#therapist said i need a hobby or i will lose my mind

[gentlyhazzardous]

Want to get back to writing fanfiction my job has taken over my life xd

[eventide-imp]

This is a vent post. It's kind of long I guess. I just needed to put it somewhere because I feel like I'm losing my mind. And I had already woken up depressed as hell yesterday when part of this happened.

I need someone in charge of the strings of fate give me a FUCKING break. Gas gets cut off with no notice and we manage to get it back on after four days and TWO calls to the gas company. Since the pilot lights went out because there was no gas, the oven is still dead and there's no way for me to relight it. It just keeps giving an error. Which means spending more money for it to be serviced.

The water heater light was also out. Well guess who's going on almost two weeks with no hot water now because after getting the gas back on, we discovered the fucking control panel for the water heater is dead! Which means we can't turn the damn water heater back on. It's 325 to replace it OR over 900 to just replace the whole damn thing.

And the shower doesn't work. It's a simple part to replace but the one my grandmother bought doesn't fit. my grandmother refuses to pay a plumber to come fix it or just buy a new part that should fit. That's been broke for over a month. So everybody has to try and wash in the tub, and now in freezing cold water. I finally ended up going to my mom's just so I could wash my hair for the first time in two months.

And then my 12 year old Big Pup was doing a very normal 12 year old thing. Being curious about one of those character chatbots. His friends use it, so of course he's gonna want to look at it. Frankly I'm only concerned about him potentially getting something 18+ out of it. My ex on the other hand is CONVINCED someone could hack it and start talking to him through it??? Nothing I said could dissuade him from this, even when I said it doesn't work like that he just insisted "well it has HUMAN OVERSIGHT doesn't it!?" And like yeah but that's still not how it works???

The only real issue, in my opinion, was Big Pup feeling the need to sneak around to use it. My ex was also concerned that the kid was apparently talking to the character like a romantic partner, which, I don't actually know what that means. And he didn't bother to take a screenshot or anything to show me as an example, so I still have no idea what that means. His other concern was the kid not feeling like he could talk to people well and struggling to socialize. Which is normal??? For being 12???? Like middle school and high school are AWKWARD AS FUCK, there's so much going on for them to deal with!

I made it clear I had no issues with finding a therapist for Big Pup (he's an anxious bean, has parents who aren't together, has a younger sibling with a decent age gap, he's got a lot to cope with!), and I was also not opposed to getting the kid into after school programs so he could try to socialize more within his hobbies.

But I offered to show the kid ao3 so he could have fanfic to read instead of using the chatbots. I thought that was a good compromise. My ex just said "NO. He can write it if he wants but I don't want him reading anyone else's stuff. Yeah that's your thing and you read it at his age cause your parents should've been paying more attention to you."

I......I am trying not to take the rest of what he said personally, because it basically just continued like that where he shut me down instead of at least considering that as an option alongside the other things. And comments about my parents not paying enough attention to what I did on the internet. but it just really REALLY felt like he was basically saying he doesn't want our son to end up like ME.

I know I struggle socially. I always have. The only time in my life where my friend group was greater than four people, one of whom was usually my twin, was high school and that's purely on the patience of one girl deciding she was gonna stand in front of my desk to talk to the nervous and shy mouse of a girl with the manga during history class the first day. And then three of her friends, all of them having been friends during middle school, joining her. They stood around my desk and talked over my head for three days before I got the courage to actually join the conversations. And then they found out the school had an anime club. And even in anime club, surrounded by peers who actually liked the same things I liked, I still struggled. I still talked the least. They didn't care. I was there and listening and could manage a few jokes, that was enough.

Most of my friendships moved online after I had Big Pup. Nobody wants to keep inviting someone who can never come out anyway. (My family staunchly refused to babysit unless I needed to go to a doctors appointment or do the grocery shopping). I'm very glad of my online friendships. They've helped me so much. I try to return the favor as much as possible. They've bought my kids Christmas gifts, and birthday gifts, and helped me with transportation and so many other things. They're part of my support system. I love them.

I know I'm not any better socially. If anything I've probably gotten worse. I KNOW I've pretty much stopped masking my neurodivergence most times. It's just too exhausting to have to pretend to be neurotypical 24/7. It's part of why I burnt out and my body crashed. Nobody really wants to accept it. So I still have to partially mask. But I can't keep it up. I just can't. It's too much for my own mental health. My ex is adhd. I've got epilepsy and a strong case for autism. Both Big Pup and Little Pup are blatantly neurodivergent. It's always been obvious to me. But my ex has been in denial about it for years. He's only just recently (like the last three or so months recent) come around to the idea that they are.

And apparently the thought that they might be like me is too much for him. But I'm supposed to take myself out of it. I'm supposed to not get defensive. I'm supposed to not take it personally.

AND ALL OF THIS WITHOUT ANY GODDAMN HOT WATER.

[caffeinatedowlbear]

Unlikely Occupations for Handsome Jack

I played this on the soon-no-longer-twitter, and figured I like these too much to lose them when that site inevitably becomes an ex-parrot. This post will collect all the previous AUs I've made, and you can request new ones in the comments.

The rules are simple: name a job/occupation that would be very unlikely for Handsome Jack, and I'll try to come up with an IC(ish), (mostly) not crack explanation of how he ended up that way. All ideas generated from this exercise are free for the taking, as long as: 1) the prompt giver doesn't mind; 2) you let me know what you make of it.

Note: while any minimum wage job fits the 'unlikely' criteria, ideally I'm looking for suggestions of jobs/occupations that someone (but normally, not Jack) would conceivably WANT to do, and not just to survive. It's sad but true that people rarely end up in minimum wage jobs for interesting reasons. So please go easy on burger flipping, shelf restocking, call centers and the like.

Prompts filled so far: Janitor, DJ, Florist, Marine Biologist, Preschool Teacher, Pediatric Nurse (new!).

Outstanding prompts: cab driver; mortician; therapist/social worker (got ideas for this one); supermarket cashier (got half a plan)

Filled prompts below, starting with a fan favorite.

Janitor

Now, I know that ‘it’s just a front’ may sound like a cop-out because it can apply to any ‘Jack in a minimum-wage job’ scenario. So I tried to make it more interesting.

Setting: can be modern-day, can be sci-fi, but needs to be an AU in which Jack isn’t instantly recognizable by all and sundry. He is a rich and successful asshole, though. But there’s a certain shiny object he really, REALLY wants to get his hands on. Could be physical thing, could be information. Either way, something that money (of which he has plenty) can’t buy, because it’s held by another, even richer asshole.

Multiple attempts to infiltrate the guy’s home, where the shiny is kept, have failed. The mark is famously a recluse, his security systems are deadly, and all his staff are life-long friends and acquaintances. There’s only one tiny security hole: cleaning and maintenance. Now, most of it is automated, but once every few months, there’s a need for human labor. So every few months, a trusted and vetted housekeeping services agency dispatches some of its most trusted and vetted workers. And isn’t it lucky that Jack has a contact at said agency?

It goes off without a hitch at first. Agency Contact makes sure Jack’s fake identity passes all the background checks, and adds him to the next crew dispatched to Rich Asshole’s house. But then, Agency Contact is busted for an unrelated piece of shady business. Their latest acts in the company come under scrutiny. Jack’s employment status holds, but not his assignment. He is supposed to have at least six months of spotless (...sorry :p) record with the agency before he can get assigned to high-priority jobs like this.

So now Jack has two options. Say "fuck this shit, I'm out" and look for a different solution that might not even exist... or hold out for the sure-fire way in, even if it means spending six months pushing around a mop while toeing the company line. What’s it gonna be, Jack??

DJ

Going off the beaten track for this one, because I didn't want to do the obvious option of 'rich guy's hobby/vanity side gig'.

My take is, we're back on Tantalus and in Jack's (John's?) youth. It's a place full of poverty and violence, but also a colorful night life. Of course, many night clubs are fronts for drug and arms (and worse) trade. Getting in with the clubs is a solid strategy for a young guy with his head on his shoulders.

Jack tries to do different jobs that take him all over, to see the backstage stuff as much as possible. (He even has a brief stint as an unlikely bouncer: no-one expected the scrawny 20yo to throw some real good punches.)

His first DJ experience happens when he's a stage hand / gofer at a club, and the actual DJ goes off to screw someone, telling Jack to take over for half an hour. The music is cued up, just look like you're having fun, he's told. This is the first taste he gets of the kind of power he didn't think he wanted. Because the power that comes with money and access and control is one thing (and make no mistake, he wants that). But the power to stand in front of a room full of people and command their mood? To be cheered? To get them to chant your name, even? That hits something really, really deep inside young Jack. He knows that day that however he gets to the top, he won't just be the man behind the curtain. He will be the one whose name the crowd is chanting.

From there on, Jack's goal is clear. Not only is he going to get power and money and his slice of all the shady business, but he's also going to be a goddamn ✨celebrity✨ while at it. For bonus points, add a scar earned in a gang war ten years later and make Handsome Jack his crime name *and* stage name.

Florist

Setting: semi-historical or steampunk flavored Victorian. There is a war on, but it's pretty far away or a relatively cold one. So no immediate danger on the home front, but spycraft is in high demand. Jack is an era-appropriate Bond type who gets saddled with an assignment to...

"Make bouquets? Is this a joke?"

No, it's not. The flower shop Jack would be operating out of is a hub receiving intel from multiple covert informants. It will be Jack's job to pick out what's important, and pass it to the right people, encoded via flower bouquets. Sending messages via different flowers are already a thing in this society, as they were in our world's Victorian era, but obviously, the spy organization obviously has its own code book, so no harm done if a bouquet falls into the wrong hands.

"Except I'd have to bloody make it again, so, actually, plenty of harm done."

In order to maintain the cover, the flower shop also has to do legitimate business, so Jack gets to make plenty of "civilian" bouquets as well, and be all polite and gentlemanly with the customers.

There's only one silver lining to this dismal assignment. The assistant assigned to help Jack with sorting and aggregating the intel is pretty darn cute.

Marine Biologist

(Short write-up, but this is one of my personal faves!)

Canon-adjacent BL settings, but instead of Pandora, Jack is drawn to Aquator in his vault-hunting pursuits, searching for a vault rumored to be at the bottom of the ocean. Helios is a city-sized submarine!

For bonus points, add a Rhack plot featuring mercreature!Rhys, who has knowledge of the vault, but is reluctant to reveal its location, and whose trust Jack is desperately trying to win.

In a Preschool

Modern-day, Passable Dad AU. It's career day at Angel's school. Jack didn't want to come, what with being a currently unemployed head of a recently-failed startup. But he can't say no to Angel, so... sigh, here we go.

Jack is the last one to talk, his hope being that maybe they’ll run out of time and he won’t have to. Alas, his slot comes up. A few minutes in, the teacher gets an urgent phone call and steps out (don’t come after me about child safety protocols in this AU, okay :p).

Then the period is technically over, and the teacher isn’t back (guess the phone call was urgent enough to make them run out without telling people; they’re so fired). Other parents have left at some point during the period, because they have jobs / better things to do. Jack tries to send Angel to go find an adult, but she declares they’re not allowed to leave the classroom on their own (because she’s an ass). But, she continues, they can’t be left on their own, either (like I said, an ass).

So, Jack is stuck with a bunch of preschoolers for an hour. Once he runs out of failed startup stories, he just starts rubber-ducking new business ideas off of them. It’s surprisingly effective: kids are really good at poking holes in what seem like reasonable plans to adults.

And this is how, once a teacher finally comes to see what’s going on, Mr. Lawrence is offered a job as a substitute teacher at his daughter’s preschool. He will get fired once he deals with a bully by holding the offender up by the ankle until a believable apology is delivered.

Pediatric Nurse

(the prompt giver was very specific that it should be nurse, not doctor)

Setting: Tantalus, Jack is a single dad and dirt-poor. Angel is hospitalized with something that requires long-term inpatient care, and Jack literally doesn't have the money to pay for her treatment and rent, so he loses the apartment and starts low-key living at the hospital.

He's getting away with it pretty well. Angel shares a room with a few more kids, whose parents catch on pretty quickly, but don't mind that an extra parent is hanging around, because the hospital is permanently understaffed, and the kids like having company. (He gets more than an occasional meal from other kids' parents, too.)

When Jack's not doing gig work on his laptop, he's reading up everything about Angel's condition as well as all-purpose medical care so he can take care of her when she's finally allowed to leave the hospital. He's a fast learner, and soon ends up helping out the permanently overworked nurses with basic stuff like changing dressings, giving an extra hand with whatever, and even fixing up some medical equipment when something outdated inevitably breaks. It's not long before the kids in Angel's room (and the adjacent rooms) start calling him Nurse Jack.

The only one who's not thrilled about Jack's permanent presence on the ward is a young (and very attractive) doctor who's being a real stick in the mud about 'non-medical personnel outside of visiting hours'. The fact that, thanks to Jack's liberal use of nicknames, the kids start calling him Dr. Cupcake doesn't win Jack much love, either. Things between them getting more tense by the day, and Jack is this close to getting banned from the hospital outside of strict visiting hours.

That is, until one day, some Tantalus bandits barge in, demand that the whole floor is cleared so that their boss can get medical attention, and even take some medical personnel (including Dr. Cupcake) hostage to make their point. Little did they know that one of their hostages is: a) not a licensed medical professional, but b) real handy with a gun.

[cl0udpup]

Autism Spectrum Quotient

For anyone following me on Twitter, you'd notice I interact with autistic people constantly, respond with strong relation to autistic experiences, agree with many "if you do ___ you may be autistic." Yet, online testing has been unclear.

I haven't brought it up to my therapist yet, as I just went through the ADHD assessment process (diagnosed, inattentive type.) I've had this anxiety like, I don't want my care team to think I'm like... trying to just collect diagnoses. No, I'm just desperate to understand myself and hopefully plan accordingly so the next half of my life can be a bit less chaotic than the first.

So, I wanted to take and post my results from the tests on embrace-autism.com here. I'll be posting my thought process as I go through the questions, because so much of it leaves me wholly confused, and unsure of what the questions mean. Maybe writing it all out will help me understand, or maybe others can chime in and help clarify, or give their opinion.

Questions and responses behind the cut. I answered middle of the road for a majority of questions, as many of them were vague or confusing. There were only a few definitely yes or definitely no.

RESULTS

Score: 32

Score Analysis: “The AQ doesn’t really offer much insight into specific autistic traits, as it only outputs a single score. Any scores of 26 or greater indicate the presence of autistic traits; the higher the score, the more autistic traits you have.

Furthermore, 79.3% of autistic people score 32 or higher (whereas only 2% of controls do), so scores of 32 and above are particularly significant.

The AQ is particularly sensitive in distinguishing between autistic and non-autistic adult females, as 92.3% of autistic females scored 32 or higher (compared to 1% of the control group).

Do note that no single test is conclusive, and not every autistic person necessarily scores above the defined threshold on each test. If you score low on the AQ but still think you could be autistic, try taking a few other autism tests.

1. I prefer to do things with others rather than on my own.

Well, I work alone, and need quiet, solitude, and privacy to complete tasks. Including hobbies, like if someone is around when I'm trying to make art, I get anxious and distracted. If someone is on the same page as me, focusing on the same thing, and participating together (not just talking and ignoring the task at hand,) I'm happy. As for things I have trauma around, like going somewhere alone that I've been harassed or assaulted before, I need a partner.So I guess I'll say slightly disagree?

2. I prefer to do things the same way over and over again.

Like what? I'm so bad with being asked vague questions on the spot. I need details, I can't always think up relevant examples on my own. I literally have no idea what this is referring to.

3. If I try to imagine something, I find it very easy to create a picture in my mind.

Definitely agree.

4. I frequently get so strongly absorbed in one thing, I lose sight of other things.

Definitely agree.

5. I often notice small sounds when others do not.

Definitely agree.

6. I usually notice car number plates or similar strings of information.

I am noticing patterns constantly. Def agree.

7. Other people frequently tell me what I've said is impolite, even though I think it's polite.

I don't remember this ever happening. I typically try really hard to make sure everyone is comfortable, not upset, I am hyperaware of others feelings, to the point of having to ask clarifying questions to be sure things are okay. So, I'm typically very cautious with what I say.

Outside of that, there are situational behaviors I have been told are rude, or social conventions I don't subscribe to, so they fly past my radar for "things that could make someone uncomfortable." Those things I'm like, wait, why is that inappropriate, that doesn't make any sense.

8. When reading a story, I can easily imagine what the characters might look like.

I don't always find that to be necessary information, but as stated before, if I wanted to I can create images in my mind. Usually if I'm curious I'll just google what they look like lol.

9. I am fascinated by dates.

Uh, yeah, huge astrology nerd over here, and also love pattern recognition.

10. In a social group, I can easily keep track of several different people's conversations.

So like, at a family gathering, when uncle & aunt are talking about their new dog at one side of the table, and cousin is talking about graduating next year, and grandma is talking about how good the biscuits are?

I mean, it's all just chatter, I just pipe up in whatever convo is most interesting to me.My thoughts on this one are, sure I could if I wanted to, but why would that be necessary?

11. I find social situations easy.

Omg SO vague. If I'm hanging out with my few best friends, I'm generally at ease, besides worrying if everyone's having a good time, or getting overstimulated and needing to take breaks of alone time.

If I'm going to a party with a friend with a bunch of people I don't know, I'll be excited to meet and observe new people, but it's easy for me to feel anxious, like an outsider, and I quickly want to leave lol. This is where drinking has come in for me.

12. I tend to notice details others do not.

I have been told this a few times, yes.

13, I would rather go to a library than a party.

No, I get anxious when I could possibly be cornered alone in an isolated and quiet place where I can't easily run to safety of others.

I would rather read at home by myself than go to a library, and would rather be at a party with people I feel safe around than to one with strangers.

14. I find making up stories easy.

Yes, I have an active imagination.

15. I find myself drawn more strongly to people than things.

Is this asking like, do you go to the theater because you want to see the movie, or do you go because you want to spend time with the person you go with? Well those are two separate things for me, and would be a dual benefit combining them.

Is it asking, would I rather stay home and play video games, or go hang out with friends? I'd rather play games cuz socializing is both under and overstimulating.

 I just don't really understand this question.

16. I tend to have very strong interests which I get upset about if I can't pursue.

Why wouldn't I be able to pursue them? My brain is going to examples like, going to a family gathering and having to sit at a table quietly and do forced conversation for 2 hours instead of being able to do activities while talking. My family is likely all ND, so no one chastises me if I am drawing at the dinner table while conversing.

My other thought is, school. Yeah I hated school because I wanted to be doing things I cared about, instead of being forced to sit quietly and do things I found pointless.

And, work. I get frustrated when I have so many boring tasks I have to complete, when all I want to be doing is focusing on whatever hobby I'm obsessed with that week. But, I am known to give in to distraction constantly.

17. I enjoy social chit-chat

It depends. I hate being asked what I've been up to, what my plans are for the weekend, I don't like being put on the spot. But if someone else is trying to make small talk, I'm much comfier asking the questions. If the other person obviously wants to talk about that stuff more than I do, I'm happy to let them share lol, and feel like I'm good at asking questions to get to know a person.

Idk if I'd go as far to say I enjoy it, it's kinda more just a "fill the awkward space of us having to have this interaction."

18. When I talk, it isn't always easy for others to get a word in edgeways.

Uh this one is hard bc almost everyone in my life is ND lol. Everyone is annoying and talks a lot and talks over each other and rambles on forever. I have been known to rant as well.

19. I am fascinated by numbers.

Didn't we go over this like 2x already? Hell yeah I love numbers.

20. When I'm reading a story, I find it difficult to work out the characters' intentions.

I don't really read fiction, but I watch a lot of films. I can predict what will happen because I've seen sooo many films and use pattern recognition. I also feel really intense empathy, so I easily relate to characters who go through things I've been through, or are experiencing pain or joy how I have, and I think about what I've done in past situations.

If it's a character I don't relate to, I pull up similar characters I've observed in the past, and go over their archetype in my head, and then can try to predict what they will do.

21. I don't particularly enjoy reading fiction.

I somewhat enjoy it, but I'd rather read someone's memoir and hear from their own words what their life is like, or learn about science or history in the real world.

I'll add films into this as well to make the q fit better. I do love fictional films, even fantastical genre's like horror, monsters, science fiction, so yes, I suppose I do like fiction.

22. I find it hard to make new friends.

I was in a discussion a while ago on Twitter about friends. Myself and others were coming to the realization that acquaintances aren't friends?? So this is confusing to me. I have an easy time approaching others, especially others who seem kinda like outsiders as well (people standing alone, looking around, probably feeling anxious like me that they don't have a "person" or group to feel secure and included in.)

I have made sooo many friends over the years because I love the stimulation of getting to know someone new. But close friends? Actual friends who text me regularly and we actually hang out? Yeah that’s incredibly hard, and not something I really want from more than the few people I’ve known for years. That level of intimacy and commitment is overstimulating.

23. I notice patterns in things all the time.

Yeaaaaa boyyeee I love me some patterns.

24. I would rather go to the theatre than a museum.

Wut? I mean depends on what kinda theatre and what kinda museum! I’m interpreting this as, go somewhere loud and noisy where you have to sit quietly, vs somewhere you still have to be quiet but you can walk around. I can’t sit quietly for 2 hours, so museum it is.

25. It does not upset me if my daily routine is disturbed.

I hate surprises lol. I have to plan everything out otherwise I get flustered. Please don’t spring things on me or ask me to do something in 2 hours.

26. I frequently find I don’t know how to keep a conversation going.

Idk as I said I’m good at asking people questions, but sometimes my brain freezes up. I really don’t like being the one “interrogated” though lol. I like situations with clear guidelines, like in therapy, I can talk and talk because we are talking about me lol and that’s something I know best.

I feel like I know general questions to ask to get through different scenarios, for example, I was nervous the first time I was alone with my partner’s mom when he got up to use the restroom, so my brain goes, ok, ask this set of questions, keep the focus on her so she doesn’t have a chance to ask me something I won’t know how to answer lol.

But then, when I was at one of his family gatherings, and ended up alone with a couple people I didn’t know, my instinct is, smile and be funny or find something I have to go do lol.

27. I find it easy to read between the lines when someone is talking to me.

I mean, if I ask someone if they want to do something with me, and they beat around the bush, I assume they are just trying to be polite, and will try to give them an out like “it’s ok if you don’t want to, don’t feel bad!” etc.

But if someone is being passive aggressive or negging me, I often miss it. I assume good faith in people most of the time, because I don’t do weird manipulative behaviors myself, so I forget some people operate like that.

28. I usually concentrate more on the whole picture, rather than the small details.

Is this like, it’s okay that I’m late and spilled coffee on my shirt and the food I was going to bring got messed up and I couldn’t find my chapstick, as long as I just show up to the event? Or, I have a meltdown getting ready before the event because all those things happened?

Or is it like, it’s okay that this person I have a moral problem with is going to be there, because we don’t have to talk to them and can still have a good time? vs I absolutely cannot be okay with myself if I attend something that someone I so strongly disagree with will be there to potentially cause me to get worked up.

I guess maybe I’m a details guy?

29. I’m not very good at remembering phone numbers.

I feel like this question is outdated. I haven’t even looked at a person’s phone number in years since smart phones became the norm. Let’s change it to something like, birthdays? I’m good at remembering birthdays.

30. I don’t usually notice small changes in a situation, or a person’s appearance.

I notice changes in people and settings all the time. Especially if it effects me sensory-wise, like a lighting change, a new sound, or smell.

31. I know how to tell if someone listening to me is getting bored.

Idk, I don’t know if I give myself a chance. I take away the possibility of me getting rejected by giving people an out before then. I make myself limit time on things I want to focus on, or space I’m taking up, and always tell people to just tell me when they are ready for me to leave. And just preemptively do so if I get too anxious that they might not want to hurt my feelings.

32. I find it easy to do more than one thing at once.

Not really? I have ADHD so I’m easily distracted. I come up with systems and strategies to multi-task when I have to, I kinda gamify it. But, an example I’m thinking is like, watching a movie while I’m trying to work on something, or listen to a podcast when I’m taking a walk, I don’t absorb that info great.

33. When I talk on the phone, I’m not sure when it’s my turn to speak.

Talk on the phone, lol. I don’t do that for pleasure. If I’m making a necessary call like for an appointment, I rehearse what I’m going to say ahead of time, or I’ve done it so many times I have the process memorized.

34. I enjoy doing things spontaneously.

No, lol. Too many variables, I need plans I can think out and prepare for.

35. I am often the last to understand the point of a joke.

Sometimes. Sometimes I have to ask for it to be explained, especially if it’s different from my usual sense of humor.

36. I find it easy to work out what someone is thinking or feeling just by looking at their face.

Again, I’m hypersensitive to people’s feelings, so I seek reassurance often, constantly scanning body language and verbal cues.

37. If there is an interruption, I can switch back to what I was doing very quickly.

It depends on how invested in what I’m doing. If it’s something I have been putting off because it’s difficult, and someone interrupts me, I get flustered and irritated. I usually just tell people not to interrupt me when I truly need to avoid distraction.

If someone interrupts me when I’m talking, it can be hard to continue.

38. I am good at social chit-chat.

Didn’t we go over this? I said I don’t necessarily enjoy it, but I am okay at it.

39. People often tell me I keep going on and on about the same thing.

I wouldn’t dare, lol.

40. When I was young, I used to enjoy playing games involving pretending with other children.

Sure, we would play pretend family or school, or make up stories with toys.

41. I like to collect information about categories of things.

YES, yes, so much yes. I love collecting and cataloguing things, I fucking love making lists lol.

42. I find it difficult to imagine what it would be like to be someone else.

No, I love putting myself in others shoes. It’s part of what I like about social media, memoirs, documentaries. It makes me feel more connected to the world to imagine myself in someone else’s life, and see how similar we all are, but with different circumstances.

43. I like to plan any activities I participate in carefully.

Absolutely. That’s my role. I’m the planner.

44. I enjoy social occasions.

It truly depends, as I’ve stated above. I have a lot of conditions that go into it being a good time, but when my conditions are met, and I have the freedom to come and go as I please, I enjoy socializing with nice people.

If it’s with people I feel like an outsider with, no thanks. I’ll grin and bare it, fake it till I make it outta there.

45. I find it difficult to work out people’s intentions.

This just isn’t something I think about, and I have been burned for it in the past.

46. New situations make me anxious.

Yes. I need to know all the details so I can create a model of it in my mind, and go over all possible scenarios and how I will react to them in a way that doesn’t make me lose it with uncomfortableness.

47. I enjoy meeting new people.

This comes down to consent. I used to meet new people from the internet constantly pre-pandemic. I knew I wanted to meet them because we had xyz in common, and I knew the circumstances we’d be meeting in. I loved meeting people when I was in the party scene.

When it’s people who might judge me or think I’m too weird to be included, I’d rather just pass. Over the years I’ve realized I haven’t always recognized when people think I’m too weird to be there. I was blissfully ignorant, just being this nice, friendly person, then come to find out they thought I didn’t fit in.

48. I am a good diplomat.

Sure, I want everyone to be happy and feel included and seen.

49. I’m not very good at remembering people’s birthdays.

Oh oops I used that for the phone number Q lol. Yeah I remember childhood friends bdays, and my childhood dogs bdays. Always been good at that.

50. I find it easy to play games with children that involve pretending.

I haven’t been around children hardly at all since I was one, but sure.

[tjsplace]

aug 26

4.55 pm

i can't stop listening to the same ep over and over again today. boy by luke hemmings. it fits the mood. i haven't been super depressed, but i've been sick with a cold. it's super annoying and of course because of my fibromyalgia, it hurts me more than other people. but whatever. today therapy was rough though. i made the exercise of recalling all the traumatizing events that led to my first suicide attempt. i cried, so much. it felt like i had a whirlwind inside my head and i couldn't see clearly. i felt like a horse with blinkers. yesterday i was sad because i felt like a failure in my career. my mom told me over and over again i'm talented. i wanna believe her. but what if i'm not? what if i'm not all the things she says i am? i'm not obsessive with music production. am i? i literally have no idea. it's because i spend maybe 1 to 2 hours a day on ableton. sometimes. a few times a week. sometimes every day. it depends on what i have to do. but i don't know, it doesn't feel like a hobby yet. it feels like work. because i'm not talented enough to not get frustrated when my songs don't work. it's the sounds, the mix. structurally i'm good. lyrically, eh. maybe. i don't play guitar super well because i don't practice enough. it's my stupid hand injury from two years ago. i gotta warm up every single time i gotta pick up a guitar, for ten minutes. it's annoying. i just wanna listen to music. today, right now, i'm sick and i'm high. i bought two grams. i hadn't bought any weed in over a week. maybe therapy today was too tough for me. also, it was online. i couldn't bring myself to my therapist's office. too tired. too much snot. i wanna write about leon and salem, but mar hasn't given me permission to write salem yet. i don't wanna overstep her boundaries. i know it's her character. i didn't create it, she did. i wish i could write her in a way that made mar proud. a version of a similar salem maybe. my own perspective on salem. maybe i should tell her that.

6.24 pm

i'm so overwhelmed with emotion right now. listening to i'm still your boy feels surreal when i'm high and watching videos from california. being at the beachwood café. laurel canyon. west hollywood. when i went to the recording studios. westlake, eastwest, sunset sound and henson. they all said i needed an appointment to check out the place if i was planning on recording there. i was like, i'm from chile, this is my last day here, i can't make an appointment. i said only half of that. i went to do that too late. but i couldn't do it the other day, when we went to disneyland and i had a panic attack. i went back to the inn, took a shower, went to an atm in a grocery store, bought a joint. got high, took a nap and went to visit inglewood. it was really cool. then i went to buy makeup at ulta beauty in west hollywood. maybe i should do yoga, i'm all contractured. my neck, my back. i haven't done yoga in ages. my mat is probably all dirty. i'm sick. why do i want to do things that are good for me just when i'm sick? like, what the fuck.

6.52 pm

i'm getting anxious now. i know it when i feel like i absolutely must talk to someone, tell them everything, otherwise i'll lose my mind. i don't know if i got into a fight with mar. shit. maybe i shouldn't have written her long messages explaining why i thought writing about leon and salem would be a good idea. and that i understand if she doesn't want me writing salem in any way. which is totally valid. and now she's not replying, she's most likely busy, and i NEED to talk this out with someone.

[raincamp]

08 14 2023

im trying to get my sleep schedule back from my nighshift job and it's been absolute hell

i hate being alone at night. i miss waking up with the sun. at least when i was at work i would have a job to distract me, but now that its just me alone in a dark room the impulsive thoughts relentlessly intrude into my mind.

everytime i experience one of these, impulsive and intrusive thoughts or intense feelings, it short circuits my brain and I lose my focus on whatever i was doing, i repeat something along the lines of "kill me kill me kill me kill me" until it stops.

this usually helps temporarily for about 5-15 minutes until it comes back in short lived waves of intense emotion. so intense i feel like im drowning. sometimes i cover my face and try to suffocate them away, other times i desperately gasp out for air. usually, though, i cut myself or smoke or drink or scream. anything to make it stop.

im so stressed about everything. theres so much to do, a whole room to pack up, finances to do, my cat to take care of, and now that i'm pretending i have extra time i'm regaining my motivation for my hobbies again. which means its impossible to sleep. i constantly feel the need to be up doing stuff because i fear running out of time.

but theres also a very logical side of me that's been urging myself to take care of myself. yk, doing stuff like sleeping, eating, bathing, taking care of responsibilities. so i feel like im constantly going back and forth between the extremes of getting everything done in time and trying to prevent burnout.

apparently the two concepts can't exist in the same universe at the same time. there goes my bpd black and white thinking again.

please gods grant me with an easily malleable circadian rythym, a natural melatonin cycle— and if its not too much to add on—patience and permanent mental stability.

- andrew

p.s. (yes im writing a postscript for the first time today) my last group session was today and there was this metaphor that my therapist commended me on creating so i said i'd write it here so i didn't forget it

she was saying something about how being effective in DBT is akin to throwing a fire down and finally walking away, and being ineffective is like throwing it on a bunch of gasoline

and i said that in my experience having BPD means that when i think im throwing the fire down i think im throwing it onto water to douse it when in reality its gasoline and i dont realize until ive already made everything worse and set everything ablaze. :')

after i said it i thought it was kind of lame.

i'm really going to miss her. and everyone else in group.

[truc0nfessionz]

i feel really depressed today

i feel emotional. drained. empty. craving.

it's weird. i have the most perfect life, the life i always dreamed about, but somedays like today i'm really sad.

today, i feel lonely. my girlfriend is in san antonio today (where she lives) and the absence without her seems massive.

yesterday, we got in a disagreement unexpectedly.

and for those 2 reasons, i can't help but wonder if i'm putting too much into this.

i can't help but wonder if maybe i should keep more to myself.

i used to be a person with hobbies. a girl with goals, a vision, things to do.

and suddenly, i'm feeling like a lady in waiting.

when she's here, i'm great. i'm 1000%. i'm on my shit. but when she's gone, it's really hard to bear.

i feel empty. i feel lonely. i feel sad.

all i want is to be with her, and i feel like that might not be a good thing.

am i losing who i am?

what about me? the things i want, crave, and dream of?

i need to get back to being who i am - being a creative, being a nurturer, being a pioneer. i want to feel deeply connected to my being, instead of what's outside of it.

also, i can't help but feel pain about the fact that avia is continuously trying to reach out to me to speak. honestly, there's nothing that she could say that would posses me to hear her out. I completely understand that she was in a bad state of mind when she attacked me, and also, i'm not willing to put myself back into that situation when i don't think she's in a better state of mind now. honestly, i don't care whether she is or not.

she's basically lauren. she won't take my silence as an answer and wants to continuously push on other avenues to get me to engage in some way.

but for avia specifically, i will adamantly decline to participate, whether she's healed or not. the truth is, i did NOTHING but help this person. so i don't have space for them to tell me how 'terrible' it was to have been given a fucking shot in your career that you didn't deserve. i'm good. she can tell that to her therapist.

i am grateful to the universe for always removing the toxic people from around me that don't need to be there. as much as i want to scream obscenities about avia and wish her unwell, i'll let the universe take care of that for me. the truth is, i hope she gets exactly what she deserves. i hope that the energy she's spent pursuing and harassing me is returned to her in the way that the universe determines appropriate. and most of all, like everyone else who's ever harmed me, i hope she learns. i hope she figures out that when you spread hate in this world you will always lose. and i hope she relearns that lesson as many times as necessary for her journey.

i'm pained that even though i do my damndest to only give pure energy - to only give love and light - that i still find myself being taken advantage of and attacked by others. that hurts my soul because i know i don't deserve this. i wasted precious energy on these people, and they tried to drag me down to hell.

but i am thankful for the lessons i've learned on them. i don't owe anyone a second chance, a third chance, or a 33rd chance (in lauren's case). i determine when you've had enough of my energy, and for these two narcissistic, sociopathic drama queens - truly, i've given enough.

the energy these people contribute is evil. it's out of flow with the universe and it's energy i don't have time to absorb or entertain. i wish them the best, and i wish to never see or interact with them in any way again.

i also manifest purpose. i seek the signs of guidance from the universe. i wonder deeply if i'm on the right path, and maintain faith that if i weren't, i would feel it and i would know.

yesterday, ivy and i disagreed about threesomes. honestly, i was instantly defensive because it felt like B all over again. this is an experience i've never in my life had, and as i said out loud yesterday, agreeing to be with ivy means that i know i will never have it.

i told her i'm okay with that. and i'm fairly certain that it's true.

but do i wonder if someday i'll wonder? i really do. i wonder that a lot.

i understand ivy's perspective fully - she only wants me to want her, and i do. but i wonder if someday i may want to explore something new, and she is adamantly against that occurring.

and on the other hand, i'm also irritated by ivy's sudden interest in hanging out with her classmates - half of which (LITERALLY HALF) have a fucking crush on her. now they're doing lunches and the movies and shit. like, oh sorry, i didn't realize that suddenly these random 19 year old girls were so important that you're considering reducing your time with me to hang out with them....

yeah, not sure if i'm cool with that.

and finally, my sister really irked the shit out of me this weekend. she agreed to watch my dog, then proceeded to NOT pick up my dog's food and instead feed her some random shit all weekend. which is fine, except for the fact that I AM THE ONE who would have to deal with the dog having an upset stomach after the fact.

literally, she would never do that to anyone else's dog, and i feel majorly disrespected that she would pull that with mine.

i feel fucking taken advantage of on all of these fronts. i know i don't deserve any of this energy, and i want to fight against the slightest notion that i'll accept any of it.

and so, while i'll always carry a torch of light, love and growth - i won't be fucked with this year. i will adamantly decline to participate in spaces that don't have my best interest at heart. and i can't take anything less than that, because i don't deserve it.

weirdly, i had flashbacks about aziza today. i guess this is around the time where our situationship was pretty intense last year. i haven't envisioned her mind so clearly in my face in such a long time. it almost, for a moment, made me miss her.

and while our ending was bullshit, i truly and sincerely hope she's doing well. i hope she learned something from our encounter. somedays, i still wonder about the lesson i learned from her. but i don't dwell on whether or not i should have done so. that would be counterproductive.

but damn, all these little pains in the past few years sometimes feel like they compound down on me at once. how could so many people look at my face, feel my energy and proceed to give me their worst? what did i do in each encounter to deserve this treatment?

if i'm honest, that shit with aziza and with shawn hurt a lot. and obviously, i still have massive pain over B. massive, massive, massive.

i know that the best revenge you can possibly give is to have a fantastic life without someone, but damn, sometimes i want something more satisfying than that.

sometimes, i want to hurt these people the way they hurt me. but i know in my heart it wouldn't make me feel better. i'm not like them, and that's my gift. their curse is that they'll always be themselves, with this energy to give.

please lord and universe, give peace to my heart. show me the signs of where i should be. and support my success in each endeavor i undertake.

[la-petit-star]

Today was that kind of day that seems like I am watching my life on a TV. It feels like I am not me, I am just a character from a stupid and boring show.

Lately I'm having a difficult time interacting with people. I don't wanna talk to anyone, at all. And sincerely? That's scary. During my entire life I've always depending on someone or something. I was always obsessed with something that made me forget my existence and my pain and now... I just don't know.

I don't think I really love someone.

I don't have any special hobby.

I don't feel the urge to achieve a goal.

I don't like my body or my personality.

It's like the only thing that really matters to me is my cats. They mean everything to me.

I'm thinking (like I'm 14 years old again): what if I die??? Seriously... My heart really feels like nobody's gonna care. Maybe for a week. I am tired of feeling this horrible emptiness.

I wanna love someone! I wanna cry of love to them! Write to them. Moan to them. Give gifts to them. Not be scared if I'm making someone discomfortable. I wanna talk about everything that's on my mind, about all my plans, all the children I wanna have, all the countries I wanna travel, all the delicious food I wanna to prove! I wanna tell all the details about my day and not feel like I'm being boring... I want to find someone that asks me more about the things that I'm talking.

I know, I know and I KNOW that I need a therapist and take care of me before everything... but I can't help thinking... if I dissappear tomorrow, would you miss me? Would you miss my laugh? Would you miss the way I say your name before tell you that I love you? Would you really miss something ABOUT ME? I don't think so. My guess is that you would miss the way I loved your laugh, the way that I loved you and you knew that. No, definitely not the real me.

I've been thinking about it for too long, about a year, so now I am in a place that I am just turning myself apathetic. I just don't wanna do my best because I know deep in my soul that this is for nothing. I'm just a lesson, a supporting character, a phase. I'm not soul bounded to anyone and that hurts so much. It's not fair that I have so much to give but nothing to receive at almost every aspect of my life.

So, said that, I know that I am going to lose some people from this point, but I'll not act like interacting was so important to me. I will talk when I want to talk. Laugh when I wanna laugh. Be with only people I want to!

.

.

.

— who loves me will understand my point (or no).

[barondraxxum]

Op, I hope you don't mind me extrapolating in a reblog because, honestly, I have too much to say to put it in the tags. I chose the yes and no option mostly because while, yes, I think the romantic interest role did her no favors. It wasn't the reason she comes off as such a weak character.

I think the biggest problem with April is that she has no hobbies. I know that sounds weird, but let me explain. April's character is completely external. She doesn't have anything going on internally to tie her to the plot or make her engaging. She meets the turtles because she's being kidnapped for being part alien, she continues being their friend because they help her get her dad back, she trains to be a ninja because she had to stay in the lair and Splinter asks, she has romance arcs with both Casey and Donnie because they rescue and then continue to pursue her. She's a passive character, which can get really frustrating as a viewer. Her and donnie's failed crush arc is frustrating not because of its existence but because you could replace april with a cardboard cut-out, and it's wouldn't change much at all.

And please, don't misinterpret this as 2012 April hate. She is my blorbo, and I love her, which makes me really sad that she's written in such a way. There's so much interesting about her. She's being hunted down on a galactic scale. She had to live in the sewers with a bunch of lizard boys. She is quite literally an empath. She has no friends outside of the lizard sewer boys, and every time she makes one, they either try to kill her or get absorbed into the lizard boy friend group. Her Mom is Super Dead, and she doesn't seem to be handling that at all, actually, despite having a therapist for a father. She's accepting and open-minded to a fault so much so that she almost gets assassinated by people she immediately befriends multiple times. (Side note: this is also the reason I hate when in crossover fics they make 2012!April stuck up or judgemental because shes literally so nice to new people it almost gets her killed multiple times. bffr.) There's so much there to have a really interesting character with a complex inner world and the writers just. Don't really expand on her except when they need a deus ex machina magic scene, and it makes me sad. There's so many chances to have April really expand and grow as a character, and they're never seized upon, and it's so frustrating!!!

What would she have done if she had never met the turtles? Why doesn't she have any friends despite coming off outwardly as completely normal? What messy ways does the grief over losing her mom manifest? Why does she wear a sport jersey shirt despite never once mentioning sports? What compels her to stick with the turtles when the going gets rough? Are there any internal or external effects of being part Kraang? <- literally some basic character building questions where thoughtful answers could drastically improve how she comes across.

That all being said, I do love when the Fandom at large really digs into her because if you use a little elbow grease there's the opportunity for a really interesting character underneath all the baggage the 2012 writers saddled her with.

TLDR: The romance arcs aren't the main problem with 2012!April but more so the fact that she lacks agency in her own story.

If you picked the last option, feel free to explain what is was in the tags!

[arcadialedger]

Please note that I am most likely leaving this platform. I am done being abused. But first? We need to have a discussion. A discussion about hate and bullying in fandom.

All online-- I encourage you to read my story below. Reblog and spread awareness. The Dragon Prince fandom especially -- I implore you read my words, every single one of them. The short of it is that I am done. 

This all began with losing and being blocked by a friend because I shared something they disagreed with. I don’t care what you feel about my initial reaction to this (which I’ll explain below) -- I’ve apologized for not handling the situation correctly. But I will not be shamed for speaking my mind and standing up for myself.

Because no human being deserves to go through what I have endured since last summer.

Following the “callout” post made about me by one of, if not the largest blogs in this fandom, I received hundreds of threats, harassment messages, and death threats. Messages and posts telling me to kill myself were also prominent, on a multiple times a week basis for awhile.

Messages from people who were well aware I have struggled with being suicidal. Due to one of their favorite Dragon Prince blogs speaking out against me, they thought it was okay to suicide bait me.

And it worked. I already struggle with hating myself, am already insecure, and being flooded with these comments which, while I made mistakes, did nothing to deserve, drove me to try and take my own life after years of progress in my mental health.  

Mind you, this is like a 200 follower to 4k follower power dynamic. Which yes, plays a role-- because when you have a large following and influence, you have power. Yet the person behind this had the gall to claim Tumblr clout isn’t real.

People blocking and condemning others instantly at your word? Is power. If people read your words and are influenced, or have their minds changed, or buy or don’t buy something, etc.-- you are an influencer. You have power. And when you’re one of the largest blogs in a fandom, you have a LOT of power.

So take responsibility. 

I was hurt because I lost a friend who I had chatted with for months, did a podcast with, and was generally not only one of my favorite blogs but the center of my experience in the Dragon Prince. I may not have been perfect in my words, but when I was asked why I was quiet/ inactive, I explained how I was hurting, anonymously. I was understandably in pain and upset. I had been cut off for just having a different opinion on a matter, for thinking differently. Even though it was within their rights to block and do so, it felt wrong and it weighed on me.

Is that such a crime?

The callout post and previously described abuse followed, lasting for months until later in the year (this began in June, or around then). It also included screenshots of tweets, when this user does not have Tumblr, and they have stated to have screenshots stored up on their computer of my various posts and interactions. This is creepy behavior, and freaked me out. I felt like I was being stalked, “evidence” being filed away for the very purpose of being used against me. 

I eventually talked things out with the blog per recommendation of my therapist, and thought all would be fine. For a little while, it was. I largely stayed off of Tumblr to heal. Once in awhile I would have a rough, tearful night because something reminded me of what I lost, but I would make it through. Overall, I was making progress.

Then? My Twitter got hacked by one of the people sending me hate. For what had turned out to be much. And after they tweeted some purposefully incriminating and bigoted things to make me look bad, I came home from a weekend in the mountains to a shitstorm.

Twitter has a love hate relationship for me and I barely opened the app unless actively chatting with a friend. So when I saw 700+ notifications, I was surprised. It had never happened before.

I began to scroll through, and when I saw what had happened, I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

I had lost over half of my followers and a solid 60% of previous Twitter mutuals had blocked me. But worst of all, I had hundreds of hate tweets directed at me replying to the hackers tweets. Messages had been sent in DMs and accounts blocked, followed, and unfollowed as well.

If you have never felt that loss of agency-- that sickening feeling of words you never said next to your profile-- be glad. Because it is traumatic. I value my words. I value what I have to say. And having that taken from me was worse than anything I had been through here on Tumblr, outside of the suicide baiting (the most direct attack to me and my emotions/ insecurities throughout this entire ordeal). Further, this hacker had clearly stalked my tweets based on some of their comments. 

Hundreds of tweets bashing me, calling me aphobic slurs (knowing I am asexual mind you, as it was in my bio), making fun of my appearance and targeting all of the insecurities which lead to my first suicide attempt in high school, and taking/ editing images of my face and mocking them. This all culminated in a doxing threat-- a doxing threat which made me feel unsafe on a campus I had already been sexually assaulted on. I was once again, after starting the healing process, thrusted back into the darkest time of my life and spiraled into anxiety and depression. I cried a lot overwhelmed by it all, had difficulty sleeping, and felt sick. I started fall semester and couldn’t concentrate on school. I was a mess.

I had once again been condemned, this time for something I had no part in. I tried to example what happened but nobody listened. I had been hung without trial. People were understandably confused, and my entire reputation on the platform, and my page, became a mess of lies, misunderstandings, and more.

If you don’t know the feeling of already hating yourself and being insecure, and having these beliefs reinforced and spread by hundreds publicly across the internet? Of already feeling lonely and unwanted and having the one space you thought you had taken from you? Consider yourself lucky. 

I had a lot of voice actors and creators following me-- accounts I interacted and greatly cherished my mutual with. A handful of them unfollowed, understandably. This online hate mob was sending messages to people demanding they unfollow me, including some of these creators. They had no idea what to make of this mess or what was real and true and just didn’t want to deal with it. Most of the others just stopped interacting with me. @aaronwaltke (tagging so those who don’t follow already click and do so, because he is absolutely fantastic-- he’s a writer for ToA)  who had followed me on the platform, graciously wished me peace with the entire situation after I checked to make sure he had not been subjected to messages or hate, either from my hacker or other accounts. His was the greatest compassion I got on Twitter, before I ultimately ended up just having to delete.

I lost podcast deals because of this with Adrian Petriw, Aaron Ehasz, and Justin Richmond. I do not blame them one bit and would have done the same in the confusion not wanting to get dragged into anything. 

Only to have one of the friends I lost who helped start this interview these very people on their own podcasts. A slap in the face. A zine I had bought to support them came to my door, with the front page proclaiming to “spread a narrative of love.”

I was never granted that chance. That compassion. I had the vultures sent after me with no mercy. And anyone who has been through online abuse and systemic harassment knows just how much it feels like they’re slowly but surely picking at your flesh ( a metaphor I used in one of my old, since deleted posts discussing the situation, and still find accurate), wearing you down until you have no strength left.

Make no mistake, my story is not a one off situation. Many share the same tale of abuse and being driven off of platforms that once gave them great joy. These attacks are coordinated, systemic, and common hobby for these people-- who largely claim to be loving and accepting of all. They are a cyberbullying phenomenon which has risen with the presence of fandom on the internet. And I want to make clear, with current discussions of “cancel culture”, I mean nothing political in that statement. Some might call my experience cancel culture, but I don’t.

It’s just bullying. It’s just hate. These people get off on ruining people’s lives.

And my life was greatly set back and ruined. I had a stain on my past in fandom I could never be rid of. I had to shut down my podcast, took time off of all social media, and most of what I had built, most of my growth, was taken from me while those who incited and/ or spread hate thrived and continued to grow and find success. That was the greatest sting of all. 

I asked the one previous friend who hadn’t blocked me, but had just stopped interacting with me (which I understood and respected, and also greatly respected her perspective, help, and support though this situation in which she largely unfortunately ended up in the middle) for help after explaining everything, and got nothing. They didn’t seem to care, and just blocked me on all platforms. Once in awhile, I would find I was cut off from yet another old friend, or a blog that I had never interacted with before but clicked into, interested. It hurt being cut off, unable to fully interact with the fandom, but I could move on.

That pain would never go away, but I made clear I did not blame them for the actions of those who abused, harassed, and threatened me. I also made it clear they did not owe me anything, including unblocking. 

I just wanted to move on peacefully, but those with the power to enable that did not wish to help. I slowly, when I felt ready, began to be more active on Tumblr again, and once again the hate started up. 

Sometimes when I was hurting, I expressed my pain and loss to my followers just to reach out, because I was sad. I had no idea how to rebuild from all that had happened. This got me more hate an accusations of emotional manipulation and gaslighting. I had no idea what to do, and got trapped in a cycle of needing to talk about it, and getting hate and backlash, but not knowing where else I could turn. 

My doxer came back into my asks, ultimately making me switch schools, and refueled the drama. Speaking up about this got me more backlash-- mostly accounts reblogging (one with tags saying “fuck you”, despite not knowing the full story, and commenting and then blocking me so I could do nothing to respond or get it off of my page. I deleted all posts of the matter, as requested by these people (who validly pointed out they were in the main fandom tags, which I hadn’t thought of and understood), and hoped to move on.

But it hasn’t stopped. I have been beaten down and emotionally bruised for months. I have had my life and safety threatened, my education and by extension life path altered, and lost work (podcast) opportunities due to this-- alongside the irreversible emotional damage from trauma and abuse. My mental health issues and insecurities-- which I have been very open about to destigmatize the subjects and encourage conversation-- were actively targeted to inflict the most pain possible. 

And I can’t even talk about it, without enduring more hate and accusations of “playing the victim”.

Death threats, suicide baiting, doxing, months of bullying and harassment to the most vile degree, which a lot of these people don’t know about because they don’t even bother to read my words. Yet I’m playing the victim. 

And the accusations of bigotry and being hateful hurt, because it couldn’t be further from what is in my heart. I believing in love and acceptance of all. I don’t know how many are religious here, but I found God after my first suicide attempt and that is what his word has taught me. 

I’ve been through too much in life to tolerate this, for lack of a more eloquent term, bullshit. I know what abuse and victim blaming looks like when I see it. And in my 20 years of life, I have gone through too much: constant ridicule and bullying, suicide attempts, sexual assault, major spinal surgery, to just be stomped over and not stand up for my right to basis human decency. 

I refuse to put up with this, so unless I get an apology and some semblance of justice for everything I have been through, I am leaving. I will not participate in a space run by hate and toxicity. I will never claim to be perfect, and I have apologized for my mistakes and wrongdoings. Now, hold those who did this accountable. If you’re reading this you know very well who it was, and I am not naming them for those who don’t. Because at the end of the day I still send nothing but love and wish no ill will towards them.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t expect accountability of one of the greatest influencers in the fandom for their complacency in abuse, threats, suicide baiting, and and absolute ruining of my life and online experience. They enabled this and were well aware they had the power to stop it-- to ask their followers to stop-- and did nothing. They didn’t care-- about a human’s life and well being. 

@dragonprinceofficial, are you aware that this is what many of the fans of your show, which preaches love and an end to the cycle of vengeance, do to others? That this is happening in your space? If you stand at all by the values you preach, condemn it. @staffTumblr/ @supportTumblr-- shame on you for allowing this abuse to happen and ignoring my reports. Shame on you for permitting these people to operate in your platform and for being okay with hosting hate. People have been driven to suicide on your website-- I am one of the lucky ones. 

If you care at all about humanity and stand against this behavior, reblog and spread awareness. Share my story so I may not happen to anyone else. Tag @dragonprinceofficial until they notice and speak out. 

This is my story, and so many others. Make sure it doesn’t happen ever again. No human being deserves to be treated how I was. Everyone deserves compassion, decency, and respect. And everyone deserves a place in fandom. Do better. If you want to reach out to me DMs are open, as well as my email, which is attached to my account. Until this change happens and I am given the support/ help needed to safely function on this platform, this blog will not be active outside of that. 

Thank you all of the many accounts who have supported me, and I am working on getting back to all who have reached out! Your love means the world. You know who you are, and I don’t want to tag in case people come after you for showing me kindness. I am sorry if this is goodbye, to all that have enjoyed my blog. I enjoyed it for a long time  too. I loved sharing my passion for stories, culture, having a space where I could analyze and discuss my favorite things.  I loved getting to share what I had to offer with the world, having fun and posting jokes with my unique sense of humor. I loved interacting with intelligent people/ fellow fans and discussing my favorite stories, offering each other new insights and growing together. I loved the many, many kind and wonderful people who reached out to me in a variety of ways and provided support and friendship.

In the end, it just isn’t worth all of this pain and trauma, and I know when to put my foot down. I don’t want pity, I don’t want apologizes, and I’m not a martyr. I just want my story to make a difference-- to spur positive change in fandom culture/ spaces.  I will be tagging all fandoms in which I have seen this kind of abuse present as well, to reach as many as possible. 

Be safe, and be kind.

- The Arcadia Ledger/ Ryn/ Katie, signing off.

[iwishicanbeagoodpianist]

Crazy Poets Club part 1

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (It's mostly Bucky dealing with his problems and therapy, but there's a bit of romance). There's also a bit of Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers (you know Buck dealing with Steve's absence).

Summary: In one of her therapy sessions, Dr. Rayner recommends Bucky to find a new hobby, at the cultural center (which is open in the evenings, offering an incredible variety of hobbies and activities) Bucky meets some very interesting people and understands that maybe life has moments to live for and to be happy.

Warnings: None for now, but in the future, topics such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, among others, will be discussed.

A/N: I'm not a fanfic writer at all, this story is an original story of mine, I feel that the main character fits very well with Bucky's personality, that's why I decided to adapt it as a fanfic. This could go very well or very badly, we'll have to see. I also apologize in advance because my original story is not written in english, so this is an adaptation and a translation. I will always appreciate corrections and suggestions, just be kind :)

please do not repost my work

Bucky doesn't know which one is worse, the weight of the flyer in his hand, full of vibrant colors, taunting him or the weight of his therapist's gaze waiting for a reaction from him to her latest suggestion. It's time for you to get a hobby James. The words still echoing in the air of the room as, the man in need of a new hobby in question, tries to steady his breathing and his thoughts. Two minutes away from saying one of his typical comments like "beating people unconscious with my metal arm isn't considered a hobby?" but holds back as he looks up and sees Dr. Raynor's eyebrow rise defiantly in anticipation of such a comment. Bucky shuts up just for the pleasure of not giving her the satisfaction of knowing him so well. No one knows me as well as they think they do, no one fully understands what is happening to me.

- "You want me to join a knitting club????" -

- "It's a cultural center James, there's more to it than just knitting, you can find something that allows you to reconnect with reality, your old self, didn't you have any hobbies when you were young, in the 40s?" -

- "killing Nazis?" -

And here we go again, a wry smile from Bucky, an eye roll from the doctor and a whisper that sounds something like "God give me patience because if you give me a bat....." you did it again Buck thinks the one who caused said comment as he mentally pats himself on the back.

- "I understand that your humor is the way you deal with things you don't want to deal with, but this is just a suggestion from me, no one can force you into anything James, things have to come from you" -

But James is already riding the train of cynicism and black humor, which has enough fuel, 100 years of pure spite, to not be easily stopped....

- "...the next step is for me to be put in a nursing home and play Bingo every Wednesday and Saturday with Gertrude and Hans, while we talk about the weather and how our knees hurt because it's going to rain." -

With a sigh of resignation, or relaxation as she saw the time on the clock on the wall and knew that the session had come to an end, Dr. Raynor replied:

- "James, just think about it, our session is over for today". -

Getting up, as he sloppily folds the flyer and tries to bury it in the bottom of his jacket pocket, Bucky decides that today he's going to eat a large pizza with extra pepperoni and cheese crust, from the new pizzeria around the corner from his apartment, because, as the Doc says "no one can make me do anything and things have to come from me, like the fucking dinner I'm going to eat today no matter what", and as he opens the door with a smirking smile he turns to look at Dr. Raynor's face one last time (for this week).

- "well Doc, thanks again for your time, see you next week." -

Sighing, thinking what she did wrong in her old life to get stuck in therapy with what could easily be a 16 year old pubescent boy in the body of a guy who in spirit is over 100 years old but looks like a 30 year old guy living his second mid-life crisis. I guess this is my punishment for being a terrible big sister in my youth. Dr. Raynor replied:

- "see you next week James, please think about the culture center, it's a good place, even I go there sometimes during the week."-

-"wow Doc, I didn't know you liked to knit, and to think that I am the one who is over 100 years old here."-

- "I'm really not going to knit, I'm going to...you know what? Never mind, this is not about me, it's time for you to stop doing this, the world owes you nothing James, none of us are your targets for you to spew your venom filled comments to deal with your problems" over 20 years of career and professionalism thrown away thanks to a grandpa who SHOULD be in a nursing home playing bingo, well done Christina. But his thoughts are cut off by the sound of the door slamming shut. -

- "after I'm done with this patient I'm going to retire and move to Cancun, for good."-

Bucky's only thought as he walks down the office hallway is "well apparently my hobby is draining my therapist's patience, which if I may say so, I'm really good at". He also thinks the new green paint they decided to put on the walls, just last week, is the grossest thing anyone has ever seen, "now it looks like the wall is full of snot and vomit."

"Green conveys peace and tranquility, don't you think James?" says Dr. Raynor in last week's session when he made a comment about the abrupt change in the color of the walls. "Well yes, people will find peace, when they die at the sight of that hideous color."

Let's just say the session did not improve after that comment. "nobody can make a joke anymore because everything is taken badly, what is this twitter????? It's twitter? tuitor? What is that thing called? Well never mind" thought James as he walked out the door while the characteristic jingle of the bell hanging on the door sounded. "my God I hate this thing, everyone HAS to know you are entering or leaving any place" with an annoyed sigh Bucky puts his sunglasses back on even though it's already 5 p.m. and the sun is about to set.

Sunglasses are the best thing ever, no one can see how I roll my eyes every time someone says something stupid, or how I judge them for their crappy life choices. Therapy would be easier if I could do it with my glasses on. "James please, this place is safe for you, you don't need to have your glasses on, could you take them off for our sessions?", somehow, I convinced the doc to keep them on, until I fell asleep with them on in the middle of the session and she noticed after 10 minutes. She looked at me with so much hatred and contempt, after that I decided not to have the glasses on anymore in the sessions, let alone the lady lose her coolness and kill me while I fall asleep again. The Doc really needs a raise in her salary just for having to put up with me.

As he walks through the super-congested streets of New York, stuffing his hands into his jacket, his hand collides with the flyer his therapist very kindly gave him with the idea that Bucky is closer to living in a geriatric home than to solving his personal problems and maybe getting a girlfriend. "I really hate this century" he thinks as he tries to concentrate on the pizza he will have for dinner, well not so much, at least in this century there is cheese crust.

[sk-lumen]

Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen

[suck-my-tomato]

Modern Time Skip; Two Years Later

@quiet-kunoichi​

“So yeah.” Sasuke said while he stood at the front of the little gym, hands in his pockets but a slight smile playing on the edge of his lips. “Today marks my 120 days, 4 months, of being sober.” Everyone in the group started to clap for their young member of AA. “It’s been rough… I’m not going to lie. Some days I think about how much fun it was to go out, you know.” His shoulders popped up in a shrug. “Doing all sorts of drugs and drinking until I can’t see anymore… Sometimes I think about just saying fuck it and picking it all back up, but thanks to this group and some new friends I made while attending, I’ve managed to make it this far.” Bowing his head again with politeness towards the group, Sasuke takes the 4-month chip from the leader of the group. “Thank you, for everything.”

              When the meeting ended and everyone got their chips for their amount of time staying sober, Sasuke headed out of the building and lit up a cigarette to calm his anxious nerves from the public speech he had to give. It’s a requirement for them to say their thanks, talk a little about their progress, when they get a chip no matter how long it has been and it is probably the worst part about coming to these meetings next to the crying part that some of the people do when they go around in a circle and admit to lapsing. He hasn’t been perfect,  he has been going to this group for almost a year now and only just hit 4 months of being sober as he has been the victim of relapsing a few times now. It was nothing major, his relapses, just a few lines of coke there or popping a pill while out with a girl or drinking whole bottles of alcohol by himself alone in this apartment... That is still mild compared what he was doing there for a while, especially right after Kimiko had disappeared after that stupid reunion Naruto threw.

              After Kimiko left, Sasuke all but fell off the deep end. He would call the number that once belonged to her maybe a hundred times a night, drunkenly text it even though the message would never deliver. He’d wander around the city, drunk off his ass or absolutely higher than the clouds themselves on who knows what, until either the police would arrest him for public intoxication or one of their old friends would see him and play mission impossible with getting the angry Uchiha back into his own bed. It was to the point that even Naruto had stopped making excuses for Sasuke, watching his best friend kill himself with poison nightly until they all collectively decided to have an intervention for him and got him admitted into rehab. While he was a grown adult, able to check himself out whenever he wanted, he didn’t solely for the fact that Naruto had paid for the room and treatment and Naruto, as they all knew, was always the broke one of the group. So he had endured it, went to therapy daily for his anger management, got sobered up and then left when it was time to leave. It helped for a few months, then something would trigger an episode and he’d go on a binger again. Off and on from being sober for a few weeks, going to his meetings then he might smell the same perfume she would wear and off to the alleys to pick up he’d go.

              “Sasuke!” A girl’s voice yelled out and in the same instant as him turning around to the familiar voice, she wrapped her arms around his torso. “Congrats on 4 months.” It was Cora, a girl about the same age as him that has been recently joining the meetings. She was here for her own drug abuse, and the two of them had often had moments of relapses together but she, like him, was nearing a good 4 months clean too. “Hey, thanks.” Sasuke smiled down at her, boyishly happy, and wrapped an arm around her waist when she pulled away so the two of them could walk down the street together.

              It would be a lie to say that he was fully over Kimiko, he never was going to be free from memorizes of her but he did his best to treat Cora like she was her own person and not project his feelings about Kimiko on her. A few times while hanging out, or sleeping together, he had accidentally called Cora the wrong name and endured the wrath of that but not once did he raise his voice back at her or raised a hand to hit her like he might have at Kimiko if she yelled at him. This relationship was going to be better; he was determined to break the cycle of abusive relationships. No, they weren’t dating but Sasuke had plans to ask her one day to be his girlfriend just… not yet. Not when every time he hears her call his name, he pictures someone else. “Are you still going to that fighting match with your friends?” Cora asked, leaning into him as the sounds of their footsteps echo on the sidewalk and Sasuke replied with a nod of his head, inhaling the cigarette. “Yeah, its not until late tonight. You work tonight, right?” Cora replied with her own nod and Sasuke went on. “I thought so. I’ll make sure to text you whenever I get there and when I leave.”

              Their conversation continued about the most mundane of things. Her work extending her hours because of the lack of employees but how she hopes it means she will be next in line for a promotion. His art that he is working on, a hobby he picked up to keep his mind and hands busy. The paint he needed to buy this weekend when she was off so she could join him because he knew how much she loved to tag along on little outings. They said goodbye at the entrance of his loft complex, placed a little kiss on the top of her forehead and he watched her walk off around the corner before heading into the elevator that took him to his floor.

              Nothing seemed out of normal until he put his key into the lock, turned it but did not hear the familiar clicking of the lock. The door was already unlocked, he was puzzled by that knowledge and stared at his key then the doorknob for a moment. “I guess I didn’t lock the door.” His mind was sometimes fuzzy, he forgot things and had grown paranoid, but the therapist said that was just a side effect of getting sober. There was medication he could take that would help, but he didn’t want to cut out drugs only to be putting legal ones into him, so he had turned them down. Shoes got slipped off at the door, keys got hung up on the key ring and he made his way throughout his place without seeing anything that should raise any alarms. Everything was in its place where he had left it and not a hair was found.

              “Get a grip, Uchiha.” Sasuke spoke into the room, sitting at his art desk and fishing out the paints he was going to use for the new piece. “You’re losing your mind.”

[malereader-inserts]

Time in a Tree

Fandom: Criminal Minds Pairing: Aaron Hotchner & Son!Reader Summary: “I’m needy, greedy, love me, feed me, let’s be a family. It’ll take a village to make a man out of me.” Word Count: 1,886 Request: @imtheamericanhorrorstory​ “It's a Criminal Minds one, a dad!hotch. Do you think you could do one where the reader is in their teens, and they feel like they're drifting from their dad cause hotch is always away on a case.” A/n: Inspired by the song “Time in a Tree” By Raleigh Ritchie, please listen to this song - it’s so good. I hope I got everything in the request, I didn't add in the request description because it’ll take up too much space but I should have included most, if not all, the points you wanted. 

When you were a young boy, you had a very close relationship. He would somehow try and make time for you, be at your sport games and all your class performances. He entertained your hobbies and encouraged your likes, tried to broaden your horizons but as you got older, your dad was less around. 

And you weren’t jealous of your little brother, Jack, you understood that your dad was trying to give him an equalised childhood as you did. But, there are days were you wished it was like the old times - when it was your old man and you against the world. All you ever do was be like your dad. 

You had to admit, what your dad do is pretty impressive. He’s a hero in a normal world, taking down bad guys and making the world safer for his boys. You can’t fault him for being so busy, but you just wanted to is go back to the baseball court to hit some of his throws. Challenge him to a one on one basketball game. 

You just want time in a tree, where you can have a pace just for you, to relieve the bitterness within your mind, soul and mouth of your father. A place where you could be free. There was a thought that you could make a big thing about him not making time for you, or you could be rebellious so he is forced to look at you, to give his time to you.

“I’m back!” He called out into the apartment, dropping his keys in the table, placing his bag down and kicking off his shoes.

“Daddy!” Jack greeted, but you rolled your eyes and turned up your music so you blocked them out with you’re earphone.

“(Y/n),” Your dad called, but there was no reaction as Jessica shakes her head.

“He’s been like this for weeks,” Your aunt says, shrugging her shoulders, “I don’t know what made him like this. He’s not on probation with his team and it’s not like he’s failing any of his classes.”

Hotch hums, before attending to Jack. An hour later, he was hoping that your mood had disappeared at dinner, however you make no eye contact and whenever he tries to strike up a conversation with you, you reply in short answers and very snappy. Jessica sighs, worrying for you as Aaron was slowly trying not to lose his anger. 

As dinner finished, your dad had stopped you from going to your room. But, the hatred within your eyes takes him a back. It seems like you make mistakes as if they’re handed out on a plate as your emotions got the best of you.

“Fuck off!” You screamed at him, pushing past him, slamming your door shut.

Just as Aaron had came back to reality, both him and Beth had heard your move your dresser in front of the door to prevent him from storming into your room.  You sighed, knowing you weren’t helping solve the problem, it’s almost as if you’re always on the verge of tears all the time because you can human right.

“Teenagers,” Aaron sighs, running his hand through his hair, looking at Beth, “They never give you a rule book on how to manage them.”

You get wound up, from the ground up, and you don’t know why. You pull in your phone into the speaker, hoping the drown out the noise in the corridor. You don’t even hear your aunt Jessica leave the apartment for the weekend.

You got yourself an anxious heart, perhaps why your dad doesn’t want to spend time with you is because you did something you hadn’t realised. The weekend passed, you haven’t had much to talk to your father, only being respectful when Jack was around. Aaron did try his best to interact with you, there was something definitely bothering you however you just couldn’t say it, a week had past that he hadn’t need to go off to another case, a standard office week.

Until, Jess had agreed to take Jack for the weekend, you return home from baseball practice that finished early. You walked in and saw your dad sitting at the dining room table with work.

“Oh, you’re back early, how was practice?” He asked as you shrugged your shoulders.

“It was fine?” You responded, slightly snappy, grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl.

Just as you were about to retreat to your room, your dad finally snapped, “No, (Y/n), you’re going to sit here and tell me what is going on? This behaviour, this-”

“You’re a profiler why don’t you figure it out yourself?” You snapped, in fact this was the most that Hotch was able to get out of you, “I’m not going sit around and tell you my problems as if you’re my therapist.”

“(Y/n),” He snapped, loud and sharp but there was no reaction from you and that scared Hotch, because he never wanted to raise his voice at you but the fact he had no reaction to it means there was something up. 

“What?” You snapped back, “What is it that I have your undivided attention now, dad? What is it? Please entertain me, because if you can’t do that then why waste my time.”

“I just want to know what’s trouble you,” Hotch stood up, looking at you as you look at him with distain, “Tell me what is going with you?”

“As if you’d give a shit about that,” You seethed, “You’re more concern about yourself than anyone else.”

“Language-” Your dad calls you out with a bold voice but you gritted your teeth and gripped your hand into a close fist.

Your chest heaved up then back down, you didn’t shout at him but it hurt more. The low, unbothered tone that came out of you, “Fuck off.”

You stormed away, slamming the door shut, leaving your dad wondering what he had done so wrong in your eyes. Most days you struggle and you get snappy. Fuck all that, you just want to be happy. You feel like you’re swimming against the currents? 

Did you feel like you were in the wrong? Yes, all you wanted was your dad again but you just kept pushing him away, further and further away. Sometimes you really wish you were ten again, just you and sonic and there was no one telling you that you should be more than you are. 

Monday morning came, there was a call from JJ saying the had a case. You stood in the living room, getting ready for school as Hotch looks at you, all suited up ready for work.

“I’m going now, (Y/n),” Hotch says softly as you continue to ignore him, “I love you.”

You turn to look at him, before turning away to grab your bad. Hotch stops for a bit, sighing and grabbing his keys. Nodding a goodbye to Jessica and saying bye to Jack. He turns to you once more, but leaves without you saying good bye.

Ten days, the case lasted. You were used to your dad’s frequent absent. But, your mind was racing, your aunt had told you that your dad was shot during the case. You felt like your world was crumbling, falling apart, and the last time you had saw your dad was that fact you had ignored him saying “I love you.”

He was alive, Jessica had said that it was minor and your dad was fine, no surgery at all was required but you couldn’t help but think what if that was the last time you had saw your dad? You were an idiot teenager, finding it hard to express himself in horrid world. All your dad wanted was to help you, and the thing wanted the most, you pushed away.

What if he had died? What if you had became an orphan. You lost mom, you couldn’t lose your dad too. You grew with your dad being your hero, you’ve seen things that you never should have seen, and said too many thing you didn’t mean. You’re kid, you don’t know anything better, you’ve been lying to yourself too long, been trying by yourself too long.

You can’t relax, you’re too distracted, you just can’t seem to hack it.

You were alone at home, tears running down your face with Jack at your aunt Jess’ house. You weren’t really expecting your dad to come home. He did hear your sobs, quiet and they were slowing down as if you had been crying for so long that you were running out of tears. You sniffed as you lean back into the sofa, slouching and hugging a pillow.

“(Y/n)?” Hotch called out, turning on the lamp on so it doesn’t blind you. He wonders why you were sitting in the dark, “Oh, boy, come here.”

Hotch sits down next to you, opening his arms up to you. You hesitantly move the pillow before letting yourself melt into your father’s grasp. You found yourself sobbing once again, it wasn’t too loud or harsh but there were tears falling as your dad grips you. Rubbing your back.

“Why are you crying?” He ask softly, allowing you to keep hugging him, his arms wrapped around you strongly.

“What if you had died, dad? And the last thing I did was ignore you?” You asked, sniffling, “And all I ever wanted to do was...”

You stop short, pulling away from your dad and wiping away the tears. Shuffling away only slightly as your shoulders deflate.

“You’re always away dad, we don’t feel like a family anymore - I miss mom as much as you do but... I’m needy, greedy. Love me, feed me, let’s be a family. For once, I just want my old man back, going to my sport games, challenging me into a one-to-one game of basketball. I want us to be back to normal  - and I don’t know why it’s so hard to ask.” 

“Is that why you’ve been...?” Aaron had asked you as you sighed, it wasn’t a spiteful one that he’s been hearing however.

“Sorry,” You say, defeated, “It’s going to take a village to make a man out of me.”

There was a tinge of humour within the sentence as Aaron shakes his head, surprisingly he wasn’t angry, but, he was upset that you had felt like that.

“When’s your next game?” He had asked you as you turn your head, perking up just a little bit, “I’ll be there and I’ll bring the team, they’ve been missing you.”

“Have they?”

“Yes, (Y/n), I’m surprised myself that they haven’t seen you play yet,” Aaron says with a smile as you smile back, “And we can go out for lunch that day as well, how is that? We do anything you want on the weekend, just us two. I’ll ask your aunt to look after Jack an-”

“That’ll be great dad,” You interrupted, “Thanks.”

Your eyes soften, you mean it with you heart and so Aaron smiles back, patting you on the shoulder and ruffling your hair. You and him will have a longer talk in the morning, but all the things that needed to be said had been said. 

You have your dad back, that’s all you care about.

[shopkeep-inthewoods]

A bit loopy but doing a vent/story under the readmore. But for those who just wanna see an Aimata doodle playing an alto flute here you go :>

Don't reblog this post please! I may post the art separately again as a rebloggable version if desired. Please view the tags and make sure you're in a good place to read this if you plan on doing so, and take care of yourselves <3.

This upcoming Saturday is my first sky anniversary! And I already have a plan to dedicate some time of me dressing a moth and reliving all of the main spirits and going to Eden. Gdi though Eden/Orbit makes me cry every time unironically AKGDASKKDGD

But especially with 2021 being nearly over, I am proud of myself for the progress I've made academically, artistically, and especially emotionally, even if I occasionally fall back into a rocky place. I briefly brought up in the past how I came to find sky, but I actually found it four months before I started playing, but forgot in the time frame between.

I am not to spill all details to people I don't know online, but I am comfortable enough with expressing that following the untimely death of a friend of mine, I was in a terrible place and developed PTSD. Not only was covid a whole thing, but this unrelated and frankly out of the blue tragedy was extremely difficult to process, and for a while my mind just shut down. It didn't help that since I was at university (completely online), I had zero physical/emotional support with the exception of the one day I came home for a celebration of life regarding said friend, only for but an hour getting to reconnect with old friends at a distance. I developed some bad coping mechanisms as a result that I'm proud to say I've since distanced myself from.

I was lucky enough to have my finances for university also cover for health, therapy included. It took some closer friends of mine a lot of convincing, but I eventually realized that I couldn't do things on my own anymore and started going to therapy. It was super uncomfortable and terrifying for me at first, but with some time and dedication my therapist and I tackled some problems together little by little and made short term goals.

One of the things she had suggested to me was finding something new to love and enjoy. Since one of the biggest passions I had was now constantly being associated with the death of a friend who shared that experience with me, I didn't have much of anything to really sit down or enjoy (especially since I was still struggling with the stress of not getting into the animation program yet, so my OTHER love was built with frustration for a while). Things like a new hobby, show or game.

A few months later while viewing social media, stumbling on my feed was someones video on, you guessed it: Sky! He talked about how cute it was and how you could skate around, and hold hands together, and seeing the previews were so adorable. The selling point was action without words: That chatting was difficult to come by, and so you could only know of the goodness of ones intent through their actions, and that he never met a bad player.

Seeing that it was free and that I literally had nothing to lose since it was just a game, I downloaded it and immediately fell in love. The music, the story, the visuals were so beautiful and exploring was so much fun. The first friend I made was extremely kind (random name Onic, came to know is named Mimi) took me around everywhere, even when I started spam honking out of panic when the glitch was around that made your hands randomly disconnect. I thanked them lots when we finally sat down and they explained they had to leave to eat, so I explored some more.

Even if it was free, just seeing the little acts of kindness (especially related to certain things prior mentioned), it was nice seeing that people would do things without expecting a thing in return. Lighting me up and healing me as needed, taking me away from krill, etc etc all that jazz.

Then Eden! I was scared but wanted to continue on, panicked when I went further than I wanted due to an accident. I tried super hard to get out of it before realizing I was probably meant to die, but I didn't like the idea of it still. My first time going through orbit, as I imagine others, is something I wish I could forget to re-experience again. Especially "Heaven", the last part of it all before you restart the game. I go there once in a while and sit there for hours to listen to the first part of the music there. It's so calm and accepting and this state of "you made it this far and it's all been worth it. Rest now".

It made me wonder if it was as beautiful and welcoming for my friend, as cheesy as it is to think that. The game was not only an experience on my own, but being able to make connections with my personal experiences only made it all the more immersive and genuine.

I am a bit in a lower place again atm, even if it's not the lowest I've been, and I've been juggling the concept of going back to therapy, and if my old therapist is still there, going to her again. But it's just as terrifying as before if not more-so. I at the very least got through the hardest of my finals so I can breathe and do things for myself at a bit more of my own pace for a few days. Maybe I can get some courage built up in the time (probably not. But that's okay too). I've come to know myself better and to let myself feel things and work things out as I need. Life's life and just being the best we can be for ourselves and others is my number one priority over anything else.

Even if I have criticisms of how Sky is now, the community has been a blessing in numerous ways. You're allowed to criticize what you love because you believe in something better. It's been nice, and to be the person to help out so many new players like those before did for me is a great honor, even if it's just a simple game. Sky's a pretty cool game with some pretty cool people <3.

I didn't realize how long this would get oh geez...deffo gonna end it here cause my head is pounding and I've been feeling weird the last few days. Have a good night and thank you.

[my-brothers-corrupted]

It's okay to talk about how hurting you are, Jackie. You came out of it with scars and trauma too. You're not alone in your pain, and JJ and you have been through the ringer and pulled back again. It's okay to acknowledge that it hurts. Not everything is okay, but that's okay.

Jackie purses his mouth before sticking another handful of nachos in it.

"I'm just taking guesses here," says Bowlan. "But the only reason I'm bringing it all up is because I expect that the pair of you need some medical attention as well."

Blue and Jackie exchange sulking looks. Blue sips at his fizzy drink.

Bowlan sighs.

"Okay. Let's talk Kayden."

"Please," mumbles Blue.

"Schizophrenia is one thing. There are ways we can work on handling it. Sometimes schizophrenia does not respond well to treatment or medication, but based on what you've told me, I think some behavioral therapy and medication, along with social support, could really help Kayden improve."

"That's great. But you said you thought there was more than schizophrenia going on."

"Well, there's the obvious things - vitamin deficiencies and some other things I want to look into. His bones are pretty brittle. I'm not surprised he has old fractures. But psychologically, yes, I'm worried about other things. Your brother's traumatized. I'm concerned about Post-Incarceration Syndrome."

“What... what is that?” asks Jackie. “Like, what does that mean?”

“No matter what happened to you boys, it seems that Kayden has really felt that he has been alone – and possibly stuck in his room – for several months, believing that this Anti is forcing him to stay inside. So, while Post-Incarceration Syndrome is usually applied to someone who has been in prison, I think it might describe some of what your brother is going through. It often includes PTSD – the reliving his terror, the paranoia, the panic attacks and breakdowns – and can even include Stockholm Syndrome, which, in what I have to admit would make a very interesting case study, he seems to have developed through his own hallucination. Most concerningly, I think that Kayden is demonstrating Social Sensory Deprivation from long-term isolation.”

Blue's stomach flips. He stares down at his plate, losing his appetite fast.

“He has some stimming behaviors consistent with intense social deprivation, including, at times, self-harm, slamming his head into things or biting his fingers to blood. He's deeply obsessive. You've probably seen the way he draws for hours and hours at a time, often unable to stop even when someone tries to pull him out of it, and sometimes drawing the same thing again and again and again. He gets overwhelmed if you talk to him for too long, but at the same time, he seems almost alarmingly desperate for social interaction. He needs to be with people right now.”

“We won't leave him on his own again,” whispers Blue, unable to meet his eyes. “We... couldn't do anything about it til now.”

“All we can do is move forward,” agrees the old man kindly, stirring his tea. “I'm just sorry he's been through so much. And I'm glad he has you now.”

“Yes, forever now,” agrees Jackie. “I promise.”

“But there is another reason I'm bringing this up. Post-Incarceration Syndrome can also include personality changes and a shifted view of the world. In Kayden, this is appearing as learned helplessness and submissiveness, generally ingrained in a person as part of their survival mechanism in an oppressive or abusive environment. He has felt that he is completely at the mercy of this monster for a very long time, and that would make it difficult for anyone to get out of the mindset that kept them alive.

"On the other hand, in some prisoners, it manifests as aggression towards others and more angry, defensive personality traits and outbursts, trying to protect one's self from the abusive environment by lashing out. But Kayden has been mild – and in fact quite kind – so long as he isn't hallucinating a threat. There can also be a need for control and a preference for the set-up of the abusive system even if it was problematic. They're called Institutionalized Personality Traits – or just Antisocial Personality Traits. And I bring this up, boys, just because I wonder if maybe Kayden isn't the only one displaying some of these behaviors.”

Blue and Jackie look up together, and then at each other, sharing the same expression of alarm. Just as quickly, they turn back to their plates, Jackie scraping up his chips while Blue takes a hasty sip of his drink.

Bowlan laughs and then clears his throat apologetically. “Sorry, it's just that you two are certainly twins. I think you must be using telepathy.”

Blue sighs, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “We just... we're here for Dap – for Kayden.”

“If Kayden is the only one who's been through hell in the last few months, then sure, let's focus on Kayden,” Bowlan agrees, picking at his salad.

“I do have some control issues and a bad temper sometimes,” says Jackie. “Hard to keep my emotions in check. That's probably all you're seeing.”

“Ah,” says Bowlan, visibly unconvinced. “And yourself, Matti?”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” answers Blue blankly.

“You're also quite thin, the pair of you. A little more active, I would guess, but quite thin. A little scarred up. A little panicky at times, if you don't mind me saying. Look, we don't have to get into it, I'm not a shrink, just... think about it. About getting some help for yourself.”

Blue turns away darkly, but Jackie's wheels are already spinning, absent-mindedly sifting his chips through cheese. He does have angry outbursts. He does cling to the brother system and relive bad shit that's happened to him, and sometimes he feels so angry at everyone else around him that he just wants to slink home to his brothers and spend the rest of his life hating the world until it stops scaring him. Post-Incarceration Syndrome. It repeats in his head.

Maybe it's a name for the enemy he's facing.

And if he can admit that there is an enemy to face, if he can admit that there is something that's hurting him - well, maybe then he can fight it too.

“What do we do to help Kayden with all that, though?” asks Blue. “Social isolation and learned helplessness and Stockholm Syndrome. Like a therapist, okay, sure. But what do we do? As his family?”

“I think it will be really good for him to be living with someone again,” Bowlan encourages. “Keeping him company, providing him with the social stimulation he's been missing. Just helping him live again, you know? He needs hobbies other than drawing for fourteen hours a day. Needs to get out of the house, to meet people, to remember who he was before all this. Help him make his own decisions and give him power in his life again so he doesn't think he just has to lie down and let this all happen to him. Respecting his choices is going to be key here. I've been watching you two – I know you want to take care of him. But you will need to be able to let him decide how to take care of himself too once he's feeling a little more stable. Otherwise you'll just become the new boss to him.”

Blue nods. He supposes that's what the cameras said too. Tearing down the big brother system. Treating Dapper like an equal. In the abstract, it all makes sense. He just needs to start applying it. Harder than it sounds, but... necessary. Vital, even. Shit, this is going to be difficult.

"Do you have any questions for me?" asks the doctor.