#therapy has been helping me put a lot into perspective lately

[zirkkun]

hello i've briefly returned from my long hiatus

i'm. working on stuff? if you noticed i unfollowed you it's because i'm massively narrowing down the stuff on my feed. it doesn't mean i have anything against you! im just trying to keep my social media feeds more curated. i've gotten a massive spike of anxiety even thinking about going anywhere online other than a couple of my friends' dm's and tiny servers on discord lately. but i want to be able to share my work. being able to share my work and allow my thoughts to impact other people is what gives me the greatest joy... i've just been so scared to share anything really because i gained such a panic that anything i would say would open the floodgates for harassment of any kind, no matter what i said or even what i didn't say. i've not been directly hurt by this, it's mostly just an unending fear of imagining the worst possible outcome. but i know a lot of people who have, some of which are my closest friends, and the internet isn't... as fun as it used to be.

it's taken me ages to even want to make this post at all. it's arguably the last time i will be bluntly honest about my feelings directly for the foreseeable future, because i no longer feel safe doing so with anyone other than a couple few close friends. i'm not saying this to point any fingers or try and say others are the problem, i'm simply stating my feelings to explain why i've taken the actions i have. i'm gonna be making a lot of changes to how i post things and reorganizing stuff around so it will hopefully be a lot easier for me in the future to be less frightened to even open any social media page, and in turn, i'll still be able to share my works with people who adore seeing them or who may even need to see them, depending on the content. but if i become more closed off to messages and asks and stuff, well, I apologize, but i'm not in the mental headspace to handle it right now.

i appreciate everyone who has stuck around here despite my absence. the amount of people still following me even though i've barely posted anything in ages is... astounding to me. thank you. whether or not it was intentional hoping i would come back or you simply forgot you followed me ages ago, thank you.

hopefully this change ends up being for the better for everyone.

[honeyhotteoks]

oh chai, we'd love to hear your thoughts on unpacking trauma and sexual exploring through fiction!

i feel like it's such a deep topic to explore and talk about!

✨anon

okay i’m putting on my social sciences/literature hat on for this one, but it’s also about to get a little personal in here, so i’m throwing my reply under the cut :)

cw for discussions around trauma, grief, SA, violence, child SA, taboo kinks etc.

this is most certainly going to get a little rambly, but i have a lot of thoughts about this and personal experiences to bring to the table. i’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because i was recently watching a conversation in a discord server dig into more niche kinks in a way that was using so much problematic and shameful language i was really disappointed. this is also a huge reason why i am a big proponent of tagging fics accurately, and spills over into all the big thoughts i have about the romance genre and dark romance in particular.

i’ll start from a personal perspective so everyone understands my reference points. without getting into too much detail, i have a lot of childhood trauma around emotional and physical abuse / neglect that i’ve been unpacking in therapy for a long time, but writing has also been a place for me to work through many of those issues. i’ve also personally experienced sexual harassment and attempted assault, and as many of you probably already know, i experienced the sudden loss of my father several years ago. writing has always been, and will probably always be, the place where i work through those complex thoughts. in aurora the reader’s mother suddenly passed away and was dealing with an alcoholic father, and i was writing that at the same time i was dealing with the sudden traumatic loss of my father and my mother’s battle with alcoholism. it was beyond cathartic for me to write through that experience, especially in a way where my alternative “self” in reader was being cared for, listened to, validated, and held through that grief. while it wasn’t intentional at the time, i didn’t set out to write that to make myself feel better, when i read it now i realize how much i was trying to process at that time and how helpful it was. the same can be said for TNT, the attempted claim scene in retrospect really was my attempt at processing something very personal and almost ‘re-writing’ it with yunho and mingi as protective heroes, something i did not have at the time.

that is all to say, romance as a genre has used particular tropes, kinks, or taboos forever and i think it is a really reductive reading of that genre to assume women are just writing and reading things because they think it’s ‘hot’ or ‘sexy’ or whatever. i’ve been reading hurt/comfort and SA recovery fics and novels in the romance space forever, it’s honestly a personal favorite of mine. while i know some people hate that trope, i would argue that through fiction people who have suffered a trauma might be able to safely expose themselves to those ideas / triggers and find comfort in storylines that don’t turn out as painful and awful as the real world. in the real world victims of SA for example often do not get justice, they may have many re-traumatizing experiences, and they may struggle to get the help that they need or to find a partner who is understanding and supportive. fiction is an opportunity to explore the alternative. what if the worst thing in the world could happen to you (or did happen to you) but instead of the system failing you etc., what if someone had been there to emotionally and physically support you in the ways you wanted and needed?

that is one way of exploring those concepts, but another is through kink. i’m specifically thinking about CNC for this example, and i know that some people find that kink not only triggering but distasteful, but there are many people who have experienced a traumatic incident where they were out of control that a properly organized cnc scene can help them feel fully in control, because they are. for some, cnc is a kink that makes no sense and seems no different than a ‘rape fetish’, but for many it is a way to safely process trauma or fears while always having the control to say when too much is too much.

as a note, i’d extend this further to other concepts, kinks, or taboos as well. i’m not saying everyone should be comfortable reading or engaging with kinks like ddlg, age play, incest kinks, etc. etc., but this can be a safe way to unpack trauma for some. specifically for something like ddlg, the safety of a dominant caring for their partner as they play in a child-like headspace can be incredibly healing for some. it’s not something i personally understand or have experience with, but i have spoken to those in kink spaces who feel this very intrinsically and are in deeply healthy relationships with this as a dynamic. from a writing perspective, these kinks can be explored safely within the bounds of fiction and comfort characters in ways that can be very healing and very safe.

now, this isn’t to say everyone writing dark concepts has had a trauma that they are working through, but it certainly is my personal experience and in talking with a lot of different writers and readers, this is a common thread. the safety of fiction, particularly in the romance genre, allows spaces for people, particularly women, to rework and process concepts of trauma, safety, and security. i particularly emphasize the concept of a ‘safe man’ here. i don’t know a woman alive who hasn’t had a traumatic or distasteful experience with a man, misogyny is rampant…. but many of us still love men, want relationships with men, and want to feel safe and validated by men. there are lots of good guys out there to be sure, but fiction is a great way of exploring something traumatic or scary with the knowledge that the character will be saved/safe/cared for/healed by a man, something many women might want in a partner.

one disclaimer i do have though on the dark romance genre as a whole - while i understand that a bully romance or very serious enemies to lovers romance (i.e. a villain who is actually abusing the FMC) can also function in the same ways, to unpack trauma, i do read this genre with a lot of caution and i think we need to be careful in the ways that we talk about these romances. again, this is not to shame anyone’s preferences whatsoever, but i do think we need to be careful about how we discuss certain dark romance concepts. i personally will not read and will never write work that features a relationship where the male romantic lead starts off as a physical or emotional abuser, for me this is too triggering and offers too many gray areas for young readers to misinterpret healthy relationships vs. kink exploration and fantasy. It’s totally fine if this is how you as a reader explore and unpack trauma, or even just what you find hot outside of that, but I personally think we need to be careful hyping these books up etc. HOWEVER - dead dove content has existed for a very long time, and everything i’ve said about unpacking and reworking trauma through fiction applies here, it’s purely a personal preference that i limit this content for myself.

lastly, on the note of sexuality and sexual exploration - fanfiction has been a space for people to safely explore this too. to be more than exceptionally clear, sexuality is not a “kink”, has nothing to do with “taboos” or trauma or anything i’ve spoken about thus far. but in the same way that fiction, particularly fanfiction, is a place to explore the interior, this applies to sexuality. In fiction, you can explore same sex relationships, het relationships, cis, trans, and nonbinary experiences alike, to say nothing of polyamory. Outside of just sexual acts and bodies, it’s a place to explore romantic attachments of all different kinds. As a bisexual woman who grew up in a very conservative, very christian household, fanfiction was a place for me to explore the idea of f/f relationships, m/m relationships, and all kinds of combinations in between. In fiction, these relationships can be explored without the threat of ostracism or physical violence, something many people in the lgbtqia+ community know too well. whether reading or writing, it’s a way to explore those internal thoughts, impulses, and interests safely and often in stories that have a happy ending to look forward to.

hopefully that makes sense if you’re still here - and feel free to ask any questions you may have! :)

[cosmicwindmillcomplex]

Do you have any advice for people who are about to start EMDR?

actually yes! And I’m so glad you asked because idk if I ever would’ve thought about making it into a post! apologies for the late response but wanted to give it a lot of thought! I’ve been doing EMDR on and off for about 3.5 years now with my therapist, as a disclaimer: I am not an expert so this would be my advice based on my personal experience with and knowledge of EMDR.

1. Make sure you trust your therapist or whoever the professional who will be guiding you through the experience is; also make sure that they are qualified with EMDR experience. They should not offer the option if they have no experience with it.

2. Make sure you are in a relatively stable enough place to go through it. Don’t lie just because you want to do it. it’s a very intense psychological experience and can be draining so just be somewhat prepared and don’t be surprised if you feel kinda worn out the rest of the day after the session. There have been times I have taken breaks from EMDR when other issues of life became problematic and as a result I was less stable. It’s not something you want to force when you’re not stable enough, for safety reasons. For me it was difficult to admit I wasn’t stable enough as I wanted to just “push through” thinking it’ll automatically heal me, but it doesn’t quite work that way.

3. My sister is also a licensed therapist and gave me this metaphor when I was struggling with EMDR, it has shifted my perspective and helped me a lot. Think of EMDR as riding a train through your subconscious/inner world (however you like to think of it). In between the bilateral stimulation parts your therapist will usually ask something such as “what are you noticing”. This is when you peek out the train window or poke your head out and see where the train has stopped. but you stay on the train and then repeat the process at the next stop. Do your very best to observe and not be “sucked in” to whatever you are noticing. What you notice could be an image your brain gives you, it could be a memory, or a physical sensation of some kind as well. It’s kind cool like your brain is communicating with you!

4. EMDR does require bringing up and having to somewhat relive your trauma in the controlled environment, which is why you want to make sure you trust your therapist and have any grounding items nearby or with you. If you go in person and drive yourself, don’t feel the need to drive away immediately. It’s okay to sit for a while until you’re ready. If you do telehealth maybe keep some grounding items near you and always be in a room/environment where you feel really safe. Allow time afterwards for some self care and taking it easy.

5. My therapist describes it as a process to try and close the trauma loop in a way that the memories don’t impact you quite as badly. Some have equated it to “exposure therapy but make it trauma”, although it’s kinda right, it’s more complex than that. Often things that come up repeatedly can be clues, like a branch of a tree, and through sessions you may find the roots deeper down. There may be root memories you’re not aware of and through EMDR you may eventually find those roots when you’re ready.

6. Be patient!!! You don’t want to overthink or over analyze it too much outside of therapy. It’s okay and natural to think of it but don’t try too hard to investigate, give your brain time and it will probably make sense later down the road when you are ready. I usually will write down something if it comes up and then try to put it out of my mind until next session. Don’t push yourself or judge too hard. It is a lot to go through and very heavy, it makes sense to feel frustrated or discouraged but you will make progress in your own time. Don’t be afraid to use a stop signal if you feel overwhelmed, you don’t always have to keep going!

7. Be honest! Do your very best to not worry about being judged or anything like that. Let your brain go where it needs to go without judgment or trying to control it. Don’t lie or try to force your session to to a certain way, all it will do is slow your progress! (Not trying to call anyone a liar intentionally, but sometimes we would try to direct or deflect certain things in session due to feeling like we needed more progress faster and fears/anxieties/doubts, as an impulse reaction almost, in this case we think about it for a while and journal on it until we have the words to talk it out and explain more in another session later on. “Lying” in this context can also just simply be telling your therapist you’re okay when you know that you are not.)

I hope this helps and makes some kind of sense! Wishing you lots of love and comfort as you start your journey with EMDR ❤️‍🩹

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

Not business related. Kind of sad. Just processing.

M told me he feels like we’re in a rut. More than sexually. And I feel angry. Angry because before we started dating, I was really clear that I felt like I was asexual. He said it was fine, that he didn’t like being touched anyway and mostly enjoyed servicing his partner so it wouldn’t be an issue.

Years later he admitted he was relieved that I wasn’t totally asexual because he really enjoys sex. And that made me upset because like…I was so so clear about all this.

I did start enjoying it for a time and now I’m back to apathy. I just find so many other things more enjoyable. And I go through times of trying harder for him and not trying at all because I forget that sex is even a thing.

I don’t hate it and everything we do is consensual and fun and I don’t feel pressured, but now I know he is very unhappy.

And I think that dissatisfaction is bleeding into the rest of our relationship. He said he feels like we’re an old married couple, that things feel routine and boring. And…that’s what I enjoy about us. I know most nights after he’s home from work, we will watch a couple episodes of Greys Anatomy or a cop show. I’ll cook or we’ll order in and we’ll smoke/have a drink and laugh together.

I’ve felt so happy and secure and feel blindsided that he hasn’t been feeling the same.

I am glad that he has spoken up now instead of becoming even more unhappy, but I’m scared. And I’m defensive. And I want to just shut off all my emotions and just end things with him. I’ve been in a marriage already where I had to force myself sexually beyond what I wanted. That’s different tho because it was abuse and I was being forced. I feel like this now would be a slow fizzle out until he cant take it anymore and that it’ll end in chaos and fire and really hurt feelings.

Being honest with myself, I don’t enjoy sex and going out of my way for it. And I can do better for M and set reminders and keep track of how long it’s been before it goes too long, but then it becomes a chore. And is that worth it? It seems silly to throw out everything else good that we have…but apparently there hasn’t been good lately in his perspective. 

If it’s going to end, I’d rather it end now. And I told him that and he said that’s not what he wants. I just don’t want things to drag out.

It’s funny because I was just talking in therapy about how I think I’ll always have one foot out the door just in case, an escape plan ready. Because I absolutely refuse to be hurt like how I was with my last marriage. To where it completely crumbled me. I didn’t even want to be alive.

This time, I know I’ll be fine. But feeling like this, having my defenses up, won’t help fix this. But I’m scared. I know the easier way out. But if I put in all this work for it to end, it’s going to hurt more.

And I’m worried we are just different people now. We’ve both had a lot of emotional healing and growth since 2019. And I know he is a new person and I am a new person. And maybe we don’t belong together anymore.

And for another post for another time…maybe marriage really is a lie. It’s crazy to believe that one person will always be for you when we’re constantly changing and growing and healing.

[loveshotzz]

Hi Leighanne, I hope everything's going well with you😊

Okay so, this might be a little bit random but I've been following all of your updates, especially the few you made regarding your personal life and honestly, I felt so seen. For the past year I was in a very low place up until the end of July and seeing your posts about giving dating a try again and not wanting to let the rest of your 30's slip by hit me like a freight train. I too haven't dated in a very very long time (ten years. Yikes) because it terrifies me. Seriously, I feel physically sick just swiping on the apps. And while I really do want to find someone, I realized how much I need to work on myself first. I remembered a post you made where you talked briefly about starting a new diet and workout routine, feeling a little overwhelmed about it but also being happier than you’ve been in a long time because of all those changes. It made me start to look at things from a different perspective and it made a huge difference for me. I made a lot of mistakes in my life especially during my time in College and when I began working. I spent too much energy trying to fix those fuck ups. I basically ignored everything else. Didn’t have a social life, didn’t have many hobbies, didn’t take care of myself as well as I should have and I didn’t bother with looking for a potential partner either. While I did end up graduating with a degree and find work in a field I really like, I pretty much ignored every other aspect of my life to get to that point and looking back, I feel like I’ve been leading a very empty life. And it only hurts more when at this age (I’m nearly 30) most of my friends had already travelled, settled down, got married and had kids. Same with most of my mutuals. I feel so much like a late bloomer and I still have trouble trying to make peace with knowing I’ve let my 20’s pass me by like this. I hold a lot of anger towards myself for not realizing it sooner.

So, when I saw your posts about feeling the same way I instantly connected with it. I loved following your updates and reading about your progress. It inspired me to finally start my own workout routine and it surprised me to realize how much I enjoy working out like this. I’ve been going out more with my friends too and I try to write whenever I can because it makes me happy. Giving therapy a go too.  I’m not quite ready to give dating a go just yet but I hope I’ll be as brave as you sometime soon and be able to put myself out there and connect with someone nice. Seriously, you might not have thought all that much about those posts but reading them made me feel optimistic and eager to follow your example. Thank you so much!💞💞💞

This ask actually made me tear up, thank you so much for sending this and also sharing your journey and how it’s helping you too 🥹♥️. It’s overwhelming when you make a lifestyle change but for me the pay off has been worth it ten times over. I’m so happy you’re going to therapy, it truly changed my life and how I moved around in the world. I’m wishing you all the health and happiness, and don’t stress about guys and dating, they’ll be there whenever you’re ready.

[clunelover]

Agh I had a bad phone call with my dad. So background is - my sister from NC was here for thanksgiving with her GF. She got in Thursday morning and left early Sunday morning. We had thanksgiving of course, and then Friday I had been planning to go out on the town with her and my other sister and their SOs. But everyone got too drunk on thanksgiving and we were tired and mutually agreed not to go out. But I did still see her Friday, just more low key dinner and arts and crafts at my stepmom’s house. Then Saturday I was supposed to go to a comedy show with her and her gf - but that was the day I just kept feeling shittier and shittier, and then tested myself for covid, and sure enough positive.

A few days ago he said he’d like to go to coffee with me, his treat (🚨🚨🚨). I said I was still recovering from covid and wouldn’t be up to it. He said let’s talk on the phone. My assumption was that I was in for some kind of lecture, and of course I was! It basically went like:

Dad: “I wanted to reach out to you, cause I’m disappointed that you didn’t get a chance to connect with [sister] while she was here. And [sister] and [stepmom] both told me that you’ve been suffering from a lot of anxiety. And you know, when I was your age, I was scared of the world—”

At which point I just started saying “Stop. Stop. This is not helping. Do you understand that the reason I didn’t see her on her last night is because I had covid? Which I am still recovering from?”

And he said “oh, Meredith…I know” but in this patronizing tone like he thought I was making it up.

I said “Does that not count?”

And he said “well, one doesn’t rule out the other” (ie having covid doesn’t mean I’m not ruled by anxiety).

So then I said “Yes, I do have anxiety. But I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have supports in place. I don’t need you to tell me how to deal with my anxiety.”

And he said “All I said was that I wanted to reach out to you. So, I’m sorry I did.” And then he quickly got off the phone.

—

I was furious and so sad - but also proud of myself for stopping him before I could hear the lecture. Also by the way, he is always so hurt that I don’t want to see him much or talk to him on the phone - ahem, this is why! I cannot trust that he’s not going to do something like this. Or be high (actually, credit where credit is due, I landed into him once for calling me high on weed and he never did again that I know of - but the point is I just still can’t trust him).

—

So I texted him this:

Dad, I’m sorry I got reactive. I do suffer from anxiety, among other things. And I appreciate your concern. I know you want me to be happy and healthy. But I don’t think you understand that when you start off with “you know, when I was your age, I was scared of the world” - it really seems like you were gearing up to give me a big lecture about all the things you’ve learned, that you can teach me. I would love to be supported by you, as a dad - but you often come at it from a perspective that’s more professorial, like you’re an expert on all things mental health and recovery and you’re going to lecture me into being better.

But, from my perspective - I am a very successful person, with a great family, who has excelled in my hobby of writing and been achieving more in that area lately, and who also suffers from several mental illnesses. This is my struggle, and it will be a lifelong one with ups and downs. And I do think I’ve done a pretty good job of putting the supports in place in my life to deal with this! I am not scared of the world. I also want to gently say that one thing I’ve worked on in therapy, is this pervasive feeling that someone is always mad at me. And that is a feeling I got from childhood - from mom, but also from you. Just now you reinforced this idea, that you are observing my behavior and disapproving and gearing up to lecture or yell at me. This is how I felt growing up, so admittedly it’s a trigger.

I could use your support in the form of, I don’t know, just being there for me - listening if I want to talk, but otherwise trusting that I don’t want to get most of my mental health support from my parents. And not lecturing me. Even if it’s coming from a really well intentioned place, I don’t think it’s ever going to land with me. Does that make sense?

—

He just replied with a few brief words of apology, but the more I think of it, the angrier I am.

I’m like, okay I’m sitting here with a masters degree, a great career, a really nice house, a loving husband, a couple of smart, sweet, and fairly well raised kids, a few close friends and a couple passions and hobbies - but he makes me feel like I’m not living right somehow. I have struggles, big ones, but I must be doing something right!

I think part of it must be jealousy - like, he’s a thrice-divorced, recovering alcoholic and drug addict with PTSD, who has a PhD and was a professor and expert witness, but has been unemployed due to physical disability but also those other issues, for quite some time, and now lives in a studio apartment and drives Uber. I’m sure it’s hard for him to see me having some similar mental health issues but be more stable and successful. When I moved into this much larger house I think all he said was “won’t it be hard for you to keep this place clean?” But it sucks that he doesn’t process that, and instead gives in to this urge to feel better by taking me down a peg. And that it still works on me! He makes me feel like I’m a bad kid who did something wrong!

[fuwa-kuma]

An Unprompted Review of Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon

I absolutely love this book overall. It's such an interesting read and I'd definitely recommend it (I haven't watched the movie for it yet, so I don't have much to say there).

❗️ spoilers (and disorganized thoughts) below ❗️

Firstly, I will say that this book has made me a fan of Nicola Yoon's. I acknowledge that I'm super late to the party, but I am so glad to be here.

Now, let's get into it. One thing that I love about this book is not just the story itself, but how it's written. It's almost like reading a diary (which was an intentional and appreciated touch) and really puts into perspective how much time Madeline spends with herself. She jots down schedules of strangers (and soon-to-be lovers) that she observes, she writes short book reviews, there are chat logs between her and Ollie, and things of that nature. It does a good job of having the reader feel engaged in her story and also gives more insight on what's happening. This style of writing also inspires me to experiment with adding illustrations and random thoughts within my own work. One thing that I don't love about this book is the pacing at a certain point. Everything is going pretty well up until we find out Madeline's mom had been making everything up. It just feels like everything happened really fast. The story blew past the fact that her mother had been lying to herself to cope with losing her husband and child. There was a lot to unpack there and all we got is that she went to therapy. I would have loved to see more exploration of what her mom has been going through. I would have also loved to see more conversation between Madeline and her mother about this. Also, the doctor that Madeline saw while in Hawaii very quickly realized that she did not have SCID. Why didn't Carla, the nurse who has been helping care for Madeline for as long as she can remember, notice this? In the book, I remember her saying something about how she "had suspicions" but there had to have been more than just suspicion, right? I guess I can't blame her too much since she probably just wants to provide for her own family but I dunno. Unless this was addressed and I just don't remember lol.

Conclusion:

I'd give this book a 4/5. I really loved it. Other than those issues above, I only have good things to say about this book. Well done, Mrs. Yoon!

[mama-qwerty]

Hello! Here are some questions I'm asking fanfic writers for fun and for you to answer if you feel like it!!! :DD:

1. What is your favourite fic you have written and why? (This can be something you haven't published yet or a general story idea)

2. How long have you been writing fics for? (In general regardless of fandoms)

3. Best friend you have met through the Sonic fandom?

4. Another writer in the fandom who's work you admire?

5. Favourite Sonic oc you have made and why? (If you haven't made any then skip this one)

6. Your favourite (or favourites if it's hard to pick) fanfiction you've read?

7. Which fic have you written which has the most sentimental value or story behind it?

8. Favourite Sonic character?

If I have sent you this, love your work!!! Hope you have a good day and thank u for your contribution to the fandom!!!

So sorry it's taken me this long to respond! I read it on my phone, which removed the notification, and promptly forgot about it. Outta sight, outta mind.

Favorite fic I've written

This is a really hard one, because I like different ones for different reasons. Sheriff Prower was probably the one I had the most fun writing, although Forced Perspective was interesting because the writing style was so different. I'm enjoying my Knuckles au Lost and Found, mostly because I love Knux and putting him with Callie is a lot of fun.

It's hard to choose just one!

2. How long have I been writing fanfics

This is really gonna date me. I started writing fanfiction waaaaay back in the late 90s, I'm thinking about '97 or '98 or so, for Hey, Arnold! Back then there was a site specifically for HA! fanfics, although I forget the name of it. It's been a looooong time.

I reposted those fics on my FFnet account in Jan of 2006. So . . . I technically started writing fanfics about 25-ish years ago. (Although there were periods I fell out of fandoms and went through some deep, deep depressive states and didn't write at all.) But I wrote some for Hey, Arnold!, Fairly OddParents, My Little Pony Friendship is Magic, before Sonic.

3. Best friend in the Sonic fandom

I have a super hard time making friends, I'm so socially awkward it's really hard for me. But the two who've been right there for me are @stillafanofsonic and @doomfox. Love you both! ~kisses~

(I'm also of the "I don't want to bother anyone" mindset so I rarely initiate first contact, but if anyone out there wants to chat, hit me up!)

4. Other writers I admire

Gah, there are so many. @stillafanofsonic, @doomfox, @skimmingthesurfaces, @chaoxfix, @appendingfic, @mcfanely, and a bunch others I can't think of right now because my brain's fizzling out. So many talented writers in this fandom.

5. Fave Sonic OC of mine

This one's a no-brainer. My only oc, Callie MacPherson. Yes, she's a bit of a self-insert, but honestly, I created her to be a contrast to the "perfect mother" the fandom has turned Maddie into. (And I admit, I'm just as guilty of that.)

Cal is flawed--she's sarcastic as hell, impatient, gets frustrated, has a bit of a temper, doesn't like to talk about her feelings, stubborn as a mule, and can sometimes act before really thinking things through. She helps others with their problems so she doesn't have to think about her own.

6. Fave fanfiction I've read

It is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE for me to pick just one. There are so, so many. Any by the writers I named above are great stories.

7. Most sentimental fic I've written

That would definitely have to be An End and a Beginning, dealing with pet death. Over the last few years we'd lost a number of cats, all of which we'd had since they were babies. I was missing them like crazy and decided to put that into a story. Writing is cheaper than therapy.

8. Fave Sonic character

Knuckles. Followed by Eclipse, Silver, and Shadow.

Thanks for the ask, Anon! I'm glad you like my stuff and hope you enjoy your day!

[nordictwin]

I couldn't find it, but that post about how knitting and making something makes things feel a little less bleak?

I get it now.

My life's been really stressed and messy lately, with a snap decision to start studying again, insecurities about income and job-hunting, as well as a ton of background family issues. 2023 has just been all-around rough on me, and I know I haven't been dealing well with it. (Starting the process of finally getting some therapy, though, which is an entirely different story for another day).

Point is, it's been rough. But then, on a whim, I decided to finally start doing this embroidery kit, which I've had sitting around for ages. I haven't done any sort of embroidery since one obligatory thing in middle school, but I threw myself at it anyways. And all of a sudden it's like... things just feel a little less bleak. Yeah, I'm still feeling stressed about life in general. I've been job-hunting for 3 years with no luck, my motivation for writing is down the drain, and I'm just so tired all the time.

But now I've started doing this little bird, and it's like... I made that. I am making this. I got out the yarn, threaded a needle, and all of a sudden there's a row of little triangles, which I know I'll eventually add more triangles to, and I made that. I can touch it, feel it, and I know I did that with my own two hands. And at the end, I'll have a nice picture, which I'll put in a frame and hang on my wall.

It's just putting some things into perspective for me. A lot of my hobbies have been screen-based for so long, but... I'm starting to understand why this is so helpful and relaxing.

If anyone's interested, I'll post more progress images periodically.

[cnlalimna]

January 31, 2025

I wont lie, its been a hot minute since I have posted on here. A lot has happened, I have changed a lot as a person both physically and mentally. I finally started to go to therapy, I have since stopped BUT it did help a lot and it lead to me getting the medication I needed to help myself. I have struggled, so so so so much in the two years that I haven't updated. I have also had so so so so many new experiences and memories that I wouldn't have changed for the world.

I gave up on this page because it was a culmination of all my emotions, all the memories and feelings I couldn't contain within myself and poured out in writing. It had started to become a place I talked about how bad my life was, a place a great negativity and how my life was surrounded by nothing but a bleak future and sadness with nothing to be happy for. Rereading what I had wrote the day prior would remind me of how I was miserable just living, it would send me in a worse and worse spiral to the point where I became dangerously suicidal. Now nearly two years later, life is hard still, but for a far sweeter reasoning than my own existence.

I have three best friends :) Symantha O., Jordan Y., Selene H. Last post i said Sym and i became besties, not surprisingly we still are, ultra mega best friends.

Because of a falling out with a certain person and a recent secret exposed, Sym and Jordan had become probably the strongest anchor in my life and helped change me so much for the better. We called damn near every night, oftentimes falling asleep together. One of the reasons I hated being home for break so much is that I always felt lonely, no one truly understood me. Although this is still true, I also used to sabotage myself willingly and not putting in an effort to have this relationship. By the time summer was about to begin, I had already started opening up to the idea that "hey, someone actually does genuinely care, and will constantly show you so you don't have to guess." So I put in the effort that summer, and like magic I never felt deathly alone again. And you could tell they cared about me enough to put in the effort because:

YUPPPPPP I KNOW THATS RIGHHHHHHHHHHT 🕺 Not only did these sons of bitches put in the effort, they put in 110%. As someone who has severe trust issues, seeing them do that FOR ME was probably the most sweetest, genuine act of love, I had ever felt up to that point in my life. I could probably write five paragraphs about this week alone, but to sum it up; Disneyland, Golf, Baseball, DTLA. Sym and I had spent to long staying up on discord calls that she had literally become my other half. Seeing her on this trip made me realize that somehow, the girl I thought I had NOTHING in common with, somehow understood my life and all my struggles like no one else even could. Jordan knows a lot about me, he knows me probably better than I do sometimes. We have gone through multiple stages in which we would talk every day to maybe once a month if I'm lucky. It fluctuated so often it drove me insane. That summer brought us closer in a lot of ways. He would always join Sym and I's discord calls so we would stay up so late talking about anything and everything. I also got my first xbox this summer so I was also getting close to them there. I would sometimes play with just Jordan if Sym was busy so obviously I would talk about anything and everything that had come into my head. Although I would say I relate and share more with Sym and she is my number one best friend in the world, I always had a deeper connection with Jordan in the way that we would often have these deep conversations and he would provide insights in perspectives I couldn't fathom believing. Saw me and knew me like no one I had known. Taught me a lot of new concepts that summer, and helped me through probably the worst situation in my adult life. I love these two individuals with every ounce of my soul. My ribs by lorde moments. My human proof that, yeah maybe I was difficult at times but could boil down to someone who isn't that hard to love. They are both the type of people who make life easier to live.

After that school came and went. Sym and I got a job at a boba shop, became friends with Selene and then we all left. Summer came along, we were all spending our summers living in Monterey. I worked at Pebble Beach Golf Links and lived there for three months. It was probably the most awarding thing I have done thus far in my life.

During that summer I became closer to Selene. We had met at our old boba job. I originally hated her ass, idk something about her energy pissed me off. I think it was because shes very similar to me, but in my eyes shes the "better" version. Once I got to know her though, all my jealousy went away, and she has become a huge influence in my life :).

Selene and I are very weirdly similar. We grew up middle school emos so that in itself is a whole experience I WISH I could replicate for others cause....its like you cant even begin to describe that era if I tried. She's down for my impulses, urges to go out and party, and just be dumb. i have known her for just about a year and honestly she has become one of my best friends. She lowkey kinda helped me embrace my inner emo and I really like the aesthetic and style change I have had since meeting her. I like having her around and having a support system that isn't sym or jordan. Not that I don't like or trust them, just sometimes I feel like I over exhaust them cause if I tell one, the other is most likely gonna find out soon, so I like that shes kinda my person apart from them.

Now if your name is Nayeli or Mia and you're reading this don't worry, I could never forget about you two. The reason I didn't include you two in this list is because honestly it's hard to put you two in a category in my eyes. I don't see you guys every day, I think now more than ever is the most we've "hung out" in the six years we've all been friends. Honestly, you two feel more than just my friends but different than just regular best friends. I love you guys though, genuinely. I wouldn't have been able to get through senior year without you two and honestly, you're the piece of home I keep so dearly close to my heart. I just wish our paths crossed more than they do currently.

So far that has been everything important. Other than like crash outs or other depressing topics, so much of my life has changed and honestly I'm really happy with what I have accomplished thus far. Right now I'm stuck in this awkward middle/transition phase. I don't have a job and its driving me crazy. I like that it upsets me though, I feel like that's a sign that I have this drive and passion about my future. It's something I'm so excited for. Having people like these by my side makes me even more excited for life. I have grown so much in ways I could've never imagined. The people in my life are worth every single hardship I ever went through. I know I'm not perfect, I have so much I could probably improve on, yet they continue to love every version of me, and I love every version of them. There is nothing I wouldn't do for anyone I named on this post. I'm eternally grateful that they love me, even if i make a mistake. For a large portion of my life I have wasted my youth wishing to be gone, not dead, just gone. I'm excited to see what comes my way now.

[nemobookaholic]

Trust the creator of the whale

I‘ve been reading a lot of theories about Good Omens lately. And mostly I can relate, even though most of them are a bit sad or depressing. Today I decided I’m done with that. I want something uplifting.

So there are some things I need to say. Probably more for myself than for anyone else. Yet, I have a feeling it might be important to share it on here. Even though I don’t think people will read it anyway, but who knows, it’s all about hope.

Hope is the main point to it, really. When you are serious about writing, you‘ll learn not to break the promise between the reader and the writer. And I know Mr. Gaiman knows this, because he’s the one I‘ve learned it from. So can we please agree to trust the creator of the whale with his ineffable plan? Because it’s not up to us to decide, nor is it our burden either. In fact we are really lucky not to. I can imagine it’s a lot of pressure to make it right and resolve the story. Trust him, he knows his craft and has the best people possible helping to succeed on this task.

Another thing you’ll learn in writing is, (and I’m sharing this, because it’s important to understand for everyone) that what you want is not always what you need.

I know how deeply we feel for those characters. And how much fun, or kind of a therapy it can be to theorise about them. But remember, it’s not for us to decide, not our whale. We might know what they want, but do we actually know what they need?

The thing is, that I‘ve read a lot of posts that have been guided by deep emotions, and there’s nothing wrong about it.

However, as a Sherlockian, I simply want to remind us to not theorise without data. Put the emotions aside for a moment and think logically.

Trust me, I know how tempting it is, when your inner Holmes is buzzing with excitement about all the clues. But does it help to poke on the whale? If it’s only for your own pleasure or sake. I thought about this and came to the conclusion that it’s, well, a selfish act. And if we look at it from the perspective of respect, we might should think about our words and the information we share very carefully. None of us wants to do harm to the things we love, of course not. See it from the perspective of the writer for a moment. If we run wild on it, we might do harm, even if we didn’t intend to. I’m not saying that everyone should stop. I’m very aware that it’s what a fandom is living from. But think about your actions.

I guess the reason why I had to write this article is, that I read a post about Crowley and that there’s no point in being. A heavy topic and I can relate in a way. Yet I must disagree, there is a point.

Actually I‘ve been rewatching Good Omens 2 and been laughing about all the silly stuff still. So I thought how it could be, that all this gets overshadowed by 15 minutes at the end. Sure, it’s a punch into the gut, but it shows, how much we focus on the negative stuff. Even though the overall picture is lovingly splendid most of the time.

We easily forget, that it is our choice, what we want to get out of life. The answer usually is as simple as that. Which doesn’t mean that it’s comfortable to achieve. Might be even the hardest thing you’ll ever do.

The responsibility is what makes it so hard. Once you accept, that your life is within your own responsibility, as your actions are, there aren’t any excuses. There’s nobody else to blame.

It is your choice, that’s the whole point.

The positive side, however, you get a whole life to shape to your liking. With all the glorious mistakes to learn from and a million, exciting adventures. And that is, what hope is made of in my opinion. We can all use a little bit of hope.

So, create your own goddamn whale, or if you’re like me, weave a carpet, it is up to you, really.

[arandombiped]

I gotchu fam

topic: adhd (from someone with a late diagnosis)

adhd (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder) is a type of neurological development that causes a person difficulty regulating their executive functions like attention, emotional regulation, motivation, and self-regulation.

There are three main ways that adhd can present:

Hyperactive presentation- This is what people typically think of when they hear about adhd. An ADHDer with this presentation might be talking a lot, fidgeting, and feeling very restless. Some with this presentation may move around a lot, even if it’s not the most appropriate time to do so (in a meeting, in a class, etc). This presentation usually has a lot of external symptoms and expressions.

Inattentive presentation- The symptoms of adhd are more internalized, which makes things like organization, staying on task, and focusing on one thing very hard. It includes a lot of spacing out and getting lost in thought. This expression of adhd is more common in those socialized as girls, mostly because they were expected to act more “mature” at a much younger age, and more hyperactive symptoms were internalized or repressed. For me specifically (since this is how my adhd presents), it feels like my thoughts are more hyperactive than my body is, like i have a swarm of thoughts all happening at once. I fidget to get an outlet for my restless brain.

Combined- ADHDers with both hyperactive and inattentive presentation.

most adhders struggle with a lot of impulsivity because their brain defaults to doing whatever will give them the most dopamine NOW. The motivation/reward system in the brains of adhders doesn’t give as much serotonin (reward) for doing mundane tasks, so they often end up avoiding or putting off said tasks until it’s dire. Motivation is pretty much the same, where it takes a whole lot more energy to start a task than it does our neurotypical counterparts. Many have to find ways to trigger or jumpstart their motivation externally. I listen to music a lot while I do chores and homework because it tricks my brain into giving me enough dopamine to start. It’s not 100% certain that it will work, and some chores and assignments take way more energy than I even have in a given day.

many who struggle with starting tasks, even when they’re important, have experienced adhd paralysis. this happens when an ADHDer doesn’t have enough energy to start a task, but also knows they need to complete it, so they get stuck in a loop of “I can’t do this right now because I need rest” and “I cannot rest until Task Complete”

one of the things that I mentioned earlier was emotional regulation. This is something that can be really hard on an ADHDer because the frontal lobe (executive function center) is what regulates our thoughts, feelings and actions, but it develops more slowly in adhd brains. This often leads to a hard time with emotions, and explains the rate of mental health issues in those who have adhd (which is about 60-80%). I personally don’t have any diagnosed mental health issues, but I struggle a lot with anxiety and sadness because it feels so overwhelming in the moment.

A good way to combat this for me has been Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It taught me how to manage my own thoughts, refocus on a more realistic perspective by combating and addressing negative thoughts. The therapist I worked with taught me how to break down negative thoughts into a perspective I had of reality, for example, the thought “what if I never find someone who cares about me” finds its roots in a core belief, such as “I don’t deserve love.” From there, the root problem can be addressed. With enough practice, this process becomes automatic and can really help.

INFODUMP OVER

Can someone give me an ungodly amount of information on a random subject?

[wanderingwomanwondering]

Buck NEEDS Trauma Processing, Stat!

Because of Buck’s really surprising 516 discussion of his 218 leg injury and early s3 blood clots etc, the impact of the shooting and hostage situation on Buck have been on my mind A LOT lately. The floodgates are opening for him…wider than before apparently. We’ve known for a while that Buck needs to process the traumas he’s experienced but his graphic overshare with a patient on a rescue (combined with Eddie’s overwhelm & plea for Buck to stop!) really drove that point home for me.

I can’t stop thinking about Buck’s various reactions to Eddie being shot in 414. Buck was shook to his core! 

We only have 2 more eps left in s5 and we have still only gotten honorable mentions of the shooting, but no actual discussion of either of their specific feelings about it! Both men are still incredibly reticent to get into. There are a host of character and narrative reasons why I guess, but if the silence around it was loud at the start of s5 then it’s deafening now in the 11th hour!

Eddie’s run in with the well back in s3 affected Buck but the show didn’t really show us much of the impact beyond the episode in which it happened. The shooting was different. We have gotten tidbits of quiet reactions from Buck that I think are specifically related to the shooting (and of course is pinging things that came before and after).

In 502 when Eddie talks about the panic attacks, Buck suggests that it could be about the shooting and Eddie dismisses that. I couldn’t find the exact gif I wanted but Buck looked away like he needed to hide the fact that the shooting did indeed still affect him, even if Eddie claimed to be fine. It was like he was in a low-key version of “stow it away and save the next one” mode where Eddie was the next one in that case because of the panic attacks.

Then in 506 Buck is worried out of his mind about Eddie again. He spends the whole ambulance ride staring at Mitchell’s gun and then just waiting in the hospital for Eddie to make it out of the deadly situation alive. While he’s waiting he looked terrified most of the time but also like a man who was reminded of the shooting and his terror in that situation too. But he swallows it.

Eddie of course has a TON going on this season. I think Eddie is working his way up to talking about the shooting and hostage situation with Buck if Eddie’s conversation with Carla in 510 and his therapy session in 513 with Frank are any indication. Eddie’s going through a slow, measured, therapist-guided ascent from the depths of his pain. He’ll get to the shooting (and by extension the hostage situation) eventually I think but he’s not ready quite yet. There’s an order of operations and he’s working the problem. 

Buck seems different. He’s stowed it away. Maybe he’s avoiding the hard topic for his own sake, or waiting for Eddie to be ready to process it with him, or both. Either way, Buck does seem personally invested in pretending like he’s fine. I mean - the man did say sometimes “I hide my true feelings from others” at the start of s4. He was leveled by the shooting in ways I don’t think he can quite put into words yet. On top of that, it’s like if he can’t start the conversation in terms of Eddie’s well-being first and foremost (rather than his own) then it’s not worth bringing up. 

Buck mentioned the shooting in 514 but it was just a mention and expressly for the purpose of helping Eddie to see that he’d given Charlie a second chance. Even when Buck raised the issue of the shooting in a practical and focused way, he broke eye contact for a second and ducked his head way down in what seemed like intentionally non-threatening (and maybe guilty?) body language. It stood out to me because Buck is tall and takes up space but he seemed to be working hard not to in that moment. Like he wanted Eddie to know without a doubt that this wasn’t Buck’s time to feel his feelings about the shooting, but Eddie’s time to gain some healing perspective.

I would imagine that Buck still harbors feelings of fear, shame, and guilt over the shooting and then the hostage situation compounded that because he had to leave Eddie with Mitchell. I don’t think he feels like he’s allowed to be wrecked too over how afraid he was and how helpless he felt and over almost losing someone who means so damn much to him. 

Even in 516 when Buck was worried about Bobby after the dispatch ceiling collapse, later at the hospital, something about the way Buck looked at Eddie while everyone was talking about Bobby how luck Bobby was made me think that conversation was probably talking about both Bobby and Eddie being lucky to be alive! Like Buck was taking that moment to acknowledge/celebrate Bobby’s new lease on life and bask in Eddie’s too!

All the moments above where it looked like Buck was actively swallowing or hiding his feelings for Eddie’s sake, they all stood out for me because I think that pattern of Buck pretending with Eddie has to break this season, just like Eddie’s pattern had to break with Buck. 

I wonder if the Buck issue that some folks been predicted at the Henren vow renewal (thanks @stagefoureddiediaz​ & bts pics of white-shirt clad Buck!) will have something to do with Buck’s emotional dam breaking down and his trauma being forced to the surface! Perhaps a trigger event like cocktail sauce all over his perfect white shirt ?!?!?! Bonus points if Eddie causes this or sees this happen and has to whisk Buck away due to dissociation or a panic attack!

The last thing I want is for the Henren vow renewal to be highjacked by Buck’s feelings but I think there are some creative ways to have a moment where something happens with Buck and they have to at least broach the fact that there are unresolved shooting issues/feelings for Buck too, not just Eddie.

[alltheselights]

Lately I’ve thought about that maybe louis just kind of kept on his extremely curated public image from 1d, the mischevious party lad personality to protect his personal life..? Don’t get me wrong, a lot of what he says is visible and therefore true, e.g. the drinking, smoking, partying etc. But his performative working class personality is kinda pissing me off claiming hes never had therapy or prosecco, like PLEASE. It might be true, but it annoys me that he sounds so proud saying it, but he has been a millionare for over a decade? And I just had a thought that maybe he just puts on his Louis TomlinsonTM hat and goes on about his public life, like maybe he doesn’t want to talk or get asked about his family, therapy, rich lifestyle and so on, but it’s just so weird to me that he is so vocal about some laddy stuff

I think he’s really over-the-top about it at times and it does come across as unlikable and disingenuous - those quotes from the JoJo Wright interview in particular were really bad and though I haven’t reblogged them yet, the tags on them are all like “bro, stop with this shit.” And if that’s fans getting annoyed by his attitude, you can only imagine how the public will respond.

In my view, it’s not so much about guarding his personal life as it is just him thinking that it makes him more relatable and will help him to fit into the indie and alternative scene. I think the people he is surrounded with also don’t help because they seem to agree that he needs to be this laddy lad bro pal in order to sell himself and his music when that’s just not the case. Some of it is Louis, and some of it is the lack of creative thinking and diversity of his team. There’s a reason why nobody on his team has said a damn thing about the fact that his photoshoots and promo images all look the same, smoking and drinking are highlighted in almost every interview and tons of photos, and an album entitled Faith In The Future and even most of the music videos for the album present Louis as miserable or stoic despite the optimistic title. A talented marketing and communications professional would recognize that presenting Louis in such a one-dimensional way is not drawing people in and does not at all do justice to the truly incredible music that he’s made with this album. Yet Louis’ team says nothing because they’re almost all white men with the same perspective.

I have no doubt that there are kernels of truth in Louis’ laddy image - he likes to drink beer, he’d rather hang out at a pub than go to a fancy restaurant, he doesn’t enjoy a lot of the Hollywood lifestyle. Those things can all be true and he can still present himself as we know he is, which is as a very emotionally intelligent and genuinely sweet person. We see that in him day-to-day with how he interacts with people, and then you get him in certain interview contexts and suddenly he sounds like a bit of an asshole with a superiority complex because he doesn’t drink wine or like nice things.

The irony of Louis’ image is that he wants to convince you that he’s just 100% a lad and that what you see is what you get when that’s actually not true at all. He’s so much more complex than he presents himself a lot of the time, and you just have to ask certain questions or watch him interact with people to see the truth of who he is, which is as far from an asshole as someone could be.

The indie scene isn’t going to accept him no matter how many times he says he hates posh restaurants and doesn’t drink prosecco and is such a Donny boy, so he might as well try just being himself and making the music he wants to make without the over-the-top attempts to show a one-dimensional image.

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

just because you’re afraid it doesn’t mean you’re broken.

Titans 3.05

once more into the cold dark void of the internet with my stream-of-consciousness take on a superhero tv show...

spoilers ahead.

1. i cannot believe that among the first things i get to hear in this episode with my own two ears is the line 'eluded our overdudes'. why must you give me such pain along with so much joy, show?

1.5. scarecrow stringing jason along on this path to red-hood-dom is not something i would’ve ever expected, but does kind of make sense. 

1.55. i don’t know all the details of the original resurrection arc in the comics but i like that jason, weirdly, has a greater role to play in his own demise and rebirth? i think it makes it easier to draw a line between his past trauma, the demonstrably shitty and terrifying responsibility of being robin, the ways bruce and the titans wronged him, his responses to that, the reasons he turns to scarecrow, and his final evolution to red hood. it makes for a smoother character arc rather than a one that was interrupted for two decades before somebody went oh hey let’s resurrect that kid that the audience once voted to kill and make him an anti-hero!

1.75. what’s crane giving him? anti fear toxin? anyway, crane is a fucking creep and i’m not sure i want to see a whole lot of him on my screen.

2. oh, um, heads up: there’s a long sequence of unsteady cam + flickering lights right after the title card upto the 3:16 mark. it’s a bit headache-inducing so if you want to skip, you can go ahead and do that. 

2.45. that’s... weird... why would he dream about... donna...

ok, who am i kidding. i’m going to jump right into my theory about Why Titans Makes Sense Actually because the show itself is apparently not interested in explaining itself:

a) it makes no sense for jason to be conjuring up donna--who famously did not care much for him!--in his dreams. (he wasn’t even there when she died.) or for her to be telling him don’t go or there’s still time.

b) this leads me to think that that’s actually donna, in some sort of limbo between life and death, the kind of place where jericho used to be

c) rachel has demonstrated that she has the power to link the minds of the titans across great distances--she called jason and hank/dawn for help in 2.01, she linked up everybody later in the season, projected dick’s hallucination of his father into their brains without even realising she was doing it, and in the finale, she managed to get dick into conner’s brain. she’s in themyscira now. is this how she gets donna back to life? but reaching out to her in that non-space between life and death?

d) the next obvious question is: why isn’t donna appearing in the dreams of the other titans? she probably is, but they have better reason to be dreaming about her since they were actually close to her, unlike jason.

e) but why would she warn jason in particular? does she foresee jason entering the afterlife--however briefly? does she have an idea of what jason plans to do and what he will become?

f) anyway, more trippy mindscapes and weird psychic powers, yay!

2.5. my heart clenched when bruce comforted jason post-nightmare: clearly i’ve been reading way too much batfam fic. this is a side of bruce we haven’t really been told to expect by all the characters on the show calling him a ‘psychopath’ (*cough*unreliablenarrators*cough*) and him getting jason to speak to a professional speaks volumes about the kind of self-reflection he’s done post dick’s departure, and maybe some of the regrets he has with regards to how he dealt with dick’s traumas.

i mean, just look at him when jason dismisses his concerns! BRUCE IS TRYING JASON

anyway, i have a whole lot more i want to say about this, but i’ll save it for later. 

also: LESLIE THOMPKINS!!!!

3. i really like molly--and i love that she’s a friend from before jason got taken in by bruce, the implication that they meet up regularly and that she’s a grounding influence on him (tho clearly not grounding enough to not go along with his dumbass idea about confronting a child trafficker alone). 

3.5. aw, jason. robin was his armour against everything in the world that would throw him down and chew him to bits, but san francisco proved that even robin wasn’t enough to protect him. it’s really interesting how ‘disillusionment with the idea of robin’ is so integral to the traumas of both dick and jason but in such different ways. 

4. LESLIE!!!!!!! i even forgive her office being so goddamn blue because leslie! 

4.5. it makes so much sense for titans!verse leslie to be a therapist, because this show is so inward looking anyway, and therapist sessions are a useful tool to showcase this character work in a story. besides, at least in fanfic, leslie often seems to double up as a counsellor anyway. 

4.6. oh man. i’m not terribly convinced by walters’ red hood (tho i think that may be the point--argh. i’ll come back to this thought later. have to stop getting distracted!) but he plays the asshole kid that’s trying not to let any real emotion seep through really well.

“you’d like me to punch you, wouldn’t you”

5. not sure what to think of batman’s little trophy case other than the show winking unsubtly at us and going look look - catwoman! the riddler! two face! you excited yet?! it’s like the scene from the end of amazing spiderman 2 when they were trying to drum up excitement for a sinister six spinoff by having harry osborne walk by a bunch of display cases with stuff from iconic villains in them.

... but then again, bruce does like to display a lot of shit in his batcave, including his dead robin’s bloodstained costume, so.

5.5. bruce is so soft with jason it’s killing me. beyond just trying to learn from his mistakes with dick, it speaks to his own genuine desire to balance his dedication to gotham with doing the best by his sons, although he’s often not successful with that. 

i love that titans is really playing the long game with bruce wayne, with each season and character-perspective sliding in fresh pieces of a bigger puzzle. titans’ bruce has always been a phantom of other peoples’ making, but now we’re getting the idea that he’s a whole lot more complicated than other people make it seem.

5.75. it really recontextualises some of his actions from previous seasons: the fact that he locked dick out of his security systems in 1.06 is likely his way of respecting dick’s independence and his desire not to be associated with batman/gotham anymore. jason knowing about bruce’s tracker while dick doesn’t is probably bruce trying to be more honest and upfront with his charges. bruce sending jason packing off to sanfran to spend time with the titans is probably not him passing on a big responsibility to dick (as i first uncharitably thought) but him trying to get jason out of the toxic influence of gotham for a while and a sign of his trust in dick as a leader and a mentor,

5.8. i mean, bruce is a prick, but he’s also human.

6. i think leslie is doing some good work with jason here, though she may have overstepped the line with her line about robin as a construct being projected by a man with BPD. her speculations about bruce’s diagnosis have no place in her session with jason, and if bruce confides in her, an egregious violation of patient-therapist confidentiality. 

(about the diagnosis itself... i don’t know. i can’t really confirm or refute this without a whole lot more information, and i’m not sure if the writer of this episode means BPD in the same way an actual professional might.)

6.5. i think a huge thing that gets missed out in a lot of recent comics as well as movies/shows is that bruce didn’t create the robin persona out of whole cloth. dick did. he’s the starting point of that legacy and to call it entirely bruce’s creation is blatant erasure of that. in fact, i’m surprised that dick doesn’t feature more in the conversations they’re having about the pressures of being robin. after all, the guy had been robin--bruce’s partner--for such a long time before jason. 

6.8. (and here’s the primal part of me that resonates the deepest with dick grayson--the Eldest Daughter part--that’s sort of resentful: that jason gets the therapy and softness and the learning from mistakes when it took years and years for bruce to reach out in any meaningful way to dick.)

7. oooh that was a great scene!

it’s fun to do these stream-of-consciousness live reactions, because the moment you step down from your soapbox, the episode goes right into tackling what you were just complaining about. bruce means well, he’s learning, but he goes about exactly the wrong way to help jason: taking away robin now can’t be read by jason as anything but a devastating judgment call from bruce. and iain glen really sells the moment that bruce realises this--too late--and his helplessness in trying to get jason to see that it isn’t jason’s fault that he’s trying to do this. he loves jason enough that jason is enough. 

7.5. aaaah so jason brings up the elephant in the room at last. dick got everything makes sense from his perspective, where getting to put on a costume and fight crime means approval, means being something stronger and better than you are. dick got to be robin, then nightwing, and a leader of a whole team of other costume-clad heroes. 

8. ... how did jason just walk into arkham????? this is ridiculous.

8.3. i mean, clearly jason’s not thinking straight, but betraying batman like this puts his possibilities of being robin again even further away. 

8.5. watching that chemistry experiment montage was strangely funny. this guy is looking for an antidote to fear? well, constantly mixing up and inhaling gases concocted by a mad-scientist supervillain is something only the very fearless--reckless to the point of foolishness!--would do. what’s to say crane’s not given you a formula for a drug that will keep you tethered to his every will and whim? hmmmm?

8.7. so he sought out the joker to... test the formula??? 

9. wow the “loud and clear... boss” hits different after a whole episode of them referring to each other as father and son.

9.3. waitwaitwait HOLD UP. wait a DANG MINUTE. you’re telling me that scarecrow had enough resources that he could not only have folks on the outside steal jason away and dunk him in a lazarus pit (i TOLD you that this show would bring up and dismiss ra’s al ghul in a ten second aside! I TOLD YOU) but also have his own little chemistry lab in the basement, AND have enough resources for jason to build his red hood persona???????? all of this in barely twenty four hours?

well there goes my ‘jason orchestrated his death’ theory. it was nice while it lasted. *cups hands to the sky* fly away, my baby.

9.6. a part of me is gleeful at the rushed nature of such an iconic transformation though, especially when compared to all the character work that went before it. we’re so used to getting the opposite that it’s fucking delightful to have a show that’s more interested in exploring its characters’ minds rather than battle scenes or recreating transformations from the comics. that’s taken such bold and exciting steps to fully convey all the nuances of its most recognisable character, bruce wayne, from casting an older actor to play him to unflinchingly showing just how damaging the vigilante lifestyle has been to him and the people he loves. BRILLIANT

*sporfle*

10. again, heads up: a whole lot of flashing lights between 40:28 and 42:00. 

10.3. i guess it’s the super-compressed timeline that’s really throwing me off. where did he have the time to get/develop the mind control thing from? or is it something that he got from the cabal of villains that he intimidated at the beginning of 3.02? very messy.

10.5. i love molly, i hope she shows up again this season.

11. aaaand that’s it! that was a solid episode as flashback episodes go, but now i can’t wait to return to the present.

[mikaze-discord]

Quartet Night: Love letters

Annnnnd these are the love letters written for Quartet Night!!!

Please enjoy under the cut~

REIJI KOTOBUKI

From Anon:

I've always been drawn to characters with complex (and fairly dark) personalities, so liking Rei-chan was honestly inevitable for me.

He looks like a very bright and cheerful character at first, which he is, but sometimes that part of him is a little misleading because, in actuality, he's a character that holds a lot of negative feelings about himself due to a past that he can't seem to move on from. He holds a lot of those feelings to himself because he doesn't want to burden anyone else with them. He's a reliable, cunning, and ultimately selfless character that chooses to shoulder a lot on his own out of his infinite care for others, and perhaps a secret sense of atonement, all hidden behind his bright demeanor and goofy smile, and it's endlessly interesting to me.

Besides the duality of his personality, he has a lot of other endearing quirks to love about him. He loves his mom a lot and is a mama's boy. His old-man jargon and catchphrases never fail to amuse (I still can't get over the way he says "my girl"). His obsession with anything even remotely British is something my APH England phase can relate to. His style of music brings a lot of pleasant feelings of nostalgia for me, and his pretty voice suits them a lot. And most of all he's just a very good boy overall. I rate 99999 out of 10 would love and support him and also maybe pay for his therapy because god knows he needs it. Happy anniversary!!

From another anon: 

Would you like to hear a story? You do? Very well then, may this story be one you enjoy.

What do I like about Reiji kotobuki? A Lot of things actually!

Well, I've always really liked Reiji as a character as he seemed to be one of the more interesting characters to me, due to how complex he is with his backstory and general just personality.

I have always really enjoyed how Reiji just solves problems too? Like he is just such an outgoing person who deserves all the support!!!

Like the best word I can use for Reiji is just, unique. Everything about him is just so Reiji. From the way he talks, to his nicknames or even his texting style. Like have you seen how many people use emoticons when texting as Reiji? It's just so him.

I like his way of thinking too! I feel like some of the interactions in the games are just so interesting, just seeing Reiji’s point of view. How he deals with a sort of survivor’s guilt and all of that.

Personally, some of my most memorable roleplaying moments were watching a Reiji rper in action, like just seeing them interact and flow so seamlessly with the other characters was just so fascinating to wee baby rper me. Such a large part of playing Reiji is just how you flow with the people around you and comedic timing. I have so many funny moments where Reiji was just interacting with people and it was just so inspirational (?) like I couldn't stop the smile on my face. I had learnt alot from them. I still consider them my roleplaying senpai almost! I don't talk to them anymore but I really had an amazing time just seeing their spin on the character.

I don't find him to be a romantic partner towards me nor do I see any of the characters in that light, but I've always found Reiji as such a personal character. Not even just towards me, like even with other utapri stans. The most relatable character always seems to be Reiji.

I've always been pretty similar in many aspects to him and I often find myself relating to him in numerous ways like his vibe is just relatable! I have often found myself trying to make other people laugh and have fun that many times I'm spreading myself thin and feel unappreciated...Reiji really helped with that.

This is where i start getting into the really personal stuff LOL feel free to skip if you dont wanna hear the angsty backstory.

I had really come to love Reiji when I had just...hit a low. I had a group of friends who I enjoyed hanging out with and just talking to, but they weren't very good friends per say. I often had to schedule every activity we did and I spent days and nights trying to think of concepts that might be fun. They took it for granted.. I had spent 4 months trying to make a game for them, and they had constantly pushed back times that we would play it. Using excuses to not play it, without telling me out right what they did not like or even why. The site I used was later taken down without notice and thus I had lost all my progress. Later, they had mentioned how they would like to play it except that later ended up being two years later. I really wish I could've solved things with that friend group like Quartet Night did but that didn't happen. That is when I started seeing things Reiji’s way? Not to say that it was the same or similar scenario to Reiji but I had just associated it with him.

RANMARU KUROSAKI

From Anon:

Ran is such a fun character! He sounds like a "rough outside, soft inside" kind of character, but his roughness is more like an integral part of him and it's through it that he shows he cares rather than setting it aside. That's what made me want to rp him. I also like how he is such a strong guy who's always determined to do his best in everything he does despite so much having gone wrong in his past. And it's very satisfying to see him form bonds and start to trust people.

From @mikaze-san:

Originally, my favourite Utapri boy was Ai, and it had been the robot boy for several years upon entering the fandom. In fact, it only switched to Ranmaru sometime late last year but regardless, I would still die for this man. Part of the reason why I switched is because I’ve always been a fan of Suzuki Tatsuhisa and I have a huge bias towards any man who wears nail polish without fearing being “feminine” because fuck gender roles.

As someone who studies fashion, I think Ranmaru is very coordinated and confident when it comes to portraying himself that way. He knows he’s not very good at expressing his emotions and utilises his passion for rock and playing the bass to portray those feelings through his songs. It’s also incredibly inspiring to know that he bounces back from pretty much anything considering his backstory and the stuff he deals with in the game/anime.

But my main reason for loving Ranmaru so much stems from the fact that I admire him a lot and want to be more like him. For a long time last year, I got to roleplay as Ranmaru in a few Utapri groups and through those experiences, I gained a better understanding and appreciation of the characters that I wrote for. In some weird way, by highlighting his flaws, character progression and how he dealt with different emotions, I ended up providing insight into how I dealt with similar issues by looking at them from a 3rd person perspective.

I used to be very shy and was very shut off from friends and family, and due to this I’ve always admired people in my life or fictional characters that are so confident in being who they are. Ranmaru particularly struck that chord in me because his bluntness knows no end. He’s very opinionated and doesn’t fear confrontation, in most cases being the one to provoke it. He speaks his mind openly without being overly anxious of the consequences. This is something that I feel is especially relevant today with being your authentic/unapologetic self is such a trend.

It’s something I’ve also noticed with having met people in or outside of this fandom, the notion of idolising a fictional character containing traits that we want to see in ourselves. Which made me think about a lot of my favourite kinds of characters which at the end of the day all boil down to sharing one similar trait: Being a bitch.

And in Utapri, Ranmaru embodies that. So naturally it’s very easy for me to idolise him.

(Tldr: I like his bitchy attitude.)

AI MIKAZE 

From Arashi:

It's hard to put into words why I love Ai Mikaze, perhaps it's because I'm subconsciously drawn to him, maybe it's because his hair and eyes are my favorite color, maybe it's because his voice is that of an angels, there are many reasons why I love him. I couldn't tell you a definite, "These one or two reasons are the entire reason I love him", but I'll try to sum it up.

I grew to love him by admiring his personality, his smile, his determination to reach his goals, everything about him made me happy. He's strict and a little scary at times, but when he sees people caring for him, he becomes happy and in a way, sentimental. He's not sure how to explain the way he feels, but he tries. I think I admire how he holds all the little things precious to his heart as he learns about them, and he wants to understand how to care for others and how they care for them in return. Even after six years, he still remains the most dear to me. I think that he now has a sentimental value to me, because even if I 'loved' another character more for a while, I will always come back to Ai. Ai deserves the world, and I'd give it to him if I could. He'll always be special to me, and I think that he very much deserves that.

From Maronda: 

My love for Ai started after I found Shining Live by chance and started to play. At first I wasn't particularly attached to any of the characters and decided to go back and watch the anime to maybe remember some context other than who Starish was. When I got to the episode focused on Ai and his "secret" I was absolutely thrown off by it all. I ended up feeling like I had so many questions and I knew that the anime would give me little to no answers, so I frequently turned to rambling on the internet about it. Eventually, this fixation on weird things about him seemed to turn into a clear fondness for him, and friends made me realize just how much I liked him. Knowing the cold and often strange aspects of his personality was due to something out of his control was something I resonated with as someone on the autism spectrum. He reminded me of some of the ways I used to think and behave.

I also began to notice other things I loved about him. Things like how soothing I found his voice, the pleasant shade of light blue in his hair and eyes, how ridiculously pretty he is... but the best things are the endearing parts of his personality. Though he's somewhat harsh, he's still entirely genuine. His curiosity is absolutely precious and his occasional awkwardness in expressing emotion or understanding the emotions of others made me empathize with him. And if you look at the Ai in Shining Live and compare it to the Ai in the anime and games... he really has changed a lot and grown as a person. He now seems so much gentler and understanding, and he clearly values the friendships he has now too! I think he's a wonderful character and ever since friends of mine encouraged me to selfship I've essentially been in love with him, but it also makes me happy to see other people appreciate him for other reasons as well. He's just so lovable!

CAMUS

From @uta-no-fakku-sama:

At the very beginning of my UtaPri interest, Camus never really caught my attention. That is until he became my first My Only Prince UR. I’ve come to appreciate him a lot more ever since, and now he’s become my favorite QUARTET NIGHT member! Along the way, I learned more about him and realized he’s one of the more complicated characters to understand. Nonetheless, I absolutely adore him. I tend to tease and make fun of him a lot, but deep down I truly do like him a whole bunch!

From @/waddamaloooon on twt: 

A little Camus appreciation post

(alternatively known as; how this guy managed to harshly take my heart and step on it like the gumin I am.)

Hello, this is Suikamaru, here to share a tiny story of why I, and eventually you, love Camus Rondo Cryzard.

At first glance, his looks appealed to me, but not his behavior (and ironically enough, his voice) so I didn't bat an eye on him. I've always been on a neutral leaning to dislike opinion on Camus, which is quite understandable because have you SEEN the way he acts. Unfathomable.

…..To a Young Suikamaru, that is.

I've grown, so naturally I've changed preferences regarding characters, ikemen, and who to stan and who to avoid like the plague. I will lie if I said that I expected to like that blonde confectionery devouring machine at any point of my life.

But it did happen so who are we fooling here.

It dawned on me that Camus is the type of character that you cannot appreciate unless you go in depth into his lore, backstory, and see him for who he really is. Because then everything else will make sense. And that never happened in my case until I started roleplaying as him.

I realized that he's not just a two faced, sweet toothed mean man. He's a perfectionist, someone who's always been raised since his childhood days to be nothing less than complete, who has locked on his heart and emotions to devote himself completely to the purpose given to him. He has the looks and brains for what though? He should be a little stupid honestly.

But his intelligence gave him the complexity that he just needed for his characteristics. Because as aforementioned, he's not someone to easily like or fall in love with. And I think that's quite rare in characters, and very much appreciated due to the fact it gives the fans a chance to not actually stay on a flat level of knowledge regarding their favorite characters.

I've slowly started to see myself in some aspects of him, which was the number one factor of liking him. Then came the Maeno magic when I realized Camus shares the same VA as another character that I love as well. (Hamelin, from SinoAlice.) From then, everything went downhill.

In a good way. I think..

Well, that is all from me, please read about this handsome man and appreciate his hard work both as an individual and as an idol. There is SO much to him that's p much overlooked and I'm getting broke from spending my money on his living expenses rent free in my head. Take him off my head.