#their trauma informs these things about them and it comes to a head regularly

[bullagit]

some days it's just like yeah if the good omens fandom is gonna do one thing, it's watching aziraphale make choices that he clearly feels he has to make, despite whatever he personally wants or what would personally make him happy, because he wants to protect crowley or earth and humanity or whatever

and immediately making him out to be selfish/manipulative/cruel/abusive/too naive/a bigot/etc, solely bc of the fact that crowley is sad in the aftermath...

[kaijutegu]

As if you needed another reason not to listen to Jay Brewer/Prehistoric Pets

Of all the reptile influencers, Jay Brewer is my least favorite. Let's see what he is up to today!

Recently this colossal idiot pet store owner who pretends he has any real knowledge about natural history went field herping. He grabbed a wild rattlesnake and filmed himself popping its genitalia for field sexing, without having ANYBODY CONTROLLING THE HEAD.

He just put his snake hook on top of it and popped out its genitals. In this incredibly unsafe video, he not only put himself and the snake at risk, but he claims it's educational- and that's why he did it.

Only thing is, he's wrong, and in fact spends time spreading misinformation. Let's take a look at some of his comments. This is the caption to his video.

The "nodes" are the hemipenes. He says that if there was one, it would be a girl. Thing is, girl snakes don't have hemipenes. While they do have hemiclitorises, those don't evert like hemipenes do. If "a node" comes out when you pop (read: bend a snake's tail back at the cloaca, forcing the genitals to emerge), you've given your snake a cloacal prolapse. This can kill them, but mill-style breeder Jay Brewer does not care about the lives of animals. We've known this. He doesn't care about his own snakes- he cuts eggs for funsies, he keeps giant snakes in drawers, and he regularly puts peoples' safety at risk for viral videos. But he also clearly doesn't care about the lives of wild animals.

What else has he said?

So here's a thought: Maybe your audience shouldn't know that they can pop a rattlesnake's hemipenes out of its cloaca because that is fucking dangerous. Not all information is good information to share in the Instagram format! Sometimes the general public shouldn't see you casually doing something dangerous without explaining what it is or why you're doing it!

Just wanting to know the sex of a snake in the field, when you're not actually doing any real research, is not a valid reason to do something this risky. Part of education is knowing what's actually educational. Another part is knowing how to appropriately frame dangerous activities so that you don't make your audience think that it's something anybody can go out and do. One of the things that makes me so upset about this video is the complete lack of context. It's not just that he has zero respect for a venomous animal, it's that he has zero respect for his audience.

Also, in the audio of his video, he doesn't call them hemipenes. He doesn't provide the most basic education he claims he does! He's just messing with an animal for the sake of messing with it!

He also promulgates a lie that popping doesn't cause the snake any harm, which is not what even most breeders say about it. Now, luckly, the snake seemed fine in this case. But there are plenty of people, mostly pet owners, who have lost snakes because they've tried to pop incorrectly and broken their snake's spine around the cloaca. Between the inability to eliminate correctly and infection caused from wounds, popping is one of the riskiest- and most unnecessary things- you can do to a pet snake.

Good breeders and snakekeepers do not take videos of themselves popping their snakes and put it on instagram and pretend it's educational. You pop snakes to guarantee the sex of the animal, and you do it ONLY when they are very young. Older snakes have more muscle control and it can hurt them pretty badly.

Even Spruce Pets knows that popping can cause your snake significant trauma, but fine, whatever. Let's traumatize random venomous snakes for Instagram views!

Also, he's just completely uninformed! Take this answer:

Probably? No, the answer is an easy yes. Rattlesnakes lose rattles all the time. They lose rattles due to terrain, to genetic deformity (some rattlers never form them!), and to predation attempts. It's just keratin. They're fine without it. Any real herpetologist would know this. If he can't get basic facts right, how can he be trusted to get more complicated stuff right?

And yeah, maybe this whole post is a little unhinged. But I hate this man and his practices so much. I hate that he's the face of an industry that could be so much better if it weren't for people like him. I hate that he's getting a TV show. I hate that people encounter his media and think that anything he does is a good idea. At least Brian Barczyck tries these days and actually promotes good care and safety at the Reptarium, but all Jay wants is popularity. He has zero respect for animals, and I loathe and detest that he's the face of our hobby.

[enlitment]

The Voltaire-Rousseau Beef aka V v. JJ part III.

for @stars-in-the-night , @headsinsand and other great (and amazingly patient) readers

part 1 ; part 2 ; part 3 ; part 4

7. THE ORPHANAGE (to be read in Eliza Hamilton's voice)

The one thing from his personal life that Rousseau is probably best remembered for is the fact that he gave up all five children he had with his long-term partner, Thérèse, to a Parisian orphanage. One after the other, in what could be called a rapid succession, a simple case of salut and adieu.

The reasons he gave for his behaviour differ from ‘I have fallen with a bad crowd in Paris and this is just what people around me did’ and ‘I basically had no other option anyway’ (not true, he could have married Thérèse and try to make it work. Sure, money was tight, and someone could make a few snarky remarks about the first baby looking surprisingly big for a six-month old or whatever, but these things happened quite regularly. Also, Diderot married his working-class mistress despite his father’s stern disapproval. Just saying) to – now this comes up somewhat later in the Confessions and is significantly darker – ‘I really hated Thérèse’s family and thought it would be better to let my kids be raised by the state than be around them’.

If this was him trying to break a cycle of generational trauma though – perhaps one of the side of his own family as well –  I’d argue there were far better ways of going about it. There’s also potentially one even darker, quasi-psychoanalytical reason for this now infamous choice, but it’s probably best to steer clear of Freud. Nothing good usually comes out of it.

Of course, doing something like this would make anyone seem like a douchebag, but a guy famous for writing a treatise on how to best raise children?* Guy who repeatedly argued that the single purpose of a woman’s life is to be a mother? Now that’s a hypocrisy so deliciously juicy that one simply cannot resist sharing it with the world!

*interestingly enough, he insists in the Confessions that he wanted to reveal this information in his On Education (aka Emile), and that in one of the book's passages, he alluded to this episode in such a way that he ‘basically confessed to it already’. I haven’t found that part yet, and I remain somewhat sceptical about whether this is truly the case.

8. SECOND INTERMEZZO: VOLTAIRE THE AVID HATE-READER

V on Julie, or the New Heloise: „silly, middle-class, dirty-minded and boring“

V on Profession of Faith of a Savoyard Vicar: „I read his On Education. These are reasonings of a stupid nurse in four volumes, of which forty pages directed against Christianity. They are among the most daring that have ever been written, [but] by virtue of inconsistency worthy of this head without a brain and this Diogenes* with no heart, he uttered as much abuse against the philosophers, as against Jesus Christ.“ (letter to Damilaville, 1762)

*calling JJ ‘Diogenes’ was definitely a trend in the 1700s, and what seems like V’s go-to insult for him. Calling him a ‘lackey of Diogenes’ does potentially get a bit kink-shame-y though...

9. A MOUNTAIN AND AN AVALENCHE

The last post featured an earthquake in Portugal, now get ready for a distinctly Swiss natural disaster!

To be perfectly fair to Voltaire, although he was certainly not a person who was above spreading gossip, he did have a good reason to publish what he knew about Rousseau and let all hell break loose, since...

in Rousseau’s Letters Written from the Mountain published in 1763, JJ had exposed Voltaire as the author of the infamous Sermon of the Fifty, an anti-christian work that had the potential to get its author into serious trouble. Voltaire could not and would not let this slide – especially when he had the perfect weapon on his hands. Payback time!

Voltaire therefore went on to publish a short anonymous pamphlet titled Sentiments des Citoyens (aka How Citizens Feel – since JJ proudly called himself ‘citizen of Geneva’ in his works and he championed sentiments over reason – see, it’s all very clever!) in which he exposed details from Rousseau’s personal life. This of course included the most shocking, most hypocritical, and most memorable detail of all: Rousseau, Mr. Family First, Mr. Let’s-raise-precious-children-in-a-way-that-won’t-corrupt-their-natural-godness had dumped all of his offspring into a Parisian orphanage! Not so virtuous now, is it?

Interestingly, Rousseau never put two and two together and realised Voltaire was the real author of the fateful pamphlet. It would be interesting to see how he would react had he known.

That said, much like d’Alembert’s article on Geneva a couple of years earlier, the Sentiments des Citoyens led JJ to pick up a pen once again to do what he did best: to defend the poorest and most oppressed souls against the cruel and unjust world. Which usually just happened to be himself.

And thus, as Roger Pearson, an author of one of Voltaire's many biographies concludes:

“we have Voltaire to thank for (…) being the catalyst of Rousseau’s Confessions” which he calls “one of the world’s great autobiographies”

(no, not like that @chaotic-history. Though now I cannot unsee it every time I read the quote)

->

Tune in next time for the (mis)adventure in Britain which will feature:

another philosopher - David Hume - dragged into the mess

a fake letter from Frederick the Great (that was actually penned by the most messy gossip of a person in the 18th century)

a genuinely funny statue story with an appearance from d'Alembert

[altocat]

Alto!! I’m very sad now!! Can I have some wholesome Angeal treating Seph like a person headcanons, plz? :3cc 😂

(Also thank you SO much for giving those Omnia updates 😭👍 Love Cloud & Angeal’s characterizations so much!!!)

Yesss I'm glad you're as upset about the tasty Sephgeal angst in OO as I am!

Let's see...

I like the idea of Angeal being one of the few people who regularly calls Sephiroth out on any bullshit. Obvious Genesis is the problem child of the three, but since Sephiroth seems drawn to his dumbass reckless behavior, Angeal occasionally has to go after Seph as well. Sephiroth would later come to appreciate Zack more for this because of how he reminds him of Angeal.

Angeal is one of the few people who takes an active interest in Sephiroth's personal health and wellbeing. He makes sure Sephiroth is eating and getting plenty of sleep and will chew Sephiroth's head off if he doesn't.

He is the only one very intimately aware of the fact that Sephiroth has likely dealt with some very intense levels of trauma that are STILL ongoing every time Sephiroth visits Hojo's lab. Angeal feels somewhat helpless because he can see what Sephiroth is going through but can't do much about it.

Angeal is the only one who knows about Glenn and Rosen. And assuming this doesn't come up in Episode 2, I'm headcannoning that he's comforted Sephiroth about what happened, telling him that it wasn't his fault.

Angeal is usually Sephiroth's closest confidant for personal information in general.

One special thing about the bond that Angeal and Sephiroth share is the fact that there is a silent level of trust between them. Angeal more than often can read Sephiroth's expressions and body language the way others can't. Sephiroth, in turn, often feels secure enough around Angeal to the point where he sometimes doesn't have to say anything at all. Message is always heard.

Truthfully, Sephiroth views Angeal as the brother he never had. He would have died for him. He would have done anything for him.

Even now, Angeal is calling to Sephiroth from within the Lifestream, begging him over and over and over again to let go, to come home and find peace.

[watermelonsloth]

Itachi and the Uchiha Massacre

This might be one of the most controversial posts I’ll ever make.

I find myself very undecided about how I feel about Itachi’s role in the Uchiha massacre. It fills me with the same moral indecision and disgust of the trauma olympics (aka the comparing of “who had it worse”). Every time I try to come to a consensus, I immediately doubt my conclusion and question whether I’m giving Itachi too much of the benefit of the doubt or I’m not taking his circumstances into account enough. It’s like asking if him being a child outweighs him killing children. And that makes me uncomfortable.

On the one hand, he did something very very very bad. He killed an entire clan of people, including who knows how many innocent civilians and children. He then proceeded to psychologically torture his seven year old brother with the memories of him doing so. Prior to being met with this specific conundrum, I would’ve said without hesitation that this is a black-and-white situation with Itachi being solidly in the wrong. Even if he wasn’t the only perpetrator, he still would deserve much of the blame for being one of the executors of such an abhorrent act.

I cannot stress enough how terrible the massacre would’ve been in practice.

However, and this is where I might lose a few of you, as more information is revealed, one question nags at my entire fucking central nervous system. How much of a choice did Itachi really have?

To understand the full circumstances, first you have to understand that the context falls under two categories: who Itachi is (and his perspective) and what position he was in when he made the decision he did. First, who he is:

Itachi grew up in a militaristic village that normalizes violence, especially violence being used to solve problems.

This village has also normalized putting the village’s survival over oneself and one’s friends/family.

He was alive to see the very end of the third shinobi war and the nine tails attack, two events that have solidified his belief that war is the worst thing ever and should be prevented at all costs.

Hiruzen, Danzo, Kakashi, and Shisui encourage his belief that war should be avoided at any and all costs. Three of them are authority figures (see the Milgram experiment for why that’s relevant) and one of them is his first and only best friend.

He is a very introverted and closed off person. He’s so closed off that not even his immediate family can read him. Because of this, his inner circle is very small (meaning he has a very small support network).

He grew up with a strict, authoritarian father and entered the anbu at a young age, meaning he grew up being expected/pressured to obey those in positions of power without asking questions.

He’s an introvert who’s scared of conflict and keeps his head down.

Second, his actual position when he was told to kill his clan (I might be missing some, so feel free to add any others you remember.):

He was thirteen. That is a child in grade 8. That is the age of most genin.

Tensions between his family and village are implied to have been rising for a while and are now at the point that, for whatever reason, negotiation is deemed impossible.

Tensions are so high that if the village doesn’t act soon, the Uchiha’s coup will spark an all out civil war.

The Uchiha clan has little to no chance of winning the conflict and will likely have most (if not all) of its members killed in it. Plus, the conflict would’ve also resulted in many casualties on Konoha’s side as well, including civilians, children, and shinobi who had nothing to do with what was happening.

Tensions between him and his father are extremely high as well with the two of them being implied to regularly argue.

His best friend, possibly only friend, died by jumping off of a cliff in front of him after giving him one of his eyes and left the responsibility of handling the entire situation to him.

He’s being suspected for the murder of said best friend (and was flat out accused of it in front of his younger brother by three adult police officers) and is suspected as being more loyal to the village than to his clan, making him even more of an outcast to his clan.

He's aware that his best friend was attacked and mutilated by Danzo, one of the village leaders and his superior. If he wants any action taken against Danzo, he’ll have to fight a solo, uphill battle against all of the village leaders and risk losing all sway over the Uchiha situation (which would still be a ticking time bomb) in the process.

If he doesn’t want to fight a two sided war or lose what little power he has in the situation, his safest option is to follow orders while pushing for a plan where casualties are minimized.

Did Itachi have other options? Yes, I’m not gonna pretend that genocide was Itachi’s only choice. But a lot of people seem to forget how difficult or flawed a lot of his alternatives would have actually been in practice.

For example, I’ve seen a lot of people throw around the idea of Itachi just grabbing Sasuke and leaving the village. First of all, the massacre still would’ve happened, Itachi and Sasuke just wouldn’t have been there for it. Second, Itachi would’ve had to remove Sasuke from the village without being caught by the village or the Uchiha clan when he was under the scrutiny of both. Itachi is a good shinobi, but I don’t know if he’s that good. Third, how would he even get Sasuke to go along with him? Itachi may not have been close to his clan, but Sasuke loved his clan. Yes, Sasuke also loved Itachi, but it’s a pretty big stretch to say that seven-year-old Sasuke would’ve just gone along with it, especially when he wouldn’t have been able to understand the true scale of the situation. (Itachi would pretty much have to kidnap Sasuke for this plan to work.) Fourth (and similarly), people don’t tend to like uprooting their entire lives to leave the home they grew up in, even in emergency situations or when it’s the objectively better/safer option. Itachi and Sasuke, who were both raised to be “lay down their lives” loyal to their home, would’ve been especially averse to this idea. Fifth, even if they got over all of that and got out of the village, Itachi would have to raise his younger brother alone at thirteen years old while being on the run from a world power with no protection in a world where they’re at risk of being killed or getting the attention of creeps like Orochimaru simply for having kekkei genkai. It’s not like Itachi had outside contacts (beside Obito but Obito would not have helped them even if Itachi trusted him enough to trust Sasuke’s life to him) or there was a benevolent nation to take them in. Even if they managed to one day settle into a peaceful life, it would’ve taken years of fighting to survive before they’d have gotten there. Cool fanfic idea, but making Itachi slightly more innocent isn’t a solution.

The idea that Itachi should’ve just told the Uchiha clan what was going on and got help from them is similarly short sighted. The Uchiha clan were the victims in this situation, but they weren’t perfect angels either. Itachi was not close to, or particularly well liked by, his clan. Save for Shisui (who is theoretically dead in this scenario) and Sasuke, he had no emotional connection to the clan, only vague respect and a waning sense of responsibility towards it. And even if he did go to them, Itachi telling them what was happening would’ve just sparked a civil war, the one thing Itachi was desperate to avoid and the thing that would’ve gotten them all killed.

So…

What was the point of all this?

I’ll admit that I hoped typing out my thoughts would somehow end in me settling on an opinion, but right now I’m still just as undecided and significantly more depressed. Because, like, it’s just a depressing, shitty situation where there were victims and perpetrators and Itachi who just so happened to be both. Maybe trying to ask if Itachi is either “good” or “evil” is asking the wrong question. Maybe the entire discussion about how moral Itachi is as a person or all of the other choices he could’ve made is missing the point.

[tvb0y]

HI THERR ^^ my name is Austin or Reaper and I have a couple of TMNT Hcs. Some are the Rise version, others are the 2012 version.

First, for both versions, I think the turtles are heavily co-dependent on each other. Like HEAVILY. Let ONE turtle not come back home one night, everyone is freaking the hell out. ESPECIALLY IF IT’S MIKEY.

Another both versions HC, yk that whistle in Black Widow? The turtles have a certain calling system, kind of when teachers clap and you clap back in school. But it’s whistles and chirps. And it’s like silent communication in a way. Also, Master Splinter is definitely usually confused when he hears the whistles and chirps but has decided against saying anything.

Now, for 2012 HCs!

Ralph has major anger issues. Like completely destroying his room, cracking fingers to calm down and accidentally broke one, punching walls in the holes kind of anger issues.

Donnie is somehow the type who has such an unhealthy eating disorder (eating a lot one day and then not eating at all while designing an app another day) and it’s a miracle on how somehow, it hasn’t stamped his fighting abilities.

Leo paces in circles when he’s bored or practicing a new technique with his sword. Perfect circles if he’s anxious about something.

Mikey has an acrobatic fighting style (this goes for Rise and 2012).

Donnie used to have a rubix cube hyperfixation and literally has over 26 rubix cubes in there, 3x3, 2x2, 100x100, you name it. It’s not has much of a bigger hyperfixation now but you can still occasionally catch him fiddling and messing with one just to solve it again.

Ralph gets easily overstimulated with noise, especially if it’s insults and has a tendency to lash out as a defense mechanism when things or people get too loud.

Ralph is an avid smoker and probably an addict.

Mikey has completely mastered all forms of pencil spinning, every trick in the book and Donnie still gets jealous over it.

Ralphael “You didn’t eat again.” and Donatello “And you didn’t sleep again.”

Leo knows such useless but somehow important information? Like while Donnie knows only the important stuff, Leo knows the unconventional stuff. Like he knows how dismember a body but does not know how to cook a body.

Leo likes true crime podcasts and books about detectives.

Ralph and Casey do not argue. They spar. And whoever wins has successfully proved their point in whatever the argument was about and loser has to do what they say to fix whatever they were arguing about.

Have you seen the fights between Natasha Romanoff and The Winter Soldier? That’s usually them.

NOW RISE HCS!

Leo is a pathological liar, and is trying to not lie as much. He also has a tendency to copy trauma responses he sees on the tv shows Splinter puts on to get Splinter’s attention.

Leo would absolutely be a theatre kid.

Ralph likes hot chocolate and only smokes when he’s stressed or angry.

And also refers to his brothers as “his boys”.

Mikey commonly does ballet and is an aerialist. It helps a ton with his fighting style — seeing as both ballet dancers and aerialist have to be A. On point, B. Discipline and able to handle being pushed beyond their physical limits and C. Controlled and deadly.

Again, Donnie has disordered eating. But mostly just consumes drinks instead of actual nutrition and even has forgotten to eat at some points.

Ralphael “You didn’t eat again.” and Donatello “And you didn’t sleep again.” because YES.

Leo is, how could I say this? The brat of the family. Regularly finds loopholes to punishments he gets.

Mikey starts bouncing up and down when he’s excited. Pizza? He’s bouncing. Patrol? He’s bouncing. Movie night? He’s BOUNCING. Ralph, Donnie and Leo essentially have a damn ball for a brother.

Ralph is actually great with kids, especially younger babies. Surprisingly, they don’t seem all that afraid of him. It’s Donnie they’re afraid of.

Ralph still has horrible anger issues, but in a way that his head starts to hurt when he’s angry. In a way that his own anger-filled thoughts terrify him, in a way where he’ll take it out on himself instead of others.

Donnie paces when he’s ranting and paces in perfect circles when he’s figuring something out.

Donnie is the “genius and madness” trope and nope. I don’t wanna hear any criticism.

Donnie does jigsaw puzzles. And has learned Japanese just so he could understand the sub version of anime.

Leo is a writer but NOBODY knows that.

And yeah, that’s about it :p

DUDE THIS IS INSANE /Pos

I love all these Hcs and I especially the overstimulated by noise one with Raph, which I think would apply to ROTTMNT Raph too

TYSM FOR SPENDING YOUR TIME ON THIS AND TELLING ME!!! LIKE SERIOUSLY, THIS IS IMPRESSIVE :0

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

How do you think Hobie feels about Miles and Gwen both having cops as parents? Is it like, "The police force should be disbanded and funds given to other departments" or is he straight up ACAB?

Hi, thanks for this because I think this is such an interesting question! Between 'Defund the police' vs 'ACAB' I think Hobie is more on the side of ACAB, but also a secret third thing.

Part of it is morality and beliefs. I think Hobie has some very informed ideas about punk, compassion, anarchy, anti-capitalism. I HC he's really well read, about anarchism, communism, socialism, etc. And when it comes to police, I imagine he has some qualms with the idea of policing in general, considering the VENOM cops in his world - but it's not just mindless hate, but a critique of society and police's role in it, regardless of funding. BUT.

The other part is trauma.

Hobie probably knows police brutality more than anyone. He regularly fights and saves people from fascists. While other Spideys may fear getting demasked or thrown in jail, Hobie is one who has the concern of genuinely being outright killed on sight if he gets caught.

So I feel a lot of it is trauma. In a 'you people are all sick in the head i hate cops and i wish they were all dead' kinda way.

Like, I wouldn't be surprised if he had nightmares about it. I could see him being quick to rage around cops almost as a defense mechanism. Seeing a cop and immediately going on defense, feeling uncomfortable, watching their moves, feeling tense, etc.

And sometimes it can maybe skew his lens and start to overshadow his truly meaningful talking points and political ideas.

And this extends to Gwen and Miles a bit. I figure that when Hobie first hears about Gwen's dad, in his head it deeply confirms his trauma and hate for cops. Even if Gwen wants to - and eventually does - reconcile with her dad, in the beginning Hobie would probably be thinking like 'fucking pig choosing the force over his daughter, what bullshit'.

When she tells him, he might even talk bad about her dad, and I could see her being a bit taken aback at this. Not in outright offense, but enough to gently defend her dad.

But Miles challenges this for him, especially since their first conversation, Miles speaks highly of his parents and how much they want for him.

This is amplified when Hobie can see how hard Miles is fighting for his dad. Hobie is all about loyalty and seeing Miles go to that length for his family would at least have an effect on him and his view of Miles' parents.

-

Overall, I could see Hobie starting off as biting his tongue in front of them, and kind of checking himself. Most likely staying out of the way or sticking by Gwen and Miles but not saying much. Just to keep the piece. If he's having a bad trauma day or had a run in with cops lately, at most he'd just put on headphones and mind his business.

He doesn't want to hurt Miles, and Miles is already trying to earn back the respect of his parents, same way Gwen is still patching things up with her dad. So I don't think he'd start taking the piss out of their dads at the start.

It's a good thing Officer Davis is so friendly. Hobie would probably be less talkative towards him at first, but after seeing how fatherly Miles' dad is - not just to Miles, but to him too - then that changes things a bit.

Cute thing is, here in New York goths and punks are very common, and theres active communities of both. Miles' dad probably wouldn't be put off of Hobie, and if anything he'd probably be interested or respectful of his style/views. He gets it, and still makes the attempt to talk to Hobie every once and awhile - it a mutual respect. Miles would really appreciate that.

With Gwen's dad, it's a work in progress. Gwen is kinda still doing her thing and patching things up - so I think at most he'd let her dad know that he's there, and that he's the one who looked out for Gwen. Not for a thank you or anything, but just to make a point that Gwen has a home regardless of what he pulls. But I can't imagine him having positive views of him.

He'd be happy Gwen is happy, but I feel like Hobie doesn't like you, it's really really hard to get him to change his mind.

—-

Thanks again for this!! This is such an interesting thing to think about so this is just my take cause i LOVE angst trauma hobi that turns it into loving kindness for his friends

[lonely-shine]

Alnair 🌂🧠 Atlas 🍎🎯 Shell 🎓🍀 Ebis ✨🥊🎯 Marcus 🌂

Thanks for all the questions!! :D Let's see...

*Alnair

🌂 - What genre do they belong in? Fantasy! She's an Arcana game OC, so fantasy all the way in.

🧠 - What do you like most about the OC? They're the perfect mashup of self-insert to project into and character of its own to explore paths I myself would personally not walk through. I also love how she lets me rewrite canon events however I want xD

*Atlas

🍎 - What is the OC’s relationship w/their parents like? In short, pretty good! Atlas has two moms, Naith (they/them) and Irdred (she/her) (and the auntcle/biological father, Laith (she/he/they)) and loves them very much. Atlas picked many interests from them (art, gardening, etc), specially from Naith. And athough he travels far and often (he picked that from Laith), he still keeps in touch regularly and visits home once in a while.

...wow, me giving a character a perfectly healthy background/family. This is rare to happen. Quick, make a wish!

🎯 -What do they do best? All things plants. In magic? That means potions, charms, etc. In daily life? You got him gardening, cooking, brewing tea... If it involves working with plants one way or another, he has you covered.

*Shell

🎓 - How long have you had the OC? I wanna say May 2021? *goes check* Yeah, I posted about her in June 2021 for the first time, so maybe I had her for like. maybe a month before that. Which means I had her for almost three years already? And she's still so little developed? Gods. In my defence I don't choose what my brain fixates on and also my life went to shit in late 2021 and kept like that for two years, so yeah. I want to take better care of my OCs and stories now tho ^^

🍀 - What originally inspired the OC? At first I just needed someone to comfortably play Asra's and Julian's routes with because it didn't quite work with either Alnair nor Atlas. Then I started wondering if it was possible to have one character that fitted all six Arcana routes. So I gave her an angsty backstory by which her identity was stripped and to be reshaped by the route she takes, gave her the name 'Shell' solely so I could have the play on words "Shell is your name and that's what you shall become" as part of her 'curse', and ta-daa! Yet another OC for the collection was born xD

*Ebis

✨- How did you come up with the OC’s name? Okay, bear with me. Ebis is a Submachine OC, loosely based on the Player. And I say 'loosely' because there isn't really any information about Player to base Ebis on. Anyway, in one of the games you get out a padded room and there's the patient number 2183. Which, in digital clock numbers, if mirrored, kinda read like 'Ebis' if you squint hard enough. That's the logic Ebis follows to choose her name, since she wakes up without memories and it's easier to think of herself as 'Ebis' than a 4 digit number anyway.

Maybe it's a dumb way to decide for a name but if it works it works.

🥊 -What do they love to do? What do they hate to do? She loves tinkering away with computer software, which is good for her because she makes a job out of it post-canon (I have not written about that, but it exists in my head), and also numeric games for when she wants to scratch that brain itch without dealing with the inevitable bugs. She also loves gardening and not only that but needs to get her hands into the dirt and feel the sun on her face regularly for optimal mental stability. As for hating... I can only think of anything that would involve her going underground? Trauma related thing, after Submachine she's had enough underground for the rest of her life. Otherwise I don't know, I haven't given much thought to it. Oh! But she's incapable of sitting still and doing nothing, if that counts.

🎯 -What do they do best? She's very good at computers and programming... and the less socially accepted side of it as well (by which I mean she knows how to hack stuff, but she doesn't do that post-canon, and in-canon she does by necessity).

*Marcus

🌂 - What genre do they belong in? As the other Submachine OC I guess sci-fi/fantasy? Adventure? There's some post-apocalypse vibes to much of the game as well. Post-canon this would turn to the fluffy slice-of-life this poor tired man (and Ebis as well) deserves.

And that's all!! I believe I have talked enough for the day, thank you so much for the questions, they made my day :D

[teeelsie-posts]

Fanfic Writers' Director's Cut: Winter Quarters

 @drgrlfriend asked for Director’s Cut commentary about Winter Quarters, so here you go!

Ages and ages ago, I stumbled on a short one-shot C/C fic, Feathered Friends. by Perpetual Motion. It’s an MCU/DC crossover that introduces Dick Grayson as an old friend of Dick’s from the circus days.  Honestly, I didn’t think much of it at the time because I wasn’t into DC at all then, but it was C/C and by an author who had written other things I’d liked.  I liked the fic, though, and always sort of remembered it vaguely.  Some years later, I was needing a distraction from life (for reasons) when a writer I admire and follow cast about looking for a beta for a 60k Jay/Dick fic. For those of you who might not be aware, Jay/Dick is a significant pairing in the DCU (the tag has the most fic in the DCU and Batman fandoms ao3). Anyway, I spent a couple months with that fic and that got me interested in more Dick Grayson fic, in particular. And then one day, it hit me like a bolt of lightning: Dick and Clint both grew up in the circus and there’s so much potential there for crossover fic!  I checked out the tag and there were only 8 fic with the pairing. Eight! A travesty! From there, I just started thinking about it, a lot. Like, really a lot. 

I toyed with them at the same circus, but their respective circuses are so well entrenched in canon that I decided I didn’t want to do that.  And for reasons I won’t get into, I was aware that circuses used to winter over in Florida, and I thought, oh, wow, wouldn’t that be great fodder for angst, to have them coming in and out of each others’ lives every year, have their relationship grow, but then have to LEAVE each other year after year.  Mmm, yummy angst! 🤤 Thus Winter Quarters was born!

Mmm, what else… well, I think Clint and Dick work well together for the same reason that Clint and Phil work together: it’s the yin and yang.  While they both grew up in the circus, Dick’s early life was vastly different from Clint’s. His family was loving and stable and his parents were kind and supportive and encouraging. Just the opposite of Clint’s.  I enjoyed writing Dick’s slow realization that Clint’s life was nothing like his own.  Dick’s life wasn’t sheltered, exactly (I mean, he did grow up in a traveling circus), but because his parents protected him, he never really faced head-on the kind of horror and trauma that Clint experienced regularly. Because he couldn’t recognize it for what it was, it takes him a long time to understand what’s going on with Clint.

And if Clint had anything to say about it, he never would have learned about it.  I see them both as very protective of the other (which is why they both make excellent super heroes), with Dick, once he learns what Clint’s going through, he wants to save him from it. Whereas Clint sees Dick as this sort of, unmarred shining star, doesn’t ever want to expose Dick to the darkness in his life—from Clint’s perspective, he’s afraid he’s going to…sully Dick, and he doesn’t want to do that.

In truth, I wasn’t super well informed about Dick Grayson when I started writing this.  I had to sheepishly ask a few people on tumblr if they could give me, like, Dick’s baseline personality traits. Those I asked were very kind and gave me enough to go on and pointed me toward a few essential Robin/Nightwing comics so I could get my start.  One of them said something about Dick and his ‘dad jokes’ which is the entire reason I inserted all those dumb jokes in there.  I spent a stupid amount of time googling ‘dad jokes’ and puns to try to find a handful that would fit into the story line. In the end though, I kind of liked how they worked into the narrative.

The hardest thing about this fic for me, I think, was writing with a young boy’s voice. I never was one, I never had bothers, and my kids are girls, so I was pretty insecure about how authentic they sounded. I still am, if I’m honest. But I suppose there’s a universalness to the teenage experience, regardless of what your gender is, so hopefully I wasn’t too far off the mark.

In all honesty, I didn’t think anyone would be interested in this crossover—it genuinely was one of those situations when they say you have to write for yourself and not other people—so the response the fic has gotten has 100% blown me away. But it makes me super happy and I hope it will inspire more people to write some Clint/Dick!  In the meantime, I continue to think about Part 2 on a daily basis and I’ll get there eventually, if for no other reason then that I have already written the denouement and I really like it so I want to write everything that leads up to it so I can post it! 😅

Thanks for the ask, drgrlfriend!

Fanfic Writers' Director's Cut ask game.

[unknown-internet]

Hate is a Strong Word

Do you hate me?

Those four words you asked me regularly

I always wondered why you kept asking

now I wish I didn't know the answer.

It's weird when you can see the red flags even when wearing rose-colored glasses

I always took them off just to make sure they were red

and they were.

My friends saw right through you

and told me that in the woods they heard your name

and not good words were spoken

they said that you have had a record of carrying these red flags

and they warned me that it wasn't that long ago

to be careful because these red flags are not placed on the ground

but rather straight to the heart.

You made me believe that it wasn't that long ago

that it was old news which basically meant it never truly existed

but if they truly never existed why are you tripping over the words being told before you

and asking me why my friends are good people for telling me this information.

It's like you don't see your own trauma lingering right behind you whenever you talk to me

I catch you at every corner making sure you see where your discreet lies

telling you that you can't run away from them because I am here to call out on your bullshit

you talk to me like I won't find out about the things you do

and as if I'm stupid to find out what you hide in those woods.

I have six eyes surrounding my head

I have twenty ears open all around my space

and you think that I won't find out something you said five years ago

I don't even try to find this information

the Universe presents it to me because she knows and hears everything in between

especially the ones you keep to yourself late at night.

Do you hate me?

That is a strong word

I don’t like using that word

to describe something that has done be wrong

I think I am past that

I am beyond you to even think of such words

But you asking me was a sign of you

Understanding that everything you did

Every word you said

Every action you did

Hurt me and you knew that

That’s why you asked me.

I didn’t say it then but I’ll say it now

I am past that

I am beyond that

You are not someone I think about in the mornings

Nor do I wish for you to come back

I am past that

I am beyond that

I want you out of my life forever

Never think of me

As I never think of you.

We will call it even

And say this never ever happened

If you just stay away from me

And never ask me if I hate you.

[spacecadetspe]

Oct. 27, 2023

I hit another trigger today. It was small. Innocuous. And when it hit me, I went into a panic as if I'd been stung by a wasp.

Even rereading the message my colleague sent me sends tremors through me. I'm not altogether certain what has gotten into me.

I'll try to relate it here.

In my work, I use a system called Microsoft EBS. It's a shitty system, and most of my coworkers recognize that. It keeps track of thousands of clients, as well as any work that my company performs for them. Some companies require us to have or obtain a purchase order prior to either dispatching a technician or completing work. There's apparently a list. The colleague that emailed me is the one primarily responsible for attaching purchase orders to work orders.

Here's where it gets dicey. That list of companies that requires purchase orders is not up to date. So about 50% of the time, I get a pop-up regarding a purchase order for a company that doesn't actually need me to get one. My boss just says to ignore it and create the work order anyway, because POs are that colleague's job.

She's asked me once already to obtain certain purchase orders prior to having work done, but I can't possibly keep up with which companies this applies to and which companies it doesn't apply to, and EBS is no help at all.

She asked me about another such work order today; did I obtain a PO prior to dispatch or not? No, I didn't. And my boss (for the most part) will back me up and say I had no way of knowing whether or not I actually needed one, because nobody has bothered to update EBS to a point where that function (the informative pop-ups) actually works as intended.

So I went outside and tried as best I could to EMDR my way out of a trauma response. I'm still shaky, and I don't like it, but I'm here trying to figure it out for myself.

What was it that caused the trigger? Conflicting information.

And why was this triggering? Because I'm used to being fed conflicting information. It's why I don't trust myself or my own judgment.

Are you afraid of being gaslit again? Yes. Absolutely yes.

You know these people won't do that to you/ aren't able to do that to you again, don't you? Not really. As much as I adore working here, and love my coworkers, I don't trust that I won't be presented with conflicting information regularly.

Are you afraid of losing your job? It's not an immediate fear, no. It's there in the distant background, but that's not what makes me tear up.

Are you afraid you aren't good enough? Yes. I'm afraid that if I screw up enough times they (my company) will stop seeing value in me, even if I'm still in the learning process.

You know that's on them, not you, right? I can rationalize that bit in my head, but I'm not so certain I can process it.

Here's where I think it for the first time in awhile: I want Phobetor.

You can't always be using him as a crutch. I know.

I try to picture my favorite place: Fortitude's arms wrapped around me, nestled against his soft, dark chest. "It's okay, Babe. It's going to be okay."

It's the phrase I always say; the thing I most desperately want to believe. And this is the man who will believe me over anyone else.

I don't want to call on him, or Phobetor... not when I've been shut down before for this very thing; having trauma responses that nobody can seem to fix. Nobody but me.

I chase the feeling down my body. It starts in my throat, screaming "I want to go home!" No, we're not running from this anymore. It balls up in my stomach, angry and defensive. No, we're not fighting either. We're going to have a conversation; get to the bottom of this once and for all. It settles, a wide sling of emotions from my left hip to the right side of my ribs.

What do you want? I want to go home. No, what do you really want?

I want someone to fucking trust me!

... I don't want to be the one who has to come up with excuses for making a judgment call based on conflicting information, when I literally have the least seniority to do so, and the duty has just been pushed into my lap with the expectation that I deal with it. If it is suddenly my job to make that call, then I don't want my judgment called into question when I'm doing the best I can with limited knowledge of the situation.

X did this often. I hated it. My dad did it. I hated it. And I get it, I was a stupid, naive, reckless kid. But there is a way to advise and support without belittling or gaslighting.

My colleague did literally nothing wrong. She's just doing her job.

Dear gods, I really have a long way to go...

My pulse has come back down now. I'll try to work more on this trigger.

[qingzhouxi]

Introduction

Blog Post #1 Preliminary Drafting: February 20, 2023 Blog Draft Created: March 19, 2023 Blog Posted: March 19, 2023

Hey everyone! Please welcome me and treat me well as this is my first time blogging. Anyhow, to give a background, I am currently 18 years old and my pronouns are he/they. For the sake of retaining privacy, I will not divulge any other potentially sensitive information. For those who do not know what nickname I go by, you can simply call me "zhou." Anyhow, let's get started.

As this is my first time blogging, it would only be proper for me to introduce myself but since I want to retain my privacy, I would instead introduce my personality and relevant information, starting from childhood I guess, so that you may use that information as a means to determine why I behave or think a certain way.

A. Prepubescence

For starters, I grew up in a relatively rural area, although looking at it right now, in my 14 years living here, it has developed quite a lot and based on my research, it was supposed to be a city and is qualified to be one. I remember back then, I was always just thinking of how I wanted to spend my day, be it playing with my friends, watching some television shows, answering my assignments, or just doing MY regular day-to-day activities. I also started liking science and mathematics around this time, although I must say that back when I was still at preparatory school, I already used to ace both subjects, just that they do not really seem to pique my interest. Safe to say, it was always these two subjects that were running around inside my head. Proof? I always watch science videos before and after school, so much so that I watch them first before doing my assignments. I must also mention here that I had problems with anger management, although this is more of a problem of incorrect expression rather than just the plain inability to manage anger. Of course, I did have my eyes on the far-flung future but, to me, its concept seems to be one that will arrive after the next 30 years or so. Alas, I was wrong, puberty arrived faster than I expected it, perhaps due to my ignorance.

B. Puberty and Adolescence

Puberty was well-timed (it's arguable, though) for me, in that it arrived during my 8th grade, a time when I was already done coping with the elementary-high school transition and have already successfully adjusted and assimilated. It was particularly harder for me to adjust given that I came from a private and more relaxed elementary school and started studying in a public and more pressured environment, especially considering the school has an elevated prestige due to its name. I also met my first, long-time best friend here and thankfully, that best friend is still with me, although we do not regularly talk nowadays due to conflicting class schedules. Fast forward to my 10th grade vacation, it was very chaotic considering the fact that this was the first time I was in a mutual understanding (colloquially tagged as M.U), ending with me experiencing mental trauma due to my then-partner having self-harmed and me attempting to contact my then-partner more than 70 times due to concern about a potential episode of self-harm. This was repeated again the next year around the same timeframe, although this time was worse because my then-partner ended up not liking me at all, while I tried to come to terms with the list of the misdeeds of my then-partner to many people, myself included, getting no closure whatsoever, making the problem worse. Set in the pandemic, the problem just became ten times worse given that I do not have a lot of people to rely on and those who I can rely on also had decreased tolerance to hearing other people's personal problems and challenges. Due to that, I tended to keep things to myself in order to preserve what little sanity I had left within me. You can only imagine how mentally unstable I was during this time period, especially during the middle years (around 10th or 11th grade). After those stressful times, there were no other times that I was stressed just as much until I turned 18 years old.

C. Postpubescence

While I probably won't immediately know when my adolescence will stop until months or years after it actually stops, I am almost entirely sure it has stopped due to the stability of mind I have right now. My emotions are also always under control now, although obviously, I experience slip-ups here and there when the situation becomes too stressful for me to handle. I still have quite a lot to learn about the human mind, and my inexperience in dealing with many things such as documented cases of mental and physiological health problems helps prove my point. That being said, I already have quite a lot of experience consoling people and listening to them when they need someone who can listen to them, although the things I do are based merely on what I think would work and not what other people think would work since I do not often if at all, browse psychology articles aside from personality test-related articles or webpages. Overall, before starting to take the Psych 101 class, I have a lot of experiences, the relevance of which is arbitrary, although I think they may be, in one way or another, helpful in enhancing my experience during and after taking the Psych 101 class.

Appendix/Outline

So hello, I guess I'll just write this draft as a means to dictate what concepts will be included in my main post, so yes, the following are the ideas that I plan to have in my post as well as the elaboration I do plan to include:

Me as a pre-pubescent person - mentality-wise (regular activities, anger problems, fascination with science and mathematics)

Time of Puberty/Adolescence + changes in mentality (instability in mind, life event-related emotional, mental, and physiological disturbances, in the context of the pandemic)

Post-puberty (or more precisely, after I turned 18) - preps for college, college life, research-induced stress, transition-induced stress

Word Count: ~1015

[crowsmybeloveds]

Shadow and Bone Series: Chapter Two

In Cold Blood

Pairing: Jesper Fahey x Reader

Summary: The Crows continue to visit Y/N at the Emerald Palace, and make some interesting developments.

Word Count: 4.8k

Warnings: Implied suicide (don’t take it too seriously hint hint); abuse; Pekka Rollins; again canon typical violence/slave stuff (this time it’s described more, but again nothing graphic); the Menagerie;

A/N: Thank you so much if you liked the first chapter!!! This one is a little longer and I promise the end isn’t as bad as it might seem.

Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~

Jesper Fahey liked to do his own thing. Sure, as a member of the Dregs he had to listen to his boss and go on jobs, but he loved his free time in between. Hence, he often avoided going on little arends for Kaz at all costs. It would be a waste of his time.

Jesper Fahey was now talking to Kaz. Volunteering for an arend. For the fourth time this week.

Kaz, Inej, and Jesper had been visiting the girl in the basement regularly since their first meeting with her. Kaz chalked it up to business, the girl and her potions were powerful assets, but the other two would admit they had found a new friend.

There were rules to these visits. First, only go during the day. Even if it seemed counterintuitive to sneak there in the broad daylight, Y/N insisted she would be unavailable in the night, as that was when her “work” was done. Also, if you are there, you must hide well behind the crates, and remain armed. You were lucky every time you made it out of there alive.

It was a daunting task, but Jesper was always up for it.

“You’re going to go there again?” Kaz asked him, eyebrows raised, “You know it’s Inej’s turn, correct?”

“Yes, and I also don’t care,” Jesper answered, “Also, she probably has things to see, people to do, and whatnot. I, on the other hand, have my whole day cleared. And I couldn’t deprive the lovely basement girl of this face.” He smiled, pointing to himself, “I mean, come on.”

Kaz stared at him, seeing through his antics in a minute. Jesper had taken a liking to the girl. What will happen the day he visits to find she’s not there anymore? Kaz thought. His hopes are too high.

“Fine, Jesper,” He agreed, “but be careful not to draw attention.” He scrunched his nose. “Do your best not to dawdle.”

“Right, I’m off then!” Jesper exclaimed as he clapped his hands together and ran off.

“I’m going tomorrow!” Kaz shouted after him.

The sharpshooter knew his boss was suspicious of his actions, but in all honesty he didn’t care. Normally he would have thought there wasn’t much spending time with her could do, as she had told him many of the same things over and over. That must have meant she had told him all that she knew. But Jesper was not going for information, he was going to be with her. He liked to think they were friends.

Jesper was often distracted. Whether he saw a pretty person to flirt with or a table to gamble at, he always found a way to not be doing whatever he was supposed to. Everything around him was so appealing and stimulating, especially in the Barrel. Even so, he sped down the streets without a single double take or second thought as he headed to the Emerald Palace. He really wanted to see her. So bad it was addicting. At first he thought that maybe the girl was drugging him, seeing as that is her particular expertise, but soon he realized that he just liked her. She was funny, and she laughed at all his jokes. She was also so intriguing. So powerful yet rendered powerless. He was enchanted, but he knew something was missing. It seemed it wasn’t her fault. He wanted to help.

That day when he arrived at the window (after making sure no one could see him, of course) Jesper saw Y/N sitting against the wall with her legs hugged to her chest. He called her name softly, and waited for her to reply. She didn’t reply, or even move. Against his better judgement, he shouted louder, risking being discovered by one of Pekka’s crew. He didn’t care. He banged the windows. Praying she would say something. Or turn her head. Or nod. Anything. She didn’t. A single tear rolled down her face.

Y/N had been sitting there for three hours. There wasn’t much to be said about what had happened. Only that she did not remember, whether her loss of memory was intentional or not. It was an off day, that’s all.

Jesper was panicking. He had no idea how to get her to wake up. That is, if she was asleep. Truthfully, he did not know what was wrong with her or what to do. Unfortunately, his noise making had roused a different group of people. Jesper had to run down the alley as he heard shouts coming his direction. He ran the rest of the way home, still in shock. He was not haunted by his near escape with the Dime Lions, but the look on the girl’s face. What had they done to her?

“And she didn’t move at all?” Inej asked. Jesper had just explained to her what happened after he showed up to her room at the Slat. She hadn’t appreciated being woken up from one of her rare naps, but she didn’t complain when she saw the look on his face.

“Not that I could see,” he replied, shaking his head, “Inej, I swear she could hear me.”

Inej did not know what to say. This kind of behavior was not usual for Jesper. He had his normal amount of energy, but it was not often it was all directed to one place: worry. It was odd that something upset him and he did not distract from it by going to gamble or making a joke.

“I just, if it were you I’d understand, but who could ignore me?” he said, “Going unnoticed is not a Jesper talent.”

There it was.

“You’re deflecting” She called him out, “It’s not funny. We should tell Kaz.”

“That's not funny,” Jesper replied, “what is Kaz gonna do? Tell us to stop talking to her?”

Inej sighed. It’s possible that he would advise that. But he also wouldn’t just let Pekka Rollins keep his most dangerous weapon. Especially not when she didn’t seem to have much loyalty. She had told Inej so many times. The girls had a bond due to the Menagerie, and Y/N told her much about her past and present. She explained different chemicals she had made and plans she had heard to Kaz. But with Inej, she explained how she felt about them.

Y/N hated every second in that basement. She had told Inej as much. Repeatedly. But she was rather scatterbrained. She repeated herself often and forgot things that she had already been told. She would forget what day it was and what she had done the night before. Inej had experience with trauma and sleep deprivation enough to shrug this off. She didn’t want to cause her friend anguish by questioning it.

The incident Jesper was describing made her think that maybe she should. Y/N was smart. Hell, she was a self taught Grisha fabrikator. So good, she could kill people from miles away. How could she be so forgetful? Someone so scientifically gifted must have a better mind than that. Someone must have been messing with it.

After some convincing to Jesper that Kaz would not kill or give up on Y/N, the pair made their way to their boss’s office.

“I was waiting for this to happen,” was Kaz’s response.

“What, that’s it?” Jesper raised his voice, “You have nothing else to say?”

Kaz glared at him from his desk. “I don’t know that you thought through your attachment to her, Jesper. You should never have assumed she was on our side.”

Jesper stared bullets at his boss in front of them. They seriously weren’t going to help her at all? She needed to get out of there, he knew that for certain. If it wasn’t because he cared about her then it should be because she is an asset. A good investment. Saints, he hated calling her that.

He didn’t say any of this, however, and instead started to walk out of the office. Just before he was out the door, he heard Brekker speak up.

“I’ll go and see her tomorrow.”

When Kaz Brekker reached the girl’s window, he gave it exactly seven taps with his cane, with a very specific beat. It was a signal he had made with Y/N so that she knew to open the window and talk to him without him having to raise his voice.

The girl turned toward the window at the sound. She set down the bottle she was currently working on and walked over. Kaz started speaking as soon as it was opened.

“How long have they been drugging you?”

Y/N scoffed, “Hello to you, too!”

“How long?”

“Um, never?” She replied, getting confused. “They don’t drug me with anything. I’d notice. That’s kind of my job description.”

Kaz looked to the side, thinking. The only way to explain her odd behavior, forgetfulness, and calmness in her position was that she was being manipulated. And because she was constantly making poisons and “potions” for Pekka, it made sense that she was being given her own drugs without her knowledge. He had thought this since he’d met her. She had to be on some sort of relaxers when he first saw her. Why else would she have so willingly opened the window for strangers?

“Why did you ignore Jesper when he was here yesterday?” He asked, hoping to get the information from her in a more roundabout way.

“I didn’t?” Y/N asked, “Inej was here yesterday, she got those vials of knockout gas you asked for.”

Kaz squinted at her, “Y/N, that was two days ago.”

She shook her head, “No, no, because I was working on those just yesterday and I just finished them when she stopped by. I haven’t seen Jesper in a couple of days, Kaz. Are you feeling ok?”

Kaz wasn’t sure how to react to this. She had missed the whole day? He was sure things like this had been going on this whole time, but never in the month since they began speaking with her has she forgotten a whole day. She had to have taken something.

“Are you self medicating?”

“No! Why- what are you talking about? What is going on?”

“Y/N, Jesper came here yesterday and you were sitting in that corner near catatonic. You wouldn’t speak or even move.” Kaz informed her.

“He must not have shouted loud enough, I was probably asleep.”

“You normally sleep with your eyes open?” He is tone was sharp. “Jesper said you were crying.”

She didn’t respond. She was shocked out of her mind. It was possible Kaz was lying to her to get some sort of information out of her, but it didn’t seem that way. He looked uneasy, the kind of unease that comes from not knowing something. He was a very smart man, and when something did not make sense to him he got nervous. So, this must have actually happened. And if she could not remember it, something was terribly wrong.

“I’m sorry, Kaz. I just don’t remember.”

“Fine. Then I need you to stop eating the food they give you. I’ll have Inej stop by with something to eat during the day.” Kaz paused, thinking. “And I would like to get you out of here, and have you join the Dregs. I just have to figure out how.”

“No, Kaz. I can’t leave.”

“Why? You have loyalties to Pekka Rollins?” He asked, anger clear in his voice.

Do I? She thought. While she knew his treatment of her was unfair, she wondered whether or not she still cared about him. In her time at the Emerald Palace, Pekka had told her many things about how he was the only one who would ever care for her. He claimed that he had saved her from the Menagerie, and he was taking care of her because he loved her. He also said that he would help her find her sister, often claiming that the potions Y/N was making was helping him follow leads about her.

When he started bringing men down into Y/N’s room, she was only a teenager. The first man that had ever touched her in that room also told her information about upcoming trips, which Pekka used to choose the perfect time to rob his house. Y/N felt disgusting in her skin ever since, but Pekka reassured her. I’m sorry , canary. I’ll protect you. Those men are not like me. While any sane person would call giving her food and shelter supplying her basic needs, Pekka called it courtesy. A gift because he loved her. A gift that could be taken away. He let men take advantage of her just so she could get him information, and then called it love. And she believed him. Until one day.

A man had come down into her room, which was usual for her on any given night. However, this man started out rough and stayed that way for the rest of his visit. She had tried her best with past men to get as much information as she could through simple flirting and drugging, but he was not there for small talk. For a brief moment, she considered saying no. In the moment following, she remembered what happened the other times she had done so.

She didn’t get any of the information she had been asked to draw from the man. Pekka was livid. The argument following had been explosive and painful. Not just emotionally.

“This isn’t love.” She tried to say it in a firm voice, but it came out broken and weak.

“How could you possibly know?” Pekka replied.

“Because you don’t deny it.” She said, summoning the strength to look up at him. “The men who come down here sometimes mention their wives. They might not be the pinnacle of married men, but I know they would never do this. This is bad for me.”

“Oh, is it so bad for you?” He raised his voice. “And who is going to treat you better, hm? Who out there would possibly care about you like I do?”

She turned her back to him. She sniffled as she cleaned up her worktable, silently hoping he would just leave.

He grabbed her arm, whipping her around to face him. “I don’t care if you hate me. You will stay here because of Anais. You will stay because you need me.”

The memory was scarring.

Kaz watched as Y/N got lost in her own thoughts. His voice startled her out of her memories. “Y/N, do you have loyalties to him?”

“My sister, Anais.” She breathed. “He is helping me find my sister.”

“Is that all?”

She shook her head. “You don’t understand. I need to find her. Have you ever had any siblings?”

Kaz paused for a moment. The comment seemed to toy with him. “No.”

“Then you don’t get it. I want to be with people I belong with. To figure out where I’m from.” She sighed. “Pekka is helping me with that.”

“And he has proven that he is actually doing so?”

“He said that he knew she was involved with the slavers who took me away. He is getting in with them to try and figure out where they took her.”

“Y/N, I don’t think he is actually doing that.” Kaz said, shaking his head. “This is your reason for staying?”

“And I have nowhere else to go!”

Kaz took a deep breath. He had decided what he was going to do for the girl since the day he met her. She was an asset. With her power he could complete jobs and gain kruge with record speed. Not to mention, if Kaz had her on his side, Pekka didn’t. The sweet taste of revenge covered his tongue just at the thought.

“I have an offer,” he began, “You come with me. Not now, but soon. I’ll come everyday to ask questions and we’ll plan your escape. In the meantime, you gather your things discreetly and try to find as much dirt on Rollins as you can.”

“But my sister -“

“If you are a part of the Dregs, you will help when asked, but the rest of your time is yours. Look for your sister, gamble your money away, take up baking, — I don’t care. You’ll be free.”

The offer was good. Great, actually. So why was she hesitating? Was Pekka’s manipulation really enough to make her turn away an opportunity like this? I don’t know.

And what about Kaz? Could she really trust him? The man wanted her for her powers, too. How was he different from Pekka? In her limited experience, he wasn’t. I should stay.

But Jesper. In the short while she had known him, Jesper had become her favorite part of being alive. And Inej, who was the kindest soul she had ever encountered. If they were with Kaz, he couldn’t be the demon he tried to be. At least not like Pekka. I should go. I should have gone a long time ago.

“Deal.”

In the weeks following, Kaz came every day to discuss every aspect of the Emerald Palace with her, in the hopes that he could get her out. Getting her out of the building would be simple, but keeping her from being hunted by the Dime Lions for the rest of her days would be complicated. The plan would have to be completely airtight, so Kaz needed time.

A few days later, Jesper was at the window speaking with her. The other members of the dregs would often visit along with Kaz and stay to talk to her, or they might come in his place. Today, after describing her entire tailoring process to Kaz, Y/N was speaking to Jesper about music.

“It’s like this huge golden machine made by Fabrikators, right?” Y/N smiled as she excitedly spoke. “And you take this small disc, place it on the machine and put the needle on it, and then music comes out!”

Jesper grinned at her. He loved the way she looked when she was excited about something. “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen one before.”

“Well, it’s wonderful,” she sighed, “Not to mention there’s thousands of the disc things, and each one is a different song. I wish more people had them than just the rich men who can afford it. I mean I wish I could have one.”

The two had been known to discuss things that had nothing to do with her escape, which Kaz had scolded them for plenty of times. But they enjoyed talking to each other, and they often got distracted. Odd topics of discussion were bound to happen whether they liked it or not. However, when Jesper realized that they had strayed from their original reason for speaking, he redirected the conversation.

“So, you get tailored nearly everyday?”

“Well, whenever anyone comes to see me. Only Pekka knows what I really look like. And you and your friends. Maybe it's a security thing.” She told him, thinking as she spoke. “Also, if anyone sees me who isn’t supposed to, I’m meant to drug them so they forget. Pekka really just does not want anyone knowing I’m here. Some bastard might try to steal me away.”

Jesper smirked at her. “I cannot imagine who would ever do something like that.”

Visits were going relatively well. Kaz had nearly enough information to finalize his plan for her escape, so he visited less and less. Y/N was becoming a solid member of the Crows even though she had so little time with them. She matched Jesper’s humor, built trust with Inej, and had a shared anger for Pekka with Kaz.

Today was Inej’s day to go visit Y/N, and she was running rather late. She knew the girl had mentioned not to visit after the sun went down, but Inej had been busy all day and could only find time to make it to the window after dark. When she got there, however, she realized why Y/N had made the warning.

When she looked through the window, she noticed that Y/N was not alone. When she looked closer, she realized Y/N was with Pekka Rollins. Luckily, Inej was the Wraith, she could watch what happened next without being seen.

“I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to eat your dinner,” She heard Rollins speak first, in the most condescending tone she had ever heard. “Not after I worked so hard to get your favorite.”

Y/N sat on her cot, avoiding eye contact. “Not hungry.”

Rollins grabbed her by the jaw roughly, forcing her to look at him. Inej noticed tears shining in Y/N’s eyes. “Not hungry, hm? We both know that’s not true.” He laughed, with a terrifying lack of humor behind it. “Why are you lying to me, canary?”

The girl shook her head as the tears fell down her face.

“Your tears will do you no good.” Rollins snarled. “Do not forget what you are.” He paused, raising a brow. “What are you?”

The girl sniffled and didn’t respond.

“What are you?” He shouted and raised his voice this time, causing her to shake.

“A canary.” She whispered out.

“Good, and if I give you a song...”

He raised her chin higher, prompting her to finish his words. “I sing it.” The words fell from her lips like something rehearsed, but unbearably painful.

He gave a tight lipped smile. “Right. Don’t forget it again.” He sat down next to her and handed her the plate she had sat on the table beside her. “Now you eat and I’ll tell you about the man who is coming here tonight.”

Inej felt like she was going to throw up as she travelled the rooftops of Ketterdam back to the Crow Club. She knew Y/N was being mistreated at the Emerald Palace, but seeing it take place was something entirely apart.

As she walked in the doors of the club she felt a presence beside her. She looked over to see Jesper walking with her. He must have been guarding the door. He was waiting to ask a question.

“Yes, Jesper, I went to see her.” Inej spoke to him, her voice rough.

“And?”

“And Pekka Rollins was there.”

Jesper stopped in his tracks. “Saints, is she ok? Are you?”

“I’m fine,” Inej assured, “But I’m not sure about Y/N. He is anything but gentle with her. And he forced her to eat the dinner he gave her. I don’t think she’s gonna be able to avoid the drugs they give her anymore. If only she could remember to take an antidote before her mind goes.”

“Shit, we need to get her out of there, soon.”

The pair once again went to Kaz to discuss the girl, only to find him at his desk, writing furiously with two bottles in front of him.

“Kaz, Inej -“ Jesper was cut off.

“She told me how she’s been killing all those people.” Kaz stared at the bottle in front of him, observing it scientifically.

Inej and Jesper looked at each other before looking back at their boss. What was he on about?

“I don’t understand.” Inej had a confused look on her face as she tried her best to make eye contact with Kaz. She wanted to try and read him like she knew she could, but right now the man in front of her was like a blank page.

“Y/N. She gives them a liquid of her own design, but it isn’t poisonous,” He kept his eyes trained on his work, “At least not until she makes it poisonous. She can give someone poison hours in advance but it kills them right at the perfect moment. Right when she can get away. And, once they are dead, she can change it back to something nontoxic. It’s flawless: not a single trace is left.”

“Great, boss,” Jesper said, growing impatient. “Can we talk about why we are here?”

Kaz frowned, “What, because you want to get Y/N out sooner? She’s in a terrible situation?”

“Exactly,” Inej pleaded.

“If I tried to save everyone in the Barrel I’d be broke by dawn.” Kaz said, looking back at his work. Inej and Jesper stood there in shock. “If you don’t have anything else to say…”

Inej placed a hand up to keep Jesper from exploding. “Kaz, you told us that you would help her escape.”

“I needed information, Wraith, you wouldn’t help me if I told the truth.”

Jesper spoke up, “So you lied to us? And what did you tell her?”

“Nothing. She’s prepared to leave the Emerald Palace tonight.” Kaz tsked. “I doubt she’ll make it two feet out the building without our help. Solves all of my problems.”

Without another word, Inej slipped out of the room, leaving the boys to fight. Through the walls, she heard muffled shouting.

“How could you? You act like you have nothing you believe in but really you are so terrible that you’ve made yourself your own Saint!” Jespers voice was desperate, filled with rage. The betrayal he felt was clear even though he was muffled. He sniffed. “Put too much faith in that saint and he’ll kill your friends.”

Inej cringed, hating the harsh truths her friend was sending toward her boss. She had always known partnership with Kaz would mean conflict, but it also meant freedom. She and Jesper often commented on their cold-hearted boss. “We are both too good for him.” Jesper would laugh as he said it, but now it seemed to be a reason to leave. But where would they go? When it came to Kaz Brekker, no one was better, and no one was worse.

One thing was for certain, Inej was not going to let her friend die. She had just pulled Y/N up from the grave, and she’d be damned if she let Kaz Brekker push her back in. If he was so certain the girl would be dead by tomorrow, she’d get to her before then. She didn’t have time for Kaz’s lectures and Jesper’s shouting. There was a life at stake. She begged the Saints to help her, but deep down she knew that this was up to her and her knives. If Inej couldn’t save Y/N, the Wraith would.

When she reached the Emerald Palace, a nauseous feeling spread throughout her stomach. She willed her hands to stop shaking, but the tremor remained. She reached the window after carefully checking her surroundings and gasped at what she saw. Nothing remained in Y/N’s room but a white letter and dark ash, both standing out against the gray stone floor. Inej frowned in confusion. So, she is gone. Where could she be?

Y/N was a smart girl, she could be out of Ketterdam by now. However, she had barely had any human contact and had been drugged and manipulated for years. If she was not already found by Pekka Rollins, she could have already been killed on the street. But no one knew who she was, and only Pekka and the Crows knew what she truly looked like. She had become one huge question.

Suddenly, Inej remembered something.. Specifically, a conversation she had with Y/N not long ago.

Inej, this might be the worst thing I’ve ever made. She had said, a fire in her eyes.

Then why are you smiling? Inej replied.

Look! Y/N had pulled a thin glass bottle of a swirling liquid and a small flower out from behind her back. She then poured a drop of the bottle on the flower, which disintegrated into a pile of ash within seconds.

Saints. Inej was amazed.

Wild, huh? Footsteps came from the stairwell in the corner of the room. Shit. Inej, go. Inej hesitated. Go! He’ll see you!

Now, looking at the large pile of ash on the floor of the room, Inej realized what had happened.

“Saints,” She whispered, tears forming in her eyes. “She’s drunk it.”

She heard footsteps approaching in the alley, and immediately grabbed two of her knives, ready to protect herself.

“Easy,” Jesper appeared, holding his hands out toward her. “It’s just me.”

Inej lowered her knives as she stared back at him. “We’re too late, Jes. She’s gone.”

He laughed, nervous. “No, she wouldn’t.” He lowered himself down to the window. “No.”

Inej stood up and looked up at the stars, praying to any Saint that she could think of that she wasn’t dead. That her friend was out there somewhere. Alive. “Jesper, we need to get out of here.”

“But,” Jesper paused, his voice weak. “She was just here.”

“She’s not anymore.” Inej looked at him with pity. She could tell how much the girl had meant to him. “I’m sorry.”

“She was just here.” He repeated, voice cracks littering his words.

Inej grabbed his hand, forcing him out of this frozen state. “I know, Jes. I’m sorry.”

[pensoluv]

𝑁𝑒𝑤 𝐶ℎ𝑖𝑙𝑑𝑒 𝐴𝑈!

TW: mentions of trauma, family, revenge, hell, and rage/violence/bloodshed. Be careful, precious readers. Don’t force read it if you’re not doing well mentally, or are easily disturbed in general.

There might also be a bit of spoilers for Omori’s plot, so feel free to skip this if you’d rather wait until you’re fully ready or in the know.

Childe would absolutely eventually try to find where the Teyvat’s equivalent of hell is,

after learning about it,

after Zhongli told him about it,

after losing a bet and forming a contract to answer Childe’s weird questions.

This information would come in handy, if/when a foolish, now-dead enemy traumatises his family, just because they are related to a Fatui Harbinger, in this AU.

I can see him going to extreme lengths to further avenge his family, in the heat of his boiling anger.

No one messes with his family, and him not being there for his family, because of his Fatui duties and position, really messed his head up.

And so begins him painting a bloody path until he reaches his goal. To slay the person who did his family dirty. As he would have done for his family, if it wasn’t already too late when he arrived.

He’ll still have to help himself and his family to triumph over their inner demons though.

You get to attempt to help him, as his comrade/friend/f/o. You’re able to play a part in their healing processes.

It’ll take a lot of time, and a lot of effort from both sides though.

It’s because he and his family would still be stuck in their own head, reliving everything, for a long while. Trauma isn’t automatically erased after revenge.

Thus the headspace lore/game. As well as you being in the real Genshin world doing tasks while they deal with the first few things. By doing tasks regularly, you might be able to be there for them, if not entirely able to help.

The fighting-inner demons part (in their heads) would be more ‘peaceful’, in a way, as ‘peaceful’ as how you’d fight little sprout moles and the bosses in Omori. It’d be different from the Doomslayer mode Childe could end up being in, in this Genshin Alternate Universe.

P.S. Think of it as Omori x Doom x Genshin!

As you can see, I’ve been thinking about how Childe could possibly get triggered into more trauma in an AU, and how he’d snap, since he’s powerful in combat and survived a lot for the sake of his family.

I’ve also been rewatching a lot of playthroughs and AUs of Omori, which sparked the idea of Childe dealing with temporary peace and such. Family also comes into play in Childe’s character a lot, so it works in my book.

(Omori is Omocat’s indie video game, which has similar effects on you with DDLC, as you progress into the different paths and endings.)

[vkelleyart]

Thoughts on fandom: inclusion and engagement.

(Art credit to the kindhearted @penpanoply​!)

There’s been some stuff floating around on Tumblr about strife in the CO/WS fandom, and though I haven’t been explicitly named-dropped on anything public, my DMs have been... active. lol Rather than rehash what’s been said already, I just want to impart a little wisdom and perspective in the hopes it may soothe frayed feelings and offer a way ahead for cultivating a respectful community. As someone who has been an active participant in online fandoms since the mid-’90s, which was the advent of online fandom content creation (shout out to my fellow X-Philes!), and who has also spent a chunk of her professional life managing social media for the federal government and for activist groups, I can promise you it’s all gonna be okay.

Here’s some context for why strife happens and what we can do to create a more inclusive and communicative fandom environment. 

1) It sounds cliché, but fandoms go through growing pains. 

In the case of the Simon Snow fandom, what was once a small and cozy space untouched by cataclysmic events (such as the release of *gasp* a sequel) has grown exponentially in a relatively short amount of time following the release of Wayward Son. Newcomers are eager to find a home in this space at the same time as folks who’ve been here a while may be consciously or unconsciously wary about widening their circle, and It’s important to remember that this is not necessarily an expression of bad behavior on either side but just human psychology doing its thing. 

The byproduct, however, is that tension and stress builds over time from the lack of meaningful communication across the divide, which subsequently fuels misunderstandings. Ironically, the interfaces we use to communicate don’t help with this because any existing communication about the tension happens in tiny vacuums until a trigger goes off and bad feelings go public. 

Way Ahead: These moments of destabilization are opportunities to see where we can be more self aware about how we engage with fandom and the kind of community we want to be. Can you promote, support, or befriend someone trying to gain a foothold? If yes, please do! Each person must reach their own decision about what they can do within the confines of their available energy, health, and time, but a little self awareness goes a long way as long as you’re honest with yourself and others if applicable about what you can contribute. Anyone who judges you for it isn’t worth the strife.

2) In a fandom comprised of vulnerable/marginalized people, it’s more accurate to say that cliques are “bubbles of trust.”

This one's important. Just by nature of the source material, the CO/WS fandom includes fans with a wide array of backgrounds and experiences, especially when it comes to those who identify with the characters’ queerness, mental illness, and/or trauma. I really believe––based on individual conversations/group chats––that the difficult lived experiences that so many of our fandom peers have endured has produced one of the most open, aware, and accepting fandoms I’ve had the pleasure of participating in. Our vulnerability is, in a real way, our strength.

That said, a community of survivors also has the side effect of cultivating small circles of engagement that I call “bubbles of trust.” When you’re a survivor of abuse, marginalization, mental illness, fill-in-the-blank, it’s often quite hard to risk casting a wide net and expanding your circle to include new faces––which can subsequently be internalized by equally sensitive and vulnerable newcomers as rejection, judgement, or inadequacy.

Way Ahead: First of all, there may indeed be gatekeeping and exclusion going on. But before internalizing someone’s cagey behavior as gatekeeping or purposely exclusionary, ask yourself if you have all the information. Many people are private (I include myself in this assessment) because life has regrettably taught them to be this way, and so they may insulate themselves to a small group of people who have earned their trust. Some people might also triggered by certain content (case in point: smut triggers my anxiety) so they don’t engage with it. Others might have something in their pasts that define how they handle certain subjects (for example, a person of color should not be tone policed for getting angry when confronted with a racialized microagression, however accidental it was). You just don’t know what you don’t know. 

The solution here is to regularly check your privilege and ask questions in a private space if you sense you’re being treated unfairly by someone. If you go public with your grievances in hopes of mobilizing the mob, you may accidentally find yourself stepping into the role of the aggressor instead of the victim.

3) Social Media is not built to help you get engagement. It’s built to help itself make money off of you.

Repeat after me: Hits/likes are not a measurable indicator of talent or worth. There are ridiculously talented folks on Tumblr and elsewhere who, for whatever reason, haven’t had their viral moment, and it’s not their fault. Loads of factors come into play where things like likes, reblogs, and comments are concerned, among them being posting frequency, subject matter, the time of day, the day of the week, the week of the month, the month of the year, the current administration, the stock exchange, the concentration of middle class users, who just won the Superbowl, a madman trying to steal an election and undermine the democratic process, a PANDEMIC, do you get where I’m going with this?? lol

At the end of the day, my humble successes have been helped along by good luck, good timing, high profile signal boosters, and an absurd amount of work. (This is why I try to signal boost new work whenever I get a chance over at @vkelleyshares.) 

So while you cannot control Tumblr’s interface, trends at large, or your fellow users, here’s what you can do to ensure you give your work the best possible chance of exposure.

Have an image ready to go with your post. Tumblr is a visual platform (no matter what it says about being good for text). Not good with images? Set up a Canva.com account and get access to free graphic software with a gazillion templates to create whatever attractive image you want to attach to your post.

Keep the outward facing text brief and easy on the eyes. Too long and eyes will glaze over. Put excess text behind a “read more.”

You may think you’re being cute when you do this, but don’t put yourself down in your posts. (Don’t put yourself down in general, of course.) Doing so acts as engagement repellant. If you don’t believe in your work, no one else will.

Related: Be your best cheerleader. Confidence is a magnet, and if you don’t have it, go ahead and fake it until you start to convince yourself you are worth the buzz. So promote yourself! You have gifts that only you can impart. Use that knowledge to fuel everything you do from your art/fiction writing to your outreach with other content creators, and by golly, if someone’s done it already, acknowledge that contribution and then tell the world that this is YOUR unique take on it.

Treat your fellow fandom creators as human beings, not art/fiction/content boosting machines. I cannot count how many times I’ve had folks slide into my DMs with offers of friendship only to disappear once they realize I’m not available to draw a picture for their fic. It hurts because it’s manipulative and it makes me want to hole up and not signal boost anyone. Creators who truly support each other will not give off a transactional vibe. I want to help you reach more people, but not if that’s all I’m good for in your eyes. 

The long and short of it: Lead with compassion, do your best with the opportunities at  your disposal, and remember that fandom belongs to everyone in it. ❤️

What saves a fandom made of sensitive and vulnerable souls from imploding when it goes through growing pains is radical compassion from those who can offer it. Begin with the assumption that your fellow fandomers are not trying to harm you, and wade into the water knowing that your insight into the lives of your peers is limited by default and you may need to temper your words or actions accordingly. If you’re a content creator, save compassion for yourself as well, as there are indeed challenges to gaining an audience, and lack of engagement does not mean you lack talent or skill. Be your best advocate, and if you have the bandwidth to lift up a fellow creator and make a new friend, please, go ahead do it! 

And finally, fandom belongs to everyone, and no one has a monopoly on characters, tropes, or themes. Create and consume what you love (with respect for your more vulnerable peers), and bask in the variety, my friends!

That’s all I’ve got in my head at the moment, although I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting. Thanks so much to @penpanoply for letting me use her art for this and to everyone else, hang in there and try not to judge each other too harshly. These are unprecedented times, and most of us are doing our best in circumstances that are pushing us to our limits. 

As always, if you have questions or want to sound off on anything, shoot me a message or an ask, or ping me on Discord. It might take me a second to respond (thanks, Covid) but I’ll get to it! Love, love, and more love to all.

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

just because you’re afraid it doesn’t mean you’re broken.

Titans 3.05

once more into the cold dark void of the internet with my stream-of-consciousness take on a superhero tv show...

spoilers ahead.

1. i cannot believe that among the first things i get to hear in this episode with my own two ears is the line 'eluded our overdudes'. why must you give me such pain along with so much joy, show?

1.5. scarecrow stringing jason along on this path to red-hood-dom is not something i would’ve ever expected, but does kind of make sense. 

1.55. i don’t know all the details of the original resurrection arc in the comics but i like that jason, weirdly, has a greater role to play in his own demise and rebirth? i think it makes it easier to draw a line between his past trauma, the demonstrably shitty and terrifying responsibility of being robin, the ways bruce and the titans wronged him, his responses to that, the reasons he turns to scarecrow, and his final evolution to red hood. it makes for a smoother character arc rather than a one that was interrupted for two decades before somebody went oh hey let’s resurrect that kid that the audience once voted to kill and make him an anti-hero!

1.75. what’s crane giving him? anti fear toxin? anyway, crane is a fucking creep and i’m not sure i want to see a whole lot of him on my screen.

2. oh, um, heads up: there’s a long sequence of unsteady cam + flickering lights right after the title card upto the 3:16 mark. it’s a bit headache-inducing so if you want to skip, you can go ahead and do that. 

2.45. that’s... weird... why would he dream about... donna...

ok, who am i kidding. i’m going to jump right into my theory about Why Titans Makes Sense Actually because the show itself is apparently not interested in explaining itself:

a) it makes no sense for jason to be conjuring up donna--who famously did not care much for him!--in his dreams. (he wasn’t even there when she died.) or for her to be telling him don’t go or there’s still time.

b) this leads me to think that that’s actually donna, in some sort of limbo between life and death, the kind of place where jericho used to be

c) rachel has demonstrated that she has the power to link the minds of the titans across great distances--she called jason and hank/dawn for help in 2.01, she linked up everybody later in the season, projected dick’s hallucination of his father into their brains without even realising she was doing it, and in the finale, she managed to get dick into conner’s brain. she’s in themyscira now. is this how she gets donna back to life? but reaching out to her in that non-space between life and death?

d) the next obvious question is: why isn’t donna appearing in the dreams of the other titans? she probably is, but they have better reason to be dreaming about her since they were actually close to her, unlike jason.

e) but why would she warn jason in particular? does she foresee jason entering the afterlife--however briefly? does she have an idea of what jason plans to do and what he will become?

f) anyway, more trippy mindscapes and weird psychic powers, yay!

2.5. my heart clenched when bruce comforted jason post-nightmare: clearly i’ve been reading way too much batfam fic. this is a side of bruce we haven’t really been told to expect by all the characters on the show calling him a ‘psychopath’ (*cough*unreliablenarrators*cough*) and him getting jason to speak to a professional speaks volumes about the kind of self-reflection he’s done post dick’s departure, and maybe some of the regrets he has with regards to how he dealt with dick’s traumas.

i mean, just look at him when jason dismisses his concerns! BRUCE IS TRYING JASON

anyway, i have a whole lot more i want to say about this, but i’ll save it for later. 

also: LESLIE THOMPKINS!!!!

3. i really like molly--and i love that she’s a friend from before jason got taken in by bruce, the implication that they meet up regularly and that she’s a grounding influence on him (tho clearly not grounding enough to not go along with his dumbass idea about confronting a child trafficker alone). 

3.5. aw, jason. robin was his armour against everything in the world that would throw him down and chew him to bits, but san francisco proved that even robin wasn’t enough to protect him. it’s really interesting how ‘disillusionment with the idea of robin’ is so integral to the traumas of both dick and jason but in such different ways. 

4. LESLIE!!!!!!! i even forgive her office being so goddamn blue because leslie! 

4.5. it makes so much sense for titans!verse leslie to be a therapist, because this show is so inward looking anyway, and therapist sessions are a useful tool to showcase this character work in a story. besides, at least in fanfic, leslie often seems to double up as a counsellor anyway. 

4.6. oh man. i’m not terribly convinced by walters’ red hood (tho i think that may be the point--argh. i’ll come back to this thought later. have to stop getting distracted!) but he plays the asshole kid that’s trying not to let any real emotion seep through really well.

“you’d like me to punch you, wouldn’t you”

5. not sure what to think of batman’s little trophy case other than the show winking unsubtly at us and going look look - catwoman! the riddler! two face! you excited yet?! it’s like the scene from the end of amazing spiderman 2 when they were trying to drum up excitement for a sinister six spinoff by having harry osborne walk by a bunch of display cases with stuff from iconic villains in them.

... but then again, bruce does like to display a lot of shit in his batcave, including his dead robin’s bloodstained costume, so.

5.5. bruce is so soft with jason it’s killing me. beyond just trying to learn from his mistakes with dick, it speaks to his own genuine desire to balance his dedication to gotham with doing the best by his sons, although he’s often not successful with that. 

i love that titans is really playing the long game with bruce wayne, with each season and character-perspective sliding in fresh pieces of a bigger puzzle. titans’ bruce has always been a phantom of other peoples’ making, but now we’re getting the idea that he’s a whole lot more complicated than other people make it seem.

5.75. it really recontextualises some of his actions from previous seasons: the fact that he locked dick out of his security systems in 1.06 is likely his way of respecting dick’s independence and his desire not to be associated with batman/gotham anymore. jason knowing about bruce’s tracker while dick doesn’t is probably bruce trying to be more honest and upfront with his charges. bruce sending jason packing off to sanfran to spend time with the titans is probably not him passing on a big responsibility to dick (as i first uncharitably thought) but him trying to get jason out of the toxic influence of gotham for a while and a sign of his trust in dick as a leader and a mentor,

5.8. i mean, bruce is a prick, but he’s also human.

6. i think leslie is doing some good work with jason here, though she may have overstepped the line with her line about robin as a construct being projected by a man with BPD. her speculations about bruce’s diagnosis have no place in her session with jason, and if bruce confides in her, an egregious violation of patient-therapist confidentiality. 

(about the diagnosis itself... i don’t know. i can’t really confirm or refute this without a whole lot more information, and i’m not sure if the writer of this episode means BPD in the same way an actual professional might.)

6.5. i think a huge thing that gets missed out in a lot of recent comics as well as movies/shows is that bruce didn’t create the robin persona out of whole cloth. dick did. he’s the starting point of that legacy and to call it entirely bruce’s creation is blatant erasure of that. in fact, i’m surprised that dick doesn’t feature more in the conversations they’re having about the pressures of being robin. after all, the guy had been robin--bruce’s partner--for such a long time before jason. 

6.8. (and here’s the primal part of me that resonates the deepest with dick grayson--the Eldest Daughter part--that’s sort of resentful: that jason gets the therapy and softness and the learning from mistakes when it took years and years for bruce to reach out in any meaningful way to dick.)

7. oooh that was a great scene!

it’s fun to do these stream-of-consciousness live reactions, because the moment you step down from your soapbox, the episode goes right into tackling what you were just complaining about. bruce means well, he’s learning, but he goes about exactly the wrong way to help jason: taking away robin now can’t be read by jason as anything but a devastating judgment call from bruce. and iain glen really sells the moment that bruce realises this--too late--and his helplessness in trying to get jason to see that it isn’t jason’s fault that he’s trying to do this. he loves jason enough that jason is enough. 

7.5. aaaah so jason brings up the elephant in the room at last. dick got everything makes sense from his perspective, where getting to put on a costume and fight crime means approval, means being something stronger and better than you are. dick got to be robin, then nightwing, and a leader of a whole team of other costume-clad heroes. 

8. ... how did jason just walk into arkham????? this is ridiculous.

8.3. i mean, clearly jason’s not thinking straight, but betraying batman like this puts his possibilities of being robin again even further away. 

8.5. watching that chemistry experiment montage was strangely funny. this guy is looking for an antidote to fear? well, constantly mixing up and inhaling gases concocted by a mad-scientist supervillain is something only the very fearless--reckless to the point of foolishness!--would do. what’s to say crane’s not given you a formula for a drug that will keep you tethered to his every will and whim? hmmmm?

8.7. so he sought out the joker to... test the formula??? 

9. wow the “loud and clear... boss” hits different after a whole episode of them referring to each other as father and son.

9.3. waitwaitwait HOLD UP. wait a DANG MINUTE. you’re telling me that scarecrow had enough resources that he could not only have folks on the outside steal jason away and dunk him in a lazarus pit (i TOLD you that this show would bring up and dismiss ra’s al ghul in a ten second aside! I TOLD YOU) but also have his own little chemistry lab in the basement, AND have enough resources for jason to build his red hood persona???????? all of this in barely twenty four hours?

well there goes my ‘jason orchestrated his death’ theory. it was nice while it lasted. *cups hands to the sky* fly away, my baby.

9.6. a part of me is gleeful at the rushed nature of such an iconic transformation though, especially when compared to all the character work that went before it. we’re so used to getting the opposite that it’s fucking delightful to have a show that’s more interested in exploring its characters’ minds rather than battle scenes or recreating transformations from the comics. that’s taken such bold and exciting steps to fully convey all the nuances of its most recognisable character, bruce wayne, from casting an older actor to play him to unflinchingly showing just how damaging the vigilante lifestyle has been to him and the people he loves. BRILLIANT

*sporfle*

10. again, heads up: a whole lot of flashing lights between 40:28 and 42:00. 

10.3. i guess it’s the super-compressed timeline that’s really throwing me off. where did he have the time to get/develop the mind control thing from? or is it something that he got from the cabal of villains that he intimidated at the beginning of 3.02? very messy.

10.5. i love molly, i hope she shows up again this season.

11. aaaand that’s it! that was a solid episode as flashback episodes go, but now i can’t wait to return to the present.