#therapist harry fic

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Wonderful World - Part 1

Hello friends, part 1 is here! This one is long, but it is setting the scene to show where each character is at as this story begins. I really hope you guys like it! And again, it's just starting to be developed so if there is anything that you'd like to see happen in the story please let me know, I'd love to hear your feedback and suggestions!

Learn more about the premise of the story, see main (original) character mood boards, and character casting HERE

Warnings: Brief mentions of suicide and depression

WC: 11.3k

“Alright, alright! Listen up!” Diana’s voice carried above the rest of the voices as her class continued chattering as the class period came to an end, “Before you go, I know it’s only our second week back, but I will remind you of the paper you have due in 2 weeks!” She called over the commotion, “Dos paginas, completamente en Español, sobre sus carreras y las metas que tienen para el futuro!” Diana reminded the students in her intermediate level Spanish class and a few of her students nodded while a few others looked on perplexed, “If you need to hear that in English you can find the information on your syllabus!” She smiled as they started filtering out. She rounded the podium at the front of the classroom and started packing up her things.

“Profesora Beltran?” She heard and glanced up to see one of her students approaching. She taught Spanish to college students and was proud to be one of the more popular professors of the World Languages department.

“Yes, Maddie?” She asked as she shifted her focus to the young girl before her.

“Ummm, I am still undecided in my major, so I’m not sure what my goals for the future are. I was wondering if you would allow me to write my paper on something else?” She asked nervously and Diana’s expression shifted into one of compassion and understanding as she removed her glasses.

“Oh, certainly Maddie. You can write about a profession that interests you or a career you’d like to have?” She suggested and Maddie smiled timidly.

“Ummm, I actually run a small candle making business, I mostly sell on Etsy and I want to do that full-time, but my parents are a bit opposed to that. They don’t see much of a future there, is that something I could write about?” She inquired and Diana smiled.

“I love candles! I think if you’re passionate about that then you should have plenty to say about that.” She decided and Maddie smiled brightly upon hearing this.

“Oh wow, thank you Professor.” 

“Of course.” Diana smiled and soon the girl was heading off.

Despite her win with one of her students right now, Diana wasn’t feeling too great, she was actually feeling extremely anxious today. More than she had in a long while because she would be taking her daughter, Celeste to a therapist for the first time in her life and these were the thoughts plaguing her mind as she made her way through the building and to her office.

Celeste, was her 14 year old daughter and she had been displaying symptoms of depression for a while and despite Diana’s efforts to try and talk to her about it she was consistently met with a huff or an eye roll, which were not surprising responses from a teen girl. But it was just the day before school was back in session that Celeste came up to her in tears and told her that maybe she was a bit depressed. She was 14, a freshman in high school, there were new pressures, academically and socially, and Diana explained to her tearful daughter that depression wasn’t uncommon in her age group and that it was something very treatable and with the right help she could be back to her old self in no time.

It was concerning to Diana when Celeste expressed her apprehension with seeing the school counselor. She said that she was really overworked and that when she first reached out for help in November she was assessed for suicide and upon determining that she was low risk, she was given a pamphlet with coping strategies as appointments were not available until they returned from school after Christmas break. So Diana did what any parent would do and researched for therapists in her area that were accepting clients. It was rather hopeless and eventually she resorted to checking Psychology Today, where she knew she might find options of newer clinicians who were building their clientele and would have time for their patients. She eventually did find one who had a relatively new practice, his name was Dr. Harry Styles, his website was really nice and easy to navigate, and the information provided there made her feel confident in him and so she made an appointment. It was only an intake, if the vibe wasn’t right she could continue looking, but she just wanted Celeste to get help sooner rather than later and well, today was the day.

She checked the time on her phone and saw it was already 2:30pm so she pulled up the intake forms that he had sent and got to filling them out. Celeste had already filled out an electronic questionnaire outlining her symptoms and Diana was just filling out the information about insurance and parental consent to treatment. Soon she was printing the forms out and locking up her office to pick up Celeste from school. 

Celeste was also really nervous for her appointment, which was completely understandable, but Diana talked her down and assured her that the first appointment was just going through the forms that had been filled out and feeling out the vibe with the therapist. Diana assured her that if she didn’t like the therapist that they could keep looking and that seemed to ease some of her daughter’s nerves. After a ten minute drive they were pulling up to an older apartment building and parking out on the street. They made their way inside slowly and right at the bottom floor they saw a directory and he was on floor 5, room A & B, so they rode up to the fifth floor and upon the doors sliding open it was evident that this apartment building had been modified into office spaces. There was a plastic plaque reading Harry Styles, MD beside the frosted glass door with a 5A painted onto the center of the glass. They headed inside and were met with an empty reception desk, but there was a sign on it reading “In Session, I’ll be with you shortly”, so they sat on the couch there and Diana looked around as Celeste pulled out her phone. It was home-y, the color palette was neutral, but not in the way that made you feel like you were in a model home or something of that natural. The couches they were on were evidently new, but the furniture looked loved-on, there were magazines and coloring books for kids and adults on the table before them, and the wall art was minimalistic with positive messages and bursts of color that drew her eye. It couldn’t have been more than five minutes before they heard some movement on the other side of the reception area and then another door close and moments later the door across the room opened up to reveal a tall and very handsome man. Upon seeing her and Celeste he smiled and stepped out to the reception area.

“Hello, you must be my 3:30, Celeste right?” He asked. He had an accent and his voice was deep, but calming - not daunting in any manner.

“Hi yeah, that’s me.” Celeste said standing and offering him reluctant smile.

“Nice to meet you, Celeste. I’m Harry.” He said coming over and extending his hand to her and she shook it politely as Diana stood as well and their eyes met and Harry’s pupils immediately grew in size at the woman before him. She was definitely shorter than him, but she looked really professional and put together, so he assumed she might be Celeste’s mother, but how? She looked young enough to be a sister, “You must be her…?” He asked Diana instead of just assuming her relation.

“I’m her mom, Diana Beltran.” Diana introduced herself, extending her hand to meet his, his beautiful eyes met her own as they greeted each other and she felt that his eyes were just burning into her soul; it almost felt like time stopped for the moment they greeted each other.

“Wonderful, nice to meet you as well.” Harry greeted with a warm smile. As soon as their hands broke contact he clasped them together in front of his chest, “Have you been waiting long?” He asked and she shook her head.

“Hardly, just a few minutes.” She assured.

“Perfect.” He smiled at her and then Celeste, “I know you filled out the online questionnaire, were you able to complete the other intake forms?” He asked them.

“Yes, here they are.” Diana cut in and reached into her tote to pull out a folder and handed them to him. 

“Excellent.” He smiled, “If you’re ready Celeste, we can head back now.” He said and she looked to her mom for a moment.

“It’s alright.” Diana assured softly, “I’ve got your things.” She said extending her hand and Celeste gave her mom her phone before following Harry back into the main space and then the door shut. Now that she was out of sight, Diana felt even more stressed and she just hoped that this guy made an attempt to make Celeste feel heard and comfortable.

************

Harry tried to reflect as much calm as possible because he could feel the apprehension and anxiety emanating from his new, young potential client. She took a seat on the couch in the position furthest away from his seat as possible, which was typical of most first timers. He let her know he was just going to check the forms out and she could look around and then proceeded to open up the folder that her mother had so kindly put together with the intake forms and he paged through them.

Celeste liked his office, it was cozy and his rug was cool. She then noticed a record player on the sideboard against the wall and she wanted to look at it more closely. As her eyes traveled down she noticed that one of the panels was open and that there were actually records in there and she was curious about what he had in his collection.

“Ummm, Dr. Styles, can I look at the records?” She asked nervously and he looked up from the form he was reading over, with a friendly smile.

“Certainly!” He encouraged her and she slowly got up and went over to look at the records inside of the cabinet. She smiled as she recognized a handful of them as she flicked through them. He also had some candle going on another little table by the window that reminded her of her mom’s bedroom, it was maybe the same one. When she spared him a glance she saw that he was still looking through the forms her mom had brought and she bit her lip nervously when they made eye contact.

“Y-your office is nice.” She said as she made her way back to the couch and he smiled.

“Thank you.” He expressed his gratitude at her compliment.

“I especially like your rug, it’s really cool.”

“Yeah? It’s my favorite thing in here actually.” He said excitedly and she smiled nervously, “Did you see any music you liked?” He asked and she nodded.

“Obviously the Beatles and some Elvis.” She said and he smiled, “And your Wings ones, Paul is my favorite Beatle.” She explained.

“Get out of town, mine too!” He grinned and she smiled wider, she was still looking really nervous, “So apart from having sick taste in music, what are other things that you enjoy?” He asked and she started to talk a little bit more about her interests. Harry learned that she played guitar and that her favorite classes in school were Human Biology and choir, and that she was considering joining the drama club, and a few other surface level facts. She seemed a little hesitant to talk about herself though, almost as if she was concerned that she would say something wrong.

“You know, it’s my job to listen to you, no matter what you want to talk about and I won’t judge you, so if anything comes to mind you can just say it.” He assured and she exhaled and nodded, “Is this your first time trying therapy?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yeah.” She then responded verbally, “I’m kinda nervous, I guess, sorry.”

“It’s normal for you to feel nervous when you’re doing something brand new.” He assured her, “What about it makes you feel nervous?” He asked and she sighed and looked down at her fingers that were twisting together in her lap.

“Just…I don’t know…I mean first of all you’re a stranger.” She said and he hummed.

“True.” He said and she shrugged before proceeding.

“And I guess I’m nervous that it won’t work on me?” She said in a questioning tone as their eyes met again and he bit his lip as he listened to her express her concerns over treatment and what had happened with the counselor at her school and it was honestly very disappointing to hear her experience.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you. I understand why you’re so hesitant about this, but let me let you in on something. Whether this works or not is totally up us being a team. It’s my job to listen, guide you, and give you tools to help you get better and it’s your job to try and use the tools I give you as recommended. The only way it won’t work is if one of us is not doing our part, and I promise you that if you decide to stick with me I will always do my part.” He said with certainty and a friendly smile and she nodded, “Of course, sometimes just talk therapy isn’t sufficient or isn’t working as quickly as we’d like and if that’s the case we can talk about medication to help. So if you really feel it’s not helping you can tell me so that I can make sure that I am doing everything I can do to get you back on your feet.” He explained and she nodded along again

“Well, I hope this works.” She said and he chuckled.

“I promise you I will do my absolute best.” He reassured her and she smiled and with that he started to get into the session. He started to explain to her the confidentiality clause and what kinds of things are excluded from that, he went over his role and responsibilities as the clinician, and then they started going over the questionnaire she had filled out, and what she wanted to get out of therapy. As Harry listened on he jotted down a couple things that stood out and his own questions that he wanted to ask and the longer she spoke the more it was evident that she was experiencing some depression. As she finished recounting her side of things he took over explaining what he thought would be the best treatment plan for her and how he wanted to approach her situation.

Celeste liked the way he talked to her and how he expressed himself very clearly. When he answered her or asked her a question she could tell he had listened to everything she had said and was so patient. The things she felt were confusing sometimes and he didn’t push her when she would answer with an “I don’t know”. He was just so nice that she felt comfortable with him quite quickly, a lot of the stuff she had told him about what was happening at school, she hadn’t even told her mom and that was new for her because they were quite open with each other. But once they wrapped up she felt really good and she had decided that she wanted to give him a chance.

“So in terms of scheduling, we need to work that out with your mom right?” He asked and she nodded, “OK, perfect. I’m going to have her switch with you in just a moment, but just so we’re clear, like I said at the start, anything we talk about in session just stays between us. I’m just going to go over some of the formalities with her and answer any general questions she might have for me. But if you would like me to be able to share your progress or any information about our sessions with your mom then you can always sign a release, but only if you really want to.” He offered.

“Thank you, I’ll give it some thought. And ummm, do I call you doctor or?” She asked and he chuckled.

“I prefer my name, Harry, but if Dr. Harry or Dr. Styles is more comfortable for you then that’s OK with me too.” He assured with a kind smile and she nodded and they both stood and headed to the door.

*************

As soon as the office door opened up Diana flew up from her seat and locked her phone. She saw Celeste come out and then Dr. Styles emerged with a small smile and that made her feel more at ease.

“Mom, he needs to talk with you now.” Celeste informed and Diana nodded.

“OK. I’ll be just a few minutes.” Diana said and reached for her bag before she followed him back to his main consultation room. She had a look around when she walked in and when she went to sit, she sat on the side of the couch nearest to his chair as Harry went to grab his laptop before settling into his seat.

“Is she alright?” Diana asked and he smiled.

“Yeah, she’s good. She did great, by the way.” He reassured her.

“That’s good to hear. I don’t know if she mentioned to you what the school counselor said to her?” Diana asked with a frown.

“Yes, she did. That must be extremely concerning to learn as a parent.” He acknowledged and she nodded, “And I can assure you, that will not be the case here.”

“I would hope not.” She said with a slight chuckle, “I have been to therapy myself and I had such a great experience, I just want to make sure it’s the same for her and that we find the best fit for her and that she won’t be pushed to the side until she’s in distress.” Diana explained and he nodded in understanding, “About how many clients do you have in total?”

“I have 35 total right now.” He said, “Of those 35 I’m seeing 10 on a weekly basis, 15 on a biweekly basis, and the other 10 on a monthly basis or as needed as they have already completed their treatment or just need their medication dosages adjusted.” He explained and she nodded.

“Oh, OK that’s pretty good.” He smiled and nodded, “And you specialize in CBT.”

“Yes, but I do have a more Humanistic approach which is derived from-”

“Dr. Carl Rogers.” She cut in and Harry smiled and nodded.

“Precisely.” He grinned, “And I will assume you know what his approach is about?”

“Yeah. I don’t mean to be a know it all, after I was in therapy I got really into learning more about it and did a minor in clinical psychology in my undergrad.” She explained and he hummed.

“Oh, no worries! It’s good that you know though. Especially with the younger patients, it’s good to see when the parents are invested. Celeste seemed to really understand the process today, which I’d like to think I’m thorough, but I’d assume you walked her through it before.” He said with a smile.

“Yeah, she was so nervous, I gave her a little run down on the way here.” Diana explained with a smile.

“Well, it worked! She opened right up once we got past the daunting stuff.” Harry assured her.

“Oh wow, that’s typically hard for her. You must be good.” She said and he chuckled.

“I think we just have the same taste in rugs and music.” He joked and she laughed a bit before looking back into his eyes.

“So in terms of your assessment, what do you have in mind for a treatment plan?” She asked.

“Well, starting out I would like to see her once a week, treatment is typically 8 to 10 weeks give or take, just depends on her progress.” He explained to Diana who nodded.

“OK, that sounds reasonable. In terms of charge, what is your rate?”

“I’m charging $125 a session. I do offer a special for new clients, if you commit to three sessions I use your intake fee towards the third session.” He explained.

“Oh, why three appointments?” She asked with a curious smile and he chuckled.

“In my experience it’s enough to have a somewhat comprehensive diagnosis at that point. And also by that point people will have hopefully learned some basic tools to use in the future. Also, that’s the point where you start to get annoyed with your therapist so a lot of people flake out for a while. And well for the people that just come in trying to get prescribed meds I mean, that’s a lot of work to go through and so they’ll just fall off the face of the earth.” He said with a grin.

“Oh, I see. That’s smart! Is that something that happens a lot?”

“It has happened to me a few times here, the university is nearby so a lot of self-diagnosed ADHD or OCD people.” He said and she grinned.

“Ah, TikTok fallacies.” She hummed and he nodded.

“Exactly! A lot of them don’t like to hear that they’re perfectly normal with a few quirks.” He explained.

“Geez…I don’t think I ever considered how challenging this job must be.” She said and he chuckled.

“There’s more good days than those kinds of days.” He assured her.

“Well, it’s good to hear that from you.” Diana said and he smiled, “Sorry, back to the topic at hand, how much is it for today’s session and do you accept insurance at all?” She asked.

“Not yet, unfortunately. I’ve submitted several applications to be a network provider but it’s been a nightmare.” He explained with a small frown, “But it’s $100 even.” He said.

“I can imagine the circles they must walk you in.” She sighed through a dry laugh and he nodded.

“You would not believe.” He joked back and she shook her head as she dug through her tote bag for her wallet and pulled out a crisp $100 bill and handed it to him.

“I promise it’s real.” She joked and he laughed.

“Well now I feel like I need to check.” He joked back but headed to his desk and pulled out a little iPad where he started inputting that to give her a receipt. She continued looking around his office, recognizing the scent of the candle burning by a little table he had near the window. Soon he was back before her with a receipt in hand and she took it and started to put it in her bag.

“Well, Dr. Styles-”

“Harry is fine.” He cut in and she nodded.

“OK, well Harry, it was lovely to meet you and I will have a chat with Celeste, see what she thinks and ummm, in any event I’ll be in touch.” She said and he nodded.

“I appreciate that. It’s good to know when people decide to go in a different direction, otherwise I’m left wondering.” He explained and she nodded.

“It’s just professional courtesy, in my opinion.” She shrugged as she fished her keys out of her purse and he saw her university ID on the lanyard.

“Oh, you work at the university?” He asked in slight surprise and she glanced over to him as they approached the door.

“Yeah, I’m the newest faculty member in the World Languages department.” She disclosed.

“Oh, that’s neat. I actually just got hired as an adjunct professor for the department of Mental Health & Behavioral Intervention.” He said with a bright smile.

“Oh congrats! What’re you teaching?”

“It’s a graduate course on Tele-health. After the pandemic it’s important to be able to translate our skills through virtual sessions and a lot of people are having trouble with that. It’s a new class. I teach it twice a week.” He explained and she hummed in interest.

“That sounds really cool.”

“Yeah, thanks. Well, I don’t want to detain you any longer, but it was a pleasure to meet you both.” He said as he opened up his office door and led them through towards the reception area.

“Likewise. Thank you so much for your time.” Diana said turning back to him once more.

“Of course. And Celeste, chin up.” He encouraged her with a smile and she nodded, offering back a smile and soon they were riding back down the elevator in silence. They settled into the car and Diana glanced to Celeste.

“What did you think of Dr. Styles?” She asked and Celeste smiled.

“I like him. He was easy to talk to and he’s really nice. I want to try another session.” She said and Diana smiled.

“OK, sweetie. I liked him too, he’s very sweet.” Diana agreed. 

In a few minutes they were taking off and Diana was driving them to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner. She couldn’t stop thinking about how there was an air of familiarity with this Dr. Styles. If his session with Celeste went anything like their conversation went, she was very happy with the type of help he could provide her. She liked that he still remained professional without making it feel too formal or rigid, there was flow and it was noticeable that he really enjoyed his job.

************

Harry sighed contently as he bid farewell to his final client of the evening and locked up the exit door in his office. He then went to the reception area and also latched that door shut and switched off the lights before heading back to his office. He plopped down into the chair behind his desk with his note pad and opened up his laptop to start typing out his session notes from that day to put in the patients’ electronic files. He then got to Celeste’s notes and started to create a new file for her in his system. He needed to scan in all her paperwork and session notes. Just as he was about to start scanning his phone rang and he saw it was his girlfriend, Rebecca, and he smiled and picked up.

“Hey, love.” He greeted her with warmth.

“Hey, babe!” She responded cheerfully, “How was your day today?” She asked.

“It wasn’t all that busy, but I might have a new client on my roster, things went well so I’m hoping to hear back soon.” He said.

“Aw that’s great! I’m happy for you, H.” She hummed.

“Thanks, love. What’s up?” 

“Well I was calling because I was wondering if you’d be able to join me for something tonight? I know it’s super last minute, but a colleague of mine is friends with the mayor’s wife and she knows about my aspirations in city government and she thought she might introduce us. It’s just a little fundraiser for a clinic on wheels, cocktail attire is what she said.” Rebecca explained and Harry nibbled on his lip pensively.

“Mmmm, I have to prepare for lecture tomorrow…what time is it at?”

“It’s now. But they she said it’s over at 10pm. My colleague, Joanne, is gonna be there until about 9:30, but she said to come earlier rather than later as Mayor Singh might not be there until that late.” She explained and Harry nodded as he pulled up his calendar for the following day and saw he didn’t have many client’s scheduled the next morning.

“Ummm, yeah I can make it. Tomorrow is pretty slow, I can work on my lecture then. I just need to finish all my client notes right now.” He informed.

“OK, thank you so much, babe! Is half an hour enough time? I can pick you up? I’m just changing and touching up now.”

“Yeah, that’s plenty of time. I’ll see you in a bit. Love you.”

“Love you too, bye.”Rebecca said before hanging up. He let out a deep exhale before rolling his shoulders back and standing to get the scanner on and finish up Celeste’s file.

Harry and Rebecca had been dating for almost two years. When they met, he was on his least couple months of his residency and she was fresh out of law school and working on the legal team for the community mental health center he would do some of his hours at. Every year they did a mandatory training on the procedures in the case of a malpractice suit or of a subpoena. Since they were a community clinic a lot of people that came through were court mandated clients and it wasn’t out of the norm for the court to subpoena the doctors, therapists, or social workers working with that particular client - it was fairly routine. Either way, that is how their paths crossed and she was actually the one who approached him shortly after their first meeting. Rebecca was bold and had big ambitions, this wasn’t something Harry could see himself being entangled with in the long run, but when they started to date she started to slow down and he figured that maybe her goals were changing a bit.

Because Harry was fresh out of med school and had a little more time on his hands, he was eager to jump into anything that wasn’t school related and when Rebecca asked him out he said yes. Rebecca was smart, gorgeous, and very pleasant, what wasn’t to like. He doesn’t think either of them were looking for a serious relationship when they first started out, but all on its own it kind of became serious. Something that worked well for them was that they both were kind of workaholics, they were both ambitious and out their professions first and they both liked that they were of the same mentality because it helped them not to feel so strapped down. He was always more of a loner and he enjoyed his space and she was very much that same way and so things worked and they didn’t mess with it and here they were today. 

Sometimes Harry did wonder if their relationship was normal; what they had was working for them, but in a way there was kind of a distance between them and many of their friends didn’t really get that. He recalls that at one point his best friend, Henry, once said that it seemed that the relationship was just convenient for them and while he took offense and disagreed immediately, Rebecca responded first and asked Henry if it was wrong that a relationship be convenient? And well, after a big fight about that Harry and Rebecca cleared up that it was OK that they were progressing slower than other couples because they had a lot going on personally and that if it worked for them then there was nothing they needed to justify to others. What did worry Harry was that every aspect of life felt like a routine and he knew that while consistency is great, routine could also be damaging to relationships and Harry didn’t want that for them. He did love Rebecca and often worried that the routine they’d been in this entire time would lead to their slow, but certain demise.

The time passed him by quickly between doing his notes and his thoughts and before he even realized it his phone was ringing again with her name lighting up the screen. This meant that she was downstairs, so he quickly shut everything down and he slipped his laptop it into his lockable drawer and rushed out. He popped a piece of gum in his mouth as he rode down the elevator and as soon as he stepped out of the building he waved as he approached the car and then slipped into the passenger seat.

“Hi love. You look nice.” He hummed as he leaned over and kissed her cheek quickly.

“H, I just did my make up…” she sighed as she flipped down the visor to check her make up in the mirror.

“M’sorry.” He said as he switched on the overhead light so that she could see if anything was out of place, “I don’t see any damage.” He assured and she glanced to him and rolled her eyes before leaning over and puckering her lips out and he chuckled as he kissed her quickly on the lips.

“You’re lucky there’s no damage.” She said as she settled back into her spot, “You’ve got lipstick on your lips now though.” She grinned and he huffed and rubbed over them with his palm as he took off. The drive wasn’t all that long and the event seemed to be pretty packed when they arrived. She did a loop around the block and found no parking so they circled around again to the entrance.

“We’re just gonna have to do valet. S’cash only, though. Do you have cash?” Harry asked and she sighed.

“I don’t have cash do you?” She huffed.

“No, sorry.” He sighed, the only cash he had received was Mrs. Beltran’s payment earlier and that was back at the office.

“Fuck, I don’t want to miss the mayor.” She groaned and Harry nibbled on his lip.

“I can find somewhere to park, you go on. I’ll meet you inside, yeah?”

“Are you sure?” Rebecca asked and he was about to respond, but he jumped when he heard some knocks on the window.

“You can’t stop here unless you’re going to park valet!” The man shouted through the glass and Rebecca rolled her eyes.

“Yes, yes! I’m getting off!” She called back in an aggravated tone and Harry chuckled. Rebecca had a rather short fuse, he got it, he did too, and while he was now used to it, it wasn’t something that made her very likable to people who only experienced that part of her. Harry hurried out of the car to get to the driver’s side.

“Sorry, mate. I’m just dropping her off.” He said and the guy just nodded and she rushed past them and towards the entrance as Harry settled into the driver’s seat and took off down the street. He was able to find a parking spot a few streets down in a residential area, luckily no permits were needed and as he locked up the car he opened up his phone to let Rebecca know he was on his way over and he saw a text from her.

Becs:

Hey H, it’s invitation only! Text me when you’re up front!

Harry sighed as he started the walk over and as soon as he got there he texted her letting her know that he was outside and then five minutes passed…then fifteen…he even showed the guy with the list the text and he said he needed her to verify that he was her plus one, even if it were via text. He tried calling and she still didn’t answer and so now he was grumpy and hungry and decided to just go back to the car and pick up something to eat until she decided to check her bloody phone. Unfortunately, he had left his wallet in the office as he left in a rush and all he had was $5 on his apple pay from god knows how long ago and he was able to score himself a burrito which he ate in the car. It had been nearly an hour before Rebecca called him to come up front and so once again, he made the walk over and she was waiting at the steps of the venue.

“I’m so sorry, babe! Joanne was chatting with the mayor and his wife right when I got there and we were able to talk for a while and I couldn’t pull out my phone!” She explained as they made their way inside and despite his irritation he just nodded.

“It’s OK, things happen.” He assured her, “What were you able to talk to him about?” He asked curiously.

“Oh, just some ideas I have when I run for office as a council member.” She said vaguely because she knew that he had no real interest in that and he hummed as they made their way further in. He was able to meet Joanne and her wife, Michelle, they were sweet and nice to talk to and it was around half an hour later when they decided to go out for some drinks and dinner. Harry was still in a sour mood from his multiple walks to and from he car and he had already eaten. Joanne was nice enough to drop them off at their car and Rebecca agreed to meet them at some restaurant before getting out.

“Babe, can you just drop me off at my car? I ate while waiting for you and I’m just not feeling up to staying out tonight. It’s already 9:30.” He said and she sighed as he unlocked the car.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” She said as she opened up her door and then groaned, “H, my car smells like Mexican food.” She whined.

“I’m sorry, love. I was super hungry and there was no garbage can and I wasn’t gonna leave it on the street. I’m sorry.” He said again and she just sighed as she turned on the engine and rolled down the windows.

“It’s fine.” She huffed as she started texting on her phone for a moment before they took off again. The drive back was a bit tense though, despite that when she dropped him off at his office building she kissed his lips quickly and bid him a good night before taking off. Harry was left to wander back upstairs and grab his wallet before he left for the night.

This was why he wondered if their relationship was normal. As a mental health professional, he knew that all relationships looked and functioned differently, but he didn’t feel awful about things with Rebecca. Just now, he was irritated with her and she with him and they just got over it, it wasn’t anything serious that they were irked about, so it didn’t warrant a long conversation, they just needed to grow up and get over it, like they had. And it wasn’t always this way, they hardly ever argued and they did love each other. But sometimes when things like this would happen he wondered whether they were truly just with each other because it was convenient, like Henry had said, and they had both settled for each other because they got on so well and were like-minded. He knew he wanted more of a relationship but he didn’t know if his relationship with Rebecca was capable of that, they hadn’t really talked about it properly. He didn’t feel like it was sometimes and it worried him that he was just wasting her time and his time.

*********

Diana knew it was late, but over dinner she had a lengthy conversation with Celeste about how serious she was in continuing to see Dr. Styles as her therapist and she was very serious about it. She said she felt really comfortable around him because the way he talked to her was similar to her uncle Damian, Diana’s brother. He lived in Mexico, but they visited each other regularly and since Celeste didn’t really grow up with a father figure he was someone that she looked up to a lot. Either way, this prompted her to call his office and she would leave a message about wanting to schedule another appointment. She wasn’t sure why she was so nervous leaving the message, maybe it was how soothing his voice sounded in the greeting, despite him saying that if it was an emergency whoever called should dial 911 - it was the delivery of it that made her feel a little out of sorts.

“Hi Dr. Styles, or ummm Harry, you had said to call you that. I’m sorry it’s late.” She said and then shook her head as she thought to herself ‘that’s the point of voicemails, idiot’, “Anyway, I just wanted to give you some of the times that would work best for Celeste to start treatment. So, Mondays work, but 6pm would be better as my office hours end at 5:30pm. Or Tuesdays and Thursdays also work anywhere from 5 to 7pm, and Fridays after 3pm as well. Just ummm, yeah let me know what works best for you. If none of these work out just let me know and we can figure something out, you can also email me as I’ll be teaching tomorrow and that may be easier for me to check. Thank you for your time today, I appreciated it, have a good night.” She said and pulled the phone away about to hang up and then realized that she hadn’t even said who she was, “Oh, ummm this is Diana Beltran, by the way! Sorry, I forgot to-”

“Your message has been recorded-” the machine cut her off and she groaned, “to play it back press 1, to re-record press 2, to delete your message press 3. If you are finished you may-”

“Ughhh…” she groaned in irritation and hung up, cutting off the monotonous voice from continuing to speak. She wasn’t about to do that again, so she just set her phone down and continued packing up their left over chicken and rice for their lunch the next day.

************

Fresh out of the shower, Harry got in a t-shirt and sweats quickly before hopping into bed. He lived two blocks away from the university campus, so the house he lived in was originally old and small, but with gentrification and all it looked a lot more modern now and the property had been reconfigured to give optimal space, it was rather nice. It had a lot of character, is what he would tell people. Over the pandemic he renovated the bathrooms and re-invigorated the original wood flooring of the home and even now, he continued with his project on updating things just a bit during his free time. Either way, he was happy here and he found it easy to rest in his space. He reached for his phone to just kill some time before he drifted off to bed and as it lit up he saw that he had a voicemail forwarded from the office phone. He always checked just in case he needed to call 911 for a client or something. So he opened up his phone and immediately played the message and brought it up to his ear to listen…

“Hi Dr. Styles, or ummm Harry, you had said to call you that.” The gentle and soothing voice spoke and he immediately smiled as he pictured the person it belonged to, Diana. “I’m sorry it’s late. Anyway, I just wanted to give you some of the times that would work best for Celeste to start treatment. So, Mondays work, but 6pm would be better as my office hours end at 5:30pm. Thursdays also work anywhere from 5 to 7pm, and Fridays after 4:30pm as well. Just ummm, yeah let me know what works best for you. If none of these work out just let me know and we can figure something out, you can also email me as I’ll be teaching tomorrow and that may be easier for me to check. Thank you for your time today, I appreciated it, have a good night.” She finished and he heard a bit of shuffling for a few moments before he heard the last bit, “Oh, ummm this is Diana Beltran, by the way! Sorry, I forgot to-” it suddenly cut off and he chuckled to himself a bit. 

His office phone had a time limit on the messages and he had no idea how to fix that. He was tempted to get out of bed and grab his laptop to look at his calendar to figure out when he could schedule Celeste so that he could return her call first thing in the morning, but he needed to chill out. He wasn’t sure why he was so eager to figure this out for them. Actually he was…she was striking. Absolutely gorgeous. From the moment they met he was drawn to her just because of her looks. But more than that, she was so sweet and clearly smart, and she was amicable and so easygoing, it drew him in. Harry told himself that he was thinking of her because she had left a voicemail and obviously, she was now stuck in his head. And his mind kept bringing back one thought: Someone like her had to be taken. Just then, his phone buzzed in his hand and it was a text from Rebecca apologizing once again for getting upset at him for the food thing and telling him good night. He assured her it was alright and wished her a good night before deciding to just get to sleep. The last thing he needed was to be in shambles and exhausted for his class the following day and more than that, whatever curiosity Harry had towards Diana ended now. Yes, she was beautiful and she seemed like a nice and wonderful woman, but he would be seeing her daughter as his client and entertaining those ideas of her wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone.

*************

After Harry got far too excited over hearing Diana’s voice last night, even if it was over voicemail, he decided that he needed to set up a boundary before he got too invested in her or developed any type of crush on her, as he had decided the night before. Her daughter, Celeste, had chosen to continue seeing him as her therapist and the relationship with her was his priority now. After emailing Diana back about scheduling (instead of calling back), his day went by rather slow. Harry was dedicating a lot of his time to review his lecture material for his class that evening. His class was technically an elective, so he had students who were interested in or leaning towards only providing therapy online. His class was actually a good number, they capped them at 30 for the graduate students and he had 23, so it was good that this topic had cultivated interest. He did have to mentally prepare himself though to be as stoic and neutral as possible because some of the women in his class were not subtle at all. And even thought they were closer in age to him, he was still their professor and the last thing he wanted was to give anyone the wrong impression and get himself into trouble. He wasn’t cocky, but he knew he was a handsome man and he was really nice, so he just wanted to be sure no lines were ever blurred or that a misunderstanding was even remotely possible. That was honestly his biggest stressor; he had been a bit nervous about actually teaching the students and being able to convey information to them, but as soon as he started doing it he felt comfortable and he understood why so many people loved to contribute to the growth of their profession in this manner. 

************

On her busy days, which were Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Diana’s best friend, Grace, would be the one to get Celeste from school. Diana was lecturing non-stop on Tuesdays and only got an hour break before her final class of the day, which started at 6pm. So now, she was rushing down the street to her favorite cafe on campus, Café Flores. It was a little over a 5 minute walk from where she lectured on Tuesdays, but even if it were out of her way, she would always find an excuse to go. Since most students were at dinner, it was slow at the cafe at that time. She would always order the same thing, the guy at the register smiled when he saw her come in.

“Hey, professor.” He said as she walked up, smiling as well.

“Hi Nico, how’s it been?” She asked.

“It’s slowing down.” He said with a smile and she nodded, “What can I get started for you?” He asked.

“I’m gonna do the 20oz today, café con leche.”

“The usual.” He smiled.

“I sized up, OK?” She said and he chuckled.

“And half & half is OK?”

“Always.” She said and he grinned.

“Anything else?” He asked.

“I’m also going to get the avocado toast.”

“With everything?” He asked.

“Ummm, no crema and no onions.” She said and he recited her order before submitting it and taking her payment. The owners of this cafe were originally from Chiapas, Mexico - the opened this place up in the late seventies and as they grew older their children took it over and it’s such a wonderful atmosphere to be in; it reminded her of being back in Mexico. And this spot was so popular that when the neighboring business relocated they bought it as well and that’s more of the study lounge vibe students are looking for. They were just as, if not a little more popular than the Starbucks across campus. It was really amazing to her how well this business had evolved to continue being around for that long.

“Professor Beltran?” She heard kind of from a distance and as she zoned back in and looked away from the little card with the shop’s story she blinked a few times before turning to her left and looking up to see none other than Dr. Styles who was smiling down at her.

“Oh, hello!” She smiled bright and stood immediately, extending her hand to greet him, “What brings you here?” She asked.

“I teach tonight and ummm, the last two weeks I’ve seen most of my students with cups from here and I thought I should check it out.” He said and she nodded.

“It certainly beats Starbucks.” She said and he grinned.

“Oh, perfect.” He hummed and she nodded, “You teach today as well?”

“Yes, I’ve got three classes today.” She explained and he grimaced and she chuckled.

“I know.” She sighed, “But to be fair this last one is an elective on Latin American art & culture so I don’t do as much talking as I do visual aids.” She said and he chuckled.

“That’s good.”

“It it’s a three hour class though, so I am pretty pooped afterwards but you know about that with the graduate students.” She said and he nodded. She remembered. Harry thought to himself.

“Order for Diana!” The girl at the pick-up station called out.

“Excuse me for a second.” She said to Harry.

“Oh, you can go if you need to, no worries.” He assured.

“I was actually going to stay and eat here, I lecture in the building just around the corner and it starts until 6pm. You’re more than welcome to join me if you’d like.” She said and before he could overthink it he nodded.

“That’d be nice, I still don’t know too many people.” He explained and she nodded.

“Yeah, of course.” She assured and hurried off but came back quickly as Harry was settling into the spot across from her and she was settling in.

“Do you want some?” She asked and he shook his head immediately.

“Oh no, I ordered something as well. But please get started.” He assured and she nodded and went for her toast right away. She finished chewing and hummed.

“Always hits the spot. I haven’t eaten since 11:30.” She disclosed.

“Oh god, I would be a proper grouch if I went that long without eating.” He said and she giggled.

“So you get hangry, I see…so does my teenage daughter.” she teased and he chuckled as he shook his head at her little joke.

“I mean, most people do.” He said and she shrugged her shoulders.

“That’s fair.” She responded and he chuckled again.

“You don’t?” He asked her and she shook her head.

“No. Being a parent often means staving off your own needs for your kids, even hunger. I will admit sometimes I forget to eat-”

“You forget to eat?” He asked in shock and she giggled.

“If I’m really busy. It’s usually during the end of the semester, but I don’t think any of my classes will push me to that this quarter.” She said and he nodded.

“Well good.”

“Yes.” She grinned. Then they called his name and he came back with his own order. He just had a regular black coffee and a capirotada - which is essentially a bread pudding.

“Ooh, good choice.” She said and he glanced up to her.

“Oh yeah? He told me it was like bread pudding.”

“It is! They make it really good here, it’s not too sweet or cinnamon-y, it’s just right.” She said and he nodded.

“Oh good!” I just got this because it looks kind of like a dessert from England and I admittedly got a bit nostalgic.” He explained himself and she smiled; she understood that feeling very well.

“Yeah, I get that.” She nodded, “So have you been in the US long?”

“Yeah, I came over for med school, so I’ve been here about…10 years?” He said, “Oh shit.” He then said lowly as the realization struck him and she laughed lightly as she watched it unfold before her.

“Do you miss England?”

“Some things I miss, but I really like it here. It was a fresh start.” He said and she nodded in understanding.

“Yeah, we need those sometimes.” She acknowledged, “But look at you now, your own practice and everything. Even teaching now!” She said veering the topic into a more positive light and he chuckled bashfully as he reached for his coffee.

“Living the dream.” He said and she quirked her face a bit with a confused smile because she did not miss the sardonic tone in his voice.

“You say that like you’re not convinced of it.” She called him out, which surprised him and he shrugged before he decided that he would explain himself to her.

“It’s just like, you work so hard for something…literally dedicate everything you are and all of your time and resources to it to get there and once you do it’s kind of the feeling of like “that’s it”?. Do you know what I mean?” He asked, an existential crisis was close if they were to continue not he topic of him so he had to turn it around and she hummed pensively at his question.

“Kind of… I mean, I hear med school is…horrific.” She said, “Highest suicide rate, no?” and he nodded.

“Well, three times more likely than our peers.” He corrected her and she frowned, it was still alarming. She had friends who had gone to medical school, a few dropped out because it was too intense, so yeah, maybe he was very valid in feeling like all of that made it out bigger than it needed to be.

“So it is horrific.” She said again an the sighed, smiling bit now despite the morbid topic they had just touched on.

“I love learning and I do love school, maybe that’s why I came back to teach… so ummm, I wouldn’t say it was horrific for me, but definitely challenging…and I don’t know, I was just one of those people that were so focused on school and being excellent in that capacity that I didn’t it as much as I could have or made the good kind of memories with the people around me. Like several of the people in my cohort were married over the last couple years and well, I wasn’t invited because, we were classmates but I didn’t take the time to make them my friends. And just little things like that, that I wish I had valued more at the time.” He explained and she hummed with a small frown, “And well now, yes, I have my practice, but having your own business is very time consuming and it makes it hard to have my own life too, you know? I love what I do, trust me, I would’ve never gone through with med school if I didn’t. I would do It for free! But like there are times in which I wish I didn’t have to answer a phone call of a patient in distress in the middle of a date with my girlfriend. Or have a patient go through that angry at my therapist phase and fear I’ll get sued and lose everything.” He chuckled and she did as well.

“Yeah, wow, that is…intense.” She said and he nodded.

“It is and again, I love to do it and I love to help people, but I’m still new at this so I’m just getting the hang of it. I’m sure I’ll be able to find balance with some time, but it does feel like I never will be able to start living my life sometimes.” He expressed, “Do you ever feel that way? Being a mum? Sorry, if that came out weird, Celeste mentioned that you were quite young.” He tagged in and she shook her head.

“It’s alright,” Diana assured him, “and not really… I don’t feel that I missed out on my youth or anything like that. I wasn’t all that social in college anyway.” She explained and he hummed in understanding, “Kind of also threw myself into the work and well, I had a baby, and well it’s not like I was a 16 year old mom, but being 19 with a baby still makes people look at you differently.” She shrugged and Harry frowned slightly upon hearing this.

“People are dicks.” He said and she smiled at his lame attempt to comfort her after what she had shared, but it wasn’t necessary, that had stopped bothering her a long, long time ago, “And Celeste’s dad? You guys were young, how does he feel about that?” He asked and Diana suddenly looked down at her coffee cup before clearing her throat and glancing into his eyes.

“Ummm…h-how’re you liking teaching?” She changed the subject all together, so fast and abruptly that Harry just went along with it, barely even noticing that his previous question had been completely ignored.

“It’s been great! I was dying of nerves beforehand but as soon as I got up there it just felt amazing to know that I could share what I knew like that. It’s made me fall in love with my profession even more.” He admitted and she smiled.

“Yeah, that happens to all the great teachers I know, at least.” She shrugged and he smiled before digging into his capirotada. He moaned in satisfaction at the taste of the dessert.

“OK, that’s phenomenal.” He said after he swallowed down the bite he took.

“Oh yeah, it’s a classic.” She agreed and he hummed.

“I can see why.” He acknowledged. 

They continued to talk a little bit more, though he noticed that after he had brought up Celeste’s dad the topic stayed more at the professional level as she discussed teaching and the university, and curriculum designs. He felt bad for bringing that up, but he was curious as Celeste had talked about her dad, but very briefly and he had meant to ask more questions, but then they progressed to something else in the session and he just wanted to know more about their family unit - maybe she wasn’t married like he initially assumed. Either way, after the reaction she had, he felt like he needed to apologize for it, but it seemed that just changing the topic was enough for her. Just as he was about to ask her something else her phone started ringing and she glanced down to it.

“And that’s my 15 minute timer!” She announced and his eyes widened.

“Already?”

“Yeah.” She giggled, “Time flies when you’re having fun!” She exclaimed and he grinned.

“I guess so. I should probably head out too, I’m lecturing further than you are and I walked too.” He said and she nodded.

“Then yeah, you should.” She agreed as she stuffed the last bite of her toast in her mouth and they both stood to clean up their table a bit and gather their things. “Well, it was nice running into you. I hope your class goes well.” She smiled and he nodded.

“Yeah, yours too.”  He returned her well-wishes and then they both made their way out only to realize that he had fallen a few steps behind her as they were heading in the same direction, “I’m not following you, I swear.” He said and she laughed; she had a pretty laugh. “You’re fine.” She assured him.

“Well, while we’re going in the same direction I guess I have a sort of question about something.” He said hurrying up to match her pace and she nodded, “So in my field, it’s a female-dominant one and ummm, obviously, my class is mostly women, there are 2 or 3 guys in it, but ummm, some of the women are-”

“Oddly friendly?” She grinned up at him in question and he smiled, a cute dimply one that made her heart race in a way it hadn’t in a long time.

“Yeah, ummm, to put it nicely.” He confirmed bashfully, “I just don’t want to accidentally miscommunicate things or give the wrong impression. And I can’t deal with it as a therapist because it’s a different scenario. In therapy we just tend to confront it directly and I don’t know it that’s the best approach here too? I do notice some of them looking at me in certain ways or just being a little flirtatious with me and I don’t know… I just don’t want to mess something up. Is that something you’ve dealt with?” He asked and she nodded.

“Oh yeah, being a young professor comes with unique challenges and ummm, yeah, some of my students have put me in a position like that too and I learned that when you directly confront it they immediately deny it and then make you feel like you’re being a cocky asshole or presumptuous, which also sucks.” She sighed, “H-have you ever had a client do that to you?” She asked and he nodded.

“Once or twice, but I was still a resident and like working in my fellowship at the time so I had a lot more help to navigate that.” He explained and she nodded, “I just got switched to another rotation, it was in a psych ward so it wasn’t like I was the clinician, it was more 51-50 situations, so I was just providing the meds while we were allowed to hold them.” He explained and she nodded.

“OK, so yeah, in this scenario, if they flirt or hint at liking you just act normal, don’t acknowledge the flirtations and advances if they’re very subtle, keep it professional, set the boundary with your response. But if they start to come on stronger or in more obvious  and bold advances, like I once had a student ask me if we could go out after the class was over and I wasn’t his professor anymore. Or if they bring you gifts,” She shared, “then you can be more stern in reminding them of the boundary. I know with graduate students it’s a little different as they are full-fledged adults,” she said, “but if there are students who just seek you out without reason or are just trying to get close to you, obviously try to keep those interactions documented. So if they want to see you try to keep it over email or zoom, document meetings and appointments on your calendar, things like that. We often think that we need to not have any evidence, but paper trails are your best friend if you’re not a sketchy person!” She explained.

“OK, that is the best advice I have ever received.” He smiled and she nodded.

“I came up with that one myself.” She grinned with pride and he chuckled, “Here’s a suggestion, I don’t know if you’ll need it for your courses, but I make a calendar for my office hours for each class and add all of my students to it, they can then book their own appointments, but everyone else who is in the class sees, kind of like a virtual sign-up sheet. In my experience it dissuades those students who are just coming by to “say hi”, as they like to say.” She said and he hummed, “That is time consuming though, so if anything just try not to let them catch you alone, causally bring up you’re in a relationship, stuff like that.” She smiled. 

“OK. Yeah, I just don’t want them to take it too far and I have to do something more serious about it, you know? Like I get having crushes on your teacher, in Med school I had this o-chem professor who was so attractive, I was one of his best students and he was like a genius, he was about my age now and I knew that he kind of liked me too. There was this unspoken tension that we both just…lived with for that entire semester, but he never said anything about it. He just let it be and then after I finished his class he just kind of never spoke to me again. I didn’t take offense to it, I know that once a line like that is crossed it just makes it easier for it to happen again. But it’s hard being a sapiosexual while running in academic circles.” He said with a breathy chuckle and she nodded as she started to slow down.

“Oh definitely, I’m with you on that one!” She giggled in agreement, she was a fellow sapiosexual and knew all about that on her own, “But I think he was smart about how he dealt, your professor.” She said and he nodded, “So yeah, just be nice about it, don’t make the student feel awkward about it if it’s just a crush. And well I’m sure the magic’ll wear off after midterms.” She joked and he laughed as they came to a stop in front of a large lecture hall.

“Most likely.” He chuckled, “This you?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yep! Well, Dr. Styles it was lovely running into you.” She said again.

“Likewise, Professor Beltran. And please, s’just Harry.” He insisted once more and she smiled and nodded.

“Right. Well, I’m just Diana too, so umm yeah. I’ll uh-see you around. Have a good night.” She bid him farewell.

“You too!” He called after her before he continued walking towards his class with his heart racing a bit more than it ought to. But he was walking at a relatively quick speed and he’d just had a plain coffee with an extra espresso shot, so it was likely that his heart was reacting to just that. It was ironic really, the conversation they had just had. He had too many questions for and about her and his interest was piqued after this. All he knew was that the next time he went by the cafe he would be taking his order to-go, he couldn’t sit with her like this again.

-------

REQUEST TO JOIN MY TAG LIST!**

**Please specify if you would like to just be tagged in certain stories only or if you want to be tagged in everything:)**

---- Tag List ----

@sunshinemoonsposts @matildasatellite @sad-avocado @sunflovverharry @cherrysulewski @angelbabyyy99 @daphnesutton @gurugirl @jessitpwk @permanentllyharry @here4thefanfics

[harryistheonlyoneforme]

just a little taste* (2)

warnings: smut, oral, angst, mentions of cheating

pairing: masseuse harry x reader

masterlist | taglist

previous part | series masterlist

~

harry’s breath is caught in his throat as he registers what’s going on, blinking a couple times to make sure this is real life. after a few moments of baited silence, he’s come to the conclusion that this is, in fact, not a dream. “darling, wha-,” he clears his throat, the words coming out a bit shaky. “what are y’doing?” he finally forces out.

her tongue swipes out to wet her bottom lip before she’s pulling away as if she’s been burnt. “oh! ‘m sorry, i shouldn’t have assumed. i just thought i’d return the favor since you were just so good to me,” she rambles, going to step away, albeit mortified, but she’s stopped dead in her tracks when she feels two hands cradle her face gingerly before his lips are pressed to hers once more.

he presses his body as close to hers as he possibly can, his tongue now fighting to explore her mouth. he’s a bit confused, though, when she places her hands on his chest to push him away a bit. “no,” she states with a firm shake of her head, causing him to furrow his eyebrows in confusion. “if you want it, you’re going to have to tell me you want it, i’d rather have your spoken consent,” she explains, and he’s practically melting in relief that he hasn’t fucked up what he’s sure is the best thing to ever happen to him.

she has a small smile on her face when he nods eagerly, his chest heaving just a bit. “yeah, y-yes. i’d love for you to return the favor, darling. just the sweetest little thing,” he rushes, a dimpled grin on his face as well.

now that she has full consent, though, she’s going to go all in. she steps away from him, just a hair, to drop herself onto her knees, the plush carpet beneath her giving her some comfort. her mouth is nearly watering as she reaches up to free his hard cock from where it resides, and she has to stop her jaw from dropping when he’s fully out and in front of her.

he’s so pretty, so long and thick and wet. he’s literally leaking for her, his cock twitching in front of her as he watches her eye him up. he reaches up with his right hand and runs his thumb over her bottom lip to grab her attention. “‘s it pretty, darling?” he teases, causing her to let out a whine and nod enthusiastically. “y’so sweet, baby, but ‘m gonna explode in a bit if y’just keep staring,” he chuckles. “do y’wanna maybe put it in y’mou- fuck, angel,” he’s cut off with a moan as she reaches up to grasp him and place her mouth on him all in one go, her tongue licking all around the width of him as she goes deeper.

once his cock is lubricated enough with her spit, she begins to bob her head to give him some more pleasure, a shocked moan of pleasure leaving his lips when she takes him so deep that her nose grazes the bottom of his tummy. “angel, fuck, i- y’doing so well,” he’s gasping as he reaches for her head but pulls away as he doesn’t know if she’s okay with that.

she notices his struggle and pulls away for just a moment, still stroking him quickly as she does. “s’okay, you can touch my head. i don’t mind it,” she ensures, not even sparing another glance as she goes right back to work on his cock, needing to taste more than just his precum on her tongue.

and harry just swears to himself that he’s landed an angel, she was such a sweet, innocent thing when he’d first entered, but now he knows who she really is, what she really needs. she needs someone to make her feel good, to put her in her place, to make it hurt. she needs some reprieve from her everyday life. and that’s what he’s going to give her.

he can’t give it much more thought, though, when he sees her reach up, and before he can register what’s going on, she’s got his balls in her hand, playing with them as she still uses her mouth and other hand diligently. the overwhelming feeling cause a choked gasp to leave his lips, his hips involuntarily bucking forward and hitting the back of her throat.

she gags just a bit and so he starts to pull away but she just follows him, managing to get even sloppier. the sounds that are coming from them are so vulgar, so lewd that harry has to grip onto the cart behind him to keep himself upright. how he’s reduced her to a filthy, slutty mess the neither of them know, but they also don’t want it to end.

harry feels his cock start to twitch and his balls start to draw up almost painfully as his orgasm approaches out of nowhere trying to give her a warning but he can’t even form a single coherent thought. “angel, angel, fuck, please. please, i’m-,” she swallows around him then, cutting his sentence short as he plummets into bliss, his thighs quaking and a noise that resembles a guttural groan falling from his mouth.

shortly after, yn feels the warmth of his cum coating the back of her throat with short spurts, and she swallows every drop eagerly. she hasn’t stopped the movements of her hands or her mouth, and she doesn’t until she feels harry pull away from her with a whine of overstimulation. resting her weight down on her heels, she looks up at him with the most innocent smile as if she didn’t just drain him for everything he had.

the smile he returns is lazy but genuine, exhaustion quickly seeping into his bones as he attempts to catch his breath. when he finally feels like he can move without falling to the floor, he takes one last breath before helping yn up, pressing his lips to hers once again. they have a silent conversation as she steps away, grabbing her clothes. he fixes is own and helps her put hers on to the best of his ability, his moments a bit sluggish.

they share a couple more quick kisses that threaten to turn into something more again, but they stop them just before they go that far, knowing they’ll end up passed out on the floor or the massage table, and that’s not a great look for anyone that comes in. she gathers all of her belongings before asking him if he needed any help, to which he declined of course, but he had one last request.

“same time next week?” he questions, dimpled grin on full display as he rubs a warm hand along her hip.

“same time next week,” she reiterates. they quickly exchange numbers and when they’re done she leans up to press one last kiss to his lips before she’s heading out and closing the door behind her, walking toward the entrance. when she passes the front desk with a wave, though, she doesn’t miss the way jessica’s eyes don’t quite find hers, and how her ears are bright red, an indication that she’d definitely heard what just went down.

yn gets in her car without another glance to the building, a new feeling of relaxation and confidence radiating throughout her as she drives home. the ride home is quick and peaceful, and she stops to get her favorite sushi on the way. she hops onto her couch and turns on a random movie when she arrives, digging into her sushi.

as soon as she pops the first piece in her mouth, though, her phone that had been sitting on the coffee table in front of her lights up along with the sound of her ring tone, an indicator that she’s received a call. reaching forward, she can’t stop the smile that quickly forms on her face as she realizes it’s harry making sure she’s made it home safely.

after answering and ensuring him that she’s safe and comfy as she watches a movie with her sushi, the two somehow find themselves in a conversation about their favorite things to eat. he tells her that he knows a great place for pad thai and that piques her interest, never having tried that before.

he clears his throat on the other line. “well, how about after our session next friday, we can pop by there so you can try it out?” he questions, his heart nearly in his throat as he awaits her response.

“i’d love to,” he can hear the smile in her voice. “it’s a date, then,” she chuckles, testing the waters.

“it’s a date,” he whispers on the other end. they fall into a comfortable silence for a moment, just listening to the other’s breaths until she starts laughing. he’s laughing along too, despite the fact that he doesn’t even know what’s going through her head. her laugh is just so contagious. “what’s so funny?” he questions, his smile bright on the other end.

“it’s just,” she starts, stopping to laugh a bit more. “it’s just that an hour ago i was on my knees in front of you with your cock in my mouth and now you’re asking me on a date. ‘s just a bit backwards, is all,” she teases, and he laughs along with her once more.

“you’re so right, it is. but now we’re all in, no going back now, hm?” she agrees and they fall into silence again before they decide to end the call, promising to see each other next week.

~

so then it becomes a weekly thing after that. every friday after yn gets off work, she heads straight to the parlor for a massage and her happy ending, the two stopping by a restaurant when they leave, talking about everything under the sun. every single friday night ends in a sweet kiss as they part ways, the both of their hearts warm and full as they head to their homes. they’ve got a nice little routine going, and it’s fun and it’s easy, until it’s not.

the next week when yn comes in for her session, the door is closed. a frown forms on her face when she realizes, and she has to check her watch to make sure she hasn’t gotten the wrong time. she hasn’t, and so she’s even more confused as she heads back to the waiting area once more.

stopping at the front desk, she leans her upper body against it as she waits for jessica to finish speaking to a client. they've gotten fairly close over the past few weeks, so she trusts that she'll tell her what's going on. she looks over to her with a smile as soon as she's finished speaking, a bit confused since she's usually in the back by now.

"hey, jess, do you know where harry is? i just went in the back and the door was closed, didn't seem like he was in there," she explains, watching as the furrow in her friend's eyebrow only deepens.

"he should be in there, have you tried knocking yet? i haven't seen him come back out," she responds. yn has an odd sinking feeling in her stomach but she brushes it off, thinking that maybe he’s just lost track of time or something. turning on her heel, she goes back to the door and knocks firmly.

there’s no answer on the other side, but she knows he’s in there because the light is on. now she’s worried something’s happened to him, so she hurriedly turns the knob and opens the door. her eyes trail around the room until they land on harry. who is…perfectly fine.

she’s even more confused now, but then a small smile forms on her face when, upon fully taking him in, she sees that he has his airpods in, his back to her as he prepares the oils. he just couldn’t hear her. so she steps further into the room to tap him for his attention when he speaks up.

“no, allison. i won’t be home for dinner tonight,” a frown forms on her face as there’s a beat of silence.

who could he be talking to? as far as she knew, he lived alone. her questions are answered pretty quickly when he speaks up again. “it’s the same conversation every night!,” he exclaims, sounding exasperated. “i will not be home for dinner, and i expect the mess you made in our bed last night to be cleaned,” he sighs.

our bed? a lump forms in her throat. who is allison, and what sort of mess did she make in their bed? yn’s heart is full on thumping inside her chest as all of the possible scenarios play out for her. she’d begun to subconsciously step backward as her mind reels, stabilizing herself at the doorway when she makes it back there.

“allison, please. and for the love of god, could you please stop calling me when i’m at work? i’ll call you when i’m on the way home,” another beat of silence as the woman on the other end gets louder. “so now you’re monitoring my purchases? what i do in my free time doesn’t involve you, it doesn’t matter if you’re an account holder, stop trying to keep me on a leash,” he practically spits, and that’s all it takes for yn to take that final step out the door and close the door behind her, the slam startling harry even with his noise cancelling headphones.

the dull thud causes harry to jump, taking out one of his headphones as he takes a look at the time. his heart drops as he realizes yn would’ve been here at this time, and he has a strong feeling that the noise he heard was the sound of her leaving.

“no, no, no, fuck,” he spits, hanging up the phone and tossing it carelessly to the side as he hops up from the chair. he makes a run for the door, but he’s met with an empty hallway, and so he hurries to the front. the lobby is completely empty save for jessica, who looks at him with a confused expression, wondering why yn left so abruptly. she doesn’t dare ask, though, because the way harry is bright red with a heaving chest is off putting enough.

she wouldn’t have had time to, either, because as soon as he notices that yn’s car is gone from the parking lot he turns back to the hallway and goes into his room to retrieve his phone. his hands are shaking as he rushes to find her number, pressing the call button and putting the phone to his ear. straight to voicemail.

“fuck!” he bellows, hanging up to try again. voicemail once again. he stands in the middle of the room for a moment as he contemplates what to do. he doesn’t know where she lives or works, he only has her number and this time on fridays. he can only hope that she’ll come back next week, but he’s got a feeling that he’s really fucked up this time.

harry calms himself down for a few minutes as he cleans up his station that he’d prepped, gathering his belongings to head home for the night. he hurries past jessica without a word or a glance, hopping into his car and throwing his stuff in the backseat before peeling out of the lot.

it’s no surprise when monday he comes in with red puffy eyes and a bottom lip bright red from all the biting he’s done, but he’s surprised that jess is scowling at him and ignoring him, passing him the schedule for the day without a word. so yn told her about what she’d heard.

the week drags on so slowly he’s unsure he’ll make it, and when friday finally rolls around again he has just an inkling of hope that she’ll show. even just to talk, maybe yell at him. but after he finishes the clients and her normal time approaches, he waits and waits until the parlor closes, thinking that maybe she’s just running late.

he heaves out a sigh as he closes up the parlor, hopping into the car and resting his head against the wheel. after a few minutes of thought, he decides it’d be best to try and push her into the back of his mind, even though he’s definitely run away the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

~

one month later

“h, really? it’s been a whole month and you’re still mooing around. it’s not like you guys were even together or anything,” mitch grumbles, fed up with his friend’s dull behavior. “so get in the shower and get some clothes on. i’ll be there in an hour or so, around 9…..and shave too, please,” he requests, hanging up the facetime call without waiting for a response.

harry just sighs in defeat as he realizes his best friend is entirely correct, but decides to wallow for a couple minutes more before he finally pushes himself off the couch and heads toward the bathroom.

he’s honestly quite relieved that he feels just a tad better when he makes himself presentable again, but the cleaning up does not take away the pain entirely. he finds some clothes and puts them on just as his phone begins ringing once more, mitch’s name appearing on the screen. he gives him a small smile when he answers. “ah, there he is! i bet you feel a lot better,” he teases, but it’s all in good nature as he’s really glad his best friend is making an effort. “i won’t say i told you so….” is the last thing harry beers before the call ends once more.

grabbing some shoes, he puts them on and grabs his keys before he heads out to where mitch is waiting, a forced smile on his face as he hops in the passenger seat.

~

walking into tap and slide, the most popular bar in upper manhattan, harry expects to feel something new. something, anything other than the dull ache that’s seemingly permanently nestled deep in his tummy. it seems as if the harder he tries to push yn from his mind, the more she appears. he takes a glance around the crowded bar and sighs deeply when he realizes that this scene will do nothing to help him.

his friends are already scattering to different parts of the building, seeing people they know or that they’re attracted to. so he’s left standing there near the entrance with a slump in his shoulders, and when he feels a body brush against him particularly hard, he forces his feet to move forward toward the bar. when it’s his turn, he orders himself a whiskey sour and heads off to find a booth to reside in until his friends feel like leaving.

and so he nurses the whiskey for as long as he sits there, eyes flitting around the room for anything that catches his attention. he’s sat there for about an hour, beginning to get too deep into his head when he sees her. he hadn’t looked toward the entrance the entire night, but for some reason he felt compelled to look that way at that exact moment.

when his eyes land on her, in the cutest black dress and small kitten heels that her perfect for a night out, his heart speeds up substantially. he nearly drops his half empty glass on the table, his hand shaky as he manages to set it down. his eyes don’t leave her frame as she moves deeper into the building, not until someone is tapping her shoulder and causing her to turn to them.

a frown forms on his lips when he realizes that it’s jess with her, and that she’s pointing at him as she speaks to yn. a scowl is set on her face and she rolls her eyes every couple words as she very obviously warns yn of his presence. then yn is speaking, still not turning his way as she gets closer to jess. whatever she says causes jess to place a hand on her arm with a sympathetic frown, moving the two of them toward a booth on the other side.

jess double checks that yn is okay before moving to the bar to grab them some drinks to sip on for the night, and he knows it’s so wrong, but harry takes that as a chance to make his move. sliding from the booth, harry pushes through the couple of bodies that block his path and makes his way to yn, who is now typing on her phone.

then he slides into the booth across from her, watching as she looks up with a smile that’s quickly replaced with a hardened look of anger, a face he’s never seen before. he swallows quickly and his tongue darts out to wet his bottom lip before he speaks. “i know i don’t exactly deserve this for not being honest with you, but do you think i could just get a few minutes? i’d really like to explain myself,” he chooses his words carefully, not really giving away any details, which frustrates her.

she’s huffing out a sigh of annoyance and cuts her eyes to jess, who is fully immersed in a conversation with mitch before she looks back to the man in front of her. “whatever. you have five minutes, and i expect the truth,” she spits, leaning back against the back of the booth and crossing her arms against her chest.

she really should’ve stayed home tonight.

"im married," he finally admits to her, watching the way her breath hitches before a scoff leaves her lips. “i’m married, and i have been for the past five years.”

~

cliffhangaaaaaa kinda?????😩😩😩

[writingsfromhome]

Three’s Company

A/N: I tried to balance some angst with fluff, hope I did it right lol. You’re dating Harry’s best friend but you and Harry are also best friends. Until he confesses a secret. I think this one got long but I wrote it quickly so don’t mind any mistakes. hope everyone enjoys it! Happy holidays :) <3

——————————————————————

“Me and my boys,” I wrap one arm around my boyfriend Frank and the other around my best mate, Harry. “I’m so glad you guys showed tonight!”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Harry squeezes my hand on his shoulder.

“I’m so proud of you,” Frank pulls me away from Harry into his arms. He plants a very wet kiss on me. “You’ve worked so hard these last few months.”

“I know,” I take my boyfriend’s face in my hands. “Thanks for supporting me.”

“Ahem,” Harry clears his throat. “I was also up at 2am helping you practice lines.”

“Of course,” I plant a kiss on Harry cheeks. “Couldn’t have done it without either of your support.”

I link my hand through Frank’s and we continue the trek to the pub. It was opening day for the musical I was apart of and it was the first major production. Everytime I caught my face on a tube poster, advertising the show, I couldn’t help the giddy rush of warmth that filled me. It was always my dream to be on stage and I finally had it.

“So this girl you’re seeing,” Frank addresses Harry who is walking a few steps ahead on his phone. “You serious about her?”

“Think so,” Harry says. My heart flutters at the thought of him finally settling down, not because I was jealous but the last time he got serious with a girl was a year ago. Even though by then Frank and I had been going steady for 4 years she hadn’t liked our relationship and ended it with him when he wouldn’t cut me off. I didn’t want that to happen to him again.

“Good for you,” Frank says. We share a glance, having had many concerned conversations about Harry’s love life. Even though we were only in our mid-20s, Harry never quite got serious about a girl. We just wanted to see him happy.

Harry’s girlfriend meets us at the pub, she couldn’t come to the show because she had a shift which she tells me when we meet her. Harry had already told me this but I think it’s endearing how much she cares, she tells me she’ll go to the next one Harry shows up for.

“I like her,” I tell Harry later.

“That’s because she’s flattering you,” Harry says as he gets the both of them drinks. “You’re so easy to win over.”

“You’re just jealous we’re getting along,” I tease but he rolls his eyes at me and goes back to the table. I get drinks for Frank and I since he was deep in conversation with someone he knew.

“How long have you two been going out for?” I ask the couple. “Harry only mentioned you a couple weeks ago.”

“Really?” Natalie looks up at Harry.

“Not like that,” Harry flicks my shoulder. “I just didn’t want them sticking their nose in my business. Her and Frank love to interrogate me about my love life.”

“Only cuz we care,” I shrug.

“We started dating April so…almost 2 months?” Nat answers. My jaw drops.

“2 months Harry? And you never said anything?!”

“It’s my life!”

“I tell you everything!”

“I never ask,” Harry shakes his head and turns to Nat. “She’s an oversharer.”

She laughs, “Speaking of sharing remind me how you all met? Harry only said you all met in uni.”

“Harry sucks at stories,” I lean in closer to her so I don’t have to shout so loud. I tell her how Harry and I had met at a school-sponsored concert. We recognized each other from a few classes. We started hanging out a lot to study and party. How he had introduced me to Frank a couple weeks after we met and we hit it off. It took us another semester of circling each other and Harry playing the third wheel for us to finally get together. Frank and I have been together since and Harry has been our best mate since too.

“That’s so sweet,” she squeezes his arm. “You’ll be their best mate at their wedding, godfather to their child, third-wheel for life?”

“Harry looks a bit pale at that,” I joke but he did look paler. “Don’t worry, Frank will still come over to play video games.”

Nat and I laugh and Harry joins but it sounds forced. He was such a weirdo.

“We always say three’s company when it comes to us, right Harry?” I reference the slogan we came up for ourselves. “We won’t forget about Harry when we tie the knot!”

Frank joins us, interrupting anything Harry would’ve said. We all get to knowing each other. I really like Natalie, and Frank tells me later at home that he got a good feeling about her too. It’s unfortunate when a month or so later Harry tells us they broke up.

What comes as the biggest shock is a couple months after that, on an oddly sunny day in October Frank tells me he wanted to break up. Right before my last few weeks. He doesn’t even wait for my run to be over. And just like that, 5.5 years vanish in front of my eyes.

The cherry on top is when Harry stops talking to me as much, starts making excuses for why he can’t hang out. Even though we were mates before Frank and I got together, he seems to have chosen sides. Those weeks feel like my own personal horror movie. I’m a zombie in my day-to-day and when I go on stage I use up every ounce of energy and emotion I have to make my last performances count. But it tears a hole right through me.

The week after Frank and I breakup I bump into Harry near his work. Well, I actually purposely made an appointment close to where he worked in hopes of seeing him.

“H!” I call out when I spot his side profile on the same sidewalk as me. “Harry!”

He does a double take and then halts, people around him grumbling as they walk around. I pull him to the side and give him a big hug. I try not to let it hurt when his arms are slow to go around me.

“I haven’t seen you in weeks, how’ve you been?” I put on a brave voice even though all I want to do is cry.

“Ehm,” he looks uncomfortable but he smiles down at me. “I’m good, I’ve been slammed at work sorry Y/N I’ve been meaning to see you.”

“Yeah,” I wait for him to give me more. The silence stretches out until he fills it.

“I’m really sorry about Frank and you I…I didn’t even know he was going to do that.”

“That makes two of us,” I try to joke but it’s too fresh and my voice cracks. Harry looks away.

“How’s your show going?”

“I’m on two more weeks and then I’m back to auditioning for majority of my days.”

“No callbacks from the other places?”

“Not yet.”

We stand in awkward silence and I want to scream. We were so easy, why was Harry being so weird? It’s not like Frank was the glue that held us together. And now the irritation begins to creep in as Harry continues being standoffish.

“What’s been going on with you?” I try.

“Not much, still trying the dating scene.” He sighs. “And working. My sister’s throwing this Halloween thing even though we’re all adults. I think she’s trying to set me up with one of her mates.”

“Just dress up like a sexy lamp, no one will want to come near you.”

“A sexy lamp?” Harry laughs and finally, finally looks at me.

“Beauty and the Beast? I saw it online when I was looking at costumes. I felt like I was in some twisted alternate universe where people are trying to be a sexy lamp.”

“Have you seen a Christmas Story?” Harry asks and I laugh so hard at that, it feels so good.

“Oh my god,” I wipe away my tears. “I haven’t laughed like that in ages.”

Harry’s cheeks are pink from the cold and the way he looks at me with pity and sadness drops coal into my stockings. How could he look at me like that? He was my best mate, I wasn’t some sorry damsel with a broken fucking heart.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been as available,” he finally says to me.

“Yeah,” I shrug. What else was I supposed to say? Well what I really wanted to do was get angry like everything was normal, but it didn’t feel like the right time.

We stand like that in silence until he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ears and it must be from being so touch, and friend, starved the last couple weeks that I sigh when he does it. He shoves his hand in his pocket and clears his throat.

“I should get going before the tube is sardines.”

“Right,” I say with a hard edge. Harry could tell I was getting upset but I didn’t care.

“I like the new hair by the way,” Harry says as he side steps me and becomes one with the crowd.

And even though he was sorry, he doesn’t message me to hang out or to ask how I’m doing. He abandons me too, only responding when I message him. I wasn’t giving up on him though even though it hurt to know he had given up on me. I couldn’t lose my best friend just because I’d lost my boyfriend.

***

“Hey Harry, I know you’ve been busy lately but my last show is this Thursday. In case you wanted to come see it. It’s gotten a lot smoother since that first one you went to hahahah…anyway. I left your name at the door if you can make it. I hope you can.”

I leave the voicemail on Monday and hope Harry can do it. I’ve had family come down to the city to see me, and friends show up here and there. But the people I thought would show up for my first and last performance are suddenly just gone from my life. If I could go back in time to the first show I’d tell myself to hold on tight because everyone would leave me.

Between practice and evening shows I don’t hear back from Harry. No text, voicemail, or message anywhere. My last night I get into character with a heart made of lead and tissue permanently pressed to my waterline so my mascara doesn’t run. I’d save my tears for the show itself.

As I secure my wig to my head a knock come from my dressing room door.

“It’s open,” I call, expecting the stage manager or my agent or a cast member. Harry walks in instead.

“Harry! You’re here!” I’m not even thinking as I rush to him and throw my arms around him. He’s slow to wrap his around me again and that’s when reality crashes back down. “I’m so glad you could make it.”

“Yeah I wouldn’t miss it,” Harry sits down on a nearby chair. “I know I was supposed to come to a lot more but…”

“You’re here now,” I beam, willing to put the past aside for now. “None of my family could make it tonight, it was going to be sort of depressing for me.”

“Drinks are on me,” Harry says. “I can’t believe my best mate’s done a whole season on broadway.”

“Right!?” I’m more excited of being called his best mate than doing the whole season. As I sit back down to do my wig I keep an eye on H through the mirror.

“So,” I start out tentatively. “Hear from Frank lately?”

“Hm,” he looks up from his phone. “I’m not going to be the messenger between you two.”

“What?! Of course not, jeez H I was only asking if he’s doing okay. I’m not like, thinking he’s somehow going to un-breakup with me.”

“I saw him last weekend. He’s alright, his new flat’s not too far from me actually.”

“That’s good,” I say. So he really did take Harry with him in the split. I can’t help but push more, I turn in my seat to face him.

“I know we haven’t spoken ever since shite hit the fan between Frank and me. But we’re still okay, right? We were always friends before you introduced me to Frank and I hope you don’t feel like you have to take sides.”

“What? No, nothing like that,” he looks cornered. He tugs his sleeve over his hand, not making eye contact.

“Okay...” I couldn’t interpret his body language. “Okay, it seems like you’re annoyed or something? Like, you want to leave this conversation. Did I say something?”

“No,” he shakes his head, his hair moving with the aggressive shake.

“So what is it?” I can hear the annoyance creeping into my own voice. “Did Frank say something about me? Why do you seem so cagey? What’s going on Harry?”

“I’m not-I’m not cagey,” he scoffs, straightening to his full height. “I just don’t feel like talking.”

“So Frank said something-”

“No! I just don’t care to have this conversation.”

“Oh,” my eyes sting. “So that’s it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Frank and I break up and so do we? You don’t want to talk anymore?”

“I didn’t mean it like that-”

“Well it sounded a lot like that,” I hold up my hand. “Don’t try to backtrack. I thought we were best friends Harry, nothing was supposed to change between us just because Frank and I are on bad terms-”

“But that’s the thing!” Harry shouts. “That’s the thing--everything’s changed! Everything, Y/N...look, I don’t want to talk about this!”

“I do!” I push back, interested in what he meant. “What changed? I don’t understand, and I want to talk about it! I can’t lose my boyfriend and my best friend in the same week! Nothing should change between us, Frank has nothing to do with us!”

Harry looks puzzled as his eyes fix on my face. I raise an eyebrow when he doesn’t speak. “What?”

“You’ve never...” he drags his hand down his face. “Y/N, I don’t want to talk about this. For our friendship’s sake, I can’t talk about this.”

“For our friendship’s sake?!” I exclaim. “I need to talk about this! You’re my best friend! Or so I thought.”

“No!” Harry finally snaps. “I don’t want to talk about this! You think Frank and you breaking up shouldn’t change our dynamic, change us, but of course it fucking does. And I don’t want to talk about it.”

I catch his arm as he tries to walk away, nearly being dragged with him as he rushes away. “Explain, Harry please explain. I don’t get it!”

“Fuck Y/N,” Harry talks with his back to me. I drop his arm. “Frank was the only thing that helped keep you in the friendzone. When you’re not his girlfriend...I don’t know what we are.”

I don’t know what to say, Ifeel like the wind’s been knocked out of me. “So all these years...you were just hanging around me because you wanted to be something more? Was our whole friendship a lie?”

“Of course not, what?” Harry finally turns. “You’re my best friend, you always have been. But by the time I decided to do something about my crush, you confessed to me that you really liked my best friend. And I could tell Frank was really happy around you. I loved both of you, I couldn’t get in between that.”

“So what, you’ve just been...secretly resenting us every time we all hung out? Punishing yourself everytime you third-wheel us?”

“No, no no this isn’t how...that’s not how it’s been.”

“What the fuck Harry?” I cry. “You’ve been secretly pining after your best friend’s girlfriend for years?”

“I know it’s fucked up!” Harry shouts. “I know I’m fucked up for wanting my best friend’s girlfriend I know! You don’t have to spell out how fucked up it is!”

“What the fuck,” I whisper.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Harry’s face crumples. “Please, Y/N that’s just what I was trying to say. When you were with Frank, I could hang out with you—with the both of you and not care because you two made each other so happy how could I come in between the happiness of the two people I loved the most in the world?

But now that you two have broken up, there’s no red light there. There’s nothing to stop me from kissing you. I mean, consent obviously…” He corrects himself, sighing. “I know, I know. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything. But you always know how to pull anything out of me.”

“I wish you were better equipped against me,” I slide down the wall. “This is so fucked up, I wish I could un-know that.”

“Is it so bad?” Harry’s gaze burns a hole through me. “Do you hate me?”

“No, I couldn’t...” how could I hate him when my intention the first night we ever met was to hook up with him. Things only changed when I met his best friend. “I don’t hate you, I just don’t know where we go from here.”

“I just need some space,” Harry says. “I think you probably need some too, now that that confession’s out of the box.”

“Shit,” I bury my face in my hands.

“I promise, we can go back to being best friends.” Harry continues. “I just need to figure out, where to put you. In my head...in my heart.”

I don’t say anything, I could barely look at him. To think he had this in him for as long as I’ve known him. It feels a bit like maybe I never knew him.

“I’ll be in the audience…break a leg Y/N.”

I hear the door close behind him but I can’t get up. I stay curled on the floor until a knock reminds me there’s 5 minutes ‘til positions. Shit.

I finish my hair and do some breathing exercises. I had to compartmentalize and use the emotions in the show just like my coach taught me.

“You’re okay,” I tell myself in the mirror. “You’re going to kill it. You’re okay. You can deal with everything later. Just do your best now.”

With one final breath I exit my room and get out there, putting on my best performance. And I guess the crazy heightened emotions help because the final reviews rave about my intensity. And while I curl up in bed that night sobbing myself to sleep, my inbox finally fills with open offers and auditions. This heartbreaking period opened a door to something new.

Two months later:

As a child, I always wanted to be in New York City during Christmas. Every movie made it look magical and wistful.

It was magical, in the right spots. And I couldn’t deny the magnetic pulse that surrounded the place. But it was also cold, incredibly cold, lonely, and dirty.

“Hey,” my roomate calls out when I enter our flat. Or apartment. “You got some mail I slipped it under your door.”

“Thanks,” I unwrap my massive scarf and heavy coat. “It’s so bloody cold out there.”

“It’s just starting,” she glances away from the TV to our window. Small flakes were starting to fall, it felt like looking at a snow globe.

She goes back to watching TV and I head to my room. It was smaller than the one I had back home but I’d decorated with fuzzy rugs and cozy comforters and furry blankets. And now I looked forward to it every day.

During the day I was practicing for my second ever show. After my intense performance on my last day, I was invited to audition for &Juliet which was moving to NYC. If they liked me, my flight would be paid for and I would join them in the Big Apple. Luckily, they liked me enough to offer one of the roles a couple weeks later. It wasn’t too major, but big enough that I had scenes throughout the musical. After what had happened the past months I thought fuck it and went.

It might seem like I was running away from my life but I saw it as a clean start. Big breakup, end of my show’s season, and a truth that shattered my core. I couldn’t stay in London.

I hadn’t told him. Harry. After everything I didn’t think I had to. He wanted space, I needed the same thing.

But it was lonely living in a new city with no connection to back home. Sure I talked to family and friends regularly, I hung out with my roomate and went out for drinks with my cast mates. But the people—the person who knew me better than I knew myself, well he was gone.

Frank had messaged me a few weeks ago when I posted on my story about New York. I didn’t have that big of a following but anyone who liked me in my last roles tended to stay on and follow my journey. So I used social media as an online journal.

It had been surprisingly courteous. He’d congratulated me, and said if he was ever in the city he would book tickets to see me. It was kind. And I don’t know if the shock of Harry’s truth was bigger than the breakup, or if enough time passed for me not to feel as hurt about it, but I liked talking to Frank just as a friend.

That’s what he asked me when we broke up—if we could still be friends. I thought it was so selfish and dickish to ask but now, I warmed up to the idea.

The opening show was booked for the beginning of January so I couldn’t go home for Christmas. I knew it was going to be lonely but a few of my castmates invited me to their Christmas eve dinner. It seemed like a lot of New York was made up of found family. I was still finding mine.

***

“Two weeks until our first show,” Nolan drops his head down on the table.

“You’ll get it,” Christa pats him on the back. “He’s just hard on you because he wants you to be your best.”

“That one fucking line!” Nolan kept missing his cue on his final line and it had been haunting him.

“What could help?” Ravi joins us with the coffees he promised. It was a 8am rehearsal today and we were all beat from last night’s rehearsal.

“I’m close to you,” I offer. “I could cue you somehow if it helps?”

“Yeah?” Nolan look up. “Maybe, let’s try that. Something subtle.”

“Yeah!” Christa lights up.

“Okay,” I feel good inside, having made a good contribution. Sometimes I felt like an outsider coming into this production so late, it felt like everyone was already familir with everyone else. And I had the least experience out of everyone. It was hard not to feel like an imposter.

“You’re a natural,” Ravi hands me a coffee. “Don’t worry too much Y/N. I see the gears turning in your head.”

“Yeah everyone already loves you.” Christa pipes in. “You gotta relax.”

“I try!” I roll back my shoulders. The role meant a lot to me. “I just want to do my best.”

“You are,” she lays a hand on my shoulder. “You know you’ll get told off if you weren’t.”

“So Y/N is joining us for Christmas?” Ravi asks.

“I think so?” Christa raises an eyebrow at me.

“Yeah,” I nod. “I’m not going home this year.”

“Feel free to invite a plus-one,” Christa says.

“Oh,” I plat with the lid of my cup. “Probably won’t.”

“No boyfriends?” Nolan asks. “Girlfriends?”

“Nolan,” Christa scolds. He shrugs.

“No I,” this was awkward. “I had a breakup before I finished my last show. I haven’t really been eager to jump into a new one.” Especially when Harry’s confession always lingers in the back of my mind. Damn him.

“You ran away.” Nolan states like it’s fact.

“No!” I argue. “It was like over a month later. Plus we started reconnecting again-“

“Nope. Don’t go there,” Christa warns. “Never walk back into the past.”

“My fiancé and I broke up once and we’re getting married next summer,” Ravi jumps in.

“Don’t listen to him,” Christa waves her hand in his face. “He’s an anomaly.”

“Who are you calling anomaly?” Ravi asks. We laugh as the insults go flying between them and a small part of me is relieved to not be on the outside looking in like I did when I first arrived.

“I’m not getting back together with him, plus there’s so much distance.” I reassure the group.

Plus Frank literally said he didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. After 5 years together, he’d fallen out of love somewhere along the way. It was hurtful, and I don’t think he would go back on his word. I don’t think I’d want to take him back anymore.

It hits me then, both of the boys I loved so dearly were lying along the way. One said he loved me even though deep inside he was falling out of love. The other loved me more than a friend, but only called me his best friend.

“You alright?” Nolan asks. The group had left me while I sat in thought, everyone was getting into places.

“Yeah,” I reach for his hand and he helps me up. “Just thinking.”

We get into place and with direction, begin rehearsal for the day. I get lost in it, one of my favourite things to do.

***

“Flowers!” One of the PAs drops a bouquet onto my table as I finish setting my makeup in place. All the moving and the harsh stage lighting made it sweaty, and I couldn’t risk my makeup running.

“I don’t think…” I stop as I notice it was my name on the card. Who would send me flowers on opening? My family already wished me luck on facetime and the few friends in the city were here for the show. I turn the card around.

I already know it’s going to be fantastic but break a leg anyway xx

I read it again. It sounded like Frank, he thought everything was fantastic. Maybe he remembered opening night.

I smell the flowers, another cast mate who shared my room strikes up a conversation about them and I finish my hair to it. We go out together and I feel my heart in my throat. The last time I had all my support in the second row. This time, they were an ocean away and my heart ached thinking about them.

Channel your emotions. Channel your emotions.

I repeat the mantra, and when it’s my cue I break out on stage and wait a beat. Then start my line.

I don’t have a moment to actually look at the audience until my second-last scene. That’s when I notice them. Frank. And Harry.

“Count…me in!” I stumble on a line. Shit. Shitshitshit.

I look back at Christa and continue our lines but her eyebrow dips for a moment and I know she caught it too. I just hoped our director wouldn’t point it out.

Harry and Frank were here. Harry and Frank were here? Don’t think about it. Can’t think about it.

“A strong woman,” I respond to Nolan. I nudge him like we’d practiced and his final line comes tumbling out. I send out a prayer that it was smooth.

I go off stage for a few until my next scene and catch my breath.

“What happened?” Nolan asks. “I thought I heard you almost forget a line.”

“I saw someone in the audience, wasn’t expecting…” i trail off as I hear my cue. “Talk later!”

I rush back on and finish up. It’s exhilerating and just like that I can’t believe our first show is done!

We stay on for the final bits, the final bow, and then I’m rushing to my room for my phone. Did Frank message me? Did I miss something?

But it’s empty.

The other girls in the room trickle in and we all congratulate each other. They go over some of their lines and areas they almost messed up in. I’m too distracted by everything to join fully.

I try to engage but I’m mostly wiping away my stage makeup so I can head out. I don’t know if I wanted to avoid who I just saw or find them.

If you avoid them, then you really are running away.

Ugh. I would have to find them some way. I leave Frank a message and go back to the conversation.

Eventually, with dread weighing me down, I agree to meet the boys where Frank texted me. They were staying at a hotel a few blocks away and there was a bar in the lobby they said was nice.

Frank stands as soon as he sees me, Harry’s back is to me so he’s slow to stand.

“Y/N you were bloody fantastic!” Frank wraps me in his arms and it’s been so long that I squeeze him extra hard. I missed him, or maybe I just missed being held.

“Thank you!” I say into his shoulder. I let go and look between the two. “What are you two doing here? You didn’t just come for me right? Because that’s insane. I…”

“Well kind of,” Frank admits.

“That’s…too much!” I imagine the cost of everything and cringe that they paid that much to see me.

“Well Harry started dating a pilot,” Frank says proudly. Harry doesn’t meet my eye. “So we practically flew for pennies!”

“Oh wow!” I lean into Frank’s arm around my back. It was probably bad, but it felt good here. Except for the massive awkward block that was Harry. “I don’t know what to say I really didn’t expect-“

“I know.” Frank laughs. I missed that laugh. “We caught you by surprise, I saw it on your face right Harry?”

“Yeah,” Harry forces a laugh. “We felt bad. Didn’t mean to catch you off guard.”

“It’s not the first time,” I tell him and he catches my double meaning because he stares at me. I raise my eyebrows and he looks away, back at Frank.

“Can I have a moment?” I turn to Frank. “With Harry?”

“Oh,” his face falls. “Of course.”

We stand awkwardly as Frank doesn’t leave. He looks to the side like he usually does when he’s trying to say something. “Look Y/N, I know after our breakup our group just fell apart. But don’t blame Harry. He was caught in the middle, he told me you were mad at him. Be mad at me instead-“

“Thanks. Frank.” Harry cuts his best friend off. “Don’t worry mate, we just need to talk.”

I keep my eyes trained on Harry as Frank moves away. I take his seat at the bar and wait for Harry to take his.

“Why are you here?” I ask.

“Why did you disappear?” He asks back.

“You wanted space. Wasn’t that good for us?”

“I meant time, like time away. Not move to bloody America.”

“Well I had an opportunity and I took it!”

“Yeah well,” Harry takes a swig of his drink. “I’m glad you did. You were phenomenal out there. I’m proud of you.”

My heart softens a bit when he says it, so does his face. I can’t take my eyes off him, he made me so mad but I missed him so much. This was the longest we’d been away from each other with no contact.

“I missed you,” he finally says just as I go in on him.

“How did you come here? With Frank? After what you told me?” I missed him too, but I wanted answers. How could someone be in love with their best friend’s girlfriend, and fool both parties by being so casual around them all the time. How could he look at Frank in the face???

“So I guess you didn’t miss me,” Harry tries teasing.

“Obviously I did. Not the point though.” I scowl when Harry smiles. But the smile relaxes his face and my heart skips a beat.

“He doesn’t know. Doesn’t need to know. Just like you didn’t need to until you forced it out of me. I didn’t do anything wrong Y/N. You can’t treat me like I did something awful, I just had feelings for you.”

Had.

“Okay,” I take Harry’s drink from his side since I hadn’t ordered mine yet and down it in one gulp. “You’re alright?”

“Yeah,” Harry takes the empty glass from me. “The space was good.”

“Okay,” I feel slightly offended, but I decide to ignore it. I find Frank by the window and wave him over. He comes back with a grin that I can’t help but mirror.

“So how’s the new job?” I ask him once we all find seats. We’d been talking back and forth online, I knew all about his life without me. He knew all about mine.

“Really good,” Frank lights up. “I finally get my own office! It’s small but nice! I’m getting a good feeling from my team too, it’s good.”

“Good feeling from the team?” Harry smirks at Frank and Frank blushes.

“What?” I look between then. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing,” Frank says quickly. “Harry thinks the team has a lot of good looking people. He’s trying to start a fire.”

“Ah,” I look at Harry but he’s staring at his drink. He was trying to start a fire, but it didn’t bother me. Although Frank and I never shared romantic updates, as time went on, the thought of him moving on felt less and less awful. Even though it was a bit bitter to think about, it was over.

“What’s with the pilot girlfriend? Where’d you find her?” I ask.

“Work conference, she was at the bar.” Harry tells me. “She flies a lot, but she’s funny. I like her.”

“Good,” I try to stay neutral even though a confusing wave of emotions washes up. “Good to know you’re still keeping that string of girlfriends.”

“Speaking of,” Harry ignores me and pulls his phone out of his jacket. “She’s free now. We have plans. It was good seeing you Y/N. We’ll catch dinner later?”

“Oh,” I wasn’t expecting him to leave so soon. “Yeah sure-“

“Yeah we’re here until Thursday.” Frank tells me. “If not tomorrow whenever you’re free.”

“Yeah!” I wasn’t expecting to be alone with Frank tonight.

“If it’s just the two of us,” Frank reaches over to my chair and pulls it closer. “Come in so I can hear you better.”

“Okay!” I felt confused, and lonely. And that was dangerous. I just couldn’t get drunk otherwise I might make bad decisions.

I stop Frank after another drink and tell him I should get home so I wasn’t hungover for tomorrow’s show.

But I’m so tired I fall asleep as soon as I get in bed. I want to sort out what just happened tonight but I save it for the daytime.

***

“You weren’t there for first show drinks!” My castmate calls out the next day. I was in to go over some lines and changes, and apparently mostly everyone had gone out for drinks to celebrate last night. I was too busy catching up my past.

“Had some guests in town,” I mumble.

“Guests?” Nolan asks curiously.

“Some friends came in to see the show,” I try to act casual.

“Just some friends? Flew halfway across the world? They’re just friends?”

“Need me some of those friends.”

“Well,” I had a bunch of nosy castmates. “One’s my ex. The other one is my best friend. Alright?”

“Alright now it gets juicy,” Christa comes up beside me. “I thought this ex was in the past-“

“Please don’t judge me,” I squirm. “Just…we were all catching up that’s all! Now. I’m going to go get ready.”

“Touchy,” I hear someone say as I head to my shared dressing room.

I didn’t want to discuss it with anyone because I didn’t know what to say. My ex came to town and it was dangerously good seeing him. My estranged best friend was also here, oh yeah he’s been in love with me the whole time, and then skipped out early for his girlfriend. Then why show up at all? Ugh. It was making me very confused and I had to focus.

It’s quick touch-ups and placement changes and then I’m on stage for our second show. It’s smoother and there are more people tonight. I loved the exhilarating feeling of being on stage. It was incomparable.

I politely decline Frank’s request for meeting up tonight with him and Harry, so he doesn’t have to play the third wheel. I needed some alone time and doing the shows was tiring.

I take a much needed shower at home and continue thinking about the show, the boys, and why I couldn’t stop obsessing over them!

After Sunday’s show, I agree to dinner with Harry and Frank. Apparently they’d been exploring the city, and Harry had gotten a new tattoo. He proudly displays it at dinner.

“Looks sore,” I appreciate the line design. Frank’s using the toilet and we peruse the menu while we wait.

“A bit but I’m taking care of it,” Harry flips over his menu.

“Your girlfriend isn’t joining?”

“I’m meeting up with her later,” Harry glances at me. “Why? D’you want to meet her or something?”

“N-no?” What the hell. “She probably won’t last long anyway, what’s the point.”

“Really, again Y/N?” Harry puts his menu down.

“What!? You never keep a girlfriend for very long. I meet one, then I’m meeting another.”

“Piss off,” his face turns pink and I’m surprised how easily this is getting under his skin. I always used to tease him about how quickly he turned over girlfriends. “The girlfriend jokes stopped being funny. And at least I’ve got a girlfriend.”

“What the hell?” Now it’s my turn to be offended. “I had a boyfriend. Long-term. As you would know. I think the way you put it…it helped you keep me friendzoned?”

“Why are you being such a bitch?” Harry stands just as Frank approaches our table.

“Hey hey what’s going on here?” His outstretched arm grasps Harry’s shoulder.

“Y/N’s being a bitch,” Harry says as I say “Harry’s a dick.”

“Woah,” Frank tries to get Harry back into his seat. “What happened to you two? You guys never actually fight c’mon Harry-“

“Just let him go,” I say as Harry whips his coat off the back of his chair.

“No! Harry man come on,” Frank steps in his way. “I don’t know why you two are so sensitive these days. What are you guys really fighting about?”

Harry and I make eye contact. He looks away first and just pushes Frank out of his way.

“What the hell?” Frank turns to me. “Y/N, he flew across the pond to see you why are you treating him like shite?”

That gets me, the guilt kicks in. “I don’t-he’s just so-ugh!” I quickly follow Harry’s steps and find him on his phone outside the restaurant.

“What do you want?” Harry asks when he spots me.

“I’m sorry,” I decide to be the bigger person. Harry came all this way, I don’t know why I was acting like this. “Come back to dinner.”

“I already texted my girlfriend—the one I’ll break up with soon anyway. Yeah, we have plans so I’m alright.“

“Harry,” I deserved that. “Really I’m sorry. I just…I don’t know how to be around you right now. We never talked after that confession you dropped on me and-“

“Well who’s fault is that?” Harry bites. And I know I’d struck a nerve. The Nerve. “You force me to tell you something and then you just abandon me afterwards-“

“Only after you abandoned me!” The gloves were off. “After Frank and I broke up I was so alone, you didn’t even text me!”

“I already told you, I was trying to reconcile everything myself!”

“You’re acting like being around me when I was single was a test of your self-control. Like you would just burn to touch me or something what the fuck? If it was so easy for you to be around us when Frank and I were dating, it should’ve been just as easy to support me as a friend. Isn’t that what it comes down to at the end of the day? We’re friends…and you just left me.”

I choke up and turn to face the road so Harry can’t see. The roads are wet with slush and backed up with cars that were permanently home between the yellow lines in this city.

“I’m sorry,” Harry says behind me. “I was a bad friend.”

“You were,” I tell him. I turn back around. “I just…I thought I knew you inside and out. I thought we could read each other’s minds with how well we knew each other. And turns out you were hiding such a big secret. Something like this, i-it’s confusing. I feel like I don’t know you.”

“You really never knew?” Suspicion creeps into his voice. “Never? It was complete news to you?”

“Yes!” I say truthfully. “You’re Frank’s best friend! You set us up. Life isn’t actually like Love, Actually.”

“Well it was for me Y/N I—fuck,” Harry leans back against the brick wall. “I didn’t want to tell you! I just needed some time and then I could go back to being your Harry. You just kept fucking pushing-“

“I wasn’t holding a gun to your head,” I argue. “You could’ve lied. You could’ve come up with any excuse-“

“You’d catch me in any lie I told.”

“Never caught you in the lie you’d been telling us for five years.”

We have a stare off as my words echo between us.

“I never lied.” Harry finally says. His phone chirps and he checks it, I watch as he types out a response.

“Lie of omission. Same thing.”

“You were never supposed to know. I was supposed to get over it.”

“And did you?” I ask before I can think. I don’t know if I even wanted an answer.

“Yeah,” Harry crossed his arms. “I told you I needed time. I missed you yeah, but luckily you left the whole fucking continent. I’m over it now.”

I don’t know what to say. After all that, he’d gotten over it. It felt a bit embarrassing, like I’d made a bigger deal than I needed too. But deep down my loneliness grew. Nobody wanted me. Not even Harry.

“Not like I had a chance anyway yeah?” Harry looks at me so intensely I have to look away. “It was always Frank for you.”

“Well you were never in the picture,” I say. I never knew he felt that way. He doesn’t say anything. “What?!”

“What’s that mean? I was never in the picture?”

“I dunno! I never saw you like that because I never knew you liked me.”

“Wait wait,” Harry leans in. “So you’re saying if I’d told you in the 5+ years you and Frank were dating. You might’ve dumped him to date me? You might have had feelings for your boyfriend’s best friend?”

“No! I…” I don’t know what I was saying. Would I have? I thought he was hot the first night we met. I’d seen him in class, he was smart and attractive. But Frank was my type when I met him so Harry was friendzoned immediately after.

“Now that’s fucked up,” Harry has the balls to be judgemental.

“Don’t judge me! I don’t know what I would do. And I’m only thinking about this after Frank and I have long been broken up. I never thought about you while we were together. Can’t say the same about you!”

Harry’s phone lights up again and he scans the text.

“Whatever Y/N. My girlfriend’s down the road, I’m meeting up with her. Since you don’t care to meet her, I’ll save you the trouble.”

He walks away from me without looking back. I stare after him, watch as he embraces someone and then he’s lost in the crowd. I feel a sob come up but I take a gulp of cold air instead and tamp it down. Harry wasn’t going to have this power over me. Fuck him.

“He’s gone?” Frank asks when I make my way back to him. He’d ordered us wine and I knock back the glass before I answer.

“Yeah, whatever. I apologized, he’s just…a dick.”

“He’s always got a soft spot for you. I’m just surprised. I’m sorry if this was my doing.” Frank looks puzzled. He was so innocent, he didn’t even know the truth. The trust he had was borderline pitiful.

And now I was being rude.

“It’s alright,” I pat his hand. “It’s just you and me again tonight. We’re good company.”

“Yeah,” Frank holds my hand. “But three’s company remember?”

“No so much these days…”

“Yeah,” Frank nods. “But no matter, I do love your company.”

I ignore the L-word and pour myself more wine. We order from the menu but I don’t have much of an appetite. I nibble at my food and take the rest to-go. We wind up at a bar and order more drinks while we continue talking.

Somehow we wind up back to the topic of Harry. And our friend group before we broke up.

“He’s still a serial dater,” Frank says with a candidness that revealed how drunk he was getting. “I don’t know why he’s looking for the perfect girl. I keep telling him the perfect girl is what you make her. But he’s got this bloody idea in his head and no girl lives up to her.”

“Did he tell you that?” I move in closer to hear Frank better, curious if he ever hinted at me.

“Not really,” Frank swishes the Guinness in his glass. “He met someone in uni apparently. But it didn’t work out. I told him he should contact her y’know? But he said she’s moved on, in a relationship. So i said get a fucking move on too right?”

“Mmm,” so he had told a white lie to his best friend.

“Y’know,” Frank lays a hand on my arm. “Y/N, we had something really good. Sometimes I second guess. I feel like I’m an idiot for letting a woman like you go. I still love you. I do. But it’s not that love from before. That wow love.”

It was shitty to hear but I knew what he meant. Our love had gotten comfortable. Like we’d been married 40+ years. When I had enough time to see clearly I’d realized too that wasn’t the kind of love I wanted. I just hadn’t been self-aware enough to see it.

“Yeah,” I say. Frank leans in closer to hear me. “I know what you mean.”

“Maybe if we’re still single in 30 years and we still have that love for each other. We can just get married.”

“Settle?” I ask.

“We’d be fifty!” Frank says. “It’s a good age to settle.”

I laugh. “Fine, deal.”

We link pinkies and maybe it’s the liquor (definitely the liquor) or feeling lonely for months (also the feeling lonely for months) but we lean in the rest of the way. Frank’s lips on mine are familiar, and I ache for more. I pull him deeper into the kiss and he pulls me in until I’m practically in his lap. I feel delirious, touch-starved for too long. All I want was for every inch of clothing to be on the floor.

“Let’s go back to yours,” I say when we take a moment to catch our breaths.

“Really?” Frank asks. “You sure?”

“Just two exes right? Nothing more?”

“Yeah,” Frank goes in for another kiss. “I’d like that.”

He grabs my hand and we stumble out, putting our jackets on against the icy cold as we stumble towards his hotel. If I was more sober maybe I would remember Christa’s warning of not to go backwards but I missed the feeling of being wanted. I missed Frank. And we agreed no strings. What was there to lose?

***

A loud noise wakes me out of my sleep. My eyes are crusted with sleep and I have a raging headache. Where the fuck was I?

I peel my eyes open to blinding light and immediately close them, turning my face into the pillow. The top of my head touches something, a body. The night rushes back just as a voice asks, “what the fuck is this?”

There’s a flurry of movement beside me and I peek open my eye. Harry stands by the TV with barely-concealed rage in his face. Fuck shit!

“Harry!” Frank’s groggy voice calls his best friend’s name with joy. “Good to see you’re back-“

“Is that Y/N? What happened last night? Why is she here?”

I sit up slowly with the comforter wrapped tightly around my torso.

“Uhhh,” Frank looks over at me. He doesn’t look guilty or regretful, somehow he just looks casual. And I sort of love him more for it. “Some fun?!”

Maybe it was casual fun for him, I realize. Meanwhile a bad mix of guilt and disgust churn away inside me. Not because of Frank, but because I’d used him whilst feeling lonely.

Harry looks in my direction and I would be dead on the spot if looks could kill. Who the fuck was he to judge?

“We’re consenting adults Harry,” my voice was rough. “It’s not your concern.”

“Yeah mate,” Frank reaches around for his underpants and dresses himself enough to stand up. “We can talk later about last night, you and me. But Y/N and I were just…finding comfort in the familiar. Right?”

“Yeah,” I answer Frank. “Just some casual fun.”

“Yeah,” Frank rummages in a drawer. “I’m hopping in the shower. Maybe we can all grab breakfast-“

“I should go,” I didn’t have a show tonight but I couldn’t stay here any longer.

“Alright,” Frank shrugs. “We’ll do something later.”

When he shuts the door behind him, the silence in the room becomes suffocating. Harry stands, pinching the bridge of his nose and I try to locate with my eyes where exactly my undergarments are. Ah, of course right by Harry’s feet.

“Um,” I clear my throat as I stand with the comforter wrapped around me. I point to the items. “D’you mind?”

Harry steps back in disgust and I reach for them. When he doesn’t turn around I raise my eyebrow and do a spinning motion with my hand. He rolls his eyes and turns.

“I can’t fucking believe you,” he finally speaks—no, spits out as I slip into my clothes. “How the fuck are you fooling around with Frank? Don’t play with him Y/N!”

“Play with him?” I zip my jeans on and return the comforter to the bed. “Play with him? Frank’s a grown man. We have history. I can bloody well sleep with him if I want!”

“Not like this!” Harry turns, eyes blazing. “Not after what you said yesterday to me!”

“What I said? After you asked a hypothetical? A hypothetical in retrospect? When you have been pining after his girlfriend for five years? Five years! And you have the gall to judge me!”

“I can’t help how I felt!” Harry steps closer. “Stop fucking holding that over me like I’m disgusting to have felt that! I stayed in my lane, you didn’t even know—that’s how much I stayed in my lane.”

He had a point. It was wrong, but on a technicality he didn’t do anything wrong. He takes my silence as a chance to continue chewing me out.

“You hint that you could’ve felt something for me last night and then you come and sleep with him? After everything? What are you doing Y/N? This isn’t you.”

“I’m doing whatever I want! You can’t control whatever I want to do based on whatever fucked up morals you’re using on your high horse!”

“My high horse!” Harry brushes my hand off when I touch his shoulder to keep distance. He was getting too close. “What do you want Y/N? You’re angry that I abandoned you, you’re angry I confessed a secret you pulled out of me, then you’re fucking your ex—my best friend, and judging me for my relationship history?”

“You’re way too close,” I push him gently by the shoulder.

“Oh you don’t like that? Both Frank and Harry close to Y/N again.”

“Fuck off!” I push him again, harder this time and he flicks my hands off.

I shove him with both hands but he’s hard to move. He grabs my wrist. “Is that what you wanted all along? Just both of us trailing after you? Do you get a power trip out if it? Do you want me to kiss you too? Maybe a quickie before Frank gets out of the shower? Is that why you did this? Because I said last night I didn’t think about you like that anymore?”

“Stop!” I finally manage to get my hand out of his grip. He looks down at my hand and then at my face. It drops, and he steps back.

I turn for my coat and catch a glimpse of my face. I was crying.

“Y/N don’t go-“ Harry calls out as I rush to the front door.

“You must forget,” I keep my hand on the doorknob as I tell him one last thing. “He broke up with me. I’m not stringing him along. I’m not sleeping with him to get to you. I…I don’t even know you anymore Harry…I don’t want to see you again. If you’re here ‘til Thursday, stay out of my way.”

I do the walk of shame to the subway and sit on the ride home, crying openly on the plastic seats. Nobody gave a fuck.

I don’t know what had gotten into Harry. But I don’t know why I gave in last night too. I wasn’t at a place emotionally to do this. Even though Harry’s words were his own projections one thing was true. His words last night did hit a chord, I did want to feel wanted. And Frank didn’t deserve that.

I had run away instead of facing my reality. And it had gotten me nowhere.

6 months later:

My flat feels bigger than it did. I also feel bigger in it. Most of my furniture was still in storage, I had movers coming tomorrow.

I was finally back to London this week. I was jet lagged as fuck, and cried at least once a day. I missed the life I made in New York, the family I made. Our show had ended a couple months ago. Somehow I’d booked a small role in a series I’d end up dead in after four episodes. I’d met an amazing guy there but we knew I was always moving back. We didn’t try long-distance, we just agreed it was right people wrong time.

In my remaining time in New York I learned to pivot from running away to facing my past. Frank and I had talked before he left back in January. Even though I told him nothing about what happened I had told him it was probably best we stopped contact for a while. I needed to focus on my present.

And I had. I focused on my career, on learning to be alone and exploring why I needed to be wanted. Learning to be happy by myself.

It was 6 months but it felt like years with how transformational it had been. New York city had changed my life but London was calling me back home.

I’d seen a couple friends since. One of them being from uni had told me about Harry. Apparently he had moved to Australia while his company was setting up offices there. A small part of me had held onto the hope of bumping into him in the city but I let it go when I hear the news. Maybe Harry and I were just going to live separate lives.

We never spoke after that day. It was hard to reconcile his actions with who I knew him to be. Over time I recognized we were both confused and hurting.

I loved him. It was simple. Maybe I always loved him. But I think it was a love that wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t hold out hope for him, and I made sure to minimize my heartache when I thought about the friendship I lost.

That love wasn’t the same way I loved Frank. With Harry I really did feel we were twin flames, we knew each other right to the darkest parts of out souls. With Frank we fit right. It was mutual respect and love.

I had dinner plans with Frank next week, the first time we were talking since January too. I heard from my friend he had a girlfriend, he seemed serious about her. I was really happy for him.

I ease into London life slowly. I had a few roles on small sets that I popped in and out of for work. I met up with friends and visited my family in the country. Summer sweltered on and the city welcomed me back home with a steady hum. Despite my initial feelings of growing out of all my friendships, I slowly surround myself by loved ones again and find my flow.

Autumn creeps in and I welcome the cool breeze on early set days. I drink countless coffees and grow into my own skin. I book more roles and finally feel secure, it feels amazing.

An old friend invited me to a Halloween party. Costumes not optional she texts.

Another friend and I decide to go as Marvel characters. I dress up as the Scarlett Witch

“Is that Y/N Y/L/N gracing us with her presence?” An old friend calls me out when we get there. It’s easy to get lost amongst old friends and everyone has a million questions about show business. When it gets overwhelming I excuse myself and take a lap, admiring the creativity in everyone’s costumes.

“Y/N you made it!” I look closer at the man in the makeup and realize it was Frank.

“Hey!” I wrap my arms around him. “You made it too!”

“Barely,” he points his thumb at the gorgeous woman beside him. She’s dressed as Rapunzel.

“You made him Flynn,” I say.

“Yeah!” She holds up her frying pan. “You must be Y/N, I’ve heard a lot about you!”

“That makes me nervous,” I grimace but we go in for a hug. “It’s so nice to meet you though! You two should win best couple costume!”

“This hair gel is making my scalp itchy. Like crazy.” Frank goes to touch his hair but his Rapunzel slaps his hand away which gets me laughing hysterically. They really embodied the characters.

“Hey,” Frank says once we get serious. “I dunno if you’ve seen him yet. Harry’s here though.”

“I-oh,” I catch my breath. I wasn’t expecting that. “He’s not…Australia?”

“No no, he came back a couple weeks ago. They’re done whatever project they were doing. So…you haven’t seen him?”

“No,” I glance around. “I don’t know if I want to. We haven’t talked since…”

“Just talk to him,” Frank says, suddenly intense. He grabs my arm and moves to the side, mouthing something to his girlfriend. Seeing him with her, I feel so distant from the girl who dated him I’m surprised we did for so long. “Y/N both of you need to make up. Look at us, we broke up after a long term relationship and we’re friends again. There’s nothing that you two can’t get over.”

“It’s not that simple,” I couldn’t out Harry so I mince my words. “Harry said some vile things. And…he’s not who I thought he was for all those years. It’s different!”

“Y/N,” Frank takes a deep breath. He looks to the side, and I can tell he’s choosing his words carefully. “I love the both of you. We’re all best mates, we used to do everything together. Three’s still company! And I want to see both of you happy-“

“I am happy-“

“Yeah but Harry’s a sore spot. Right?”

I roll my eyes. Of course we dated for so long, he knew how to read me.

“Exactly. Listen I know…I know it’s weird. We dated. And Harry’s my best friend. But whatever you two want to be, as long as the two of you are happy-“

“What?” Was he saying what I think he was saying? “What are you saying?”

“You don’t think I’m an idiot do you?” Frank asks and I shrug. He huffs before continuing. “I see the way he looks at you Y/N. I know he…it was weird at first. When I realized maybe my best friend liked my girlfriend. But that shit happens all the time. I confronted him once. He said he admired you a lot but it was nothing more than that. I let it go—I think it was easier for me to believe him than call him out on his lie and potentially ruin our friend-“

“So you know why we’re fighting?”

“Not exactly. But I guessed after I saw how angry Harry was. When he found us in bed…I put the pieces together. Sort of felt like it was my fault. That I was the reason you two were fighting. A part of me wasn’t ready to give you up though. I’m glad you made us take space.”

“Yeah…” There are so many thoughts running through my head and it’s hard to turn them into words. I just nod along.

“So you’ll try?” Frank asks.

“I-yeah. I’m just going to…step away” I pat Frank on the arm and walk away. I needed a quiet corner. I pass his girlfriend along the way and we smile cordially. I was happy for Frank. But I can’t believe he knew. Not the whole time, but deep down he did. Was I the only one who didn’t???

The way Harry looked at me. I remember. I never put much thought into it. We were best friends after all. But all along he had loved me from afar. And been there like a friend. It was stupid and crazy that he didn’t just cut me off to move on, but it was also sweet. Pathetically sweet.

I walk out of the flat and find the stairwell. There was finally some air to breathe; I drop my head onto my knees to take some deep breaths. What was I supposed to do now? I knew I had to see Harry sooner or later now that he was back in town. But what if he changed too? What if he has a girlfriend? Did I even want to risk our friendship and try to be something more?

What friendship, I remember. We had nothing right now. Our relationship was in shambles. We hadn’t spoken in 9 months.

“Ugh!” I shout and it echoes in the stairwell. I dust my costume off and open the door back to the hall but I come face to face with Doctor Strange instead. Well, Doctor Strange’s medallion.

“Oh. Hiya,” I saw awkwardly. Harry looked amazing. Even in his costume. He’s grown more handsome in our time away.

“Scarlet Witch,” he looks me up and down.

“Did you know? Is that why you’re Strange?”

“Honestly no,” he steps back. “I had a cape at home, and found a robe so I just went with it…”

“You just had a cape at home? Casually?”

“Yeah,” by now Harry is smiling and staring at me. We were having a casual conversation but his eyes were saying something else. He was really glad to see me. “I’m so glad I bumped into you.”

“In the stairwell,” I arch an eyebrow. “A bird named Frank didn’t tell you did he?”

“Hm,” he pretends to think before taking a Strange pose. “I looked at the possibilities of seeing you tonight and-“

“You’re such a nerd,” I put his arm down that’s waving circles in the air.

We fall into another silence and it’s a bit awkward. But my words are too far away to grasp any, I didn’t know what to say. There was too much and nothing at all suddenly.

“You went to Australia,” I settle on prying what he’s been up to.

“Yeah, yeah!” His eyes light up as he tells me about it. Apparently he’d gone with that girlfriend from New York—turns out she was Australian. They lived together for a bit but her schedule made it hard to go steady. I glean this info while he tells me about what he was doing there and how different the lifestyle was. “It surprised me. I really liked it. I think you would have too.”

“Seems lovely,” I smile. “You glow when you talk about it.”

Harry blushes. “Yeah I…it was the step away I needed. There’s a lot of bloody space in Australia, I just felt so free there.”

“I’m happy for you,” I say honestly. Harry actually seemed brand new. I ache a little that he’d done all this changing; what if I was a castaway in his big change.

“Yeah. Thanks.” He smiles, his dimples make an appearance. “M’glad to be home though.”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “Me too. I love America but I’m home on British soil.”

That makes Harry laugh. Then more silence. Jeez what could I say. This was so awkward!

“Should we go back in?” Harry nods to the door. I hesitate, I thought we were going to talk talk. Isn’t that why he found me out here?

Unless I really was in Harry’s past; he didn’t think we were worth reconciling. Maybe we were just going to be friendly now. Oh that hurts.

“Why not,” I walk ahead so I can mask my expression into something pleasant. I was Scarlet bloody Witch. Turns out Harry wasn’t the Vision I thought he was going to be. I was going to be fine.

“So you seeing anyone?” Harry asks casually as we walk back in. The noise is louder and I barely make his question out.

“Ah no,” I can’t look him in the eye. “Not right now.”

No comment from him. Oh my god I had to get away from this constant awkward energy.

“I’ll catch up with you later then? I see some friends there I haven’t spoken to…”

Harry looks to where I point. His brows furrow for a brief moment before he slips on an easy smile. “Talk later!”

I look for him a little later after I’ve cleared my head. I see him with Frank’s girlfriend. Was he in love with her now? The thought flashes in my brain so quickly I’m surprised by the emotion it pulls up. What was wrong with me!?

I had to slow down on the drinks. And maybe this headpiece was shrinking my brain cells. Why did I think such a horrible thought after Harry was so nice to me?

You’re jealous.

I couldn’t be though. Could I? This wasn’t the Harry I knew. How could I be?

I move towards where I remember the toilets to be. I could get out of this headpiece, splash some water on my face. Factory reset my stupid brain.

“Oh-‘scuse me!” I bump into someone—Harry coming out of the bathroom.

“Harry I-“ I turn back to where I swear I just saw him.

“Frank dropped cream cheese on my cape that menace,” Harry shows me the spot. “It barely came out.”

“Did you dab at it?” I inspect it. “Let’s see if we can get it out.”

He turns back and I follow him into the bathroom. I close the door and suddenly the loud noise muffles into a quieter environment. It emphasizes our silence.

“The cheese is like, in the threads.” I use my finger to scrub the cloth. “Frank can be so clumsy.”

“He’s like a child with finger foods,” Harry says. His voice rumbles through his chest to me. It’s then I realize, he was nearly touching it to my back—I’d draped his cape over the both of us.

I blink up at him and he must realize because he steps back. “Sorry, let me take this off. Might be easier.”

“No that’s alright,” I say but I take it from him happily detached.

He watches me clean it after offering assistance and being rejected. I was used to spot cleaning things out of my costumes, I’d gotten good at it.

“Here you go,” I give it to him after dabbing it as dry as I could.

“Wow, thank you.” He examines the spot. “That’s nearly gone.”

“Nearly?” I squint at it and he laughs.

“Yeah it’s gone, you’re the wizard!” He extends the cape over my shoulders.

“Actually it should be sorcerer,” I say. “I’ve already got a cape!”

“But it’s so short!”

“Fine,” I pull it tighter around my shoulders and the comfort of Harry it carried. “I’ll keep this on! See ya!”

He laughs but when I go for the door he stops me. “Wait. Y/N wait. Wait. Is…is this how we’re going to be?”

“Huh?” I turn back to him. “Is this how we’re going to be??”

“Yeah like, polite. And you trying to escape me every ten minutes.”

Oh. He noticed.

“Uhm, no?”

“Is that a question?”

“Well,” I bite my lip. I was nervous suddenly, facing this very confident and confrontational and cute as hell Harry. “How do you want to be?”

“How we used to? Best friends?”

“I mean, can we? After everything?”

“I hope so,” Harry runs a hand down his face. “I was too proud the last time you saw me. I said some stuff I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry for what I did to you.”

“No I’m sorry,” I confess, relieved to be able to. “If you were too proud, then I was too confused. I didn’t know what I wanted. I lashed out too, and some of the stuff you said was right.”

“Was it? Say that again please?” Harry gives me a cheeky grin.

“Shut up!“ I hit him on the chest playfully. “That isn’t going to get a repeat.”

“Too bad,” Harry pretends to look upset.

We fall into silence once more but it’s not as awkward. The room is small we just sort of study each other.

“So, friends again?” Harry holds his hand out.

“C’mere you idiot,” I take the step forward and wrap my arms around his waist. I fit here. Right here. Oh my god I missed this.

“Y/N,” Harry squeezes me. “I miss us.”

“I know,” I squeeze him back. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad you forgave me,” he whispers back to me.

“I’m glad you forgave me,” I whisper back.

A knock on the door breaks up apart. But we stay arm’s length from one another.

“I can tell you’ve changed,” he taps a knuckle to my nose. “I’m proud of you Y/N. I saw you on TV when I came back. I jumped up so quickly I scared my mum.”

“Aw.” I try not to blush. “You’ve changed too. I like this calm and collected and mature Harry. He’s cool!”

“I was always calm and collected and mature,” Harry says as I open the door. The person on the other side looks between both of us but we’re too busy bantering to notice.

“You think burping at me is funny.”

“It is!” Harry wraps both his arms around my shoulder from behind as we walk.

“So you haven’t actually changed,” I look up at him behind me. “Good to know.”

“Look at us,” Harry says. “Two nexus beings finding each other again.”

“We’ve just altered the timeline becoming friends again!” I laugh.

We bump into Frank then, and he looks visibly relieved that we made up. I can tell by the way he studies us he’s trying to figure out if anything more happened but as Harry keeps his arm draped around me, and teases me like before, I watch his expression clear as he realizes we just made up as friends.

It’s not disappointing. I missed Harry more than I thought, just being able to laugh with him means more to me than any kiss would. I stare at him longer than I should, and when he holds my hand as we leave the party my stomach flutters. But I don’t think too hard about it. He was back in my life. I was happy.

2 months later:

“I brought the good stuff,” Harry holds up three bottles of wine in my doorway.

“Then you better hurry in!” I open the door wider to let him in.

“These are for the lovely host,” Harry hands me a bouquet of flowers when I meet him in the kitchen.

“Oh my god,” I bury my face in them. “These are so lovely. Thank you H.”

I lean up to kiss his cheek. These were the little things that always took me by surprise when Harry did them ever since we started talking again. It reminded me that he did some growing while we were apart.

Not that the old Harry wouldn’t have got me flowers. But he wouldn’t have thought to bring them for me for our belated Christmas party. It was hard to explain, the changes were subtle but Harry was growing into a man. Finally.

“What are you smiling about?” Harry asks.

“I’m making fun of you in my head,” I tell him as I bring out a vase for the flowers.

“Stop that,” he surveys my dinner table. “Or I’ll take those flowers back.”

“No,” I hold them close. “Can you help out with the roast? It just needs to be taken out of the oven.”

“Yeah!” Harry helps me finish up the dinner. It was the week between Christmas and New Year’s and I’d wanted to throw a Christmas dinner for my friends. He agreed to come early for this, but we finish quicker and have a half hour to spare.

“So Y/N,” Harry says suddenly serious after we sit for a break. I still had to get into my outfit but I had to catch my breath first.

“So Harry,” I joke to ease the serious undertone that had creeped in. I stretch my legs out on the sofa. Harry sits on the floor beside me, so I turn to my side so we’re at eye-level.

“Did you hear about Frank?” Harry picks at a stray fibre on the cushion.

“Frank? No? What happened?!”

“Ah,” he leans back and closes his eyes. He says more to himself: “Of course.”

“The suspense is killing me here! Is he cancelling or something?”

I’d only invited Harry, Frank and his girlfriend, my neighbour, and 3 others. Already my neighbour cancelled for being sick. I had too much food for another cancellation.

“He’s engaged Y/N,” Harry finally looks at me. “He proposed on Christmas Eve.”

“Oh!” I stare at Harry, frozen as a roller coaster of emotions rides through my system in 10 seconds. It had been 5 days. “Wha-why didn’t he tell me?”

“I dunno, maybe he was going to tell you in person today?”

“Did he tell you in person?”

“No,” he places a hand on my leg. “He sent a picture. But maybe it’s just given your guys’ history-“

“But we’re old news. History. Literal history. Does he think I’ll be offended?”

“Are you offended?”

I pause. “That he didn’t tell me yeah a bit.”

“Y/N,” Harry shakes my leg. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah I-“ I think about it before I answer. I wasn’t jealous. Frank and I were over. His new girlfriend clearly made him happy—he found what he wanted.

“What?” Harry asks gently.

“I’m not jealous or anything. I don’t care but a small part of me looks back on us and is like…if he wanted to he would. Right?”

“Half your relationship happened when you two were students,” Harry knew what I was talking about.

“That’s true. But we had years after too. It just makes me think how long we held onto each other because we didn’t know better. It took him less than a year to propose to her!”

“Don’t look at it like wasted time-“

“I’m not!” I reassure him. “It was some of the greatest moments of my early 20s with the three of us. I guess when you know, you know.”

“Yeah,” Harry had started rubbing my leg to soothe me. “Good. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah. M’good thanks for telling me beforehand. You’re a good friend.”

If he hadn’t, I know it would have gotten awkward. Because even though I truly was happy for them, it was a bit awkward to find out and react live like that.

“Just pretend it’s the first time you heard when he tells you?” Harry asks.

“Yeah I won’t blow your cover.” I smile. He doesn’t smile back.

“You’re really over him?” he asks instead. “It doesn’t bother you at all?”

I only realize how seriously he is when I look at him, he still believed I was hung up over Frank?

“Harry what? You know I’m over that. We broke up over a year ago-“

“Yeah but when we came to see you-“

“Oh my god that was just two exes finding comfort in each other! We were both obviously lonely. And confused probably.”

I laugh but Harry doesn’t. His hand on my leg stops and so I lay mine on top of his.

We both know why Harry’s so invested, he’s showing me he still cares. But neither of us make a move. I don’t know why we were equally scared, but we stay that way.

Until my phone buzzes. We jump apart at the sudden sound and I scramble for it to help with the obvious tension that had just filled the air.

“Everyone’s nearly here!” I get up. “I need to get ready! Can you let them in when they arrive?”

“Sure. Yeah, get ready.” Harry waves me off. I rush to my room and slip into the sweater dress I’d left out. I do a quick mascara and blush as I hear the guests arrive. When I come out everyone has a glass of wine and I greet them all with a hug.

“I’m so happy everyone could make it!” I say to the small group. I point out the appetizers and get to mingling. Everyone gets along well and I happily host with some help from Harry. I can sense Frank and his girlfriend, or now fiancé, eyeing me.

At the dinner table everyone tucks in. The drinks flow and so does the conversation. Until Frank clears his throat.

“We have some news,” Frank says. We all look expectantly at him and he holds up his fiancé’s hand. “We got engaged.”

“Oh my gosh! Congratulations!” I gush, with just enough enthusiasm that I can see them visibly relax. Everyone fawns over the ring. I get up to hug them both and say another congrats. I make eye contact with Harry as I sit back down and he anchors me. He was the reason things stay awkward-free. I loved him for that.

The night continues and by the time it’s midnight mostly everyone is drunk. They file out slowly and I’m left with the usual three. Well, four now.

“So when did you tell her?” Frank asks when his fiancé excuses herself before they leave.

“What?” Harry asks.

“Tell me what?” I act equally confused.

“C’mon you two. Harry you told her before we came right?”

“Tell me what?” I ask.

“My news! My engagement! I’m not crazy I know you told her.”

“I didn’t say a word mate,” Harry swears. “Why would I tell her your news?”

Frank looks at me suspiciously but I put on my best innocent face. He shakes his head when we hears his fiancé come back and they leave with a final hug. As soon as the door closes behind them, Harry and I break out into a fit of giggles.

“D’you think he bought it?” Harry whispers.

“I don’t think so.” I whisper back.

“Why are we whispering?”

“I don’t know!” this sends me into another round of laughter.

“Harry I need to get hydrated and go to bed,” I wipe my tears away when I get ahold of myself. “I’m losing it.”

“Here,” Harry gets up from where we’d crouched down to and helps me up. I lean into his chest as we have one last chuckle.

“You get yourself cleaned and I’ll clean up here.”

“No!” I wave his help away. “I’ll clean tomorrow. You can pour another drink if you want. But don’t worry about the mess!”

“Just get in there,” Harry pushes me to the bathroom and I don’t have any fight left in me. I can hear him loading the dishes and I thank the universe for giving me someone like him.

By the time I scrub my day off and change into cozy flannels, Harry had loaded the dishes, put away any leftover food that hadn’t been given away, and wiped down the counters.

“You. Are. An angel.” I put my hands on either side of his face. “I love you.”

The words come out quicker than I could process. We both freeze.

“Uhh,” he coughs out a laugh. I drop my hands. “I am an angel aren’t I?”

“Tonight yeah,” so we were going to play the avoidance card.

It’s not like I’d never said those words to him before. I’d said it a million times. But not since before.

“I’ll just use the toilet myself, before I go.”

“Oh yeah,” I move aside so he can go past. I didn’t want him to go, yet things had taken a turn for the awkward and I felt an anxious energy flood me.

I pick at the dinner table, gathering the spare decorations I’d placed. Giving my hands something to do because Harry was going to come out any second now and I’d have to look him in the face after the moment we just had.

What was wrong with us? We obviously liked the other person! No one was making the first move and everything was just suspended in jello!

That does it, I decide. I was going to give him a piece of my mind!!

“Y/N,” Harry had come out while I was lost in thought. He stands on the other side of the table.

“Are you leaving?” I accuse.

“I was.” He licks his lips and looks away. “But I can’t leave like this. Look.”

He walks around to me and holds me hand. “You know I love you. With my whole heart. I don’t know why I was so weird back then.”

He cups my face, the same way I did before and my mental declarations fall like the last leaves of November. “I love you.”

An emotion sticks in my throat and I try to push it down to ask him as what? What did he love me as? I needed to know. But it’s too big to go down, and my eyes well with tears instead.

“C’mon,” he wipes a stray tear with his thumb. “I’ve said it a million times. You’re not crying are ya?”

“No,” I say as more tears streak down my face. My lip juts out and it makes Harry laugh. He wraps me into him.

“When did you become such a baby?”

“I’m not a baby!” I say into his chest.

“Shh you big baby,” he pats my hair down and it makes me giggle. He pulls me away and grins, he looks extraordinarily beautiful in this moment and I feel my breath catch. “We got a laugh out of her!”

“Leave me alone,” I cross my arms.

His smile fades. “D’you want me to?”

“No!” I hug him again. “I like it here.”

“Y/N-“ he hesitates. I lift my face to look up, resting my chin on his chest. “I can’t lose you again.”

He was rejecting me. He wanted to stay friends. Oh. The tears threaten up again and I take a step back. “Oh.”

“No no,” he pulls me back. “Listen to me. I can’t lose you again. D’you understand?”

His serious gaze disrupts a migration of butterflies somewhere inside me. When did my Harry become this handsome gentleman?

When you let him go.

I battle my thoughts as they try sabotage the good thing in front of me.

“What?” Harry cups my cheek. He knew the internal battle going on of course.

“I don’t,” I close my eyes against his gentle touch. “I don’t want to hold you back.”

“Are you mental? You make me want to be better Y/N. I wouldn’t be who I am without you.”

“Really?” I ask. His forehead touches mine.

“Really,” he swipes another tear that had fallen without permission. “You’re everything to me Y/N. I want you to be around all the time. You don’t know how many times when I was in Australia I wanted to pick up my phone and send you something I knew you would find funny. It was painful every time I could. I don’t ever want to lose you ever again.”

“Me neither,” I blubber. I felt the same way when I was in America.

“You’re crying a lot for a nice moment,” Harry teases. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes!” I cry/laugh. “I don’t know why I’m being so emotional!”

He presses his lips gently to my cheeks. I’m light-headed as his lips move down to my own. I’ve never felt more complete than in this moment. I’ve never felt more whole in my life. It feels like coming home after a long journey, like finding your person in a crowd and saying ah there you are. It was better than being on stage with the sound of applause deafening your eardrums. It was everything.

1-ish year later:

Harry clutches my hand as we rush to the church, running late because he had woken up with a blemish that he’d made worse the more he tried to take care of it. I tried not to get annoyed, instead I lent him some makeup and we panicked all the way here.

“Has it started?” Harry shouts back at me as we climb the steps. I check the time, by some miracle we were only 6 minutes late.

“Probably!” I say. I was disgustingly out of breath but Harry waits for me at the top. We enter the lobby and peek into the ceremony. Frank stands up front but there’s buzzing in the pews. “Oh thank god!”

“Perfect place to do it,” Harry jokes as he opens the door and we walk in. Frank looks relieved when he spots his best man walking to him. He waves at me and I mouth good luck to him.

I wish Harry was beside me as the ceremony starts. Frank tears up as his bride walks up the aisle and it’s crazy to me how I once upon a time thought that would be me walking up to him one day. Harry catches my eye and squints, I was tearing up. Because now I imagined walking up to him one day. The true love of my life.

Vows are exchanged and the newlyweds dance down the aisle. We see them off and when I turn to Harry he kisses me with a ferocious passion.

“Woah,” I pat his tie when I catch my breath. “What was that for?”

“I just love you so much,” he kisses my forehead. “I’m going to marry you one day.”

I melt at his words, it had been over a year since we got together but I fell more and more in love with him every day. I can’t believe he was right there all along and I found him so late.

“Let’s get in there and do it now,” I say mock-seriously. But Harry believes me.

“Really? Now?!”

“No,” I peck his cheek. “But I’m just waiting for the question. Then I will happily marry you anywhere.”

“There’s a question?” Harry plays stupid.

“I’ll let you figure that one out!” I walk down the steps towards our ride. We had a reception to get to. On time.

The reception is at a gorgeous venue nearby that sparkles on every surface. I congratulate the newlyweds a million times and watch my drink since I told Harry he didn’t have to drive. He was a funny drunk, very affectionate, and I didn’t mind.

“There’s my future wife,” Harry locates me near the end of the night.

“We were just dancing together,” I put my arm around him.

“Itsa last slow song,” he pulls me to the dancefloor where all the couples sway with each other. I put my arms around Harry and do the same b

“You’re pretty drunk,” I whisper in his ear.

“I know. Last drink.” He slurs. “Y’know I love you s’much. I’m keeping you forever.”

“That’s a relief,” I tease. “I thought we had an expiry.”

“No!” Harry pulls back enough to look at me. “Never!”

“I know,” I twirl the hair at the nape of his neck. “It’s forever.”

“Yeah,” Harry gazes at me lovingly and I admire him the same.

“I’m so lucky to have you,” I tell him. “I’m so lucky you stuck around.”

“I’m the lucky one,” Harry slurs.

“Let’s dance,” I rest my head on his chest and we continue swaying. His heart beats steadily underneath and I’m so grateful for him. I feel like going back just to tell myself that I would be dancing romantically with my best friend at my boyfriend’s wedding in a few year’s time. That everything I knew was about to crumble underneath me but I would build it back up stronger than ever. I wish I could tell her to not be afraid, two was company and it would be the best kind yet.

[linophrynelight]

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Legendary: Success]

Kim stands outside the back door of Precinct 41, smoking. Jean walks up next to him and lights a cigarette. He takes a deep drag and hesitates for a long, tense moment before opening his mouth.

"We need to talk."

"Yes we do," Kim replies. The lieutenant's words are quick and ready like a loaded pistol. "Your actions earlier were highly unprofessional. I understand that you still don't believe Harry has changed, but you can't speak to him like that in front of the other officers. Give him a chance to prove himself -- or at least, keep your feelings to yourself so the rest of the precinct can."

Jean frowns as the two make eye contact. Kim's voice is calm and professionally cold, but the fire in his eyes betrays him. They're full of anger, defensiveness, overshadowed by a tender protectiveness.

It's a look that's painfully familiar.

Jean maintains eye contact. "How long has Harry been sober this time?"

"Three months. You already know this, he stopped cold turkey the day after he lost his memory."

"I was just wondering if he'd slipped up yet." Jean looks down at his cigarette and ashes it. "Figured if anyone knew, it'd be you. I've known him for almost five years now, and I've lost track of how many times he's tried to go sober. He usually falls off the wagon by now, but the longest he's gone without a drink is six months."

Jean looks up again. "You haven't seen the full cycle yet, you've only seen him on the upswing. The longer he's sober, the harder he'll relapse. He won't realize how much his tolerance has gone down, and he'll be furious at himself, and the world, and at you for trying to help him. Look."

Jean leans over and parts the hair on the side of his head to reveal a scar. It's still pink, hasn't yet faded to silver against his pale skin.

"That last time, he was doing okay until a particularly difficult case. He was placed on leave for a week. I was worried about him -- what he might do without work to keep him busy. I stopped by his apartment to check on him."

Jean hesitates. "He was naked, covered in vomit. Too drunk to talk. Just kept mumbling "fuck you" and "lemme die" as I cleaned him up. After half an hour of trying to get him out of the tub I finally snapped at him, knowing he wouldn't remember anything I said anyway. I think I told him he's an asshole for always making his feelings everyone else's problem. He punched me, and I fell back and hit my head on the corner of the sink."

He takes a deep breath, glaring at nothing on the ground in front of him, then continues. "Of course he didn't remember anything the next day. He said sorry a million times but it was clear he couldn't quite wrap his head around the idea that it had actually happened."

"It was like that every time he went too hard on the drink. He'd scream, make threats, sometimes hurt people. You've heard about the case with the two drunks, right? Then once it's over, the monster who did all those things is just gone. Harry is back, with nothing but tearful apologies and heartfelt promises that he'll never do any of it again."

Jean finally looks up again. Kim's shoulders are still tense but his expression has gone from angry to unreadable. He was ready for a fight, not this.

"I stuck by that asshole's side for years. I told myself that he would get better someday. That those times he saved my life somehow made up for the way he treated me during his benders, and that the apologies really meant something even though I knew he was just going to get drunk and do it again. And every time he would hate himself a little more. And then he'd drown that hatred with even more alcohol."

Jean takes one last drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out on his shoe. "The thing with alcoholics is... Once they've given up on themselves, you have no choice. You have to give up on them too. For your own sake. If you try to run their lives for them, to pick up the slack whenever their addiction makes them drop the ball on something, you'll only end up enabling them. I did that for too long. And now you're trying to tell me that after I finally accepted the truth and let go, this is the time he finally got his shit together? I don't believe it."

Kim is silent for a while. He looks down at his cigarette, burnt down to the filter. He stubs it out and tosses it into a nearby trashcan, then he looks up at Jean. "I'm very sorry you had to go through that," he says carefully. The anger in his voice is gone. "It must have been incredibly difficult. I don't blame you for hitting your limit. But... I think this time really is different."

"I hope you're right, but unless-" Jean's voice cracks suddenly, surprising himself. "I can't trust him unless I know he's finally changed."

"Only time will tell," Kim says quietly.

[padfootastic]

hey it’s me again lol

it’s been more than a year :(

any idea for the next FoD update?

my friend, i owe a great debt of gratitude to u *insert extremely dramatic bow and/or salute)*

since atleast January of this year, i have not been able to put a single word on paper. not for any of my wips, or headcanons, or even tumblr. it’s like the creative well had entirely dried up and it was so frustrating because i had many, many plans. FoD was the biggest one of them. no matter how many times i tried, i kept hitting the dreaded -writers block- and had no clue what to do. it didn’t help that i was not interacting w fandom in any sense, nor reading any new fics either.

however. this last month, i’ve been having a Time (negative), and fanfiction has been the only escape i could sustain. and then i see your ask. and i see your previous ask. and i read all the comments on FoD and the fic all over again.

and somehow, somehow!!! i sat down and wrote 5k in the last two days. i’ve been holding off on doing anything about it because i really don’t want to jinx it (and i wanted atleast 2 chapters written because i just know once the mania dies down, it’s very possible we’ll go back to a state of inaction lol) but also just. your ask. it’s been such an impetus for me to move my ass.

thank u so much <3 i’m going to upload the next chapter by tomorrow. it’s written. it’s….something, not what i’d originally envisioned but beggars can’t be choosers and all that. i’m a couple thousand words into the one after that and i really wanted to have it done as well so i could upload it a few days later but we shall see. atleast this one will go up.

once again, i’m so so grateful that u stuck on for so long and checked in with me, it means the absolute world.

[lilo-paylinson]

(lol sry im spamming u)

but in another life, i think ZEN would be my bestie, NAIL would be my older brother, HARREH would be my therapist, and LOOEH would be my boyfriend, and LEEYUM would be my guardian angel!!!! (he is already <3)

No apologies, I love talking to people! 💜

Zen would be an amazing friend I think, I feel like he'd talk so much shit with me 🙏🏾

Nail 1000% gives big brother vibes and I feel like he'd be annoying as shit but protect me if anyone messes with me.

Harold as a therapist is so funny in my head cuz he's so bad at answering questions and goes on tangents, I feel like I'd turn into his therapist 😭

Loueh is 1000% boyfriend material and that's my husband fr fr.

Leem is an angel and he got his wings and I hope he knows how truly loved he is 💜

[lovevalley45]

bein a bit of an angst/whump lover is so hard sometimes bc i see smth Angsty and Juicy n have to fight the urge to call some fucked up shit my beloved,,, even though it's true

[rosebouquets]

I’m actually so scared to put my fic out into the world because I can keep it safe and love it if it stays in my docs. I know it isn’t the best written but I love it and I need if I actually put it on ao3 for everyone else to love it too

[periwinkle-the-11th]

“Okay,” Michael said placatingly. “Why do you think he told me he killed Lockhart then? Along with a man named Quirrell and a ‘Dark Lord’ he calls Timmy?”

Veritaserum - Severitus812 - Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling [Archive of Our Own]

[freohrweohnatakausta]

//have some angst, as a treat

Yer A Witch, Gura future chapter stuff that I had to write out

---

It was the little things that added up. The whisper of feet, a clock ticking out of rhythm, whoosh of air without a breeze, mutterings from people.

It was the little things that added up to try and make me insane. If I weren’t already, it would’ve worked.

Bubba whined at my feet as I punched the wall, watching golden shimmers in the air flicker and fade.

“She has to be here, there’s no reason why she’s not!” Bubba whined again and rubbed up against my legs. I reached down to pat his head. “I’m sure she misses you, too, Bubba. There has to be a reason why she’s avoiding me.”

-

The boggart was here. Neville had gone, stirring up the class’s laughter. It was a game now, who could make their fears seem more hilarious.

I feared what mine was going to be.

I stayed out of it, Lupin took note.

Class ended; my eyes never left the cabinet. The boggart went back into the cabinet for a final time- it didn’t explode. Lupin assigned homework and sent us on our merry way. I stayed behind, said something to assure Harry and the others. They sent me another glance but left all the same.

“Miss Gawr,” Lupin said.

“Professor,” I replied.

“There a reason why you decided to sit this one out?”

“Didn’t want to traumatize the kids. I’m gonna take my turn now, though.”

Lupin nodded and prepared himself to open the door. I got myself ready in front, and nodded at him. The doors opened.

“You will never be Gura.”

My breath hitched, ice flooded my veins, and I froze.

“Don’t think nobody notices.”

“You will never be her.”

I wanted to scream, to shout.

I stood there blankly, unseeing of the four forms in front of me. My breaths came out unevenly.

“Liar.”

“Fraud.”

“Imposter.”

“Sham.”

“You were never her in the first place. Drop the façade. It’s not hiding anything, anyway.”

I collapsed to my knees, unfeeling.

“You will never find her. She doesn’t want to be around you, faker. You’re the reason why-”

Silence.

The cabinet closed.

Lupin looked down at me, preparing to say something.

Water consumed my vision. I wanted to be anywhere but here.

[babeyun]

falling alone ✩ l.hs [m]

⇢ part of the modus operandi series! synopsis: cold cases were heeseung’s specialty, and he cracked every single one. cold hearts were your specialty, and you have yet to make a single chip in your husband’s. genre: established relationship au ; strained lovers. angst, fluff, smut pairing: lieutenant!lee heeseung x therapist!housewife!reader (i love plot twists) word count: 39.5k rating: 18+. minors please do not interact. warnings: for realism purposes, everyone is aged up (22-29 ; not my favorite but it is what it is.) strained marriage/relationship dynamics, workaholic dynamics, toxic relationship dynamics that are not meant to be romanticized. talks of therapy, food mentions, birth control mention, talks of having a family. detailed descriptions of disappearances, missing persons, etc. y/n feels neglected (girl STAND UP). sex as a temporary fix, swearing, alcohol, smoking. unrequited love, lots of pining on both ends. smut warnings: multiple scenes (two and a half...just read it), heeseung has a thing for y/n in business attire, petnames (baby, babe, princess, etc.,) unexplored daddy kink, heavy petting, frottage, slight body worship (m&f.rec.) nipple play, light spanking, oral (m&f. rec), squirting, lots of pillowtalk, marking, dom/sub dynamics, hair pulling, slight degrading/praise, handholding during sex (because i'm soft so what), switch!hee x switch!yn, unprotected sex (don't do this), doggy, missionary (not a babeyun fic if it's not missionary and body worship, i fear) creampie (i hate this word so bad.) i think that's it! what to listen to: falling - harry styles ; tu falta de querer - mon laferte ; seasons - dawn, gemini ; stardust - ben webster ; my foolish heart - bill evans trio ; no song without you - honne ; take me - miso ; say - keshi ; may i have this dance - francis & the lights ; unchained melody - the righteous brothers ; can't take my eyes off you - frankie valli ; can this morning never end - davin kingston ; too good - christian kuria ; u send me swingin' - mint condition ; you and me - lifehouse. author's note: it's finally fucking here, SEVEN MONTHS later. i cannot believe my life took such a turn that my original timeline of getting these all out back out to back turned into me ghosting the internet. this being said, i really hope you guys enjoy the push and pull that are heeseung and y/n in this. they're insane but they're in love and that's all that matters. special thanks to my dearest @enhaven for all her encouragement and kind words. star dividers by @/saradika here on tumblr!

Friday, 9:23PM.

 "Late night?" Your voice has always been a comfort to him. The way you cooked dinner every night, the way you washed his hair for him, the way you laid in bed with him – it was all comforting. Your soft eyes, eyes that hadn't seen an inch of a crime scene. Your gentle hands, hands that would never cock a gun and aim to kill.

You were home to him, and he hated that he couldn't leave his work at the precinct. He always brought it with him, anywhere he went…anywhere you were.

"Not really. Caught a session with Dr. Bahng, I'm sorry about dinner." He loosens his tie, trying to ignore the way your eyes follow his fingers. He takes his wedding ring off for work – insisting it snags on the gloves when gathering evidence, that he never wants to sully it with such grime. "How was your night?" Your sigh may be inward, but his eyes catch everything. Every frustrated twitch of your brows, the way your nose crinkles at the half-assed apology. Your eyes linger on the linoleum floor, and he fights the urge to pull you into his arms. He fights the urge to show any weakness to your feelings, he can't let go of work. He has to be strong, he has to be coarse, he has to be cold.

"It was…fine." You wave him off, moving to take the full plates off the table. Only then does Heeseung notice that you're still in your jeans, your white top neatly tucked into them. Your feet are clad in fresh socks, almost as if you were about to go out when he arrived. His eyes scan you as you move around, pulling his tie completely off and bunching it into his pocket. "Are you going out with your friends?" You don't reply as you scrape the cold food into the trash can, and he focuses on the sound of your bracelet lightly clinking with the handle of the fork. Your shoulders sag, soft curls of your hair sweeping over your face as you move to place the dishes in the sink. He sighs, before his legs move him behind you. "Why are you upset, honey?" "I'm not, I'm not upset." You scoff, turning the tap to hot when you feel Heeseung's hands ghost over your waist. You knew better than to attempt to hide anything from him, especially with the way his brain was literally trained to analyze your every movement. His lips press softly to your cheek as his fingers untuck your top, "I know you better than that." You're silent as his fingertips trace the soft skin of your stomach, his chin resting on your shoulder. He's going to wait until you decide you want to talk, despite knowing it will be the same argument you have every single week.

The same argument that always ends up unresolved as you kiss in your bed, sheets tangled between your bodies. It's enough to hold off on actually talking about it, it's enough to semi-satisfy the lack of attention you got from him during the week. It wasn't enough to feed his unvoiced, almost insatiable hunger for you, and how he wished he could just douse you in his love and affection until the sun rose. It wasn't nearly enough, because he'd still have to pry himself from the comfort of your warm embrace to step foot in the precinct and inhale the stench of evil in the world.

He felt awful, really. That he could never truly show you how much he loved you, how emotionally constipated his job made him…how his sessions with Dr. Bahng were no longer of much help. "Leave work at work, Lieutenant. You have the love of your life waiting for you at home." He had it memorized at this point.

"It's always the same thing, don't worry about it." You turn the tap off, feeling the guilt about wasting water seeping into your stomach. You weren't going to wash the dishes, you knew you weren't. You just wanted to lay down in bed with your husband, basking in the few minutes of attention he'd be able to give you before falling asleep. 

"Baby." You wince at the pet name, one so foreign on his lips. One you so rarely heard, long lost in your college memories. You grimace as you turn in his hold, his hands now resting on your hips. "Don't baby me, Heeseung." "Don't Heeseung me, Y/N. I know something is bothering you, and whether it's tonight, tomorrow, or next week – I'm not letting you go to bed like this." He looks at you through tousled locks, his eyes speaking for him. Just talk to me.

You shake your head in subtle disbelief, attempting to push past him when he pins you against the counter gently. "Let me go, Heeseung." "Not until you tell me what's going on." His voice is harsh, one he also rarely uses with you. Heeseung was always gentle, soft-spoken. "I've been at work all day, dealing with shit I can barely stomach. I just want to come home and spend time with you, what's wrong?" He's starting to whine, and it does nothing but make your eyes sting with tears.

"I just want to spend time with you, without having to beg you for it." You breathe out, squeezing your eyes shut to avoid his gaze. "You remember everything, Hee. I know you had to remember that tonight is date night." Sighing, you peel your eyes open to a guilty husband watching you with his own tired ones.

"I'm sorry, honey. It really did slip my mind. Let me…let me just take a shower and we can go have a night on the town, okay?" He starts to walk away, fingers pulling at the buttons of his shirt when you clear your throat. "It's fine, Heeseung. Let's just go to bed."

"No, let me fix this. We haven't had dinner, and we haven't spent time together in weeks." He slips his dress shirt off as he leaves your line of vision, and you just slump against the counter. He was right, and you hated that you knew he was. Heeseung was always this way, though, shouldn't you be used to it by now?

Yes, he was gentle and soft-spoken, with a touch of dirty humor and thoughtfulness that always made your heart race a little faster. Your relationship was built on a lot of comfort and deep talks, ones that usually involved you unraveling yourself entirely just to get a taste of his own secrets. The two of you had met in college, about three days after the disappearance of his childhood best friend, Cha Soyoung.

Heeseung was even more cold and stoic, and wasn't interested in so much as even befriending you. He didn't really speak, which according to his friends, was unnatural. They wound up being close friends of yours as well, thanks to Park Sunghoon, and the seven of them all also ended up working at the same precinct. "Heeseung talks…a lot. Not as much as Jay, but he's just going through a hard time right now." Sunghoon said as he sipped his drink, carefully chewing the tapioca pearls as the two of you walked. "It's not everyday your best friend of twenty years goes missing, you know?"You had shrugged, not really understanding what it was like. Your parents had moved you around a lot as a kid, and it was hard to make friends until they finally settled when you got into your last year of high school. You had met Sunghoon there, but only met the rest of your friends through him that following summer – except Heeseung. He'd gone home with Soyoung for the summer, returning to Seoul for the fall semester at Decelis University with her and your other friends. You still never spoke, until now.

You and Sunghoon were swinging by his dorm to help pass out flyers.

"Hey, Hoon. Y/N." Heeseung spoke quietly as he opened the door, his eyes nearly swollen shut from crying for the past three days. Your jaw dropped as you looked at his face, not at all recognizing the boy in front of you. Sure, you'd only ever seen pictures of Heeseung but you knew enough to know that this…wasn't him. Neither you nor Sunghoon spoke as Heeseung moved for the two of you to follow him, shutting the door behind you.

"How are you feeling?" Sunghoon asked as he trashed his drink, your own now sweating on a coaster on Heeseung's coffee table as the man gathered things around his dorm. You stood awkwardly as you swung your backpack onto the couch, opening it for Heeseung to slide the flyers in when you saw him shake his head. 

"I don't feel much, actually." 

Sunghoon glanced at you, but your legs moved before you could think. You rounded the table to Heeseung, who looked at your extended arms and empathetic eyes with cold ones. He'd set down the papers in his hands, fingers splayed across them momentarily before turning back to you and awkwardly entering your embrace. Your fingers easily found the nape of his neck, and his rigid form quickly softened as he breathed shakily into your shoulder. "M'Sorry." He mumbled as you felt a few tears soak through your shirt, and you just shook your head. 

Sunghoon also wound up wrapping his arms around the two of you. Something about the way that Heeseung's fingers clawed at your sides, and the way he sobbed into your shirt made you wonder how long he'd needed someone. Someone to ease the knot in his stomach, someone to help him see that this was something that would be solved and everything would be okay again. Someone to help him hop along until Soyoung was found, and someone to leave when she inevitably took her place again.

That was nine years ago. You and Heeseung began dating a year after that happened, a couple of months after the anniversary of Soyoung's disappearance. The police stopped looking, ruling her case as a runaway. You and Heeseung never stopped searching – you frequently asked cafe owners if you could pin missing posters on their corkboards, and even went door to door every few evenings asking if anyone had seen Soyoung. 

Heeseung had made it to the side of the law, and frequently reviewed the case to see if he had missed anything. He never had – you had all hit a dead end. Everyone's hope began to dwindle, but Heeseung never let that sway him. He even asked the forensics department to make age-progression posters, and they did. You'd pinned those up, too.

He was strong willed, he was diligent, he was determined. You love Heeseung, you love the person he is…

…But you hate that he can't leave his work at work. You hate that you get a crumb of his affection every few nights, whether it's his lips pressed against your cheek after dinner or his teeth nipping at your clavicle while hovering above you in bed. You hate that you find yourself longing for him even more than you did in college, despite now having him in the deepest way – as your husband, the person who loves you. 

The man who shed a singular tear as he watched you walk down the aisle, the man who supported you when your career wasn't what you expected. The man who endlessly told you he loved you in ways that weren't so evident to the naked eye – like leaving the warm water for you and showering in the ice cold, leaving the last slice of cake for you, rubbing your feet while watching Law and Order with you on days he didn't work (read: on days you pried him out of the home office.)

Heeseung loves you, you know that. You just can't shake the feeling that it won't be for much longer.

"Tuck in your shirt."

His voice snaps you out of your trance, and you look up to see your husband now unrolling a pair of clean socks, speaking around a wide toothed comb between his teeth. He drapes the socks over the back of a chair, eyes glued to his reflection in the hallway mirror as he combs through his hair quickly. 

Rolling your eyes, you tuck in your shirt haphazardly as he parts his hair down the middle. "You can't go out with your hair wet, you'll get sick." You call as you make your way down to the bathroom, pulling open one of the cabinets to fish out your hair dryer. "I don't have time to dry my hair. In sickness and health, anyway." Heeseung yells down the hall, and you bite back your chuckle.

"But why make yourself sick? Sit, I'll dry it while you put on your socks." You untangle the cord, plugging it into the wall as Heeseung pouts. "The sound makes me sleepy! If I'm sleepy, we can't go out." He shakes his head, and you put a hand on your hip as you give him a pointed look. He sighs, tugging a chair towards you and plopping down.

"You're throwing a tantrum like a child. Mom, I don't want to wear my coat! Mom, I don't want my peas touching my mashed potato!" You mock his behavior, making him sulk further into the chair and creasing his shirt. "Sit up!"

He does, and watches you through the mirror as you carefully comb your fingers through his hair. He wonders why you forgive him so easily, why you do these things for him when he doesn't feel like he deserves it. The wasted dinner, the way you roll his socks after doing his laundry (that he insists he can do himself.) He wonders what he's done to make you love him so dearly.

"Where d'you wanna go? Olive You More? Thyme for Love?" His voice leaves the sulky attitude behind, as your fingers card through his damp hair, and you grimace. "Why are all our favorite restaurants so cheesy? It's disgusting." "Well, we could try that new one down by the river. Pasta La Vista, I think it's called." He taps his lips with his fingers, and you catch the glint of his gold wedding band snuggled around his left ring finger. You ignore the way your heart flutters, as you lightly smack his shoulder. "No more pun restaurants! We're not in college anymore." "Ah, but I love going to those places with you. I.." The words get caught in Heeseung's throat, as they always do. He always feels like he's saying it for the very first time, just like he did all those years ago in the middle of the woods. You got stuck in a blackberry bush, and it just slipped out.

"You..?" You ask, looking at him through the mirror. Your eyes are full of concern, a look he never stops seeing. It bothers him. "I love you." He mumbles shyly, looking away to pick at his cuticles. He doesn't see the gentle smile on your glossed lips, and feels your soft hair brush his neck as you lean to kiss his cheek. 

"Mmh, I would hope so." "Yah, say it back." He pouts as he turns to face you, and you can only smile wider before you place a chaste kiss on his lips. "I don't need to, you know who my heart calls home. Now, get up. We've got a delicious pasta dinner to inhale, and breadsticks to steal." He doesn't ask you to say it back again, only watching as you walk away with a skip in your step. He knows, he does. He knows you love him, he knows your heart calls him home. He knows you love him.

He's just worried it won't be for much longer.

Saturday, 10:32am.

"Good morning." Your voice is raspy with sleep, eyes still slightly shut as you whisper into his skin. It's a God-given miracle that he's still in bed next to you, instead of slipping out early like a college hookup. 

Unfortunately, that happened more often than not. "Have we always had such shitty curtains? I can't sleep with so much light." He groans, tugging your arm over his head as he moves to snuggle into your chest. His breathing softens as you pull him slightly closer, wrapping your arms fully around his head and shoulders. "Mmh, if you were still in bed by the time I woke up for the day, you'd know." "You know I can't be." He sighs, and you feel the ticklish sensation of his lips feathering over your clavicle. His teeth tug lightly at your necklace, one he gave you for your second anniversary, months after the wedding. He loves that you never take it off. 

"It's not a matter of if you can, it's a matter of if you want to." "Don't pull that, you know I do." He kisses your skin before burying his face into your neck. "I'd never leave this bed if it were up to me." His teeth are once more doing their oh-so routine nipping at the exposed skin of your shoulder, before you shift out of his reach. "We should get breakfast."

You turn onto your back, stretching your arms above your head with a soft yawn. Though blurred with fatigue, your eyes see Heeseung perfectly, his head resting lightly on your stomach. His fingers toy with the waistband of your underwear, thumb slightly slipping beneath to rub at the skin of your hip. Your tattoo peeks through, one Heeseung never lets you forget you have. His faded initials mock the both of you. "Or, counter offer: you can be my breakfast." 

You snort, propping yourself up your elbows to get a good look at the man now in your lap. He's pressing soft kisses around your navel, eyelashes fluttering slowly as his lips pepper around your warm skin. "Hee, you barely ate dinner."

"I've barely eaten you. I'm a man deprived, please?" His eyes finally peer up at you, and you scoff out a laugh, running a hand through your mussed curls. You shake your head as you tongue your cheek, allowing him to pull at the hem of your panties once more. "I'm not above begging, if that's what it takes. You know I'll do it." "Just take them off, you big baby. You're cheesy as shit, too." You roll your eyes as he grins, a playful bite to your outer thigh as he begins to move you around as he pleases. 

"Open." He kneels on the bed, knuckles rapping on your knees to part them. You can't help but roll your eyes again, but comply as he tugs down your underwear. It flies somewhere across the room, forgotten in a corner to gather dust, Heeseung completely unaware as he lies on his stomach.

"I've missed this." He sighs, before placing a chaste kiss on your inner thigh. "I miss you, most of all. I promise I'll be home earlier this week, baby." He doesn't give you a chance to respond as his tongue quickly finds home between your legs, softly licking at every inch he can reach. Your lip is tucked beneath your teeth, fingers grabbing at anything you can…

When his phone starts ringing. He groans into your skin, the vibrations making you shiver as disappointment takes over. He ignores the sound, choosing to pull you closer onto his face when you push his shoulder with your foot. "Just answer it, Hee." "I don't want to." His voice is muffled as his tongue collects your forming arousal, a soft moan from his throat as you squirm in his hold. "H-Hee, what if it's important?" "What if it's not? What could possibly be more important than you and I at this very moment?" His eyes are filled with a mix of annoyance and desire as he rests his cheek against your thigh. You hate the pitiful groan that escapes your lips as you reach for his phone, answering it for him. "Work." 

Sighing, he moves off the bed as he takes the call, motioning for you to stay as he speaks. "Go for Lee."

Complying, you simply become a jellyfish of a human, sprawled across your bed. You wonder why you answered the phone for him, why you pushed him to take the call. It bothers you that even now, you have begun prioritizing his work over your relationship, when you both promised each other that your love, affections and time for each other would never dwindle.

You can't say it has, though, at least for you. You love Heeseung, one could even say that distance has made your heart grow fonder. Not seeing him often has made you a bit more independent, and every time you find yourself eating dinner at the table alone, you're reminded of your mother. 

How she berated you for marrying for love and not stability, how she shamed you for abandoning the career that drained you of everything you had. You dislike how easy it was for her to get into your head, so much so that you'd spent all of yesterday applying for new jobs in your field, while waiting for Heeseung to get home – and hopefully have your regular date night.

Not that he was even around to have said date. Sure, he made it up to you…but at what cost?

As you begin to sink into your spiraling thoughts, Heeseung reappears in the doorway of your bedroom. He doesn't speak loud enough for you to hear as he beelines for the closet – a mumble of frustrations spilling from his lips as he rips a shirt off its hanger. Turning on your side, you cover your lower half with the blanket that's no longer warm before speaking to him. "Duty calls, huh?" "Yes." 

In silence, you watch as he buttons his shirt, the muted teal making his skin glow softly. He doesn't look you in the eyes as he revisits the closet, tugging on his favorite pair of brown slacks. A pair you made for him a few years ago, right after leaving your job – and you remember the way his eyes lit up as you presented them. You remember the way he kissed each of your fingertips that night, covered with bandaids from pin pricks. You remember returning home the next day from a girls' day with Chaewon, to find a packet of colorful silicone thimbles, and a few more pieces of glittery, cream-colored fabric laid out on your bed.

Fabric he'd used to make you a dress, with flutter sleeves and a deep v-neckline. Fabric he'd used to sit and carefully hand-stitch the flowy sarong skirt. When did he find the time? He hadn't given you much of a chance to ask questions, before he insisted you put it on and let him take you out for a nice dinner.

It was the last time the two of you truly connected on something deeper than his work or your convenient unemployment. It was the last time that the two of you genuinely laughed together and did things from your younger years, like dancing in the twilight to no music and kissing in every corner possible on the walk home. The last time you wore his favorite perfume, because after that, months passed without a second thought about you.

The silence between you has grown neutral – not entirely comfortable, because who wants to spend their days without hearing the love of their life speak to them? Laugh with them, maybe even get into a bit of a spat with them that shows your relationship is becoming more than just the bare minimum? Certainly not you, and by the way Heeseung robotically loops his tie while staring you down in the mirror, a look of longing in his eyes before turning to you.

"I won't be long, I promise." 

He notes the way your head tilts, the way an understanding smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes takes over your face. "Don't worry, take your time." The way your hair is effortlessly splayed around your head, life's odd attempt at recreating the halo to represent the absolute angel you are. One Heeseung doesn't deserve.

You get up, swinging your bare legs over the side of the bed before grabbing for your bath towel. "I'll get ready for my day, and maybe…" You trail off as your toes touch his shoes – he wore them in the house sometimes, a habit of his you despised. 

"And maybe we can catch lunch together?" He finishes, a shy smile crossing his lips as you place a gentle kiss on his cheek. His arm snakes across your naked waist, fingers lightly pinching your hip as you smile into his skin.

"Maybe. Drive safe."

Heeseung knows that Dr. Bahng told him to leave work at work. However, Dr. Bahng said nothing about bringing home to work. He said nothing about thinking about you at work, or missing you, or daydreaming about you instead of analyzing the reports that a pair of rookies messed up. He also said nothing about reading articles by some sketchy romance columnist on how to keep your relationship alive, which is exactly what Heeseung was scrolling through right now. 

There are things in a relationship that must always be shared in order to avoid, or resolve conflict. How the other person is making you feel, how you are making them feel, and how to tackle both negative checklists properly. It is key to always remember that it must be you and your partner against the problem, not you and your partner against each other.

You make Heeseung feel…alive. You make him feel loved, cherished, and even at some bizarre times, worshiped. You make him appreciate waking up at the ass crack of dawn, your sleeping face relaxed as he peppers kisses across your warm skin – something he's thankful never manages to wake you up, but it adds to all the adoration he holds in his heart for you.

How does he make you feel? Dejected, neglected, rejected. Pushed aside for the true love of his life – work. You never bring it up unless he asks. You never brought it up until last July, when he was slumped in his office chair after drinking half a bottle of sherry whiskey, listening to music and thinking about yet another dead end that deterred him from finding Soyoung. You had approached him with a gentle gaze, a soft touch to his shoulder and asking about taking a shower together. You never questioned him, you never pressured him, you never tried to make him something you assumed he just wasn't – an attentive, doting husband.

And he remembers how he asked you, too. He remembers spinning around in his chair, stoically asking you if he was everything you'd ever wanted. Asking you if he was living up to your expectations, as a husband, as a life partner, as a friend, even.

And he remembers the way you sighed carefully before perching on his desk. "You're everything I've ever wanted, and I'm sure you'll continue to grow and be even more deserving of the love I hold for you." You had smiled, your hand coming to rest on his cheek. "Nothing we can't work through, you know? If I was given a choice in another life, another world – I'd still choose you."

He will never forget it, and he can still feel the warmth of your lips against his as you led him to the bathroom. He can still feel the ache of your love on his skin from the way you held him under the running water, quietly basking in his presence as the mint of your shampoo filled his nose. Nothing is as special to him as you are. 

There are things that should routinely be shared in order to maintain a homeostasis of the calendar. Asking how their day was, if you have any ideas for dinner tonight, or if you'd like to do something this weekend to celebrate the mundane. It shouldn't be difficult to establish a routine with your partner, if you are in tune with them. A kiss goodbye in the morning, a warm embrace in the evenings. A shared meal, a shared bath, a shared bed. 

Heeseung can't remember the last time he fully checked in with you – you always have something to do. You always attempt new creative projects, and his fingers toy with the fabric of his slacks as he remembers that you hand stitched them. He thinks about how you waited for him all night yesterday, and the disappointment you must have felt when he arrived late. He thinks about how he just doesn't make time to tackle the problem that you two are constantly glossing over by being intimate – he knows you don't feel loved. 

He didn't ask you about your day yesterday, or the day before, or last week. He didn't ask you if you were sewing anything new, learning any new pieces on the piano collecting dust in the living room. He hasn't asked about your mother, but at least he knows you don't like to talk about her. 

Heeseung hasn't asked you a single thing about yourself, or your life in a while – and he doesn't know how long it's been. Even last night, your eyes were focused entirely on him – the way his lips twitched when you said you liked the wine he chose, the way he pulled your leg over his in the booth you were sharing. You asked him about work, and he just shook his head as he pointed out the new menu items. 

You love him so selflessly.

Something that works for my partner and I is parallel play. We aren't necessarily doing something together, but we are present in the same room and doing our own thing. Knowing that he is there, and that if I need him, I can reach for him, adds a comfort to our relationship. Aside from this, we also come together every two weeks and address any issues we may be experiencing – both in our relationship and our individual lives. We resolve the issues about us together, and advise the other on our personal issues. Balance!

You do this a lot. If Heeseung is home, you'll wander to wherever he is and sit down where you can, and quietly go about your business. Sometimes it's a new cross-stitch, sometimes it's just putting a headphone in and listening to music. Sometimes you're giving yourself a pedicure, sometimes you're just sitting there staring at his corkboard of paraphernalia while matching your breathing to his. It was subtle, something you thought he'd never notice.

He sighs, exiting out of the tab before grabbing his coat off the back of his chair. Tugging it on, he uses one hand to log out of his computer when he hears three knocks on the door. A lightness of the rapping knuckles similar to yours…and your smiling face appears as you crack open the door. "Surprise?" He hates that he can't bite back his smile, a few of his fellow officers wide-eyed at his expression. He nods silently, and you extend your hand for him when you hear his coworkers whispering about you. With a dejected look, you tuck your hand back into the pocket of your jeans, "Guess we don't want them gossiping, right?" "Right." He mumbles, his own hand twitching around the doorknob as he pulls it shut behind him. He wants to reach for you, embrace the warmth you bring, show you off to the people he often calls his friends. Sunghoon catches his eye, a quizzical look on his face before shaking his head. 

Heeseung reaches for you, but you've already made your way towards the door. Your smile has lessened as you open the door, holding it for him. "How was work?" You ask as he joins you in the cool air, and he wastes no time wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you in close, his nose buried in your hair. You hesitate to wrap your arms around him, instead leaning back to try and meet his eyes. "Hee?" "Don't ask me about work." He mutters, before pressing his lips to yours softly. You let out a noise of surprise, but you can't melt into his touch before he pulls away. "I hate talking about work, let's talk about you. Over lunch." He takes your hand in his, gently pulling you to his side as he makes his way to the car. He doesn't see yours in the parking lot, so he only assumes you got a rideshare before you clear your throat.

"Are you okay?" The words are slightly jumbled as he leads you to the passenger side, opening the door for you, helping you step in. "Hm? Why do you ask?" "Well…you're actually out of the office. And you want to go to lunch…and you don't want to talk about work?" Your voice is meek, and it makes his chest ache as he reaches to buckle your seatbelt in for you. "I just want to spend time with you. Shall we?" His smile is a little forced, until he sees the soft gloss of embarrassment over your eyes.  "Okay."

Tuesday, 6:23pm.

You don't really know what snapped inside of Heeseung over the weekend. He even took Monday off, turning off his phone after calling in sick and snuggling back into your embrace. He spent all of Sunday asking you random questions throughout the day, wandering around the house as you tried to pick up to start the week off fresh. He would hold the laundry basket so you could separate the clothing, he would hold the step stool so you could dust the corners of the living room – he even re-caulked the window in your bedroom because you were sitting at your vanity doing your makeup. He seemed restless to get all of these answers out of you, and while you didn't mind, you knew this attention was only temporary.

Duty called, after all.

However…he was home earlier than usual. He typically had his session with Dr. Bahng right after dinner time, but it seems your habit of making two portions is deemed fruitful tonight. He's sitting in front of you, having arrived home thirty minutes prior – showered and ready to share a meal with you. Just like he did this weekend, just like he did when your relationship first started out.

You remember sharing meals with him in your dorm room. Your roommate was almost never there, always spending time with her girlfriend – so you had free range of the entire place. Heeseung slept over almost every night, and the two of you would stay up at all hours of the night – whether it was discussing 80s cold cases or your major.

Your major…it wasn't necessarily hard. It was one of those things that was only difficult if you didn't really like it, if you didn't have a passion for it. It was one of those things that took someone strong, both mind and body. You wanted to help better the world, see how things could change at your fingertips. You wanted to eat the world in one bite, and it simply wasn't possible – no matter your hard-earned master's degree or your passion for helping people. It was a time of realization – and it was funny, that you had the same qualifications as Dr. Bahng, but your career would never bear fruit like his.

You never really made a difference, like Dr. Bahng did. You didn't even get through to your husband like he did.

So when you came home one night a few years ago and saw Heeseung sitting at the table, waiting for you, you wondered if any of the people you helped that day would ever get to live content. You quit the very next day, your mind tortured over people you didn't know and things you couldn't control. It took a while before you got out of your head again – and even longer before you finally left your bed. It was this time when your relationship with Heeseung really tried to prove itself worthy of your time and effort – because though he wasn't home with you, to soothe your swirling anxieties and racing mind throughout the day, he was there.

He was there, with plates of fruit and warm tea. He was there, with a hairbrush gently forking through your matted hair. He was there, letting you cry yourself to sleep in his embrace and leaving early the next morning, with bags under his eyes. He understood, somehow, that you needed him more than ever before in those moments, and it seemed like that version of Heeseung was starting to reemerge – this time, without need.

"Are you hiding something from me?" You blurt, and Heeseung nearly chokes on his bite of food. Coughing, he reaches for his glass of water as you pat his back, offering him a napkin to wipe his lip. Taking a sip of water, he looks at you. "We haven't spoken all day and that's how you start a conversation?" He seems amused, a look you don't see on him often anymore. You can feel the heat of embarrassment crawling up your throat, and he pushes his plate forward, choosing to fold his hands on the table before he clears his throat. "I realize…I haven't been the best husband." You can feel your eyes begin to roll, when he taps the table. "I have never been very good to you, and yet, you've stood by me. Through ups, downs…you helped me out of a very dark place when Soyoung went missing." He clears his throat again, and your eyes catch the way he blinks back a few tears. "And I've given you near nothing in return." "Marriage is not transactional." You say gently, and he shakes his head. "Isn't it, though? In the eight years we've been together, you've given me so much. You take care of me, of our home. You…You can just do it all, and I admire it. I really, really do." He runs a hand through his hair, before reaching for your hand. You allow him to take it, and you hate to admit that a bit of skepticism is beginning to settle in your stomach. 

"Why are you saying all of this? It's never mattered before, you know." Heeseung can sense something in your tone that you don't seem to catch. A hint of…frustration, anger, maybe even resentment. He knows you probably have more to say, and that whatever it was would most likely hurt his feelings.

He kind of wants you to, though, and you do – letting go of his hand. He folds them, his plate abandoned in order to take you in fully.

"Do you not want to talk about this? I can drop it, but it'll just come back up, honey." He asks gently, his head tilted to the side as he scans your face. You suck on your teeth, your fork pushing your food around before you sigh. "Maybe you're right." "About?" He straightens, his hands still folded on the table. You give him a guilty look, though he doesn't know what you could possibly have to feel guilty about. 

"You're right, you haven't been the best husband. Hell, I don't think you've ever even really been a good husband, if we're being honest about it." 

Heeseung doesn't react, and doesn't allow his face to move as you speak. He's finally broken the dam, because now you're rambling and you can't seem to stop.

"Was it ever going to be me, I mean, really? They say that being good to the people you love really takes no effort, that it's not hard to be doting and attentive to the person you love. You have such a hard time being here for me, you have the worst time detaching yourself from work and the cases you see everyday. You come home at whatever time is convenient for you, while I wait for you like an idiot." You blurt, and Heeseung breathes in carefully, so as to not startle you. He nods, closing his eyes.

He can sense the impending lump in your throat. He's never really seen you get angry – frustrated, irritated, even annoyed have all been emotions he's both seen and enticed. You've never been angry, you've never exploded on anybody.

"Do you ever think what your life would be like if Soyoung were still around?" 

His eyes snap open at this, brow furrowing slightly but either you don't notice or don't seem to care, because you keep going.

"Do you think you'd even care about me if she was here? I get it, she's your best friend, maybe even the love of your life. I wouldn't blame you at all if I was just a placeholder until she was found." 

He's watching your face as you speak, the way your lower lip trembles slightly and your chest rises and falls in shallow breathing. Your hands shake as you reach for the plate in front of him, shoving it under your own before standing up.

His chest aches at the idea of you thinking that anyone but you could ever be the love of his life, but can't bring himself to open his mouth and tell you.

"As shitty as it sounds, the more the years pass, the more I hope she's found. Maybe then you will truly have someone to love, someone who will fulfill your needs just as you like. Maybe then I won't have to pretend that I don't know I'm second to someone who isn't around." You murmur, and Heeseung feels his stomach churn a bit as you stand, taking the plates to the kitchen. You place them in the sink, holding the cool metal of the basin before turning back to him.

"I love you, Heeseung. I loved you then, I love you now, and I may love you for the rest of my life." You speak softly, stepping back to the table. You lean on the back of a chair, the necklace hanging around your neck mocking him in the dim light. "But me loving you, will never make you truly happy. I don't need you to tell me, you know? Knowing I can keep you company, knowing that you won't be alone, is fine with me. You don't need to love me."

You smile gently, the gloss on your lips sparkling. It's one of his favorites, it tastes like vanilla.

"You don't need to love me the way I love you, for me to know you care. So, don't worry about it. You don't need to check in with me, you don't need to…reciprocate." You shrug, taking the cups off the table, and turning back to the kitchen. You stop, looking over your shoulder. "And, Heeseung?" He can't bring himself to speak. He tries to clear his throat, but you proceed anyway.  "Don't forget date night this Friday."

Thursday, 12:46pm.

You'd dropped by the precinct randomly, seeing Heeseung hunched over his computer from the entrance. The new receptionist asked you who you were here to see, and you gave his name, holding up the bag of food you brought with you. 

"Lieutenant Lee doesn't take visitors." The receptionist rolls her eyes, and you hear Sunghoon before you see him. "Minseo, this is the Lieutenant's wife."

You whirl around to see your long-time friend, who smiles down at you. "Good to see you again. Dr. Lee." He speaks politely, making Minseo blush furiously as she prints a pass for you. She apologizes profusely, but you just shake your head and give her a warm smile, adjusting your purse on your shoulder.

"How're you, Hoon?" You ask as you paste the sticker onto your jacket, and he shrugs as he drapes his arm over your shoulders. "Could be better, could be worse. However, I did hear from a little bird that you and Heeseung got into a fight." Rolling your eyes, you know that Sunghoon is just stirring the pot. He seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to your relationship with Heeseung – seeing as he was the one who got the two of you together in the first place. 

"We didn't…ugh, we didn't fight. We just…had a conversation. I'll tell you about it, when are you off? We can get dinner." You say as the two of you reach Heeseung's office. He shakes his head.

"Don't put me in the middle. I'll text you though, we do need to catch up." He says, knocking on Heeseung's door for you. You hear your husband's tired voice, and Sunghoon opens the door. "You've got a special visitor." 

You don't miss the way Heeseung's exhausted eyes look up at you, lighting up the moment they land on your face. You almost crack a smile at this, before Sunghoon shoves you in lightly. "Enjoy your lunch, Lieutenant." Heeseung doesn't say anything. The two of you hadn't really spoken since Tuesday night, and he certainly didn't expect you to come by today. Or any day, really…he remembered the first time you ever dropped by the precinct. He'd welcomed you with a tight smile, before asking you to let him know beforehand next time. You didn't do it again, for years.

"Mind if I close these?" You ask, gesturing to the blinds, and he shrugs. He doesn't close out any of his tabs as you set the food down, kneeling on the couch lining the wall to close his blinds. He takes this moment to take you in. You were wearing his favorite dress on you, the pink one with the white-lined circle seams. You're shrugging off your jacket now that the blinds are closed, draping it over the chair in front of his desk. "I brought you lunch, I hope that's okay. I probably should have called ahead." You gesture to the bag on the table, but his eyes just peer over the monitor, his brow twitching up as you sit gingerly on the edge of the couch. He hadn't cleared up or refuted any of your points on Tuesday, but the guilt he felt that night was enough to make him sleep in the guest room. He didn't know that didn't make you feel any better, in your mind it just cemented your opinions as you let your pillow soak up a few stray tears. 

"You look gorgeous." He murmurs as you unpack quietly, uncapping containers and sniffing them to figure out what is what. You stop, holding a bowl of broth to your face when you register what he said. "What?" "I said, you look gorgeous." He repeats himself, quickly typing up a rather unprofessional email to the rest of the precinct and letting them know he'd be leaving after lunch. He shoots it off, exiting the tab before standing up and stretching. His shirt is messily untucked, and he can feel your eyes on him as he twists to relax his back muscles. "Thank you…I think." He shrugs, ignoring the pang in his chest at your uncertainty before glancing over the array of food you'd brought with you. You seem a bit unsure about it all, but they're all his favorite dishes. He doesn't see any of yours – no soft tofu stew, no cold noodles, not even the tea you like. He keeps scanning your face as you prepare everything silently.

"Have you eaten already? I know you don't like any of these dishes." He asks, squatting next to you. You smile down at him, shrugging. "I'll eat at home. You left breakfast on the table this morning, so I figured you'd be hungry."

He had left breakfast on the table, but not for the reason you think. His morning routine consisted of showering, brushing his teeth and washing his face, putting his clothes on and, as creepy as it sounds, staring at you as you slept. He didn't kiss you this morning, like he usually did, but he desperately wanted to. So much so that he lost track of time just watching you sleep so peacefully, and had to run out of the house without it.

"I'm sorry, baby. I was in a rush." He pouts, and you just shake your head. "Don't worry about it. What's one day?"

It's everything. He thinks he feels your cold demeanor seep into his bones a bit, but your eyes are still warm as ever. Your smile doesn't reach your eyes, but your hand ruffles his hair lightly. He lifts slightly to sit next to you, and you press your lips to his cheek, your lipstick stamping on his skin. "You smell nice." He doesn't respond, his cheeks and ears tinging pink as you hand him utensils. Leaning back, you rest your head against the window sill, not noticing he's made no effort to even touch the food you've brought. Still, better now than never.

"I have something to tell you." You murmur, and he hums in response. 

"I figured about as much." He leans back with you, holding a rice cake between his teeth before shoving into his mouth. "Do tell, Dr. Lee." You stare at your manicured nails, the french tip suddenly bothersome to your eyes. "I had an interview this morning, at the fifth precinct. In the next town over. " 

He sits up, turning to face you completely. "Okay. How'd it go? I did hear that Dr. Park was retiring." Not a hint of malice in his voice, just pure curiosity. Encouragement, support.

"They said I can start next week. Three patients a day for two weeks, and then I will take over Dr. Park's patients as well. Well, those who want to transfer over." You don't know why you're nervous telling him this. His eyes scan your face, and you groan. "Why are you staring at me?" "You don't seem very happy about it." He says, tilting his head to the side as he bites into another rice cake. "I am happy about it. I just…it's a little far and I won't be home before you are on nights you're not set to see Dr. Bahng. I won't get to make dinner and I'll be out of the house before you are most days." 

You stop yourself from rambling, watching as Heeseung looks at you intently. He glances at the food spread out on the table, before shoving the other half of the rice cake he bit into his cheek. "C'mon."

He gets up, yanking his coat off the hanger by the door, before opening it. "Where are we going? Heeseung, the food-" "Sunghoon, lunch on me." He calls out the door, before grabbing your jacket off the chair and your purse. Looking at you, he watches as you sit still, confusion on your face before he walks over, draping your jacket over your shoulders. "C'mon, we've got to celebrate. We can go to that French place you love." 

Amused, you shove your arms through the sleeves of your jacket before standing. "Heeseung, you hate that place." Rolling your eyes, you reach for your purse, only for him to grab your hand and pull you in. His lips are on yours, a chaste kiss shared before he leans his forehead against yours.

"But I love you, and I'm proud of you. So let me show you, yeah?" 

You blink up at him, before hearing Sunghoon's grunt of feigned disgust. "C'mon, guys, not in the office!"

"Shut up, man." Heeseung rolls his eyes, lacing his fingers in yours, and you hear the soft clink of metal. Ignoring the bickering between the two men, you look down, you see his engraved wedding band gleaming up at you, having knocked with an old silver ring of his that you'd taken after it stopped fitting him. "You're wearing your ring." "Hm?" He glances down at you, before smiling. "Oh, yeah. I figured…I don't know. I like seeing it, it was silly of me to think the way I did about it."

Sunghoon scoffs at the sudden mushiness, and you look up to see half the precinct staring you down. Heeseung has your lipstick stamped on his cheek, and you feel embarrassed as the two of you get walked out by Sunghoon. Jungwon passes by, doing a double take when he sees the lipstick on your husband's face.

He smiles at you, a knowing look in his eyes as the two of you skirt past. Heeseung stops at the receptionist's desk, her smile disappearing the moment she sees your lipstick on his cheek. He asks her to cancel all his appointments for the day, and to let Captain Choi know that he would be taking the weekend off. She just nods, and Heeseung bids everyone goodbye with a whistle.

"She hates me, you know." You mumble, and he gives your hand a squeeze. “She can hate you all she wants, doesn’t change anything. Waste of her own energy.”

You don’t know what to make of this. In a way, you think you’ve forgotten your husband’s demeanor. Heeseung squeezes your hand again, "Where's your car? Did you take a rideshare?"

His brow is furrowed as he scours the parking lot for your sedan, and you shake your head. "Saving gas, I have quite the commute." He scrunches his nose, before shrugging as the two of you make your way to his car.

He opens the door for you quietly, helping you up and going as far as taking your purse to hang behind his headrest. You always complained about the feeling of the straps against your neck when you leaned your head back.

"So." He starts, his fingers carefully turning the volume dial down as the soft jazz station he plays on his commute bleeds through the speakers. "So…what?" "Why didn't you tell me you were thinking of going back to work? I thought we told each other everything." He says pointedly, as he makes a turn into the street. The light at the end is still green, if he speeds up a bit, he should make it. He sees you shrug out of the corner of his eye.

"Didn't think it'd be important. If I'm honest, I didn't think you'd notice." He doesn't like the twinge of sadness in your voice, but you clear your throat before he can mention it. "Should we take a walk later, as well? The weather feels great." "Yeah, honey. Whatever you want." He nods, his turn signal flicked by his ring finger, and he doesn't miss your eyes on his hands as he makes the turn. "Hee?" "Yes?" "I'm sorry." You murmur, making him glance at you quickly before you turn your head back to look out the window. Before you know it, he's pulling into an empty parking lot behind an apartment complex, ignoring the onlooking eyes of a woman taking her trash out. He parks carefully, turning the car off before turning in his seat to look at you.

"Sorry?" He echoes, and you peer over your shoulder at him. Your eyes are glossed over, and he huffs out a humorless laugh. "Oh, my baby. Come here." His arms wrap around you carefully, your hands coming to cover your face as he tucks you into his shoulder. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Y/N." "I do. I do, Heeseung. I was such a jerk on Tuesday–" Your muffled words stop as he pulls away, his warm fingers circling your shoulders and giving a soft squeeze. "No. You weren't a jerk, you were trying to communicate with me." "Still, I–" "No, Y/N. If anything, I've been a jerk." He huffs, letting go of your shoulders as his back hits the window lightly. "I've never been a good partner to you, and it's so incredibly unfair of me to think that you will just wait and wait until I just feel like being better to you." You blink at him owlishly, adjusting to tuck your legs under you. Your heels now sit on the car floor.

"I have never been good to you. No matter what it is, no matter where I am, I push you aside time and time again. It's like…" He stops, picking at his cuticles before sighing. "I love you so much. It's so hard for me to say and I still feel like some stupid teenager trying to figure out his feelings, but I know. I know I love you and I know you deserve to be loved far more than I can express." You rest your temple against the headrest, "Not everyone goes through what you did, though. I'd be foolish to think loving you would be an ordinary path." "And then you go and do that. God, you're so understanding and it kills me inside." He smiles pitifully, running a hand through his hair. "I want to deserve it. I want to come home and deserve the warm meals you make, I want to lay in bed with you and deserve your touch and your warmth and I want to deserve you."

His eyes sting with tears, and he hears a soft sigh from your lips. Lips he yearns for every second of the day, lips he loves to feel trail along his neck after a long day at work. Lips he pulls whines and moans out of, lips he kisses shimmery vanilla lip gloss off of.

You don't say anything, your fingers reaching for him in his lap. You interlock your hands, bringing his up to your lips and placing a soft kiss on his knuckles.

"I've thought about divorce, you know." You say quietly, his head snapping up to look at you. "What?" "Yeah." You breathe out, your fingers tightening around him. "I thought about leaving, I thought about taking one of the offers I've received in the last seven years for a job in the middle of a new city. I thought about packing up all my clothes, and phoning my mother for help. I figured, if she's my attorney, I can leave everything to you in lieu of me." Heeseung can feel his chest ache as you turn to look at him, your pearl drop earrings swinging with your hair as you do so. He feels like he's in a movie.

"But, I thought about being nineteen with you." "Nineteen?" "Nineteen." You laugh softly, your thumb now rubbing small circles into his skin. You place your other hand atop the pair, enveloping him in your warmth. "I thought about nineteen-year-old me, who saw nineteen-year-old you and felt the world come to a slow, slow stop."

You're staring up into the sky now, the odd sighting of the moon high in the sky at this hour was a good distraction. "I thought, what can I do to deserve him? What can I do to ease his pain, and help him hop through life until his answers are found, until he no longer needs me?" 

"I'll always need you." He blurts, and you nod. "You're selfish like that." He silently nods in agreement, and you speak again. "You're a selfish lover." "I know." He mumbles, not able to look you in the eyes as you sigh. "But, I like it."

"I like that you're selfish." You repeat, and he gives you a quick look. "I like that even when I don't feel loved by you, you wouldn't survive without me. In lieu of me, who?" Your voice is sweet, but he knows your words hold a bit of bitterness. You like the idea of him being nothing without you, and he can't blame you for that. If you'd treated him the way he did you, he'd wish ill upon you until he no longer could. He'd hate you.

"Shall we go?" You ask gingerly, and he nods as he turns in his seat, letting go of your hand. You allow it, buckling in your seatbelt as he readies himself, turning the key in the slot before you clear your throat. "Heeseung?" "Yes?" He hates the eagerness in his voice. He hates how he's like a dog the moment you offer a crumb of your attention, but it's what he deserves. He wants to be a lovesick fool for you, he wants your every word to burn and weigh on him like the heat of a thousand fires.

Your gentle smile kills him as you look into his eyes, a shrug to your shoulders as you let the words slip.

"I love you."

Saturday, 6:43pm.

Thursday afternoon and all of Friday had been rather odd in your house.

Heeseung spent the days trailing behind you, even offering to take you out to shop for outfits for your new job in lieu of date night. You weren't surprised, though – he was always a fan of the way you styled yourself for work. Classy dresses, skirts that fell just below the knee. Long sleeved blouses with jeweled buttons, he felt like a Victorian man going nuts over the sight of your pantyhose-covered ankles.

Tonight, he'd made it a point to get slightly tipsy. You'd gone to a luncheon with your new boss earlier, so you'd arrived just as he was finishing up vacuuming the living room with a half-empty glass of bourbon and Stardust by Ben Webster played throughout the house. He wanted a bit of liquid courage for the conversation he knew the two of you had to have – that is, if he wanted things to start changing for the better.

"Hee?" You called from the foyer, watching as he spun to look at you, face slightly flushed from the alcohol. You let out a laugh, shrugging your coat off as he trekked the living room to greet you. "Babe! How was lunch? I figured I'd clean up here a bit, I know you hate when it gets messy…" Heeseung rambled on about the housework as you gingerly stepped out of your heels, nodding along to his tipsy conversation. You left your shoes in the tiled foyer, walking towards the kitchen for a drink of your own. Heeseung had bought you your favorite sherry whiskey as a congratulatory gift on your new job.

"Wait, let me pour. You must be tired." He stops you from grabbing the bottle off the bar in the kitchen, choosing to skirt around you and open the fridge for a nice cube of ice. You liked two, he remembers. "How was the lunch? Did you eat?" You shrug, "I nibbled. It wasn't very good, it was at that Italian place we don't like." You scrunch your nose as Heeseung hands you your drink, making his lips curve slightly. "Funny, I was going to say we should give it another try." "No way, they fucked up my tiramisu. Remind me to never recommend that place to Sunghoon." You scoff, missing the way your husband's eyes trail your relaxed form as you lean against the counter. "And one of the other doctors was asking me so many questions about myself, it was so annoying. Like, we're not going to be best friends, man." "Like what?" He asks, listening to My Foolish Heart by Bill Evans Trio echo through the house. It was one of the songs played at your wedding, one of the first songs you and Heeseung ever danced to in college. "Oh, Dr. Lee, are you married? Oh, Dr. Lee, do you have kids? Oh, Dr. Lee, what does your husband do? Like shut up! Why does it matter, you're my husband, not his." You roll your eyes, not noticing the way Heeseung's cheeks flush at your words. Downing your drink in one go, you wince slightly, likely from the ice clinking against your teeth but you shake it off. "So, what do we want for dinner?" You poke at his side, and his arm reaches for you. You willingly bring yourself into his embrace, his arms looping around you gently as your fingers hold his t-shirt. "You look so pretty in your little outfit." "Dinner, Heeseung. Use your noggin." You roll your eyes, and he just peers down at you with an odd look in his eyes. Full of…admiration? "You're so beautiful." You feel your cheeks warm as you try to play off his effect on you, clicking your tongue. "I need you to focus here, Lieutenant. Me, your wife, would like dinner." "I heard you, baby." He nods, pulling you closer. You huff, but allow yourself to rest your head against his chest. The two of you had not been…close in this manner in a very long time – you couldn't possibly date the last time he held you like this, it was that long ago. You hate how easily you're melting into him, the warmth of his body, the gentle caressing of his hands to the rhythm of the jazz song playing in the living room.

"Should we get take out? We can watch that movie you like, the one with Al Pacino." He murmurs, carefully tugging the elastic out of your hair, releasing the curls from the ponytail you'd tied back earlier. You nod against him quickly, "And Keanu Reeves?" The two of you look at each other, and he can feel a laugh bubble in his throat at how excited you look as he nods. "Yeah." "Okay! Okay, I'm…gonna go change, and then we can get settled and stuff. Okay?" You blink up at him, your fingers already making quick work of the buttons on your shirt. His lip is tucked between his teeth as his eyes rake your skin, and you scoff, tugging your shirt to cover your chest. "Heeseung! Pay attention!" "I am, baby! I am paying attention!" He laughs, throwing his hands up in defense. "God forbid I want to look at you!" "You're such a man, ugh!" You stick your tongue out at him, turning on your heel when you hear him call after you. "Yeah, well, I'm your man. Deal with it!" You hate how his words make you feel like a teenager as you scamper to your bedroom, quickly discarding your work clothes into the hamper by the door. You can hear Heeseung speaking on the phone in the kitchen, soft thank yous from his lips as you unclasp your bra, sighing in relief as you dig through your husband's drawer when you hear him start walking down the hall. 

"Jesus, warn a guy." He gasps dramatically from the doorway, and you roll your eyes as you tug one of his old band tees over your head. "Heeseung, you've literally eaten my ass." "You said you liked it!" He protests, and you snort. "It was okay. You act like you're so amazed by my boobs, you've seen them hundreds of times." You flip your hair out of the shirt, opening your own drawer to fish out a pair of bottoms. 

"Doesn't make me love them any less." He shrugs, checking his watch. "We have twenty minutes until the food gets here." You look up at him, your fingers rooting through the drawer as you take in his avoidant look. He's nibbling on his lower lip as he stares up at the ceiling fan, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. You scoff, "Honey, we've been together for eight years. If you want to have sex, you can say that." "You make me nervous!" He groans, and you laugh out loud. "What has gotten into you, Lee Heeseung? One week you're begging to eat me out and the next you can't even look at me in my underwear! Are you alright?" You snort as you pull out a pair of his old basketball shorts, and he sighs. "Uhm…Okay, fine. I want to talk about our…sex life? The…uhm, the way we kind of just skirt around all our issues with it." You blink, and you want to tell your heart not to get its hopes up at his words. This will all change in a week, your relationship is beyond fixing.

Right? "Okay. What about it? You don't like that we have sex when we can't communicate?" You nod, pulling the shorts over your legs and letting the waistband snap around your hips. He nods, fiddling with his watch when you put your hand on his wrist. "I need you to talk to me, Heeseung. You wanted to talk about this." "It's…" He breathes, running a hand through his hair as you pull him to the bed, sitting down as he slots himself between your knees. His fingers toy with the hem of the shorts you're wearing, clearing his throat. "I don't want you to think I don't…enjoy it. I love…being with you, in any way you'll have me." "Uh huh?" You interlace your fingers with his, his eyes avoiding yours. "I…want to stop doing that. I know that it's a big part of how we stay connected, uhm, intimately. I know I haven't been making much time for you outside of the bedroom and that's something I want to work on." You can feel your heart pick up a bit.

"So…you want to stop having sex altogether? Or you'd like to…fight and make up?" You tilt your head, feeling a wave of nervousness begin to seep into your stomach. He shakes his head quickly, "I don't think I could ever…I'd like to fight. A lot. As much as we need to." He blinks rapidly, eyes still avoiding yours when you nod slowly. "And…you want to have sex spontaneously? Do you want to schedule it? Do you want to–" "I'm good with whenever. You can have me anytime you want, even if you don't want to have sex for the next year. I'm all yours, whenever." He interrupts, his cheeks burning pink as he clears his throat. You narrow your eyes, "Oookay. You know that goes both ways, right?" "I don't think you understand the willpower it takes not to be all over you every single second of my waking hours." His eyes are now squeezed shut, and you can feel your own cheeks warm as you feel his fingers flex around yours. You let out a soft ha, before nodding. "O-Okay, sure." "So…we're okay? Can we start taking things a little slower?" He asks with a wince, and you nod. "Absolutely." He nods, "Cool, cool. Uhm…I'll wait in the living room for you, okay? I'll set up the movie." He pulls away with a gentle squeeze to your hands, a soft smile playing on his lips as he ducks out of the bedroom. You feel your stomach sink a bit, but out of relief. You feel…lighter.

You didn't mind the once-a-week sessions with Heeseung. He'd come home, the two of you would be particularly agitated – you because you felt pushed aside, Heeseung because of work, because he didn't have enough time for you, because he just wanted to feel some sort of peace. You'd try and start a conversation, only for him to push you back on the couch or the bed, or even the carpet in your living room and kiss you breathless. His tongue would slip into your mouth with practiced precision, his hand pinning your wrists above your head as he begged you to just let him take care of you.

You didn't mind because every touch from him was just right. His lips dragging against your jaw, his fingers shoved down your pants while he whispered sweet nothings. You don't know if Heeseung remembers any of the things he says during sex – how much he loves you, something he can't openly say when he's fully in his five senses. Despite feeling the way you did about your relationship with Heeseung, sex was never something you had to feel worried about – he would get just as drunk off you as he did his favorite bourbon. Sex with Heeseung was like a rollercoaster, even the very first time. He knew every button to push, every spot to caress, to kiss, to bite. He made you feel like you were swimming in a pool of lust and love and you couldn't help but cry during the middle of it all sometimes, only to feel his tongue carefully collecting your tears. "You're so pretty."

Shivering, you fan at yourself before sliding off your bed, making a beeline to your bathroom. Out of the corner of your eye, you see him softly swaying to yet another jazz song as he drapes one of your favorite blankets across the couch. You can't help but smile inwardly, shutting the door behind you as you look at yourself in the mirror. Sighing, you grab for your face wash, not able to stop thinking.

Heeseung does love you. He does, even if he's not good at saying it. He does, even if it means he bruises the stupid tattoo you got of his initials with how tight he holds your hips. He does, because he lets you claw at his tattoo of your initials on his shoulder. You still remember being drunk out of your mind when you stumbled into the studio to get them done.

And you remember that being the first sign that being with Heeseung was not temporary. You hadn't even had sex at that point in your relationship – choosing to cement your relationship with a permanent reminder. One that you knew was under his shirt even when his ring wasn't on his finger, one he knew was just under your panties even when you were mad at him for not spending time with you.

"Baby! Food's here!"  You hear Heeseung call as you reach for your moisturizer.

Baby. A silly pet name you'd missed dearly, a silly pet name he'd used three times just today. "Coming!" You call, quickly wiping the sink of water and opening the bathroom door, scurrying out. He's sprawled across the couch, the containers of takeout spread out on the coffee table in front of him. His hand is messing with the remote, typing The Devil's Advocate into your Amazon Prime account. 

"Hey." He murmurs, feeling you press a kiss to the crown of his head. He doesn't know why he's so nervous – he's literally seen you naked. You ruffle his hair, before rounding the couch and sitting gingerly on the floor. You didn't like to eat on the couch, Heeseung knew that. You slid in front of him, your shoulders pushing his knees apart as you rested your head on the left one. He says nothing, only leaning back as he presses play on the film.

The silence between you is comfortable. You're chewing carefully, soft gasps from your lips as if you hadn't watched this movie hundreds of times. He can't help but think if this was what he was missing out on while he was at work. You, dressed down in his clothing, holding your mouth open around a particularly overstuffed pork bun as Al Pacino dips his fingers into Holy Water.

"You're cute." He murmurs to himself, and you lean your head back slightly, a bit of hoisin sauce on the corner of your lip as you chew. "Hm?" "You're cute, babe." He shakes his head, wiping the corner of your mouth with his thumb. You blink at him, before twisting to look at him properly. Your brows furrow as you swallow, and you click your tongue. You give him a suspicious glance before turning back to the television, shrugging your shoulders as you lean back again.

He likes this. He could get used to it.

Heeseung cleaned up after you finished eating. He even ran the water for your shower, opting to go in after you. You'd pouted, asking him to go in with you – but he insisted he still had things to finish up before he could even think about winding down.

However, when you arrive in the bedroom with your hair wrapped in a towel and a baggy shirt over your shoulders, he can't help but take a peek. He sees the lavender trim of your underwear from his stance in the closet as you bend slightly to fish out a pair of sweatpants, his fingers tightening around the hanger in his hand. It breaks, the crack making you suddenly look up.

"What was that?" Your eyes are wide, scanning him as you pull out a random pair of shorts. He sheepishly hides his hand behind his back, shaking his head quickly. "Nothing, honey. Oh, I saw that you were running out of your serum…thing. The one for your hair, it's in the drawer." He pressed his lips together as he nodded, and you squint at him before opening the top drawer. Sure enough, the Biosilk bottle sits pretty, wrapped in the bag you knew was from the beauty supply store. You take it out, but see Heeseung grimace in the mirror. You peer at him, before seeing the broken hanger in his hand. Rolling your eyes, 

"Maybe if you weren't so busy trying to get a peek at my underwear, you wouldn't have broken that." "Shut up." He scoffs, cheeks heating as he skirts out of the closet, throwing the hanger away in the trashcan by the door. You just shake your head, unwrapping the bottle as he appears next to you. "It's that one, right?" "Yeah, Hee. Thank you." You nod, placing it closer to the mirror. You look up at him through the mirror, noting the way he's gazing at you lovingly. "You're staring." "So?" He shrugs, and you scoff. "Get in the shower, Heeseung. I'm sleepy." "Don't fall asleep without me!" He presses his lips to your temple suddenly, and you don't get a chance to react before he's gone. You hear the door shut behind him, and you quickly grab your phone from its spot on the nightstand, abandoning the shorts you had in your hand on the dresser.

Msg To: Park Sunghoon [9:32pm] please please tell me you won't call hee in to work tmrw

You nibble on your lips, watching as Sunghoon reads the message. His chat bubble pops up, then goes back down. 

Msg From: Park Sunghoon [9:33pm] i'll run it by the guys here in a bit, and i'll let you know. cool?

You don't reply, only giving him a thumbs up reaction. Setting your phone down, you move around for your night routine. Moisturizer, curl cream…before the large bed behind you calls your name as a siren does to shipwrecked pirates.

Flopping face down, you sigh into the pillow. You weren't ready to start working on Monday – you weren't ready to leave the comfort of your home, to talk to people all day about their problems again. You weren't ready for your mother to find out through her connections that you're practicing again.

You weren't ready to stop making two portions of dinner for your husband who wouldn't get home on time, you weren't ready to not be kissed all over in the morning even though he thought you were asleep. You'd never sleep through something so tender.

"Babe, I said don't fall asleep!" You hear Heeseung whine, and you groan into your pillow before flipping onto your back with your eyes closed. "I'm not sleeping! I'm just…resting my eyes." "That's sleeping." He's closer now, and you feel his lips press on your forehead. "It's fine, we have all day tomorrow." "If they don't call you into work." You grumble, and he pinches your cheek, before you feel your husband's lips brush the shell of your ear. "You should never trust Sunghoon to relay a message." "Fuck off!" You whine, shoving him away as you open your eyes. His hair has been dried, his bottom half tucked into a pair of flannel pajama pants. He's holding an old tshirt in his hand as he rounds the bed, "You're not planning on sleeping on top of the duvet, are you?" "Some of us get hot at night." You scowl, but a yelp gets caught in your throat as you feel him yank you to the edge of the bed by your ankle. You narrow your eyes as you look up at him, seeing your husband smiling down at you with a tilt to his head.

"Why the attitude, princess? Something wrong?" 

He's talking down to you, something that makes your cheeks heat. You furrow your brows, scoffing as you prop yourself up on your elbows. His hand leaves your ankle, splaying on the skin of your thigh. "Why would anything be wrong?" He shrugs, his smile still digging into your very bones. "I figured I'd ask, since you begged Sunghoon not to call me this weekend." "Sunghoon is a rat, you know this. Remember when you pushed Jay's head into his birthday cake and Sunghoon immediately dogged you? Why would you believe him?" You try to rationalize your way out of answering his questions, but Heeseung nods as if he's understanding. "You're right, baby. I shouldn't believe him, someone who snitches everyone out because he believes there aren't enough honest people in this world." You scoff at his pointed look, knowing that Heeseung likes the little game you play. He likes cornering you, he likes giving you no way out. He likes the way your skin gets a little warmer under his touch.

"Okay, fine. I admit it!" You groan, falling back onto the bed. "God forbid I want to spend some time with my husband before I'm sent away." You drape your arm dramatically over your eyes, hearing Heeseung laugh above you. You hadn't had a night like this in so long, you can nearly feel the stupid butterflies from your college days floating back around you.

"You're going to work, you're not being shipped off to another country." He removes your arm from over your face, revealing your scrunched nose. He kisses the tip of it, seeing your cheeks bloom pink. "Yeah…" You sigh, before gently placing your hands on Heeseung's cheeks. He smiles down at you, "Yeah?" "I'll miss you." You admit, and his eyes soften as he captures your lips softly. His hands move to your hips, squeezing softly as he pulls back. "I'll miss you too, baby. It'll just take some getting used to." "Will you drive me on Monday?" You blurt, seeing his eyes widen as he nods quickly. "Absolutely. How early? Six? Seven?" You did not expect him to agree so fast. "Uhm, I have to be out of here by six-thirty to get there before the clinic opens." Your husband nods, and you watch the way his eyes move around as he does calculations in his head. "So…we'd be up by five?" He nods to himself, and you shrug. "You don't have to, I'm sorry I brought it up." "Kindly shut the hell up." He rolls his eyes, and you mimic his actions, pulling him back down to your lips. You don't say anything, only kissing him gently as his fingers toy with the hem of your underwear. You can tell he's holding back, not wanting to have this moment go like your usual nights together. He can't stop kissing you back though, and you can feel him slightly rutting against your leg.

"You're humping my leg." You whisper into his lips, and he shrugs, his fingers tugging down your underwear in one swift motion. "Don't care. Lie down." He pushes you back, quickly pushing your shirt up your chest until you get the hint and slip it off.

"What happened to taking it slow?" You tease as he kisses down your stomach, hissing as he nips just above your belly button. "This is slow, but if you want me to stop, I will." He looks up at you, eyes dark. You shake your head, earning another nip from his teeth.

"Words, princess." You flush deeper, nibbling on your lip as you speak. "Keep going." He raises an eyebrow, and you roll your eyes. "Please." "You're such a brat." He rolls his eyes, before sinking to his knees on the carpet. He pulls you closer to the edge of the bed by your knees, one of your legs over his shoulder as he kisses down your thighs. You're squirming, earning a quick slap to your leg. "Stop." "S-Sorry." You mumble, feeling him nose at your pussy. He inhales deeply, a groan from his lips as he places a soft kiss on your clit, a sharp breath caving your stomach in. "Pretty, always so pretty for me." 

You don't get a chance to respond to his muttering, feeling his tongue drag purposefully through your folds. You sigh shakily, your fingers finding his hand that rested on your stomach. He laces your fingers together as he licks at you with an agonizingly slow place.

"F-faster." You whine, feeling him smile into your wet heat. "I said I'd take it slow, princess. You can wait, right? Be a good girl f'me." You suck in yet another sharp breath as his pouty lips wrap around your clit, his hand squeezing yours gently as you whimper. Your hips grind carefully against his tongue, taking all your willpower to not beg him to touch you more. "Missed you. Missed this." He murmurs, letting go of your hand to pull you impossibly closer, his arms wrapping around your thighs as he fucks his tongue into your aching center.

"M-Missed you." You whine, your hand finding home in his hair. "Pull it." He mutters into your pussy, and you tug harshly as he groans into you. The vibrations are torture, your whimpers filling the room. He takes his time, and you can feel your thighs threatening to close around his head.

"Want m-more. P-Please?" You gasp out, and you almost feel angry at the way your husband chuckles. "What happened to taking it slow? You're that needy? Can't cum like this?" You huff, yanking on his hair – earning a low moan. He obliges anyway, slipping his pants down as he stands. He towers over you, your eyes wide at his glistening lips as his hand snakes down between your legs. You shake your head, pulling it away as he laughs breathily. "Baby, I can't–" "I can take it. Please? I can, I promise." You beg, bringing his fingers to your mouth. He watches as you lick them clean, your tongue snaking around his wedding band. You're really and truly his for the taking, loving, fucking.

He shudders, leaning to kiss you softly. Your lips only taste of sin, your tongue sliding into his mouth with practiced ease. He groans quietly, his hard cock sliding against your soaked cunt as you whimper into his mouth. “Please, please—”

“I know baby, I know.” He murmurs, sinking into you slowly with a choked moan. Your fingernails dig into his shoulders, feeling your shaky breathing against his neck. He gives an experimental roll of his hips, relishing in the burn of your nails dragging down his back with a groan. Pushing your hands off him, he pins them above your head, interlocking your fingers.

"I love you." His lips are pressed to yours before you can respond, hips snapping at a menacing pace. Your breath gets caught in your throat, pressing your bare chest to his as he trails his mouth down your jaw. "Can never get enough of you." His soft whispers receive nothing but your whines, your hand squeezing his as he mouthed at whatever skin he could reach. "Could never ask for a better woman." He whispers into your ear, his teeth nipping tirelessly in efforts to burn himself into you forever.

"Can never get you off my mind. Think about you all day, baby." He lets go of your hands, circling his fingers around your thighs and spreading them further. You clench around him, your hands covering your face as a whine slips from his throat, fucking into you harder.

"W-Wanna live in this pussy, fuck." He groans, feeling your gummy walls tighten around him, his hand snaking down to play with your clit. Your moan is sharp, thighs threatening to close around his hips but he forces them apart as your eyes gloss over. "Need you to cum f'me, pretty. N-Need you to cream all over this dick." You open your mouth to speak, only to have it covered by his lips as he leans down to kiss you. He sucks on your tongue messily, feeling your fingers rake through his hair as you pull him back, mouthing at his neck. "W-Want you to cum inside m-me." You mumble, feeling his hips stutter against the swell of your ass, but he quickly falls back into rhythm.

"Y-Yeah? Fuck, want me to fill you up? I'll give you everything, baby. Anything you want, shit–" He whines into your neck, spurred on by your soft whimpers of yeah, yeah – your nails dragging across his back once more, your fingers digging into his tattoo of your initials almost angrily. Your release rips through you with a loud whine, coating his thighs and soaking into the sheets, clenching like a vice around him as he straightens himself.

"Shit, honey–" His eyes are low as he tucks his lip between his teeth, pushing your knees to your chest as he pounds into you, pulling sobs from your throat as he fucks you through your orgasm. His head falls forward as he cums inside you, his fingers finding yours and squeezing like his life depends on it. 

"Fuck." He mutters, pressing his forehead to your chest, the room filling with sounds of your panting and his lips trailing wetly along your shoulders and neck. "When did you…have you ever done that before?" "I don't think so." You breathe out, and his skin feels sticky but he doesn't care. "What…" He straightens, bearing his weight on his elbows as he peers down at you. You're glowing softly, your eyes slightly lower than when you'd started, lips swollen from his teeth pulling at them. "What changed? How can I be better?" Your cheeks flush deeper, shaking your head gently. "I don't–" "C'mon. What was it? You've never had complaints before." He says pointedly, and you smile. "Nothing to complain about, you always do well." "But?" He probes, his eyes locked on yours, and you sigh, pushing his hair off his sweaty forehead. "I don't know, Hee. I guess…I just like when you talk to me." Communication.

His eyes narrow as he thinks, thinking back to all the times you've had sex. He's sure he's spoken to you then, likely incoherent, pussydrunk babbles–

"When you said…" Your voice fades, closing your eyes as you shake your head. "Nevermind." "I could never ask for a better woman." 

It dawns on him, looking back down at you. Your eyes avoid his as you gently thumb at a red line down his shoulder, cause of your fingernails, but he tilts your face with his hand. His fingers squish the fat of your cheeks, a tear slipping from your eyes as he presses a soft kiss to your lips. "I could never ask for a better woman, my love." Your eyes flutter closed as he peppers kisses across your face, tears continuing to fall as he kisses your cheeks. "I love you, okay? I'm so fucking sorry for making you feel like you're not the most important thing to me in this world. I'd die for you, I'd kill for you, okay?" You nod silently, but your lip curls into a smile as he buries his face into your neck. "I'm not a thing, Hee." "Shut up." He whines, and you laugh. "I love you, too. I could never ask for a better man, ever." "God, don't. We won't leave this bed." He groans, and you nip at his earlobe, sucking it gently. "You promise?"

Monday, 5:32am.

He did promise.

You and Heeseung did not leave your bedroom once on Sunday. Well, he did – when he grabbed the food delivery you ordered, and to get you water on multiple occasions. You changed your sheets twice only to ruin them again, the sex messier and wetter the longer you and Heeseung went at it. He took everything you gave him in any position he could fold you into – but nothing beat seeing you laid out on your back, his fingers bruised into your hips and love bites blooming all over your body. He liked admiring you from above, sure – but he loved nothing more than his face shoved between your legs, suffocated by your warm, wet heat.

Your whimpers were burned into his mind, so much so he could hardly leave you alone when night approached. You practically had to beg him to get in the shower, his only request being that you join him. 

By join him, he meant pressing you against the tiles and sinking his teeth into your neck and shoulders as he slid himself through your thighs over and over again. He bit down your back mercilessly, sinking to his knees behind you and lapping his tongue against your cum-coated cunt like a man starved.

Needless to say, the water ran cold and you had shampoo in your hair for an hour.

He didn't care, though. He kissed you deeply, wanting to feel every inch of you all over him before bidding you goodnight. He wanted to wake up early and make you breakfast, he wanted to pick out your pretty blouse and your heels. He wanted to be involved in your life.

"Rise and shine, baby." He whispered into your hair, holding a plate in his left hand as he pinched the fat of your cheek in the other. You groan, pushing his hand away as you roll onto your back. The duvet slips down, revealing your bitten skin. He caresses it gently, his eyes glued to your face as he goes lower. Your hand catches his wrist before he can cup your breast, peeling your eyes open reluctantly.

"I can't let you near me, you'll fuck me into the mattress." You mutter, making him smile. "Maybe don't beg me to cum inside you, and I'll leave you alone." He holds up the plate in his hand, his chest swelling at your blushing cheeks. "I made breakfast, can you get up now? I want to pick your clothes!" Your eyes widen slightly as you sit up, letting the duvet pool around your belly button as you wipe at your inner corners. "Really? You want to?" "I love seeing you dressed up for work, babe. Can I? I'll make it pretty, I promise." He draws an x over his chest, and he notices how you can't bite back a smile as you take the plate from him. He turns away as you reach for the bedside lamp, clicking it on as he practically skips into your shared closet.

"You're really chipper…" You trail off, shoveling a peach slice into your mouth. He shrugs, holding up two shirts before putting them back. "It's your first day, and I read something a few years ago about marital ambiance. If I'm in a crappy mood, it'll rub off on you. We can't have that, can we?" He smiles widely as he pulls out a black dress you hadn't worn in ages – the sleeves were long and slightly flared, and the flowy skirt ended just above your knee. The neck was high, so you wouldn't be exposing any of your weekend shenanigans. "This one? Haven't seen this in, what, two years?" "We can try that one, yeah." You speak around a mouthful of oatmeal, and he nods as he turns to your shoes. "Are you walking a lot? Or can we go for the Hot Chicks?" He holds up the black leather heels, and you just smile and shake your head. "I'll take my slippers anyway, so we can go with the Hot Chicks." 

"I checked the temperature outside, it'll be a little chilly until lunch time. Do you want pantyhose? Stockings?" He drapes the dress over his arm as he worms out of the closet, placing your shoes on the dresser as he opens a drawer. You like the sight of your husband like this. Excited for you, eager to see you take a step forward after being (willingly) stagnant for so long. You were afraid that maybe he'd discourage it – you'd overheard him talking to Sunghoon once about how your last job nearly made you lose your mind, and how worried he'd been about you.

He wasn't wrong, either – the fact that your impact felt so minuscule just made you feel like you were at home away from home. It felt like your marriage at the time, it felt like you were sixteen again talking to your mother about your dreams and being shut down. It felt bad, ugly.

You finish your breakfast and get dressed as your husband gets ready, his suit jacket the exact same shade of black as your dress, his button-up that cherry red that makes you ache with want. His slacks are pressed, his hair carefully styled as he appears behind you moments later, holding a flat iron to your head.

"No curls today, babe?" He leans against the doorway, and you smile shyly. "No, I think I want something sleek. The curls are not looking too good this morning." "Yeah?" He's not listening, running his eyes down your backside. "Hee. Stop." "I'm just looking, baby." He smiles, and you ignore the way his eyes raking across you make you feel warm. "Well, stop looking. I can't be late, not today." "So, tomorrow?" He asks, and you scoff as you pull the iron down the last strand of hair, running over the ends twice before tossing it over your shoulder. You roll your eyes, unplugging the tool as your husband's hands run over your ass, giving it a gentle squeeze. Swatting his hands away, you leave the iron to cool as you turn around. 

"Heeseung, I'm serious." You're nose to nose with your husband, who only smiles down at you. "One kiss." "In the car, after my lipstick, when you drop me off." You propose, and he shakes his head. "Right here, right now, before your lipstick and you let me go down on you." "You're insane!" You laugh, pushing him out of the way – but not before he lands a soft smack to the swell of your ass. "Stop! Let me get ready!" "Fine, fine! I'll make coffee." He scoffs, turning on his heel and going down the hallway. 

You shake your head to yourself, wandering back into your bedroom and slipping your jewelry on. Small gold hoops, the same necklace you wore every single day. Your wedding rings, one silver ring with the letter H on your middle left, and one on your right pinky with Heeseung's and your birthstones. A watch that was a gift from your father on your graduation day, the leather band slightly worn and molded to your wrist.

You hear a soft whistle from the doorway, and look up to see your husband biting his lip. "Are you sure you can't be a little late?" "Dude." You roll your eyes, watching Heeseung set down your silver tumbler on the dresser. He slides behind you as you check your earrings carefully, pressing his hips into your ass. “Did you call me dude yesterday? Could’ve sworn it was another word that started with—”

“Heeseung, you’re on thin ice.” You glare at him through the mirror, feeling him grind against you. “It’s almost like I can still hear you.” He hums against your shoulder, pressing a quick kiss before moving your hair out of the way, trailing gently up your neck and nipping at your ear.

“Please, daddy. Want you so bad.” He mocks you, watching your expression change in the mirror. You huff, your cheeks burning as you look away. “Don’t be shy, it was cute. You’re cute, baby.”

“Stop.” You murmur, before feeling his hand gently tilt your face towards his. He kisses you deeply, moving his hand lower slowly. Squeezing your neck softly, you whimper into his mouth before he pulls away, biting your lower lip and watching it spring back. “We’ll run this back later, yeah?”

You nod, earning a smile and a chaste kiss. “C’mon. It’s almost six-fifteen.”

He pushes off of you, his hand lingering on your hip before he leaves the bedroom. You sigh shakily, your fingers fumbling for your lipstick as you hear him jingle his car keys. You shove it into your dress pocket, grabbing your shoes and coffee cup off the dresser and exiting the bedroom.

You shove your shoes on as you reach the foyer, watching Heeseung pull your coat out of the hall closet. “I prepped your bag before I made breakfast, can you check it?”

Everything is there. You let him slip your coat on, pressing a kiss to your cheek and carefully fixing your hair. “What time are you off?”

“I’ll call you?” You say, and he nods. “Ten minutes before?”

“You got it.”

Neither of you say much else as you take a deep breath, opening your front door and stepping out together. You hold Heeseung’s sleeve as he locks the door, your other hand gripping the tumbler he prepared for you.

He turns, interlocking your fingers with his and bringing your knuckles to his lips. “You ready?”

You smile nervously, “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

Heeseung dropped you off a minute to seven, and even walked you to the doors of your clinic. He waited patiently as you applied your lipstick, puckering his lips cutely for his kiss goodbye. You pressed another to his cheek for good luck.

The day went smoothly. Your first two patients were two young men, both in their early twenties. One with dyed blond hair, the other with a dark brown perm. Both had tired eyes and chapped lips, bitten fingernails. The blond had a tattoo of a girl’s name on his forearm, the brunet two rings through his eyebrow.

Heeseung’s habit of jotting down small details has rubbed off on you.

Your last patient was set to arrive any minute, and you found yourself feeling uneasy. You kept changing the music you played, settling on Paradise by Sade. You smoothed the felt on the patient couch several times, even drawing a pattern in the fabric before hearing the soft knock on the door.

“Come in!”

A woman opens the door a crack, dark brown eyes peering in. Thickly lashed and lined with kohl, she presses her lips into a thin line before opening the door wider. You stand, smoothing your dress before offering your hand.

“I’m Dr. Lee. You must be—”

“I’m Jeon Chaeyoung. It’s on my file.” She mutters, bypassing your extended hand. She sits on the edge of the couch, and you brush it off. A lot of patients were standoffish at first — getting comfortable with someone you were going to share your problems with was always something difficult, you understood that.

“Yes, I know. I’m glad to meet you, I—”

“Can we just get into it? I don’t want all the formalities.” She cuts you off, and you try not to look discouraged as you settle into your chair. “Of course. Why don’t you tell me about yourself?”

She sighs, picking at her maroon polish. Something about her is off, something is oddly familiar, but you don’t know what. You notice her widow’s peak has been shaved off, and her teeth are a little too well shaped not to be veneers. 

“Well, I’m twenty-eight. I dropped out of university when I was nineteen, and I left my hometown at the same time. Haven’t spoken to anyone since, and I moved to this town last year with my husband.”

You nod slowly, tapping your pen against your notepad. You glance at her file, seeing that she had a few name changes in the last three years. Twice — Jeon Chaeyoung, before that she was Cha Chaeyoung.

Before that, Cha Soyoung.

You choke on your saliva, coughing harshly into your fist. She looks startled, her hands out as you reach for the pitcher of water on the coffee table. You pour shakily, coughing off the side before picking the glass up and taking a sip.

“S-Sorry, sorry. Had a little something. You moved here last year?”

Her eyes are suspicious as you pour another glass for her, sliding it across the table. She takes it tentatively, taking a small sip before holding it in her hands.

“Yeah. I…ran away, I guess. I felt so much pressure from everyone around me. My mother wanted me to be a bigshot lawyer, my father wanted me to take over his company on top of that. My best friend…” She trails off, and you hope she can’t sense how nervous you are. 

“He…ugh. He was so patient and understanding, and he tried so hard to understand me. He was there for me through every bad moment of my life — my mother pressing me to be successful, my father wanting me to take over his company. I couldn’t handle it.”

“So you left. You left everything behind and you started anew.” You say slowly, and she nods, her eyes teary. “I even changed my name. I knew he would look for me, I just disappeared without telling anyone. I think he gave up, but I still…”

She wipes at her nose, and you quickly offer tissues from the table. She takes a few, dabbing at her eyes before the kohl can run. She has the same look in her eyes as your first two patients — tired, scared. Even a bit…remorseful.

“I got surgeries to change the way I look, you know. I have a nose job, can you tell?” She turns to the side, and you can. You can tell, the way her nose no longer has the soft button look, but the straight bridge with pointed tip. But she doesn’t know you know that.

“Not that you’d know, sorry.” She laughs nervously, balling the tissues in her hands. You smile warmly at her. “I got my teeth done. And I even got half a syringe of filler in my lips.”

She puckers them, the clear gloss still shiny against the pink skin. You nod, “They look good, though. How do you feel about the changes? Do you feel more confident?”

She shakes her head, “No. I did it…to hide, I guess. I didn’t want my best friend to find me, I didn’t want anyone to find me. I went into hiding as long as I could, hoping my parents would just forget about me.”

“Mmh. I saw your file, and you said you’ve…changed your name. Why, exactly? Did you want to leave behind the person that was…Soyoung?” You tap the file, trying not to show the way her name makes your tongue taste sour, and she sighs. “They opened a Missing Persons case for me. It made everything a lot harder, you know? I just wanted to disappear and start a new life doing something menial. I know it sounds stupid—”

“Stupid?” You scoff, crossing your legs. “Nothing you feel is stupid, Chaeyoung. Everything and anything you’ve ever felt is valid. The need to run when things get too stressful, wanting to hide away from societal pressures. Everything, it’s valid.”

She lets out a shaky sob, covering her mouth as she breathes in. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry! You’re just a human being. No one can get upset at you for not knowing how to navigate everything, this is your first time on Earth.” You shrug, and she peers up at you through teary eyes. “Can you tell me about yourself? M-Maybe it’ll be easier to get comfortable.”

“Sure!” You smile, eager to give her an update on Heeseung, despite her not knowing. “I’ve been married for seven years. I met my husband when we were nineteen, and we started dating a little after that. I was a stay-at-home wife for the last few years, because my job…”

She stares at you intently, and you rub your neck. “I didn’t feel fulfilled. My mother, quite like yours, had a lot of pressure on me. I was her only daughter, and she wanted so much. She wanted me to marry for money, and she wanted me to pursue a law degree.”

You smile sadly, and she nods. “Did you marry for money?”

“Not at all. I made more than my husband did in my first year as a therapist.” You laugh, remembering how you and Heeseung cheered as the two of you finally had enough saved for a new mattress. It was a silly stepping stone but the two of you were ecstatic.

“What does your mom think of you now? Do you keep in contact with her?” She tilts her head at you, and you shrug. “I don’t care what she thinks, and she doesn’t speak to me. She works distantly with my husband, so he sees her more often than I do. She’s an attorney for the city we live in.”

Chaeyoung nods, slowly. She pulls her phone out, typing quickly and scrolling before turning her screen towards you. It’s a picture of her and Heeseung smiling as kids. They’re dressed as Team Rocket from Pokémon, posing with V-signs next to their winked eyes.

“This is him. He’s my best friend. I haven’t spoken to him since I left.” She sniffles, and you can’t hide the way your smile falters. You feel your stomach sink a bit, realizing that she would always know Heeseung far more than you ever would. She grew up with him, she matched Halloween costumes with him. She held his hand trick-or-treating, she dyed his hair for the first time in grade nine. 

She kissed him when they were seventeen, for the first time ever.

“Are you okay?” She asks, pulling her phone away. You nod quickly, “Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I just had some memories. I was super into Pokémon as a kid, but I moved around a lot and could never make friends over it.”

It’s not a lie. You collected the cards, played the video games, and watched the Indigo League.

“Do you and your husband have kids? My husband wants to have kids soon.” She mentions, and you shake your head. “No, not yet. We talked about it yesterday, actually.”

You had, in depth. While you were eating the shitty takeout from the diner down the road, he’d asked you. You admitted that you were open to having kids, but wanted to fix your marriage first. He agreed, but mentioned that getting off your birth control would take time to get used to. You nodded in response, saying you’d make an appointment with your doctor and the two of you could go from there.

“But us, first. Okay?” He’d said, holding his pinky out to you. You’d smiled and linked your fingers, “Us first.”

“This is my husband. His name is Jungkook.” She pulls up a photo of a particularly tattooed man, pressing his lips to her temple. He has a lip ring, and several rings through his ears. “He’s cute! Do you feel loved? Fulfilled?”

“Funnily enough, I do. I don’t feel any of the stress or pressure to be…perfect. He…gets me. He engages me, he makes me laugh. We dance together a lot, he sings me to sleep.” She nods, smiling at the photo. “Can I see your husband? Or is that too far?”

You try not to show your hesitation, but the words tumble out before you can stop them.

"Maybe next time, yeah?" She nods quickly, a blush spreading across her cheeks. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable–" "Not at all! My husband is just particular, you know. His job stops him from really being a prolific person." You smile, shaking your head as you tap your notepad. It's true, you and Heeseung hardly posted things about yourselves or your relationship on social media. Your friends were all very private due to the nature of their jobs, and it'd do you well to follow that.

The rest of the session goes on without many more slip-ups. She focuses on telling you about her relationship with her husband, how he proposed. Their intimate elopement in his hometown, with just his friends and their girlfriends. You can't count how many times you heard her mention a couple named Jimin and Jeongyeon.

You can't focus on anything but the color of her eyes. How deep they are, how much of her story they hold. You're certain Heeseung would be able to figure her out in a split second, just by looking into them.

"You're very good at this, you know." She says as she tugs her jacket on, and you don't remember her ever taking it off. The hour she booked is almost up, and she looks a lot lighter than when she came in. You can feel the weight of her confessions, the weight of knowing she was alive and well after years of searching for her on your own shoulders.

You don't know if, or when, you should, or could – tell your husband.

"Good at what?" You tilt your head, and she gives you a quizzical look. "At creating a nice environment to share my struggles. I know I mostly talked about my husband, but…it felt nice. To tell someone about him and not have them tell me they already know that about him." You smile inwardly, knowing exactly what she means. "Yeah. My husband…his best friends are also mine. Can't really talk about all his weird little habits without them knowing exactly what I'm talking about." "Oh? You don't have friends of your own?" She tilts her head, and you laugh. "I mean, yeah. But I tend to spend most of my time with my husband. It's like…a really good amusement park. I wanna go on all the rides with him, you know?" She smiles, but you see a slight flash of judgment in her eyes. Feeling your cheeks burn, you clear your throat, closing her file and putting it on the table. "Should I expect to see you here next week, Chaeyoung?" "I'd like that, Dr. Lee. My husband said he'd wait for me, so I'm going to go ahead and relieve him." She nods, before standing. You do as well, walking her to the entrance. She turns on the steps, "Thank you for listening to me." "Any time, Chaeyoung." You bid her a goodbye, watching as she walks out of the clinic with her hands in her pockets to a black station wagon. Leaning on your doorframe with your arms crossed over your chest, you see her husband get out, seeing the way he towers over her. He smiles down at her, tucking her hair behind her ear before pressing a kiss to her forehead. You can make out his lips asking How was it? 

And her own saying I'm coming back next week. I really like this one, honey.

You feel your chest ache as he opens her door, pressing another kiss to her cheek as she pulls her seatbelt on. He shuts the door, and circles back to the driver's side. He looks up, catching your eye. He tilts his head, before smiling and opening his door. He gives you a quick wave, and you put your fingers up as he reverses out of his parking spot.

It looked so easy for them.

She looked so easy to love, he looked so eager to love her. Did people look at you and Heeseung that way, too? Did they think that about you? Sighing, you turn into your office, stretching your arms over your head. You moved around, tidying up as the music you played switched to something that reminded you more of your husband – specifically, No Song Without You by HONNE.

He'd played this song almost every day when the two of you began dating. You remember this song playing in the restaurant you had your third date at. You remember this song playing in the car when he picked you up for your twentieth birthday. You remember this song playing when he asked you to be his girlfriend, and ending just moments before he kissed you for the first time. You remember this song playing when he took you out to the flower field he proposed in. You remember his teary eyes as he knelt down before you, one of the biggest displays of emotion you'd ever seen in him. Most of all, you remember him saying there is no him without you.

You don't realize you've been standing in the same spot for the last two minutes until you hear your phone ring on the desk. You rush to it, picking up the call before even looking at the caller ID.

"This is Dr. Lee." You say, fumbling with Chaeyoung's file and the cabinet. You open it before hearing your husband snort on the other end. "Hello, Dr. Lee. This is Lieutenant Lee, I'm calling on behalf of your taxi service." "Yah! You're not my taxi." You scoff, shoving the file into the J section. He laughs, "I'm outside, baby. You didn't call, so I got worried. I picked up something light, are you almost done?" "Shit, I'm sorry. D'you want to come inside? I still have things to wrap up." You screw your eyes shut, your fingers rubbing at your temples. "Yeah, sure. I'll be right there."

It doesn't take long for your husband to appear at your door, holding his badge in his hand as you type on your computer. You give him a quizzical look, before turning back to the screen. "Did the janitor give you a hard time?"

"You could say that." He shakes head, setting his keys and phone down on your coffee table. He's holding the bag of food in his hand, and you gesture to the room. "It's nice, isn't it?" He looks around, putting the bag on your desk before opening it. "It's a lot bigger than your old office. I like the green…is that Take Me by Miso?" His ears perk at the new song playing through the speakers, and you sigh, nodding your head as you slump in your chair. He nods along to the song before rounding the desk, and pressing a kiss to your hairline. "You don't look very happy, honey. Did something happen?" His hands find your shoulders as he stands behind you, and you move your mouse all over the screen. "Nothing, I'm just rebooking a patient. She…something about her. I don't know." You know your conscience won't let you hide this from Heeseung very long. Granted, you're protected by the law if you do tell him, and it's the right thing to do.

Something in your heart doesn't feel right.

"Jeon Chaeyoung." He reads, and you nod. "Jeon Chaeyoung." "What's her deal?" He asks, making you pout up at him. "If I tell you, I'm violating our patient-provider contract." He gives you a confused look, before leaning down, brushing a kiss to your cheek. "I'm sensing a but, here." You sigh, exiting the schedule and turning the monitor off. "Let me make a scenario for you, yeah?" You stand, kicking your heels off as you walk onto the carpet under the coffee table. He nods slowly, before moving to the patient couch, taking a seat as you pace.

"Let's say, you're looking at someone in a line-up, yes?" You turn to him, and he nods. "Okay. What am I looking for?" "Something familiar. You know the perpetrator and you've known them for ages. I mean, damn near your entire life." 

Heeseung's eyes scan your face, before humming. He leans back, resting his elbows against the back of the couch. "We have a saying about eyes, I guess. That they never lie, you know. Eyes are the windows to the soul and what not." 

"So if I show you a picture of me and a bunch of other people, and cover everything but our eyes, you'd know which one I am?" You feel like you're starting to sound a bit like a maniac, but your husband nods. "Of course I would. I love your eyes. I look at them all the time."

You nod quickly, before breathing out shakily. "When you were nine, what did you dress up as for Halloween?" "What?" He scoffs out a laugh, "What does that have anything to do with what we were just talking about?"

You kneel in front of him, and he sits up quickly, taking in your serious expression. "Babe, what is going on?" "Did you match with Soyoung?" You murmur, picking at his slacks. "Were you Jesse from Team Rocket?"

Heeseung's brow furrows as he takes your hands, the clink of your rings grabbing your attention. "Y/N?" "It's her. She changed her name and she changed her face but it's her, Hee. I know it is, I can tell by her eyes and she showed me the two of you dressed up for Halloween as kids. That picture your mom has framed in her office." You squeeze your eyes shut, sinking back from him. His fingers squeeze yours gently before he scoffs. "Y/N…Honey, I really, really need you to think about what you're telling me right now." "I am, Heeseung! This is just as important to me, you know that! Countless sleepless nights, thousands of posters put up every single weekend just for her to waltz into my office today and tell me about her life!" You rip your hands from his, standing and walking to the file cabinet. You fish her file out, opening it and thrusting it into his hands.

He takes it reluctantly, his eyes scanning the file with a frown on his lips. 

Emergency Contact: Jeon Jungkook –  Cell: 010-1997-090 Work: 010-2013-0613 Relationship to Patient: Spouse

"She's married." He mumbles, flipping to the next page to her insurance information. He sees her name changes, before and after her marriage. His tongue pokes his cheek gently as you sit next to him, your ankles crossed as you sigh.

"This is rather anticlimactic." You mumble, leaning your head against his shoulder. He hums in response, thumbing the print of her electronic signature. "She never used to write her C's like this." He flicks the file, before closing it. "What happens now?" Your voice is no higher than a whisper, and you feel him sigh before leaning his head on yours. "Nothing. Legally, she doesn't have to report her reappearance. She's an adult." You look up at your husband, who has a surprisingly underwhelmed look on his face. He's nibbling on his lip as he gently tosses the file onto the coffee table. You rest your chin on his shoulder, scanning his face before he looks down at you.

"You seem tired." You say softly, and he closes his eyes. "I am. I'm so tired, honey." "You don't feel any sort of way about this? I can refer her to another clinic. I can–" "I just want to go home, Y/N." He shakes his head, his arm coming to wrap around your shoulders and pulling you into his chest. You allow it, moving to sit in his lap and feeling his hands drop to your waist. "I don't have…I can't…" You look down at him, seeing the way he angrily blinks back tears as he tries to find the words he needs. Your hands gently cup his cheeks as he sighs frustratedly, burying his face in your chest. You can feel your stomach flip as he tries to breathe deeply, his shoulders tight as you wrap your arms around them. He sniffles, resting his forehead on your clavicle, your fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.

"Is it wrong to be angry at her?" He mumbles shakily, and you quickly shake your head. "No. She left, and she told me it was willingly. She came back, just a thirty-minute drive from home and she didn't tell you. You're allowed to be upset." "Then why do I feel shitty about it?" His voice trembles as he looks up at you, teary eyes full of resentment and bitterness, but behind it all is a 19-year-old boy who lost his best friend from night to the morning. You coo softly, your thumb moving to swipe under his eye as he pouts.

"Because you wanted things to be different. Finding out she's okay through me…probably wasn't the way you imagined it'd happen. Maybe you had an idea of her showing up to the precinct, or to your parents' house looking for you. Maybe you saw that she's married to someone else and it hurts you, maybe you have some underlying feelings." You shrug, not noticing the way your husband's eyes narrow at your words.

"Y/N, are you hearing yourself right now?" He scoffs, gently pushing you away from him. His hands rest on your thighs, nibbling on the corner of his lip as you give him a confused look. "What?" "Did you just seriously try and equate my feelings about this entire situation to me having some sort of weird fantasy about being with her?"

You blink twice, only for Heeseung to huff out a humorless laugh before gently removing you off his lap. He stands, grabbing his keys and wallet off the table before tapping the file. "Let's go home." "Hee–" "Let's go." He sighs, fingers grabbing the bag of dinner that you're sure had gone cold by now. He waits by the door as you gather your things, holding your coat in his hand as you slide your heels back on. "Heeseung–" "Turn around. It's cold outside." His voice isn't harsh or mean, but you can tell he doesn't want to speak unless it's absolutely necessary. You reluctantly let him slide your coat on for you, feeling his lips pressed to your temple quickly. He opens the office door, carefully pushing you out first and turning the lights off behind him.

"Can I drive?" You hold your hand out for the keys, and he sighs before dropping them in your hand. You walk quickly towards the exit, not bothering to bid the janitor a good night as you nearly threw the door open. You could feel your stomach turn as you reached the car, Heeseung still trailing behind you when his voice cut through the air.

"Walking that quickly won't get you away from this conversation, babe." You tongue your cheek, waiting for your husband to appear next to you in front of the SUV you shared. His hand squeezed your hip gently, before pulling you close. "What are you running from, hm?" The conversation where you tell me that our marriage is over and you want out because your best friend is back in the picture, you think. You shrug, shaking your head as he pulls open the driver's side door. He sighs as you skirt around him, pulling yourself into the seat without his help. He doesn't let you close the door, wedging himself in to buckle in your seatbelt for you.

"You say some really fucked up shit sometimes, you know." He murmurs, and you feel your cheeks hot as you reach around him to stick the keys in the ignition. His hand on your cheek stops you, forcing you to look at him. "I thought we said we'd work on this. On us." "I don't want to do this here." You reply shortly, not recognizing your own tone of voice as your husband's eyes widen before he tongues his cheek. "Fine." The drive is silent, the radio turned off by your fingers the moment you managed to get the car started. Heeseung sits in the passenger side, staring out the window with a tick in his jaw you'd only ever really seen a few times, but you remember most during your first fight. It'd been two days before your first anniversary, and it'd been over the dumbest thing ever – his phone dying and you freaking out when he showed up late to your early celebration. He'd apologized profusely but you didn't want to talk about it then, just like you don't want to talk now.

Heeseung is out of the car before you even manage to park fully, careful not to slam the door as he rounds the car, opening your door and taking your bag. You reluctantly let him help you down, and he takes the keys to open the door without a word. Your home is still warm and inviting, but something about the cold demeanors floating around the two of you makes it feel like you're not even there.

"Are you hungry?" He asks quietly, and you shake your head. "No." "You had lunch at noon, why are you lying?" He scoffed, pulling his jacket off as you tongued your cheek, "I'm not. You're just assuming things." "What is the problem, Y/N? Suddenly Soyoung…Chaeyoung reappears and you want to act like this? Did we not just have several lengthy conversations about fixing our relationship?" He grabs your elbow gently as you move to walk away, and you can't help but look at him with a frown on your face. "That was then, and this is now." "Why are you being like this? Babe." Heeseung pulls you toward him, and you huff in frustration as you try to weasel from his gasp. "You're acting like I'm some insecure housewife who needs you to coddle her. I'm not insecure, and even if I was, there's nothing you can do about it. Who cares? Why do you even care?" Heeseung gapes at you, before his hands circle your wrists so you can't move away from him. "Hello? Because I love you? Do I need another reason to want to understand why the woman I've been with for almost a decade is suddenly acting like she hates me?" 

"Me? Hate you? Be fucking serious." You scoff, and Heeseung's eyes narrow. "Then tell me what the hell is going on in your mind, because I'm not a mind reader. I cannot fix a problem if you don't tell me what it is." "Oh, but if I were Soyoung–" You start, but stop the moment his eyes meet yours. They're full of hurt and a hint of anger, a singular tear spilling from them before he drops your wrists with a click of his tongue. "Don't."

His voice is soft, and he pinches the bridge of his nose as he turns away from you, before shrugging his suit jacket off. He sighs shakily, and you feel your throat burn as you step out of your heels, placing them quietly on the shoe rack by the door. You purse your lips, taking a deep breath before turning on your heel, moving towards your bedroom before the tears spill from your eyes.

You didn't know what to do to stop the feeling of despair from clawing at you. And you felt stupid, thinking that you needed to even allow that feeling into your chest. You and Heeseung had spoken in depth on Sunday about your relationship – when you weren't pinned under him or vice versa. You talked about having kids, you talked about your parents, you talked about each other. He admitted to you that Dr. Bahng had told him to take some time off for the two of you before the year ended, and that he'd talk to his Captain about submitting the paperwork for a vacation sometime this week.

He admitted that he wholly believes marrying you was one of the best decisions he's ever made, and profusely apologized for his inability to cherish you the way you deserved. He held you closely as his promises to do better rained over you, and you promised the same.

He admitted to feeling his heart racing in his chest the day he met you, but was too consumed with guilt about Chaeyoung to ever bring it up, and his crush on you started developing soon after. He admitted that you made him overthink every step he took, every word he said – so much so that he figured it was just better to push you away than tell you about his feelings. The two of you recounted how Sunghoon made the two of you meet him at the campus cafe with the premise that he needed help on an assignment – only to ditch you with a frown, and figure your shit out falling from his lips as he left with Jake.

You brought up how he'd gaped at Sunghoon, and the way you awkwardly picked at your nails before confessing that you had a little crush on him. The way you rambled about knowing that his circumstances were really shitty, that you completely understood if he didn't feel the same, and that you were sorry Sunghoon put the two of you in this situation. Heeseung had only smiled as he nodded along to your words, before abruptly interrupting you to ask if you were free that following Friday. You had been, and he picked you up at seven for a date – an arcade, where the two of you jokingly did a Love Test-O-Meter and got the highest level. The two of you had scrunched your noses, but you both had deep blushes across your cheeks as the other patrons woo'd you. After, you went back to his dorm and ordered takeout, before promptly getting intoxicated on a bottle of gin stolen from Jay and watched horror films for hours before you passed out on his bed holding hands.

The rest? History.

You're struggling to pull your dress zipper down when Heeseung enters the room, his fingers gently tugging the zipper down your back without a word. You hear the gentle jazz music playing in your living room as he shuffles towards the closet, unbuttoning his shirt before hanging it back up. His hand reaches for one of the towels on the shelves, before taking another out and placing it on the bed.

A silent invitation to join him in the shower, if you so felt like it.

You hesitated, watching the way he gathered his pajamas and tucks them under his arm, the urge to follow after him far too strong as you stepped out of your dress, letting it pool on the floor. You kicked it away with a huff, before stripping entirely and grabbing the towel and your robe off the back of your bedroom door. You linger at the bathroom door, hearing the water start to pour and the sound of the shower curtain being pulled open. You walk in silently, setting your things down on the counter as Heeseung undid his belt, hanging it up on the hook by the door. You make a mental note to take it out when you leave, he'll forget it and not wear it for weeks until he sees it again. He tilts his head towards the shower as he peels off his undershirt, signaling for you to get in while he gets undressed.

The water is hot against your skin, and you close your eyes with an inward sigh. He steps in moments after, before tilting your head back just slightly so the water can cascade through your hair. Your hands instinctively move to touch him, but you retract back to your sides. He gently takes them, wrapping them around his waist like you usually do.

He doesn't say anything as he washes your hair gently, your eyes closed so as to not take in the image of your husband's slightly swollen eyes. His fingers card through your hair smoothly, before you feel his lips on your forehead. 

"I love you. Don't say it back. Don't say anything." You don't, but you're sure he sees the tear that slips from your eye as you nod silently. It comes so easily to him now. So, so easily to let you know how he feels about you. It makes you weak in the knees.

The rest of your shower is like that, his lips brushing chaste kisses all over your face as he repeats himself over and over, I love you, I love you, I love you. Your tears are hot as they continue to spill, and you finally slip out of the shower when he asks you to take the extra pillows off the bed – his final kiss to your lips after carefully washing your face for you.

You do as he asks, taking your decorative pillows and piling them in the closet like you usually do. You silently get dressed for bed, not bothering with your skincare – you'll just cry it off. Your hair is still damp when you lie down in one of your husband's old shirts and a pair of Spiderman briefs you stole from him years ago. He quietly turns all the lights off but leaves the music playing in the living room, before walking into the bedroom as he pulls his shirt over his head.

Your vision is blurry as you look up at him, his face illuminated by the evening moonlight. He sighs as he sits on your side of the bed, his hand sliding under the duvet to rest on your thigh. "Come dance with me." You blink a few times, staring at him before closing your eyes, shoving the duvet to the side and swinging your legs over the side of the bed. He stands, taking your hand in his and making you follow him to the living room.

You hear the opening notes of Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers – yet another song from your wedding – as Heeseung pulls you into him, planting a soft kiss to your hairline as his hands find home on your lower back. You exhale into his chest, feeling his heartbeat quicken as you slide your hands under his shirt, resting them high on his back. 

"I love you, I'm sorry." You mumble as he sways the two of you gently, and he hums in response.

"I need you to know that I've never had feelings for Chaeyoung." He says clearly, and you close your eyes. "I've never had feelings for her, in any way that wasn't platonic. There are plenty of reasons she and I never got together after she kissed me when we were teenagers. Not that they matter, because all that matters is that I didn't feel the same, I never have and I never will." You don't respond, feeling your eyes sting with tears.

"It's only ever been you for me. I've never once thought back to when we started dating and thought that I'd would’ve been better off with anyone else. I've never wanted anyone that isn't you, and I think that is equally as beautiful as it is terrifying. In lieu of you, who? I'd have no first love without you, you’re the only love I want." "I'm sorry." You whisper as your tears soak into his shirt, and he pinches your hip lightly. 

"I'd genuinely be nothing without you. You are the most patient, loving person I've ever met. No one makes me want to be a better man like you do. I feel sick every time I have to get out of bed and go to work, but I remind myself that you only deserve the best. This house, our things, what I hope I can provide for our future kids…it can only be the best. So, I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry for giving so much importance to the future, which isn't a bad thing in itself. But, I've ignored my present. You're a gift from life, I've ignored you and it pains me to know I've caused you so much distress. So much so that you resort to feeling like this, like I'd ever leave the love of my life, the love for my life, for someone else."

His hands find your face, cooing at the pout on your lips as he gently wipes your tears. "I meant everything I said this weekend, too. I could never ask for a better woman, not when I have you." You only let out a sob in response, your husband cuddling you into his chest as he turns the music off when the song changes. He rubs your back as he moves the two of you back to the bedroom. He only separates from you to slide under the covers, but pulls you flush to his chest and envelopes you tightly in his arms.

"I love you so, so endlessly. Please don't ever doubt that again." He sighs shakily, pressing his lips to your temple as you bury your face in his neck. "I love you, Hee."

Friday, 3:40pm.

It'd been three weeks since you told Heeseung about Chaeyoung's return, and she'd become a regular patient at your clinic. She told you more about her husband, her friends, and how she missed Heeseung. She asked you about your life, and you did everything to avoid mentioning names, even going as far as avoiding certain questions. You kept Heeseung updated with everything, and the more you told him…

…The more disinterested he became. It was odd to you, but you said nothing as he changed the subject, as he rolled his eyes, as he kissed you in the middle of your sentences. 

Heeseung also made it a point to drop you off and pick you up from work every day, insisting he enjoyed it. He made your breakfast and picked your clothes, and it was like every morning was a challenge to see if he could convince you to take a trip to the bedroom in your work clothes. He'd succeeded twice, and you were late to work both times. He hadn't been successful since, earning soft swats of your hand and gentle shoves.

However, this morning – you did it all on your own. Heeseung had recently taken on a new case and it was cutting into his sleep. He came home not even an hour before you woke up, several apologetic calls and texts throughout the night before you fell asleep at midnight without him.

You tucked him in, planting kisses across his face as you shrugged your coat on. He didn't stir, and you packed his breakfast and lunch and left it on the table. You took the long way, playing the same soft jazz station he did every morning.

One of your patients had called to reschedule, so you'd have an early afternoon home. You got a text from Heeseung moments after arriving at the clinic, complaining about why you didn't wake him up to take you – only for him to call you at noon and say he'd barely gotten up for work. You'd laughed and teased him about thinking he'd be able to take you to work when he clearly needed the rest, only to hear Sunghoon tell your lovebird of a husband to get off the phone and focus.

It'd been nearly four hours since then, and you were about to wrap up with Chaeyoung.

"I found him on social media, you know. His mom posted a congratulatory post, he works in the same town. He's a lieutenant at the Seventh Precinct." She picked at her nails, a frown on her lips as you try not to show your shock at her words. "Who, your best friend?" "Yes. He's married now, too. I couldn't find anything about her, though. His parents didn't post anything about the wedding but a backshot of him and the bride." She sighs, and you think back. You'd both asked his parents to keep it private, and they both chose that photo to post across their social media to boast to their friends. You'd appreciated it so deeply that you bought them a rice cooker for Christmas that year.

"Do you plan on going to see him at some point?" You ask smoothly, refilling her glass of water as she shrugs. "I planned on going today, actually. I'm just…nervous. I had a friend drop me off today, and I'd be going alone. I feel like I'd need a support system." "I can go with you, if you'd like. I'm headed that way anyway." The words tumbled out before you could stop them, and her eyes widened with surprise before she smiled. "You'd do that?" "Of course. This is a big step for you, you know? I'd just have to make some calls, I know that precinct happens to be rather finicky with visitors." You shrug, feeling the pit in your stomach grow deeper as you wonder how you're going to tell Heeseung. She nods excitedly, and you excuse yourself, walking down the hall so nothing can be heard through the door.

The line rings three times before Heeseung picks up.

"Hey, baby. What's up?" "You can't be mad at me. Promise you won't get mad." You rush out, and he laughs. "I won't be mad. At least, I don't think I'll be. Are you okay?" "She wants to meet you. She said she's going over there today, and my stupid ass offered to drive her over because I'm going home early, anyway." You're wincing as the line goes silent, before your husband sighs. "Oh, babygirl." You can picture him pinching the bridge of his nose, the particular pet name only really slipping when he's stressed. "I'm sorry, honey." "No, no. It's fine, just..let me get some stuff settled, I'll let Minseo know to let you through without issues." He trails off, before another sigh is heard. "Does she know we're married?" "She found that back shot from our wedding. She doesn't know it's me." You sigh shakily, and your husband only echoes it back. "Alright, I'll let the guys know. Will you be in the room? I don't think I can do this alone." "Yes, of course. I won't be there as your wife, though, if that's…fine. Just think of it as that one time we roleplayed."

Your husband snorts, "Babe, that was the most awkward thing ever." "Because you can't hold character! But don't worry, we'll spin that one back someday." You hum affirmatively, earning a soft laugh. "I love you, baby. I'll see you in what, thirty?" "I'd run red lights for you if it wasn't illegal and dangerous." You shrug, despite him not being able to see you. He's probably rolling his eyes, a click of his tongue coming through the phone. "Be good, honey. I'll see you. Love you." "I will. Love you." You shoot a few texts off to the other detectives as the line hangs up, before sliding back into your office and seeing Chaeyoung sprawled across the couch with her arm over her eyes. "You alright in here?" Your soft chuckle startles her, and she straightens quickly, brushing her hair out of her face. "Sorry, I'm nervous." "Not to worry. They know me well, so don't be startled if anyone says anything." You smile as you grab your coat, before floating over to your computer and clicking around. "Ready to go? We can even stop and get a little drink for the drive." "You're such a girl, I love it." She giggles, and you feel your stomach sink as you shake your head with fake amusement. You feel awful lying to her – she'd been so open and honest, warming up to you incredibly fast. She eagerly bounces alongside you as you walk to your car after gathering your belongings and locking your office, slipping into your passenger seat as you quickly buckle yourself in.

The ride is full of nervous chatter from her and you drop your guard a bit, opting to talk to her about Heeseung through memories. You tell her about your first date, and she's amused, telling you about her first date with her husband – talking about how the two of them wound up getting lost in Busan because he'd forgotten his way around a smaller part of town. You only smiled throughout.

You arrived at the precinct with an iced coffee from a shop a block away, Chaeyoung holding an Americano as she nervously chewed her lip. You spoke to Minseo softly, your eyes pointed as she nodded – it seemed Heeseung had vetted everyone before your arrival. "Go ahead, Dr. Lee. Lieutenant Lee should be in his office, his schedule is clear for the afternoon." "Thank you, Minseo. Take a break soon, okay?" You give her a warm smile and this time, she returns it, before printing your visitor stickers and giving one to Chaeyoung. Her fingers tremble as she sticks it on her denim jacket, and you see Sunghoon staring intently in your direction before you give him a dirty look.

"Dr. Lee! Good to see you, it's been a while." He wanders over, draping his arm over your shoulders as you try not to groan in annoyance. "Detective Park, always a pleasure." "Sunghoon?" You hear Chaeyoung whisper, and he glances over at her with a mock look of surprise. "Yes? Do I know you?" She opens her mouth, but you quickly shake your head, reaching for her hand. "Later. I promise you'll have time."

"Sorry." She mumbles, but she looks over her shoulder at Sunghoon for a bit as you walk through the precinct. You note the way her eyes widen at the sight of Jake and Jay, their serious faces contorting to ones of confusion at her longing glances. They all pretend like their hearts aren't racing out of their chests as you knock on Heeseung's door, hearing an affirmative sound to come in.

"Lieutenant Lee." You poke your head in, squeezing Chaeyoung's hand in yours as your husband looks up. You fight the urge to say he looks handsome in his white button down and blue suit jacket, but he stands before you can say anything else.

"Dr. Lee, always a pleasure to see you. How can I help you?" He opens the door further, and you can almost hear the way he thanks his years of training for the stoicism on his face as he sees Chaeyoung. You pull her into the office as he steps out of the way, her eyes wide as you sit her down and quickly close the blinds, sticking your tongue out at Sunghoon for good measure.

You almost forget Heeseung has a few photos of you on his desk, and you look over your shoulder to see them all facing the wall behind his chair. You nearly sigh in relief, but clear your throat instead as you sit next to Chaeyoung. Heeseung smiles softly, checking his watch.

"How can I help you, ladies? Oh, I'm Lieutenant Lee Heeseung. At your service." He extends his hand, noting the way hers trembles as she takes it. He gives it a firm shake, before glancing at her again. "You look…kind of familiar. Have we met before?" "I can't." She whispers, her hand gripping onto the sleeve of your coat as you nod, before clearing your throat. "It's okay. You want me to talk?" She nods without a word, and you give Heeseung a pleading look. "So, we have a bit of a…predicament." "Right, as one would assume." He nods slowly, and you note the way he nervously chews his lip before taking a seat on the opposite side of the couch. "Are you in danger, or some sort of trouble?" He clicks a pen from his pocket, opening a drawer from the side table to take out a notepad.

"More like we have some answers to a case that went cold a few years back." You hear him hum, the pen not touching the paper as he looks up. "Alright, should I pull up some records?" "If you'd like, but it was a Missing Persons case you were involved with. Do you remember when we talked about it when we first met? The Cha Soyoung case?" "Ah…right. Right." He clears his throat, and you can see the tears beginning to well in his eyes as he blinks them back. "That case has long been dry, with lots of dead ends. Everyone in the precinct is familiar with it. Last update was, what, three years ago? Some sightings a few miles away." "Lieutenant, this is Jeon Chaeyoung." You introduce her properly, her eyes peering at him over your shoulder. He blinks, nodding slowly. "Formerly known as Cha Soyoung." He tilts his head at your words, as if he didn't already know. He stares blatantly, and you make her scoot up a bit so he can get a better look at her face. His eyes scan her repeatedly, before he stands up and moves to his desk, opening a drawer and taking out one of the many missing posters you used to put up every week. He looks at it for a moment, and sighs shakily. "You know, I appreciate you coming by–" "Hee, it's me." She blurts, a few tears rolling down her face as you see a pained look on your husband's face. He nibbles on his lip, his eyes full of stress as he looks at you. She stands up, and Heeseung tongues his cheek as he shakes his head. "Soyoung had a widow's peak, and a birthmark on her neck." "Heeseung, please. I know you're upset, and I…I'm sorry. I've missed you..." She trails off, and you note the way he's near tears, looking away from her, the paper crumpling in his hand as he clears his throat. "Dr. Lee, can I see you outside?"

Chaeyoung gives you a look of despair, and you just pat her shoulder with an apologetic look as you watch Heeseung storm out. "I'll talk to him, don't worry." She opens her mouth to speak, but she just sighs. Nodding, she takes a seat, and you tighten your coat around you as you follow your husband out. He's in the break room a few feet away, and he nearly shuts the door with a slam as you slip inside. His arm reaches for you, pulling him into you roughly and squeezing you so hard you can't breathe for a moment. "I can't do this. I'm not strong enough, Y/N." His voice is unsteady, but you snake your arms around his waist with a hum. "You know, I was worried. I was beginning to think you were going to let this all just…go. You are strong enough, and you can do this.. I know this is scary, it's so overwhelming. I know you, though. You're Lee Heeseung, you don't give up on anything. It's been almost a decade and you've worked so hard to get here. Don't you want to see the fruit of your hard work?" Your voice is soft but stern, and your husband only whimpers pitifully into your shoulder. You coo, running your hand down the nape of his neck as you sway the two of you gently. "I love you, baby. I believe you can get through this. You deserve a happy ending to it all. So many years of stress won't be good for your hairline." He actually snorts at your joke, but the tears continue nonetheless as he moves away, pouting as he sits in one of the chairs. You wipe your hands on his cheeks gently, offering him a tissue from your pocket as you squat in front of him. "It's gonna be okay. I promise." "I don't want to make amends. I don't think I can forgive her for this." He sniffles, and you nod in understanding. "That's okay, too. You don't need to be her friend again, even if that's what she wants. You owe her nothing, and vice versa." "I love you." He whines, covering his face with his hands as you laugh softly. "I know, I love you too, Hee."

"No, seriously, I'd ask you to marry me again if we weren't already married." He grabs your hands quickly, and you nearly lose your balance as he jerks you forward, enveloping you in a crushing embrace. "Submit your vacation paperwork and we can renew our vows instead." "I love you so much!" He cries into your coat. You can't help but laugh out loud, a bit of shock running through you as you take in his very big emotional outburst. "I know, I know! Now please, get it together. We've got to get back, and you need to talk to her. The poor girl is vibrating out of her skin."

"Kiss me." He pouts, looking up at you as you stand. You roll your eyes. "After. Promise." "I need it for encouragement. Be the wind beneath my wings, babe." He begs, making you sigh. "One kiss, and keep your tongue in your mouth." "Two kisses to make up for the lack of tongue." He counters, and you smack his arm before pressing your lips to his. His hands instinctively hold your waist, your own moving to hold his cheeks gently. It's slow and sweet, and you pull away as his teeth nip at your lower lip.

“Stop that." You brush two more chaste kisses on his lips, a pout appearing as you squeeze his hand. "Come on, we have to." "I love you." He repeats for the umpteenth time, and you know he's finding comfort in knowing that you both feel the same and are there for moral support. "I love you, Hee. Now, let's go." The other detectives pretend they don't notice the way you hold his hand tightly as you both exit the break room, Heeseung ducking his head to hide his teary eyes as you open the door to his office. You pop your head in, seeing a rather disheveled Chaeyoung on the couch.

"How're we feeling?" You call gently, squeezing Heeseung's hand behind you before you let go. She gives you a thumbs down as she wipes her eyes, and Heeseung clears his throat behind you as he carefully slips past. She shifts as he does so, and you shut the door behind you. He sits across from her carefully, her eyes shimmering with tears as she peers up at you.

Heeseung does the same, before glancing at your wedding rings. They're snug on your finger, and you carefully thumb at them as you gingerly take a seat on the couch next to Chaeyoung. You give him a pointed look, and he sighs, running his hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry, Hee." She whispers, and he nods. "I'm sure." "I really am. You would've talked me out of it, I know you."

Heeseung's hands flex on his knees, "You could've talked to me, at least. You could've said literally anything. You just up and left and expected no one would care." "You don't get it, Hee. I felt so much pressure from everyone around me, I was so tired of pretending like I wanted any of that for myself. I didn't want to take over the company, you knew that." She tries to reason, but you can tell he's fighting himself from saying anything out of line as he takes a deep breath.

"It's always what I knew and what you knew, but you clearly forgot the fact that you were my best friend. Since we were kids, and the most painful part of this all is confirming that you didn't trust me that entire time. There's no coming back from this." 

She's silent as he picks at his nails, before she speaks softly. "Don't you at least want to know how I'm doing?" He scoffs quietly, folding his hands in his lap. "Sure. Tell me everything you've built for yourself while I've spent a decade agonizing about whether or not you're alive." His tone is harsh and you find yourself giving him a hard look, your jaw tight as she looks down. He doesn't apologize, and you find yourself speaking softly.

"A lot of big feelings here, hm? There's a lot of pain to get through, so…let's not take anything to heart right now." You nod, and Chaeyoung nods next to you as she clears her throat. Heeseung doesn't acknowledge it, opting to bounce his leg.

"I got married. I know you did too, right? During college?" She nods, and he clicks his tongue. 

"Heeseung, be nice." You say his name out of habit, his eyes snapping to you as you wince at your mistake. "Didn't know we were on a first-name basis, Dr. Lee." "You know what I mean." You roll your eyes, and Heeseung sighs. "Yeah, I got married in college right after I turned twenty-one. Seven years ago."

"You're awfully young to be a Lieutenant." She says softly, and he struggles not to roll his eyes. "Doesn't take much to get promoted when you're constantly mulling over cases and neglecting other things for someone who didn't want to be found. You could've called, you know."

"Could I have? Because it seems like you hate me for doing what's best for me." Her eyes are narrowed now, and he scoffs. "I think I'm allowed to hate you for all its fucking worth at this point. You abandoned me nine years ago, you just up and left without a word! Do you know how many birthdays I had to spend answering questions about you instead of celebrating with my loved ones? You know how many date nights I shoved aside with my wife because I was here, hoping I'd get a crumb of knowing that you're at least alive? Do you understand how much of my life has gone into this?!" Heeseung is starting to lose his patience, but it seems Chaeyoung had been ready to blow her top for years.

"What about me, Heeseung?! You think I liked always being on the fucking sidelines, waiting for you to notice me? I had to fucking disappear for you to care about me? For you to look my way even once, I had to uproot my entire life? Is that what it had to fucking come to?!" 

Your lips part at her words, Heeseung's eyes widening before they narrow. "Are you serious? That's what you want to attribute this to? I didn't reciprocate your feelings so now I'm the bad guy? You fucking left, instead of communicating with anyone. You made that decision, no one forced you to take that road." "I did what I had to, and the fact that you never wanted to be with me despite us literally being the perfect love story was just the cherry on top. It was my catalyst and I hope you know that I resent you for making me feel so undesirable." She huffs, and you clear your throat as Heeseung glowers. 

"I think…we've lost our way a bit. This was more about reconnecting, I assumed it'd be a bit more peaceful. The blame game gets us nowhere." You sigh, running a hand through your hair. Chaeyoung takes a deep breath, struggling not to roll her eyes before pulling her phone out. "This is my husband. You'd like him, he plays bass and he produces music for an entertainment company. His name is Jungkook, we got married two years ago." Heeseung gives you a glance, your eyes nervous as you breathe out.

"Everything alright?" He asks gently, and you know it's his way of asking if he can talk about you. Your eyes are nervous, but you nod anyway, playing with the hem of your dress. Chaeyoung gives you a once over, patting your knee with a smile. 

"I'm sorry, I know this must be stressful. I should've never taken your offer, Dr. Lee." "No, I think this was necessary, really. For the three of us." You shrug, attempting to appear nonchalant. Her smile doesn't reach her eyes as Heeseung clears his throat, standing up to grab the photo of you off his desk. It's you on your honeymoon – the two of you took it the summer after you graduated from college. You were wearing a white dress and it was one of the most picturesque candids in your collection. He gives you a waywards glance, but you only nod as he sits down.

"This is my wife. You'd like her, she plays piano and crochets and does cross-stitch. She's a therapist. Her name is Y/N, we got married seven years ago." He flips the picture, and you watch her eyes widen out of your peripheral vision. She takes it gently, her manicured thumb stroking your smiling face. She looks pale as she turns to you, her jaw tight.

"Chaeyoung, I'm sorry." You whisper, and she gives you a glare. "Are you? You knew this entire time and you let me open up to you about everything? Did you tell him, too? Did you tell everyone here?" Her voice only raises as she scoots away from you, and you feel your cheeks heat as you run a hand through your hair. "We spent years looking for you, Chaeyoung. There were so many sleepless nights, so many tears, so much stress over you. This is hard for me too, you know." "What, loving a man who is nothing but a shell of a person? Yeah, I'm sure you loved filling his fucking cup until it overflowed while he casted you aside." She sneers, and you feel your chest tighten. "I'm sure it felt great being stuck in your house, wondering when the fuck he'd be home because he was here. Looking at case files, talking to forensics, doing anything instead of being home with you." Your throat burns as you clear it, but Heeseung interrupts as he takes the photo of you back. "Chaeyoung, you're obviously angry. I can't blame you for that, but I also won't allow you to speak to Y/N like this. She's here to help both of us." "Yeah, well you can take your help and fucking shove it, Y/N." She huffs, gathering her coat from the couch cushion. You stand quickly, holding your hands out to deter her from leaving. "Chaeyoung, please let me explain–" "Explain what? How you're a lying bitch?" She spits, and Heeseung's eyes narrow as he opens his mouth to say something, only for you to wave him off. Your gaze is unreadable as she continues to berate you. "You want to explain why you let me agonize over Heeseung for three weeks, and how you listened to me tell you how I felt about him and said nothing? What kind of fucking therapist are you?" "A dumb one." You say softly, "I didn't tell you I was married to Heeseung because that's none of your business. Getting you involved in my personal life could be incredibly damaging to my career, but I did it because I've known about you since before I met Heeseung." Her eyes are aflame as she stares you down, but you don't budge.

"I don't fight over men. I never have, I never will. What I will do, though, is tell you that though I knew mixing my personal life and my career could be a disaster, I did it because I love Heeseung. You suffered, you left because of all the pressure you felt. I understand that pressure, too. I know what it's like for your family to expect something from you that you simply don't want to provide, or feel like you can't."

Her eyes well with tears as she looks away.

"Just as you suffered, though, we did, too." You gesture at the space between you and Heeseung, and he steps slightly closer. "I cannot tell you the nights we spent walking all over town and putting posters anywhere they'd allow us to. I cannot even begin to explain the stress everyone felt, all of your friends, all of your family members because you just disappeared. I wasn't your friend, and I didn't know you personally…but it affected me, too." A tear falls down her face, and you reach to wipe it with the sleeve of your coat.

"There were so many nights that I'd be in Heeseung's dorm just talking about you. He'd tell me so many stories, he's shown me so many photos of you together. He's told me every piece of your life that he knows, and you've sat in my office for three weeks and done the same for him. Things I already knew, and things I didn't." She silently sits back down, letting the tears drip down her face.

"I know it's painful, to want something or someone so bad and have it be just out of your reach. I know it sounds like I'm bragging, or maybe like I'm trying to rub it in your face but I promise I'm not. Loving Heeseung has not been easy, there were many times I wanted to give up. There were nights he'd be locked in the home office, overthinking himself into a bottle of bourbon." You laugh softly, taking Heeseung's seat across from her. He stands behind you, his hand running up and down your back.

"There were times I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to hurt his feelings because he made me feel neglected. He'd come home late, he'd miss dinner, he wouldn't be around to just hang out. You told me during our first session that you and Jungkook dance together all the time, that he sings you to sleep. I cannot tell you how envious I would have been, had I met you just a week earlier." 

Her gaze meets yours, surprised. "What?"

"I mean what I say and I say what I mean." Heeseung speaks up, his voice a lot softer. "I was not a good husband. I'm still not, but it's not your fault. It's my fault, I wanted so badly to know that you were at least okay that I completely neglected Y/N. I wasn't present, emotionally or physically." "I knew it wouldn't be easy, loving someone like Heeseung." You interrupt him, "I knew loving someone who had gone through something so gut wrenching would be one of the most difficult things I'd ever have to do. I wanted it so bad, Chaeyoung. I wanted to love him, and be the glue that held him together. I wanted to be the person he woke up with in the mornings and the person he kissed goodnight. I wanted to be there, no matter what it took." "So you allowed all of it." She murmurs, and you sigh. 

"I fought it. I didn't want to brave the storm that was Lee Heeseung in college. But like a moth to a flame, I stayed. I got hurt time and time again, but the good outweighed the bad so much. I saw so much potential, I saw so much kindness and I knew in my heart I could help it flourish. And now, we're here." "Don't you feel jealous?" She asks, making you smile sadly before nodding. "Of course I felt jealous. I knew there was a girl that knew my husband more than I ever would, and I envied that. I wanted to know everything there was to know, but I had to come to terms with the fact that it simply couldn't be. We're ever-evolving, and while you may have known each other for so many years…you've both changed so much." She closes her eyes, her chipped nails digging into the fabric of her peacoat. Heeseung's hand rubs circles into your back, before you feel him squeeze your shoulder. "I don't hate you." She says suddenly, her eyes on Heeseung. He clicks his tongue, "I don't expect you to. I haven't done anything to you to make myself worthy of hating."

"Why not me?" She mumbles, and Heeseung's eyes close as he pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Just tell me that." "I can't do that to you, Chaeyoung." He shakes his head, and you hear her scoff. "Just do it, it'll make getting over you a lot easier. I already know you're married, I'm not going to make a fucking move." "I wouldn't allow it, either." He says through gritted teeth, making you shift in your chair, clearing your throat. "Would you like for me to step out?" "No." They say in unison, and Heeseung holds onto your shoulders as he looks at Chaeyoung. "Don't you think your family wants to know you're okay? It's been nine years." "What, do you keep up with them? Do they care about anything else besides that stupid company now?" She rolls her eyes, her jaw tight as she stares at her boots. "Your father sold it." Heeseung speaks softly, "He sold it not even a week after you left. Your sister bought it from him and funded half of the search party that looked for you for a year." Her eyes stay narrowed as her lips purse. "Doesn't mean they care. It was always the company this, the company that. Just like you, Hee." She glares up at him, "Focus on school, Soya. Let's study, Soya. We got into college and you just stopped wanting to hang out like we used to." "I'm 'just like them' because I prioritized my studies? Because I was on scholarship while mommy and daddy paid your way? My fucking bad, Soya." He scoffs, making her scowl. "See? You're just like them." "You're ungrateful! You've always been so blind at how things were just handed to you, you were always so fucking out of touch with everything! Your father had an entire company, a collection of businesses that he sold because you just wanted to up and leave! I don't think you will ever understand how privileged your life has been, even in the years you've been gone." His laugh is humorless as he shakes his head, and you clear your throat. 

"I think maybe this has been enough for one day." "You don't get to decide that, Y/N. I still want an answer. Why. Not. Me." She's standing now, her face tear-stained but her eyes…they're full of fury. Towards who, you're not entirely sure anymore.

You look up at Heeseung, his jaw clenched as he runs a hand through his hair. "You just don't have what I need. I won't be with someone who can't make me feel fulfilled in all aspects of life, or someone who doesn't share the same goals as me. You don't see the world the way I do, and you never have." "And she does?" She gestures at you, her voice thick as her eyes gloss over once more. "Yes. She does. She is everything I could ever ask for and so much more than I will ever deserve." He folds his hands in front of him, "There is always going to be something in this life you cannot have, whether it be an object, a person, even a stick of gum. You can't hold onto that resentment forever, it will make you miserable. You shouldn't live your life that way, not when you have a husband who loves you and a life people would kill for. Not when someone you said was your best friend over and over has someone who loves him." She glares at him, her chest rising with shallow breaths. She shakes her coat off, pulling it over her arms and walking towards the door. Her hand wraps around the doorknob as she looks at the two of you, the tick in her jaw growing tighter as she sees you stand.

"You don't have to act like this, Chaeyoung. You don't have to keep running away, you'll never solve anything this way." "You're married to the man I've been in love with since I was six years old. You lied to me, knowing I was in pain about this entire situation, and you stand here and try to act innocent. You're just as guilty as I am, so you don't get to tell me how I get to act, Y/N." She whispers, a singular tear rolling down her face as she turns to Heeseung. 

"You can tell my parents, and whoever else you please. Y/N can give them my information. I won't be coming back to Seoul, and I won't be visiting your practice again. Do not contact me further, and I won't make a scene."

She throws the door open, revealing the gaggle of detectives bunched around the door. Sunghoon nearly falls into the office as they disperse like bugs, catching himself on the doorframe. Chaeyoung stares up at him, his own eyes flickering to you. "You okay in here?"

"Fine." Heeseung replies curtly, and Chaeyoung scoffs, pushing past Sunghoon with a scowl on her face. She stalks through the precinct, and Minseo stares wide eyed as she shoves Jay and Jake out of the way to the double doors. Your eyes never leave her, continuing to stare after her as the doors shut.

You hear a disappointed sigh from your husband, and you peer up at him as Sunghoon shuts the door with his lips pressed into a thin line. He looks a mess, and you move to comfort him as Jay opens the door. He strides in confidently, a quirk in his brow as he pulls his hand out of his pocket, a new pack of cigarettes in his hand.

"Shall we?" It doesn't take much convincing to get you and Heeseung out the backway of the precinct, and you find yourself resting your forehead against the rough brick of the building. Jay lights your cigarette, sliding it between your fingers as Heeseung lights his own. You mumble a thanks, before holding it between your lips.

"Long day, huh?" He starts, his words muffled as he holds his own between his lips, the flicker of the lighter catching your attention. You nod, pushing off the brick wall to face the two men. Jay gives you a once over, "New dress?" "Storage." You shake your head, blowing smoke from your lips as Heeseung paces back and forth. "How's your girlfriend?" "Not my girlfriend, just a fling. Cut her off a bit ago. Feeling good, though." He nods, and Heeseung walks by you, your hand reaching for him. He takes it, leaning against the wall as he pulls you to him. He spins you around, making you face Jay as he wraps his arm in front of you. "PDA? From Lee Heeseung?" Jay acts shocked as you snort, closing your eyes as you lean your head back onto his shoulder. "You'd be surprised what Lee Heeseung has been up to these days." "Mmh, do tell." He shrugs, flicking the ash off his cigarette. "Did you know sharing details of your sex life to your friends is considered inappropriate social behavior?" You smirk, and he raises his brow.

"Oh, don't tell me the people who have been married for seven years are fucking. Oh man, holy shit." Jay sarcastically rolls his eyes, holding his hand to his chest as if he were clutching pearls. "Like animals." Heeseung speaks for the first time since you stepped outside, making your eyes widen as Jay's do the same. You glance up at him, watching the way he throws the cigarette butt onto the floor and stomps it out with his foot. He plucks yours from your fingers, slotting it between his lips for a slow drag before giving it back. His lips have a layer of glitter on them from your lipgloss.

"Hee, you cannot say that." "Who cares? It's Jay. It's not like he's going to ask to watch us fuck." He shrugs, making your cheeks grow hot as you turn to Jay to apologize, who is looking away with red ears. Heeseung looks over, blowing smoke out of his lips as he speaks. "Dude." "You fucking brought it up, dickwad." Jay scoffs, before stomping out his own cigarette butt. You don't speak, opting to run a hand through your hair as Heeseung sighs.

"Did you guys hear anything through the door?" "Every word. Walls are thin, you know." Jay nods, offering another cigarette. Heeseung takes it, sighing as Jay hands him the lighter. "I cannot believe she's been in love with you since you were kids." "She's not in love with me, she's infatuated with the idea of me." He rolls his eyes, fiddling with the lighter. "Her parents used to fight in front of us all the time, and when we were seventeen she told me that she wanted something better than that. Admirable, truly, but she was never going to find that with me." He holds the blue flame to the cigarette, before handing it back to Jay. "Wasn't she your first kiss?" "Ugh, yeah. I only said yes because she kept talking about how Mina, you remember her sister Mina? Mina had her first kiss at sixteen." He rolls his eyes again, his arm around you tightening slightly as he leans his head back onto the building. "I think a part of me hates her." "That's valid." You and Jay say in unison, before Jay tilts his head for you to continue. You shake yours, shrugging as Heeseung continues to talk. "She always pushed for us to become more and I just didn't want that. She lacks so much compassion, and that's why her father wanted her to take over the company. She's cold and calculated and that's why I befriended her in the first place, because no one wanted to be her friend. She was mean to everyone, but I guess she learned how to fake it well." You'd never heard Heeseung speak of her this way, but he clicks his tongue before you can ask anything. "I don't want to keep talking about her. I still have to call her parents, fuck." He runs his hand over his face. The three of you sigh in unison, a snort from Jay as he notices it, "Well…I can say that I'm glad to know she's alive, even if we don't let her back into our lives."

"Yeah." Heeseung nods, taking a final drag from the cigarette in his mouth before dropping it and putting it out. "I guess that's the silver lining in this all. Nine years…man." You nod silently, before patting his arm. "We can call on Monday when I get home from work. I have to get all her information, anyway, and remove her from my patient registry so her insurance stops getting processed." "Shit, I forgot about that." Heeseung groans, slumping slightly as Jay laughs. "You guys head on home, we can get paperwork processed to actually close the case. We'll see you on Tuesday, Lieu." "Tuesday?" He echoes absently, and Jay scoffs. "Fine, Wednesday. Is that too much time away for you, workaholic?"

Your laugh makes Heeseung look up, watching you as you put out your cigarette. The two of you only indulged every once in a while, and Heeseung never fully took the habit up after you refused to kiss him one night after a smoke. Jay bids the two of you goodnight as you all walk back into the building, his box of cigarettes now broken in and Heeseung beelining for his office to grab his coat. "Hungry?" You ask as he shrugs it on, and he shakes his head. "Wanna go home and shower, go to bed. Wanna cuddle?"

He never asks. You can’t bring yourself to say no, not that you’d want to anyway.

It's easy with you. You end up leaving your car in the precinct parking lot, dropping the keys on Jake's desk with the promise of dinner if he dropped it off at your house before morning. He rolled his eyes but agreed. The entire precinct watched as you left, Heeseung's arm holding you close – a sight they'd never seen.

"Can I be the little spoon tonight?" He asks as he buckles you in, and you press a kiss to his temple. "Yeah, Hee."

Monday, 6:32pm

The two of you spent the weekend processing everything that happened. You reluctantly left your husband's side for work this morning, driving yourself as he slept soundly. Your day felt incredibly slow, your hands aching to feel his warm skin under yours.

You'd felt the need to coddle him all weekend – you made his favorite meals, you massaged his back, you even made him a new pair of slacks. A navy blue this time, his smile shy as he modeled them for you on Sunday night. The two of you cuddled for hours, Heeseung burrowing his face in any crevice you'd allow. He kissed your skin all over, mumbles of I love you and hold me tighter falling from his lips as you spent the passing hours in your bed.

Your last patient of the day was a young girl in her twenties, her eyes constantly glossed over with tears as she tried to get comfortable with you. She wound up sobbing, your chest aching as you tried to comfort her. By the time she left, she looked much better – and she told you, thank you for your help. You have no idea how long I've been holding that in. It was enough to make your chest swell with pride as you drove home, a smile on your lips as you picked up dinner and played soft jazz on the radio. You felt the weight of the world slip onto your shoulders as you pulled into your driveway, killing the engine as you fished your house key out of your bag.

You'd contacted Chaeyoung's insurance the moment you got to the clinic, and pulled her from your patient registry without a second thought. You shoved her file into your bag and pushed the thought of it all out of your mind, choosing to focus all your energy on your patients and the way your shoes hurt your feet.

"Baby?" You called into the house as you opened the door, kicking your heels off with a sigh of relief. The cold tile of the foyer against your hot skin felt like Heaven, a shiver running down your spine as you set the bag of takeout down on the dinner table. You stop to listen, but hear nothing. "Baby, are you home?" You walk down the hall, reaching to take your earrings out as you cross the threshold to the bedroom. You see your husband laying on his back with his headphones on, the light off and curtains drawn. He wouldn't be able to see you if his eyes were open, but you can see him thanks to the light in the hallway behind you. His arms are crossed over his face, but you hear the familiar quiet sob fall from his lips. You feel your chest ache at the sight, but you don't interrupt him. You merely move your hands from your ears, leaving the earrings he gifted you a few years ago on as you fold your hands behind your back.

You watch him cry for a few minutes, before he groans in disgust. He wipes at his face angrily, sitting up abruptly with his eyes wide. He jumps as he sees you, his hand flying to his chest as you smile. "Hi." "Holy shit, babe. Don't do that." He takes his headphones off, carding his fingers through his hair as you shrug. "Maybe don't lay on our bed in the dark when I call for you twice." He rolls his eyes as you near the bed, your palms cool against his skin. "Anything you want to talk about?" Your thumbs wipe his cheeks as he shakes his head.

"Same old, just angry at the entire ordeal." He mumbles, his hands finding your hips. You hum, pressing a kiss to his hairline. "Well, I brought dinner. Come eat with me." "What did you get?" His voice is muffled as he buries his face in your stomach, the buttons of your vest annoying him as he huffs. You card your fingers through his hair, dragging your nails along his scalp, "I stopped at Pasta La Vista." "What happened to no more cheesy pun restaurants?" He snorts, and you pinch his cheek. "Ah, but I love going to those places with you. I love you, you know." 

He sighs, reaching up to turn the light on. His fingers tug gently on the pull cord, the soft yellow light illuminating the room suddenly. You both wince as your eyes adjust, blinking rapidly before looking at each other. His mouth drops, making your head tilt. "Something wrong?" "Babe. Are you serious?"

His voice is whiny, paired with the splotchy cheeks and swollen lips from his crying. You furrow your brow in confusion, feeling his hands tighten on your hips. "What? Did I do something wrong?" "Be so fucking serious with me right now. Look at what you're wearing." He huffs, pulling at one of your belt loops. You glance down at your outfit, a form-fitting black pinstripe suit you hadn't worn in a few years. It had a matching vest, one you paired with a white button down underneath. You'd worn your white Hot Chicks, much to the dismay of your poor feet. "Do I look bad?" You ask softly, glancing at yourself in the mirror when he gets your attention by pulling at your belt buckle. "Are you kidding me? You look fucking amazing! You haven't worn this in ages, where the hell did you find it?" "You could've started with that! You had me thinking I did something wrong!" You huff, swatting at his shoulder as his fingers fiddle with the buttons of your vest. "I'm sorry, but you really caught me off guard. Fuck, have these always fit like this?" He runs his hands down the back of your thighs, and you feel your cheeks heat slightly as you shove his hands off you.

"Stop feeling me up and come eat dinner. We have things to do before we can turn in for the night." You remind him as you turn around to walk out of the bedroom when you feel his fingers pinch the swell of your ass. You reach behind you and smack his hand away, "Stop it!" "Fine, fine. Let me…get cleaned up I guess. I feel gross." He groans, rolling his eyes as he slides off the bed. You make your way to the kitchen without any more of Heeseung's touching, and you carefully plate everything up. You know he'd be content just eating on the couch with a show on, but you need something to busy yourself as your mind whirls with the idea of calling Chaeyoung's parents.

What would you even say? "Nice to meet you, now let me tell you all about how I betrayed your daughter when she came to me for therapy!" You groan, running your hands through your hair as you overwhelm yourself with thoughts. You thought you'd be fine, but you sort of thank your stars that you managed to make it through work without thinking about it. You'd rather be home and agonizing over it than anywhere else.

In all your thinking, you don't hear Heeseung walk into the kitchen. Your head is low between your shoulders as you hold onto the sink, taking deep breaths. You jolt when you feel his hand on your back, a concerned look in his eyes. "Are you okay?" "Yeah, fine. Sorry, just…thinking." You sigh, before pushing off the sink. He gives you a stern look, his hands moving to your waist to pull you into him. “Talk to me.”

You gently bang your forehead against his chest, “What are we even going to tell them?”

A low whistle comes from your husband’s lips, “I have no idea. Promise to still think I’m sexy if I break down?”

You snort, slapping his chest lightly as he smiles down at you. “Emotional vulnerability is sexy, Hee.”

“You want me so bad.” He chides, making you roll your eyes. You try not to let your eyes linger on the muscle of his arms, now showcased by a sleeveless white shirt he must've changed into. “Let’s eat dinner and I’ll take care of whatever hornball issue you have later.”

“Will you keep the suit on?” He asks, brow raised as he scans your face. You rub your temples, before feigning an annoyed sigh. “Yes, Heeseung, I’ll keep the suit on.”

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” He smiles as you try to weasel your way out of his arms, but he holds you tightly. He pins you against the sink, his hand moving to hold your face gently. The tip of his nose touches yours slightly, the same electricity that skin-to-skin contact with your husband causes runs down your spine. “Have I?”

“You’re going to wax poetic after I said I’d keep the suit on to get you off?” You snort, and he rolls his eyes. “I’m going to wax poetic after my wife agrees to some weird shit I ask of her simply because she loves me as I love her.”

You struggle not to roll your eyes, but your warming cheeks give you away. "Please focus on the order of events, will you? Dinner, dreaded call, then whatever freak shit you have in your head. Move it." He grins as he presses a kiss to your forehead, before letting you worm out of his grasp. Dinner is quiet, with neither of you wanting to talk too much in detail about your days. Heeseung would know you were so stressed that you skipped lunch, and you'd know that he'd had to change his pillowcase twice because of how long he'd been crying. It wasn't something either of you wanted to share, but simultaneously, you both knew. "Do you think they'll be happy?" You murmur around a breadstick, a pout on your husband's lips as he chews. "I mean…I would hope so. Mrs. Cha lost her mind when she disappeared." "Define lost her mind." 

He sighs, taking a sip of his water. "I guess the same way I did, but worse. The first year had to have been the worst. No sleep, she barely ate and was having constant breakdowns…but it's different. A mother's love is nothing compared to what I may have felt then." He shrugs, and you find yourself humming in response.

Your eyes are downcast, pushing the remaining pasta around on your plate as he gazes at you. "I'm sorry to have put you through that." "Do you remember our vows? I'd promised I'd be there, always." You say pointedly, and he shakes his head. "I mean, through what happened on Friday. I will never stop apologizing for any of it, I know that in my heart. That day was just too much for you, I saw it in the way you looked at her. She hurt your feelings." "Calling me a bitch is hardly hurting my feelings, I've heard far worse." You snort, but Heeseung leans slightly across the table. "You know that's not what I'm talking about, honey. You're great at your job, you have to know that."

You sigh, "I know, I even had a patient today tell me I helped her a lot and it made me feel really nice. But, I will admit it was a dumb move to keep Chaeyoung as a patient. I should have told her from the get-go who I was and what I knew, and then maybe Friday would've gone differently. If at all, you know." "It's too late to think about what we should have done. We can only look forward, and unfortunately that means we have to make that call to her parents." He slumps in his chair, closing his eyes. "What if I cry?" "Then you cry, honey." You shrug, "I'll be here anyway. We're doing this together." Nothing more is said as the two of you clean up, opting to brush your teeth to remove the taste of the garlic from your tongues. You find yourself reapplying your lipstick, wiping the corners of your lips as you cap the wine red wax. Heeseung sits on the couch with his phone in his hand as you retrieve the file from your purse. He sighs as you walk over, your thigh brushing his as you sit next to him. "Ready?" You ask softly, your fingers flicking the file open. Heeseung sighs inwardly as he dials the number he's known by heart since he was a kid. You drape your leg over his to feel him closer, his hand sliding around your upper thigh as the line rings.

"Cha Residence, Seonmi speaking." 

The woman's voice is tired, and Heeseung squeezes his eyes shut as he speaks. "Hi, Mrs. Cha. It's uhm…it's Heeseung." The line is quiet for a moment, before a gentle sigh is heard. "Hi, sweetheart. Long time." "I know, I'm sorry." He mumbles, earning a soft laugh from her. "Nothing to be sorry for. Are you alright? How's your wife?"

"She's good. She's here, actually. Would you like to say hello?" He holds the phone towards you, and you clear your throat as you say a soft hello. "Oh, hello! Wow, I've never heard you speak, I've only seen photos of you. How are you? Heeseung treating you well, I hope?" You feel your cheeks heat as you respond, "Yeah, yes ma'am. I'm okay, how are you?" "Oh, you know. Same old, struggling. Did you guys need something from me? Maybe something of Soyoung's?" She sounds so tired, it makes your heart ache.

"Actually, we called with an update. If you're in the headspace to hear it." Heeseung says shakily, and you find yourself pressing a kiss to his cheek, stamping your lipstick on his skin. He leans into your lips, and you brush another in the same place before leaning your head on his shoulder.

"Oh, boy. Another sighting, I assume?" Mrs. Cha sounds defeated, and you can hear the clicking of a keyboard in the distance. You clear your throat, and Heeseung holds the phone to you. "I think it's better if my wife tells you." "Sweetheart, please get on with it."

You take the phone gingerly, clearing your throat. "For starters, I'm a therapist in the next town over. I started that job a few weeks back, and I've been taking new patients. Your daughter was one of them." Nothing is heard on the other end, and Heeseung gives you a nod to keep talking. His hand squeezes around your thigh, and you speak again. "She's changed her name, and she's married. I…she talked about everything that led to her disappearance as well as everything going on in her life currently. She's well, and she's established."

"So…you found her?" You hear a soft sob from the other end, your own eyes stinging. "We did. She talked a lot about Heeseung, so I didn't tell her we were married. I drove her to the precinct on Friday to see him again for the first time since she disappeared, and it did not go well, to say the least. However, she did give us permission to share her information with you, and I've got everything in front of me if you've got a pen or something to jot it down." You hear the rustling of paper and pens knocking against each other as someone talks in the background. Mrs. Cha sniffles into the phone, "Go ahead. I'm ready." You read everything out to her, spelling street names and offering to send photos over as well. "And you're sure it's her? You know it?" Mrs. Cha's voice is shaky as you hear a chair get pushed back, and Heeseung replies, "Positive. We wouldn't have called if we weren't sure, I was in denial when Y/N told me." "Do you…should I call her? I know she's angry with me, she must be." Mrs. Cha sounds distant, like she's walking somewhere. "She may be angry, but I'm sure she wouldn't have allowed us to give you her information if she didn't want you to contact her or know of her reappearance." You say gently, and hear Mrs. Cha laugh through her presumed tears.

"You chose the right profession, Y/N. I can see how easily this comes to you." 

Heeseung's eyes widen as he looks down at you, your own lips spread in a shy smile. His eyes speak for themselves – See? Told you.

"Thank you." You murmur, and Heeseung squeezes your leg as he clears his throat. "Well, that's all we really called for. Feel free to keep us updated, we'll get all the paperwork for the case figured out. We can handle our end privately, but you can choose how to go about things on your end." "Thank you, sincerely. I know the last nine years have been grueling for you as well, Heeseung. I hope you know you'll always have a place in our family and our hearts, and you're welcome in our home any time. You as well, Y/N. We'd love to have you over for dinner."

You gape as Heeseung answers gently, saying he'll figure out some dates and get back to her. She agrees, and a soft take care is whispered from your husband before he hangs up.

He leans forward to put his phone and Chaeyoung's file on the coffee table, before sighing. You rest your arm against the back of the couch, smushing your cheek with the heel of your palm. He slumps against the cushions silently, his hand slinking up and down your thigh.

"Feel better? This was somehow under and overwhelming." "Weight off my fucking shoulders, I'll tell you that much." He huffs, rubbing his face in frustration. You hum, reaching to run your fingers through his hair as he turns his head to face you, a pout on his lips. "Why does everything have to suck?" "Does everything suck?" You repeat thoughtfully, looking around your living room. "I mean, consider the good things. We've got this wonderful home, we have our health and your family. We have our jobs. Job market is garbage, you know." He sighs, looking around the room. "Now I just sound ungrateful." You snort, before pushing yourself up and straddling his lap, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. You settle high on his thighs, his hands instinctively coming to rest on your hips. "You're not ungrateful, you're just going through the motions. I honestly thought you'd be worse. That's why this all seems so underwhelming to me, I thought it would be a much bigger ordeal, that you'd be excited to see her." "I would have been, if it weren't for the fact that she left at her own will. A part of me just wishes she would have fucking said something, I could've talked to her. Or her parents, or something, you know?" He's frustrated as you nod, thumbing the lobe of his ear. "Oh, but you can't save everyone. You're only human. I know that's one of the first fates you face when you do the kind of work you do." He huffs, "I just have questions that I won't ever get answers to. It bothers me because no matter what she does or says, it just feels like betrayal over and over again. If we pile the fact that she said all those shitty things to you, it just makes me hate her more."

"Hating people is so taxing, baby." You shrug, "It's not good for the spirit, or your hairline." "Keep making jokes about my hairline, see how that works out for you." He scoffs, making you scrunch your nose at him. "I've been making jokes about your hairline since we met, I think it's worked out just fine. I have this house, I have this couch…" You trail off as you lean closer, brushing your nose with his, his eyes wide as he looks up at you. "I have you, on this couch, in this house and your signature on a paper that says you're my husband. What does that say about you?" "That I like gorgeous women in suits who make fun of me, I guess." He shrugs, his hands squeezing your hips as you brush your lips against his. You move away as he tries to connect your lips, making him roll his eyes. "Just kiss me, will you?" "Is that how we get the things we want?" You pull back, your brow raised as he sighs. This was a game you liked to play every once in a while, knowing that Heeseung easily flustered when you took charge. He reveled in it, sure, but it definitely took him a bit to accept that you called the shots.

"Babe, come on." "Hm, I don't like that answer." Shrugging, you start moving off his lap, earning a groan as he uses his strength to hold your hips flush to his. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please kiss me, I need it." "You need it?" You scoff, your hands on his shoulders as he blushes, his tongue peeking out to wet his lips. "I need you."

"Yeah? Need me where?" Your eyes look at him expectantly, feeling him shift under you with nerves, looking down. Your gaze doesn't waver as you tilt his chin back up, his eyes full of lust and adoration. "Where?" "Here." His cheeks flushed impossibly deeper as he pouted up at you, moving your fingertips to his lips. He kisses the pads of your fingers, making you coo as you press your lips to the tip of his nose. He chases your lips as you plant kisses around his entire face, stamping your lipstick on his skin carefully. "Baby, please." 

"I love you." You murmur against his lips, making his eyes flutter shut as you finally kiss him. His hands move to your waist, pulling your chest flush to his as you shrug off your suit jacket, tossing it to the side as you gently lick into his mouth. He groans into your mouth, his fingers flexing against your body as you suck on the tip of his tongue. His hips rut up against you slowly, a whine from your throat making you pull away, dragging your lips down his jaw. 

"Can I take care of you, baby?" You murmur against the shell of his ear, making him shiver as you nip at the lobe, a quiet please from his throat. His hands twitch at your sides, soft whines from his lips as you trail your tongue down the slope of his neck. You feel his fingers move to fumble with the buttons of your vest, before he untucks your shirt, sliding his hands slightly under it to feel the heat of your skin against his. 

"I love you so much." He mumbles as you kiss his swollen lips again chastely, your fingers undoing your shirt buttons as he watches your face with low eyes. His hands snake higher on your stomach, before the tips of fingers brush your bare breasts. His eyes widen as he pulls away, jaw falling slack as he sees your lack of undergarments. "Baby." "Just enjoy it." You roll your eyes, shivering as he runs his thumbs over your pebbled nipples. He leans forward slightly, before your hand cards through his hair. "This is not about me." "You said enjoy it. How can I, if you don't let me?" He scoffs, moving your hand from its spot on the nape of his neck, pulling you forward into his mouth. His tongue swirls expertly around the hardened nub, your hand finding and digging into the back of the couch. Heeseung feels his head spinning as he breathes you in, the soft scent of his favorite perfume on your skin. You groan quietly as your hips roll against his, a soft fuck from your lips as he carefully drags his teeth on the sensitive bud. He moves to the other side, your hand tangling in his hair again as he plants wet kisses across your chest. "So perfect for me." He murmurs, flattening his tongue against your nipple as his hands move to undo your belt. He pulls it through the loops within seconds, tossing it aside and palming your ass over your pants, moving you over his bulge slowly. He relishes in the sounds you make, whimpers from your throat making his cock twitch in his pants as he continues to lap at your chest. "Always so fucking beautiful. You make me insane."

You whine in response, pulling his head away from your chest and reconnecting your lips. He feels your hand snake down between your bodies, palming at his hardened cock through his sweatpants. He groans into your mouth, his hips rutting into your hand involuntarily. You slip your tongue in his mouth, letting him messily kiss you back as he tangles a hand in your hair – your own beneath the waistband of his sweatpants, tugging at them gently. He obliges, lifting his hips for you to pull them down to his knees. You pull away from his lips as much as the hand in your hair will allow, your hand wrapping around his leaking cock gently. He shudders as you stroke him, whining against your lips when you pull his hand out of your hair, sliding off his lap and settling between his knees. He lets out a breath as you glance up at him through thick lashes, before pressing a kiss to his inner thigh. His hands move back to your hair, gathering it into a messy ponytail as you continue to drag your lips around his skin, faint lipstick stains marking your path. He feels his stomach cave the moment you swirl your tongue around his tip, a broken moan cutting through the air.

"S'fucking pretty like this…" He groans, watching as you take him deeper, hollowing your cheeks slightly. Your tongue laps at the underside of his cock, following the thick vein as his tip hits the back of your throat. Gagging around him, you feel his hips jerk up involuntarily, a murmured apology as you pull off, shaking your head. "Want it, want you to do that." 

Your ears are watery as you look up at him, your hand wrapped around his shaft as his lips parted in a soft grunt. He wipes his thumb across your lower lip before he takes his cock in his hand, "Beautiful."

You feel your cheeks flush, not responding to the compliment as he opens your mouth for you. You stick out your tongue, making him smirk as he slides the heavy head of his cock on it. You blink up at him before you sink down on him, hearing a soft sigh fall from his lips. He rocks his hips up slowly, throwing his head back with a whimper as you gag around him.

"Feel s'fucking good, baby. Love you so much, fuck…" You feel your skin prickle at the praise, your eyes brimming with tears as the tip of his cock brushes the back of your throat, a groan making him shiver. "Always so good to me…"

You hum as best as you can, feeling his hand tighten in your hair as the tell-tale whimper falls from your husband's lips. He pulls you off almost reluctantly, staring up at the ceiling and biting down on his lip as you look up at him, seeing his chest move in shallow breaths. "Hee–" "Need to feel you." He pulls you off your knees by your wrists, making you slide your knee between his for balance. His lips feel frantic as he kisses you messily, groaning at the slight taste of himself inside your mouth as you try to keep up. "Need to cum inside you, baby." His lips ghost over yours as he unbuttons your slacks, your teeth nipping at his bottom lip as he hooks his thumbs into the belt loops. You let him tug them down, stepping out of them when he snaps the waistband of your underwear against your skin. "Take it off." "What, do you want me to strip for you?" You roll your eyes, and he smirks lightly. "We can spin that back another time. Take it off." You oblige, feeling your husband's hands wrap around your thighs as you kick your underwear off to the side. He pulls you forward, instinctively making you straddle him slightly before he looks up, his hand snaking between your thighs. "Do you need–"

You shake your head quickly as he glides his fingers through your wet folds, his eyes widening as you shiver. He holds his hand up to the light, your arousal stringy between his fingers, gathering around his wedding band. He peers up at you, "Really?" "Shut up." Your cheeks burn as he scoffs out a laugh, before running his tongue over his fingers. "All fours, please." He tilts his head towards the free space on the couch, your eyes narrowing as you do as he says, hearing the thwip of his shirt being pulled over his head. 

"You know," You mumble as you settle on your elbows, "This is not-ah!" The warm feeling of Heeseung's tongue on your clit makes you jolt, and you feel him smile into your skin as his hands rest on your hips. He groans as you push your hips against his face, your fingers digging into the couch cushion as you whine into the brown suede. "So fucking wet, for what? A little kissing?" He's talking down to you, amused at the way your pussy clenches around his tongue, your whimper muffled by your shirt sleeve, "I love you." "Yeah? My messy girl loves me?" His voice is clearer now, and you feel his hand grip your hip as he drags the tip of his cock through your folds with a hiss. You push back against him with a whine, earning a firm smack to the back of your thigh. "Behave. You can wait."

You can hear him mutter under his breath as he ruts against you, his breathing shaky as he holds you steady. You feel him sink inside you slowly, the wet squelch making your cheeks burn in embarrassment as you whimper at the stretch. "I know honey, I know." Heeseung's voice is almost goading as he rocks into you slowly, biting down on his lip as you clench around him. "You take me so well, baby. Just love this dick, huh?" He holds your hips tight as you nod, your voice lost on you as he brushes that spongy spot inside you. You're pliant in his hands, your eyes rolling back when you feel his hand come down on your ass sharply, a moan falling from your lips into the cushion.

"Filthy little thing." He mutters, running his hand over the reddened skin. "Love being treated like a slut, don't you?" His fingers move to hold onto your waist, hearing you mumble something before leaning down slightly. "Don't you?" "Yours. Your slut." You mumble as you nod shyly, the duality making his chest ache as he coos. "All mine, yeah? Get this wet for me only, right?" The sound of your soft moans is almost drowned out by the smack of his hips against your ass. 

"Always feel so good around me, baby, shit.." His hand tangles in your hair, pulling you up carefully. You whimper as your back hits his chest, your hand holding onto the back of the couch as he bullies his cock into you. He feels you clamp down around him, your skin hot to the touch as he slides his hand down, circling your clit with his fingers.

"Always take such good care of me, my gorgeous girl. My wife, fuck, I love you." He mutters into your neck, his eyes catching your earrings swinging as he nips at your skin. You whine inwardly, looking away from him as you clench around him, your orgasm on the tip of your tongue as he thrusts into you. 

His hand moves from your hair to cradle your face, turning you just slightly to see the fucked out glaze in your eyes, your lips swollen and slick with spit. He smiles softly, brushing his lips over yours, "I love you."

You close your eyes as he kisses you messily, nothing but teeth and tongue as your orgasm washes over you, a whiny moan into your husband's mouth. He carefully tugs off your vest and shirt, "Just a little more baby, almost there. Gonna fill you up, yeah?" "Y-Yeah." You whimper as he lets you fall forward slowly, your trembling thighs only egging him on as he runs his hands over your bare back. "So fucking perfect. S-Such a perfect woman, could never ask for anyone better. M-My angel, my everything." He's rambling, forcing himself to focus as he overstimulates you chasing his orgasm. You mewl into the cushion relentlessly, pushing against him when he notices you holding your hand out behind your back. He interlocks your fingers, before spilling inside you with a whimper. He shudders above you, your hand squeezing his gently before you let go. He digs his fingers into your hips deeply, earning a groan as you shakily try to sit up on your elbows. You only manage to push back on him, a choked moan ringing through the air as he grabs at your hips. He winces as he pulls out carefully, his eyes glued to the way you clench around nothing with soft breaths. His fingers ghost over your hole as you push his release out, not realizing how sensitive you are as he smears it all over your glistening folds. "H-Heeseung!" You reach back to swat at him, making his eyes snap up to look at you. He smiles sheepishly, apologizing under his breath as he wipes his fingers on his shirt. 

"You okay?" He murmurs, his cheeks aflame as he realizes how spent you are, your hips almost giving out as he holds you up. You give him a tired nod, "We cannot fuck on my precious couch again. People sit here." He scoffs, and you feel the soft cotton of his shirt wiping down your legs. You feel him shift behind you, flinching when you feel his shirt wiping between your thighs. "Can't we just shower?" "We can, but I can't lie…I kind of like watching it drip out." He admits quietly, and you roll your eyes. "I feed so many of your guilty pleasures, but this is one I'm going to cut short. I'm all sticky." "I can make you stickier, if you want." He runs his hands up your thighs, and you scoff as you use your remaining strength to flip yourself onto your back. He's red in the face, and not just from your lipstick, his eyes glued to your center. "Hee, stop. You fucking freak." "This fucking freak is your husband, I'd be nicer to me if I were you. I suggest you tell me you love me, that's a pretty good start." He shrugs, acting nonchalant as he leans down. You give him an amused look as you run your fingers through his hair, "And I married you, why?" "Because I'm tall, tan, young, lovely." He shrugs, making you snort. "Girl from Ipanema, is that you?" "I love you." He wrinkles his nose as you press a soft kiss to it, his hands carefully moving your hair out of your eyes. "Thank you. I didn't realize how much I needed this. How much I…need you. I'm sorry it's taken me this long, baby." Your cheeks warm at his confession, your thumbs gently stroking his cheeks. "I love you. I'm always here when you need a little TLC." "And when I don't?" "And when I do, and when I don't. Whenever, you know I'm here." You assure softly, his eyes slightly glazed over as you press a chaste kiss to his lips. "However, I will admit…my TLC of preference right now is a hot shower. Care to join me?" "You and your hot showers. Can you even stand up?"

"If I can't, it just means you can eat me out in the shower." You shrug, seeing the wheels turn in your husband's head as he locks your legs around his waist. A shriek falls from your lips as he picks you up, your arms wrapping around his shoulders as he moves towards the bathroom with a kiss to your lips. "And suddenly, I too, love hot showers. Shall we?"

Tuesday, 12:33pm.

It'd been a few weeks since you and Heeseung reached out to the Cha family, and the case had been officially declared closed by the Seventh Precinct. However, such a reappearance after so many years for such a prolific family meant many, many interviews and involvement with the press. It meant seeing Chaeyoung and her husband, as well as her family over and over again, even when it came to things that weren't about her.

Your relationship was still not perfect – with you and Heeseung slowly working through your issues, things got easier. He managed to submit the paperwork for his vacation to start on Friday, and had some final things to settle at the Seoul Central District Court with a few attorneys involved in a case he and Jay were attempting to break into. He'd called you to meet him and Sunoo for lunch and a meeting to bring you on as an expert witness, as you had a short day in the office.

Short day in the office does not warrant a short day outside of it, though – and you found your husband crowded by reporters and flashing cameras as you tried to quietly make your way into the courthouse. You hoped they wouldn't see you – Heeseung had been pissed enough already when a few reporters dragged your name through the mud when Chaeyoung gave her side of the story, pictures of you that he loved now torn to shreds by internet trolls and what little social media you did have had been flooded with hateful comments. You wound up deleting everything, and staying away from your phone as much as possible. Heeseung arranged private security, and even had Sunghoon assigned to keep an eye out for any suspicious activity around you. 

Nothing had happened, and you were sure nothing would – but you couldn't lie, you felt safer when you and Heeseung were behind the locked doors of your home, hidden away in your bedroom.

You could hear the reporters shouting questions at Heeseung, the tick in his jaw evident as he answered one question at a time. You watch from afar a bit, your facemask protecting you from being discovered as you inch closer. You can see his patience begin to thin and you're about to barrel down the steps to him when you hear a reporter shout over all the others.

"Lieutenant, your wife has been dragged by the media in all forms. What are your thoughts on that, considering that Jeon Chaeyoung was once your life-long friend?" Heeseung's face hardens, and he pinches the bridge of his nose as he speaks.

"I have nothing to say on Mrs. Jeon, I cannot understand why she'd speak about Dr. Lee that way. Please write that down, put that into the world. She's not just my wife, she's her own person and she had a huge role in this case. I would have lost my mind if it weren't for her, and her impact should not be reduced simply because we're married." You feel your chest fill with warmth as you take a few more steps down, a reporter spotting you and you press a finger to your facemask, your wedding ring making her eyes widen. She says nothing as you listen to Heeseung speak.

"Dr. Lee was a pertinent witness to the entire case, and had she not been involved, had she not said something, Mrs. Jeon's case would've remained open and no one would know of her whereabouts. Her family had been in absolute shambles for the last nine years, and frankly, as harsh as it sounds, I'm glad that it's finally over. Dr. Lee is not to blame for whatever upset feelings Mrs. Jeon may have, or whatever resentment she may have towards myself. If she wants to drag anyone through the dirt, she might as well drag me. Dr. Lee is entirely innocent in this, she was a huge stepping stone in bridging crucial pieces of information together and restoring the Cha family. In other words, keep my wife's name out of your mouth unless you're praising her. I'm tired of hearing this, so I have nothing more to say on the matter."

Your eyes are wide as he shrugs, before the reporter who spotted you makes a few moves up the steps, trying not to alert anyone else. You tilt your head at her, and she quietly steps up to you. She holds her recorder up slightly, and you nod, beckoning her closer with your hand.

"Dr. Lee, how do you feel about Lieutenant Lee coming to your defense amongst the influx of hate from netizens?" You lean down to her to speak into the small microphone, clearing your throat. "I think Lieutenant Lee is one of the most kind-hearted, driven, loving people in my life. There's a reason he's my husband, you know. I couldn't ask for a better man." The reporter's eyes soften as Heeseung turns around, bidding the reporters a goodbye as he buttons his coat up, trekking back up the stairs. He looks up, his eyes meeting yours as you give him a little wave. He walks up to you, giving the reporter a curt nod before slipping his fingers in yours. 

The reporter gives you a soft thank you, before walking down the steps. You let Heeseung guide you up the steps, and glance over your shoulder to see reporters taking photos of the two of you from behind. You nudge him with your elbow, and he looks down at you. "Yes?" "Kiss me." You tilt your head towards the reporters, and he snorts as the two of you reach the doors. "You sure?" "Positive." You nod as you pull your mask off, the camera flashes almost blinding as they watch you press your lips to Heeseung's, his arm wrapping around your waist as his hand cradles your cheek. Your lipstick stains his mouth as you pull away, and you give the reporters a cheeky thumbs up as he pulls you into the courthouse.

Sunoo's eyes are wide as you walk into his quarters with Heeseung, your lipstick now also stamped on his cheek from a kiss you gave him in the hallway. He smiles warmly as you offer a hug, embracing you tightly. "God, it's so nice to see you in love." He murmurs into your hair, patting your back before you all take a seat at his desk. The three of you are going over the options for lunch when you hear a knock at the door, your head whipping around to see your mother entering the office. Your eyes widen, and Heeseung is up before you know it. He's greeting her warmly, her face remaining stoic as he takes her coat. She looks tired, and you stand on shaky legs.

"Hello, Mother." You say softly, your eyes flickering to Heeseung and Sunoo as they stand to the side. She steps in front of you, her eyes scanning you carefully. You wince as she steps slightly closer, only for her to breathe out softly.

"I wanted to speak to you earlier this week, amidst everything in the media. However, I'm too prolific and I worried I'd be followed to your home, so I left a few messages on your answering machine. I assume you didn't receive them, so is now a good time?" She's still professional, your mother had no idea how to be comforting or warm. You nod slowly, shoving your trembling hands into your coat. "S-Sure. Yeah, we can talk." Your mother had never cared who was around when she spoke to you about anything. It was one of the more mortifying things about her, but she made up for it by keeping her voice quiet enough that only you could hear her.

"May I touch you?" She asks with a twinge in her voice you'd never heard, and you nod slowly. "Okay." She doesn't wait for another second, throwing her arms around you as she pulls you into a tight embrace. Your eyes are wide as you look at Heeseung and Sunoo, their own the size of saucers as you awkwardly wrap your arms around her. "Are you…alright?" "I'm so sorry, Y/N. I read everything that you said in your interviews, about Chaeyoung and her reasons behind leaving, and how deeply you understood her dilemma. I never realized I was pushing you away, and I'm incredibly sorry if I ever made you feel like I wasn't supportive of your dreams or career choices. I know that this may be a too little, too late sort of situation, but I couldn't let more time go by without letting you know how proud I am of you and everything you've accomplished, not just as a professional but as a woman, as my daughter, as a wife."

Your eyes are stinging with tears as Heeseung's jaw drops, your mother pulling back to cup your face in her hands. "And I'll sue that little bitch for all she has for dragging you through the mud. I'll do it, I'll wring her dry of every asset she's ever acquired."

Her eyes are full of tears as you gape at her, before she presses a kiss to your forehead. "I love you so much, darling. I'm so, so sorry."

"Mom-" "I'm so glad to have you, darling. Please don't disappear on me, I promise you I cannot handle it." You let her pull you back into her embrace, the tears streaming down your cheeks before she pulls away quickly. "Alright, I've got a meeting I'm running late to. I just saw you in the window and I needed to pop in and talk to you. As you were, I'll give you a call later." She gives the three of you a curt nod, before taking her coat and skirting back out of Sunoo's office.

The three of you are silent, your arms wrapped around yourself as you cover your mouth with your hand. You don't wipe your tears as they stream down, and you look up at the men staring at you in shock. "She said she's proud of me." You whine suddenly, and Heeseung lets out a soft laugh as you walk into his embrace, Sunoo smiling to himself as Heeseung strokes your hair, sharing a glance with his long-time friend as you sob into his shirt. "Oh, my baby. You deserve all that and more."

"Should we push the meeting? I think we've got a lot of big feelings to work out, Dr. Lee." Sunoo speaks up gently, and you pout as Heeseung agrees before you can say anything. You mumble out an apology, but Sunoo shakes his head, waving you off. "Let me lead you out the backway, those reporters would have a ball with your crying face."

"Shut up, Sunoo." You scoff, making him snicker as he leads you both out of his office, your head bowed as you let Heeseung hide you from onlookers. You both quietly thanked Sunoo as he opened the door for you and bid you farewell, saying he'd try and get everything done before Heeseung's allotted vacation time. They agreed to meet again on Thursday, with Sunoo giving your shoulder a soft squeeze.

"Give yourself some more credit, Y/N. You deserve it."

Saturday, 4:44pm.

"You found it? You look so beautiful, holy shit." Heeseung was laid on the bed, held up by his elbows as you stood in front of the mirror, a quizzical look on your face as you clipped in your earrings. You purse your lips, turning to face him, the sarong skirt of the dress he'd made you swinging slightly.

"You sure? It's not too…showy?" You pout, running your hands over the soft white fabric. You'd dug this dress back out specifically for this occasion, renewing your vows with your husband on a simple vacation in the middle of nowhere. By middle of nowhere, you mean the same field he proposed to you in, two hours out of Seoul and likely full of flowers this time of year.

"Baby, it's just you and me. You can be as showy as you want in your dress, as bummy as you want in your sweatpants. You're fucking angelic." He pulls you to him by your hips, "I did great on this hem, you can't lie." "Wonderful, yes." You roll your eyes, feeling his hands snake under the skirt. You allow it, feeling your cheeks warm as he snaps the waistband of your underwear against your hip. "Let me go down on you." You sigh, rubbing your temples as your husband presses a kiss to your cleavage. "Heeseung, the sun is going to set and we're going to be doing this in the dark." "Can I go down on you after?" He questions, not really paying attention as he stands, his hands low on your back as he pulls you to him. "Heeseung." "Two orgasms, right after we're done, on the hood of my car." He offers, making you snort. "One orgasm, after we're done, in the backseat." "I'll take it!" He presses a chaste kiss to your lips, making you giggle as he lands a soft smack to your ass. "Stop it!" "You love me! Now get your cute ass in the car, we've got shit to do."

And it feels easy. It feels light, sitting next to Heeseung as he pulls out of the driveway with one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding your fingers tightly. It feels good, listening to your husband sing along softly to soft jazz songs on the radio before you plug in your phone, and then hearing him sing along to your playlists. It feels like getting a breath of fresh air when you see the afternoon sunlight beaming on his skin, his white shirt reflecting the light painfully into your eyes. It feels like the way your heart starts beating a little faster when you catch a whiff of his spicy cologne, your eyes falling on him with a soft smile. It feels like an emotional orgasm when he times playing No Song Without You by HONNE perfectly to when you arrive, your pout being kissed off frantically by your attentive, doting husband. It feels like falling in love when he holds you close, pressing his lips anywhere you'd allow him to as you both reach into your pockets for the thick packets of words you've written. It feels like falling in love when he goes off script, holding the papers in his hand as he looks into your eyes. It feels like falling in love when he kisses your tears off your face as you tell him how much you appreciate his changes, it feels like falling in love when he says you should never thank him for doing what's right. It feels like falling in love, when he pulls a box out of his pocket and presents yet another gold ring to add to your set, with your initials engraved on the outside.

It feels like falling in love with he suggests you both pick flowers from the field to press when you get home. It feels like falling in love when he holds your hand and pulls you close when you've wandered too far, it feels like falling in love when he's kissing you against the hood of his car. It feels like falling in love when he carries you into the backseat and you wind up naked in his lap, a whining and writhing mess as he tells you how pretty you are, how much he loves you, how bad he wants to get you pregnant so everyone knows you're his. It feels like falling in love, when on the ride home, he can't keep his hands off you.

It feels like falling in love, when he wastes no time getting you in the bedroom, your dress on the floor with his shirt and pants. It feels like falling in love when he draws a bath for the two of you, it feels like falling in love when he tells you I love you as he washes your hair, your body, your face.

It feels like falling in love again, but this time? You don't feel like you're falling alone.

BABEYUN © 2024. no translations, reposting or modifications are allowed. do not claim as your own. viewer discretion is advised. your media consumption is your responsibility.

TAGLIST: @thesassy-mia @starfallia @ramenoil @hoonieversies @wintabite @shnnzsworld @eneiyri @jjongsha @ilovejungwonandhaechan @oopshee @capri-cuntz @petalsofink @teddybeartaetae @chocminteu @moon0fthenight @delvziion @heeseungthel0ml @bbyjw @isa942572, @304files, @seungjiseyo @gaytron3000 @melonvrs @yizhoutv @riribelle @swaggieee

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Wonderful World - Part 8

I think you guys are really gonna like this part for a lot of reasons 😇

Series Masterlist

Warnings: mentions of homophobia, internalized homophobia, coming out, oral (male receiving), fingering, sex.

WC: 12.6K

Harry had spent a lot of his life alone. He was an only child and well, his parents had started an intensive, out-patient mental health facility when he was just a kid, so he did spend a lot of time without them for several years - not that they weren’t supportive and loving, they truly were, but quality time with their parents is just something that kids need. They had moved away from their hometown and into London when he was about 6 to do this, so he was removed from the 2 cousins he had and well, this kind of perpetuated his ability to be alone. And as things took off with his parents’ clinic they were able to open another location, and they now owned 5 of them across the whole of England. Even now as an adult, he’s quite isolated even from the few friends he has, but that doesn’t bother him. He had just never really noticed just how far removed he was until Rebecca came into his life. 

At the time he was just finishing his residency and he had a plan to allow himself to adopt a sort of hedonist approach to life for a bit, to make up for lost time essentially. During med school everyone is kind of a loner, you really get together to study or cry and rant about how grueling everything is, but socializing is not really something they’d do so he had kind of forgot about it. So when he met her, someone so gorgeous and smart and just as invested and obsessed with her career, he took his opportunity to just be with her. Truly, they had a lot in common, too much in common if that’s even possible, so he thought that maybe this would mean that their relationship would naturally flourish into a lot more. But the longer they were together the more it worried him that not even his feelings for her were flourishing as he expected. Harry had dated one person seriously before Rebecca and that was when he was 19 years old. He was head over heels with this girl, he attributed it to being young and naive and told himself that adult relationships just didn’t feel that way so that he could continue investing in what he and Rebecca had or were trying to have. He forgot about what attraction and interest in others felt until Diana came into his life. It really happened within 5 seconds of seeing her that a part of his brain that he had forgotten could be so powerful kicked in at full force. 

There were so many thoughts and daydreams and feelings that were floating around in his head or pricking his stomach with butterflies whenever she was near. It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time. He felt like a hormonal teenager who could hardly figure out which way was up. It was a “vie en rose” phenomenon; suddenly he was romanticizing everything and he was optimistic and subconsciously doing a little more to take care of himself, he was plagued with thoughts about her and hoping that she thought of him too. He was happy though, he liked feeling this way and it spurred things on even more knowing that she too felt something for him. Maybe it wasn’t as intense as what he felt for her, but there was hope because when he kissed her she had kissed back, ardently. And he knew that there were complications, but there was hope and it kept him going. But when he woke up this morning, annoyingly 3 minutes before his alarm went off, there was no hope. The rose-colored filter in which he had been viewing the world through was gone - as if it had never even existed.

“…if this situation isn’t evidence enough that we can’t-”

“I know. Maybe in another life…”

Those were the words playing over and over in his head like a damaged CD, he was stuck on that, in a loop and it hurt. It hurt to know that the person who had made him feel so happy was unattainable to him. He knew that life wasn’t fair, he knew that you can’t always get what you want, he could rationalize the issues that would come with pursuing her, but he didn’t want to be selfish and hurt Celeste in the process.

When his alarm finally went off he groaned and shut it off before he sat up and rubbed at his eyes. He stretched a bit and got up to have a shower, he would normally do a little yoga session, but he was in absolutely no mood for that at the moment. He also skipped breakfast, which he rarely ever did, and just decided to run an errand that had been on his mind for about a month now. When Harry pulled up to the animal shelter he didn’t want to be too optimistic that the cat he had dropped off a while back might still be there.

“Morning!” The young guy at the front desk smiled happily as Harry walked in.

“Good morning.” Harry responded with a smile.

“How can I help you?” He asked and Harry rested his hands on the counter top before sighed.

“So a few weeks back I dropped off a cat, she was all gray and had these big green eyes-”

“Like you?” The guy said with a smile and Harry smiled bashfully and glanced away for a second.

“Yeah, I suppose so.” He said before looking back at the guy with a chuckle, “I was just wondering if the owner was found? Or if she had been adopted already?” He asked.

“Did she have a collar?”

“Ummm no, but she was chipped. I know if they’ve been to a pound or shelter before you guys chip them too though. So maybe she’s just a stray.” He said and the guy nodded.

“That’s right…” he said as he started typing something into his computer, presumably looking through the catalog, “Do you happen to know the breed?”

“I have no idea.” Harry sighed through a chuckle.

“No worries, we’ve got a few gray cats in at the moment so I just want to narrow it down. What was she like?”

“Mmmm, she was friendly and cuddly. Kind of clingy,” he chuckled.

“Maybe a Russian Blue…” the guy said and then smiled, “We only have two of those at the moment and one if a kitten so I’d assume it’s the other one.” He explained, “Did you want to see her?”

“Yeah, if possible. And adopt her too I guess.” He said.

“Oh, right on.” He smiled, “Yeah, let’s go on back.” He said and Harry followed him down a hall and then another door that led to the cat enclosures, “Do you have other pets?”

“Ummm no, this would be the only one.” He said and the guy nodded, “Well, after you brought her in we had her spayed a few days later, so that’s all taken care of. She’s up to date on her vaccinations as well.” He said and Harry nodded, “Is it this one?” He asked stopped at one of the kennels and Harry smiled when he saw her curled up atop of the little tower in the corner of the enclosure. The little name card said “Misty”, it’s what he was calling her after Celeste mentioned that name.

“Yep, that’s her.” Harry said and the guy smiled.

“Great. So typically for adoptions we do want to socialize the cats with the owners first, make sure they’re going to a good person and all that. So if you’d like to hang out with her for a bit today and then put in your application before you go she can be going home with you whenever you’re ready for her next week.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Harry smiled. 

“Alright, let me open this up for you.” He said and Harry moved aside, “Do you want to go to another room?”

“This is fine, I want her to feel comfortable with me first.” Harry assured and then just sat down at the entrance of the little kennel. Misty’s attention was fixed on him. She was looking up at him with a bit of caution.

“I’ll come back in about 10-15 minutes, yeah?”

“That’s perfect, thank you.” Harry said, slightly glancing back before turning back to the cat. “Hi.” He said quietly and extended his hand out in invitation for her to get closer. He smiled when he saw her tail started to wag in interest. He continued making eye-contact with her until she raised her hind legs and stretched a bit before she started to stalk over slowly. She sniffled at his hand before she approached, walking up to him between his legs and he smiled as she looked up at him and her eyes closed as he started to stroke her back and she almost immediately started purring.

“Do you remember me?” He asked quietly as she started to lower herself and he chuckled. Overall she was as sweet and clingy as he remembered, she was a beautiful cat. He preferred dogs much more as he had grown up with dogs at his grandparents’ house, but he didn’t have as much time for a dog. If this cat was a needier breed he didn’t even want to think about how much more needy a dog would be. Cats could certainly be on their own if they had stimulation around them and well, if he kept her at his practice then she’d get plenty of attention from people, he was certain of it. The time just flew by and before he knew the guy who had been helping him was coming back.

“So, has this sealed the deal?”

“Definitely.”

“Cool, I started on the paperwork.” He said and Harry smiled.

“See you soon, Misty.” He said petting her once more before he stood. As soon as the door to her kennel was closed she mewed loudly in protest and it just about broke his heart and he frowned, “Don’t worry, I promise I’ll be back for you soon.” He said to the cat and struggled to walk away. He felt a lump in his throat as he followed the guy back up front.

“She’s really attached.” 

“Yeah, one of my patients saw her out on the fire escape of my practice a few weeks ago. It was raining, who knows how long she was out there. I had to take her home with me since it was already late.”

“She knows you’re a good person.” Harry smiled as the guy said this.

“Well, I hope I am.” He said as the guy printed out the forms he needed to sign.

“What kind of practice do you have?”

“I’m a psychiatrist.” He said and he hummed.

“That’s cool.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” He chuckled lowly.

“I mean, a lot of people need help so it is cool that you can help them.” He rephrased and Harry nodded.

“Well you’re right about that. How’d you get into this?” He asked.

“Oh, this I my shelter actually.” He explained and Harry’s eyes went wide.

“Oh, that’s sick.” Harry said with a smile and the guy nodded, “Sorry, I didn’t even get your name.” He said.

“It’s Cam.” He said extending his hand to Harry and he shook it firmly.

“I’m Harry.” He introduced himself before they let go, “Hey, I know that some people need emotional support animals, maybe we could look into collaborating or something in the future.” He said and Cam smiled.

“Yeah, that’d be great actually. We need to find these little guys homes. After COVID we’ve had so many animals surrendered. Especially dogs, tons of people got bored and got quarantine puppies.”

“Oh yeah.” Harry nodded.

“Yeah, the animals are also really codependent and have depression and anxiety and attachment issues when they come here and it’s also really hard for them, you know?” He asked and Harry frowned as he nodded.

“I can imagine. So are you a vet?” 

“Not yet.” He explained, “I’m on my third year, so almost done.” He said and Harry hummed.

“Well keep it up.” He encouraged the man who nodded and smiled. He soon brought over the forms he needed to fill out and once he had those all taken care of Cam explained the process the application would go through and soon Harry was off to work. He was looking forward to the weekend, he had the escape room with Henry and Grace tomorrow night, Saturday he would find himself at the farmer’s market, and then Sunday he’d be relaxing at home - his week had been mentally and emotionally draining and he needed to distract himself. 

*********

Geri and Ozzy had been flocking Celeste ever since she’d come back to school because they could tell the Megan was trying to talk to her and they didn’t want to give her a chance. Of course she wanted to apologize to her, in Celeste’s mind Megan was willing to do just about anything to not get expelled, it made sense. But she wanted her to be expelled, she deserved it after everything that she had done. She didn’t want to talk to her or even look at her until the school board was telling her that she was expelled. She just had to hang out two more weeks and then everything would be resolved. Megan deserved everything that would happen to her, Celeste had just recently been able to get back to playing guitar how she could before! Getting expelled was not as worse as what had been put through, it’s not like she wouldn’t get into another school. She was pretty and popular from the start so Celeste was sure Megan would have no issue making friends wherever she was off to next. 

“Hey guys, I’m just gonna go the bathroom and then meet you in the band room, OK?” She said to Ozzy and Geri who both nodded. They had a spring concert next week and they are rehearsing a lot. As soon as Celeste sat on the toilet she was filled with fear when she heard the lock on the main door latch quietly, almost as if she wasn’t supposed to hear it. Her body was covered in goosebumps and her breathing started to become short and shallow as fear of what would happen started to flood her mind. She cleaned herself up with shaky hands and tried to take deep breaths as she stepped out of the stall, but she didn’t see anyone. Maybe she had imagined it. She was washing her hands when the furthers stall creaked open and Megan emerged. Celeste’s eyes were wide in fear as she backed into the paper towel dispenser.

“Megan, please don’t do anything to me.” She said shakily, bringing her hands out before her to minimize the potential contact and Megan frowned as she saw the fear coming off of Celeste. She was barely breathing and she could feel how nervous she was.

“I’m not going to do anything to you, Celeste. I just want to talk to you. To explained what…what’s going on.” She said and Celeste frowned.

“I don’t care, Megan. I just want you gone.” She said and Megan frowned.

“Look, after everything I did to you I get it. But look, I just, I need you to read this, OK?” She said as she swung her backpack to the front to pull out the letter she had written.

“I don’t want your forced apology.”

“It’s not forced! I mean it and I just owe you an explanation.” She said, extending the folded up papers to Celeste, “Please just read it. Obviously, I don’t want to get expelled and if this help great, but if not, I get it.” She said quietly. Celeste looked between her eyes and papers she was extending a few times before she reached up and grabbed them from her.

“I’ll read this, but don’t expect me to forgive you.” She said and Megan nodded.

“I know.” She said and Celeste refused to turn her back on Megan as she hurried to unlock the door and rush out of the bathroom. She got through band well enough and Ozzy’s mom gave her and Geri rides home and as soon as she was in the safety of her home she had a thought to look at the letter, but decided not to. And she put it off like this with other things, like homework, putting away the dishes on the rack, putting her clothes in the wash…when her mom got home they had dinner and just before Diana got to washing Celeste looked over at her.

“Mom?”

“Yes, mamita?” She asked with a smile and Celeste sighed.

“Megan approached me in the bathroom today.” She said and Diana frowned.

“Did she do something to you?” She asked immediately and Celeste shook her head.

“She just wanted to give me the letter, she said she owed me an explanation.” 

“OK, and what’s bugging you about it? Isn’t this what you wanted from her? To know why she was doing all of this?” She asked and immediately she thought of Dr. Styles, he would probably ask her the exact same question.

“Yeah, I guess…but I���m scared of what it’s gonna say.” She confessed and her mom grabbed her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Yeah, it is scary.” She agreed, and well Diana knew that it was more likely that the truth would make Celeste more angry than sad, “You don’t have to read it yet, you know? You can think about it for a few days. Or even wait to read it with Dr. Styles, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind being there with you for it.” She said, knowing that Harry was kind of her comfort person right now. She didn’t have an urgency to know what was written, she had a good idea of what it would say.

“You don’t want to know too?”

“Of course I do, but I also remember what we talked about and that sometimes you’d like to process before sharing with me.” Celeste smiled upon hearing this. It was hard for Diana to not be the first person she came to for everything, realistically she knew that would be the case the older Celeste got, but she was 14, she was still a child. But she had also told Harry that she trusted him with Celeste and with helping her, so she would let them work together before she demanded to know more. She might know the reason for why Megan did what she did, but she still wanted to know if she had mentioned that in her letter.

“OK.”

“Just take it at your own pace, OK?”

“I will.” Celeste assured. After helping clean up a bit she went up to her bedroom and got ready for bed and once in it she stared at her backpack forever until she just got out and felt around for the papers and brought them back to her bed. She took a deep breathe and unfolded them.

“Dear Celeste,

I know that by now you must hate me for everything I’ve done to you and I don’t blame you. I know you must think I’m this evil person and bully but I’m really not. I’m just confused a little bit right now. I’ confused about a lot of things and it’s scary. Scary enough that it pushed me to do things to you when you didn’t deserve it. I’ve been working with Miss Jones a lot and she’s helping me be less confused about the things I feel and I know you must think that I’, just writing this to not get expelled from school, but it’s not. Of course, I don’t want to be expelled, who does? But that’s besides the point. I am writing this because I was wrong for hurting you, emotionally and physically. I know that a piece of paper does nothing to fix that and I can’t take it back even though I wish I could. I am so sorry Celeste. Miss Jones said I didn’t have to share what I am about to with you, but I want to so that we’re even.” 

Celeste frowned as she set the first page down and then went on to the next page.

“I know that you don’t owe anything to me and that you don’t have to keep my secret but I know that you’re a good person and that you’ll do what you think is best. I know I deserve to pay back what I did to you in some way and if that means getting this out then fine. The reason why I’ve been so mean to you is because I’m jealous of you. Or was…I don’t know, I still might be a little bit. I’m jealous of you and Geri.”

Celeste’s mouth dropped open in shock as she read the next part.

“I think I like-like Geri. Or well, I do like her. I hope you’re not weirded out by that. But I just thought that maybe you guys liked each other and I was jealous. I tried to kiss her once and she rejected me and when I saw you guys together I got mad because I thought she thought I maybe wasn’t good enough or pretty enough for her. I made her promise not to tell anyone or I would do something bad to her, so don’t be mad at her for keeping my secret. And well, after talking to Miss Jones about that last week I realized that it’s not that I was mad at you, I guess I’m more mad at myself for feeling that way about Geri. And I don’t want to blame this on my parents, but they’ve always told me that feeling that way is wrong. And so I was made to feel bad for feeling that way about Geri. That’s why I’m a little confused right now because I can’t help what I feel, but I also don’t want to feel bad all the time and it’s a mess. It has nothing to do with you and I just made it about you. I’m so sorry.”

Celeste frowned as she read that and went to the final page.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me any time soon for what I did to you, but I at least hope that now you can understand what is going on. One of my friends heard you telling Geri that you go to therapy and if that’s my fault I’m sorry. But now I’m doing that too with Miss Jones and she’s helping me a lot. I promise that I won’t be mean to you any more and that I will stay away from your friend group. I’m also really sorry for the instagram page that was so messed up, I didn’t think about it until your mom was screaming in mine and my mom’s face at the principal’s office. I wasn’t thinking at all about how bad that could’ve been. Your mom is really nice by the way, I did deserve to get yelled at like that, but she was still nice after she found out, which helped a lot because my mom yelled at me all the way home after that. Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say and I hope that one day you’re not mad at me any more. - Megan Freeman”

Celeste was somehow more angry as she read that last bit, how could she not be mad at her? She literally took all her problems out on her and that was so unfair. She was also madam her mom because she knew and never said anything to her! She went back to the second page and set it on her bed before grabbing her phone and opening up her instagram. She went to her stories camera and snapped a picture of Megan’s confession about liking girls and her finger hovered over the “your story” button as she exhaled shakily. “…I know that you’re a good person and that you’ll do what you think is best…”, here eyes were drawn to that line on the screen and she groaned before she deleted it and fell back onto her bed. She was angry but as she thought about what she said about her parents she felt bad for her and now she was confused too. How could she feel angry and bad about someone at the same time. Then she thought about Geri and also got annoyed because she knew why she was getting bullied and she never told her anything about it. How would Megan have known if Geri said something? She regretted opening up that letter because now she was just in a state of frustration.

The next morning when she got to school and saw Megan in the hallway she looked extremely nervous and expectant and Celeste just glared at her before continuing to her locker. She was just gathering her things when Geri came up to her.

“Hey!”

“Hi.” She said burly before slamming her locker shut.

“Geez! Are you OK?”

“I’m fine. Is there something that you want to tell me?” 

“Umm no? About?” 

“Megan?” Celeste said and Geri looked at her with confusion.

“Not really, why? Did she do something else to you?”

“No, just…forget it.” She mumbled and walked off, forcing Geri to hurry off and catch up to her. All day she gave Geri the cold shoulder and she was so angry that she just wasn’t catching on to why she could possibly be upset at her. Even at the end of the day she hugged her stiffly before getting into the car with her mom.

“Hey cariño, how was your day?” She asked happily.

“It was fine…” Celeste mumbled as she buckled up.

“Are you hungry?”

“A little bit.” She said and Diana nodded. When she didn’t choose a place Diana just chose something and as soon as they got home she trudged up to her bedroom and Diana sighed, she had definitely read that letter and whatever it said definitely made her upset. She was eager to help her process everything, but she knew that if she needed her help she would ask, hopefully.

*********

Harry was still very distracted and the evidence to that was them not finishing up the escape room on time. This was the first time he had ever been so out of the loop that he couldn’t even get his brain to focus for an hour. 

“Well shit.” Henry sighed as the last 3 seconds passed and the timer went to zero. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Harry mumbled.

“It’s alright, there’s a first for everything.” Henry assured and Grace nodded in agreement. The door was unlocked and then the staff member came in and showed them the final two steps they needed to get out.

“Next time, guys! But don’t beat yourselves up, this is one of our hardest rooms.” The woman consoled them but Harry just rolled his eyes as he walked out first. He had an IQ of 130, hardly anything was really challenging for his intellect. He was just more in shambles over Diana because of how hung up he was on her. Almost like he couldn’t believe he was feeling this way over someone again. As the three of them reconvened outside Henry asked what the plan was and Harry looked between him and Grace.

“I ummm, am kind of feeling like I need to go put in some ground work.” He said glancing back to Henry who just nodded.

“Yeah, alright man. Should we eat first?”

“Yeah, we can split up from there.” Harry smiled. They went and had some dim sum place that Grace had been eager to try and soon they were saying their goodbye’s outside of the restaurant.

“Oh, Harry can I ask you something?” Grace asked and Harry nodded, “I’ll meet you in the car!” She called to Henry who had already baked away a bit. He shot her a thumbs up and gave Harry one last wave before he headed off to the car. He wondered if this had anything to do with Diana or maybe it was something else about Henry?

“What’s up?” He asked with a smile.

“Well, it’s more things than just one.” She said and he smiled.

“No worries, shoot.” He said and she exhaled nervously.

“Am I like…getting in the way of your friendship with Henry?” She asked and Harry furrowed his eyebrows as he heard this, “Because I feel like I am in a way, like I know you guys never lose at these things and you did today and the only difference was that I was here now sans Rebecca. And you did’t want to go out for drinks after and if it’s an issue I don’t have to come to these things.” She said to him with some worry and Harry shook his head.

“No, you’re not coming between us at all!” He assured and she looked into his eyes more sternly, “I swear it! And well, any time a friend introduces a partner things are bound to change in some way, that’s normal! But I promise you I really like you, Henry hasn’t really had a lot of official girlfriends, I’m sure he’s told you that he’s casually dated frequently,” she nodded, “but maybe I’ve met 3 people he’s been dating in total and you actually got asked to be his girlfriend, so…” Harry said and she smiled, “I like you, Grace. I’ve just had a bit of a week and I’m not up to our usual plans is all, I’ve been a bit off my game. Nothing to do with you, I promise.” Harry assured and she nodded.

“Are you doing OK, though? After Rebecca?” She asked carefully and he nodded.

“Yeah, I think it was the best thing for both of us. I think the fact that neither of us are bummed about it says a lot.” He chuckled and she did as well with a little shrug.

“Yeah, that’s probably true.” She agreed, “Ummm next thing I wanted to talk to you about was ummm…Diana.” She explained and he hummed. Mentally screaming at the sound of her name.

“I didn’t know that you were working with Celeste and I know that it’s best to keep some distance for objectivity and all that-” Well it was too late for that now. Harry thought to himself, “kind of stuff. So I’m sorry if I made you feel weird at any point, I know she was a little worried about that and made a point to not join for the most part until you’ve finished treating Celeste. I just wanted to tell you because you guys seemed to get along really, really well and I was hopeful that maybe she’d at least find another friend in you.” She explained and despite the pang of hurt in his heart upon hearing that he nodded.

“Yeah, don’t worry she told me as well afterwards. I planned on waiting to talk to her when she came in next after that weekend but she beat me to it.” He chuckled and Grace shook her head.

“Yeah, she’s on top of it all.” Grace said with a smile and he nodded, “Ummm, I’m asking you this because you’re not her therapist, but is she doing OK with everything going on with Celeste?” She asked and Harry sighed.

“Yes and no.” he said, “Like she knows what’s within her abilities to help with and what’s not, so that’s always a good thing and she’s great at respecting those boundaries. But I can also see that it’s kind of hard for her to do that, you know? I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for her right now. Especially after that instagram page.”

“Oh my god, yeah.” Grace agreed, “I just wanted to see how you see her because she does share and talk to me about it, but I just feel like there’s something else going on that is eating away at her and she’s just not telling me, you know? But you’re right, they’re going through a lot at the moment and I’m sure that’s just weird for her to navigate.”

“Yeah. And you know, in my experience Diana really appreciates the open and direct communication, even if she might not particularly love what you have to say…” Grace giggled and nodded, “So maybe just ask if there’s anything else, you know?”

“Yeah, thank you, Harry.” Grace said with a smile, “And you know, I really like you too. You’re really great, I like how relaxed Henry gets around you.”

“We both do that for each other, which is pretty cool.” He smiled, “Any other questions?” He asked and she smiled.

“I think that’s about it for the moment. Thank you for making life better for the closest people to me in my life.” She said and he chuckled and looked away bashfully.

“I definitely think you make Henry far happier than I ever could, so give yourself a bit more credit. Between us, I think that you’re kind of everything he’s ever wanted.” Grace was now blushing as Harry’s words soaked in.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Well can I tell you something?”

“Of course.” He said and she bit her lip.

“I ummm, I’d sworn off of committed relationships after my dad cheated on my mom. I was just constantly so afraid of investing so much time in someone and then it going to shit over someone’s stupidity and selfishness. But I mean, with Henry I just…I don’t know sometimes I do feel stupid for letting my guard down and doing everything I said I never would, you know? But ummm, in my gut I just know that he’d never be like that but…I guess, sometimes I’m just waiting for the bubble to burst, you know? And I’m so close to being all in, I want to be all in! I just…don’t know how to get over this fear I have.” She explained and he hummed.

“Well let me tell you one thing, your gut feeling will never be wrong. It’s the one part of us that is still so primal and instinctual, and whatever you’re feeling there will never lead you astray. In this case, rationalizing will only lead you to leaning in favor of keeping that distance, because everything you’ve been through has conditioned you to feel that way and to think that way. I might be a little bias, but Henry is a really great guy and he would never do something like that to you or to anyone for that matter. Like I said before, he’s been so cautious about who he brings in and who he shares these parts of his life with. So just know that him involving you is pretty big for him, just as much as you being a girlfriend is big for you.” He said and she smiled, “So trust your gut if you want to see where this could go, because if you leave it up to your mind you will definitely find a bajillion reasons to back out of it if you want to.” She nodded and exhaled.

“Yeah, that’s true. Well, thank you Harry. We’re all lucky to have you.” She said before they hugged, “Good luck putting in some groundwork tonight! Hope you get laid.” She said shooting him a wink before she turned and started walking and he laughed.

“Hey, tell Henry that just because he has a girlfriend now, it doesn’t mean all of codewords and previous shenanigans aren’t sacred anymore!” He called after her and she laughed loudly and shot him a thumbs up before getting to the car. 

With that Harry headed to his own car and sat for a bit figuring out with bar to go to. Should he go home and get changed or just go somewhere casual in what he was already wearing? He decided to go home and freshen up and hit one of the higher end bars closer to home, he figured that if he went to a fancier place there’d be less chances of running into a student than if he went to something more casual and well, being closer to home meant being able to get someone there easier. He figured that he did need a good fuck to break out of whatever weird daze he was stuck in after Diana. Maybe if things went really well he could get a fuck buddy out of this, which he needed. He hadn’t had a wank to Diana, but he thought about it a lot. He knew that if he let himself get off to her that there’d be no way he’d put her out of his mind for a good long while.

Once at the bar it wasn’t hard for him to settle in and draw some attention. Harry was aware that he was handsome and that if in the proper mood he could charm the daylights out of anyone he well pleased, but it took a lot of his energy to get into that headspace and he hardly ever did it. This was an act of desperation; he so desperately needed a distraction from everything else going on in his head and he needed to take care of this tonight. He had maybe been sitting at the bar for 15 minutes before a woman came planted herself beside him. The bar tender immediately came over and she ordered a gin martini, after she ordered she spared him a glance and he looked back and offered her a polite smile and short nod in greeting and she did the same before she faced forward again. She was beautiful though and she wasn’t shy when her drink came. As they chatted he discovered that she had come with some friends and they had encouraged her to come “shoot her shot” as she had said. This was a clear indication that she was definitely younger than him but he didn’t care right now. So after a few more drinks and lots of intense eye contact and flirting she was scurrying off to grab her coat from her friends’ table and was wiggling her fingers to them in a dainty goodbye as they made their way out of the bar.

This girl was eager to please. As soon as they got into his car she went for the kiss and he allowed it because this was the whole reason he was out tonight. She was intense and forceful with her tongue as she pressed herself up against the center console. He didn’t hate her desperation, because he was feeling a bit desperate too, but he kept thinking about how Diana and him kissed. The only mouth he wanted on his was hers and even having this gorgeous and eager woman here with him wasn’t changing that for him.

“Mmm, wait, wait, wait.” He said as he broke the kiss, “First off, are you sure about this?” He asked and she nodded, her eyes locked on his, “You’re not drunk right?”

“No.” She assured with a smile and he smiled back.

“Good. Would you mind going back to mine or would you rather spend the night somewhere?” He asked and she bit her lip pensively.

“Do you live far?”

“No, maybe 10 minutes away at most.” He said and she nodded.

“OK, then.” She said and he smiled before he got the car started. On the whole way over she was palming at his crotch, feeling him growing and growing in his dress pants. He loved the friction and feeling of someone else touching him other than himself, he hadn’t tried to have sex with anyone in a while and quite frankly, this was long overdue in his opinion. As soon as they pulled into his driveway and smiled. “Oh, a house?”

“Yeah, I am an adult.” He said with a grin and she bit her lip to suppress her smile.

“So you’re pretty loaded.” She said as she turned to him as he shut off the engine and he glanced over to her.

“In what way?” He asked and she laughed.

“I mean… to own a house in the LA area. I kind of already have a good idea about the other thing.” She said more quietly towards the end of her sentence and he smirked.

“I’m alright.” He said humbly and she hummed at his mysterious response. Soon they were making their way inside and she wanted a tour, so he showed her around.

“You have really excellent taste.” She finished as they stopped at the dining room and then she pulled the curtains covering the large glass back door aside and peered out, “Is that a hot tub?”

“Oh yeah.” He chuckled, “S’been raining a lot though, so it’s not guest ready at the moment though.” He explained and she pouted as she turned to him.

“Bummer.” She said and he smiled apologetically.

“Sorry. I can show you the bedrooms though.” He said and she giggled at his not smooth transition.

“Yeah, show me.” She said regardless and he pulled her along down the hallway that led to the guest bedroom, as much as he needed a lay, he didn’t necessarily want her in his personal, private space. As soon as they made it inside he slid up the light dimmer so that she’d be able to see the room. He did sometimes sleep in here on those random occasions when his bed felt foreign. It had an ensuite as well, and a lot of his books and music were in here as well. “You’re so neat.”

“Thank you.” He said and she smiled as she continued looking around before she sat on the edge of the bed, she then crossed her leg and stretched a bit to get her high heel unstrapped and was quick to bend down and help her.

“Thanks.” She smiled as he unwrapped the strings from around her ankle, then he moved to the next one and he hummed as her fingers carded in his hair and he kissed at her knees and then up her thighs before she stopped him, “I ummm, have this thing about strangers not going down on me. Like I’ll still go down on you, but for me that just feels really intimate.” She explained and he nodded.

“Yeah, that’s fine. Whatever you’re comfortable with.” He said and she smiled. 

She pulled him up so that they were kissing again and she was now pushing him to sit on the bed beside her as she rushed to get his shirt off. Her fingers were quick and soon her lips where trailing down his jaw and his chest. Harry was warding off mental images of Diana as this girl kissed and licked down his abs now as he helped her with his belt. When he was able to get his pants down enough to spring his cock free she moaned and immediately wrapped her hand around it making him shudder.

“You’re so big.” She hummed delightfully before she glanced up at him and licked at his tip, which made his jaw clench in anticipation. She continued stroking the rest of his shaft as she started to use her mouth on the head of his penis. The suckles and strokes of her tongue to his slit had his thighs tensing up as he felt his orgasm was soon approaching. He tried to focus on something else to deescalate this a bit so that he could at least fuck her, but that immediately led to thoughts of what Diana had said and how upset Celeste had been at even the possibility of them two being together, and that was getting him too relaxed as he suddenly wasn’t in the mood for sex. He felt bad though because he had brought this girl over here for just that.

“D-do you want to have sex?” He asked and she popped off of him and she glanced up at him.

“I mean, yeah, but you don’t at least want to come like this first so that you can go a bit longer? I was kind of hoping I could get off too.” She said and he leaned down and kissed her ardently, forcing away any thoughts of the woman who he wanted to be with at this very second.

“I’m perfectly capable of making you come.” He said with slight offense and a confident smile on his face and she grinned into his kiss.

“I’m sure you will, it takes me a bit.” She said and he took that as a challenge.

“If you don’t come at least twice I didn’t do my job right.” He said and she grinned. 

He helped undress her and as she threw the decorative pillows off the bed he grabbed a condom and dimmed the lights per her request. He climbed over her and touched and kissed and licked at her breasts and down her navel, respecting her boundary of not wanting him to go down on her. She seemed to enjoy his dirty talk, so he worked her up that way and bit the time he was getting his hands down to her folds she was soaking wet for him, which he made sure to milk. When he finally got to her clit she was whimpering for more. And for some reason the soft sounds of her whimpers reminded him of the sounds Diana made when he had kissed her. He kind of let his mind take over and he sunk his fingers into the girl, feeling up her walls and curling his fingers forward when he reached the dip inside of her and she literally gasped.

“Found it.” He hummed haughtily and she moaned as he started to prod into that spot faster until her legs were buckling and she was easily coming undone as she clutched the sheets. 

Harry worked her through it until she was begging for him to get inside and so he quickly got the condom on and rubbed himself into her sticky folds, working himself up a bit more before he pushed inside of her with a soft sigh of relief. She was warm and tight and as he buried his face in her neck he immediately frowned when that delicious scent of cherries wasn’t  present. He groaned as he pulled his hips back and then slammed them forward again, but the more he thrust into her the more his mind went back to Diana. He thought about her hand in his, about their lips smearing together urgently, about getting stoned with her and looking into her beautiful eyes until she seemed to good to be true. He thought about just how much more of her wonderful self there was to explore. He thought about how bad he wanted her body, so he started to just pretend it was. His style morphed into one with more intention, he was going slower but deeper, making the girl under him whine and gasp. She was sucking on his neck hard and her nails were digging hard into his shoulders as she got closer and closer to her orgasm. He could feel her right on the edge so he ensured to line up with her properly to stimulate her clit as he continued to thrust into her. Mentally he was somewhere else and he didn’t mind it, especially as the girl beneath him came undone once again.

“Oh, baby. Oh fuck, Diana. I’m gonna come!” He panted and the girl under him froze.

“What?” She asked and upon hearing another voice he pushed himself away from her neck and realize what he had just done.

“J-just ignore me, m’sorry.” He said as he continued to thrust into her and she scoffed.

“No fucking way, you just called me by another woman’s name! Get off of me!” She spat angrily and Harry sighed but did as she requested. He was so embarrassed, this had never happened to him before and he grabbed a pillow to cover up his groin while he clambered off the bed to get to his briefs.

“Look I’m really sorry. Do you need me to give you a ride somewhere?” He asked and she scoffed as she picked up her clothes.

“It’s fine, just get me an uber or something.” She said quietly, still very offended at what he’d done, but he understood. She gave him her destination and then he gave her some privacy as she wanted to freshen up a bit. He ordered her car and then went to his bedroom to get on some clothes. She still wasn’t out of the room so he grabbed her a water bottle from the kitchen and waited around in the living room monitoring the incoming uber. He was beating himself up over this and he had hurt someone’s feelings all because his own feelings weren’t in check and he felt like an idiot, like a moron! He had no idea if anything he did would make up for it. Well, at least he’d kept his promise and made her come twice…when she came in she was still visibly upset and he handed her the water bottle which she took.

“Again, I’m really sorry for that. That’s never happened to me before-”

“Do you even remember my name?” She asked and he bit on his lip and shook his head shamefully. He supposed she had said it when they got to talking but he didn’t really pay any mind to it. “You’re kind of a douche, Harry.” She said flatly and he sighed.

“I know. I’m really, really sorry.”

“You shouldn’t have sex with other people when you’re hung up on someone else! It’s not fair.” She scolded and he nodded.

“You’re right. You’re absolutely right.” He said and she sighed and shook her head. It was kind of annoying that he didn’t get defensive or try to change her mind or offer to make up for this - he wasn’t a douche at all. That’s what made it more hurtful, that he was genuinely a great guy from what she could tell. They stood in silence for a few moments and she sighed.

“You’re not a douche, and whoever this Diana is, hopefully she gets it together and takes you back or sees you in the same way you see her or whatever.” The girl said, she just never repeated her name and Harry felt so bad because he wanted to at least remember and send her off properly.

“Thanks.” He said quietly.

“Maybe if she sees that there, it’ll make her jealous.” She said as she glanced down to his neck, “Sorry, I don’t usually leave hickeys.”

“It’s alright.” He assured and then his phone pinged, “Your Uber’s here.” 

“Great. Umm, well thanks for at least making me finish.” She said as he opened up the door and he chuckled in some embarrassment.

“Yeah, of course. Ummm, what’s your name again, I’m sorry.” He apologized again, as if this could be any more humiliating.

“Don’t think it really matters anymore.” She said softly, “Night.” She said and hurried across the little walkway and into the uber and just like that she was gone and he had even failed at a one night stand. 

Harry was embarrassed and ashamed and he felt so fucking lonely now. He was shutting off the lights as he made his way to his bedroom, he’d clean the guest room tomorrow. And as he laid in his bed he just sighed as he stopped avoiding the thoughts of Diana that were invading his mind. He didn’t know what it was about her that made him feel so out of control, but he loved it. And well, he felt kind of dumb because he was certain that as much as she probably had a crush on him, she didn’t share the same affinity for him as he did for her; or at least he had no evidence of that and well, a kiss doesn’t really mean much in reality. He was in deep and he felt kind of dumb for pining after someone who barely even felt the same as he did. But even more than that, for someone that was off limits to him. It saddened him because he craved getting to know her, every part of her.

*********

Once again, Celeste was upset about something that she wasn’t ready to talk to Diana about. Diana was certain that it had to do with something that Megan had written in her note, she wasn’t sure why she would mention her in it, but it was very possible and she was working on the assumption that it was that. As much as she was impatient to just get to the bottom of it, it was Sunday, meaning Celeste had therapy tomorrow so she was sure that she’d have plenty to talk about after she met with Harry. For now she would just jog because she needed some space from Celeste’s brooding and the lovely things Grace had to say about Harry after they hung out on Friday. She pretty much zoned out as she focused on her music and her thoughts and when she broke away from her metal prison she realized she had made it to the park the was about two blocks away from her house. She sighed as she slowed down and just let herself wander over to the swing set on the edge of the playground. It was only 7am, so there were no children here, just two other runners all the way across the park, they were barely starting to loop back in her direction. She started to create momentum to swing a bit more, just enough that she could feel a bit of wind on her face. 

She not only had the things with Celeste on her mind, her brother, Damian, would also be coming along to the board meeting to be an extra support for Celeste. He had been in Spain for the last six months and so his usually constant communication with Celeste had been lacking a bit, which she understood, but he wanted her to know that he was there for her and that she mattered to him. That would be great, but if he made a trip here she knew that inevitably, her mother would also make an effort to drop by, which was the last thing she needed with everything going on.

“Hey, thought that was you.” She heard and glanced to her left to see none other than Harry in his running clothes and a cap on his head. He looked glorious with the early morning sun shining behind him. And he was littered in tattoos. Sure, she’d seen the cross on his hand, but she’d never seen his arms fully and well his chest, and knees were inked too. It was surprising. And well, he was wearing a tank top and running shorts and she could see just how muscular he actually was and it was making her mind grow foggy.

“Oh wow!” Diana said with a smile and he looked at her confused, “Never seen you in all your glory before.” She signaled at him with her hands and he chuckled as he realized what she was trying to say. He wondered if she was good shocked or bad shocked by his tattoos. He started when he got to med school and well, he did go into a bit of a frenzy, but he didn’t really regret any of them. He hoped that this didn’t make her less attracted to him as she continued to look him over as he stopped in front of her. He was getting nervous so he changed the subject.

“I’ve never seen you around here. Do you run here often?” He asked and she looked into his eyes now and shook her head.

“No, never. I just kind of zoned out a bit and went a bit further than I normally do.” She explained and he hummed.

“Must have a lot on your mind.” He said and she nodded. They suddenly heard a car horn honk loudly and turned to the sound and when she saw it was nothing she focused back on him and well she felt a pinch in her heart when she saw a hickey at the base of his neck. It started to grow in her chest and spread out to her arms and it reached all the way down to her fingertips. The steady prickling feeling of disappointment and hurt was never a nice feeling and she looked down at her shoes instead as she talked herself out of feeling upset over this. When he finally turned back to her Harry noticed that she looked a bit bummed out, “So are you OK?” 

“Oh yeah.” She said and glanced up to him, but she couldn’t help and steal a glance at the love bite again and it was hard for him to miss her looking it over too. He felt satisfied, but also crappy because of how it all happened.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, just Celeste is mad at me again. I suspect it’s about the apology letter Megan wrote her.”

“She’s not talking to you?”

“Yeah, just not about that. I’m sure she’ll bring it up to you tomorrow in session.” She said and he nodded, “I just…I’m really impatient to know when people have a problem with me. Because I’m a fixer, I want to fix things I did wrong you know?” She explained and he nodded, “I also hate to be the one that brings said things up…” she chuckled and shook her head at the irony.

“Confrontation is hard.” He said simply and she nodded with a smile. 

“That’s for sure. Ummm…my brother is gonna come for the board meeting.”

“Oh, that’s good!”

“Yeah, it’s great that she’ll have more support. It’s just…when my brother comes into town my mother tends to descend upon me as well and…” she felt a knot forming in her throat and he frowned as he stepped closer to her; one of his hands was on the chain of the swing and the other on her shoulder. She had her bottom lip bitten hard between her teeth and her eyes were all glossed over, she was fighting from crying and it made him upset to see her that way, “I’m sorry.” She said quietly and Harry shook his head.

“No, love. S’alright.” He assured and she glanced up to him at the term of endearment he let slip, “S-sorry, it just came out.” He said and she shook her head.

“It’s OK.” She said as their eyes met. How she wanted to tell him that she liked it, she liked it when it felt like they were just two people with endless possibilities before them. She had been keeping her distance emotionally, she already liked him, but she didn’t want to like him anymore than she did at this time. It was mostly surface level at this point, there were parts of him that she knew and that she liked, but they were basic things, really. Nothing like he had said of her the other night. She wanted to speak of him that way, but that would require a lot of sacrifice that would just end in hurt and she didn’t want to hurt anymore. She felt that she had hurt enough for her entire lifetime and still, it kept coming as if she hadn’t had enough.

“What is it?” He asked quietly and she swallowed thickly.

“I just…was thinking how this must feel really one-sided to you. How you’re always helping me and listening to me and learning about me and that…must suck.” She said and he smiled softly.

“It doesn’t suck.” He said to her, “I really don’t mind it.” He assured and she smiled.

“It’s not that I don’t want to reciprocate, I just…can’t.”

“I know. With Celeste and everything-”

“It’s nothing to do with Celeste, it’s just me.” She confessed, “I don’t want to get hurt anymore. And I know you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose, but just our situation would and…I also don’t want to hurt you. And if these run in’s leave you feeling sad or something, we don’t have to.”

“I’d rather talk to you for five seconds than not talk to you at all.” He admitted and she swallowed thickly as she looked into his eyes, “It’s worth it for me. To get to know you and understand you. Maybe it is…self-destructive and pointless, but it makes me happy. Even if it’s just for right now.” He said and she sighed, “Doesn’t it make you happy? When we see each other and get to be like this?” He asked as his hand slid down over hers and she nodded.

“It does.” She agreed quietly as she enjoyed the warmth of his hand over hers, “But it’s also sad because I know it’ll be over too soon.” She said and he smiled at her.

“Then don’t think about that, love. Just be here with me, right now. Who cares about everything that comes after.” He said quietly and she smiled.

“Yeah, you’re right. Sit with me then, we can see who swings higher.” She said with a playful smile and he smirked.

“Oh, you’re going down.” He said confidently as he let her go and got into the swing next to her. She was going higher, considering that she was smaller and lighter than he was, but he was getting up there. They were laughing as the wind rushed through their hair and they just allowed for the fun of the moment to exist without a concern for what came next.“And now we have to jump off!” Harry shouted.

“Are you crazy!? No way!” She laughed.

“C’mon! Live a little!” He encouraged and she groaned. “Watch!” He said and just propelled himself off of the swing and he did land on his feet despite stumbling a little, “See! C’mon. I won’t let anything happen to you.” He assured and she groaned in anxiety because she wanted to do it, she did but she was so scared. She decreased her height and speed a bit to something that seemed doable and just before she could chicken out she propelled herself off of the swing and sure enough, it was scary but exhilarating as she flew through the air a couple feet and landed on her feet in the sand, she was about to stumble but soon Harry’s hands were on her waist, steadying her and she placed her hands against his chest as she laughed and he did as well, “Told you I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.” He said with a grin and she smiled up at him.

“Do you ever get tired of being right?” She asked through a smile and he smirked.

“Would you?” He asked and she laughed quietly.

“Definitely not.” She said and he chuckled.

“Exactly.” He said lowly. 

She hadn’t pulled her hands away from his body and he was still holding her around her waist. Her body was buzzing in his touch, as it always did. His eye contact did things to her, it made her feel like he could see everything in her mind and in her heart and it was scary, but also quite relieving. She wanted to be able to do that to him too, to just understand him. To learn what each of his looks meant, the gestures he made, the things he said. She wanted to be intimate with him because it just felt like it happened so naturally and because in her eyes, every force in the universe was pushing them closer together and it was getting harder and harder to resist. Before she could talk herself out of it she tiptoed and slid her hands around his neck and he didn’t even hesitate to dip head down so that their lips collided delicately and beautifully. He wrapped his whole arms around her waist to pull her even closer and it just felt right to be in his hold. Her heart was fluttering and her breathing was bated as their lips moved together, kiss after kiss, and it just didn’t feel like enough. His lips were so smooth and he had been chewing some fruity gum that made him taste so good and she couldn’t help it as she opened her mouth up a bit for him to slip his tongue inside. She hummed in satisfaction as he swirled his tongue at the opening of her mouth before he deepened the kiss to slide it along hers. 

Harry moaned into their kiss when her fingers tangled into the bottom of his hair and tugged it a bit. They were in public, so he was trying to keep his arousal at bay, but it was getting so hard do so. Their mouths moved together without urgency, their kiss was slow, but deep and full of every emotion they were feeling towards each other. It was just them right now in this moment. Sure, there was this nagging little voice in the back of her head telling her it was wrong and that they needed to stop, but she didn’t care, she was just happy to be kissing him again. She smiled against his lips when he nipped at her bottom lip playfully and it kind of interrupted the kiss, but he just started to smooch around her mouth and her chin and the corner of her mouth before their lips met once again in a slow kiss which seemed like the last one, they opened their eyes and looked at each other for a few seconds with the biggest, dopiest smiles on their faces. 

“Sorry for just springing that on you.” She said a bit bashfully and he shook his head.

“It’s OK.” He smiled, his dimple was carving deep into his cheek and she melted at how cute he was, “Do you want to sit down for a little bit?” He asked and she nodded. She was sad to feel his hands leave her body, but soon he was extending his hand out towards hers and he pulled her along to a bench that was some feet away under the shade of a large tree. They sat close, with their intertwined fingers resting on his thigh. She lifted their hands as she saw the bottom of another tattoo under his running shorts. They were the high-cut kind so they did ride up a bit more now that he was sitting.

“Another one?” She asked before glancing up to him and he smiled.

“Yeah. I’ve got a lot.” He said with a smile and she hummed.

“What is it?” She asked.

“A tiger. Wanna see?” He asked and she nodded. They let go of each other for a little bit  so that he could show her the full thing. She looked impressed, rather than put off and then started looking at the ones on his arm, pointing out the ones she really liked.

“That’s cool. I’ve always wanted one, I just think it’d hurt a lot and I’d wuss out.” She confessed as she rejoined their hands, a detail which did not escape his mind.

“They don’t hurt that bad.” He said to her with a little smile, “It’s more of a stinging sensation, I’d say. Like when you get scratched or burned a little and it just stings.”

“Oh…interesting. That’s not at all what I would have imagined.” She said pensively and he smiled.

“Yeah, it’s alright. It’s just when you have big ones it can get painful or tiresome. None of mine are really that big to be honest. Just my thigh one really…Oh and I have some laurels right along my pelvis, those hurt.” He recalled, “Oh and my stomach one too, that was probably the most painful one.” He said.

“Stomach one?!” She asked and he chuckled.

“Yeah, it’s a butterfly.” He said to her and she smiled.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He chuckled, “Wanna see?” He asked and she nodded. He lifted his tank top and maybe flexed just a little bit as she reached out and touched it as she shook her head in disbelief.

“That’s really gorgeous actually, but you’re insane for this.” She giggled and he chuckled.

“Just a tiny bit.” He agreed as she pulled her hand away and he let his tank top fall back down. She had a mental image of scratching down his toned chest and torso while she rode him and immediately her cheeks went pink and he grinned, “What?” 

“What?” She asked as she glanced up to him.

“You’ve gone all red in the face.” He pointed out and she cleared her throat. 

“Nothing, I just…didn’t really think about touching you there and I guess the realization didn’t strike until afterwards.” She fibbed. He wanted to believe her, but her eyes had this kind of dark look in them that he knew was an indicator of something much more lewd.

“Oh…right.” He teased and she looked away with a nervous smile, “Hey, nothing to be shy about.” He said and she shook her head.

“I’m a little shy.” She said and he smiled.

“It’s OK, me too.” He assured and she scoffed in disbelief, “I really am!” He defended and she smiled.

“I’m just giving you a hard time, Harry.” She assured and he chuckled and looked down to where her hand was resting and he interlaced their fingers again and just looked at them together. His hand was swallowing hers, but he liked how dainty and small it looked in comparison to his own. But despite the size different he liked how they fit and she seemed to like it too as her head rested on his shoulder and he smiled. “I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel about everything.” She sighed and he hummed.

“That’s sweet of you. Maybe you will someday.” He said and she hummed.

“Yeah, whatever you need I’ll be there.” She stated assuredly and he smiled.

“Thanks, love.” He responded quietly. He did trust her and he knew that at some point she’d come through for him as well. 

“I have a question for you.” She said.

“What is it?” 

“Where’d you get that hickey?” She giggled and he laughed as well and shook his head.

“A failed hookup from last night.” He confessed and then glanced down at her and she was smiling, he wasn’t sure if she was just amused with his response or happy that he said it was a failed hookup.

“Last night, huh?”

“I was sad and lonely, OK? And…I thought that might help.”

“That never helps.” She pointed out and he chuckled.

“You’re right, but sometimes it’s worth a try, OK?” He defended his actions and she hummed.

“Yeah…I suppose. Why did it fail?” She asked and now he was red in the face as the memory resurfaced, “If you don’t mind me asking.” She added and he bit his lip as he thought about being honest with her or not. And well, considering how they were right now he felt that maybe this would kind of be laying it all out on the line.

“Ummm…I…kind of said someone else’s name during.” He said quietly and she started to laugh and leaned further into his hold through her fit of giggles and he chuckled as well, hugging around her as she laughed, “You’re laughing but that’s never happened to me! I almost cried from how bad I felt. But I genuinely didn’t even remember her name. I wasn’t even drunk!” He chuckled and she just continued laughing before she glanced up at him as she shook her head.

“I can imagine. I have secondhand embarrassment just from hearing that.” She giggled and he shook his head in shame again and she giggled, “S’alright though, s’always a bit weird when you first hook up after a breakup.” She assured comfortingly as she looked into his eyes and he bit his lip before he leaned down to kiss her again. A small ‘mph’ sounded between them as she wasn’t expecting a kiss then, but she easily gave in to him as his hands grabbed her face gently. His nose rubbed along hers as he pulled back a bit.

“It wasn’t Rebecca’s name that I let slip.” He whispered his confession against her lips and his eyes fluttered open at the same time as hers.

“Oh.” She whispered.

“Yeah.” He responded and he was nervous now as this fact settled between them. Diana felt that her entire body was suddenly burning from the inside out. Her tummy was flipping and turning with excitement and it was satisfying to confirm that just as she’d thought of him a few times now, it was the same for him. But even still, she wasn’t sure whether she should just run away to avoid acting on every impulse in her body or stay put to assure him that she didn’t mind. There was only one right thing to do because it was the feeling that was coming from her gut. She leaned up and connected their lips again, this kiss was far more sensual and slow, but the tension between them was palpable; they were in public, they had to show some restraint even when their bodies were begging them not to. It was a bit hard for her to want sexual intimacy with someone, but something about Harry made her feel like he was the one for her. The one that would change everything. They were startled apart by a dog that was barking nearby, but then he just pecked her lips with quick kisses a few more times, which made her smile, as they actually made some more distance.

“Sorry, got carried away.” She said as she caught her breath and he chuckled.

“It’s fine. Perfectly fine. Wonderful even.” He smirked and she playfully rolled her eyes.

“Ummm, I should probably head back, I’ve been gone way longer than usual.” Diana said with some disappointment.

“I literally live around the corner. Right over there.” He said pointing to the neighborhood behind the far end of the park, “I can drive you.” He offered and she smiled.

“As lovely as that would be, if Celeste saw the next time you’d see me I’d probably be in a body bag.” She joked as she stood from the bench and he did as well.

“Are you trying to tell me that she has violent and homicidal tendencies, because I can totally work on that with her in session.” He said with a playful smile and she shook her head.

“Don’t ruin the joke, Harry.” She groaned and he smiled and pulled her in by her arm.

“I’m not, it’s more funny actually because that’s totally within my skillset!” He defended as he pulled her into his chest and she hugged around his waist as he hugged around her shoulders. She sighed and then stayed silent as she listened to the steady thumping of his heart for a few moments.

“What are we gonna do?” She asked with some sadness laced in her voice. “This is getting more and more difficult, Harry.”

“I don’t know, love.” He sighed, “I literally don’t know.”

---- Tag List ----

suspended ATM until shadowbanning is lifted! PM my primary blog if you want me to message you when I update!

[aethon-recs]

This Week (x2) in Tomarrymort (25 October – 7 November 2024)

Hello again! We have two multi-chaptered fics finishing this week, highlighted below, as well as a bunch of delicious one-shots and chapter updates as always.

Completed Fic:

Sits the wind in that quarter by @mosiva (M, 61k, complete) “After something of a long absence, Lord Riddle, the Earl of Gaunt, had returned to London.” This is a really cool Regency and Omegaverse AU (how cool is that to see that combined??) that features a lot of courting, gossip and intrigue, social climbing, and Alpha Tom Riddle along with Beta Harry Potter.  Broken Tomarrymort Telephone: Collected Stories by @exquisite-tomarrymort-telephone (E, 109k, complete)  A Tomarrymort version of the Broken Telephone game — passing a whispered word or phrase around a circle, with it often evolving into something quite different as it goes from person to person. “In our version, the starting person received a secret prompt and wrote a fic based on it. They then created a prompt for the next person by summing up what they had written in a single sentence -- with the caveat that their prompt couldn't use the same words as the prompt they were given. This continued through twenty-six (26!) different authors and artists, each adding their own flair and creativity to the exercise. Which brings us to now! We're wrapping up the creation part, so it's time to start sharing it with the world. We hope you enjoy what we've created -- we certainly enjoyed making it.”

In addition, a recap of the author notes from last week. (Please feel free to add some extra context to your fic update in the reblog, such as a little bit about the chapter(s) updated, and I’ll throw it in the update for next week!)

every step i choose to take begins to set the world aflame by @boyneptunee (NR, 4k, WIP) “Tom Riddle wants to become immortal. He will do whatever it takes to achieve it. It gets him in the most interesting situations. (A Phoenix saves his life. The Phoenix is not a Phoenix.)” These Fragments We've Shored by @rowena-rain (M, 31k, WIP) “You call me here because you crave atonement, and only I can give you that. After all, I am the only other who knows what it means to tear one’s soul. Or, as one very astute commenter put it, "Enter Voldemort, the World's Worst Therapist!" (Sorry in advance - Voldemort basically wrote this chapter lol)” Touch of Death by @moontearpensfic (E, 6k, WIP) “An oviposition AU, where Eldritch Harry/Death gives Tom his eggs, which will protect Tom from, well, death. In chapter two, the eggs hatch.” Time Stumbler by @wintumnly (T, 96k, WIP) “One part of my slowburn Harry-raises-Tom series. It ends in Tomarry, but everything building up to that point is unhinged humor, not-good-at-feelings fluff, and angsty plot surrounding Harry and Tom's chaotic and ever growing affections for one another. Update 23 explores Unconditional Love, and there will be familial love, friendship love, flirtatious love, obsessive love and others in future parts.”

*

Tomarrymort One Shots and Completed Fic

Chapters 26 and 27 (Completed) of Sits the wind in that quarter by @mosiva

Chapters 1 through 27 (Completed) of Broken Tomarrymort Telephone: Collected Stories by @exquisite-tomarrymort-telephone

One Shot | Resonating Souls by @endlessburningdarkness

One Shot | Anabiosis by @lee-bella

One Shot | Bites and other Surprises by lemonchase

One Shot | Viticula by @crowcrowcrowthing @cindle-writes

One Shot | Speedrunning Danger by @i-dream-of-libraries

One Shot | Karma’s a bitch by @albondiguilla007

One Shot | It's Like This by @twopenguinsinabox

One Shot | Boulder On by @lumosatnight

One Shot | WTF, Potter?! by @dragonaireabsolvare

One Shot | a couple inches shorter by @2sidesofthesamesoul

One Shot | bloody money by @00queasy00

One Shot | Cerulean blue by @albondiguilla007

One Shot | It's Not Always What It Seems by dysproporsium 

One Shot | To be Entwined by @cyandenial

*

Tomarrymort Ongoing Fics

Chapter 6 of And the Living Will Envy the Dead by @k-s-morgan

Chapter 18 of A Simple Request by @shyinsunlight

Chapters 3 through 6 of in the silence by @satflesk22

Chapter 7 of Anytime, Anywhere, Always by @moontearpensfic

Chapters 15 and 16 of the stars, my destination by @milkandmoon-ao3

Chapter 11 of Ills of Murder by @shadow-of-the-eclipse

Chapter 2 of In My Lover's Room (i am free) by @hyalithium

Chapters 1 through 5 of To the Hilt by @izharmilgram

Chapter 10 of Strings of Fate by @dizzydreamer

Chapters 2 and 3 of If I were you by @onehitpleb

Chapter 25 of would that i'd loved (long ago) by @sprst1tion

Chapter 18 of with eyes like these (who sees anybody else) by @cealesti

Chapter 9 of 7 by @moontearpensfic

Chapters 3 and 4 of you speak of the devil (like he's not your friend) by @amuria

Chapter 24 of Time Stumbler by @wintumnly

Chapter 20 of Outrunning the Villain in You by @zenyteehee

Chapter 19 of Of Darkness and Luminescence by @mindchroniclesandbrainfluff

Chapters 6 and 7 of Memories of a Killer by @chemfreakwriting

Chapter 1 of ROOTED by @inhumanbby

Chapter 1 of baby, turn the bright lights on by @ictyn

Chapter 1 of Harry's No Good, Very Bad Day by @2sidesofthesamesoul

Chapter 15 of Double-Aspect Paradox by TimaeusKosmou

Chapter 15 of Saint Harry by @alenablack @chaos-bear

Chapter 7 of Fetters of the Damned by @sc0rpiflow3r

Chapters 131 and 132 of Liquida Tenebris (Remastered) by @dymis

Chapter 1 of Wish by @sri-verse

Chapter 10 of flour power by Kozzie

Chapter 5 of What quickens me is the violence in thee by @i-dream-of-libraries

Chapter 20 of Occultation by TimaeusKosmou

Chapters 21 and 22 of Learning to love by @l-archiduchesse

Chapters 1 and 2 of The Serpent and the Stag by @green-like-the-sky

Chapter 2 of Fake Boyfriend by J0305

Chapter 7 of i am anonymous, you are a concrete wall by Pensievable

Chapter 8  of we made universes out of bitten lips and broken hands by @boyneptunee

Chapter 8 of Lesmosyne by TimaeusKosmou

Chapter 2 of Your Wish, My Command by @moontearpensfic

Chapters 6 and 7 of Venom or Valor by @lightningant

*

[drarryspecificrecs]

2024.06 ~ Top 10 longest fics posted on AO3

1. When you are ready to go on... but you go back by Sakura521 [M, 175k]

►After the battle of Hogwarts ended Harry thought he could finally be done with all the drama and just have some quiet and peace, but when a freak accident strickes him down he really thinks it would be permanent this time... But he wakes up again in a otherworldly place he rolls with it and goes back in time in hopes to fix everything and no one has to die except the really bad guys. [...] Harry Potter will save everyone and make sure all his loved ones lives a perfect happy life. And if he finds something special for him too, well, he is the savior after all.

2. Beholden by @faith2wood [E, 123k]

►Draco Malfoy might not be a killer, but it turns out he's an effective painkiller. If stopping pain was all Draco's touch did, things might not be so complicated, but either way Harry can't afford to be choosy.

3. Return to Sender by @draykray [E, 113k]

►While dealing with the repercussions of his father's imprisonment, Draco Malfoy receives a desperate letter from his arch-nemesis, Harry Potter. He replies, careful to keep himself anonymous, but their tenuous correspondence can only last so long as sixth year approaches, and with it, all the trouble Draco has been so carefully avoiding.

4. The BFF Plot (Harry Potter RWRB) by Gingit [E, 107k]

►Harry and Draco are forced to pretend to be friends after a little... incident at a fundraising gala involving a cake and a little too much alcohol. Neither of them is happy with the arrangement, but their respective senses of duty to family and an electoral campaign keep them both cooperative. As they reluctantly get to know each other better, they learn that maybe they have more in common than they thought, and the pretend friendship turns into something more. [...]

5. Alliges Duplicia: Bound by @talesfromanuntoldstory​ [E, 102k]

►Harry and Draco both go back to Hogwarts for the 8th year. Harry goes because he skipped his 7th year, and Draco goes because he failed his. They get stuck working together on a Potion’s project because they both skipped the same class in which pairs were chosen. Due to the clumsiness of another student, their brilliant work turns into a disaster when, somehow, their magical energies get bonded together, which forces them to stay in close proximity to each other. [...]

6. To What We Owe Our Miseries by @writandromance [?, 100k]

►A rare Daily Prophet honour, bestowed upon both Harry and Ginny, disturbs the dependable routine of their lives between league competitions. [...] The arrival of Blaise Zabini, a fellow honouree, catches Ginny’s attention when no one else can. Harry’s thrilled for her, but the matchmaking would be much more painless if he didn’t have to endure the constant presence of Blaise’s companion, the inexpressive, pejorative Draco Malfoy.

7. Reasons to Trust by @alcohen [M, 89k]

►Of all the possible ways to redeem himself in his own eyes, Draco Malfoy chose to become a therapist. Rebuilding one’s self-esteem isn’t an easy thing, though, and the real turning point comes when he runs into Harry at a gay bar, and, to Draco’s surprise, he doesn’t seem to hate him anymore. /// This is a story about finding acceptance, gaining and then losing trust, and ultimately choosing to rebuild it from the ashes.

8. Enduring by @mykkitno [E, 88k]

►During Yule of Harry’s fifth year, he finds something in the Chamber of Secrets that answers questions he hadn’t realized he had, but he keeps the knowledge hidden until he can’t anymore. Resorting to Dark Magic isn’t something he thought he’d do, but the changes it wrought aren’t ones he regrets because the alternative would have made things worse.

9. Nightmare by chrysaetius [T, 82k]

►After the war, some of the students have returned to Hogwarts for the 8th year. Students who had their own common rooms and dormitories have been coupled as roommates due to McGonagall's excuse of 'uniting the houses'. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy have started sharing a room. They try to ignore each other despite the mutual hatred. Harry has nightmares at night and he's not able to move past them. One of these nights, Draco decides he's had enough and tries to wake Harry. However, he suddenly finds himself in Harry's dream. Or rather, his nightmare.

10. Narcissa Malfoy, Fairy Godmother by @duchessdulce [T, 81k]

►Narcissa was a pureblood supremacist. Narcissa had a Muggle friend. These things were both true. /// Also: It’s fifth year for Harry Potter, and Malfoy’s eleven-year-old cousin has just started at Hogwarts. When Harry begins to suspect that the girl is actually Muggleborn, he can’t rest until he finds out what Malfoy is really up to.

※ HONOURABLE MENTIONS :

11. The Truest Lie by Zoythren [M, 43k]

►Harry knows something is wrong with Malfoy and he intends to find out what. He expects it to be a Dark Mark on his arm, and a horrible task. What he doesn't expect is finding a Draco Malfoy that is almost impossible to stay away from. What he doesn't expect to find his for his school rival to show him all the truths no one else dares to say out loud. What he doesn't expect to find ... is everything.

—

※ Word count: 1k ~ 15k

※ Word count: 15k ~ 40k

Ballad of the Mantis by @tessacrowley [E, 27k]

The Dangers of a Muggle Flat by Justlikewriting [M, 21k]

Eternal Reunion by Splashstorm [E, 38k]

Think of Home by SpicyNoodleJun [G, 36k]

i was having visions of sugared pastry (cooked up in clarified butter) by infectiousdisease, solifuge [M, 33k]

Protego Fragor by nutmeg223344 [G, 22k]

Sweet Lies by L_hyuga [E, 17k]

your braids like a pattern by @hoko-onchi-writes [E, 31k]

—

Ongoing Fest/Exchange

※ Fics would be listed elsewhere.

Buddy Fic Challenge (1)

HD Mpreg 2024 | @harrydracompreg

HP Daddy Knows Best 2024 | @hpdaddyknowsbest (1)

HP Trans Fest 2024 | @hptransfest (1)

Hurt Comfort Exchange 2024 (1)

Lights Camera Drarry 2024 | @lcdrarry

Severitus Big Bang 2024 | @severitus-big-bang (1)

Siriusly Hozier Fest | @imsiriuslyreading (1)

[sitp-recs]

Hello! I saw your last rec for Draco being whipped for Harry. Would you have any recs for the reverse situation? Harry being absolutely smitten for Draco. I love when it's mostly from Harry POV and Draco is driving him mad. Does anything come to mind? Thank you for your lovely recs and your presence in the fandom, it's a blessing! 💜

Yes of course! I feel like I did quite a few lists for pining Harry so this one will focus on smitten Harry told from his own pov. I tried to mix old favorites with fics I don’t see recced often. I’d highly recommend checking @tackytigerfic, @bixgirl1 and ignatiustrout as they all explore this trope so beautifully!

Take A Stab At It by @sorrybutblog (E, 3k)

It’s a bit pathetic, Harry knows, to have a hard-on for the guy who bullied you in school. Kind of cliché to look back on years of obsession and hatred and think, Oh.

Hourglass Heart by bixgirl1 (E, 5k)

It only happened once — depending on how Harry counted.

Blue Sky Is Living Here Today by ignatiustrout (G, 5k)

Draco's a father, Harry's in love with him, and it's really hard to take things slow.

The Things They Never Say by bixgirl1 (E, 9k)

Harry and Draco don't know how to talk. So they do other things instead.

Sex Ed for Aurors by curiouslyfic (M, 9k)

Some things, you need to learn on the job.

i wake up falling, orphaned (M, 9k)

Draco’s always leaving, one way or another. Harry’s usually 240 thousand miles too late.

Poppiholla by @moonflower-rose (M, 12k)

Harry had accepted that he would pine silently for Malfoy forever, but one, humid summer might change that.

Take the Moon by tackytiger (M, 15k)

Harry Potter has always wanted a family of his own, and when a deadly blood curse forces him into a marriage bond with his best friend Draco Malfoy, it looks like he might just have found one. It's just a shame they’d always planned to break up after a year…

White as Snow by bixgirl1 (E, 19k)

After a quick escape from danger, Harry and Draco find themselves trapped in a blizzard, a small cabin their only refuge from the storm. It's the perfect place to recover and regroup — and to have a long-overdue conversation or two.

We Might Be Too Old for a Bildungsroman by @wellhalesbells (T, 21k)

Harry finds something he’s been looking for since the war’s end. Admittedly, the packaging’s a bit odder than he expected.

With Great Yawns and Stretchings by sugar_screw (T, 22k)

The coffee is very good. Really. And the cats are so cute. That's why Harry goes so often.

On Your Shore by @xanthippe74 (M, 35k)

Clearing out a remote house full of cursed collectibles in the Outer Hebrides? Not a problem for an experienced curse breaker like Harry Potter. Spending a week with the straight, happily-married man that he’s starting to have feelings for? And sharing a bed with him at night? Surely Harry can handle that, too.

LA, Who Am I To Love You? by @epitomereally (E, 42k)

Harry’s summer in LA is not going as expected. Pansy Parkinson keeps inviting him to parties in the Hollywood Hills and harassing him to finally go to the physical therapist, Blaise Zabini keeps slipping new strains of his company’s magical weed into Harry’s pockets in hopes of an endorsement, and Draco Malfoy keeps having sex with everyone but Harry.

Here's The Pencil, Make It Work by ignatiustrout (M, 49k)

Harry thinks "Why is Malfoy working in a coffee shop in muggle London?" is a much simpler question than, "Are you going to accept that auror offer and, if you don't, what will you do?"

Modern Love by tackytiger (E, 61k)

Harry Potter, of all people, knows that life isn’t always fair. And no one gets to be happy all of the time. But surely there’s something more—something better—than a rubbish Ministry job, and a lonely old house, and that feeling that everyone out there is doing a better job of living than Harry is.

Azoth by @lol-zeitgeistic (E, 88k)

Now that Harry is back at Hogwarts with Hermione for eighth year, he realises that something’s missing from his life, and it either has to do with Ron, his boggart, Snape, or Malfoy. Furthermore, what, exactly, does it mean when one’s life is defined by the desire to simultaneously impress and annoy a portrait?

What We Pretend We Can't See by gyzym (M, 131k)

Seven years out from the war, Harry learns the hard truth of old history: it’s never quite as far behind you as you thought.

Can't Sit Still by wilteddaisy (E, 193k)

Five years after the war, Harry finds himself drawn to Draco Malfoy by memories that aren't his own.

[sentinel04]

Harry from

sandpaper kisses, paper cut bliss by xodahafez

This fic is doing things to me I cannot even admit to my therapist