#them won't work and my family is...well. I thought I could have my mum supporting me but she just can't seem to read the room

[sschmendrick]

Maybe I should go back to seeing my therapist, he was a good person, à l'écoute, but maybe I should explain why I stopped seeing him (on top of work load becoming unbearable).

Same with my psychiatrist though I think it'll be harder to see her because of the summer.

[holly-louisexox]

Ribcage X Andy Biersack- Part 12

Masterlist

"There's one thing you should know about me Delia Vincent, I don't date. Got no heart to break and emptiness is safe, keep it that way."

He was adamant in his choices…

…But then things changed.

Not my GIF

Author's Note:

Trigger Warning: This part does have a brief mention of the deadly C word (Cancer) so please look after yourselves if this is upsetting to you. Also feel free to message me if needed, I know how upsetting it can be, as someone who has lost someone near and dear to me to this dreaded disease. 

Also some slightly spicy content up ahead too ;P

-----------------

Shevy created a new group chat:

Hey, why didn't we make a group chat sooner? Anyway, anyone who's up for a shopping and exploring trip today, meet downstairs at the hotel lobby in 30 minutes. x

That was the text Delia saw light up her phone; it was from Shevy. It was weird, they had done 5 out of the 8 weeks of this tour already, but the home sickness was just starting to kick in. Sure, Delia was loving this opportunity, even with Andy being a total confusing prick, and she was talking to her parents at every chance given, but right now she was wishing nothing more than to just sit in her family home's kitchen with her mum drinking coffee as they spoke about everything and anything. Sighing, she thought it best to reply to Shevy, otherwise she'd only get her tour bestie knocking on her door instead.

Hey. I won't be coming out with you all today. Gonna just take today to myself and likely talk to my parents as I'm missing them. Have fun though. x

If anyone was going to understand how Delia was feeling, it was going to be Shevy and most likely Jinxx as Delia knew he was missing his son and wife a lot.

Message from Lonny: 

No stress D, hope you're okay. x

Message from Andy:

I won't be coming with you all today. Enjoy.

Typical Andy, Delia shouldn't have even been surprised, he was most likely going to hook up with some girl like always. It's not like it mattered to her anyway, truly, it did not matter to her in the slightest. Her concern at this current time was talking to her parents. 

"Hey mum." Delia smiles slightly as she hears her mother pick up the phone.

"Delia! How are you doing love? We were wondering when we'd next hear from you! How's everything going? Any updates from last time?" Delia's mother asks down the phone.

"Yeah it's still great, still loving every minute of it." Delia continues to smile; of course she had not told her family about how Andy behaves, that's a small detail they did not need to know.

"I'm so glad to hear that you're enjoying it. I hope you know how proud me and your father are of you. You've worked so hard for this for so long, you really do deserve it."  If Delia did not know any better she would say her mother sounded close to tears; Delia's parents always were so supportive of her life choices.

"Thanks mum, I love you." Delia starts to feel her own tears well up slightly, only 3 more weeks and she'd be home.

"Anyway I'm so sorry petal, your father and I were just about to leave for the hospital. He's got another appointment for his cancer remission, just to double check everything is still looking like the all clear." 

Delia feels her smile falter slightly. 3 years ago her father was diagnosed with cancer in the prostate. Thankfully with the help of treatment he was able to beat it and had been in remission for the last 2 years, of course the fear of it coming back was always in the back of her mind. This was obviously something Delia never liked discussing with people, she was always so afraid of breaking down and seeming weak; seeming weak is definitely not something she was willing to do in front of this band, especially Andy.

"Yes, of course. Send dad my love and let me know how he gets on." Delia nods even though she was aware her mother could not see her simple reaction.

"Of course petal, I'll text you okay? I love you." 

"I love you too mum." Delia smiles sadly before hearing the call end.

Petal. That was always the nickname Delia's mother had for her since Delia was a young girl. Delia's mother had always loved flowers, especially the dahlia. She had a single dahlia in her wedding boutique, which she called her good luck charm even though she knew she did not need good luck and that Delia's father was the love of her life. She knew that if she were to call her future daughter dahlia it would cause issues so that's why she chose Delia; it was so similar yet just as gorgeous in her eyes. A dahlia. The same flower on the pin that Andy had gifted her at the start of the tour.

Hearing a knock at her bedroom door Delia is instantly snapped from her thoughts. Surely it's not Shevy, they must have left by now right?

"Andy." Delia is shocked to say the least; never did she expect the selfish lead singer to be at the other side of the door.

"Hey Delia." He smiles awkwardly.

"Hey." Delia replies although it sounds more like a question.

"I um, I'm sorry about this past week. Things have been a bit weird haven't they?" He starts rocking backwards and forwards on his heels.

"Weird? You're the one who's been ignoring me!" Delia snaps slightly, she was in no mood for his confusing moods right now.

"Look Delia, I'm trying to apologise here, can you not make this hard for me?" Andy growls back slightly; as much as Delia found the guy attractive his moods really got to her. Would she lose her job if she was to swing one at him? Maybe it would knock some sense into him.

"Look Andy, whatever you have to say can it wait? I'm really not in the mood for this right now." Delia sighs; she had to be the bigger person and be civil, god knows it was rare for Andy to be the civil one.

"No it can't wait Delia." Andy remains firm but there's something that sounds vulnerable in his voice at the same time. "Look, I know I can be difficult to deal with okay? I get it. You, on the other hand, you are one of the most infuriating, most stubborn women I have ever met."

"This doesn't sound like you apologising." Delia cuts him off whilst losing her patience.

"Can you just let me finish?" Andy sighs taking a step closer to Delia and so he's inside her room. "Despite this though, I can't stop thinking about you and that is what truly confuses me."

"What?" Delia was shocked to say the least. Surely Shevy wasn't right about him?

"What the fuck have you done to me Delia Vincent?" Andy whispers slightly before shutting the door behind him and slamming his lips onto Delia's. 

None of this was in Delia's plan. None of this seemed right logically, so why did it feel right to her? Delia shouldn't be kissing this asshole back, so why was she? 

"If you want me to stop tell me now." Andy breaks the kiss slightly.

"I don't want you to stop Andy." Delia mutters back before she feels his lips on hers again; this time she doesn't hesitate to kiss him back and soon she feels him leading them both towards Delia's bed.

"Are you sure you're okay with this Delia? You know there's no going back after this?" Andy asks as soon as their bodies hit the double bed in Delia's hotel room.

"have you got a condom?" Delia asks to which Andy nods "Then I'm sure, I'm okay."

That was all it took for Andy to connect their lips together once more.

Yes Delia had her silly little relationships in the past and little flings but believe it or not she still sometimes felt awkward around guys. All these years her career has been more important to her than boys, whilst her friends were settling down with a family and a stable job, she was prepared to take the risk of instability to do what she loved. 

So why was she doing this? Why was it with Andy of all people? Maybe the saying is true, what happens on tour stays on tour.

[jemstone55]

I absolutely love ur writing! It’s so well done

I’m obsessed with the demon slayer!reader works u have!

Mum super curious how the Sullys and Metkayina would be like with a reader like mitsuri!

She’s super kind and affectionate with pretty much everyone but is also super strong like mitsuri

The sullys and Metkayina being really shocked at just how flexible she is😂

Despite seeing her basically one shot a RDA soldier after realising she’s helping them capture a bunch of kids (her absolutely loving Tuk cause she’s baby) and switching sides to help the sullys

AAAAH- i love Mitsuri!! X3

I can see she could bond with Lo'ak and maybe Kiri about being different since she gets judged a lot for eating so much and also for her hair colours during her childhood :')

And she'll be very supportive about everything the Sullys kids do. She'll praise the Neteyam about anything he does which would make him feel happy that someone acknowledges his achievements and didn't expect him to be perfect like his family.

Oof- now i feel like ideas are just bursting inside my brain 😂

I love your idea about the switching sides. But one thing is that i won't make Mitsuri!reader kill the RDA people,hurt them or fight them is a yes but i can't really imagine she killed her own kind,in demon slayer she'd sworn to protect her kind which made me think she'll also have that thought in mind in Avatar-

Sorry for rambling,i tried to stop writing a lot-

Mitsuri!reader might get post next or within three days!

[unluckyhoneybee]

I need to rant and get this out.

My experience right now on the route to self dx, self discovery and looking for support:

(English is not my first language, maybe there are some terms written wrong or something, I don't plan to offend anyone, I just literally translate a lot of stuff. If it's the case, tell me and I'll correct it)

I think it was around November when I started seeing these tiktoks about adhd. My first thought was to think that it was bullshit and those weren't symptoms, everyone taps their foot when nervous or stims a bit. Right?

Well, it started bugging me a bit when instead of this "cute and quirky" videos, more serious stuff started to shoe up on my time line. It talked about attention and focus issues, about adhd paralysis, sensory issues, executive disfunction, hyperfocus, etc. I related too much to all of this.

I decided to start researching about this. I literally hyperfocused on Adhd. I could only think about it, watch videos, read, follow people, etc. I discovered that no, some of those symptoms I thought were common for everyone were not. I discovered that yes, everyone can tap their foot when they are nervous, but it's something truly common for adhd people. It's a common trait.

Well, I reached the point in which I needed to start talking to someone. My friend as adhd. She is literally my best friend. I wasn't expecting a reaction like this. I told her I believed I had adhd and she said: No you don't, you are really intelligent. You probably have really high IQ. Cool. I felt like shit and tried to explain to her that I had been reading about certain symptoms and that it made sense. She made me list some of them and then told me that it wasn't adhd, it was probably just something else. "I am very sensitive to noises and crouds and going to bars makes me anxious" "You are really introverted" that shit hurt and for a couple of days I felt lost. At that point I was so sure I had adhd and many things had started to make sense.

Then I talked to my sister and she said, it's alright. What do you plan to do now? I don't know. I still don't know. But she stayed with me, she let me rant and understood, she asked questions and listened to me. Also, she had just made a friend who is working on her diagnosis and I'm so thankful because we are always exchanging experiences.

Coming back to my best friend. When the idea that I have sdhd settled back, I realized that it made her insecure. She is really insecure. She is not the best in the class, she had a hard time studying and passing exams. She always said it's the adhd and she truly believes that it makes you stupid or something (no blame to her, her mental health is on the floor and has too many problems to deal with and fix). I get better grades, I know a lot of stuff about nature, animals, etc so for her, if I have adhd and can pass some exams it means that she is a failure and could do better.

Then, after admitting that I have adhd I started talking to my mum and dad because I'm sure it comes from my dad's side of the family and there are many (dad included) that have adhd in there. Okay. My mum has her doubts. Again, I'm intelligent. How am I going to have an attention deficit?

My cousin (5yo) probably has autism. Everyone in the family is worried because he needs to be "fixed". Bullshit. Yeah. But I have felt very misunderstood for my whole life and I'm not going to play that game. I started researching because I read about Audhd and because Im 90% sure that the kid is autistic. I want to be ready if someone brings it up in my family because I know that they won't do it in a good way.

During this austism research, I started doubting. What if? Again the same process. This time I only told my sister. Watching how my best friend reacted and how my family talks about my cousin's "problem" I don't feel ready.

At this point, I'm almost sure I'm autistic. I ve read about masking, about how adhd and austism can hide each other when they come together, late diagnosis, how girls get less diagnosed, more and more symtoms... I've done countless of test for both, autism and adhd, and they all come out as positive.

The thing is I don't feel ready to reach for Profesional help:

I have always known I'm different from the people around me. I wasn't like the other kids, like my friends. I preferred to stay at home than going to the park. I had a room full of Playmobil where I loved to spend time playing, preferably alone because other kids didn't "play well" (they didn't play the way I thought it should be played). This feeling of being different has always been there, it's like feeling misunderstood. It doesn't matter how much you try to explain, they never fully understand.

My dad just thinks it funny. Jajaja, my kid says I have adhd. My mum still doesn't see it. So you have that too? The only person that supports me is my sister.

For ages i have been trying to tell them that I need boundaries, I don't like physical touch, I need a lot of alone time, I have meltdowns and shutdowns and sometimes can't manage my feelings well. Every time I try to stop them they say I'm rude or have the worst moods. Lili is so rude probably the sentence I have been told the most in my whole life.

I've read some stuff about how sometimes an asd dx can close many doors and don't have many benefits for some people.

I don't want to face my family and have to explain but I really want to because of my cousin. I don't want him to grow this confused because now I look back and many things would have been so different if I knew what was going on. I've felt like shit so many times because I couldn't work out stuff and function it like others wanted me to. If I only had an answer...

I fear negative results. If they tell me I don't have any of this disorders, I know I'm gonna break. Plus, I don't have that much money to go from therapist to therapist.

I really fear rejection and people doubting my words. I don't want to have to prove anything to anyone but I know that it can happen.

I'm in a place in which I have settled for this. My personal experience plus what I have learnt, tell me this is true. I have adhd and asd. I'm not in a good place to look for a proper diagnosis yet, so the self dx is the only option. I'm starting to open up and understand many things about myself and how my brain works but still it is so scary to have to tell people. My symptoms are there, they are just masked. But I also fesr that if I start unmasking people will tell me I'm making it up. So stay "hidden" is the only way right now and it's so frustrating and scary. I wanna feel better and I'm slowly working on it. I'm accomodating my whole life to this new view and it feels good. I don't fear noise canceling earplugs now, or staying at home or just moving away if I need alone time. The rest will slowly come as I learn more and more.

If you have reached this, thank you for taking some time. I needed to get all of this out. Another day, I'll talk about my symptoms and traits, I'm still ordering those and trying to see where everything comes from.

[pleiadesalien]

first post 11/11/24

i've been thinking all day about what to write as my first post back on tumblr after a decade. i've decided to write a daily diary on this blog, although i'm not sure why. i guess i just feel like i have things to say but no one around that wants to listen, so i might as well talk to no one here.

i woke up this morning with the intention of doing multiple things that need to be done and all i managed to achieve was brushing my teeth. today marks the beginning of the fourth week of being on sertraline (again), but also the first day of being on propranolol. i've felt nothing but lethargy.

the support line called again today, although i don't see why. i told him that i was demotivated as usual and he just told me that he hopes i get better soon. what was the point of that?

i made a pork rib stir fry for dinner but added too many chillies for my family to be able to handle. personally, i thought the sauce was bland and it wasn't spicy at all. it was not my finest work and i know i could do better. my cooking skills have severely diminished since moving in with my family, constantly having to de-flavour meals.

the soaps are getting good, i'll try to sum them up in a sentence. bernie came back in eastenders and tried to snitch on the six but suki told her to fix up, don't be dumb. deedee confessed to the police in coronation street that she attacked joel, but kit arrested lisa instead, and carla saw max and lauren with a bag suspected to be joel's. tina told vinny that she's his real mum after mandy refused to be blackmailed by her in emmerdale and now he's mad.

fat cat scratched her ear again. i'm really worried she won't make it to christmas; mum would be devastated. it's our first christmas at home without nan, so she can't lose her cat at her most favourite time of year, that's just cruel. mum put the christmas decorations up last monday 4th, that's how excited she is. it's very festive.

i'm dreading sdad coming home tomorrow. he's just too much and i need more than a day's break from him. that also means i actually have to do work tomorrow. maybe i'll get on the treadmill again but don't hold me to that.

i know this is some dry life i'm living. maybe it will be different tomorrow.

[lifeisspeachless]

years go by,

it really, almost funny to re-read over all of the things she wrote.

to try to feel,

to reminisce on the pain she felt. at that age. how could no one see. it hurts now. not because I feel it. but because I'm sad she didn't have all the support she craved. I wish I could tell her it would be fine. I wish I could say you end up being loved. and it's not scary. its wonderful.

mums fine, she's happy, she's not with him anymore.

its not who you wanted it to be, but thats okay cause she's happy. thats all you want for her. sure she didn't do the best job but with what she was dealt with its not bad. and look how good you did. I think pretty good.

that man who was supposed to be the first idea of love

the love between a father and their daughter

its fucked. but you taught yourself okay. you didn't let the decisions he made affect you. the terrible view of love he showed (the little - no amount it was) you take too much of a toll on 21 year old you.

wow 21.

I didn't even think we would get this far. 15...well maybe 17 was my end goal. yes I had one. it was that bad, but they didn't know. they didn't have to. cause they were okay. and that's all you wanted. for them to be okay. to think you were fine cause you were, somewhere.

you worked it out, like all of it. all on your own. cause you had to, it was that or______ I don't think I would've been okay with it. to know that I missed all of this. its been so beautiful. I do wish I could tell her. but she knows.

she knows this is all for her. to do the things she didn't think were even real. that people could just be human. and thats enough. not monsters waiting to take a big chunk out of you.

you know what you did, you're okay.

I think

I think it'll always hurt, a little. and over time that'll get less and less. but for now less it more than okay. there is so much you thought was not possible. and I don't think anyone will understand how hard everyday is, even happy days. they're the worst cause they're becoming consistent and its not normal which makes them scary. maybe this won't last forever, but take what you've got while you've got it.

I know it's not ideal, it never will be. cause she wanted for so much more than she got before all this was even maybe possible.

maybe there will never be the father daughter relationship, maybe there will never be one. maybe your parents will never love each other or maybe they never did, that doesn't change that you were created. your sister will always just be her. that won't change but its okay. its sad that its as if your family never existed, that you can't share the bond that everyone else feels. but make your own. you've done pretty well so far.

[beta-lactam-allergic]

I have to agree with @thisgingerhasnosoul on this @bisexualseraphim. I'm an gentile/goy who was born & raised in a culturally-Christian country (though neither me nor my parents are Christian ourselves, my parents both left Christianity before they met each other). But I could still see the western "Pro-Palestine" movement was sketchy.

Before October 7th, I naively assumed that if Israel got hit badly, that most leftists would realise how bad Hamas was. After all, I could see how bad they were & with the exception of my pro-Israel/pro-Ukraine/pro-Taiwan stance, there's not much daylight between me & a lot of leftists. I called myself a leftist until probably November (I don't know what to call myself now, the other labels don't fit either).

Just so you know @bisexualseraphim, I glanced at your profile & despite our disagreement on Israel, we agree on more than we disagree on @bisexualseraphim. I always find people like you the most confusing of the anti-Israel crowd because our other positions are similar enough that our thought processes can't be that different. And yet, we are on opposite sides of this issue as I despise Hamas & support Israel in its right to self-defense.

I also despise transphobes (a given, I'm transfem), racists (I'm white-passing but most of my mum's side of the family isn't & because Dad moved up here with Mum, that's the side I grew up knowing), queerphobes (I'm bisexual), ableists & misogynists. I'm not vegan or vegetarian myself, but I find the commitment of those who choose their diets on moral principles rather than taste or health (I don't eat red meat or consume drinks that aren't water for health reasons) to be worth admiring, rather than distaining.

If MRA means what I think it means, yeah those guys suck & I don't like thinking about them.

Your dislike of conservatives tells me that you are probably pro-choice, pro-euthanasia, support a fully decarbonised economy, improvements to public health care & public education & free tertiary education. Perhaps a guaranteed minimum income system (or even UBI), limits to the number of houses a single person can own, increased taxation of millionaires & billionaires, improved funding for the ATO (or your country's equivalent of it), reforestation of some areas that were deforested by humans in the past & free public transport that goes everywhere in the city regardless of time of day. Great, those are all positions I hold.

I too get frustrated by those who scream "they are only two genders". Those ignoramuses ignore the fact that intersex people exist. They ignore all the studies that show that transwomen's brains are closer to that of ciswomen's brains than cismen's brains even before the commencement of HRT, which does tilt it slightly further still. They ignore that other studies shows the same holds for transmen. They ignore the possibility that since we know that sexuality & biological sex are spectrums, than gender identity must be as well.

I agree that those who insist on a transmedicalist approach are being overly narrow-minded. I got my surgeries because I needed it to deal with my own dysphoria, which worked for me. But not all trans people have dysphoria. Of those who do have dysphoria, some don't want to take the risks associated with surgery which is fair enough, one mistake by the surgeon & you are dead (my surgeon required me to know the risks before approving me for surgery. He didn't take clients who didn't know the risks). Others literally can't afford the costs of surgery. Gatekeeping around whether or not you are post-op excludes our poorest members.

That's actually one of the things I like about Israel. Israeli citizens can get gender confirmation surgery covered under their public health system. And those who won't get GCS can still change their legal gender. I learnt this when comparing the rights in my country to the rest of the world before I had my surgeries. In Australia, we have to pay for GCS out of our own pocket. Most of us can't afford the exorbitant costs. I burnt through most of my savings paying for it. Also, at the time QLD still required GCS to get a legal gender change, which was scummy as we can die in at least three different ways if things go wrong.

And I agree that throwing xenogender individuals, non-binary & genderfluid individuals under the bus is just stupidity I'm binary. I identify solely as female. But the bigots want me dead too & throwing those who are xenogender under the bus won't save binary transpeople like myself, it just means we have fewer allies when they come for us (the LNP hates us, so if they win QLD in October, things will get bad here). Also I don't get why anyone cares if someone is xenogender or genderfluid. It doesn't harm anyone, why should anyone else raise a fuss about it.

I hate how our societies treat the mentally atypical. I have Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, Insomnia & Sensory Processing Disorder. Most of my relatives have some kind of neurodivergent conditions. On top of what I got, the following also appear in the family: Schizoaffective, Bipolar, Depression, PTSD, everything in Clusters A & C & most of Cluster B. We are basically just missing HPD (from Cluster B) & DID as far as I know. And even that may be because I'm not told everything. So I have seen & experienced how our society fails us.

As for the British monarchy. Yeah, they are useless wastes of space & I don't understand why we still fund their lifestyle in the 21st century. Just abolish it already.

So we agree on more than we don't @bisexualseraphim. But I support Israel's right to defend itself against Hamas & understand that some civilian casualties are inevitable when fighting Hamas. That seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Just saw some Free Palestine supporters on the road to my parents’ house and was about to wave at them but then I saw a couple of them holding signs making disgusting antisemitic jokes about Passover. Guys seriously how fucking difficult is it to just. Not do that 😭 You’re really not giving Palestine extra help by making horrible comments and jokes about Jews ffs can you not just promote support for Palestine without bringing hatred for entire minority demographics into it DURING THE TIME OF A RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY. It is remarkably easy to criticise Israel without antisemitism and if you can’t do that then maybe you should stay out of the movement because you’re causing much more harm than good

[bitsandbobsofwriting]

What was everyone like as kids or what are they like with children?

(Headcanon Masterlist) (Full Masterlist)

I've literally been WAITING for this one (what they're like with kids)!!!

I have. Thoughts.

How they are with children:

SO. Arthur isn't great with children at first but not in the way that he's mean to them?? Like he's really lovely and supportive and sweet (because subconsciously he can't imagine ever treating children the way he was treated as a child), he just doesn't know what to talk to them about or how to treat them. He's really bad at knowing what is appropriate for children of various ages. Like... can a five year old sensibly hold a full length sword? Yeah probably. Can a seventeen year old be told about the birds and the bees? ABSOLUTELY NOT ARE YOU A LUNATIC THAT IS A TODDLER??? But I feel like once exposed he picks it up really quickly. Like it only takes him a couple hours at most with a group of children for him to get a good handle on how to deal with them, even if internally he feels a little overwhelmed.

Merlin is one of two extremes and I can't make up my mind. Either he's INCREDIBLE with kids, like ultra paternal and sweet and doting, super responsible and knows exactly what children need/want at any time. OR he's the complete opposite. A child hugs him to thank him for like... saving the village from a magical beasty or curing his mother's flu and he just... freezes, arms up in the air, eyes wide, looking around desperately for help because... there is a child on him... it won't get off... what do I do... "uh... there there, uh... no problem... please can you... uh.... where's your mum? Go... go find your mum... please." which everyone else finds absolutely hilarious, because he's normally such a sweet and affectionate person but when it comes to anyone who is obviously below sixteen years old, he just... doesn't know what to do. To be honest, I do lean more towards the first option, but maybe he, as a bastard, wasn't allowed near other children back in Ealdor, and certainly wasn't treated like one by anyone other than his mother. BUT as a physician, and a generally caring person, he'd be gooooood. Who knows, really.

We already know that Morgana is really good with children, naturally so, though I think the first time a child like... cries, or throws a genuine tantrum, she'd definitely be thrown for a loop. It would take her a little practice (and she'd need to persuade herself as well, because she's so worried about being overly cruel) to figure out when it's time to stop coddling, and start being stern. But once she gets the hang of it she's an absolute whizz.

Gwen practically raised Elyan, but they were a poor family with a working father and no mother after a certain point, so I think maybe she's a little... not sterner, but stricter? She worries more, because she worried so much about Elyan when they were younger, it's kind of ingrained at this point. She's definitely intuitive to what a child wants/needs, because she didn't have much time whilst she was looking after Elyan, so she had to figure out what he wanted/needed as quickly as possible so she could move on to other things. But all of this isn't to say she isn't fun! She's cool and funny and playful!! Kids love her!! They just pick up on how stressed she is sometimes.

Percival is great with young children(like below ten)/toddlers/babies, but gets a little awkward when they hit teenage-hood. Not me latching onto the headcanon that the "family" that was killed by Morgana (except it was Morgause in pretty much all of my AUs because Morgana doesn't go evil if I AU hard enough) was a wife and young kids. But yeah, his kids never got to become teenagers, so he never had any practice, and has a tendency to talk to them as if they're younger than they are (and if you've never interacted with a teenager... that is a sure fire way to piss them off lol).

I feel like Leon is the opposite though. He's dealt with a LOT of squires over the years (including a sulky, arsehole, teenage Arthur) so he is a PRO at dealing with teenagers, but younger children? Nope! Don't get me wrong, he's nice to them, but he has utterly no concept of how to deal with them. I feel like if he has any siblings, he's the middle or eldest (he gives off middle sibling vibes, don’t ask me why) child, but they're all pretty close in age, which means no experience with people far younger than him. OR even if he does have siblings that are a lot younger, he came from a Noble family that would have had nannies and carers. So yeah. Teens? Incredible! Younger? Awkward.

Elyan is in the middle. He's not overly fond of children, certainly isn't ready for any himself and isn't sure he ever will be, but he's nice to them. I don't think anyone in the gang, even the ones who don't like children, are nasty to them, but Elyan certainly leaves any children to be dealt with by someone else, if at all possible. The older they get the better he gets, though he's definitely still awkward with teenagers, maybe because he's still pretty young, and has his older sister around, so he doesn't feel like he should be in charge of them?? It would be like putting a uni student in charge of a group of sixteen year olds. Like... yeah, there's an age gap, yeah, he's technically smarter and older and more experienced than them, but it's still... weird.

Gwaine fucking blows everyone away. He is AMAZING with children and nothing will ever persuade me otherwise. Everyone worries that he would be reckless and irresponsible, but he's so not. He is the perfect mix of fun, and stern; kids respect him and do what he says, when he tells them to stop doing something naughty for example. He tosses them about and plays boisterously with them, but after even a second of watching you can tell that everything he does is measured and well placed and the kids are never in any danger of being actually hurt. I don't know if this comes from experience with kids, or if he's just naturally good with them, but yeah. Kids love him, and everyone else is perpetually baffled at that fact that he genuinely knows what he's doing.

Lancelot I feel is kinda similar to Elyan, but he likes kids. He tries hard to be supportive and sweet and loving and comforting, but he's just a little awkward sometimes. He's desperate to be a father one day, and to have a big family, and I feel like once he's got his own kids he'll be a natural, but before then he just... misses the mark occasionally, only slightly (Merlin teases him relentlessly, Gwen thinks it's cute).

Mordred is still a baby himself, but Druid clans are very tight knit. In my mind he's like Merlin, in that I can't make up my mind on whether he's TERRIBLE or INCREDIBLE. We met Mordred as a kid and he was quiet and withdrawn and... not to be mean, but creepy. But he's such a sweet seventeen-ish year old, so who knows! Maybe he could've grown out of that creepiness really quickly. He's definitely weird with teenagers though, because he outranks most teenagers he meets, he's buddies with The King... but he himself is still a teen. So it’s a bit weird. When he gets older he’s definitely gentle and educational to kiddies. Arthur is his idol after all, and he remembers the way Arthur took him under his wing.

I feel like Gaius is... good with kids, but nothing exceptional; he’s no Gwaine or Percival or maybe-Merlin. He’s a physician, and likely had plans of having children before the purge, so he’s decent enough but he’s not a natural. It takes a bit of patience for him to be able to deal with them, especially when they’re not doing what they’re meant to. He can console a sick kid, but will mostly leave it to the parents/Merlin, and he can make kids laugh, but he doesn’t really play with them or entertain them or anything. He’s decent enough, good even, but he doesn’t really have the time or energy to be any better than that.

~

I hope that’s the sort of thing you meant!!! I’ve held these opinions for quite some time😅

Keep ‘em coming!!

(and if you send me romance/relationship based ones, give me a ship as well please, I don’t write reader inserts or anything close)

[who-peed-in-your-cheerios]

I'm feeling the best I have since a short period of time in 2016. I tried to stay afloat, burnt out, quit my job and gave up trying to transfer my nursing license, broke down, spent a year in bed, picked myself up, started new meds, got access to support and disability, restarted therapy and started a graphic design course. My basic functioning slowly improved. I was still depressed, anxious and suicidal, but it was stable.

Covid knocked back my mental health and progress a lot, suddenly I had no access to support, no routine or gym or outside access (we had 100m limits at one point and weren't allowed to sit down). I'd been stuck in a continuous relapse recovery cycle over the last few years and lockdown made that worse. Luckily I was already seeing my therapist online, our work got interrupted but I learnt some different lessons and things about myself ha. Began to make progress again, had a big setback in January related to winter, covid and isolation and my best friends mum dying. I thought that was it that I had fallen back and wasn't going to get out of for years.

But here I am I'm through it. Summer made me feel lighter, I've begun to function more than I have for the last few years...it's new and I'm scared it won't last but for now I just have to make the most of my time. I don't weigh myself anymore and haven't for a few months but I believe I am weight restored and have broken that relapse recovery cycle. I had lapses and I thought it was going to be the same old story but with my therapist we finally did things different, those lapses didn't turn into a full blown relapse.

My suicidal thoughts are there, chronically, but I feel more neutral about life. I have SH and restriction urges but I'm not acting on them. My anxiety (and selective mutism when I was younger) which was the cause of my depression/ED etc is still so incredibly disabling but I'm taking steps to start working again and be more independent.

I'm in the best place I could be at this moment, it's summer and I have professional support as well as my family and friends and my food and body are in ok places. Maybe like always I'll fall right back to rock bottom, that's usually what happens, I'll probably be back here in a month writing how its all fallen apart, but in the meantime I can enjoy the small things. I can't imagine a future for myself but I can live day by day for now. I'm still mentally ill as fuck lmao but I'm hoping I'll reach a long stretch of stability and managing to live with my illnesses and growth and progress because I'm bloody due for this, I deserve better.

[duchessofostergotlands]

Hi, Jess! Hope you are doing well. Can I share something with you? I came to London in a very prestigious graduate programme at the LSE but within a month I am pretty sure that I am not prepared for it. It’s a two year programme and I can realise that I am not passionate enough about my subject anymore to work as hard as I will need to bring myself up to speed and I am very scared of not being able to progress in to the second year of my degree as well and losing a lot of money through tuition and living cost. My heart is telling me to go back right now but I am so afraid. You always seem so wise, can you please give me some advice on this?

Hey :) So I am very touched that you would trust my advice and I can tell that this is obviously a really distressing thing for you. I think that because I don't know a lot about you - your financial background, what the course is and how it plays into your future career, your family and support networks etc. - I probably can't tell you what to do. I would feel like that's way too much to put on my shoulders haha. Generally I always think people should prioritise their wellbeing but at the same time I think when we're stressed or worried we can make rash decisions which benefit us in the short term but are unhelpful in the long term, it's that flight or fight mode we fall into when our emotions are overwhelming us. I can offer some advice on some things you might want to do to help you make that decision but I think ultimately it has to come from you.

I would firstly advise working out exactly what it is that's worrying you, both about the course and about leaving it. Is it that you're just not into your subject anymore? Or is it that you're feeling overwhelmed/home sick? And are you worried about leaving because of what it could mean for your career? Or are you worried about telling other people? Spend a little bit of time mulling these things over so you really understand what's going on. Then I'd speak to your support networks. That could be friends on your course, friends from back home, family, whoever. They probably won't be able to make the decision for you either but they can share whether they've felt the same way, they could offer their own advice with more knowledge of your situation and you can have a more in depth discussion with them where you can share more personal details. And lastly, talk to LSE. It's quite a while since I was at university and LSE may be different but there's usually student counsellors or as you're on a grad programme I'm sure they have some kind of academic advisor for you. Because maybe through that period of reflection and talking to your loved ones you'll realise that you need extensions on your deadlines or you need more support between lessons or you want to transfer to another programme and they'll be able to explore with you whether those options are realistic and what needs to happen to achieve them. They'd also be able to tell you what would actually happen if you did decide to drop out so that at least you know clearly what your options are when making your final decision.

Good luck and do update me if you want! Either way you at least recognised this really early on. I was in my third year (of four) before I started thinking I wanted to leave (I stayed in the end) but you are having these thoughts early enough that I'm sure whatever you decide it will work out for you. This is where me not knowing your background could make what I'm about to say insensitive but honestly, you can drop out and go back a few years down the line. You can stay and graduate and then decide you want to do something else. These major life decisions always feel so so big but my mum always told me there is almost nothing that's so bad you can't come back from it, even if it takes time and feels messy for a while.

[soniabigcheese]

My Fanfic Journey

Just looking back at my writing life ... I suppose I've always had a vivid imagination due to being restricted on what I could/couldn't watch on the tv. We only had three channels anyways. Oh how times have changed.

So I spent the majority of my childhood reading, listening to the radio and drawing.

It wasn't until I made a (now seriously EX) friend and she introduced me to the Beatles. That's when I suppose my fanfic started off in its infancy.

Obviously I never published any of those works and scrapped them when we had a major falling out. Won't go into detail but there's still a rift between us even now. But instead of feeling angry towards her for her betrayal, I feel sad for her.

But nuff said about that, that's past history

Anyways, I moved onto another phase in my life and yet another piece of inspiration. I volunteered at a summer playgroup of disabled kids of all ages and disabilities. Met a few friends there, including a young boy who has spina bifida (I think) and I must have impressed his mum because she asked if I would babysit this boy.

She had some pewter dragon ornaments that I instantly fell in love with and started my own collection. I still have them right now.

Which inspired me ... again ... to write about mythical creatures. I still have the handwritten and typed manuscripts that I have hung onto for all these years. I even made some illustrations to accompany some scenes. Hubby kept wanting to throw these put, but I stubbornly clung onto them.

My book reading changed as you do, over the years and I got into Jackie Collins and was ... inspired again ... to write my own 'sleazy novel' still unpublished. And mixed it up with a movie that also inspired me.

Well .. not the movie as such, but the actors in it. I had definite ideas on who would play my characters.

On reflection, it seemed rather stupid right now.

After my mum died, I kept writing to keep me sane, but the loneliness crippled me as well as money being extra tight. I was barely struggling along. Found my family (I was in long term foster care but only knew my foster mum so she was my mum completely and nobody could take that from me), and moved to where they lived.

Biggest mistake of my life and I regret it right now. But that's a mistake that I won't repeat.

In that time I also struggled with writing.

Hubby came along and it stopped completely as he took over my life, I got a job ... several actually. But I slowly got back into writing again.

This time it was a computer game. Colonisation. I was so hooked on this that I decided to do a load of research into the Colonies and pioneering. And wrote yet another unpublished story.

Then Sims came along. And whoa! Did my imagination run riot. Those pixelated critters had me in stitches. I joined some forums where I finally took that brave step and start publishing my stories.

And that's where I discovered that the green eyed monster of jealousy reigned supreme. I was just posting my stories but people thought I was getting too big for my boots and sought to topple me from my 'supposed' pedestal.

I quit those forums/message boards and thought ... why not have a go at doing a course on Creative Writing?

That obviously didn't work as I'd expected. Hubby was annoyed that I didn't give him 100% attention and thus went on his crusade to crush that ambition out of me. And I never completed it.

I still play Sims and still have stories to write but that spark is just that ... a little spark.

Which brings me to the present.

And Thunderbirds.

My little spark has returned and with an amazing group of like minded fans ... I am once again flourishing. Although not to the capacity that I used to have. Inspiration happens in fits and starts. I have a ton of WIPs and many many unfinished stories over the past 6 years since I joined the fandom.

But I am grateful for everyone's support

And thank you

*exit left off the stage*

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

i am very much enjoying my vague void! it's currently blasting hozier at full volume and that's almost louder than my internal screaming (don't worry, everything is fine, i just saw a spider)

i've never once in my life have followed a recipe correctly. all of my measurements are completely random and whatever happens happens. it is no longer in my hands. whatever eldritch entities exist take the wheel. and i absolutely refuse to spell anything in english without autocorrect because y'all have way too many double letters and random vowel placement

thank you! sadly, i won't have a break right now, because we just had christmas vacations, but the start of the new semester is always pretty chill. and you're absolutely right, i should take up necromancy! the snow and the cold will add to my mysterious vibes. i just need to get a big black cape with a hood to complete the aesthetic

i definitely picture everything above 5'6 feet as the same height. 5'7 and 6'2? the exact same thing. no difference here

how is morepork a real bird name. it's just... more pork? but the bird is magnificent. i completely approve of your first order as bird queen, not that you need approval from mere peasants like me, but it's a great order. ohhh salps look really cool, and it does look a lot like it! when you said boob implant i thought of mermaids and them using salps as boob implants but then i realised wait wouldn't jellyfish be better for that? because of their shape? ignoring their little leggies they're quite boob shaped, no? and then i realised that i was thinking about mermaids and alive boob implants... if i had to think it, you have to read it. i'm sorry

i was sold before but now i'm even more sure that i want to hire you. and I'll make sure to have lactose free cheese for the backflips (unless you want the lactose version? i'm not judging). will the biting of ankles cost extra?

that sounds like a brilliant set-up for a horror movie where they kill off all the children one by one. it's absolutely horrifying. if something like that would've happened to me i would've most likely just passed out. whatever happens afterwards is not my problem. and now i really don't want to know what the hell your leg was caught on because that seems like knowledge that would get me killed

ah so you're a fellow dirt eater? according to my mom my favourite thing to do outside when i was a little kid used to be eating sand. just shovelling handfuls of it into my mouth and crying when my mom made me spit it out. which i refuse to believe. if there are no photos it didn't happen

you warm climate people are starting to make me think that i'm better adjusted to the cold than i thought i am! it's either that or our buildings are better heated. i definitely don't know if anyone else calls hot water bottled hotties but i like it so from now on i'm using it

that's so cute! i was clearly a way more selfish child because when i found any amount of money i just kept it and bought candy as soon as i could. i clearly couldn't save money then and i can't now. we have stores like that (or i'm assuming that they're like that solely based on how they sell lollies) and they used to be my favourite thing because you could get so many lollies for such a small price!! and my mom even used to let me order for myself sometimes so i always felt like a very big girl jsjshsbsjk

also the fact that i can't send pictures on anon is a crime (yes i know why and it's good that that's not possible because can you imagine anons being able to send pictures? oh no is all i have to say about it) but anyways. because i have this one super cursed photo that reminded me of you and now i can't share it :((

duuuuude, sick void bro. sounds like a vibing void. I feel like I haven’t seen a spider in awhile. Other than daddy long legs. But they’re chill. They mind their own business. 

I nearly always follow recipes exactly. My mum is like oh cook this for about 7 minutes? Yeah sure. I’ll take a wild guess. I’m like they say exactly 7 minutes so I’ll set a timer for 7 minutes and start a stopwatch so if it does seem to need more than 7 I can keep an eye on the extra time and be aware of exactly how long it takes me for next time. Other people are like oh let's see I have [lists 5-10 things in their fridge], hmm...oh I know what I could make with that! I’m like I have beans in my freezer because one recipe required them and no other recipes I know how to make do so what am I supposed to do with these now,,, this is stressful,,, basically I barely know how to cook and recipes are the only things saving me in that area. That is entirely fair. Except for the fuck duck, and murder is not the word you want surely, situations, it’s pretty helpful.

Ohhh I see. At least the start is chill! For a little! Before your entire situation spirals out of hand and you’re behind in every class and it’s taken you a whole day to read 10 pages and you’re exhausted and it’s only week 2. Just me? ok. fair. anyway. I want a cloak so bad. One of my uni friends tempted me to class because she said she was wearing a cloak so my depressed ass honest to god dragged myself out of bed and to said class just to see it. It was worth it. They’re incredible. Everyone should own a big cloak for the aesthetic.

I’m glad it isn’t just me hahaha. I can visualise my own height in feet but everything else is just the same size that is a vague amount taller than me, mentally.

It’s also known as the ruru. But the name morepork amuses me. It’s named after the call it makes haha. It does sound like it’s asking for more pork if you know to listen for that. thank u for ur approval, it means a lot, turns out becoming bird queen didn’t ACTUALLY get rid of my anxiety disorder weirdly enough so validation is great! lmaooo. What if the jellyfish stung them tho? At least salps wouldn’t do you dirty like that. The mermaids would just look like there are hundreds of bugs crawling around in their boobs, flesh shifting as they float around. Which is a vibe. If you’re into that. Jellyfish WOULD make a more solid, single, implant, some of them are definitely boob shaped. But that’s kinda boring no one’s gonna be traumatised by that. Salps on the other hand...yeah, that sight will DEFINITELY traumatise someone.

To be PERFECTLY honest I haven’t done a backflip in years but for lactose-free cheese? Dude. I’ll be going back to training. Gonna be the best backflip you’ve ever seen. As long as it’s not Tasty cheese I am content, but lactose free IS better. The biting of ankles will not cost extra, it is a pleasure to be allowed to do that.

Oh it absolutely would be. It’d be very funny if it reached the wider world bc people would probably be like ok but who would send kids into the bush like that,, it’s an odd concept. meanwhile everyone who grew up in nz is gonna be like y’all, you’re not gonna fuckin BELIEVE what i experienced growing up, it’s real dude. On one hand, I feel like murdering kids in a movie is questionable, on the other hand, It exists, so maybe people would be down for it. I feel like it’d be a good concept even if it wasn’t murdery tho. Like psychological horror? I’m not sure if I’m using that category correctly I don’t watch much horror. A kid following the rope but then being shifted into a different horror dimension but they never take the blindfold off because their teachers said not to and they’d probably have to let go of the rope to do it...I feel like this could work super well as a short film. The viewers see everything. The child just knows something is off and no one is coming when they call for help. I am so down for this. I also do not want to know what my leg was caught on. Some things I am better off not knowing.

yes! I am a fellow dirt eater! We had a sandpit at home (that’s a little bold. It was a large plastic shell that my parents filled with sand. technically a sandpit. but not fancy sdflsdkfsdf) but I don’t think I ever tried to eat it. Then again, I possibly did and just don’t remember because there’s no photo evidence of that one. I’d have to ask my parents sdfhsjdfs, I would however fully believe them if they said yes. it’s very characteristic of me. I don’t doubt it for a second. muuuum that’s my emotional support sand don’t make me spit it out smh the disrespect these days.

Oh I’m absolutely terrible even by most people’s standards around here when it comes to cold and hot temperatures. I remember sitting in the sun in my school shirt and school jersey in summer on a blazing day like it’s a bit chilly, isn’t it? Meanwhile my friends were in the shade absolutely dying from the heat. Likewise in winter I’d be shivering, teeth chattering, dying with my long sleeve thermal, my school shirt, my school jersey, my school jacket, my longs, warm socks and sneakers and gloves and school scarf while ppl would be walking around in a shirt and shorts like it’s a bit warm this winter huh? my body didn’t learn how to thermoregulate and it shows. But yeah NZ does also have a reputation for shittily insulated buildings and such. It shows. skhdfsfs if it’s not common use maybe don’t say can i have a hotty to someone without context but otherwise go ahead lmao. it’s a fun shortened version.

I was typically a very good saver, to the point where my extended family started gifting me gift cards and vouchers for Christmas and my birthday because if they just gave me money I’d put it in my bank account to save towards uni once I hit like, 12 years old. Which I think was a smart move. But apparently, I’m supposed to buy myself ‘something nice’ with it. I think I’m still an okay saver but I’m not as strict anymore. I’m aware of how much I can spare and I’m not just like you can never get anything for yourself ever, so I do get lil things for myself sometimes. oooo yay! At least you know what I mean. But yes. They were the gold mine for lollies. Absolutely terrific stores. My mum would be like hey lindsey how about you order? And I’d be like mother, I am 7 years old and I have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder everyone assumes is child shyness why would you think I would want to do that. Instead I will whisper my choices to you. After therapy tho I felt pretty rad for picking my own lollies by myself. I was like 13 at that point but sdfkjhsdf listen I got there in the end.

sdfkjsdfkjhsdf I like that a cursed photo reminded you of me. That’s all I need to hear. Tumblr said no anon dick pics but they also said no anon cursed photos either,,, very sad. for the latter part. the first part thank god. If I could turn on photos on anon I absolutely would just to see this but I don’t think I can :(

[punkscowardschampions]

Saint & Leilani

Saint: How's it going? 🙂 Leilani: it's going as expected Saint: I know how to answer questions without saying anything, remember Saint: you can't fool me Leilani: I was relying on the 😇 thing to do being you pretending you believed me Saint: You'd think so, but the issue lies in if that would require me to leave you in discomfort Saint: which would be nothing but the worst manners Saint: okay, what's one thing that's been okay and what's one thing that I could help make a bit better? Leilani: the kids are extremely adorable in their costumes, I'm in support of that Leilani: & how many of the grown ups decided to go in on this too Leilani: but maybe I was hoping you were that kind of big brother & your other sisters & brothers weren't as young as they are Saint: The majority love an event, that's true Saint: I don't know if it's a genetic thing or a cultural, but it's always been like this Saint: I'm sure the twins would have you know they're very mature for their age Saint: 🤔 how about I introduce you to Mattie? Saint: She's about your age Leilani: 😅 yeah I'm considering taking one of them with me since you already made the offer Leilani: she's Jay's sister, right? Saint: Correct Saint: she's similarly more chilled out too Saint: maybe less adorable than the kids but she shouldn't object to hanging out, kidnap might be a step too far tonight but Leilani: I don't know, it's a good costume, some people would still say adorable Saint: 😅 Saint: a good opener Leilani: thanks, I'll use it Saint: 👍 have fun Saint: let me know what you think, and if I need to get my wings into gear and do more Leilani: [pretend she's been chatting to her for ages because I feel like they'd get on, soz she don't go to your school hun] Leilani: I am now so I guess your wings won't be falling off Saint: [always the way, at least you will have an ally at these functions] Saint: 😁😁😁 Leilani: take a 🍭 Saint: 😏 More counterintuitive than the sticker ⭐ Saint: definitely finding you a new dream before you wreck the 🦷 of every kid in Dublin just to fix them again Saint: very 😈 of you Leilani: 😅😅 Leilani: maybe I'll become a vet if Grace agrees to the 🐱 Saint: What about the 🩸? Saint: though you seem to cope with the fake Leilani: oh yeah.... Leilani: I was only thinking about the 😁 parts again Saint: I do hate to be the 🌧 on your parade... Saint: it's pretty adorable how 🌤 you are Leilani: but you do need to step in there before I fully commit & get genuinely 🩸 splattered Saint: I can promise that without feeling I'm giving you unfair expectations Leilani: it'd be awkward if you had to take that costume off on account of being 😈 Saint: it really would Saint: the feathers aren't leaving much to the imagination as is 😬 Saint: no one wants that Leilani: you're not 👶🏽 enough to be running around without clothes Saint: Ahh Saint: so tough being the oldest Saint: suppose I should leave some 🍭 🍬 🍫 for the kids too? Leilani: I can't promise to fix your 🦷 either way Saint: I'll make sure to brush well tonight when I'm defeathering in the privacy of my own room Saint: I like your ears, by the way Leilani: I'll resist the urge to come & watch over you since you're the one who can fly & I'll never be a qualified dentist Leilani: thanks, I keep forgetting they're there so for a moment that was an unusual compliment Saint: I'll send you a picture if you like Saint: for evidence Saint: I'm sure your real ears are lovely too 😂 Leilani: what am I supposed to send you a picture back of, in line with you wanting to work for the government? Leilani: like, I could salute but that's getting into a weird girl guide territory Leilani: & I've never been camping Saint: Oh dear Saint: the less pictures I have of underage girls the better, I think Saint: too young for the scandal yet but best to start as I mean to go on Saint: my family aren't big campers, if you can believe it Saint: but I've been with my grandma, and for this young leaders thing I did last year Leilani: I probably shouldn't fill my phone with pictures of older boy's dazzling teeth either, my mum is very overprotective Leilani: was, I mean Leilani: maybe she'd come back & haunt me Saint: Potentially Saint: though I can try to assure her and you my teeth are not at all predatory, this might not come across as sincere with my pearly whites 😁😬 Leilani: if your teeth are harmless, you might need a dentist sooner than I could become one Saint: 🧛 gotcha Saint: okay, so not harmless, but your neck is safe Leilani: why do they bite their victims somewhere literally everyone can see? Leilani: I'd be more secretive if my goal was to live undetected forever in some moody castle Saint: You can cross vampire off your list too, you're clearly overqualified Saint: I think it's about that sweet, sweet jugular vein but there's plenty of others that are less of a Saint: 'look what I did' Leilani: maybe whoever wrote the 1st 🧛📕 didn't want to commit to going under the clothes Leilani: it was racy stuff already Saint: also potential code for same-sex relationships? Saint: but what wasn't 😅 Leilani: is Dracula gay? Leilani: good for him Saint: I think so? Saint: Unless I'm confusing my classics Leilani: I haven't read it before & I feel like if I do now everyone will think I'm going goth Saint: Not an impression you want to make? Leilani: not really Leilani: 🌤  > 🌧 Saint: we'll keep it secret or off the reading list Leilani: first rule of our new book club? okay Saint: You can think of the 2nd Leilani: there has to be some kind of limit on length, War & Peace is too heavy in every way Saint: which brings us nicely to rule number three then Saint: no Russian literature Leilani: 😅 Saint: but I'll leave it with the rules for now, this is a party after-all Saint: would you like a drink? Leilani: what can you offer me that's 🧃? Saint: [so the pub, 'cos always the pub, probably doesn't have sassy mocktails 'cos not the vibe but he can go make her one] Saint: any major allergies or dislikes I need to know? Leilani: no Leilani: you've got total freedom Saint: I like the sound of that Leilani: what are you drinking? Saint: [probably red wine, you seem the type, not getting crunk] Saint: 🍷 Saint: 🧛 of me Leilani: if you're coming out to me atm you have my unconditional love & support Saint: 😅 Saint: Thank you Saint: unnecessary but appreciated Leilani: oh then you want to do the most with the teeth cleaning for the pics you're sending later Leilani: I'm not 😤 Saint: As much as the before and after would be impressive Saint: you might feel a bit 🤢 Leilani: I've set myself up as way too squeamish here, I don't like the sound of that Leilani: I'm not like 🥀 Saint: it's your story to tell Saint: though I wouldn't accuse you of being a wilting wallflower type, for the record Leilani: please don't accuse me of anything on the record 😅 I'm not a Lolita type either Leilani: I haven't even had a boyfriend yet Saint: I think painting myself as that unreliable of a narrator would really undermine my public persona and the trust I aim to inspire Saint: is that purely because of having a protective mum or did your own thoughts and feelings come into that too? Saint: plus, technically, Nabokov was Russian, I don't know if we can read it? 🤔 Leilani: the behaviour of many boys my age came into it too Leilani: but maybe they'll be different at this school, your sister did say we're uncultured at my old one Saint: I can see that Saint: When did she say that? Leilani: 💬📱 Saint: 😕 Oh Saint: she can be quite Saint: blunt Leilani: it's okay, I know Saint: She doesn't always think before she speaks, which is definitely a bad habit Saint: but I'm sure she didn't mean that to sound so...that Leilani: I'm sure she put more than enough thought into everything she said Saint: I'm sorry Saint: I would talk to her, see why you got off on the wrong foot but I'm not so out of touch to not realize that would potentially do more harm than good Saint: I think she's insecure, for context, she didn't get into the school she wanted to go to Leilani: I know why, but I'm not sure I would've been able to approach it differently, even if I should've Saint: Is it strictly girl's business? Leilani: what does that even mean, St? 🤔 Saint: Well Saint: code for none of my business perhaps Saint: in this instance, at least Leilani: it's not becos you're a boy, it's becos you're her brother Saint: Okay Saint: if it helps, I know how she can be, and it's not because of you, it's a her thing Leilani: it doesn't help but that's more becos you tried to tell me how she could be & I rose to it anyway Saint: I could've been clearer Saint: I didn't want to seem like I was insinuating you couldn't talk to her, or something like that Saint: and I don't want to talk badly about anyone, even if it is at times warranted, she's not, you know Saint: 👿 Leilani: I found out for myself, that's the fairest way Leilani: & I'm sure I overreacted once I was 😤 Saint: I know it would make this easier, if you were to get on Saint: but just know you're under no obligation to Saint: with any of us Saint: if nothing else, I can assure she'll give you a wide berth if she has nothing pleasant to say Leilani: maybe we will in the 2nd attempt Leilani: my moods are all over Saint: Now that is girl stuff, correct? 😏 Saint: it's very possible Leilani: that's getting into weird 🧛 territory Leilani: I meant becos I'm 💣💥 by grief not being a girl Saint: Joke in poor taste at the expense of your hormones Saint: 🤐 Leilani: becos I'm a girl is never an excuse for anything, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie I have read some of Saint: My sincerest apologies Saint: you'll have to educate me Leilani: thank god for book club Leilani: you're fine though, losing my mum isn't an excuse either according to your sister Saint: She really said that? Leilani: yeah but she's just the 1st, I don't think she'll be the only Saint: But that's just Saint: bullshit Leilani: she doesn't think so, she built an entire argument around it Saint: even if you were using it as an excuse, which I see no evidence of Saint: it's a pretty valid one Saint: and it's just so Saint: callous to even suggest that, never mind assert it Leilani: it's about her, I dared to say she shouldn't make fun of Grace & by extension treat all of you badly Saint: That is a sensitive topic for her Saint: but still Saint: THAT is no excuse to behave like that Leilani: she's been looking at me like she's got every reason to be 😤 Leilani: 🙏 we're not face to face 🗨 Saint: I'll distract her Leilani: 😇 Saint: [do so boy, soz to you lol, sure she's being a delight] Leilani: [do the salute you're not gonna send him a picture of lol] Saint: [casually meet eyes over this party moment] Leilani: [what a #mood] Saint: [honestly Venus can leave early anyway we all know why you're here and you probably have somewhere else to be hoeing it up] Leilani: [yeah exactly, as much as I hate that you're like this, we know it's real] Leilani: thanks Saint: no problem Saint: I learnt not to bite a long time ago 🎣 Saint: not that that's on you, but you know what I mean, diplomacy is my friend Leilani: does she know she's helping you in your career goals? Saint: I have to assume not Saint: unless she thinks I need a running mate 😨😅 Leilani: in that costume, it'd be a stretch to 💭 that Saint: Don't even get me started on that Leilani: if you don't want to drop your workout secrets that's your choice Saint: Oh no, I was talking about hers, sorry Saint: she's really gone with the Elle Woods thing...which is just a bit strange Saint: dad's a lawyer so Saint: yeah Leilani: oh... Leilani: an extra dimension has been added Leilani: I thought she was going with Regina George Saint: easy mistake to make Saint: sure she'd say as much if I said anything Leilani: she'd say worse about both of ours probably Saint: she got her 🎁 she should be in a good mood now Leilani: why is she getting 🎁 on your dad's birthday? Saint: Right, you're an only child Saint: when you're little, and you went to birthday parties, did you ever get mad that you weren't getting any gifts or attention? Saint: it's that Leilani: I can't relate Saint: What did you and your mum do for your birthdays as a kid? Leilani: she liked to throw me a party, on theme for whatever I was super into that year Leilani: smaller scale than this but all my friends would be there Saint: Sounds like a good time Leilani: it was Leilani: what did you do? Saint: My birthday is Christmas day Saint: 💔 Leilani: I'm sorry Saint: 😅 It's not really that bad Saint: it would be if you minded Saint: but I still get presents and to see all the family so Leilani: I still feel like I should buy you a 🎁 in the summer Saint: that's when I'd have parties with friends as a kid Leilani: you don't have those parties any more? Saint: Not really my scene now Saint: I'm alright with Vee claiming that kind of attention Saint: I usually get dinner with friends as close to my birthday as we can without all the office parties being out in full force Leilani: 🍷 Leilani: very you Saint: Is that my branding? Leilani: would you like a rebrand? Saint: I'm not 😤 Saint: just curious about your 💭 Leilani: it's very blood of christ 😇🙏 Leilani: so fitting Saint: That wine is very bad though Saint: 😝 Leilani: maybe they don't want to promote 🧛 Leilani: if you drank my blood it probably wouldn't taste nice Saint: Why not? Saint: Not admitting a desire to do so with that Leilani: I don't know becos it's 🩸? Saint: 😂 Saint: Fair point Saint: just wanted to see how you'd put me off yours specifically Leilani: we'd circle back to me being underage Saint: do you think vampires ask for identification first? Leilani: no, but in this case you know how old I am Saint: I'm not going to suck your blood Saint: you have my word Saint: and I invited your here, sort of Saint: you'd have to invite me in Leilani: ignoring that being what someone who was about to drain me would say, you must've been to Grace's house before Saint: Probably? Saint: not as if I'd have much call to be there though Leilani: I'm honoured that you're looking for an invite now Saint: I never said that Leilani: 🤔 Saint: I said you would have to invite me over if I were to go all 🧛 Saint: so you're perfectly safe here and now Leilani: [giving him a look like okay boy] Saint: [little lol like okay fair enough] Leilani: [a smile back, excuse us everyone] Saint: [i'm like who a nosy hoe here 'cos I'd be 👀] Leilani: [well Astrid would just say it and we know she's there LOL] Saint: [truuu but she is an innocent soul so she probably just thinks he's being more friendly than his face usually suggests lol] Leilani: [I like to think the twins know what's up, they're sassy] Saint: [be those cheeky children who embarrass you] Leilani: [definitely & Matilda is probably 👀 on this vibe] Saint: [is cute] Leilani: [love that you're being less serious rn sir] Saint: [it's out of character enough to be a Thing™ like he's not a dick but he doesn't have to go this hard for anyone in the fam like protection, caring mode obvs so it'd be like oh hey] Leilani: [enjoy that fam, I know some of you adults are nosy hoes] Saint: [lol the goss, god bless] Leilani: what did you put in this drink? Saint: What? Saint: Nothing? Leilani: no, I mean like ingredients Leilani: it's nice Saint: Oh Saint: [whatever sassy concoction we've made 'cos you'd have that knowledge even if you don't party that hard 'cos Ruster kid] Leilani: 😄 Saint: you like it? Leilani: it's delicious Saint: 😁👍 Saint: Do I get a sticker now? Leilani: yeah Leilani: & more 🍭🍬🍫 Saint: the kids are gonna hate me Saint: better share or get mobbed Leilani: I could just invite you over to eat what the trick or treaters didn't before we got here, you know Leilani: keep you 😇 Saint: You really want to secure my spot in heaven Saint: My acceptance would hugely depend on what 🍭🍬🍫 was on offer Leilani: [the list of everything Grace bought and we know she's extra so] Leilani: so you see, I'm thinking of my own 😁 Saint: Did she expect the whole of town to show up or? Saint: I better intervene before you look like a 👶/👵 depending on how you think about it Leilani: 😅😅 Leilani: I think she's expecting me to eat my feelings Saint: Nice to have the option Saint: perhaps not at the detriment to your 🦷 or 🩸 sugar though Leilani: we'll pretend midnight snacks don't count Saint: No calories after midnight, everyone knows that Leilani: the later it gets, the less there are? Leilani: becos we'll definitely still be here later than that Saint: Might even get to breakfast Saint: what would you have then if calories didn't exist? Leilani: for breakfast? Saint: Yes Leilani: 🥞🍨🍓🍫🍒 Saint: Well that just sounds 😇😇🤤 Saint: Perhaps we can go make that happen when we finally leave Saint: or will Grace object, take on that protective role fully Leilani: taking advantage of her fear of overstepping isn't very 😇 but it is honest Leilani: & this isn't a date date Saint: Not my intention, though if you think that would be a direct impact then perhaps we shouldn't Leilani: it's okay, it's just breakfast Leilani: the calories don't even count so it can't hurt Saint: It is Saint: I wouldn't want anyone to think differently Leilani: start as you mean to go on, I recall it Saint: I mean Saint: that wouldn't be right, would it Leilani: if people think something else is happening to what is, it's easy enough to set them straight Saint: Why would they even think that Leilani: retro 💭 Leilani: you can't spend time with anyone of the opposite sex unless they're interested in the same or you're interested in them Saint: It's just ridiculous Leilani: yeah, but you are 😇 & the fittest so I can't blame people for thinking I would be Saint: I assume people would think that's the last thing on your mind Saint: but maybe I'm giving too much credit Saint: most conversations seem to end up back to when am I going to get another girlfriend Leilani: that joke you made about my girly hormones works for my age too Leilani: especially becos I haven't had a boyfriend Saint: 🙄 Saint: It isn't the be-all-end-all Saint: trust me Leilani: not a classics 📚 way of thinking Leilani: if this was Russian Lit you'd die for her Saint: that's why their particular brand of melodrama is banned Saint: and 'she' doesn't currently exist, as I said, unless you'd like me to pledge my undying, unwavering love to the idea of women in general Saint: I can knock up a speech now Leilani: sounds like fun Leilani: go ahead Saint: 😅 Leilani: not the answer you wanted? Leilani: if you offer me a speech, I'm gonna say yes Saint: I need some time to write it Saint: I also need to find a pen Leilani: [hands him a pen in a sassy manner because she would have a handbag with this outfit] Saint: [the ultimate cliche of lingering when you take something lol] Leilani: [when you can't keep the sass up cos you gotta smile at him again like...I love to think about everyone watching this] Saint: [obviously we're smiling back and being all bashful like gotta go find some paper] Leilani: [looking in that handbag for something he could write on but there's nothing because she's not that hoe carrying everything but the kitchen sink so a cute 🤷🏾 like soz] Saint: [go find a napkin to write this speech about love and womens on then find her and give it to her and hope no one else reads it 'cos that is pure flirtation if I ever saw it] Leilani: [we're keeping that napkin hens & soz Matty even though we BFFs you're not reading it luv] Leilani: okay, I'd vote for you 🗳 Saint: [not explaining that inside joke hun we have no time sorry] Saint: That's all I really wanted from you, naturally Saint: 😈 Leilani: I'm naturally powerless to do anything but swoon, we've gone full classics now Leilani: you got what you really wanted there Saint: Having you powerless to my every whim and will sounds like another genre than classic to me Saint: unless you'd like to state your case for 50 Shades Leilani: 😅 I need to read it 1st Leilani: so thanks if you're choosing it for book club Saint: Top of my reading list, I just needed the excuse 😏 Leilani: isn't there like a whole series? Leilani: you'd know Saint: I officially decline to add that to my brand, thank you Leilani: I get why, you're angry she wrote out the vampires, obviously Saint: Precisely Saint: What kind of discrimination... Leilani: [a lil irl lol like peeps aren't getting enough of a show with this] Saint: [😍] Leilani: [I hope you're re-reading that napkin or talking to your bff right then cos if you see them 😍 you'll die] Saint: Who's costume do you think would win? Leilani: your dad's Leilani: the birthday boy has to win Saint: just because it's his birthday or Leilani: yeah, Grace's is the best Leilani: I chose it for her Saint: 😅 If you do say so yourself then Leilani: if you're arguing it's becos you want me to hype up yours more Leilani: she looks amazing Saint: I'm simply saying on your 2nd go you and Vee should get on like a house on fire Leilani: 😧 Saint: It's not a bad thing Leilani: 🤔 Leilani: okay, who do you think should win? Saint: You have things in common, is the point Saint: I don't know, the kids are probably the most imaginative Leilani: what things? Saint: 💅💄👗 and thinking you're very good at them Leilani: I think I did a good job at picking her specific outfit tonight Leilani: you don't have to say it like it's a bad thing Saint: I didn't Saint: I specifically said it wasn't Leilani: sure Saint: I'm sorry if that's how you took it Leilani: I'm sorry if that's what I look like to you Saint: What, interested in how they present themselves? Saint: I don't see why you'd apologize for that Leilani: up themselves Saint: I didn't say that Leilani: I don't know how else you expect me to take thinking I'm very good at something Leilani: you didn't even say I was very good at it Saint: Does it matter what I think? Leilani: not if it's that I have an ego the size of your sister's Saint: I meant it as a good thing Saint: I don't know what else to tell you Leilani: I don't know what else to tell you other than that's not how I took it Saint: And I said sorry so that's that Leilani: yeah Saint: Don't think about it, it really didn't mean anything Leilani: I won't cause a big scene about it either way Saint: Just enjoy your evening, okay Leilani: I am Saint: Good 🙂 Saint: that's all anyone wants Leilani: I didn't mean to get all 💣💥 it just upset me, what she said Leilani: so you saying we're alike isn't something I want to hear atm Saint: I understand Saint: that's fine, it was the wrong thing to say Leilani: it isn't fine, she's the one who got to me, not you Leilani: I'm sorry Saint: I was insensitive Saint: I just don't like conflict Saint: but it can't always be straightened out so easily Leilani: I will have a 2nd go when I see her at school Leilani: maybe it'll get straightened out Saint: How are you feeling, about school? Leilani: stressed Saint: I bet Saint: it'd be weird if you weren't Saint: but you seem to be good at making friends so you'll be okay Leilani: but that was before, now I'm not gonna know if they feel sorry for me Leilani: or think they have to be nice to me Saint: Do people have to know? Saint: You need a story why you've moved school, but it doesn't strictly have to be the full truth, or the truth at all Leilani: Venus knows, I'm not having her catch me in a lie Leilani: anyway, it's what happened Leilani: I can't escape it by lying Saint: Fair enough Saint: it is the best policy, after-all Leilani: it wouldn't be fair to my mum to change the story, she can't Saint: That makes sense Saint: disrespectful Saint: well, I think, however unfortunately, that people's sympathy only extends so far Saint: you might lose some, but you will find out who your real friends are with time Leilani: there's that word again Leilani: time Saint: I think it's pretty unavoidable Saint: it sounds worse than usual Saint: but people you think are your friends can turn around and not me Saint: for any reasons, it isn't that this is happening, or going to happen just because of your mum Saint: you know? Saint: It doesn't sound comforting, it isn't Leilani: it is a little bit Saint: People are flaky Saint: you just notice when you could use some of them to not be Leilani: who hurt you? other than the girls you're unwilling to die for, I mean Saint: What? Saint: No, no one Leilani: your friends haven't? Saint: I'm fine 🙂 Leilani: I don't believe in 🙂 Leilani: give me a real one 😁 Saint: [IRL 🙂] Leilani: [IRL 😁] Saint: [looking awayayayay] Leilani: [getting him another 🍷 because you are soz you kicked off] Saint: [just like 'who served you?' 😏 bants 'cos he's not even old enough yet either] Leilani: [we just loling because this is a fam function and everyone knows it's for him but asking if she can try it, to which I say don't do it gal wine is gross] Saint: [offering it but warning her it's an acquired taste 'cos truly] Leilani: [taking a sip and her face would be ICONIC because ew, just don't spit it back into his glass babe] Saint: [loling and asking if she wants another mocktail instead] Leilani: [a hard yes because need that taste out of our mouth] Saint: [go get that boy] Leilani: you should've written a speech about why you like drinking 🍷 Saint: A toast would be more fitting Leilani: shorter & easier too Saint: and more warmly received Saint: especially by this crowd Leilani: 😅 Leilani: [gives him the pen back like there you go then] Saint: [swap that for her drink and get to 🤔] Leilani: [take a sip so he can see your happy face when you taste it compared to a second ago] Saint: How am I meant to argue with that? Leilani: I'm not doing your work for you, St Saint: 🥺😏 Leilani: maybe you could compare it to a girl, that was a very good speech Leilani: [re-reads it] Saint: Acidic...bitter...goes straight to your head and stays there 'til the next day Leilani: disgusting, leaves a horrible taste in your mouth Leilani: makes you say things you maybe don't mean Saint: might get half the room to raise their glasses Saint: if they're feeling brave Leilani: if they're feeling 💔 Saint: Yes, that too Leilani: there must be some reasons why you drink it, other than frustrated vampirism Saint: the 💔 obviously Leilani: you said you were 🙂 fine Saint: Philosophical 💔💭 Leilani: what does that mean? Saint: I'm just theorizing on it Saint: no personal experience worth noting Leilani: ... Saint: We don't need to bring the party down with my non-issues Leilani: no announcements, just me Saint: Alright Saint: but only because you don't want to be treated different, not because I think it's important or a big deal or anything at all Saint: I did have a girlfriend, 'til quite recently Saint: but no one here knows that she cheated on me, and that's why I ended things Saint: with one of my friends Leilani: how 🍷 of her Leilani: are they together now? Saint: I'm not sure Saint: Guess I'll see at School Leilani: how long were you with her? Saint: About 2 months shy of a year Leilani: that's horrible, that she didn't end it properly Saint: Yeah Saint: we were really alike Saint: I thought Leilani: we're both dreading school, I wish that was more comforting Saint: I don't want to complain, like it's anywhere near the same Leilani: it doesn't have to be the same to be something we can talk about Saint: I know Saint: it's just Saint: I already feel stupid without complaining to you Leilani: she did something stupid, you don't have to feel like that Saint: I do though, we're a close group Saint: they're both in all my classes pretty much Saint: then I think that the rest of them had to know Saint: so, what does that mean for all of those relationships too Leilani: you won't know what it means until you know whether they were keeping it from you or not Leilani: but you get to decide what happens next with those friendships either way Saint: People pick sides, and even if they already haven't Saint: it won't be the same Leilani: maybe it shouldn't Leilani: if they've picked his side or hers, you deserve different than that Saint: It's my last year Saint: bit late for all that anyway Leilani: if you go into it with that attitude, yeah Leilani: you wouldn't say it's too late for me Saint: You have time, and reason to make it work Leilani: you too Leilani: we haven't known each other long, claiming you need years is a stretch Saint: This is different Saint: I don't know how to explain it Leilani: join a club with me or something, we'll make new friends together Saint: 😅 What kind of club? Leilani: I don't know Leilani: obviously not the Russian Lit appreciation society Saint: Maybe they'll have an anti-appreciation society Leilani: 😅 it'd be popular & so would we Saint: You will be Leilani: there must be genuine clubs you are interested in 🤔💭 & I'll sign up too Saint: I have lots of extra-curriculars Saint: but there's probably a few left out there I haven't tried Leilani: great Saint: What do you want to do? Saint: Sports, music, etc... Leilani: my only demand is no swimming Saint: The chlorine? Leilani: the cap I'd have to wear Leilani: not cute Saint: 😂 Saint: [and IRL] Leilani: hey! I'm serious Saint: Okay, no swimming Saint: we have a pool anyway Leilani: oh, good idea, throwing a party would be a good way to meet people Leilani: 💅💄👙 instead Saint: Hold on, who said anything about a party Leilani: me Leilani: just then Saint: It's a bit Leilani: ... Saint: You do know my sister lives at my house too, right? Leilani: she told me she's back & forth to Paris, can't we do it when she's 🛫? Saint: Not as much as she wishes Saint: I mean, I suppose you could Saint: long as you don't post it all over socials and trash the place Leilani: we could Leilani: the point is, you're there too Saint: A pool party full of underage girls? Saint: I don't know if that's the right direction to be going in Leilani: the 2nd point is, they won't all be underage or girls Saint: Well as mentioned, I don't exactly have a lot of older boys to invite Leilani: that's why we join a club 1st Saint: How many steps does this plan have then? Leilani: I don't know Leilani: it depends how those go Saint: You're funny Saint: And I don't mean that in any way but the words I'm saying, for the record Leilani: I'll be proud becos your laughter is transformative Leilani: it makes you look & me feel really different Saint: Those are some pretty persuasive words Saint: maybe you should write the speeches Leilani: I'll add speech writer to my vision board when I get back Saint: You could do it for me Saint: if that wasn't such a 🥱 prospect Leilani: I think it could be fun Leilani: but what's my cut? Saint: Paying staff is part of a MPs fabled expenses Saint: we can make that wage up as we go along Saint: as long as people don't think I'm favouring you for any reason beyond your 🖋🗯 Leilani: [bats her eyelashes at him in an OTT manner like who would ever think that] Leilani: 😅😅 Saint: [😏] Saint: you'd get to live in London, if you wanted Leilani: who wouldn't want to live in London? Saint: It certainly has its charms Leilani: 🛍🌃💃 Saint: Those are some Leilani: add yours then Saint: 🏛 🛥 ⛪️🚇 🕌 🚖 🕍 🎭 ☕️ 🍷 🍽 Leilani: I was with you until 🍷 Leilani: still, you can show me around before I start work Saint: It's a deal Saint: maybe you'll like white, or rose Leilani: let's see Leilani: [goes off to get wine like] Saint: It takes time Saint: to acquire the taste Leilani: to kill your tastebuds Leilani: [imagine the scene of her with a glass of wine in each hand taking a sip from each and making different but as ICONIC faces of disgust, we're giving them to Matty, fill your boots gal] Saint: How many 👎s? Leilani: as many as poss Saint: 😅😅 Saint: Stick to juice Saint: apart from being bad for your 😁 and the possibility of a sugar high Saint: better option all 'round providing you brush Leilani: is this where you ask for photographic proof back? Saint: 🤔 Saint: I think I trust your dedication to pearly whites Leilani: thanks Saint: You seem...disappointed? Leilani: do I? Leilani: trust is nice, I'm not 😤 Saint: Good Saint: you can send me evidence if you want Saint: maybe your breakfast 'gram, if it lives up to the expectations Leilani: aren't you gonna be there? Saint: Didn't we decide that might not be a good idea right now Leilani: I've only had 3 sips of wine & I don't remember agreeing so Leilani: no? Saint: I don't want my eyes scratched out 💅 Saint: you did a good job on the 😱 factor on her Leilani: I don't have my 🐱 yet Leilani: you can be scared then Saint: You are a 🐱 Saint: so had I better come or else Leilani: if we share the 🥞 you'll be helping curb my chances of a sugar rush & cavities Saint: So that's the for argument Leilani: yeah & I'll keep being funny Saint: You're meant to do against now 😏 Leilani: 🤔 Leilani: the risk of your own sugar rush & cavities Saint: 😂 Saint: I would hate for you to think I'm scared of a little sugar Leilani: 🧄 & 🌤 right? Leilani: or maybe underage girls & unreliable narrators Saint: I'm the unreliable narrator underage girls are scared of Saint: except I'm not, obviously Saint: I'll take vampire rumours over that any day Leilani: at least that means you won't take some other girl for breakfast on the morning of my 16th birthday Saint: That would be very cinematic Saint: but also very rude Leilani: 💔😿 Saint: You'll have to tell me when it is so I can keep it free, avoid the 👿 Leilani: [her birthday whenever we decide that is] Saint: It's in the diary Leilani: 📱 or 📖? Saint: I have both Saint: but I'm not quite that nerdy that I've brought my paper one to a party Leilani: I was just 💔😿 that you borrowed a pen from someone else Saint: Okay, so that's pretty 🤓 Leilani: excuse you, it's not my fault I don't have 20:20 vision Leilani: 🕶🖤 Saint: You aren't that blind or I'd have noticed by now Leilani: I'm wearing contacts Saint: I mean 🕶 is a bit of an exaggeration Leilani: it's a cute emoji, I'm sorry Leilani: & 🤓 is not good teeth representation for me Saint: [actual lol] Saint: Okay, you can have it Leilani: [actual 😍] Leilani: thanks boss Saint: [try not to 😳] Leilani: [use your skin tone to save yourself boy] Saint: wait 'til the tour to decide if you accept Leilani: becos what happens on tour stays on tour or? Saint: depends how much evidence you collect 📸 Leilani: you're the 😇 Saint: Allegedly Leilani: it's your own promo Leilani: meaning you could also convince me you're 😈 Saint: I don't see the benefit in that Leilani: [a LOOK like] Saint: I'm not going to convince you of anything 😈 with just words Leilani: I definitely don't remember making it a words only rule Saint: 🤐🤔 Leilani: ... Saint: [miming both again but we're smiling] Leilani: would you like to dance? in classic 📚 it's totally scandalous Saint: As long as we leave appropriate room for God Leilani: I think if I was fully playing by my god's rules you'd have to be in the next room Leilani: & I'd be wearing 🧕🏾 instead of ears Saint: That would make your outfit very confusing Leilani: this outfit is too tight to be islam approved Saint: [show up to dance like lemme take a closer look] Leilani: [we're having a moment & all I can think about is Grace peeping] Saint: [peeping in a costume which just makes it more amusing some reason] Leilani: [it's happening but I am gonna cockblock this before it goes too hard by saying she starts crying because she can't wait to tell her mum about this & realises she can't #beentheregal] Saint: [oh baby] Leilani: [so then we embarrassed & have to go outside cos there's always peeps in the toilets at any party/fam function] Saint: [at least as Grace is peeping she can follow you and deal 'cos we're gonna assume that isn't what you want him to do] Leilani: [when you wanna go home because mortified especially since he hasn't followed so you think he's mortified but you also don't because you were and are having fun which is the whole reason we cried like #ohjoy thank god Venus is not here] Saint: [we're in actuality worried like oh we shouldn't have done that/any of this lowkey] Leilani: [lowkey outside for ages until Grace is probably freezing to death so we're back but NOT looking at him because dying] Saint: [the awks, go make yourself busy boy] Leilani: [when you're avoiding him but you don't want him to avoid you] Saint: [a mood, at least it is your dad's bday so you can make it look not blatant] Leilani: [maybe this is a good place to end the convo, like it's rude to them but legit] Saint: [agreed, like, can't really come back from this tonight, you will be going home soon gal and breakfast is not happening today] Leilani: [it'll be a hilarious awks but good starting point for the next convo we do like yeah soz I sobbed on you sir]

[shawnpetermuffins]

How's It Feel (CG pt 2 again)

A/n: I'm reuploading this because something when wrong when I did it the first time.

Summary: Shawn's starting to feel how you did for way too long and he's realizing he can't cope with the pain.

Requested: yes, by so many of you for god knows what reason

***

The hole in my chest had only grown since y/n walked out of our apartment. I tried texting her, calling her. I tried everything until eventually my messages didn't go through anymore. My calls went straight to voicemail. All of her stuff was gone when I got back from the studio one day too, and if it was even possible, my heart broke all over again seeing that.

And as if not being with her wasn't already messing with my head, having to tell my family was even worse. Mum was pissed, didn't talk to me for three days, Aaliyah over a week. (I’ll be honest, she probably still wouldn’t be talking to me had I not broke down in front of Mum when I went to go work things out with them.) It was torture not being able to talk to two of the most important women in my life, about the other other single most important girl in my life. One who no longer wanted me.

I knew I fucked up, there was no denying that. But I never intended to hurt her the way I did. I took her love for granted, I know that now, but knowing that just makes it hurt worse.

So I spent almost every night following our no-so mutual breakup at the bar, drinking the strongest liquor I could get my hands on because beer just wasn't going to cut it. If I was going to drown in anything, I'd rather it be in alcohol than in my own self pity. And it worked… until I met her.

---

Jordan's presence slammed into my like a ton of bricks. She was everything that the media thought I should be with. Long, flowy blonde hair. Legs for days. That "natural glow" that very obviously was just a dewy foundation - something y/n never wore because she thought it made her look more oily than dewy. By all means, she is who I wanted. Or more accurately, she is who I wanted to want.

Jordan was probably the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. There's not a doubt in my mind. But she wasn't y/n. She didn't stay the night. She hardly ever called, not unless I had promo events or award shows. So I guess lucky for me, it was award season. But these were the only times I'd see her. Only times I'd talk to her. Not that I didn't want to. I did, and I tried. But my messages would go read and unanswered. She never wanted to hang out with me and my friends, and on the ever-so rare occasion that she did accept my offer, it always ended with a quick fuck and she was out the door. There were no cuddles, there was no snuggling. I didn't get to wake up to make her breakfast like I used to do for y/n before I let things go so wrong.

I wonder if this is what y/n felt when I was out the door before she ever got the chance to open her eyes. I wonder if she felt this every morning for the last eight months of our relationship. That's how long it was, I realized when it was much too late. I blew off plans, and I didn't come home, and I didn't talk to her for eight months. But I still expected her to do things for me. Go to my awards shows even when I know she told me she had things she needed to do for work. I called her unsupportive more times than I can count and I unintentionally, but somehow knowingly let her slip through my fingers.

---

Come over???

Jordan read the text three hours ago and still hasn't bothered to respond. Not that I was expecting her to anymore. Unless I ask her to come to an award show with me, I won't get a response for days.

So I'm here, logged into Brian's Instagram looking through y/n's most recent posts because she blocked me on literally everything, not that I can blame her. She knew me well enough to know that after the way we ended things I would want to check up on her. Even though I didn't do it enough while I had her.

Kinda_yourname

7,421 likes

Kinda_yourname Carnival nights call for impromptu photo shoots

📸: @connorbrashier

Comments have been disabled.

I throw my phone onto the coffee table, suddenly sick to my stomach.

Connor. She still talks to him. They still hang out. I knew they had gotten close on the SM3 tour but I'd never realized that they were still close. It shouldn't bother me - she's, in fact, not mine anymore no matter how much I wish she were - But it does. It bothers me so much. Because who is he to be taking pictures like this of the girl I used to call my own? How is someone I considered a friend going to betray me this way?

I want so badly to throw something, to scream, and punch and kick like a dramatic child who's just been told he can't go play outside with his friends because it's far too hot. Other than the fact that my phone is no longer in my hands, and that my fingers are pressed firmly into the denim encompassing my legs, anyone watching me wouldn't be able to tell that I was in such serious turmoil.

I want to go back to feeling something. Even if it is just contempt for myself and the way I let things get so out of hand. But something inside me won't let it happen. I've become nothing but a hollow shell of what I used to be. I feel nothing. I want for nothing. I do nothing. It’s been hell on my music, too. Selfishly, I thought that being heartbroken would help me write another album, but now I have no inspiration. My muse is gone.

---

I'm sitting in the dining room with my mum who seems to be a little on edge while I'm talking to her. She keeps looking toward the door when she thinks I'm not looking, but I can't bring myself to ask why she's acting so weird. I should have.

"Where's Liyah?" I asked.

"Getting ready. She's going out with a friend."

I nodded, "Who?"

Mum shook her head and dismissed the question with wave of her hand, "You don't know her."

Ouch.

"Now, uh, what's going on?" She clasped her hands together.

I furrowed my brows, but shrugged off the uneasiness radiating through her body language. "I uh… I messed up."

"What do you mean?"

"With y/n."

She sighed, "Shawn. It's been three months."

"Yeah. And I haven't been able to write a song since we broke up."

"I thought you said you were dating that new girl."

"Jordan," I mumbled.

"Yes, her."

"It's complicated." I took in a deep breath, "Every time I try to make an effort, it's never reciprocated. She never texts me back, or calls me. She only ever wants to get together when I tell her I have an award show to go to or like I'm doing press. And I don't get that same feeling that I used to get when y/n would look at me. I don't love her, mum. Hell, I don't even know if I really like her or if I'm forcing myself to because I'm trying to compensate for what I don't have with y/n anymore."

Mum didn't say anything, but the look in her eyes told me everything.

"What?"

"It's nothing."

"It's something. What? What are you thinking?"

"Now, honey you know I love you. And I will support you through anything." She took my hands in hers from across the table. "But it sounds to me like you're getting a taste of your own medicine."

"Excuse me?"

"Don't get upset, Shawn. But that's exactly what you did with y/n. She texted and she called and you only wanted her when you needed someone next to you. You didn't treat her like your girlfriend. Not even a little bit. She was 'arm candy.' And that, it pains me to say, is what you are to this Jordan girl."

I run my hands through my hair, frustrated. "I don't want Jordan anymore. And it's clear she doesn't want me. I have to end things with her."

"If that's what you want, then I support you."

"I want y/n, mum… What do I do?"

"There's nothing you can do... Y/n isn't going to take you back."

"You don't know that," I said desperately, even though I knew she was right."

“Sweetheart, you know I love y/n. We all do. And you also know that I wouldn’t be telling you this if I thought that she would take you back. But Shawn… you hurt her. No, that’s not right. You broke her. That whole last year of your relationship shattered her into a million pieces. She’s trying just as hard as you - if not harder - to pick herself back up after this.”

“She’s hanging out with Connor. Did you know that?”

“And what does that matter? You’re with someone else.”

“It’s Connor! He and I are friends!”

“Shawn -”

"Karen! I hope you don't mind. I used my key, is Aaliyah -"

I stilled at the sound of the voice of  both my dreams and nightmares. A voice I never thought I'd hear again. I slowly turned around and was met with her frighteningly pale skin, she looked like she'd seen a ghost, and I knew I probably looked the same.

"Hi," I said like an idiot after a minute of full on staring at her, taking in every single thing I could.

She didn't say it back, just shook her head and averted her eyes and cleared her throat. "Karen, is Aaliyah ready?"

"I'm ready!" My little sister beamed, entering the now overly tense dining room. “Oh... Hey, Shawn.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked, only to y/n.

“Liyah, you got your stuff?”

She nodded. “Yeah, let’s go.” She crossed the room and pressed a kiss to Mum’s cheek. “I’ll be back later.”

“Is it cool if I take her out to dinner?” y/n asked, still not looking at me. "There were a lot of people at the mall when I passed by, we might be longer than expected.

“What the hell is going on?” I exclaimed, and I knew eyes were on me now, but not the eyes I so desperately wanted to be on me. "Did you know she was coming over?" I asked my mom.

She didn't answer me and that was response enough. “That’s fine, honey. But come back for dessert, okay? Manny and I were thinking sundaes with all the fixings.”

“You know the way to my heart, Karen. We’ll be back by eight.”

Aaliyah was now standing next to my ex-girlfriend once again and my heart ached watching them. They started walking toward the door, and I was going to leave it alone. Let them walk out the house without a problem, but my body reacted before my mind could catch up. “Y/n, wait.” When she didn’t turn around, I took her wrist. “Baby, please. Can we talk?”

“Let go of me, Shawn,” her voice was barely above a whisper.

“Not until you look at me,” I said, desperation lacing between every word.

She sighed and fished her keys out of her pocket, “Hon, can you wait in the car? I’ll be right there.”

My sister nodded and walked out of the house without so much as a glance my way. And when the door shut behind her, those y/e/c eye finally met mine, breaking me even more because they didn’t hold that light they used to.

"What, Shawn? What could you possibly want?"

I open and close my mouth like a fish gasping for water.

"Well?" She arches an eyebrow at me, making me feel small beneath that stare that I desperately wanted just minutes ago, but now I wish she would look away. Because seeing that hurt and hatred behind her eyes is killing me. "What do you want?" She asked again.

And I broke. "You. Always fucking you!"

She scoffed, "No you don't!" She exclaimed. "You don't want me, you're lonely! I'm not your pet, Shawn! I'm not gonna come at your beck and call. I'm a human being. A human being with real feelings. A human being still trying to fix what you broke," her finger jabbed into my chest. "You don't get to say that you miss me after the way you treated me."

"I know, but-"

"Do you seriously think you can defend yourself here?" Y/n crosses her arms over her chest and it only makes me more upset.

"What makes you think you have any right to defend yourself?"

"Excuse me?!"

"Yeah, you're out there fucking around with one of my close friends, right? What? Are you gonna say he's just a friend? That he's just looking out for your well-being? Because that's definitely not the case."

"WHO?! Which of your 'close friends' am I supposedly fucking around with?"

Hearing her curse that way reminds me that we're in my parent's house and I suddenly feel really bad for causing this scene in front of my mum, but we're already too far gone.

"Oh, don't play dumb!"

"Enlighten me." She won't budge from her spot, but I've paced so much and so quickly that I was starting to leave a path in the carpet.

"With Connor. I saw you were together on your instagram."

"How could you even see that if I blocked you?"

"Are you gonna deny it?"

"Am I not allowed to have friends, Shawn? Because last I checked, you weren't my boyfriend, and you sure as hell weren't my 'keeper.' You don't have any right to tell me who I can and can't hang out with. So what if I'm hanging out with him? We got close on tour." She said with a shrug, "not that it's any of your business, but we are just friends"

“I haven’t written since you left,” I said lowly, suddenly much too tired to continue this screaming match that literally just started. “And I’ve been seeing this girl,” I said and tried to find some type of emotion behind her eyes, but there was nothing.

"Then why the hell should it matter if I'm with Connor? Even as friends?"

I couldn’t answer her yet, so I continued, “She never wants to hang out. She’s only there for awards and stuff. It kind of sucks actually.”

She scoffed, “That’s funny. Because that seemed to be exactly what you were wanting while we were together.”

“That’s not what I wanted, y/n. I just lost sight of what we had, my feelings got confused, and they shouldn’t have. I didn’t mean to hurt you that way.”

“But you did! And now you’re complaining for what? Because she’s not waiting around for you like I was?”

“Honey-”

“No! You don’t get to call me that anymore! You have no right!”

“Okay,” I hold my hands up in defense. “I’m sorry. I just, I don’t know what to say to make this better. I didn’t realize that you felt this way until it happened to me. And it’s the worst feeling. I feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough.” I sigh, “and I’m miserable without you,” I confessed.

"I'm sorry to hear that. But that's not my fault. You made the decisions that you did and you lost me in the process. That was all you."

"I want to go back. Forget that it's over."

"But you can't," she said, finally uncrossing her arms.

"But if we could?"

She shook her head, "even if we could. I'm not willing to forget."

"Will we ever be okay again? Be the way we used to be? Before we started dating."

She sighed and her gaze dropped once again. "As far as I'm concerned," she started. "You and I were strangers before we got together… and we're strangers once again." With a heavy sigh and a quick run of her fingers through her hair, she turned her attention back to the door that my sister walked out of just minutes ago. "I have to go. Your sister's waiting."

Don't go, I think to myself. Let me fix this. Let me try. But of course I don't say this. I watch her fingers curl around knob and my own fingers twitch, just aching to reach for her. But then the door closes with a soft click behind her and I find myself leaning against that same hard wood, tears blurring my vision.

I slide to the floor, my head in my hands, shoulders shaking with my uncontrolled sobs.

I never thought I'd feel this heartbreak. It's even worse the second time, somehow. Maybe because I know now that this is it for us.

Because I was always the master of words, and her of action. But in this moment, there are no words to save me, nor weapons to save her.

We are caught, defenseless, on seperate sides of the door.

[cashtonwoah-blog]

Better Man // Part 2

Hey guys! Hope you liked the first part of Better Man, my newest fanfict for Ashton! I'm really enjoying writing this, and felt inspired recently as I have just returned from a holiday! Enjoy this second part.

Warnings: light smut, swearing, slight mention of controlling relationships.

****

"He called you cute?!" Camila squeeled with delight, as I recalled the events from earlier in the day.

I sighed, but smiled a little. For once Camila actually sounded invested in one of my guy stories.

"And then... His mate just walked off with him?!" she asked confused.

"Well, Luke his friend, and band mate, basically dragged him back to have a nap, he'd had so much to drink Cami" I scoffed.

"He's in a band?!" Ed gasped.

"Go Y/N! You've pulled! " Camila cheered, clapping.

"Comeon guys, I was just providing support. He was quite drunk so I bet he doesn't remember any of it". I chuckle, picking up my drink and heading back to the bar after finishing my break. I wasn't try to make a big deal out of the chat with the boy as it wasn't a big deal, but he was kinda cute. And it was nice that he felt comfortable talking to me.

****

"Lucky number 7, numero siete" I hear the entertainer Sami shout from the stage. Bingo was a very popular game in the hotel, especially as the old folk found it fun. I'd noted that the hotel was busier tonight, filled with all ages, which meant good business. I'd already had to stop 2 guys on a stag do from having more alcohol. I continued to make my favourite cocktail for a lady at the bar, Love On The Beach, which had vodka, strawberry flavouring with peach schnaps and a dash of lemonade. I presented the lady with the drink, to which she lightly clapped.

"Excuse me miss?" I hear a voice say at the bar. I turn around and see the curly haired boy, looking rather sleepy. His hair was messier than usual, and he was dressed in the same clothes are he had on 5 hours earlier. He rubbed his hand in the back of his head in an awkward fashion.

"Well hello rockstar, back for another drink?" I jokingly ask.

He smirks, sitting down at the bar, placing his head in the palm of his hands. I decide to make him a special drink. It was my first drink I learnt from Camila, a hangover cure! Orange juice, lemonade and a few other secret ingredients. I make the drink up, and place it in front of him.

"Please tell me there's no gin in this" he groans, lifting his head up from the bar table to inspect the drink.

I chuckle. "None what so ever sir".

He goes to give me a €10 note to pay for the drink. I wave my hand across my chest.

"No charge, its on me" I smile, pushing the drink closer towards him. He replies with a wide smile, I note his big ___ eyes, looking at me.

"Thanks Y/N" he replies, taking a sip. He subtlety moans.

"That's lovely".

"Enjoy... D'you know, I never got your name." I chuckle.

"Really? How rude of me." the boy laughs, offering me his hand.

"My names Ashton" he says, shaking my hand.

"So I wanted to apologise for earlier, I wasn't myself, and normally I'm not that much of a drinker like that" he said.

"It's okay, I've heard a lot worse stories over the past few months. I witnessed a divorce at this very bar, so you're good" I reply.

"Wow" is all his reply is. He takes another sip of the drink, followed by 2 headache tablets.

"Did you have some dinner?" I ask.

"Not yet, I'm waiting for Luke and Sierra and then we'll head out for the night" he replies.

"So is Luke a friend in your band?".

"Yup, he's the guitarist and vocalist, I'm the drummer" he says proudly.

"That's so cool!" I smile. As I attempt to find out more about Ashton, I hear a clicking of a finger and find a big old gentlemen trying to beckon me over to his side of the bar. I sigh.

"Excuse me Ashton" I say, walking to the gentlemen.

"Finally! I've been waiting for service for ages!" the old man moans.

"I do apologise sir, how may I help?" I reply awkwardly.

****

Its 1am, and the stag do have finally left the bar to head into the town centre for a night out. I sigh in relief, tidying up so I can close up and head home for the night. It was my day off tomorrow so I was looking forward to a lie in. I decided to start clearing the tables first, filling my tray with cocktail glasses. I hear a smash of glass, I turn around and see Margot by shattered glass.

I groan, heading over to her with a brush and pan. I smile at her, and let her get on with cleaning up the mess. She just shrugs at me, and proceeds to clean up. Throughout my shift, all I've thought about is Ashton, and how lovely he was. For the rest of the night before Luke and Sierra returned, we talked about lots in between me serving customers. We spoke about living in England, something both of us had done.

"Don't you miss home?" I questioned.

"Yeah, but the boys and I knew that we had to leave Aus a bit to try and get known musically. It was brilliant, living on our own, no rules, no nagging mums-" he says.

"No cleaning" I interrupted, laughing. He gives me a playful nudge at my comment.

"So did you live alone in England before moving here?" he asks.

"I actually lived with my Dad until he remarried, which became difficult to I decided to stay here for good!" I reply with a smile.

Ashton pouts. "But do you not miss home?" he asks.

"Not really. I have bad memories of home, with family and other people, so it was nice to start all over here again" I reply.

"I get it, like I miss home but so much has happened since I moved out and focused on the band" Ashton smiles.

****

I continued to clean the bar, and manage to finish around 2am. I sigh looking at my Apple Watch, noting the time. I head to reception to sign out, and am greeted by Ashton, sat on the chairs, like he was waiting for someone.

"Hey Rockstar" I smile tiredly, trying to hide my yawn.

"Hey Y/N, going home?" he asks.

"Yup, off tomorrow which will be nice".

Ashton looks somewhat disappointed. "Oh? So I won't see you tomorrow?" he replies, looking at the floor.

"Not at work nope, but if you're in the town or about maybe I'll say hey" I wink, confused at why he appeared so disappointed.

"That would be nice, Luke and Sierra were thinking of heading to the beach tomorrow, so maybe see you around" Ashton says.

"Well personally, I'd go to the one further down towards the airport. Its much nicer and better quality sand, if you get me. I head there with Cami and Ed often, it's nice" I smile.

"I take it Ed and Cami are mates?" he asks.

"Yup, Cami is a cleaner here at the hotel and Ed works on reception." I reply.

"That's cool, well maybe I'll say hey to them if I see them around, point out next time? He asks.

"Will do, enjoy your night Ashton" I smile, signing my name and walk towards the exit.

"Goodnight Y/N" he smiles at me, before walking away.

****

I couldn't sleep last night, which was weird for me. Normally, I'm out like a light, but last night was different. I had Ashton on my mind and I couldn't work out why. The way he smiled at me, made me laugh all night at the bar. The sparkle in his Hazel eyes got made me feel gooey.

I decided to get up, and head to the local Spar to get some food bits for the day. I parked my car in the car park, and headed into the store. I grabbed a roll, some Lays crisps and a bottle of Pepsi. I turned into the sweet section and overheard a woman with an American accent laughing.

"Luke! There here, come get the candy" she laughed, before walking into the same section as me. I stopped, and recognised the voice as Sierra, Luke's girlfriend.

"Oh hello" I warmly smile, continuing my shopping and placing some strawberry laces in my basket.

"Hey Y/N, Ash said you had a day off today!" Sierra says, grabbing the same bag of sweets.

"Do I hear my name?" I hear Ashton say, as he turns the corner into where we're stood. As soon as he sees me, his face lights up like a little boy in Christmas day. I playfully wave at him. He comes over.

"Hey Y/N, did you decide on a beach day too?" Ashton says.

"As a matter of fact I did! I take it you listened to my suggestion of this beach?" I say, pointing to the beach over the road from the shop.

"Ahhh so you recommend it... That explains a lot." Sierra winked at Ashton.

"Well it would be rude of us to not invite you along to sit with us for the day, if you wanted?" Sierra asks.

"That would be lovely, thank you. It's always nice to have some company on my days off" I reply, excited at the fact that I get to spend time with them, as they seemed like a good bunch of mates.

Ashton smiled over at me, beckoning me over to the sweet counter.

"Now Y/N, what other sweets should we get?" he asks.

****

"You're definitely cheating!" Ashton insists, pouting like a four year and throwing the cards onto the blanket.

I laugh, picking up the cards and start to reshuffle the deck. It's the 5th round of Rummy and Ashton had lost every single round.

"What can I say, I'm just too good for you" I wink playfully. Ashton rolls his eyes, poking my chest playfully. I watch Sierra and Luke, who are play wrestling on the beach. Its been good hanging out with the three of them for the day. They've spoken a lot about the band, Luke and Sierra's relationship and planning future holidays.

"They're cute together" I admire the couple dancing on the beach. I look over at Ashton, who is also looking at them.

"Yeah, they've been through a lot those guys, I love them lots" he smiles. "They've both been great friends to me, especially recently".

"Can I ask you, what actually happened with your ex?" I asked curiously, not wanted to upset him.

"Myself and Kay had been dating for 6 months, things were going well, but I found myself not being able to give her my full attention, with everything that was going well with 5SOS. She started to make me feel guilty for being away from her. I tried to make effort more, but in the end she wanted more than I could offer. I tried to end up several times, but each time she'd come up with a different excuse or reason not to. In the end I stupidly invited her on this holiday with Luke and Sierra to try and calm things down. Biggest mistake. She took it as a sign that we would be getting back together, but I kept saying to her that I just want to be friends. We sat down the other day and she ended up storming off. So... That's it" Ashton said, his head facing down the whole time.

I pause, taking it all it. "I'm so sorry, it must have been difficult." I reply, placing a reasurring hand on his back.

"It's okay. I just feel bad that she wanted more from me that I can offer. She knew my schedule. I just wish I could find someone that understands that" he sighs.

"I get you, like a no strings things?" I ask.

"Basically yeah, it's how things with her started, but then it clearly got more complicated. Feelings get mixed up. Sex turns into moving in. It went quickly." he says.

"I get that. My ex jumped ahead, its scary, especially if you aren't ready for it" I reply, sighing.

"You went through the same thing?" Ashton asks, looking at me.

I pause, preparing myself to tell the story.

"Yup, and it ended messy. We dated for 5 months. Started off as a hook up after meeting on Tinder, and somehow he turned it into a relationship. I basically felt forced into it, he kept saying 'it's the right thing' when in reality I didn't want it. He insisted on making it a serious relationship, meeting family and making it official on social media. When I tried to end it, all I'd get is abuse, calling me crazy and stupid. In the end I managed to leave him, but he ended up stalking me for weeks after. In the end I got a retraining order, and I've had no trouble since" I said.

Ashton sat and listened to my entire story in silence, nodding a little and sighing with me.

"Wow, you've been through a lot" he said.

"Yup, but then I look at how happy I am now, at my new job, making new friends and meeting new faces each and every day, it gives me so much happiness" I reply smiling. Ashton smiles at this comment, knowing that I'm hinting at him.

"That makes me happy to hear. I'm glad we met y'know Y/N, you're a lovely girl" Ashton says.

"Thanks Ash, I guess you're alright" I reply giving him a wink. He jokingly pushes me to the ground, and jokingly pins me down to the sand, holding both of my hands. We're both laughing, before it all goes quiet. I look deeply into his eyes, memerizing each part of his face. His cute dimples on his cheek, the crease in his lips. Realising what he was doing, all of a sudden he gets up and walks in a circle.

I pause, confused.

"Is everything okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, sorry, I shouldnt have done that" he replies worryingly.

"It's okay, we were only messing around. It was funny" I replied, shocked at how serious he was taking this.

"If you're sure, just don't wanna hurt you" he replies.

I laugh. "I'm a big girl Ash, I'll be okay" I laugh. He chuckles, rolling his eyes, before sitting back down on the picnic blanket again.

****

We get back to the Hotel, and I'm greeted by a beaming Camila, who introduces herself to Ashton, Sierra and Luke.

"Please excuse Miss Y/L/N, she's needed in a room urgently." she requests, dragging me arm away to room 263. She pulls me into the room, and I see Ed is already sat there patiently waiting, on the bed, legs and arms crossed.

"What in earth?" I whisper, realising that we're in a guests room.

"Oh don't worry they checked out an hour ago, no one new expected until later on" Cami reasurres me.

"So, spill some tea sis!!!" Ed chimes.

"Why didn't you tell us you were meeting up with the curly haired boy?!" Cami says.

"OK so his name is Ashton, and he's really sweet. We hung out with his friends at the beach, nothing special" I shrug.

"It looked pretty special to me, looked like a double date" Camila smirked. Ed clapped his hands at this.

"Ashton isn't really looking for... Anything... Or anyone for that matter... At the moment, so it definitely wasn't a date, just hanging out." I shrug, trying to contain my excitement that he was pretty cute.

"But still, he is cute girl, you gotta admit that" Camila said, smiling.

"Yeah, he is, I like him". I said, smiling and dancing around the room a little. Ed and Camila join in dancing with me, before we're interrupted by a knock. Camila forgot to shut the door behind her.

"You lot seem... Happy?" Ashton questions, seeing us all dancing. I can feel myself turning bright red, hoping that he didn't hear what I just said.

"Erm.. Yeah, just happy that it's the weekend!" Ed smiles, trying to cover our backs.

"Speaking of which, cool if I grab Y/N?" Ashton asks.

"You go ahead sweetie, we'll be just here". Camila grins from ear to ear, ushering Ed out of the room, and hide behind the corner so they can hear every word. I roll my eyes at this action.

Ashton chuckeled. "Your friends are funny".

"Yeah they're petty decent. Did you have a good day? I hope you liked the beach and that you liked the food also, because I really was worried tha-" I said.

"It was perfect, Y/N, thank you. Luke commented on how much of a great tour guide you were for us today. So thankyou. Plus you have a good eye for nice food!" Ashton smiles, lightly brushing his finger along my cheek. I can feel myself shudder at this light touch, making me legs feel like jelly.

"Speaking of food, to say thank you, I'd like to take you out for dinner tonight, just me and you. Is that okay?" Ashton asked.

I pause, shocked at his request.

"I-I would love to" is all I manage to reply.

"Great, it's a date" he winks, before walking off.

****

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 //

[nirah10]

Some Personal Stuff

Here's something that doesn't really connect to anything but me and may not be interesting but I just want to get it off my chest because it's been bugging me.

As some of you know, I was recently diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. This had been a very big thing for me as it has finally answered some life-long questions and helped me better understand myself. My mum has been wonderfully supportive and my friends have been great in learning more about autism so that they can know me better and have actually asked about what kind of things bother me so that they could be more careful (which I never asked of them, but they're just awesome and care enough to put some effort in to helping me be comfortable ^_^). Really, almost the entire experience has been positive. I would actually say that one of the only issues I've had has been the way some of my siblings have reacted.

I have good relationships with all of my siblings and I think they're pretty cool people in general, but some of them have some really weird hang-ups from the way we were raised that they never really got past. We were raised with the very unfortunate (and vocal!) belief that mental health problems didn't really exist. We were told that things like despression didn't really exist and that people just needed to suck it up and get over it. We were told that people who practiced self-harm were just drama queens looking for attention (heaven forbid you ever want attention!). We were told that people who killed themselves were the most cowardly and selfish people in the world. I think you get the idea.

Thankfully, my mother has grown so much as a person and realized that not only are those ideas just plain wrong but they are also very harmful. She is now one of my strongest pillars of support and one of the very few people I feel truly comfortable speaking openly with about my mental health struggles. My siblings have all improved greatly, but some of them are still a little stuck on some of those old ideas. If you asked them, they would tell you without a doubt that depression is 100% real but, if you tell them that you or someone else has depression, there's a good chance that they'll become skeptical and start asking questions as if they're trying to prove you wrong. They might make comments about people self-diagnosing themselves or exaggerating or even just outright lying for the sake of attention. Quite often, they'll say things like "everyone feels like that sometimes" and completely play down someone's experience until they can dismiss it entirely.

Even before I got diagnosed, some of my siblings seemed to bristle at the mention of the possibility. When I said I was looking to be assessed, they all asked "Why?" Some of them were satisfied when I said "Because I think I might be autistic" and carried on the conversation normally or asked follow-up questions out of interest. However, some of them carried on the conversation with what felt like a determination to prove that my suspicions were invalid. They would ask lots of questions about my experiences but it quickly became clear that it wasn't in order to understand, because almost every answer was followed up with a "but" statement. "But everyone feels like that sometimes." "But lots of people would find that stressful." "But maybe you're looking too much into that." I even heard once "Do YOU think you're autistic or did Mum tell you that?" as some of my siblings seem to think my mother's change in attitude is also some weird kind of bid for attention. I was also asked by two different siblings, "Why do you WANT something to be wrong with you?"

My most common way of finishing those conversations, after hearing some version of why it's probably nothing and I'm probably not autistic (ie, "it's so easy to read about something online and think you have it"), was to bluntly say "I know. That's why I want to see a professional and get a proper assessment."

Anyway, I got assessed and diagnosed. I thought that might be enough to satisfy my skeptical siblings. Turns out, not really. While they won't say that they don't think I have autism anymore, they are still very quick to dismiss it. I had one sibling suggest that, because I'm on the mild end of the spectrum, "it doesn't really affect [me]". It wasn't a question but a statement. I have had several more shows of feigned interest for the sake of trying to minimalize or dismiss and it has been quite disheartening at times. With some of my family, I feel reluctant to ever say anything relating to mental health and especially autism because I'm tired of hearing thinly veiled denials that I'm actually autistic. Getting assessed/diagnosed was supposed to be about understanding and helping myself and not about whether or not my family was comfortable.

Not long ago, my Mum shared a video on Facebook that was meant to raise awareness on autism. It started with the speaker telling you to imagine trying to watch a TV show and listen to five radios on different stations all going full volume at the same time, and then explained that that's how life can feel to an autistic person all the time. The video carried on for some time after that and covered other experiences. I messaged my mother privately to discuss some of the things discussed in the video and I told her that I hadn't wanted to leave a comment because I didn't want other family members to see it and start leaving dismissive comments. After talking to her for some time, I decided that I would leave a very simple comment on what I felt was the easiest thing to understand, simply saying "The example of the TV and five radios is spot on." I kid you not, it took maybe two minutes for one of my siblings to respond with something along the lines of "Yeah, I get really stressed out when there's lots of noise too."

Part of me wanted to let it go and leave it be but, after talking to my Mum and seeing how much she had changed and how much work she put into beng supportive, I felt upset and got stubborn. I responded that anyone gets stressed out in loud environments, but that that was not the same thing. For an autistic person, sounds can be so distracting that it can become hard to function and lead to panic attacks, even if it's not loud. The answer was (paraphrasing) "I get that. If I'm driving and the radio is on and the kids are being noisy or screaming in the back, I can forget where I'm going. I have to turn the radio off sometimes so that I can focus." Okay, no. Just no. That's not the same thing at all. I quickly answered with a detailed explanation of why it's not the same thing, also emphasizing that there's a big difference between getting stressed by actual loud noises and having your brain completely shut down over sounds that might not even be loud. They quickly backpedaled and said that they knew it wasn't the same and that they were just saying it was relatable, a family member who had joined in said that they hadn't even watched the video and was only responding to the other's comments about finding noise stressful. That was followed up by another comment saying that maybe they hadn't communicated properly and they hadn't meant anything by it, which I felt much better about. I still didn't buy the idea that the inital comments had no intention of being dismissive, but I could believe that they realized partway through the conversation that they were being upsetting and wanted to fix it. Still, the conversation has stuck in my head as a very disheartening experience.

Sensory overload is one of my biggest difficulties with autism. I am very easily upset by sound and it doesn't take much for me to shut down. Volume is rarely a factor but, rather, the number of sources, whether I can distinguish one sound from another, and whether I can locate the source. I used to have panic attacks in school during tests because being able to hear twenty-some pencils scratching but not being able to distinguish between pencils sent me into a complete panic. Those pencils may as well have been cannons in my ears. They were the loudest things in the world.

Tonight, I sat down at the nursing station at work and immediately noticed a sound that I'm not accustomed to hearing there. It was quiet enough that I couldn't tell exactly what it was and, worse, I couldn't tell WHERE it was. I became so distracted by the sound that I completely, physically froze. I don't know exactly how long I sat there but, at the end of this little experience, my tea had gone from freshly made to just a hair above lukewarm. The entire time I sat there, half my brain was desperately trying to locate the sound and identify it and the other half of my brain was desperately begging the first half to ignore it and just let it go. My heart rate went up to what I would expect it to be if I had just run a short distance. A sense of panic gripped me, the same kind of feeling I had the first (and only) time a cop pulled me over. I literally could not think about anything else.

After several minutes, I finally managed to calm myself because, without having to move from my frozen position, I was able to both identify and locate the source of the sound. What was it?

Do you see it?

A watch. It was the sound of a watch ticking in a basket of found items sitting several feet away. That was all it took to put me into a state of shutdown and had me edging towards a state of panic. A watch that somebody found and left behind, leaving a barely audible but unexpected source of sound in an environment I am familiar with took me from independent and capable to frozen, vulnerable, and moments away from hyperventilating and bursting into tears.

But autism doesn't really affect me. But I barely register on the spectrum, so I don't really count. But everyone gets overwhelmed by noise sometimes. But everyone has trouble focusing in stressful situations.

Someone being on the mild end of the autism spectrum does not mean that they don't suffer or that they don't really have it. It means that they present well. It means that they're better able to control their outward reactions and/or better able to learn what's expected of them. Saying someone's autism is "mild" is a reflection of how much other people are affected by their autism rather than by how much the individual is affected. On the outside, I would have simply looked like I was deep in thought and anyone who walked past probably wouldn't have looked twice. On the inside, I was freaking the hell out. It definitely affected me, even if there were no observable manifestations in the outside world. I have avoided furthering my education or looking for a better job because of experiences like this. I have missed work, which later meant I struggled to pay my bills. I have lost friendships. I have passed up opportunities. I have never left the town I grew up in, even though every single member of my family has moved away. I will likely never have biological children because I don't think I can handle pregnancy. I don't know if I will have children period because the process of adoption might be too overwhelming for me. I am terrified of having children and failing them as a parent because my autism might cripple my communication with them or cause me to be too impatient or inflexible. I am not likely to achieve many of my aspirations because little moments like ticking watches in unexpected places happen all the time, even if nobody except me knows it.

I have "mild" autism and it affects me.