#incredibly cursory 911 spec about 5x18 lol

[wanderingwomanwondering]

Buck NEEDS Trauma Processing, Stat!

Because of Buck’s really surprising 516 discussion of his 218 leg injury and early s3 blood clots etc, the impact of the shooting and hostage situation on Buck have been on my mind A LOT lately. The floodgates are opening for him…wider than before apparently. We’ve known for a while that Buck needs to process the traumas he’s experienced but his graphic overshare with a patient on a rescue (combined with Eddie’s overwhelm & plea for Buck to stop!) really drove that point home for me.

I can’t stop thinking about Buck’s various reactions to Eddie being shot in 414. Buck was shook to his core! 

We only have 2 more eps left in s5 and we have still only gotten honorable mentions of the shooting, but no actual discussion of either of their specific feelings about it! Both men are still incredibly reticent to get into. There are a host of character and narrative reasons why I guess, but if the silence around it was loud at the start of s5 then it’s deafening now in the 11th hour!

Eddie’s run in with the well back in s3 affected Buck but the show didn’t really show us much of the impact beyond the episode in which it happened. The shooting was different. We have gotten tidbits of quiet reactions from Buck that I think are specifically related to the shooting (and of course is pinging things that came before and after).

In 502 when Eddie talks about the panic attacks, Buck suggests that it could be about the shooting and Eddie dismisses that. I couldn’t find the exact gif I wanted but Buck looked away like he needed to hide the fact that the shooting did indeed still affect him, even if Eddie claimed to be fine. It was like he was in a low-key version of “stow it away and save the next one” mode where Eddie was the next one in that case because of the panic attacks.

Then in 506 Buck is worried out of his mind about Eddie again. He spends the whole ambulance ride staring at Mitchell’s gun and then just waiting in the hospital for Eddie to make it out of the deadly situation alive. While he’s waiting he looked terrified most of the time but also like a man who was reminded of the shooting and his terror in that situation too. But he swallows it.

Eddie of course has a TON going on this season. I think Eddie is working his way up to talking about the shooting and hostage situation with Buck if Eddie’s conversation with Carla in 510 and his therapy session in 513 with Frank are any indication. Eddie’s going through a slow, measured, therapist-guided ascent from the depths of his pain. He’ll get to the shooting (and by extension the hostage situation) eventually I think but he’s not ready quite yet. There’s an order of operations and he’s working the problem. 

Buck seems different. He’s stowed it away. Maybe he’s avoiding the hard topic for his own sake, or waiting for Eddie to be ready to process it with him, or both. Either way, Buck does seem personally invested in pretending like he’s fine. I mean - the man did say sometimes “I hide my true feelings from others” at the start of s4. He was leveled by the shooting in ways I don’t think he can quite put into words yet. On top of that, it’s like if he can’t start the conversation in terms of Eddie’s well-being first and foremost (rather than his own) then it’s not worth bringing up. 

Buck mentioned the shooting in 514 but it was just a mention and expressly for the purpose of helping Eddie to see that he’d given Charlie a second chance. Even when Buck raised the issue of the shooting in a practical and focused way, he broke eye contact for a second and ducked his head way down in what seemed like intentionally non-threatening (and maybe guilty?) body language. It stood out to me because Buck is tall and takes up space but he seemed to be working hard not to in that moment. Like he wanted Eddie to know without a doubt that this wasn’t Buck’s time to feel his feelings about the shooting, but Eddie’s time to gain some healing perspective.

I would imagine that Buck still harbors feelings of fear, shame, and guilt over the shooting and then the hostage situation compounded that because he had to leave Eddie with Mitchell. I don’t think he feels like he’s allowed to be wrecked too over how afraid he was and how helpless he felt and over almost losing someone who means so damn much to him. 

Even in 516 when Buck was worried about Bobby after the dispatch ceiling collapse, later at the hospital, something about the way Buck looked at Eddie while everyone was talking about Bobby how luck Bobby was made me think that conversation was probably talking about both Bobby and Eddie being lucky to be alive! Like Buck was taking that moment to acknowledge/celebrate Bobby’s new lease on life and bask in Eddie’s too!

All the moments above where it looked like Buck was actively swallowing or hiding his feelings for Eddie’s sake, they all stood out for me because I think that pattern of Buck pretending with Eddie has to break this season, just like Eddie’s pattern had to break with Buck. 

I wonder if the Buck issue that some folks been predicted at the Henren vow renewal (thanks @stagefoureddiediaz​ & bts pics of white-shirt clad Buck!) will have something to do with Buck’s emotional dam breaking down and his trauma being forced to the surface! Perhaps a trigger event like cocktail sauce all over his perfect white shirt ?!?!?! Bonus points if Eddie causes this or sees this happen and has to whisk Buck away due to dissociation or a panic attack!

The last thing I want is for the Henren vow renewal to be highjacked by Buck’s feelings but I think there are some creative ways to have a moment where something happens with Buck and they have to at least broach the fact that there are unresolved shooting issues/feelings for Buck too, not just Eddie.