c a government officials kid is dead on the couch.

And here's the big kicker, this episode reinforced to me that this show is still very much a BL and there's specific conventions it's following there that don't track with horror conventions. The show isn't a slasher it's psychological horror at most (which is why I want an open ending personally but I'm flexible).

I genuinely think less people will die than fandom thinks or wants. And that specific chars will live that will REALLY upset fandom lmao

Dead Friend Forever - Ep 11

Another episode, another 10/10 🏆

It never ceases to amaze me how much this series is based in real life. As a person living in a country where the alcohol problem is significant (as almost everywhere 🤷‍♀️), remembering the 80s and 90s, I know situations in which children have to pick up their drunk parents from the streets, endure shame and public humiliation, take care of them as if THEY were the adults. I also know situations in which conflicts over land, the taking of property by someone in power, drove people crazy (I worked with a woman whose MIL went crazy because of it). I also know people who, as children, had to take care of the house because their parents couldn't do it due to their illnesses, addictions and traumas. These are real stories. I KNOW these stories.

Although for a long time I was rather convinced that Non was dead, now, despite the literal facts, I am starting to doubt it 🤡 It's too obvious in this show full of non-obviousness, but on the other hand, the victim's passing in such an ordinary, anticlimactic way is somehow… fitting with the overall painful reality of this show, the banality and ordinariness of evil. Victims often just... go, in silence, without fanfare, without a bang. Although that's why, despite everything, hope somehow grew in me, as if in spite of the facts...

The series amazingly showed love at first sight, the pinkness that accompanied White's entrance, the music, the atmosphere… but it's not the first time, Phee was just as instantly infatuated with Non, as Jin was with Phee.

The series also, consciously or unconsciously, shows that there was a solution when it came to money: there was legal work that did not involve suffering, violence, sex or crime. Tee paid off Non's debts by working at an internet cafe!!! And it's amazing when I think about the fact that Non slept in Keng "out of gratitude" for the money and Tee, looking for money for his father, agreed to work in a criminal organization. And what's more baffling, it's even shown that Tee receives very LITTLE money from his uncle, so it's not even a matter of "selling out to the mafia" for a good money that would allow for professional treatment of his father in the hospital! (I actually thought the whole time that his father was in the hospital and he was paying for his expensive treatment!!!). Even this terrible uncle says:

As I mentioned in another post, I can't bring myself to feel sympathy for Tee because Tee targeted Non, chose him as an easy victim, introduced him to the criminal world, lied about the camera when he really didn't have to (he could have come up with some other lie, for example that they entered the classroom and the camera was already broken, or no one touched it at all and whatever - heh, I came up with this lie in a second so that no one would get hurt - and why did Por bring it to school in the first place?) and then actively work with Top against Non and Keng, although he really, really didn't have to. Tee never de-escalated the situation, he was always the driving force behind events. Even though he didn't have to.

I appreciate that Non is shown to be physically exhausted, which is the result of being beaten. It would be strange if after something like that he just felt good and worked hard. His mental state certainly affects his health as well. How terrible it is that Non thinks that no one is waiting for him at home. that there is no one to return to. It's a child's heartbreaking belief that their parents don't care about them enough to notice that they are gone, to look for them. This is Non's double tragedy: what is happening to him and the fact that he doesn't have something, someone, to give him strength. Even on his note, he states that he is not a loser as his motivation...

The best scenes of course went to Tan, oh how I loved everything. The way he directs Phee towards Tee, the way he incites him. That Tan is not afraid of death. That he has a plan because he didn't trust Phee. It's very possible that for Tan it may no longer be about Non, but about pure revenge and karma and punishment and atonement.

There is an anime that I like, One Outs 😉 There is one scene in this anime in which the main character calls out people, especially politicians, that when they screw up something, they bow, apologize and that's the end of it. That they never pay for their sins, never face real consequences, that they never experience what the victims of their actions experienced. And this scene stays with me all the time while watching DFF. Because we can see, that the boys feel guilty, some more, some less, episode 11 showed that Tee had the greatest sense of guilt of all of them, because he was in the very center of events and knows the most. But what good does it do to Non? Who cares about their guilt and whispered apologies under the influence of drugs, in fear? Did their guilt help his parents or did it help Non and Tan?

None of them ever suffered any consequences or tried to right the wrongs. ON THE CONTRARY. Everyone pretends that nothing happened and is downright furious that this case keeps coming back and ruins their peaceful lives, and it dares to make them uncomfortable. Each of them lives a good life, including Tee, who is in love and happy. The movie is still finished. THE MOVIE IS STILL FINISHED AND THEY ARE PROFITING FROM IT.

Revenge for wrong is one of the oldest tropes in the stories created by people. The Erinyes are some of the oldest figures in the mythology of my part of the world for a reason. It is a disagreement that bad people can get away with their bad deeds. Tan fits this narrative perfectly. He carries revenge, quite possibly only for himself. So somehow I'm glad that "if Non would have wanted it" didn't shake his conviction in any way 💖

I'm still holding off on judging Phee and his behavior towards Tan until the finale. Despite everything, something still doesn't feel right to me 🤔

When things get dangerous at the beginning of the series and they immediately suspect Non's ghost, each of them repeats the same narrative from the past: fear, guilt, the need to escape, to move away from the the problem. In all cultures there is something like prayer, appeasement of vengeful spirits, confrontation with what has been done to these spirits. Notice that all of them, even when they think it might be the "Ghost Non" that is chasing them and taking revenge, not one of them even for a second proposes: let's apologize to ghost Non, let's pray for him, let's promise him and ourselves, that if we come out alive, we will do something about it, we will MAKE AMENDS, do penance, even if it will be inconvenient for us - because that is what penance is about, it is supposed to be "inconvenient", just like the victim was "inconvenient" ffs!!! BUT NO. There is only worrying about themselves, destroying disks, destroying the memory of Non, running away from the problem, blaming others.

Tan is right.​

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone- Chapter Ten

Title: Past, Present, Future

Warnings: none

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @alievans007​, @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @tragiclyhip​

It’s been a productive morning. Breakfast had turned into an enormous affair; seemingly endless supplies of pancakes, french toast and eggs and bacon being shared amongst the ten people gathered. Although much more reserved and quiet than Millie, Alannah had held her own in the midst of the chaos and chatter; the only child initially nervous and withdrawn but quickly and seemingly getting accustomed to the level of noise and activity that comes with so many children in one house. She’s a lovely little girl. Smart and witty; always offering to help out with food prep and dishes whenever she’s over for a meal, full of compliments in regards to food and decor and possessing remarkable manners and social graces for someone so close to their teenage years. In a way she reminds Esme of the younger version of herself; shunned by her own family and desperately searching for people that will both accept and love her. Perhaps that’s why she’d been so willing and eager to bring the eleven year old into the fold; remembering what it was like to be surrounded by family yet feel so alone at the same time. It’s a horrible feeling; knowing that you’re not what your mother -or both parents in Alannah’s case- wanted and never allowed to forget it. It’s isolating and soul destroying. Causing problems that deeply imbed themselves in your psyche; battling with the destruction and never still weeping and sore wounds that hang around even as a an adult. She hadn't been as fortunate as Alannah; no one else that had been willing to embrace her as ‘one of their own’ and give her what she had so desperately needed AND wanted. And there’d be no way she’d wanted another kid going through that same thing; feeling alienated and lost as a kid and then having your adult years just as messed up and troubled.

So many bad decisions could be directly blamed on the behaviour she had witnessed growing up. Able to make friends yet unable to form real bonds with them. Growing tired of romantic partners; annoyed by the sounds of their voices and agitated by the touch of their hands and winding up feeling physically ill at the thought of them even touching her in an intimate way. The idea of being that close to someone had always turned her off instead of the opposite; a handful of brief and non intimate relationships throughout her entire high school career before trying her hand at the ‘real deal’ in college. Even then it had been too much work; long battles with her own brain and her own hang ups before she would even let her first REAL boyfriend get anywhere past second base. And she’d gotten married solely because she’d been convinced that Mark could be the one to get her past her issues; she’d learn how to tolerate someone being around all the time and she’d learn how to be a normally functioning adult when it came to having a serious and long term relationship with someone. That had been a disaster; confusing being in love with exactly just settling for someone and convincing yourself that you couldn’t possibly do better, so why even try? And even though she hadn’t loved him, she’d still desperately held on even when he became abusive and turned her life into a living hell. Suddenly afraid to be alone and terrified that his words were true: no one else would ever want her. That she was damaged and crazy and no one in their right mind would ever put up with THAT. And he’d constantly remind her that she couldn’t do better. That she should count her lucky stars that he even stuck around in the first place. No other man would, after all.

“That’s how much I love you, Esme. I put up with you. No other guy would. But I do. Because I love you THAT much.”

It’s weird how things evolve. Or don’t, for that matter. How your past has such an impact on your future. Fifteen years after Mark and she still struggles; moments of extremely low self esteem, lingering mental health problems, an unhealthy and twisted relationship with her own family, a constant worry that -despite being relatively healthy and somehow surviving the most horrible and terrifying of moments- her marriage is only two seconds away from imploding. The latter is irrational and she knows that. Despite Mark’s words, she had managed to find someone that loves her -truly and wholly loves her- despite all of her issues. Who sees past her messiness and busts his ass to help her finally move on and heal from her past. Who looks at her like she’s the most amazing and beautiful woman in the world; who would remind her of that until his very last breath and who -regardless how much it DOES annoy him- always tries to reassure her that things are just fine. He doesn’t care about the other women that check him out or show him attention or even the balls to try and get close. Always finding ways to assure her that he only has eyes for her; a man of few words that never shies away from pledging his unwavering love and faithfulness. No matter how many times she needs to hear it.

Her mother. She’s the one to truly blame for how fucked up her brain is. That lack of maternal instincts and the pure hatred she’d often shown. She had never let Esme forget that she was a mistake; a ‘change of life’ baby that never should have happened in the first place. On the worst of days, she’d often say that she’d wished she’d never even had her. That she should have ignored Esme’s father’s begging and pleadings to keep the baby. They hadn’t needed another mouth to feed; five boys was more than enough and another kid only caused financial strain and emotional strife. Her mother had always refused to acknowledge her own issues that had caused so many problems; her constant cheating, her lack of maternal instincts, her own biases when it came to her children. Even decades later she refuses to accept any responsibility; laughing off any mention of parental neglect or favouritism and shunning any and all suggestion that she was -and still is- emotionally abusive and an expert at psychological warfare.

While there’s no proof that those exact same things exist in Alannah’s home, Esme does hang onto an old adage passed down by Doctor Klein: “if things are that bad out in the open, they’re even worse behind closed doors.” If Alannah’s parents are so ‘out there’ with their distaste for each other and with their roles as parents, things are probably much darker and direr at home. And if she can give the kid a glimpse of a somewhat normal family and the experience of having siblings and people around her that do value her and appreciate her and show her attention and affection, it’s the least she can do. It’s too late to mend her own issues and it’s not possible to go back and time to change things, but she CAN alter Alannah’s present AND future.

Desi arrived at ten. Quite the baker and chef himself, he had offered to help Tanner in his culinary pursuits; bringing over his most expensive pots, pans and baking sheets and a stash of both exotic and common ingredients for the ten year old to experiment with. And with Millie the only other child left in the house, it had given her the opportunity for a little ‘me time’; the rest of the kids having gone with their father to assist in his pursuit for last minute Christmas gifts and the items she’d jotted down a list prepared right before he stepped out the front door. Some time in the gym had done her a world of good. Forty five minutes on both the treadmill and the rowing machine, followed by some time with the weights and working up a sweat punching and kicking at the heavy bag; the latter successfully enabling her to shed the anger and bitterness towards Mark, her own mother, and Alannah’s parents.

While she isn’t quite nearly as devoted and motivated as her husband is -often working out twice a day, two to three hours at a time- when it comes to fitness, she find it DOES help; getting her heart rate up and her adrenaline flowing a rather successful combination when it comes to her battle with her mental health woes and her ongoing battle with her self esteem. The latter becoming worse with the arrival of the last set of twins and her inability to shed the remaining twenty pounds -out of forty five- that she’d gained while pregnant with them. She’s nowhere near who and what she’d been before she’d begun having children; missing how skinny yet fit she’d been and how every piece of clothing she’d owned or tried on had seemed to fit so perfectly.

Tyler always rolls his eyes when she brings it up.Quick to remind her that a lot has changed since they first met; he doesn’t expect her to be the same person, in the same way she doesn’t expect him to be either. And that’s a good thing, he’d point out, and then thoroughly list all the ways they’ve both evolved for the better. He’d get that mischievous glitter to his eyes and he’d give that cheeky grin and he’d talk about how much he enjoys her body now; all that ‘extra cushioning’ in all the right places. And then he’d kiss her and embrace her as tight as her body would allow him to and everything would seem right and perfect in the world once again. Those big, strong arms never failing to make her feel safe and protected. In a way no one else has ever been able to.

******

After a long bubble bath- complete with scented candles and a glass of wine- she finally heads downstairs; braiding her still damp hair and securing it with an elastic and letting it dangle over the front of her shoulder. Desi is in the living room; surrounded by plastic tote boxes filled to the brim with various Christmas ornaments that he’s in the middle of organizing. The tree had arrived earlier and now sits in its stand in front of the living room window; seven feet tall and wide and full and filling the house with the fresh and unmistakable scent of pine. The kids are already excited to decorate. Even the normally quick to bore Millie looking forward to what has turned into quite the year event; Chinese take out and hot chocolate stirred with candy canes and the fireplace on while Christmas carols play on the stereo. It’s just a little ‘something’; a simple and silly little tradition that they’d adopted when they’d first moved back to Australia and have been indulging in ever since. There’s been many more adopted; both trying to give their kids the experiences they never had growing up.

“Thought maybe you fell asleep,” Desi says in a way of greeting. “Not that I’d blame you. Isn’t often you get time away from all the kiddos.”

“As nice as a nap sounds, the bath hit the spot. I may or may not have refilled the tub with hot water three times. Just to drag it out a bit. You’ve been busy. You don’t have to organize and clean my house every time you come over. I’m more than happy just to spend time with YOU.”

“A little help here and there is a good thing. Little T was helping me go through things and make them a little easier for you to find. We’ve got shortbread and sugar cookies in one oven, brownies and squares in the other. He’s in his glory that kid. Quite the little baker, ain’t he? He’s got skills. A mighty keen palate.”

“Wouldn’t surprise me at all if he becomes rich and famous for his cooking and baking one day. He’s a talent. In many ways.”

“He’s a good kid. A damn good kid. Reminds me of you in a lot of ways. Got quite a bit of momma in him. And he sure thinks the world of her, too.”

“He’s always been close to me. Since we lived in Colorado. He became quite the momma’s boy when things…” her voice trails off and she reaches into one of the boxes and pulls out a strand of rose gold garland. “...when things weren’t so good between Tyler and I.”

“That bad?”

“Bad enough. We split up. For six months.”

“No shit?”

“No shit. He went through some things. That were totally out of his control. And he made some decisions that weren’t the best. I had to kick him out.”

“You kicked him out? You? As madly and crazily in love as you are?”

“I did. He got back into the booze and the pain meds and he became a totally different person and I didn’t want that around the kids. So I told him to go. That once he got his shit together and could put us before his issues and his job, he could come back. Took him half a year, but…” she shrugs and tosses the garland onto the couch. “...it all worked out in the end. We got back together and we fought like hell to make things work. And here we are. Twelve years into things. And a hell of a lot better and stronger than we’ve ever been. He’s changed. We both have. We’ve come a long way.”

“And Little T?”

“He picked sides. He was three years old. Just a baby still. But he’d seen and heard enough and it affected him way more than it did TJ and Millie. He was scared of his dad. For a long time. Not that Tyler ever did anything to scare him; he never yelled at the kids or hit them or did anything to frighten them. We fought. A lot. And those fights got pretty bad. A lot of yelling and a lot of really horrible things said to each other. Things we can’t take back, unfortunately.”

“But you got past all that. Obviously.”

“We did. I mean, we didn’t MEAN the things we said. They were said out of anger and hurt; none of it was ever intentional. But that sticks with you, you know? You didn’t mean what you said and you hate yourself for saying any of it, but you still did it. And you can’t go back and erase it. Those words existed. Sadly.”

“You can’t dwell on it, Big E. You just can’t. Y’all got past it, am I right? You got back together, you said yourself you’re better and stronger than ever. And I highly doubt he holds all that against you; shit that happened years ago.”

“I know he doesn’t. But I also know he holds it against himself.”

“Well, that’s the bipolar part of things. Keeps the bad shit in his head and reminds him of it during the down moments. He’s doing okay with that? All that shit in his head?”

“He is. He’s been remarkably...well..for someone with the diagnosis he has. I’m proud of him. For handling things like he has. He just copes with it all. Way better than I thought he would. It’s been five years and there’s been no real issues. He takes his meds and he goes to therapy and he manages it all well. I’m proud of him. So proud. He’s done really well. He’s a tough shit, that’s for sure. Probably the toughest person I’ve ever known.”

“You mean when you’re NOT looking in the mirror?”

Esme laughs. “I am not THAT tough. I put on a good front.”

“You’re a tough cookie for a tiny little thing. All the things you’ve told me? That you’ve been through over the past twelve and a bit years? You shouldn’t underestimate yourself like you do.”

“It’s been...interesting...to say the least.”

It isn’t something she speaks so openly and honestly about; how she and Tyler met and everything that had happened in Dhaka and the decisions she’d made on the Sultana Kamal Bridge. It isn’t exactly a topic you’re comfortable discussing with just anyone; your husband being a mercenary and a former alcoholic and painkiller addict with mental health issues. But Desi is trustworthy; kind and compassionate with a heart even bigger than his already enormous body. And it helps to have a confidant; someone to spill even your deepest and darkest secrets to without the worry of being judged.

“I found these,” Desi snags a shoebox off the coffee table and opens the lid as he presents it to her. “Look homemade.”

She peels back the layer of tissue paper and smiles at the contents revealed. “Salt dough ornaments. I remember making them with Millie. We were still in Telluride. Our third Christmas there. I hadn’t even gotten pregnant with Declan yet. God, that seems like a long time ago.”

“There’s four there, though. If you hadn’t had Declan yet, there’d only be three, would there not?”

“That’s not Declan’s.” She carefully plucks out the fourth ornament in question; gingerly turning it over in her palm as she inspects it. The same size and shape as the others, but with the added ‘extra’ of a halo that a then three year old Millie had decorated with gold glitter. It had been her idea; an ornament for the brother that she’d never get to meet but insisted was still very much part of their family. “That’s Austin’s.”

“Austin? Who is Austin? You have another kid I don’t know about? A baby you lost or…”

“Austin wasn’t mine. He was Tyler’s son. From his first marriage.”

“Excuse me….what?”

“He was married. Before me. In the same way I was married before him.”

“You never told me about that. You being the second Missus Rake.”

“There was never really a reason to talk about it. She was his high school sweetheart. They got married pretty much right after graduation. Then he joined the military. Austin arrived a little while later. When he was twenty five.”

“What happened between them? Things went bad or…?”

“It wasn’t the healthiest of marriages. They were young. Probably rushed into things. He was gone a lot and she wasn’t happy being an army wife.”

“And the kid? Does he see him? Do they live in Australia too or…?”

“Austin died.” She finds herself both fighting back a flood of threatening tears and speaking around a lump of emotion sitting square in her throat. “When he was six. Long before I ever knew Tyler.”

“I’m sorry,” Desi lays a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You don’t have to talk about it if…”

“It’s okay. It’s good to talk about it. About HIM. We’ve never hidden it from the kids. We’ve always been open and honest about things. Our past lives, the fact we were both married before, how they’d have another sibling if things had gone differently. There’s never been a reason NOT to tell about those things. It’s all part of who we are. All plays a role in how we got to where we are now. In one way or another.”

“Was he sick? Was there an accident or….?”

“He had lymphoma. It was very aggressive and pretty far along when the doctors finally caught it. The kid didn’t stand a chance. He didn’t last long. Even with chemo and radiation. It was bad. Very, very bad. Just a horrible thing for a kid to go through.”

“And for his folks to see.”

“It was a really bad time. For them. As a family. And Tyler…” she swipes at the tears that manage to escape. “...he was never the same after that. It really did a number on him. I know he seems all big and bad and fearless and intimidating but he’s got such a huge heart. He loves big and he loves deep. You see how he is; with the kids.”

“Definitely loves being a daddy. And they definitely love him.”

“He’s an amazing dad. I couldn’t have asked or wished for a better father for my children. And in a way, losing Austin made him the dad that he is. It was rough. On him. It still is.”

“It’s a hell of a thing. Losing a kid. Can’t imagine what it’s like seeing your own flesh and blood suffer like that. It was bad enough for me; seeing my husband go through what he did. I can’t imagine watching a kid go through that.”

“I often wonder what would happen if one of the kids got sick. If he could even handle it. I mean, once is enough. Imagine having to deal with that AGAIN? And I hate that my brain even goes there. That I immediately think of something like that. He’s tough and he’s strong and he’s resilient. But I don’t think he could handle that. If anything happened to one of the kids or me…”

“He’d deal with it. It’s what we do. When we love someone. But you need to get out of your head, Big E. I mean, it’s beautiful nine times out of ten. But that last remaining bit…”

“It’s a mess. I’m the first to admit that. I can’t believe I’m this emotional over this. It’s a Christmas ornament, for crying out loud.”

“It’s what it represents. It’s your husband’s pain. So it’s your pain too.”

“For years we never even put the ornament on the tree. Tyler couldn’t handle seeing it. So I just put it away. Until he was ready for it to be out. And then one year, he did it himself; got it out of the box and hung it on the tree and that was that. We’ve been putting it up since.”

“Is that why their marriage broke up? The kid getting sick?”

“There were other problems. It wasn’t a good marriage. For many reasons.” She lays the ornament back in the box and carefully covers it with the layer of tissue paper. “But I guess in the end, it worked out okay. For me anyway. We wouldn’t have met. Had things NOT fallen apart. I can’t say I wish I could go back and change things. Because if I could do it…”

“Change one thing, change everything. The butterfly effect.”

“Whatever you do, do not bring that up to Tyler. Not the butterfly effect itself. The movie. Don’t talk about Ashton Kutcher to him. He’s got this deep rooted and unexplainable hate for him.”

“I feel the same way about Justin Timberlake. You know what I call him? Just to be an asshole? Justin Tenderbottom.”

Esme laughs at that, then sets the shoebox down on the cluttered coffee table and allows herself to be pulled into a tight hug; one of Desi’s enormous hands on the back of her head and his arm curled around her waist. She rests her forehead against his chest; the tears coming easily and effortlessly now. It’s a hurt she’s never been quite able to explain; a painful and long lasting mourning for a child that she never knew.

“You’re a good little wife, Big E. I know for a fact that he thinks the sun rises and sets on you. That you’re the best damn thing that’s ever happened to him.”

“He said that?” Esme sniffles noisily and looks up at her friend. “He admitted that to you?”

“He did. And he’s said a lot about you. All good things, too. You are definitely the center of his entire universe. And you know what? It’s a horrible thing that happened. To his son. To him. But if it hadn’t? Well you wouldn’t have what you have now. Those seven kids you got? None of them would exist. And if you ask me? This world is a better place because they do.”

“Mum!” Tanner calls, as he slowly makes his way from the kitchen; oven mitts on his hands as he carefully carries a mug of tea. “I made you a drink! I knew you’d want one. You always have tea right after a bath.”

Smiling, she pulls away from Desi and uses the bottom of her t-shirt to wipe away the tears that stain her cheeks. “You know me very well, sweet boy. You didn’t use the stove though, did you? To boil the water? You know you’re not supposed to do that if there isn’t an adult with you.”

“I used the coffee maker. Daddy showed me how. I know what I’m doing. And it’s safe. I can’t hurt myself. Three milk and no sugar,” he presents her with the mug, a proud smile plastered from ear to ear. “Just like you like it.”

“It’s perfect,” she says, and takes his face in her hands and presses a kiss to the top of his head. “And so are you. The most perfect and precious Nugget EVER.”

****

Two hours later she finds herself lounging in the sunroom; legs stretched out and socked feet against the window, laptop opened and resting on her thighs. It’s a double helping of work; two businesses to keep running smoothly even when thousands of miles away. Scheduling and payroll and Christmas bonuses to take care of for the bookshop employees, emails from potential clients needing fast and efficient ‘solutions’ to serious problems in areas all over the world. Word travels in the mercenary life; a rather tight knit yet extremely competitive circle that moves fast. People with money want the best; someone that chooses a life of relative secrecy yet possesses an astounding and well respected reputation. The list of ‘regulars’ is long and plentiful, and each brings more people into the game; word of mouth making or breaking a company such as theirs. There’s never a lack of work; over forty guys -some with years of experience that had bailed from competitors- employed and constantly climbing. But Christmas is the one holiday where they DO take a break; referring anyone that needs a job done to Anil. He doesn’t take his role of a husband and a father as seriously; dedicated to his work and refusing to let anyone -even his own wife and children- get in the way.. He’s a good man and treats Nik and the girls well; providing for them and protecting them and making sure they never go without. But his loyalties remain with his business, and he is never shy when it comes to admitting or defending it.

She forwards him the emails and then focuses her attention on the bookstore; balancing the books and checking the profits and sending out payroll and bonuses. It’s been a quiet end to the morning; Milie and Alannah upstairs in her bedroom playing on the computer and watching movies, Tanner and Desi finishing their first round of baking and using their break to head outside to play in the snow. She watches them now; Desi’s big body lumbering around the yard as he chases Tanner, who occasionally allows himself to be scooped up and tossed into the nearest snow pile. That high pitched and giggle makes her smile; picturing Tanner’s enormous smile that crinkles the bridge of his nose and the corners of those brilliant blue eyes. He doesn’t form bonds easily; leery of new people and finding it difficult to make friends. But he’d taken easily to Desi. Once saying that it was the man’s deep yet soothing voice that won him over. Along with a gentle smile and warm brown eyes that let Tanner know that their neighbour was a good person with a good heart.

The doorbell sounds just as she finishes and sends off the store’s schedule for January. The melodic chime setting off a flurry of activity and noises; both dogs -stirred for their naps in front of the front room fireplace- now barking in unison, paws sliding across hardwood flooring as they scramble for the door. It’s soon followed by Millie’s footsteps; seeming unusually thunderous and heavy as they rush down the stairs. Accompanied by that thick Aussie accent she’s adopted within the last five years; yelling at Saju and Mac to lie down and shut up and behave or she’ll throw them out in the snow. It’s hardly a threat; both preferring the sun and the sand and their romps in the ocean, but quite accustomed to the cold weather and snow beneath their feet.

“Mum!” Millie bellows in an effort to be heard over the continued barking. “Some lady’s at the door! She wants to see dad!”

“He’s not home!”

“I know that! But she wants to talk to someone! And I don’t want it to be me!”

Smirking, she snaps the lid closed on the laptop and sets it on the coffee table; grimacing at the tightness in her lower back as she gets to her feet. The pain and discomfort is new over the course of the last five years; a small mistake made during the epidural while in labour with the twins resulting in long term damage. It sucks; your body betraying you when you’ve been so selfless and willing to keep other human beings alive inside of you. Pulling the sides of her cardigan sweater tighter around her body, she crosses her arms over her chest as she heads for the front of the house; soles of her UGG slippers lightly squeaking against the wood flooring. They’d been yet another one of her husband’s surprise gifts; a neatly wrapped package accompanied by a bouquet of Australian wildflowers that had shown up a day after he’d left for Cambodia. He’s become a master at it; showering both her and the kids with both simple and elaborate gifts. Claiming that it makes him happy to do it; spending his own childhood going without while his father used their money for booze. And it’s a way of making up for all his past mistakes as well; doing whatever he can to be a good husband and father and erase the mistakes of the past that continue to haunt him.

The woman at the door is tall and blond; clad in a disgustingly expensive leather coat with fur trim, the ends of her wavy platinum hair tumbling out from under the edge of a burgundy wool beret that perfectly matches her heavily painted lips. The smile she gives is phony; the look of dismay and disgust readily apparent as her eyes take in Esme’s more casual and relaxed look. It isn’t the first time she’s seen a look like THAT; the housewives on the school yard and at the soccer park have long perfected it, along with their snide comments about how ‘boring and plain Jane’ she is and how they can’t fathom how someone like Tyler could stand being with someone like her.

“She’s here to see dad,” Millie says. “I said he wasn’t home, but…”

“It’s okay,” Esme assures her, then nods down at the curious and rambunctious dogs now gathered at her feet. “Can you put these guys outside? Before they give me a migraine?”

Nodding, Millie slaps her hand against her thigh; a well used sign that dogs have learned means they should follow her. And they happily cooperate; their tails wagging energetically and their bodies pressed against the eleven year old’s legs as she leads the way through the house.

“She’s very…charming.”

Esme glances up at the woman standing in front of her, and manages a polite yet terse smile of her own. “Well, what can I say? She’s her father’s daughter. Can I help you?”

“You must be Emily.”

“Esme. My name is Esme. Not Emily.”

“That’s a very unusual name. A little...odd...in this day and age.”

“It’s actually quite common. Very old and classic. I was named after my great, great grandmother. And she was born in the eighteen hundreds, so…”

“I’m Natalie.” She doesn’t bother to offer a hand, electing instead to keep a firm hold on the plastic container she tightly clutches.

“That’s very plain. Natalie. Kind of boring. Guess you didn’t have any unusual and odd relatives to be named after.”

The corners of the woman’s turn up in a slight smirk.

“Can I help you? Is there a reason you’re here? Asking for my husband?”

“I’m here to see Tyler.”

“And our daughter told you he isn’t home. Which wasn’t an invite to stick around. I’m sure whatever you want to talk to him about, can wait until he IS here. Or, I could just give him a message and then he can decide whether he wants to talk to you or not. I wouldn’t hold your breath; he isn’t the chattiest person on the block. Why ARE you here? Is there something I can help you with or…?”

“I was hoping to speak to him.”

“And for the third time, you’re being told he’s not home. So sorry, Tyler can’t come out to play right now. And unless there’s something you want to say to me….”

“We met yesterday. He was at the park. With your son. The handicapped one.”

Once more crossing her arms over her chest, she cocks her head to the side. “Excuse me?”

“Your son. With the problems. Travis, Thomas….”

“His name is Tanner. And he doesn’t have ��problems’. He has Autism. Don’t talk about my son like that. You can come here calling on my husband all you want, but when you bring my kid into this…”

“We had a nice little chat. At the park. We just moved here. My daughter and I. It’s been hard meeting people.”

Esme smirks. “I can’t possibly imagine why.”

“He was very friendly. Welcoming. Tyler. Not Tanner. Just to be clear.”

“And…”

“And I just wanted to thank him for that. For being so nice. For making us feel like part of the neighbourhood.”

“Well I’ll be sure to tell him that. I’m sure he’ll appreciate hearing it. Is that everything or….?”

“These are for him.” Natalie offers the plastic container. “I made them myself. They’re award winning. Used to get lots of compliments on those.”

“Oh how nice. You’re offering him your cookie. I mean, cookies. That’s very sweet. I will let him know that you stopped by with your generous offer. But just so you know, he doesn’t accept...goodies...from other women. So if you’re thinking about offering him any in the future, you might want to stop while you’re ahead. I’m sure there’s other married men out there who would gladly accept. But my husband? You’re pissing in the wrong front yard.”

Natalie’s eyes narrow. “Excuse me?”

“I’m just making it clear that he doesn’t accept goodies from other women. Ever. And he never will. So if you’ve got something brewing up in that head of yours, you might want to put an end to it now. He’s not interested. And believe me, I think you’d rather hear that from me. He won’t let you down as politely and easily.”

“I don’t know what you think I’m up to, but…”

“This isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve come across plenty of women like you. And I’m just cutting to the chase. He’s not interested. Find someone else. Go after someone else’s husband. Stay away from mine.”

“I’m not after your husband. I’m just here doing something neighbourly and…”

“If it WAS something neighbourly, you would have come here to introduce yourself to ALL of us. Not just ask for him. I have to admit though, that’s pretty ballsy; showing up like this and having the nerve to talk to the wife. Most would have just left once they found out the husband wasn’t home. I’ll hand it to you; you’ve got some nerve.”

“I’m just here to be friendly. That’s it. No ulterior motive. You know, I was surprised to hear you have SEVEN kids. When I saw you the other day out in the snow with them, I thought there was no way they could all be yours. You just seemed so fresh faced and young. No way did you look like someone with THAT many children. But now up close? Well, let’s just say I’d look tired and downtrodden too if I got pregnant that many times.”

“My husband prefers the fresh faced and natural look. You know, as opposed to looking like Sephora threw up on your face. He also prefers brunettes. So that’s two strikes against you. Is there anything else? Other than your cookie. Sorry,” Esme laughs. “I did it again. I meant ‘cookies’. Is there more or…?”

“No. I think we’re done here.”

“You know what? I think we are too. And as lovely and sweet as you are, I hope this is the first and last little visit. I hope you fully understood what I told you. About keeping your goodies out of my yard. I think I made it pretty clear.”

“You did. As a matter of fact, you…”

“Have a good day,” Esme manages a smile, then shuts the door in the woman’s face, giving a small jump when she discovers her daughter sitting in the middle of the stairs; her arms crossed over her chest and a scowl on her face.

“What a bitch,” Millie grumbles.

“Normally I’d give you hell for the language, but right? She was, wasn’t she?”

“Huge. A huge bitch. You should have throat punched her, mum. She deserved it.”

“You can’t just go around throat punching everyone that pisses you off. If you could, I’d be exhausted. Or in jail.”

“I can’t believe she’d come here asking for dad,” Millie says, as she stands and takes the stairs two at a time, following her mother towards the back of the house. “How rude is that? Asking for another woman’s husband? That’s some goddamn nerve.”

“She’s probably used to getting what she wants. And WHO she wants.”

“Well she can’t have dad. He doesn’t want her. He doesn’t want anyone. Just you. Think she got the point? That she better not try and mess with him? I think you went way too easy on her. I think you should have thrown down. You could have taken her. For sure.”

“Some women don’t care, Millie. They’ll continue to mess around with married guys no matter how times they’ve been warned to back off. Maybe she’s one of them. Maybe this isn’t the last we’ve seen of her. Who knows.”

“If she knows what’s good for her, she’ll stay away. You were tame. Dad won’t be. He won’t be nice.”

“Maybe that’s what she needs. She needs a man to tell her where to go and how to get there. If there’s one thing your dad is a professional at, it’s telling people off. Don’t worry about her ; she’s harmless. Your dad wouldn’t touch her anyway. He’s not the type. To do things like that.”

“I think it would be hilarious to see him tell her off and really embarrass her. And what are those supposed to be?” Millie nods at the container Esme drops on the island.

“Cookies. She made them for him. Isn’t that so sweet?”

The eleven year old makes a dramatic gagging noise. “She probably poisoned them. In hopes you’d eat them. Probably wants to kill you off and become our step mother. They look like shit anyway. Throw them out. I would.”

“I’ll let your dad decide what he wants to do with them. And her. The ball is in his court now. He can decide what to do from here.”

“I hope he tells her to piss off. That’s just plain weird; coming over to some married guy's house and asking for him. On what planet is that okay to do?”

“None. It’s very unusual. To say the least. But like I said, don’t worry about her. Your dad wouldn’t do something like that. He’s a lot of things, but a cheater isn’t one of them. That is the last thing I’m worried about.”

“Good. Because she has nothing on you. She’s all phoney looking. But that fur wasn’t. On her coat. I bet she’s obnoxious enough to wear real fur. What a cow. She should have been throat punched for that alone. Don’t worry, mum. You’re way better than she is. You’re real and you’re cute and tiny. And dad loves you. ONLY you.”

“Your dad is the last person I worry about. Other women? I definitely worry about them. Your dad? Never. I trust him. A hundred percent. And speaking of your father, I hope Alannah likes Mexican. Dad’s bringing some home for lunch.”

“She loves it. She loves all the same things I do.” Picking the container of cookies up off the counter, she peels back one of the corners and sniffs at the contents; frowning and making a gagging noise before setting them back down. “They’re not even good cookies. Oatmeal raisin! The abomination of cookies! Dad HATES oatmeal raisin. He says there’s nothing worse than biting into one and expecting it to be chocolate chip, only to discover it’s oatmeal raisin.”

“Your dad loves Vegemite. So excuse me if I don’t take his taste in food seriously.”

“Vegemite is awesome, mom. You don’t know what you’re missing.”

“Yes. I do. Which is why I don’t eat it. If I wanted to eat shit, I would. Everything okay? You and Alannah getting along alright?”

“She’s my best friend. In the whole world. I love her. And we always have an awesome time and we never get tired of each other. But there’s something I need to ask you. About her.”

“Okay…” Esme slides onto one of the bar stools at the island. “...what’s up?”

“I’m worried about her. The way things are at home. Her parents are horrible. They don’t even want her around. And when she is around them, they just ignore her. They don’t even talk to her. They don’t ask about her day at school or about her friends or anything like that. They don’t even know what her favourite movie or tv show is or what celebrity she has her crush on. What parent doesn’t know that stuff? You and dad know that stuff about us.”

“Dad and I care. We like knowing about you guys. You’re our kids. Why wouldn’t we?”

“Well Alannah’s their kid and they don’t give a crap about her. I mean, they’re leaving her at Christmas! How horrible is that? Who just dumps their kid off on someone at Christmas?”

“Millie, not everyone has the life you do. Not everyone has parents that love them. Not everyone has a mom and dad that wants to be involved in their lives. I didn’t have it. Your dad didn’t have it. And unfortunately, Laney doesn’t have it. It sucks. Believe me, I know.”

“But what if we could give her a family? A real family? Like you and dad did with Ovi.”

“I’m not sure if I like where this is heading…”

“She loves being here. Spending time with all of us. I mean, she was scared of dad at first. Because of how big he is and all his tattoos and scars and stuff. But she got to know him and now she loves him. And she really loves you. She always goes on and on about you. About how cool and fun you are. And tiny. Like her.”

“We love having her here. She’s a great kid. I hope she realizes she’s welcome here. Anytime.”

“She does. Which is why I want to ask you what I’m about to ask you.”

“Okay. Something tells me this is serious. What’s going on?”

"I want her to come back with us. When we go home."

“Millie, we can’t just…”

“She’s part of the family already. You and dad love her like she’s one of us. And you guys treat her great. She’d fit right in. And she’d love it there. She’d love being so close to the beach and the ocean. I know she would. And she’s not a bad kid. She’s a really good kid. You said it yourself; how great she is.”

“She IS great. She’s an awesome kid. But we can’t just take her with us.”

“Why not? Don’t you want her there?”

“Of course I want her there. But she has a mom and dad. Not very good ones, but she still has them. We can’t just take her with us. There’s this little thing called kidnapping. We can’t just take someone else’s child.”

“You took Ovi. When I was a baby.”

“We didn’t just TAKE him. We had to jump through a lot of hoops. Legally. Your dad had to go and talk to Ovi’s father and try and convince him to let us have him. It wasn’t just as simple as bringing Ovi along.”

“Dad could talk to Alannah’s parents. Talk them into letting her come with us. They’d let her. They don’t care about her anyway. We’d be taking her off their hands. They’d probably be happy about it.”

“Amelia, it just isn’t that simple. There’s a lot of red tape and legal stuff. I wish it was easier, but it’s not.”

“But would you consider it? IF her parents said okay?”

“I don’t know. Maybe? I suppose? I’d need time to think about it. I already have seven kids. Taking on an eighth?”

“It’s not like she’s a baby. All the hard work has already been done. Please, mum? Would you at least think about it?”

“If it was just as simple as talking to her parents and taking her with us, I’d say yes. In a heartbeat. But it’s NOT that easy.”

“I just want you to think about it. We’d be giving her a good life. Like you and dad gave Ovi. Will you at least think about it?”

“It’s not a decision I can make on my own, sweet pea. I’m not in this alone. I’d have to talk to your dad. I can’t just tell him we’re taking on another kid. It doesn’t work that way. He has to be on board with it.”

“Will you talk to him at least? Bring it up? Just see what he says?”

Esme nods. “I will talk to your dad. But I’m not promising anything, Millie. We have a crazy life. Your dad has his business and I have the bookstore. And there’s seven of you. Taking Alannah? That’s a big deal. That’s serious. And it’s something your dad and I would really, really have to talk about it. That’s all I can promise you. That I’ll talk to him. That’s the best I can do.” She reaches out and tucks some of the wayward strands of blond hair behind Millie’s ears. “Okay?”

“Okay, mum. And I’m sorry. For how I’ve been acting. I’m kinda bitchy lately.”

“Kinda?” Esme grins. “Just kinda?”

.“Okay, maybe A LOT. But I do love you. And I AM sorry.”

“You’re forgiven. I was your age once. I know what it was like. And it was brutal. VERY brutal. You know what that means? The mood swings, the attitude, the skin issues?”

“Aunt Flow is going to be paying a visit soon.”

Esme laughs.”Yeah, unfortunately. The joys of being a girl. You'll be alright, though. It’s a change. You’re growing up. Even I’m having a hard time with it. I still remember finding out about you. And telling your dad we were having you. Seems like forever ago now. We were so happy.”

“Dad was a little spooked. At first.”

“He was. And for good reason. He’d lost Austin and he didn't think he’d ever get to be a dad again. And then I told him about you and we hadn’t known each other that long and it was kinda scary. For both of us. But once we saw you? On that first ultrasound? And we got to hear your heartbeat? We loved you right away.”

“Dad’s miracle baby.”

“He will never, EVER, stop calling you that. He loves you so much, Millie. More than you could ever comprehend. And he’s pretty good, huh? At the whole daddy thing?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t trade him for another dad, that’s for sure. And I wouldn’t trade you either, mum. Just so you know. I know sometimes we don’t get along well. We don’t always see eye to eye on stuff.”

“Well, you are your father’s daughter. Through and through. And your dad and I disagree a lot too. But I love you. Beyond all comprehension You’re my first. My baby girl. How could I not?”

Smiling, Millie stands behind the stool Esme’s perched on and wraps her arms around her mother’s neck. “I love you, mummy. Please don’t ever doubt that.”

“I love you too, Amelia.” She pushes her fingers through her daughter’s, then presses a kiss to one of the forearms resting across her collarbone. “And I always will.”

[representativecharacters]

Character: Soren

From:  Fire Emblem Tellius (Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance and Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn) 

Representation:  Abuse victim/survivor, mental illness*

Their Importance: The continent of Tellius was populated by two races: the beorc, who are like real-world humans, and laguz, who shapeshift into animals. Soren was the son of a male beorc and a female laguz. His father only wanted a laguz lover for their great power, and when his young son did not appear to have any powers, he used him as a hostage to lure another powerful laguz to him, before simply discarding the child. 

Soren spent his early childhood in a beorc settlement in Gallia, hated by his caretaker–his earliest memories are of her rejecting him and lamenting her lot in life, having to provide for him, and she never showed him any affection, doing the bare minimum to care for him out of a sense of obligation rather than love. However, when Soren was four years old, an elderly sage, well versed in the ways of magic, noticed a mark on Soren’s forehead, and took this to mean the boy was a Spirit Charmer–someone who harbored spirits in their body that ate away at their soul in exchange for their protection and magical power. The sage came to the woman’s home and purchased Soren from her, saying that the boy possessed rare magical talent, and she was ecstatic to give him up. From then on, the sage trained Soren day and night in magic, and though the lessons were harsh, Soren preferred it to his previous life. When Soren was six years old, the sage died of old age. Once Soren ran out of food, he left the sage’s hovel and walked for days until he reached a village, but upon arriving, realized that while he was more literate than most of the people, he could not bring himself to speak even a single word as a result of the verbal abuse he had experienced–he was used to words being hurled at him, and there was never any reason to answer, so he was unused to using them. (This is a sign of an anxiety disorder called selective mutism.) 

People noticed the mark on Soren’s forehead and saw it for what it really was–a Brand that marked him as the offspring of an interracial union between a beorc and a laguz. Since this was an unspeakable taboo, the beorc tried to stone him or beat him to death when they saw him, and called him slurs. For at least another year, Soren lived like this, starving and wasting away. One day, while Soren rested at the edge of the forest, he was discovered by a beorc boy about his age. This boy was Ike, who would become the hero of Tellius. Ike offered his packed lunch to Soren, who hissed and shied away at first, but eventually snatched the sandwich from his hands and ate it ravenously. Ike offered to bring Soren back to his house to get more food, but Soren only shook his head. Eventually Ike promised to come back at the same time the next day with more food, and Soren nodded. Soren was happy that he had food and someone would finally help him and talk to him, but when the next day came and Ike did not arrive, Soren ventured into the village despite his fears and found it littered with the corpses of civilians and soldiers alike. Soren examined each body, and when he was certain none of them belonged to Ike, he took food and money from the village and set off in the direction of Crimea, since it was a country of beorc. 

While traversing Gallia’s forests, Soren encountered many beast tribe laguz, and he trembled in fear, but after a time realized that they never once attacked him–once they saw him, they would seem to notice something about him, then fix him with a cold stare like he was something filthy, before acting acting like they had not seen him and leaving. These actions froze Soren’s heart even more than attacking him because they made him feel like he should not exist. He began to hate the laguz even more than he hated the beorc.

In Crimea, Soren went to the first church he saw, where the people there once again mistook his Brand for the mark of a Spirit Charmer and took him in and cared for him for a time. Once Soren had learned how to speak and behave relatively normally, he wandered Crimea for many years. Along the way, he noticed at some point that he was not aging normally (a sign of his laguz blood), but did not know what to make of this. At last he found Ike again, now in his teenage years. Ike was the son of Greil, commander of the Greil Mercenaries. Greil allowed Soren to join the group as a staff officer, where he became the primary strategist, tactician, and budget manager of the group. 

Throughout the story, Soren is a major character portrayed as invaluable but deeply flawed. He is unpopular in-universe due to his tendency toward brutal honesty, and it often falls upon him to tell the truth no one wants to hear, but everyone needs to. He doesn't care much, since he is used to being far more than unpopular, and as long as Ike likes him and finds him useful, that's all that matters to him. He is diligent, brave, intelligent, and unfailingly loyal. However, he also is prejudiced against laguz characters, and only tries to be polite around them because it's what Ike wants. Soren's secrets come out in a few optional scenes throughout the story, giving Ike and the player more understanding of his personality. 

In the end, it's unclear how much hope there is for Soren to find his place in the world. It is revealed that the reason for the taboo against interracial relationships--that the goddess disapproves--was a lie, but it will take time and effort to change the public's mind. Soren does become friendlier with others over the course of the story, but it seems it's only because he's secure in his belief that he'll always have Ike, even if someone else turns on him. His ending, depending on the player's actions, either has him accompany Ike on his journey to lands unknown, or doesn't state what happened to him other than he refused to work for anyone other than Ike. The fact that he will stay young while Ike grows old and dies, leaving Soren alone, is not addressed.

Issues: The fact that Soren's whole story is a tragedy from start to finish does not always go unnoticed. Of course, the history of abuse is necessary to have an abuse survivor character, and he manages to find a family in Ike, but "fridge logic" leaves you realizing that it won't last. He can be accused of being a "satellite character" who doesn't make much of a meaningful connection with anyone but Ike. However this is really a problem mostly in localized versions of the game; in the original Japanese language, he is nowhere near as harsh when he speaks to other characters sharing his biracial status, such as Stefan and Micaiah. Stefan, if he survives the game, creates a country for people like them, while Micaiah survives and becomes queen no matter what, so Soren could connect with them following Ike's death. Another criticism is that Soren is just too rude and mean to be likeable, but it's important to remember that Soren genuinely has no idea how to be nice, or why he should bother when most people in his life haven't bothered being nice to him. This is another localization issue; it's a lot easier to be subtly rude in the Japanese language, so Soren being "innocently insensitive" is a lot more believable while still being offensive, whereas in English he has to be more aggressive to be considered rude. It's actually not a bad way of localizing the character since the concept doesn't exist in English and the notion of an abuse survivor becoming so bitter that they are lashing back out at the world is still believable. Either way, Soren's lack of care has seriously impaired him.

Although, though it does not relate to Soren directly, the continuity he's from (Fire Emblem Tellius) has bad representation in the form of an addict character who is portrayed insensitively and unrealistically, and at times seems to push the "misery builds character" aesop. 

*Note: *While the issues he deals with presently are vague, in his backstory he suffered from selective mutism. 

Soren can also be considered biracial. This depends on how you classify this--while his abuse comes from his biracial status, the two races he has heritage from are fictional. So while he is a representation of a possible biracial experience, he is not actually a representation of a real-world racial status

Thanks to anon for the write-up!

[keiratheraven]

Bentley 8 (Im-Perfection), the asylum squad.

New sims fanfiction by me, using my favorite sims from sims 2.

A squad named Bentley 8 with mentally (or physically) ill eight members : Angela and Lilith Pleasant, Dustin Broke, Dirk Dreamer, Johnny Smith, Ophelia Nigmos, Ripp Grunt, and Puck Summerdream. Each of them has their stories which caused them to suffer mental illness. They all met and living in the same house in SimCity. They named themselves "Bentley 8" because they like Bentley cars, especially Bentley eight classic. They built strong friendships, love stories and hookups. Two of them are psychiatric resident and clinical psychology student. They established a mental health community named Im-Perfection, fighting against stigma of mental illness. They also always supporting each other when they are sick.

Angela Pleasant (20), has bulimia and endometriosis. She is the clinical psychology student. She was the cheerleader captain and queen bee at once of her high school, so she was obsessed to be skinny with many ways and it's hard to change the old habit (purging) for her. Despite her stuck up image, actually she thinks she'll never be "good enough". After she graduated with a bachelor degree in psychology from Sim State University at age 19, she took master's degree in clinical psychology. She tried to have a baby many times with her longtime boyfriend, Dustin, but they always failed due to Angela's endometriosis and anorexic body. She often faints or passes out when she's on her period. Then, she found out that she's infertile.

Lilith Pleasant (20), Angela's twin sister, has type 1 bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. It caused by their parents (Daniel and Mary-Sue Pleasant) mistreating Lilith and favored Angela. They're always thinking that Lilith is the black sheep of their family. She's in her junior year in Sim State University, majoring in fine arts. She suffers from mood swings (manic and depression), has impulsivity problems and she likes to harm herself with a cutter, so she hides the scars with many tattoos. She has on and off again relationship with her longtime boyfriend, Dirk. She's also an amateur rock singer and guitarist.

Dustin Broke (22), has schizophrenia, impulse control problems and addiction disorder. He's Angela's boyfriend who is a criminal. But, actually Dustin is a good guy. His father, Skip Broke, died in a pool accident when he was a child. Later, his mother, Brandi Broke, became an alcoholic who always beat him after police caught him stealing many times in his teenage years. Then, he became a drug/alcohol addict and dealer at once. The drugs and trauma caused him to suffer mental illness. He suffers from delusions and hallucinations, and sometimes his mind is cut off from reality. He dropped out from Foxbury Institute on villainy major due to mental illness and addiction. Sometimes he likes to take dumpster dive as well.

Dirk Dreamer (21), the only mentally healthy in this group, has type 1 diabetes. He is the psychiatric resident among them. He's a genius and graduated at age 19 from Sims University on Science and Medicine major, then he took psychiatry specialization. He wants to become a psychiatrist to cure his on and off girlfriend, Lilith Pleasant. He's trying to become a good psychiatric resident, despite his diabetes is always bothering him. He needs insulin and gets very thirsty everyday, and sometimes his glucose level is 600 meanwhile the normal limit is 150.

Johnny Smith (23), the only one with green skin among them (and their leader of the gang at once), has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's because he got beaten up, and stabbed on abdomen at age 18 by nine people due to hate crime against aliens, and they threw him to the dumpster. He survived although he was in coma for 5 days. He graduated from La Fiesta Tech on economics major. Now he's a successful young executive and he likes to practice martial arts, but he just can't forget the wound, the germs, and the trauma. He often get nightmares and waking up screaming from his sleep.

Ophelia Nigmos (22), Johnny's girlfriend, has anxiety disorder and paranoid personality disorder caused by the ghosts of her old haunted house. She also has asthma. Her alleged murderer aunt who killed them, Olive Specter, died when she was in freshman year. She's a worrywart, always fidgeting, and sometimes has panic attack that triggers her asthma. She graduated from La Fiesta Tech on literature major. Now she works as a kindergarten teacher. She wants to become a successful blogger. She's the admin and writer of their Im-Perfection website.

Ripp Grunt (21), has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and gastritis. Despite his couch potato trait, it's difficult for him just to focus on one task, including watching TV because he's easily got distracted by little things. He doesn't get along with his father, General Buzz Grunt, and his older brother, Tank Grunt because they abused him. He's now in senior year at University of Britechester, majoring in drama. He's so hyperactive and talkative. He's always jumping on couch or bed. He can't control his manner or actions, makes him look childish. He likes to make pranking videos on his seven friends/housemates. He also often has stomach ache.

Puck Summerdream (22), has major depression and cardiomiopathy (weak heart). He got major depression caused by the death of his girlfriend, Hermia Capp due to shooting case at Academie Le Tour three years ago, and his heart problems as well. He graduated from Sims University in fine arts major. He's now a conductor at the orchestra. He often faints or passes out due to his weak heart. He needs medication everyday and gets hospitalized very often, but he doesn't want heart transplant surgery despite he's being the richest of them, because he's afraid of complications. When he gets depressed, he'll lock himself in his room and crying all day.

They fought a lot and not always getting along well, but in the end, they always supporting and loving each other. In chapter one, they spent summertime together: picnic and celebrating Johnny's 23rd birthday at the meadow, went to a karaoke box, fancy restaurant, lounge, movie theatre, and lastly vacationing at the beach on the same week. In chapter two, their pasts are revealed. In chapter three, six of them got treated at the same hospital, and the rest two of them confessed their feelings to each other. At the end of the 3rd chapter, all of them shared a group hug at the hospital park. Ripp is in love with Ophelia and Johnny, but he also hooked up with Lilith. Dirk hooked up with Ophelia and made out with Angela. Lilith also hooked up with Dustin and Puck. But their boyfriends or girlfriends are not jealous about it because they trust each other. Sometimes all of them also have threesomes, foursomes, and even orgy regardless of gender and their sexual orientations.

Their tagline is : "It's okay not to be perfect, and I'm perfect because of it."

[princesscatherinemiddleton]

My FIFTEEN SIXTEEN Forces for Change @duchessofostergotlands

I found this incredibly hard. Initially, I tried to keep it to “British” citizens and then I realised that would exclude Malala and she was the very first person on my list so I gave up on that. There were also two people who NEARLY made the list and they were on and off it more than I could count: JK Rowling and Phoebe Waller-Bridge. JK Rowling is a force for change and changed reading and literacy irrevocably. If she hadn’t defended Depp and if she hadn’t made that Twitter account, she probably would be on this list because I think the impact she has had on children reading is so understated. Phoebe Waller-Bridge was my number 17. She is changing the TV landscape and, quite rightly, is the driving force behind 20 of the Emmy nominations this year (Fleabag and Killing Eve). If she was 10% less posh, I think she would have made it.

1. The Silence Breakers: They were TIME 100 Person of the Year in 2017 and it was well-deserved. The Silence Breakers broke the wall of silence around the abuse suffered at the hands of people in power. It changed how people viewed Hollywood and opened the door for lawsuits and criminal charges to be brought against some of the world’s most powerful men.

2. Helen Taylor Thompson: A Special Operations Executive from the age of 19 in World War Two, HTT saved Mildray Hospital from closure in 1952 and turned it into the world’s first AIDs hospice. She also co-founded the Community Action Network.

3. Andria Zafirakou: Andria won the 2018 Global Teachers Prize, the first British person to do so. She is an Arts and Textiles teacher and Deputy Head of her school. She organises extra lessons in her own time (evenings and weekends) when children could come in and work if they were unable to at home. She runs classes on well-being and yoga for the children and ensures she teaches about art from the cultures of her pupils.

4. Together for Yes: The Together for Yes campaign successfully campaigned for abortion to be legalised in the Republic of Ireland. Ireland had some of the worst abortion laws in the world and women who came to England to have life-saving surgery while pregnant would be arrested on their return. Now, those women can legally have abortions outside of life-saving reasons.

5. Katie Piper: Katie survived an acid attack organised by her ex-boyfriend. She founded the Katie Piper Foundation, which raises awareness of the victims of burns and other disfigurement injuries, as well as campaigns for the treatment Katie received to be widely available in the UK. She has also created a lucrative TV career for herself, helping people accept their scars.

6. Doreen Lawrence: Doreen is the mother of Stephen Lawrence, who was murdered in 1993. She regularly campaigns for justice for the victims of racist attacks, as well as for reforms of the police and prison services. She founded the Stephen Lawrence Charitable Trust and was one of the seven specially chosen flagbearers at the 2012 Olympics Opening Ceremony. She is a member of the House of Lords and her designated peerage is Clarendon, Jamaica.

7. Susan Solomon: Solomon is a scientist who was the first person to recognise the hole in the Ozone layer and what caused it, something she did in the 80s. Solomon is one of the leading scientific voices in the battle against climate change and regularly contributes to the climate change Assessment Reports.

8. Nimco Ali: Ali is a Somali-born activist, who campaigns against FGM. She co-founded Daughters of Eve (with Leyla Hussein) after undergoing FGM as a child. Ali wrote a book, allowing women to share “shameful” and “secret” stories, and was a contributing author in Feminists Don’t Wear Pink. I don’t necessarily agree with her politically but that’s neither here nor there.

9. Munroe Bergdorf: Bergdorf is a trans model and the founder of night club, Pussy Palace. She is vocal about the issues faced by trans women of colour and campaigns for trans rights. She has suffered a lot of public backlash and has regularly been stripped from roles and jobs, not all of which have been fair. She opened the doors for British trans models.

10. Amika George: Amika George is a tiny baby an 18 year old, who campaigns against period poverty. She contributed to Feminists Don’t Wear Pink and is the reason secondary schools in England receive funding to provide sanitary products free-of-charge. She is currently campaigning for this to also occur in primary schools.

11. Priyanka Joshi: Joshi is one of the most innovative and important women in the British field of science and she is still under 30. Joshi has made some of the most vital breakthroughs in dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. It is extremely likely she will go on to make some of the biggest scientific discoveries in the field in the future.

12. Malala Yousafzai: She needs no introduction. Malala is far braver than I could ever be. Ignoring the whole shot in the head by the Taliban thing, Malala has done so much. She has opened a school in Lebanon for Syrian refugees and campaigns against injustices across the world. She changed the world as a child and is improving it as an adult.

13. Jameela Jamil: I didn’t think I’d have any crossover with Meg’s choices so Jameela surprised me by her inclusion here. As an eating disorder sufferer, a celebrity who continuously speaks out about the dangers of laxatives and air brushing and about the truth of celebrity images is important to me. Also, I Weigh might not have much of an impact on me, but I know the impact it’s had on others.

14. Majorie Wallace: Majorie Wallace is the reason there are mental health support forums. The Support Forum was the first of its kind and was created as part of SANE, the charity founded by Wallace. She initially focused on schizophrenia, before expanding the focus to reducing the impact of mental illnesses, improving treatment and care by increasing knowledge, and influencing policy and public attitudes of all mental illnesses.

15. Rigoberta Menchú: Menchú is an indigenous Guatemalan who began campaigning against human rights violations while still a teenager. She was exiled from the country in 1981 but she still continued to organise resistance within the country. She has a Nobel Peace Prize and still campaigns today.

AND 16. HRH The Duchess of Cambridge: My wildcard choice. A few years ago I didn’t really know about childhood mental health and I had never even heard of postnatal or perinatal mental health. It’s now at the forefront of my work and my career. Her impact in this area - particularly in bringing awareness to these areas to the public - is immense and, significantly, the impact it has had on my life cannot be understated.

[mentallyillmedia]

Mental Health Depicted Onscreen and in Literature

Here are some examples of mental health portrayed in films and books. I also tell you whether I recommend them or not. Enjoy!

Spoiler Alert. TW: DID, Rape, PTSD, Depression, Eating Disorders, Suicidal Behavior, Schizophrenia, Drug Abuse/Addiction

Psycho: This one is rather famous, I know. I haven’t seen it, actually, but I can tell you what it’s about because who doesn’t know what Psycho is about. Norman Bates runs a motel that a young woman goes to. She is killed in the shower by Norman, who is dressed as his mother. When taken to court after an investigation, a psychiatrist suggests Norman has a second personality after killing his mother and her lover out of jealousy. This second personality is “Mother,” who killed two other girls before Marion (The girl killed in the shower) and a private investigator. 

This is a film portrayal of DID, or Dissociative Personality Disorder. This is quite possibly the only way this disorder has ever been portrayed on screen; violent killers and criminals. It’s a harmful depiction but the film is highly highly recommended. If you can look past the psychological inaccuracies and enjoy psychological horror and somehow haven’t seen this film, check it out. 

My Sweet Audrina: I highly recommend this novel if you can handle the topic of rape, abuse, dissociation, and ptsd. This is a book by V.C. Andrews, one of her few standalone books, actually. This is a story about Audrina, a young girl who speaks of her dead sister called First Audrina through the book. First Audrina dies in the woods after she is raped and beaten to death. Audrina’s father wants her to have First Audrina’s specialness and puts her in First Audrina’s room often, sits her in the rocking chair and instructs her to follow his orders. She gains memories from First Audrina that frighten her and is never allowed to leave her house. 

Throughout the story, Audrina states that she isn’t sure what day it is or how long anything has ever lasted. She feels like her birthdays are scattered and her memory is spotty. If you’ve ever dealt with trauma, then you may already have an idea of what Audrina is experiencing. It’s a real good psychological book with heavy themes. 

Schizo: My favorite author, Nic Sheff, was introduced to me with this book. With Schizophrenia being my favorite mental illness to research, it was no surprise when I picked this one up at my library. The story follows Miles, a schizophrenic teenager, in the search for his kidnapped brother. Now, this is all from Miles’ point of view, so (if you visualize books like I do) we are seeing his hallucinations and living his delusions with him. Because of this, we are forced to be blinded to what is reality and what is fiction in Miles’ world. 

Is it accurate? I would hope so. It sure followed everything I’d read about when it came to the illness. Miles isn’t portrayed as violent or criminally insane, which is also important when you see so many mental issues having this portrayal. Nic Sheff has also suffered with his own fair share of mental health issues and has stated on the back cover of the book that he wanted to stay as accurate as he could. Or maybe that’s what I’m remembering. Highly highly recommend this novel.

Riverdale: Riverdale touches on a lot of mental health topics, whether we know it or not. Is it accurate? Not entirely. However, the portion I’ll be discussing, was taken rather seriously and was accurately represented (while still dramatized because it’s a TV show for teenagers). Cheryl Blossom attempts suicide in the first season because she is so depressed and overwhelmed by information about her brother’s death. She is seen giving her spider broach, something very important to her and is practically always on her in the first season, to Jughead as an apology for her reaction to the accusation that his father killed her brother. She texts Veronica saying she is “going to be with Jason now,” and goes to Sweetwater River in the outfit she last saw Jason in. There is a moment when Veronica calls her out on that icy riverbank that she seems to turn around and want to go back, however, the ice breaks under her feet. When the ice breaks, she falls under, but The Core Four pull her from the water and save her from drowning. 

Does Cheryl get therapy and proper medical attention after she attempts to take her own life? No. Does her mental health get worse? You bet. Overall, if you like teen dramas, check this show out. If you liked Riverdale but left the fandom cause the show went downhill, more power to you. 

Split: Yet another portrayal of DID. Its a movie I haven’t seen all the way through so I genuinely cannot recommend this to you if I have no idea if it’s good or not. A man kidnaps a few girls and his different personalities come out to torture and/or help them. Some personalities are violent, I believe, and some are kind or shy. 

In the sense of some or one personality being violent, I can believe that, but people had an issue with the discussion of such a controversial illness that is largely caused by trauma. I can’t really say whether or not it’s accurate since I haven’t finished it and only got to the part where the main girl with the huge eyes wakes up in her captor’s place. 

Literally any Lifetime eating disorder movie: There was a time where I was obsessed with eating disorder movies and could only ever find them from Lifetime. My favorite would have to be the one about thinspiration online, which I can’t remember the name of. Still, these girls in the movies are usually always teenagers, usually pretty athletes, and they are shown to be doing so well in life. Usually they are shown to be happy and outgoing girls. However, with a stresser coming into their life, they find themselves driving to be perfect for their competition or recital or to impress girls in their school. There is one Lifetime eating disorder movie I can think of where the girl is in eighth grade or something, and she’s showing obvious signs of depression. Her friends show her bulimia and she is transformed. One film shows the girl almost dying because of her diet to stay in the Olympics. 

Are they entertaining? Yes. Are they accurate? In a way, from what I remember, they are accurate for a certain type of ED patient. It’s accurate to the patients who have lived the life of perfection and happiness, only to suddenly fall down a rabbit hole. It’s a little over-dramatic for the sake of keeping audiences interested, but it can be accurate. I do recommend them if that seems like a fun type of movie to watch, however. Just search “Lifetime Eating Disorder movies” on youtube and you’ll find plenty.

Shameless: Addiction is the highlight topic in a lot of Shameless’s episodes. Frank is the comedy relief character with a love for booze. Monica is a Bipolar drug addict who abandons her kids. Lip gets hooked to alcohol. Fiona is addicted to chaos and, eventually, liquor as well. Pretty much everyone in that show smokes. It’s a show with ups and downs, showing as real of a poverty stricken life as Hollywood can muster, and putting real themes into a family full of personality and determination to get away from their parents’ messed up personalities. 

As for accuracy, it is probably the most accurate Hollywood will ever get to showing us mental illness and addiction while trying to stay comedic. Highly recommend. 

[hyenasnake]

Battle Scars

Happy Father’s Day! TW: Past Abuse, Depression, Self Harm Mention, and Mental Illness.

They say you can take the warrior from the war, but you can never take the war from the warrior.

While Scrooge McDuck was no warrior, he had seen his share of battles in his time on earth. His senses had been heightened from them, which is how he heard the door to the bathroom shut loud enough in the dead of night to wake him and possibly Beakley whilst the other occupants of the mansion slept through it. Normally, he wouldn’t have paid it any mind, as the residents of McDuck Manor tended to wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom or get a drink of water. But this time, a gut feeling caused him to rise out of bed and walk to the source of the noise.

He knew as soon as he saw the door to Webby’s room slightly ajar. Whilst Lena had been given her own room with everything she could ever ask for inside, she was nervous about sleeping on her own and preferred instead a sleeping bag on the floor of Webby’s loft. The younger duckling protested greatly about having her friend sleep on the cold floor, but Lena never let up. So often Webbigail would be found curled up next to Lena keeping her warm.  He looked in the loft where the girls slept and found Webby asleep next to the old sleeping bag Lena insisted on sleeping in, the latter nowhere to be found.  A light from down the hall caught Scrooge's eye. As he followed it, he sighed in exasperation  upon realizing it led to the bathroom.  “Curse me kilts! Not even two days back from the hospital and she's already tryin' ta wind up back there.” He grumbled under his breath, then mentally chastising himself for getting angry at his newest ward over something she could barely control. He heard soft sobs, hisses, grunts and rummaging as he prepared to knock on the door in case this was just an ordinary midnight restroom break. He gently knocked on the mahogany door, not waiting for an answer before pushing it open.

As expected, Lena was slumped on the floor in her nightshirt looking like a deer in headlights. She had been caught red handed rummaging through the drawers. Her eyes were filled with tears and her forearms still wrapped in bandages. Scrooge sighed and offered her his hand.  “Yer not goin’ ta find anythin’ in here to hurt yourself again, lass. C���mon.” Lena took his hand as he helped her off the bathroom floor. She looked down in shame, her feathery hair covering her downcast, tear filled eyes. The pathetic sight of her tugged at the old man’s heartstrings. Scrooge led the teenager downstairs to the kitchen.

This called for an unused teabag was Scrooge’s thought has he handed Lena a mug of tea. Lena took the mug in shaky hands. The old man sat beside the teenager with his own mug. He gave a sigh and put a hand on her shoulder. “Lena, ah know yer strugglin’. Ah know ye feel like yer holdin’ all the sorrows of the world on yer shoulders. Ah wish ah could take all that sufferin’ away from ye, if only teh see ye smile without a care in the universe. Ah know everyone else in this house wishes the same for ye. But part of the healin’ has teh come from ye.”  “No you don’t. You don’t know anything about me.” She grumbled.  “Ah know that ye act tough and cool in ordah teh get by, ye act like ye could care less about what the world wants from ye. But inside, Lena, ah know yer tired. Yer tired of all the people, all the sadness, all the fear. Yer scared of messin’ up, bein’ a failure, disappointin’ the people in yer life. Ah know ye wish ye could cry yerself teh sleep every night and not bein’ able teh because yer family would hear ye.” Something all too familiar to Scrooge passed behind Lena’s dark eyes. “I don’t have a family.” Lena said in a hushed voice. “You said you’d let me be apart of your family if I helped you get your family back. I didn’t do squat to help. They came to you on their own. None of you ever needed me. The only one who needed me was Magica and once she’d used me she got rid of me.” Scrooge thought for a moment. Lena had been turned back to shadow as soon as Magica was free, not having the chance to help bring the family together again. He quickly snapped out of his thoughts when Lena began to speek again.  “I’m just a failure. A burden. A bad influence. A lowlife. A traitor. I’m just some dumb kid. I should have stayed in the shadow realm forever. I deserve it.” Her hands trembled.  “Yer only dumb fer thinkin’ all that baloney about yerself.” He lifted her chin to look up at him. “Lena, Magica has always been a basket case who’s done more harm than good. But she did one good thing, and yeh know what? That was ye. Yer the only good thing teh come from that mephistophelian medusa. Ye didn’t ask teh be caught up in all this crazy mess, teh live such a life as a witch’s slave with no love. Ah know ye cannae get used teh all of this so fast. Believe it or not, but we have a lot in common.” Lena’s eyes were blinking back tears. “Really?” “Ah was just like yeh as a lad. Sad, quiet, broodin’, wishin’ ah could go teh sleep and never wake up. Teh tell ye the truth, ah still feel like that sometimes. Ah still have the same battle scars that ye do. It doesn’t go away, but it gets better. Ah promise yeh on my life. But it isn’t goin’ to get better if ye keep wishin’ ye were dead. Ye hafta make it better yerself, carve your own path. Ye hafta write yer own story in the book o’ life.” He cupped her cheek, setting his mug of tea on the counter. “As fer ye not bein’ a part o’ the family, well ah have a few documents that could change that with yer signature.” The teenager’s eyes widened.  “You mean-?” “Welcome teh the McDuck family, Lena.” The old man gave her a warm smile. Lena put her mug down, tears rolling down her face. Scrooge engulfed her in a hug which she readily accepted. He held her as she cried as if she were the infant she never had the luxury of being. She sobbed her thanks and apologies as he rubbed her back.

It was over an hour later when Scrooge McDuck was finally tired enough to go back to bed. He had sent Lena up to bed when she got tired and was slightly shocked to find the teenager asleep in his own bed. He recalled her words from earlier; “every time I close my eyes I see her. It won’t stop. She won’t stop hurting me.” She’d confided in him. But now she seemed to be the opposite of restless. Her breathing wasn’t labored and she slept peacefully like a baby, the first time she slept this well in her life. Scrooge tucked her in and fell asleep next to her, giving her most of the room to sleep. She snored softly, lulling him to sleep.

After that night, Lena began to sleep in her own room. She began to make a point of going out more to socialize, remembering to take her medicine, and asking others for help. It was still a bumpy ride full of relapses, nightmares, panic attacks, fights, hospital trips, therapy, and days where she felt so crippled she stayed in her bed all day. But at least now the young girl could feel a little better with her newfound family by her side.

[maddie-grove]

Bi-Monthly Reading Round-Up (November/December)

Playlist

“Fallin’ for You” by Sheila Nicholls (The Perilous Gard)

“Come on Over to My Place” by the Drifters (A Gentleman Never Keeps Score)

“Bobby Jean” by Bruce Springsteen (Eleanor and Park)

“Seasons in the Sun” by Terry Jacks (One Perfect Rose)

“A Sailor’s Prayer” by Ann Price and Marilyn Maltzer (Broken Wing)

“Winter Lady” by Leonard Cohen (When a Duchess Says I Do)

“Dance Music” by the Mountain Goats (What Hearts)*

“Sweet Talkin’ Guy” by the Chiffons (Jean and Johnny)

“Know Your Onion!” by the Shins (Lost at Sea)

“The Snake and the Bookworm” by Cliff Richard (Tempting the Bride)

“Everybody Loves Me but You” by Brenda Lee (Someone to Remember)

*I also seriously considered both “I’ll Meet You Halfway” by the Partridge Family and “Sports Analogies” from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. It’s a complex book!

Best of the Bi-Month

The Perilous Gard by Elizabeth Marie Pope (1974): In the late 1550s, grave, awkward Kate Sutton is banished to a remote castle in the east of England. She’s greeted by superstitious locals, shady servants, an often-absent lord, and the lord’s guilt-ridden (and hot) younger brother. Bored and irritated by all the drama, Kate questions the circumstances of the tragedy that haunts the family. I didn’t have high expectations for this book, which I bought primarily for the gorgeous Richard Cuffari illustrations, but I was blown away. Pope creates a sublimely uncanny setting in a surprising way, and Kate is a wonderful protagonist: principled, rational, and compassionate beneath her no-nonsense exterior.

Worst of the Bi-Month

Someone to Remember by Mary Balogh (2019): In her youth, Lady Matilda Westcott rejected Charles Sawyer’s proposal at the urging of her parents, who thought him too wild. Now she’s fifty-six, loved by her extended family but stuck caring for an unappreciative elderly mother. The marriage of her niece and Charles’s estranged illegitimate son brings them together again, but she never expects anything to come of it...like a total fool. This is a cute novella with compelling family dynamics. I also appreciated the solidly middle-aged protagonists, although Balogh presents them a little too timidly, like a mom trying to get a picky eight-year-old to try asparagus.

Rest of the Bi-Month

A Gentleman Never Keeps Score by Cat Sebastian (2018): Once-popular Hartley Sedgwick is languishing in the huge townhouse his godfather left him, shunned by nearly everyone for his sexuality. Then Sam Fox, a black pugilist-turned-tavern-keeper, tries to sneak into the house to find a nude portrait of an embarrassed friend. Moved by Sam’s decency, Hartley offers his assistance in finding the portrait. As I explained in my post about my favorite Regency romance novels, I adore this book for the way Hartley and Sam’s love story is mirrored and enhanced by portrayals of many other kinds of love, between brothers and friends and parents and children and neighbors and also one very homely dog. 

Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell (2012): Park, a geeky half-Korean teenager in 1986, keeps his head down and barley avoids outright ostracism in his poor, mostly white Omaha neighborhood. Eleanor, the weird white girl who shares his bus seat, is tormented at school and at home. They have no interest in being friends, but they slowly bond and fall in love over music and comics. What I liked most about this bittersweet YA novel was the ways in which the protagonists improved each other’s lives. With Park and his loving family, Eleanor gets to let down her defenses, while Eleanor’s boldness inspires Park to embrace his differences. I do wish that Park’s side of things had been developed more, however.

One Perfect Rose by Mary Jo Putney (1997): Upon learning that he’s terminally ill, Stephen, the Duke of Ashburton, freaks out and goes on an incognito tour of the English countryside without telling his family. He ends up joining an acting troupe run by the boisterous Fitzgerald family and falling in love with their adopted daughter/stage manager, Rosalind, despite the many reasons they have no future together. (Or do they?) This is a good, old-fashioned weepy romance that’s elevated by Putney’s serious attention to the theme of reconciling with one’s mortality. There’s also some extremely late-1990s New-Age-ish stuff going on, which sometimes felt a little silly but was still charming.

Broken Wing by Judith James (2008): When unconventional countess Sarah finds her long-lost little brother at a Parisian brothel, she’s overjoyed, appalled, and relieved that he was protected by sex worker Gabriel St. Croix. Grateful, she offers Gabriel a reward and insists he come to live with her and her family. This is another tear-jerking, charmingly dated romance; I felt like a teenager again, reading top-shelf angsty fanfiction. It’s best in the slow-burn first half, during which Gabriel must adjust to a massive reversal of fortune after a lifetime of trauma. The more action-packed second half makes great use of the unusual late 1790s/early 1800s setting, but it does feel hurried.

When a Duchess Says I Do by Grace Burrowes (2019): Widowed Matilda Wakefield, the Duchess of Bosendorf, has been on the run since getting mixed up in her diplomat dad’s clandestine activities. An encounter with scholarly Duncan Wentworth lands her a live-in secretarial position at his rural estate. They connect with each other, but how can love grow when they’re the object of multiple sinister plots? While this entry in the Wentworth series is not as incandescently lovely as My One and Only Duke, I’m still a sucker for spooky country houses, responsible-household-management plots, and sad early-middle-aged heroes. Burrowes is also an excellent writer, and I’m glad that I discovered her.

What Hearts by Bruce Brooks (1992): Sensitive Asa excels at school but struggles at home, thanks to his mother’s severe mental illness and his stepfather Dave’s emotional abuse. Divided into four novella-like sections, the novel follows Asa from his parents’ divorce in first grade to his first love in seventh. I liked parts of this weird, sober book when I read it as a kid, and I felt the same this time. It’s got brilliant moments, most involving Asa and Dave’s relationship, but there’s a lot of telling-not-showing in between. Brooks also can’t seem to decide on the time period; it’s probably supposed to be set 1965-1971, but it always feels like 1963, and you can only blame so much of that on the North Carolina setting.

Jean and Johnny by Beverly Cleary (1959): Short, bespectacled, and working-class, fifteen-year-old Jean feels invisible at her high school until handsome upperclassman Johnny Chessler starts paying attention to her. She’s thrilled, but her parents and sister warn against chasing him. I didn’t like this book much in middle school, but I revisited it because it occurred to me that Jean was a lesbian. Having reread it, I know I was wrong on two counts: Jean is unfortunately not a lesbian (she clearly thinks Johnny’s hot), and the book’s not that depressing. Jean’s no sad sack who’s doomed to a life of grimly chaste square dancing; she’s a legit snack who becomes increasingly self-assured and assertive. 

Lost at Sea by Bryan Lee O’Malley (2003): Raleigh, a Canadian eighteen-year-old, hitches a ride back home from California with some classmates she hardly knows after a meeting with her long-distance boyfriend ends in heartbreak. Lonely and a little disconnected from reality--she maintains the belief that her mom somehow sold her soul, which now resides in a stray cat--Raleigh slowly makes friends with her travelling companions and finds some piece of mind. Although nothing much happens in this short graphic novel, it’s one of the most authentically just-graduated-high-school stories I’ve ever read. I could relate to those feelings of fear and disappointment even in the face of exciting new possibilities.

Tempting the Bride by Sherry Thomas (2012): David Hillsborough, Lord Hastings, has desired Helena Fitzhugh, first-wave feminist and successful fiction editor, since they were kids together, but he’s always hidden behind insulting remarks. When Helena’s affair with a married man ends in scandal, though, she unhappily accepts David’s offer of marriage in order to cover it up. Then she gets hit by a carriage and loses every memory she formed after her mid-teens, which happens to be when she met David. Thomas always has an engaging style and deals with even outlandish plots in a sophisticated way, and her take on the 13 Going on 30 plot is enjoyable. However, it is rushed at the end.

[lookslikechill]

WIP Intro: Between His Fingers

➤ Title: Between His Fingers ➤ Genre: Historical Fiction, Murder Mystery, Romance ➤ Tense: Close Third Person  ➤ Status: First Draft/Planning ➤ Setting: Port Cassandra, Northern Coastal California, USA//late 1940′s ➤ Rating: 18+ for sexual content, violence, and just some heavy-ass content. ➤ Themes: personal struggle & growth, PTSD/mental illness, internalized homophobia, institutionalized homophobia, toxic masculinity, flawed/ineffective government/police, police accountability, familial relationships, gay male romance, secret relationship, murder mystery.   ➤ Featuring: secrets & mysteries - old city - underfunded police force - different kinds of romantic relationships - The Ocean & The Forest - car troubles - men being stupid - Angst(tm) - Passion - drunken nonsense - Everybody Smokes(except Miles) - And Swearing

➤ One Line: Two cops in late 40′s coastal California try to solve crimes while also being secretly super gay for each other.

➤ Summary:  

With state of his knee, damaged in the war and making it impossible for him to pursue anybody or anything on foot, Alistair James Sheep is lucky to be an officer with the Port Cassandra Police Department in the first place, never mind the anxious state of mind he keeps tucked under the rug.  He is unlucky to be divorced, a fairly uncommon status in the late 1940′s.  The matter of luck is a bit more complicated when it comes to the forbidden relationship he somehow managed to slip into with Miles Crawford, his very male crime-solving partner of almost two years.  

The modest city of Port Cassandra had not been the most squeaky-clean, crime-free place since Alistair had lived there, but a sudden spike of murders and arson cases has the city on its toes.  It wouldn’t be that much of a problem, if it wasn’t for the department’s outdated and old resources, lack of organization, and dismissive and ineffective Captain.  If that wasn’t enough, some of Miles and Alistair’s fellow officers seem to be more interested in causing more problems than solving them.  

➤ Characters:

Alistair Sheep(pov), 28, male(he/him); reserved & sharp-tongued, anxious & paranoid, mechanically inclined, introverted, detail-oriented, always the driver, great shot, bad at emotions and sharing.

5′10″, white man with a build on the narrower side of things, lean, very dark brown, wavy hair and a short, full beard, modest, blunt eyebrows, brown eyes, sharp/pronounced jawline, subtly bumpy nose with a slight curve to the left,  straight & alert posture/stance, tends to rest his weight to the left, resting asshole face.  

Alistair arrived home before the war ended, in 1944, due to the injuries that left him with a permanent limp and an inability to run effectively.  He doesn’t (refuses to) use a cane most of the time now, but most likely will have to give in as he gets older.  He and his then-wife and childhood friend, Emily, moved to Port Cassandra in very early ‘46 in a last-ditch effort to save their crumbling marriage, which obviously failed.  With the issue of his mobility, he joined Port Cassandra’s Police Department under the condition that he would always have another Officer, capable of running, with him when he was on duty outside of the Station.  

Miles Crawford, 24, male(he/him); gentle & compassionate, capable & confident, prone to singing, whistling and humming, a big picture man, the runner of the pair, can be too willing to forgive and lacks skepticism. 

5′8″, white man with a sturdy, thick build, bit of a belly, wide through the shoulders, short, curly brown hair, clean-shaven, wide-set dark brown eyes, slightly freckled, round face, thick, tapered eyebrows, small ears, nose small & rather rounded, standing stature usually squared but relaxed through the shoulders, expression open and relaxed on average, smiles often.  

Miles grew up in Port Cassandra, in one of the cabins in the woods by the beach on the outskirts of Port Cassandra.  He never knew his mother, and his father was neglectful, at best, physically abusive, at worst.  He left home at 15 and spent the rest of his childhood living with the PCPD’s second-in-command, Joseph Sawtelle, and his family.  He joined the city’s Police Department as soon as he was able, and Sawtelle acted as his mentor throughout the first few years of his service.  

➤ Links:

Port Cassandra Location Intro Valentine’s Day Special Playlist & Excerpt Excerpt - Startled FFF: The Move Character Aesthetic - Alistair Sheep Character Aesthetic - Tobias Rigby Character Aesthetic - Daniel Morrin Character Aesthetic - Alistair Sheep - by Farrradays Art & Playlist - Alistair Sheep - by cr0wfood Worst Tag Game Intro - Alistair Sheep Miles Crawford Character Intro Alistair Sheep Character Intro

Excerpt, Cont. Character List, and Taglist below the cut!

Content Warnings:  Sexual content, physical violence, gun & weapon violence, police violence (mostly cop on cop), unhealthy coping mechanisms re: abuse of cigarettes and alcohol, avoidance, repression.  Homophobic language & violence.  Abuse re: neglect, physical abuse, bad dads in general.  Also war imagery & mentions.  Murder, blood, and gore, of course. Fire, as well.  

➤ Excerpt:

Alistair rotated the wheel and pulled into the thin dirt driveway to the left of the shack of a house they had been called to.  The house  appeared to sink into the forest that surrounded it, the look of it was so raw, wooden, and narrow.  It looked like it belonged there, except for the glaring lights in the windows that cut through the twilight gloom.

It would almost be a peaceful sight, worthy of a postcard, if there weren't first responders hanging out on the front porch.  An ambulance in the driveway.  And now, the police cruiser he sat behind the wheel of.  In the passenger seat, Officer Crawford, Miles, was looking at him again.  Alistair straightened his back and cleared his throat.

"What?"

"Nothing.  You just, you know, you looked like you had something on your mind."

"I assure you nothing is ever on my mind," Alistair said without thinking, and scowled when Miles immediately looked amused.

"Sure.  Why don't we head in before they come looking to see whether we've died, too?"  He said, tilting his head in the direction of the house.

"That joke is in extremely poor taste, Officer Crawford," Alistair drawled as he cut the engine and popped the car door open.

➤ Cont. Character List:

Emily Castaldi, 28, female(she/her), Alistair’s ex-wife, and childhood friend, with whom he still maintains an awkward and erratic relationship. perceptive, clever/witty, independent, works as a housekeeper at one of Port Cassandra’s struggling hotels.

Arthur Pimento, old(60′s?), male(he/him), Captain of the Port Cassandra Police Department, he was a very successful, heroic officer as a young man and won’t admit those days are gone. proud, strict, close-minded, sophisticated, unwilling to admit he’s not as capable as he used to be, married with adult children.

Joseph Sawtelle, mid-40′s, male(he/him), PCPD’s second-in-command, doesn’t feel as if he has as much of a sway over the department as he should. tired, resigned/reluctant, quiet, bitter, married with two feisty teenage daughters, mentor and parental figure to Miles.

Gentry Sinclair, late 30′s, male(he/him), PCPD Officer, family man who just wants to be friends with everybody. bright/cheerful, asks a lot of questions, wants to know the people around him well, Ken doll attractive, married with three young children, he will show people pictures of his family and babble about them.

Daniel Morrin, early 30′s, male(he/him), PCPD Officer, cocky with an ego the size of Texas and not above bullying behavior to get things his way. selfish/self-absorbed, very big and knows it(loves it), takes up way too much space and gets way too close, kind of an asshole all around, picks on everybody(”jokes”), gets along best with Rigby and Sinclair. 

Tobias Rigby, late 20′s, male(he/him), PCPD Officer, served in the war and has never been seen with a woman he wasn’t related to.   extremely reserved/quiet, says very little, very blunt and straightforward when he does open his mouth, short/small but can definitely kick your ass, frowny & mysterious.

Conrad Fitzgerald, early to mid-30′s, male(he/him), PCPD Officer, served in the war but was a Prisoner of War for most of it. a bit erratic, brazen, talks a lot, boxes in his spare time, has been seen by Alistair entering and leaving underground gay bars yet to be raided, charismatic in a relaxed way, married without kids.

Rosemary Fitzgerald, mid 30′s, female(she/her), Conrad’s wife. like her husband, considered a bit odd, smiles too much and talks too fast, paints skulls, only seen wearing dark colors, stubborn, comes to the Station too much.  

➤ Taglist:  @livingdeadwriteblr -  @cawolters - @agnesfagen - @the-real-rg - @balletshoe-punk - @lie-hart - @phloxxiing - @teacupwriter - @newdivinities - @omgbrekkerkaz - @soul-write - @elisabethrosewrites - @cirianne - @ladywithalamp (ask to be added or removed!)

➤ Tagged: #Between His Fingers, #bhf, #bhf:wip

[carlesmeislife]

Esme Cullens Biography: Redone

@escullen and myself have worked together to rewrite Esme’s biography from the twilight wiki to better fit our collective headcannon. We worked to create a biography that is much more compelling to read and brings some fans a much more detailed bio.

I apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes.

We both hope you enjoy it.

Thank you. 

p.s. - thanks for all your help jordann 

Rewriting Esme Biography from the Twilight Wiki page.

Authors Note/Trigger Warning: This version is made of many headcanons, and is not PG or sugar coated like the original.

HUMAN LIFE

Esme Anne Platt was born in the early hours of January 1, 1895. She grew up on a 100 acre farm on the outskirts of Columbus, Ohio, where she had a very normal childhood. As a teenager, her playful, mischievous nature often got her into trouble. In the summer of 1911, At the age of 16, she fell out of a tree, while attempting to draw the roof of the family barn, and broke her leg. Her parents were upset with her childish behavior, scolding her, as they took her to the hospital. Since the local doctor was out of town, she was treated by Dr. Carlisle Cullen. He treated her so kindly, and talked with her, showing interest in her intelligence and personality, encouraging her to pursue her dream. He moved out of town not long after that, but Esme never forgot the kind doctor with whom she had gotten along with so well. Initially wanting to move west to become a school teacher, she was pressured by her parents to stay and marry. In the autumn of 1917, At the age of 22, in an attempt to please her parents, she married Charles Evenson. He seemed to be a nice person in the beginning, but she soon realized that Charles was an abusive man. He often drank too much, was verbally, physically, and sexually abusive to her; slapping her, threatening her, insulting her. She pleaded her parents to let her come home, unable to stand the undeserved wrath of her husband, but  Her family urged her to keep quiet about the abuse, and Esme had no choice but to endure it. Much to her relief, in January 1918 her husband was drafted during World War I, finally giving her some peace.

Esme enjoyed a happy period of time while Charles was away, but when Charles returned in January 1919, his abusive persona resurrected only a few weeks later. Despite the prohibition in place, Charles would obtain alcohol from boot-leggers, and he drank heavily, partly in an attempt to mask the horrors that haunted him from war. Esme always ended up paying the price. For months he abused her, injuring her severely, multiple times. Her blood marked several places in the house where she could not scrub it off. She began to think about running, and started saving bits of change to escape. Charles discovered the money, throwing it at her and in a drunken rage, beat Esme unconscious and raped her. Shortly after, Esme found out that she was pregnant. She didn’t want her child to grow up in such a dangerous environment. One day while Charles was at work, she packed a small bag, bought a train ticket, and ran away to live with her cousin in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Nearly in her fourth month of pregnancy, When Charles found her whereabouts, she fled again, this time to Ashland, and posed as a war widow. In order to support herself, she became a school teacher, temporarily fulfilling her childhood dream. The child was born in on January 19, 1921, only to die from lung fever 2 days later. Esme was heartbroken, and felt that she no longer had any reason to live, as she attempted suicide by jumping off a cliff, into the icy water. When she was found by two fishermen at the bottom of the cliff they took her to the local hospital. Her condition was so bad, that the medical staff didn't even attempt to revive her. She was immediately brought to the morgue, although her heart was still beating faintly. Dr. Cullen was working there at the time, and remembered her as the ever-so-happy young girl he treated 10 years earlier. Unable to believe that someone as vivacious and beautiful as she would meet such cruel fate, in a moments decision, out of fear of losing her, he decided to save her by changing her into a vampire. Her blood was so appealing to him that he nearly lost his control when he bit her a second time. He snuck her body out of the morgue and ran home with her in his arms, praying he hadn’t been too late. She was still for a short while until the venom caused Esme to regain consciousness. She was in excruciating pain but happy to see Carlisle again.

 VAMPIRE LIFE

When Esme first awoke from her transformation she was disoriented. She recognized Carlisle’s voice and the other man he’d been speaking to while she was, what she assumed she’d been, asleep. The pain in her throat was nearly unbearable and the light streaming in from the window was almost too bright for her eyes. Her senses were overly sensitive- the sunlight was overwhelming, the noises of the forest just outside sounded too close, she could smell things she’d never smelled before. Carlisle explained what happened and that he turned her into a vampire in order to save her life. He assured her that she was safe now, and that neither him nor Edward would hurt her in any way. Much to his surprise, Esme was not upset with his act, and she accepted her new life much easier than Carlisle or Edward had. Although she did take some time to warm up to both men, and was battling with several mental illnesses in the first weeks and months. Esme and Carlisle fell in love over the first year that she adjusted to vampire life. He proposed to her on a chilly, windy night after they’d finished hunting. They were deep in the forest sitting alongside a stream that had become a favorite place of theirs. He hadn’t planned to propose that night but after watching her wade her feet in the water and happily skip rocks, he couldn’t stop himself. Before he knew what was happening, he was down on one knee in the middle of the water. They got married in the spring of 1922 after a short engagement. They honeymooned at a secluded cabin in the Canadian wilderness for two weeks. The real challenge for Esme in her early years was the blood lust, and she lost control of her thirst a few times. Though she hasn’t slipped up since the 60’s, she has killed twelve humans in her time as a vampire. In time, Rosalie and Emmett were transformed by Carlisle as well, and Alice and Jasper joined the family, becoming her surrogate children, though Esme has a special place in her heart for Edward, because he was the first of her adoptive children. 

TWILIGHT - Esme first appears in Twilight when Edward takes Bella Swan to meet his family at their home outside of Forks. She and Carlisle are both warm and friendly towards Bella, and Esme welcomes her with open arms, acting as though she were already part of the family. This is due to her gratitude of the happiness Bella had brought to Edward. Knowing that her son had created a song inspired by his love for Bella, Esme asks Edward to play it for her on the piano, which he does. It is mentioned that he had already composed several pieces for Esme since she loves to hear him play.

The Cullens later invite Bella to play baseball with them, and she and Esme act as umpires. Before the game begins, Esme tells Bella a little about her human life and says that she is thankful that Edward and her have come to love, as he was her first and favorite adoptive child. She even stated that she had always worried that he would never find true love. When James's coven arrives, the Cullens try to pass Bella off as a vampire, but James catches her scent, and attempts to attack her. All the Cullens spring into action to protect Bella, much to the nomads' amazement. James' coven leaves and the Cullens return home, though James and Victoria have begun to hunt Bella. Esme swaps clothes with Bella, so that they could try to disguise her scent. Esme remains at home with Rosalie to protect Bella's father during her escape to Phoenix with Alice and Jasper.

Esme does not play a major role in the movie, and is seen only a few times. She first appears in the kitchen, preparing dinner with Carlisle, Emmett, and Rosalie, when Edward brings Bella to meet his family. Esme becomes increasingly excited once she realizes Bella has arrived (catching her scent, like the rest of the Cullens). She is seen again during the baseball match where she acts as umpire with Bella. When the nomads arrive and James attempts to attack Bella, the Cullen family spring into action and form a protective barrier between her and James' coven.

NEW MOON - Esme is seen briefly at Bella's eighteenth birthday which Alice organized; she shares an embrace with Bella and wishes her a happy birthday. Alice gives Bella a present from Esme and Carlisle, which is two plane tickets to Jacksonville to visit Renée. While opening her present, Bella cuts her finger on the wrapping paper and Jasper attempts to attack her. Edward shoves Bella out of the way to protect her, but she crashes into the table containing her birthday cake and a pile of plates which smash, and cuts her arms on the broken shards of china and glass.

Once Jasper is subdued, the rest of the Cullen family, with the exception of Carlisle, smell Bella's blood, and are suddenly ravenous. Emmett and Rosalie drag Jasper outside and Esme follows them, apologizing to Bella and deeply ashamed that she is tempted by the smell of her blood. Carlisle cleans and stitches up Bella's wounds and she leaves; in the living room, she passes Esme who is cleaning up the spilled blood.

When she and her family moved up North, she occupied herself with restoring a 17th century house in the forest north of the city of Ithaca.

Esme is not seen again until the end of the book, when she, Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie go to pick Edward, Alice and Bella up from the airport after Bella and Alice prevented Edward from committing suicide. She is very grateful to Bella for having saved Edward's life, and makes her son promise never to scare her like that again. The next day, Bella asks the Cullens to vote on whether or not they are willing to turn her into a vampire and let her join their coven. Esme votes "yes", and says that she already considers Bella part of the family.

ECLIPSE - When a rogue vampire snuck into Bella's house to get her scent, Esme and her family allied with the Uley pack to watch Bella and Charlie.

Esme is present at Bella, Edward, and Alice's graduation, and the party held afterwards at their house. After realizing that someone is creating an army of newborn vampires to destroy the Cullens and get to Bella, and refused by the Denali coven's aid, Esme genuinely accepts the Uley pack's willingness to join forces with them, as Jasper is an expert on newborn vampires, and teaches them how to fight them. While watching Jasper and Esme train for the upcoming battle, Bella discriminates Esme's fighting skills as weaker, compared to the rest of her family. However, she does show enough skill to handle her own opponents.

In the movie, she first appears in the forest while chasing Victoria with her family and some of the wolves. During the battle, she can be seen fighting the newborns with Carlisle as her partner.

THE SHORT SECOND LIFE OF BREE TANNER - At the end of the battle, Esme and Carlisle find an intimidated newborn, Bree Tanner, and offer her asylum in exchange for surrender. She agrees immediately. When Jasper tells them that the Volturi are coming, and that their protection over the newborn will cause them more trouble, Esme and Carlisle insist that they should do their best to help the girl and manage to talk him into letting her live. However, despite their attempt, she is still executed by Felix on Jane's command.

BREAKING DAWN - At the beginning of Breaking Dawn, Esme is present at Bella and Edward's wedding, and helps Bella to change into her going-away outfit after the ceremony and reception party. As a wedding present, she allows the newlyweds to stay on Isle Esme, a small island off the coast of Rio de Janeiro that Carlisle presented her with years ago, for their honeymoon. She grows close to Bella's mother, Renée, before the wedding.

When Bella becomes pregnant, with her and Edward returning to Forks, Esme sides with Rosalie and Emmett to protect Bella and her baby because that is what Bella wants, something that also affects Carlisle. She was not as hovering as Rosalie was, but she was there for Bella the moment she needed anything. She is affectionate towards Jacob and his pack when they break away from Sam's pack to protect her daughter-in-law, and she and Carlisle especially are extremely grateful for their sacrifice. Esme provides Jacob and his pack with clean clothes and food, and offers to let them sleep in the beds in the Cullens' house, though most of them would decline. 

After Bella gives birth to Renesmee, a human/vampire hybrid, Esme welcomes her granddaughter into the family with open arms and a fierce love, even caring for her while Bella is in the process of becoming a vampire.

In the first part of film, Esme gives a speech about Charlie and Renée, bringing their daughter into the world, and promises to cherish and protect her forever. While Renesmee is unborn, the pack prepares to attack them to prevent the baby from being born for fear of what the baby might be able to do. While the Cullens suffer starvation, Esme does her best to care for her family and Jacob's pack. She is able to stay well composed, as she is accustomed to starving herself; a result of her locking herself up for weeks after every slip up. As Bella's pregnancy nears its end, Esme accompanies Carlisle and Emmett in escaping the pack's observation. Esme gets caught and almost attacked by Brady Fuller and Collin Littlesea, but Emmett and Carlisle come to her rescue. They return in time to prevent the pack from killing the rest of their family, and then await Bella's conversion into a vampire. The birth of Renesmee and the success of Bella’s transformation breaks the tension between Esme and Carlisle, as they reconnect and bond over their granddaughter.

For Bella's nineteenth birthday, Esme and the rest of the Cullens give her and Edward a little cottage in the forest that they renovated. There is an extra room which Esme hadn't found a use for, which later became Renesmee's bedroom. She also gives Bella guidance about how to act human in order to prepare her for Charlie's confrontation.

Three months after Renesmee's birth, Irina mistakes her for an immortal child and reports this breach of vampire law to the Volturi. Esme is devastated when two of her children, Alice and Jasper, leave without notice, and is led to believe that they had abandoned them all. She and her family then gather a large number of vampire friends to be their witnesses, testifying that Renesmee is not an immortal child but a half-human, half-vampire hybrid. After a brief confrontation with the Volturi, Jasper and Alice return with another hybrid to prove their case, though they are able to prove that Renesmee is not dangerous, and the Italian vampires leave in peace. As their group celebrates their victory, Esme opens her arms to welcome Alice and Jasper back into her family. Once the threat has passed, the Cullens are able to return to their normal lives.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE - Physically, Esme is the oldest member in the Cullen family, being changed at the age of 26. She is 5’6’’ and is described to be extremely beautiful, to the extent where she reminded Bella of "the ingenues of the silent-movie era", and meeting her was like "meeting a fairy tale—Snow White, in the flesh": a heart-shaped face with a warm compassionate look, billows of soft caramel-colored hair, delicate eyebrows, and a small slender figure that was less angular and more rounded compared to the rest of her family as (she was changed not long after giving birth to her son. Her human eye color was brown. After her transformation, many of her blemishes, bruises, and scars faded, though several remained visible to the vampire eye as faint silver markings. They are mostly from her ex-husband, and one is from Carlisle where he bit her neck. 

PERSONALITY & TRAITS - Being born on January 1, there were fireworks off in the distance in the celebration of the New Year. Her parents always told her that was were she got her colourful personality from. As a child Esme was a curious, adventurous, and bright young girl. Her father hunted and raised livestock, so she was never afraid to get her hands dirty by plucking a pigeon for dinner, or mucking out a stall. As long as she wasn’t the one who had to kill the animals. Once or twice during her preteen years, Esme let loose a few of her father’s captured animals. As an adult, Esme is an extremely warm, kind-hearted individual who is gifted with the ability to love the people around her passionately. She has always had strong maternal instincts, which is why she is able to open her heart so easily to her adoptive children and Bella. This is due to the death of her first and only child when he was only a few days old, during her human life. The trauma of this event, as well as the years of abuse from her ex-husband, left Esme with extreme PTSD, anxiety, depression, stress, trust issues, and thoughts of her suicide attempt for many years into her vampire life. She was quiet, shy, nervous, and heavily secluded herself for the first few weeks of her new life. She warmed up to Carlisle and Edward quickly enough when she felt safe in her environment. She had many triggers in her early years, some which have faded with time, and others she still cannot handle. Most remind her of her abusive human husband; these include: the smell of whiskey, heavy footfalls, work boots hitting the wooden floor, slamming doors, and the sound of coins dropping to the floor; a trigger that was born from the events of the night that her drunk husband raped her after knocking her unconscious. Carlisle and Edward both respectively stopped carrying coins after she had a panic attack caused by the sound.

She was extremely nervous about her wedding night with Carlisle, after the negative experiences she had in the bedroom as a human. But Carlisle was incredibly reassuring and gentle with her, trying his hardest to not trigger any memories. Carlisle’s own nervousness helped comfort her as well. It was the only thing that Esme felt she had the slight advantage due to having more sexual experience than Carlisle. 

Esme is described as being as intelligent as her husband, and a very kind and gentle person. The people around her are genuinely drawn toward her gentle personality.

Esme is also very creative and artistic and enjoys renovating old properties. Throughout her years as a vampire, she has studied and earned degrees in architecture, art, and photography.

POWERS & ABILITIES - Upon her transformation, Esme did not develop any special talents like Edward's telepathy, Alice's ability to see the future or Jasper's ability to control emotions. However, her ability to show passionate love to the people around her was enhanced (as with all emotions after the transformation) and this has become her most prominent feature throughout the series.

Bella comments in Eclipse that Esme is not as skilled at fighting as Jasper, Edward or Alice. This is probably due to her loving nature - meaning she most likely hasn't had to fight much in her life. However, Esme should not be underestimated in battle, as Eclipse showed she is more than capable of fighting if needs be. Esme, along with the other Cullens managed to fight off an entire army of newborn vampires created by Victoria and survived.

OCCUPATION - Esme is not employed like her husband but, as a very creative and artistic person, she works as an architect and enjoys restoring old houses both for her family to keep, and to sell when she has fixed them. Esme is an incredibly talented artist- she donates a number of sketches and paintings to different museums and galleries all over the country under false names. In New Moon, Alice tells Bella that Esme has been restoring a 17th century house in the forest north of Ithaca, and in Breaking Dawn, she restores a cottage that's over a hundred years old on the Cullen estate for Bella and Edward. Her desk is said to be stacked with plans and blueprints. Most are of dream homes for the family when they move locations. She has built or restored all of the family homes, including the house on Isle Esme. She has earned degrees in architecture and art, and has studied photography.

RELATIONSHIPS

Parents - As a child she was curious, adventurous, and much too brave for a little girl to be, but also obedient. As a young girl, she would help her mother with cooking, cleaning, gardening, and sewing, and her father with feeding the few animals they owned. 

Esme’s relationship with her parents became strained as she grew older. She was reprimanded by both her parents for being “unladylike”. Her mother was much more caring and concerned than her father was for her, when she fell out of the tree in 1911. Both of her parents pressured her into marrying before she “ended up as a spinster”, and they discouraged her “foolish” dreams of moving out west to become a teacher. 

Her mother urged her to stay quiet about the abuse that Charles was putting her through, while her father told her harshly to stop telling tales and embarrassing herself and her husband. 

Though Esme had a great resentment and disappointment in her parents for not helping her during her human life, she still loved them, and was deeply saddened upon learning she would never see them again. It took some time but she eventually found it within herself to forgive them. She would never understand why they reacted the way that they did- she was a mother herself and would have done anything to help her son, would do anything to help her vampire children. 

Charles Evenson - In Esme's human life, she was married to Charles Evenson. All of her friends had already married, and her parents encouraged her to marry Charles, who was a family friend and had good prospects. She agreed to the marriage only to please her father.

He was abusive, however, and shortly before her suicide attempt Esme, then pregnant, ran away from him. The baby died soon after birth and Esme jumped off a cliff in an attempt to end her life. Her body was taken to the hospital morgue though her heart was still beating, and Carlisle Cullen found her and turned her into a vampire

She resented Charles and what he did to her for years after, but her loving and kind nature made it impossible for her to seek any type of revenge on him, unlike her adopted daughter Rosalie later did to her own abusers. Esme was determined to move past the pain Charles inflicted on her and sought out happiness in her new life. 

Esme had conflicted emotions towards Charles death when Edward returned home, and admitted to killing him as his first victim, in 1927. She was upset with Edward for going anywhere near her past life after expressing earlier on that she did not want either men to go after him. She hadn’t wanted Charles’ darkness anywhere near her boys whom she saw as the picture of goodness. However, she had to admit to herself that she was glad he was dead and could not inflict the same pain on any other woman.

Esme never told Charles about her pregnancy, fearing that if he found her, he would have the power to take the child from her after it was born. He only learned what happened to his wife and child right before his own death, as Edward tortured him slowly.

Carlisle - Carlisle Cullen is Esme's second husband, and the man of her dreams. He is also her creator. They first met in 1911 when Carlisle treated Esme's broken leg after she fell from a tree. The two clearly left a strong impression on each other - Esme found no other man who measured up to him, and Carlisle’s affection for her was strong enough that he turned her into a vampire when he found her dying in a morgue, after a suicide attempt following the loss of her newborn child in 1921. During the transformation, Esme wasn't sure if she was in heaven or in hell, but was nevertheless grateful for the chance to meet Carlisle again. She could hear both Carlisle and Edward talking to her during her transformation, and only wanted to escape the burning fire to see Carlisle. After he explained to her about what he had done, he expected her to be furious; to his surprise, she took the news quite well, and it did not take long before they were married.

The relationship between Carlisle and Esme is built on a strong spiritual and intellectual bond, aided by their intense love for each other. Esme has never regretted becoming a vampire as she is able to spend eternity with someone whom she loves, and Carlisle's own love for her has never diminished. Being a vampire has given her a freedom that was something out of her wildest dreams. While Rosalie and Edward at times resented Carlisle for changing them, Esme thanked him numerous times; something that Carlisle often asked her not to do. She did not blame him, but there was a part of him that felt guilty for damning her to immortality. Their marriage became strained when Edward rebelled against Carlisle’s way of life in 1927 and did not improve until a few months after their son left. Edward’s departure hurt, but the two of them learned a great deal from their first marital disagreement. When Edward returned in 1931, he noticed that the couple seemed to be even closer. It was as if they had somehow acquired his telepathy when it came to each other. Their relationship also took a hit again when Bella’s pregnancy drove a wedge between them; with Esme opting to protect her daughter-in-law and the baby, while Carlisle sided with Edward, both in fear of the pregnancy costing Bella her life, and in fear of losing Edward in the process. 

Carlisle bought Esme an island in Brazil for their 50th anniversary, and named it "Isle Esme". It has become a very special place for the entire family, and a very intimate one for Carlisle and Esme. They’ve shared some of their very favorite moments together on their island.

Edward - Edward Cullen was Esme's first adoptive son, and was turned into a vampire by Carlisle shortly before she was. Initially, they pretended to be brother and sister, but after Esme and Carlisle fell in love she began to pose as his adoptive mother. They care for each other deeply and Edward hates to cause her pain.

Edward originally didn’t tell Esme about his telepathy, worried she would shut down, emotionally, if she found out that he knew how bad the abuse she had been through really was. It wasn’t until she had been with them for several weeks, and Esme began having feelings for Carlisle, that Edward revealed to her that he could read both of their minds, and hinted that Carlisle was quite smitten with her too.

Esme admits to Bella that Edward means more to her than the rest of her "children" because he was her first adoptive child, and is very thankful that he has found his true love in Bella. Throughout their years together she had worried that he would never find his soulmate, until Bella came along. Esme welcomed Bella into the family right away and treated her like another daughter. Esme fondly criticizes Edward and says that he is too much of a gentleman, as he told Bella that she fell off a cliff rather than jumped.

Rosalie - Rosalie Hale was Esme's first adoptive daughter, though it was Carlisle who turned her. Esme was always very affectionate towards Rosalie and Rosalie grew to love Esme just as much. Before Rosalie transformed, she had met the Cullens before and was very jealous of their beauty, especially Edward's and Carlisle's. Esme tells Bella that she and Carlisle originally hoped that Rosalie would be a mate for Edward, but then she found Emmett and they fell in love.

After Emmett joined the family, he and Rosalie were very passionately involved for several decades and destroyed numerous houses during their lovemaking, forcing Esme and Carlisle to kick them out on several occasions but always taking them back in after a short time.

Rosalie strongly resents her inability to have children, as female vampires' bodies cannot change to accommodate a child. She acknowledges that Esme, though disappointed that she cannot have children of her own, doesn't feel as resentful about her infertility because she has her, Edward, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice as substitutes to her lost child.

Esme and Rosalie were both abused by their human partners, so they quickly bonded over that in Rosalie’s first year as a vampire, and it was probably why Esme was so eager for Rosalie to join the family.

Emmett - Emmett Cullen was Esme's second adoptive son. He joined their "family" in 1935 after Rosalie found him being mauled by a brown bear and brought him back for Carlisle to transform him.

Although Emmett can sometimes be a handful, Esme loves him as much as she loves her husband and her other "children". Though she had kicked him and Rosalie out a few times for ruining the houses that she and Carlisle bought for them.

In Breaking Dawn, when Bella challenges Emmett to an arm-wrestling match, they are about to use Esme's favorite antique dining table when Alice points out that Esme will be upset if it gets broken. Emmett agrees, and this implies that he doesn't want to upset his mother.

Whenever Emmett challenges Jasper or Edward to a physical match that escalates to a real fight, Esme would get upset at them, repeating that she doesn’t tolerate violence of any kind in her home, even if it’s pretend.

Alice - Alice Cullen is Esme's second adoptive daughter. Not much is known about Esme and Alice's relationship, but Esme loves Alice as much as she loves her other children, and they are willing to do anything to protect one another.

When the Volturi come to destroy their family, Alice and Jasper leave Forks without a proper goodbye; Esme is the most devastated, going to the point of sobbing despite her lack of tears; thinking that they have abandoned the family, but respects their decision to leave. However, Alice and Jasper return during the confrontation with the Volturi with the hybrid Nahuel and a battle is avoided. Upon their return, Esme greets them with a tight hug.

Jasper - Jasper Hale is Esme's third adoptive son. Not much is known about Esme and Jasper's relationship. When Jasper joined the family, Esme had a hard time accepting him at first after learning of his involvement with the Confederate Army. But she pushed the resentful feelings aside to avoid conflict within the family, and losing Alice, as she took a liking to the young vampire quickly. But Esme loves him as much as she loves her other children, and they are willing to do anything to protect one another.  

When the Volturi come to destroy their family, Alice and Jasper leave Forks without a proper goodbye; Esme is the most devastated, thinking that they have abandoned the family, but respects their decision regardless. However, Alice and Jasper return during the confrontation with the Volturi with the hybrid Nahuel to testify in their favor and a battle is avoided. Upon their return, Esme embraces them in a tight hug, overjoyed to have them back.

Bella - Bella Swan is Esme's daughter-in-law, married to her son Edward.

When Bella first comes into the Cullens' lives, Esme notices the change in Edward and is grateful to her for it, as she had previously worried that he would never find the kind of happiness the rest of them had. After Edward and Bella started a romantic relationship, Esme accepts her into the family and loves her as much as her other adopted children, which she admits when Bella asks to join their family.

After Edward and Bella's wedding, Esme lets them stay on Isle Esme for their honeymoon and renovates a cottage on the Cullens' land for them to live in with their newborn daughter, Renesmee.

Renesmee - Renesmee Cullen is Esme's granddaughter, and the biological daughter of Edward and Bella. During Bella's pregnancy, though it endangers her life, Esme sides with her, Rosalie and Emmett to protect the baby because she believes that Bella should be allowed to make her own decisions and understands her desire to have children.

After Renesmee was born, Esme comes to adore the baby like the rest of the family, even sacrificing her second-favorite silverware to keep Nessie entertained. During Bella's transformation, Esme would cradle the baby to sleep, while also sharing the experience with Rosalie and Jacob. She worries the first time that Bella meets Nessie, as Bella has only just transformed into a vampire and they are unsure of her self-control, so she convinces her to feed before meeting her daughter, as it will make it easier for Bella to control her thirst.

Jacob - Jacob Black is a shape-shifting member of the Quileute tribe and a close friend to the Cullen family. Jacob initially disliked Esme and her family due to the natural enmity between vampires and shape-shifters, but after an alliance was formed to protect Bella from Victoria's army, they were able to tolerate each other better.

During Bella's pregnancy, Jacob forms a renegade pack comprised of himself, Seth and Leah Clearwater. Esme is deeply grateful for their sacrifice and feels genuine affection for Jacob's pack, providing them with food, clean clothes and even offering to let them use the beds in their house if they don't want to sleep outdoors. She and Jacob become even closer after he imprinted on Renesmee, and it is implied that he has also been accepted as part of the family.

In Book 2 of Breaking Dawn, Jacob mentions that Esme's hospitality reminds him of his own mother.

[diego-hargreeve2]

light in the dark

Part Four 

Fandom: The Umbrella Academy (Netflix)

Ship: Diego Hargreeves x Original Character

Warnings: Language, abuse (emotional and physical), mental illness, violence and, in later chapters, smut.

“How long have you lived here?”

It was Eve’s third visit to the basement boiler room Diego called a home, and she was helping – or attempting to help – him sharpen and clean the knives he wore. The conversation starter was primarily a way to distract herself from the fact that she was cleaning the steel of crusted blood that had once belonged to people and somehow, even knowing that they were criminals who had been out to cause pain, that felt weird. The only blood she had experience with was her own, which didn’t bother her in the slightest, and so she had assumed she was sufficiently strong stomached to cope – but whilst she certainly hadn’t fainted, Eve wasn’t exactly loving the blood aspect of the job.

“Three years now” he answered, inspecting the knives she had finished, his movements almost reverent as he studied the steel and put them away. Contrary to what some people might have thought he was not so attached to the harness or his blades that he slept with them. At least, not with all of them – keeping a weapon close to your bed just in case is just good sense.

“Before that?”

“Before that I rented a place. You gonna ask before that too?”

“Sure” Eve said with a shrug. She knew Diego left home at seventeen, ten years ago. And she knew what he was doing now. The decade in between was a mystery. With a roll of his eyes he picked up the whetstone, the edge in his voice when he spoke again as sharp as the one on the knife.

“I left home to join the police academy – I’d apply for their programme before I moved out. Enrolled with them, had to do a few years of study first. Realised it was bullshit so dropped out when I was twenty. Found a job in security and rented a place for a few years but it still wasn’t doing enough to help.  I was already training here sometimes. Got talking to Al. I wanted to quit the job but needed the pay. We figured out a deal, I stay here and do maintenance and cleaning around the place. Gave me my nights back so I could help deal with shitheads. That’s the whole story – happy?”.

Leaning forward she held out the knife in her hand, handle first toward him, waiting till he lifted his gaze first to it and then to her face. She sat in the chair cross legged, whilst he was on the floor, and it was an odd feeling to be looking down at him for once.

“I figured it might give me some tips” Eve told him gently, watching the tension around his shoulders ease at the explanation. Handing over the knife so he could critique her work she sat back up straight and reached for another, but her gaze stayed on him for a moment longer, using the time that he was focused elsewhere to study him before he looked up to speak and she acted busy.

“You want to rent somewhere” he said, his tone calm again.

“You think I live in homeless shelters as a fun lifestyle choice?” she asked. The more comfortable she grew with Diego, the more she was learning the banter, the way he used humour and the way she could match it – and he chuckled, appreciating this developing wit. When he first met Eve, she seemed so shy, and he had figured out that she was ignorant in some ways of the world and prone to slipping back into feeling socially awkward but seeing there was more to her then that was a development he enjoyed. He no longer checked in on her as a begrudging act as pity, as it had been when he returned initially.

“Hey, say it like its crazy, but you’re the first volunteering to leave that place and be back outside” he pointed out, balancing the dagger she had given him on the palm of his hand before nodding, satisfied with the edge Eve had given it. “So c’mon – I shared. Your turn”. Reaching up he took the dagger she was working on to steal her distraction tool. With a sign, she looked down at her now empty hands before beginning – the bitter tone of her voice betraying the influence he was having on her already in their friendship.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore. Because of being born out of nowhere – my whole life they treated me…like they expected I would turn into Satan if anyone turned their back for a moment. I thought…I thought I could try and show them it wasn’t true. For years. I tried – so hard”. Her voice cracked on those words. She had truly tried. Eve had spent as much time as anyone praying, had done all she could to be a model child within the guidelines laid down within – and the Sanctified Brethren of the Special Emissary, as they were named by their ‘leader,’ kept strict rules – and it had never ever been enough.

“They call everyone other than themselves unclean. That’s why they avoid the outside world so much. But sometimes family members came to try and get members to leave. Sarah’s grandparents – she agreed to go with them.  I begged them to take me out of that place too and they agreed. Found me a place in a shelter for victims of domestic violence”. Eve was quiet, staring down at the bitten mess that was her fingernails, remembering that first place. The strangeness of being treated with kindness and patience.

“That was…seven years ago. I’ve been moving along the States. Boise. Salt Lake City. Boulder. So on and so on. I found out about the Umbrella Academy when I was in Omaha and then I deliberately started heading East. You’ve already made it clear that was a terrible plan – no need to rehash it”.

“Why didn’t you just stay out there? If they found you help and stuff”.

“Yeah, yeah, I know that would make more sense.  But I just - I didn’t want people getting close. I thought…I worry about this stuff. I’ve got better control now, but I used to start fires accidentally. Living on the streets felt safer – if I stayed there, I might hurt them when they were just trying to help”.

There was silence for a moment, Eve staring at her bitten fingernails, Diego looking at the knife he turned around and around in his fingers idly.

“I don’t buy it” he said abruptly, gripping the knife and stopping its circling as he looked up. “That’s not why you kept moving” he told her. Eve blinked, stunned to silence. “You don’t do it to protect everyone else. You do it to protect yourself, Evie. So nobody ever gets close. Putting down roots would make you vulnerable, so you avoid it”.

There was a beat of silence, then Eve tipped her head.

“If that’s true…you only know it because you do the same thing, Diego”.

“Yeah, well. Shitty childhoods will do that to you. You think you’d have come out the Academy normal if the old man found you?”

“You think you’d have turned out normal raised as an omen of the Apocalypse in a religious cult?” she pointed out, raising an eyebrow. Two could play at that game and Diego seemed to sense that was what it was about to come, shifting and putting away the last knife.

“Our Dad just numbered us. He didn’t give us names, he had our Mom do it after he built her when we were four – and he never used our names”.

“I was named by the Elder of the Church for the woman who caused original sin and the downfall of humanity”.

“I was sold at birth; me and my siblings were purchased like novelty items. In a house the size of a city block, he gave us bedrooms the size of prison cells”.

“They made me sleep on a metal bedstead, locked in a concrete shed, from the age of five”.

“We were forced to live to a regimented timetable that gave us only a weekly half hour for what was deemed ‘fun and games’” Diego said, a note of confidence in his voice that he could match anything she offered. Smiling slightly, despite the morbid subject matter, Eve pulled her knees up to her chest.

“So that the Brethren could remain self-sufficient, we were put to work on the farm and in the fields as soon as we could be. Child labour – three-year-old slaves” she emphasised.

“To hone our powers, we were treated as experiments, forced to train daily and subject to constant observation”.

“The only education we had was Bible verses and basic maths so we could count enough to help with planting”.

“He risked our lives, sent us into dangerous missions whenever other people wanted. I got this scar at sixteen, and he told me to try harder and be more careful next time”.

“We were made to fast regularly, prayed on our knees till we were bruised and fainted, with no medical attention for injuries or illnesses”.

“He threw Klaus into a mausoleum and left him there with corpses for hours when he was thirteen. My brother has never been sober since”.

“Oh, so we’re not just talking us two? Our Elder stated God told him to multiply his family, that was the excuse he gave for marrying all the teenage girls once they turned thirteen” Eve said, the words spitting out of her with rage. Even before she left, she had known that was wrong, had been uncomfortable with his revelation – and since living she only grew more convinced. For a moment Diego halted, looking more horrified by that disclosure then anything else she had offered so far.  

“Shit – bastard! You were married?”

“No…I wasn’t worthy of his attention. Fucked up as that sounds, it makes me the only girl in the place who wasn’t a teenage rape victim. Still think you can win this game?” Eve pointed out, bitter – not from the lack of attention, but from the world she had been raised to think was normal and suffered in for two decades. “Or do we admit that with these childhoods we’re both losers?”

“Shit” Diego said, slumped a little, his lips falling open and mouth ajar as he turned to look at the wall. “Gotta hand it to you there – this game doesn’t have a winner”.

She had known since she read Vanya’s book that her childhood wouldn’t have been less fucked up if she had been one of the Academy, whereas how bad her background had been was news to Diego. For a moment both just sat there, digesting the sorrow that was their own lives, before he leaned forward and caught her hand.

“We escaped though. They might be dicks, but they didn’t break us”. Eve smiled, the expression clearing all the shadows from her face and she squeezed his fingers.

“Yeah. We did”.  

“So fuck ‘em. Right?”

“Right”.

He winked at her, the expression so full of charm she couldn’t help but blush.

“Atta girl”.

@lovinglydiego @klausbutgayer @reblogserpent @me125 @fatbottomedcurls