#there are a lot of times where i don't actually snipe anything but it's very interesting to learn which positions are more helpful than-

[crest-of-gautier]

inkjet snipe + the quickest rainmaker dunk of my life

[thekingofwinterblog]

The Importance of Banter: Varric Tethras

So one of the more interesting takes I've gotten on my breakdowns of Dragon Age characters is the argument that Varric in terms of character development is one of the lesser characters in the game.

He stays the same, doesn't change much from beginning to end, and while enjoyable, his inclusion doesn't add nearly as much as some of the other characters in the game, and relies way too much on the goodwill from da2 to do most of the legwork for his inclusion in the game.

Now this isn't an argument without merit, I might agree a lot with this take... If it wasn't for the inclusion of one Dragon Age's staples, and one of the aspects that Inquisition arguably does better than ether ADO or DA2.

Character Banter.

Character Banter is extremely important because it gives us an insight into how characters think, how they interact, and showcases the more subtle elements that aren't always on display in the game itself.

Compared to the rest of the Characters, Varric is a bit different in that because he was a companion in the previous game, we can see how he's changed since the previous game.

Cassandra Pentaghast

So it's not an exaggeration to say that Cassandra and Varric has what is easily the most dynamic relationahip between any of the companions, having far and away the most interactions together out of party(And thats not even including the fact that all of DA2 is technically them talking to each other.

And this is reflected in their banter as well, where the two of them go back and forth like a married couple.

The thing that most be understood about Cassandra and Varric's banter though, is the fact that Varric is way, way smarter than Cassandra, who isn't dumb, but is not a genius by any stretch, which is reflected in the Dwarf's tendency to run rings around her all the time.

Cassandra: Have you heard from any of your Kirkwall associates Varric?

Varric: You're asking me? So you don't read my letters?

Cassandra: You're no longer my prisoner, much as you like to act like it.

Varric: Yet I still get all the suspicion.

Cassandra: I am not without sympathy, especially given recent events.

Varric: Why, Seeker, I would never accuse you of having sympathy! By the way I tend to refer to my "associates" as "friends". Maybe you're not familiar with the concept.

Cassandra: (sigh)

---

Varric: You know, Seeker, for someone with your tact and charisma you assembled a... pretty good little Inquisition. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you didn't drag them all here by force.

Cassandra: How kind of you.

Varric: I mean, you never know, you could have kidnapped Ruffles and she'd be too polite to say anything.

Cassandra: Leliana recruited Josephine. They're... friends.

Varric: So there's a rational explanation after all. Just when I thought you had layers.

---

Varric: It makes sense that Leliana did the recruiting when the Inquisition started. Not everyone can be intimidated into signing up after all.

Cassandra: I recruited Commander Cullen.

Varric: Lucky him.

Cassandra: He has made no complaints about my manners.

Varric: His last boss was a raving lunatic who turned into a statue. That's not a high bar.

All of these three bits of banter is from early in their shared chain, and illustrates their dynamic very, very well. Varric reads Cassandra like an open book, and is able to completely take control over a situation just by playing the role of the ass who is just sniping at her because he feels like it, when what he's actually doing is maneuvering the conversation so it can end on him having the last words by playing on the things Cassandra knows she cannot refute without lying.

That takes a lot of sponanous wit and an ability to think on the spot, something cassandra does not possess, but Varric has in plenty.

Of course this dynamic is only at the start as they have plenty more as the story develops. One innparticular is their relationship regarding Varric's liturature, which is one of the more entertaining side quests in the game, but it does tell us more about them in the followup banter.

Varric: Seriously? Swords and Shields? How did you find that serial? Scrape it off the bottom of a barrel in Dust Town?

Cassandra: It was research! I thought I might learn more about the Champion.

Varric: I did write a book about the Champion. You might remember it. Had your knife stuck through it last I saw.

Cassandra: I already read that one. Twice.

Here we learn how much Cassandra actually loves to read Varric's work, but more importantly we get something we rarely see in Varric. Him talking about his own failures.

Varric likes to pretend he's this amazing writer who always produce masterpieces, as he himself says to Bianca, as if he'd write about his own failures and mistakes...

And yet there is swords and shields, a book that Varric has deemed an abyssmal failure. A joke, a mediocre piece of trash not worth the paper it was printed on... And yet it has it's fans. This work that varric despises still managed to find an audience, and despite how much satisfaction he had smugly giving it to Cassandra, that still grinds his gears.

People shouldn't like his bad work. It should be forgotten in favor of his masterpieces. A very dwarven way of thinking.

Varric: I can't believe you picked the absolute worst of my books to read. Why not Hard in Hightown?

Cassandra: I have enough mysteries and investigations of my own.

Varric: What? You don't want to solve more in your spare time?

Cassandra: Then you killed my favorite character in Chapter 3, so I threw the book across the room.

Varric: Ah, a critic. Say no more.

In this one, we get Varric both genuinely questioning Cassandra, as he seems to have assumed she actually does like investigating mysteries(she does not), but also tries to nudge her over to read High in Hightown instead.

Cassandra: Varric, how could you let the Knight-Captain be framed for murder?

Varric: Well, I did spent three entire chapters setting it up.

Cassandra: But she didn't deserve it! You'd already put her through more than enough!

Varric: Look, Seeker, if you love a character, you give them pain, ruin their lives, make them suffer. Maybe even throw in a heroic death.

Cassandra: That makes no sense!

Varric: You care enough to argue. If she had a nice afternoon and took a nap, you'd stop reading.

I could deconstruct this, but basically it's just a bit of meta commentary on what makes a good story. Not only will it not be the last, but it's not even the most blatant. After all, this one could apply to other people besides Hawke.

Cassandra: What made you write about Hawke? All your other books are complete fiction.

Varric: Someone had to set the record straight about the Champion.

Cassandra: Yet your book is still full of lies.

Varric: But true ones. That's important.

Varric loves stories... But he understands what stories are at their heart. The difference between a Recounting, and a Tale. That's what history is after all, the Tales everyone passed down.

And what good tale doesn't have a bit of exaggerated bullshit?

Cassandra: Why is the second Hard in Hightown so completely different from the first?

Varric: (sigh) Because I didn't write it. Shit, did you pay actual coin for that book? One of these days, I'm going to find the duster who wrote that garbage and introduce him to my editor.

Cassandra: By "editor," do you mean your crossbow?

Varric: No, my actual editor. Best in the business. She runs half the Coterie in Kirkwall. Stickler for grammar. She once killed a man over a semicolon. I'd never print anything without her.

This one is more meta commentary, but it does have a bit more meat to it. Varric's whole spiel about his editor being super powerful in the Coterie could be the truth, it could be complete bullshit. Or it could be something in between.

That's not the important part. The important part is that he wants Cassandra to guess, to assume, to speculate, because that is far more powerful than just laying it all out could ever be.

Cole: She has to reach the other side of the hill.

Cassandra: Who does?

Cole: The Knight-Captain. But she's injured.

Varric: (sigh) Good job, Kid.

Cassandra: Is she alright? Is that how the book ends?

Varric: Not anymore.

Cassandra: Cole, what happens to her?

Cole: I don't know. The hill went away.

So here we see that Varric is one of THOSE authors. You know the kind, the ones who will rewrite an entire storyline because the big twists was leaked ahead of time.

It's not that important in the grand scheme of things, but it's interesting how through the game we see a very consistent picture of how Varric likes to write. He's a gardner variety writer, but unlike GRRM he's not the kind thst sticks to what he had in mind and sets up if the big twist is learned before it's finished.

As for His banter with Cassandra related to Hawke, it's entertaining, but not exactly that enlightening. Except for one.

If you chose in DA2 to save carver or Bethany by making them grey wardens, you get this bit when Cassandra Questions him about them.

Varric: Aveline took him off somewhere when the Calling started going nuts, but he'll tag along. He always does.

Varric: Aveline took her off somewhere when the Calling started going nuts, but she'll try to keep Hawke out of trouble.

Cassandra misses the obvious, but you probably didn't.

Varric knew about the calling from the start. Oh he didn't know the details, and he didn't know why... But he knew there was something up with the calling from the very start, and probably figured out this was the key reason from day one.

And he didn't share it. At all.

That speaks volumes of where his true loyalties lies, and it's something a lot of people miss.

Cassandra is right. Varric's heart will never truly belong to the Inquisition so long as Hawke and his Kirkwall friends exists outside of it.

There is also a turning point in their conversations, starting around the point where Varric's personal quest with Bianca happened.

Cassandra: Am I to understand your Bianca is married?

Varric: Oh, have we reached the stage where we gossip about each other's love lives?

Varric: Did you hear that, boss? Don't worry, I'll tell you whatever she says.

Cassandra: Forget I mentioned anything. It was a simple question, Varric.

Varric: There was nothing simple about it.

Varric actually blatantly questions wheter they've reached the point where they are now talking about each others love with each other. The truth is though, they actually have.

Varric: You brought up Bianca, Seeker. Does that mean I can ask about your conquests?

Cassandra: I would rather you didn't.

Varric: No tantalizing secrets to divulge?

Cassandra: None.

(If the Inquisitor is in a relationship with Cassandra)

Varric: So no one within, say, a five foot radius has caught your eye?

Inquisitor: Really? No one at all?

Cassandra: This... is not a discussion I want to have here.

Varric: (laughs) Are you blushing, Seeker? Maker, the world really is coming to an end.

Or

Inquisitor: Perhaps Cassandra—and her conquest—would rather not discuss this in public.

Varric: Spoilsport.

Or

Varric: Nothing? You do know he's standing right there...

Cassandra: I... have no conquests.

Varric: How about dalliances? Liaisons? Illicit affairs?

Cassandra: No.

Sera: Enough poking, Varric.

Varric: Is it, Buttercup? Is it?

It a rather humorous affair, but it does show that Varric at this point is comfortable prodding Cassandra's love life, figuring out how far he can push.

Which speaks for itself at how close these two have gotten at this point.

Cassandra: Very well, Varric. If you wish to know about men I have known, I will tell you.

Varric: Look, Seeker. I was only...

Cassandra: You are right. I pried first, and fair is fair. Years ago, I knew a young mage named Regalyan. He was dashing, unlike any man I'd met. He died at the Conclave.

Varric: Oh.

Cassandra: What we had was fleeting. And years had passed. Still, it saddens me to think he's gone.

Varric: I'm sorry.

Nothing to add here, just that Varric sorta gets sad when he realizes that was friendly prodding touched a very bitter and sad point from Cassandra's pain.

For which he apologizes.

Varric: Look, Seeker, I didn't mean to make you talk about your mage friend.

Cassandra: I know. I was not trying to make you speak of Bianca. If I was, you would know. I would yell, books would be stabbed.

Varric: (Chuckles.) I'll keep that in mind.

Also as the game reaches the end section, Varric and Cassandra begin to really banter in a much more friendly way.

Cassandra: I still don't understand how drakes take that hand.

Varric: ...Hmm. Maybe we should start you on Shepherd's Six.

Cassandra: Isn't that a children's game?

Varric: Yeah.

When trying to teach Cassandra card games at this point in the story, Varric has the perfect set up for a punchline like he did in the early game, but he doesn't use it, because he isn't mocking cassandra here, he's genuinely trying to teach her how to play cards.

And so he suggest starting her off with something simple, like a card game for children, cause he understands thats where she has to start at her level.

There are plenty more, but most of it is just well written, engaging or funny back and forths. But before moving on, i wanna highlight two of them.

Varric: Did you really think the Conclave had a chance of making peace, Seeker?

Cassandra: You do not?

Varric: What was the Divine's plan? Bring everyone together and hope really hard that they would all get along?

Cassandra: Most Holy did not confide her plan to me. Perhaps she thought they were tired of death and conflict.

Varric: Oh, when is that ever been true? For Templars or mages.

Cassandra: I will not mock a dead woman, Varric. She did what she could, and that is more than most.

This conversation is very important for one simple reason. It showcases how much Varric has changed since DA2. Varric used to be one of the big believers in compromise in that game. He didn't come out and say it out right, because in that game the Templar far and away were the more evil faction, and so there was way more chances for Varric to stick up for mages, but Varric really, REALLY didn't want the mages and Templars to go to war.

He had so many friends in both factions, friends he knew would die if it ever did come to true blows.

I would say that varric was probably the best example of what neutrality in such a situation should have been. Someone who is neutral because he understood thst fundamentally, both sides even at their worst, were people. Not demons, not monsters, but human beings or elves. But unlike many others who clamor for neutrality, Varric wasn't stuck up his own ass about it.

If he saw one side go over the ljne, regardless of which it was, he would not just stand by wheter it was power hungry necromantic blood mages, or Templars like Ser Alrik.

But here, he mocks the very idea of neutrality. He has completely given up on it, and he's accepted that the only solution here, is for one side or the other will have to decisively crush the opposition.

Of course he doesnt come out and say it like that, but that's the message to take away here. So long as there is a templar or mage on the field, this war will continue. He doesn't like that fact, but he has accepted it.

Cassandra: I hear reconstruction is progressing well in Kirkwall.

Varric: I know things are bad there.

Cassandra: I wasn't trying to...

Varric: You weren't trying to remind me how bad is it in Kirkwall? So you decided to talk about it?

Cassandra: About its recovery!

Varric: What you're talking about are the buildings, and even that will take years. People don't recover so easily.

Kirkwall, that is to say, the Kirkwall Varric was born in, grew up in, and spent the happiest years of his life(When he was running there with Hawke), is dead and gone, and never coming back.

He is never getting it back.

Which will be very important for the next companion's banter.

Blackwall

Blackwall is different than the rest of the crew in that he's utterly reliant on the Banter to have any sort of presence. He has no charisma in the actual game, but he does showcase a much more entertaining character in banter.

In regards to Varric though, his mian purpose is to showcase aspects of Varric we don't often see.

One of the most important comes very, very early into their relationship.

Blackwall: I once met a dwarf who made the best home-brewed ale.

Varric: I once met a Grey Warden who got possessed by a spirit and then blew up a Chantry and killed a hundred people. What makes people think you want to hear what others of "your kind" have done, anyway?

This is a moment that is:

1. Very uncharacteristic of Varric, who usually loves talking about other people if he gets any excuse to do so, and will be demonstrated in a very similar moment in his banter with the Iron Bull, only with a different reaction.

2. It's here to showcase Varric's hatred for Anders. Other than Sebastian, Varric misses pretty much the entire DA2 cast, his true best friends... Except for Anders.

Varric LOATHES Anders for his actions, for kickstarting the Mage Templar War and getting lots of his friends killed, but also for destroying his home and making his own worst fear come true.

Varric's biggest fear as shown in the fade is becoming his parents... And that's exactly what he has become in DAI. The depressed exile from a home city that he can never return to, and if he does, it won't be the same life they miss so dearly. Varric misses Kirkwall. He misses it's people, the Hanged man, and always thinking back on the glory days of his life.

And he misses Hawke.

All lost to him and never coming back, all thanks to Anders. Varric can never return back to that time, that place, that era, that friend group that was the highpoint of Varric's life, because the city of Champion Hawke and Varric the sidekick is as dead and gone as his parents.

The hanged man will never be the same, Hawke will never be the revered Hero they were after act 2, and every single one of the countless friends that Varric misses will not come back.

And so he hates Anders with a level of hatred he reserves for very, very few people.

The rest of Varric's starting relationship with Blackwall is about him trying to figure out what makes him tick, innitially pegging him as another Sebastian. Boring, safe, droll.

He also has more banter where he shows how depressed he actually is about Kirkwall.

Blackwall: I've been to Kirkwall. The Hanged Man, actually, probably been twenty years now. It was a dive if I remember correctly.

Varric: It's the dive. Filled with the best and worst people in the world.

Blackwall: Yes, I heard it was a haunt of yours.

Varric: Haunt? It was home.

He finally clicks with Blackwall, as they get into a shared passion nobody else in the party has. Jousting. The sport consistent of knocking people of horses with pointy sticks.

As a Free Marcher Varric has grown up with the Grand Tourney as a focal point of his identity, and loves the sport, so he and Blackwall bonds and argues over the sport, with the most notable part being their disagreements over who is the better jousting knight, where he also gives his own cents in the form of a meta commentary between who is the better protagonist, the Hero of Ferelden or Hawke.

Blackwall: You can't really think Reeve Asa is a better knight than Honorine Chastain. Her record's flawless. Four hundred jousts, never unseated. No one's ever come close to it.

Varric: Oh, she's easily the most skilled. That's a fact. It's just "scrappy" is better than "flawless." I like heroes who try their damnedest, even if they fail a lot. It's easy to be valiant when you always win and everything goes your way. There's nothing great in that.

The rather unsubtle meta message here, is comparing the protagonists of the first games.

The warden is the stronger, more skilled and more competent protagonist who ultimately always triumphed, changed the world, and became heralded far and wide as the greatest hero of her age.

Meanwhile Hawke is the scrappy underdog hero who always gets back on their feet regardless of how hard they fall, and never actually suceeds in anything. Hawke is a failure Hero who couldn't save their mother, their city, at least one of their siblings, maybe two, Ketojan, couldn't prevent the Qunari attack, and constantly failed to save the day through DA2.

Now i don't really agree with this rather simplistic reading of the Warden, but it's a good scene, because it shows that Varric is more than capable of overlooking all the work, effort and time it takes to produce a "perfect" result, as well as show that Varric has a very hard preference for underdogs, and the stories they produce.

Which leads into his reaction when Blackwall confesses his sins.

Varric: Maybe I've been too hard on you.

Blackwall: Oh, so you don't think I'm dreadful now.

Varric: Actually, I thought you were boring before. Completely different. We're all dreadful. Every one of us, fundamentally flawed in a hundred different ways. That's why we're here, isn't it? Take all the risks, so the good people stay home where it's safe. With the whole "Blackwall" thing, you told a story so compelling even you started to believe it.

Blackwall: That's much nicer than saying "You're a dirty liar.", I'll take it.

Varric: A story-teller's got to believe his own story, or no one will.

Here we can gleam a sad fact. Varric very pointedly notes "we're all dreadfull", as Us, as in, him included.

Varric doesn't really consider himself a good person anymore, if he ever did.

It's not like the Varric of Yesteryear considered hinself a saint or some knight in shining armor, but there was a sense that he was happy with himself during that game, in a way he is not in DAI.

Something has changed, and that something is guilt over unleashing the red lyrium on the world, and probably guilt over killing his own friends.

It's not really focused on as much as it should be, but Varric had plenty of friends amongst both the mages and Templars... Which meant that when Anders blew up the chantry, regardless of which side you picked, Varric was forced to kill people who genuinely mattered to him.

Hence why he's so quick to forgive Blackwall for his lies.

For the most part this generally manifests itself in regards to Red Lyrium, which he blames himself for bringing into the world. I would argue that the more subtle parts you get to see in Banter though, is far, far more interesting and better told than the stuff in the main quest.

Because despite his flaws he "takes all the risks, so the good people won't have to.", just like Varric and Hawke.

This is in large amount what Varric in Inquisition is for the most part all about. Guilt, self loathing, and wanting to be a better person.

He just masks it with his usual wit, charm and charisma.

Kinda like Blackwall, only he doesn't really have much charisma or wit to hide behind. Hence why he is so accepting of, and willing to give him another chance without question.

On a final note before we move on from Blackwall, we also get to see varric try to play matchmaker between Blackwall and Josephine which is cute, but not exactly surprising, or give us further insight into Varric's character.

Cole

Now, I'm not going to cover Cole here, not because the banter isn't interesting, or we don't learn anything, but that's all from the way we learn about the world, or Cole himself.

Varric's side of these banters can be summed up in one sentence, for pretty much every single banter.

Varric is Cole's dad.

Rinse, repeat.

Dorian

Similarily, I will not be covering the banter with dorian, not because it's bad, far from it, it's some of the most entertaining in the game, but it doesn't exactly add much beyond the fact that both Varric and Dorian love to gamble, and share witty banter.

Also nugs has some creepy ass feet. The stuff of nightmares.

The Iron Bull

Far more to be dissected, can be found in Varric's banter with the Iron Bull.

There is so much to learn from this banter, from Spy work to how the Antaam is viewed by the other Qunari and so on, but we'll focus on the stuff relating to varric, as he and bull talk about a lot of things.

Varric: You're not the first Ben-Hassrath I've run across. Hawke and I went on a caper with one named Tallis.

Iron Bull: You don't say.

Varric: She caused us no end of trouble. You wouldn't know her by any chance?

Iron Bull: Hey, one time I ran into this dwarf on the road. Short, grouchy. You think you might know him?

Varric: I'm in the Merchant Guild. Ten royals says I not only know him—he owes me money.

Iron Bull: Oh. Well... no. I don't know Tallis. Sorry.

In stark contrast to his talk with Iron bull, when not involving Anders or other people he hates, Varric loves to talk about people. To the point that in his comeback to Iron Bull, there is an invitation here for Bull to specify who this random dwarf was, because chances are, he actually might know him, and could elaborate on the guy.

Varric: How could you possibly be a spy?

Iron Bull: Well, it's a pretty easy job. I do some fighting, and drinking, and then once in a while I tell Par Vollen about it.

Varric: Heh. Where's the sneaking, the plotting, the subtle machinations?

Iron Bull: If you do that, everyone knows you're a spy. Drinking, fighting, writing notes, that's all it really takes.

Varric: Shit. You're either the worst qunari ever, or the best. I can't decide.

He also showcases great frustration with the way Iron Bull pokes holes in his Bond like spy writing, in favor of the mundane realities of Cloak and Dagger stuff.

Because for all that he prides himself on tall tales, varric does like his writing to somewhat be plausible. Its why he gets pissy at the inquisitor when he tells him how stupid so many parts of DA2 were writing wise, cause Varric wrote it how it happened, and while embelishing it, it was mostly true.

And if his spy writing isn't realistic enough that it might plausibly happen... Then it's not as good as it could be.

Iron Bull: By the way, Varric, you write some nice fight scenes.

Varric: Well, thank you. I'm surprised you think so. They're not exactly realistic.

Iron Bull: I figured that out when the good guy did a backflip while wearing a chain mail shirt.

Varric: And that didn't bother you?

Iron Bull: Back in Seheron, I fell on a guy who tried to stab me in the gut. I felt the blade chip as it went through my gut and hit my back ribs. But I was alive, and on top. I sawed through the armor on the rebel's neck, back and forth, until it went red. I don't need a book to remind me that the world is full of horrible crap.

Varric: Impossible swashbuckling it is.

Meanwhile, this bit is surprisingly layered.

First off, there is Bull's retelling and describing the way he dealt with the Vint while bing impaled as "realistic". If this was not a world with magical healing such as potions or poultices he'd had died from this incident, due to infection if nothing else. That's meant as a bit of meta irony.

But the actual meat of this, is that Varric is just letting Bull rant.

The whole "Backflip while wearing chainmail armor" is something Hawke can literarily do in DA2, Provided you are a rogue Hawke and has high enough stats. If so, when hit by a trap, Hawke will simply backflip out of the way, even if wearing chainmail armor.

It is the kind of shit that for a long was normal for Varric, and he writes it into his fight scenes(Which he has a self dig at calling them not realistic, despite having seen shit like that for himself all the time).

But he doesnt say any of that.

Instead he just lets Bull rant, get it out there how shitty he really feels, because varric knows when to talk, and when to listen, and here is a time to listen.

Varric: So, Bull. You and Dorian?

Iron Bull: Mm-hmm.

Varric: "Two worlds tearing them apart, Tevinter and Qunari, with only love to keep them together."

Dorian: I don't see how this is even remotely your business, Varric.

Iron Bull: Could you make it sound angrier? "Love" is a bit soft.

Dorian: Please stop helping the dwarf.

Varric: How about passion?

Iron Bull: Yes, that's better. Love is all starlight and gentle blushes. Passion leaves your fingers sore from clawing the sheets.

Dorian: You could at least have had the courtesy to use the bedposts.

Iron Bull: Hey, don't top from the bottom.

Varric: Passion it is, then.

Also, i wanna highlight his banter with bull, if he and dorian hook up, and if both are with him in the party. It's really the only bit of Dorian varric banter with real character meat to it, as it puts Dorian's rarely seen tsundere side on full display, and why he makes such a good match with the easy going, yet equally passionate iron bull.

Iron Bull: Hey, Varric, I was reading your stuff... Where do your bad guys come from?

Varric: Well, some of them come from Tevinter and some are Ben-Hassrath spies... but I like the stories where the villain was the man beside you the whole time. The best villains don't see themselves as evil. They're fighting for a good cause, willing to get their hands dirty.

Iron Bull: All right, that's really deep and all, but I meant where do the bad guys come from literally? The way you write it, it's like they just fall from the sky and land on top on the hero.

Varric: I like to leave some things to the reader's imagination.

Also, final bit i'll cover of these two here. It's both a meta hit of writing in that it's supposed to be about solas, but can also apply to Iron bull, and is a self depreciating dig on the single worst gameplay mechanic from DA2.

Sera

So, as with Cole and Dorian, im not covering this sequence of banter as it doesn't really reveal much about Varric as a character. Its generally just Sera trying her usual bullshit, and Varric taking the piss out of her, much to her frustration.

Im not exactly a big fan of Sera, and even here, where most of their dialogue is about Varric basicaly running rings around her, don't really makes me smile.

There is one bit of banter though, that i do want to highlight.

Sera: (sing-song) La la la la la, Sentinals are shits.

Varric: Like it or not, Buttercup, that’s where you come from.

Sera: Says the undwarfiest dwarf ever!

Varric: Fair enough. Paragons can be shits too.

So, this one i feel is extremely important, for the reason that it goes to showcase that 1. Sera doesn't understand Varric in the slightest, and 2. Really goes to showcase Sera's complete and total lack of self awareness, and just how out of touch she is, raiding other people's homes, and calling them shits for defending themselves.

But that second one i'll save for Sera's banter review.

For this one, I want to highlight how Varric, just like Dorian understands and more importantly loves the Culture he originates from. He knows how shitty dwarven culture can be, and will never avoid taking the piss out of it for all it's flaws, but he also admires it. He admires their ability to create marvels, their grit and determination that has seen them take on the Darkspawn for a hundred years and still stand, and the individuals that stood up and above the rest to serve as legends, just like Hawke and the Inquisitor.

There is a reason his hangouts in both games are decorated full of very traditional dwarven furniture. Because he wants to live in a home that looks dwarven.

Because the past is important.

It's a bit of wisdom he tries, and fails to impart to Sera, that you simply trying to pretend your roots don't exists never works. And he's right. Even though Sera never admits wrong on her own part, she fully admits she burnt out on this spiteful hatred in Tresspasser.

Solas

Solas and Varric's banter though, is far, far more interesting.

Both of them are tricksters, both value the past greatly in their own way, both understands the power of a story, both of them lie to the Inquisitor, and both would rather remain the side character than step up to take the spotlight.

And yet they are different. Opposites almost.

One of Varric's defining feature as a person is that he cares about all his friends and how those friendships transcends the chains of status, having become friends with dwarves, Qunari, kossiths, humans, elves, templars, mages, seekers, antivans, fereldens, kirkwallers, orlesians, tevinters, anders, revains, avvar, and so on.

Solas single defining feature is how he sees everyone he does not knows except for his own, very small list of what he considers countrymen, as not things, and is willing to destroy the world for them to prosper.

Varric stays out of the spotlight cause he likes being the power behind the throne. Solas does it because as the Herald's Judas, he doesn't want anyone to question the many, many questions about him further than they have to.

Varric lives in the present, but respects the past. Solas in the past, and is terrified of the present.

Which leads to some of the most interesting banter in the game.

Solas: By the end of Hard in Hightown, almost every character is revealed as a spy or a traitor.

Varric: Wait, you read my book?

Solas: It was in the Inquisition library. Everyone but Donnen turned out to be in disguise. Is that common?

Varric: Are we still talking about books or are you asking if everyone I know is a secret agent?

Solas: Are there many tricksters in dwarven literature?

Varric: A handful, but they're the exception. Mostly they're just honoring the ancestors. It's very dull stuff. Human literature? Now there's where you'll find the tricky, clever, really deceptive types.

Solas: Curious.

Varric: Not really. Dwarves write how they want things to be. Humans write to figure out how things are.

Solas questions Varric about the to him, alien Dwarven liturature, trying to figure out what the new, "lesser" dwarves might write about when no longer part of a hivemind.

Varric gives it to him straight, but there is a deeper bit of character here.

Varric is able to explain this to Solas, because as a man who understands Dwarven culture, strengths, flaws, and weaknesses, and how it ticks, as well as undoubtedly having read a lot of dwarven literature, Varric is able to point out all it's shortcomings, or more accurately the way Human and Dwarven literature trends differentiate due to different cultural values.

Varric: You really spend most of your time in the Fade?

Solas: As much as is possible. The Fade contains a wealth of knowledge for those who know where to look.

Varric: Sure, but I don't know how you dream, let alone wander around in there.

Varric: Especially when the shit that comes out of the Fade generally seems pretty cranky.

Solas: So are humans, but we continue to interact with them... when we must.

Here Varric pries a bit into a topic he(If you took him with you in night terrors) only has experienced once before for himself, from someone who knows more about the fade and the veil than anyone.

Solas ends it on a much darker note than Varric assumes though, as what he means is, we have to tolerate them "for now."

Solas: Is it true that the entire dwarven economy relies upon lyrium?

Varric: Mostly. We've got the nug market cornered as well.

Solas: And the dwarves of Orzammar have never studied lyrium?

Varric: If they have, they certainly haven't shared anything up here. Why?

Solas: It is the source of all magic, save that which mages bring themselves.

Solas: Dwarves alone have the ability to mine it safely. I wondered if they had sought to learn more.

Varric: The folks back in Orzammar don't care much about anything but tradition.

So here we have Varric flat out bullshit Solas in several ways. He knows way more about lyrium than most, having studied red lyrium himself, and yet he does not give that information to Soals, the way he does with the Herald, showing that deep down, Varric trusts you far more than Solas, if not as much as Hawke.

He also knows that both surface and underground Dwarves have deeper knowledge of lyrium than any human, being it's the source of all the enchantments and magic, and that while they might not know it's origins, they understand how it works, and how to use it, transport it, store it, and so on.

If there is one thing Orzammar is good at, and not stuck in tradition, it's exploiting Lyrium to the hilt.

And yet he bullshits Solas about it completely. Because this is an early banter, the likely reason is simply that he does not trust him.

Which given his other important lies is not surprising.

And solas later recognizes this.

Solas: I find the fall of the dwarven lands confusing.

Varric: What's so confusing about endless darkspawn?

Solas: A great deal, although that is a different matter. Dwarves control the flow of lyrium. They could tighten their grip on it.

Varric: It's hard to get the attention of the humans when the darkspawn aren't up here messing with their stuff.

Solas: You're active in the Carta. You know your people could tug the purse strings. You could claim sovereign land on the surface, or demand help restoring the dwarven kingdom, but you don't.

Varric: You're not saying anything I haven't said myself, Chuckles. Orzammar is what it is

Solas Attacks Varric's arguments from adifferent angle here, without directly calling him a liar from the banter before, as he points out just how much power Orzammar has through it's economic might, how even if they know how to use Lyrium so effectively, they haven't been wielding that might to effecrively hammer out an anti Darkspawn coalition to crush the darkspawn in their own dens and wipe them out from the source.

Realistically, the dwarves are rhe only ones who could see it done, and yet they havent. Because before Bhelen, there was never a king willing to upend the entire system to get results.

Varric doesn't actually give his direct thoughts in this bit of banter, but it goes into future ones. Before that though, im gonna quickly cover another bit of banter.

Solas: Do you ever miss life beneath the earth? The call of the Stone?

Varric: Nah. Whatever the Stone - capital S - is, it was gone by the time my parents had me.

Solas: But... do you miss it?

Varric: How could I miss what I never had?

Varric: But say I did have that sense, that connection to the Stone. What would it cost me?

Varric: Would I lose my friends up here? Would I stop telling stories?

Varric: I like who I am. If I want to hear songs, I'll go to the tavern.

Solas: You are wiser than most.

Solas worships the past, to such a degree that he thinks being part of a hivemind under the titans, must have been better for the Dwarves, because of what it allowed them to accomplish by magic, and more importantly that it's what they used to be.

And what they used to be, must be better than what they are now, because the past is better.

Meanwhile Varric is content with the present. He never had stone sense, so why worry about it? Why dream of it, why become his parents? That would be absolutely awful, so why not embrace what you have now.

Though Solas doesn't know it, his backhanded praise here is actually even moreso than he knows.

Its backhanded by intention, because he acknowledges that varric is wiser than those who would wail about their lost glory... But as we'll see in the following banter, he regards all Dwarves, regardless of wheter they are like Varric, as lessers and fools. So varric is better... But he is still a fool.

Meanwhile, on Varric's part, it's even more backhanded than Solas intends because Varric is doing exactly what he's saying he isn't here.

Dreaming of glory days when all was simplier and he was a happier man. He's not dreaming of stone sense itself, but the sentiment is the same.

And he knows it. That's one of the saddest things about Varric in DAI. He became his parents, his worst fear, but he's very much aware of that fact.

Solas: Is there at least a movement to reunite Orzammar and Kal-Sharok?

Varric: What is it with you, Chuckles? Why do you care so much about the dwarves?

Solas: Once, in the Fade, I saw the memory of a man who lived alone on an island. Most of his tribe had fallen to beasts or disease. His wife had died in childbirth. He was the only one left. He could have struck out on his own to find a new land, new people. But he stayed. He spent every day catching fish in a little boat, every night drinking fermented fruit juice and watching the stars.

Varric: I can think of worse lives.

Solas: How can you be happy surrendering, knowing it will all end with you? How can you not fight?

Varric: I suppose it depends on the quality of the fermented fruit juice.

Solas: So it seems.

---

Solas:: I am sorry to have bothered you with my questions about your people Varric. I see so much of this world in dreams. Humans, my own people, even qunari. Dwarves alone were lost to me, save scattered fragments of memory where some spirit cared to watch. Now I know why I see so little.

Varric: And why is that?

Solas:: Dwarves are the severed arm of a once mighty hero, lying in a pool of blood. Undirected. Whatever skill of arms it had, gone forever. Although it might twitch to give the appearance of life, it will never dream.

Varric: I'd avoid mentioning that to any Carta, Chuckles. They might not take it the right way.

---

Varric: What's with you and the doom stuff? Are you always this cheery or is the hole in the sky getting to you?

Solas: I've no idea what you mean.

Varric: All the "fallen empire" crap you go on about. What's so great about empires anyway?

Varric: So we lost the Deep Roads, and Orzammar is too proud to ask for help. So what? We're not Orzammar and we're not our empire.

Varric: There are tens of thousands of us living up here in the sunlight now, and it's not that bad.

Varric: Life goes on. It's just different than it used to be.

Solas: And you have no concept of what that difference cost you.

Varric: I know what it didn't cost me. I'm still here, even after all those thaigs fell.

---

Solas: You truly are content to sit in the sun, never wondering what you could've been, never fighting back.

Varric: Ha, you've got it all wrong, Chuckles. This is fighting back.

Solas: How does passively accepting your fate constitute a fight?

Varric: In that story of yours—-the fisherman watching the stars, dying alone. You thought he gave up, right?

Solas: Yes.

Varric: But he went on living. He lost everyone, but he still got up every morning. He made a life, even if it was alone.

Varric: That's the world. Everything you build, it tears down. Everything you've got, it takes. And it's gone forever.

Varric: The only choices you get are to lie down and die or keep going. He kept going. That's as close to beating the world as anyone gets.

Solas: Well said. Perhaps I was mistaken

This entire banter line is about Varric and Solas.

On solas part it's about his very well spoken and articulated racist opinions on the modern dwarves compared to those who came before and trying to rack his brian around them not going to the lengths he himself would have gone to save their race.

Also the fact they are no longer part of the Titan hivemind. He's really stuck on that for reasons we don't really fully understand.

However, far, far more importantly this is about Varric's entire storyline in DAI.

Varric talks about Orzammar, about the loss of the deep roads, and yet they are all still there, still fighting, still marching on, rather than laying down and dying.

That is the true strength of the Dwarven race.

The ability to keep going even after losing everything. The original dwarves lost the titans and their magic. They marched on.

The dwarven empire lost the deep roads, and all but two thaigs. They marched on.

The surface dwarves lost their caste the last remains of their magic, and their status in dwarven society. They marched on.

Varric lost kirkwall. He lost his entire friend group that was the people who he loved more than any other group of people he has ever know. He lost his home that he grew up in and loved. He lost his parents and he lost Barthrand, the only remaining family he had, and who despite it all deeply, deeply loved. He lost Bianca, a teenage infatuation he never was able to get over.

And he lost Hawke. Either to Anders kickstsrting the war, or to the fade.

He lost everything he loved.

And yet He. Marched. On.

Varric's story in DAI is an understated one, one that isn't really given story focus, but unlike all the rest of the attempts at telling a more subtle story with the companions, this one actually worked.

Varric's story, is about his march onwards.

He lost everything due to Anders actions, and yet here he is. Marching forward through life. He hasn't laid down and died. He's still here. He's still fighting.

He still has hope.

And so he marches on through the twilight of his life, and keeps going, even if he loses Hawke forever... He keeps going, and he makes it through his depression, and grief to make a new life for himself in Kirkwall.

A new Kirkwall, but Kirkwall nonetheless.

Solas: That crossbow is remarkable, Varric. I am surprised the dwarves have not made more of them.

Varric: The woman who made Bianca would rather that not happen. Wars are bloody enough as it is.

Varric: A crossbow that fires this far and this quickly with so little training? Every battle would be a massacre.

Solas: Indeed. I am surprised, not disappointed.

Here we get a lot of insight into Varric... But also a moment of great moral ambiguity.

Everything Varric says here is true... But it would also mean his people finally, finally being able to destroy the darkspawn for good and all. Such a tech advantage would allow them to wipe the blighted Creatures from existence with ease.

Varric is more than brilliant enough to understand this... But he chooses not to think about it, or wheter it's a good course of actions, because he is shackled to Bianca even now, even still.

Bianca wants this crossbow not to be on the market, so he doesn't put it on the market, regardless of good or bad.

Varric: Hey Chuckles, do you ever play Wicked Grace?

Solas: I'm not much of a gambler anymore.

Varric: You don't have to play for real coin, that's just for keeping score.

Solas: What do you play for?

Varric: Conversation mostly. That way I win no matter how the cards fall.

This is a followup to Varric's original introductionary short story from way back in the day.

From that one we learn that Varric doesn't actually drink anything served at the Hanged man, he just orders a wine glass or beer mug, because he knows people get nervous if you don't drink in a bar, so he crafts an illusion to aid him in his rogue life.

Vivienne

So like a number of these I'm not gonna cover them in full, as while good, and well written, and paints a very clear picture of Vivienne, they're not exactly deep character pieces for Varrix... But I do wanna cover a few.

Vivienne: Am I to understand, Varric, that you knew the apostate who destroyed Kirkwall's chantry?

Varric: Unfortunately, yes.

Vivienne: What could he possibly have hoped to accomplish with such madness?

Varric: Exactly what he got: a whole lot of innocent people killing each other.

Vivienne: I take it he's no longer on your Wintersend gift list.

Varric: Depends. Does a flaming sack of bronto dung count as a gift?

Vivienne: Only if you tie it with a silk ribbon, my dear.

More Varric hating Anders, and laying all the blame of the Mage Templar Wars and ruining his life on him.

Vivienne: Tell me, Varric, who is the protagonist of this serial?

Varric: You know, we're so far into spoiler territory right now, I think I better stop talking.

Vivienne: Come now, darling. You can tell me.

Varric: Not on your life, Iron Lady. The best way to ensure a book's nevered finish is to tell someone your entire plot.

More Varric showcasing he cannot stand spoilers coming out, and it destroys his entire ability to write.

Vivienne: You know, Varric darling, I read your Hard in Hightown.

Varric: You did? Seriously?

Vivienne: Most of the Imperial Court did. It was in fashion a few winters ago.

Varric: Just how much gold is my publisher stealing from me?

One detail i really like about Varric, is that he tries to create this image of himself as always bring in control and all that... And then he has moments like this where his regular ass publisher swindles him for a shit ton of money.

Vivienne: How many chapters will this book be, Varric dear?

Varric: Well, the first one will come out in twelve chapters.

Vivienne: The first one?

Varric: I've read enough Orlesian fictions to know you never tell a story there in fewer than three complete books. They think you're just warming up after one.

Vivienne: And what happens to the scheming duchess in the first book?

Varric: Are you asking for spoilers, Madame De Fer?

Vivienne: Hints, darling. Not spoilers.

More Varric showcasing he understands other cultures and how they write stories.

[fountainpenguin]

Riddle watches New Wish - Post #22

Best of Wish

I enjoy Irep's grit-teethed remark when he mentions Anti-Fairies can't have godkids. He's just like his dad, for real, for real.

If he's this annoyed at the thought of Anti-Fairies not being allowed godkids, that kinda implies he wants one, which is interesting. Godkids were always one of Anti-Cosmo's interests, but never something Foop pursued on purpose or ever expressed interest in.

Please enjoy this cut Anti-Cosmo dialogue from an early script for "Fairly Oddlympics" that I think about constantly:

btw, there are a lot of funny deleted scenes in the old scripts that I love talking about, especially from this one, so if you find anything that catches your eye and post about it, you should @ me because I would enjoy reading your reactions <3

Plot twist - Irep is doing healthy things to work through his "scary godparent for Vicky" trauma while Peri's reaction to Vicky trauma was to cover his ears, hide behind his mom, and sing "La la la, la la la" to pretend she wasn't there.

Peri said his memories of childhood are blurry. I wonder if Irep remembers his childhood better since he was fully able to talk and comprehend things back then.

"Once a fairy quits, any magical being can take their place!"

I mean... Technically yes, but you used to have to sing for it. lol.

The Pixies, who are literally last in line for godkids below all other magical beings (including pegasi, bigfeet, and lake monsters), watching Irep stroll in like: ???

- which imo was implied to be a punishment for their race after H.P. was godparent to some unconfirmed kid I've been headcanoning was Dale for 7 years-

Actually, I like the implication that Irep was so fast to snipe Dev because he's been stalking them since he found out Peri was assigned a godkid.

Irep: Once a fairy quits, any magical being can take their place! Wanda: Peri didn't quit! He was waiting for you to call! Cosmo: He thought you two were on a break! Me: ... ?????? Peri was waiting for Irep to call and take him back? Run that by me again??

... I legitimately cannot tell if they're addressing Dev or Irep. Irep was the last person to speak, but Dev speaks next. Rewinding and listening to the conversation again, I can use my context clues to see they're probably looking at Dev (who is offscreen), but ?? why would you frame it that ambiguously.

Did anyone else get confused here or was that just me?

Also this has done nothing to disprove my previous "Peri is clingy especially where break-ups are concerned" interpretation.

I like how the very first wish Dev makes in this scene isn't for his dad to love him, but for Bev to love him.

How many kids in this class have names that rhyme with Dev and why is he so determined to befriend them all?

?? Okay, so I was previously confused about Dev's friendships because I was pretty sure I remembered him saying in Episode 1 that he and Trev were friends, but we haven't seen them interact at all. I went back and checked, and here's what he says:

"That's Trev! He's my bud, so he probably won't give YOU the time of day."

I wish we got to see him hanging out with Trev. Did they split after Trev didn't come to his sleepover?

- I just checked; I don't see any evidence of Trev at Hazel's. - Hey, did Winn and Jasmine ever find out Hazel lied to them about living in a 5-star hotel? - In conclusion, we are being ROBBED of the Trev-Dev-Bev friend squad.

Looking back, it's very funny that Dev made an effort to introduce Hazel to people when she was the new kid despite that not being his job... including giving some glowing reviews of a few of their classmates, including "This guy's my bud, this person's cool, and I respect this other guy." He wants to talk...

Also, moon is full in New York.

I keep waiting for Irep's music to drop again, but it never does in this scene. It's stressing me out; why did it only drop in THAT scene?

The version I'm watching unfortunately doesn't include credits and I can't find it after a few quick searches, but if Guy Moon did the music for this episode and remembered how he used to do it for Foop and his alt personality when they would do their switch cues 14 years ago, and so when he saw that body language he did it again, I'm gonna lose it.

Surely not... But he had to do it for at least 3 seasons; maybe it just stuck??

I don't see him credited for A New Wish at all on his own IMBD or Wiki page either. idk who did this episode, but I liked it. Hi, I'm the target audience; it's me.

And Irep's still a leftie! Even after putting both hands on the mace handle to smash it down, it goes back to his left when he takes one hand off.

He even does the "sword fight" with his left hand. It's the boy!!!

?? Is Irep's hair both blue (like both his parents') AND black (the color his tuft was in the OG series)?

Are his roots black, but the color eases to dark blue the farther out it grows? That's fantastic!

I like how Peri's hair looks most like his mom's but with a faint slope implying his dad's influence is there, and Irep's hair best parallels his dad's, but he gets his curl from his mom.

Huh. Looks like we've retired the 5 magic colors and now we're just pink poofs and dark blue lightning. Which I'm okay with; I just wasn't paying attention until now. But I know lightning-shaped Anti-Fairy magic was canon in "School of Crock," maybe others.

This does deprive me of my usual 2nd-watch shtick of reading moods based on color. Alas.

I enjoy Hazel rescuing the news reporter, but letting her know that she's a big fan of her work.

Okay, Irep uses his right hand at the last second, but I consider this a win.

I went back and checked frame by frame because I'm a NERD, and funnily enough... It looks like he changes hands after Cosmo blasts him in the left arm. It's hard to tell with the poof cloud, but when you consider the direction he moved (buffeted backwards), that implies it was a left-side hit. It's probably just coincidence, but that's funny.

I like Dev's silly star shades during this scene:

Peri's back!! Old buddies, ol' counterpart pals... I love that teeny-tiny movement Peri makes with his fingers to symbolize air quotes around "quit."

"I never gave two weeks notice~!!"

Also, this definitely belongs in my collection of counterparts using the same body language for opposite moods. idk if we'll see more of that, but it excites me that my stash grows!

I like Peri patting Dev on the head.

"He's still my godkid! :)"

Ooh, snap. Local cousins (once removed) are here to lay down Da Rules, as von Strangles do.

Aw, I like how undoing Dev's cheating means Hazel ends up with the prize shirt. I guess that makes sense; it just wouldn't have been my first thought.

I'm glad adult Irep makes squeaky sounds when you squeeze him. I seem to remember OG Poof making squeaky sounds when he bounced off walls.

Aw, Peri having a happy hug with his parents again! Instead of him feeling like they're overbearing. That's great.

Peri once again proving he's a jealous, clingy ex. I don't think this kid was okay when he was pried away from Timmy and I don't think he took his parents' leaving him on his own for 10k years very well.

I really enjoy Peri's body language throughout this series. All his little twitches and arm rubs and flicking eyes... It says a million words. You could talk forever about him.

I enjoy Dev and Hazel a lot this series, but I think Peri's my favorite. With all his little anxieties and moments he avoids eye contact, you really get the sense that he's working through a lot of baggage.

I like how his instinct was to be honest with his parents and then he immediately regrets it and closes off his body language, avoiding eye contact. He retracts what he said and says something else that he thinks makes him look better. He's got a lot going on.

The fact that he makes this big, decisive head nod as he changes his story to claim he wasn't "jealously spying on Dev" after quitting as his godparent, but he was instead "very normally and confidently passing by" is fantastic. That's... not how people talk in normal conversation, Peri. But I'm glad you're telling me you struggle with confidence issues.

- I think everything I've seen of you supports that. You've been the biggest anxiety ball ever since you got here. - Peri is the guy who'd be on edge wondering if he did something to make everyone mad.

It took me forever to get the above screenshots so I had to keep rewinding, and I have to say... I'm obsessed with that itty-bitty head tilt he does to the left before he goes full right. Idk why it's there, but I like it. It's like a shrug, or like he's thinking through his lie? I enjoy.

Also that teeny-tiny head squirm when he's enjoying the hug with his parents. He's so cute.

Okay, that's pretty messed-up of Peri to laugh with his parents while Dev is in the background really upset. Like, Peri is literally talking about Dev behind his back

-> I wish they'd snuck hints of purple in the background to indicate Peri was there, like a milk carton or pencil or something.

-> I stand by everything I've previously said about Peri not being emotionally mature enough to godparent. His kid needs comfort after a tough experience! Dev just got snapped at and punished by authority and now he's sitting on the ground looking dejected, and Peri's over there giggling!

-> C'mon, man! Hazel clocked on and she's trying to do your job for you. She shouldn't have to do that! (Though it's nice of her to try comforting her friend).

Oop, Dev just yelled at Hazel (again) and Peri did not discourage or discipline him in any way, and tbh... I don't think he even noticed. Because he was laughing and talking about his godkid with his parents. Dude, get your crown in the game.

I love Hazel throwing her prize shirt in Dev's face and shouting that she "hopes it was worth it" <3

I still don't know how to spell O-pairs and at this point, I'm too afraid to ask.

omg, Dev wants to learn about Anti-Fairies. Are we going to get lore and culture? Drama...

PERI, your godkid's running away!! Oh no, he can't hear us... he's got anxiety...

[annabtg]

Okay so what are your favourite lilypad hc's? 🤩

Oooh Lilypad hc's?? Don't mind if I do! 🤩

As previously stated, Sirius is very soft for Lily. To the point that makes everyone go "who is this guy and what have you done to Sirius Black". They will tease each other, have their arguments at times, but he never snipes with malice at her or show her this bored/haughty side others see.

Lily is very much the same right back. I think they have this mutual understanding that the other hasn't got much love in their lives and they've put up shields to protect themselves; so they try to be a safe place for each other. They know the other appreciates and understands them and they find comfort in each other.

They are very handsy and physical. You will always find Lily sitting on his lap or Sirius holding her close. Not kissing and snogging in front of others, however. That's something that's only their own.

And god damn it they need their alone time. Every day. They look like such a balanced and cool couple to outsiders, with how they're not jealous and have their separate friends etc., but if they don't have some alone time every day (night, preferably) they will burst.

They do a lot of Muggle activities together. Go bowling, play poker, go to Muggle concerts. Sirius loves discovering new activities and Lily takes pleasure in showing/teaching him.

Unlike James, for whom gift-giving is a love language, Sirius and Lily are not very much into presents. They will give each other a gift on some special occasion, and it will be very thoughtfully chosen, but they're just as likely to leave a birthday go without a present if they haven't thought of anything good. Sirius has given Lily a couple of pieces of jewellery that she always wears and that's it for giving her any more wearable stuff. No clothing items, no lingerie, nothing like that. But he buys her these nice dress robes she needed to go to that wedding/event thing, because they went shopping together and why the hell not.

Books. Books books books. They are book nerds, both of them. Not literature, though - spellbooks, potions guides, science books, encyclopedias. They read them for fun and nerd out exchanging fun facts.

They're not the outdoorsy types the way James is - they're more activity oriented, like "let's go on a motorcycle ride" or "let's go stargazing" (they love stargazing together, and it's a very special activity for them). They won't just go out for a walk or a picnic.

They're also not foodies. Idk they just aren't. They both love tea, though.

They don't meet each other's family. Like, even in a universe where they stay together all their lives and there's no war and whatever, Lily drifts away from her family and Sirius is her person. I guess she invites them to the wedding, if there is one, but she doesn't care for family dinners and keeping in touch etc.. Being with him in all its effortlessness makes her realize there are some fucked up dynamics in her family that she doesn't need to put up with, and she definitely doesn't want to put him under their scrutiny.

Because yeah their being together is effortless. If it weren't, they wouldn't be together. Sirius would never make an effort to win a girl or change for anyone. He's a take it or leave it sort of person, and they just happen to fit so well they get and stay together.

And this is why if/when Lily falls in love with James, Sirius is like "okay then" and lets her be. What do you want him to do, beg? Put on a show to win her back? She's her own person with her own feelings. And James is a pretty great guy, actually, so good for her, really.

But there is no world in which they stop being physical. They may or may not stop having sex, but Lily would never get into a relationship with anyone who expects her to just stop sitting on his lap or snuggle close to him on the sofa. Their relationship, however long it lasts, is very deep, the kind of thing that leaves feelings that never go away, and their physical intimacy stems straight from that.

Thanks for this ask, I had a blast writing this :D

[fascinatedscrawls]

Phic Phight Prompt: Kwan starts a poetry club and invites everyone at school to the first monthly poetry slam. Some unexpected poets show up.

Word Count: 1881

For TheSilentBard

Summary: When Kwan revives the old poetry club he gets a bigger crowd than expected. Danny's sure no one is going to forget this meeting, especially not Mr. Lancer.

The club room is full to bursting, students - some excited, but most reluctantly - occupying each of the cheap chairs scattered almost haphazardly around the place. Slouched in one of the back corners, Danny watches Mr. Lancer pick his way through the messy array of seats to get to the front of the room with a dead-eyed stare.

"Excuse me, pardon me, please don't leave your - oof!" The teacher trips and nearly falls, barely catching himself on the back of a chair instead of braining himself on it and all Danny can muster the energy for at the sight is a slow blink. "Lord of the Flies, Mr. Baxter! Do be more careful with where you rest your feet!"

Closing his eyes even if he knows he can't sleep here Danny hears a snort which could only come from Sam. Technically, unlike him and Tucker, she isn't required to attend the club session for a chance at extra credit because she's acing the class.

"It hasn't started yet." Tucker points out helpfully, stylus still tap tap tapping away at his PDA. "You could leave. If you actually wanted to."

The teasing barb hits its mark once again and Sam slouches further into her seat with a tsk.

"I'm here to watch how hard this bombs." In her pause for emphasis, Danny can almost hear her rolling her eyes. "I haven't wasted fifteen minutes of my afternoon just to leave before the show even starts."

"So you admit that you're attending the new poetry club for fun." Tucker snipes, smile clear in his voice. There's a scuffle over Danny's head as Tucker ducks whatever Sam threw in retaliation. Used to it and too tired to participate, Danny slumps down until his head is resting on the back of his chair. The smooth plastic is uncomfortable and his spine is already protesting at the angle, but pushing himself back up is just too much work.

Now at the front of the room, Mr. Lancer speaks to Kwan at a volume that's likely a little louder than he thinks. Or, Danny grimaces as something else flies over his head and Sam hisses, it could be some kind of ghostly hearing he's developing.

Ancients he hopes its not that, but it would explain why he's finding it so hard to sleep these past few nights. Even for the evenings without ghostly visitors he's barely getting a couple of hours at a time. He opens his eyes to glare at the injustice of it all, which looks a lot like the pockmarked ceiling of the club room.

"Now, we're all very excited to see the old poetry club get enough interest and funding to finally return after over a decade with no members," Mr. Lancer says catching Danny's attention and likely repeating himself for what must be at least the third time if Kwan's disinterested smile is anything to go by. Two encouraging pats on his shoulder courtesy of their teacher twists his smile into something closer to a grimace for half a second before it settles into a more natural expression. "I know you had something in mind for the first meeting and hopefully, by offering that extra credit today you'll see membership continue to improve. However, if things go off the rails you can count on me to help with your inaugural meeting."

The words would likely be more comforting if someone didn't yelp in the back of the room just as he said them. Wincing, Danny closed his eyes at the loud noise before a tingle at the back of his throat made him straighten up abruptly. Eyes wide and far more alert than before, he stares open mouthed at a handful of ghosts calmly floating in through the closed door, drifting towards the front of the room without any care for who might be sitting in their way.

Another aborted scream or two rings out before Mr. Lancer even has a chance to turn to address it with a, "Edgar Allen P-"

The last of the English teacher's oft stated and highly creative use of the famous poets name as an epithet cuts off in the face of the man himself.

Or more accurately, the ghost himself.

Mr. Lancer coughs behind a hand, clearly having a hard time believing his eyes. At least a third of the room is on their feet, but when the ghosts do nothing more than mutter to each other they clearly start to relax. After months of ghost attacks and at least a few weeks of less dangerous hauntings happening all over town it looks like most of his classmates are willing to risk a sudden, potentially dangerous turn around in an attempt to earn a few more free points for class.

"Poe?" Mr. Lancer finally manages to squeak out. He looks ready to faint as the ghost nods a greeting (the ghostly raven on his shoulder doing the same, pulling a snicker from a few people around the room including Tucker), but holds it together with a gulp as he straightens his tie.

"Shakespeare, Poe, Dickinson, Frost - what do you know," Sam mutters as she identifies more of the ghosts on stage than Danny could have managed. It's no wonder she's actually passing the class. "Maybe this won't be so bad after all."

"How," Mr. Lancer visibly swallows back his nerves even as his hands shake. "How nice of you to join us. Will any of you be participating in our poetry readings today?"

"Yes. As always, we're here to share our works -" One of the ghosts (is it Frost or Dickinson? Wait, Danny corrects himself, he's pretty sure Dickinson is the lady actually) says before getting interrupted by the raven.

"Evermore!"

The ghost sighs at the spectral bird, but they clearly expected the interruption as they don't comment on it. Instead they go back to consulting with the ghost beside them, quietly discussing which poem they'd like to read today if their only faintly indistinct mutters are anything to go by.

"Delightful!" This has absolutely made Mr. Lancers day if not his whole month judging by his wide smile. He turns the slightly manic expression on Kwan who flinches under the force of it. "Perhaps we can hold off on your planned presentations until after our guests have, ahem, graced us with their works?"

It sounds less like a question and more like an order, especially when Mr. Lancer doesn't even wait for a response before motioning Kwan to a nearby seat.

Danny relaxes into his own with a light sigh of relief as the scattered conversations around them take on an edge of awed excitement. Not a fight then. Huh, he's actually not sure why he thought there was going to be one when clearly these ghosts are just here to indulge in their obsessions. 

He quickly puts the thought out of his mind and settles in to hopefully enjoy a performance straight from the horses mouth (maybe that will be what finally helps him understand iambic pentameter), which means he jumps along with half the students when the door gets kicked in.

"Freeze, ecto-scum!" Two white suited men shout in what has to be a practiced synchronization of words and poses. Both of them have ecto guns in their hands. Hilariously, neither of the  blasters are pointed anywhere near any of the ghosts.

"They should probably take off the sunglasses." Sam snarks, now on her feet and sounding more relaxed than her tense posture displays.

"But without them they'd just be odd wedding ushers." On Danny's other side Tucker eyes the GIW agents with all the suspicion they're due.

"I think they'd be just as blind either way," Danny points out, sliding his chair a little further back in case he needs to disappear behind his friends. It's looking more likely.

Or it is before Danny gets a look at Mr. Lancer's face.

Danny has done many things that his teacher does not approve of. He's missed class, forgotten homework, fallen asleep on his desk, and even attempted to cheat on his exams, but never before has he seen Mr. Lancer look like this. Instinctively, he finds himself hunching his shoulders in an attempt to make himself smaller, less noticeable, in the face of someone clearly ready to rain hellfire upon their enemies.

The GIW are making an attempt to aim at their foes only to find themselves blocked bodily by one enraged vice-principal.

"Gentlemen," Mr. Lancer grinds out, frowning hard enough that Danny starts to wonder if the expression hurts him to maintain. His words are polite, but the tone is very clear: he doesn't hold even an ounce of respect for these invaders. "Our poetry club was just about to start. Please see yourselves out if you plan to be disruptive."

The white suited agents protest loudly, but it's abundantly clear that between Mr. Lancer and the students who were excited for a chance to hear from the masters (or possibly, just very invested in this afternoon's extra credit) that they won't be capturing or shooting any ghosts today.

That's good, because Danny's too busy trying to slow his heart rate down after he finally noticed Sidney Poindexter hovering just behind his shoulder. It took Tucker pointedly clearing his throat and Danny's pretty sure he nearly jumped out of his skin at the sight of the glowing teen.

"I see you've found the Dead Poets Society," He pushes his glasses back into place with a bland look in the face of Danny's weak glare. "I had wondered where they got to when they missed our usual club meeting."

"They meet regularly?" Danny asks, but doesn't get more than a nod in response before Sam cuts in with a question of her own.

"Why at the school? I'm sure there's other good places to meet."

"I invited them and offered it as a neutral ground." There's a pause as Danny shares a look with Sam and Tucker, all of them imagining the circumstances behind some famous poets needing specifically 'neutral ground' to meet on. Danny winces as he suddenly remembers every bruise or worse that he's gotten since ghosts started visiting Amity Park's very clearly not-at-all-neutral ground. Sidney ignores their silent conversation, not looking away from the ghosts quietly arguing at the front of the room. "It certainly made the poetry club less repetitive, so I've let the weekly meetings continue."

"So what you're saying," Tucker grins as the door to the classroom is slammed shut and locked, muffling the indignant agents' argument, "is that we're definitely in for a show."

"Well, I could imagine worse ways to spend my afternoon." Arms crossed, Sam settles back into her chair and, following Sidney's example, ignores how Tucker's smile somehow reaches new heights of smugness.

"Well, at least it will be an interesting extra credit assignment."

And maybe, if he's lucky, it'll be a reoccurring one. Danny could really use the extra help passing any of his classes. Besides, if the stars in Mr. Lancer's eyes are anything to go by, Danny wouldn't be the only one checking in on the poetry club's weekly meetings from now on. Danny might as well get some extra points for keeping an eye on some positive ghost-human interactions.

[starrulet]

THE MILLION DOLLAR PENTAGRAM

I am actually a Magic Kaito fan disguised as a Detective Conan fan and when I found out they were showing the new DC film in my local cinema, I grabbed a friend and watched it.

This will contain spoilers of varying degrees, so read at your own peril.

It starts all anime and then you see your classic Det Conan character and you realize you really did spend 15 bucks on a movie with THAT style.

"It'S fOr KiDs" someone has decided, as a swordsman violently kills a gang of thugs onscreen, blood splattering everywhere.

Wow, Heiji takes "no homo" very seriously, huh?

I guess I'd be peeved too if my first kiss got almost taken by a no-good thief who doesn't even have the decency to be traumatized by it too.

I see the stained window and think "Someone's gonna crash through that".

I'm expecting it to be KID.

It's not.

It's Heiji on a motorcycle.

KID, Heiji is showing you up in terms of dramatics, you gotta up your game.

I don't remember Kaito having any skills in swordsmanship, did he pick it up specifically so he could at least somewhat defend himself against Heiji?

Good for Heiji, realizing Kaito looks a heck of a lot like Kudo. After Ran, I think he's the only other person to have seen Kaito's bare face. Please let Kaito Kuroba be a main character in one of these movies, WITH HEIJI AND RAN.

They really do nothing with this revelation, huh?

This is my first proper exposure to Okita. I like him. I can't remember much about him, but I think he helps it feel like Heiji does have a life outside of Shinichi.

Heiji and new swordsman boy almost have a competition over who gets to date Kazuha. My friend groans and complains about cringe. If I were Kazuha, I honestly would have grabbed Ran and left them both in the dust.

Listen, our detective boys gasped when they saw the cuts to KID's suit, I'm taking it for concern, not surprise at the style of the cut.

Conan: We saved your life. Will you give us exposition?

KID: Usually no, but this time, sure.

Heiji: Really?

KID: Sike! The exposition is an obligatory fetch quest, see ya suckers!

"Hi, lemme telegraph super easily to E V E R Y O N E that I am actually a disguised Kaitou Kid"

Either they've nerfed him, he exchanged competence as a kaitou for combat skills or he's trolling everyone, including the audience.

Or he can't copy a Kyoto accent to save his life. His one weakness outside of iceskating and fish.

This is my first proper exposure to Momiji, and honestly this rich girl is delulu.

I love delulu and I love her.

My friend is just confused by her. She hasn't interacted with Detective Conan in 15+ years. She doesn't know who half these characters are.

Y'all sleeping on Heiji and Ran's friendship, it's so cute.

My friend is right, the soundtrack is bizarrely good.

She agrees with me that Kaitou Kid is kinda the highlight of the film.

I bet if the Sniper had still been on the roof when Kaito got there, the boy would have been F E R A L.

Pretty sure Kaito has tamed those seagulls, the way he tamed his doves, i.e. they're his informants.

Why are you trying to snipe during rain? Are you stupid?

Mmmh, KID angst. Not on the level of Nightmare, but I'll take the crumbs over nothing.

THERE SHE IS. AOKO IN GLORIOUS 4K.

After seeing Aoko in fandom with fanon portrayals for a long time, it's weird to see her being so... normal.

Like no short temper or anything. Just a nice girl, having to act twice her age in a highly stressful situation.

um hello? Where's her mother who - it turns out - is still happily married to Ginzo???

After talking and interacting with Conan, Aoko says he reminds her of her friend as a child (Kaito as a kid- no not that KID). I think it's supposed to be just by appearance, but considering how she's interacted with Conan previously and is only staring at him as he rambles his long deduction, I feel like it's personality as well.

Basically, I consider it canon that Kaito Kuroba's childhood personality wasn't just cute and bubbly, but also absolutely terrifying, similar to "Conan"'s personality to a horrific degree.

And maybe without his horrible troll of a dad, Kaito wouldn't just have been a normal teen, but also become a detective, if Conan's ramblings really did remind Aoko of child!Kaito

I've somehow lost the plot, why is there suddenly a plane.

Conan: "You killed that dude, right? But more importantly, yoU TRIED TO KILL KID-" (This is exaggerated)

Good news for all Kidnichi nay-sayers: There is no Kidnichi in this film. I know. Amazing. Miracles do happen.

Why y'all complaining about the treasure? Isn't this the fictional Japanese equivalent to the Enigma Machine? You can't put a price on that! It's cultural heritage, not outdated junk!!! Put it in a museum!!!

Ah yes. Kaitou Kid's old little caricature - one with a moustache. I'm sure no one ever questioned why KID changed his signature charicature to something more childish.

Heiji confessed! But after a bomb exploded nearby, so I tell my friend there's no way Kazuha heard him (I'm right btw).

WAIT, STAR ISLAND IS REAL?

Man, I wish I could read what Kaito and Aoko are texting each other. I can't :(

"Why yes, my wife of 20 years, I DO have a brother I NEVER told you about. Why am I bringing him up now? Oh, just felt like it."

My friend thinks Yukiko's laughter in response is obnoxiously fake. It is now an insider joke.

I forgot Toichi's canonically alive and when Yukiko asked if the brothers were still in contact, and Yusaku was like "Yeah, we still are :3", I thought "DUDE, YOUR BROTHER'S BEEN DEAD FOR LIKE EIGHT YEARS DON'T LIE"

This means Yusaku has known for YEARS that his brother faked his death. Great.

No, Shinichi and Kaito don't know they're cousins. Their dads are doing amazing at keeping information from their boys. And wives, apparently.

WAIT. THE CLUMSY DETECTIVE WAS TOICHI??? I thought it was KID, and all the obvious "KIDs" were actually innocent...

Well, we now know Toichi does not shy away from violence. But I'm so disappointed that that wasn't KID. You know, protecting Conan AND avenging Nakamori...

As far as I'm concerned, the movies are canon from now on. This may not be news to fans, but it is to me

Ah yes, there he is, the new title holder of "Worst Dad In DCMK", Toichi Kuroba himself.

Or as my friend, someone with no idea of who Kaitou Corbeau is, called him: "KAITOU ADULT??"

Something something about winter, I am a Magic Kaito fan I do not care unless my boy is in it. So I will not watch the next movie, thanks.

My last complaint for the night: "It was good... But not enough Kaitou Kid" (to which my friend responded, he was in it plenty).

I think the sentiment stems more from not really getting much from Kaito's POV. The emotional focus was almost entirely Heiji's and weirdly, Ran.

Well, at least Ran did have something to do, I guess (poor girl was mostly sidelined :( )

Absolute last comment from friend: "Everyone is so normal, why is HE the only one wearing a CAPE?"

[fencecollapsed]

☕️ + every movie you've seen for the first time this year!

OOH that's a good one,, I have seen too many movies for the first time this year to try and do all of them though jfskn SO I am gonna go with the first ten I think of, I hope that is okay <3

Beau is Afraid - I really like Ari Aster's other two movies, and I knew this one was more divisive so I went in with an open mind. I wanted to like this movie but ehhh it just didn't do it for me. I don't think it's bad, I liked parts of it, and it's very clearly a personal passion project so I'm glad it exists on principle. but I think it dragged on a little longer than necessary and it was a little too mean-spirited to work for me the way I feel like it was meant to. still succeeds at being an absolute nightmare, just not one I find as resonant as Hereditary or Midsommar. also Aster clearly has some less than stellar opinions about homeless people.

Sunshine - hadn't heard of this movie til my mom told me about it but I really liked it! honestly it takes something a little special to get me properly invested in space movies, idk why, but this succeeds. probably because the cast is great and also the way the story events unfold is Terrifying. the way the sun is used as an unknowable terror is really cool. I'd call this movie viscerally beautiful in that, eldritch horror "so-horrible-it's-beautiful" kind of way? it's hard to explain it was just very striking to me. the third act gets a lot of flack from what I've seen and I do kinda get why, but I liked it, I don't think the twist is bad.

All My Friends Hate Me - oh baby this movie made me want to rip my skin off hgjsknfd y'know those posts that are like "horror movies have nothing on secondhand embarrassment"? well this is a horror movie about secondhand embarrassment. it's just failed social interaction after failed social interaction as the tension steadily builds and it is ROUGH. I've never hated seeing myself in a character as much as I haaaated seeing myself in Pete. if this shit happened to me I'd end up on the news. I feel like I have to Do Something to avoid this happening to me. nightmare of a movie. I liked it a lot.

Bottoms - I watched this on the plane when I went to Minnesota in April :] I wanted to see it in theaters last year and ended up missing it, and aughhh I really wish I'd gotten to see it in theaters cuz it's SO fun. so silly. absolute delight. I would like Ayo Edebiri and Rachel Sennott to star in ten more movies together please.

To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar - I adored this movie <3 it's fun and very genuinely kind, and Patrick Swayze's performance as Vida was just as phenomenal as that one post said. all three of the main drag queens were played so well, Wesley Snipes and John Leguizamo deserve praise for their portrayals, too. good movie.

Deadpool & Wolverine - I had fun! it's no masterpiece obviously and I definitely think the first two Deadpools are objectively better in terms of story and character work, but this one was very successfully fun and that's really the main thing I want from a Deadpool movie. excellent fight scenes. the opening credits were tailor made specifically for me, by the way. that was for Me-

Trap - I have seen one other M. Night Shyamalan movie in my time and it was a while ago so I can't speak on his whole catalogue, but folks who know his work better let me know what other movies of his are like Trap, cuz I enjoyed Trap. it's so fucking goofy I had a great time. nobody talks or behaves like an actual person and that's like half the charm. it's a nepotism movie to boost Saleka Shyamalan's music career and I respect that cuz it's not subtle and it's entertaining. not Amazing or anything but it's solidly fun.

Dream Scenario - the movie where Nic Cage plays a guy named Paul Matthews... strange movie!! bizarrely distressing at times. I was drunk with my bestie when I watched it so I think I'd have to watch it again to know how I really feel about it. I don't think I disliked it though. solidly surreal and interesting for sure.

We're All Going to the World's Fair - not as good as I Saw the TV Glow, imo, but still very good! very slow and quiet and somber. excellent use of its low budget. reeeeally captured that specific feeling of adolescence, holing up in your room and watching videos you probably shouldn't in the dark late at night. very "haha I did that" for me. also May Leitz was there!! which I still think is very cool. extremely niche cameo but hey I was the audience for it.

Saw - I think. that Saw is fine hgnkdmsg it's fine. it doesn't do for me what it seems to do for a lot of other people on this site, but I liked it fine. good ending definitely, the ending is probably the best part imo. that and Amanda's trap sequence, best parts. I am interested in the sequels, I don't know if I'll watch ALL of them but I'd like to dip into them at some point. I liked it fine.

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

I had to share this article because it is absolutely insane

“When we stayed in the view of character, this woman who went on the run as a child, had been running through time, a fugitive of time, living in apocalypses, never being able to relax or slow down, the novelty of walking into a 1980s McDonald’s looked appealing,” say Wright. “You play a Little League game and go to McDonald’s. You go to a kid’s birthday party at McDonald’s. Someone like Sylvie would never have experienced that, and would be really taken by that.” Like, in what world is the service industry something to be taken in by? This is a character that sniped at someone trying to be kind to her. Now we're expected to believe that she's works front counter where she has to deal with demanding costumers and employers that treat her with absolutely no respect.

I know they claim they just did this because it fits her character or whatever, but honestly after reading that article it kinda feels they were desperate to get a big brand advertising this so that more people will hear about it and perhaps they'll manage to salvage at the very least the S2 premiere. No matter how many times the criticism is silenced, there's a lot of people who didn't like the first season at all and won't be watching the second.

But anyway, back to Sylvie. I could understand if perhaps their idea was to show her watching kids with their parents and their friends sharing a moment together, and that would get to her because she never had that as she was taken as a kid from Asgard. But the thing is...

1) As per her own words in ep3, she knew she was adopted. So, they told her. So, we can at least assume her relationship with Odin and Frigga was better than Loki's. We don't know, because they never told us, cos this woman has no backstory!

2) Why the hell does that require her to actually work there? It would make more sense if she just went there to eat and people-watch. But anyway, maybe that will make sense in the story of the season, who knows.

To be honest with you, this just feels like another attempt to show her as this poor girl who never had anything and had to suffer so much... in contrast with Loki, the spoiled prince who always had it all and never had to endure a day of misery in his life. I bet anything you want that the angle of this entire McDonald's thing is going to have Sylvie telling Loki that she's a hard worker humble socialist "unlike him who has everything handed to him". You just watch. It's going to be the new "I've never walked so much in my life" of Season 2.

PS. Wasn't this series supposed to be about Loki? 🤔

[cerastes]

do you have any tips on beating mouthpiece and playwright with the leader squad? i had a lot of trouble fighting the big sad lock so some advice to help me prepare for the other two bosses would be very appreciated.

I'll make guides for them as well since I do get a significant amount of asks asking for help on those two. I can give you a more summarized rundown for now.

Leader Squad specifically is very good, those 5 shield lives allow you to get goofy with the rest of the run and take risks that would otherwise be unadvisable, whether it be with map selection, route selection, or in-map strategies. Make the most out of this to get as strong as possible through Emergencies. Leader Squad's weakness is the lack of otherwise any other tangible advantage: You have leeway, and that's it (though leeway is very strong, to be frank). Try to grab as many fights as possible at all times... Which is kind of a headache, because you DO want to get Encounters to actually get the Mouthpiece or Playwright routes.

The Troupe's Mouthpiece is the single most dynamic boss in the game, and the antithesis to Big Sad Lock, who is an extremely static boss. On your way to Mouthpiece, you ideally get Squad and Deployment size, at least one of the Berries, and at least one DP generator, but ideally at least two. These are the single most important aspects you can get for his fight, because you have to divide your team into two: Your static defense squad, and your attacker squad.

Red circles are your hold-down areas. Green squares are your DP gen tiles, so that way they don't get sniped by the Scarlet Singers (and so you don't have to waste deployments assassinating them, usually a net loss in time and overall DP). Blue squares are healers; Incoming damage in this map isn't big, but it's constant. A Berry, the Corrupting Heart, or an AoE Healer is enough per side. I recommend you deploy your Berry on the left, as that's where Mouthpiece goes to when he "enrages", so you can buy more time actually blocking him. Purple arrows are your lane hold-DPS. Again, incoming damage isn't high, so Guards, Dollkeepers, or offense-oriented Defenders (like Blemishine or Mudrock) are ideal. They are facing towards the statue tile so that they may attack it when they spawn there. Ideally this DPS Lane Holder has a permanent skill like Blaze S2 or Thorns S3, an steroid like Blemishine S3, or a burst option like Cutter S1 so they can actually deal damage to the statues. The ranged tile next to the DP tile and the Healer tile is for your Ranged DPS. Doesn't matter what type, they are there to help destroy the statues in your hold-down area, and deal damage to approaching units.

Now, here's where it gets fun! The other half of your squad is the attackers, here's where you want to have helidrop Operators, or the closest you can muster, in order to destroy the statues that will spawn across the map in their designated tiles. The statues, known as Mouthpiece's Helpers, deal constant True Damage to tiles around them, as well as halving the attack of the Operators in this selfsame area. For this reason, you want Operators that can quickly get in, deal lots of damage, and then get out. Skadi S2, Nearl the Radiant Knight S2, Lee S3, Jaye S2, Cutter S1, Ch'en S2, Phantom S2, Specter S2, Specter the Unchained S2 and S3, anything that you can drop, activate quickly, and then retreat is good. You'll be doing this a lot. There ARE ranged tiles you can also use but these are less advisable, as they are either in Mouthpiece range (he attacks two targets at once and deals significant Nervous Impairment + 1000 Arts Damage baseline per attack) or in Scarlet Singer range. If you must use these, then do assassinate the Singers.

Mouthpiece is a juggling game of managing your hold-down area while having the resources to keep deploying Operators to far away Helpers to destroy them. Once you lock down on your hold-down, the rest is making good judgment calls with your deployments. I would also advise keeping someone on hand for deployment to secure your hold-down every couple of minutes because the NI will keep building up on any side you don't have a Berry on (and having two Berries tends to be very rare).

I'll do a more complete guide on Mouthpiece later, same goes for Playwright. Very briefly, with Playwright, you want to deploy Operators diagonal to each other so Playwright's cross explosions don't gib your composition, otherwise have as much bulk and healing as you can, because unlike the other 3 final bosses of IS2, Playwright's map is very heavy on incoming damage, and you need to be able to either secure a firm line that won't explode to the immense Arts damage you'll be dealing with, or have enough means to deal with that otherwise, such as secondary deployments once your line explodes, fast-redeploys to hold the enemies that explode outside of range, etc etc. If you have her, Definitely Bring Nightingale. She significantly reduces the difficulty of the map thanks to her Arts mitigation (all relevant damage is Arts) and her Bait helps for emergencies with Playwright's global range. Also you need 1-2 units on the back to kill the Golems. Spawn camp the Golems. If you have Pozy, you can spawn camp and kill Playwright instantly, but that's an if. Nonetheless, if possible, you SHOULD spawncamp him to deal damage. Again, I'll make a proper guide but the important thing is, unless you are 100% sure you can kill him outright, DO NOT pop damage skills on Playwright Phase 1, because Phase 2 (50% HP) makes him VERY bulky (2000 Defense and 90 Resistance!), so save burst for Phase 2. And, it goes without saying, but ideally, you're using Physical damage if you don't have ways to placate his insane 90 RES.

[coldflasher]

Thallen ✨

Once again I am behind haha. This is a much more straightforward one. It's a no from me on this one! 1. Why don’t you ship it?

The main reason I don't ship this one is almost entirely because of Eddie as a person, to be honest. He's very sweet, but the man is so vanilla and I honestly don't think they really gave him much of a personality. They knew they were going to kill him off from day one, and I think because of that, they didn't really develop him much beyond "blandly nice, likeable dude." He's... saccharine, is probably the best way I can describe it. Very white picket fence. Don't get me wrong, I like him well enough, but there's a reason that I don't really include him in fics even as a love interest for Iris, and it's mostly because I don't think there's that much substance there and I have a hard time digging deeper into him because they never really gave us a lot to work with. What do we know about Eddie, other than that he's kind and a good boyfriend? Some very brief backstory about him being bullied that never gets explored and only serves to explain why and how he knows how to fight. That's kind of it. I absolutely can and will glom onto a side character with minimal backstory, but there has to be something to hook me in. We got a whole season of Eddie and I feel like he was less developed than some of the random metas of the week that we've had for a single episode.

To be fair, Barry also throws a spanner in the works of this ship for me, because Barry does NOT like Eddie at first, and not in a fun enemies to lovers way where they're sniping at each other and you get that fun banter. Eddie isn't in on it and has no idea that Barry dislikes him, so it feels like punching down. Don't get me wrong, I love all the scenes where Barry is sulking and rolling his eyes and making cheap, bitchy digs about him, because they're really funny---but because Eddie is so cheerful and nice and genuinely has no clue that Barry's being a dick about him being his back, it just ends up making Barry look petty and mean. I mean, he IS, and I love him for it (god i miss bitchy s1 barry and the giant chip on his shoulder) but I don't love that dynamic from a ship perspective.

2. What would have made you like it?

So there are two very different directions they could have taken Thallen that would have made it easier for me to get behind. One would be if they had let Eddie fight back more. Like aside from punching him that one time after he confessed his love for Iris, Eddie doesn't really react or fight or do anything but stew in silence when he realises what's going on behind his back. I think they should have let him be meaner about it, honestly. Make him more flawed and give him a darker side.

Alternatively, I liked the moments of friendship we got between him and Barry and the love triangle could have been more interesting if they'd leaned into that more, imo. Add more conflict with Barry being genuinely torn about knowing that if he does get with Iris, he will be betraying a close friend who he's actually come to care about a lot in his own right... then he starts to care about Eddie in a suspiciously homoerotic way and the audience gets confused about who those longing stares are really aimed at... who's he really pining for? Is it still Iris? Or is he now jealous of both of them 👀 ooh, the drama

3. Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it?

I love this scene. You all know.

HARDER!!

Also I really like the scenes we get after Eddie finds out the big secret, where they're all driving around in Joe's car while Barry catches bad guys and they're all having so much FUN with it, and Eddie is in so much awe of what Barry can do... what a sweetheart. He deserved better :(

I do think they had potential, I just wish they had developed the friendship and the dynamic and Eddie as a character because I feel like I never got a good grip on him as a character, really

Send me a ship and I’ll answer three questions based on if I ship it or not.

[pomrania]

Not very many things I feel like writing about in the next compilation; so I'm just going to write this now, then wait for the next compilation's stuff so there's enough to make it worth a post.

Guns N' Gumption by @chaotic-evil42168 What I really liked about this one was the "run" option. I think it's cool to have a "leave the game" end state that isn't losing, but is still risky, because you're automatically going to take damage if attacked. On a reread, that seemed like a consequence of having a limited number of bullets, which could run out, so you'd need to have options; but on a second reread, I realized that wasn't necessarily true, because "defend" is also an option. …now I'm thinking about possible end states. With no ability to regain bullets, you can end up with a situation where everyone's out of ammo… and actually, that might be an interesting part of the game, if you don't announce how many bullets you have left; you'd need to keep track of how many times each other person has fired a shot, to see if they're actually a threat.

Tomfoolery by @chaotic-error This type of "wrangle small creatures who wish to cause problems" concept is always a delight. There's a few things I'm a bit confused about, although I think I've figured them out on the reread; this is normal for a game write-up for this event, with the strict word count. And I'm trying to NOT nerd-snipe myself by running the numbers to see if they should be adjusted for an even chance of human or cats winning, because I have things I want to get done today. But if this ever gets playtesting, I volunteer to join in so long as times work out, because it sounds like a LOT of fun.

Next compilation is out now, so let's do the stuff from that.

Risk Aware Consensual Game by @lunellum This mostly falls under "huh yeah I guess that's a thing that someone wrote a game about". I'm… actually kinda surprised that it's taken this long for someone to do a game set at a kink party (for this event specifically, I know it's already been done in general). I'm always fond of things that have their stats as individual words from a relevant phrase. I also like the end condition here, that everyone has stats above a certain value; and I think it's cool how only two of the four stats can directly be raised by an action.

Shitty Copper Dice by @beleester I started laughing as soon as I read the title, and enough of the first line to confirm that it was about Ea-Nasir. I wouldn't want to play this myself, since anything which involves bluffing just hits my "I would rather not" button, but I'm glad that this exists.

Doing what I did last year (and hooboy but that post took forever to find, tumblr is a functional website), and talking about the @200-word-rpgs (it has its own blog now!) that I found interesting, as the compilation post comes out.

Canned Vegetables by @moth-surface I love the concept here, of finding ways to describe XYZ as though it's ABC, while still being truthful. I don't think I'd be able to play this as-is, since I don't know much about different vegetables, and this relies on both parties having a good deal of background knowledge; but I'm glad that it exists.

HEAVY METAL VAN WIZARDS by @henchmaxxing I have a fondness for things where all the stats are individual words from a phrase that describes stuff overall. …and on my reread of this one, for writing it up, I noticed something I hadn't registered before: that your character's stats are assigned by the OTHER players, presumably in accordance with how the character had been illustrated, and okay that's really cool. I also like the mechanic of ties being broken by who can metal scream the best, that's great.

Holy RPG, Batman! by @catsarehumanstoo This is a fun concept. I really like how a particular result comes from the most likely value when you roll 2d6, but especially how that's simultaneously desirable AND undesirable. There's some fun dice stuff there.

Radio Prophets by @toy-dragon I wish my brain was working more (it's nearing midnight) to say how I like this. The very concept, of flipping through the radio for phrases, that's a good one. The idea of interpreting a prophecy, then interpreting its misinterpretation, that's fascinating. Also, the bit about how if nobody responds, you can't try again until something timed by the car stopping; although now I've a bit of a question of whether "next full stop" means "the car comes to a complete stop, like at a stop sign" or "the car is parked and turned off". But I feel that's something which would be negotiated on a per-roadtrip basis.

Rhyme Schemes by @bookoramaenderteeth "Transforming things into things that rhyme with it" is a classic. I appreciate the twist here, where after the power's been used a certain number of times, it has to become a more complex rhyme.

If you're reading this and have no idea what I'm talking about... well I prolly shouldn't have left my "this is what the post is about" to the end, especially not late at night. But basically there's an event going on where people write up RPGs with a word count maximum of 200. If you're curious, check the blog mentioned in the first paragraph.

[howtofightwrite]

So, I'm writing sci-fi and I want to know about weapon ranges when it comes to space ships/station, or land to space missiles. What is possible, or if isn't actually possible/we don't know, what makes sense, especially when it comes to max ranges or accuracy/effective range. Also, would there be a such thing as sniping extremely long distances like idk 50 million km?? But the problem would still be speed and take too long to actually reach?

Something a lot of sci-fi genuinely screws up (for entirely artistic reasons) is engagement ranges. If you have a beam weapon which travels at the speed of light, a 50 million kilometer range will only take about a 6th of a second to hit the target. If that target is ship sized, you can connect with the target at that range, unless that ship can move at incredibly high speeds, with almost impossibly high reaction speeds, assuming it can also detect the beam before impact, which is kind of an issue when you consider that baring some kind of quantum physics mess any information that ship has regarding a hostile ship firing on it will be at least a sixth of a second out of date.

So, when you're talking about these ranges, you're talking about travel time for a beam weapon that is roughly equivalent to firing a pistol at someone in the same room.

Take that same beam weapon, and fire a range of an astronomical unit, and you're still only looking at about eight minutes of travel time. If your targeting is good, that's more than enough time to hit all but the most nimble of ships,

There is a problem with extreme range and beam weapons. A laser is just an extremely focused beam of light. This appears to remain as a tight dot at the destination, but that's because you're not using a laser at ranges where the angle of the beam becomes apparent. It's not (strictly) a cylinder of light, it's a cone. When you're pushing a laser to thousands (or hundreds of thousands) of kilometers, this starts to become very apparent. This is not an unsolvable issue from a technological standpoint, a tighter cone, a true cylinder, or the cone as a payload for something else (such as high energy particles of some variety), all potentially expand the maximum range a beam weapon significantly. So, I'm not going to dig into the idea of extrasolar beam weapons, it's still distinctly possible.

Parallel you have kinetic delivery systems. This is basically just a gun in space. It may be a rail gun, or it could be a classic propellent that gets it moving. Now, here's the problem with bullets in space: There's nothing to stop them.

On Earth, a 5.56mm NATO round has a rough maximum range of ~600m, and it's effective range is only ~300 meters. Take that exact same bullet, put it in space, and it's maximum range is infinite. It will continue to travel until it hits something or is pulled into a gravity well. There is no friction from the atmosphere to slow it down, so it will continue traveling at its original velocity (roughly 1km/s) until the heat death of the universe. (It will probably hit something before then. But, there a real possibility that this bullet would spend tens or hundreds of millions of years traveling through space before it connected with anything. To be fair, I think it would take that bullet about 1.3 million years to reach Alpha Centauri at that speed, though my math could be a bit off there. I'm using rounded numbers at a point where those rounding errors result in differences of hundreds of thousands of years.)

Sci-fi loves to put ships in close proximity to one another. Films and TV love to get the hero and villain ships in the same frame, and have them bouncing around for your amusement. As artistic license, this is fine, but you're looking at ships where the engagement ranges should be well beyond visual range. In a science fiction shooting war, your ships should never even see each other. They should be fighting over radar/lidar signals. (Incidentally, this is also a problem with jet fighter dogfighting in films and TV. When you're looking at a plane going over 343m/s, fighting another plane at similar speeds, you're simply not going to be close enough to see each other for any length of time.)

Parallel to this, guided missiles are as accurate and fast as the technology allows. When it comes to missile sniping, with an FTL capable civilization, we're potentially talking about firing from a different solar system. A simple rocket engine with an explosive payload traveling at a lower speed than a bullet isn't going to be useful for much. However, guided projectiles, and anything that travels at relativistic speeds is going to start to explode maximum ranges in a very real way.

The same thing is true for planetary bombardment. Launching kinetic projectiles at relativistic speeds means you can be outside the solar system if you're patient enough. Planets, as a rule, aren't particularly good at dodging incoming projectiles, and you can use math to have a pretty good idea of exactly where it will be twenty years from now. The frightening thing about orbital bombardment is, you don't actually need to be in orbit, or even in the stellar gravity well. If you're targeting a rocky terrestrial world inside The Goldilocks Zone, it gets worse, because the star's gravity well will assist in accelerating the projectiles as they get closer. It will also distort aiming, but this is in incredibly predictable ways, that anyone with a functional grasp of physics and a calculator can adjust for.

When it comes to naval warfare in space, 50m km isn't really long distance. That's pretty close to one another.

When you're writing combat in space, it's important to set the technological limitations of your ships and setting. This is why I'm somewhat permissive of settings which put ships within a few kilometers of each other, and have them engage at those ranges, when it doesn't really make a lot of sense. Maybe your world's beam weapons are only effective to 10km, and your ECM have enough time to disable missiles fired from more than 20km away. At the same time, the concept of ship to ship combat has some downright horrifying potential, especially when you realize that all of those missed shots will hit something, eventually.

-Starke

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[quirkwizard]

ive seen a lot of ‘give momo a gun’ posts on tiktok lately, as well as discussions on how snipe would be a good mentor for her because of this. what do you think about this/how their relationship could impact the plot? OR, on a more general note, the idea of momo being more combat oriented instead of taking a more traditional support role ;3c

I'm focusing more on the second half of the question for this one. Ignoring how little sense it makes for her to have a gun, Snipe is such a non-character that I don't have much to go off of for their interactions or even how it would change the plot.

I've never liked the idea, at least with how people talk about it. I've seen a lot of fans talk about Momo fighting in close quarters, which doesn't make any sense to me. Because "Creation", as a Quirk, isn't really built for combat because of its weaknesses. One is the fat reserves. By actively engaging in combat, you are going to have fewer reserves to draw on because of how much energy you are burning. Then there is the planning part. While Momo can make stuff quickly, she still needs time to remember and visualize what she makes. As seen in her fights with Tokoyami and Kendo, it's really hard to make objects when under pressure. Are there ways "Creation" could be used in a more combat-focused role? Of course there is. It's one of the most varied Quirks in the series. If you wanted to do something more proactive, you'd need to make partial creations, such as having blades pop out of the user's arms to attack someone or making steel on the arm to protect from an attack. This could put less strain on the fat reserves and give the user more freedom in what they can make. However, these are suboptimal ways to apply the Quirk and aren't taking advantage of the wide variety of tools the user can make. Instead of working with the power, you're trying to fit the Quirk into a niche where it doesn't belong.

If you want her to be a fighter, it needs to be in a position that is less in the thick of it. How about fighting from afar? Maybe, but I don't think long range is that great for her either. While it would give her plenty of time to plan and build tools, she can't as reliably lead or help her allies and it would be more difficult to apply some of her smaller creations. So if anything, I think that she would do a lot better at medium ranges. Close enough to reliably study her opponents, but far enough to get some distance. She'd have to focus more on playing keep away so she can properly build and strategize around whomever she is fighting. For that, I actually think that Midnight would be an effective teacher. A lot of her fighting style is very low effort, taking less energy for Momo to fight people. And while whip takes a lot of skill to use as a weapon, it's not something that requires a lot of effort to use. On top of that, she could learn to make and utilize various gadgets made by other people, making her more adaptable when it comes to her plans. Gadgets like this may not be as viable in close range because of how much effort and focus you'd have to exert in order to make something so complicated. Again, I don't think it's the best idea, but it's not impossible to get it to work.

[squadrah]

Wait forget the character bingo ask I didn't know you filled it already (😅)

If la Squadra had a complete free for all fight, with adequate amount of times to prepare, who do you think is winning?

There's 2 separate fights. One is just physical strength (to accommodate for sorbet and gelato) and with stands.

Weapons not allowed unless made by stands (to accommodate for sorbet and gelato, they're probably expert at that)

Personally, I think Illuso is loosing the stand battle unless it takes place in a home. Melone would be second last because he can only make 1 junior at a time.

Dear Anon: don't you worry, I originally considered posting it so people could send in characters, and then I thought I should really do a team one so I went ahead and did that, but individual ones are fun, too! Here's the one I did for Prosciutto on my main blog if anyone wants a gander at that!

I love the questions you sent, and I actually do have some ready-made resources for you that I can use to round out my answers with Gelato and Sorbet, ehehe.

PHYSICAL STRENGTH COMPETITION

Originally I got asked a similar question on CuriousCat, so I'm going to grab that answer from my drafts and revise it for this ask.

Risotto definitely feels like number one based on size and bulk alone. He's ripped and over two meters tall (fuck the updated height chart, he's forever 202 cm), and has three years of experience assassinating people as an ordinary person, so even someone as feisty as Ghiaccio and Gelato will struggle.

I would put Ghiaccio next, but oh, my god, Pesci. While Ghiaccio uses White Album to confer extra strength onto him, Pesci has to rely on his own strength for Beach Boy, so the fact that he could support the weight of two people with his Stand means he has incredible core strength. Even his fighting spirit is no problem where the stakes are making Prosciutto his team proud!

Ghiaccio comes third on the list because skating and butterfly stroke require a lot of strength and stamina to pull off, and if anyone has the energy and determination to go all out physically, it is this guy. I see your anger and your thunder thighs, Ghiaccio.

In my original draft, Formaggio came next, but in this new version, he is preceded by Gelato because he is way more hardened and also ridiculously into fighting. Gelato is similar to Ghiaccio in this respect, but while the latter runs on rage, Gelato is in it for the sheer thrill of wrestling for control. He's like the Black Knight from Monty Python, except he's laughing as he tells you it's just a flesh wound.

The next one is a tie; let's see Formaggio first. From his aesthetic and build, he's clearly strong enough to hold his own in a fight, even if he is not as trained as most of those above his rank. Consider him your average fit guy who sometimes lifts when he can be bothered, and cruises by on trick moves to get the upper hand. Meanwhile, Illuso is very tall and probably has great reach with those long limbs, and above all, he might allow defeat to those before him, but he would never want to lose to Formaggio himself. That said, if you hit him right just once, he'll be on defense the rest of the time.

Prosciutto is next and my all-time favorite form is the one on the updated height chart: long legs, stick build, delicate and grim as he should be. That said, based on how he sends Pesci to the floor in canon, Prosciutto knows how to work with angles and timing, so while he can absolutely be overpowered by those larger and stronger than him, you have to beware the kicks and punches.

Sorbet ranks below Prosciutto despite his slightly bigger build because he is actually averse to physical altercation. He loves to snipe, but as soon as someone gets close enough, he's so over it. Almost as elusive as Illuso too, so if he lasts longer than he ought to have, it's because he was picking his hiding places well.

As for Melone… he should not be doing anything physical. His posture is a mess and he's as skinny as Prosciutto but puts himself out on the field even less. Who even let him fight.

STAND BATTLE VS. WEAPONRY

First, I will link a resource: I started publishing a series of headcanon posts about La Squadra's Stands on Ao3, and for Ghiaccio's chapter, I included a very detailed rundown of hypothetical Stand fights to determine if he might be the strongest Stand in Vento Aureo (spoiler alert: he is). Check it out here!

With that out of the way, and just so nobody has to read that to have some fun with this question, here are my general thoughts:

1) For this battle, they would have to lay down some general rules like you did, specifically for handicapping the more lethal Stands. Without that, Prosciutto would automatically win unless Ghiaccio remembered to stock up on frozen air and plug his air hole in the back. With that in mind, the rules are: Prosciutto can only age a minimal amount and cannot use any ice for himself; Ghiaccio can only use his armor and no additional ice; Risotto cannot use Metallica on a person directly; Pesci's hook cannot target vital organs; Formaggio can only shrink himself; Illuso cannot take anyone or their Stand inside the mirror.

2) For weapons, I would love to give Gelato and Sorbet something potent but not lethal. Gelato I think would appreciate one of those rubber truncheons used by the Naples Pigs and Bacon Department, and Sorbet would get something like a paint gun to uh, ink everyone's splat zones, I guess. For him specifically, the rule is that he wins when he gets paint on at least two vital areas, or a clean head shot. (Yes, Mista survived three bullets to the temple at point blank range, but nobody on La Squadra is that favored by Araki God, so.)

3) I see your predictions and they are not wrong, but I wouldn't give Melone a single Junior because they take so much time to make that he would get pummelled before he could pull this off (not to mention no parents around if this is between La Squadra only); instead Baby Face Computer is allowed to use weapons like Sorbet and Gelato, and it is currently wielding a knife. Terrifying.

4) With all these restrictions, I feel like it all boils down to sheer moxie. Formaggio is one of the most formidable of the bunch at this point because his Stand has a built-in blade, he can play with his own size to dodge, AND he has the courage. Illuso has amazing maneuverability with mirror shards, but I feel like he teeters a lot between overconfidence and playing it too safe. Pesci is possibly overpowered because of the damage deflection ability of Beach Boy's line - he would probably need to bide his time until everyone else has fallen to focus on the last person and trap them to win. Prosciutto is still powerful, but he's not nearly as fast as the others; here his edge is more psychological because of the way The Grateful Dead looks and moves. Baby Face Laptop has a similar advantage, but it is much smaller, so there's that. Risotto, bless his heart, can only win by properly cornering someone with makeshift knives, which is no easy task when some move around unpredictably. Ghiaccio has to rely on brute force to win, which is no problem, but those aware of the air hole or targeting his visor would probably get the better of him. (Imagine if Sorbet got paint all over it and it just hard-froze over his head...) As for Sorbet and Gelato, well... Sorbet would be very patient about it, and I bet he manages at least one headshot and a few vitals elsewhere. Gelato, on the other hand, would incur the most damage inflicted because he'd just go about truncheoning every single person he sees until he gets knocked away by their Stand, and then he'd pick himself up and do it all over again to somebody else. He makes it into at least the final three, but who the final ones are, I will leave to the imagination based on the above, haha.

There! Hope you enjoyed these!

[aintgonnatakethis]

I might as well take the opportunity to info dump, as none of my friends are into the game and my boyfriend is there when I play it. Under a cut because it got looong.

Boyfriend chose Hungary for me to play. Marriage allied with France (who cut ties as soon as the princess they gave me died) and the Byzantines. Venice tried to regular ally with me, but they were at war with the Byzantines so I declined, and they then attacked me.

Spent a good while fighting them, with the Pope popping his head in every now and again to tell us off for fighting other Christians. My King is wrathful, so I exterminate a castle, a city, and one very unfortunate village. No one trusts me now. (There's a bug in the code which means peacefully occupying new territory gives you a negative reputation hit because the code reads as you having razed it... Have since fixed this myself, as the only thing missing from the code were some semi-colons.)

The Holy Roman Empire attack me. I skirmish with them some as I wipe out Venice. I marry a Milan princess into the family and while trying to protect them from the HRE, declare war on the Papal States (and therefore get excommunicated). Big reputation hit. The Byzantines betray me, though in the classic mid-00's AI fashion don't actually attack me properly, just nipping in and out with their boats to blockade my ports for a turn or two before leaving.

I take cities off both the Papal and the HRE, but unfortunately my nearest castle is quite a march from the frontlines. Castles are where you get the good fighting units and you can't replenish them in cities. There's always the chance of the units rebelling on the way there if I send out an army without a general too.

The Mongols attack from the east, requiring a hurried reshuffle to get armies to a border I wasn't all that concerned about. It takes a while to beat them back (executing their troops whenever I get ahold of them), but eventually I do so. They go make a new home for themselves in Russia - who they are allied to - and have just been hanging around there not doing anything ever since.

A new Pope's in power and he un-excommunicates me, allowing me to go on a Crusade, my King taking his second son along with him. I went on one early game and failed magnificently, but this time I succeed, taking the target city,. It was owned by Egypt who I'm now at war with. I move to capture a nearby castle in order to replenish my troops and an Egyptian assassin snipes my King's son! He's pissed and goes scorched earth on the castle and two nearby cities as punishment.

Due to my strictness when it comes to marrying only royal blood, my family tree is looking a little on the light side. A long search provides princesses of English and Russian heritage, who are both married into my family asap. Milan's family tree dies out, meaning all their settlements go rebel automatically. Sadly something I cannot protect them from. England decides to cut ties with me, despite their princess still being alive.

The campaign in Egypt continues while back home, Poland and Denmark attack me from the north. While fighting on that front two Spanish princesses present themselves to me and my family tree is looking a lot healthier. With the fresh injection of generals I start a campaign against the Byzantines.

England attacks me, having wiped out France and therefore now sharing a border with me at Milan, which is a clump of five cities that is a pain to funnel castle troops to. It's a struggle, but I've managed to hold them off thus far. After several failed attempts - from having to turn my army around to defend that pack of cities - I make it to the closest HRE castle and capture it to use as a holding point.

So now to the last session I did. Egypt campaign is going well, though I now share a border with the Turks, who are the only living faction who doesn't hate me apart from Spain and Russia. They've also been at war with the Byzantines for a while so I should probably try to set up an alliance with them. The last three Egyptian settlements are spread over a wide area with a lot of desert to march through before I can finish them off. It's a similar story with the Byzantines: long walk through the mountains to get to them and again bordering the Turks.

Pushing into Denmark and Poland had a setback when a new general lost a battle and died, making his family members hate the Danes (the strength of that hate is based on how closely related they were to him). His younger brother retakes the lost city, occupying it peacefully because we'd held it for long enough for it to be full of Hungarian citizens, then moves north and in a fit of rage exterminates a Polish castle, accidently thinking it was Danish. (It was my mistake, but as I said, I'm strong on the roleplaying so I didn't reload.) I gave him some negative traits for it (fearful of Polish retribution, xenophobic, genocider, unjust, and senile, the first at level 2 and the rest level 1).

The HRE have tried to sneak around the main lines to get at the cities behind them a couple of times, but I've set them up with garrisons of castle troops, so they're well defended. I'm in a holding pattern waiting for a new general to arrive at the frontlines to command the troops forwards.

The HRE, England, and Denmark have all allied up, which I'm nervous about. Spain have been excommunicated and have had two Crusades called against them in quick succession, the Papal winning the first and the HRE the second, meaning Spain are dangerously close to being wiped out. I'm not close enough to send help, though I would if I were able.

Russia are sitting pretty in their little corner of the map, having not done much all game. Poland have taken one of their settlements, but with my push into their territory that settlement is now cut off from the rest of Poland, so hopefully Russia can retake it. If they can't I'll send aid. They also have 2 princesses I'm keeping an eye on, as my king is getting into old age and I'll need a wife for the new heir. I could potentially take back Russia's settlement from Poland and offer it as payment for one of them...

current obsession: roleplay-heavy micro-management of my family tree in Total War: Medieval 2

[squiffer-propaganda]

how 2 get goood at squiffer?

i hear your pleas anon, and i am here to help!

so! before i start getting into the nitty gritty, i want to say that i know pretty much Nothing about the metagame or anything pro like that. i am purely casual, anything competitive i know is through osmosis and not so much actual experience. i'm also pretty much solely a turf player. basically, i am not an Expert on the best ways to use a squiffer according to meta, i am simply sharing my wisdom based on my personal experience.

now that that's out of the way, let's get into it! this'll probably get long but i'll try and make it an easy read:

first off, pick a squiffer! my personal favorite of the three is the new squiffer, with autobombs and baller. it's a great kit for all-around gameplay, as in my experience i've been able to utilize my sub and special in both offensive and defensive situations, and it's pretty good at covering ground too. if you prefer to play support, try the classic squiffer with point sensor and ink armor. neither sub nor special lay down any ink, but well-placed point sensors and providing armor to your team can really put pressure on the enemy team, without necessarily being in the front line. if you're all about offense, try the fresh squiffer with suction bombs and inkjet. i am personally not good with an inkjet, but i do know that they are Scary if they know what they're doing. suction bombs have a larger blast than splat bombs, and good placement can apply pressure and cover a lot of ground at the same time. truly, a force to be reckoned with.

now that you've picked out a squiffer, the next thing you must understand is that squiffers play very differently from every other charger. a squiffer is not a perch charger! a squiffer is not a bamboozler either! to properly use a squiffer, you must be mobile. you need to get in closer than most other chargers would, as the squiffer has the range of a toothpick. yes, it is scary! but it's necessary. before you can become a speedy one-shot machine, you must first be comfortable with sniping in close proximity in a fast-paced environment. practice your movement; jump a lot (the squiffer's charge speed remains the same even when you're in the air!), swim around with stored charge, try and make a quick escape if you find yourself in a sticky situation, really get to know your squiffer's range and charge speed (main power up increases range on the squiffer and most other chargers, though whether or not you stack it is completely up to you).

because squiffers are meant to be mobile, it can be pretty tricky to aim when starting out. this is okay! chargers in general have a higher skill floor than some other weapon types, mainly because you have to be absolutely spot-on with your shots in order to deal any damage. it's rough, i know. but it's possible to improve! i highly recommend utilizing the testing room (y'know, the one with the balloon squids) to practice your aim. there are several different ways to drill, and there are drills on youtube you can follow if you don't know what to do. go easy on yourself, no matter where your skill level falls; every charger main misses their shot at some point! if you miss, simply try again. if you keep shooting, you're gonna land your shot eventually! also, absolutely do not be afraid to backpedal. keeping a good amount of distance from your foe is important, so make sure you get a feel for that sweet spot and make it a habit to create distance if someone gets too close on the battlefield. that being said, you won't always have that opportunity; squiffers are no strangers to flick shots!

lastly, give yourself time and room to grow. and i mean LOTS of it. all skills are built over the course of several days, weeks, you get the idea. if you are truly dedicated/able to do so, practicing every day for at least half an hour is ideal. even if you think you suck one day, come back the next day and give it another go; you might just surprise yourself with how much you improved! if you have space on your switch/sd card, i recommend you save any clips of cool squiffer moments you're proud of, no matter how small. when i was first learning squiffer, i would save clips that were admittedly not very impressive, but in the moment i was so proud of being able to land a shot that it seemed like i just performed a miracle. watching myself do something i never thought i'd be able to do before was a fantastic motivator (along with the incredibly satisfying snipe sound) and so i relished in all my tiny victories. my many missed shots and match losses didn't even matter to me at that point, those exciting moments are what made it all worth it in the end.

these are the most important things i can think of. if you want more in-depth advice or have any questions, please feel free to ask! i'd be happy to help anyone that wants to try out my favorite weapon! good luck out there!!