#therapy on a TUESDAY instead of a Thursday

[cowardlycowboys]

you know what day it is

[thedungeonbat]

finally friday☀️

The day started off with lots of sunshine, two classes spent talking and one spent playing kahoot. Lunch break was pretty unspectacular and we were let out of math class after 20 minutes of small talk because we were a group of 5 people instead of 18. Because of that I had quite a lot of time before my therapy session so I stopped at my local bookstore :) They had so many pretty copies of ‚A Christmas Carol‘ by Charles Dickens (my favorite Christmas story), however I already own that book. Plus everything was way above my budget :(

I have a biology exam on Tuesday and a four hour long mock exam for politics class on Thursday so my weekend will be filled with studying!

Todays highlight: the first snow of the season☃️

[pinkchampagne]

♡ 365 Soft ♡

Pink Champagne's Personal Development Plan

updated december 6, 2024

this is my version of 75 Hard, modified for a realistic approach to long-term personal development and self-improvement. though i was inspired by the structure of 75 Hard, this isn't a short-term challenge. i've organized this plan as a lifestyle blueprint that can be continued for longer than 75 days.

unlike a crash diet or a challenge intended to be started and stopped over and over again, this set of guidelines can be easily implemented into one's life, and here’s why:

i will not lie and say i don't care about physical appearance, but the focus of this strategy is to feel better and improve overall health. my plan explicitly outlines which foods to gravitate towards and which to cut back on. there are no bad foods; this is just what works for me.

crash diets and workout challenges might produce the superficial results you want, but implementing a health strategy that focuses on the big picture is more beneficial in the long run. i’m easing into it, allowing cheat days, and not setting a 75-day timeline. give yourself grace and celebrate your wins.

i love the basic concept and structure of 75 Hard, however, progress pictures are generally most helpful for those who are trying to improve their physical appearance. since this is a long-term plan prioritizing health over appearance, i replaced this section with one on consistency in general, focusing on routines and habits. i also added a self care section because that’s extremely important to me. i will continue updating this post.

with healthy habits comes a healthy body and mind. take care of yourself and you will reap the benefits, mentally and physically.

🫧 DIET

alcohol:

weekends only

never alone

water between drinks

no shots/shooters/bombs etc.

5 drink limit

be mindful of who you're with; do they encourage good habits/behavior?

cut back on the following significantly:

sugar

dairy

carbs

red meat

processed foods

caffeine

exceptions: feta, parmesan, greek yogurt, kefir, mayo, bacon, honey, matcha, celcius

notes:

begin taking marine collagen and chlorophyll for skin and hygiene

increase fruits and veggies: romaine lettuce, tomatoes, green peppers are my focus right now.

increase protein intake: chickpeas, peanut butter, eggs, black beans.

honorable mentions: oats, blueberries, avocado, sweet potato, carrots, broccoli, spinach, kale, white meat, kombucha

🫧 WATER

100 oz a day. i'm purchasing a brita faucet filter and a new water bottle to encourage this goal.

🫧 WORKOUT ROUTINE

mondays, wednesdays, fridays:

30 donkey kicks, each side

30 fire hydrants, each side

3x

tuesdays & thursdays:

30 second plank

30 second side plank, each side

30 crunches

3x

notes:

sometimes i do my ab workout on saturday or sunday as well to get a third one in.

i plan on working cardio and physical therapy exercises into this routine eventually.

i’m thinking of purchasing a home pilates reformer!

🫧 SELF CARE

skin

wash face twice a day + use zit stickers

rhassoul clay/charcoal/honey face masks

sheet masks

actually use my quartz roller

ice roller, gua sha, steamer

red light therapy!!

body

exfoliating body scrub

first aid beauty kp bump eraser for legs

glycolic acid for legs + under arms

pumice stones for feet

misc.

continue getting hair cut every month and a half

be more consistent with brow waxing

get rid of old clothes + build new wardrobe

🫧 KNOWLEDGE AND GROWTH

daily podcast playlist

personal development podcasts & youtube - listen to at least one ep/vid a day

date yourself instead podcast – lyss boss

hail yes podcast

hailey gamba on youtube

thewizardliz on youtube

tam kaur youtube + self obsessed podcast

books - 30 minutes a day

freedom is a constant struggle - angela davis

a people's history of the united states - howard zinn

i'm taking book and podcast recs!

🫧 CONSISTENCY

follow budget

follow morning, evening, bedtime, and weekend routines

meal prep for weekday lunches: couscous salad with chickpeas, feta, sundried tomatoes and white wine vinegar + lemon juice dressing

create & post content every day ♡

[bomberqueen17]

realizations

this is just me having medical realizations and again wishing I had someone to help me coordinate my medical care. I hear rumors some people use primary care physicians for this but mine doesn't do that kind of thing, so I'm writing things out here instead.

physical therapy:

shit got so busy last week that i fell off the wagon for the first time. I've only ever missed a single day of the thrice-weekly physical therapy exercises since I was first prescribed them in January; on two occasions I think I've wound up doing them only twice in a week. But last Tuesday, I woke up and did a few of them and then ran out of time, and then worked three twelve-hour days in a row, and a fourth day I worked six hours and then drove four more. And then I was visiting friends and had horrible menstrual cramps. So I just didn't climb back onto the wagon.

I haven't had bad sciatic nerve pain at any point during any of that. Sure, toward the end of the long days on my feet I was taking any opportunity to sit, and I was doing some of the pt stretches, and it's not that the sciatic nerve didn't hurt at all. But it didn't keep me up. And I now am back to a normal level of physical activity, and I slept in a bad position last night and am experiencing no consequences today.

I'll go back to them-- need to figure out today if I have an appointment tomorrow or Thursday first-- and I'm sure not saying the exercises caused the sciatic nerve pain-- but it sure is a fucking data point isn't it.

ADHD meds:

I have managed to take two doses of Ritalin about four times in the last two weeks. It used to be that I would at least really notice the first dose, but I've been faithful enough with it that at this point my body doesn't seem to react to it at all. I can't tell whether I've taken it, most days, and that means I don't notice it wearing off and I don't think to take the second one. I know it shouldn't work like that but it definitely doesn't. There have been days I've forgotten both doses, though, and there's no real difference in those days. And that time I tried to sew those bike shorts was one of my most obvious two-dose days.

I don't need help focusing my attention, which seems to be what the stimulants do. My manifestation of ADHD is not distraction. I have always been able to focus on a task. What I cannot do is initiate a task, change a task, or perform a sequence of tasks that depend on one another, beyond a very simple list structure. Last night I had to entirely admit defeat because coordinating a sequence of tasks was beyond me. It was an embarrassingly simple sequence of tasks: I had to drop my car off for service, and get dinner, and the hardest part was that I had to coordinate a person accompanying me in a second vehicle so I could get a ride home. And there was a time constraint, and I could not do any of it because I could not initiate the task of looking up which takeout restaurants were nearby. "Solve one thing at a time," Dude said, and proceeded to help me, but I said "i can't solve one thing at a time, because if I solve one thing I will not then be able to initiate the solving of the second thing, and then the second problem will derail the rest of my night."

On my own I would not have been able to feed myself dinner, I think. I would have had to abandon that very simple task as unsolvable. I simply could not hold two things in my mind long enough to consider it. It was absolutely stupid.

Relatedly I was trying to figure out how to calculate the sale price of an item, and it was 60% off the listed price, and I know to get 60% of something you multiply it by .6, so I was trying to do that and then subtract the number I got from the original number, and I tried it literally nine times without being able to remember the .6 result long enough to then type it back into the calculator. Yes, I know you can just times it by .4 instead now, and I also know that at any moment I could have gotten up and gotten a piece of paper, or gotten a second calculator, or taken a screenshot, but all of those solutions were so cumbersome and involved me abandoning my initial task that I could not figure out how to use them. I finally asked someone else and they told me the answer and also how to use the times .4 method, which I had considered but wasn't confident enough in.

All of this is related, I think, to me having basically no working memory. I cannot hold a thing in my mind while I contemplate a second thing. And I don't know if any ADHD medication would ever help with that. That is the root of almost all of my problems: I know, from long experience, that I have to continually maintain the single thing I am focused on in my mind, and if I try to think of any second thing, I either can't, or if I succeed, will lose the first thing irrevocably. So i can't use most of the problem-solving skills I know fine well how to use. I can't get fucking anything done. (I give amazing advice, always have, because I've spent a ton of time figuring out how to solve problems and then discovering that I can't actually use any of those methods successfully.) And, I can pretty conclusively state after these several months of experimentation: ADHD stimulant meds have zero effect on this problem.

I don't know if any meds have any effect on this problem. It may well be that there is nothing to be done for my condition, medication-wise. I guess I'm glad I was able to try medication, since it is such a miracle for so many people. I guess I'm just sad it wasn't a miracle for me. But it hasn't addressed any of my problems so I don't see a point in continuing it.

Possibly what I need is some other kind of therapy, some kind of like behavioral therapy or life coaching or something, I don't know. It would help me enormously, I think, to have a lifestyle with a predictable routine and very little dislocation, but that's not possible for me with my current job and life situation. And I don't know how to discover what kind of therapies even exist, and I know the psych provider I've been seeing will not be able to recommend anything in the three minutes we get per meeting. So I might just be out of options, now. But I guess I'm glad at least I tried.

I really wish I had some kind of doctor overseeing all of my medical care I could consult about this, but I don't, I only have the individual specialists. So I'm on my own and I'm just trying to work around my severe memory problems by writing things out, I guess.

Currently I am just going to have to accept that there's literally no way I'm going to be able to figure out how to get to Rochester and back this week, so I'm going to give up on retrieving my critical personal electronics and just wait until I head back to the farm to get them on my way through. Which sucks and I am sad about but I just don't know how to coordinate the logistics and incorporate that into my life, so I'm going to stop worrying about it. This is how I get through things: I just let almost everything go, and live with whatever I can pick up in the aftermath. C'est la vie!

Oh huh you can't add more tags onto posts once you've stopped adding them huh. Fascinating choice, Tumblr.

[beeeinyourbonnet]

Covetous | Chapter 24

Pairing: Nostelle 

Rating: E

Summary: Father Joseph MacAvoy wakes up in a library across town with no idea of how he got there. When the kind librarian doesn’t kick him out immediately, he considers that maybe there’s more to life than alcohol.

[chapter 1] [chapter 2] [chapter 3] [chapter 4] [chapter 5] [chapter 6] [chapter 7] [chapter 8] [chapter 9] [chapter 10] [chapter 11] [chapter 12] [chapter 13] [chapter 14] [chapter 15] [chapter 16] [chapter 17] [chapter 18] [chapter 19] [chapter 20] [chapter 21] [chapter 22] [chapter 23]

[read on ao3]

-------------------------------------

It was Tuesday before Nosty worked up the nerve to talk to Kaz, and Belle privately wondered if that was because he wanted to talk things over with his therapist first. He didn’t come to work with her on Monday and he mentioned nothing Monday night, and then on Tuesday, he holed himself up in her office, but Kaz never showed up.

“I thought she came every day?” Nosty asked, surveying the parking lot with his brows drawn and his foot tapping.

“Mostly.” Belle unlocked the car and stuffed her purse in, but Nosty didn’t move toward the passenger side, didn’t even take out a cigarette. “Nosty, she’s not here. She’d have come inside if she was. She’s not you.”

That did get a reaction out of him, though not much more than a quick glare. “Are you worried?”

Belle licked her lips. That was the trouble, wasn’t it? “Of course I am, but I’m always worried. I was always worried about you any time you weren’t here. So I have to just—not worry.”

He stared at her, eyes wide somehow though his frown had deepened. “What do you mean? How do you just turn it off?”

“Well.” She opened the car door and held it there, tapping her fingers while she considered her words. “Early on, I had to tell myself that if I drove myself mad with worry, I wouldn’t be able to work, and then I’d lose my job and wouldn’t be able to help anyone. I’m no use to the world if I’ve burned myself to the ground.”

She almost yanked the door in with her when she sat too hard, wrenching her shoulder as well. Nosty finally opened his side and climbed in while she stretched it out.

“I don’t have a job,” he said. “So what’s my excuse?”

“Your excuse is that you know Kaz very well and that you know she’s capable and sometimes unreliable.” 

“Yeah, and I know what’s out there, so I know one slip and she could be smeared across the fucking street.”

Belle winced, slamming on the brakes when she started to back out. 

“Sorry,” Nosty mumbled while she checked and rechecked all of her mirrors. “I’m sure she’s fine.”

“We’ll see her tomorrow,” Belle said. 

They rode home in silence. Nosty had left some things at the church, and they hadn’t discussed whether he lived with her full time or not now, just that they would both stay with Joseph when Kaz moved in. For now, Belle told herself they were not moving too fast because he did have a place to go if something went wrong, but secretly, she hoped he never spent another night away from her.

On Wednesday, Nosty didn’t want to spend a second day inside, so he rode to work with her, kissed her goodbye, and disappeared. Kaz did show up that day, out of it and slurring, so Belle tucked her into the couch with a movie and let her sleep it off. Nosty met her at home for dinner, not even bothering to stop in to say hello.

When they got to the library on Thursday, Belle turned the car off and didn’t unlock it. 

“What?” he asked.

“Are you going to ask Kaz today?”

He clenched his jaw and shrugged. Belle pursed her lips. 

“Your hair appointment is on Saturday, and you wanted to do it before you looked too different. So it’s today or tomorrow.”

Instead of a response, he kissed her and then disappeared. She rolled her eyes. He had therapy that afternoon, so maybe that would give him confidence again.

Since Joseph was bad with computers and still didn’t have enough of a congregation to warrant hiring a staff—other than Nosty, who had agreed to clean on Saturdays for now, since he was unlikely to find a job while awaiting a possible prison sentence—Belle set to work that morning making flyers to advertise for volunteers. Nosty was serious about doing something for homeless people, but he had no experience organizing things, and Joseph should have had experience but had spent too long neglecting his flock. The main tasks thus fell to Belle until she could find a congregant to volunteer. 

Kaz was sitting at a table and doodling when Nosty reappeared after therapy, and Belle could have sworn that he made himself smaller to avoid her as he slunk through the door, bypassing Belle entirely in favor of her office.

Belle met Kaz’s eyes and shrugged, waiting until she’d returned to her drawing before following Nosty.

“Wasn’t sure she’d be here,” Nosty said instead of hello.

“Are you going to talk to her?” Belle asked.

Nosty sank further into her chair and said nothing. 

“Nosty, you’ve waited four days. Are you changing your mind?”

He glared at her. “What, you think I’m such a piece of shite?” 

Belle jerked back in surprise, and Nosty curled in on himself, staring at the floor. 

“Sorry,” he said. “Sorry, I know you don’t.”

Belle walked over to his side of the desk and laid a hand on his shoulder. He gripped it hard. 

“Did you have a difficult appointment?” she asked carefully. He stared forward for a few seconds, then nodded. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

He shook his head. “Thirsty,” he said. 

He’d had difficult sessions before, but she’d never been with him, and she’d never been trying to rush him into a difficult conversation right after. “Why don’t I make tea and you can take some to Kaz?”

Nosty pulled her hand off his shoulder and toward his chest, where he held it in both hands like a comforting stuffed toy. 

“Okay,” he said. 

Once he let go of her, she filled her personal electric kettle and plugged it in, then went back to rub his scalp.

“What if she’s angry?” he asked, eyes drifting shut. She ran her fingers down his neck and he shivered.

“Angry about what?”

“Angry it took me this long,” he said. “Angry for—other shite.”

“She might be angry,” Belle said. “You’ll just have to let her be.”

He turned big, baleful eyes at her, reminding her so much of Joseph, she almost laughed. “Let her?”

“Nosty, you have learned enough in therapy to know that her feelings are valid,” Belle said. “So yes, let her.”

“I know her feelings are valid.” He closed his eyes again. “That’s the problem.”

Belle kissed him on the head, and then the kettle whistled and it was time for Nosty to take tea out to Kaz and ask her to move into the church. 

“Where do you want me to be?” she asked.

“At the desk,” he said. “I’ll talk to her outside.”

For the first time, she watched Nosty assemble his swagger piece by piece, like he couldn’t quite remember which bit went where. Eventually, he had two cups of tea and clenched teeth, but he strode from the office without looking back when Belle opened the door. By the time she made it to her desk with her own cup, Nosty was bent over the table speaking low to Kaz. Kaz glanced back at Belle, who smiled at her, and then followed Nosty outside.

In an effort not to spy on them, Belle set herself back to the task of making a list of things that would need to be done in order to host a soup kitchen. She’d only made it to five things when Nosty stormed back into her office, slamming the door behind him. Seconds later, Kaz stomped in, snatched a few granola bars and a water off the cart, and then stomped back out.

All Belle could do for a minute was sit and stare. Should she go to Nosty? Should she follow Kaz? Part of her philosophy was that she provided a safe space but didn’t leak into any other part of anyone’s life, but she’d broken that rule with Nosty.

Since Nosty was no longer homeless and in danger, Belle rushed after Kaz, but there was no sign of her when she jogged up and down the block. She pinched the bridge of her nose. This wouldn’t keep her away forever, would it? And what had he said?

With no way to reach Kaz, Belle headed back in. She needed Joseph here to man the desk, but things were still delicate between the three of them, the wound still tender, so she hadn’t asked him back to the library.

Nosty sat on the floor of her office, back to the wall, forehead against his knees. Saying nothing, Belle lowered herself to the ground next to him, and all he did was tip himself sideways until he rested against her. She wrapped an arm around him and they sat in silence for a minute, but she couldn’t just spend the rest of the afternoon in her office, as much as she wanted to.

“Nosty?” She kissed him on the head. “Was she angry?”

“No.” 

She didn’t want to argue with him about it, but Kaz had seemed pretty upset when she’d stomped out. She squeezed Nosty, and he lifted his head, stretching his legs out.

“She wasn’t angry until I got angry.” He grabbed a fistful of his locks, tugging them taut. “I told her that the church had a bed for her, and she said she didn’t want it, and I—” He pressed his lips together.

“Told her what you thought of that answer?” Belle supplied.

“Aye.” He shook his head. “How stupid does she have to be? I mean, I know she sleeps at the shelter when she can, but that’s just a bunch of shite food and shite beds.”

“Well.” Belle leaned her head against his. “You left my flat when I offered it to you.”

He looked sideways at her. “Aye, but I’ve lived on the streets forever. I had no reason to trust that I’d keep a home. She had a home and a family. Friends.”

Belle tried not to be offended about this. If she punished Nosty for his honesty, he would never be honest. “So maybe she just needs some time to think about it.”

“Why?” He turned to her. “Is it because it’s me?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” She had no idea about Nosty and Kaz’s history with one another, and she didn’t want to know. If either of them wanted to share, they would. “Maybe she just needs some time to come around to the idea.”

Nosty groaned, head flopping back into his knees. “I know you have to get back out there, but I’m staying in here.”

She nudged him with her elbow. “You don’t want to spy on me from between the shelves?” 

As she’d hoped, Nosty’s lip twitched. “Maybe later.”

****

Since Belle had assured him that he would know if the church would be getting another resident on Thursday, MacAvoy had summoned up the courage to ask them both to come to dinner that night, especially if Kaz would be with them. He needed a big gesture, something to show that he was making an effort.

Nosty hadn’t mentioned anything about Belle in his apology, but he’d spent most of their time together berating MacAvoy for treating Belle like a servant, so he figured that if he made dinner and cleaned up himself, that would go a long way. 

Of course, the whole conflict had not cured him of his inability to cook, so he had to do something sensible. A celebrity chef had been on the local news to show everyone how easy it was to roast a chicken, and though he wasn’t confident in his ability to provide a perfectly cooked chicken, he was pretty sure he could at least overcook it enough to keep from poisoning everyone.

When Belle and Nosty appeared—holding hands—they were alone. That was probably for the best, because when he’d stuck a knife into what he hoped was the chicken’s thigh, he hadn’t been sure whether or not the juices streaming out were rosy or just catching the light wrong, and now he was certain the chicken was overcooking. 

He met them at the door, then led them up to the rectory and the set kitchen table, where he had laid out mugs for tea.

“It smells good in here,” Belle said. Nosty grunted, and MacAvoy shoved down his gut reaction. He didn’t hate Nosty. He just had complicated feelings about the whole situation, which he would discuss with his new therapist at their first appointment on Monday. This was his mantra.

“Thank you.” He pulled the kettle off the stove where he’d been keeping it warm and filled their mugs while they removed jackets and bags, then took his roasting tray out of the oven and tented it with foil like the woman on TV.

“A whole chicken!” Belle took her seat, and her smile could have lit the room. MacAvoy stuffed that thought down as well—he could not be mooning after Belle. Nosty would rightly see that as a betrayal of his trust.

“Ambitious,” Nosty said. He rested his elbows on the table and plunked his chin into his hands in a gesture that MacAvoy could only describe as “glum.”

“So, just the two of you for dinner then?” He hovered over the fourth place setting. It wasn’t a big enough table to waste space with an empty plate.

“Just the two of us,” Belle said. 

“What happened?”

No one spoke while he put the plate and silverware up, and he turned back to find them having some sort of silent conversation with their eyebrows. His heart clenched. Of all the times he’d thought that Belle and Nosty saw themselves as one unit and him as a separate one, he could see now that that hadn’t been true until he’d ruined everything.

“Well, Kaz wasn’t receptive to the idea of living in a new strange place just yet,” Belle said. 

“She doesn’t trust me,” Nosty said. 

“She didn’t trust me either,” MacAvoy said. “You’re not alone.” He joined them with his own mug and they all sat in silence, though he thought maybe Nosty wasn’t as glum as he’d been a minute ago. Progress.

“I think you should ask her again,” Belle said. “Maybe she thought it was too good to be true.”

“Again?” Nosty asked. “What if she doesn’t come to the library tomorrow?”

“You could always go look for her,” MacAvoy said. “Maybe she’d believe it if she saw you making a bigger effort than going to your girlfriend’s place of work.”

At the world “girlfriend,” MacAvoy couldn’t miss the way Nosty’s face softened, his hands loosened around the mug. He was happy to have Belle as his girlfriend—just as happy as Belle had been all those months ago when she’d thought she and Nosty would be together for good. 

“Yeah, maybe,” Nosty said. “Are you ready for our haircuts, Joseph?” 

MacAvoy almost jumped. Nosty never used his name when he could sneer out a Father instead. Was Nosty making an effort too?

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“At least your head won’t look the wrong shape,” Nosty said, peering at his mug like he could see his own reflection in the tea. 

“You will both look handsome,” Belle said, and MacAvoy shoved his mug in front of his mouth. She had never complemented his appearance before. 

Nosty didn’t have to hide though, and he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. 

“Someone’s gonna look at you and wonder why you’re with the skinniest, ugliest fuck on the block, and everyone bloke we pass’ll think I’m a god.”

Belle laughed, and even MacAvoy smiled a little.

His timer went off for the chicken to be done resting, and then he had to confront the fact that he had never carved a chicken in his life. When he was a kid, his father had always carved any roasts, and the skill had never been passed on to him.

“Do you need help?” Belle asked. 

“No, no, stay,” MacAvoy said. He couldn’t ask Belle for anything on the night that he was supposed to be proving his own self-sufficiency. Carving a chicken couldn’t be that hard.

Nosty appeared in silence behind him, arms folded, and he almost dropped his carving knife. 

“I can help.” Nosty held his hand out for the knife. “I’ve butchered a raw chicken. Can’t be much different, right?”

MacAvoy’s eyebrows flew up, but he handed him the knife handle. “When have you butchered a raw chicken?”

“Had a foster dad who was a butcher for about six months.” He shrugged, and MacAvoy glanced at Belle to see if she’d heard this. She was watching Nosty with as much adoration as he and Nosty showed to her. 

“Well, thanks.”

He stood off to the side, and Nosty glanced over at him. “Don’t hover, hey? Go sit down.”

Nosty hacked the chicken into eight pieces, then Belle suggested he slice the breast meat, so MacAvoy took over because he figured he could do that, and it was probably the most civil the two of them had been sharing kitchen time ever. Perhaps now that Nosty wasn’t there all the time, they would get along more.

“It looks amazing,” Belle said, serving herself roast potatoes and carrots from the platter and spooning drippings over the definitely overcooked meat.

Nosty grunted again, but maybe this was a grunt of agreement? Maybe Nosty didn’t have the capacity to tell MacAvoy that he’d done a good job, but he wanted him to know that he agreed with Belle nonetheless.

“So you’ll ask Kaz again tomorrow?” MacAvoy asked.

Nosty sighed, world-weary and dramatic. “Aye, I guess I’ll ask her again tomorrow. When’s your first appointment with a shrink?”

Belle looked up at this as well, eyebrows raised, and MacAvoy’s first instinct was to lie and say he hadn’t made one. Why was he embarrassed? 

“Monday,” he forced himself to say.

“Good.” Nosty pulled the bone out of a chicken leg. Was that a positive or a negative sign about his cooking skills? “If you want, you could come to the library tomorrow.”

Belle’s eyebrows flew up, and MacAvoy almost choked on chicken skin. 

“Really?” he wheezed, glancing at Belle. “You don’t mind?”

“I certainly don’t,” she said. 

Nosty peeled another piece of meat off the bone, focusing on his plate, and then shrugged. “I don’t mind either.”

MacAvoy could have wept.

****

Nosty came with Belle to work again, though he’d spent the morning distracting her from getting ready by luring her back to bed or the couch or the shower. She wondered if this was perhaps because he expected Joseph to come to the library and he was asserting dominance, but it could just as easily have been because he was anxious about the Kaz situation.

They arrived and he disappeared to lurk, which was a good sign as far as Belle was concerned. If Nosty was spending his time hiding out and watching her from the shadows, it meant he was feeling like himself. 

Joseph showed up around ten, at which point Belle tried not to notice that Kaz hadn’t arrived yet.

“Where’s Nosty?” Joseph asked once he had his coffee.

“Around.” Belle gestured to the library. “He might come out to use the computers eventually, but I suspect he wants to feel like Batman for a little bit.”

“Batman?” Nosty’s voice appeared from much closer than she expected, and Joseph jumped, spilling coffee over his fingers.

“Do you want me to load the typing program?” Belle asked, grinning. 

“Fine.” He appeared from between two shelves, startling Joseph again. 

Nosty was distracted at the computers for a good hour while Belle chose some books for story time and Joseph manned the desk, typing away much faster than he had last week, but then he disappeared into the stacks again. 

“Kaz is usually here by now?” Joseph asked when Belle set her stack of books on the desk for that afternoon.

“She is.” 

But Nosty emerged a few minutes later with a book Belle knew he’d read at least three times and said nothing as he sat back at the computer. Since he spied on her so often, she didn’t think he’d mind that she stared as he opened a blank document, then opened the book and set his phone on it to hold it in place. Then, he started typing.

When Belle checked on him another hour later to see if he wanted lunch, he’d transcribed four of the book’s pages into his document.

“I don’t think she’s coming,” he said, not breaking concentration. 

“It doesn’t look that way.” She touched his shoulder and his hands stilled. After a second, he closed his eyes and leaned into her. 

“I guess I’ll go find her.”

“Are you sure you want to do that?” Belle asked. “Are you sure you want to go back?”

He leaned further into her. “I’m sure I don’t want to,” he said. “But that’s fucking selfish, ennit? I mean, it’s just bad memories for me. I’ll know that I get to go back to a nice flat with blankets and a heater and food on the table.”

 Belle stroked his hair as best she could. It would be nice when it wasn’t such a big tangle, when she’d be able to run her fingers through it. “Do you want me to come with you?”

At that, he shot upright so fast, her hand almost flew into her chin. “No, I do not want you to. You stay here.” 

“Okay, okay, I’ll stay.” He settled again. “But if you need me to come get you, you call me okay? Don’t try to protect me. I’ll come in a taxi if you want me to.”

“How about if I need to, I’ll get in a taxi and come to you?” 

“Okay.” She bent down and kissed him on the temple. “Do you want to take Joseph?”

He snorted. “You’re mad. Can you put together some stuff Kaz likes?” He waved his hand toward the snack cart. 

“Of course.”

Ten or so minutes later, Belle had sent Nosty on his way with a pocketful of biscuits, crisps, and a chocolate bar. 

“Should we be nervous?” Joseph asked as she took over the desk from him.

“I don’t know.” Belle rubbed her forehead. “Kaz was already gone one day this week, and I don’t know what that means for her yet, so I don’t have a guess about why she might be gone today too, other than that she didn’t want to see Nosty.”

“He’s doing very well,” Joseph said, voice careful. Belle shoved down the uncomfortable prickle in her chest at this. Joseph was turning a new leaf. He was not trying to undermine Nosty.

“He is. I’m really proud of him.”

“And this—this haircut?” 

Belle grinned, glad to be looking at her computer instead of Joseph. “Kathryn suggested it for the trial. I offered to cut my hair off too, but he said if he had to cut his, I had to keep mine for the trial.”

“It’s probably a good idea.” 

They sat for a few minutes, then Joseph went to make them both cups of coffee. When he returned, he hesitated before sitting down.

“What is it?” Belle asked.

“This Kaz—is she—okay? Will it be all right with her in the church?”

Belle shrugged. “She’s just a kid. If she can just have a safe place for long enough, I’m sure she can get back on her feet. Nosty says she just needs something stable and loving.”

Joseph nodded like he was psyching himself out. “Right. Okay. And—and do you think he’ll find her?”

Belle sipped her coffee, staring at the ripple in its surface before shrugging. “I really don’t know.”

****

Belle and Joseph were closing up the library when Nosty finally called. She fumbled with her phone for two rings before she managed to answer.

“Nosty!”

“Hi, Belle?” said a voice she thought was Kaz’s. In the background, she could hear shouting and sirens.

“Kaz? What’s wrong? Where’s Nosty?”

“He’s here, he’s—”

“Oi!” came Nosty’s voice in the background. “Give me the phone!”

Belle’s heart calmed, but she still found herself clutching at Joseph’s sleeve. “What’s going on?” 

Someone else shouted, and then she heard Nosty yelling that he’d only meant for Kaz to dial, but then it all went muffled. 

“He wants you to meet him at the emergency room.”

Still holding Joseph’s sleeve, Belle jogged toward the car, letting go when she realized he was stumbling after her. 

“Kaz, can you put Nosty on the phone?”

“Paramedics won’t let me,” Kaz said. “Are you on your way?”

Belle threw herself into the car and turned it on while Kaz gave her the hospital information, and Joseph had barely shut his door before she was backing out.

“What happened?” he asked, struggling to buckle as she whipped out of the parking space.

“I don’t know, Nosty’s in an ambulance on his way to the ER.” Maybe she should have tried to ask more questions, but there was so much activity, she didn’t think it likely she’d have gotten any answers. “He seems to have found Kaz though.”

“The ER?” 

“I could hear him in the background, so he was at least alert,” Belle said. 

It was a relief to only feel anxious about Nosty’s health, not whether or not he might disappear. And there was certainly nothing like an emergency to put her and Joseph on more even footing. With a friendship built on crisis management, this might have reset the scales. 

As soon as she parked the car, Belle flew into the hospital, Joseph shuffling along behind her. Kaz was stuffed into a chair in the waiting room, arms around a small trashbag, and she stood when Belle hurried over.

“Hi, do you—is that your stuff?” Belle asked.

“They took him back when we got here,” Kaz said. She peeked around Belle, clutching her bag tighter. “That’s Father MacAvoy?” 

“Yes, and he would be glad to help you put your things in my car.” Belle waited long enough for Joseph to join her, then handed him her keys and left to find Nosty.

It took a few different nurses, but eventually a fearful one pointed out which communal room his bed was in, so she thanked her with the friendliest smile she could muster and hurried in.

Nosty sat up in the bed closest to the door with his arm stretched out on a tray next to him, wrapped in bloody gauze. The blood on his t-shirt, Belle was relieved to see, was just splatter, not from a wound underneath it.

“There you are, finally,” he said with a grin, and Belle swooped over to his free side to kiss him. He slipped his good arm around her waist. “What took you so long?”

“What happened?”

He heaved a sigh, wincing when his bloody arm moved. “Got stabbed.”

“Stabbed?”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

She quelled the urge to throw herself on him and check him for injuries. Clearly, the paramedics had at least stopped the bleeding, and it must not have been a life or death emergency or he wouldn’t have been sitting here, waiting. 

“Getting stabbed sounds pretty bad. Who stabbed you?”

He shrugged, fidgeting with the hem of her cardigan and not meeting her eyes. Who would have stabbed him that he wouldn’t just tell her? Kaz?

“Nosty?”

“Look I just—” He squeezed his eyes shut and slipped his arm away. “Okay, I went back to me old spot, right?” 

“Right.”

“And I looked like this.” He gestured to himself. He was dressed the same red kilt and white shirt he always wore, but it was clear he’d put on the shirt this morning, clear that it was laundered and well-kept—though bloodied now—just like the rest of him.

“And someone didn’t like that?” Belle asked.

He shook his head, frustrated, like he’d explained it so clearly and Belle had failed to understand, so she said nothing and let him gather his words.

“He was tweaking out, it wasn’t personal.” Nosty’s hand twitched, and he rubbed his finger and thumb thumb together so hard, sparks might’ve flown. “Kept saying ‘they got you, they got you’ and going on about chips and how he wouldn’t let me into his head, I don’t know.” 

Belle settled against the edge of his bed so that she could stroke his hair. Nosty’s hand didn’t still, but he did settle against her. 

“Anyway, Robbo tried to get him to back off, but then he started waving his knife around and I figured better me than Robbo since I’ve got you, and honestly, I thought I could take him no problem, but here we are.” 

She kissed his temple. “And Kaz?”

“Fucking useless,” he said with no vitriol. “Stood off to the side until I got the knife away from him, then Robbo tackled him and suddenly her feet worked again.”

Belle snorted. “At least she called me.” 

“Aye, and she was supposed to dial your number then hold the phone to my head so you wouldn’t have a fucking coronary.” 

She kissed him again. “I could hear you screaming, don’t worry.”

He turned his head so she could kiss him on the lips this time, but after a few seconds, she pulled away. There was a curtain separating them from the other patients, but it wasn’t like this was a private room.

“Did you bring me anything?” he asked. “I’m starved.”

“No, sorry, I was rushing. I’ll go find you something?” 

He kissed her again, and maybe it wasn’t so bad to be kissing behind this somewhat private curtain. Once she pulled away, though, she promised to return with something sweet and headed out in search of a vending machine.

After several minutes of wandering, she found one that had Nosty’s favorite chocolate bar, so she bought that and a bag of crisps before heading back to his bed.

The doctor’s voice trickled down the hall, so she sped up in case he was talking about wound care, but then she froze just outside the doorway.

“—managed to nick an artery this time, eh, Nosty?” he asked. “What happened? Someone interrupt you?”

“Oi, I got fucking stabbed,” Nosty said. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Belle walked in as the doctor was saying, “Well, they won’t be giving you another section two.”

“He’s not looking for a section two,” Belle said, voice so angry, she hardly recognized it. “He was stabbed.” 

The doctor jumped, and Belle took the opportunity to insert herself on Nosty’s other side. If she could have put her body between him and the doctor, she would have, but the bed made it too difficult.

“And,” she went on before the doctor could respond, “If it was actually self-inflicted, what kind of person ridicules a man going through a mental health crisis?” 

“All due respect, ma’am—”

“Respect?” Belle could have strangled him if she wasn’t holding a candy bar. “Nosty, is this the doctor who wouldn’t let you call me?”

The doctor’s eyebrows widened, as if he hadn’t realized that Belle wasn’t just some stranger who’d stopped in to pick a fight.

“No, I would never—”

“I wasn’t speaking to you.” She turned her back on him as best she could with Nosty and a bed between them. Nosty was smirking. “Is he the doctor?”

“No.” Nosty shook his head. “It was a woman last time.”

“Good. Now, what’s your full name?” Belle asked, opening a text to Nosty. “I’ll need it so I can report you.”

“I’m sure that’s not necessary, ma’am.”

Belle narrowed her eyes. “If you don’t give it to me, that’s fine, I’ll just ask one of the nurses.” She lifted her phone up and snapped a photo of him. “And if all else fails, someone will recognize you.”

“Oi, you just gonna stand there?” Nosty asked. “Or are you gonna do your fucking job and stitch me up so I can get out of this fucking hellhole?”

Belle wanted to smile at Nosty, but it would be more effective for her to stand and glare at the doctor, and after an eternity, the doctor nodded.

“Right,” he said. “Let’s get you stitched up.”

****

MacAvoy wasn’t in the hospital room, so he didn’t exactly know what went down other than, as Nosty put it, Belle put the fucking surgeon in his place, but he did know that all four of them stuffed into Belle’s sedan with a trashbag full of everything Kaz owned between her and MacAvoy was probably the most awkward twenty minutes of his life, even worse than being alone with Kaz in the waiting room.

Belle had planned on taking them all out for dinner, but since Nosty’s arm would be numb for several hours, she’d instead ordered pizza in to the church, giving Kaz a tour while she ate and Nosty and MacAvoy ate at the table.

“So who stabbed you?” MacAvoy asked.

“A protestant,” Nosty said, and MacAvoy scowled. 

“You know, Nosty—”

“Oi, come on, Father, we’re supposed to be getting along, hey?” Nosty asked. “You can’t get mad at my personality.”

MacAvoy’s face relaxed into just a confused frown. Was Nosty maybe just—joking with him? Like a friend? 

Belle and Kaz returned when he and Nosty were almost done, and he suspected that was purposeful, so he excused himself from the table and let Kaz sit. A quick walk around the rectory showed that Belle had already made up a room and put her trashbag in it. 

Nosty joined him after a few minutes, an unlit cigarette in his mouth.

“We’re being kicked out,” he said. “Belle said to smoke one cigarette and then come back.”

So he stood out in front of his church in the cold while Nosty puffed away on his cigarette, numb arm hanging awkwardly at his side, and then they trudged up the stairs to find Belle in the living room.

“Kaz is in the bath,” she said. “And I told her that I’d sleep on the couch tonight to keep an eye on her door.”

“The couch?” MacAvoy said just as Nosty said, “I’ll stay with you.”

“Just for tonight,” Belle said. “Nosty, you’ll need help showering, won’t you? Let’s go now and get it over with.”

“Coming,” he said, and MacAvoy didn’t miss the way he all but sprinted toward the bathroom. He wasn’t even trying to hide that he and Belle were about to shower together.

MacAvoy sat at the little table where he wrote his sermons, contemplating this. Academically, of course. He was not thinking about what Belle and Nosty were doing behind his bathroom door. Belle had only been professional when she mentioned it, had only wanted to help him, and that was what she was doing. If he listened hard enough, he most certainly would not hear her cry out, would not hear animal noises from Nosty.

He pressed his forehead into his hands. Shut up, he willed his brain. He would have said it out loud, but if Kaz was like Nosty, he didn’t want to be snuck upon and discovered to be talking to himself. 

But Belle and Nosty emerged well before Kaz, both in pajamas, and settled themselves on the couch with a pillow and a comforter, Belle between Nosty’s legs, leaning against his chest.

“How’s your arm?” MacAvoy asked.

“Tingly.” Nosty waved it, then settled it on top of Belle. “You ready for tomorrow?”

“What’s tomorrow?”

They all turned to look at Kaz, hair wet and wearing Belle’s sweats. 

“They’re getting haircuts,” Belle said, voice heavy with impending sleep. Nosty’s hand in her hair rubbed lazy circles.

“Haircuts?” Kaz looked between Nosty and MacAvoy. “Nosty, you cutting yours off?”

“Aye. Solicitor said I had to.” 

“And I have been blackmailed,” MacAvoy said. Nosty grinned. “Do you have everything you need?”

“I think so. I thought—” She fidgeted with the hem of her sweatshirt, and Belle lifted her head, eyes widening like she was forcing them open.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I thought we could watch a movie?”

“Oh, of course.” Belle started to sit up, but MacAvoy was faster, and Nosty pulled her back into him. 

“I’ll put something on. I hope you like Batman,” he said. 

Kaz nodded her agreement, then trailed after him like a duckling while he found the DVD box, and then while he fiddled with the TV, she curled up in the armchair. 

By thirty minutes into the movie, Kaz and Belle were both asleep, and, as usual, Nosty was much more interesting than the film. He glanced at the TV every so often, but mostly he watched Belle, stroking her hair and adjusting his injured arm against her.

After a few minutes, their eyes met, and MacAvoy flushed, but he didn’t look away.

“What?” Nosty asked, voice harsh even as a whisper.

“Nothing.” MacAvoy shook his head. “Nothing, it’s just—nice. That’s all.”

Maybe it was the light from the TV, but he could have sworn that Nosty’s cheeks colored. He grinned. Had he made Nosty blush? That was the nicest part of the whole evening.

****

One of the subconditions in Nosty’s annotated and expanded conditions of forgiveness was that, if it was not possible to have two appointments side-by-side, Joseph would get the first haircut. He sat in the chair now, dropcloth draped around him, eyeing Belle and Nosty in the mirror.

“I feel like I’m having that nightmare where you’re in the locker room at secondary school and someone steals your clothes while you’re in the shower,” Joseph said. 

“You think I’m gonna steal your hair and run?” Nosty asked.

“It feels that way.”

Belle patted him on the head. She would miss his hair—Nosty’s too—but it would all grow back.

“It’s for a good cause,” she said. “And we won’t just leave you here bald.”

“Bald?” 

He settled when Belle and Nosty both snickered, and then the shampoo boy was taking him over to the sinks, so they took their seats in the waiting area.

“How are you feeling?” Belle asked.

“Worse than Joseph,” Nosty said. “I’ve had this hair for a fucking decade.” 

She squeezed his hand. “We’ll go to the bookstore after this, okay? And we’ll get whatever you want.” 

Nosty fell silent, so she squeezed his hand again and turned to watch Joseph. The stylist was brushing his hair out now, about to take the first snip. Joseph’s eyes met hers in the mirror so she flashed him a thumbs up.

She could hear the shears across the room, and then before they knew it, most of Joseph’s hair sat in a pile on the floor. She turned to Nosty to say something encouraging, maybe a see? that wasn’t so bad, but the words died in her throat when she saw his red eyes, clenched jaw.

“What?” she asked. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head, staring straight at Joseph as the stylist went to work shaping. “Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. It’s just, um—” He licked his lips.

“Do you think he looks bad?” 

His lip twitched. “No. I just—I haven’t owned any of me own books in years. Since I was a kid, probably. So, eh,” he licked his lips, “I’m losing my hair, but getting something else, I guess.”

“Oh.” How had she never bought him books? It hadn’t even occurred to her since he was in the library and her flat so often. “Well, you’ll need a bookshelf, then.” 

“Can’t I share yours?” he asked.

She shook her head. “You deserve your own. And you’ll fill it with books.” 

He wrapped his good arm around her and rested his chin on her shoulder, kissing her cheek, and then they watched for the next twenty minutes as Joseph went from long-haired priest to short-haired stranger. The stylist dried and styled his hair, running her fingers through it until it looked as mussed as hair that short could, and then she spun him around to present him.

“It looks great!” Belle stood while next to her, Nosty was silent.

“It’s not bad,” Joseph said, then flushed and turned to the stylist. “Of course, you did a great job. You were wonderful. No complaints.”

Belle grinned, and then he was climbing out of the chair and the stylist was coming over to collect Nosty, and he walked over like it was a noose.

“Okay, so we’re cutting all this off, but leaving as much as we can?” she asked.

“Right.” Nosty, staring into his own reflection, nodded. Belle had already taken pictures of him that morning, and pictures of them together, but she snapped another one now just in case.

“Okay, well we’ll do the initial cut first, and then Jess will take you to the sinks, all right?”

Nosty nodded, Belle took a step back out of the stylist’s way, and she raised her shears. Just before she could cut the first lock, Nosty yelled, “Wait!” His hand shot out to grab Belle’s arm.

“What?” Belle laid her hand over his, ready with either the arguments to convince him to go through with it or to convince him it was okay if he didn’t. “What is it?”

He swallowed hard, glancing at himself in the mirror, his locks wild and free, and then turned back to her. Taking one deep breath, he squeezed her arm like a security blanket, and looked her in the eye.

“I love you,” he said. 

Belle was sure that her eyes filling with tears and her lip trembling was not the reaction that Nosty wanted, but she couldn’t help it. Her heart was so full, it had to spill out somewhere. 

“I love you too,” she said.

Tentative, Nosty smiled, and then he released her arm and turned back to the mirror.

“All right,” he said. “Cut ‘em off.”

The stylist smiled at Belle, and Belle smiled back through the tears streaming down her cheeks, and then she raised her scissors and snipped off the first lock.

[imfinereallyy]

when you said I scared you, well I guess you scared me too

Steve looks over the pamphlet in his hands. The smooth surface shouldn’t feel so rough on his hands. He supposes that’s because of the scars and callouses over his fingers. Nothing is able to be soft for him anymore.

Steve moves his gaze from the pamphlet to the door, to the pamphlet and the door once again. It shouldn’t be so scary. It is a community center door, similar to the ones they have in Hawkins. It’s made of beat-up wood and foggy glass. Steve’s sure if—no when, he pushes the door open, it’ll squeak. Rusting hinges that need replacing long ago, reminding him of his worn-out limbs.

Steve knows he shouldn’t feel so achy at 25, but when facing his own mortality year after year for so long, he knows a few aches is probably the bottom of the barrel of problems he has.

Steve lets out a breath. Circles his thumb around the edge of the pages and gives himself a paper cut. He doesn’t flinch; he knows it will happen. He isn’t sure if he could look someone in the eye and tell them he didn’t do it on purpose. He probably would tell the truth instead; he has many vices, but lying isn’t one of them. The truth being he just wants a reminder that he is alive.

That this is real.

“Okay.” Steve breathes again. He can do this. He promised Robin he is going to try. Even after all this time, he can’t say no to her. Can’t break her heart. So even though they move to a new city, even though Steve has already been sober for two months, she thinks this will be good for him.

Narcotics Anonymous: 6pm-8pm, Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Fucking N.A. Steve thinks. He doesn’t want to do it. It is already hard enough trying to avoid all of the Upside Down stuff, a major contributor to his problem. But the other big part, the abuse part, the queer part, isn’t always safe to talk about. No matter how anonymous it says, it is. Steve isn’t stupid. Sure, there were other things he could talk about. His neglectful parents. His struggles with depression. The countless head injuries. How one of his best friends hasn’t spoken to him in over five years. How he is pretty sure he is dead. How the other friends of his he met when they were 13, and he is nearly 18.

All really good stuff to work out.

But Steve knows he won’t be able to move on unless he can talk about everything honestly. Well, everything that isn’t signed away in an NDA.

“Isn’t the point to be able to heal?” Steve tells Robin when they are unpacking boxes. “It’s either this or therapy dingus, and this is free,” Robin says while wrapping bubble wrap around his head.

She does the research, of course, because she’s Robin. She finds the one group in all of Chicago that is considered “friendly to all groups around.” She even admits to having Dustin help her, and Robin doesn’t ask anyone outside of Steve for help, let alone admit it. So Steve knows she is serious.

Steve groans loudly. His voice echoing throughout the hallway. Using the pamphlet as a barrier between the wood and his palm, Steve pushes through the door.

As usual, Steve underestimates himself, and the door slams against the wall, echoing throughout the room. Everyone in the room turns away from the podium to look behind their seats at Steve.

Steve glances at his watch. 6:04 pm. Shit. He supposes punctuality is supposed to help with recovery. “Sorry,” Steve says to the room with a grimace and a little finger wave.

“It’s okay.” The man at the podium states. He has salt-and-pepper hair and round-frame glasses. He isn’t particularly old, though. He’s handsome, and well-aged. Like a fine wine that Steve knows he can’t touch anymore. “You actually arrived a little early for a first-timer. Please have a seat; we just started.” The man laughs lightly, waving to the empty back row.

Steve rushes to his seat. Thankful that most people here have the humanity to face back to the front. He brings a little relief to Steve, knowing these people can sense when not to push.

Well most people.

See, while everyone else turns back around, one head stays perfectly on Steve. He can feel the eyes boring into him so furiously that Steve can’t help but turn in their direction.

Steve expects an older gentleman who is fed up with young people's disrespect of punctuality. Or a younger person, wanting to move addictions from drugs to sex. Which Steve isn’t looking for right now. He even thinks that maybe it’s a family member someone brought with them today who doesn’t understand the etiquette of N.A.

What Steve doesn’t expect is to turn and see the very best friend he hasn’t seen in five years. A man he thought to be dead. A man whose last words to Steve were that he rather would be.

Because there, staring at Steve with wide eye curiosity and sorrow is Eddie Munson.

And he is even more beautiful than the last time Steve saw him.

***

just an idea I had bouncing around….

part 2? Maybe if people are interested, cause I have so much I could write on this. Either way I think this interesting on its own. Also I’ve dealt with addiction close hand with loved ones, but I am not an addict myself so if I get anything wrong please feel free to correct me. I want to handle this with care.

The title is from “Joey” by concrete blonde. An amazing song, everyone should listen to.

[compassionatereminders]

Just wondering what is your day to day like? Do you have a routine? For example if I need aomething from the store I always leave at 7.55 am so I'm there at 8 am, I go home & prepare things for lunch (like chopping onion and such small things that I hate doing so I don't need to do them later when I actually start to cook). I have my lunch. Later I go read some books, go on the internet and just like that a few hours passes. Then I start cooking, take a shower, go to work and repeat. During weekends I do the same stuff but instead of going to work I go out for a walk, meet with friends.

I feel the best when I have a routine. So I'm wondering if you are a routine person? Or not? And how your days look like?

The routines I'm trying to build/maintain at the moment are...

Hygiene:

Brush teeth twice a day

Do skin care routine (wash + moisturize) every morning

Brush hair every morning

Full shower three times a week (wash body + wash hair + condition hair + shaving if I care to + moisturize legs and arms)

Chores:

Grocery shopping on Mondays

Laundry on Tuesdays

Cleaning my apartment (vacuuming, washing and mopping the bathroom floor, cleaning sink, mirrors + toilet) on Wednesdays

Exercise:

1-2 one hour walks per day

Swimming once a week

Personal development:

Therapy on Thursdays

Reading a book for at least an hour each day

Reading at least one news article per day

Listening to an audio book for at least an hour per day

Making one drawing per day Monday to Friday

I don't manage all of it consistently, but this is what I'm working on at the moment!

[louciferish]

Me with the last two weeks basically.

For those unaware, my job rn is in the US federal government contracting space. So, I think just saying that implies a lot of crazy shit is going on right now. My partner works in this industry too but at a different company and a different federal agency.

So, things started going tits up on the 20th and we were like, fine, we're going to Kansas, hopefully it calms down by the time we're back.

Because something has to go wrong every time we travel now, we had a crisis related to my MIL shortly after arriving. Her sister went to pick her up for a doctor's visit and the house smelled like gas. So, we arranged for another family member to go out and check/relight the pilot light for her stove, which worked to dissipate the gas smell, but in the process of checking out the house he found a burst pipe in the basement. So the first day of Nationals we were running in and out on the phone trying to get a plumber and stuff.

That's the short version of all that.

Nationals, overall, was fun. In terms of the competition, my biggest conflict was I wanted Amber to repeat as champion, but I also really wanted Alysa to skate lights out, and I ended up getting both! So, very satisfying there. All my faves did well, and my partner enjoyed watching the competition.

If you haven't been to one of these events, a thing that happens is that a fair number of really good seats end up empty. Often, if you look online, these seats show as sold/unavailable, but for whatever reason no one ever shows up to sit in them. So, it's pretty common for people to scoot into these better seats when they get noticed, and especially you'll see skaters who want to watch other segments of the competition come and scoop those seats because the free seats for athletes are in the nosebleeds.

Throughout the weekend, we had one particular group coming to scoop seats in our section. The parents would sit somewhere behind us, usually, and their two daughters would sit down closer to the rink, and they'd talk and pass things back and forth. We never really spoke to them particularly, but one morning when we came in early the parents had the girls pose in front of the rink for a photo, and the mom made sure that they turned their name badges around for instagram, so we noticed the girls' names -- Everly and Alydia.

After we flew back home on Monday, we had Tuesday off, and then on Wednesday I had to drive to DC for a three day event at my office. Went to bed early Wednesday night. Woke up at 4 AM on Thursday morning to find several texts from folks who knew we were in Wichita but didn't know we were home. Within a few hours, I was refreshing the news on my way to the office and saw a list of possible victims that included a very familiar photo -- two girls, posed in front of the rink at Nationals that weekend, name badges turned to face the camera.

It's a weird thing. I've mentioned it on other socials a bit, but I'm trying not to suck too much air out of the situation. Ultimately, we didn't know the family. We didn't talk to them so much as we heard them talk to each other over our heads. We saw the girls for three days in a row as they cheered on senior skaters. We went home to a shit show in the government thinking "at least we got a break for something positive and fun" only to have that positive experience be memorable above all for tragedy.

And now we're back at work, trying to keep our heads down to figure out if the programs we work for will even still exist in a few weeks.

I have a therapy appointment on Friday. My therapist is expecting me to come in and talk about difficulties with being sociable and an assignment she gave me to talk to our neighbors. Instead, she's going to be in for a hell of a ride.

[ms-m-astrologer]

July 2023 Good Days

These are the dates and times when the transiting Moon is (1) in a sign ruled by a particular planet, and (2) making a flowing aspect to that planet. (Usually a sextile or trine, sometimes a conjunction.)

Mercury: Thursday, July 13, 07:26 - 16:50 UT

Good for all Mercurial activities: learning, reading, thinking, reasoning, and communication.

Venus: Sunday, July 23, 05:54 UT - Tuesday, July 25, 14:00 UT

Venus stations retrograde the day before this, so it’s best to use the time to (begin to) re-evaluate all your Venus-type activities: art, beauty, love, and money.

Mars: Tuesday, July 25, 16:55 UT - Wednesday, July 26, 11:31 UT

Good for the Scorpio side of Mars - like a surgeon wielding a scalpel instead of a soldier wielding a sword. Less impulsive and more given to planning.

Jupiter: Thursday, July 6, 17:33 UT - Friday, July 7, 10:28 UT

Good for getting in touch with the Pisces side of Jupiter in particular: spirituality, loss (yes really), charity, retreats.

Saturn:

Sunday, July 2, 17:20 UT - Monday, July 3, 04:43 UT

Sunday, July 30, 03:44 UT - 13:15 UT

If you need to tackle some project that requires patience, self-discipline, these are good times to do that.

Pluto: Tuesday, July 25, 16:55 UT - Thursday, July 27, 22:36 UT

Good for plumbing, psychology, therapy, getting to the bottom of things, and recycling.

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Wonderful World - Part 13

Hello friends, here's the next one! I hope you like it! A lot of it is Harry and Celeste in session for those of you who like those parts!

Series Masterlist

WC: 10.1K

Celeste had been pretty quiet when Diana picked her up from Geri’s on Saturday afternoon. She seemed really in her head and even a bit secretive so Diana was a bit worried that maybe something had happened. She had asked already, but Celeste just said she was fine so Diana decided to drop it and just keep an eye on her just in case. It was going to be her last week of school, she had exams coming up and plenty of rehearsing for the final concert the school’s jazz combo was having on the upcoming Thursday. It was going to be a pretty intense week and as much as Diana wanted to just beg her to talk to her about whatever had her acting strange she decided to just trust her and leave her alone. She’d come to her if and when she needed her. Diana had distractions of her own though…

She’d spent basically the whole day with Harry and it gave her no chance to stop thinking about the wonderful night they had together…and then the morning too. The morning had been really good…He’d gone down on her and that’s how she had woken up and well…she returned the favor. But as she showered he had made her breakfast and they ate, and then he gave her a tour of his place and then they lounged around and just talked over some cooking show droning in the background until she had to get home and change before picking up Celeste. She did feel really guilty when she saw Celeste…but then she remembered that Celeste was upset at Harry and that she wouldn’t be taking her to therapy on Monday, which was great. Harry fully intended on showing up to her concert on Thursday, so she had some time to get past the guilt and awkwardness of them being all together on that occasion. It was dinner time now and Celeste had literally been locked away in her room all day, so Diana just shouted up the stairs for her to come eat. Moments later she heard her steps coming down the stairs and she appeared in the kitchen.

“What’re we having?”

“Picadillo. Do you want rice or tortillas?” She asked her as she looked in the fridge.

“Tortillas.” Celeste responded.

“Me too.” Diana hummed and reached for those instead a pulled out her comal - which was basically an iron griddle but for tortillas. She got it on the stove and let it heat up. “So, you’ve been locked in there all day? Are you studying?”

“Yeah…” she hummed and Diana nodded.

“Good. How are you feeling about your final exams?”

“They shouldn’t be too hard…I’m a little worried about Math, but it’s math…”

“You have an A-!” Diana said with a smile and Celeste shrugged.

“If I don’t do good I’ll have a B though…”

“Yeah, that’s fine. B’s happen. And well, I think it’s great to have goals and to push yourself to do as best as you can, but I just want you to know that I won’t harp on you for a B.” She assured and Celeste nodded and smiled. She liked being good at school, Diana never had to push her to do better, she just liked it and she was a smart kid, but that also meant that she could be really tough on herself. Like Diana was…she knew all about this, but her parents did pressure her to be the best, to only get A’s, and well, whether parents believed it or not, pressuring your kid into perfectionism like that can do a lot of damage to their self confidence and she didn’t want that for Celeste. “So…Monday’s your birthday. Do you want to go out just the two of us? Or did you make plans with your friends?” Diana asked.

“Well we did talk about seeing either Guardian’s of the Galaxy or Into the Spider-verse Monday night since on Tuesday we just have to talk about our English paper to the class and then present our Historical event. Ozzy is just finishing up his paper tonight so that he doesn’t have to scramble.”

“Oh, OK. What time is that at?”

“Well, Spiderman is at 7:35 and Guardians of the Galaxy is at 7:50.” She explained.

“Gosh, why so late?” Diana asked with a small grimace.

“Geri starts her volleyball camp thing after school.” Celeste explained.

“Well, that’s cool with me as long as you are ready for your Tuesday finals. Maybe we can grab dinner beforehand?” She asked as she set the tortilla’s down into the heat now.

“Ummm…actually, I was hoping it’s not too late to…be able to talk to Dr. Styles.” She said and Diana turned around with a frown.

“Did something happen at the dance?” She asked immediately and Celeste shook her head right away.

“No!” She responded quickly and Diana looked at her with some skepticism, “I swear!” She insisted and Diana sighed.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! I just…I wanted to talk to him about taking a break over the summer.” She explained and Diana’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Like things are good now. And I know that doesn’t mean that I don’t need therapy, but maybe just not as frequently? And like…I’m still really upset at him, mom and I just don’t want to drag this feeling with me anymore. Like he really…hurt my feelings.” She explained with a slight frown and Diana pouted when she heard Celeste say that. “I really needed him there, mom.” She said and Diana nodded in understanding, “And everything else is good except that. And I don’t want that negativity to drag into my summer. I think I just need to tell him and…maybe I’ll get over it sooner.” She said and Diana bit her lip.

“Yeah, alright. I’ll let him know if you’re really sure.” Diana said to her.

“I am. I thought you wanted me to go?” She asked.

“Well, yeah. But in your own time.”

“Ummm, mom?”

“Yeah?” 

“The tortillas are burning.” Celeste informed her flatly and Diana whipped around quickly to see that they were smoking as they started to get charred.

“Oh shit!” She exclaimed as she rushed over and she heard Celeste giggling behind her. “Yeah, yeah I know I said a bad word and I owe you 5 bucks.” Diana mumbled as she picked the burnt tortillas off of the heat.

“I’ll let this one slide because you’ve never said one in front of me before.” Celeste joked and Diana chuckled.

“Thank you. I appreciate it.” She responded with slight sarcasm. 

**********

Celeste had been thinking about how she was going to communicate her frustration to Dr. Styles for the past 2 days. She wasn’t sure why she was still so angry and disappointed at him for not showing up. Even she knew that he had to have a good reason for it, but she didn’t care. A part of her believed that she was his favorite patient…that they had a special relationship or bond because they were connected in more ways that one through her mom’s friends. Maybe he did give his cell to all his clients to call him whenever they needed anything. Maybe he went out of his way for all of his clients and hugged them and was really nice to them. And suddenly her anger towards him felt more like sadness…sadness that maybe she put more weight on their relationship than he did. In truth she really liked Dr. Styles, she liked that she could tell that he cared about her. And well…she did like having him around. They all had so much fun at Disneyland or when they went to have sushi that one night…or when he took her advice and adopted Misty…When he was around it kind of felt like she had a dad. Or if she could have a dad she’d want him to be like Dr. Styles and maybe that was an issue… and now she was regretting her decision to come talk to him.

She felt so weird about that and her nerves were making her feel anxious as they rode up to his office in the elevator. As soon as the bell dinged indicating they had reached his floor they walked out and just went a few doors down the hall to his office. Her mom pulled the door open for her and as Celeste went to step inside she was completely shocked to see Dr. Styles smile and jump up from leaning on the reception desk. He had a pocket amp clipped to his belt loop and he had this gorgeous, cream colored electric guitar over him and he immediately started to play the “Happy Birthday” tune in a very edgy, rock style as he sang along. She couldn’t help but smile wide in surprise at this impromptu performance. She glanced back to her mom who looked just as surprised as she did but quickly jumped in to sing along softly with her hands on Celeste’s shoulders.

“Happy birthday dear, Celeeee-est!” he sang, “Happy birthday to you!” He finished the song with a bright smile as her mom started to clap and whoop softly. Celeste knew that her face was likely all pink in embarrassment and as Dr. Styles turned around she caught a glimpse of a cupcake on a plate and he pulled a lighter from his pocket and lit up the sparkly candle that was sunken into the icing and he handed it over to her. “Make a wish.” He said with a smile as he handed the little plate to her and she mulled it over for a second.

She was too busy thinking to notice Dr. Styles briefly glance up to her mom and she shook her head as she mouthed a “thank you” to him at his little surprise. Celeste finally blew out her candle and both Dr. Styles and her mom clapped for her. 

“I wasn’t sure what flavor you preferred so I just went with chocolate because well, s’the best. And there’s raspberry compote inside. S’real gourmet.” He said with a smile and Celeste chuckled.

“Ummm, well chocolate’s my favorite so it works out.” She assured with gratitude and she felt some of her sadness fade away. Surely he didn’t do this for all of his patients’ birthdays.

“Perfect.” He responded, “And you can take your time and eat it here or we can head back and you an eat it there. Or even save it for later? I bought these little takeaway boxes at the culinary store to keep it safe when I brought it over.” He was rambling a bit. Diana knew it was because he was a bit nervous because he knew that somewhere in there Celeste was still upset at him

“We can head in.” She said and he nodded and guided her back. He glanced at Diana once again who wasn’t really instilling any confidence in him at the moment with the small smile she offered him as she took a seat and then he headed inside his office. Celeste had set the cupcake down on the coffee table and had beelined to Misty who was resting on her tower. “Hi Misty.” She said quietly and presented her hand to let her know she was coming closer and misty just took a lick before Celeste started petting her head gently.

“Have you had a good day with it being your birthday and all?” Harry asked as he settled into his seat.

“Yeah…just had my P.E. and geography finals.” She shared, still focused on the cat, “Then just hung out in the library with Geri so we could finish our History presentations.”

“Oh, OK. Were you able to finish up?”

“Yeah.” She responded as she kept petting Misty. 

It was a bit tense and awkward between them right now because Harry knew that initially she didn’t want to see him at all. And well, he did want to apologize to her for letting her down…maybe he should’ve saved the birthday song for the end of the session after they had hopefully patched things up. It was quiet for a few minutes as she just stayed with Misty and Harry sighed and decided he just needed to get to the matter at hand. He shouldn’t be feeling this badly or nervous around a child…especially one that was his patient! But maybe the biggest issue here was that Celeste wasn’t just a patient to him. He cared about her in a bigger way even before he had properly accepted his feelings for Diana. He had a soft spot for her and he just wanted to help her and be there for her and take care of her however he could.

“Ummm Celeste, can we talk for a minute?” He asked and she hummed, “But come here please, you can bring th cat with you.” He said and she carefully grabbed Misty and sat in her usual spot but her eyes stayed fixed on Misty in her lap, “Please look at me. Unless you’re still upset, which I would totally understand but I just want to properly apologize to you.” He said to her and she glanced up at him. Her eyes had started to well up a bit and he frowned, “I’m really, really sorry for letting you down and not showing up to the meeting after I promised a million times I’d be there to support you.” He said and she sniffled, it pained him to know that he had been the person who had let her down after everything, “A client came in and was in total crisis. It was a really big emergency and I tried my best to finish up as fast as possible, but things like that really require me to be thorough to ensure my patients’ safety and I just…I took a lot longer than I expected. By the time I was comfortable in letting him go home it was almost 8:30 and I immediately knew I had messed up.” He said and she wiped under her eye with her hand. 

“I really needed you there.” She sniffled as she finally looked into his eyes properly. He felt this horrible knot in his chest at being the reason why she was so upset.

“I know you did. And I promised I would be, but this was out of my hands. As a psychiatrist I have a responsibility to all of my clients, especially when they’re in crisis. That takes priority over everything else, it could mean a person’s life.” He explained, “And you have every right to be upset, I’m upset too for letting you down like this. I at least wanted to tell your mum, but I didn’t really get a chance to until afterwards.” He said to her and she sighed shakily as her tears kept flowing.

“I just felt like you didn’t care about me or that maybe because we had crossed too many boundaries with you hanging out with us and stuff like that and that you had changed your mind.” She explained and he shook his head.

“No, no I didn’t change my mind. And well…I think that…maybe we have crossed into a more friendly territory which certainly adds more strain and expectations to our relationship.” He agreed, “And well that’s not really your fault. I’ve let the boundary slip, but it’s because I care about you and your mum and her friends are my friends and it’s…just made it easier to let those things mix for me. And that’s completely my responsibility.” He assured her, “I’m really sorry, Celeste. And I understand if you’re still upset, I just wanted to explain myself and apologize for letting you down. I never meant to hurt your feelings like this.”

“No, I understand. And I do forgive you.” She said and he sighed in relief.

“Thank you. I really needed that, I promise you I’ve felt like shit since then.” He confessed.

“You said ‘shit’ so you owe me $5.” She said without really thinking about it.

“What? Did we set up a no cursing rule I forgot about?” He asked in confusion and her eyes widened. 

“Oh no…that’s just…w-with my family. And well, Grace too. Sorry…my mom said that word yesterday when she burned some food by accident and I guess it was just fresh on my mind.” She explained quickly, “Like deja vu you know?” She said with a bit of nerves now and he nodded.

“Yeah, that’s alright.” He assured her. Did she think of him as family? That was the first question that came to his mind. “Umm…you had asked your mum to cancel before and well, you’re here now, right? So what did you want to talk about today?” He asked her as he just decided to move on from this incident which clearly had also made her feel a bit weird.

“Ummm…I know I said I’ve forgiven you just now but I ummm…I was still really upset yesterday by you not showing up and I just needed to talk to you about it because it’s really been messing with me and I just thought that if we got a chance to talk about it, it might help me just get over it.”

“Well do you feel like it has?”

“I guess? I don’t know…like I just…took it really personally and I know I shouldn’t. But I just did and I was just trying to understand why.” She disclosed. 

And well, Celeste knew why now…she had talked to her mom about it already, but she definitely didn’t want to talk to Dr. Styles about this. It would probably make him feel awkward and uncomfortable with her if she explained that…in a way she viewed him as a father. And more than that, it was embarrassing! This was a classic “teen with daddy issues latches to any male figure who shows her a little bit of care” situation. She felt like a cliche! And truly, she believed her life was absolutely perfect until she had started to come to therapy. Her mom had done everything she could to give her everything she could and she took such good care of her, but she could see more than ever how having more help with her made her mom calmer and less worried about her. And more than that, having someone else to go to about issues with her mom had helped their relationship. It had provided a buffer that was so needed but that they’d never had before. It made her feel more supported, like more people had her back and protected her and looked out for her. And when Dr. Styles failed to show up she felt like…he had taken that away from her and it hurt and made her angry.

And as the thought about it now she kind of understood why her mom was so hesitant to date. Maybe her mom was afraid of being in a situation like what had happened to her and Dr. Styles…like one day someone would fail to be there or even pull the rug out from under her and all those wonderful things that come with having another person in the picture would be gone. Letting someone one in also meant presenting an opportunity for getting hurt and that was always scary.

“Celeste?” Harry’s voice called her out of her thoughts and she glanced back to him, “You seem to be thinking about a lot. Do you want to share any of those thoughts? And we can work through some of them to get to the bottom of why you might have taken this so hard?” He asked her.

“Umm…it’s alright.” She shook her head and he tried not to frown a bit. Did she not trust him anymore? Had his absence hurt her in such a way that she didn’t feel like she could be vulnerable with him again.

“You have every right to be upset at me and I won’t be upset at you if you have something negative to say about me or this situation.” He assured her and she bit her lip and shook her head.

“It’s not that. I just think I can manage this on my own.” She said. She was having flashbacks of her dream now and how she called him dad in the heat of an argument. Her face started to go red as she recalled his shock and near horror in her dream. He would surely react in a similar way.

“So you know why you’re still upset at me?” He asked and she nodded. “OK. And I’m sure you can handle it too, but this has a lot to do with my actions and why speculate about them when I’m right here to explain myself or defend myself to you?” He questioned her logic.

“Because it actually has nothing to do with you.” She sighed, “You’re not responsible for how I react though.” She said.

“Well, yes. I can’t actually choose that for you, but I am your therapist and clearly something about this is causing you some turmoil that you don’t want to be feeling and it is my job to help you work through that. To rationalize it and to help you understand where those feelings might be coming from. And especially when my actions have caused you to feel this way I am even more responsible for helping you resolve this.” He insisted and she shook her head.

“Well maybe I just don’t want to talk to you about this.” She said and he frowned.

“Well why not?”

“Because!” She slightly raised her voice.

“Are you still mad at me?”

“Yes!” She groaned and moved Misty out of her lap as she stood up and paced a bit to calm down, “I don’t want to be though! I shouldn’t be…like it’s not that serious!”

“Well clearly it is…” He said and she huffed, completely frustrated, “And if you have an issue with me we need to resolve it for the sake of your progress and our ability to continue working together.” He explained and she looked really nervous.

“What if it’s not something you’ll want to hear?” She asked him.

“Whatever it is, I can handle it. I promise you I can handle it.” He assured her. He was feeling nervous now about what she might say. Being a psychiatrist who practiced a lot more therapy than most psychiatrists he had heard some insane things and knowing Celeste, it wouldn’t be all that bad, but he still felt a bit nervous anytime someone had something to say about him, especially if they were upset at him. She looked so anxious over whatever she was going to say and she just walked over to his sideboard with the record table and looked at the things he had on there as she worked up the courage to explain to him why she had been so impacted by his absence.

Celeste didn’t want him to think that she was weird for feeling like he was a paternal figure to her. She didn’t want him to tell her that maybe she should find another therapist now…there were a lot of ways this could go, but none of them panned out well in her imagination. Yes, her mom had said that these feelings were normal and that this could happen, but that still made her feel odd about it. Especially because she knew that to him, she was just another patient. Another person who paid for his time…who knows how many people sat in the same spot she did and received his empathy, care, and support! She didn’t like feeling this way around him, unsure and nervous…he usually made her feel safe and looked after and she was scared that it was going to change everything. 

“I ummm…I had a dream the other night where we were here and I was really angry at you f-for bailing on the meeting and I was just shouting at you…” she said as she lifted the needle to the record player. Her eyes started welling up as the anxiety got the best of her, “and I…I called you “dad” on accident and you freaked out on me and kicked me out of here.” She said and then whipped around to see his reaction. He did look a bit caught off guard but not upset or weirded out.

“Oh.” Was all he said. He was definitely feeling nervous now because well yeah, for a normal client-clinician relationship this needed to be addressed and boundaries needed to be tightened up. But for them it was more complex. It wasn’t just her mind blurring the lines, he had literally blurred the lines. He had done more than he should have, he got more involved, he made things more personal…he cared about her more than just a client. He wouldn’t go as far as saying that he saw her as a daughter, but he did feel more affection for her as an extension of Diana. He knew that if he were to find a way to be with Diana that he would take on that role for Celeste, but he had no idea that he’d already been doing that for her.

He was silent for a moment too long and Celeste shook her head as the anxiety started to take over and she exhaled shakily. 

“I’m sorry…I knew I wasn’t ready to talk to you.” She said softly, “I think I should go.” he frowned as she beelined for his office door.

“Hey, hey, hey, hang on!” He said and she sighed as she stopped a few feet from him.

“Just give me a few minutes, yeah? M’processing too.” He said and she bit her lip.

“Can you process faster?” She asked and he chuckled softly.

“Just sit for a second, let’s talk about why you feel this way.” He said and she reluctantly sat back before him again, hugging a pillow to her chest now to comfort her through his uncomfortable confession she made to him.

“I ummm…I know why I feel that way now, I-I talk to my mom about it.” She said and his eyes widened more now.

“Oh?”

“Yeah…” she said as she just started at the floor the whole time, avoiding his eyes, “She said there’s like a term for it…when you like place your feelings about someone else onto your therapist or something like that.” She huffed.

“Yeah, transference.” He said and she nodded.

“Yeah, that’s it.” She confirmed, still avoiding his gaze, “She was saying that maybe in you not showing up it just reminded me about how, even though I never met him and he’s gone, I’ve felt like my dad hasn’t shown up for me.” She recalled what her mom had said to her, “And it’s…true. When it all clicked in my brain that was exactly it. And she said that’s normal? And like…if it is, why does it feel weird?” She asked.

“Well, I don’t know? What about feeling that way towards me feels weird to you?” He asked her and she sighed.

“I don’t know…”

“You do.” He insisted and she groaned and slumped further into the seat, “What’s the first thing that comes to mind?” He asked her and she sighed.

“That I’m just your patient!” She said with a frown and he hummed. “Whenever you determine that everything’s good with me then this is over and we just go our separate ways like nothing ever happened here! And just like him, you’re gonna be out of my life forever more! Like…my mom pays you to talk to me and care about me and I just feel stupid for making it feel like more than that.” She explained with tears streaking down her cheeks now and he pouted.

“Hey, look at me.” He said gently and she shook her head, “Please, Celeste. I want to talk to you about this properly.” He appealed to her and she sighed shakily before glancing to him and he was wearing a small frown.

“Your mum’s right, this is quite normal except that for patient’s this is usually something that just happens on it’s own, but in your case I’m…responsible for a lot of this.” He said and she sniffled.

“How?”

“Well, because I made it more personal than I normally would.” He explained, “And I am so sorry that it has led us to this, I never meant to cause you any harm or even make you feel this way but I just…after meeting you and getting to know you better I just wanted to help you as much as possible. I can’t pretend that I haven’t done things pretty unconventionally with you, I mean…going to dinner with you and your mum, and hanging out with our mutual friends….like…we’ve been connecting outside of the therapeutic relationship and well, it’s actually quite a big no-no for this very reason.” He explained, “It often causes a lot more harm than good to our clients and that’s…that’s the opposite of what I wanted.”

“So I’m just like any other patient of yours?” She asked sadly and he sighed.

“You should be, but you’re not.” He explained and she sniffled, “I do care and worry for you a lot more than I ought to. And the more I realize that I don’t know how good of a therapist that can continue to make me for you.” He explained, “And that makes me sad because I love being there for you and I have fun when we get all hang out with Grace and Henry,” he said with a smile, “but that has changed the way I interact with you and it has clearly changed the way you feel and interact with me, right?” He asked and she nodded, “And I promise you, I don’t sing happy birthday and bake for all of my patients’ birthdays.” He assured and she chuckled through her tears, “I just…I just really was upset with myself for letting you down. More than I ought to for any other normal patient. So I…I feel that I needed to make up for failing you with the meeting. Your mom did tell me about how the meeting went and I am so proud of you for being so mature about everything, for keeping it together despite your anxiety. For showing compassion towards Megan!” He said with a smile, “And I feel like I should look after you and help out with you more and…I feel responsible for you in a way. And even on the days we don’t get to see each other I wonder if anyone has said something to you at school or done something to hurt your feelings and it…it makes me sad to think that you have to wait until Mondays to share that with me and get help with anything.” He admitted, “So it’s not your fault that you’ve painted that picture of me in your head. I suppose that those are some pretty fatherly things to do and be concerned over.” He finished and she reached for a tissue and dabbed under her eyes.

“Yeah…” she said softly, “And it’s not like my mom doesn’t do a good job and try hard or isn’t enough, it’s just…different.” She said and he hummed.

“How so?” He asked.

“Well…like…if I had a dad my mom wouldn’t have to be the only person stressing out. There would be someone she could share that with and talk to about it. There would be someone who could help her. And like…I know she’s my mom and she’ll always be concerned about me, but…sometimes I feel like…maybe it’s too much for one person.” She explained and he nodded in understanding, “I feel bad that…all of this has happened to me and I’m sure it’s been hard for her to deal with it too and like it’s only her issue, you know? And with you around I can tell that she’s felt…not so alone in this.” She said and he nodded in understanding, “Like…when something goes wrong and I’m not ready to talk about it with her she tells me that I can talk to you first and like that’s nice because she doesn’t feel like it’s all on her when I don’t want to talk yet.”

“Yeah, she’s learned to trust me with you, I think.” He explained and she nodded.

“Exactly. And like…I know that, that’s a big deal for her. When I was little she didn’t even hire nannies because…she just didn’t trust them.” Celeste explained, “And it’s always been us! And like I said before, it’s been really good, but I can see how it’s been even better now and that makes me feel like in a way you’re part of our family and well…if she’s the mom then…”

“I’m the dad.” He finished for her when she didn’t say it and she just nodded as she looked into his eyes nervously. And well, Harry wished he could just tell her how much Diana meant to him and how he was falling in love with her and that if she wanted to accept it, they could…be something more similar to a family. He hadn’t let his walls down enough to care about Celeste how he could if he and Diana ended up together because it was still an unknown and he also didn’t want to get hurt. But if this was the reaction after he didn’t show up for one thing he was worried to fail her as a therapist again. If he and Diana were more then he could be there for Celeste in the way that she now recognized she wanted.

“Well…just in listening to what you’re saying it sounds like you kind of feel like something has been missing? Is that a fair assumption for me to make?” He asked and she nodded, “And now that you’ve experienced this you think that what’s been missing from your life is a father figure, right?” He asked and she nodded again, “Well, last time we talked about your mum potentially seeing someone it upset you, quite a bit actually. Do you remember?” He asked and she nodded, “You felt like with someone else in your lives she wouldn’t have time for you anymore.”

“Yeah.” She confirmed.

“So has that changed for you?” He asked and she shrugged, “Because if you want someone to be integrated into your family, a father figure, that kind of requires for your mum to…date people and eventually have a partner. To have someone to share the load with her and to also be there for you in the way that you want.” He said and she bit her lip, “So when you think of it in that way do you still feel the same?” He asked and she shook her head.

“I just…I don’t want her to forget about me.” She explained softly.

“Your mum will never forget about you. She loves you so much, Celeste. No one could ever replace the place you have in her heart and in her life right?”

“Right.” She said and he smiled.

“Right.” He confirmed and she sighed, “You know…I think that in order to really figure out how you guys can move forward with that it might require some family therapy. So you can both share your desires and needs.”

“With you?” She asked and he chuckled and shook his head.

“I don’t think I’d a good fit for that, petal, too many blurred lines.” He said and she sighed, “But…I mean, it’s worth a shot.”

“I do want my mom to be happy though.”

“Do you think that she also feels like maybe something is missing?” He asked her and Celeste bit her lip for a moment as she thought.

“I don’t know if she knows but…I think she feels it sometimes? Like I can tell she feels that way sometimes.” She said with a small frown, “She’s always saying that she’d only want someone who would be nice to me and understand that I’m a priority in her life and like…I would want that too but…if it’s gonna be her boyfriend then she just needs to like him, no?”

“Well, it is a bit different when someone has kids. Even if you don’t have a dad, you two are still an established family, you know? And well, some people just don’t fit with certain families so she needs to consider how someone new would…impact your family, you know? So yeah, I mean I’m sure she’d date for herself, but also keep in mind that whoever she chooses needs to also be good for you.”

“Yeah…” she sighed. “I just…feel bad for her sometimes.” She confessed, “Like…I don’t think she’s gotten to be happy enough before and lately she…seems better? Like when I brought my dad up on Friday it’s the first time she didn’t cry when she talked bout him.” She shared, “And like, I don’t know if that was a one time thing or if she’s getting better? I hope she is…” she said and Harry wanted to smile so badly because he knew that, that had to be because of him. “I don’t know…I feel selfish sometimes, like everything is about me.”

“Well, your mum chose to have you so in a way, a lot of her life is about you and that’s OK. She wanted that, she wanted you. But I think that sometimes parents are really good about just focusing on their kids only and they forget to take care of themselves sometimes and maybe you can help her with that? Maybe remind her to do things for herself that are nice and in that way you can also show her that you care about her and her personal happiness.” He suggested and she nodded with a smile.

“OK. I will.” She stated and he smiled.

“Good.” He hummed, “So, no weirdness between us or anything like that?” He asked and she sighed.

“I mean…just a little bit, but not like before.” She said honestly and he smiled.

“Well, I’ll take that!” He exclaimed and she giggled. “So, what do you think you’ve learned in our time together so far?” He asked and she hummed.

“Well, I think to be more honest about my feelings and to communicate when I’m not ready to share something I’m going through or feeling…I ummm, I’ve learned that forgiveness is supposed to benefit me more than others.” She said and he nodded, “And…I think to manage my anxiety better too.” She said and he smiled.

“Good. And I know that things have gotten better for you in terms of the situation that brought you to me in the first place, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t need therapy anymore, you know?” He said and she nodded.

“Yeah, I was thinking that too…it was another thing I wanted to talk to you about…like over the summer maybe we can see each other every other week? I feel really good right now.” She said and he smiled.

“Good. That’s so good to hear.” He smiled with pride and she smiled and nodded.

“Thank you for all your help. I couldn’t have made it this far without you.” She said and he smiled.

“I’m glad I could help. And thank you too for being so open. Therapy isn’t easy for a lot of people and well, I know we’ve had some challenges of our own, but I think we’ve worked through them pretty well.” He shrugged.

“I think so too.” She smiled.

“So yeah, let’s work on a bi-weekly basis then and if you feel like we can go for less after a few weeks we can do that too. It just needs to work for you.” He assured and she nodded, “And like…I just want to make sure that everything between us is good and not murky. So if that means that it’s better that I don’t hang out with Grace and Henry when I know you and your mum will be around, please let me know. He’s my best friend, but we can spend time together on other occasions, you know?”

“I like it when you guys are all together, it just…seems right.” She said and he smiled. He felt that it was right too.

“Yeah, I get what you mean. But if you feel like it’s blurring too many lines I think it’s important that I take a step back from that.”

“Right…” she sighed, “Can I think about it?”

“Of course you can.” He assured and Celeste nodded and smiled.

They talked a bit more about her finals, he gave her some tips to ground herself and manage her nerves, but also some brain tricks to help her memorize her material better for her math class, which is what she was most worried about all while she ate her cupcake. She wanted to tell him about getting asked out at the dance because she was a little nervous to tell her mom, but she decided against that too, she could keep that to herself for now. And so as they started to wrap things up he made her appointment for two weeks from now as they talked about summer plans as Celeste petted Misty again who was obsessed with the attention. They were soon heading back to the office door and before she stepped out Harry tapped on her shoulder.

“Hey umm, I just want to let you know that I’ll be at your concert on Thursday, OK? I promise.” He said extending his pink out to her and she smiled.

“For real?” She asked and he nodded.

“Yes, for real.” He assured her and she then locked her pinky with his for a moment, “Alright, kiddo.” He said and she frowned.

“I’m not a kid.” She said as she opened the door and he scoffed as he followed her into the reception area.

“You’re 15! You’re a kid.” He said with a chuckle as he glanced up to Diana who was smiling as she listened to their interaction.

“Whatever…” Celeste huffed as she glanced back at him briefly before going up to Diana.

“Ready?” She asked and Celeste nodded.

“Umm, we’re gonna meet every other week now. Celeste is doing really well and of course, we can go back to weekly at any time, but we’re gonna try this for a bit.”

“Oh, OK.” Diana smiled at her as she came up and grabbed her bag. 

“Oh, I really like your glasses today. They look really good on you. Just the ensemble is really good.” Harry complimented Diana without really thinking. It also caught her off guard and his eyes widened along with hers for a moment before she responded.

“Oh, thanks.” She giggled bashfully and as Celeste glanced to her mom subtly she saw her look at her feet timidly as her cheeks blushed pink. 

“Ummm, yeah of course.” He said with a friendly smile. “So, any fun birthday plans?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna see a movie with my friends tonight.” Celeste shared as she got her backpack back on.

“Oh nice! Which one?” He asked.

“Guardians of the Galaxy.” She shared with excitement.

“Oh cool.” He smiled.

“Have you seen it?” She asked and he shook his head.

“Oh no, I’m more of a history/artsy films guy.” He confessed and Celeste’s face scrunched up in distaste.

“Don’t tell me you watch those History channel specials-”

“Hey, don’t drag the History channel through the dirt again.” Diana cut in and Celeste immediately laughed.

“I have to agree with your mum. But maybe it’s just an old people thing, you know?” He said and Diana turned to him quickly.

“Speak for yourself, Harry!” Diana scoffed through her chuckle and Celeste laughed loudly.

“Right, my bad…” he smiled at them, “Well you have fun at your movie with your friends and we’ll see each other soon.” He said and Celeste nodded.

“See you soon.” She agreed as she made her way to the door.

“Goodnight, Harry.”

“Goodnight, Diana.” Harry responded with a soft smile as they stepped out of his office and he locked up behind them. As soon as they settled in the elevator Celeste turned to Diana with a grin.

“Dr. Styles made you blush. I saw it!” She teased and Diana shrugged.

“His compliment caught me off guard, OK?” She defended and Celeste smiled and decided not to embarrass her mom any further.

“That’s true…” she hummed, “I talked to him about the whole…dad thing.” She shared and Diana glanced over to her in concern.

“What did he say?”

“Just that it’s understandable since he has also just been a bit blurry with the boundaries. So he said he was sorry if that made me confused and like…yeah, that was pretty much it. He wasn’t weird about it though.”

“Well, I’m glad you guys got to clear that up.” She said and Celeste nodded, “Alright, so what’s the plan? Go home and change and are we picking anyone up?” 

“Ummm…Ozzy I think. Let me check.” She said as she reached for her phone in her backpack, “Yeah, we need to get Ozzy. And then Geri’s dad is getting us after since he’ll be getting off his shift.”

“OK, perfect.” Diana said and Celeste hummed, “Did your uncle call you?”

“Yeah, at midnight last night…” Celeste huffed and Diana chuckled.

“Of course he did…” she mumbled. “So where are we eating though?”

“Ummm…sushi?” Celeste asked and Diana nodded.

“Sounds good. Get changed and I’ll find a place near the theater. Is Ozzy good with sushi?”

“No, but he can eat a teriyaki chicken bowl or something.” Celeste said and Diana laughed lowly.

“I guess…”

“Mom, when did you go on your first date?” Celeste asked and Diana hummed pensively.

“Well…unofficially, and by that I mean it was a secret from my parents, I was 15 and I met up with the boy at the Westfield in Topanga. Officially, with your dad until my senior year.”

“What?!”

“Well my mom caught me kissing that boy from the mall when she picked me up and she lost her mind…he told other people and well, no one wanted to date me because she was crazy and yeah.” Diana explained.

“And that was your first kiss?”

“Yep…god…what a mess.” Diana chuckled as she recalled, “Why the sudden interest in dating?”

“I just wanted to know when a good age would be to like…say yes if someone were to ask me out or something?” 

“Oh…well there’s not really an ideal age, just when you feel ready I suppose.” Diana said and Celeste nodded. She was only asking because she had invited Ben when she ran into him over lunch and he said he would go. She didn’t feel as nervous as she thought she would, but maybe because her friends knew him too and that was always helpful. Besides, she had let him know it was for her birthday and well she wasn’t really qualifying this as a date…they were in a group so not much of a date setting, really. “Did Ozzy get back with his girlfriend?”

“Oh no…but he likes someone else already anyway, so he’s doing better.” Celeste assured.

“Good.” Diana smiled. After a few minutes they were pulling into their house and Celeste was rushing out of the car before Diana could even properly park it. “Careful!” She shouted after her as she rushed to the front door and Diana shook her head. When she made it inside and up the stairs she knocked on Celeste’s door a few times to tell her they should aim to go in 20 minutes the most so that they had enough time to eat before, but there was no answer and as she peeked her head into her room she heard the shower running from the bathroom and Diana sighed as she walked further in. “Hey, be quick or we’re not gonna have time to eat!” She shouted.

“OK!” Celeste’s muffled voice sounded through the room before Diana headed off to her own bedroom to dress down a bit. She pulled out her phone to plug it in since she’d drained the battery playing games waiting for Celeste. She saw a message from Harry where he apologized for his random compliment. She bit her lip for a moment before deciding to call him. It only rang twice before he picked up.

“Hey.” He answered and she could hear the smile in his voice.

“Hey Harry, do you have plans tonight?” She asked.

“I thought you were going to the cinema?”

“Celeste is…with her friends only.” She said with a slightly bitter tone.

“Awww, m’sorry, love. Did you want to go?” He asked.

“Partly, because it’s her birthday. But then I don’t want to pay for a ticket and fall asleep 30 minutes in, you know? Mostly she just wanted it to be a thing with her friends.” She said and he laughed.

“Bailed on by a kid…and well, the not wanting to pay for a nap is very valid.” he finally responded and she grinned, “But to answer your initial question, I’m not busy. We can meet up somewhere nearby where you drop them off?”

“Yeah, sure. They’re gonna be at The Grove, I’m dropping them off at 7:30.”

“Oh, OK! I have a mate who works at Catch, s’right near The Grove. I’m sure he can get us a table last minute? Have you been there?” He asked.

“The rooftop place, right?” She asked.

“Yeah.” He confirmed.

“Yeah, I like that place, let’s go then.”

“Perfect, I’ll call him now alright?”

“Perfect.” She responded, “Also, I’m not on pick up duty so I can drop you off at hime afterwards?” She suggested.

“Yeah, let’s do that then.”

Sounds good.” She confirmed, “Oh, and Harry?”

“Yeah, love?” He asked.

“I uh..I can’t wait to see you.” She confessed bashfully but with the giddiest smile and all of the blood rushing to her face. This made Harry smile so hard that it was hard for him to even think right now.

“Neither can I, baby.” He grinned, “See you in a bit.”

“See ya.” She said softly before they hung up. 

Now Diana wanted to have a quick shower too and she glanced at her shower real quick before deciding to just wash up real fast and exfoliate every part of her body with a scrub. It took her about 15 minutes, but when she went out to check her phone she saw that a text from Celeste had come in just 4 minutes ago asking if they could just skip dinner because she wanted to dress up a bit and that she’d just east at the theater. Diana just liked the message and rushed back to her bathroom. It was understandable that Celeste wanted to get dolled up for her birthday, and well Diana knew she couldn’t look like she was going on a date when they left the house so she picked a nice top, shoes, and her perfume which she then hurried to place neatly in the trunk of the car before rushing back up to her room stealthily and getting into a t-shirt. As much as she told herself that she needed the top because Catch was a sort of cute place that required some effort, she really wanted to look cute for Harry. She did some light make up and decided to just take a pencil liner with her to make it more of a sultry look in the car before she met Harry. She was buzzing in anticipation the entire time. After she dropped the kids off begging them to be good she waited a few minutes and then grabbed her things from the trunk and went to find a bathroom to get changed. Harry had let her know that he was about 10 minutes away so she rushed a bit before she ran back to her car and hurried off to the place. As soon as he saw her car he waved from the entrance and she slowed down in front of the entrance. Harry rushed over to her and she rolled the passenger window down.

“Hey, l got you valet.” He informed with a smile.

“Oh, thank you.” She said and he nodded as he backed away. She got the window up and then herself out of the car as an attendant came up and slipped inside. 

“Got your ticket.” Harry said, patting at his pant pocket before extending his hand as she approached the sidewalk.

“Good.” She said as she took his hand and he then guided them inside. They rode up and were quickly seated at their table overlooking Hollywood. “This is nice. I haven’t been here in a while.” She said.

“Me either, it’s nice.” He smiled as he reached for her hand across the table and she smiled as he fiddled with her fingers a bit.

“Celeste told me she told you about her dream from the other night.” She brought up and he smiled a bit.

“Yeah…she was so nervous to tell me.” He recounted and Diana nodded, “I feel bad because a lot of it is my fault…” he said softly, “Like…I couldn’t help but care a little more before just because of what she was going through, but then I started to like you and…it made me a lot more softer for her.” He said and Diana smiled.

“She appreciates it though, how you are with her.”

“Yeah.” He hummed, “Also, great job explaining transference! Maybe we need to get you licensed as well.” He said with a smile and she giggled.

“Maybe…” she responded softly, “I’m just glad I was able to help her process that a bit.” Diana said and he nodded.

“You did, you did so well. There was a moment there where I just…wanted to tell her how I feel about you, you know? Like…just with some of the stuff she was saying…like it made me want to assure her that like things could stay the way they’ve been if we just…” he trailed off and Diana smiled sadly.

“Yeah. I just need to find a way to talk to her…I don’t want you to be a secret, you know? That’s tough.” She said and he nodded in understanding.

“We’ll figure it out.” He said with a bit more confidence and she nodded. 

They were at the restaurant for about an hour before they decided to head back to his. They crashed through the door quickly and as soon as they were inside he pressed their weight against it to shut it as he kissed Diana ardently. She felt around for the lock and she hummed in victory when it dead-bolted into place.

“Do you wanna go in the hot tub?” He mumbled against her lips and she bit her bottom lip to suppress her smile as she nodded.

“Yeah.” She grinned.

“Mkay.” He smiled, “And…do you wanna do tequila shots?” He asked next and she giggled.

“On a school night?!” She asked teasingly and he kissed her lips quickly.

“Yep.” He confirmed.

“You’re trying to be a bad influence.” She hummed playfully.

“Perfect! Be bad with me.” He grinned and she shrugged.

“Yeah, alright.” She agreed easily and he chuckled as his hands slid up her waist but, under her shirt.

“As beautiful as this looks on you…s’gotta come off.” He said lowly before he helped peel the top off of her. He then undid her jeans as well and got them off before he quickly undressed himself and guided her over to the kitchen in the dark. When the lights flicked on in the kitchen he sat her on top of the counter and went looking for the tequila bottle, “It’s reposado, is that OK?” He said and she giggled.

“Say it again.” She grinned and he pouted at her.

“No, you’re gonna make fun.” He said as he reached for the bottle.

“Harry…” she whined and he ignored her as he grabbed two shot glasses, “Please.” She begged as he set the things down beside her.

“Want a lime?” He asked her and she grabbed one of his hands and squeezed, which made him look over to her, “What is it, baby?”

“Say it again.” She asked sweetly and he smirked as he shook his head, “Please, baby?” She asked and he sighed in defeat.

“Reposado.” He said and she grinned wide, “Jerk.” He said with a grin and she shook her head.

“No, I’ll help you say it properly.” She said and he huffed, “You have to roll the r.”

“I did try to!” He said and she sighed.

“We’ll keep practicing. You’ll get it soon.” She assured and he hummed.

“Now, lime or no lime?”

“No lime.”

“Fine, no lime.” He said as he started to pour the shots.

“And what are we toasting to tonight?” She asked as he handed her one shot glass.

“Celeste. Because she’s 15 and doing way better, and it’s her birthday.” He said and Diana smiled.

“Alright, to Celeste.” She said and he repeated after her before they both took their shot. The tequila was good, so it went down pretty smooth. That didn’t stop her from grimacing a bit at the aftertaste but that soon faded when Harry’s lips smeared against hers as his tongue invaded her mouth. She set her shot glass down and grabbed his jaw tenderly as their mouths moved together hungrily.

“One more?” He asked and she parted from his lips.

“Just bring the bottle.” She suggested.

“OK.” He smiled and he helped her down from the counter and they hurried outside. It wasn’t all that hot in LA yet, oddly enough, so when they dipped into the hot water it felt amazing. As soon as they were in Harry pulled her into his arms and sat her on his lap sideways. “Kiss me.” He said softly and she smiled.

“Gladly.” She whispered before straddling his lap and attaching her lips with his own.

*********

Everything had been going pretty great so far. When they all met up at the theatre Ben had actually insisted on buying Celeste her snacks for the movie. And well, they ended up sitting beside each other and after their hands crashed in the popcorn bucket a few times Ben had just decided to move it aside and extend his hand to hers. Celeste had not been expecting that and an intense warmth and flutter traveled through her body when their hands clasped together. They exchanged a look that made her feel like they were alone in the world and she swallowed the giant lump forming in her throat. He smiled at her slightly nervous and she exhaled shakily before turning back to the screen before her own lips inevitably turned up in a smile as well. 

Maybe this was a date after all.

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----Tag List----

@permanentllyharry @gurugirl @sunshinemoonsposts @ottawaoutlander @matildasatellite @cherrysulewski @jessitpwk @justlemmeadoreyou @sunflovverharry @daphnesutton @angelbabyyy99 @sad-avocado @keriberi @reveriehs

[cryptidsurveys]

Tuesday, September 17th, 2024.

Will you be single over winter? Most likely. I really can't see myself getting into a relationship any time soon. Plus, there's not even anyone on my radar.

Are you mad at anyone right now? Alex has been on my last nerve for some time now, and that nerve is frayed to all hell. I also found out today that she might not be leaving until the 27th. I know it's only a few more days, but seriously, I could have cried right then and there.

Do you add random questions into surveys when you take them? I don't, but I will hunt around for a survey with specific questions I want to answer, or at least something that will allow me to segue into something I wish to talk about.

Where do you wanna live when you grow up? I am "grown up," but in my dream life, I'd be living in a cabin somewhere like Beulah or Rye. I'd be out of the hustle and bustle of the city, but close enough so that a regular commute to the animal shelter (and the grocery store, therapy, etc) wouldn't be out of the question. Realistically, though, I'm probably going to live in this city for the rest of my life. Either in this house or in an apartment if I can ever manage to afford one.

Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? I'm wearing dark blue sweatpants.

Would you get married if you could right now? No.

Do you consider yourself spoiled? No, but I would consider my life rather comfortable. All of my needs are met and then some.

Do you get annoyed when you see someone you don’t like? Alex is the only person I strongly dislike, and yeah, I do get annoyed. I also get rather anxious and afraid of making even the smallest mistake. I know it's important for things to be done correctly, but she's extremely critical, far beyond what I feel is necessary (and not even really towards me specifically, but just in general - she mostly talks poorly of other people). I'm already hard on myself and have a tendency to doubt my abilities, but it just adds this whole external layer of confirmation that I'm not good enough. Except I don't entirely believe that. Which is cool because Past Me would have used even the most innocent correction or fleeting expression of frustration as proof of my incompetence, but now - even when faced with a hyper critical individual on par with the hateful voice in my head - it's like…you know…maybe this isn't reality. Maybe I'm actually doing alright. Maybe even better than I think. But I'm so curious to see how our cattery team evolves once we're free from her influence. Rather than constantly watching our backs, we'll have each other's backs instead.

Could you see yourself dropping out of high school? I did drop out of high school. I ended up getting a GED.

Is there anyone you want to see right now? Not really. I mean, I would like to see my mom - she did invite me to go see a movie with her and some of her friends this evening - but I declined because I knew I would be too tired to be good company.

What were you doing 12 a.m. last night? I was listening to a video by Lights Out Library about the history of cosmetics and perfume while trying to fall back to sleep.

Would you go out in public looking like you do now? No.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? No.

How was your weekend? I spent both Saturday and Sunday at the shelter (full days). However, if we're going with my days off, then my weekend just started. It's a long one too, since I took Friday off as well so I could go to the Chili Festival. On Wednesday, I'm getting up early to go grocery shopping and then I have a therapy appointment at 9:30am. On Thursday, I'm planning on visiting the Mountain Park. It should all be very nice.

Are you a mean person? I can be mean from time to time, but I don't think I would qualify as a Mean Person.

What woke you up today? My circadian rhythm, I guess.

What is something you disliked about your day? AhhhHHHhhH. (Aside from *that*, though, it's been a good day.)

Have you kissed anyone whose name started with a T? Yeah.

Did you date anyone last summer? No.

Where will you be twelve hours from now? In bed.

Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? I don't.

Have you ever slept on a couch with that person? I don't think so.

Have you written a letter to a soldier? I feel like I might have done something like that in grade school. It could just be a memory I borrowed from somewhere/someone else, though.

Ever been in a perfect relationship? No.

Is the last person you kissed mad at you? I have no idea how they feel about me at this point.

How do you feel about the person who texted you last? That was my dad. He's my favorite person in this whole fvcked up world.

What are you looking forward to? Enjoying these next few days off. Shopping for new holiday goodies to try. Getting all this recent shit off my chest in therapy. Spending time in the mountains; possibly going on a short hike. Browsing the Chili Festival. Cuddling with my kitties.

Do you think you are an argumentative person? No. I'm pretty nonconfrontational. I'll rant about things to trusted individuals, but rarely ever say anything to the people in question. I do have my limits, though, and when they're reached…it's messy. I still haven't found an effective middle ground.

How did you feel when you woke up today? A bit sleepy but generally okay.

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex? Yeah.

What time did you go to sleep last night? Around 7:00pm.

Where did you buy the shirt you’re wearing now? I got it at the animal shelter.

What color are your eyes? Hazel.

The last song you listened to? Some classical song on the radio on the way home earlier.

Do you believe change is always good? Change is what you make of it. Everything is what you make of it. Like, on a similar note, I was wondering WTF kind of lesson I was supposed to get out of this current nonsense, and the only conclusion I came to was that I was going to have to make one up in hindsight. It's just the way of things, lmao. You gaslight yourself into believing that all the shit you went through had some greater purpose. ;D

Where are the majority of your clothes from? Walmart, thrift stores, and the animal shelter.

[batboyblog]

LINCOLN, Neb. —  

The Nebraska Legislature was set to vote Thursday on a contentious bill that seeks to ban gender-affirming care for minors and led one lawmaker to stage a weekslong filibuster.

The vote to advance the bill was expected on the third day of debate in which lawmakers have angrily accused one another of hypocrisy and a lack of collegiality. It also saw Omaha Sen. Megan Hunt promising to join fellow Sen. Machaela Cavanaugh’s effort to filibuster every bill that comes before lawmakers for the rest of the 90-day session if the bill advances. 

Hunt took to the floor of the Legislature on Wednesday to confess that the debate is deeply personal for her, because her teenage son is transgender. She called the bill an affront to her as a parent and called out by name lawmakers she would hold accountable if they vote to advance it.

“If this bill passes, all your bills are on the chopping block, and the bridge is burned,” she said. “I’m not doing anything for you. Because this is fake. this has nothing to do with real life. this is all of you playing government.”

The proposal had caused tumult in the legislative session long before debate began on it earlier this week. It was cited as the genesis of a nearly three-week, uninterrupted filibuster carried by Cavanaugh, who followed through on her vow in late February to filibuster every bill before the Legislature — even those she supported — declaring she would “burn the session to the ground over this bill.”

She stuck with it until an agreement was reached late last week to push the bill to the front of the debate queue. Instead of trying to eat time to keep the bill from getting to the floor, Cavanaugh decided she wanted a vote to put on the record which lawmakers would “legislate hate against children.”

The Nebraska bill, along with another that would ban trans people from using bathrooms and locker rooms or playing on sports teams that don’t align with the sex listed on their birth certificates, are among roughly 150 bills targeting transgender people that have been introduced in state legislatures this year. 

Introduced by Republican Sen. Kathleen Kauth, a freshman lawmaker, the bill would outlaw gender-affirming therapies such as hormone treatments, puberty blockers and gender reassignment surgery for those 18 and younger. The purpose of the bill, she has said, is to protect youth from undertaking gender-affirming treatments they might later regret as adults, citing research that says adolescents’ brains aren’t fully developed.

She introduced an amendment Tuesday to drop the restriction on hormone treatments, instead banning only gender reassignment surgery for minors in an effort to get enough votes for the measure to advance. But opponents vowed to force a vote Thursday on the original bill.

If advanced, the bill would have to survive two more rounds of debate to pass in the unique one-house, officially nonpartisan Legislature. Republican Gov. Jim Pillen has said he will sign the bill into law if it reaches his desk.

If it fails to advance, it’s dead for the session, but could be revived next year.

today is the moment of truth, Nebraska Republicans need 33 votes to override Senator Cavanaugh's (and Senator Hunt now) filibuster, there are 32 Republicans, if every Democrat hangs tough and backs up Cavanaugh and Hunt then this bill dies, at least for the rest of the year.

[polyamorouspunk]

Hello friend you invited the chaos

So so so. Recap: friends for years, he dumped his toxic ex, started therapy, we start actually talking.

OKAY. So we were officially dating like *last week*. Monday I was over his house and things were good. Tuesday night/Wednesday morning I legit thought he died cause he wasn’t answering his phone (he did not die he just broke his phone, but the worry was there cause I know he deals with depression).

But while thinking he was possibly dead, I had a job interview at the really cool lab and Im gonna be calibrating gas detectors and doing titrations every monday!! (Spoiler I got the job).

And then I had a second one later in the day after he got his new phone but this one was in some sketchy basement lab with two other employees that are both grown men and Im honestly surprised I didnt die down there.

And then thursday I went to my first therapy session to help deal with anxiety and some other shit right. (It will be so fun showing up after my intake appointment with an entirely new set of issues). Oh also this entire week is happening while my autoimmune disorder is flaring too. Thats also a thing. But also. At this point, things are still fine with the guy. Like he was talking about introducing me to his friends and shit.

BUT OKAY THEN FRIDAY HAPPENS. AND THIS IS THE DAY THAT ALL THINGS WENT TO HELL. *He* invited me over his house during the day while most of his family was gone. And I went cause I was off work and also like. At that point why wouldnt I? But uuuhhhhh while I was there, some *things* happened that *he* initiated (fully consensual) but also that boy was fucking *rough* and I have bruises all over where he was grabbing and I’m sure more I cant see. But like. Genuinely kinda a fun time.

Until. Out of no where he like kinda rushed me out of his house. And I was very confused and concerned about that, because obviously I just put a hell of a lot of trust into someone I had considered a good friend. And so after I got home I asked him if I did something wrong, AND GOES ‘We’ve been very close friends for 5 years so dating just feels not right.’ Which like. Was a whiplash moment for me. So I responded with ‘So. You just want to be friends is what youre telling me?’. AND THIS ASSHOLE GOES ‘Yeah, for now at least’.

BOY THERE IS NO FOR NOW AT LEAST. YOU JUST BASICALLY USED ME AND TOSSED ME TO THE SIDE. LIKE. NO??????

So yeah after that I was sad for a little bit but then ya know I started to be able to see the bruises and I just got so fucking pissed off from that, that I was no longer sad. The sad is gone. I was instead petty and went to the county fair with Mountain Boy and told him what was up and yeah. Thats what that insta post was about lol. I was just being petty because I could be.

OH BUT ALSO. I have to see him in early september for a chemistry meeting and I have every intention of looking hot as fuck when I show up just because I can and I refuse to let a boy get in my head about my own self confidence.

And really in the end he was evidently lacking in both braincells and inches, so it was no real loss on my part lmao

Anyways thats been my week, how are youuu??????

Daaaamn he really strung you along huh well man I feel that about people doing a complete 180 on you and showing their true colors out of literally nowhere. I’m sorry it all went down like that, yikes. Yeah, no, I don’t think I would want to be “friends” with someone like that either. Fuck that guy frrrr. Especially right after that.

Damn what a shitty week but I so hope a new job is exactly the kind of reset you need to take your mind off things.

My week has been alright. I’m feeling really burnt out and emotionally exhausted but I’m healing from the bullshit that I went through. I start school tomorrow which I’m not exactly looking forward to but not dreading either but next week I’m going on vacation (also to Myrtle Beach, finally) since I have 3 days in a row off and my birthday is coming up.

[clunelover]

I have a lot of MIL visit blocked off and accounted for. Like, tomorrow she gets in in the afternoon, but I’m going to be at work IN THE OFFICE (last time she was here, I learned that working from the home while she was there was bad, because I so dread talking to her I just didn’t emerge from my office and starved instead of eating lunch) and then BFF and I will meet for dinner and then we have our first session of a new season of water aerobics. So I won’t see her til late. Then - put a kid to bed and just don’t go back downstairs!

Thursday - in the office again, but I’m forcing myself to make a dinner, from some meatballs I mixed up and then froze so it will be easy. I will sit and eat and converse with her. 💆🏼‍♀️💆🏼‍♀️💆🏼‍♀️

Friday E has performances of the play xie’s been working on for drama camp - and the theater is so small each person can only have three guests per performance which is literally perfect - I will go with my stepmom and C for the early performance, then take C home and put him to bed, while Jeremy and MIL do dinner with E and then see second performance.

Saturday I am hosting a FAMILY PARTY for the holiday weekend! Everyone will be there to act as a buffer! I’m mildly nervous cause I think when Jeremy and she had their big blow up years ago, he told her “one of the reasons we don’t want you to live by us, is that even if you did, you wouldn’t be invited to family events because Meredith’s family doesn’t like you” 🫣🫣🫣 BUT she is coming during a holiday and it’s our house and so we’re hosting a family holiday event.

I told my sister in the most tactful way possible that I want her husband to just fully be off the leash at the party. I really love him, he’s a great guy, and he is definitely neurodiverse - diagnosed with ADHD but I wouldn’t be surprised if he also has autism. His main method of communication is Sharing A Fact, except the facts are often….wrong? And then he really digs in if you challenge him. And he also will react if someone says something shitty, he doesn’t have the “keep quiet and don’t make it worse” instinct, so anyway yeah I’ll be honest, I kind of want to deploy him against her and see what happens 🫣🫣

That mostly just leaves Sunday and Monday (she leaves Tuesday) and on Monday I have some of it filled, by taking E for a haircut (from a cool mom friend we met in 4K who is now a hairdresser, and also has an NB kid at least per what I’ve gathered from FB captions, haven’t seen them in a while - anyway I just feel like this will be a very affirming experience) and then I have therapy in the afternoon (and, do I come back home right after therapy or perhaps go take in a movie? We shall see)

I’m sure I’ll still be complaining tons though so buckle up!!!

[alettertothose]

Adjustments

Work has been rough on me mentally the past few weeks - at this point maybe even months. There has been a ton of change lately and it’s been difficult for me to adjust. A big part of the problem is how much I care of what people think of me. I want to continue to prove that I am good at my job, but when I do that I make my people who I think are my friends upset. 

I say I think these people are my friends because I simply don’t trust them. They all talk trash and although that all tell me I’m great and they love me, I just don’t believe it. The work place is toxic. I used to trust them until one person who I worked with closely basically told me they were upset that I was growing in my role and I didn't need them anymore I quote “became my own person”. Wouldn’t a real friend be happy for me? Wouldn’t a real friend not think selfishly about their friends success? 

To really put the cherry on top of adjustment disorder struggles at work - my days off changed. Because of my TA I was on the bottom of the bottom when it came to getting whatever days I wanted off during the week. I thought I had a chance to at least get a solid set of days but I was wrong. I got stuck with Tues/Wed off which, not to be dramatic, kind of ruins my life. I can't make it to movie premieres on Thursday without trying to alter my schedule myself of call-out. All of my doctors appointments have been scheduled for Thurs/Fri already. It’s obnoxious of me to ask my boyfriend to consistently work around my schedule instead, I can’t hang out with my friends, and my sister isn’t going to understand the boundaries of us having different days off. I had an emotional breakdown over it, and the next day I was asked to accept a status position. If I was asked only a few weeks earlier, I would’ve got the days I wanted off and avoided all of my emotional mess. 

Accepting my defeat

Accepting that this bad luck is simply just bad luck

Accepting that this is all out of my control

I was able to find some positives. Erik has WFH days he needs to use that he offered to use for me when I need a full day of him. I only have 2 “closing” shifts with this new schedule that still allows me to plan dinner with him and my other friends. Ali and I have Tuesdays off together so I can plan to really hang out with her more - she's a true friend. Having opposite days off than my sister will allow me to set boundaries at home easier - I may be able to slowly get her used to not being so dependent on me. I still have to find a way for her to be comfortable with me being with Erik so I can be honest with her and tell her that we want to move in together without her immediately feeling abandoned. The other positive about my new days off will be that I will rarely see my “work friends”. At first I was worried about not seeing them, because I wanted them to like and me and I wanted to be a part of their “group” - but since being around them I’ve noticed my mental health has not been at it’s best. I kept striving to make them happy rather than myself. I might be able to get scheduled for EA shifts with my new days off too!

The importance of a work/life balance is much more than a good schedule and good days off.

I’m going to therapy and I’ll be sure to address all of this with my therapist. 

[izzysarchivedblogs]

CLINT BRACES HIMSELF FOR FLUNG EGGS.

Relieved when it doesn't happen and Brandy is instead smooshing them into even tinier pieces. It makes his heart skip and ache all at once, wondering it was too late for him and than remembering a loss that in the grand scheme was short, meant little, and was so long ago.

He watches for a moment, just watching as Tony feeds her and he doesn't think this would actually be their future; but there was at least something to hold on hope for, something he could work towards. Get better, for himself and for his relationships, and for that chance to have a future with Tony; to do the whole thing proper. DATE.

It's why he's going to push himself more, start kicking his own ass into gear and he figures after whatever lengthy legalese he was going to get into with Murdock; it'd be a good chance to test that. Take a walk, just be on his own like he normally would be. Get himself back to the Brownstone when he felt like it, and just not give into whatever he may feel later, or to the bars he'd pass and places he'd be.

❝ I think I've been doing enough asking for help, Tony... ❞ Clint points out, that he has in fact been asking for help when he needs it. For the most part, not every moment or time; and he was struggling with thoughts of overburdening Tony. DON'T OVER DO IT.

Clint smile into the coffee passed off to him, could have made it himself but there's this habit that's been adopted of waiting for Tony to make it, simply to share in his first coffee of the day and relief that came from bitter caffeine.

SPEAKING OF EXERCISE.

❝ Physical therapy will be Monday, Wednesday, Fridays from next week and on. ❞ So that left him Tuesday or Thursday for therapy, unless he needed to double book a day. ❝ You said this place for meetings doesn't do Sundays; I, uh, won't either. One night. I could get through one night off. Day off. ❞

Giving Tony the idea of this schedule that Clint's worked out, trying to commit to for the sake of his recovery. ❝ Next therapy is not until Thursday, so tomorrow or Tuesday we could go to thee zee. Or both. ❞ That usually leaves him with room on any day for something, based on when appointments were, and than Saturdays and Sundays open. ❝ It's most normal sounding schedule. A superhero's nightmare, right? ❞ He laughs.

Attention turned to Brandy, ❝ What do you think we'd see at a zoo, Brandy? I've never been to a zoo. ❞

Tony makes a couple of coffees and brings them to the table. He takes a seat and picks up his fork. Brandy has picked up a handful of the eggs and is squishing them in her hand. "That goes in your mouth, silly," Tony said, reaching over and spooning some into her mouth.

He starts eating himself and looks over at Clint. "Yeah. Okay. Don't overdo it just because you're trying to be independent though. I'll come get you if you need to."

He knows he won't need to. The city had one of the better subways systems in the world. If Clint's leg was hurting he could grab a cab or get on a train. He wasn't useless. But he just wanted to make sure Clint knew Tony wasn't feeling overburdened.

Though it is good that Clint wants to get out and be more dependent. They both need that. He needs to get to the point he can live back by himself so they can actually start dating. He wanted to date Clint. he wanted to take Clint out. He wanted to make him dress up and show him off. He wanted to dance with him. He wanted to take him on short vacations around the world. But not just that, he wanted to do the things Clint wanted to do. The camping and the dog walking and the hanging out on the boat fishing. They couldn't rush to that point, but those baby steps needed to be taken to get there.

"Speaking of exercising your leg though, the next day you have free I thought we could take Brandy to the zoo. I was looking them up, and the Bronx one is big but you can hire those electric scooters. But you know, the Central Park one is small. I think you'd be able to walk that one with no problem."