#their entire journey has been about courage and self-actualization

[adaptacy]

Gale has me in a chokehold, I love his nerdy ass. If you're accepting requests, can I request some angst but then fluff with him? It may just be my own insecure self, but what if his fem Tav still felt insecure and not worthy of him after he spoke to Mystra? Like she tries to smile and nod, but she's actually worried he still has feelings for Mystra?

hiii! so i wanted to actually get to this part before writing for it so i could experience full context instead of just watching a yt vid (200 hrs in the game and i *just* got there... albeit it was with durge tav in an evil playthru (one of like 4 playthrus i've started cause i have no self control), but i got there nonetheless) so sorry for taking a while!! but here you go ^^

Word count: 2k

"Back on mortal soil once more," he exhales, eyes slightly narrowed in a tense discomfort. He doesn't meet your eye, and his lips part in a doubtful smile, as if he isn't sure whether he's awake or experiencing some sort of dream. He blinks, and meets your gaze, his smile dimming – you’re not sure if it’s the result of a forced calmness, or a natural relaxation in his muscles. “I can’t believe I saw her– after all this time,” he nearly chuckles the statement out, and you suppress a cringe, desperately scanning his features for reassurance before you allow yourself to grow unreasonably anxious.

But he seems caught in a state of wonder, his eyes bearing an uncommon light in them – perhaps due to the astral scenery he just returned from, or, more likely, it could be an emotional occurrence. Either way, it stings, and you hate the way your stomach churns, hanging onto what feels like a thinning thread. He’s grown closer and closer to rejecting her, every new discovery being one more small, but necessary, push away from his faith, from any lingering feelings of affection for the goddess. 

You couldn’t help but feel as though this was a setback. That, maybe, seeing her again, speaking with her again – maybe it reminded him of a time that you knew he missed. A time that, prior to your relationship with him and a few important facts he’d learned about her, he spoke so incredibly fondly of. He stays quiet, pondering the conversation, and you only feel your fearful anticipation growing more with his silence.

In an effort to break it, you muster up enough courage to speak. “A little intimidating,” you try to chuckle, but it only comes out as a painfully stressed hum, followed shortly by an intense urge to withdraw from the conversation, but you manage to override your anxiety’s desires. 

Gale does manage to chuckle, again, nearly effortlessly – especially compared to your own failed attempt. “Powerful, wasn’t it? Magical, just– entirely magical,” he practically swoons, and you force a smile, tearing your gaze away from him. He continues speaking, and usually you’d be keen on listening to his every word, but you can’t help but tune him out. Even so, you can still hear the excitement in his tone, despite refusing to pick up on the words. 

You’re not sure how long he continues for, though you know it ends, because you feel fingers on your chin, and he angles your head slightly back towards him, forcing your attention back to him. He’s wearing a frown now, and you blink, pulling your head away from his touch. “Sorry. Just – not feeling well.”

“Not feeling well? Damn it, I knew that meat platter was a foul idea. Tavern hardly held a shine, I’m hesitant to believe their appetizers were truly safe for consumption. We should return to camp.” He nods, lowering his hand and offering it to you, and although you feel bad for not disproving his assumptions, you take his hand and go along with the lie, walking back towards your camp. 

It isn’t a very long walk, which is most fortunate; you’re hardly eager to strike up conversation, and had it been any longer of a journey, you’re sure that Gale would question your silence. Eventually, you return, and the area is empty, save for the usual occupants that never really left camp. Everyone else was out either exploring the city, settling down for food, finding entertainment, or bargaining with merchants to pawn off the unnecessary equipment they’d picked up. 

Gale didn’t bother making a request or saying anything before immediately leading you to his tent, directing you to sit on one of the few cushions that littered the blue rug on the floor. You did as he asked, and he looked around the camp, focusing more on the area around Shadowheart’s tent, though his search for her was ultimately fruitless, so instead he knelt before you, the back of his hand pressing against your forehead. “Not particularly warm, certainly not alarmingly so – though I’m no medic, I do believe I’ve enough experience to deem you unafflicted by any fever. What are your symptoms?”

“Symptoms?” You repeat, and Gale squints, clicking his tongue.

“Mental fogginess,” he remarks, and you finally shake your head, looking off to the side.

“I’m not sick,” you confess, knowing that he’s bound to ask questions, but deciding you’d rather be honest than have him worry about your physical well-being. 

“Now, there’s no reason to hide it. I’m sure that even a divine being would have gotten some strand of illness from that – what was it? A space hamster? And a mighty undercooked one, at that. I’m merely glad you’re still conscious,” he teases, leaning forward and holding your chin, giving you a quick kiss on the forehead. 

You pull back, shaking your head once more. “I’m serious. I’m not sick. I just – I don’t know,” you sigh, scooting back and frowning. “It’s a lot to take in, isn’t it? All that stuff with Mystra?”

Gale eases back, reading your expression a second time to ensure you weren’t trying to deceive him. Once he’s sure, he lowers himself fully to his knees, and then grabs another cushion for himself to sit on. He thinks over your words, and ultimately nods. “Indeed. Rather unsettling. To now know that the weave I’ve had inside of me for so long is nothing more – and always has been nothing more – than a mystery to me, it’s… unsettling,” he repeats, bending a knee and placing his elbow on it, his thumb running over the hairs on his jaw. 

“She’s been lying to you,” you murmur, and Gale eyes you, his expression that of some internal conflict. A conflict you fear you may be losing, even if he’d never admit it to you.

“As sadistic as it may appear, she had her reasons. Reasons we may never grasp or understand, but reasons, I’m sure. It’s no matter. Granting my disease a name does little to change said disease – or the expectations that come along with it. If I please her, if I fulfill her request of me, I will be rid of it. Free. At last. Though her actions may seem tyrannical to most, you must understand that it is quite a generous offer she is granting me,” he explains, his head tilting as he watches your reaction, though you’re putting too much effort into disguising your true concerns for him to pick up on them.

“Are you going to give it to her?” You ask, silently pleading for a denial -- for a firm and unwavering ‘No.’

“Of course. I have to,” he chuckles nervously, and whatever hope may have been contained in your expression quickly fades, and you have to break eye contact with him. “My love, this may be my only means of safety. Of securing a future. Should I refuse her, my very life would be on the line. And the miracles that have kept this orb from rupturing thus far – Mystra’s miracles, might I add – I would be left completely without.” He reaches forward, taking a hold of your hands, and you begrudgingly look back at him. “How could I possibly deny the chance at a future with you? I would be a madman.”

His words ease you, even if the effect is incredibly slight. You squeeze his hands, and he squeezes back, his small smile brimming with hope. It’s a pleasant emotion to see him with – one that you haven’t truly seen before. The closest has been eagerness, such as the kind he displayed when you learned of, and eventually obtained, the very book that caused this meeting with his goddess. “What if she forgives you?” You whisper, your insecurity underlining every syllable, and if you weren’t so afraid, your shame would have surely manifested in the color on your cheeks. 

Gale pauses, his eyebrows pushing inward as he processes your words a few times over. “If she forgives me?”

“If she calls on you to be her chosen. If you give her the crown, and she excuses your disputes. I want a future with you too, I do. I just… fear a future haunted by her. I want you, exactly as you are.” You inhale, and it’s shaky, but it’s too late to turn back now. “If she forgives you, will you be at her beck and call?”

He smiles again, but it’s nearly a smile of pity. A smile that instills you with a pinch in your throat, daring you to cry. One of his hands slips out of yours, and for a moment, you believe that this is it – that he’ll confess his plans to return to her side, to embrace his faith once more, to leave you behind at the assurance of greener, holier, pastures. But instead, his hand tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, and then holds the right side of your face, his hold warm and comforting. “Once I am cured, once all of this is over – the only person I wish to be ‘chosen’ by is you. I confess that, had I not met you, the outcome may be different.”

Despite the small, mildly reassured smile on your face, and your leaning into his palm, you still contain some worry for the future. And so, against the understanding that you should know better than to wonder, you ask “Different how?”

He sighs, squeezing your hand again. “Before the tadpoles, before you, before any of this – I had always believed that I’d never be free of her influence. She occupied my mind much like our little larva pilots do now. To control the weave – to channel and embrace the weave is to embrace Mystra. Pieces of her, at least. Though it’s hard to feel a piece of her and not reflect on a time when I could feel all of her. Had I any choice in the matter, I would remove her completely from my life. But I am no man without my past, and even less of one without the magic that I have been so consistently entwined with. And yet, it’s with you that I feel unburdened by her expectations, by her authority and judgment.” Gale leans forward, and you do too, your forehead against his. His eyes close, and yours do as well, merely enjoying the closeness, and the gentleness in his tone, the comfort that his words bring. “With you I forget my goddess. I forget my past, I forget my flaws, I forget my mistakes. I have a purpose now. One beyond being a vessel. One beyond being a subservient lapdog for the will of a deity.”

When you open your eyes, you find Gale’s open as well, and he watches your lips, debating something. You grant him a moment to think, and he decides to act, pulling you a little closer for a chaste kiss, allowing it to linger before he pulls back once more, the curl of his lips more assured now.

“I would suffer at the hands of her fate a thousand times over if it meant finding you again in just one life. You, dearest, are the one who my heart worships. Even if I speak the tongue of the weave or spin her spells, I know what love truly is – unparalleled, earnest, generous love – because of you, and only you. Should Mystra find herself munificent enough to shell out a fragment of forgiveness for me, she will, quite quickly, understand I have no interest in being her compliant plaything anew. If Elminster is a case that instills any flavor of wariness, I do believe I’d be better off without such an expansive lifespan, and… intense enthrallment in cheese,” he chuckles, pulling a laugh from you as well. When that laugh trails off, he cuts it short with a kiss, this one lasting a little longer than the one prior. 

“Just us two, then? After all of this?” You ask when the kiss is broken, and he smirks, shrugging.

“Us two and my Tressym, of course. I promise that she’s much better company than a goddess.”

“Of course. I can certainly live with that."

[ilikekidsshows]

I'm just so annoyed that one can't even voice their frustrations with Canon anymore without being written off as a salter. Especially when it comes to Marinette. But at the same time, I know exactly that if anyone had said earlier that Marinette would pull all these things that season 4 and 5 have her do, the person would have been insulted and ripped apart as a salter and hater. But the moment Canon has Marinette actually DO it her fans turn around and claim that her having done it is either totally fine, not her fault, or must be tolerated cause it's part of the good and pure messages "they totally predicted this way all along with their totally unbiased Master-minds"

It is so obvious that this is what's happening in the Fandom. In season 4, everyone yelled that people are being too harsh on poor Marinette cause season 5 will totally have her fix for example her insanely negligent, dehumanizing, and self centered behavior towards Cat Noir

And yet, the moment season 5 showed that non of that will happen, they turn around and started talking about these hypocritical nonsense philosophies that it's totally fine that feeling sorry, taking accountability and improving one's shortcomings doesn't actually include feeling sorry, taking accountability and improving one's real shortcomings, cause poor Marinette needs to have servants and be pampered for her hurtful behavior, validated and excused in it, and crowned the queen of the world first and "you just hate WOMEN wah wah wah".

That they totally understand how canon works and Marinette will TOTALLY have this groundbreaking journey til season 10, and everyone is so unfair and horrible for being sexist and having expected so much of her as early as THE END OF SEASON 5. Whne she straight up isn't doing her best to make up for her mistakes, she barely even tries and instead sweeps everything under the rug, takes every excuse she gets and continues taking advantage of Cat Noir in particular so she doesn't have to feel uncomfortable for 10 damn seconds

Where was that energy in season 4, Marinette stans? You said something entirely else back then! What changed? The fact that canon didn't deliver on your endless excuses for Marinette, so you decided to continue adapting your excuses to whatever Canon has her do? Sounds about right.

I wished Marinette stans and even just her Fans would do us all a solid and just admit already that the morality of Marinette's canon actions and behavior doesn't truly matter to them. There is literally nothing they wouldn't excuse that much is obvious by now. No matter how much they themselves qualified her current behavior as "offensive salt" one damn season earlier.

---

I did comment at one point that Miraculous was starting to resemble a saltfic when it started lifting plotpoints straight from them (like Adrien apologizing for his really solid advice that instantly helped Marinette in Chameleon). But now it seems that canon has also lifted Marinette's new role from saltfics, except that the people she disregards haven't done any of the stuff they do in saltfics that makes them “deserve” Marinette's retribution. Unless Adrien totally did rip Marinette's sketchbook and I just missed it.

But, yeah, it's absolutely ridiculous that, if we traveled back in time a couple of years and simply described to people what happens in seasons 4 and 5, we’d get labeled a bunch of salters. Even now they call us salters just because we don't praise Marinette for doing this stuff, like it's our fault the main heroine of this series is an utter failure who never worked up the courage to ask the guy she likes out and whose response to being told her nemesis’ identity was to ignore it until he jumped her when she was digging for info on her boyfriend. And then she lost the fight. Marinette had two jobs as a protagonist, and she failed at them both. That’s not the fault of the fans who are disappointed by this; it’s the fault of the writers who think doing what will get them the most attention is more important than having their supposed role model, hero and protagonist actually accomplish anything on her own merit.

Because the writers claim that they had this “planned all along”, when they had a French historical hero walk on screen and call Marinette the best Ladybug ever, while they were planning on having her fail at accomplishing all of her goals. I used to think that the writers think Marinette should be praised for simply existing, but no, they think she should be praised for explicitly failing. And pointing out this utter failure of writing and heroism is salt. That's how low the fans of this trainwreck have brought the bar for what they consider good television, it's practically nonexistent.

[oddygaul]

Piranesi

I write this post under the watchful Gaze of the Statue of the Gorilla in the Fifth Northern Hall. May his Strength and Resolution give me courage!

art by upongoblinhill - link to prints

I can’t remember the last time I finished a book this quickly. Piranesi’s biggest strength, I think, is in its writing and pacing. The world and setup are compelling enough on their own, don’t get me wrong, but it’s the transportative nature of the prose that refused to let me go.

It’s easy for me to imagine a version of this story written from another, more common angle: perhaps seeing the proceedings from Raphael’s point of view as she slowly unravels the mystery, or having us follow someone who has only recently entered and is still exploring the House, or even just following Piranesi’s journey from a detached perspective that treats his worldview more dispassionately. That we instead get a window right into the inner thoughts of someone who’s been inside the House for years is what makes this story tick. From little flourishes, like the capitalization and proper noun-ifying of seemingly insignificant details, to full-on religious practices, like Piranesi’s divining of the hidden messages that nearby birds give him via landing on different statues, we get insight into the House not only as it is, but the House as it is perceived. Because we get to see everything through the lens of Piranesi’s obsessive care and attention to detail, it becomes easier both to become immersed in the house as a fictional setting, and to start believing diegetically in the beneficence and grace he characterizes it with.

It also feels (as Clarke clearly intended since she references it multiple times) like getting a peek into the head of an outsider artist. The same day I started this book, I actually walked by a museum with an entire section dedicated to Henry Darger. I then immediately made the connection reading Piranesi’s categorical, dizzying knowledge of all the House’s statues and their (invented) inherent meanings - this incredibly niche, almost absurd knowledge, from an outsider perspective - to a body of work like Darger’s. I was stoked to see the idea of outsider art / academics brought up in Matthew’s notes later.

—

From a conceptual perspective, it was also very cool reading about a crackpot cult leader whose off-the-wall beliefs were actually right. I don’t spend a ton of time reading / listening to stories about cult leaders, serial killers, or conspiracy theorists (it bums me out), but one element of those stories that always fascinates are the ridiculous ideas they manage to convince their followers to believe. In those contexts, it’s bleak, because no matter how much they spark the imagination, I know they’re just snares and falsehoods used as means to an end - so it was satisfying to read the excerpts from Arne-Sayles’ theories, which surely sound like nonsense to everyone in-universe, from the perspective of someone that’s living proof that all of those ravings are unambiguously true.

And we only saw one of the dozens of worlds!

—

One of Piranesi’s most prominent themes is examining what aspects of our past selves we carry with us as we grow and mature. The story focuses clearly on this with Matthew Rose Sorenson’s / Piranesi’s huge personality changes, obviously, but there was a lot of nuance to it I liked. One of my favorite bits was how drastically different Piranesi’s temperament was compared to what we know of Matthew’s. It’s difficult to truly compare, of course, because most of what we learn of him is through unreliable narrators Ketterley and Arne-Sayles - how much does someone calling you arrogant really mean if they themselves are the height of arrogance? Still, by most accounts Matthew Rose Sorenson was haughty and self-important, while Piranesi approaches the world with kindness, understanding, and optimism.

Is this simply what Matthew’s mind would be if freed from all the baggage and minutiae brought about from a clout-chasing academic life, and getting a fresh start enabled him to become this more empathetic self? Is the House itself truly a font of knowledge and peace, whose benign influence, if allowed in, can soften even the most calcified personality? Was it just random chance that Piranesi developed the way he did after his mental break? All seem like equally viable possibilities. 

The things we see Piranesi carry on from his past life as Matthew are scattershot. There’s the obvious ones, like his love of journaling, or the scientific curiosity that drives him to chart out and record the things around him. A trait I found curious, though, was the strong belief in animism he seems to have developed in the House. We see from reading Matthew’s old journals that he’s done plenty of research into Arne-Sayles’ work, including his theories regarding the power of ancient man and their ability to communicate with the world around them. However, despite not believing in it at the time, the idea clearly stuck subconsciously and resurfaced, as Piranesi has a real gift for communing with the World of the House, from the tides to the birds. Who could say if these abilities are still possible in the regular world, but in the House, at least, it seems that this communication is possible, and Piranesi has become quite skilled in it.

Meanwhile, despite not being trapped in the House and ostensibly being able to retain his faculties, we watch the Other try again and again at his inane rituals, thinking of increasingly far-fetched adjustments to his experiments with no results to show for it. In this way, despite not ‘losing his mind’, as he says Sorenson and James Ritter have, he is stuck in his ways to the point of self-defeat - it is his lack of reinvention and self-growth that is his biggest weakness. Our protagonist, on the other hand, despite having seemingly lost everything from two separate lives by the end of the book, is able to make his way back to the ‘real’ world as something more than the sum of his parts. Rather than either extreme of falling back into routine or totally forgetting what used to be important to him, he’s able to forge the best parts of his past selves together into something new, and continue moving forward yet again.

The Beauty of the House is immeasurable; its Kindness infinite.

[emblazons]

You seem to view the show very differently than I do, so it made me want to ask how you perceive El and what you think are her strongest and most defining characteristics?

This has been sitting in my ask for a few days now, and I've not been avoiding it so much as I've been trying to formulate a coherent answer...so. Apologies for the delay, and the fact that this might still be a little all over the place (esp since I don't want to write a whole novel for an ask lmao).

To be completely honest, there are kind of "two sides" of El to me—there is the side of her that is processing her own identity as someone who was denied self-understanding (of her past, of her powers, etc), and the side that is processing herself as a relational and interpersonal human being. I don't think they are inherently "separate" parts her, and there are a lot of things about both sides that crossover, but...at the end of the day, there is a side of El that no one else in this show understands, because (even different than Henry) she is the only character who (before the events of the show) never knew an existence outside of the lab, and therefore came into the main narrative of our story from a place without many of the preconceived notions about what life should or shouldn't be that define most of our other characters.

Of course that is no longer true as we move into S5—El has enough experience and even wisdom to start making educated decisions about what she does and doesn't want, both in terms of relationships (familial, platonic and romantic) and how she wants to utilize her powers—but that aspect of her is something I always try to factor into my understanding of her character, and her overarching arc as well (especially considering that, from the pitch of the show, she was separated from every other description and called the outsider). If anything, the fact that El's entire journey has been about an inherent "outsider" finding home (shout out to the og pitch ET comparison) is one of the more fascinating parts of what defines her character—and what I hope to see come full circle in S5.

As for her "characteristics:" I think she is inherently curious, intuitive and insightful; she has a deep sense of justice and loyalty, as well as a ferocious protective streak for those she cares for. She is somewhat weary and a bit withdrawn, though time with people she trusts have slowly chipped away at the fears that her upbringing brought out in her and made her more courageous as a character. She is prone to being somewhat deceitful and even jealous at times, but she is also a quick learner and highly adaptable—on top of being strong mentally, emotionally and physically (even without her powers—looking at that Angela concussion & it taking several doctors to take her down at Nina when she first saw Brenner lmao).

As time has gone on, she has also grown into someone who is highly invested in her self-actualization—defining herself on her own terms, and "making her own rules." Its what makes her journey from someone completely dependent on others/used to serve other people's interests into someone self-defining & autonomous all the more powerful, imo.

I hope that answers your question! And thanks for the ask. :)

[a-witches-riddle]

I know lately I’ve been very big into self-positivity and such, and looking at the bright side of things, but it’s not as easy of a task as I make it out to be. Honestly, some days are still awful. Sometimes I feel like I want to stay in bed and hide from the world, I want to sleep for an entire day and wake up the next one, that for once I want to have no responsibilities or stressors, and turn my brain off. Days like today are a great reminder that the path to healing is a non-linear, curved, winding, and sometimes backtracking path. And to speak truthfully, that’s okay. Sometimes I’m allowed to feel aimless, to wander blindly unsure of what I’m doing or why, to be allowed to sit in and think about the negative emotions. To cry, to dissociate, to feel pain. All of those feelings belonging to an incredibly large spectrum of emotions, which is only normal to feel in.

Today I’ve been struggling with overthinking again. I used to be a major overthinker, letting my anxiety, depression, and overattachments dictate and rule my every thought, crippling me and affecting any relationships I’ve had. Lately it’s been tempered, a lot of which thanks to permanence in my life that’s kept me bound to reality, alongside some hard learned lessons and damn near close calls. But today has been troublesome for me. I felt locked in my thoughts, over analyzing potential flaws, mistakes, defects in my personality, anything I could try to “fix” and make better, which proceeded to lead me into a rabbit hole of a mild identity crisis. Stuck with a confusion of what I want to be, and a feeling of a deep emptiness in my chest.

I suppose the identity crisis of what I want to be comes from a personal feeling of inadequacy. That I’m not capable of achieving what I want to do, leading me to give up before I even started. Objectively, from an unbiased lens, I know I’m capable of many things that I could set my mind to, but a part of me still has this nagging feeling that if I don’t get it right the first time, I can’t do it at all. But my stubbornness and almost a feeling of spitefulness keeps me going, almost to prove myself and others that I’m capable of these things, that I’m not a failure and that I’m more than what I seem. I deserve to be allowed to pursue what I want, to engage in whatever I desire. The courage to gather to actually achieve these things is hard, but it’s never an easy journey, is it?

And for my feelings of emptiness… That’s a harder one to quantify. What do I really want that could fill that perceived hole? Why is that feeling a thing in the first place? I suppose the feelings are garnered from myself, circling back to over-analyzing myself, I feel as though lately I’ve held myself to a high standard, a necessity when it comes to keeping myself in check. Maybe I still don’t fully trust myself to not make fatal mistakes, that with the permanence that I have left I could still slip back into old habits and behaviors, and torch what I still have left. And that’s really it, isn’t it? The feeling of dissatisfaction of what I don’t have. But would that even fill the pit of emptiness? Or would the more I add just be more distractions to try and fill the hole? I feel a burning sense of longing, to be wanted, needed, cared for. And I have that, in spades. I love my partner more than anything, they’ve helped me pick up the pieces from the worst times of my life, and their love being the glue to keep me together long enough to get my own. I have to take solace in the fact that I was the one who made the decision to put myself back together. Healing can only truly come from within, and that’s something to take pride in.

So what has this rambling amounted to? Maybe a thought spill to garner some added self reflection. And maybe act as a window for others to see, maybe in some minuscule way my inner thoughts and feelings can help someone else pick up the pieces of their own lives. That they can find the confidence to pursue what they want, to find the love they need. Maybe life doesn’t end when you feel like you break. You just need someone to catch you when you fall.

And at the end of the day, it’s okay to feel bad. That your emotions are valid, and that you matter. We all have our good and our bad days. Sometimes we have a lot of one in a row, sometimes it’s a mix, and that’s okay. You’re not broken for feeling bad. It’s only human. The best we can do is try.

[ever-go-on]

hi!! absolutely NO fucking pressure whatsoever to answer this i know it’s a very personal question but. what did the (vague) road to professional treatment/acknowledgement of DID look like for you? i’m in a place where i can start therapy soon and i’ve suspected for three years that Something Is Up but i don’t even know what that process would begin to look like

honestly id struggle to articulate my entire journey because of what a mess of dead ends and lost paperwork it is but this has been my journey with my current therapist (long post):

i originally found her going through a directory of trauma-informed psychotherapists in my area. although nothing on her page said anything about dissociation, she specialised in complex PTSD.

this was super lucky for me. DID specialists are incredibly rare, and DID treatment derives from CPTSD treatment, so ultimately your best bet for finding DID treatment in my opinion is a therapist trained in (C)PTSD / a therapist who has experience treating trauma & its associated symptoms.

i thought, fuck it, even if she can't do anything about the alters, maybe she can help me with my attachment issues, emotional dysreg, self esteem issues, flashbacks, etc.

i spoke to her for a preliminary session and she seemed decent enough. no immediate discomfort. always a plus.

always trust your gut. no point having a therapist you don't really trust / like, even if theyre "objectively good". a large part of trauma therapy is building a trusting relationship so you can feel safe in the room. don't be afraid to shop around if that's an option.

a few weeks/months in i finally plucked up the courage to articulate that i had conflicting parts with conflicting personalities and senses of self. she asked me to explain, and i did. it would take a while before i felt comfortable enough to run through them with her, but she was open to what i communicated.

green flag. it's very important that your therapist doesn't make you feel judged.

on the topic of bringing up parts, i would really recommend you use your own words to describe your experiences. "i have DID" could mean absolutely anything: it doesn't tell them what your understanding of DID is, what your specific experiences are, or what symptoms you most struggle with. explain what your experiences and symptoms look like for you in your own words, so they can trust your judgement better and get more information.

a year or so into working with me she began to seek training in treating and understanding dissociative disorders, and offered to (attempt to) refer me to my country's leading dissociative hospital. i did decide i wanted to stick with her, because our tolerance and life-stability work was going quite well, but it would have been an option to put me through some assessments, land on that waiting list, and then see Proper DID Specialists for some rigorous work. i just figured i was happy at the pace i was at.

she actually now has a qualification in treating DID that she uses to understand and treat my symptoms.

this is just because my therapist is a boss. and another reason why not to be intimidated by a therapist who doesn't yet have every specialism you need: they are also people who are learning, and if you're lucky, they will acknowledge the places their knowledge fails and attempt to make it right.

you'll notice i haven't talked about diagnoses yet. this is partially because my diagnostic history is a blurry mess of lost paperwork (including my initial DID dx... grumble grumble), and because while diagnoses can open up the door to specialist psychologists and clinics (and insurance to cover the costs?), there are many therapists who don't need that paperwork, and will just offer you treatment for decent chunks of money.

so that's my insight based on what's worked for me and landed me here. trauma-trained therapists who click with you and are open to learning are the way to go.

shes helped me reduce my depression and anxiety levels significantly, raise my tolerance (so i dont dissociate, switch, or split as much), work on my impulse control, understand and partially overcome my attachment and relationship issues, and in turn i have never been so integrated. i can communicate with and i feel like i really understand the majority of my parts; i have not split an alter in over two years and my numbers are record low because of several fusions that naturally occurred as my life developed and got better. im now finally at a stage where i might be capable of processing trauma.

its a lot and its taken a long time, but it's worth it to me.

ty for the ask anon :)

[6ofwandz]

Nine years ago I embarked on a spiritual journey I had no idea had this kind of destination. All I knew is that I had taken the time to examine my childhood to understand the kind of adult I had become and I didn't like what I had discovered. I had sunk into an indescribable depression that I could not claw my way out of no matter how hard I tried. I could not understand why looking in the mirror was getting more and more difficult. Why I was so consistently full to the brim with anxiety that I could hardly function on a molecular level? I had done all the introspection that I could on my own and had gotten pretty far but I knew there were pieces I was missing and I needed some help getting the rest of the way.

It wasn't without resistance, however, and I knew that I needed to be courageous enough to push through that difficult moment and insist that I be able to start therapy despite the hesitation of my ex-husband. He had explained that he had been in a relationship with a woman whose therapist had turned her against him and so he didn't believe in it anymore. He saw what it had done to his personal life and didn't want me to have any influences that might cause me to leave him like his ex left him. He probably knew that I had been changing and found himself terrified that I was finally going to get the realization that he wasn't as good as he said he was.

And so, I embarked. I gathered up the little I knew about myself and began on a journey to understand how I had gotten to this point, to comprehend how my soul had gotten so lost in the dark hole that was my chest. My anxiety had gotten absolutely out of control and I could hardly function working at a shift supervisor at my job--it was simply too much pressure. My depression made me feel like I could hardly get out of bed and I had been researching everything I knew about what I had experienced online and had hit a wall. It was time that I go to therapy and get help, though at the time I didn't even know what I needed help with. I just knew that I needed something.

Looking back on what got me here, I can say with full certainty that I never expected myself at this intersection, in this moment. At the time it was literally just about me going to therapy to try to learn some symptom management. I didn't believe that I could heal myself enough to actually change my entire life. I just wanted to learn a few things so that I could stop having panic attacks every day at work. I didn't know that I would spend the next nine years of my life hyperfocusing on trying to find the best answers for my emotional state of being every day trying to learn something new about myself so that I could stop hurting with such intensity. I had no destination in mind, just the acknowledgement that I couldn't continue traveling the path I was on and hope for different results.

The journey has most certainly not been easy. I have lost many friends because not everyone is as ready to do the same amount of work as I have. I have gone to the absolute depths of my self, leaving only pebbles to overturn, and have come back victorious. I can say with assuredness that there is no way I would have been able to look my current self in the eyes as a younger version of myself, I would have absolutely crumbled from knowing that I got the chance to become a hero in my own story. I'm so so so proud of me.

[psychoticwillgraham]

long ass fucking emotional post about what it means to make it to my 28th bday under the read more

also making two bday playlists for myself: a funny one and an emotional one celebrating my journey so far. I know, 28 doesn’t seem like an important birthday, but for me? it’s everything. from something who planned to die on its 16th birthday to now, has been a hell of a journey. the vast majority of it has been heartbreaking, but through all the new trauma and old, I’ve become a much different person. i used to be a hermit basically, a high school dropout who wouldn’t talk to anyone irl and even barely online. then, the glee fandom (for all its evils) happened for me and I got to meet an Australian person irl, someone who flew all that way just to meet their weird little klaine mutual, at just 14.

then, I discovered cosplay and conventions, and in that process, the beginnings of my personal identity. I’d already been struggling with severe self harm and the realization that I was some kind of queer (initially a lesbian, then a trans man within the span of less than a year), and cons gave me a place that I could dress however I wanted, act how I wanted, even get lost in acting as the character im cosplaying. I didn’t have to be a girl, I could be a boy (which I did, and used the excuse of cosplay to get my mom to buy me my first binder, but after that she caught on), I could be everything, I could even be nothing. That was my outlet creatively which would eventually lead to my drag career once I turned 21, which was an impossible dream for 16 year old me since I thought I’d never make it to that age.

unfortunately, I met my major and longest abuser (for at least 9 years who continues to be in my life bc I can’t let go) at a con around this age (16). that would set off a 9 year period of sexual abuse, grooming, and rape, that I still struggle to recover from bc it was all I knew until I was 25/26. I’d never had a relationship with a man that wasn’t abusive in some way, and still haven’t. that’s a whole other post for another time when I can handle it better.

but over that period of time, I consumed all drag related media that I could and eventually responded to an open casting call for local drag performers, pretty much anyone who’d ever wanted to do it. most of them had already been part of established local ish drag families, except for me. I literally started from jack fucking shit and I was almost too scared to perform every time I did. I’d been in theatre, but I was always in the chorus and could never get the courage to actually be on stage in any kind of speaking role. but then fast forward to age 21, where I worked the grind for 5 years up the local drag hierarchy, even though I’m still being discounted on account of me being afab and a king, im more of the ‘underdog’ in ppl’s eyes. ppl love me and want more of me, but the current ones on charge just don’t. im still gonna work the grind until I get where I want to be.

but through drag, I found myself. i became an entirely different person. im miles more social than I’ve ever been, im light years more confident, and learning to assert myself. it was like a rebirth for me and I will defend this art form till my death.

i beat alcoholism, the thing that nearly killed me several times, most notably in 2019 when I was so far gone that they didn’t think even activated charcoal would work. thank god it did but if I’d had just one more glass of straight vodka or two more acetaminophen I’d be dead. and if I hadn’t told mom about what I did when I did, I would’ve also been dead. even five minutes later and I would’ve been dead. y’all I was legit about to be coded when they gave me the charcoal, and I did have a near death experience (i hovered above my body and saw the harsh hospital lights above me and they were extra bright, but I wasn’t being forced to go, I didn’t hear God or anything at all, i just hovered there for about 30 seconds and went back to my body) which I’ve suppressed the memory of until now.

I’ve come such a long way from that, and from my horrible childhood, and yes I was thrown off guard from grandma’s death, and I consider everything before that my old life, and everything since a second rebirth, like I have an entirely different life. it’s still haunting me every single day and it does whenever I go past her closed off room, and I still feel her very presence in this house and with me everywhere I go.

things have been immensely difficult, but I’ve survived, and yes I’ve come out a completely different person, and I’ve changed. but we all change through life and I was changed by my grandmother’s love for me and her presence from the very day I was born, and changed by her death. it’s been a change for the better, and she can rest easy knowing that I’ll never forget her or how fiercely she fought for me through my addiction when everyone including my psych team gave up on me and were about to just let me drink myself to death, but not her.

she let me lay on her floor every night and rant and talk about literally anything and everything, would share her saltine crackers and tootsie rolls with me so I’d have at least something to eat even if it was nothing substantial. she insisted that if I drank, I had to drink in her room so she could watch my every move since she was terrified of me dying alone in my room. if I passed out there (which I did most nights in the later stages of my addiction), she would do all she could to make me a bed out of blankets on the floor, even when she couldn’t walk anymore, so that I wouldn’t be sleeping on the hard, nasty carpet.

she gave me a place to just be, and I still think she’s the only reason I’m still alive.

because of grandma’s love, I’m still standing here today, a completely changed person, but at least I’m still alive.

i planned to die at 16, then 18, then 21, then 25, and then at 28. but I’m still here, against all odds, and I’m so grateful that I am.

here’s to the rest of my life, a very long life.

[drcornwater]

it's my birthday today

Here's the Life Update

I met a girl after I moved back home to Michigan. She changed my life. Her name is Sarah. We've been together for 5 years in February and she's my best friend. She makes me laugh and has been the reason I can give you this update in the first place.

I was rewarded.

That's how it feels sometimes.

I Chose Life.

And as a reward for making the right decision, I got to meet the person who would allow me to enjoy that Life.

I'm so blessed.

This blog has seen the depths of my rock bottom. Honestly, I thought about never touching this again and leaving it as a shrine to my former self. The amount of change I see in myself when I look at posts from the past is unquantifiable. I'll live and die by The Poster's Code of Never Delete Anything, but there's going to be a tone shift for sure.

I'm better. I'm better is what I'm saying. My life isn't amazing or anything, but I'm good.

I love myself. I really genuinely love myself. And I really really mean that. I can say that now. I can say that and mean it every day to anyone. I have courage, humility, and strength. I'm capable of love and I'm lovable. Some days that's hard to believe, but I know that now. I tell everyone I love them. I love all of you. I hug as many people as I can.

I can't leave this mortal coil. How could I?

It was hard to love others when I couldn't love myself. I found that. And I have it now. And I'm good.

I'm going through some health stuff recently. I've been experiencing something that looks like seizures for the past year or so. I've been going through tests and I've actually got a big appointment lined up in a week. I'm handling it and there's a plan in place.

I don't actively want to die about it. I want to survive. I fear for my mortality for the first time. I have a future for the first time in my entire life. Sarah and I want to have kids. I want to be the best father a kid and a partner could ever ask for. I'm scared this will effect my future, but I'm ready for whatever lies ahead.

It's been scary and there's been some times that I just want to give up, but I've made it this far. I have to keep going. I want to see what happens in the end. I gotta know.

I think that's something that drives me now too. How does it all end? I can't possibly kill myself. No. That's out of the question. Has to be an external force at this point. If I can't expedite the process by my own hand, then my journey has to be pretty good.

Y'know, every year my birthday would roll around and I would dread it. Everyone giving me attention and it just gave me anxiety and I just wanted to be left alone. It was another year I had made it past my so-called expiration date. I would just get depressed. Sarah would try to cheer me up but I just always felt like shit.

I'm 29 today. And for the first time in a very long time I can genuinely say

Happy birthday to me 🐸

[soleillunne]

hi!!

✦ what is your blog's goal/intent? (what made you start one?)

i originally started as a more self-instert type of blog! also this blog used to be a kny blog before, but due to some personal reasons i started over completely and im glad i did! right now i dont have a goal besides having fun

✦ what is your story? (what made you get to this point? any memorable experiences you want to share?)

ive always liked writing ever since i was a kid. i wrote little stories on my lit lessons, on my breaks, with my friends. it was my favorite hobby ever. i also loved reading (at this point i only ever read physical books and had no idea what fanfiction was) and one day my friend said to me "hey check this out" and showed me a fanfiction and my journey began there. i started reading on quotev (thats right i skipped wattpad entirely /j) and after a while i thought to myself "wow this seems so cool, what if i try too?" but my english was not as good as it is now back then so i decided not to publish anything (i have never published anything to quotev before) it took me around 2 years to gain the courage to come to this hellsite and another 1 and a half years to actually publish anything i probably would not have continued writing here if not for my amazing mutuals so thank you for that, i appreciate you all mwah <3

✦ what is your biggest dream?

gosh my biggest dream since forever has been to open a bookstore (yes i know its every teen girls dream shh) and i still want to one day, because why the hell not honestly (even better if i get the courage to write my own book one day)

✦ if you had to use one song to describe yourself, what would it be?

thats probably the hardest question out of all of these, and i have no idea what song i would be 😭

✦ what mythical creature would you be and why?

i'd want to be a mermaid bc as much as i'm afraid of what's beneath the ocean, i'm also very curious about it! also i love learning about facts about marine biology in general so i feel like me being a mermaid would be great also have you seen how pretty corals are omg

✦ share with me your favorite fic on tumblr!

hmm i have a lot of favorites tbh but i have these that i read well over a million times : one , two , three by @cryoculus , @dulcesiabits and @mccnstruck in order

let me learn about you!

with all my new mutuals + old ones, i'd love to know more about you guys (aside from ask games because we all love those), so reblog with your answers ପ (๑´ ˘ ` ๑) ଓ ♡

✦ what is your blog's goal/intent? (what made you start one?)

✦ what is your story? (what made you get to this point? any memorable experiences you want to share?)

✦ what is your biggest dream?

✦ if you had to use one song to describe yourself, what would it be?

✦ what mythical creature would you be and why?

✦ share with me your favorite fic on tumblr!

i'm going to be tagging my mutuals but anyone can reblog or tag their friends! no pressure obviously!! only answer what ur comfortable with

@maehemthemisfit @https-furina @soleillunne @june-again @sinhasfluffyheadfur @amaiaqt @katsudooooon @kazumist @ayamago @papiliotao @kissxcore @blue-b3rries @rainswept @xhiune @flowerie-lumi @naenaex0xx ♡♡♡

[sarcasticsra]

The more I think on it I have exactly 0 qualms with Rue’s actions

Like they didn’t know Hob’s mission until ep 6 at the end, and there was that moment of surprise that it was his victories that led to the almost engagement - that was an interesting moment, especially as they tell him he was used. Rue knows plenty about being used

Also the conversation got cut away from right as Hob asked if Rue or Binx knew who had done it, likely for dramatic effect

Rue’s letter after the masquerade ball talks about wanting to KNOW Hob - what would’ve happened if that letter had actually been delivered? Would they have had a version of this conversation then?

And seriously like why THIS engagement? Why was this the one they had to break up? What was different about it? There had to be something, right??? I suppose it could just be a “straw that breaks the camel’s back” sort of thing, and it seemed like they were maybe thinking of revealing themselves at this Bloom anyway and meeting Hob tipped the scales, but I gotta know what sparked it

But no matter what it was - this is a being who was ripped from their home and made to be what this court wanted them to be, and they contorted themself into that box for millennia, working painstakingly to ensure everyone else around them might know love, or happiness, all the while being kept at arm’s length in their own court because of their origins

And something, whatever it was, finally made them go, “enough!”

That’s fucking revolutionary

And it happened before the engagement was even officially announced. Still scandalous, sure, but at least gives the goblin court plausible deniability

The whole season has had significant themes of This System Sucks so I’m just not overly Concerned about the reputation of the courts

Particularly not of a court that has been happy to use and abuse a member to the point where he gets so close to almost DYING because he won’t remove the DAMN ARROWS FROM HIS BACK out of his misguided sense of honor and service (that they knowingly take advantage of)

Hob, who has also been an outsider, who has dealt with that by fully sublimating his own sense of self, a full on trauma response

Who danced with someone 6 or 8 times and could only think “how nice of them to take pity on me”

But god forbid someone inadvertently make his terrible court look bad lol

And that’s the point, isn’t it - they’re all terrible

Love and happiness are not important, only perception, and power, and influence

The only one not obsessed with power and status is Binx’s court, and they got consumed, an easy target that wasn’t even trying to fight back, was just trying to do their own thing

Years and years and years of do this, say that, smile here, play nice, don’t upset the system, most too entrenched in their own survival mechanisms to do anything but go along

Which is fair enough, but let’s not hold the person trying to change things responsible for the failures of the system they’re trying to change

If people don’t feel like they have a choice, that’s the courts’ fault

And dismantling the courts is the only way out

Rue might be one of the only ones capable of that

After all, the Chorus knows the power they hold. That’s why they wanted them to join

Burn it all down, Rue

They have it coming

[visd3stele]

Old love, young love, fae love

masterlist;requests

A/N: so, I've posted the unfinished draft by mistake, then panicked and deleted the whole thing... ARGH!

anyway, @fantasyfox10123 requested this:

TW: nothing (notify me if I'm mistaken)

I hope you like this. I tried a simpler prose and I gave it a lighter, easy going tone. Not sure how I feel about it, though...

pics from pinterest,

Jude rubbed circles over the blunt spot of her ring finger with her thumb – where the digit should have been – left hand limp at her side while she hesitated to knock on the door with the right. A couple of days ago, Vivi bursted in the flat they shared, enthusiastically jumping up and down and speaking incoherently. Apparently, the fae found their mortal family, Eva Duarte's parents more specifically. And she wanted to visit.

However, it took some days and several pleads to convince Jude to join her. The sisters fought with each other on the subject many nights in a row, poor Heather having to play peace maker all the time. But in the end, Jude agreed to meet them. If only out of curiosity.

The first time Jude went with Vivi to see their mortal family, the younger sister couldn't stop shock to morph into her features. Eva Duarte's parents lived in a two-levels house, sprinkled with all kind of items from their journeys around the world. After their daughter's passing and grandchildren disappearing, the old couple put all of their hard worked for money into travelling, hoping to soften the claws of pain.

Her mother's parents – her grandparents – were not what she expected. Faeries don't age like mortals do, it can pass decades of centuries until they start to look old. In fact, the only old-looking fae Jude has seen in her entire life was Eldred, the deceased High King. She thought mortals elders must be grim and bitter, weak and meek. Maybe she was influenced by fae folk to think like that, but a short life wasting away as the end approaches, being forced into vulnerability, seemed horrible. The old she met with was anything but.

The woman looked like a wrinkled, happier version of her mother, Jude thought. The same warm, brown eyes and heart shaped face. The same pale skin and large hips. Her hair, grayed from the roots and the extra weight that usually comes with age being the only tells of distinction. The man smiled with his eyes, skin folding at their edges as proof of that. He was taller than his wife and the sisters, his tanned skin clinging to his strong bones and white hair beginning to fall and reveal a bald head. They were both kind and full of life.

As soon as the door opened, Jude found herself engulfed in strong hugs, welcomed in the living room and served with loads of cookies and sweets. Her grandfather was chatty and though he knew Vivi better at this point, he did his best to pull Jude in the conversation. Her grandmother fussed around the whole time, bringing more food, pouring them juices or water, asking if they want anything more.

Jude had to admit to herself she liked her grandparents and soon, she begin visiting them even without Vivi. It was one of those days when she build up the courage to ask about her mother. And surprising her own self, Jude actually enjoyed the story. She felt bitter and sad and confused, but at the end of the day it was like sand has been removed from her throat and now she could breath better. Peacefully.

In return, Jude told them about her twin and father and everything that happened in the past years since Eva's death. Well, as much as she could without betraying Elfhame. For some reason she fought hard against the impulse to mention Cardan. Even though she could easily disguise him in a bully, she felt funny tingles through her body talking about him. And she'd much rather not give the traitorous bastard any more of her time and energy.

The visits went on for weeks. Jude quickly discovered, not without a new found ounce of respect towards her grandparents, that grandma, though kind and generous, radiated confidence and could always offer a good advice. Her grandpa possessed a sharp cunningness and a subtle tongue, able to talk his way around a subject for hours and get people to confess their darker secrets with his easy going attitude.

So it happens that one day, as Vivi was counseled by granny in her relationship with Heather, grandpa managed to find out that Jude has been hurt by a boy. Chaos ensured.

The following visits had been peppered with boys around Jude's age, presented as possible suitors. She tried to tell her grandparents that her heartbreak wasn't of that sort, but it was hard to explain the two clueless mortals that the guy whom she married for political gain (and maybe, maybe, something more) named her the first High Queen of Elfhame only to snatch it away from her within hours. And, to top it all, banished her forever.

So Jude followed through with the set ups: all guys of good families, with a sweet financial condition that her grandparents knew of due to their circle of acquaintances. Unexpectedly, one of them grew on Jude, much to grandma and grandpa excitement. Therefore, the old couple planned a date for Jude and her chosen one.

°•▪︎~▪︎•°

Far away from the residence in Portland, Maine, the king of Elfhame was wide awake in his chambers. The palace drowned in an unnerving silence, making it so that Cardan could hear his thoughts clearly and undisturbed. He despised it!

Little did he knew that worse news were on their way. A tall fae, with bark like skin, bones twisted like the veins of a tree, who spent a lot of time in the mortals woods, caught wind that the former Seneschal is going to have a date. Of course, the fae only meant to bring it up as harmless gossip, searching to make the High King laugh. But it did far more than that.

Cardan wasn't an idiot, despite his habit of getting drunk and making a fool out of himself. He harbored a cunning mind, crafted for schemes and plans, court play and diplomacy rather than strategies for battles and war games. Perhaps this could be the right time to try and get Jude back, then. Because this kind of subtle fights he knew he could win.

It wasn't long until Cardan made it to the mortal land, looking for Jude following the directions the tall fae tipped off. He arrived to a sophisticated looking building, painted wholly in a light grey with big windows to let the sun in. The flat roof presented small rows of what resembled a personal garden.

"Have you tried this number yet?" A feminine voice ringed inside.

"No. Not yet, dear. Give me a second, alright?" The gruff baritone of an older man sounded.

"Well, hurry up, please. The kids are supposed to meet tonight for their first date."

"We should have made the reservation sooner."

"Too late now, dear. Now less complaining and more calling, yes?"

"Whatever you say," the mumble was muffled by a soft whisper: a train of numbers Cardan didn't know what to make of.

He felt hope pump his heart faster. All he understood from the bits he heard was that Jude would have her first date tonight. And it was all Cardan needed to know, it meant he still got time to stop it.

He arranged his burgundy shirt's sleeves, neated his black pants and cleared his throat. Checking again if the spells were all in place to mask his real appearance, he knocked on the door with one swift, elegant movement.

"Hello?" The woman who answered resembled Jude to a great extent. Though her skin was wrinkled and she smiled politely at him. And she also looked to frail to kill him.

"Good day, misses. My name is Cardan, an old... acquaintance of Jude. I have some things I'd like to talk to her about and heard she might be here."

"No, sweetie, she's not. But you can wait for her of you want. Jude indeed is supposed to pass by today."

Cardan smiled to himself as soon as the old lady turned around. Growing in a court as one of the princes, he was taught proper manners, which seemed to captivate the elder mortals so much. Added to his natural charm, the fae could easily entertain an audience and have it wrapped around his little finger if he wanted. The king never bothered before, but for Jude, he can – he would – do it.

"Can I get you anything? A glass of water, perhaps a slice of pie?"

"I am inclined to accept whatever you're so kind to offer. I'm sure whatever it is, it must be a delicacy."

The old lady chuckled and disappeared in the kitchen. Left alone, Cardan shifted from foot to foot. Partly because of nerves and partly because his tail was twitching anxiously tucked under his shirt and it made him uncomfortable.

"Here, darling," the woman placed a stuffed trail on the table and urged Cardan to take a seat. Which he dutifully obeyed. "You're a friend of Jude, then? From school?"

Cardan's fingers picked at his nails over the glass of water before nodding shortly. It wasn't a lie, not really. He knew Jude from school and lately, they became friends of some sort. Before he ruined it. "Has she mentioned me?"

"Oh, Jude is a very secretive child, I'm afraid. She told us a great deal, but it feels like there are yet so many puzzle pieces to fill in the many gaps."

"I'm sure she has her reasons." Jude never does anything without thinking it through in advance.

"Of course! Poor soul, my dear granddaughter. A real fighter she is, isn't she?" The woman let out a soft, fond laugh to herself. But Cardan smirked knowingly. You have no idea, he thought with a warm tug at his heart. A frown took its place soon, though. "She never mentioned mortal relatives," he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, missis. Just that Jude never brought up her family."

The old woman's features – Jude's grandmother's features, he had to remind himself – soured. Before she could give her words sound, however, the man whose voice Cardan heard earlier, entered the room.

"I'm sorry, dear. It's busy everywhere. People must make the best out of the weekend, huh?" He leaned to prickle at the pie's crust when his eyes lit up with recognition, as if only now becoming aware of someone else's presence. "And who must you be, hm?"

"My name is Cardan, sir. Pleasure to make your acquaintance." He jumped to his feet and extended a hand to the mortal man – Jude's grandfather.

"He's a friend of Jude, dear," the woman sufficed when her husband gave her a confused look over his shoulder while shacking Cardan's hand.

"Ah, yes. Good. Nice to meet you as well, young man." Silence fell over the three of them as the old man seated himself next to his wife. Several minutes passed until the woman spoke again, clasping her husbands hands in hers.

"Maybe of we offer a better deal? We could spare some cash for an advance... maybe even a donation, or a sponsorship. Anything, to get Jude a perfect first date, don't you think?"

The words sparked Cardan's interest. For they opened him a door to impress the pair obviously in charge with Jude's love life.

He cleared his throat and set down the glass. "I think I may be able to help with your problem." That got the old couple's attention right away. Cardan pondered if he should apologize for eavesdropping, but it'd be too much of a stretch of the fae rules. And besides, they were talking loudly and just so near him, it would've been impossible not to listen in.

"I know Jude from quite some time now and I don't think she'd fancy a sophisticated dinner." Of course she wouldn't. The fierce warrior looses her patience around elegancy and finery – such a waste of time and resources. The brave spy values her secrets too much to sit in place and have a casual conversation – about herself no less. The sly queen, who spent years ignoring her heart and building a plank bridge between it and her mind, could never feel comfortable in a romantic setting – with a stranger too! – deeming it slightly unimportant. Perhaps even using it as a tactic to read the enemy. But Jude wouldn't simply relax and allow herself a nice time without a specific purpose.

Or so Cardan hoped. Because he wouldn't know what he'd do if he were wrong. If in the months of separation, his High Queen became a plain mortal girl who'd be desperate to please him and the folk.

His heart accelerated in urgency, his palms wettened with sweat and his tail swinged painfully against his back. Cardan resisted the urge to pass a hand through his black curls and instead, he shoot to his feet. The new position would allow him to gesture largely and speak down to his audience – which boosted his confidence enough to permit his deepest hidden fantasies to come to life before Jude's grandparents eyes.

"She should be taken to a picnic," he said, thinking about how he'd fill a basket with the most delicious treats stolen from the royal kitchens and take Jude to the forest entry, near the place he threw mud at her meal. He'd apologize and accept whatever punishment she'd set, including eating dirt himself, and he'd built a new memory for her in that spot. A better one. "Somewhere with significance, of great meaning. Somewhere she'd recognize and form a deeper connection with. But not near water," he fought a shudder when the days and nights of Jude's imprisonment under the sea caught up with him. The sight of his powerful, unbreakable Jude, shaking on her feet, drained, hurt and almost past recognition plagued his nightmares. Even more so now, when Cardan couldn't see her every day to make sure she's really fine.

"There shouldn't be a lot of people around, but close enough to the town," so she would feel secure and safe within known territory, but not observed and judged, the High King pointed in his mind. "And he shouldn't press for anything. Let her take the lead, be in control." Cardan understood Jude's need of feeling like no one dictates her. After she had events thrown at her her entire life and no way of fighting them, the High Queen had to choose for herself.

He was about to suggest some things that could break the ice, but the amazed look in both the old lady's and old man's eyes put a stop to his train of thoughts. The woman looked at him with new warmth in her eyes. Het lips were spreaded in a adoring smile, her nose scrunched up and brows lightly furrowed near the nose's bridge. As if she saw a cute kitten mewing softly after a long nap. The man had a knowing gaze lit his eyes, the smile playful, understanding and pleased. He relaxed slightly in his sit and Cardan caught a quick lift of his brows. As if he has been surprised in a good way.

For the first time since the king of Elfhame walked through their door, Jude's grandparents seemed to truly see him. In fact, they examined it, watching the silver and obsidian earrings that garnished his momentarily soft-edged ears, his heavy rings and shiny boots. His perfect posture, though a bit damaged by dramatic flair and perfectly ironed clothes (a careful, hard work worth a great payment, no doubt. Even if Cardan wore the top halfway through unbuttoned). They thought back to his speech, the clear pronunciation of every vowel and consonant, and composed manners (blissfully unaware of how his tongue ties and stumbles over itself when he drinks and how he never bothers to remember any of his finishing schooling most of the times). Yes, he seemed a better suitor for their Jude than the one they picked already.

"Maybe we should give the boy a call and bring the situation to his attention. After all, if everywhere is busy, the date can't happen." The grandfather suggested, his words apologetical, but his tone telling Cardan he wasn't sorry at all. The king had to hid his face in his shoulder to sniffle a triumphant humph.

"Oh, yes, my dear. It would be very rude indeed on our behalf to not inform the poor boy of the misfortune." The grandmother approved. "Cardan, honey, would you like to stay for dinner? I think I heard Vivi's car already. She and Jude will be joining, of course. I don't suppose you mind."

"Not at all, missis. I'd be delighted." This time a smirk brightened Cardan's face as he followed the pair to the dining room, waiting for the Duarte sisters. Maybe Jude won't be happy to see him right away, maybe she won't want to talk to him, or listen to his prayers yet. But at least he won over the matchmakers and bought himself some time. In the end, Cardan Greenbriar will succeed in bringing his wife back home. He could feel it in his guts.

A/N: I am actually quite content with how this turned out after all. I'd like to keep it like this, so there won't be a part two. Thank you for reading ;)

[defdaily]

‪[TRANSLATION] Arena Homme+ Magazine April 2021 Issue featuring JAY B

Translated by defdaily.

JAY B is free and starting again from scratch. That is what JAY B has in mind. GOT7’s leader announced that he would be leaving JYPE as the group stays together. JAY B is preparing to debut as a solo musician while planning to also release mixtapes and hold exhibitions as Def. We had a chat with JAY B, who has gained more freedom and strength, at the swimming pool about courage, depression, literature and aspirations.

Did you come here alone?

Yes. I took a taxi here. I was the type to go around freely even when I was in JYPE but catching the taxi to work this time around felt new.

All GOT7 members decided to leave JYP but stay together as a group. As a leader, you needed to make a decision, right?

Although we ended up leaving JYPE, we wanted to continue as GOT7. We all agreed to leave [JYPE] and try it between ourselves.The product made from me taking responsibility/taking charge was the single 'Encore’ that was released not too long ago. I was involved in the whole process with a new record label. I was happy to see a good response [to the single]. It was lacking in some areas but I was just very proud that we were able to show a different step. Since we showed through this single that “we did not disband”, what’s next is more important. When we left JYPE, Director Jung Wook mentioned "Your role as a leader starts now." I'm realizing it now.

”I wanted to learn everything about the process of releasing an album and how difficult it is. I wanted to start again from scratch.”

Your role as a leader actually starts now.

I used to find the role of a leader burdensome at times but now I feel a greater sense of responsibility. While supporting each person’s journey, I thought I needed to be the one to step up once we got back together. We also talk regularly in our group chat. Not long ago, Jackson went to China. When Mark went to the USA, I could see him off but when Jackson was leaving, we couldn’t be together because of a schedule. So I told him to have a safe flight, apologised for not being able to see him off and thanked him too. He replied saying he’ll take care and be back.

What motivated you to leave the large agency you've been working with for a long time?

The thought came to mind suddenly as we were promoting as GOT7. Am I taking all these benefits I get for granted? When a schedule is released I just do it, and when they ask me to confirm things I do, but what kind of long process has it gone through before it came to me? Who sends a request and how is it processed? Why am I only waiting until it reaches me and simply watching it unfold? I wanted to be directly involved in that process. I wanted to learn everything about the process of releasing an album and how difficult it is. I want to be humble and start from the bottom again.

Didn't you need the courage?

Of course I did. I was also afraid. My position has risen to all the way up here, but when it comes to my actual knowledge, I think I'm only down there. I was afraid that the difference would feel too big once I left the company. But I think I would have been more afraid if I stayed at JYPE. Since that difference would have grown bigger and bigger. My real self is here, so I should face it head-on a little faster. That's what I thought.

As JAY B or as Def. who releases mixtapes and holds exhibitions, you must have had the desire to do something new.

I want to do research and build it up step by step without haste. JAY B will show hip hop and RnB music that appeals to the general public and Def. will do activities that Def. wants to do. It could be mixtapes or exhibitions, or other different kinds of fictions. Def. is the nickname I used as a bboy before I became a trainee. It’s like air floating about freely. It could be house or soul or acoustic or even modern rock. In a way, you can say that Def. is close to my “main self” but since I debuted as JAY B, I’ll also show a devoted side of myself through JAY B. I want to be a person who can do both what he has to do and what he wants to do freely.

Listening to your mixtapes, and hearing that you like the styles of D’Angelo and Ray Charles, you seem to be attached to the Southern US rhythm and blues and soul music.

I do like them a lot. I like the entire hip-hop culture that originated from there. That culture also includes DJing, graffiti and even bboying. Since I started as a bboy, I would look up older videos to watch, study the culture and also look into what each dance move symbolizes, with my bboying crew and that's how I became fascinated. What captivated me the most was their obstinacy. I felt respect towards the conviction and obstinacy they carried with their culture.

Is that mood still incorporated in your music and dance?

Yes. For example, I don’t think choreography is dance. I think dancing is when music plays and you like the rhythm and start humming and bobbing your head and moving your body. I think dancing is a free act you do out of enjoyment.

What was the reason you joined an idol group after starting out as a bboy?

I gained an interest in music too, not just dancing. When I was young, I listened to D’Angelo’s music and wanted to become a singer like him. But I was rebellious when I first joined JYPE. Haha. I was even suspended for a month once as a trainee. I definitely said hello but they said I didn’t so they said "If you're going to be stubborn, then go home" and me with my young heart replied “Then I shall head home.” and left. Then I met up with my bboying crew after a long time, and in just a few months it turned into a different world. The crew members were above me and I was worried because I could feel myself far away by myself. Should I go back to bboying? Should I continue as a trainee? In the end, I wanted to do my very best in whatever I chose so I decided to focus on becoming a singer. Since I wanted to do music, it was a choice I made with no regrets.

You started as a dancer and ended up as a main vocalist. What was music to you back then?

It was a challenge. Trainees are divided into singing and dancing. I joined as a dancer but what I wanted to do was become a singer and not just do dance. But since I was put into the dancing division, I worked even harder with singing to break that prejudice. I often felt defeated. I still feel defeated with singing. Haha. But music is about endless research. Now it’s more about research than studying.

You grew up as an only child to your parents who did farming?

I was an ordinary kid. I enjoyed Haruki’s Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage and thought the “colourless” kid was just like me. I was a calm kid who helped his parents with their farm work. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have any older siblings but they said I used to talk to myself a lot. My mother said there was a way she would know if I was home or not. If I was home, she would hear me talk to myself and be like “Oh really?” “Yes really” haha.

It’s extraordinary to read Haruki at that age.

There was an older friend that I knew and he was really cool. He looked really cool reading on the bus with his legs crossed. He said “Hey, Read a book and build up some knowledge.” As I was trying to be cool like him, I gained a favourite author and started reading more since I enjoyed it.

What kind of books do you like?

When I was a teenager I often read Kafka On The Shore. It felt like Kafka was just like me, and so while reading it, I even cried. The style of Murakami Radio was also interesting. The ending phrase “But I like that more…” was very witty. I’m collecting books from secondhand bookstores from authors who won the Young Author awards. I like Lee Jang-wook's short story Byeon Hee-bong. The main character knows the actor Byun Hee-bong, but the world doesn't know him. He would ask "Don't you know Byun Hee-bong from the movie The Host?" But no one knows. I like stories that don’t intend to be funny but they end up making me giggle.

What do you read these days?

I try to read poetry. I purchased and read the first volume that appeared on Moonji’s Poetry Collection, but it has too many Hanja characters. Haha. I started with Munhwak’s Poetry Collection. I have volumes 1 to 85. I also read poet Park Joon's collection of poems and poet Lee Eun-gyu's Affectionate Name. I even underlined and wrote things down.

Among the idols and musicians I’ve met, I think you are the most extensive reader.

We went on tours often and we would have a lot of time in my hotel room. When I went out I took pictures and when I stayed in my hotel room I read books. When I go on an overseas tour, I pack around 30 books in my suitcase. Then I bring back the books that left an impression on me, and those that didn’t sometimes I dispose of them there. These days, I look for independent publications too. I often look for independent publishing bookstores in Nakseongdae or Haebangchon. There are many books that contain honest stories that are not refined, and the power of those sentences is great.

How does reading influence your work?

The poetic expressions with poetic license help when writing lyrics. You read a new sentence and think “What is this expressing?” You receive inspiration from that image being expressed in a new way. I think of lyrics as poetry too. There are times I write how I feel honestly, but when I want to include a certain meaning I’d want to write the lyrics like poetry.

In your photo exhibition <ALONE> last year, you took pictures of objects and signs in the middle of the road.

Wouldn't it feel very lonely if you think about it from an object’s point of view? The camera captures just an instance but the object will stay there. I think each person has an insatiable loneliness. I like the artist Seonglib’s works, and I feel loneliness in his drawings. I don't know why I keep talking about loneliness, I guess I’m familiar with loneliness.

Seems like you take more pictures of objects and landscapes than people.

I don’t really like taking pictures of people. You can clearly see a person’s emotions in their eyes. I prefer hiding things rather than revealing them too much. I prefer objects, backgrounds, and natural objects rather than subjects that openly express 'It's me!'. Tranquil things, I like when you go past something and go “that’s how it was.” I try my best since my job requires being presented to people but that’s also how I am.

Who do you like as a movie director?

I like Woody Allen’s directing. My favourite is Match Point. It's a love story that goes beyond taboos, and it's electrifying. The face of the actor who secretly asks the reunited lover to give him her number remains in my memory for a long time. How could he direct such a real-looking, raw look in their eyes? When I was a theater and film major, I used to take directing classes rather than acting. If I were to direct a film, I would like to shoot an eccentric witty romantic comedy like Love Fiction directed by Jeon Gye-soo.

Are you self-conscious as an artist?

I’m interested in a variety of genres, and interact with crews often, but I think goofing off just because they are an artist is an arrogant attitude. Everyone is their own artist, no matter what they do, right? I'm not trying to be pretentious, I just think there's a difference in expression, and people who work in the office are also doing their own art. That’s why I’m a little shy about the title “artist.” Is there a need to be puffed up with pride because I’m an artist? I’m just a person.

While filming for “What's in my bag” and revealed your medications for depression and panic disorder. When did you face your depression?

I didn’t know I had depression. I thought I was being weak for a short while and let it pass. But on an occasion I got examined and found out I had depression. They asked how I lived by without going to the psychiatrist. I said I just thought I was the type to feel blue. Haha. I’m the type that doesn’t show [what is wrong] but they said I was in a state where I needed treatment. After going to counselling and taking medications, I’m much better now.

“I just wanted to talk about it. It may not show, but depression is both a common and dangerous illness.”

I think you’re cool for having the courage to talk about this.

I got diagnosed and looked at the people around me. There are friends who are ashamed of it and try to hide it, and there are friends who talk about it as if it’s insignificant. I just wanted to talk about it. It may not show, but it’s both a common and dangerous illness. A mental illness is an illness too. Among my fans, or those who read this interview, if there is someone who feels depressed, don’t be ashamed of it and I hope you receive treatment and overcome it. It’s not an embarrassing thing and it doesn’t need to be hidden. And I was filming content where I show what’s inside my bag; I can’t lie. I wish everyone would be healthy.

Are you bad at lying?

Yes. If I have to tell a lie, I think it’s just better to not say anything. Since I’m the type that’s honest and straightforward, I also don’t like beating around the bush.

Can you share a way one can take a step forward towards recovering from depression?

Look at the world in a broad view. Know that there are many places you haven’t been to yet and there are many things you haven’t felt yet. It's also good to take a walk and go off your usual route and take a path you've never been on. Small adventures can also be of great help. Just by leaving the house you’re already halfway there. I think there are more ways you can refresh yourself outside rather than inside. Also, I thought I was an honest person but after being diagnosed with depression, I thought I should be more honest with myself and more faithful to myself. At times like this, think of yourself before others.

What do you believe in?

I just believe in god. I don’t have a religion. I don’t know what kind of existence god is but I do believe that there is a god. When I’m thankful or am having a hard time, I pray. “Thank you.” “Please let me get through this wisely.”

What is the greatest motivation that moves you?

As long as I’m alive, I want to continue doing work that will leave a message. I believe that there is no next life. I think I should live this time diligently to the fullest. To have no regrets.

Translated by defdaily.

[alexturne]

When you get this, reply with your favourite five fics that you’ve written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love.

I was tagged by @elorianna @glorious-blackout and @tightredpants thanks you guys 😘 loved reading your own takes on this!

I am the absolute worst at chosing and prioritizing my faves but here goes!

1. Under these lights you look beautiful

Miles got completely lost in his voice. There was a faraway quality to it, like he belonged somewhere else entirely, but somehow had decided to grace them with his presence and Miles felt blessed to be near him if even for a short while. The subtle elegance hidden in his slender figure, the mannerisms of his fingers wrapped around the corners of his notebook. His words were spoken softly, quietly, but without any hesitation or faltering.

Alex is an elusive poet, who has a way with words and Miles is a bartender, who is completely mesmerized.

My biggest fic ever and one I spent soooooo long writing. It's the first time I felt a true connection with the people reading the story and I was honestly blown away by the love and support it received, and really made me feel part of something I had only been on the outskirts of before. I really loved writing it and even though it was so hard sometimes, it taught me so much and I challenged myself and grew a lot as a writer during the course of that story. It gave me a lot of courage and confidence in terms of writing in general and I've never felt as much as part of a community as when I was writing that one.

Aside from that I truly fell in love with the characters of Miles and Alex in that one. I loved exploring them and watching them grow, and watching their relationship bloom. I loved writing their different journeys, how they evolved through the story and how they dealt with their own problems and how they took care of each other in them, how the issues they faced made them stronger and brought them closer together and only strengthened their relationship instead of tearing it apart. I saw a lot of myself in both of them and I loved exploring and dealing with a lot of things through writing about it.

I also really really loved writing Stacy as the sort of no-bullshit best friend I'd love to have had growing up myself. I loved how feisty and spunky she turned out to be, whilst at the same time deeply caring and filled with love, and I was actually quite proud of myself for managing to pull her off.

I was also quite proud of all the different scenarios that made it into the story, all the settings and places they went, the events and the world I managed to build around them in general. Usually my stories can get a bit lost in emotions and thoughts of my characters, or move within a fairly limited setting, but I liked how "out in the world" this one turned out to be. And I'm super proud of a lot of the scenes, the pumpkin patch, the halloween party, their little picnic and make out sessions, and the entire setting at the different bar nights. I'm proud and happy that I managed to pull of my vision for this story and to have it unfold exactly how I wanted it to.

2. The element of surprise

"Yeah! I'm not one to judge, just want ya to be prepared, you know, just in case.."

"In case what?"

Jamie rolled his eyes at him.

"In case nothing. Nevermind. Forget it. Just help me find your skiing gear and we'll be off."

"Skiing?"

"Yeah, didn't you hear the lady? We're taking you on a surprise skiing trip to celebrate your birthday, mate!"

The Monkeys invite Alex skiing for his birthday and little does he know that there's a very special surprise waiting for him.

My most current fic and one that I really enjoyed writing. It's a bit silly and very sweet, and it was really what I needed myself at that time. I was so inspired by their insta snaps from the trip - Miles' hurt elbow, the gang hanging out in a hottub outside, so many of Alex's birthday skiing trips and I just had a lot of fun with it.

I loved the world building and thinking up the resort and the cabins and structurally it was interesting to work within a week's worth of story time, a set frame in which the story had to unfold, a new challenge I hadn't tried before. I also really loved having the whole gang there and try to work out how to have everyone be part of the story without really getting too much into it. And them being such little shits throughout was really a lot of fun!

I looooved writing Miles and Alex's little moments in the cabin. And I had a blast writing Alex's birthday and his presents, especially Miles' one and everything that came with it. I love friends to lovers, such a hoe for that trope, and this was such a prime example to me and it was so much fun. I love their relationship both as friends and what it grew into. It was important to highlight their strong friendship, how important they were to each other even before anything became more than platonic. And I enjoyed having Alex freak out all the time about his own emotions and I like how the confession turned out. I loved having them both be absolutely head over heels pining for each other and having the sexual frustration that comes with that in there as well.

Writing it felt very natural, like the words just came out one after the other and it felt kind of straight forward in a really nice way. It's a story that's sweet and fluffy and fun, and one I sometimes peruse through if I need a little pick me up.

3. I've been saving all my summers for you

They were 11 when they first met at the beach, now at 21 they’re back. Back at this place that became theirs. The place they became best friends.

The place where Alex fell in love for the very first time.

This one is sort of my baby in a way. It's very dear to my heart and I love it so much and it gives me so much warmth to read it and I'm so happy it managed to bring the same to others. It's one of my earlier stories and the second story I ever began work on, and it was inspired by a lyric, as so many of my stories are.

I liked trying to work around a different structure and it was so much fun trying to write through the perspectives of a few kids growing up, the way their thoughts and feelings evolved and how they got more and more introspective and reflective about their own lives and experiences. I fell so much in love with the characters in this story and I think back to the time I wrote it with such fondness. It capsulated that perfect feeling of summer and sun and holiday by the ocean, childlike play and endless laughter and slow love growing and slowly taking over everything. I just really enjoyed writing it and I sometimes reread it if I need a bit of softness.

Reading it I can still see points where I was very much still learning and growing as a writer and it's nice to be able to look back and see how far I've come.

But I'm pleased with how I managed to evolve the story, to create a bit of conflict and angst, to have arguments and them being hurt and sad and finding reasonable solutions and believable conversations to hash it all out.

4. You're so pretty and I'm so shy

“Fine, if you’re so shy then why don’t you write him a note? Like in the films, write your number on a slip of paper, give it to him or slip it into his pocket or summat.”

“That might work!”

“I was kidding Alex!”

I loved writing this one and I had so much fun writing it! I remember the dialogue just came so naturally and I'd found a really nice flow. I feel like I managed to get their voices down for the characters in a really nice way and I found the premise endlessly hilarious. I made myself laugh a lot and judging by the response other people found it funny as well. It was just a super fun process for myself and I loved trying to incorporate the texts and selfies into the story, and elements from the lyrics as well.

I loved writing Matt in this one, he was so much fun and such a shitty little enabler but also a super supportive and take-no-shit sort of friend. I love incorporating that kind of character and he is really a prime example of that. I loved their pingpong, the back and forth between Matt and Alex, their easy friendship and I loved their chemistry.

I also really got to practice my smut skills, which is a nice little bonus!

5. You just ain't the one for me

Suddenly she had an idea.

"I wanna fuck him. Miles. I wanna fuck him."

Alex made a weird choking sound.

"Pardon?"

"I wanna fuck Miles. And then I wanna watch him fuck you."

Taylor has an idea of how to spend their sunny afternoon and she's not about to take no for an answer. Sexiness ensues and she makes a few decisions about their relationship.

This one was really fun to write (even though I was super sick and had a quite high fever when I wrote it) and I thought it up, wrote it and published it all in one day, which was a little bit crazy but kinda fun as well. The premise just came to me and I couldn't let it go and I had to get it out. It's also the first time I've ever written a story as a gift for someone else, for dear @trickztr and it was a lot of fun to have that in mind as I wrote it. Couldn't have written it without her! ❤️

The story is in many ways different to my other fics, and it was such an interesting and fun challenge to try and write from Taylor's pov and to have it be something a little bit removed from the fluffy sweetness I usually gravitate towards. I'm quite proud of myself for pulling it off and I like how it turned out! It's also the first time I've written anything with different partners involved and also the first story that's been quite so pwp without much else going on. It's a brief moment in time and I liked the challenge of not going any further with it, even though some people were asking me to explore Alex and Miles' sides more, I liked where it ended, it just made a lot of sense to me. I liked trying to write a love confession that just slipped through whilst desperately pounding each other against a wall.

I really got to let loose a bit in terms of the smuttier scenes and it was fun to explore it in a different way. Aside from that, I really like the humour in it, the image of Miles' orange bucket hat floating in a pool, and I like how simple and straightforward some parts of it are. It allowed me to try a few different things and to challenge myself in new ways and I really enjoyed that.

This was super fun and I've enjoyed revisiting some of my stories and see how far I've come since I began writing for this pairing! ❤️

Tagging @trickztr @kisameanslight @alex-band-gay-and-the-hurrikane @girlinthepictureframe @markslittleproblems and anyone else who wants to, even if you've only written a few fics. I'm curious! Say something nice about your own writing ❤️

[oneoftheprettynerds]

Belle Of The Ball: Dark! King! Steve Rogers x Reader

A/N: So this my first ever proper dark fic and I’m so nervous. I finished it but my mind thinks it’s garbage. so I’m gonna post this now when I’m feeling a random spurt of courage and am confident in my work. So here’s my masterpiece, cookies.

This is for Dark!MCU  Festive Fic swap hosted by @darkficsyouneveraskedfor  and @darkmcuficswap

My giftee is @hermesmaximoff Hope you enjoy it love!

Thanking @firefly-graphics for the dividers: both personalised and general.

There is also an amateur somewhat okay shitty poster I decided to make which is included at the end.  

WARNING: THIS IS A DARK FIC CONTAINING DUBIOUS CONSENT BORDERING NON-CON AND EXPLICIT SMUT. YOUR MEDIA CONSUMPTION IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. LOSS OF VIRGINITY, ABUSE OF AUTHORITY, BREEDING KINK ALSO PRESENT.

Summary: Invited to the Royal ball by the benevolent monarch, you could barely control your excitement to visit the Capital. While you were busy admiring his prosperous reign, King Steve was quite occupied getting enamoured by you. As you try to fulfil the King’s demands, secrets find their way out.

CHARACTERS + GENRE: DARK!STEVE ROGERS X READER, SUPERNATURAL STEVE ROGERS X READER (read to find out what), ROYAL AU, HALLOWEEN THEME (I tried for the request, hope you do like it)

King Steve Rogers invites the princes and the princesses of all Kingdoms, near and afar,

To celebrate his several years of reign.

He requests thy kind and noble presence

At the joyous regale

of his auspicious ball

On the thirty first of October,

after sundown, in His Majesty’s finest castle.

Challenging thy with the unique theme of

A Halloween Masquerade Ball,

The King expects exceptional indulgence from all.

 The Most Grandiose Halloween Celebration is being organised with the spookiest of events within.

Come here if you dare.

“We have been invited to a royal party! My day couldn’t have been better!” Your elder sister exclaimed, jumping quite unladylike in your chambers, as you went through the details of the venue. You chuckled at her antics, knowing rather well that she would be scolded if someone else was present. 

“Emma, Mother has to approve first. As Lady Ava always says, don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

“As if mother would really decline an invite from the King, dear sister.” She rolled her eyes at you, not letting her enthusiasm die as you pondered over her words.

Your sister had a point though, the King summoning your presence was not to be taken lightly. The invitation came up handwritten in a scroll with the King’s wax seal atop it. It was placed elegantly beside a golden mask in a rectangular black box, that bore the Majesty’s sigil on the front.  

The theme of the ball wasn’t that peculiar if you reflected over it, the renowned monarch was also recognised for his distinct interest in eerie, unearthly beings. He was known for adventuring into haunted lands, mysterious manors and sinister soils, meeting up with people rumoured to be sorcerers and occultists.

Of course, the reason for his encounters was sometimes rumoured to be because of his familial distress, how he couldn’t find a mate to procreate with and conceive his own heir no matter what. Three females, who were pregnant with a progeny of his blood, none his wife though, had died during the first two or tercet months, reason unspecified why.  

Coming to You, you and your sister weren’t actual princesses, rather the daughters of one of the esteemed Ministers in the King’s cabinet. The benevolent King, however referred to the daughters of the town, more exactly, the Kingdom, as noblewomen. He held high reverence for the females and was the sole creditor to the improved condition of the women in this era. No matter how troubled his own life was, the King was the most merciful royal to be crowned to date, his people prospering under him.

Your sister nodded eagerly to your mother, drinking in her words like the fine tea you all had in the afternoons, while you just smiled at her advice.

 When you both met your mother for dinner, you were surprised to find her already informed about the invitation. Her conformity to the celebration astonished you even more, but Emma’s zeal was starting to rub off on you too by the end of the meal. 

Your mother continued, “Your father mentioned The Majesty is looking for a wife, quite possibly. He has been insistent in trying to get a successor the correct way this time, by courting the lady who piques his interest. Even though this might be a rumour, or some gossip spun by the ladies of the Cabinet, you both should try your best to be graceful and presentable. Among the hundreds of guests, he’d be having over, on the off-chance, if Gods allow, that either of you manages to entice him, it will only promise you the most pleasant of all forthcomings. It would also do me and your father some good, if you managed to find some other suitable bachelor, from a nice background to engage with.”

Your sister had always been one with the more overactive imagination out of you two, while you had been the more serene and poised one. When she’d be out playing with the children in your town, you’d be talking to the younger toddlers, drawing with chalks on the side. For every kid she splashed with water in the nearby sapphire river, you made tots flower crowns. These were the values you both grew up with, and these will be the values you’d die with.

After days of shopping velvet fabrics and silk textiles, and bothering your seamster to make sophisticated and stylish dresses, you both neared your day of departure. After some instructions to you both to represent your father and town well, your mother bid you adieu. It was nerve wracking to not have your mother by your side, for an event as big as this was, but since you both had passed more than twenty name days, you were expected to be proper, independent ladies. 

With a heavy heart and some self, positive affirmations, you and your sister embarked on the voyage, which was filled with her chitchat.

You only hoped that the gala was as exciting as your family made it out to be. That it was just a King trying to celebrate his sovereign with some western festival integrated together. That the event would not be as unnerving and creepy as the last line of his invitation made it out to be. 

For some unknown cause, it did not sit well with you. Your apprehensive intuition made you wary of the invitation for some reason, but you let your sibling’s zest take you over. What benefit would fretting get you?

The ball was far more pompous than anything you’d have imagined in your little head. All the ideas that Emma had come up with during your journey, to anticipate the extent of extravagance for the ball, were all exceeded with tenfold finesse. You had travelled to faraway, distant lands with your parents, but the King’s mansion, with all the festivity happening, was truly a sight to behold.

Entering The Capital had been the highlight of your excursion, you were sure earlier, but well you were proved wrong. Your father greeted you both when you had arrived, eager to see his angels after almost six moons, and had ensured you both got the best of the accommodations in the well-built, enormous fort. He introduced you to several of his comrades as well as their brooding, young lads and then, left you both to rest for the main event next eve. With two maids at your every beck and call, courtesy of your father, your time went smoothly and now you found yourself at the said Halloween themed celebration, staring around in awe of every little detail that had been so meticulously handled to make the event as dazzling as it was.

The servants were dressed rather ridiculously as cats, wearing some bizarre structure resembling cat ears, horribly short black dresses barely past their thighs and some whiskers draw using either coal or makeup, you weren’t sure. It was a poor attempt to make them appear feline. However, the food was as immaculate as everything else, entirely themed like only blood red wine, candied apples, chicken pumpkins, cheesecake brain, mummy muffins, some appetizer with bell peppers as jack-o-lanterns; these were the few that met your sights.

The hall was so grand, almost the size of three jousting arenas and playing fields combined with pillars having detailed architecture supporting the place. The walls were covered in scarlet, golden and black velvet drapes, the royal colours, and beautiful masquerade masks were pinned atop them, along the walls. Almost hundred round, white clothed tables filled the ballroom, with gold plated candlesticks and utensils upon them. The entire place had entertainers progressing around, the essence of it being magicians, clowns, contortionists, palm and tarot card readers. 

In the centre of the hall, was an empty space, reserved for the soon to be ensuing dancing. An orchestra on the side had beautiful instruments, playing soft melodies for now, reserving the upscale beats for later.

You had only read a few books on Halloween to be prepared but nothing could have geared you up for this. Your small-town self was gaping at everything with a childlike wonder while somehow your sister was quite composed and calm, somehow your roles had been reversed. 

Emma was wearing a blue gown, having several layers of nets and cloth, each a different shade of azure. She tried to dress as the mythical creature called mermaid, with crystal heels and a beaded neckline. Her masquerade mask had scales like fish, made using shining sequins. She looked so gorgeous, truly managing to look captivating.

You on the other hand were dressed like an angel, which you were against, finding it too mainstream and typical and wanted to dress like an enchantress with violet and jade colours, which your mother immediately negated. On demand of your sister, she let you wear a fluffy white ball gown, and had you made wings with dove feathers, an apparatus which was astonishingly light to wear. Using her art and craft skills, Emma made you a headband with two wires attached to a metal ring, shaped like an angel’s halo. The loop at top made of some special metal that glowed golden in the dark, making it look like a real, floating halo. Your mask had a fur lining on it, and silver sparkles were sprinkled all over you, with pretty makeup on your face, courtesy of your sibling.

The change in music brought you out of your reverie, as trumpets and harps began to hum, signifying the arrival of the King on the grand staircase. He had a crimson red velvet cape descending his broad shoulders, his tuxedo underneath could hide neither his long legs nor his bulging, protruding biceps. His black, shining shoes cost more than your entire apparel, you were certain. 

As your gaze ascended his masculine form, you were mesmerised furthermore with his high cheekbones, full lips tainted cherry pink, a Grecian slanting nose, sleek eyebrows, luscious blonde hair, a thick beard and the best of all yet, cerulean blue eyes, the prettiest you’d ever seen in the entirety of your small life. The ladies beside you, Emma included, had the same reaction whether they had witnessed his Highness before or not. Every female’s gaze seemed to flicker between his azure eyes and the Golden crown resting atop his blonde locks, flooded with rubies and emeralds and gemstones you weren’t sure your books had.

For a moment you felt his eyes land on you, which surprised you even more so, that you questioned yourself about it, but his cheeky grin and wink confirmed it, make you shiver involuntarily as heat spread through your face while a titillating stir ran through you, a first for you. His impeccably white teeth were clearly visible now, showing two elongated canines, which finally gave you a sense of his attire, paired with his blush lips, A Vampire.

He spoke a few words, eyes unsteadily wavering, observing different members of the gathering. He let the dances commence, partnering with his most suitable match at the festivity, the daughter of the wealthiest lord. After the first song was over, other couples joined alongside him while you stood at the side, observing everything. Only mere moments ago had your sister been courted by a young man, the two of them shooting each other coy glances since they had entered. 

A tap on your shoulder had you puzzled, you turned around focus landing on warm, brown eyes. You recalled him to be Lord Stark’s son, Peter, having met him yesterday at dawn. His familiar brown eyes gave you sense of comfort, which you liked, not being alongside Emma now.

“Shall we?” He asked, his cheeks ruby like yours were, as he extended the palm of his hand towards you. You giggled, smiling like a little babe who got extra cookies for dessert, and accepted his hand. Sauntering to the dancing arena, you only prayed to The Heavens above that Lady Ava taught you enough to embarrass neither yourself nor your guild.

Tracing his steps and following his lead, you did manage to dance without falling, which was a surprise seeing how spread out your wings were. You and him made easy conversation, about your hometowns and interests.  You saw your Father proudly looking at you and Emma, dancing with lads, you guessed, he approved of.

As the song ended and the orchestra played a transitioning tune between the melodies, a cough sounded beside you as you and Peter stopped. Your eyes widened as you nervously curtsied beside Peter, A ‘Your Majesty” falling from both your lips.

“If it’s not too much trouble, may I share a dance with the most stunning dame here?” 

Peter politely stepped back, letting go of your waist, as The King’s wide stature more than filled his place. Your heart was beating rather loudly, blood pumping to your ears as you tried to make sense of what was happening. In your peripheral vision you could see the prying eyes of others looking at you both, ready to criticize you for one wrong move. Your father watched intently, a slight warning in his eyes to not mess this opportunity up while your sister comfortingly smiled at you. You tried to even your breaths and make sense of what he was saying, to not just stand and gape like a fool in court.

As the harmony played out, he swayed you around, lifting you up and twirling you around. Compliments spewed out from his lips, making you crimson like freshly ripened apples. You couldn’t keep up with your expression of gratitude through your words as he admired your eyes, your elegance and your ensemble which just couldn’t make him shift his eyes from you. 

After two songs had played out, he left as suddenly as he had come, with a promise to meet you later. You watched him dance with other maidens, who approached him when you were dancing together, entertaining every approaching lady like an excellent host.

You made your way to the side, hoping to get some liquor, or at least some fluid in your veins and not faint right there this moment. Emma came up beside you while you were having wine, and rubbed your back in a parental way. Her eyes communicated her understanding of how overwhelmed you felt at the instant. Her date and Peter soon came and kept you both company for the rest of the night. As duos danced and people got intoxicated, you had to call it a night on behalf of your sister, her incessant giggling make you worried for her inebriated self. 

You slipped her out before your father caught her and gave her a stern talking to and tucked her in her bed keeping a glass of water and some fresh fruits for her on the bedside wooden bench. You concluded retiring for the night yourself but only after assuring your father of your whereabouts and well beings. Before returning to the hall, you took off your wings and the halo, also opting to leave the mask behind as the fur tickled your skin. Your makeup hadn’t ruined in the heat of the hall, it was a miracle. You made your way to the Hall, hoping to find your father, assumingly drunk with all his entourage.

Two hallways before the decorated ballroom were you pinned to the wall, one hand of your attacker covering your parted lips while the other held your face delicately, with a lover’s touch. A split second was all it took for you to be immobilised by this man and another by your wavering form to recognise the cobalt blue eyes and blonde curls. When The King was certain you wouldn’t scream, his hand left your mouth slid upwards, mirroring his other hand, with thumbs in front of your ears and palms resting on your cheeks.

“Your Majesty?” You mumbled back, your voice somehow even lower, afraid for yourself and even more so terrified to offend him.

“Say, would you come for a while to my chambers, the view of the creek from my balcony is splendid.”

His choice of words gave you an option, but his eyes, almost hypnotically told you there was only one correct answer.

“You are the one, I can feel it.” He whispered lowly but your heightened senses gladly picked it up.

You meekly nodded, your inner self surprised at your body moving of its accord alongside him, as your mind started voiding of thoughts like reporting to your father, checking up on Emma. You felt like you were trapped in someone else’s form and fought with an invisible force to take over the reins of your own body.

You did not fail to notice the lack of guards outside the King’s chamber and how every entrance managed to open itself. The King wasn’t lying about the picturesque scene though, as you stood in the balcony, hair getting ruffled by the strong breeze that seemingly came from nowhere.

Your body stiffened as King Steve came uncharacteristically close to you and slid his hands around your middle, his nose nestled in your locks, inhaling deeply.

His lips descended your neck, laying feathery kisses on his path as you stood there, unable to even move your hands or turn around. This out of body sensation was broken when you felt intense pain on piercing of your skin where your head met your torso. You suddenly gained all wits and enough strength to flail your limbs around but all your might wasn’t enough to even stir the man from his task. Your throat couldn’t gather enough energy to scream, though you doubted anyone would come. You started getting light headed and only then did he stop, carrying you in his arms to his widespread four poster bed, mattress as soft as sponge and sheets as silky as butter. Too weak to fight him off, you harvested all your energy in staying conscious as your gaze danced around, trying to make sense of every object present but not awake enough to notice too many details. The wine you drank did not make it any better.

As you laid on the stranger’s bed, you felt his body sit beside you, holding your neck; leaning down, his lips meeting yours for the first time. You did not reciprocate, neither did you have the strength nor the will, while his tongue slipped inside your mouth, roaming around like a traveller in foreign land.

As the kiss drew on, you felt some energy sidle inside you, enough for your mind to function again but not ample enough to fight off the brawny thief who robbed you of your first kiss. King Steve broke off the kiss and connected your foreheads together, his indigo eyes turning black in want, leaving you a frightening and gasping mess.

He backed away, sitting more straighter now as his hand drew back from around your neck and slid along your stomach, nearing the most intimate part of your body, even though there were still layers of cloth present. His hands did not stop there, however, and made their way downwards only stopping at the hem of your gown and slipping inside.

You shrieked out suddenly, becoming aware of his intentions quite late and grasped his wrist that rested now on your knee. 

“Your Majesty, I……I can’t-”

“Do you wish to refuse your King?”

You looked down, caught in the dilemma of wanting your safety and offending him once again. Your virtue had to be preserved till marriage, your mother had taught you, but on the other hand, the King’s words were the law.

“Answer Me.” The King’s cold voice broke through your thoughts, not a shout but still scarier than a yell.“

Your Majesty, I’ve never engaged in s-” You started tearing up, lower lip wobbling and body shaking at the thought of the future. You did not see this ending beneficial in any scenario. If you lost your virtue, you would never get wed but if you refused the King and he felt insulted, your family and your connections would be in the ruins, he held that much power over you.

Cradling your face with his other hand, he began again, “You think I’m not already aware, pretty one?” The man who was reprimanding you only few moments ago upon not answering him, had a smile on his face this time: not assuring or comforting, but malicious and sinister to its very core. “I could smell your untainted scent from my room, before even descending the stairs.”

“Your e-eyes..” You gaped again as colours morphed in his eyes, red now swirling around in the pools of darkness, his words lost on you as you felt your fear rising due to the inhumane action.

“For an intellectual, bibliophilic girl, you sure are oblivious, sweetheart.” He scoffed, looking unimpressed at you, “Come on, prove to me you aren’t heedless like the rest, draw the conclusion." His eyes held yours, again altering into hues of different colours, seemingly mocking you now. 

You don’t know how the thought jumped into your head, maybe because the two holes on your neck stung suddenly or because the automatically opening doors entered your mind, the contemplation that his fangs appeared so realistic and authentic the more you stared at them paired with the blood on his collar, not just the fresh red stain of your plasma but also the burgundy stain present there, giving his lips the cherry red shade you admired hours ago on his arrival at the event.

“This is not a co-costume, no-” You inhaled a quick breath, “you are a vampire.” Your face paled in realisation while he smirked proudly, tapping your knee in a weird, twisted form of appreciation.

“Tremendous, my dear. But only half, you see. My mother was one, yes, but my father, he gave me an even better ability, he was an Incubus.” You shuddered as the words sunk in, your only worry being staying alive now, when your life was in the hands of this sex demon, having the greatest of powers and strength. Your mind did not spend any time mulling over the existence of supernatural beings, only dwelling on possible escapes now.

“That is why even your untouched body couldn’t help but react to my form and it is also the very reason, that I can read what goes on in your mind, all your memories, your hobbies, every book you’ve read, your precious sister, Emma isn’t it? So please, do not even think about fleeing if you don’t want your family to suffer.”

The threat loomed in the air, nasty sobs wracking your body as his thumb came to wipe the tears off. His hands started undoing the lace on the front of your bodice as you sniffled. Managing to quieten down just a bit, you begged, “Please don’t do this, I’ll have nowhere to go if my family found about me partaking in this unholy deed before marriage.” You had little hope about him seeing reason but there was optimism nonetheless. 

“Darling, do not fuss that I’ll leave you unhinged and deserted after finding pleasure in your body, you are to be mine now. Essentially, you already are.” His lips claimed yours again as the front of your dress slackened, bundling around your waist.

You pulled back, surprised at his promise, “You mean that?” He nodded, coming to kiss you again. You turned so that his lips met your neck, tongue licking the salt residue of tears there. “In what sense?”

“In every sense you could think of and more. I’ll give you everything, make you my queen, would you like that?” He mumbled in your neck, tongue now soothing the two punctured cavities residing there.

You could feel yourself crossing your legs involuntarily, trying to caress the abrupt yearning in your intimate part, your underclothes dousing with wetness somehow. Steve smirked in your neck, sitting upright and playing his trump card.

“I’ll marry you and we’ll rule together with the plenty of successors you’ll give me. Won’t that make your parents proud? Isn’t that what your parents taught you? Catch the King’s eye?” You meekly nodded, his charisma of an Incubus winning you over. “I’ll make your father The King’s Hand and send your mother the finest of jewels and gems, satins and silks.” He looked over at your submissive form, looking at him with the innocence of a toddler, swayed by his promises.

“I’ll let your sister have a grand wedding with the man she dears. All you have to do is surrender yourself to me and be my Queen, rule alongside me. So I ask, will you?” You cut him off, your lips pressing against his as you tried to mimic his earlier movements. He held your waist, surprised but pleasantly so, crushing the layers of the rolled top half of your dress underneath his hands. You had very little idea about what bedding someone meant but you had this primal urge to not have any skin of yours covered or untouched by him.

Steve shed his cape and threw every cloth on his torso away, almost as eager as you to get skin to skin contact. Your hands tangled in his hair as he lifted you up and sat you in his broad lap, not before sliding your dress all the way down. As he broke the kiss and took in your body, parts of you hidden under the smallclothes, he let out a growl that frightened yet excited you with another shiver down your spine. 

He made quick work of his bottoms, his cock standing and reaching his muscled chest almost and you gaped. Your sister, Emma had informed you of men’s parts being far much smaller than what you had just witnessed. His member stood erect and proud, glistening as he pumped it with his fist. His eyes drank in your surprise and trepidation, getting amused and turned on even more. 

You still laid stretched across the bed, legs straight ahead of you while your torso rested on your elbows, eyes wary of his every next movement.  He eyed your scantily clad body, gaze filled with lust and nothing more and climbed between your legs, one hand coming down on your waist while the other grabbed the back of your head and pulled you into a possessive kiss, robbing you of your breath. Your mind was slowly registering the reality of it all, this was going to happen no matter what. You were going to sin by engaging in fornication. But is it really wrong if your benevolent king demands that of you?

His hand sliding from your face to your bosom distracted you from your chain of thoughts. He slid the cups of your garment revealing your nipples and took one in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it while his other pinched the abandoned one. You didn’t know if you should be more surprised at his actions or the rush of the feelings that ran through you.

He slowly released your nipple and trailed soft kisses down your stomach to your most intimate part yet, kissing it through the cloth there. His delicate touch was abruptly contrasted with him grabbing the fabric, tearing it into two and revealing you bare. 

You closed your legs out of instinct but his heavily muscled hand took them apart in a single push. He eyed you with a warning, to not obstruct him anyhow anymore.

“Let me taste that sweet nectar of yours, sweetheart. I really want to find out if it is as addictive as my senses picked it up, as sweet as the aura that surrounds you.”

And with that he dove into your pussy, his tongue roaming your wet cavern. Neither did you understand what he spoke of nor had you sister told you about the activity happening right now. But all you could do was focus on the astonishingly pleasant shivers running through you as you had an out of the body, more accurately an out of the world experience. You had no sense of the time that passed and how long you laid there clutching the silk sheets letting out mewls. But out of nowhere, something in you snapped and all your energy left you. 

As your blurry vision cleared and your eyes found his face, he licked his still glistening lips, his beard moist and wet but erotically so. He dove right into kiss again and you tasted your own sweet nectar for the first time ever. His hand roamed your body, grabbing your curves and caressing your soft flesh. 

One of his hands made its way down furthermore and spread your fluids along your folds, and then lined up himself along your hole. With a sudden push, you felt yourself being full like never before, and a sudden pain hit you as your face visibly flinched. Steve swallowed your grunts of pain with his kisses and started rubbing your bud above your linked bodies. 

The shudder that ran through you once again made you incapable of thinking, the ache slowly subsiding behind the pleasure you felt. When your moans filled the air, Steve kissed your collarbones and sucked leaving bruises there, and started thrusting again. As his movements became faster and consistent, and his callused hands rubbed you and pinched your intimate flesh, you ascended to another world. Each action of his introduced you to a new star in the wide galaxy. The same unknown descended upon you again as something snapped in your abdomen and you experienced pure bliss. 

“Going to make you the mother of my children, you will carry my seed and bring the Kingdom several heirs. This time I’ll succeed, you will be mine, my Queen in every sense.” His words made you clench around him and that was all it took for him to achieve ecstasy as well.

Your head lolled and your eyes met his sweating frame lying across the silk sheets as a sinister grin adorned his face again, “I need to fuck a successor into you tonight, you ready?”  

[anne-sha]

basic steps for self-growth

(for beginners) 🌺

before i dive into this, i want you to ask yourself what you actually mean by "self-growth" because understanding the definition and meaning is the first step to knowing the concept.

for me, self-growth is internal healing of your mental health which leads to the growth of your physical being as well and this together attract good vibes, thus, enhancing your overall well-being. now to be honest, i was never much of a self growth person until this year when i realized that i needed to move on from the past and focus the energy on myself instead.

self-growth comes with self-realization. when you realize that you've been in a rut for a long time and the choice and strength of getting up from this rut lie in your hands, that's when you start your self-growth journey. it's not a choice anymore when you decide to change your entire lifestyle for the best. it's a lifetime commitment to improving yourself.

if you're new to this "self growth" concept (like how i was in the beginning) but you want to apply it into your life, then you've reached the right post :)

here are a few steps to the basics of self-growth ☕

1) find what triggers you 🌼 identify what really brings your old self back. for me, thinking about the past made me feel like giving up on improving myself. after you find that out, try to eliminate that from your daily life. if a certain thing brings back sad memories which might successfully lead you back to the old you, get rid of that stuff. you really can't allow self-growth to occur if you don't move on from what triggers you.

2) accept your inner weaknesses but don't let them overpower you 💪🏻😤 the thing is you'll always have flaws and that's totally okay but letting them control your life is not the ideal thing. "i know i have tons of weaknesses but i know that im strong enough to let my courage win over them" should be the mentality. with time, this little action would form a habit and you wouldn't have to worry about the weaknesses anymore.

3) make inner changes 🌿 when you have got some real soul-searching activities done, make some small changes. plan your week the night before and wake up an hour early and make your bed, workout and meditate/journal, do whatever you like. start your day with yourself. i never check my phone the moment i wake up. i only do that after a couple of hours when I'm done with my workout, meditation and shower. this is how you prioritize yourself first.

4) treat yourself like a plant 🌱 you don't sow a seed and dig up every few hours to see if the seed has grown or not, do you? you understand that it takes time and you're willing to wait. similarly, self growth is all about time and being patient. you won't see results in a week or a month but you'll eventually see major changes and once you get to identify them, you'll be surprised at how much you've grown.

5) your little habits should influence your major actions 🍀 the thing is, you wake up early, make your bed, journal, meditate, workout, clean your home etc but if the small habits that you're doing daily don't influence your major growing process, then they're just habits. these habits are supposed to help you get up to the bigger picture.

for example, you go for an ironed tshirt and a nice pair of jeans for a job interview. what you wear is your little habit that would influence your major action, that is, your job interview. if you have a bad interview and fail to impress anyone, then your outfit is just pointless, isn't it?

6) more results, more growth 🌺 the best part of the entire self growth journey is that after you see the results, you become addicted to seeing more growth. and that leads to good habits and lifestyle. you'll realize you don't go back to the old patterns of your unhealthy coping mechanism. instead, you're moving forward to making yourself a better person everyday!

if you're beginner and you're thinking of applying the above mentioned simple healthy habits to kick-start your process, then you might want to continue your ultimate self-growth goals so make sure you follow me, guys and I'll promise to keep you all updated on your individual journeys 🍀

take care for now. let me know below if you tried any of my tips and how far you've come! let others support you!! 📣