#therapist harry fic

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Wonderful World - Part 1

Hello friends, part 1 is here! This one is long, but it is setting the scene to show where each character is at as this story begins. I really hope you guys like it! And again, it's just starting to be developed so if there is anything that you'd like to see happen in the story please let me know, I'd love to hear your feedback and suggestions!

Learn more about the premise of the story, see main (original) character mood boards, and character casting HERE

Warnings: Brief mentions of suicide and depression

WC: 11.3k

“Alright, alright! Listen up!” Diana’s voice carried above the rest of the voices as her class continued chattering as the class period came to an end, “Before you go, I know it’s only our second week back, but I will remind you of the paper you have due in 2 weeks!” She called over the commotion, “Dos paginas, completamente en Español, sobre sus carreras y las metas que tienen para el futuro!” Diana reminded the students in her intermediate level Spanish class and a few of her students nodded while a few others looked on perplexed, “If you need to hear that in English you can find the information on your syllabus!” She smiled as they started filtering out. She rounded the podium at the front of the classroom and started packing up her things.

“Profesora Beltran?” She heard and glanced up to see one of her students approaching. She taught Spanish to college students and was proud to be one of the more popular professors of the World Languages department.

“Yes, Maddie?” She asked as she shifted her focus to the young girl before her.

“Ummm, I am still undecided in my major, so I’m not sure what my goals for the future are. I was wondering if you would allow me to write my paper on something else?” She asked nervously and Diana’s expression shifted into one of compassion and understanding as she removed her glasses.

“Oh, certainly Maddie. You can write about a profession that interests you or a career you’d like to have?” She suggested and Maddie smiled timidly.

“Ummm, I actually run a small candle making business, I mostly sell on Etsy and I want to do that full-time, but my parents are a bit opposed to that. They don’t see much of a future there, is that something I could write about?” She inquired and Diana smiled.

“I love candles! I think if you’re passionate about that then you should have plenty to say about that.” She decided and Maddie smiled brightly upon hearing this.

“Oh wow, thank you Professor.” 

“Of course.” Diana smiled and soon the girl was heading off.

Despite her win with one of her students right now, Diana wasn’t feeling too great, she was actually feeling extremely anxious today. More than she had in a long while because she would be taking her daughter, Celeste to a therapist for the first time in her life and these were the thoughts plaguing her mind as she made her way through the building and to her office.

Celeste, was her 14 year old daughter and she had been displaying symptoms of depression for a while and despite Diana’s efforts to try and talk to her about it she was consistently met with a huff or an eye roll, which were not surprising responses from a teen girl. But it was just the day before school was back in session that Celeste came up to her in tears and told her that maybe she was a bit depressed. She was 14, a freshman in high school, there were new pressures, academically and socially, and Diana explained to her tearful daughter that depression wasn’t uncommon in her age group and that it was something very treatable and with the right help she could be back to her old self in no time.

It was concerning to Diana when Celeste expressed her apprehension with seeing the school counselor. She said that she was really overworked and that when she first reached out for help in November she was assessed for suicide and upon determining that she was low risk, she was given a pamphlet with coping strategies as appointments were not available until they returned from school after Christmas break. So Diana did what any parent would do and researched for therapists in her area that were accepting clients. It was rather hopeless and eventually she resorted to checking Psychology Today, where she knew she might find options of newer clinicians who were building their clientele and would have time for their patients. She eventually did find one who had a relatively new practice, his name was Dr. Harry Styles, his website was really nice and easy to navigate, and the information provided there made her feel confident in him and so she made an appointment. It was only an intake, if the vibe wasn’t right she could continue looking, but she just wanted Celeste to get help sooner rather than later and well, today was the day.

She checked the time on her phone and saw it was already 2:30pm so she pulled up the intake forms that he had sent and got to filling them out. Celeste had already filled out an electronic questionnaire outlining her symptoms and Diana was just filling out the information about insurance and parental consent to treatment. Soon she was printing the forms out and locking up her office to pick up Celeste from school. 

Celeste was also really nervous for her appointment, which was completely understandable, but Diana talked her down and assured her that the first appointment was just going through the forms that had been filled out and feeling out the vibe with the therapist. Diana assured her that if she didn’t like the therapist that they could keep looking and that seemed to ease some of her daughter’s nerves. After a ten minute drive they were pulling up to an older apartment building and parking out on the street. They made their way inside slowly and right at the bottom floor they saw a directory and he was on floor 5, room A & B, so they rode up to the fifth floor and upon the doors sliding open it was evident that this apartment building had been modified into office spaces. There was a plastic plaque reading Harry Styles, MD beside the frosted glass door with a 5A painted onto the center of the glass. They headed inside and were met with an empty reception desk, but there was a sign on it reading “In Session, I’ll be with you shortly”, so they sat on the couch there and Diana looked around as Celeste pulled out her phone. It was home-y, the color palette was neutral, but not in the way that made you feel like you were in a model home or something of that natural. The couches they were on were evidently new, but the furniture looked loved-on, there were magazines and coloring books for kids and adults on the table before them, and the wall art was minimalistic with positive messages and bursts of color that drew her eye. It couldn’t have been more than five minutes before they heard some movement on the other side of the reception area and then another door close and moments later the door across the room opened up to reveal a tall and very handsome man. Upon seeing her and Celeste he smiled and stepped out to the reception area.

“Hello, you must be my 3:30, Celeste right?” He asked. He had an accent and his voice was deep, but calming - not daunting in any manner.

“Hi yeah, that’s me.” Celeste said standing and offering him reluctant smile.

“Nice to meet you, Celeste. I’m Harry.” He said coming over and extending his hand to her and she shook it politely as Diana stood as well and their eyes met and Harry’s pupils immediately grew in size at the woman before him. She was definitely shorter than him, but she looked really professional and put together, so he assumed she might be Celeste’s mother, but how? She looked young enough to be a sister, “You must be her…?” He asked Diana instead of just assuming her relation.

“I’m her mom, Diana Beltran.” Diana introduced herself, extending her hand to meet his, his beautiful eyes met her own as they greeted each other and she felt that his eyes were just burning into her soul; it almost felt like time stopped for the moment they greeted each other.

“Wonderful, nice to meet you as well.” Harry greeted with a warm smile. As soon as their hands broke contact he clasped them together in front of his chest, “Have you been waiting long?” He asked and she shook her head.

“Hardly, just a few minutes.” She assured.

“Perfect.” He smiled at her and then Celeste, “I know you filled out the online questionnaire, were you able to complete the other intake forms?” He asked them.

“Yes, here they are.” Diana cut in and reached into her tote to pull out a folder and handed them to him. 

“Excellent.” He smiled, “If you’re ready Celeste, we can head back now.” He said and she looked to her mom for a moment.

“It’s alright.” Diana assured softly, “I’ve got your things.” She said extending her hand and Celeste gave her mom her phone before following Harry back into the main space and then the door shut. Now that she was out of sight, Diana felt even more stressed and she just hoped that this guy made an attempt to make Celeste feel heard and comfortable.

************

Harry tried to reflect as much calm as possible because he could feel the apprehension and anxiety emanating from his new, young potential client. She took a seat on the couch in the position furthest away from his seat as possible, which was typical of most first timers. He let her know he was just going to check the forms out and she could look around and then proceeded to open up the folder that her mother had so kindly put together with the intake forms and he paged through them.

Celeste liked his office, it was cozy and his rug was cool. She then noticed a record player on the sideboard against the wall and she wanted to look at it more closely. As her eyes traveled down she noticed that one of the panels was open and that there were actually records in there and she was curious about what he had in his collection.

“Ummm, Dr. Styles, can I look at the records?” She asked nervously and he looked up from the form he was reading over, with a friendly smile.

“Certainly!” He encouraged her and she slowly got up and went over to look at the records inside of the cabinet. She smiled as she recognized a handful of them as she flicked through them. He also had some candle going on another little table by the window that reminded her of her mom’s bedroom, it was maybe the same one. When she spared him a glance she saw that he was still looking through the forms her mom had brought and she bit her lip nervously when they made eye contact.

“Y-your office is nice.” She said as she made her way back to the couch and he smiled.

“Thank you.” He expressed his gratitude at her compliment.

“I especially like your rug, it’s really cool.”

“Yeah? It’s my favorite thing in here actually.” He said excitedly and she smiled nervously, “Did you see any music you liked?” He asked and she nodded.

“Obviously the Beatles and some Elvis.” She said and he smiled, “And your Wings ones, Paul is my favorite Beatle.” She explained.

“Get out of town, mine too!” He grinned and she smiled wider, she was still looking really nervous, “So apart from having sick taste in music, what are other things that you enjoy?” He asked and she started to talk a little bit more about her interests. Harry learned that she played guitar and that her favorite classes in school were Human Biology and choir, and that she was considering joining the drama club, and a few other surface level facts. She seemed a little hesitant to talk about herself though, almost as if she was concerned that she would say something wrong.

“You know, it’s my job to listen to you, no matter what you want to talk about and I won’t judge you, so if anything comes to mind you can just say it.” He assured and she exhaled and nodded, “Is this your first time trying therapy?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yeah.” She then responded verbally, “I’m kinda nervous, I guess, sorry.”

“It’s normal for you to feel nervous when you’re doing something brand new.” He assured her, “What about it makes you feel nervous?” He asked and she sighed and looked down at her fingers that were twisting together in her lap.

“Just…I don’t know…I mean first of all you’re a stranger.” She said and he hummed.

“True.” He said and she shrugged before proceeding.

“And I guess I’m nervous that it won’t work on me?” She said in a questioning tone as their eyes met again and he bit his lip as he listened to her express her concerns over treatment and what had happened with the counselor at her school and it was honestly very disappointing to hear her experience.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you. I understand why you’re so hesitant about this, but let me let you in on something. Whether this works or not is totally up us being a team. It’s my job to listen, guide you, and give you tools to help you get better and it’s your job to try and use the tools I give you as recommended. The only way it won’t work is if one of us is not doing our part, and I promise you that if you decide to stick with me I will always do my part.” He said with certainty and a friendly smile and she nodded, “Of course, sometimes just talk therapy isn’t sufficient or isn’t working as quickly as we’d like and if that’s the case we can talk about medication to help. So if you really feel it’s not helping you can tell me so that I can make sure that I am doing everything I can do to get you back on your feet.” He explained and she nodded along again

“Well, I hope this works.” She said and he chuckled.

“I promise you I will do my absolute best.” He reassured her and she smiled and with that he started to get into the session. He started to explain to her the confidentiality clause and what kinds of things are excluded from that, he went over his role and responsibilities as the clinician, and then they started going over the questionnaire she had filled out, and what she wanted to get out of therapy. As Harry listened on he jotted down a couple things that stood out and his own questions that he wanted to ask and the longer she spoke the more it was evident that she was experiencing some depression. As she finished recounting her side of things he took over explaining what he thought would be the best treatment plan for her and how he wanted to approach her situation.

Celeste liked the way he talked to her and how he expressed himself very clearly. When he answered her or asked her a question she could tell he had listened to everything she had said and was so patient. The things she felt were confusing sometimes and he didn’t push her when she would answer with an “I don’t know”. He was just so nice that she felt comfortable with him quite quickly, a lot of the stuff she had told him about what was happening at school, she hadn’t even told her mom and that was new for her because they were quite open with each other. But once they wrapped up she felt really good and she had decided that she wanted to give him a chance.

“So in terms of scheduling, we need to work that out with your mom right?” He asked and she nodded, “OK, perfect. I’m going to have her switch with you in just a moment, but just so we’re clear, like I said at the start, anything we talk about in session just stays between us. I’m just going to go over some of the formalities with her and answer any general questions she might have for me. But if you would like me to be able to share your progress or any information about our sessions with your mom then you can always sign a release, but only if you really want to.” He offered.

“Thank you, I’ll give it some thought. And ummm, do I call you doctor or?” She asked and he chuckled.

“I prefer my name, Harry, but if Dr. Harry or Dr. Styles is more comfortable for you then that’s OK with me too.” He assured with a kind smile and she nodded and they both stood and headed to the door.

*************

As soon as the office door opened up Diana flew up from her seat and locked her phone. She saw Celeste come out and then Dr. Styles emerged with a small smile and that made her feel more at ease.

“Mom, he needs to talk with you now.” Celeste informed and Diana nodded.

“OK. I’ll be just a few minutes.” Diana said and reached for her bag before she followed him back to his main consultation room. She had a look around when she walked in and when she went to sit, she sat on the side of the couch nearest to his chair as Harry went to grab his laptop before settling into his seat.

“Is she alright?” Diana asked and he smiled.

“Yeah, she’s good. She did great, by the way.” He reassured her.

“That’s good to hear. I don’t know if she mentioned to you what the school counselor said to her?” Diana asked with a frown.

“Yes, she did. That must be extremely concerning to learn as a parent.” He acknowledged and she nodded, “And I can assure you, that will not be the case here.”

“I would hope not.” She said with a slight chuckle, “I have been to therapy myself and I had such a great experience, I just want to make sure it’s the same for her and that we find the best fit for her and that she won’t be pushed to the side until she’s in distress.” Diana explained and he nodded in understanding, “About how many clients do you have in total?”

“I have 35 total right now.” He said, “Of those 35 I’m seeing 10 on a weekly basis, 15 on a biweekly basis, and the other 10 on a monthly basis or as needed as they have already completed their treatment or just need their medication dosages adjusted.” He explained and she nodded.

“Oh, OK that’s pretty good.” He smiled and nodded, “And you specialize in CBT.”

“Yes, but I do have a more Humanistic approach which is derived from-”

“Dr. Carl Rogers.” She cut in and Harry smiled and nodded.

“Precisely.” He grinned, “And I will assume you know what his approach is about?”

“Yeah. I don’t mean to be a know it all, after I was in therapy I got really into learning more about it and did a minor in clinical psychology in my undergrad.” She explained and he hummed.

“Oh, no worries! It’s good that you know though. Especially with the younger patients, it’s good to see when the parents are invested. Celeste seemed to really understand the process today, which I’d like to think I’m thorough, but I’d assume you walked her through it before.” He said with a smile.

“Yeah, she was so nervous, I gave her a little run down on the way here.” Diana explained with a smile.

“Well, it worked! She opened right up once we got past the daunting stuff.” Harry assured her.

“Oh wow, that’s typically hard for her. You must be good.” She said and he chuckled.

“I think we just have the same taste in rugs and music.” He joked and she laughed a bit before looking back into his eyes.

“So in terms of your assessment, what do you have in mind for a treatment plan?” She asked.

“Well, starting out I would like to see her once a week, treatment is typically 8 to 10 weeks give or take, just depends on her progress.” He explained to Diana who nodded.

“OK, that sounds reasonable. In terms of charge, what is your rate?”

“I’m charging $125 a session. I do offer a special for new clients, if you commit to three sessions I use your intake fee towards the third session.” He explained.

“Oh, why three appointments?” She asked with a curious smile and he chuckled.

“In my experience it’s enough to have a somewhat comprehensive diagnosis at that point. And also by that point people will have hopefully learned some basic tools to use in the future. Also, that’s the point where you start to get annoyed with your therapist so a lot of people flake out for a while. And well for the people that just come in trying to get prescribed meds I mean, that’s a lot of work to go through and so they’ll just fall off the face of the earth.” He said with a grin.

“Oh, I see. That’s smart! Is that something that happens a lot?”

“It has happened to me a few times here, the university is nearby so a lot of self-diagnosed ADHD or OCD people.” He said and she grinned.

“Ah, TikTok fallacies.” She hummed and he nodded.

“Exactly! A lot of them don’t like to hear that they’re perfectly normal with a few quirks.” He explained.

“Geez…I don’t think I ever considered how challenging this job must be.” She said and he chuckled.

“There’s more good days than those kinds of days.” He assured her.

“Well, it’s good to hear that from you.” Diana said and he smiled, “Sorry, back to the topic at hand, how much is it for today’s session and do you accept insurance at all?” She asked.

“Not yet, unfortunately. I’ve submitted several applications to be a network provider but it’s been a nightmare.” He explained with a small frown, “But it’s $100 even.” He said.

“I can imagine the circles they must walk you in.” She sighed through a dry laugh and he nodded.

“You would not believe.” He joked back and she shook her head as she dug through her tote bag for her wallet and pulled out a crisp $100 bill and handed it to him.

“I promise it’s real.” She joked and he laughed.

“Well now I feel like I need to check.” He joked back but headed to his desk and pulled out a little iPad where he started inputting that to give her a receipt. She continued looking around his office, recognizing the scent of the candle burning by a little table he had near the window. Soon he was back before her with a receipt in hand and she took it and started to put it in her bag.

“Well, Dr. Styles-”

“Harry is fine.” He cut in and she nodded.

“OK, well Harry, it was lovely to meet you and I will have a chat with Celeste, see what she thinks and ummm, in any event I’ll be in touch.” She said and he nodded.

“I appreciate that. It’s good to know when people decide to go in a different direction, otherwise I’m left wondering.” He explained and she nodded.

“It’s just professional courtesy, in my opinion.” She shrugged as she fished her keys out of her purse and he saw her university ID on the lanyard.

“Oh, you work at the university?” He asked in slight surprise and she glanced over to him as they approached the door.

“Yeah, I’m the newest faculty member in the World Languages department.” She disclosed.

“Oh, that’s neat. I actually just got hired as an adjunct professor for the department of Mental Health & Behavioral Intervention.” He said with a bright smile.

“Oh congrats! What’re you teaching?”

“It’s a graduate course on Tele-health. After the pandemic it’s important to be able to translate our skills through virtual sessions and a lot of people are having trouble with that. It’s a new class. I teach it twice a week.” He explained and she hummed in interest.

“That sounds really cool.”

“Yeah, thanks. Well, I don’t want to detain you any longer, but it was a pleasure to meet you both.” He said as he opened up his office door and led them through towards the reception area.

“Likewise. Thank you so much for your time.” Diana said turning back to him once more.

“Of course. And Celeste, chin up.” He encouraged her with a smile and she nodded, offering back a smile and soon they were riding back down the elevator in silence. They settled into the car and Diana glanced to Celeste.

“What did you think of Dr. Styles?” She asked and Celeste smiled.

“I like him. He was easy to talk to and he’s really nice. I want to try another session.” She said and Diana smiled.

“OK, sweetie. I liked him too, he’s very sweet.” Diana agreed. 

In a few minutes they were taking off and Diana was driving them to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner. She couldn’t stop thinking about how there was an air of familiarity with this Dr. Styles. If his session with Celeste went anything like their conversation went, she was very happy with the type of help he could provide her. She liked that he still remained professional without making it feel too formal or rigid, there was flow and it was noticeable that he really enjoyed his job.

************

Harry sighed contently as he bid farewell to his final client of the evening and locked up the exit door in his office. He then went to the reception area and also latched that door shut and switched off the lights before heading back to his office. He plopped down into the chair behind his desk with his note pad and opened up his laptop to start typing out his session notes from that day to put in the patients’ electronic files. He then got to Celeste’s notes and started to create a new file for her in his system. He needed to scan in all her paperwork and session notes. Just as he was about to start scanning his phone rang and he saw it was his girlfriend, Rebecca, and he smiled and picked up.

“Hey, love.” He greeted her with warmth.

“Hey, babe!” She responded cheerfully, “How was your day today?” She asked.

“It wasn’t all that busy, but I might have a new client on my roster, things went well so I’m hoping to hear back soon.” He said.

“Aw that’s great! I’m happy for you, H.” She hummed.

“Thanks, love. What’s up?” 

“Well I was calling because I was wondering if you’d be able to join me for something tonight? I know it’s super last minute, but a colleague of mine is friends with the mayor’s wife and she knows about my aspirations in city government and she thought she might introduce us. It’s just a little fundraiser for a clinic on wheels, cocktail attire is what she said.” Rebecca explained and Harry nibbled on his lip pensively.

“Mmmm, I have to prepare for lecture tomorrow…what time is it at?”

“It’s now. But they she said it’s over at 10pm. My colleague, Joanne, is gonna be there until about 9:30, but she said to come earlier rather than later as Mayor Singh might not be there until that late.” She explained and Harry nodded as he pulled up his calendar for the following day and saw he didn’t have many client’s scheduled the next morning.

“Ummm, yeah I can make it. Tomorrow is pretty slow, I can work on my lecture then. I just need to finish all my client notes right now.” He informed.

“OK, thank you so much, babe! Is half an hour enough time? I can pick you up? I’m just changing and touching up now.”

“Yeah, that’s plenty of time. I’ll see you in a bit. Love you.”

“Love you too, bye.”Rebecca said before hanging up. He let out a deep exhale before rolling his shoulders back and standing to get the scanner on and finish up Celeste’s file.

Harry and Rebecca had been dating for almost two years. When they met, he was on his least couple months of his residency and she was fresh out of law school and working on the legal team for the community mental health center he would do some of his hours at. Every year they did a mandatory training on the procedures in the case of a malpractice suit or of a subpoena. Since they were a community clinic a lot of people that came through were court mandated clients and it wasn’t out of the norm for the court to subpoena the doctors, therapists, or social workers working with that particular client - it was fairly routine. Either way, that is how their paths crossed and she was actually the one who approached him shortly after their first meeting. Rebecca was bold and had big ambitions, this wasn’t something Harry could see himself being entangled with in the long run, but when they started to date she started to slow down and he figured that maybe her goals were changing a bit.

Because Harry was fresh out of med school and had a little more time on his hands, he was eager to jump into anything that wasn’t school related and when Rebecca asked him out he said yes. Rebecca was smart, gorgeous, and very pleasant, what wasn’t to like. He doesn’t think either of them were looking for a serious relationship when they first started out, but all on its own it kind of became serious. Something that worked well for them was that they both were kind of workaholics, they were both ambitious and out their professions first and they both liked that they were of the same mentality because it helped them not to feel so strapped down. He was always more of a loner and he enjoyed his space and she was very much that same way and so things worked and they didn’t mess with it and here they were today. 

Sometimes Harry did wonder if their relationship was normal; what they had was working for them, but in a way there was kind of a distance between them and many of their friends didn’t really get that. He recalls that at one point his best friend, Henry, once said that it seemed that the relationship was just convenient for them and while he took offense and disagreed immediately, Rebecca responded first and asked Henry if it was wrong that a relationship be convenient? And well, after a big fight about that Harry and Rebecca cleared up that it was OK that they were progressing slower than other couples because they had a lot going on personally and that if it worked for them then there was nothing they needed to justify to others. What did worry Harry was that every aspect of life felt like a routine and he knew that while consistency is great, routine could also be damaging to relationships and Harry didn’t want that for them. He did love Rebecca and often worried that the routine they’d been in this entire time would lead to their slow, but certain demise.

The time passed him by quickly between doing his notes and his thoughts and before he even realized it his phone was ringing again with her name lighting up the screen. This meant that she was downstairs, so he quickly shut everything down and he slipped his laptop it into his lockable drawer and rushed out. He popped a piece of gum in his mouth as he rode down the elevator and as soon as he stepped out of the building he waved as he approached the car and then slipped into the passenger seat.

“Hi love. You look nice.” He hummed as he leaned over and kissed her cheek quickly.

“H, I just did my make up…” she sighed as she flipped down the visor to check her make up in the mirror.

“M’sorry.” He said as he switched on the overhead light so that she could see if anything was out of place, “I don’t see any damage.” He assured and she glanced to him and rolled her eyes before leaning over and puckering her lips out and he chuckled as he kissed her quickly on the lips.

“You’re lucky there’s no damage.” She said as she settled back into her spot, “You’ve got lipstick on your lips now though.” She grinned and he huffed and rubbed over them with his palm as he took off. The drive wasn’t all that long and the event seemed to be pretty packed when they arrived. She did a loop around the block and found no parking so they circled around again to the entrance.

“We’re just gonna have to do valet. S’cash only, though. Do you have cash?” Harry asked and she sighed.

“I don’t have cash do you?” She huffed.

“No, sorry.” He sighed, the only cash he had received was Mrs. Beltran’s payment earlier and that was back at the office.

“Fuck, I don’t want to miss the mayor.” She groaned and Harry nibbled on his lip.

“I can find somewhere to park, you go on. I’ll meet you inside, yeah?”

“Are you sure?” Rebecca asked and he was about to respond, but he jumped when he heard some knocks on the window.

“You can’t stop here unless you’re going to park valet!” The man shouted through the glass and Rebecca rolled her eyes.

“Yes, yes! I’m getting off!” She called back in an aggravated tone and Harry chuckled. Rebecca had a rather short fuse, he got it, he did too, and while he was now used to it, it wasn’t something that made her very likable to people who only experienced that part of her. Harry hurried out of the car to get to the driver’s side.

“Sorry, mate. I’m just dropping her off.” He said and the guy just nodded and she rushed past them and towards the entrance as Harry settled into the driver’s seat and took off down the street. He was able to find a parking spot a few streets down in a residential area, luckily no permits were needed and as he locked up the car he opened up his phone to let Rebecca know he was on his way over and he saw a text from her.

Becs:

Hey H, it’s invitation only! Text me when you’re up front!

Harry sighed as he started the walk over and as soon as he got there he texted her letting her know that he was outside and then five minutes passed…then fifteen…he even showed the guy with the list the text and he said he needed her to verify that he was her plus one, even if it were via text. He tried calling and she still didn’t answer and so now he was grumpy and hungry and decided to just go back to the car and pick up something to eat until she decided to check her bloody phone. Unfortunately, he had left his wallet in the office as he left in a rush and all he had was $5 on his apple pay from god knows how long ago and he was able to score himself a burrito which he ate in the car. It had been nearly an hour before Rebecca called him to come up front and so once again, he made the walk over and she was waiting at the steps of the venue.

“I’m so sorry, babe! Joanne was chatting with the mayor and his wife right when I got there and we were able to talk for a while and I couldn’t pull out my phone!” She explained as they made their way inside and despite his irritation he just nodded.

“It’s OK, things happen.” He assured her, “What were you able to talk to him about?” He asked curiously.

“Oh, just some ideas I have when I run for office as a council member.” She said vaguely because she knew that he had no real interest in that and he hummed as they made their way further in. He was able to meet Joanne and her wife, Michelle, they were sweet and nice to talk to and it was around half an hour later when they decided to go out for some drinks and dinner. Harry was still in a sour mood from his multiple walks to and from he car and he had already eaten. Joanne was nice enough to drop them off at their car and Rebecca agreed to meet them at some restaurant before getting out.

“Babe, can you just drop me off at my car? I ate while waiting for you and I’m just not feeling up to staying out tonight. It’s already 9:30.” He said and she sighed as he unlocked the car.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” She said as she opened up her door and then groaned, “H, my car smells like Mexican food.” She whined.

“I’m sorry, love. I was super hungry and there was no garbage can and I wasn’t gonna leave it on the street. I’m sorry.” He said again and she just sighed as she turned on the engine and rolled down the windows.

“It’s fine.” She huffed as she started texting on her phone for a moment before they took off again. The drive back was a bit tense though, despite that when she dropped him off at his office building she kissed his lips quickly and bid him a good night before taking off. Harry was left to wander back upstairs and grab his wallet before he left for the night.

This was why he wondered if their relationship was normal. As a mental health professional, he knew that all relationships looked and functioned differently, but he didn’t feel awful about things with Rebecca. Just now, he was irritated with her and she with him and they just got over it, it wasn’t anything serious that they were irked about, so it didn’t warrant a long conversation, they just needed to grow up and get over it, like they had. And it wasn’t always this way, they hardly ever argued and they did love each other. But sometimes when things like this would happen he wondered whether they were truly just with each other because it was convenient, like Henry had said, and they had both settled for each other because they got on so well and were like-minded. He knew he wanted more of a relationship but he didn’t know if his relationship with Rebecca was capable of that, they hadn’t really talked about it properly. He didn’t feel like it was sometimes and it worried him that he was just wasting her time and his time.

*********

Diana knew it was late, but over dinner she had a lengthy conversation with Celeste about how serious she was in continuing to see Dr. Styles as her therapist and she was very serious about it. She said she felt really comfortable around him because the way he talked to her was similar to her uncle Damian, Diana’s brother. He lived in Mexico, but they visited each other regularly and since Celeste didn’t really grow up with a father figure he was someone that she looked up to a lot. Either way, this prompted her to call his office and she would leave a message about wanting to schedule another appointment. She wasn’t sure why she was so nervous leaving the message, maybe it was how soothing his voice sounded in the greeting, despite him saying that if it was an emergency whoever called should dial 911 - it was the delivery of it that made her feel a little out of sorts.

“Hi Dr. Styles, or ummm Harry, you had said to call you that. I’m sorry it’s late.” She said and then shook her head as she thought to herself ‘that’s the point of voicemails, idiot’, “Anyway, I just wanted to give you some of the times that would work best for Celeste to start treatment. So, Mondays work, but 6pm would be better as my office hours end at 5:30pm. Or Tuesdays and Thursdays also work anywhere from 5 to 7pm, and Fridays after 3pm as well. Just ummm, yeah let me know what works best for you. If none of these work out just let me know and we can figure something out, you can also email me as I’ll be teaching tomorrow and that may be easier for me to check. Thank you for your time today, I appreciated it, have a good night.” She said and pulled the phone away about to hang up and then realized that she hadn’t even said who she was, “Oh, ummm this is Diana Beltran, by the way! Sorry, I forgot to-”

“Your message has been recorded-” the machine cut her off and she groaned, “to play it back press 1, to re-record press 2, to delete your message press 3. If you are finished you may-”

“Ughhh…” she groaned in irritation and hung up, cutting off the monotonous voice from continuing to speak. She wasn’t about to do that again, so she just set her phone down and continued packing up their left over chicken and rice for their lunch the next day.

************

Fresh out of the shower, Harry got in a t-shirt and sweats quickly before hopping into bed. He lived two blocks away from the university campus, so the house he lived in was originally old and small, but with gentrification and all it looked a lot more modern now and the property had been reconfigured to give optimal space, it was rather nice. It had a lot of character, is what he would tell people. Over the pandemic he renovated the bathrooms and re-invigorated the original wood flooring of the home and even now, he continued with his project on updating things just a bit during his free time. Either way, he was happy here and he found it easy to rest in his space. He reached for his phone to just kill some time before he drifted off to bed and as it lit up he saw that he had a voicemail forwarded from the office phone. He always checked just in case he needed to call 911 for a client or something. So he opened up his phone and immediately played the message and brought it up to his ear to listen…

“Hi Dr. Styles, or ummm Harry, you had said to call you that.” The gentle and soothing voice spoke and he immediately smiled as he pictured the person it belonged to, Diana. “I’m sorry it’s late. Anyway, I just wanted to give you some of the times that would work best for Celeste to start treatment. So, Mondays work, but 6pm would be better as my office hours end at 5:30pm. Thursdays also work anywhere from 5 to 7pm, and Fridays after 4:30pm as well. Just ummm, yeah let me know what works best for you. If none of these work out just let me know and we can figure something out, you can also email me as I’ll be teaching tomorrow and that may be easier for me to check. Thank you for your time today, I appreciated it, have a good night.” She finished and he heard a bit of shuffling for a few moments before he heard the last bit, “Oh, ummm this is Diana Beltran, by the way! Sorry, I forgot to-” it suddenly cut off and he chuckled to himself a bit. 

His office phone had a time limit on the messages and he had no idea how to fix that. He was tempted to get out of bed and grab his laptop to look at his calendar to figure out when he could schedule Celeste so that he could return her call first thing in the morning, but he needed to chill out. He wasn’t sure why he was so eager to figure this out for them. Actually he was…she was striking. Absolutely gorgeous. From the moment they met he was drawn to her just because of her looks. But more than that, she was so sweet and clearly smart, and she was amicable and so easygoing, it drew him in. Harry told himself that he was thinking of her because she had left a voicemail and obviously, she was now stuck in his head. And his mind kept bringing back one thought: Someone like her had to be taken. Just then, his phone buzzed in his hand and it was a text from Rebecca apologizing once again for getting upset at him for the food thing and telling him good night. He assured her it was alright and wished her a good night before deciding to just get to sleep. The last thing he needed was to be in shambles and exhausted for his class the following day and more than that, whatever curiosity Harry had towards Diana ended now. Yes, she was beautiful and she seemed like a nice and wonderful woman, but he would be seeing her daughter as his client and entertaining those ideas of her wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone.

*************

After Harry got far too excited over hearing Diana’s voice last night, even if it was over voicemail, he decided that he needed to set up a boundary before he got too invested in her or developed any type of crush on her, as he had decided the night before. Her daughter, Celeste, had chosen to continue seeing him as her therapist and the relationship with her was his priority now. After emailing Diana back about scheduling (instead of calling back), his day went by rather slow. Harry was dedicating a lot of his time to review his lecture material for his class that evening. His class was technically an elective, so he had students who were interested in or leaning towards only providing therapy online. His class was actually a good number, they capped them at 30 for the graduate students and he had 23, so it was good that this topic had cultivated interest. He did have to mentally prepare himself though to be as stoic and neutral as possible because some of the women in his class were not subtle at all. And even thought they were closer in age to him, he was still their professor and the last thing he wanted was to give anyone the wrong impression and get himself into trouble. He wasn’t cocky, but he knew he was a handsome man and he was really nice, so he just wanted to be sure no lines were ever blurred or that a misunderstanding was even remotely possible. That was honestly his biggest stressor; he had been a bit nervous about actually teaching the students and being able to convey information to them, but as soon as he started doing it he felt comfortable and he understood why so many people loved to contribute to the growth of their profession in this manner. 

************

On her busy days, which were Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Diana’s best friend, Grace, would be the one to get Celeste from school. Diana was lecturing non-stop on Tuesdays and only got an hour break before her final class of the day, which started at 6pm. So now, she was rushing down the street to her favorite cafe on campus, Café Flores. It was a little over a 5 minute walk from where she lectured on Tuesdays, but even if it were out of her way, she would always find an excuse to go. Since most students were at dinner, it was slow at the cafe at that time. She would always order the same thing, the guy at the register smiled when he saw her come in.

“Hey, professor.” He said as she walked up, smiling as well.

“Hi Nico, how’s it been?” She asked.

“It’s slowing down.” He said with a smile and she nodded, “What can I get started for you?” He asked.

“I’m gonna do the 20oz today, café con leche.”

“The usual.” He smiled.

“I sized up, OK?” She said and he chuckled.

“And half & half is OK?”

“Always.” She said and he grinned.

“Anything else?” He asked.

“I’m also going to get the avocado toast.”

“With everything?” He asked.

“Ummm, no crema and no onions.” She said and he recited her order before submitting it and taking her payment. The owners of this cafe were originally from Chiapas, Mexico - the opened this place up in the late seventies and as they grew older their children took it over and it’s such a wonderful atmosphere to be in; it reminded her of being back in Mexico. And this spot was so popular that when the neighboring business relocated they bought it as well and that’s more of the study lounge vibe students are looking for. They were just as, if not a little more popular than the Starbucks across campus. It was really amazing to her how well this business had evolved to continue being around for that long.

“Professor Beltran?” She heard kind of from a distance and as she zoned back in and looked away from the little card with the shop’s story she blinked a few times before turning to her left and looking up to see none other than Dr. Styles who was smiling down at her.

“Oh, hello!” She smiled bright and stood immediately, extending her hand to greet him, “What brings you here?” She asked.

“I teach tonight and ummm, the last two weeks I’ve seen most of my students with cups from here and I thought I should check it out.” He said and she nodded.

“It certainly beats Starbucks.” She said and he grinned.

“Oh, perfect.” He hummed and she nodded, “You teach today as well?”

“Yes, I’ve got three classes today.” She explained and he grimaced and she chuckled.

“I know.” She sighed, “But to be fair this last one is an elective on Latin American art & culture so I don’t do as much talking as I do visual aids.” She said and he chuckled.

“That’s good.”

“It it’s a three hour class though, so I am pretty pooped afterwards but you know about that with the graduate students.” She said and he nodded. She remembered. Harry thought to himself.

“Order for Diana!” The girl at the pick-up station called out.

“Excuse me for a second.” She said to Harry.

“Oh, you can go if you need to, no worries.” He assured.

“I was actually going to stay and eat here, I lecture in the building just around the corner and it starts until 6pm. You’re more than welcome to join me if you’d like.” She said and before he could overthink it he nodded.

“That’d be nice, I still don’t know too many people.” He explained and she nodded.

“Yeah, of course.” She assured and hurried off but came back quickly as Harry was settling into the spot across from her and she was settling in.

“Do you want some?” She asked and he shook his head immediately.

“Oh no, I ordered something as well. But please get started.” He assured and she nodded and went for her toast right away. She finished chewing and hummed.

“Always hits the spot. I haven’t eaten since 11:30.” She disclosed.

“Oh god, I would be a proper grouch if I went that long without eating.” He said and she giggled.

“So you get hangry, I see…so does my teenage daughter.” she teased and he chuckled as he shook his head at her little joke.

“I mean, most people do.” He said and she shrugged her shoulders.

“That’s fair.” She responded and he chuckled again.

“You don’t?” He asked her and she shook her head.

“No. Being a parent often means staving off your own needs for your kids, even hunger. I will admit sometimes I forget to eat-”

“You forget to eat?” He asked in shock and she giggled.

“If I’m really busy. It’s usually during the end of the semester, but I don’t think any of my classes will push me to that this quarter.” She said and he nodded.

“Well good.”

“Yes.” She grinned. Then they called his name and he came back with his own order. He just had a regular black coffee and a capirotada - which is essentially a bread pudding.

“Ooh, good choice.” She said and he glanced up to her.

“Oh yeah? He told me it was like bread pudding.”

“It is! They make it really good here, it’s not too sweet or cinnamon-y, it’s just right.” She said and he nodded.

“Oh good!” I just got this because it looks kind of like a dessert from England and I admittedly got a bit nostalgic.” He explained himself and she smiled; she understood that feeling very well.

“Yeah, I get that.” She nodded, “So have you been in the US long?”

“Yeah, I came over for med school, so I’ve been here about…10 years?” He said, “Oh shit.” He then said lowly as the realization struck him and she laughed lightly as she watched it unfold before her.

“Do you miss England?”

“Some things I miss, but I really like it here. It was a fresh start.” He said and she nodded in understanding.

“Yeah, we need those sometimes.” She acknowledged, “But look at you now, your own practice and everything. Even teaching now!” She said veering the topic into a more positive light and he chuckled bashfully as he reached for his coffee.

“Living the dream.” He said and she quirked her face a bit with a confused smile because she did not miss the sardonic tone in his voice.

“You say that like you’re not convinced of it.” She called him out, which surprised him and he shrugged before he decided that he would explain himself to her.

“It’s just like, you work so hard for something…literally dedicate everything you are and all of your time and resources to it to get there and once you do it’s kind of the feeling of like “that’s it”?. Do you know what I mean?” He asked, an existential crisis was close if they were to continue not he topic of him so he had to turn it around and she hummed pensively at his question.

“Kind of… I mean, I hear med school is…horrific.” She said, “Highest suicide rate, no?” and he nodded.

“Well, three times more likely than our peers.” He corrected her and she frowned, it was still alarming. She had friends who had gone to medical school, a few dropped out because it was too intense, so yeah, maybe he was very valid in feeling like all of that made it out bigger than it needed to be.

“So it is horrific.” She said again an the sighed, smiling bit now despite the morbid topic they had just touched on.

“I love learning and I do love school, maybe that’s why I came back to teach… so ummm, I wouldn’t say it was horrific for me, but definitely challenging…and I don’t know, I was just one of those people that were so focused on school and being excellent in that capacity that I didn’t it as much as I could have or made the good kind of memories with the people around me. Like several of the people in my cohort were married over the last couple years and well, I wasn’t invited because, we were classmates but I didn’t take the time to make them my friends. And just little things like that, that I wish I had valued more at the time.” He explained and she hummed with a small frown, “And well now, yes, I have my practice, but having your own business is very time consuming and it makes it hard to have my own life too, you know? I love what I do, trust me, I would’ve never gone through with med school if I didn’t. I would do It for free! But like there are times in which I wish I didn’t have to answer a phone call of a patient in distress in the middle of a date with my girlfriend. Or have a patient go through that angry at my therapist phase and fear I’ll get sued and lose everything.” He chuckled and she did as well.

“Yeah, wow, that is…intense.” She said and he nodded.

“It is and again, I love to do it and I love to help people, but I’m still new at this so I’m just getting the hang of it. I’m sure I’ll be able to find balance with some time, but it does feel like I never will be able to start living my life sometimes.” He expressed, “Do you ever feel that way? Being a mum? Sorry, if that came out weird, Celeste mentioned that you were quite young.” He tagged in and she shook her head.

“It’s alright,” Diana assured him, “and not really… I don’t feel that I missed out on my youth or anything like that. I wasn’t all that social in college anyway.” She explained and he hummed in understanding, “Kind of also threw myself into the work and well, I had a baby, and well it’s not like I was a 16 year old mom, but being 19 with a baby still makes people look at you differently.” She shrugged and Harry frowned slightly upon hearing this.

“People are dicks.” He said and she smiled at his lame attempt to comfort her after what she had shared, but it wasn’t necessary, that had stopped bothering her a long, long time ago, “And Celeste’s dad? You guys were young, how does he feel about that?” He asked and Diana suddenly looked down at her coffee cup before clearing her throat and glancing into his eyes.

“Ummm…h-how’re you liking teaching?” She changed the subject all together, so fast and abruptly that Harry just went along with it, barely even noticing that his previous question had been completely ignored.

“It’s been great! I was dying of nerves beforehand but as soon as I got up there it just felt amazing to know that I could share what I knew like that. It’s made me fall in love with my profession even more.” He admitted and she smiled.

“Yeah, that happens to all the great teachers I know, at least.” She shrugged and he smiled before digging into his capirotada. He moaned in satisfaction at the taste of the dessert.

“OK, that’s phenomenal.” He said after he swallowed down the bite he took.

“Oh yeah, it’s a classic.” She agreed and he hummed.

“I can see why.” He acknowledged. 

They continued to talk a little bit more, though he noticed that after he had brought up Celeste’s dad the topic stayed more at the professional level as she discussed teaching and the university, and curriculum designs. He felt bad for bringing that up, but he was curious as Celeste had talked about her dad, but very briefly and he had meant to ask more questions, but then they progressed to something else in the session and he just wanted to know more about their family unit - maybe she wasn’t married like he initially assumed. Either way, after the reaction she had, he felt like he needed to apologize for it, but it seemed that just changing the topic was enough for her. Just as he was about to ask her something else her phone started ringing and she glanced down to it.

“And that’s my 15 minute timer!” She announced and his eyes widened.

“Already?”

“Yeah.” She giggled, “Time flies when you’re having fun!” She exclaimed and he grinned.

“I guess so. I should probably head out too, I’m lecturing further than you are and I walked too.” He said and she nodded.

“Then yeah, you should.” She agreed as she stuffed the last bite of her toast in her mouth and they both stood to clean up their table a bit and gather their things. “Well, it was nice running into you. I hope your class goes well.” She smiled and he nodded.

“Yeah, yours too.”  He returned her well-wishes and then they both made their way out only to realize that he had fallen a few steps behind her as they were heading in the same direction, “I’m not following you, I swear.” He said and she laughed; she had a pretty laugh. “You’re fine.” She assured him.

“Well, while we’re going in the same direction I guess I have a sort of question about something.” He said hurrying up to match her pace and she nodded, “So in my field, it’s a female-dominant one and ummm, obviously, my class is mostly women, there are 2 or 3 guys in it, but ummm, some of the women are-”

“Oddly friendly?” She grinned up at him in question and he smiled, a cute dimply one that made her heart race in a way it hadn’t in a long time.

“Yeah, ummm, to put it nicely.” He confirmed bashfully, “I just don’t want to accidentally miscommunicate things or give the wrong impression. And I can’t deal with it as a therapist because it’s a different scenario. In therapy we just tend to confront it directly and I don’t know it that’s the best approach here too? I do notice some of them looking at me in certain ways or just being a little flirtatious with me and I don’t know… I just don’t want to mess something up. Is that something you’ve dealt with?” He asked and she nodded.

“Oh yeah, being a young professor comes with unique challenges and ummm, yeah, some of my students have put me in a position like that too and I learned that when you directly confront it they immediately deny it and then make you feel like you’re being a cocky asshole or presumptuous, which also sucks.” She sighed, “H-have you ever had a client do that to you?” She asked and he nodded.

“Once or twice, but I was still a resident and like working in my fellowship at the time so I had a lot more help to navigate that.” He explained and she nodded, “I just got switched to another rotation, it was in a psych ward so it wasn’t like I was the clinician, it was more 51-50 situations, so I was just providing the meds while we were allowed to hold them.” He explained and she nodded.

“OK, so yeah, in this scenario, if they flirt or hint at liking you just act normal, don’t acknowledge the flirtations and advances if they’re very subtle, keep it professional, set the boundary with your response. But if they start to come on stronger or in more obvious  and bold advances, like I once had a student ask me if we could go out after the class was over and I wasn’t his professor anymore. Or if they bring you gifts,” She shared, “then you can be more stern in reminding them of the boundary. I know with graduate students it’s a little different as they are full-fledged adults,” she said, “but if there are students who just seek you out without reason or are just trying to get close to you, obviously try to keep those interactions documented. So if they want to see you try to keep it over email or zoom, document meetings and appointments on your calendar, things like that. We often think that we need to not have any evidence, but paper trails are your best friend if you’re not a sketchy person!” She explained.

“OK, that is the best advice I have ever received.” He smiled and she nodded.

“I came up with that one myself.” She grinned with pride and he chuckled, “Here’s a suggestion, I don’t know if you’ll need it for your courses, but I make a calendar for my office hours for each class and add all of my students to it, they can then book their own appointments, but everyone else who is in the class sees, kind of like a virtual sign-up sheet. In my experience it dissuades those students who are just coming by to “say hi”, as they like to say.” She said and he hummed, “That is time consuming though, so if anything just try not to let them catch you alone, causally bring up you’re in a relationship, stuff like that.” She smiled. 

“OK. Yeah, I just don’t want them to take it too far and I have to do something more serious about it, you know? Like I get having crushes on your teacher, in Med school I had this o-chem professor who was so attractive, I was one of his best students and he was like a genius, he was about my age now and I knew that he kind of liked me too. There was this unspoken tension that we both just…lived with for that entire semester, but he never said anything about it. He just let it be and then after I finished his class he just kind of never spoke to me again. I didn’t take offense to it, I know that once a line like that is crossed it just makes it easier for it to happen again. But it’s hard being a sapiosexual while running in academic circles.” He said with a breathy chuckle and she nodded as she started to slow down.

“Oh definitely, I’m with you on that one!” She giggled in agreement, she was a fellow sapiosexual and knew all about that on her own, “But I think he was smart about how he dealt, your professor.” She said and he nodded, “So yeah, just be nice about it, don’t make the student feel awkward about it if it’s just a crush. And well I’m sure the magic’ll wear off after midterms.” She joked and he laughed as they came to a stop in front of a large lecture hall.

“Most likely.” He chuckled, “This you?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yep! Well, Dr. Styles it was lovely running into you.” She said again.

“Likewise, Professor Beltran. And please, s’just Harry.” He insisted once more and she smiled and nodded.

“Right. Well, I’m just Diana too, so umm yeah. I’ll uh-see you around. Have a good night.” She bid him farewell.

“You too!” He called after her before he continued walking towards his class with his heart racing a bit more than it ought to. But he was walking at a relatively quick speed and he’d just had a plain coffee with an extra espresso shot, so it was likely that his heart was reacting to just that. It was ironic really, the conversation they had just had. He had too many questions for and about her and his interest was piqued after this. All he knew was that the next time he went by the cafe he would be taking his order to-go, he couldn’t sit with her like this again.

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[harryistheonlyoneforme]

just a little taste* (2)

warnings: smut, oral, angst, mentions of cheating

pairing: masseuse harry x reader

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~

harry’s breath is caught in his throat as he registers what’s going on, blinking a couple times to make sure this is real life. after a few moments of baited silence, he’s come to the conclusion that this is, in fact, not a dream. “darling, wha-,” he clears his throat, the words coming out a bit shaky. “what are y’doing?” he finally forces out.

her tongue swipes out to wet her bottom lip before she’s pulling away as if she’s been burnt. “oh! ‘m sorry, i shouldn’t have assumed. i just thought i’d return the favor since you were just so good to me,” she rambles, going to step away, albeit mortified, but she’s stopped dead in her tracks when she feels two hands cradle her face gingerly before his lips are pressed to hers once more.

he presses his body as close to hers as he possibly can, his tongue now fighting to explore her mouth. he’s a bit confused, though, when she places her hands on his chest to push him away a bit. “no,” she states with a firm shake of her head, causing him to furrow his eyebrows in confusion. “if you want it, you’re going to have to tell me you want it, i’d rather have your spoken consent,” she explains, and he’s practically melting in relief that he hasn’t fucked up what he’s sure is the best thing to ever happen to him.

she has a small smile on her face when he nods eagerly, his chest heaving just a bit. “yeah, y-yes. i’d love for you to return the favor, darling. just the sweetest little thing,” he rushes, a dimpled grin on his face as well.

now that she has full consent, though, she’s going to go all in. she steps away from him, just a hair, to drop herself onto her knees, the plush carpet beneath her giving her some comfort. her mouth is nearly watering as she reaches up to free his hard cock from where it resides, and she has to stop her jaw from dropping when he’s fully out and in front of her.

he’s so pretty, so long and thick and wet. he’s literally leaking for her, his cock twitching in front of her as he watches her eye him up. he reaches up with his right hand and runs his thumb over her bottom lip to grab her attention. “‘s it pretty, darling?” he teases, causing her to let out a whine and nod enthusiastically. “y’so sweet, baby, but ‘m gonna explode in a bit if y’just keep staring,” he chuckles. “do y’wanna maybe put it in y’mou- fuck, angel,” he’s cut off with a moan as she reaches up to grasp him and place her mouth on him all in one go, her tongue licking all around the width of him as she goes deeper.

once his cock is lubricated enough with her spit, she begins to bob her head to give him some more pleasure, a shocked moan of pleasure leaving his lips when she takes him so deep that her nose grazes the bottom of his tummy. “angel, fuck, i- y’doing so well,” he’s gasping as he reaches for her head but pulls away as he doesn’t know if she’s okay with that.

she notices his struggle and pulls away for just a moment, still stroking him quickly as she does. “s’okay, you can touch my head. i don’t mind it,” she ensures, not even sparing another glance as she goes right back to work on his cock, needing to taste more than just his precum on her tongue.

and harry just swears to himself that he’s landed an angel, she was such a sweet, innocent thing when he’d first entered, but now he knows who she really is, what she really needs. she needs someone to make her feel good, to put her in her place, to make it hurt. she needs some reprieve from her everyday life. and that’s what he’s going to give her.

he can’t give it much more thought, though, when he sees her reach up, and before he can register what’s going on, she’s got his balls in her hand, playing with them as she still uses her mouth and other hand diligently. the overwhelming feeling cause a choked gasp to leave his lips, his hips involuntarily bucking forward and hitting the back of her throat.

she gags just a bit and so he starts to pull away but she just follows him, managing to get even sloppier. the sounds that are coming from them are so vulgar, so lewd that harry has to grip onto the cart behind him to keep himself upright. how he’s reduced her to a filthy, slutty mess the neither of them know, but they also don’t want it to end.

harry feels his cock start to twitch and his balls start to draw up almost painfully as his orgasm approaches out of nowhere trying to give her a warning but he can’t even form a single coherent thought. “angel, angel, fuck, please. please, i’m-,” she swallows around him then, cutting his sentence short as he plummets into bliss, his thighs quaking and a noise that resembles a guttural groan falling from his mouth.

shortly after, yn feels the warmth of his cum coating the back of her throat with short spurts, and she swallows every drop eagerly. she hasn’t stopped the movements of her hands or her mouth, and she doesn’t until she feels harry pull away from her with a whine of overstimulation. resting her weight down on her heels, she looks up at him with the most innocent smile as if she didn’t just drain him for everything he had.

the smile he returns is lazy but genuine, exhaustion quickly seeping into his bones as he attempts to catch his breath. when he finally feels like he can move without falling to the floor, he takes one last breath before helping yn up, pressing his lips to hers once again. they have a silent conversation as she steps away, grabbing her clothes. he fixes is own and helps her put hers on to the best of his ability, his moments a bit sluggish.

they share a couple more quick kisses that threaten to turn into something more again, but they stop them just before they go that far, knowing they’ll end up passed out on the floor or the massage table, and that’s not a great look for anyone that comes in. she gathers all of her belongings before asking him if he needed any help, to which he declined of course, but he had one last request.

“same time next week?” he questions, dimpled grin on full display as he rubs a warm hand along her hip.

“same time next week,” she reiterates. they quickly exchange numbers and when they’re done she leans up to press one last kiss to his lips before she’s heading out and closing the door behind her, walking toward the entrance. when she passes the front desk with a wave, though, she doesn’t miss the way jessica’s eyes don’t quite find hers, and how her ears are bright red, an indication that she’d definitely heard what just went down.

yn gets in her car without another glance to the building, a new feeling of relaxation and confidence radiating throughout her as she drives home. the ride home is quick and peaceful, and she stops to get her favorite sushi on the way. she hops onto her couch and turns on a random movie when she arrives, digging into her sushi.

as soon as she pops the first piece in her mouth, though, her phone that had been sitting on the coffee table in front of her lights up along with the sound of her ring tone, an indicator that she’s received a call. reaching forward, she can’t stop the smile that quickly forms on her face as she realizes it’s harry making sure she’s made it home safely.

after answering and ensuring him that she’s safe and comfy as she watches a movie with her sushi, the two somehow find themselves in a conversation about their favorite things to eat. he tells her that he knows a great place for pad thai and that piques her interest, never having tried that before.

he clears his throat on the other line. “well, how about after our session next friday, we can pop by there so you can try it out?” he questions, his heart nearly in his throat as he awaits her response.

“i’d love to,” he can hear the smile in her voice. “it’s a date, then,” she chuckles, testing the waters.

“it’s a date,” he whispers on the other end. they fall into a comfortable silence for a moment, just listening to the other’s breaths until she starts laughing. he’s laughing along too, despite the fact that he doesn’t even know what’s going through her head. her laugh is just so contagious. “what’s so funny?” he questions, his smile bright on the other end.

“it’s just,” she starts, stopping to laugh a bit more. “it’s just that an hour ago i was on my knees in front of you with your cock in my mouth and now you’re asking me on a date. ‘s just a bit backwards, is all,” she teases, and he laughs along with her once more.

“you’re so right, it is. but now we’re all in, no going back now, hm?” she agrees and they fall into silence again before they decide to end the call, promising to see each other next week.

~

so then it becomes a weekly thing after that. every friday after yn gets off work, she heads straight to the parlor for a massage and her happy ending, the two stopping by a restaurant when they leave, talking about everything under the sun. every single friday night ends in a sweet kiss as they part ways, the both of their hearts warm and full as they head to their homes. they’ve got a nice little routine going, and it’s fun and it’s easy, until it’s not.

the next week when yn comes in for her session, the door is closed. a frown forms on her face when she realizes, and she has to check her watch to make sure she hasn’t gotten the wrong time. she hasn’t, and so she’s even more confused as she heads back to the waiting area once more.

stopping at the front desk, she leans her upper body against it as she waits for jessica to finish speaking to a client. they've gotten fairly close over the past few weeks, so she trusts that she'll tell her what's going on. she looks over to her with a smile as soon as she's finished speaking, a bit confused since she's usually in the back by now.

"hey, jess, do you know where harry is? i just went in the back and the door was closed, didn't seem like he was in there," she explains, watching as the furrow in her friend's eyebrow only deepens.

"he should be in there, have you tried knocking yet? i haven't seen him come back out," she responds. yn has an odd sinking feeling in her stomach but she brushes it off, thinking that maybe he’s just lost track of time or something. turning on her heel, she goes back to the door and knocks firmly.

there’s no answer on the other side, but she knows he’s in there because the light is on. now she’s worried something’s happened to him, so she hurriedly turns the knob and opens the door. her eyes trail around the room until they land on harry. who is…perfectly fine.

she’s even more confused now, but then a small smile forms on her face when, upon fully taking him in, she sees that he has his airpods in, his back to her as he prepares the oils. he just couldn’t hear her. so she steps further into the room to tap him for his attention when he speaks up.

“no, allison. i won’t be home for dinner tonight,” a frown forms on her face as there’s a beat of silence.

who could he be talking to? as far as she knew, he lived alone. her questions are answered pretty quickly when he speaks up again. “it’s the same conversation every night!,” he exclaims, sounding exasperated. “i will not be home for dinner, and i expect the mess you made in our bed last night to be cleaned,” he sighs.

our bed? a lump forms in her throat. who is allison, and what sort of mess did she make in their bed? yn’s heart is full on thumping inside her chest as all of the possible scenarios play out for her. she’d begun to subconsciously step backward as her mind reels, stabilizing herself at the doorway when she makes it back there.

“allison, please. and for the love of god, could you please stop calling me when i’m at work? i’ll call you when i’m on the way home,” another beat of silence as the woman on the other end gets louder. “so now you’re monitoring my purchases? what i do in my free time doesn’t involve you, it doesn’t matter if you’re an account holder, stop trying to keep me on a leash,” he practically spits, and that’s all it takes for yn to take that final step out the door and close the door behind her, the slam startling harry even with his noise cancelling headphones.

the dull thud causes harry to jump, taking out one of his headphones as he takes a look at the time. his heart drops as he realizes yn would’ve been here at this time, and he has a strong feeling that the noise he heard was the sound of her leaving.

“no, no, no, fuck,” he spits, hanging up the phone and tossing it carelessly to the side as he hops up from the chair. he makes a run for the door, but he’s met with an empty hallway, and so he hurries to the front. the lobby is completely empty save for jessica, who looks at him with a confused expression, wondering why yn left so abruptly. she doesn’t dare ask, though, because the way harry is bright red with a heaving chest is off putting enough.

she wouldn’t have had time to, either, because as soon as he notices that yn’s car is gone from the parking lot he turns back to the hallway and goes into his room to retrieve his phone. his hands are shaking as he rushes to find her number, pressing the call button and putting the phone to his ear. straight to voicemail.

“fuck!” he bellows, hanging up to try again. voicemail once again. he stands in the middle of the room for a moment as he contemplates what to do. he doesn’t know where she lives or works, he only has her number and this time on fridays. he can only hope that she’ll come back next week, but he’s got a feeling that he’s really fucked up this time.

harry calms himself down for a few minutes as he cleans up his station that he’d prepped, gathering his belongings to head home for the night. he hurries past jessica without a word or a glance, hopping into his car and throwing his stuff in the backseat before peeling out of the lot.

it’s no surprise when monday he comes in with red puffy eyes and a bottom lip bright red from all the biting he’s done, but he’s surprised that jess is scowling at him and ignoring him, passing him the schedule for the day without a word. so yn told her about what she’d heard.

the week drags on so slowly he’s unsure he’ll make it, and when friday finally rolls around again he has just an inkling of hope that she’ll show. even just to talk, maybe yell at him. but after he finishes the clients and her normal time approaches, he waits and waits until the parlor closes, thinking that maybe she’s just running late.

he heaves out a sigh as he closes up the parlor, hopping into the car and resting his head against the wheel. after a few minutes of thought, he decides it’d be best to try and push her into the back of his mind, even though he’s definitely run away the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

~

one month later

“h, really? it’s been a whole month and you’re still mooing around. it’s not like you guys were even together or anything,” mitch grumbles, fed up with his friend’s dull behavior. “so get in the shower and get some clothes on. i’ll be there in an hour or so, around 9…..and shave too, please,” he requests, hanging up the facetime call without waiting for a response.

harry just sighs in defeat as he realizes his best friend is entirely correct, but decides to wallow for a couple minutes more before he finally pushes himself off the couch and heads toward the bathroom.

he’s honestly quite relieved that he feels just a tad better when he makes himself presentable again, but the cleaning up does not take away the pain entirely. he finds some clothes and puts them on just as his phone begins ringing once more, mitch’s name appearing on the screen. he gives him a small smile when he answers. “ah, there he is! i bet you feel a lot better,” he teases, but it’s all in good nature as he’s really glad his best friend is making an effort. “i won’t say i told you so….” is the last thing harry beers before the call ends once more.

grabbing some shoes, he puts them on and grabs his keys before he heads out to where mitch is waiting, a forced smile on his face as he hops in the passenger seat.

~

walking into tap and slide, the most popular bar in upper manhattan, harry expects to feel something new. something, anything other than the dull ache that’s seemingly permanently nestled deep in his tummy. it seems as if the harder he tries to push yn from his mind, the more she appears. he takes a glance around the crowded bar and sighs deeply when he realizes that this scene will do nothing to help him.

his friends are already scattering to different parts of the building, seeing people they know or that they’re attracted to. so he’s left standing there near the entrance with a slump in his shoulders, and when he feels a body brush against him particularly hard, he forces his feet to move forward toward the bar. when it’s his turn, he orders himself a whiskey sour and heads off to find a booth to reside in until his friends feel like leaving.

and so he nurses the whiskey for as long as he sits there, eyes flitting around the room for anything that catches his attention. he’s sat there for about an hour, beginning to get too deep into his head when he sees her. he hadn’t looked toward the entrance the entire night, but for some reason he felt compelled to look that way at that exact moment.

when his eyes land on her, in the cutest black dress and small kitten heels that her perfect for a night out, his heart speeds up substantially. he nearly drops his half empty glass on the table, his hand shaky as he manages to set it down. his eyes don’t leave her frame as she moves deeper into the building, not until someone is tapping her shoulder and causing her to turn to them.

a frown forms on his lips when he realizes that it’s jess with her, and that she’s pointing at him as she speaks to yn. a scowl is set on her face and she rolls her eyes every couple words as she very obviously warns yn of his presence. then yn is speaking, still not turning his way as she gets closer to jess. whatever she says causes jess to place a hand on her arm with a sympathetic frown, moving the two of them toward a booth on the other side.

jess double checks that yn is okay before moving to the bar to grab them some drinks to sip on for the night, and he knows it’s so wrong, but harry takes that as a chance to make his move. sliding from the booth, harry pushes through the couple of bodies that block his path and makes his way to yn, who is now typing on her phone.

then he slides into the booth across from her, watching as she looks up with a smile that’s quickly replaced with a hardened look of anger, a face he’s never seen before. he swallows quickly and his tongue darts out to wet his bottom lip before he speaks. “i know i don’t exactly deserve this for not being honest with you, but do you think i could just get a few minutes? i’d really like to explain myself,” he chooses his words carefully, not really giving away any details, which frustrates her.

she’s huffing out a sigh of annoyance and cuts her eyes to jess, who is fully immersed in a conversation with mitch before she looks back to the man in front of her. “whatever. you have five minutes, and i expect the truth,” she spits, leaning back against the back of the booth and crossing her arms against her chest.

she really should’ve stayed home tonight.

"im married," he finally admits to her, watching the way her breath hitches before a scoff leaves her lips. “i’m married, and i have been for the past five years.”

~

cliffhangaaaaaa kinda?????😩😩😩

[writingsfromhome]

Three’s Company

A/N: I tried to balance some angst with fluff, hope I did it right lol. You’re dating Harry’s best friend but you and Harry are also best friends. Until he confesses a secret. I think this one got long but I wrote it quickly so don’t mind any mistakes. hope everyone enjoys it! Happy holidays :) <3

——————————————————————

“Me and my boys,” I wrap one arm around my boyfriend Frank and the other around my best mate, Harry. “I’m so glad you guys showed tonight!”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Harry squeezes my hand on his shoulder.

“I’m so proud of you,” Frank pulls me away from Harry into his arms. He plants a very wet kiss on me. “You’ve worked so hard these last few months.”

“I know,” I take my boyfriend’s face in my hands. “Thanks for supporting me.”

“Ahem,” Harry clears his throat. “I was also up at 2am helping you practice lines.”

“Of course,” I plant a kiss on Harry cheeks. “Couldn’t have done it without either of your support.”

I link my hand through Frank’s and we continue the trek to the pub. It was opening day for the musical I was apart of and it was the first major production. Everytime I caught my face on a tube poster, advertising the show, I couldn’t help the giddy rush of warmth that filled me. It was always my dream to be on stage and I finally had it.

“So this girl you’re seeing,” Frank addresses Harry who is walking a few steps ahead on his phone. “You serious about her?”

“Think so,” Harry says. My heart flutters at the thought of him finally settling down, not because I was jealous but the last time he got serious with a girl was a year ago. Even though by then Frank and I had been going steady for 4 years she hadn’t liked our relationship and ended it with him when he wouldn’t cut me off. I didn’t want that to happen to him again.

“Good for you,” Frank says. We share a glance, having had many concerned conversations about Harry’s love life. Even though we were only in our mid-20s, Harry never quite got serious about a girl. We just wanted to see him happy.

Harry’s girlfriend meets us at the pub, she couldn’t come to the show because she had a shift which she tells me when we meet her. Harry had already told me this but I think it’s endearing how much she cares, she tells me she’ll go to the next one Harry shows up for.

“I like her,” I tell Harry later.

“That’s because she’s flattering you,” Harry says as he gets the both of them drinks. “You’re so easy to win over.”

“You’re just jealous we’re getting along,” I tease but he rolls his eyes at me and goes back to the table. I get drinks for Frank and I since he was deep in conversation with someone he knew.

“How long have you two been going out for?” I ask the couple. “Harry only mentioned you a couple weeks ago.”

“Really?” Natalie looks up at Harry.

“Not like that,” Harry flicks my shoulder. “I just didn’t want them sticking their nose in my business. Her and Frank love to interrogate me about my love life.”

“Only cuz we care,” I shrug.

“We started dating April so…almost 2 months?” Nat answers. My jaw drops.

“2 months Harry? And you never said anything?!”

“It’s my life!”

“I tell you everything!”

“I never ask,” Harry shakes his head and turns to Nat. “She’s an oversharer.”

She laughs, “Speaking of sharing remind me how you all met? Harry only said you all met in uni.”

“Harry sucks at stories,” I lean in closer to her so I don’t have to shout so loud. I tell her how Harry and I had met at a school-sponsored concert. We recognized each other from a few classes. We started hanging out a lot to study and party. How he had introduced me to Frank a couple weeks after we met and we hit it off. It took us another semester of circling each other and Harry playing the third wheel for us to finally get together. Frank and I have been together since and Harry has been our best mate since too.

“That’s so sweet,” she squeezes his arm. “You’ll be their best mate at their wedding, godfather to their child, third-wheel for life?”

“Harry looks a bit pale at that,” I joke but he did look paler. “Don’t worry, Frank will still come over to play video games.”

Nat and I laugh and Harry joins but it sounds forced. He was such a weirdo.

“We always say three’s company when it comes to us, right Harry?” I reference the slogan we came up for ourselves. “We won’t forget about Harry when we tie the knot!”

Frank joins us, interrupting anything Harry would’ve said. We all get to knowing each other. I really like Natalie, and Frank tells me later at home that he got a good feeling about her too. It’s unfortunate when a month or so later Harry tells us they broke up.

What comes as the biggest shock is a couple months after that, on an oddly sunny day in October Frank tells me he wanted to break up. Right before my last few weeks. He doesn’t even wait for my run to be over. And just like that, 5.5 years vanish in front of my eyes.

The cherry on top is when Harry stops talking to me as much, starts making excuses for why he can’t hang out. Even though we were mates before Frank and I got together, he seems to have chosen sides. Those weeks feel like my own personal horror movie. I’m a zombie in my day-to-day and when I go on stage I use up every ounce of energy and emotion I have to make my last performances count. But it tears a hole right through me.

The week after Frank and I breakup I bump into Harry near his work. Well, I actually purposely made an appointment close to where he worked in hopes of seeing him.

“H!” I call out when I spot his side profile on the same sidewalk as me. “Harry!”

He does a double take and then halts, people around him grumbling as they walk around. I pull him to the side and give him a big hug. I try not to let it hurt when his arms are slow to go around me.

“I haven’t seen you in weeks, how’ve you been?” I put on a brave voice even though all I want to do is cry.

“Ehm,” he looks uncomfortable but he smiles down at me. “I’m good, I’ve been slammed at work sorry Y/N I’ve been meaning to see you.”

“Yeah,” I wait for him to give me more. The silence stretches out until he fills it.

“I’m really sorry about Frank and you I…I didn’t even know he was going to do that.”

“That makes two of us,” I try to joke but it’s too fresh and my voice cracks. Harry looks away.

“How’s your show going?”

“I’m on two more weeks and then I’m back to auditioning for majority of my days.”

“No callbacks from the other places?”

“Not yet.”

We stand in awkward silence and I want to scream. We were so easy, why was Harry being so weird? It’s not like Frank was the glue that held us together. And now the irritation begins to creep in as Harry continues being standoffish.

“What’s been going on with you?” I try.

“Not much, still trying the dating scene.” He sighs. “And working. My sister’s throwing this Halloween thing even though we’re all adults. I think she’s trying to set me up with one of her mates.”

“Just dress up like a sexy lamp, no one will want to come near you.”

“A sexy lamp?” Harry laughs and finally, finally looks at me.

“Beauty and the Beast? I saw it online when I was looking at costumes. I felt like I was in some twisted alternate universe where people are trying to be a sexy lamp.”

“Have you seen a Christmas Story?” Harry asks and I laugh so hard at that, it feels so good.

“Oh my god,” I wipe away my tears. “I haven’t laughed like that in ages.”

Harry’s cheeks are pink from the cold and the way he looks at me with pity and sadness drops coal into my stockings. How could he look at me like that? He was my best mate, I wasn’t some sorry damsel with a broken fucking heart.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been as available,” he finally says to me.

“Yeah,” I shrug. What else was I supposed to say? Well what I really wanted to do was get angry like everything was normal, but it didn’t feel like the right time.

We stand like that in silence until he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ears and it must be from being so touch, and friend, starved the last couple weeks that I sigh when he does it. He shoves his hand in his pocket and clears his throat.

“I should get going before the tube is sardines.”

“Right,” I say with a hard edge. Harry could tell I was getting upset but I didn’t care.

“I like the new hair by the way,” Harry says as he side steps me and becomes one with the crowd.

And even though he was sorry, he doesn’t message me to hang out or to ask how I’m doing. He abandons me too, only responding when I message him. I wasn’t giving up on him though even though it hurt to know he had given up on me. I couldn’t lose my best friend just because I’d lost my boyfriend.

***

“Hey Harry, I know you’ve been busy lately but my last show is this Thursday. In case you wanted to come see it. It’s gotten a lot smoother since that first one you went to hahahah…anyway. I left your name at the door if you can make it. I hope you can.”

I leave the voicemail on Monday and hope Harry can do it. I’ve had family come down to the city to see me, and friends show up here and there. But the people I thought would show up for my first and last performance are suddenly just gone from my life. If I could go back in time to the first show I’d tell myself to hold on tight because everyone would leave me.

Between practice and evening shows I don’t hear back from Harry. No text, voicemail, or message anywhere. My last night I get into character with a heart made of lead and tissue permanently pressed to my waterline so my mascara doesn’t run. I’d save my tears for the show itself.

As I secure my wig to my head a knock come from my dressing room door.

“It’s open,” I call, expecting the stage manager or my agent or a cast member. Harry walks in instead.

“Harry! You’re here!” I’m not even thinking as I rush to him and throw my arms around him. He’s slow to wrap his around me again and that’s when reality crashes back down. “I’m so glad you could make it.”

“Yeah I wouldn’t miss it,” Harry sits down on a nearby chair. “I know I was supposed to come to a lot more but…”

“You’re here now,” I beam, willing to put the past aside for now. “None of my family could make it tonight, it was going to be sort of depressing for me.”

“Drinks are on me,” Harry says. “I can’t believe my best mate’s done a whole season on broadway.”

“Right!?” I’m more excited of being called his best mate than doing the whole season. As I sit back down to do my wig I keep an eye on H through the mirror.

“So,” I start out tentatively. “Hear from Frank lately?”

“Hm,” he looks up from his phone. “I’m not going to be the messenger between you two.”

“What?! Of course not, jeez H I was only asking if he’s doing okay. I’m not like, thinking he’s somehow going to un-breakup with me.”

“I saw him last weekend. He’s alright, his new flat’s not too far from me actually.”

“That’s good,” I say. So he really did take Harry with him in the split. I can’t help but push more, I turn in my seat to face him.

“I know we haven’t spoken ever since shite hit the fan between Frank and me. But we’re still okay, right? We were always friends before you introduced me to Frank and I hope you don’t feel like you have to take sides.”

“What? No, nothing like that,” he looks cornered. He tugs his sleeve over his hand, not making eye contact.

“Okay...” I couldn’t interpret his body language. “Okay, it seems like you’re annoyed or something? Like, you want to leave this conversation. Did I say something?”

“No,” he shakes his head, his hair moving with the aggressive shake.

“So what is it?” I can hear the annoyance creeping into my own voice. “Did Frank say something about me? Why do you seem so cagey? What’s going on Harry?”

“I’m not-I’m not cagey,” he scoffs, straightening to his full height. “I just don’t feel like talking.”

“So Frank said something-”

“No! I just don’t care to have this conversation.”

“Oh,” my eyes sting. “So that’s it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Frank and I break up and so do we? You don’t want to talk anymore?”

“I didn’t mean it like that-”

“Well it sounded a lot like that,” I hold up my hand. “Don’t try to backtrack. I thought we were best friends Harry, nothing was supposed to change between us just because Frank and I are on bad terms-”

“But that���s the thing!” Harry shouts. “That’s the thing--everything’s changed! Everything, Y/N...look, I don’t want to talk about this!”

“I do!” I push back, interested in what he meant. “What changed? I don’t understand, and I want to talk about it! I can’t lose my boyfriend and my best friend in the same week! Nothing should change between us, Frank has nothing to do with us!”

Harry looks puzzled as his eyes fix on my face. I raise an eyebrow when he doesn’t speak. “What?”

“You’ve never...” he drags his hand down his face. “Y/N, I don’t want to talk about this. For our friendship’s sake, I can’t talk about this.”

“For our friendship’s sake?!” I exclaim. “I need to talk about this! You’re my best friend! Or so I thought.”

“No!” Harry finally snaps. “I don’t want to talk about this! You think Frank and you breaking up shouldn’t change our dynamic, change us, but of course it fucking does. And I don’t want to talk about it.”

I catch his arm as he tries to walk away, nearly being dragged with him as he rushes away. “Explain, Harry please explain. I don’t get it!”

“Fuck Y/N,” Harry talks with his back to me. I drop his arm. “Frank was the only thing that helped keep you in the friendzone. When you’re not his girlfriend...I don’t know what we are.”

I don’t know what to say, Ifeel like the wind’s been knocked out of me. “So all these years...you were just hanging around me because you wanted to be something more? Was our whole friendship a lie?”

“Of course not, what?” Harry finally turns. “You’re my best friend, you always have been. But by the time I decided to do something about my crush, you confessed to me that you really liked my best friend. And I could tell Frank was really happy around you. I loved both of you, I couldn’t get in between that.”

“So what, you’ve just been...secretly resenting us every time we all hung out? Punishing yourself everytime you third-wheel us?”

“No, no no this isn’t how...that’s not how it’s been.”

“What the fuck Harry?” I cry. “You’ve been secretly pining after your best friend’s girlfriend for years?”

“I know it’s fucked up!” Harry shouts. “I know I’m fucked up for wanting my best friend’s girlfriend I know! You don’t have to spell out how fucked up it is!”

“What the fuck,” I whisper.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Harry’s face crumples. “Please, Y/N that’s just what I was trying to say. When you were with Frank, I could hang out with you—with the both of you and not care because you two made each other so happy how could I come in between the happiness of the two people I loved the most in the world?

But now that you two have broken up, there’s no red light there. There’s nothing to stop me from kissing you. I mean, consent obviously…” He corrects himself, sighing. “I know, I know. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything. But you always know how to pull anything out of me.”

“I wish you were better equipped against me,” I slide down the wall. “This is so fucked up, I wish I could un-know that.”

“Is it so bad?” Harry’s gaze burns a hole through me. “Do you hate me?”

“No, I couldn’t...” how could I hate him when my intention the first night we ever met was to hook up with him. Things only changed when I met his best friend. “I don’t hate you, I just don’t know where we go from here.”

“I just need some space,” Harry says. “I think you probably need some too, now that that confession’s out of the box.”

“Shit,” I bury my face in my hands.

“I promise, we can go back to being best friends.” Harry continues. “I just need to figure out, where to put you. In my head...in my heart.”

I don’t say anything, I could barely look at him. To think he had this in him for as long as I’ve known him. It feels a bit like maybe I never knew him.

“I’ll be in the audience…break a leg Y/N.”

I hear the door close behind him but I can’t get up. I stay curled on the floor until a knock reminds me there’s 5 minutes ‘til positions. Shit.

I finish my hair and do some breathing exercises. I had to compartmentalize and use the emotions in the show just like my coach taught me.

“You’re okay,” I tell myself in the mirror. “You’re going to kill it. You’re okay. You can deal with everything later. Just do your best now.”

With one final breath I exit my room and get out there, putting on my best performance. And I guess the crazy heightened emotions help because the final reviews rave about my intensity. And while I curl up in bed that night sobbing myself to sleep, my inbox finally fills with open offers and auditions. This heartbreaking period opened a door to something new.

Two months later:

As a child, I always wanted to be in New York City during Christmas. Every movie made it look magical and wistful.

It was magical, in the right spots. And I couldn’t deny the magnetic pulse that surrounded the place. But it was also cold, incredibly cold, lonely, and dirty.

“Hey,” my roomate calls out when I enter our flat. Or apartment. “You got some mail I slipped it under your door.”

“Thanks,” I unwrap my massive scarf and heavy coat. “It’s so bloody cold out there.”

“It’s just starting,” she glances away from the TV to our window. Small flakes were starting to fall, it felt like looking at a snow globe.

She goes back to watching TV and I head to my room. It was smaller than the one I had back home but I’d decorated with fuzzy rugs and cozy comforters and furry blankets. And now I looked forward to it every day.

During the day I was practicing for my second ever show. After my intense performance on my last day, I was invited to audition for &Juliet which was moving to NYC. If they liked me, my flight would be paid for and I would join them in the Big Apple. Luckily, they liked me enough to offer one of the roles a couple weeks later. It wasn’t too major, but big enough that I had scenes throughout the musical. After what had happened the past months I thought fuck it and went.

It might seem like I was running away from my life but I saw it as a clean start. Big breakup, end of my show’s season, and a truth that shattered my core. I couldn’t stay in London.

I hadn’t told him. Harry. After everything I didn’t think I had to. He wanted space, I needed the same thing.

But it was lonely living in a new city with no connection to back home. Sure I talked to family and friends regularly, I hung out with my roomate and went out for drinks with my cast mates. But the people—the person who knew me better than I knew myself, well he was gone.

Frank had messaged me a few weeks ago when I posted on my story about New York. I didn’t have that big of a following but anyone who liked me in my last roles tended to stay on and follow my journey. So I used social media as an online journal.

It had been surprisingly courteous. He’d congratulated me, and said if he was ever in the city he would book tickets to see me. It was kind. And I don’t know if the shock of Harry’s truth was bigger than the breakup, or if enough time passed for me not to feel as hurt about it, but I liked talking to Frank just as a friend.

That’s what he asked me when we broke up—if we could still be friends. I thought it was so selfish and dickish to ask but now, I warmed up to the idea.

The opening show was booked for the beginning of January so I couldn’t go home for Christmas. I knew it was going to be lonely but a few of my castmates invited me to their Christmas eve dinner. It seemed like a lot of New York was made up of found family. I was still finding mine.

***

“Two weeks until our first show,” Nolan drops his head down on the table.

“You’ll get it,” Christa pats him on the back. “He’s just hard on you because he wants you to be your best.”

“That one fucking line!” Nolan kept missing his cue on his final line and it had been haunting him.

“What could help?” Ravi joins us with the coffees he promised. It was a 8am rehearsal today and we were all beat from last night’s rehearsal.

“I’m close to you,” I offer. “I could cue you somehow if it helps?”

“Yeah?” Nolan look up. “Maybe, let’s try that. Something subtle.”

“Yeah!” Christa lights up.

“Okay,” I feel good inside, having made a good contribution. Sometimes I felt like an outsider coming into this production so late, it felt like everyone was already familir with everyone else. And I had the least experience out of everyone. It was hard not to feel like an imposter.

“You’re a natural,” Ravi hands me a coffee. “Don’t worry too much Y/N. I see the gears turning in your head.”

“Yeah everyone already loves you.” Christa pipes in. “You gotta relax.”

“I try!” I roll back my shoulders. The role meant a lot to me. “I just want to do my best.”

“You are,” she lays a hand on my shoulder. “You know you’ll get told off if you weren’t.”

“So Y/N is joining us for Christmas?” Ravi asks.

“I think so?” Christa raises an eyebrow at me.

“Yeah,” I nod. “I’m not going home this year.”

“Feel free to invite a plus-one,” Christa says.

“Oh,” I plat with the lid of my cup. “Probably won’t.”

“No boyfriends?” Nolan asks. “Girlfriends?”

“Nolan,” Christa scolds. He shrugs.

“No I,” this was awkward. “I had a breakup before I finished my last show. I haven’t really been eager to jump into a new one.” Especially when Harry’s confession always lingers in the back of my mind. Damn him.

“You ran away.” Nolan states like it’s fact.

“No!” I argue. “It was like over a month later. Plus we started reconnecting again-“

“Nope. Don’t go there,” Christa warns. “Never walk back into the past.”

“My fiancé and I broke up once and we’re getting married next summer,” Ravi jumps in.

“Don’t listen to him,” Christa waves her hand in his face. “He’s an anomaly.”

“Who are you calling anomaly?” Ravi asks. We laugh as the insults go flying between them and a small part of me is relieved to not be on the outside looking in like I did when I first arrived.

“I’m not getting back together with him, plus there’s so much distance.” I reassure the group.

Plus Frank literally said he didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. After 5 years together, he’d fallen out of love somewhere along the way. It was hurtful, and I don’t think he would go back on his word. I don’t think I’d want to take him back anymore.

It hits me then, both of the boys I loved so dearly were lying along the way. One said he loved me even though deep inside he was falling out of love. The other loved me more than a friend, but only called me his best friend.

“You alright?” Nolan asks. The group had left me while I sat in thought, everyone was getting into places.

“Yeah,” I reach for his hand and he helps me up. “Just thinking.”

We get into place and with direction, begin rehearsal for the day. I get lost in it, one of my favourite things to do.

***

“Flowers!” One of the PAs drops a bouquet onto my table as I finish setting my makeup in place. All the moving and the harsh stage lighting made it sweaty, and I couldn’t risk my makeup running.

“I don’t think…” I stop as I notice it was my name on the card. Who would send me flowers on opening? My family already wished me luck on facetime and the few friends in the city were here for the show. I turn the card around.

I already know it’s going to be fantastic but break a leg anyway xx

I read it again. It sounded like Frank, he thought everything was fantastic. Maybe he remembered opening night.

I smell the flowers, another cast mate who shared my room strikes up a conversation about them and I finish my hair to it. We go out together and I feel my heart in my throat. The last time I had all my support in the second row. This time, they were an ocean away and my heart ached thinking about them.

Channel your emotions. Channel your emotions.

I repeat the mantra, and when it’s my cue I break out on stage and wait a beat. Then start my line.

I don’t have a moment to actually look at the audience until my second-last scene. That’s when I notice them. Frank. And Harry.

“Count…me in!” I stumble on a line. Shit. Shitshitshit.

I look back at Christa and continue our lines but her eyebrow dips for a moment and I know she caught it too. I just hoped our director wouldn’t point it out.

Harry and Frank were here. Harry and Frank were here? Don’t think about it. Can’t think about it.

“A strong woman,” I respond to Nolan. I nudge him like we’d practiced and his final line comes tumbling out. I send out a prayer that it was smooth.

I go off stage for a few until my next scene and catch my breath.

“What happened?” Nolan asks. “I thought I heard you almost forget a line.”

“I saw someone in the audience, wasn’t expecting…” i trail off as I hear my cue. “Talk later!”

I rush back on and finish up. It’s exhilerating and just like that I can’t believe our first show is done!

We stay on for the final bits, the final bow, and then I’m rushing to my room for my phone. Did Frank message me? Did I miss something?

But it’s empty.

The other girls in the room trickle in and we all congratulate each other. They go over some of their lines and areas they almost messed up in. I’m too distracted by everything to join fully.

I try to engage but I’m mostly wiping away my stage makeup so I can head out. I don’t know if I wanted to avoid who I just saw or find them.

If you avoid them, then you really are running away.

Ugh. I would have to find them some way. I leave Frank a message and go back to the conversation.

Eventually, with dread weighing me down, I agree to meet the boys where Frank texted me. They were staying at a hotel a few blocks away and there was a bar in the lobby they said was nice.

Frank stands as soon as he sees me, Harry’s back is to me so he’s slow to stand.

“Y/N you were bloody fantastic!” Frank wraps me in his arms and it’s been so long that I squeeze him extra hard. I missed him, or maybe I just missed being held.

“Thank you!” I say into his shoulder. I let go and look between the two. “What are you two doing here? You didn’t just come for me right? Because that’s insane. I…”

“Well kind of,” Frank admits.

“That’s…too much!” I imagine the cost of everything and cringe that they paid that much to see me.

“Well Harry started dating a pilot,” Frank says proudly. Harry doesn’t meet my eye. “So we practically flew for pennies!”

“Oh wow!” I lean into Frank’s arm around my back. It was probably bad, but it felt good here. Except for the massive awkward block that was Harry. “I don’t know what to say I really didn’t expect-“

“I know.” Frank laughs. I missed that laugh. “We caught you by surprise, I saw it on your face right Harry?”

“Yeah,” Harry forces a laugh. “We felt bad. Didn’t mean to catch you off guard.”

“It’s not the first time,” I tell him and he catches my double meaning because he stares at me. I raise my eyebrows and he looks away, back at Frank.

“Can I have a moment?” I turn to Frank. “With Harry?”

“Oh,” his face falls. “Of course.”

We stand awkwardly as Frank doesn’t leave. He looks to the side like he usually does when he’s trying to say something. “Look Y/N, I know after our breakup our group just fell apart. But don’t blame Harry. He was caught in the middle, he told me you were mad at him. Be mad at me instead-“

“Thanks. Frank.” Harry cuts his best friend off. “Don’t worry mate, we just need to talk.”

I keep my eyes trained on Harry as Frank moves away. I take his seat at the bar and wait for Harry to take his.

“Why are you here?” I ask.

“Why did you disappear?” He asks back.

“You wanted space. Wasn’t that good for us?”

“I meant time, like time away. Not move to bloody America.”

“Well I had an opportunity and I took it!”

“Yeah well,” Harry takes a swig of his drink. “I’m glad you did. You were phenomenal out there. I’m proud of you.”

My heart softens a bit when he says it, so does his face. I can’t take my eyes off him, he made me so mad but I missed him so much. This was the longest we’d been away from each other with no contact.

“I missed you,” he finally says just as I go in on him.

“How did you come here? With Frank? After what you told me?” I missed him too, but I wanted answers. How could someone be in love with their best friend’s girlfriend, and fool both parties by being so casual around them all the time. How could he look at Frank in the face???

“So I guess you didn’t miss me,” Harry tries teasing.

“Obviously I did. Not the point though.” I scowl when Harry smiles. But the smile relaxes his face and my heart skips a beat.

“He doesn’t know. Doesn’t need to know. Just like you didn’t need to until you forced it out of me. I didn’t do anything wrong Y/N. You can’t treat me like I did something awful, I just had feelings for you.”

Had.

“Okay,” I take Harry’s drink from his side since I hadn’t ordered mine yet and down it in one gulp. “You’re alright?”

“Yeah,” Harry takes the empty glass from me. “The space was good.”

“Okay,” I feel slightly offended, but I decide to ignore it. I find Frank by the window and wave him over. He comes back with a grin that I can’t help but mirror.

“So how’s the new job?” I ask him once we all find seats. We’d been talking back and forth online, I knew all about his life without me. He knew all about mine.

“Really good,” Frank lights up. “I finally get my own office! It’s small but nice! I’m getting a good feeling from my team too, it’s good.”

“Good feeling from the team?” Harry smirks at Frank and Frank blushes.

“What?” I look between then. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing,” Frank says quickly. “Harry thinks the team has a lot of good looking people. He’s trying to start a fire.”

“Ah,” I look at Harry but he’s staring at his drink. He was trying to start a fire, but it didn’t bother me. Although Frank and I never shared romantic updates, as time went on, the thought of him moving on felt less and less awful. Even though it was a bit bitter to think about, it was over.

“What’s with the pilot girlfriend? Where’d you find her?” I ask.

“Work conference, she was at the bar.” Harry tells me. “She flies a lot, but she’s funny. I like her.”

“Good,” I try to stay neutral even though a confusing wave of emotions washes up. “Good to know you’re still keeping that string of girlfriends.”

“Speaking of,” Harry ignores me and pulls his phone out of his jacket. “She’s free now. We have plans. It was good seeing you Y/N. We’ll catch dinner later?”

“Oh,” I wasn’t expecting him to leave so soon. “Yeah sure-“

“Yeah we’re here until Thursday.” Frank tells me. “If not tomorrow whenever you’re free.”

“Yeah!” I wasn’t expecting to be alone with Frank tonight.

“If it’s just the two of us,” Frank reaches over to my chair and pulls it closer. “Come in so I can hear you better.”

“Okay!” I felt confused, and lonely. And that was dangerous. I just couldn’t get drunk otherwise I might make bad decisions.

I stop Frank after another drink and tell him I should get home so I wasn’t hungover for tomorrow’s show.

But I’m so tired I fall asleep as soon as I get in bed. I want to sort out what just happened tonight but I save it for the daytime.

***

“You weren’t there for first show drinks!” My castmate calls out the next day. I was in to go over some lines and changes, and apparently mostly everyone had gone out for drinks to celebrate last night. I was too busy catching up my past.

“Had some guests in town,” I mumble.

“Guests?” Nolan asks curiously.

“Some friends came in to see the show,” I try to act casual.

“Just some friends? Flew halfway across the world? They’re just friends?”

“Need me some of those friends.”

“Well,” I had a bunch of nosy castmates. “One’s my ex. The other one is my best friend. Alright?”

“Alright now it gets juicy,” Christa comes up beside me. “I thought this ex was in the past-“

“Please don’t judge me,” I squirm. “Just…we were all catching up that’s all! Now. I’m going to go get ready.”

“Touchy,” I hear someone say as I head to my shared dressing room.

I didn’t want to discuss it with anyone because I didn’t know what to say. My ex came to town and it was dangerously good seeing him. My estranged best friend was also here, oh yeah he’s been in love with me the whole time, and then skipped out early for his girlfriend. Then why show up at all? Ugh. It was making me very confused and I had to focus.

It’s quick touch-ups and placement changes and then I’m on stage for our second show. It’s smoother and there are more people tonight. I loved the exhilarating feeling of being on stage. It was incomparable.

I politely decline Frank’s request for meeting up tonight with him and Harry, so he doesn’t have to play the third wheel. I needed some alone time and doing the shows was tiring.

I take a much needed shower at home and continue thinking about the show, the boys, and why I couldn’t stop obsessing over them!

After Sunday’s show, I agree to dinner with Harry and Frank. Apparently they’d been exploring the city, and Harry had gotten a new tattoo. He proudly displays it at dinner.

“Looks sore,” I appreciate the line design. Frank’s using the toilet and we peruse the menu while we wait.

“A bit but I’m taking care of it,” Harry flips over his menu.

“Your girlfriend isn’t joining?”

“I’m meeting up with her later,” Harry glances at me. “Why? D’you want to meet her or something?”

“N-no?” What the hell. “She probably won’t last long anyway, what’s the point.”

“Really, again Y/N?” Harry puts his menu down.

“What!? You never keep a girlfriend for very long. I meet one, then I’m meeting another.”

“Piss off,” his face turns pink and I’m surprised how easily this is getting under his skin. I always used to tease him about how quickly he turned over girlfriends. “The girlfriend jokes stopped being funny. And at least I’ve got a girlfriend.”

“What the hell?” Now it’s my turn to be offended. “I had a boyfriend. Long-term. As you would know. I think the way you put it…it helped you keep me friendzoned?”

“Why are you being such a bitch?” Harry stands just as Frank approaches our table.

“Hey hey what’s going on here?” His outstretched arm grasps Harry’s shoulder.

“Y/N’s being a bitch,” Harry says as I say “Harry’s a dick.”

“Woah,” Frank tries to get Harry back into his seat. “What happened to you two? You guys never actually fight c’mon Harry-“

“Just let him go,” I say as Harry whips his coat off the back of his chair.

“No! Harry man come on,” Frank steps in his way. “I don’t know why you two are so sensitive these days. What are you guys really fighting about?”

Harry and I make eye contact. He looks away first and just pushes Frank out of his way.

“What the hell?” Frank turns to me. “Y/N, he flew across the pond to see you why are you treating him like shite?”

That gets me, the guilt kicks in. “I don’t-he’s just so-ugh!” I quickly follow Harry’s steps and find him on his phone outside the restaurant.

“What do you want?” Harry asks when he spots me.

“I’m sorry,” I decide to be the bigger person. Harry came all this way, I don’t know why I was acting like this. “Come back to dinner.”

“I already texted my girlfriend—the one I’ll break up with soon anyway. Yeah, we have plans so I’m alright.“

“Harry,” I deserved that. “Really I’m sorry. I just…I don’t know how to be around you right now. We never talked after that confession you dropped on me and-“

“Well who’s fault is that?” Harry bites. And I know I’d struck a nerve. The Nerve. “You force me to tell you something and then you just abandon me afterwards-“

“Only after you abandoned me!” The gloves were off. “After Frank and I broke up I was so alone, you didn’t even text me!”

“I already told you, I was trying to reconcile everything myself!”

“You’re acting like being around me when I was single was a test of your self-control. Like you would just burn to touch me or something what the fuck? If it was so easy for you to be around us when Frank and I were dating, it should’ve been just as easy to support me as a friend. Isn’t that what it comes down to at the end of the day? We’re friends…and you just left me.”

I choke up and turn to face the road so Harry can’t see. The roads are wet with slush and backed up with cars that were permanently home between the yellow lines in this city.

“I’m sorry,” Harry says behind me. “I was a bad friend.”

“You were,” I tell him. I turn back around. “I just…I thought I knew you inside and out. I thought we could read each other’s minds with how well we knew each other. And turns out you were hiding such a big secret. Something like this, i-it’s confusing. I feel like I don’t know you.”

“You really never knew?” Suspicion creeps into his voice. “Never? It was complete news to you?”

“Yes!” I say truthfully. “You’re Frank’s best friend! You set us up. Life isn’t actually like Love, Actually.”

“Well it was for me Y/N I—fuck,” Harry leans back against the brick wall. “I didn’t want to tell you! I just needed some time and then I could go back to being your Harry. You just kept fucking pushing-“

“I wasn’t holding a gun to your head,” I argue. “You could’ve lied. You could’ve come up with any excuse-“

“You’d catch me in any lie I told.”

“Never caught you in the lie you’d been telling us for five years.”

We have a stare off as my words echo between us.

“I never lied.” Harry finally says. His phone chirps and he checks it, I watch as he types out a response.

“Lie of omission. Same thing.”

“You were never supposed to know. I was supposed to get over it.”

“And did you?” I ask before I can think. I don’t know if I even wanted an answer.

“Yeah,” Harry crossed his arms. “I told you I needed time. I missed you yeah, but luckily you left the whole fucking continent. I’m over it now.”

I don’t know what to say. After all that, he’d gotten over it. It felt a bit embarrassing, like I’d made a bigger deal than I needed too. But deep down my loneliness grew. Nobody wanted me. Not even Harry.

“Not like I had a chance anyway yeah?” Harry looks at me so intensely I have to look away. “It was always Frank for you.”

“Well you were never in the picture,” I say. I never knew he felt that way. He doesn’t say anything. “What?!”

“What’s that mean? I was never in the picture?”

“I dunno! I never saw you like that because I never knew you liked me.”

“Wait wait,” Harry leans in. “So you’re saying if I’d told you in the 5+ years you and Frank were dating. You might’ve dumped him to date me? You might have had feelings for your boyfriend’s best friend?”

“No! I…” I don’t know what I was saying. Would I have? I thought he was hot the first night we met. I’d seen him in class, he was smart and attractive. But Frank was my type when I met him so Harry was friendzoned immediately after.

“Now that’s fucked up,” Harry has the balls to be judgemental.

“Don’t judge me! I don’t know what I would do. And I’m only thinking about this after Frank and I have long been broken up. I never thought about you while we were together. Can’t say the same about you!”

Harry’s phone lights up again and he scans the text.

“Whatever Y/N. My girlfriend’s down the road, I’m meeting up with her. Since you don’t care to meet her, I’ll save you the trouble.”

He walks away from me without looking back. I stare after him, watch as he embraces someone and then he’s lost in the crowd. I feel a sob come up but I take a gulp of cold air instead and tamp it down. Harry wasn’t going to have this power over me. Fuck him.

“He’s gone?” Frank asks when I make my way back to him. He’d ordered us wine and I knock back the glass before I answer.

“Yeah, whatever. I apologized, he’s just…a dick.”

“He’s always got a soft spot for you. I’m just surprised. I’m sorry if this was my doing.” Frank looks puzzled. He was so innocent, he didn’t even know the truth. The trust he had was borderline pitiful.

And now I was being rude.

“It’s alright,” I pat his hand. “It’s just you and me again tonight. We’re good company.”

“Yeah,” Frank holds my hand. “But three’s company remember?”

“No so much these days…”

“Yeah,” Frank nods. “But no matter, I do love your company.”

I ignore the L-word and pour myself more wine. We order from the menu but I don’t have much of an appetite. I nibble at my food and take the rest to-go. We wind up at a bar and order more drinks while we continue talking.

Somehow we wind up back to the topic of Harry. And our friend group before we broke up.

“He’s still a serial dater,” Frank says with a candidness that revealed how drunk he was getting. “I don’t know why he’s looking for the perfect girl. I keep telling him the perfect girl is what you make her. But he’s got this bloody idea in his head and no girl lives up to her.”

“Did he tell you that?” I move in closer to hear Frank better, curious if he ever hinted at me.

“Not really,” Frank swishes the Guinness in his glass. “He met someone in uni apparently. But it didn’t work out. I told him he should contact her y’know? But he said she’s moved on, in a relationship. So i said get a fucking move on too right?”

“Mmm,” so he had told a white lie to his best friend.

“Y’know,” Frank lays a hand on my arm. “Y/N, we had something really good. Sometimes I second guess. I feel like I’m an idiot for letting a woman like you go. I still love you. I do. But it’s not that love from before. That wow love.”

It was shitty to hear but I knew what he meant. Our love had gotten comfortable. Like we’d been married 40+ years. When I had enough time to see clearly I’d realized too that wasn’t the kind of love I wanted. I just hadn’t been self-aware enough to see it.

“Yeah,” I say. Frank leans in closer to hear me. “I know what you mean.”

“Maybe if we’re still single in 30 years and we still have that love for each other. We can just get married.”

“Settle?” I ask.

“We’d be fifty!” Frank says. “It’s a good age to settle.”

I laugh. “Fine, deal.”

We link pinkies and maybe it’s the liquor (definitely the liquor) or feeling lonely for months (also the feeling lonely for months) but we lean in the rest of the way. Frank’s lips on mine are familiar, and I ache for more. I pull him deeper into the kiss and he pulls me in until I’m practically in his lap. I feel delirious, touch-starved for too long. All I want was for every inch of clothing to be on the floor.

“Let’s go back to yours,” I say when we take a moment to catch our breaths.

“Really?” Frank asks. “You sure?”

“Just two exes right? Nothing more?”

“Yeah,” Frank goes in for another kiss. “I’d like that.”

He grabs my hand and we stumble out, putting our jackets on against the icy cold as we stumble towards his hotel. If I was more sober maybe I would remember Christa’s warning of not to go backwards but I missed the feeling of being wanted. I missed Frank. And we agreed no strings. What was there to lose?

***

A loud noise wakes me out of my sleep. My eyes are crusted with sleep and I have a raging headache. Where the fuck was I?

I peel my eyes open to blinding light and immediately close them, turning my face into the pillow. The top of my head touches something, a body. The night rushes back just as a voice asks, “what the fuck is this?”

There’s a flurry of movement beside me and I peek open my eye. Harry stands by the TV with barely-concealed rage in his face. Fuck shit!

“Harry!” Frank’s groggy voice calls his best friend’s name with joy. “Good to see you’re back-“

“Is that Y/N? What happened last night? Why is she here?”

I sit up slowly with the comforter wrapped tightly around my torso.

“Uhhh,” Frank looks over at me. He doesn’t look guilty or regretful, somehow he just looks casual. And I sort of love him more for it. “Some fun?!”

Maybe it was casual fun for him, I realize. Meanwhile a bad mix of guilt and disgust churn away inside me. Not because of Frank, but because I’d used him whilst feeling lonely.

Harry looks in my direction and I would be dead on the spot if looks could kill. Who the fuck was he to judge?

“We’re consenting adults Harry,” my voice was rough. “It’s not your concern.”

“Yeah mate,” Frank reaches around for his underpants and dresses himself enough to stand up. “We can talk later about last night, you and me. But Y/N and I were just…finding comfort in the familiar. Right?”

“Yeah,” I answer Frank. “Just some casual fun.”

“Yeah,” Frank rummages in a drawer. “I’m hopping in the shower. Maybe we can all grab breakfast-“

“I should go,” I didn’t have a show tonight but I couldn’t stay here any longer.

“Alright,” Frank shrugs. “We’ll do something later.”

When he shuts the door behind him, the silence in the room becomes suffocating. Harry stands, pinching the bridge of his nose and I try to locate with my eyes where exactly my undergarments are. Ah, of course right by Harry’s feet.

“Um,” I clear my throat as I stand with the comforter wrapped around me. I point to the items. “D’you mind?”

Harry steps back in disgust and I reach for them. When he doesn’t turn around I raise my eyebrow and do a spinning motion with my hand. He rolls his eyes and turns.

“I can’t fucking believe you,” he finally speaks—no, spits out as I slip into my clothes. “How the fuck are you fooling around with Frank? Don’t play with him Y/N!”

“Play with him?” I zip my jeans on and return the comforter to the bed. “Play with him? Frank’s a grown man. We have history. I can bloody well sleep with him if I want!”

“Not like this!” Harry turns, eyes blazing. “Not after what you said yesterday to me!”

“What I said? After you asked a hypothetical? A hypothetical in retrospect? When you have been pining after his girlfriend for five years? Five years! And you have the gall to judge me!”

“I can’t help how I felt!” Harry steps closer. “Stop fucking holding that over me like I’m disgusting to have felt that! I stayed in my lane, you didn’t even know—that’s how much I stayed in my lane.”

He had a point. It was wrong, but on a technicality he didn’t do anything wrong. He takes my silence as a chance to continue chewing me out.

“You hint that you could’ve felt something for me last night and then you come and sleep with him? After everything? What are you doing Y/N? This isn’t you.”

“I’m doing whatever I want! You can’t control whatever I want to do based on whatever fucked up morals you’re using on your high horse!”

“My high horse!” Harry brushes my hand off when I touch his shoulder to keep distance. He was getting too close. “What do you want Y/N? You’re angry that I abandoned you, you’re angry I confessed a secret you pulled out of me, then you’re fucking your ex—my best friend, and judging me for my relationship history?”

“You’re way too close,” I push him gently by the shoulder.

“Oh you don’t like that? Both Frank and Harry close to Y/N again.”

“Fuck off!” I push him again, harder this time and he flicks my hands off.

I shove him with both hands but he’s hard to move. He grabs my wrist. “Is that what you wanted all along? Just both of us trailing after you? Do you get a power trip out if it? Do you want me to kiss you too? Maybe a quickie before Frank gets out of the shower? Is that why you did this? Because I said last night I didn’t think about you like that anymore?”

“Stop!” I finally manage to get my hand out of his grip. He looks down at my hand and then at my face. It drops, and he steps back.

I turn for my coat and catch a glimpse of my face. I was crying.

“Y/N don’t go-“ Harry calls out as I rush to the front door.

“You must forget,” I keep my hand on the doorknob as I tell him one last thing. “He broke up with me. I’m not stringing him along. I’m not sleeping with him to get to you. I…I don’t even know you anymore Harry…I don’t want to see you again. If you’re here ‘til Thursday, stay out of my way.”

I do the walk of shame to the subway and sit on the ride home, crying openly on the plastic seats. Nobody gave a fuck.

I don’t know what had gotten into Harry. But I don’t know why I gave in last night too. I wasn’t at a place emotionally to do this. Even though Harry’s words were his own projections one thing was true. His words last night did hit a chord, I did want to feel wanted. And Frank didn’t deserve that.

I had run away instead of facing my reality. And it had gotten me nowhere.

6 months later:

My flat feels bigger than it did. I also feel bigger in it. Most of my furniture was still in storage, I had movers coming tomorrow.

I was finally back to London this week. I was jet lagged as fuck, and cried at least once a day. I missed the life I made in New York, the family I made. Our show had ended a couple months ago. Somehow I’d booked a small role in a series I’d end up dead in after four episodes. I’d met an amazing guy there but we knew I was always moving back. We didn’t try long-distance, we just agreed it was right people wrong time.

In my remaining time in New York I learned to pivot from running away to facing my past. Frank and I had talked before he left back in January. Even though I told him nothing about what happened I had told him it was probably best we stopped contact for a while. I needed to focus on my present.

And I had. I focused on my career, on learning to be alone and exploring why I needed to be wanted. Learning to be happy by myself.

It was 6 months but it felt like years with how transformational it had been. New York city had changed my life but London was calling me back home.

I’d seen a couple friends since. One of them being from uni had told me about Harry. Apparently he had moved to Australia while his company was setting up offices there. A small part of me had held onto the hope of bumping into him in the city but I let it go when I hear the news. Maybe Harry and I were just going to live separate lives.

We never spoke after that day. It was hard to reconcile his actions with who I knew him to be. Over time I recognized we were both confused and hurting.

I loved him. It was simple. Maybe I always loved him. But I think it was a love that wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t hold out hope for him, and I made sure to minimize my heartache when I thought about the friendship I lost.

That love wasn’t the same way I loved Frank. With Harry I really did feel we were twin flames, we knew each other right to the darkest parts of out souls. With Frank we fit right. It was mutual respect and love.

I had dinner plans with Frank next week, the first time we were talking since January too. I heard from my friend he had a girlfriend, he seemed serious about her. I was really happy for him.

I ease into London life slowly. I had a few roles on small sets that I popped in and out of for work. I met up with friends and visited my family in the country. Summer sweltered on and the city welcomed me back home with a steady hum. Despite my initial feelings of growing out of all my friendships, I slowly surround myself by loved ones again and find my flow.

Autumn creeps in and I welcome the cool breeze on early set days. I drink countless coffees and grow into my own skin. I book more roles and finally feel secure, it feels amazing.

An old friend invited me to a Halloween party. Costumes not optional she texts.

Another friend and I decide to go as Marvel characters. I dress up as the Scarlett Witch

“Is that Y/N Y/L/N gracing us with her presence?” An old friend calls me out when we get there. It’s easy to get lost amongst old friends and everyone has a million questions about show business. When it gets overwhelming I excuse myself and take a lap, admiring the creativity in everyone’s costumes.

“Y/N you made it!” I look closer at the man in the makeup and realize it was Frank.

“Hey!” I wrap my arms around him. “You made it too!”

“Barely,” he points his thumb at the gorgeous woman beside him. She’s dressed as Rapunzel.

“You made him Flynn,” I say.

“Yeah!” She holds up her frying pan. “You must be Y/N, I’ve heard a lot about you!”

“That makes me nervous,” I grimace but we go in for a hug. “It’s so nice to meet you though! You two should win best couple costume!”

“This hair gel is making my scalp itchy. Like crazy.” Frank goes to touch his hair but his Rapunzel slaps his hand away which gets me laughing hysterically. They really embodied the characters.

“Hey,” Frank says once we get serious. “I dunno if you’ve seen him yet. Harry’s here though.”

“I-oh,” I catch my breath. I wasn’t expecting that. “He’s not…Australia?”

“No no, he came back a couple weeks ago. They’re done whatever project they were doing. So…you haven’t seen him?”

“No,” I glance around. “I don’t know if I want to. We haven’t talked since…”

“Just talk to him,” Frank says, suddenly intense. He grabs my arm and moves to the side, mouthing something to his girlfriend. Seeing him with her, I feel so distant from the girl who dated him I’m surprised we did for so long. “Y/N both of you need to make up. Look at us, we broke up after a long term relationship and we’re friends again. There’s nothing that you two can’t get over.”

“It’s not that simple,” I couldn’t out Harry so I mince my words. “Harry said some vile things. And…he’s not who I thought he was for all those years. It’s different!”

“Y/N,” Frank takes a deep breath. He looks to the side, and I can tell he’s choosing his words carefully. “I love the both of you. We’re all best mates, we used to do everything together. Three’s still company! And I want to see both of you happy-“

“I am happy-“

“Yeah but Harry’s a sore spot. Right?”

I roll my eyes. Of course we dated for so long, he knew how to read me.

“Exactly. Listen I know…I know it’s weird. We dated. And Harry’s my best friend. But whatever you two want to be, as long as the two of you are happy-“

“What?” Was he saying what I think he was saying? “What are you saying?”

“You don’t think I’m an idiot do you?” Frank asks and I shrug. He huffs before continuing. “I see the way he looks at you Y/N. I know he…it was weird at first. When I realized maybe my best friend liked my girlfriend. But that shit happens all the time. I confronted him once. He said he admired you a lot but it was nothing more than that. I let it go—I think it was easier for me to believe him than call him out on his lie and potentially ruin our friend-“

“So you know why we’re fighting?”

“Not exactly. But I guessed after I saw how angry Harry was. When he found us in bed…I put the pieces together. Sort of felt like it was my fault. That I was the reason you two were fighting. A part of me wasn’t ready to give you up though. I’m glad you made us take space.”

“Yeah…” There are so many thoughts running through my head and it’s hard to turn them into words. I just nod along.

“So you’ll try?” Frank asks.

“I-yeah. I’m just going to…step away” I pat Frank on the arm and walk away. I needed a quiet corner. I pass his girlfriend along the way and we smile cordially. I was happy for Frank. But I can’t believe he knew. Not the whole time, but deep down he did. Was I the only one who didn’t???

The way Harry looked at me. I remember. I never put much thought into it. We were best friends after all. But all along he had loved me from afar. And been there like a friend. It was stupid and crazy that he didn’t just cut me off to move on, but it was also sweet. Pathetically sweet.

I walk out of the flat and find the stairwell. There was finally some air to breathe; I drop my head onto my knees to take some deep breaths. What was I supposed to do now? I knew I had to see Harry sooner or later now that he was back in town. But what if he changed too? What if he has a girlfriend? Did I even want to risk our friendship and try to be something more?

What friendship, I remember. We had nothing right now. Our relationship was in shambles. We hadn’t spoken in 9 months.

“Ugh!” I shout and it echoes in the stairwell. I dust my costume off and open the door back to the hall but I come face to face with Doctor Strange instead. Well, Doctor Strange’s medallion.

“Oh. Hiya,” I saw awkwardly. Harry looked amazing. Even in his costume. He’s grown more handsome in our time away.

“Scarlet Witch,” he looks me up and down.

“Did you know? Is that why you’re Strange?”

“Honestly no,” he steps back. “I had a cape at home, and found a robe so I just went with it…”

“You just had a cape at home? Casually?”

“Yeah,” by now Harry is smiling and staring at me. We were having a casual conversation but his eyes were saying something else. He was really glad to see me. “I’m so glad I bumped into you.”

“In the stairwell,” I arch an eyebrow. “A bird named Frank didn’t tell you did he?”

“Hm,” he pretends to think before taking a Strange pose. “I looked at the possibilities of seeing you tonight and-“

“You’re such a nerd,” I put his arm down that’s waving circles in the air.

We fall into another silence and it’s a bit awkward. But my words are too far away to grasp any, I didn’t know what to say. There was too much and nothing at all suddenly.

“You went to Australia,” I settle on prying what he’s been up to.

“Yeah, yeah!” His eyes light up as he tells me about it. Apparently he’d gone with that girlfriend from New York—turns out she was Australian. They lived together for a bit but her schedule made it hard to go steady. I glean this info while he tells me about what he was doing there and how different the lifestyle was. “It surprised me. I really liked it. I think you would have too.”

“Seems lovely,” I smile. “You glow when you talk about it.”

Harry blushes. “Yeah I…it was the step away I needed. There’s a lot of bloody space in Australia, I just felt so free there.”

“I’m happy for you,” I say honestly. Harry actually seemed brand new. I ache a little that he’d done all this changing; what if I was a castaway in his big change.

“Yeah. Thanks.” He smiles, his dimples make an appearance. “M’glad to be home though.”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “Me too. I love America but I’m home on British soil.”

That makes Harry laugh. Then more silence. Jeez what could I say. This was so awkward!

“Should we go back in?” Harry nods to the door. I hesitate, I thought we were going to talk talk. Isn’t that why he found me out here?

Unless I really was in Harry’s past; he didn’t think we were worth reconciling. Maybe we were just going to be friendly now. Oh that hurts.

“Why not,” I walk ahead so I can mask my expression into something pleasant. I was Scarlet bloody Witch. Turns out Harry wasn’t the Vision I thought he was going to be. I was going to be fine.

“So you seeing anyone?” Harry asks casually as we walk back in. The noise is louder and I barely make his question out.

“Ah no,” I can’t look him in the eye. “Not right now.”

No comment from him. Oh my god I had to get away from this constant awkward energy.

“I’ll catch up with you later then? I see some friends there I haven’t spoken to…”

Harry looks to where I point. His brows furrow for a brief moment before he slips on an easy smile. “Talk later!”

I look for him a little later after I’ve cleared my head. I see him with Frank’s girlfriend. Was he in love with her now? The thought flashes in my brain so quickly I’m surprised by the emotion it pulls up. What was wrong with me!?

I had to slow down on the drinks. And maybe this headpiece was shrinking my brain cells. Why did I think such a horrible thought after Harry was so nice to me?

You’re jealous.

I couldn’t be though. Could I? This wasn’t the Harry I knew. How could I be?

I move towards where I remember the toilets to be. I could get out of this headpiece, splash some water on my face. Factory reset my stupid brain.

“Oh-‘scuse me!” I bump into someone—Harry coming out of the bathroom.

“Harry I-“ I turn back to where I swear I just saw him.

“Frank dropped cream cheese on my cape that menace,” Harry shows me the spot. “It barely came out.”

“Did you dab at it?” I inspect it. “Let’s see if we can get it out.”

He turns back and I follow him into the bathroom. I close the door and suddenly the loud noise muffles into a quieter environment. It emphasizes our silence.

“The cheese is like, in the threads.” I use my finger to scrub the cloth. “Frank can be so clumsy.”

“He’s like a child with finger foods,” Harry says. His voice rumbles through his chest to me. It’s then I realize, he was nearly touching it to my back—I’d draped his cape over the both of us.

I blink up at him and he must realize because he steps back. “Sorry, let me take this off. Might be easier.”

“No that’s alright,” I say but I take it from him happily detached.

He watches me clean it after offering assistance and being rejected. I was used to spot cleaning things out of my costumes, I’d gotten good at it.

“Here you go,” I give it to him after dabbing it as dry as I could.

“Wow, thank you.” He examines the spot. “That’s nearly gone.”

“Nearly?” I squint at it and he laughs.

“Yeah it’s gone, you’re the wizard!” He extends the cape over my shoulders.

“Actually it should be sorcerer,” I say. “I’ve already got a cape!”

“But it’s so short!”

“Fine,” I pull it tighter around my shoulders and the comfort of Harry it carried. “I’ll keep this on! See ya!”

He laughs but when I go for the door he stops me. “Wait. Y/N wait. Wait. Is…is this how we’re going to be?”

“Huh?” I turn back to him. “Is this how we’re going to be??”

“Yeah like, polite. And you trying to escape me every ten minutes.”

Oh. He noticed.

“Uhm, no?”

“Is that a question?”

“Well,” I bite my lip. I was nervous suddenly, facing this very confident and confrontational and cute as hell Harry. “How do you want to be?”

“How we used to? Best friends?”

“I mean, can we? After everything?”

“I hope so,” Harry runs a hand down his face. “I was too proud the last time you saw me. I said some stuff I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry for what I did to you.”

“No I’m sorry,” I confess, relieved to be able to. “If you were too proud, then I was too confused. I didn’t know what I wanted. I lashed out too, and some of the stuff you said was right.”

“Was it? Say that again please?” Harry gives me a cheeky grin.

“Shut up!“ I hit him on the chest playfully. “That isn’t going to get a repeat.”

“Too bad,” Harry pretends to look upset.

We fall into silence once more but it’s not as awkward. The room is small we just sort of study each other.

“So, friends again?” Harry holds his hand out.

“C’mere you idiot,” I take the step forward and wrap my arms around his waist. I fit here. Right here. Oh my god I missed this.

“Y/N,” Harry squeezes me. “I miss us.”

“I know,” I squeeze him back. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad you forgave me,” he whispers back to me.

“I’m glad you forgave me,” I whisper back.

A knock on the door breaks up apart. But we stay arm’s length from one another.

“I can tell you’ve changed,” he taps a knuckle to my nose. “I’m proud of you Y/N. I saw you on TV when I came back. I jumped up so quickly I scared my mum.”

“Aw.” I try not to blush. “You’ve changed too. I like this calm and collected and mature Harry. He’s cool!”

“I was always calm and collected and mature,” Harry says as I open the door. The person on the other side looks between both of us but we’re too busy bantering to notice.

“You think burping at me is funny.”

“It is!” Harry wraps both his arms around my shoulder from behind as we walk.

“So you haven’t actually changed,” I look up at him behind me. “Good to know.”

“Look at us,” Harry says. “Two nexus beings finding each other again.”

“We’ve just altered the timeline becoming friends again!” I laugh.

We bump into Frank then, and he looks visibly relieved that we made up. I can tell by the way he studies us he’s trying to figure out if anything more happened but as Harry keeps his arm draped around me, and teases me like before, I watch his expression clear as he realizes we just made up as friends.

It’s not disappointing. I missed Harry more than I thought, just being able to laugh with him means more to me than any kiss would. I stare at him longer than I should, and when he holds my hand as we leave the party my stomach flutters. But I don’t think too hard about it. He was back in my life. I was happy.

2 months later:

“I brought the good stuff,” Harry holds up three bottles of wine in my doorway.

“Then you better hurry in!” I open the door wider to let him in.

“These are for the lovely host,” Harry hands me a bouquet of flowers when I meet him in the kitchen.

“Oh my god,” I bury my face in them. “These are so lovely. Thank you H.”

I lean up to kiss his cheek. These were the little things that always took me by surprise when Harry did them ever since we started talking again. It reminded me that he did some growing while we were apart.

Not that the old Harry wouldn’t have got me flowers. But he wouldn’t have thought to bring them for me for our belated Christmas party. It was hard to explain, the changes were subtle but Harry was growing into a man. Finally.

“What are you smiling about?” Harry asks.

“I’m making fun of you in my head,” I tell him as I bring out a vase for the flowers.

“Stop that,” he surveys my dinner table. “Or I’ll take those flowers back.”

“No,” I hold them close. “Can you help out with the roast? It just needs to be taken out of the oven.”

“Yeah!” Harry helps me finish up the dinner. It was the week between Christmas and New Year’s and I’d wanted to throw a Christmas dinner for my friends. He agreed to come early for this, but we finish quicker and have a half hour to spare.

“So Y/N,” Harry says suddenly serious after we sit for a break. I still had to get into my outfit but I had to catch my breath first.

“So Harry,” I joke to ease the serious undertone that had creeped in. I stretch my legs out on the sofa. Harry sits on the floor beside me, so I turn to my side so we’re at eye-level.

“Did you hear about Frank?” Harry picks at a stray fibre on the cushion.

“Frank? No? What happened?!”

“Ah,” he leans back and closes his eyes. He says more to himself: “Of course.”

“The suspense is killing me here! Is he cancelling or something?”

I’d only invited Harry, Frank and his girlfriend, my neighbour, and 3 others. Already my neighbour cancelled for being sick. I had too much food for another cancellation.

“He’s engaged Y/N,” Harry finally looks at me. “He proposed on Christmas Eve.”

“Oh!” I stare at Harry, frozen as a roller coaster of emotions rides through my system in 10 seconds. It had been 5 days. “Wha-why didn’t he tell me?”

“I dunno, maybe he was going to tell you in person today?”

“Did he tell you in person?”

“No,” he places a hand on my leg. “He sent a picture. But maybe it’s just given your guys’ history-“

“But we’re old news. History. Literal history. Does he think I’ll be offended?”

“Are you offended?”

I pause. “That he didn’t tell me yeah a bit.”

“Y/N,” Harry shakes my leg. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah I-“ I think about it before I answer. I wasn’t jealous. Frank and I were over. His new girlfriend clearly made him happy—he found what he wanted.

“What?” Harry asks gently.

“I’m not jealous or anything. I don’t care but a small part of me looks back on us and is like…if he wanted to he would. Right?”

“Half your relationship happened when you two were students,” Harry knew what I was talking about.

“That’s true. But we had years after too. It just makes me think how long we held onto each other because we didn’t know better. It took him less than a year to propose to her!”

“Don’t look at it like wasted time-“

“I’m not!” I reassure him. “It was some of the greatest moments of my early 20s with the three of us. I guess when you know, you know.”

“Yeah,” Harry had started rubbing my leg to soothe me. “Good. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah. M’good thanks for telling me beforehand. You’re a good friend.”

If he hadn’t, I know it would have gotten awkward. Because even though I truly was happy for them, it was a bit awkward to find out and react live like that.

“Just pretend it’s the first time you heard when he tells you?” Harry asks.

“Yeah I won’t blow your cover.” I smile. He doesn’t smile back.

“You’re really over him?” he asks instead. “It doesn’t bother you at all?”

I only realize how seriously he is when I look at him, he still believed I was hung up over Frank?

“Harry what? You know I’m over that. We broke up over a year ago-“

“Yeah but when we came to see you-“

“Oh my god that was just two exes finding comfort in each other! We were both obviously lonely. And confused probably.”

I laugh but Harry doesn’t. His hand on my leg stops and so I lay mine on top of his.

We both know why Harry’s so invested, he’s showing me he still cares. But neither of us make a move. I don’t know why we were equally scared, but we stay that way.

Until my phone buzzes. We jump apart at the sudden sound and I scramble for it to help with the obvious tension that had just filled the air.

“Everyone’s nearly here!” I get up. “I need to get ready! Can you let them in when they arrive?”

“Sure. Yeah, get ready.” Harry waves me off. I rush to my room and slip into the sweater dress I’d left out. I do a quick mascara and blush as I hear the guests arrive. When I come out everyone has a glass of wine and I greet them all with a hug.

“I’m so happy everyone could make it!” I say to the small group. I point out the appetizers and get to mingling. Everyone gets along well and I happily host with some help from Harry. I can sense Frank and his girlfriend, or now fiancé, eyeing me.

At the dinner table everyone tucks in. The drinks flow and so does the conversation. Until Frank clears his throat.

“We have some news,” Frank says. We all look expectantly at him and he holds up his fiancé’s hand. “We got engaged.”

“Oh my gosh! Congratulations!” I gush, with just enough enthusiasm that I can see them visibly relax. Everyone fawns over the ring. I get up to hug them both and say another congrats. I make eye contact with Harry as I sit back down and he anchors me. He was the reason things stay awkward-free. I loved him for that.

The night continues and by the time it’s midnight mostly everyone is drunk. They file out slowly and I’m left with the usual three. Well, four now.

“So when did you tell her?” Frank asks when his fiancé excuses herself before they leave.

“What?” Harry asks.

“Tell me what?” I act equally confused.

“C’mon you two. Harry you told her before we came right?”

“Tell me what?” I ask.

“My news! My engagement! I’m not crazy I know you told her.”

“I didn’t say a word mate,” Harry swears. “Why would I tell her your news?”

Frank looks at me suspiciously but I put on my best innocent face. He shakes his head when we hears his fiancé come back and they leave with a final hug. As soon as the door closes behind them, Harry and I break out into a fit of giggles.

“D’you think he bought it?” Harry whispers.

“I don’t think so.” I whisper back.

“Why are we whispering?”

“I don’t know!” this sends me into another round of laughter.

“Harry I need to get hydrated and go to bed,” I wipe my tears away when I get ahold of myself. “I’m losing it.”

“Here,” Harry gets up from where we’d crouched down to and helps me up. I lean into his chest as we have one last chuckle.

“You get yourself cleaned and I’ll clean up here.”

“No!” I wave his help away. “I’ll clean tomorrow. You can pour another drink if you want. But don’t worry about the mess!”

“Just get in there,” Harry pushes me to the bathroom and I don’t have any fight left in me. I can hear him loading the dishes and I thank the universe for giving me someone like him.

By the time I scrub my day off and change into cozy flannels, Harry had loaded the dishes, put away any leftover food that hadn’t been given away, and wiped down the counters.

“You. Are. An angel.” I put my hands on either side of his face. “I love you.”

The words come out quicker than I could process. We both freeze.

“Uhh,” he coughs out a laugh. I drop my hands. “I am an angel aren’t I?”

“Tonight yeah,” so we were going to play the avoidance card.

It’s not like I’d never said those words to him before. I’d said it a million times. But not since before.

“I’ll just use the toilet myself, before I go.”

“Oh yeah,” I move aside so he can go past. I didn’t want him to go, yet things had taken a turn for the awkward and I felt an anxious energy flood me.

I pick at the dinner table, gathering the spare decorations I’d placed. Giving my hands something to do because Harry was going to come out any second now and I’d have to look him in the face after the moment we just had.

What was wrong with us? We obviously liked the other person! No one was making the first move and everything was just suspended in jello!

That does it, I decide. I was going to give him a piece of my mind!!

“Y/N,” Harry had come out while I was lost in thought. He stands on the other side of the table.

“Are you leaving?” I accuse.

“I was.” He licks his lips and looks away. “But I can’t leave like this. Look.”

He walks around to me and holds me hand. “You know I love you. With my whole heart. I don’t know why I was so weird back then.”

He cups my face, the same way I did before and my mental declarations fall like the last leaves of November. “I love you.”

An emotion sticks in my throat and I try to push it down to ask him as what? What did he love me as? I needed to know. But it’s too big to go down, and my eyes well with tears instead.

“C’mon,” he wipes a stray tear with his thumb. “I’ve said it a million times. You’re not crying are ya?”

“No,” I say as more tears streak down my face. My lip juts out and it makes Harry laugh. He wraps me into him.

“When did you become such a baby?”

“I’m not a baby!” I say into his chest.

“Shh you big baby,” he pats my hair down and it makes me giggle. He pulls me away and grins, he looks extraordinarily beautiful in this moment and I feel my breath catch. “We got a laugh out of her!”

“Leave me alone,” I cross my arms.

His smile fades. “D’you want me to?”

“No!” I hug him again. “I like it here.”

“Y/N-“ he hesitates. I lift my face to look up, resting my chin on his chest. “I can’t lose you again.”

He was rejecting me. He wanted to stay friends. Oh. The tears threaten up again and I take a step back. “Oh.”

“No no,” he pulls me back. “Listen to me. I can’t lose you again. D’you understand?”

His serious gaze disrupts a migration of butterflies somewhere inside me. When did my Harry become this handsome gentleman?

When you let him go.

I battle my thoughts as they try sabotage the good thing in front of me.

“What?” Harry cups my cheek. He knew the internal battle going on of course.

“I don’t,” I close my eyes against his gentle touch. “I don’t want to hold you back.”

“Are you mental? You make me want to be better Y/N. I wouldn’t be who I am without you.”

“Really?” I ask. His forehead touches mine.

“Really,” he swipes another tear that had fallen without permission. “You’re everything to me Y/N. I want you to be around all the time. You don’t know how many times when I was in Australia I wanted to pick up my phone and send you something I knew you would find funny. It was painful every time I could. I don’t ever want to lose you ever again.”

“Me neither,” I blubber. I felt the same way when I was in America.

“You’re crying a lot for a nice moment,” Harry teases. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes!” I cry/laugh. “I don’t know why I’m being so emotional!”

He presses his lips gently to my cheeks. I’m light-headed as his lips move down to my own. I’ve never felt more complete than in this moment. I’ve never felt more whole in my life. It feels like coming home after a long journey, like finding your person in a crowd and saying ah there you are. It was better than being on stage with the sound of applause deafening your eardrums. It was everything.

1-ish year later:

Harry clutches my hand as we rush to the church, running late because he had woken up with a blemish that he’d made worse the more he tried to take care of it. I tried not to get annoyed, instead I lent him some makeup and we panicked all the way here.

“Has it started?” Harry shouts back at me as we climb the steps. I check the time, by some miracle we were only 6 minutes late.

“Probably!” I say. I was disgustingly out of breath but Harry waits for me at the top. We enter the lobby and peek into the ceremony. Frank stands up front but there’s buzzing in the pews. “Oh thank god!”

“Perfect place to do it,” Harry jokes as he opens the door and we walk in. Frank looks relieved when he spots his best man walking to him. He waves at me and I mouth good luck to him.

I wish Harry was beside me as the ceremony starts. Frank tears up as his bride walks up the aisle and it’s crazy to me how I once upon a time thought that would be me walking up to him one day. Harry catches my eye and squints, I was tearing up. Because now I imagined walking up to him one day. The true love of my life.

Vows are exchanged and the newlyweds dance down the aisle. We see them off and when I turn to Harry he kisses me with a ferocious passion.

“Woah,” I pat his tie when I catch my breath. “What was that for?”

“I just love you so much,” he kisses my forehead. “I’m going to marry you one day.”

I melt at his words, it had been over a year since we got together but I fell more and more in love with him every day. I can’t believe he was right there all along and I found him so late.

“Let’s get in there and do it now,” I say mock-seriously. But Harry believes me.

“Really? Now?!”

“No,” I peck his cheek. “But I’m just waiting for the question. Then I will happily marry you anywhere.”

“There’s a question?” Harry plays stupid.

“I’ll let you figure that one out!” I walk down the steps towards our ride. We had a reception to get to. On time.

The reception is at a gorgeous venue nearby that sparkles on every surface. I congratulate the newlyweds a million times and watch my drink since I told Harry he didn’t have to drive. He was a funny drunk, very affectionate, and I didn’t mind.

“There’s my future wife,” Harry locates me near the end of the night.

“We were just dancing together,” I put my arm around him.

“Itsa last slow song,” he pulls me to the dancefloor where all the couples sway with each other. I put my arms around Harry and do the same b

“You’re pretty drunk,” I whisper in his ear.

“I know. Last drink.” He slurs. “Y’know I love you s’much. I’m keeping you forever.”

“That’s a relief,” I tease. “I thought we had an expiry.”

“No!” Harry pulls back enough to look at me. “Never!”

“I know,” I twirl the hair at the nape of his neck. “It’s forever.”

“Yeah,” Harry gazes at me lovingly and I admire him the same.

“I’m so lucky to have you,” I tell him. “I’m so lucky you stuck around.”

“I’m the lucky one,” Harry slurs.

“Let’s dance,” I rest my head on his chest and we continue swaying. His heart beats steadily underneath and I’m so grateful for him. I feel like going back just to tell myself that I would be dancing romantically with my best friend at my boyfriend’s wedding in a few year’s time. That everything I knew was about to crumble underneath me but I would build it back up stronger than ever. I wish I could tell her to not be afraid, two was company and it would be the best kind yet.

[linophrynelight]

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Legendary: Success]

Kim stands outside the back door of Precinct 41, smoking. Jean walks up next to him and lights a cigarette. He takes a deep drag and hesitates for a long, tense moment before opening his mouth.

"We need to talk."

"Yes we do," Kim replies. The lieutenant's words are quick and ready like a loaded pistol. "Your actions earlier were highly unprofessional. I understand that you still don't believe Harry has changed, but you can't speak to him like that in front of the other officers. Give him a chance to prove himself -- or at least, keep your feelings to yourself so the rest of the precinct can."

Jean frowns as the two make eye contact. Kim's voice is calm and professionally cold, but the fire in his eyes betrays him. They're full of anger, defensiveness, overshadowed by a tender protectiveness.

It's a look that's painfully familiar.

Jean maintains eye contact. "How long has Harry been sober this time?"

"Three months. You already know this, he stopped cold turkey the day after he lost his memory."

"I was just wondering if he'd slipped up yet." Jean looks down at his cigarette and ashes it. "Figured if anyone knew, it'd be you. I've known him for almost five years now, and I've lost track of how many times he's tried to go sober. He usually falls off the wagon by now, but the longest he's gone without a drink is six months."

Jean looks up again. "You haven't seen the full cycle yet, you've only seen him on the upswing. The longer he's sober, the harder he'll relapse. He won't realize how much his tolerance has gone down, and he'll be furious at himself, and the world, and at you for trying to help him. Look."

Jean leans over and parts the hair on the side of his head to reveal a scar. It's still pink, hasn't yet faded to silver against his pale skin.

"That last time, he was doing okay until a particularly difficult case. He was placed on leave for a week. I was worried about him -- what he might do without work to keep him busy. I stopped by his apartment to check on him."

Jean hesitates. "He was naked, covered in vomit. Too drunk to talk. Just kept mumbling "fuck you" and "lemme die" as I cleaned him up. After half an hour of trying to get him out of the tub I finally snapped at him, knowing he wouldn't remember anything I said anyway. I think I told him he's an asshole for always making his feelings everyone else's problem. He punched me, and I fell back and hit my head on the corner of the sink."

He takes a deep breath, glaring at nothing on the ground in front of him, then continues. "Of course he didn't remember anything the next day. He said sorry a million times but it was clear he couldn't quite wrap his head around the idea that it had actually happened."

"It was like that every time he went too hard on the drink. He'd scream, make threats, sometimes hurt people. You've heard about the case with the two drunks, right? Then once it's over, the monster who did all those things is just gone. Harry is back, with nothing but tearful apologies and heartfelt promises that he'll never do any of it again."

Jean finally looks up again. Kim's shoulders are still tense but his expression has gone from angry to unreadable. He was ready for a fight, not this.

"I stuck by that asshole's side for years. I told myself that he would get better someday. That those times he saved my life somehow made up for the way he treated me during his benders, and that the apologies really meant something even though I knew he was just going to get drunk and do it again. And every time he would hate himself a little more. And then he'd drown that hatred with even more alcohol."

Jean takes one last drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out on his shoe. "The thing with alcoholics is... Once they've given up on themselves, you have no choice. You have to give up on them too. For your own sake. If you try to run their lives for them, to pick up the slack whenever their addiction makes them drop the ball on something, you'll only end up enabling them. I did that for too long. And now you're trying to tell me that after I finally accepted the truth and let go, this is the time he finally got his shit together? I don't believe it."

Kim is silent for a while. He looks down at his cigarette, burnt down to the filter. He stubs it out and tosses it into a nearby trashcan, then he looks up at Jean. "I'm very sorry you had to go through that," he says carefully. The anger in his voice is gone. "It must have been incredibly difficult. I don't blame you for hitting your limit. But... I think this time really is different."

"I hope you're right, but unless-" Jean's voice cracks suddenly, surprising himself. "I can't trust him unless I know he's finally changed."

"Only time will tell," Kim says quietly.

[lovevalley45]

bein a bit of an angst/whump lover is so hard sometimes bc i see smth Angsty and Juicy n have to fight the urge to call some fucked up shit my beloved,,, even though it's true

[rosebouquets]

I’m actually so scared to put my fic out into the world because I can keep it safe and love it if it stays in my docs. I know it isn’t the best written but I love it and I need if I actually put it on ao3 for everyone else to love it too

[periwinkle-the-11th]

“Okay,” Michael said placatingly. “Why do you think he told me he killed Lockhart then? Along with a man named Quirrell and a ‘Dark Lord’ he calls Timmy?”

Veritaserum - Severitus812 - Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling [Archive of Our Own]

[freohrweohnatakausta]

//have some angst, as a treat

Yer A Witch, Gura future chapter stuff that I had to write out

---

It was the little things that added up. The whisper of feet, a clock ticking out of rhythm, whoosh of air without a breeze, mutterings from people.

It was the little things that added up to try and make me insane. If I weren’t already, it would’ve worked.

Bubba whined at my feet as I punched the wall, watching golden shimmers in the air flicker and fade.

“She has to be here, there’s no reason why she’s not!” Bubba whined again and rubbed up against my legs. I reached down to pat his head. “I’m sure she misses you, too, Bubba. There has to be a reason why she’s avoiding me.”

-

The boggart was here. Neville had gone, stirring up the class’s laughter. It was a game now, who could make their fears seem more hilarious.

I feared what mine was going to be.

I stayed out of it, Lupin took note.

Class ended; my eyes never left the cabinet. The boggart went back into the cabinet for a final time- it didn’t explode. Lupin assigned homework and sent us on our merry way. I stayed behind, said something to assure Harry and the others. They sent me another glance but left all the same.

“Miss Gawr,” Lupin said.

“Professor,” I replied.

“There a reason why you decided to sit this one out?”

“Didn’t want to traumatize the kids. I’m gonna take my turn now, though.”

Lupin nodded and prepared himself to open the door. I got myself ready in front, and nodded at him. The doors opened.

“You will never be Gura.”

My breath hitched, ice flooded my veins, and I froze.

“Don’t think nobody notices.”

“You will never be her.”

I wanted to scream, to shout.

I stood there blankly, unseeing of the four forms in front of me. My breaths came out unevenly.

“Liar.”

“Fraud.”

“Imposter.”

“Sham.”

“You were never her in the first place. Drop the façade. It’s not hiding anything, anyway.”

I collapsed to my knees, unfeeling.

“You will never find her. She doesn’t want to be around you, faker. You’re the reason why-”

Silence.

The cabinet closed.

Lupin looked down at me, preparing to say something.

Water consumed my vision. I wanted to be anywhere but here.

[drarryspecificrecs]

2024.06 ~ Top 10 longest fics posted on AO3

1. When you are ready to go on... but you go back by Sakura521 [M, 175k]

►After the battle of Hogwarts ended Harry thought he could finally be done with all the drama and just have some quiet and peace, but when a freak accident strickes him down he really thinks it would be permanent this time... But he wakes up again in a otherworldly place he rolls with it and goes back in time in hopes to fix everything and no one has to die except the really bad guys. [...] Harry Potter will save everyone and make sure all his loved ones lives a perfect happy life. And if he finds something special for him too, well, he is the savior after all.

2. Beholden by @faith2wood [E, 123k]

►Draco Malfoy might not be a killer, but it turns out he's an effective painkiller. If stopping pain was all Draco's touch did, things might not be so complicated, but either way Harry can't afford to be choosy.

3. Return to Sender by @draykray [E, 113k]

►While dealing with the repercussions of his father's imprisonment, Draco Malfoy receives a desperate letter from his arch-nemesis, Harry Potter. He replies, careful to keep himself anonymous, but their tenuous correspondence can only last so long as sixth year approaches, and with it, all the trouble Draco has been so carefully avoiding.

4. The BFF Plot (Harry Potter RWRB) by Gingit [E, 107k]

►Harry and Draco are forced to pretend to be friends after a little... incident at a fundraising gala involving a cake and a little too much alcohol. Neither of them is happy with the arrangement, but their respective senses of duty to family and an electoral campaign keep them both cooperative. As they reluctantly get to know each other better, they learn that maybe they have more in common than they thought, and the pretend friendship turns into something more. [...]

5. Alliges Duplicia: Bound by @talesfromanuntoldstory​ [E, 102k]

►Harry and Draco both go back to Hogwarts for the 8th year. Harry goes because he skipped his 7th year, and Draco goes because he failed his. They get stuck working together on a Potion’s project because they both skipped the same class in which pairs were chosen. Due to the clumsiness of another student, their brilliant work turns into a disaster when, somehow, their magical energies get bonded together, which forces them to stay in close proximity to each other. [...]

6. To What We Owe Our Miseries by @writandromance [?, 100k]

►A rare Daily Prophet honour, bestowed upon both Harry and Ginny, disturbs the dependable routine of their lives between league competitions. [...] The arrival of Blaise Zabini, a fellow honouree, catches Ginny’s attention when no one else can. Harry’s thrilled for her, but the matchmaking would be much more painless if he didn’t have to endure the constant presence of Blaise’s companion, the inexpressive, pejorative Draco Malfoy.

7. Reasons to Trust by @alcohen [M, 89k]

►Of all the possible ways to redeem himself in his own eyes, Draco Malfoy chose to become a therapist. Rebuilding one’s self-esteem isn’t an easy thing, though, and the real turning point comes when he runs into Harry at a gay bar, and, to Draco’s surprise, he doesn’t seem to hate him anymore. /// This is a story about finding acceptance, gaining and then losing trust, and ultimately choosing to rebuild it from the ashes.

8. Enduring by @mykkitno [E, 88k]

►During Yule of Harry’s fifth year, he finds something in the Chamber of Secrets that answers questions he hadn’t realized he had, but he keeps the knowledge hidden until he can’t anymore. Resorting to Dark Magic isn’t something he thought he’d do, but the changes it wrought aren’t ones he regrets because the alternative would have made things worse.

9. Nightmare by chrysaetius [T, 82k]

►After the war, some of the students have returned to Hogwarts for the 8th year. Students who had their own common rooms and dormitories have been coupled as roommates due to McGonagall's excuse of 'uniting the houses'. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy have started sharing a room. They try to ignore each other despite the mutual hatred. Harry has nightmares at night and he's not able to move past them. One of these nights, Draco decides he's had enough and tries to wake Harry. However, he suddenly finds himself in Harry's dream. Or rather, his nightmare.

10. Narcissa Malfoy, Fairy Godmother by @duchessdulce [T, 81k]

►Narcissa was a pureblood supremacist. Narcissa had a Muggle friend. These things were both true. /// Also: It’s fifth year for Harry Potter, and Malfoy’s eleven-year-old cousin has just started at Hogwarts. When Harry begins to suspect that the girl is actually Muggleborn, he can’t rest until he finds out what Malfoy is really up to.

※ HONOURABLE MENTIONS :

11. The Truest Lie by Zoythren [M, 43k]

►Harry knows something is wrong with Malfoy and he intends to find out what. He expects it to be a Dark Mark on his arm, and a horrible task. What he doesn't expect is finding a Draco Malfoy that is almost impossible to stay away from. What he doesn't expect to find his for his school rival to show him all the truths no one else dares to say out loud. What he doesn't expect to find ... is everything.

—

※ Word count: 1k ~ 15k

※ Word count: 15k ~ 40k

Ballad of the Mantis by @tessacrowley [E, 27k]

The Dangers of a Muggle Flat by Justlikewriting [M, 21k]

Eternal Reunion by Splashstorm [E, 38k]

Think of Home by SpicyNoodleJun [G, 36k]

i was having visions of sugared pastry (cooked up in clarified butter) by infectiousdisease, solifuge [M, 33k]

Protego Fragor by nutmeg223344 [G, 22k]

Sweet Lies by L_hyuga [E, 17k]

your braids like a pattern by @hoko-onchi-writes [E, 31k]

—

Ongoing Fest/Exchange

※ Fics would be listed elsewhere.

Buddy Fic Challenge (1)

HD Mpreg 2024 | @harrydracompreg

HP Daddy Knows Best 2024 | @hpdaddyknowsbest (1)

HP Trans Fest 2024 | @hptransfest (1)

Hurt Comfort Exchange 2024 (1)

Lights Camera Drarry 2024 | @lcdrarry

Severitus Big Bang 2024 | @severitus-big-bang (1)

Siriusly Hozier Fest | @imsiriuslyreading (1)

[sitp-recs]

Hello! I saw your last rec for Draco being whipped for Harry. Would you have any recs for the reverse situation? Harry being absolutely smitten for Draco. I love when it's mostly from Harry POV and Draco is driving him mad. Does anything come to mind? Thank you for your lovely recs and your presence in the fandom, it's a blessing! 💜

Yes of course! I feel like I did quite a few lists for pining Harry so this one will focus on smitten Harry told from his own pov. I tried to mix old favorites with fics I don’t see recced often. I’d highly recommend checking @tackytigerfic, @bixgirl1 and ignatiustrout as they all explore this trope so beautifully!

Take A Stab At It by @sorrybutblog (E, 3k)

It’s a bit pathetic, Harry knows, to have a hard-on for the guy who bullied you in school. Kind of cliché to look back on years of obsession and hatred and think, Oh.

Hourglass Heart by bixgirl1 (E, 5k)

It only happened once — depending on how Harry counted.

Blue Sky Is Living Here Today by ignatiustrout (G, 5k)

Draco's a father, Harry's in love with him, and it's really hard to take things slow.

The Things They Never Say by bixgirl1 (E, 9k)

Harry and Draco don't know how to talk. So they do other things instead.

Sex Ed for Aurors by curiouslyfic (M, 9k)

Some things, you need to learn on the job.

i wake up falling, orphaned (M, 9k)

Draco’s always leaving, one way or another. Harry’s usually 240 thousand miles too late.

Poppiholla by @moonflower-rose (M, 12k)

Harry had accepted that he would pine silently for Malfoy forever, but one, humid summer might change that.

Take the Moon by tackytiger (M, 15k)

Harry Potter has always wanted a family of his own, and when a deadly blood curse forces him into a marriage bond with his best friend Draco Malfoy, it looks like he might just have found one. It's just a shame they’d always planned to break up after a year…

White as Snow by bixgirl1 (E, 19k)

After a quick escape from danger, Harry and Draco find themselves trapped in a blizzard, a small cabin their only refuge from the storm. It's the perfect place to recover and regroup — and to have a long-overdue conversation or two.

We Might Be Too Old for a Bildungsroman by @wellhalesbells (T, 21k)

Harry finds something he’s been looking for since the war’s end. Admittedly, the packaging’s a bit odder than he expected.

With Great Yawns and Stretchings by sugar_screw (T, 22k)

The coffee is very good. Really. And the cats are so cute. That's why Harry goes so often.

On Your Shore by @xanthippe74 (M, 35k)

Clearing out a remote house full of cursed collectibles in the Outer Hebrides? Not a problem for an experienced curse breaker like Harry Potter. Spending a week with the straight, happily-married man that he’s starting to have feelings for? And sharing a bed with him at night? Surely Harry can handle that, too.

LA, Who Am I To Love You? by @epitomereally (E, 42k)

Harry’s summer in LA is not going as expected. Pansy Parkinson keeps inviting him to parties in the Hollywood Hills and harassing him to finally go to the physical therapist, Blaise Zabini keeps slipping new strains of his company’s magical weed into Harry’s pockets in hopes of an endorsement, and Draco Malfoy keeps having sex with everyone but Harry.

Here's The Pencil, Make It Work by ignatiustrout (M, 49k)

Harry thinks "Why is Malfoy working in a coffee shop in muggle London?" is a much simpler question than, "Are you going to accept that auror offer and, if you don't, what will you do?"

Modern Love by tackytiger (E, 61k)

Harry Potter, of all people, knows that life isn’t always fair. And no one gets to be happy all of the time. But surely there’s something more—something better—than a rubbish Ministry job, and a lonely old house, and that feeling that everyone out there is doing a better job of living than Harry is.

Azoth by @lol-zeitgeistic (E, 88k)

Now that Harry is back at Hogwarts with Hermione for eighth year, he realises that something’s missing from his life, and it either has to do with Ron, his boggart, Snape, or Malfoy. Furthermore, what, exactly, does it mean when one’s life is defined by the desire to simultaneously impress and annoy a portrait?

What We Pretend We Can't See by gyzym (M, 131k)

Seven years out from the war, Harry learns the hard truth of old history: it’s never quite as far behind you as you thought.

Can't Sit Still by wilteddaisy (E, 193k)

Five years after the war, Harry finds himself drawn to Draco Malfoy by memories that aren't his own.

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Wonderful World - Part 8

I think you guys are really gonna like this part for a lot of reasons 😇

Series Masterlist

Warnings: mentions of homophobia, internalized homophobia, coming out, oral (male receiving), fingering, sex.

WC: 12.6K

Harry had spent a lot of his life alone. He was an only child and well, his parents had started an intensive, out-patient mental health facility when he was just a kid, so he did spend a lot of time without them for several years - not that they weren’t supportive and loving, they truly were, but quality time with their parents is just something that kids need. They had moved away from their hometown and into London when he was about 6 to do this, so he was removed from the 2 cousins he had and well, this kind of perpetuated his ability to be alone. And as things took off with his parents’ clinic they were able to open another location, and they now owned 5 of them across the whole of England. Even now as an adult, he’s quite isolated even from the few friends he has, but that doesn’t bother him. He had just never really noticed just how far removed he was until Rebecca came into his life. 

At the time he was just finishing his residency and he had a plan to allow himself to adopt a sort of hedonist approach to life for a bit, to make up for lost time essentially. During med school everyone is kind of a loner, you really get together to study or cry and rant about how grueling everything is, but socializing is not really something they’d do so he had kind of forgot about it. So when he met her, someone so gorgeous and smart and just as invested and obsessed with her career, he took his opportunity to just be with her. Truly, they had a lot in common, too much in common if that’s even possible, so he thought that maybe this would mean that their relationship would naturally flourish into a lot more. But the longer they were together the more it worried him that not even his feelings for her were flourishing as he expected. Harry had dated one person seriously before Rebecca and that was when he was 19 years old. He was head over heels with this girl, he attributed it to being young and naive and told himself that adult relationships just didn’t feel that way so that he could continue investing in what he and Rebecca had or were trying to have. He forgot about what attraction and interest in others felt until Diana came into his life. It really happened within 5 seconds of seeing her that a part of his brain that he had forgotten could be so powerful kicked in at full force. 

There were so many thoughts and daydreams and feelings that were floating around in his head or pricking his stomach with butterflies whenever she was near. It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time. He felt like a hormonal teenager who could hardly figure out which way was up. It was a “vie en rose” phenomenon; suddenly he was romanticizing everything and he was optimistic and subconsciously doing a little more to take care of himself, he was plagued with thoughts about her and hoping that she thought of him too. He was happy though, he liked feeling this way and it spurred things on even more knowing that she too felt something for him. Maybe it wasn’t as intense as what he felt for her, but there was hope because when he kissed her she had kissed back, ardently. And he knew that there were complications, but there was hope and it kept him going. But when he woke up this morning, annoyingly 3 minutes before his alarm went off, there was no hope. The rose-colored filter in which he had been viewing the world through was gone - as if it had never even existed.

“…if this situation isn’t evidence enough that we can’t-”

“I know. Maybe in another life…”

Those were the words playing over and over in his head like a damaged CD, he was stuck on that, in a loop and it hurt. It hurt to know that the person who had made him feel so happy was unattainable to him. He knew that life wasn’t fair, he knew that you can’t always get what you want, he could rationalize the issues that would come with pursuing her, but he didn’t want to be selfish and hurt Celeste in the process.

When his alarm finally went off he groaned and shut it off before he sat up and rubbed at his eyes. He stretched a bit and got up to have a shower, he would normally do a little yoga session, but he was in absolutely no mood for that at the moment. He also skipped breakfast, which he rarely ever did, and just decided to run an errand that had been on his mind for about a month now. When Harry pulled up to the animal shelter he didn’t want to be too optimistic that the cat he had dropped off a while back might still be there.

“Morning!” The young guy at the front desk smiled happily as Harry walked in.

“Good morning.” Harry responded with a smile.

“How can I help you?” He asked and Harry rested his hands on the counter top before sighed.

“So a few weeks back I dropped off a cat, she was all gray and had these big green eyes-”

“Like you?” The guy said with a smile and Harry smiled bashfully and glanced away for a second.

“Yeah, I suppose so.” He said before looking back at the guy with a chuckle, “I was just wondering if the owner was found? Or if she had been adopted already?” He asked.

“Did she have a collar?”

“Ummm no, but she was chipped. I know if they’ve been to a pound or shelter before you guys chip them too though. So maybe she’s just a stray.” He said and the guy nodded.

“That’s right…” he said as he started typing something into his computer, presumably looking through the catalog, “Do you happen to know the breed?”

“I have no idea.” Harry sighed through a chuckle.

“No worries, we’ve got a few gray cats in at the moment so I just want to narrow it down. What was she like?”

“Mmmm, she was friendly and cuddly. Kind of clingy,” he chuckled.

“Maybe a Russian Blue…” the guy said and then smiled, “We only have two of those at the moment and one if a kitten so I’d assume it’s the other one.” He explained, “Did you want to see her?”

“Yeah, if possible. And adopt her too I guess.” He said.

“Oh, right on.” He smiled, “Yeah, let’s go on back.” He said and Harry followed him down a hall and then another door that led to the cat enclosures, “Do you have other pets?”

“Ummm no, this would be the only one.” He said and the guy nodded, “Well, after you brought her in we had her spayed a few days later, so that’s all taken care of. She’s up to date on her vaccinations as well.” He said and Harry nodded, “Is it this one?” He asked stopped at one of the kennels and Harry smiled when he saw her curled up atop of the little tower in the corner of the enclosure. The little name card said “Misty”, it’s what he was calling her after Celeste mentioned that name.

“Yep, that’s her.” Harry said and the guy smiled.

“Great. So typically for adoptions we do want to socialize the cats with the owners first, make sure they’re going to a good person and all that. So if you’d like to hang out with her for a bit today and then put in your application before you go she can be going home with you whenever you’re ready for her next week.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Harry smiled. 

“Alright, let me open this up for you.” He said and Harry moved aside, “Do you want to go to another room?”

“This is fine, I want her to feel comfortable with me first.” Harry assured and then just sat down at the entrance of the little kennel. Misty’s attention was fixed on him. She was looking up at him with a bit of caution.

“I’ll come back in about 10-15 minutes, yeah?”

“That’s perfect, thank you.” Harry said, slightly glancing back before turning back to the cat. “Hi.” He said quietly and extended his hand out in invitation for her to get closer. He smiled when he saw her tail started to wag in interest. He continued making eye-contact with her until she raised her hind legs and stretched a bit before she started to stalk over slowly. She sniffled at his hand before she approached, walking up to him between his legs and he smiled as she looked up at him and her eyes closed as he started to stroke her back and she almost immediately started purring.

“Do you remember me?” He asked quietly as she started to lower herself and he chuckled. Overall she was as sweet and clingy as he remembered, she was a beautiful cat. He preferred dogs much more as he had grown up with dogs at his grandparents’ house, but he didn’t have as much time for a dog. If this cat was a needier breed he didn’t even want to think about how much more needy a dog would be. Cats could certainly be on their own if they had stimulation around them and well, if he kept her at his practice then she’d get plenty of attention from people, he was certain of it. The time just flew by and before he knew the guy who had been helping him was coming back.

“So, has this sealed the deal?”

“Definitely.”

“Cool, I started on the paperwork.” He said and Harry smiled.

“See you soon, Misty.” He said petting her once more before he stood. As soon as the door to her kennel was closed she mewed loudly in protest and it just about broke his heart and he frowned, “Don’t worry, I promise I’ll be back for you soon.” He said to the cat and struggled to walk away. He felt a lump in his throat as he followed the guy back up front.

“She’s really attached.” 

“Yeah, one of my patients saw her out on the fire escape of my practice a few weeks ago. It was raining, who knows how long she was out there. I had to take her home with me since it was already late.”

“She knows you’re a good person.” Harry smiled as the guy said this.

“Well, I hope I am.” He said as the guy printed out the forms he needed to sign.

“What kind of practice do you have?”

“I’m a psychiatrist.” He said and he hummed.

“That’s cool.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” He chuckled lowly.

“I mean, a lot of people need help so it is cool that you can help them.” He rephrased and Harry nodded.

“Well you’re right about that. How’d you get into this?” He asked.

“Oh, this I my shelter actually.” He explained and Harry’s eyes went wide.

“Oh, that’s sick.” Harry said with a smile and the guy nodded, “Sorry, I didn’t even get your name.” He said.

“It’s Cam.” He said extending his hand to Harry and he shook it firmly.

“I’m Harry.” He introduced himself before they let go, “Hey, I know that some people need emotional support animals, maybe we could look into collaborating or something in the future.” He said and Cam smiled.

“Yeah, that’d be great actually. We need to find these little guys homes. After COVID we’ve had so many animals surrendered. Especially dogs, tons of people got bored and got quarantine puppies.”

“Oh yeah.” Harry nodded.

“Yeah, the animals are also really codependent and have depression and anxiety and attachment issues when they come here and it’s also really hard for them, you know?” He asked and Harry frowned as he nodded.

“I can imagine. So are you a vet?” 

“Not yet.” He explained, “I’m on my third year, so almost done.” He said and Harry hummed.

“Well keep it up.” He encouraged the man who nodded and smiled. He soon brought over the forms he needed to fill out and once he had those all taken care of Cam explained the process the application would go through and soon Harry was off to work. He was looking forward to the weekend, he had the escape room with Henry and Grace tomorrow night, Saturday he would find himself at the farmer’s market, and then Sunday he’d be relaxing at home - his week had been mentally and emotionally draining and he needed to distract himself. 

*********

Geri and Ozzy had been flocking Celeste ever since she’d come back to school because they could tell the Megan was trying to talk to her and they didn’t want to give her a chance. Of course she wanted to apologize to her, in Celeste’s mind Megan was willing to do just about anything to not get expelled, it made sense. But she wanted her to be expelled, she deserved it after everything that she had done. She didn’t want to talk to her or even look at her until the school board was telling her that she was expelled. She just had to hang out two more weeks and then everything would be resolved. Megan deserved everything that would happen to her, Celeste had just recently been able to get back to playing guitar how she could before! Getting expelled was not as worse as what had been put through, it’s not like she wouldn’t get into another school. She was pretty and popular from the start so Celeste was sure Megan would have no issue making friends wherever she was off to next. 

“Hey guys, I’m just gonna go the bathroom and then meet you in the band room, OK?” She said to Ozzy and Geri who both nodded. They had a spring concert next week and they are rehearsing a lot. As soon as Celeste sat on the toilet she was filled with fear when she heard the lock on the main door latch quietly, almost as if she wasn’t supposed to hear it. Her body was covered in goosebumps and her breathing started to become short and shallow as fear of what would happen started to flood her mind. She cleaned herself up with shaky hands and tried to take deep breaths as she stepped out of the stall, but she didn’t see anyone. Maybe she had imagined it. She was washing her hands when the furthers stall creaked open and Megan emerged. Celeste’s eyes were wide in fear as she backed into the paper towel dispenser.

“Megan, please don’t do anything to me.” She said shakily, bringing her hands out before her to minimize the potential contact and Megan frowned as she saw the fear coming off of Celeste. She was barely breathing and she could feel how nervous she was.

“I’m not going to do anything to you, Celeste. I just want to talk to you. To explained what…what’s going on.” She said and Celeste frowned.

“I don’t care, Megan. I just want you gone.” She said and Megan frowned.

“Look, after everything I did to you I get it. But look, I just, I need you to read this, OK?” She said as she swung her backpack to the front to pull out the letter she had written.

“I don’t want your forced apology.”

“It’s not forced! I mean it and I just owe you an explanation.” She said, extending the folded up papers to Celeste, “Please just read it. Obviously, I don’t want to get expelled and if this help great, but if not, I get it.” She said quietly. Celeste looked between her eyes and papers she was extending a few times before she reached up and grabbed them from her.

“I’ll read this, but don’t expect me to forgive you.” She said and Megan nodded.

“I know.” She said and Celeste refused to turn her back on Megan as she hurried to unlock the door and rush out of the bathroom. She got through band well enough and Ozzy’s mom gave her and Geri rides home and as soon as she was in the safety of her home she had a thought to look at the letter, but decided not to. And she put it off like this with other things, like homework, putting away the dishes on the rack, putting her clothes in the wash…when her mom got home they had dinner and just before Diana got to washing Celeste looked over at her.

“Mom?”

“Yes, mamita?” She asked with a smile and Celeste sighed.

“Megan approached me in the bathroom today.” She said and Diana frowned.

“Did she do something to you?” She asked immediately and Celeste shook her head.

“She just wanted to give me the letter, she said she owed me an explanation.” 

“OK, and what’s bugging you about it? Isn’t this what you wanted from her? To know why she was doing all of this?” She asked and immediately she thought of Dr. Styles, he would probably ask her the exact same question.

“Yeah, I guess…but I’m scared of what it’s gonna say.” She confessed and her mom grabbed her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Yeah, it is scary.” She agreed, and well Diana knew that it was more likely that the truth would make Celeste more angry than sad, “You don’t have to read it yet, you know? You can think about it for a few days. Or even wait to read it with Dr. Styles, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind being there with you for it.” She said, knowing that Harry was kind of her comfort person right now. She didn’t have an urgency to know what was written, she had a good idea of what it would say.

“You don’t want to know too?”

“Of course I do, but I also remember what we talked about and that sometimes you’d like to process before sharing with me.” Celeste smiled upon hearing this. It was hard for Diana to not be the first person she came to for everything, realistically she knew that would be the case the older Celeste got, but she was 14, she was still a child. But she had also told Harry that she trusted him with Celeste and with helping her, so she would let them work together before she demanded to know more. She might know the reason for why Megan did what she did, but she still wanted to know if she had mentioned that in her letter.

“OK.”

“Just take it at your own pace, OK?”

“I will.” Celeste assured. After helping clean up a bit she went up to her bedroom and got ready for bed and once in it she stared at her backpack forever until she just got out and felt around for the papers and brought them back to her bed. She took a deep breathe and unfolded them.

“Dear Celeste,

I know that by now you must hate me for everything I’ve done to you and I don’t blame you. I know you must think I’m this evil person and bully but I’m really not. I’m just confused a little bit right now. I’ confused about a lot of things and it’s scary. Scary enough that it pushed me to do things to you when you didn’t deserve it. I’ve been working with Miss Jones a lot and she’s helping me be less confused about the things I feel and I know you must think that I’, just writing this to not get expelled from school, but it’s not. Of course, I don’t want to be expelled, who does? But that’s besides the point. I am writing this because I was wrong for hurting you, emotionally and physically. I know that a piece of paper does nothing to fix that and I can’t take it back even though I wish I could. I am so sorry Celeste. Miss Jones said I didn’t have to share what I am about to with you, but I want to so that we’re even.” 

Celeste frowned as she set the first page down and then went on to the next page.

“I know that you don’t owe anything to me and that you don’t have to keep my secret but I know that you’re a good person and that you’ll do what you think is best. I know I deserve to pay back what I did to you in some way and if that means getting this out then fine. The reason why I’ve been so mean to you is because I’m jealous of you. Or was…I don’t know, I still might be a little bit. I’m jealous of you and Geri.”

Celeste’s mouth dropped open in shock as she read the next part.

“I think I like-like Geri. Or well, I do like her. I hope you’re not weirded out by that. But I just thought that maybe you guys liked each other and I was jealous. I tried to kiss her once and she rejected me and when I saw you guys together I got mad because I thought she thought I maybe wasn’t good enough or pretty enough for her. I made her promise not to tell anyone or I would do something bad to her, so don’t be mad at her for keeping my secret. And well, after talking to Miss Jones about that last week I realized that it’s not that I was mad at you, I guess I’m more mad at myself for feeling that way about Geri. And I don’t want to blame this on my parents, but they’ve always told me that feeling that way is wrong. And so I was made to feel bad for feeling that way about Geri. That’s why I’m a little confused right now because I can’t help what I feel, but I also don’t want to feel bad all the time and it’s a mess. It has nothing to do with you and I just made it about you. I’m so sorry.”

Celeste frowned as she read that and went to the final page.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me any time soon for what I did to you, but I at least hope that now you can understand what is going on. One of my friends heard you telling Geri that you go to therapy and if that’s my fault I’m sorry. But now I’m doing that too with Miss Jones and she’s helping me a lot. I promise that I won’t be mean to you any more and that I will stay away from your friend group. I’m also really sorry for the instagram page that was so messed up, I didn’t think about it until your mom was screaming in mine and my mom’s face at the principal’s office. I wasn’t thinking at all about how bad that could’ve been. Your mom is really nice by the way, I did deserve to get yelled at like that, but she was still nice after she found out, which helped a lot because my mom yelled at me all the way home after that. Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say and I hope that one day you’re not mad at me any more. - Megan Freeman”

Celeste was somehow more angry as she read that last bit, how could she not be mad at her? She literally took all her problems out on her and that was so unfair. She was also madam her mom because she knew and never said anything to her! She went back to the second page and set it on her bed before grabbing her phone and opening up her instagram. She went to her stories camera and snapped a picture of Megan’s confession about liking girls and her finger hovered over the “your story” button as she exhaled shakily. “…I know that you’re a good person and that you’ll do what you think is best…”, here eyes were drawn to that line on the screen and she groaned before she deleted it and fell back onto her bed. She was angry but as she thought about what she said about her parents she felt bad for her and now she was confused too. How could she feel angry and bad about someone at the same time. Then she thought about Geri and also got annoyed because she knew why she was getting bullied and she never told her anything about it. How would Megan have known if Geri said something? She regretted opening up that letter because now she was just in a state of frustration.

The next morning when she got to school and saw Megan in the hallway she looked extremely nervous and expectant and Celeste just glared at her before continuing to her locker. She was just gathering her things when Geri came up to her.

“Hey!”

“Hi.” She said burly before slamming her locker shut.

“Geez! Are you OK?”

“I’m fine. Is there something that you want to tell me?” 

“Umm no? About?” 

“Megan?” Celeste said and Geri looked at her with confusion.

“Not really, why? Did she do something else to you?”

“No, just…forget it.” She mumbled and walked off, forcing Geri to hurry off and catch up to her. All day she gave Geri the cold shoulder and she was so angry that she just wasn’t catching on to why she could possibly be upset at her. Even at the end of the day she hugged her stiffly before getting into the car with her mom.

“Hey cariño, how was your day?” She asked happily.

“It was fine…” Celeste mumbled as she buckled up.

“Are you hungry?”

“A little bit.” She said and Diana nodded. When she didn’t choose a place Diana just chose something and as soon as they got home she trudged up to her bedroom and Diana sighed, she had definitely read that letter and whatever it said definitely made her upset. She was eager to help her process everything, but she knew that if she needed her help she would ask, hopefully.

*********

Harry was still very distracted and the evidence to that was them not finishing up the escape room on time. This was the first time he had ever been so out of the loop that he couldn’t even get his brain to focus for an hour. 

“Well shit.” Henry sighed as the last 3 seconds passed and the timer went to zero. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Harry mumbled.

“It’s alright, there’s a first for everything.” Henry assured and Grace nodded in agreement. The door was unlocked and then the staff member came in and showed them the final two steps they needed to get out.

“Next time, guys! But don’t beat yourselves up, this is one of our hardest rooms.” The woman consoled them but Harry just rolled his eyes as he walked out first. He had an IQ of 130, hardly anything was really challenging for his intellect. He was just more in shambles over Diana because of how hung up he was on her. Almost like he couldn’t believe he was feeling this way over someone again. As the three of them reconvened outside Henry asked what the plan was and Harry looked between him and Grace.

“I ummm, am kind of feeling like I need to go put in some ground work.” He said glancing back to Henry who just nodded.

“Yeah, alright man. Should we eat first?”

“Yeah, we can split up from there.” Harry smiled. They went and had some dim sum place that Grace had been eager to try and soon they were saying their goodbye’s outside of the restaurant.

“Oh, Harry can I ask you something?” Grace asked and Harry nodded, “I’ll meet you in the car!” She called to Henry who had already baked away a bit. He shot her a thumbs up and gave Harry one last wave before he headed off to the car. He wondered if this had anything to do with Diana or maybe it was something else about Henry?

“What’s up?” He asked with a smile.

“Well, it’s more things than just one.” She said and he smiled.

“No worries, shoot.” He said and she exhaled nervously.

“Am I like…getting in the way of your friendship with Henry?” She asked and Harry furrowed his eyebrows as he heard this, “Because I feel like I am in a way, like I know you guys never lose at these things and you did today and the only difference was that I was here now sans Rebecca. And you did’t want to go out for drinks after and if it’s an issue I don’t have to come to these things.” She said to him with some worry and Harry shook his head.

“No, you’re not coming between us at all!” He assured and she looked into his eyes more sternly, “I swear it! And well, any time a friend introduces a partner things are bound to change in some way, that’s normal! But I promise you I really like you, Henry hasn’t really had a lot of official girlfriends, I’m sure he’s told you that he’s casually dated frequently,” she nodded, “but maybe I’ve met 3 people he’s been dating in total and you actually got asked to be his girlfriend, so…” Harry said and she smiled, “I like you, Grace. I’ve just had a bit of a week and I’m not up to our usual plans is all, I’ve been a bit off my game. Nothing to do with you, I promise.” Harry assured and she nodded.

“Are you doing OK, though? After Rebecca?” She asked carefully and he nodded.

“Yeah, I think it was the best thing for both of us. I think the fact that neither of us are bummed about it says a lot.” He chuckled and she did as well with a little shrug.

“Yeah, that’s probably true.” She agreed, “Ummm next thing I wanted to talk to you about was ummm…Diana.” She explained and he hummed. Mentally screaming at the sound of her name.

“I didn’t know that you were working with Celeste and I know that it’s best to keep some distance for objectivity and all that-” Well it was too late for that now. Harry thought to himself, “kind of stuff. So I’m sorry if I made you feel weird at any point, I know she was a little worried about that and made a point to not join for the most part until you’ve finished treating Celeste. I just wanted to tell you because you guys seemed to get along really, really well and I was hopeful that maybe she’d at least find another friend in you.” She explained and despite the pang of hurt in his heart upon hearing that he nodded.

“Yeah, don’t worry she told me as well afterwards. I planned on waiting to talk to her when she came in next after that weekend but she beat me to it.” He chuckled and Grace shook her head.

“Yeah, she’s on top of it all.” Grace said with a smile and he nodded, “Ummm, I’m asking you this because you’re not her therapist, but is she doing OK with everything going on with Celeste?” She asked and Harry sighed.

“Yes and no.” he said, “Like she knows what’s within her abilities to help with and what’s not, so that’s always a good thing and she’s great at respecting those boundaries. But I can also see that it’s kind of hard for her to do that, you know? I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for her right now. Especially after that instagram page.”

“Oh my god, yeah.” Grace agreed, “I just wanted to see how you see her because she does share and talk to me about it, but I just feel like there’s something else going on that is eating away at her and she’s just not telling me, you know? But you’re right, they’re going through a lot at the moment and I’m sure that’s just weird for her to navigate.”

“Yeah. And you know, in my experience Diana really appreciates the open and direct communication, even if she might not particularly love what you have to say…” Grace giggled and nodded, “So maybe just ask if there’s anything else, you know?”

“Yeah, thank you, Harry.” Grace said with a smile, “And you know, I really like you too. You’re really great, I like how relaxed Henry gets around you.”

“We both do that for each other, which is pretty cool.” He smiled, “Any other questions?” He asked and she smiled.

“I think that’s about it for the moment. Thank you for making life better for the closest people to me in my life.” She said and he chuckled and looked away bashfully.

“I definitely think you make Henry far happier than I ever could, so give yourself a bit more credit. Between us, I think that you’re kind of everything he’s ever wanted.” Grace was now blushing as Harry’s words soaked in.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Well can I tell you something?”

“Of course.” He said and she bit her lip.

“I ummm, I’d sworn off of committed relationships after my dad cheated on my mom. I was just constantly so afraid of investing so much time in someone and then it going to shit over someone’s stupidity and selfishness. But I mean, with Henry I just…I don’t know sometimes I do feel stupid for letting my guard down and doing everything I said I never would, you know? But ummm, in my gut I just know that he’d never be like that but…I guess, sometimes I’m just waiting for the bubble to burst, you know? And I’m so close to being all in, I want to be all in! I just…don’t know how to get over this fear I have.” She explained and he hummed.

“Well let me tell you one thing, your gut feeling will never be wrong. It’s the one part of us that is still so primal and instinctual, and whatever you’re feeling there will never lead you astray. In this case, rationalizing will only lead you to leaning in favor of keeping that distance, because everything you’ve been through has conditioned you to feel that way and to think that way. I might be a little bias, but Henry is a really great guy and he would never do something like that to you or to anyone for that matter. Like I said before, he’s been so cautious about who he brings in and who he shares these parts of his life with. So just know that him involving you is pretty big for him, just as much as you being a girlfriend is big for you.” He said and she smiled, “So trust your gut if you want to see where this could go, because if you leave it up to your mind you will definitely find a bajillion reasons to back out of it if you want to.” She nodded and exhaled.

“Yeah, that’s true. Well, thank you Harry. We’re all lucky to have you.” She said before they hugged, “Good luck putting in some groundwork tonight! Hope you get laid.” She said shooting him a wink before she turned and started walking and he laughed.

“Hey, tell Henry that just because he has a girlfriend now, it doesn’t mean all of codewords and previous shenanigans aren’t sacred anymore!” He called after her and she laughed loudly and shot him a thumbs up before getting to the car. 

With that Harry headed to his own car and sat for a bit figuring out with bar to go to. Should he go home and get changed or just go somewhere casual in what he was already wearing? He decided to go home and freshen up and hit one of the higher end bars closer to home, he figured that if he went to a fancier place there’d be less chances of running into a student than if he went to something more casual and well, being closer to home meant being able to get someone there easier. He figured that he did need a good fuck to break out of whatever weird daze he was stuck in after Diana. Maybe if things went really well he could get a fuck buddy out of this, which he needed. He hadn’t had a wank to Diana, but he thought about it a lot. He knew that if he let himself get off to her that there’d be no way he’d put her out of his mind for a good long while.

Once at the bar it wasn’t hard for him to settle in and draw some attention. Harry was aware that he was handsome and that if in the proper mood he could charm the daylights out of anyone he well pleased, but it took a lot of his energy to get into that headspace and he hardly ever did it. This was an act of desperation; he so desperately needed a distraction from everything else going on in his head and he needed to take care of this tonight. He had maybe been sitting at the bar for 15 minutes before a woman came planted herself beside him. The bar tender immediately came over and she ordered a gin martini, after she ordered she spared him a glance and he looked back and offered her a polite smile and short nod in greeting and she did the same before she faced forward again. She was beautiful though and she wasn’t shy when her drink came. As they chatted he discovered that she had come with some friends and they had encouraged her to come “shoot her shot” as she had said. This was a clear indication that she was definitely younger than him but he didn’t care right now. So after a few more drinks and lots of intense eye contact and flirting she was scurrying off to grab her coat from her friends’ table and was wiggling her fingers to them in a dainty goodbye as they made their way out of the bar.

This girl was eager to please. As soon as they got into his car she went for the kiss and he allowed it because this was the whole reason he was out tonight. She was intense and forceful with her tongue as she pressed herself up against the center console. He didn’t hate her desperation, because he was feeling a bit desperate too, but he kept thinking about how Diana and him kissed. The only mouth he wanted on his was hers and even having this gorgeous and eager woman here with him wasn’t changing that for him.

“Mmm, wait, wait, wait.” He said as he broke the kiss, “First off, are you sure about this?” He asked and she nodded, her eyes locked on his, “You’re not drunk right?”

“No.” She assured with a smile and he smiled back.

“Good. Would you mind going back to mine or would you rather spend the night somewhere?” He asked and she bit her lip pensively.

“Do you live far?”

“No, maybe 10 minutes away at most.” He said and she nodded.

“OK, then.” She said and he smiled before he got the car started. On the whole way over she was palming at his crotch, feeling him growing and growing in his dress pants. He loved the friction and feeling of someone else touching him other than himself, he hadn’t tried to have sex with anyone in a while and quite frankly, this was long overdue in his opinion. As soon as they pulled into his driveway and smiled. “Oh, a house?”

“Yeah, I am an adult.” He said with a grin and she bit her lip to suppress her smile.

“So you’re pretty loaded.” She said as she turned to him as he shut off the engine and he glanced over to her.

“In what way?” He asked and she laughed.

“I mean… to own a house in the LA area. I kind of already have a good idea about the other thing.” She said more quietly towards the end of her sentence and he smirked.

“I’m alright.” He said humbly and she hummed at his mysterious response. Soon they were making their way inside and she wanted a tour, so he showed her around.

“You have really excellent taste.” She finished as they stopped at the dining room and then she pulled the curtains covering the large glass back door aside and peered out, “Is that a hot tub?”

“Oh yeah.” He chuckled, “S’been raining a lot though, so it’s not guest ready at the moment though.” He explained and she pouted as she turned to him.

“Bummer.” She said and he smiled apologetically.

“Sorry. I can show you the bedrooms though.” He said and she giggled at his not smooth transition.

“Yeah, show me.” She said regardless and he pulled her along down the hallway that led to the guest bedroom, as much as he needed a lay, he didn’t necessarily want her in his personal, private space. As soon as they made it inside he slid up the light dimmer so that she’d be able to see the room. He did sometimes sleep in here on those random occasions when his bed felt foreign. It had an ensuite as well, and a lot of his books and music were in here as well. “You’re so neat.”

“Thank you.” He said and she smiled as she continued looking around before she sat on the edge of the bed, she then crossed her leg and stretched a bit to get her high heel unstrapped and was quick to bend down and help her.

“Thanks.” She smiled as he unwrapped the strings from around her ankle, then he moved to the next one and he hummed as her fingers carded in his hair and he kissed at her knees and then up her thighs before she stopped him, “I ummm, have this thing about strangers not going down on me. Like I’ll still go down on you, but for me that just feels really intimate.” She explained and he nodded.

“Yeah, that’s fine. Whatever you’re comfortable with.” He said and she smiled. 

She pulled him up so that they were kissing again and she was now pushing him to sit on the bed beside her as she rushed to get his shirt off. Her fingers were quick and soon her lips where trailing down his jaw and his chest. Harry was warding off mental images of Diana as this girl kissed and licked down his abs now as he helped her with his belt. When he was able to get his pants down enough to spring his cock free she moaned and immediately wrapped her hand around it making him shudder.

“You’re so big.” She hummed delightfully before she glanced up at him and licked at his tip, which made his jaw clench in anticipation. She continued stroking the rest of his shaft as she started to use her mouth on the head of his penis. The suckles and strokes of her tongue to his slit had his thighs tensing up as he felt his orgasm was soon approaching. He tried to focus on something else to deescalate this a bit so that he could at least fuck her, but that immediately led to thoughts of what Diana had said and how upset Celeste had been at even the possibility of them two being together, and that was getting him too relaxed as he suddenly wasn’t in the mood for sex. He felt bad though because he had brought this girl over here for just that.

“D-do you want to have sex?” He asked and she popped off of him and she glanced up at him.

“I mean, yeah, but you don’t at least want to come like this first so that you can go a bit longer? I was kind of hoping I could get off too.” She said and he leaned down and kissed her ardently, forcing away any thoughts of the woman who he wanted to be with at this very second.

“I’m perfectly capable of making you come.” He said with slight offense and a confident smile on his face and she grinned into his kiss.

“I’m sure you will, it takes me a bit.” She said and he took that as a challenge.

“If you don’t come at least twice I didn’t do my job right.” He said and she grinned. 

He helped undress her and as she threw the decorative pillows off the bed he grabbed a condom and dimmed the lights per her request. He climbed over her and touched and kissed and licked at her breasts and down her navel, respecting her boundary of not wanting him to go down on her. She seemed to enjoy his dirty talk, so he worked her up that way and bit the time he was getting his hands down to her folds she was soaking wet for him, which he made sure to milk. When he finally got to her clit she was whimpering for more. And for some reason the soft sounds of her whimpers reminded him of the sounds Diana made when he had kissed her. He kind of let his mind take over and he sunk his fingers into the girl, feeling up her walls and curling his fingers forward when he reached the dip inside of her and she literally gasped.

“Found it.” He hummed haughtily and she moaned as he started to prod into that spot faster until her legs were buckling and she was easily coming undone as she clutched the sheets. 

Harry worked her through it until she was begging for him to get inside and so he quickly got the condom on and rubbed himself into her sticky folds, working himself up a bit more before he pushed inside of her with a soft sigh of relief. She was warm and tight and as he buried his face in her neck he immediately frowned when that delicious scent of cherries wasn’t  present. He groaned as he pulled his hips back and then slammed them forward again, but the more he thrust into her the more his mind went back to Diana. He thought about her hand in his, about their lips smearing together urgently, about getting stoned with her and looking into her beautiful eyes until she seemed to good to be true. He thought about just how much more of her wonderful self there was to explore. He thought about how bad he wanted her body, so he started to just pretend it was. His style morphed into one with more intention, he was going slower but deeper, making the girl under him whine and gasp. She was sucking on his neck hard and her nails were digging hard into his shoulders as she got closer and closer to her orgasm. He could feel her right on the edge so he ensured to line up with her properly to stimulate her clit as he continued to thrust into her. Mentally he was somewhere else and he didn’t mind it, especially as the girl beneath him came undone once again.

“Oh, baby. Oh fuck, Diana. I’m gonna come!” He panted and the girl under him froze.

“What?” She asked and upon hearing another voice he pushed himself away from her neck and realize what he had just done.

“J-just ignore me, m’sorry.” He said as he continued to thrust into her and she scoffed.

“No fucking way, you just called me by another woman’s name! Get off of me!” She spat angrily and Harry sighed but did as she requested. He was so embarrassed, this had never happened to him before and he grabbed a pillow to cover up his groin while he clambered off the bed to get to his briefs.

“Look I’m really sorry. Do you need me to give you a ride somewhere?” He asked and she scoffed as she picked up her clothes.

“It’s fine, just get me an uber or something.” She said quietly, still very offended at what he’d done, but he understood. She gave him her destination and then he gave her some privacy as she wanted to freshen up a bit. He ordered her car and then went to his bedroom to get on some clothes. She still wasn’t out of the room so he grabbed her a water bottle from the kitchen and waited around in the living room monitoring the incoming uber. He was beating himself up over this and he had hurt someone’s feelings all because his own feelings weren’t in check and he felt like an idiot, like a moron! He had no idea if anything he did would make up for it. Well, at least he’d kept his promise and made her come twice…when she came in she was still visibly upset and he handed her the water bottle which she took.

“Again, I’m really sorry for that. That’s never happened to me before-”

“Do you even remember my name?” She asked and he bit on his lip and shook his head shamefully. He supposed she had said it when they got to talking but he didn’t really pay any mind to it. “You’re kind of a douche, Harry.” She said flatly and he sighed.

“I know. I’m really, really sorry.”

“You shouldn’t have sex with other people when you’re hung up on someone else! It’s not fair.” She scolded and he nodded.

“You’re right. You’re absolutely right.” He said and she sighed and shook her head. It was kind of annoying that he didn’t get defensive or try to change her mind or offer to make up for this - he wasn’t a douche at all. That’s what made it more hurtful, that he was genuinely a great guy from what she could tell. They stood in silence for a few moments and she sighed.

“You’re not a douche, and whoever this Diana is, hopefully she gets it together and takes you back or sees you in the same way you see her or whatever.” The girl said, she just never repeated her name and Harry felt so bad because he wanted to at least remember and send her off properly.

“Thanks.” He said quietly.

“Maybe if she sees that there, it’ll make her jealous.” She said as she glanced down to his neck, “Sorry, I don’t usually leave hickeys.”

“It’s alright.” He assured and then his phone pinged, “Your Uber’s here.” 

“Great. Umm, well thanks for at least making me finish.” She said as he opened up the door and he chuckled in some embarrassment.

“Yeah, of course. Ummm, what’s your name again, I’m sorry.” He apologized again, as if this could be any more humiliating.

“Don’t think it really matters anymore.” She said softly, “Night.” She said and hurried across the little walkway and into the uber and just like that she was gone and he had even failed at a one night stand. 

Harry was embarrassed and ashamed and he felt so fucking lonely now. He was shutting off the lights as he made his way to his bedroom, he’d clean the guest room tomorrow. And as he laid in his bed he just sighed as he stopped avoiding the thoughts of Diana that were invading his mind. He didn’t know what it was about her that made him feel so out of control, but he loved it. And well, he felt kind of dumb because he was certain that as much as she probably had a crush on him, she didn’t share the same affinity for him as he did for her; or at least he had no evidence of that and well, a kiss doesn’t really mean much in reality. He was in deep and he felt kind of dumb for pining after someone who barely even felt the same as he did. But even more than that, for someone that was off limits to him. It saddened him because he craved getting to know her, every part of her.

*********

Once again, Celeste was upset about something that she wasn’t ready to talk to Diana about. Diana was certain that it had to do with something that Megan had written in her note, she wasn’t sure why she would mention her in it, but it was very possible and she was working on the assumption that it was that. As much as she was impatient to just get to the bottom of it, it was Sunday, meaning Celeste had therapy tomorrow so she was sure that she’d have plenty to talk about after she met with Harry. For now she would just jog because she needed some space from Celeste’s brooding and the lovely things Grace had to say about Harry after they hung out on Friday. She pretty much zoned out as she focused on her music and her thoughts and when she broke away from her metal prison she realized she had made it to the park the was about two blocks away from her house. She sighed as she slowed down and just let herself wander over to the swing set on the edge of the playground. It was only 7am, so there were no children here, just two other runners all the way across the park, they were barely starting to loop back in her direction. She started to create momentum to swing a bit more, just enough that she could feel a bit of wind on her face. 

She not only had the things with Celeste on her mind, her brother, Damian, would also be coming along to the board meeting to be an extra support for Celeste. He had been in Spain for the last six months and so his usually constant communication with Celeste had been lacking a bit, which she understood, but he wanted her to know that he was there for her and that she mattered to him. That would be great, but if he made a trip here she knew that inevitably, her mother would also make an effort to drop by, which was the last thing she needed with everything going on.

“Hey, thought that was you.” She heard and glanced to her left to see none other than Harry in his running clothes and a cap on his head. He looked glorious with the early morning sun shining behind him. And he was littered in tattoos. Sure, she’d seen the cross on his hand, but she’d never seen his arms fully and well his chest, and knees were inked too. It was surprising. And well, he was wearing a tank top and running shorts and she could see just how muscular he actually was and it was making her mind grow foggy.

“Oh wow!” Diana said with a smile and he looked at her confused, “Never seen you in all your glory before.” She signaled at him with her hands and he chuckled as he realized what she was trying to say. He wondered if she was good shocked or bad shocked by his tattoos. He started when he got to med school and well, he did go into a bit of a frenzy, but he didn’t really regret any of them. He hoped that this didn’t make her less attracted to him as she continued to look him over as he stopped in front of her. He was getting nervous so he changed the subject.

“I’ve never seen you around here. Do you run here often?” He asked and she looked into his eyes now and shook her head.

“No, never. I just kind of zoned out a bit and went a bit further than I normally do.” She explained and he hummed.

“Must have a lot on your mind.” He said and she nodded. They suddenly heard a car horn honk loudly and turned to the sound and when she saw it was nothing she focused back on him and well she felt a pinch in her heart when she saw a hickey at the base of his neck. It started to grow in her chest and spread out to her arms and it reached all the way down to her fingertips. The steady prickling feeling of disappointment and hurt was never a nice feeling and she looked down at her shoes instead as she talked herself out of feeling upset over this. When he finally turned back to her Harry noticed that she looked a bit bummed out, “So are you OK?” 

“Oh yeah.” She said and glanced up to him, but she couldn’t help and steal a glance at the love bite again and it was hard for him to miss her looking it over too. He felt satisfied, but also crappy because of how it all happened.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, just Celeste is mad at me again. I suspect it’s about the apology letter Megan wrote her.”

“She’s not talking to you?”

“Yeah, just not about that. I’m sure she’ll bring it up to you tomorrow in session.” She said and he nodded, “I just…I’m really impatient to know when people have a problem with me. Because I’m a fixer, I want to fix things I did wrong you know?” She explained and he nodded, “I also hate to be the one that brings said things up…” she chuckled and shook her head at the irony.

“Confrontation is hard.” He said simply and she nodded with a smile. 

“That’s for sure. Ummm…my brother is gonna come for the board meeting.”

“Oh, that’s good!”

“Yeah, it’s great that she’ll have more support. It’s just…when my brother comes into town my mother tends to descend upon me as well and…” she felt a knot forming in her throat and he frowned as he stepped closer to her; one of his hands was on the chain of the swing and the other on her shoulder. She had her bottom lip bitten hard between her teeth and her eyes were all glossed over, she was fighting from crying and it made him upset to see her that way, “I’m sorry.” She said quietly and Harry shook his head.

“No, love. S’alright.” He assured and she glanced up to him at the term of endearment he let slip, “S-sorry, it just came out.” He said and she shook her head.

“It’s OK.” She said as their eyes met. How she wanted to tell him that she liked it, she liked it when it felt like they were just two people with endless possibilities before them. She had been keeping her distance emotionally, she already liked him, but she didn’t want to like him anymore than she did at this time. It was mostly surface level at this point, there were parts of him that she knew and that she liked, but they were basic things, really. Nothing like he had said of her the other night. She wanted to speak of him that way, but that would require a lot of sacrifice that would just end in hurt and she didn’t want to hurt anymore. She felt that she had hurt enough for her entire lifetime and still, it kept coming as if she hadn’t had enough.

“What is it?” He asked quietly and she swallowed thickly.

“I just…was thinking how this must feel really one-sided to you. How you’re always helping me and listening to me and learning about me and that…must suck.” She said and he smiled softly.

“It doesn’t suck.” He said to her, “I really don’t mind it.” He assured and she smiled.

“It’s not that I don’t want to reciprocate, I just…can’t.”

“I know. With Celeste and everything-”

“It’s nothing to do with Celeste, it’s just me.” She confessed, “I don’t want to get hurt anymore. And I know you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose, but just our situation would and…I also don’t want to hurt you. And if these run in’s leave you feeling sad or something, we don’t have to.”

“I’d rather talk to you for five seconds than not talk to you at all.” He admitted and she swallowed thickly as she looked into his eyes, “It’s worth it for me. To get to know you and understand you. Maybe it is…self-destructive and pointless, but it makes me happy. Even if it’s just for right now.” He said and she sighed, “Doesn’t it make you happy? When we see each other and get to be like this?” He asked as his hand slid down over hers and she nodded.

“It does.” She agreed quietly as she enjoyed the warmth of his hand over hers, “But it’s also sad because I know it’ll be over too soon.” She said and he smiled at her.

“Then don’t think about that, love. Just be here with me, right now. Who cares about everything that comes after.” He said quietly and she smiled.

“Yeah, you’re right. Sit with me then, we can see who swings higher.” She said with a playful smile and he smirked.

“Oh, you’re going down.” He said confidently as he let her go and got into the swing next to her. She was going higher, considering that she was smaller and lighter than he was, but he was getting up there. They were laughing as the wind rushed through their hair and they just allowed for the fun of the moment to exist without a concern for what came next.“And now we have to jump off!” Harry shouted.

“Are you crazy!? No way!” She laughed.

“C’mon! Live a little!” He encouraged and she groaned. “Watch!” He said and just propelled himself off of the swing and he did land on his feet despite stumbling a little, “See! C’mon. I won’t let anything happen to you.” He assured and she groaned in anxiety because she wanted to do it, she did but she was so scared. She decreased her height and speed a bit to something that seemed doable and just before she could chicken out she propelled herself off of the swing and sure enough, it was scary but exhilarating as she flew through the air a couple feet and landed on her feet in the sand, she was about to stumble but soon Harry’s hands were on her waist, steadying her and she placed her hands against his chest as she laughed and he did as well, “Told you I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.” He said with a grin and she smiled up at him.

“Do you ever get tired of being right?” She asked through a smile and he smirked.

“Would you?” He asked and she laughed quietly.

“Definitely not.” She said and he chuckled.

“Exactly.” He said lowly. 

She hadn’t pulled her hands away from his body and he was still holding her around her waist. Her body was buzzing in his touch, as it always did. His eye contact did things to her, it made her feel like he could see everything in her mind and in her heart and it was scary, but also quite relieving. She wanted to be able to do that to him too, to just understand him. To learn what each of his looks meant, the gestures he made, the things he said. She wanted to be intimate with him because it just felt like it happened so naturally and because in her eyes, every force in the universe was pushing them closer together and it was getting harder and harder to resist. Before she could talk herself out of it she tiptoed and slid her hands around his neck and he didn’t even hesitate to dip head down so that their lips collided delicately and beautifully. He wrapped his whole arms around her waist to pull her even closer and it just felt right to be in his hold. Her heart was fluttering and her breathing was bated as their lips moved together, kiss after kiss, and it just didn’t feel like enough. His lips were so smooth and he had been chewing some fruity gum that made him taste so good and she couldn’t help it as she opened her mouth up a bit for him to slip his tongue inside. She hummed in satisfaction as he swirled his tongue at the opening of her mouth before he deepened the kiss to slide it along hers. 

Harry moaned into their kiss when her fingers tangled into the bottom of his hair and tugged it a bit. They were in public, so he was trying to keep his arousal at bay, but it was getting so hard do so. Their mouths moved together without urgency, their kiss was slow, but deep and full of every emotion they were feeling towards each other. It was just them right now in this moment. Sure, there was this nagging little voice in the back of her head telling her it was wrong and that they needed to stop, but she didn’t care, she was just happy to be kissing him again. She smiled against his lips when he nipped at her bottom lip playfully and it kind of interrupted the kiss, but he just started to smooch around her mouth and her chin and the corner of her mouth before their lips met once again in a slow kiss which seemed like the last one, they opened their eyes and looked at each other for a few seconds with the biggest, dopiest smiles on their faces. 

“Sorry for just springing that on you.” She said a bit bashfully and he shook his head.

“It’s OK.” He smiled, his dimple was carving deep into his cheek and she melted at how cute he was, “Do you want to sit down for a little bit?” He asked and she nodded. She was sad to feel his hands leave her body, but soon he was extending his hand out towards hers and he pulled her along to a bench that was some feet away under the shade of a large tree. They sat close, with their intertwined fingers resting on his thigh. She lifted their hands as she saw the bottom of another tattoo under his running shorts. They were the high-cut kind so they did ride up a bit more now that he was sitting.

“Another one?” She asked before glancing up to him and he smiled.

“Yeah. I’ve got a lot.” He said with a smile and she hummed.

“What is it?” She asked.

“A tiger. Wanna see?” He asked and she nodded. They let go of each other for a little bit  so that he could show her the full thing. She looked impressed, rather than put off and then started looking at the ones on his arm, pointing out the ones she really liked.

“That’s cool. I’ve always wanted one, I just think it’d hurt a lot and I’d wuss out.” She confessed as she rejoined their hands, a detail which did not escape his mind.

“They don’t hurt that bad.” He said to her with a little smile, “It’s more of a stinging sensation, I’d say. Like when you get scratched or burned a little and it just stings.”

“Oh…interesting. That’s not at all what I would have imagined.” She said pensively and he smiled.

“Yeah, it’s alright. It’s just when you have big ones it can get painful or tiresome. None of mine are really that big to be honest. Just my thigh one really…Oh and I have some laurels right along my pelvis, those hurt.” He recalled, “Oh and my stomach one too, that was probably the most painful one.” He said.

“Stomach one?!” She asked and he chuckled.

“Yeah, it’s a butterfly.” He said to her and she smiled.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He chuckled, “Wanna see?” He asked and she nodded. He lifted his tank top and maybe flexed just a little bit as she reached out and touched it as she shook her head in disbelief.

“That’s really gorgeous actually, but you’re insane for this.” She giggled and he chuckled.

“Just a tiny bit.” He agreed as she pulled her hand away and he let his tank top fall back down. She had a mental image of scratching down his toned chest and torso while she rode him and immediately her cheeks went pink and he grinned, “What?” 

“What?” She asked as she glanced up to him.

“You’ve gone all red in the face.” He pointed out and she cleared her throat. 

“Nothing, I just…didn’t really think about touching you there and I guess the realization didn’t strike until afterwards.” She fibbed. He wanted to believe her, but her eyes had this kind of dark look in them that he knew was an indicator of something much more lewd.

“Oh…right.” He teased and she looked away with a nervous smile, “Hey, nothing to be shy about.” He said and she shook her head.

“I’m a little shy.” She said and he smiled.

“It’s OK, me too.” He assured and she scoffed in disbelief, “I really am!” He defended and she smiled.

“I’m just giving you a hard time, Harry.” She assured and he chuckled and looked down to where her hand was resting and he interlaced their fingers again and just looked at them together. His hand was swallowing hers, but he liked how dainty and small it looked in comparison to his own. But despite the size different he liked how they fit and she seemed to like it too as her head rested on his shoulder and he smiled. “I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel about everything.” She sighed and he hummed.

“That’s sweet of you. Maybe you will someday.” He said and she hummed.

“Yeah, whatever you need I’ll be there.” She stated assuredly and he smiled.

“Thanks, love.” He responded quietly. He did trust her and he knew that at some point she’d come through for him as well. 

“I have a question for you.” She said.

“What is it?” 

“Where’d you get that hickey?” She giggled and he laughed as well and shook his head.

“A failed hookup from last night.” He confessed and then glanced down at her and she was smiling, he wasn’t sure if she was just amused with his response or happy that he said it was a failed hookup.

“Last night, huh?”

“I was sad and lonely, OK? And…I thought that might help.”

“That never helps.” She pointed out and he chuckled.

“You’re right, but sometimes it’s worth a try, OK?” He defended his actions and she hummed.

“Yeah…I suppose. Why did it fail?” She asked and now he was red in the face as the memory resurfaced, “If you don’t mind me asking.” She added and he bit his lip as he thought about being honest with her or not. And well, considering how they were right now he felt that maybe this would kind of be laying it all out on the line.

“Ummm…I…kind of said someone else’s name during.” He said quietly and she started to laugh and leaned further into his hold through her fit of giggles and he chuckled as well, hugging around her as she laughed, “You’re laughing but that’s never happened to me! I almost cried from how bad I felt. But I genuinely didn’t even remember her name. I wasn’t even drunk!” He chuckled and she just continued laughing before she glanced up at him as she shook her head.

“I can imagine. I have secondhand embarrassment just from hearing that.” She giggled and he shook his head in shame again and she giggled, “S’alright though, s’always a bit weird when you first hook up after a breakup.” She assured comfortingly as she looked into his eyes and he bit his lip before he leaned down to kiss her again. A small ‘mph’ sounded between them as she wasn’t expecting a kiss then, but she easily gave in to him as his hands grabbed her face gently. His nose rubbed along hers as he pulled back a bit.

“It wasn’t Rebecca’s name that I let slip.” He whispered his confession against her lips and his eyes fluttered open at the same time as hers.

“Oh.” She whispered.

“Yeah.” He responded and he was nervous now as this fact settled between them. Diana felt that her entire body was suddenly burning from the inside out. Her tummy was flipping and turning with excitement and it was satisfying to confirm that just as she’d thought of him a few times now, it was the same for him. But even still, she wasn’t sure whether she should just run away to avoid acting on every impulse in her body or stay put to assure him that she didn’t mind. There was only one right thing to do because it was the feeling that was coming from her gut. She leaned up and connected their lips again, this kiss was far more sensual and slow, but the tension between them was palpable; they were in public, they had to show some restraint even when their bodies were begging them not to. It was a bit hard for her to want sexual intimacy with someone, but something about Harry made her feel like he was the one for her. The one that would change everything. They were startled apart by a dog that was barking nearby, but then he just pecked her lips with quick kisses a few more times, which made her smile, as they actually made some more distance.

“Sorry, got carried away.” She said as she caught her breath and he chuckled.

“It’s fine. Perfectly fine. Wonderful even.” He smirked and she playfully rolled her eyes.

“Ummm, I should probably head back, I’ve been gone way longer than usual.” Diana said with some disappointment.

“I literally live around the corner. Right over there.” He said pointing to the neighborhood behind the far end of the park, “I can drive you.” He offered and she smiled.

“As lovely as that would be, if Celeste saw the next time you’d see me I’d probably be in a body bag.” She joked as she stood from the bench and he did as well.

“Are you trying to tell me that she has violent and homicidal tendencies, because I can totally work on that with her in session.” He said with a playful smile and she shook her head.

“Don’t ruin the joke, Harry.” She groaned and he smiled and pulled her in by her arm.

“I’m not, it’s more funny actually because that’s totally within my skillset!” He defended as he pulled her into his chest and she hugged around his waist as he hugged around her shoulders. She sighed and then stayed silent as she listened to the steady thumping of his heart for a few moments.

“What are we gonna do?” She asked with some sadness laced in her voice. “This is getting more and more difficult, Harry.”

“I don’t know, love.” He sighed, “I literally don’t know.”

---- Tag List ----

suspended ATM until shadowbanning is lifted! PM my primary blog if you want me to message you when I update!

[sentinel04]

Harry from

sandpaper kisses, paper cut bliss by xodahafez

This fic is doing things to me I cannot even admit to my therapist

[drarryspecificrecsdaily]

2024.09.11

Complete fics posted on AO3 this day

1. Explosive Encounters by TotallyNotMagic [M, 31k]

►St. Mungo’s is far from unfamiliar territory for Harry Potter, but lately, he’s had the misfortune of repeatedly running into his childhood nemesis there. To make matters worse, London is under siege by a series of explosive attacks, and Harry’s boss has come up with the brilliant idea to assign a certain Healer to assist the Auror team. Years have passed since the war, and while Harry has taken up the mantle of an Auror, Draco Malfoy has completed his training as a Healer. Unforeseen circumstances have brought them back into each other’s lives, but after all this time, can they still be called enemies?

2. retrogade echoes by sectumsempra [E, 35k]

►during a particularly tricky case, harry found himself bumping into draco malfoy. but, really, there were more surprising things he found along the way. like the fact that draco malfoy was the dragon tamer waiting for him in romania.

---

Fest/Exchange

1. The Malfoys vs. Family Counseling by Anonymous [T, 24k]

►When Lucius is released from Azkaban, Narcissa is seriously considering divorce unless the entire family agrees to attend family counseling. Draco wants nothing more than to keep his family together, even if that means agreeing to visit the only Mind Healer that’ll accept the Malfoys as clients — Harry Potter. And boy, is Potter rocking the hot therapist look! How on earth will Draco survive these sessions??? ★ HD Hurt-Comfort Fest 2024 | @hd-hurtcomfort-fest

2. Piece by Piece by Anonymous [E, 6k]

►Draco Malfoy has a secret and it is driving Harry crazy. So what else is supposed to do but don his trusty cloak and follow the pointy git through the streets of London? He is Harry Potter after all. ★ HD Hurt-Comfort Fest 2024 | @hd-hurtcomfort-fest

[comfortficfest]

Comfort Fic Fest 2024 Masterpost

Here is a list of all the wonderful fics we've got in the first edition.

Cuddlebug by Sun_flwr

When the call from the adoption agency finally calls, Harry and Louis are surprised to discover that they have been tentatively paired with a young pup named Rami, who suffers from a multitude of issues stemming from the abandonment he’s suffered. But no matter the challenges, they know they will do everything they can to care for and love this pup as if he was their own.

The Bear Necessities by @silverstuff50

It’s taken nine tries, and nearly twenty quid, but Louis has won the bear. Harry’s been eyeing it up since they arrived at the fairground earlier, and every time they’d walked past the shooting gallery his boyfriend’s eyes had gone all big and hopeful. Louis can never resist that look. So while Harry had gone to find the loo, Louis decided to win him the huge, soft teddy bear as a surprise for when he returned. How hard could it be? Nine tries later, with Harry now at his side to cheer him on, he eventually manages to hit all the targets with his five shots, and the massive bear is finally in his gorgeous boyfriend’s arms.

I just wanted you to know (this is me trying) by @calumsboy

Harry pulls the cupcake out of his mouth, and looks at it. Chocolate flavoured with gummy bears and coca cola bottle gummies falling off the frosting. Yum. Louis' laughing at the sight of a pink Harry, and so Harry flips him off. That just makes him laugh harder. Asshole. Harry doesn't bother wiping the frosting off just yet. He likes the sound of Louis' giggles too much to really want to end them. But what he does do, is collect some frosting on the tip of his finger and place the dollop on Louis' scrunched-up-from-laughter nose. "Cute little bunny."

Puppy (Baby, I'm Pawrfect for You) by @yoursolosong

“So… what are we naming him?” “I think ‘Puppy’ is fitting.” “Haz… that's like me calling you ‘human’” Harry pouted his cute little pout and Louis wished he could kiss it off his face. Louis let out a sigh, “Puppy it is.”

In an octopus's garden with you by @liminalkittyfics

Autistic alpha Harry, a teacher, spends an overwhelming day on a field trip to the aquarium. Luckily, his omega, Louis, knows just what he needs.

Safe Place To Hide Us Away by @lunarheslwt

Weighed down by everyday stress, alpha Harry takes up nesting in secret. It takes a load of missing clothes and unravelling lies for him to realise that his omega would love and accept him no matter what.

Always Room For Pie by @leighllbealright

Gemma looks up at Louis. “You know what I realized the other day, Petunia?” “Hm?” Louis hums, not looking away from Poppy’s face. “In just a couple of weeks, it will have been a year since the day we met.” Louis freezes. “That…” His eyes wander across the room, taking everything in. “That can’t be… That can’t be right…” “Oh, but it is, my sweet Petunia,” Gemma can’t help but smirk. “Life moved awfully fast last year.” He turns to her, shock still all over his face. “A ye-ar?” He asks, turning the word into two syllables. She held a finger up. “One year.” “One year?!” He whispers. Gemma’s eyebrow jumps. “We could say it a few more times if you’d like?” She snickers, tilting her head and looking at him like he’s an idiot.

Louis and the Very Terrible, No Good Sleep by @nooradeservedbetter

Louis had always been used to sleeping in a puppy pile back home. It was something that just happened, with all of his siblings being omegas, they just ended up in a giant nest all together, and Louis loved to cuddle in the warmth, and breathe in the familiar scent of home. He hadn’t thought much about it when, after graduating from the local uni, he got a job offer in Brighton and had to leave the family den.

You Helped Me Through The Darkness by @sandrahasfaith28

What happens when Louis, who has only been aware of his submissive tendencies for a few years and was abused in his first BDSM relationship, meets Soft Dom Harry as his therapist.

We Chase the Stars to Lose Our Shadow by 50secsoflarry

Insomniac and someone professionally cuddling with them to fall asleep....They fall in love.

Good Soup by grapejuiceblues85

Harry is sick, Louis decides to be a good husband

My Hands At Risk, I Fold by @yourgorgeouscolors28

"Sometimes, when Louis first wakes up, he thinks he’s back in the hospital, and panic hits him." Or, Harry is a famous popstar, Louis is a famous football player and one injury changes everything.

Hold Me Tight, Don't Let Go by hssattelite28

Louis walked up to the front office to submit his paperwork, having finally secured his new job as a middle school guidance counselor. That is, until he was told that when he signed on the dotted line, they negated to highlight a few key points. For instance, teachers and staff only obtain paid time off during their cycles after they’ve completed 5 years in the district. If they take the time off before that, whoever substitutes gets paid out of the teacher’s final wages. He was then gently directed to the nurses office, where he could obtain a “Suppressants and Me” pamphlet and a number to the town’s doctor’s office. Or, Louis has to go on new suppressants, and they come with some unexpected side effects.

It Must Have Been The Wind by @goldensweetmemory

A small smile appeared on Louis’ face as his thumb hovered over the perfect song to play in this situation. He wanted to make sure Harry knew that he was always going to be an open ear for him, no strings attached and absolutely no judgment. And also the song was kind of annoying as fuck. Way too overplayed. But the message was clear. Lean On Me began playing through the speaker, the volume increasing as Louis held down the side button on his phone. The smile never faded as he lit his new cigarette, bringing it to his lips. The voices upstairs quieted down, a silence stretching and wrapping itself around the upstairs apartment just in time for the first chorus to play. He heard the sliding door click shut just before the second verse. He just hoped Harry understood.

Do you still remember feeling young by @Kleep

Harry and Louis are in the kitchen, just putting the finishing touches on dinner when Lucas comes home from work. What that really means, is that Harry is cooking and Louis sits at the kitchen island drinking a beer, watching Harry cook, happy the task is back in Harry’s hands. In the back of Louis’ mind, he knows that if Lucas was intending to talk to them tonight, dinner is his opportunity. While nervous, Louis hasn’t mentioned the impending talk to Harry even once tonight. When they start eating dinner he tries to be the very picture of cool, calm and collected. Louis has only taken about 3 bites of his meal when Lucas finally brings it up. “You know how I wanted to talk to you guys, right? Louis isn’t sure if he should put his fork down for this and give Lucas his complete attention, or just keep eating and let Lucas have the space to say what he needs to say. He decides on keeping it light, casual, nodding in Lucas’ direction.

The sign on your heart (it's reserved for me) by @darkinfinity

The one where Louis Tomlinson is a single dad and is finally allowing himself to start dating. Insert Harry Styles, a charming coffee shop owner who sweeps him off his feet.

In All Your Gorgeous Colours by @loudloudlove

Harry Styles is just your average 20-something. He followed his soul to a new town and now he works hard as a barman and lives alone in his little house. That is until he's swept off his feet... literally. When Harry regains consciousness, his entire world has changed. Everything that was once black and white is now flooded with colour. And the first person he sees is his soulmate...Liam. What Harry didn't count on was Liam's best mate...Louis. What is it about him that Harry just can't let go of? Why has his entire world been turned around? And is it really possible to walk away from your soulmate to chase a dream?

Route 43 by @elleseekeepdriv

When Louis' car breaks down, he's forced to take the bus to university every day. Little does he know that he will fall for the shy and sometimes overwhelmed curly boy who is always reading at the bus stop. The 43 turns out to be the best thing that happens to them...or is it each other?

Please Tell Me That You've Got Me by colourfulsuitmoon

A world where the nickname your soulmate will call you appears on your chest on your 18th birthday and Harry wakes up with the only name he hates.

Just a Minute More by kingofthefridaynight

“Look,” Harry said now, tapping Louis repeatedly on his thigh. There it was, the proud beam on Harry’s face, as he showed off a piece of fabric in a wooden circle. The bright yarn in the middle vaguely resembled a flower. Either way, Louis smiled, “It’s beautiful, angel.” “You recognise it?” Harry asked with a teasing smirk, wagging the hoop a little into Louis’ direction. “Or are you just being nice?” Harry knew him too well. He could read him like a book. That’s what marriage is about though, Louis figured, as he tried to squint at the flower to see what it was supposed to resemble. “I’m sorry, love,” Louis confessed after a second. “Tell me, though?” Or, a rainy day in bed, where all they do is enjoy each other’s company.

A Perfect Match by @AmITooLate2

Prompt: Louis and his best friend Zayn go on a blind double date. Louis finds his date to be Liam and Zayn finds his to be Harry. Oh, but Louis and Harry are soulmates. (Ziam can be too).

Well Versed In All Things You by Read321718

Louis has a migraine he's been hiding from Harry and Harry knows just how to care for him.

Oh, those summer nights! by unbrxkenhabits

Between sunsets, horseback ridings, waterfalls, movie nights and football matches, Louis and Harry get to feel the sweet taste of a young love.

[hsficrecommendation]

Hello Everyone! This is masterlist #4 (June of 2023!) for the all fics I have reblogged on this side blog I hold super close to me. Remember to leave feedback and reblog all the writings below!

Also, a huge thank you to all the writers mentioned, I adore you so very much and I hope you keep writing for yourselves &lt;3

••• JUNE •••

Valentine's Day | Y/N receives a special candy gram on Valentine’s Day. - @nationalharryleague

French Fries | Harry kept glancing at her as he drove. “M’sorry about our date,” he whispered. “I don’t know what you’re apologizing for,” she shrugged and reached over to squeeze his arm while he held the steering wheel. “I had a lovely time.” - @1d1195

Shy | Close | Motherly Love | Don't Leave Me | Mother's Day | ♡ When Harry runs into a perfect stranger at a supermarket, he doesn’t know what to expect. After having been single for over a year and raising Amelia without a mother, dating somebody new feels impossible… that is, until she wins over the heart of his daughter. - @harry-writings

Vogue Beauty Secrets | Actress!Y/N does the Vogue Beauty Secrets video, and Harry decides to help. - @astranva

Gonna be Better in the Morning | Jeff and reader get into a fight and Harry takes Jeff's side. (As always, there is a happy ending with lots of comforts) - @harryhoney-bee

Work of Art | A cute little fluffy artist!Harry piece with a hint of angst! - @nationalharryleague

Update | The Best Present | Harry falls for a mysterious girl from YouTube. - @watchmegetobsessed

When The Levee Breaks | You're a waitress and Harry is being stood up. - @songbirdstyles

Playball | ♡ The reader owns a bakery and hates baseball, but what happens when her town’s bigshot MLB player walks into her bakery and she finds herself catching feelings unaware of his occupation? - @writingsbymarie

The Con Artist | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | ♡ You're a wanted criminal and when Harry Styles, the detective on the case, finally catches up to you- he finds it difficult to resist your charms. - @gurugirl

Baby Steps | You’re Harry’s son's therapist, and he isn’t the only one you end up helping. - @enthusiasticharry

Mute | ♡♡ Where Harry doesn’t talk and falls in love with Y/n. - @harry-writings

Score and Smash | In which their university holds an annual boy vs girl football match, the highly anticipated game of the year has arrived and Harry and Y/N hate each other just as equally until Y/N is under Harry.

Quid Pro Quo | Another lawyer!Harry. Technically six years before this piece. Enemies to lovers with plenty of angst! - @talesofstyles

Six Months (Part 23) | ♡ Layla desperately needs a vacation and her Aunt and Uncle come to her rescue. So, at twenty two, she packs her bag and jets off to America. Harry took a break from education and is now a full fledged content creator on OnlyFans. At twenty, he makes more money than almost all of his friends. What ensues when these two meet and realise the windows in their rooms face each other? How will paper airplanes bring them closer together? - @fishnets-fingers

2022 : Masterlist #1 , #2 , #3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. 2023 : Masterlist #1, 2, 3 (June masterlist would be continued in the next list!)

My official writing account in case you'd like to check out my fics too: @0oolookitsme :)

[faeryblade]

|| The Ennui of Jonathan Crane || A Crane x Reader Slow Burn ||

Synopsis: It's just another boring afternoon at the office for Dr. Jonathan Ulysses Crane. Although, testing out his latest fear toxin is yielding some...interesting results.

Word Count: 5,534

TW: Dead Dove: do not eat. 18+ content, minors DNI. NSFW, SMUT. Gaslighting and manipulation. Mention of EDs. Degradation. Non-con. Implication of suicide attempt. Forced oral, anal. Use of aphrodisiac and fear toxin. Hallucinations. Power imbalance, therapist/patient. Age difference. Monster fucking (Scarecrow). Corruption. Ahegao. Creampie. Rick roll near the end.

Note: Uh, hi there. I got bit by a highly infectious idea and quickly developed super terminal Jonathan Crane!rot...which I guess I'm making everyone's problem now. This is the first chapter of a long Jonathan X Reader fic called: "Please, don't tell my psychiatrist-he'd kill me!"

Song: "Careful What You Wish For" by Jack Harris

Taglist: @caesariawritesstuff @greeneyedshooter @enochtopus-the-pressed

"I-I don't even know what I'll do. It's not like I can cancel now..."

Subject 76 picked at the fibers of her knit sweater anxiously, brows furrowed. There's a hitch to her voice. Her shoulders are slightly hunched over as if she's trying to protect herself from the topic at hand. Dr. Crane makes a note of this with a quick flourish of his ballpoint pen. Besides him, safe in her black iron cage, his pet crow, Nightmare, stares keenly at Subject 76.

"Plus, my friend has been planning this wedding for MONTHS and I'm her bridesmaid! I can't just not go to the wedding! I-I'd feel like...I dunno, like a bad friend-"

Subject 76 reached for the glass of water placed on the coffee table in front of her. She took a sip from it to settle her nerves before continuing to speak:

"Just the thought of letting her down makes me feel some awful way. Like, I don't know. I'm just, uhh. I'm just..."

"...Afraid?" Dr. Crane's smooth voice offers, almost seeming to reverberate in the air.

Subject 76 looked at her psychologist with a wide, doe-eyed expression. Her bottom lip trembled. It was a small, almost imperceptible movement that had Crane's pen scribbling furiously in his notes once more.

"No," Subject 76 denied immediately, then falters a second later, "Yes. I-I don't know, maybe??? I'm just anxious, I guess??? It's just that this wedding will be the first time in six years that I've seen my high-school friends. And I wanna make the right impression. I don't want it to look like I don't have my life together."

Subject 76 went quiet for a moment. Her gaze drew down to her wrists where thick, pink scars crisscrossed her skin. While the sweater she was wearing did its best to conceal them from sight, a few still peaked out and were clearly visible to anyone who had a wandering eye. Shame settled upon her.

"I've even started to...uhm. I..."

Subject 76 fell silent again. The woman returned to picking the threads of her sweater, tugging on its cotton weave compulsively instead of talking.

Dr. Crane glanced up from his notepad, peering over the top of his glasses to assess his subject. "Miss. Bree?" He asked, raising a single eyebrow. He waited for her to speak.

But Subject 76 pursed her lips into a thin line and ignored him.

Sighing, Crane leaned back in his chair. An edge of annoyance laced his tone as he addressed his subject...

"I don't think I have to remind you that the court has mandated your cooperation in therapy, Miss Bree. And...with anything I see fit to hasten your rehabilitation. Now, I wouldn't want to be forced legally to report you to your probation officer for resisting treatment. However, if I must-"

"WAIT!" Subject 76 cried out, terror in her eyes.

The smallest smirk twitched at the edges of Dr. Crane's lips, "Oh?"

Splitting open like a rotten pumpkin, the woman confessed that she'd started throwing up. 'Just small meals,' she'd elaborate further, attempting to lessen the impact of her words, 'Just the bad carbs and fats, nothing serious.' Subject 76 went on to talk about the dress she was trying to "look slay" for. How the bride had chosen a type of cut that left little to the imagination. And most telling to Dr. Crane of all; that she was frightened about what everyone would think when she wore it.

Crane placed his notebook and pen down on the accent table at his side, then steepled his fingers together, peering at Subject 76 with intent.

With hunger.

"Do you think your frankly lackluster endeavor to lose weight will be enough to stop the whispers and the gossip?" He asked off-handedly, making Subject 76 flinch in response, "And all the secret shared laughter at your expense?"

"W-what?"

"Just an observation, really."

Subject 76 looked confused. She blinked several times and wondered if she was hearing the what the doctor had said right. Or if somehow she was hearing him wrong instead.

"In fact, I doubt fitting into anything will improve your standing," Crane stated with a casual wave of his hand, "How do you know that you weren't invited to this...grand affair...as a joke?"

Shock spread across Subject 76's face.

"I-"

"If they were judging you in high school, six years wouldn't change anything substantial. They're no different than they were back then. Tell me, have you changed?"

Dr. Crane answered the question for Subject 76, not allowing her to explain for herself what he'd already figured:

"According to your records, you've been purging since middle school... And here you are now, still continuing to follow the same, tired, destructive pattern."

"Dr. Crane, I-"

Crane held up an authoritative hand.

"I digress, Miss. Bree," He said, "We've become a bit sidetracked here. Any form of eating disorder is categorized as self-harm. I cannot allow this to continue. As a mandated reporter, I'll have to tell your case manager. Unfortunately, I can judge by your previous history, that it's quite likely you'll be put on a 72-hour hold in a psychiatric facility. Probably here at Arkham. Contrary to Gotham's popular belief, we do treat normal citizens, too."

A fresh, new wave of panic bloomed on Subject 76's face. Tears welled up in the young woman's eyes. She shook her head, both hands rising up to clasp over her mouth, muffling the words she spoke and making them harder to hear.

"Hmm? What was that?" Dr. Crane nearly purred, making a show of leaning in closer to listen better.

"I-I can't go back there," Subject 76 replied with a choked stammering breath, "I just can't, doctor. I c-can't-"

Such marvelous fear...

Dr. Crane drank it in, savored it like fine wine. He wished he could bottle this moment to treasure for himself and keep forever. This was a human at their most beautiful.

"There is an alternative solution," Crane offered, only after Subject 76 looked about to vomit on his rug, "But I don't offer it to just anyone I treat. You, however, would be a perfect candidate."

"Really, doctor? I would?"

He barely suppressed his disgust as the woman shifted from fear-torn to hopeful at just the mere suggestion of salvation.

"Yes, but you'd have to submit to a new regimen and administration of medicine," Dr. Crane said, "Plus, we would be exploring novel paths of therapy that we've yet to approach in session. If I deem it productive, then I can forget about this reporting nonsense-"

Not to mention all the paperwork he'd have to go through because of it.

"-Does that sound amenable to you, Miss. Bree?"

"Yes!" Subject 76 answered brightly, "Anything to keep probation away!"

As if commenting on the woman's statement, Nightmare let out a series of loud, raucous caws that sounded strangely like laughter. Subject 76 glanced at the crow with uncertainty before Dr. Crane redirected her attention back onto him.

"Anything, hmm?" Crane asked curiously, taking off his glasses and tucking them into his breast pocket, "Well, that's good to know. It'll certainly make this next portion that much easier."

"Huh?"

Before Subject 76 knew what was happening, Dr. Crane was at her side; his hand gripping her ponytail and yanking her head back. She caught the sight of a spray bottle seconds prior to a strange, fine, orange mist enveloping her face. Crawling up the passages of her nose. Making her feel instantly dizzy and lightheaded. Sick.

"Yeeeah, that's right," Crane's voice cooed gently into her ear, "Breathe it all in, little lamb. Goood. Just like that..."

The effects of the toxin were instantaneous. With vested interest, Jonathan Crane watched as 76's pupils dilated until her irises nearly disappeared and her breaths came out in labored gasps that sounded painful. He grabbed the woman's wrist to check her pulse. His long fingers bit into soft flesh, leaving the crescent-shaped impressions of his nails in their wake.

"As expected," he spoke aloud, narrating more to himself than anyone else, "Patient is responsive to a 10 mg dose of K-series. BPM is at 125, within range of a common panic attack. Eyes dilated to 8 millimeters. Symptoms are much more evident than Batch 4. Most likely due to the introduction of fear prior to administration-"

A low, husky moan interrupted him:

"Mmmn, Doctor Crane. I feel so hot..."

Jonathan turned his attention back onto the test subject, who was trying to press her body to his in desperation. He felt his cock harden instantly. That spark of hunger he'd experienced moments before returned; but, it'd become ravenous now. Insistent. Snapping. It demanded to be fed. And this lost, little lamb was offering herself willingly to his opened maw. Who would refuse such a feast?

The darkness inside Jonathan took control.

Subject 76 gasped as his hand suddenly gripped her neck and pulled her closer. He grazed his lips along the woman's silky cheek, whispering softly into her ear-

"Hush now, child, your Shepherd God is here. All will be well."

-before blazing a trail of greedy kisses and bites down her shoulder, ripping off her sweater in the process. He threw it onto the carpet. Subject 76 hardly noticed. She was far too preoccupied with his explorations to care. Her eyes fluttered back into her skull as Doctor Crane teased the tender areas of her flesh with tongue and teeth. Searing heat coiled like a spring in the pit of her stomach. Another moan flew from her throat. Louder this time.

"Tell me how you feel?" Jonathan asked his prey with a commanding growl.

Subject 76 squirmed underneath his grasp.

"I-I need you," she replied, "Doctor, please! I need to feel you. I want your hands on me. I-I want you to touch me. Bite me. I need you-"

Jonathan Crane gripped her tighter.

"And how badly does that ail you, little lamb?" He crooned.

"I can't stand it!" 76 wailed out loud, tears rolling in cascades down her cheeks, "Everything's hot. I can't think straight! What's happening to me?!?"

A cruel smile curved along Jonathan's mouth. He could almost taste the woman's anguish. It was a delicious flavor. Irresistible, actually...

"You poor, suffering soul. Allow me to ease your troubled mind..."

Wrapping Subject 76's ponytail around his hand once more, Jonathan Crane seized control and dragged her face towards the bulge in his slacks. Surprisingly, she tried to resist. Visited by a brief minute of lucidity, the woman fought back on his grip, struggling (like hell) against the task he was setting her to. Jonathan scowled. He wondered if the toxin had worn off already? But another lusty moan from 76 indicated that it hadn't. It was just hitting her in symptomatic waves.

Whimpering as a new flood of heat overwhelmed her, Subject 76 wrestled with the metal buckle of Jonathan's belt and unzipped his pants. Her eyes widened upon seeing the monster that lay hiding in wait within his boxers. Huge, thick, and veined; the psychiatrist's dick eagerly sprang forth from its plaid, cotton bindings to greet her. It twitched with anticipation over what was about to happen. A sharp edge of panic sliced into her...

His cock was too big.

She wasn't given time to prepare herself. Crane's hand pressed down on the back of her head and forced his dick into her mouth. He slid his length as far as it could go, cockhead tapping the back of her throat before pulling out...then, slamming himself past her lips all over again. Each time, he pushed a little deeper, a little harder, until 76 was gagging and tears misted up her eyes. Jonathan let out a groan at the sight of it. The fear in those gorgeous, coffee brown depths made him want to fuck her harder and see how far he could push that mouth.

"Mmmff! Mmf-"

"Ahh, feels so good. Your pain is exquisite."

Subject 76 struggled as Doctor Crane increased his vicious pace and used her ponytail like a bar handle. He tugged, yanked, pulled, and directed every movement until she became nothing more than a living fleshlight. Forced to satisfy this tall, imposing beast until he was sated, 76 had never felt more helpless in her entire life. Despite that, a curious sensation was accompanying her loss of control; the enjoyment of his taste. A betrayal that she hadn't expected coming from her body! The doctor's musky flavor caused liquid heat to pool traitorously between her legs. As salty tang invaded her palate, a throb began pulsing upon her clit. Was she going mad!? How could any of this possibly feel good???

That's because you're a whore, sweetie.

The dulcet sound of her mother whispered softly into her ear. The tone was condescending, beset with mockery. Her father followed suit, his voice so clear (and vivid) that Subject 76 swore he was standing a few inches away:

We always knew you were a filthy pig, even as a child...

76 let loose a muted scream. Both her parents, in a unified chorus, continued their foul comments, prodding at every insecurity she owned while the only thing she could do was choke on Dr. Crane's dick and cry.

"Oh, you're in it now, aren't you?"

Suddenly, his movements halted. Subject 76 felt herself being hauled up by her hair to meet a pair of glowing eyes and a terrifying smile comprised of sharp, yellow fangs. She screamed again. This time, the sound was so loud it hurt her own ears. Gone was the famous psychiatrist, Dr. Jonathan Crane, and in his place...was a nightmare!

The monster seemed pleased by her horror. A dark chuckle rumbled from deep within its emaciated chest.

"My toxin has infiltrated your mind," It said with a relished growl, dragging 76 closer, "Past all your defenses. Can't you feel it tearing at your sanity? Breaking down your senses bit by bit? Reducing you to your most primal state?? Fascinating how a person can become so pliable with just a small amount of this in their system..."

Confusion washed over Subject 76. The monster was speaking eloquently. However, she could not understand any of it. Her brain had turned into a congealed soup-useless jelly-that sloshed inside her skull. Unable to make connections as it once had mere hours ago before she'd stepped foot in Doctor Crane's office. The ache between her legs was intensifying, the pulse tapping upon her clit less easy to ignore, and the sensitivity of her skin made even the smallest touch a torture. 76 cried out to God...

But only the God of Fear answered her: "Silence, lamb. Therapy is still in session."

One fluid motion was all it took for the terrifying beast to extract Subject 76 off the couch and up onto her feet. It dragged her across the confines of Dr. Crane's office, towards the gigantic curtain wall that overlooked Arkham Asylum's entrance courtyard. With a sharp and commanding tug, 76 was forced to stand before it, despite protest, so that she could see the goings-on down below. Another whimper fell out of her lips as her vision turned the gnarled trees and wrought iron fence outside into clawed hands. Five people suddenly stared up at the window from their spots on the benches near the Asylum's smoking zone. They looked so familiar. But, she could not remember why...

The monster slid behind her soundlessly. Its long talons crawled like many spiders up the sides of her arms. "This is who you really are inside, Miss Bree. Your truest self," It assured her, speaking in a matter-of-fact voice, making everything it said sound obvious and plain, "Just a trembling web of misfiring neurons in the amygdala attempting to rectify a reality too frightening to assimilate-"

The monster caressed her cheek.

"-I want to help you embrace your fear and truly understand it."

Those five people in the courtyard all raised their forefinger and, as one unit, pointed at Subject 76 with laughter twisting upon their lips. She shook her head. Averted her gaze. Took a step back to put distance between herself and the plexiglass window. Unfortunately, 76 was stopped by an unyielding wall of flesh. The beast's body was poised just a few inches away from her own and in response to her shame, it took a step forward, sandwiching her between itself and the tall, cold glass she sought to avoid. Subject 76 prayed to God again. This time, she promised Him that she would stop purging; that today was the last day she'd ever throw up her meals if He'd spare her life...

But only the God of Fear answered her: "What do you see, little lamb? What horrors keep you stuck in place?"

"I-I don't know!!"

Its spindly fingers roamed an idle path down her throat to settle upon her chest. She trembled as its razor-edged nails brushed against her nipples absentmindedly.

"I think you do," the monster insisted, "But you're resisting the awareness of it. We try to hide away from the shadows of our minds so we can live in peace during the day, don't we? It's only human. But you, little one, have nowhere left to scurry to. Nowhere you can run. The Scarecrow has come to show you the truth inside your fears..."

Allowing 76 no time to consider its words, it tore open her camisole top, exposing the bra that she wore underneath. The monster made quick work of the lace, discarding it into a pile on the carpet. Skeletal digits went seeking flesh. Subject 76 felt its boney hands grasp both her breasts and start to knead them roughly as panic washed over her. It pulled her nipples with hard pinches. First one, then the other. Then, both at the same time in a torturous rhythm that milked a lusty sigh from her throat.

76's eyes widened when she heard it. Had that perverted sound come out of her?

What a fucking slut!

That's the way she was in high school. We did it behind the bleachers, her ass was so fucking tight.

But she's so fat!!

So? The thicker they are, the thicker the juice.

Ugh, you're so gross, Mikey.

Voices from the courtyard outside intermingled with her litany of moans. The five smokers were talking, gossiping candidly amongst themselves, while they sneered at her from the benches they sat in. Subject 76 jerked away, tried to push off the monster so she could hide her naked chest and cover the shame that came with being seen. The monster didn't let her, though. Almost like it sensed her self-disgust, it pinned her up against the window glass and handled her boobs harder. Tugged and pulled them so that her rosy peaks stretched out. Pressed its throbbing, hard bulge into her ass so that she could feel it pulse. Licked a trail up the curve of her neck to taste the sweat on her skin.

The five spectators outside laughed in response to her struggles.

Pig!

Whore!

Slut!

Sudden recognition dawned upon 76. Those five, smirking people down in the courtyard were her high school friends. The ones that she would see at the wedding next week. The ones who hadn't seen her since graduation. Their blinkless stares drilled into soul her as if she were soft plywood. She could feel their scrutiny already. 76 let out a horrified scream:

"N-no! NO!!! Please! D-don't look at me!! Don't!!!"

Hot, fetid breath that smelled like decaying flesh tickled her ear when the beast spoke. "Ahhhh," It said with a sultry purr, "Scopophobia. The fear of being seen by others. Of having so many judging eyes on you. My, what a vain creature you are to think anyone would look at you? Well then, let's give your audience something...more substantial to gaze at-"

It yanked down her pleated skirt and pulled aside her thong.

"I want all of them to see and hear you sing hosannas of anguish to Scarecrow!"

Eagerly, the monster guided its cock to grind on the entrance of Subject 76's ass. And bit by bit, it pushed itself slowly into her tight, puckered hole. 76 clawed at the window as she felt this invasion begin to pump within her. Striking a curious spot inside her body that caused drool to trickle down her chin from the edges of her mouth. Each hard stroke that it gave Subject 76 made her cry, then moan, then scream, then beg the Scarecrow for forgiveness. But the monster continued to thrust (unempathetically) into her asshole without any regard. Bright stars exploded in rapid numbers behind her eyes. Building heat churned at the pit of her belly, threatening to combust. Her pussy became sopping wet as his busy hips smacked into her backside with more force, speed, and single-minded desperation than her mind could handle. 76 felt like she was going to go insane. If it kept pounding her like this, she would certainly die!

The beast let loose a satisfied groan as it tossed its burlap-shrouded head back, "Mmn, fuck, yes! Show everyone what a sick little dirty whore you are for the God of Fear. Let the many, many eyes witness your senseless fright, you pig!"

"N-nnnooo!! M'nuh a pig, d-daddy! I'm clean! I'm clean!!"

"You're as filthy as they come. There's no doubts about that," the monster growled low and darkly, clamping its taloned grip upon both sides of 76's hips to hold her steady while it readjusted inside of her ass.

Subject 76 squirmed.

"Be still, slut!"

This was the only warning she received before its cock went to work. Now, positioned at a different angle, the monster penetrated her ass deeper. A wave of euphoria and fear swept over Subject 76 as she felt sensation after sensation threatening to break her. In. Out. Faster and harder. Rougher. The sheer brutality with which it fucked her body senseless was quickly burning a giant hole in her psyche and rearranging her brain chemistry into a shape she didn't recognize...

A transformation, Subject 76 soon realized, that she was quite helpless to stop.

In fact, 76 found that she was starting to like this new state; moaning, panting, squirming, crying!! Begging for her life. Getting so thoroughly railed by the God of Terror that it forced her eyes to roll back and her mouth fall open and her mind to go completely blank with the only thought she had (or could adequately retain) being how amazing it was to have this monster's dick buried so deep inside her!! Subject 76 had even forgotten about the audience that was watching this.

Maybe she even wanted the audience to watch?

If she was honest, perhaps she'd always wanted that...?

"M'gunna c-cum!! I gunna-"

Something mixed between a scream and a moan flew out of her mouth as the monster hilted itself fully into her ass, sparking an orgasm that shook her entire body to the core. A moment later, heat spread inside Subject 76. Thick and gooey, it ran down her thighs and joined the nectar of her own cum. The monster continued rocking its hips and unloaded spurt after spurt of sticky warmth that never seemed to end. Aftershocks accompanied every lazy, squelching thrust. More drool trickled down her chin, more moans were wrenched from her throat. 76 was less of a person now than she was a fuck sock; mindless and wet and perfectly submissive. The terrifying beast that called itself the "Scarecrow" had freed her from all the worry and pain she'd carried inside and replaced it with inner peace...

And obedience to the God of Fear.

Dr. Jonathan Crane sighed.

The "Kappa Psi" series toxin was a success. After countless days and sleepless nights and seventy six clinical trials on his unsuspecting patients, Dr. Crane had finally created something even he was afraid of. The K toxin was a potent combination that fused Doctor Isley's plant pheromones with carbogen and cortisol. When administered, it'd attack the pituitary gland first. Then, hurry itself onto the thalamus, amygdala and prefrontal cortex, where it'd flood the victim in mixed signals that twisted fear and pleasure together. With the right type of psychological stress applied, a subject under the effects of K Toxin would be highly susceptible to subliminal messages. Dr. Crane had found on the third clinical trial that sometimes a complete and utter dissociation would occur where the subject was...altered after the toxin wore off. Around the fifth clinical trial, Crane discovered that he didn't need to do much to invoke that dissociative state within his subjects. He started feeling like a God who crafted his own men and women alike from the soil of fear.

But, after seventy-five trials, each one a success, he'd started feeling unsatisfied. Bored, even. And now, on the seventy-sixth trial, Doctor Jonathan Crane was ready to concoct a new formula. This time, perhaps, he would experiment with a toxin that'd stimulate a timed, cardiac arrest? It'd be a great way to study Thanatophobia.

"I-I obey...I obey fear..."

Interrupting his musings, Subject 76 muttered to herself on his couch where she'd been since he'd dosed her. Crane rolled his eyes. It'd been half an hour (already) and without so much as a touch or a whisper in her ear, the young woman had come undone. He adjusted his glasses, then peered up at the clock hanging upon his wall. He'd give 76 a grace period of ten more minutes before he used an antidote. After all, she seemed to be enjoying herself even if he wasn't. Her fingers ground into her groin while she chanted hymns to horror with tears rolling from her glazed over eyes. Normally, Dr. Crane would be enchanted. The K Toxin made his job as a practitioner of fear too easy, though. The finesse involved in scaring someone seemed almost obsolete, comparatively. A ridiculous and foolish notion but one that bothered him greatly nonetheless.

While Crane waited for the K toxin to subside, he scrolled through his unread emails...

Dr. Leland was requesting any and all additional files on the Page Monroe case.

Jeremiah Arkham had CC'd the entire asylum on the rules and guidelines regarding the treatment of patients. It was obvious this message was just for Bolton, however.

Dr. Bartholomew was reminding everyone who'd used the staff refrigerator in the past 24 hours to label their food containers and lunches to "avoid any confusion."

Mike Browne, a senior orderly who worked in the Intensive Treatment Unit, was reporting theft. A concerning amount of Propofol had disappeared from the medical supply.

And a "Mister E" had messaged him at midnight (three whole days ago) with an email that was mysteriously entitled: "Question."

Just as Jonathan was about to open the mystery email, a timid voice interrupted him...

"D-Doctor Crane...?"

Subject 76 was (finally) shaking off the effects of the toxin and coming back to reality. The woman looked confused, a bit scared as well. And when he met her stare from his spot, perched at the desk, Crane saw terror blossoming inside those doe-like eyes. But, other than that little detail, 76 seemed to have recovered enough for Jonathan to talk to now. Turning away from his computer and clearing his throat, he began to weave a web of (plausible) deniability that reframed the past hour or so in a positive light...

"Don't alarm, Miss Bree. You seem to have fallen asleep during our guided breathing exercises. It's a common thing that happens with patients who hold onto too much stress. Rest assured, you're not the only one of my clients who've passed out on that couch...and I very much doubt that you'll be the last."

Subject 76 immediately reached up towards her mouth, wiping it clear of leftover drool. Then, the woman moved on to smooth her hair and fix any wrinkles that she saw in her sweater. As soon as 76 felt put together, the woman risked peeking a glimpse at the doctor. That beautiful fear which he loved so much still clung to the edges of her gaze.

"So, all that was just a nightmare?" she asked Dr. Crane with a voice that said she couldn't be more relieved, "All the things I saw...they weren't real?? Even you reporting me?"

Jonathan raised a single, curious brow. He made a show of taking off his glasses, wiping them on the material of a handkerchief that he kept in his pocket, and returning them to his face before he answered the question:

"You had a nightmare, Miss. Bree? Well, that isn't all too uncommon, either. Guided breathing and meditation has been known to jog loose trauma from within our subconscious mind. That's why its use is so effective in a therapeutic setting," Dr. Crane said, then gestured casually over towards the wall clock, "But, I am afraid that will have to be a conversation for later. Our time today is up."

"Oh..."

"Let's schedule you for the same time next week. And perhaps this time, we can focus on staying awake throughout our session, hm?"

Embarrassment in the form of a rosy pink blush spread across Subject 76's cheeks at that small, wayward comment. She tried to hide it, though. Jonathan ignored this and led her over to the door, holding it open for the woman after she'd collected her things. As his patient walked by him, however, Crane froze her with an innocent question from out of left field...

"Before you go, Miss. Bree, I've been admittedly quite curious about something. It's my hope you can indulge me with an answer. What will you be wearing to your close friend's wedding, exactly? I'm not familiar nor particularly educated on the social formalities involved in such an occasion's dress wear."

76 paused, then replied as if commenting on the weather: "Oh, probably nothing. I want everyone to see my whore body. Wouldn't you, Dr. Crane?"

"Mm," Jonathan hummed in response before he closed the door behind her.

It'd started to rain outside. A light dusting of tiny water droplets were collecting themselves upon the glass of the curtain window beside his desk. Jonathan Crane could hear the pattering getting (progressively) louder by the second. He strolled over to his office chair, then sat in it. Watched as the storm rolled in from Gotham Bay and the icy Atlantic sea beyond it. Idly, he wondered if he'd ever meet a subject who could hold his interest? Or if The Batman, alone, would continue to keep that honor for himself?

Swiveling around to face his computer, Jonathan decided to open that "Mister E" email. He clicked once upon the subject line and was assaulted by bright green text almost instantly. A deep frown tugged on his lips as he squinted, trying to read the words despite wearing a pair of prescription glasses...

'Like a rhubarb, what also desperately searches for light in the darkest depths?

:3

I'll give you a hint: It doesn't crack or pop, but it can scream just as loudly in Arkham's basement.'

Underneath this was a picture of himself in a lab coat, administering a lethal dose of fear toxin to an Arkham patient who was strapped down to a surgical table. Another photo, in addition to this, was timestamped for a few minutes later, and it featured Jonathan wearing a badly stitched-up, burlap, respirator mask. The patient who was screaming in the bottom right corner appeared to be bleeding around the mouth and eyes. The final one was a zoomed in shot of his name tag while he was disguised in the mask: Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD.

He stilled.

Everything in the world went absolutely quiet. He could've heard a single pin drop. But the silence was quickly shattered by the sound of electronic beeping. Jonathan peered down at his waist belt to see that the Motorola pager he wore strapped to it was flashing him a message...

'9229.'

All the muscles in his jaw tensed.

Immediately, Jonathan turned off his computer and using a brass key (that he always kept close on his person), opened up the bottom drawer to recover a briefcase hidden underneath the cover of an internal partition. As soon as his fingertips brushed against the leather item, Nightmare let out three loud, ear-splitting caws from her iron cage. She spread her wings, then flapped them several times in apparent aggravation. The crow pierced Jonathan with a look that seemed to warn him of something that he couldn't logically discern. But, fear was not logical, he reasoned to himself...

...And the only thing there was to fear in Gotham City was the Scarecrow.

"Hold the fort down while I'm gone, Nightmare," he said to his bird, hoping that his request would help to ease her worries, "This'll only take a bit. It usually does."

Jonathan Crane strode out of his office with an incredible sense of urgency and ire. His old, leather briefcase was gripped tightly in his hands like a gun. Nobody blackmailed the Scarecrow...

Or lived long enough to tell about it.