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crowhyun · 2 years

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Level Infinity Chapter 9

Warnings: None

Words: 5.1k

AN: I’m not sure if a specific person is going to read this, but theres a little surprise in this chapter if you can recall back to when I asked for yall to make up some characters to put in my stories :D

Also, I’m on a laptop and I’m not sure exactly how to work things while on here so my posts aren’t going to look like I want them to lol sry

"Yeonjun?" You looked over to him, and he raised a brow. "Can we talk?"

"Uh, yeah?" He said. "Go ahead."

"Alone." You said. Everyone else was a bit busy at helping Mark with his notes, each one telling their own unique experience of the levels they had just witnessed.

You tilted your head towards the door and he hesitated before getting up and following you to the other room. Closing the door behind you, you noticed how awkward Yeonjun seemed.

"So, uh, what did you want to talk about?" He asked.

"You and Soobin." You said, and he rolled his eyes, already knowing what this was going to be about. "And that. That attitude you have."

"Does it really matter, though?"

"Yes." You said. "It matters a lot. There is too big of a problem between you two and there shouldn't be. I know none of us really know each other well, but the most important thing we need here is proper communication and teamwork. Otherwise, we're as good as dead."

"Why do I need to develop that with you guys when I'm only here to be back with the people I came here with?" Yeonjun said. "I have no intention to be friends or to even be on friendly terms with you guys, especially not with Soobin. If we get along, we get along, but obviously that's not working, so just leave it alone."

"Do you not have even an ounce of appreciation in you?" You frowned. "You would still be on that ship if it wasn't for us. We could have just taken Taehyun and left without any of your help."

"Without any of my help?" He looked you in the eyes, a small fire within them. "Did you forget who saved you back on that ship? Without me, you would've been dead."

"You're quite proud of doing something that Taehyun could've done just as easily." You scoffed. "And I paid you back that favor in the last level. Don't be so full of yourself, Yeonjun. Be glad we have enough good in us to not abandon you here and force you to find your way. Learn to work as a teammate, because you're the one who wanted to be here in the first place."

Yeonjun didn't say anything, but you could tell he was livid under his chill facade.

"And please...Soobin has been through enough already. We all have. So stop arguing."

"But Soobin- "

"I know what Soobin does, and I'll tell him the same thing." You interrupted, feeling like you were scolding a child. "You guys need to learn to get along. Also, you're kind of bitchy to Mark, will you tone it down? He's genuinely so kind and harmless, there is no reason for that. And stop being rude to Tae- "

"Okay, okay, shit, I got it." He frowned, shaking his head, heading towards the door. "I guess I'll shut the fuck up, then."

"Well, like my parents would say, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."

"Stop talking." He said, walking out, and you just chuckled, not taking any offense to it. You weren't too swayed by the way Yeonjun acted, you just didn't like the apparent rivalry between him and Soobin. You felt that maybe Yeonjun wasn't too bad of a person on the inside. Maybe it was just something that you would be able to see after getting used to him.

"Where did you guys go?" Mark said once you both entered the other room. As expected, Soobin did not look happy.

"I just needed to talk to him." You said, sitting next to Soobin on the bed. "Are you still writing the notes?"

"Yeah." Mark nodded. "So far, I just need more notes on our current level. This one is so peculiar. It's like...there's danger all around, but it's not...dangerous? Maybe there's a colony on this level. I want to go out and explore, but the buildings keep moving, and I don't want to lose this one..."

"We can explore after we're all rested up." You spoke. "Once we have no need for food, water, and a place to rest, we can take all of our stuff and leave."

"I think that's a good idea." Mark said. He continued to talk about his notes, and you noticed that Soobin was glaring at Yeonjun, Yeonjun glaring right back at him. Grabbing Soobin's arm, you leaned in closer, whispering in his ear.

"Stop it." You whispered. He looked away from him, huffing an angry breath through his flared nostrils.

"I think I have enough for now." Mark said, closing his notebook and putting it safe and sound in his bag. "Hopefully, our stuff won't be in jeopardy again." He sighed.

"It's probably time to rest now." You said, looking between Yeonjun and Soobin. "I'm tired."

"She's right." Mark nodded.

"I'm not tired." Taehyun spoke. "I'll just keep watch."

"You sure?" You asked him, eyebrows furrowed in worry, and he nodded. You wondered how he wasn't tired with all of the shit that went down recently. "Alright then..."

With one last look at Yeonjun and Soobin, you followed Mark and Taehyun out of the room. There was lingering anxiety about what would happen with those two being alone for so long, but you also had trust in them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone was up and ready to leave, bags slung over their shoulders. You had checked everyone to make sure there was no underlying symptoms of insanity radiating from them, and once everything had seemed safe, you felt calm again. Soobin nor Yeonjun brought up how it was being alone together, and you took that well. Nothing bad had happened, then.

You wouldn't say your sleep was very fulfilling, but it was enough to have you awake.

"We're probably going to lose this building, guys..." Mark said. "But I have no doubt there will be another one that we can find if we end up being here for too long. Let's go."

As the unofficial leader of this group, Mark lead us out of the building and back into the streets of level 11. The skies were still bright, as if the day hadn't changed at all, and just like you all had guessed, the buildings had looked different from when you first showed up. You sighed, worry evident on your face.

"How are we going to find an exit?" You said, looking around at all the buildings.

"I have no idea." Mark frowned. "Our best bet is to somehow find a colony here and maybe they'd be able to help."

You guys started walking an invisible path to seemingly nowhere. It reminded you of level one, which seemed like an infinite warehouse, and you had no path to walk along. The only difference was that you were completely alone.

"Maybe one of these buildings will lead us to the next level." Taehyun said. "That's all there is here."

"That would be a lot easier if these buildings didn't look exactly the same." Mark said. "Why is it that splitting up seems like the best and worst idea at the same time."

"It'd be the best idea if we had a way to communicate from far distances." Soobin said. "We have no phones...not even a walkie-talkie."

"It's a boomer's dream world." You laughed, looking into the distance. Your smile slowly dropped as you saw moving figures in the distance, and you squinted your eyes to see better. "Wait...do you guys see that?"

"Yeah." Taehyun said, as if he'd been watching the figures all this time. Everyone else looked at what it was, silence coming over all of you.

"What if they're just entities?" Soobin asked.

"Doubt." Yeonjun said. "They look normal."

"Whatever they are, they'd probably be useful in some way." Mark said, walking faster. "Come on."

You all eventually approached the figures, them watching as you guys came closer. They did, in fact, look like regular people.

"Uh...hello," Mark said, raising a hesitant hand. The strangers just looked you guys up and down, not saying a word. Mark looked back at you, and you shrugged your shoulders, not knowing what exactly was going on.

"Do you guys know how to speak?" Yeonjun asked, frown etched on his face, and they still chose to be silent. "What the fuck...?"

"Hi, we're wanderers...?" Mark said. "Do you...have any directions for a way out to the next level or anything? If not, then we'll be on our way."

"Where have you come from?" One of the strangers asked.

"Huh?" Mark asked, surprised that they've suddenly spoke.

"What level have you come from?" He said more adamantly.

"Oh, uh, we came from Level Fun." Mark gulped. The strangers trailed their gaze over each one of you, silent for a solid minute before pointing up at a building east of you.

"You may find your answer there." He said. "There's 10 earth minutes before the cycle starts again, as long as you make it there in time, you will be fine."

"10 earth minutes?" You asked. "How long is that here?" They didn't answer, going silent once more. You all looked at each other, confused.

"9 earth minutes." He spoke again. "Unless you're able to buy from us, you best be on your way."

"Oh, a-alright." Mark said, and immediately started turning east. You all hesitantly followed him, and you turned around a few times, keeping an eye on the strange people. Once you guys were far enough away from them, you turned back.

"Do you guys think they could be wanderers?" You asked. "Or a part of a colony?"

"Must be a part of a colony." Taehyun said. "Only a colony would be able to set up a place where others can buy from them."

"Damn it." Mark cursed. "I should've asked them what it was called. It would be helpful for our notes."

"Too late now. We should hurry up before the buildings start to move again." Yeonjun said, pushing past everyone to lead the group.

"Is that what he meant by 'the cycle'?" You asked.

"Most likely." Mark said, stepping in front of Yeonjun and looking towards the building the stranger pointed to. "I wonder what's so special about it..."

Once you all made it to the building, you walked in before the buildings could start to shift once again. It was quite cold and empty inside, which confused you. If the answers were here, then wouldn't there be someone, or something, here? Instead, it looked like a barren office building.

"What if it was all a lie?" Yeonjun asked. "And they just spat some bullshit out their mouths for fun?"

"Then this would be a waste." Mark said. "But we don't know that yet. The building isn't that big, it's just...tall. And for obvious purposes, let's...not use the elevators."

"What exactly are we looking for?" Soobin asked.

"That's the thing...I don't know." Mark answered.

"It's a surprise that we were even able to get this far without really knowing anything." You added on. "But if that isn't enough evidence that we'd be able to find the next level, I don't know what is."

You all started to tread up the staircase, exploring each barren floor of the building. There wasn't much on each floor, other than broken computers and unimportant papers that were tossed around by the wind that seemed to blow from nowhere. The place seemed empty of food, water, or anything useful for that matter. What exactly was so important about this building that the strangers had to point it out? Maybe Yeonjun was right, maybe it was just a lie.

"I'm starting to believe it is to use to keep going." Mark said, legs burning as he got to the top of yet another staircase. "And these bitemarks aren't making anything easier."

"There's got to be something here." You frowned. "Doorways to the next levels are usually weird. Just like how touching that rubber ducky brought us to level fun, maybe there's something just as odd here that we can touch."

"Well, that's the problem." Taehyun said, brushing over random objects that scattered the empty cubicles of the floor. "Nothing here is odd. This is just some deserted office building."

"There could be a doorway that leads somewhere." Soobin said, looking at the number on his hand. Once he saw that it still said the number 11, he dropped his hand down with a frown. "It would make sense if whatever we were looking for was on the top floor."

"It would if we were in a game, but this isn't a game." Yeonjun said.

"Except it literally is." You cut your eyes at him. "Have you forgotten how Taehyun, Soobin, and I got here? Everything about this is a game. Imagine teleporting inside of Mario Bros. It's all fun and cute on the outside looking in, isn't it?"

"I don't think I'd ever play those games the same again." Mark said. "I'd probably cry."

"You don't even know if you'd be able to play those games again." Taehyun scoffed. "If we keep talking here, you could just rule that off your bucket list."

"Jeez, what a fuckin' buzzkill." You muttered under your breath as you watched Taehyun go back to the staircase. You were about to follow him when Taehyun suddenly stopped in his tracks. You waited for him to give an explanation, but he was silent. "What's wrong?" You asked.

"Do you guys hear that?" He turned back, brows furrowed as his jaw flexed, eyes looking up. After a few seconds passed, Yeonjun huffed.

"What are you talking ab-"

"Shhh!" Taehyun put his finger up to his mouth, glaring as Yeonjun, then looking back up. With light footsteps, he continued up the stairs, and with curiosity, you followed closely behind him. You couldn't hear anything before, but the closer you go to the next level, the more you could hear.

"Are you sure you know how to work this, Arin?"

"Yeah, my dad worked with this kind of stuff, and he taught me a few things. As long as we get this working, then we can..."

The voice trailed off into silence, and you froze in your steps.

"Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"...it sounded like someone was here. Like a footstep or something."

More silence. Taehyun looked at you with wide eyes. Someone was on the next level, and just like you guys had heard them, they heard you too. With the rest of the boys behind you, no one dared to make a sound or to move an inch.

Grabbing onto the handrail of the staircase tighter, you heard footsteps start to make their way to the stairs. Looking behind you, you saw Mark start to slowly grab one of the guns from his bag, making sure there was at least something to protect you all.

You were able to see the top of the staircase that led to the next floor just by looking up and a bit behind you, and that's when you saw someone step their foot on the stair, clad in dirty white platform boots. From where they were, you knew that they just had to have been able to see at least Taehyun from that angle.

The one in the platform boots had a light step to them, but right beside them was one with a heavy black boot, fearless as they started to stomp down the stairs.

With as quick as they were, Taehyun didn't care about the noise he made, hurriedly grabbing a gun out of his bag and pointing it straight at the figure that then showed themself.

At that moment, Yeonjun, Soobin, nor Mark knew exactly why the gun had slowly slipped out of Taehyun's hand, dropping onto the linoleum floor with a loud clunk.

"B-Beomgyu!" Taehyun stuttered. Right at the top of the staircase was not a stranger, nor was it a dangerous entity. Instead, it was no one other than Beomgyu in the flesh, black hair brushing just past his shoulders and looking dimmer in the eyes than he did before you were all sucked into this dangerous world.

Soobin looked at Mark, as if questioning him on whether 'Beomgyu' was the name of your missing friend, as he didn't remember.

"Taehyun...?" Beomgyu's eyes widened, and he looked behind Taehyun, making eye contact with you, who was speechless. "(Y/N)?...Holy shit."

Just then, the other person with him showed themselves, looking upon you all with curiosity. It was a girl who was much shorter than Beomgyu, and her hair reached past the middle of her back. She was...cute. Her face was round and soft, except for a few scars here and there, but the large sword in her hand contrasted from her looks.

"Do you know them?" She turned to Beomgyu, voice a bit lower than you would've guessed. Beomgyu ignored her, aggressively grabbing Taehyun by his arm and pulling him into a tight hug. Not wanting to feel left out, you ran the rest of the way up the stairs and joined in the hug. You had never thought that you'd be reunited with your best friends as quick as it happened, and it was like the world disappeared in your embrace with them.

"Where the actual hell have you two been?" Beomgyu asked once you all parted from the hug.

"Where have you been?" You retorted, a large smile on your face. "I never expected to find you here, I was afraid we'd have to find our way to level 9 to find you."

"We..." Beomgyu trailed off, looking behind you to see the strangers that he had never met. "I'm guessing that you've been through a few levels."

"Same for you." Taehyun said, looking over at the girl, who was clearly confused.

"Beomgyu, who are they?" She asked him. You tilted your head to the side. Did he not mention you and Taehyun to her? He had to have mentioned you guys once like you had mentioned Beomgyu to the others.

Beomgyu looked back at her with a smile. "I'll explain later." He said, then looked back at you and Taehyun. "We have some catching up to do, but we don't have time now. We need help, follow me."

He hurried up the rest of the stairs to the floor he was on before, the girl hesitantly following behind him, but constantly turning around to look at you. She didn't seem very dangerous, but she slightly weirded you out. Maybe Beomgyu had found her just like how you found Soobin, and he dragged her along with him through the levels.

Once you were all upstairs, Beomgyu led you all to a certain cubicle that looked pretty identical to the other ones throughout the building, except this time, the computer sitting atop the desk actually worked. The screen was dimly lit, although it flickered occasionally.

"This...Arin and I found this computer while exploring the building, and it's the only one that works in the building." Beomgyu said, then he pointed to the corner of the screen where there was one small bar of internet connection. "Not only is there enough electricity to power this, but there's wi-fi here. This is the first level we've been on that had wi-fi connection. We're trying to find a way to get more, but we have no idea where a router could be."

"...so?" Yeonjun spoke up for the first time since meeting the two. "What is wi-fi going to do here?"

"It's not just about what the wi-fi could do for us, it's about where the wi-fi comes from." The girl, Arin, said. "Wi-fi doesn't just appear out of nowhere. It's regulated by someone, most likely a group, a team of people, and it's pulled from a source of power, whether that be a power plant, a dam, or something else. That means that a colony is nearby, and that colony could give answers as to where the next level is." She spoke quickly, energy flowing through her words, and she seemed confident in what she was saying.

"Arin thinks that the connection could come from underground, but...as far as we know, there's no way to actually get underground." Beomgyu said. "The buildings shift so often, and with that, the streets do, too."

"Honestly..." Mark frowned. "We can't help much with that. We haven't been on this level for long, and we haven't even thought about the idea of going underground."

"Well...that's something we'll all have to figure out together." Beomgyu sighed. "Right? You guys aren't...leaving, right?"

"The reason we even went this far was to find you." You smiled. "I'm not sure about the others, but Taehyun and I are not leaving."

Soobin frowned, deciding to keep silent. He was happy that you had found your other best friend, of course, but it seemed that the more people showed up, the more he was pushed to the side. He was the first one to stick to your side here, but he felt unimportant. Like everyone else was priority over him. It was you, Beomgyu, and Taehyun, and everyone else was just...'others'. You two had a connection, though, right? You two had been through a lot together, so he was just as important as Taehyun and Beomgyu...right?

"Good." Beomgyu gave a reassuring smile. "Before we do anything, though...I wanna know what you guys have been up to!" He giggled, doing small jumps up and down. Despite the circumstances, he still seemed like his old self. "We all need a little break, right? Who knows if the next level is gonna be crazy dangerous, let's chill." He grabbed the chair from the desk, and plopped down in it, making himself comfortable. He then noticed how no one moved, tense as ever and confused. "What? Sit down, or something, why are we looking so stressed? There's no dangerous entities here, and it's not like we have a time limit or anything."

"You may not have a time limit, but the only reason I'm here is because I have people that I need to find, so we need to get a move on." Yeonjun growled. Beomgyu recoiled in surprise, putting a dramatic hand on his chest and raising his eyebrows.

"Okay, grumpy, I understand your hurry, but I don't think I can work with you if I don't even know your name, you feel me?" Beomgyu said. "Think of us like coworkers now. You're with my good friends (Y/N) and Taehyun, so let's get to know each other so we won't be awkward, yeah? Sit, sit." He waved his hands down and you followed suit, sitting down on the floor and dragging Yeonjun to sit next to you. He scowled at you, fits balling in anger.

"Yeonjun, we should all get acquainted with each other while we're in a safe level. Who knows when we'll get this chance again?" You whispered to him, then you flinched as you felt someone push into you as they sat down next to you. You turned to see it was Soobin, and he didn't even look at you or apologize. You were a bit confused, but you just brushed it off. He's been so moody lately.

Everyone else sat down, Arin sitting on the floor next to Beomgyu, a wary look in her eyes as she scanned all of you. She was like Beomgyu's guard dog.

Beomgyu was the only one in a chair, appearing like a teacher teaching a second-grade class.

"Everyone, let me introduce myself!" Beomgyu smiled. "My name is Choi Beomgyu, aka (Y/N)'s and Taehyun's bestest friend. And this is my new friend, Arin!" He gestured towards the girl sitting next to him. "How about we all go in a circle and introduce ourselves."

"I didn't sign up for school introductions-"

"My name is Mark!" Mark perked up, a large smile on his face. "It's nice to meet you, Beomgyu and Arin."

"It's nice to meet you too, Mark." Beomgyu smiled, then he slowly looked over at Yeonjun, everyone else doing the same. Yeonjun didn't dare speak a word, a slow fire building up in his sharp eyes.

"This is Yeonjun." You spoke up for him. "And this is Soobin." You knew that Soobin wouldn't want to speak either. You found those two to be similar for a reason.

"Yeonjun and Soobin must be shy." Beomgyu giggled, then his smile faltered and dropped as he looked at you and Taehyun. "But seriously though...where were you guys?"

You were surprised at how serious he got in such a quick manner, but you were wondering the same thing about Beomgyu. Hell, you were happy he was even alive.

"Well...we had an idea as to where you two were." You said, referring to you, Soobin, and Mark. "But I started on level 0...right where we left off at while playing the game."

"...game?" Arin spoke up, and Beomgyu's eyes widened as his gaze flickered from side to side.

"Wait...do you not know how Beomgyu came here?" Taehyun frowned.

"W-we just met, like, I don't know, a few levels ago." Beomgyu said. "I wasn't...I wasn't planning on telling her..." He looked down at her, eyes wide with the slightest hint of fear.

"So, you guys came from the game, as in, Level Infinity?" Arin asked, eyebrows raised high. "I understand not trusting others enough to mention it, but do you not trust me, Beomgyu? A few levels ago is, like, equivalent to a few weeks."

"Time seems to fly by here..." Beomgyu said, avoiding eye contact. "But now you know. And you won't be telling anyone, right?"

"Do you think this is just some big party where everyone knows everyone or something?" Arin frowned, rolling her eyes. "I don't even have no one to tell. You can trust me."

Beomgyu nodded, relaxing as he was let off the hook.

"Soobin came from the game as well." You said, gesturing towards the man beside you.

"Oh, really?" Beomgyu's eyes widened with interest. "What character did you pick?"

"T-the smiler..." Soobin answered quietly.

"Oooh, scary." Beomgyu smiled. "I've got to see that in action."

"So, the powers thing is true?" Arin looked bamboozled.

"Yes, it's all true!" Mark said, excited. "(Y/N) can grow huge metal wings, Soobin can turn into a smiler, and Taehyun can grow these large heavy claws! I've seen it all, and they've saved our lives! Beomgyu, what power do you have?"

"Oh...uh, I chose the tentacle guy." Beomgyu said, but he seemed a bit unsure. "I mean, nothing has happened to me, yet. I've heard of the rumors about the powers, but I didn't think they were actually true."

"Really?" You tilted your head in question. "It hasn't come out once? Not even when you're in danger?"

"Well, shit, it would've been helpful to come out during the times I was seconds away from dying." Beomgyu sighed. "I've had to do things the normal way. Level 9 was exhausting."

"You must've been through a lot." You frowned. "I don't think we would've made it here if it weren't for our powers, honestly. I always knew you were strong."

Beomgyu smiled and looked down, seeming a bit bashful before he changed the subject. "Anyways...how did you all find each other?"

You all explained your stories to Beomgyu, telling him every step of the way as to how you all made it to the current level. Despite telling him all of the...exciting details, you were most curious with how he ended up here, and how he met Arin.

"I still can't believe you had to start from level 0." Beomgyu shook his head after you showed him your black leg. "Having two close encounters with a clump is not for the faint of heart."

"Yeah..." You sighed, rolling your pant leg back to where it was before.

"How did you get here?" Taehyun asked, looking between Beomgyu and Arin.

"Ooh, let me tell you." He took a deep breath. "So, like, as you guys know, I started from level 9, and level 9 seemed innocent and all, I guess. Think of this level, but instead of a city, it was like a suburban neighborhood, but it was always nighttime. I started in this random house, and it was so scary at first, because it was dark, but the house was safe. There was food and water, and even weapons. But leaving the house wasn't the best choice. There were entities everywhere, and unlike this level, they were all dangerous. The worst one was...The Mangled. Or that's what they call it." His face went grim at the thought of the entity. "I don't think I want to explain what happened on that level. Let's just...try our hardest to avoid level 9. I barely even made it out..."

You felt a chill down your spine. You've seen and encountered quite a bit of entities while here, the worst one being Shotaro, or what people call 'The Thing on Level 7'. You couldn't imagine the fact that The Mangled could possibly be even more dangerous.

"Anyways, I ended up making it to level 10." He spoke. "That's where I found Arin."

"I used to live in level 10 for some time, actually." She added. "There almost no one there, including entities. It's just an endless wheat field with a few small houses scattered here and there. I'm still not sure how Beomgyu found me."

"Well, I was fucking starving, and there was a nearby house, so I broke in and she was there." He laughed. "It's relieving to find other people to come along with in these levels. I'm sure you felt the same way when you found Soobin." Beomgyu smiled.

"Y'know, this is cool and all, but I think we really should get going now." Yeonjun said, looking at you as if he was only speaking to you. "You've found your friends, now I would really, really, like to find mine." His eyebrows were furrowed, but his eyes were almost pleading. If you were anything like Yeonjun, you'd know exactly how he felt, and there was that feeling of emptiness on the inside when you were separated from your friends in a place as dangerous as this, not knowing if they were alive or not. Despite the attitude he usually donned, you knew that there was a growing pain inside of Yeonjun that needed to be healed and sitting around wasn't going to heal him.

"He's right." You said, getting up, and dusting your pants off. "I think it's about time for us to try finding the next level. I'm sick of this level, anyways."

Yeonjun seemed relieved that someone was finally listening to him, and he stood up as well.

"Alright then..." Beomgyu sighed. "There's seven of us, now, so...let's not be too worried about how the next level will go, yeah?"

"Oh, by the way, Arin-" Mark reached in his bag to bring out his notebook. "While we're trying to find a way underground, can you describe to me exactly how level 10 was? Since you've lived there, hopefully, you know a lot about it so that I can write my notes about it and your experience there, and then maybe you could..."

Yeonjun rolled his eyes at Mark's non-stop talking, already making his way towards the staircase. Beomgyu took one last look at the blinking computer before following suit. There had to be a use for wi-fi in these levels. Maybe...it could serve to connect them all to the real world, and maybe they could find a way out from there. Or maybe it would be the first and last trace of wi-fi they would witness while stuck in the backrooms...

Taglist:

@petrichor-han @bluesoobinnie @axolotlboo @xcookiemonsteer @strawbrinkofdeath @jaxavance @junhit @y4wnjunz @rosie-is-everywhere @jjunisangel @ddemonseonghwa @s0obinluvr

#txt angst #txt fluff #txt smut #txt yeonjun #txt soobin #txt beomgyu #txt huening kai #txt taehyun #nct mark #level infinity #crowhyun #kpop #txt x reader #soobin x reader #yeonjun x reader #beomgyu x reader #taehyun x reader #huening kai x reader

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bitter-sweet-coffee · 3 years

Text

one more bsc hot take for the evening:

i like shadow and infinite together because they fucking vibe man, like. imagine if shadow had not been infinite's 13th reason, here are their common grounds:

- lost their (found) family members because they failed to save them

- felt empty, bored, purposeless

- like to be alone, keep to themselves

- morally grey: sometimes they're good, but the means by which they do good acts will never be acceptable (mercenary, ULF who uses brunt force to finish the job quickly)

- tried to take over the world

- got manipulated and weaponized by eggman and discarded when they weren't of use

- feel like failures, compensate with power

- suck at emotional vulnerability

- weapons of mass destruction

sounds good so far, right? here are some differences:

- shadow didn't have a choice as an experiment, infinite was manipulated into doing it but still somewhat consented but he started out ordinary and made himself after failure.

- shadow had the cast reach out: amy spoke to him, sonic engaged with him in a friendly-rivalry matter, rouge kept tabs on him the whole time. everyone in forces pointed out that infinite was alone and friendless but did nothing about it besides making jokes or saying "oh that's sad lol anyways"

- infinite likes to be independent based on status (which is why he works for eggman and submits to being ordered around: he's independent because he's special and powerful, not by being alone). shadow likes to be independent because he was created to obey and has a tendency to be manipulated (by older male figures especially, probably because he was made by black doom and gerald) so doing whatever he wants is super liberating

- infinite wants praise and affirmations for what he does, shadow just wants to not fuck up or start shit because it seems like every formative moment in his life killed people

and many other things i could touch on. my reasoning for them being pals?

- infinite doesn't give a shit what he does as long as he's doing it well and being praised, so working with shadow would be entertaining (morally ambiguous and sporadic)

- shadow wouldn't have someone trying to control him: infinite might bitch and complain, but has reached the point where he knows shadow can't be outmatched so there's no sense in fighting him. infinite would work with him and not make it a sappy "power of teamwork and friendship!!!" adventure because infinite doesn't want that either

- infinite has nothing to lose besides his pride, shadow has nothing to lose besides his freedom from organized groups trying to use him (GUN, eggman empire, the resistance, black arms, team dark at times, etc...). they can do whatever the fuck they want together and not be expected to open up at one another's mercy or some shit

- no moral lectures. they've both killed people and are fine with violence and selfishness, so there's no judgement or reformation: net 0 moral growth

TLDR: i ship them because unlike most of the sonic cast, infinite doesn't challenge or hinder shadow's lifestyle: doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants, however he wants, with no mandated affection or positivity.

do i like making them angsty? yes, because their similarities draw them together but their differences are so fundamental that it creates rifts, fights, and wavering forgiveness between the two which is much more dynamic and passionate than people give it credit for. all those hot but traumatizing villain vs hero prompts you reblog as inspo? the dramatic "hero made the villain" arcs y'all eat up? it's RIGHT. THERE. IN CANON. TAKE IT. YOU HAVE TWO CANON ANGSTY CHARACTERS, WITH ONE'S LORE BEING DEPENDENT ON THE OTHER'S, BAIT BAIT BAIT.

do i also like making infinite a bitchy, trophy wife, sugar baby, gold digger, persistent nuisance that shadow essentially pays to keep out of trouble? yes, because one of infinite's only personality traits is wanting money and attention so it's easy (and hilarious) to pimp him out a bit. this ship can be silly!

above all else, do i like making them friends, soulmates even? which aren't inherently romantic btw, i mean "you understand me without me having to explain myself, thank you for being the same way" type of shit. YES. MORE OF THIS.

#bsc canon lore #sonic analysis #infinite the jackal #shadow the hedgehog #the dog and the hog #shadfinite #infinadow #sonic forces

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jubberry · 3 years

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oohkay let's go tua with those ship asks: fiveya, horrance and alluther.

thanks el i love you

Send me a ship and I'll answer three questions based on if I ship it or not.

fiveya obvs i ship this since this is 90% of my tua drawings lol

1. ill wait ill wait (to be the one) by georgiestauffenberg made me ship it cause holy fuck dude. I dont know if i ship them romantically when i saw them onscreen cause first of all, age difference is kinda weird lmao. Second, they dont rlly interact much outside literally the first couple of eps. But he was so soft for her, and i felt like they had so much unexplored history.

so i looked at fanfics cause i was wondering if ppl still ship it, then i liked the description of this one so i gave it a go.

Basically the premise is that vanya dates a much older man who seems to know a lot about her. And it was amazingly in character and just provided their characters some depth that u wouldnt find outside of a romantic relationship between them. (The implication of five pining while she doesnt know who he is, their missed chances when he time travelled, fives missed chances of living and having a 'normal' life bec of his own hubris, vanyas insecurity and being able to open up bec shes with someone whos known her since childhood). Its so sweet and thats how i was like, oh yep i can do so much more with these two, and what has kept me interested in drawing them etc.

2. My favourite things are the shippers cause i made some friends in the fandom who are super cool and supportive! I dont get super involved in fandoms and usually just watch from afar so finding people to talk to and muck around with in this tiny fandom is super cool 😭

Though thats not to say I havent come across some bad apples in this fandom and things that I dont like. I think thats the importance of carving out a place for yourself and ur friends in fandom tho.

Another thing I like about the ship itself, i just like the grumpy person whos soft for one person trope. Its so cute. I like all the little clues in canon on how their relationship as kids is quite warm, which is interesting cause five is basically the star student and he can be quite cold vs vanya who is the black sheep of the family.

I also like how five likes her powers even when she caused the apocalypse he spent the majority of his life in lol. Like its a popular hc that five is just a wife guy and i love that.

I see vanya as the type who has a lot of love to give, and she sometimes has unrealistic expectations of what her partner can give. Betrayal and lies really angers her, but also when her partner cannot meet her expectations of love she gets very upset bec its also an indication of how shes not good enough, or not loveable enough to be able to have this in the relationship (her insecurity means every failing always comes back to her, even if its out of her control).

I feel like five would be a level-headed person enough in the relationship to not be afraid to say 'vanya ur being stupid' (ie. the s2 confrontation lmao). Also, five's personality means she will never have to doubt his actions bec she knows hes the type who will not give u the moment of the day if hes not interested.

Not to mention they also have the whole apocalypse vs. saviour, hero/villain thing. Theres just a lot to explore!

3. I probably have several. But mostly I dont mind five being a dick to vanya bec first, even if the appeal is hes soft to her hes already kind of a dick in canon lmao. Also, vanya isnt a child. Shes grown and she can handle petty af things like five telling her shes not good at cooking lol. I also dont mind it cause I feel like people are getting too afraid to write... conflict for fear or portraying an abusive relationship or smth. Like, chill. Conflict is fine, resolving it is how u get a story. However in saying that, nobody should be obligated to write any way unless you want to! Fanfic is for comfort so if what your doing is making u happy then its good enough!

horrance which i also ship but i love the platonic and romantic relationship equally:

1. I came in tua in general not shipping anything so Im honestly not sure. I do remember someone doing a meta before s2 came out that was basically how ben acted weird when klaus summoned dave in s1 that made me go 👀 Otherwise, tua s2 rlly made me like them cause tua FED horrance shippers. Like..... the fact that klaus didnt want ben to leave him, and ben knows thats why he stayed 😢 or the fact that klaus was all over him for some reason???? Somebody also mentioned gay ben once and I resonate with that deeply. Like i get that jill exists but i resonate with gay ben deeply.

2. I love their bickering, theyre so cute together. I just like ben being angry bec hes self aware that hes got both shit and amazing taste. Shit bec he cant believes he likes Klaus (and also amazing also bec Klaus). I think the idea of them being kind of underdogs, theyre not rlly leader types and dont want to be, helps them bond together even in platonic horrance. They're both down to earth, and even tho they can annoy each other, they also know if they want a space to feel comfortable its with each other. Theyre not pressured by rivalry over leadership, or any sort of competition.

I love the idea that even tho ben is like klaus's ''conscience'', hes also down for chaos and bitchy. I feel like klaus rlly enabled that side of him, its not exactly a good thing but its p funny lol

3. I know some people think their dynamic is unhealthy but i dont care lol

alluther. So id say i dont ship this, mostly due to the fact that im not invested? Just like all tua ships so far I rlly came out not wanting anything but platonic relationships cause I feel tua doesnt do romance very well. With alluther, theyre so cute but im not super invested in either of their chars so they havent stuck for me. I appreciate seeing them and talking about them tho, and I'm def open to exploring them further.

1. I think tua canon romances are just so lackluster 😔 Idk who writes the romances but I was just like 'nice' but afterwards I dont really think about them. I love their dance scene and the message behind it! Otherwise, theyre sweet like most of the tua romances but im not super invested, same with all the non canon ships.

2. I really feel like tua needs to decide on what their relationship is. Like, just say its incest or not and stick with it 👀 Or if you wanna support it or not, just make up ur mind. I think I would've liked it better if I found the characters more interesting. Allison especially I feel like suffers from the fact that tua just doesn't want to make her ''mean''. They want to make her supportive and are less interested in making her flawed (ie. she should've had a conflict with Vanya in s2, but the writers didnt want to write the girls fighting which is stupid imo and not what that conflict is about).

In regards to Alluther, the scene where Allison gets annoyed at Luther for sleeping with someone else felt out of line. Like, how are you marrying other people and moving on but Luther isn't allowed to? But honestly, I don't mind if they actually just acknowledge it and make it a deliberate part of Allison's trait that Allison can expect a certain loyalty automatically from other people (which can tie in to her childhood being a star, and the rumour).

Luther is a big simp for Allison, which is sweet, but at the same time it would be nice to have him explore himself for a bit, and who he is outside of the academy. Then maybe they can rekindle their relationship again as new people and see where they go from there.

3. I don't hate them, but they're ok. I'm not super invested in them, just like all the tua canon romance. But I wouldn't mind making content for them if I were a bit more invested in their characters. I love their dance scene in s1 and I feel like its super a underrated portrayal of what their relationship is meant to be. I know no one talks about it but it's just such a great scene, and I'm pretty sure the choreographer was into interpretive dance? The scene had a lot of meaning that I don't see people dig around with.

Essentially I'm pretty sure the fairy lights are obviously a throwback to their childhood together, spending time outside of Reggie. So the dance scene kind of symbolized that pocket of space they made for each other in their life (even if theyre far away, or with other people, they will always have that space for each other).

The way they danced was more like playfighting than dancing, which means their relationship isn't sensual. It's more ''pure'', and romantic. Its basically two kids rekindling their love as adults. I also think this is a response to the incest, cause in s1 tua klaus literally said that 'thank god Regg is not their real father' right before Allison and Luther meet lmao. So its kinda like saying Allison x Luther isnt supposed to be 'ohh step sibling hot' but two people who experienced the same trauma as kids and finding comfort with each other (and rekindling that love after many years).

#harcest #fiveya #horrance #i dont think this is anti alluther but i did say i dont ship it #cause im not invested in tua canon romances #i wont tag just in case #ask game #THIS GOT SO LONG

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demetriandelibinaryboyfriends · 4 years

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I know it's been said before buy I just have to say I know the whole demetri and yasmine plot was just so that all the gay undertones of the rivalry and obsession and tension between Demtri and hawk could be easily overlooked

Lololol Anon you’re not even WRONG

Once they yeeted Moon out of the picture the writers were like “Oh shit, better No Homo it again!!!”

I guess in the writer’s (very feeble) defense, they DID set it up kinda, by having Demetri be like “Wow!!! I’d love to have Yasmine spit in my face!!!” and then very atrociously trying to hit on her at the beach party. But I thought his sorta-crush on her was just supposed to be like...comic relief??? Like “haha look at this nerdy guy being hot for this sexy popular chick he’ll never, ever get, isn’t it good memes???” I mean, him coming on to her at the party and just FAILING at every level was so incredibly funny BECAUSE of how much someone like her was just...never going to go for a dude like that in a million years. Like I thought that was the whole joke??? And Cobra Kai seems a bit more realism-leaning than some teen shows in how the teenagers actually act, so I figured from that angle it was gonna be the trope of “nerdy guy into hot popular bitchy girl” set up...but then, Reality Ensues, and she’s not only not remotely interested, but mildly to moderately disgusted at the idea. And that’s the comedy of it.

So yeah, after Season 1, I thought we were done with that whole arc, and it was literally just like...a joke “love” subplot to balance out the more serious relationship difficulties Miguel was having at the time. But now...Yasmine’s back, I guess??? And she apparently did a full 180 and is sorta nice now and went through a bunch of Character Development offscreen, none of which we got to see? So I GUESS her and Demetri were hinted to eventually become a thing, just like...very, very poorly. And in “hints” I assumed we were in no way meant to take seriously at all.

But yeah, the Yasmine/Demetri thing DOES seem kinda thrown in last-minute, given how finished that arc felt back in s1. And we only ever really get to see Yasmine when she’s interacting with Demetri, so it really feels like she was only brought back to be his love interest, which like...VERY weird flex, Cobra Kai writers, but okay :/

It IS incredibly sus how much time and energy Hawk and Demetri devote to their rivalry in particular, rather than like...idk, moving on with their lives??? Just ignoring each other and doing their own things, now that they are officially no longer bros and are in different friend circles, etc etc? Like they go OUT OF THEIR WAY to fuck with each other when they could just like...chill and move on. Like Demetri, a socially-awkward dude with limited people skills, works up the balls to get onstage and roast Hawk in front of an entire partyful of peers. Hawk SEARCHES THROUGH AN ENTIRE SCHOOL to hunt down Demetri at the school fight. Hawk goes up to Demetri on the first damn day back at school just to GLARE at him ominously (which I also just realized is RIGHT after some freshman girls give Demetri moony looks as they pass--jealous much???) Later on, Hawk coulda ignored Demetri and finished eating lunch with his Cool New Friends, but instead he goes out of his damn way to bust Demetri’s project and then come over and roast him about it. Demetri then eagerly goes over and reciprocates said roasting and spends that entire fucking soccer game tryna screw with Hawk in particular. They fricken almost IMMEDIATELY go for each other in the Golf N Stuff fight, IIRC. Really, they devote more time and energy to each other and their Rivalry™️ than either does to like...any other character? Like are Eli’s thoughts 90% “what’s the next thing I can do to fuck with Demetri?” Are Demetri’s thoughts 90% “what’s the next thing I can do to fuck with Eli?” Because like...I just don’t think obsessing over another man that much, even in a negative context...is very straight XD

There’s also the fact that their arcs are WAY more intertwined with each other’s than ANY girl either of them dates or interacts with. I mean ffs, Moon dumped Hawk BECAUSE of how he treated Demetri--even Hawk’s supposed Straight Romantic Subplot™️ ties directly back into Demetri! And the only reason Demetri joins Miyagi-Do at ALL and doesn’t just like...fade into the background in Season 2 is to show HAWK SPECIFICALLY that he can “fight back.” And later we have DEMETRI being the one to make Hawk realize he’s gone too far with Cobra Kai (i.e. his guilt after breaking Demetri’s arm) and ultimately being the catalyst that makes Hawk SWITCH SIDES! I honestly think every major point of development for both characters directly involves the other in some way--you could even argue Eli initially becomes “Hawk” in part because Demetri quits Cobra Kai, and isn’t around to stick up for him anymore--so he has to find another way to protect himself from bullying. Even their sense of “dojo rivalry” is mostly just about each other--Hawk’s animosity toward Miyagi-Do lowkey seems to stem almost entirely from Demetri in particular joining it and “betraying” him, while Demetri’s animosity toward Cobra Kai basically entirely comes from Cobra Kai taking Eli away from him. I literally like...cannot think of a single thing in either of their developments that doesn’t tie into the other in a major way.

Like to put it plainly, Moon and Yasmine feel like a single step in each of the boys’ character journeys--a single turning point to spur them in a certain direction. But Demetri and Hawk just...ARE each other’s character journeys. They’re not a step for the other to discover something about themself or get pushed in a certain direction--they just ARE the entire arc for each other, if that makes any sense. Like you could argue BOTH Demetri and Eli/Hawk’s arcs like 90% center on how to navigate their relationship when Eli gains confidence and their interests diverge and they no longer need each other the way they used to. Like??? Name ONE aspect of either of their arcs that doesn’t tie directly into their undying gay love friendship in some way??? It’s INCREDIBLY integral to both their stories and is just...SO much more compelling to watch than either of them making out with hot girls at parties or in the hallway. And them repairing their relationship and/or evolving it as needed, realizing that they love each other too much to let one another go, even if they’re both somewhat different after everything??? And realizing it’s a romantic kinda undying love they’re feeling, because really, what good reason is there for it NOT to be??? We HAVE enough male characters in media already with strictly platonic/brotherly friendships, why not just let two male characters with a compelling story, a strong prior friendship, and REALLY good romantic chemistry just like...be gay??? It feels natural, it’s a good ending to their arc, it feels narratively satisfying in a “Finally having the ‘will they or won’t they’ couple get together” kinda way...why not do it??? It makes ALL the damn sense and would be incredibly thematically interesting and SATISFYING, but y’all writers are COWARDS DAMMIT

Just gonna make that crack ship from Season 1 canon so we can prove that Demetri isn’t gay, no sir??? No Homo my guy??? We can only have one (1) LGBT character per television show, or the “traditional values” viewers will come for us???

Pre Season 3 I honest to god was hoping that part of Demetri’s arc, if he ran into Yasmine again, would be him realizing that he could honestly do better than someone that bitchy and vile, and having enough self-respect to just...lose interest in someone who’s going to push him around, act like he’s beneath her, and talk smack about his friends the second she thinks they’re “lame.” Maybe it isn’t too late though, and we’ll see this in Season 4? Here’s to hoping, because I am going to THROW HANDS if this fricken pairing is ENDGAME endgame. Like...what even do these people have in common, besides getting wedgies??? Do they even have like...any of the same interests??? At all??? How are they going to build a lasting relationship off of...both having gotten a wedgie? And being mean to people sometimes, I guess?

Like, sure. Let them date for a bit--they’re horny teens, they’re prone to jumping into relationships for not exactly the most deep and meaningful reasons. Physical attraction, teenage horniness, and raging hormones are no joke. So sure, I can see them having a fling solely because they both think the other’s hot. But you wanna tell me they’d LAST??? No SIR, I must inform you I Do Not Buy it.

(Tfw you meant to do a short ask making memes about what a crackship Demetri/Yasmine was in Season 1 and you ended up having WAY too much to say about All The Things and now it’s 3 am and you’re typing like a madman. I probably cycled back across the same 5 points like 5 times each because it’s late and I’m not thinking straight, I apologize.)

#hawk x demetri #demetri x eli #binary boyfriends #hawkmeat #demetri x hawk #eli x demetri #elimetri #demetri cobra kai #eli moskowitz #hawk #yasmine cobra kai #moon cobra kai #cobra kai #cobra kai season 1 #cobra kai season 2 #cobra kai season 3 #my askbox

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davethot · 5 years

Text

ALL 36 BARBIE MOVIES RANKED... WHY DID WE DO THIS

Please............. for the love of god view this list. Help us. We worked so fucking hard... and for what?

My roommate/best friend and I ( @kar-queen ) decided to watch ALL 36 BARBIE MOVIES and then rank them from worst to best. This adventure was inspired by the YouTube video by caitlovesdisney where she also ranked every single Barbie movie. However, we wanted to do our own list since some of her choices didn’t reflect what we thought. Her list was still so awesome and I respect anyone who decides to watch all these Barbie movies. We did this because of sheer curiosity and for the sake of very scientific research.

We thought it would be fun at first. We really did. And it was? Kind of? Just, Jesus Christ. We can no longer see pink. I have night terrors about Barbie’s ugly ass animal friends. It truly was An Experience and has left us feeling dazed and like we never want to rank things ever again. We weren’t planning on posting a written out ranking of these movies anywhere (since we were just doing it for fun between us) but we wanted some physical evidence of our labor since this whole experience took 50 years off our lives.

Under READMORE we will rank the 36 Barbie movies from WORST TO BEST (36 to 1). HOWEVER, THERE’S A TWIST. We are ALSO ranking them based on how GAY they were (and trust me, it yielded more results than you would originally think). That way we could both get through these movies by spicing things up a little bit. Hit readmore if you’re not a coward.

DISCLAIMER: Barbie is a staple for kids and overall teaches them that anyone (though more specifically girls/women) can do/be anything, which is extremely admirable. We have no issues with Barbie as a role model for kids and this list is all in good fun. However, we are going to point out things that either frustrated us or seemed downright harmful for kids to watch and take after. Clearly Mattel/Barbie has taken great and necessary steps to be more inclusive and progressive, especially in recent years compared to their older movies.

ANOTHER MILD DISCLAIMER: In some of these movies Barbie’s character is not named Barbie, but we’re just going to call every main girl Barbie to keep things simple and easy. Just a warning.

ANOTHER ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: This is going to be long since there are 36 movies. Even if you read all of this you will only feel a fraction of our pain.

WITH THAT, LET’S START WITH SOME HOT GARBAGE. LET’S GO GAMERS.

36. BARBIE IN PRINCESS POWER (2015)

Starting out with at the fucking bottom lads. My roommate and I were foaming at the fucking mouth watching this movie. It’s so hard to explain why this one pissed us off so much because it was nearly every single goddamn aspect of it. Here’s some bullet points to make this go by quickly and painlessly.

- She’s a princess but then she ALSO gets super powers??? So she’s already extremely privileged, rich, and lives a comfortable lifestyle, but then she gets powers when A MAGICAL FAIRY BUTTERFLY KISSES HER CHEEK? LIKE LITERALLY JUST KISSES HER CHEEK AND BOOM SHE HAS POWERS.

- Her powers are really fucking boring. All she has is super strength and she can fly.

- She treats her best friends/side kicks like shit??? These poor girls (neither rich nor princesses) dote on this fucking girl and do everything for her behind the scenes while she sucks at being a super hero. It’s really infuriating.

- There’s a side plot where she lets the fame get to her head. So, she starts snapping at everyone around her and just being overall a total bitch? Also her sister gets powers too and they like, fight over this said attention. Stupid.

- At the end of the movie she apologizes to her sister, but never to her friends or the other people she walked all over? Absolutely infuriating. We don’t know how else to describe this film. Barbie was so rude and unaware of the kind of privilege she had and acted spoiled the entire time, which is why it’s ranked at the complete bottom.

- Also there was a romantic interest, I think????? He was a reporter? Don’t remember his name. Doesn’t matter. They didn’t get together. Also the fashion and colors in this movie are horrendous. Like c’mon guys.

Oh also how could we forget. GAYNESS RANK: Not gay at all. So aggressively heterosexual.

Also: We know that Barbie is usually a princess in all of these movies and usually we don’t really care, but this one was especially bad when it came to her acting so fucking privileged. I swear we’re not insane this one was just so bad when it came to that.

35. BARBIE AND THE SECRET DOOR (2014)

This one isn’t going to be as long or intense as Princess Power (which literally had so much wrong with it that we barely covered any of it). This one was just so offensively ugly. And boring. And stupid. I hated it so much.

This is also another one where she’s a princess and she whines about how her life is so hard?

In the beginning, she talks about how all she does is lay around all day and read books, and then later sings a song about how she wishes she could lay around all day and read books? Like, we stan a bookworm queen, but she acts so ungrateful for her lifestyles and then never mentions liking to read again when the main adventure of the movie starts. Just overall dumb and boring.

Also this is so fucking ugly. Did we mention that this movie is ugly?

I don’t know who approved of these backgrounds and colors but they’re just so hideous like it literally gives me a headache.

GAYNESS RANK: Pretty heterosexual. Barbie doesn’t have a love interest which is kind of nice and the two girls she meets are cute friends, but not enough to be noteworthy when it comes to gay.

34. BARBIE A PERFECT CHRISTMAS (2011)

For being centered around Christmas, this didn’t feel like a Christmas movie at all. It tried to follow the typical plot of “We had a great Christmas planned but then oh no! So many things went wrong! But in the end all that matters is that you’re with your family and that’s what Christmas is all about :)” but they somehow managed to fuck that up? This movie is so mean? Barbie’s sisters are awful to each other, and lash out multiple times, especially at the youngest sister. Even if they tried to make up at the end the whole film felt very mean-spirited for a Christmas movie.

The message about family was lost when they were more concerned with streaming a band performance rather than spending time with each other. It just was not great overall and left a very sour taste in our mouths. Would not recommend to show a kid around Christmas.

GAYNESS RANK: Not gay at all. Pretty heterosexual. Skipper (the brunette) kind of had this weird thing with her girl friend that lived in New York but it didn’t really go anywhere. Her friend was never shown on screen, anyway.

Also the movies really fucking ugly. We’re not even going to mention the horrendous pink Christmas trees. You’re welcome.

33. BARBIE MAGIC OF THE RAINBOW (2007) (also known as Fairytopia 3)

Being the 3rd movie in the Fairytopia series, it’s by far the worst. The portrayal of Barbie/the main character was very obnoxious and careless. She was automatically good at everything she did on the first try and it was honestly so unrealistic and didn’t teach a great message at all.

It also just, like, had these fairies attend school? To strengthen their powers, I guess? It wasn’t really explained. Barbie was very mean to a another fairy and even if they made up at the end it didn’t feel genuine. I think they were just trying to milk this Fairytopia series for everything it was worth and I’m glad it stopped after this one.

Her bf in this one wasn’t bad, though, he was pretty sweet. He could talk to animals which was charming.

GAYNESS RANK: Mid-tier. Even though she fought with the one fairy they had a pretty intense rivalry thing going on, which was pretty gay. Even though she had a bf they kind of barely interacted since Barbie was so engrossed with the other fairy. A few gay points I guess. Though those few gay points get taken away when her annoying fluff ball Bibble gets an ugly fluff ball girlfriend. Stupid.

32. BARBIE IN A MERMAID TALE (2010)

Okay, like... I barely watched this one so my roommate took the fall. So, I’m going to quote them for this: “This one was just written badly, objectively. The pacing was horrendous. The story was very contrived. *long pause*....... That’s all.”

Yeah I don’t have much to say about this one either. I remember Barbie being bitchy towards her friends and her guardian. When a magic dolphin asks her to help she’s just like “no, fuck you” for literally no reason at all? She surfs but it’s not even that cool, so... wasted potential.

GAYNESS RANK: There’s not nothing? Some potential. Her surfing buddies hang around and she hangs out with her mermaid friends as well. Other than that, though... :( (I promise there will be Barbie movies that are gay just wait)

31. BARBIE AND HER SISTERS IN A PUPPY CHASE (2016)

This movie... is so strange. We hated it so much, but it was also kind of ironically hilarious??? This is the second movie in the “Barbie and her Sisters + Puppies” series (which are terrible) but this one was special in how awful it was.

Barbie is SUCH AN IRRESPONSIBLE SISTER. So they go on vacation to some tropical island and Barbie’s youngest sister has a dance recital to practice for, but Barbie just straight up tells her to not practice?? LIKE??? BARBIE?!

They also end up fucking deserted on this island. Everything you can think of goes wrong for them. It’s honestly incredible. At one point they’re stranded outside in the rain only eating granola bars by a fire. Barbie tries to cheer them up by playing this STUPID game called “imagine if” where they just name things that they wish would happen???

Oh and at the end Barbies sister ends up winning her dance recital when her whole family and an entire entourage of animals dance with her on stage. Cause, like, yeah, that’s totally fucking fair to the other contestants.

GAYNESS RANK: All of these Puppy movies are absolutely not gay at all bc it’s literally just Barbie and her sisters with some puppies. Don’t expect too much.

30. BARBIE AND HER SISTERS IN THE GREAT PUPPY ADVENTURE (2015)

This is the first movie in the Sisters + Puppies series and it’s pretty much just as bad as the other one, but at least Puppy Chase was funny. This one is really boring. Also forgot to mention that the puppies talk. It’s very annoying and absolutely ruins the movies.

This movie on the surface kind of has a charming premise where they all go on vacation to the countryside/the midwest and experience a lot of small town things, and yet it doesn’t feel very genuine? As someone from the midwest I can confirm.

Barbie and her sisters go on this treasure hunt that apparently their grandfather died trying to solve, and yet they manage to solve it within a couple days? caitlovesdisney explains it pretty well in her video if you wanna hear more about Puppy Adventure. I know you’re just dying to know more about Puppy Adventure.

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie at one point talks to another woman who isn’t one of her sisters. Super exciting stuff.

29. BARBIE THE PRINCESS AND THE POPSTAR (2012)

Okaaaaay, like....... this one made us really. really. mad.

So we’ve already mentioned how Barbie acts super privileged in some of these movies, but this is the one that made us notice it. The basic premise is that there’s a princess (Barbie) and a popstar (Who Cares) and they want to switch lives.

But the thing is they already live amazing lives? So the other Barbie film that this one borrows from (The Princess and the Pauper) loses its meaning and drama? Instead of a rich girl and poor girl trading lives, it’s just two rich girls switching lives.

ALSO! There’s this side plot where, within the castle, they have this tree that can GROW DIAMONDS? AND THAT’S THE SOURCE OF THE KINGDOM’S WEALTH? AND YET, LATER IN THE MOVIE, THERE ARE POOR PEOPLE LIVING IN POVERTY. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIAMOND TREE FOR?????

The only saving grace for this movie was that Barbie and the popstar were extremely gay. Like, having posters and pictures of each other in their rooms, gazing at each other dreamily from balconies, and subtly being very touchy-feely every time they’re together in person. That’s pretty much the only reason why it’s a bit higher than some of the others.

GAYNESS RANK: One of the gayest ones. There are so many side glances and yearning. Shoulder touches and all that. We totally shipped these two by the end. In a different universe, in a better movie... these two could have been super cute together.

28. BARBIE THE PEARL PRINCESS (2014)

Not much to say about this one. I hated it a lot more than my roommate did and I’m the one typing this all out sooooo I get the final say. I hate this movie so much. Barbie, once again, acted really privileged and was super unlikable. At one point she gets a job at a hair salon, which is kinda nice I guess? But then she’s automatically good at it without even trying? So... fuck off.

Also there’s a seahorse with hair and it looked so ugly that I constantly wanted to cry. Please free me from the sleep paralysis demons that are the Barbie animal sidekicks.

GAYNESS RANK: Nothing to report. The couple girls Barbie hangs out with were barely in the movie so there were no vibes. Sad.

27. BARBIE IN ROCK N ROYALS (2015)

We’re getting to the mid-tier Barbie movies that we don’t have much to say about. My roommate and I just found the concept of this one to be really dumb?

The outfits were very ugly and the singers were really bad. But there was a main character who was a black girl, which was really nice to see! They also went a little more punk than the typical frilly stuff which was nice to see. Not the worst but still ranked pretty low cause of the dumb premise and just being pretty boring overall.

GAYNESS RANK: This one was decently gay, pretty mid-tier. Barbie had a great potential romance with the other main girl and the way they interacted was very sweet and cute. They both had male love interests but nothing really came of it which is kinda funny. Not too much going on but enough to get a mention.

26. BARBIE PRINCESS CHARM SCHOOL (2011)

This was SO FRUSTRATING because it started out STRONG, but then crashed and burned really quickly.

The movie starts out with Barbie working her ass off at a little diner to make ends meet at home. We see how her guardian can’t work and that she has a little sister and a home to support. It was really charming to see Barbie hustling to make money and felt so much more down-to-Earth than a lot of the other Barbie movies where she’s a princess and has everything she wants.

Long story short, she wins this drawing to be enrolled in this Princess Charm School where you can learn to be royalty. In the end she finds out that she was the lost princess all along and then everything that was mentioned at the beginning is completely abandoned once this is found out. Just... super disappointing how a relatable Barbie depiction ends up being a princess all along :/

Also the fashion in this movie was super disappointing. They somehow managed to make preppy school girl outfits look bad. Sad.

GAYNESS RANK: This one’s pretty much on the same level as Rock n Royals. There was some potential with Barbie and her friends but not much else. Next.

25. BARBIE IN A MERMAID TALE 2 (2012)

Absolutely nothing to report. There’s some more surfing action in this one compared to the first one which is really nice.

Imma be real with u chief... I barely remember what happens. She meets an Australian girl? She gets tricked by a French fish into transforming into a mermaid? Villain from the first movie comes back... Australian girl gets caught in a whirlpool... They save the day.

There’s a pretty shitty part where the Australian girl wins the surfing competition but Barbie still somehow gets all the reporters’ attention and gets a sponsorship. It was sad and tbh we didn’t like that part.

GAYNESS RANK: Gayer than most. Her and this girl have a rivalry which is pretty cute. They playfully tease each other while surfing all the time and tbh I could totally ship it. The Australian girl’s pretty spunky which is refreshing. Too bad her Australian accent was so obviously fake it was distracting.

24. BARBIE FAIRYTOPIA (2005)

This one gets the award for the most boring Barbie movie. We both could not even try to bring ourselves to pay attention to this one, even if my roommate was nostalgic for it. Bibble was a highlight just cause we made fun of him the whole time but it was a short-lived high. That’s all. Here’s a creepy picture we found of the main character.

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie doesn’t have a love interest at all, which is like, a point... She hangs out with the blue fairy and they’re kinda cute. Not much else, though.

23. BARBIE FAIRYTOPIA: MERMAIDIA (2006)

My roommate is really nostalgic for this one since they grew up with it, and yet they found it hard to pay attention at all. As did I. It was pretty boring. About a week went by after we watched this one and my roommate was trying to talk about it but I literally did not remember watching it until they showed me a picture of the ugly ass snail with huge lips and it jump scared me. You had to be there I guess.

They were mermaids... Bibble was there... typical Barbie shit. This image pretty much perfectly describes how enthralling it was to watch this.

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie and the blue mermaid are a little gay. The love interest was pretty funny and cute. He did have a thing for the blue mermaid so a couple gay points get deducted.

22. BARBIE THE 12 DANCING PRINCESSES (2006)

We know this one’s a classic, but we just found it to be very boring? I know this seems like a trend but we swear that we didn’t think all the Barbie movies are boring, it’s just the middle of the list. The dancing in this one was kind of nice and there was an interesting subplot where this lady was slowly poisoning their dad.

The only thing that seemed silly was when they would stow away to the magical island... Like, why? The lady banned dancing but they could have just danced in their rooms. No one ever went in to check on them or they would have noticed they were gone anyway. So what the hell.

Also Barbie and all of her other sisters looked exactly the same and it was hard to tell them apart. The love interest was pretty cute, though.

GAYNESS RANK: Nothing, absolutely zippo. They’re all sisters and she had a nice romance with the guy so.

21. BARBIE AND THE DIAMOND CASTLE (2008)

Gonna get this out of the way: There is basically nothing to report when it comes to the plot of this movie. Evil force upon the land. A villain. Animal sidekicks. Love interest/Ken who’s barely in the movie. Barbie defeats the evil and gets a new dress. THE END. BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT.

THIS MOVIE... IS SO GAY?

This was at the top of our gay Barbie list literally the entire time (until it was dethroned, but we’ll get to that later). This story LITERALLY revolves around Barbie and her “friend” who: live together in the same house, write songs together, dream about living in a mansion together, garden together, sing while gardening together... LIKE?? Holy shit, lesbian goals.

At one point in the film they find two heart shaped rocks in the river and make them into necklaces, which they both wear to solidify their “friendship”. We are not making this up. This entire movie was comprised of us looking incredulously at each other every time they stared longingly at one another or mentioned how much they need each other. Evidence:

GAYNESS RANKING: Not gonna say it again. Top-tier gay. However, amazingly, not the gayest. We’ll get into that later. Regardless, we stan two beautiful lesbians living in the woods together where all they do is wear heart-shaped necklaces and sing songs about being rich one day. Amazing.

20. THUMBELINA (2009)

A Barbie movie with an environmental message, which is fine, I guess... Overall we just kinda found this movie annoying, but still a little bit better than other ones that were either insulting or just downright boring. Ferngully for babies?

I... Wish I could say more. I’m sorry. It’s fine if you were going to show it to a kid, I guess. We also thought this one was kinda ugly as well.

GAYNESS RANK: There are the two friends and we got no vibes. Absolutely zippo. Next.

19. BARBIE MARIPOSA AND HER BUTTERFLY FAIRY FRIENDS (2008)

Another one where we just don’t have much to say? We’re now entering the “fine” category. I wouldn’t be really mad if someone made me rewatch it, but I wouldn’t be happy with it either.

Barbie is also a bookworm in this one, but it’s done a lot better than Secret Door. It’s kind of nice how she’s considered an outcast in this one and has to work through that. Her love interest (Carlos, we remembered his name!) was funny and brought life to the movie. Overall pretty okay!

The bunny sidekick was kind of ugly, though. Can’t win in every category.

GAYNESS RANK: Has some promising potential, but doesn’t really deliver. Disappointing but not awful.

18. BARBIE MARIPOSA AND THE FAIRY PRINCESS (2013)

This one is a lot better than the first! Surprisingly, this movie deals racism in a way that is easily digestible for children while also not making light of the issue. It’s not perfect, but we found it to do its job pretty well.

It centers around Barbie meeting a princess (Barbie isn’t a princess for once, yay!) and while the two want to be friends, the princess is a crystal wing fairy and Barbie is a butterfly wing fairy, so the princesses father objects to them being friends.

Also great time to mention that this was the second gayest Barbie movie for many many many reasons. And trust us, topping Diamond Castle is no easy feat.

First of all, there are SEVERAL scenes where the crystal fairy princess is completely disinterested in what’s going on but, as soon as Barbie walks in, she gets really excited and gives her her full attention. It’s EXTREMELY cute.

Second, there’s a Beauty and the Beast esque scene where the crystal fairy gives Barbie an entire library of books, since she remembers that she loves books. They also proceed to bond over what kind of books they like and watching them geek out over that is adorable.

Third, they sneak off to a cave so that they can hang out without the crystal fairy’s father (the king) finding them. They then go to skip rocks on a lake and the ripples make rainbows. They also dance together at a ball, and there is just so much lingering eye contact and small touches. They’re cute and we ship.

GAYNESS RANK: ALMOST top of the list. SUPER close. Not quite there, though. We weren’t expecting this one to be as gay as it was since it was a sequel movie, but thank god it was.

17. BARBIE VIDEO GAME HERO (2017)

This... is a weird one? The basic plot is that Barbie is a programmer who makes video games. She gets sucked into a video game and they need her help to rid the game of viruses. We’re really conflicted about this movie so this will benefit from some good ol fashioned bullet points.

- It’s really cool that Barbie’s a programmer and likes to play video games, and she’s not a princess! It was very nice and modern of them to include a story like this. Very refreshing after 30 or so Barbie movies that revolve around her being a princess.

- There’s a lot of side characters who join Barbie on her quest, but none of them are interesting or memorable...

- The art style changes between “levels”, and while a cute idea, they don’t take advantage of it enough! There are only three art style changes in the whole movie, and two out of the three are really ugly.

- There is so much Just Dance product placement in this movie. It’s cringe.

- The plot of this movie literally... makes no sense? They say that once Barbie wins the level, the viruses attacking that said level will be destroyed, but throughout the movie every time she wins they still don’t stop??? So that’s why she had to have a bunch of characters follow her around so they wouldn’t get attacked by viruses? SO WHAT IS SHE WINNING THE LEVELS FOR?

- This movie was probably the most baby out of all of them. While there’s nothing wrong with that, it was kind of a shock after we were watching all the other Barbie films, which are more targeted towards children to tweens. This one felt like it was for toddlers.

- Overall this movie wasn’t bad, just very strange. Would maybe recommend? Fine for your kid to watch if they want something casual and fun that involves a girl gamer. Gamers rise up.

GAYNESS RANK: No gay vibes at all, which is not a total epic gamer moment. Probs because this movie was very very baby so the vibes were nonexistent. Too bad since Barbie met up with a lot of cute girls. Gaymer oppression never ends :(. Press F.

16. BARBIE DOLPHIN MAGIC (2017)

We did it lads. We found The Gayest Barbie Movie that has Ever Existed.

Before we get to that, though, I hate to admit that this is one of the Barbie’s Sisters + Puppies movies, but it’s kind of hilarious because in this one they completely remove the puppies talking. I guess someone smartened up and realized that that was stupid and dumb. Thank god for them because it made the movie infinitely better.

Plot is simple: Barbie and her sisters are on vacation and while they’re visiting the most boring man on Earth (Ken), an emerald dolphin gets trapped by an evil marine biologist who wants to sell the dolphin for money. Then a mermaid named Isla (yes we remember her name because she’s incredible) goes to save the dolphin with the help of Barbie (with minimal contributions from the others).

I know we raved about how Fairy Princess was very gay, but just......... wow......... The difference between this and fairy princess is that Dolphin Magic literally has an entire scene dedicated to Barbie and Isla swimming together very closely with ethereal music, littered with cute giggling, lingering shoulder touches, and extended eye contact. Oh, also can’t forget the hand holding.

Don’t forget about the necklaces they give each other so that they can stay connected with each other no matter where they are in the world. There’s even a scene at the end where Isla mentions how Barbie kept trying to contact her multiple times off-screen, only validating Barbies insane girl crush on Isla.

This may or may not be photoshopped but tbh I don’t give a damn.

GAYNESS RANK: The gayest Barbie movie. These two were so adorable throughout the entire movie and we couldn’t even get into everything that made it so charming. There were many scenes where Isla was learning how to act like a human that were so sweet and endearing. Great Barbie movie if you’re looking for something sweet with some obvious lesbians. Go team.

15. BARBIE NUTCRACKER (2001)

We had a lot to say about Dolphin Magic since it was gay, but now we’re getting back into the “it’s fine” category with Nutcracker.

This movie is sweet and it’s pretty hard to fuck up a Nutcracker adaptation. There wasn’t a ton of ballet which was a little disappointing? They also didn’t play the whole soundtrack and stuck a lot of the good songs right at the end, which was odd. Our only real complaint was it kind of wasted its potential and it was slightly boring.

Other than that, it’s a sweet Christmas movie if anyone really likes Barbie and the Nutcracker. My roommate grew up on the Nutcracker so regardless it can be pretty nostalgic for some.

Also, Barbie is beautiful in this movie.

GAYNESS RANK: There literally is not another female for Barbie to interact with in this movie. There were a couple guys who could have possibly given off vibes but we felt nothing so.

14. BARBIE A FASHION FAIRYTALE (2010)

If there’s anything to say about this one, it’s definitely... interesting.

So in this universe, Barbie is an actress, and she plays herself in a bunch of pre-existing Barbie movies (many of which that have already been mentioned on this list). It’s extremely meta and a little confusing???

Barbie basically gets fired from her job, Ken dumps her, and she goes to find herself in Paris with her fashion designer aunt. The most interesting thing we can really say about this movie is describing the beginning, because that was the best part by far.

It’s also revealed that Ken did not actually dump her, so there’s a really charming side plot where Ken travels all the way from LA to Paris to sort it all out in person through a spontaneous act of romance.

Ken ABSOLUTELY makes this movie. We quote him a lot when we’re just hanging out in the apartment. He is so cute and funny and loves Barbie so much, it’s adorable. Absolutely worth the watch to see a true himbo in action.

Also, Ken and Barbie kiss at the end and we’re p sure this is the only movie where Barbie actually kisses any of her love interests. Fuck yeah.

GAYNESS RANK: There’s no gayness, but that’s okay, because the romance between Barbie and Ken is adorable. I never want anything to get between these two :’)

13. BARBIE IN A CHRISTMAS CAROL (2008)

Not much more to say about this one other than it’s a Christmas Carol but with Barbie. It was interesting to see Barbie in a “Scrooge” role where she has to relearn how to be caring and kind. It was pretty down to Earth and felt very Christmas-y and festive.

There was a very sweet plot of Barbie reconnecting with a girl she used to sing with as they were growing up. It was also interesting to see that while Barbie was growing up, her family would force her to practice singing rather than letting her go outside and live a normal life. This made Barbie feel a little more down-to-Earth.

Sorry, we don’t really know what else to say. It’s fine. The cat is very ugly, though.

GAYNESS RANK: There’s a scene at the end, after Barbie reconnects with her friend, where she’s holding her hands and giggling a lot. It was really cute to see them be friends and to be excited about the holidays together. A couple gay points were deducted since her friend did have a love interest, though.

12. BARBIE AND THE THREE MUSKETEERS (2009)

Not gonna lie, this one was a little... disappointing? We were really excited for this one since it’s a lot of people’s favorite, and the concept of Barbie being a musketeer (and not a princess :)) is exciting and fresh.

The beginning of this movie was great!! Seeing Barbie practicing in the barn with her animals was just really sweet. She was wearing a cute outfit with pants a vest and the HAT.

Though, as it went on, it started to drop off for us. The reveal of the musketeers at the end was really underwhelming, and we thought the outfits were a let down compared to Barbie’s earlier outfit in the movie.

Other than those things, this movie was fun!! Watching all the girls be badass and learn how to fight with their unique weapons was awesome. Watching them team up was really satisfying. The prince guy was also pretty sweet. We would recommend watching this, esp if you remember it being your favorite.

GAYNESS RANK: Has a lot of gay energy!! There are a few scenes where people are outwardly sexist towards her and yet she strives to prove them wrong. When she meets the other girls, they are coached by this old lady who can kick ass. Even though it could have been gayer it was a good time.

11. BARBIE A FAIRY SECRET (2011)

Some people may be mad that we put this above Three Musketeers... whoops.

Anyway this movie solely exists to give us more Amazing Ken content. This movie takes place in the same universe as Fashion Fairy Tale, so it’s the same Barbie and Ken from that movie.

Our only complaint is that they took the domestic feel of Fashion Fairy Tale and turned it into something that had so much unnecessary magic?? Though at the same time we got A Vibe from this movie that the creators just wanted to make something silly, and it worked.

Ken is HILARIOUS in this movie, even better than Fashion Fairy Tale. Even though everyone turns into a fairy, the wings that they give Ken are small and pink and he can barely fly with them. It’s just so... funny? He also... mock-fights this other buff fairy guy?? Idk this movie is really hard to explain, sorry. We would definitely recommend this even if just for Ken.

GAYNESS RANK: Ken is a himbo so he automatically attracts the lesbian crowd. There’s also a plot with Barbie where she makes up with this girl who had been mean to her for the longest time, but it’s done in a way that just feels... really gay? Or at least the girl is kinda gay and Barbie doesn’t exactly realize (since she’s in a committed relationship with Ken). This movie feels like it would be more appealing to gay people rather than being gay itself.

10. BARBIE AS THE PRINCESS AND THE PAUPER (2004)

A lot of people are probably going to be surprised that this isn’t in our top 5, but we want to stress that this movie is good!! These top 10 Barbie movies are getting into the territory where we would absolutely recommend them because they are cute and fun, and this is exactly that!

The songs in this movie are great! However, we do have to be a little bitter towards it since this started the trend of musical Barbie movies, and many of them are shitty and bad compared to this.

The villain of this movie....... *chefs kiss* We also quote him constantly.

This is an example of a Barbie movie where she’s a princess but it’s very endearing and done well. She rarely comes off as spoiled. She’s very smart and brave, and we see this through her actions rather than the movie just obnoxiously telling us that she is. Also the romance between the pauper and the king was very sweet.

GAYNESS RANK: While this was a great set-up to be gay, it doesn’t follow through. We’re not bitter about it, though, since their love interests were very sweet. Pretty straight of them to have their cats fall in love, though :/

9. BARBIE AS THE ISLAND PRINCESS (2007)

When we first watched this one, we thought it was extremely boring and we were going to put it kind of low, but the more we thought about it we realized that it really did have a great plot.

They brought Barbie to civilization from her deserted island and people start getting sick, so they’re blaming Barbie for bringing diseases when in reality it’s the villain using rats to poison people’s food. Also, it was so charming and interesting to see Barbie’s love interest want to be an adventurer, and he had so much more personality than a lot of other Barbie Princes. While he’s not on Ken’s level, he was so sweet.

All in all this one definitely had one of the tightest plots with great characters that really endears you to them. It’s a little slow but def worth the watch.

GAYNESS RANK: One of the least gay ones... Not mad though, the love interests were great. The peacock was kinda gay so... love wins.

8. BARBIE OF SWAN LAKE (2003)

People will ALSO be surprised that this one is so low compared to other people’s Barbie movie lists. Please, trust us, we’re not crazy, it’s just... when you’ve watched 30+ other Barbie movies the initial charm of this kind of wears off. We both are very nostalgic for this movie and yet that couldn’t even bump it into the top 5.

A couple things we can praise: The toys were AMAZING, Barbie’s dress is BEAUTIFUL and ICONIC, the dancing and music were very gorgeous. The dancing in this movie was mocapped from real ballet dancers, so, very nice.

But... the forest animals were kind of annoying? Their outfits were kind of cute but they were still annoying? The villain’s daughter’s VOICE was just... HORRENDOUS. With the villain in Princess and the Pauper, the guy’s voice was comical but it didn’t completely take you out of the movie. This chick, however, was being so over dramatic that it wasn’t even ironically funny, it was very cringey... Just bad voice acting all around.

Also this movie was a lot more boring than we remember.

REGARDLESS OF ALL OF THAT, this is a CLASSIC Barbie movie and we would still recommend checking it out at least once (and rewatching if you haven’t seen it since you were a kid).

GAYNESS RANK: Nothing gay to report. Next.

7. BARBIE IN THE PINK SHOES (2013)

Another... strange one.

So Barbie is a ballet dancer about to do a performance and when her shoes break down, she goes into a store room and finds a pair of pink ballet shoes. When she puts them on, she and her friend are teleported into this alternate dimension??? Where all ballets ever are happening at the same time??? And she’s the main lead for all of them?? At once?? And there’s this ice queen villain who controls people by making them dance???????

This was the first Barbie movie we watched (we put them all in a wheel and let that decide our fate) and it sure did set the tone.

Plot doesn’t matter though, we need to talk about... Them. Only Pink Shoes fans will understand.

So, there are these two guys... and they’re just like... really gay??? They inspired us to apply a gay ranking to these Barbie movies, if that tells you anything. One in a prince and the other is a commoner/hunter. There are so many scenes where it cuts away from Barbie to focus on these two playfully bantering with each other (enemies to lovers 100k slowburn)? The hunter guy teaches the other how to shoot a bow and arrow by touching him and guiding him into the right position? There’s also a scene where they meet back up with Barbie, but they only have two horses, so instead of Barbie riding with one of them they ride with each other and give her her own horse??? Respect women juice...

They also show up at the end just... together? (in real life not in the... Pink Shoes dimension) and it’s not explained what they’re doing together or even what their relationship is (friendship or otherwise). It truly was bizarre.

GAYNESS RANK: This was on top for quite awhile since it was the first movie we watched. Unfortunately de-throned by Diamond Castle when we got around to it, but we still STAN these himbos.

6. BARBIE AND HER SISTERS IN A PONY TALE (2013)

I... okay hear us out...

This movie is bad. Like, objectively it’s very very bad. It’s a baby movie, a Barbie and her sisters movie, it’s a horse girl movie, on top of everything... and yet...

We probably had the most fun watching this one, like, we were glued to the fucking screen. We cried laughing multiple times because it was just so charmingly bad.

Plot isn’t important, since my roommate and I keep forgetting what the real plot is. We only care about the British boys from the rivaling stable and how they just breeze in and out and run away on their horses laughing like frenchmen... even though they’re British. One of them uncannily resembles Malfoy from hp and is a sidekick to the main guy, it’s a little weird.

There are also these two British kids and the girl is super weird? Like weird girl representation for real. Also there’s this Phillipe guy who was so fucking funny to listen to. Here’s Phillipe, you’re welcome.

Fuck you I’m not resizing the image.

Oh also Barbie finds a magic horse with a pink mane. Phillipe wants to like, kill her for it, I guess. Yeah.

GAYNESS RANK: While super fucking funny, not a lot of gay. It makes up for it with the mere presence of Phillipe.

5. BARBIE AND THE MAGIC OF PEGASUS (2005)

This and the next entry are both tied for 4th place since it was extremely hard to choose between the two. We were both nostalgic for this and the next entry, but we were also really excited to find out that both of these are great movies!

So me personally, I was a horse girl growing up, and I ADORED this movie. I didn’t think it would be so good upon rewatch, but it actually was! The plot was pretty tight, the villain was fun, it felt like a genuine fairytale, the characters were cute and fun, and Barbie was intelligent and resourceful!

Check this one out if you haven’t seen it, but now we’re going to talk about one of the best aspects of this movie, which is Barbie’s love interest.

Unlike every single other Barbie bf, the love interest in this one (named Aiden) was literally almost a better character than Barbie herself. For the first time EVER they decided to give a Barbie love interest a BACKSTORY. And, like, a GOOD backstory. It made him feel like a real person and his story pulled at your heartstrings.

Also, him and Barbie do not automatically get along, and for a decent amount of time they have witty banter with one another. It really lets their characters shine through the movie and was SO refreshing.

We could rave about Aiden all day, but you guys should just go watch it for yourself, it really is worth it!

GAYNESS RANK: Not gay at all, but fine since the romance is so great. Moving on!

4. BARBIE AS RAPUNZEL (2002)

This movie is just... good. And not even good for a Barbie movie, it’s just a well-written movie overall! The plot was tight and remained interesting without being too complicated, either. Barbie’s animals were also pretty charming (even if the rabbit is ass ugly, but it’s 2002, they get a pass) and likable compared to other Barbie sidekicks. The dragon even has a little arc of her own??? Hell yeah.

Don’t really have to explain the plot, it’s Rapunzel. The only difference is that she has a magical paintbrush that can teleport her to places that she paints, which helps the story progress.

It also really did feel like Barbie was in mortal danger, which is so unlike every other Barbie movie. I was really glad to have grown up with this movie being my first exposure to Rapunzel, since I believe it’s a great introduction to her (and the toys were awesome, lol). This was another movie where Barbie being a princess was really great and charming since it felt earned since she went through hard times.

Okay, like, we literally cannot go any further without mentioning something, stay with us...

In the movie, there’s, like, this weasel/ferret thing that belongs to the villain. He’s basically an animal villain, or whatever.

I don’t really know how else to say this other than there’s this scene where he asks the villain to give him the rabbit and he outright just... moans????? The voice actor just... lets it out. It literally sounds like he’s getting a hand job in the recording booth in the middle of the line and just lets it all out and they kept that shit in, and then animated it????

We really wish we could include a video exclusively of that scene, but the best we can do is just link the video and give you a time stamp (37:49). PLEASE watch it. We have been quoting it every single day since we watched the damn movie.

GAYNESS RANK: No gay. Nothing to report. Barren. Probably the least gay.

3. BARBIE SPY SQUAD (2016)

All due respect to the original queen caitlovesdisney, but like, she’s wrong about Spy Squad. Listen.

This movie was SO MUCH FUN. We were literally just glued to the screen and having a great time watching these three girls chase after this cute af phantom thief chick??? They had tons of cops-and-robbers dialogue with her and it was just... FUN. Almost like a thriller, tbh.

caitlovesdisney did make a great point in her video when she mentioned that they were actually pretty bad at being spies, and we can totally see why this would be super frustrating to people if they were watch. However, my roommate and I didn’t mind? We thought it was charming that they weren’t automatically great at something and that they had to practice a ton to get better. So much more refreshing compared to other Barbie stories.

The elephant in the room, though... we have to talk about Lazlo.

Barbie’s friend (Theresa) has the cutest fucking romance with the boy who builds all their spy equipment throughout the movie. They’re both really nerdy, but they don’t shove it down your throat and act annoying about it? It literally just comes up in casual conversation between the two of them and they just have fun talking about things they like. It was so fucking cute and it made the movie that much better.

GAYNESS RANK: This movie is REALLY REALLY... APPEALING to gay people, even though it’s not really gay itself. The phantom thief, the spy outfits, all the girls riding motorcycles, the leather, the cool spy equipment... It just felt like it would appeal to a lot of gay people (and it did, cause we fuckin liked it). This movie is good. Please watch it and don’t let its low ranking on other lists dissuade you. We are right and they are wrong.

2. THE BARBIE DIARIES (2006)

Before yall say anything, we know that this movie is fucking ugly. We clowned on some of the other movies for being ugly but this one truly takes the ugly cake.

HOWEVER, that did not prevent this movie from being good. We fucking loved it.

FIRST OF ALL, Barbie is in high school???? Which was so fresh to see???? There’s no magic, no princesses. It’s literally just a down-to-Earth teen drama movie involving Barbie, her friends, a love interest, and some mean girls.

This had a really interesting plot that was actually kind of... complicated???? Dare I say??? We’re not stupid. There was just so much going on involving couples breaking up and getting back together, Barbie changing her motivations, how her friends react to what she’s doing, just... so much.

The only real criticism we have of this one is that the apology in this one was pretty rushed and didn’t feel Barbie’s friends should have forgiven her so easily for the shit she did. Other than that, though, this was a pretty great teen drama that I would highly recommend. I would definitely watch this one again, regardless of how ugly it is.

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie had a clear love interest with a guy that was super sweet (sorry we didn’t mention him but he’s one of the better love interests, love u Kev) but mean girl teen drama is always a little gay? Plus how she would go back and forth between social circles was interesting. Also her and her friends are in a band, which is always cool and appealing to the gays, at least.

1. BARBIE STARLIGHT ADVENTURE (2016)

We did it. We made it to the end. If there’s even one person who read this at all I would thank you but... you’ve lost along with us. BUT AT LEAST WE GET TO TELL YOU ABOUT STARLIGHT ADVENTURE. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This movie came out NOWHERE and fucking PUNCHED US IN THE FACE. When the wheel picked this one, we were starting to get burned out, and thought that since this was a newer Barbie movie it wouldn’t be very good. Boy, were we fucking wrong.

This movie is so INTERESTING and HANDS DOWN has the best portrayal of Barbie as a character. This took such an interesting perspective on space travel, sci-fi, a slightly dystopian YA setting... it has so much going on but never feels like too much.

Can we just start with how GORGEOUS this movie looks and how CUTE Barbie’s design is?!

She’s wearing a VEST and PANTS!!!!! FUCK YES.

Anyway, the plot: She lives with her dad on this deserted planet, and she takes care of the animals, while also riding a hoverboard competitively. She’s contacted by some galactic king to join a team and fix the alignment of the stars? (sorry if it’s not exactly right lol its 4am). When accepting, she also meets this girl that she had been competing with at hoverboard competitions, and they develop a really sweet friendship with each other and a few other friends/teammates.

Unlike the other Barbie movies, we kind of understand why everyone else looks up to Barbie as a leader figure. She makes decisions confidently and goes through so much character development. Even the villain goes through a sort of redemption arc, and it’s done fairly well!!! This is so much different from other Barbie movies.

This feels like it could be, like, a legitimate movie that could be played in theaters rather than a straight-to-DVD Barbie movie. The animation in this was GORGEOUS, like miles better than 99% of the other movies. Plus, cute animal sidekick (FINALLY).

We can’t gush about this enough, people should be made aware of this movie. It’s completely worth your time. IT’S ALSO ON NETFLIX.

GAYNESS RANK: This is another one that’s moreso appealing to gay people rather than being gay itself. However, Barbie and the other girl that rides the hoverboard have a few really gay scenes, such as meeting up in a garden late at night and riding around. They giggle and laugh with each other and have a deep conversation about life and shit while staring up at the (gorgeously animated) sky. That def gets some points.

That’s it those are all the 36 Barbie movies ranked based off of nothing but pure............................ hubris? Stupidity? Pride? I don’t know. I’m so sorry. We fucking hated watching most of these.

Except for Starlight Adventure.... You can stay.

#barbie #barbie movies #ranking #tier list #how do i tag this.......#chan shut up #please read this we need validation #i'm so tired its beddy bye bro

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lizzybeth1986 · 5 years

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What are your overall thoughts on Madeleine as a character including what transpired between her and Hana? I've felt iffy about her, but I'm not sure how to phrase that. I think you can better articulate and explain than I could 😅

Not to boast…but you’ve come to the right person (besides @callmetippytumbles who has made excellent points time and again about how the writing centers Madeleine in ways that they should have been centering Hana). I have written A LOT about that issue especially. Here are some of my meta on that if you’re interested:

Brushed Under the Carpet: Madeleine as an Alternate LI (this was written after TRR Book 3 Chapter 9, where they were subtly hinting at making them a ship).

QT on Book 3 Chapter 16 (Tbh thankfully the bit I was predicting here - Madeleine getting the coming out story that should have been Hana’s - wound up not happening, though part of it could have been from them having to scrap the entire idea after the backlash).

How Do You Fix Hana’s Characterization in TRR? (this essay listed a whole set of changes both to help strengthen Hana’s storyline and to give her the attention and validation she deserved but didn’t get in the actual story)

This replay to an ask posted after 3 of the 4 writers on the team claimed Hana was the kind of person they would marry.

A lot of this illustrates my problems with Madeleine on a level of characterization (and Tippy covers the aspects that deal not with Hana, but with Madeleine's half-baked redemption arc and how the narrative tries really hard to convince us that she does her job well, even when she isn’t doing it properly).

With regards to Madeleine herself, I feel like they started out fully intending that the reader hate her and view her as a rival, before turning the tables and establishing her as “innocent” of the conspiracy (though still extremely unlikeable). In narrative structure, the bachelorette chapter had a lot of striking similarities to the Lythikos chapter where you found out about Olivia’s painful childhood before she mocked Drake about his missing sister. I feel like the aim was to make us see Madeleine in a different light, while still remembering why we dislike her.

Somewhere along the line (with Hana’s chocolate scene) they went too far, and Madeleine went from unlikeable to completely repulsive. After that, the team attempted to completely backtrack, by cramming in a sympathy arc for her and after the “hazing process” excuse, what she did to Hana especially was never addressed again. Suddenly she was the patriot who would sacrifice her life and happiness for Cordonia, a figure to be admired and pitied. A woman who was immensely talented and did her job well [even when she actually didn’t]). Most of her characterization, really, consists of retconning.

But I have no interest in Madeleine, or her characterization. I just don’t. No, what I’m going to touch upon today is narrative treatment.

–

Rival figures are important in a story. They’re a foil to the main character: sometimes they exist simply to make the MC look better (ew), sometimes they’re there to show the MC what the larger society in their world is like, and what challenges they may face, and sometimes they’re an unexpected ally after the MC figures out the problem goes way deeper than the rivalry with them. So if you have a rival who behaves badly, treats the people around her badly? That in itself is not really a bad thing.

It makes me hurt for the characters at the receiving end, but as long as long as the narrative validates their experience on its own initiative, and allows them space, I will be fine. If I’m shown bullying and abuse in a narrative towards a character, I’m going to want to see the person hurting from this:

1. have support. Immense support

2. have a friend circle that will protect them and put them first

3. have opportunities to talk about what this is doing to them

4. have opportunities to push back against the bully

Personally the bully’s journey or whatever is of no importance to me. I simply don’t care. As much as possible I would not care about what grand monumental realizations they get behind the scenes, or what their rotten-egg-smelling guilt looks like. What matters to me is the person bullied. I need to see them win. I need to see them thrive. I need to see them receive support and validation.

One example I can give in terms of that being done well, is Penelope. Penelope is treated like a servant by Madeleine, called names, forever reminded she is good-for-nothing and useless and can’t do anything right. The bullying is constant and puts an already anxiety-ridden Penelope under additional pressure, to the point that when we meet her at Portavira in Book 3 she is VERY reluctant to return to court, and panics when certain things remind her of Madeleine’s behaviour. You have to coddle and cajole her with promises that Madeleine would never be able to do anything to her, and that she can bring her Emotional Support Animals with her to court. If we choose not to address her concerns, our friends will do it on our behalf. Drake Trauma-Minimizing Walker himself, is shown reassuring her the moment they meet in Portavira:

So it is very possible, even if the rival/bitchy character is expected to not feel remorse, and still retains a huge portion of her bitchiness, that we can still get a satisfying arc where the person in pain has support and care, and can thrive.

In Penelope’s case, perhaps the only downside may be that, while the narrative is clear about Madeleine’s bullying and its impact on Penelope, it still keeps Madeleine comfortably away from this narrative so she doesn’t even have to engage with it. She herself doesn’t exactly face consequences. The truth doesn’t even touch her.

But we don’t feel the pinch of this, so much with Penelope… precisely because PENELOPE is validated, given support and is given the space to completely refuse to even go with them if the MC doesn’t make great efforts to support and be nice to her (this, even though she has herself harmed us). She is allowed to get upset if we even question her on not following the dress code of our bachelorette, because it reminds her of Madeleine’s. She is even “rewarded” with a guy, no matter which playthrough.

And not every character is going to be a Penelope who will require that level of coddling from other people. So it’s not always about the MC and others needing to constantly protect and reassure such people. Sometimes it’s just simply about whether said character is allowed to push back against the bully. Hana gets a small measure of this when she’s allowed (but only on one occasion, that too a 30 diamond scene that wasn’t even coded properly later) to tell Olivia exactly what she thinks of her (and Olivia is allowed to say shit about her even after that, without Hana ever being allowed the same space again).

Now the thing with Hana (with regards to Madeleine) is…that they could have easily given her space to push back. Easily given the MC opportunities to protect her. Easily ensured that Hana didn’t have to engage with Madeleine if she didn’t want to. Have her whack friends fucking remember what she was put through at least!!!

Let’s go through how that could have been done one by one:

Pushing Back: One of the most bizarre choices the TRR team made was the give the scene about Liam telling Hana he would get her back to court (ergo, that Hana returned through Liam’s help, not Madeleine as the latter kept claiming) to Drake! He gets to narrate this story to the MC, but Hana herself is never allowed to acknowledge the fact or even talk about it. If she were, she would have at least (at the very least!!!) been given chances to hint at Madeleine twisting the truth, implied as much to Madeleine or to the MC, pushed back in her own unique way. The narrative not only pushes the truth of her return in DRAKE’S scene…it also never gives HER the opportunity to do anything actively against Madeleine’s very obvious twisting of the truth. Just so that Madeleine would continue to have way more power over Hana throughout. The bullying occurs much before the incident in Italy, but Hana herself is expected to stay silent.

Support: Now it’s not as if Penelope gets to push back on her own to Madeleine during this time either (except for a few comments here and there). But Penelope does get plenty of support and eventually protection. Does this apply to Hana as well?

Technically, you could view the fondue party scene that took place after the “chocolate allergy” incident as “support” - but at best it’s very weak “support”, and at its worst it really just a scene revolves around all the other characters (especially around gaining Olivia’s friendship), with a hurt, frightened Hana hovering in the background of the scene.

The MC has the option (option!!) to “call Madeleine out” on the events of the previous night when they’re in Paris, but it mostly results in Madeleine pretending it was a test of some sort (which the MC never bothers to contradict even though she knows better). The best case scenario is, well, that…and the worst case scenario is that Hana never really finds out even that, up until the end.

Speaking Out and Validation: Not only does the narrative not address the bullying after it has happened (until the very end of the series), it uses Hana - the woman who was harmed - to minimize its impact as well. On the one occasion you actually do get to talk to her about the night of Madeleine’s bachelorette party, they make Hana say (if you state that you don’t remember anything from that night), that "the tequila brought out Kiara's mean side, and Madeleine's fun side". Madeleine’s “fun side”, presumably, involves her laughing over targeting, torturing and breaking the vulnerable women in her court I suppose. (also, way to do Kiara dirty while forgetting what Madeleine did, PB!)

Further ahead, the MC and her friends promptly forget about this - Hana is expected to help the MC extract important information from her without even bothering to find out if she is comfortable or not, for instance. The forgetfulness gets to the point where, in the epilogue, (when Madeleine repeats to Hana what she’d told the MC back then) the MC acts like it is the first time she is hearing about Madeleine’s intentions to break Hana.

So forget about getting validation, for a large chunk of the narrative Hana wasn’t even allowed to view her own experience with bullying as painful. And if anything, her friend circle didn’t mind putting her needs and comfort last when it suited them.

The biggest problem about the storyline that involves Hana and Madeleine is the question of who should be getting more space and development, and who actually does. The time and energy spent on Hana navigating a court like this which such threats over her head…is spent instead on literally everything else. The time that could have been spent working on Hana’s background and childhood history…was spent to build Madeleine’s redemption arc instead (ironically, Adelaide starts feeding us with that sympathy arc in Shanghai, Hana’s home).

Effort was spent on extolling Madeleine efficiency and great work, even though there was very little of it to be seen. Effort was spent on making Madeleine look patriotic and not power-hungry, in making it clear to us that her father’s rejections left an impact on her. Even the story involving her attraction to Hana revolved more around HER, not around the woman she hurt. Was the same effort put into exploring Hana’s own struggle in court? In how she feels when people hurt her? In whether she is comfortable doing certain things? I think we all know the answer to that.

The key to why I hate Madeleine’s story so much isn’t that she’s a horrible person. You can be a horrible person and still have a compelling story. You can be a horrible person, and unapologetic about it, but still have the narrative validate what the people you had harmed went through.

It’s that the narrative and team knows and acknowledges her toxic behaviour, but only for a character that they like. They conveniently decided to cherry pick who would be comforted and given reassurance, and who would be forced to praise her bully for her ‘patriotism’. I should have been spending way less time on Madeleine’s redemption and coddling Penelope, and more time on making Hana feel safe in a largely alien place where she has no one but us - and where she is staying only for our protection. My problem is that they didn’t consider Hana’s pain important enough to even address, much less validate.

#anti the royal romance #hana lee #anti madeleine #ask me #anonymous #did i just take an ask about madeleine and talk about very little but hana instead? yes. yes i did #hana deserved better. hana DESERVES better #and don't even get me started on validation penelope gets that kiara doesn't #that's a topic for another post but i will stay mad about it #long post #bullying tw #courtly ladies anon

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theonceoverthinker · 6 years

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OUAT 1X16 - Heart of Darkness

Howdy! It’s been well over a week since I wrote my last review, so will this episode get me back into the swing of things or just leave me with a heart of darkness?

Your answer to this most deliberating question lies below the cut.

Press Release Mary Margaret hires Mr. Gold as her attorney when Emma is forced to arrest her for the suspected murder of David’s wife, Kathryn. Meanwhile, back in the fairytale land that was, Prince Charming sets out to stop a determined and unhinged Snow White, whose memory is still clouded by Rumplestiltskin’s potion, from assassinating the Evil Queen. General Thoughts Past Snow’s character in this episode is just phenomenal. Her character builds on the aspects introduced in other episodes. In addition to seeing almost this path she’d walk if she’d never met Charming come out in full force, demonstrating just how much love is necessary in Snow’s life, we see some of the snarkiness (Such as in her scene with Red in the flashback of “7:15AM”) taken to eleven. And what I think works even better is that while Snow is undeniably showing unfavorable behavior, especially to her friends and roommates, until we get to Charming, just like Rumple in “Skin Deep,” it’s kept funny. It’s domestic (A term that the fandom often abuses and can sometimes demand too much of, but here it works because those scenes act to better the story) and snarky - and most importantly, fully enjoyable for the audience. Annoying characters should be annoying to the other characters, not to the audience, and Snow fulfils that so well. I found myself cracking up so much here! And at the same time, the tonal shift for when things need to get serious lands. Originally, I thought it happened after Snow went to Rumple, but I was shocked when we saw just how horrifying Snow could be in the second flashback. Not only do we see her viciousness in that attack on the knight, but those bits of manipulations towards Grumpy do a good job reflecting her change and lack of concern. Present The conflict in this episode is richer than a bite of the world’s finest cookie, and by that I mean that it’s tragic as all hell, but so fascinating to sit through. The main relationships are being picked at and brought to their limits - friendships, romances, power dynamics, rivalries - and it all works so well. Everyone’s motivations are laid out and you can see where they are coming from because they’re all from real places - even those on the more fantastical side of things. For the first time, we’re seeing Emma in this impossible lose-lose position where to help Mary Margaret, she has to hurt her, and Mary Margaret’s expected frustration is so understandable. While they make it clear that she logically understands what’s going on, her frustration at having to be the person going through all of these consequences is - while hard to watch - a reasonable reaction, especially as the evidence against her grows that much more. And that in turn fuels Emma’s frustrations, though those are kept more reserved, a very in-character move for Season 1 Emma. And I love how Regina is there - making things as painful and complicated for all involved. From her mere appearance to her fake shows of sympathy to her brief shows of her hand, Mary Margaret and Emma’s conflicts rise like gas prices in every instance of her presence. It gives this episode the feeling of breathlessness because you never know when she’s going to show up next. Both I feel like the episode was trying to push a theme of “maybe you don’t really know the people in your life as well as you think you do,” but the fact that the people judged are either being framed or have their memories wiped makes it fall flat. It works better in the present, since Regina’s the one who is setting everyone up to fail (Another instance of Regina bringing up the theme of the episode), but in the past, it’s weaker. Insights -Ruby taking off that hood makes me feel things. Very gay things. :D -I think that opening in the flashback may be in my top 5 opening flashbacks in the entire series! -I know that this is more of a “That Still Small Voice” things, but it just came to mind: Do you think a post-finale Jiminy is still immortal? Will he die as soon as Marco dies? Blue mentioned that he’d live as long as it took to help Gepetto. Did the curse take that away since he wasn’t a cricket anymore? -Why did no one let Jiminy out of that thing?! -Damn, I love Regina’s dialogue throughout this whole interrogation scene. In addition to touching each and every nerve of Mary Margaret, David, and Emma’s as I stated before, because we know now what happened to Regina, everything she says has this double meaning. -I shouted “FUCK” when Snow attacked that guy. Snow...I know you go on to kill Cora and all, but that was just fucking brutal. -I love how (1) Emma’s knows that Henry’s going to sneak out to hang with her no matter what and is now just making moves to ensure he’ll be safe about it, and (2) the MM picture with Henry reflects on her too, as if that’s her ideal life now. -The more I see August and Henry, the more I wish they’d bro’d out a bit more in the later seasons after Henry became the Author. I know they wanted to give more of an impression that Henry was going into his authorship blind so he wouldn’t have all the answers and make conflicts too easy, but I feel like since August was pretty flawed and didn’t fully understand what it meant to be the Author, he and Henry could’ve still had some interesting conversations about it. -”As real as I am.” August, was that a backhanded compliment I spied? -Gold, you glorious bastard! That smirk as Emma’s leaving fucking kills me! -”If you can bottle love, you can do anything.” That is just a cool fucking line, and it sort of comes back in Season 3 with the time travel recipe. -Fuck, I’m always so impressed by the double meanings of these lines, and half of what Rumple says in his flashback scenes can go here. -And the way that Rumple sells himself as a madman to make others underestimate him is so genius. The way that he only lets that down for a few individuals throughout the flashbacks shows just how much he respects them. -Snow, that was a very good reaction! Charming, love you man, but you are such a dolt sometimes. -JMo’s “holy shit” faces are priceless! The door opening was incredible! -Josh’s eyes are so blue! They’re like the color of the ocean in Florida! -Davie, my boy. If MM killed her, how did she suddenly grow and de-grow all of that hair? -Why no rainbow of love from that Snowing kiss? -Can anyone tell me the timeline of Snow living with the dwarfs? Like, Charming was getting married at most one day after Snow’s visit. Then Grumpy tells Snow that the wedding was off, presumably on the day of the wedding, and that’s when Snow took the potion. And after an undisclosed amount of time, Snow became Bitchy Snow. How long did the dwarfs have to get to know the real Snow before that ended? -Why weren’t the keys court-worthy? Is it because she’s the mayor? I still feel like they should count for something? Phoenix Wright, anything to add on this? Arcs Kathryn Nolan’s Kidnapping - The strength of this arc comes not from the mystery itself, but from all of the character interactions we get out of it. Like, last week, I found the search for Kathryn that didn’t touch upon Ruby’s character to be confusing and a little boring. However, those character moments between them? Amazing! For instance, in this episode, I feel like things were better structured because they played around with and prodded their most engaging relationships. Emma’s search for evidence probably wouldn’t have done anything for me had Henry not been there to hang out with her and help her solve things. The strain on Mary Margaret and Emma’s friendship that this case and Regina was causing was heartbreaking and drew my attention like a fly to a house light. But the development of the mystery did work, hitting all the plot points it had to to bring out everyone’s desperation. Favorite Dynamic David and Mary Margaret - Because I haven’t really liked this dynamic for the most part in the present, I felt especially impressed with them here. David’s determination to help save Mary Margaret, even at his own expense, is just inspiring. Taking a fall like that shows the dedication I wanted to see out of David and it really makes me feel like he learned his lesson from “Whatever Happened to Frederick?” And that just makes those subtle bits of manipulation, the horribly timed bits of memories returned, and his discussion with Mary Margaret so sad. On Mary Margaret’s side, it’s so awful to see that someone who believed in her who wasn’t bound to a job turned on her. From her perspective, that just happened on a dime and it makes that scene between them so profoundly powerful. Writer Chambliss and Goldberg are at it again! These guys are so solid together. They have a way of taking advantage of these story ideas and making the nitty gritty of these conflicts so nuanced. While I’ve only adored their use of theme in one episode (“Fruit of the Poisonous Tree”), they do a great job balancing out their episodes through their use of story and characters to make the ride fun! Rating 10/10. I genuinely had no problem with this episode. While the theme isn’t an especially strong one, the story and character interactions more than make up for it. We finally get to see what so much of Regina’s plotting and scheming is starting to add up to, and it brings everyone to their brink. And in the past, we get to see so much of Snow with other characters and understand what a Snow without love could become. This is such a tragic episode to watch, but it’s so engaging seeing everyone try to figure out this mystery as obstacles are introduced and allegiances are tested. Flip My Ship Snowing - I love how these brief windows of time when Snow and Charming can actually be together show how strong their love actually is. Their lines are poetic and their actions are big and dramatic but not at all off-putting. Additionally, unlike in “Whatever Happened With Frederick,” we see what Snow’s life would’ve been like without love, and we see just how much Charming has changed and benefitted Snow’s life just by being there for her and showing her that she can be there for someone too. Additionally, their banter is just fantastic. Finally, Snow said the full line for the first time! Squee!!!

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Another winner! Let’s see if the next episode can pull something similar out of it’s hat!

Thank you again to the fine folks at @watchingfairytales for putting this together and giving me some space on their pretty page!

Season Tally (139/220) Writer Tally for Season 1: A&E (41/70) Liz Tigelaar (17/20)* David Goodman (24/50) Jane Espenson (36/60) Andrew Chambliss and Ian Goldberg (29/40) Daniel Thomsen (8/10)* (* = Their work for the season is complete)

Operation Rewatch Archives

#ouat #once upon a time #watching fairytales #ouat 1x16 #ouat rewatch #jenna watches ouat #ships mentioned #snowing #basically every character in this episode is discussed

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littleststarfighter · 7 years

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The Last Jedi thoughts spoilers ahead

Had one hell of a wonderful time seeing the last Jedi with Jeu. A lot like grey Jedi there was things I loved and thing's I was disappointed with, and all the feelings between. But going to stick to what I liked rather than negatives, because I'm tired of negatives lately. So here's some thoughts, very rambling one's as I forgot half of my impressions. I think I talked most of them with Jeu and forgot. Probably talking bollocks but here’s my initial thoughts.

Hux lives!!!! so bloody happy. Hux was certainly different, wasn't sure I'd enjoy the change in giving him a more humorous take. But felt it added some personality or warmth to him. He's still the smarmy, ruthless, bitchy shit I loved. But the film really showed he has faults, he really has no experience in leadership or hell doesn't realise when someone is messing with him. He's pretty obtuse in that regard. Hux relies on his subordinates too much in the film to tell him what's happening. The older Dreadnought commander worked out Poe was taking out the canon's, while Hux mocked the single ship daring to attack the Dreadnought. Showing how little battle experience he has unlike other older commanders. He's a little lost boy brought into a life of war by his father who hated him, to think he's bigger than he really is. One manipulated by his elders and one who is clever, ruthless, ambitious and has plans, but underneath he seems to concentrate on what's in front of him rather than think ahead, like saying to ignore Holdos ship after pettily blowing up the other failing craft. Big mistake. He doesn't understand the desperation of cornered enemies. He's Snokes perfect foil to pit against Kylo in his wanting to be recognised for his authority, in turn to make him never question Snokes authority, despite how terribly Snoke treated him. Now Kylo. I loved that Kylo showed his intelligence here in manipulating the master manipulator Snoke. He played everyone, Rey most of all. He's all lies. Still one angry child which he showed when Luke faces him. Hux of all people had to tell him he was going to far with his anger. He's a mess in the film lashing out at anyone who hurts him. Tormented still by Han and now Luke. That 'see you later kid' from Luke must have thrown Kylo. It's such a Han line. Rey rejecting him and him not understanding why brought up the mother of anger issues. The last scene of him holding Han’s dice as they fade killed me. He's so lost. Looking forward to Ren being in charge and how that shapes the first order and Hux. Mostly because of the scenes of Kylo issuing orders and Hux repeating them. Kylos look of exasperation was a classic. Makes you think about their dynamic to come because Hux isn't loyal by far, and those two will be at odds, and throats. I know a lot of folks saw their relationship as abusive in the film. But I feel it was brought about due to both being utterly exhausted and running on fumes, nary a pause after starkiller and emotions all over from relentlessly pursuing the resistance and Snoke being a prize arsehole to both. Hux willing to shoot an unconscious Kylo and Kylo choking Hux into calling him supreme leader. They both weren't at their best. I’m not defending what Kylo did, but it seems the only way Kylo knew to best Hux in that moment and make him surrender to his will. He still has to watch out for Huxs gun from now on. (still a bit angry at the throwing Hux around scene though. Have to try and get my thoughts on that settled.) Not that the choking seemed to stop Hux issuing order's after Kylo. Hux still has faith his troopers and commanders will listen to him. And Kylo wants to succeed in his grab for power so keeps Hux around, showing him who's boss in the only way Kylo knows from both their treatment at Snokes hand. Both he and Hux will have to learn to get along or the FO will fall. Perhaps with Snoke no longer leading their rivalry they can both learn to be leaders together. But not sure they will, they're both emotional messes letting feelings of superiority and anger rule them, just Kylo is more obvious. And their story parallels Poe who had to learn fast from Leia and Holdo what it means to be a leader. But I look forward to what fandom will do with their new dynamic. My Kylux heart wants them to start to see that together they bring out the best in one another, but at each other throats they will fail. I think we can create great things with them still. Poe I loved what they did with him. I loved his journey from cocky reckless pilot to becoming leader material. He’s been fighting all his life and wants to win by any means, it takes Leia and Holdo to show him the means don't justify the end. I loved his relationship with Leia, the caring and respect. Even when he was being a idiot hothead. Poe probably reminds her of Han. Leia was wonderful. I tried not to cry but I failed when her and Luke we're finally reunited. And holly fuck she finally used the force. Her friendship with Holdo I loved. Also being an older women I loved seeing older ladies being in charge, getting to be brave (Holdo’s fateful choice saving everyone ) A lot of Star wars women are great fully formed characters you can look up to, not just young Rey and Rose, but older Leia and Holdo. But ahhhh man Luke you wonderful angst ball. He's made mistakes, big ones, but unlike Kylo he finally faced the things hurting him and found forgiveness from Leia and within himself. That he was the one to triggered everything with Ben’s turn was a surprise. I’m not sure how they set him up, to let himself give into dark and doubt when he did the opposite to turn Vader, was something I agree with. Loved his humour poking through the angst in teasing Rey with the reed, before he got serious again. Rey I love too. She spent so long looking for her family. Always looking to find herself in them, but finding she came from nobodies. I liked that because it shows Rey is powerful on her own. She's no legacy like Kylo (maybe, it could change by the next film.). Despite all her longing and hardship of the past she see's so much good in people. I hope by the end she finds the family she needs. She very much has it with the resistance and Leia. Plus finally Finn finds her and the hug was sweet. Finn's journey was something he needed. To stop running and be fearful, find something to follow he believes in. He's true rebel scum now 😜 I just wish his arch had kept him with the rebels, he could have faced this fears without that unnecessary storyline. Rose could show how it is for them while they fight to survive. I wish the battles had been better. The bombing run was amazing, very reminiscent of old ww2 planes and pilots. They even had ball turret's. But the other ship fights weren't quite as exciting. I loved the Rebellion and was gutted they lost so much. But It's like despite everything seeming so lost like Poe say's their belief in good and family and one another will light the flame of rebellion. I am left wondering in killing off most of the resistance how they will gather more? Stormtrooper uprising next???? With Finn instigating it. Ahh I have so many thoughts. There were negatives, Phasma facing Finn sadly wasn't so good, Snoke went out like a punk ass, but I choose to stick to the positives here.

Also so many ideas to draw and a slow computer are frustrating. I'll be posting some old art I did while away to make up for slowness with new. I'm determined to do a few before Christmas strikes. So fingers crossed. Sorry for the ramble. Been away a looong time and have so much I want to talk about. Off to go watch the film again and will probably change my mind on a lot of what I typed X_X

#the last jedi #tlj spoilers #I talk utter rubbish for a bit #missed eveyone #I still adore Hux i swear i just see his faults too #both of theirs really #and love them for it #nervous #please dont eat me I'm just flinging things out of my head

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centerofstupidity · 7 years

Text

Twilight Chapter 3 Snark

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Interested in reading previous Twilight chapter snarks? They can be found here.

Chapter Summary: Bella is saved by sparkledouche. And Tyler's van is the best character in this craptastic series.

In the event that this gets flagged, here is another place to read the chapter snark.

When I opened my eyes in the morning, something was different.

"My entire bedroom was covered with sticky notes."

I jumped up to look outside, and then groaned in horror.

Did Bella see demons emerging from the netherworld to rape and pillage? Nope.

Did Bella see an alien invasion? Nope.

Did Bella see Cthulu? Nope.

What did Bella see that is so horrifying? It is snow!

Bella complains that the driveway is a "deadly ice slick."

And since Bella is so clumsy, she thinks "it might be safer for me to go back to bed."

Charlie has left for work and Bella has some breakfast.

I felt excited to go to school, and that scared me.

"I can't lose my weirdo status! That would be terrible!"

I knew it wasn't the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends.

Well, duh.

Bella doesn't have any friends and thinks she is smarter than everyone else.

If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid.

Most people would be turned off by a guy who acts like a bipolar psycho. But Bella?

She thinks he is a hunk and wants to be near him.

I should be avoiding him entirely after my brainless and embarrassing babbling yesterday.

Bella being brainless? Let me think... Yes!

But she didn't babble to Edward. Bella whined about how her life sucks then got all prickly when Edward started asking her questions.

If I were her, I would be embarrassed that I bitched and moaned to a perfect stranger then acted rudely.

And I was suspicious of him; why should he lie about his eyes?

Did it ever occur to you that perhaps his eyes never changed color and you only imagined it?

I was still frightened of the hostility I sometimes felt emanating from him, and I was still tongue tied whenever I pictured his perfect face.

"A guy who acts like a douchebag gets me all hot and bothered."

Bella whines about her perilous journey to walk down the driveway and get inside her car.

Clearly, today was going to be nightmarish.

For the reader, each chapter is always a nightmare.

And on the way to school, Bella becomes a classic Sue trait: she is the most attractive woman in the universe but she is unaware of her beauty. And the Sue gets the attention of all the men and the envy of all the women.

I was sure I looked exactly the same as I had in Phoenix. Maybe it was just that the boys back home had watched me pass slowly through all the awkward phases of adolescence and still thought of me that way.

Because of course Bella has met all the guys in Phoenix and they ALL viewed her as a gawky teenager.

Wait a tick... She is STILL a gawky teenager.

And no, guys do not forever think of a girl as an ugly duckling.

The very moment said duckling becomes slightly attractive, guys will forget any past blemishes.

It's likely that the guys in Phoenix had more girls to choose from and ignored the antisocial surly weirdo.

Perhaps it was because I was a novelty here, where novelties were few and far between.

Because Forks is so dull that they would view Bella as a positive addition to their town.

Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress.

Riiight. Because guys would think a weirdo who trips over air molecules to be adorable.

Bella, you ARE a damsel in distress.

Whatever the reason, Mike's puppy dog behavior and Eric's apparent rivalry with him were disconcerting. I wasn't sure if I didn't prefer being ignored.

"It's so awful having icky guys fighting over me! If I can't be Edward's wife, then I want to be ignored!"

And Mike having "puppy dog behavior"?

Bella has no problem with driving her truck and drives slowly so she doesn't "carve a path of destruction."

She arrives at school and realizes that Charlie put snow chains on her truck.

If I was Charlie, I would have cut Bella's brake lines. Bella is standing by the back of the truck when she hears a loud and high-pitched screech.

It's Tyler's Van and it is on a mission from God.

Nothing was moving in slow motion, the way it does in the movies.

Ya know, I think that comment sounded wittier in Stephenie Meyer's head than it does on paper.

Instead, the adrenaline rush seemed to make my brain work much faster, and I was able to absorb in clear detail several things at once.

For someone who is supposed to be the smartest person in the world, Bella is just standing there while a van is careening towards her.

Edward is staring at Bella "in horror."

His face stood out from a sea of faces, all frozen in the same mask of shock.

Edward Cullen is the only person that matters! Everybody else is filthy peasants.

But of more immediate importance was the dark blue van that was skidding, tires locked and squealing against the brakes, spinning wildly across the ice of the parking lot.

Why is Bella still alive? The van should have crushed her by now.

It is almost as if Satan is trying to prevent the death of a Mary Sue...

Well, that explains a lot...

It was going to hit the back corner of my truck, and I was standing between them. I didn't even have time to close my eyes.

Before Bella Swan can be vanquished, someone saves her. I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count.

My head cracked against the icy blacktop, and I felt something solid and cold pinning me to the ground.

Don't worry having any brain damage, Bella.

You need to have a brain before it can be injured.

"Take me like a kleptomaniac, you perfect and sparkling Adonis!"

Bella is lying on the pavement. The van is determined to vanquish Bella and is about "to collide with me again."

A low oath made me aware that someone was with me, and the voice was impossible not to recognize.

Who is making an oath?

Is she talking about someone swearing? The horror!

So Sparkledouche protects Bella (boo hiss!) and kills Tyler's van.

Rest in peace, Tyler's van. You are going to see the Spirit in the Sky.

It was absolutely silent for one long second before the screaming began. In the abrupt bedlam, I could hear more than one person shouting my name.

Nobody gives a damn about the driver. Tyler isn't the Sue so he doesn't matter.

Instead, everyone is fretting about Bella Swan, Emo Bitch Extraordinaire and the Queen of Phoenix.

Of course, Edward is worried about Bella who bumped her head.

Bella says "ow."

"That's what I thought." His voice, amazingly, sounded like he was suppressing laughter.

Bella wonders how Edward got over to her so quickly and he tells her that "I was standing right next to you, Bella."

And then they found us, a crowd of people with tears streaming down their faces, shouting at each other, shouting at us.

It is only logical that everyone cares about a sullen and psycho bitch.

Everyone is panicking and Bella tries to get up. Like a perfect gentleman, Edward pushes her down.

He also orders her to "stay put." Charming.

Bella whines about it being cold. Edward laughs but he is not happy.

She insists that Edward was standing next to his car. Edward then says that he "wasn't".

The adults finally show up.

But I obstinately held on to our argument; I was right, and he was going to admit it.

"I'm the Author Sue! So that means that I'm always right!"

Edward tells Bella that he was standing with her and pulled her out of the way.

Bella gets pissed off and tells him "no." Edward pleads with her and Bella demands "why?"

Edward tells her to "trust me" and promises to explain everything to her later.

They are both pissed off at each other.

It takes six EMTs and two teachers to move the van so they can bring the stretchers in.

Edward vehemently refused his, and I tried to do the same, but the traitor told them I'd hit my head and probably had a concussion.

How is Edward a "traitor"?

He promised Bella that he would explain everything.

But he didn't promise that Bella won't be going to the hospital.

I almost died of humiliation when they put on the neck brace.

"OMG! It's like so embarrassing to like almost die and have all the common sheep staring at me!"

It looked like the entire school was there, watching soberly as they loaded me in the back of the ambulance. Edward got to ride in the front. It was maddening.

Bella wants to be the center of attention...

But once people notice her, she bitches and moans because "OMG! The peasants are gawking at me!"

You can't have it both ways, bitch.

And in real life, no one would give a damn about a sullen and bitchy weirdo.

To make matters worse, Chief Swan arrived before they could get me safely away.

It's odd that Bella is informal with a guy who has "stalker" written all over him than her own FATHER.

She calls him "Chief Swan".

Charlie is concerned and this annoys Bella. She tunes him out and thinks about what happened.

When they'd lifted me away from the car, I had seen the deep dent in the tan car's bumper — a very distinct dent that fit the contours of Edward's shoulders… as if he had braced himself against the car with enough force to damage the metal frame…

Stephenie Meyer doesn't know that metal in a car crash does not neatly bend into the shape of whatever it hits.

It usually dents inwards.

So Bella should be seeing only a dent.

She shouldn't be able to tell that Sparkle Douche jammed his shoulder against the car.

And then there was his family, looking on from the distance, with expressions that ranged from disapproval to fury but held no hint of concern for their brother's safety.

Because they despise a Mary Sue.

I tried to think of a logical solution that could explain what I had just seen — a solution that excluded the assumption that I was insane.

AndI love the idea that the entire series is told from the perspective of a horny mental patient.

Naturally, the ambulance got a police escort to the county hospital.

Because Bella is so awesome, she can't say that her dad followed the ambulance.

Instead, she makes it sound like the entire police department escorted her to the hospital.

Bella whines about being in the ambulance.

What made it worse was that Edward simply glided through the hospital doors under his own power.

"It's so unfair. The filthy peasants are paying ATTENTION to me! It's like so EMBARRASSING!"

Bella is in the emergency room. A nurse puts on a "pressure cuff" and takes her temperature before walking away.

Which is strange because the nurse didn't take Bella's blood pressure.

Bella calls the neck brace "stupid-looking" before getting rid of it.

Thank God the hospital staff no longer gives a damn about the Queen of Phoenix.

Tyler is brought in. He has a nasty head wound and has cuts all over his body.

But since Bella is a Mary Sue, Tyler is groveling. Because Heaven forbid, a Sue is inconvenienced.

He ignored me. "I thought I was going to kill you! I was going too fast, and I hit the ice wrong…" He winced as one nurse started dabbing at his face.

"Don't worry about it; you missed me."

"How did you get out of the way so fast? You were there, and then you were gone…"

That doesn't make a lot of sense.

Tyler's van was skidding and spinning on the ice at a high speed.

It would be hard to focus on anything and see EXACTLY what is happening.

But he was able to SEE Bella and RECOGNIZE her.

Bella tries to explain that it was sparkledouche who saved her. But Tyler is surprised to hear this because he didn't see Edward.

I knew I wasn't crazy. What had happened? There was no way to explain away what I'd seen.

Four words: You knocked your head.

But since Bella Swan is a Sue, she can't have a head injury. What she says must be taken as gospel.

Bella doesn't have a concussion (how shocking!). But she can't leave until she talks to a doctor.

So I was trapped in the ER, waiting, harassed by Tyler 's constant apologies and promises to make it up to me. No matter how many times I tried to convince him I was fine, he continued to torment himself. He kept up a remorseful mumbling.

It's annoying that Bella Swan constantly sneering at everyone.

I still can't believe that some people think Bella Swan is a great and likable character.

So Bella ignores Tyler and closes her eyes. Then, Sparkledouche shows up and asks if she is sleeping.

I glared at him. It wasn't easy — it would have been more natural to ogle.

Because when a guy is a smug douchebag, you should be undressing him with your eyes.

Bella whines that she isn't allowed to leave and then asks him why isn't he "strapped to a gurney like the rest of us?"

Edward explains that he has connections and he is here to get her out of the hospital.

A handsome blond doctor shows up. Of course, Bella has a massive lady boner.

For some strange reason, Bella is surprised that the doctor looks tired and has dark bags under his eyes.

From Charlie's description, this had to be Edward's father.

Charlie only described Edward's father as being a handsome doctor who is happily married.

He didn't say that the doctor had blond hair.

For someone who is supposedly the smartest person in the universe, she is a moron.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen and Bella make polite conversation. He looks at Bella's X-rays and examines her head.

Edward is snickering and smiling.

Why is Edward the love interest? He is acting like douche. Even Bella thinks so.

Carlisle tells Bella that she can go home but she can come back to the hospital if she starts having any problems.

Bella wants to go back to school because she doesn't want to be home with her father. She is pissed that Edward can go to school.

"Someone has to spread the good news that we survived," Edward said smugly.

"Somebody has to collect the bets. The majority of the student body wagered that you were roadkill."

"Actually," Dr. Cullen corrected, "most of the school seems to be in the waiting room."

A Mary Sue can't be ignored!

Only an evil blasphemer would do such a thing.

If she breaks a nail, somebody must call the National Guard!

If the Sue has a boo-boo, the entire country flocks to her to present their condolences and offer her gifts.

And why should anyone care about Tyler?

He isn't the Gary Stu or friends with the Sue. He's a filthy peasant who nearly killed the Queen of Phoenix.

Bella covers her face with her hands and moans "Oh no." Carlisle says that she can stay in the hospital if she wants.

Bella tries to leave quickly. But since she is such a klutz, she falls. Unfortunately, Carlisle catches her.

She assures him that she is fine. Carlisle signs her chart with a "flourish."

Bella tells Carlisle that Edward was standing next to her. He mumbles an agreement and then starts treating Tyler.

My intuition flickered; the doctor was in on it.

Bella wants to speak with Edward alone. Edward walks away but she runs after him.

He demands to know what Bella wants. Bella insists that "You owe me an explanation."

"I saved your life — I don't owe you anything."

I hate to say it but Sparkledouche has a point.

He doesn't owe her anything.

Edward didn't do anything wrong, he saved her life.

Usually, you owe someone an explanation if you did something wrong to someone else.

If you save someone's life, you don't.

Let's say that I punched someone in the face for no reason, I owe them an explanation.

But if I saved someone from being hit by an oncoming train, I would not.

Bella whines that he "promised." Edward is pissed off and tells her to quit bothering him.

Since Bella is right, she wants to know "the truth" and "why I'm lying for you."

Edward demands that she tells him what she thinks has happened. Bella blurts out this:

"All I know is that you weren't anywhere near me —Tyler didn't see you, either, so don't tell me I hit my head too hard. That van was going to crush us both — and it didn't, and your hands left dents in the side of it — and you left a dent in the other car, and you're not hurt at all — and the van should have smashed my legs, but you were holding it up…"

This is EXACTLY the type of babbling that a concussion victim would be spewing.

But since Bella is the Author Sue, she is 100% correct.

And previously, Bella claimed that Edward stopped the car with his shoulder.

NOW she is saying that Edward used his hands.

'Ello continuity error!

Edward gives her a look like "bitch be crazy" and this angers Bella.

"You think I lifted a van off you?" His tone questioned my sanity, but it only made me more suspicious. It was like a perfectly delivered line by a skilled actor.

If this was a line perfectly delivered by a talented actor, it would be hard to determine if it was the truth.

Bella is obviously fishing for evidence that people are lying to her.

Because if no one believes her crazy story, then they MUST be liars!

"Nobody will believe that, you know." His voice held an edge of derision now.

Smooth move. You totally didn't blow your cover.

"I'm not going to tell anybody." I said each word slowly, carefully controlling my anger.

Minus the people, she has already told.

Bella keeps harassing Edward for the truth because she claims that she doesn't "like to lie."

Bella also tells him that she isn't going to "let it go."

This isn't shocking since Bella is obsessed with Edward. They glare at each other for a bit and Bella is the first person to speak.

I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.

We get, S. Meyer.

Edward Cullen is the most handsome guy in the universe.

Stop reminding us every five seconds.

BTW: a destroying angel is a deadly white mushroom.

"Why did you even bother?" I asked frigidly. He paused, and for a brief moment his stunning face was unexpectedly vulnerable. "I don't know," he whispered.

Because nothing says tru luv when the designated love interest doesn't know why he saved the "heroine" in the first place.

Edward walks away and Bella storms off in a huff.

The waiting room was more unpleasant than I'd feared. It seemed like every face I knew in Forks was there, staring at me.

"It's so icky that the filthy peasants are staring at me. Guards, send them away!"

Charlie rushes over to Bella and asks if she is okay.

"There's nothing wrong with me," I assured him sullenly. I was still aggravated, not in the mood for chitchat.

Bella NEVER wants to chat with the filthy peasants.

She will only be a chatty Cathy with the sparklepires.

And fuck you Bella!

Bella tells Dad that the doctor says that she is fine and that she can go home.

Charlie and Bella start walking towards the hospital doors.

She annoyed that Mike, Jessica, and Eric are there and complains that they began "to converge on us."

Bella reluctantly waves at her friends and she is relieved to be inside the cruiser.

Charlie drives in silence and for some reason doesn't put the stereo on.

And Bella is so obsessed about Edward that she "barely knew that Charlie was there."

I was positive that Edward's defensive behavior in the hall was a confirmation of the bizarre things I still could hardly believe I'd witnessed.

It couldn't possibly be that Bella hallucinated everything after hitting her head!

No! The Sue is always right!

They arrive at the house and Charlie says something.

"Um… you'll need to call Renée." He hung his head, guilty.

I was appalled. "You told Mom!"

"Sorry."

I slammed the cruiser's door a little harder than necessary on my way out.

How dreadful!

Bella was almost killed and Charlie dared to tell her mother!

The insolence!

Even though it would be disrespectful and rude for Charlie not to tell his ex-wife.

And for a character who is supposedly wise beyond her years, she loves throwing temper tantrums.

My mom was in hysterics, of course. I had to tell her I felt fine at least thirty times before she would calm down.

Bella's mom "begged" her to come home. But Bella has no intentions of leaving Forks.

I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented. And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself.

Bella thinks about Edward 24/7 and called him "mean" when he didn't pay attention to her.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I wasn't as eager to escape Forks as I should be, as any normal, sane person would be.

Bella, you are abby normal and insane. Get that through your thick skull.

Bella decides to go to bed early. She complains that Charlie kept an eye on her and how it is "getting on my nerves."

Then she takes some Tylenol and goes to bed.

That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen.

She has been obsessing about Edward since day 1.

And I bet Bella has doodled "B + E", "Mrs. Bella Cullen", "Bella Cullen", "I heart Eddy", "Bedward" and "Bella + Edward = tru luv" all over her notebooks.

#bad fiction #snark #chapter snark #anti twilight #anti bella swan #anti stephenie meyer #Anti Twilight Saga #book snark

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kenrik · 7 years

Text

I ship Jonsa

I SHIP IT SO HARD. *in the universe HBO created, not the books*

And guess who I ship with Dany? ...THE IMP. TYRION LANNISTER.

Y? Because I live in my own world I guess.

SPOILERS ALERT Will be ranting about Jonsa, Jonerys, Danyrion, and the crapfest that is S7. *because my friends don’t get me and I need an outlet for my feels.*

*with regard to timeline um, don’t equate an episode for a day..... remember, a travel from King’s Landing to the North is a month. That’s why when Cersei went up to Winterfell in S1, she was so bitchy. HAHA*

1. Jonsa I think Sansa's character development and her current character makes the most sense. Out of everyone left from the Starks - she's the last true remaining Stark.

From the start of the series, she was the worst Stark ever. But, I have to say, the way HBO played with the characters, Sansa's development was the best. Arya morphed into a faceless man who should never have any more personal inclinations. Bran turned into the distanced and removed Three-Eyed Raven. And Jon, a man of the night's watch.

Sansa, granted everyone went through shit as well, really really changed for the better. She's become cunning, smarter. She knows her cards and how to deal it. She has a firmer grasp on her enemies and an greater understanding of her father's words - a more profound loyalty to being a Stark. I believe Sansa to be a capable and great ruler if given the opportunity.

<S7 rant> (This is where I find it petty, how HBO is handling things. Sibling rivalry against Arya and Sansa planted by Baelish? I find it so stupid and petty for the developments of these characters. I find the reunions in s7 to be loads of crap. Worst of all, an incredibly written character like Baelish, Tyrion - don't you find it odd that they have terrible dialogues now; that they're characters/motives seem off? This season makes it feel like all the characters have become one-dimensional, as if they've lost their depth. You have to admit - Tyrion from the earlier seasons is not the same Tyrion we're forced with now. This is why I say HBO has done some poor writing.) <S7 rant>

Sansa is fierce, strong, so far altered from the snotty, selfish girl she was when Ned first brought her to the capital. When she reunites with Jon, he - EVERYONE - saw this. *internally screaming*

For the longest time, Sansa has had no one to fully depend on. Her whole life, she had been treated as a beautiful princess only to have her childhood stolen from her by monsters. That the moment she sees Jon, the first family she's seen for ages, a great great incredible burden drops. To Sansa, this man would be the closest to the life she's once lived and so immaturely cast aside. Out of everything she's been through, it is only her family she'll be able to love, to give her heart to freely. Jon is her family and she is able to give her broken heart to him. (I say this because after all she's been through, she knows better than to believe in the fantasy called love. As she learned from Cersei, it is nothing in marriage. or sth idk. If anything, Sansa is ready to just hand herself to a marriage that she would need - out of necessity never for love. Her character doubts her falling in love is even possible.) (So even if I'm shipping Jonsa, I'm not saying Sansa is in love with Jon like a school girl. Sansa flatly loves Jon because he is family, the last person from her past who returned to her. Arya and Bran are no longer themselves. Jon, however, only developed and became a great leader, but he is still the same kind-hearted, courageous young man he was.)

Now, Jon.

First off, Jon doesn't understand love, attraction, whatever when he first met Ygritte. When he met her, he got it all in full. Especially the heartbreak. (I don't really ship them but I get it.)

This Jon we're meeting is the post-Ygritte Jon. In terms of love, I think he's satisfied, that he believes Ygritte is his one and only.

(Which is why - I, infinitely don't understand, HBO's spin. I definitely can tell it'll be Jonaerys. Because, popularly, it makes - well, popularly... I can't even form a sentence. Jonaerys cannot be because Dany is the sort who has a reverse-harem. She can't help it, everyone will and WILL fall in love with her. And Jon's no exception. But the question is - will Jon really love-love her? Attraction is different from love. The attraction Dany invites is devotion. Jon is not one who will leave the North to rule in the South or sth like this.)

So, you have a Ygritte still devoted Jon. Ygritte has red hair. Sansa... has red... hair. (LOL at the surface-level parallels). BUT, other than this, the Sansa Jon meets when he first arrives at Winterfell is not the kid he saw as the snobbish, narcissistic girl he's related to but the beaten, less-radiant woman who has a hand in politics and in war, who's been passed from man to man.

And he acknowledges this strength in her when he leaves Winterfell in her hands. The tenderness, the trust between them, something they both have never felt in a long time - is just indescribable. You also have the great scene when Sansa and Jon argue over how to handle Ramsey. Here, the great Jon Snow (the same person Ser Davos goes on and on about when introducing him to Dany - which is another crap filler thing) is given a beating, a wake-up call he so needed. (He got a number of those from Ygritte.)

I don't know but Jonsa makes my heart warm. It just makes sense to me. (If things were written as I get understand them. LOL.) Also, those many scenes in s6 were just too ship-able!

2. Jonerys I don't get. I get it - from a, sth pov. But, based on my understanding of the characters - no, I just don't get it. I don't understand where this love will come from.

These two are basically strangers.

Dany who fell in love with Drogo, fell in love with him after a buttload of time and effort (sacrifice). This was just beautiful. GOD SO BEAUTIFUL. How you could tell they loved each other so much just by looking at each other is beyond me! (you just could!)

Dany who 'fell in love' with the Secondsons guy, was never really in love with him. He was more like a good side dish, which said guy already admitted he didn't mind.

Dany, amid having the sweet, tender face of Emilia Clarke, ain't looking for a strong man to hold her at night in that way that's forever and love-love. (BUT DAMN. In holding onto Jon, as if she needs a security blanket EP 6 - JUST MAKES NO SENSE TO ME. Surrounded by loyal subjects (friends) who crossed the Narrow Sea with her - and yet she clings on to Jon, a stranger - I really don't get it.) (I mean, don't dare tell me it's the power of love - love is just a word. There is always a reason - A REASON - why you're attracted to another.) (You know, KenRik, love is love. You just fall in love sometimes with no explanation.)

NO.

HAHA.

Just, no.

It could be as deep as - we've gone through incredible shit together. Or as shallow as - I like his abs. There will always be a reason. And, granted the scenes we've had of Jonaerys - I refuse to believe it's because of some shallow reason. For the deeper ones, Dany has no reason to fall in love with Jon.

Jon, I totally understand falling for Dany in a shallow way. Because, Dany is incredible. It's impossible not to fall in love with her. Amid this, I will never want him to end up with Dany because that would be a love based on devotion. And Dany, she can never own Jon. Jon has a life to lead, people to rule, a realm to keep safe. Beside her, he's character will be diluted. Or Dany's. Someone's character will suffer.

Besides, politically - it would make more sense to have them rule separately.

Finally, I think I am not sold on Jonaerys - never will - because of the fact that these two have had great loves. Why would they be written into a relationship that is subpar, that is not incredible, that is forseeable and calculated? It's far too cliche and overused. It shatters the strong image of Dany. It shatters the independence of Jon.

Jon - who's had to build what he has now. Dany - who's made a name for herself.

With Jon - she'll be casted as inferior amid being queen because Jon is well - a man and that's just how it goes. (or vice-versa: With Dany, Jon'll be casted as inferior amid being ruler of the north because Dany is a queen with dragons)

I just see nothing but settling in this pair. :/

I was blindsided by this too.

3. Danyrion Tyrion - you just love that imp. You. Just. Do.

Sadly, no one in his universe does other than Jamie.

<S7 rant> (His character in S7 makes no sense to me. Poor writing I say! I don't understand his motivations. His movements. They are giving us shit zero about our beloved imp. And I bet Peter is not happy with this as well. So far, he is shown as sullen and a poor tactitian. Which - should - not - be - the - case - unless - they - show - us - why.)

I get that he's still sad after all that's happened. And now, he's fighting against his family. BUT DAMN. S6 Tyrion and S7 Tyrion is so different!!

And don't tell me Cersei's people are just that good. :/ They are so not. Well, not supposably.

And, god, how many times do they have to call on Dany to save everyone's asses. Do they all suck that much? Man, do I pity Dany.<s7 rant>

When Dany and Tyrion first meet, Dany is amused by Tyrion's dark humor and cunning mind. His speech, he's just really incredible. (Well, until his character was destroyed.) Tyrion, as does everyone, (and one of the reasons why I think it's just hilarious) falls in love with Dany but doesn't know it.

He's devoted to her, chose to serve her as his queen. But, I think he could very well fall in love with her. I think he has fallen in love with her but he just doesn't know it. He doesn't trust himself on the topic. He closed his heart after all the horrid failures. But when he does wake up from his complex, he'll find that he's in love with Dany - this beast of a woman who will never fall in love with him, who he doesn't deserve (as all women), who will barely spare him a moment's glance. (after all the failures he brought to her doorstep.)

Remember how I said that the love Dany inspires is devotion - Tyrion is very able to do this. Under this pair, he'll return to King's Landing as a rightful ruler - the same he was supposed to be for countless times.

<s7 rant> MY GREAT QUESTION with Tyrion's constant failures, with his questionable dialogue and judgment - is WHERE IS ALL THIS COMING FROM? Because the fight is too much for him to handle? Because he's still depressed? Because he's fighting against his family?

WELL. UM. He's been that way all his life????

BUT prior to S7. (SERIOUSLY, JUST S7) - He's managed somehow. He wasn't pitiful. I mean - just seeing him onscreen is painful to watch. The way Dany treats him - with zero trust/respect. WHAT THE FUCK. WHERE IS OUR TYRION WHO GAVE US THAT EPIC/A MILLION EPIC SPEECHES?

SEE WHY I KEEP SAYING IT'S BAD WRITING? Because - all this are fine - if written properly. But instead we are shoved with stupid fucking FUCKING FILLERS that do nothing NOTHING for us. Why did we have to see Missandei and Grey Worm's sex scene??? WHEN HAHAHA FUCK they are not characters we care for. They are not integral to the movement of the storyline. GOD WHY. WHY DID WE GET A MILLION MINUTES OF “BEND THE KNEE” BEND THE KNEE. GOD I’LL FUCKING BREAK YOUR KNEE.

Why did we have episode 5??? WHY.

Why did the Stark's reunions (Arya and Bran's) SUCK SO BAD. I MEAN. FOR SO LONG SO SO SO LONG. They've been separated. But - we get this reunion. So so so so so so so so unnecessary and anticlimatic. Um, I declare them fillers. So many scenes of unnecessary-ness. GOD I CAN'T EVEN. And Arya and Sansa's possible feud - WTF. I mean, I thought Sansa knew how Baelish worked? DAMMIT. I don't get anything AT ALL.

ALSO THAT STUPID SUICIDE MISSION IS JUST SO STUPID. I CANNOT EVEN. I bet George just said - oh, find a way for the white walkers to get a dragon ^^, - and the writers were like: OK...

GOD.

I should make another post just to rant about S7. WHAT THE FUCK WAS ALL THE HYPE FOR DAMN- IT. <s7 rant>

Anyway, I digress.

Tyrion falling in love with Dany, is so funny for me because yet again, he'll believe it to be another dead end. Another fruitless thing. But this small man is a man who LOVES. He's never been loved. BUT DAMN DOES HE HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE. (My, reminds me of my other ship :o)

Dany, (Which is why I want Tyrion written better :() it's so cute so different so awesome if she were to fall in love with a (stronger, smarter, better-written Tyrion). I mean, he's a total contrast to the men she's used to. HAHA. Both his physique and mind. Dany is the type of woman who'll have men in and out of her life. But I see Tyrion as a possible exchange for Jorah. I can see Dany and Tyrion's relationship developing over a long time of friendship, building intimacy and dependence/trust/respect/ and LOVE.

Tyrion's greatest flaw is accepting every little love bestowed upon him as if it means the world. With Dany, he will expect nothing and be satisfied with making her rule a successful one.

<s7 rant> Honestly, before s7, I thought Tyrion would be Dany's greatest asset, greatest adviser. I knew there would be troubles, but they wouldn't come because of poor strategy. I knew there would be internal arguments, but they would come because of questionable character writing. I thought these characters were fully developed (or closed to it) by the time they reach the great war. But, why do their characters make no sense? Why are they all written so poorly? Like a fantasy movie worse than a parody?

I ship Tyrion and Dany but I cannot expound by way of S7.

I can't actually explain anything s7 related.

I just don't get s7.

I think it's all bullshit.

You know it’s bullshit when Dany gives zero fucks that she lost a child and all fucks towards Jon Snow. EPISODE 6 WTF???? Seriously - WHAT WAS THAT EVEN. <s7 rant>

To reiterate, I do not care what ship becomes canon. I JUST WANT THEM TO MAKE GOT HIGH CHARACTER STANDARDS LEVEL. All we’re getting is crap now. And if you don’t mind - well, lucky you. I got into GOT because of the engaging characters. You’ve seen so many shows with throne-stealing, incest, sex, dragons - but never one this good. Oh well, I guess it’ll be just the books for me.

#jonsa #anti jonerys #danyrion #got #game of thrones #season #seven #7 #jon x sansa #jon #snow #sansa #stark #tyrion #lannister #daenerys #stormborn #targaryen #rant #daenerys x tyrion #got feels

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ais-n · 7 years

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Posting this on tumblr/twitter just because it amuses me. I thought it would be funny to write a fake newspaper article as an extra for Incarnations, and then put it for free/open to the public over on Patreon. I haven’t finished it so I’ll post it later when it’s ready (hopefully in a few hours).

It super amuses me to write this because the whole article is basically a hit piece on one of the main characters of Incarnations, this guy named Besin who’s the Head Librarian of the Main Branch Library of the main city, Irridian.

When you think about things to write a bitchy article about, some unassuming dude who gets lost in his own mind and is this super dorky scholar and librarian, is probably not the top pick. But I had this whole backstory already written for him with this dramatic academic rivalry between him and the Head Librarian of the Main Branch of the next largest city (Degrena), a city which has always felt itself in the shadow of Irridian-- and it seemed a shame to never get a chance to get into the sheer pettiness of that one-sided fight or the ridiculousness of people bitching about such stupid, small topics.

So I was like, “HELL YEAH! I have two journalists who are named in the book! I am totally writing a hit piece in the name of one!”

lololololololol I amuse myself in the stupidest ways XD

#incarnations #dont mind me #just having fun #being an idiot #XD

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tompatel95 · 5 years

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The Queen of Blood by Sarah Beth Durst Review

The Queen of Blood is not your typical YA fantasy. Durst manages to conform to the genre’s conventions whilst subverting them, which is no mean feat. I read the book whilst on holiday – it was a fun, enjoyable read.

An idealistic young student and a banished warrior become allies in a battle to save their realm in this first book of a mesmerising epic fantasy series, filled with political intrigue, violent magic, malevolent spirits, and thrilling adventure

Everything has a spirit: the willow tree with leaves that kiss the pond, the stream that feeds the river, the wind that exhales fresh snow . . .

But the spirits that reside within this land want to rid it of all humans. One woman stands between these malevolent spirits and the end of humankind: the queen. She alone has the magical power to prevent the spirits from destroying every man, woman, and child. But queens are still just human, and no matter how strong or good, the threat of danger always looms.

With the position so precarious, young women are chosen to train as heirs. Daleina, a seemingly quiet academy student, is under no illusions as to her claim to the throne, but simply wants to right the wrongs that have befallen the land. Ven, a disgraced champion, has spent his exile secretly fighting against the growing number of spirit attacks. Joining forces, these daring partners embark on a treacherous quest to find the source of the spirits’ restlessness—a journey that will test their courage and trust and force them to stand against both enemies and friends to save their land . . . before it’s bathed in blood.

One of the most surprising aspects of the novel is its protagonist, Daleina. Unlike many of her literary counterparts, Daleina is not powerful. She struggles to control the spirits and only succeeds through sheer hard work and will power. Here’s the thing; I love powerful women, from Galadriel to Daenerys. So upon realising Daleina’s limitations, I was sceptical on whether I would enjoy her character.

However, I was surprised by how much I loved her struggles. She has a dream which everyone tells her is impossible – she’s simply not strong enough. The worst thing is, Daleina knows they’re right. I related to this strongly because I myself love singing but lack the perfect pitch for it to be anything else but a hobby. I felt seen through Daleina’s character.

Another lovely titbit of her character is how supportive she is. At the Academy, there is no female rivalry, none of the usual bitchiness that usually accompanies these types of stories. Even though her fellow students are all vying for the queenship, they all support and lift each other up, a refreshing and welcome development.

The world-building is expertly done too. The settlements all live in giant trees, connected via walkways and zip lines. So, although the technology is your typical medieval trope, everything feels unique and new.

Are there any downsides? Well . . . yes. The political intrigue could do with some polishing – sometimes schemes are too easily found out and rectified. And, although Daleina’s limitations are a welcome innovation, Durst does go on about it a bit too much. Also, the reason behind the spirits’ hatred of humanity needs fleshing out and the possibility of being resolved – at the moment it feels paper-thin.

To conclude, read the book!

#book #fantasy #review

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zoeekar · 7 years

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Little Witch Academia (TV) 2017

It has officially been a week since the Little Witch Academia finale and having finally had time to watch the whole series over, I have one thing to say. It’s beautiful. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like some of the plot or the characters or whatever, you can’t deny that it’s visually stunning. The animation flow and direction are absolutely amazing and that, combined with the beautiful music and superb voice acting make for a show definitely worth watching.

HUGE SPOILERY REVIEW UNDER THE CUT (obviously)

The anime features an all-female cast (with the exception of homeboi Andrew™) which, in my opinion, is another one of its high points as this gives it the opportunity to deal with other, much more interesting subjects, and not only with girls swooning over boys all the time which, to be honest, would take away so much of its magic.

Speaking of magic, there is an abundance of it in the show as it is the main point of the entire anime. It follows Atsuko “Akko” Kagari, a girl from an ordinary, non-magical family and her journey to fulfill her dream and become a witch just like her idol, Shiny Chariot whose show she watched when she was a little girl. In order to fulfill said dream, she begins attending Luna Nova, a prestigious academy for witches, the same one Shiny Chariot once attended. Of course, things will not be too easy for her.

I’ll be the first to admit that I was just a bit skeptical about it during the first few episodes. It felt like it lacked some of the charm the two OVA’s had and was just a little bit too childish at times. The fact that I found Akko extremely annoying, stupid and one-dimensional didn’t do much to help either.

EPISODES During the first half, episodes 1-13, and especially during the first… 6 or so episodes, I found the whole plot to be a tad oversimplified and, again, childish for lack of a better word. I had yet to warm up to Akko as a character, to the point I was actually tempted to skip some of her scenes, something that didn’t change until the second half of, well, the second half. The overall pacing of the first half felt a little off, with filler episodes shoe-horned in, something that made the second half feel more rushed than I hoped it would be.

The second half, episodes 14-25, is where the show starts to pick up, and it does so wonderfully. The action that was mostly lacking up until episode 13 is there more and more and the plot starts getting heavier and heavier, leaving behind the filler episodes that were the majority of the first half. The main objective of the show never changes, it’s still all about Akko trying to be the new Shiny Chariot, but, in contrast to the first half, we can see Akko growing as a character, recognizing her mistakes and flaws and kinda trying to be a better person.

Overall, it may start out a little bit weak, but it gets better and better as the episodes go by and it’s definitely worth sitting through all the fillers as they too provide some very nice narratives and humorous content, which is honestly much needed as, starting from episode 19 (one of my personal favourites), the show really starts hitting you in the feels more and more. There is also just a little bit of romance between Akko and homeboi Andrew™, for those of you who like that sort of thing, but it’s not that prominent. Not that I’m complaining as I was never too big on the AkkoxAndrew (Anko?) front. If you’re like me, however, you will also be able to find traces or romance between Akko and Diana as well, the dianakko front being my favorite one (along with the charoix one).

CHARACTERS Much like the OVA’s, the main character of the anime is Atsuko Kagari, you can just call her Akko, a human with big big dreams. Her personality isn’t very different when you compare the OVA’s to the TV version of her. She’s passionate, hot-headed, stubborn, pretty naive, kinda annoying, and quite a bit stupid. Not that she’s not smart IQ-wise, she’s just not too smart in the decisions she usually makes. She wants to be the new Shiny Chariot so bad that she is pretty much blind to everything else. And that doesn’t change until the very end of the anime, the last few episodes is where she actually realizes that she can’t be Shiny Chariot, not for lack of trying, but because she is her own person. Her and Chariot are two different people who share a common dream. To make people laugh and believe in magic and that’s all. She can’t be Shiny Chariot because there is and ever will be only one Shiny Chariot. Just like there’s only one Akko Kagari. As soon as Akko realizes that, she also realizes just how truly powerful she is. That’s when she goes from being annoying and one-dimensional to being an actually fleshed-out and well-rounded character. This development doesn’t happen till the last few episodes of the second half, but it’s really worth it if you can put up with her till then.

By Akko’s side during her journey to become Shiny Chariot are always her two best friends and roommates, Lotte Yansson and Sucy Manbavaran. They’re both main characters in the two OVA’s as well as the TV series, making their first appearance in the very first episode, but, to me, they lack character development. They are very interesting characters with a lot of potential, that, unfortunately, goes mostly unexplored. They are there every step of the way, helping Akko, making sure she’s not in too much over her head, but, by the end of the series, it doesn’t feel like we know more about them than what we knew in the beginning. They both have one or two filler episodes dedicated to them that provide us with a bit more information, but that little development is lost in the sea of the 25 episodes, which is honestly quite sad.

Now, my personal favorite (as some of you may know already) is best girl Diana Cavendish™. I find her to be the most interesting and well-rounded character of the entire anime, starting off as a sort of antagonist (in Akko’s eyes at least), and ending up being one of Akko’s closest friends, and also the one who helps Akko defeat the “final boss” and finally restore magic. In contrast to her character’s portrayal in the two OVA’s, where she appeared to be snobby, bitchy, and kind of a bully towards Akko and co, in the TV version, she is much different. While still being the top student of Luna Nova, admired by teachers and students alike, still followed around by her two friends and roommates, Hannah and Barbara (who are the ones doing all the bullying and being mean), and still being cold and distant most of the time, her words still harsh when it comes to dealing with Akko, she’s never once mean towards her or gets mad at her, even when she has every right to be. There are plenty of examples in the show where she chose to be the bigger person while Akko was more petty. It becomes clear as the episodes go by that her and Akko share more similarities than either of them thought they did, and it’s their common love and admiration for Chariot that will eventually bring them closer. That, along with Akko’s realization that Diana isn’t a bad person at all and that she too, much like Akko, has a dream that’s very important to her and who she is as a person. Even though Diana isn’t featured in every episode, she is still probably the second most important character, only behind Akko herself. Be sure to look around for an extra review of only Diana’s character as I will most likely do one of those since I have much more to say about her than this.

Next we have the green team, consisted of Amanda O’Neill, Jasminka Antonenko, and Constanze whose full name I’m not even going to try and type. They make their very first appearance in the second OVA and are recurring characters in the TV show, often helping Akko out with her quest. Not much about them is known since they too lack significant character development, something that prevents us from really getting to know them. Amanda is tough and tomboyish, often in rivalry with Diana, and she loves flying on her broom, Jasminka likes to eat a lot and Constanze is very into technology, and can usually be found building something, infusing it with magic. Her abilities come in handy a few times both in the second OVA and the TV series as she’s one of the two characters with extensive knowledge in magic infused technology, which is both the cause of the final conflict and part of the solution.

The second best girl of the show and another favorite character of mine is professor Ursula Callistis. She’s the youngest faculty member of Luna Nova, which usually gives her the short end of the stick, and also Akko’s mentor since day one. It’s made perfectly clear (to us) from the very beginning, both in the first OVA and the TV series, that Ursula sensei is, in fact, Shiny Chariot (or Chariot du Nord) in disguise. Not-so-subtle hints are dropped all throughout the series, until the big reveal in episode 22, in a gorgeous scene that had me tearing up because my fragile heart can’t take sad music and flashbacks all in one go. Up until the final episodes, it is unclear why Chariot would give up her dream and adopt a different persona and lifestyle, so far away from what she actually wanted to do, which was to perform and make people happy with her magic. The reason why is revealed towards the end and it does a great job at making us feel guilty for liking her so much. I don’t know if any of you actually stopped liking her after the reveal, but I couldn’t do that. The fact that they made it clear that she didn’t do anything on purpose, and that she ran away and hid because of how guilty she was feeling made it easier for me to keep loving her till the very end.

The main antagonist, who isn’t revealed until the first episode of the second half (episode 14), is (instant ramen noodle eating monster) Croix Meridies or Croix sensei. She makes her first appearance as a new teacher in Luna Nova who is there to teach the girls more about technology as she believes that that is the future of magic, as opposed to traditional magic. She is immediately liked by Akko who finds her “super cool”, but it’s made clear that she’s definitely not as good as she seems. In the end of episode 14, it’s revealed that her and Ursula sensei know each other, and it’s also pretty clear that they are not in the best of terms. Croix makes sure to get close to Akko by helping her out and giving her more information about Chariot since the two were classmates. Akko, being her naive and reckless self, immediately does whatever Croix tells her to, as she believes that it’s for her own good and that it’ll bring her one step closer to both meeting Chariot, and also becoming just like her. As a result, she finds herself in danger more than once, always being rescued in the end by Ursula sensei. As the episodes go by, it’s all the more clear that not only did Croix and Chariot know each other, but they once were best friends. That changed over the years, the beginning of their downfall being the day Chariot was chosen to be the one to restore magic instead of Croix, something that obviously made the latter feel very bitter and unappreciated. It is also shown that they used to work together during Chariot’s shows and that it was Croix’ idea for Chariot to use the dreams and hopes of non-magical children to gain more power. Another thing that’s made kind of clear is that at least Croix had feelings for Chariot that went beyond those of friendship. Nothing is outright stated, but it is quite obvious the more we’re shown about their past. When Croix’ master plan to exploit negative human emotions and gain more power for herself is made clear, it’s Chariot the first one who tries to stop her. She’s eventually defeated with the help of Akko and co (see all the characters above) and ends up helping them stop the “final boss” (that she created) by building a seven-person, technologically advanced, flying broom alongside the rest of the main characters.

Lastly, we have homeboi Andrew Hanbridge™. Not a lot of character development happens here as well, but it is obvious that he changes as the episodes go by. Starting off as someone who is against witches and anything magical, he soon learns to accept and even respect witches and what they stand for. He’s first introduced in the middle of the first half of the series, specifically episode 6, and is shown to be someone who most girls find extremely attractive as he has both good looks and a lot of money. He appears to be a well-educated, well-mannered young man, often distant and indifferent, traits that he shares with Diana who he knew while growing up. By the end of the series, he is shown to have developed his own ideas and views concerning magic, disregarding those of his father which he had been somewhat blindly following all his life.

FURTHER ANALYSIS On a technical aspect, I found Little Witch Academia to be absolutely flawless. Everyone from the animators to the voice actors did an amazing job at bringing this world to life. The character designs are beautiful, and I can’t even begin to tell you how refreshing I found it that there weren’t any oversexualized characters and/or shots. As far as the OP and ED songs are concerned, they are great, and I loved the sequences too, especially the OP sequence of the second half. Music, in general, was expertly used throughout the anime and was usually combined with beautiful animation and voice acting, making every scene unique and touching in its own way. Some prime examples of this are the scenes between Akko and Ursula sensei in episode 21, and also the big reveal in episode 22, and the scene between Akko and Diana in episode 23 (you all know what I’m talking about).

FINALE I found the finale as a whole to be pretty damn good. That said, it did feel a little bit rushed to me, almost as if they were in a hurry to finish it. The animation was beautiful as ever, as was the voice acting, but it was the first and only time I had a slight problem with the choice of music. Yes, the first OP was a cute choice, but it didn’t feel too appropriate for the final battle. I guess I just wanted something a bit more dramatic, something a little heavier. Just like I would prefer some more angst during the episode that would lead to the final, epically gorgeous (and gay) Akko and Diana scene. I expected a happy ending cause that’s how the entire anime was set up, no big battles, no overly angsty scenes, no signs of blood and gore… It was obvious that is would have a milder, happy ending. I’m definitely okay that they didn’t kill anyone off, especially since there was talk about either Chariot or Croix dying, something that I felt was quite possible too, I just missed the drama, the angst, the will they/won’t they. Other than that, I’m pretty happy with the way they decided to end the anime, and I can only hope that they will bring it back for a new season, cause god knows it deserves it.

Favorite Character(s): Diana Cavendish, Ursula Callistis/Shiny Chariot, Croix Meridies Favourite Episode(s): 3, 13, 14, 15 (that Chariot scene thooo), 17 (Amanda. In. A. Suit.), 19-25 (duh) Overall Rating: 8-9/10

If you read all this and you’re still here, thank you! I’d love to hear what you have to say about the anime, what you liked, what you didn’t like, what you’d change, what are your thoughts on a second season… I’m always here to listen and talk about LWA, so… Let’s talk about it!

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