#there are other things too but I'm not going to list them here

[snailune]

Here's how I've planned to help myself with this in the new year.

I'm not, you know, any person of real authority on anything this covers, but maybe my plans could help you. I don't believe there is ever an expiration on getting yourself back, or making a new self from the old.

1. Acknowledging why you became a ghost is important in treating yourself like a person. From what I've seen, it's more common to have multiple issues than just one when it comes to losing or not knowing yourself. It's more likely been something that has served you at some point that isn't anymore, or went too far, or something out of your immediate control. Acknowledging this is the first step to understanding that you are not a permeable thing, that cause and effect happen to you. If you've lost enough to believe that the things you do have no effect on the world, the first step in getting that sense back is this.

2. Are you safe? Judge whether you are materially unsafe from expressing yourself in any way that could come up. If you are, you might not be able to do everything in it's full capacity, but you will be able to tear down some constructs in your own head to be more yourself. You can still do something. It's important to note that you'll probably feel the urge to hide away or suppress things when you first start expressing yourself, but that is a bit different than being unsafe.

3. Stop the urge to hide all of your dislikes from yourself and start small. Allow yourself to dislike something (a food, maybe?) and don't try to force your will to be tolerant of it, even if you don't express that dislike to other people yet.

4. If you're transgender, and have the will and means to, transition. Pick out a name and only use it to refer to yourself when thinking. Ask trusted friends to call you something different to test it out. If you're questioning, allow yourself to think about how you want to be perceived without the fear of someone reaching in and judging you for them. There is no thought you can be punished for. Of course, you can do bigger things, like starting medically transitioning if you want (and that is encouraged), but you can start small if it's scary, too. I don't think there's one thing on this list that has worked better for me than medically and socially transitioning.

5. Look back on what you liked as a child and try it out again. Not everything will be winners, there's some things that were just better in the past than now, but you might rekindle something that is near to you enough to call a personality trait, too. If you don't have any memory of the things you liked in your youth, it's the perfect time to explore things, especially if they're hobbies that everyone else has seemed to be doing since childhood.

6. Be more social, and/or ask your friends to reassure you that they know you. Talking to people in any capacity can help make yourself feel more like a real person if you connect at all. If you have trusted friends, ask them if they'd list some traits about you that they know of. Help establish a foundation of moving around in the world.

7. Take special notice in the little things you like. I just realized I like cut up raw veggies instead of a lot of Actual prepared dishes. Thinking of this as a fun journey rather than something someone should have figured out about themselves years ago makes it easier.

These are in essence my resolutions for the new year. If you are also going through something similar, we are in this together! Good luck to you, I hope you find joy, happiness, and contentment.

oooohhhh ok. the more you deny yourself the more you lose yourself

[dominiquelucalover]

Center of Danger | Dominique Luca x Pregnant!Reader

Summary: Your Tuesday plans are put on hold when you're caught in the middle of a bank robbery, but as if that didn't put a damper on your day, going into labor in the middle of it certainly did.

CW: fem!reader, pregnancy, labor, hostage situation, guns, death threats, death, blood, mild descriptions of violence, pre-established relationship. If any of these topics trigger you in any way, please do not read. Your wellbeing is so important.

A/N: I tried to make reader a behavioral analysis expert who works with S.W.A.T. but I don't know how well I incorporated that. ( not me trying to flex my Criminal Minds knowledge like a fucking nerd.) PS: I spent four straight hours writing this lol. and nother hour and a half proofreading and editing (and adding a whole 'nother fucking thing to the end of this jfc) (I'm having fun lol)

Your day had been going well. You went to one of your final doctors appointments before you were supposed to have the baby, you'd grabbed some of the last minute things on your baby list, and you were going over what you needed from the grocery store while you stood in line at the bank. It was one of those errands that you couldn't put off doing anymore, especially with the impending birth of your child, so it seemed easy enough to get out of the way today while you were already out and about. Unfortunately, a group of greedy, grubby-handed robbers decided to ruin those plans.

You couldn't lay on the ground like they wanted everyone to, which already irritated not only them but you too. The floor was uncomfortable as you sat against one of the desks while everyone else was forced to lay face down and not to move. It was a tense situation as the three robbers made the tellers fill their bags, one you wished would be over soon.

However, the robbers had already fucked up and got themselves stuck in the bank. A teller had sounded the silent alarm and in a fit of anger, one of the criminals shot the security officer dead. Another one freaked out because "no one was supposed to die" and seemed to be on the verge of tears, but it was hard to tell because they were all wearing plastic Halloween masks. This was turning out to be the worst bank robbery you had ever witnessed, not that you had ever actually witnessed a bank robbery but you had studied plenty.

"Shit, man! The cops are here!" one of the robbers all but growled. He turned his weapon on the tellers with a nasty glare from behind his ghoul mask. "Which one of you sounded the alarm, huh? Fucking idiots!"

He shot at the ceiling suddenly, causing people to scream. You jumped and held your belly protectively, taking a deep breath as you tried to stay calm. However, your blood pressure was already up and you could hear your heartbeat in your ears. The baby was kicking, sensing your distress, and you rubbed your bump in an attempt to soothe them.

"Cool it!" another of the robbers chastised his buddy, seething with anger behind his devil mask. "You're gonna need those bullets. So chill the fuck out."

"I'll do as I damn-well please," the first one said, then walked away, seeming to look for another way out.

The freaked-out robber stayed out of the conversation, seeming more subservient to the other two. He just stood the to side, watching over the hostages like he'd been told to, hiding behind his clown mask. You knew from that if any of them were going to break first, it was him.

As things around you began to calm down, you leaned your head back on the desk and took even, deep breaths. Of course, the quiet couldn't last long.

A couple were whispering to each other a few feet away and as soon as the robber with the devil mask, who seemed to be the leader, caught wind of it, he stomped over and pointed his gun at the woman's head. "I said to keep quiet! You want me to blow her head off?"

"No, please! We'll be quiet!" the man begged.

"I should make sure you stay quiet for good," the leader said, teasing the trigger of his gun. The grin of his devil mask made the scene more unsettling.

At that moment, you felt a sharp pain in your belly and let out a heavy groan. All eyes turned to you and watched as you withered in your spot. You were caught between pain and confusion, hoping that you weren't going into labor. You weren't due for another three and a half weeks. Your baby couldn't come now, this was the worst-case scenario. Anywhere else but in the middle of a robbery would have been ideal.

The devil walked over to see what you were doing, letting out a frustrated groan. "Oh, for fuck's sake! Give me a break!"

You looked up at him as the contraction passed, irritated and not ready to give birth. You spat, "Sorry to ruin your parade!"

He pointed his gun at you but the clown ran over and pushed it down. "Dude, you can't shoot a pregnant lady!"

The leader looked at him, then walked away muttering under his breath about how this was going terribly and how the last thing he needed was a baby to mess it up further.

It was about that time one of the phones rang and he walked over to answer it, knowing it was the police outside. It was about time, but you thought that perhaps they needed a negotiator to show up, which was unfortunate for you. A few minutes earlier and you might not be in the early stages of labor right now.

"What do you want?" Devil asked brashly.

You couldn't hear who was on the other side of the call, sitting too far away. You watched closely, hoping your boyfriend was outside with his team. It would be the perfect fantasy if he came to your rescue; besides, they were the best S.W.A.T. team in LA. What were the chances that they weren't here?

The phone call only lasted about two minutes before the leader hung up having made no demands. He laughed, shaking his head. "They think I'm an idiot."

The ghoul came back into the room and grunted. "They've got the whole place surrounded! They probably have snipers ready to kill us if we walk outta here. What do we do?"

Devil thought for a moment, then gestured with his gun at the people laying on the floor. "Put them in front of the doors and windows. Use them as a shield. They won't shoot in here with hostages in the way and it'll give us time to think."

His accomplices nodded and started getting people up, guiding them with their guns to form a line around the center of the bank. The patrons followed orders dutifully and linked their arms together, their lives put further in danger by their captors.

The leader came over to you and grabbed your arm, but the clown came over and asked him what he was doing. "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting her off her ass."

"She's pregnant, man," he said, his voice a little more confident than before. He didn't seem to like that you were there at all, but as soon as his bossy friend came near you, he jumped to your aid. "Just leave her alone."

"You questioning me?"

He seemed to think on his feet. "I'm just saying, if the cops know we got a pregnant lady in here, thye're gonna get more aggressive. They'll try harder to get in here. Think about it, man."

"Kid's got a point," Ghoul said, looking over. "She'll be our secret weapon."

Devil looked between them and shook his head, letting you go. "Fine, maybe you're right... this time. We'll see."

He walked away to make sure the wall of hostages was cooperating, looking out the glass doors and windows at the front of the bank to evaluate what his next move should be. He took slow, calculated steps, taunting the police and the hostages at the same time.

Another contraction hit you and you whimpered, holding your stomach and slightly curling up. The clown crouched down beside you, looking at you with wide eyes from behind his mask. He stuttered, "A-are you okay?"

"Do I look okay?" you asked through clenched teeth. He looked down, almost ashamed for asking the question. You would feel bad if he wasn't hiding his identity and holding a large automatic gun on his back. Once the pain passed, you breathed out. "How old are you?"

"Doesn't matter," he answered.

"Sure it does. They called you kid," you told him, making him look up at you. "Means they don't respect you."

"That's not true," he said, shaking his head. He stood up and walked away, but looked back at you as he did. That was how you knew you did it. You planted that seed of doubt in his mind.

The next call came in not that long after, but Devil made one of the hostages answer the phone, a terrified older man who had been there to help his son open a bank account. He instructed the man on what to say, telling the officer on the other end that they wanted an armored car and a one way trip out of the country for the three of them, all within the next hour. It wasn't possible, you thought, which you were sure was what they were told before the hostage was made to hangup the phone with the promise that if their demands weren't met by that time, someone else was going to die.

The time seemed to pass sluggishly. You wouldn't have known it was going by at all were it not for the contractions picking up speed. You had read all your books about pregnancy and birth, so you knew that wasn't a great sign in this particular situation. Your labor seemed to be fast approaching, but you didn't want it to be. Were this in line with your birth plan, that would be ideal. However, a speedy birth was not on your agenda for the day.

"Tick-tock, tick-tock," Devil taunted as he walked the line of hostages again. He'd been pacing behind them to needlessly remind them of his presence. It was cruel and having to watch him was intense. "Five more minutes."

"What if they get us what we want?" Clown asked, looking at his friend.

The leader shook his head. "They won't get us what we want. They'll try to bribe us with less than what we asked for just to get us outside."

"So you're just gonna kill one?"

"Yup."

A woman in line cried out at hearing this and she was snapped at to shut up by the ghoul. He held a gun to her back and laughed at her terror as she tried to muffle her cries.

Clown watched, clutching his gun to his chest, before looking at Devil. "Wasn't killing the guard enough?"

"Not until we get out of here with the money and our lives," the leader answered, then shoved him. "Now shut up and do your job."

You watched as the 'kid' shook his head and walked away, listening to the devil without another question. Paying attention to everything else around you was the only thing keeping you from going insane from the pain. It was more persistent now and you felt the baby had moved lower. It was getting harder to keep your cool as all you wanted to do was yell and kick your feet at these guys who had forced you into early labor.

You were trying not to think about the time passing, watching Devil pace back and forth behind the line. He was looking at them, gun pointed at their backs. Then, suddenly, another sharp contraction shot through you and all you could do was scream as he shot a woman in the back.

She would have dropped to the floor were it not for the two people on either side of her whose arms were linked with hers. They were told to drop her as she cried and writhed. Then Devil went to stand over her, watching her squirm on the ground and bleed, before lifting his gun and shooting her in the head. Everything stopped and grew quiet except for your cries. They echoed off the high walls of the bank, violently reminding everyone there that life came with pain.

Sweat and tears slipped down your face as people were forced to listen to you until you quieted down. The contraction passed and you were slumped against the desk once more.

The devil turned to Clown and motioned toward you. "Go make sure she's alive."

"Okay," he said and walked over to you. He put his gun on his back and crouched beside you, using the sleeve of his shirt to wipe the sweat from your forehead. "You're, uh, you're getting closer to, um, having the baby, aren't you?"

You nodded, keeping your eyes forward, watching the way Devil made two hostages move the woman's body closer to the door. They were going to use her as a block in front of the door incase S.W.A.T. came running in, which made you sick to your stomach. You'd seen a lot of malicious shit, but that was a new low.

The phone rang, but no one moved to answer it. Then the devil chuckled.

"Get her on her feet," he said, looking over at you and the 'kid.'

Clown puffed up his chest. "She can't possibly-"

Devil got angry. "Don't question me! Just do it!"

Clown looked at you apologetically and put an arm around your back and hoisted you up. You cried out as you felt the baby shift lower. It was hard to walk, awkward really. But he held you up and guided you to the phone as it rang. Just as you reached the desk, it stopped, and you wanted to scream but managed to hold it in. You knew they would call back. They had to.

The clown leant you against the desk and brought its accompanying chair over to you. He helped you sit in it as his buddies scolded him, but he didn't argue back or justify his actions then. Only when you were seated did he turn to them and bark back.

"You're making a pregnant lady do all this shit when she's about to have a goddamn baby! What the hell is wrong with you?" he yelled.

Devil got in his face. "I'm the one calling the shots around here! You do as I say, and if I want that fat bitch to answer the damn phone, she will, or she and that baby won't-"

"Oh, so you're gonna kill a lady and her baby?"

"Wait a minute!" Ghoul interrupted, looking at the devil, "Who died and put you in charge?"

"I've been in charge, numbnuts!"

The argument would have continued on from there, but the phone rang. They all looked at your tired face and waited for you to comply with what Devil wanted. So, you did.

"Hello," you said.

The voice on the other end of the phone made you feel some relief as he said your name. It was Hondo. "Is that you?"

You didn't answer immediately, not wanting to put the robbers on edge or clue them in to anything.

He seemed to understand. "If you are who I think you are, say 'where's the car?' if you're not, say 'please help us.' Okay?"

"Where's the car?" you asked, eyes trained on the robbers. Devil nodded at you, seeming to like that you were apparently smart enough to understand the situation at hand - you got right to the point of things and had been paying attention. Little did he know...

"We're gonna get you out of there, okay? We're working on it," Hondo told you.

"Well work on it faster," you told him, wincing in pain. You held your belly with your free hand. You kept your mouth shut about being in labor, knowing the robbers didn't want that detail known to anyone outside. "They've already killed someone else."

"We know, we saw," he said, letting out a regretful sigh. "But our eyes can only see in through the windows. The camera system is down. How many people are left inside with you?"

You looked around the room, trying to count the number of hostages, but it was harder to concentrate on something like that. "I don't know."

"What did he say?" Devil asked.

"They want to know how many people are alive."

Ghoul huffed. "Why does he want to know?"

"I don't know," you groaned, feeling another contraction rearing its ugly head. You did know, but there was no way you could strategize what the right thing to say to them was at that moment. "They-they probably- ahh!"

Hondo said your name several times, keeping his voice even. "Talk to me, mama. What's going on in there?"

Devil came over and seethed at you, "Tell him to get us what we want or we're gonna kill another person. Then hang up."

You spoke through the pain. "Get them what they want-"

"Are you in labor?" Hondo asked, hearing the strain in your voice.

"Or they're going to kill again," you said. "Please, please hurry."

Ghoul took the phone from your hand shook, slamming it into the holder. He watched you as you grabbed the arms of the chair, digging your nails into the hard wood. You scraped it and he shook his head. "Pregnant people are weird," he mumbled.

He and the devil moved on, talking to each other about what to do next. They began to argue about it but it was short lived as they parted ways. Ghoul slammed his fist on a desk and stomped away to try again at finding a plan-b escape. Devil leaned on a desk out of view of the windows, near you, and waited.

Clown stayed with you and talked you through the contraction. His voice wavered with fear and nervousness, seemingly never been in a situation like this before, as far as pregnancy went at the very least. Once it passed, he wiped your forehead again. "What-what's going to happen if you give birth in here?"

You looked at him, unsure yourself. "Well, there will be a baby in here and we'll both need immediate medical attention. If at that point they know about that, S.W.A.T. might just do anything to get in here."

Now that Hondo knew you were in here, there was more pressure on him to get inside and ensure your safety. You knew he wasn't going to tell Luca that you were one of the hostages because it would cloud his judgement, damned be the third generation S.W.A.T. officer that he was. His girlfriend and unborn child were in the center of danger and he'd do anything to get you out of there.

Clown got you water and helped you drink it as you continued to wallow in pain. As you sat there, you knew the situation was dire. You could see out some of the windows, seeing S.W.A.T. officers gearing up. You knew that sooner or later, they were going to come inside. You also saw an armored car pulling up, but it was a great distance away from the doors.

Ghoul came back, a little bit of a skip in his step. "They got our car! Let's go!"

"Wait!" Devil said, standing from his position and walking up behind the hostages. He took a man from them by putting his arm around his neck and pointing his gun into his side. They slowly made their way to the windows so he could peer out. He seethed. "They're trying to lure us out."

When he got back to the safe zone, the devil scratched his head, clearly deep in thought. He knew they were in deep, and with your timely reminders about the impending birth of your child, their odds of getting out of here was getting slimmer and slimmer.

"Wait for them to call," he said, turning to his friends. "We tell them we're going to take a hostage with us to ensure our escape."

"Dude, they got the fucking car, why do we gotta wait?" Ghoul asked.

"Because as soon as we step anywhere near those windows, they're gonna gun us down," Devil said, shoving him. "This is why I'm in charge, because you don't think!"

"I think better than you!" the ghoul yelled. "It was my idea to come here, remember?"

"And look at where that got us! You could of picked any other bank, but it had to be this big fancy one in the middle of town!"

"The cameras are out! They can't see in here, dimwit!"

You were about to yell at them to shut up when the phone rang. Devil looked at you and nodded. As you picked up the phone, Ghoul tried to continue the argument, but the devil shoved him away and told him to be quiet.

"Hello," you said.

Hondo sighed with relief at hearing your voice. "Say 'what do you want?' if you're okay. Say anything else if not."

"What do you want?" you asked.

"Tell the brothers we have their car ready for them," he said, which peaked your interest. You looked at the robbers in front of you and it clicked. Their arguing and dynamics made sense now.

They were brothers.

"Your car is ready," you told them.

Ghoul leaned against the desk in front of you. "Tell him we want it closer!"

Devil shoved him away again. "And that we're taking a hostage with us, so if they shoot at us, they'll be killing the next innocent person."

You took a deep breath and nodded. "They want the car closer so that they can get in with a hostage."

Hondo grunted. "Of course they'd try that trick. Listen to me, okay, we're not gonna let that happen. But tell them that we have to make room to move the car, so it'll be a minute."

"Okay," you said and sighed, rubbing your belly. You were in the last stretch of contraction. You could just feel it. "They have to make room for the car to get closer, so it'll be a few minutes before you can leave."

Devil didn't say anything, only took the phone from you and hung it up. "Get ready to get out of here, boys. Make the hostages take our bags to the door."

Then he walked away.

Ghoul took control of that mini mission, bossing two of the men in line to move and hustle to get their bags full of money to the door. They dropped them off and promptly got back in line, seeing the robber's finger ever-present on the trigger of his gun.

You were leaning forward on the desk, head laying on your arms as you whined and tried to breath deeply. You tried to hold your legs closed, preventing the progression of labor in anyway you could. You cursed having worn a dress today. You tried to think about anything else but where you where in that moment and what was happening. You tried to put yourself at home, in your baby's nursery that you and Luca had spent the last few weeks putting together and decorating. It helped distract you for a few minutes until more yelling broke the illusion.

Looking up, you saw Devil and Ghoul arguing about which hostage to take with them, which was the stupidest thing you had ever seen. It made you angry as you sat there, in labor, having to listen to this. Devil wanted to take you but Ghoul wanted to take anyone else. You were at your breaking point.

However, Clown snubbed out your lit fuse. He came with more water and helped you sit up so he could bring the cup to your lips. You sipped it, thankful that he was the kindest of the brothers. From what you had observed, he had to be the baby of the three and didn't want to hurt anyone there. He was there to rob a bank, not kill anyone, and each time you were in pain, he came to your side. He took care of you as much as he knew how. Something inside of him was redeemable, you thought so at least.

"They're both idiots," you whispered to him.

He hesitated, then nodded. "Yeah... I can't believe I agreed to do this. I should have never let them talk me into this."

You nodded. "Yeah, that's true."

He leaned against the desk, staying close to you as you both listened to the argument devolve, once more, into who is in charge. It was beginning to sound like they were a broken record, but as they continued the back and forth, you heard how similar their voices were, how similarly they spoke, and you could picture them as brothers more and more. It was in contrast to the 'kid', who seemed a little more mild mannered and quiet. He only spoke against the other two when he was passionate about whatever he was fighting them for, be it the lives of the people there or your wellbeing. It made you wonder how he was a part of this family.

Suddenly, everything came to a head.

"I told you to stop questioning me!" someone yelled, followed by a round of rapid pops from a gun.

You couldn't process anything for a moment, stomach tightening and making double over, leaning onto the desk again. You held your belly, screaming with the other scared people trapped with you. The moment passed quickly, but you couldn't look up.

"Bobby, what did you do?" Clown yelled.

The devil, Bobby, turned and criticized his kid brother. "Shut up! Don't say my name, you idiot!"

"But-"

"I said shut up!" he yelled and pointed the gun at him. "Now stop asking stupid questions or you're next."

You peeked up from your arm, seeing how far Devil had devolved. In the beginning, he was semi-organized (given how shittily the robbery was planned, there was at least some effort on his behalf), but the stress of the situation and his brother's mouth had finally snapped his last nerve.

Clown backed down and slowly sank to the ground beside your chair. Bobby began pacing again.

The phone range and you answered it.

"What's happening in there?" Hondo asked.

You could feel the devil's eyes on you. "You need to hurry."

"What happened?" he said again, fearing the worst.

You let out a breath. "Someone else is dead."

"Tell them we're going as fast as we can," he said.

You looked over at Bobby. "They're going as fast as they can. Please don't shoot anyone else."

"I'll shoot whoever I damn-well please," he said and took the phone from you, putting it to his ear. "You listen here, buddy. You don't tell me what to do, got it? Now, if that car isn't at the front door in five minutes, I'm killing everyone in here."

He slammed the phone into the holder before ripping it off of the desk and throwing it across the room. He stomped off, going back to his look out position from behind the line of people. He watched the doors impatiently, seemingly unbothered by the crying people before him. Their anguish brought him no joy, unlike his now-dead brother, as it was obvious that the people were merely pawns in his game. He didn't care about them whatsoever.

You laid your head down and whispered, "He's gonna kill you."

Clown made a worried noise in the back of his throat. "No-no he won't. He-he's my brother..."

"You blew his cover. Everyone here knows his name and it won't be hard to track down a Bobby in an armored car," you said, pausing to moan and shift your seated position. You couldn't hold your legs together anymore, knowing it was dangerous. It was a feeble attempt anyway. "He's already angry and you're the only one left brave enough to stand up to him."

He whined. "I-I'm really not."

"Yeah, you are," you told him, hoping to break through to him. "You've protected me from him this whole time. That took a lot of courage, I know it did."

"But... he's my brother... The only family I have left now," he said.

You looked at him, meeting his sad eyes past the mask. "Family wouldn't put you in this position."

He stared into your eyes for a moment, then looked away in contemplation. He didn't say anything for a moment, which felt like an eternity, and then he looked at you again. "What's your name?"

"Why does it matter now?" you asked.

"Because if I'm gonna die, I'd like to know the name of the lady I protected," he said.

You didn't understand what that meant, it could mean many things, and as you felt the pain getting worse, you couldn't think very well anyway. You told him your name between heavy breathes.

He gently wiped your forehead again, talking you through the pain. Then he took off his mask, revealing his face to you, and you were saddened to see how young he was. There was no doubt he was in his early twenties but he still had a baby face and the biggest eyes you'd ever seen a man have, giving him a deer in the headlights look.

"I'm Eric."

Then he stood up and moved away from you, walking over to another desk quietly. He moved out of your sight and you couldn't move much anymore, too tired to do much of anything as it were. Despite the situation, all you wanted to do was get this over with.

Then, there was a loud thud from where Eric had disappeared to.

Bobby turned around and marched over to you. "What the hell are you doing?"

You groaned, looking up at him. "Nothing."

He seethed again, "I've about had enough of you and you're whining."

"I'm about to push a watermelon out of me, what do you want from me?"

"I want you to shut u-" BANG!

He fell to the ground in front of you, his blood splattering on the desk. Looking over, Eric had his gun trained on his brother from behind the desk a few feet away, eerily still, like he was trained for this. It made your heart ache because your stomach was already twisted. What kind of life had this kid had that led him and his brothers to this?

As he walked over to you, he yelled at the other hostages, "Go! Get out of here! Go! Get out!" They listened without hesitance and ran screaming and crying for the door.

He crouched down beside his brother's body and took the gun off of him, sliding it across the floor. He then took his own gun and push it to follow. Then he turned to you, "Are you okay?"

You nodded. "More or less."

Eric couldn't say another word before S.W.A.T. came into the bank with guns at the ready. They aimed at him and he put his arms up, already on his knees. You screamed in pain and he turned to look at you, making Hondo yell at him to stay still, but he didn't seem to hear him. If he did, he didn't listen and reached out to you.

He took your hand and let you squeeze it as the pain made you sob.

You managed to cry out, "He's unarmed!"

The team got closer and saw the truth in your words. They pulled his hand from yours despite your tight grip and handcuffed him, getting him onto his feet. While Chris and Street patted him down, Luca and Hondo came to your side.

"Fucking hell, I could kill this guy for all this," Luca grunted, clearly angry. He took your hand into his.

You shook your head. "He's a hero, believe me."

"How is he-?" Hondo asked, but was cut off by your guttural scream.

Deacon shook his head as he watched. "We need to get her out of here. Now."

The paramedics came in with their gurneys and attended to the bodies on the floor, but by the time it was decerned that they were beyond saving, everyone was busy and there was no room for you anywhere. Luca picked you up and carried you outside in hopes of finding an ambulance to take you to the nearest hospital, but they were all tending to the injured who had run outside earlier.

Tan opened up the back doors of Black Betty and called out to Luca, ushering the team over. Street helped get you inside while Tan and Chris ran to the side doors to get in. Once you were laying on the floor, Luca behind you and holding you close, everyone else piled in and closed everything up, turning on the lights and sirens.

You were screaming the whole time, crying as it became too much. Your body was telling you to push and that was all you could think about doing. Luca was trying to soothe you, telling you that you would be at the hospital soon and that it would be okay. But your baby had other ideas, they had waited long enough.

"The baby's coming!" you cried out.

"We know, we're gonna-"

"No! Now! The baby's coming right now!"

You let out another scream as you pushed. Deacon slide onto the floor and pulled your legs up onto the seats on either side of you, pushing your dress away. He ripped your underwear to get a look at how things were progressing and then looked up at Luca, Street, and Hondo, "She's right. She's crowning."

Hondo called out to the front, "Tan, pull over!"

Luca held your hands as you rested you head back against his abdomen, crying as your body guided you. Everything you'd read and come to understand was nothing compared to the way your body told you what to do.

Black Betty came to a stop on the side of the road, but it only took three more powerful pushes that the ended the pressure. You ached, but the pain was lessened dramatically. You opened your eyes to see Deacon picking up your baby, who was a little chubby for a newborn and rather long, aka big like their daddy.

Deacon gently held them and patted their back, getting them to cry and clear their airways. He smiled at them and happily said, "Welcome to the world, Baby Luca."

Street rummaged around for anything to wrap the baby in, only for Chris to pass a fresh shirt to him from the front. He thanked her and helped Deacon wrap your little angel up to keep warm before they were laid on your chest. You took her, Luca's arm coming under yours to support you both.

"It's a girl," Deacon told you and you smiled. He smiled too, knowing that joy and pride well. "Congratulations."

Tan put Black Betty in gear and let everyone know he was going to start driving again, as you and your daughter needed to be taken to the hospital. After that, no one said anything. They just let you and Luca have your moment with your daughter.

Luca couldn't even speak. He had spent the day tirelessly trying to save hostages from a bad situation that only got worse as the minutes passed by, only to learn from Hondo that you were one of them minutes before they stormed in there. He ran to you as soon as he could and wanted to burn the robbers to the ground with how angry he was because you were caught in the middle of their idiocy. Then, as soon as he saw you were in labor, he was scared, too. However, now, all that stress and anger and fear was erased. You were safe in his arms with your daughter. He had a daughter! He was nothing my happy.

Street inevitably ruined the precious moment, but lightened it at the same time as he broke the silence. "I can't believe you gave birth in Black Betty."

The team didn't react until you laughed, which let them know they could laugh too.

"I'm just glad it wasn't in the bank," you said, the ache still in your heart for the people who were lost and the kid brother who had saved you. You looked at Hondo as you remembered him. "I wanna be there for Eric. He really did save those of us that he could."

Hondo didn't question you, because you were tired and hormonal and he knew you knew what you were talking about. He just nodded and said, "I'll talk to the DA, but for now, you just worry about that cutiepie you got, okay?"

"Okay," you said.

When you got to the hospital, you were taken to a room immediately. Not only because you were wheeled in with a baby in your arms, but because you had a team of S.W.A.T. officers escorting you. Luca went back with you and ensured you and your baby daughter were okay.

Despite being three and a half weeks early, she was healthy. She would need to stay a few extra days for observation, but that was okay with you. Both you and Luca wanted the best for her, so you knew she might need a little extra watching over because of her early arrival and the stress you were under, and you needed to recover as well. It would work out, you were sure.

Once that was cleared up, Luca sat beside you with your daughter asleep in her basinet at your bedside. He watched her with nothing but love in his eyes. He'd only been talking about how excited he was for her to 'hurry up and get here' in the months leading up to this moment. He hadn't cared if she were a boy or a girl, as you'd left finding out to be a surprise at the birth, because he was going to love his kid no matter what. You knew he was going to be an amazing father.

You watched him, tired as all hell, but couldn't fall asleep. Even after the day you'd had, you laid awake on some pain killers with a soft smile on your lips. "I love you."

Luca turned to you and chuckled. "I love you, too." He reached out for your hand and squeezed it gently. "You are the most amazing woman I've ever met, you know that?"

"You only tell me that at least once a day," you laughed softly, careful not to wake your sleeping angel.

"Well, I mean it so much this time," he told you, bringing your hand up to kiss your knuckles. "You're so strong and smart and brave. What you went through today was a lot and you powered through it like a champ. And you see the good in people even in situations when it's hard to see anything but bad."

"What can I say?" you asked, not really sure what there was to say. You just read the situation like it was. And it helped you and several other people get through it. "I'm just a woman."

"Nah, you're more than that," he said and leaned in closer, kissing your head. Your eyes closed and this time they were too heavy to lift back open. "You're Superwoman."

"If you say so," you mumbled. You then fell into a dreamless sleep, getting the much needed rest your deserved.

Lowkey, I'm now attached to the backstory I accidentally gave Bobby, Ghoul, and Eric, so here it is if anyone cares. Bobby, Ghoul - who's real name is Terry, and Eric were born in a less than ideal home. Raised by a worked to the bone mother and a father who had lengthy arrest record, they were doomed from the start. Bobby and Terry were closer in age to each other than either of them were to Eric, often getting into trouble and leaving him out. When they weren't getting suspended from school, they were pushing Eric around metaphorically and literally. They would often use Eric as a punching bag when they weren't getting into fights with each other. They mother wasn't around a lot as she worked multiple jobs to keep a roof over their heads. When she was around, she was frustrated and tired, often getting angry at them for little problems like leaving their shoes out for her to trip over and bigger issues like getting kicked out of school. Their father was in and out of jail for most of their lives, but when he was around, he taught them how to shoot, steal, and hot wire cars. Averse to these activities, Eric was once again the odd one out and often the target of his brothers' criticism. Their father often got drunk and ranted to his sons about his drawbacks in life, often blaming others. Due to this unstable environment, it was no wonder the brothers turned out the way they did. Bobby followed in their father's footsteps, often helping their old man with his criminal endeavors when he could. After their father's untimely death at the hands of a homeowner protecting himself after he broke into the house, Bobby was angry. He went on a bend of drinking and crime, ending him up in jail where he made friends. Once he was out, he started robbing houses and small business. Terry at least finished high school and got a job as a mechanic, which was stable enough for a while. He started to doing shotty work for cheap and got fired once his boss found out. He did a number of odd jobs after that. Eric was on the right track but couldn't catch a break. With a grant, he was able to start college but had to leave after his mother became ill. He was almost done with college when he dropped out to take care of her, but it was fruitless. He didn't blame his mom but rather the bad hand life had dealt him, but didn't grow very bitter. He got a shitty job and went about his life. However, their mother's death is what brought the brothers back together. It was several months after the funeral that Bobby came around with the idea to rob a bank. Terry was crashing on Eric's couch at the time and liked the idea, immediately liking the idea of free money and getting to go anywhere they wanted. The two oldest brothers talked Eric into it, telling him they could go live their dream lives and get out of the shambles they called a life. Plus, they were brothers, the only family he had left, was he really gonna left them do it alone?

And yeah, that's what I got for the bank robbing brothers. If it doesn't make any sense, I came up with all of this over the span of 8 hours and little to no sleep.

[catsushinyakajima]

KLANCE FIC RECS FOR THE NEW YEARS RECAP PART ONE

2024 has come to an end! Here are all of my fav fav Voltron fics and authors that I've interacted with throughout the year. I'm trying to make this list as diverse as possible so everyone can find some tropes they like but I PROMISE all these fics are worth a read. Listed in no particular order, we have:

fear no more the heat o' the sun by taromi | 28k | Canon-Divergent

This fic is an ASTOUNDING depiction of Keith's perspective on life and how Lance changes things up. Every scene between them added not only to their dynamic, but also to our vision of Keith. We see how he is and how things unfold so beautifully. The prose is beautiful and the scenes carry both fluff/emotion so well.

Silver Bells by heavily_caffeinated/@heavilycaffeinatedsblog | 86.3k | Christmas AU

I'm not one for much holiday cheer/hallmark-esque tropes, but caf's writing still managed to draw me in so much. I applaud Caf sincerely for their incredible diligence to upload a chapter everyday (totaling to 86k words in 25 days!!), and their enthusiasm to include everyone in it's creation. This fic is a pure show of passion, in both it's story and the creation of the story. I encourage you all to check out their other fics too.

late night talking (can’t get you off my mind) by ShatterinSeconds/@shatterinseconds | 5.8k | Werewolf!Keith

This fic is SO GOOD for touch starved Keith. It's short and sweet and you get both perspectives of their pining and feelings together. It's a really cute one shot, and I had trouble picking between this fic and other fics by the author so check those out too! Also @shatterinseconds is the goat for not only commenting on all my fics, but somehow always being in the comment section of every fic I read.

Hearts Don'/t Break Around Here by klancekorner | 135.5k | Roommates/Childhood Best Friends

This fic is a classic in the KL fandom but I still don't hear it talked about enough!! I don't usually like childhood best friends trope that much but this fic made me LOVE it!!! It also portrays Lance's anxiety and Keith's avoidance so so well and shows them growing up beautifully.

Cores of Diamond by speaks/@speakswords | 25.6k | Friends with Benefits

One time I lost this fic in my bookmarks and spent a whole day trying to find it. It's such a good depiction of the way KL don't always see eye to eye due to a lack of proper communication and bridging that gap between them. Has NSFW scenes!

Where the water meets the sky by speaks/@speakswords | 106.3k | Mer!Keith

I NEEDED to rec another speaks fic, this one is unfinished but it ends on a conclusive note. There's themes of growing up, living with changes, reunions, and also lots and lots of feelings.

got got got it bad by kairiolette | 10.3k | Post-War | Pining Keith

This one is also pretty popular. It's so so funny. And so real. Keith goes through the five stages of grief as he realizes he loves Lance and like. Of course he would do that. Really sweet.

so kiss me (kiss me kiss me kiss me) and tuesday's sweetheart (sunday's lover) by hearttpoem | 10k | roommates AU | getting together

This author writes the BEST modern/roommates AU. I love the way KL lives together in their fics and I love the way you can see different love languages in the fics. I was going back and forth between which fic to rec and I chose both these fics cuz I read them all the time!!

Where the apple falls by europa_report/@jupiters-junipers | 130k+ | post-war | comatose

No fic rec list is complete without this fic. This fic is genuinely one of my favorite KL fics, its not finished but I believe the author will finish it. The prose is beautiful and it is an entire emotional rollercoaster. You guys should definitely check this fic out

I've Said Too Much (You Promise I Can't Ever Say Enough) by negativefouriq | 1.8k | Autistic!Lance | Est Relationship

This fic is short, sweet, and such a good depiction of having so many thoughts and wanting to share them all and the anxieties of it. Keith's perspective and his reactions to Lance are very healing to read.

baby, i'll rock your world by AsterikaMay/ @catsushinyakajima | 9.5k | Christmas AU | Gift giving

I am putting one of my fics here lol because I did enjoy writing this one a lot! I keep writing fics about gift giving and pining...this must say something about me ahahah

Part two here

[revolutionsingingintherainnn]

Can I get 34 from the prompt list with Max Verstappen?

Burn It All Down ₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ.

Prompt: 34. “You could put a knife to my throat and I wouldn’t flinch.”

₊ ⊹ mv x reader ★

₊ ⊹ fluff + angst + mafia au ★

masterlist ☾☼

There is the city outside, beyond that high-rise apartment window full of bright lights against the dim darkness that spreads out like living darkness across the room. This air was thick with tension only found in the underworld of crime and clung to your sweaty body as you sat along the edge of the worn, leather couch. The collapse of your father's empire was suffocating to him.

You had always played the part of the dutiful daughter, watching from the shadows as men like Max Verstappen rose to power within your father's rival mafia family. But tonight, everything had changed. Max wasn't just a soldier anymore. He was a betrayal.

You didn't know when it was exactly—that point at which the lines blurred between enemies and something else—you just knew you couldn't deny it anymore. Max was no longer a thorn in your side; he had morphed into a problem.

Now, standing before you, clad in his black leather jacket, looking more ominous than ever, he had become the problem you no longer had the luxury to ignore.

Max entered, his eyes piercing into yours and cold, yet intense, but at the same time, was a flicker of another emotion. Was it maybe regret? Or something deeper still? You didn't know. But one thing did you know for sure- you knew Max Verstappen was there not as a foe, but as the man who made a decision.

"You shouldn't be here," you said, your voice steady, despite the rush of emotions threatening to overwhelm you.

Max didn't flinch at your words. He only took a step closer, his presence suffocating. "I came to see you. To tell you the truth."

The words felt like a punch to the chest. He was here to betray his family. To betray everything he had fought for all these years.

"You think I'll believe you?" you said, your hand curling into a fist by your side. "You were never supposed to be my enemy, Max. I never wanted this."

Max’s jaw tightened, his lips pressed into a hard line. “I didn’t either. But I’ve spent my entire life being trained to be this monster, to be a weapon for my family. And for what? To destroy yours? To keep killing without ever stopping to think about why?"

He was angry now, his voice low and rough. "I'm done with this life. I'm done being the monster. I'm done being a pawn in a game that will never end."

Your heart raced as he closed the distance between you, and suddenly, he was right there, standing too close, his presence overwhelming. You could feel the heat from his body, the rawness in his words.

"Then why now?" You couldn't help but ask, his decision settling in like lead. "Why come to me now, Max? Do you think I can just forget everything?"

Too much had happened. He had killed too many of your people for you to just forgive him. He hadn't known, but that didn't change the outcome.

He shook his head slowly, eyes softening for the briefest moment. "No. But I cannot keep living this lie. I'm not going to be the one who keeps killing for the sake of power anymore. I'm finished."

You met his eyes, the battle warring inside you. A part of you wanted to believe him. A part of you wanted to trust him, wanted to toss aside the years of hatred, of bloodshed. But the other part of you—the daughter of a mafia boss, trained from birth to distrust men like him—couldn't.

"Max, you think you can just leave them all behind? You think you can walk away without consequences?" Your voice was shaking now, barely contained. "Do you really think you can just walk away from your family?"

Max's face hardened, the pain in his eyes a reflection of the decision he had already made. "I don't care anymore. I would burn it all to the ground for you."

Your breath caught in your throat as his words landed like a strike to the heart.

Max stepped closer, but before you could process it, the door slammed open, and three figures appeared in the doorway. Daniel, Lando, and Charles— Max's mafia brothers, who had somehow followed him to her house, to her room.

Daniel, always the level-headed one, was the first to speak, his voice stern. "Max, what the hell are you doing? You can't just walk away. You can't—"

"Shut up, Daniel," Max interrupted, his voice filled with fury. "You don't understand."

Lando crossed his arms, his expression part incredulity, part anger. "You're really throwing everything away for her? For her?" he spat, nodding toward you. "You're making a huge mistake, Max. You can't just betray the family like this."

Charles, normally calm, looked between you and Max, his eyes narrowed. "This isn't just about her, Max. This is about everything we've worked for. You know what they'll do to you if you walk away. You're putting us all in danger."

Max didn't flinch. He didn't back down. His gaze was unyielding as he turned to face them, his voice steely. "I've already made my decision.". I don't care if they come after me. I don't care if they kill me. I'm doing this for her." He pointed to you, his finger trembling slightly. "I'm doing this because I can't live in this bloodbath anymore. And if I have to choose between them and her, I choose her."

The room fell silent.

You could feel the weight of Max's words—words that could tear apart everything he had worked for, everything he had fought to protect. Your heart ached for him. And yet, despite the betrayal, you felt something else—something far deeper. Hope.

"Max, you can't be serious," you whispered, voice breaking. "You know what will happen if you do this. I know what'll happen. My family could kill you. Your own family would kill you. Hell, for all you know, I'm a ploy and I'm going to kill you at your most vulnerable state!"

A subtle softening crept up Max's features as the words fell, his tone one of sincerity, "You could put a knife to my throat, and I wouldn't flinch," Those last words slammed home, washing into you like a tsunami wave. You think you saw, suddenly in his eyes, a better reason than just love-for it was also freedom-to be able to give and take from one another end.

"You really would? You really would leave everything that you've been trained for, that you've worked for, that you've been loyal to, for me?" you asked, your voice breaking and trembling as you took a step closer to him.

Max's jaw softened, a little something in his gaze. "I already did."

For a long moment, the world outside seemed to fade, and the only thing in your existence was the both of you within that room. Your enemies were still there, in the doorway, but Max was resolute about what he was saying, his decision solid and concrete: he had already chosen.

And so had you.

"I can't promise you an easy life, Max," you said softly. "But if you're really willing to risk it all for me… then I'll fight for you."

Max stepped closer, his hand reaching for yours. "Then let's burn it all down together."

The room was silent and, for the first time in what felt like forever, you realized that no matter how hard the world fought against you, nothing could break the two of you apart.

The days that followed were chaos. Max's betrayal was not left unexposed, and the repercussions were brutal. But with you by his side, the two of you fought back against the storm, tearing down the remnants of both mafia families. It wasn't easy. There were losses, close calls, and moments where it felt like the world was trying to pull you both apart.

But you stayed. Together.

Max Verstappen had burned his past to the ground, but in doing so, he had built something new. With you. And in the end, it was that bond—the one forged in blood and fire—that kept you both unbreakable.

✧˚ ʚɞ˚ ༘✿ ♡ ⋆｡˚

i tried something different this time! let me know if y'all like it! this is my prompt list, so y'all can select a number, give me a driver and i will write it as soon as possible! i also have a google form for a taglist if anyone's interested! you can sent in your requests here :)

taglist: @imlonelydontsendhelp ; @greantii ; @anamiad00msday ; @maketheshadowsfearyou ; @nocturnalherb16 ; @justaf1girl ; @peterholland04

[kaiserin-erzsebet]

So, here are my long thoughts on The Last Voyage of the Demeter because I'm jetlagged and trying to keep myself awake.

I'm going to organize it from my biggest issues to my smallest nitpicks. Because I am aware that some of the things that bother me are nitpicks. Also this movie is old enough that I don't think spoilers are out of line.

Anyway, here are my thoughts:

I don't think I can fairly judge the movie as an adaptation of Dracula. This would be a short review if that was my standard, because it is a bad adaptation. There's a laundry list of reasons why, and I'll get back to one of them because I think it is indicative of how this movie fumbled the story. It takes a very loose approach to the book, and that wouldn't be entirely fair to fixate on. But I will point out where I think the book executed a theme or tone element more effectively.

I fully went into the movie ready to judge it on its own merits as a self-contained horror story. That's why I was surprised that I disliked it so much, because it doesn't hold up as a piece of horror media. I think the core issue is that the screenplay fundamentally was thinking of itself as a movie about people fighting a monster.

In that respect, it does away with something that makes the Captain's log such an effective part of the original book: The mystery.

The original section is an exercise in dramatic irony. You, as the reader, have already seen the thing making the crew vanish, because you read Jonathan's diary and know what is in the boxes (even if you were reading it for the first time and didn't have the cultural osmosis of knowing who Dracula). You know why they are in danger. The captain doesn't. He spends most of the log trying to figure out what is going on and if it is misfortune or something really on board with them. He only sees Dracula at the very end of the log, when there is little he can do except tie himself to the wheel.

The book answers the question of "why don't they make port or throw the boxes overboard?" with saying that the captain doesn't know for sure if it is actually something malicious related to the cargo. The Romanian first mate has to slowly come to the realization that he does know, because he's resisting believing in superstition. Only when the knife passes through Dracula without harming him does he panic because it's undeniable that he's facing a folklore monster.

That build up is entirely absent from The Last Voyage of the Demeter. Anna just tells them within the first half hour of the movie (she's also a very inconsistent character, but I'll get back to that), and within days the crew has literally seen Dracula multiple times. People aren't mysteriously vanishing; they've been killed pretty clearly and there are survivors with bite marks. The deck is littered with body parts at points. It makes the voiceovers about "some doom" being on the ship seem comical, because the captain has seen with his own eyes what is going on.

The only reason given for why they can't make port to deal with the issue is that they're too far away, I guess? Which is also not the case for a ship sailing that route. This isn't an open sea voyage.

While the pacing of a movie and the pacing of a show are different, The Terror did this so much better. You don't get to see the Tuunbaq clearly until quite late in the series. People just vanish or get mauled by...something. That sense of mystery is just gone in The Last Voyage. And it is disappointing because that was a huge opportunity to nail the tone.

If I had to come up with the key elements of what the Demeter section is, it would be: A Horror Story about a ship with a tragic ending.

They didn't nail the horror, but what about the other two?

There's also a puzzling lack of understanding of the dynamics on a ship throughout the movie. One glaring example is that the First Mate and Clemens make the decision to sink the ship without even asking the captain first. I know this is the merchant navy and not the navy, but that is still a galling lack of discipline. The captain is in charge and his duty is to the whole ship and the crew.

The original captain's log makes use of this. Dracula more or less kills his way up the chain of command because he's a sadist. He's forcing the commanding officers to feel more desperation as they fail in their duty to protect their crew.

The Last Voyage makes the captain a very minor character, which at least to me reveals a misunderstanding of how hierarchy works in a ship. While I don't think including new characters is necessarily bad, Clemens and Anna make most of the important decisions, and neither of them particularly have standing with the crew. It undercuts the idea of responsibility and letting people come to harm under your care (which carries through later to Lucy and Mina).

I'll return to other ways the ship setting feels incorrect later, because those are closer to nitpicks.

So, third element: is it a tragedy? Does everyone on board die by the end?

The opening scene may make you think so. But no, actually they don't. Clemens escapes and ends the movie vowing to hunt down Dracula. For one, this is where it is a bad Dracula adaptation because that simply cannot happen and maintain the plot of Dracula. Unless he was rather dense when he read about the Bloofer Lady in the paper and decided that wasn't related. But additionally, the tone of the ending radically changes. It isn't a tragedy where the last act of a brave man is to stay at the wheel, because he isn't the lone survivor left to be battered to death by either the storm or Dracula anymore. In fact most of the crew is still there for the multiple people vs Dracula fight.

This is where the tone really failed for me: the story has a winner, a hero, someone who can make it out alive. And it's the new character. That just did not sit well with me when the original is such a poignant tragedy.

The First Mate, who is the character most primed to come to a realization, hardly has an arc in The Last Voyage.

The insistence that they can fight and maybe even win also makes both Clemens and Anna incredibly inconsistent characters. She especially suffers from this, because she should in theory have the knowledge of how to repel a vampire (the villagers certainly have some idea in the book), but then she says things like "do you think I have the faintest idea how to kill him?" and in the next breath is urging the crew to kill him before he reaches London. She also says Dracula is going to London because "there is no one left in my home country to feed on" but her backstory is that she's on the ship as a deal so Drac can have a snack. So, clearly, he can get people to feed on if he wants.

Clemens is the "too smart and rational" character. But he also never thinks maybe they should expose the boxes to sunlight even after seeing people combust in sunlight after turning. It's all terribly inconsistent.

The decision to not write the story as a tragedy ends up cascading, and that's the root of the issue. They can't win and kill the monster without completely changing the story of the novel, so they are only competent to a point. It makes it a worse horror movie, even disregarding it as an adaptation.

Now for the nitpicks, including quite a few about boats that probably only I noticed:

The aesthetics are all over the place in terms of period. Clemens spends a large part of the movie (which is set in the 1890s) running around in a lace up pirate shirt. No one on this ship owns a period appropriate boat cloak. None of their shirts have remotely the right collars, giving the sense that nautical fashion was sort of vaguely consulted over the long 18th to 19th century-ish.

Please look at this and tell me that it is even remotely late 19th century:

Here's Olek from 1899 for comparison (note the correct high collar and undershirt):

The dialogue suffers from this too. More than one person uses the word "heathen" which just feels wildly out of place in something that is supposed to have rationality and superstition as the key touchpoints (at least if it wants to be like Dracula). It sounds weird coming from a time period 20 years before World War 1. Sailors especially were more likely to be vaguely Christian but mostly superstitious, not zealots using terms like "heathen."

Additional aesthetic nitpick: The ship looks way too old for the period. That is an early to mid 19th century ship sailing in the 1890s without any retrofitting. There's a throwaway line about the captain not wanting a fancy new steamship, but that doesn't account for how antique the captain's quarters are or the lack of metal on the hull. Again, the nautical aesthetics are all skewing too early. If this ship was still a Russian ship like the original, an older sailing vessel might have said something about the lag in Russian shipbuilding, it works less with an English merchant ship.

There's some functional issues about understanding sailing: The ship is way too spacious inside. Really tall men are standing up straight and walking around the hold with no trouble. That may seem like a small point, but imagine what actually exploiting the claustrophobic feeling below decks could have done for the ambiance.

The ship is definitely undercrewed given the number of masts they are showing. That many men would really struggle to reef all of the sails in a timely manner (which would matter in a storm). The writers put a crew of a small fishing vessel on a ship that is much larger and requires more hands. And it is puzzling because more people would mean: more kills and disappearances as well as giving a progression of being unable to raise and lower the sails and also keep someone at the wheel. Which, I will note, the original log does.

My first red flag about this movie was having seemingly no Slavic characters on a ship that was Russian in the original. But now that I've seen it, I'm even more annoyed that the one Russian character exists to: call a woman a slur, call a black man a slur (a rather British one imo), and then immediately be murdered on screen. Can't have nuance in how we portray Slavic people in Western media, huh?

I also get the sense that the screenwriter didn't know the difference between Romanian and Romani, because the first mate is vaguely hinted to be Romani (the kid mentions "Wojchek taught me some words in Romani") and has a Western Slavic first name, not a Romanian one. When in the book he is explicitly Romanian.

Rapid fire ways the movie gets the book wrong on a nitpicky level: Dracula doesn't get more human looking as he nears London, a vampire who prides himself on being aristocratic isn't going to drink from pigs or rats, the vampires in the book can go in sunlight but are weaker, religious artifacts are way more powerful deterrents in the book, and Clemens is way too casual about transfusions. It makes Van Helsing doing it seem less like an act of desperation. Anna gets Mina's ability to sense Dracula without putting in the effort to reverse engineer the connection.

Someone please tell me that Nosferatu is better. This was honestly very frustrating.

[thebiggerbear]

FANFICTION FRIDAYS

This week I moved the # from 56 to 16.

Here are my picks for Jan 3rd 2025, please go give them a read:

Unspoken Words by @winchesterwild78 & @cheekygirl2309 (Jensen Ackles x Reader, RPF)

More Than You Could Ever Know by @godmadeaterribleerror - A No Love Lost Christmas Special! Takes place about five months after the end of No Love Lost, sort of an epilogue to the main story. (Soldier Boy x Supe Female!Reader, The Boys)

When What We Had Was Everything by @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior - When Y/N really needs him, Jensen steps up, leaving all their past in the past. Can Y/N possibly do the same? (Jensen Ackles x Reader, RPF)

Come Find Me by @lightdancingwords - You are a new arrival to Big Sky, Montana, and found gainful employment with the local insurance department next door to the sheriff’s department. A whole new life with your past haunting you, while Beau is still dealing with the entanglements with his ex-wife. Can either of you succeed in overcoming your ghosts? (Beau Arlen x Female!Reader, Big Sky)

Forever After All by @jobean12-blog - You and Javi have been working together for a few months and you can't deny that you like him...everything about him. And you know you're not imagining the subtle flirting and lingering glances but when you have an assignment that puts you two closer than you 've ever been you find out what it all really means. (Javier Pena x Female!Reader, Narcos)

Family by @lila-lou - This Christmas is your first with Emily, Beau’s teenage daughter. Between her shy smiles and sharp wit, she’s learning to trust you, and you’re creating a home together. (Beau Arlen x Reader, Big Sky)

New Year’s Bingo Card 2024: Bang by @bullet-prooflove (Eddie Diaz x Reader, 911)

Desire, I'm Hungry by @yourfavoritewitchbitch - You and Steve happen upon a strange flower and suddenly find yourselves separated from your friends in the Upside Down. An unrelenting desire overtakes the both of you, taking your friendship past the point of no return. (Steve Harrington x Reader, Stranger Things)

Bruised Fruit by @lostloveletters - Gloria falls like overripe fruit from a wilting tree branch, and Michael Corleone intends to devour her amidst the rot and decay that's long since taken root in his family, intent on dooming her with him for a chance at another heir. (Michael Corleone x OFC, The Godfather Series)

Are You Humming Radio Company? by @justwhisperingfantasies (Jensen Ackles x Reader, RPF)

Your Fault by @lamentationsofalonelypotato - Reader is pregnant and suffering from morning sickness, only to be comforted by Daryl. (Daryl Dixon x Female!Reader, The Walking Dead)

All I Want by @katehuntington - Sam and Dean come across an object that could be the solution to Michael. The Pearl of Baozhu grants the beholder’s deepest desire. Once Dean focuses on his wish, the archangel remains caged in his mind however. Instead his former girlfriend Y/N shows up, who was killed in 2010 in Detroit, by no other than the Devil himself. (Dean Winchester x Reader, Supernatural)

Power In the Blood by @venus-haze - There’s power in the blood. Father Paul knows this. Soon, you will, too. (Father Paul Hill x Nun!Reader, Midnight Mass)

Change of Plans by @impala-dreamer - Sometimes, you gotta blow off your plans and blow your husband instead… (Jeffrey Dean Morgan x Reader, RPF)

The Broken Circle by @jollyhunter - “Winchester” - That’s the name you applied with at the police department, when you started a new life in Big Sky, Montana, 4 years ago. It’s your deceased husband’s name. Or rather, meant-to-be husband, since Dean died 2 weeks before he got to propose to you. Today you return from your one month time-out. But a lot has changed since you went to visit Sam; You’ve got a new sheriff. And he’s the same man you thought you’d never see again. (Beau!Dean x Hunter!Reader, Big Sky/Supernatural)

Good Girl by @storiesofsvu (Grace Muncy x Reader, Law & Order: SVU)

Looking for more? Please check out my fic rec lists and writers rec lists (1, 2, 3). I do have some things to update like the Beau stories list, Alec, Russell, Jensen, Soldier Boy, Dean, etc (and I promise I will when I hopefully get more time this month) and I do have some more coming out, like for Law & Order: SVU, LOTR, etc.

In the meantime, if you’d like to peruse even more stories that are on my reading lists, please check out @biggerbearsreads and @tbbrebloglibrary (which will eventually take place of the 1st - tbbrl will be more organized by tags, etc) or you can check out @biggerbearficrecs.

And please don’t forget when you come across any and all creative content on here to reblog:

dividers by @saradika-graphics

[cognitiveoverload]

Nobody got you the way I do (Aaron Hotchner x reader)

summary: One of your employees turns out to be a serial killer, and the BAU suspects that he might want to hurt you too, so they want to make sure you're safe. Hotch takes it a little too seriously, and there's a reason for that.

note: I'm not so sure about this one, I don't know why. But this is the robotics expert!CEO!reader story I mentioned in the poll.

tags: afab!reader, overprotective!Hotch, brat tamer!Hotch?

wc: 5.4k

“I told you not to bother me today.”

Your assistant, Lizzie, is the only one at this company who spends the entire day in high heels, which is why the familiar clicking sound lets you know it’s her who entered your private lab. Since you know who it is, you don’t even look up from the prosthetic arm you have lying on the table in front of you, connected to your laptop to spend the day fixing the damn thing. A deadline is coming up, and you took charge of this pet project of yours, this is why you are dead serious when you ask your employees to respect your request to leave you alone for now. 

She lets out a hesitant hum as she steps closer to you, leaning down so you can hear her clearly even when she speaks quietly. “Two FBI agents are here to see you. They said it was important,” she tells you. 

Letting out an annoyed sigh, you look up to find two men standing there in the room. One of them is young, maybe a few years younger than you, and his eyes are focused on the prototype you’re working on. The other? Now, that’s an interesting situation. The other agent in question is someone you have met before, at a party over half a year ago, when he helped you talk to a suicidal acquaintance who decided to pick that night to jump off the roof of the building. Unlike his colleague’s, his eyes are fixed on you, making you feel like you’re currently being studied under a microscope. 

“Gentlemen, what can I do for you?” you ask casually, folding your hands on the table. 

“I’m Supervisory Special Agent Hotchner, this is Dr. Reid,” the older man begins, pretending not to know you. Well, if that’s how he wants to play, you’re happy to join the game. “Your company showed up as a link between the victims in a series of murders.” He puts a folder in front of you, waiting until you open it to take a look at the paper inside. “Is there anything they have in common besides being your ex-employees?”

You go through the list of names, and it’s instantly obvious what that thing is. “They were all fired,” you reply as you close the folder and push it back towards them.

Sadly, Hotch knows there’s more to the story, and he’s not afraid to pry for more information. “And? I know there’s something you’re not telling us. Why were they fired?”

“Corporate espionage.” While you don’t want to go into the details and think about these cases again, they both seem interested in hearing what it’s all about, so you let out a sigh and continue. “They were all caught selling confidential information to our competitors or anyone who was willing to pay enough. Classic case, nothing unusual.”

Reid bites his lips as he quickly thinks about something. “What’s the process if you have a case like this? What do you do?” he wonders.

“I usually let my Chief Security Officer take care of it. His name is Jonathan Hayes, he’s been with us since the beginning, so he knows everything about the company. He sits down with the employee in question with HR present, hands over the paperwork, and beside that, he consults the legal department to take care of the rest,” you explain.

“We didn’t find court documents,” Hotch points out. 

With a small smirk, you shrug. “I don’t need scandals. We keep things quiet.” 

The two men look at each other, then, as if there was a silent agreement between them, they excuse themselves and ask for a moment while they discuss something outside. With a shrug, you roll the swivel chair to the side to check something on the laptop, but moments after you begin to tweak the set of codes on the screen, your fingers freeze above the keyboard and your gaze shifts to the glass wall to take a look at them. Whatever they’re talking about, it surely involves you, because every now and then they turn your way. Perfect. They hopefully don’t think you used Hayes as your personal assassin or something.

A few minutes later they finally return, and it’s Reid who speaks up. “Can we talk to Hayes? We have some questions, hopefully he can help us out.”

“He’s on unpaid leave due to some family issue,” you tell them. 

“Since when?” he asks with a frown.

You blow out the air you didn’t even notice you’ve been holding, and lean back in your chair as you think. “He left about a month ago. Why?”

Before Reid can speak up, Hotch takes a deep breath and steps closer to the desk. “Has he tried to contact you since then?” he asks, his voice laced with worry that you’re not sure his colleague can detect. But you notice, you’re painfully aware of it.

“He called a few times, but usually when I was busy doing something else.”

“So you didn’t talk to him?”

“Not really.”

“When was the last time he called you?” 

That one you don’t have to think about. “Three days ago. He called me more and more frequently in the week before that, and since he didn’t stop even after I sent him a text to find my assistant, I decided to block his number until he returns,” you explain. 

Reid turns to his boss when he hears this. “The timeline checks out, and his number being blocked might be what triggered the changes in his method and the messages,” he says quickly. 

There’s a nod of agreement before Hotch turns back to you. “You need to come with us now.” 

“What did I do?”

“Nothing wrong, don’t worry. But Hayes will soon be looking for you, and we’d rather have you somewhere safe until we find him,” he tells you, earning a doubtful look from you. 

Because you have a feeling Hayes stepped up to be their prime suspect, although it simply doesn’t make sense to you. If you don’t count this little phone call issue, your relationship is quite good, and he’s always so nice, so friendly. “He would never hurt anyone,” you tell them, deciding that ignoring them might be the best approach. “If there’s nothing else, I’d like to ask you to leave now. I have a lot to do.”

“Listen to me,” you hear Hotch’s hushed voice once he leans over the table, “you’re not safe until we catch him, so put the attitude aside and come with us.”

With a huff, you look back at the screen and begin to type like they weren’t even there. But despite your best effort, his brown eyes are burning a hole into your skull, and you can feel the annoyance that fills him. “I’m not going anywhere,” you say without looking at him.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “Stop being a brat,” he tells you angrily. 

“Did you just call me a brat?”

“Hotch?” Reid asks in the background, but he raises a hand to stop him. That doesn’t work, though, because the younger agent realized that he needs to intervene before things get out of hand. “We found messages at the crime scenes, and now that we know the real reason why those employees had been let go, it’s clear Hayes did this to protect you,” he explains.

This gets your attention and you finally look up from the screen to meet his eyes. “To protect me? How does killing them protect me?”

“He’s loyal to you, and he would go to great lengths to make sure you and your company are safe. To him, you’re like a family member he needs to protect,” he says.

Gulping, you pinch the bridge of your nose. “But he’s such a normal guy. Tough, sure, but murdering people?” you note with a desperate laugh. It’s insane, why can’t this madness happen to someone else?

“They often seem harmless,” he offers with a sympathetic smile. “Look, we need a list of the employees who were fired for corporate espionage or other major issues Hayes dealt with in the past.”

“Sure, I’ll ask my assistant to send you the list,” you assure them without hesitation.

But Hotch doesn’t seem satisfied with the answer, because he moves around the desk to close your laptop, then helps you up from the chair. “You can make that call from the car. Let’s go,” he says as he lets his hand move to your elbow to lead you toward the door. 

“Wait, I can’t go, I have a deadline, and an interview, and—”

“Now,” he says sternly, leaving no room for an argument. 

For a moment there’s a staring contest between you two, but then out of the corner of your eye you notice Reid’s surprised expression. Maybe this isn’t the time for such an argument, so you put up your hands in defeat. “Okay, okay, just let me get my bag and laptop from my office,” you say as you yank your arm away and take the lead toward the elevator.

On the way out of the building, Reid starts a conversation with you about your work, but it’s hard to focus with Hotch’s hand on the small of your back as he leads you. He doesn’t look at you, and deep down you’re grateful for that. When you get into the car, you sit in the middle of the back seat so it’s easier to keep the chat with the younger agent going, because you’re happy to talk about your little projects with someone who truly appreciates the science behind your innovations. 

He’s intelligent, that one’s clear, and the more you learn about him, the more you feel like in another life you could be friends, and you would probably ask him to work for you too. While the conversation flows freely, you don’t miss the way Hotch looks at you through the rearview mirror every once in a while, so when there’s a little break in the discussion, you take the chance to change the topic a little. 

“Is he always this grumpy?” you ask Reid with a playful smile.

Before he can respond, Hotch rolls his eyes. “I’m not grumpy,” he states. 

“Then serious.”

He exhales slowly, making it clear he has to force himself to stay calm. “I’m chasing serial killers, more people would die if I took my job too lightly,” he explains. 

“So would a smile kill you?” you wonder, deliberately pushing his buttons.

“I think you should—” Reid begins his warning, but the other man is quick to interrupt him.

“No.”

You grab the back of his seat and lean forward to be closer. “Then why don’t you smile?” Hotch groans as he shakes his head, and you take the hint. So, once again, you change the topic as you lean back against the seat. “You know what? I’ll make a few calls and hire a security company to keep an eye on me in my own house, so I don’t need your protection. Also, you said Hayes—if he really is the killer, that is—was looking for employees we let go for certain reasons. As far as I know, I’m still the head of this company.”

Reid turns in his seat as he begins to talk. “Yes, but Hayes is getting impatient, angry, and based on the timeline you told us, it’s related to you ignoring his calls. He will get mad at you and try to punish you for that.”

“I highly doubt it.”

“Why?” Hotch asks. 

“Does it really matter?”

“I’m going to ask this one last time—why?”

Your silence gives Reid an idea. “Were you in a romantic relationship with him?”

“God, no, no, it’s just,” you begin, stopping for a moment to think. “He has a family, he’s always so nice to everyone, why would he do that? It can’t be to protect me.”

“His way of thinking isn’t exactly rational anymore,” the younger man begins, flashing an understanding smile at you. “As for the security company, it would be best if you stayed close to us.”

With a sigh, you decide to drop it for now. In fact, you want to let go of the conversation altogether. So, instead of putting up another fight, you unlock your phone and dive into your emails, ignoring the men’s existence for the rest of the ride.

••••••••••

Once on their floor, Reid leads you to an empty office, saying you can use that for the time being. It’s way darker than the office or the lab that you’re used to, but you don’t have the luxury to be picky, there is a lot to do before you can call it a day. The interview was transformed into an online one, the journalist promised to call you a little later, the board meeting that was scheduled for the afternoon was postponed to the day after tomorrow, and you gave yourself a new deadline as the prototype wasn’t here with you.

Yet, despite the long to-do list, you don’t interrupt Reid when he continues your previous conversation about your work, and soon you’re joined by Garcia, who charms you in a matter of seconds. Prentiss and Morgan arrive as well, shortly introducing themselves before leaving to get back to work.

But then the little gathering is coming to a halt, because Hotch shows up just to tell you that you can’t stay here. Instead, he wants you to use his office, saying he’d rather have you somewhere he can keep an eye on you. Garcia and Reid both watch you with visible confusion, which tells you it must be quite unusual, even for them. But you don’t feel like arguing, so you follow the unit chief down the hallway.

As you’re sitting on the couch, you can’t help but glance over at him every now and then, watching as he tries to catch up with the paperwork while they wait. For what, though, is a mystery, no one tells you anything regarding the case. Being left in the dark is definitely not what you’re used to.

Two hours later he returns to the office, but instead of coming in, he simply leans against the doorframe, brown eyes watching you with surprising softness. “How about getting some coffee?” he asks.

Now that’s something you can’t say no to. “You have coffee?”

A short, dry laugh follows your question. “We do, it’s terrible, which is why I was thinking about going to a coffee shop nearby. Want to come with me?”

“I thought I had to stay here to be safe,” you point out. 

“It’s close and I have a gun,” he says with a barely visible smile. “So?”

“That would be great.”

He signals you to follow him, and, as if you were a trained puppy, you do exactly as he wants. While you pass the bullpen, you can’t help but notice the eyes of the members of his team, and you even hear the whispers behind your back. Do they suspect something? Did they notice that maybe you have met before this morning? Or what if Hotch told them himself? But no, if he did, he wouldn’t have acted like he didn’t know you. 

In the car, there’s a comfortable silence settling between you, and it’s hard not to think about the night you met him. The party was boring, the usual shallow event where people could network and show off, but when a woman you knew came over to you to say a mutual acquaintance was on the roof, planning to jump down after receiving a phone call, things took an interesting turn. 

Hotch was in the group you were both a part of in a conversation, and when he heard what happened, he offered to join you. It took a good half hour, but eventually he managed to convince the man to change his mind, and that’s when he told you about who he was. The rest of the night passed with a pleasant chat, learning a lot more about each other, and at the end he asked for your number, promising to call you soon.

Well, he never did.

But today, you’re willing to put that aside if he wants to act like you didn’t know each other. Instead of stirring drama, you inhale deeply and look out the window. “You know, it’s nice,” you note, breaking the silence.

“What’s nice?”

“Not being treated like I was some weirdo.”

For a moment, he turns his head to look at you. “That’s how people see you?” You let out a hum of confirmation. “Well, having Reid on the team helped us gain some experience in dealing with geniuses, I guess.”

“Look at that! A smile! You should smile more often,” you note teasingly, even biting on your lip before commenting on how much more handsome it makes him. 

He shakes his head without glancing over at you. “You’re not letting that smile thing go, are you?” he asks.

“Hmm… No, I don’t think so.” Silence falls between you, because there’s something you want to ask, something you’re not sure you should bring up. But then you take a deep breath and speak up again. “Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“You’re nice to me,” you say, then turn to look at him. “Why?”

Hotch takes a deep breath before looking at you, and you can see a slightly confused expression on his face. “As far as I know, it’s not a crime to be nice.”

“That’s true, still.” His eyes turn back to the road ahead, and you can tell that this was all, he doesn’t want to talk more about this. “So, I guess he wasn’t at home,” you then say, changing the topic. You know Morgan and Prentiss went to Hayes’ home, but neither of them told you about the result.

“No, he wasn’t. But we will find him,” he assures you.

“Are you sure I’m in danger?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” 

He remains silent for a little too long, probably wondering how much he can tell you. “His wife left him about eight months ago and took their daughter with her. That could be a stressor. He focused on his job, where he once again found traitors, then he lost control.”

“That doesn’t explain why he would turn on me.”

“You’ve been ignoring him. You blocked his number. He’s getting angry, he kills more frequently. We found another body today, but this time it wasn’t a past or current employee. He will reach the point when he starts to blame you for his own actions.”

You look out the window on the side, watching the people on the street. “I don’t believe it,” you note, although this sentence is meant more to you than him.

“I thought you were smarter than this.” Your attention snaps back to him when he reaches out to touch your hand. “Take it seriously. Please.”

“Okay.” You look down at his hand, having a hard time deciding how the way his thumb massages your skin makes you feel. It certainly makes you think, and you don’t shy away from bringing it up. “We should probably talk about the elephant in the room,” you tell him.

But Hotch suddenly pulls his hand away and parks the car in front of a coffee shop. Even though he gets out, you stay behind, staring ahead as you think about this. Maybe you should tell them you’ll take care of your own protection, you won’t need their help any longer. It would be easier for everyone.

Eventually, you catch up, but after you both place your orders, there’s an argument about who’s gonna pay, although he shuts you down with a single look. So, you give up the fight and decide to remain silent until you arrange your trip to your holiday house in Aspen.

Then you take a seat in a booth, and he starts talking unexpectedly. “I thought we were having a fresh start, like we didn’t know each other at all,” he says, continuing the conversation that ended so abruptly in the car.

“You started that this morning when you introduced yourself like I was a complete stranger, I just played along,” you respond, although you’re having a hard time figuring him out. 

He lets out a sigh, his fingers drumming on the side of the cup as he watches you. “I didn’t know where we stood after that night.”

“You disappeared, Hotch. You asked for my number and never called. I thought I misunderstood what happened, so I decided to move on, but don’t think it didn’t hurt.”

“I wanted to call you, but then I had one case after another and realized I don’t have the time to maintain a relationship you would deserve.”

You can’t help but snort. “You could have told me that instead of ignoring me completely.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, and you can tell he’s being honest now.

It doesn’t make sense to you. He’s been sending you mixed signals since you met again in the morning, and deep down you want to clarify the situation before leaving. “Tell me this,” you begin as you lean closer over the table. “If you wanted to act like we didn’t know each other, why did you become so overprotective? Because that’s what you’ve been all day long; forcing me to come with you, keeping me in your office, and taking me out to get coffee.”

Hotch stops to think. “I can’t stand the thought of you getting hurt. I know it’s probably hard to believe, but that’s the truth. I like you, and every time I read an article about you, or watch one of your interviews, I think about what things could be like.”

“I wish you hadn’t disappeared on me back then.”

“We can fix that now,” he says softly as he reaches out to take your hand.

But you don’t like the idea of him touching you, so you pull your hand away as you look elsewhere. “I’m not sure if I want it now. Maybe it’s already too late.” You can hear him let out a long sigh, which makes you turn back to him. “Look, when we get back, I’ll call a friend of mine to send someone who will escort me to my holiday house in Colorado. I’ll take my jet, it will be safe.”

“No.”

“I wasn’t asking for your permission, Hotch,” you point out. 

“I know, but you can’t leave. We don’t know when we’ll need you to help us with something. So, no, you’re not leaving. In fact, you’ll stay in my apartment, because I can’t leave you in the office.”

“Do I get a say in this?”

He raises his eyebrows as he looks at you, as if you’ve just made a stupid joke. “No.”

••••••••••

You decided to be a good girl and didn’t put up a fight when he told you it was time to leave the office at the end of the day. You didn’t argue when he ordered food for dinner. You weren’t hostile when he started a conversation. You played his game, just like he expected you to, as if you understood why he was so keen on keeping you close. 

You even offered him a chance to lure Hayes to the party your company was holding for the employees the next day. When he agreed to do it on the condition of him and his team attending too, you said good night, and went to sleep. But that didn’t last long, the moment you heard his bedroom door close, you sneaked out and returned to your office. 

But the next day he found you. You were sitting behind your desk, signing a couple of documents your assistant left behind for you, when you heard footsteps getting closer.

“What the hell were you thinking?!” he yelled, walking around your desk to stand right in front of you.

Morgan raised his hands to calm him down. “Hotch,” he warned his boss, but it felt like he didn’t say a word.

Because he completely ignored the other man, instead he focused on you, his eyes burning a hole into you. “You disappear in the middle of the night without a word? No one knew where you went, he could have found you!”

“Hotch, calm down, she’s safe.”

“Morgan, stay out of this, please.”

“Am I arrested?” you ask, keeping your voice calm and quiet.

He looks back at you. “No, but—”

“Then I can go wherever I want,” you tell him. “I don’t need your permission. Hell, you don’t even have proof that he’s after me.”

“But he could be, which is more than enough.”

“Unless you want to arrest me, please, leave the building. If you don’t, I’ll ask security to escort you out,” you inform him, already reaching for your phone to make the call if needed.

Hotch’s eyes soften, and you can see his desperation. “Don’t do this,” he asks you.

Silence follows his words, but you don’t want to give him the satisfaction of winning this one. So, rolling your eyes, you close your laptop and stand up, already moving past him to reach the hallway. If they want to stay, then fine, let them stay, but you’ll sure as hell not stick around. He doesn’t try to stop you, neither does Morgan, although you can feel both men watching as you disappear on the hallway. 

You barely reach the first corner, though, when you find yourself face to face with Hayes, the very man they’ve been trying to protect you from. Fuck. But maybe you’re lucky, maybe he’s only here to pick something up from his office, maybe it’s a meeting, maybe it’s anything other than the need to hurt you. Flashing a friendly smile at him, you say, “John, I thought you were on leave.”

“There’s something I have to take care of,” he says, and you feel a wave of relief wash over you. 

“Okay. I’ll spend most of the day in my lab, so if you need anything, you kn—” You don’t finish the sentence, because he suddenly pulls out a gun and points it at you. “John, put that away,” you try weakly.

Hayes closes the distance between you to grab your arm and yank you towards the stairs. “Come with me.”

“There are innocent people here, don’t do something you would regret later.”

“This has to be done,” he says, and you can hear the determination in his voice, mixed with a hint of insanity. 

Before you could get far, though, you’re both stopped by a familiar voice when Hotch's angry voice cuts through the air. “Hayes, let her go,” he instructs. 

The man steps behind you and pushes the barrel of the gun at your head. “No! Take one step closer and I’ll shoot her.”

“You only wanted to protect her and the company, didn’t you? Killing her would ruin your plan,” Morgan tries to reason, although you’re not quite sure he’s in the right state of mind to process that properly.

“She doesn’t appreciate what I do for her.”

“I’m sure she does.”

“No! She didn’t say thank you after I punished those people, she didn’t even answer my calls and messages.”

You gulp, feeling like this whole mess is your fault, that maybe if you talked to him, you would’ve found out what he did sooner. “John, please,” you beg him. 

“Shut up!”

Before anyone else could speak up, you catch movement out of the corner of your eye when the assistant of one of the deputy CEO’s steps out of the main meeting room, and she cries loudly when she notices the weapons. “What’s—Oh my god!” she says, her voice laced with panic. 

This averts Hayes’s attention, and he lets go of you just enough to give Morgan the chance to shoot him. You look down at the body on the floor, blood pooling around him as the agent comes closer to check his pulse. “He’s dead,” he announces, turning to his boss before looking back at you. 

You’re crying, you can’t stop yourself, and you’re only pulled out of your spiraling thoughts by Hotch’s worried voice as he moves closer and extends his arms. “Come here.” You don’t even think about it, you only follow your instincts and let him pull you into a tight hug. “He can’t hurt you anymore, you’re safe,” he whispers to you, then turns to his colleague. “Morgan, take care of this, I’ll take her back to her office.”

“Okay, you got it,” comes the answer. 

“I’m fine, you don’t need to come with me,” you note as you step away from him and wipe the tears away. “Would you like me to evacuate the building?”

“No, only close this floor.”

“Sure.”

Hotch grabs your shoulders and turns you back to face him. “Look at me.” When you do, he goes on, his voice soft and worried. “Don’t do this.”

“I’m not doing anything,” you mumble.

“You’re pushing me away, but you shouldn’t be alone now.”

You shrug. “Then Morgan could stay by my side until you are ready to let me go.”

“Hey, I think it would be better if you stayed with Hotch,” the agent says. 

“What did I do to you? Did I hurt you?” you ask him, sounding as serious as you manage in this situation. 

Morgan groans as he rolls his eyes at you. “Come on.”

“You’re childish, and stubborn, and getting on my nerves now,” Hotch states impatiently. “Let’s go, I need to ask you a few questions.”

“About what?”

“About Hayes holding you at gunpoint.”

“But you saw what happened.”

“Not the whole thing.”

Since there is nothing you can do considering you’re expected to work together with them, you follow him to your office, where you lean against the desk with your arms defensively folded over your chest. “You’re overreacting,” you inform him. 

Hotch scoffs, giving you a disapproving look. “You left my house and he almost murdered you. Since when does being worried about you count as overreacting?”

“And why are you worried? Who am I to you exactly?” you ask in an attempt to challenge him. 

He watches you for a short while, and you have absolutely no idea what’s going on inside his head. But then, out of nowhere, he places a hand on your neck and pulls you into a kiss. A soft one that’s full of emotions, something he’s been planning to do for a while now. “It’s up to you,” he says quietly, staying close to you. 

“That’s emotional blackmail,” you respond, your voice barely above a whisper, as if you were telling this to yourself. 

He lets out a short laugh, the big smile remaining in place. “Not quite.”

“Hotch, please, this isn’t funny.”

“I’m not laughing at you, I promise,” he says as he shakes his head. “Have dinner with me. Tonight, before I’m dragged away for work.”

“I can’t.”

You don’t miss the disappointed look on his face as he steps back. “Of course you can’t,” he notes bitterly.

Tilting your head to the side, you reach out for his hand. “Hey, the gala, remember? That’s tonight.” Finally, he remembers. “How about a deal? You join me as my plus one, and we can talk.”

“You’ll ignore me.”

“I won’t.”

“And if you do?”

A playful smile appears on your lips. “You don’t trust me?”

“I just want to make sure you keep your word,” he points out while he laces your fingers. 

“Ouch. I’ll behave.”

He leans down to place a kiss on your forehead, then flashes a smile at you. “That’s all I ask of you.”

Before he could kiss you again, Morgan knocks on the door and watches the pair of you with a teasing grin on his face, but seeing the look his boss sends his way, he decides to leave this for now. Instead, he gives him an update. Despite the conversation happening in your presence, you can’t focus on their words. You’re busy studying Hotch’s face, getting lost in those eyes that caught your attention months ago. Maybe this time he’ll stick around and stop ignoring you.

Maybe this time it can work out. 

[benjiclarington]

'Done nothing wrong' and 'for no reason' are not mutually exclusive. The reason was the enforcement of a clause that even you have seemed to had a change of heart about... Yes, it's harsh, but we would have had to do something had this not resolved itself, Baxter. Because 'this clause is in effect except for this couple' wouldn't work. Not legally and, arguably more importantly, not socially. Especially in an environment like ours where the hostility between the Queens is already so constant, keeping it to three incident reports a month is considered a win...

Would I have felt bad? On a personal level, of course. And on a business level, I would have extended him a hearty but reasonable severance package. I also would've immediately spoken to Enrique over at The Peacock, Róisín at Irish Gold, Jerome at the Beast Chamber, and Augustine at The Gallery to put in a good word and hopefully negotiate a reasonably similar rate for him at one of their establishments, [he pointed out lightly.] We were never going to just... throw him to the wolves, Baxter. But we were going to work within the confines given to us, [he pointed out lightly.] Because that's what works long term.

I have never once called you stupid or purposely tried to talk down to you, Baxter. What I've been trying to do--perhaps not well--was appeal to your logical side at times where it's obvious your emotional side is taking the lead.

You own a business. Many of the employees are your family and friends. And that's fine in theory. But you cannot allow that to cloud your judgement when push comes to shove. We still have to be evenhanded with our policies. We still need forms. We still need contracts. We still need incident reports. Really, we need all those things more because of the extra element of so many close ties on the payroll...

None of that should be seen as an insult or as some indication that trust isn't enough. It should just be... procedure. A must that doesn't necessitate much additional thought until something flags otherwise. It should be like... renewing your renter's insurance. Does having renter's insurance inherently mean you don't trust the people that live in your building? Of course not. But you still have it just in case.

You hired me to worry about the long term. And the long term means remembering that I'm not the only person who's going to be looking at our documentation, or our hiring choices, or what policies we do or don't choose to enforce and why. Tax auditors... liquor licensers... government agencies... they'll be checking in periodically even if there's never a single complaint filed about this club--partially because the previous owners ran this club so poorly and partially because that's what they're supposed to do occasionally anyway. ...And I won't even list all the others that get involved if something does get filed as I'm sure I've labored that point more than enough by now...

My overall point, Baxter, is that just because I've spent 30+ years learning how to keep emotions out of it, doesn't mean I don't have them. Or that I derive some kind of... pleasure from doing the logical, business choice--especially when someone's livelihood is on the line. But that's the field I've chosen. And whether you realized it or not at the time, it's the field you've chosen, too--or at least you have if you actually want this club to continuing running when you're no longer in the state.

If this is just a short term endeavor for you, that's fine. Let me know. But if we want this business to survive long term, one of us will have to make those hard decisions. And that's what I'm here for--not because I want to, but because I recognize it's necessary.

...Baxter. ...Why do you have it in your mind that all I want to do is fire the people close to you for no reason? [Atlas asked quitely. Was that... hurt in his voice?]

[Atlas turned his chair to make sure Iris and Marv were still preoccupied in the kitchen before continuing.] Listen... I know we haven't been in lockstep lately, but... I always thought we agreed on at least the broad strokes for what you wanted for The Flame's future and the expectation of you wanting me to do what's necessary to keep it growing and managed in a better way than the previous owners...

...I... If it isn't working out... you can just tell me.

[housewarningparty]

2024 AOTY

by me! your pal, bri-bri

originally i was going to just write up the first ten albums or so, but then i had things i wanted to say about the rest of 'em so i just kept going. that made the list really long though. so here's just the numbered list, under the cut you'll find my extended thoughts n feelings :)

What I'll Leave Behind by Void of Vision

For Your Consideration by Empress Of

Sanshi by Ripped to Shreds

Coup de Grace by Seeyouspacecowboy

Aumicide by Atrae Bilis

Children of the Moon by State Faults

Ridiculous and Full of Blood by Julie Christmas

Absolute Elsewhere by Blood Incantation

Lonely People [EP] by Love Rarely

Cutting the Throat of God by Ulcerate

Infinite Mortality by Replicant

I Got Heaven by Mannequin Pussy

Valerie by Tei Shi

Forever by Charly Bliss

You Could Do It Tonight by Couch Slut

World Fighter by Angel Sword

Hicimos Crecer un Bosque by Fin del Mundo

Ephemera [EP] by Ben Quad

Stygian Rose by Crypt Sermon

Infinite Void by With Sails Ahead

Vault of Horrors by Aborted

Revelations by Sarah Shook & the Disarmers

Steps Ascending by Stand Still

The Tower by Urban Heat

AOTY 2024

Full list here: write-ups for specific albums under th cut. Ranked somewhat arbitrarily.

1. What I'll Leave Behind by Void of Vision (metalcore) - absolute bummer that this will be the final album by these guys, but I'm grateful for the fact that I was able to see them a few times before they had to call it quits. Been describing this as like a song missing from the Saw 2 soundtrack or something that should have been playing at one of the clubs in Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines or something. I feel like that's accurate - alt metalcore with its nails painted black and a profound love of Nine Inch Nails. Strong lyricism drawn from real trauma, enough fun electronics to make them stand out from more generic metalcore acts, plenty of hooks and some sick breakdowns as well to keep things heavy. I hope Jack Bergin's brain never explodes again and retiring from touring helps him lead a long and healthier life. "Gamma Knife" is the highlight for me

2. For Your Consideration by Empress Of (Pop) - my favorite pop album of the year. Lorely Rodriguez is so insanely talented, this album has a pretty diverse range of sounds without becoming too inconsistent. I love that there's raunchy club bangers like "Femenine" right next to sappy love songs like "Kiss Me" and more introspective tracks like "What Type of Girl Am I?"

3. Sanshi by Ripped to Shreds (Death Metal) - very good year for death metal but I think this is my favorite DM record of the year. I've always enjoyed Andy Lee's projects and Ripped to Shreds has been my favorite of them for years but expanding to a full band has taken them to a whole nother level. Killer riffage throughout, insanely fun lead swapping between Lee and Michael Chavez. "Horrendous Corpse Resurrection" is easily one of my top songs of the year

4. Coup de Grace by Seeyouspacecowboy (Metalcore) - this was a big big SYSC year for me, in large part bc I ended up seeing them live so many times. Honestly initially I struggled with Coup de Grace because it leans harder into the dramatic, theatrical MCR/P!ATD style of emo than any of their other work, and that's not necessarily to my taste. This still makes the top 5 despite regularly skipping several songs on each listen because the rest of it is so damn good. Could not stop listening to it this fall. Safe to say it grew on me. "Chewing the Scenery" and "Subtle Whispers to Take Your Breath Away" were two of my most played tracks for the whole year

5. Aumicide by Atrae Bilis (Death Metal) - one of the most underrated death metal bands active rn imo. No sophomore slump for these guys, this record absolutely smokes from start to finish. It's heavy and it's nasty, but it still grooves. There's enough melody to make it addictive but they're still able to maintain the harshness that makes dissonant death metal compelling. "Hell Simulation" and the closing track "Excruciate Incarnate" are perfect examples of the balance they strike between those two modes

6. Children of the Moon by State Faults (post-hardcore) - 2024 was the year I discovered State Faults. Very much the experience of finding a band that is so much Your Shit that it feels insane that you're almost a decade late to the party. Children of the Moon is the best post-hardcore album of the year imo and it's not even close. These guys draw from an incredible range of influences to create some of the most affecting work in the genre - brutal and beautiful and profound. "Palo Santo" and "No Gospel" absolutely blow me away every time

7. Ridiculous and Full of Blood by Julie Christmas (post-metal? Noise? Julie Christmascore) - anyone already familiar with Julie Christmas' work does not need me to explain why she's such a powerhouse and anyone not familiar will be done a disservice by anything short of listening to her music for themself. All I can truly say about Ridiculous and Full of Blood is that it's one of the most dynamic, interesting albums of the year and I just hope to God she doesn't make us wait another 14 years for her next solo record. The band she assembled for this album is insane across the board, but in particular it was a delight to see her collaborating with Johannes Persson again eight years after the absolutely masterful collaboration with Cult of Luna. If you listen to only one song out of all the stuff I'm recommending today, let it be "The Lighthouse"

8. Absolute Elsewhere by Blood Incantation (progressive death metal) - everyone won't shut up about this album but in this case the praise is absolutely earned. Cosmic, atmospheric, brutal, spacey, heavy as hell. With a Tangerine Dream collaboration no less! Essentially comprised of two long songs, Absolute Elsewhere is a record you need to make time for, meant to be listened to in full to get the most out of it, but it's so, so worth it to take the time. A stunning, transportive piece

9. Lonely People [EP] by Love Rarely (post-hardcore/math rock) - my favorite EP of the year. A very exciting band, they fuse hooky, math rock riffs with post-hardcore intensity. Courtney Levitt's vocals are incredible - a combination of throat shredding shrieks and powerful, emotional clean singing that makes you instantly sit up and pay more attention. "Say Yes" was on repeat for me all year

10. Cutting the Throat of God by Ulcerate (death metal) - an absolutely crushing, depressive, beautiful piece of dissonant death metal. Undeniably heavy, but on this outing we see Ulcerate lean into some post-rock esque melodicism that elevates their sound even further. It's such an atmospheric album - grim and unrelenting, but strangely delicate in places. Top notch musicianship throughout, but Jaime Saint-Merat's drumming is just mind-blowing. The title track is a must-listen song for anyone who gives a shit about heavy music at all

11. Infinite Mortality by Replicant (Death Metal) - I noticed in my write-ups for the other two dissonant death metal albums on this list, I took a moment to highlight and praise the melodicism therein. That won't be happening for Infinite Mortality. That's not to say there's zero melody at all but to emphasize how much that's not the draw here. This album is an altogether darker, nastier, more menacing affair. There's a grime here, a dizzying, sinister undertone of violence. My first time listening to this record was as background music while I was reading Crypt of the Moon Spider by Nathan Ballingrud and there was a scene in that book I was reading during "Orgasm of Bereavement" where the combination of the sounds I was hearing and the words I was reading gave me a full-body sensory experience: goosebumps, a faint sense of nausea, slight dizziness. I can't think of a stronger album recommendation than that.

12. I Got Heaven by Mannequin Pussy (Rock) - ANOTHER BANGER FROM MISSY DABICE AND CO. Mannequin Pussy keep getting better and better and it seems like they're finally (deservedly) starting to blow up with this record. It's a joy to listen to - snarky, vulnerable, earnest, clever, joyful and pissed off in turns. "Loud Bark" is already iconic, easily one of the finest songs they've written in an already stacked career of certifiable bangers

13. Valerie by Tei Shi (pop) - my second favorite pop album of the year! Tei Shi's first independent release. The breadth of songs on this album is incredible - bachata inflected pop kicks the album off with the explosively catchy "QQ (QUÉDATE QUERIENDOME)" and by the middle of the record we've somehow transitioned to intimate, heart wrenchingly vulnerable meditations on a painful miscarriage with "Falling From Grace." Frustration with the major label rat race as well as evergreen pop subjects of love and heartbreak fill out the rest of the album, but no matter the topic or the style of the song, everything feels honest and confident. The Spanglish version of "Mona Lisa" is one of my favorite pop songs of the year

14. Forever by Charly Bliss (Rock/Power Pop) - talking about honest, vulnerable music! Charly Bliss made their comeback this year and it's unsurprisingly one of the best albums to come out in 2024. Forever feels like a great marriage of the sounds on their other two LPs, Guppy and Young Enough. The band is still leaning into the pop sound that clearly enthralls them but there's a welcome return for fun guitar riffs too. Also there's no album on this list that has a stronger opening than the three song run of "Tragic" to "Calling You Out" to "Back There Now"

15. You Could Do It Tonight by Couch Slut (Sludge Metal/Noise) - okay enough pop music time for something gross and gnarly and almost guaranteed to give you some kind of disease. Couch Slut have always been here to upset you - and holy shit are they good at it on this album. Each and every song on this record is a provocative, stomach-churning vignette in its own right but none moreso than "The Donkey" where Megan Osztrosits recounts a horrifyingly fucked up story of a friend's drug-fueled bout of self mutilation in Chat Pile-esque spoken word over massive, dirty sludge metal riffs. It's fucking sick. "Here's what happened when my friends and I got fired from a haunted water park" - tell me you don't want to hear how the rest of this story goes, even knowing it will end in a grotesque, bloody mess.

16. World Fighter by Angel Sword (Heavy Metal) - okay enough edgelord shit now we're back to having fun. I honestly didn't think there would be a trad metal release that would top Razor Wire by Mean Mistreater, and then I stumbled into Angel Sword this summer. It's just candy, man. Extremely catchy 80s style riffs, incredible hooks, gritty yet charming vocals. This album is dripping in neon, racing down the highway at 90 miles an hour with two topless babes in the backseat telling you how cool your studded denim jacket and fresh perm look. "Vigilantes" never gets old for me

17. Hicimos Crecer un Bosque by Fin del Mundo (shoegaze) - kinda wild that this is the only shoegaze album that made it onto my list this year but it is what it is! And what it is in this case is the killer second album by Argentinian band Fin del Mundo. If you like fuzzy guitars and ethereal vocals, this is the record on this list for you. Although labeling them a shoegaze band is accurate, it fails to account for the ways post-rock, emo, and dream pop elevate the bands sound to another level. It's a record that's soothing and engaging at the same time, well produced, clear sounding without being too polished. "Vivimos lejos" brings a charming kind of ASIWYFA-style combination of gang vocals and emo instrumentals, resulting in basically four and half perfect minutes of music

18. Ephemera [EP] by Ben Quad (post-hardcore) - many bands are doing the throwback 00s emo/metalcore thing right now, but few of them are doing it as well as Ben Quad on this EP. This is basically They're Only Chasing Safety-worship but that's fine by me. Frantic, melodic, scathing and nakedly emotional, I love the intensity of this EP. I'd kill for a full record in this style tbh, but for now I'll be happy with what we've got. It's an incredibly short 11 minute runtime so I'd really recommend just listening to the whole thing but if nothing else, don't skip "Your Face as an Effigy"

19. Stygian Rose by Crypt Sermon (Epic Heavy Metal) - epic heavy metal, I'm sure, sounds like the stupidest genre name in the world. But like, listen to Stygian Rose and you'll immediately understand there's nothing else that describes it as well. Big, heavy doomy guitars, fast drumming, crazy soloing, nimble bass riffage, powerful heavy metal vocals and lyrics about like wizards and evil kings and stuff? Lie to yourself if you want, but I know the truth. This album fucks hard. "Heavy is the Crown of Bone" and "Glimmers in the Underworld" are crushing, face-melting works of fantasy bullshit. I can't get enough of this album

20. Infinite Void by With Sails Ahead (Post-hardcore) - I discovered these guys through a collaboration with Pulses. last year and I spent most of the intervening time eagerly anticipating the release of their debut LP Infinite Void. And let me tell you, it did not disappoint. It's an incredibly confident and fun first record - firmly on the Swancore side of PHC but lacking a lot of what tends to annoy me in that subgenre (insufferable songs about the male ego). Sierra Binondo's powerful and diverse vocal range really takes these guys to another level in a genre where extremely talented musicians are a dime a dozen. Go listen to "Ryn" right now and tell me you're not at least a little bit in love now

21. Vault of Horrors by Aborted (Brutal Death Metal) - it's Aborted! It's a cheeseburger. But it's a really, really, really good cheeseburger after you've been craving one for ages. This record has two gimmicks - all the songs are based on horror movies and each has a feature from a guest vocalist. Admittedly, I find brutal/tech death to be kind of wearying after a while and this tends to affect listenability for me, which is precisely why this album has a place on my AOTY list - I don't get tired of it. It's brutal and punishing but catchy and fun to listen to. Daníel Konráðsso absolutely does not sound like a human being on this. I bet his calf muscles are insane, because the double bass on this record is frankly disgusting. "The Golgothan" has my favorite riff of the record, but there's no bad tracks, honestly

22. Revelations by Sarah Shook & the Disarmers (Alt Country) - haven't really figured out a way to talk about this band that doesn't feel at least a little bit like deadnaming singer/guitarist River Shook but they've yet to change their band name so! Admittedly, not a very country heavy year for me, but if everything I've dabbled in, Revelations is the easy standout. Continuing the band's legacy of clever, honest lyricism and rollicking country rock musicianship, Revelations feels like the best version of their sound yet. "Motherfucker" is a straightforward, righteously pissed off ode to gross, predatory men in the industry, "Backsliders" is a good old fashioned broken-hearted ode to a bad relationship, while "Jane Doe" is the easy standout shot through with emotion, clever lyricism and brilliant guitar work

23. Steps Ascending by Stand Still (Pop Punk/Melodic Hardcore) - I was a teen in the 00s so I'll always be weak to that very Long Island melodic hardcore in 2004 sound that this album is evoking so perfectly. I love fast drums, I love posi philosophical lyrics, I love those melodic, angular guitar riffs, I love a guy shouting and I love gang vocals. Those things in combination just always work on me. "We Know the Score" + "Mysticism" are the perfect 'holler along at the top of your lungs in the car' combo

24. The Tower by Urban Heat (Post-Punk) - one of my most anticipated albums of the year. When they started the album rollout with singles like "Sanitizer" and "Right Time of Night" I had a pretty good idea that the final product would have a good shot at being one of my favorite records of the year. And of course I was right. Most Post-Punk isn't quite capable of keeping my attention, but Urban Heat are so damn good at songcraft. The songs on this record are incredibly dynamic, ranging from the snotty disdain of the aforementioned "Sanitizer" to the surprising tenderness of the New Wave ballad "Seven Safe Places." It's an incredibly strong showing from a really exciting band. I've heard they're killer live, too. Maybe if I'm lucky this coming year I'll get a chance to find out for myself.

And that's it! 24 for 24

Except for these also >:)

Honorable Mentions (aka albums it killed me to leave off this list so I'm cheating by adding them here)

Club Shy [EP] by Shygirl

Prude by Drug Church

It's Inside You by Candy

Sunrise Over Rigor Mortis by Beaten to Death

Verses in Oath by Hulder

Beating the Drums of Ancestral Force by Tzompantli

Agony & Wounds by Obscene

Cure by ERRA

Songs of Blood and Mire by Spectral Wound

The Cycles of Trying to Cope by Like Moths to Flames

Razor Wire by Mean Mistreater

I'll Drown on This Earth by Cold Gawd

Heaven Let them Die [EP] by Counterparts

Dark Superstition by Gatecreeper

[echantedtoon]

A Lovers' Circle (Poly Haishira x Reader) Ch25 As Days Go By In January

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@the-unknown-fandom

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Remember if you want to be added to the taglist lemme know

(This chapter night be a little cluttered but that's because it's a big filler chapter for the next chapter when things really take off. For better or for worse?...Well what fun would it be if I spoiled anything?)

The new year was an odd feeling to the body. 

It felt like everything was new but the same as always all the time. And thus you decided to make yourself a new year revolution bucket list. Spend more time doing the things you loved with the people you loved! You had so many more friends than you ever did at any point in your life, and you were going to start spending more time with them. Starting with your oldest and most dearest friend!

The clinking of a plate and teacup being sat upon the table as the spices from the noodles and broth they say in. The smell accompanied by the scent of Earl grey tea placed right next to the bowl by a smiling face.

"Here you go. One of these days I'm going to learn how to make my own noodles then it'll truly be made from scratch."

Murata breathed in the delicious fragrance before sighing and picking up the chopsticks you leant him. His stomach growling. "Thanks, Y/n. Can't remember the last time I had a home cooked meal."

"It's ok. If you want I'll pack you up what I had to make for baking class. It's just taking up space in my fridge and we both know that I don't really enjoy spicy foods all too much anyways."

He looked at you. "Hey. You really don't have to do that. Sabito an' I get by fine on our own-"

"It's not a trouble. At this point it's just taking up space in my fridge and I'd hate to waste food." Your only other option was to give it to Giyuu and Shinobu..or call up Mitsuri as a quick food disposal but everyone was very busy with classes as the finals for the year were approaching and every chance to study counted. Plus Murata needed it more. "All I ask is for my containers back when you're finished."

"Alright. I'll get it. You'll be making me take them home anyways." The smile on his face was a rare one for him and how stressed he usually was. "Thanks."

You smiled brightly at him already on your way to go empty out your fridge. Honestly most of the dishes stuck in there was just foods you had to bake for health class to pass and then just got stuck left in your fridge as most of it was spicy foods you didn't like all too much. But Murata and his boyfriend liked these so they'd go to them.

So into the tupperware containers they went as you dug them out from cabinets and sorted out the fridge situation. Busing yourself by speaking to the happy man slurping down the udon like he hadn't had a good tasting meal in the last year. He'd stopped by just an hour ago for old times sake and you were happy to catch up with your old friend.

"How's college been?"

"Mood," he answered muffled by his full mouth giving a sigh as the delicious taste waved down his throat. "If I pass this year then maybe I can graduate early! That way I don't have to work that stressful pizza job anymore."

"Oh. Well don't strain yourself studying. Get some sleep before you start staying up all night."

"Right. Right." He paused a moment to watch as you poured spicy miso soup into a small container for him, eyeing your form before taking a sigh to brace himself. "So .um. How's your boyfriend been treating you?"

"Gyomei?" You took a second to look back over your shoulder at him. "He's been nothing but the perfect gentleman. I'm very happy with him."

Murata slowly nodded looking concerned. "I see. And he.. hasn't done anything that's bothered you or hurt you in anyway?" He rolled his wrist. "Especially with the whole I'm seeing nearly half the college thing. Sounds like cheating to me."

"Murata!!" You scowled hard at him making him hold up his hands. "Why on earth would you say that?!"

"I'm sorry! It just sounds really suspicious to me! And you can't blame me with your dating streak...N-No offense."

"Gyomei is not dating around with every person he sees!," you growled pointing a spoon at him threateningly, "He's polyamorous. NOT a cheater! I know exactly every one of his partners and all of them are lovely people who see no one but each other! There's a big misidentification between being poly and being a cheater!"

"Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry!," he repeated trying to calm you down. "I just wanted to be sure you were ok."

"I'm perfectly secure in my relationship with Gyomei. He's been completely upfront with everything and doesn't seem anyone outside me or his partners which I have stated before that I'm perfectly fine with him doing." You jabbed the spoon towards him firmly. "And I'm not seeing them, he is. So you can not make such rude accusations towards my BOYFRIEND, Murata."

"Ok, ok! I apologize!" You huffed still scowling at him before turning back to the task at hand. "I just wanted to be sure you were ok. You're like a sister to me and seeing you go through do much well..."

You sighed. "I appreciate your concern but you know me. If Mei was just like the other guys I dated, then I wouldn't even have gone on a second date with him let alone be his girlfriend. Look. I promise you IF anything bad happens, which it won't, then I'll be outta there faster than a cheetah. Ok?"

He sighed again too. "Alright. But if you ever need any help-"

"You and my aunt are the first ones I'll call. Now hush up and eat your udon before it goes cold."

He deflated but busied himself by eating the food and trying to lessen the tension in the air caused by his sudden disturbance. About ten minutes passed between him emptying his bowl and sipping his tea in silence before he spoke up again. 

"So..where is he now?"

"He's helping a friend study for a history exam he has next week. He won't be around today if that's what you're worried about."

"No, no. Just curious is all."

"You'd like him if you ever got to meet him. Even my aunt likes him."

"Your aunt is crazy no offense."

"Auntie is crazy in a 'lets go to a restaurant with my pet tarantula' kinda way. She's not crazy in a 'seeing things that aren't there' kinda way."

"Hm. Touche."

He took another sip of his drink as you sighed before there was a loud knock at the door causing both of you to turn to said door as loud knocking cascaded from the other side. 

"Oh! That's probably Auntie! I told her to come visit me this week!" Excited by the thought of your aunt coming by to visit you too, you placed down what you had been packing up, sped walked to the door, threw it open, blinked at wbo was on the other side, and then smiled. "Hi, Guys. I wasn't expecting you three to show up."

"HI, Y/N!!," Mitsuri instantly shouted with a full arm wave at you. Behind you keeping away from her furiously waving arm was Sanemi and Obanai whom looked more bored. 

"What are you guys doing here? I thought you were studying for final exams?"

"Those aren't until May which is months away," Sanemi grunted softly pushing Mitsuri's arm away from him before she accidentally sent him flying into the snow. "We're going to a concert tonight and wanted to know if you wanted to come along."

"Oh..Well I've never been to a concert before so I wouldn't know what to do there."

"It's not like a famous singer or anything, it's just a show party thrown together by a bunch of locals."

"Oh. Sure then! Sounds fun! Just let me finish up in the kitchen first. You guys wanna come in?" Stepping aside to allow them in immediately of course Mitsuri's attention turned to the kitchen.

"Do I smell udon?!"

"Yep! Do you want some?" She nodded eagerly making you smile and gestured to three of them to follow you. "Come on into the kitchen then. I'll fix you guys some."

Murata had been confused holding his cup as you returned only to be followed by a woman and two men he didn't know. Mitsuri didn't seem to have any problems with there being a literal stranger in your kitchen however both Sanemi and Obanai stopped in their tracks to stare at the confused man sipping away at his teacup. And equally as confused look graced Sanemi's face however Obanai's eyes widened... Before they narrowed suspiciously looking him up and down before pointing an accusing hand to him.

"WHO is HE?," He spat out rudely.

The tone made you look up from putting a lid on a container before blinking. "Oh, right. Guys, that's Murata. He's my best friend from highschool."

"Um.."Murata glanced the three individuals with confusion. "Sup?"

"HI!! OH MY GOSH!! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT Y/N HAD OTHER FRIENDS!! THAT'S SO SWEET!!," Mitsuri gushed in enthusiasm as usual.

He winced at her loud tone but nodded. "Uh..Yeah. Hey. You're the girl who was in the play right? My cousin was the Nutcracker." Obanai glared harder at him. 

"No way! I never would've guessed!!"

"So who are you guys?"

"That's Mitsuri." You continued to finish packaging his food since you were almost done anyways. "And Sanemi and Obanai."

"PFT?!" Instantly Murata nearly spat out his tea but he didn't. Instead it puffed up in his cheeks making him comically look like a chipmunk in horror before he eventually managed to swallow it down and proceeded to get into a minor coughing fit making you look at him. "*COUGH COUGH HACK!!* S-Sanemi Shina- *cough* -gawa?!"

"Yeah." Much like Obanai he gave a suspicious look crossing his arms. "What if it?"

"N-Nothing! Nothing!" Murata squeaked out looking a million shades suddenly paled now with a gulp. "I-It's just...Y/n spoke about you a lot is all."

"Yeah. These are the friends I told you about!" You turned with three tupperware containers stacked up in your hands before you proceeded to plant the three in front of your terrified friend. "They're all studying to become teachers! Isn't that neat?"

"Great!," he squeaked out high pitched, "We can always use more teachers!"

"What are you studying?," Obanai bluntly asked almost challenging him with his gaze.

"...Murata's studying computer science and programming! He wants to be a game developer. Isn't that great?", you answered for him when it was obvious that your terrified friend couldn't.

"Huh...I suppose." You have Obanai a frown making him sigh. "Snake On A Train is a good game though."

"Hey, Murata. Maybe you should get these home to Sabito before it goes cold."

"OKYEAH!!"

Helping your terrified friend find an excuse out, you politely showed him out the door sighing before returning to the kitchen finding Mitsuri helping herself to the entire large pot of udon and Sanemi still staring at everyone completely confused.

"What the hell was his problem?"

"Sorry. He's just-..Shy around some people."

"Uh huh."

He didn't seem to believe you but didn't push the issue figuring his reputation had just been what scared off your friend not taking offense to it. Thank goodness. Obanai however was suspiciously still eyeing where Murata was sitting like he personally offended him.

"Who was he?"

"My friend from highschool? I told you that." You eyed Mitsuri still slurping down broth, noodles, and veggies like it was nothing. Well...at least you wouldn't have any leftovers cluttering your fridge between Murata needing food and her appetite. "He just stopped by to visit me since we hadn't seen each other since Christmas."

"He wasn't trying to put the moves on you?" ...You, Mitsuri, and Sanemi both turned to give him looks. Yours confused and surprised and Sanemi a 'what the hell are you doing ' meanwhile Mitsuri's looked shocked before changing to beaming in happiness at her Boyfriend as if just confirming something. "Uh.." He quickly took notice of the situation before backtracking. "He..told me about the pub incident." He explained pointing a quick finger at Sanemi.

Did he assume Murata was hitting on you because he was eating in your kitchen? That was weird. "No. Nothing like that. Besides Murata already has a boyfriend so I don't think he's interested in me like that at all."

Obanai's eyes widened. "So...he wouldn't like-.."

"Not unless I suddenly turn into a man and changed my personality to be his type overnight. Which he's already in a long term relationship anyways so there's like zero chance there, Obi. You shouldn't jump to conclusions like that."

His eyes looked so cartoony widd as he stared at you before he looked away. "Right...Sorry."

"It's ok, but next time just ask me nicely before jumping the gun." You explained to him reminding you of the kids in the daycare.

"Anyways," Sanemi started looking at you, "-are we going or not?"

Well that was very awkward and confusing but luckily nothing bad had happened like Sanemi getting angry with Murata over a misunderstanding and it was only the second week into January. At least the 'concert' was fun even if you could call it that. It was just a small gathering of about thirty or so people and some mediocre bands played off tune or too loudly. But you had fun spending time with the three of them for a couple hours.

More days passed by and it was the same thing as usual mostly. Get up. Go to work. Do classes. Get the notes you couldn't get from Shinobu or Giyuu. Shopping. Bills. Chores. And the like. The third Monday of January you spent some time with the Kocho sisters and Giyuu. He'd asked you to come play shogi with him like you had promised him on Christmas and you agreed because a promise was a promise after all. The sisters were there. Shinobu was helping Kanae study for an upcoming exam using flashcards and a fake test to which Shinobu would 'grade' her on after to help. But they took time out to come over and talk to you about their current obsession.

"Have you read this book?"

You took a moment to glance at the book Shinobu held up to you. Of Butterflies and Devils. Before shaking your head no and turning back to the board game at hand. The entire game was confusing to you and the last two games you'd already lost quickly to the blue eyed man sitting across from you.

"Can't say that I have. What is it about?" You glanced around the pieces trying to calculate the best move. Didn't help that Giyuu had most of your pieces while you only had one of his.. eventually you settled og moving your third to last one to the left.

"It's about two sisters fighting against this unfeeling evil presence of their world." She spoke almost as if it was a personal journey she had gone through. "The entire story is their journey leading up to their first climax against the devil. Unfortunately the older sister passed away-"

"Shinobu, don't spoil the entire story for her." You glanced at Kanae on your other side as she held up a second much thicker book than the one Shinobu held. Poisoned Stained Glass was displayed on the cover. "That one is just a prequel story to the actual novel here. I think it's quite a lovely story even though her journey is quite tragic. You should read them sometime. Then you can join our book club."

"Oh. Sure! But I don't have them." You blinked as Giyuu held up your piece in his hand having made a move while you weren't looking. 

"I win again," he said simply.

You sighed at the fact he managed to beat you again. You really weren't very good at shogi. "Sorry, Giyuu. I'm not really much of a player."

"Why are you apologizing?," he asked simply placing down your piece again. "I find playing against you enjoyable. The entire purpose of the game is to find enjoyment not win isn't it?"

Huh. Spoken like a true team player or a really good coach. He was definitely going to make a great gym teacher. The entire statement had you smiling and nodding your head. "Yeah. I guess you're right. Practice makes perfect as they say so do you want to go another round?"

"Yes. Very much. This time I'll help teach you how to play." Already he was moving to reset the little wooden pieces. "That way you can make better moves."

Sounds good to you. You blinked as Kanae sat her book in front of you with a smile on her face. "Here. You can borrow my copy to read then we'll show you the third installment in the series about their youngest sister."

You opened your mouth to answer her but before you could say anything Shinobu suddenly put her book on top of her sister's making even Giyuu blink. "Read this one first! It's the prequel so it'll help make the second one make more sense."

"Oh. Ok. I'll be sure to give them a read when I can."

Seemed interesting enough anyways. You'd be nice and give them both a read in-between work and other obligations as you went along. You didn't see why you couldn't indulge in some of your friends' interests too especially when they've been nothing but kind to you after all. Speaking of friends you also ran into another friend of yours while going on an outing with Gyomei. 

Nothing fancy. Just a dinner together and a little walk around a new party of town you hadn't been to but Gyomei had, so you allowed him to lead you around the still snow covered ground and looking at a few new establishments you'd never seen. A mechanic shop, a book store, what looked like an antique store- 

You blinked as Gyomei slowly stopped also stopping you as your arms were linked before he gestured to the antique looking store. "Kyojuro works there as the assistant manager. Should we stop by and say Hello?"

Kyo? You smiled. "Sure. I haven't seen him in like three weeks. It'll be a nice surprise."

Gyomei agreed and lead you across the cold street and towards the small shop. It wasn't anything fancy. Just your average small shop that looked like it sold antiques and donated items like clothes, toys, and other random things. Yep. Just your average hand me down store. Though you did spy a few foreign cook books you were interested in. The one from France made you completely stop and skip from Gyomei's arm to go rummaging through the shelf of books and magazines. Picking up some cheap cookbooks you were very eager to look through.

"Did you folks find anything you like?"

Both of you turned and you lit up at the sight of a brightly smiling flame haired man holding up a decently sized cardboard box in his arms. "Kyo! There you are! Mei said you worked here!"

"INDEED!!" He shouted loudly with a bright smile on his face. "Welcome to Greatwill!! A percentage of every purchase goes to the local woman's shelter! How can I help you today?"

He must've still been acting professional cuz he was still on the clock. No matter. You were still happy to see him so you held up the old pre owned books. "Can I buy these really quick?"

"Of course! Just let me finish putting up this china set and I'll get right to you!," he said holding up the box.

Definitely caught him in the middle of working. Only watching as returned to a shelf to finish unloading the breakable china onto the shelves before making his way over to the counter and smiling brightly at you holding your books. 

"Did you find everything ok?"

You nodded. "Definitely. I can't wait to look through these recipes. Aren't you working a bit late though?"

"I was about to close up the shop actually. You both caught me right when closing."

"Oh. Hey. Do you wanna come have dinner with us?"

Kyojuro and Gyomei blinked at you surprised by your offer. "You're...inviting me to dinner?"

You nodded. "Only if you'd want to though it's been a while since I last saw you and I'd like to spend time with you too. As long as Mei doesn't mind." You turned to him in question.

Gyomei hummed raising a brow as he stared in your direction. "I..do not see why not as long as he is comfortable with it."

"But of course!" The flame haired man beamed at you both in happiness. "I'd love nothing more than to join you both for dinner! But first thing's first. That'll be ten forty five for the books."

The night was pretty casual. You three had a few burgers at some small hole in the hall restaurant just catching up with him asking his his exam went and how his dad was doing at his new job. You were happy to hear Mr. Rengoku was doing a lot better now than you last saw him. And you were happy to see Kyojuro also doing so well seemingly much happier now that he didn't have to worry about his father struggling with a job. Speaking of which you've learnt through the grapevine that the Shinazugawas were doing much better as well. Most of Sanemi's friends had helped to chip in with helping Mrs. Shinazugawa pay off the massive debt her deceased husband left behind. So now Sanemi's siblings wouldn't be forced to take on part time jobs after all which was a relief. That poor woman didn't need to go through that. Before parting on good terms for the evening and heading on home.

You supposed the Uzui's heard of you hanging out with practically everyone else so not to be outdone, Makio sent you a text inviting you to come over next week and see where they put up the painting of you. You agreed and the last Wednesday of that month drove over to the Uzuis' home. Greeted at the door by Makio whom invited you in and found the other two ladies preparing lunch in the kitchen but made sure to greet and talk to you for a little bit before Tengan danced his way down the stairs to greet you.

"Well if it ain't my lovely nude!~," he greeted you brightly upon seeing you there.

"Hey, Tengen. How's your next painting coming along?"

You noticed that he was wearing that paint stained apron and he had his hair tied up in the same messy bun he always wore when you posed for him, so you assumed that meant he must've been painting again.

He lit up giving a wink and finger guns. "Sharp eye. My neighbor commissioned me to paint her this cherry blossom landscape but that's not what you're here for." You blinked when he all of sudden threw an arm around your shoulders and squished you against his side. "How about I show you where I put that portrait at?"

"Sure!"

With a smile he brought you upstairs and over down the hall a bit before he showed you the wall right next to the guest room proudly. On it was the absolutely beautiful painting Tengen had painted you last month. It's a surreal feeling seeing yourself somehow so beautiful and painted. Made you happy seeing Tengen's face so proudly smiling at it.

"I think you picked a nice spot for it," you complimented making him smile. "I'd love to see your other painting when you're finished."

"Will do! You'll love it! Cherry blossoms are one of my favorite things to paint!" He motioned with his hands lighting up like a kid in a candy shop. "After all, they're absolutely beautifully breath taking and the romantic undertones are perfect for that special someone."

"I didn't take you for a romantic, but then again you work at a host club so that checks out."

That actually had him blinking before looking amused and loudly laughing. "Hahaha! I'd like to think I'm quite romantic with all my partners, but I was actually referring to the painting itself as romantic considering the guy whom commissioned me plans to gift it to his crush next month."

You rose a brow a bit confused. "Next month?"

Now Tengen's brow rose. "Did you forget?" He motioned at nothing with his hand when you didn't catch on. "Valentine's Day!"

"Oh." Realization dawned on you. "I must've forgotten with how busy I've been this month." Although you did notice the fliers advertising for the upcoming Sweethearts Dance the university was hosting but soon after forgotten about them. 

"Yeah. Y'know it's tradition to confess under cherry blossoms? Well it's still going to be too cold for them to bloom next month so the guy figured that he'd confess by giving his own cherry blossoms. Courtesy of yours truly of course!~"

"Aw! That's honestly kinda sweet."

"Yeah! I'm treating all three of my wives to an expensive dinner and treating them like the queens they are!~ And of course Kyojuro's not going to escape my flamboyant love either! What about you guys?" He looked interested tilting his head at you. "What are you and the big guy doing for V Day? Wait! Don't tell me. The big lug's taking you to that cute dance right?"

"Oh...um." You looked away suddenly shuffling embarrassed. "I uh-...Never celebrated Valentine's Day romantically."

Slowly magenta eyes blinked at you. "Huh?"

You shrugged. "Well...I do celebrate it just not like everyone else."

"Whaddya mean?"

"I just-..Well Valentine's Day is about celebrating all kinds of love not just romantic. So I just sorta celebrated self love. Every year."

"Uh huh." He hummed looking you up and down. "Haven't you ever been to a dance before?"

"Once. At prom...But it didn't go so well."

"What happened?" 

You frowned deadpanned. "Well my 'date' ghosted me and didn't pick me up, and when I decided to just go myself I found out he just decided to dump me and go with one of the cheerleaders instead. I spent the entire time just drinking punch standing around like an idiot because no one asked me to dance." That and you only got home because Murata was there and like a good friend had offered to drive you back home.

His eyes widened at that. "Wow. That's despicable."

"I know. Before Mei I've had really bad luck with dates."

"I see.." It was then that his eyes lit up with a bright idea that made him. "Well I'm sure you'll have a good dance one of these days."

"I doubt that but thank you, Tengen. I appreciate it."

"But of course.~ Now why don't you join us for lunch? Hinatsuru makes some delicious gyudon."

You hadn't really expected anything to happen after that encounter with the Uzuis. You simply had lunch and then left soon after not giving Tengen a second thought to anything he had said as he saw you off digging a phone from his pocket. Just choosing to focus on work and school through the rest of the month and into the first few days of February. 

When it happened.

You were in the nursery when it happened. You had just changed the diaper of one of the babies and put them down for their nap when your coworker poked her head in with a mixture of shock and 'i just saw a ghost' on her face. 

"Hey, Lacey. Are you ok?" You looked concerned by the thousand yard stars she was giving you. "You look like you saw a ghost."

She just stiffly looked at you before pointing behind her towards the front lobby. "Th-Th-There's-..For you?"

You were further confused furrowing your brows. "For me?..Is there someone in the lobby?"

She stiffly nodded making you him. Who could be in the lobby at this hour? Classes weren't over yet so nobody could've been here to pick up anyone yet. By the look on her face, it could've been Sanemi scaring the living daylights out of her again but that wouldn't make sense if he was still in class. Curiosity got the better of you as you bypassed the frozen, pale woman and left the infant wing towards the lobby. Up the hallway you noticed something up ahead. A much taller figure was already standing there and you recognized him immediately.

"Gyomei?" The man in the apron turned to you with a blink as your footsteps approached from up the hallway. "What's going on?"

"That is what I was just trying to figure out." He turned back forward across the lobby and you did too.

What you saw had you stopping in your tracks. 

"Guys?" 

"HI, Y/N!!," Mitsuri was the first one to answer giving you a full armed wave and smile.

Everyone was there. Hinatsuru, Giyuu, Obanai- 

"What are you all doing here?," Gyomei asked confused as if reading your mind too. His brows rising. Did that mean Lacey told him to come to the lobby too? "Shouldn't you be at work or have classes?" His head tilted as his brows furrowed. "And how come I smell so much floral?"

"Why are you guys holding flowers?"

Each and every one of them held some kind of flowers. A full on bouquet for most even if Sanemi and Obanai looked entirely flustered and red faced about it refusing to make eye contact.

"Kanae donated them from the florist shop but enough of that?" Tengen smiled brightly at you as if proud of his little mischief plan. "We came all the way here to ask you both something!"

Ask you both something? You glanced at Gyomei but he just seemed as lost and confused as you were continuing to just stare ahead in sheer dumbfoundedness at the group of people in front of you both until you looked back up when Tengen got down on one knee.

"Gyomei. Y/n." With the most mischievous grin on his face he dared to hold up the roses to you both. "Will you do us the honor of going to the dance with us?~"

[wanderingblindly]

Hey ho! Challenge time - open your Spotify Daylist, find the 20th song on the list and write a quick drabble based on the 3rd line of lyrics🎵

Send this to 5 friends and feel free to change the song or lyric number 🖋️ have fun!

My daylist provided Jaws by Sleep Token (gorgeous song, saw it live when it was brand new in 2019). The third line inspo is: The whites of your eyes burn from across the room

I'll Know It's You

In the same way that George could recognize the feeling of his hometown by the feel of the wind, he could remember Alex's eyes on his skin. He'd known them for almost as long, he'd felt the warm gaze since they were boys together.

He'd left both behind when he went to Uni.

And yet now, as George tries to listen to his friend -- going on about the bloke in his hall who won't give him the time of day -- he feels it; he feels Alex.

"Say something, mate, c'mon --" Lando whines, flopping forward against his chest as George turns his head to look for him, stunned silent.

Alex is pressed up against the far wall of some stranger's flat -- a beer that George never knew he'd be interested in resting his grasp; his eyes are focused on George. He doesn't flinch when they meet, the whites of his eyes steadfast in that way they always were; they burn him from across the room, hot on his skin just like they always have been, looking through him in ways no one else ever could.

"George?" Lando asks, giving up his theatrics to stand upright, following George's gaze. "Catch someone fit?"

"No, it's, erm. Someone a bit... complicated." George stutters, unable to tear his eyes away.

Complicated in the way that shaking, teenage hands are complicated. Alex is complicated in the way that stumbling through the dark, pissed on repulsively sweet alcopops and struggling to find each other's lips is complicated. His eyes, always somehow so bright in the dark despite their hypnotic depth, made George's skin feel aflame -- that sort of complicated.

Complicated in the way things are when you run away from them. Complicated in the way things are when they prove to be inescapable.

"Go chat him up," Lando laughs, pushing George lightly on the shoulder -- trying to shove him into the crowd of students dancing in a space far too small for it.

"I'm not --"

"Don't be a pussy, mate, go."

"Lando, really, I'm not --"

Alex raises his free hand, just enough to wave, and it's like George is fifteen again -- watching Alex wave at him from across the street, shy and pretending that George hadn't snuck in through his window the night before.

It aches.

George breaks eye contact first, looking back to Lando. "Be back in a sec, yeah?"

"There he goes!" Lando cheers after him, and George pretends not to hear it -- too focused on trying to weave his way through the crowd, pulled forward by Alex's unyielding gaze, eyes never leaving his.

Alex grew first, back then. He sprouted up taller than George, curious fingers longer than his, skin stretched thin when George got to touch him. George was taller when he left, not enough for Alex to look up at him, but enough for it to be different.

They're the same height now, as George clears the crowd and stands before him.

In the same way George could still retrace his route to his primary school without a second thought, in the way he could recreate the paint color of Alex's childhood bedroom, he remembers Alex. He remembers all the parts of him. Up this close, he remembers the way he made him feel, stomach gone tight and awful.

He remembers why he had to get away.

"What're you doing here?" George asks, more defensive than he'd meant.

Alex doesn't flinch, used to George's occasional mistakes, immune to his unwieldy tongue. "In town with friends, couple of their girlfriends live 'round here."

"Why are you here?"

"Thought I'd given you enough time to play at running away, mate."

George's face runs hot, a resurgence of that childish embarrassment he'd left behind, shoved in his childhood closet, hidden under his too-small bed.

"I never --"

"Still playing straight, then?"

"I am --"

"I told my mum, you know."

The room may as well have gone silent, save for George's heart in his ears, his pulse heavy and painful. "You... what?"

Alex just shrugs, the hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips; it's the one George saw after their first kiss, tucked behind the shed in the schoolyard: suppressed giddiness, maybe a hint of fear. "I told her because I... I missed you, George."

In an instant, in the space of a choked gasp, George steps forward -- flinging his arms around Alex, splaying his hands against his shoulder blades and pulling them close like he's clinging to a lifeline.

Alex uses the same shampoo. He breathes it in deeply, blinking back a confused rush of tears. "I missed you, too."

[theredqueenandthebloodwyrm]

Aww that's awesome!! I definitely started a lot of books, but wasn't able to finish reading some of them lol. Gonna list them because I can.

An Absolutely Remarkable Thing - Hank Green ✅

A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor - Hank Green ✅

People Love Dead Jews (Audiobook) - Dara Horn ✅ (sidenote: need to get the word version of this + I read some of the standalone articles that made up this book too)

Jews Don't Count - David Baddiel ✅

Night - Elie Wiesel ✅

All But My Life - Gerda Weissmann Klein ✅

Antisemitism Here And Now - Deborah E. Lipstadt ✅

Denial - Deborah E. Lipstadt ✅

Jewish Space Lasers - Mike Rothschild (I really liked this book, unfortunately I didn't finish it but got pretty far into it)

The Will to Change - bell hooks (started but didn't finish)

A Time To Break Silence - Martin Luther King Jr. (Also didn't finish but I got like significantly far into the book)

Where Do We Go From Here - Martin Luther King Jr. (Also started and didn't finish)

Really glad that I got around to watching Fiddler on the Roof too. (And that visit to my local-ish jewish museum, which I'm like 75% sure I told Eden more above via DMs).

Huh, you know listening out what I read and what I didn't makes me want to go read again. I know the point of the post wasn't to just be about books so with that in mind, other things I'm proud about in 2024:

Going to college

Talking to more people (IRL and on here)

Uh...yeah realizing I don't do very much lol

As for what I'm planning for 2025? Probably just to throw some more fantasy books into my mix, and watch classic films.

Something from 2024 that I’m very proud of is reading 58 books and all but six of them were full length works of fiction or nonfiction. (One was a children’s book I checked out for a creative reference and the other five were recipe or gardening reference books).

[wesavegotham]

Trying to explain to your parents that no "most other people to do not have their brains constantly go into overdrive trying to figure out when you should smile, not smile, laugh, not laugh, hold eye contact" is not normal, other people can do this just naturally apparently is fun (as in: no it's not).

Other people also do not own a whole big bookshelf full of books about trains (my dad. I once tried to talk to them about autism, the research I did into the topic and when I mentioned that a lot of tests are very outdated, do not really work for girls or adult women because it shows up differently in them and then mentioned that the tests still include questions like "is the person obsessed with trains" because one little boy a scientist did research one ages ago had trains as his special interest so he figured all people on the spectrum must like trains and made it a criteria to determine if someone had autism...and sure that's not a good criteria, but we all looked to that bookshelf.)

Or at least two bookshelves full of books about the history of fashion (my mom). And at least another big one just about art history.

Nobody needs that many books about these topics. It's not even relevant to their jobs. My university library does not have these many books on any specific topic.

Also I still remember how at my brother's wedding we were all shocked to hear that his friends thought my brother was introverted and we always thought he was clearly an extrovert at least compared to us.

I'm not a psychiatrist either, but there is clearly something very odd about us and it's probably undiagnosed autism at least for some of us.

[icewindandboringhorror]

sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

[torchickentacos]

I'm reading poetry at 1 am and spiraling over like 45 emotions at once, which is how poetry was meant to be enjoyed, I think

[snippybaby]

I read this the other day and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, but not in a good way tbh. I thought about writing a proper essay about this but I can't be bothered, so this is just going to be me getting down the problems I have with this article.

Firstly, this part: "Reznor has an Oscar and a wife and a paycheck from Apple. Like countless musicians - Harry Styles; the Beatles - he has shed the stigma of being some sweaty, shameful girl secret, and become an artiste. A legitimate musician; a part of the pantheon. By which I mean, mostly, men like him." Let's go through this step by step.

To list "a wife" along with an Oscar and a paycheck from Apple as evidence of how Reznor has assimilated into the mainstream and gained prestige is misogynistic. Straight up. She has a name - Mariqueen Maandig - and is a musician in her own right. I wonder if Doyle sees the irony in starting an article which talks about We're In This Together Now as the last great love song written by a man by dismissing the woman Trent Reznor is in love with as merely a trophy or achievement, proof he's sold out. I think any of us who have been in band/music fandoms (and beyond, but that's what I know) are familiar with this kind of misogyny from women who are fans, where the partners of musicians are treated dismissively, or outright hostilely.

Then we get to the "sweaty, shameful girl secret" thing. This places Nine Inch Nails as part of a narrative I see all the time relating to fandom, which is sometimes true: that young women make something popular, it's sneered at, then men see the worth in it and suddenly it becomes 'art'. But that's not how it was with Nine Inch Nails at all. Yes, girls and women liked NIN, but boys and men definitely did too. The author even refers to this when she later talks about "all that raw male power that was supposed to scare or exclude us". Not that I think this is accurate: here's where this becomes my thoughts rather than a well-sourced essay, but I remember reading an interview with Reznor where he explicitly rejected the idea that NIN was part of a return to cock rock. But anyway, my point here is that NIN were never a band dismissed because they had a largely female fanbase. Reading old reviews and articles from the 90s, you do sometimes see writers pointing out in a slightly sneering way that under the industrial production, NIN songs generally have a kind of pop sensibility - they're catchy, they have hooks - which is not something Reznor was ever trying to hide. There's a gate-keeping aspect to that critique which is a kind of music bro thing, but it doesn't extend to NIN having been rejected by men because girls liked them. It's a real act of revisionism to put NIN alongside The Beatles in that way.

Now I'm going to take a look at that 'girls like it and it's scorned; men like it and it's art' narrative. As I've said, I see this all the time. I'm not denying that it has been true a lot of the time. But from my perspective, it's become calcified into this essentialist thing which also plays into sexist stereotypes that women just get stuff, that women can tap into deeper emotions than men. You see it in this article where the author says "But men don't get Nine Inch Nails. Trent Reznor might not even get Nine Inch Nails, really." Now yes, it might be true that NIN songs can be interpreted in a way that taps into a particularly female experience, one that wasn't the intention behind the song. I've had that experience with my own writing, that someone has seen something in it I never knew was there, and has seen their own life in it in a way I can't relate to. It's a very humbling thing. But to say "men don't get Nine Inch Nails" and that Trent Reznor himself doesn't suggests that it's only women who can tap into the true secret meaning of abjection in the lyrics. There are a couple of layers of misogyny here: firstly, the idea that only women "get it" makes me think of that Ursula K Le Guin quote about "making a cult of women’s knowledge, preening ourselves on knowing things men don’t know, women’s deep irrational wisdom, women’s instinctive knowledge of Nature, and so on." Secondly, while obviously subjugation and oppression is part of "the feminine condition", suggesting that only women can understand that sort of experience is misogynistic - that it's an inherent part of that secret knowledge of women - and also ignores any other axis of oppression which men might also experience such conditions.

Then we get to: "It would likely horrify Reznor to realize I see him this way", the way in question being as a bit of a softy. Somehow, I don't think the guy who said in an interview that a Dua Lipa song made him tear up because his daughter likes it is worried about being seen as a softy. That particular interview happened after this article was written, but Trent Reznor has never been particularly concerned about being known as a tough, masculine man. That's evident from interviews he's done, the way he presented himself (lipstick and fishnets) and, you know, the songs. But to Doyle it's self-evident that "You don't make fifteen different videos styled to look like snuff films if you want to be known as a softy". Emotional vulnerability and artistic exploration of violence are apparently incompatible. Or are they only incompatible when a man does it? Because in the impassioned conclusion to the article, Doyle says "Screw Bob Flanagan. Screw the fake snuff films. Love is the machine that rips your dick off and feeds your organs to the meat grinder." I think you can only write this sentence if you're ignorant of Bob Flanagan's work beyond the most superficial aspect of like, "he's the guy who hammered nails through his dick". Flanagan's work is all about the intertwining of love, violence, and pain, and how his own sexuality and his masochism were related to his disability. I could talk about Bob Flanagan all day (and there's a lot to say about his relationship to gender in his art), but for now I'll just say that I think this shows where this whole men don't and can't ever get it thing leads: the assumption that a man making art about sexual or sexualised violence - like the video for Happiness in Slavery - could only be doing it to show off; that they can't see the extremely obvious metaphors at play, and that they couldn't possibly be making something about their own life and emotions and experiences. Or if they are, that's not the true meaning, the real meaning, the special woman meaning. Men don't get it.

Feels like I should have some grand conclusion here, but nah, I think that's it. Hopefully I can stop thinking about this now I've got all that off my chest.

I’m slightly obsessed with this article on ”The Erotics of Trent Reznor” by Jude Ellison S. Doyle