#there really isn't any support for people who are already suicidal

[gouraminnow]

One Piece / Straw hats with a Reader who struggles with ASI (Autistic Self Injury)

Warnings: Self harm, primarily

ASI is sometimes referred to as Non-Suicidal Self Injury, and it's typically not done deliberately the way "standard" SH is. It can be because of both under or over-stimulation, or sometimes it can just be a form of stimming that happens to be physically harmful. This isn't exclusive to autism, it's also common w/ compulsion based disorders such as OCD.

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional of any sort I'm just a guy who has it. My experience is not universal and most of this will be based on how I experience and deal with these problems.

POST THAT CATERS TO ME BEFORE ANYBODY ELSE HERE WE GO!!!

In all honesty One Piece is so chock-full of quirky and frankly weird people that I don't think an autistic person would phase most characters all that much. Not saying ableism wouldn't exist at all, but like. Franky is here. I don't think most lower-support needs autistic people would even be noticed by anyone other than some of the doctor characters and I don't think high-support needs people would be treated badly (By the more... decent characters, anyway). I mean hell I will always go to bat for autistic Luffy hcs, as well as Robin and Usopp to a degree but ANYWAY!

Before everyone is used to it, the site of you doing it (while upset especially) has everyone scrambling to grab you and stop it from continuing. There is… a good chance this upsets you even more, having your new crewmates suddenly swarming you... it takes a bit of back and forth, explaining that this is just normal for you.

Luffy is the one I thought of first... I've always been a biter. Whether it's nails or biting open the skin on my hands it's one of the forms I personally struggle with a lot. Now I may think Luffy is autistic but this does NOT mean I think he'd immediately understand/get it. Obligatory "autism is a spectrum" spiel, a lot of us butt heads if we have conflicting symptoms/struggles. Luffy is sympathetic, and worried about you, but he's also very blunt and there's a good chance he'd argue with you over it. What are you upset about? Clearly something's wrong, if you're doing this. What do you mean you don't notice? You're bleeding. Doesn't it hurt? This is bad for you. He's worried, so just cut it out already!

You tell him it's just an impulse you don't think about, like wiping your nose or tapping your foot. It doesn't really hurt until someone points it out, or if you accidentally do something really bad. His brows screw up, and he stares at you very intently. He says if you can't stop, then he WILL help you the next time it happens. You're a little put off, and have the suspicion that he doesn't really get it, but... well, he clearly means well. It's nice that he worries about you, and that even while ignorant in some aspects of his concern, he doesn't belittle or blame you for these behaviors... ultimately, you feel pretty okay about how things went.

Until the next time he sees you doing it, he launches across the ship to shove his nasty, grubby-ass hands into your mouth. "It doesn't hurt me!" he exclaims, while you try to cuss him out and avoid gagging on his stupid, rubbery fingers. "You need to bite, so bite me! This way hurts nobody, shishishi!" You shriek, the two of you toppling over onto the deck. Sanji or Nami smack him over the head to get him off of you. It wasn't what you'd call helpful, but... if he's out on deck or in the room with you, there's a little self-check you run through to make sure nothing your doing will warrant... that. So maybe it does sort of work?

Luffy has a similar approach to other forms of ASI too. Skin picking and hair pulling? Hitting yourself? Yeah he's going koala mode(animal that clings. Not the character) and wrapping himself around you, restraining your limbs. Which unfortunately has a high chance of making the urge worse, if it's compulsion based...

Now, Chopper has heard of this, and read about it, but he hasn't actually seen it in person yet. The first time he sees you doing it, it's shortly after you've joined. He goes to meet with you- every new member gets a check-up just to make sure everything's in working order! He finds you in the aquarium bar, absentmindedly gazing at the fish... but when he calls to you, you turn, and reveal the bloody mess of your hand- nails chewed far past the quick. He freaks out, which probably freaks you out, which attracts the attention of the others, and...

Yeah. That could've gone better. It takes a bit for you two to calm down. There's a chance he might think this is a more standard form of self-harm, and feel guilty because you're so unhappy you'd do this to yourself... when he learns the actual reason, he... still feels pretty guilty for not noticing or considering the possibility sooner. But he's the one who briefs everyone else on the details, possibly even you if you don't know you're autistic or why you do these things. I don't think these types of diagnoses or the terminology surrounding them are well known in the OP universe, so there's a good chance you don't have clue what your own problem is. Either way, everybody knows now.

Chopper lays down the basics. There's the passive SH you don't even notice, reflexive the way scratching an itch or brushing away hair is. Then there's the kind that you do because you're upset or overwhelmed in some way. It's not so simple as just stopping. You need other outlets when you feel the urges start up. He works with you to try and practice healthier grounding and coping strategies, and the others fall in line.

Nami isn't great about it if she sees it before Chopper tells everybody what's up... means well, but scolding you or grabbing you directly does not help the urges go away. She means well, but she's used to the other knuckleheads and their more... deliberate brand of dipshittery. Much more patient once she's been told the details, whether from you or Chopper.

If Nami catches you picking at your skin, it's pretty common for her to hand you a tangerine to peel. It's similar enough to skin, she reasons, it might be a good alternative. And then you can eat it afterward instead of chewing on yourself. It's a two-in-one solution! Both of you fail to consider how easily citrus juice gets inside a hand-wound though... after the first incident, it's a solution for picking at any other body parts. You can hang out in the map room with her for a little bit of peace and quiet, as long as you don't distract her. She might explain some of her work to you if you're interested.

She'll smack around any of the others if they upset/overwhelm you, whether it's actually enough to start up the sh. Her yelling might not help, but it is nice to feel supported... she'll get you jewelry to fidget with instead, and take you clothes shopping for things that don't set off sensory issues(AND look flattering, of course). Her and Robin will paint your nails. The dried polish is another better peeling/picking alternative to skin and hair. Nami adds the prices of the jewelry and nail polish to the debt of whoever accidentally sets you off.

Robin is a little better about it. If you hit yourself, or bang your head against another surface, she'll use her power to summon hands that cushion your blows. If she sees the scratching, hair pulling, etc. she asks you about it- the question usually enough to ground you and realize it's happening, if you aren't already.

She's good at redirecting you. Has you come relax somewhere quieter with her if you're overwhelmed. Works with Nami in regards to the clothes and nail polish, but also has good chapstick recommendations, since chapped lips are a big problem for lots of people with dermatillomania.

A relaxing person to be around in general (unless you're offput by her morbid comments) and is good to talk to. You admit you feel a bit ridiculous having these issues on a crew chock-full of such accomplished individuals. Childish, even. She chuckles, asking how you can say that living on the same boat as Luffy, of all people? You're hardly the only person here with self-destructive habits and it's far from your only defining trait. And though for differing reasons, both her and Brook commiserate with you regarding the loneliness and feelings of isolation a lot of autistic people face. The struggle of not understanding or being understood in turn...

Insists on you joining her and Nami while they relax, on occasion. Makes Sanji dote on you too, if you aren't a woman and he isn't already.

Speaking of Sanji, he's also good at redirecting you. The kitchen is his domain, but if you're in a rut and it'll help keep your hands busy without overwhelming you, he'll give you something to do. Help chop, help peel, here the eggs are done boiling so be a dear and help with the ice bath, won't you? Won't let you chop onions or chilis even if you insist you'll be fine.

And if you're a chewer/biter, he always has some sort of snack to give you. Finds you chewing your knuckles and shoves some Hors d'Oeuvres at you. Takes care to figure out which textures you like vs. can't handle as well. If you're hitting yourself, he sticks some thick oven mitts on your hands. It's not... perfect, by any means, but it's better.

Zoro hears the way you talk about some of it. The feeling of some sort of tense, uncomfortable energy that fills you, and the desperate need to get it out. Tearing at yourself, hitting yourself, banging your head against something to try and alleviate the feeling. He... thinks he sort of gets it, actually. Not in the same way but he gets antsy and weird if he doesn't get to do something active for too long. Is it something like that..? Passively mentions that weight training might help. It's worth a shot, and you're free to come join him if you'd like to try. And you think it over. Maybe the straining of your muscles would provide a similar and healthier form of relief, while also achieving something productive at the same time... so you make your way up to the crow's nest one day, and he's happy to see you there, truly!

But... Zoro has come a long way since he first joined. He knows he's stronger than you, but misjudged just how big the gap was. He walks you through the proper postures and stances for lifting, only for you both to face a bit of a rude awakening...

You can't lift any of his weights... both of you feel a little awkward, to say the least. And you're a bit disheartened. He makes a plan to get a beginner's set for you, but Usopp and/or Franky probably beat him to the punch and build a training set.

Usopp and Franky work together. Or, well, more like they both get the idea to design fidgety little devices for you, and Usopp nervously tells Franky that they probably shouldn't double as armable explosives or mini missile launchers. There should probably be a clearer line drawn between something you absentmindedly fiddle with and a weapon of mass destruction. He nods earnestly. That's a good point, bro... Guess they'll just make em both separately! SUUUPERRRR!!!!!!

If you have hair pulling issues, Usopp suggests some sort of bandana to cover and pull your hair back like his, just as an added barrier between your hands and your scalp. On top of that, he insists on wrapping bandaids on your fingertips to make picking of all sorts much harder, and makes little finger-caps with Franky when the bandaids also interfere with more regular tasks. For hitting, with Chopper's advice, they make padded gloves, vests/coats to wear that help cushion the blows. They make more covert options too, like chest guards that can be worn under normal clothes. They run their drafts by you, making sure they're not uncomfortable to wear.

Franky's "SUUUPEERRRR!!" is just as likely to become a stim as it is to be overwhelming, honestly. He fashions some noise-canceling headphones for you. When Nami learns about these, she wants her own pair, too.

Brook is always ready to help sooth you with music, but sometimes the elegant notes of a violin can become a pitchy whine to you if you're already overstimulated. It just depends on the situation. It can get to him if he accidentally makes things worse for you, but he tries not to take it personally.

But it often does work. If he's not adding to a racket and things have quieted down, sometimes starting up a song will have your hands fall to your sides without you realizing you were hurting yourself in the first place. He's very giddy about it when he pulls this off but tries not to be obvious. Subtlety isn't exactly his thing, though.

He makes a joke from a place of concern- that if you keep tearing at yourself like this, you'll end up a skeleton just like him. If it bothers you, he'll never make a joke like it again. He isn't trying to be cruel, he just likes to deal with things by being silly. If you do like it, and he gets a laugh out of you, it becomes a running gag. "You know, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But as much as I would enjoy having another skeleton on board, this really isn't good for you..."

[boneless-mika]

I do think discussions about how to depict or talk about mental illness are heavily favoring the healthy. Like I was told plenty of times as a teenager that suicide is bad, as bad as murder even, and being suicidal makes you a horrible unacceptable person.

Guess what? That made me feel like a horrible unacceptable person which only made me more suicidal but these are still the guidelines media and teachers are given because the only thing that matters is keeping healthy people from committing suicide.

Any negative impacts on mentally ill youth are just unfortunate side effects we can brush under the rug since our lives aren't worth as much and there aren't as many of us anyway.

[kerink]

the thing that's been most surprising to me with mouthwashing so far is how little empathy people are willing to extend to curly. and i don't mean this in a piss on the poor way, i'm deeply saddened and genuinely confused by it.

when i first played the game i was at one of the lowest points i've been at in a really long time. my mental health is bad my physical health is bad. i experienced SA a year ago and was recently diagnosed with cancer. i have 2-5 doctors appointments every week with various specialists.

all the while me and two of my doctors are talking about if i need to make a career change that's going to best support my poor health and improve my overall well being. and my family and friends struggle to understand, because i have a doctorate and a good job and live on my own. everyone looks at my life in awe, and they don't understand why i'm unhappy. they tell me so every time i try to explain it.

so when i played i immediately identified with curly. here is a man who's deeply depressed, having hallucinations, trying to reach out to his best friend for support but just has his words thrown back in his face, doesn't want to burden anya with his stuff because she has her own stuff and he wants her to lean on him, he has all these responsibilities and people look up to him and rely on him and have these ideas about him. the highest wrung of their ladder is the lowest of his, and they have no way of conceptualizing why or how he's unhappy and dissatisfied. before the reveal that he's innocent, i completely understood why he attempted suicide.

and then he develops a new disability.

when jimmy goes to crash the ship, he uses curly's unhappiness to try to convince him a murder-suicide is a good idea, and it works. it buys jimmy enough time to get to the cockpit and crash the ship. curly's too in his own head to realize what jimmy meant because jimmy distracted him with how bad his life is. it isn't until the sirens start that curly snaps out of it and it clicks for him what jimmy's done.

i'm not going to re-litigate the issue about if curly could have done more for anya because i've said pretty much all i have to say on it already.

but we really need to highlight that in addition to his lack of tangible choices, he's sleep deprived, deeply depressed, and hallucinating. this is not a man in his right mind making his best choices.

and over and over again i see people refusing to extend him any empathy, to call him a bystander. does a man who says he'll do anything to help and who wanted to be there when anya broke the news and who does his best to play liaison between anya and jimmy sound like a bystander? he let anya keep the gun case! he knew having it would help her feel better!

how good of a friend have you been when you were in your pit of despair? how much were you able to pour into others when your glass was empty?

anya wanted her and curly's support to be reciprocal. if she has enough psych training to do the evals, and having been thru nursing school, she's probably well aware that she and curly need to both be pouring into each other if either of them are going to be any good to anyone. but curly is so determined to defend and protect anya he won't confide in her, despite the fact it's running him so thin that he almost takes jimmy's bait that suicide is a good idea.

i don't think we need to absolve curly of his responsibility. i don't think we should over look his role as an enabler. i don't think we should discredit or discount analyses of his failures. but i'm so tired of people actively avoiding getting in his shoes, getting in his head, reflecting on how they've acted in the past when thinking and feeling similar ways. our worst moments don't make us monsters.

it makes me so sad. and frankly it makes me feel like all the times my family hasn't understood when i've tried to reach out. curly is screaming in agony and just like jimmy we're just trying to keep him quiet because it's too complicated to deal with.

[pintadorartist]

KOSA may return to the HOUSE

Recently, 32 state Attorney Generals have sent a letter to Mike Johnson urging him to pass KOSA. This comes after reports that Senator Blumenthal (Connecticut) says he talked to leadership, and they said they'd pass it.

While there isn't an exact date for when it will be voted on, it's still a good idea to remind your representatives to vote no on KOSA.

Call, email, and Fax these people as much as you can, since they are house leaders:

Dems:

Hakeem Jeffries

(202) 225-5936

Ayanna Pressley

(202) 225-5111

Ilhan Omar

(202) 225-4755

Jamaal Bowman

(202) 225-2464

Cori Bush 

(202) 225-2406

GOP:

Steve Scalise

(202) 225-3015

Mike Johnson

(202) 225-2777

And here are scripts to call, email, and fax; If your Representative is a Democrat use this one:

"I am urging you to VOTE NO on KOSA. Nearly 200 human rights and LGBT organizations total came out in an open letter opposing it. The ACLU is against it. Hundreds of thousands of Gen Z, who actually live online, are against it. We know the harms of social media, and we know this is not the solution. The new language does NOT meet any concerns brought up, in fact many organizations were ignored. Major news have reported that this bill actively harms kids. We do not want this. 

The rewritten bill would still allow any state attorney general, and now the FTC, to sue any website for “harmful” content. When you have Republicans calling anything LGBT “sexual exploitation” or anything about race “CRT” to successfully ban books and teachers, then they will use any justification to censor the internet. The Missouri attorney general used “mental health” successfully to ban gender-affirming care with backed up research. Suicide rates will skyrocket for marginalized youth with this bill restricting content.

Multiple experts agree this bill pushes age verification, even with the new language. KOSA hands more private data of children to third party companies. Furthermore, updated language threatens encryption the same way the Earn It Act does. How is this protecting children’s privacy?  KOSA actively harms kids. Do NOT support this bill. Thank you."

If your Representative is a Republican, use this one:

"I am urging you to VOTE NO on KOSA, the Kid’s Online Safety Act. This is a dangerous bill that will harm children and censor pro-life off the internet. Many news organizations have reported that this bill actively harms kids by exposing their private data to strangers under the guise of protecting them. We need to hold Big Tech accountable, but KOSA is not the solution.

The bill let any state attorney general and the FTC to sue any website for “harmful” content. Do we really want blue state lawyers deciding what can and can’t be allowed online? Big Tech is already censoring us. That’s why they support KOSA. This is massive government overreach. We need a bill that actually protects children by creating better security measures instead of bringing about more censorship to everyone. 

Multiple experts agree this bill pushes age verification, even with the new language. KOSA hands more private data of children to third party companies, which would put them in further danger. This also exposes everyone else. How is this protecting children’s privacy? What parent would want their child’s private data in the hands of strangers like this? KOSA is actively putting kids in danger. It censors our freedom of speech. Do NOT support this bill. Thank you."

Also call, email, and fax your Representative:

Here are some petitions and letters to sign; they both have a call tool:

[houxe]

Regarding my SBI/DSMP Fics

TW: Abuse, Trauma, and Mentions of Suicide.

With all that has happened, I did want to come out here and make my stance clear. I will always stand with Shelby (Shubble) and all of the victims who are speaking out against Will Gold (Wilbur Soot). If you still support that bastard, unfollow me and leave my blog and whatever small community I made.

I've already stated this is my Discord channel, but I want to put it here too.

For me, c!Wilbur is so far removed from cc!Wilbur that I don't connect the two. The characters are vessels for my own characterizations and stories. It's a bit like writing Supernatural*, Twilight, or Hazbin Hotel fanfics. I don't support the guy, monetarily or otherwise, he does not interact with fanfics, I have plans to be very vocal that I'm on Shelby's side no matter what/make it clear that what Will did is wrong, and I don't use his real life events as plots in my stories. At least, I certainly don't try to. It's why I typically change traits about the characters. (I.e. Tommy is shorter, Phil is taller, Techno is bulky, and Wilbur always has golden/hazel eyes.)

I'm aware that it's a tad different because it's rp and not something like a full on book or an actor in a movie, but DSMP has also been over for over two years and the characterizations I make for SBI are not at all based on the CCs. Real life Techno isn't a literal terrorist, Phil ain't a father married to a goddess, Tommy is not a traumatized child soldier, and Wilbur isn't suicidal and blowing up countries.

I think I'll likely focus more on Techno, Tommy, and Phil for a while, but I'm not gonna let one dude ruin a fandom and things I've made for myself. Nothing I write is ever made for Wilbur, as I've seen people saying. Additionally, Wilbur was not the only writer. Technoblade, Philza, TommyInnit, and so many others made that story what it was. Not him.

However, if any CCs come forward saying they don't want their old characters interacting with his, I will respect that.

Though I do think there is a tendency to take real life events (i.e. Techno's cancer, LJ's music, Tommy's real life parents, etc.) and put them into fiction about DSMP. I, however, don't try to do that and have stated before that I don't feel comfortable doing so. The truth is that we have not gotten any genuine SBI content outside of DSMP for years. The dynamic in real life is very different from what was presented in the DSMP. Did personalities still bleed over? Yes, I'm not going to deny that, but I'm not going to act like they're exactly the same between character and person either. We've had that conversation like in 2021, it's why we have C! and CC!.

The rather sad truth is, SBI is what got me really into writing and it's a comfort for me that nothing can compare to. Obviously, I don't think it's appropriate to be writing certain types of stories right now or to be involving characters made by CCs outside of the DSMP. I think it's up to everyone else to decide on what they want to do, however, rushing it also isn't the way to go either. Give yourself time to heal and think it over first instead of throwing away something that gives you comfort and has not been associated with by the creators for over two years.

Anyways, fuck Will Gold. Fuck the fact that he hurt so many people, and fuck that he lied and manipulated his way around the damn internet. ESPECIALLY fuck the fact that he tried to diminish what he did and not take proper accountability.

Go and support Shelby so so much, she and everyone who spoke out really deserve it. I'm glad silence on these types of issues is not being normalized.

Here is a list of (American) resources for DV help:

TNLR

RAINN

WOAR

Love is respect

The Trevor project

Futures without violence

National domestic violence hotline

Resource on what DV and abuse looks like

*Changed it from Harry Potter to Supernatural because Harry Potter is a significantly worse and more problematic franchise, even just within the content of the books. It'd be better left in the dust. I've talked about it before, but it was the first thing that came to my mind at the time and was a poor comparison on my part, I'm truly sorry for that.

[clairedaring]

Hi! I saw that you've read Euthanasia, and I had a question after watching episode 7 of Spare Me Your Mercy. I'm curious about the framing of Boss' death and what space the novel gives to tease out the complexities of euthanasia and disability? As a disabled watcher, I come to discussions of euthanasia outside terminal illness quite wary. Though I'm certainly coming from a Western context where euthanasia and disability is a very sensitive topic and the conversation might look pretty different in Thailand. The framing in the show felt at the very least rushed in terms of building any nuance into the conversation so far, so I'm curious if and how the novel explores the complexities of this.

Hi Shane 💖

To be honest I think that the series is doing far better in terms of show the complexities than the books in terms of euthanasia (i know, unbelievable but bare with me for a second here friend).

So.... the biggest difference the series has made so far is changing the roles between Somsak and Boss. In the book, Somsak was the main culprit and Boss was his accomplice in the way that Boss/Boze also idolises Kan and his ideals -> Somsak convinced Boss to join him in his quest to euthanise patients.

And if you ask what Doctor Somsak's motivation is? There isn't more to it as much as he believes in the same thing as Kan and Kan coming to the hospital is now a future scapegoat for him.

In the novel, Kan also deliberately euthanised/murdered Dr. Somsak when he was in the hospital after they were both injured in their gun fight (similar to what happened to Boss) (pinging @waitmyturtles who may be interested to know that novel!Kan wasn't just a morally grey ass, he really did fuck up there and genuinely did not deserve to end up with Wasan where they left them in the first novel).

But there wasn't a dramatic conversation between them like how Boss asked Kan to do kill him. No, like novel!Kan straight up murdered Somsak to keep him from telling everyone his secret (granted it was his only murder and he did go to prison for it but yeah still novel!Kan was... something else).

So in this sense I think the series has already done much better with the topic of euthanasia, opening up more sides to the debates whereas the novel only touches upon euthanasia in a very surface level way to move forward with its the murder mystery plot.

It's doing it very clumsily for sure but for instance I like that Boss's background story represented how his mother got caregiver burnout and in a country where public healthcare is not as developed and there aren't much welfare or support schemes for people living in rural areas, it's not uncommon to see this seemingly selfish thinking from people around terminally ill/permanently disabled people. It's selfish and inherently discriminatory but it's a raw representation of the painfully ugly mindset people may harbour but will never say it out loud in public.

I'm in no way defending this series by the way, I'm simply saying that if you're looking for more nuances and complexities on the topic of euthanasia in the novels, they're definitely not going to offer that. I would say that the novels offer more complexities in the development of the relationship between Kan and Wasan because it's constructed in a way that's much more believable for reader audience.

The series... I think EP.7 tried a little too much with incorporating assisted suicide into euthanasia which is only going to make it much more controversial.

I hope these little novel spoilers help and answer some of your questions. I really can't offer anything from the novels in terms of disability because it wasn't even mentioned once ಥ_ಥ

[tora-the-cat]

A happy ending for Sasuke is literally not even POSSIBLE for basically ALL of Naruto like it's not even funny. He really never even had a CHANCE he has of living a decent life, it's not even on the TABLE, by literally no fault of his own (because he's never done anything wrong). I'm going to scream.

0-6? Forces unbelievably outside of his control are organizing, ensuring, and executing an ethnic cleansing of his entire clan at the hands of his favoritest person in the world. Forces including the shattered psyche of said favoritest person, who tortures him until he is too terrified and traumatized to even think about anything else for years.

7-12? enrolled in Child Soilder School, completely isolated socially (not as a pariah but as a prodigy) befret of any support system, still traumatized beyond belief, and left with no outlet for any of his issues besides obsessing over the day, one day in the future, where Itachi will be dead and all this unresolved suffering and guilt and love and anger and fear and fear and FEAR will go away forever. Right? Because it has to. There has to be an end. Right?

12? Government assigned found family give him the support and love and attention and outlet and for the future that he's been craving for so long he didn't even KNOW it's what he needed. Has a soulmate and a bestie that can read his mind and a mentor who actually is willing to meet him where he's at and help him and maybe even love him and is this......Hope? That perhaps he can have a life outside of what Itachi did to- Itachi. Itach- FUCK. ITACHI IS LITERALLY HUNTING NARUTO FOR SPORT WITH ALL HIS WAR CRIMINAL FRIENDS AND SASUKE SHOULDN'T HAVE LET HIS GUARD DOWN BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW STRONG KAKASHI OR EVEN THE WHOLE VILLAGE IS, ITACHI WILL KILL ANYONE SASUKE IS STUPID AND SHORT SIDED AND CRUEL ENOUGH TO CARE ABOUT, HOW DID HE FORGET, HOW DARE HE FORGET, HE NEEDS TO GET STRONGER HE NEEDS TO AVENGE HIS CLAN HE NEEDS TO FUFILL HIS FRATERNAL DUTY HE NEEDS TO LEAVE BEFORE ANYONE ELSE IS MURDERED BY ASSOCIATION-

13-16? He dropped a lit match on his support system behind him him and ran into the cold shadows of obsessive anger that he only stepped out of long enough to loose the ability to ignore the gnawing want for warmth. That's bad enough, not even taking cohabitating with goddamned OROCHIMARU. No further explanation required there.

17? Kills his brother, gets NONE of the 'benefits' he spent his life convincing (begging) himself must be awaiting at the end. Instead everyhting has, in fact, gotten much worse very quickly and now all he has is a list of powerful people and systems that don't work and hurts and kills and tortures the people they've promised to protect that no one except him will oppose because it's basically suicide, and isn't he already so familiar with being on the shit side of this dynamic? Isn't it the normalest thing in the world, to fill the hole where his vengeance used to be with a hunt with near identical goals and intentions of his first vengance, the only real difference being his increasing dissalussion with ever being able to 'go back home', his almost all comsuming doubt that there's a 'home' waiting for him still, if there ever even was? So he dives into another goal before it goes as cold as the love he doesn't dare indulge, accumulating more power and rage then he knows what to do with (where can he put it down? where can he put it down?) and no reason NOT to challange corruption until it's either all gone or it kills him. Naruto, once the only person who looked at him with empathy instead of pity or expectation, thinks he should grit his teeth and bear it and go back to the village, as if that was ever an option for him. Sakura, once the only person who understood him, who followed his every thought process with ease and loved him even when he thought himself a monster, has finally given up on him and tries to kill him. What can he do but laugh as the world burns? It burned him first.

(but if that was true, then why is he still so cold?)

[12woso12]

Dorothy lands in North London - Part 1

Prologue here

Hope you all enjoyed the Prologue! Let me know what you think and what you'd like to happen next :)

TW: Mentions of suicide, please don't read if you're not feeling up to it

You spent the flight to London watching re-runs of The OC and devouring every ice cream flavour on the plane's menu. Arsenal had flown you first class and so you were taking every opportunity you could to make the most of it. From the fuzzy socks to the free robes, you'd exhausted the expense.

It had been difficult to leave America but your teammates were supportive in your decision and each of them expressed their eagerness to watch you thrive in the WSL. You'd even had a call from Tobin who was the biggest Gooner you knew. Her high praise of the Arsenal team made you feel reassured in your choices knowing that they referred to themselves as a found family.

You hadn't told you dad you were leaving. He was still living in Kansas, still sleeping on the same broken mattress, still eating at the same dining table your mum had shot herself at. If you looked closely at the right back leg, her blood was still splattered across it. Your dad didn't deserve to know where you were.

Heathrow airport was a nightmare to navigate with a trolley of suitcases. Emily Fox, who you knew from the National team, had agreed to pick you up from the airport and let you stay with her until you found your own place. It was something you were nervous about, you got on well with Emily but you'd never spent enough time with her to warrant any type of closeness.

'Em!' you bounded into the arrivals terminal, suitcases in tow, as you spotted the older girl. She stood grinning slightly and holding a sign that read 'Dorothy' which had become your nickname during international breaks after the girls found out you were originally from Kansas.

'Hey!' Emily took in your dishevelled appearance, she'd never been able to understand your habit of constantly appearing like you'd dressed yourself in the dark. 'God Leah is going to have a heart attack when she looks through your wardrobe'

'That's a mean thing to say to someone who's just got off a nine hour flight'

'I'm sure you'll survive, Dorothy.' Emily grabbed half your luggage and led you out to her car. You shiver at the icy chill in the air, suddenly wishing you were wearing a coat.

'Is it always this cold?' You groan, already knowing the answer. This was England after all.

'Stop complaining and help me get your stuff into the car' Emily unlocked the boot and hauled your cases inside. You couldn't help but smirk at how Emily's accent was slowly but surely becoming more British, you hadn't seen her since September and she was definitely becoming indoctrinated with Britishness.

The journey to Emily's apartment was a little less than an hour. She lived in a town called St.Albans, just on the outskirts of London but near to London Colney where Arsenal trained. You sat back quietly for a majority of the car ride, happy for Emily to explain all she'd learnt of London life since making the move.

'You're going to love Kyra' You were told

'Cooney-Cross?' You frown 'Why?'

'She's your age and causes just as much trouble' Emily replied simply. 'She's living with Katie and Caitlin right now until she finds her own place. Never go round there by the way, if they happen to invite you'

You glanced at Emily to see she was grimacing slightly. From what you'd heard Katie and Caitlin were two of the friendliest people on the team, especially Katie. You waited impatiently for Emily to take a sharp corner before she continued.

'It's mayhem there.' she explained. 'It isn't just Kyra living with them, Katie's sister lives there too and Charlie Grant is always there, for some reason. Plus Cooper is so rowdy sometimes'

'Who's Cooper?'

'Katie's cat'

You can't help but think that their house sounded quite fun, really. But you know Emily hates mess and she'd already offered you her home so you decidedly stayed silent. Maybe you'd get an invite if you're lucky.

'Here we are' Emily finally pulls up to a nice looking block of apartments. 'We're on the fourth floor. Beth and Viv live below us. Less, Lotte and Pelova are a few minutes away next to Katie's place.'

'It's like your own private village' you observe, surprised at the close proximity of the players. In the States, nearly everyone on your previous teams had lived at least a ten minute drive apart. 'What about the other girls?'

Emily led you into the building. 'Leah, Kim, Lia and Steph all live about ten minutes that way' she pointed in a direction that you guessed was North but you failed maps so you really had no idea. 'The others all live a little closer to the city centre.'

'Cool. God i can't wait to explore London. Know any good clubs?' you asked Emily knowing she wasn't much of a partier but desperate to wind the the older girl up a little. She paused outside apartment 13 and narrowed her eyes at you.

'Listen, you should be careful over here. I know you're used to the media and fan attention in the States, maybe more than anyone. But Arsenal are massive everywhere, you've already blown up the media with your transfer. Just be...wary, okay?'

The intimate, most personal stories of your life had been splashed across front pages for years now, what could possibly be worse than that?

You were built for pressure, to ignore their harsh words and nasty stories.

You were built for it. Moulded for it.

'Don't worry, Em. I've got this.'

Note to reader. You do not have this.

Next Chapter is going to be fun and short looking at the news stories surrounding your arrival to England :)

part 2

[vryfmi]

there's one major thing that's been nagging on me about l&co adaptation ever since my first watch: if we were to get season 2, how would they set up the conflict of THB?

i can get behind some of reinterpretation of characters and their mannerisms, character traits (i.e. Lockwood dressing less formal and not being a know-it-all, Lucy being less hateful towards George, seeing Kipps as he's actively losing his talent, George Karim being iranian and being very close to his culture in a form of cuisine), some are good, as a fan of books i'd be eager to get to know these characters along side their book counterparts.

but alas, i can't see these characters as the same characters in both medias because too much of their characterisation was changed, and it's really hard to blame on pacing or the lack of screen time. it's the writing. some changes going as far as making me question, what were they supposed to do with this groundwork in the second season.

how would runners set up a conflict of L&Co overworking themselves after gaining fame over solving the bone glass case and accepting all calls they were getting, if show!Lockwood out right says in episode 4 that he's not interested in boring cases? not only does it get rid off of a major characterisation of Lockwood as someone who's, yes, in it for fame, but most importantly he became an agent to "avenge" his family. avenge isn't even the right word, i think. he doesn't want others to be fallen victims to a visitor, doesn't want to see other people lose their loved ones, lose their family to ghosts. not only does it make show!Lockwood rather vain and only fame driven, instead of someone dealing with deep personal trauma, but also loses one of the key points of Holly's introduction to the team. (i also love the reading of LW naming his agency Lockwood&Co as something less selfish and more about him paying a tribute to his family, that without them and visitors taking them away from him, he wouldn't start his agency and wouldn't be able to help other people.)

speaking of Holly's introduction, what exactly would have been her role at the start in the show? L&Co don't seem overworked from the 4 cases they had (2 related to TSS out of 4 in the book, Wimbledon gallows + Bickerstaff's, not counting Wilberforce's ghost and a bunch of not mentioned in dialogue cases i. e. Mrs Barrett's tomb). that already solves the problem of trio not having free time to do chores around the house. but say show says "and now they're overworked" instead of showing, sure, but it doesn't get rid of George's stress cleaning habit.

Holly was introduced as a help, as a support to the way L&Co was already running and over the books she became more than just an assistant but a beloved part of the team. without proper reasoning as to why Lockwood & Co had to get an assistant, Holly's introduction could be messy and unprompted, something like checking a box in the list of what has to happen instead of making it story driven. something like what happened to skull's character.

and a final thing that im iffy about is the ending of the first season. somehow show rushed through and speedran Lockwood's suicidal arc as well as managed to call it out by the end of show's TWS storyline, where books didn't show any progress even by the end of TEG.

but im saying call it out, not resolve. i'd actually appreciate it if show made an effort of showing that such tendencies and lack of self-preservation aren't just resolved in a second, someone saying "stop being suicidal" doesn't magically fix everything. and yet, show still speedran things, especially given that events of the show happen in only 10 days instead of a year, and Lockwood's already made very aware of his reckless behaviour aka throwing himself in danger for people, and, what's even more questionable, for people he barely knows. which, again, contradicts his character and the way he navigates trauma.

these character and plot deviations and inconsistencies may not seem critical at first, but they might build over the course of the series and lead to a complete shift in overall narrative and spirit of L&Co as a story. which i wouldn't want to see as a fan.

to put it simply, i can see why fans want for show to be picked up for a second season, but i can't see how writers could make it coherent because they wrote themselves into a corner.

[i-heart-hxh]

In all honesty why do you think Killua made the number two comment to Gon? I feel like he doesn’t realize how messed up that is to say to someone who has gone through extensive trauma trying to prove himself to a father who also put him in “second place” to something he deemed more important. It was hurtful and I don’t see how that can be repaired now. Even if they do reunite Gon is going to just step on eggshells and fear that even one slip up will cause Killua to just leave him again. Idk I just feel like separation wasn’t the solution here. They needed to talk and then stay together. But “taking a break” rarely works out for any relationship. It also sucks that Gon constantly told Killua how important he was to him but Killua NEVER returned this sentiment verbally so Gon’s just stuck thinking he’s a piece of shit who destroyed his most important relationship. Killua really did just say “screw Gon I have Alluka now”.

Hello!

I don't agree with this interpretation at all; to me, there are a number of complex reasons why Killua made that comment, and I don't think it will destroy their relationship by any means.

This post--In-Depth analysis on the Hidden Reasons behind Gon & Killua's separation scene (ep 147) Why Gon is 'Number 2'--is the best starting point for anyone trying to understand the separation, in my opinion. It's cohesive, uses supporting evidence from the series and demonstrates the careful wording used in the separation, and it makes more sense than any other interpretation I've read of why Killua would make such a comment to Gon. I keep referring back to this post because I truly think it holds keys to understanding the separation that other posts I've seen don't.

In addition to the insight provided in that post--where Killua is trying to put some distance between him and Gon for Gon's safety and well-being, essentially--I also think it's:

a) Partly how Killua is trying to steel himself to leave Gon, by telling himself, Gon, and Alluka that Alluka is his priority for now

b) Part of Killua's campaign of teasing Gon lightheartedly on the topic, to bring it up while at the same time downplaying the emotional effects of what happened between them--because when they're separating is not the right time for them to seriously address it or work through it

I do think the second place comment hurt Gon a little, but...Gon is already aware that he hurt Killua, and after his life was literally saved by Alluka (Nanika), being put in "second place" is not the worst outcome ever, honestly. Plus, it confirms he's still one of the most important people to Killua even after everything that happened between them! Killua is not saying Gon is trash to him now, even though it is a bit of a jab.

I've also said before that I think Togashi had Killua make this comment with awareness that we, as the audience, would be like, "Uh-huh Killua, sure, interesting of you to say this so shortly after you centered your entire life on him for basically the whole series and even seriously considered doing a lovers suicide with this guy..." We're most likely supposed to see it as Killua not being fully honest, even though Alluka does obviously mean a lot to Killua and by necessity she has to be his priority now. Plus, even Alluka herself says she'll give Killua back to Gon after a while. She must have some idea of how much Gon means to Killua, to be so willing to "give him back." I've said this before, but I see this line from Alluka about giving Killua back to Gon as a promise from Togashi to the audience that this isn't forever.

Gon isn't clueless; he knows Killua cares about him even though Killua struggles to express it verbally. The degree of trust and unspoken understanding between them in the dodgeball match is a good (albeit complicated) example of this. The two didn't communicate to the degree they needed to during Chimera Ant Arc, which makes sense because they're young and have their own issues and it was terribly traumatic for both for them, but they also have a good understanding of each other overall, and it's not giving Gon enough credit to assume he has no idea just because Killua hasn't said it. He doesn't know the full extent of Killua's feelings for him, certainly (I hope he will someday!), but he is aware Killua cares about him. Even when it comes to the separation, Killua expressing his pain shows that he still cares about Gon! He's saying that what happened still hurts, because he still cares! He's making light of it, but it's honestly a step in the right direction for him to be discussing it at all. If they can't be honest with each other about how what happened impacted them, they can't heal.

Of course it would be better for their relationship if they talked it out fully and came to some sort of resolution, but neither of them were in a place where they could do that quite yet. Killua is too closed up emotionally and hurting from seeing Gon essentially die in front of him, and Gon needs to recover from essentially throwing his life away and saying those things to Killua that we know he regrets. They do need some time apart to reflect and grow.

Are the two boys in a complicated emotional situation currently? Yes. Do I think this dooms them to never reconnect or heal their relationship? Absolutely not. I see their separation as more of a "We gotta go our separate ways for now because we both have things we have to deal with," (both externally and internally) than anything final. They agree to stay in touch, they express sadness at having to part, they make it clear several times that this is a temporary parting. Why make them clearly unsatisfied with having to part if they're not going to have an opportunity to make things right later?

[sophie-frm-mars]

How does one develop a social support network if they don't already have one? Most advice websites just say some variation of "join a local social group", like a book club or sports club. But like, what if there isn't a club in your area that caters to your interests (i.e. you're not into books or sports)? Also, in my experience, the people in those clubs aren't really looking to provide emotional support for someone who might be going through mental health problems. People in book clubs generally want to talk about books, not sad mental health stuff.

I guess what I'm asking is, how do I build a social support network that actually provides emotional support?

At the end of this question you have asked "how do I build a social support network that actually provides emotional support?" And I think that probably highlights the biggest problem in how you're approaching this. A social support network can provide you options for social support. In other words when you are lonely and want to be around people you know you will have options available to deal with that specific problem. You're not going to walk into any group for people who want a chill space to be around other people and find people who are dying to talk about your problems, unfortunately.

You need to distinguish between resources for you to talk to someone or emotionally self regulate - a therapist or group therapy, therapy guidebooks eg for DBT, crisis lines like Samaritans (you can ring these just to talk, you don't have to be suicidal), solitary hobby time, close friends and family - and social spaces where you are trying to make friends.

I suggest following through on that advice, joining a group where you expect to have a nice time doing a thing you like with others and don't go in expecting to find people who you can talk to about your mental health. It may happen if you become really good friends, but friendships are not a means to an end

[fromchaostocosmos]

Lets talk about trauma

I know that on the many years I've been on this site that the Jewish users of tumblr have discussed, explained, broken down, and shown over and over the multiple ways we are all effected by our generational and communal trauma.

The way that Jews from all over world and varying backgrounds yet all shared the same fears, learned the same survival mechanisms, played the same "games" that were not games, but rather ways to teach children how to survive, just the same everything.

Ask any Jew if nightmares about pogroms and/or the Holocaust and being taken or dying in it and they will tell you yes.

The amount of trauma Jews carry within us is, withing our DNA, within our bodies, within our brains in is immense. We carry several thousands years worth of trauma.

We carry it all. The hypervigilance, that stress cycle, the paranoia, the various of hormones that keep us in semi permanent state of stress, the tension, and more. If you have ever done any research into what trauma does the body, the brain, to a person then you can understand.

Currently Jews who stressed and traumatized people doing our best are being severally stressed and traumatized on a whole new level.

I fear for what this will do to us in the long term. I will not be surprised if Jewish people come out this all with PTSD. I know that I've already had a nightmare where I was at some nebulous Jewish place and a bunch people who came and shot and killed us including me and did so claiming to so in name of freeing Palestine.

Which is sad that I nightmare like that because I shouldn't have to experience that. And Palestinians deserve better than to have antisemites hijacking their cause and needs so that these antisemites can pretend that they are not antisemities.

It is honestly very sad to watch how much of the pro-Palestine movement/people do not actually listen to Palestinians themselves. How much they do not care about what Palestinians want, think, or need. How much this movement supports Hamas despite Gazans direct statements and feelings that say don't support Hamas. How much these groups still will push "charities" that send funding to Hamas or not credible instead of ones that give help to Palestinians.

The self-immolation of the air force man really cemented for how much this movement has been over taken and how little they care for what Palestinians think, say, or want. Because these people have been praising, lionizing, and glorifying this man death is direct defiance of what Palestinians have said.

The way this man death has been treated and talked about makes me extremally worried, and I know other Jews are too, that we may see suicide bombers attacking Jewish centers of life and community. Which in case it isn't clear then I want to make clear this not something I blame Palestinians or Muslims for.

No, this is something we are seeing from people living in the west who culturally Christian.

The way these people talk about martyrdom is terrifying. The way that they talk about Jews is I want to say horrifying and I want to terrifying because it is and it is all not anything new or suprising.

It is horrific, it is disturbing, and there are moments of shock, but not surprise.

I don't know if it is because I've just become numb or because it is the shit gets regurgitated over and over or maybe some combination of both.

Here is a picture of pomegranate for making to the end of this rather depressing post. Pomegranates are wonderful and make things better.

[pawberri]

I have one teeny tiny question pertinent to your post about psychosis screening: what if I already know I'm psychotic but I like not knowing what the inside of grippy sock jail is like?

Forced institutionalization is a real risk for psychotic people, but is more likely if you have negative interactions with police or people like ER nurses and/or admit to being so suicidal that you are a risk to yourself (you shouldn't be automatically institutionalize you for saying you're suicidal) or so violent that you're a risk to others (you shouldn't be automatically institutionalize you for any violent thoughts.) Your admissions to a psychiatrist, psych evaluation psychologist, or therapist about psychosis should not risk institutionalization. Having a psychotic disorder diagnosis won't result in institutionalization. The info also isn't publicly available to anyone, and only government orgs like the DMV can really get access to your diagnostic info AFAIK.

But if you're concerned

1. Be careful of how you respond to "do you want to harm yourself or others" questions. (i.e I used to say "I have thoughts but don't want to act on them") Most therapists know that they have a legal duty to report certain things, but good ones will try to avoid doing so unless it's very extreme.

2. Don't talk to the cops, and be careful how you act around non-mental health medical professionals (like if you're in the ER for a mental health emergency)

3. Getting into therapy and psychiatry will help you avoid forced institutionalization by cops by helping you have control of yourself and not risk public breakdowns that could be punished by the cops by 50150ing

4. If you are 50150ed, they can only keep you for two to four days against your will before having to go through the court to keep you there. Usually you'll have the option to become a voluntary patient after (aka gain the ability to leave.) Court ordered institutionalization is meant to be the "last resort" and hard to do, but there are cases where psychotic people are not given a fair shake in these court hearings. Having a psychiatrist, therapist, and support system will help you in this scenario, though. It will also help to avoid ever being subjected to the court system to begin with.

6. Make sure your therapist is a leftist or someone who believes that the mentally ill deserve human rights and not to be institutionalized. There are websites like inclusivetherapist where therapists are clear on their politics. Be careful with what info you give to your psychiatrist.

None of it guarantees safety, and we live in an unjust world, so there's always risk, but getting help is worth some amount of risk. This gets worse with racism and other intersectionalities. You should also research the law in your country and state. The worst outcome is not guaranteed

[f-imaginings]

sooo i’m currently rereading kmky and im at the point where stanford gets upset that bill didn’t show up to ONE dream and just stops sleeping for 10 months (definitely not extreme on his part😭) and it’s got me thinking about later in the fic when he’s made it his life’s mission to Kill Bill ® and i cant help but wonder what would’ve happened if he had succeeded, this is the same man who freaked out from not having bill in his dreams so how the hell did he plan to cope without bill in existence

----------------

I get the feeling that he wouldn't have succeeded. A key point about Bill in my own lil head canon is that he's very hard to kill. The parallels between Bill and Zippy were very purposeful in kmky. The attitude he developed after outliving his people and the many assassination attempts from more powerful beings over the years is similar to Zippy's "what are you going to do about it? Kill me bitch!" attitude. The interesting thing about Zippy though is that she eventually found her equal in Jolene of Flames. Jolene isn't immortal though (unless Bill gave it as a wedding present) so Zippy might lapse back into destructive behaviours if Jolene ever passes away.

Back to Stanford though, he was in a downward spiral since the bibliosphere. He was disappointed he didn't die. He then goes off to find out more about Bill only to wake up with Bill literally cut out of his head courtesy of Jheselbraums metal plate. Jheselbraum sends him on a mission to build this gun playing on that hopelessness all "here's a purpose now you've hit rock bottom, it'll solve all your problems BC you're destined to kill Bill. You can trust me I'm an Oracle, you totally have the face of the man who'll take Bill down" and he just accepts this without really challenging it in any way BC he is already despondent in a way that Bill is out of his head. Bill made him feel important. He could have taken his new metal plate and gone to live out his life elsewhere happily but he wants to feel important and he wants to see Bill one last time, like some romantic hero, thinking they're destined to destroy each other, thinking that feels right.

When he was in the alternate world with the Institute of Oddology he came across as a man on a suicide mission and realised it too after spending enough time with Fiddleford, enough to be scared a little of the prospect, of realising how much he could lose by pursuing this, but he did it anyway, jumping into the portal to go kill Bill. This wasn't his Fiddleford, this wasn't his life that had been built up to such great heights so it was easier to give up on the idea of staying around for these things.

He was fully expecting to die, and I think he would have straight up broken down if Bill didn't kill him. If Bill caught him or kept him alive he would have in a way expected punishment or a solution somehow. They were both equally thrilled at the prospect of chasing each other down, like it was a special treat for them to each fill that role of hunter/prey in turn.

When the Portal opened and he's back with his family he would still feel justified or righteous in a way because his destiny wasn't stopped, just interrupted and now he has more reason than ever to prevent Bill from accessing earth. He starts getting more to live for outside of Bill and more parts of his life he wants to protect. He had zero support structure before but now he has concrete things to live for and put above this cat and mouse back and forth.

If he had succeeded he probably would have felt more guilt than is canon typical, I think Stanley making the big sacrifice redirected his guilt in canon to be more balanced. If he managed to down Bill in one shot I think he would have felt triumphant and also felt like he would have to hide his sadness from the kids and his family, and it would probably eat away at him until someone noticed and lanced the boil of those emotions so he could grieve freely. He'd be with family at that point though, and old friends, ppl who knew what Bill was like. I imagine Fiddleford would be great comfort to him, knowing that while Bill was generally awful he showed his good sides only to Stanford and that meant something. I think that could eventually help him heal from it.

Anyway super long rambley answer sorry if I got a little off task there but I hope this somewhat covers it.

[billyjoecobra]

JOSEPH JOESTAR CHARACTER ANALYSIS (1)

I never see anyone talk or analyze Joseph very often in the fandom, which is tragic because i believe he's very complex!! So here's some thoughts to chew on, rattle around in your head a bit. It's all under the cut, and it is LONG AS HELL because i have a LOT to say on him!!! Warning though, it's not super properly punctuated as these are discord rambles of mine, but -- enjoy nonetheless!!

i think it's super interesting to note how every time someone puts joseph down, or does something shitty to him, he just doesn't care. not a single bit. he even says it's fine, maybe even deserved sometimes. he assumes people always thinks the worst of him, and yet doesn't really care aside from the one time he dressed in drag and got insulted about it. even then he was just kind of, "man. i looked hot though.." however every time someone even remotely upsets his friends or hurts those who don't deserve it or his family he goes. ABSOLUTELY APESHIT. he will get SO fighty.

he will immediately throw hands and hurt you physically without thinking about it he likes to put assholes in their place sometimes (i.e. the taxi driver, the nazis who insulted him. and any nazi really ) but that is different than really caring about what they say to him. i think he has a very strong moral code, though people tend to see him as quite dubious because of his loud and obnoxious behavior every consequence to his actions, he only worries what others close to him will think and he can easily be driven to a blind rage revenge if you dare to hurt his family in any way. because you DONT fuck with his family. family is the no. 1 thing he cares about

beating up racist cops? he only feels bad because he doesn't want to stress out erina with the thought of bailing him out. told speedwagon is dead? he's upset, but he keeps his cool and throws a punch at the guy for upsetting erina, and worries more about her comfort than his own. guys hijacking a plane and holding him hostage? he couldnt care less if he was the hostage, he only cared enough to stop it because it might risk getting speedwagon hurt. and it goes on

and for the sake of his family he keeps purposefully trying to risk himself to death repeatedly. when fighting kars lets not forget when he shot kars into space and his thoughts were about how he was ok with dying if it meant his family was safe i think . and i said this before this is just me getting my thoughts out way more eloquently with points i've already touched on before. but.

in a non emo way, it's really hit me how he isn't like. beat up about it. about assuming ppl always think the worst of him. he cares way more about others than himself type of guy thats like similar to "they're friendly but after awhile of their support and talking to them you realize to your horror you dont actually know anything about them at all" other than he's like. bold and brash and likes to start fights sometimes oh and lest we forget he also tends to take the death of loved ones so hard to the point that no matter the circumstances true causes he always blames himself.

he always blames himself and gets a bit. ummmmm i wouldn't say suicidal but like way too risky with his life and stops really caring if he'll die. he's just so used to nobody ever understanding him and his "off kilter" tbh neurodivergent way of thinking and living that he. like. he doesn't exactly have great self image beyond thinking he has sexy lips which sounds so silly but it's true and again it's not something he dwells on it's just kind of, A Fact to him. and this isn't even touching on the slew of issues i'm sure speedwagon's constant comparing of him to his dead grandfather must have caused.

It's very evident to me that he has ALWAYS felt like a burden to some degree i think. even when erina and speed havent really treated him as such. This is why I think his dynamic with speedwagon would be pretty strained / already seems as such -- bc. As I said before, he's ALWAYS comparing him to jonathan, even when he was just a kid.

NOW BY ALL MEANS!! I DO NOT THINK speedwagon means any ill will. it's just something that he just keeps.. doing because. well he respected jonathan so much, and it kind of clouds how he sees joseph because -- well, joseph is the SPITTING IMAGE of him. But not intending harm does not mean he hasn't caused any by doing that -- comparison can WRECK you pretty bad. joseph has made it clear that he knows he's nothing like jonathan in any regards except looks and i think it kind of contributes to his overall. tanked self image. and also the fact that he's a reminder of the tragedy of losing his parents ( or so they thought for a while. yk )

he deeply cares for him still, this much is true. he always will. but, it doesn't negate the serious comparison issue, constantly being told "WOW you have an attitude not at ALL like your grandpa, he would have never done x!! how do you look like him while being such an angry kid!!"

..... said without real malice or really bad intention, more out of exasperation. but. those kinds of things stick with kids. yknow? Joseph's always bottled up his emotions and tried to be on his best behavior for erina's sake. hes always a little more open with speedwagon. but .............. BWGHGURUGURGGH!!!!!!! i could go on for hours about it ok. but i shall move on to my next point now.

what sucks about it though is that the fandom tends to gloss over these bit of characterization at every turn. there is a lot of sadness and concerning things surrounding joseph that he just simply SHRUGS OFF about that it's kinda concerning! not that he'd ever really see a problem with it.

the fact that he was prepared to die / did the bet if only to distract them long enough to let caesar and speedwagon get away... you COULD maybe read it as a little bit of self preservation but given how he handles literally all other instances of him possibly dying., and the circumstances of him leading whammuu away being to SAVE those two. I think it yet again falls in line with "who gaf if i die i care if THEY die". then he gets stressed about the time he has left. which i imagine would stress ANYONE honestly. but . part of me thinks that it's also because this means that he has a short time to make sure he can be strong enough to protect everyone he loves and cares for..

that isn't ALL there is, of course. but i feel like with his behavior that is probably a big reason of it. You can summarize it all with one sentence; essentially,

joseph isn't afraid of death, nor dying himself; he's afraid of his loved ones dying.

This fact is extremely present in everything he does and says, but especially so when Caesar's death hits. THAT, however, i will make it's own post on. I have a lot to say on that and how it fucked him up for life. For now, though, I will move on and touch on another topic.

for all the loud opinions joseph seems to also speak none of it is ever really looked into much deeper as anything more than " he's just being joseph again" and he never really elaborates on it either, hence why a lot of people don't know much about him. While he is schrodinger's himbo -- too stupid to be smart, too smart to be stupid -- it's clearly all an act to get people to lower their expectations of him. He doesn't like being taken as a joke though. that he is a hater of for sure so. Joseph hides his true self behind a mask of idiocy and lackadaisical attitude to the point where it's blended into his actual truest self and he can hardly tell what's real and what's the mask. But at the same time, Joseph gets very angry when nobody takes him seriously because of his facade and trying to make everyone lower their expectations of him so he can pull the rug out from under them.

He's so mad when people don't take him serious but then continues to act pretty unserious and it's like. Well if you want them to take you more seriously bro you should stop doing that. Stop lowering others expectations so you can kick their asses or have a general upper hand just in case ( but he won't 💖)

he is a bit of a polarizing character but i hate when fandom reduces him to just "funny goofster" or ""cheater"", or writes him off as annoying with no depth to him. To judge Joseph through a lense of solely good or solely bad is a terrible idea; that man is gray moraled as HELL, he has a strong sense of self justice while also being incredibly underhanded and sneaky. If you dislike him, that's fine -- but don't discount his complexity just cause of that!!! He's not puddle deep, there's a lot of facets to how truly fucked up he is.

yeah. he is goofy, and he's a cheater at many things. but there's a lot to him. HE'S COMPLEX!!!!

[warabidakihime]

Resilience in the Rain

Characters: ADA!Dazai x Reader Synopsis: Amidst the downpour of life's trials, they found solace in each other's embrace within the quiet halls of the deserted Agency office. Alone, their love became a shelter in the storm, nurturing their resilience and kindling a flame of hope that could withstand any tempest. Trigger/Content Warning: This story contains themes of emotional distress, self-hatred, guilt, vulnerability, suicidal tendencies, self-harm, and suicide. It explores complex emotions and may depict scenes that involve these sensitive topics. If you or someone you know is struggling with these issues, please reach out to a mental health professional or helpline. A/N: I wanted to take a moment to chat with you about this fanfic. As someone who struggles with mental health, I've got a personal connection to the topic, and I really want to explore it in my own way. Mental health is important, and I want to raise awareness and offer some comfort to anyone who's going through a tough time.

Now, I gotta be real with you. This story touches on some heavy stuff. We're talking about emotions running wild, self-hatred, guilt, and all that messy stuff. It even dives into subjects like suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and suicide. But listen, I'm not here to glamorize or make light of these things. Instead, I wanna shed light on the struggles people face and emphasize the importance of seeking help and understanding.

While you're reading, please take care of yourself. If anything gets too overwhelming, reach out to a mental health pro or helpline. Remember, you're not alone, and there are folks out there who care and wanna help.

Thanks for joining me on this journey. Let's spread some awareness, empathy, and support for mental health, one chapter at a time!

P.S this wasn't proof read, so i'm sorry for any inconsistency. i was making this in the office lol.

-

The rain poured relentlessly, drenching the streets of Yokohama as the Armed Detective Agency headquarters stood steadfast amidst the downpour. After a particularly grueling mission, you couldn't contain your concerns and frustrations any longer. You found Dazai nursing his wounds in a dimly lit corner of the headquarters, a faint smile dancing on his lips. Meanwhile Kunikida and the others have already returned to their respectful dorms.

You approached him, your voice laced with worry. "Osamu, until when are you going to keep this up?"

Dazai glanced up, his eyes gleaming with mischief. "Ah, my dear Y/N, are you worried about me? How sweet. But rest assured, I'm always one step away from the edge, and yet, I remain standing."

Dazai, with his usual nonchalant demeanor, brushed off your very valid concerns with another dark joke, but this time, it only fueled the fire within you. Your frustration reached its boiling point, and your voice rose, shaking with sheer frustration.

"Osamu!" you shouted, your voice echoing through the room. "Enough with the jokes and deflections! This isn't a game! Do you even realize how much your self-destruction tears me apart? How useless it makes me feel that I can't do anything to help you, despite giving my all?"

Dazai's mask faltered, revealing a flicker of vulnerability as your words struck home. But before he could respond, you continued, your voice filled with raw emotion.

"I love you, damn it! I love you more than anything, and yet you push me away with your reckless behavior. How can you disregard your own life, knowing that I'm right here, willing to stand by your side? It hurts, Osamu, to see you care so little about yourself, even when you have someone who would give anything to keep you safe!"

Your voice wavered, tears streaming down your face as you poured out your heart. The room grew heavy with silence as the weight of your words hung in the air. The truth had been laid bare, leaving Dazai with no choice but to confront the pain he had inflicted.

Dazai's eyes widened, his carefree facade crumbling further. He reached out, but the words escaped him, his throat tight with remorse. The realization of the magnitude of his actions crashed over him like a tidal wave, shattering the walls he had built.

"I... I didn't..." Dazai stammered, his voice barely a whisper.

But you weren't done yet. You took a step closer, your voice filled with a mix of anguish and determination.

"I can't watch you destroy yourself anymore, Osamu," you said, your voice firm. "I can't keep picking up the pieces of your shattered soul, only for you to throw them aside again. You need to make a choice, for your own sake and your sake only. Don’t you think it’s time to break this vicious cycle?"

Dazai's eyes glistened with unshed tears, his mask finally crumbling completely.

Venom started to bubble in his throat, causing him to hesitate before opening his mouth. Regret, self-hatred, helplessness, and guilt devoured him as he gazed at you through seemingly indifferent eyes that now glistened with unshed tears. The weight of your words, the pain etched on your face, and the love that had long been overshadowed by darkness crashed over him, leaving him vulnerable and broken. 

In that moment, the walls he had built around his heart crumbled, and the armor he wore so proudly shattered, exposing the rawness of his emotions to the one person who had managed to touch his soul. You watched him, your heart aching but also hopeful. This was the moment of reckoning, the catalyst for change. You reached out, your hand hovering over his trembling shoulder, a silent offer of support.

"Osamu, my love," you said, your voice soft yet resolute. "You and I both know this can't go on. Sooner or later, we have to move forward. I'm not rushing you to heal, but I am urging you to start. Not just for me, but most especially for yourself."

The room fell into a heavy silence as Dazai wrestled with his emotions. Tears welled up in his eyes, the weight of his actions crashing down upon him. He sank to his knees, his trembling hands covering his face, trying to hold back the flood of emotions threatening to consume him.

In that vulnerable moment, you approached him, your heart breaking for the man you loved. You knelt down beside him, your hand gently resting on his shoulder. Dazai looked up, his tear-streaked face revealing the pain he had long kept hidden.

"I'm sorry, Y/N," he choked out, his voice raw and filled with regret. "I didn't realize how much my actions were hurting you. I never intended to make you feel useless or unimportant."

You swallowed the lump in your throat, your own tears mingling with the raindrops falling outside. "Osamu, it's not about being useless. It's about sharing the burden and supporting each other through the darkest moments. I can't fix you, but I can be there for you. But you have to let me in."

Dazai clutched at your hand, his grip desperate yet filled with hope. "Y/N, I know where you're coming from; it's just that I've been a coward, avoiding the truth about myself and my emotions. I've been a bigger idiot for finding comfort in stagnation. But I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to face my fears, confront my flaws, and become the best version of myself."

The weight of his words hung in the air, a fragile promise of a brighter future. You both knew that healing wouldn't happen overnight and that the journey ahead would be filled with challenges and setbacks. But as you looked into Dazai's eyes, you saw a newfound determination, a flicker of the man he could and can become.

The rain had finally ceased, leaving behind a tranquil atmosphere in the aftermath of the storm. The Armed Detective Agency headquarters, once filled with tension, now carried a sense of calmness. You and Dazai found yourselves seeking serendipity in each other's presence, finding comfort in the quiet moments shared between the two of you.

As the last rays of moonlight filtered through the window, casting a gentle glow across the room, you approached Dazai. Your eyes met, and a silent understanding passed between them. Without a word, you reached out and cupped his face tenderly, your thumb caressing his cheeks.

With a tender smile, you closed the distance between you, your lips meeting in a gentle yet passionate kiss. It started as a simple connection, a way to affirm your love and draw strength from one another, as well as a promise that you would never, ever leave his side. As the kiss deepened, fueled by the pent-up emotions and desire, it threatened to escalate into something more fervent.

Yet, in that moment of intense connection, you pulled away, your breath mingling with Dazai's. You gazed into each other's eyes, your chests rising and falling in synchrony. You continue to graze your fingertips on Dazai's cheek, tracing the lines of his face as if committing every detail to memory.

He leaned into the touch, a soft sigh escaping his lips. The weariness of the day, both physically and emotionally, weighed heavily on you both. The two of you had weathered the storm together and fought your battles, and now it was time to find solace in each other's arms.

His eyes searched yours, his gaze filled with a mixture of love, possessiveness, and a tinge of insecurity. His emotions, usually hidden behind a facade of nonchalance, were now laid bare before you.

"I love you, Y/N," Dazai whispered, his voice tinged with a hint of desperation. "More than anything in this world, I can't bear the thought of losing you."

His words, filled with a newfound intensity, sent shivers down your spine. His usual cool and collected aura had transformed into a mix of passion and a touch of distress.

But instead of being scared or overwhelmed, you welcomed and embraced his heightened emotions. You understood that Dazai's love for you was profound, a force that consumed him and left him vulnerable. And you were more than ready to reciprocate, to ease his worries and soothe his restless soul.

"Osamu," you whispered, "I'm here, right here with you. I'm not going anywhere."

His grip on you tightened ever so slightly, as if afraid that you might disappear if he let go. You leaned in, your lips grazing his ear as you whispered, "You are the only one for me, Osamu. No matter what happens, I'll always be by your side."

As your words sank in, Dazai's tense posture began to relax. He realized that his fears and insecurities were unwarranted and that you were steadfast in your love for him. With a mix of relief and renewed determination, he kissed you once more, his lips conveying a mixture of passion and adoration.

The world around you faded away, leaving only the two of you immersed in a bubble of love and trust. The room seemed to melt into a blur of colors as your bodies swayed with an unspoken rhythm, your connection deepening with every touch and caress.

As the kiss finally broke, you both were left breathless, your foreheads still pressed together. Dazai looked into your eyes, a mixture of vulnerability and adoration shining through his gaze.

"I don’t deserve you; you’re way too precious for someone like me, but thank you for loving me despite my flaws and for seeing the best in me. I promise to cherish you, protect you, and be the best version of myself for you," he murmured, his voice filled with reverence and devotion.

As tears welled up in your eyes, you were overcome by the profoundness of his words and the genuine emotion in his voice. "Deserve is such a powerful word, Osamu. There are countless individuals who are just as imperfect as we are, yet that doesn't automatically make us inherently wicked, right? I love every aspect of you, the parts you deem as flaws and virtues alike," you declared, your voice brimming with unwavering love.

Your words hung in the air, wrapping around them like a promise. In that intimate moment, both of you found strength, renewal, and a shared understanding. You knew the path ahead wouldn't be easy, but together, you were ready to face the challenges and forge a future built on love, trust, and healing.

With a smile, Dazai leaned in once again, capturing your lips in a gentle yet passionate kiss. It was a celebration of your love and an affirmation of the bond you had forged through the trials you faced.

And in that transformative moment, Dazai Osamu felt the weight of his burdens lift, liberated from the shackles that had bound him for so long. And it was all thanks to you.

-

After an eventful day at the ADA office, you and Dazai finally retreated to the comfort of your apartment, seeking peace and quiet. The chilly evening air prompted you to opt for a heartwarming hotpot dinner, a perfect choice to warm your souls.

As you set the table with an array of fresh ingredients and fragrant broths, Dazai made a sly gesture, revealing a hidden stash of sake. Your eyebrows shot up in a mixture of surprise and amusement, realizing the ungodly amount of alcohol he had squirreled away. With a deadpan expression, you couldn't help but playfully scold him for his excess.

You knew that part of Dazai's healing journey involved acknowledging and breaking free from his unhealthy habits, and excessive drinking was one of them. With genuine concern, you made it clear to him that going forward, he needed to be mindful of his alcohol intake. Dazai's playful pout surfaced, but beneath it, he understood and appreciated your intentions. He promised to be more mindful of his health, realizing the importance of taking care of himself.

As the evening unfolded, the apartment filled with a harmonious symphony of laughter and lighthearted banter. You and Dazai reveled in each other's company, sharing inside jokes and good-natured jabs. The stresses of the day melted away, replaced by a sense of comfort and contentment.

With every hearty slurp of hotpot and every sip of sake, the bond between you grew stronger. The shared meal became a symbol of nourishment not only for the body but also for the soul. As the day drew to a close, you found solace in the simple pleasures of being together, basking in the warmth of laughter and the undeniable connection that bound you.