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talkfantasytome · 4 years ago

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'Twas Never Meant to Be - An Opinion

I have a lot of thoughts about this, and really need to get them out. So, let's talk about Elain and Azriel.

First off, I want to warn you, this post is a beast. Like, over 7.5k words beast. It just kept going. I'm sorry, but I didn't know what to take out and, honestly, I didn't want to spend a lot of time heavily editing it. Tread knowingly. I will not be offended if anyone chooses not to read it, or not to read it all.

Secondly, I want to say that this post is not meant to be a pro-Gwynriel or pro-Elucian post. Regardless of my personal ships, I want to explain why I, personally, do not believe Elain and Azriel would be right for each other. And these reasonings go far beyond "because I'd prefer them with someone else". In fact, these beliefs and feelings are first and foremost in my mind when considering all three of these ships, and any feelings I may or may not have on other ships are always second to my belief that they would not be right together. I will do my best to keep Gwyn and Lucien out of the comparison, unless using them as a way to point to something that would be wrong between Elain and Azriel - versus stating any reason why the other would be right.

The first two reasons I will share are ones I have been holding on to for quite a while, and have only become stronger with more content (Silver Flames). I have, personally, not seen much around these two thoughts, but recognize that they may be out there already, as there is no new thought under the sun. So, here goes:

Step Away From the Characters

Honestly, my first reason really has nothing to do with the characters themselves at all, but it's something I can't get out of my head. It's a personal thing, I know, as everyone might see it differently, but I can't help but feel like the three brothers ending up with the three sisters would be too perfect, too convenient.

I know that it's a shit argument when talking about an SJM book, and the more I read about the series, and the more books that come out within it, the more I recognize this. It makes me sad. But personally, I can't get behind this storyline, this ending that is so perfect it makes my skin crawl. It's not how life works, and it doesn't really make sense. If it were three adoptive sisters, as the bat boys are, it would actually make more sense, because it would stand to reason that you would have a two groups that mirror each other. That one girl who mirrored Rhys, let's say, then befriended to the point of sisterhood ones that mirrored the boys that Rhys befriended to the point of brotherhood. But Nesta, Elain, and Feyre are sisters by blood, not by choice, and so it isn't an automatic that they would be that reflection to the boys. And even though the boys lived together, and weren't fully brought together by choice as much as Mrs. Rhys's mother, they still chose to stay together and be brothers.

We have never, not fully, seen the Archerons make those same choices. These boys live together (or used to), work together, truly share their lives. The Archerons don't. The girls were disconnected before becoming Fae, and they are still disconnected after it. You see it more clearly with Nesta, of course, trying to stay away from the group, stay separate. But you see it with Feyre and Elain too. You see how Elain practically gives up on Nesta, and how Feyre discredits and dismisses Elain as anything more than just a kind soul who likes to garden. You can't, for two seconds, convince me that the Archerons have as similar or as bonded relationships to each other as the bat boys, and that alone tells us that we should not expect them to mirror the boys.

I would also like to note, looking back at the characters for a second, that it has been observed by others how Feyre and Nesta do seem to have similar energies a lot. On top of that, you could argue that Nesta mirrors all three bat boys in one way or another. It's one theory as to why she and Rhys struggle so much with each other, because they're too similar. And, you can't convince me that Az and Nesta don't share a bond because of their own similarities. Nesta's fire was cold as ice. Rhys once observed Azriels rage as an 'icy rage'. I don't think I need to mention how Nesta mirrors Cassian, but it's there too. So, the fact that she would be the sister who ended up with a mate from the Night Court, one of these three brothers, just made a lot of sense. But Elain, who is so different from her sisters, she doesn't have that same energy. It's not a bad thing, but it helps make sense why she would be the one with a mate from outside this Court.

Beyond this, however, I still struggle with the three and three come together concept. And that's coming from someone who actually has, within her family, a story of two brothers marrying two sisters - my great grandparents (or great great, I can never remember). So, I know stuff like this does happen, though admittedly my only experience is with two and two, and naturally I do believe that the likelihood of the full group being with the full other group goes down with each additional number. Regardless of that, though, it is an author's job to tell a story that we can connect to, and having such convenient and perfect endings makes it difficult to do just that. Because life isn't like that.

So I struggle with the concept of this. Like I said, the more I get to know these books, this series, the more I understand that this is not a great argument for why Elain and Azriel aren't endgame considering how other things have played out, but I still think it's a good argument for why they shouldn't be. However, I would also say that the argument that they will end up together because it's three brothers and three sisters is completely off base and illogical, for reasons I've mentioned above. What is the purpose of that? How does that drive the plot and the story and world? How does it connect us to them better? It doesn't. All it does is be just a convenient little bow that has no true purpose, unless there is true purpose as to why each sister ended up with each brother. And I don't really see a purpose as to why Elain would end up with Az except that they're both the last sibling, and that they currently like each other. But that doesn't mean they're right for each other, and I don't see how them being together will spur the story and the world forward the way Feyre and Rhys did, and the way Nesta and Cassian can and/or will.

As someone who dabbles in writing, I have thought about these types of things, and I'm always adjusting plans and thoughts when I realize I've gone into that too perfect la la land, and I'd like to believe that all writers do that. SJM has had some convenient endings, but I will say I've not yet felt like any ending was just too perfect. The closest was, of course, ACOWAR. But even then, you still had threads, misunderstandings, questions, and things you weren't happy about. Yes, the ending felt a bit perfect, but we still lost the Bone Carver, Mr. Archeron, the Suriel, etc. There were still things that made it less than completely perfect. And much of what was done in the ending did move this story forward, and provide the opening for what we are now getting. And, in the same vein, I like to think that SJM would recognize how this would be too much. But, I don't hold out a lot of hope on this reasoning alone, it's really just something I had to get off my chest.

Share Life With Me

This next point is huge for me, in my mind. Again, it is based off of my own personal opinions of some characters, as well, so I do understand that some people may not agree with this argument. That's fine, but you will not sway me.

It all comes down to one thing. What does Az want?

In the Az POV chapter we are finally told, out right, that he does want Elain. But, my question - does he really?

I have been thinking about this since long before Silver Flames, since we all knew Az had a crush, but it wasn't as cemented until Silver Flames came out, and we saw how Nesta and Cassian would develop as a couple. Because, and here's the kicker, I don't believe Az actually wants Elain.

Yes, you read that right. I know he thinks he wants Elain. I know he believes she's kind and beautiful. And I recognize that there was a sexual tension there - I'm not blind. But I don't believe that Elain is the end goal Azriel is actually looking for.

I believe that she is a representation of that end goal.

This mostly comes down to his conversation with Rhys, his belief about the Cauldron:

"The Cauldron chose three sisters. Tell me how it's possible that my two brothers are with two of those sisters, yet the third was given to another." He had never before dared speak the words aloud.

Okay, first - Az, please see point above. Also, I can't help but feel like SJM put that in here almost to show that this isn't actually a valid argument.

Second, let's dissect that argument for a moment. Now, perhaps Az is just trying to find what he considers a more 'objective' reason for why Elain should be his, why they should be together. However, if that were the case, then why would he have never dared speak those words aloud? Most likely because he knows it's not a solid argument, and logical Az knows this. But this is 2 AM, you just stopped me from kissing the girl I fancy Az, and he definitely is not being his most logical self.

It's also not a logical or good argument because of one simple word. Given. "…the third was given to another." Az, you're better than this. I truly want to believe you're better than this. I understand that the mating bond is weird, and inherently at least slightly sexist, but that doesn't give any male the right to really look at it that way. Especially when you consider the explanation that the mating bond will be present between two perfect equals. This is seen in ACOMAF when Feyre can't believe Rhys would be her mate, because that's what it would mean, that she's his equal. This also paints Elain as an object, which, no matter what anyone's feelings are toward the character, is not okay. She is a person. A fictional one, but still a person, she cannot be given unless she chooses to give herself. The Cauldron simply dictated who it believes is best for her, and vice versa. I'm not saying the Cauldron was right, or that she and Lucien would be good together, but that's what the mating bond is. To argue that the Cauldron was wrong because two brothers got two of the sisters, but the third was given to another is inherently wrong, because Elain cannot be given away.

It also shows that maybe Az really isn't truly seeing Elain for who she is, if he is thinking of it this way. I do believe that Az is a feminist, or, at least, more of a feminist than most of the males in Prythian (which, sadly, doesn't seem to be saying much). So I don't believe this is a comment based on a sexism in Az we haven't seen yet, I truly don't. I believe that it is a comment made by someone whose judgement is clouded, and who is, as I stated earlier, using Elain as a representation of what he's really looking for. He seems to idolize her, put her on a pedestal, believe that she is all light, all good. (Az, please see my previous post on that little nugget.) He objectifies her not because he truly believes she is an object, but because she has become a symbol in his mind - she is not the person Elain to him. She is the one he should have, the one who will bring him what he wants. Note I didn't say the one he wants. Whenever a person puts another on a pedestal the way Az has with Elain, whenever someone idolizes them, or believes that said person will fix all of their woes, they are subconsciously objectifying them. That being is no longer seen as a true person, with all the flaws and struggles and ugly parts. They are something else. And those types of feelings about another person never end in a good relationship, because at least one side is always expecting too much from the other, and they rarely learn to cope with what they didn't expect. And, for the record, you should never really be 'coping' with your partners flaws, but that's a conversation for another day.

Beyond being not a truly logical argument, and showing us how Azriel has actually objectified Elain in his mind, I also believe this statement gives us insight into what Az actually wants. He could have said a number of things to express a belief (or desire) that the Cauldron was wrong. He could have talked about his feelings for Elain. About how he thinks their personalities are too compatible for them to not be rightfully mates. Pretty much, he could have said something about Elain, and how they are right together because of who they are.

But he didn't.

Instead, Az brought up his two brothers and their mates. How they each got one, so surely the third should be his. And why did he do this? Again, maybe 2 AM Az who had lost his logic just thought this was an objective reason. But I think there's more to it than that. I think he brought up those other relationships as a way to point toward what it is he really wants. Because that's what's on his mind. It's not that Elain is perfect for him, that she is everything he could have ever hoped for in a female. It's that she is the sister of his brother's two mates, and he wants what his brothers have. So, clearly, that must mean that it's Elain who can give him that.

Again, Az, please read my first point. Because that's not a guarantee just because they're related.

Now, I imagine most people are saying, "Well, duh. We all know he wants what they have. He said so earlier on in the chapter." And he did:

Azriel couldn't stop it. The envy in his chest. Of Cassian, and Rhys.

So, it's not new. But, this argument he provided highlights that so specifically. He wants what his brothers have. Not a mate, per se. No. What they have.

But, wait, a mate is what they have. What are you saying?

Yes, a mate is what each of them have. But, as we know, not all mates are perfect for each other. Rhys and Feyre, and Cassian and Nesta are both examples of how right the mating bond can be. But, let's instead look at what they both have, in points, instead of just saying they have a mate. Here are, from my interpretation, the main common aspects of these two relationships:

Love. Sure, Nesta and Cassian hadn't said it yet. But, yes, they love each other, they're just both stubborn and scared and maybe not ready to say it.

Heavy sexual attraction and chemistry. This may not always be the most important piece of a relationship, but it's blatant in both of theirs, and it's clear that Az wants that as well. Which is fair.

Friendship. It's hard to see it at times, because these books are so much about the romance, but I do believe that both couples are truly friends who like to spend time together. Who can have fun together. We don't get to see this enough - and I do wish we saw more of it - but it is there. It's there when Cassian throws his head back laughing at something Nesta said. Or when Rhys is thrilled when sassy Feyre appears. And yes, it is in part the mating bond, making them want to be near each other, but they still enjoy that time together. Mates who aren't right for each other wouldn't.

True partners. In these two relationships, they are more than just each other's mate, lover, friend. They are and/or are becoming partners. In their relationships, Rhys and Cass have found a female who they can share their lives with. Completely and fully. In Feyre, Rhys has found a High Lady, a female who is his true equal, who can rule the Court with him. They work together, plan together. And Rhys can come home at night and tell her everything about his day. In Nesta, Cass has found someone who, I believe, will grow to command with him. Likely female units, but she is still mirroring Cass in that way. She may not become his true equal in terms of being Commander of the Night Court, but she would still be his partner. He will still be able to strategize with her, the two working together to determine where each unit will go. He will command the Illyrians, and by his side she will command the Valkyries. And he can come home, at the end of the day, and tell her everything about his day.

It's this last piece that I want to really dig into, because that is what separates Rhys and Cassian's relationships from others we have seen, in my opinion, and thus that is what Az wants. It's not just a mate, he wants what his brothers have, a true partner who he can fully share his life with. Because that is what makes their relationships so special.

And, in the end, I do not believe Elain can be that for him.

I am not trying to discredit Elain, or say that she is simple, or that she can't do anything but garden and be a housewife. No. That is not my point. I do think, however, that what it would entail to be a true partner to Az is something she does not want to do. And that is okay! It is okay for her to want to garden and bake. It's okay to not wish to be involved in all of the plotting and planning and little missions and quests that the Inner Circle does. It's okay to not want to train. To be happy as you are.

But she can't do both. She can't be a true partner to Azriel and remain as she is. Now, perhaps she does want more, and I have misread her. It's possible, I am not infallible. However, she hasn't ever truly shown us anything that tells me otherwise. And, no, I don't believe her offering to find the Dread Trove in Silver Flames counts as I don't believe she offered to do so out of the goodness of her heart or because she wanted to do it. I believe she wanted to prove Nesta wrong. (Again, you can see this in my previous post.) So, to be a true partner to Azriel, she may have to change everything that she is. And that's not fair to her.

And, even if I am way off on a lot of this. Even if she does want to do more for the Night Court. There is one thing that we have learned about Elain:

She does not wish to fight, she does not wish to train.

I'm sorry, you can't convince me otherwise. Not when she has had ample opportunity to do so in the year, year and a half since Hybern, and still hasn't. It was different with Nesta, who was dealing with a lot of other things, but Elain has been, for the most part, fairly healthy. Her not training is her choice because of who she is.

Again, this is okay! I am not insulting Elain for this, not at all. I get it. I don't particularly love working out - the main exercise I get is from rock climbing twice a week, that's it. So I get it. However, you cannot work with Azriel and not be trained, not know how to fight. Even if Elain could be silent, or infiltrate courts easily, and learn secrets, you need those skills, even if it's just a fallback to ensure you can escape should something go wrong. But it also helps to understand these types of things, to understand battle and politics and everything else. It's not about whether she can do this, it's about whether she wants to do this, and I'm not sure she does. So she would either have to change who she is, and be unhappy to become Az's partner, or she wouldn't be able to be that. And, admittedly, if she were unhappy, he still wouldn't have what his brothers have.

However, on top of that, I also don't know if Azriel would let Elain be his true partner. Think about when they're at dinner, talking about how Nesta needs to scry, and how they'll have to rely on Elain if she doesn't - what Azriel says.

“There is an innate darkness to the Dread Trove that Elain should not be exposed to.”

Sidebar - I've not seen anyone talk about how Cassian was absolutely in the right for defending Nesta. So I did. You can see my soap box here.

Now, back to the point. This is one example of how Az is constantly trying to protect Elain from, well, kinda everything. So, even if Elain did want to do all of those things, would Az even be okay with it? He obviously can't stop her from training or anything like that - and if he tries should she ever want to, he's dead to me. But, would he really share his life with her? Tell her about those 'unspeakable things that sullied his hands far beyond their scars'? I don't believe he would. I don't believe he could truly handle her working with him because, again, he has put her on this pedestal of beauty and grace and goodness (that she may not have). And the things he does are not good, at least not by his standards. He wouldn't be able to truly include her until he started to look at her as her own person again, which I also don't see happening. And, even then, he still wouldn't want to share with her all he'd done, believing her likely to judge those things, to be too pure to even hear about them. Regardless of whether that is true or not about Elain, it would hinder him from being able to have a true partner in her. When Azriel comes home at night, he would not tell her everything about his day.

Love Yourself, Az

This, I know for a fact, is not a new revelation. I have seen a lot about this, and have seen some posts that even helped me along with this as well, but I can't not address Az's shadows. I would link to the first post I saw about this but, admittedly, I can't find it. So, just know, I'm not the only one thinking this, and I recognize that some of this may come off as similar to others, but I couldn't not talk about this because it just feels so important.

Elain sucked in a soft breath that whispered over his skin. His shadows skittered back at the sound. They'd always been prone to vanish when she was around.

It wasn't until the Azriel POV chapter that I fully understood what lay behind the fact that Az's shadows would retreat around Elain, when we get a direct comparison to how they react to Gwyn's breath:

"How was the party?" Her breath curled in front of her mouth, and one of his shadows darted out to dance with it before twirling back to him. Like it heard some silent music.

Before this, I didn't realize how bad a sign it is, for his shadows to retreat. I just thought they did that when he was around someone he was attracted to, almost as a sense that the other person lightened him up. But, with this comparison, and in general what we see from Az when around Elain, I see just how wrong I was. His shadows hiding isn't a sign of him lightening up - no, it's a sign of him retreating more into himself, trying to be something that he isn't around that person, in the hopes that they'll accept him if he is.

In the end, it's toxic.

He can't be who he truly is around Elain. That's not something that will lead to a healthy, happy relationship. He may have the girl he thinks he wants, but he won't have the relationship we all know he is desperate for. Whereas, around Gwyn, we see his shadows reach out to another person, jump out, dance with her breath, sing to her. He is able to fully embrace who he is around her. He will be able to be himself with her, love himself with her. And whether or not Gwyn is the right person to him, what this tells us is that Elain can't be that person. That she, like Mor, would be toxic to Az.

On top of that, I can't not point out the word usage here.

While I did observe this on my own, I am not the first to point it out - pagesofmoonlight talks about this in detail, about the usage of the term 'skittered' in regards to how the shadows retreat from Elain. It's not just a general hiding, or even a 'lightening' of Az, as I once thought. It's a gut reaction to her, her breath. They run from her. When I read that word, I literally picture a wave of something, and the shadows seeing it and running from it in fear.

Similarly, in comparison, with Gwyn's breath, the shadows 'darted' out to it. That, also, is not just a general they reached out to it for warmth or contact. Now, they darted - that is a very quick move, often done with a need or desire to get to where you're going as quickly as possible. The shadows needed or wanted to be with that breath, so they darted to it.

Like I said, this post isn't meant to be promoting one ship over Elain and Azriel. But what Gwyn provides here is a comparison, is a sign of what could and should be, whether with her or another person. Even if she isn't endgame, she shows us this problem between Elain and Azriel.

Home is Where You Shine

This entire post, which has become MASSIVE, has been very focused on Azriel, and why Elain is not right for him. But I want to touch on a reason why Az isn't right for Elain.

Azriel is a part of the Night Court. It is his home. It is where he belongs. He fits here, it is right for him. He can and does fine here. I don't think anyone can deny this. But Elain - she does not.

First, let's look at when Nesta is in the Spring Court.

Nesta’s throat constricted, and she surveyed the swaying cherry blossoms overhead. Elain would love this place. So many flowers, all in bloom, so much green—the light, vibrant green of new grass—so many birds singing and such warm, buttery sunshine. Nesta felt like a storm cloud standing amid it all. But Elain … The Spring Court had been made for someone like her.

I'm not saying Elain will end up in the Spring Court, but I do believe it is telling that Nesta would think about another court this way. We've not, to my recollection, really ever seen another character think about how well someone would fit in a different court. Feyre did, if I remember correctly, mention enjoying other courts at times, thinking they were beautiful, but never did she think about how right someone within her court would be in a different court. Because no one else in the Inner Circle would fit so well in another court. For whatever reason it is, everyone else is perfectly suited for the Night Court, and they can handle it.

It takes a lot to be a part of the Night Court. The masks they all wear, the reputation they have, the responsibilities that fall on their shoulders. It's not an insult or an attack on any character to say that they may not fit there, that they may be more in tune with the beauty of Spring, the warmth of Summer, the light of Day. And Elain, who is gentle and kind and not one to pretend to be what she isn't - likely because she's never felt the need to - I can understand how it would be hard.

Secondly, and I know it's a point of contention, and a well-discussed piece of Silver Flames, but I do want to talk about the Solstice Ball, and Cassian's observations.

Elain in black was ridiculous. Yes, she was beautiful, but the color of her long-sleeved, modest gown leeched the brightness from her face. It wore her, rather than the other way around. And he knew the cruelty of the Hewn City troubled her. But she hadn’t hesitated to come. When Feyre had offered to let her remain home, Elain had squared her shoulders and declared that she was a part of this court—and would do whatever was needed. So Elain had let her golden-brown hair down tonight, and pinned it back with twin combs of pearl. He’d never once in the two years he’d known her found Elain to be plain, but wearing black, no matter how much she claimed to be part of this court … It sucked the life from her.

I will try not to go too far into the information about Elain in the black dress, as it's been discussed a lot from both sides, though I do think it is telling, because Cassian isn't just saying it's the one dress. It's very specific about how Elainin black was ridiculous, not that dress. It may seem shallow, but in the end, black is a crucial color in the Night Court, and that type of symbolism is often used to depict things just like this. It would not be the first time, and it certainly won't be the last that a writer uses color this way. However, I have seen a number of posts about this, on both sides, and I do understand both arguments, even if I disagree with one because I don't think it's meant to just be a skewed POV.

I would like to note, however, that the main argument I've seen is that there was once another time Elain was described in a dress that did little to complement her, but it's a very different description. That other time, it's mentioned specifically that the dress and color/shade of the dress did little to complement her 'sallow skin'. First of all, this is specifically discussing how the color didn't work with her skin, not how the color 'drained the life out of her'. Secondly, I would say it is very important to note that 'sallow' means "of a sickly, yellowish or lightish brown color". It is not discussing her skin as it typically is, but how it is when she was in the midst of her own depression after becoming High Fae. It's not that the dress didn't complement her, it's just that it didn't help make her skin look better than the sickly state it was currently in. Whereas, in this reflection, Elain is healthy, and still the black is draining her. Not the dress, not the shade - black. Point blank.

It's also important to recognize that this isn't meant to insult Elain, I believe it is a symbol of how she doesn't shine in the Night Court, how this court could potentially 'suck the life out of her'. Yes, it's just a dress. Yes, there's a chance they wanted her to look plain, but I don't believe that.

They were always going to have Nesta dance with Eris, and they all knew that, despite Elain's beauty, and no matter how lovely she looked, Eris would gravitate to Nesta. He'd already shown interest in her, he'd already become intrigued. He looked at Elain first, I believe, to get a look at his brother's mate. Because he wasn't looking at Elain with interest. No, it was an 'assessing gaze'. There was no reason to make Elain look plain. In fact, there was every reason to make sure she looked just as beautiful as Nesta. Think about what Cassian said just before this:

Both sisters wore black. Both walked behind Rhys and Feyre, a silent indicator that they were a part of the royal family. Had mighty powers of their own. They’d planned it that way, wanting Eris to see for himself how valuable Nesta was.

Why would they want her to look plain, considering this? They wanted Nesta and Elain to walk in the procession behind Feyre and Rhys, as a sign, a symbol. Yes, they wanted Eris to see and understand how valuable Nesta was, as it is said, but they didn't want Elain to look any less valuable. First, doing so would have made Nesta look less valuable by comparison. But, on top of that, I highly doubt they had any fears that Eris would prefer Elain - if they believed Eris about Lucien, then I think they'd believe that Eris wouldn't wish to take away his brother's mate. In fact, I imagine Eris would more likely help Lucien with Elain - but, that just be my Eris stan status coming out.

What is clear is that it was purposeful that they put both Nesta and Elain in black, as a symbol that they are a part of this family. My guess is that they found a dress for Elain that did her the most justice, and that she was comfortable wearing but, in the end, black just doesn't work on her. And is that fact not telling when that is the color of the family?

While this was in draft mode, I also found this post from yazthebookish, who goes deeper into this, and how it wasn't just Cassian who observed how ridiculous Nesta looked in black. So, for those who want to talk about how it is a skewed perspective, there were actually three that made this observation, and I absolutely agree that SJM wouldn't shove this in there solely to say that they purposefully tried to make sure Nesta outshone Elain. As they pointed out, Nesta is gorgeous in her own right. Cassian met her and Elain together, and he was instantly drawn to Nesta. As I mentioned earlier, Eris has been intrigued by her since long before this - see the High Lords meeting in ACOWAR. Helion would gladly get into her leathers, and while I'm aware that's not saying much, his focus on her is slightly higher than you see it on others he would also slide into bed with. She doesn't need Elain to dull herself down to shine.

I also think the one observation about how the black 'wore her' matters. It makes me wonder more about this court, both the general Night Court, and the people in the Inner Circle. Is the court wearing her? Is it sucking the life out of her? Is this why we don't see as much spine from Elain? We got some in this book, but it was all in an attempt to prove she belongs to this court. Something she feels the need to do, as we see in Cassian's reflection:

When Feyre had offered to let her remain home, Elain had squared her shoulders and declared that she was a part of this court—and would do whatever was needed.

…but wearing black, no matter how much she claimed to be part of this court … It sucked the life from her.

First of all, just quickly, I want to mention the ellipses before it says 'it sucked the life from her', and what came right before that. Is Cassian talking about the black? Or is he talking about being a part of this court? I don't have the answer, just food for thought.

I can't help but notice that Elain seems to feel the need to constantly prove, declare, and claim that she is part of this court. She has to push her way through, and while I know it's in part because so many people try to protect her, I think it's more than that. I believe Elain wants to be a part of the Night Court, but in the end it's not suited to her, and so she has to force her way in, when even Nesta, who everyone has been so displeased with, manages to fall in much easier. It's not because they don't like Elain, that's obvious. I believe it's because, in the end, they all see it.

It reminds me a lot of Tywin Lannister's quote from GoT (TV series, I won't read the books until George RR Martin finishes them):

Any man who must say, "I am the King", is no true king.

Could you not adjust this to: "Any person who must say, 'I am part of this court', is not truly part of this court."

I don't think Nesta has once said that. Feyre, maybe, but not in the same way as much as in letting certain people outside the court know. But, to have to say that within the court - it signifies that either you, yourself, don't believe yourself part of the court, or that maybe you aren't truly. Or that you are, but you recognize that maybe it's not the right fit, even if you really want it to be.

In the end, while I don't think Elain can't fit or find a nice life in the Night Court, the final point is that she doesn't shine in the Night Court. And that's not the same as saying she fully doesn't belong. But, shouldn't home be a place where you shine? Where you can be everything you are, and it is absolutely right? Isn't that what Nesta found in Silver Flames, in the House, with Cassian, and Gwyn, and Emerie,…and the House? She didn't have to be anything other than who she was, with any of them, and she still found a place that not only provided her comfort, but where she could truly shine. And she's found it in the Night Court, as well.

Elain hasn't. And maybe that's just because we haven't seen her story play out yet. I'm not so stuck up to believe there's no way I could be wrong. In fact, what bugs me the most about a lot of posts around these different beliefs is the use of 'when' instead of 'if', because no one wants to admit that, at this point in time, no matter what side you're on, it very much is an 'if'. None of us know what SJM has planned. All we can do is use the information we've been given to make as educated a guess as possible. This is mine, and SJM may prove me completely wrong, and that's okay. She may end up giving Elain a more similar arc to Nesta, and show how she develops and grows into someone who flourishes in the Night Court with Az by her side, and should she do that, I hope it's in a way I can understand and not something poorly developed and difficult to grasp.

A Mate is A Mate is A Mate

I won't talk too much about how she and Azriel aren't mates and how that automatically means they couldn't work. It could, in concept. I won't address the theories about her ending up with multiple mates. I do not agree with these theories, as they conflict with the canon we have. Until SJM puts out canon information that can explain a contradiction to what we've been given, any theory that truly contradicts the canon provided I will not consider, whether I like it or not. Multiple mates is not a thing. Being able to sever the mating bond so that someone can have a new mate is not a thing. I do recognize that females can reject the mating bond, and I am not saying whether or not I think Elain should or shouldn't do this with Lucien. Nor am I saying that having a story where someone does reject the mating bond to see how that plays out wouldn't be great.

I will point out, however, that it is often discussed as a thing females do. Females reject the mating bond. Males who have a female that rejected the mating bond grow incredibly uncomfortable, and they truly struggle.

...there will always be a ... tug. For the females, it is usually easier to ignore, but the males ... It can drive them mad.

I'm not going to include all the stuff about males thinking their mate belongs to them. Grow up, Prythian. Get with the program. But, considering this, considering the other pieces we get, I do not know if a male can be with another person, truly, in a loving relationship if he has a mate. Maybe one day, years and years and years after the rejection. Or maybe, if his mate doesn't fit his preferences - if that is a thing (and honestly, we don't yet know the status of same-sex mates, but if they are a thing - please let them be - then I have a harder time believing that those who have specific preferences would end up in a mating pair with the wrong gender).

I am not saying this to say that Elain and Lucien should be together. I am saying this because, considering all these things, right now, canon information essentially tells us that, should Az find his mate, he will go to her, need to be around her. Think about Cassian when Feyre asked why he bothers with Nesta:

Because I can't stay away.

Think about how Lucien couldn't help but try to find Elain, despite direct orders of being told not to. Or about how the second Rhys heard Feyre say 'no' in her mind to Tamlin, he was there to take her away. They just can't help it. The mating bond has a stronger pull on males.

And, maybe Az would be able to deny the bond. To reject it himself, who knows. But, based on everything we've been told, that would be incredibly difficult. And, considering how much he wants what his brothers have, would he want to?

Obviously, there is reason to believe Az does have a mate, and we've met her. And I know some people disagree with this. I would be interested to hear any theories about why he and Gwyn aren't mates, so long as they don't involve Elain. It's not that I have anything against her, it's just that those arguments don't actually point to Gwyn and Az not being mates, just that the person believes Elain and Az belong together regardless, which is not an argument for why they're not mates. But if there are any reasons or signs found in the books and canon information that distinctly point against Gwyn and Az being mates, then I'm open to hearing those points. And, as I mentioned, I do not entertain any canon-conflicting theories, such as the multiple mates one.

As it stands, though, I do think we have been directed toward the idea that Gwyn and Az are mates, and can believe that the mating bond will snap into place. Once it does, I have a hard time believing Az will actually be able to stay away. And that, even if Gwyn ends up rejecting that bond, I don't know that he'll be able to be with Elain after it, knowing Elain isn't his first choice.

Final Thoughts

Like I said earlier, I'm not against Elain rejecting the mating bond, or anyone doing so. I will say this, though - how much more powerful would it be to have someone reject the mating bond not because they wish to be with someone else, but just because they do not wish to be with that person? Is it not more empowering to see a female (or male, if they can do it) choose to be single, and live their life as they are solely because they just do not wish to be with that person? Instead of it being more of an, 'well, it's just, I'd rather be with him'. Sadly, I do not think Elain is set up to be that person. Gwyn could, potentially, be, though I'll admit I don't believe it, considering the attention Gwyn pays to him. But I do think it's worth noting that, in my opinion, the mating bond can be rejected even if there is not another male in the picture.

However, despite all the questions and uncertainties, until we get answers, this is my personal view, based on what I've seen in the books, and how I've interpreted it. I personally feel that, regardless of who I hope ends up with whom, SJM has placed a number of clues and hints to show that Elain and Azriel aren't meant to be together, that they wouldn't be right together. And that, if they were to be together, the relationship would likely be unhealthy, and potentially toxic.

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This post is also not meant to insult or attack Elain in any way, nor Azriel. Nor am I trying to insult or attack those who ship them together. We are all welcome to our own opinions. I promise to respect yours, please respect mine.

#acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #acosf #sarah j mass #azriel #elain archeron #nesta archeron #cassian #feyre archeron #rhysand #gwyn berdara #lucien #gwynriel #elucien #anti elriel

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hyperion-moonbabe-art3mis · 4 years ago

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The Distance Between Us: 01. Escape from Hell

Summary: Alexandria Eaton is the youngest child of Marcus Eaton. What will happen when she defects from Abnegation and decides to follow in her older brother’s footsteps. Can she make it through Dauntless initiation with her secret or will she find herself in the factionless? And what will happen when the most cold-hearted leader takes an interest in her?

Post Date: 05.10.21

Word count: 2.2k

Pairing: Eric Coulter x OC

Masterlist

DBU Masterlist

Warning: child abuse (just this first part)

Today is the day. The day that I get to start my new life away from this hell. It’s the day I take my aptitude test and tomorrow I can leave. Although I already know what I want, I’m still scared of the consequences of my actions. What is my father, Marcus, going to think of me? The factions, are they going to think something is wrong when the second child of the leader of Abnegation defects from her home Faction? I quickly try to get rid of these thoughts and start getting ready for the testing.

I get dressed in a long grey skirt and a tank top. I then put my caramel brown hair in a neat low bun and open the mirror. I check to see if I need to fix my bun and look at myself studying the blue and purple bruises on my arms in the mirror. I leave the mirror open a little longer than I should have, the next thing I know it’s slammed shut.

“Too long,” The raspy voice of my father says.

“Sorry,” I respond quietly.

“You know better, Alexandria,” he says as he grabs my wrist tightly and pulls me from the chair and onto the ground. I stay on the ground while he goes over to grab a belt, afraid of more consequences for fighting back. The next thing I know he’s punishing me for leaving the mirror open too long. All I could feel was pain shooting throughout my body, as he hits me from all angles on my already bruised skin.

“Now finish getting ready, it would be a shame if you were late, representing me and this faction.” He says, with one tight grab of my wrist pulling me up. He expects me to upkeep our reputation since my brother had left and regardless of what happens in our house, I’m not allowed to speak about it. Especially now that Erudite is trying to discredit Abnegation.

I then slowly slip on a loose long sleeve shirt, trying to ignore the pain. I grab my bag and go to meet my best friend, Beatrice Prior, and her brother, Caleb Prior, outside their house. I met her just after my brother had left and she is the closest thing to a real family, she had become my escape and my rock. We knew that no matter what faction we’d choose, we’d be happy for each other. After a few minutes of waiting they finally come outside.

“Hey Alexandria, you ready?” Beatrice says hugging me as I try not to wince.

“Ready as I’ll ever be, you guys?” I respond looking between her and her brother.

“I’m nervous,” Beatrice says.

“ Let me help you with that,” Caleb says, running over to an elderly woman to help her. I follow quickly behind and grab a few items.

“Beatrice, do you wanna get the other bags?” Caleb questions looking over at her.

After helping the elderly women we continue to walk to where the aptitude test is administered. I tune out most of the conversation Beatrice and Caleb are having. We finally arrived at the building and get in line behind the Abnegation doors. While we are waiting in line we hear a boy from Candor talking to a group of kids from Abnegation, although it doesn’t sound like a friendly one. I see the boy shove one of the kids from Abnegation and see Beatrice step forward slightly before Caleb stops her, “Beatrice...Don’t” She looks at me to see if I disagree with him, but I shake my head letting her know it would be a bad idea.

The next thing we hear is a train approaching, signaling that Dauntless has arrived. They’re yelling and shouting while they jump off the moving train. It makes me wonder if that train ever stops. A few moments later the doors open and we were put into rooms. There were kids from all of the five factions, Candor, Dauntless, Abnegation, Amity, and Erudite. Luckily I was in the same room with Beatrice and Caleb, I definitely felt way more comfortable with them.

“One hundred years ago, after the war, our founders created a system they believed would prevent future conflict and create lasting peace. Today, aptitude testing based on your personality will assign you to one of the factions. While it is our belief that choosing the faction indicated by your test is the best way to ensure success within the faction system, it is your right tomorrow at the choosing ceremony to choose any of the five factions, regardless of your test results. However, once the choice has been made, there will be no change permitted.” The woman in front of the room said.

We were then split into smaller groups to go into the testing rooms. Beatrice and Caleb went before me. When their group was done, I only saw Caleb walk back in and Beatrice was nowhere to be found. I was then called up to be tested. Once everyone in my group had gotten to the doors of their room they opened simultaneously. I walked in and I noticed that my test was being administered by a woman from Dauntless. It was no surprise since we can’t be tested by someone from our own faction.

“My name is Tori, have a seat.” She said sounding like she didn’t want to be here. I sit down in the metal chair. Although I’m wearing long clothing I still felt the coldness on my skin. It felt soothing to my bruised skin.

“You'll be offered a series of choices to test your aptitude for each faction until you get one result. 95% get the faction of their origin,” Tori says, explaining how the test works as I sit quietly, trying not to look at myself in the mirror-like walls. She hands me a small glass of blue liquid and gestures for me to drink it. I don’t hesitate to drink it, wanting the test to be over as soon as possible.

I close my eyes and when I open them I find myself in the same room except Tori isn’t there. I got up from the seat and looked around and found two pedestals. One with a knife. The other with a large piece of meat.

“Choose” I hear my own voice say. I study both items but soon enough they both disappear and I hear a dog bark from my right side. I try to calm the dog, but I didn’t have any success. I then think that dogs can sense fear. I calmed my breathing and sat on the ground to get to the dog’s level. The next thing I know the aggressive dog becomes a puppy, I give him a little scratch behind the ear.

I then hear a little girl point out the dog, but when I turn back the puppy had turned back into the aggressive dog it once was. The dog starts to chase the little girl. I run after them and get in between the little girl and the dog. When the dog had jumped onto me, I wake up suddenly from the simulation.

“Shit, not again” I hear Tori whisper. I look at her with a confused look.

“What happened?” I ask her as she guides me to the door.

“Your test results were inconclusive. They were Dauntless, Abnegation, and Erudite. You can’t tell anyone. I manually entered Abnegation as your results” she explains to me in a hushed voice.

“Wait what does that mean?” I question.

“You’re Divergent, you don’t fit in just one faction.” She says and then opens the door and pushes me out.

For the rest of the day, I sat in silence, and not looking forward to going home. I walked with Caleb back to Abnegation since the serum had made Beatrice sick and she left early. I came home to my father sitting in the living room drinking a beer.

“How did the test go?” He asks even though I knew he didn’t genuinely care.

“Fine,” I respond quickly.

“Regardless of your results, you know what faction to choose if you know what’s best for you,” He says as he finishes his beer.

“I know,” I say as I sit across from him knowing this conversation won’t end quickly.

“You know, maybe I should take some precautions. In case you do leave,” Marcus says and he grabs my wrist and drags me to a chair in the dining room. He sits me down and tells me not to move unless I want more consequences.

He rolls up my sleeves, high enough so no one else would notice the marks he leaves. As I look at a few of the previous scars he’s left, he breaks the beer bottle he had just finished against the table making me flinch at the noise of the glass breaking. He picks up a small sharp piece and digs it into my left arm. I let out a small yelp, which causes him to put his hand over my mouth and shove another piece of glass into my leg. He drags it down my leg, it rips my skirt, letting blood bleed into the fabric. I try to keep myself from being audible as my eyes start to tear up from trying to stay silent.

“This is for your brother leaving and for you if you leave too. If you tell anyone about this, just know what will be waiting the next time I see you.” He says menacingly, leaving me sitting teary-eyed with glass stuck in me.

I slowly take out the glass he left in my leg and arm. And clean it up as soon as possible. I head to bed, not caring that I’m still in my bloody clothes. I just can’t wait to leave, regardless of the repercussions. The next morning I was sore after my punishment from the night before making it hard for me to get up and walk. I hear a knock on my door and go to open it.

“We’re leaving in 30 minutes. You better be ready by then. And get rid of those clothes,” Marcus says and walks away.

I change out of my bloody clothes and into a similar set of clothes. I hate the Abnegation dress code. I finish getting ready and wait in the living room for my father. We walk together with the Prior family to the Choosing Ceremony. Beatrice, Caleb, and I walk in silence while our parents talk a bit about their jobs and old family memories. I hate how my father acts all happy and makes us look like we’re a perfect family, it disgusts me how people buy it.

We make it to the choosing ceremony and are sat down next to the Prior Family. A woman from Erudite, Jeannie Matthews, had the honor of the opening speech this year. After her speech, my father went up to call the names of the kids participating in the choosing ceremony. A few kids stayed in their home faction while others left, you could hear the upset parents in the crowd.

Next up was Caleb, he chose Erudite. It was a complete surprise knowing that they have been trying to take control of the government and discredit Abnegation. Then it was Beatrice's turn, she was up there for some time, I could tell that she was struggling to choose what faction to pick. At the last moment, she let her blood drop over the hot coals, which signifies Dauntless. Roars erupted from their side of the room.

A few more kids went up before I heard my father call my name. I slowly got up out of my seat and made my way to the stage. I saw the look in my father's eyes telling me to stay where I am or else. But I didn’t let that scare me. I picked up the knife and cut the palm of my hand, thinking about what happened the previous night. Before I could even process anything, I quickly put my hand over the burning coals and squeezed my hand to let my blood drop as fast as possible. “Dauntless” I hear my father’s voice boom through the auditorium and a few quiet gasps from the crowd. I knew I had made a bad choice for Abnegation, almost confirming for Erudite that Abnegation is not worthy of being the governing faction now that all four children of leaders had left. But I didn’t care, there was nothing good left for me in Abnegation except Beatrice and she had chosen to leave and join Dauntless as well, all I could think about was getting away from him.

I look slightly up and see the face of my father looking like he wants to murder me. I quickly pick up a pad and cover the cut on my hand and make my way to the Dauntless side as they cheered for another one of their newest members. They had opened a seat next to Beatrice for me. I sit down trying to feel relieved that my father can no longer hurt me but I can see him glaring at me from across the room. I was anxious for the ceremony to be over so I can never see his face again.

A/N: Here is the first part of DBU! There isn’t going to be a set schedule for this series, but I will try to update as often as possible. I already have the second part written and that will probably go up later this week. Also, the age for this series is 18, for choosing ceremony (just makes sense), and it will be based on the movies solely. I'm not sure how far i'll go into this series, but i will at least complete the first movie. Please lmk what you think and if you want to be added to the taglist! Thanks for reading!

#beatrice prior #caleb prior #abnegation #eric coulter imagine #dauntless #marcus eaton #divergentDBU

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sepublic · 4 years ago

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Eda’s Happiness

Okay, but can we talk about the importance of that entire crowd, vouching and cheering for Eda’s escape?!? Every time we’ve seen Eda transform in public, it’s always gone wrong- Her first moment was no doubt incredibly traumatic, especially with her own older sister doing nothing to help Eda, as she was forced to navigate this curse on her own. And you can TELL that Eda actually has a lot of trust issues, and concerns with being a freak; Like yeah she still manages to have so much self-confidence, because that’s the only way she can survive and deal with how she’s treated! Not just for her ideals, but for her curse as well… The hurt of seeing her own sister prioritize the system that hurt and abused Eda, over Eda herself!

And so Eda assumes that she’s naturally unlovable. That she’s only someone’s last choice, and the kind of people that would hang around her are only ‘weirdoes’ who have nobody else to go to. She doesn’t tell King nor Luz about the curse because she’s so afraid they’ll be turned off, that they’ll ditch her… And it’s hurting her inside because you KNOW the general public is at least somewhat aware of her curse. You know the Emperor’s Coven played up the incident as proof of what happens to Wild Witches –given Belos does so in the season finale himself- and how scummy people like Odalia and Alador told their children stories of the evil Owl Lady… And it must make Eda feel so humiliated, dehumanized, and unvalid? So unsupported and lonely???

There were no doubt snobs and bullies who rubbed it in Eda’s face afterwards, or mocked her behind her back, about having the last laugh- That no matter how much more talented or enthusiastic Eda was compared to them, it was Eda who ended up worse off as a criminal rooting around in trash, that she got what she deserved in the end! There were probably plenty who mocked Eda for the lost, wasted potential because of the curse- While her enemies and bullies went to higher, prestigious places, such as the Emperor’s Coven. And to cope with this kind of mockery and humiliation, this feeling of being outdone and left behind by people so consdescending of you when you were once the best… Like they were right all this time about you turning out to be nothing.

I think Eda really had to learn to love and appreciate what she was doing, while disregarding any notions of superiority and hierarchy existing in the first place. That Eda didn’t need to feel like she was actually secretly doing better than others by being a wanted criminal, any lifestyle was valid! Eda chose not to wallow in bitterness and self-pity, to avoid that sense of entitlement and jealousy towards others for having what she was rightfully owed and then cheated out of, when it should’ve been hers and not theirs- Eda didn’t become obsessed with petty spite, about proving everyone wrong about her, about caring about what others had to say… She didn’t foolishly invest her energy towards revenge!

At her lowest point, Eda avoided looking to Belos’ toxic system for validation and an answer like so many others had. By doing so, Eda got to live truly freely without anything holding her down, she didn’t fall for that trap, validation from herself was all Eda needed… No wonder there was such a refreshing relief and sense of self-discovery in her newfound lifestyle, and why Eda so unironically boasts of it to Luz! But in the end… it feels good to receive support from others as well, and Eda no doubt missed that from a lot of people, especially her sister Lilith. And when you have only yourself… Amidst society and your own sister calling you a degenerate and a freak? With even the nature and the Boiling Isles/Titan that Eda found inspiration from, seemingly rejecting the kind of person she was, according to the Titan’s alleged messenger?

It’s no wonder she’s so tsundere about showing affection. Why Eda insists on being closed-off, and it’s why Eda insists on being nice to Luz despite her own fears of rejection, because she really doesn’t want Luz to go through what she did! And it just… MEANS. SO. MUCH, to her, when Luz and King stick with Eda after learning of the curse! And they actively help Eda with the curse, go out of their way to help her when Eda isn’t asking them, when Eda is telling them NOT to… And Eda’s kind of nervous and unsure of how to feel about Luz’s hugs. Maybe she’s afraid of being abandoned for the Coven System like Lilith did to her, which is why she’s so against Luz joining Hexside; But she also doesn’t want to force things on Luz, and she recognizes that Luz’s autonomy is more important, and that if Luz makes the choice to leave Eda, Eda should respect that! So she gives Luz that choice without trying to sway Luz to any particular opinion…

Luz is just SO KIND, and it’s all so unusual and overwhelming to Eda! Then Luz brings her friends, and Eda’s not so sure what to think, but she lets them in, she doesn’t want to be downright hostile. She’s cautious, she lets Willow and Gus exist and feels there more Luz’s friends than anything else, they probably have no opinions of her- Don’t complicate the kid’s relationships like that! Then Eda meets Odalia and Alador’s kids… And maybe she’s lowkey afraid of them recognizing and calling her out as a freak; But Amity, Emira, and Edric never do that! Amity goes out of her way to fix her own problems and it’s lowkey relieving that this girl that Luz clearly loves and vice-versa, is no threat to Eda- Though of course Eda would bear a lot of pain for Luz’s sake, you know she would even if Luz would never ask her to do that! The twins even conjure up a giant illusion of Eda that she adores…!

During Grom, it’s so painful and traumatic to see her cursed form assumed by Grom, and to have those kids look at her- And Eda must be lowkey getting panic attacks from her old memories again, but she bears through and watches so she can keep an eye on Luz, and then comes to the kid’s rescue so that Luz never has to worry about handling an uncomfortable situation without support! And Eda is just so STUNNED by how much Luz is doing for her, that she feels obligated to pay her back, as if Luz’s love isn’t unconditional to Eda and vice-versa… So she makes the Witch’s Wool cloak for Luz- And then when Luz breaks into the Conformatorium for her, Eda is just. SO touched, but concerned???

You can only imagine how much the pain of Lilith’s betrayal meant- Not just her being the curser, but especially Lilith kidnapping Luz, which is something Eda ALWAYS cites first before reminding Lilith that she cursed her little sister? But regardless this genuine betrayal of family hurts so much, but Eda swallows her pride to beg Lilith to protect Luz or at least keep her from Belos, because her love for Luz overwhelms any hatred she could have for anyone else… And Eda is resigned to her fate. She thinks this is what happens to her, and that Luz made it worthwhile, and maybe only Luz, because Eda underestimates herself.

Eda thinks she accomplished nothing. She was a rebel but never managed to change the system, and her curse discredited Eda to the public as a ‘savage’ beast. Eda felt like she had SO many unfulfilled dreams, that she was lowkey just taking up space and could never do the good things for this world that she always wanted to, so she always saw herself as just a criminal… Eda felt like all of her efforts against the system were for nothing when her own sister abandoned her for it! She thinks Luz and King are the only valid things about her, Eda relapses into that feeling that she needs to justify her own existence…

And then Willow and Gus step in. They mostly know Eda through Luz and not much more beyond that… But they VOUCH for her, and surely it’s only because Eda means a lot to Luz herself! Even so Eda is touched, but then… This entire crowd of randos, of utter strangers starts vouching for her? Morton expresses gratitude to Eda, who must’ve thought herself as just another needy customer to him… Principal Bump, who probably has regrets about failing Eda- He straight-up says Eda made him love teaching again? And you KNOW that means so much to Eda, because she has a relationship with wanting to reclaim education on her own terms, free from the Coven System’s influence…

Eda no doubt has trust issues over being taken advantage of, in regards to her curse, and her need for elixir. Tibbles didn’t exactly help that, so it means a lot to see Morton appreciate what Eda did; Obviously partly as a customer, but there’s a sense that Morton doesn’t just need Eda’s business, he wants her happiness in general out of true gratitude! Even the DEMON HUNTER who captured her in Episode 10, vouches for Eda’s escape! Granted that dude probably didn’t even know that was a person he was capturing and not a mindless beast (granted he has no qualms about murdering children even if he won’t glorify it), and maybe that Demon Hunter is vouching more in opposition to Belos, than an ACTUAL support for Eda herself…

But still, even this random jerk who persecuted Eda for being cursed, as a beast, who dehumanized her- This former enemy is now vouching for Eda’s personhood, for her right to live and exist! Then you’ve got a bunch of kids who are cheering for Eda too, even kids from high-status families like Skara- You’d think those families would be particularly against Eda, if Odalia and Alador are any indication… But the Blight kids prove that wrong. So does Skara, and then you’ve got some regular students, among them a kid who looked at Eda when he recognized her cursed form during Grom… And Eda’s felt like a freak for so long, so having these innocent kids actually vouch for her, like she’s a role model, like she’s someone to rally around and defend- It means so much! That these strangers don’t care for Eda on a personal level, but on a moral obligation they can’t bear to see her suffer- Just as Eda doesn’t connect with most people, but she defies the Coven System because of what it does to society! Even when the system offered her a place at the top, she refused because she saw others being hurt by it…

Eda is very much the kind of person who would vouch for an enemy, I feel, if she thinks their mistreatment is coming from a place of injustice, by a cruel system, and is undeserved in this particular scenario. She’d vouch for the rights and personhood of EVERYONE… Even if she’d totally kill them in self-defense for harming her Luz. To Eda, your right to exist is something you really have to work to forfeit through heinous acts and threatening others’ right to exist, instead of being something one must earn- You’re already entitled to it by default! To finally see her ideals be repeated, to have that sentiment echoed through others… After so long of feeling unheard, of feeling like her ideas have been dismissed because of her curse…

And now people are doing this, while Eda is LITERALLY cursed, right in front of them! She’s taking the form of a monster, but that doesn’t matter to any of these people! The dweebus’ dad even risks his job to let Willow and Gus fight against the system, because he thinks they and Eda make some good points; Or AT LEAST, Eda doesn’t deserve this! Every time Eda’s transformed, it was always a state of vulnerability and trauma where she was hurt and rejected. Even King, her trusted friend, lowkey dehumanized Eda by treating her as a beast to conquer others with (even if he learned his lesson in the end). Whether through Luz or her own actions, which DID affect Luz to begin with, or both… Eda has done something. Eda has actually put something out into this world, and is now receiving back from it so gloriously and kindly.

It must mean a LOT to her, it must mean so much… And obviously she couldn’t immediately react in the chaos. But afterwards, when things have calmed down and they all have time to recollect their thoughts at the Owl House? It probably struck Eda. To see kids, low-key a symbol of her lost youth, vouch for Eda… To change for the better just as Eda wants this new generation to avoid the trauma of the old one. It gives Eda a sweet hope in the new generation to save things, it gives her even more faith towards Luz, a desire to truly see her do well and propagate… Teenagers, from her first experience transforming, mock and hurt you for the curse even when you’re scared and need help. So it means a lot to Eda to see the situation change, so see Teenagers now being the kind of people who vouch for Eda…

Because keep in mind, this is all at the risk of Belos’ retaliation! This is an execution specifically propped up as being what Belos himself wants, to the point where he isn’t even going to hide it- He’s going to publicize and broadcast it! These people, kids and adults alike, even Bump who feared Belos because he likely saw his violent rise to power; They’re in the Conformatorium, at the heart of a symbol of Belos’ cruelty. The Emperor’s Coven could lash out at them for this, but they don’t care, because Eda deserves better than this, because ANYBODY deserves better than this, by principle! These people are risking themselves for Eda on the same kind of principle she tried to spread and feared would never be heard…

And it’s so incredibly validating. That Eda herself made just a change, not only for this specific kid named Luz –and she’d have been content with just that- but even with all these strangers from Bonesborough! Her existence and efforts weren’t for naught, and they expanded well beyond what Eda expected. Eda had resigned herself to never getting the dreams she wanted, and opted to get them for someone else- But now, this gives her hope that maybe Eda CAN live out the dreams she thought she lost, after all! And so when it’s finally tied off with Lilith… With Lilith risking Belos’ wrath, for Eda’s sake- Lilith FINALLY prioritizing her little sister, after all this time?

Lilith’s betrayal was among the first of Eda’s trauma. Lilith, siding with the Emperor’s Coven when Eda first transformed… It no doubt stuck in Eda’s mind and influenced her feelings of worthlessness a lot. Eda hoped that Lilith could turn around, not just because she loved her sister, because it also made Eda hope that she was lovable, that Lilith could still care for her in return… Which is kind of a parallel to Lilith hoping Eda would join the Emperor’s Coven for her, albeit in a much more compassionate and respectful way, of course! And Eda becomes resigned to Lilith’s rejection as the fundamental truth of how unlovable she is if her own sister rejects her, ESPECIALLY after learning that Lily even cursed her to be beside Belos…

And now Lilith is changing. Lilith has FINALLY changed, and now has King vouching for her- Luz has no doubt changed Lilith’s heart, and Eda is so indebted to the kid for this… But then she remembers that Luz was influenced by Eda, too. In a sense, it was Eda who indirectly managed to finally change her sister’s heart… Lilith finally realized how much she cared for Eda unconditionally. And Eda is just SO touched, after all these years of pain and abandonment- That she takes the petrification blow for Lilith and King. Probably more for King, with Lilith having to unintentionally benefit from Eda’s cursed girth that SHE caused, but still! It must be an overwhelming series of events- To have Luz and King affirm their love for Eda, to have this entire AUDIENCE of strangers, some of whom aren’t so strange to Eda, vouch for her? For Eda to realize she made a positive impact…

And now Lilith, the person whose betrayal likely hurt her most? Now even Lilith is vouching for Eda? When it finally settled in, after they all returned to the Owl House? Eda could’ve very easily cried and sobbed intense feelings of relief, of happiness, of validation… And I can see her just letting go of any grudge against Lilith, at least in the moment, because she’s just so happy and grateful for this. That she just wants love and validation, that she doesn’t care to hate- Eda never wanted to hate Lilith, always she wants to regain that lost love between them, and now it’s being offered back! Maybe in calmer moments, Eda will rightfully recall her issues with Lilith… But right now, she’s so happy. Eda’s never felt this relieved and content before, as she hugs Luz and King… It’s like she really COULD die without regrets this time, unlike what she claimed in Agony of a Witch…

Eda’s at peace with every decision she’s made now, and if given the chance to redo her life, would pick those choices again without hesitation! Eda wouldn’t change a thing, especially not after seeing where it’s gotten her now- Not a single of her own actions, she regrets! And at the same time, Eda’s still got so much more to do, so much more to look forward to! Making up for lost time with Lilith, learning Glyphs alongside Luz… Eda felt like it had already ended, or was in the process of ending- Her own lifespan had been shortened by the curse! But now, NOW, it feels like it’s just begun…! And Eda’s rediscovered that lost passion and hope for the future, that desire to head forward and explore to her heart’s content, to seize opportunities- And she’s just so happy. It just means the world to her, so much, and she’s eternally indebted towards Luz for this, for showing Eda the Light at the end of the tunnel; For getting her out of that dark place of resignation.

It’s like Eda’s going back in time, almost, to get the life she actually deserved and wanted for herself- And she is taking her chance! She’s not going to forget what she actually went through as an adult of course… But regardless, Edalyn Clawthorne has hope for the future. And not just the future, but for herself as well- It feels like she’s undone and made right her greatest regrets and failures, and now Eda feels the capacity to not just undo mistakes, but to make good… Because she DID make good, she did inspire people! And now Eda is determined to be what she always dreamed of, now that she has the chance to put in the work, and now nobody else can ever take that from her! And she won’t let people take from anyone else, either… What had been possibly the worst night of Eda’s life, was immediately followed by the best one… Not just in years; Maybe the best night in all of Eda’s life, period! And Eda could understand if there will never be a moment as great as this, ever again, because all ensuing moments from now on will still be worth it, especially if it’s with her family… And hey, who’s to say Eda can’t work to make things even better, as is?

Her confidence in herself to improve, to change the world around her, to make things better for herself and others- Not only has it returned, but it’s been truly validated! And now… now, it’s like a spark has been relit in Eda’s heart, more potent than her lost bile magic, and Eda can finally unapologetically be herself and fully pursue what she wanted, without anyone else to drag her down! Screw you Belos- Eda feels like she practically has the entire world behind her back! Fitting, given the possibility of the Titan siding with Luz… And ironic, given how Belos claimed it was the Titan’s will to spare Eda!

Maybe Belos WAS right about that in the end, and never even realized it… And being validated by the wilderness Eda loved and found solace in when there was nobody else to reassure her, the wilderness that inspired and defined her? To be told it was real, that it felt Eda’s attention and that it was touched by it in return? To do for Nature, after Nature did so much for her? Finally earning others’ respect for nature by getting them to challenge the Coven System’s loathsome rejection to wild magic… That there really was always somebody listening, that Eda was never wrong, and even on her own, she was still valid? That the world will never be against her, it too wants the best?

Eda’s life really has turned around. She was on the trajectory for what she thought would be a meaningless, unnoticed end, isolated from all others, forgotten even by the Coven System, with Belos not caring for Eda until she had the portal. But now it’s changed around, and Luz’s Light has shown her that in many regards, Eda’s life really was already that valid as she claimed, after all! And now, it’s like Eda can do anything… She knows who she is and can truly trust in that, now. The Owl House was an environment where people could finally be themselves- And after all this time, its most long-lasting and famous resident can enjoy this comfort at home for herself.

An unimaginable burden has been lifted from Eda’s shoulders, and now she feels freer than she’s ever been- And now she can truly love herself, not just in the present, but every moment in the past. Eda can fully, intensely self-love, and from there, her love of others can only flourish and bloom- And for Luz, it’s pretty intense as-is! Eda’s making new connections… All that went wrong has gone right, and Eda can safely be reassured that she doesn’t just owe it to others for this- She owes it to HERSELF as well, that Eda’s own efforts and struggles paid off in the end!

Eda made her own life not just better, she made it great from the very beginning, she truly defined herself, and applied those principles of determining one’s fate, to herself, and not just to others. Eda was a mentor to many, but now she gets to be the apprentice who learns and benefits after all this time- Not just from her own lessons, but from Luz’s as well! Eda did make a change, she really did… And I wouldn’t be surprised by a major shift in Eda’s mood from now on, in how she interacts with others and strangers, as she becomes even more open, and unapologetically herself, and openly loving with those hugs that Luz taught, or reminded her, of…

#the owl house #owl house #the owl house eda #edalyn clawthorne #the owl house luz #luz noceda #meta

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carrottuan93 · 4 years ago

Text

Haven’t met you yet| Mark

Masterlist (4/4)

Starring: MK x You

Tags: Mark Tuan, Fluff, Destiny, Waiting, Christmas, Bookworm, Nerd, Love, Fate

Total WC: 3075

An hour left before Christmas, Mark told you that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He said he’d rather believe on the existence of aliens because he watched too much American movies about the extraterrestrial life. That sounded cool for you that you both share the same interest for the unknown life out there, but you don’t want to discredit Santa for giving you Mark to spend the Christmas eve with. He did not only hit the roof of your standards, but he exceeded them. He never cease to met all the bars for your ideal type and he’s never failed you so far with his vast array of knowledge of all the topics you guys are talking about in the past 2 hours. Guys for you are sexy if they can carry a proper conversation.

“I swear to God if an alien comes out of nowhere, I’d let him take me and I’ll fly with him in a heartbeat.” You’re a whole lot better now that you’re sharing a lot of jokes and making fun of each other. Setting aside the world and the rest of the others. Just you, him and the wine under the starry sky.

“Jesus, out of all the people in our planet, you chose to elope with someone from the outside world. In my case, I’d let them take me as long as they will show me how spaceships work so I could finally meet my childhood dream of becoming a space police, riding those cool ships and chasing bad aliens.” Your topic reached the outer space already but you’re now laying on the floor beside Mark, as you watch the open glass roof ceiling of the observatory with eyes wide awake.

“What’s wrong with dating an alien? At least, I get to experience travelling to different galaxies and planets. So much for the trouble of chasing bad aliens for a living.” You snickered, earning his grumpy voice.

“If you’re going to date alien, at least choose someone handsome.” He replied, placing both of his arms underneath his head.

“I haven’t seen any handsome alien yet, I mean all the creatures that they show on tv are the ones with the big bald heads, oval shaped eyes, and lanky thin frames. I don’t think they’d fit the definition of handsome.” This is your first time watching under the stars on top of the freaking Namsan Tower observatory and you’re delighted to experience it on a Christmas day with Mark.

“I am just right here beside you. I’m handsome since I was born, that’s already a given, I know. So just save yourself from the trouble of finding the alien guy of your dreams because Mark has come to save the unbothered princess from distress.” You don’t know if he’s still sober enough at this hour but you can tell that you aren’t drunk enough to be hearing this from him.

“Handsome guy perks, a ticket to finding instant dates. Why do you even want to date me?” You turned to your side, facing him. You're curious and you want to get straight to the point.

“Now that we’ve got to the topic of impressions, I think you’re quite interesting. That maybe you could make my Christmas eve a little less lonely, perhaps. Scratch that, maybe you could fit on all types of holidays and occasions. Maybe you’re a girl matched for all the seasons.” You felt giddy now that you’re facing each other, side to side, but still, you need to calm your high hopes for this guy.

“If this is a date, I’m ditching you already.” You glanced at him quickly and was rewarded by his cute eye smile. Oh cupid, this is not fair play for showing up earlier than your scheduled season in February.

“Why not? Am I not appealing to you? Come on. Try me." You watch his eyes examine your face, those hazelnut orbs are beautiful, and you want to train your eyes and treat them as their home. You never experienced staring at any guy for the longest time until tonight and all you can hear is the sound of him breathing, reciprocating your own rhythm. You aren’t aware that silence is actually too deafening when it’s the heart that does the talking. Those tall buildings appear smaller from a distant and they're glistening different hues and wavelength of bright lights, which are now witnesses to you finding love in the most unexpected way. But you don’t have the concrete definition of love because you haven’t felt it before. You just know and you can feel the unfamiliar zip of current travelling on your bloodstream. It’s just the two of you, and you’re under the supervision of the constellations in the open sky above, and it’s magical that you feel like these were the exact same stars that the first lovers saw on earth. How come it's too peaceful up there when you lay next to him? It’s a perfect moment for your exhausted soul to recover from your endless pursuits and maybe this is your fate taking its move. You are no daredevil to begin with and chasing ecstasy aren’t your cup of tea because you’re always craving for assurances in all the right places. But Mark is your risk and guarantee, all at once.

It is really tiring to find something when you don’t even know what you’re searching for in the first place. One thing is for sure, you haven't met anyone so random and fascinating like him. He's unique, overflowing with charms and maybe a box full of surprises for you to discover. Deep down, you've been wanting to get to know him more and you're aware that you're crossing oceans knowing that you’ll meet him on the other end. It is very unlike you to just casually lower your guard down for someone upon your first meeting but when it comes to Mark, everything seems to magically untangle in all the right places.

“Because I’m beginning to think that I misplaced my heart somewhere when it is still right here, intact on my rib cage. It’s just that my heart feels foreign to me now that you’re slowly owning up most of the empty spaces in my atrium.” He smiled like a panacea of all earthly ills and his smile could heal the world.

“I am no poet, but Paulo Cuelho once said ‘if it’s still in your mind, it is worth taking the risk’. I could see the thrill of chase, the first time I laid my eyes on you last night and you never left my mind ever since I got to talked to you tonight. Actually, I’ve met you already a long time ago. So you need to catch up with me and we all have the days on our feet to go on a lot of spontaneous pursuits, and you’ll make up for the lost time that you’re supposed to have known me already.” He’s too good with words and you’re drowning and drowning and you never wanna be saved. You’ve encountered almost all kinds of contracts on your work already and you always make sure to read the terms and agreements regardless of the number of pages but when it comes to Mark, you’d gladly sign the papers right away even with your eyes closed. But something doesn’t feel right with what he is saying.

"First of all, I haven’t met you yet not until this evening.” Maybe it’s the wine that’s getting you drunk, hearing things and such.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I tell you that you’re the reason why I traded my Christmas in the US for a night here with you in Seoul for a blind date. I might sound stupid, but you should thank Jackson for all the credits. He introduced you to me a year ago and I stopped attending parties ever since my cousin did all the marketing strategy and such. It’s crazy right? For all I care, I’m tired of all things temporary so I trust my cousin when he said that you’ll give the permanence that I’m searching for. I don’t really know, I’m a random guy and I told my mom I’m hopping on a 14 hour flight to Seoul on Christmas eve to meet this girl so I went here for risk’s sake. And my luck has never failed me when you come to my place last night, barging in like some kind of an annoyed girlfriend coming home from a party. Damn, you nearly broke my unit’s lock system. You can claim your stuff at my place later when we go home, and you owe me a ‘Thank you’ because I saved you from carelessly sleeping into someone else’s bed. I respected your drunken state and I slept on the floor, so you have nothing to worry about. I’m just surprised that you disappeared in the morning all of a sudden without even saying anything.” You sat on your place, unable to process everything that he just said. You realized you’re so done, the heavens above could just open up and take you already because there isn’t any influence of wine taking over your completely sober minds. Everything is real and happening and you’re overwhelmed, and you don’t know what to do anymore.

“WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT???!” You screamed to your shock, running all over the place like you killed somebody and you badly want to escape the room due to your embarrassment.

“Wow, you even curse louder than I’ve imagined. It’s alright, Y/n. I’m fully aware that you love the scent of fabric conditioner because you can’t get enough of me last night. I can’t blame my parents for giving birth to myself. I left your stuff in my room, but I know I got something that you badly need right now.” He fished out your planner from the pocket of his coat, waving it like some kind of a show money in the air and you’d do what it takes to retrieve it back to your possession.

“Relax, I didn’t mean to interfere with your personal schedule, but I just saw a picture of pink roses at the back of your planner.” He gave you the planner and you hugged it like your world depended on it. He clapped his hands in the air and a guy came out of nowhere, carrying a bouquet of full-grown pink roses. It’s your first time receiving your favorite flowers from a guy and you feel like you don’t deserve Mark because he’s too good for you. Your eyes are now brimming in tears, knowing that God already gave the sign that you’re looking for. He’s standing right beside you and all you need to do is to take a leap, because it’ll be all or nothing.

“Jackson, you’re so dead to me. He sold me even without my permission and now that you’re right here, I’m suing you as well because of the amount of emotional damaged you have caused to my system. Now I’ll never be the same again because you gave me an ocean when I’m only asking for some rain.” You’re crying because of happiness. He dried your tears and he hugged you, so tight, you never wanna let go of him anymore. He smells of fabric conditioner and you’re never going to shut up about it.

"If only you can see yourself from my own perspective, you'd want to date yourself too. You sound scary whenever you want to sue someone because of something. First, it's my cousin Jackson and now you're suing me as well. That makes you interesting. A tough nut to crack. You're a challenge and I'm always up for the stakes of it. I'm not a perfect guy but we can save all the paralegal proceedings with just settling everything in our own terms, alright? I'm a man of my own words. I might be a pro player, but only in games for your reference, because I don't play with hearts, I win them. You just need to chill and worry about not falling too hard for me. Because I'm pretty sure, I'd beat you up to it." The man's got a way with his words. He's the definition of smooth and speed at the same time. But he's more than that. You like smart guys, you're attracted to their brains and you'll be placing all of your poker cards on the table for this sweet bounty.

"I'm not sure if our personalities coincide or if our interests are compatible but I'm hoping that whatever it is, this mutual attraction tonight isn't just a one-time thing. Just so you know, Eunhee has given me enough stress with all the troublesome blind dates I've been to lately. All I’m asking is for you to be sincere and honest because once I let you in my life, you'll never be allowed to leave anymore." You glanced down on your fingertips, too afraid to enter a commitment, you feel like you're having a mini heart attack. You swear that Mark could really hear your heart pounding louder than ever.

"Fate is really unpredictable. If you will ask, I'd rather believe in the existence of aliens more than Santa but what if he's really residing in the North Pole and he gave you to me as my Christmas present? I’m not going to run away because the chase is finally over. All you need to do is surrender yourself to me. No more buts, and what ifs. Only if you'll gonna agree to date me, my Dad will be really proud of raising a gambler just like him.” You could only wish for time to stop right there on your spot. You couldn’t ask for more, you began to doubt yourself if you really deserve all the good things that has come to your life. You wouldn’t want to wake up from this fantasy, but your eyes aren’t going to lie, there is love all over the place and you can see that it is real and happening this time.

"I don't know much about you, but I would love for you to to bring me into another spontaneous trip of yours cause I'm absolutely up for more of your surprises." All you can ever hear is the sound of a loud bang with all the fireworks lightning up the sky in iridescent hues as you froze right on your spot, eyes wide open, when you felt his lips on yours in one swift chaste kiss. He's too gentle, you can feel his breath becoming one with yours. He pulled away and you both greeted each other a 'Merry Christmas' as a couple. That was your first kiss taken from you and it tasted sweeter than wine.

“I want to let you know that I’m actually your secret Santa. I may have come to the party without bringing my gift, but I made sure to tag you here along with me so you could appreciate my gift in person. It's me, I'm the gift itself and I'm already yours, Y/n." Did he just show you an aegyo? Gosh, you almost melted with how cute he is. Mark must have been blessed with all the charms in the world. He showed you a piece of paper with your name written on it. You don’t believe in destiny until you brought out your own paper and saw his name written on it.

“I didn't know if Eunhee and Jackson has something to do with this but I’m your Secret Santa too. If this isn't destiny, then I don't know what is. But you can have my heart for Christmas, and I hope you'd take care of it from now on.” You showed him his name written on the paper and everything became irrelevant all of a sudden. As if floating on a zero-gravity dimension, you felt like a lifeless feather on thin air but your heart is betraying you by falling too deep for this guy. He's a one chance in a lifetime, an answered prayer from your last lifetime and your sweet serendipity.

"Now that everything went the way I wanted it to be, I'm up for another trip this New Year's eve, on your birthday." Just when you thought you've been blessed with so much this year, there are actually a lot more surprises to come.

"Jackson has told you a looot about me, even my birthday, and I'm not going to be surprised about that. Anyways, what about the trip?". He reached for your hand and you felt delicate in his grasp. Too weak and too fragile but your heart is full and that's the only thing that matters.

"My father is the CEO of TUAN RESIDENTIAL, a US based real estate developer which also means we are your firm's newest client. I know this is the craziest coincidence on top of everything, but I just discovered it this morning when I saw your planner and read the details about the meetings you've attended in the past week. I find out that you're actually part of the accounting firm that we hired. With that, I want to formally introduce their Vice President, Mark Tuan. We're acquiring a domestic corporation here in Seoul so we could expand our own line of business here in Korea. Trust me, this looks like a prank but I guess fate will really find a way for us to cross paths together no matter what. But we aren't talking about work here. Instead, are you ready for another surprise? I'm taking you with me in the US ahead of New Year’s Eve so you could meet my father and discuss a little about the liquidation proceedings. And of course, my mom would love to meet the reason why her son traveled to the other side of the world. She'll be glad that his eldest son will finally bring a girl in the house. So be prepared, Y/n, because we're leaving in the next 24 hours.”

and all this time you thought 'why are people too patient when they are waiting?' Simply because you wouldn't want to come under prepared if love suddenly comes along your way when you least expect it.

“WHAT THE HELL! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, MARK??????”

“Cool. I like girls who cuss a lot.”

#got7 #mark #mark tuan #got7 fluff #got7 fanfic #got7 imagines #got7mark #ahgase #got7 jackson #jackson #kpop #kpop fanfic #kpop fluff #boyfriend #Christmas

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raptured-night · 5 years ago

Note

Hello, I have two questions this time. Why do you think we can’t really compare Death Eaters to Nazis? Why can’t we really compare purism with racism? Oh and do you think Death Eaters are more like nowadays’ terrorists or not?

So, it's no secret that I have drawn attention to the issue of Death Eaters being treated as literal stand-ins for Nazis or blood purism as a literal example of racism. Importantly, there is a difference between acknowledging the ways that Death Eaters or blood purity might work as semi-functional allegories for the Nazis and their ideology, white supremacy, racism, etc., and treating fictional representations of invented prejudices as if they were comparable or on par with non-fictional Nazi ideology, white supremacy, or systemic racism.

An article for Medium makes this point very well:

Silent resisters and ‘I don’t really care about politics’ people deserve our contempt. But what makes those who filter life through fiction and historical revisionism worse is that they are performing a soggy simulacrum of political engagement.

As a woman of colour watching, all I can do here is amplify the call to step away from your bookshelf. Let go of The Ring. My humanity exists independently of whether I am good or bad, and regardless of where the invented-fictional-not-real Sorting Hat puts me.

Realise that people are in danger right now, with real world actions needed in response, and not just because you want to live out your dreams of being Katniss Everdeen.

The problem with discussing Harry Potter’s fictional examples of prejudice as if they were literal or completely comparable with real-life prejudices is that it does lead to an oversimplification of the reality of prejudice (whether white supremacy, racism, homophobia, transphobia --looking at you Jo-- or otherwise) and the very real people who experience these prejudices every day. The fantasy of being Harry Potter up against Umbridge or Voldemort in a YA series where the line between the good and bad guys is almost clearly denoted by the narrator is a far cry from the reality of what activism is or what living under oppression is like for many marginalized people.

I would argue that this is also a leading reason why the “social justice” (yes, in many cases I believe that deserves to be enclosed in dubious quotations) discourse in Harry Potter fandom trends more towards performative than it does sincere (one need only look at the defense posts for Rowling in response to real marginalized groups criticizing her for things ranging from her offensive representation of Asian people, Indigenous and Native peoples, or her failures in representing the lgbtq+ community particularly in light of her coming out as an open TERF and they can get an idea of how those “I’m an intersectional feminist/social justice ally and that’s why I read HP!” fans quickly shift gears to throw the bulk of their allyship behind Rowling instead) because when you spend all of your time debating fictional prejudices it’s much easier to detach oneself from the reality of non-fictional prejudice and its impact on real people.

Fiction has no stakes. There is a beginning, middle, and end. In Rowling’s fictional world, Harry Potter ends with Harry and “the side of light” the victor over her allegorical representation of evil and he gets his happily-ever-after in a world we are led to believe is at peace and made a better place. In the real world, decades after the fall of Hitler, there are still Nazis and white supremacists who believe in the glory of an Aryan/pure-white race and are responsible for acts of violence towards marginalized groups; even after the fall of the Confederacy in the U.S. we are still debating the removal of monuments erected in their honor (and the honor of former slave owners and colonialists like Christopher Columbus) while the nation continues mass protests over the systemic police brutality Black people and other people of color have long faced (not to mention the fact the KKK are still allowed to gather while the FBI conspired to destroy the Black Panther Party and discredit them as a dangerous extremist organization).

As a professor in literature, I’ve often argued that fiction can be a reflection of reality and vice versa. Indeed, it can be a subversive tool for social change and resistance (e.g. Harlem Renaissance) or be abused for the purposes of propaganda and misrepresentation (e.g. Jim Crow era racism in cartoons). So, I am not underscoring the influencing power of fiction but I do believe it is important that when attempting to apply fictional representations to real-world issues we do so with a certain awareness of the limitations of fiction. As I have already observed, there is an absence of real-world stakes for fiction. Fictional stories operate under a narrative structure that clearly delineates the course they will take, which is not the case for real life. In addition, the author’s own limitations can greatly affect the way their fiction may reflect certain non-fictional issues. Notably, a close reading of Harry Potter does reveal the way Rowling’s own transphobic prejudices influenced her writing, not least in the character of Rita Skeeter (but arguably even in her failed allegory for werewolves, which are supposed to reflect HIV prejudices, but she essentially presented us with two examples of werewolves that are either openly predatory towards children or accidentally predatory because they canonically can’t control themselves when their bodies undergo “transformations” that make them more dangerous and no surprise her most predatory example, Fenrir Greyback, seems to have embraced his transformation entirely versus Lupin who could be said to suffer more from body dysmorphia/shame).

Ultimately, fiction is often a reflection of our non-fictional reality but it is not always an exact reflection. It can be a simplification of a more complex reality; a funhouse mirror that distorts that reality entirely, or the mirror might be a bit cracked or smudged and only reflecting a partial image. Because fiction does have its limits (as do authors of fiction), writers have certain story-telling conventions on hand through which they can examine certain aspects of reality through a more vague fictional lens, such as metaphor, symbolism, and allegory. Thus, the Death Eaters can function on an allegorical level without being problematic where they cannot when we treat them as literal comparisons to Nazis or white supremacist groups (particularly when we show a greater capacity for empathy and outrage over Rowling’s fictional prejudice, to the extent we’ll willingly censor fictional slurs like Mudblood, than we do real-world examples of racism and racial microaggressions). As an allegory, Voldemort and his Death Eaters can stand in for quite a few examples of extremism and prejudice that provoke readers to reflect more on the issue of how prejudice is developed and how extremist hate-groups and organizations may be able to rise and gain traction. Likewise, blood prejudice looked at as a fictional allegory goes a lot further than when we treat it as a literal comparison to racism, wherein it becomes a lot more problematic.

I’ve discussed this before at length, along with others, and I will share some of those posts to give a better idea of some of the issues that arise when we try to argue that Voldemort was a literal comparison to Hitler, the Death Eaters were literal comparisons to Nazi, or that blood purity is a literal comparison to racism.

On the issue of blood prejudice as racism and Death Eaters as Nazis, per @idealistic-realism00.

On the issue of blood prejudice as racism, my own thoughts.

On the issue of Death Eaters and literal Nazi comparisons, per @deathdaydungeon and myself.

Finally, as I have already argued, the extent to which fiction can function as a reflection of non-fictional realities can be limited by the author’s own perceptions. In the above links, you will note that I and others have critiqued Rowling’s portrayal of prejudice quite thoroughly and identified many of the flaws inherent in her representations of what prejudice looks like in a real-world context. The very binary (i.e. good/bad, right/wrong, dark/light) way that she presents prejudice and the fact that her villains are always clearly delineated and more broadly rejected by the larger society undermines any idea of a realistic representation of prejudice as systemic (we could make a case for an effort being made but as her narrative fails to ever properly address prejudice as systemic in any sort of conclusive way when taken along with her epilogue one can argue her representation of systemic prejudice and its impact fell far short of the mark, intended or otherwise). In addition to that, the two most notable protagonists that are part of her marginalized class (i.e. Muggle-born) are two comfortably middle-class girls, one of whom is clearly meant to be white (i.e. Lily) and the other who is most widely associated with the white actress (Emma Watson) who played her for over a decade before Rowling even hinted to the possibility Hermione could also be read as Black due to the casting of Noma Dumezweni for Cursed Child.

Overall, Rowling is clearly heavily influenced by second-wave feminist thought (although I would personally characterize her as anti-feminist having read her recent “essay,” and I use the term loosely as it was primarily a polemic of TERF propaganda, defending her transphobia, and reexamined the Harry Potter series and her gender dichotomy in light of her thoughts on “womanhood”) and as far as we are willing to call her a feminist, she is a white feminist. As a result, the representation of prejudice in Harry Potter is a distorted reflection of reality through the lens of a white feminist whose own understanding of prejudice is limited. Others, such as @somuchanxietysolittletime and @ankkaneito have done well to point out inconsistencies with Rowling’s intended allegories and the way the Harry Potter series overall can be read as a colonialist fantasy. So, for all of these reasons, I don’t think we should attempt to make literal comparisons between Rowling’s fictional examples of prejudice to non-fictional prejudice or hate groups. The Death Eaters and Voldemort are better examined as more of a catch-all allegory for prejudice when taken to it’s most extreme. Aicha Marhfour makes an important point in her article when she observes:

Trump isn’t himself, or even Hitler. He is Lord Voldemort. He is Darth Vader, or Dolores Umbridge — a role sometimes shared by Betsy DeVos or Tomi Lahren, depending on who you’re talking to. Obama is Dumbledore, and Bernie Sanders is Dobby the goddamn house elf. Republicans are Slytherins, Democrats are Gryffindors.

The cost of making these literal comparisons between Voldemort or the Death Eaters to other forms of extremism, perceived evil, or hate is that we impose a fictional concept over a non-fictional reality and unintentionally strip the individual or individuals perpetrating real acts of prejudice or oppression of some of their accountability. I can appreciate how such associations may help some people cope and for the readers of the intended age category of Harry Potter (i.e. YA readers) it might even be a decent primer to understanding real-world issues. However, there comes a point where we must resist the impulse to draw these comparisons and go deeper. Let Voldemort and the Death Eaters exist as allegories but I think it is important we all listen to what many fans of color, Jewish fans, lgbtq+ fans, etc. are saying and stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole by treating these fictional characters and their fictional prejudices as if they were just as real, just as impactful, and just as deserving of our empathy and outrage as the very real people who are living daily with very real prejudices --because they’re not equal and they shouldn’t be.

#anti-rowling #systemic racism #nazi mention: cw #white supremacy #godwins law #allegory #harry potter #harry potter meta

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dodgergilmore · 5 years ago

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1: Also I would VERY MUCH love to hear more of your thoughts on season 3. It always annoys me to NO END how people who hate them think that fans love them for their season 3 relationship despite the fact that other fans have mentioned numerous times that it's not because they thought their relationship was perfect, but that they didn't get a real chance where both of them were at a better place in their life.

Continued: It's very obvious in the season that their relationship actually DOES work in the sense that they get along when there's no outside pressures in the form of Lorelai/Dean, that they actually like spending time with each other and do dates, but the issue is that we never got enough of that, only the big arguments were placed in the forefront which imo is unfair because it further gives people 'proof' that Dean saying that Jess treats her 'like trash' is true, when in fact it's very much not (also it's just obvious shipper bias how many people, particularly r*gans love focusing on the negative aspects of Lit but just sweep aside all the issues Logan has in seasons 5/6, hell even in season 7 with how he proposed to Rory and then immediately ended their long term relationship when she couldn't say yes to him). It's also more than justified for fans to be intrigued of the possibility of older Lit when both Jess and Rory have their own lives that are more separate from the influence of Stars Hollow/Jess's turbulent past, because not only is Jess more mature, more open and just more stable and sure of himself, Rory now has to make decisions for herself and not based off of what Lorelai or anyone else says for her to do. And, although I'm in the minority with this opinion, even though Rory's writing in AYITL was awful in terms of fleshing out how and just why she is at this state, without allowing people to be more sympathetic, I'm not gonna suddenly go against her being with Jess simply because people think he 'pined' for her all these years when it's clear that he's not holding his life back for her, but merely in his own way, will always love her. And what I mentioned about her and Jess finally having a relationship that isn't influenced by anyone outside of it still stands for this, especially when Rory's gotta put her life back together now and Jess would imo offer support, the same way she tried to do it when he was younger and unsure of his capabilities. But yeah even discrediting AYITL, an adult relationship between them would truly be a positive thing

Okay I’ve had my morning coffee so I am ready + this is definitely going to warrant a read more!

Exactly!! I have never seen anyone claim their season 3 relationship was great. We don’t get to see them just be happy and hanging out together – even though we’re explicitly told they’re together often – unless it’s to set up conflict and I think a big part of that comes from the fact that Milo was already being written out of the show before the characters even got together.

They’ve always liked just spending time together and I love how that ends up being a constant thread throughout their relationship, be it in a romantic context or not, with season 4 being an obvious exception but at that point they were still confronting the completely unresolved ending to their relationship. But anyway, getting back to season 3...

Let me just repeat myself here: Dean cast a looming shadow over the entirety of the Rory and Jess relationship in season 3. That’s not to say that they would have been together forever if Dean hadn’t been there because I think it was inevitable for their paths to diverge (and eventually come back together!) – of course it would have been nice for them to grow together but in terms of canon, I actually like that they got to experience life independent of each other. However, Dean’s presence definitely exacerbated the issues in the Rory and Jess relationship. (I don’t mean to frame this in a way that everything wrong with Rory and Jess’ relationship has to do with Dean, I’m just examining the ways in which his role in the narrative had an influence on their relationship)

The Dean/Rory/Jess love triangle had been building up for almost a year by the time we get to 3x07 so we as viewers are ready for it to culminate in a big, dramatic, exciting way and it certainly delivers in that regard because it made for good television but it’s a shaky starting point for Rory and Jess. Before Rory even has time to cry to her mother, or even just tell her mother about the breakup with Dean, she’s already swept up in a new relationship. For that reason, an interesting “what-if” to consider is what if Dean had ended the relationship once he realised she liked Jess in 2x18? But that doesn’t happen, so from this point on Rory slowly becomes aware of her growing feelings for Jess while still being in a relationship with Dean and she feels guilty, obviously! Once she’s with Jess, she feels like she has to make things right with Dean. On top of that, Rory was always being told by the town and her mother about how Dean was the perfect boyfriend and, oh, she was so lucky to have him as her first boyfriend! Regardless of how false that whole narrative rings to me as a viewer, this puts Rory in a position where she is always comparing Jess to Dean; by Rory’s own admission in 3x09 she says she feels like the town is watching them and she’s right, they are watching! There is this pressure put on her to have her life perfectly together, which is an impossible and even damaging standard to be placing onto any teenager. At this point, Lorelai is still heavily involved in Rory’s romantic life but because Lorelai plays friend more often than mother, she has always made her stance on Jess very clear and consequently, Rory doesn’t feel she can talk openly to her mother when she has issues with Jess and this is unfamiliar territory for Rory. In the first episode with Rory and Jess together, Lorelai is already saying things like, “But I never expected you to be with Dean forever, just like I don’t expect you to be with Jess forever.” As much as she says she’s supportive, Rory never actually feels her support. For these reasons, we don’t get to see much of Rory addressing or confronting her relationship with Jess throughout season 4 – we see her play it cool or “stoic” with Lorelai and the townies but we see it’s an act to some extent when talking with Lane in 4x22 or with Jess – “I have actually thought about this moment. A lot.” that whole speech she gives feels like it’s been something she’s been holding onto for a while and never been able to vocalise. Back to season 3: Rory feels she has to hide things from Jess like she did with Dean because she was always trying to avoid a fight with him (which is.....☹️), failing to realise that Jess is not Dean, and thus begins the miscommunication problems throughout their relationship. All of this to say... Rory has no other point of reference for relationships, so I understand where she is coming from during season 3!

Now for Jess we go back to the 3x07 for a moment: obviously this is all open to interpretation but he looks very surprised and also somewhat guilty during the very public Dean and Rory breakup, which I take to mean... he never wanted it to happen, nor expected it to happen, like this. Jess is very aware of how the town and everyone in it views him in comparison to Dean; there’s an insecurity there for Jess “She picked you.” / “God knows why.” because she never actually did choose him and he doesn’t particularly like himself very much at this point. Which brings me to the point that Jess was simply not in a place to be in a relationship – his communication issues were there before he ever got into a relationship with Rory because it’s easier to not deal with things and allow people to have a low opinion of you so that you don’t disappoint them. He really thought the dinner with Emily would be a one and done thing, which highlights both his inexperience with relationships but also his misconception that this relationship could be just him and Rory, see also: “I don't wanna talk to anybody else. I don't like anybody else.” As much as he may love Rory and Luke, they can’t be Jess’ sole support system and he has a lot of personal growing to do. If we are to assume Jimmy was always going to show up in late season 3, I think that’s something that Jess was always going to want to see through. He definitely makes efforts to do better, particularly after 3x15 (there is no way he or Luke didn’t hear that voicemail...) is when we actually see them at their most chill as they’re having movie nights, they’re talking about Rory’s future at Yale, Lane is supportive, Jess is ready to go to prom without complaints, etc. He went after Rory once she leaves the bedroom in 3x19 but the moment he sees Dean, he gives up and we’re back to the looming shadow that is Dean. Without that shadow, I think they could have at least ended things on better terms.

Rory saying, “I don’t want to deal with this.” after seeing Jess in his car in 4x12 really is a good summation of their romantic relationship lmao 🙃

That proposal really was so.........yikes!!

Yeah, I have never gotten the impression that Jess has been pining after Rory all these years. I remember coming onto the internet after watching AYITL and being so confused by how heated people were with regard to that parting look in Fall. From everything we saw – which was very little, admittedly – Jess seems very content with his life and in a place of stability, continuing to mature and better himself since the last time we saw him. For what it’s worth, my interpretation of The Window Look(tm) is that Jess meant it when he told Luke that he was over Rory, and it’s not something he had been consciously thinking about until he went to the window and was like, “Hm..........” and the fact that they hadn’t seen each other in so many years before Summer is actually kind of... reassuring to me? I guess in my mind, once they become consistent figures in each other’s lives then it becomes more difficult to understand why they aren’t together because it would progress into more. “What’s it been, four years?” / “Maybe more?” does not have to set their futures in stone, leaving no room for development.

I’ve probably said it before but the whole story of first, it was Rory offering Jess support when he was sorting himself out and lacking the stability for a relationship; then it’s Jess offering Rory support when she is sorting out her life and lacking stability is just a very compelling story for me! The parallels! The star-crossed aspect of it all! I would like to see it dot gif

#ask #like i REALLY could not have fit all that into the tags of my last gifset lmao #and now i need a slight break before i answer the next message in my inbox #fayesgifs #oh i messed up the read more #anti dean

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zahra-kha · 4 years ago

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Dear Diary 10

I got word back from the goldsmith’s guild. It’s uh, gonna take some time to get those charms made. Mostly because I can’t afford them all right away! I’m definitely going to have to take on more missions, I’m a lot more broke than I thought! I can at least get Tamala and Jasper’s made. Maybe Tala’s but then I’d be stretching my funds a little thin. I’ll do it in sets. I still haven’t gone to hunt for Cecilia’s - but I was gonna wait for Starlight anyway. Maybe I can save up and do all three of theirs for a Starlight gift. It’s getting close to that time. Only a few moons away.

It’s not like I couldn’t contact my parents and ask for the funds but...then it wouldn’t really be from me now would it? I want this to be something that’s from the heart as much as possible. I’d craft the pieces myself if I could! But better to leave that to the professionals.

Anyroad, Plume was amazing last night! There were so many amazing fights. I forgot to ask Conor about his lass he’s been courting! I wonder if he’s taken that wonderful lady on another date? He’s so adorable when he talks about her - people who have a special someone always have that glow to them. If it’s not the way their face lights up, it’s in their eyes or their demeanor. They just change and it’s nice to see. I love romance (obviously, look at my romance novel collection)!

Jasper and Tamala fought and that was...wet. Tamala escaped again but Miss Leih was pissed and that’s the second time she’s drenched the place so...I don’t think Tamala is gonna escape her wrath so easily this time. Jasper definitely not. I can’t tell if she likes Jasper or likes to make him suffer. Maybe both? He’s good for shedding blood so maybe it’s both.

They both fought well but...if I ever went against Jasper I’m definitely going to use my chakrams. It’s not that Tamala wouldn’t be a hard fight - because she would be. We have similar attributes, we both fight ranged (which would get annoying), and she’s nimble. I’d probably switch up my fighting style to deal with her and her rune magic.

I think with Jasper - I’d absolutely not want to hold back with him. Sahrin’s always drilled certain principles into me and trained me a certain way - but I’ve learned so much since coming here that I wonder if maybe Fitaan didn’t have a point before we left for Eorzea. The two get along great for the most part, but they’d sometimes argue about the direction of the troupe when it came to how we function regarding combat.

Fun fact: Our troupe was a lot larger and different before Sahrin took over! We were more focused on helping nobility via infiltration, subterfuge, and political intrigue with our performances and events. We weren’t the only troupe that was involved with the darker side of Radz-at-Han, but we were one of the few that pulled away from it completely after a long and bloody history. According to Fitaan, Sai, and a few others, Sahrin taking over caused a huge rift and many members left.

His huge shift to wanting to focus more on genuine performances and using combat to straight kill instead of remaining in the shadows went against a lot of what many of the members stood for. Sahrin wanted to face enemies head on, he didn’t see the need or necessity of playing games. The argument that doing that could possibly breed more need to cleanse people possessed by the totentanz. The subterfuge and deception were necessary to keep the negative emotions at bay. Death was inevitable, but the difference between a slaughter and a scene that looked like an unfortunate accident could change perspectives and outlooks, breeding less anger and fear.

I have no idea how strong or accurate their argument actually was, but it was enough for there to be an actual divide.

Regardless, I’m starting to wonder if maybe Sahrin’s hard handed approach isn’t the best one. He took me in and trained me, but since then I’ve been able to fight others and test my skills against them. I’ve been so scared to fight them, to hurt them, but I feel now if I hold back I’m the one in the wrong.

Besides that, I think it’s arrogant to think that way, too. There are people better than me, it’s vain to think just because I’ve been trained a certain way that they won’t be able to defend against my attacks.

Like in my fight with Zhao tonight. Oh...well that was...

Hm.

Disappointing.

She’s a good fighter, I’m not going to discredit that. But from what I’ve noticed of her she’s got a mouth and well. Yeah. It’s about the sharpest thing about her.

Imagine this: If the neighborhood dog barks at anyone when they come close, are you really gonna be all that phased when they bark at you when you come around?

That was my fight with Zhao.

She just...spits venom. It’s not even accurate venom - she called me a steppe barbarian just because I was using my fists. So I played the role and tried to make it entertaining because that’s what I do but really - it was hard to take her seriously after that. Girl, you have approximately 0 home training and manners and you’re going around calling people barbarians based solely off of their appearance and where you think they come from? I couldn’t even get mad, she sounded so ridiculous I decided to bully her.

She was boring with all that blah blah blah. The only good point she made was that my defense isn’t very good. I need to practice more. I’m still a novice when it comes to hand-to-hand. At least I won, I suppose, but it felt hollow when my opponent was so...ugh. But that’s a part of fighting too, I guess. Dealing with people like her who suck the fun out of fighting.

I bet if someone ends up reading this they’ll ask ‘why didn’t you try to be the bigger person and make her see you weren’t a barbarian’?

Why should I have? Is my counter. If she’s older than me and hasn’t figured out something as basic as ‘don’t judge people by appearances’ she’s beyond help. A five year old can grasp that.

#zahra's diary #ic

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superlinguo · 5 years ago

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Linguistics Jobs: Interview with a Software Engineer

Like today’s interviewee, Brooke Lynne Weaver, I worked through my undergrad degree. While not everybody is lucky enough to be able to do both study and work, it can be a useful way to develop skills beyond those in the classroom. I now use my coffee making skills only for self-caffeination, but cafe life taught me a lot about task prioritising and staying upbeat under pressure. Brooke used her work experience to move into Software Engineering, and uses her linguistics in her approach to her work, and her everyday life. Brooke is also on Twitter (@Milayou).

What did you study at university?

My degree is in English Language (Linguistics with an emphasis on the English language) from Brigham Young University in Utah, U.S.A. Basically, when we covered morphology, syntax, phonetics, phonology, sociolinguistics etc. it mostly focused on those applications in English, with some examples and work from other world languages. I also took a couple computer science classes and worked as a web developer while in school.

What is your job?

I'm a software engineer. Right now my job title is Platform Engineer, and at my last job it was Platform Architecture Engineer. I write code based on the needs of my company, which generally involves understanding the task you need the computer to perform autonomously, and doing a bunch of Googling to remind yourself (or learn) how to tell it to do that. You run the code, look for certain things to happen, tweak the code, run it again, look for different results, tweak it again, run it again etc. The ask from the company is generally as specific as humans tend to be, which is not nearly as specific as machines tend to be; you have to be on the lookout for instructions that should be given that were never expressly asked for by the company in order for everything to run smoothly. Our stack is mostly written in Python 2.7 but we're moving to Go, and the project I just finished up has parts written in both. It's really satisfying when you've finally communicated your message properly to the machine and it behaves accordingly.

I work for Vivint.SmartHome right now, doing home automation. I help the Vivint centralized system interact with peoples' homes and phones all over North America. When someone pulls up their Vivint app on their phone, it requests data from our platform. When they want to make changes to their smart home system, it interacts with our platform. Recently I've been helping migrate our Nest integration from using the (now deprecated) Works With Nest API to the new Google Home/Assistant API (a transition Google recently made public).

How does your linguistics training help you in your job?

I like to tell myself I went into translation, just between human and machine languages rather than from one human language to another. The things I learned studying linguistics help me in less obvious ways.

Knowing how flexible semantics is and how language changes so much across time and space, I feel like I'm a much better communicator than I was when I first started college. I'm a lot more flexible in interpretations and I care a lot more about getting to the root of what a person is trying to communicate, rather than what words they chose and what those words mean to me specifically. Communication is a pretty important part of writing software, because you're almost always trying to realize the ideas of other people. Knowing how to be confident you're on the same page as the people requesting your work is critical.

Linguistics also gave me a much better understanding for how important context is. I leave comments everywhere it makes sense to in order to help future engineers understand why I did certain things, which puts them in a better position to understand what to change down the line. It's very common to come across some code written a few years back that seems to make no sense at all (or seems like a bad way to do something), and if someone left a comment explaining why they wrote it that way at that time, you can better decide whether to leave it or in what ways to change it. The comment might say "Here's the current state of affairs and we need to do this weird thing to avoid this problem" and now, several years later, that problem is irrelevant or the current state of affairs has drastically changed; you might not need to do that thing in such a weird way anymore. You can then feel more confident about making your change. Or, maybe the state of affairs has not changed or the problem still exists and still needs to be avoided; you now have really important context and that weird thing might actually look logical now, or you know how to change it while still avoiding the problem it was originally trying to avoid. As an example, earlier this year I implemented a library I wasn't very familiar with in a pretty short amount of time. I left a comment explaining that if someone else was more comfortable with the library, they should feel free to rewrite it in a more idiomatic way; I explained what parts of it I wrote somewhat poorly due to lack of time and familiarity (something like "I know you should be able to do it like A, but I couldn't figure out how to get A to work so I did B instead which isn't as good but gives an acceptable result. It's not deliberately done this way for any other reason, so if you know how to do A, please change it."). A lot of times we try to change legacy code as little as possible, for fear of unknown downstream affects, because we weren't there when it was written and don't know why it was done the way it was; I hope by leaving context comments I can help future engineers feel more comfortable keeping the codebase clean and efficient.

Do you have any advice you wish someone had given to you about linguistics/careers/university?

I have some advice I was given that I think is valuable. I had a really hard time choosing a major field of study because I was interested in almost everything. A counselor reminded me that you can still have any hobby you like, regardless of what you study at university. I was afraid that by choosing something I was cutting myself off from other things, but that's not actually true. I still love playing the piano even though I didn't go into music, and I still love math even though I didn't go into mathematics.

Also, my university offered a lot of student jobs. These were jobs that were only allowed to be worked by students, which meant the barrier to entry was fairly low. I don't know if other universities offer student on-campus jobs, but if they do, I very much recommend them. I worked student jobs the entire time I was at school, which meant I graduated with seven years of work experience. Yes, it took me seven years to get my bachelor degree, but that work experience meant I had no trouble getting jobs after (and even before) I graduated. That said, maintaining a job while going to school is an awful lot of work and it's not the right path for everyone; everyone's situation is different, this just worked out well for me.

Any other thoughts or comments?

Besides how linguistics training helps me at work, it's made me a FAR better human. I'm a reformed pedant. I was really condescending and had a bit of a superiority complex about language when I was young. I was all about correcting and fixing people and being exasperated when people wrote or said things "wrong." Studying linguistics has given me a LOT of empathy and understanding and freed me from most of my pet peeves. My perspective on language and communication is so different now. I feel free. It's a far pleasanter experience to put your energy toward really understanding and being understood by a person than on looking down on people and discrediting their thoughts because they don't know how some dude in the 19th century wanted a part of English to work that doesn't even make sense anyway. I think a lot of unnecessary conflict comes from different groups of people having different understandings of certain words, and fighting over the definition of the word rather than over the real human issue at the heart of the debate. It would be nice if we taught language a little differently in schools, so more people could be aware of how semantic drift occurs and how different people can use the same word to mean different things, and that language change is okay and actually beautiful.

Recently:

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#language #linguistics #linguistics job #linguistics jobs #linguist jobs #lingjobs #careers #job #career #work

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sowingseedsandshootinghoops · 4 years ago

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How to Find Ways to Acknowledge the Experience of an “Other”

Note on the text: Self Made Man: One Woman’s Year as a Man by Norah Vincent as published by Penguin Books in 2007

Everyone has probably wondered at some time or another what it would feel like to be a member of the opposite sex. That’s what pushed Norah to create the character of Ned, and for a whole year she got a taste of what it feels like to be a man in the modern world. Now as someone who is a man, none of her revelations really surprised me. What did surprise me was her humility, specifically her ability to admit that even after a year of going through the world as a male that she still did not fully understand what the male experience is.

Let me try to be more specific. We live in a world full of people who are struggling to understand and empathize with each other. It seems like a lot of people’s knee jerk reaction these days is to simply discount and/or ignore what they cannot understand. So if one person comes forward and talks about his or her experience of the world, and that experience does not line up with another person’s experience of it, that second person is liable to do whatever they can to discredit the experience of the first. To call them crazy, or say that they are somehow mistaken, or that there is a another, easier explanation for what happened to that person that does not involve radically one’s word view.

It’s not had to see real world examples of this. In 2017 when the #MeToo movement took it really exposed the dark underbelly of American society. Everyone, especially men, were deeply disturbed at the amount of sexism faced by women every day. More than the acts themselves however, these stories revealed just how different a woman’s experience of the world is from a man’s. How their perception of the world, as a result of those experiences, differs greatly from ours. For too long, men have found ways to ignore the women who were brave enough to come forward and tell their stories. The stories they were telling did not match up with our experiences of men, and who we thought men were, and rather than try to adapt ourselves in such a way that we could account for their world view we just ignored it. It was easier that way. It was easier to ignore what the women were saying than it was to admit that there was a possibility that we were wrong, or that at least our perception of what men were was somehow incomplete. So we said that they were exaggerating, or that they needed to dress more conservatively, or that they were somehow “asking for it”. We even sought to blame them for men’s lustful thoughts. Which is just terrible. We thought that because we live in the same world as women, and encounter the same men that they do, that we knew what their experience of the world was, and that therefore we had the authority to simply discount any account of the world that did not line up with ours. Which, in case it wasn’t obvious, we don’t. Every person has a unique perception of the world because of the way in which they experience it, and that perception of the world is neither better nor worse than anyone else’s. Everyone’s experience of the world is equally valid, and to simply ignore another person’s account of the world because it does not line up with our own is extremely unjust.

A similar thing happened more recently in the aftermath of George Floyd’s murder and the Black Lives Matter movement. Although many people, including white people, were horrified when they saw the video of George Floyd, a defenseless black man, being murdered by a white cop, there were plenty of white people who struggled with who to incorporate what they saw on that video screen, and what other black people were telling them about their experiences with cops, with what they had experiences with cops were and what they “knew” cops to be. But again, rather than adapt their world view in such a way that they could incorporate what black people were saying about cops into their worldview regarding said cops, it was easier for those white people (again it was not all white people) to simply ignore the information that was being presented to them. They started saying things like “He must have done something to provoke those cops”, or “Racism? That’s not a thing anymore. We had a black president”. Again, any experience or worldview that does not line up with our own simply gets thrown out. Again, we assume that because we walk in the same world as black people physically, and even have experiences with the same cops that they do, that our experience with those cops must be the same as theirs and if it isn’t than it means that they are somehow wrong.

As a side note, before diving into the book itself, I’ve never understood how people can be so arrogant as to believe that they are right and everyone else is wrong. Such an extreme level of arrogance is both extremely infuriating and a more than a little confusing to me. I was in a record store once and stumbled upon a compilation album entitled “50,000,000 Elvis fans can’t be wrong”. Clearly there are people out there who disagree. But I’ve never understood how someone can be so confident in what they think they know that they are willing to completely discredit, and outright ignore, what is being told to them by tens of thousands of others. Do they really think that every black person, every woman etc in the world has gotten together and conspired to them all the same lie? Isn’t easier to assume instead that there must be some truth to what they are saying even if you cannot understand it? Doesn’t Occam’s razor apply as much here as it does anywhere else? I simply don’t understand. . . .

Regardless, I doubt anyone has gone through the same amount of trouble to put themselves in the shoes of another person as Norah did. For her to spend a year living as a male in order that she might be understand the male experience is extraordinary. So it surprise me to see the level of humility that she showed when describing what she experienced as Ned. She knew that her experiences were her own, that her perception of what it means to be a man were her own, and she didn’t use her own experience to discredit the experience of other people, especially other men:

Nothing I say here will have any value other except as one person’s observations about her own experience. What follows is just my view of things, myopic, and certain inapplicable to something [as] grand as a pronouncement of gender in American society. My observations are full of my own prejudice and preconceptions though I have tried as much as possible to qualify them accordingly. This book is a travelogue. . . a woman’s eye view of one guy’s approximated life, not an authoritative guide to the vast and variegated terrain of manhood in America (17).

In other words she knows and is willing to admit that, despite her intense amount of research and the way that she completely submerged herself in this research project, that she does not have the right to discount the experiences of others, especially other males, even if those experiences directly contradict her own. This is surprising especially when you consider the fact that there are a lot of people out there that are not willing to make the same concession despite the fact that they have never even tried to actually walk in the shoes of another person. Those people who discount the experiences of black people, women, members of the LGBT community etc, have never tried as hard to walk around in their world as Norah did to try and walk around in the world of men. To some extent, it would have made sense if she wanted to pound her chest and declare that she had learned something absolute about the world of men and that anyone who disagreed with her was wrong. The fact that she didn’t is extremely impressive.

It is high time to stop discrediting the experiences of those who are different to us. It’s hard sometimes to incorporate those worldviews and merge them with our own, but that does not mean that they should be ignored. No one person’s worldview is inherently better than another’s. They’re just different. There’s a story about a bunch of men who enter into a cave that is pitch black to touch an elephant. Every man touches a different part, one touches the tusks, another the ears, another the elephant’s feet etc, and when they get out they all have contradictory opinions of what an elephant is based on the part of the elephant that they touched. They all had a distinctly different experience of the elephant, but none of them were really wrong. They were just limited by the amount of information given to them through their experience, just as we all are. We are all limited in the number of things that we can experience about the world, and therefore are limited in what we can directly learn about it. That is why it is so important than we listen to each other and not simply ignore what the other person says. They might simply be touching a different part of the elephant called life

#norahvincent #metoo #blm #georgefloyd #experience #listentoeachother #everyoneisunique #selfmademan

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bigskydreaming · 5 years ago

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Like, the thing you guys gotta understand is my loud opinions are far more defense mechanism than they are “I think I am right and nobody else is ever and people should listen to me only.”

Nah. They’re literally just me being as loud and as visible with the stuff that matters the most to me as is possible....because that actually minimizes the flack I catch for y’know...stuff I’m truly passionate about believing.

For example, my online behavior and tendencies in fandom on tumblr specifically....were largely shaped by my experiences in Teen Wolf fandom. Where I started out being as civil as possible wherever possible, and gradually got louder and angrier over time because THAT DIDN’T MATTER. Its why tone policing is bullshit, through and through. Because the real issue was never HOW I was saying what I was saying, it was what I was saying at all.

See, I flat out don’t like the fandom fave Stiles, as he’s portrayed on the show, and never did. Not from day one. He bothered the fuck out of me from the pilot. And this is a very controversial opinion in TW fandom, and was far more so back when I was first becoming ‘known’ in fandom, whatever the fuck that means or is even worth (seriously, its not worth a lot. You guys, stop putting so much weight in the visibility of more ‘well known’ bloggers....that doesn’t directly translate into the influence you think it does, especially when those bloggers are still holding what the majority of a fandom deems ‘unpopular’ opinions).

But back in my early TW days, I wasn’t really ‘known’ at all, for my blog and my opinions on the show. I was better known for my fics, which at the beginning, I was writing and updating fairly quickly. I’ve published somewhere just shy of 100,000 words of TW fanfic....and the vast majority of that was all written in just the first year or two in fandom.

And the thing is, for people who just found me on Ao3 and not on my blog originally....they weren’t as immediately aware of my bias against Stiles. Because I hate bashing ANY characters in fic. Even ones I don’t like, because the point of fanfic for me, is to FIX my personal issues with the source material, improve on the things *I* especially dislike....so even though I dislike Stiles on the show, in my better known TW fics, he was still present, and I was still trying to be as true to his core characterization as possible, WHILE addressing what I considered his core problem areas.

The kicker being.....a LOT of Stiles-fans LIKED my fanfic depiction of Stiles. A lot of S/terek fans included. You look at my TW fics like Where Wild Things Are or Lightning Crashes in particular....you’re gonna find a LOT of comments from self-proclaimed S/terek fans and Stiles stans....and those are just the ones I didn’t delete when I was forced to aggressively moderate my comments when a lot of those same commenters got loud and angry at me.

Which they did see....once they started connecting my Ao3 account to my blog, and my opinions on the show in general, which were starting to be more widespread in fandom due to some better known mutuals. I mean, its not like it was a big secret. My Ao3 pen name for my Teen Wolf fic is bigskydreamin’. It....wasn’t really anything I felt I needed to clarify, lmao.

But once people realized that the very same writer they liked for his take on Stiles very vocally disliked the show’s Stiles because of behaviors and scenes that I quote unquote deemed abusive (which I do, and stand by to this day).....they went fucking APESHIT on me. Like.....I can not even TELL you the extent of the nasty comments, anons, emails and reviews I got from some of the very same people who previously were glowing in their praise of my fics, especially the Stiles scenes.

All because I didn’t like the show’s depiction of certain behaviors and toxic dynamics, and set out to improve these things in my fic while being true to the characterizations....and which they had LIKED....until they realized my take didn’t come from a place of “oh I think Stiles is just the best.”

And then the fateful day came when one of them flat out asked me why I didn’t ship S/terek and if I would ever write S/terek....

And I had the balls to answer honestly. LOL. I wasn’t even insulting or offensive...just blunt. I told the person that I have serious issues with S/terek because of the power dynamics and the way they’re romanticized within fandom and most fics rather than called out and addressed, and I said I would never have any interest in tackling these topics myself in any kind of S/terek fic because my own past with abuse makes the ship just inherently unappealing to me because of how I perceive it, and I feel zero desire to ‘fix’ a thing I wouldn’t want on any level to begin with.

And they went and told all their friends and lol, RIP the rest of my TW years - and this was probably back in like, Year Two of my time in TW fandom. For a more accurate estimate, look for when I lost the will to update my big fics, because like. What was the point? Any positive reaction I got from updates at the time was just drowned out by the hate I got for adding to a story many of them were still reading, judging by the way my hit counts were still pretty steady with what they’d been with previous updates.....but that at the same time, they were heaping all kinds of shit on me for just....having opinions they didn’t like at the same time as I wrote stuff they still DID like.

The juxtaposition of those two things....lol. Man. Its a trip, I’ll tell you that.

And to be honest, the same thing has been happening ever since I started being more involved in Batfandom. You guys know how I reblog a lot of my own posts? That’s not something I used to do like, ever in TW fandom...because all the content I was making then was fresh. But I’ve always been a fan of Dick Grayson even while I was knee deep in TW fandom, so my longtime followers can tell you....I’ve been making these posts about him all along. A lot of my more popular Dick Grayson posts were written years ago, before I started getting active in this fandom....which only really happened over last summer.

And the difference in TONE in a lot of my posts, is a lot of the ‘tamer’ posts.....which express the exact same viewpoints I have as in my more heated posts.....is because my ‘tamer’ posts were written as one-offs that I just wrote in passing while in a fandom that generally didn’t have any interest in my Batfamily musings....which did not at all stop me from still making those posts from time to time....because I don’t post ANYTHING for the sake of getting notes. Its literally just shit that’s on my mind, that I want to put out there for people to do whatever the hell they feel like doing with them.

And so most of the posts I reblog, that seem more ‘mild’....its because I wrote them years ago, they got like maybe ten notes at the time, lol, and I’m reblogging them now because I have more of a platform and think they’d still be of interest to fans of that content specifically....but the stark tone difference is because when I wrote THOSE....nobody was jumping on my back the second I hit post to tell me how obviously wrong and stupid I was for not getting this or that or that and having this opinion on this character or just “caring too much about fictional characters.”

Like, you get what you give, people. You throw shit at me, eventually, I’m gonna start throwing shit back, and no, you don’t get to be pissed about that when all the evidence is there that I’m MORE than capable AND willing to have a good time just by myself....and more than happy to have people join in....as long as nobody’s being a douchebag. But if you get your douchebaggery on and start making my life hell....I’m gonna start raising my voice, because that shit fucking sucks.

The sheer vitriol I got for simply stating that I have no interest in writing a S/terek dynamic I see as inherently toxic due to the inherent power imbalances, BECAUSE of my own history as an abuse and rape survivor, which I was frank about.....it blows my mind. People are literally OFFENDED that in response to questions THEY asked me, I said....I do not like this thing, because of how it affects my feelings about my own trauma.

Like, for years I have gotten monthly hatemail in my asks for spreading toxicity and hate through the TW fandom and ‘hurting real abuse/rape survivors by misleading people and calling S/terek pedophilic and misusing terms like that’....

And the utterly hilarious thing (in that not at all sort of way), is I have never ONCE called S/terek pedophilic, or anyone who ships it a pedophile. Never. Once!

You know why? Its not even because of my own personal view on whether or not that’s an accurate label for that ship....its because IT WASN’T EVEN RELEVANT TO THE SPECIFIC CRITICISMS I’VE ALWAYS FOCUSED ON MAKING.

Like, I literally never even got AROUND to expressing whether or not I thought that was a label that applies to that ship, because I’ve always had plenty of thoughts just purely on the specific power imbalances as I break them down in my view of that pairing....REGARDLESS of what you label those power imbalances. I don’t fucking CARE about the terminology. My concern has never once been what the fuck you call it, so I never made it ABOUT what anyone calls it, and purely focused on why I think it isn’t healthy just in specific terms.....and yes, pulled from my own personal experience and knowledge of abuse to back up why I feel that way, and to clarify why I feel so strongly about it.

But does any of this matter? Nope. Because all people cared about when directing hate my way for my oh so controversial opinions was not what was accurate to my views, but what was effective in discrediting them.

And the same shit is already happening in Batfandom, and its obnoxious, and tired, and yeah, its why I’m already kinda coming out of the gate hot and heavy, because within like....less than two months of me starting to post more regularly about Batfam specific content and getting some followers who have large fandom presences and boosted my posts to a pretty broad fandom circulation....

Its like, welcome to TW fandom, rinse and repeat.

Hardly any of the actual flack I’ve gotten in this fandom so far has anything whatsoever to do with my opinions on the Batfam....its almost all about the fact that I don’t like noncon/pedophilia/incest fics and am critical of the permissive attitude fandom spaces have cultivated around this stuff. And of the fact that I think the culture of false positivity fandom spaces try to enforce at the expense of marginalized fans who try to speak up about their experiences with racism and other forms of oppression and bigotry online, like, is similarly bullshit. Like, the thing people don’t like me for most of all, is that I’m LOUD and OPINIONATED about saying that these things specifically, fucking suck, and here are my own personal experiences that make me feel that way.

And notice the lack of actual argument with my actual posts. Notice how its all about ME....my volume....my ‘irrationality’....my obvious mental health issues (I’ve heard that one a couple times already, lol - no shit, I’m ADHD, have longterm PTSD, and a literal lifetime’s worth of trauma I’m still actively unpacking and sorting through, lol, what the fuck was the revelation in me having mental health issues? I’m not shy about it, and I don’t use it as an excuse for being an asshole.....guess what? I’m an asshole sometimes, and I can absolutely point to when and where I’ve been one. I’m not hiding it, and I’m not hiding behind mental illness).

Plus, y’know there’s my ‘fake wokeness’ because a white man can’t have any possible reasons or experiences that lead to him choosing to prioritize supporting people of color in fandom over other white people while still firmly being motivated by things that are born of his own life and his own lane, and just *gasp* happen to make me care more about certain shit than other white people do, like.....I’m as transparent as I am about my feelings and motivations for a REASON. I’m not UNAWARE of any of this or how I come across.....the thing so many of you don’t get is that none of this is a multiple choice test where you have to circle the right answer and you pass, you’re a good ally or a good influence or a good person.....all of this is just life. Its just us all making choices and everyone else reacting to those choices in whatever the hell way they choose.

I’m not trying to win any points with anybody.....if I DID care about cultivating my own influence in fandom, I MORE than have the communication skills to couch my most controversial opinions in language that would be more palatable to the MOST influential corners of fandom, draw more people in, be less alienating or distancing to people who have a kneejerk defensive reaction to a lot of the things I say....like, however influential I may or may not be in various fandoms and various fandom circles....I am perfectly aware of how I could say or do things differently to have MORE influence in broader reaching circles....I just fucking hate that kind of game playing.

I’m the opposite of trying to win points....I just want the people who are around me and who follow me to actually RESPECT me enough to fucking listen to me and what I have to say....because otherwise, how do either of us even benefit? What’s the point? Who’s gaining anything from any interaction?

So yeah. I’m loud, and vocal, and opinionated....I say exactly what’s on my mind and I don’t apologize for it. I’m an asshole to people who are an asshole to me first, and sometimes I fuck up and I’m an asshole to people who don’t deserve it. And if you call me on that and I pull my head out of my ass soon enough to notice in time that you’re right and I owe you an apology, I’ll do that! And if you don’t want to call me on it and choose to take the offense I caused as a reason not to follow me or interact with me any further....that’s perfect valid and understandable too, and absolutely your right! Do what you need to do for you!

But the one thing that will never ever ever win you any points with me and that I just despise more than anything....is the fundamental lack of awareness, and lack of respect for me and what I’ve lived through....that the S/terek readers of mine who started the chain of events that led to me settling on my current approach to interacting with fandoms.

That thing where some people in various fandoms think its perfectly acceptable and reasonable to like some of my fan content....but then get pissed and upset with me because I don’t like all of the same things you do, think all of the things you do, and am judgmental about various ships you might have or fics you might read or write......and then take this out on me.

Nuh uh. Not okay. Never okay. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, I DO NOT SIT THERE AND TAKE THAT SHIT.

Because the thing the people this describes seem incapable or unwilling to grasp is....

For all your talk of “don’t like/don’t read” and telling me and other survivors to take responsibility for curating our own fandom content and experiences and avoiding things that might trigger us....

Even when I TRY and do that to the absolute BEST of my ability.....some of you still get pissed at me and go on the offensive because I don’t want to interact or be around certain content or people who are inspired to create that content....because of what it brings up for me, because of my various past traumas.

Like, that’s what it boils down to, IN MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. People liking what I have to say, until I say I don’t like something they don’t like and here’s why....and then its open fucking season, because how dare I not want to associate with them because that association is likely to expose me to triggering things they also at the same time expect me to take responsibility for avoiding, so as not to blame anyone else for my exposure to such things.

Can you please maybe understand why that fundamentally DOES NOT FUCKING WORK??

And is not only utterly unreasonable, but offensive to ask of someone who’s just trying to participate in fandom and have a good time and simply STATE when and where relevant, that there are things that impact my ability to have a good time, just as there are things that impact the ability of other fans to enjoy themselves alongside you as well?

Or are we ever going to get around to some people admitting that their fandom experiences have absolutely nothing to do with caring about the ‘community’ people swear up and down exists, and solely prioritize their own personal enjoyment, and FUCK everyone else? (While meanwhile, also being all: but why aren’t they making more of the stuff that I at least was enjoying when they weren’t bitching about not having fun here?’ LOL. Can’t ever forget that part.)

Its just.

You all are fucking exhausting sometimes, I swear. And that doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere, because I have as much right to be here as anyone, and I DO still manage to have a good time a lot of the time in spite of this crap, but that’s never gonna stop me from saying I have a right to have more of a good time and less of a literally triggered time, if any of you might ever care to prioritize that for me as much as you ask me to prioritize your good times for you.

This isn’t me doing anything other than saying....you all are fucking exhausting sometimes, I swear. Because sometimes, I just want to say that. Sometimes, it feels good to say that. And at every time, I have every damn right to say that in any way, shape or form I want to say it, at any volume I want to say it at, because none of this is me yelling at anyone, it is every single one of us sitting safe and comfortable in front of a screen of some kind, reading someone else express themselves and deciding how we want to take that expression and what’s being expressed, and how we want to react or not react in turn.

Like....just...its that fucking simple. That is literally all so much of this fucking ‘discourse’ is. People experiencing life in different ways than other people, and some people wanting to improve their experiences, some people wanting their experiences to stay just the way they are, some people wanting to ignore every experience that doesn’t fit their expectations or desired interactions, and other people just.....idk, just being fucking high, let’s face it, half the shit on this site is just plain weird and I like to assume the best of humanity and just chalk it up to half this site’s user base being high as fuck most of the time they post, LOL.

*Shrugs* Congrats if you actually read all the way through to the end of this post....like....this is where I reiterate...I have ZERO expectations for this post. I have NO clue how people will react to it, how many or how few people will take it in the way I want it to be taken, especially because *I* don’t even know how I want it to be taken or what I would like to come of it. This is literally just me saying shit that is on my brain in response to my own personal experiences on this site and in this fandom. It is utterly, 100% up to you guys to decide what you do with it from here.

If I have one want for all fandoms, I guess it would just be.....for people to look to their own behavior and motivations and choices and take responsibility for their own shit before projecting onto other people and expecting them to do all of that while still refusing to do any of it themselves.

Too many people keep trying to drive one way on what are supposed to be two-way streets, and being shocked when that repeatedly results in collisions, pileups, accidents and blatant hit and runs.

We all live in a society.

Quit treating other members of that society like they only exist to cater to your existence alone.

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iambloop · 5 years ago

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The Great Divide

The label of ‘intellectual’ in today’s world carries within it the idea that they are people who shift from theory to theory, as required, to justify any stand they wish to take at a given point of time. It divorces the idea of intelligence from its practical manifestation, but it does not stop there. It comes around, in a circle, to prove that there is no one intelligent at all — that the intelligent are simply those who have learnt to weaponize language to create an illusion of legitimacy for the ideas that they would like to propagate. In other words, in today's larger culture, intelligence is viewed as merely a tool to offer legitimacy to a particular kind of propaganda. Facts as they are defined no longer exist; they have been substituted by data, numbers, statistics - figures whose meaning morphs depending on how you see them, with an absolute lens or a relative one. Instead of facts, we now find irreconcilable narratives, narratives whose legitimacy depends upon its appeal to existing views.

Depending upon which end of the spectrum you find some comfort in, you will find that the answer given to explain this polarization is the same regardless of your politics. The answer is to make a ‘rational’ appeal to the definition of the intellectual provided at the beginning of this piece. It begins by planting a seed of doubt, of suspicion towards the ‘other’, to make the claim that instead of their politics having a basis in rational argument, they have simply chosen the argument that is most aligned with what they already believe to be true.

This line of argumentation can lead to an infinite and irreconcilable chain. In so far as there is no objective criteria to determine right from wrong, true from false, in so far as knowing has become impossible, the dialectical method fails because it becomes possible to question each agent and make the same claim against them that has been made above - to each argument, this counter argument is applicable, and for each counter argument, this is a valid counter-counter argument.

At the heart of it, this is an ‘ad hominem’ argument - a digression takes place, shifting the focus from the claims to the person making those claims, to discredit the legitimacy of their argument. It is considered to be a fallacious argument, and on the surface, it seems to be, but there is more to say about this. Outside the framework of ‘legitimacy’ of arguments, one must recognize the importance of stating the identity of the people making these claims. To pretend otherwise is to detach the political from the personal - no logic is based on some truth that is removed from who we are as people. Our inclinations towards certain premises stem from our lived experiences, and one can debate over the validity of these premises but one cannot debate over another’s lived experiences - you have not lived my life, and I have not lived yours. This is not an original idea - these are postmodernist ideas, and I believe what we see today is an incomplete, inhuman culmination of the same line of thought.

A curious fact of this situation is that while the argument described above equally applies to ‘us’ as well, it seems to be used selectively only against the ‘other’ - this is true, regardless of your politics. We are witnessing, at large, unprecedented polarization - perhaps it seems unprecedented only because today we have the ability to curate our media consumption like never before. For all its promise of ‘connecting’ the world, social media seems to lend itself better to fragmentation - society is breaking up into clusters of like minded individuals, and while people within these clusters continue to grow closer, these clusters are moving further apart. We consume the news we want to consume and talk to people who share our political views, and we do not allow ourselves to be challenged. For the select few who continue to expend energy on challenging and being challenged, these arguments often seem to end with a diplomatic and unsatisfying note - “I respect your view, you have every right to believe that.” The sentence implicitly carries a refusal to budge - it is the representation of surrender to an inertia that even the best of us carry, an expression of the fact that we have either failed to convince or be convinced - either way, it did not matter. It appears that even for those who value discourse, discourse has become fruitless.

While we have developed a crude understanding of the role of individuals in polarization, there is another generalized (incomplete) perspective to understand what is happening. For this, it is important to become familiar with two related ideas - the paradox of tolerance, and the horseshoe theory.

The paradox of tolerance states that in order to maintain a tolerant society, the society must be intolerant of intolerance. The argument underlying this idea is even more confusing than the statement above, but the essence is what matters - a group protects its existence by being intolerant to the ideas that threaten it. The degree to which it is tolerant (or intolerant) may vary, but it holds true for all social groups - to exist, we must struggle against that which threatens our existence. The horseshoe theory states that far-left and far-right behave like two ends of a horseshoe bending towards each other - even though they technically lie at opposite ends of the spectrum they closely resemble one another, particularly in their authoritative and totalitarian tendencies . In essence, this supports the idea we arrived at from the paradox of tolerance - in so far as a particular ideology, movement or group is concerned, there is a strong tendency to respond to criticism or opposition by refusing to entertain it in any serious capacity, simply because these serve as a threat to the existence of the group itself. From this, it may seem like polarization is an unavoidable and natural consequence of the existence of groups with opposing ideas. I reject this - instead, I hold that polarization is a consequence of the existence of groups with opposing ideas only if its members claim membership by attaching themselves to the underlying ideas. Perhaps it is not possible to remain in a constant state of flux with regard to beliefs, but the higher the degree to which a group avoids criticism, the closer that group tends towards becoming a cult.

The limitation of this piece is its inability to find any substantial or useful answers. I don’t have those, but I have a partial one, my own. A useful tool in bridging the extensive gaps between our echo chambers is to place greater emphasis on the human aspect of the political, of the logical. I believe that adherence to some unobservable, unknowable objective truth is driving us further away from each other. At the core of this problem is dissonance - it is our inability to hold two contradictory truths at once, to acknowledge and be honest to our lived experience while extending sincere (not cosmetic) sympathy and respect to the ideas of those around us. On the surface, it almost seems circular - what is the solution to polarization? Of course, it is less polarization. The inability to communicate effectively and respectfully is both, a symptom as well as a cause of this disease that plagues our society. We see ourselves as people, we see our views being formed through authentic, sincere lived experience and knowledge, while we diminish the ‘other’ - there is refusal to acknowledge their humanness and there is a tendency to reduce them to their ideological views. It is not clear to me what the role of fascists is, if any, in creating these circumstances, but it is evident that they benefit from such a social landscape. We’re watching in horror as the world mirrors the events of the last century, and only time will tell if those lessons will have to be learnt again. Until then, and of course this seems too simple, but it’s all that any of us can do against these great powers and the great divide - be kind. An idea is useful only in the value that it brings to people and society - historically, attachment to an idea for the sake of it has led to great disasters. Devotion to abstractions, devotion that makes us see people as less than, that is our age - ours is an age of attachment to ideas. In other words, ours is an age of polarization.

#ideas #polarization #blog #political

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lokiofnone · 6 years ago

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When Hel Freezes Over

Balder the Brave was not unfamiliar with death. His demise was foretold by the Norns even before he was born as the first sign of Ragnarok, and despite everything in the ten realms swearing an oath to do him no harm, he had fulfilled that role several times throughout the centuries. Much to his dismay.

Now that the Ragnarok cycle had been handily ended by his brother Thor, he was finding his most recent death to be more permanent than the others. Hela’s dark domain was not a place that he had ever delighted in being, and the thought of staying forever brought him a level of melancholy that could only be increased exponentially when his long lost sister, Angela, had overthrown the selfsame queen of Hel and appointed him command in her stead.

He took no pride in the crown, but bore it with austerity all the same.

‘Twas a grim task to lead the unworthy dead, but as an Odinson, he knew there were none better equipped for it. Still, walking the silent halls of the palace every morning to the throne chamber, he couldn’t help feeling a chill set into his bones that went far beyond mere physical sensation.

That grim feeling was amplified today by the sound of voices emanating from his destination. Two voices, one belonging to Brün of the Disir, if he wasn’t mistaken. The second he would recognize at any distance, for it belonged to the very same god who had put him here. His jaw tightened as he entered the hall to find Loki draped across the throne of Hel, idly swinging her leg back and forth as she chatted with the valkyrie.

“So I told Sigurd, if you really wanted to -” The trickster was cut off as Balder entered, his crown cutting a dramatic figure across the room. “Ah! Brother of mine.”

Loki wasn’t an uncommon visitor in Niflheim, given how many acquaintances and family members dwelled within the realm of the dead. Still, every time she visited, she would see Balder grow even more stiff than usual, and she couldn’t help but smile.

“What is it, Loki?” Balder asked stiffly as he crossed the room toward the other god, “I don’t have time for your games today.”

“No, I imagine you wouldn’t. What with the impending war, hundreds of thousands of corpses to tend, and all that time you must spend practicing keeping those horns on your head,” Loki put a hand to her chin thoughtfully, “What’s the secret? Good posture must help.”

“You’d know little about that, sister. You’re in my seat.”

Loki traced her fingers idly down the ebony throne. “Oh? But it seems as though it’s my seat, due to the fact that my butt is in it. I’ve more claim to it than you, that’s for certain.”

Balder’s eyes shot to Brün, who responded with her usual milky white gaze. “You mean to take it?” Whenever Loki went talking about thrones and crowns, trouble was sure to ensue. He rested his hand on the pommel of his sword, prepared to draw it forth if necessary. To his surprise, and slight dismay (though he would never say it), Loki responded by throwing her head back in laughter.

“Of course not!” She responded after a moment, wiping a tear from her eye. “This place is far too dower and droll for the likes of me, and we’re both well aware that I’m hardly leadership material.”

What an understatement.

Before Balder could decide whether or not to believe her, Loki swung her legs the right way round, standing from the throne with her arms outstretched. “No, dear brother, I have not come to steal your crown...this time,” She shot him a conspiratorial wink, “Rather, I’m here to make you an offer.”

Having grown up with Loki, Balder knew the sure signs of something that he would later regret. “I’d sooner bargain with a pit of vipers. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Don’t be so hasty! Is it really so bad just to listen?”

“Yes.”

“Granted, I set myself up for that.”

Balder was very ready for this conversation to end. “If that’s all, then please leave. I have more important business to attend.”

Loki spread her hands in defeat, heaving a sigh. “Yes, you certainly are a busy man, and it would be remiss of me to hold your attention longer than necessary. So, if you really don’t want to know when Malekith is planning on invading…”

“And how would you know that?” This was obvious bait. Obviously. “Have you joined forces with the dark elves again?”

“With my reputation?” Loki snorted, “You jest! Malekith trusts me even less than you do, which is a feat that deserves merit. I shan’t reveal my sources, but I assure you, the information is genuine. Or did you think that the League of Realms had been staving off the destruction of Alfheim all this time all on their own? Not to discredit their merits, but running in with swords and hammers after the fighting has already started doesn’t make for a winning war stratagem.”

Balder hesitated only a second to think. When dealing with his youngest sibling, a second was all he could spare. “What is it that you know?”

An unsettling grin parted Loki’s lips as they took a small skip to the side, gesturing widely. “Oh, I’m so glad you asked! What I know, dear Balder, is that you currently find yourself in possession of the lands which once were ruled by my own dearly beloved daughter. I’m hardly one to speak of stealing from family, but really, it is rather cold.”

Already he regretted allowing this to go on. Already he could scarcely keep the expression of agitation from his face. “Angela appointed me after fairly challenging-”

“Yes, Angela! Our dear sister. Far be it from me to speak ill of her, but this whole thing was really a pretty bad call, wasn’t it?” Loki skirted around the throne, trailing her fingers along the dark stone. “I mean, I love her more than you, but she is new around here. Spent her whole life sequestered in Heven, away from the other realms. The angels know nothing of our ways, our politics, our beliefs - and let’s face it, they don’t entirely match us stylistically. Invading Hel to save her girlfriend is one thing, but who is she to make decisions for people that she knows nothing about? Not that she has any care for politics. She only picked you as her successor because you were nearby.”

“What is your point?” Balder wouldn’t admit that Loki was right, much less that it stung ever so slightly. “I hear your silver tongue wagging, but saying little.”

“You’re a man of action, Balder. You always have been. I’ll cut to the chase,” She crossed her arms over the back of the throne, resting her chin in one upturned palm. “You don’t belong here at all. Not really. Not even in passing, and certainly not as king. I don’t mean to be insulting, but really - the god of light, in the realm of darkness? The very nature of your being is diametrically opposed to the fabric of this realm. Has it not occurred to you that there is a reason why your unrighteous death heralds the end, beyond that an old bat in a cave said so?”

Loki left the throne, making a slow and winding trail between them. “And while we’re on the subject, I personally can’t believe how many times I’ve gotten away with murdering you. Oh, I know it’s a sore subject, but really. The Ragnarok prophecies were written well before either of us were born. Everyone knew it would happen the first time, and they certainly knew it would happen all the following times. Why then have I never been stopped?” She stepped around her stalwart brother, gesticulating widely. “Noble Balder. Gentle Balder. Beloved by all things in the realm of the living, but doomed to waste away with the dead. But I don’t need to tell you how tragic that is, now do I?”

She could go on like this all day, but she knew that wouldn’t help. Some focus was necessary. “Can’t you feel it? A sense of wrongness? A chill in your gut? You know that Hel is no place for you, and the war of the realms is coming. Malekith’s malice threatens even these halls. Can you say with utmost certainty that your subjects will follow you into war? The murderers and the murdered? You have such a distaste for death, and the dead know better than any what exactly you are made of.” Loki swung around his other side, pointing to Brün, who was studying her sword very carefully. “And what of your valkyrior? The lovely Brün and her sisters? They who were tortured by our grandfather, abandoned by the Ever-Glorious Sigurd, beat down and harmed and hated by men for millenia untold. They found freedom in serving Hela, a strong and proud queen. How can you expect these shieldmaidens to follow a man? You can’t rely on this place, or these people, to respect one who never truly belonged among them. Malekith is coming, and Niflheim will fall.”

Balder looked down at his own feet for a few long moments. His hand gripped his sword just a bit tighter...how easy it would be to just stop listening. “Are you going to tell me when?”

“Oh!” Loki exclaimed, “I did imply that, didn’t I? No, sorry to inform, I won’t be telling you that. I did, however, mention an offer. One that it would be in your best interests to take.”

“What could you possibly offer me, snake?” Balder scoffed, finally crossing to his vacant throne with a few long strides.

“Well...your life, of course.” Loki’s face spread into a maniacal grin.

He had no doubt that she could accomplish this, so the question then was, “In exchange for what?”

“The throne, of course. Not for me. For my sweet daughter. I’m not generally a fan of nepotism, but it was hers in the first place, so…” She spread her hands as if in defeat.

Balder fixed her with a level stare. “Hela hasn’t been seen in the realms since she was deposed, and regardless, she is an evildoer on par with her parents. She would sooner see us all join her legions than assist Asgard against Malekith.”

“Ouch! That’s cold, brother. Perhaps true, but cold nonetheless. Still, it is rather presumptuous. Asgard won’t enter the war until they absolutely have to. You know how dear old dad is - won’t lift a finger to help his subjects until the trouble is at his own doorstep. The souls of Hel can rely on no one but themselves for salvation, and none love the dead more than Hela. She commanded the whole realm all on her own, and you can barely manage it with a fleet of valkyries and a crusty old war god.” Loki gave a small chuckle, “Also, did I mention that I’d be returning you to life? I thought that would be rather enticing.”

Balder put a hand to his mouth in silent contemplation while Loki danced about in place. After what seemed an eternity to the trickster, he replied, “No. I can’t in good conscience accept this. I will simply have to work harder to unite the factions of Niflheim myself.”

Loki’s shoulders slumped in a small pout. “That’s not what I wanted to hear at all! I was really hoping you’d see reason, so I wouldn’t have to get nasty. But look at what you’ve done now! You’ve left me no choice.”

With a flourish, she materialized a glowing blue crystal. “The light elves have only been escaping Malekith by the skin of their pointy little ears. He is quite annoyed with this fact,” She began twirling the ball around her fingers. “Alfheim was first on his hit list, but it seems fate is pulling their fat out of his teeth time and time again. If only he knew why!”

Balder sighed heavily.

“Fate isn’t on his side, and thus,” Loki tossed the ball to Balder, who caught it deftly. “Fate must be removed from the equation.”

The weary king gazed at his sibling, brow furrowed. The orb in his hand showed the very bottom of a great tree - the great tree. Vanaheim, then. At the base of the world tree, where the Norns wove the fabric of the world. Beyond Yggdrasil, lights. Fire. Smoke. Something approached. At the foot of the tree, standing alone, was Karnilla.

“I believe you’ll recognize my former companion, the Norn queen.” Loki continued, “Though she spurned our alliance long ago in favor of your love.”

Had his heart been beating, it would have stuttered. “What is this?”

The horned god smiled. “It’s a story, brother. The story of her death.”

Balder rose, extending the blue orb to Loki. “Stop it. Whatever you’re doing, just stop.”

“Why, I’m doing nothing at all. What you see in yon crystal is merely the machinations of the dark elf king and his council. You see, he promised the CEO of Roxxon that he could have Vanaheim, for his industry, and coincidentally in doing so, he can rid himself of Nornish intervention. All I have done is told you the complete and utter truth.”

Attempting to swallow the bile in his throat, Balder looked between Loki and the crystal. “We must do something.”

“We?” Loki raised her eyebrows in amusement, “There is no we. You can’t leave - not without forfeiting your throne, and I have no stake in this whatsoever. I’m not exactly the biggest fan of those hags, you know. Agger can set them ablaze for all I care. Of course, I could potentially do something about it, if I had reason to.”

Balder took a step back. “There it is. Your tricks truly never end, do they sister?” He cast his eyes about the throne room. The dark and the cold seemed to permeate each of his senses. Saving Karnilla was invaluable, of course, but this was about more than just the two of them. If the Norns fell, then Malekith could do anything. “Do you even know where Hela is?”

Loki responded only by pressing a single finger to her lips.

“If anything happens to this realm, I will come for you personally.” He raised the crystal to her and tried to ignore the chill at the back of his neck, “Take me there.”

“See? I told you you’d want to hear me out.”

#prose tag #this is........way too long #sorry guys #sorry mobile users #its self indulgent anyway it effects no one but me

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unillustratedadventures · 6 years ago

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7 Differences between Love and Narcissistic Pseudo-Love

The following is a mixture of quotations and paraphrases from a video by Dr Les Carter, with some of my own additions and interpretations.

Reciprocal love changes people for the better. Narcissistic pseudo-love traumatises its targets, and can damage people in deep ways that resist easy recovery.

Broadly-speaking, one’s own goodness is at the core of love. No one is a completely good person or a completely bad person, and it would be unrealistic to imagine otherwise. However, it is possible to be a good person some of the time, and perhaps even most of the time. It is also possible to be a good person, or a better person, in relation to some people and not others. To love another person is to have an emotion that strongly motivates one to be good to that person. To put it another way, to love a person is to have a tendency to be a good person—kind, respectful, honest, reliable, affirming, forgiving, charitable, encouraging, available, and so on—at least in relation to that person, due to the emotional drives and behavioural constraints that love implies.

But narcissists frequently use the word ‘love’ to refer to something that does not have these implications. In some cases, the narcissist knows better but is deliberately misusing the word ‘love’ in order to manipulate another person. In other cases, the narcissist simply fails to grasp the concept of love, perhaps because he or she is incapable of fully experiencing it.

Whereas genuine love implies one’s own tendency to be good (to another person), narcissists often use ‘love’ to register another person’s conformity to the narcissist’s standards, regardless of that person’s own interests and well-being. Narcissists are desperate to regulate their self-esteem and to feel as though they are in control. As a result, they tend to be manipulative and exploitative. They don’t respond well to critical input or to attempts to compromise. They are self-entitled, inasmuch as they view things as being unfair unless they are in a superior position, have far more power and control than the other person, or are treated far better than the other person. Perhaps it’s no surprise, then, that when a narcissist says ‘I love you’, he or she tends to mean something like ‘at least for the moment, you are conforming to my standards and preferences’. Needless to say, the narcissist is thereby using the word ‘love’ incorrectly. In fact, this narcissistic form of pseudo-love is quite distant from genuine love.

Dr Les Carter discusses seven closely related ways in which love differs from narcissistic pseudo-love, which I have re-described as follows:

Love ascribes intrinsic value to the other person’s authentic self.

Love ascribes intrinsic value to the other person’s freedom (of self-expression).

A loving person is cooperative and addresses conflicts honourably.

Love involves affirming the other person’s intrinsic value and potential to grow.

Love is bound by realism.

Love is deep and enduring.

Love presumes abundance and communality.

1. Love Ascribes Intrinsic Value to the Other Person’s Authentic Self

A loving person wants to know who you are, what you’re feeling, what’s going on inside of you, and the things that are unique to you. The attitude of a loving person suggests “I know that you have your own needs and aspirations, and I want to know about them. Tell me who you are”. When you share your thoughts and feelings with a loving person, that person doesn’t simply run over them, dismiss them, or use them against you. A loving person is driven to know the deep truths about you—both the good and the bad—because of the way in which the emotion of love orients one person to another. Apart from anything else, a person who loves you wants to know as much as possible about who you really are in order to improve how he or she is engaging with you.

In contrast, narcissists mistake love for something that is primarily about themselves rather than the other person; as something that is instrumental, or selfishly functional. The attitude of a narcissistic person suggests “Only if you’re doing the things that I want you to do, and only if you’re currently meeting my needs, and adoring me, and helping me to accomplish what I want to accomplish, then I (will say that I) love you”. Except in so far as it affects such things, the narcissist doesn’t genuinely care about who the other person really is. In fact, if deep truths about the other person are unpleasant or inconvenient for the narcissist, then he/she will simply prefer not to know. The authentic nature of the other person has no intrinsic value to the narcissist—and this is just one of many reasons that the narcissist does not actually experience love.

2. Love Ascribes Intrinsic Value to the Other Person’s Freedom (of Self-Expression)

As a loving person engages with you, it is as though he or she is thinking “I want you to feel free to be who you are. I want you to discover yourself in its fullness. And rather than having to conform to what I say you need to be, I want to celebrate the various things that make you unique. And if you have a different opinion or thought or perspective, I want to hear it. Let’s discuss it and cooperate to develop it in the fullest kind of way.”

But narcissistic pseudo-love is conditional on duty. As a narcissist engages with you, it is as though he or she is thinking “as long as I can get you to coordinate with me, and meet my conditions, and help me to achieve things, and comply with what I say is right and wrong, then I (will say that I) love you.” Genuine love makes you want to be around the other person while he/she is being and thinking for himself/herself in the very fullest sense, precisely because he/she is doing so. To love someone means valuing the authentic presence of the other person for its own sake, as an end in itself. But a narcissist doesn’t want to be around you if you are being or thinking for yourself in any way that does not fit with the narcissist’s expectations or plans.

3. A Loving Person is Cooperative and Addresses Conflicts Honourably

No relationship is perfect. Sometimes people who love each other will be frustrated or hurt by one another. Disagreements and conflicts are an inevitable part of even the healthiest of relationships. Occasionally, tempers might even flare—and regrettable things might be said or done in the heat of the moment. However, ultimately, a loving person approaches conflicts with charity and openness. At least in the fullness of time, he or she gives you the benefit of the doubt, is available to discuss the issues openly and honestly, and wants to cooperate with you to find the best solution for the two of you overall. A loving person’s attitude suggests “let’s treat this conflict as an opportunity to learn from one another, grow closer, and grow together.” So even when a loving person is talking about disagreements, or hurts, or frustrations, he/she conducts himself/herself respectfully, in a manner that keeps your dignity intact. At least in the fullness of time, he/she will listen to you, and be open to compromise, to having his/her mind changed, to admitting wrongdoing, and to taking responsibility. When an apparent conflict arises, he/she will be driven to actively seek out (rather than avoid) the cooperative resolution of that conflict, and he/she will be eager to learn from this experience. When loving people are in conflict, they speak to each other in a tone of voice that has honour and respect.

In contrast, narcissistic people tend to be uncooperative, and when they are faced with conflict they tend to either flee or fight (and fight dirty). If it is the other person who has drawn attention to the relevant conflict, then the narcissist will probably take it personally. Regardless of the (apparent) nature of the relationship, and regardless of the other person’s feelings and intentions, the narcissist is unlikely to see the conflict as an opportunity to learn and grow closer, and is instead likely to see it as a personal attack or an instance of outright rejection—as a challenge or dominance contest that the narcissist is desperate to win. It is as though the narcissist fails to view cooperation and compromise as even the remotest of possibilities. Narcissists tend to be desperate to come out on top and to get their own way, regardless of the cost to the relationship and to the other person. And so they tend to react to attempts to resolve conflicts in ways that actually escalate those conflicts. I.e. they tend to respond with defensive lying, by trying to avoid the discussion altogether (stonewalling), by trying to change the subject or shift the blame, by dismissing or gaslighting you, by insulting you, or by otherwise devaluing you or trying to discredit you.

If it is the narcissist who has perceived the conflict, then—again—that conflict will tend not to be seen as an opportunity for cooperation, for learning about one another, and for growing closer. Rather, the conflict is again likely to be seen as a dominance contest that the narcissist is desperate to win, regardless of the cost to the relationship and to the other person. It is as though the narcissist is thinking “I have got to get you back in line, whatever it takes”. And since cooperation and compromise are off the table (after all, the conflict is being seen as a fight or dominance contest, and not as an opportunity for cooperation and growth between two loving people), the narcissist’s attempt to get you ‘back in line’ will tend to involve shaming and blaming behaviour, coercion and coercive control, overt or covert manipulation, the use of emotional double binds, the use of emotional blackmail or threats of rejection, instrumental conditioning (via punishing behaviours such as the silent treatment, insults, and sarcastic mockery, and via inconsistent rewarding behaviours such as dosing, instrumental flattery, attention, and affection), and so on. This is perhaps where narcissists’ ego-involvement most clearly interferes with their ability to genuinely love other people. Could any behaviour look less loving than this? Narcissists are desperate to protect their egos, and never really trust or rely on anyone. For this reason, they stubbornly refuse to cooperate, eschew the vulnerability that comes with compromise, and try to get their way by controlling you, manipulating you, or otherwise forcing you to submit to their will.

In short, when a narcissist is involved, conflicts are rarely (if ever) resolved, and no one leaves with their dignity intact.

4. Love Involves Affirming the Other Person’s Intrinsic Value and Potential to Grow

A loving person loves you for who you really are, as an end in yourself. Moreover, a loving person is not just driven to know as much as possible about who you really are (warts and all), for its own sake. He/she is also driven to accept who you really are, without having to pretend that you are somehow perfect or ideal. He/she is driven to notice your good authentic aspects, even if you had downplayed or failed to notice those aspects, and to affirm and encourage those things in the direction of you being the very best version of yourself.

In contrast, a narcissist is more likely to criticise and judge you for your perceived bad aspects (regardless of whether they are authentic parts of you), than to notice, affirm, and encourage your authentic good aspects. A narcissist can’t help but treat you as an instrument—as a means to an end rather than as an end in yourself. For this reason, whereas genuine love involves accepting you as intrinsically valuable, and encouraging you to be the best version of yourself, narcissistic pseudo-love is always conditional on your instrumental value, and on how well you are currently meeting the standards of the narcissist. A narcissist’s attitude towards you is always critical and evaluative, and can shift from one extreme to another on the basis of whether you are presently doing what he/she wants. It is as though the narcissist always has a checklist, and is always scoring you based on the things that the narcissist wants and doesn’t want, such that the narcissist’s attitude to you and affection for you is entirely dependent on your instrument score right now. If you make a mistake or make the narcissist feel bad about himself/herself, then your instrumental score will suffer and the narcissist will seem to love you less. Relatedly, the narcissist is always tacitly comparing you to other possible objects of his/her affections, and will simply discard you if he/she believes that he/she could now easily engage with someone else who would currently have a better score on the checklist. In this way, you are never intrinsically special to a narcissist, in the manner that is required for genuine love. At best, you are only ever instrumentally special to the narcissist, at least for the moment.

5. Love is Bound by Realism

In its early stages, love (and especially romantic love) involves a certain kind of inflation of the other person’s value and positive qualities, beyond what one presently knows. This is an essential part of early romantic love. However, even when love inflates another person’s value in this way, it never breaks completely free of the bounds of realism. Genuinely loving people do not completely idealise one another, or truly believe that the other person is perfect or flawless. Loving people do not approach each other under the illusion that no disagreements or conflicts will ever arise, or that the other person will never make a mistake or do something that seems somewhat frustrating, annoying, disappointing, or hurtful. Indeed, they approach each other under the expectation that such things will occur, but with a loving eagerness to deal with those occurrences, to learn from them, and to grow closer as a consequence. We all have flaws. And, at least within limits, loving people actually like to learn about each other’s flaws. Usually, this increases trust, intimacy, and loyalty between people. Gradually, in the early stages of a loving relationship, each person reveals his/her perceived flaws and thereby allows the other person to know him/her more fully—and every time the other person is accepting and loving regardless of those perceived flaws, authenticity and trust and intimacy are increased, and love grows.

But where love is bound by realism, narcissists are bounded by idealism. A narcissist will only enter into a relationship with you if you seem to be (unrealistically) perfect and ideal to the narcissist at that time, partly because the narcissist perceives that you will always meet his/her needs, make him/her feel good, and so on. As already mentioned, the narcissist ultimately doesn’t care about who you really are. Moreover, narcissists don’t know how to trust others, and they tend to view any criticism or challenge as an instance of outright rejection, and thus as a violation of trust. For this reason, authenticity and true intimacy are impossible. The narcissist approaches you, not in a genuinely loving way that is bound by realism, but in a narcissistic way that involves idealisation. The narcissist approaches you under the illusion that no disagreements or conflicts will ever arise, and that you will never make a mistake or do anything that seems frustrating, annoying, disappointing, or hurtful. Even though these expectations of the narcissist are unshared, non-obvious, and wildly unrealistic, there is a sense in which they are unspoken deal-breakers for the narcissist. As a consequence, trust, intimacy, authenticity, and loyalty are impossible. In short, love is impossible. Since you are only human, you will inevitably make a mistake, or say the wrong thing, or otherwise fail to automatically live up to the narcissist’s standards and expectations. The narcissist can’t help but be strongly disillusioned by this, and might convey that there is something wrong with you, or perhaps that you are unworthy, or at least worthy of rejection by the narcissist. The narcissist will view your misstep as undermining your very value as a person, and perhaps as a personal slight against him/her, or an instance in which you have somehow duped or tricked him/her.

6. Love is Deep and Enduring

Love is not shallow and disposable. It is profound and tenacious. Love is a stable emotion, partly because it is connected to who a person really is (even before much of this is known), and a person’s authentic self is a relatively stable phenomenon. As discussed, since love involves intrinsically valuing a person, and seeing that person as an end rather than a means, it follows that love is consistent and unconditional in a particular sense. Relatedly, love involves a consistent and durable interest in, and positive attitude towards, the person who is being loved. Thus, the love, support, and affection of a loving person can be relied upon, and will endure a fair amount of conflict and adversity (especially since love encourages the view of conflict and adversity as opportunities for cooperation, growth, and intimacy). Fundamentally, love is not about feeling good in someone’s company at the present moment, such that the person becomes disposable as soon as the good times end, or as soon as the fair weather turns. Rather, a loving person’s attitude suggests “so long as we’re in this together, I am invested in and committed to you, your well-being, and our relationship through thick and thin, and through good experiences as well as bad”.

In contrast, narcissistic pseudo-love is shallow and temporary. This is largely because it is conditional, and because it is only connected to a person as something that is instrumentally valuable (in the ways that have already been discussed). The narcissist’s attitude suggests “I’ll stick around, but only if you keep making me feel good and doing what I want. If you fail to do so, then I’ll just throw you away and move on to someone who will”.

7. Love Presumes Abundance and Communality

Love involves mutual acceptance and communal give-and-take. Loving people tend to have a fairly good idea of who they are, as well as a degree of self-worth, dignity, and self-respect that is sufficient for treating others as worthy, and with honour, dignity, and respect. When people love each other, they celebrate being authentically themselves even while they are together, without feeling threatened or belittled by who the other person is, and without feeling as though honesty and vulnerability, or the risk of being surprised or challenged by the other person, will make things spiral out of control or ensure painful rejection.

In contrast, narcissistic pseudo-love involves a kind of asymmetrical neediness that precludes mutual acceptance. Narcissists have a self-image that is inconsistent or incomplete, as well as wildly vacillating self-worth and self-respect. Because of this, they often fail to treat others as worthy, or with honour, dignity, and respect. Narcissists are addicted to narcissistic supply—to ego boosts, or perceived confirmations of their self-worth—and they will also do whatever it takes to regulate their fluctuating self-esteem. This includes using, exploiting, and discarding other people. If you aren’t supplying and protecting the narcissist’s ego, then you will be treated as though you are useless and disposable. In this way, fundamentally, the narcissist can’t help but take from you without regard for your wellbeing, and with no sense of responsibility for giving anything back. This is antithetical to love. Simply put, love and narcissism cannot co-exist.

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diskwrite-ffxiv · 7 years ago

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There have been some very excellent posts breaking down the first non-apology from Oz. And now, after the first attempt was generally panned, Oz has made a second go of it: https://imgur.com/a/E9qELpy

As we consider Oz’s words, there is a point I would like to emphasize.

Apologies are an important part of the abuser’s playbook.

And as Lundy Bancroft states in Why Does He Do That?, it doesn’t really matter if the abuser’s apology is sincere or not.

The salient point about remorse, however, is that it matters little whether it is genuine or not. Clients who get very sorry after acts of abuse change at about the same rate as the ones who don’t. The most regretful are sometimes the most self-centered, lamenting above all the injury they’ve done to their own self-image. They feel ashamed of having behaved like cruel dictators and want to revert quickly to the role of benign dictators, as if that somehow makes them much better people.

This is the third time I’ve linked this image with regard to this situation, but it’s because it is paramount that we understand the abuser’s behavior as cyclical and the role that apologies play.

It’s a little counter-intuitive compared to non-abusive interactions. Under normal circumstances, an apology serves to say things like “hey I messed up and I’m sorry.” It’s part of making things right with someone else, and it’s considered part of the social contract that if someone is sorry for what they did, they will try to do better in the future.

But in the context of the cycle of abuse, that’s not what happens when an abuser apologizes.

Another quote from Bancroft:

After he has purged himself, he typically acts ashamed or regretful about his cruelty or violence, at least in the early years of a relationship. Then he may enter a period when he reminds you of the man you fell in love with—charming, attentive, funny, kind. His actions have the effect of drawing you into a repetitive traumatic cycle in which you hope each time that he is finally going to change for good. You then begin to see the signs of his next slow slide back into abuse, and your anxiety and confusion rise again.

[Once more please excuse the pronouns and specifically gendered way Bancroft has written this book. He is addressing heterosexual romantic relationships because that is what he worked with most in his practice, but so much about abuse is common regardless of the type of personal relationship.]

Ultimately, whether or not an abuser feels sorry means nothing. If they’re going to become a better person, what’s required is that they change the fundamental beliefs, behaviors, and actions that made them an abuser in the first place.

So, let’s talk this second apology.

What does it take for an abuser to change?

In my last extensive post, I quoted Bancroft’s example of what it would take for a man to fully take accountability for vindictively cutting down a neighbor’s tree. So how does Bancroft relate this to abuse, and what abusers must do to truly become better?

I’m going to quote this part in full and it’s a long one, so bear with me. Some details are especially romantic relationship specific, but I left it all in because they are necessary to communicate just how all-encompassing true change for an abuser has to be.

1. Admit fully to his history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partners whom he has abused. Denial and minimizing need to stop, including discrediting your memory of what happened. He can’t change if he is continuing to cover up, to others or to himself, important parts of what he has done.

2. Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally. He needs to identify the justifications he has tended to use, including the various ways that he may have blamed you, and to talk in detail about why his behaviors were unacceptable without slipping back into defending them.

3. Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control. For example, he needs to recognize that there is a moment during each incident at which he gives himself permission to become abusive and that he chooses how far to let himself go.

4. Recognize the effects his abuse has had on you and your children, and show empathy for those. He needs to talk in detail about the short-and longterm impact that his abuse has had, including fear, loss of trust, anger, and loss of freedom and other rights. And he needs to do this without reverting to feeling sorry for himself or talking about how hard the experience has been for him.

5. Identify in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes. He needs to speak in detail about the day-to-day tactics of abuse he has used. Equally important, he must be able to identify his underlying beliefs and values that have driven those behaviors, such as considering himself entitled to constant attention, looking down on you as inferior, or believing that men aren’t responsible for their actions if “provoked” by a partner.

6. Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones he is stopping. You can look for examples such as improving how well he listens to you during conflicts and at other times, carrying his weight of household responsibilities and child care, and supporting your independence. He has to demonstrate that he has come to accept the fact that you have rights and that they are equal to his.

7. Reevaluate his distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathic view. He has to recognize that he has had mental habits of focusing on and exaggerating his grievances against you and his perceptions of your weaknesses and to begin instead to compliment you and pay attention to your strengths and abilities.

8. Make amends for the damage he has done. He has to develop a sense that he has a debt to you and to your children as a result of his abusiveness. He can start to make up somewhat for his actions by being consistently kind and supportive, putting his own needs on the back burner for a couple of years, talking with people whom he has misled in regard to the abuse and admitting to them that he lied, paying for objects that he has damaged, and many other steps related to cleaning up the emotional and literal messes that his behaviors have caused. (At the same time, he needs to accept that he may never be able to fully compensate you.)

9. Accept the consequences of his actions. He should stop whining about, or blaming you for, problems that are the result of his abuse, such as your loss of desire to be sexual with him, the children’s tendency to prefer you, or the fact that he is on probation.

10. Commit to not repeating his abusive behaviors and honor that commitment. He should not place any conditions on his improvement, such as saying that he won’t call you names as long as you don’t raise your voice to him. If he does backslide, he cannot justify his abusive behaviors by saying, “But I’ve done great for five months; you can’t expect me to be perfect,” as if a good period earned him chips to spend on occasional abuse.

11. Accept the need to give up his privileges and do so. This means saying good-bye to double standards, to flirting with other women, to taking off with his friends all weekend while you look after the children, and to being allowed to express anger while you are not.

12. Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a lifelong process. He at no time can claim that his work is done by saying to you, “I’ve changed but you haven’t,” or complain that he is sick of hearing about his abuse and control and that “it’s time to get past all that.” He needs to come to terms with the fact that he will probably need to be working on his issues for good and that you may feel the effects of what he has done for many years.

13. Be willing to be accountable for his actions, both past and future. His attitude that he is above reproach has to be replaced by a willingness to accept feedback and criticism, to be honest about any backsliding, and to be answerable for what he does and how it affects you and your children.

If this sounds like a lot, that’s because it is. But as Bancroft says himself:

Abusive men don’t make lasting changes if they skip any of the above steps, and some are easier than others. Most of my clients find it fairly easy to apologize, for example. In fact, an abuser may weave apologies into his pattern of abuse, so that when he says “I’m sorry,” it becomes another weapon in his hand.

[...]

But even a genuine and sincere apology is only a starting point. Many of my clients make it through the first three steps: They admit to a substantial portion of their abuse; they agree that their actions resulted from choice rather than loss of control; and they apologize. Then they dig in their heels at that point. An abuser’s sense of entitlement is like a rude, arrogant voice screaming inside his head. It yells at him: “You’ve given up too much already; don’t budge another inch. They already talked you into saying your abuse is all your own fault when you know she’s at least half to blame because of the shit that she does. She should be grateful to you for apologizing; that wasn’t easy to do. She’s lucky you’ve gone this far; a lot of guys would tell her to go screw, you know.” And the voice drags him back into the mud that he had finally taken a couple of baby steps out of.

So if your conclusion from all of this is that there is no apology from Oz that will be good enough, what do you mean by “good enough”? Does “good enough” mean, displays that they will be able to affect genuine change on themselves and improve? Because if that’s the case, then you’re right. Abusers can and do sincerely and genuinely apologize, then go on to repeat the cycle of abuse once more.

That is the typical behavior after an apology. If Oz is going to stop being an abuser, they’re going to have to do a whole lot more than offer a good apology.

And this still wasn’t a good apology.

The second apology

This reads like Oz saw our criticisms and then, like a student making cuts to a paper after their teacher’s instruction, cut out everything we specifically objected to without understanding why we took umbrage with it in the first place.

Honestly? This is not a good start.

I’m going to respond to a request I’ve seen that I be more plainspoken and more direct. I originally worried that might come across flippant and dismissive, but I appreciate not everyone sees it the same way. I apologise in advance if this comes across a little too conversational or free-association.

The problem was not you talking “too smart” or with the “wrong tone” as you seemed to say in your conversation with @captain-ameribunny. The problem was that you were more interested in saying what you didn’t do and deflecting accountability than actually owning what you did.

I know I have hurt people and I am sorry. There were times it was absolutely my intent to do harm. Regardless of what reason I had, where I was in that moment, that’s what I did.

So why mention your reasons or “where you were in that moment” at all? Tucked away in the heart of that is the ghost of what you truncated from your first apology- all your attempts to say outside influences drove you to the behavior. It’s like a door you carved into your words. You shoved your justifications behind the threshold then closed the door behind them. Perfectly poised to open at the right opportunity to explain away what you did and why you did it. To others, and to yourself.

If you are one of those people, I apologise. Knowing full well the feelings of alienation that come from someone turning their anger on you, I engaged in that exact anger. I knowingly used that fear to bad ends and displayed a general lack of empathy.

I responded to conflict in destructive, unhealthy, and sometimes objectively cruel ways. I blurred the lines between the minor failures of others and critical flaws that define people for what they are. I used the simple humanity of other people as leverage against them and refused to show compassion for the pain that caused.

I harassed and held grudges against people who didn’t deserve it. When those people defended themselves, I used that natural and rational reaction as a reason to mock them and as proof of the vile image of them I had created.

This section has a very similar problem to the one previous. By claiming they blurred the lines between “the minor failures of others and critical flaws that define people for what they are,” Oz is still subtly saying that the people they went after did something wrong. They’ve essentially labeled their behavior as a destructive overreaction, but leaves room to state that sometimes it was deserved.

Oz of course doesn’t clarify exactly which people “deserved it” and which didn’t.

I said in my previous apology that I am sorry for contributing to a cycle of anger and anguish and I stand by that. What I did made the world a worse place. I excused countless of my own wrongs that went on to hurt innocent people, directly and indirectly. There were times I saw the hurt I caused and simply chose to not care because of whatever validation I found to justify that and all I can say now is that I am sorry.

Honestly, a blanket apology isn’t enough for this. You gleefully trashed people publically for months. Sometimes years. You prided yourself on trying to drive your targets out of the community. If some of those people were innocent, wouldn’t directly coming out about how you mistreated them and you were wrong do a lot to help make things right?

But instead, you’re still asking for people to approach you in private for anything beyond general apologies.

I do not know who does and does not wish to speak with me about any of this and I do not want anyone to feel put-upon or isolated by me trying to initiate that. If you feel you would benefit from speaking to me about any way I’ve wronged you, please, I invite you to do so. I want to hear what you have to say and I would appreciate the chance to extend my apology to you personally.

First off, you’ve framed it in a way to sound like you’re leaving this at a blanket apology for the benefit of the people you’ve hurt.

The thing is, if you’re not willing to publically walk back the specific terrible things you said and did, what’s to stop that harm from continuing? All the whispers you spread about people will persist. Reputations will still lie in tatters.

And furthermore, if you’re not willing to publically state which specific examples were wrong, you’ve given us plenty of room to believe you’re apologizing for those examples without you actually ever stating you were abusive in that particular situation.

After all, you just reminded us that sometimes you went after people for “minor failures” but other times it was because of “critical flaws.” Which was which? Are you willing to own up to the exact examples you completely mistreated someone?

Frankly, it does you more good to leave this at a blanket apology than it does the people you hurt. It saves you from having to specifically look us in the eye and tell us that all that fire you breathed at so-and-so was actually abuse.

And beyond this, now that we’ve gone through your entire second apology- are you going to own up to how you first responded to people calling you out with unbridled rage? Then with talking repeatedly about how this was all just manufactured outrage that was going to blow over? Then with claims that other outside forces made you this way, that people enabled you, that your intentions were good, that this was just a relapse, and we should qualify and excuse your behavior for any or all of these reasons?

If you don’t actively own up to- and stop- this kind of behavior, then you won’t change.

Your only qualification on this post was that you weren’t plainspoken and direct enough the first time. Really, if that’s what you think the problem was, then you don’t get it at all.

So while we’re speaking of some of the specific things you said, let’s take a look at some examples.

Specific examples of behavior

The Tweets

Let’s recount the last time you actually got specific about anything you were accused of: https://imgur.com/a/GFfW0f2

This is the album of tweets that I linked in the last post I made. You’re still pretty general about it, sure. But you are speaking very clearly about various topics and saying that under no circumstances have you endorsed or done them.

As I pointed out in my last post, we have screenshots that show you did some of these things. So, is your stance still that you did not in fact do any of it, despite our hard evidence that you did? Which of the screenshots are things that you didn’t actually do? Are the people who provided those screenshots liars, or did you genuinely wrong them? I’d like to hear your explanation. Publically, please.

<<SASS>>

I’m going to start this section by linking @honhonoura ‘s post: http://honhonoura.tumblr.com/post/175621265651/i-am-a-knight-of-the-round-vegetable

But the reason I’m speaking on this in particular is, over the course of things, I was provided with some screenshots that I am now sharing with permission. Since you deleted your blog, it’s much harder to find evidence of your abuse, but as we’ve observed some of your victims recorded what you did to them long before. All of these posts were there. And they were very public, I might add.

Oz is going on about this here because one of the <<SASS>> members was autistic.

In it, Oz has stated that if someone is too mentally ill to accept responsibility for abusive actions and can’t stop themselves from abusing other people, they shouldn’t run a guild or put themselves in charge of others.

Here, Oz is very insistent that someone who has been abusive paints themselves as the victim, they’re doing something wrong. I presume that “painting yourself as a victim” includes stating that someone else abused you, which motivated you to be abusive yourself.

In both of these posts, Oz has made very strong statements about abuse and what it is acceptable for the abuser to do and not do. They were made in the context of calling someone else out, the context that @honhonoura elaborated on in her post.

Oz, do you still stand by your opinions in these posts? Do you believe you were justified in posting them? Do you believe they were aimed at an appropriate target? Would you say you went after <<SASS>> because you perceived, to use your own words, a “minor failure” or a “critical flaw that define people for what they are”?

Your post about <<SASS>> in 2018 before you deleted your Tumblr certainly gave every indication that you stood by what you did them in 2014. You were very willing to talk about them the same way today that you did back then, so I would like to hear your stance on everything I’ve just shared now. And again, since you went to such great lengths to publically smear their name, I would like your response publically please.

Balmung Blessings

I would like to share with everyone the two posts that motivated me to unfollow Balmung Blessings long before I knew who ran it.

Post 1: https://imgur.com/a/PU09rG1

Post 2: https://imgur.com/a/uuTL4tD

The first post is very... long.

At the time I read it, not knowing Oz was involved, the part that gave me pause began where they spoke about how the blog was approaching 800 followers, which starts on image 9 of the album.

It struck me as deeply uncomfortable that their number of followers motivated their thoughts towards how that would give them power over the community. They spoke of it as influence and mused on how they “weren’t sure what to do with that ‘power.’” As if that was something that could be wielded over people.

Uh. When I approached 800 followers, you want to know what my biggest thought was?

“Ho jeez that’s a lot of people HOLY FUCK WHERE DID YOU ALL COME FROM man I better not be a fuckhead.”

The primary feeling that my follower count gives me- aside from general “when did you all get here??”- is a sense of responsibility. If a lot of people are going to read what I write, that means I should try extra hard to only contribute in productive and positive ways because I don’t want to inadvertently hurt people.

The very notion of looking at that number and perceiving it as power makes me feel sick. Physically ill, with a twist of revulsion to my stomach. I don’t care how many followers I have. I’m not here to control people.

Post 2 followed the first shortly after. So, this means that after Oz wrote about how much value they placed on the number of followers their blogs receive- specifically about the sense of power over other people it gave them- stated that they follow many FFXIV blogs because they interacted with Balmung Blessings.

If you interacted with Balmung Blessings, they were likely to bestow followership upon you- and all the significance Oz ascribed to it. Something like quid pro quo.

Back when these posts were written, this made me extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t like the idea that my interaction with the blog was being viewed by the blogrunner as a contribution to a platform to community power. So, I quietly unfollowed the blog.

Learning that Oz was the runner of Balmung Blessings certainly puts those two posts in a different light.

Oz, after all, has placed a great deal of importance on having weight in the community. They have used what influence they’ve sought to gather like a cudgel against other people.

They were also not above using the Balmung Blessings platform to suit their own means.

Post 3: https://imgur.com/a/Y439os2

This was made shortly before Oz deleted the blog.

[As a sidenote, I absolutely do not condone sending anonymous hate to anyone under any circumstances. And certainly not spurred by a secrets blog.]

First, even as Oz states they try not to pay too much attention to followers, they still referred to their number of followers as if that was some sort of personal endorsement. They continued to ascribe great meaning to that number, as if that gave them something.

Second, here we see Oz using the Balmung Blessings platform to discount the accusations being made against them- even though on Balmung Blessings they never stated their ownership of the blog- referring to it as “passing drama.”

Third, they then proceed to talk about how callout posts don’t fix things, they are destructive, and they are wrong.

Oz, is this an opinion you share of the callout posts that you made? Because you have made many.

And finally,

Post 4: https://imgur.com/a/u9TNaUb

Here under the Balmung Blessings platform, Oz asserts that “anyone has a place in our community as long as they’re doing their level best to be a good and conscientious member,” however if “someone thinks actively spreading hate and inevitably some amount of completely fallacious gossip is doing that,” then they need to either change or leave.

Between the posts about <<SASS>> and the messages relayed through the Balmung Blessings platform, it is clear that Oz has very strong opinions about what is right and wrong behavior when it comes to the actions of other people.

So, Oz. You’ve said an awful lot of things about how people who are shitty and toxic and abusive need to stop leading groups, how they have no excuses for their behavior, and how they either need to change or leave.

What would you want someone to do if they’d wronged you the same way you’ve wronged other people?

Are you willing to apply the same standards that you’ve ascribed to other people’s behavior for yourself? Were the standards themselves wrong? I would also like an answer to this. And just like the others, I would like it publically please.

Why are these answers important?

As detailed by Bancroft, just apologizing- sincerely or no- isn’t enough for an abuser to change.

The abuser has to fix their fundamental beliefs and behaviors. If they don’t, they will repeat the cycle of abuse.

The specific examples I’ve brought up throughout this post target a few main points in Oz’s conduct.

1. Denial, deflection, and poisoning the well. Oz has used all of these tactics to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They have denied behavior we all saw proof of. They have deflected the accusations numerous ways- whether stating it’s all just drama that will blow over, blaming it on Adrian, so on and so forth. And they have actively smeared their targets in ways that are intended to make others distrust or disregard any accusations of wrongdoing.

All of these are common abuser behaviors used to escape criticism and responsibility. If Oz is to change, they will have to fully acknowledge the specific ways they perform these behaviors and then dismantle them.

2. Entitlement. Abusers act on double-standards. They are entitled to enact a certain behavior or feel a particular emotion, but the abused is not. Anger is a common target. The abuser believes their anger is acceptable, however the anger of the abused is unreasonable or unjustified. And as Bancroft points out, just because the abuser apologizes, that doesn’t mean they’ve given these beliefs up.

If Oz is to change, they will have to acknowledge the disparities in their belief system that they utilized to justify their own behavior while castigating that same behavior in others. But not only that, they will have to relinquish all double-standards and any of the advantages those gave them.

3. Power. To bring back the quote from Bancroft used in my previous post:

The term abuse is about power; it means that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control someone else.

Oz’s fixation on and interpretation of follower counts speaks to a deepset focus on establishing power over other people. Indeed, that sort of power is something Oz has regularly sought out. They have openly spoken of getting a thrill out of making others afraid, and one need only look to one of their “crusades” to see how willing they are to use this power like a sledgehammer against someone else.

If Oz is to change, they are going to have to give this up. Period. Because fixing abusive behavior requires the abuser to relinquish the advantages that behaving abusively gave, Oz needs to relinquish their desire to obtain power. And they absolutely need to refrain from using their social platforms against other people.

These three points are merely a handful of the beliefs and behaviors Oz will need to fix if they are going to change.

Putting up a couple blanket apologies and telling people they can contact them privately for anything more isn’t anywhere close to what needs to happen.

Given how perfectly everything fits into the cycle of abuse thus far, and with how rare it is for an abuser to actually change, I would advise everyone to be very cautious about taking their apologies as a sign that they will improve.

Oz, since I know you’re going to read this- I’ve said it once before and I’ll say it again. If you aren’t already getting professional help for this you should get some. And you should try to find someone who specializes in helping abusers. Be upfront with them about what you did, and don’t try to wriggle away from it.

If you are truly sincere about believing your behavior was reprehensible, then do what it takes to change it. This is what it takes. And it’s a long hard journey, but if you have the bravery and the strength to follow through, then it’ll be worth it in the end when you never hurt another person this way again.

#longpost #thelegendofkungjew #abuse #community talk #extremely long #it kind of exploded #but I had a lot to say #this literally took 6 hours

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