#there was a post i saw like last week about time cycles in video games and how you get complacent with violence and tragedy because it isn’

[pierog]

SORRY THAT LAST ASK WAS EVIL here's a nice one what are some of your favourite memories from this year!!

LOL thank you

this got long so here's a read more

-goes w/out saying but spending 5 months travelling and cycling around europe was so cool. my fav bit was a month in italy -- particularly a workaway involving staying in a beautiful umbrian farmstead with a gaggle of gay men, so much cooking and cocktails and basking beneath the wisteria, walks thru medieval hilltop villages surrounded by golden meadows.. travelling solo is nice but i'm very much an extrovert and i felt so touched by the love and friendship i experienced here. i still talk to my boys most days. -i visited one of my best mates in cyprus and it was so fun i accidentally stayed for a whole month. loads of nature hikes, festivals, gigs, exploring abandoned cities, snorkelling in oceans so deep and blue and ancient. -later we flew to england to do brighton pride (hooked up with a lovely irish lass 😳) & visit some more expat uni pals. we went on a road trip afterwards in devon/cornwall and it was so beautiful but again the company was the main thing; i spend the whole time laughing til it hurt

-actually that reminds me of a random cute "small world" moment. on the bus from venice to rome, i saw a girl next to me reading the same book. we got chatting and it turned out she was going to brighton pride as well. we decided to meet up there, but everyone's phone service was jammed and we couldn't find each other!! so i gave up. a couple days later, i was boarding the train to london when i heard... "ASIA!!???" and it was her!!!!!!

-i cut my intercontinental cycle trip short cos i got into the final selection for an antarctica job and needed to be in the uk for the interview. as such i explored the scottish isles. my fav part was staying at a victorian manor in inverness owned by a witch who looked like stevie nicks and was hosting the scottish opera for the week. they invited me for wine and ghost stories by the fireplace and ending up giving me a ticket to the opera which was sooo silly but sweet!! so i saw carmen for free and gifted them some nice tesco roses and wine in return -i lost my phone in corfu but i couldnt be mad cos it was so fun. i went to a BEAUTIFUL grotto to snorkel which ended up being like a mamma mia beach bar. i was drinking a pina colada the size of my head when two aussie girls came over and said "do you mind if we smoke here" and i said "no go ahead" envisioning a cigarette but it ended up being an ENORMOUS doobie. they shared it with me and all the other girlies, we got crossfaded and went swimming, and i dropped my phone when trying to sensibly cross a road (it got handed into the consulate but shipping is so expensive so i'm working on that!)

-as such i've spent most of this year without a functioning phone & it's been grand. just so much more present and alive, got really into foraging, birdwatching, beachcombing, swimming in the ocean every day in the summer..

-coming back home was actually more tender than anything though. everyone goes on about post-travel blues but i've so enjoyed slipping back into mundanity; floor time with my best friend (you), parties, concerts, weekly life drawing and art club, finally feeling at home in this city. i got to illustrate a novel, animate a tv show opening, get my first poem published in a journal, work on a video game, and also win an nz game award for mine! i'm so grateful for my girlfriend and family and friends and lovely flat on the seaside. also i quit my shitty job for reals and am studying animal management next year so YAY

[femalefail]

I can't sleep.

I keep thinking about my body. I want to tell its story and even if you will not open your mind or sacrifice your time to it, I need to get it out so I can rest.

TW: sh, ed, sa, su!c!de, gender dysphoria, hospitalization

When I was first given this body, I couldn't have imagined the trauma that would come along with (presumably) having XX chromosomes. I was an innocent child in my mother's arms. An early Christmas gift from the deity in Heaven my mother so often cried out to for hope. I couldn't have known that I was fated to experience a chain of events that some might say resembled body horror.

When I was a small child, I was fascinated with life. I loved to watch plants grow and seasons change. I wanted to know what made life take such forms as bugs and fish and ferocious beasts and humanity. I loved to learn about the same forces who created me. I couldn't have known that these were the same forces that would destroy me.

When I was 11, I would stand naked in front of the mirror and sob. I would run my hands over myself, hoping that I could tug and pull my tiny curves back into straight lines. When I couldn't, I would scratch my hips with thumbtacks and broken razors. I couldn't have fought the urge to hurt myself.

When I was 12, I was a quiet girl, but there was turmoil brewing inside me. I wouldn't give in to nature's curse. I ate as little as I could to show the forces that created me that I was in control of my body, not them. I would scroll through pro-ana Tumblr. I read posts from all over the internet about how other people struggled with their bodies and with their lives. I came across videos of people treating their gender dysphoria and I remember instinctually denying that I was like them. Yet I lingered on that content. I watched them experience the joy of outwardly becoming who they are inside and I would shed happy tears for them. I couldn't have known that I would feel that joy firsthand one day.

When I was 13, I found my first boyfriend. He was my age. He liked playing a game called 'firetruck.' I also figured out how to shave my legs. I still don't understand why I was expected to devote so many hours of my weeks to ridding myself of my excessive, thick body hair. I couldn't have chosen to leave it alone, because the last time I did, a boy called me Gorilla Girl. I couldn't have known that my efforts were literally in vain.

When I was 14, I started to get the hang of the 'period' thing. After years of bleeding through my favorite jeans and wrapping sweatshirts around my waist to hide the stains, I figured out how to blend in. I had it worked out despite having a cycle that, for most other girls, would land them in the doctor's office. The pain was immeasurable, but I was told that there were many other girls who felt the same pain. The doctors said my flow would be normal once I matured. I couldn't have known I'd been lied to.

When I was 15, life became a blur. My inner turmoil broke loose and my parents saw it. My mother, who saw me as a beacon of hope, learned that there was no hope for me. She brought me to doctors who tried every medication they could to help my psyche. Every medication helped sedate me for a short while and then I would spiral again. I would end up in the ER, wishing I wouldn't cling to my life. I wished I had some control over the forces that kept me alive and destroyed me. I wished I could destroy myself. I couldn't have known that this wouldn't be the end of me.

When I was 16, I felt I was already dead. All the memories and love for life that I had collected as a child were tainted by the fresh trauma of being in lockdown facilities. I was still on medication that didn't work. It only numbed me. It only allowed the inner turmoil to simmer undetected. The scars on my body grew in numbers. I couldn't have known that I would live to be an adult with those same scars.

When I was 17, I was trapped in a relationship with another boy. He would say he loved me and then call me a bitch an hour later. He would say he loved my body and then violate it on the same day. He said he would love me no matter what, but when I asked him if he would kindly stop calling me a woman, he laughed. I was with him for two painstaking years. I couldn't have known that the threats he always gave me when I tried to end the relationship were empty.

When I turned 18, I was freshly out of yet another psychiatric hospital. I cried a lot that day. I didn't want to be an adult. I never wanted to grow up in such a horrid way. I looked back at my teenage years and wondered what forces were really behind this. I wondered if maybe there was a deity and they hated me. I couldn't have known it would get worse.

After I turned 19, I told my parents I wasn't a girl. My mother said she already knew. She had stopped attending church due to the other members' hateful words towards the community she suspected her children belonged to, but she still often cries out to her deity whom she loves. My father didn't really understand, but that didn't stop me from going on HRT with the health insurance his job provides. He didn't seem to care to stop it either. My parents were desperate for anything that might make me their beacon of hope again. We couldn't have known that my curse would prevail even through male puberty.

I'm almost 20. My scars are healed and I refuse to make more. I have come to terms with the fact that I'm disabled. I've also accepted the fact that the many ways I hurt my body have stunted my growth. I'm still in the process of getting diagnosed, but I feel like I'm dying every day. I self-medicate at the beginning of every waking moment to numb the pain. My doctors say I should stop self-medicating and then run tests that tell us nothing about the specific horrors of my body. My joints hurt more and more as time goes on. Every single one of them. My muscles are always weak. Pelvic pains and bleeding persist even though I got an IUD inserted and my doctors told me that the intense dysphoria that plagued me monthly was a thing of the past. Now, instead of bleeding monthly, I bleed every day. Eating hurts. Walking hurts. Using the bathroom hurts, and on top of that, I have to use the women's bathroom when I'm in public and fear for my safety regardless. I don't sleep well. I don't think well. And I'm so exhausted. I don't know what to do. I know I will look back on this and think, "You couldn't have known." But it still feels so hopeless. For so many years all I wanted was to destroy myself and now that I'm falling apart, I don't want to be. I worry that HRT has worsened my symptoms but even if that were so, I would still be subjected to bodily horrors without it. I'm not sure there is a way to lift this curse.

I don't know what you, as the reader, are supposed to take away from this post. I just need to say something. I suppose if you are not a trans person, you could gain some sympathy from this post. If you wonder why puberty blockers work and are advocated for, here's an example of the trauma that puberty can instill in a child. I'm a walking example of it. I have the scars to prove it. If you are a trans person, I suppose you could take away from this that you are not alone. We all have stories and I say we should tell them, even if some people are not willing to hear. Even if they resemble body horror in some cursed way. I need to share my story before it eats me up inside.

Also, if you are a trans person, I want you to remember that in many instances, you couldn't have known what to do. I want you to continually remind yourself that you aren't to blame. I often wonder why this is my curse. I want to feel trans joy and I do, but I still hurt. I wonder what I did to deserve this. I wonder when this will be over. I guess I can't know that either.

The story of my body is with you, Tumblr. FF

[greenwood106-blog]

Memories Live On

December 7th is quite possibly the strangest day of the year for me. As you may have read in my previous posts, July 20th is right up there, but I think this one still holds the title.

I saw flags everywhere at half staff, remembering one of the darkest days in this country's history. The attack on Pearl Harbor was brutal, calculated, and so deadly, taking 2,390 American lives and tormenting countless others for years to come.

I worked in healthcare for over 30 years, 20 of those for a home healthcare agency. One of the many memorable moments in that time was when I filled in for a caregiver to help a gentleman do some shopping as he was blind. When I pulled up into his driveway, there's no way I could have been prepared for who I was about to meet.

This gentleman served in the military and was stationed in Pearl Harbor on December 7th, 1941. We discussed the events of that day while we did his shopping, and he told me about having to jump off the deck into the water and then having to swim through the dead bodies to shore. Hearing about this event from him was more informative than any book or video or movie I could have ever seen.

Like many of the surviving men that day, this guy was still in the service 3 years later when the door to his "U" boat slammed down and he charged toward the beaches at Normandy. I was simply in awe.

We finished shopping somehow, and when I was done helping him unload his groceries, he said he really appreciated the help. I chuckled and told him it paled next to his help, and headed out to try and wrap my mind around surviving both of those events.

While my Grandmother was still with us, she would occasionally joke that the Japanese weren't the only ones that dropped bombs that day. You see, my father was born on the same day.

He lived an eventful life for sure, fathering 5 sons, adopting a daughter, and impacting countless lives before he left us in July 2007. Countless memories, good and bad, flood my mind (as feeble as it can be), and like happens too often these days I laugh and cry in memory.

As a little kid, my memories are of World Series games in Oakland followed by the parades, of sitting on the sky cycle of Evel Knievel, and enjoying our "Reggie" candy bars while we wrote with our "Reggie" pens (don't ask me where they ended up). My love of baseball was born during this time and it's still raging today.

My father was a custom painter/pinstriper who did incredible work despite having his fingers chopped short by a tool press accident. He was the type of guy you would take high dollar customs to in order to finish them off just right. His work was in shows all over, and his love of the arts still lives in us.

Like so many people, my parents divorced when I was young. They both remarried, with my mom taking us and relocating to Phoenix in 1977. This meant that there would be summer trips where my brother and I would go and stay with our father and his new wife for a couple weeks. We had a blast, year after year.

As I became a teenager and then a young adult, my stupidity created a gap in our relationship. I blamed him for all my shortcomings and basically tuned him out. I visited for the last time in 1993. There would be random contacts after that, but I think the last was around 1999 or 2000.

I remember the call I got to tell me he had passed away. It was such a weird feeling, like an old friend you were close with in high school, but hadn't talked to since you graduated. I felt bad for my brothers and sister, but it wasn't until after I had gone to California to go to my brother's wedding that it hit me.

The older I get, the more times I think it would be nice to chat with him and share stories, looking back and laughing at our amusing lives.

Happy Birthday Pop!!

[vexxerveesvoice]

The Kabbalah of Writing: Chapter Five Writing Exercises

As a Jewish writer, I've been wanting to explore more about how to connect my writing to my spiritual and religious practices. As a first step towards this, once a week I will be responding to each of the writing exercises provided in Sherri Mandell's The Kabbalah of Writing. For the sake of being careful of copyright, I will not be posting the questions themselves. I encourage fellow Jewish writers to follow along.

The plumbers came to give a quote for fixing our kitchen and bathroom today. The contractors handling the remodel have left the dishwasher, fridge, kitchen sink, toilet, and bathroom sink disconnected for over a week, so we called another plumber to get the job done quicker. Two men wandered inside, slipping apple red covers over their shoes. -- A sixteen-ounce blueberry muffin latte with oat milk, since I couldn't use the kitchen sink Three books on the Jewish life cycle and one on counting the Omer, along with a set of cards An e-book bencher for following traditional Jewish prayers throughout the day Considered but not bought: a book about incorporating liturgy into daily life -- One man held a tablet, scrolling through the pre-set repair options and selecting the items the team would need to complete our space. The second strolled through the kitchen, shining his phone flashlight underneath the sink to get a better look at the poorly-done piping. I fiddled with my Magen David necklace while they made their observations and tapped away at the tablet, muttering to each other about parts and labor costs. Less than fifteen minutes later, they were out the door, sitting in their truck finishing up their list of supplies. I left not far behind them to pick up my morning coffee, kissing the mezuzah in my car as I pulled out of the driveway.

I don't have any recent flash essays to work with, so I'm skipping this prompt.

A black and red one-piece uniform, half-skirt on the left, legging on the right, splattered in sequins and consisting mostly of velvety spandex. Our silks were black, grey, and bright red. We usually performed in the pouring rain. That's what happens when you grow up a color guard kid in western Washington, where the rainy season and your performance schedule weave together like a braid. This year's season, we performed to a medley of video game themes and I, an inexperienced freshman, was thrown onto rifle and sabre along with the seniors. I spent much of my rehearsal time watching the evening sky in awe, watercolor reds and purples thick and stark against rigid blue mountains just behind our colossal grandstand. At our last competition, our coach changed our choreography between prelims and finals. Somehow, we won best auxiliary anyway. I don't think I saw any seniors with a dry eye after that. My lips still remember the smooth, cold feel of the award as I kissed it underneath the sobbing sky. -- Black leggings and a sweatshirt bought from Amazon contrasted with bright white suspenders. A cheap, ill-fitting black hat matched with our cheap, ill-fitting black performance shoes. I think we used the same silks as our freshman year. Only five of us competed my senior year of high school. B, a fellow senior, was our captain. She'd already done three years of DCI at that point. She was an obvious choice. We were joined by our fellow senior, K, and two underclassmen. Our show theme was James Bond and, without a coach, we were expected to write most of our choreography alone. At our only competition, we managed to scrape by into finals. I still don't know how we did it. -- A black and gold sequined uniform top paired with long flared black pants. Our hair was usually doused in glitter and our silks were tattered gold and black sewn together. Culture shock was probably the best way to describe the transition from high school to college color guard. Not needing to compete was nice, but the biggest shock was our treatment from the band director. S was the kindest, most supportive, most energetic director I could have asked for. He always encouraged the band to cheer for us after particularly difficult runs, he let us take third quarter off to rest after performing, he made sure we were fed when we showed up for gigs. It may not have rained in Idaho as much as Washington, but the 70-degree dome kept us cozy and dry even when it did. Our first year may have been a little messy, but I finally found somewhere to thrive.

Video Games I still haven't played Halo or Kingdom Hearts, despite having performed to the themes for an entire season. The brass sections had a great time throwing Halo references at each other. I think most of us were confused about why the third game, one we'd never heard of and that I've never heard about since, was included, but the music was good so it didn't particularly matter. Our coach was hard on us, expecting great things, but she cared for us deeply and we got results. I'll never know why our band director fired her. Marathon This was a mess. The color guard was in shambles. Our coach was replaced and the new one wasn't quite right. Our uniforms were thin and cheap, leaving us freezing in the pouring autumn storms. We all hated the theme - none of us liked running and none of us thought it was particularly engaging for an audience. I think we played Chariots of Fire, but that's the only piece I remember. It was a forgettable year. Leviathan I don't think a single one of us had read Moby Dick when our band director selected this theme. I don't think a single one of us picked it up afterwards. I'm still mad that he decided the three-person color guard should be an abstract representation of the ocean instead of sirens. It's not like we had a coach to fight for us, though. We were on our own. And we would remain that way the whole year. James Bond This could have been good, had we been up to snuff. The color guard still lacked a coach, although we'd recruited some new members. We, the seniors, tried to make the best of it. We all bought our own uniforms, doing our best to find something comfortable and within the theme. We wouldn't find a coach until winter season. We were on our own again, with a band director who couldn't stand us.

My toes taste the dusty heat of summer astroturf through my socks, shoes long since discarded as we practice marching basics again. The 90-degree heatwaves lick my sweaty skin, beckoning me to rest in the shade beneath the trees just on the other side of the street, but I'm the captain, so I can't leave. My stomach claws at my diaphragm, complaining that all I've eaten today is a few cubes of watermelon. The nerves get to me too much if I eat anything else. My hands begin to sting almost as much as my throat rasps, abused by the clapping and shouting it takes to command the attention of 20-odd 20-somethings for a week.

I don't save my discarded portions of used work, so I don't have discards to use for this exercise.

I'm terrible at using boundaries. The thought of being abandoned or discarded because I'm not ready to do something yet or because I don't want to do something terrifies me. I don't say no to people. I can't say no to people. I always do that which seems to make others happiest, from my work to my friendships and relationships. When I start to stand up for myself or establish boundaries, people leave me almost immediately. It's been such a pattern that I don't know how to escape it and live strongly and fully as myself with my needs and expectations clearly laid out. I don't say no. I can't. It leaves me alone and terrified.

I was 10 years old when she decided I wasn't worth her time. It was a simple misunderstanding which left me unmoored and alone, with a mother refusing to speak to me for days on end because I wouldn't follow her whims. All I wanted to do was not have to travel three hours one way multiple times per month for an activity I didn't want to dedicate my life to. I wanted to keep riding horses, I enjoyed it and found it interesting, but I didn't want it to be my profession. I didn't understand why she decided that meant I was not to be spoken to, that I was to be shunned, to be scorned, to be screamed at for hours on end. I didn't understand. I still don't understand. I don't understand why now, fourteen years later, you still stab at me for this. I don't understand why you refuse to hear me when I try to make amends or explain. It terrified me then. The memory of your fury still terrifies me now.

I don't have any true enemies, so I don't think there's anything I could really write to for this prompt.

[girltomboy]

Last week's self help course was interesting enough but not actually super helpful. It kind of pissed me off at times because of its occasional corporate dick riding tendencies. It was a welcome break from work though (with free lunch), so that was something to appreciate it for. I finally gave M the bracelet I got for her and she loved it and thanked me and said she owes me a gift now but she doesn't 😭 I was the one who owed her a gift for her birthday plus last year's secret Santa when she got me an alien necklace even though she wasn't my Santa!

On Friday we finished early, so M and I had enough time to go to her apartment, listen to some coworkers' funny calls, make dinner and eat, go to a random concert at the Christmas fair opening, and drink mulled wine. We had Saturday plans, so we didn't stay out too long, but it was nice and fun to roam through the crowd with her and watch the concert.

On Saturday I woke up at noon so I only had enough time to eat something, take a shower, and roll 2 joints for me and M to smoke at her place 😭 the plan was to make mulled wine, but smoking together has been a long time goal of ours, and we finally had the opportunity, since her flatmate went home for like a month or two. We met up to go and buy mulled wine and Sunday breakfast supplies, mulled the wine, then her cousin came over to pick up some money she owed him. And then overstayed his welcome when he heard I was staying over AND we were gonna order food. And he also messed up our plans to order from this new fast food place we've been talking about for ages, and instead convinced us to order from the cheapest, worst place 🤮 I'm pretty sure I got some sort of skin allergy from that fake cheeseburger I had, and it wouldn't even be the first time. Like a few hours later I saw a spot near my mouth that looked like a hickey but obviously wasn't one. Idk if it's still there 🤡 but I'm never eating from that place again.

Anyway, M's cousin wasn't even getting our jokes and just spent a few hours drinking cider and eating a grilled cheese wrap, and gossiping about M's flatmate. When he finally left, M and I went out on the balcony to smoke and we couldn't stop laughing, we kept having the exact same thoughts at the exact same time, our one shared brain cell kept getting activated like a ping pong ball between our skulls. When we went back inside we had to put on the videos we'd watched with her cousin again because they were just too funny and her cousin's presence prevented us from appreciating them to the fullest extent.

So we spent like hours watching random funny videos on youtube, then we decided to watch a horror movie we'd been wanting to watch at the cinema for ages, but we could never find the right tickets for it. So we watched It Lives Inside, and it was probably the worst horror movie I've ever seen in my entire life, hands down. I will make a separate post about it, but god I don't think I've seen a GOOD like GOOD GOOD horror movie from this year so far. They've all been either just bearable or downright awful like I can't believe the current state of horror. Anyway, it was entertaining because we kept laughing at the translated captions, and it was bad enough to tire us out. Afterwards M kept asking me what else I wanted to watch, and I was already sleepy so I kept being like idk whatever you want, and we got stuck in this cycle of indecision, but we ended up going to sleep.

On Sunday we woke up at 8 then went back to sleep until 11, M scrolled through youtube looking at food and I played with her little hamster. Then we made breakfast, ate, watched some more youtube videos, and I left. I ended up smoking the second joint at home by myself, I ate some snacks I had from last week and played video games with my friends the whole evening. They pissed me off a lot, not just because of the game. At some point my bf yelled and I told him to shut up and he got more pissed off, which made me upset and I'm only gonna talk to him after he apologizes. Like I'm just not gonna accept that u yell when you're angry at a game, especially when it's your fault + you complain and hate it when other people yell. And he was like "I'm not gonna change how I react" and "expect to have other fights about this" umm I really don't think that's gonna happen lol. What do you think goes through my head when the person I'm in a relationship with says those things to me? Am I just gonna be like "okay! yay🤗" Like don't be surprised that I'm upset with you and not speaking to you if you downright refuse to work on your toddler reactions and also warn me of future conflicts? Ur gonna be fighting your own demons cause I won't be there for that

[journalofsorts2]

i didn't really realize this was a thing that had happened to other people, but i just saw a video on tiktok that said "it is what it is (i stopped listening to music)" and i was confused at first but then i figured out that other people had that period in their life where they just like didn't think. where they were floating through life and spent a good amount of time listening to music or other media to drown out the thoughts of anything. at least i think that was the context of the video. but like, a couple years ago i had this phase where just nothing happened. i don't really know how to explain it. but just nothing happened. i spent my time doing one activity exclusively, only taking breaks for eating, sleeping, and school. for a bit of time that activity was playing this one picross game with a specific mother mother playlist in the background. and it was a playlist made by spotify so it got changed one day and it set me off really bad, but i remembered the order of the songs so i just remade it. another time it was playing gta v story mode. not online, not the random side quest, just the story mode. i beat it like 7 times actually, or 8 idk. another time it was watching bob's burgers in on tab and playing tetris in the other. another time it was tracing people's art and coloring it (i never posted or claimed as my own) with those stupid my story animated videos for background noise. the point is, they were these really repetitive activities that i did for hours and hours, and days and weeks and months. and i just didn't think while i did my activity. i don't remember much from those couple years, i had breaks from the activity every once in a while but they lasted at most like a month. except for her. she broke me out of the cycle for a long time. i fell in love with her and when she decided she was done with me, it hurt like hell, but the cycle of activity she put me in would be the last time i got stuck in the cycle so i thank her for that. but i was like barely living during this time. and it's so easy to slip back into that routine of overstimulation to escape living, but i'm more capable of catching it nowadays. and it wasn't even like i was obsessed with what i was doing or something (maybe a bit with gta v but whatever) but like i wasn't overly hyped about playing picross or watching bob's burgers, they just happened to be the activity i got stuck in. i feel like this cycle was my compromise on living. i didn't want to be alive, i didn't want to keep waking up every morning, but i have a little furball that i wasn't about to die on, so i stayed alive but i stopped living. my body kept existing but my thoughts died. i was so empty. and over the years, bit by bit, i've started putting myself back together. but back then i just barely existed. i don't know. this is the kinda shit i want to work through in therapy. why don't i remember a good chunk of my life? why was i so empty? i can't remember the good stuff, but why can't i remember the bad stuff? but instead i'm too much of a coward to tell my therapist the stuff i want to talk about. idk man

[comixandco]

imagine if the credits for majora’s mask were tied to the actions you did in your last cycle

like instead of that everybody is happy celebrating the festival, if they were a specific set of cutscenes that each play depending on whether you did it before fighting majora or not

so like, if you didn’t defeat each temple boss you would see cutscenes from that region still in trouble like the deku with the monkey over the fire or the gorons all frozen, but if you did kill all the bosses in the last cycle you can see the regions happy like in the actual credits

and the same for important quests as well, grog could either be with his chicks or with grown cuccoos, pamela might be with her dad or she’d be on her own, you can only see anju and kafei’s wedding if you complete their quests then fight majora, if you don’t help romani defend the ranch she isn’t playing with her sister in the credits she’s just sat there

idk i just think it would be really neat if you finished the game and were suddenly hit by the realisation that that’s it, the cycles are over and your choices in that final go-through are how the characters will live the rest of their lives

and it would make you want to go back and play through again if you saw your favourite characters not having the happy ending they deserved

[ontheblock]

FUCK you write Patrick so well. Fr I got a really interesting idea for a fic. How about a fic where Patrick meets his MOTHER FUCKEN match? So you know like perhaps Patrick trys to get under her skin one day, but she is just as nasty and he is totally fucking put off by this. Like a reader who is you know also kinda... sadistic, manipulative and.... a little bit psychopathic. So anyway Patty boy stalks her, is super like fucking obsessed, tries to get her attention and fails and its driving him fucking insane cause he doesn't know if he wants to kill or like... u know fuck her. So so so, Patrick confronts her, like isolates her whatever tries to kill her but idk ill let ur imagination take the wheel. And maybe like some smut or something ensues?

stan this anon, this request really pulled me out of the cycle of starting a story but not finishing it. this was lowkey a challenge to write only because i couldn‘t decide what approach to make but holy shit- it was fun. i hope i didn‘t stray too far from your request with making the reader the silent mindfuck kind of psycho that fucked with pat‘s solipsism and really makes him desperate instead of the violent nasty type that would probably make him feral- if some nasty fucker really wants me to attempt a different approach i will probably write it. i‘m that much of a slut for him. mind the tags— i didn‘t beta this, it took me a good 3 days to write just the smut so i just wanted this pOSTED.

steps ahead

•warning: violence/gore, mentions of death, smut, just patrick hockstetter once again, f-slur like once, dubcon/noncon

steps ahead pt ii

The first time he saw her was in a dream. He stood in a pool of dead rats, their fur matted with blood and each other’s filth. There were birds and cats scattered across the mass of rats. Funny how they were each other’s natural enemies- prey for one another but Patrick came out on top. Not as a human who stood at the top of the food chain but as an omnipotence. He stood on top, always.

So why were his feet sinking under the mass of not quiet solid anymore but not yet liquified carcasses? The bones pierced into the soles of his feet - way too sharp, way too hard to be of a decaying rat. He would know, wouldn‘t he? The meat was raw, squishy. It was filthy and the smell was almost real - painfully pungent and nothing one could ever forget. His first was roadkill, the next was his kill. It was special. But this felt off. The rats weren‘t just killed in curious Patrick-fashion. They were cut open with their spine sticking out and their heart‘s missing from their chest. Patrick‘s stomach was hot and cold with a strange sensation, his fingers seeking purchase in the sticky fur that was about to swallow him up to the knee already until he paused when a shadow loomed over him, tall enough to overshadow him and that was the part that made this dream a nightmare through and through. Patrick blinked once, twice, three times. His vision was getting blurry and it felt like last summer all over again when he hotboxed Huggin‘s car with the cheapest weed he could get his hands on that day. It took him a week to air the car out and for Patrick‘s nose to not bleed at the slightest touch.

When Patrick looked up he was met with a tall smudge of shapeless nothing, like a body that hasn‘t taken its shape yet, an unrendered character in a video game. The blur became solid so slowly that Patrick was ready to gauge out his own eyes to wake the fuck up from whatever kind of substance induced fever dream this was. Ironically enough, he went to bed sober that night. The body took shape, tall but blurry around the edges, no real mass as if it was just mist he could glide his hand through. The only thing Patrick could take for real was the face protruding out the head-like mass above him. His breath almost caught in his throat at the face of a girl no older than him staring down at him. An unknown light source showed her features clear as day but while her eyes were bright and only set on him, they felt like placeholders with nothing behind them - like marbles that caught the light brilliantly, able to reflect the prettiest shades of the rainbow but they were still cold balls of glass. Those eyes showed the same emotional depth that he saw in the mirror - none at all - and it was the first time he wanted them out his own skull, or maybe it would be nicer to dig his thumbs into hers and for a moment Patrick thought she could read his mind. A cold stretch of fingers pressed into the pulse point on his neck, delicate thumbs digging into his trachea. She was so close but Patrick couldn‘t remember when the fuck she moved at all. Patrick‘s whole world zeroed in - not on the hands attempting to collapse his windpipe - but on the smile on her face and Patrick realized that the light source glowing into only her face wasn‘t a light source at all. She was the light.

Patrick sat up with a start, delirious from whatever woke him up in the earliest god damn hours of the morning. The room was still dark, just a single strip of mellow moon light crept through the halfway closed curtains, just shy of dipping his bed in its light. Patrick‘s hand formed a loose collar around his neck, gulping down fits of air and searching his bed for the crushed pack of Camel, coming up with nothing but Bower‘s empty pack of Lucky Strikes he stole and his lighter. His eyes were still bleary with sleep, an agitated puff of air rose and sunk in his chest as he pushed it out through his nose. The dream was slowly coming back to him as he rubbed the residue out of his eyes and realization overcame him. He didn’t dream often so it should‘ve unsettled him that the face towering over him stayed in his mind so clearly - should’ve, but it didn’t. He didn’t recognize her, or at least he couldn’t put a name or experience on her. He was shit with remembering faces of women. He stopped going by faces and names long ago and instead went for how eager he was to get them alone. If they squealed or slapped him once he got them cornered their face was stuck in Patrick‘s head - if they cried out and started pleading the moment Patrick grabbed his crotch too close to them their name might come to mind. But thinking about that face? Nothing came up as far as his groggy memory could go other than that she was pretty.

He just wanted to go back to sleep but his heart was still beating in his ears and cold sweat was practically pushing out of ever pore and sticking his shirt to his chest. Patrick‘s head lulled back with a low groan as one hand pushed the blanket off his thighs. He was hard. He wanted to strangle that girl.

“So, you’re telling me about this why?“ Henry Bowers turned in his seat to scowl at Patrick sitting in the backseat. He just shrugged at him, earning a scoff before Henry turned back around to turn the music up. “Thought you‘d know her, stud.“ The comment made Huggins bite back a grin and Vic snorted in his seat next to Patrick. He didn‘t expect Henry to react, getting the silent treatment and a middle finger thrown over the shoulder. Judging from the barely healing cut on Bower‘s chin he was in one of his moods after a run in with Officer Bowers before his duty began. Patrick didn‘t bother holding in his leer as they pulled up by the school entrance.

Patrick was quick to climb through the window, effortlessly ignoring Huggins‘ yelling after him to use the fucking door, you faggot and checking his pockets to make sure he had didn‘t leave anything in the car while Henry finished his cigarette and snuck one from Vic for later. Patrick made a full body stop, one hand in his pocket and the other holding his Camel pack, when he saw a face that looked vaguely like someone he should remember and once he saw those eyes again the blur from last night overcame him like a dip in the Kenduskeag.

“Pat? You coming?“ Vic stood next to him, smacking his palm against his back to get his attention. Patrick just groaned in affirmation before turning to the boys. “See her?“ All six eyes followed the jerk of Patrick‘s thumb. Huggins was the first to ogle whatever girl he saw. “Yeah, nice tits. What about her?“ Henry - usually overeager with lecherously agreeing - just crushed his burned down cigarette under his boot. “Ain‘t that l/n? The bitch is crazy for all I know.“ Huggins pulled a face that screamed back paddling. He just wasn‘t made for psycho chicks - his own words. Vic sized her up with an indifferent shrug but Patrick stared her down in an one sided battle. She hasn‘t looked at them once. “That so?“ Patrick glanced at Henry. The last name definitely sparked something in the back of his mind, even if he couldn‘t grasp what it sparked. So that was you. “‘S bullshit, if you ask me. Look at her, rich bimbo. Gotta be a rumor.“

And - oh - he was looking. Henry wasn‘t wrong. You looked like another Greta with tits for brains, a pretty smile and hair that caught the sunlight like a halo. Your face wasn‘t that special but his interest was piqued.

“Rumors about?“

“Who knows? Pops was shitfaced but said something about a case of bones in their backyard, like a lot of fuckin‘ bones.“

That seemed a lot less odd - people buried their dead animals out back all the time. He shook his head at himself as he followed Henry. He was acting like a spaz over a dream that showed any generic girl he probably hooked up with out of town and forgot about. This was nothing. He just needed to pick a fight with Bowers to screw on his head right.

Or maybe he didn‘t because on his way from attending-half-of-literature to skipping-chem-behind-the-school he walked right into you. Literally walked right into you standing by the locker around the corner as he speed walked away from the creepy janitor huffing and nagging about kids like him littering soda cans and cigarette buds around school grounds. Patrick never liked him and wanted to kiss the ass of the drunk driver that flattened his late wife, letting the old sleaze stay home for a month.

Patrick‘s hands shot out, grabbing onto the next best thing to keep his balance - ultimately clutching at your shoulders and sending you tumbling with your back into his chest. He mentally kicked himself in his own balls for his single thought to be that you used some bullshit floral shampoo from the corner shop until you shoved his hands off your velour jacket and gracefully ripped him back to reality. His eyebrows flew up on his forehead at your frown once you turned around, irritation written in every part of your body language. The initial anger in your features sent a shock up and down his spine, flaring out towards the very tips of his fingers in anticipation. “Hockstetter? What the fuck?“ You shouldered your backpack, the frown on your face making way for a more confused pinch of the brows. “Don‘t you have kids to bully or something?“ A grin spread across his face while he leaned next to your ajar locker, shrugging. “It‘s Thursday, means I bully pretty girls today.“ He would‘ve welcomed any reaction from recoiling to cussing or even cringing in disgust but not you rolling your eyes at him and pushing past him. His palms itched uncomfortably and he dug his bitten nails into the ball of his hand. It was like you peered down at him even now, leering with indifference in your eyes while he stood waist deep in a grave of death. The picture of an empty crib flashed his mind, then a closed casket the size of an infant while his mother wept. It‘s been so long since he felt that itch and now he had to scratch it.

Patrick huffed, peeking into the gap in the locker and realizing that the idiot didn‘t close it. He pushed out a laugh, prying it open and right away there were two crumbled pieces of paper tumbling to the ground. It was a fucking mess if he‘s ever seen one. Among school books and stray pens there were torn and balled up pages upon pages from books and what looked like ripped letters. The inside of the locker door had pictures stuck to it of you and your shallow bimbo friends. Your smile was bright and innocent enough but it left a bitter taste in his mouth as he pulled one picture off to study it. You would definitely notice something like this missing but Patrick wasn‘t one to care about stealing property before and he wasn‘t going to start now. Maybe it was the lack of sleep he got that night, maybe it was the fact that he was short on nicotine this morning but he could‘ve sworn that the flickering hallway lights above illuminated your face as if you soaked up everything around you. The picture looked recent enough - probably from last summer, based on the Kenduskeag behind you and your friend and most importantly, on your dripping hair and soaked shirt clinging to your chest. Your lips were tinted red by the awful cherry slurpee the only decent ice cream parlor in Derry offered. The back had a handwriting on it, most likely yours. ‘y/n + carrie ‘88‘ Patrick folded the photo in half to shove it into his back pocket. It was going to make a great addition to his spank bank in the future.

He shoved the mass of paper back into the locker, exposing about five tubes of squeezable lipglosses from clear to pink to a translucent red and all of them were at a different stage of empty and all of them were fruit scented. Who were you trying to impress? Patrick snorted, picking up a half empty 8 ounce body spray bottle with its cap missing and tossing it back inside after giving it the sniff test. It smelled like his mother used to smell on date night with his father - roses and ginger. He never understood why women bothered. Instead, he fished a pen out from under your mess - he never looked into a girl‘s locker but in movies they were definitely cleaner - and scribbled onto a blank page, sticking it to the spot where the stolen picture hung. It never failed to freak out little girls like you that played tough.

‘i know where you live <3‘

“Hockstetter, where the fuck were you?“ Henry crushed his empty can of soda and tossed it out the passenger window. Vic handed Patrick the last hit of his cigarette before he opened the backseat door to climb in. It‘s been a week since Patrick put that note in your locker and it peeved the fuck out of him that you had the same valley girl smile on your face every time he saw you in the halls. Whenever your eyes met and you applied your cherry lipgloss it was like getting a mean chinese wrist burn but on his whole spine.

“Taking a piss.“ He finished the last inch of the cigarette and came in next to Vic who was scooting over to sit behind Huggins. Henry narrowed his eyes, following his movements in the car mirror. “Whatever. Can we fucking go now?“ Henry’s leg bounced impatiently and Patrick just felt trigger happy today. “I don’t know.“ He gave a little shrug and nodded towards the driver seat. “Can I drive?“ Huggins didn’t even skip a beat as he threw him the most scandalized look anyone has ever seen on him, acting like he just called his mother a whore. “Hell no.“ Patrick just grinned as he looked out the window and twirled his metal lighter in this hand. Huggins finally started the car engine to pull out of Hockstetter‘s driveway for a weekend cruise outside Derry. Mr Huggins just filled the tank yesterday before he told Belch to polish the car and he wouldn‘t stop talking about how the car purred like a horny cat even though it looked exactly the same to Patrick but a free ride was a free ride and a good opportunity to pick up someone while Huggins took his gas station piss break that was inevitable at this point.

They were about thirty minutes past the rusty sign that boldly announced the end of Derry, Maine and on an empty road going way over the speed limit while Huggins tapped his thumb on the steering wheel to his favorite part in Master of Puppets. The music was turned up so loud it vibrated under his feet and pleasantly traveled up his legs but Henry had no problem speaking over it, going on about a girl.

“Speaking of girls.“ Patrick dangled one arm out the window, feeling the side eye of Vic on him because when Patrick started talking girls it had to be something interesting - which was code for insanely hot or insanely disgusting but interesting all the same. “That y/n girl. Think she‘s a queer? Never seen her with a guy before.“ Henry gave him a look over his shoulder before he shrugged the question off. “I heard she had a boyfriend before the fucker went missing. Why the fuck do you care?“ Patrick stared out the window with little engagement. “I don‘t.“ Henry looked him over one last time before he turned back around. “Man, you go for the most psycho chicks out there.“ It made Huggins snort as if he had any room to talk with his three months dry streak. “How crazy can she be? She‘s a girl - all bark, no bite. Let her reject him and he‘ll stop being so pussy-whipped over her.“ Patrick kicked at the drivers seat. “Fuck off. I‘m not pussy-whipped, you fat fuck.“ Henry ended their fight prematurely by telling both of them to shut the fuck up and they drove for another ten minutes.

Patrick bounced his leg to the violent rhythm of the music blasting in his ear - tuning out Vic‘s complains while he was at it - when he sat up straight like a mean wasp stung him right in the neck. He vaguely heard Henry‘s irritated “what the fuck is it now?“ as he slapped at Huggins‘ arm. “Stop the car.“ Huggins wavered, blinking in confusion as if Patrick just asked him the square root of pi. “What?“ He kept his eyes on the road but his attention wasn‘t all there, almost steering them straight into a road sign. “Pull the fuck over. Today, you fuck!“ Belch had just enough time to pull over before Patrick swung the door open wide and stumbling out the car, his aerosol can clattering on the cracked pavement below. His mind was reeling.

“What the fuck was that?!“ Henry slammed the car door behind himself, shoving against Patrick‘s chest hard enough to make him stumble into the closed backseat door. Patrick shot him an angry glower. “I saw it!“ Henry had no problem matching the glare, stepping back into Patrick‘s personal space. “What? We haven‘t passed a fucking car in like fifteen fucking minutes!“ Patrick‘s fingers twitched with the jolting feeling of wanting to punch Bowers‘ yellowing teeth in. “You‘re fucking insane, Hockstetter. What the fuck is wrong with you?“ Henry shoved his finger into Patrick‘s sternum and reality washed over him like the first swim in ice cold water at the start of summer break and a somber voice in the back of his skull reminded him that it was pretty much impossible that you were standing by the road, waiting for him in serene fucking stillness but his spine felt stiff as if someone fixated it with a metal pipe. This was fucked. Whatever part of his mind created you was completely fucked because there was absolutely no way that you were real. This felt nothing like the time with Avery who was just an inconvenience, something that defied his logic and had to be fixed - out of sight out of mind kind of thing. You were like a plague and his own mind was turning on him by making you up. Not even his sleep was his own anymore. Whenever the rare scenario of a dream came up it was just you standing above him and he would wake up at the ass crack of dawn with his dick straining in his boxers. Some dreams left him confused for a minute or two wether or not he was awake yet, wether or not it was a chair with dirty clothes piled on it across the room or you standing in the corner because he was sure he heard someone breathing down his neck a second ago.

Patrick ran a hand down his face before he pulled open the door to slump back in the seat. He closed the door hard enough to startle Vic who was pointedly avoided the whole thing because if there was one person he didn’t want to fight that day it was Patrick in a bad mood.

Patrick wasn‘t the kid to enter the public library - he preferred to loiter around the dingy video store, sneaking behind the beaded curtain to the forbidden adult section. But the manager caught him one time too often and made a point to not leave him unattended during his late shift. So here he was. The teenage part timer behind the counter definitely recognized him, shrinking into himself the moment he walked inside. He recognized your color block sneakers easily since it was weekend and the library wasn‘t the first place kids your age liked to spent time in.

He roamed the aisles until he spotted you in front of another tall bookcase, stretching on the very tips of your toes to reach a book above you, the little shirt you wore riding up your belly. You were just making it too easy for him.

He was behind you before you knew it and his left hand ghosted over the exposed skin. Patrick knew that his hands were cold, the contrast to your warm flesh sent a shiver up his arm and his fingers pressed into the soft part of your stomach. You jumped under the touch, whipped your head around. “What—? You dick!“ Patrick chuckled but his hand didn’t move away. His right hand pulled the book from the shelf, holding it just out of your reach to read the cover. “What? You read about biology for fun?“ He snorted, lowering the book enough to let you snatch it from him. “It‘s a study about cadavers and carcasses. Maybe you should pick up a book once in a while.“

He didn‘t care about the badly delivered insult. He stroked his thumb one last time over your hip before pulling away and gestured to your chest in interest. Your eyes followed until you looked down at the necklace around your neck - a small claw that looked awfully realistic tied to a leather string. “It was my cat‘s claw. I wanted to keep it.“ You shrugged a little, brushing your finger over the edge to the piece of keratin. At that moment Patrick really wanted to slam your head into the bookcase and fuck you raw in front of the elderly customers coming in and out the library. He followed you to the front desk to the bundle of nerves behind the counter who really tried not to look at Patrick. “So you cut up your cat, huh?“ His question hung in the air and you just chuckled like it was a really good joke. Little bitch. You bagged the book and strolled over to the door, Patrick hot on your tail and you left the store as if there wasn‘t a man following you that was trying to decide wether he should violate you before of after bleeding you dry. Hell, maybe you would like that but he wasn‘t sure if he should like that. He wanted to scare you. He wanted solid proof that you were like everyone else around because you just couldn‘t be real. His hand still tingled from before. The sensation was like his hand belonged on your naked skin.

Patrick looked around to see you disappear into a car. “Fuck.“

Patrick stood against the locker across from yours, staring holes in your back as you opened it and slowly - painfully slow - unfolded the piece of paper.

‘4233 West Broadway‘

Excitement mingled with the blood rushing through his veins because it would happen any minute. You would recognize your own address, nervously look around you and meet his gaze. Your eyes would go wide, threatening to fall out as the watery shine of fear glazed them over and- You crumbled the paper in your hand and threw it in the overflowing trash at the end of the hallway. “Fucking- What?“ A junior kid ducked his head at his hushed voice alone as he passed him. Patrick made a mental note to get the ginger fuck later but now he crossed the hall without even looking at any other student that just came short of bumping into him because <i>this wasn‘t how he planned this to go</i> like at all. He was the only bona fucking fides and you were the manifestation of a sick joke he played on himself. How could you of all people play him like a damn fiddle - edge him to the very end of his seat with heat shooting out into his limbs only to run an ice cube over the vein of thrill that pulsed under his skin - unless—

Patrick swallowed nothing, his mouth void of moisture, as his heavy boots sent the trashcan rolling over the ground - trash and old cafeteria food sliding across the hall and before any teachers could ride his ass for it, he already rounded the corner you disappeared behind. It wasn‘t difficult to spot you and it would be just as easy to gain on you - Patrick was a fit boy and you, well, you were unsuspecting as you clutched your little literature book to your chest and twisted the earring stud in your earlobe which he picked up on as a habit of yours when you were bored. You didn‘t even have the right to be fucking bored, not when you stirred Patrick‘s mind like a damn sunday‘s soup. He just kept your pace three and a half feet behind you and with the student body practically parting like the red fucking sea it wasn‘t hard to not lose sight of you. He had to prove himself you weren‘t another anomaly like Avery. Ad nauseam, or whatever.

It was 7pm when Patrick came home. The lights in the kitchen were on and he heard the clattering of metal on porcelain, idle chatter between his parents and his mother‘s obnoxious giggle. He thought that he would be spared as he eased the front door shut and made his way over to the staircase, avoiding the creaking floorboards.

“Patrick? Honey, are you home?“ The distinct sound of his mother‘s voice made him groan, his hand just hovering over the hardwood railing when his body came to a stop to throw his head back.

“Yeah.“ Loud footfalls disturbed the family atmosphere like a bull in a china shop. Patrick loomed in the kitchen doorway. His mother put out a plate for him as always and he could feel the disapproval in his father‘s rubbernecking.

“Come, sit. Patty, you haven‘t told me your little secret.“ Despite her cushy tone, Patrick‘s muscles seized up uncomfortably because she had no idea how that little sentence danced around his skull for a whole minute. It would mean anything from skipping school to beating the puberty out of children to murdering and keeping the carcasses as a trophy in a rotting fridge down at the landfill. His father‘s click of the tongue was like a wake up call and Patrick played it cool by not only bypassing his mother but straight up reversing to avoid whatever she was digging for. “Ma, I have an essay to write.“ He really did, though he didn‘t know what class it was supposed to even be for and his father gave him a look Patrick wanted to punch off his face while his mother ushered him to sit in front of her - he didn‘t take the invitation. “Patty, you don‘t have to be embarrassed. She seems like a proper one.“ And for the first time Patrick was at a loss for words, feeling like a fully grown scolopendridae was writhing underneath his skin and its venom was currently feasting on his nerves. He was annoyed, so annoyed that he wasn‘t at least two steps ahead.

“What?“

“Oh, you know, honey. Y/n. She stopped by to return a study sheet. Patty, mommy‘s really happy that you met such a sweet girl but you‘re still under the eyes of God an—“

Patrick tuned the rest of her fruitless no-sex-before-marriage-talk out as his feet already carried him upstairs, practically bodychecking his door open like a SWAT raid on a kiddie fiddler‘s apartment. Nothing looked out of place. Candy wrappers and crushed up soda cans littering the carpet, Playboy and Hustler magazines hidden underneath his mattress and stacks of papers and baggies he scored scattered across his carved up desk. Even the contents of the wooden tallboy and closet was untouched and Patrick huffed as he kicked at a hairspray can he scratched the label off. A band tee he grew out of undeniably smelt like the ghost of roses as it laid crinkled on a chair. The band posters thumbtacked onto his wall stared back at him, a familiar note stuck to a Mötley Crüe poster by his bed. He recognized that sloppy longhand alright.

‘i know where you live <3‘

A more legible handwriting stood out in pink gel pen underneath. He ripped off the note that obscured frontman Vince Neil‘s visage as a twitch traveled beneath his waistband.

‘me too.‘

“The fuck was that?“ The bell just rang out as Patrick slammed his hand flat against your locker door, closing it with a metallic groan and the cool steel of his silver rings scratched the surface unpleasantly. You frowned - fucking pouted even - with one hand in your school bag. “What‘s what?“ Your tone was casual, audaciously questioning. “Well, fuck. I don‘t know! This maybe?“ He fumbled for the piece of paper in his jean pocket to dangle it in front of you like some kind of legendary reveal. He watched your eyes scan the page, brows furrowing as you looked back into his face. “You started it, Hockstetter.“ You plucked the paper from his lose grip to fold it back up. “Your mother is really nice.“ Patrick stepped back, huffing, unimpressed by the little jab about meeting Mrs Hockstetter.

“Honestly though, I‘m disappointed you didn‘t come visit me through my window with the whole address-thing. I don‘t lock it at night.“

“That‘s what you‘re into?“

“You don‘t know half of it, Patty.“ You patted his cheek before catching up with your friends in the hall.

Patrick couldn‘t for the fucking life of him catch you alone. It began in the morning when your dad dropped you off at school on his way to his generic ass job in his generic ass red car. You two didn‘t share classes. You didn‘t wander the halls by yourself. He would know - he skipped algebra multiple times to maybe catch you going to the girls restroom. On your way home you went the same route as a group of students you laughed with before waving goodbye at your door and well, your mother was always home by that time like a good little housewife.

After the third time he - fully sober - saw you in places you couldn‘t even be it was time for less stalking and more of a head on approach. Your interactions were fleeting at school, none at all in your downtime. It had to look like Patrick chasing a little skirt but if he was honest, he wasn‘t sure if it was that anymore. The lines between lechery and sanguinary bled together with each dream that woke him up like a hot iron to the ass cheek. But you just had to be a bitch even when left in the dark.

It was way past official curfew when he stood in front of your window with the curtains wide open. Your dad’s car was parked in the driveway and the house was dark. It took little effort to slide the unlocked window open and climb inside, smearing fresh mud on your beige cut pile carpet.

Patrick couldn‘t make out a lot of details with your room this devoid of light. There was a shirt and a pair of shorts left by the foot of your bed and a pair of jeans draped over a swivel chair. The vanity table was a mess, products scattered across the wooden surface and tubes left in the open with their lids thrown next to it. But most importantly, your bed was untouched and fucking empty - a last fuck you on your part while you fucked up another plan of his. He strolled over to where you were supposed to be asleep right now. The blanket was thrown over the mattress sloppily and a worse for wear Monchhichi with its face rubbed off laid out on your pillow. He wondered if you would be embarrassed. No doubt, you wouldn‘t want Patrick of all people to see you little childhood stuffed animal. But you probably didn‘t want Patrick breaking into your house either - shouldn‘t have provoked him in the first place.

Patrick heard floorboards creaking and groaning under soft footfalls and his heart pounded into his throat. He adjusted himself in his pants, anticipation skyrocketing. It was now that he reminded himself that he didn‘t make any solid plans other than finally getting you, getting under your skin in one way or the other. He stayed silent, eyes fixed on your bedroom door when the handle jiggled and opened a crack before creaking. You cursed softly before easing the door open all the way and walking inside barefoot. In the dark, Patrick heard your breath hitching before you froze, hand squeezing the doorknob and the other hovering near the light switch. He saw it in the twitch of you shoulders, the slow shuffle of your feet - you were about to run or scream and he just couldn‘t have that. He was fast from the adrenaline already pushing through him in waves. It took three long strides to clamp his cold, clammy hand over your mouth while the other pulled you further into the room so his boot could guide the door shut. The weight of his knife in his jacket pocket was the only thing keeping him grounded right now and holy shit he hasn‘t been this aroused in ages. He shushed your muffled yelling like he was holding a child throwing a toddler tantrum but he couldn‘t keep the grin out of his face when your eyes almost rolled out your skull with how wide open they were. “C‘mon, let‘s not wake mommy and daddy up, hm? We don‘t want you to end like your cat.“ Patrick‘s eyes darted to your harshly rising and falling chest, the shadows of your necklace heaving with your breaths.

You bit into his palm, hard. Patrick grunted through gritted teeth and his grip on your face doubled to throw you onto your bed, the springs protested loudly. “You stupid cunt.“ His voice was level because if your parents came in now it would ruin everything. Your soft breaths were still fast and loud in his ears. “I came here to make you suck my dick. Mark you up a little.“ His fingers slowly laced themselves into your hair, the fresh bite oozed blood and the contact made his palm sting. Your hands scrambled mindlessly to grab onto his wrist when he took hold of a fistful of lose strands in an iron grip. The pain in his hand helped him hold onto what little self control he still had around you. “But you‘ve really done it now, princess.“ He angled your head back until you met his eyes. He could make out the barest features in the dark with the moon illuminating you from behind but he didn‘t doubt for a second that you couldn‘t see the glinting hunger in his eyes with the soft light hitting his face.

His free hand yanked your sweater up to your chin and you gasped out his name. The little sounds you made went right to his half chub as he unclasped the front of your bra. You really made it easy for him now. His imagination had nothing on the real thing, the warmth, when his thumb traced the goose bumps forming on your breasts from the cold air in your room - the way you cried out when he seized the meat of your breast hard enough to bruise, his rings digging cruel marks into your skin. “Patrick—“, his eyes darted up from your tits, “you can‘t-“

“But I can. Don‘t act all shy, girlie. Y‘riled me up for weeks now.“ Your hands tightened around his hand that still held your hair too tight to be comfortable. “It hurts.“ His grip faltered for a split second at the come-hither tone while you looked at him with those wide eyes. His jaw flexed and he harshly tugged his hair back because what if this was another mind fuck and you weren’t inviting him into your panties and how dare you fuck with him still.

“It hurts, yeah?“ His other hand left your chest, trailed lower and leaving even more goose bumps underneath the ghost of his fingertips. He roughly yanked the button of your jeans open, not even bothering with the zipper. Your hands shot out, letting go of the one in your hands to push at his chest and arm as he inched his fingers into your panties. It was uncomfortable with the stiff fabric of your pants in the way but he made it work for himself as he brushed over your public mound and further down down down— until he tuned out your pathetic shoves and stupid whining and ran a finger through your folds. “This makes you wet, hm? Fuck, just knew you‘d be a little whore.“ He sounded breathless in his own ears or maybe it was all the blood leaving his brain to collect in the hardest erection he ever sported because while he saw your annoying little mouth move, your voice was just noise to him now as he worked your pants down your thighs.

You kicked at him, movements slowed and restricted by your jeans around your knees and he caught your ankle in a mean hold that had you suck in a breath. Before you could catch yourself, your head hit the mattress as the brutal grip on your hair disappeared. Patrick sunk onto his knees, your thighs automatically tried to close once he was eyelevel with your pussy only to press against his head and for him to pry them back open by pinching the skin on the inside of your thigh. He propped your legs on his shoulders, one hand staying high up on your thigh. “Be good. Because if you‘re not, well—“ He didn‘t finish the threat, his mind spinning with ways to go from making this mildly uncomfortable for you to mutilating and ruining you for any man after him - and if he wasn‘t rock hard before, now he was. He heard you breathing harder and when he ran his middle finger through your folds again, he searched your eyes. Your whole body was pulled taut as a bowstring but you were staring down at him, face screwing up as he prodded at the entrance. He wasn‘t sure if he wanted it to be out of anticipation or fear for what he was going to do to you.

Patrick pushed his middle finger in and he loved the drawn out gasp that left you, the way you clenched around him once he was knuckle deep. His eyes flickered to where you swallowed his finger up, to your face, and back down again. Your head fell back into the soft mattress beneath you once he pulled out halfway, almost gentle enough to make you think this wasn‘t Patrick Hockstetter finger-deep inside your pussy, before he thrust his finger back in at an angle that made your hips buck up the mattress. He repeated it once, twice - each time pulling out slower, further to thrust back in when your feet kicked against his back.

He pulled out and for a second, Patrick saw his butterfly knife held tightly in his hand. He didn‘t remember taking it out of his jacket and it felt weightless no matter how hard he squeezed it. His breaths became labored and the air was too thin and he didn‘t bother to search for your eyes again, gaze trained on the very tip of the knife that caught the moonlight on the polished blade. He didn‘t hesitate as he eased the knife into your clenching pussy, blood flowing like a river and his head was filled with screaming and his vision was obscured by the amount of blood gushing out of you, soaking through your blanket and mattress, dripping from the blade once he drew it out again. He looked up again, watching your chest rising and falling, and you picked up your head to look at him with parted lips and heavy eyelids. Patrick blinked in rapid succession, looked back to his empty hand. The only fluid clinging to his finger was your slick - the same slick that made your naked flesh glisten and he licked it off his hand before he gathered more by roughly dragging the pads of his fingers across your pussy.

He got off his knees, fixing your thighs around his waist, and his dry hand smacked against your cheek to get your attention. “You‘re so fucking wet. Open up. Taste yourself, baby.“ His thumb pressed against your lower lip, smearing your lipgloss. He didn‘t wait for you to comply - prying your jaw open and sliding his wet fingers in when he was met with little resistance. Your complains were muffled buy the three-finger intrusion and Patrick only had so much patience left. He pushed deeper, passing your tongue and stroking the edge of your throat until it naturally confused and you gagged. “I said. Lick. It. Off.“ He pressed his fingers into your throat with each menacing word, until he was sure you would throw up if he made you take more but soon enough he felt your tongue lapping at him and he eased up on your throat - going for his belt with his other instead. The metal clink made you pause and you tried to lift your head off the bed which proofed to be difficult with a set of fingers in your mouth that practically deepthroated you if you moved. He would shove your head back down anyway.

Patrick shoved his pants down just enough to pull his cock out, a soft groan creeping out his chest in relief and shock of being exposed to the chilly air of your room, the open window blowing the nights cold breath inside. Finally - mercifully - Patrick pulled his fingers from your spit slicked lips to seize your hips on both hands and you could pick up your head, eyes glazed over with something Patrick couldn‘t read and it pissed him off. “Ngh- Patrick, wait—“ He didn‘t. Nothing you said would make him wait anyway so he cut you off by gripping his cock with his wet hand and grinding the leaking head against your clit. The breath you were pushing out turned into an airy moan and your nails clawed at the blanket your own slick was currently ruining underneath you. He gave an experimental prod - your eyes screwed up tight - and then a grind that caught on the edge of your hole, just shy of sliding in but only dragging against your folds again - your mouth fell slack as your body was wound up like a Jolly Chimp at the suggestion of his dick actually sliding home.

“Yeah, you‘re just begging for it - fucking drooling on my dick.“

“‘M not.“ The protest was weak once your hips chased after him until his hand planted itself on your belly to keep you down.

“Well, you‘re gonna take it like a good slut- Fuck, I‘ve waited so fucking long.“ His fingers tightly held onto the base of his length to actually line his swollen head up. He liked to deny himself release until his balls ached and his dick was red and angry but he would be lying if he said he could resist feeling you the way he tried to make his hand feel for weeks now. Maybe Huggins wasn‘t wrong for once in his life - Patrick was pussy-whipped and he liked getting what he wanted. And when Patrick wanted, Patrick took. His hips pressed forward until he met resistance and your legs jerked to close them only to be blocked by his body, so he pressed harder. A wordless whine heightened into a keen of his name when his head breached you and he groaned low in his throat, one-inch-deep and sinking deeper and deeper deeper deeper in your chest, blood spraying onto his chest when he yanked the knife from between your ribs and out of your beating heart. He slid two fingers into the wound, feeling your everything draining out around his digits and how would it feel to put his cock inside—

“Fu-uck—“ Patrick wasn’t sure if the pleasure sparking in his brain came from the snug feeling around his cock or the vivid images of you becoming his best kill yet. His hips were flush against yours and the stretch from a single finger to the biggest erection he ever had over a girl, had to feel like he wanted to split you in two and maybe he did want that. He wondered if it hurt you. He wished it did. Your babbling might be in prostest or encouragement, to him it was all the same anyway. You were clenching around him like a vice but your body was more honest, drooling more lubrication until his cock was glistening when he pulled out a few inches. “You‘re so tight,“ - he collected your wrists into one hand, pinning them to your chest once your manicured nails came dangerously close to scratching his face - “Don’t do that. You‘re such a good hole for me - fuck - don‘t stop now.“ Patrick set a fast pace once he made himself comfortably familiar with the ridges and pulses inside you, fucking into you with purpose now.

Your mouth dropped open with a strangled moan, the way he snapped his hips into yours knocking the air out of you but you still drew in enough air to mewl “Patrick“‘s and whine “ah, please-“ while twisting in his one handed grip around your wrists. The thought of letting you scratch him bloody never seemed better once your unfocused eyes twitched between his face and your ceiling, your hips meeting his punishing thrusts. So he let go, watching the circulation flushing your hands again, watching the beginning of a bruise blooming your wrists. He only slowed down to fumble for his lighter but you didn‘t seem to mind - taking whatever he gave you like you were made for it, like you were his for the taking, like you were real. He wanted to snuff every ghost of a thought like this. He came here to proof that you weren‘t real but the moment he felt your muscles convulsing around him - the moment he was sheathed inside you - he never felt more alive and he hated you for it. He wanted to ruin you.

“I wish you would—“ Patrick cut himself off with a grunt as he hit the right spot inside you and your nails dug through the fabric covering his shoulders. He didn‘t care to explore the rest of his thought process, opting for drinking in the dull pain your nails left in his shoulders.

The metallic clang of flicking open his lighter seemed to snap you out of your mindless orgasmic chase, picking up your head until the thumb on his other hand drew tight circles against your clit. “Gonna- ‘M gonna—“ A mean grin stretched across his face at the little twitches your hips gave. He spun the flint wheel until a flame ignited. “Yeah?“ His thumb eased it‘s pressure to make you last. The hand with his lighter twirled in lazy circles, allowing the metal case of his zippo lighter to heat up while trying not to scorch himself with his rapid pace.

“You wanna cum?“ You only managed a high whine of “yes yes yes“ as you dangled dangerously close off the edge, your legs wrapping around Patrick‘s back. “Cum for me, you whore. C‘mon, cum on my cock.“ His voice was tight with holding in his own release as he felt your walls spasm like you wanted to pinch his dick off. He grabbed your shaking thigh and pressed the hot metal lighter into your soft skin, hearing the sizzle your sweat soaked skin made as he burned his mark into you was enough to make his balls pull tight painfully hard. The searing pain ripped right through the waves of your orgasm, waves of pleasure ebbing away to make way for the ugly throbbing in your thigh but you <i>moaned</i> like Patrick just made you ride higher than ever before and it made Patrick grind into your overstimulated pussy to reach his own peak.

Patrick dropped the lighter on your bed, cooled off enough to not burn anymore, and slowly pulled out of you. You only had half the mind to feel his cum leaking from your abused hole but he had his fun watching your clench around nothing as you recovered from the aftershock of what was sex with Patrick Hockstetter of all people. He didn‘t usually get a thrill out of possibly knocking a girl up but it wasn‘t like it really mattered now.

Patrick reached into his jacket pocket to pull his knife before you would even notice and finish the job. It was empty and he caught the grin on your face before the metallic shine in your hand.

He wondered how far ahead of him you were all this time.

[myhoneststudyblr]

every single student in the world has likely procrastinated at some point - i know i definitely have! sometimes i think it can be quite helpful because means that you don't spend every minute of every day studying... but on the other hand, it can become very hard to beat. there are so many advice posts in the community on this topic but i thought that i would share my own tips! 

disclaimer: everyone studies differently and these are my personal tips. they may not work for you but they can be a good starting point 

What is Procrastination?

i found this little summary of procrastinating on the internet and thought it completely covered everything that i wanted to say on this point:

Procrastination is the habit of delaying an important task, usually by focusing on less urgent, more enjoyable, and easier activities instead. It is different from laziness, which is the unwillingness to act.

Procrastination can restrict your potential and undermine your career. It can also disrupt teamwork, reduce morale, and even lead to depression and job loss. So, it's crucial to take proactive steps to prevent it.

The first step to overcoming procrastination is to recognize that you're doing it. Then, identify the reasons behind your behavior and use appropriate strategies to manage and overcome it.

- How to Stop Procrastinating by Mindtools

so what is learnt from this is that:

procrastination is not being lazy 

it is avoiding tasks by doing other easier tasks

it can have negative effects

you need to proactively take steps to avoid it 

first, recognise the procrastinating then use strategies to break the cycle

Conventional Tips

these are the basic tips that are some of the most well-known strategies for ending procrastination and can be some of the most important steps!

1. get organised. tidy up your desk to study space because there is nothing worse than having to work in a place that is chaotic and mess. collect the information you need for the task, for example, notes you've made or a textbook. 

2. to-do lists are your friend. a lot of people (including me) really struggle with timetables for studying because it can seem really structured and there is no flexibility or real allowance for things that may crop up during the day (your food takes longer to cook, you have to unexpectedly do a task around the house, you get a really bad headache and need to take a break). in my opinion, to-do lists help solve this problem! you can clearly see the tasks that you want to get done for the day but you don't have stressful time constraints. personally, i always use todoist to keep track of everything. to-do lists also make it easier to break tasks down

3. break the task down. one of the biggest cause of procrastination is having a huge task or project ahead of you because it seems really daunting and where on earth are you even going to start? so break it down *completely*. in your to-do list, don't just write ‘german homework’, write down even task that you need to do within it and be specific: for example ‘pg. 11 ex 4a, 4b and 4c’, ‘textbook listening task on pg. 47′ and ‘250-word essay on social media in Germany’. breaking it down makes the tasks seem more attainable and when you’ve done one and you can cross it off your list, it gives you a boost to keep going

4. eliminate distractions. this is a big one. even if you do all of the above, if you are constantly being distracted by things, you aren't going to get much done. try to find a place that is quiet enough that you can focus and you feel comfortable studying in. as well as this you need to think about what to do with your phone as the likelihood is that this will be the most distracting thing. you can simply turn it off, put on do not disturb, leave it in another room or use and app like forest (that last one is what i use and i don't know where i would be without it!)

5. use incentives. finishing a task is an achievement so treat it like one! before you study, decide on something that you will give yourself as a reward for doing it. this may be watching that new episode of your favourite programme or a tasty snack! 

6. set timers. don't just launch yourself into a task, because that again can make it seem daunting and feel unending. rather, set a timer for a specific time because you’ll know that you just need to focus for that specific length of time and then you can go take a break and do something nice. for timing your study sessions, you could use the Pomodoro technique 

7. allow for breaks (but try to avoid long ones). you are not a machine and as much as it would be great to be able to, you cant study for hours on end without giving your mind a break from focusing. so schedule in break time for yourself, particularly for times that you know your motivation dips, and do something nice. but be very careful that you don't accidentally slip back into procrastinating habits and keep breaks short. unless you are very disciplined it is unlikely that an hour-long break will stay just an hour.

8. know how you study but don’t be afraid to mix it up. everyone studies differently and so there are going to be some study methods that work better for some than others. so try to make sure that you are studying smart and that you aren't wasting your own time cause that can be incredibly unmotivating. HOWEVER, if there is anything that I’ve learnt from online school its that doing the same task all the time, every day is mind-numbingly boring and you just want to do anything else. so try to switch up what you are doing. if you usually just type notes from the textbook, maybe try doing it in a mindmap one week, or on flashcards, maybe do some practise questions to keep your mind engaged. 

9. play music. now this one really depends on the person and how you study. some people need absolute silence and that is fine, but others need something to fill the silence or maybe cover up background noise (for example if you live in a busy household). try to pick music however that is not going to distract you - the key tips for this is to pick music without lyrics. this can be classical music, video game music, or general ‘chill’ music (there are so many playlists out there for chill studying music). i personally listen to Francesco Parrino religiously while studying because he does piano covers of pop songs, so i know the songs and enjoy them but there are no lyrics that can distract me 

10. stay hydrated, well-rested and not hungry. this is part of eliminating distractions because if you are thirsty, you are going to be thinking about how you want a drink; if you are tired, you are going to be thinking about how tired you are; if you are hungry, you are going to be thinking about what you want for lunch or whatever. make sure you are hydrated, well-rested and not hungry so you can focus solely on your task or work.

Unconventional Tips

these are some slightly more unusual tips that you might not have seen before but that I've nevertheless found very useful!

1. video yourself or do a timelapse. this is something that I’ve only recently done because i saw a tip on this from someone during my quarantine challenge and thought that it would be cool to do. and it really works! i did it twice once when i was typing notes and a second time when i was handwriting notes and it really made me focus on what is as doing because the video put some pressure on me to look like i was properly studying - i could take a 5-minute break in the middle of my work to mess around with my pen, I just had to keep going so it really forces you to do the work. also watching the video when i was done made me really proud cause i had visual proof of how much i completed!

2. accept that some days you are going to get very little done. this may seem a little bit odd to put on a post that is meant to avoid getting nothing done but it’s actually a very important thing to remember. sometimes you need to take days off because otherwise you are going to burnout and some days you are just not going to be in the right mindset for studying because maybe you are exhausted after a big exam, or you have a headache or you feel unwell. you just need to accept it, draw a line under it, take time for yourself, and resolve yourself to work tomorrow once you feel a bit better. there is no shame in taking time to make sure you stay healthy. if you can, try to get your quickest, easiest task done so you have some sense of accomplishment.

3. ‘churn it out and f**k off’. this was my mum’s motto when she was studying and working in academia. and she recently told it to me when i was getting stressed about all the big tasks during online school. i am a perfectionist and i always want to hand in my very best work, put 100% into everything, but honestly that is impossible. some days you just need to get stuff done and if that isn't your very best then it doesn't matter too much because at least you got it done. and once you get it done you can just forget about it.

4. ask a friend or parent to check up on you. when you are studying by yourself it can be hard to motivate yourself because you know that no ones actually going to check whether you made those votes or did the reading, so ask a friend or someone you live with to check whether you've done the work or get them to read essays. you then get an external reason to study or do your tasks because you need to show them something.

5. rephrase how you think of tasks. when you think that ‘you need to do this task’ or ‘you have to get this done’, a lot of the time this causes unneeded stress and anxiety that is not going to help you at all. also it makes it seem like you are being forced to do something and human beings generally don't act great when they are forced to do something. so try to change your language when thinking about task into one that is more forgiving such as ‘i choose to do this project so that i can go meet my friends tomorrow’ and ‘i choose to read this book now because it will help me in the lecture next week’. this is probably the most difficult strategy on this list and it will take a lot of practice (i am certainly still practising it) but in the long term, it can help you change the way in which you view studying for the better. 

✨✨✨

i hope this was helpful and that these tips will be useful, and perhaps you've discovered some new ones! if anyone has anything to add please feel free to reply or reblog with the advice <3

[arofili]

I love reading what you write! It's always such good, easy writing no matter what it's about! Do you have any Russingon fic recs? I'm new to Ao3 and still figuring it all out.

Aww thank you so much <3 <3 that means a lot! and YES I have lots of Russingon fic recs! These are all taken from my bookmarks and I know there are other great fics out there, but these are ones that I have saved and come back to frequently!

(I’m also going to plug my Russingon fics bc I write them a lot and I’m pretty proud of some of those works!)

Blessed Hands Will Break Me by @absynthe--minded - WIP currently at 139k, lots of worldbuilding, from Fingon’s discovery of Maedhros’ capture to the Mereth Aderthad - Absynthe is an amazing Russingon writer, absolutely check her stuff out!

“whoso list to hunt” by vauquelin (elftrash) - 3k oneshot, post-Angband, 1st person Fingon POV - another incredible writer

“Old Pains” by @zealouswerewolfcollector​ - ficlet, post-reembodiment, Maedhros is unsure of reality

Did My Heart Love Till Now? by @absynthe--minded​ (with art by @felixwhetsel​ !) - 5k, Years of the Trees, masquerade shenanigans <3

“stay thy mind, and all the rest” by @mc-dude​ - 25k oneshot, get together, Fingon visits Maedhros in Himring, the ANGST and LONGING gahhhh !!!

“commit (to the bit)” by vauquelin (elftrash) - 4k oneshot, Years of the Trees, FAKE DATING FOR WORLD PEACE, this author has a GIFT for prose and the subtlety of interpersonal interaction

“cliffs of fall” by @arrivisting - 3k oneshot, nonlinear narrative but generally focused on post-reembodiment reunion with Complicated Feelings - another author with a truly inspiring talent for prose, I reread the wedding scene in this fic at least once a week and it never fails to make me emo

In Equal Measure by @siphilemon - WIP currently at 108k, time-travel fix-it, bullet point fic, not just Russingon but they’re the ones who time traveled and anyway their parts make me go insane

Your colors by @elesianne - 2 chapters, 3k total, Years of the Trees and then Beleriand, gift-giving and anniversaries and dirty talk, so tender and loving, Elle’s Russingon always hits me right in the heart <3

“Like the old season” by Tyelperintal - 1.8k oneshot, post-Angband, Maedhros and Fingon take a walk in the woods, super sweet

“Gifts of the Heart” by @wren-of-the-woods - 10k oneshot, Years of the Trees, really lovely get-together fic, gift-giving, just super sweet and fun

Our Houses Bound Together by @senalishia and @z-h-i-e - 5 chapters, 17.2k total, arranged marriage AU!!, mutual pining, lots of drama, very fun

“just one safe place” by sunflower_diode - 2.1k oneshot, post-Angband, homoerotic haircutting

“All About Your Heart” and its sequel “At Last Broke Silence, And The Ice” by @admirablemonster - first fic is 2k, second is 8k, modern AU ft. aspec Fingon and genderfluid Maedhros!!!, get together, family drama, ice angst <3

Life after Death by Sylanna - WIP currently at 69k, Fingon-centric post-reembodiment fic, slow moving and contemplative, the author is truly the sweetest person ever

What Is Wrought Between Us by @nikosheba - 90k series (with plenty of smut too), complete, canon compliant, ranges from the Years of the Trees all the way to after the Dagor Dagorath, a truly incredible work

“Kindness” by justonelastdance - 1.6k oneshot, Maedhros in a fucked up mental state post-Angband, hurt/comfort - this author writes a lot of Maedhros whump so if you like this check out their other stuff too (this one is just my favorite)

and under the cut, some smut recs....

smut recs

In a Jeweled Crown by @absynthe--minded - 3 chapters, 12k, complete, Fingon’s coronation and the aftermath - this one still makes me go nuts every time I read it

Reconnecting by nyromes - a series with 2 parts, 9k total, first time post-Angband + first time Maedhros bottoms post-Angband

“Bright Defiance” (1.7k) and its companion fic “Very Good” (800 word ficlet) by @edgeoflight - two oneshots, Fingon coaxes Maedhros’ story out of him post-Angband + some PWP - these are some of my favorites, I come back to them frequently

“all your perfect imperfections” by @stormxpadme - 1.8k oneshot, stumpfucking, I’m biased bc this was written for me but I do love it very much, Himring era

“These Games We Play” by @edgeoflight - 1.7k oneshot, the original stumpfucking fic, Himring era

A Surprise At Home by Findecutie and MayGlenn - 25k of pwp, Years of the Trees, newlyweds, crossdressing - part of the much longer Russ and Finno Verse but this was my intro to that verse and it’s good on its own!

“Fuath” by yeaka - 3k oneshot, first time, some truly disturbing manipulation by Melkor but the Russingon here fucking destroys me ;-;

“Rozanne” by yeaka - 2.8k oneshot, Maedhros recovering from Angband, I once saw someone use the phrase “lovingly described blowjobs” and that’s basically this fic

“Sleeve” by yeaka - 2.4k oneshot, trans!Maedhros, Years of the Trees, Fëanor invents the condom for Maedhros and Russingon are incredibly eager to try it out, they’re SO IN LOVE here it gets me every time

Passion and Anxious Care by LiveOakWithMoss - 12.5k total, 2 fic series, modern AU, oh my god they were roommates, get together and then first time, this is another one I return to frequently - this author is/was a BNF a few years ago but hasn’t been active recently

“For nimble thought can jump both sea and land” by TheLionInMyBed - 2.2k oneshot, palantiri foolishness that leads to video sex basically, Beleriand era - another BNF who is/was buds with LiveOakWithMoss

Treat me soft but touch me cool by LiveOakWithMoss and TheLionInMyBed - 4 chapters, 18k total, swoon kink/medical kink, relationship difficulties that are resolved, Beleriand era with a final chapter post-reembodiment, love this one

“Enthroned” by @ultraviolet-eucatastrophe - 4.5k oneshot, throne sex, fealty kink, King Fingon era

“A Disgrace to the House of Finwë” by @edgeoflight - 2.3k oneshot, get together/first time, Years of the Trees, they’re just super sweet together <3

“What Happens in Himring” by teasoni - 3.4k oneshot, reunion sex, Himring era, fealty kink, this fic is tagged “finally some dicks get sucked!!!!!!” and I think about that tag every time I write a Russingon blowjob jdkfhdkj

“a light in darkness, hope in woe” by @admirablemonster - 4k oneshot, trans!Maedhros, surprise baby Gil-galad in the middle of the Bragollach

“A lord and his prince” by @ultraviolet-eucatastrophe - 3.1k oneshot, early Beleriand era, reunion sex, super sweet and fluffy

“Made of Lava” by @edgeoflight - 2.1k oneshot, Years of the Trees, tender get-together fic with a kind of silly premise

Bend, bruise, beg by LiveOakWithMoss - 5 chapters, 13k total, part of a larger modern AU but tbh I haven’t read the main fic in that verse and this absolutely stands on its own, Maedhros discovering his kinks, chapters 2 (first time) and 4 (butt plug shenanigans) are my favorites

“in a field of stars” by Nacht - 3.4k oneshot, Years of the Trees, first time/get together, the writing style here is really unique and sticks with me

“a sword once sheathed” by @mc-dude - 3.5k oneshot, Beleriand era, reunion sex, the amount of horny longing is truly astonishing

Of Flight and Freedom by @admirablemonster - 2 chapters, 6.6k total, wingfic/wing kink, first time/get together, the Rescue and its aftermath

“Thorns” by yeaka - 2k oneshot, post-Angband, Maedhros with lousy self-worth, Fingon who punishes him with love, bondage

The Ice Between by angrymermaids (who has a tumblr but I don’t remember the url oops) - 7 chapters, 33.5k total, Beleriand era, piecing their relationship back together / trying to get back to being intimate, focus on Fingon and his trauma from the Ice

“much too tall for a boyfriend” by @i-am-a-lonely-visitor - 4.7k oneshot, fem!Maedhros x budding-transmasc!Fingon, Years of the Trees, I think about this fic ALL THE TIME I kind of want to write a sequel to it sjfdhdkjh

“the beat of your heart as my hand touches your skin” by @admirablemonster - 5.3k oneshot, part of the Elves in Pon Farr series, Years of the Trees, heat fic/mating cycles, first time/get together, Maedhros’ first heat catches him by surprise while on a camping trip with Fingon, accidental soulbond

“Beneath the Blanketing White” by @nikosheba - 2.3k oneshot, Himring era, pwp, cameo from little Gil-galad at the end

“What I Am (When I’m With You)” by @thatfeanorian - 5k oneshot, part of a larger modern AU, married fluff, Fingon with baby Gil, ends with some lovely smut, this was written for me so AGAIN I’m biased but I do very much love this one

“open your body and soul to me” by @the-quiet-fire-of-defiance - 2.3k oneshot, Years of the Trees, trans!Maedhros, pregnancy, exhibitionism, sex toys, they’re so in love that it drives me crazy, I can’t stop thinking about this fic djfhkjd

“Like the Golden Fire in Your Eyes” by @sianascera - 3.8k oneshot, Years of the Trees, Maedhros invents nipple piercings, extremely fun <3

[leamy-world]

Some afterthoughts on The Devil Judge (spoilers for all the drama!)

Hello everyone! I hope you’re doing well!!

I wanted to write my thoughts after the finale aired because ep. 13-14 made me a mess and were too nerve-wracking! After these two episodes, i only wanted the week to go by fast to see how the finale unfolded (but at the same time, this drama entertained me sm i didn’t want it to end haha).

Watching this drama each week and reading your reactions and thoughts made me enjoy it even more, i’m glad i came back on tumblr! It was a really nice ride (more like an emotional rollercoaster haha)! It motivated me to write my thoughts and analyses on fictions i watched in the future, especially My Mister and Beyond Evil!! I forgot how much fun it was to do that and putting my thoughts into words gave me a little closure to my watch haha

These are just some afterthoughts & personal interpretations i had and were maybe probably already discussed, but i couldn’t get them out of my head haha

See you around and take care!!!

THE CAST. It left a strong impression on me and i can’t see other actors playing their respective roles!

—   Yohan portrayed by Ji Sung … i have no words, this devil judge left me speechless! His character, to his Devilish Smile (and hollow laugh in front of CKH and his son, or Gaon), his variating voice intonations (like damn, he’s a living ASMR like Lee Sung Kyung), his held back emotions and touch-starved and even desperate touches when it came to Elijah and Gaon, to his rage and unhinged moments! 

I winced seeing him contort in pain when Sunah revealed Elijah accidentally lit the church fire, and the two times he hugged Elijah totally destroyed me. His last scene with Gaon showed how gazes & micro-expressions alone could convey unspoken words as strongly. I’m weak for these kinds of scenes, My Mister for example did it and killed me haha

For this post, i rewatched some scenes and damn, Elijah and Yohan’s support of Gaon after Soohyun’s death was really emotional …

(They had no business in making Gaon have this kind of dream, those german scissors left a ... strong impression on him haha)

—   Kim Min Jung’s depiction of Sunah’s was hauntingly beautiful, a femme fatale who kept a broken child deep inside (and at the same time surfacing on her manners and personality) and a strong businesswoman. It’s a fascinating character i loved hating as a villain but still sympathized with. The scene where she murdered the former foundation’s president sent me chills down my spine (i still have her shot of her, sitting at his bureau and manipulating his speech video)! 

The melancholy slipping through her facade when she visited the mansion the first time in a while, as well as her devastation in front of the President’s scheme, by the young girl’s bed at the hospital were memorable. The tension between her and Yohan was incredible: they both managed to keep a very disturbing but enthralling aura, tangled with nostalgia at the same time each time they met.

(Looking at her reflection is a recurring pattern for Sunah’s character, i found this shot above interesting, divided in the two ends of the mirror, as if her self can’t be found on the other side anymore)  

—   This was the first time i saw a drama with Jin Young and i really loved his playing! Never thought I’d say one day i enjoyed someone’s tears and rage on screen, but his crying scenes stuck with me, especially in the prison yard and the last episode (he deserves therapy after all he went through, really) … And his letter to Elijah … (i’m glad nobody harshly revealed the truth to her, i’m really glad!)

I loved to see how his gaze evolved through this journey with Yohan. His endearment to Soohyun, Elijah and Yohan was very precious ;; Even though Yohan was the one who was first seen feeling lonely, Gaon’s loneliness since his parents’ death slipped through his seemingly fine world, i found that interesting! (And on a lighter note, i’ll always remember the truth behind Mrs. Ji’s cooking, Gaon’s epic reaction, and the pure comedy she gets to own a healthy food shop thanks to Yohan!!) 

I also enjoyed his supportive friendship with Jinjoo!!

—   Park Gyu Young’s acting was also on point! It’s really too bad she didn’t get more screen time because i wanted to know more about Soohyun!! I felt robbed haha, because when TDJ began airing, they introduced her as one of the ‘main’ characters of this story ;; The scene when she was on CKH’s suicide scene really left a mark on me + when she was confronting Yohan, especially after she took Elijah out!

—   Elijah. Just Elijah, our best girl!!! Apparently it’s one of Jeon Chae Eun’s first roles, she did so well!! Along with Ji Sung and Jin Young, she gave a whole new definition to the Domestic Scenes, i swear. These scenes will keep a special place in my heart for a long time! Her adorable smile and cheekiness were a refresher in this show!

(They could change TDJ’s concept in a second season and make us a domestic slice of life series, i wouldn’t mind AT ALL! Take my money!!)

Seeing her complicated relationship with her uncle unfold before us deeply moved me. The complete loneliness she silently depicted moving to her bed in the wheelchair, after Gaon left the mansion was heart-wrenching. And also the scenes after Soohyun’s death, hurting with Yohan seeing Gaon’s pain (the way she spoke her worry for the two of them, Yohan couldn’t let the words out properly to Gaon).

—   CKH’s character, played by Jang Young Nam, was amazing. Her acting already shattered me when i watched Nobody Knows! Her cold gaze, her harsh tone, she was badass i have to admit! 

The narcissistic rage was well depicted in her character, and even though i get where many’s opinions on her death come from (i share it too sometimes, but i feel it more for Sunah), i found this final decision fitting to the character, especially if you look how she treated her own son (each hold felt like a grip from rage eg. in ep. 3, as she maybe felt her son was the cause of her demise).

(HUGE SPOILERS FOR BEYOND EVIL BELOW!!!!) 

She reminded me of HKH’s ending: seeing his path to success was crushed with no way out of it except death on his own accord (in his eyes, because it was his absolute life aim, every single being, to his own wife and son, and means, even bending the justice independence, were his expendable ways to pave his path), HJW’s father was set on suicide before his son barged in. 

(Funnily enough, the filming spot for CKH’s house is the same for HKH’s house haha)

—   And also … Lawyer don’t-worry-i’ll-get-you-out-on-probation Ko deserves a round of applause for the best lawyer he is hahaha

THE STORY’S DEVELOPMENTS (AND SCRIPT). I feel like this story could very well have been developed on 20+ episodes! Even if i know some scenes in a script are sometimes (bound to be) cut in the drama, TDJ’s script leaks make me feel there was SO much more to be told, and so much more to explain some plot events in the airing drama!

Because the story was ambitious, both character and plot(twists which give you whiplash)-driven (and also the filming context with the pandemic), i feel like some choices were made.

The lines of thought about justice and the drama’s attempts at its ‘true’ definition are not lost on me. It was really interesting!

On a side note (there will be many, bear with me haha), the symbolic behind the app’s name, DIKE, which i’m pretty sure (correct me if i’m wrong, i only have some very rough basics in korean haha) is the korean romanization of Nikè, or in ancient greek Νίκη, the greek divinity of Victory ( ‘ㄴ’ in korean sounds like an ’n’ but its pronounciation is more abrupt/brisker, to the point of what could be sounding to ears like a ‘d’).

Nikè is most of the time represented as an attribute to other greek divinities who also embody the victory eg. Zeus or Athena, thus seen as a bestower of victory (in any domain, be it war, games = interestingly enough, the live court is set in a colosseum-like room, arts, …)  to the humanity on behalf of these gods (Nikè sometimes stands in her palm as an attribute of Athena, like the owl or the helmet). But sometimes Nikè was also revered an independent protective divinity.

Nikè is represented as a winged divinity in a long robe, flying above the victorious, assisting the humans in their works/challenges eg. handing them a laurel crown as a sign of victory, or a helmet, etc. Its mostly known representation is the Winged Victory of Samothrace (or The Nike of Samothrace) sculpture in the Louvre. The brand Nike also used it in its logo.

It calls back to Yohan’s line: « I make sure i win before the game starts », and in fact, since the beginning, unbeknownst to everybody witnessing the trials and participating to them, the app was his way to win. It foreshadows the ending of the story, Yohan finally taking down the foundation. It also adds to his god/devil image: he assumes the role of the intermediary/abyss of the « gods » (the Justice), taking in all the hubris of the society in order to bring the justice (well, guess we could say it put some hold to the cycle of the powerful culminating to chaos?) back, in some sort of catharsis through DIKE.

It might be a stretch, but Nikè’s winged representation could be found on Gaon’s tattoo (at first to me, it looked like a phoenix/winged angel, which symbolizes a ‘reincarnation’/new beginning for Yohan finding peace, a second chance to his past and Elijah thanks to Gaon & Gaon finding a new world even if his first crumbled ie. his parents and Soohyun’s death and professor Min’s betrayal).

(The whole virus plot by the end of the story made me feel a little uncomfortable given the actual context and the conspiracy theories that are spreading, but it wasn’t used carelessly and served the commentary of the powerful and how far they would go, i think? That said, a fiction, especially a dystopia like this, stays a fiction but when they used it, it gave me a forced laugh haha)

Now, if someone gets to translate some script bits, i’m really looking forward to:

K’s backstory!!!!!

Isaac and Yohan’s past!!!!

More about Elijah!!

Where’s the cat???

What was the script saying for Gaon and Yohan’s confrontation in ep. 12? When Yohan faced the window, waking up from a nightmare after Gaon left?

ABOUT SOOHYUN’S BACKSTORY. (Now, this will get long, i’m sorry but i needed to let my thoughts out haha) The drama introduced her as one of the four main characters with Gaon, Yohan and Sunah. I had so many expectations for her character! Especially from the three scenes we got of her:

➔ In the first episode, we see her save a young girl in the street from two men, looking up at the poster « A safe Korea will be realized from now on. »: it was a great introduction to the blatant lie of the ‘safe’ dystopian world that was being created in the story. It also showed how Soohyun felt in front of this insecure world. A side note, but seeing her hug the young girl like that reminded me the hugs she gave Gaon: she wanted to protect him from this unjust world with all her might (especially the scene in the restaurant where she hugs him). ➔ Her two confrontations with Juk Chang! ➔ Her dilemma and emotional turmoil when she erases Gaon’s presence in CKH’s office.

She was portrayed in the story as Gaon’s pillar since his parents’ tragic death and his moral compass. She’s the lawful citizen, despite feeling helpless to the world’s changes, who hopes it could be saved as long as the rule of law is preserved by everyone, and this begins by respecting it themselves. 

But she was not standing around and i kind of regret this was not shown more in the story: she kept doing her best in the « system », fighting from the inside the injustice hoping the little changes could make a difference someday. Because she couldn’t take Yohan’s path, in no way: the system/the law must be respected for it to be sustained. And i’m glad they addressed this point in the drama: Yohan chose to take on the role nobody wanted or even dared to assume, knowing fully well he became a criminal the second he began his plans (just as lawyer Ko said he was no longer a lawyer once he sided with him). 

This must not be glorified, nor vilified. As he said, it was a choice he decided to make. She mirrors his choices to some extent and i would have loved to see more of their interactions or her thoughts about that! And how she worked through the system to change things, her vision of the justice. They showed us the flashback of her career choice in high school, and it could have been interesting to learn more about her! 

A backstory about her saving the youth and meeting Sunah by accident would have been very interesting (given Sunah knew all about her since the beginning and ordered to kill her). Their meeting wouldn’t have foreshadowed Sunah’s plans, quite the opposite, and it would have given more ‘substance’ to her plans. We were robbed of this relationship haha! 

And of course, seeing her side with Yohan & Gaon for a short while (because seeing her team up with them all along the way could’ve been a little ooc) would have been dope. Her arresting Juk Chang while the two of them stop the gang was the closest thing we had to their teamwork ;;

Among the drama’s main focuses (the self-pity of the powerful and the never-ending cycle of their greed, the power displays it ensues which come in many forms in the system’s game), the conception of justice was developed all along the drama. It would have been really interesting to see whether Soohyun’s conception of justice could have changed in her own way!

And professor Min’s potential manipulation of Soohyun!!! Some scenes on their interactions could have been nice to see and explain why she focused solely on Yohan, the only side of the whole story she knew! Her reporting to the professor about her investigation (and him feeling she got too close to the truth) would have made sense because, as she saw Gaon growing apart from her as he was getting closer to the Kangs (especially since she saw him interact with Elijah when they invited her to the café, like Sunah saw how Gaon fit in their family at the dinner scene), she would’ve wanted to protect him without him knowing because she knew it’d have hurt him. It could have paralleled Gaon’s reports on Yohan to the professor at the beginning of the drama. And that could have explained (aside from the whole love triangle dynamics they had) her reluctance to tell Gaon Yohan was the one who told her his whereabouts when he was in danger in ep. 13 ; this scene also was one of the only moments addressing the lack of communication in their relationship. Seeing her feeling confused over Yohan could have been interesting!

(This also got me wondering whether in the script, Yohan’s injury was ever addressed.)

Also, i’m curious about her family, if the script mentions something about them: did they know Gaon?

About the loveline between Gaon and Soohyun: while the friendship could have stayed as is (it already felt pretty genuine in my opinion and strong friendships also deserve to be portrayed in stories), i’m convinced this drama wanted to set Gaon as the center of a subtext love & morality triangle between Soohyun and Yohan (and K and Sunah on Yohan’s part). I think i would’ve appreciated Gaon and Soohyun’s loveline so much more if they developed it more! And it had to develop in the very same episode she died: apart from the confession and kiss scene (i’m curious about the scene’s description in the script), the flashback of their moments, seen from Gaon’s pov, came just right in to ‘explain’ it! 

Of course it wasn’t the main focus of the story and there was already so much happening, but their new relationship development and her death almost had no impact on me even if it was set as a turning point for Gaon (and K for Yohan, as a cement to their respective decision to fight the system and how they would do it), and it made me really really sad! Of course it was a plot device (and i now wonder what would’ve happened if she or K wasn’t dead), but if it was bound to happen, the emotional impact was lessened!

Jinjoo’s character development and her relationship with Sunah happened really really fast, and i wonder how the script describes it!

Sunah’s involvement with the juvenile care center!!!  Her scene at the hospital left me really sad.

(Also, on the love plot, Gaon and Yohan jealousy bits weren’t used later as an expression of their envy towards the other’s status/life/etc. and were actually directed to people outside ie. Sunah/K/Soohyun in the plot, which makes me think they really wanted to set it as a love triangle!)

ABOUT SUNAH’S DEATH. I feel really really conflicted on this point. Her story was a parallel to CKH (and of course Yohan, i’ll talk about it below): two women — coming from totally opposite backgrounds — climbing their way up by their own means in this power circle. And despite all their accomplishments unnoticed (because they were the ones seeing through their plans while the others were mainly seen tearing each other into pieces), they could still be ruthlessly ejected from this world any day, part of it because they were belittled as women all the same, and chose to end her life on her own accord, still having agency over it. 

As someone else pointed it out, it also acts as a « poetic » retribution for her murder of Soohyun and K. BUT her exiting the scene in some other way staying alive could have contrasted with CKH’s suicide (especially since she overthrew the president who was the only one on her side getting in her way and even killed him in the end). Especially in a show that deals about how the justice can be carried out!

Of course, Yohan and Sunah were a foil to each other in their respective fights and traumatic past: the drama showed us how having someone to reach out to and protect (Elijah, Isaac and Gaon to Yohan ; Soohyun, Yohan and Elijah to Gaon) can become a driving force. Sunah, despite thinking this could be a weakness, also longed for companionship (from Yohan mainly, but also from Jaehee), and had no one to stop her crossing the line and preserve her from herself and the world. At least someone hearing her story, staying by her side and trying to understand her. 

Each time she said ‘can you be a little nicer to me?’ to Yohan made me feel for her (and also that one call with Jaehee), it was the only cries of loneliness she silently let out!

On a totally random note, i would have loved to see her interact more with Gaon (especially by the end of ep. 15, when Yohan was arrested)!

The story gladly didn’t end Yohan’s traumatic past and growth in death, but what about Sunah? In any case, Sunah was a really good and complex character, i enjoyed her character!

What about Jaehee? How did she react to Sunah’s death???

What about CKH’s family after her death???

I would have loved to hear more about Sunah’s plans as well! Scenes where she would play with Gaon for example (in Yohan’s presence or not, like at the photoshoot)! 

(This comment above foreshadowed, along with the dinner scene in ep. 11, she used him all along!)

Her involvement behind the scenes was only exposed in ep. 15 but i wanted to know more about her (motivations aside from her focus on Yohan, what did she plan to do before finding out a look-alike to Isaac, ...)! Given the elements in the plot, i get the idea she planned this whole business with the foundation first to reach the top and wanted to bring Yohan up with her (eg. leading the foundation or becoming the president) or down without her along the way, because she wanted his companionship. Maybe the script expands on it more? Did she really believe in the Dream Home project? Because as we saw her speech in the juvenile care center and her strong reaction to the youth being harmed in these schemes, i believe she kinda wanted to protect them as the best revenge on her past, because nobody could do it for her?  

THE ENDING SCENE. The ending was pretty good and didn’t give us an all-out tragedy, so i’m really glad! I still can’t believe Gaon was ready to blow his life away once he learnt Yohan’s death AND wanted to die with him (falsely) realizing Yohan wouldn’t change his mind, dead set on his decision (no pun intended!). And Yohan’s reaction to this ............... Now, their last scene is left to the viewers’ interpretation, but it felt to me like a new beginning to Yohan and Gaon’s relationship! As it was already said by many people on tumblr, Yohan wasn’t sure if Gaon would still be by his side despite it all, and he didn’t expect Gaon to feel this way. They’ll definitely meet again, it’s a promise of more in the future (especially Yohan’s nod, on the verge of tears and Gaon’s two relieved/endeared smiles, full of forgiveness). Gaon will join his new world once he’s done or they’ll come back to him once Elijah’s recovered.

And this game of hide and seek/hunt reflected their relationship development: Yohan felt unattainable at first, but he chased after him in the maze that was his devilish game, symbolized by the crowd, chasing him motivated by his suspicion, curiosity, anger and hate, disbelief and disappointment, empathy, worry, affection, desperation and love, until he finally reached him and they understood each other among all the crowd, living metaphorically in the same time, facing each other on the same (ground) level.

(A scene in the first episode, Gaon seeing a maze of Yohan’s reflections, maybe symbolizing he could not see through his facade in the beginning, being an enigma to him at first sight ; the choice of the reflections in the mirrors through the drama is interesting and reflects the story: depending on the angles, a story can hold as many meanings as there are points of view, the complete image surfacing once everybody’s story is told)

(Just like how, in ep. 4, Yohan shows Gaon the wicked system right under their noses, Gaon’s enraged and confused gaze directed right at Yohan after they all block his view by clinking glasses ; Yohan hoped he would understand what lies beneath but Gaon understands it fully through his own past in ep. 7-8)

(The crowd is cleared from their/our view in the final scene, leaving the two of them facing each other without any obstacle/reflection on their path)

Gaon kept Yohan’s watch all the time even in moments of doubt, sorrow and rage (the best PPL in drama history so far haha), Yohan finally got to Gaon and entered his world as Soohyun did, reaching out when he needed it the most, to stop him doing something he would regret deeply. It was symbolized by the scar he got on his left hand from preventing Gaon from stabbing him (that’s also why he caresses his scar in a bittersweet way, lost in thoughts, reminding him of their last meeting).

As @i-guess-it-rains said + according to the BTS’ editing (it passed off as a joke but i can’t erase it from my brain now haha),  the way the scene where Yohan defused Gaon’s bomb was framed looked at the same time like Yohan was also carefully handling Gaon’s heart (the bomb countdown clock radiating a red glow on his chest), on the verge of exploding. Now i have The Nights lyrics in my head haha (« My heart is going back to you, i just don’t know »)

On another note, i realized that in ep. 12, after Gaon left, he’s seen trying to call Soohyun in order to reach for her since their last confrontation, but right before, his finger glides over his contact, hesitating on Yohan’s contact before choosing to call Soohyun.

While in ep. 8, he only reaches out to Soohyun after his breakdown in the prison yard (without thinking to call Yohan because he was in the core of his doubts and pain at that time and needed space to reflect on all the events):

And it parallels to Sunah attempting to reach out to Jaehee in her loneliness at the top, hesitating before deciding to call her.

Now i hope TDJ will be on Netflix! It’d be very nice to get to watch the drama in high quality and have more people to see it!

I heard it got a webtoon adaptation so i also look forward to it once it will be translated!

A SECOND SEASON? When i first saw the ending, i thought it got wrapped up nicely and didn’t « need » another season, but it also left some parts open and laid out a new background for further developments (the system repeats itself but in another form, Yohan leaves the scene with his signature smile, maybe up to something else again, saying metaphorically or irl to Gaon he’ll come back if he doesn’t do well), kinda like Stranger/Forest of Secrets s1 or The Guest ending (the corruption doesn’t end there). I also heard it got high viewing rates in SK, so maybe it will be taken into account? And well, i’ll miss the cast so i would welcome the idea haha

THE SOUNDTRACK. The whole OST was stellar (and their titles are on point really!)! Getting to hear it without voices or noise over and with my headphones on made me realize it was even more beautiful! Because I Have You, Warmth That Melts Loneliness and If Only… are the end of me (especially If Only aaaaaaa)! Don’t get me started on Enemy of Truth’s title to the OST playing for the church fire because it’s devastating ;;;

If Only’s title … It leaves us filling in the blank space, the dots to Gaon’s thoughts when he learns about Yohan’s past and how it impacts him to this day.

The 4 songs were amazing (there’s also Different from the Outside but i still didn’t get its lyrics). Tempest was definitely etched in my mind as TDJ’s main theme haha And The Nights was my favorite!  

➔ Tempest was Yohan’s iconic theme and depicted his lonely path to revenge after the tragic events in his life, and his (fated) encounter with Gaon, how deeply it will change him in this journey in ways he didn’t expect. It perfectly introduces (with Chet Faker and Flume’s Drop the game) and concludes the drama!

➔ What you gonna do was THE revenge epic song making everyone revel in the ‘bad guys’ despair and Yohan’s badass moves! 

➔ The Nights felt like it was both Yohan and Gaon’s theme and Gaon’s sorrow after Soohyun’s death: at first i thought it was only Yohan’s, but his revenge and the last episodes proved me wrong! The song’s lyrics mirrored themselves (‘my/your night shines on you/me’), as if a complete understanding between Yohan and Gaon was found on their dark road. Yohan’s night shines on Gaon: Yohan’s broken past and all his misunderstood or hidden sides, his dedication to Elijah. Yohan’s rage (almost wrath since the biblical and god symbolism are there haha) and desire to take the inique system down waked Gaon’s own rage, buried deep inside, and made him move forward too. Gaon’s night shines on Yohan: all the time he spent with the Kangs, Gaon’s deep empathy and understanding, helping him reconnect with his niece, their dinners at night, his rage exploding when the truth about his parents was revealed, his desperation on the last two episodes (in ep. 15, seeing Gaon’s realization everything was a lie and Yohan was innocent, and in ep. 16, Gaon wanting to die by his side). Gaon’s night also shined on Soohyun, who wanted to protect him with all she got each time she saw him crumbling down.

There was still light on their dark road (which looks like a callback to Nightmare’s lyrics, « Save me from myself / Save me from this darkness that has lost its light »).

➔ Nightmare felt like it was Yohan and Sunah’s theme. When it last played when Sunah’s death happened on screen, it left me speechless (and if i remember correctly, the ‘save me from myself’ bit was played right when she shot herself … o u c h)!

[musette22]

OKAY so I just learned that Scott Evans is gay (how did I not know this???) so what if Scott was the first person Chris told when he realized he may possibly be bi, and Scott helped him come to terms with it (and get some Romanian ass)

OKAY so, I kid you not, I had the exact same idea when I was in the shower this morning and when I came out, I saw you sent this ask. So then of course I had to write a thing. I realize I could’ve written it from any point in the past, but I had just seen that video of Chris rolling on the floor laughing, and I thought, why not make the most of that bright spot in these weird times and continue where that video left of? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hope you enjoy this! It was meant to be a short little drabble, but of course it turned out over 2k 🙄 so most of it will be under the cut!

*******************************

Scott giggles to himself as he posts the video to his Twitter and Instagram. He has no doubt that Chris laughing his ass off on the floor is going to put a smile on so many people’s faces – something that’s sorely needed right about now.

Chris, having exhausted himself, is stretched out on the couch next to him right now, Dodger lying on the floor next to him. The rest of the family is playing board games in the living room, but Chris and Scott decided that a movie night was in order. For a moment, Scott just watches his brother, until Chris notices and turns his head, meeting his eyes.

“What?” he asks.

“Nothin’.”

Chris kicks him gently in the thigh. “Come on, out with it.”

“Suit yourself,” Scott shrugs. “How are you doing, Chris?”

Chris frowns, a wrinkle appearing between his eyebrows. “What do you mean, how am I doing?” he asks. “I’ve got my family around me, we’re having a movie night, I just rolled around on the floor laughing. I’d say I’m doing pretty well.”  

“Okay, but how are you really doing?” Scott presses.

“We talk every day,” Chris says obstinately. When Scott doesn’t answer, instead just giving him a pointed look, Chris’s expression turns thoughtful, like he’s really considering his answer. “I mean,” he starts, picking up his beer from the floor next to the couch and propping it on his stomach, “you know I’m no good at just sitting on my ass, but I know why I’m doin’ it, so it’s okay. And I get to spend some quality time with my family and my dog so I really can’t complain.”

“Sure,” Scott allows, nodding slowly. “But this has been a weird time for you, hasn’t it? Leaving Cap behind, going into politics, then everything suddenly being cancelled at the last minute… Must leave you feeling a bit unsettled, right?” Holding up a finger, he adds, “I know we talk every day, but it’s been a while since we actually had time to do some soul searching together. Like we used to, remember?” He smiles at the memory. “We’d sneak off to the attic with a few bags of chips and some coke and talk about our feelings” – he makes sure to inflect that last word with as much dramatic flair as he can muster, which is quite a lot of it – “while everyone thought we were playing video games or looking at porn or whatever it is ‘normal’ teenage boys do.”

Chris is smiling too now, soft, just a hint of melancholy to it. “’Course I remember. Had some of the most eye-opening conversations of my life in that attic.” He bumps Scott’s leg with his foot again. “It’s where you came out to me, Scottie. That’s not something I’m gonna forget any time soon.”

Scott hums in reply. He has fond memories of that afternoon, too. “So?” he asks after a while. “You wanna tell me how you’re really doing?”

Looking a little hesitant, Chris says, “I don’t know what to tell you that you don’t already know.”

“Sure you do,” Scott says easily. “How ‘bout you start with telling me why you were going around telling everyone you were going to take a break from acting, only to then sign up to two big new projects in the past month or so?”

Chris picks at the label of his beer bottle, looking a little sheepish. “Ah,” he says. “I was kinda hoping everyone’d forgotten about that.” He sighs, dragging a hand over his face. “I mean, I was honestly planning on taking a break, but then I had a couple of weeks off and I just- I just realized I would have all this free time on my hands and no one to spend it with, you know?”

There it is, Scott thinks.

Chris is lonely. He’s good at pretending he’s fine on his own, happy with Dodger to keep him company and spending as much time with his family as he can. But deep down, he longs to have someone to love. Someone to settle down with. It’s just how he’s wired.

“I know,” Scott replies honestly. “You’ve been on your own for a while now, Chris. That isn’t like you.”

“No,” Chris sighs again, “no, it’s not. It’s just… it’s hard, meeting new people. Especially in our business.”

Scott huffs out a laugh. “I appreciate your attempt at inclusive language, but I think we both know that even though you and I might be technically in the same business, your experiences are very different from mine. I’m an actor, you’re a superstar.” He pauses a moment before adding, “Also, I’m gay, you’re not.”

Chris doesn’t reply straight away. “Anyway,” he says eventually, “point is, I’m just so tired of that perpetual cycle of meeting someone, getting to know someone, wondering if this might be it, and then having it all fall apart again. I just don’t know I can do all that again. It’s never worked out before, so why would the next time be different?”

“Okay, now you’re just being defeatist,” Scott remarks, giving his brother an unimpressed look. “Not to mention dramatic. Look, why don’t you let me set you up with someone, huh? I know you think that’s weird, but I know so many amazing women who’d jump at the chance to date you. All you have to do is give them a chance.”

“I don’t wanna give them a chance,” Chris mutters sullenly. “I’m sure they’re lovely but I just…” He makes a frustrated sound. “I just don’t think I want to meet anyone new right now.”

“But you just basically said you’re lonely,” Scott cries, throwing his hands up. “And I know you want to get married and have a family, because you talk about it all the goddamn time.” He sighs, and in a softer tone continues, “Look, I know it’s hard, but you will have to get out there again if you want to have that future. You know that right?”

Chris inhales deeply through his nose, rubbing a hand over his newly-buzzed head. “Yeah.”

“Unless…” Scott says.

Chris’s eyes flicker to Scott’s face. “Unless what?”

Watching Chris closely, Scott says, “Unless, maybe you don’t want to meet anyone new because you’re still hung up on someone old?”

Silence.

Chris averts his eyes, staring at the ceiling.

Scott gives him a disbelieving look. “Fuck, Chris. You’re kidding me, right? Are you honestly still carrying a torch for one of your exes?”

Chris doesn’t reply, which is an answer in itself. “Oh my god, you totally are. Who is it? Jesus, I bet it’s Minka, isn’t it?”

Immediately, Chris shakes his head. “No, it’s not Minka.”

“Oh. Hmm. Jenny? Is it because she’s getting married? Is that what brought this on?”

“God–” Chris lets out a frustrated huff, sitting up and rubbing both his hands over his face. “No, Scott, it isn’t Jenny and no, I don’t care that she’s getting married. I’m happy for her, truly.”

Scott deflates a little. “Okay, well. Then who is it?”

“It’s –” Chris starts, then stops again, swallowing hard.

Scott waits – not exactly patiently, but he knows he needs to give Chris time to gather his thoughts. When Chris sighs again, it’s wearier than Scott has heard him in a long time.

“Do you remember,” Chris says finally, “in 2016, after I came back from that press tour in Asia, and you picked me up from the airport and you said… You said I was glowing?”

Scott nods, thinking back to that time four years ago. “Yeah,” he says slowly, “I remember thinking you looked the happiest I’d probably ever seen you. I thought you must’ve just really liked China.”

Chris huffs a laugh that lacks any real mirth. “Yeah, it wasn’t just China.”

“Did you meet someone in China?” Scott’s eyes widen. “Oh my god, did some Chinese girl sweep you off your feet and break your heart? She the one that got away?”

This time, Chris actually laughs. “No, no Chinese girls either. Sorry to burst your bubble.”

“Then tell me,” Scott presses, bumping their shoulders together gently. “What happened? Who happened?”

This time, Chris is silent for so long that Scott thinks he’s probably hoping they’ll just drop the topic altogether.

But then, after a full minute, Chris opens his mouth. “Scott…” he says, sounding pained. “Please believe me when I say that I didn’t purposely keep this from you. I swear I would’ve told you if things had turned out differently, but… they didn’t. And I didn’t know if – I still don’t know if… what it was.” He finally lifts his head, turning to look at him, a pleading look in his eyes. “That’s why I never told you, because I was just – I was very confused. Still am. I’m so sorry.”

Frowning, Scott searches Chris’s drawn face. “You were confused? About what, Chris? What had you so confused that you’d be scared to tell your own brother – Oh.”

Scott feels his jaw drop, comprehension breaking over him like a wave. Chris, meanwhile, looks miserable, looking at him like he thinks Scott is going to punch him in the nose and storm out.

They’re both silent for a minute. Dodger, sensing Chris’s distress, has sat up, resting his head on Chris’s thigh in an attempt to comfort him.

“Oh, Chris,” Scott says finally. “You should’ve just told me, you big idiot.”

“I know,” Chris says, hanging his head. “I should’ve. You have every right to be mad at me.”

“Oh no.” Scott shakes his head. “I’m not mad at you, Chris. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel right now. I’d be a massive dick if I turned on you now, wouldn’t I?”

“Yeah, but I still should’ve told you,” Chris says stubbornly.  

“You should’ve,” Scott agrees, “but I understand why you didn’t. It was hard for me when I was seventeen and a nobody. I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been for you these past few years, being who you are.”

The look Chris gives him at that is tentatively hopeful. “You really aren’t mad?”

“No. I just wish you’d have told me so I could’ve been there for you when you were hurting.”

“Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m still hurting. So technically, you could be there for me now.”

Scott punches Chris in his stupidly well-developed shoulder. “Well, then you’d better start talking.”

Chuckling wetly, Chris nods. He sits back, leaning heavily into the couch cushions and absently petting Dodger’s head.

He draws in a deep breath. “It’s –”

“– Sebastian,” Scott interrupts.

This time, it’s Chris’s jaw that drops. He blinks at Scott for a second. “You knew?” he asks, sounding almost accusing.

“Not until just now. But you coming out to me and mentioning that Asia press tour…” Scott shrugs. “It makes sense. That kid gives off some serious bi vibes. Plus, something tells me you’d be just his type.”

Chris gives him a wry smile. “As it turns out, he’s just my type, too.”

“Now that you mention it,” Scott says, cocking his head thoughtfully, “he really is, isn’t he?”  

“Yeah.” Chris smiles, his eyes getting this dreamy, faraway look in them that Scott hasn’t seen for a long time.

“Oh boy,” he says, sucking in a breath through his teeth. “He really did a number on you, didn’t he? Fuck, Chris. I can’t believe I never noticed.”

“Well,” Chris says, hitching his right shoulder up to his ear. “I am an actor. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I know how to hide something I really don’t want anyone to see.”

“Clearly.”

“Besides,” Chris continues, ignoring him, “he didn’t exactly do a number on me. I was the one who was too scared, too cowardly to stick to my guns. I just couldn’t do it.” He shakes his head, as if he still can’t believe what he’d done. “We started sleeping together a couple of years before, but it was never serious. We just – ended up in each other’s beds a few times, I guess. Well, a lot of times. But on that press tour, something changed. We grew closer, and we were happy, and I wanted it to work. God, I wanted it so bad, but everything seemed so daunting, and I didn’t know what was going to happen after Marvel and the press and the internet were already vicious enough as it was. I just couldn’t deal with the thought of amplifying all of that by like, a gazillion.” His voice grows progressively quieter as he goes on. ��So I fucked it up, and I let him go. And I miss him, every day.” The last words are barely more than a whisper.

Scott reaches out, wrapping an arm around Chris’s hunched shoulders pulling him closer. “I’m so sorry, Chris.”

Chris sniffs, shakes his head. “Don’t be,” he says, “it was my own stupid fault.”

“Come on,” Scott protests, shaking Chris a little. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You weren’t ready, back then. It sucks, but that’s just how it was. You can’t change the past.” He pauses, before softly adding, “But you might be able to change your future?”

Giving him a sidelong glance, Chris asks, “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Scott says slowly, you and Sebastian are still friendly, right? You didn’t fuck things up so bad that he never wanted to talk to you again.”

“No, I sort of… Let him down gently, I think. He seemed to take it alright, but…”

“He’s an actor, too,” Scott finishes sagely. “I just think that if you really fell so hard for the guy that you’re still not over him years later, then you guys must’ve had a real connection, right?”

This time, Chris’s face almost crumples. “Yeah,” he says, sounding utterly forlorn. “Scott, I – I think I loved him. I think I love him.”

For a moment, Scott is stunned. “God, Chris,” he breathes. “Now there’s something I never thought I’d hear you say. I gotta tell you, as much as I know this sucks for you, it’s kind of amazing for me.” Realizing how that sounds, he makes a face. “Sorry. This isn’t about me, I do know that. Please continue.”

Chris barks out a laugh, bumping their knees together amicably. “It’s okay, I get it. Believe me, it’s a bit of a trip for me, too.”

“Phew, okay. So. You love him,” Scott says simply. Chris winces beside him. “Do you think he loves you? Or loved you, a least?”

“I don’t know. I mean, maybe? He said as much, back in Singapore, but then when it ended, he just seemed to move on pretty quickly. So I don’t know.”

“Chris,” Scott says dryly, “I think if he said he loved you, you can assume he loved you. The guy was probably as devastated as you were but just didn’t want to let on, especially since you guys would still be working together after that.”

Chris stares at a spot on the coffee table, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. “Maybe you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right,” Scott says, “When have I ever been wrong?” He ignores the deadpan look Chris gives him. “So, my next question would be, is Sebastian single right now?”

A pause.

“I think so,” Chris replies eventually. “I haven’t spoken to him in a while but…”

“But?”

“I’ve spoken to Mackie,” Chris admits, looking a little guilty. “They’ve been filming together, these last few months, and I… I may have called him a few times to check how things were going.”

“To check if Sebastian was doing alright, you mean?”

“I mean, not just that. Mackie and I are friends too, you know.”

“Sure,” Scott smirks. “Okay, so according to Mackie he’s single. According to my latest intelligence, you, Christopher, are also single.”

“… Yes.”

“Yes,” Scott nods. “So what do you think I’m going to suggest you do, right now?”

Chris scrunches up his face. “Call Sebastian?”

“Call Sebastian.”

Chris blows out a long, slow breath. “Okay,” he says. “I guess I could give him a call to check how he’s holding up, under the circumstances. That wouldn’t be weird, right?”

“Of course not,” Scott says decidedly. “These are strange times, they remind us of what’s really important to us. If anything, I think he’ll be very glad to hear from you right now.”

“Okay,” Chris says again, nodding as if he’s trying to convince himself. “I’m gonna do it.”

“Yay,” Scott says, doing an excited little wiggle. “God, I love this.”

“This?”

“Talking about cute boys with my big brother. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Chris fondly rolls his eyes at him. He silent for a moment, before he looks at Scott curiously. “You think he’s cute?”

“Are you kidding me?” Scott says incredulously. “He is delicious. Lord, I probably would’ve tapped myself that if I’d had the chance.”

“Hey.”

Scott holds up his hands. “Okay, sorry, I get it. Back off, he’s yours.”

A soft, almost mushy look steals over Chris’s face. “Yeah,” he says quietly. “I hope so.”

A thought occurs to Scott suddenly. “Oh. My. God.”

“What? What is it?” Chris asks, looking alarmed.

“I can’t believe all those tinhatters on the internet figured this out before I did. About my own brother.”

“Oh god,” Chris groans, “please don’t remind me of the internet right now.”

Scott chuckles. “You know the internet’s opinion doesn’t matter, right? The only opinions that matter here are you and Sebastian’s. Fuck everyone else.” Reaching over to grab Chris’s phone from the coffee table, Scott hands it to Chris. “Now, go get ‘em, tiger. Go get your boy.”

Chris gives him a brittle but hopeful smile. “Wish me luck.”

Scott gets up off the couch and leans down to press a kiss to Chris’s fuzzy kiwi head. “Good luck, big bro.”

He notices Chris’s hands are shaking as he scrolls through his contacts, but he doesn’t comment, instead making to leave the room to give Chris some privacy. Before the door closes fully behind him, he hears Chris start to talk.

“Hey, Seb. It’s me, Chris. How, how’ve you been?” There’s a pause. “Yeah, I’m sorry it’s been a while. I just. I wanted to check how you’re holding up. And, um.” A shaky inhale, and then, softly, “I- I miss you.”

Scott smiles to himself as he pulls the door closes behind him. Something tells him they’ll be alright.

[bookworm-2692]

About a week ago I finally finished bookbinding @airdeari‘s beautiful Zero Escape fic The First Nonary Game. It took about a month (between all the waiting for glue to dry and also several days each week when I was unable to work on it), and was so much fun! It’s so satisfying to just... hold this book in my hands. 

Details about how I made it, along with additional photos (and commentary) below the cut.

So I came across this post on Tumblr, which immediately inspired me to try bookbinding myself. I spent a few days watching so many tutorials from the youtube channel linked in the post (I’ll link the specific tutorials I used in this post), and googling how to actually manage to print pages so they form proper signatures, because the inbuilt booklet creator in Word doesn’t exist in my Word apparently so that’s fun.

Anyway, once I started, I asked @airdeari for permission to print and bind his fic, and he immediately said yes, so that was good. Then I spent a good couple of days copying the entire fic into a Word document, and fiddling with formatting so it would look like an actual book (section breaks, page numbers, headers with the fic title on the left page and chapter title on the right page (this took ages to work and I kept on stuffing it up), and making sure things just... looked nice. I added in the art After The War that @keycrash created specifically for the fic (third pic above), and an “afterword” containing credit and links and the author’s notes from AO3 (because even if I’m the only one who will ever see it, it still feels weird to not add the credit stuff in so it’s there).

I then saved the document as a PDF, and used CheapImposter to correctly shuffle (impose, hence “imposter”) the pages so when folded into signatures, each page would be in the correct order. This program was the first free one I could find, and was great because you could specify the number of sheets you want per signature, rather than stuck with a default. I chose to have 11 signatures of 6 sheets of paper, since that was the amount that would have the least blank pages and the end of the book. The file was 261 pages, so with two pages per side, and two sides per sheet, you divide the number of pages by 4 to get 66 sheets of paper

I then printed. There was only one (1) paper jam in the process, which was great. Unfortunately, I realised after I printed that one of the headers for one chapter was wrong (I hadn’t properly disconnected the two chapters), but fortunately that only involved reprinting 4 sheets of paper.

I used the following tutorials to make the books: DIY Textblock, a general “how to make a textblock” tutorial; DIY Kettle Stitch, a specific look at the stitching for a textblock, since the first tutorial doesn’t focus on this; DIY Book Cloth, since I chose to use fabric for my cover; and DIY Hardcover Book, how to put all those pieces together.

So then I started folding all the signatures. I was watching so much Brooklyn Nine-Nine during both the folding and stitching sections, since it was repetitive actions I didn’t need to concentrate on that lasted hours.

It was at this point that I sliced each signature one by one to make the end smoother and less pointy. In future I recommend not doing it at this point - wait until the very end. Instead, move straight onto stitching. 

I don’t have any photos of the stitching portion, since my phone died the morning I started the stitching, and I wasn’t able to replace it until after all the stitching was done. In fact, originally all the photos from before the stitching were lost too. It was only about two days ago that magically the My Photo Stream thing kicked in and brought back all the photos - if it had worked two weeks earlier I would’ve had more. As it is, all photos from September to January are gone forever, unfortunately. But that’s another discussion entirely.

The above is the first book photo on my new phone, so as you can see, all the stitching was completed, the spine was glued, and the purple paper attached. I couldn’t buy two A4 sheets, so instead I had to buy one A3 sheet and cut it in half. Which was difficult cycling home from the city with an A3 sheet that didn’t fit in my bag on account of being A3 and not A4, but oh well.

I don’t have a book press, so I used a pile of DND books and my brother’s weights instead, as shown below.

I then had to re-slice the book after this point bc my first go wasn’t even, on account of slicing each signature separately. Next time definitely I’ll just do it at the end like this. I then also sanded it to make it smoother. It’s still not perfect, but it’s something that’ll take practice and patience so.

Next I made the book cloth, which involves using appliqué sheets to combine cotton fabric and tissue paper. But first I want to talk about the fabric I chose for the cover, because I’m quite proud of it. I spent ages wandering around the shop, trying to find something that fit the feel of the book. Spoilers for the content of the fic if you haven’t read it yet, and also for the source material (999/Zero Escape). I was thinking about some sort of blue swirl thing, because of the Gigantic sinking. I found that, but hesitated because it didn’t fully fit, and my favourite colour is blue so I always pick blue. I also considered flames/fire because of the incinerator thing, but couldn’t find any. I can’t remember if I just couldn’t find any four leaf clover fabric, or if I’ve just since thought about that as a cover. But instead I chose the butterflies below. They fit in several subtle ways that I’m proud of. The colours of blue and pink(/red) matching the receiver and transmitter coding all throughout 999, as well as the moments of purple as well (I don’t think I need to get into that, I’m sure it was analysed to hell and back when the game first came out). The butterflies also point towards the butterfly effect, and in turn the different timelines present in the series. So together it just works. /spoilers over

It’s also just a pretty fabric.

Now the making of the book cloth. I had to make it twice, because I was too impatient the first time, so the iron was too hot and it steamed, which wrinkled and warped the tissue paper, so the fabric was all wrinkly too. The second time took ages and was a worse quality appliqué sheet, but worked well enough anyway.

(My parents: did you have the iron out? what were you ironing? you never iron)

And then I cut the book board to size, using the measurements from the tutorial video. I’ll repeat them here: front and back cover: width = width of textblock minus 3mm, and height = height of textblock plus 6mm, and spine width = width of textblock spine, spine height = same height as covers

I then glued the board onto the book cloth, and put it under the book press. The dnd books are not large enough to cover the whole thing, and also I really wanted the board to stay flat and not curl, so I grabbed way more dnd books and way more of my brother’s weights. I also accidentally started putting the glue on the wrong side of the board (bc one side is smooth and the other is rough), hence the colour difference as well.

The corners were cut and folded and glued over...

And then the textblock was glued in, and put in my book press for a whole weekend. I added a sheet of paper to absorb the glue so the pages wouldn’t become wrinkly, but instead the sheet I added was fine and every other page in the book is wrinkly. So I dunno what happened there. After the weekend I took it out and looked at it, and then put it back for another week to be sure.

And then the complete book is shown at the top of the post!

As I was starting I was talking a lot about it, like about the process I had to go through, or how I was going to obtain what I needed, etc. Mum asked if she could read the story. I froze, like a deer in the headlights... because this is a fanfic. She saw my fear and immediately backed down, explaining she only wanted to read it because if the story was that important to me that I was going to literally turn it into a book, she wanted to read it to yknow like know me better or something? Which makes sense. And when I got over my initial reaction, and remembered that indeed it was technically my dad who introduced me to fanfic, and thought about it more, I said okay. Because since the fic is technically a prequel to the first game, and most of the characters are technically OC’s (like, from the first game we know that all eighteen children must exist, but most of them don’t have names or anything so they are effectively OC’s), then knowledge of source material isn’t strictly necessary. This fic can probably be enjoyed on its own. I mean I’ll probably have to explain the concept of morphogenetic fields, and the last four chapters might not make sense? But I’m okay for my mum to read it. So when she’s less busy at work I’m going to download the epub onto her phone for her - we’ll see how it goes.

Anyway, this fic is a masterpiece, extremely well written and I highly recommend it. As said, most of the characters are effectively OC’s, and yet they are all given such rich histories and personalities. All of them have access to the morphogenetic field, so I’m just so glad that @airdeari​ explores nine unique relationships with the field - nine unique sibling dynamics, and esper powers and abilities. It’s just so good.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

comet, moon, pluto, aquila, protostar

Thank You vm

Comet- What are you currently frustrated about?

lmaooo oh you know at any given time i’m weaving this rich tapestry of continual frustrations lol.....i’d say i’m in an Upswing Period of [simmering frustration levels closer to the surface] lately too lol like earlier in the week i pushed through a day or two there more casually but then it was like ah jeez here comes the malaise. more specifically today, even just before sitting down to answer this, i emerged from the bathroom to find there was a “dog has pooped inside despite having been outside within the last 10 min” shituation, which was wonderful.....annoyed from Waking by “smh at not being able to adjust my nocturnality, still frustrated about the near success of last friday being thwarted by the dead of night hammering debacle,” & regular Antagonizing Audio issues, aka being stressed by both the [loud, alarming] type sound & the [gross textural misophonia hell] type.....earlier i was like “where is the dish sponge” (still don’t know) & went to get a new, packaged one which had been in a drawer, but that one was gone too, good that there’s no pressing need to wash dishes rn i guess.....still struggling with the “well i guess i’m trying to put myself out there Socially” attempt to find relevant public discords, being generally overwhelmed as actually talking to randos in a group is A Lot & in theory it’s like well you meet someone Specific you’d enjoy talking to & branch off from there but unfortunately you can’t just skip to that step, also i do not genuinely Expect to get to that step either way, also i am not easily finding servers in the 1st place b/c it’s like, well i talk about Interests but what am i interested in? who knows. don’t do art “seriously” enough to rly wanna discuss it much, thought abt Language Learning but one i found wants you to have a verified account lmao like, no thanks. in theory i enjoy Socializing some but in practice it is sure a trial & i have not said anything to anyone anywhere yet, just a “well, not sure what else i could do here situation,” in theory take up an In Person hobby / group to make it all easier but that’s not happening. which, i was also Frustrated remembering oh right i spent a year as measured by my personal age in 1 location, both Pandemic & other [society] problems, & speaking of Interests & Hobbies not having them, i was also >:| over something having kicked in my Math Sensibilities (aka that i like math) & wondering like, would i have enjoyed getting more into math / some particular application, who knows, same but also even more so re: other things i get the sense i’m quite Into, like learning languages & ~performing arts~, which, i at least took math / math related classes into college level courses, which is not true for those other things (took a Language Class: never, took a theatre / drama class: for 1/4 of the schoolyear in 7th grade, & prior to that, just did a scene or two of a play in english class 4th grade, & the approx decade extracurricular of ballet, which is related but of course a different thing. anyhow, annoyed that i Simply Do Not Know & hardly see opportunities to find out on the horizon, although who knows.....which is related to being frustrated about [Society] some more like, thinking about “boy how different would it be if people were guaranteed the right to Essentials For Life like housing, food, medical care, both electricity & the internet Now A Days...” like, agonizing What If there, it is all so unnecessary that It Is Like This......just now someone made an unnecessary Post lmfao thank you xkit.......oh right, i was Frustrated, with an emphasis In Aro / Ace, about Media & Life, what else is new & then, you know, musings on The Theoretical Future & One’s Personal Past that would become even more of a like, audioscape: therapy session topic, these are frustrating things. and all of this answer has been stuff i remember getting Frustrated about in the past 24 hours. Also!!! that last night i was like, i want to play scrabble, so i looked up an online game but the Computer settings are a nightmare like, as far as i could tell the Difficulty settings were mostly attuned to Average Word Length but it was like, yeah you’re playing against this opponent given this effective total familiarity with the most obscure / archaic shit in the scrabble dictionary, not even simply the like, q words / two letter words ppl might happen to know specifically for the purposes of scrabble. there was also no “new game” button?? just had to refresh the page? smh. oh lmfao! also! you Know i was frustrated thinking about Billions, the series / interest that antagonizes you, jokes on you when you hone in on the Quant where it’s like, is he just meant to be the guy who sucks, plus he’s got depression....suppose they do at least handle him w/some sympathy / nonzero Care for this Char acter, but smh at sighing about [bracing yourself for anything promising (cough riawin) to spiral into disaster one way or another, whether it turns into a joke or plot device or just something introduced / built up / demolished for ambient drama/conflict].....what else is new. the periodic cycles of Billions Thoughts lol. was just frustrated at a video’s Editing Cadence basically lmfao. i also find it grating when the word “the jab” is used in tweets re: vaccination, which i just saw, presumably in the same sort of way where i automatically dislike the phrase To Be Fair or referring to food/eating with “fill / filling” or any variants lmfao, or earnest use of the description “hearty”......some words i hate the sound of no matter what, some i hate to hear used in a particular phrase / context......need to simply stop doing things in the middle of answering this b/c it will inevitably involve Frustrations lmfaooo. oh also i was annoyed to wake up to a clear sky. where’s that overcast atmosphere

Moon- Are you currently reading any books? If so, what book(s)?

i am not, but i’ve been considering it! just inconvenient b/c a) i gotta like, choose what book/s to read, & b) i have to read via laptop, which is kind of a pain, & c) like with everything, i always tend to basically read stuff all at once, but i’m also a slow reader lmao, so it’s like, okay, i’m probably basically devoting days on end to Reading Through whatever.....

Pluto- If you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would you meet?

another classic Fascinating Answer of “i dunno” lol, i’ve never really had a go to answer for this or anything that’s particularly leapt out.....plus re: how i tend to feel nervous with on the spot socializing, the concept of like “if you could have dinner with someone” is too much lmfao like, a waste of time, i’d simply Be Nervous my way completely through it. the only way i could think of things is like, here i go giving someone an interview, i guess, and whomst tf would i feel Prepared to talk to lmfao. relevant to interests it’s like well of course you could ask w. roland things the in depth secret jared questions, or Any questions about quant n billions, but then it’s also like, well, there’s the questions I already have an answer for lol & either you have the same answer or i have a mini monologue, not like i don’t speak in mini monologues all the time if i have something to say at all, and my Questions go like that too lmfao, a disaster already trying to ask people about pertinent Information......never able to think of things re: people who have died, i suppose there’s fun answers re: like, getting lost / unknown Historical Info......when it comes to meeting people i don’t really consider it much in advance b/c i am nervous about everything & aware that any interacting is a Challenge lmfao. whenever these things actually happen, it’s hardly always a disaster, but i’m just improvising in the end. also, i could meet people i actually know but have never met, i.e. you, who i talk to but we are Virtual & Pandemic’d & etc & so on. but i suppose that’s kind of a given lol

Aquila- Do you prefer to read books or watch movies?

i think movies are less Involved for me, like, even if it takes me 3x their runtime (or longer) to watch any videos thanks to getting distracted & stuff, still quicker than i read a book, & unless i’m watching something for the first time and/or really wanting to properly pay attention, i can do other things while putting a movie on, whereas if i’m reading that’s the One Thing i can be doing. but overall i’m like “media, what media” whichever format lol like. haven’t consumed things, don’t often think of specific works i want/plan to consume, don’t often get around to it, etc. classique.....

Protostar- Give a random fact about yourself.

speaking of classic, me struggling to recall 101 info about myself or answer not that out there Questions, but when it’s like “alright hater what are you disgruntled about now” it’s like, Deep Inhale lmfao, but [are you okay? Is Anyone].jpeg on that one as well, we are out here......uh i’m sure i’ve said it before but i’m around 5′11″? maybe 6 ft tall but that might be overdoing it. sort of Average Tall but i am always literally looking down on people lmao.....and bumping my head into a low hanging light fixture around here.....

[darkgeminisworld]

This is gonna be a rant about a probably toxic friend so if you don't wanna read it, this is a heads up.

Okay so for several reasons, most of them being that I need to move on, I decided to write this lengthy rant about a friend I'm pretty sure will not be a friend of mine for much longer, which sucks bc he's almost my only irl friend but also feels good bc he's exhausting and I'm pretty sure he's also toxic.

I've met this guy like 6 and a half years ago, and we pretty much bonded over shared interests pretty fast. The first thing that bothered me was that he'd always be late, which would be absolutely fine if he'd been honest about it. But writing that it's five minutes until he's there and then showing up 30 minutes after that, or writing "I'm on your doorstep" and taking another ten minutes to show up, almost every single time, isn't, especially since I strained to be on time the first months (meaning I'd be too early bc my brain only does too early or too late, nothing in between). And his being late wasn't just 20 or 30 minutes, several times he was over an hour late. Oh, and once when we had agreed to meet he legit wasn't home and I waited around 2 hours, which I really should have held a grudge for back then and been way more pissed at him.

The second thing that bothered me was that he was way too nosy. He'd ask if I'm free to meet and play video games or whatever and whenever I said no he'd ask what I'm doing and if I can't manage my time another way to make time for him. And the thing is, not only did I not ask several times after he told me that he's busy that day, but I actively told him, several times over the course of about the last two years, that it bothers me and asked him to tone it down. My problem here is only that he didn't stop after I asked him to, bc before I told him and asked him, how was he supposed to know.

Coming out to him went well, though he did ask me whether I'm into him, which... No. Obviously it could've gone a lot worse, but still.

The next is more a small annoyance, a small itch, although it might have been a warning sign. He couldn't handle defeat very well. In most video games he was better, but he low-key aggressively denied it when I pointed out the win-lose ratio in my all-time favourite video game series and he'd try to cheat at other games. If it was only about him being competitive I'd understand, but that doesn't mean trying to rewrite the past by blatantly lying about it and ridiculing me for pointing out that that's bullshit, especially since it's only games, played for the fun of it.

We also went to the cinema sometimes, though if it had been up to him it'd have been way more often and that's another point where he really didn't let it go after getting a no. Whether he wanted to watch a horror movie after being told, several times, that I really don't like horror movies, or just the general question of whether we'd be going to the cinema, he'd ask again and ask what I'm doing, why did I not want to go, would another time be good, couldn't I ask my parents for money (which, to be fair, I could have. But I preferred not to bc back then it was really stressful bc we had to move and renovate and I just didn't wanna add more frustration if that makes sense? Plus I wanted to get my hands on some things, which required to save up) etc. Almost every time we did end up going, it was he who initiated it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to see some of the movies just as badly as he did, but... And if he can't even accept "no" from a friend of several years (also a 100% guy friend as far as he is aware bc I didn't start to address gender issues with him), I'm worried about other contexts with that word. Also we did some kind of text role play (just texting back and forth with OCs inserted into several fantasy works like the Inheritance Cycle, who would parttake in the storyline, no set rulebook or anything) and his characters did some questionable and even outright deplorable things and when I wanted his character to suffer consequences, he always wanted him to get away with it. Like, his idea for one of his characters "pranking" mine in reaction to a prank which in itself was a retaliation to his character's pranks was kidnapping and waterboarding my character. And he kept defending it as a prank and demanded that my character should just forgive his character, like... It really made (and continues to make) me wonder and worry just how much of his darker thoughts I don't know about. And I don't know how accurate it is but I once saw a post with a quote that went along the lines of "man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." (btw I couldn't think of a satisfactory way to phrase it so I ended up looking up the quote and apparently it's from Oscar Wilde)

So I spent a fair amount of time arguing with him over that and trying to explain to the best of my ability why it was wrong, and for some time it went better.

Fast forward a few months to the blm protests or more specifically news coverage of it and info I sent him. He defended cops and blamed the protestors and even justified the atrocities of the cops, so that was the first instance where we had a huge fight. I practically drowned him in links and videos etc and some weeks into that I thought I'd managed to get through to him (Spoiler: I didn't really get through to him) so I kept it in mind but continued to have contact with him and everything (bc at the time I didn't know that I didn't really get through as much as I thought).

From there on it pretty much went downhill. We had been thinking about doing a trip to London for a few days (his idea but at the time I really wanted to go, it was around 2 years ago when I still practically worshipped that one author, she who must not be named) and to this very day he's not letting it go completely. Even though the pandemic puts lots of obstacles in the way and I have more important things to worry about, namely final exams and applications. Even though London is expensive as shit and I still have no way to earn money atm. And about the vacation, I finally canceled last summer (and gave the aforementioned reasons) and he completely lost his shit and got super aggressive, insulted me and tried to guilt-trip me into taking that back and agreeing to still go on that vacation with him. Then we got into another fight where he wanted me to cancel the vacation with my grandparents, which was already planned and booked and everything in order to make time for the vacation I'd already said I don't want to go on with him anymore and aggressively demanded (he didn't ask, he sent a demand and bombarded me with exclamation marks) to know when exactly I'd be going on vacation with them. Then he went offline after I refused and ignored the next few messages I sent him and only replied when I asked "what I'd I reconsidered my stance on the trip?". I mean, baiting him with that definitely was shitty of me, but the result showed that that was basically what he wanted, pressure me into still going on that vacation. That specific conflict had been going on for weeks, bc despite me telling him that it's counterproductive and detrimental to my mental health to increase the pressure and therefore my anxiety about getting a job to pay for the trip, he kept pressuring me while acknowledging that he's giving me lots of pressure and anxiety and even using that against me.

He also didn't acknowledge that most times we try to meet, he goes offline for hours before replying and disappearing again. That would be absolutely fine if he didn't accuse me of doing that, which btw is his standard technique and it took me a long time to realize that. He always tries to shift the blame to make me look like the one at fault, and he always, always demands that I apologize when we had a fight via WhatsApp.

And when I started enforcing my boundaries and telling him to stop asking again and again why I can't meet, what I'm doing, or demanding other explanations, he started to attack me for the kind of language I use, so when I'm ever so slightly sarcastic he immediately latches onto that and creates a new conflict.

But this still isn't all, oh no. He's also basically an ecofascist, and is fully okay with sacrificing social justice to save the environment, completely choosing to ignore that the people he's protecting are the ones at fault and that the ppl who contribute the least are the ones experiencing the hardest ecological consequences.

He's said multiple times that he thinks both sides are equally bad, in the context of left and right in general as well as antifascism and fascism and that he doesn't "condone the oppressed defending themselves with any means necessary" bc that, too, would include violence. He's defending the "right to free speech" even when right-wingers say really disgusting shit, he disagrees with prohibiting demonstrations of ppl who think that Corona is a hoax, he has zero empathy for ppl who are affected, who suffer long-term consequences from infections, not even for ppl who die from it (he literally said "people die anyway, that doesn't justify imprisoning everyone else") and somehow still thinks he has the moral high ground.

And the last bit he did was explaining to me, from his endocisallohet white guy perspective, how I'm "not discriminated against" bc gay ppl in my country can get married (only since 2017 btw) and when I, despite the fact that I shouldn't have had to and that it was a real blow to my mental health, wrote him a message that was almost the length of an essay, he calmly started to question my replies with the detachedness of someone who's discussing whether pineapple belongs on pizza and demanding further explanation. To top it off, he said that marginalized ppl have to always reply to everyone calmly and politely, no matter if it was offensive bc the person asking might be unaware of that. Otherwise, he said, everyone would be right to stop listening to us. Like, he literally said that we don't deserve human rights if we're not licking the boots of our oppressors if that way of thinking is followed through to the end.

I almost forgot, he also thinks that white ppl should have a say in whether something is a racist slur, or whether something is racist in general (we're both white, but at least I'm trying my best to unlearn what my upbringing taught me instead of being the cliché of the white person who goes "how dare you call me racist, I've never been more insulted in my whole life!", which is basically his reaction)

So up until this last fight, I conceded some ground to him to end the fights and keep him as a "friend" not only bc I feel horrible when I imagine losing one of my only irl friends but also bc I was hoping I could get through to him and educate him, to the best of my ability, on how to be a good ally to marginalized people. But the disregard with which he treats my explanations why the way he talked (wrote) about marginalized people is absolutely not okay and the fact that he just told me that he genuinely doesn't see how he did anything wrong even after I explained it to him in detail is just too much to bear at this point.

Oh, and while looking through the chat to prove him a liar I found that apparently, to him a promise is a promise, no matter whether it was given under pressure or voluntarily, so do with that what you will.

[painfog]

Hey so I saw you mention top surgery and was curious. I was supposed to be having top surgery this summer but that’s postponed. I was curious how that went with chronic pain? I’m scared about the surgical binder with my fibro and back pain. Any advice or info would be greatly appreciated!! (You can answer privately if you prefer)

ive actually been meaning to write up a big post on this pretty much since i had top surgery but still haven't got around to it yet so I'm happy to talk about it lol. ill go over stuff now n still aim to do a more in depth post later when im on my laptop (but writing this now bc i tend to forget everything haha). ill stick to the more fibro / chronic illness specific stuff & stuff i wasnt expecting rather than rehashing everything. apologies im on mobile so i cant put this under a cut

firstly, im sorry ur surgery got postponed! i know that must be gutting, so i hope it gets rescheduled asap & the time until then passes easily for u ❤️

I had double incision with free nipple grafts on the 4th of september 2019 with Mr Miles Berry at the london wellbeck hospital. i think he did an amazing job and can't recommend him enough for his work! i think the last pics i took of my chest were for tdov, and ill rb them after i post this for reference. i didnt have drains at any point of the surgery

for ppl with fibro, i was told that the pain after surgery either tends to trigger a flareup, or be really easily manageable, and it's hard to predict which it will be beforehand. its best to prepare for a flareup and be pleasently surprised if u dont get one. for me, i had a flareup that sucked but wasnt too bad as far as flareups go

you'll probably get given painkillers. take them regularly. it's easier to treat pain preemptively. if u don't get given them (no idea how it works outside of the uk) id say def get codine and paracetamol. u can't take ibuprofen for a while

i woke up from aneasthetic freezing cold + in a lot of pain. apparently most ppl dont need the full dose of morphine, but i did. after that it was a bit better. i was just So Goddamn Hungry literally it's all i was talking about

that night in hospital was probably one of the most uncomfortable in my life. you have to sleep sitting up for like blood reasons, so my back pain was quite bad bc of it. moving around a bit and adjusting pillows helped. if u have anything that normally helps ur back pain bring it with u to the hospital, & dont be afraid to ask the nurses for help with it (even if they can just adjust ur pillows for u). i couldnt rly sleep much but distraction helps. bring ur phone + headphones. i did a few ask memes when i couldnt sleep

the first week from surgery was rly tough, the first few days especially. this was bc i still had to sleep elevated for a few days and i couldnt get comfortable. i was too exhausted to do anything but couldn't sleep and it rly started to get me down. then i got some sleeping tablets (just nytol) and that helped so much. i literally cannot recommend it enough bc the not sleeping properly made everything hard (and like esp because with fibro the whole pain/fatigue/depression cycle is so real). once i started sleeping better recovery became a lot easier, and the tablets made the awkward sleeping positions more manageable. if i had to give only one bit of advice this would be it

on that note, ik everyone says this but do get a V pillow. it helps u adjust to sleeping on ur back and if u sleep on ur side normally it means u can like lean slightly sideways on it which makes it sm easier. also this isn't even top related but they make good back pillows when ur watching stuff in bed even now

get urself some video games (if ur into them) and easy entertainment shows lined up for when u wanna have them. recovering from major surgery makes ur fatigue even more pronounced so ur not going to be able to do all that much, but having light entertainment ready to go stops u getting as bored. its also a good excuse to finally play/watch the things you've been meaning to for a while

go outside when u can. if u have a garden just walk around it. it helps with a lot of stuff, and idk about u but i always forget how much it does. even just helping u sleep better if u get trapped in a fibro fatigued-but-can't-sleep cycle. and it goes so far helping u feel human in the first week

the first week is rly hard for a lot of ppl - its frustrating to have all that pain and exhaustion and not being able to wash or change the binder, and with the swelling and bandages under the binder it doesn't really feel like there's much change, which all sort of adds together. i keep going on about this week bc it helps to mentally prepare for it - there's no need to dread it, you just need to remind urself how worth it itll all be and that the rest of recovery is a lot better than the first part, and in time it won't have seemed that bad. big picture stuff

when u get the chest reveal, everything's better. i didnt stop smiling. and when u put the post op binder on afterwards, without all the bandaging, u like feel for the first time how much flatter u are??? and its amazing. even with the swelling. and then u get to shower and u feel human again and its great. (ik some ppl have their post ops/chest reveals much earlier than a week, but 5 days to a week is pretty standard in the uk. mine was 6 days i think)

more post op binder stuff: i got given 2. the first one i woke up in after the surgery and wasn't allowed to take off until my post op, and the second one i got given at my post op to change into after i showered. After that i alternated every few days. whatever u get given, if u get less than 2 i recommend getting another one so u can alternate them (if u want help sourcing them hmu. ive also still got mine i need to give away)

the post op binders were actually a lot easier to wear full time than normal binders. they were like more stretchy, and stretchy the full way round (bc they dont have the compression bit at the front). i used to sleep in my normal binder every time i slept with my ex, and that hurt like a motherfuck sometimes. the post op binder was much kinder to my ribs

i had to wear the post op binder full time, taking it off like once a day to shower n let my chest breathe (and massage my scars once i started that). some surgeons arent that strict abt wearing it that long, but it really helps swelling, & bc i didnt have drains it was rly important to stop fluid buildup. ik quite a few guys in my trans groups who stopped wearing their binder fairly early and then got quite a lot of swelling so i didn't want to risk it & i wore it for the full 6 weeks. at some point (icr when but maybe at 6 weeks? bc my post op was at 8 weeks bc he was on holiday) i didnt wear it during the day and only wore it at night

all in all the binder didnt bother me that much. it was more comfortable than my regular binders and i just kinda got on with it. it was annoying tho and i was glad when i could stop wearing it. for me the most annoying part was that it was a full length binder (i always wore half length before) and the riding up at the hips was rly irritating. i actually quite liked sleeping with it tho it was a pretty nice pressure stim ahah

some post op binders r more comfortable than others. if u have to buy ur own, i rly suggest going with a proper surgical one (they arent too hard to find second hand for free or cheap, again im happy to help here) bc they're kinder to chronic pain. i know that having a comfortable post op binder made it all a lot easier for me. there are also lots of alternatives w lots of price ranges tho, so that's not ur only option

ok i think thats everything right now! sorry its so long, but let me know if u have any questions!!

finally: before i got top ppl told me that its honestly life changing, and i didnt realise how true that would be. literally every single aspect of my life is at least partially better because of it, and most of them drastically so. I'm really excited for you to get that for yourself, and im wishing u all the best for it 💕