#there’s just absolutely zero judgement and they always keep me in mind??? I appreciate it a lot

[sunnibits]

love comes in the form of my family effortlessly making food accommodations for me btw. if you even care.

[your-brilliant-lady-m]

Part 2 - Basic Concepts of Miraculous Ladybug: Kwami

Kwamis are a fun concept and one of the main draws of the series. They make sense story-wise because, firstly, our characters need some support system. And since a lot of conflicts are centred around secret identities, characters should be able to discuss their double life with someone. As magical beings they could also be used to expand the lore, introduce new concepts and drive forward both the plot and character development. It doesn't always happen but Kwamis are a good idea. Some people who write AU's think that Kwamis are redundant, but I have to disagree.

Origins and nature

Where do Kwamis come from? What are they? It's never explained. Oh wait, it was explained in a comic people can accidentally find. You decide to explain the origins and nature of magical beings who are one of the key elements in your magic system and worldbuilding IN A SIDE COMIC, which has zero effect on your main story. Sounds legit.

Here it is.

So, Kwamis are abstract creatures. They can become tangible and interact with the world because of the miraculous jewels. Essentially, each Miraculous acts as an anchor to the material world for Kwami. They existed since the beginning of time and were invisible observers of the universe. Until they settled on Earth and observed how humanity came to be. This is where things get interesting.

Kwamis are the embodiment of abstract concepts. But, some abstract concepts were created by people (like everything mentioned in the comic: beauty, math, love, etc).

Kwamis wanted to help humans. And then, a human, who couldn't see, hear or touch a Kwami creates miraculous jewels. And now these beings can interact with the world, use their powers and grant them to humans. Yet, they are completely under control of their holder. I'll discuss it later, but why did Kwamis accept this deal? They are practically enslaved. At the same time they care about people and generally love humanity.

According to the wiki Kwamis grant powers because of "the privilege of having the ability to be perceived by mortals". What? Did I read that right? Kwamis agreed to be enslaved and used as a power source, because they wanted to interact with material world. That's it, guys, end of the story.

We also know these things about nature and abilities of Kwamis from the show:

1) need food, but only to provide the power for the holder;

2) can't phase through precious metals (Chloe's bracelet in "Rogercop"), their own miraculous and humans;

3) they can control if they phase through things or not – meaning that if they want to, they can (this way Tikki can stay in Marinette’s purse without much trouble and Plagg sleeps on Adrien’s pillow);

4) they can perform magic without a holder but they don’t control it very well, there are certain types of things that they can’t do without a holder;

5) they are immortal but can get sick for some reason, a non-magical reason mind you;

6) technology can't detect them in any way, you can't film, photograph or record their voices (writers establish this many times, but promptly forget all about their own rules in "Optigami", where Marinette talks with Kwamis over the phone without any problems).

If I missed something important, then let me know.

Look, the questions related to origins and motivations of Kwamis might not be very prominent in your story right now, but you must answer them in case you might need to involve these facts in the plot down the line. It's important to avoid contradictions in the serialised story with liquid plot, that can't be set in stone. It's a made up world for the sake of everything sacred! You can make up explanations and rules, of course as long as they don't contradict common sense.

Plausible ideas for origins and nature of Kwamis:

1) Kwamis are immortal spirits, whom humans accidentally summoned and bound with spells to Miraculous stones. They remember their existence before this. This version doesn't really explain their desire to serve people and love for humanity, however. It would be more logical for Kwamis to resent people for enslaving them. It doesn't explain how humans could create those spells and Miraculous stones either.

2) Kwamis are physical manifestations of abstract concepts who existed simply as fragments of matter for a very long time without sentience, until they were accidentally summoned through the Miraculous stones and bound by humans to serve them. Kwamis do not remember their existence before Miraculous. In this version Kwamis serve humans and love them because they have never known a different kind of existence. Unfortunately, it doesn't provide any explanation on the creation of Miraculous and spells.

3) Kwamis are gods, who created the universe with all its elements and concepts including humanity (similar to Valar and Maiar in Tolkien's Legendarium). They wanted to help their creations but discovered that their power was too wild and unpredictable for that. So, Kwamis decided to give up their free will and magical independence to help humanity. Together they created Miraculous stones for humans to use and sealed themselves inside. Kwamis as gods were abstract concepts, who didn't have a body. The act of sealing their power in the Miraculous gave them an opportunity to interact with outside world (an anchor) and each Kwami chose an small animal form (because humans easily formed bonds with animals, had animal companions (pets), small animals look non-threatening and familiar). Kwamis intentionally choose certain animal forms to suit the human symbolism. Humans later used magic that Kwamis discovered for them to place spells upon small gods (spells related to identity protection and so on). This version answers most questions, but if Kwamis are gods then powers they grant to people seem to be rather small.

Feel free to add more. I would be interested to hear your ideas.

Identity Protection

In "Origins" we learn that Wayzz can sense the aura of Butterfly Miraculous, a negative aura of activated Butterfly Miraculous, to be more precise. And yet, Tikki and Plagg are genuinely surprised to discover the identities of their holders in "Dark Owl". There are several things wrong with that.

Can Kwamis sense each other's presence? They shouldn't be able to do this to protect the identities of their holders. On the other hand, they are ancient spirits. So, their inability to sense each other seems weird. Unless it's the same situation as with the spell that does not allow them to speak the name of their holder aloud.

But if they can sense each other like Wayzz did, then it means that Plagg and Nooroo were living in the same house for over a year and nothing happened. I mean, Plagg could have just come upstairs, take off the brooch from Gabriel, while he is asleep and return it back to Fu.

This question lies right here, on the surface. And that's only one massive and very obvious plothole. How to fix it? Establish that Kwami can't sense each other for identity protection. In "Origins" Fu meditates on his balcony and Wayzz sees a charged Akuma flying by. That's how they discover that Butterfly is in Paris and the Miraculous is in the wrong hands. Perhaps, Gabriel akumatizes someone for the first time to survey the surroundings and general public is not aware of this. This works better in the narrative, giving Fu time to select holders for Ladybug and Black Cat. It also establishes whether Hawkmoth can remove the Akuma from someone without Ladybug and discharge it. Maybe it depends on the circumstances (sometimes he can, but if this person was akumatized many times or their emotions are too strong and their mind doesn't want to let Akuma go then Hawkmoth can't pull the butterfly out with his magic). This scenario allows for Volpina to happen on "Heroes' Day". Silly recurring Akumas like Gigantitan and Mr. Pigeon could still happen. In this case Gabriel didn't want to akumatize the guy more than 70 times on purpose. It just keeps happening against his better judgement because evil butterflies are automatically attracted to Mr. Ramier. This way repeated attacks of Mr. Pigeon annoy Hawkmoth just as much as they do the heroic duo of Paris (I did not sign up for this Nathalie!).

Let's come back to the spell mentioned earlier for a moment. Kwamis can't say the name of their current holder out loud, but apparently, they can exploit a loophole in the spell by confirming the identity of their holder in another way. The spell doesn't work with other holders. Kwami can say the names of other holders if they know their identity. That being said, can the holder order the Kwami to tell them the identities of other heroes if they know them?

Kwamis know how each Miraculous looks with or without camouflage. Can the holder order the Kwami to tell them how each Miraculous looks in disguise (I liked that Grimoire doesn't have pictures of camouflage for identity protection)? Guardians can recognise Miraculous in any mode (Su Han). Did Fu teach Marinette this? Does she know how each Miraculous looks like unactivated?

Oh! Since we are discussing camouflage, let's take a moment to appreciate the Mother Of All Plotholes. Plagg didn't recognise Peacock because of the plot.

Relationship with Holder

I absolutely loved the idea that Kwamis must obey their holder introduced in "Sandboy". This concept opens tons of plot opportunities. It's such a great idea that makes sense, has potential, can create conflict. Why, oh, why didn't writers develop it more?

Like, it was so good. It can be a great push for character development. This concept resolves so many existing inconsistencies within the plot. It's mind-blowing.

Why can't Nooroo simply leave Gabriel, so that he wouldn't be able to transform? Because Gabriel bound him with Miraculous to always stay near.

In "Sandboy" Tikki asks Marinette's permission before going to the meeting. Plagg lies to Adrien instead. This implies that usually Plagg's holders weren't kind to him or feared his power (Su Han's remark in "Furious Fu"). Perhaps, his holders were taught to keep the Kwami of destruction under constant control. So, Plagg in turn has learned not to ask, because if he doesn't ask permission then his holder can't deny him freedom with magic.

Can Kwami lie to their holder? Maybe they can't lie to their holder about their nature, origins and powers and other Miraculous (but Kwamis can't reveal the location of Miracle Box, Guardian's identity and can't confirm identities of other holders known to them in any way). Kwami would be forced to speak even if they don't want to. That's why Nooroo told Gabriel everything about the abilities of the Butterfly Miraculous and the wish secret of Ladybug and Black Cat.

But Kwamis can lie to their holder according to Plagg in "Sandboy". If Kwamis can lie about everything (including powers) then Nooroo didn't have any reason to be honest with Gabriel way back in "Origins".

Speaking of Gabriel and Nooroo. Can Kwamis harm their holder? Maybe doing so would harm the Kwami as well. Can they do it only when the holder is not wearing the Miraculous? Can Kwami take their Miraculous from their holder? Will they disappear if they try to do so? It seems like Kwami disappears only when the holder takes off the Miraculous with the intention of renouncing power, the words "I renounce you" are not necessary.

Other Kwamis can take the Miraculous from people if it's not their own (Wayzz in "Feast"). But what if it wasn't possible. Imagine what could happen if it's not possible to take the Miraculous by force from the transformed or untransformed hero. Just like Lady WiFi couldn't remove Ladybug's mask. A person has to willingly give up the Miraculous. Only in this case, it's possible to take it. For example, somewhere around the middle of season 3 Hawkmoth could have trapped Ladybug and Chat Noir and cut off any escape routes. His Akuma tries to take both Miraculous, but they don't budge. Then afterwards, every Akuma tries to manipulate the heroes using hostages, illusions or mind control. It's hard to say whether this version will be better than canon, but it's a fascinating theory.

You can use the idea of obedience to create more situations contrasting the relationship of Plagg and Adrien, Gabriel and Nooroo. I liked how canon created a storyline about Plagg learning to control his powers without a holder and Adrien helping him. However, why would you stop here? Give us some flashbacks about Plagg's previous holders, tell us what kind of people they were. Expand the lore and add some character development for Plagg and Adrien. The same thing goes for Marinette. What kind of battles did they have in the past? What kind of people past holders were? Did Ladybug and Black Cat heroes always get along well? Were they allies or enemies? Were they always lovers?

Give us more information about Butterfly and Peacock holders. Perhaps Nooroo has dreams about his past holders who were good people. Show us what kind of things a Butterfly holder with good intentions can do. Tell us more about Duusu and her past holders, sprinkle in a few bits of info about Emilie and Duusu's relationship, just a few vague hints to preserve the mystery. You have a lot of screentime each season and instead of doing filler episodes dedicated to love drama, you can use them for developing minor characters, relationships between them and lore.

[aena-blue]

The Power Inside

I’ve seen many ask me’s with the same energy, same questions. I hold absolutely zero judgement for any of it because I have been where you all are, and because I have been there, I want to help you guys get out of there.

So many of you are in the state where you choose to give your power away to others. Now these comes from habits that go far back, so it is ‘natural’ in a sense to each and every one of you. But I want you to know that no one holds the power of your life, only you.

No one can continue to hurt you now unless you allow them to, and no one can deprive you of love, only you can do. Now I know that this is a lot to take in and that a lot of you will read it, resist it and reject it. But hopefully it will at least plant a seed. 

If you want to experience love, you have to choose to experience love. If you believe that love is not for you and that love only hurts and bring pain, then you need to change that belief or else you will just keep experiencing more of the same.

You might want to confront me and deny that you have chosen hurt for yourself, but I choose to believe that everyone that reads this, knows deep inside that they did and also why. You can see the patterns in your life, the power you chose to give away, the importance you placed in other people, and how you allowed them to hurt you by allowing them to define you when that was never their choice to make.  Let me reiterate again that I know that this comes from years, years and years of subconscious programming throughout our lives so I do not blame or judge any single one of you just as I have learned to release judgement and blame for myself for having all of the same and different experiences as you.

Through the process of ‘awakening’ I want you all to awaken to not only the power you hold within but also the infinite love that exists within that is there for you all, at all times. There is absolutely nothing that you can’t accomplish, it’s just going to take a little bit of work to change your mindset, to reprogram your subconscious mind into only believing what is the very best for you so that you can experience the most beautiful amazing life for yourself in all areas of your life.

So I have said it before and I will say it again and I will continue to repeat it until you all do it with me: AFFIRMATIONS. Use affirmations suited for you and your experience, for what you wish to change or what you wish to see. Repeat, repeat, repeat them until they feel completely natural to you. If you keep repeating an affirmation it will sink into your subconscious mind and when your subconscious mind shifts and changes, you will start seeing this shift and change in your waking life, believe me.

Read: Power of the subconscious mind by Dr Joseph Murphy, if you are ready for it, it will probably change your life.

Edit: To add ‘continue to hurt you now’ to clarify as I do believe I may have been a bit general in my statement. Shit hurts sometimes and it’s not easy to not feel and react to things and people that we have given value in our lives. But it is important to not feed thoughts that keeps us hurting.  To further clarify I mean this text to reference adult individuals and not children after receiving a comment that interpreted my text to mean that children would or could allow abuse to occur, they do not, they do not have the capacity to consent nor make sense of what is happening to them. I apologise if this was not clear. This is one of the many things I mean by years of subconscious programming that may hold us back today (things we suffered and experienced in the past). I myself as you know made a video with Mirax where we talked about our experience of growing up with an alcoholic parent and the emotional abuse and neglect we both suffered as result as well as the video I made where I speak about when I was raped at the age of 16. I personally suffered complex PTSD for many years as a result of my childhood. I do not believe I chose that experience, but I do believe that experience instilled many wrongful subconscious beliefs of worthiness etc that I have worked on as an adult to correct and change. I was actually thinking last night of making a separate blog post about this to explain this as I’m sure this is a question many of you might have, but I figured it would be best to include the edit in the post itself. I hope this helps clear things up.

There are many other things that can be said about this particular subject but I will leave it here and you can email me or use the “ask me” function for anything that might be on your mind, or on your heart. I am here for you all, always.

Please consider supporting my intention art business in return for my time and energy by purchasing or sharing my shop on any of your social media, every page click helps my business grow and I appreciate all of your support.

You can get a sticker for less than $2 and if you make a purchase and send me an email to let me know what you bought I will happily give you a free 3 card reading for a question of your choosing regardless of the cost of your purchase! 🧡

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For anyone that feels so inclined I do have an etsy shop for readings or if you prefer I now also have an email where you can send requests for readings or for anything you'd like to share etc: aenablue@gmail.com. I will consider requests for conscious manifestation coaching via email, payments will be over PayPal only but the amount is negotiable depending on your own affordability for I am here to try and help <3

Much love and light to you all and to the universe 💛💜

~ Lady Blue

[syms-things-5]

Clear The Area - Chapter Two

Previous chapter HERE

Warning: Not explicit (yet); some mild language. 

Summary: 29-year-old nurse Sarah Bernette has worked hard to get where she is. Moving to Boston from a nowhere dump of a town, she’s studied hard and is grateful her stress is finally paying off. Despite being fostered repeatedly throughout her childhood, she’s since found some comfort in the form of her adopted parents, Jocelyn and Noah, and a pseudo-adoptive family of sorts in form of the Evans clan who have treated her as one of her own ever since she moved in with best friend, Shanna. Valuing them above all else, she appreciates their support even more when her long lost birth mother decides to reappear in her life after so many years, and is surprised to find out just how supportive Chris is in particular. As she struggles to maintain a firm grip on both her professional and private lives, she finds an ill-advised solace in her growing mutual attraction with him but how long before everything unravels and threatens to pull the rug out from underneath her?

Note: I apologise for my spelling/grammar errors. 

CHAPTER TWO

Sarah made very little effort to more that day. On occasion, and as often as she could, she preferred the relative safety of a self-made cocoon, with the excessive amount of pillows and duvet lying across her as she lounged on her bed, her wavy brunette locks in a messy bun. The alternative was a run followed by trash television (also one of her favourite guilty pleasures on a day like today) but both of those would have required her to get up and she didn’t feel like that just now. Even her phone telling her it was after one o’clock in the afternoon was enough to shame her into moving. The bedroom windows were as wide open as possible as was necessary for this time of year, and she slipped both feet out from under the covers to let the warm breeze caress her skin and envelope her space, calming her completely.

She must have fallen asleep quite early last night. Shan and Chris had left around 7p to head to their mom’s house, leaving Sarah to indulge in a much-needed shower before making her world-famous grilled cheese with as much as she could physically pack under the grill. She fell into a carb-induced come soon after.

When she woke, Shan had been making various noises around the flat, slamming a couple of drawers here and there before retiring to sleep. Sarah was too tired to check in on her to make sure everything was OK. Shan would no doubt fill her in when she saw her the next morning and they would inevitably catch up on each other’s gossip for the first time that week. Sarah had been working longer hours lately but as always, the first 20 minutes of the every morning was reserved for “Shan Time”; just listening to her vent for a little while. She never minded so much. It meant she didn’t have to pay attention to her own thoughts.

Today, though, she had a full 24 hours of freedom and was intending to make no effort whatsoever to move from her self-imposed exile. She had no plans; a rare treat for herself to do absolutely nothing.

Her laptop was open with numerous tabs keeping her entertained. She checked Facebook, spent 15 minutes on a Buzzfeed article about puppies, then read CNN. Always in that order on a day off. At some point, she’d stumbled upon a gossip article about Chris and Jenny and, against her better judgement, scanned the details. According to a “source”, it was lust at first sight. The pair of them hung out a lot at his apartment where he would hold his famous game nights - that detail she could 100% believe - and soon after she stopped her husband’s weekly visits to set. Her husband seemed quite nice actually, very non-threatening in his appearance, almost dorky, the complete opposite of Chris she realised which seemed a bit dubious. Indeed, Jenny herself appeared to be the complete opposite of who Chris usually pursued. She seemed nice enough, though, and an up-and-coming name in the comedy world. He mentioned her once or twice on the random weekends he would fly back to Boston for some down time during production. She was funny and outspoken. She was quirky too, both physically and intellectually. Sarah thought they might get along if they were to ever have the chance to meet in person. Nevertheless, she had picked up on a lot of insider knowledge thanks to knowing Chris over the years and could spot clickbait a mile away.

“I’m not so sure, y’know,” Sarah jumped as Shan climbed onto her bed behind her with a plate of toast and a fresh coffee in hand. She felt embarrassed to have been caught reading gossip about her brother but Shan seemed nonplussed. “About her. I reckon something happened and he’s burying his head in the sand about it.”

“Did he talk about her last night?”

“No, not really. Mom pushed it a few times and he got annoyed and left. Scott went after him, I think.” Shan seemed relatively blase about the whole thing as she sat cross-legged, munching on her toast. Sarah stole a mouthful of her coffee and closed the laptop, flinching at how sweet she liked it. “This is exactly what he does. He messes around and then doesn’t stick around long enough to deal with the consequences. He’s probably fucked up her relationship for good.”

“You don’t know that for sure.”

“Oh, believe me. It’s textbook for him. He just does whatever he wants to do.” She finished her toast and took her mug back from Sarah. “What was your letter about?”

Sarah’s attention was quickly drawn towards her dresser table and to the brown envelope she’d forgotten about, currently sitting there unopened. She couldn’t bring herself to read its contents last night with how tired she felt and she was good at ignoring things when she wanted to. It was an exceptional talent of hers. 

“I haven’t looked yet.” She admitted. “I just have this...feeling nothing good’s gonna come of it.”

“Shan’s heart pinched for her friend. “Do you think it’s that lady again?”

“i don’t know. Maybe. I thought she would have given up by now but maybe she’s gone via the courts. I was reading about it online and apparently, they can request legal assistance when tracking down a child. Regardless of what the child wants. Can you believe that?”

She could. Shanna had found herself in a similar predicament some years earlier. Indeed, when they first met, their mutual experiences had been something of a conversation point and there followed many, many late nights talking until the small hours, drinking wine and putting the world to rights. It was the first time in her life Sarah had reached some sense of resolution and understanding about the whole thing.

It wasn’t common knowledge but Shan’s birth mother had contacted her a couple of years earlier via some handwritten letters and a few photographs. Turns out her parents had been childhood sweethearts who fell pregnant and ultimately decided they couldn’t raise the child together. There was also an allusion to some religious reason as well but Shan wasn’t altogether interested by that point. She recognised how unbelievably lucky she had been and didn’t want to rock the boar for something that may or may not make her life extra complicated. Sarah also sensed Lisa was struggling a bit with the contact as well although, outwardly, she was supportive of whatever decision Shanna decided to make. Chris and Scott on the other hand? Well, they were not pulling any punches. Chris in particular took the view it was some pathetic attempt to absolve themselves of guilt.

“Do you want me to open it?” Shan offered bringing Sarah back into the room. In all honesty, Shan would have done a lot more. She would have called up the Adoption Agency herself pretending to be Sarah and telling them in no uncertain terms where to stick it if she’d asked her to. It was one of Sarah’s favourite things about her; her unwavering loyalty to the people she loved the most. Act first, ask questions later. When she’d first met Carly, the oldest Evans’ child, she’d pulled her to one side and said “You’re stuck now”. She hadn’t looked back since.

Sarah pondered the letter before getting out of bed and collecting it from the table. She looked it over once more before opening the seam. It felt thicker than yesterday and there was definitely some kind of booklet enclosed. Just as she was about to pull the contents out, however, the front door slammed shut.

“Oh fuck. Sorry. I got annoyed with Chris always ringing the goddamn doorbell all the time so I just gave him the spare key, “ she remembered, quickly sliding off her bed and dashing out of the room. Sarah was going to follow her, another few minutes wasn’t going to make much difference. Then, just as she pulled the letter out a few extra centimetres, curiosity got the better of her. There, in black and white, was the name of biological mother: Charlotte.

Charlotte.

It didn’t sound like an older woman’s name to her. You know how some names have connotations of responsibility and authority and wisdom, and ‘Charlotte’ didn’t seem like one of them. It wasn’t a ‘Joanne’ or a ‘Susan’ or even a ‘Lisa’ now thought about it. Those names provoked feelings of comfort and reassurance. ‘Charlotte’ was the name of a twenty-something pretty blonde who had thousands of followers on Instagram and zero obligations. ‘Charlotte’ drove a swanky soft-top her father bought for her 21st birthday.

She was probably being petulant while staving off thoughts of Charlotte having been a teenage mother who couldn’t face the pressure of raising a child at such a young age. What if she herself had lived a troubled life and something bad had happened to her and she suddenly found herself bereft with a new born baby girl clinging to life in her arms? Or, like Shan’s mother, had some overbearing ogre of a grandmother shadowing her and telling her she would go to hell for having sex out of wedlock? Maybe she had been forced in some way to give her up outside of her control. Suddenly, Charlotte seemed like she could do with her sympathy.

Shan reappeared in Sarah’s doorway and paused before speaking noticing Sarah had the letter open in her hands. She gave her a sympathetic smile.

“Um Chris is here with some beers and stuff. I think Scott is coming over to watch a movie. I haven’t said anything about... you know...” She nodded towards the letter. Sarah smiled back at her but didn’t want to give away much more.

“Sure. I could do with a drink.”

*

A few hours had passed and they had been lying around the flat drinking beers and shouting at Iron Chef, Shan’s favourite lazy day programme. Scott had arrived not long after Chris but dipped in and out to have phone arguments with his boyfriend, Zach. Zach was his first boyfriend in some time that was considerably younger than him but seemed to fit in well with the family. It was perhaps fair to say that Chris was slightly less tolerant of him and possibly wary of any new figure in their lives given how much more visible he had become now that he was a living and breathing embodiment of a superhero. That said, Zach seemed nice and cute and funny, and Scott was clearly crazy about him and had been since Day One.

“Trouble in paradise.” quipped Chris as he walked into the kitchen. The front door was slightly ajar with Scott on the outside of the apartment, pacing up and down the hallway. Sarah had been washing up and wiping down the surfaces following dinner. Chris leaned back against the countertop next to her. “I don’t know why they insist on arguing so much. It’s just flogging a dead horse at this point.”

“He likes him a lot. When you like someone, you make it work not matter how hard things get.” she shoved him to move over a little so she could grab the sponge from behind where he was stood.

“No, you don’t. You ignore their calls and texts until they get the message. If not, you leave the country.” He smirked. Sarah shook her head in disbelief, chuckling, wondering if perhaps he was only half kidding.

“Do you think they’re getting anywhere?” he asked. She knew he was concerned deep down. He couldn’t help himself.

“I’m not sure to be honest. I’ve heard “you’re not listening to me” about seven times.”

Chris winced, folding his arms. They were both now staring at the front door when Scott suddenly returned. Without thinking, they tried their best to look as though they hadn’t just been eaves-dropping on his conversation. Chris reached for the spray, almost performing a full circle in panic. “So, I should just wipe this and then we’re done?”

Scott threw up his arms. “Oh pur-lease you guys. You don’t have to pretend that you couldn’t hear that. I know how loud I was talking.” 

“We weren’t listening!” Chris protested, feighing astonishment.

“You’re holding cleaning products, bro. You’re normally about as useful around the house as a wooden frying pan.”

The kitchen fell quiet as soon as Scott has walked back into the living room. Sarah wished she could have snapped a picture of the stunned look on Chris’ face right at that moment as he stood holding the Jif. He turned to look at her, offended.

“I clean.” he objected.

“are you trying to convince me or yourself?” she avoided eye contact, giggling to herself. She could feel the mock annoyance radiating off him as he stood to the side of her eyeline waiting for her to move. They could be here for some time. He resorted to spraying her hair.

“Hey! That was uncalled for!”

“I’m gonna tell mom you’re bullying me again.” He put the spray down and flashed her an eyebrow raise. She didn’t know why but she felt a blush cover her skin in that moment as he whispered almost intimidatingly close to her ear, “You missed a spot by the way.”

“What?! Where?” She jumped and he laughed out loud. Realising he had been kidding, she threw him a glare and the dishcloth. “If you’re not going to help you can get out of my kitchen.”

“Oh my god that was too easy! Seriously, Sarah, lighten up. It’s only gonna get messy again in a few hours.” He playfully attempted to grab the sponge from her hand but she held it aloft to one side out of his reach. He enjoyed messing with her. It was something he did when there wasn’t a lot else going on and she recognised this, fearing this was going to be the new norm for her now he was practically living here. She’d have to put the lock back on the bathroom door for sure. “Do you think you’ll be retiring to you bachelor pad anytime soon? Some of us have to get up early in the morning.”

His face lost its boyish glee in that moment and she felt like she had kicked a puppy. He picked the dishcloth back up and proceeded to dry a few plates, placing them in a neat pile to one side. He peeked at her from the corner of his eye.

“How about I repay you with beer and household chores?”

*

Next Chapter HERE

[paperclipninja]

Younger post-ep ramble 6x09

After the very public outing of Liza’s real age last week, it was no surprise that this week’s Younger episode, ‘Millennial’s Next Top Model’, was all about the fallout. In true Younger style we were treated to some unexpected twists and turns, saw Kelsey take control at work and in her personal life and welcomed back my #1 mega-villain who I hate-love fiercely, Quinn Tyler.  This ep was written by Grant Sloss, who is responsible for a number of my favourite episodes and lot of my fave moments in the series and one thing I am always blown away by is his ability to craft character interactions in which the sentiment and emotion are really palpable (plus the one-liners are always top of the game) and we certainly saw a number of those this week.  Even though Liza is 100% responsible for the position she now finds herself in, my heart went out to her this whole episode and Kelsey, Charles and Diana’s show of solidarity right from the get-go pretty much sums up everything I love about this show. 

I need to say upfront that while I know this episode is all about Liza, it is hands down my favourite episode of Kelsey’s in the series. In a time of real pressure and stress, we see Kelsey step up in the role of publisher, starting with the damage control team meeting in her office. I have big feelings about this opening moment, in which Diana proves why she is an actual Queen who rises above past grievances and now offers unwavering support of Liza while continuing to have zero time for Zane’s bullshit (the ‘well mercifully they have a paywall now’ to Zane’s New York Magazine tidbit was all of the yes). We learn of the deal with Infinitely 21 (was it just me or did anyone else get heart flutters at the thought of Kelsey, Diana and Liza being their brilliant selves and brokering that arrangement? Just me? Cool) and I have spoken of my love for the way this show parodies real life things but this might take the cake. Alexa, what are synonyms for ‘forever’? I just adore that it is very clear that Kelsey is in charge and that Charles and Diana are offering up potential solutions (Diana’s ‘rest her a bit’ is so in character I cannot. Between that and Charles’ thoroughbred thighs from season 4 I fully expect her to have a couple of horses upstate somewhere called Charles and Liza by the end of this series), meanwhile Zane clearly still hasn’t caught on to the fact that these three are not going to throw Liza under a bus.

Enter Liza as he’s ending his tirade about her poisoning the company (and lbh, what he is saying isn’t actually ridiculous from a business p.o.v but he’s talking about the best friend, girlfriend and (old) maid of honour of the people in the room) and it’s awkward af and pretty awful and I want to climb through my screen, wrap Liza in a blanket and tell her it’s all going to be ok. Zane’s extreme over-estimation of his importance in Liza’s life continues when he tells her that what he’s saying can’t be personal because ‘I don’t know who you are’ (worth it for Charles’ ‘Zane’ reprimand though amirite) and as I said after last week’s episode, I can’t even count on one hand the number of interactions Zane and Liza have had so yes Zane, that is accurate and nothing to do with her age reveal. At least once he discovered that Kelsey has known about the lie he FINALLY has a reason to be hurt (maybe? Still a little fuzzy on this one) and look Zane saying they’re all insane might be somewhat accurate but everyone in that room loves Liza and I love all of them so I felt personally attacked tbh.

Keeping with the stellar guest star casting this season, Shelly Rozansky (played by Annaleigh Ashford) is every kind of irritating as brand rep of Infinitely 21. Kelsey and Liza’s meeting with her, in which Shelly explains that 'the tea’ is that their authentic brand cannot be associated with Millennial’s inauthentic one (I love the moral high ground re: brand but I’m pretty sure Millennial doesn’t have factory workers making less than a living wage so…) and this very real ramification of Liza’s lie paves the way for one of Liza’s best moments on the show to date.

Taking that tea of Shelly’s and throwing it in her face, Liza’s monologue that 'everyone is pretending to be younger’ reaches it’s climax with the zinger, 'Millennial is not an age, it’s an attitude and if you can’t sell that, we’ll go somewhere else’, and Kelsey’s look of pride, same girl SAME. One thing I have commented on in the past is that as a '26 year old’ Liza rarely, if ever, really stood up for herself. The few times we’ve seen her do so have been as the forty year old who takes no crap from anyone (David, Charles, Don) so I am here times a million for strong ass Liza to finally shed that guilt, know her worth and be able to show this side of herself now that the lie is no longer in play (I feel like Diana will dig this very much).

Turns out Shelly was quite into Liza’s feisty outburst too ('what you screamed at me today, justifiably, we’re still friends promise…it resonated’ = award winning line/delivery combo), as she calls to let Liza know they’re going to unfreeze the partnership and asks Liza to be the face (and legs) of Infinitely 21’s Spring campaign. This phone call takes place in a very delicious looking cupcake shop where Liza and Charles are playing cards with his daughters in an all round delightful family situation that gives us a glimpse of the Miller-Brooks dynamic and makes the point that after a pretty terrible day, Liza is grateful to have this in her life to counter all the drama. I am also pleased to see that Bianca and Nicole have been located (meanwhile Caitlin, Beth and all of Josh’s friends remain stuck in the Upside Down or have become bunker people or something equally ominous I fear).

I am very into a number of aspects of this entire scene: a) Charles eating candy just up and gets me for some reason. I don’t know why, I can’t explain it, but it’s akin to seeing him walking round barefoot, it confuses my brain but I’m pretty sure I like it; b) Bianca is clearly the fave child with her cute little, 'I won’t take your last bag of candy Liza’ (lol at Charles’ 'wow’ when Liza offers that up for the taking btw, he knows that’s a serious gamble) though I was 100% Nicole as a kid; c) those kids are so not sleeping after all that sugar so I hope they’re staying at Pauline’s, while Charles’ dad game is strong with the breakfast cupcakes and; d) Charles kissing Liza on the cheek as she takes Shelly’s call is so damn sweet (pun intended) and supportive and I love that Liza suggesting he go stand with the girls in case she starts crying again indicates she has been an open mess around him. It’s writing like this that I really appreciate when there is so much to fit into an episode, because it provides insight into the kind of relationship Liza and Charles have when there simply isn’t time to show it.

While Liza is drowning her sorrows in candy and cupcakes, Maggie is at the brilliantly cringy art exhibit, 'Masculinity Detox: A Softer Male Gaze’. Look I have to be honest, I was really happy to see Oded Fehr because he can play a skeeze with charm like no other, but I don’t know how I feel about this entire plot. I can only comment on it from a straight perspective, so I am aware that I’m not really in a position to express an opinion in relation to the impact of showing a gay character thinking it’s a good idea to sample a penis every ten years or so, but I certainly feel like it’s problematic. In relation to this character though, it is consistent with Maggie sleeping with Tommy Minetti (and his sister Tammy) as a result of Berlin’s 'Take my Breath Away’ (I don’t know why I remember that, I can’t remember what month it is yet this stuff is right there) and there is no denying that there were actual sparks between Maggie and Rafael in the loft, the palpable chemistry that Grant Sloss’ eps seem to draw out on full display. 

Another dimension of Maggie that I love seeing emerge in this ep is that while she is usually a total badass in absolute control, every now and then we see that her judgement of character is just way off. There was Montana, those weirdo art collectors who actually collect artists and now this guy. I love that there’s a side of her that gets a bit blinded by flattery so she thinks 'what the hell?’ and the inevitable 'oh I CAN-NOT with this bullshit’ that follows, usually very publicly - Exhibit A: Maggie countering dirtbag Rafael’s, 'I’ll change you mind, I’m a flipper’ with a literal flip of the restaurant table once she realises she was simply another conquest. She seems so unflappable that these reminders that she’s fallible (I legit sometimes forget she’s not an actual super hero) are really great and maintains the 'flawed human’ aspect this show does so well. Honestly, other than Liza in a full tracksuit (sweat clothes?? I don’t know what it is in American but that cute pink sweat top and sweatpants combo) thinking they were being robbed and very confused by what had happened (so were we all lbh and Kinsey 9 LOL), it was Maggie equating sex with a man to being suffocated by a damp rug that was the highlight of this entire storyline for me. So damn funny.

Diana continues to have Liza’s back as she heads to the photo-shoot to steer her away from anything pleather (I may need a spin off of these two or some kind of one off special episode that’s just an elaborate Diana/Liza adventure, maybe rescuing Caitlin and co. from the bunker??), but not before we catch Kelsey still slaying it as a boss as she leaves a voicemail for the increasingly petulant Zane. Hearing her so firm and sure of herself is brilliant and the friendship vibe between Diana and Kelsey is peaking and I am loving every bit of it. I am so glad we heard Diana asking Kelsey how she took the lie, while Diana was able to forgive and move forward it would have been strange if we didn’t see her still processing some of it this week. Plus it’s Diana who points out that Zane’s tantrum is not because Liza is who he is upset with (and THANK YOU Kelsey for pointing out that Liza and Zane hardly know each other). 

Rather than letting the whole Zane thing fester away, Kelsey continues to impressively show initiative by going to Zane’s and offering to cook dinner (which Zane knows is a lol and it’s not long before he’s cooking, so well played Kels) to give him the opportunity to ask anything he wants and she will answer honestly. Once a proper explanation of why Liza lied and why Kelsey kept it from him is given, Zane suddenly reverts back to being a rational human being which is a relief because he was fast becoming the worst (though his comment that they were all bad liars, what now?? Yes they be cray but their lying game is strong friend). I am not particularly invested in Kelsey and Zane as a pairing but I always appreciate good storytelling and writing, and revisiting the fact Zane told her he loved her in past tense was an example of both of these. In order for any kind of relationship between these two to progress believably this needed to be addressed and hearing Kelsey call Zane out on his shitty and manipulative behaviour was great, but even greater was seeing Kelsey drop her guard.

Opening up about being mad at herself too and that maybe if they were both more open about their feelings they wouldn’t have wasted so much time denying how they really felt; that she felt, no, feels, the same way, present tense; the resetting of the timer so she can finish what she was going to say instead of taking the option of backing out; the honest conversation…you know what all this is? Growth. Kelsey Lorraine Peters, I am just so damn proud of you because I am the first to admit that I was not sure this character could be redeemed for me after last season but here we are. The emotion for this whole scene, you could feel it and Zane’s, 'oh that timer was for food’ was fab, before he just casually drops in, ’ I love you, but stay out of my kitchen’. OK.  Smitten mode activated.

Meanwhile, Diana is no doubt enjoying Shelly’s disbelief that she and Liza are almost the same age about as much as a root canal and Lauren appears with a 'bowflex for your face’ to combat the 5 o'clock jowls. Side note: Lauren and Liza really need to have a convo asap because I definitely feel like Lauren is not ok with the lie since it’s been revealed. Scene of the ep goes to Charles walking into the trailer (with flowers for Liza *swoon*) while Diana is flapping that contraption, before he slowly backs away and I tell you, I was howling so hard I almost ruptured something. Liza’s hideous romper/scooter combo is just no on many levels, she clearly feels super unnatural and the photographer snapping Charles and Liza, who are not expecting to be photographed while her being made up to look so young obviously makes them look very far apart in age and a bit awks means that yes, the daddy/daughter dance vibe is strong, though that line made me vom in my mouth a little bit.

Between shoots our extremely excellent villain Quinn pays Liza a visit to show her support and her well-polling glasses. Her real talk that the good news about the publishing reaction to Liza’s lie is that 'eight blocks outside of midtown, nobody cares’, is what we were all thinking and is def to be filed under 'G’ for Gold. So naturally Quinn drags her into a completely self-serving NY1 interview (bless Liza for thinking they wanted to interview her) and I freaking love Quinn, she’s such a delicious character coz she’s awful and funny and pretty and a total smart ass. I stan.

Before we jump to the second part of the photo-shoot I have to say that the very obvious ploy to try and juxtapose Liza’s relationships with Charles and Josh felt like it was trying too hard and was mostly disappointing to me because it felt so forced. I want to be very clear that it has nothing to do with who I like Liza with romantically, it would have felt contrived regardless and was the only aspect of the episode that I felt could have been crafted with a little more nuance. Or maybe that was the point? Perhaps the obviousness was part of the humour of it *shrug emoji* 

Either way, Liza is looking pretty exhausted when Josh turns up at the bar photo-shoot for reasons (whose name I am betting is Lauren Heller because there is no way he would just turn up and it is 100% in her wheelhouse to send him along after seeing the expressions on her face at the earlier shoot. I feel like this will def come out at some point and that really this whole shoot is serving to bring about stuff in future eps) and he doesn’t get to explain why he is there because he’s teasing Liza about being a model and I really do love their banter. Shelly has no idea what’s happening but she likes it and is thirsting pretty hard as she shakes his hand and I enjoyed hearing Liza talk about Josh as patient zero, her 'would you correct him?’ as she squeezed his cheeks made me smile. I know there have been a LOT of feelings about this scene expressed on social media, but I found the reminiscing, as Josh talked about how when he first met Liza he thought she was smart and sexy and he wanted to keep talking to her, really sweet (and quickly countered by his joking about being really drunk and it being dark).  

I actually love this dynamic so much and if this show had moved these two properly into the friendzone I would be celebrating this as a pin-up example of how to show romantic-platonic relationship transition. I still may, because at this stage there is nothing to indicate that Liza is anything but committed to Charles and Josh gave no impression of pining for her IMO, but as an experienced TV connoisseur (aka obsessive tv show watcher) I am not naive enough to think that this interaction mightn’t be setting in motion a resurgence of the triangle. By the same token, I do not see any triangle in play at the moment and one thing this show does excel at is surprising us, so time will tell, but I am going to keep my faith in the writers to tell good, compelling stories that stay true to all the excellent characters and narratives they have in front of them, as they have done up until now.

While Liza’s colleagues aren’t going to throw her under a bus, Quinn is not only more than happy to, I’m pretty sure she’d drive the bus herself if it served her own self interest.  Quinn saying that she found out about Liza’s lie the week before in The New Yorker article, ooomph, did you feel that? It was the wind being knocked out of all of us, along with poor Liza, as Quinn counters Liza’s suggestion that she knew the truth before she invested on live TV. It was evident fairly quickly that Quinn was using the interview as a campaign platform and Liza’s expression as Quinn betrays her so publicly is yet another credit to Sutton Foster’s incredible talent.

My Kelsey love was brought home this week when she met Quinn following the NY1 interview. She is unrelenting in her backing of Liza and unwavering in her stance to Quinn when she is asks her to fire Liza. From the moment she arrives Kelsey is so kick ass, she sees every one of Quinn’s attempts to bully her into getting what she wants and Kelsey’s, 'please don’t minimise the strength I bring to this meeting’ was such a hell yes moment. There is something so satisfying about seeing Quinn in a position where she needs something from Kelsey and Kelsey standing so firm. Kelsey’s 'are we done here?’ before walking away was such a power move and the transition into her own office the next day, with Charles reassuring her that she did the right thing, was wonderful. Seeing these two as equals, talking business with a bit of a mentor/mentee dynamic is a dream. It was on my season 6 wish list and I can’t wait to see more of it.

It is upon discovering that Audrey Colbert’s manuscript delivery cheque bounced and that Diana just heard one of the Jennifer’s, the sloppy one from publicity (this line, I swear and also I need to meet her), say her direct deposit didn’t go through that we discover Quinn has thrown the ultimate tantrum and pulled her funding and Mercurennial is broke.

Poor Liza feels that it’s all her fault, I’m sure partly because of the way her colleagues turn and look at her when she walks in the office and partly because it is, but Charles continues to play the role of ultimate supportive partner as they stroll down the street after work, pointing out that Liza attracted Quinn to the company in the first place (and we ALL know it was not the company she was attracted to). I am simple folk and Charles saying he’s spoken for as he put his arm around her made me melt into a puddle and if anyone is feeling concerned about Liza’s level of besotted, watch this final scene as Charles reassures her that, 'you know what’s great about the worst thing happening? There’s no place to go but up. Only good things ahead’. I may have actually died from the sweetness of the entire thing and Liza does exactly what any self respecting person would in that situation and kisses him before they walk off hand in hand. To live happily ever after…jokes LOL I mean it’s television and it turns out Infinitely 21 has the most efficient marketing team on the planet because their campaign is launched and whattya know, it looks as though Liza and her ex will be plastered all over the city. 

File under 'O’ for OF COURSE.

[bacchanta]

My problem with ship haters

The reason I hate Internet liberals sometimes despite our overall proximity on the political spectrum is that their 'righteous cause' often turns into a free-pass to walk on other people for absolutely no justifiable reasons. Specifically, thorki haters. Fuck. you. all.

It's become a daily routine where I search the tag just for discussions or creativities and have to take extra care to step over loads of hate-tweets. Fetishizing, abusive, homophobic(?), incestuous, disgusting, you name it. There seems to be absolutely zero reservation when they fucking use 'a fictional relationship between two fictional characters' as the monolithic standard to decide if actual persons with feelings on the other side of the Internet qualify as a foot mat on which they can casually rub their self-righteous ego and feel good about it.

First thing that bothers me is that many of them are character-shippers. It doesn't take much probing into the corpus of 'slash culture' studies to understand that 'shipping' is by and large something to do with one's fantasy, esp. a reflection of feminine sexuality which lacks legitimate outlet in a patriarchal society. If shipping A/B is such outrageous sexual exploitation deserving constant shaming, shipping C/D is not so different. You read smut, you bend characters at your will, you create arts, then you are fucking FANTASIZING, too, and there is nothing wrong about it as long as you don't actively press any form of your fantasy in the face of those who don't like them. But stop fucking pretending that you like a fictional relationship because it's morally flawless while dirty fetishizing het girls are sexually exploiting the minority. I am not saying that slash is not sexual exploitation of homosexuality. It is. As much as we like it we have to keep that in mind. But see? SLASH being a largely female-oriented genre is in itself sexual exploitation, not because two characters grow up together or whatever.

The second thing that absolutely baffles me is the casuality of the hate. There are countless times when I see people complaining about 'seeing something BUT the OP turns out to be thorki'. Or just occasionally dropping anecdotes about how all thorki shippers' advocacy for equality is hypocritical because, thorki, the trending new favourite target of Internet social justice advocates. If some major argument or drama triggers some hate tweets I won't even care. But it turns out that the hate is so casual. To the point that it becomes nothing more than cyberbullying. Maybe it's a cultural thing, that US users do not put in hyphens or slashes in the subject matter of criticism to avoid searching. Either it's not common practice in the US or they are actually so entitled as to think that their opinions, ALWAYS phrased with cringey passive-aggressiveness and no more useful content than teenage whining, are so important that people who like thorki should stand named and shamed and listen to their preaching and walk away fully enlightend and totally repented.

The third thing is the disturbing observation of the Pavlovian instinct among young, western liberals to ALWAYS find a moral justification for their personal judgements. But aestheticism can be separated from morality. You can dislike or hate, but don't think that there is always an explanation about how you liking or disliking something is because you are morally superior and lonely in the patriarchal world and the best you can do is cyberbully people (whom you know nothing about) and make groundless accusations for liking a fictional relationship.

BE FUCKING FRANK when you dislike something. Don't be so fucking delusional as to believe that your taste in which fictional characters should or shouldn't shag each other makes a reflection on your noble personality.

Thorki haters please please just grow the fuck up by taking the first step of admitting that you are still so childish as to hate on people for liking a ship you don't appreciate. By this point it says much less about fetishizing LGBTQ+ than about your own immaturity and vitriol. Back when me and my friends are in primary school we did hate on ships and shippers. We've got over it since. That's probably asking too much out of you whiney cohorts, but maybe, try? Take the first step and perhaps people will cheer you on to actually get over it?

Grow the fuck up and be considerate and take personal responsibility for what you express. Think twice before you hide personal biases behind moral righteousness, because moral appeals by nature pressures more people to concord and that, nowadays, easily grows into a mob. If you dislike something just say you don't like it. Or at least don't be so quick to shout 'OPPRESSION SPOTTED' because let's be honest, when you say that you intend it to be open season on those you accuse. You intend to hurt people you don't even know with malice because they like to see one fictional character getting with another but you don't, and you don't seem to understand how tolerance works.

We all know how Internet populist-leftism works. When you make accusations of oppression, you want as many people to criticisze those accused as possible. Individuals, personal thoughts and feelings mean nothing to you. Who diminishes individuals to labels and attack them?

Using your all-time favourite buzzword. Bigots. Fucking bigots.

The leftist movement has always been about allowing individuals to thrive regardless of various labels, about showing care to individuals' feelings. It's not up to anyone (NOR YOU) to decide whose feelings can be overlooked and trampled, especially when you are only using a label for people whom you know nothing about.

It's so fucking exhausting when people back where I'm from are struggling to save the very right to create non-het content, and then crybabies on the Internet are all smugly charting up which ships are pc and which shippers are oppressors.

Some of you thorki haters embody the highly hypocritical and selective kind of social activism at its best. The only actions you take are those that are 1) useless or even harmful and hence 2) the best form of self-righteous egoistic whacking off at the least effort. All I ask is that you do it the right way, aka by your own, not in front of other people who are not interested in your thick ego by the slightest.

[katosthoughts]

Entry 1: A New Era

04.25.20

Man. Where to begin. To start with now or the reflection? Hmm. Let’s go reflection leading into present day, then a sprinkle of potential future goals. *mind you, it is 5am and I’ve been up for hoursss, but we’ll get to that*

Rereading these entries this morning brought a lot of emotion out of me, although that’s not surprising. I probably needed a good cry and I feel like I have been putting this off for awhile (what else is new?). So much of what I said at 21 resonates with me. I am that girl. That girl was me. While about four years doesn’t seem long, it feels like an entire lifetime ago. In those four years I had some of the most extreme highs and absolute lows. I lost 4 important people in my life, relationships, work, mental health. It all felt like such an extreme range of emotion that I almost feel numb at this point.

College. What an absolute high. I wish I knew it then, that it would be the happiest I was. I had the best roommate all four years of school, I took amazing classes with the best teacher in the entire fucking world (thank you, LUKE), and I had a pretty amazing group of friends by the end of it. Not to mention I got to live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Like fuck, I was so blessed to live my own life in such an amazing place. I was was a decision maker, I was excited, I was surrounded by good people. I wish I would have known then, that life was slowly going to devour me over the next three years. I wish I would have soaked up a few more lessons or late nights in the lab. I wish I would have taken a few more memories. I really thought that life would be better when I was out of college and independent, living my own life with no one but myself.

I wish I would have known then that the life I had in Santa Fe, was the closest I was to living my own existence. Upon returning back to California post grad, I made it home for my last Mother’s Day with my mom. I immediately shifted into caregiver mode once I had moved back. Going through the procedures of making sure she takes her meds at the right time/correct doseges, learning how to change a stomach bag and keeping her clean. I just did what I was told and I did my best to give my mom the most comfortable existence. I know I was still difficult sometimes. I was so mad at the universe, at her, at myself. Just so much anger. I also battled a lot with myself about who I was. Who did I want to be? Who do I have to be for my family? All of that is still unfortunately relevant. After she passed I was angry with everyone. I turned to Kathleen as my light and I pushed everyone else away, in the same breath I’ll also say that in this period of time I also started seeing my then boyfriend so you know. Complex. A piece of me believes that I used my relationship to help me cope. I used it so I wouldn’t have to feel the emence amount of sadness and grief I was feeling. I did love him too. It wasn’t one sided, but I think it played a big a roll at the time. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had to move out of my moms house that I was living in with only my step dad, I didn’t know if I was going to move in with family or if I was going to be independent, I didn’t have a job, I had ZERO drive to be creative and I just floated. Spur of the moment in late October 2018 I rented the first place I saw. It’s a nice little condo in paramount. It was mine. For the first time in my life, all of my stuff could be in one place. I know that sounds stupid but growing up with divorced parents and then adding a third bedroom when you’re in college, it got chaotic trying to keep track of things. Finally. This was all mine. When I got this place I had just started working for a luxury brand as a seasonal stock associate that I was later promoted to regular stock associate and then I was also working as a freelance graphic designer with a marketing firm. It was going well until about January 2019. I stopped working with the marketing firm and it shook my confidence. I also took the job because it was a connection, and graphic design, what could go wrong? I feel like I never fully found my voice in my work, then to work for someone else with an entirely different voice than what you sorta know is jarring.

Around this time the then boyfriend was looking for a new place. I knew it was way too fucking soon but I just lost my biggest income and I wasn’t sure what to do and it seemed like an okay idea and we knew each other from Santa Fe so it’s more like ‘home’. So he moves in. That was probably the start of the end. When he moved in I was not fully unpacked. (Its 2020 and I’m still not unpacked) and then we added all of his boxes to mine. It never got unpacked (see?). A month or so after he moved in, in May of 2019, i started my second retail job selling jewelry in the same mall. My life became dominated by work. I worked 40-50 weeks with sometimes, no days off. He and I continued to live, and we both eventually were holding two jobs. Four incomes and we still struggled to balance out. We lived in mess and disorganization and chaos 24-7. I was always frustrated, I felt that I carried both of us sometimes and I was never happy. This translated into our relationship. We had a rough stint from October 2019 to January 2020. It was a nightmare of a time. We still lived together but it was rough. We tried to work on things and then COVID-19 happened. I suddenly wasn’t working at all, and he is an essential worker. He works a minimum 6 days a week. This put strain on our rebuild. I’m sure I also didn’t help but the new stresses didn’t help too. Which all led to a one time drunken night. Against better judgement I let a friend come over and the three of us drunkenly talked and had a good time. I fell asleep early and was later awoken by noises no one wants to hear wen you’re 1/2 of a couple and the other 1/2 is with the 3rd. I know what I heard and walked out on that night. I know the story he is telling me. And I know the stance that she is taking. None of them add up but that’s where I just have to decide what’s next. Post grad life. Absolute low

The nights are heardest. I wake up 2:30-3:30 every morning without fail. I can’t help but think about it. What did I do wrong? I know we were struggling but why didn’t he just come to bed? I ache with so much sadness in my heart for what feels like the wrong reasons. I feel that there was more I probably could have done but I am living this out as a sign. The universe told me to open a new fucking chapter so I am. I have some design goals that are also life goals so I love that. First, I want to work on my portfolio. I know lindafinegold probably isn’t hiring but that brand voice is what I am craving. I want to work on my portfolio and a few projects that let me sit in that, marinate, see if it’s my flavor. If it is I only hope I can figure out a way to get noticed. Second, I want to work more on a personal project. Probably something small to start. I loved making stickers before. Maybe start there. Third, I’d like to go to the fucking gym again but covid. bitch.

The final side piece I’d like to say is that I love you Steven Garcia. I found out in January you passed, one week after my grandma. You passed in October 2019 and I didn’t know. I’m sorry I never checked in with you after I moved. I always missed you. For I’m sure, more than a year, you were a light in my life. My friend. My dude. My homie. I will never forget the kindness and love you showed me. The long drives through Santa Fe. The after work beers. The holidays we spent together. The weird movies we were into. I cried, I wept, I screamed, I think I even slammed my head in the wall because I didn’t want any of it to be true. In those moments I wanted to take all your pain and suffering. I don’t know what happened to you but I hope you are free. I will always cherish our puppy dog days. Rest In Peace homie, I love you.

If you’re someone out there reading this, I’m sorry? Thank you? Although I write for no audience, sometimes I need to dump my brain and I appreciate if you’re listening. I hope I continue to do this. I spent one hour typing and reflecting and it is maybe the most relaxed I feel in awhile.

Until next time. x

[gloves94]

The Munter [Paul McCartney] 3

Warnings: None Pairings: Paul McCartney/OC Summary: Sage O'Shea is a hardworking woman of the 1960's. A strange combination of brains and- well- Let's just say she is not your average beauty. Au contraire she's a Munter. John bets Paul that he wouldn't dare date such a monstrous woman. Despite his best judgement Paul agrees and takes John on his daring bet. Will Paul be able to see Sage's true beauty? What's going to happen when poor Sage finds out about their nasty bet? Whether the results are pretty or not- one thing I can say is love works in mysterious ways. *Comments and reviews are appreciated.* *Character development*

My fanfiction: M A S T E R L I S T

3. The Gift

Friday, November 22nd, 1963

It had been a couple of weeks since I had started working for Brian Epstein and The Beatles. So had that hideous woman Isabel. In my time working with Mr. Epstein I had witnessed what my best friend Lori considered to be “history.” The band had just released their second album in the UK ‘With the Beatles.’ The album had been such a success that it had kicked their first album from the number one position. Their hit song "All My Loving" was currently playing on the stereo of Dacey's Delights where I was patiently waiting for my turn. I did not like this song. It reminded me that damn John Lennon and just how awful he could be. I wore my knitted scarf and warm clothes. My fingers tightly gripped the gift bag I was holding. I glanced at the long line ahead and then at my watch and debated whether I should stay or leave. I did not want to be late for work. With Isabel taking up any chance to make me look bad I could not afford any slips. Looking back at the door a now familiar rectangular face stood out. George looked particularly startled when his eyes met my broken glasses. I wanted to look away, but it was too late he had already seen me. I flashed him a polite very tight-lipped smile and raised my hand up in a polite wave. He did the same and decided to advance and cut in line in front of me.

"Mind if I join ya?" He asked with a coy grin hands shoved deep in his coat’s pockets. Why would he ask if he was going to do it anyway? Regardless, he was technically my boss, so I simply nodded my head. I didn’t think he wanted to chat me up and instead focused my attention on the dark-haired baker at the front of the cash register. Imagine my surprise when George began feeling chatty. "So- you come here often?"

"Yeah," I answered in a lukewarm tone attempting not to make any conversation. He looked at me with expectant eyes.

Feeling awful at my rudeness I changed my mind and decided to be friendly. "It's my favorite bakery," I added shortly with a small smile. I didn’t know if it was me or if I saw the man visible cringe when I smiled.

"Yeah, they have the best bloody scones in all of London," he exclaimed looking at the front of the line excitedly. "They're good with a cuppa tea for keeping warm. It's like the Baltics out there. I can't wait for it to be warm again, so I can have lolly ices again," he said almost in one breath. I looked at him confused having no idea what he had just said. "Ah, right. You're not from the northwest right?" I simply shook my head. "I usually don't have any trouble since the lads all just picked up the same words, except for Ringo."

"So, you and the others go way back then?" I inquired as we stepped forward in the line. George began telling me how him and Paul went all the way back and how they had met John who put the band together later and then he joked about how they stole Ringo from another band because they had a good lad who was a bad drummer named Pete Best. And as George spoke I realized it was no surprise that girls threw themselves at him. Afterall, George was known as the Handsome Beatle. With a square jaw, high cheek bones and deep-set dark brown eyes that seemed to peer into your soul- I shook her head snapping out of my very embarrassing train of thought.

"Ringo is our drummer and he's not even the best drummer in the band!" He laughed. "Well at least that's what John says," he noticed the way that I stiffened at the mention of his fellow bandmate.

"I know John's an arsehole," he said once again burying his hands deep inside of his pockets. "But he's not half bad once you get to know him. He doesn't mean half the crap that comes out of his mouth."

"And the other half?" I retorted cocking a thick eyebrow up.

xxx

Then it was our turn. George looked at the cashier before them. His heart began hammering in his chest. Hands sweaty. She was the same one that he came to see every day and the same one that kept him up at night in his dreams.

"Sagey?" The cashier asked eagerly almost jumping over the counter. Her long black curls bobbing as she did. Bright blue eyes sparkling with the same joy she shared with each and every one of her customers every single day. But what he loved most about her as her smile.

He was taken aback when she went around the counter in order to embrace the Munter.

"Sagey! Where have you been?!" She asked in the hug. Her American accent was completely distinguishable.

"Working I'm afraid," she said casually. "Working! Ah! That’s all you do now a days!" She reached for her arms giving them a tight squeeze. That's when she noticed the gift bag that she was holding onto. "I made this for my darling Godson. Hope he's not too big and it still fits him."

The peppy woman pulled out a knitted outfit and a small cap that Sage had made for her Godson. She was speechless. Sage couldn't help but grin, her enthusiasm was always contagious.

One of the great things about Lori Tomlinson Dacey was that she'd absolutely loved every single gift or anything you gave her. She would always say "it's the thought that matters!"

"It's beautiful," she nodded and gave Sage another hug.

"We have to catch up soon. But for now, I gotta work!" She said sheepishly grinning at the long line of customers.

'She knew her?!' George was taken a back. The Munter was intimate friends with her?! She was just full of surprises. He didn't realize that he had slapped the money on the counter. "Hers on me," he word-vomited. The cashier smiled at him, he felt as if he was going to faint.

"Thanks Lorelei," Sage sang taking her scone with her. George stood there like a fool his eyes glued on Lori's smiling face.

"See ya George," she added flatly before leaving the place. She didn't even introduce them!

"W-Wait!" George called as he grabbed the bag of muffins from the counter and chasing after his accountant.

"Oi!" He said. His breath visible in the chilly morning air.

"You don't have to do that," she said as she quickened her pace as she made her way to Brian's office. "Do what?" He retorted confused.

"Buy me my scones, pretend to like me," she sighed. "Don't worry. I'm not paid to be friends or even like you or any of the others."

"I was just being nice," George said sounding upset. "No, no you weren't. You saw me and used me to get ahead in line and now you want me to introduce you to my friend, right?"

He glared at her, slightly hurt by her cold words. Unbelievable. It was almost as if she had read his mind.

"You're not the first or the last," she said turning away from him and continuing her trip to the office.

"Wait-" George said once again this time he held her arm making her stop.

"I'm sorry," he breathed an apology. "I'm sorry that John's an arsehole to you, that Ringo will be rude to you so he can please Isabel and that Paul is just-" George cringed. Paul wouldn’t even acknowledge Sage; he was so cold to her. It was unreal.

Every single time she ran into Paul Macartney it was the same thing. He would either avoid her, look the other way or simply brush past her without another word. At least Lennon bothered commenting on her broken glasses.

"Right, and I'm just as bad for not doing anything to stop it." George raised both of his hands up I defeat. "Start from zero?" He said with a small grin offering his stretched-out hand for her to shake.

Hesitantly she reached for it and wrapped her fingers around his square hand. George grinned broadly.

"Alright, it's set. I want you to know that our privileged friendship allows us to cut in line anywhere and with anyone," he said still grinning as he stuffed his face with a muffin. It seemed like all George did was eat! “We also have sharesies when one or the other gets food.”

"George, snap back to reality, you're a Beatle. You don't need to cut in line," she rolled her eyes. "Me on the other hand well, I'm just the Munter," she shrugged her shoulders pitifully as she called herself that.

"Well, at least you're honest!" George teased with a grin. She shook her head and playfully shoved him as they walked to the office.

Xxx

Sometimes later George and I reached the office. On way George explained to me a little bit more in detail of what the band did. He told her about the strenuous hours of recording in the studio, the other hours practicing, song writing and the touring or giving interviews that they had to do.

And in all honesty, I was very surprised, my entire life I had been blinded to think that the life of a musician was an easy one.

It was not. On the way George was also harassed by many fans who wanted to take a lock from his hair or give him their knickers to sign (or keep). It got to the point that we had to run a block, hide behind a moving van and wait them out.

"Thank God I'm ugly," I muttered to herself humorously when I watched George struggle with the crazies. By the time we reached the offices both of us were smiling and laughing. A scene which made Isabel’s stomach churn uneasily based on her foul expression.

"Oh hi George!" Isabel jumped on her heels and ran towards him immediately wrapping her arms around his neck without consent.

Geez! She was almost as bad as his fan girls. "I missed you," she said in a sultry tone. Her attempt to hypnotize him failed and he simply appeared to be uncomfortable. "Hi," he muttered under his breath as he attempted to remove her hands off from his person.

"Yeah I'm late for a meeting," he said brushing her off politely.

Isabel cursed and turned to glare at me. I didn’t bother in hiding my triumphant smirk. Yup, whatever vile plan you had Isabel; I was just about to trump.

"What do you look so damn pleased about Four Eyes?" She suddenly snapped at me.

"Nothing," I responded with an eat-shit-grin, "I just hope that you are ready for today, because our expense reports are due," I smiled maliciously at her. I tapped my dancing fingers on the vanilla carpet I was now holding to my chest. In all sincerity, I admit, maybe I am just as bad as her.

Isabel cursed once again.

"What do you want?" Isabel suddenly snapped a bribe. "Do the reports for me and I'll give you whatever you want," she pleaded in desperation taking me back by surprise.

"Thank you really, but thankfully I don't need anything," I responded dully. “Sage, please,” she pleaded. “I can’t lose this job!”

“Well, then you should’ve done it!” I snapped back. “I-I had other tasks to do.” She almost begged. Her eyes pleading. Wow. I had never seen her like this. I never thought she would ask anything of me. Much less this. Shaking my head, I turned and exited the room. Today would be a happy day. I was confident in my financial advice and in my accounting abilities which would certainly overshadow Isabel's and Brian would hopefully give her the boot. I walked into Brian's office walking a little taller today. Paul and George were both sitting in one of the dull green sofas. As soon as I walked into the room Paul ceased laughing and became dead quiet. ‘Geez, he must really not like me being around.’ I thought to myself. George elbowed him and gave him an odd look. He turned to face me across the room and as if he read my mind, he discretely made a shrugging motion with his shoulders.

"Still wearing those glasses?" Brian commented as I made way to the supply closet also known as the cave, or my office.

"I'm saving for new ones, have to pay my rent first you know?"

'And the outstanding debt for my mother's medical expenses have accumulated'I thought to herself bitterly. "If any number on your report is wrong today-" Brian threatened with wary eyes and a raised finger.

"I know, I know," I nodded "But I can assure you I'm an efficient worker, with or without my glasses.”

"Sage, meeting room in a quarter of an hour, we'll be going over yours and Isabel's reports." I nodded.

Once inside of the privacy of my small office I did a little dance cheering while jumping up and down like a dork. There was no doubt, Isabel was not going to be able to present her reports and she'd be out of here so fast it would make her head spin. The evil had finally been defeated.

I sat on my desk gathering my supplies getting ready. Where was my red pen again? I opened the first drawer of my desk and instead found a small box inside.It was a long white box that I could hold with both of my hands. It had a simple blue ribbon wrapped and tied with a bow at the top.

What on Earth could this be? A gift? I looked up to meet the eyes of Frank Sinatra. Yes- I keep a framed picture of Mr. Sinatra on my desk. Since I never met my father, I like pretending that Frank is my old man. The odds of that were astronomical. However, it made me feel loads better. Besides, like my dad he is also an American, so maybe the odds weren’t that astronomical? “Looks like there’s no note,” I spoke to the photograph. “Who did this Frank?” The photograph remained silent with the man’s blue eyes boring into mine. “This must be a prank,” I thought uneasily. I couldn’t help but wondered what was inside a shock buzzer? A leaping roach? “Maybe it’s a mouse trap!” ‘Maybe I should just open it and get it over with. Like a band aid…’ Placing the box in the center of the desk I began to carefully disarm it as if it was a time ticking bomb. I removed the bow carefully and then the small lid even more carefully. I braced myself ready for whatever could be inside of the mysterious box to leap out or attack.

A stink bomb? A dead rat? Cosmetics? A secret admirer prank perhaps? It wouldn't not be the first time for any of the previously mentioned scenarios happened...

"Lets see what've you got for me Isabel," I finally opened it. I peered in and inside of them was-

"A pair of glasses?" I was completely taken back.

I held the black rimmed elegant glasses in my hands and eyed them carefully. They were designer eyeglasses, dark and slick, anything unlike the bulky cracked pair that was being pitifully held together by tape. Even the prescription was right! “’To the loveliest vision.’” I read out loud and felt my ears suddenly grow hot with embarrassment. This had to be a prank. But wait- 'Isabel wouldn't be able to afford this. But what if she stole them and wants to incriminate me?'

I debated whether she should wear the new glasses or not.

"Well- maybe if I just try them on?" I slipped them on and wow what a huge difference they made! I could see clear as day once again. Even the world seemed to change color. Everything looked brighter, sharper, cleaner. There was no way that I could go back to wearing the broken ones. I wanted to think it had been Brian, but then there was that note. To the loveliest vision? There is certainly nothing lovely about me. Maybe it’s referring to perfect vision? The thought of it scrambled my brain and made my face burn. I prayed it had been Brian, concerned about the effectiveness of my work. Some moments later I stepped out ready with my documents and my fancy new dark rimmed glasses. When I reached the meeting room Brian was sitting at the head of the table discussing finances with other men whom could only assume were his financial advisers.

Isabel sat in a chair uneasy. Even her short skirt and sexy low-cut shirt wouldn't be able to save her from this one. She was so nervous she didn't even bother to comment on my new glasses, but John did.

"Nice glasses Four Eyes," he said teasingly as Sage sat down next to George and Ringo. John was sitting opposite of the long table smirking. He could be such a child sometimes. Isabel and Paul were sitting next to him. It couldn’t have been John. I looked at the men in the room. It couldn’t have been anybody in this room. George had been with me in the morning, John was such a prick he wouldn’t have bothered doing something so kind for me, Paul wouldn’t even acknowledge me and- My eyes suddenly landed on Ringo. Could it have possibly been?

"Oh shut it Lennon, you have the same bloody glasses," George called from the other side of the room.

"John wears glasses?" Ringo asked.

"Hates wearing them, hates it when people see him wearing them even more," George explained. I flashed my new friend a thankful smile.

"I never noticed that your eyes were green," George commented leaning in closer to look at my green eyes. "Yeah" I admitted removing my brand new glasses and polishing them.

"I have a tired vision; my head starts hurting if I don't wear them."

"Yeah. They are nice, I like 'em" even Ringo commented. My eyes instantly snapped to his, but his blue ones were focused on Isabel’s expression. Maybe it hadn’t been him? The blonde woman was currently frantically writing notes on a paper not even minding the fact that the Lennon-Macartney duo were sitting next to her. It was almost concerning…

Brian then stood up as the other men left the room and he proceeded to call Isabel and I to the front of the meeting table to pick up our paycheck which could also be our last. The blonde's hands were trembling as she did.

"Oh, and thank you for the glasses Brian," I said to him kindly.

His brows furrowed as he flashed me a confused look. "What are you talking about?" He said eyeing her curiously. It hadn’t been him. It had not been him. My mind went blank. I had absolutely no idea who it could’ve been. I waited for someone anyone in the room to claim ownership for the kind gesture.

With that I returned to my seat and began to explain to a George and Ringo what they should invest in, how to protect their assets, legally decrease their taxes and more basic financial advice. Brian listened carefully, so did George and Ringo nodding and asking questions about accounting terms.

Then it was Isabel's turn. She looked at the numbers on her sheet and it looked like she was seeing complete gibberish. If I were to put money on it I would bet that she wouldn’t even know how to balances assets with liabilities and equity, the simplest and most basic accounting equation.

"Um..." she stuttered. John and Paul starred at her blankly. It was obvious she had no idea what she was doing. This was it. Brian did not look happy. Ringo observed with worry as if only there was something, he could do for her...

Ringo turned to look at me with a pleading expression to do something, anything. Isabel looked to be on the verge of an emotional breakdown.

"It's not her fault," I spoke to the unexpecting audience. All eyes turned to me with a bewildered expression. Even Brian was surprised, they all knew that Isabel could really be a devil towards me.

"What?" Brian drawled out confused.

"The other day Isabel phoned me to check on some accounting formulas, she misunderstood what I said and realized the numbers were wrong today."

I lied through my teeth.

Isabel's eyes went as wide as saucers.

"Formulas? But she should have those memorized already!" Brian exclaimed.

"True," I continued. "But she was dropped on her head as a child, which is why her memory is just awful. She can't even remember Ringo's name! Imagine that," I shook her head. "Is that right?" Brian inquired with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Yeah-Yes!" She exclaimed placing her palms on the table and regaining he composure. "It's true, all of it."

"I'd say it's best if Isabel returns to her desk to correct her... mistake, meanwhile I could read the numbers and give some advice to John and Paul."

Brian knew that both Isabel and I had a mutual distaste for each other. It was as clear as water. I had no reason to defend her or less to lie to him and put my job on the line..

"Very well then," Brian simply shrugged and allowed Isabel to exit the room.

"But you best have your report first thing tomorrow morning Ms. Murdock!" He barked.

Before leaving Isabel flashed me what looked like a grateful look. I did not return it.

'I hope I don't regret this..' I thought to herself.

George and Ringo stepped out of the meeting room. Brian left to scold Isabel, often times Brian was more like a father then a manager.

"So, why'd you do it eh? Sagey?" John asked wiggling his eyebrows leaning over and across the table. A Cheshire cat grin stretched over his thin lips.

"Do what?" I retorted as she squinted and wrote some numbers on the expense files that Brian had given me.

"You lied to Eppy to save the sexy incarnation of Satan," John said licking his lips intrigued as he mindlessly played with a pencil. Paul, like when around her, remained silent. "I have no idea what you are talking about," I responded focused on the paper.

"Bollocks!" Lennon exclaimed. He slammed a fist on the table making everything shake. "I will find out Sage O'Shea!” Ignoring him I shook my head. “If you tell me why- I’ll tell you who was the teddy boy that gifted you those fancy new glasses.” My eyes went wide and I turned to look at John in shock. It was him! It had to have been! The edging smirk on his lips, made me think otherwise. So, then I eyed him with terrible suspicion.

“H-How?” I hated myself for stuttering.

John's smirk only grew wider. He reminded me of a sly fox who had just gotten what he wanted.

"I'll tell if you tell.”

'Not worth it'I thought. I decided to ignore him and simply returned to my accounting. I had a feeling I would find out who had given me these glasses sooner or later. Growing bored and in need of a distraction John stood up and without another word he left the room.

Now, it was just me and Paul. Not that I minded. I had a feeling he wouldn’t say more than a word to me, or maybe he would just leave the room like John. At least I would manage to get some of my work done.

Xxx

Meanwhile outside of the meeting room, after receiving a scolding from Brian; Isabel sat in her desk in an attempt to figure out just what had happened. It was then that her phone rang. She immediately answered,

"Hello?” She greeted the familiar voice on the other side of the line.

"I told you not to call me to this number!" Isabel continued the conversation in a hushed tone.

"I almost got fired today... I know, I know... I'm working on it!"

The mysterious person on the other side of the phone line sounded very demanding.

"Good things take time, give me a couple more days and I promise you I'll have something for you," she assured the person. "Someone is coming, bye!" Isabel slammed the phone.

xxx

My eyes squinted at John's account. While the four men had ridiculous spending on non-essentials- well there was just something odd about John's account. There were large sums of money missing that lead to nowhere and had no trace. It was just plain fishy… I kept my head ducked and attempted to focus only on the numbers on the page before her. However, Paul’s anxious foot tapping made it hard to tune out. There was something about his mute presence in the room that made me terribly jumpy.

"How'd you like the glasses?" I was startled by the proximity of his voice.

Startled I put down my pen and touched the rims of my new glasses. I looked at him with surprise feeling extra self-conscious of my choice of wearing a gray jumper today and the blood that was beginning to pool my cheeks. Could it have been him?

"I felt terrible for breaking them, it's my way of properly apologizing," he offered me a boyish smile. It was probably that same smile that he knew made all the girls swoon. I looked at him unsure of how to respond. My eyes scanned his face for the slightest hint of betrayal. I gazed into his large doe eyes wanting it to be an ugly prank, waiting for a cruel punchline. What about that note? What on Earth did that mean?

A thank you would've sufficed instead I said-

"I thought you hated me," I vomited out the words.

I instantly regretted the moment that the words left her mouth. My eyes scanned the room for an exit.

"Hate?" He retorted confused. "I thought you were the one who didn't fancy me!" I allowed a humorous breath to escape my nose and shook my head lightly.

"Like I told George this morning, I'm not paid to fancy you four. Just to do your accounting."

"So how do you fancy us?" Paul asked relaxing into his chair. He propped his chin on his hand as he leaned forward on the desk. Much too close to comfort. I paused for a moment thinking of my answer carefully.

"I haven't decided if I fancy you or not-" I began. "But I do know that John is a prick!"

Paul chuckled.

"Ah, John can be hard around the edges, but he's a soft-hearted lad," he explained. I shook her head and once again glued my eyes to the papers I had on my hands. "That's what everyone keeps saying," I said with both of my eyebrows raised in incredulous disbelief.

"Is this going to take much longer?" Paul suddenly asked and uncrossed his legs leaning back on his chair.

"Afraid so," I said not taking my eyes off the papers. Not wanting to meet his eyes. "Say, how about this, I'm free tomorrow afternoon. Why don't you swing by my house and drop them off, we can have some tea? Yeah?"

I was barely able to keep my jaw from dropping in surprise.

I blinked twice almost stupefied, "uh, sure?" It sounded more like a question.

"Gear!" He slid a paper with his phone and address across the table.

"See you then Sage. Ta!" He waved away with a wink and left.

I sat in my seat stunned. My face felt hot from the embarrassment. What had just happened? Had Paul McCartney just been flirting with her?

I shook her head once again. No of course not. That was impossible.

xxx

First: https://gloves94.tumblr.com/post/615538641525243904/the-munter-the-beatles-1 Next: https://gloves94.tumblr.com/post/615546799981281280/the-munter-the-beatles-4 Prev: https://gloves94.tumblr.com/post/615541075388530688/the-munter-the-beatles-2

[jokocraft]

[more long meta] the real reason why nyma and rolo’s beauty was so extra and why hunk was 110% definitely lance’s foil in S1E6

(fyi this is sorta like an And There’s More part to this post.)

having nyma and rolo give off a “trustworthy” first impression was crucial to the writers’ basic moral of the story for S1E6: Voltron Gets Shanghaied. the moral is conveyed almost completely though hunk; in a previous episode, hunk initially judged shay as untrustworthy when actually her intentions were totally pure because she is pure. now that hunk has learned his lesson, he thinks twice before judging nyma and rolo solely by their first impression, and this gives him a clearer perspective on the situation than the others.

on the surface, the moral of the story is simply: always ask WWHD (what would hunk do?) don’t judge people by first impressions! yay! but. if that’s the moral, why are nyma and rolo, like, 10x hotter than they technically need to be in order to give off that “haha trust us!” first impression to facilitate that moral? they could have been average-looking freedom fighters, and the moral probably would have been even more powerful, because who do we already IRL prematurely judge as untrustworthy, just as much or even more than people who are shadowy and not-traditionally-attractive-according-to-our-culture? the answer: people who are Too Perfect. so if rolo and nyma had been more “unremarkable”, the cliche “don’t judge a book by its cover” theme might have held some more weight (rather than just validating that we should be suspicious of really attractive people).

I am remembering that this is a kids show, and this analysis is not necessary to appreciate the episode itself, but my point is that while there are obvious morals in this episode that no one would be wrong to say are intended, I believe these obvious morals are not the full picture. in other words, i don’t think these on-the-surface morals are the core of the episode. I went over this, sorta kinda, in my last post, but I want to go deeper this time and hopefully convey my point more eloquently and concisely comprehensively.

I think the vld writers are pretty smart, so I don’t think they made rolo and nyma extra attractive simply to add (problematic) spectacle to the “reveal” of their identities as criminals (which tbh even kids would see coming from a mile away what with hunk’s highly conspicuous suspicion and all, come on). and I definitely don’t think nyma and rolo were designed so attractive because the writers/directors actually believed the moral “people who are Too Perfect are out there and not to be trusted!!1!” made for quality storytelling.

so why then? why make their beauty so extra when average-looking character designs would have easily made the “first impression” moral more effective and less cliche?

I think is that the reason is three-fold:

the first and simplest reason that rolo and nyma’s beauty was so extra was to visually contrast as much as possible the first impression of shay and her brother. because from a visual storytelling standpoint, it’s just more thematically sexy that way.

the second reason assumes that the vld writers are perfectly aware of our tendency to distrust people who are Too Perfect and usedthat knowledge to give hunk a more easily believable (hunk is def smarter than us) relatable reason to not trust these guys.

and finally, well, let me preface some more: I think the vld writers are not only smart, but also pretty damn clever. too clever for the obvious morals to be the core message of E6′s Shanghaied plot, because like I explained in my other post, the entire Voltron Gets Shanghaied plot itself isn’t the core of the episode. rather, the Shanghaied plot exists the way it does (and at all) because it’s necessary for the core of the episode to effectively play out and its message properly conveyed.

and it’s core message? two-fold, this time:

it is wrong to punish someone just because they are not who you wish them to be

and

sometimes the people you fall for won’t fit any of your fantasies

maybe “you fall for” isn’t the best choice of words. the replacements “you have the strongest connections with” or “who are most compatible with you” are probably better, but they don’t sound like a Quote, you know?

a short elaboration on the first core message is near the end. a much longer elaboration on the second core message is thuss:

hunk is teased by pidge about shay being his new girlfriend, and I think there’s more to that offhand comment than just throwing hunk’s character a romantic bone. i think it’s very important, actually, how hunk’s relationship with shay is portrayed: rather than it being cast in an overtly romantic light, it’s respectful, genuine…downright wholesome, really. as usual, i believe this is a deliberate choice, made for reasons possibly not immediatley apparent: the nature of hunk’s relationship with shay (at least in E6 specifically) doesn’t reveal so much about hunk as does reveal a helluva lot about lance.

while revisiting E6, this time seeing hunk is lance’s foil, things start popping out: hunk’s easily made connection with Not A Fantasy Girl shay is in painfully sharp contrast to lance’s desperate effort force a connection with Fantasy Girl nyma. also, hunk may have brushed off the idea that he liked shay That way, but never once did he deny how important she was to her and how important it was for him to fulfill his promise to her. he embraced her exactly as she was and embraced the connection he felt with her by proudly making it known that while she’s in trouble, she is his top priority. this is the exact opposite of what lance is doing during this same episode, i.e. simultaneously, i.e. foils at their best). instead of accepting the connection unveiled between him and keith in E5, he’s rejecting it outright, and rejecting keith, too, because keith’s sure as hell no Fantasy Girl (arguable). and also-also, on the nyma/rolo planet, hunk can’t stop talking about shay while lance seems content to pretend keith doesn’t exist right now.

all this summarized: hunk embraces his new Non-Fantasy-Conforming connection while lance refuses to embrace his, probably on the basis that it’s Non-Fantas-NOPE

and then there’s keith. he’s chillin on this planet, not really reacting to anything, not really making any judgements about anyone one way or the other. the meaning of all this is not a show of keith’s coolness or don’t-give-a-fuck attitude or so shruggable. instead, how he acts on the planet is yet another very deliberate narrative choice.

if I’m not mistaken, it seems like rolo exists to serve as keith’s nyma, causing viewers like us to wonder, will keith let himself be taken in by this Fantasy Guy, like lance was with Fantasy Girl? will he want to restore his pride? get revenge??we narrow our eyes at the screen….hm…keith keeps being put in the same frames as rolo, that’s for sure….but……..

nope. well, keith probably acknowledged at some point that rolo was indeed pretty hot, but nope. he’s just not interested. why? maybe because keith isn’t as emotionally constipated as lance or he’s not nearly as likely to actually hit on anyone in a way that’s not literally hitting them.

or maybe the reason keith’s not interested in Fantasy Guy is because this boy gives zero fucks about fantasies.

even though keith probably feels spurned by lance in E6, and has every right to want to spurn lance right back (especially as he watches lance literally drool over some chick even after all they went through barely a day ago), keith doesn’t. he doesn’t even seem compelled to, and maybe that’s because he doesn’t see the point of giving special attention to someone he’ll probably never see again, or maybe because he’s already accepted the connection he has with lance as is.

you see, there’s pretty much no question that lance already had a fantasy or fantasies in mind of how finding his significant other would pan out (not that he or keith would actually think about their connection in those terms, of course), and because of these fantasies, when that telltale spark - that was probably, in some capacity, part of his fantasy - occurred, and it was with someone who absolutely did not fit the fantasy, lance decided to reject the whole thing as ever happening, as if doing that would somehow give him a do-over.

but keith….keith….keith being keith, I just don’t see him growing up with many fantasies related to a future “significant other”. did he even ever consider that such a person could even exist for him? if I were to guess, I’d say the answer is no, he didn’t think finding “that special someone” would ever be a Thing That Happened To Him. not because of any insecurity to do with his sexuality, but because of his insecurities to do with his interaction with others: he knows he’s a hothead, that he’s awkward, that he’s standoffish. he types himself as the loner, and really believes that’s just who he is. so he probably never bothered to wonder how that special connection could happen.

because, surely, it wouldn’t happen.

(but then, after a whirlwind of fighting and protecting and victory, keith knelt down and took the hand of his friend, someone who had brushed death to save a life, someone keith was glad to finally call a friend. they understand each other enough that there is nothing that really needs to be said, but then, this friend, someone fully aware of how hotheaded and awkward and standoffish keith was, told him something, with the upmost sincerity, with an unmistakable intimacy. something that, for a brilliant, brief moment, made keith feel like he didn’t have to be the loner anymore)

sob

as seen in the beginning of E6, keith clearly wants to embrace his new connection like hunk, but can’t because, well, when it comes down to it, actively embracing a connection with a person who doesn’t want to embrace it makes you look either like an idiot or a creep - or just pathetic.

while hunk has no reason not to declare to the universe that goddammit he’ll save shay if it’s the last thing he does, keith isn’t in the same position. he has plenty of reasons to keep how he feels to himself, but at least he’s learning to accept his own feelings. at least he accepts this connection for what it is, rather than wishing in vain it was something it isn’t.

at least, despite lance’s reluctance for something deeper, keith knows he can and should still be a valuable friend: he’s anything but reluctant or resentful or resigned to be the one to save the blue lion. if anything, he’s probably already as prepared to do anything to save lance as hunk is to save shay.

shay saved hunk, and soon hunk would save shay, and they so they earn themselves bond that lasts a lifetime. keith takes credit for saving lance’s lion, and it’s show of keith has his back. and so then it was lance’s turn to rise to hunk’s level and show some motivation in having keith’s back in return. which finally happens at the end of S3: at that point, he’s not afraid to tell keith that he’s proud to have his back, that he wants to. no other paladins are shown watching the exchange - lance’s words can’t be written off as meaning “look at me, i’m proud to have the back of all my teammates!”. it’s framed as something personal: “i’m proud to have your back, keith.“

I think keith deadass stopped fighting to smile at this because that’s, THAT’S, what he’s been waiting for, that unspoken reciprocation of “I want to defend you, not just because you’re my teammate, but because you mean something to me, personally.”

back to the point of all this….at least in terms of S1E6, not only is hunk a foil to lance, hunk’s relationship with shay is foil to lance’s relationship with keith.

hunk was suspicious from the moment they set foot on the planet, and lance completely gave himself over to blissful gullibility the moment they set foot on the planet. hunk honors his connection to shay by remaining confident and steadfast in his desire to fulfill his promise to her. lance could not be less confident about anything to do with his connection to keith. he doesn’t want to have to honor or promise anything, for fear of what that would mean.

“for fear of what that would mean”

hunk doesn’t care what embracing his connection with shay could “mean”. what if he falls in love with her or something?? whatever, that’s irrelevant! shut up pidge!

lance, on the other hand, does care what embracing his connection could mean. what if he falls in love withWHAT it could mean is unthinkable and Will Not be considered as something even to consider, because it’s not a thing. to consider. anyway where’s a Fantasy Girl when you need one? ah there’s one, let’s have a connection babe! also, could you stop doing things that remind me of a certain nobody, cause I want this to be all about us, you and me, and wow this is so romantic, us flying together over beautiful alien landscapes–I mean it’s NOT, except, like, it is in thiscontext, duh…

*smh at lance blushing to himself like ten times in one sequence*

hunk admittedly has it easier since he’s straight and shay is a girl and he has no emotional hold ups to stop him from telling the world how important shay has become to him after their…hm…bonding experience, you might say. even with romantic potential taken from the equation, he’s no less intent on acting on how much he cares about her.

to hunk, a theoretical seed of romantic love being planted in his heart or something is irrelevant to what his connection to her means to him. while his connection to her is definitely not as sterile as simply feeling obligated to repay the debt of his life being saved, it’s not defined by it’s Potential As A Romance! either. pidge acknowledges this by teasing hunk about shay being “a girlfriend” in front of everyone because pidge knows it wouldn’t affect his decisions or judgement.

in contrast: in S3, pidge is the first to look straight to lance when it becomes clear keith needs a pep talk. does she say something like, “he’s your boyfriend, lance.” fuck no, because that would be totally appropriate in the moment. but what about something more appropriate? even something innocuous like, “Lance, can you please set him straight?” wait… the point is, even if the situation weren’t so serious, pidge wouldn’t have teased him, and at this point, she’s not even going to dare acknowledge in words that keith sees him Differently from the others. in that S3 moment, if pidge had said anything along those lines, lance’s brain would have shorted and keith would NOT have gotten any needed pep talk that day or any day soon. instead, everyone lets the situation resolve itself, because sure enough lance steps up and it does the trick, and jesus if lance isn’t an oblivious motherfu

so chances are pidge - and shiro too - know lance’s decisions and judgement are absolutely affected when the nature of his relationship with keith is mentioned. because unlike hunk, he does care about that “nature” and what it means.  

hell, he almost managed to get out from under from nyma’s influence and stop the blue lion from being stolen, but then she mentions keith while he’s still in her arms and whoops, JUDGEMENT AFFECTED.

when it matters, hunk’s connection to shay is not clouded by any potential extraneous *coughromanticcough* feelings for her, and that makes it possible for him to be a hero. and since he’s a foil to lance, his unclouded heroism intentionally brings out how much lance’s connection to keith is clouded by potential extraneous feelings. rather than heroism, shit happens like lance getting his own lion stolen and being chained to a tree.

but S3 shows beautifully that lance isn’t meant to stay like that forever. even though he still majorly struggles with self esteem unrelated to keith specifically, his maturity (and exposure therapy, tbh) has caused any feelings related to keith specifically to no longer sabotage his performance as a paladin. he doesn’t feel the need to one-up keith so much anymore, and he’s actually willing to step down from being a paladin so keith doesn’t have to, acknowledging that keith is an objectively better pilot, or at least at piloting Red. since lance is more confident in his role supporting the team from the back instead of insisting on proving himself on the front lines with keith and the others, he’s able to use his bayard as a sniper rifle for the first time rather than his usual short/mid-range blaster. lance is more effective on the team than ever, and it’s a national tragedy that he doesn’t appreciate his own improvement.

hunk is by no means a character there simply to contrast lance’s issues, but i think that it’s intriguing how he’s used in E6 to identify lance’s issue without spelling it out. and lance’s issue isn’t that his good judgement is compromised by his flirty personality, it’s that his good judgement is compromised by the toxic subjugation of his own emotions.

finally, I want to return to the first half of the two-part “core message”:

it is wrong to punish someone just because they are not who you wish them to be

i’ll be concise with this elaboration. this message was presented three different ways:

the Voltron team didn’t kill or unnecessarily punish nyma and rolo for being “criminals after all”

at first lance punishes keith (by dismissing and ignoring him) even though keith literally did nothing other than bring up a touchy subject. but eventually lance sees sense and comes to accept that, regardless of how he still feels, it’s wrong to take his emotional upheaval out on keith.

keith could have been way more pissed at lance for all his shit on the nyma/rolo planet. but it seems to me he understood that there was no point in “punishing” lance (i.e. not being forthcoming, not cooperating with this whole connection thing, being his flirty self) for…being lance. after all, technically all lance has done wrong, considering nyma was receptive to lance’s advances, is make that one asshole comment at the dining table at the beginning of the episode.

conclusion

assuming we’re not all totally delusional about the trajectory of keith and lance’s relationship, we should be (and you probably already are) impressed that vld’s writers clearly understand that they have to be more crafty with lance and keith’s relationship development. in E6, they couldn’t show lance angst over keith directly. that would have been an unauthentic portrayal of lance’s character, not to mention it would have shown their hand too soon, which is not ideal (and maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I’m assuming vld’s producers need the nature of lance and keith’s relationship kept on the down-low as long as possible while they continue to build their viewer base, but when the preferred ending of the series is not at stake, i.e. vld is renewed the X number of times necessary to greenlight the final season containing the intended “endgame state”, they can do whatever the hell they want in that final season, like, you know, casually make history). nevertheless, lance’s relationship with keith still needs to be developed, and it would also be unrealistic - and very poor storytelling on principle - for lance’s feelings to abruptly be made explicit without any evidence of them existing or developing in previous seasons.

examples of craftiness in just S1E6:

focusing on hunk and his behavior to directly contrast lance and his behavior

using nyma as a perfectly timed opportunity for lance to reveal his emotional turmoil caused by the bonding moment referred to in the beginning of the episode

basically using the whole Voltron Gets Shanghaied plot as the stage and set for the aftermath of the bonding moment to be properly recognized and realistically portrayed

bonus - this conversation exchange:

shiro: It’s our first big rescue mission. He’s excited.

pidge: Excited to see his new gIRLfriENd.

hunk: [gasps] She’s not my girlfriend! She’s just a rock that I met and I admire very much.  

…that I can totally see being used to parallel to some future conversation like, I dunno:

shiro: Recon missions are his favorite. He’s excited.

pidge: Excited to work with his pARtNER.

lance: [gasps] He’s not my partner! We just team up sometimes because our skills happen to be very compatible.

anyway i love my rainbow space nerds and smothering them in meta, thx for reading~~

[beauticate]

Kayla Itsines, Fitness Entrepreneur

If you’ve ever Googled the words ‘bikini body’ – and zero judgement if you did it while eating a doughnut – then you’ve no doubt seen the seemingly effortless athletic prowess (and body to match) of fitness guru, Kayla Itsines. At just 27 she has leveraged her personal training business into a major empire, both thanks to her devoted Instagram following of 10 million and counting, and her tireless work ethic. Having recently announced she is about to become a first time parent along with fiancé and business partner, Tobi Pearce, Kayla chatted with us about getting hooked on personal training, her Greek heritage’s influence on her diet, the makeup she wears even to the gym and the bump-friendly changes she is making to her beloved workouts.

“I have always loved being fit and healthy and played a number of sports growing up. Coaching kids basketball inspired me to pursue studies in Personal Training. 

After receiving my qualifications, I worked in a women’s only gym as a trainer and soon expanded to group training sessions from my house. Tobi and I also started running bootcamps. Basically I absolutely fell in love with personal training from day one of my studies and I haven’t looked back since! 

The best part of my job is being able to meet the women in my community and learn about their journeys – it’s a humbling experience. 

I love that I am able to help women all over the world to find confidence through my BBG (Bikini Body Guide) programs. 

I really try and take a minimalist approach to beauty, and only use a small amount of products that help keep my skin moisturised and hydrated. 

One of my go-to products is the Envy U Charcoal Loofah Scrub which helps to cleanse my skin, battle my pregnancy dermatitis and calm any potential breakouts. I follow that with a moisturizer for sensitive skin. I exfoliate once a week and do a face mask every 8-10 days to keep my skin looking and feeling bright and healthy. Most importantly, no matter what time of year, I always wear sunscreen.

I aim for a beauty look that is simple, light and fresh. 

As my skin is quite sensitive at the moment thanks to pregnancy hormones I am making a conscious effort not to wear makeup and focusing instead on a simple skincare routine. I always wear eyeliner and mascara as daily staples. 

My personal style is athletic and sporty. I like to keep it simple and normally wear my favourite Lululemon shorts, any comfortable crop, loose tank and white trainers.

I also love to try out new activewear brands and don’t really have one designer that I prefer. However a brand I really love at the moment is Alo Yoga - their material is beautiful and super comfortable during pregnancy. 

Ageing is only natural but I believe preventing the signs of it we aren’t so keen on is key.

I swear by sunscreen, LED light treatments and exfoliation to remove the build up of dead skin cells. When it comes to changes in our bodies I think we all have areas we would like to improve, but overall I try and appreciate mine for what it can do. 

Being healthy and fit makes me feel like the best version of myself and is the best way for me to take care of my body and mind.

When I am eating well and being active, it makes me feel more energised and confident. The two things I swear by are walking and a Mediterranean diet. It includes lots of fresh foods like homegrown fruits and vegetables, pita bread with olive oil and oregano, stuffed vegetables with rice and herbs, fresh tomato salads with olive oil, and grilled or roasted meat or seafood with boiled greens. 

My main focus during my pregnancy is maintaining a healthy level of fitness and walking everyday, while listening to my body and doing what feels right and comfortable at the time.

During this stage of my pregnancy I am using my BBG Stronger program, with alterations to suit where I’m at. These include removing any jumping and excessive ab exercises (with the exception of side planks) and when I use weight machines, making sure to go a level down from what I usually would do. When I’m not doing a BBG-inspired workout, I do some low intensity cardio like walking on my treadmill for 30 minutes. My goal is to maintain a healthy level of fitness and walking as much as possible throughout my pregnancy. This means listening closely to my body and adjusting my workouts based on what feels comfortable and right at the time. 

Story by Zoe Briggs. Photography from Kayla Itsines.